#this was created to clarify what i meant to people when i first said solo cup pixy

[cutiequisitor]

solo cup pixy

[heartsopenminds]

I posted 2,448 times in 2022

51 posts created (2%)

2,397 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@mrandmrlesterhowell

@deadandphilgames

@heartstopperdnp

@combeauferre

@silentdescant

I tagged 279 of my posts in 2022

#dnp - 43 posts

#ofmd - 36 posts

#heartstopper - 30 posts

#daniel howell - 15 posts

#phanfic - 15 posts

#heartstopper spoilers - 14 posts

#fic rec - 11 posts

#phanart - 6 posts

#phil lester - 4 posts

#gorgeous! - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#misread the artist name as penny lancaster and was like supporting artists is great but i dont think rod stewarts wife waa short of cash

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

youtube recommending ninety minutes of dan telling us about how shitty youtube can be, we love to see it

66 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

#4

words don’t come so easily

pairing: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

rating: general

tags: alternate universe, first meeting, artist phil lester

word count: 8019

summary:  When Dan agrees to be a celebrity guest on a reality show for artists, his only aim is to raise his profile a little and appease his agent.

That is, until he meets the artists who'll be painting his portrait, and one in particular catches his eye...

for @hiwatari​, sorry it’s been so delayed ❤️

~~~

thanks so much to @sainthelmine for this gorgeous art of dan viewing phil’s self portrait, it’s exactly what I’d imagined!

71 notes - Posted January 9, 2022

#3

So we've had OFMD, Heartstopper and now Dan's back....2022 is officially the year of the queer, baby

160 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

#2

preshow hangout q+a! london 28 sept

I was at the show again tonight (I got to go on friday too!) and it was sooo good! I also got to go to the pre show hangout, so here’s some highlights from the q+a - putting under the cut as it’s v long and maybe a little spoilerish so....

- dan had lots of people he knows coming to the show tonight and was trying not to think about how how much ‘adult content’ there is and how they might react

- he had to remove some grandma jokes from the cardiff show because of the queen's funeral

- what disney prince would he bang? Immediate answer was the beast, then he clarified he meant in human form, then switched to aladdin

- people have mocked him for the fact that all he has in his rider is red bull, water and a banana (he reassured us this was not for sexual purposes)

- his feet smell like soap, but apparently americans have told him that's weird because everyone uses shower gel these days and soap is for medievel peasants

- he used to know how to do the dance to lucifer by shinee, and they're his number one all time group

- he thanked the person who wrote 'piss' on their piece of paper for bringing that over from instagram q+a’s

- the box where people post questions which is labelled ‘dan’s hole’ is now being referred to as ‘dan's slit’ because it’s a slot not a round hole

- the crew named the box dan's hole without consulting him and he's worried about getting it through customs to america

- the vip bags are meant to be an end of the world survival kit and you can use the bracelet as a weapon to fire at people's eyes and blind them

- there's lots of journalists coming to review the show tonight and Dan is worried they are all going to be bald white old heterosexual men and will think he’s just a woke child, but apparently if he wears nail varnish they'll suddenly realise he's gay and then whatever he says will be fine

- he said several times that we all have to make sure we cheer and look like we're enjoying the show so that the journalists will give him a good review

- his least favourite one direction solo music is liam payne’s

- the same person who asked that also asked for 'thoughts on’ daddy marx aka karl' and dan’s response was icon, legend, slay

- if phil were turned into a houseplant, dan wouldn't water him as he wouldn't deserve it because of how many plants he's killed

- dan thinks phil will live in filth for two months while he tours america and then do a panic clean 2 days before he gets back

- the person who asked them for a threesome was.....your mum

- corgi might win over shibe in the 'get a dog' discussion because shibes are apparently not very emotionally available

- someone said get one of each and Dan said he doesn't want to come home from tour and find two dog skeletons, so maybe that's a 2023 thing (!!)

- he emotionally vibes with the idea of becoming a cottagecore cat lady with 9 black cats

- his dream place to do a show would be in his house so he doesn't have to get dressed, so probably a livestream of him sleeping

- if he had to be a biscuit he'd be a hobnob - messy, large, circular and full of too much sugar

- fuck marry kill with mariokart characters - he'd marry then fuck then kill luigi

- he’s clueless about wine and never knows what to say when people ask him what his favourite red wine is

- phil only likes alcohol that tastes like ribena, and likes a nice gay rosé

- fave alcoholic drink - he said he's a gin girl because gin makes you cry and he's crying all the time on the inside so he's drawn to it on an emotional level

- someone asked how it felt to have turned an entire generation queer, and he laughed and apologised

- 'would you rather turn into sonic, godzilla or megamind every time you’re aroused?' dan’s response was sonic because whatever you're going to do, you can do it fast ‘time is money - spin on that, bitch!’

See the full post

216 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

so dan's spent two years writing his own non-youtuber au fic and trying to get youtube to help him make it

338 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[1997devil]

deals with the devil

pairing: mingyu x reader

w.c.: 2.8k

includes: incubus!mingyu, mentions of alcohol, unprotected sex, dirty talk & degradation, daddy kink, oral (fem receiving), fingering, creampie

a/n: this is me being self indulgent because that’s what got me 1k after all 🥵😛 i promise i’ll work on requests after this! i just needed to get this out of my system 🖤  also to clarify some things that may appear dubious, the drink the reader is holding is a potion by mingyu that he uses to lure her towards him! a lil fantastical touch i added to upkeep the demon theme lol

-

you mutter expletives under your breath when the dj hollers and shuffles to the next song on his shitty playlist of trashy holiday remixes. 

you’re only here because your friend had begged you to come along with her, pleading with such vigor she might as well had just dragged you by your wrist. she ditched you the second she set foot in the house, latching her arms around her boyfriend’s neck, the one throwing the party and the one who hired said dj. it really just reaffirmed how your best friend had a shitty taste.

when you entered what appeared to be a bar area someone had shoved a solo cup into your hand, the inside sloshing with a liquid you knew was strong, would blow your mind away from the scent that wafted from it, and would leave you with a killer hangover tomorrow morning. you didn’t dare take a sip from it, though you held onto it so that your hand wouldn’t look so lifeless, hanging by your body.

the shitty music didn’t pound against your still sober mind on whichever floor you were currently on, which you were thankful for. you wander through the house – perhaps the one thing your friend’s boyfriend was good for was the expansive mansion his family lived in – stumbling past locked bedrooms and powder rooms. people who were already trashed, no doubt from the same drink that remained in your cup, lingered about in the hallways. you gingerly stepped beside them, getting further away from where the party was mainly situated, not really having a concrete plan in mind or any sense of direction in what appeared to be a labyrinth standing as a house.

a bedroom you happen to pass by left its door ajar, and something called you from within to look in. it didn’t hurt to take a rest for a bit from the killer heels your friend shoved your feet into. you’d call a cab from there and you’d finally return home, within your safe space underneath your duvet.

there appeared to be no one, and you braced yourself to let yourself in fully. your heels sank into the carpeted floors as you slowly headed towards the bed. it was still clean and neatly made, and you wonder how no one has stepped foot in this bedroom amongst all the other ones you just passed by. you heave a sigh as you gently sat down on the plush bed. you hadn’t had a single bite or drink since night befell and painted the sky pitch black. the cup that’s in your hand still remains untouched, and you take a small sip, the alcohol burning like fire down your throat as you swallow.

something in the corner of your peripheral vision catches your attention, flickering, appearing transparent then returning to opaque in a moment you’d miss if you blink. it appears strange, fascinating, and you sense a stirring sensation throughout your body the more you rest your eyes on it. a voice that begins to resonate in your mind beckons you to come closer.

it feels like you lose all your senses as you face the man standing before you, and your brain eventually feels more muddled when you try to recall just where and you’d seen him before.

“had my eyes on you since you walked in,” the unnamed man hums, stepping closer to you, an arm circling around your waist. it presses you closer against him, letting out a soft gasp. your arms seem to move on their own accord, resting on his chest as he looks down on you. “wanted to taste you so bad,” he mutters, voice dropping to something lower than a whisper like you were the only one meant to hear him.

“w-who are you?” the lump that’s lodged in your throat since you swallowed whatever had been in that cup clears up just enough for you to brokenly rasp out words. you meet the man’s eyes, dark as midnight, glows and keeps your attention on him. you feel as if all your senses are heightened as he runs his warm hands on your body.

“call me mingyu, angel,” he smirks, a wanton intonation lacing his voice, “though you’ll call me many other things later.”

“l-like what?” you whimper when his head drops to your neck, gently sucking on your skin, fierce enough for you to feel but not enough to leave marks yet.

“are you gonna stay to find out?” his lips tickle at your ear, nibbling on your earlobe, placing a kiss to the skin right below it. it hits a spot you didn’t know felt good, a high pitched whine leaving your mouth. you nod frantically, and mingyu lets out a dark chuckle at how desperate he’s already gotten you.

it feels like mingyu controls all your movement, taking over your senses as he leads you around the bedroom and slams you to the door. his hand places itself firmly on your waist, and the other hand goes to circle your neck, almost like a priceless accessory that decorates the clean space of skin, like an empty canvas. it’s tight, hot, and you’d happily die like this, under his hands.

tears line and spring from your eyes, rivulets tracking your cheeks and dripping from your jaw. mingyu laughs, a snarky sound that is lined with fire and hell.

“haven’t touched you at all, pet,” he purrs, leaning closer to you, his tall figure towering over you. it is only fitting that the title of the king and ruler of the underworld is crowned to someone built like him. he commands attention, creates control in any space and room he enters, and right now he was playing with yours. “what’s making you so needy?”

he gently tucks a strand of hair behind your ears, a contrast to just how rough he’d been with you before.

“you,” you whisper in response. the smirk that remains on his lips is taunting. “what about me? i haven’t done anything to you.”

he continues. “what would you like me to do with you, angel? would you like me to make you feel good?”

the affirming nod you give is all the permission he needs as he presses his lips to yours, licks on your bottom lip as you easily grant him access.

–

“you wanna know a secret, angel?’ mingyu teases, slow and relaxed, unlike you who’s the spitting image of desperation and need for him. he’s been teasing you for what feels like hours now, reducing you to putty in his hands, just begging with whatever energy you have left for him to fuck you already.

you nod, masking your sounds as the pillow underneath you swallows your whine. you feel mingyu’s hand return to your body, slowly tracing a path of its own on your thighs, inching closer to your wetness but not quite reaching it yet.

“i’ve known you since before tonight, darling,” he mutters as his legs bracket your legs, fingers carding through your hair. “i’ve seen and watched you, even when you thought no one could see you.”

his gentle touch on your locks turns into a searing grasp as he pulls you up by your hair, making you stand on your knees. your hands try to grasp at something, until it travels to behind you, pressing your back to his chest.

“even when you thought no one could hear you as moaned and whined until you made yourself cum.” he bites out directly against your ear, hot breath fanning on your skin until the hairs on the nape of your neck arose.

“so damn pretty when you got your fingers fucking yourself fast and hard, hm?” he continues, punctuating every few words with a wet kiss to your jawline. “or when you think that dumb little toy you have can make you come. it’s comical, darling, that you think anything can make you feel as good as i do. you’ll come to know it, angel.” his hand comes down to your ass, gentle for a start, though mingyu knows you’ll beg for him to go harder. you let out a little yelp at the contact, and mingyu just feels even more fired up as he sees the red mark deepen on your skin.

he pushes you back down onto the bed. “m-mingyu-ah, d-do it already, pl-please,” you brokenly mutter, and mingyu delights in the way your voice cracks at every other syllable.

“do what, angel?” your hands firmly grasp on the sheets as you feel his lips travel downwards, tracing down your spine and the small of your back. he moves back just a bit so he isn’t sitting atop your legs anymore, then holds you by your hips to pull you up. your knees are barely strong enough to hold you up, and mingyu scoffs at what you’ve become under his touch.

“this?”

he runs a finger on your sopping wetness, and you loudly keen at his touch, finally. you momentarily remember that you’re nowhere near your own bed, yet you continue to release loud noises, not caring if anyone can hear you from outside. 

his mouth falls onto your pussy next, accompanying the ministrations of his fingers weaving in and out of you while he sucks and licks until you’re shivering. the anticipation that finally erupted with him pleasuring you produces moans and groans that mingyu absolutely revels in.

“what do you want, angel?”

you keen loudly with your eyes shut, taking deep breaths to not come early even though it seems mingyu wouldn’t even mind.

“w-want you in me, gyu.”

you feel mingyu’s grin deepen as he eats you out. “good girl.”

he lifts his mouth from your wetness, though his fingers don’t pause. he adds another digit, your wetness coating them up to their knuckles, dripping down to your inner thighs as well. you whine, impatient, and mingyu calmly shushes you, his other hand traveling up your body to pinch and play with your nipples.

“need to prepare you first, angel. you need to be able to take all of me, right?” he quickens the pace of his fingers, three of them now fucking you. your response is cut off by a whine. his feels better than when you do it yourself, going in deeper than you ever would’ve reached yourself.

“look at you,” he mutters in disdain, “can barely even take my fingers. d’you think you can take my cock?”

“pl-please, no more teasing, f-fuck me already!” you snap at his teasing, though mingyu seems unbothered, barking a familiar mocking laugh as he slowly pulls his fingers out, sucking on them, letting your sweetness coat his tongue and whole mouth, savoring your taste. he smacks your ass once more for good measure.

“demanding. be fucking grateful i’ll let it slide,” he growls, running the head of his cock on your entrance, as he slowly pushes in. he chokes on his own moan as he can barely push in up to the head of his cock. you’re so tiny underneath him, barely even fitting his dick, yet your pleading drips out of your mouth so easily.

your impatience takes over as you fuck back on him, and mingyu groans at how more of your tight cunt is enveloping his cock, warm and feeling so good. a gasp leaves your lips at how big he is, and mingyu’s hands bracket your waist, seemingly trying to stop you from going further.

“angel, y-you’re too tight,” he choppily huffs, a light sheen of sweat perspiring on his skin.

it appears to be your last straw. “please, please, i need you! n-need your cock,” you gasp once more, “please, d-daddy!”

you don’t even seem to notice the name falling off of your lips, but it reinvigorates the fire within mingyu. all his composure, the control he’d worked so hard to maintain so he doesn’t just fuck and break you, ebbing out of him and traveling far.

“you asked for it.”

he finally fully pushes in, his cock fully inside of you, your ass pressing against his hips. you gently swivel your hips, easing the stretch when it feels like his dick is splitting you.

“sweetheart, you’re driving me insane. what a greedy ‘lil slut, huh?” he grinds up against you once, and your arms feel like they’re about to give out. “getting off on daddy’s cock like this.”

his hands leave your waist, traveling to your nipples, flicking and pinching down on them. your whole body feels like jelly, letting out what you think are the most pornographic moans you’ve ever heard in your life. all your senses have been overtaken by the demon hanging above you, reveling in all the energy he’s feeding off of your pleasure.

mingyu bends over to press his body against yours, then straightens back up, bringing you with him. his hand tangles into your hair, keeping you upright as he finally begins fucking you, building up a pace. the sounds of skin slapping against each other resound in the room that feels larger than life, like no one can bother you.

he feeds dirty praises to you, and every syllable he bites out is almost competing with the noises you make. he tells you he loves how dirty you are, how wet and warm your pussy is, how soft your breasts feel, how you’re such a whore who so easily breaks when daddy fucks her.

his words tether back and forth between praising and mocking you, telling you that you look so gorgeous like this, brokenly sobbing at the pleasure, wetness dripping onto the sheets.

“do you like it, angel?” it is an understatement, and you can only express it through your dirty whimpers. “i l-love it, daddy. love it so mmm-much, ah, daddy, m-mingyu, ah!” you hate how mingyu keeps his composure so well, a sharp contrast to you, ruined and wrecked beyond comprehension.

“fucking you stupid, hm?” mingyu taunts.

then, in a smooth stroke, he pulls out of you, and you gasp at the loss of contact. mingyu leaves no time for regret. he moves back, turning your body around, letting you rest on your back. his fingers wrap around your ankles, pushing your legs up until he’s got you practically bending in half. he enters you again, easily picking up the pace he set beforehand. the new position easily leads him to the spot that makes you see stars.

your jaw falls as he continues to prod at the spot, hitting it perfectly every time. “right there, baby?” you deliriously nod, head lolling to the side.

mingyu’s lips on yours are soft and gently prodding, overwhelming you with the different sensations he’s subjecting your body and mind to.

“f-fuck, break me, daddy!”

mingyu’s lips stretch into a devilish smile.

mingyu slams even harder into you, pushing you to your limits. you see red, hot, and you know you won’t last much longer. you whimper, trying to work your voice up to warn mingyu, though you fail. he reads through you, his pace unforgiving as his hand comes to play with your clit, and you howl at the surge of pleasure that throbs through your body.

mingyu tightly grabs onto your thigh, pressing it down to keep you in position. “where do you want me, angel?”

“mmm, inside. f-fill me up, yeah, feels s-so good,” you’re completely out of it, slurring your words, not registering anything but mingyu’s warm hands running on your body and wetness, completely enveloping you until you’re teetering off the edge, ready to let the winding coil in your stomach burst.

mingyu groans, long and drawn, and makes the tension in your boy snap. you come from him coming, feeling him fill you up with hot spunk and pushed in deeper from how he doesn’t stop thrusting. sparks and sensations overflood you until you’re left with a gaping mouth and dripping pussy, as mingyu finally pulls out.

he coos as he watches you clench around nothing, his come dripping out of you. he bends down, using his tongue to clean up whatever had spilled out of you, then fucking the remnants back in with his finger. the overstimulation makes you keen once more, and mingyu finally takes mercy on you.

his lips gleam in the dark light, coated with the liquids dripping from your wetness. he kisses you again, and you taste the way yours and his come mix together in your mouths. your eyes flutter shut, feeling as if you’re suspended in mid-air as mingyu transforms from the ruthless dominant earlier to something much more gentle, lazily clashing his tongue with yours and pressing his digits down on your thighs to soothe the strained muscles.

it takes a while until he separates from you, and you can barely keep your eyes open as he smirks at you.

–

(you wake up the next morning in your bed, a sated soreness plaguing your entire body so great you feel like such pain would’ve only erected if you had thrown yourself off of a cliff.

a sigil that would’ve been invisible to anyone else but you brandish itself on your right pinky finger.

a feeling sinks into you, one that tells you he’d return soon.)

[thespoonisvictory]

Alright- this has been bugging me for a while. Sometimes, the way this fandom talks about “government” and “anarchy” drives me up a wall.

Stop Portraying The Way Techno uses Anarchy on the Dream SMP as Inherently Pro-Freedom or Individual Autonomy

*A quick note: this post does not reflect anarchy or my politics irl. I am not taking from anarchist source material outside of what Techno himself has said and acted on, because this is about a minecraft server and anarchist theory obviously won’t perfectly translate. I’ll use a few terms to help clarify but that’s not meant to be a perfect comparison.*

Techno’s an anarchist; the syndicate is not a government. This is a well established fact, and I’m not gonna try and contest that. However, people have used the fact that he’s an anarchist to say “oh, that must mean he’s against all hierarchies and supports free will and autonomy for everyone.” But what’s reflected by Techno’s actions that his anarchism is more based in something like Social Darwinism/”survival of the fittest”: he doesn’t believe in lack of hierarchies in general, he wants a lack of hierarchies as created by government bodies.

But what makes me say this?

Well, Techno siding with Dream and not appearing to have a moral quandary about it is a starter. Dream has made it very clear that he wants complete control over the Dream SMP and it’s inhabitants, since the first L’manburg war where he didn’t want an independent nation forming. He’s the one very obviously pulling the strings behind Tommy’s exile, not Tubbo (you could make the argument that Techno doesn’t actually Know any of this, but it’s relatively common knowledge and the idea that Techno “I grinded 200 wither skulls as a safe guard” Blade didn’t do any research on his allies is a healthy stretch). If Techno’s anarchism was actually based in autonomy and free choice for citizens, Dream should be his number one enemy.

“But Dream isn’t a government!”

I never said he was. Techno isn’t against anarchism for siding with him. What he is denouncing is the idea that his anarchism is about anything more than trying to remove literal government structures. It doesn’t matter whether Dream is a government, he still exercised physical power over dsmp citizens and inhibited their personal autonomy and freedom with his actions far more than the likes of Tubbo ever has.

Furthermore, Techno’s determination to destroy any government (not just corrupt ones, he clearly stated he was gonna destroy Snowchester if he thought it was a government, regardless of whether it was oppressive or not), is not an act of disassembling all hierarchies or promoting free choice, because here’s the thing:

People who participate in a government on the dsmp are doing so of their own free will and autonomy.

No one, at any point, was forced to be part of L’manburg, or any government on the SMP. They joined because they believed it was better than going solo. They willingly gave up a certain amount of authority for the protection of a government, and that was Their Choice. This is known as the social contract, and it’s kind of crucial to the dsmp’s lore. The fact that Fundy could just leave and start Drywaters or Jack could just start Manifoldland when they didn’t want to be part of L’manburg is proof of this. The social contract essentially proves that any government on the smp can only be as powerful as people allow it to be. Manburg was easily taken because of this very idea: Schlatt’s bad governing eventually led nearly every member of Manburg to switch to Pogtopia, until he was just a shell with no power, easily toppled. 

Dream did, at one point, try to force people to be part of the Dream SMP (1st war), or no longer part of L’manburg (exile arc), via violence.

Techno did, at one point, try to force people to no longer be part of a government, via violence. He seems to believe that because he can physically overpower people, that makes it his burden to spread his ideology of anarachy (where the “survival of the fittest” idea comes in)

The only actual threats to free will and choice (in the long term, not singular acts committed by people) on the dsmp have been orchestrated by people with immense physical power.

“But Tubbo exiled Tommy. Doesn’t that count as an obstruction of free will?”

Nope! Tubbo had his hand forced by Dream to exile Tommy as means of appeasement. Plus, Tubbo wouldn’t have been able to actually enforce this without Dream’s power.

“But Tubbo made the Butcher Army. Doesn’t that count?”

Not really? I mean, you could call it a bad decision, but Techno isn’t actually a citizen of New L’manburg. Tubbo wasn’t acting as an oppressive figure to his citizens, he was fighting with a body outside of his country. You can say he was wrong for doing so, but then it wasn’t wrong because he was a government figure, it was bad because he wrongfully tried to kill Techno. Techno destroying L’manburg wasn’t based on trying to protect it’s citizens, it was a personal revenge against an attempt on his life (which is arguably valid but not based in moral values lol).

“But Tubbo wasn’t voted in!”

Ignoring the obvious fact that Tubbo was clearly supported and accepted as president with no challengers, This. Does. Not. Mean. Tubbo. Is. Obstructing. Free. Will. So long as people in L’manburg were fine with living under whatever you would call Tubbo’s government (I wanna say enlightened despot but those didn’t really have cabinets so who knows), Techno taking Tubbo down is not an act of supporting autonomy or free choice.

Techno nevers asks citizens of L’manburg whether they want to have their government destroyed. He wasn’t planning on asking Snowchester’s citizens before destroying their home if he deemed it a government.

He destroys Ghostbur’s home (and everyone else’s) with little regard for his say in the matter. That is not a lack of hierarchy or supportive of personal autonomy. Techno is the authority in this situation, he’s just not a government figure.

That doesn’t make controlling people’s lives and destroying their property any less morally questionable

Techno doesn’t have the right to decide for people whether or not they want a government. Neither does the Syndicate. If he wants to make a funky little anarchist book club, I support him, but using it like a police force is Questionable.

(this doesn’t mean Techno is Wrong, per say, for thinking government is bad, just that his ideology does not support individual choice as much as some people believe. If Niki is an anarchist because she believes governments have hurt her too much, that’s perfectly fine, but if Karl wants a government, that’s fine too)

So yeah.

Can we please stop acting like anarchy on the dsmp is any more valid of an ideology to force on people than any other.

[thorne93]

The Stars Made Us (Part 4)

Prompt: In this world, you’re one of the “lucky” ones who got a soulmate, but what if the universe gives you more than you bargained for?

(Prompt challenge – You live in a world where your soulmate can write on their skin and you will get the writing on your own and vice versa. Where they can wash away the ink on their own skin, however, the writing is forever scarred onto your skin until you meet face to face)

Word Count: 2578

Warnings: angst and language throughout

Notes: This was supposed to be for @sorryimacrapwriter​​​  and their challenge like a year ago, I think? I still loved the prompt though and have been working on this story for quite some time. This aesthetic was made by @dontshootmespence​​​, thank you so much! Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes​​​, couldn’t have done it without you, as well as @carryonmyswansong​​​ and @arrow-guy​​​ and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​

Also, I’ve never really liked the whole soulmate AU thing idea, but this felt so right and it was amazing to write. I hope y’all love it too!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You ran a private practice and as soon as his name showed up on your skin, you immediately made arrangements for your patients to see other local colleagues of yours. You told your parents where you were heading and why. You packed several suitcases, since you weren’t sure how long you’d be gone, and you took off. 

You would’ve preferred to drive, to have your own car when you got where you were going, but you needed to see Charles, and you needed to see him now. He was in trouble and he needed you, so plane it was.

The entire plane ride, you were bouncing your leg, nervous. You were excited that you’d finally see him, meet him, put a face to a personality. But you were worried, if you were visiting him, it  meant he needed help, and you had no idea what could possibly be wrong. 

In the back of your mind, you even wondered if maybe he’d reject you. Maybe he’d take one look at you and disappointment would wash over him and he’d never want to see you again. You hoped that wouldn’t be the case, but maybe he was over the idea of a soulmate. Maybe he’d met someone. 

After fighting the airport, grabbing your luggage, and hailing a cab, you were finally actually closer to Charles. Closer to meeting him. Closer to saving him. 

Your leg kept bouncing as you gave the address to the taxi driver. He glanced back at you before heading away from the airport. Your stomach was in knots, your nerves vividly alive on every part of your body. In one way, the driver couldn’t go fast enough. In another, he was speeding along way too quickly. 

You’d dreamed of this day for years. You two were closer than anyone in your life. He was the first person you went to when you had good news, bad news, sad news, a rough day, a great day. He could make you burst out laughing from just a few words in a text message. He could move you to tears with a letter on email. 

So why, now, after all this time of wishing you could see him, touch him, hear him, were you nervous? 

It was only right to be nervous, you had no idea what to expect. 

And that expectation was completely shattered when he turned into a driveway with large gates. You saw a sign that said Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but there were weeds grown over it. You frowned. 

You were at a school? 

The taxi rolled down the drive until he reached the front door of what looked to be a mansion. You paid him and he got out to help you with your luggage. You hoisted your purse on your shoulder before taking in the expansive building in front of you. You took a deep breath and walked up to the front door and knocked with a heavy knocker. 

Twenty seconds later, the door opened and you met a tall man with blue eyes and glasses. You wondered if this was Charles. You didn’t feel as if you knew this person though. He didn’t seem familiar. 

Your brows knitted together for a fraction of a second before you cleared your throat and said, “I’m looking for Charles Xavier?” 

“Are you… a parent or a student? School’s been closed down for a while now we aren’t taking--”

“No,” you said, shaking your head, a slight laugh coming out as you glanced down at your hands. “No, I… I’m his soulmate?” 

“His...ah, right, I remember you,” he noted softly before opening the door to let you in.

“He’s mentioned me?” you asked, half for clarification and half to hear it again, just to know he’d been talking about you was a good sign. 

“Yeah, a few times.”

“I’m sorry,” you said, shaking your head as you looked around at what was clearly a mansion. “This used to be a school?” 

“Mhm. All the brightest kids, gifted--”

“Gifted, like, geniuses?” you clarified. 

“Well that and--”

“Hank, who’s here?” a British voice called down the expansive staircase. A man with long disheveled hair descended the stairs, a bathrobe hung loosely on his form, covering up dirty pajamas. A drink was in his hand and you cocked your head to the side. 

This man -- he felt entirely different from Hank. His aura. His vibe. No, Hank was most certainly not your mate. But this… destroyed man was.

You didn’t think he’d be British.

“It’s, uh, well,” Hank started but he glanced at you. “You should probably tell him.” 

“Charles, it’s me,” you said as you took a step forward, laying a hand on your chest. “I’m Y/F/I.” 

He narrowed his eyes at you as he took a seat on the stairs. “I’m sorry, is that supposed to mean something to me?” 

At first, your heart felt like ice until Hank leaned down and whispered, “Don’t take it personally, it’s the alcohol. He’s--”

“Drunk 24/7 and I love it,” he said before taking a sip. 

“No,” you said angrily. “No, this isn’t how we’re supposed to meet,” you stated, determined as you marched over, and up the stairs. “See these?” you growled, pulling your sleeves up, but there was nothing there -- no name, no scars, no address. Nothing to symbolize your past ten years of communication. “Where...where did they go?” 

“If you’re referring to the scars that are supposed to be there, don’t bother. If we are mates, they disappear when we meet, it’s how it works, this grand universe,” Charles said, making a show out of the air, waving his hands about. “So, let me get this straight, my name and location showed up on your arm and you just took off, destined to meet me?” 

“Yes, that’s what soulmates do for each other,” you reminded adamantly. “We’ve been in contact for ten years. That was before you suddenly vanished on me,” you scowled. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I break your heart?” he asked, leaning forward, his blue eyes captivating. Right now they were infuriating, and heartbreaking, but crystal clear nonetheless. “Well that’s life,” he spat before getting up. “Hank, see her to the door. I don’t want any guests. Thank you,” he said before waving, not looking back as he ascended the stairs. 

You turned around and faced Hank from the stairs, mouth open. “What… what happened to him?” 

“Where do I start?” he asked with a slight scoff. 

“Well, I guess a year ago. That’s when he stopped talking to me.” 

“A year? You haven’t been in contact for a year?” he inquired incredulously. 

“No,” you said clearly before frowning. “Why? What happened a year ago?” 

“Everything.”

----------------------------------------

You stared down at your arms, slightly saddened by the fact that your arms no longer had the scars on them, the little reminders, symbols and markers that was Charles. You suppressed a sigh just as Hank offered you a drink. 

“Would you like anything?” 

“No, thank you. So, what exactly…. He didn’t tell me anything,” you explained. “He told me goodnight and then... he was gone. I thought he was dead.” 

Hank made a face and perched an eyebrow as he stood behind the desk, leaning against a bookshelf. “He might as well have been.”

“What do you mean?” 

“We built this school, the labs, this whole place... then, just after the first semester...

There were protests. People didn’t want the school. It’s privately funded, and they didn’t like what it provided, what it stood for. Eventually we had to shut it down. He lost everything. Erik, Raven... his legs--”

“His...legs? What happened to his legs? He was perfectly fine.” Your tone made it evident you were clearly in the dark on a lot of things. 

Hanke eyed you, the realization settling over him. “He didn’t tell you, did he?” 

You frowned. 

He sighed before rounding the desk to sit down next to you. “We were in Cuba, uh, with the CIA, trying to stop this guy, he was trying to start a war. Long story short, the war kind of started, and a bullet got lodged in his back, paralyzed him.” 

The news of his sent you reeling. He was paralyzed? You had no idea how to take this.

“So how can he--”

“Walk? It’s a serum I created.” 

“You’re a doctor?” you asked, pleasant surprise in your voice. 

He gave you a half smile and a small laugh. “Not quite, more of a scientist of all trades. I take just enough to keep myself balanced... but he takes too much. I tried easing him back... but he just couldn't bear the pain, the voices. The treatment gives him his legs... but it’s not enough, and it makes him lose his powers. He's... He's just lost too much.” 

You shook your head. “I’m sorry, powers?” 

“Well, yeah, his telepathy,” he reminded, as if you were supposed to know. Suddenly, realization dawned on him. “He didn’t tell you that either, huh?”

“No, I suppose not. I had no idea he has… telepathy?” 

“Yeah, it’s his mutation. Mine is turning into a blue beast. That’s why I take the serum, but I take just enough. He overdoes it…” 

“I can’t believe he has a mutation, and he didn’t tell me,” you said aloud, astonished. It was more to yourself than to him. 

“That’s why the school was shut down, it’s a school for mutants, and some people were protesting so badly it became unsafe for the students.”

“So the sign for gifted youngsters meant mutation, not…” you said, trailing off. 

“Yeah, it’s kind of his dream to teach mutants, help them,” he informed.

“Well, I knew he wanted to teach. I mean, he told me about becoming a professor but never….” You bit your lip. “Just how much has he not told me?” you wondered, again, it wasn’t exactly directed at Hank.

“I’m not sure,” he breathed softly as he eyed you. You think he felt sympathy, maybe pity for you. You thought you and Charles knew everything about each other. Guess you were wrong. 

But it’s not like he was a racecar driver and you didn’t know it. He was a mutant, he had telepathy.

“So this… telepathy, how does it work?”

Hank started to shake his head, seeming uncertain. “You may want to ask him that yourself.”

“I don’t really think he wants to see me right now,” you muttered, feeling utterly dejected. 

You’d built this up in your head for years. You knew you’d meet him when he needed you most, but you thought it might be moral support, maybe to help him if he got in an accident in the hospital. You dreamed of meeting him forever, since the night of your 18th birthday.

Now when you found him, he was a drug dependent mutant who clearly had lost most hope in life. 

“This… is not what I expected,” you finally said. 

Hank said nothing but offered a sympathetic half smile. 

“Well, so how do I fix him?” you asked, taking a deep breath. “He lost Raven, and Erik… Wait, how exactly did he lose them?” 

“That fight, in Cuba, it was against another mutant. It was to save most of humanity, but for Erik it was a vendetta. Erik killed the mutant and asked some of the team to join him. Basically if you’re not with Erik, you’re against him.”

“And what does he stand for?” you wondered. Charles had mentioned meeting a man named Erik, and he said he was like him, but more of a lost soul that he was going to help. You thought he meant mentally, psychologically, not fighting in an actual war.

“He wants the mutants to be the super race, he feels they’re superior. He thinks the humans, if they ever found out about us, that we’d be targeted.” 

“And Charles? How does he feel about it?”

“He has faith in humanity. Yeah there would be some groups that didn’t like us, but he feels ultimately that we could get along peacefully. Well… he did before the protests.”

“So what exactly is this school for, then? I know it’s mutants but what does that mean? Why would someone protest it?”

“Charles wanted a school where mutant kids, kids just discovering their powers could come here and learn to control them safely, to exercise their powers, to understand the full range of their powers. He ultimately wanted it to be a blended school of humans and mutants, but we barely got started with just the mutants before it was shut down.” 

“That’s awful,” you breathed quietly, frowning. “Who closed the school? Was it Charles or was it the government?”

“Charles ultimately decided. He just felt the kids would be safer to go back into hiding. Here they knew where we all were, so they could come and harass us… It was only a matter of time before someone else stepped in though.” 

You were trying to keep up with everything, with all the news. “And Raven? You said he lost her too, what happened?” 

“She left with Erik. She’s got an incredible gift, she can change herself to look like any person and sound exactly like them. She’s unique and quite fascinating. She ages rather slowly. But she got tired of hiding. Her natural state is blue skin and fiery red hair, of course this is off putting to some, namely humans. So she thought it would be in her best interest if she joined the side where she might not have to hide any more,” he explained. There was a sadness, but an understanding to his voice and you couldn’t help but think that maybe they were closer than just friends. 

“She was his best friend, right?” you asked, wanting to be sure. At this point he’d left out so many details maybe Raven and he weren’t all that closer or they were closer than what he’d said. 

Hank nodded. “Practically siblings,” he commented. 

“I can see how that could devastate someone. And this Erik fellow? They were close?” 

“They were becoming that way, yes. He and Charles trained a lot together, became friends.” 

You frowned, thinking. “So what do I do for him? I mean, how do I… make him feel better?” you wondered. If anyone would know it would probably be Hank who appears to be the only one who’s stayed by his side. 

He laughed, clearly amused. “If I knew the answer to that, I don’t think you’d be here. I think I’ve done everything I can keeping the mutants and anti-mutants away. And also giving him the serum… Past that, I couldn’t tell you what gets him out of bed in the morning.” 

You pressed your lips together. “Could you show me to his room? I’d like to talk to him.” 

“Sure,” he said with an air of concern. He probably wondered if he would even talk to you. 

He got up and you followed him from what had appeared to be a study, back to the entry room, up a stairway that split in two, turning left, then walking down a long hallway to the last bedroom on the right. 

Hank knocked on the door, waited a second then cracked the door. He peeked in then turned around and nodded at you. You nodded once before he stepped out of the way and let you inside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[serendipitybutterfly]

Jeon Jungkook in Love and Relationships:

*These general readings are meant to be just that, very general. How a person acts in a relationship will be dependent on many factors and most people are likely to act differently depending on who they're with to some degree or another in any kind of relationship, romantic or not. This is just a light, general overview with a focus on the members core personality traits / tendencies when it comes to romance.

So... Similarly to Tae's reading, I get the feeling that Jungkook is not very experienced in actual relationships... Not necessarily saying he's never had a romantic relationship or had romantic feelings for someone at all, but the cards that emerged are definitely indicating a more passive, inexperienced energy and pointing more towards his future in romance rather than him at present. Just like Tae's reading, I had to clarify and reshuffle that I'm asking about Jungkook in general throughout his life rather than just at present cause... Initially the cards were not giving me much about him in terms of romance at all... They were giving me a lot about independence and freedom and solo growth! Lol

OK so what do I see him being like in general? If we look first at the archetype cards that came through, I'm actually seeing more about what kind of people or energy he's attracted to than about him himself (which again I think says a lot about where he's at right now in the relationship department tbh). Once again (considering my marriage reading on him), it becomes apparent that Jungkook is attracted to mature, maternal feminine energy with the Mother card. He likes nurturing energy... He likes to be looked after and, yes, babied a little lol.

The teacher card backs up the aspect of maturity even more. He'll be attracted to someone he can learn from. Intelligence, wisdom, and skill are all very charismatic and attractive to him... And I do think this holds true not just for romance, but I think it's true in general in his life he will always seek to be around people he can learn a lot from so that he himself can grow and mature through association... It's just that he definitely carries this trait into what he finds sexy and attractive in a romantic sense too.

The Artist card not only speaks to the fact that, yes, he's attracted to artists (of all kinds I think) but also that he's also likely to fall in love with a muse... Someone he finds inspirational to his own art. This ties in well with the other two cards. Essentially, he wants someone he respects and admires highly. Someone he looks up to artistically and who inspires him as an artist in turn.

If we look at the tarot, you can see why I think we're looking more towards future Jungkook. The knight of swords reversed paired with the Page of cups speaks to me of a novice when it comes to love. He's still a student and he's neither ready nor willing to rush himself when it comes to love either. For the time being, he's happy to learn slowly... Even if it's sometimes in a more theoretical sense (like from observing or hearing about other people's relationships or even books, dramas and films).

The eight of wands reversed together with the star reversed... Ok so the 'Calling in Your Soulmate' oracle card also came up in this reading and my future marriage reading on Jungkook also dealt with this... This guy believes very strongly that there's someone destined for him in his future (and he's right) and he knows it's going to take some time before they get to meet... Still, the connection between him and his Soulmate is already pretty strong and, like I said in the future marriage reading, I do think he already has dreams about this person and is aware of them energetically. Not saying he'll never date or fall in love before he ends up with his soul mate in the future, but his faith that they're going to come into his life someday is part of why he doesn't (and most likely won't) really have a sense of urgency about dating or finding romance.

The ace of swords reversed and Queen of wands reversed... Jungkook is a shy boy... But we already know lol. Basically, he's highly unlikely to initiate conversation or make the first move if he likes someone. Again, romance is not something he's confident in. He needs someone else to be the queen of wands and make a move on him... It's likely that he's therefore very attracted to that bold, sassy, confident queen of wands energy (to go along with the steady mature motherly vibe he likes) because someone with that energy will take the lead and approach him first. If we look at this Queen of Wands, we see the beautiful empowered queen seeming to lecture or instruct a male servant or student who's listening devotedly... So yeah... Make of that what you will in the context of this reading...

'The Trader: exchange energy to create abundance' card tells me that Jungkook is looking for a powerful but equal partner... I'm seeing this as being relevant to the material side of things especially. He doesn't want to be with someone who needs to rely on his wealth or whose life revolves around him... But someone who brings just as much to the table and has their own life or at least doesn't need him to support them. Again, wants to be equal partners. In this equal partnership, I do think he wants them to essentially provide for each other what the other lacks... So they may bring different things to the table, but they both are 'trading' to get what they need from the relationship equally. A balanced exchange... Note that the Temperance card was at the bottom of the tarot deck! So yeah... Balance and equality is extremely important to Jungkook in relationships.

The Goblin card.... Look at that face! 😂 Yeah... He is a brat and he'll always be a brat! Jungkook will always be someone who likes to have fun, tease and play pranks... He's like that with his friends and he'll be like that when he falls in love too! It's in his nature to tease when he's fond of someone so anyone getting into a relationship with him should know they won't be exempt from being the target of his mischief just cause they're dating! It's all fair game to him... In fact he's definitely especially mischievous and teasing to the ones he's closest to!

All in all... Very Cute!

[justasparkwritings]

Illicit Affairs: Show Their Truth

Previous: A Million Little Times

Pairings: None

Genre: Angst

Ratings: PG17

Word Count: 2.5K

Warnings: Manipulation, Abuse of Power, Swearing, Negotiations and Contracts, Plans for Rehab, Interventions

Summary: The Hyung Line breaks down the reality of BTS’ situation, and the group plans what to do about “the problem with Jungkook”. 

Listen: illicit affairs by Taylor Swift

          The six men shuffled into the dining room, prepared to discuss the new terms for their contract, their next seven-year sentence, one for each circle of hell Bang intended on making them go through.

           “What happens if we win a Grammy, or an Oscar?” Namjoon asked the men, Yoongi and Seokjin already having a sense of where this was going.

           “We win!” Jimin said.

           “That would be so cool, Oscar winners, BTS,” Ho-Seok said laughing.

           “No, I mean, contractually, do you know what happens?” Namjoon clarified.

           “Yes, we get the award,” Taehyung said, looking at the other members to see if they were as confused as he was.

           “Right, as a band, but Big Hit’s names are what will be on it, they’ll each get their own statue, and we won’t have anything, technically,” Namjoon stated, punctuating each word.

           “Technically?” Hoseok asked.

           “The people named on the physical award are the group, but the only people who get credit are the writers and producers… Hypothetically, I’ll have credit, or Yoongi and I will, but the rest of you wouldn’t,” Namjoon tried to lay it out in the clearest terms possible.

           “We wouldn’t?” Jimin asked.

           “Take Map of the Soul 7, if we had won a Grammy for it, none of us would’ve seen it,” Namjoon clarified.

           “Why not?” Taehyung asked indignantly.

           “We didn’t write or produce it, depending on the category we won in, we would never see it.” Yoongi chimed in.

           “But we did the work!” Jimin yelled.

           “That’s why The 1975 is credited on everything as a collective group, so that if they win anything, they all get the rewards… In our contract it states that we don’t own anything, and we don’t produce enough to get credit on anything, so we would see nothing unless we produced it, like we did with BE, but we didn’t win anything for BE.” Namjoon tried to gage their reactions, utter shock and anger dominating the room.              

           “Who owns our music?” Ho-Seok asked.

           “Bang and Big Hit outright own everything we’ve ever made, solo work or group,” Seokjin said.  

           “What?” Jimin yelled.

           “It specifically states that they do in our contracts,” Yoongi said.

           “So, Bang owns it?” Ho-Seok repeated.

           “My assumption is Big Hit, Bang, and their shareholders,” Namjoon nodded.

           “What does that mean?” Taehyung asked.

           “It means that if we break up, they can continue to earn revenue from our music, put out compilations, remix or remaster, let artists sample it, without our permission or consent.” Yoongi explained.

           “What?” Jimin yelled again.

           “Aye, stop yelling,” Yoongi snipped.

           “We get nothing?” Taehyung repeated.  

           “What does our contract say?” Jimin turned to Namjoon, eyes wide.

           “We’re fucked,” Yoongi said.

           “Part of what is in our new contracts is a clause that everything we create belongs to Big Hit, in perpetuity,” Namjoon said slowly.

           “In what?” Jimin had never heard the phrase.

           “Forever,” Yoongi said.

           “What?” Jimin couldn’t keep it in. He was livid. “They own everything?”

           “Yes, that’s the first problem,” Seokjin said.

           “The first?” Taehyung said, still in shock.

           “They’ve put in a new clause about who we can’t date,” Yoongi said, trying to take the pressure off of Namjoon.

           “Oh?” Jimin asked, “Another rule about our nonexistent love lives?”

           “It says that you can’t date anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, any fraternizing is strictly prohibited,” Seokjin said. The six of them exchanged glances, the spoken and unspoken resting between them.

           “I thought after you and Y/N had made it, they were going to give us a try?” Taehyung asked.

           “I don’t know,” Namjoon said defensively.

           “What else?” Jimin asked.

           “If a scandal breaks, we’re responsible for paying to have it scrubbed from the media,”

           “That seems fair,” Taehyung shrugged.

           “The percentage of what we write and produce in order to gain credit has gone up,”

           “And so has the amount of V Live time we do,”

           “Ah, that comes with a cash incentive,” Jin said smiling, a poor attempt at lightening the mood. No one laughed.

           “We spoke to independent lawyers, and unfortunately, the contract is pretty airtight. They said we can counter with a few minor changes, offer a few different solutions, but other than that, if we sign it, we’re stuck.” Namjoon informed them.  

           “Is there an option to not sign it?” Taehyung asked.

           “Yes, but we can’t make music until after each of us has served,” Namjoon said. It was a condition buried deep within their contract, one that he’d never thought much of, never realizing that he’d eventually want to get out of Big Hit’s suffocating embrace.

           “So, we sign it, or we find other careers for the next decade?” Ho-Seok probed.

           “Yes,” Seokjin, Yoongi and Namjoon replied, glancing at each other at the rare moment of harmony.

           “The other issue we need to discuss, is Jungkook,” Seokjin said, willingly changing the subject.

           “Ah, the problem with Jungkook, rearing its ugly head once again,” Yoongi said bitterly.  

“I don’t know what to do,” Jimin said.

           “He’s in his own head,” Taehyung said, “I don’t know how to reach him.”

           “Why isn’t he here?” Ho-Seok asked.

           “I don’t know,” Yoongi whispered.

           “What does Bang say we do?” Ho-Seok queried.

           “Well, that’s part of the problem,” Yoongi muttered.

           “He wants me, the Hyung Line and me, to fix it,” Namjoon offered.

           The Maknae Line was known for often being confused, for obeying their hyungs and frequently being lost in the shuffle. Their discernable qualities were often boiled down to superficial labels, ignoring their raw talent and honed gifts. Together they were a strong unit of lovable goofballs, with sex appeal in spades. But Jimin’s confusion fed Taehyung’s, which made Ho-Seok question himself, and encouraged Jungkook to go with the flow instead of employing his own thought process. Together, they bickered and loved harder than anyone could imagine. They were a unit, dysfunctional, but they were the most integral parts of BTS.

          Being a unit meant that Taehyung and Jimin spent the most time with Jungkook and had seen his drinking up close. It had been a slow progression, his excitement about turning the legal age in Korea, coupled with being of age in the states and essentially, the entire world, manifested in a habit he couldn’t kick. How could he? He was now free to have a beer with his hyungs after a show or at dinner, and he loved it. He loved being able to experience this with them, to share when they went out, to kick back at home. Jungkook developed his own tastes, what type of red wine he liked, what kind of hard liquor he wanted to nurse, if he liked it on the rocks or not… He could pass it off as trying to understand alcohol and all its complexities, a mixologist in the making, a connoisseur of spirits.

           The six members couldn’t pinpoint exactly when his drinking started becoming a problem, their best guess was sometime after turning 22. It was then that they began to see the shift from Jungkook the baby, to Jungkook the man. He started drinking more, more frequently, larger quantities, different hours of the day … Everything in abundance.

           The consummate professional, he never let it interfere with work, and would sweat out the hangover at the gym before throwing down in a performance. In the beginning, he was sneakier, hiding it from the members with ease. As he got older, as it got worse, his ability to hide bottles clanging or shots taken from them became more and more challenging. They didn’t know how long the addiction had been raging, which concerned them the longer it went on.

           They knew it was bad when Jungkook started lying to them and sneaking around in public. No longer open and brazen with his penchant for well-aged liquors, opting instead for whatever he could pay with in cash, in a dive bar outside the city. He didn’t savor and sip, he chugged and got wasted. There were moments when they saw the old Jungkook, the one just starting out, savoring every drop knowing it was sacred. It didn’t happen often.

           “Does he need to go to rehab?” Taehyung whispered, asking the question everyone had been too scared to ask.

           “When we go to military service, it’ll be a slow roll out. Jin-hyung and Yoongi-hyung will go first, followed by the 94s, which gives us a little time to figure out what to do… But when we go,” Namjoon motioned to Ho-Seok, “You will be alone, the Maknae Line, until Jin and Yoongi are ready to return, and you will have to handle this.”

           “Send him to rehab,” Yoongi said, face blank.

           “He won’t go,” Jimin said.

           “So, he kills himself? Another K-Pop star slain at their own hand?” Yoongi asked bitterly.

           “Or he leaves the group,” Jin said.

           “He can’t, not if he’s signed his contract,” Jimin said, looking to Namjoon to assure his assumption was correct.

           “Can we force him?” Taehyung asked.

           “No,” Jin replied.

           “Why is he drinking anyway?” Ho-Seok asked. “Is that a dumb question?”

           “I don’t know,” Jin said.

           “And yes, it’s a dumb question,” Yoongi answered.

           “I,” Namjoon sighed. “I’ve been having meetings with management, and they think he wasn’t raised well enough, that his youthful rebellions are not growing pains, but general disdain for the values of Big Hit.”

           “That seems like a far stretch?” Taehyung said.

           “I think he’s angry that he signed his life away, and is looking at a bleak future,” Yoongi said.

           “Youthful rebellions? More than his tattoos?” Ho-Seok asked.

           “Scandals that have been reported but not confirmed,” Namjoon was filling in the blanks, wasn’t that what he’d always been doing?

           “Drinking,” Jimin said.

           “The general lack of enthusiasm for filming anything,” Namjoon added.

           “Don’t you think it’s weird that we’re grown men, playing games for shit we can already buy?” Jimin asked.

           “Y/N asked me that a few weeks ago, and yeah, it’s fucking weird,” Namjoon said.

           “They bribe us so they can film content to keep ARMY engaged,” Yoongi said.

           “Jungkook hates it,” Ho-Seok replied.

           “The fact that anyone hates it more than me is implausible,” Yoongi muttered.

           “All of these things, when looked at under a microscope, paint the picture that Jungkook is,” Namjoon started.

           “Tarnishing the good name of Big Hit?” Jimin filled in.

           “Correct,” Jin said.

           “Who’s supposed to stop him?” Taehyung asked.

           “We are,” Jin said, stepping in for Namjoon. “Namjoonie’s carried the weight of this for a decade, and it’s time we all start pitching in,”

           “Isn’t Jungkook supposed to carry his own load?” Taehyung wondered.

           “How’s he doing with that?” Yoongi snipped.

           “Point taken,” Taehyung bowed his head.

           “What do we do?” Jimin asked, bringing everyone back on track.

           “Intervention?” Jin offered.

           “Drop him off at therapy?” Taehyung posed.

           “He’s only going to get better if he wants to, when he’s hit rock bottom,” Yoongi informed them.

           “Can we nudge him along?” Jimin asked, trying to find the fastest route to a positive change.

           “Purposefully make him think he’s fucked up, scare him into getting sober?” Yoongi questioned.

           “That’s diabolical,” Taehyung said.

           “Would it work?” Yoongi asked.

           “No, we can’t, he already hates-

           “He doesn’t hate you, hyung,” Taehyung said.

           “He blames me, for everything. His loss of innocence, for growing up so fast, his lack of identity and understanding of who he is… That he can’t love anyone, that everyone views him as the sexy one but doesn’t see any other side of him, for how overbearing management is… Every shortcoming is my fault,” Namjoon was trying not to cry, not again. No more tears over Jungkook.

           The Maknae line sat staring.

           “Why isn’t he mad at Bang? It’s more his fault than yours,” Jimin queried.

           “I’m the one he saw every day, who made sure he did his work, I got him to sign,” Namjoon answered.

           “You’re the one that’s secretly been parenting him for a decade,” Jin said. “I was clearly trying to raise him, but you? You did it in secret.”

           “In secret?” Taehyung asked.

           “I was, instructed, taught, guided, on what to do to help raise Jungkook,” Namjoon said.

           “Into what?” Taehyung was still confused.

           “Into a man, into a better musician, into the Golden Maknae,”

           “Were you monitoring his food or exercise?” Jimin asked.

           “No, not really, the trainers did that… I’ve mostly been encouraging good behaviors that would become habits,” Namjoon replied.

           “How come you never addressed the lisp?” Yoongi wondered, always the fan of bringing in random tidbits.

           “There’s not much you can do about the lisp, and it doesn’t come out when he sings.” Ho-Seok answered, looking at Yoongi. “It’s endearing.”

           “Not to stray off topic, but what do we do? Does he know?” Jimin continued to bring them back on track.

          “Know?” Ho-Seok asked.

          “About your clandestine meetings and ‘guidance’ which sounds more like a cult leader and less like a bandmate,” Jimin pressed.

          “He doesn’t, as far as I know, he doesn’t know about any of it,”

          “How’d you do it?” Taehyung asked, voice hushed in the chaos.

          Namjoon inhaled slowly before looking at his chosen family.

          “Little things like taking him to the gym or saying positives about whatever health juice I was drinking, I wanted him to imitate my behaviors, to copy them until it became rote. Until he didn’t know where the idea came from. It got more, elaborate as he got older… leaving articles behind, or quoting something I knew he’d ask about… dropping breadcrumbs for him to pick up.”

          Namjoon was embarrassed, ashamed by the way he’d conducted himself. He didn’t tell them about the times Bang had asked him to put supplements in JK’s water, or to swap out a pair of pants for ones slightly smaller to make the Golden Maknae feel insecure and fat, forcing him to work out relentlessly. He didn’t bring up the phrases he’d repeated, the little words of affirmation that he’d sprinkled into daily conversation, encouraging Jungkook to become obsessive in his habits. Namjoon could never admit to the hell Bang had put him through during Jungkook’s first few years, the drive he’d instilled in Namjoon to push Jungkook to his breaking point. He’d only let up when JK turned 21, when Bang felt like the transformation was complete.

          Namjoon would never admit he blackmailed, dosed, and destroyed little parts of Jungkook so Bang could fill them with who he wanted him to be. Jungkook was right to hate him, the parking lot meetings and notebooks he’d filled with his covert plans, in the wrong hands, would destroy BTS and Big Hit. No one would be safe.

          The men dispersed, some to their apartments, others to the kitchen, and Namjoon to the living room to start a movie. They’d have to talk to Jungkook in the morning. They’d have to write their counter offers for Bang and the Big Hit lawyers. They’d have to try and find a solution so that after a decade of intermittent service, something of their time in BTS remained, and their futures could continue.

Next: Mercurial High

[dailytomlinson]

It’s been a long and turbulent four-year road for Louis Tomlinson. Since his band, One Direction, announced their ‘indefinite hiatus’ in 2016, Tomlinson has struggled to find a professional path that suitably represents him as an artist. As he gears up to finally release his long-awaited debut album Walls this coming January, the singer-songwriter finally feels comfortable in his own skin, finding his own unique Britpop-inspired sound which has been spurred on by the resentment towards a diluting of his vision in a bid to find radio play in the States. Tomlinson, it is safe to say, has finally found his feet and, with a new record label firmly behind him and a renewed energy propelling his every move, the 27-year-old is now a man on a mission with two fingers in the air and a point to prove.

His remarkable story really needs no introduction. Plucked from a crowd of hopefuls auditioning for the X-Factor in 2010, the then 18-year-old singer was placed alongside Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Zayn Malik by Simon Cowell much to the joy of their growing social media fanbase. Just 12 months later their debut album, Up All Night, was released and propelled the group to international fame. In the six fast and furious years as a band One Direction tour relentlessly, released five hit records and became unfathomably rich in the process. For Tomlinson, however, the immediate highs were quickly met by severe lows when it all came suddenly crashing down. The end of the band, the media relentlessly pursuing his private life, personal tragedy and more have followed. Now though, with a renewed vigour and clarity for his future, Tomlinson has picked himself up and is about to carve out his own niche of pop music. I met Tomlinson in a back bar of a central London hotel as I self-consciously began to consider the possibility that I may be underdressed for the occasion. Thankfully though—and much to my relief—he arrived casually dressed in a brown quarter-zip jacket, jeans and Adidas trainers which arrived as a refreshing change in reference to the typical, modern-day pop star. Having travelled down to London from Yorkshire that day, with my editor’s words ringing in my ears, the somewhat opulent surroundings of our meeting lacked the relaxing edge I was hoping for. It must be said that interviews with musicians of international fame can be tricky — especially when they have a new album to sell. With media training, PR managers typically watching over and a sense ill-trust with the media, it will come as little surprise that popstars can be standoffish in interviews. Despite my initial trepidation though, Tomlinson greeted me with immense warmth and immediately offered to get a couple of beers in from the bar—the first sign that our conversation would follow the laid-back pattern I was hoping for. After we’d sat down and had a sip of lager, our Yorkshire accents clashing, my mind turned to his recent performance of his last single ‘We Made It’ on Children In Need. Tomlinson looked in his element, like he’d finally found his feet as a solo artist—something that hasn’t been an easy adjustment for him to make in the last few years. “Yeah, naturally I feel as any fucking solo star finds – the longer you’re in it, the more experienced you get, the more confident you get. I think it took me a second to work out who I am musically, to fully detach from One Direction and stuff but I feel like I’m there now so, naturally, I’m more confident in my songwriting ability, I’m more confident performing, singing and all of that, so it feels good.” Following the split from the band, it did feel from the outside looking in that there was no clear direction where his solo career was going to take him. With collaborations with the likes of Steve Aoki and Bebe Rexha, both of which performed commercially well, there was a creative direction that left more questions than answers. Earlier this year, he took to social media to make a statement to claim that he was turning a page, that he was fed up with writing to a formula in a bid to chase radio play and instead he wanted to make music he loved. That moment was the beginning of the second chapter in his solo career, which he expands on looking while back at that difficult time with more than a pinch of honesty as always, disclosing: “Yeah but I’m not going to lie, it’s still something that I’m fighting up against if I’m being honest. I mean, because there’s constant opinion around me and you know a lot of people do want to focus towards radio—which I do understand—but what bugs me is just how much it limited me — especially because what I grew up listening to on pop radio is very different to what’s on pop radio now and because I couldn’t see a place for myself. I thought that it wasn’t not going to be authentic because I’m going to be trying to sound like what’s on the radio. Today, in 2019 more than ever, people can spot bullshit. So yeah, I think since that moment I’ve always been conscious of that and as I say it is a constant battle, but I think I’m winning at the moment.” The state of mainstream radio is something that Tomlinson is passionate about. As an artist who aims to make songs that are accessible to the masses without compromising integrity at the same time, Louis appears to be well versed on the shift in the popular musical landscape: “If I’m being honest, I didn’t actively search for stuff because it was on pop radio,” he said while discussing the change in approach to consuming music. “Especially a band like Catfish and The Bottlemen,” he adds after a moment of contemplation. “When I was growing up they would definitely, definitely, be on every radio and I think those bands are very important and now I have to actively search for them or listen to the right station.” He continues, “Also, I think it took me a second to come out and say what my influences are because I know what people expect from someone who has been in a boyband and stuff like that.” With this lightbulb moment, Tomlinson wanted to detail more about the inner workings of his creative process, how collaborating with like-minding musicians helped free his thought process. “Once I’d had this epiphany and put this message on social media, at that point I’d done four songs that are still on the album. I think ‘Kill My Mind’ was actually a turning point, I wrote it with a guy called Jamie Hartman and the next session we had together we wrote ‘Walls’ which is the title track for the album and is going to be my next single. I think from that moment it unlocked something and we got some momentum so then the second half of the album was written relatively quickly but I think as I say it being transitional I’d have loved 10 ‘Kill My Mind’s’ but maybe the next record.” ‘Kill My Mind’ looks and sounds like the first step towards the definitive direction that the Yorkshireman is aiming for. It has a punchy Hot Fuss era Killers’ chorus and is more reminiscent of the type of music that Tomlinson himself loves. “That’s probably the proudest I’ve been of a song because that is genuinely a song that I fucking love listening to and that’s not necessarily always the case when you’re playing for radio all the time. It didn’t get the attention that I think it quite deserved but that’s the way it is.” The shift towards the guitar-led music, which bucks the trend with current chart-toppers, is the path that the 27-year-old is determined to follow. A recent writing session with Australian indie giants DMA’s had popped up in our conversation and the beaming smile across Tomlinson’s face said it all: “I’ve hung out with those boys (DMA’s) actually, one night because we were in the same studio and I’ve written together with [them] before,” he said before clarifying that the drinks were flowing which resulted in an unfinished recording. When probed on whether this is something he’d like to re-visit at a later date, Tomlinson expanded with an eye firmly on the future: “The DMA’s session was a bit of an experiment, to be honest, when I look at my solo career I’m looking at it as a five, six or seven-year plan. I realise this from doing the DMA’s one, I would fucking love to do an album full of them but it’s a transition you know what I mean, I’ve got to understand the fan base and what they want. I don’t want anything to be so drastic so in my eyes, it’s a two, three even four-album progression before I get there and I also think to write those kinds of songs that I love I need to have more experience as a songwriter as well.” For someone who has had such rich successes in their career to date, the singer-songwriter does seem to have struggled with his self-confidence since going solo—but this year seems to have changed that. One song that stands out is ‘Two of Us’, a track which was released earlier this year is a tribute to his late Mother who tragically passed in 2017. Tomlinson’s life was then struck by more devastation following his sister’s sudden death in March this year. ‘Two of Us’ clearly carries a heavy weight of emotion. Created from the inner workings of Tomlinson’s grief, the song is by a distance the most personal release in his entire career to date. Despite that, the track manages to find the universal within the personal as it’s lyrics resonate for anyone who has ever lost anybody close to them—myself included. While our conversation remained on this topic I was keen to know whether these heart-breaking events had impacted his professional epiphany, whether the personal grief had allowed him to stop worrying about the chart and instead focusing more on enjoying the ride: “When I wrote ‘Two Of Us’ that was something I never really had with music before where I like to think every lyric has meant something. There was a different emotional weight with that song and just hearing people’s stories about what it meant to them and how they related to it, that was amazing for me.” “If I’m being honest what made me have my epiphany was me spitting my fucking dummy out because I was sick of being put in writing sessions which I couldn’t relate to, or people trying to pull me in a certain way to work on American radio. I could probably have commercial success like that, but I’ve got the luxury of having had that already with One Direction and I thought ‘what does success mean to me?’ I just thought I’ve got to follow my fucking heart and if I can win like that it’s like a double win you know what I mean.” One Direction’s immediate success was unprecedented for a British boyband. Together they conquered the world with their debut Up All Night going straight to number one in the States and shifting more than 4.5million copies globally. Just one to this moment, Tomlinson was an 18-year-old living for the weekend in Doncaster—but he was determined not to let his newfound fame change him: “Yeah I was always pretty resistant to it [fame] to be honest, I always say that when I got famous, when I first got put in band, that I was having the best year of my life. So, it was a lot to deal with to leave my favourite year behind and to be doing something else where you’re working really hard. The personal and professional problems that have occurred in recent years appears to have given Tomlinson a remarkable sense of life experience. Despite still being so young, despite having lived a whirlwind life, he still has the ability to self reflect on with a grounded honesty. “Being from Donny you don’t expect to get that kind of opportunity and I then got put into the band and then had to deal with everything on the job. Honestly, it was a fucking incredible time in my life that shaped me as an artist and shaped me as a person, I saw some amazing things but it is also nice now to have a little bit more free time because we were so fucking busy and also you know stand on my own two feet and say this is who I am.” “As far as what’s on my checklist of a credible artist you know they have to write their own tunes, that was always important to me and I did a lot of writing in the band which I think gave me the incredible experience to write now. It was like a crash course, there were so many sessions and I think it’s put me in good stead, but I feel like I’m always getting better as a writer man I feel like with every song I learn a little bit more.” Although, it’s clear from speaking with Tomlinson that he looks back on those years he spent with the band with all the fondness in the world. Yet the media attention that came with all the success was something that got the better of him at times. “That was hard and I’ve often envied artists from an era where smartphones weren’t around. There were definitely some days where it got the better of me. I suppose you’ve got to be selective on where you go and I learned the hard way from a few different people that you can’t trust. Some people want something out of you and it took me a second to understand, but again I think that helps me have a thicker skin in the real world outside of my job. There are times when I’ve gone through difficult things in my life and I’ve thought certain people haven’t been amazing but it’s part of it, fuck it.” As our conversation then meandered toward the split of the band and what life was like for Tomlinson after exiting the world of One Direction— which was all that he had known for the entirety of his adult life up until that point. A sense of honest emotion entered his voice, a moment that seemingly suggested that this permanent change was something that was taken from his own control: “It was good to be back doing normal things but I wasn’t ready for the band to go on a break and it came as a shock for me,” Tomlinson exclusively told Far Out Magazine. “It definitely wasn’t my choice but I understand why the decision was made and there’s a good argument for that. I’m enjoying expressing myself now but it rocked me for a time and for a bit and I didn’t know what I was going to do,” he said, vehemently. From the tone in his voice, it is obvious that the subject is still a relatively raw one for Tomlinson who initially struggled to find the right sound for him following the split of the band—a factor stemmed from his initial reluctance to move solo. From the gravitas of the moment to the importance of his first steps back into music, it was clear that Tomlinson wasn’t ready to be going out on his own so soon after the band’s breakup—a learning curve which other members of the group seemed to overcome in different ways. The break was initially thought to be just that ‘a break’, but nearly four years after the announcement there are still no signs that the group is entertaining ideas of reuniting anytime soon. With Louis Tomlinson set to release his debut album in January, Liam Payne’s debut LP1 out next month, Harry Styles’ second offering, Fine Line, being made available on December 13th and Niall Horan working on the follow-up to his 2017 Flicker, the One Direction members are firmly in solo mode. Tomlinson acknowledges that during the final One Direction tour he began to accept that the break was inevitable, admitting: “It had kind of been brewing and we knew the conversation might be coming around but it was just one of those things. It was always going to happen, we were always going to take a break, but I think there are always people who are going to take things better than others.” Looking on the bright side, however, since the break he has been allowed to live a bit more of a quieter life. From speaking with Tomlinson I get the sense that he’s in this because he loves the music, appreciates the love he gets from fans and loves playing live. However, the celebrity lifestyle that comes with it isn’t why he’s in this game. “I think I can definitely have a bit more of a balance now, there are obviously times when I’m releasing songs or releasing album when it’s really ramped up and It’s hard but definitely easier in those off times to have the balance because otherwise when you’re so busy it’s impossible to literally fit everybody into your life. It’s definitely nicer having more time to do normal fucking things,” he adds with an almost sigh of relief. Tomlinson’s solo career, which has found its feet with emphatic effect and is currently flying high with a sold-out world tour and highly anticipated debut on the horizon, was something that the singer himself had never initially envisioned. With Tomlinson originally wanting to take a back seat in the music industry following the end of the band, he revealed exclusively to Far Out: “I’m not going to lie it hit me hard but it definitely inspired me to get on with my own solo career because it wasn’t something I was always going to do. I was just going to write songs and just hopefully send them to other people and stuff like that, but everything happens for a reason, so they say anyway.” As the careers of all five members of the band have all taken off, with each turning into different avenues sonically, our conversation then turned to the competitive nature between the band since they went their separate ways. Typically, the avid Doncaster Rovers fan opting to use a hugely specific football analogy to describe the relationship with his former bandmates: “I could be wrong but I think we’ve all got that in us, there’s a competitive side to everyone. I can only speak from personal experience, and as time goes on you understand the differences. It’s not all that relevant but I liken to the feeling at first was that you’ve all been at Barcelona’s youth academy, so we’ll call One Direction ‘Barcelona’ and then we’ve all been put off at different clubs and that takes a second to understand and compute but we’re all still lucky to be able to do it as solo artists.” Having time off to relax over the last few years for the first time since stepping foot for his X-Factor audition all those years ago, Tomlinson seems to have returned with a renewed love for music and everything that comes with it. For a while, it appears the music was falling second in line to all the hysteria that surrounded his fame—a situation that has been duly rectified. Next year will see him return to Doncaster as part of his world tour for a very special homecoming and, with that mention, his face lights up with a grin on his face the size of South Yorkshire: “It’s going to be class, I can’t wait for Donny Dome. I don’t feel like my career has fully started until I do that first tour show, it’s all well and good writing songs, releasing songs, doing all the promo and everything that comes with it but the most important fucking thing is that you put on a good show. I started realising the longer that I’ve been in this that there’s a level of importance in these nights to people, especially the avid fanbase that I’m lucky enough to have. You can see from the reactions and look into people’s eyes and see what certain lyrics meant to them.” What struck me the most from the time I spent with the singer-songwriter was just how grounded he was, seemingly bereft of any level of arrogance and still just that same local lad from Doncaster who began this journey ten years ago. His working-class Yorkshire heritage, he told me, is what has made him the man he is today: “You’ve got to be fucking humble where we’re from you know what I mean? Because otherwise you get called out like ‘who the fuck do you think you are?’”. The greatest takeaway from our conversation is that Louis Tomlinson is still that music enthusiast that entered the music industry in 2010 who, despite all the success and fame, has managed to stay grounded. With surreal highs came earth-shattering lows—all of which has shaped him in one way or another. Instant success is no longer what he seeks with it now being about the long game for him, this change in attitude is a sign of maturity for Tomlinson who no longer losing sleep about pleasing streaming algorithms. Having been sitting at the mountain top of the music industry for almost a decade, it seems it is only now he is really getting started with a long-term plan of where he wants his solo-career to go. With a strong sense of support around him, his future and creative vision is firmly in his own hands. With an abundance of experience behind him and has renewed enthusiasm, Louis Tomlinson is finally ready to find his own direction. Walls is available on 31st January via Sony Music, for tickets to his world tour – visit here for tickets.

[louistomlinsoncouk]

Louis Tomlinson, a new direction

It’s been a long and turbulent four-year road for Louis Tomlinson. Since his band, One Direction, announced their ‘indefinite hiatus’ in 2016, Tomlinson has struggled to find a professional path that suitably represents him as an artist. As he gears up to finally release his long-awaited debut album Walls this coming January, the singer-songwriter finally feels comfortable in his own skin, finding his own unique Britpop-inspired sound which has been spurred on by the resentment towards a diluting of his vision in a bid to find radio play in the States.

Tomlinson, it is safe to say, has finally found his feet and, with a new record label firmly behind him and a renewed energy propelling his every move, the 27-year-old is now a man on a mission with two fingers in the air and a point to prove.

His remarkable story really needs no introduction. Plucked from a crowd of hopefuls auditioning for the X-Factor in 2010, the then 18-year-old singer was placed alongside Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Zayn Malik by Simon Cowell much to the joy of their growing social media fanbase. Just 12 months later their debut album, Up All Night, was released and propelled the group to international fame. In the six fast and furious years as a band One Direction tour relentlessly, released five hit records and became unfathomably rich in the process.

For Tomlinson, however, the immediate highs were quickly met by severe lows when it all came suddenly crashing down. The end of the band, the media relentlessly pursuing his private life, personal tragedy and more have followed. Now though, with a renewed vigour and clarity for his future, Tomlinson has picked himself up and is about to carve out his own niche of pop music.

I met Tomlinson in a back bar of a central London hotel as I self-consciously began to consider the possibility that I may be underdressed for the occasion. Thankfully though—and much to my relief—he arrived casually dressed in a brown quarter-zip jacket, jeans and Adidas trainers which arrived as a refreshing change in reference to the typical, modern-day pop star. Having travelled down to London from Yorkshire that day, with my editor’s words ringing in my ears, the somewhat opulent surroundings of our meeting lacked the relaxing edge I was hoping for.

It must be said that interviews with musicians of international fame can be tricky — especially when they have a new album to sell. With media training, PR managers typically watching over and a sense ill-trust with the media, it will come as little surprise that popstars can be standoffish in interviews. Despite my initial trepidation though, Tomlinson greeted me with immense warmth and immediately offered to get a couple of beers in from the bar—the first sign that our conversation would follow the laid-back pattern I was hoping for.

After we’d sat down and had a sip of lager, our Yorkshire accents clashing, my mind turned to his recent performance of his last single ‘We Made It’ on Children In Need. Tomlinson looked in his element, like he’d finally found his feet as a solo artist—something that hasn’t been an easy adjustment for him to make in the last few years. “Yeah, naturally I feel as any fucking solo star finds – the longer you’re in it, the more experienced you get, the more confident you get. I think it took me a second to work out who I am musically, to fully detach from One Direction and stuff but I feel like I’m there now so, naturally, I’m more confident in my songwriting ability, I’m more confident performing, singing and all of that, so it feels good.”

Following the split from the band, it did feel from the outside looking in that there was no clear direction where his solo career was going to take him. With collaborations with the likes of Steve Aoki and Bebe Rexha, both of which performed commercially well, there was a creative direction that left more questions than answers. Earlier this year, he took to social media to make a statement to claim that he was turning a page, that he was fed up with writing to a formula in a bid to chase radio play and instead he wanted to make music he loved.

That moment was the beginning of the second chapter in his solo career, which he expands on looking while back at that difficult time with more than a pinch of honesty as always, disclosing: “Yeah but I’m not going to lie, it’s still something that I’m fighting up against if I’m being honest. I mean, because there’s constant opinion around me and you know a lot of people do want to focus towards radio—which I do understand—but what bugs me is just how much it limited me — especially because what I grew up listening to on pop radio is very different to what’s on pop radio now and because I couldn’t see a place for myself. I thought that it wasn’t not going to be authentic because I’m going to be trying to sound like what’s on the radio. Today, in 2019 more than ever, people can spot bullshit. So yeah, I think since that moment I’ve always been conscious of that and as I say it is a constant battle, but I think I’m winning at the moment.”

The state of mainstream radio is something that Tomlinson is passionate about. As an artist who aims to make songs that are accessible to the masses without compromising integrity at the same time, Louis appears to be well versed on the shift in the popular musical landscape: “If I’m being honest, I didn’t actively search for stuff because it was on pop radio,” he said while discussing the change in approach to consuming music. “Especially a band like Catfish and The Bottlemen,” he adds after a moment of contemplation. “When I was growing up they would definitely, definitely, be on every radio and I think those bands are very important and now I have to actively search for them or listen to the right station.” He continues, “Also, I think it took me a second to come out and say what my influences are because I know what people expect from someone who has been in a boyband and stuff like that.”

With this lightbulb moment, Tomlinson wanted to detail more about the inner workings of his creative process, how collaborating with like-minding musicians helped free his thought process. “Once I’d had this epiphany and put this message on social media, at that point I’d done four songs that are still on the album. I think ‘Kill My Mind’ was actually a turning point, I wrote it with a guy called Jamie Hartman and the next session we had together we wrote ‘Walls’ which is the title track for the album and is going to be my next single. I think from that moment it unlocked something and we got some momentum so then the second half of the album was written relatively quickly but I think as I say it being transitional I’d have loved 10 ‘Kill My Mind’s’ but maybe the next record.”

‘Kill My Mind’ looks and sounds like the first step towards the definitive direction that the Yorkshireman is aiming for. It has a punchy Hot Fuss era Killers’ chorus and is more reminiscent of the type of music that Tomlinson himself loves. “That’s probably the proudest I’ve been of a song because that is genuinely a song that I fucking love listening to and that’s not necessarily always the case when you’re playing for radio all the time. It didn’t get the attention that I think it quite deserved but that’s the way it is.”

The shift towards the guitar-led music, which bucks the trend with current chart-toppers, is the path that the 27-year-old is determined to follow. A recent writing session with Australian indie giants DMA’s had popped up in our conversation and the beaming smile across Tomlinson’s face said it all: “I’ve hung out with those boys (DMA’s) actually, one night because we were in the same studio and I’ve written together with [them] before,” he said before clarifying that the drinks were flowing which resulted in an unfinished recording. When probed on whether this is something he’d like to re-visit at a later date, Tomlinson expanded with an eye firmly on the future: “The DMA’s session was a bit of an experiment, to be honest, when I look at my solo career I’m looking at it as a five, six or seven-year plan. I realise this from doing the DMA’s one, I would fucking love to do an album full of them but it’s a transition you know what I mean, I’ve got to understand the fan base and what they want. I don’t want anything to be so drastic so in my eyes, it’s a two, three even four-album progression before I get there and I also think to write those kinds of songs that I love I need to have more experience as a songwriter as well.”

For someone who has had such rich successes in their career to date, the singer-songwriter does seem to have struggled with his self-confidence since going solo—but this year seems to have changed that. One song that stands out is ‘Two of Us’, a track which was released earlier this year is a tribute to his late Mother who tragically passed in 2017. Tomlinson’s life was then struck by more devastation following his sister’s sudden death in March this year.

‘Two of Us’ clearly carries a heavy weight of emotion. Created from the inner workings of Tomlinson’s grief, the song is by a distance the most personal release in his entire career to date. Despite that, the track manages to find the universal within the personal as it’s lyrics resonate for anyone who has ever lost anybody close to them—myself included. While our conversation remained on this topic I was keen to know whether these heart-breaking events had impacted his professional epiphany, whether the personal grief had allowed him to stop worrying about the chart and instead focusing more on enjoying the ride: “When I wrote ‘Two Of Us’ that was something I never really had with music before where I like to think every lyric has meant something. There was a different emotional weight with that song and just hearing people’s stories about what it meant to them and how they related to it, that was amazing for me.”

“If I’m being honest what made me have my epiphany was me spitting my fucking dummy out because I was sick of being put in writing sessions which I couldn’t relate to, or people trying to pull me in a certain way to work on American radio. I could probably have commercial success like that, but I’ve got the luxury of having had that already with One Direction and I thought ‘what does success mean to me?’ I just thought I’ve got to follow my fucking heart and if I can win like that it’s like a double win you know what I mean.”

One Direction’s immediate success was unprecedented for a British boyband. Together they conquered the world with their debut Up All Night going straight to number one in the States and shifting more than 4.5million copies globally. Just one to this moment, Tomlinson was an 18-year-old living for the weekend in Doncaster—but he was determined not to let his newfound fame change him: “Yeah I was always pretty resistant to it [fame] to be honest, I always say that when I got famous, when I first got put in band, that I was having the best year of my life. So, it was a lot to deal with to leave my favourite year behind and to be doing something else where you’re working really hard.

The personal and professional problems that have occurred in recent years appears to have given Tomlinson a remarkable sense of life experience. Despite still being so young, despite having lived a whirlwind life, he still has the ability to self reflect on with a grounded honesty. “Being from Donny you don’t expect to get that kind of opportunity and I then got put into the band and then had to deal with everything on the job. Honestly, it was a fucking incredible time in my life that shaped me as an artist and shaped me as a person, I saw some amazing things but it is also nice now to have a little bit more free time because we were so fucking busy and also you know stand on my own two feet and say this is who I am.”

“As far as what’s on my checklist of a credible artist you know they have to write their own tunes, that was always important to me and I did a lot of writing in the band which I think gave me the incredible experience to write now. It was like a crash course, there were so many sessions and I think it’s put me in good stead, but I feel like I’m always getting better as a writer man I feel like with every song I learn a little bit more.”

Although, it’s clear from speaking with Tomlinson that he looks back on those years he spent with the band with all the fondness in the world. Yet the media attention that came with all the success was something that got the better of him at times. “That was hard and I’ve often envied artists from an era where smartphones weren’t around. There were definitely some days where it got the better of me. I suppose you’ve got to be selective on where you go and I learned the hard way from a few different people that you can’t trust. Some people want something out of you and it took me a second to understand, but again I think that helps me have a thicker skin in the real world outside of my job. There are times when I’ve gone through difficult things in my life and I’ve thought certain people haven’t been amazing but it’s part of it, fuck it.”

As our conversation then meandered toward the split of the band and what life was like for Tomlinson after exiting the world of One Direction— which was all that he had known for the entirety of his adult life up until that point. A sense of honest emotion entered his voice, a moment that seemingly suggested that this permanent change was something that was taken from his own control: “It was good to be back doing normal things but I wasn’t ready for the band to go on a break and it came as a shock for me,” Tomlinson exclusively told Far Out Magazine. “It definitely wasn’t my choice but I understand why the decision was made and there’s a good argument for that. I’m enjoying expressing myself now but it rocked me for a time and for a bit and I didn’t know what I was going to do,” he said, vehemently.

From the tone in his voice, it is obvious that the subject is still a relatively raw one for Tomlinson who initially struggled to find the right sound for him following the split of the band—a factor stemmed from his initial reluctance to move solo. From the gravitas of the moment to the importance of his first steps back into music, it was clear that Tomlinson wasn’t ready to be going out on his own so soon after the band’s breakup—a learning curve which other members of the group seemed to overcome in different ways.

The break was initially thought to be just that ‘a break’, but nearly four years after the announcement there are still no signs that the group is entertaining ideas of reuniting anytime soon. With Louis Tomlinson set to release his debut album in January, Liam Payne’s debut LP1 out next month, Harry Styles’ second offering, Fine Line, being made available on December 13th and Niall Horan working on the follow-up to his 2017 Flicker, the One Direction members are firmly in solo mode.

Tomlinson acknowledges that during the final One Direction tour he began to accept that the break was inevitable, admitting: “It had kind of been brewing and we knew the conversation might be coming around but it was just one of those things. It was always going to happen, we were always going to take a break, but I think there are always people who are going to take things better than others.”

Looking on the bright side, however, since the break he has been allowed to live a bit more of a quieter life. From speaking with Tomlinson I get the sense that he’s in this because he loves the music, appreciates the love he gets from fans and loves playing live. However, the celebrity lifestyle that comes with it isn’t why he’s in this game. “I think I can definitely have a bit more of a balance now, there are obviously times when I’m releasing songs or releasing album when it’s really ramped up [...] It’s hard but definitely easier in those off times to have the balance because otherwise when you’re so busy it’s impossible to literally fit everybody into your life. It’s definitely nicer having more time to do normal fucking things,” he adds with an almost sigh of relief.

Tomlinson’s solo career, which has found its feet with emphatic effect and is currently flying high with a sold-out world tour and highly anticipated debut on the horizon, was something that the singer himself had never initially envisioned. With Tomlinson originally wanting to take a back seat in the music industry following the end of the band, he revealed exclusively to Far Out: “I’m not going to lie it hit me hard but it definitely inspired me to get on with my own solo career because it wasn’t something I was always going to do. I was just going to write songs and just hopefully send them to other people and stuff like that, but everything happens for a reason, so they say anyway.”

As the careers of all five members of the band have all taken off, with each turning into different avenues sonically, our conversation then turned to the competitive nature between the band since they went their separate ways. Typically, the avid Doncaster Rovers fan opting to use a hugely specific football analogy to describe the relationship with his former bandmates: “I could be wrong but I think we’ve all got that in us, there’s a competitive side to everyone. I can only speak from personal experience, and as time goes on you understand the differences. It’s not all that relevant but I liken to the feeling at first was that you’ve all been at Barcelona’s youth academy, so we’ll call One Direction ‘Barcelona’ and then we’ve all been put off at different clubs and that takes a second to understand and compute but we’re all still lucky to be able to do it as solo artists.”

Having time off to relax over the last few years for the first time since stepping foot for his X-Factor audition all those years ago, Tomlinson seems to have returned with a renewed love for music and everything that comes with it. For a while, it appears the music was falling second in line to all the hysteria that surrounded his fame—a situation that has been duly rectified.

Next year will see him return to Doncaster as part of his world tour for a very special homecoming and, with that mention, his face lights up with a grin on his face the size of South Yorkshire: “It’s going to be class, I can’t wait for Donny Dome. I don’t feel like my career has fully started until I do that first tour show, it’s all well and good writing songs, releasing songs, doing all the promo and everything that comes with it but the most important fucking thing is that you put on a good show. I started realising the longer that I’ve been in this that there’s a level of importance in these nights to people, especially the avid fanbase that I’m lucky enough to have. You can see from the reactions and look into people’s eyes and see what certain lyrics meant to them.”

What struck me the most from the time I spent with the singer-songwriter was just how grounded he was, seemingly bereft of any level of arrogance and still just that same local lad from Doncaster who began this journey ten years ago. His working-class Yorkshire heritage, he told me, is what has made him the man he is today: “You’ve got to be fucking humble where we’re from you know what I mean? Because otherwise you get called out like ‘who the fuck do you think you are?’”.

The greatest takeaway from our conversation is that Louis Tomlinson is still that music enthusiast that entered the music industry in 2010 who, despite all the success and fame, has managed to stay grounded. With surreal highs came earth-shattering lows—all of which has shaped him in one way or another. Instant success is no longer what he seeks with it now being about the long game for him, this change in attitude is a sign of maturity for Tomlinson who no longer losing sleep about pleasing streaming algorithms.

Having been sitting at the mountain top of the music industry for almost a decade, it seems it is only now he is really getting started with a long-term plan of where he wants his solo-career to go. With a strong sense of support around him, his future and creative vision is firmly in his own hands. With an abundance of experience behind him and has renewed enthusiasm, Louis Tomlinson is finally ready to find his own direction.

Walls is available on 31st January via Sony Music, for tickets to his world tour – visit here for tickets.

[imbianl]

Truth behind Us aka Walls:

We all know that Walls wasn’t the original name for the album, actually it was “Us” so here I’m gonna explain a bit of what I think it’s the behind of scenes. So moving from the introduction I’ll start with this...

SABOTAGE?! Why? And how? I’m gonna make a little timeline to help you understand what happened in October and why it’s considered the month where everything changed.

First, to introduce you to this I’m gonna talk about September. On the 5th, KMM LV came out, being Louis's first single in two years, and following up its MV was dropped on 13th, a day before Louis's show on Madrid, opening a mini series of 3 videos telling an story. When Louis performed there he sang all new songs that were supposed to be on LT1 such as: Too Young, Habit, Defenceless and DLIBYH but we never heard WMI. So if he was introducing the songs on LT1, why don’t sing WMI instead of any other song? Well, personally I believe that WMI wasn’t a song written for LT1 but for LT2 so then why was the second song released as single? And here it’s where I start talking about October.

In October we were supposed to get 'Us' Louis’s solo debut album and it was going to drop unannounced on 23th, so what happened then and why we didn’t get the album when it was supposed to? The answer it’s pretty clear to me. We know the written interview are done by management, sometimes you can get a 10% said by the artist but the articles are always designed by their managers because it’s what the general public reads and the easier way to sell a narrative. Why am I remarking this when it seems obvious? Because in early October, an article by an Australian magazine came out and they said that the album’s name was walls, which was a mistake, walls was supposed to be the second single that follow Louis’s series. And you could think it was just a one time mistake but after that no one clarify or make sure to let us know that it was a mistake. Announcing an album's name just like that, in an article, doesn’t help to reach out for more people, to get more new public and to get the reception that you would wish for a debut album.

So from that moment on, the one in which Louis’s team screwed that article, things changed. The album was delayed and now instead of coming out on October 2019, it’s doing it in January 2020. The album won’t follow an order anymore and the timeline/story he wanted to tell it was ruined by the sabotage. Some songs of LT1 were written for LT2 and vice versa. Louis’s plan had to be thrown at the bin and Syco got away with their plan: making Louis stay at Syco longer and somewhat shutting Louis down because they’re afraid of the power he has and the things he can do.

Let’s continue to November; DLIBYH was supposed to come out on Nov 22nd according to several guesses accounts but short before that could happen performance of Louis in TXF was announced and also we got a video in which he looks sad and tired. If you look for the reason to this I’m gonna give you a hint, his label. He has been fighting for his freedom and to stop them from keep pushing him. Things that he wanted to do but the label didn’t want them to happen. Also Louis wasn’t supposed to be related to TXF after 2018, why? Because he did a deal with Simon, in exchange for something that Louis wished he had to be on the show with Simon for a year but that was all. Even if the official contract hadn’t finished, their off-book agreement payed off for the debts. And this leaves to see something crystal clear: Simon Cowell it’s not man to trust and he doesn’t keep with his part of the deal, so officially as the contract wasn’t finished he pushed more and made Louis perform at the show, and probably he blackmailed Louis or threatened him.

Moving on to January, Walls was released 2 weeks before the album release and suddenly Syco remembered that Louis was a client of theirs and promoted Walls three times. They were and are desperate, they’ll waste till their last resources with the goal of keeping Louis with them. Louis was as solo artist with Syco since 2016, but they remembered that Louis existed 2 weeks before the album came out like if that meant something for a sec.

Now what’s most important about this is that Louis’s contract is coming to an end in the next few days so Syco it’s having released so many articles as they can because they desperate, they know that they have to end the stunts and the clock it’s ticking, they ran out of time and there’s nothing they can do to reverse what’s coming. Louis is fighting to win and he has great resources and sources to win. All the messed up things that we had to bear seeing is just a little less than a quarter to what really is happening behind the scenes and we know that after the storm comes the sun shines and a beautiful rainbow it’s formed on the sky.

Once Louis is free I’m pretty sure he’ll stick as an independent artist, just like Billie Eilish, and he’ll start working from there. Later on the future he’ll make some changes to the label, might try to work with other artists, unify with another solo label and create one that could become in an empire.

[hlupdate]

It’s been a long and turbulent four-year road for Louis Tomlinson. Since his band, One Direction, announced their ‘indefinite hiatus’ in 2016, Tomlinson has struggled to find a professional path that suitably represents him as an artist. As he gears up to finally release his long-awaited debut album Walls this coming January, the singer-songwriter finally feels comfortable in his own skin, finding his own unique Britpop-inspired sound which has been spurred on by the resentment towards a diluting of his vision in a bid to find radio play in the States.

Tomlinson, it is safe to say, has finally found his feet and, with a new record label firmly behind him and a renewed energy propelling his every move, the 27-year-old is now a man on a mission with two fingers in the air and a point to prove.

His remarkable story really needs no introduction. Plucked from a crowd of hopefuls auditioning for the X-Factor in 2010, the then 18-year-old singer was placed alongside Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Zayn Malik by Simon Cowell much to the joy of their growing social media fanbase. Just 12 months later their debut album, Up All Night, was released and propelled the group to international fame. In the six fast and furious years as a band One Direction tour relentlessly, released four hit records and became unfathomably rich in the process.

For Tomlinson, however, the immediate highs were quickly met by severe lows when it all came suddenly crashing down. The end of the band, the media relentlessly pursuing his private life, personal tragedy and more have followed. Now though, with a renewed vigour and clarity for his future, Tomlinson has picked himself up and is about to carve out his own niche of pop music.

I met Tomlinson in a back bar of a central London hotel as I self-consciously began to consider the possibility that I may be underdressed for the occasion. Thankfully though—and much to my relief—he arrived casually dressed in a brown quarter-zip jacket, jeans and Adidas trainers which arrived as a refreshing change in reference to the typical, modern-day pop star. Having travelled down to London from Yorkshire that day, with my editor’s words ringing in my ears, the somewhat opulent surroundings of our meeting lacked the relaxing edge I was hoping for.

It must be said that interviews with musicians of international fame can be tricky — especially when they have a new album to sell. With media training, PR managers typically watching over and a sense ill-trust with the media, it will come as little surprise that popstars can be standoffish in interviews. Despite my initial trepidation though, Tomlinson greeted me with immense warmth and immediately offered to get a couple of beers in from the bar—the first sign that our conversation would follow the laid-back pattern I was hoping for.

After we’d sat down and had a sip of lager, our Yorkshire accents clashing, my mind turned to his recent performance of his last single ‘We Made It’ on Children In Need. Tomlinson looked in his element, like he’d finally found his feet as a solo artist—something that hasn’t been an easy adjustment for him to make in the last few years. “Yeah, naturally I feel as any fucking solo star finds – the longer you’re in it, the more experienced you get, the more confident you get. I think it took me a second to work out who I am musically, to fully detach from One Direction and stuff but I feel like I’m there now so, naturally, I’m more confident in my songwriting ability, I’m more confident performing, singing and all of that, so it feels good.”

Following the split from the band, it did feel from the outside looking in that there was no clear direction where his solo career was going to take him. With collaborations with the likes of Steve Aoki and Bebe Rexha, both of which performed commercially well, there was a creative direction that left more questions than answers. Earlier this year, he took to social media to make a statement to claim that he was turning a page, that he was fed up with writing to a formula in a bid to chase radio play and instead he wanted to make music he loved.

That moment was the beginning of the second chapter in his solo career, which he expands on looking while back at that difficult time with more than a pinch of honesty as always, disclosing: “Yeah but I’m not going to lie, it’s still something that I’m fighting up against if I’m being honest. I mean, because there’s constant opinion around me and you know a lot of people do want to focus towards radio—which I do understand—but what bugs me is just how much it limited me — especially because what I grew up listening to on pop radio is very different to what’s on pop radio now and because I couldn’t see a place for myself. I thought that it wasn’t not going to be authentic because I’m going to be trying to sound like what’s on the radio. Today, in 2019 more than ever, people can spot bullshit. So yeah, I think since that moment I’ve always been conscious of that and as I say it is a constant battle, but I think I’m winning at the moment.”

The state of mainstream radio is something that Tomlinson is passionate about. As an artist who aims to make songs that are accessible to the masses without compromising integrity at the same time, Louis appears to be well versed on the shift in the popular musical landscape: “If I’m being honest, I didn’t actively search for stuff because it was on pop radio,” he said while discussing the change in approach to consuming music. “Especially a band like Catfish and The Bottlemen,” he adds after a moment of contemplation. “When I was growing up they would definitely, definitely, be on every radio and I think those bands are very important and now I have to actively search for them or listen to the right station.” He continues, “Also, I think it took me a second to come out and say what my influences are because I know what people expect from someone who has been in a boyband and stuff like that.”

With this lightbulb moment, Tomlinson wanted to detail more about the inner workings of his creative process, how collaborating with like-minding musicians helped free his thought process. “Once I’d had this epiphany and put this message on social media, at that point I’d done four songs that are still on the album. I think ‘Kill My Mind’ was actually a turning point, I wrote it with a guy called Jamie Hartman and the next session we had together we wrote ‘Walls’ which is the title track for the album and is going to be my next single. I think from that moment it unlocked something and we got some momentum so then the second half of the album was written relatively quickly but I think as I say it being transitional I’d have loved 10 ‘Kill My Mind’s’ but maybe the next record.”

‘Kill My Mind’ looks and sounds like the first step towards the definitive direction that the Yorkshireman is aiming for. It has a punchy Hot Fuss era Killers’ chorus and is more reminiscent of the type of music that Tomlinson himself loves. “That’s probably the proudest I’ve been of a song because that is genuinely a song that I fucking love listening to and that’s not necessarily always the case when you’re playing for radio all the time. It didn’t get the attention that I think it quite deserved but that’s the way it is.”

The shift towards the guitar-led music, which bucks the trend with current chart-toppers, is the path that the 27-year-old is determined to follow. A recent writing session with Australian indie giants DMA’s had popped up in our conversation and the beaming smile across Tomlinson’s face said it all: “I’ve hung out with those boys (DMA’s) actually, one night because we were in the same studio and I’ve written together with [them] before,” he said before clarifying that the drinks were flowing which resulted in an unfinished recording. When probed on whether this is something he’d like to re-visit at a later date, Tomlinson expanded with an eye firmly on the future: “The DMA’s session was a bit of an experiment, to be honest, when I look at my solo career I’m looking at it as a five, six or seven-year plan. I realise this from doing the DMA’s one, I would fucking love to do an album full of them but it’s a transition you know what I mean, I’ve got to understand the fan base and what they want. I don’t want anything to be so drastic so in my eyes, it’s a two, three even four-album progression before I get there and I also think to write those kinds of songs that I love I need to have more experience as a songwriter as well.”

For someone who has had such rich successes in their career to date, the singer-songwriter does seem to have struggled with his self-confidence since going solo—but this year seems to have changed that. One song that stands out is ‘Two of Us’, a track which was released earlier this year is a tribute to his late Mother who tragically passed in 2017. Tomlinson’s life was then struck by more devastation following his sister’s sudden death in March this year.

‘Two of Us’ clearly carries a heavy weight of emotion. Created from the inner workings of Tomlinson’s grief, the song is by a distance the most personal release in his entire career to date. Despite that, the track manages to find the universal within the personal as it’s lyrics resonate for anyone who has ever lost anybody close to them—myself included. While our conversation remained on this topic I was keen to know whether these heart-breaking events had impacted his professional epiphany, whether the personal grief had allowed him to stop worrying about the chart and instead focusing more on enjoying the ride: “When I wrote ‘Two Of Us’ that was something I never really had with music before where I like to think every lyric has meant something. There was a different emotional weight with that song and just hearing people’s stories about what it meant to them and how they related to it, that was amazing for me.”

“If I’m being honest what made me have my epiphany was me spitting my fucking dummy out because I was sick of being put in writing sessions which I couldn’t relate to, or people trying to pull me in a certain way to work on American radio. I could probably have commercial success like that, but I’ve got the luxury of having had that already with One Direction and I thought ‘what does success mean to me?’ I just thought I’ve got to follow my fucking heart and if I can win like that it’s like a double win you know what I mean.”

One Direction’s immediate success was unprecedented for a British boyband. Together they conquered the world with their debut Up All Night going straight to number one in the States and shifting more than 4.5million copies globally. Just one to this moment, Tomlinson was an 18-year-old living for the weekend in Doncaster—but he was determined not to let his newfound fame change him: “Yeah I was always pretty resistant to it [fame] to be honest, I always say that when I got famous, when I first got put in band, that I was having the best year of my life. So, it was a lot to deal with to leave my favourite year behind and to be doing something else where you’re working really hard.

The personal and professional problems that have occurred in recent years appears to have given Tomlinson a remarkable sense of life experience. Despite still being so young, despite having lived a whirlwind life, he still has the ability to self reflect on with a grounded honesty. “Being from Donny you don’t expect to get that kind of opportunity and I then got put into the band and then had to deal with everything on the job. Honestly, it was a fucking incredible time in my life that shaped me as an artist and shaped me as a person, I saw some amazing things but it is also nice now to have a little bit more free time because we were so fucking busy and also you know stand on my own two feet and say this is who I am.”

“As far as what’s on my checklist of a credible artist you know they have to write their own tunes, that was always important to me and I did a lot of writing in the band which I think gave me the incredible experience to write now. It was like a crash course, there were so many sessions and I think it’s put me in good stead, but I feel like I’m always getting better as a writer man I feel like with every song I learn a little bit more.”

Although, it’s clear from speaking with Tomlinson that he looks back on those years he spent with the band with all the fondness in the world. Yet the media attention that came with all the success was something that got the better of him at times. “That was hard and I’ve often envied artists from an era where smartphones weren’t around. There were definitely some days where it got the better of me. I suppose you’ve got to be selective on where you go and I learned the hard way from a few different people that you can’t trust. Some people want something out of you and it took me a second to understand, but again I think that helps me have a thicker skin in the real world outside of my job. There are times when I’ve gone through difficult things in my life and I’ve thought certain people haven’t been amazing but it’s part of it, fuck it.”

As our conversation then meandered toward the split of the band and what life was like for Tomlinson after exiting the world of One Direction— which was all that he had known for the entirety of his adult life up until that point. A sense of honest emotion entered his voice, a moment that seemingly suggested that this permanent change was something that was taken from his own control: “It was good to be back doing normal things but I wasn’t ready for the band to go on a break and it came as a shock for me,” Tomlinson exclusively told Far Out Magazine. “It definitely wasn’t my choice but I understand why the decision was made and there’s a good argument for that. I’m enjoying expressing myself now but it rocked me for a time and for a bit and I didn’t know what I was going to do,” he said, vehemently.

From the tone in his voice, it is obvious that the subject is still a relatively raw one for Tomlinson who initially struggled to find the right sound for him following the split of the band—a factor stemmed from his initial reluctance to move solo. From the gravitas of the moment to the importance of his first steps back into music, it was clear that Tomlinson wasn’t ready to be going out on his own so soon after the band’s breakup—a learning curve which other members of the group seemed to overcome in different ways.

The break was initially thought to be just that ‘a break’, but nearly four years after the announcement there are still no signs that the group is entertaining ideas of reuniting anytime soon. With Louis Tomlinson set to release his debut album in January, Liam Payne’s debut LP1 out next month, Harry Styles’ second offering, Fine Line, being made available on December 13th and Niall Horan working on the follow-up to his 2017 Flicker, the One Direction members are firmly in solo mode.

Tomlinson acknowledges that during the final One Direction tour he began to accept that the break was inevitable, admitting: “It had kind of been brewing and we knew the conversation might be coming around but it was just one of those things. It was always going to happen, we were always going to take a break, but I think there are always people who are going to take things better than others.”

Looking on the bright side, however, since the break he has been allowed to live a bit more of a quieter life. From speaking with Tomlinson I get the sense that he’s in this because he loves the music, appreciates the love he gets from fans and loves playing live. However, the celebrity lifestyle that comes with it isn’t why he’s in this game. “I think I can definitely have a bit more of a balance now, there are obviously times when I’m releasing songs or releasing album when it’s really ramped up and I don’t get to see my boy, Freddie, as much as I’d definitely like to. It’s hard but definitely easier in those off times to have the balance because otherwise when you’re so busy it’s impossible to literally fit everybody into your life. It’s definitely nicer having more time to do normal fucking things,” he adds with an almost sigh of relief.

Tomlinson’s solo career, which has found its feet with emphatic effect and is currently flying high with a sold-out world tour and highly anticipated debut on the horizon, was something that the singer himself had never initially envisioned. With Tomlinson originally wanting to take a back seat in the music industry following the end of the band, he revealed exclusively to Far Out: “I’m not going to lie it hit me hard but it definitely inspired me to get on with my own solo career because it wasn’t something I was always going to do. I was just going to write songs and just hopefully send them to other people and stuff like that, but everything happens for a reason, so they say anyway.”

As the careers of all five members of the band have all taken off, with each turning into different avenues sonically, our conversation then turned to the competitive nature between the band since they went their separate ways. Typically, the avid Doncaster Rovers fan opting to use a hugely specific football analogy to describe the relationship with his former bandmates: “I could be wrong but I think we’ve all got that in us, there’s a competitive side to everyone. I can only speak from personal experience, and as time goes on you understand the differences. It’s not all that relevant but I liken to the feeling at first was that you’ve all been at Barcelona’s youth academy, so we’ll call One Direction ‘Barcelona’ and then we’ve all been put off at different clubs and that takes a second to understand and compute but we’re all still lucky to be able to do it as solo artists.”

Having time off to relax over the last few years for the first time since stepping foot for his X-Factor audition all those years ago, Tomlinson seems to have returned with a renewed love for music and everything that comes with it. For a while, it appears the music was falling second in line to all the hysteria that surrounded his fame—a situation that has been duly rectified.

Next year will see him return to Doncaster as part of his world tour for a very special homecoming and, with that mention, his face lights up with a grin on his face the size of South Yorkshire: “It’s going to be class, I can’t wait for Donny Dome. I don’t feel like my career has fully started until I do that first tour show, it’s all well and good writing songs, releasing songs, doing all the promo and everything that comes with it but the most important fucking thing is that you put on a good show. I started realising the longer that I’ve been in this that there’s a level of importance in these nights to people, especially the avid fanbase that I’m lucky enough to have. You can see from the reactions and look into people’s eyes and see what certain lyrics meant to them.”

What struck me the most from the time I spent with the singer-songwriter was just how grounded he was, seemingly bereft of any level of arrogance and still just that same local lad from Doncaster who began this journey ten years ago. His working-class Yorkshire heritage, he told me, is what has made him the man he is today: “You’ve got to be fucking humble where we’re from you know what I mean? Because otherwise you get called out like ‘who the fuck do you think you are?’”.

The greatest takeaway from our conversation is that Louis Tomlinson is still that music enthusiast that entered the music industry in 2010 who, despite all the success and fame, has managed to stay grounded. With surreal highs came earth-shattering lows—all of which has shaped him in one way or another. Instant success is no longer what he seeks with it now being about the long game for him, this change in attitude is a sign of maturity for Tomlinson who no longer losing sleep about pleasing streaming algorithms.

Having been sitting at the mountain top of the music industry for almost a decade, it seems it is only now he is really getting started with a long-term plan of where he wants his solo-career to go. With a strong sense of support around him, his future and creative vision is firmly in his own hands. With an abundance of experience behind him and has renewed enthusiasm, Louis Tomlinson is finally ready to find his own direction.

[hamfistedmorals]

Rise of Skywalker: Initial Thoughts and Feelings

As a movie, it was engaging. As a Star Wars story, it hooked me. But as a conclusion to this particular trilogy? As a final chapter to the entire saga? Oh boy, was it a hot mess.

BEWARE OF SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

(Disclaimer - I’m one of the 5% of Star Wars fans that loved The Last Jedi, so that might influence my opinion, but I’ll try to keep things unbiased.) 

It was all over the place, and I mean that quite literally. 

We got to see so many new locations, and most of them seemed interesting. Unfortunately, because of the breakneck pace and the ticking clock, the film doesn’t spend any time developing these places apart from Exegol - and that’s only planet who’s name I can remember. Adding on to the map of a Galaxy Far, Far Away is always a good thing. But so many new locations in one movie, with our heroes jumping back and forth every ten minutes...doesn’t make this universe feel larger. Actually, it makes it feel smaller. In past Star Wars movies, it would take time to go from one planet or star system to another. But that really doesn’t seem to be the case here. If there’s one problem that’s been semi-consistent throughout this trilogy, it’s the confusion of timing. (What’s the point of the title crawl if Episode 8 is going to pick up immediately after Episode 7? But I digress.)

The Dyad in the Force is easily the most fascinating concept of the entire trilogy.

I braced myself for the movie to ignore the connection previously established between Rey and Kylo Ren, as it ignores so much of Episode 8. But no, Rise of Skywalker actually build on the bond between these two characters and gives us more amazing scenes of them interacting entirely through their connection in the Force. We learn that they are essentially a one-of-a-kind anomaly, that Palpatine can use to restore his life energy. Rey and Ben even learn how to use their bond by the end of the film. It’s a new idea that Star Wars hasn’t done before and I kinda love it - I just really wish they had explored it more, and better outlined what it is, where it came from, and how it works. Then again, after how much people hated the Midichlorians, I expect the writers are hesitant to give any answers about how The Force works. 

I also appreciated the official introduction of Healing, as a Force Power. 

Say what you will about some of the Force-Abilities introduced in TLJ, but this one makes perfect sense. So much so that I’m pretty sure it’s already a thing in Star Wars video games? It was well foreshadowed and it played a role in Rey and Ben’s final fight, as well as that heartbreaking climax. Honestly, I truly thought Rey was dead in that moment. I teared up, thinking that her parents’ sacrifice was for nothing. Wondering if Finn could sense that she was gone. Wondering what Ben would do without her, since he had no one else. To be honest, I almost wish Rey had stayed dead, since as it stands...we have a redeemed villain sacrificing himself to save the hero that redeemed him...sound familiar? If Ben had lived, and Rey had died, it could have been a tragic inversion of Return of the Jedi, instead of just a retread. But oh well. I had a feeling they were going to kill off Kylo Ren anyway. 

It feels like they did have plans for Finn, but never properly carried them out. 

Rise of Skywalker very clearly implies that Finn has discovered that he’s Force-Sensitive. Which is a good idea, it just comes out of nowhere. Apparently, that’s what he was going to tell Rey - JJ has clarified it. One problem...that’s not a detail that should be confirmed in an interview. It should be answered within the movie. There were two separate conversations about Finn wanting to tell Rey...something, but the film never comes back to that or gives it any conclusion. Likewise, the idea of Finn being force-sensitive is only ever foreshadowed, never brought to light. Overall, Finn got some great moments, like when he met Jannah and got to connect with another former Storm-trooper...but his overall character arc in this film never got off the ground. 

Was it just me...or was Poe constantly angry throughout the movie? 

I don’t know if this was just Oscar Isaac’s frustration slipping through, or if it was meant to be the stress of the war, or something...but Poe was in a bad mood in just about every scene. But just like with Finn, this never gets resolved or even really acknowledged. Didn’t Poe go through an entire arc in the last film about learning to be less of a hot-head? For some reason, he and Rey are at each other’s throats...even though the end of the last film hinted that they found each other attractive? He does get some backstory as a Spice Runner (though they don’t explain what that is. Maybe it’s answered in one of the books, I dunno.) and we get to meet Zori, who is truly a charming and compelling character. Even if she was only written in as a final “no-homo” to Finn and Poe, I wanted to learn more about her. 

They did Rose dirty. They did her so dirty.

She should have been an official member of the squad in this film, not relegated to cameos. There was no reason she couldn't have been more involved. Her romance with Finn should have been addressed. Even if it was just him gently letting her down, they ought to have mentioned it. Regardless of how you feel about Rose and that particular pairing (Personally, I adored her) it's downright strange that she's so absent from the story when she was a main character last time. Gee, I wonder why this was done? Could it be because the character was eviscerated online by a group of hardcore “fans” who compared her to Jar Jar Binks? Who not only made racist, sexist, and body-shaming comments about the character - they drove Kelly Marie Tran off social media? It really seems like downplaying Rose in this film was a direct response to how unpopular she was, and that isn’t fair to the character or the actress. It just seems...cowardly.

The CGI on Leia...could have been better. 

Not gonna lie, it might have been safer to simply reveal Leia’s death in the title crawl and open the movie with her funeral. Don’t get me wrong, I was initially quite impressed with how they managed to re-create Carrie Fisher. It was nice to see her training Rey, and we even get an answer to the age-old mystery of why she never became a Jedi. But as Leia’s scenes went on, the cracks started to show. It became very noticeable after a while that she would never adjust her standing position or really move at all. So many of her lines were shot to avoid showing her face while she spoke. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why it looked this way. I’m just saying that as a viewer, I noticed. Leia’s death scene was the worst offender of this. By the way...what exactly killed her? She apparently gave the “last of her energy” to call out to Ben, but...nothing beforehand indicated that her health was failing, so why would a simple telepathic message consume all her life energy? She’s done it before. Either way, the death scene was kinda lame...but other characters reactions to it? Hit me right in the feels. Chewie’s breakdown tore me to pieces. I wanted to hug him. And as for Ben...

 That Han Solo Cameo

I’m impressed, first of all. We all though Han could never come back since he wasn’t force-sensitive, so he wouldn’t get a spirit form. But the great thing is, Han didn’t come back - not really. It was all in Ben’s head, hence the lines echoing his father’s death. I love how Leia’s death, compounded with Rey healing Ben and all but telling him that she would be with him if he wasn’t on the dark side, is what ultimately swayed him to turn back. When he called Han “Dad...” In that broken voice, and Han just said “I know...” Honestly, that was the best scene in the movie. Ben previously said to Rey that the Dark Side was in her blood, so she couldn’t escape it. It was so clear that he felt that way about himself too, which may have been part of why he turned. Seeing Han was a perfect reminder that he had more than just Vader in his ancestry. 

Chewie’s “death” was the other scene in the movie that took my breath away. 

Echoing the Force-Battle over Anakin’s lightsaber, Rey and Kylo Ren have a tug-of-war for the ship Chewie is on, and in her rage, Rey accidentally conjures Force-Lightning and blows up the ship, shocking everyone. It demonstrates Rey’s power, as well as her natural leaning toward the Dark Side (through anger.) It also foreshadows her lineage. Plus, the whole concept of accidentally killing your beloved friend..It’s got so much tension, so much emotion - it’s fantastic. Only one problem...Chewie survived, and we find that out not even five minutes later. Honestly, it’s the last movie. Anything goes, you can kill off main characters, even beloved main characters. All of the emotional drama that this scene brings to the table stops mattering once you find out Chewie’s alive. I would love to see Rey actually have to deal with the consequences of what happened, for the movie to explore how it makes the other characters feel about her. On the other hand, one of my first thoughts after it happened was “Geez, if the fandom hated her before...” All the fans who complain Rey is a Mary Sue (She’s not) Yeah, they’d never, ever forgive her if she was responsible for Chewie’’s death.

I can’t decide how I feel about Kylo Ren repairing his mask. 

When I first realized it was happening, I was disappointed. In a way, it undoes his character growth in Last Jedi when he rejected his hero worship of Darth Vader - and even did what Vader could not, slaying his master and living to succeed him. Kylo Ren surpassed Vader once he stopped trying to be him, and that was awesome. But between bringing back the mask (with the painfully on-the-nose line about the “cracks in your mask”) and the reveal that “Snoke” is still alive, all of Ben Solo’s coolest moments from TLJ have been reversed. On the other hand... the Kylo Ren mask is, and always was, a symbol. In TFA, it reflected a pretentious attempt to be more like Darth Vader. But in this movie, it seemed to reflect Kylo Ren embracing the image of being the “Big Bad.” much like how Luke embraced his status as a legend, just before he died. And I’m not gonna lie, seeing the words “Supreme Leader Kylo Ren” in the title crawl was quite satisfying. Not to mention, at the end of the day...it’s all an act. Kylo Ren has always tried very hard to be “evil” but his heart just isn’t in it. He’s trying to be something he’s not - so maybe it’s okay if the mask comes back. 

Let’s rip this band-aid off: Bringing Palpatine back was a mistake.

If they needed a greater-scope villain for the climax after Ben was redeemed...why not use Snoke? Apparently, they’re the same person anyway, and people were mad that Snoke died without having a greater story to tell. Palpatine’s return goes entirely unexplained. He just hand-waves the issue by quoting Episode 3. As a viewer, why should I feel triumphant when Rey kills him at the end, when as far as I know, nothing is stopping him from returning again? After all, he survived certain death before, and we don’t know how he did it. (This is what I mean when I say the film is good by itself, but highly flawed as a continuation of existing Star Wars.) Palpatine’s return devalues Anakin’s sacrifice. It weakens both Vader and Kylo as villains because it removes their agency - we now know they only turned because Palpatine manipulated and groomed them. They’ve made him the greater-scope villain of every single trilogy, which just feels weird. I always thought the overarching villainous force of Star Wars was supposed to be, y’know, the Dark Side and it’s tempting call. That anyone could potentially succumb. But speaking of this film rejecting the idea of “anyone” being special...

Rey...did not need to have a bloodline. 

You need Palpatine to have a reason that he’s so intrigued by her? You’ve already got that - she’s part of an anomaly in The Force that no one’s ever seen before. Need a life-changing shock that pushes her closer to the Dark Side? All you have to do is let Chewie stay dead, and have it be her fault. As much as I have genuinely loved Rey’s character growth and I always enjoy watching her, I can’t help but feel like giving her a bloodline at this point was at least partially done to mitigate the claims that she’s “too powerful.” Not to mention, it ruins the reveal at the end of The Last Jedi, and it’s one more thing that makes the Star Wars universe feel smaller. Coming from a powerful bloodline shouldn’t be a requirement for changing the fate of the Galaxy. Sure, Force-Sensitivity is often hereditary, but not exclusively. Besides, there are more people out there attuned to the Force that just the Skywalkers, Palpatines, and Kenobis. Why couldn’t Rey just be one of them? If Star Wars really is going to go on forever, it can’t simply be the continuing sage of two or three families screwing up the Galaxy. 

What’s up with the super-rushed tone of the ending? 

So, Rey and Ben share a kiss - whether or not you ship them, this moment is wholesome, heartwarming, and so earned -  But then Ben immediately, and I mean immediately falls down dead. He doesn’t get any last words or even a last moment. (Come to think of it...does Ben have any lines at all after his scene with Han? I...don’t think he does. That’s just weird.) Nope, he just fades into the Force so quickly that I didn’t even realize what happened at first. Rey makes it back to the Resistance base and reunites with her friends, but they don’t share any dialogue either. No final moments, not even Finn telling Rey that he’s Force-Sensitive. Disney gets to check off their diversity clipboard by having two nameless women kiss in the background, and Rey then visits...Tatooine, of all places, to bury The Skywalker twins lightsabers. Because you see, a Jedi’s Weapon deserves respect. Burning them? Shameful. But burying them, A-Okay.

Rey is never shown mourning Ben Solo.

Whether or not you think he “deserved” redemption, the film clearly sided with the idea that he did. It based a lot of it’s conflict on Rey and Ben being a hero and a villain who also cared about each other. Going so far as to include the Dyad, and give them a kiss scene. So it’s bizarre that Ben’s death doesn’t seem to affect Rey. She doesn’t even have any sort of reaction to it, but she does have a gold lightsaber now. Which is so incredibly cool that it baffles me that they didn’t let her have it sooner. She never gets to really use it. A random local shows up, for no other purpose than to ask Rey who she is. Rey looks on to see Luke and Leia’s Force-Spirits give their blessing (No Ben, for some reason.) And she then introduces herself as Rey Skywalker. Because they had to justify that title somehow, right? Then the scavenger-turned-jedi, who started out all alone on a desert planet but found a family through her travels...ends her story all alone on desert planet. Hey, wait a minute-

The problems of this trilogy boil down to the fact that it had two writers, with two different visions for the characters.

Perhaps the death of Snoke, the introduction of Rose, and Rey’s lack of lineage directly conflicted with J.J.'s plans for the new trilogy...but The Last Jedi happened. It's canon now. Trying to pretend otherwise doesn't "fix" that. Having moments that directly contradict the previous film, even taking intentional jabs at it (looking at you, Force-Spirit Luke) is a waste of time and honestly feels...kind of immature? As a writer, I’m sure it isn’t easy, but you've got to work with what you have, follow the ideas and plot threads introduced, or else none of it will feel organic. So many moments like repairing Kylo Ren's mask, bringing back Anakin's destroyed saber, giving Rey a bloodline...they just cause whiplash.The only arcs that really continue through each movie are Kylo Ren's redemption, and Rey's identity issues. The writing of Episode 9 does everything it can to erase the ideas of Episode 8, and as a result, the entire trilogy feels directionless. The story feels like its at war with itself. I understand if Rian left J.J. in a compromising position, but sometimes you have to let go of ideas if they can no longer work in your story, however much you want them to. And, not to pick on J.J. too much, but...if he really had a major plan for the trilogy, then why didn't he stay to write Episode Eight? He left the second chapter of the trilogy to an entirely different writer, so...what did he think was going to happen? 

It’s a good movie. It really is. I was on the edge of my seat. If you’ve never seen the first two films, you’ll likely enjoy the hell out of it. But if you’re hoping to get a satisfying conclusion for the characters you’ve grown to care about...well, I’ll just say that I didn’t find that here. 

[daesungindistress]

I don’t see any harm in what Seunghyun said and I’m a diehard VIP. We’re all grown and it’s not like he said offensive things.

The way I see it, his position comes with some degree of responsibility. Not just toward his fans but also to the group he’s a part of. Right now more than ever Big Bang as a whole needs positivity and hype and hope, even if it’s cautious, even if for now it’s just a low-burning flame. Telling the world on a whim in a live broadcast that he doesn’t have plans to come back in his home country sends the opposite message. Especially since he didn’t clarify what exactly he meant by that (solo, group, Korea only, etc).

It’s created a lot of misunderstandings and more doubt that they don’t need right now. There’s no Big Bang without TOP, and if people get it into their heads that he’s left, well… they’re not likely to hang around waiting for someone they think is done. Yeah, VIPs are being dramatic and crying about disbandment again, what else is new. I would probably be less critical if this was the first time, but it isn’t. In case you’re not already aware, you’d be surprised how far and wide news of that flippant reply to an anti spread. A surprising number of non-fans (and casual fans) took it seriously and believed he was out of the industry for good. To the point where he actually received criticism when BB’s participation at Coachella was announced! Because people thought he’d retired and was going back on his word! Shame on YG for not dispelling those rumors. But then shame on YG for many things.

It’s fine if you disagree with me. I’ve seen some people expressing gratitude for his honesty and openness, and while I’m somewhat with them on that, I still think he would be wise to take a more mindful approach to what he reveals and how he reveals it. For himself and everyone else. Especially right now.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! I hope your holiday went well. I'm rereading CoFT, and I've been taking the time to read through the comments and your responses on the chapters. I was wondering if you've ever had a comment or question from a reader that has ever made you realize something about the story, or clarified things? Like has there ever been a big change to plot or characterization as a result of someone's comment? If so, can you remember what the comment was and what it changed/clarified? Thanks!

Hi anon,

While it’s true that some comments/asks have helped me refine my thoughts over time, I can’t think of any one thing that sparked like a huge change to plot or characterisation. Most of the time asks/comments help me to realise what the readers are seeing vs. what they’re not seeing, and often the clarification is ‘you’re not doing this enough in the story for people to see this right now, so you have to work a bit harder at that’ (although sometimes it’s also ‘this is honestly obvious to about half the readers, so just leave it, it’s fine.’)

I can’t think of any solo comments however that have sparked really huge changes. By the time I get to a chapter - in most cases, I’ve plotted some 10-20 chapters ahead in a plan, and even when I don’t have a plan, I know how the arc of the story and the characters is going to go. I’d say...the time this happened that I recognise - and not as a response to a solo comment - was during the beginning of From the Darkness We Fall - where reader response to Mora disintegrating was for me to actually choose to bring her back, after initially intending to kill her off completely (and that obviously wasn’t a single comment inspiration, but a mass comment inspiration).

So while minor shifts and so on might happen, it’s usually not in response to a single comment, but a movement of comments. But the nature of serials-with-comments is that there is an element of being able to get real-time feedback which allows for real-time shifts and changes that I appreciate. I think anyone who has ever read through the comments pretty much ever, can see that I have sometimes clarified and refined things, or made something more obvious, in a following chapter.

I mean enough people saying ‘I wonder what’s happening with Ash’ might lead me to put a thing in about Ash, but that’s only if I think it’s a good idea in the first place. A lot of people said ‘I hope we see the Gancanagh again’ or ‘I bet it’s not safe for him to leave’ and yet, I didn’t bring him back and I don’t plan on us seeing him again for a good long while, which is exactly how I planned it. And more often: ‘I hope we find out what’s going to happen with X’ is exactly what I have planned for the next chapter - that’s a sign that I’m writing the way I should be; when people’s concern is where I’m headed (unless I’m about to throw in a twist).

But...tbh, I don’t like the idea that a single comment would create a huge shift to characterisation. That indicates really poor character construction from the outset. Like, if I allowed myself to be influenced that profoundly, Eversion would already be a remarkably different story, because some people want me to write Connor very differently to how I’m writing him. But I have a very clear idea of what I’m trying to do, whether or not I’m executing it well. The same happened a lot in The Court of Five Thrones where I was more a witness to say, people’s love or hatred of Ash, and I knew I had to walk the middle road while that was happening and not go to either extreme as a writer. As for plot, comments are best for spotting continuity errors, but I don’t always fix them! Lmao. 

You really have to be careful what you let influence you, honestly? Which isn’t to say there isn’t a subconscious constant influence because I think it’s naive to think there isn’t. I like that, but I’m also careful of it too. My covenant is with my characters and the story and my relationship to both first, and then other people’s reactions to the story second. So if I don’t have the first, then sure the second would determine the story. But the first is my priority.

In situations where I’m still not clear about something - for example being unsure about Mosk’s/Eran’s sexual dynamic for some years (something I’ve been open about), and so on - I don’t like to allow outside commenter influence. (That being said, I also don’t tend to get it that much. In the past few years, I can’t think of anyone really forwarding strong ideas of how they think Mosk/Eran’s dynamic should be, most people trust where I’m headed! Which is a privilege and really wonderful).

I am a fairly insular writer. I really hate discussing the plots of stories even with my beta, and I don’t enjoy ‘brainstorming ideas’ with people if I’m meant to be writing the idea (brainstorming other people’s ideas is fine, lmao). I think one of the reasons I’m so comfortable with people’s speculative/curious/future-forecasting and so on style comments is because I do know where I’m mostly headed, I often have a plan (either written or mental), and I can anchor myself into that position without being too swayed by a passionate, logical or curious opinion.

It’s also meant there have been times where people have come up with better scenarios than the ones I’m writing. When that happens, I tend to just say ‘well that’s better than what I’ve come up with, awesome!’ and like, secretly hope they start writing their own stuff, lmao.

[trashqueenkyloren]

Longass Meta on Kylo Ren’s Redemption Arc/Rey and Kylo

SO, to begin, this is something I’ve wanted to write literally since Dec 2015 but the fear of being hated on has been so strong that I’ve just recently felt confident enough to post it and I really just want this out there before The Last Jedi comes out so I can compare although it’s so close to the release date this is all probably irrelevant now oh well

So I went into The Force Awakens basically as a blank slate (I’ll explain later) and I really just want to point out a few thoughts I had while watching it the first time that point to a potential Kylo Ren Redemption arc and the possibility of Rey and Kylo at least teaming up (this is mostly just my opinion, feel free to disagree!)

(way more under the cut guys, read on if you like!)

To begin, let me explain a little bit about myself

PART 1: BACKGROUND

When I went to go see TFA in theaters, I knew almost nothing about Star Wars. I had seen the originals like once when I was like 5 and had not really gotten into it. In fact all I knew was that 

1) The force and the light/dark side are a thing

2) Darth Vader is Luke’s father

3) Han is Leia’s love interest and Luke is her brother (and even this I had to ask my friend to clarify/make sure I had it right)

and obviously I knew the names of yoda and r2d2 and other really basic knowledge, you get the idea

The Force Awakens is what made me become a Star Wars fan (don’t worry, I have since then made up for my mistakes by rewatching all the movies and such)

but anyway what this means is 

I went into TFA as basically a blank slate, meaning I had no biased Star Wars thoughts to cloud my judgement 

I saw what the filmmakers wanted me to see

In addition, being a person who currently studies Literature, Psychology, and Film Studies at college (yeah, yeah, I fit the stereotype, kill me), if there is something I know well it’s Storytelling 

The only things I really knew about TFA before going into it were that 

 1) It was a sequel to the originals 

 2) Rey and Finn are the main characters (had seen pictures and was already lowkey shipping FinnRey) 

 3) The bad guy was some masked dude

That's it. I wasn't a huge fan so I hadn't bothered to look up anything else about the movie and hadn't seen any spoilers. But enough about me .

PART 2: THE CHARACTER OF KYLO REN

Now, while viewing TFA, one thing that struck me and captivated me in a way that no other Star Wars movie had was the character of Kylo Ren. I had definitely not expected to like this character at all. Two things changed this for me

1) The reveal that he is the son of Han and Leia

Never before (in the movies) had Star Wars had a character that was so clearly torn between the two sides. Him being the son of Han Solo and Leia gave him a legacy and a reason for us to want him to be good. We want Han and Leia to get the happiness they deserve. Honestly, if you don’t want a Kylo to be redeemed just think about poor Leia losing her son and still having hope for him (Do it for Leia!!) .

2) His feeling the pull to the light

This scene surprised me because the fact that Kylo is talking to an old helmet about his inner feelings means that 

a) he has no one to confide in so he is withholding a lot of strong mixed emotions and feelings, which is unhealthy

b) he is tempted by the light side while being on the dark, which is very, very different from most villains, who (it seems to me) disregard the light completely. Which means despite wanting desperately to be bad he can’t even do it because of an inborn light side like a teenager going through a rebellious phase

and c) he is being honest about his call to the light because he has no reason to lie if he’s not talking to anyone, which means he really does still feel a compulsion to be good

Star Wars, being a family-friendly film saga, usually has a pretty clear dichotomy on good and evil (hence, light and dark sides). We root for the good guys, not the bad guys. It’s always been sort of a black and white morality going on, but Kylo is one of the few characters that enhances the Star Wars universe by bringing to light (heh) the potential for gray morality in an otherwise black and white world (as it is) 

He is a person that really should be on the light side because of his family and such, but because of Snoke’s constant manipulation and unfortunate upbringing he’s been struggling with the dark side his entire life. It’s really a sad thing to think about. 

Additionally

While initially hating him, I ended up feeling a great deal of sympathy for him throughout the film, so much so that I wondered why they had even made him a villain at all

He was not a weak villain like I had heard in reviews, just a conflicted one. A lot of people don’t like it when villains don’t fit perfectly into a “pure evil mustache-twirling-type”. I found Kylo infinitely more interesting because of this.

He’s no Darth Vader. But that’s the point. Both he and the audience, in a sort of meta twist, know that he’ll constantly be in the shadow of Darth Vader. So, instead, he’s younger, more volatile, more emotional, uncontrollable, unpredictable. He’s contrasted from all these villains to show how he stands out as different. He seemed to me separate from the Hux/Snoke kind of evil that didn’t have any sort of redeeming qualities at all. Evil for the sake of evil, if you will

The viewer’s sympathy for the villain and how obviously they showed his flaws and potential for good is the crucial foundation of a redemption arc

I liked him a lot as a character pretty much up until he killed Han Solo. Then, I obviously believed he was a lot more evil than he looked, although the fact that he definitely didn’t seem happier or better or more dark-side oriented in any way after this still suggested that he didn’t become completely evil 

After this, it hit me that the ONLY sure-fire way to make people absolutely hate Kylo Ren as a villain and squashing people’s complaints that he was too wishy-washy or not bad enough as a villain was to have him kill off one of the most beloved characters in Star Wars history (who also happened to be his father)

He was so obviously drawn to the light and not bad enough throughout the first half of the movie that the writers had to take a huge step in order to get him to the actual level of villain and add a lot of unlikeability

PART 3: KYLO REN AND REY

(My favorite part of the movie ^ Has been my laptop’s background wallpaper since Dec 2015. I would get a poster of it if I could)

In this section, I will describe some things I picked up both about Kylo’s characterization around Rey and their interactions between them. I think that Kylo’s actions towards Rey played a large part in getting the audience to think he was “too weak” of a villain (Something I heard in reviews a lot after watching the movie)

1) The infamous bridal carry scene

Okay my first thought when I saw this was that he was way too gentle with her. Honestly, Kylo, you need your hands to use your lightsaber and the force, so this is much you rendering yourself completely useless on unsafe territory

He could’ve slung her over his shoulder? Or passed her off to a Stormtrooper? So this struck me as very strange, to say the least. To think that he would carry her so gently. But then we see this 

Now, the importance of the combination of the bridal carry and the crossing of the threshold was not lost on me 

It reminded me a lot of a movie a had scene only a few months earlier (which I would highly recommend), Crimson Peak.

While the bridal carry itself could indicate romantic interest between the two characters (somebody already wrote a really good meta about this so I won’t go into it here) the additional crossing of the threshold is a step in the traditional “Hero’s Journey,” a set of steps in a literary work that star wars loves to rely on, where the hero’s journey begins and the hero’s life is changed

Typically, it’s the point of no return for our hero, as things change in a permanent sort of way for their journey moving forward

2) The Unmasking Scene 

I was shocked by this scene for a few reasons which I’ll go into here

a) First off, I was shocked by how youthful he looked. I was expecting a creepy looking old dude or someone with a bunch of scars on their face, but instead we get this young, handsome boy. (Yes, I find Kylo Ren attractive, but does this somehow invalidate my thinking in this meta? No. I can put aside attraction for an objective analysis.) But what I also realized is that he doesn’t need the mask to live, like Darth Vader did. He needs a mask for the entirely opposite reason, in order to make him seem intimidating. Without it he just looks like a lost child, he needs the mask in order to be taken seriously.

b) The second thing that shocked me was that this is the first installation of a trilogy and they’ve already unmasked the main villain. This speaks volumes to them wanting the audience to humanize him as early as possible. Darth Vader didn’t get unmasked until the later part of the last movie of the trilogy. If they wanted him to remain purely antagonistic, they would would have left his mask on. This means that they aren’t going to want us to view him as the one-dimensional cardboard cutout villain, they want us to view him as a human with flaws.

c) The final thing I want to touch on is that Kylo’s unmasked came directly after Rey’s quote “That’s what happens when your being hunted by a creature in a mask”. When Rey said this, my reaction in the theater was, So just take it off! And then he did. And I had really not expected him to actually take off his mask for her, as this meant he did not want her to view him as a “creature” or a “monster,” but he wanted her to see he is a human, just like her. He wanted to create empathy between them. This move, along with me noticing that Kylo was much younger and more attractive than I thought, coupled with his attempts to reassure her (tells her he doesn’t know where her friends are, “you’re my guest,” “don’t be afraid, I feel it too”) led me to believe the Kylo Ren might actually be Rey’s love interest, instead of Finn. It seemed like a unique plausible twist and it was just kind of an instinctual gut feeling that hit me. Of course, the thought of this went out the window when Kylo murdered Han, but, after reviewing the movie a couple more times, the thought kept coming back to me.

(Okay quick side note, my friend and I came across a Kylo Ren action figure for The Last Jedi that says different phrases in Barnes and Noble recently, so I pressed it, and one of the phrases is just Kylo saying “Don’t be afraid” in a gentle tone and my friend and I were laughing because what kind of villain just says “don’t be afraid” even in their action figure? That’s like, the least threatening thing, so anyways...)

3) The Final Fight 

I really, really liked the fight at the end, aesthetically it was beautiful. I really liked that neither Rey nor Kylo seemed to overpower the other, even though Kylo should’ve easily been able to overpower Rey because he’s physically stronger and has had more experience and training. 

The fact that Kylo says “It’s just us now” clearly to Rey honestly made me laugh because Finn is standing literally right there, but Kylo clearly doesn’t view him as a threat because he knows that Rey is strong with the force and therefore, she is more of a threat to him. A lot of what Kylo says can actually be applied to Rey too, which I find interesting. When he says “Han Solo can't save you,” yes he’s talking to Rey but he’s also talking about himself, as he believes Han Solo was unable to save him.Then he’s obviously not trying to flat-out kill Rey in their fight, he’s trying to get her to join him because he believes he can train her (“I can show you the ways of the Force”) which also surprised me.

It was interesting to see Kylo weakened by his wicked act, instead of strengthened as he thought. This, to me, meant that he still had the potential for light and redemption in him, given enough character development in future movies. I’m excited to see what The Last Jedi and Episode IX holds for him, and what they decide to do with his character. All I’m saying is, he has a lot of potential for a good redemption arc, as the foundation has already been laid for it.

PART 4: ENDING THOUGHTS

I think that both reylos and “antis” have a lot of valid points, but miscommunication seems to be a main problem. 

I guarantee you that literally no reylo wants Kylo Ren and Rey to make out, like, right now, as it stands with the ending of The Force Awakens that we know. They need Kylo to go through a redemption arc FIRST and there needs to be a lot of things that need to change for this to occur. If Kylo Ren didn’t threaten Rey in any way in this movie then they would not be enemies, and there would practically be no plot. Also, I’m pretty sure no one wants Rey’s story to be eclipsed by Kylo or her story to revolve around saving him. This should come about through Leia/himself. But also, love does not make a character inherently weaker.

Right now, Rey and Kylo are enemies, on opposite sides of a war. But they have a lot of potential for the “Enemies to Allies to Lovers” classic trope (with TFA as enemies, TLJ as allies, and then ep 9 as Lovers) But things must proceed in this order for this to occur. There is no skipping stages here. It is their potential for more which intrigues reylo shippers so much.

Personally, I am intrigued by their yin and yang, with one person in the dark being drawn to the light, another in the light being tempted by the dark, and I want them at least to team up (it could remain platonic) to bring balance to the force. To me, seeing this play out would be extremely satisfying, and be something unlike what Star Wars has done before.

Now, if you don’t ship reylo or don’t want Kylo Ren to be redeemed, awesome. That’s your opinion and you are free to have it. I don’t wish to start arguments or discourse, I simply wanted to vent some thoughts. This post shows my opinions, which I am also free to have. Thanks for reading about it!

[stellxuk]

Broad lesson(s) from my solo trip

Some time has lapsed since I’d written the last post but as always words keep escaping me and at present time so o o o much has changed to how we’re essentially going about our daily lives. Being an introvert through and through, I don’t feel the effects of staying home as much as others but it has also created a new flux emotionally. I’ve been getting really vivid dreams (a side note), and have become more reminiscent of my trip to the UK, seeing it in different lights than the atomic now-I-know-I’m-not-a-solo-traveller vein. 

It has brought me immense gratefulness (more than I can express without sounding like a brat who decided to spend money on a leisure trip in the midst of then an impending pandemic) that I got to experience what I experienced in the UK before everything started going downhill. A lot, and I mean a lot, of unfounded worries surrounded me during the trip, which made me think that it was just a wrong time to have travelled and experienced the cities I went to. But now it has, in my own windings and projections, taught me a lot of empathy for the kind of fears people are going through now, and how important it is more than ever to surround yourself with the assurance that this is a time that will pass. It has also opened up a lot about who I am as a person inherently as well.

Picking up The Idiot Brain by Dean Burnett (a read I’d recommend) after reading 2 chapters and abandoning it for an awful long time (the pages have started to yellow kind of long), I understood how the irrational fears I felt during my trip were my cortisol levels trying to get me to hit optimum self-preservation mode and survive alone - something I have never done. Never! Of course my brain had trouble computing the experience then. I’ve never been physically alone more than an afternoon/ evening completing work at a cafe, or watching a movie solo, or a drive, or at most taking a solo flight (note that these aren’t survival activities but also just leisure activities). I’ve been wrapping my head around why I was so fearful and it seemed I couldn’t be at ease with myself more so than others who seemingly adapted pretty well to studying/living abroad alone. 

But it wasn’t a measure of courage and sensibility, it was apples and oranges in how I was raised and the circumstances which surrounded me as I embarked on the trip.

In the last post I wrote about enhanced responsibility traveling against my parents’ full consent (to clarify, they supported me in my decision but if they had a say they would’ve completely shut the trip down until the entire virus situation tided over). It had been weighing over my head the entire trip and through my mom’s frequent check-ins that as much as I wanted this trip for myself, I’m not my own person. We all aren’t. I read an essay “No Patient is an Island” by Anita Ho on Aeon and it presented studies on moral philosophy such as Rene Descartes’s “rugged individualism” where the self is individualistic, independent and in autonomous control of their lives. This goes against the inherent significance of family relationships - that which is characterised by collectivity, non-consensuality, sensibility and favouritism.

While it may seem that the end goal is independence, coming into your own person, much of our identities and idea of self is constituted by our relations with others. Besides navigating the new cities I was visiting, I was also grappling with a sense of guilt almost for having my mother worry over me, but also a sense of subtle want for defiance - to maybe miss a text or two, get back to the airbnb real late one night - and prove that I can be on my own. It is weird to say this even now but when I hadn’t done that, eventually caved to the messages my amygdala was sending and made sure I kept to my itinerary, don’t do anything stupid, and to assure my mother that the train ride home takes only 15 minutes and the station’s still crowded so I wasn’t alone, I felt like I still wasn’t really being fully independent. Even though I literally was - alone.

To me the premise for the trip was mild, non-social activities. Visit a park, a museum, catch a theatre play, take train rides to explore architecture, nature, boutiques, local cafes. That sort of thing. I remember catching up with a friend a week or two ago and he frowned when I said I started my days early around 8am but I was back in the airbnb most nights by 8pm. He proceeded to ask me why hadn’t I gone to a bar. Lol. Why would I be in a bar? Nothing wrong with bars - I’m not insinuating that if I had gone to a bar any of the nights that would’ve been the last you heard of me. I was just perturbed as to why there seemed to be a “generic itinerary” everyone had to follow and me missing out on these overtly “I’m solo tripping I am my own person now” type activities meant I had an odd trip.

I guess where I’m getting at is it all boils down to who I am, maybe neurologically my anterior hippocampus might be average sized or even smaller, or biologically I have inherited the DNA that encoded the same over-protectiveness and social paranoias my mother has (chemically, her oxytocin levels has surged through 3 childbirths and hence socially, my sense of danger and worry has also been compromised). There are so many reasons as to why I choose the straight path most times and I don’t take much risks. Don’t get me started on my psychological flaws on fears of failure and subconscious need for social (including parental) acceptance 🙃. But it doesn’t mean it was a horrible trip!!!! (I finally got to the point).

When friends asked me how was my trip, I felt socially obligated to preface that it wasn’t that great - because globally we hadn’t known we were about to fight a pandemic together, and because when I got back my parents were more relieved than excited to hear my stories, and I was slightly ashamed of how cautious I was and at some points, downright fearful. But now I understand, that I hold my life to great regards in accordance to others, and I attain a sense of selfhood through my connection with others. I have my fair share of social anxieties, but by my own measures I can deem the trip a great one regardless. An old friend who reconnected on my birthday (and we got to talking about her experience on her own solo trip) said this:

yea it’s not easy but it’s memorable hahaha there’ll be something about this trip that will stay with u for life and it’s sth that will be difficult to put into words or explain to anyone... try and relax and enjoy yourself! afterall this opportunity definitely didn’t come easy. you’re brave enough to even take ur first step :)

At that moment when I read her message a wave of calm just came upon me and that birthday I gallery-hopped - V&A Museum, The National Gallery, Hayward Gallery and Tate Modern - and I spent what others might think was the most mundane birthday but to me, one of the best yet. 

Will I go back to the UK alone again? Absolutely! Knowing all of the above doesn’t mean I’m okay with it and am set to just live like a hermit for the rest of my life. It means I have so much to work on and look forward to in growing myself more and more. This will (continue to be) on my own terms, that will also be considerate of the people I value and how I’ve been raised. It means communicating my fears and assurances for others better, and it means going against my amygdala sometimes and trying new things (that I would enjoy) to overcome irrational fears. I hope if you’ve read this far that you’ll also be patient with yourself to give yourself time to figure out why you feel/think in certain ways about certain things, and to understand that everyone is on their own path. I hope you’ll give yourself time for yourself, and not by social standards of what it should look like at this stage of your life, going through whatever it is you’re trying to figure out. 

Regular blogging content that actually talks about what I’d done on the trip in the next few posts :>