#this was very cathartic for my inner child as well

[darrys-laundry]

my big fear about brent’s show was i was too over ambitious in the moment and bought ringside seating bc i was like omg! a birthday treat for me! and then an hour later i was like…fuck what if i’m sat next to the cast? what if i’m sat next to his family? and then i was sat next to his music teacher 😭

[partywithponies]

Common subtypes of comfort media:

Comfort Blanket Media:

Usually either media aimed at very young/preschool age children, or very gentle lowkey old lady media that you used to watch at your nan's house when you were 8

Uncomplicated media that reminds you of early childhood, when everything seemed simpler, and gives you that warm safe feeling

A hug for your inner child

Comfort Trash:

Usually some kind of reality show or gameshow, or otherwise just utter substanceless brainrot nonsense

The junk food of comfort media: contains literally no intellectual, mental, or emotional benefit, but it's very comforting to switch your brain off to when you need to de-stress, or you can't sleep or don't feel well

Comfort Learning:

Anything educational, like a well researched documentary, or a non-fiction book, or an educational podcast

Both the opposite and the very close cousin of Comfort Trash: requires your full brain and focus so you can't think at all about whatever going on in your real life or how you currently feel.

Comfort Character Petting Zoo:

Media you only really engage with to get a quick burst of content of a character or characters you're wildly overattached to, that you probably then use as fuel to switch off and immersively daydream about the character(s) for hours

Quality Time With My Close Good Friends:

Any (usually entirely mundane) footage of the celebrities you have the fattest crush on/you're in a parasocial relationship with that's unreasonably fascinating and entertaining to you, even when they're just sat there eating a sandwich or whatever the fuck

Discomfort Comfort Media:

Media that makes you upset. Makes you cry. Makes you uncomfortable. Makes you feel an ache in the pit of your chest and a dull heavy feeling in your tummy. Maybe even reminds you of personal grief and trauma. It's cathartic. It's personal. It's beautiful. You greet the pain like an old friend.

Maybe I Like The Misery™️

You Again?

Media you've been a fan of for so long that it's become a part of you. You can’t cut it off, it's melded onto you like a parasite. Even if you think you've moved on, you suddenly become aware of it again, and realise it's been there this whole time. Echoes of it bleed into all your other interests. There is comfort in the familiarity. It's with you til the bitter end.

(Can and often does overlap with any of the former)

[fortunatelyseveredreamland]

What a week…

It’s so weird to be back here. I am sad I deleted my blog so many years ago and forgot what it was even called. I knew I’d come back eventually if something big were to happen. Never thought this exact thing would be the reason.

I was at work on Wednesday when I found out. My hands immediately shook and my heart sank. I couldn’t wait to leave to get home and be able to know more and mourn. As soon as I got in the car, I started crying.

It’d been such a long time since 1D took up this much space in my brain. It feels like a lifetime ago, sitting on tumblr from night to morning. Rewatching the video diaries and music videos millions of times. Making my friends and followers one shots and photoshopped texts. Plastering my entire room with posters from every magazine I could find. But somehow, it also feels like yesterday?

It felt weird to have my mind immediately transport back to being in my room and only caring about the boys. Sleepovers with my bestie revolving around their music.

I don’t think I have ever loved something as much as I love One Direction. The feeling of hanging out with you all and loving the boys so very much. I wish I could feel that way right now without the overwhelming amount of guilt.

I had to come back here with a brand new account and feel this community’s embrace again. The only people that will ever truly understand this feeling. And I’m so glad I did. While everyone is speaking how they feel, they are also sharing old posts, and funny ones. Ones that make all of the good memories come rushing back like a rough river. It’s like I never left. And in some way, I don’t think I ever truly did. I left my heart on this website and in One Direction and now I feel like there is a part of my soul that is never coming back. But maybe in due time, he can live in that void for the rest of time.

I have seen a lot of posts about inner child. But to be honest, I don’t think my inner child is crying. My full adult self is crying. The part of me that would spend all of my life savings on a ticket to an ot5 reunion. The little girl inside of me left long ago, but the adult 27 year old woman who has nothing to look forward to now feels like she’s actively dying inside. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. They were supposed to live until they were 90. It’s just unfair and too soon.

I’d like to say that I hope all of you are doing well. This is the first day since the news that I haven’t been a full puddle of tears, but I also keep waking up and hoping this is a nightmare. I took a shower and blasted take me home. I cried a little bit it was cathartic. It made me feel that all of those memories are worth so much to not only me but to the boys and their families.

I’d like to round this off with my letter to Liam.

Hey Leeyum,

I miss you like crazy already. Which pains me to say because I could’ve been a more active fan for you in the last few years. I knew what had been happening, but always felt like you were going to come out on the other side, stronger. I wish we all could’ve saved you.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for writing songs that helped me through my teenage and early adult years. They still do. Thank you for making us laugh. Thank you for making us proud. I know you wouldn’t want us to wallow in sadness for you. You’d want us to talk about the memories.

The boys love you so much and I hope you knew that. There was no One Direction without you. You were the glue that held it all together. You deserved more public love than you were ever given. I just hope you know how much the 1D family cares and loves you.

I’m so sorry this was the way your story ended. You deserved so much more than life gave you. I will love you until the end of time, sweet boy. <3

I love you all. Please take care of yourselves. I plan on sticking around a while. Hope to see more names that I recognize on my feed.

[qarn]

I think I'm finally healing from my trauma

Ive made breakthrough after breakthrough lately in my healing journey & i truly feel & believe that i am healing. i feel it somatically in my body even. i feel calmer. my body feels lighter, less tense, less uptight. still working on that though, not 100% there.

i spent my entire life running from what happened to me when I was a child, and I have finally learned to face and it and deal with it in a really profound way. I felt it. I let myself feel the emotions, the fear, the panic, the pain, the heartbreak, the disappointment, the ANGER, God only know's I have had enough anger for a lifetime. I let myself feel it all, and I still am, I don't feel 100% healed or finished in my journey (its likely lifelong), but I truly broke down a wall that I had kept inside of myself, between myself, for the first time in 24 years. I see myself, my inner child, and we have grieved, God we have grieved, and I have nurtured her, and I am nurturing her, and giving her everything that my caregivers could not give me. Safety, consistency, unconditional love, patience, empathy, space, time, compassion, understanding, respect, and equality. She deserves that more than ever, and I am truly giving that to myself now, and she is so thankful.

Internal Family Systems - (IFS) - The therapy technique that has helped me heal & feel & move on

I have 2 primary family members (parts) of myself inside who include my 4-5 year old, and my 7-8-9-10 year old. There are other parts of me / my internal family system as well, but others are less burdened and less traumatized than these two tough ones. I've had to reparent them in ways that I wasn't & it's been profoundly difficult but cathartic & beautiful. My 4-5 year old self so badly needed to have a secret taken off of her chest and to be seen and heard and to be told that she is safe now SO badly. I cannot believe how long that little baby girl was sitting inside of me, terrified, alone, confused, sad, heartbroken & abandoned. She is so happy to be seen and heard now, and I feel the tension and fear in my body starting to dissipate. I can protect myself now, and I will, for the rest of my life I will, & my inner child truly knows and believes and trusts me to do that. She trusts me, which, was something very difficult for her to do after our big trauma (she couldn't trust anyone fully). But here we are, learning how to find safety & trust & respect in ourselves/myself. It is possible. Healing is possible.

My next big mountain within myself to heal & unburden my 7-10 year old self. She is PISSED yall, but, not as much as she used to be, because she is also starting to feel less burdened by having to be the only one who could protect herself/us, the only one who had boundaries that she profoundly and courageously defended against her mother & everyone around her, on a daily basis. We have a lot of talking to do her and I. But I see her, and she knows I do, and I'm ready to feel the pain/hurt/anger/disappointment/confusion/etc of that time in my life too, to move on and heal, and become the beautiful fully integrated whole woman that I am destined to become.

One day at a time

sept 28, 2024

[afro-elf]

I think the problem with the article is that it doesn't give out solutions when it is written as though it does. Comparing collecting toys vs liking harry potter vs lip singing are odd comparisons. Harry Potter actively harms people. The other stuff doesn't, not necessarily. If it does I would hope the author explains it but like most of the article it loses these points rather easily

well not every article has to offer solutions. it seems like the author just wanted the readers to consider their points, reflect, and come to their own conclusions. again, if you want solutions i would like everyone to consider what "adult fun" means to them personally. for some it's collecting, larping, physical play, sex, arts and crafts. something that is outside the scope of like consumerism. i don't think the article said that having toys or lip syncing harmed anyone, that's a bit of a jump to conclusions. the thing that having toys, lip syncing to the voices of toddlers (which is what the article said) or even those tiktok songs that riff off nursery rhymes, and liking harold potter have in common is that they are very consumerist behaviors that signify childhood. and because children are very vulnerable to advertisements it's concerning that so many adults have decided that like "getting in touch with your inner child" means buying things and then defending your right to buy things. for me, feeding my inner child means working on my confidence, trying to build an adulthood that isn't miserable, and being involved with my family and friends. my stuffed animals don't feed my inner child, who also had stuffed animals, and no judgement to those who find toys very cathartic and comforting, but like i think the catharsis and comfort comes from something else like being touch starved or lonely or understimulated, and buying things that evoke nostalgia can only do so much to heal that. y'know? sometimes what you need is to like... feed a squirrel or call your mom or make an elderly person laugh. we shouldn't allow capitalists to lock the joys and pleasures of life behind a paywall or a franchise or an app and then, like children, not interrogate that

[khepiari]

Did you write "My Little Husband"? I've always thought about reading it, it's pending but I never get around to it. after reading everything it's an interesting perspective, and well, I usually rely on tags and summaries before going in and reading something, because I don't like to bother or feel uncomfortable, sometimes I do it because "Maybe it's not so bad" but Maybe I was a little rude when I expressed myself and I apologize for that, as I said, the problem of age is very personal to me for different reasons that don't come to the fore, but really in the end I don't stop loving this ship and its fandom, many Thank you for your attention and answering me, I wish you good luck in your projects and have a good morning, by the way, I love your publications Lawlu

Yes, it is me who wrote My Little Husband. I would advise reading against it. Yep, it is funny, a rom-com and fluffy, but avoid it if you are not used to child bride/teen bride stories. The language is immature, I used some serious terms without understanding the history behind it and played some issues for laughs. So yeah, avoid it if it can send you to a bad place.

As for being rude, no you weren’t. It’s perfectly normal to ask questions and express your thoughts. I chose to be curt and blunt about the ask, as for more than a year, we have seen a spike in LawLu antis bothering us on every social media platform; twitter, IG, TikTok, Facebook and Discord as well, hijacking our tags, retweeting art to spread hate and doxing. Hence I choose to be very clear on my stand on shipping and fandom discussions. We cannot bring real-life moral values to fandom spaces, which are fiction born of fiction or some form of entertainment.

Morals exist to help people live better lives and make the right choices when bad choices are the easier way out. It cannot be used as a yardstick to say something is good and something is not in the realm of speculative and derivative fiction.

Fandom is a recreational space, at best alleviation of the idea of a communal hobby space, but it is on the web.

When you are reading a fic with hopes it might be good, please be careful. If age-gaps or anything that can trigger you, you should avoid it. As I said, fiction is a personal experience. The point of hard-hitting stories/uncomfortable stories is to help you unclog your inner issues/problems/unresolved emotional baggage and have a cathartic release.

But if something has the potential to hurt you and you don't have your own safe haven or space to process it, don't engage with it.

Thank you for loving my LawLu publications.

Take care.

[candyskiez]

for the toh ask game- 2, 12, 20?

2. Already put my first favorite, so let's do second! It's...honestly a tie. I know, I know, cop out. But I can't decide which I like more. The two I'm tied between are Willow and Hunter. They're just SOOO. God. I love them. Okay. I know Hunter is. Basic favorites wise, but I like him okay. He's such realistic abuse rep, realistic religious trauma rep, it's,,, man. Man. It's. God. He's just a guy who's trying so hard to be good and do the right thing that has the odds stacked against him. He's a little unhinged and not like, a perfect victim. He's mean, he drops uncomfortable details about himself not realizing he isn't supposed to, they show the messy parts of depression which is a fucking REFRESHER. Also I just. Have a thing for clones that find themselves. I have a thing for characters that grow beyond their programming. I like how they go "Actually, growing up believing you're the chosen one would, realistically, SUCK." He's also really fucking funny. He's a sad wet cat, he's an extremely complicated character, he's also a basic bitch. I love him. I want to put him in a washing machine. Fucking loser.

Tied with Willow! She's. Man. I didn't like her much at first, I just couldn't get into her. But I love her SO MUCH now. Seeing the "bullied girl gets stronger" trope except it acknowledges being bullied sticks with you for life, actually is so nice. I love how so much of her development and healing is from learning to stop repress her anger and her sadness. In her mind, people start liking her again when she's strong, so if she stops being strong NOBODY will like her. She equates half a witch Willow, being weak or sad or in anyway lacking, with losing Amity. If she isn't cool and confident, people don't want to be around her. If she slips up for a second, everyone hates her (in her mind.) She views her emotions as the remnants of "who she used to be" that ruined everything. Hell, she views Amity treating her like she's weak as treating her as who she used to be. Like half a witch Willow. Like someone who would deserve that treatment. She needs time to get used to her not being that pathetic anymore. It's INTERESTING. She's so interesting. Chews on her like a squeaky toy. She's everything to me. I love her.

12. Honestly? Difficult question. First one that pops into my mind is the "do not underestimate me" azura quoting, because god it is SUCH a Luz thing to quote her special interest as she kills the guy who wants her friends dead, love her. But what else hm. I think also Luz realizing her greatest want. It's so...man. Man. Because it explains so much about her. Why the camp hurt her so badly, why she immediately latched onto someone who seemed similar to her, why she wanted to have some set in stone path made specifically for her. It's also just such a beautiful scene. Camilia apologizing was SO FUCKING cathartic for me. Healed my inner child a little and I'm not joking. Having a parental figure apologize for trying to make their kid normal just. Healed something in me, man. It healed something in me. The egg hatching was animated so beautifully, the color scheme, Luz crying, it's so BEAUTIFUL. It's such a. Good fucking scene. Man. The neurodivergent generational trauma is so real and then breaking that....wah. Man. Hm what else. Honestly? The duet. It genuinely made me realize "oh hey if I'd die it'd probably affect people", and I know that sounds dumb but. In my defense I was really depressed when I saw that scene for the first time. It's so gorgeous visual wise, fantastic visual representation of what's going on, SO well done, the music is beautiful and always gets stuck in my head, it's just. Very memorable for me.

20. Hmmm, difficult. I think probably Willow and Amity and Hunter. Bullied kids, disabled kids, repressed rage and constant anxiety of being in an abusive household. The abandonment issues of losing a friend. It's just. A lot man. It's a lot. Yes I know this is also a cop out shh.

[prismaticstreams]

Grieving and letting go: a 12 step guide

I wanted to put together a list of tools, techniques and resources that have helped me in dealing with grief, losses and break-ups. These tips can apply whether the loss is platonic or romantic.  I hope that you find these ideas helpful in your journey!

1. Books: When I go through a major loss, it helps me a lot to read more about how other people have coped and dealt with serious losses as well. When I go through a friendship fall out, it helps to read books about the specific kind of loss you are going through. For instance, if it’s a romantic loss, there are books all about recovering from heartbreak. If it’s a friendship fall out, there are books specially about dealing with the loss of platonic friends. If it’s a death, there are books primarily about grief from the death of loved ones.

2. Music: Over the last five years I have created Spotify playlists about grief, loss, break ups and so on, and I keep adding to them as I find new songs that are relevant. I find music very cathartic and can really help me get in touch with my emotions, especially when I might be feeling a bit numb and disconnected. Sometimes you might want songs that are all about sadness and grief, while at other times you might want angry or empowering songs. Just embrace it all!

3. Healing techniques: There are a number of healing techniques that help a lot in hard times and when processing difficult emotions, especially if a situation is somewhat traumatic. EFT tapping in particular has helped me greatly. Sometimes I make it up on the spot as I go along, sometimes I write and save my own scripts on my computer to go back to, while at other times I do a web search and look for scripts on a particular topic (and often change it to suit me). You can learn EFT for free here: Tapping 101.

4. Visualisation and inner child work: If a particular loss taps into something deeper from your childhood (e.g. abandonment or abuse from a parent, sibling etc) then inner child work may help you. Some people find it helpful to visualise themselves as a child, and imagine holding and soothing themselves - as a parent or adult would do for any child they loved. For more information and tips, I’d recommend checking out books about inner child work and looking up guided inner child meditations on YouTube.

5. Meditation and singing: These two are wonderful for calming the mind and body, because they activate the vagus nerve in particular. Singing with other people is also known to produce oxytocin and feelings of wellbeing, so if you can sing in a choir or a group, even better! Also there are many different kinds of meditation out there so I’d recommend trying a few types to find which methods suit you best. If you have a hard time focusing, perhaps start with short, guided meditations like the Headspace App.

6. Physical touch: Affection and physical touch from loved ones and friends can help greatly to soothe and regulate the nervous system. If you don’t have a partner, consider hugging friends or family, cuddling a pet, or getting a massage. Some people also enjoy attending platonic cuddle parties or find platonic cuddle buddies online. Certain social groups, especially from more affectionate cultures (like South America), tend to be more affectionate. If all else fails, self-soothing touch can also be quite calming and helpful.

7. Friendships and therapy: Getting support from your friends is crucial when going through a tough time, so reach out to your social support network as much as you can. If you need extra guidance and support that your friends are unable to give, then I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. Just remember that if you’re new to therapy, it can take trying several people before you find one who is a good fit - don’t give up too quickly. 

8. Online groups and forums: If you don’t have a lot of offline friends or you’re isolated for some reason (e.g. due to illness, disability etc). then online groups can be a great resource for extra support and companionship. I find online groups can also help to provide a more objective viewpoint on a difficult situation or relationship conflict, especially if the people don’t really know me and aren’t afraid to be completely honest.

9. Spiritual techniques: This may not apply to everyone, but if you are interested in religion/spirituality then you may find certain spiritual techniques useful for dealing with loss and moving on. Many people find prayer and meditation helpful during tough times, and spiritual community can help deal with painful losses. Some people also find it helpful and healing to use practices like cutting energetic cords/spiritual ties, as a way of letting go of past relationships. For more about this see: How to Cut an Unhealthy Bond with Someone.

10. Symbolic steps, ceremonies and rituals: Some people also find it helpful to engage in some kind of ritual to help them let go on a more physical level. This could include a wide range of things like going to a body of water and throwing stones in, writing a letter to let out all your feelings then burning it in a fire, or breaking a stick in half to symbolise an ending. Judith Orloff writes,

“Have honorable closure. This shamanic technique lets you release a relationship, particularly if you keep thinking about the person or sense that they’re thinking about you. Go out in nature and find a large stick. Look at the stick and declare, “This relationship is over.” Then break the stick in half, leave the pieces on the ground, walk away, and never look back. This finalizes the ceremony of closure.”

11. Journalling: Writing in a journal, whether on paper or typing on the computer, can really help with processing emotions and getting things off your chest. Writing unsent letters to get out all your anger, sadness and feelings of love can also help greatly. Check out these prompts to get you started: A Week’s Worth of Journaling Prompts: The Journey of Grief

12. Self care: This might seem obvious but remember to look after your health as much as possible when going through grief or loss. This includes eating healthy food, getting enough sleep, exercising, and avoiding drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. If you need extra help with this, find an accountability buddy to keep you on track.

[k00293433]

Disrupt: final conclusion

I went into this project with quite a clear vision of where I thought I wanted to go. I decided to focus on childhood and how this idyllic time is disrupted by the harsh reality that comes with adulthood. I decided to look at this by taking apart toys because by doing this I thought I could unlock memories and reawaken the child like wonder I once had.

In the beginning this was a slow and often tedious process as I battled with a want for things to be perfect, but eventually as time progressed I became as interested in the things that went wrong as I was in what went right.

I made drawings, took photos and videos as well as collected various items such as teddies, toys and old pictures and drawings to help me in this project. I recycled old clothes and toys as well as used old magazines for collage. By doing this I was able to connect and reflect much more with the story I was trying to tell.

The workshops I completed allowed me to explore the many different possibilities available to me during this project. Doing these workshops also further my project and altered my theme as I began to look less at physically breaking items down and focused more on breaking myself down, deconstructing my identity by focusing on who I was as a child, retracing my past. This concept began with my missing and found posters done in risograph in the publication workshop.

This developed more in the make your mark workshop as I began to look at reproducing doodles done as a child, allowing me to reimagine moments of my childhood. I cut up old t-shirts to create a quilt. I really felt that this very home made approach to the brief was really effective as my project was enhanced by the simplicity of the action.

After this I began to focus in on these old doodles, using animation and 3D to try to bring them to life. This was quite a cathartic experience as I healed my inner child and connected further with the person I was.

I do wish that I had been a bit more experimental with the media I used as I feel that in parts the 3D and digital elements are lacking but overall I’m happy with the work I produced as each piece is personal and considered. I didn’t do anything just for the sake of it!

Although my theme didn’t really change that much, my mindset certainly did. I went into the project with quite a negative outlook on the the theme, that I would be looking back and almost mourning my childhood, but through reflecting on memories and reimagining old drawings I came to realise that although many things have changed since then, that version of myself still lives deep down within me.

My final display.

[honeyviscera]

Some headcanons for Hunter's dynamic with the rest of the Bad Girl Coven when he joins because OF COURSE he will:

(he's going to join the found family. he's going to. he will. he is going to be loved and cherished and valued and shown real affection and *starts crying*) - He has a very brother-and-sister vibe with Luz. They love each other, he's eternally grateful to her, they love studying wild magic together, and he loves learning about glyphs, but they ALWAYS do the most to bug the other. Luz teases Hunter and playfully pokes him to get a reaction and she's always successful, but THEN he sees how Luz is around Amity and. hehe. Suddenly he has fodder for playful teasing revenge.

- Also hugs. He needs hugs and Luz loves giving hugs and yes. them. hugging. (please let him be hugged.) - He and Amity. just. Understand each other. They will sit in the living room of the Owl House in silence and just Vibe for hours, Amity reading Azura and Hunter reading texts on wild magic, and occasionally they will make Understanding Eye Contact. On the flip side, they also love to gush about their respective interests to the other, and they always listen to what the other has to say.

- Amity also helps Hunter do his research in the library and they make up some bs about Important Emperor's Coven Business in order to access all those Restricted Books on Things The Emperor Doesn't Want You To Know, and it becomes an inside joke with them, where they act out more and more outlandish reasons in order to get to the books to each other, while everyone else looks on with varying degrees of amusement, confusion, and concern.

- They also talk about family issues. It's cathartic. Amity realises that Hunter never got Supportive Older Siblings and decides (maybe? ill-advisedly) to introduce him to Emira and Edric. This goes about as well as you would expect. But at the end of that meet up, Hunter just. can't stop smiling. Amity thinks that maybe this wasn't such a bad decision after all. - Gus can't stop draping himself all over Hunter. With finger guns, side hugs, etc, and Gus' endless stream-of-consciousness talking style, Gus just. drags Hunter everywhere because "Oh wow! It's another guy in the Bad Girl Coven! We're bros now. We are officially bros."

- Gus tries to act all cool around Hunter in order to impress him, which fools nobody, but Hunter is just kinda overwhelmed by Gus' enthusiasm and also he's once again amazed he has Yet Another Friend that he just. goes along with it. - He and Willow are besties. yes. At first, he's kinda terrified of her because of her power and Pure Feral Energy, but quickly realises she's really warm the rest of the time.

- Willow is very affectionate around Hunter and Hunter is just. internally sobbing like "oh my god you're so sweet what did I do to deserve this"

- Hunter always listens to Willow gush about her plants and he takes Very Detailed Notes because this stuff is helpful to his research (and also he thinks Willow is Very Cool) - Eda is soo incredibly nice to him and supportive of his rebellion and at first he's kinda afraid of her because he has Trauma but quickly realises Eda is absolutely awesome

- She encourages him to embrace his inner desire to Disobey The Emperor and do Illegal Things and after a while she is 100% successful

- She gives him the love and affection he has so desperately been lacking and the first time she praises him he bursts into tears. This is followed by a hug from Eda. It's very sweet.

- Hunter is worried Eda will kick him out when she finds out who he is but she's like. "Kid. You're fine. I literally housed and cared for my estranged sister who cursed me as children. What matters is that you've rebelled, and you deserve to be cared for because Belos is an abusive asshole."

- Cue Hunter crying once again

- Yeah Eda just adopts Hunter as one of her children. Hunter is shocked but incredibly grateful and there are a lot of tears.

- When he meets Lilith again, at first Lilith is like. "Ugh. It's the young whippersnapper. Little brat." but very quickly she realizes "Oh wow. This is a literal child. This is a literal actual child who is heavily traumatized. I am so sorry, I am so glad you're safe, come on let's do some illegal research together I have soooo much info on what you're looking for, you won't even begin to believe it" Anyways please let this poor child be loved he needs it

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

i’m addicted to journaling...it took me 28 years to figure out the point of it and “how to do it” (i.e. what works for me) and now it is the best part of my day every single day and i never want to stop once i begin. 

i only started kicking my ass to do this because i’m getting very serious about treating my c-ptsd (and getting my bipolar under control for the sixteen thousandth time bla bla; but serious, holistic trauma therapy is new territory for me) and journaling is more or less a staple of “recovery” from complex trauma.

despite the fact everyone on the fucking planet knows (and does not hesitate to suggest) that journaling is good for mental illness and wellness in general, i have a longstanding inclination to refuse any advice offered to me ever, plus i’m an extreme perfectionist, true to form to the c-ptsd poster patient. and like, this is compounded by the fact that i am a writer, and so that’s naturally one of the areas the self-critical tendency is most salient. 

anyway, i spent some time planning out this whole routine/structure/strategy for my daily journaling practice based upon these factors and what my needs are, what the purpose of journaling is for me specifically. 

so yea, like i said, i’ve not only been doing it every day, but i kinda can’t stop. not in a manic way, but in a way wherein i find it to be so healing and cathartic and meditative that it’s breathing life into me - into new compartments of my psyche that have been suffocating for like, my whole life. i notice that my entries that begin with the panicked and disorganized voice of my inner-child - my triggered adult self - nearly always progress into a tone that exemplifies strength, groundedness, courage, hope, self-assurance...

it gives me the chance to become fully aware of just how loud and relentless my self-abuse is; then, to engage in a constructive dialog with that voice. writing out these awful things i think of myself, all the things i chastise myself for, all the projections i pin onto everyone in my life as a result of the child abuse/neglect i suffered which robbed me of a sense of security, makes me realize their baselessness. how much it hurts me to give those beliefs and behaviors (and by proxy, my abusers) space. 

the more i speak directly to them thru writing, saying, “i know you are in pain, but that isn’t true, you are safe now” - the more i find myself implementing this elsewhere, everywhere.

[yandere-sins]

I like yanderes where it's like. The yandere brings you the corpse of someone who bullied you in 4th grade and wants a pat on the head. It's cathartic sdkjhlfhg

Might not be yandere enough for anon-who-hates-compliant-darlings but it's very healing for my inner child and also sexy bc I'm into gore.

To be clear, I don't even remember what they looked like and don't care but every now and then I remember it and I feel bad. It's the idea of revenge that I like.

I don't think a reader being compliant makes things interesting - there's sooo much tension to be had in readers getting stockholm syndrome or developing codependency or whatever else, or just straight up not wanting it and trying to get away.

But I do know there's that subgenre of "go forth and murder for me" yanderes where the violence isn't directed at the reader, where it's more of a protective or simply straight up villainous thing, and that's something I super enjoy.

idk just my two cents, feel free to delete or not to respond, i'm just ramblin' XD

You are basically doing what I mean when I say, "Find comfort in the horror."

I can totally imagine it's healing to imagine your childhood bully absolutely getting wrecked (I might actually need to imagine that as well lol), but at the same time, I don't think you & also the person who already commented under the other post understand the real meaning behind a compliant darling that I was talking about (might have been me being bad at talking tho).

As anyone else I love my darlings struggling and fighting, but I have been and will be writing co-dependencies or forced compliance to escape punishments. But when I say compliant darlings, I mean (and sorry, I delete those requests so I can't show them, but let me quote):

"Can I get yandere!x with a darling that is pretty much okay with what the yandere does? They don't mind them killing for their darling."

"How would yandere!y react to their darling just being "okay!" and go with them to get locked up?"

"What about a darling that is just so happy to be loved, they'll do everything yandere!z asks them to?"

I wish that was exaggeration, buuuuut... those are all requests I have received before. And that's what I call a compliant darling. Someone who has their free will taken from them like in Stockholm or co-dependency is not capable of making decision for themselves and thus can't be called entirely compliant and is not subject to what I was talking about.

Even in your example, since you only spoke about the yandere, not really the reader's perspective, if the reader realizes how wrong the yandere's doing is and is appalled by the action, no matter if they are (somewhere on the sidelines) are glad their bully is dead, can't really be called compliant despite profiting from the yandere's actions.

(Also: The "intentionally sending the yandere out to do the dirty work for the darling" trope you mentioned, actually, and you guys should try not to get angry about me saying it, borderlines on non-yandere territory for me, especially if it continues with the darling just sending the yandere on a rampage for their own satisfaction. Isn't the whole deal that about yandere like "Those guys aren't good for you, you should only be around me and give me your attention only!"? It's all dark content for sure, but if two psychos are involved, it's yandere-ness is questionable imo. So yeah, if you see it as a subgenre, I can live with that. If it wasn't intentional that the yandere goes killing, then I'd say it's yandere again for sure, otherwise, hmmmmmmmmm. Debatable.)

[lioncunt]

any way the wind blows review!!!

gonna put it under a cut but tl;dr i really really loved it and even the things that i was on the fence about i’ve decided i love as well lmfao

so i kind of knew going into both this and wayward son that the plot wouldn’t really EVER be as narratively satisfying as carry on’s. it would definitely be interesting and have a lot of cool thematic elements, but in terms of being a grand deconstruction of the “chosen one” genre, it couldn’t ever get better than carry on. and i’m so happy rainbow didn’t try to MAKE it that. she didn’t pull a supernatural and up the stakes to impossible, outlandish degrees. both wayward son and awtwb had realistic, fascinating plots that served as a metaphor for the internal struggles of the characters.

the reason i’m beginning this review by talking about the plot is because it’s what i’ve seen the most criticism directed towards. and like i DO get it, i also was taken aback at first at how the actual plot is kind of background noise for the first couple hundred pages. but like...i think it WORKS. again, this whole trilogy is a deconstruction. that’s its PURPOSE. obviously it’s doing other things as well, but it started by taking this well-worn and well-loved trope and completely turning it on its head, giving us permission to acknowledge all the damage it causes and how our love of this type of story is honestly kind of harmful. we turn off that part of our brains when we read harry potter or something else with traumatized child protagonists, in order for us to actually enjoy it, but the simon snow trilogy has always said, “hey, this is kind of fucked up, huh? you’re allowed to think that.”

anyway, the way that translates to the plot here is that there’s not always some huge mystical big bad, or obviously evil antagonist. the horror can be going on in the world around you, in the background of your day-to-day life dealing with your own shit, creeping up on you until suddenly your loved ones are spouting off nonsense that is an absolutely CHILLING allegory for eugenics, by the way, which i’ve seen NOBODY talk about. the clear political parallels were so well done, but not heavy-handed, and they worked wonderfully as an ending to this story. simon at the end being a target for an angry mob, who are victims of intense ableism themselves (the metaphor of being a weak mage = having a disability), how these religious extremists will point at what they deem abnormal and use them as a scapegoat, the disgusting “survival of the fittest” mentality leading to “i can make this society great again” - it was all just incredibly well written, in my opinion. and the fact that it happened so slowly, in the background, made it all the better. you don’t really notice how bad it’s getting until it’s BAD.

it also, again, works so well as a manifestation of the characters’ inner strife. others have put it better than me already, so i won’t talk about it too much, but the fact that the book is saying you don’t need to be like everyone else in order to accomplish great things and have a good life, you don't need to have magic, you don’t need to be human, you don’t need to be neurotypical or able-bodied or straight or white or ANYTHING these people will have you believe in order to make you obedient to them and hateful to others -- it’s fantastic. 

this kind of segues into the other big criticism i’m seeing, which is simon and baz’s one-day breakup. again, this has already been analyzed well, so i won't ramble about it, but wayward son was their breakup. metaphorically speaking. and i’m glad that it didn’t take some big, grand moment for them to get back together, even though it would have been narratively cathartic. that’s not how life works - it was so much better and realistic to have simon face the harsh difficulties of TRYING than dragging out a separation plot line that would have added NOTHING to his character. or baz’s. the only thing about their entire relationship that i would have done a bit differently is shorten the timeline, because a year and a half is a very long and honestly unrealistic time to go in a relationship without talking about sexual history or going on dates, even if there’s a lot of baggage. but that’s not that big a deal and i’m easily able to look past it.

(as a side note I'm getting annoyed at seeing all these takes that there’s too much sexual content. like i get it because the first two books are solidly YA and this is being marketed as YA even though it’s definitely NA, but like....sex is important. sex scenes and sexual content are an extremely important part of depicting the human experience. and lack of sex as well!! every single intimate scene between them was NOT super graphic and had such incredibly important significance narratively and character-wise - and yeah that includes any kinks that were brought up, like jesus they’re in their 20s and have been in a non-sexual relationship for a year and a half i think it’s pretty fucking relevant that there are intimate scenes!!! anyway moving on.)

i really loved penny and shepard’s plot - their relationship was so wonderful and charming and excellent for their characters, and i only wish we could have gotten their demon plot threaded into the larger picture, because after shepard was cured it felt like they were just standing there. that’s one of my very few complaints about the book. but they’re such good characters and i love them SO MUCH.

AND THANK GOD FOR AGATHA AND NIAMH. like i cannot put into words how fucking happy i was when i realized where that was headed. the cinematic nature of agatha and niamh helping the goat give birth while simon’s flying in the chapel and being targeted by a mob was just. so cool like i can’t even describe it it was so coooooool and then agatha and niamh KISSING and agatha found her PLACE and I'm so happy for her.

just in general the characters and relationships were fucking exquisite. i can’t help but love the way RR writes, especially her dialogue. it’s so real and three dimensional and her characters truly come alive and i care about them and love them so much. i’m so happy they’re happy, i wouldn’t have been able to stand it if they weren’t.

and everything got wrapped up so well in my opinion!! i don’t know what the hell people are talking about when they say they still have questions, like girl what about??? simon found his family, simon got a sword that isn’t tied to trauma, baz found out that he’ll get to grow old with simon, all their families are okay, penny and shepard are in love, agatha’s herding goats and a lesbian, there will probably be new threats and antagonists but they'll be able to handle them, life will continue to be difficult but they’ll get through it like WHAT do you not understand what’s not clicking i genuinely want to know. 

ok actually i have ONE single question and that’s. did baz pick up the sword at the end. because the way it’s written it sounds like he did and i like do not understand that at all. someone answer please.

anyway that’s my review 10/10 would recommend

[fluoresensitivearchived]

HOW TO MAKE A VASE by Yah Yah Scholfield / 3.7k words / a commission piece that now belongs to the people ! / Midsommar ( 2019, dir. ari aster )

Um! Anyways, this story was so weird to write! It’s about grief! It’s about a cult! It has mentions of death and gore and a car crash, and it’s honestly very sad, but also sort of cathartic in a weird way…?

How to Make a Vase is about Valerie, a young woman who loses everything after a horrible car accident. In her loss, she reconnects with an old friend who brings her to a ceramics club with a charismatic leader who convinces her to do the unthinkable. I’ve decided to tell it in a sort of step-by-step, instructional manner which I hope reads well!

TRIGGER WARNINGS; mentions of child death, graphic car accident, some gore, mentions / slight inner workings of a cult

NOW AVAILABLE ON MY WEBSITE!

[lady-of-the-lotus]

Xue Yang has brought Xiao Xingchen back to life. With the daozhang having no memory of the day he died, the two couldn't be happier.

But as for Song Lan…

Trapped in a paperman form by Xue Yang and imprisoned in a glass jar, he’s forced to watch his greatest enemy play house with a still-healing Xiao Xingchen.

Something Xue Yang is doing a horrifically good job of.

Xuexiao & unrequited Songxiao - M (T tbh) - 2.4k - Read on AO3! This is actually pretty fluffy, so be warned

* * * *

The jar is as tall and wide as a man’s hand. Inverted, it sits on the windowsill facing the Coffin House’s only room, giving Song Lan a full view of the bed.

Xue Yang has placed the jar there on purpose, he knows. So that he can’t help but watch Xue Yang lie beside Xingchen every night, watch him hold him when he wakes from the nightmares he’s been plagued with since his return, watch him smooth his sweaty hair from his face, watch him whisper the terror away and pull him close.

As a fierce corpse he had been compelled to stand by while Xue Yang committed atrocities, but worse was watching Xingchen awaken with a gasping cry in the center of a demonic array, was the horrifying realization that Xingchen remembers nothing of that world-shattering day six years before, remembers nothing of the monster’s true face.

He had stood there and watched as Xingchen clung to the monster, watched Xue Yang put his foul hands on him and lift him from the bloodstained array, watched Xue Yang carry him into the house while Song Lan remained outside in the rain.

And then, the next morning, as Xingchen slept, worn out from the ritual, Song Lan had been forced to stand motionless and silent in the courtyard while Xue Yang removed his consciousness and inserted it into a paperman. Heaved Song Lan's body into a coffin like so much trash, tucked his paperman form inside his robe, and gone inside to Xingchen as if nothing had happened.

“A neighborhood girl tripped and fell,” he heard Xue Yang telling Xingchen, who was awoken by the single cry of agony Xue Yang had allowed him. “A bit of a whiner. I helped her find her mother.”

And then he had placed the little paperman under the jar, and Song Lan, unable to close his nonexistent eyes, and too horrified to look away, had watched.

Watched Xue Yang slide into bed beside Xingchen.

Watched him stroke his hair.

Watched him brush a possessive thumb over each empty eye socket.

Watched him eye Song Lan as he tied on the blindfold, smirking, as if mocking Song Lan for what had happened on Baoshan Sanren’s mountain.

But almost worse is the sickening domesticity.

The monster cooks. He cleans. He shops. He sits very still while Xingchen braids his hair, the one thing Xingchen seems to be interested in since his return. He sits for hours simply watching Xingchen meditate, devouring him with his eyes as he fidgets with his own hair, pulling it out of Xingchen's careful braids.

And Xingchen—

Song Lan rests his head on the cold glass of the jar’s walls.

Xingchen is just as beautiful as he’s remembered all these years. Just as good, just as pure. A wraithlike figure in white, something not of this world. Something better than this world. A creature of moonlight and mist sharing a bed with a beast.

At least his nightmares have gradually stopped as time goes on. Nothing to do with the monster beside him, Song Lan knows. The nightmares can’t be about anyone other than Xue Yang himself. And the gradual lightening of Xingchen’s tone when he speaks, the growing frequency of his smiles, his blooming interest in the world around him, have nothing to do with Xue Yang. If Song Lan could never bring Xiao Xingchen out of his dark moods, if he always relied on a street performer, a storyteller, a passing dog or child or even a cathartic thunderstorm, there is no way that Xue Yang ever could.

The pleasure Song Lan takes in knowing the monster has not completely erased the melancholy is blotted out by guilt at his own feelings.

One day, after Xingchen has not left that tainted bed for three days, Xue Yang removes the glass jar and lifts Song Lan off the windowsill.

“Here, daozhang,” he says, digging a fingernail into Song Lan’s fragile paper leg, daring him to try to escape, “I made you a paperman. Remember those?”

“A-Qing used to love them…”

A shadow crosses Xue Yang’s face. “I promised you I’ll find a way to bring her back too, daozhang. But only once you’re fully better. We don’t want her to worry about you, do we?”

“No…”

“Then here. Take this.” Xue Yang sets Song Lan down in Xingchen’s cupped palms.

A shudder runs through Song Lan at the touch of Xingchen’s skin. For the first time since he’s died, he can feel warmth. Xingchen’s solemn white face is mere inches away as Xingchen lifts Song Lan, one fingertip running around the edges of Song Lan’s paper body. Frantically he jumps up and down in Xingchen’s palm, trying to signal to him, trying to let him know something is wrong, very wrong—

“It’s waving at you,” says Xue Yang, and Xingchen smiles for the first time in days.

And now Song Lan watches them leave for night-hunts together, watches them return happy and breathless with blood speckling the hem of their robes, watches Xue Yang fixedly stare at Xingchen as he undresses, stripping him naked with his repugnant gaze.

Watches the oblivious Xingchen leave the monster gifts, watches the monster sneer at the jar each morning as he takes the candy off the bed, watches the monster slip the candy in his mouth as if he’s consuming a part of Xingchen himself.

“I bought you seeds,” Xue Yang tells Xingchen one morning, a month after Xingchen returned, a year, a decade; Song Lan can’t tell. He can’t sleep, has no respite from his thoughts, and the days and night have blurred into a hazy nightmare. “I thought you might like to garden.”

Xingchen’s face lights up.

Song Lan has never seen him smile like that before.

“You remembered,” he says softly.

Xue Yang grins at Xingchen, winking at Song Lan. “I promised you a garden, daozhang, and I keep my word.”

Song Lan is filled with a cold rage, though he’s not sure whom it’s directed at. Xingchen had always wanted a garden, to put down literal and figurative roots, to sow life after so many years spent with a blade in his hand.

It seems like a lifetime ago since he’d told this to Song Lan, lying awake one one night during their travels. Whispered it to him as if it were a dark secret, as if he didn’t think he should have those desires, as if settling down was selfish, as if it meant he could no longer help people.

That was the night they had first spoken of founding their own sect. Of what it would mean. Song Lan had promised Xingchen a garden on the sect grounds…

A flower garden, Song Lan had promised. Xingchen had wanted a vegetable garden like the ones back on his mountain, but Song Lan had preferred flowers. No filthy fertilizer needed, no rotting compost or constant care. They would be away frequently, he had pointed out, training new disciples and night-hunting, and Xingchen wouldn’t have time to tend to a vegetable garden….

And Xingchen had agreed, he reminds himself. Xingchen agreed to a flower garden...

Xue Yang has torn up a large section of the sunniest part of the courtyard, right outside Song Lan’s window. Song Lan watches as they till the earth, watches as they spread fertilizer, watches as Xingchen plants seeds.

Watches him squeeze the monster’s hand in thanks. Watches the terrible joy on the monster’s face as he realizes the success of his manipulation. Watches Xingchen’s delight as he feels the first shoots poke up through the earth. Watches him work for hours side by side with the monster, weeding and watering and pinching insects off the leaves.

Watches Xingchen’s smiles grow more and more frequent, hears his laughter come more readily.

Watches him turn the Coffin House into a home.

The first buds are hanging fat and yellow on the vine when Xingchen turns to Xue Yang. They're in bed early, bathed in the soft pink glow of sunset, lying there listening to Xue Yang tell stories. Xue Yang is in just his trousers, Xingchen in his thin white inner robe, made pink by the blushing light. Song Lan cannot feel the air but the evening seems warm, the door left open with a quiet breeze rustling the poems left on the table.

“Chengmei,” he hears Xingchen say, “I…”

“What is it?” Xue Yang nuzzles Xingchen’s neck, and Song Lan wishes he had a mouth to scream with. The sight of the foul creature touching Xingchen, soiling him with his filth—

Song Lan had never dared so much as touch Xingchen. Song Lan had never dared lay so much as a finger on him, no matter how much he may have confusingly wanted to. Song Lan had treated him as he deserved to be treated—

Xingchen’s voice is soft. “…Thank you for my garden.”

“Our garden,” Xue Yang says, almost teasingly. He’s playing with Xingchen’s hair, twirling the silken black strands around his finger, sliding it over his lip as if he likes the feel of its smoothness. “The flowers are about to open, I think, not that I know the first thing about gardening.”

“I think you’ve done wonderfully.”

“Well, those farming books helped.”

Xingchen swallows. Song Lan knows that swallow. He wants to ask something, and he’s not sure how it will be received. “I….”

“Don’t be shy, daozhang.” Xue Yang presses his face against the spotless white marble of Xingchen’s throat, inhaling deeply. “I know you want a new roof with jade tiles and red trim, maybe a gold-leaf tea set...”

Xingchen laughs. “Not exactly. I was, well…”

He blushes.

Song Lan has never seen him blush like that before.

Xingchen’s hand moves slightly, resting gently on Xue Yang’s waist, and the monster sits up with a start, biting his lip with a sharp white tooth. “All that wet dew on the buds give you ideas?” he says, and it’s so vulgar, so completely unmoored from anything preceding it, that Song Lan, stoic as he is, would have gasped had he any lungs.

And Xingchen laughs.

A red-faced, embarrassed laugh, but a laugh with mirth in it too. “That’s not quite —”

Xue Yang pins him to bed and kisses him full on the mouth.

Song Lan mentally holds his breath. Xingchen will shove him away, scratch him, fling him off him with words of icy reprobation—

Xingchen wraps his legs around Xue Yang and kisses him back.

A chill of horror freezes Song Lan’s paper body.

“I’ve waited for this for years,” Xue Yang breathes, and Xingchen pulls him down closer, devouring his mouth with his, fingers curling into Xue Yang’s bare back, leaving faint pink lines in the scarred skin.

“So is this why you brought me back?” Xingchen asks when he finally pulls away.

Song Lan has never heard him be so teasing before.

Xue Yang’s eyes widen. In all their years together, it’s the first time Song Lan has seen that shade of alarm on him. “You know I’ve never once so much—all I did was, you were the one who—I would have been more than fine simply—”

“I’m joking, A-Mei,” says Xingchen, and, smiling, he pulls Xue Yang back down, rolls him over on his back—

Song Lan looks away.

Tries to, anyway.

But merely hearing Xingchen whisper endearments to the monster, hear the pants and moans and whimpers, is even worse. There is no way it can be as dreadful as his imagination makes things out to be—

Xue Yang, spread out under Xingchen, looks Song Lan dead in the face and grins.

And Xingchen, pale skin flushed pink, back arched, lost to all thought other than the beast beneath him—

Song Lan looks away again.

It seems like an eternity before the bed stops rocking into the wall, before the pants and gasps die down to a dreamy hum.

“I missed you,” Xue Yang murmurs into Xingchen’s mouth, holding him tightly to his chest, fingers buried deep in his hair. “I never thought that..I never…”

“I’m not going anywhere, Chengmei…not before we harvest, anyway. I want to taste the sweet peas I worked so hard on.”

Xue Yang pulls away from Xingchen.

Xingchen sits up, reaching for him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“I was just joking, A-Mei.” Xingchen’s hand slides down Xue Yang’s bare arm, clasping his wrist. “This is our home now. We can even adopt a dog if you want.”

Xue Yang swallows hard, but his lips twitch. He looks at Song Lan again, but his eyes dart away quickly, as if the monster is actually capable of true emotion. “I’m more of a cat person myself.”

“Two cats, then.” Xingchen sits behind Xue Yang, sliding his arms around him. “We can name them Yin and Yang.”

Xue Yang laughs. “Is that the best you got?”

Xingchen wrinkles his nose. Song Lan has never seen him so relaxed before. “You come up with the names, then, and I’ll find the kittens.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Xue Yang rises, gently untangling Xingchen’s hand. Naked, he pads to the door and stands gazing out over the starlit courtyard. The once-grim courtyard has erupted in a riot of life over the past few months, each coffin an island in a sea of greenery, with wayward vines twining up over Song Lan’s window and framing the panes.

“Look,” he says, almost inaudibly. “The buds are opening…”

Xingchen wraps himself in his robe and comes to stand beside Xue Yang. “ ‘Look’?”

Xue Yang grins suddenly and grabs Xingchen’s wrist, tugging him out into the moon-drenched garden. He whispers something Song Lan can’t catch and Xingchen laughs, the laugh floating in to Song Lan on the soft night breeze.

“Yellow flowers,” he hears Xue Yang saying. “Yellow flowers clinging to green vines wound around tall bamboo trellises, purple buds on the end of thick drooping stems, a carpet of green waving in the breeze…”

“I never knew you were such a poet, Chengmei.”

“You’re rubbing off on me, daozhang…” He raises a suggestive eyebrow, then hesitates, as if fearing he’s gone too far.

But Xingchen laughs, so hard Xue Yang has to slip his arms around him to keep him upright. And Xingchen trips, dragging them both down into a row of bok choy.

Song Lan looks away, but Xingchen’s laugh is all around him, dancing through the garden, filling the small glass jar.

He's ever heard him laugh like that before.

AO3! If you liked this, spare a reblog for a humble fic writer? 👉👈

[mind-balm]

What is a highly sensitive person (HSP)

One of my earliest memories is of me as a child of about 5 my mum had just lifted me out of the bathtub and wrapped a fluffy towel around me. It was still light outside and the sun was setting, I was staring out of the window at the orangey and distorted view. I felt warm and safe. All of a sudden I experienced a feeling of dread that washed over me slowly and gradually, it started in my chest and shoulders and spread throughout my body. This melancholy was indescribable for a 5 year old but it felt as real as the cold bathtub I was leaning on. I often recall this strange memory not understanding why I was so given to melancholy at the oddest of moments. Nothing significant had changed in my immediate environment, but I was most likely absorbing someone's energy. I have no idea where it came from (maybe it was my mum) but it was there. I don’t usually tell anyone when I get these strange energy shifts I have become accustomed to their existence, but I now know that I am highly sensitive person I can absorb emotion and I have always been  this way.

About 20% of the population is a highly sensitive person (HSP), it occurs equally between men and women, 70% of those are also introverts. You may notice some people who are bit more jumpy and seem to notice the things that seem irrelevant to most - they are probably a HSP. They tend to avoid overwhelming situations because they become over aroused which can be very draining for them. They can be labelled as shy but this is often an inaccurate and a simplified observation. They are mistakenly judged as lacking confidence but in reality the over arousing situation of social interaction causes them to go into their shell.

Evolution enabled the HSP nervous system to process details that most people miss. In this modern day this trait can be overwhelming because there is an overload of stimuli cars, traffic, technology etc. They have an enhanced perception and self-awareness.  They feel positive and negative emotions very deeply. HSP's are sensitive to strong smells or bright lights and loud noises . They get overstimulated exhausted and flustered.

They prefer smaller groups and meaningful interactions. Sometimes small talk can get boring for HSP’s and  they tend to feel disappointed with superficial connections, they tend to connect better when others show vulnerabilities or emotion. HSP's change careers more often and can get burnt out quite quickly. They can appreciate the subtleties of life, loving nature and animals, are empathetic, creative and imaginative. They feel the pain of others and want to help lessen that pain, I like to help people who are struggling especially emotionally , that’s why I became a life coach.

HSP's are curious, creative, conscientious, compassionate, intuitive, and have a great imagination, their inner world is a rich tapestry of thoughts, feelings and opinions, but not everyone is lucky enough to become privy to them. They have been burnt by social interaction many times, mostly in childhood by being a bit different or struggling to fit in, so they are cautious around new people and they prefer to have smaller circles of friends. I sometimes get called stuck up because I have built a little wall around me, its an incorrect evaluation because I don’t think I am better than anyone else and mostly quite the opposite. I tend to gravitate towards people who seem open, authentic and down to earth and interestingly I get on well with extroverts because I  feel their energy compliments mine.

Most people don’t know that they are a HSP  as its not very well known in the mainstream consciousness. Through a process of coaching, self discovery and self awareness I discovered that I am a highly sensitive person at the age of 39 so not very long ago. It was a lightbulb moment for me and very cathartic,  the pieces of my jigsaw suddenly started to fit together a bit better. I wish I had known this when I was younger because it would have helped me to understand why had so many fears and anxieties. I saw it as my weakness and tried to muddle through so as not to disappoint others. I would often be told not to be "so sensitive" which was always  bewildering to me as if I could just switch off my feelings just because I had been told to do so, believe me I wish I could! But I do understand that it could be annoying for the people in my life when I would freeze up and decide I just couldn't do something or I would not do it. I would feel so anxious that it was visible on my face which makes other people feel uncomfortable.

As I grew older I learned to hide my real feelings and I have been surprised when I’m told I seem confident. I learned to speak a little louder, speak my mind, smile and join in even if I’m trembling inside! It’s called survival and I didn’t want to be left behind. Most HSP's become experts at fitting in and you probably wont even notice it, but I would bet that at least one of your friends or relatives is one, and perhaps even you are one. But now I know to be kinder to myself and embrace all the positive aspects of who I am.

Beware of labels though being a HSP doesn’t mean one is really insular and boring. I like having fun, music and dancing, I even like parties and music festivals. But my enthusiasm can sour very quickly if I just don't like the vibe, I cant always explain why but I just get a sinking feeling that something is not right and then I want to exit! It also doesn’t mean they are weak, they have a great many strengths.

Nowadays I give myself permission to say no when I need to, this is important to me, regaining control as an adult has been my energy preserving saviour. Self awareness has kind of set me free and I remind myself not to apologise for who I am, after all those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.

Nisha is a Personal Development Coach

Contact  - info@nishasareencoaching.com

Instagram - @nishasareen