#this was supposed to come out weeks ago
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Wild Life Designs 2: The Tuff Guys (Tango, BDubs, and Etho) (before they inevitably crash and burn…)
#wild life smp#tangotek#tangotek fanart#bdoubleo100#bdouble0#bdubs fanart#ethoslab#ethoslab fanart#etho fanart#trafficblr#im done. im tired of looking at this#i like the colors ive used here in general but for this in particular they’re a little washed out. but idc at this point#its bc there are three of them and they all have very diff base color palettes LMAO#they’re so funny. completely dysfunctional as well#cant wait for them to turn on each other#my art#this was supposed to come out like a week ago but. midterms happen
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#my desserts#okay the hot dog and hamburgers aren't my design they're one of the standard designs we're supposed to make#and about a week ago we were having a store tour#which is essentially when a bunch of rich people from higher up in the company come walk around the store#so everyone has to work way harder to make everything perfect and jam pack the shelves with food#so that they can look at it#and they send in people who's job it is to micro manage everything in the lead up to them coming#and they always insist on coming on like a monday or tuesday so most of that stuff expires and goes in the garbage#like if they at least came on like a thursday we could be prepped for the weekend rush#it costs a lot of money too like my manager owns the store and he personally has to pay for like#getting everything professionally cleaned and the extra hours and the extra product#and this was like the 6th visit in the past year! usually you get 1 or 0 visits in a year! why do they keep coming back!!!!#and this visit they were adamant about having those hot dog and hamburger cupcakes out as 6 packs#and if you're going to do 6 packs anything less than 24 packs looks pathetic#those of you who can do multiplication know that that is 144 cupcakes#and those of you with keen eyes can see that the bun is made by cutting off the top of the cupcake. which is very tedious#those cupcakes took me THREE HOURS to do#then as soon as they went out on the floor someone placed an order for 24 6 packs this coming weekend so that took me three more hours 😑#anyway after all that the higher ups didn't even come. they had 'dinner reservations'#but yeah making 16 to sell individually isn't so bad
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Recent images I suppose ~
#First one is THE LONG series of GEESE that fly by!!! my aforementioned friends... Or I think I referenced them in tags of some post#days ago. and how I love watching them. See how many there are? And multiple of these will go by. It's like hundreds of them.#Then just the sky because I love the sky. My hair looking ridiculous as it always does when I brush it out of the four big braids I always#keep it in to keep it out of the way lol. I just find it silly how small it can be all braided up and then as soon as it is Released and#combed then it poofs into some sort of swamp dwelling wizard style.#Then... a daily word count... have been so busy the past week that I sadly haven't written much but I'm WORKING on it. Still on the blasted#'odd jobs' tasks sections which were SUPPOSED to be very quick and short. but.. alas.. Though I am on basically the last one. You go work#for one of the enchanting specialists in the city (very important in society since a majority of people cannot do that type of magic) and#basically he just works so much he has no time for a social life so he hires random people to sit with him in the afternoons doing menial#tasks. You show up thinking you'll help with some Important Job or something but hes just like 'no... peel this apple for me.. :)' lol#Edit note: arrgh just had to fish a slippery avocado pit out of a narrow garbage disposal drain with a chopstick. felt like some#sort of taskmaster challenge or something.. gods... I know some people just reach into them. I guess maybe#my hand would fit?? but... erm... scary. what about Sharp Things in there or something.. also Sludge of some sort perhaps.#ANWYAY.. interruption... I got up to go to the kitchen in the middle of typing my tags... lol..#Next image is SLEEPING boye.. And then PIGEONS!!!!!!!!!! my beloveds...#Oh then the giant evil hole in my bathroom ceiling which is STILL not fixed and the repair people still have to come back again.. BUT they#did have this terrible industrial dehumidifier thing they put in the bathroom and just left here for like 5 days and it was like a noisy#hairdryer going at all times and raised the heat in the bathroom from 65F to 76F in like two hours so.. I'm glad at least at their#last arrival they've finally taken it away.... the Noise Beast... silence in my house at last...#though I am still plagued by Mysterious Hole.. the plastic wrap rustles sometimes when I'm in there.... go away...#Ah. Then a delightful little lemon poppyseed muffin someone didn't want and then gave to me. Which was interesting since I haven't#had one in soooo long even though its like a very Classic Flavor.. I do quite like them though now that I've had one again. :0c#Lastly.. mushrooms. I think it's the mushroom season here. Everywhere you go outside there's some new manner of fungus#having popped up from nowhere. I like the variety of all their little shapes. These in particular have an interesting wispy curled layers#sort of look to them. Almost like a shaggy hairstyle that's curled up at the ends or something. They seem neat to draw perhaps.#Okay.. that is all.. I still have literally like 2 costumes and 12 outfits and I think 1 sculpture? to post.. but I am so busy this is#what I can manage for now I suppose lol... quick pictures that don't really take any sorting or cropping or editing lol#photo diary
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Lookie what I got! The rarest of collector's editions, with only one in existence! (There's an @ symbol in place of a © on the title page.)
(There's only one because I fixed it after I ordered my proof copy.)
Someday this will be very valuable, for sure!
#optimism ftw#why yes I do feel a bit stupid for that rather boneheaded error#but instead of dwelling on that I'd rather think about how much people will surely appreciate it years in the future#my writer friends are very talented you see#and there are some great stories in here#I like to think that someday the anthologies we put together will be looked back on in amazement#because how could so many famous writers have known each other from the start?#it's a nice thought#no idea what the future really holds of course#but I enjoy this possible future#just like I enjoy writing about Narcissus as a vampire who wants a reflection#and the walking-out-of-the-underworld Orpheus & Eurydice story as cyberpunk#there are many other cool things in here#and it comes out soon!#and pre-orders are up!#everywhere but Amazon for some aggravating reason!#clearly they are Too Big To Fail and no one is going to give them a proper kick in the pants for not getting their act together#like they were supposed to weeks ago#here's hoping their page works by launch day at least#we'll see#anyways!#yay I have my proof copy!#and it looks good!#I did the cover myself#my objectivity is shot but I think it turned out nice and professional#Shatterlore#book recs#indie author life#bookblr
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Happy new year, everyone!
#I’m spending this new years cosy in my bed#I actually did have plans but I was supposed to go out with someone who was by best friend#but I ended the friendship a few weeks ago#bc I had to protect my peace and deserved to be treated better#and I didn’t want to bring negative energy into the new year#protected my peace too hard bc now I spend my new years at home 😂😂😂#it was actually lit tho the neighbour’s fireworks were SO good and grand#the guy who I have been talking to wanted to hang out#he was going out somewhere in london with his friends to celebrate#and said I could come too but I said no#bc I don’t wanna spend new years with strangers#although I do really like him!#and he’s my age like my exact age lol so that’s good#anyways I’m going off on a tangent#happy new year besties!#my thoughts 💭
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god the hits really don’t stop fucking coming do they.
#genuinely cannot take much more of this#i hit my limit about 4 weeks ago#and it just won’t fucking stop#coming up on six weeks of having varying levels of Horrors(tm) happening to me on a weekly basis#and sometimes multiple Horrors(tm) in a week#lost my job#my cat died#had an asbestos scare#my partner’s cat almost died#he had to have emergency surgery#and then when he came home had to go straight back to the emergency vet to have emergency surgery a second time bc they fucked up#had a huge fight with my partner bc oh yeah this whole time we’ve also been moving!!!#but there was some stupidly unnecessary drama around the security deposit/getting the old house clean#and this whole time while grieving and losing my income and all of this shit I am also still a disabled/chronically ill person#so I’m forcing my body to keep working through increasingly instense flare ups#on top of all of this we have a houseguest who has vastly overstayed their welcome.#they’ve been here for SIX WEEKS and are showing no signs of going home#so much shit has happened in the past six weeks that I don’t even know if I’m remembering all of it here in these tags#and now. I have been denied for unemployment and received a notice that I have to pay back what they already paid me#bc i ‘missed the deadline to verify my identity’#except they NEVER SENT ME THE IDENTITY VERIFICATION LETTER#I’ve been keeping an eye out for it and I’ve kept every letter I’ve received from them#nothing has the verification password.#I filed an appeal but the confirmation page said it could take weeks to get a hearing#so what the fuck am I supposed to do in the meantime#i wish I were fucking dead to be honest#that would be preferable to the last six weeks
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i love it when im like whyyyy am i so anxious and sad… am i just a loser…. whats wrong with me… and then i have to sit and think for a minute like hm have you perhaps considered the like 4-5 ongoing extremely stressful situations youve been experiencing lately. like oh shit dude good point
#at work constantly at my super stressful job its 100 degrees every day i come home to the ppl couchsurfing one of whom i do not like#who were supposed to be out 2 months ago#to the messy as fuck dirty apartment covered in roaches#and once a week i get to see my only friends and now their new roommate is super fucking annoying and throwing the vibes off#ntm everything setting off my chronic pain rn#aaaaaaaaaaaa#also there was a like 2 week stretch where i got a wisdom tooth pulled and my phone broke and there was a hurricane. and i STILL had work
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I've come to the conclusion that if I have to pick between fun and happiness or studying math, I'll always pick fun and happiness. Therefore, I'm taking the choice out of my hands! No fun and happiness for me for the next three weeks, while I prepare myself for another exam that might change my life.
I'll be back after the 23rd! You guys take care. <3
#I was supposed to have done this weeks ago#but I didn't want to 😭#I tried to study and have a life at the same time#but turns out I didn't do much studying this month and there is very little time left to catch up now#I really wanted to at least finish my NLMG rewatch before going. and I did! so there is that#by the time I'm back Love S*a will already be airing#so no matter what happens while I'm away I'll come back just as insufferable don't even worry about it 👍
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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Being an adult is really cutting into my fanfic writing time
#family medical emergencies and homebuying expenses and community obligations oh my#next chapter of katabasis was supposed to come out like a week ago but i've got things like 'choir practice' and 'loan applications' to do#so uhhh it's gonna be another week at least
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talking to new people again is making me realize that (this is gonna sound dramatic) i haven't lived in five years but what i have done is watch a lot of movies and read a bunch of books and believe it or not that actually makes me an interesting conversationalist in some ways (?)
#and like i say: brf slt#they don't know i'm crazy and as long as you're normal about it having seen a lot of movies just makes you come off as someone who's like#interested in culture i guess. which i am. but it's fun#and the books thing too and also knowing a lot about sociology#i have things to say jokes to make so in two months they haven't even realized i haven't lived a life yet🙏#i didn't even do it on purpose the way it happened is in 2019 i was very depressed suicidal etc then i got better but i was focused on#like...idk. basically getting used to being okay with being alive again? then it was 2020 and we didn't have classes in person full time#until september 2021. that's how it was for university students here. i did hang out with people but no one i LOVED or actually became#close with and it's true that i could have tried harder but i didn't because guys i love being by myself😭😭😭#then three years went by and now we're here. it's fine it's just that i don't have a lot of anecdotes that aren't old because LITERALLY#nothing has happened to me. nothing#that's not true i did talk about something semi-recent to my bff on friday it was about my 'friends' who hated on everyone the same way i#did when i was literally 12 and about how anxiety inducing it was because after a while i was like is this how they talk about me when i'm#not around🤨 i actually talked about that then. january or february 2023#this has been in my drafts for a week and i talked about the post i talk about in that last tag last week when i talked about my mutual who#blocked me that's the post she replied to to give me advice😔#also it's funny i said they don't know i'm crazy and a guy asked me what my favorite tv shows were and i don't know why i actually gave him#my full list like it's funny because like i said they think i like like good movies and good television and interesting books and stuff#and i know the shows i told him made him reassess that (which is fine but it's just funny) and also i told him i'm watching gilmore girls#for the 18th time and he was like you're joking i was like hm...and then he was like no you're being serious because it's way too#precise...and THAT i could have not told him. i was like whyyy did i tell him that...but it's fine#HE HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF SUCCESSION? 34-year-olds...#i mentioned the sopranos a couple weeks ago and my future bff was like what is that and i was like ? then i asked two more people and they#didn't know the show either so i was like i'll ask him (34-year-old) i know he'll know the sopranos and he was like OBVIOUSLY i know#the sopranos it's supposed to be one of the best shows of all time and later i asked if he had seen succession and he'd never even heard of#it? crazy. i mean if it had been anyone else i wouldn't have thought it was crazy but i expected HIM to know succession
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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.
#j.txt#vent#barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible#I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do#my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over#the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa#nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to#see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc#I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being#treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through#any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt#but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much#but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really#I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen
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i need to do exposure therapy with purgatory i think the fandom experience at the time instilled the unpleasant dread and despair i still feel whenever i think about the event
#though it was also . the event itself’s fault . lol#and the miserable experience it was to watch them play from 7 pm to 5 am every single day for two weeks my time#and yes a lot of my unpleasant feelings towards purg come from my own ass being hyperfixated on the serv/etoiles#to a point where i struggled to Not watch . which made the feelings worse yknow#also like it kinda sucked for everyone it also sucked as an etoiles viewer . man was constantly stuck between the#‘i can’t fight like i want to bc people will complain that im too strong and it’s unfair nor can i Not fight bc people will complain that#i’m going easy on people/not invested in the team’ . and he was right people shit on him either way#like the event marked him in the ‘damned if i do damned if i don’t’ department so much that he still uses purgatory as an example today#and then he joined purg2……. babey girl ur hyperfixation is hurting u….. i actually enjoyed purg2 more tho so idc as much LOL#purg2 was better bc it was an event u actually willingly joined and it included people not from the main server so it wasn’t stuck in#fucking ‘is this lore or a pvp competition’ limbo#anw yeah even though i dislike purgatory overall bc it rly did shitall other than make people angry for two weeks (on ur server thats#supposed to be about uniting cultures . they all spoke in primarily english for two weeks bc the competition model that purg was#was just not built for short distance discussions…. lord)#there’s still some cool stuff that came out of it . my fave highlights r bloodhounds and nice cogs i love them#when i feel stronger i will comb through the vods to write up the relevant stuff for the etoiles miraheze page i just . am still not strong#enough . the detox must be slow and steady#jay rambles#also i am going to bed now i should have been asleep ages ago
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I need to stop sleeping all day its giving me wild as fuck dreams
#literally had a dream that i was a 14yr old mexican boy who was kidnapped by a crime boss and worked for him#making my way up the ladders until i was his right hand man#until one day i got in an accident and the paramedic who found me stuck by me while the cops questioned me#bc like who is this kid why is he so malnourished who is meant to tale care of you#and then they were restraining me in the back of an ambulance and i was crying and trying to breathe my way out of a panic#attack and then managed to calm down and the paramedic (who looked like that guy from disco elysium. the one you play as)#started asking me questions about my life and i talked about how johnny was in charge and he wore half a black rabbit mask but upside down#so the singular ear ran down his throat. and i talked about other thing idk but then CRASH the ambulance is suddenly gone#(OH I REMEMBER. i talked about how there were these women (prostitutes) who were nice to me and would give me food and drink#that i wasnt supposed to have and they wouldnt let me drink what the men were having but thats okay it tasted nasty anyway#and how on my last mission i was shot in the leg and it delayed me a day and johnny punished me by locking me up#and i couldnt leave and i nearly starved to death that week but the women snuck me small amounts of food and drink#even tho they would have been killed if they were caught. anyway that was like two weeks ago and my leg still hadnt healed)#im tied up under the clothesline at the top of the stairs of my irl house while the paramedic is tied to a chair by the front door#johnny comes in and starts asking questions but upon receiving no answers he grabs a metal bat and breaks the paramedics knee#and im just crying and screaming for it all to stop scared out of my life and johnny asks if i want the beating instead#and the paramedic says “dont you lay a finger on him. (name) look away i dont want you seeing this”#and then johnny starts torturing him amd all i hear is his screams even tho im blocking my ears and squeezing my eyes shut#and then im in johnnys room three years later and hes turned me into a dog but also an axolotl and ive forgotten my human roots#....like literally what the FUCK was that????#moss' madness#its called vague posting FOR A REASON
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Wagging my tail like crazy rn, cause tomorrow morning I'm going back home which means that tomorrow evening I will meet my baby kitten that we adopted while I was gone, and I will be able to see my bestie. Going insane. Woof
#we were supposed to wait with the kittu until i come back#but the og owners had some trip planned so mom had to take the baby earlier than we wanted#i mean we were ready to adopt the kitty and we agreed to take this specific one weeks ago#i just wanted to be there when she comes home#still im super excited#my baby daughter has been living with us for like a week already i think#i cant wait to meet her!!!!!!!#and!!!!! i wanna show her to my bestie#and hang out with my bestie#i miss her so much#also the day after tomorrow is my birthday so woo yeehaw birthday boy wee#love my dad but im happy to go back home from his place#bee buzz
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also, hello padisarah nonnie !! it's good to see you again :>
i decided to not answer your ask regarding the wholeeee stuff.. because i don't really care what they want to do anymore. i've done my part of speaking up about their behaviours and calling them out - which made a lot of people open their eyes for once instead of ignoring the warnings they got from me or other people. and i think that's all i want to do.
THIS WILL FORMALLY BE THE LAST POST ABOUT THEM. I will not answer any asks regarding it anymore, so if you want to make your own posts regarding those users, please use your own platforms, thank you.
as much as i encourage speaking up, i also don't want to give a flying duck about them anymore. y'know, like, i spoke up because i couldn't tolerate them and their behaviours anymore - couldn't just keep quiet when my mutuals are knowingly or unknowingly talking to shitty people like that. if they started a new blog, just let them. i don't really care anymore 😭 all i hope is that my mutuals and those that see this are more aware of internet safety and who you surround yourself with. it was already exhausting trying to warn others about them and not being listened to until i made this shit public — i'm not going to start becoming a blog that runs on discourse just so some can finally realise that this person was shitty and that person was the devil.
thanks for also caring abt me and informing me of their new url, i appreciate that a lot! it's on my blocklist now + the mutuals they've tagged on that post too 💀 if, however, i blocked you without a good reason why, or if i blocked you before you knew of this and had already cut ties with them, feel free to send me a message or ask on a different blog! i took precautionary blocks when it comes to having those kind of people as mutuals so .. yeah.
#visitors from teyvat : padisarah anon#thea answers#the post was made because i just couldn't stand the audacity of certain people still claiming to be the victim.#imagine claiming yourself as the victim when your story wasn't even straight.#venting in public but you can't even pick a plot. were you banned or did you leave willingly first without being punished?#then proceeded to say you were wrongly banned when you were literally guilttripping the mods . what did you think-#was gonna happen when you come back? did you think our arms were open then?#you left first . to avoid consequences . now that the consequences are staring right at you#you chicken out? you curse at the effects of your actions? YOUR actions? what about the people you've affected .#you say you aren't the same person you are a year ago but you only left a few months ago and you still affect the mental health of many .#our server wasn't even a mental health server. it's a positivity server. you're supposed to use it to get serotonin boosts#or boost other people. not a place for us to be your therapists and fix your problems.#i still can't get over the fact that neither of them can get their stories straight. wdym a year ago lmao. it was literally 4-5 months ago.#and you still act the same as ever. venting about how you wanted to kys or break down when a damn post unrelated to you talks-#-abt ur fav character in a scenario where they don't love you.#do you realize that the artists and writers' works you consume are for the general and not just you. what is your logic .#and i know you see this . you vague about us all the time. did you think i didn't notice.#the only mercy i've granted you was the peace for 4 months. you tell me i was dogpiling on you but you didn't change at all . so entitled t#-your ways of thinking and what you think is right.#in the first few weeks of u in that server i was the only one who thought better of u. funny how that turned out.#cuz u didn't change then and you wouldn't change now.#idk how many times i hv to repeat this but i blocked each n every ONE of them. including their moots.#and including anyone who interacted with them. im not sorry. if you were wrongly blocked then u can shoot a dm.#otherwise stay blocked and stay mad loser L.
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