#this way I'm hurting absolutely nobody and I will not stand to be judged for it

[malachitezmeyka]

Months ago I installed a deadname replacer extension for my browser and now occasionally seek out Kuvira/original character smut fics featuring the kinks I prefer and replace the OC's name with Suiren so I can pretend it's a Kuviren fic. This is because I am Normal

[sapphic-agent]

It is SO interesting how Glee fans (the Glee Subreddit) label Mercedes with an attitude problem. Let's rehash 3x03 for a minute.

Mercedes Quitting

Mercedes, clearly struggling: My ankle hurts.

Schue: Push through it.

Mercedes, bent over in obvious pain: I don't feel good.

Schue: You're fine.

Mercedes: No I'm not.

What absolutely irks me about what people choose to focus on in this scene is that Mercedes didn't start off yelling. She was communicating very quietly and respectfully that she was in pain and couldn't continue. It wasn't until Schue dismissed her twice that she began to raise her voice.

(There's also a stigma around Black women, especially bigger Black women, and pain. Schue not taking her seriously in this scene is actually a bigger problem than most people realize)

She then points out that Schue is always picking on her, which is very much backed up by him being supportive of and easy on Finn but then pushing her ten times harder. And don't say it's because Finn put more effort because Schue prior to this would have had no way of knowing how much he practiced at home.

Mercedes: Where's Rachel, huh? I don't see her here! Being "apart of the team!"

Finn, under his breath: Rachel practices-

Mercedes: Nobody asked you, Finn!

What's crazy to me is that people harp on Mercedes for this in particular. Finn had zero right to insert himself into the conversation. And he knew that too, that's why he said it so quietly. No one else said anything because it wasn't their business. And of course it pissed Mercedes off more. Everyone's showing grace to Rachel, but no one bothered to do the same with her.

(Also, we never saw Rachel practice this specific choreo. So what Finn said might not have even been true because let's be honest, Schue wouldn't have made her anyway)

Mercedes: You give that skinny Garanimal-wearing ass-kisser everything! And for two years, I took it. But not anymore, I'm done.

You can certainly make the argument that this was disrespectful... But then you also have to admit that Rachel was the same, if not worse. You cannot say that Mercedes had an attitude problem, but Rachel is just so silly and "peak Glee." That isn't fair, especially because Rachel has done it multiple times, for way less justified reasons. And was never threatened with being kicked out permanently like Mercedes was.

Judging Mercedes harder than Rachel here is a double standard.

Mercedes Giving up Maria

Mercedes: Are you double-casting any other roles?

Bieste, Artie, Emma: No.

Mercedes, getting up: Thank you for your time

Very respectful here. Not one ounce of attitude.

Mercedes was better than Rachel. Rachel knew it (even admitted it) and so did everyone else. So the fact that they still chose to double cast it was such a slap in the face. They were pandering to Rachel, and screwed Mercedes over in the process. Of course she was insulted.

Bieste: Where are you going?

Mercedes, to Rachel: Tell me you are better than me.

Again, not even the slightest hint of malice towards Rachel. Mercedes respects Rachel to a degree, and doesn't feel the need to insult her to get her point across. Mercedes handles this whole interaction very maturely.

Artie: Mercedes, don't make this a stupid pride thing.

Mercedes: Oh, it's a pride thing, but it's not stupid. Congratulations, you've got the part.

Artie's intervention in this scene is very telling. Mercedes was calm, collected, and respectful here but he (and everyone else, just look at their faces. They're acting like she's yelling and swearing) still acts like she's being combative. If a Black woman stands up for herself, she's being aggressive or rude or problematic. She's blowing it out of proportion so it's easy for everyone to brush it aside.

If you think Mercedes has an attitude problem because she stands up for herself and doesn't roll over for Rachel or Schue or Finn, check yourself. Just because a Black woman isn't afraid to speak up doesn't mean she has an attitude

Argue with the wall

[nelyos-right-hand]

Re: fandom disagreements about Elwing/Fëanorians/whoever - what irks me here is that none of this was a problem for years when it was a common practice to piss on Elwing and various other female characters, but when people start defending them and acting in the same way against their rivals, people are suddenly amazed at how much it sucks to have your faves hated even in their tags. I don't think it's in itself a sign of misogyny to dislike Elwing or someone else, but when the fandom comes up with completely unfounded ideas in order to villainize these women while woobifying and explaining away the actual canon crimes of male characters, one can't help but draw some conclusions. So let's talk more when this fandom learns to respect women.

Hey Anon, thanks for writing me!

One thing I should probably say in advance: When I talk about "fans should be nice to each other in the kidnap fam/Elwing corner" I meant both Elwing and kidnap fam fans, I hope it didn't sound like I was only criticising the Elwing side, because that really wasn't my intention. I also only mean a small minority of people, and I don't know you, but since you came here to talk civilly about it and explain your issues, I assume you're not one of them, so I hope you didn't feel offended.

I absolutely understand your frustration, and I know that it's not easy for Elwing fans in the fandom; liking Elwing isn't a hot take anymore, but it's also far from mainstream. Nobody likes it when a person they love is portrayed negatively, and you have every right to defend her.

On the topic of disliking Elwing and misogyny - There might very well be misogynistic people in the fandom. It's actually rather likely. There're probably also racists in the fandom. This is the internet, and it's never completely free of idiots. And even though we can't change that, that's of course still not a good thing. But I don't think it's possible to identify those people based on their opinions on characters. The reason for that is that the characters we like don't mirror our moral compass. If Maedhros was a real person, he should go to prison for the rest of his life, and I would never even come close to defending him, but as a fictional character I can like him. It's like dark romance: No one would actually date their murderous stalker, but it's nice to read about it in a book.

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't any fans who dislike Elwing out of misogynistic reasons, only that I'm not in the position to judge that. And while I don't actually know any of the people in this fandom personally, I have met many very nice people, for example my beloved mutals, and some of them like and others dislike Elwing, and I do feel the need to defend them; There might be bad people in this fandom, but most of those I have interacted with are absolutely wonderful.

But I'm getting off topic and sappy. I think whether or not we have the right to draw conclusions based on these kind of things is a rather philosophical and complex question, so I get it if you disagree. The problem I addressed in my post also wasn't really about whether some people out there are misogynistic, but that some people say "Everyone who likes/dislikes Elwing is a bad person" and that's wrong and hurtful.

Now, this post has gotten way longer and chaotic than I was planning (I'm so sorry for rambling, I have to get that under control), so maybe a short summary: You're right that Elwing has been hated for many years and that it's good that her fans are standing up for her, you're also right that it sucks to only hear negative things about the characters you love. I don't think we can draw conclusions on people's moral compass based on their opinions on characters, but that's a rather complex question. What's important to me is that we treat each other with respect, don't insult others because they like/dislike a character we don't, and accept it when someone has different views on something.

I hope this helped/adressed your issues/answered your question. If not, or if I maybe misunderstood you, or something else, feel free to contact me again, I found it very interesting to hear your opinion on this and it helped me understand some things!

[saltheartgal]

I'm gonna be completely honest... Considering how many *very* visceral comments there are and how much bullying occurs whenever Rika is bought up, I can say for certain that there is a decent chuck of the fan base that actually do want to see her get abused or killed. Not even five minutes ago I saw a comment about wanting to see Rika get shot the face, in the past I've seen YouTube comments on the judge ending video cheering on that she gets 🍇 'd, on reddit I've seen Rika fans be told they are psycho and abusers for relating to her abuse and/or mental illness (mute and block are your best friends but unfortunately you still have to get exposed to triggering content ☹️). Being a Rika fan or even neutral on her is hell. I do understand and agree most people who are normal and well adjusted don't want her to suffer but to see her go to jail for her crimes, however, there is absolutely a portion of fans who literally just want misery porn for her. I absolutely agree that Cheritz was unprofessional and shouldn't spitefully put in triggering content but unfortunately the people they are portraying aren't a pretend strawman. These people are very real in my experience.

I feel like if they wanted to draw a line in the sand, stand their ground, and say "hey, this is our character and this is the kind of story we want to tell" there are better, more mature, professional ways of doing that. Like, maybe putting out a post saying they do not approve of the bullying and toxic mindsets that are common in the fandom. I would be all for it as a lot of this kind of behavior has soured my experience in the fandom. The literal theme of this game isn't that you should always forgive it's about not letting the anger consume you to the point of hurting others and yourself. A message that a lot people seem to hate for some reason even though they're the one who need it most. Too many people in this fandom get mad, throw common sense out the window, and lash out at others.

Sorry for being long winded but I often see "nobody wants ___" and that's simply not true. Idk, I just want to enjoy one of my fav otome without bad faith arguments of why the antagonist who embodies the majority of the games themes doesn't deserve redemption, rehabilitation, or a happy ending. This isn't directed at any person in particular but a common mindset I often see. I'm sorry if I come off bitter I just feel sad when I think about it. All the messed up, violent stuff I've seen is very upsetting 🥲

Judge ending rant

What the fuck was that? Cheritz, people want Rika to go to jail for her crimes. Nobody said she needs to marry her abuser! What the fuck? What is wrong with you?!

[kikyan]

hi!! I just found this blog and I can't say I don't absolutely love it!!

I just read poly lan zhan and wei wuxian.

so I'm wondering if you could write something like that!! maybe with a really strong reader or the reader from the wen clan.

I would prefer male reader but I understand if you want to make it gn!!

love your work by the way!! <3

Thank you for your support, omg I’m sorry I’ve been on an unofficial break and had a lot to return to! Thanks for understanding with the GN reader since that’s what I’m most comfortable with! 

I tend to write separate headcanons for them but tbh, at this point I’m going to write them together. I’ve seen the animation (donghua) and the live action, currently reading the novels! The animation and the drama are a bit different, in the drama the Wen Clan was a part of the event the Gusu clan held but in the animation, that wasn’t a thing so I’m going to stick with the animation. WWX did meet Wen Ning during the sunshot campaign if I remember correctly? Regardless, the Wen clan are slightly hated at this point. Minus the exceptions (Wen Ning and Wen Qing’s small branch), the Wen clan is full of arrogant and ego full assholes who nobody likes. While you try your hardest not to be like them, people still lump you with them. 

I like to think that LWJ doesn’t exactly hold any negative emotions towards you, you’re just. . .there. WWX however, is a mix. You’re apart of the Wen clan so at first he may be a bit like on guard, but he’s not one to judge too quickly so he waits to see how you are before affirming his belief. Once he deems you’re not a threat and just misunderstood, he tries to do that playful teasing. 

“You’re a sight for sore eyes, normally the Wen clan is full of inexperienced yet proud members.” 

While he may be correct, it hurts to have your name disrespected. You try to avoid WWX as much as possible and focus on your mission, but he’s always around. I think the main point is what you chose to do when the Wen Clan tries to take control. Are you going to stand up for the others or are you going to assert power. LWJ, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t see him liking anyone other than WWX, so while I have written headcanons for him in the romantic sense, he’s doing it for WWX. LWJ may end up forming platonic feelings, but probably not romantic. So having that in mind, I think LWJ would enjoy knowing that even in the Wen Clan, there are still some good people. He’d probably give advice or support you, try to guide you into doing the right thing. WWX is probably the person who probably thinks power dynamics are somewhat attractive. He loves assertion! I don’t exactly have much to add, during the battle they probably hope you haven’t died or on apposing sides. When the small Wen Clan branch is being murdered they also hope you have gotten to safety. WWX would probably try his hardest to ensure you survive. LWJ would also, he really admires the strength you have to go against your own clan even if it’s wrong (secretly until after WWX dies because he did go against his clan and received I think 300 slashes?) 

[coffeedrgn87]

Fighting To Be Seen 👀

TW: gender, dysphoria, mental health (brief mention of anxiety and depression)

The last couple of months have been anything but a rollercoaster of joy. Not that I believe a rollercoaster could ever be joyful, but that is a) my personal opinion (deeply rooted in my fear of said contraptions) and b) I digress.

As it turns out, and sadly I've had the "delight" to experience this first hand, too many places aren't ready for non-binary folks.

My personal fight for recognition started when I first chose to step out of the closet about identifying as non-binary. It was a scary time, but I also felt like coming out allowed me properly acknowledge my true self, something I hadn't done in a very long time.

After that first step out into the open, I boldly and proudly changed my pronouns to she/they absolutely everywhere. Sadly, I quickly realised that it made next to no difference. Yes, all these places wanted to know my pronouns but apart from a supportive handful of people (most I'd met through fandom), nobody cared...or made any effort to speak to me about my choice of pronouns / use them interchangeably. It seemed like by coming out (yet again), I'd condemned myself to a life of misperception and having to grind my teeth while others blatantly ignored what was right in front of their eyes.

While I wasn't directly targeted with hateful rhetoric, the constant misgendering weight on me heavily. What hurt the most was the incessant use of gendered terminology: girls, ladies, etc., the list is practically endless. Each time I heard or read those words, I felt excluded from whatever group I was in.

The feeling is hard to describe, but for me personally, it felt like a sharp stab directly into my heart, directly followed by somebody throwing a bucket of ice over my head. It hurt. So much. Despite my medication, my anxiety rose to levels I'd not experienced before - at least not for such prolonged a period of time. In addition to that, I had other major real life worries that made me feel like my favourite rug was being dragged from under my feet regardless of how much I clawed at it to stop it from slipping away.

I sought solace in fandom. I dropped the she/her pronouns entirely, thinking people would pay more attention to seeing they/them pronouns -- I was sorely mistaken. Yes, people in fandom went above and beyond to honour my wishes, to make me feel seen, but the rest of the world didn't seem to care, still doesn't. I changed my clothes, adding a binder (my pride and joy!) and wearing more androgynous clothing. My hair had been short for a good while, and I liked it that way, but I went shorter still. I tried so hard to create a person of indeterminate sex, which is how I see myself. I even found a gender-neutral name I fell in love with and adopted wholeheartedly.

None of that mattered. Not even to my family, especially not to my family, but that's another story.

People still look at me and see someone they presume to be female. They see feminine features and hear a feminine voice and their decision is made. I must be a woman. Well, I am not. I don't feel like one. Sure, I have moments where I feel more feminine, but I mostly keep those moments to myself. Mainly for fear of being judged and experiencing yet more misgendering, but also because those feelings belong to me and nobody else.

So, over the past six months I've done nothing but fight to have my chosen name recognised. I've spoken to more LGBTQIA+ NGOs/charities than I've done in my entire life, I've changed therapists and can now proudly say that I'm in the healing hands of a person who sees me as me, a person without a specific gender attached to them.

You'd think that all that energy I pour into fighting to be seen would lead to change, but I mostly just feel like I'm yelling into a soundproofed bottomless pit. I've found myself standing in front of the mirror, wondering whether it's all worth it and it hurts that in 2022 we still live in a world where this is a question trans/non-binary and gender-diverse people have to ask themselves. It's also shocking. I've always been on the road less travelled, but the past couple of months have been a steady stream of my anxiety feeding into my depression and taking away every ounce of energy.

There've been too many times where I couldn't get off the sofa, looked at the dishes and saw nothing but Mt Everest despite there only being two plates and a mug to clean, stood in front of the door to my flat and couldn't convince myself to set a foot outside, and cried bitter tears. I've been angry for months, all because everywhere I turn I've got to ask to be seen.

Some random real life examples:

My neighbour, a lovely parent to a sweet toddler, couldn't understand it when I said that makeup isn't really my thing. Someone took a look at me and decided I must be female. The feeling was so intense, it nearly choked me.

I attended a meeting on culture in the workplace, apparently tailored to me, only to find myself listening to a fifteen-minute presentation about women in the workplace. I don't even know how to begin to describe how I felt. Unwanted is a word that comes to mind. Unseen, hurt, sad are also emotions I experienced. When I spoke up, I got an apology, but the damage had already been done, despite me being upfront about my pronouns and gender.

My dead name was leaked and I've been fighting ever since to contain the mess, and to make people understand.

My current health insurance is point blank refusing to recognise my gender. They even went as far as telling me that I could choose between 'male' and 'female' and that these were my options, end of. I am considering legal action.

The above is just a small selection of things I've been dealing with. But a lot of that happens on a daily basis, in various situations, time and time again. Armed with pronouns and an openness to talk about my gender identity has changed nothing. People still look at me, see what they want to see, and act according to what they perceive to be the right course of action.

Last week, someone unexpectedly used my pronouns and it had been a long time since I heard 'they' used in a statement about me. I burst into tears the moment I dropped off the call, and even as I'm writing this my eyes are burning, my heart is beating way too fast, and my fingers are trembling.

I don't know how much fight I've left in me, but I do know that all I want is to be seen. It's all I think about. I'm tired of opening a form and not seeing a title that I can identify with or having only two choices for my gender, but then stumble across a section that's asking for my pronouns. I'm neither a 'Mr' nor a 'Ms/Miss/Mrs' and it's not fair that on the rare occasion that more than two options are available for gender, I've the choice between 'other' and 'not declared'. I'm none of these. I am a non-binary human being and I want the world to recognise me as such. In 2022, is that really too much to ask for? Apparently so, and it's exhausting.

You know how they say that hope dies last? Well, there's a flicker of that left in me that still believes we can make this world a better place where people think and ask before making assumptions that fit their narrative, but I must also say that I've spent the better part of 2022 doubting that. Because how can I not when I spent 90% of the time feeling like I don't belong or that I have to be someone I don't know how to be.

[joeyrumlow]

COLOURS

Tendou Satori x Reader

Hurt/comfort

Something was amiss. The light hearted banter that the two of you usually exchanged was replaced by a silence that stretched on and on. You merely walked on, oblivious to the scrutiny subjected by Tendō. He had been gauging your expressions all the while to get a read on you but it seemed useless so far. 

He abruptly caught your shoulders, giving up his guessing game. "Woah Y/N. I'm going to stop you right there. What are you doing?" 

You blinked like one who has just woken up. "What do you mean?" 

"Tut, tut, tut," he shook his head. "You have to spill whatever is bothering you. I can't let you walk around like this, all dazed and preoccupied! You're going to suffocate if you continue like this!" 

Concern was evident in his eyes and you sighed weakly. "I'm sorry Satori. I just didn't want to bug you with the fleet of unnecessary thoughts that I harbour."

You received a kiss to your nose in return that made your cheeks warm and your heart warmer. 

"You could never bug me. And besides, I do that all the time so it's only fair that you do it too."

You smiled at this, moving your hands to fumble with his tie. 

"You know Satori, nobody likes me for who I am. People have always judged me and called me names, that usually varies according to their whims. I thought I didn't care about it but it seems that I was wrong. Somewhere along the way, I began moulding myself to suit the tastes of those around me and became the Y/N L/N that was utterly different from the real one."

You paused, looking at him rather shyly, "But then, you came along and swept me off my feet and I knew that I didn't want to pretend... at least, when I was with you. And now, I'm just... I'm terrified."

The latter part was a whisper, heavily laced with the weight of a sob. 

Slender fingers gently lighted on your face and lifted it so that your downcast eyes met a pair of orbs filled to the brim with commingled sadness and affection. 

"Are you scared that I'll part ways with you if I see how you really are? But Y/N, I'd already seen and fallen for the real you long before I had the courage to confess. I had seen you in the quiet of the library helping Wakatoshi study, I had seen you in the cafeteria glowing with every bite you took of your favourite food, and I saw you when you helped me pick myself up after I crumbled. And I love you because you're you. Truth is, you are the one who has accepted me for who I am, despite my flaws and eccentricities and I am beyond grateful to have you in my life."

Your lips quivered with a smile and he went to wrap his arms around you and hold you close, happy to see the light in your face return just a little. 

With a flutter of kisses to your forehead, he firmly added, "You don't have to be anything else other than yourself Y/N. You're wonderful and amazing and absolutely brilliant. And I'll fight anyone who says otherwise."

​​​You nodded in his chest, feeling warm and at home, as you slowly recognised the truth in his words. Abandoning yourself for the opinions of the flimsy masses only meant losing who you are and becoming a mindless head of that very throng. You were an individual, unique and different, and you would embrace your colours to stand against the collective grey, alongside a bright and colourful Tendō.

[mittensmorgul]

Mittens, I know that some people are rejoicing over Castiel's vision in 12x19, but personally, I started crying when I realized that Cas gave up so much for love and faith in his family, and got teased with that vision of the future - a paradise he wanted for them, for himself - but never approximated that in the end. It's just so heartbreaking and I feel like I'm mourning him all over again and it just really sucks. Idk.

Hi hi!

The vision also hurts my heart, deeply, but maybe for slightly different reasons...

I have been suffering throughout the last few seasons over Cas's overall arc, and this vision, in that moment in 12.19, when Cas was literally (in text! from Dean's mouth!) desperate for a win, is just excruciating to me. And I'll tell you why.

in the mixtape scene, this was Cas's lament to Dean. He wanted to come back with a win FOR DEAN, and FOR HIMSELF. He wanted Dean to think of him as the "hero" or the "savior."

I will pause to ask here: since when has Dean ever wanted that? Ever since Cas gripped him tight and saved him from Hell, Cas has struggled to step out from that role of Protector. Shield.

This was the Big Mistake he made in s6, right? Everything that went wrong was framed around the fact that he was trying to "protect" Dean. This is why he bought into Crowley's plan, why he left Dean in the dark even after he got dragged back into the fight, and why everything ultimately ended with Cas's literal death. Like... the narrative judged him. In 6.20, all he was left with was Dean's disappointment, and a drive to prove that he was actually right (he was not actually right...).

Even in 12.19, he was "playing them" all along. He came back under the pretense of wanting to "rejoin the team" and work together with Sam and Dean again, but really he was only there to steal the Colt on behalf of Heaven. Cas was prepared to do whatever it took to keep Sam and Dean safe from Dagon, but also "safe" from having to kill an innocent woman to prevent the birth of the nephilim she carried.

Like in s6, Cas was desperate for that win. He was desperate to "earn" his place with the Winchesters, the family he chose. He even told Kelvin before they went in to confront Dagon that he wasn't doing this to redeem his "reputation" in Heaven, he only cared about "redeeming his reputation" with DEAN.

He has no idea that Dean does not give one flying fig about Cas's ability to "protect him," he just wants Cas to Be There With Him.

And later on, this is literally the lesson Cas attempts to impart to Jack. When Jack laments the loss of his power, and believes himself "useless," It's CAS who most effectively talks to him about the fact that nobody cares about his powers, that they don't care about what he can do FOR them. They just care about HIM. Like... even in 15.18. This is the conversation he has with Jack by the Impala while Sam and Dean are talking to Charlie:

Jack: I feel... strange. I don't know if that's because of what happened to me, if it means something, or if I just feel strange because... it's over. The plan. My destiny. I was ready to die and, I wanted to, for Sam, for Dean, for the world. I wanted to make things right, and now... I don't know why I'm even here.

Castiel: Jack. You never needed absolution from Sam, or Dean, or from me. We don't care about you because you're useful or you fit into some grand design. We care about you because you're you.

So like... for YEARS I've felt like this was what Dean needed to actually say TO CAS. That he doesn't want Cas to try to protect him. He doesn't need Cas to be his shield. He doesn't need Cas to be "powerful" or his savior. He just needs Cas.

So this vision... this "manipulation" that Jack showed Cas in that very moment in 12.19, that Cas believed was "paradise" at the time, was what Cas needed to hear in that moment. That he could be "powerful," with his wings healed and made "useful" again.

Dean thanking him.

Not Dean being happy that they're all safe, that they managed to finally "get a win," but specifically thanking HIM for actually winning.

He wanted to believe he could be useful again.

And to me that was a tragic, depressing lesson that he still never managed to understand for himself by the end of the series.

If Dean ever knew what the vision Cas had considered "paradise" in that moment of betrayal of his loved ones, I personally think Dean would've been horrified. I mean, he didn't even KNOW what the vision entailed, and was pre-horrified by his personal belief about how Cas had been manipulated into running away and leaving them all in the dark immediately after they'd all just gotten back on the same page again and recommitted to working together again.

So like... This is still DEEPLY in Cas's disturbing mindset of being 100% ready to sacrifice himself to "spare" Sam and especially Dean from having to do the hard things. This was nearly an identical mindset to when he'd said yes to Lucifer in the Cage in s11 because he believed he could spare Sam from having to do that himself. Like... he truly believed he was making Good Choices in these instances, and it ended up both times causing problems he'd never even considered. S11 had Lucifer using him and nearly killing Sam and Dean, and then going on a rampage that would last multiple seasons more which directly led to Jack in the first place. And then in the attempt to bring about Jack's birth, Cas cut off all communication with the Winchesters (theoretically to protect them) and therefore they had no way to warn him that Lucifer was still on the loose and closing in on reclaiming Jack himself. It literally ended up costing them Mary (pulled through the rift with Lucifer), Crowley sacrificed himself to stop it, and Lucifer killed Cas, all because Cas ran away and tried to fix everything on his own. He desperately wanted to be the winner, here.

So to me, I can't see him getting his wings back and being truly powerful and being "Dean's savior" and him basically thinking that Dean's acknowledgement of that salvation and Dean's gratitude was his idea of "paradise?" Yeah... it turns my stomach.

Dean... would hate it.

Dean's idea of paradise... is actual free will. Of them CHOOSING EACH OTHER, choosing family and standing shoulder to shoulder as a united front against the threats that come their way, instead of yet again making the same mistake of believing that they're sacrificing themselves to spare their loved ones from having to stand up and fight at all.

It NEVER works out that way. Never has. Never would.

I mean, this is why Cas made the deal with the Empty, trading away his own happiness for Jack, believing that Dean's happiness was in having JACK in the family. The tragic blind spot was his inability to see that Dean's happiness ALSO INVOLVED HAVING CAS THERE.

And the ultimate tragedy is that Dean never got a chance to actually say that to Cas.

Because if Cas had actually known that, he would never have made the choices he did.

Which is another reason I absolutely can't credit the end of 15.19 and Jack NOT bringing Cas back, knowing that he'd done it once before, and knowing WHY Cas sacrificed himself. Jack knew the conditions of Cas's deal, and I cannot believe that any version of JACK would have allowed that sacrifice to stand for HIM. Because it was the antithesis of everything Cas himself had ever taught to Jack.

Heck... I hope that makes sense...

basically, this should've been a jumping off point for Cas to ACTUALLY understand he was just as wanted, just as needed, just as cared for, and yes even LOVED, for who he was, and not the sacrifices he could make to protect Dean (and Sam, and Jack... but ultimately for Dean).

The fact he KNEW the moment he made that deal with the Empty that the knowledge of the details of that deal would be a "burden" to Dean, that it would be upsetting to Dean to know that Cas had literally traded away his own potential for true happiness because he thought that would be what Dean would prefer... he KNEW Dean would be upset about that. He knew Dean would NOT have wanted that, and swore Jack to secrecy about it. Like... he knew he had done the wrong thing here, or he wouldn't have hidden it from Dean.

So I have a really hard time thinking of this vision of Paradise (which is already a loaded word in itself in canon, and was literally what Dean spat out as an angry insult at Cas in 4.22 before his first true "tearing up the pages" and making it up as they go moment) as anything but a glaring warning sign.

And then oh look, Cas was literally killed for it four episodes later.

Then when he came back, he went right back to believing in his "purpose," wondering WHY he was brought back. Dean's "we needed you" wasn't really clear enough for Cas to understand that they didn't need him to "protect" them or to be "useful" to them. Dean just NEEDED him. Full stop.

It's a tragedy, folks.

[zv5x]

I'm curious, if Reader died or got knocked out in last fic with Poly!Spirit and Sen-

Reader is alive, just passed out from pain! The reason it happened so quick and without much effort from Spirit is cause, you know, demon powers. I know this isn't a request for a part two and was just a simple question buttttttt I'm extra as fuck and I wanted to do one anyways, so I'll just get it over with here! Hope you all enjoy!

Request status : open! 💕

tw !!! Be careful guys, Senpai goes a little crazy in this one lolz

( :̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅)

Spirit couldn't help but feel a great deal of pity as he glanced over at Senpai. The look of fear and uneasiness on his face was clear as day, and he nervously played with his loose-fitting tie as he stared at (Y/N) who was unconscious on the bed. Chains held their arms and legs to the bedposts, so there was no chance of escaping.

Spirit hummed, giving (Y/N) an empathetic pat on the leg, before choosing to address Senpai. "I know this isn't the sight you wanted to come home to, but-"

"W-what happened to them? D-did someone hurt them?!" Senpai managed to sputter out, despite the fear eating his body alive. Spirit sighed, as he couldn't help but become slightly irritated as soon as Senpai lost his cool like he was now. Nothing could get done when you're overrun by panic, but he was glad he was at least there to keep everything together. "Did they..." Senpai paused for a second, his past fear slowly draining from his face, replacing it was an expression that even Spirit couldn't fully read. "Did they try something funny again...?" Senpai asked in a low tone, and Spirit made a small noise as his response. The room was consumed by silence for a few moments, before Spirit decided to answer his question for real.

"I suppose you could say that." He said calmly and quietly, not really caring to expose the whole truth of what (Y/N) had done just yet. If Senpai asked for clarification or specification, then he would absolutely tell him, but he just didn't see it as needed at the moment. Senpai groaned in annoyance, stomping on the floor a single time. Spirit only rolled his eyes.

He didn't even bother to take his eyes off of (Y/N)'s "sleeping" form as Senpai made his way towards the two of them, stopping in front of the bed and crossing his arms. "What did they do?" Senpai asked quietly, almost in a whisper, in a tone that implied that maybe he didn't even want to know, but was just simply curious. Spirit shrugged.

"It was nothing too painful, just a punch to the nose. It didn't even hurt for a minute, really." Senpai looked at the entity standing next to him in a mixture of shock and disgust, absolutely baffled by the fact that their darling (Y/N) would ever do something like to that to either of them. He just didn't get it, and frankly, neither did Spirit. Really, they were just trying to help, but their (Y/N) just wasn't listening. It made things so much more tedious than they needed to be. Senpai growled to himself and made his way onto the bed. Spirit looked on in confusion, arching an eyebrow as he watched Senpai set himself down on (Y/N)'s chest, straddling it. He adjusted his position slightly, wriggling to make sure he was in the most comfortable position possible, before raising his hand to above the side of his head and bringing it down forcefully and quickly, slapping (Y/N) in the right cheek. Spirit even flinched himself, as the slap was hard enough to make a loud sound on impact.

However, Spirit couldn't feel too bad. He did try warning (Y/N). Senpai would be a lot harsher on them than he ever would be.

(Y/N) gasped as they woke up from their unconsciousness, Senpai glaring down at them as he watched them do so. It took them about a minute for their eyes to fully adjust to everything going on at the moment, especially since what caused them to wake up was so...violent...

"Well...good morning, honey." Senpai said through gritted teeth, and (Y/N) instinctively tried raising their arms, only for them to be held back by the chains. They swore at Senpai and demanded for either him or Spirit to release them, but that did nothing but anger Senpai further.

"You're lucky me and Spirit as so nice to you, if you were acting this bratty towards anyone else, your throat probably would've been sliced..." Senpai snicked sadistically, only for his slight amusement to completely vanish as (Y/N) leaned up towards him and spit in his face.

Senpai stumbled back, instinctively grabbing a tissue off the bedside table and wiping his face quickly and roughly while whining in disgust. Spirit bit his lip and took a step back, fully expecting Senpai to completely lose his shit within the next few seconds. Senpai began to hyperventilate, looking at the tissue with a look of pure distain. Senpai suddenly slammed the tissue to the side and pulled the table drawer open, his eyes set on a certain black rectangle. He pulled it out and held it up so (Y/N) could see it, and their eyes widened with fear and regret, instantly recognizing it as a taser.

"Do ANYTHING like that again, and this is going straight into your neck, understand?! God, how many times do we have to fucking TELL YOU, (Y/N)?!" Senpai screamed, punching the sides of the bed harshly. (Y/N)'s breathing was quick and heavy, the fear on their face as clear as day. Tears pricked at the corners of their eyes as they were reduced to the bearer of Senpai's rage, Spirit standing in calm silence as Senpai yelled on about what they had been trying to tell (Y/N) for almost a year now.

"You're so fucking GULLIBLE! Without us you'd probably be fucking dead on the side of the road! You think you can just go do whatever the fuck you want with whoever, and then treat us like we're fucking disposable trash?! You sick WORM." Senpai went on and on, even at one point grabbing (Y/N)'s shoulders and shaking them harshly. He was pissed, and Spirit saw his anger as justified. "We're doing this all for YOU! We love YOU! We NEED you, and you need US!" Tears began to fall from Senpai's eyes just as (Y/N) began fearfully sobbing as well, but Senpai's tears were more of frustration and anger than crippling fear. "We love you (Y/N), please, we just want to take care of you, you're our everything! Please!" Senpai choked back sobs as (Y/N) continued crying themselves. "Nobody else can love you like we do, they just can't keep you safe like we can, we'd do anything for you, we just want you to be happy..." Senpai sniffled, but (Y/N) didn't respond.

Spirit didn't feel bad for (Y/N). They wouldn't be here right now if (Y/N) would just learn how to listen. They were doing this for love, for repayment for all the effort (Y/N) put into making sure they were alive and well. (Y/N) saved them. Before Spirit knew it, Senpai seemed satisfied with the agressive lecture, and replaced his seething anger and flowing tears with a cutesy giggle and a wipe of the eyes. "You're just so hopeless, (Y/N)...but that's fine, some people just aren't meant to take care of themselves!"

It was almost scary how quickly Senpai could switch between moods, but who was Spirit to judge? Rejection was never in Sen's programming, and he was meant to be a hopeless romantic almost all of the time, so he really couldn't blame Senpai for having...less than stable moods.

"You're so lucky you have us dolly, where would you even be without us?" Senpai gushed, and Spirit couldn't help but agree. The two of them could tell (Y/N) clearly wanted to detest that, but they didn't care. Their input was irrelevant, since they didn't at all know what they wanted or needed.

Senpai hummed happily, curling (Y/N)'s lips upward in the shape of a smile with his finger. The skin of his digits were soaked at this point, as tears were pooling from (Y/N)'s eyes as they tried squirming away so desperately from his vice grip. Spirit cupped his one cheek with his hand and held (Y/N)'s trembling one in his other, smiling almost as brightly as Senpai.

They deserved this. They deserved something nice after that that bastard put them through. And, this was it. Their present, their compensation, their reward.

Their soulmate.

Senpai giggled, and Spirit followed soon after, the two of them looking at each other as if they were reading the others thoughts perfectly. Senpai turned to (Y/N), that smile still just as strong as it was before.

"Now, go on...tell us you love us~"

[marshmallowprotection]

Oh my ajdhah, may I try a matchup??

I'm a bisexual Greek girl (INFP) who loves to draw and play video games a lot! I can get into anything I like easily and even try to gather information about it as much as I can. I'm usually friendly and easy to get along with but I do have my moments where I might be kinda rude oof.

My humour is BROKEN and I WILL laugh at a lot of stuff. I tend to shower the people I like in love and give them gifts I think they'll like and offer support and encouragement. When I'm with someone I like, I tend to talk A LOT but I do have my moments where I want to spend a few hours alone to recharge my social energy (affection is still allowed yessiiiiir). I'm usually awkward and shy with someone new but once you get to know me, I'll be chaotic lmfao.

I have a very BIG imagination to the point where I feel the urge to walk around my room and imagining cool scenes in my head as I walk around and pretend I'm there as well (I'm also exercising sometimes and my school phycologist told me I might ADHD so I'm trying to get an appointment to get diagnosed!) and I tend to think about the good memories from my past and how much I miss those days. I tend to look up old shows or games I used to play and feel so nostalgic~ I even think about or go to places I used to go as a child and just stand there and think as I look around me. I tend to get emotional a lot, even at stuff like this smsm

I love animals so much and I have a cat that I will literally DIE for, he was there when I had absolutely no one and he means so much to me. I tend to shower him in affection and just hold him and even fangirl about him nearly everytime I see him smandhwj- I do that with other animals as well because they are so cool and cute!!

Sometimes my mood goes to the point where I sometimes don't think twice about the thing I'm about to say because I'm feeling intense emotions but if I hurt someone, I want to make it up to them and apologize. I'm open to communication and I'm willing to discuss a loooot of things about anything, at this point.

I'm also quite competitive and I like to challenge myself (but still have fun!!) to a lot of things! It gets me excited when I go face-to-face with my friends and sometimes other people on games and more or just completing something that looks very challenging to a lot of people! I also have anger issues which I'm trying to control skdjwhs

I also tend to be weird and do a lot of shit that other people don't really do but I usually don't mind if other's can't understand lol

I match you with...

Seven!

You're generally the kind of person that enjoys getting along with everybody. You're passionate. The type of person that could get easily carried away with anything that's on your mind. That means that not everybody understands you or gets why you do things you do. That's why when you make a bond with somebody, you know that you have to trust them to understand you in a way that nobody else has. Sometimes it feels like people are judging you for things that you can't control and it feels as though you might never find somebody who looks at you the way that you would look at them. An oddball like you need somebody that understands what it feels like to be on the outside looking in even if you're supposed to be on the inside.

Isn't that why you work perfectly with Saeyoung in the first place?

Because he is the kind of person that's on the outside looking in no matter what he does. He never imagined that he would be able to come inside and join everybody else. He always imagined that he would always be five steps away from the thing that he wanted. Even if it wasn't fair, he knew that his sacrifices were worth it. The one is with you, that's when he wants to choose to be selfish and explore the things that he told himself that he could never have. If he wants to allow himself to hear you talking all night long about something that you love, or pushing him to try something different for once. With you, he finds a rival that he's in love with who can push him to the limit of what he wants to be.

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret

Chapter 4

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter devastation. It's only so long until your lies are going to catch up to you.

Pairing- Chris Hems x Reader x Liam Hems

Word count- 2,211

Warnings- Smut, swearing, angst, cheating

18+ Only!!

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Posted: 29th June 2021

Taglist:- @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke @chickensarentcheap @mostly-marvel-musings @longlostinanotherworld

>The Destructive Secret Masterlist<

"No not married but you do know her. You know her really well actually." Chris says while avoiding your gaze purposefully...

You could cut the tension in the room with a knife, silence so acute you could hear a pin drop. Liam waiting for an answer, Chris looking at his feet and you looking visibly anxious. Chris had drank way too much and now he was about to let all of your secrets loose. This isn't the way you want Liam to find out, surely Chris wouldn't be so cruel.

"I suppose you're not gonna tell me who it is?" 

"Not just yet, see how we go." He looked at you, if he so much as even looked slightly smug you would have slapped him right across his face. Instead you could see the hurt in his eyes, tears welling in the corners. You're both faced with an impossible dilemma, Chris wants you all to himself but doesn't want to lose his brother in the process and you want it all over and done with but don't want to hurt Liam. The latter of both is inevitable but you would take all the blame just so Chris didn't have to lose his brother, given the choice you would lose them both just so that didn't happen.

"Well on that note, I need to go to bed. I've gotta be up early in the morning." You avoid Chris' gaze, you're angry with him but you don't want to cause him more pain. 

"Yeah me too. I better get going. Thank you for dinner Y/N, it was lovely."

You risk a short glance at him, you're eyes softening when they meet. The moment broken when Liam speaks, reminding you where you are and who you're with right at this moment in time.

"Are you for real? You're really going to drop a bombshell like that and then leave? Fuck man." Liam runs his hand through his hair, letting air out of his cheeks exasperatedly.

"Sorry bro, I'll save the excitement for another night. I've said too much already." Chris apologises with his eyes as he passes you, his hands twitching by his side's with the need to touch you.

                             ******************

The next morning when you wake, your heart sinks knowing all the turmoil you're going to have to go through just to make it to the hotel without being spotted. All the messing about and hiding you have to do, checking in under a false name at different times. Making sure nobody follows you to the hotel and especially no one follows Chris. Getting caught checking into the same hotel would be dreadful, it wouldn't take a genius for the press to put two and two together, they wouldn't even care if it was true or not as long as they sold copies.

"Right babe, I'm ready to go." You pull your suitcase towards the door, stopping to wrap your arms around Liam.

"Have a good time, I'll see you soon." Wrapping his arms tightly around your waist and lifting your feet from the ground in a squeezy hug. "I'll miss you." 

"I'll miss you too, bye babe." 

"Bye. Love you. Let me know when you get checked in." He kisses you goodbye before watching you leave.

"Will do, Love you." You say over your shoulder, climbing into your silver, Audi convertible.

This is the part you hate the most, the part that made you question whether it was all worth it. It was, of course or you wouldn't be doing it, you wouldn't put yourself through having to pretend to be somebody else and praying your not caught by anyone. It only takes one person to notice you and Chris in the same hotel and it's over. You imagine having an affair is hard work whatever your circumstances but when your boyfriend and your lover are as famous as they are it becomes impossible. It's terrifying. 

You spent the car journey constantly checking your mirrors and making sure you weren't being followed. A huge sunhat and even bigger sunglasses covering your face as your heart beated faster than you thought was possible. A couple of laps around the hotel, making doubly sure you weren't being followed before you finally pulled into the carpark.

You had to constantly think, you couldn't let your guard drop for even a moment and it was exhausting. You were ready for it to be over and done with now, this just isn't fun anymore. Maybe you could run away together and start a new life somewhere else. Which one would you pick though? Who are you ready to give up? Would there even be an option to choose? Would Liam even be willing to forgive you if he knew you were sleeping with his brother? In love with his brother.

Your heart beating out of your chest, your fight or flight well and truly kicking in now as you walk up to the front desk. If there's any recognition in the receptionists eyes you're ready to turn right around and leave. The girl behind the desk, with long blonde hair has her eyes on the computer In front of her, thankfully not paying you much attention as you stand and wait for her to finish.

"Hi I'd like to book a room for two nights please." You stutter nervously, subconsciously checking over your shoulder while you spoke.

"Of course, is it just for yourself?" 

"Yes please, I'm just here for a work conference. I'd like a double bed if possible though, I haven't been able to sleep in a single since I was young." You giggle nervously, embarrassed that you'd told her information she isn't even slightly interested in.

"No problem, I'll see what I have for you." Her eyes barely left her computer as she spoke, she definitely didn't recognise you. The tension in your muscles relaxed a little as your eyes scanned the lobby.

"What name is it please?" She asked, one of the moments you'd been dreading. You hate lying but luckily you'd already come up with the fake name you were using, one you'd already used many times before in the exact same situation. It never gets any easier.

"Jessica Crawley." The names tumbled from your lips, names that had absolutely no meaning to you. 

"Room 101, floor 5. Is there anything else I can help you with?" 

"No thank you, that's great." The overwhelming feeling of relief at completing step one without any problems, rushes over you. Adrenaline spiking, making your legs feel like jelly.

"You're welcome, enjoy your stay. Don't hesitate to let me know if you have any questions." The girl says, smiling sweetly at you before going back to her work.

The elevator seemed to take forever to make its way down to you, your feet shuffling as you watched the numbers above the door, counting down. The overwhelming need to get to privacy and away from the many prying eyes of the people in the lobby was severe. Most were business men and women, that were so consumed in themselves they weren't paying special attention to anyone around them. There were also young couples, making their way through the lobby, probably on their way for lunch but the people that worried you the most were the random loners sat in the armchairs scattered around the lobby. They'd chosen the perfect place to watch, some pretending to read newspapers while their eyes discreetly scanned over the top.

They were much more inquisitive, much like yourself they paid more attention to the people around them. People watchers you liked to call them, these are the sorts of people that make you nervous. They see everything, noticing any minor details, you'd spent a lifetime perfecting 'people watching' which is how you knew to be wary. You could pretty much judge a person's personality just by watching them for a couple of minutes. If anyone was to spot you it would be one of these people. You felt thankful you weren't Chris, there is absolutely no way he was going to make it to the elevator without being seen at least once.

                             *******************

Chris didn't feel quite as nervous as you, this was a every day occurance in his life, avoiding paparazzi was near impossible for him. As long as you weren't seen going in to the hotel then it wouldn't matter about him being seen. Still, he'd worn his baseball cap and sunglasses to at least try and hide his identity. He wasn't nervous about being seen but more about having to face you after his fuck up last night. Now that thought was way more intimidating to him.

Casually strolling into the hotel, he tried to ignore the whispers of the people around him. People questioning if it was really him, young girls barely out of high school giggling at the sight of him. Chris quietly prayed that he would make it up to the room without anyone asking for a photo, not that he usually minded but today all he wanted was to spend every possible minute with you as he could.

The receptionist tried to make a fuss when his identity was confirmed during check in. The pale skin of the same blonde girl who'd checked you in, had turned a rather bright shade of red when she heard Chris' sexy Australian accent. You wouldn't blame her, it still makes you swoon whenever you heard him speak.

"I'm fine honestly, I don't want any special treatment. Actually if I could get away with going completely unnoticed during my stay, I will speak to your boss myself and tell them how accomodating you'd been." 

"Oh wow, really? Thank you so much Mr Hemsworth. I will make sure nobody bothers you and if you need anything at all just give me a call, I'll make sure you won't have to leave your room for anything." Chris smiled, pretending not to notice how she seemed to be flirting with him, badly. Tossing her hair over shoulder as she insinuated not so subtly for him to let her know if he wanted any 'special' treatment. Again, you don't blame the girl, infact you would've commended her confidence.

She handed over the keys to the penthouse, watching bright eyed as he walked to the elevator, pulling out his phone as he stepped straight in. 

"Hi babe, I've booked the penthouse suite, meet me up there?" Smiling a tight lipped smile at the girl behind the desk, who was still watching him intently as the elevator doors closed.

"Ok, it isn't very inconspicuous staying in the penthouse is it?" You shouldn't be surprised, he does it everytime. You remember the first time you ever saw a penthouse and how amazed you were that it was actually bigger than your own home at the time. That was a memory you shared with Liam, all of your first times had been with Liam, the thought made your heart sink.

"I mean they knew who I was as soon as I walked in, I think it would look more suspicious if I didn't stay in a suite." Chris answered, pulling you from your thoughts.

"I suppose that's true, I'll be up soon." You could hear the sadness in your voice, something you had to snap out of before meeting Chris.

"Good because I can't wait to get my hands on you." 

Sinking back onto the spongey mattress of your bed, tiredness washing over you already. The mental exhaustion of constantly having to play games and be on your guard at all times, catching up to you as you're finally alone.

Maybe that's what you need afterall, a chance to be alone to gather your thoughts, to workout your own needs and wants without spreading your attention between the two brothers.

You make a mental list of the pros and cons of both of them knowing deep down if Liam were the one for you, you'd have never have looked twice at Chris. They were so similar in a lot of ways but completely different in others.

Liam was the sweetest man you knew, so gentle and caring, attentive to your every whim and being so young when you first got together he was everything you were looking for.

Now being a woman that has gone through so much trauma in her life that had tainted your soul, darkened it with a lust for more.

Then Chris came along, he was still sweet and caring but less attentive to your needs unless it was in the bedroom. He was cheeky and funny, drop dead gorgeous and oozing manliness effortlessly. He was fire and passion. He was more. 

If you let yourself admit it, you wanted excitement, which is how you ended up here in the first place. You didn't want perfect anymore, you wanted a man who could do wrong and then make up for it in the most fulfilling way he knew how. Just thinking about it made your pulse race, Chris had put you through hell last night and now it was time for payback. You imagined Chris only a couple of floors above you, worried about the way you were going to act when you saw him and lord knows how much you're going to make him sweat.                    

[maysbanks]

she moves in her own way. (jj maybank)

due to the ASTOUNDING response to my first jj fic which i have to say a huuuge thank you to everyone that liked, commented & reblogged, it honestly means the absolute world !! i couldn't wait much longer to start writing for my boy again, i have so many fic ideas and cannot wait to get them out to y'all. this one is shorter than the last, & the title is inspired from the song 'she moves in her own way' by the kooks (lol) but isn't necessarily based off of it, it's just something that i wrote up quickly bc i was in my feels™️ . also i feel very unoriginal with the whole plot and aspect of this but im gonna post it anyway bc i love jj lmao. anyway hope u enjoy !

warnings: swearing, underage drinking, drug use, violence, jj with a gun™️

summary: reader walks the fine line between either pogue or kook, though technically a kook, she ignores all social standings of the obx and jj maybank cannot stop himself from getting caught up in her whirlwind.

( gif isn’t mine! please let me know if it’s yours so i can credit you. )

Everyone seemed to have a different perspective of you, unsurprisingly. You weren't really much of a social butterfly, you kept yourself to yourself, really. Nobody in the Outer Banks knew much about you at all, other than what they had come up with in their heads. And while you tried your best to stay in the shadows, that only seemed to make you stand out more.

You were known for being the best of both worlds - not really a Pogue, but not really a Kook either. While your social status and family wealth suggested you to be a Kook, your free spirit and reckless behaviour fitted you better towards the Pogue style. If anyone were to ask you, you told them you were neither.

Why should a name define you anyway? You thought it was all bullshit, the stupid territorial arguments and the snide comments from both sides. You thought it was ridiculous, you weren't living in The Outsiders, for fuck sake.

You moved in your own way, simple as that. You wouldn't let anyone tell you what to do, where you can't or shouldn't be, it was a free country you'd say, middle finger salute ready to aim towards anyone who dared cross you. You were an enigma, wild and careless, unforgiving and unforgettable. You didn't necessarily like the attention, but you got it. And you knew it, and you played on it, too.

You had used your irresistible charm more than enough times to bail JJ Maybank out of trouble, despite your parents' protest. They didn't have a problem with the Pogues, persay, how could they when your dad been one half of his life before meeting your mom and marrying into the rich lifestyle; they just had a problem with JJ, as many of the parents on the island did. He was an unstoppable force to be reckoned with, weed smoking, knuckles constantly torn, skin bruised, quick wit, sarcastic humour, daddy issues, you know the type. Kids loved him, parents hated him.

You were friends with JJ, you supposed. You spent your time with him talking about your days and smoking a joint, meaningful conversations turning into joking and general tomfoolery within seconds. With JJ, you were simply unapologetically you, and JJ never judged you. He never made you choose a side, seemingly content with the fact that you were a little bit of everything, though there was times when he teased you relentlessly about the Kook life, but that was just JJ.

And despite the social differences, him being a Pogue through and through, you technically a Kook, you were drawn to each other pretty easily. Not that you hung out all the time, but you loved every second when you did, usually joined by his group of best friends - John B, Pope, and Kiara. With Kiara a Kook herself but drawn more to the lifestyle of the Pogue's, she understood you more than anyone. You'd bonded a lot, and with each of them too.

JJ loved that you fitted in with them, like a missing puzzle piece. So perfectly, it shook him to its core. The pair of you were close, but he had no idea where he stood with you, like most people never when it came to you. You were like a rollercoaster, taking people for the most exciting ride of their lives that lasted a full three or so minutes before they returned back to solid ground. You'd given JJ a ride a number of times on your non-existent metaphorical rollercoaster, and he'd returned for another ride time and time again. You couldn't say no to that damned boy.

It was a blessing and a curse, the unspoken relationship you shared. A blessing because JJ was the best thing that happened to you, and a curse because that was your downfall. You never got attached to people, never given yourself the chance. But then JJ Maybank had come along, blonde hair and blue eyes, split lip and sharpened teeth, words cunning. You saw him as a challenge at first, the name Kook Princess haunting you as he spoke them, stood in front of you at the keg upon your first real meeting. He'd held a drink out towards you, smirk perfect on his pink lips.

You'd attended over a hundred kegger's in your lifetime, the Pogue parties more inviting than those of the Kook's. You danced and talked to anyone that came across your path, whether it be unknowing Tourons, unjudging Pogues, or unforgiving Kooks, you drew them all in. You didn't fit in with any of them, JJ had realised. You really did move in your own way, he thought. He liked that, he'd decided. And hey, you were pretty cute too.

On that particular night, he'd spoken to you directly for the first time in a long time. "Would the Kook Princess like a drink?" He'd asked, holding the red cup out towards you. You'd eyed the offended object, and subsequently him, too. He smirked at the attention. You had rolled your eyes.

"Don't call me that," you'd said simply, but taking the cup from his hands regardless. You took a sip, relieved to discover that he hadn't tampered with it in any way. You were still considered a Kook to most people, after all. You could never be too careful. "Thanks, Maybank."

And he'd blinked at you, lips suddenly raising to a sly smile as he shrugged, dimples winking at you as they appeared in his cheeks. "Anytime," and he'd spoken your name back to you and you couldn't get enough of the way it sounded coming from his mouth, and you realised hey, this guy is pretty cute, and the rest, as they, is history.

You were in the midst of another infamous Pogue kegger at the current, months after your first introduction to JJ Maybank and his friends, and you stood off to the side, listening to JJ intently as he ranted about the events of the day he'd endured. Starting from finding a Grady White sunken in the marsh, "A fucking Grady Marsh, they're like 500 G's man!", to discovering that the boat belonged to Scooter Grubbs, who had coincidentally been found dead that same day, to getting chased by two guys with a gun, to the finding of the motel key from the wreck and breaking in that same motel room, finding a safe full of money and a gun of all things, to their best attempt at laying low which, unsurprisingly, resulted in the kegger in the first place.

JJ was wild in his recite of the events, hands gesturing every which way as you watched him with your lips curled into your mouth, resisting a smile at his antics. When he finished he retelling, you raised an eyebrow and chuckled dryly. "So, complete and utter boring day for you, huh?"

JJ chuckled along with you, shaking his head as if he was still in disbelief from everything that had happened in the past twenty four hours. "Man, it was crazy," he muttered. He looked at you then, eyes sincere. "I wish you were there with us. It was like something straight from a movie, I'm telling you. I feel like such a badass with that gun."

Your secret joy at his confession of that he wished you were was short lived, as the last of his words sunk in and you felt dread build in the pit of your stomach. You stared at him, him so excited that he hadn't even realised your face had dropped, before you reached out and grabbed his arm, effectively halting his movements and stopping the hurried flow of words that were leaving his mouth.

"JJ," you said carefully, eyes trained on his as he stared, clueless. "Please tell me you did not take that gun from the safe."

Your heart dropped as you saw him falter, his lips helplessly moving but no words coming out. He held a hand up, as if to hush you, though you hadn't started to speak again, and then his hand had dropped just as quick as it was raised, his teeth biting down on his chapped lip as the realisation dawned on you.

"JJ Fucking Maybank," you spat, hands slapping gently at his arms, because you could never really hurt him, you just wanted him to know you were pissed. "Do you realise how fucking careless that is? How much trouble you could get into, if anyone knew you had a gun-" your voice trailed off, your eyes closing as you exhaled. "JJ, please tell me you don't have it on you right now."

His lack of reply was the only answer you needed, and your stomach churned as you stepped back from his figure, suddenly feeling sick. He followed you, though, not letting you get too far as he took your arms in his hands and tried to drag you closer to him once more. You shook your head, arms slipping from his hold as you glared at him fiercely.

"That's so fucking stupid, JJ. You could get into serious trouble with this, trouble I won't be able to get you out of." You warned, because you knew it was true. Your charm and looks could get him out of some trouble to its extent, but it was more so your parents wealth and status that got the both of you out of shit when you managed to get into it, and you also knew your parents would literally throw a fit if you got involved in something like this - carrying a gun was no joking matter. You stepped back once more, hand finding its way to your forehead. "And from a crime scene, no less. Fucking hell."

JJ licked his lips, standing back roughly as you watched, his jaw clenching. "Well I'm not asking for your help here, Princess," he taunted, the nickname sending a wave of annoyance through you. JJ knew it would. "It's not like I ask you to help me, you're just there. Thinking I need help, like I'm some fucking charity case, a fucking doll you picked up from the thrift store that was gonna be thrown out the next day."

You tried to protest, but JJ didn't give you the chance. "I don't need your help all the fucking time. I don't need your pity. I get that you won't understand because why would you? You're a Kook, you get everything you want handed to you on a silver platter. And you can argue and fight me about it all you want, but I know you know it's true."

He sighed heavily, hands running down his face in a sign of defeat. You watched him all the while, thankful that you had ventured off the outskirts of the party so that hopefully nobody had heard JJ shouting at you, your heart wrenching as his blue eyes settled on you. "I'm sorry, JJ," you said finally. You refused to cry, though the desire to at the sight of him being so mad at you tore you apart. "I'm just trying to look out for you. With the gun thing, with everything that I help you with. And I know I'm a Kook, and I know that my parents could afford to buy half of this fucking island if they pleased, but that doesn't define me. I care, okay? And I know I care a lot more than a lot of people in your life."

It was probably a low blow, and you knew it. But JJ took it in, let the words sink into his brain where they stayed there, his fists clenching at his sides. You crossed your arms over your chest, defeated.

"I'm gonna go back to the party," you whispered. "I'll see you around, I guess." You eyed his pockets, unsure of where exactly he held the gun. "Be careful, okay."

And even when you were angry with him, you still tried to make sure he was okay, that he stayed safe. There was multiple occasions you'd showed up unannounced, simply asking how his day was, if he okay, if he had eaten that day, stayed hydrated. At first the attention startled him, he'd never really had anyone look out for him in that aspect, and yet there you were, like an angel sent from the gods themselves, smiling down at him.

You cared, he realised. You cared so much that sometimes he couldn't take it, because he didn't know how. The most family he'd ever gotten close to having in his life was the Pogues, after losing his mother and subsequently losing his father too as he turned into the monster that he was, cold and distant, fists always poised ready for an imaginary fight, and he knew that someday the Pogues would even slip through his fingers. He couldn't let that happen with you. He wouldn't.

He'd started off in your direction, truly, he had. But then John B was grabbing him and averting his attention to him, and he focused on his friend, promising only a minute of his time. You were in his sights, stood a bit away, and he recognised the couple you were talking to as Sarah Cameron and Topper Thorton, Kooks through and through. He held his distaste back, and even held a drink out to offer to Sarah as she and Topper made their way past where he and John B were standing. Big fucking mistake, he realised quickly.

It had all happened in a blur of events, each little bit leading to big finale - as he watched his best friend being held down in the water, powerless to Topper who kneeled over him, hands forcing John B to stay put in the sea. Sarah was screaming at Topper, Pope was holding JJ back with all his might, Kie beside them as she screamed along with Sarah to let John B go. And there you were, suddenly beside JJ, gripping his arm tightly as you took in the sight with a horrified glare. JJ didn't even hesitate; the gun had been pulled from his shorts and was directed at Topper's head in the blink of an eye.

The fury in his veins was red hot and ugly, tearing through every part of him like a vice. This was the Pogues land, their side of the island, and yet the Kooks still thought they could get away with anything and everything - including, apparently, attempting to drown his best friend.

"Your move, broski," JJ uttered through clenched teeth. He could hear the screams of the crowd behind him, and he pulled the gun away from Topper's head and into the direction of the sky, firing two shots towards it as the crowd of people quickly dispersed, screeches sounding from all over. "Now everybody needs to get the fuck off our side of the island!"

He was shoved to the side as Sarah rushed to her boyfriend, telling him he was fucking crazy or something like that, he wasn't really listening. The shots rang in his ears, and the adrenaline of the moment soured through him. Kie and Pope were screaming at him, he could hear their voices distantly. His blue eyes were unfocused for a second, before they looked up, and there you were.

Sent from the gods themselves, once again. You looked vibrant, so insanely alive, lips red and cheeks flushed, eyes bright. You let out a shaky breath as you watched him. JJ clenched his jaw.

"He was going to drown John B," he thought he'd said, but he wasn't sure. He didn't really know what to keep track of at that moment, Kie and Pope's obvious disapproval at him literally doing the one thing they swore not to do, Sarah and Topper stumbling away from the scene in the distance, John B getting up and muttering something along the lines of he wasn't going to drown me, or you, simply staring at him.

Before he knew what he was doing, JJ had made his way towards you. The gun was still held in his hands, and you swallowed thickly as you eyed it. "You should put that away," you muttered. JJ seemed confused, before he caught on to what you meant and he shoved the gun back to the spot of in between his shorts and his hip. "You literally did the one thing I said not to, you tool."

JJ cracked a smile, small and uncertain as he gazed at you. You stepped closer to him, eyes glancing over his shoulder. "You really pissed them off," you said, meaning his friends.

JJ shrugged, because he didn't care about their opinion, he cared about yours. And if you hated him now, hated the fact that he was just some dirty Pogue who held guns against people's heads now, apparently. "I don't care about what they think," he spoke softly. You looked at him confused. "I care about what you think."

You smiled softly, shrugging one shoulder. "Topper was going to drown John B," you replied, matter of fact. "If you hadn't stepped in when you did, who knew what could have happened. Nothing could have stopped him." You bit your lip, hand reaching out and touching his face gently, thumb soothing over the worried line between his brows. "You did the right thing, J. A fucking crazy and stupid thing, potientally dangerous, but the right thing nonetheless."

"Yeah, that's kind of my go-to, if you haven't already noticed," JJ smiled, tongue running over his bottom lip. You rolled your eyes, though playful. "Look, I'm sorry about before, okay. I was a dick. I know you care, but sometimes that's what scares me."

Your eyebrows furrowed, a confused expression on your face as your hand dropped from his face to intertwine with his own hand, his gaze suddenly becoming fixed on your linked hands, his other absentmindedly playing with your fingers that held his hand.

"It's like, you're this untouchable thing. I mean, you don't belong to anyone, you refuse to go by anything other than your name, and you're like this perfect mix between Pogue and Kook even if you do hate it and everyone knows who are you and they make these stories up about you, like that's how popular you are," JJ chuckled. "And then you hang out with me, you look past all the dirty Pogue shit, see me for who I am, and you care. And you care so god dammed much that it fucking terrifies me because nobody's ever cared that much before about me, so why should you?"

His hand left yours to remove the hat from sitting atop his hair and then run his hand through the blonde locks. You could see his tongue running along the outsides of his bottom teeth, the action causing a bump beneath his skin. He looked nervous than you had ever seen him before, and you'd both gotten into enough nerve-wracking situations together to compare. You sighed as your hands reached for his face, gripping his cheeks and forcing his eyes to gaze down at yours.

"JJ Maybank," you started, grinning softly. "You listen to me while I tell you that you deserve the fucking world and more. All this shit that you're going through, all the crap you deal with on a daily basis, you carry it so well that nobody would even know. You fight through each day and I don't even know how you manage it half the time. I admire you so much, J. And I can't help but care about you, even if you don't want me to. I care about you so much, that you wanna know a secret? It scares me too."

JJ gazed down at you lovingly, his forehead moving to rest against yours. You welcomed the embrace, his arms wrapping around your waist and squeezing you gently, as if reassuring himself that you were actually there.

"JJ," you whispered as you were stood in silence for a precise minute, neither of you daring to break the silence until you had. His blue eyes stared into yours, awaiting the next part of your speech. You swallowed your nerves down, figuring fuck it. "I'm so in love with you."

He grinned, his head swooping down before you knew it and his lips pressing against yours in a heated embrace that sent a sensation of butterflies to fly wildly in your stomach, bashing against your ribcage and taking your breath away. Shivers flew up your spine, and every hair on your body stood on edge as the kiss grew heavier, tongues brushing and teeth clattering, bodies pressed against each other as much as they could manage.

When JJ's lips left yours, you almost whined. JJ grinned cheekily, hands digging into your hips. "I love you," he breathed against the skin of your neck as he buried his head there, lips tickling the flesh. "I can't believe you just macked on me while I have a gun in my pocket."

You rolled your eyes and tugged gently on his hair, spurring a laugh from him as you shoved him away and grinned despite yourself. "Do not remind me, please," you warned him, allowing him to pull you into his side as you made your way down the beach. "I still can't believe you took that thing."

"I knew it'd come in handy though," he grinned, pulling you closer with the arm thrown over your shoulder. You wrapped yours around his waist, face squished in his chest as you shook your head.

"You're an idiot, Maybank."

[adultingautistic]

(09/07) I get frustrated really easily. For example, I can be okay, maybe just a bit stressed about going out, but when I'm adjusting my hair or my outfit it doesn't look like I wanted, so I get nervous. And sometimes it even leads me to a meltdown, or sometimes just like a mini-meltdown. It happens since I was little, though at the time I didn't know I was autistic. But now I'm in my 20s and it seems childish of me to freak out over something so small. I don't know what to do about it

First, I don’t think this is small, and it’s certainly not childish.  As autistics, we are judged based on our appearance so much more harshly than allistics ever face.  Every single day, from multiple people, we are told that we “look wrong”.  We’re standing wrong.  We’re walking wrong.  We’re using our hands wrong.  We’re doing our face wrong.  Our voice is wrong.  We are scrutinized and judged and made fun of and then told it’s all our fault, for being weird in the first place.

This takes a deep toll on a person.  When you’re told every single day that every aspect of who you are is wrong, of course you’re going to start scrutinizing yourself, using those same things the world is teaching you.  You’re going to scrutinize your own body, and the way you stand, and the way you express your face, and the way you talk, and the way you dress, and the way you do your hair, because you’re going to try your damndest to make those allistics stop telling you how wrong you are.  You try to be perfect, absolutely flawless, so that they have nothing to say to you at all.  

When I was in 4th grade (age 9-10), all the kids made fun of my hair because it was messy.  I couldn’t brush it, because of sensory sensitivity that made brushing my hair extremely painful.  I also couldn’t cut it, because I was afab, and apparently having a shaved head like I wanted was socially worse, somehow (according to my mother) than going to school with long hair in permanent knots.

But I was made fun of so harshly for this, that for all of the summer between 4th and 5th grade, I practiced brushing my hair.  It hurt like hell, but I forced myself through it, torturing myself through the tears until I was able to get it totally knot-free, and up into a ponytail.  I practiced making that ponytail every day for the whole summer.

When I got to school in 5th grade, I was so proud of my new hair.  Nobody was going to make fun of me for not brushing my hair now!  And for a few weeks, they really didn’t.

Then one day, and I will never, ever ever forget this day, some of my hair came loose from the ponytail (probably from some normal kid reason, like I was playing on the playground or something), and a boy named Mike said out loud “Why would anyone even want to be friends with Snazzy?  She tries to put her hair in a ponytail and it all falls out.”

I was absolutely devastated.  I didn’t cry until I got home (I knew better than to cry in school), but then I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, because I had worked so hard, and suffered through immense pain, to make my hair how they wanted, and it still wasn’t good enough.

And so then I doubled down on my hair styling skills.  I didn’t just put a hairtie, oh no.  First, I put a rubber band, to hold it tightly in place, and then covered it with a standard hair tie.  Then I also sprayed it down with hairspray, and I put in clips, and for years and years and years, my hair was flawlessly perfect.  People commented on it all the time, about how perfect my hair was.  Not a single hair out of place, ever.

And then they made fun of me for that. I was ragged on for being “a perfectionist” and “a tight ass” and kids would rub their hand on my head to mess it up because they thought it was hilarious how I screeched and ran into the nearest bathroom to fix it.

It wasn’t until I turned 30, and came out as nonbinary, that I finally grew the courage tell the whole world to go fuck itself, and I chopped all of that hair off, the hair that had always tortured me, and made me a laughing stock and then it was finally gone, and all I needed to “style” it was to wash it and it spiked on it’s own and I was free.

And then people said to me “You always had such beautiful hair, I don’t understand why you cut it all off.”

And my reply to them? In my own mind? Go fuck yourself.

I am autistic.  I will never be what YOU want, so I will be what I want.  If you will not accept me, or value me, no matter what I do, then I will accept me and I will value me, and it is MY hair and I will make it how I want it.

And so no, anon.  This is not a small thing, and you are far, far from childish.  I understand this pain 100%, and I am sorry that you have to face it every single day, when you go to get dressed.  You are NOT exaggerating, you are NOT overreacting, and you are not alone, not at all, because I went through this myself, for years and years and years.  You deserve absolutely none of the judgement that has ever been placed on you regarding your appearance, and all I can say is that you truly are beautiful, exactly as you are, when you are your true self, that is beautiful, and I hope that one day you will be able to see it for yourself. 

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Tori Amos quotes

- Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

- I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing.

- I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things.

- Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.

- I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel lonely.

- The violence between women is unbelievable.

- I'm too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?

- If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it.

- If you really want a challenge, just deal with yourself.

- I don't see myself as weird, I just see myself as honest.

- I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare.

- Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much.

- Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.

- On some of my darkest days, Lucifer's the one who comes and gives me an ice cream.

- Most people would rather be sheep than stand on their own with antlers on.

- The sense of loss is such a tricky one, because we always feel like our worth is tied up into stuff that we have, not that our worth can grow with things we are willing to lose.

- When you've got the virgin and the whore sitting next to each other, they're likely to judge each other harshly.

- I think you have to know who you are.

- Get to know the monster that lives in your soul.

- Dive deep into your soul and explore it.

- I don’t want to renounce my dark side.

- The truth has always held an enormous interest for me.

- Healing for me is being able to sit next to the butcher and say 'Yes, I’m sitting next to the butcher now,' instead of saying 'there is no butcher'.

- This is very simple in the world of chicks; some are hoochies, some are not, and some should never try to be.

- We don't often see our own stories. Good artists are the ones that whisper our own stories back to us.

- Music is about all of your senses, not just hearing.

- Again, we go back to the power of words and how they can make you feel. They bring liberation or stagnation, they're chains.

- You don't have to apologize for growing and learning and changing your mind.

- Music has an alchemical quality.

- Certain relationships can just wear you down.

- Containment of your opinion is a must if you are going to nurture an artist's development.

- It's a good thing I'm curious, because sometimes I just research how a soccer player kicks a ball and the impact it has on his foot. I haven't used this yet, but I might.

- But over the years you can cultivate hate for the art you love.

- I don’t believe anyone’s story is boring. Every story has value because it belongs only to you.

- Sometimes I fantasize backstage about how people do their laundry. Woolite? Mixed-color loads? Do they fold? Do they press? Do they Shout it out? And the thing that kills me—do their whites come out dingy?

- Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change.

- We like our pain. And we’re packaging it, and we’re selling it.

- Festivals or radio shows can be the heavyweight championships of arrogantly detached clusterfucks.

- People who are addicted to power can live on the same street or attend the same school as us or even play on the world stage.

- None of us are this light and dark fantasy. What's dark to you may be light to me and vice versa.

- I don't think that many performers necessarily want to see their audience empowered. I think a lot of performers, no different from priests, need the hierarchy.

- Modern, celebrity-driven entertainment turns the stage into an altar, and so many celebrities refuse to be removed from those altars once they manage to ascend.

- All storytellers, all troubadours worth their salt knew their myths.

- The Sídh's historical myth is the source of the bastardized concept of a fairy—as if anyone gives a rat's ass.

- The problem with Christianity is, they think everything is about outside forces, good and evil. There's not a lot of inner work encouraged.

- Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.

- I'm the queen of the nerds.

- Don't give up. Don't listen to these foolish critics that are so small minded they don't get it tonight.

- Sometimes listening to music can motivate you.

- I think even in a good marriage, especially if you stay together long enough, there are going to be events that happen.

- An ounce of breast milk is even more potent than the finest tequila.

- Music is always a reflection of what's going on in the hearts and minds of the culture.

- Many people lock a part of themselves away. It's a bit sacred.

- I've always seen the songs as having a consciousness.

- Our world is a huge mess right now, and not big enough for masses of intolerant people.

- We are all fairies living underneath a leaf of a lily pad.

- That is some funky-fresh, pop lockin' shit.

- If I saw someone destroy a piano I'd fuckin' kill 'em. Wouldn't think twice.

- I experiment with things that are usually an internal experience, because that's just what excites me. And yes, it does sometimes give me visions.

- Some of those trips were eighteen hours long and I'll never forget, once I ended up sitting by the bush trying to ask the flowers why they didn't like me. It's like, Why can't I be your friend?

- You might not like my story because I'm not gonna tell you how it ends yet, and you need to travel it with me.

- I just imagined a huge juicy vagina coming out of the sky, raining blood over all those racist, misogynist fuckers.

- You can't control your popularity

- If you can't create physical life, you find a life force. If that's in music, that's in music.

- I started to find this deep, primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it.

-I held hands with sorrow, and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit

- I usually get myself into situations that cause sparks.

- I love feeling alive, I love walking out in the cold in my bare feet and feeling the ice on my toes.

- For the most part, pianos are female to me.

- Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it.

- In our minds, love and lust are really separated.

- I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs

- When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?

- Guys would sleep with a bicycle if it had the right color lip gloss on. They have no shame. They're like bull elks in a field.

- Your worst enemies are made when you ignore people.

- It's as if the horses have come to take us back, to descend, to find the dark side. By dark I mean what's hidden, not necessarily satanic.

- There's room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. If you're trying to be like somebody else, then there is isn't.

- Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be.

- You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie.

- I'm not a habit, I'm a lifestyle.

- There are a lot of hidden nerds.

- People who become the front runners often used to be outcasts or loners.

- Um, don't get me wrong because I love boys, it's just that sometimes we don't need you.

- There are only ten ideas under the sun. What makes the difference is how you spice them.

- So I'm in Virginia, and I had crabs--I keep saying that! I had crab sickness, I had eaten bad crabs in Maryland!

- I'm a winter girl; I like coming out when things are desolate and everybody's ready to slit their wrists.

- You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people.

- I've never played the guitar, except throwing it against the wall cause it was pissed off I couldn't play it.

- Truly, I was a sweetheart when I was little, like the Honeysuckle Faery. Sweet-pea. But sweet-peas are not popular after second grade. Sweet-peas become nerds really fast.

- I really enjoy having a giggle with a friend, but then someone crosses my line, then I don't really take it lightly.

- I sometimes forget I'm not 7'2" and a Viking.

- A boundary was crossed. And maybe I drew a boundary, consciously.

- It was a bit violent, a bit sexual.

- When nothing makes sense, music seems to come and bring me a margarita and sit down with me.

- You don't have to justify everything. Being pissed off is just absolutely okay.

- There is a level of the vampire in me, which is OK.

- It hurts me when a woman doesn't come through for me, more than a man.

- I'm a grown woman. I've earned my experiences, my scars.

- What is an angel but a ghost in drag?

- I'm beginning to accept and love the parts of me, of women that I was trained to hate all my life.

- People can be so vicious toward the imaginary world and it saddens me. You kill a lot of little people's dreams that way.

- Even if you don't read history or you aren't interested in anything that happened before the '60s, there are reasons why we think the way we do.

- That's how the story goes but I don't believe the story.

- I would find myself either the lovey-doveyest-woviest sweet pea, or a mad-woman.

- I believe in eating.

- You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive.

- Why be afraid of these cuddly, soft, adorable things?

- I have good days. Like if I get really good coffee ice cream with just the right amount of chocolate syrup.

- A lot of people see themselves as victims, even when you have to stand in line for ice cream.

- It's so difficult to be critical of children because they need to discover themselves. We're always telling them, "No, the tree has green leaves!"

- I'm tired of being a rebel. Now I just want to be me.

- When things get really empty for me, empty in my outer life, in my inner life, the music world, the songs come across galaxies to find me.

- Do you know what it's like to be a girl and have blood running down your legs and think that you're dying, just because no one's told you that's what happens? It's horrible.

- An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly.

- Mess with me and you will not survive.

- I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck.

- I'm not into this dieting thing.

- The cross has been used as a weapon, as it has been used against all women throughout the ages. And that's the greatest evil of all.

- I think you've got to find a giggle somewhere in stuff that would scare the poop outta ya.

- A cornflake girl is Wonderbread whereas a raisin girl is whole wheat bread.

- I would like to think I'm a raisin girl, because in my mind they're more open minded. Cornflake girls are totally self centered, don't care about anything or anybody.

- I like butter and the people who like butter."

- I'm known as that girl who has tea with the Devil.

- I'm not afraid of sadness.

- Everybody has creativity and each person has it in a different way. Some people aren't musical, some musicians can't even think about painting or gardening. There's so many different ways to be creative.

- I wanna be burned, definitely burned, like the witches.

- Give the kids tools, so they can go build their own houses; not the blueprint of what the houses should be.

- Look at me now. I'm breast feeding pigs.

- I wish I had more of a sense of humor.

- I can be so hard on people.

- If somebody's being a jerk, I would like to go wee on their head. And then I do that, mentally.

- The people on the internet know more about what I am doing than I do. Like, they will say that I am going to be in this mall on this day, and sure enough, I am there!

- I'm like a lioness who kills her own prey and no one else has to kill for her. But if some other lioness comes to me and says "I just got a good prey, do you want a piece?" I can say "of course" - and the other way around.

- There are things that I would disagree with Jesus about, and I feel really good about that.

- History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes."

- I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best, it's just not appropriate.

- Of course I believe in past lives, I mean, three quarters of the human race believes this, it's not like a great new thought here.

- I use innocence in my demeanor like a Venus flytrap.

- I do like to talk about things no one wants to hear at the dinner table.

- I'm not interested in being a really nice person; I want to be a creative, responsible person that's balanced.

- Boys are cute but food is cuter

- Do any of you dream about crocodiles?

-I know I dream about crocodiles. I'm obsessed with them.

- If people can't see things from the other side that's not my problem, it's theirs.

- I think I give equal time in my hatred, right?

- Sometimes I'm mad at some guy, sometimes I'm mad at some girl, and sometimes I'm totally loving some guy, so and sometimes I'm loving some girl.

_ Well, Pele is the volcano goddess and I thought of like, um, sacrificing some of the boys in my life to her but then I decided that that wasn't really a very good idea.

- Anger originates from envy and outrage, not being seen, not being heard.

- We don't know where souls go when they die. We don't know a lot of things. We didn't create the planets. We didn't do this all by ourselves. So, therefore, why wouldn't there be a creative force if it can create humans and planets?

- I've been hanging out with some of the Hell's Angels in England. They're some of the sweetest people I've ever met.

- Real friends have to be understanding of each other, and their faults.

- I think I'm really hard to get to know on a personal level.

- Thailand is calling me.

- People I see laughing all the time, check for razor blades in their anal-force underwear, because it's just a little lie.

- I'm not interested in taking drugs. I do hallucinogens once in a while for journey experiences.

- I hear the wine. It's like a structure. I see it as a piece. I hear it before I taste it. It's calling me. And then I start to hear it when I'm tasting it.

- Not that I use crystal suppositories, I'm not New Age.

- A peach tree says, 'Some of me will be juicy and some of me will be dry I'm not growing for you; I grow because that's what I do.' You always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is and the peach says, 'It's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches.'

- My theory is that women were the Mona Lisas for a long time and now men are Mona Lisas with little goatees. They are our muses.

- If you're gonna tell a story, you have to grow into the head of the rapist as well as the raped.

- He was a lite sneeze, and not the flu. Most boys would like to think they're the flu, wouldn't they? But they're really just a achoo.

- If you call me an airy-fairy new age hippy waif, I will cut your penis off.

- It's a double-edged sword and if you pretend you don't want it you're a liar and that is going to rip your soul to pieces.

- I'm always dreaming that these bulls are chasing me. Half the time I don't get away - I almost get over the fence, and then they gore me.

- I believe in energy, everything is energy. And therefore sometimes magic can be created if somebody is open to letting energy do what it does, instead of being so cynical, that you miss magic happening.

- I feel like a work really has many sides to it when people have such extreme reactions. When a work is greeted with just, 'Oh, you know, it's nice', then it's not affecting people. So love it or hate it, that's okay.

- I am a real believer in looking at pain and taking it out shopping.

- The music is the magic carpet that other things take naps on.

- I just try to strip myself, peel myself like an onion. At different layers I discover stuff.

- Why is the world where it is? It's so deep-rooted, if we really start looking, and we might not like what we find. But I think we have to, we have to ask the questions.

- I'm beyond the fury of youth.

- I love young women who are angry. They're wild mustangs.

- I didn't want her looking and hearing me and thinking, "Oh my God, that's a scary lady!"

- They felt that it was detrimental material for their children and that it was blasphemous.

- They've decided they kinda' have you figured out.

- My nightmares are so bad, that I mostly reject it when my friends want to take me to a cinema to watch a horror movie. Then I say, "No, thank you. I will dream in a few hours."

- I don't know of anybody who's gonna be fulfilled if they get hit by a bus. You have to surrender to that eternal need to be fulfilled.

- How do you know I'm not having a margarita with Jesus tonight at 10 o'clock?

- Let's be honest, religion has not supported women and men exploring all sorts of their sides, their unconscious. It has not been supportive of, you know, go into the places without shame, without blame, without judgment, and just let yourself really see what's cooking in there.

- I think human beings are so much more capable of what they told us we're capable of.

- Anyone can attend yoga, kabbalah classes, church, lectures by the 'Dalai Lama', yada, yada, yada - but can you be present for your life, and live with the way you treat other people?

- Only a few people should have a "greatest hits". I'm not one of those people.

- I feel like our leaders have hijacked America's personality, and taken her to personality plastic surgery school. And they decided this is who she is.

- The playground is the biggest war-zone in the world.

- You have to read visionaries to have visions.

- They squash the baby bird because their bird got squashed.

- I love reading. I'll read the first sentence and if it makes sense to me I pick it up.

- It's ridiculous saying there's only one true faith, it's like saying there's only one map to get you up the mountain. I want to see those other maps, man.

- I kinda have all the aspects of my personality round one table for spaghetti.

- If it's too loud, turn it up.

- I was doing drugs with a South American shaman, and I really did visit the devil and, well, I had a journey.

- There is no passion without broken crockery.

- You have to ask, how could a nation nearly vote in somebody who isn't qualified for the job?

- We're living in a frightening time and I wish people would wake up and realise they're surrendering their civil liberties.

- Who wouldn't want to shag a queen?

[creepypocky]

hi hi! how are you doing today? ^-^

i'm 5'4, non-binary (he/they/it), biromantic and i dress super edgy (pastel goth) ;^; i've got short, messy, blond hair, bright green/blue eyes, rather full red-ish lips, extremely pale skin and i'm pretty chubby (a big insecurity of mine).

the first impression many people get of me is unemotional and quiet. i don't talk, and when i do have to, i start shaking and stuttering. i do what i'm told and don't stand up for myself at any given point. essentially, i'm an anxious pushover.

when i get more comfortable, i start getting louder. i behave like i'm super confident, untouchable, i make sarcastic remarks all of the time and i just overall like making people laugh, still keeping my resting bitch face though.

however, most of that is to mask my insecurities. i'm still an anxious pushover, constantly thinking everyone hates me and that i'm a disappointment, but due to past experiences i started hiding that. i have heavy moodswings as well (possibly because of my ADD), and a lot of people can't deal with that. i can go from super happy to extremely depressed or emotionless in no time.

overall, i'd say my actual personality is scared puppy with abandonment issues-

i like spending time with extroverted people, people that are understanding and sweet (maybe somewhat flirty and playful, but shh), and don't mind me having a need for physical affection and reassurance. people that can rant about things they like, and don't think it's their fault when i just can't express emotions atm.

i hope this was okay ;^;

Heyy hon! Sorry you had to wait a little bit! I will get to this fabulous matchup now <3

Also I am doing great, thank you so much for asking. :)

|| I match you with: Ticci Toby! ||

First off, he lovess your hair and your eyes. He likes to play with your hair and make it even more messy than it is only to fix it right back up because its just so soffttttt. He likes to just randomly stop and look deeply into your eyes until he absolutely has to blink.

He doesn't judge you whatsoever for being a little chubby, especially since he knows full well how it feels to be made fun of for something you didn't feel good about because of bullies from before he became a proxy. Instead he will help you love your body and help you get healthier!

If anyone ever messes with you and you're way too shy to stand up for yourself, there he'll be, right next to you and backing you up to make sure you don't get hurt or have a panic attacks. He hates it when people mess with you or bully you bc he's super overprotective.

He loves it when you get more confident and loud, he really loves to see you enjoy yourself and smile. It just gives him so much happiness.

He'll always be right there to reassure you that nobody hates you or thinks you're a disappointment, he absolutely hates seeing you upset and hating yourself. He just wants you to feel better and he'll help you love yourself more and not care as much about what other people think.

He most definitely understands having heavy mood swings, especially since he's bipolar and can't even control them. He'll make sure to always look after you and make sure you don't get in danger or lose touch with yourself. If he can deal with himself and his own issues, then he can definitely be there to deal with yours. And it won't bother him, he just wants to help you.

Toby is pretty extroverted and loves to play around and do pranks, but he's still understanding and kind for you. There's a rare chance he would ever do something to make you upset on purpose. This boi is so sweet and soft for you its insane.

Hon he'll give you all the physical and mental affection you need, he lovesssss to cuddle and just hold you close whenever he can. He never blames himself if you can't express emotion because he's the same way at times and know that you're just going through stuff.

~~~

There you go~

I hope you enjoyed this matchup as much as I loved writing it! I hope you're having an amazing day/night and make sure to take great care of yourself. <3

[kcatta-wodahs]

Hey there :3 May I request a matchup🙈? I'm a 5'6 tall, queer, chin long dyed red haired girl(she/her) and you can call me Karo if you need a name :p I don't really care if it's a single pairing or a poly one as well as the kind of relationship (platonic/romantic/sexual), but maybe a romantic one would be sweet🤔 I'm a INFP and was born under the sign of Pisces and I think the stereotype fits me pretty well lol. I don't think I would describe myself as clingy, I definetely need my space (part1)

and me-time, but sometimes it's also nice to have someone who will drag me outside to do stuff or socialize if I'm isolating myself too much or another depressive episode seems to creep up on me. I think they need to understand, doesn't matter if it's a platonic or romantic relationship, that sometimes I can't give them much(time etc) and that that's nothing personal and that they're still very important to me. Hmmm I think I would prefer my relationship like I like my fanfics hehe, slow burning, like first get to know each other, (enemies to) friends to lovers is just *chefs kiss* for me <3 I really love to draw and sing, to dance too, I like to spend time in nature and with animals, help them too. But I also like adrenaline rushes, like rollercoasters, cave exploring, bungee jumping, exploring lost places etc, I would say I'm almost up to anything if it's exciting or interesting, but I definetely like just chilling and watching netflix, playing games or watching Vine compilations or crackhead satire twilight tiktoks(which is tbh the things I do most of the time until someone drags me out). I love making others laugh with just random outbursts(thats pretty much my humour, just randomness and gen z memes). I try not to judge anyone for anything and be open for all kinds of stuff, except for like non-negotiable things for me like racism, homophobia, sexism etc, like, full offense but I have absolutely a zero tolerance for that. I also get very emotional very easily, doesn't matter if it's something not so important like a touching movie scene(so many things make me cry so easily haha) or like in an argument. I really have a hard time argueing, I hate it SO much, I either try to avoid conflict(and run away like a coward lol) or if it's really something we have to discuss I sometimes need time and space in between(not the best under stress talker/thinker), but if the other side is being calm and considerate then I think I would be fine too Oh almost forgot,I love cuddling(definetely also platonic)and am not afraid to just throw myself at my friends/lover/s I am getting better at not caring about what others think, but sometimes I'm still pretty insecure about everything(my actions,my future,my appearence..),but my motto is fake it till you make it,so feck other people,I can do whatever the hell I like and nobody's gonna stop me hehe😈🙈 Soo yes,I think that will be enough😂Thank you for your time and effort👐💕👐

A/N: I promise you fake it til you make it is 100000% good strategy and also i see feck are you from ireland

I pair you with.... The Attic Sandwich!

Beel and Belphie would be perfect partners for you. The two of them balance each other out in many ways, and you fit right into that. They value the connection between them and because of it they don't expect to always be around each other. This connection extends to you. Beel takes you out to all sorts of places (usually ones where there's unique food) and would definitely have fun with some adrenaline rushes. It makes him forget about his hunger for a bit. Belphie is absolutely there for your sense of humor and he's very good at watching your depression and arranging something to cheer you up.

More Below the Cut!

The plot of the first 20 chapters is what really gets you close to these two. (Spoilers for that follow and in the last three bullet points) Beel opens up more and more to you, and just absolutely falls for you. Belphie gives us that sweet, sweet enemies to lovers trope. He becomes curious about you, especially with how smitten Beel is, and ends up falling along the way.

THIS is the cuddliest group to ever cuddle oh my goodness when you want snuggles you will have them

They adore just relaxing with you. The three of you become a pile on the couch while watching movies or other videos.

Beel will watch you scroll through tumblr while he engulfs you with his arms. Belphie somehow worms his way into yours and alternates between sleeping against your chest and watching your screen as well. You hear an occasional snort of laughter from him.

Beel is very emotionally intelligent, so he can quickly determine your mood and what he can do to help.

Belphie encourages you to break out of your shell and be yourself. He's very blunt about his opinion of other people lol

He finds himself staying awake longer with you just so he can hear you. He thinks you're hilarious, honestly, and loves talking with you.

When you throw yourself at Beel he catches you. He big and strong and loves affection from you. but also this happens https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIhl1cW9Me8

Belphie thinks its the funniest shit he can't breathe

If you do it to Belphie honestly he just stands there - either to let you fall or cling to him like a koala. He looks so Done but I promise he loves it. He laughs at you either way. He saves hugs and cuddling for when laying in bed or sitting. Too tired to hold you.

They both understand needing space, and will often just go off and do their own thing. They have complete faith in your feelings for each other, and will never doubt that you love them.

At least not for needing alone time - Belphie has lingering guilt over plot but he tries to make up for it by protecting you.

The others in the house can't help but be reminded of the trio they were with Lilith as angels.

While it still hurts to remember, Beel and Belphie feel almost as if they've come home around you. A part of them that was lost is found again. 

Snippet!

Cleaning day is nobody's favorite, but least of all Belphie's. Too much work. Just don't take ou your stuff and then you don't have to clean it later, right? The problem to him seems to be all the time people spend awake and he shouldn't have to deal with it!

But cleaning day is a little better with Beel and Karo. With their laughs and energy. Usually seeing other people so active drained him, but not with those two. He watched as Karo danced around the room to the music she had put on, while she and Beel tidied up. It was frankly adorable, and best of all: Belphie wasn't expected to join.

He was happy to watch. He watched as Karo spun into Beel's side, surprising him and causing him to stumble before he laughed and swept her up into a spin together. He watched as Beel picked Karo up with ease to put something on the top shelves of the room. He watched Karo find pillows in all the nooks and crannies of the room, and he huffed and whined when she threw each one at him on the bed.

Belphie was on snack duty. In exchange for the two helping him with cleaning day, he was expected to provide the rewards. This was not a small feat when Beel was involved, but it was far better than cleaning.

"Hah! The closet is done!" Karo declared, brandishing her feather duster. "Snack us, Belphie!"

He couldn't help but chuckle. It was an awful phrase. Silly and stupid, but Karo's enthusiasm was just so contagious. 

"Good job. C'mere," he told them, reaching to his hoard of treats.

Karo practically jumped onto the bed, grinning at him, while Beel was close behind looking very expectant. Belphie hid the curling smile of his lips by lifting up a large bag. "The closet is the biggest monster of them all - so for defeating it, you two get this."

Karo gasped and Beel's eyes gleamed. "Oh, those are my favorite..." he said, already reaching out.

"Ah-ah," Belphie pulled the bag back, to be met with a pout from Beel. "You'll eat them too fast for Karo to get any, so we're gonna do something different."

"Different?" Karo asked. 

Belphie smirked and opened the bag, which led to a very audible tummy rumble from Beel. He and Karo couldn't help but laugh. He pulled out a snack - just one - and held it up. "Karo, say 'aaah'." 

She beamed at him and opened her mouth. "Aaah!" Belphie tried really hard to keep his blush down as he dropped the snack in her mouth. She was so darn cute about everything. 

"Now you give one to Beel."

"Just one?" 

"Just one," Belphie agreed, smirking at the pout.

It didn't last long though, as Karo held up the snack and said "aaah" to Beel. He eagerly opened his mouth for the treat, but shocked himself by blushing heavily once she leaned over to feed him. Karo didn't comment, but seemd to be rather proud of the fact.

Belphie fed her another, and she followed up with Beel - but Beel took her hand after stealing the snack from her fingertips. He couldn't help but kiss the palm of her hand. "You're... so cute," he mumbled. "I like this."

"I thought you would," Belphie said, pleased with himself. "Karo?" he held up another. 

She went for the treat, but instead he pulled it away, holding it above his head. "Beel gave you a kiss, don't I get one too?"

Karo paused and blinked before laughing and leaning in. "You're adding new rules," she told him. 

"Never said I couldn't," he answered, giving her a light peck on the lips before presenting her with the treat. The look of satisfaction in her eyes made his heart pound, and he could tell that Beel's was just as busy.

"My turn," Beel said quickly. Whether he meant for a snack or for a kiss... well. We shall see.