#through my window screencaps

[neverscreens]

— A TRAVÉS DE TU MIRADA.

Part One, 489 Screencaps.

Part Two, 489 Screencaps.

Find the trilogy here. Like or reblog if it was useful, every interaction shows us that we should keep making screencaps for y'all ♡

[hallasimss]

snow in the del sol valley

[softgrungeprophet]

ngl

i'm thinking about it

[marie-m-art]

Good Animated Omens - Behind the Scenes

Here's a behind-the-scenes look at the walk cycles I animated of Aziraphale and Crowley (original post here).

I'll reiterate that the character designs are @lookitsstevie's creation! I made builds in Toonboom Harmony based on their designs, and then animated the builds.

Long post under the cut, organized into four parts. Feel free to jump around or just click through the images and gifs to get an idea of the gist. (At least take a look at Part IV, where you'll see a version of Aziraphale without his jacket and a closeup of Crowley's torso!)

Hopefully this is interesting even if you don't know the first thing about animation. It's not a step-by-step-from-scratch tutorial, but it might give animators some ideas to think about when trying this software!

I'm happy to answer questions about what I cover here - comments, DM's, or ask-box questions are all fine by me. If you like any of the new gifs and want to reblog it on its own, I can make new posts for those upon request! (I'd prefer you don't reupload them, but if you do please at least credit me with a tag to my account - thank you!!)

Part I: The interface and some basics

Above is a screencap of the software interface.

In the centre is the Camera window, where all the drawing and animating is done. 

To the left, the Node View. It's a representation of how the pieces and layers that make the characters are grouped and connected to each other, which is what makes a character "build". Every piece in this window is called a node, and there are different types. Light blue "drawing nodes" contain the drawings themselves. Each drawing node usually has a green "peg" attached; the peg is used to move and rotate the drawing piece; you set a pivot point on each peg. Light grey nodes are groups that have more nodes within, and dark blue nodes are added effects (eg masks, the blur for the halo, etc).

Below, the Timeline - it's where keyframes are set and tweened. The red square dots indicate there is a new keyframe on a particular frame; the white dots indicate keyframes are on layers nested somewhere under the topmost visible layer. All the pieces of the characters can be found in the timeline and correspond to the pieces that exist in the Node View (and Camera). Typically you work with a collapsed view of the build layers in the timeline, which allows you to set keyframes on multiple layers at once.

To the right, a few tabs in this window - Tool Properties, Colour Palettes, and, shown on top here, the Library. The library is where you store your builds, so that you can bring in a fresh copy when animating a new scene. This library tab also has the Drawing Substitution window, which shows thumbnails of every drawing contained in a drawing node when that node is selected.

A second of animation is 24 frames long. Finished animation will often have keyframes on every second frame with the tweens removed, to help simulate the look and feel of traditional animation - this is known as animating "on twos", and saved time, money and paper in the old days. If you leave the tweens on, and/or have keyframes on every frame, the animation is "on ones".

My walks are on twos - it's the look I prefer.

When I say "tween" I'm specifically referring to the software feature that will automatically calculate and interpolate the path between two different poses/keys of a peg. An inbetween could be the result of using a tween, a new drawing, or both. On twos, an inbetween will look the same as any other keyframe on the timeline when you're finished - its relevance as a concept is during the process, not the end result.

Quality animation is achieved via a combination of moving/tweening pre-existing drawings using their pegs, and adding new drawings as hand-drawn inbetweens when needed. Toonboom Harmony also has nodes called "deformers": they offer a way to tween the shape of a drawing without needing to redraw inside the drawing node. (Part IV has the explanation for which pieces I used them for, and why.)

Part II: Navigating the builds

This is what their default poses with no animation look like.

Animation using builds is sometimes colloquially referred to as "puppet-style animation" because the way you can connect body parts to each other feels like making and handling a 2D digital puppet: you can connect a hand to a forearm so that they can move as a unit, and you can connect that unit to an upper arm to move the whole arm as a unit, and that arm gets connected to the torso, and so on.

When you want to connect two pieces, like a hand to a forearm, then you create another peg in the Node View and attach the two body parts together under that new peg. The screencaps below show the nodes that make up Aziraphale's and Crowley's entire builds inside their respective groups:

Things got a bit sloppy ... It looks extremely complicated, but once it's set up, you don't have to think about it too much when you're animating!

And I've zoomed in on the nodes that make their arms so you can see how there are pegs on top of pegs (all the green nodes), with wires connecting everything:

As I explained in Part I, new drawings are added and contained within a body part's drawing node (the light blue ones under the green ones), and the Drawing Substitution window is where you can see all the drawings that exist in a particular node. In the timeline, you set keyframes for moving the pegs, and you also choose which frame the new drawings will appear when applicable. You might have a lot of drawings stored in the nodes, but only what you set to appear in the timeline will be visible in the final animation.

You can select a body part in the camera view, and then find the corresponding layer in the Timeline or the Node View by pressing the "o" keyboard shortcut. If you select a body part by clicking on it, and then press the "b" keyboard shortcut, you will jump up to the next peg it's connected to. You can hide and unhide pieces using "d" and "a" respectively.

In the first capture above, I'm showing that the arm pieces can be moved separately or together, and you can see how the pegs in the Node View light up when I select them in the Camera window (hiding them turns them red). In the second capture, I pop down to the timeline to step back and forth between the poses - the light grey row (it appears between the rows of red dots) represents the hand's drawing node in the timeline.

Part III: Summary of animation process

In my head I imagined how their walks would differ from each other - Aziraphale bouncier but with very straight posture and limited arm movement, vs Crowley slinking and swaggering all over.

I also knew that I wanted the animation to look good for both a walking-on-the-spot version, and as a version walking across the screen (both versions are at the top of the post!).

Then I started doing some rough animation.

I set aside my finished builds for the roughs. For each character, I made a few drawing nodes and two pegs; a peg for the up-and-down upper body motion, which I tweened, and a peg for moving them across the screen. The legs and arms are drawing substitutions.

With these extremely rudimentary rough "builds", I worked out - how many frames long the walks would be, - how far the characters would move across the screen each step, - how much the upper bodies would move up and down, and - the key drawings of the legs and feet.

I didn't worry about animating clothing, hair, or Azi's arms in the rough stage. For those elements, the drawings would be spaced really close together and would be easier to figure out with tweens. (Note: this rudimentary setup would be sufficient if you want to clean up and inbetween characters by hand frame-by-frame instead of making full builds; my preference is build animation because the process is more fun for me)

Then I started working with the finished builds, using the roughs as a guide, and established the broadest motions first: the up-and-down motion in the upper bodies (I set a keyframe at the lowest point, a keyframe at the highest point, then tweened between them) and how far they'd travel across the screen. Then the feet were done.

I went back and forth between viewing them walking on the spot and walking across the screen to make sure that both versions worked. I also made sure they crossed the same amount of ground relative to each other.

After those crucial parts, I moved on to animating their arms, hair, torsos, clothing details, and finishing the legs, not necessarily in that order. I simulated twisting/rotating their torsos in 3d space by moving their waistcoats and lapels.

The first gif switches back and forth between versions (imagine a background scrolling by when they walk on the spot). The second gif is an example of bad "footslip" - they're moving at different speeds, and if you pay attention to their feet, Aziraphale appears to slip on ice while Crowley appears to slide forward on skates.

"You go too fast for me, Crowley!"

Part IV: Extras and details

Here is a version of Aziraphale's walk without his jacket, and a closeup of Crowley so you can see his swaying hips better:

One of the cool things about animating with builds is they lend themselves well to small modifications; the jacketless version took all of five minutes to make.

I'd be remiss not to include a close-up of Aziraphale's hair, the real star of the animation :) (Crowley's hair is also animated but I purposefully kept it understated since it's a much different texture.) And a closeup image of Crowley's snake tattoo:

The biggest unit for both of them are their upper bodies, which includes their pelvises. The up-and-down motion is only on one peg instead of on every single piece, which is handy because it means I can hide just that part of the animation when I want to work on the clothing details:

During the process of animation, I am often hiding then unhiding pieces like this so I can see what I'm doing.

Their clothing ended up being a lot of separate pieces, which I kept adding during animation rather than before, as it was hard to predict everything I needed. Their clothing also incorporates cutters (aka masks), and deformers (see explanation in Part I). In the next set of gifs the deformers show up as green outlines with handles and get turned on and off.

Aziraphale's torso functions as a mask for his clothing. The shape of his torso subtly changes via deformer. His lapels and waistcoat have V shapes that are masks/cutters (they cut a V shape out of those pieces); the same pieces that make the cutters also are used for the black lines of those V shapes via a special layering setup. The main shapes of his lapels are animated with deformers, and you can see how far beyond his torso shape they extend when I turn on the deformers in the second gif.

Deformers work best for shapes that change a little bit, and/or slowly. The minor shape changes in his and Crowley's clothes ended up being a great use case for deformers, because they pretty much tweened perfectly.

The reason I didn't use them on Aziraphale's legs was because those shapes change significantly between keys; I predicted I'd have to re-adjust every frame of a tweened deformer, so I drew the inbetweens by hand (halfway through, I realized I probably should have used them after all, but I was in too deep by then; hand drawing was fun though!). Deformers worked well on his bottom jacket:

Crowley's pelvis is layered above and below his thigh pieces and has a deformer. Also take a look at all the drawing substitutions for his hands:

And lastly the deformers on the hair:

Epilogue

I'm hoping the gifs all play at the same speed for everyone as they play for me. Hopefully the demo gifs are at least watchable, if not super clear... (I'll listen to feedback on the presentation of the information, for if I do similar posts in future!) Don't hesitate to ask questions about anything I covered, or about any details you noticed that I didn't elaborate on!

ko-fi.com/marieanimate

I'm shy about mentioning it, but I set up a Ko-fi account in case this post compels anyone to leave a small "tip" (but reblogging and sharing is just as good)!

Thanks for reading, and have a nice day!

[sinful-mind-joyful-thoughts]

𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞𝟑𝟔𝟎 | 2

part 1 - Tinder

screencaps and gifs: Pinterest

Pairing: dark!Joel Miller x Fem!reader

Warnings/tags: MDNI 18+, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, NON CON, DUB CON, Drinking, food, flirting, DRUGGING, KIDNAPPING, talks of true crime, Degradation, Praise, Humiliation, fear, panic, anxiety, spiting, oral M, cum play, Blowjob, throat fucking, threats, Physical Violence, Bondage (rope), THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTENT YOU CONSUME

Summary: A Tinder date goes very, very wrong, but you always consider yourself prepared for such situations. or so you think

WC: 2.8K

For notifications follow - @sinful-mind-joyful-fics

A/n: I tried to step out of my comfort zone a little with this. It's based on a post I saw while doom-scrolling on this app from @blondwhowrites. She had this amazing post about wanting to see more readers who fight and don't stop. They don't lose hope, they go into survival mode, and I just hope I do this idea somewhat justice. AND IT GETS JUICY in this part....

The pounding in your head was relentless, each beat echoing like a drum inside your skull. As your vision slowly cleared, the dim light seared your eyes, intensifying the headache. You lay on a small, dirty mattress, the only things in sight were two small windows letting in weak slivers of daylight, a door, and a set of stairs leading down. You were still in your dress and heels from the night before, the fabric now wrinkled and uncomfortable against your skin.

Panic surged through you, your mind racing. You forced yourself to breathe, reminding yourself that you knew how to handle this. Jess had your location; if you were missing for more than a day, she would report it.

“Stay calm,” you whispered to yourself, your voice trembling. 

You took a deep breath, focusing on the small details around you. The room was sparse, but there had to be something you could use. You scanned the area methodically, trying to ignore the fear clawing at your throat.

Your phone. You needed your phone. You patted your dress, but there were no pockets. Joel must have taken it. You closed your eyes, fighting the wave of despair. Jess had your location. She’d check Life360 and see something was wrong.

“Think,” you told yourself, trying to stay rational. Joel had been careful, but he must have made a mistake. You just had to find it.

You stood up slowly, your head spinning slightly as you did. The tightness of your dress and the ache in your feet from the heels added to your discomfort. You staggered to the door, pressing your ear against the wood. Silence. You tried the handle, but it was locked.

The stairs then. You moved cautiously, your heels making faint clicking sounds on the cold floor. You reached the top of the stairs, glancing down. The faint light from below suggested another room, but you had no idea what awaited you.

Taking another deep breath, you started to descend. Each step felt like an eternity, the fear of making noise almost paralyzing you. When you reached the bottom, you paused, listening. Nothing. You tried the handle, but it was locked. Frustration bubbled up, but you pushed it down. You couldn’t afford to lose control.

Returning to the main room, you approached the other door. You turned the handle cautiously and pushed it open, revealing a small bathroom. It was just as dingy as the main room, with cracked tiles and a grimy mirror. There was nothing here that could help you escape.

Desperation creeping in, you began searching the shelves and every nook and cranny. Dusty and neglected, they offered little hope. Finally, on one of the shelves, you found an old can of beans. It wasn’t much, but it was something. You hid it carefully in the folds of the mattress, just in case.

“Okay,” you muttered to yourself, trying to stay calm. “Think. What next?”

Your mind raced as you reviewed everything you knew about the room. The small windows were too high and narrow to climb through. The locked door at the top of the stairs was your best bet, but you needed a way to get through it.

You took another deep breath, forcing yourself to stay calm. Jess had your location. She would check in on you. You had to hold on to that hope.

Footsteps echoed from below, growing louder. Joel was coming. You quickly lay back down on the mattress, feigning unconsciousness, your heart pounding.

The door creaked open, and Joel’s shadow fell over you. You kept your breathing steady, hoping he wouldn’t notice the slight tremor in your hands.

“Just checking on you,” he murmured, his voice soft. “We’ll talk more when you wake up.”

You heard the door close, and his footsteps recede. You opened your eyes, staring up at the ceiling. You had to find a way out. Jess was counting on you. You were counting on you.

“Stay strong,” you whispered to yourself. “Stay smart.”

Hours passed as you combed through every inch of the small room, searching for any flaw, any potential escape route. The old can of beans hidden in the folds of the mattress was your only find. It was growing darker, and your hope felt as dim as the room around you. The sting of despair lingered, but you fought it off, knowing you had to stay strong.

The only light came from the windows, now dark with the encroaching night. You noticed a string hanging from the ceiling, where a light bulb should have been. It dangled uselessly, a stark reminder of your isolation.

The silence was interrupted by the sound of footsteps below. Joel was coming back. You quickly resumed your position on the mattress, trying to appear exhausted and disoriented. The door creaked open, and Joel entered, carrying a tray of food.

“Thought you might be hungry,” he said, setting the tray down on a small table.

You forced a weak smile, sitting up slowly. “Thanks.”

Joel watched you with an unsettling intensity as you picked at the food. You needed to keep him talking, to gather more information. “Joel, why are you doing this?”

He smiled, a chillingly calm expression. “I just want us to get to know each other better. Away from all the distractions.”

“By locking me up?” you challenged, your voice trembling.

“You’ll understand in time,” he said, ignoring your question. “Are you feeling better?”

You nodded, though your mind was racing. “I’m just a bit dizzy still.”

“Good,” he replied, his eyes never leaving yours. “Get some rest. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

As he turned to leave, you mustered the courage to ask, “What if I need something? There’s no light in here.”

Joel paused, glancing at the dangling string. “I’ll see what I can do about that.”

The door closed behind him, and you were alone again. You waited, listening to his footsteps fade away before you sprang into action. You grabbed the can of beans from its hiding spot and approached the string. It was a flimsy hope, but perhaps it could be used in some way.

The night stretched on, each minute feeling like an hour. But you remained vigilant, your true crime instincts sharpening with every passing moment. You would find a way out. You had to.

Eventually, exhaustion overpowered your fear. Clutching the can of beans tightly, you lay down on the mattress, forcing yourself to rest. Your eyes grew heavy, and despite your best efforts, sleep claimed you.

You awoke to the feeling of hands on your wrists. Panic shot through you as you realized Joel was there, his grip firm and unyielding. You tried to pull away, but your limbs felt sluggish, uncooperative.

"Shh," Joel murmured, his voice unsettlingly calm. "Just a precaution."

You glanced around frantically, your heart racing. Joel was binding your wrists together with a length of rope. The realization hit you like a cold wave: you were trapped, and he was making sure you couldn’t escape.

“What are you doing?” you demanded, your voice shaking.

“Making sure you don’t hurt yourself,” Joel replied, his tone eerily soothing. “You seemed restless in your sleep.”

“I won’t try anything,” you pleaded, struggling against the bonds. “Just let me go.”

Joel’s eyes met yours, and you saw a flicker of something dark in his gaze. “I can’t do that. Not yet.”

You fought harder, but Joel’s grip was strong. He finished tying your wrists and then moved to your ankles, securing them with the same methodical care. Fear bubbled up inside you, threatening to spill over.

“Please, Joel,” you begged, your voice breaking. “You don’t have to do this.”

Joel stepped inside, holding a light bulb in his hand. He dangled it in front of you, a cruel smile playing on his lips. “I brought you something,” he said, his voice dripping with mock kindness. “But you’ll have to earn it.”

You glared at him, your anger simmering beneath the surface. “What do you want from me?”

Joel knelt down beside you, his gaze intense. “I want your cooperation,” he said softly. “You need to show me that I can trust you. That you’re willing to play by my rules.”

“What rules?” you demanded, your voice trembling with a mixture of fear and defiance.

He leaned closer, his face inches from yours. “Simple ones. Behave. Don’t try to escape. And, most importantly, tell me everything I want to know.”

Your heart pounded in your chest as you realized what he was asking. He wanted information—about you, your life, your vulnerabilities. He wanted control.

“Why should I trust you?” you spat, trying to keep your voice steady.

Joel’s smile widened. “Because if you don’t, things will get much worse for you. But if you cooperate, I’ll make sure you’re comfortable. Like giving you this light bulb, for example.”

You swallowed hard, the enormity of your situation crashing down on you. You had to play along, at least for now. You had to buy yourself time.

“Okay,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. “What do you want to know?”

“It’s not what I want to know per se, it’s what I want you to do in this moment,” Joel said, his voice chillingly calm.

You stared at him, fear and defiance battling for control. “What do you mean?”

Joel’s smile widened, and he reached out to brush a strand of hair from your face. His touch was gentle, almost tender, but it sent a shiver of revulsion down your spine. “I want you to relax,” he said, his fingers trailing down to play with the ends of your hair. “I want you to be... cooperative.”

You jerked your head away, trying to pull back from his touch. “Get away from me,” you spat, your voice trembling with anger and fear.

Joel’s grip tightened, and he yanked you closer, his eyes darkening. “You don’t have a choice,” he hissed, his voice low and menacing. “It’s this or death. Do you understand?”

Your heart pounded in your chest, terror flooding your veins. You struggled against him, but his strength was overwhelming. “I won’t do anything for you,” you said, your voice barely more than a whisper.

Joel’s expression hardened, and he pushed you back onto the mattress, pinning you down with a frightening ease. “You will,” he said, his face inches from yours. “You will, or I will make your life a living hell. Do you understand me?”

You fought back, trying to twist away from him, but he held you fast. Panic surged through you, and you bit back a scream. “Please, don’t do this,” you pleaded, tears welling in your eyes. “Just let me go.”

Joel’s grip tightened, and he leaned in closer, his breath hot against your face. “You have no idea how much worse things can get,” he whispered, his tone icy. “You will do what I say, or you will suffer.”

Tears streamed down your face as you realized the hopelessness of your situation. You were trapped, and there was no way out. Jess had your location, but would it be enough? Would she find you in time?

Joel released you slightly, still keeping a firm grip on your wrists. “Now,” he said, his voice softer but no less menacing, “are you going to be a good girl and cooperate, or do I need to show you what happens when you disobey?”

You swallowed hard, the weight of his threat crushing your spirit. “Okay,” you whispered, your voice breaking. “I’ll cooperate.”

Joel’s smile returned, and he released your wrists and undid the binding, sitting back on his heels. “Good,” he said, his tone almost cheerful. “That’s a good start. Now, let’s get you a bit more comfortable.”

He stood up and walked to the door, leaving you trembling on the mattress. You watched him, your mind racing with thoughts of escape, but the reality of your situation kept you paralyzed with fear.

Joel returned a moment later, holding the light bulb. He approached the dangling string and screwed the bulb into the socket. The room was suddenly bathed in harsh light, revealing the true extent of its dinginess.

“There,” Joel said, turning to face you. “That’s better, isn’t it?” He walked over to you, his presence looming ominously. “Now say thank you or I’ll leave you in the dark with the mice.”

You stayed on the mattress, savoring the small distance between you. “Thank-” Joel cut you off.

“No, no. Thank me properly,” he said, a sick grin spreading across his face. You wanted to smack it off, to fight back, but you knew it would only make things worse. “Crawl to me,” he commanded.

The words made your cheeks flush with humiliation. Your mind raced. If you wanted to escape, you needed to gain his trust. But was his trust worth your dignity? You hesitated, the internal conflict paralyzing you.

Joel's grin faded slightly, his eyes narrowing. “Do it,” he growled, a dangerous edge to his voice. “Or I’ll make sure you regret it.”

You took a deep breath, forcing down the surge of anger and humiliation. “I can’t crawl with my legs bound,” you said, your voice dripping with sarcasm. “Unless you want me to flop around like a fish.”

Joel’s eyes flashed with annoyance, but he knelt down and untied your ankles. “There,” he said, standing back up. “Now, crawl.”

Tears pricked your eyes as you slowly shifted onto your hands and knees. The dirty floor scraped against your skin, and every inch you moved felt like a mile. You could feel Joel’s gaze burning into you, his satisfaction palpable.

You reached him, your head bowed, heart pounding in your chest. “Thank you,” you whispered, your voice barely audible.

Joel chuckled, a dark, humorless sound. “Good girl,” he said, reaching down to stroke your hair. You flinched at his touch, but forced yourself to stay still. “See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

You bit back the bile rising in your throat, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing you break down. “What do you want from me?” you asked, your voice shaking.

Joel moved his hands to his belt, his eyes darkening with sinister intent. "I think you know what I want you and those pretty little lips to do," he whispered, his hand caressing your face. He finished unbuckling his belt, and as his pants fell to the floor with a thud, you flinched involuntarily. "Pull down my boxers," he ordered, taunting you as if you were a child.

You swallowed your pride, your mind racing with strategies to fight back. As you lowered his boxers, he taunted you further, waving his length near your face. Instinctively, you reached out with your hand, but he grabbed your hair roughly, yanking your head back. "I didn’t ask for your hands," he spat, his voice laced with venom. "I asked you to suck my dick."

Before you could react, he spat on you, his warm saliva trickling down your face. You opened your mouth to protest, but he shoved his length into your mouth forcefully, leaving you no time to prepare. The size of him stretched your mouth painfully, making you feel as if you might rip apart.

"This can’t be over soon enough," you thought, struggling against the overwhelming violation. But to your horror, you felt a strange sensation growing between your legs. His cock was hard, the taste of his precum salty on your tongue.

“Look at me,” he demanded. You resisted, focusing instead on his messy brown hair. You felt a wave of disgust at yourself for even noticing such a detail. This wasn’t the man you met on Tinder; this was a psychopath.

He gripped your head with both hands, forcing himself deeper into your throat. "That's it," he groaned, thrusting shallowly. The sound of your gagging and choking filled the room. "I don’t care if you fucking choke to death. Your throat feels like heaven."

As he continued, your mind raced for a plan. You took breaths through your nose, waiting for the perfect moment to make him pay for his actions. Just as you prepared to bite down, he thrust deeply one last time, and you felt a hot, steamy rope of his cum hit the back of your throat, its salty taste overwhelming.

Joel roughly pushed you away, pulling up his pants as you fell back, coughing and choking, your throat raw and dry. He walked over, fixing his belt. “See, it wasn’t that hard now, was it?” he sneered.

Before you could respond, he left the room, the only comfort in the dark basement now the solitary light bulb. You lay there, trembling with rage and humiliation, vowing silently that you would find a way to escape and make him pay for every moment of torment.

[privateolives]

This moment from my playthrough keeps coming up with friends, so why don't I share the time I accidentally did Aymeric so dirty with my outfit choice for the dinner scene.

So for those of you not aware, my WoL is supposed to be a sweet Thanalan country boy type. Think desert Clark Kent-vibes man but from the burning cliffsides of Thanalan instead of Kansas. And I play a paladin besides, so of course my mildmannered Lambard went through most of Heavensward looking like this:

Covered head beard to toe in steel.

But of course, when Aymeric finally invites you do dinner, that won't do. Showing up in armor would just be impolite! So I pull my ff14 bestie in for an emergency glam sesh trying to figure out what a traditional thanalan lad might wear to a fancy occasion. We end up putting this together, which I was quite pleased with!

Straight Oughtta Ul'dah looking outfit. Looks good right? It's fancy! It's traditional! It's in-character! It's just perfect.

Bit chilly for the road there, so we figure he would have used the supplied Ishgardian coat on the way there. (I didn't get a screencap of that in time sorry)

So I slam the glam on just before the cutscene and go in happily unaware of what I'm about to do to this poor catholic boy and he greets us in a similar coat to what we got... as indoor wear. Which really should have been our first warning of what was to come.

Anyway, we come in and if you, unlike myself, are a nice, observant allosexual, you might already spot the problem.

Because as it turns out, Lambard's beautiful Ul'dahn coat has one major issue when being sat at this type of dinner table.

That being that between the coat and the table, there is now a perfectly triangular window towards the BIGGEST, FATTEST pair of sword-swinging steel-carrying hobby-mining sun-kissed pair of tits to ever grace the frozen lands of Ishgard.

Keep in mind that our poor Aymeric hasn't been lord speaker for long at this point, he's yet to leave Coerthas completely (as far as we know) on any diplomatic missions. He was recently still the knight-commander, polite son of the Pope, from the isolated lands of French Warrior Catholicism, who's grown up and only ever seen tall spindly Elezen people, wearing 50 layers in -oof° degrees celsius weather all day every day every month whole year.

EDIT: It had, in fact, only been 5 years of -WillToLive° outside, thank you @maeljade

And now he's sitting at a private dinner, doomed to look at THIS

for several hours whilst his elderly butler, last remnants of family he has, hovers about the whole time serving that appears to be unseemly amounts of wine

And I took

SEVERAL

HOURS

after the cutscene to realize what I'd done to this poor man.

... Though in my defence, my ace ass was busy laughing my head off at the reaction they give your WoL to the butler mixing you a cocktail.

[findmeinthefallair]

Hunter's Experiences After Belos's Death

Oops, this got long. Aw well, it was really fun to write.

Special thanks to @ashanimus!

This is speculative at the end of the day, but since:

1. This is my fave animated show of all time

2. I grew up with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) like Hunter

3. I work as a therapist,

I thought to list down some things I can visualize happening in the duration of the finale's timeskip, before that beautiful epilogue we saw. And I want to dive in using whatever clues, leads and parallels I can find in canon: to analyze and see how he went from the Bad But Sad Boy to that peaceful-looking palisman carver in the epilogue.

A small reference I had for this meta is Cinema Therapy's episode on the Hunger Games movies (link), since the protagonist, Katniss Everdeen, from the book and also movie trilogy would have the same diagnosis as Hunter. Those books and movies explored how Katniss coped with the frightening and dramatically different landscape that was the calmness of her world post-victory.

Part 1: His Possible Experiences Leading Up to Seeking a Therapist

His disposition could possibly become like Luz's from early Season 3: a state of emotionally shutting down and numbing out. He appeared to nearly head in this direction right after he was revived by Flapjack, as he began to cry. There was that small window where he could have expressed more tears than he did, and have his body shut down under the weight of bereavement.

But the immediate physical threat, Belos, was still on the run. He got up, sprang into action and didn't catch a break from the time he followed Belos through the portal until he stood in The Collector's palace after Belos died (had he even received the news of his 'Uncle' dying yet??!).

Now that Belos isn't around anymore, the Isles will have a completely different feel and rebuilding the land would've taken grueling work after the dismantling of a damaging Coven System.

I was looking at Luz's behavior and gestures in Thanks to Them, which were indicative of her sinking into depression after 1. the horrible revelation in Hollow Mind that she unintentionally helped Philip. 2. witnessing Flapjack's death. I'm putting screenshots of her below in parallel with Hunter's own emotions in For the Future:

They have different mental health conditions if you talk symptoms, e.g. Luz doesn't show signs of CPTSD hypervigilance, while Hunter doesn't have that slowing down in his physical and mental activity which points to depression. But both have suffered from moral injury thanks to Belos's violence and manipulation.

However, a major comparison is that Hunter has had much more repressed emotion over a long period compared to Luz. The column with Hunter screencaps above, is what he may feel with a much higher intensity in the weeks and months after he first hears that his abuser has passed on.

Shown below, the few seconds of Hunter's big smile drooping when it was all over, was a big hint for me:

A hint that there is a deep undercurrent of emotions he'd much rather not feel, that he'd probably rather hide from himself. Even while smiling, we know how his heart-wrenching story has played out and the light in his eyes here doesn't match the brightness we see in his expressions in the epilogue, post-timeskip.

That is the face of a kid who has not cried out massive amounts of tears yet. He doesn't look like he's carrying a light load yet, compared to what we see in his future self. And it's certainly a heavier smile than the jollier one he makes here right after King's Tide when Flapjack was still around:

I can't imagine the amount of grief that his body has yet to dredge up and release, once he finally doesn't have to worry about his 'uncle' threatening his life anymore. Too many times to count, I've been in the situation where I cry intensely after being retraumatized and think "Huh? More tears? Where did it come from?? I thought I had cried it all out from my whole being the last time!". It kind of convinced me that anyone with CPTSD has so much grief stored up in their body that the number of times needed to have a good cry feels like a really endless expanse.

However: because I had 7 years of being in and out of therapy, what matters is that the durations between these episodes of mine, the durations of the episodes themselves, plus their intensity have reduced a lot. It was around a 4-year timeskip in the finale, so for Hunter to get as far as he did to heal, his own therapy sessions would've probably been rigorous and very consistent.

Anyway, he might now cycle through his own version of what Luz cycled through when she gradually shuts down from failing to build a new portal door in Thanks to Them, continually believes she's as bad as Belos, and when she alludes to her suicidal ideation in the classroom:

whereby there is a likely parallel between Luz wrestling with guilt from her own moral injury, and Hunter's own guilt from what he wished he could've done to prevent being possessed, to prevent Flapjack from dying. Both their situations are that of moral injuries.

The adrenaline rush would be over for everyone on the Isles.

I'm quite sure the therapists on the Isles will operate pretty soon after the news about Belos's death was out. They would conduct whatever version of mental health triage they have, that involves risk assessments and crisis counselling. Both of these based on what I've learnt are shorter in duration (30 minutes) and are one-off sessions, compared to regular talk therapy which is an hour minimum.

The therapists would be redirecting people to necessary resources e.g. where to find food or loved ones, and managing distress only related to people's immediate needs instead of forming a longer term plan for several weekly sessions.

I believe things are simpler when you are running away from an external threat, like the two Hunter scenarios below. In Hollow Mind there is no emotion on his face because in peak C-PTSD mode he has shut down his emotions to pour that energy into escaping Belos. In Thanks to Them, he appears quite obviously scared with widened eyes because he got comfortable with safety for months and Belos's return was a surprise attack (thanks ashanimus for pointing out to me how his expressions are animated!):

But what is there to run from now? Not an external threat for sure. The war zone is now the one in his mind, heart and soul and it would become front and center. I believe both these screenshots are two notches on a dial, and the missing third image - which would show him finding it difficult to stuff down the grief any longer, might look like a more exasperated version of when he told Willow "Please don't call yourself [a Half-a-Witch] ever again" in For the Future, and eventually a more depressed version of his vanishing smile in The Collector's Palace.

When can he really run from himself? Only while asleep, if he's spared nightmares on any given night, or while distracting himself with the main mission of rebuilding the Isles or continuing to bond with his friends and other people.

His anger in For the Future was a telling sign for me that he made sure his focus was still on an external threat: he still had the opportunity to do so back then, because Belos was still alive. But when we see him in The Collector's palace sending Willow off to her dads, there has realistically been a shift in what will threaten the more fragile shreds of inner peace he's still clinging on to. There are those scary trauma-related emotions to worry about, which wouldn't have just evaporated into thin air. They would be looking for a new outlet, and they'll find their way into flashbacks, nightmares, tension still stored in the body, an exaggerated startle response, etc.

We have seen a range of reactions he has to danger, triggers and emotional pain: some involve moving his body more, and fewer involve a short of shutting down:

Flinching during Belos's tantrums, being able to fight Kikimora calmly, freezing up in the throne room (Hunting Palismen)

Suicidal ideation and even a sort of suicide plan (Eclipse Lake)

Freezing up and expecting punishment from Darius (Any Sport in a Storm)

Being able to stay almost entirely calm as he learnt more and more of the truth about Belos, though his hand was shaking briefly, then a panic attack later on (Hollow Mind)

Lots of avoidance symptoms like numbing, combined with hypervigilance e.g. shivering and another panic attack (Labyrinth Runners)

Feeling fear with underlying shame and subconsciously expecting punishment, when he failed to save Luz (Clouds on the Horizon)

Freezing and recoiling, though he fought against this by asserting a boundary with Belos (King's Tide)

Panic attack when looking into the mirror and having an emotional flashback, hypervigilance e.g. stamping his foot and shivering (Thanks to Them)

Anger and rage to cope with bereavement, later being tearful (For the Future)

Most likely a sense of bereavement, deep exhaustion and possibly loneliness, during that briefly shown moment in The Collector's Palace (Watching and Dreaming)

The serious work he has to put in to heal from his trauma would begin once his whole body gives in to the exhaustion, catching up with the bereavement-related emotions that have also begun to settle in. It could be a massive emotional and physical collapse that he can't fight off, where his physical energy levels become tanked seemingly out of nowhere. And I think it would look like a worse version of him lying in his makeshift grave, where he is barely able to move around the house or anywhere for some time.

This happened to Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, and while the portrayal was done differently in the books and movies, both were good explorations of what it's like to shift from the default high alert (and long-term) mode of CPTSD to coping with the scary unknown world of newfound safety. Katniss spent her childhood in poverty and being constantly on edge that she might be chosen for the Hunger Games, being parentified, to provide for her family.

While participating in the games, she had to utilize battle skills and kill others to survive and sustained many injuries, still constantly on high alert whereby any respite would last for incredibly short durations. Towards the end of the story, after she loses the one she loved most (her sister Prim, who I think can be a parallel of Flapjack in this meta), Katniss shifts from peak physical activity into mostly sleeping and being actively suicidal for months, hardly moving and not leaving the house, until the shock of traumatic grief began to wear off. She absolutely crashed and went from one extreme to the other. In the movie Mockingjay Part 2, they added a non-book scene where her grief comes out in an outburst when she sees their pet cat hanging around on the kitchen counter. She flings an object in the cat's direction, then screams "[Prim] is gone!!" repeatedly before collapsing into heavy sobs, picking up the cat and holding it to her chest to soothe herself.

This kind of major collapse might happen very soon to Hunter after he leaves The Collector's Palace or only after some weeks. The timing of this, I can't predict. The reason why he didn't appear to have this issue in the early months being in the human realm is because there was still something external to concentrate on: help his friends get back to the Human Realm, help Luz reunite with Eda and King, while him and Flapjack hoped to go home too.

You could argue that even now, he still has something external to focus on i.e. helping the others rebuild the Isles. However I keep imagining that the people who love him are going to be quite adamant in getting him, Luz and the other kids to please rest. Since we saw Steve recommend his therapist to Lilith in O Titan Where Art Thou, I can picture the adults in particular monitoring how Hunter is doing without Flapjack.

But if this collapse I'm speculating about doesn't happen so soon, he would be pouring himself into helping others, referencing his character-centric line all the way back in Hunting Palismen about wanting to offer help, which he utters twice in that episode. There is an overlap between this expectation he has of himself and the old habit he's at risk of falling back into periodically: overworking.

Once his desire to help others is clearly comes across as an avoidance tactic on the outside - a maladaptive coping mechanism to run from the very difficult emotions that he should be processing - people around him are definitely going to set boundaries and say "No" to any attempts he makes to assist them. Someone is probably going to tell him that whatever desperation he is showing in wanting to help other people, needs to be redirected at himself. Making time and space for himself, taking time off to rest.

Him suffering from a major emotional and physical collapse is pretty likely because things are more complicated (though, physically much much safer) for him now than at the beginning of Thanks to Them when he had just fled from Belos to the human realm, and had Flapjack as his closest company. Fast forward to the victory won in Watching and Dreaming: both Flapjack and Belos are gone now.

It's telling that different thoughts are occupying Hunter's mind now, from how his expressions are drawn during his first days in the human realm vs. when peace is restored in the Isles.

1. See the sense of calmer urgency in his expression, putting the mission of building the portal door first, while experiencing a strong sense of togetherness with his friends, and learning to trust Camila who is treating him well:

compared to

2. the sheer exhaustion and feeling of "What now...?" (see his upper eyelids below?) that set in, once he helped Willow find her parents and there was no more task at hand that didn't involve himself. His bright smile from a split-second ago has drooped and disappeared:

I know that right after the above frame, Darius and Eberwolf reunited with him, but his emotions are going to cycle up and down in the hours, weeks and months ahead. The elation from seeing Darius and Eber - people who were there to greet him when he expected nobody to turn up - is not going to last, though it will certainly come and go, because high-running positive emotions like that don't last as long, especially in the context of the life he's had as a child soldier. It's totally possible that on the same night, hours after this reunion with their loved ones, their emotions will shift drastically.

The tired look in his eyes above and the sad face he then makes, is in between two moments of him having something external to focus on (Willow and then Darius). I'm inclined to think that the above depressed look reflects a lot of the complexity that is going on underneath the surface. What is his state of mind when alone with his thoughts, when he has zero tasks to perform? How is he handling those thoughts?

There will be a deep, sometimes mind-numbing sense of bereavement over two significant figures in his life. First Flapjack, now this:

He used to love Belos. But I'm really not sure he can just uproot that love from deep within and discard it. Hunter carries memories like the following ones around which will be confusing to navigate on tougher days, despite being able to tell Luz "That's what Belos does, he tricks people". Because these were his formative years:

and something tells me that Philip was cunning enough to strike a delicate balance between being 'nice' to Hunter like above, versus unleashing his violent temper to terrify and harm him. Making sure that balance was so close to 50/50 that it would leave a child very confused. So confused he would rather believe he's never good enough rather than the more frightening prospect that his so-called family does not actually love him at all.

Hunter will have a moment now and then of still missing the 'niceness' that his 'uncle' showed towards him (felt in his heart and subconscious), while still knowing (in his head, rationally) that Philip was not genuine when treating him that way.

To note though, he did not witness Belos's death which reduces the severity of intrusive images that the poor kid would see in his mind.

What I'm worried about is how he'll handle the news about the grimwalker graveyard, since I'm sure that location is going to be scoured and Darius would want to give his mentor a proper sending off. They'd want to give all the Golden Guards and Caleb a sending off and pay their respects. This might add to what I suspect will be the messed up depression he'll fall into.

It will be very confusing and emotionally disorienting, literally not needing to worry about anyone killing him anymore. He has had no point of reference for this in his life at all. It might possibly the furthest he ever goes from that primal survival instinct he had while living in the Castle for so long, which took up the majority of his life so far:

There will also be the added layer of how he feels about those first emotions. This is literally a concept called Feelings About Feelings and it's a key part of my work since I use the Satir Model in my style of counselling. We don't just feel emotions, we also tack on our own judgments and evaluations about them. E.g. shame about feeling anger, guilt about feeling sad because of burdening others, or even a combination like fear about feeling joy which can show up in healing from bereavement.

Depending on how we feel about whichever emotions got there first, it makes a difference because we could be adding or subtracting unnecessary suffering from the first emotion, especially if the first emotion is an already unpleasant one.

I have a feeling that we'd see Hunter look very very tired, till he makes breakthroughs in therapy. A tiredness that sleep, a healthy diet and exercise alone simply cannot fix. Because there's an entire upbringing in the Emperor's Coven to sort through in his head, this time not combined with the avoidance of having fled to the human realm and living under one roof with his friends.

The Hexsquad are not living under the same roof anymore, they are reunited with their own families with much to emotionally talk out, and the group no longer has a very urgent single collective mission. Sure, Hunter has an active role to play in rebuilding the Isles, but what about rebuilding his very self? He has the steepest climb, because we have seen the symptoms he exhibits.

Most of all, referencing a section of my Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1) meta (link), a memory as horrible as this:

will likely be the most intrusive image is going to be replaying again and again over the months to come, and it may flood his thoughts during moments of being triggered or even out of nowhere during quiet moments for no apparent reason. It will be just like a broken record, where the same small excerpt of a song loops endlessly until the needle of the gramophone is repositioned.

It was remarkably poignant that his final words to Belos were "And most of all, I'm going to make sure you never hurt anyone again", and I'm happy with the story keeping it this way and understand why the writers likely made this decision - not just because the season was shortened. Hunter did not need to directly see or hear more from Belos in close quarters, not after his abuser minimized his needs for years, gaslit him, possessed him and got him to murder his best friend with his own hands.

It's more straightforward to make sure someone else isn't hurting anyone. It's easier to think of what plans to implement, when it comes to him protecting others: which he has had plenty of practice with. Because those are practical methods that we can see in action on the outside.

But here's the kicker: what about applying that last grand statement from his TTT speech to himself, emotionally: making sure he isn't psychologically hurting himself with harmful unhelpful thoughts and beliefs, after Belos's death? "I'll make sure I don't hurt myself (and by extension, my loved ones) again".

This will be very new to him, and it is a theme that I handle in pretty much every client case in my therapy work. The client's self-dialogue, the self-compassion or lack thereof. Which, in real life, is often not a concept that our own families and schools introduce to us to be familiar with.

For Hunter, this may translate into him making the decision to get help and truly accepting the gift of life that Flapjack gave him.

Basically this on a much bigger scale:

whereby in Flapjack's absence, he can truly believe in this new and positive fundamental belief about himself. The evidence that he managed to make it to that heartbreaking but incredibly beautiful place is pretty strong:

But before his happy ending, the pressure on himself to be useful to others via helping and working is likely going to come back and be used as his way of coping, and there's a chance it will cross the line into becoming a form of self-harm that he's relying on to avoid the frightening, deeper emotional pain. People around him know him well enough that they'll be able to spot his behavioral changes and then sense he is not going in a helpful direction. They'll see that it's hurting him even though it's the most familiar territory for his mind to be in, and someone is going to tell him to change that.

He's going to be seeing his friends with their palismen. How will it be like being among them, even if they are pretty good at supporting him? How would he attempt to make sense of the void that is the absence of the incredible love he experienced from that first friend, the absence of that mental link between witch and palisman?

What emotions could be lurking beneath the surface? Believe it or not, there are some signs from Luz's nightmare even though yes, Hunter was being controlled by The Collector. I wouldn't quickly dismiss this dark Flapjack-related scene as 100% being about The Collector's goal to scare Luz in the nightmare.

I think there was a smaller subplot going on as well.

The Collector needed material to work with in the first place, to perform the puppet acts: the material was whatever fears and whatever pain was already there in their targets.

The Collector didn't create Hunter's emotions from scratch for the puppet act; instead he manipulated and redirected what existed at the base level. All this wouldn't work as analogies of mental illness vs. mental health if The Collector could just engineer emotions on their own and simply replace whatever his puppet targets were already feeling. Emotions never vanish and always take up space somewhere, they are redirected, transformed or channeled into outlets even if it means they become repressed or locked away. But they never stop existing.

I have a feeling that despite the nightmare being Luz's, despite Hunter being used as an instrument for The Collector to achieve their goals...the pre-existing emotions that Hunter himself felt in his body, not puppet!Hunter's verbal responses towards Luz, were true. He is a haunted boi.

This face he makes above might be a hint at the worst of his pain. It might be the furthest he has felt from when he said "I like who I am right now" to Flapjack. In the place of that confidence from before, there might now be his own version of Luz's "I'm as bad as Belos". I cannot be entirely certain, but the negative belief that may have taken root in him could be "I am not deserving of the life Flapjack gave me".

Interestingly, if this is the case, it could easily parallel his line from all the way back in Any Sport in A Storm: "I'm unfit to wear the sigil of the Golden Guard." It's definitely a possibility, since Hunter is now faced with having a lot of time and space now, and less urgency than he's ever had in his life, to think back on all those times he helped to further Belos's cause. Especially when it came to sending many palismen to their deaths.

With his own palisman now dead, the engraving we would eventually see on Flapjack's grave: "Thank you for finding me", would be the destination. But the journey needed to reach that destination of amazing gratitude in the first place...must have been a harrowing one. In the early months of the acute grief, it would've been more like "Why did you have to find me?! You shouldn't have. Then none of this would've happened". Not forgetting the number of times Hunter has replayed in his head what he could've done differently, trying so desperately to rewind the clock and make that better alternate timeline a reality.

If you remove The Collector and even Luz from the equation in the Luz nightmare scene, Hunter may well be having such responses - the ones that puppet!Hunter directed at Luz to blame Luz - as a dialogue with himself. He might direct those negative emotions towards himself since he's so careful about hurting others and has taken on unfair punishment for so much of his life.

Even when he was temporarily himself, smiling, expressing a positive emotion to encourage Luz with "What's the first thing you do when you wake up from a bad dream?", that was him conversing with another person, someone external. Not his own self. I am willing to bet he wasn't at a point in his arc where he would smile at himself like that and easily encourage himself in the same way.

While we can be certain he had already reached his breakthroughs by the time we saw him post-timeskip, he has not experienced them yet in the frame above. He has not felt (yet) what Luz felt onscreen when she had breakthroughs in relation to her moral injury:

Taking a leap of faith to accept the Titan's gift, to trust that he chose her because she has a good heart and will never be Belos.

Then later, being able to stand firm, believing she truly is good ("I am the Good Witch Luz!"), and not uttering a word to Belos as he died - which was post-traumatic growth beyond how she broke down under his threats and manipulation towards the end of Hollow Mind and later in King's Tide.

Recap time. In the (quite likely) long period that passes by before we meet his new palismen, he's likely going to want to jump into action and attend meetings with Darius, Eberwolf and co, help to physically rebuild things and organize people with his own Coven Head experience. Leaning back on the ingrained and familiar lifestyle of pouring himself into work and gearing towards burnout is certainly a risk to watch out for.

The Hexsquad, CATTs and the Clawthorne sisters are going to notice his behavior and likely urge him to get appropriate rest and seek help.

However, there is the other extreme: Belos isn't around anymore to torment him, and Hunter would know this in the rational sense (head knowledge). Which leads to the possibility that he may swing towards shutting down as opposed to overworking tendencies. He would feel allowed to do whatever he wants, in this new Boiling Isles, and he had months of opportunities to do that in the early part of Thanks to Them before Belos's return.

What I'm getting at is, if he didn't sleep enough before, he might swing towards sleeping too much after finally collapsing from the familiarity of survival mode into unknown but genuinely safe territory. If he cared too much about helping others before, he might swing towards a depressive state of apathy (the closest canon reference point would be him digging his grave: he was very disarmed in that scene to even think much about helping anyone including Belos). This is why the screenshot I used of his smile drooping in The Collector's Palace, feels like a big clue to me. This would be where Darius, Camila and other adults have to seriously keep watch over him.

In the Cinema Therapy episode I had as a small reference for this post, the licensed therapist who hosts the series mentions that "It takes a lot longer to put oneself back together than it took to fall apart." In Hunter's case, the "falling apart" period here refers to that collapsing I mentioned. It would be the time between:

1. the grief hitting him in full force: when he subconsciously understands and acknowledges that Flapjack isn't coming back (which...will involve hell of a lot of wailing and sobbing. Him having a full version cry of those first few tears he shed at the end of TTT),

and

2. the time when the painful shock from feeling the full force of the grief has decreased enough that it plateaus.

This falling apart stage may need to pass before he seeks therapy. If he tries going for sessions while still going through that shock and pain, it might be too much for him.

As terrible and sad as it sounds, a deep dark spiral like this might be necessary. It would be his body and mind wanting to compensate for several years' worth of unnatural hypervigilance which wasn't serving him in a advantageous way (i.e. surviving) any longer. His body and mind begging for rest at last, to try and make sense of everything that happened. This big collapse into depression would empty out the old and free up much room in him for new stories, beliefs and perspectives to take root. Depression is, after all, the body's attempt to (maladaptively) try and protect us by numbing us, or else we would be overwhelmed.

As someone whom we know keeps himself very busy, this could be the period where he is the furthest he has ever been from that old simpler life. Because his CPTSD-ridden body would be demanding more than ever that he compensates for a childhood and teen years' lack of general rest, he may not even have the strength to cope the way he did before. The only way he might possibly cope in this period is to go with the flow of that raging current and do exactly what his body is asking of him: getting real rest.

Like what happened with Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, this early grieving stage would emotionally be difficult and terrifying, like walking along a tightrope, finding balance between left and right to angle yourself as straightly as possible and walk forward. (the tightrope metaphor is what I use with some of my clients to explain swinging between extremes of coping mechanisms).

The missing pieces of the puzzle in his arc, in the 4-year duration before the timeskip, might be his own version of these points in Luz's arc:

where she sank lower before she realized her deepest wish and emotionally experienced her worst fear in her Watching and Dreaming nightmare.

For Hunter, these could look like the following:

Like Luz saying it'd be better for everyone that she permanently stays in the human realm, Hunter might say he wants to remove himself from his loved ones in some way, for good. Whether a literal suicide attempt (like Katniss from The Hunger Games) or not, I can't say for sure.

A parental figure trying to reach out to him, saying he is deserving of Flapjack's gift. But he still struggles to believe that. What matters though is this parental figure is present and he's not pushing them away.

Him hearing some confirmation of his deepest negative belief about himself, in his own nightmares. Like Luz hearing the most terrifying things she could ever hear - Amity's "You've been the real villain this whole time" and "But for the sake of everyone you hurt, I challenge you to a witch's [duel]".

Him being able to reach an emotional space where he can begin to question that unhelpful belief: "Am I really deserving of Flapjack's gift?", or something similar.

The big moment when he finally tells someone how he really feels about the possession, Belos's death, Flapjack's absence in this new supposed peace and quiet....this would be the important invitation for the other person to connect and meet his emotional needs, and is a lot like how support groups for addiction work: a client needs to acknowledge that they are struggling with a problem, not avoiding it with distractions any longer, and then seek help and express their need for said help.

I suppose the question is how soon Hunter might decide to accept professional help and give it a go: or whether he'd have the genuine need for space first and say "I need some time". Because one's rational mind can be ready to go for therapy, but their subconscious and body would find it too unpleasant if it's too soon. Every part of him would have to be ready to begin putting himself back together after the falling apart stage occurs.

The messed up experience of CPTSD is that you stay shockingly calm during real danger, but on the flip side have big, disproportionate freakouts during actually safe times. Compare how calm Hunter was when he smiled at Luz in her nightmare while he was tied up with puppet strings vs. his fear and shame when he couldn't save Luz in Clouds on the Horizon. 

In a CPTSD memoir I read, the author describes that it was horribly frightening to hear her partner be in a bad mood and wash the dishes more loudly than usual, while during the pandemic, she felt completely calm seeing empty shelves in a supermarket when she struggled to get supplies.

From my own experience, I have experienced being pretty damn calm when bleeding out and needing hospitalization. But in a different year before that, I recall one afternoon alone in my house right before a vacation where a strong gust of wind very loudly slammed an open door shut next to where I happened to be standing, and I broke down sobbing from a retraumatization via an emotional flashback. Because it felt extremely real as if my abusive parent was lashing out to physically hurt me. 

After a 5-year period of mostly being in talk therapy, and then a 2-year period of regularly scheduled EMDR therapy, my response if I have a door loudly slam shut near me now would maybe be a smaller-scale flinch and a flash of anger that would last about maybe a minute. Which is miles better than sobbing for half an hour and being dissociated and frozen in a memory for hours before I thaw out of that flashback.

Since the show's writing is just that good, I could look at Luz's depressive symptoms manifesting in Thanks to Them and see a likely parallel in Hunter's story moving forward, since we know how much this show also digs neat and tidy parallels. These are characters written for TV after all, so they'd have to fit a formula to an extent, to have compelling arcs and reach high and low points along said arcs.

Part 2: Therapy Itself

Part 1 was the setup to give a good amount of context: now for the technicalities of the therapy sessions themselves:

Like Adrian Graye said in Labyrinth Runners, Illusion Magic can sort through memories. We have seen from Gus's own powerful Illusion abilities that he could do so with Belos. It makes sense that a therapist does this in sessions to have a magnified version of how in our world, therapists exercise empathy by imagining what it is like to be their clients:

I would monitor whether his mood (what he is feeling within) and affect (how the emotions appear on the outside e.g. tone of voice, face expressions) are congruent. Congruence usually means a client is in less distress. Incongruence might mean they are in so much pain that they can't connect directly with the main emotion: the perfect example of this being Hunter laughing when digging his grave.

We therapists take note of aspects such as affect, mood, the client's motor activity, any indicators of psychosis, even down to things like how untidy their hair looks in case we get clues about the severity of their issues (this is called a Mental Status Exam, and we write what we see in our case notes per session).

Because CPTSD is so relationship-centric, I'd discuss how he's getting along with new parental figures (the Belos replacements who will heal him so much and change his life forever!) and friends.

If the Boiling Isles therapists use their own equivalent of EMDR therapy, which is theorized to be like a waking version of how REM sleep and REM-related dreams help our brains to sort through memories, it sounds like a great fit for his case. This intervention involves subconscious work and could help him reshape how he experiences memories of Flapjack and Belos. EMDR clients are expected to see vivid images popping up without control in their mind during the sessions, and they are quite symbolic e.g. seeing a grey sky often indicates grief, seeing lighter colors indicates more calm. This technique helps a client's subconscious rewrite their story the way they'd like it to be, and install new positive beliefs and emotions over time.

My own example of EMDR experiences from the second half of 2019 as a client, is it majorly changed how I related to my own abuser, got me to finally feel allowed to emotionally break away from her, even though she is still alive and even lives in the same building.

In the early sessions, I saw an image of my 5-year-old self being forced to wear an ugly grey apron that my abuser used for baking. The apron is a real object, not fictional, and the emotions I felt showing up were matching with the image: feeling very uncomfortable seeing a visual representation of my abuser's hold over me.

But in a later session after a few months, guided by my therapist, I saw a vivid image of my abuser receiving a sea burial. She was lying peacefully on the water surface and sank down until she was gone. That was me subconsciously burying any expectation that she could ever provide what I needed. This was so powerful that I could go home after that session and permanently (so far) be significantly calmer around my abuser.

Therefore if Hunter goes through something like this, he'd potentially be able to put Belos to rest and have it feel very real and true: and have significantly reduced distress about Belos-related memories. There is the potential for powerful breakthroughs for him here, especially also related to Flapjack's death and how challenging it might be to carve palismen in the beginning. Especially since in the worst case scenario, even touching palistrom wood might be enough to badly trigger him. I cover this particular point a bit more in my other meta, Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1).

We would also be discussing what he's implementing into his routine and what may benefit him. I would be seeing if he is able to laugh about things, be motivated enough to be outdoors and among people, experience pleasure when creating new things, and form closer bonds with parental figures (what I just listed is to do with neurotransmitters in the brain that increase mental health: serotonin, endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin).

If I were his therapist I might suggest that whatever volunteering tasks he does, he carries those out with his friends, and time should be allocated to managing and taking care of a specific demographic: children. Because I think it'd be a safe, low stakes form of unfamiliarity for him to have enough emotional distance from his traumatic memories. Early months of acute grief usually require such emotional distance.

Having a good dose of an environment like that alongside the other tasks where he's working alongside Darius etc, could help him because kids' emotions are less complex, and their infectious laughter and fun-loving nature may play a role in helping him be more open with his own inner child. His therapist would be seeking to draw out that inner child in their sessions, and that little child would need to feel safe enough to emerge.

Importantly, his future palisman: it would've been interesting if he did what Luz did with Stringbean and allowed the palisman to be whoever they wanted to be...that would've been a nicely organic process. But even if he had a good idea to incorporate a Flapjack-like design but change details like the color, I'm sure he thought it through very well. I'm certain that this was a major topic of discussion at some stage of his therapy. Discussing the guilt he'd feel about replacing Flapjack vs. still taking Flapjack with him in a new way.

Coming from a strengths-based angle: paying attention to which of his individual strengths he is shows and recounts in the session. If he needs reminding, I could give him a simple worksheet listing various positive qualities and ask him to circle/colour in which ones he feels he has, which then prompts further discussion and questions. Lastly, a powerful tool called reframing e.g. if he says he's worried about being a nuisance to his friends, I'll point out how much he cares about their comfort and affirm that place of kindness.

Work on inviting self-compassion into how he sees himself. Is he able to view himself the way he views his friends? If he remembers the encouragement he gave to Luz about "turning on the light", I would ask him what that would look like in his own life, symbolically.

Hunter's own life has been a really really bad dream for a very long time. He himself has to reach for that light switch and choose to heal by embracing Flapjack's ultimate gift to him.

And we can rest assured that Hunter did that.

Because this post-traumatic growth right here?

This looks like multiple breakthroughs have taken place while he's been receiving consistent care from an excellent community. And there's no way it was an easily won victory. It has been very much hard-won, after how dark the story became in Hollow Mind and Thanks to Them, and it looks like whatever breakthroughs he had left him pleasantly surprised.

It doesn't seem like his heart and soul can contain this much joy and hope, without a very painful dismantling to have taken place first, to make room for the most unexpected treasures to fill his life back up.

The joy becomes even greater if you never would've expected it in your wildest dreams.

[sugurugetos]

☆ UPSCALING LOW QUALITY FOOTAGE

what i used: • 2021 macbook pro with m1 chip (390/500gb storage used she's hanging in there) • photoshop 2020 • mpv (for screencaps but this isn't needed!) • handbrake (available for linux, mac and windows here) • video source to gif

what is handbrake? basically its a software that helps you change the format of videos, such as for certain devices or screens, or in the case that we're going to utilise, quality and frame rate!

disclaimer: handbrake is super easy to use and very beginner friendly for this procedure and it can make a video go from 30fps to 60fps however it does not replace the quality of true 4k/blue/master-pro res files. in the gif below, this is the level of detail in a master pro-res file.

getting started it's easiest first to note the timestamps of the video you want to encode, and keep in mind that unless your computer is incredibly powerful, i wouldn't try to encode an hour worth of footage in one run! my laptop could handle about 30 seconds in one go before she started toasting.

using handbrake: once you've downloaded the software, open the software and it will come up with a pop up window asking you to open the video source (that is presumably saved within your folders) and go ahead and do so!

in the range section, use the drop down button to navigate to seconds and enter your timestamp. the duration on the side will show how long of the footage you're gonna encode is!

then go down to the save as, and give your footage 'to be snipped' a name. this isn't necessary but useful because if you're planning to say, encode 3 or 4 small parts of footage in one sitting, each encoding instance will overwrite the previous one. so i just call mine 'cut 1', 'cut 2' and so on.

next go to preset, and there you'll see such a wide variety of options that you can play around with, with differing qualities, frame rates, sound options, and so on. for the sake of this tutorial, i'm using 'superhq 2160p60 4k av1 surround' and i've used the drop down menu to select it! then go ahead and press start! the time taken to complete depends on the duration of footage that you sent to encode! you'll find your encoded video as an .mp4 file in your designated folder (which you can change via browse at the bottom)

what next? • if you prefer to open footage directly into photoshop (my ps can't handle it), then go for it! • if you screencap as i do, then just use mpv or whatever screencapping program you prefer to make the screencaps and open in ps in your usual manner. • you can use the timestamps to further process the video through vapoursynth to denoise, but i've yet to try that!

the results for this first set of example footage, i used footage from the be the sun concert file, which is almost 2 hours in length and 4gb in file size.

you can see the difference in the smooth frame rate of the footage, as well as the quality of the sharpening!

and to utilise the bane of gifmaking, a gose episode, notorious for dodgy pixelated frames and less hd quality in 1080p on youtube, i ran it through the same settings!

these are the exact same files, downloaded using 4k video downloader and with the same sharpening, but see how on the original file, the sharpening looks a bit more harsh and 'outlined' while it seems to sit softer on the encoded 4k version!

so i mainly use handbrake for dvd files, or not-so-hd 1080p youtube videos or videos that seem a bit clunkier but i had never tried them on a tv/film file so take a look below! i used a 1gb (so not very good quality) of a show (as compared to its 4gb files).

as i said at the start in the disclaimer, handbrake can't replicate true file quality, as you'd expect to see in a proper hd bluray/t*rrent file of a show but there's an interesting difference in the frame rate. personally it's not something i would utilise much there but its all up to individual preference on how someone prefers to have their gifs <3

this is a very basic run-through of how i used handbrake, as i haven't really explored all its features and i use this as a quick process when i'm running through seventeen dvd/dl files but i feel like it would work well on general youtube videos (such as interviews, episodes, behind the scenes) and feel free to send an ask/message for any help/clarification! <33

[rudeflower]

jamie tartt's surprisingly soft house

Hello my Apple+ trial ends in 14 minutes and I used my last screencaping seconds to make this post

SO when I watched through every time we went to Jamie's house (which I think was only 4 times, but see above I don't have time to check rn)

I was blown away by how much it clashed with Jamie's personal aesthetic. He actually describes it as "zippers, hoods or graffiti...where is the graffiti?"

Not in your house babe

Aside from some touches like lamps shaped like firearms, the house is all light colors, clean lines, candles, flowers and soft unique white lights. Bb keeps his mirror in front of the well maintained modest garden so he can look at two forms of beauty at once

It was weird and felt like a product of lack of thought going into the house aside from some weird lamps untillllllll

We go to his mom and stepdad's house back on the council estate and it's soft and gentle. The house feels like a secret world, white unique white lights, and floral paintings. It's so safe, this young man who has been on guard and masking for three seasons melts into safety.

His unusually soft gentle house is bringing the safety of home down to London with him. I have a theory that he bought this house thinking his mom and even Simon could come visit or even move in. He probably has tried to buy her a house more than once--huge ones, beautiful ones with big windows, but Georgie just wanted him to buy the council house for her, she's made a good home there. Still, Jamie chooses where and how to live just in case she decides to come move in. Maybe can't admit that the maintained garden, the floral paintings are for him too.

[telomeke]

10 (or So) BL Boys I Want Carnally (Plus a Couple of Girls Too)

I was tagged by @neuroticbookworm at this post here and @waitmyturtles at this post here. Thank you dearies! 🥰

Now here's the thing before I get on with the post: after a certain time I think sexual attraction is a phenomenon more intellectual than physical.

So the beautiful people I'm listing below are ones whom I think fit the list in my head as examples of those genetically blessed with sexual desirability. But it's not as though I'm really feeling a carnal stirring in the loins for them. No fantasied jumping of bones (or boners) here; I would probably run a mile in the opposite direction if any of them actually presented themselves naked and available to me, you get my drift?

Still, since the malls are open I do like to look (even if it's only window shopping through binoculars 🤣). So, in no particular order, with tongue firmly in cheek and more admiration in my head (for the obvious hard work at the gym) than lust in my heart (or anywhere else) – here goes: 😍

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1. Nonkul Chanon

I know Nong Non looked like a little ball of Koreanesque sunshine in I Feel You Linger in the Air (really channeling 2PM's Wooyoung for me), but Mistah Santinatornkul used to be beefier and apparently lost weight to look all sweet and wispy for the role of Jom in IFYLITA.

Dunno bout you, but I miss the beef. (And if you do too, I urge you to click on the YouTube link above. 😁) Also, Nonkul had four lead roles in 2023; I think his star is on the ascendant, so keep an eye out for this one (he seems to have an international presence that most other Thai stars don't, though it beams eastwards). 🤩

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2. Ohm Pawat

I prefer him hunkier and chunkier like he was during his Bad Buddy Pat Napat days (he's too shredded and gangly beanstalk now for me) but I've actually met Ohm in real life and (I've said this before) his smile is supernova dazzling. Like everything else in the room simply fades to a blank whiteness. (Or maybe it was just me feeling faint. 🤣) Supremely photogenic (I don't think he has any bad angles), this boy definitely has the X factor and after Bad Buddy I will always be a diehard fan.

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3. MaxTul

The original kings of BL who never shied away and just went for it when it counted. I rue the loss of Tul to business or real estate or whatever it is he's focusing on now, but this coupling will always be legendary so I'm putting them together as one on my list.

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4. Gap Jakarin

You may be noticing a trend here, but I do like a bit of meat with my two veg. 😜🍆🥩🥬🍴🤣 Anyway I'm all goo-goo eyed at lovable himbo Yai in The Sign, especially when we see how smitten he is with his beautiful girlfriend Sand (who's canon transgender in the show, as Yoshi Rinrada is in real life too 💖). And that's carried over to my appreciation of Gap Jakarin in all his meaty meathead glory offscreen as well.

Plus when he was in the bulking phase (or maybe it was for a role?) Gap was also carrying a fair bit of baby fat in the following photo on his Instagram, and somehow that just makes him even more teddybeardorable in my eyes: 🧸😍

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5. Neo Trai

Always the boy you remember in roles you'd rather forget. I've liked his look (neck up) for a long time now; in his current gym bunny phase the rest of Neo is looking more buff by the day and I approve, aesthetically speaking. More to love. 😘

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6. Force Jiratchapong

Nice to look at. Only just about makes up for his roles and acting though. I'm not hurrying to watch anything he's in, unless it's for a photoshoot like the one in the YouTube video above. 😮

7. Pavel Naret

It appears he's had a little surgical tweaking recently, but the doctors did a fine job and Pavel is always looking like he's some sort of walking sex buffet, dishing out sass and overflowing sex appeal at every turn. Still not enough to make me wanna watch Pit Babe though. 🤣

8. KaowOat Supasin

Apologies for the fuzziness of this screencap but I can almost feel non-existent ovaries swelling within me when I look at KaowOat's pensive buttcrack and delicately-placed fingers here. Almost makes me want to watch Playboyy The Series. Almost.

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9. Net Siraphop

I'm also on board with everybody's carnal favorite Net, even though I've not watched a single thing he's been in (Uea's kitty ears in Bed Friend did a good job warding me off, like garlic and crucifixes to a vampire so well done James Van Helsing). Nonetheless all the screenshots and GIFs were more than enough to leave me a little breathless at Net's honey-toned beauty. Those eyes telling of mysterious depths! That handsome jawline! That teasing glimpse of buttcheek with no tanline! When upon a time will we finally get Love Upon a Time? I'll be watching, if James can keep his furry ears out of frame.‌

‌‌‌

10. Kao Noppakao

Oh he of the excellent cheekbones and Cupid's Bow lips! Always looking so icy and unavailable, yet Kao utterly charmed his way into my heart in Lovely Writer (and then shattered it within the first few minutes of Until We Meet Again). Like Ohm he literally cannot take a bad photo; it's all Blue Steel and high fashion with this one.

BONUS 1 (because I am no respecter of limits):

Great Sapol is on here because he filled out his tight policeman's uniform so well in Manner of Death (and has me vibrating with pins and needles waiting for Wandee Goodday). And Taylor Zakhar Perez just because he was such a menace in Red, White & Royal Blue (that full frontal above is from Minx though). 😜 Plus TZP's name always gives me the giggles because zakar in a number of countries quite literally means what that eggplant is hiding. 🤣

‌

BONUS 2 (because these girls have made me feel something):

Zorzo Nathanan (formerly Zorzo Natharuetai)

Ever since she roared up and flicked those lovely long locks (and legs) on her motorcycle in Lovely Writer, I've been going weak at the knees for the ravishing confection that is Zorzo. Supposedly queer in real life too; just adds to the appeal. 🤩

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Namtan Tipnaree

Absolutely radiant and glowing in Last Twilight even though makeup and wardrobe have Namtan totally frumped out for the character of Porjai. If you can look this good with perpetual bedhead and a shapeless gray t-shirt, there's some kind of sexual sorcery going on and there's a part of me that wants whatever it is she's got. 💖

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I always tag too many people so I'm going to buck my brand and tag just one: @non-binarypal7. But consider yourself tagged if you've read this far and would like to play too – I just love reading other people's takes in tag games! 😍

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[neverscreens]

— A TRAVÉS DE MI VENTANA.

Part One, 462 Screencaps.

Part Two, 463 Screencaps.

Find the trilogy here. Like or reblog if it was useful, every interaction shows us that we should keep making screencaps for y'all ♡

[guzhufuren]

love love LOVE your The Sign gifsets. im still a newbie in giffing lmao and your gifs are like reaaally pretty so i was wondering how you do your gifs? i really like how it's sharp and the colors pop up beautifully (only if you don't mind sharing ofcc <333)

bun this is the kindest thing you could have said to me, thank you so much <3 i wanted to write down my giffing process for a while in case anyone would find anything in it helpful, so thanks for giving me a push!

guzhu-furen's photoshop gifmaking process (kinda oriented on saving up time)

from

to

1. Downloading a video. i prefer to download video files instead of making screen recordings because the latter usually leaves watermarks/captions and makes image quality lower. i will not be linking the downloading websites themselves directly, but they are all easy to find through search engines if you know what to search for! i download ql dramas from:

youtube:

if the video you need is above 1080p quality, search for youtube4kdownloader

if the video is age restricted, search for 9xbuddy

both these websites work for normal videos too!

mkvdrama usually has 1080p episodes of most asian dramas.

dramacool also has downloading options in case the show is not available on other websites!

2. Screencapping (i learned it through this tutorial)

i screencap using KMPlayer. here is the installer i used, but you can find versions of this program on various websites and torrents too! install the program and proceed.

screencapping steps: open KMPlayer > press "CTRL + G" to summon the Frame Extraction window > set identical settings to these:

note which computer folder the screencaps will go to (it has a label "Extract to") > go to that folder on your computer and create a bunch of numbered folders there, for example ten folders named from 1 to 10, these would be our separate folders for ten gifs > write "1" or a name of another numbered folder after the backslash in "Extract to" bar in kmplayer > go the timestamp that will be the beginning of your gif in KMPlayer > press "Start" in the Frame Extraction window and press play on the video > when the moment you need to gif is over, press pause on the video and press "Stop" in the Frame Extraction window. great, you now have your folder of screencaps!

3. Importing screencaps to Photoshop

i use Adobe Photoshop 2023, but had used Adobe Photoshop CS5 for a long time before that, so you can use any version you have or find! it's available on various websites and torrents.

open Photoshop > Scripts > Load Files into Stack > press Browse in the "Load Layers" window that was opened

open your screencaps folder (and pin the KMPlayer Capture folder for faster future access) > pick the screencaps you want for your gif by clicking on the first one, and then clicking on the finishing one while pressing Shift on the keyboard > click OK and let them load for some time! i have 65 screencaps loading at the moment

when the screencaps finish loading go to Window > press Timeline > press Create Video Timeline in the opened sidebar > press three dots that will say "Convert to frame animation"

4. Sizing & making the base of a gif

next part will be automatic. i use actions for almost everything from this moment. download the basic action pack here and my additional action pack that we will need here. load them in your photoshop actions window (Actions > Load Actions).

play the Script action to create frames.

now onto sizing your gif. these are tumblr's width dimensions for 3 types of gifs

my gifs are usually 540 px in width and 640, 400 or 345 px in height. i added a 400 px action (Sizing 400) in the action pack, you can use it! or you can follow the steps by hand:

Image > Image Size > put in the height you want and add 4-6 pixels there (mine will be 406 for a 400 px high gif) > OK

now we need to crop the gif for it to fit tumblr's dimensions:

Image > Canvas Size > change Width to 540 (or 268 or 177) and take away the 4-6 pixels that we left in the previous step in Height

when you figure out which gif dimensions work best for you, record an action and use it to save up time!

after sizing use the action Smart Object. now we have the base of our gif!

you can move your gif left or right if you want! i will be doing this because i would like to show more hips in the gif.

press Ctrl + T > move the layer however you need (not in height though) > press Enter to save

i moved it to the right and my gif looks like this now:

5. Sharpening (i use Tan's sharpening settings explained here)

i added two sharpening actions in the pack, they are called Sharpen Spicy and Sharpen Spicy 12. you can use one of them or you can sharpen your gif by hand, i will explain how to do it below.

Filter > Sharpen > Smart Sharpen > 500% amount, 0,2 px radius > OK

Filter > Sharpen > Smart Sharpen > 17% amount, 10,0 px radius > OK (you can change 17% to lesser or bigger, depending how intense you want your sharpening to look. i use 17% for 4k footage and 12% for 1080 px or less videos)

to smooth the sharpening a bit i use Gaussian Blur (this is optional, you can leave the sharpening as it is if you want your gif to be sharper).

Filter > Blur > Gaussian Blur > Radius 1,0 pixels > OK

now change blending intensity to let only a bit of the blurring effect stay (you need to change this by hand if you used the sharpening action also).

press Blending Options (the highlighted place) twice > change Opacity to 10%

this is what my gifs looks like with sharpening now!

6. Colouring (i learned how to colour the way i do through this tutorial)

to make it easier for you to learn i will share my blank colouring file. i created it to save as much time while giffing as possible, so whenever i need to colour a gif i simply duplicate all the blank adjustment layers to the base of my every gif and start colouring! once you figure out which adjustment layers work for you best, i recommend creating a blank colouring file too to save time.

if you want to go the easy way, open my colouring file and duplicate selected layers to your gif file by Layer > Duplicate Layer > insert gif's document name

if you want to learn by hand, create the adjustment layers that i will be naming in the process on your own, you can find them all in Layer > New Adjustment Layer

now we will use adjustment layers for our colouring from the bottom to the top! first, Exposure layer to add a bit of light to the gif. i don't always use Exposure because sometimes shots are bright enough on their own. i will, however, use it here. don't use it on your gif too much, because in the next few steps we will also be brightening the gif with other adjustment layers. i added +0,49:

next, Hue/Saturation layer. i use it in gifs with neon lighting to color correct overly bright colours. for example if your characters are standing in neon pink, you might want to lessen Saturation in Magentas and Reds to make the final gif less pixelated, and etc. i will not use Hue/Saturation on this gif, cause it doesn't need it.

proceed to the layer Levels. this layer usually does most of my colouring. click on the lowest white dropper in your Levels window:

now choose a light place on your gif and click on it with the white dropper. it works especially well if you use the white dropper on the lightened parts of face skin. you can play around by choosing different bright spots and seeing what works best. here is the spot i chose and the resulting colouring:

this is too light, so now we need to balance it out with the black dropper:

choose one of the darkest places this time and click it with black dropper! once again, you can play around and click different spot to see what works best. i will be clicking the highlighted spot and you can see what my gif will look like with this Levels settings

as you can see, darkest places became darker and other colours were corrected a bit! now, this is still too bright, so i will be decreasing the opacity of Levels layer from 100% to a smaller number:

i will have to continue in another post because tumblr only allows 30 pictures per one post in the new editor now and i'd like to explain everything in visuals. click to continue

[dqmeron]

some quick info: ↳ this is specifically for the screencapping method. i use mplayer osx extended to get my caps, but there are a few other programs you can use as well. i’ll specifically be going over mplayer here. ↳ i’m using ps 24.4.1 on a 2020 m1 macbook air

[tysm to @kyubinz for looking this over and adding some things ily]

☆ feel free to send me an ask/message with any questions you have! ☆

「 setup 」

1. finding videos

one big thing to remember is that the overall file size of your video will impact the quality of your gif. the larger, the better. i almost never use anything below 1080p, and try to use 2160p whenever i can. 4k video downloader is the program i use for downloading videos from youtube, it’s free to install and works great! because of how large some files can be, i always store any media on my hard drive. i highly recommend using one if you plan to keep lots of files on hand. 

.mkv files are best, but .mp4 works fine as well (.mkv files are usually bigger aka better quality).

2. getting your screencaps

after downloading mplayer, go to the top bar and click file > open. open the video you’ll be screencapping. 

you can either drag the little time indicator or using the arrow keys on your keyboard to move to the spot you want to capture. the > key can also be used to move forward frame by frame. to start capping, pause the video and press shift + cmnd (ctrl if you’re on windows) + s to take a screencap. i usually just hold it down until i’ve gotten all the screencaps i need. 

by default, screencaps go right to desktop. you can set up a folder for them to go to automatically by going to settings > general and then selecting a spot in the menu under “interface”, but i just let them go to desktop and then sort them into individual folders so they’re easier for me to find while i’m giffing. in general, i try to stay under 80 frames so my gifs fit into tumblr’s 10mb image size limit. 

3. importing screencaps into photoshop

to import your caps into ps, go to file > scripts > load files into stack. this window should open:

click browse, and navigate to the folder with your caps in it. select all of the caps you want to import, and then click open.

click ok to create a file with your caps, and then wait until it’s finished loading your caps into the layers tab. once they’re loaded in, this is what your screen should look like:

(if you aren’t seeing the timeline at the bottom of your screen, go up to the top bar and go to window > timeline)

click create frame animation, then go to the hamburger menu at the top right of the timeline and select make frames from layers. once your frames have loaded in, select the same menu again and click reverse frames. play through your gif to make sure everything looks good. 

if you were to save your gif at the speed it’s set at now, it would be way too fast. to fix this, you have to set the frame delay. do this by selecting all your frames in the timeline using shift click, and then clicking (on any frame) where it says “0 sec”. select other from the menu that comes up, and you should get this popup:

the general rule of thumb for gif frame delay is 0.05 seconds. there are some cases — certain animated movies or video games, for example — where other delays are best, but for the most part, 0.05 is what you want to use (0.05 can slightly slow gifs, and sometimes using 0.04 better matches the clip's original timing. this is really a "train your eyes" thing, and picking the best delay gets easier as you gif for longer). you can set this by typing the number into the text box and then hitting the ok button or enter on your keyboard. 

at this point, i’d go ahead and save your file. you can go to file > save in the top bar, or just hit cmd/ctrl + s on your keyboard.

「 making your gif 」

1. sizing

after your frames are ready, the next thing is to size your gif. to crop your gif, press c on your keyboard to open the cropping tool. white borders will show up around your gif.

before doing anything, i would suggest making sure “delete cropped pixels” is unchecked. this will allow you to drag your gif around later if you want to reposition. you can find this option at the top of your screen. drag the borders on either side until you have the area you want selected. mine looks like this:

once you’re happy with your selection, hit enter on your keyboard to finalize it. 

the tumblr image guidelines require gifs to be 540px across (here’s a post detailing this). to change your gif’s image size, go to image > image size in the top bar. you’ll get this popup:

instead of setting the width right to 540, i’ll be setting it to 544, and then trimming down the edges using canvas size. this makes the quality just a little better, and also prevents any weird borders being made around your gif on the off chance photoshop decides to add them. this isn’t necessary at all, you can absolutely size right to 540, but i just like doing this. if you choose to do this, open canvas size right after you set image size (image > canvas size in the top bar), and trim your width down to 540 and your height down a few pixels as well. 

2. sharpening & other filters

sharpening is essential for good-quality gifs. the first step to this is converting our timeline from frame animation to a video timeline. select this little icon in the bottom left of your screen:

this is what your timeline will look like now:

you can use the little slider with mountains on either side to change the width of your frames in the timeline for easier access when editing. now that we’ve got all this set up, we can sharpen! i use this action pack to sharpen my gifs in addition to a few of my own settings (here is a video on how to install actions into photoshop). go to window > action in the top bar if you aren’t seeing the action tab. 

i’ll be using the sharper action from the pack. to use an action, select it from the list and press the little play button at the bottom of the panel to apply it.

in addition to this, i usually also add unsharp mask at 50% amount with a 0.5px radius:

there are a few other filters than can be helpful when giffing:

a. add/reduce noise noise (aka grain) can be added with “add noise”. go to filter > noise > add noise.

these are the settings i usually use, but the amount depends on the gif (i don't ever go over 3.5 for the most part):

(if you want a grain effect but moving noise doesn't work for the gif, you can also add a grain overlay and then mess with blending mode and layer opacity until it looks how you want)

reduce noise can be used to remove some of the pre-existing grain on a clip. go to filter > noise > reduce noise. here are my settings:

leaving reduce noise on its own at 100% is a bit too much, so double click this icon and change the opacity (i usually do around 45):

b. gaussian blur if your clip is a bit pixelated, gaussian blur can help with smoothing it out a bit. go to filter > blur > gaussian blur. my settings are 1 pixel radius w ~20% opacity (this changes based on the gif).

3. coloring

time to color! i want you to keep in mind during this section that everyone likes different colorings, and this is just my process! please don’t feel pressured to follow exactly what i’m doing, the best way to find what you like is to just mess around and experiment!

i like to start off with lighting adjustments: brightness/contrast, levels, exposure, and curves. 

a. brightness/contrast i usually start out with this first, just because brightening the gif right away helps me start thinking about how i want to color! here are my settings:

b. levels/curves levels and curves can either be used interchangeably or together. i usually use levels to adjust lighting and curves to adjust color values, but i’ll go over using both for lighting as well as using curves for adjusting color values. 

for both of these adjustments, i use the eyedropper tools to pick out white and black points. for levels, the top eyedropper tool to the left of the graph is used to pick out a black point. i do this first. use the tool to pick a spot on your gif that you want to be the base for black values. for me, that’s the shadow inside rey’s hood. the bottom eyedropper tool picks white point. use the tool to pick a spot on your gif that you want to be the base for white values. i chose the outside of rey’s hood. make sure you’re doing this on a new levels adjustment layer.

now, on to curves. you can either use the same eyedropper method or manipulate the graph directly. using the eyedropper is the same as levels, so i’ll just go over graph manipulation. 

shade lightens as you move to the right along the x-axis of the graph — black is the far left, white is the far right, middle is the midtones. generally, i don’t work with midtones.

i’m going to use levels for this gif’s lighting, and curves to adjust color values. here’s how to do that:

curves can be used to adjust the amount of a certain color in different lighting areas of a gif. for example, i can specifically decrease the amount of green in the gif’s whites. to edit these values, select the rgb drop-down menu and adjust them one at a time. here are my final graphs:

c. exposure this one’s pretty straightforward. the exposure slider adjust general exposure. the offset slider adjusts how dark your dark points are, and gamma correction can be used to lighten/darken scenes as a whole. here’s my settings:

d. color balance color balance is used to adjust overall tint of a clip. this is in general pretty simple, but i do want to point out that using the shadow and highlights tabs in addition to just the midtones can really help. here’s my settings:

e. channel mixer channel mixer is one of my favorite tools in ps, especially for coloring scenes that are a pain in the ass without it. to avoid taking up too much space, here’s a great tutorial covering channel mixer. here’s my settings:

[at this point, i’m noticing my gif is still a bit darker than i’d like it, so i’m adding just a bit of brightness/contrast to fix it. there’s also a patch of blue over one of rey’s eyes, so i’ve used a hue/saturation layer to get rid of that bit and masked it to her eye. i’m not going to go over masking here, but there are lots of great tutorials out there!]

f. selective color selective color can be used to adjust the amount of specific colors within a color. for example, if i were to go into the red tab and take out cyans, the reds would become more red. if i were to add yellows, the reds would become more orange, etc etc. this can be especially good for color manipulation. for this gif, i’d like to make the background more blue, so i’m going to use selective color to do this. here’s my settings:

g. color lookup color lookup uses 3dlut files to remap gif colors (it’s a preset — think instagram filter or something similar). i don’t always use these, but when i do, i almost never leave them at 100% opacity. color lookup is great for giving gifs a film-type look if you want to do that, it’s got loads of different options. here’s my settings (adjustment layer is set to 20% opacity):

atp i’m pretty much done with coloring! i usually end up doing a few extra little lighting adjustments at the end. for this gif, i added some brightness/contrast at +8. i’ve also noticed that my gif’s looking a bit grainy, so i’ve added some noise to lean into it. this is usually the way i fix it, but you can definitely do reduce noise/gaussian blur as well if you don’t want a grainy look. 

here’s my fully colored gif + a process gif (fast images warning):

「 saving gifs 」

1. frame rate

one thing you may have noticed is that my gif is looking a bit choppy. photoshop has a tendency to mess with frame delay after gifs are converted to video timeline. here’s how to fix that.

select all of your layers and convert them to a smart object (right click > convert to smart object). next, click on the hamburger menu in the top right of the timeline and go to convert frames > flatten frames into clips. now we need to change the timeline from video timeline to frame animation. click the little 3 boxes symbol in the bottom left corner of the timeline:

go to the hamburger menu again and select make frames (this is the same one you used earlier), then go through your frames and delete any duplicates. the first frame usually needs to be deleted specifically. once you’ve done that, set the frame delay back to 0.05 the way you did earlier. 

2. exporting

once you’re happy with how your gif looks, go to file > export > save for web (legacy). 

these are my export settings, but feel free to experiment with the menus where i have selective and diffusion selected, different settings work best for each gif. in general, most gifmakers only use selective/adaptive and diffusion/pattern because they generally work the best for tumblr. before saving, make sure your looping option is set to forever:

gif size for tumblr has a 10mb limit. my gif is under this, so i don’t need to make any changes, but if yours is over, you can either delete some frames from the beginning/end of your gif and/or adjust the height of the gif (width needs to stay 540px so your gif doesn’t get stretched/compressed on tumblr, but height is fair game). 

here's my final gif!

happy giffing, and please don’t hesitate to send me any questions you have! ♡

[aenslem]

a very foking detailed GIF tutorial you asked for and how I color my gifs

However, I color them individually, so there will be explanation of tools I choose instead of showing what settings I used for this specific gif in this tutorial.

I will go through entire process of how I create gifs, the process of gifmaking can be different for others and there is no obligation of how to create a gif. Basically, do it however you like and enjoy the process.

this is part I, part II is here\in reblogs.

First, you will need to prepare everything, you choose the moment you want to gif and make screencaps. I use mpv player to create them, here is a great tutorial on how to install it. So I won't go over it, just follow it and or use another player which allows to make screencaps, such as kmplayer.

Once you make screencaps go to photoshop - file - scripts - load files into stack - browse - select screencaps and upload them.

At this point I will also add that I use keyboard shortcuts a lot, you can set them up to your preference, that is much easier for me and might be for you too, and I am so used to them that I forget where are some settings. You can do it from edit - keyboard shortcuts, you may set up anything there.

You will have all screencaps uploaded into one file. Once I have it I change canvas/image size, I also remove 10 pixels from each side, because I hate that some files have that weird black line which looks awful on gifs. But that's up to you. Use proper dimensions for tumblr, that is important since your gifs will look 'not good' when you upload them. I will go with 540x500px this time. (correct dimensions for tumblr are 540px for big gifs, 268px for two gifs along each other and 177-178-177px for the three gifs together)

Go to images - image size (crtl+alt+i) and change the size.

After that I make animation, because without it we would not be able to convert all the screencaps into smart filters. Go to windows - timeline

you will have something like this by default

click on create frame animation - then on 4 horizontal lines which will open menu - make frames from layers

click on convert to video timeline (that 3 horizontal lines and 1 vertical line or whatever it is, right under the first layer) you will get something like this.

now, this will be animated. If you choose convert to video timeline right away it will not be animated.

Now, select all the layers - filters - convert to smart filters

You will have something like this, and if you play it - it will be animated anyway. That way you can edit ALL the screencaps at once.

I usually start with sharpening, settings may change according to the files I have, for some you will need more sharpening, for some less. I go with filters - sharpen - smart sharpen and usually that's enough

but I sometimes add more sharpening, just change radius to 0,2. So, repeat the action.

You will have it like this

and at any point of making gif you will be able to change settings for it, if after coloring it will look not as good as you wanted to.

I will not go into a lot of details about coloring for this gif, because does not matter how good the coloring on this gif will be, it won't work as good on another gif.

There is no right way to start coloring, you may start with curves, levels or selective colors depending on the screencaps you want to edit.

Well, this time I did start with layer - new adjustment layer - curves. (yeah, i guess by the end of the day we all do lmao) (Always use 'layer - new adjustment layer'. That's the only thing I suggest to remember when you color. ) Just to brighten gif a little bit, but you also can change colors with it.

those are not settings I used for this gif!

Curves have option to edit colors, just press RGB and you will see options for RED, GREEN, BLUE. Upper slider adds the said color, the slider at the bottom removes it. That's a great tool if you have a very red\yellow\blue\green scene, with those settings and moving sliders here and there you will be able to add the color you want, for red scene I suggest to use more green and blue, as well as for yellows but with less green. Just move them to see what fits your gif better.

there are also eyedrop tools which will help you to edit picture, with the first one you need to find the darkest part of your gif and click, it will adjust your picture according to it. If there's too much red, it will make it bluer, etc. The middle one is the one I use the most out of them, cos it changes the midtones, it's great if you have very yellow picture, just press the yellow part and it will make it bluer\greenish, depends on the picture, and then you can adjust it to make it look better. And the last one you can use to lighten picture as well, just find the brightest part of the picture and press it. It will adjust other colors accordingly.

I like to play with settings, I could add more darkness to the gif by levels, by selective colors making dark colors even darker, but sometimes I just use layer - new adjustment layer - black & white. Putting it on soft light blending mode and changing opacity. Idk, I like the effect :D Also, by using these, you will be able to darken part or lighten specific colors

so yeah, play around and figure out what is the best way for you.

after that I used layer - new adjustment layer - selective colors. I think this is one of my favorite tools out there, I love it, I usually end up with 30 selective color layers if I make a super complex gif :D

You can change colors with it, make them more vibrant, or less.

for each color you will have 'cyan, magenta, yellow and black' and by dragging sliders you can change colors, make them darker or lighter for the lovers of those paster gifs :D

But don't worry, that's not where I will go with the gif, so it will look better, i promise.

You know how much I love making blue even more blue. So I go with more selective color layers to enhance it.

You do not have to use just one, and you won't be able to make it with just one sometimes. So add as many as you like to get the result you want.

next is one of my favorites - layers - adjustment layers - levels

with it you can darken colors or lighten them, there's also auto, as well as on curves, which will find the most suitable settings for your picture.

I hardly ever change the middle slider, cos

nope.

so, we are at this part of the gif by dragging sliders.

next one I used is layers - adjustment layers - color balance. right now I will stop adding directory, this tutorial is already long enough, so most of the things are there in layers - adjustment layers.

Absolutely love it, most of settings do the same things but a little differently, this one changes colors but also entire picture, not just part of it. You have shadows, midtones and highlights

Each of them is really great when you have a yellow\red\blue\green picture to edit. And each of them has 3 sliders cyan\magenta\yellow.

You see, if you drags sliders the other way it will make picture more yellow.

END OF PART I

since tumblr

[sinful-mind-joyful-thoughts]

𝕿𝖜𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝕿𝖊𝖒𝖕𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 | 4

read chapter 1 - here [MASTERLIST]

screencaps and gifs: Pinterest

Pairing: dark!Joel Miller x Fem!reader

Warnings/tags: MDNI 18+, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, Auctioning people, Dom and Sub dynamics, Drinking, food, kissing, making out, possessiveness, cat calling, physical violence ( a single punch ), flirting, langire, bikinis, insucurity, praise, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, Oral F and M, Orgasums, Orgasum Denial, Pull out method, UNprotected sex wrap it before you tap it kids, THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTENT YOU CONSUME

Summary: Joel takes you on a birthday trip to say sorry for missing your birthday and it was oh so worth it in many different ways

WC: 5.0K

A/n: EnJOY

For notifications follow - @sinful-mind-joyful-fics

The airport buzzed with the typical hum of travelers, announcements echoing over the intercom. You clutched your boarding pass, trying to steady your nerves. The past few days had been a whirlwind, with Joel's sudden proposition to whisk you away to Miami as an apology for missing your birthday. It felt surreal, and a part of you was still grappling with the mixed emotions from your heated argument.

Joel walked beside you, his hand resting lightly on your lower back, guiding you through the terminal. His demeanor was calm and composed, a stark contrast to your swirling thoughts. He had been unusually attentive since that night, a stark contrast to the distant, busy man you had come to know. It was almost as if he was trying to make up for lost time.

As you approached the first-class lounge, you glanced at Joel. “First class, huh?” you remarked, trying to keep your tone light. “I didn’t know you were such a high roller.”

Joel smirked, handing the attendant your boarding passes. “Only the best for my girl,” he replied, his voice smooth and confident. “Consider it part of my apology.”

You felt a flutter in your stomach at his words but quickly pushed it down. There were still too many unresolved questions between you. As you settled into the plush seats of the first-class cabin, you couldn't help but marvel at the luxury. The seats were wide and comfortable, with ample legroom and a personal entertainment system. A flight attendant promptly offered you a glass of champagne, which you accepted gratefully.

Joel leaned in, his lips brushing your ear as he whispered, “I thought you could use a bit of pampering.”

You turned to look at him, studying his face. “Joel, this is amazing, but...”

He held up a hand, cutting you off gently. “No buts. Let’s just enjoy this trip, okay? We can talk about everything else later.”

You nodded, though a part of you still felt uneasy. “Okay. For now, let’s just enjoy it.”

As the plane took off, you glanced out the window, watching the world shrink below you. The view was breathtaking, and for a moment, you allowed yourself to get lost in the beauty of it all. Joel reached over, taking your hand in his, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. The gesture was comforting, and you found yourself relaxing into your seat.

Joel continued to hold your hand as the plane soared higher, the world below becoming a patchwork of greens and blues. His touch was steady, reassuring, but you couldn’t shake the questions swirling in your mind. After a while, Joel leaned closer, his voice low and soothing.

“We’re staying at a hotel right on the water,” he said, a hint of excitement in his tone. “You’ll love it. The view is incredible, and the beach is just a few steps away.”

You smiled, trying to match his enthusiasm. “That sounds amazing. I can’t wait to see it.”

Joel’s eyes sparkled as he continued, “And once we land, I want to take you shopping. Get you a proper birthday present.”

You hesitated, feeling a mix of gratitude and discomfort. “Joel, you don’t have to do that. This trip is already more than enough.”

He squeezed your hand gently, his expression serious. “I want to, though. I missed your birthday, and I want to make it up to you. Just let me do this.”

You sighed, the last remnants of your resistance melting away under his earnest gaze. “Alright, if you insist.”

Joel’s smile broadened, and he kissed your hand. “Good. You deserve to be spoiled.”

The rest of the flight passed in a comfortable silence, with both of you occasionally exchanging smiles and light touches. The tension from earlier seemed to have eased, replaced by a shared anticipation for the days ahead.

When the plane finally touched down in Miami, the warm, tropical air greeted you as you stepped off. Joel guided you through the airport with practiced ease, his hand never leaving the small of your back. A sleek black car awaited you outside, and soon you were on your way to the hotel.

As you settled into the backseat, Joel turned to you, his eyes filled with excitement. “So, any thoughts on what you’d like for your birthday present?”

You laughed softly, shaking your head. “I haven’t really thought about it. This trip is already such a gift.”

Joel smiled, his hand finding yours again. “Well, let’s see what catches your eye. I want to make sure you have something special to remember this birthday by.”

The drive to the hotel was scenic, the cityscape giving way to pristine beaches and shimmering water. When you arrived, you were awestruck by the elegance of the hotel. The building stood majestically against the backdrop of the ocean, its sleek lines and modern design a testament to luxury.

Joel checked you in, his demeanor confident and charming. Soon, you were riding the elevator to your suite, the anticipation building with each passing floor. When you finally stepped inside, the view took your breath away. Floor-to-ceiling windows offered an unobstructed panorama of the ocean, the waves crashing rhythmically against the shore.

“This is incredible,” you whispered, turning to Joel with wide eyes.

He grinned, clearly pleased with your reaction. “I’m glad you like it. Now, let’s get settled and then we can hit the shops.”

You spent a few moments exploring the suite, the plush furnishings and elegant decor making you feel like you had stepped into a dream. After freshening up, you rejoined Joel in the living area.

“Ready to go?” he asked, his eyes gleaming with excitement.

You nodded, a smile playing on your lips. “Ready.”

The shopping district was bustling with activity, the streets lined with high-end boutiques and charming cafes. Joel led you from store to store, his enthusiasm infectious. You found yourself relaxing, enjoying the experience more than you had anticipated.

After browsing through several shops, Joel finally stopped outside a jewelry store. “How about we take a look in here?” he suggested, his hand gently guiding you inside.

The store was filled with sparkling displays, each piece more beautiful than the last. Joel watched as you admired the jewelry, his expression thoughtful. After a while, he pointed to a delicate necklace adorned with a small, shimmering pendant.

“How about this one?” he asked, his voice soft.

You stared at the necklace, the elegant design catching the light in the most captivating way. “It’s beautiful,” you murmured, feeling a swell of emotion.

Joel smiled, signaling to the salesperson. “We’ll take it.”

As the necklace was carefully packaged, you turned to Joel, your eyes shining with gratitude. “Thank you, Joel. This means so much to me.”

He leaned in, his lips brushing against your cheek. “You’re welcome. And remember, this is just the beginning. I want to make sure every moment we spend together is special.”

As you both stepped out of the jewelry store, the delicate weight of the new necklace around your neck felt like a promise. Joel, ever the charmer, glanced down at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“You know,” he began, his tone playful, “now that you’ve got such a beautiful necklace, I think you need a bikini to match. After all, we’re right by the beach.”

You felt a flush creep up your cheeks. “A bikini?” you echoed, a hint of uncertainty in your voice.

Joel stopped and turned to face you, his expression sincere. “Absolutely. You’ll look amazing. Besides, I want to see you having fun in the sun, looking as stunning as you are.”

You bit your lip, feeling a mixture of shyness and excitement. “I don’t know, Joel. I’m not sure if I’m... you know, ready for that.”

He stepped closer, his hands resting gently on your hips. “Hey, listen to me. You’re beautiful, and you’re perfect just the way you are. Trust me on this. Let’s go find something that makes you feel as amazing as you look.”

His words melted away your insecurities, leaving a growing confidence in their place. “Alright,” you agreed, a smile tugging at your lips. “Let’s do it.”

Joel’s eyes lit up with delight as he guided you to a nearby boutique that specialized in swimwear. The store was a vibrant oasis of colors and styles, each bikini more alluring than the last. The racks were lined with shimmering fabrics and intricate patterns, and you couldn’t help but feel a little thrill of anticipation as you browsed.

Joel stayed close, his hand occasionally brushing against yours. He offered suggestions with a playful smirk, holding up bikinis that ranged from flirty to downright daring. His presence was a steady reassurance, his confidence in your beauty making you feel bold.

“What about this one?” he asked, holding up a red bikini with a cheeky grin.

You laughed, shaking your head. “Maybe something a little less... fiery.”

After selecting a few bikinis to try on, you made your way to the fitting rooms. Joel waited outside, his playful demeanor turning more serious as he saw you hesitate.

“Go on,” he urged gently, his eyes locking with yours. “I can’t wait to see how stunning you look.”

You took a deep breath and stepped into the fitting room. The first bikini you tried on was a bright, tropical pattern that made you feel both bold and self-conscious. Gathering your courage, you stepped out to show Joel.

His eyes widened in appreciation, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Wow,” he said softly, his gaze lingering. “You look incredible.”

Your heart swelled at his reaction, and the insecurities you had been feeling seemed to vanish. With each new bikini you tried on, Joel’s supportive comments boosted your confidence. He flirted shamelessly, making you laugh and blush with every compliment.

“Turn around,” he requested with a wink as you modeled a floral bikini. “I need the full view.”

You playfully spun, feeling more confident with every step. Eventually, you settled on a sleek, navy blue two-piece that made you feel both elegant and sexy.

“This one,” you decided, turning to Joel with a newfound assurance.

He nodded, his smile warm and approving. “Perfect choice. You look absolutely stunning.”

Joel wrapped his arm around your shoulders before making his way to the cashier to pay “I can’t wait to see you in that at the beach,” he murmured, his voice filled with genuine anticipation. “You’ll be the most beautiful woman there.”

You felt a surge of confidence and happiness, Joel’s words making you feel cherished. “Only if you promise to wear those swim trunks I picked out,” you teased back.

He laughed, a deep, infectious sound. “Deal. Anything for you.”

As you browsed through the store waiting for joel to finish paying, still feeling the warmth of Joel’s compliments, a guy around your age approached. He had an arrogant smirk and a cocky swagger.

"Hey there," he drawled, his eyes shamelessly raking over your body. "I saw you trying on those bikinis earlier. You looked incredible."

You forced a polite smile, hoping he would take the hint and leave. "Thanks."

But he didn’t. Instead, he leaned in closer, his breath smelling faintly of alcohol. "Your boyfriend took his sweet time picking those out, huh? You should ditch the old man and find someone who knows how to appreciate you properly."

You took a step back, feeling a shiver of discomfort. "Joel appreciates me just fine, thanks."

The guy chuckled, shaking his head with a condescending grin. "Come on, how old is he? Like, twice your age? You deserve better. Someone who won’t leave you hanging while they shop for you. I mean, come on, you can do so much better."

His eyes lingered on your body, and you felt your skin crawl under his gaze. "Seriously, you need someone who knows how to have fun. Not some grandpa who's gonna put you to sleep by nine."

Your patience snapped, and you opened your mouth to retort, but at that moment, Joel returned. His eyes immediately took in the situation, narrowing as he saw the guy standing too close to you.

"Is everything alright here?" Joel asked, his voice steady but with a dangerous edge.

The guy straightened up, smirking as he looked Joel up and down. "Just complimenting your girl. She's quite the catch."

Joel's jaw tightened, and the tension in the air thickened. "Thanks for the compliment. But she's with me, and I'm more than capable of appreciating her."

The guy shrugged, clearly not intimidated. "Alright, man. Whatever you say." With one last leer in your direction, he sauntered off.

But Joel wasn’t done. His jealousy and protective instincts flared. "Hey!" Joel called out, his voice a low growl.

The guy turned back, an eyebrow raised. "What now, old man?"

Without warning, Joel’s fist connected with the guy’s jaw in a swift, powerful punch. The guy staggered back, clutching his face in shock and pain.

"You stay the hell away from her," Joel snarled, his eyes blazing with anger.

People around the store stared some gasping in surprise. The guy scrambled to his feet, muttering curses, and quickly retreated, clearly not wanting to escalate the situation further.

Joel turned back to you, his breathing heavy. "You okay?" he asked, his voice softer now, but his eyes still dark with lingering fury.

You nodded, a bit shaken but relieved. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you."

Joel wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close. "Let’s get out of here."

You were in shock as you watched Joel punch the guy. A flurry of emotions swirled inside you—relief, gratitude, but also anger. As Joel guided you out of the store and into a waiting taxi, you couldn't hold back any longer.

"Joel, what the hell was that?" you demanded, sliding into the back seat and looking at him with wide eyes.

Joel shut the door behind him, his jaw still tense. "He was being a creep, talking to you like that. What was I supposed to do? Let him disrespect you?"

"You didn't have to punch him," you snapped, your voice shaking slightly. "Violence isn't the answer to everything."

Joel leaned in closer, his eyes dark and intense. "Sometimes, it is. When it comes to you, I'll do whatever it takes to protect you."

The taxi driver glanced back nervously, clearly uncomfortable with the tension in the car. Joel noticed and lowered his voice, though the intensity didn't fade. "You need to understand something. You're mine. And no one gets to talk to you or look at you like that. No one."

You felt a shiver run down your spine at his possessive tone. "Joel, that's not—"

"No," he cut you off, his eyes boring into yours. "You need to hear this. I won’t let anyone come between us. I’ve been patient, trying to respect your space and your pace, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stand by while some punk thinks he can make a move on you."

You looked away, trying to process his words. Part of you was scared, but another part was drawn to the fierce protectiveness in his voice.

Joel reached out, gripping your chin and turning your face back to him. "Look at me," he commanded softly. "You're with me now. And that means you're mine. Understand?"

You nodded slowly, the intensity of his gaze making it hard to think straight. "I understand."

He leaned back, seemingly satisfied, but his grip on your hand remained firm. "Good. Now let's go enjoy our weekend. I want you to remember how much I care about you. And if that means being a little possessive, so be it."

The rest of the taxi ride was tense and silent, Joel's words echoing in your mind. As you pulled up to the hotel, Joel paid the driver and helped you out of the car, his hand never leaving yours. The grand entrance of the hotel loomed before you, a stark contrast to the turmoil inside you.

Inside the hotel lobby, Joel’s demeanor shifted slightly, his possessiveness morphing into a more subtle, but still palpable, protectiveness. He led you to the elevator, his hand firmly on your lower back.

As the elevator doors closed, he looked down at you, his expression softening just a bit. "We’re going to have a great weekend," he murmured. "I want to make up for missing your birthday. Trust me, okay?"

You nodded, feeling a mixture of apprehension and curiosity about what the weekend would bring. "Okay, Joel."

The elevator dinged, and the doors slid open, revealing the luxurious hallway leading to your room. Joel guided you down the corridor, his hand still a constant presence on your back. As you entered the room

Joel unlocked the door to your room, ushering you inside with a small smile. The suite was luxurious, with a stunning view of the ocean and a king-sized bed dominating the space. The tension from earlier seemed to dissipate slightly as you took in your surroundings.

“This place is incredible,” you said, trying to focus on the positive.

Joel nodded, setting your bags down gently. “Only the best for you.”

You walked over to the large window, gazing out at the turquoise water stretching out to the horizon. The view was breathtaking, and for a moment, you allowed yourself to relax. Joel came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder.

“I want you to feel special this weekend,” he murmured. “I’m sorry about earlier. I just... can’t stand the thought of anyone else trying to take you away from me.”

You turned in his arms, looking up at him. “I understand. Let’s just enjoy our time here, okay?”

He nodded, brushing a kiss against your forehead. “Deal. Let’s unpack and get settled in.”

You moved to your suitcase, unzipping it and flipping it open. As you began to pull out clothes, you noticed something odd. The outfits were all skimpy, revealing, and definitely not what you had packed. Your cheeks flushed as you pulled out a barely-there bikini, realizing that Faith had repacked your entire suitcase. A note fell out of one of the dresses, and you quickly picked it up.

"Thought you’d need these more than your usual stuff. Have fun, birthday girl! – Faith"

You sighed, shaking your head with a small smile. “Of course, Faith.”

Joel raised an eyebrow as he looked over your shoulder. “What’s up?”

“Faith repacked my suitcase,” you explained, holding up the note. “Looks like she had different plans for my wardrobe.”

Joel chuckled, his eyes gleaming with amusement as he took in the array of outfits. “Well, she certainly knows how to pick them. I think you’ll look amazing in every single one.”

You rolled your eyes playfully, but his words boosted your confidence. “I’m sure you do.”

Joel leaned in, his voice dropping to a low, seductive murmur. “Why don’t you try one on for me now?”

You felt a shiver of excitement mixed with nervousness. “Alright, but no peeking until I’m done.”

He grinned, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “I’ll be good, I promise.”

You gathered a few pieces and headed into the bathroom to change. As you slipped into a delicate lace lingerie set, you couldn’t help but feel a rush of anticipation. You took a deep breath, smoothing your hair before stepping back into the room.

Joel’s eyes darkened with desire as he looked you up and down. “You look stunning,” he said, his voice husky.

You blushed, feeling both empowered and slightly shy under his intense gaze. “Thank you.”

He crossed the room in a few quick strides, pulling you into his arms. “You have no idea what you do to me,” he whispered, his lips brushing against your ear.

The air between you crackled with tension as Joel’s hands roamed your back, tracing the delicate lines of the lingerie. Just as you were about to lean in for a deeper kiss, you felt his grip tighten.

You could feel the intensity of his desire as his hands roamed your back, tracing the delicate lines of the lingerie. His touch was electric, sparking a fire inside you. Your heart raced, a mix of excitement and nervousness coursing through your veins.

Joel’s lips found yours, the kiss deep and passionate, filled with an urgency that took your breath away. He guided you backward, each step bringing you closer to the bed. The world outside seemed to disappear, leaving just the two of you in this moment.

You felt the edge of the bed hit the back of your legs, and Joel gently lowered you onto the soft mattress. He hovered over you, his eyes locked onto yours with an intensity that made your pulse quicken. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, his voice a low, seductive growl.

His hands moved to your shoulders, slowly sliding the straps of the lingerie down your arms. His touch was gentle yet possessive, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. You arched your back slightly, pressing yourself against him, craving more of his touch.

Joel’s lips followed the path of his hands, kissing the newly exposed skin. He took his time, savoring each moment, each taste. You could feel the heat of his desire building, matching your own. The room was filled with the sound of your mingled breaths, the tension between you almost palpable.

His hands continued their exploration, moving lower, caressing the curves of your body. You let out a soft moan as he found sensitive spots, his touch sending waves of pleasure through you. “Joel,” you whispered, your voice breathless with need.

He looked up at you, his eyes dark with passion. “I want you,” he said, his voice husky and full of promise. “All of you.”

You nodded, unable to find the words, your body responding to his every touch. Joel leaned in, capturing your lips in another searing kiss. His hands roamed freely now, exploring every inch of you, his touch both demanding and tender.

As the intensity between you grew, you felt a sudden rush of emotions. Desire, anticipation, and a hint of fear all mingled together. Joel seemed to sense your hesitation, his movements slowing. He pulled back slightly, his eyes searching yours. “Are you okay?” he asked, his voice softening with concern.

You took a deep breath, your heart pounding in your chest. His concern was palpable, and you appreciated his sensitivity to your emotions. Meeting his gaze, you nodded slowly, your voice barely above a whisper. “Yes, I’m fine… Don’t stop.”

Joel’s eyes darkened with desire as he registered your words. Without a word, he closed the distance between you, capturing your lips in a hungry kiss. His touch reignited the fire between you, sending sparks of electricity through your body. His hands resumed their exploration, his touch both gentle and commanding.

You moaned softly against his lips, the sound mingling with his own low growl of pleasure. The room seemed to fade away as you lost yourself in the sensation of Joel’s lips on yours, his hands tracing the curves of your body with a familiarity that sent shivers down your spine.

Joel moved his hands to caress your breasts under your barely-there lace bra, both of you grinding into each other. His bulge pressed perfectly against where you needed him most, pulling a whimper from the back of your throat. Joel smirked at you, "Let's get these clothes off."

He leaned back, standing on his knees over you as you propped yourself up on your elbows to watch him. He peeled off his shirt, revealing his chest, the small hairs lining his torso and leading down towards his pants. His stomach curved slightly, and all you wanted to do was reach out and touch him, but something in you said to wait. You unclasped your bra, revealing your upper body to him. You didn't feel anxious or unsure; you were ready. Joel grabbed your hands, holding them above your head.

Joel’s kisses trailed down your neck, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. Your fingers tangled in his hair, urging him closer to your breasts without having to say a word. Joel began to suck on your breast, the warmth of his mouth overtaking you as you arched into him. He pinched your hard nipples before pulling away to take off his pants. You moved to do the same, but he stopped you.

"I’ll do that," he said, making you blush as he finished taking off his pants and boxers, revealing his dick, the tip already dripping with pre-cum. He was well-trimmed, and his dick was so thick that your mind wandered, blushing at the thought of him inside you. He climbed back onto the bed and went straight to kissing your stomach, moving your body with his rough, calloused hands in every way he pleased to make sure every kiss was felt deep inside you.

He kissed your lower stomach and moved to spread your legs over his shoulders before lowering you back onto the bed. After he pulled off your panties with such skill, you barely felt them come off. He placed a kiss on your clit, making you grab the sheets below you. He wrapped his hands around your thighs, pushing his face deeper into your pussy as he ate you like a starved man. You moaned over and over, your eyes rolling back as he dropped one of your legs, never moving his head from your clit as he inserted one of his large fingers into your pussy. You gasped at the feeling as he worked his finger, adding another and starting to scissor you open. You grabbed at his head and started to grind into him, your moans growing louder as he began to finger you faster until you convulsed, your legs shaking as you came on his face.

You began to catch your breath and pulled Joel up from between your legs, pulling him into a feverish kiss. You could taste yourself on his tongue as you kissed. He pulled back to breathe, finally looking into your eyes with a hungry lust. You gave him a reassuring nod as he got ready to insert himself.

He rubbed the tip of his dick up and down your clit, gathering some wetness. He spit into his hand to add lubricant as well, then guided his dick into you. The stretch burned at first, making you hiss and bite your lip, but as he continued, his dick felt like magic. He used his thumb to rub small circles on your clit. "It's okay, just get used to the feeling."

After a few moments, Joel started to move his dick in slow, deliberate movements. You gasped and moaned with every thrust. With his pace quickening, your moans became more common. "Shit..." he muttered under his breath as he held your legs up. You let out a sharp moan as he hit a spot that made you see stars. He deepened his strokes, hitting that sweet spot with every movement. You started to cry a little at the pleasure, tapping his hand that was holding your leg.

"More..." you gasped. "I'm gonna cum."

Joel quickened his strokes. "Say you’ll move in with me," Joel's question caught you off guard.

"Wh—" you tried to sit up, but he folded you in half, slowing his strokes. He pulled his dick almost completely out of you. "Say you’ll move in with me, and I’ll let you cum." His words sounded so imposing as he used his forearms to hold your legs flesh to your chest. "Say it and you can cum." He started to rub your clit with his thumb in slow, teasing circles. Your mouth opened in the shape of an O. You wanted—no, needed more.

"Say it," Joel almost removed his dick, but you stopped him, grabbing whatever skin you could.

"Yes, yes!" you sounded desperate, and Joel let out a deep chuckle at your words as he began to pound into you deeper than you’d ever felt. It didn’t take long for that welcomed feeling to wash over you. You clutched down on his dick and groaned as you came. Joel didn’t stop his movements; he slowed them and helped you ride down your orgasm as he started his. He pulled out and grabbed your hand after spreading open your legs. He used your juices remaining on his dick as lube, cupping your hand in his to rub him off until he came all over your stomach.

Joel leaned in, kissing you softly, his lips gentle and tender against yours. The intensity from moments before had given way to a softer intimacy, and you felt your heart race for an entirely different reason. "Go use the bathroom," he whispered, brushing a strand of hair away from your face. "I'll be right here."

You nodded, slipping out of bed and making your way to the bathroom. As you closed the door behind you, the reality of what had just happened began to sink in. Leaning against the sink, you stared at your reflection in the mirror. The flush on your cheeks, the wildness in your eyes, it all told the story of the night’s passion. You splashed some cool water on your face, trying to clear your head.

As you washed up, you couldn't help but replay the events in your mind. The thrill, the unexpected intensity, the way Joel had taken control and yet had been so attentive to your needs. It was overwhelming, exhilarating, and a little terrifying. This was a new chapter, one you hadn't seen coming.

After a few moments, you wrapped yourself in a robe and stepped out of the bathroom. Joel was sitting on the bed, the TV now on, casting a soft glow around the room. He looked up as you entered, his eyes warm and inviting.

"Feel better?" he asked, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

"Yeah," you replied, sitting down beside him. The comfort of the robe and his presence was grounding.

"Good," he said, leaning back against the headboard. "Do you want to order room service? We could use some food after all that."

You chuckled softly, the normalcy of his question a stark contrast to the whirlwind of emotions you had just experienced. "Yeah, that sounds nice."

[holdingforgeneralhugs]

Bitter Pill to Swallow

Chapter 25 (Chapter Masterlist)

Thank you as always to @tvserie-s-world for her lovely screencaps

A very special shoutout to @wecomrades for offering to be my editor❤️ Your time and skills are appreciated more than you'll ever know. This one's dedicated to you 💕

"Well, why don't you fire on them when you see them, commander?"

"Because, when we fire on them, they just fire back. Blimey, it was a nightmare the other day."

Valerie had to turn away and stifle a laugh when she saw the look of horrified disbelief on Dick's face. The 506th had been moved to Driel, relieving the British unit who'd been stationed by the riverbanks. Dick had brought Valerie and Lipton to talk to the British Commander and get an idea of what to expect.

"I see. Well, thank you for the intel, commander," Dick replied tersely. "Now, we'd better go and get ourselves set up on the bank."

"Godspeed to you, chaps," the British Commander saluted them as they left.

Dick was shaking his head in disapproval as they walked away, and Valerie could contain her laughter no longer. Dick tutted in disapproval as it bubbled out of her.

"It's not funny, Val," Dick admonished. "They've been way too relaxed in their approach to Holland since before we even got here, and it's cost us dearly."

"I know, Dick, I know. But you gotta admit, it's pretty laughable that they don't fire on the Germans because they fire back when they do. They do realise it's a war they signed up for, not a tea party, right?"

"You do have to laugh at how ridiculous it is," Lipton agreed, "but this whole thing is shaping up to be a real shitshow. I can't wait to get the hell outta Holland, and I know the rest of the men feel the same."

"Well, for now we're stuck here," Dick sighed. "We just have to make the best of it and try to push through to Arnhem. Easy is being kept on the right flank, for now. The line bends at an acute angle there, so Moose will only be able to have two platoons on the line and one in reserve. Make sure he's aware of that."

"Don't worry, Dick, Easy can handle it," Valerie assured him. "Ain't that right, Lip?"

"Absolutely," he agreed. "And we won't be too scared to fire across the river either."

Dick huffed out a small laugh at that, but his face quickly returned to the strained look Valerie had seen him sporting more often than not in the last few weeks. Desk work didn't suit him, and it was plain to be seen to anyone who knew him. She'd seen him peering out his office window when they'd been celebrating the success of Operation Pegasus. She'd been tempted to go up and check on him, but after the awkward way they'd ended things the night before, she'd thought better of it.

"Anyway, we won't get anything useful done standing around here," Dick sighed, backing away. "I need to find Nix, and you need to get yourselves set up on the line. Make sure to give 'em hell."

-----------

"I swear, if I don't get out of this foxhole, I'm gonna lose it."

"Yeah, and if I hear Arnhem Annie telling me to cross the river one more time, I'm gonna lose it."

The weather had been far from ideal the moment they'd set up in Driel. It had barely stopped raining for more than a few hours, and they were confined to their foxholes during daylight hours because the Germans had the high ground across the river. They were cold, wet, hungry, and morale was starting to wane. Valerie had taken to crawling between the foxholes, both to keep the boys' spirits up and to make sure they were alright. That was how she'd found herself tucked up between Gordon and Mellet one rainy afternoon.

"Look on the brightside, boys," Valerie chuckled, "at least they're playing American music for us in between all those surrender messages. And the supply guys have started bringing Stars and Stripes for us. We've got a regular home from home set up over here."

"Oh, yeah," Gordon snorted, "If it weren't for all the rain, we could almost pretend it was a holiday."

"Could be worse, I suppose," Mellet chimed in. "We could be snowed under. Now, that would be a nightmare."

"At least we'd be somewhat dry," Gordon groused. "I'd rather be cold and half dry than soaked to the skin in a mucky foxhole."

"Alright, I've had just about enough of you two complanin','' Valerie sighed, pulling herself over the lip of the foxhole and crouching down. "Try to stay positive boys. I know it's hard out here, but we're not the toughest damn company in the battalion for nothing."

As Valerie got back to the CP, she was stopped in her tracks by Heffron.

"Lieutenant Landry, ma'am," Heffron started, "Lieutenant Heyliger sent me to find you. He wants you back at Easy CP, quick as you can, ma'am."

Valerie thanked him and sent him back to his foxhole, before making her way to find Heyliger. She moved quickly, worried that there was something wrong. It wasn't completely out of the ordinary to be called to CP, but they didn't make a habit of calling her unless it was urgent.

"I'm here, what's happenin'? Is everythin' alright?" She called, roughly shoving the tarp door aside as she entered the CP. Heyliger was waiting for her inside, his arms crossed.

"Yeah Valerie, everything's fine, don't worry." Heyliger assured her. "But, it's been noticed that you've been refusing hot meals and I'm worried about you. You need to eat, Valerie, to keep your strength up out there."

"Is that all this is?" She sighed, exasperated. "I'll eat with my boys when the third rotates back into reserve. Until then, I'm fine. It's not fair for me to come back for a feed, while the boys are out there with nothing but soggy rations. It ain't right."

"I know, it's not right," Heyliger agreed. "If I could find a way to get hot food out to all the men, I would. But I can't. I can only get it to my officers, and it's important you take it. We may be at an impasse now, but we don't know when they'll strike. When they do, the men need you at your best, and you can't be at your best if you're not eating enough."

Valerie knew he had a point, despite how much she disagreed with him. She'd been refusing meals for days while they'd been out on the line. She'd also been offering most of her rations to some of the hungrier looking replacements. Thankfully, Heyliger didn't seem to know that, or he'd chew her out good and proper for it. All in all, she was starving, but she was willing to stick it out with her platoon for as long as it took.

"Moose, I... "

"Don't argue with me, Valerie," he cut in, shaking his head at her. "I'm ordering you to battalion CP for a hot meal. For once in your life, don't be stubborn. Just go and do it."

She rolled her eyes in exasperation, but she knew he wouldn't let it go. "Fine, fine, I'm going," she grumbled, holding her hands up in defeat. "I don't think it's fair, but if you're really gonna order me to go then I have no other choice, do I."

"No, you don't. Now, get going."

Valerie left with a sigh, trudging reluctantly to the battalion CP. She had to admit to herself, the smell of the food wafting from the mess as she approached was mouth watering. She grabbed a large serving of spaghetti, and was just about to tuck in when Dick dropped into the seat across from her.

"About time you came to get a hot meal," he commented, disapproval evident in his tone. "I haven't seen you around here once since we dug in."

"You have too much time on your hands, if you're keeping track of who comes and goes for dinner, Dick," she quipped, grinning as his cheeks turned red.

"Well... I just... I don't like the idea of you starving yourself out there on the front line. You need to keep your strength up out there," he stuttered, the pink stain on his cheeks deepening.

"I'm fine, Dick. There's no need to worry yourself over me," she assured, shaking her head. "And, my point still stands. They clearly need to give you more paperwork if you're able to track who comes and goes from the mess hall."

"Oh, paperwork is the one thing I'm not lacking in," he grumbled. Valerie paused, taking a moment to survey him. He had a furrow between his brows that seemed to have made permanent residence there lately, and his fingers were tapping an incessant rhythm on the table. In all the time Valerie had known Dick, she was sure she'd never seen him fidget.

"Is everythin' alright, Dick?" She asked gently. "You haven't really been yourself since you moved up to battalion."

"I'm fine... it's... fine," he sighed. "It's just... not what I expected it to be like."

"Well, yeah, I'm sure there's less action, but... "

"There's no action to speak of," he interrupted, shaking his head morosely. "All I do is administrative work. I miss being out there with you, making decisions and getting involved. It feels less like a promotion and more like a punishment at this point."

Valerie nodded, her eyes softening in sympathy. Dick had been in the thick of everything since Toccoa, aside from his brief stint with a clipboard back in Aldbourne. He was good at making quick decisions, and he always led from the front. She'd seen that back at Brecourt, and at the Island too. He enjoyed the satisfaction of a well executed plan, and she could see how being deprived of all that would start to wear him down.

"I get that," she agreed. "You get used to the adrenaline of bein' on the front line every day, and when that's suddenly not there anymore it can take some gettin' used to. Give it time, Dick, you'll adjust."

"Thanks, Val," he replied gratefully, his lips tilting up slightly at the corner. "It's nice to talk to someone who actually understands. Most wouldn't."

"Well," she chuckled, "I'm not most."

"No, you certainly are not."

Valerie's heart started to pound erratically from the fond look he was giving her. Her thoughts inadvertently flitted back to that moment in his office, where he'd given her a similar look and she'd been sure he was going to kiss her. Her palms clammed up as the memory resurfaced, and she could feel the heat rising up her neck.

"Well, on the brightside," she said after a beat, "at least you get to spend plenty of time with Nix."

"Yeah," Dick laughed, looking away from her, "I'm not sure yet if that's a blessing or a curse."

----------

Valerie was discussing movements with Welsh at the Easy CP when they heard the gunshot pierce through the silence of the night. Their heads snapped up in unison, and they shared a concerned look.

"Jesus, Harry, that sounded close," Valerie breathed shakily. "They've hardly decided to break the stand-off with an ambush, have they?"

"Doesn't sound like it," Harry disagreed, "there was only one shot. But, Dick and Moose said they were coming down here to do an inspection, so we better go and make sure they're not in trouble."

Valerie grabbed her rifle and swung it over her shoulder, before following Welsh out into the night. As they jogged down the narrow path, they started to hear a commotion up ahead of them. They slowed, pulling their rifles into their hands and creeping forward cautiously. The shadows started to solidify as they got closer to the noise, and it was clear that there was no enemy ambush going on.

"Dick, Moose, is that you?" Welsh murmured, swinging his rifle back onto his shoulder as they approached the pair of shadows.

"Yeah, Harry, it's us. Moose is down, some jumpy private shot him because he forgot the passphrase," Dick called back.

"Jesus, is he bad?" Valerie asked, closing the distance between them and falling to her knees beside Dick.

"His shoulder is a clean wound, but his calf is pretty cut up," Dick huffed. "We need to get him back to battalion quick, give him the best chance we can of making it."

"We gotta give him morphine, he's in agony," Welsh said as he started wrapping bandages around Heyliger's calf. "He won't make it back to battalion unless we give him some morphine to dull the pain."

Everything after that was a blur, and they were all so frantic in trying to save Heyliger that they became erratic in their actions. Valerie left Dick and Welsh as they picked Moose up to carry him, running ahead to call an ambulance and a medic.

"Gene, there's an emergency," she called loudly as she ran into the med-bay. Roe dropped the bandages he'd been carrying and ran straight over to her, worry evident in his eyes.

"What's happened, are you alright?" He asked, giving her a frantic once over.

"I'm fine, it's Moose," she replied, "he's been shot in the shoulder and the calf. His calf is pretty bad, and he's lost a lot of blood. Dick and Harry are carrying him up now but he'll need an ambulance to be evacuated."

Roe sprang into action without another word. He called for the ambulance driver to get ready to go, then went to gather the supplies he'd need for the journey. Valerie followed close behind him as he rushed out to the ambulance and jumped into the back.

"Tell the driver where they are, chérie, we'll meet them halfway. We gotta give him the best chance we can."

Valerie and Roe sat in anxious silence as the driver sped down the path. She was so caught up in her worry for Moose that she jerked violently against the back door of the ambulance when the driver stopped suddenly. Roe pushed past her and opened the door quickly, turning and pulling the stretcher out with him. Valerie jumped out behind him, searching to see where she could step in to help.

"Valerie said he's lost a lot of blood," Roe said as he grabbed Heyliger and helped the others put him on the stretcher. "You did the right thing bandaging him up to stem the blood flow. Have you given him morphine? I don't see any syringes, where are they?"

"Uh... Jesus, I... I'm not sure," Welsh stuttered.

"Could have been two or three, we didn't... "

"Two or three?" Roe exclaimed, his nostrils flaring. "Jesus, you could've goddamn killed him. You'll be lucky if he survives as it is after that. What were you thinkin'?"

"We didn't know what to do, he was in so much pain, we... " Dick said frantically

"Well, you are grown ups! You are officers, you oughta know!" Roe shouted, glaring at them as he loaded Heyliger into the ambulance and slammed the doors closed. Valerie, Dick, and Welsh watched in astonishment as the ambulance sped up and left them there, the silence echoing in the night around them. She had never seen Roe get that angry, not in all the years she had known him.

"He's right," Dick croaked, "it was so stupid to give him that much morphine. But he was in agony, and I just... "

"It's alright, Dick," Valerie assured, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "You did your best, given the circumstances and the shock."

"It's not alright," he groaned, shaking his head in disappointment. "We could have killed him with a dose that high. I should have kept my head and handled it better."

"It's not your fault, Dick, we just panicked," Welsh sighed sadly.

"He's gonna make it," Valerie assured as confidently as she could. "Gene will take good care of him on the way to the aid station."

"If he even makes it to the aid station," Dick grumbled. "It'll be a miracle if he does."

"Dick, don't be... "

"You two better get back to Easy, tell them they've lost another CO," he cut in tersely, resentment clear in his voice and demeanour. "I'll probably need to write a report on this, so I better get back. I'll see you both tomorrow."

Valerie watched him go, his usual aura of self assurance replaced by sagging shoulders and clenched fists. If anything happened to Heyliger, he would blame himself. He always took it hard when he lost men under his command, and this would be no different. Part of her wanted to follow him, to make him see that it wasn't his fault and he'd done his best. She knew she shouldn't, though, that he'd probably prefer some time alone to process the whole ordeal.

"C'mon Val, we better head back," Welsh said quietly, breaking her from her thoughts. She took one last glance at Dick's retreating frame before turning and heading back to the Easy CP with Welsh, neither of them uttering another word.

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