#tl;dr im so insane with feelings for my people if i let it out it will consume me whole

[starsonmarsy]

im normal

[emoflutterguy]

jesus fucking christ growing up and finding out the people who were shitty to u are massive hypocrites is . insane

TRIGGER WARNING FOR LIKE ABUSIVE FRIENDSHIP??? this is a little bit of a ventpost about how my shitty best friend in freshman year forced his transmedicalist idea of masculinity onto me only to grow up a little bit and start dating a cis guy and fall into the trap that most of us trans guys also fall into with cis guys of “oh hes cis so i obviously need to be Girly now”

thats ur tl;dr, read on if ure interested in the juicy details below the cut

so when i was in freshman year i met a kid who was supposedly a year older than me (he wasnt) but he was also a freshman because he got held back a year (he didn’t) (he was a filthy liar)

anyways he just so happens to be a trans guy and thats not where my problem lies with this guy . i wish it was that simple .

now im also a trans guy, and i had just come out at that point when we had met, like im talking i had just freshly come out as a trans man a month before we had met. i had no idea what i was doing or how to act or dress or how to be masculine, and he was like oh let me coach u on how to be a trans man The Right Way

and his “coaching” was terrible advice that literally any trans man whos been trans for more than 5 seconds would tell u is terrible advice;

he told me to eat, sleep and shit in my binder, he told me to abandon all girly clothing and only wear HIS clothes because HIS clothes were cool and masculine and would make me pass better (they didn’t), he told me not to wear makeup unless he was the one who did it, he shamed me for not passing well enough (i was 15 and had a baby face, as well as having big ass man biddies and also being chubby) and he gave me the worlds worst first masculine haircut and dyed it an eye bleeding orange in his kitchen. he forced me to listen to his music only because my music taste was supposedly terrible and he was the one who could drive so he got to choose the playlist (spoiler alert he wasnt legally supposed to be driving without an adult over the age of 25 but that was unbeknownst to me)

basically he told me that fundamentally, i was wrong because i wasn’t him

and any ounce of femininity i dared to show and be comfortable with was also fundamentally wrong

one time while we were all hanging out at my house (him, me, my mom and her boyfriend at the time) and i was talking about how bad i wanted to get on testosterone because i just wanted to feel like a normal teenage boy.

.and get this.

he told me i was “too girly” and “not manly enough” and i “didn’t pass well enough” to go on testosterone

and he told me he thought i was faking being trans for attention and he didnt think i was actually trans because i “wasnt trying hard enough” like he was

i promise this is relevant later im not just saying this to vent

he was also a horrendously shitty person to me and everyone else at the time, and im not saying this because im still salty, no bitch i was 15 he was 15 we were both kids kids are gonna be weird and mean sometimes, but “kids being kids” is not supposed to leave u with trauma that u may never heal from . and he did that to me . but thats irrelevant

anyways, now onto the part thats kind of funny in a fucked up way

so me and his ex boyfriend are best friends now because we both survived the fucked up shit he put us both through, at the same time might i add, and we often talk about how our respective relationships with him still affect us to this day

and today we were talking about going to a concert for a band we both really like that was introduced to us by our mutual enemy, the guy this post is about

and naturally the conversation turned to what hes up to now because my bestie likes to sometimes look at his social media out of curiosity and he told me

that evil bad guy mc bad

is now in a relationship with a cis biker guy

and dresses in crop tops and mini skirts and thigh highs and wears wigs and makeup now

and good for him if he genuinely just enjoys dressing like that now, if thats all it is then im glad hes finally had some character development

but i just have a feeling thats not what this is, that hes doing this solely for the validation of his fuck ass boyfriend

and the thing is, i would feel bad if it was literally Anyone Else going through that, but he did the same thing to me, to his ex who is now my bestie, to my other friends who used to be friends with him, to anyone who’s ever known him honestly.

and i dont wish him ill anymore. i really dont, i could not care less, and this post will probably be the last time i ever think about him because i really could not care about him less at this point, but its insane to me that he used to be so like firm in his opinion that men who were feminine werent real men, and he actively enjoyed making me feel like shit for being too feminine, and now he’s doing the same thing he used to make fun of me for.

maybe im just salty because i never got a real apology from him, but at this point i dont even want an apology from him because i know that it would be more akin to colleen ballinger’s “toxic gossip train” video than a real apology

well i think ive yapped on about this enough if u read all the way here thanks lol

[future-boi]

Doctober 2023 prompt #29: 2023

Warning: Long post

I dragged my bestie to go see the Broadway musical version of bttf earlier this year. IT WAS WONDERFUL. 💝💝💝

We watched it back in August, so my memory isn't the clearest and I'll probably forget something, but this is a long enough post as is.

SPOILERS FOR THE MUSICAL BELOW

I mean, its just the movie but in musical format, but they add things here and there that surprised me, so if u like to be surprised... there's your warning

My friend and I sat in the middle of Row F (highlighted in green above). We wanted to be close, but not super close to have to look up at a weird angle. It was crazy to be so close AND SUPER WORTH IT. When the actors look out into the audience you can really feel like they're looking at you (from their POV they prolly dont see anything because the lights) its a really cool experience! 🤩🤩

OK SO MY FAVORITE LINE FROM THE MUSICAL THAT HAD ME ROLLING BECAUSE IT WAS SO UNEXPECTED WAS: "Is this what they call 'white trash'???" I won't spoil the full context bUT HE WAS REFERRING TO MARTY AT THAT MOMENT.

The Earth Angel scene made me love and appreciate the scene in the movie, and the song EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DID. THEY EVEN BROUGHT OUT THE BUBBLES AND IT WAS A WHOLE VIBE (yet another reason why I was grateful we sat in the front). They nailed the execution of the scene, people were cheering and everything during the kiss. Even I got hyped, whereas before, when I was just watching the movie, I was like 'aight.'

The atmosphere in the theater hit different frfr. When Marty and Doc reunited at the end and hugged, I let out a little, "Yay!!" They had such good chemistry on stage, my favorite moments of them were when one of them would say something crazy and then the other would go, "What?" And then the other would go, "What??" And confusion ensues.

AND THEN, AS IF UNEXPECTED STUFF DIDN'T ALREADY HAPPEN, THE MOST UNEXPECTED THING HAPPENED AT THE END. THE DELOREAN FLEW.

IT FLEW.

INTO THE CROWD.

RIGHT ABOVE US.

AND THAT MADE IT SUPER WORTH IT TO SIT CLOSE TO THE FRONT. I wonder what it looked like from the balcony though...

Can we just take a moment to appreciate Hugh Coles??? He single-handedly made me appreciate the character of George after seeing his performance.

Look at this mad lad, he got all the photos of Crispin Glover on his mirror 😱😱😱 manifested this man frfr

He's one yarn ball away from an 'I'm crazy' wall

The SASS

Man said 🚶‍♂️💅 AND IM HERE FOR IT

Ok, last pic, the matching pose 🤩💘

FR HE NAILED THE CHARACTER PERFORMANCE, IT WAS INSANE. You really gotta see it to believe it. mf from west end too so imagine my surprise when I heard him in an interview with an accent ☠️☠️☠️

Literally me throughout the whole musical:

I knew I was going to like the musical, but what I listed out here is basically the reason why I LOVED the musical. I love surprises so that's a big part of it as well.

Fave song: Used to be 'Put Your Mind To It' then it was 'It Works' but I think I settled on 'Something About That Boy' I just love duets and overlapping lines in songs. [But we all know the best song is Cake 💅]

TL,DR: The bestie and I went to see bttf the musical. i am a changed man... and now im here 🙃

[disventure-rewrite-takes]

I think the way Tom’s backstory was laid out was really poor— his scars don’t make sense to have all been one horrible bout of torture (they’re not even all the same kind of scar, it doesn’t make sense) and he’s also like. Kinda young (29 or something, right?) to have been out on the field?

It would’ve been so cool if we got more on how that actually happened. Clearly he has a drive to help people (and usually in my own smaller writings I take that fact and run with it) but go a bit further than that. Maybe his family somehow had something to do with why he got into the agency despite having just. Awful stealth and deception skills. Maybe he was some kind of practical prodigy.

I don’t know MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS INSANE STORYLINE MATTERS! PLEASE!

Also maybe letting his facial scars impact his appearance further would’ve been cool. Like maybe he’s blind in one of his eyes or one of his nostrils are closed over (in the case of making this a burn or something).

I mean, cmon… it’s insane he has both of his ears. Make him lose an ear.

Or at least something besides sexy battle scars. Im going to foam at the mouth. Maybe make them look like something specific happened? Maybe? Bare minimum? Yeah?

- 🫀

THIS!!! you understand my problem with his design!!! like yeah one glance and he looks super pleasing design-wise but scars aren’t always just meant to be pretty, let alone battle/torture scars.

this isn’t to toot my own horn but rather for a character design comparision. take my OC kagayaki next to tom:

which one’s history can you guess, understand, and accept better? is it the one with the eyepatch, as if hiding something he may be ashamed of, perhaps a disfigured eye, as well as half his face literally burnt off? or is it the tumblr sexyman with scars that are there just to make him look sexy?

and i’m not saying you can’t have a scar meant to make a character look sexier, but at least give it a clear past. those scars did NOT come from torture. here’s another OC of mine, samejima; he has a scar i gave him at first simply to make him hot, but then went back and gave it more of a past and even added more scars:

there’s a burn scar similar to kagayaki’s (they have a. past.), but also a classic sexy scar™ that he got in a fight with his mentor. (he may not be the best example because he’s like. magic and shit and that’s why his left eye is not blind despite the scar - at least his right one is - and why he can still grow facial hair on the burn scar. BUT STILL.) you don’t have to give him the burn scar, he still works with just that other one because IT HAS A CLEAR AND LOGICAL PAST.

back to tom though, i would so redesign him so he has half his face burnt off and he’s blind in one eye. and just for shits and giggles we could cover his torso in burn scars too. make his nipples fall off idrk. just give me something of substance!!! i beg of you ONC PLEASE!!!!!!!

TL;DR tom’s scars are there just to make him look sexy and don’t contribute well to his overall character design and arc, rather making them even more confusing or illogical.

[liauditore]

hi i have returned opinions on secret life so far? (also any idea why bigb’s secret animation was different to everyone else’s?) :D

hi hi i have so many Thoughts that i will definitely miss Something but. lots of things. spoilers for ep1 under the cut obvs.

why is every ship getting crumbs. literally all of them. what is wrong with everyone wtf. (except treebark. treebark girlies stay losing)

new mechanic is insanely hype and i am going a little bit feral over it. i've been wanting a UHC-style season for a long time and this seems a great way to kind of. entertainment-fy it i suppose? cus as much as i wanted straight up UHC i can totally understand why players like joel or skizz or scar would struggle hard in that sort of ruleset and it wouldn't be very fun to watch as a result.

i'm a bit.. tentative about the more acknowledgment of the Lore this time around? On one hand i love it and i think it's incredibly cool but on the other hand i know well that lore can eat a series alive if let out of control. Especially when fans start getting pushy about their theories and disappointed when inevitably things aren't as explained or thoroughly confirmed or straight up forgotten. (<-- fnaf fan. i have seen it. it is horrible)

that being said i have trust in grian specifically to handle it well and not go off the deep end with it cus a good chunk of the viewers don't know/care for the lore and if it becomes a Big Thing then a lot of people are gonna end up feeling alienated and confused.

i LOVED Bigb's episode and i think it's like. the ideal way to incorporate lore into a series like this. the way you can Feel that something is off rather than it being explicitly shown. you can choose to write it off or dig deeper. it's good juice. I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again -- Bigb is easily one of the strongest roleplayers on the entire server and his editing REALLY sells it hard. He really melts into what's happening rather than getting up on a platform and shouting THIS PART IS IMPORTANT. LOOK AT ME. which i really appreciate as a kind-of honorary former theatre kid.

but yeah tl;dr i think lore/fan theories should be left to the fandom mainly otherwise it starts getting weird. that being said i trust the life series ppl and can't wait to see what's going on with this season.

now if i may be unhinged myself. i def agree with the theory that Something is up with Bigb's task and maybe whatever gave it to him is trying to mess with the game.

Bigb and Mumbo specifically I felt were acting.. a little OOC the whole episode? Bigb was very much on purpose i think and i reckon mumbo's just excited to be back lol but its fun to think about

the task system has a lot of potential for. fanfic symbolism fuel. i mentioned this on my spam blog i think but something something about the way the players' tasks almost seem to. mock them? a little bit?

like pearl's being to "earn" people's hearts after she failed to make any connections throughout double life and has been somewhat isolated the whole series. bdubs being known for his efficient and beautiful builds being told to make something ugly and useless. scott being implicitly called a parasite with his history of teaming and latching onto one specific person each season. etc. etc.

the teams this time around are looking interesting and i think it's worth noting how it almost feels like.. the opposite of limlife a bit? with how slow and cautious everyone has to play. it seems like over half the server haven't really even joined up with anyone yet which is intriguing. (im personally praying for a scar/jimmy team up. just cus scott said they wouldn't make it lol)

which is great for me cus i loved limlife but the chaoticness of everything did kind of. make deaths less impactful i think? if i see another sky bridge i might scream

im very. of two minds about the scott and impulse team up. because if you dig through my blog you'll see i have kind of a history of being unhinged about those two and their parallels. but i have the sneaking suspicion that their actual dynamic will be like nothing i had in mind lmao

overall i am very excited but trying to control my expectations

also um MUMBO AND LIZZIE ARE BACK AND GEM IS IN THE SERIES AND MUMBO AND LIZZIE AND THUBS ETHUBS ETHUBS ETHUBS ETHUBS--

[jesterthebestsir]

To 🎩 anon (you turned off anon and I'm not sure if that was an accident or not),

"Dear jester I loved reading all that you had said, i found it rather interesting and i feel that we have the same way of processing each event, methodically and in order ! The situations are rather chaotic, but sifting through each element has helped me tremendously to sort out everything.

I deeply thank you for sharing all that with me.

Seems i relate to you even more now, i am also very mature for my age (same as you) and have become rather burnt out with my schooling and life just in general. I was in a period of time where I had lost all sense of feeling, as i had spent years and years tied to people and in lots of emotional turmoil. He got me out of a very awful time, showed me what true love and kindness was. Never have i experienced that in my life, nor did i ever want to. But now that i have, i don't ever want to let go. Even though he is turning 20 in 8 days

At first, i was scared. Couldn't tell him about that specific factor of me. Although recently, i did, and i somehow knew that he had already known, yet was still too afraid i'd get left again. Seems like he cant leave me either but i guess thats a little fucked up hahaha im glad you realise the pros and cons with your situation and know that although you're obsessed with her, you know its for the better to be apart. I am yet to learn that hahaah !

I find solace knowing we have had similar experiences, although how unfortunate they are, we will find what works for us and what helps us get better. I hope you dont mind my little rambling haha I love your posts tremendously and i am glad you are doing better!

i guess i should make an anon hmmm :3

-🎩 anon"

TL;DR: Find a way to wean off him

My situation seems to be somewhat different than yours as you're still in contact with him and know much more about him than I do about her, I'm not sure how deep your obsession is with him but I'll give you some things that'll at least help you wean off him:

Highlight his flaws:

For me, my obsession centered around entitlement and objectification; she was only a girl meant to help ME through MY problems and give ME comfort. Any time it seemed like I was doing something for her, it just so happened that my attempt of self-gratification just so happens to benefit her (EX: I want to kidnap you because I don't see you as your person, but something to be owned). The more I took the time to look at how she looked, her misspellings, and her overall demeanor, I stopped seeing her as a concept meant to please me and more as a person, a person I didn't want to date.

Consider your personality:

As I grew up and started to become my own person, I realized that my personality didn't mesh as well with hers; I was easily distracted, easily annoyed, mentally unstable, emotionally dependant, but physically distant, and hypersexual. That didn't go well with how naive, childish, and go with the flow she could be and that didn't sit right with me. What if I yell at her?! What if she's uncomfortable with my advances, how would I react? What if I become too dependant on her?! Would that annoy her?! Write about him:

I didn't write about her too much, but it did help me realize how truly fucked up our one-sided "relationship" was looking back (even just a day later) at my writings that were begging myself to let go of her really made me break those rose colored glasses

Hang out with friends more:

I know it's insanely cliche, but hear me out!

As I hung out with my friend more and talked to her less, I found myself becoming slightly more dependant on them as they were healthier to be around and can keep me from doing stupid stuff like contacting her again.

Indulge in fiction:

Around 2020, I found myself getting deep into a series (that I still love to this day) that kept my attention and slowly took over my brain, almost replacing my affection for her. I found so many characters that acted just like her and a lot of them annoyed me, which I think solidified my first point of only like her as a concept and not a person.

Consider the future:

Ask yourself: a couple years from now, when you're 18 (assuming you're a minor, but if not just imagine yourself older), do you see yourself with him?

Showing him off to your parents?

Doing mundane tasks non-romantic tasks like doing laundry?

What would being with him look like?

Do you want to get married to him? Have kids? Grow old?

How romanized is your future with him? When you look at your future with him do you see an ideal person, an almost god-like being with zero flaws or do you see him?

My answer to half of these questions was,"God no"

Like I said before, I don't know much about your situation; how long you've known him, how long you've talked to him, ect ect. so these might not be helpful, but I, at the very least, want you to distance yourself from him a bit, especially if the age gap is as bad as mine (16/21).

[bread-knife]

Loved the explanation on my genshin post💗💗 BUT JUST TO PUT IT OUT THERE.

This was my reaction to every single explanation:

-Noora

thats how i feel and im in the fucking thick of it 😭😭😭😭 what do you MEAN diluc (some redhead rich twink with a bigass sword basically) went to genshin impact russia and went genociding and maybe joined a cult because the fatui (genshin impact russia's government/military/basically everything) killed his dad (dottore indirectly killed the guy too L. dottore is the cause of probably like 90% of the problems in recent in-universe history by the way). what the FUCK is going on with khaenri'ah. in the sumeru arc they bring up the casual existence of Information That Makes You Instantly Go Insane (feat. TWO spectacular relevant cutscenes) that not only makes you go insane (what the fuck) but ALSO causes basically cancer in the entire world lol AND causes eleazar ("FUCK your nervous system + cope + ratio + gradually get scaly + eventually die idiot" chronic disabling illnesss) what the hell is in that stuff. they first call it Divine Knowledge as a marketing thing in-universe bc of course you'd want to know what the gods know. It's not like there are an insane number of stories telling you precisely why you shouldn't go for that kind of stuff. & then it's called Forbidden Knowledge because this is NONE of the divinities' business. and then they just havent talked about it again since, like, aranyaka (10+ hour long questline deadass) and such.

tl;dr, daddy issues, one of the playables is maybe a straight-up cult member, dottore sucks and is evil, and khaenri'ah got hiroshima'd AND nagasaki'd AND horrifically cursed ON TOP OF THAT, including completely innocent normal people who never did anything wrong & the nation's children. there is information that makes you go insane if you learn it, which causes eleazar & basically cancer to the world itself. & aranyaka (OVER 10 HOUR LONG QUESTLINE!!!!) exists. i did aranyaka in one sitting :3

LONGER and more specific form of the post:

diluc ragnvindr, some redhead noble twink, gets horrifically traumatized on his, like, 18th birthday because his dad is mortally injured protecting him & their entourage from a monster known as "Ursa the Drake" that was summoned by the fatui putting a literal bug on their wagon that lets out a special frequency. his dad either dies in front of him OR he's forced to mercy kill his own father, leaving him an orphan. there was also the attempted murder thing with Kaeya, his adoptive brother and also basically the only person in Mondstadt who isn't hex code #FFFFFF

building off of diluc's problems, Kaeya Alberich is a pureblooded Khaenri'ahn (identifiable by special pupils) who was NOT hit with the racism curse so he's fine i think. his bio dad left him in mondstadt for diluc's dad (important nobleman) to run into and hopefully adopt in order for the SMALL CHILD to act as a SPY for a TORMENTED AND NEAR-DEAD NATION. after diluc's dad died in front of him kaeya swung by and discovered the scene & was like ohhh shit. and then he was like "i need to tell diluc that i was planted here as a spy Right Now". so diluc, understandably betrayed & angry, tried to kill him & then fucked off to snezhnaya (genshin russia; this took me a while to learn to spell right consistently) to go kill Fatui for like 2 years i think. and join a cult maybe i guess

Khaenri'ah's purebloods were cursed into horrible immortality that causes them immense suffering forever & ever, & the non purebloods were transformed into monsters, including hilichurls, the setting's stock mob goblins/orcs/whatever. Caribert is an especially horrendous example; his dad, Chlothar Alberich, was a pureblood, while Caribert wasn't (mom is long-dead at this point). so Chlothar has been a single father to his son, who has been turned into some horrific Thing with an intellect barely above that of an animal. Chlothar has ALSO been DESPERATELY SEEKING A CURE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS. he is DESPERATE ENOUGH TO PRAY TO THE ARCHONS THAT SLAUGHTERED HIS PEOPLE. this guy is Kaeya's ancestor, and also the founder of the Abyss Order (khaenri'ahns transformed into monsters now seeking revenge on Teyvat).

Also, there was this kid who literally fell into The Abyss, basically Genshin Impact Hell sort of, when he was 14. He eventually escaped, but his family soon discovered that their beloved son was suddenly... different. Tartaglia (his title as a Harbinger of the Fatui), to date, is the ONLY playable character in Genshin Impact with NO light in his eyes.

[heyeinin]

the second best advice i can give about learning to code is "dont give up."

the absolute best advice i can give is

find something to be insane about and run with it.

find something that you are passionate about and that you can wake up every day and think about for hours and then design and build a website for it. it can be anything you love in the entire world. when i was a kid, i was rabid about my neopets and the stories i had written for them, so i built petpages that allowed me to spruce up how i presented what i had written. in 2019, i got so into a video game character who surely would have had an author website that i built a fake one for her as if she were a real person.

ive been coding semi-professionally for about a year to get a feel for it and now ive committed to doing it as a full-time job. find something to be fucking batshit about and let it carry you.

list of resources for the fundamentals of HTML under the cut. (TL;DR: htmlforpeople.com, the HTML handbook from fcc, w3schools, freecodecamp)

if anyone has any resources for more things that focus on just the very fundamentals of HTML, id love to hear them! im trying to teach someone to code and hes not a pantser and doesnt really benefit from reverse engineering or trial and error-- hes going to want a solid base before he tries to dive into anything more complex.

i have been thinking about it and i think it might be useful to link some intermediate HTML/CSS tutorials for neocities developers. i think a lot of people may be in a similar place that i was when i started developing neocities sites-- i had more than a passing familiarity with both, but i wasnt "good" or "skilled" at using it yet, and i definitely wasnt confident in my knowledge or application. so here are some things ive found and bookmarked that i felt were useful in progressing from "yeah, i know how to build a webpage with HTML/CSS" to "i am good at HTML/CSS."

htmlforpeople.com - this is "your first html site" type of stuff. the most important part of anything is the fundamentals, and i found this extremely well broken down without being borderline condescending in its presentation. this guide approaches html in a way that ive not really seen before (as a type of document) and that i really, really love! check it out.

the HTML handbook (freecodecamp.org) - a slightly more in-depth guide that i think breaks down things in a way that is useful but a little more advanced than htmlforpeople and provides additional useful context that even as someone who had been building (basic) websites for 15 years i didnt know or fully understand.

w3schools - for reference! good for practice, too. they have sections on HTML and CSS, and you can do learning courses as well. they are not very in depth, though, and if you want something more structured and in depth, you ought to try...

freecodecamp - i recommend fcc over most others not because i think it is soooo superior in terms of their teaching style but specifically because i really like their model. they are not a business trying to separate you from your money by promising better courses if you pay-- anyone anywhere can take their (quality) courses for entirely free and they have discussion boards, a discord, etc. and its just... refreshing. pls give fcc a try if you are learning to code.

[vypridae]

ogh sorry but i neeeeeed to rant and get this out of my system this is very lazily thrown together and probably is gonna sound like im a jackass but its just irritating me so bad tonight

(all ships / names / etc censored to keep out of main tags cuz i think thats a thing tumblr does but honestly idk anymore)

i HATE b s d twitter. ill go on there to try to find s*glai content cuz tumblr and ao3 dont have much most of the time, and i'll only find hate or transfem s*gma. and like! that's such a real and valid hc. but for the love of fuck i see people forcing it onto people and i'd rather die (not die as in never hc that i love trans hcs but as a high sigma kin and also who has been feeling EXTREMELY dysphoric as of late i would rather not be forced to see so much she/her s*gma cuz it makes ME feel INSANELY dysphoric [for some dumb reason]).

but also like 90% of twt users Bully others for not using she/her for s*gma. like. guys. stop FORCING HEADCANONS its so stupid let people hc what they want!!!!!! i love ur hcs but jesus fucking christ!!!!!!! stop fORCING IT ON ME like ive never liked forcing hcs on people if u dont think the same about my blorbo thats fine!!!!! we have different genres of our blorbo!!!!! BUT STOP TRYING TO FORCE YOUR VERSION OF MY BLORBO ON ME!!!!! PLEASE

i also just generally hate how many people are like "s*glai is ass lmao" like dont post hate pls. esp when they're a fy*lai shipper like hello u ship the most BASIC bsd ship ever (no hate on fy*lai) BUT LIKE... UGRH it makes me so upset for no reason like abehbehbehbehbr

tl;dr i fucking hate looking for s*glai or s*gma content on twitter

[hollow-l1es]

No but like i need to elaborate on this bc its actually a huge deal for me (sorry im gonna get a bit personal haha feel free to skip if you don’t care)

The first time I ever experienced a panic attack I was 14 and i was watching the reverse bear trap scene on youtube when it happened (normal things you do at 14 when you’re an Edgy teen with morbid curiosity ig haha)

Following that my anxiety started spiraling immensely and I got diagnosed with depression only a few weeks later

I still don’t know exactly why all this was triggered at that moment but lets just say it created this really strong association in my brain and for literal years i couldn’t even think about saw without panicking completely

Like obviously saw didnt give me depression but in my case nothing in particular caused my depression, and I think it was just easier to think a dumb movie scene could cause all this insane response rather than accept that my brain was just broken

This association persisted in my brain for years until for some reason in the past few weeks I decided i was tired of it and decided to give myself exposure therapy thru tumblr and memes and edits and stuff

Cause you know, this is kinda crazy actually and Im not 14 anymore and I want to be able to enjoy this thing that so many other people enjoy!!

And like honestly? Its been so fucking scary but also weirdly freeing and its crazy but I came to genuinely appreciate this fucked up little movie and its fucked up little fandom:’)

I think finding out that leigh whannell also suffered severe anxiety when he was writing the movie was weirdly healing for me, like in the end we’re all navigating thru this hell in any way we can and sometimes that involves writing an unhinged little messy torture porn movie with your best friend and I think that’s strangely relatable!

Idk the brain is just such a weird thing! And some of that old saw-related anxiety is definitely still in there somewhere and Im probably not gonna watch the sequels but just being able to somewhat break the stress response associated with it has been really meaningful to me

Idk it makes me weirdly hopeful for the future that I was able to turn something that brought me so much dread into an actual source of joy

Ahemmm tl;dr shoutout tumblr sawtism community for helping me fight my trauma of 8 years, i truly couldn’t have done it without yall:3

Chainshipping 4ever😮‍💨

I JUST WATCHED SAW

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[house-of-laminations]

Out of curiosity, (and after rereading The Incident again), do you think MC might have any resilience towards the hallowed and the holy because of time spent with Simeon and Luke? Or because of Lilith and what happens with her?

That's a really good question and I'll try and not be too ramble-y as I answer it but I make no promises 💛

There's very little in-canon about the differences between angels and demons, and what we do have is largely just... political? Heaven has their no-demons-allowed club and their demons-are-evil beliefs, but there's no concrete evidence to indicate that a demon is physically/biologically/spiritually incompatible with the realm. Devildom, on the other hand, is even more perplexing purely because of Barb's 'she won't last long in the devildom air' comment. There are references to smiting, but both angels and avatars make mention of that so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ We also know there are spells that work against demons, but again, they also work against angels too (like Lucifer's ward that keeps Belphie locked in the attic).

I personally view 'angels/holiness' as more of a worldview or epistemology than a species. The line between angels and demons in this game is so arbitrary that I honestly believe they're from the same stock (long worldbuilding hc post to come that dives into that in more detail). Both demons and angels are made from cosmic eldritch stuff and for some reason MC is more resilient to that stuff than a normal human. Probably because of Lilith. They're not entirely immune, and I personally believe they would go insane if exposed to the entirety of what they brothers are (for now, anyway). So if there were to be some kind of divine-based spell or ward, I think MC could shrug it off. Simeon and Luke's favour though would definitely help in a power-boost kinda way - able to help them resist the stronger magics. Well. Luke's favour would. I have Thoughts™ about Simeon and divinity.

The line in "The Incident" about hallowed grounds was coming from a human who thinks he knows what he's talking about, but really, is kinda just making it up based on experience and some old texts from people who were also kinda making it up. If it helps, I see that whole fic happening in an old catholic or anglican church, but I kept it vague enough just in case people have strong feelings about those types of settings. The brothers had no problems being there, and neither did MC (outside of yknow. the whole torture/captivity thing). There could be divine spells or wards that could keep demons or humans out, but I don't think they're an intrinsic property for religious establishments. They have to be cast by someone with the intention of creating a 'safe space', and that's not necessarily divinity.

The closest thing I could see to being truly anti-demon, or 'hallowed' is a person who is just purely good. Who makes peace with their flaws and is able to let go of their pride and other vices. And those types of people are very hard to come by. As soon as it becomes a group, you have power dynamics and politics involved which invites pride and envy and all those other pesky emotions and vices.

tl;dr I do think MC has somewhat of a resistance to divine magic/hallowed grounds simply because they also have resistance to demonic energy thanks to Lilith. Luke gives a power boost to that, and maybe Simeon helps (but again - Thoughts™).

yeah wow ok this got long and rambly but i hope it helps explain where im coming from in my fic world building?

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

The part of griomer that makes me most insane is the period we don’t see… when eomer must suspect or essentially know that grima is working for Saruman but has no proof. Thoughts on this?

I have returned from the haunted house. Time for more Grima asks 🐍 🐍 💜

Oh man!! It is a wild and feral making time for everyone, those two to three years.

As usual, I wrote an essay in response. Because what is brevity when I have a free soap box upon which to stand? I go on about the books for a bit then go into Swimming Through Fire/Shit I Think For Reasons

tl;dr: It’d be two to three emotionally intense years where Eomer wouldn’t really look at what he’s feeling or why he might be feeling it and would instead do a lot of reacting rather than responding. 

There would be a lot of circling around each other with Grima catching on to Eomer’s awareness of his treason pretty early on. They’re both sly and cunning people, in their own way, so it’d be viper versus viper. A dangerous liaison game for a few years. Beneath it, of course, would run many a strange undercurrent. 

Eomer and Grima - a tale of two idiots being idiots while the world is falling down around them. One of them tries to fix it, the other just adds more oil to the grease fire that is the third age. 

-- 

Some nattering on about the books: 

In canon for the book it’s a bit unclear exactly what Eomer knows when it comes to Grima. When he meets up with Aragorn et al out in the wilds of the plains, he does refer to Some People Speaking Craven Councils to the King, which we can infer to be Grima. Eomer also tells Aragorn that he doesn’t think all of Saruman’s friends reside in Isengard - a nicely veiled way of saying he thinks there’s a spy in the court and that spy is close to the king. But he is never explicit, and we are never really given a deep glimpse into what Eomer knows/suspects when it comes to Grima. (Which is a lovely nod to Eomer’s political acuity, something that often gets overlooked/forgotten in fandom.)

In addition, it is important to remember that Grima was a trusted member of the king’s household and council and had been for many years. There are bits in TTT where rando soldiers are like “kinda wish Grima was here. That dude always had like five plans up his sleeves. He had back up plans for his back up plans”. Even Theoden talks about how much he missed having Grima as his advisor.

Which speaks to how shocking it must have been for a lot of people! And how part of every-day life Grima was and how present and trusted he was. People might not have liked him (canonically unclear if people did or not, pre-treason), but they certainly respected his skills and relied upon him. It must have been absolute whiplash for a lot of people when it was exposed!

Now, the bit where Eomer threatened Grima and ends up under house arrest (compounded by the fact that he let Aragorn et al wander the land without bringing them to the king, which goes against ““Theoden’s”” orders) was done off screen, so we don’t see it. However, based on the conversation between Gandalf and Eomer when Grima’s about to be booted out, it’s very clear their altercation was about Grima paying undue attention to Eowyn, rather than anything to do with Saruman.

What exactly the undue attention was, we don’t really know because no one appears to have bothered to ask Eowyn her opinion on basically anything and Eomer doesn’t give us much beyond “he was spooking on my sister!!” However, given Eomer’s hair thin trigger when it comes to threatening people (see: the entire Gimli bit) who knows - Grima could have just said “you look very nice today my lady” and Eomer is like “LEAVE MY SISTER ALONE. IM GOING TO KILL YOU” and Grima is like “….Eomer…you are aware that threatening someone’s life in the king’s hall is against the law right?” To which Eomer is just like “TOO LATE.”

This is the man who almost started an International Incident after talking to Gimli for 0.5 seconds. Bless both of them.

All of this is to say, in book canon we know Eomer had suspicions SOMEONE WHOSE NAME RHYMES WITH SHRIMA might be working for Saruman, but no proof. And any and all details of the who/what/where/when/why of Eomer’s suspicions about our favourite Wyrm are entirely unknown.  

Like, when Gandalf visited in summer of 3018 to warn Theoden of Isengard, Eomer just said that Gandalf alerted them to a potential war with Saruman, who previously Rohan considered an ally, and Theoden didn’t listen then Gandalf fucked off with Shadowfax, the king’s favourite horse. Now Theoden is pissed, so don’t say Gandalf’s name in his presence. There’s no mention that Gandalf was like “and also, Grima is working for Saruman” when he visited.

So any suspicions Eomer may have had, it’s unclear if they were ever substantiated before the Big Reveal in TTT.

Anyway, enough with the books. Obviously in the movies Eomer is aware of the treason, he just can’t prove it.

-

NOW THAT THAT IS OUT OF THE WAY: Swimming Through Fire

I’ve spoken a bit before about how I think they would have engaged with each other for much of their knowing one another - mostly, neither paid each other much mind until the last five to seven years before the events of LOTR. 

This is because Eomer was young and Grima would have been busy climbing the greasy pole. They come into each other’s orbits in a meaningful way when Eomer fully steps into his role as Third Marshal, and Grima becomes more prominent in the court as advisor/law speaker/whatever Unferthian role it is he plays. 

Given that Eomer is twenty-seven when LOTR takes place, I can see him stepping into Third Marshal role formally when he hits twenty/twenty-one/twenty-two. Something in there. We don’t know when Rohan’s Of Age is for men to properly take over their father’s former positions. So, Eomer has to take his job seriously as a marshal of the mark starting five to seven years before the series, and that’s when Grima’s existence would start meaning something to him beyond “some dude who works for my uncle”. 

In Swimming Through Fire, they’ve always had a bit of a competitive/quarrelish relationship. But it’s not vicious, the way it becomes for a bit there from circa 3016/17 through to 3019. Indeed, we know Eomer makes quite a few references to that standing backgammon/tabula competition they have wherein they apparently have been keeping logs of who wins each game and are trying to outdo each other. 

Eomer might not have wholly enjoyed Grima’s company - even though they’ve got their Game Nights that happen, I think it takes Eomer a long time to figure out how to maneuver around Grima. Like...he’s basically finally figuring it out in the events of Swimming Through Fire. 

Grima just spent three years viewing everyone as pawns as he basically just lived in a state of near constant disassociation which, as we all know, does wonders for a person. Very healthy. 

They both have this weird, semi-fixated UGH YOU’RE ANNOYING-hate(?)-hard-on for each other (though they’re not at all aware of this). The existence of this hard-on-fixation-whatever, is partially due to the fact that they might not necessarily enjoy each other’s company, but they do have respect for one another in terms of their capabilities and are aware that the other is smart and, well, a worthy opponent. in the weird little games of court (though Eomer would say he’s not willingly part of these games. Grima’s just made him part of them). 

Eomer: I would like to remove myself from this narrative. 

Grima: Too late, you’re a pawn on my scheming. Time to play real life chess, bitch. 

Because of this weird quasi-hate-hard-on-fixation Eomer twigs onto the treason pretty swiftly. I’m not sure Eomer knows what he feels about it aside from the expected anger, frustration, a lot of “how fucking dare you” and “I hate you So much” etc. 

But there is something beneath it, and it’s hurt. Plain and simple hurt. Because while in Swimming Through Fire universe, Grima’s treason isn’t strictly speaking personal, it’s still a betrayal. It still wounds those who once trusted him. 

Eomer is very much, ‘We might have always been at each other’s throats or trying to smash each other’s fingers with backgammon pieces, but you were one of us. I always thought you were on our side, at the end of the day. We could rely on you and trust you.’ 

So, because Eomer deals with things in a very Mature Adult Manner, this doesn’t at all lead to all kinds of weird blow-outs between them that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS because Eomer has no proof of the treason and so can’t tell anyone other than like Eowyn. But he’s all weird older, protective, overbearing brother with her so I doubt he keeps her much in the loop. It’s the whole Dead Dad Macho-Man of the Family bullshit. 

Eowyn: have you thought about not leaning into the intense Rohirric machismo for ten minutes? 

Eomer: ??? why would I do that ??? 

Grima: please gods someone tell him he can stop being The Man for a hot minute.

That said, Eowyn is canny so I wouldn’t be shocked if she figured it out on her own. Or at least had some heavy suspicions. 

(An aside: I think there’s limited textual support in the books of E^2 having had a close sibling relationship, which is something fandom doesn’t really engage with. Ditto for the Faramir-side of the Faramir and Boromir deal. Though I know it’s a little different in the movies) 

So yeah - those two to three years would be emotionally very intense ones where I think Eomer wouldn’t really look at what he’s feeling or why he might be feeling it and instead does a lot of reacting rather than responding. 

As noted above, Grima’s just living a great out-of-body-experience for most of it, so he has zero (0) emotions and that won’t backfire for him at all. 

There would be a lot of circling around each other. I think Grima would catch on that Eomer knows about his treason pretty quickly. Their both sly and cunning people, in their own way. So it’d be this interesting viper against viper game for a few years. But beneath it, of course, the world’s whackiest undercurrent of ???? and lust??? and more ????? and “fuck i hate that you’re smart” followed by competency-boner???? then ????

Eomer and Grima - a tale of two idiots being idiots while the world is falling down around them. One of them tries to fix it, the other just adds more oil to the grease fire that is the third age. 

🐍 🐍 Thank you again for asking!! I love our weird snake boys!!

[speak-now-girlies-unite]

(this is really long, if you want the tl;dr- lines from her song and from karnarks explanation make me think she hung from a tree for a bit. no one knew her cs she just moved to uranium a week b4 the accident and no one ever really had a chance to notice her.)

my much more in depth reasoning for jane hanging in the tree alive for a bit, plus how no one knew who she was:

cw: death, breif mentioned of shitty parents

how did she die?

in her song she sings “and from the ground beneath my feet i hear the anguish in the streets”. karnark says that the front axel (i tried googling what that is, i did not get very good results) broke and they fell from the top of the loop-de-loop, so the idea that shes falling feet first doesnt make much sense, and the idea that she gets stuck in the cart with her feet towards the ground doesnt make much sense either. i think she was definitely the last one to die, and ik that the head can hear for 7 seconds after being decapitated but i couldnt figure out a way for her head to be cut clean off, nothing really added up like that. plus, if it was just separated from her body and not destroyed, how did no one ever find it?

so i decided that the cart crashes into her head, squishing it into a million little pieces, killing her and allowing her to fall from the tree, unidentifiable and the last to die.

how did no one know her?

as we all know, uranium is a tiny town. in an early version of the opening song, they even say that theres only one main street. so if uranium is so small and everyone knew everyone, how did no one know jane?

i think that her and her family had just barely moved there, maybe for the same reason as oceans parents? maybe they just wanted to find a small rural town idk. jane joins the school and the choir a week before their performance/the accident, and father marcus lets her join because he thinks itll help her make friends. because she joined so late, her name isnt registered in the choir competition.

at the few choir practices that shes there for, she hangs around in the back with ricky. they noticed each other, but ricky couldnt talk and he never knew her name. in the afterlife, he knew what she looked like, but nothing about her (name personality likes dislikes etc) so he never mentioned that he knew her cause he didnt. the rest of the choir never noticed her.

(mischa- either skipping or on his phone. noel- arguing with ocean or missing cs of work. ocean- arguing with noel and being insane and stressed. constance- trying to keep noel and ocean from blowing up the place)

ok sure the choir but what about the rest of the school?

i think that jane couldve gotten mildly sick for a few days before the comp. if she had just moved to the school, and then disappeared for 2-3 days, and then died, she barely wouldve been noticed by anyone. no one knew her enough to notice her absence.

also, even if youre thinking the school keeping record of her tranferring, i think a lot of the town was very careless with records and in general keeping things safe. she couldve just not been ever mentioned anywhere.

her family???

this is the one thats actually stumped me. tbh i dont know and theres no real way to know, but if i had to come up with an explanation, i would say that she wasnt a planned kid, her parents were shitty, and they noticed she was gone but just never said anything bc they didnt care enough </3

ive also seen people bring up a little brother, but i dont know anything about legoland so im not going to go there, sorry.

so thats how i think everything went down! if you have any other questions, feel free to ask and ill try to answer the best i can. and remember, thats just a theory. a september 14th 6:19pm theoryy

how i think the choir died, in order + color coded<3 i doubt this is very accurate to how things happen irl but oh well

(the gray circles are trees)

[gwynbleiddyn]

MIOOOOO: Let’s see Hierophant, Hanged Man, Devil, and since what you talked about earlier, Moon?

For Kve let’s have Justice and World!

fuck yeah let's deep dive

maahes

05.  the hierophant  :  what are your muse’s morals / ethics ? do they follow their moral code strictly ?

he's classed as a true neutral alignment, on a technical level, and that's probably pretty accurate -- i think his moral code is largely driven by what he perceives to be pelor's guidance, understandably due to his oath, with a generous sprinkling of sehanine's wisdom. in faelethris, they are both largely neutral entities (iirc, subject to DM correction if i'm off kilter) whose domains don't adhere to any kind of morality in the traditional sense. you probably wouldn't win mio over by playing to any guilt derived from his apathy, in the same way that you wouldn't really gain anything from making him feel like a bastion of moral principle. he truly doesn't care; pelor's goals and his own goals always outrank other people's.

also, i've spoken about it before, but there's a lot of imagery around the sun in mio's life and it's intentional for several reasons, but specifically one of those reasons is that the sun itself is a neutral body. it's just a star. it has no bearing on what it's doing to our world, but our world thrives on it as much as it has to survive under it. that's kind of the position of the king in akhenaton, in a sense.

tl;dr he's not all bad, but he's really not all good either.

12.  the hanged man  :  how open is your muse to new opportunities ? do they constantly look for them or do they simply take whatever comes their way ?

mio enjoys making connections that could lead to opportunities. there's a reason he defaults to charm and platitudes with most new people, and it's because he never wants to close the door on a potential ally that could owe him a favour. it's a habit he learned from his upbringing for sure, following his father in matters of court and council only opened his eyes to the opportunities that could come his way if he just made the right impression.

i don't think i could say he actively seeks them out, but if he gets wind of connections or alliances that could prove beneficial, he will try to pursue them. i think it's probably a part of his newfound friendship with zin, in all honesty -- which i love. he does genuinely enjoy their company, i have to say, but i think seeing the feywild and seeing zin's real influence definitely had a factor in that shift for mio.

15.  the devil  :  is your muse addicted to any substances ? is there anything that could possibly make them quit ?

money??? fame???? adoration????? he would never give that up actually im sorry

i do have an idea what would be a worst-case ever scenario for mio that would absolutely derail him and send him into a spiral of insane transformation where he abandons these things but i don't want to accidentally manifest it so it's staying in my head

18.  the moon  :  what does your muse long for ? is it a realistic desire ?

THIS IS COMPLEX.

i think more and more he's seeing himself as a suitable replacement for khenum on the throne, but he's definitely viewing it in a way that's like "i'm saving him by taking his place which i was meant to do, and he can live whatever life he wants" which, yk, in itself is not a terrible concept but i do not for one second believe akhen's troubles are going to be resolved so simply, let alone khenum's.

in any case he wants to go home, and he wants 'home' to be what he remembers it being. how realistic is that? i have no idea, but mio would do anything to get it to that point. he's thinking of a future for the first time in a long time, one that extends beyond 'go home' -- it's about what he'll do there, how he'll fit in, and the duty of blood that comes with his lineage.

kveða

11.  justice  :  does your muse find it easy to be impartial in emotional situations ?

he's pretty fuelled by emotion - we joke that he should be a barbarian because nearly all of his emotions inevitably get funnelled into rage which he takes out in pitfights, bloodbaths, and various other morbid means of therapy. so he definitely finds it hard to be impartial and it's very much why he does not do the talking in the group unless it's specifically to bite somebody's head off for looking at his friend the wrong way.

21.  the world  :  is there one thing in life that your muse must accomplish ? what will they do when they complete that goal ?

not a mcfucking clue my dude he's an aimless ball of buried emotions with 398475349 axes at his disposal and the one thing keeping him going is the notion that there will be an end to it all and it will be glorious

[finaledenialist]

so in one of your asks you said you dont think cas was in love with dean since the beginning and idk its interesting to me because everyone seem to think he was from the start so what is your take on that? idk im just curious haha

ohhh I wanted to make a post about this so thanks for asking!

disclaimer: I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade I just have a different take on this whole thing!!! 

So. I see people are like: OMG he was in love ALL THIS TIME SINCE 4x01 and I am like: no. 

Was he lost since he laid his hand on Dean in hell? Yes. Was he instantly in love? Nah.

See, Cas in season 4 and 5 is starting to feel. He is conflicted, he is questioning, he doesn’t have ‘people skills’, he is confused by what he feels, he knows there is a ‘profound bond’ between him and Dean and he is rebelling for Dean, because Dean has a point and Cas feels Dean is right and apocalypse and destruction are wrong, and this human is so human and he never had that connection before. Add the sexual innuendos, the eye fucking and the tension between those two and this is what i call ‘classic destiel’. I do have a strong feeling this is partly Jensen’s and Misha’s fault though haha but I am also convinced that the jokes like ‘Cas, get out of my ass!’/’Blow me Cas’ are purely for ‘comedic purposes’ because haha gay so funny (keep in mind it’s still 2008/2009 and things were so different then BUT we still got Endverse which had not only sexual stuff implied but romantic as well - ‘all we have left, Dean and I, is each other, if Dean says it’s time to go in a blaze of glory, so be it’ (I am writing this from memory so these might not have been exact lines but you know what I am talking about).

And then in season 6 and 7 is where things start to get romantic. ‘I watched you rake leaves’, Dean’s blind faith that no, Cas can’t be working with Crowley behind their backs because come on it’s Cas and the whole 6x20 episode is *chief’s kiss* and then season 7 and Cas dies to make things right and Dean keeps his trenchcoat and moves it from every car they have been using that season to always have it with him because part of me always believed you’d come back. OK, but I was meant to be talking mostly about Cas’ point of view. Which takes me back to 7x23 and I’d rather have you, cursed or not. I think these words had a major impact on Cas. Something just clicked. Because he realized that he could say these exact same words to Dean and they still would be true. 

And then we got season 8 which was a major shift and it really moved stuff from ‘sexual tension’ to ‘romantic tension’ and it’s still called ‘season fanfiction’ because I wanted to keep them away from you in purgatory and Cas generally not feeling worthy of anything but I think this is when he started to realize that what he feels is not like ‘brotherly friendship’ but something much deeper but he had his issues (I don’t deserve to be saved from purgatory thing) so he kind of kept it buried. But this was when the Real Love really started. But did he admit it to himself? Well I am not in Cas’ head but something must have been on his mind - Naomi had access too his mind and she immediately recognized that there is a certain Feeling that is dangerous and Cas needs to be fucking lobotomized (I still have shivers thinking about it). Did Naomi knew it was love? Idk, but she felt something was going on - that is why she tried to mess things up between Dean and Cas (I only wish he felt the same way ouch my heart....) and Metatron also recognized it, quicker and better (maybe because he spent much more time on earth and was generally a little more powerful and knowing as the scribe of God) and he immediately used Cas’ grace to banish angels from heaven because Cas was feeling love for a human. But did he, himself recognized it as love? Did he admit it to himself? I still have a feeling that no. I still think that his ‘I don’t know’ after Dean’s ‘What broke the connection?’ was honest.

Now let me fast forward to season 12, because this post is getting too long already and while seasons 9-11 had some good episodes and even good destiel scenes I feel this was the time many people - rightly so - were starting to lose faith in canon destiel, starting with Dean not letting Cas stay in the bunker in season 9 and bros acting like they only call Cas when they need him. I repeat - there were still some good episodes, even great ones. And we were shown Cas worried about Dean and being there for him anytime Dean called, there was so much pining but once again let me raise The Question: did Cas know what he was feeling was love? Or was he still confused, not letting himself believe, not being able to name his own feelings and emotions? And this is merely my opinion but this is also time where many people started to be bitter and negative by how writers treated Cas (and other characters in general but I am not gonna dive into that dumpster now, especially the Cas-having-sex-with-a-reaper thing which was awful, but in retrospect is even more awful because if it was Chuck’s writing this seems like some kind of sick attempt to do a conversion therapy and I want to throw up; plus he thought? he was into his boss at gas’n’sip and he thought she was into him and what even was it if not a. bad writing; b. Cas being confused; c. Cas being confused about this bad writing).

So season 12. First of all 12x12, when Cas thought he is gonna die and the infamous line ‘I love you. I love all of you’ happened. I  am 100% sure this is when Cas realized. This must have prompted questions for him. Why did I say what I said? He blurted those words out but why like that? Aaaand after some thinking I think he realized why. He must’ve been like ‘oooops’. But then Jack was about to be born and he had to protect Kelly and then he died.

And then he is in the Empty who says - I know who you love, I know what you fear, there is nothing for you out there. She doesn’t know shit, she just has access to Cas’ mind and apparently those were his thoughts, already at that time, he thought there was nothing for him out there (again, his depression issues) BUT THEN CAS, MY SWEET CAS, THIS BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER says fuck you Empty in one of his best monologues (before 15x18 I’d say it was his best but here we are) and she yeets him out, because HE decided HE is already saved and he doesn’t need a permission and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity. 

And then Jack dies and he takes the humiliating deal.  And now we’re at 15x18 and he says: ‘I have always wondered.... ever since I took that burden.... What my true happiness can even look like... Because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have’. SEE THESE WORDS HERE ARE WHY I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT. BECAUSE THEY IMPLY at least to me THAT:

1. He was aware of his feelings, he knew what he felt was love at the time he took the deal. and after that he was like ‘I guess I am immortal now’ because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have so nothing else is going to make him truly happy; this also implies that there is only one thing he truly wants and the rest is just not that important, whatever else happens won’t make him happy which is heartbreaking;

2. He knew what he wanted, so this means that at some point he wondered, he imagined, he took his time to picture the ‘thing’ he wanted. Which is life with Dean. Because he is in love. LIKE HE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, HE REALLY DID AND HE CONCLUDED THAT THIS IS OUT OF HIS REACH (now people argue if that is because he thinks it’s unrequited or because he thinks that something something hunter life-fighting all the time-no attachments lifestyle won’t allow them to have this sort of life - and frankly, knowing that he learned everything, or almost everything about emotions from Dean, who isn’t really good at them, I am not surprised if he is sure that this feeling is one-sided, because maybe he conquered his fears in the Empty the first time around but taking the deal must have made him anxious and Chuck still calls him self-hating so he probably thinks this is one-sided and he is unworthy of love anyway);

3. He tried to imagine different scenarios that would make him happy but eventually it all came down to That One True Scenario, out of his reach, that couldn’t compare with anything else, and he tells Jack - you know about that deal, it’s ok, I don’t see myself becoming happy anytime soon AND IT HURTSSS

so to conclude and tl;dr - I think Cas realized that what he was feeling was love after 12x12 although he felt it before but might have been confused by it. I do not think he was ~in love~ since 4x01. There was tension and there was pining but no. This feeling evolved, it didn’t *just* happen in the barn. 

also i am so sorry this took so long but i have thoughts and feelings and can’t form a coherent sentence since november 5th anyway thanks for asking nonny, ily!!!!