#three years into a pandemic and you have learned nothing ?? lol

[sanremengoni]

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[aubins]

TOA Anniversary Munday

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

Name: darcy, but i also go by qiu!

Pronouns: they/he

Birthday (no year): january 9th

Where are you from? What is your time zone? sea & gmt+8

How long is your roleplay experience? god who knows HAHA not me i fear

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? .........kik..........and then amino when i really got into it a bit more lmfao

How were you introduced to TOA? through the heart & soul ad on twitter!

Do you have any pets? unfortunately not i must live vicariously through family & friends

What is your favorite time of year and why? i do love the -ber months generally. it's nice to have cooler weather as someone who lives in a tropical country though it's not by much these days i fear

What is your IRL occupation? i'm a full-time university student atm studying psychology!

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? writing of course but for less obvious answers: piano, photography, badminton, archery, history, mathematics, languages, etc etc i like learning basically haha

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? 13 sentinels, somnium files, life is strange, genshin impact, honkai: star rail, zenless zone zero, pokemon. prosekai sometimes. and i love love the ace attorney series so much miles edgeworth among us is the funniest shit i've ever seen

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: fairy type! and it's both mimikyu & ditto really i couldn't pick but i think i said ditto last year so i will say mimikyu this year haha

Tell us some funfacts and trivia about yourself! i used to do international math competitions when i was younger! haven't done since the pandemic but they were good fun i do love math & competition haha so put them together i'm bound to enjoy myself

How did you get into Fire Emblem? my brother bought fe3h & i decided to play it too. i simply never made my way out of that rabbit hole

What Fire Emblem games have you played? fe11, fe12, fe16 (+ hopes), & fe17 + i've watched playthroughs of tellius & sov! nothing much different from last year except i've since watched a playthrough of awakening as well. still haven't finished my actual awakening playthrough but one day...

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: i said fe3h for my first last year but i think it might have actually been heroes now that i'm really thinking about it LOL not seriously in the slightest though i'm p sure i dropped it after the first few days until i properly got into fire emblem. don't have much of a favorite but i enjoy 3hopes purely because musou gameplay tickles a very specific part of my brain

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! yuri, alear, est, shez, and lucina

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! yuri. to no one's suprise least of all my own but also the whole ashen wolves house really. you could say i really like those guys in particular

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 nope

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays? - Three Houses: claude & yuri- Engage: gave the pact ring to veyle my first playthrough then reset it after. honestly i don't know though maybe gregory or timerra

Favorite Fire Emblem class? i like mage cannoneer. funny guys

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? dancer except i play you a silly tune on my keyboard. high speed & dexterity and ok magic stats then everything else is probably dogshit LMFAO

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? fear the deer!!!

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? - Boons: sword, reason - Banes: axes, faith, heavy armor - Budding Talent: bow

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? solm is my favorite but i'd probably want to live in firene

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔 separate letters

Current TOA muses: just this guy right here

Past TOA muses? marianne, caeda, est, kvasir, clarisse, & timerra! if there's been anyone else i'm very sorry to have forgotten you haha

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? miss marianne von edmund :softsmile: anyway probably not & she's in good hands now besides

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? i'm sure i do but i wouldn't be able to name it myself haha but i like to think i tend to have some kind of variety in character archetypes and tropes i enjoy writing

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? if i like them enough to put in the effort i could write most anyone i think

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? anything that significantly alters the relationship between two characters. even better if it's for the worse really i do enjoy antagonistic relationships. but yeah i loooove developing relationships between muses. especially with a muse that barely trusts anyone besides themself. yuri never does what i want them anyway to do so it's great for me, really

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? i would really love to write yuri during their time as a student at the officers academy. or an au where they are a student at the officers academy in present time. i'd like to explore their role as count rowe's “son” more in depth one day as one of if not their longest lasting identity (excluding their actual one obviously LOL). less specific but i just love aus in general i would love to do more aus

Favorite TOA-related memories? est & sirius getting their attacks redirected at one another and whiffing all of them always makes me laugh. the harmony lance phalanx strats were also funny i do think fondly of that arena. happyland was really fun though one of my favorite events so far for sure :] i blow a kiss to north island yuri's home away from home & east island week 4

Present or past tense? present tense is my general go to for roleplay but i don't mind either or

Normal size text, small text, no preference? small text is easier for me to parse personally but i don't have any preference from my partners

Got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 not so much delusions as they are old muses but i do mourn that i never quite got kvasir & timerra off the ground as much as i'd have liked to. if i ever find the time i'd love to revisit both one day. shez is also a constant plague upon my mind i just love a purple guy what can i say

[not-poignant]

hiya pia! I just saw your new puppy on Instagram!! congrats, he's so cute! I was just wondering, is he a rescue?

cuddles to him and Maybe 🤗

Hi anon,

He's not a rescue! We've always had rescue cats, which is actually part of the reason we can't get a rescue dog, lol. I'm about to talk a lot about it, so get ready! Lol

So firstly, in Western Australia, poodle x rescue puppies don't really exist at all in rescue organisations , and Glen and I are both allergic to highly shedding dogs as well as dogs with very short hair, and we needed a trainable / biddable puppy because we have a cat with a lot of behavioural issues. We've had to litter test each litter of puppies we've met with to see which ones were suitable / not suitable with our allergy issues.

Unlike other places in the world, poodles are actually very hard to find here, and as someone who's had my eyes on rescue organisations on and off for 10 years I can say with a lot of confidence we were never going to find a non-shedding puppy or dog without significant behavioural issues in a rescue. It was nearly impossible before the pandemic, and it's been impossible since.

Western Australia has a dog breed bottleneck, because before frozen sperm existed, most people had to pay around $10,000 to get a new dog of any kind because of the flight fees. On top of that, we have the strictest quarantine in the world. Any dogs to introduce new genetic lineages into a breed from overseas had to spend three months in a concrete cell, with no comforts and only allowed short visits per day. As a result, many of these dogs developed behavioural issues.

But this has meant that some purebreeds don't exist at all in Western Australia, or are just extremely uncommon. There's no medium poodles in Western Australia. There's only two active miniature poodle breeders. Borzoi aren't here. The list of like... fairly common dogs that don't exist here, or only exist in small numbers, is huge. And this means what filters into the rescues tends to be the most popular breeds - staffies, kelpies, malamutes, huskies, german shepherds, labradors and their mixes - all dogs we can't have as pets :(

So, we looked into purebreeds for a long time, and fell in love with some standard poodle puppies we met several months ago, but they were just too big for our cottage, and for our 12 year old 'I have so many behavioural issues Pia learned clicker training just to manage me' rescue cat.

We actually consulted with a trainer who specialises in PTSD dogs quite a few months ago before making this decision and deciding on Tobermory, and she was the one who suggested we go this path.

Rescues are great, I'm a huge rescue animal proponent, I've worked in both wild animal rehabilitation, animal fostering, and in animal rescue at various times in my life. For most people who aren't dealing with allergies (and keeping in mind that a low-shedding dog isn't hypoallergenic! Glen and I are still having allergic reactions, they're just not hives or asthma attacks, and we can manage congestion/breathing issues etc. with antihistamines + rescue inhalers), or who don't already have problem pets to worry about, it's absolutely one of the first avenues people should try!

But puppies from reputable and trustworthy breeders (whether mixes or purebreed) are often bred for qualities that can be more reliable in people who are trying to meet certain needs. And I advocate people go in that direction too if that's the only way they can have or live with a dog. Especially if they can meet with the breeder, meet the parents, meet the puppies multiple times, see (and check) health testing results, and those dogs are being registered, if not through a Purebreed Register (which honestly guarantees nothing except conformation, and often puts health and sometimes even temperament by the wayside), then through a reputable Register that has a code of ethics where you can report a breeder for poor practices and trust that they will be held accountable.

A small fluffy cutesy dog is actually not my favoured kind of dog in terms of how he looks. If I were picking a dog for cosmetic reasons, it'd be such a different dog!! :D I prefer borzoi, or leonbergers (two dogs that don't exist here), or landseer newfoundlands (doesn't exist here), or large munsterlanders (doesn't exist here) etc.

But in terms of temperament and what we need him for? He's perfect. Plus I can still breathe through my nose today and I'm not covered in hives, which is a win!

Anyway, I realise I could've answered this with a short 'no he's not a rescue' lol, but I feel like a lot of folks don't understand what it's like in Western Australia, one of the most isolated major cities in the whole world geographically, and what that means for genetic bottlenecks, issues with finding certain kinds of dogs in rescue, and how the chances of finding a rescue that works can drastically plummet if you're already dealing with pets that have stress, anxiety, and behavioural issues at home.

Maybe was this kind of rescue. She would have been euthanased before we got her. In fact she was literally 20 minutes away from being put to sleep, before we got her. She went on to develop multiple behavioural issues being a multigen feral with Bengal background, which is a pretty bad combo in Western Australian bushland (multigen feral cats are something else here, and have been mistaken for mountain lines in the bush). She's needed intensive and time-consuming management since we got her, and it means every other animal around her needs to be as easy to manage as humanly possible.

But yeah it's put me in an interesting quandary for about 7 years? Longer? At any rate, TL;DR not a rescue! :D

[debinhas-bicycle]

Now that the World Cup is over, I'm reflecting on my personal journey that brought me here. Apologies for the long post, but there's so much I wanted to say.

On December 18th, 2022, I woke up in the afternoon and, upon opening Twitter, saw that the Qatar world cup final between Argentina and France was going into penalty kicks. I rushed onto my computer and managed to pull it up in time to watch Messi score on his shot, and a few minutes later, Argentina won. That was pretty fun, I thought.

I'd been hearing about this world cup for months. Despite never seeking anything out, the news was thrust in my face that This. Was. Happening! Given the time differential between here and Qatar, and the fact that I've never followed soccer closely, I wasn't very interested in watching, to say nothing of the controversies surrounding that world cup and its host nation.

I hadn't watched a game of any sport since the 2019 World Series, and I felt a pang as Argentina celebrated on the pitch, suddenly realizing that this was something I'd been missing. I was raised playing baseball and soccer, and sports has always had a place in my heart and my house, but it was something I lost when the pandemic stoppages happened, and I hadn't found my way back yet. This feeling began to simmer in the back of my mind.

On January 21st, 2023, I finally made the decision to start watching women's soccer. It was the culmination of moments and thoughts that started during that penalty shootout, as well as the long brewing determination that I wanted to follow some form of women's sports, and the coincidence that the USWNT happened to be playing against New Zealand on HBO Max at exactly the right time for me to see it. I turned on the game and I had a blast.

During the game, I learned that the women's world cup was taking place later this year (something that had not been made well known to me). The stars had aligned perfectly, and I was ecstatic! I was finally going to get back into sports, and I had seven months to acquaint myself with everything WoSo before July 20th.

I couldn't have imagined that 8 months later I would've gone to a Kansas City Current match (my first time at any professional sports game in four years). I couldn't have imagined just how much fun I was going to have following the NWSL or this World Cup. I couldn't have imagined that I would spent the better part of three weeks staying up past dawn to watch football all night long (okay, that one does sound like me, I would've believed it). I might've even believed all of those, but most of all I couldn't have imagined the friends I was going to make here along the way.

I thought I was going to watch the USWNT matches and nothing else; after all, the timezones were once again not in my favor.

But it didn't matter. It was too much fun. You all made it too much fun. I had to stay up and watch every match I could, because everything was just too exciting. Debutants were holding their own, there were upsets happening left right and center. I got invested in so many teams and so many players. I learned so much about the game over these past four weeks: about the rules (like Ted Lasso, I too would come to finally understand offsides, thanks VAR🙄), about the players and their histories, about the pains and gains that have been taking place in this sport around the world.

I learned all of this and more from you all who welcomed me into this community with open arms. From the anon in my inbox that first night on January 21st who kindly corrected my mispelling of Alyssa Naeher's name (Nair lol), to all of the mutuals I've made whose posts I found funny and informative and made it so easy to get more invested in this sport. I started posting so much that about a week into the tournament I finally made a dedicated sideblog, named after my favorite player, who I got to see score two goals when I was at Children's Mercy Park on April 30th! I was surprised when every one of you followed me back, after all I'm just some guy that just got into woso, surely there must be more to it than that right?

But there wasn't. You all saw me standing in the corner and moved over to make room for me. You said here, come sit down with us, there's a game on and you can't see it from over there! You handed me drinks and snacks and made me feel included like it was nothing. I've been looking forward to this world cup all year, and thanks to you it was the highlight of my whole year.

I cheered, I gasped, I cried, and I did it with all of you, which was more than I ever expected or hoped for, and I'm so grateful. If I stopped watching football today, I would take this experience with me for the rest of my life. And I certainly don't plan to stop watching it any time soon! This world cup might not have reached the conclusion any of us wanted, but the journey to get here truly was a life-changing one for me.

Thank you for including me in this wonderful community, I love you all so much, and I can't wait to watch more football with you. 🫶🫶🫶

[americanrecord]

Hi, Kelsey! I hope you’ve have a nice holiday season. I was wondering if you had any tips for me? I’m starting university again after dropping out three years ago. I’m a pretty anxious person and am already feeling overwhelmed with my upcoming courses. How did you deal with pressure? Thank you ❤️

hi, ella! i have had a nice holiday season (despite the weird health issues going awn)!! and i hope you have too :-)

of course, i have tips! first of all, congratulations for making the decision to go back! that’s really exciting and a really big step toward wherever in the future you want to end up. i’m not sure if you’re going to attend online or in-person (either commuting or through living on campus), but i’m pretty sure all of my tips will be mostly applicable for all forms. (edit: they were mostly on-campus)

i also totally understand the anxiety. i got a little lucky when i was thrown into college life during the peak of the pandemic because we were all kind’ve bound to our dorm room and made to socialize, so i had nothing to do (beyond write fanfic lol) besides make myself be social with the other girls. however, i did experience really heavy bouts of anxiety when i was put back into standard in-person classes after a few years of luxury in online schooling (i found this method just agreed best with me — working at my own pace and not having to prioritize socializing. i actually became much more introverted during college/post-pandemic), just because i found it very difficult to make friends in an environment where nobody—including myself—really wanted to be there.

but i won’t start there.

firstly, i’m not sure if this is applicable to you, but do not mind any sense of “feeling behind.” it’s not like high school — absolutely nobody judges anybody of any age being in any level of a college class. in my upper level classes, i regularly had 35+ year olds either finishing their degree, returning for a second degree, etc etc, and that was just life. in college, absolutely nobody is working on the same time table and nobody will bat an eye at you saying “yeah, i decided to come back” or even if you just say “i took a few gap years and worked instead while i figured out what i wanted to do.” that is — if they even ask! most of the times, people don’t. you’re just going to be ella from class in their head. nick, this man from my writing class, was 36, and he was nick from writing class in my head all semester (until he read out some really misogynistic work he wrote that he praised as real literature and also rewrote the work of other students, then he was just nick the arrogant asshole.)

find your schedule. you unfortunately asked the loser for advice, so i’m going to address school first. i know that can definitely be a source of anxiety - either the desire to do it perfectly or just from the overwhelming sense of having an average of four or five class loads dropped onto your lap at once. i will say that the first thing i learned about college was that i had more free time than i ever conceptualized having. i also did not work a job. but even my friends who did — always had several hours of homework/tv/what have you time per night. the monday/wednesday, tuesday/thursday set up of each class is very helpful, i found! in between those class blocks — use it to eat and study. like, please. this might’ve just been what worked for me, but when i used the several 5-6 hours during daylight between clases + before dinner to exclusively work (i rarely even had working lunches), i was always able to have my work done before dinner and therefore take so much stress off my shoulders when i knew i’d have all night to unwind. doing that homework in general is just a great way to take off needless anxiety. it’s the only way i ever felt okay to walk into class unless i had something figured out with my professor.

other miscellaneous homework tips are to: (1) do the readings at first and keep doing them unless you get to class and realize they really don’t matter and won’t be showing up at any other point to bite you in the ass. most of the time, they do matter and are necessities for those who want As. (2) stay organized. find a rhythm. take notes by hand for better retention and use them to create study materials later (rewriting flash cards or rewriting quizlets were what helped me. rewriting in general.) (3) do not force yourself to stay up to an ungodly hour to study or do something (unless this really does work for you) because the chances are that your retention rate will be obliterated or the dip in quality will be noticeable. just get up early the next morning. (4) if you’re worried about missing out on socializing because you’re always holed up & working — offer to do homework with somebody else. my roommates and i would have “homework parties” where nobody talks/everybody has headphones in, but just being in the same vicinity was a motivator/a good way to not feel isolated. either that or just go sit at a library or in a cafe so you feel surrounded by people; the library was my personal go-to. i lived there my last semester on campus! #lawclasses

interact with your professors! it will only benefit you as a student. shoot them emails when you have questions or stay behind after class, introduce yourself, and ask your questions in person. going to office hours or basically doing anything to establish yourself beyond a name on a roll sheet and a vague figment at a desk is a great look in their eyes. it will make them friendlier, more likely to give you assistance or cool extra materials, or even much more sympathetic in times of need (like when you’re struggling with due dates or toward the end of the semester.) literally every professor will tell you their least fave student is the silent and absent one who shows up four days before the end and goes: please, mrs. so and so, can you turn my D- to an A :)? no! all my professors that i worked closely with, either through frequent communication or just through writing projects are the ones that live with me. my last writing professor and i got along so well that they invited me to work on their book with them. it never came to fruition because both of our schedules fell through, but just the idea of being asked was really special to me and it was only because i made the effort to make myself a real person in their eyes. sorry for all the personal anecdotes btw, it’s the only way i know how to relate.

GPA, at the end of the day, is not the end all be all. you do not need a 4.0. it’s a very good thing to have, but you don’t need it and you won’t be left out of future employment if you don’t have it. just do your best. a B in that really hard class is an A in a blow-off class. if you do all that you can do & take advantage of all of your study materials + do all the work, you’ve done the best you can as a student. the world will keep turning if you don’t get a perfect mark, and i like to think it turns smoother when you can reassure yourself you’ve done your best.

know when to take a break. burnout is real. it’s so real. my sister just experienced it so bad because she was working at her interior design coursework for like 14 hours a day, 7 days a week (she’s a perfectionist to a fault). don’t do that. don’t neglect copious amounts of sleep, or food, or hygiene routines, or social hours, or brain-numbing time because all of that is as useful and important as time devoted to studying. it’s the only way to guarantee that you will survive long enough to continue studying! just save a certain amount of time per day for yourself and your interests and your mind just for your mental health.

if attendance isn’t mandatory and your mental health needs it, it’s okay to skip a class here and there. it’s always best to do this strategically - when you know you won’t be missing anything or if you have access to whatever materials you missed, either through the class site or a friend — but sometimes those days off are the only way to recharge. i would sometimes skip my classes without mandatory attendance to just work in advance on those very classes. if you have a better way to devote your time (genuinely better) and won’t get knocked for it, it’s not the end of the world to miss the class. i didn’t embrace this until my very last semester on campus, always way too anxious to miss.

this is all that i can think of off the top of my head. please let me know if there’s something you’d like me to hone in on, but this kinda covered all the getting started bases!! i know you will do great and that you will find your niche and your schedule, but if you ever need me for anything, you know where to find me!! another thing that got me through college, perhaps the only thing that did so mostly happily, was tumblr!! it’s why i never felt lonely! 🩷

remember, life exists outside of academics! you are worth so much more than a letter grade or a number <3 what matters to employers is you got the degree!

[lirinck2]

HAPPY MAY THE 4TH

Star Wars was a part of my childhood and I'm so glad that I had the chance to see what this universe became over the years. All the amazing productions (with some exceptions of course lol) made me different and taught me a lot of lessons, made me bond with other fans that eventually became my friends and made me bond even more with my family.

My dad was the one that introduced me to Star Wars when I was just a little kid. I remember that there was a channel on TV that every saturday would stream a marathon of all the Star Wars movies during the afternoon. I watched it religiously, alone or with my dad and my brother. Now we are all grown up, but every day that a new episode of The Bad Batch, The Mandalorian and other series are released, we meet up to watch it together and discuss it. During the pandemic we were locked up all at the same house and decided to start watching the animated series, and we started with Rebels (wich became my favorite Star Wars production of all time). I was also the only one between us three that watched all of The Clone Wars so I have to explain a lot of things to them lol.

What I learned over the years is that small things can create great people. This will sound VERY cliché but if Star Wars taught me something is that there's always hope, even at the darkest times. I wouldn't trade all the good moments I had with my friends and family because of this saga for nothing.

Star Wars might be fictional but it's still a part of me. A part of me that I will never give up on.

Happy Star Wars day to all the people who chose to become a part of this amazing universe! May the force be with you, my friends! 💫🧡

[sizeableseashell]

2024/7/31

8:51am

I'm writing this to try and figure out what I should do next year regarding schooling.

I've talked to pretty much everyone I can to get help in regards to this decision:

I've essentially exhausted my well of wisdom. The only person I haven't talked to is myself- and I communicate with myself via writing so this is what I'm going to do.

I have three options:

Option A: Proceed with the 2nd year film program. Pros

It's fun.

My best friends are in the program.

I enjoy it.

It will give me a chance to practice writing and directing for film (which I'm very much interested in)

The program is built around production of films, teamwork, and collaboration which I really enjoy and is a skill I want to get better in.

If I continue with the program I'll be two years away from getting my undergrad.

Even if I don't, and I withdraw after two years I'll have a diploma for completing two years.

Cons

It's very expensive, and I'm assuming the debt.

If I continue to get my undergrad in it, it will be even more expensive.

My parents are unsupportive (they're unsupportive because they don't see me as a filmmaker, and think it's a waste of time and money if I'm not planning on working in the film industry†)

Option B: Enroll in a new program at my school (Either environmental studies or interdisciplinary studies.)

Pros

It's significantly less expensive

It's more likely my parents will help pay for it

It'll be a more generalized degree, so if I choose not to work in film I can apply for a wider variety of jobs in the future.

I find studying social and environmental topics is very informative for my creative work.

I'll probably have more free time, since the film program is very intensive. I can use that free time to join the student newspaper and campaign harder for student council.

I don't need a degree in film to make films, or do any kind of creative work. Writing, filmmaking, and theatre are kind of trades- in that the best way to learn is by doing; and if I want to those things, there's absolutely nothing stopping me.

Cons

It might take me longer to graduate since I'll be starting a new program. The film schooling I did last year will cover most of my electives, but I'll still have to do core courses.

I'm afraid that I won't get to practice screenwriting, or directing. I was especially looking forward to the screenwriting courses next year.

Less time with old friends, and new friends must be made.

Option C: Just work full time and apply for a new degree next year.

Pros

Make lots of money.

More time to find a better degree that's less expensive and well suited to me

Cons

I'm in my mid, nearing late 20's and I don't have my undergrad. I want my undergrad!!!!! I don't want to waste more time trying to find the "right" undergrad.

I don't really think that there's a "perfect" program out there for me, lol. I think if I want the piece of paper I should get the piece of paper. This is the third university, and fourth program, I've been to since I graduated high-school.

Program #1 Creative Writing Why I Left: I had an awful eating disorder. I didn't even last a full term. Program #2 Acting Why I Left: I felt like the dramaturgy stream was better suited to my interests as someone who wanted to write and direct. Honestly though, acting was cool and I excelled at it. Program #3 Dramaturgy Why I left: COVID-19 hit. The pandemic made me really re-evaluate my life. I also felt called to go back home and help out with social causes there. While I was home I started a big project I've yet to finish, and my mental health began to rapidly decline. These two factors kept me from returning to the program; and if COVID never struck, I probably wouldn't have left it.

Basically, I'm not going with Option C.

†Well, what do you want to do Penelope?

That's a great question actually. My mission in life is to create narratives that reconnect humans to themselves and the rest of the planet. I'm a multi-disciplinary story teller and I believe that the story informs the medium. Some stories want to be told through a play, others want to be a novel, or a comedy routine- the most important thing is that the story is told well.

I really enjoy being on stage and creating words and performances that inspire, move, and entertain. I'm also super, super, interested in climate change. I'm not just interested in the measurable mechanisms that cause climate change, but the social underpinnings that keep it in place. I believe that climate change isn't just a problem that needs fixing so we can go back to normal, but an existential call to dramatically rethink the way we live.

I see metaphors in meteorological phenomena. As humans rapidly accelerate their pace of living, the planet rapidly warms. As we downplay the importance of rest and recovery in favour of endless growth, the times of year that embody rest and recovery (namely winter) are shrinking in length and stature. As we're become disconnected from nature through urbanization and light pollution, factory farming, we're becoming more disconnected from ourselves, as demonstrated by a surge in mental health conditions worldwide.

The outer world of the planet is mirroring our inner world. I'm a staunch believer in the power of activism and direct action, but I also know from lived experience that a strong inner foundation, and clear ethos is necessary for the individual positive and meaningful change.

I hope to create works that don't necessarily tackle climate change directly (i.e; this is why it's important to recycle- here are the facts), but meditate on the emotions and experiences surrounding climate change, both negative: loss, isolation, fear, disconnect, rage, distrust, instability, uncertainty.

I hope by exploring the vulnerable side of climate change, I can help guide people through the darkness and into the positive: passion, purpose, appreciation, connection, unity. I want to create works that help people face the confusion of the world, and feel prepared to make change. I hope to supply motivation people not with dull obligation, but confident inspiration.

In some ways I feel like my whole life has been preparing me for this.

I would be interested in public policy and polotics when I'm older, and I think that a degree in climate studies would prepare me for that. My dad thinks it's not the right program for me, but I disagree. He thinks I should focus on a program that's all about writing, but I think studying creative pursuits in an academic context can strip them of the inspiration and delight that pushes me to pursue them independently.

I don't think a degree in filmmaking will make me a filmmaker. I don't think a degree in writing will make me a writer.

Making films makes me a filmmaker. Writing makes me a writer.

I think if I'm serious about pursuing a career in writing, I need to write more. I need to structure my life around writing, exhibit discipline, and remain healthy.

My dad says that if I want to know about climate change and society, I should just read books about it.

The same can be said about writing, or filmmaking.

With writing and filmmaking though, I can always build a portfolio and make connections outside of school. There's competitions, live performance opportunities, social media, and networking events. I don't need a degree to do those things. I've already made some notable strides, and have some great connections in creative fields, sans bachelors.

I also know that even if I get a degree in filmmaking, it doesn't guarantee I'll continue to make films after class is through. That was certainly true for last year's film program. While I enjoy filmmaking as a trade, my true passion is derived from independently pursing creative projects, and stories I want to tell, and finding ways to make it come to life, no matter the cost.

While storytelling is my primary passion, my inspiration is drawn from the time I'm living in: where climate change plays a huge role. I'd like to get a masters degree eventually that dives into "social underpinnings" and "climate emotions" I wrote about earlier. When it comes to further education, a degree in climate studies could set me up.

First of all, It's a generalized program that could translate into numerous back up careers:

-Teacher -Municipal Work -Fundraising I think it's also just a respectable degree to have; and having it in no way limits my future career. Basically, I think it's easier to make fine arts without a fine arts degree than it is to pursue my other interests seriously with a fine arts degree.

I also don't have to do just one thing like I said earlier- demonstrating discipline, grit, and being healthy and happy is the most important thing to me,

Finally, even if a filmmaking degree affords me some better connections and learning opportunities, I believe that I can replicate those benefits through external-resources at half the cost.

I've always been sacred of "giving up" or "settling" but as I'm getting older I'm beginning to delight in the flexibility and variety life has to offer. I no longer think it's "weak" to take other people's opinions into consideration, or to have their beliefs influence your beliefs. I think healthy consideration of other people's viewpoints leads to greater clarity. I also know that If I really, truly, want to write and perform no entity will hand that to me. I have to go out and get it.

-Penny

[aintnoscience]

Hi.

I never really write on Tumblr or blogs. It's been years since the last post I made (and the last time I open this account). But there's something nostalgic about everything I see here tonight, and I decide to stay for a while.

It's Friday night. I had no plans. I got nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Just a little life update, it is 2023 and the version of me who's writing this is currently continuing her study to get a bachelor degree. It's almost a new semester and I really got nothing to do. I quitted my job last year and been focusing on my study while doing some freelance works.

To be honest, everything is really unexpected. If the 2020 version of me can see this post, she would be very confused because the last time she came here, she was ranting about being burnout and feeling so stressed out in her previous job lol. It was her very VERY first professional job. She had to figure everything out while being locked up because of the pandemic and depressed I could say? It's been so long that I didn't even remember at what moment I posted the post lol.

But don't worry, we're in a better mental state now. The 25-year-old and the prefrontal cortex myth was true. And not gonna lie, I've been feeling better since I quit the job.

Two years ago (2021) I decided to get back to college. I was kinda forget why (LOL). I just wanted to learn new things. I've tried to join online classes but none of them satisfy me. Also, I was really depressed because of work but I didn't have an excuse to quit my job (and have some time to figure out what I want to do next). This might be the cheesiest reason you might hear about someone going back to college. I didn't know what to do. But on the serious note, I really want to get a masters degree.

I was also lonely. Everything about the pandemic made me feel disconnected from the real world, from who I am and from what I wanted to be. Maybe it was just a quarter life crisis, but too bad, my early twenties happened in a pandemic.

My perception about time is also messed up lol. I still feel like I'm 22 (I am 25). Again, I don't know if it's just a normal quarter life crisis to mentally feel like you're younger than your real age or it's because of the quarantine.

So many things happened the last 3 years, yet so little things happened. I feel like I'm going nowhere, but if I look back, I am really far away from where I used to be.

I don't know where life will take me by the time I open my Tumblr again (let's assume that we open this account and post once in a two years lol). What would this version of me feel? What will she do and where will she be?

I don't want to think much. But I just hope that she's happy, content and at peace.

Anyway, I think I'll finish it this way. I'm in a rush to listen to Han's new single lol.

Well yes, another unexpected thing that happened the last three years was: I'm into KPop now. I've been liking this KPop group called Stray Kids for the last two years. Me finding them was like finding a fresh air and a reason to live. As silly as waiting for them to release some contents every 10 P.M. Life's been bearable since I knew them.

Might write more so we don't have to wait two years for the next post lol. But i'll end it right here.

Cheers,

from me and my boys. xx

[write-ur-wrongs]

Nature’s Nurturing Ways

Hi y’all! This pandemic has really taken the wind out of my sails these past few weeks (maybe months? Time is completely untraceable right now). This piece is born out of a lovely anon’s request, bolded below. As always, I haven’t proofread this mess, so please forgive the typos! I’ll do my best to correct them post-publishing. I seriously can’t thank you enough for taking the time to send me your ideas, and I promise I’ll get better at writing actual drabbles LOL. I hope you enjoy :) 

Hii can you write something abt Geralt being w a plant-based reader where she loves animals and nature? Tysm

_____________________________________________________________

Geralt and Jaskier had been travelling for hours when the beating sun finally wore them down. There hadn’t been a breeze in days and the hot, stale air was starting to suffocate the uncharacteristically quiet bard, who wouldn’t dare compete with the surrounding cicada’s symphony.

“Geralt,” he rasped, “do you hear any running water? Drips or gurgles? I’ll take anything.”

“Jask, it hasn’t rained in days and it’s hotter than the depths of hell,” the Witcher sighed before continuing, “I said no yesterday, the answer is the same today.”

“Euughh!” Jaskier threw his head back in despair before hanging his head in exhaustion. “Geralt, I don’t want to be dramatic -,”

“Ha!” Geralt twisted in his saddle to look back at his friend with a quirked brow.

“- but I will fall off this horse and die of exposure if we don’t find water soon.”

Shaking his head, Geralt knew that despite the bard’s tendency to embellish, the situation was getting dire. They’d traveled this way dozens of times before and had always relied on the steady creek that ran alongside the trail for water. The region wasn’t known for dry spells and while Geralt was sure he could manage either way, his companion on the trail was not so durable.

They wouldn’t arrive at their destination for another three or four hours, at his level of dehydration and with probable heat exhaustion, Jaskier might not have that much time.

With another gruff sigh, Geralt pulled back on Roach’s reins and redirected her off the road and into the forest, turning back to ensure Jaskier’s horse would follow.

Geralt knew that there was a small clearing off the road where the thick leaves from the old trees made a lush, and shaded, canopy. He’d been there before a handful of times. It’s where he shared a tender first kiss, where he’d laid his head on Y/N’s chest before falling asleep feeling the cool, lush, grass cradling his large frame. It’s where he first said I love you.

Shaking his head slightly to pull himself from his memories, he dismounted and grabbed both sets of reins, leading the horses into farther the clearing. Once they’d reached the middle of the small field, Geralt released Roach’s lead and gave her a neck a scratch before leaving her to graze.

“Come on Jaskier,” he said, reaching into the gelding’s saddle bag for some food, “get off your horse and lay down in the grass.”

The bard fell out of his saddle with a thud while Geralt continue to root around the bag, huffing as he kept coming up empty.

“Did you eat the last of the cheese?”

“Mmpft,” Jaskier replied incoherently, face down in the grass.

“Hey –”

“Oi! You kicked me!”

“Where is the food? We had bread, cheese, and meat left over last night. Did you fucking eat it all?”

“No, you oaf,” he said, rolling over onto his back, “we ate the rest of it this morning.”

“Fuck!” Geralt cursed under his breath, pulling his hair up off his neck to cool off. He could barely remember what they’d done earlier that day. The heat had been unbearable all evening, and the rising sun only made it worse.  

“Don’t worry about it Geralt! No need to apologize for accusing me so harshly.” Jaskier said, words dripping in sarcasm.

Geralt merely looked down at the bard with disdain and rolled his eyes, refusing to admit the sun might be affecting him too.

“Shut up and take off your shirt –”

“Oh-ho!” he laughed weakly, wiggling his eye brows at the witcher. No matter how beaten and battered the bard may be, he’d never miss an opportunity to tease Geralt.

“No, Gods! Fuck,” Geralt went on, flustered, “the grass will cool you down a hell of a lot faster if you’re in direct contact. And besides, Y/N will kill me if I let you die of exposure.”

“Always so serious, eh Geralt?” Jaskier chided playfully, pulling off his tunic before laying back down onto the grass, “Oh-ho-ho-ohhhh yes… Sweet merciful goddess of all that is good, this feels amazing! Yes, yes, yes!”

While he was sure the bard was still mumbling gratefully, and disgustingly, at the feeling of the cool grass against his skin, Geralt’s mind was elsewhere. Somewhere in this clearing, wild heliotropes had bloomed and the sweet, almondine scent was pulling him into a memory.

“Geralt! Witchers use herbs, mushrooms, and flowers in all kinds of magic,” you said, your hands resting high on your hips, “I find it incredibly hard to believe that in all your years and extensive travels, you’d never learned to forage?”

“All my years, eh?” he’d replied, cat-like eyes gleaming back at you.

“Well of course,” you teased, “I mean, unless you mean to tell me that silver head of hair is a choice born out of vanity?”

“I’m going to make you pay for that later, Y/N.” He laughed, taken aback and a little impressed that you felt so comfortable with his mutations as to mock him playfully.

“Ha! Me and what coin?” you reply with a light laugh, bending over to collect the generous mushrooms growing through the bed of leaves and needles.

Geralt turned his head towards you to hit you with a winning comeback, but found himself lost for words when his eyes failed to meet yours.

You get up slowly, peering over your shoulder to find your witcher’s eyes on your backside. Smirking to yourself and quirking a brow flirtatiously, you toss a handful of dirt and wet leaves his way, hitting the poor soul right in the chest.

“Distracted, Geralt?” you said, tossing your hair over your shoulder as you straightened up.

Geralt swallowed thickly, desperately trying to string together at least a couple words – witty at best, coherent at least – when he heard a twig snap in the surrounding forest.

Quick as a flash, he drew his sword and his attention towards the source of the disturbance, a large boar. Chest already swelling with pride at the thought of providing you with a hearty meal, Geralt prepared his attack on the creature before him.

Seeing that the “threat” in question was nothing but a passing porcine, you dove before him with a shout, dropping the mushrooms on the way. Your scream coupled with your sudden movement startled the beast, and it dove deeper into the brush to escape.

“Geralt, no!”

“Damn it, Y/N,” he swore, “I could’ve had it! We could have had a decent meal! We – we would have been set for days!”

“No, Geralt! We have food, right here in this clearing. We needn’t take lives from the forest to eat.”

“Gods, Y/N,” he sighed, dropping his sword to the ground in frustration, “do I need to remind you of the cycle of life? Creatures live, they die, and they get eaten so others can live –”

“Yes, and by leaving that gentle giant to its ruminations, we’ve allowed it to go on, to feed its young, or hell! By leaving that boar to live, we might have secured a lifeline for a fellow wolf or fox. Geralt look around you; mushrooms, flowers, these thick leaves, those berries? You see that tree there? At its roots there are nuts, and over there? Those flowers? Means there is garlic. The forest will feed us with ease if we simply care to drop our weapons, and look.”

Geralt looked at you and with soft eyes, he took in the way your eyes burned with passion, the way your chest rose and fell with every energized breath. He looked around you and really looked at the plants around him, beyond scanning for any toxic or dangerous herbs, he did his best to see the forest through your bright eyes.

Looking at you he felt his chest swell once more, but this time the feeling was warm, grounding.

“I love you, Y/N,” he said quietly, pulling you into his arms, “so, so much.”

You looked up at him with tears in your eyes. You knew he loved you. You had known for months, but you’d made peace with the fact that he loved you however he could, and that that would have to be enough, even if it meant you wouldn’t hear him say it.

“Oh, my sweet, sweet dove,” you murmured, reaching up to lay a soft kiss on his forehead, “I love you too.”

Geralt was wrenched from his thoughts by a swift kick to his shin, courtesy of the bard.

“Shhht!! Geralt!” Jaskier shout-whispered, still kicking at the witcher’s shins. “A deer! A d- dinner! Food! Geralt!”

Side-stepping out of the bard’s frantic little kicks, Geralt looked around him in a quick movement, spotting the deer with his hand primed above his sword’s hilt.

The world seemed to go quiet and still when his eyes met the doe’s. Despite himself, he could hear your voice in his head telling him that she’s a young, vibrant member of this forest’s population. That at her age, she’s likely a first-time mom or about to be. That she has more life to live and more to give to the land than be a poor man’s meal.

Jaskier watched in hungry-horror as Geralt waved his large hand at the creature, turning his back to it before looking down to meet his shell-shocked gaze.

“What the fuck, Geralt!” he spat, “what happened to “Y/N would kill me if I let Jaskier die”? What the fuck! That was food! Survival!”

“You’ll be fine Jask, shut up and lay in your grass.”

“As long as you don’t make me eat it.” He grumbled, not quietly enough.

A laugh rumbled through him as he walked towards to forest line, spotting thick dandelion leaves, mushrooms, and bushes ripe with nuts. He might not necessarily need to feed Jaskier the grass beneath his feet, but he was going to make him eat his words.

***********************************************************************************

“There you are my intrepid explorers!” You damn near squealed at the sight of them, dropping your basket of recently-purchased produce as you ran towards them.

At the sight of you, Geralt dismounts and runs to meet you in a tight embrace. You hold each other tightly, breathing in each other’s scent; his cedar, damp earth, and cut grass, and yours sweet almond.

You pull back just enough to look him over quickly and, spotting no fresh injury or new scars, pull your brows together curiously.

“Did you get lost?”

“Not at all,” replied Jaskier, clapping Geralt on the shoulder, “You’d be impressed, madam Y/N! Our dear witcher made quite the feast. Pulled me right out of the greedy jaws of death, he did!”

“Oh?” You said, brows furrowed in a silent question. Knowing what you meant, Geralt shook his head and kissed your temple to reassure you.

“Picture me this, Y/N,” Jaskier mused as he untacked his gelding, “I’m wilting away, inches from Death’s grip, and Geralt sweeps me under a lush canopy of trees and lays me in the grass…”

“Lays him in the grass? Should I be jealous?” you whispered.

“Never my love,” he replied softly, his forehead against yours.

“… then our honorable friend bid the deer a fond farewell, letting him get away! Yes, Y/N, there I lay, starving, thinking the sun must have cooked the sense right out of him when he marches out of sight only to emerge moments later with a bounty!”

“A bounty?” you mock-gasp, egging the bard on to Geralt’s great displeasure.

“Yes! We ate like kings in that forest, Y/N. All we did was eat but I felt hydrated and renewed! Truly a culinary delight.”

“A delight, Geralt!” you giggled, giving his waist a squeeze.

“Gods, won’t he ever shut up?” he grumbled, ghost of a blush creeping up his collar.

“Oh hush, my love,” you cooed, “without Jask’s bragging, I’d have never known what a big softy you’ve become.”

Wordlessly, Geralt looked down at you in mock-contempt, unsure that this wasn’t a veiled insult. He was instantly reassured though, when his eyes met yours.

“You left the deer.”

“I did.”

“And you foraged, found just what you needed.” You spoke softly, admiration and love rounding your features out beautifully.

“That’s right.”

“Now where did you pick up skills like that, my dove?” You chanced another tease, twirling a lock of his white, dust-packed hair around a finger before giving it a light tug, your head cocked to the side.

“Oh, I had an exceptional teacher…” he said, wrapping an arm tightly around your waist and bringing his other hand up to cup your face, pulling into a deep kiss.

[1ddotdhq]

◟̽◞̽ Tues 24 Nov ‘20 🐠

Grammy Nominations and Live Shows OH MY!!

LOUIS’ BACK!!! And I don’t mean “oh he liked something on Instagram” or “oh he tweeted about a RHCP concert”, I mean he’s going to be doing a VEEPS LIVESHOW! And so we solve the mystery of the Spotify vids (they were a stage!): a few hours before the announcement, he tweeted, “Hope you’re all doing alright. Exciting stuff coming up!!”, and then left the masses to wonder what could possibly be happening and when. Three anxious hours later: “So excited to announce that I’m getting my band and crew back together to put on a special show for you all that will be streamed December 12 [!!!adkhfkadhfjj!!!] and will be available for 28 hours after. The show will support 5 important causes very close to my heart”. The causes Louis Tomlinson Live From London will support are FareShare (they redistribute food to communities in need), CrewNation (the LiveNation COVID crew fund), StageHand (similar to CrewNation, but UK based), Bluebell Wood Children’s Hospice, and paying Louis' own touring crew! The tickets go on sale TOMORROW. If you can't afford one, Luke Massie (founder and CEO of Vibe Tickets) is giving funds away on twitter to fans who want to watch the show! “I’ll do my best to help as many of you as I can see him and his amazing crew perform,” he said. Louis has said that there is no cap on the ticket sales, so I’m taking him at his word and hoping that Veeps is prepared for what's about to happen (they're REALLY not lol.)

And that’s not all!! The press release for the show promised “songs from… ‘Walls”...alongside a few surprises” (I - could it - new music????), as well as “an exclusive range of new merchandise” that comes out tomorrow! The merch proceeds will go to the charities listed above. And! The Telegraph published an interview! Louis promises AN UPCOMING NEW ALBUM (“I had basically penciled down a plan before corona took over our lives”). He says again that he wants to move into the KMM style rock sound, “I think there were some songs where I took slightly more risk and owned what I love, saying, this is who I want to be..there is a certain energy in [KMM], in its delivery, in its attitude, that I want to recreate. People are struggling at the moment so I want to create a raucous, exciting atmosphere in my live show, not a somber, thoughtful one.” He says that he wants this next album to be more optimistic, because that is who he is, but new songwriting is HARD during a pandemic: for him (like for all of us), his days have fallen into a routine, and so he has no ‘new experiences’ to draw from. And, once again, Louis brings up John Frusciante and how he “fucking wishes” he could chat with him. Louis - drop your RHCP stan account PLEASE! We also learned that fans were RIGHT in speculating that he’s been in LA recently (though likely not for the reason the Telegraph wants us to think). About his travels, Louis says, “[The spot he goes to] is remote and kind of weird, and I’m going to go there for three days and write. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to it... it’s got some very interesting (peculiar?) locals who live there...it feels like you’re going back in time when you’re there.” ANY COMMENT, @/visiteroda??? And, in a rare look ahead, Louis reveals that he wants to manage an all-women’s rock band playing instruments (hey, friend, you know where women could play instruments? YOUR OWN BAND, MY DUDE! Just a suggestion). He said that his process with Syco had become “challenging and frustrating” because the kinds of artists he wants to develop aren’t “ready-made” - he sees a lot of artists that were “rough and ready” but labels want to see “something that works straight away”. But with Syco dust in the wind he can get back to it: HELL YEAH! The band he’s currently got his eyes on is Fickle Friends (an indie Brighton all-female rock band); he says this is the kind of band he wants to manage, “because there’s no one in that space. And I know eventually if I don’t do it, someone else will!”. Guys, I say this a lot, but really, Louis is about to make some WAVES in that space and I can’t WAIT to see it play. But first the concert, please!

AND!!!!!! Harry has been NOMINATED FOR THREE FUCKING GRAMMYS!! GUYS, HE MADE IT! The categories he is up for are: Best Music Video (Adore You - the TASTE), Best Pop Solo Performance (Watermelon Sugar), and BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM! I know that we’re always like, Grammys mean nothing, and how can we feel otherwise 1D was never nominated, but this is a MILESTONE in his career, and I am so happy to see his work getting the recognition it deserves! There were no nominations for him in the general field this year (artist or record of the year) BUT just you WAIT. Everything that Harry does makes me think that he is gearing up for a very long and successful career and I am. Very Happy for him. And so is everyone else! Harry’s friends, family, colleagues, and labels have all been quick to congratulate him on his well deserved recognition. In other Harry news, we got some stills from an Austrailian movie called “Holding the Man” which bear remarkable similarities to the Golden music video. (Were Harry's Vans really in there as a tribute to the film or did that part just work out very well for him??) The movie and the song don’t have anything in common thematically except being gay, but it really looks like a visual homage to this film (or, my personal theory, a fix-it fic to give it a happy ending!). And! Harry was papped on the DWD set with Florence Pugh again today, in a suit and an opulent background - it’s hard to make out Harry’s face, but I think we can guess that it's beaming in pride, as it should be.

GQ Spain did a piece on Liam’s Hugo capsule, praising it for being “the utilitarian style” (“the star trend of 2020”). They’re very nice about it, and seem to be genuinely interested and like the color scheme of the clothes: “the monocolor look...is an irrefutable argument in men’s clothing”. They also praise the collection for being an example that “you don’t need to spend hours in front of a mirror to dress like the best dressed men on the planet”. All of these were meant to be compliments, I SWEAR! Niall was around on Twitter yesterday, reminiscing about the time when some fans asked Justin Beiber to take pictures of them with Niall, it's true Niall that IS hilarious and also good psychic timing: that's EXACTLY how relevant Justin Beiber should be (yes I AM bitter the Weeknd was ROBBED). He also congratulated Shawn Mendes for his documentary, “So proud of this boy. He’s smashed it and always so humble. Well done to everyone involved.X”. I have not seen this documentary but if there are any more “Camila Cabello orders bananas at sushi restaurants moments” PLEASE let me know!

[supercantaloupe]

okay yeah actually, i’ll bite. i’ve got some of my own thoughts about the unsleeping city and cultural representation and i’m gonna make a post about them now, i guess. i’ll put it under a cut though because this post is gonna be long.

i wanna start by saying i love dimension 20 and i really really enjoy the unsleeping city. i look forward to watching new episodes every week, and getting hooked on d20 as a whole last summer really helped pull me out of a pandemic depression, and i’m grateful to have this cool show to be excited about and interested in and to have met so many cool people to talk about it with.

that being said, however, i think there is a risk run in representing any group of people/their culture when you have the kind of setting that tuc has. by which i mean, tuc is set in a real world with real people and real human cultures in it. unlike fantasy high or a crown of candy where everything is made up (even if rooted in real-world cultures), tuc is explicitly rooted in reality, and all of its diversity -- both the ups and downs that go with it. and especially set in new york of all places, one of the most densely, diversely populated cities on earth. the cast is 7 people; it’s great that those 7 people come from a variety of backgrounds and identities and all bring their own unique perspectives to the table, and it’s great that those people and the entire crew are generally conscious of themselves and desire to tell stories/represent perspectives ethically. but you simply cannot authentically represent every culture or every perspective in the world (or even just in a city) when your cast is 7 people. it’s an impossible task. this is inherent to the setting, and acknowledged by the cast, and by brennan especially, who has been on record saying how one of the exciting aspects of doing a campaign set in nyc is its diversity, the fact that no two new yorkers have the same perspective of new york. i think that’s a good thing -- but it does have its challenges too, clearly.

i’m not going to go into detail on the question of whether or not tuc’s presentation of asian and asian american culture is appropriative/offensive or not. first of all, i don’t feel like it’s 100% fair to judge the show completely yet, since it’s a prerecorded season and currently airing midseason, so i don’t yet know how things wrap up. secondly, i’m not asian or asian american. i can have my own opinions on that content in the show, but i think it’s worth more to hear actual asian and asian american voices on this specific aspect of the show. having an asian american cast member doesn’t automatically absolve the show of any criticisms with regard to asian american cultural representation/appropriation, whether those criticisms are made by dozens of viewers or only a handful of them. regardless, i don’t think it’s my place as someone who is not asian to speak with any authority on that issue, and i know for a fact that there are asian american viewers sharing their own opinions. their thoughts in this instance hold more water than mine, i think.

what i will comment on in more depth, though, is a personal frustration with tuc. i’m jewish; i’ve never really been shy about that fact on my page here. i’m not from new york, but i visit a few times a year (or i did before covid anyway, lol), and i have some family from nyc. nyc, to me, is a jewish city. and for good reason, since it’s home to one of the largest jewish populations of the country, and even the world, and aspects of jewish culture (including culinary, like bagels and pastrami, and linguistic, like the common use of yiddish words and phrases in english colloquial speech) are prevalent and celebrated among jews and goyim alike. when i think of nyc, i think of a jewish city; that’s not everybody’s new york, but that’s my new york, and thats plenty of other people’s new york too. so i do find myself slightly disappointed or frustrated in tuc for its, in my opinion, rather stark lack of jewish representation.

now, i’m not saying that one of the PCs should have been jewish, full stop. i love to headcanon iga as jewish even though canon does not support that interpretation, and i’m fine with that. she’s not my character. it’s possible that simply no one thought of playing a jewish character, i dunno. but also, and i can’t be sure about this, i’m willing to bet that none of the players really wanted to play a jewish character because they didn’t want to play a character of a marginalized culture they dont belong to in the interest of avoiding stereotyping or offensive representation/cultural appropriation. (i don’t know if any of the cast members are jewish, but i’m assuming not.) and the concern there is certainly appreciated; there’s not a ton of mainstream jewish rep out there, and often what we get is either “unlikeable overly conservative hassidic jew” or “jokes about their bar mitzvah/one-off joke about hanukkah and then their jewishness is never mentioned ever again,” which sucks. it would be really cool to see some more good casual jewish rep in a well-rounded, three-dimensional character in the main cast of a show! even if there are a couple of stumbles along the way -- nobody is perfect and no two jews have the same level of knowledge, dedication, and adherence to their culture.

but at the same time, i look at characters like iga and i really do long for a jewish character to be there. siobhan isn’t polish, yet she’s playing a characters whose identity as a polish immigrant to new york is very central to her story and arc. and part of me wonders why we can’t have the same for a jewish character. if not a PC, then why not an NPC? again, i’m jewish, and i am not native, but in my opinion i think the inclusion of jj is wonderful -- i think there are even fewer native main characters in mainstream media than there are jewish ones, and it’s great to see a native character who is both in touch with their culture as well as not being defined solely by their native-ness. to what extent does it count as ‘appropriative’ because brennan is a white dude? i dunno, but i’m like 99% sure they talked to sensitivity consultants to make sure the representation was as ethical as they could get it, and anyway, i can’t personally see and glaring missteps so far. but again, i’m not native, and if there are native viewers with their own opinions on jj, i’d be really interested in hearing them.

but getting back to the relative lack of jewish representation. it just...disappoints me that jewishness in new york is hardly ever even really mentioned? again, i know we’re only just over halfway through season 2, but also, we had a whole first season too. and it’s definitely not all bad. for example: willy! gd, i love willy so much. him being a golem of williamsburg makes me really really happy -- a jewish mythological creature animated from clay/mud (in this case bricks) to protect a jewish community (like that of williamsburg, a center for many of nyc’s jews) from threat. golem have so often been taken out of their original context and turned into evil monsters in fantasy settings, especially including dnd. (even within other seasons of d20! crush in fh being referred to as a “pavement golem” always rubbed me the wrong way, and i had hoped they’d learned better after tuc but in acoc they refer to another monster as a “corn golem” which just disappointed me all over again.) so the fact that tuc gets golems right makes my jewish heart very happy.

and yet...he doesn’t show up that much? sure, in s1, he’s very helpful when he does, but in s2 so far he shows up once and really does not say or do much of anything. he speaks with a lot more yiddish-influenced language than other characters, but if you didn’t know those words were specifically yiddish/jewish, you might not be able to otherwise clock the fact that willy is jewish. and while willy is a jewish mythological creature who is jewish in canon, he isn’t human. there are no other direct references to judaism, jewish characters, or jewish culture in the unsleeping city beyond him.

there are, in fact, two other canon jewish characters in tuc. but...here’s where i feel the most frustration, i think. the two canon jewish humans in tuc are stephen sondheim and robert moses. both of whom are real actual people, so it’s not like we can just pick and choose what their cultural backgrounds are. as much as i love stephen sondheim, i think there are inherent issues with including real world people as characters in a fictional setting, especially if they are from living/recent memory (sondheim is literally still alive), but anyway, sondheim and moses are both actual jewish people. from watching tuc alone you probably would not be able to guess that sondheim is jewish -- nothing from his character except name suggests it, and i wouldn’t even fault you for not thinking ‘sondheim’ is a jewish-sounding surname (and i dislike the idea/attitude/belief that you can tell who is or isn’t jewish by the sound of their name). and yeah, i’m not going to sit here and be like “brennan should have made sondheim more visibly jewish in canon!” because, like, he’s a real human being and it’s fucking weird to portray him in a way that isn’t as close to how he publicly presents himself, which is not in fact very identifiably jewish? i don’t know, this is what i mean by it’s inherently weird and arguably problematic to portray real living people as characters in a fictional setting, but i digress. sondheim’s jewish, even if you wouldn’t know it; not exactly a representation win.

and then there’s bob moses. you might be able to guess that he’s jewish from canon, actually. there’s the name, of course. but more insidious to me are the specifics of his villainy. greedy and powerhungry, a moneyman, a lich whose power is stored in a phylactery...it does kind of all add up to a Yikes from me. (in the stock market fight there’s a one-off line asking if he has green skin; it’s never really directly acknowledged or answered, but it made me really uncomfortable to hear at first and it’s stuck with me since viewing for the first time.) the issue for me here is that the most obviously jewish human character is the season’s bbeg, and his villainy is rooted in very antisemitic tropes and stereotypes.

i know this isn’t all brennan’s fault -- robert moses was a real ass person and he was in fact jewish, a powerhungry and greedy moneyman, a big giant racist asshole, etc. i’m not saying that jewish characters can’t be evil, and i’m not saying brennan should have tried to be like “this is my NPC robert christian he’s just like bob moses but instead he’s a goy so it’s okay” because...that would be fuckin weird bro. and bob moses was a real person who was jewish and really did do some heinous shit with his municipal power. i’m not necessarily saying brennan should have picked/created a different character to be the villain. i’m not even saying that he shouldn’t have made bob moses a lich (although, again, it doesn’t 100% sit right with me). but my point here is that bob moses is one of a grand total of three canon jewish characters in tuc, of which only two humans, of whom he is the one you’d most easily guess would be jewish and is the most influenced by antisemitic stereotypes/tropes. had there been more jewish representation in the show at all, even just some neutral jewish NPCs, this would not be as much of a problem as it is to me. but halfway through season 2, so far, this is literally all we get. and that bums me out.

listen, i really like tuc. i love d20. but the fact that it is set in a real world place with real world people does inherently raise challenges when it comes to ethical cultural representation. especially when the medium of the show is a game whose creatures, lore, and mechanics have been historically rooted in some questionable racial/cultural views. and dnd is making progress to correct some of those misguided views of older sourcebooks by updating them to more equitably reflect real world racial/cultural sensitivities; that’s a good thing! but these seasons, of course, were recorded before that. the game itself has some questionable cultural stuff baked into it, and that is (almost necessarily) going to be brought to the table in a campaign set in a real-world place filled with real-world people of diverse real-world cultures. the cast can have sensitivity consultants and empathy and the best intentions in the world, and they’ll still fuck up from time to time, that’s okay. your mileage may vary on whether or not it’s still worth sticking around with the show (or the fandom) through that. for me, it does not yet outweigh all the things i like about the show, and i’m gonna continue watching it. but it’s still very worth acknowledging that the cast is 7 people who cannot possibly hope to authentically or gracefully represent every culture in nyc. it’s an unfortunate limitation of the medium. yet it’s also still worthwhile to acknowledge and discuss the cultural representation as it is in the show -- both the goods and the bads, the ethically solid and the questionably appropriative -- and even to hold the creators accountable. (decently, though. i’m definitely not advocating anybody cyberbully brennan on twitter or whatever.) the show and its representation is far from perfect, but i also don’t think it ever could be. still, though, it could always be better, and there’s a worthwhile discussion to be had in the wheres, hows, and whys of that.

[its-chelisey-stuff]

I watched “Imitation” and it was surprising (... okay, I loved it!)

Full disclosure: If you haven’t the slightest interest in kpop, not even in the drama or juicy gossip that produces, this won’t be your thing. I know it’s not a drama for everyone. Stop reading. Just know that OTP (and most characters) had a happy ending but there was a bunch of drama to achieve it. Typical. And a death may or may not have been in the mix.  

Well well well... I'm pleasantly surprised, that's the perfect three word review for this drama. It would seem that when those little projects that come out of nowhere and you have no expectations about, turn out to be even a little big good, they made the strongest impression. And this drama is up there in my top 3 of favorite dramas of the year, it has my heart.

Yes, it was about kpop idols and 90% of the cast was made of idols (even one from the very first kpop gen hahaha), yet the acting was decent (and from some, truly great), yes sometimes it got a bit cheesy and silly and yes, there was a ton of drama concerning fans, reporters, dating scandals and bad and greedy CEOs of entertainment agencies BUT it was also sweet, really romantic, funny, lively, full of music (I'm OBSESSED with the last OST which was sung by the whole cast, it makes me FEEL things) and dancing, it had lots friendship and found family AND at times, it was heartbreakingly tragic.

I think this drama tried to tell the audience two important lessons, worthy of mention: the first, work hard for your dreams, don't give up on them but also, you never know what opportunities might come your way that could end up changing your direction and perhaps make you chase something that you never thought you would, so persevere, breathe and hang in there just a bit more; the second, one that we all know if you have a little bit of sense and even if you are mildly informed about the k entertainment which is that idols are just people(most of them teens when they debut some not even 18) who want to and deserve to have a pretty f-ing normal life, so f-ing let them! the consequences of putting these youngsters over a pedestal are catastrophic and there are real life, heartbreaking, examples of this.

Main characters

Ryok: the Golden Boy of kpop, from the most popular boy group, also a an actor (a decent one? Idk they never said). Perfect in every single aspect, except when he is nice to girls who aren't his fans, then they will crucify him. SUPER clumsy whenever his crush is nearby and does something he finds cute, otherwise super cool and chill. Also great at pining for his crush. A romantic, which means he chose the worst career path. My favorite character.

Maha: A bright and optimistic girl with a strong might of perseverance in going after her dreams. Loves dancing. Very sweet and very tiny. Despite appearances, she's not a pushover or weak FL. And that's why I loved her.

Yujin: Second ML by the book. Became an idol because he was pursuing FL (who in turn was pursuing ML). The only reason why I never hated him is because he was a great friend, knew he wasn't doing anything healthy and decided to end his one sided love and opened his eyes. Two words: Character development *chef's kiss*

LaRiMa: A soloist. A Queen. At the start, it looked like she was the typical and mean second FL. But she wasn't, and I adored her for that. She had a heart of gold. She deserved the world, and she knew that so she made decisions accordingly (a Queen chases no one, least of all a man!) lol best character in the drama and my second favorite character (sorry Maha!)

Also starring: The members of SHAX (the leader, SF9′s Hwiyoung, the maknae from Ateez and the funny guy who spoke random english) the group of Golden Boy. Tea Party members (bffs with FL, Riah and HyunJi), Maha’s group. Sparkling members (the very angry and frustrated leader and two members of Ateez whose names I don’t know), second ML group. AND in the longest and most important cameo (ala Go Kyung Pyo in My roommate is a Gumiho) SF9′s Chani, a former member of SHAX, who disappeared into thin air one day.

The story

On paper it doesn't sound like anything groundbreaking (and tbh it really wasn't lol): a story about idols who willingly chose their career path, trained for years while underage, got treated like products by ugly men in suits and realized it kinda sucked, especially when you don't become a hit group and have to protect your personal life like it's a dirty secret that could damage your image and maybe end your career this is why I said it’s not a show for everyone. But this drama is what Dream High 2 (2012) wanted to be and never could in the aspect of actually making you feel something for these idols and the situations they were facing while loving the musical side of the show and making it all believable.

Even if it's not exactly about teens in high school sort of thing, it does give you the same hopeful and uplifting feeling of a coming of age story, especially because the characters are still youngsters trying to be happy and realize their dreams for the future.

You can just stop reading here if you want to go watch the drama with no spoilers. And if I haven’t convinced you despite not being appalled by kpop themed dramas, then I guess you should keep reading lol or trust in my taste and judgement when I say the story is worth it (but to be fair the first two eps are a bit slow).

The romance (super spoilery!)

At the core, this show was a love story. What started the plot is the fact that main couple reunite in the same work field as idols, and they actually met and befriended each other years ago; so being older and able to spent more time together brings them closer to finally accept and give into their feelings, but soon enough their relationship becomes a ticking bomb threatening their careers and then this big mystery of how and why SF9' Chani disappeared and abandoned the group becomes really important in the last third of the drama

Because once upon a time, Chani had a gf but she was still a trainee so once their love was exposed (the truth of who exposed him is devastating) and their respective companies threatened them, it all becomes too much too fast and with seemingly no other way out, the girl makes a terrible decision, that ends up changing the lives of most of the characters.

I’m sure this is from a bts but their chemistry was really good and sweet. Also, height difference to die for!!

Yet, there is a happy ending for main couple but it's only achieved after certain people learn from their mistakes and support Ryok and Maha, which makes it clear that no matter how in love and willing you are to face adversities for and with your loved one, you still need a support system (and maybe the right people in a position of power) because sometimes two against the world isn't as romantic as it sounds, but sad and lonely.

And the main reason why I loved this is because of the way the show drew a parallel between the two most important couples in the story and tells the audience “had it been even a year before, under different circumstances and less luck, had they had no friends and no people to support them, main couple would’ve ended in the same tragic way” and I think that is a haunting realization. That also makes you appreciate things.

*cries* they were adorable

The bad (spoilers!)

I do wish this drama would’ve elaborated on some bits that were really worth diving into, or that it would’ve shown how some things came intro fruition instead of just skipping it and showing rigth away the outcome of conversations that were never had or reunions never shown. It is clear to me that they wanted to make the drama longer and could have told a better story had it been a 16 ep show. 

Basically yes, the main story, main romance and side couples' arcs got resolved but ugh a list of plot holes:

Why was LaRiMa so obsessed with Ryok for half the drama? The minute the girl knew he was dating someone he truly liked, she gave up right away, so I gotta believe the only reason she didn’t quit on him before, is because he did gave her a reason to hold onto him. Perphaps they dated before? Or maybe they like each other at one point? I can only do fanfiction in my head to explain this.

Why was the angry leader of Sparkling such a bitter bitch? How did he end up in another company?

I wanted to see SF9′s Chani reunion with his ex-members from SHAX.  It NEEDED to happen. At least they showed Chani with Ryok (which was really emotional) but arrgh.

Also, Chani deserved a kneeling apology from SHAX leader, I mean, come on!!

If everyone knew about Maha and Ryeok at some point, they needed to use that. You can’t just have a bomb like that in your drama and not use it. Is a principle of storytelling. You can’t just have the thing that your main characters fear the most, in your hands, and do nothing about it. But I guess it was not done because of lack of time.

Also, they never showed how they announced their relationship. Instagram post? Company statement? An exclusive to Dispatch? And how did the fans took it?? Answers, drama! Damn it!!

Final thoughts

Despite its many flaws, I loved it. It had heart. It seemed low budget and even more so due to the fact that it was done in the middle of the pandemic and a big part of kpop are the fans and concerts, you know what makes it all the more big and shinier. But the drama people and the actors put effort into it, and you could tell (and the fact that there were also original songs and choreographies made for this drama amazes me, and that they chose to promote the drama by having some of these fake groups perform on actual music shows). So there you go, I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Before I finish, let me just say that the actor who played Ryok is a REVELATION in my eyes.This boy needs to stay in dramaland and get more main roles (and after some research I’m happy to say that he is thriving!!). Also, he has great timing for comedy. The actress who played Maha elevated the quality of every scene she was in. (Not for nothing she was God in DAYS). Jiyeon (LaRiMa) was excellent. It really showed at times that she’s not only an experienced idol but also an experienced actress. The contrast with most of the cast was noticeable, sadly. The drama wouldn’t have been the same without these three.

Also, watch AND listen to the last OST sung by the whole cast here. Beautiful song that just makes you cry if you’ve seen the drama.

[chaotic-bells]

@holyshit tagged me for this lovely tag game with questions and stuff. I’ll also add a read more because you know me - rambling and stuff, this will probably be long.

🌼 what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Bells

🌼 when is your birthday?

Dec 22

🌼 where do you live?

Ireland

🌼 three things you’re doing right now?

Answering this, trying to find Interview with a Vampire to watch with @whatagreatproblemtohave and @evilovesyou (and possibly @vintageumbroshirt?) later today :) and chatting on Discord. Yey for multitasking.

🌼 four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

Lucifer, One Direction, MCU, Teen Wolf

🌼 how is the pandemic treating you?

I don’t want my answer to seem like I’m ignoring/belittleing a lot of shit that happened - however I feel like my life improved a lot? I have a lot more time for myself because I don’t waste 3 hours coming and going to work, plus getting ready “business casual” in uncomfortable clothes. I eat a lot better because I have time to cook, and access to a proper kitchen, instead of just getting cafeteria food. I’ve met amazing people this past year and discovered new hobbies, my cats are cuddlier than ever because they’re getting attention the whole day and are not alone for hours on end. I’ve saved money that I used to spend in said food and transport to work, plus the pressure to go out and socialize (while spending ridiculous amounts of money) is much less, and I get to enjoy a lot while I’m home. Sure there were dark times, worrying and I lost multiple family members to Covid, but this past year really had a lot more bright spots.

🌼 song you can’t stop listening to right now?

Little Simz entire new album!! Omg sound is so amazing. Honestly, the whole album is amazing (and I’ve been annoying people for hours already) but I’m particularly vibing with Speed, Point and Kill and Woman. But like, even the Intermission tracks narrated by Emma Corrin are good. It’s like an Alice in Wonderland vibe, like in The Rapper That Came To Tea.

🌼 recommend a movie

omg I’ve been watching so many movies recently. hmmm... The Suicide Squad was fun. Brutal, but fun.

🌼 how old are you?

32

🌼 school, university, occupation, other?

9-5 office corporate job. But I think I’ll eventually go back to college to finish a degree.

🌼 do you prefer hot or cold?

Cold. Always. I hate feeling warm, hot, or whatever.

🌼 name one fact others may not know about you.

Kay’s answer is a mood - is like I know nothing about me ever in these. eh...I’ve done pole dance classes for some time. 👀

🌼 are you shy?

Not really. I’m not shy, but that does not mean I am particularly fond of in person human interaction. 😂

🌼 do you have any preferred pronouns?

I have she/they in my profile to make things easier, but... Not really? Even using my full name at work (just because it’s on my corporate email and stuff), a lot of people still use sir/he/him to refer to me and I’m just as comfortable (I’ve learned to ignore the implicit mysoginy of this a while ago because I work in a male dominated field and I would go crazy if I actually care about this)

🌼 any pet peeves?

Male blindness - like when my housemate asks me where something is, and I tell him, and then they insist it’s not there, and then I have to get up and interrupt what I’m doing and grabbing whatever it is, which is precisely where I told him it was, and it was right in front of him. Now, I know this is just a ridiculous pet peeve, and I am fully aware is something small. lol

🌼 what’s your favourite “dere” type?

Deredere - I just like fluff, ok? Also, this is a very brief description of some of the most common archetypes.  Basically, it’s animes personalities.

🌼 rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

I’m going to skip this one lol

🌼 what’s your main blog?

hmm this one lol

🌼 list your side blogs and what they’re used for.

@kenshin-and-maki, for my cat pictures. I rarely use it lol

🌼 is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

Nope. No warning label here. No tags. lol friends, feel free to add something if you feel like I need to let people know something before being friends lol

I’ll tag @whatagreatproblemtohave​, @evilovesyou, @vintageumbroshirt, @justalarryblog, @counttoinfinityy, @1dwoodchuck, @inwhichalex, @bitnotgood28 and @arcticfoxsundays

[tuanyiems]

The Spirit of Christmas

Jaebum x Reader holiday!au, roommate!au words: 2.8k

Plot: You are sugar and spice and everything nice and your roommate, Jaebum is coal—at least, that’s how it seems at first glance. With the pandemic and Christmas Eve coming to an end, maybe it’s not just Jaebum that needs a little Christmas spirit. 

a/n – guess whose household got covid in time for Christmas? 2020 hates me lol anyways, I said I was going to post a Jackson holiday au but that was taking too long, I’ll post it next Christmas lmao here is jb and his kitties in the meantime <3 happy holidays folks, stay safe and merry and I’ll meet you in the new year

“What is that?” Jaebum looks at you incredulously as you carry an armful of green into his living room. You let it fall onto the floor, much to his annoyance and his cats’ pleasure. Nora flops onto her belly, rubbing against the green sticks.

“It’s our Christmas tree!” you grin, running your fingers through the fur of her belly and earning a nip to your fingers. You giggle at the tickle of her teeth on your thumb. Despite her feisty disposition, Nora very rarely ever bites for real.

“That’s a pile of plastic,” your roommate plops himself on the couch, feet thrown over the coffee table.

Your mouth twists as you push the ottoman closer to him with a gentle push of your fuzzy sock-clad feet. Jaebum glances at the bright yellow ottoman you brought into the apartment when he told you about a million times that the thing was a waste of money (and a neon eyesore). He then looks over at your feet looking awfully like a red stocking, and he truly does mean the awful part. He keeps his feet on the coffee table and leans back into the couch, arms behind his head.

“It’s a Christmas tree,” you emphasize, lifting his legs with a huff onto the ottoman. You dust your hands before placing them onto your hips. “And you’re going to help me put it up!”

He frowns, looking into your eager eyes. “Remind me why I moved in with you again?”

“Because I had a spare room and you needed someone willing to live with five cats,” you answer easily like you always do. You throw one of the plastic limbs at him. “Now come on, let’s get festive!”

“Your festive and my festive are very different,” Jaebum sighs, but he gets up anyways.

“Noted,” you chuckle, clearing a space on the floor for him to sit beside you.

You grab your phone to turn on your playlist, lovingly titled “HO! HO! HO!iday Cheer” and immediately you can see Jaebum’s face sour at the familiar jingle as Mariah Carey’s voice echoes through the room. 

“Oh, we’re going with my festive, just so you know,” you warn him belatedly. He blows at his bangs, shoulders slumping in surrender.

“Let’s just get this over with before my ears start bleeding,” he grumbles, grabbing hold of a couple plastic limbs.

“That’s the spirit!” you cheer, slapping him on the back. You don’t miss the small twitch of his lips.

You had a lot of hopes for this year, all of which pretty much went down the drain. That was life though, you rolled with the punches. But you certainly did not expect that when you opened your home to Jaebum and his five cats, that just two weeks after, he would be your only social life for the next nine months (if you didn’t count your biweekly grocery outings). 

And while you have nothing against Jaebum—in fact, you absolutely love his five cats—it doesn’t take a genius to tell that the two of you are very different. Jaebum’s black on black fashion, motorcycle riding, sterling silver face piercing-self, next to your pastel, soft knit cardigan-wearing, always smelling like bread and daisies…the two of you are a walking metaphorical neon sign flashing “opposites!”

“Why does that matter? He’s going to be my roommate, not my husband!” you had shrugged Jinyoung’s warning without a second thought. 

That memory would come back to bite you during the first three months of shared living, for every time he woke you up from his random 3am showers or played horror movies in the living room right before your bedtime, and especially whenever he responded to your silly jokes with a deadpan face or worse, his unrelenting despondency. 

Over time though, you learned how to read him—like how he was nicer after a cup of coffee or how he has trouble sleeping but always manages to fall asleep on the living room couch when you’re baking bread in the open kitchen. You’ve learned that when Jaebum scowls, it’s mostly just a reflex and actually, if you can catch a reflection whenever he’s looking away, usually he’s smiling. And although he will grumble about it the entire way through, if you ask for help, he will always be there (even when he tells you he won’t). 

Maybe you both express yourselves differently. You say “I love you” and he will ask “Did you eat yet?” You bake cupcakes and have teatime on the porch with the older neighbors, Jaebum installs cameras and buys extra essentials whenever you go grocery shopping together. You fill the windowsills with abandoned plants and bring them back to life, Jaebum leaves cat food and old blankets in your backyard for the strays. 

No one else understands when you tell them you think you and Jaebum might be the same person, but they haven’t seen him the way you have over the last nine months. Beneath his hardboiled exterior is a sensitive soul who loves quietly and cares a lot.

“There’s no point in putting this up,” Jaebum grumbles as he fits another limb into the trunk of the tree. “No one’s even gonna see it, it’s already Christmas Eve. Anyways, the Christmas party is canceled.”

“You will see it. I will see it,” you hand him another part. “Isn’t that reason enough?”

“It’s a waste of electricity,” he adds, not even glancing at you.

“The lights I bought have a timer!”

“And then it’ll be more work taking it down again.”

With a pout, you stand up and Jaebum turns his head in surprise.

“Where are you going, it almost done?”

Your frown easily twists back into a smile, seeing the way he hurries to put the last limb into the tree. “Time for the decorations!”

Jaebum rolls his eyes and looks down again and you can just tell he’s hiding another smile. You hurry off into your bedroom to grab the supplies.

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!” you sing as you reenter the living room and Michael Bublé’s voice rings from your phone. Twirling in an oversized pajama pullover (which might be Jaebum’s that got lost in your laundry three months back), you settle the box of ornaments on the floor. “I’m so excited to show you!”

He looks at you blankly, waiting for you to continue.

You squeeze your shoulders together, excitement barely contained as you reach into the box and pull out an emerald velvet pouch.

“It came in the mail just in time!” you grin, clutching the bag to your chest. 

He lifts his brow at you, but the rise of his cheekbones gives him away.

“Ta da!” you squeal, pulling round orbs out of the bag. “One of my co-workers has a side business making custom ornaments and I got one for each of the cats!”

“Woah,” Jaebum takes one of the ornaments into his palms, eyeing it closely.

You bite your lip, holding in a satisfied giggle lest you ruin the moment. He sits quietly, admiring each ornament of the cats. When he gets to the last one, you pull out one more orb from the bag, holding it up by its gold, glittering string.

“And I got one of us too,” you say quietly, showing it off to him. 

He slides closer, nose practically touching the ornament. It’s a simple, clear bulb and inside are your figurine versions, dusted with glittering snow around a Christmas tree.

Finally, Jaebum breaks into a smile, eyes disappearing into crescents. You find yourself letting out a breath you had been holding.

“They even got my cheek piercings,” he chuckles, pointing to the tiny orb. “And your derpy smile too!”

“Hey, my smile isn’t derpy!” you whine, smiling.

“It’s cute,” he adds and you falter, wondering if he means the ornament or your smile. But in true Jaebum fashion, he doesn’t explain himself and turns back to the cat ornaments. “This is really well made.”

You ignore the pulsing in your chest, nodding your head. “Yeah, I told her she should raise her prices.”

He gets up from the floor and offers you his hand. “Let’s put them up.”

Cheeks flushing, you let him help you up. 

“Do you think it’s okay though? The cats might knock them down,” his brows furrow with worry.

You chuckle, grabbing the ornament from his hand and hang it off the tree. “Pretty things are meant to be shown and if it breaks…then we’ll get new ones!”

Jaebum rolls his eyes at your optimism but a small smile stretches across his face. “I think your co-worker would be offended to hear how you treat her work.”

You shrug, crouching down to Nora and Odd as both cats swat at the ornament hanging precariously off your finger. “Art should not belong behind glass walls. They’re meant to be seen and enjoyed, like your music!”

You giggle as Odd jumps into your lap, pawing at the shiny orb as you lift it out of reach each time. You miss the way Jaebum looks at you.

“Okay, less playing and more decorating,” he replies, throwing a string of gold tinsel at your head, much to the cats’ delight. You laugh at their excitement, glancing at Jaebum’s reddened ears.

Humming to the Christmas jingles, you stand alongside Jaebum, dressing the plastic tree in glittering ornaments and lights. Once in a while, you even catch Jaebum swaying to the music when he thinks you aren’t paying attention.

“Aaand,” Jaebum lifts the shining star from the box to you and you rise onto your tiptoes.

“Done!” You cheer, placing the star on the top of the tree. You clap gleefully, elbowing Jaebum to follow. He gives you three limp claps before you give up and crouch down to Odd instead, forcing the kitty to clap paws.

“Okay, can I go to my room now?”

“Not yet!”

He groans, plopping onto the couch. “What else is there left to put up?”

You pout, hands on your hip. “We can’t have a Christmas tree without the Christmas tree lighting ceremony!”

He sighs, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “There’s a ceremony?”

“Of course there is!” you laugh, rushing towards the light switch. You flick the switch without warning, covering the living room in darkness.

With only the light from the streetlamp peeking through the windows, the falling snow is even more visible. The sight fills you with childlike excitement.

“Are you ready?” you whisper, walking over to the switch for the Christmas lights.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“We need to count down,” Your lips jut out at his indifference as you eye his dark figure. In the darkness, you can just barely see his features, but you imagine he is rolling his eyes at you.

Just as you are about to give in, you hear him sigh loudly, “Five,”

You break into a smile, “Four, three, two,”

“One…”

“Merry Christmas!” you sing, twisting the knob and flooding the room with small twinkling lights. 

But you don’t look at the tree. Instead, your gaze remains in Jaebum’s direction and you watch as the lights illuminate his face. And you are pleased to see he is smiling. You know it’s just the reflection of the lights, but he looks like he has stars in his eyes.

Sensing your gaze, Jaebum looks at you and frowns, embarrassed. “What?”

You smile, cheeks warming. “Your cheek piercing looks like it’s twinkling from here.”

“Don’t be weird,” he scowls. “Are we done now?”

“Do you want hot chocolate?” you offer, moving over to sit next to him on the couch. 

He shakes his head, getting up. “I’m going to bed.”

Chuckling, you let him leave, watching as the cats follow behind him. “Merry Christmas, Jaebum!”

“It’s not Christmas yet!” he yells back before you hear the sound of his bedroom door closing shut.

With a quiet sigh, you grab your phone from the coffee table and turn off the music. The silence feels even quieter with only the lights from the Christmas tree flickering around the room. Without anyone else in the room, your energy quickly depletes.

Outside, the snow whips by in flurries.

This is not how you imagined you’d be spending your favorite holiday, although the festive lights do make you feel a little bit better.

You wanted the Christmas gatherings though.

You were a family person through and through.

You missed it all—the packed house, cooking dinner with the aunties, playing board games with the little cousins, throwing said boardgame across the room when you rage quit, making up for it with freshly baked cookies that you’d nibble on at midnight while opening gifts by the Christmas tree. You even missed the nagging from your parents, asking when you’ll get a boyfriend and settle down.

Snuggling closer into the arm of the couch, you hug yourself. 

It’s colder this year. 

Emptier. 

“So, you turn off the Christmas music after I leave?” You jump in surprise at Jaebum’s voice entering the room again. He takes a seat next to you on the couch. “You listen to it just to annoy me, don’t you?”

You blink back, wondering why he returned. “Did you forget something?”

He shrugs, leaning back into the couch and gazes at the Christmas tree. “It’s my first Christmas tree, I thought I should look at it a little longer.”

“This is your first Christmas tree?” you look at him in surprise.

He nods nonchalantly. “Never really celebrated Christmas.”

You sink into your seat, thigh touching his. “What a year to start celebrating.”

“Only because you have me hostage.”

You chuckle softly. “Well, I’m glad you had no choice but to be stuck with me. Would’ve been a lonely year without you here.”

“Hmm,” he looks at you thoughtfully. “Never pegged you as the lonely type.”

“The holidays can do that.”

“Then just think like me, pretend it’s any other day.”

You sigh, leaning into Jaebum. He doesn’t scoot away like he normally does. Instead, you find his arm resting around your shoulder.

“I don’t want this to be any other day though. This whole year has been a blur of any other days.” Your lips jut out in a pout as you look up at your roommate. “I know I must sound like a child, but I want Christmas.”

Jaebum laughs softly. You can feel the rumble of his chest.

“Cute,” he mutters, and you flush. His arm around you pulls you tighter. “Then, do you want to open your present at midnight or in the morning?”

Your eyes widen and he laughs at your expression once more. “You got me a present?”

“Well, yeah,”

“But…you said you don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“But you do,” he answers easily, looking at the tree again. “And anyways, if you’re gonna make me do all the work, I might as well celebrate the whole thing, right?”

You grin, poking his chest. “Admit you had fun tonight, Jaebum.”

He shrugs, smiling. “The ornaments were cool. I’ll be the DJ next time though.”

“Deal,” you beam, holding out your pinky. You giggle when he looks at your outstretched pinky with an arched brow. You keep your hand raised though. “Come on!”

He lets out a loud breath but eventually curls his pinky around yours.

Your heart warms, seeing how big his pinky measures around yours. It’s why when he moves to let go, you keep your pinky curled.

Laughing at his confused frown, you show him your thumb. “You have to seal the promise, Jaebum!”

“You’re an actual five-year-old,” he groans.

“Yes, I am,” you grin, eyes curling into crescents. His tone doesn’t faze you. From up close, you can confirm that there are indeed, stars in his eyes. They twinkle in amusement at your gesture and his lips lift once more when his thumb presses against yours.

And this time, he doesn’t pull away.

Pursing your lips shyly, you let your hand fall to his lap.

Looking back up at him, his gaze is soft on you. You pretend not to notice the way his fingers thread around yours.

“To answer your question, I’d like my present at midnight.”

“As you wish. Then shall we make hot chocolate and watch a movie until then?”

“Sounds like the perfect Christmas,” you tell him softly.

“Okay, Joker or The Dark Knight? You can pick.”

You grin, squeezing his hand. “We’re gonna watch Home Alone, Jaebum.”

“You’re terrible,” he feigns.

Chuckling, you let go of his hand and rise from the couch. “I’ll go make the hot chocolate.”

Jaebum grabs your hand again and you turn back curiously.

“Hm?” 

His thumb brushes the back of your hand gently.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Jaebum.”

[juuls]

This was a comment left on chapter 11 of my fem!Tony Stuckony time travel/soulmate fic, Hanging From a Cross of Iron, and I just wanted to put a couple things out there.

First of all, I’m not mad. We’ll make that clear. I’ve received variations of this comment before and it’s rather on the mark. But sometimes both sides can be correct in how they interpret a piece of fiction, and I wanted to show that.

So… yeah. This is something I get every so often on this fic, especially around this chapter (10-12ish) and I just… really wanted to post my reply to it, if for nothing other than explaining the way my brain works and WHY I hate Captain America: Civil War so much for ruining so many good things in fandom.

I’m not putting this out there for sympathy or agreement or to start a fight or stupid shit. It’s more like a… “I’m tired of explaining myself, let me post something I feel is a semi-eloquent response to someone who was at least mostly respectful and got some things right, who I know does represent a fair portion of people who may be interested in reading this fic,” which I could then just point/link to the next time I wake up to things making me sad in my inbox on top of me being sad and feeling guilty at not having written for a while.

Stupid covid. Stupid life being dumb and depressing and draining energy and happiness from many. Just you wait. I’ll be back soon with Codega and this fic, Cross.

But here. This is my reply to the above comment:

So I don’t normally reply to critique such as this because this IS fanfiction, but you are at least part right: it IS supposed to be unfair.

This is me working out my issues with Civil War, because boy that sure as fuck pissed me off. I love Stuckony, but after CACW it was really hard to reconcile that love anymore. So this was my way to do that, and I 100% wanted to bring in the unfairness, the distrust, the favouritism, the… meanness that I saw and felt after that.

It’s also a way for me to work through my issues at the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-husband—I started writing this shortly after packing my bags and leaving.

I wanted a slow, somewhat realistic, non-fairytale path to even partial redemption, shared pain and circumstances and experiences, and to show that things CAN work out as long as certain lines are not crossed. I skirt the line sometimes, definitely on purpose, but that’s for ME.

I wanted to turn the tables: Steve (and Bucky) were out of their time and comfort zone in the future—Toni, in turn, needed to be out of her time and comfort zone in the past.

Plus, can you imagine a soulmate world where you’ve had a partner and you think “this is it”? Then bam! Suddenly someone’s suddenly thrust into your life.

And I wanted to play on every single issue Toni would have experienced with her family, friends, “friends”, enemies, Obie, her company, the world, etc., post-IM2.

None of them have had an easy go of it and war is goddamn hell. They ALL have PTSD. (But also, lol, the Howlies start laying into Stucky about what you’re getting mad about here too, so I’m way ahead of you!)

From the beginning, this was as much a psychological setting as a romantic one: way more so in the beginning. But it slowly crawls its way out of the murk. I wanted a soulmate story where it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. I wanted a story where they had to fight for it… or where they had a choice, shitty as it may be (they’ll NEVER choose not to have Toni, that was never going to happen). I wanted something… realistic, even amidst super soldiers, super tech, an almost unbelievable war, and soulmates existing.

I wanted it to be a fight. I wanted rejection… then them, ALL of them, to choose each other despite that, despite their past, and despite fate.

That is my goal with this fic. And since I take my own sweet time, that’s really not readily apparent so soon in this fic, even at chapter 11.

The love will be there. The unconditional love, the equal triadic love. Not just Stucky plus Toni. Because believe me, Stucky is probably one of my least favourite ships that include some of my favourite characters. Sounds ridiculous since I write them here, but as a historian I wanted to take that, take some realism, with a dash of ridiculous and hurt and pain and anger, and see what I could do with that.

The entire reason this story exists is because of a scene idea I had that doesn’t come about until the future in the 20s chapters. Leaning on each other and trusting each other because one of them was lost. Well, technically, that happens twice.

But the point is: this is a long as fuck story towards a love they have to (and WANT to, eventually) fight tor.

This fic is for me. It’s for people like me. It’s for people who don’t want an easy love story. It’s absolutely okay that you don’t like it! There are SO many fics that I dislike for a variety of reasons, and I simply close it, mark it as Did Not Finish, and don’t return. I recognize not every fic is for me.

This one’s for me. I may have sort of stalled out where I’m at in the 20s chapters, but it’s left at a pretty good place, and I’m looking forward to this dumb pandemic so I can get back to forging this love between these three idiots, as well as pick up an old Star Wars story I left 4+ years ago due to the abuse at the hands of my ex. But I’m ready to return to it now. Well, after the world calms down a little.

It’s okay if you’re done with this story—that is 100% your choice and I will never begrudge you that. I’m glad you gave it a try though! If you’re interested, you could skip ahead and see how the dynamics have changed, or I could give you clips and examples too.

My one wish (though I understand it completely) is that you had not done this on Anon. For a few reasons:

1, I would never hold this opinion against you, especially because you got tons of it right! Go you!

2, I’d love to understand you better and discuss this with you. No recriminations whatsoever.

3, But I do wonder who of those who have read my other writings left me this message. It makes me a little sad, and I will wonder which of the people I talk to have this negative opinion of me now, but that’s also my own past issues rearing their ugly heads. You have every right to remain on Anon, though it’s not so nice when you wake from a nice dream and discover anon ‘dislike’ in your inbox on a work you slaved away on, and that the dislike is specifically about the things you wrote about deliberately, hah. Sorta funny, actually, so I’ll let that one go. xD

Thank you, though, even if I disliked reading this words: it helps me to look at my own work critically and to better understand how to frame and write things going forward.

Not every fic is for everyone, and that’s okay. I’ve encountered mine, you’ve encountered yours, but I think we’ve both learned from this interaction.

Whoever you may be, even if you divulge your handle to me, my respect for you wouldn’t diminish. It’s good to have healthy discussions and to look critically upon your own work—even if I am a sensitive bean and it hurts a little, I’m fine. :P

I think the lesson to be learned here is: fuck everything after CACW!!!! Grrrrr xD

Take care,

Juuls

P.S. I may post parts of this on my Tumblr because I do occasionally encounter similar complaints about this story, and I think maybe this is the most coherent and respectful enough comment-reply response I’ve had on this topic. Thank you.

P.P.S. Happy to talk privately too!

P.P.P.S. And the offer still stands for some lovely clips from future chapters, especially if you’re not considering continuing reading this story anymore; it’ll at least show what I’m talking about and what I’ve been working tirelessly towards. It’s hard—fucking hard—work to get past CACW and still like these characters together (my fic Paper Boats is probably one of my bigger testaments to that, oof) and I admit it’s still really really hard and I struggle with it. Covid isn’t the only reason I’ve sort of stalled out on that. But that’s more because I’m like “now what?” than not seeing any love between these three.

It’s a long journey. I knew it was going to be. But I like a challenge. :)

Take care, be well, stay safe, to you and all of yours.

And may you find many fics you love!

[themeghaproject]

One Year of Med School Completed!!

MY FIRST YEAR OF MED SCHOOL IS DONE. INSANITY!! I passed all my exams and in August I’ll officially be an M2. It’s a little surreal I just did a whole year of med school sucessfully. I still feel like I know nothing but there is some level of uneasiness that has disappeared. 

Mid October, I didn’t sleep the night before my week in the hospital began because I was so unbelievably nervous. I had no idea where anything was, I barely knew my classmates, and my medical knowledge could be summed up in three sentences. Flash forward to April, my friends and I decide to stop by the hospital after a meeting at school to check out a bake sale. We’re pleasantly chatting and laughing as we make our way to the hospital cafeteria. No hesitation about if we’re going in the right direction or if security is going to stop us..this is such a small instance of comfort and if I was walking into the hospital to do anything legitimate I’d still freak out, but hey, I’ll still count this as a win!  

I wish I had some advice to give about the first year but I don’t. I think my experience was so different given the pandemic. I will say that while the vast knowledge that is demanded of you is incredibly difficult one of the harder aspects for me was the loneliness. For the first time in my life, I found myself standing in unfamiliar territory that no one close to me understood. My life looked so different from my friends and family. In the past year, there have been so many instances where I would go to dinner with my childhood friends and I would simply stay silent and smile as they told me about all the wild adventures they go on as “normal” 21 year olds. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t leave me feeling insecure. 

 I decided to seek out help. I started seeing a therapist in January, and it’s been great! It’s nice to have a neutral third party to rant to, and even though I like to think I’m pretty self aware, she brings a fresh new perspective. She has made me realize things about myself that I was pretty oblivious to before. That being said, I sometimes find all the psychoanalysis annoying. I already spend so much time overthinking my every move. I think I’m learning my journey with therapy may be a bit disjointed and infrequent.

While there have been difficulties and breakdowns, there have also been successes and wins! I like to think I’ve made a few friends. They’re all great and I genuinely love spending time with them! I am excited to make more connections as we move to a more in-person format in August. Whether it feels like it or not, my medical knowledge has increased. 

Medical school was nothing like what I anticipated. I think when I first started this blog I expected to fill it with cute, rom-com type funny stories..ya there haven’t been very many of those LOL. Medical school isn’t the fantasy musical I had created in my head. I blame myself for that but it was also EVERYONE around me who perpetuated that. For years, people in my life told me that I just needed to put my head down and work hard because when I went to med school “everything would fall into place”. I think something a lot of medical students learn fairly early on is that in this long journey there’s never a time where it gets easier. Fun doesn’t disappear. Not at all. You just have to make time for the fun and the “easy”. There won’t come a time where you can be like “okay! it’s over!” because the path to becoming a physician is relentless. 

I’m honestly a little shocked at how I carried myself this year. This is the most academic stress I’ve ever endured yet I wasn’t as “crazy” as I have been in the past. Maybe it’s maturity and maybe it’s exhaustion. Caring is important. I still find myself occasionally answering emails in the shower lmao..but am I checking my grades while I’m out with friends or while I’m driving? No.

With one year down, I’m trying to figure out if I’m happy with where I am, with how I did. I’m not at the top of my class, school doesn’t consume my every thought, and I’m not in 10 research projects. I’ll be honest: those facts stress me out a little but I’m also strangely okay with it. I want to be the best doctor I can be but I don’t think I want that to be my whole life--a revelation 17 year old me would have a stroke hearing. My final verdict is that I’m proud of myself for making it here and after this break I’m ready to get back to it and do even better! Happy Summer!