#this show is so feel good angsty gay there was no way I was not going to become obsessed

[wilderbas]

got hooked on dbd didn’t i

[bbydoll18xx]

How Do I Get to Heaven?

'Without changing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven?'

Paige Bueckers x reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Themes: angst, slurs, religious trauma, HAPPY ENDING i promise

A/N: hiii so this one is super angsty and sad. I've been going through a rough time, and this is my way of coping. I kinda touched on these subjects in 'She's Such a Good Girl' part 2, and this is similar. I was obsessed with 'Heaven' by Troye Sivan when I was like 15-16 and the lyrics hit a little too hard. If you're gay and were raised in a religious household, I suggest taking a listen.

~

“He’s a fuckin’ faggot!”

“Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

“Those kinds of people are going straight to hell.”

Your face remained neutral. It had to. But you had years of practice, and while you were internally sobbing at the bigoted remarks, there was nothing you could do to stop it. So you stayed quiet, and you maintained your usual look of disinterest. 

Running up the stairs, you finally make it into the safehaven of your bedroom. You shut the door quietly, trying to avoid seeming as if anything is wrong or out of the ordinary. Nothing could possibly be wrong. You were the perfect child; straight As, never in trouble, and you always were eager to help out around the house. But you were harboring a dirty little secret that threatened to rip you from the grips of being the golden girl of your family. 

Sobs wracked your body as you slid onto the carpeted floor of your room. What had started off as an innocent dinner had turned into a nightmare. Slurs were thrown around casually, and unbeknownst to your family, you were the unidentified target. Your sexuality was the reason you had become an empty shell of a person, riddled with fear of accidentally outting yourself. And the anxieties you felt were bubbling up, threatening to ruin the perfect image of yourself that you had crafted for your loved ones. 

This wasn’t the first time. And it surely would not be the last. 

Your family had always claimed to love you. Your childhood was a happy one, but you feared the truth would break everyone. And even if they found out and still claimed to love you, you knew they would always see you differently. Gone would be the girl they knew, and their eager touts would be replaced with hushed whispers. You’d forever be known as “the gay one.” And you fucking resented that.

So here you sat on the floor, trying to quiet your sobs as you mourned the loss of the life you once knew and the people who would eventually turn their backs to you. 

Summer was ending, and soon you would be fleeing back to college, where your guard could be let down just enough to show the world a glimpse of who you really were and who you really wanted to love. 

There was just one girl who you wanted to love you back.

Paige Bueckers was your best friend. And she was so very gay. 

Since meeting her at the beginning of freshman year, she had pulled you out of a darkness that had resided in you since you had realized your feelings towards girls. It did not take long for you to fall madly, head-over-heels in love with her, but you had vowed to ignore it. 

Even if there was any hope of reciprocated feelings, you knew deep down that being in love with a girl would mean having to come out to your family. And you were just not ready for that. You weren’t sure if you would ever be ready for that. 

The thought terrified you. You knew you were willingly inhibiting a possibility of incredible happiness and love, but because it was at the risk of losing your loved ones, you were shutting it all out. 

‘Fuck. I really need therapy,’ you think miserably. 

That was the understatement of the century.

~

The new school year starts, and Uconn’s campus is ablaze with excited students and the possibilities of what is to come. You are finally starting to feel like yourself again, and the second your parents leave your apartment, you don a t-shirt plastered with Diana Taurasi’s face on it. 

You could finally get your gay card back.

A loud knock rings through the empty apartment, and before you could get to the door to answer it, Paige is peeking her head through it, a huge grin covering her face. 

She wastes no time barreling through the room, sweeping you up in a hug and spinning you around. Your feet leave the ground, causing your stomach to flip, and your legs automatically wrap around her waist for leverage. 

“Someone missed me,” you giggle, feeling breathless from being back in Paige’s tight embrace. You had been dreaming of this since you last saw her, back in July. 

“Course I did,” she chuckles, voice muffled against your hair. “You glad to be back?”

You groan. “Fuck, yeah I am. Lookin’ forward to not hearing some slurs for a bit,” you say, fist-pumping the air with a dramatic roll of the eyes. “And I’m especially looking forward to not having to listen to Fox fuckin’ News,” you add, pretending to gag.

Paige’s eyes rake over you, and she pouts, already knowing how your family could be. She had listened to your endless rants and your pathetic cries for the past three years. 

“I think you should just move in with me after this year ends. That way you don’t have to put up with that shit. Then we can be together after graduation,” she says earnestly. 

This was not the first time she had proposed this idea. And while you were internally jumping at the idea, the fear of how it would look to your family made you shy away. Paige wasn’t exactly the most straight-looking girl. Living with her would make things complicated. Your covert feelings had no place in a situation like that. 

You sigh. “I’ll think about it, P,” you promise, linking your pinky with hers, as you always did. 

~

Christmas break quickly rolls around, and Paige’s words are still playing in the back of your mind. Your feelings for her had grown, as if that was even possible, and having to leave her and the safety and warmth that came with her, was agonizing. 

Sitting against the hard back of the pew in your family’s Catholic church, you look around, thinking about how these people would be okay with you burning in hell forevermore. The familiar feeling of shame creeps back into your chest, the flames licking at your wounds. 

You wanted to run and hide. You wanted Paige. 

The Christmas activities persist, and amongst the holiday cheer and piles of gifts, uncomfortable conversations emerge, and you shrink back to your room, desperate for respite.

You felt so fucking abandoned. This was supposed to be a time to enjoy with your family, and instead you were hiding.

There was one person, though, you knew would not abandon you, and that was Paige. Her presence was enough to lessen the sting of the inevitable rejection of your family, and in that moment, it was enough. 

Pulling out your phone, you dial her number, longing to hear her voice, all the way from Montana. Christmas break could not end quickly enough. 

Paige’s smiling face is soon on your phone screen, but it falls as soon as she sees the tears falling down your cheeks and your wobbling bottom lip.

“Oh, baby, what happened?” She asks in a hushed whisper, voice full of anger and concern. 

“They hate me,” you cry. “They fucking hate me, and they don’t even know it yet.”

Paige sighs, trying to find the right words. While she had always had acceptance from those around her, she knew how difficult it was for you to be at home, and she desperately wished to take away your anguish. 

“I love you,” she stresses. “And I know that doesnt fix your family treating you like shit, but soon you’ll be back and everything won’t seem as shitty, I promise.” 

You nod, wiping at your eyes with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. 

She loved you. And you knew that. But you wanted her to love you in the way you loved her. For now, you would take what you could get.

“Just a few more days,” she assures, and you feel the tiniest bit better.

Just a few more days. 

~

The start of the new year always engenders change, and you had promised yourself as the clock chimed to signify it was midnight that this would be the year you would hike up your big girl panties and figure out your shit with Paige. Your senior year had to slow down, and Paige’s proposal had been in the back of your mind since August. 

If you could get over your stupid crush on her, things would be all good and dandy, but your efforts to eradicate her place in your heart were futile. You had mused it over nearly a million times. Maybe you’d eventually get over her, and maybe she would have some bizarre habit that would inevitably give you the ick, ridding you of all romantic feelings toward her. 

You could only hope. 

You pump yourself up on the way over to Paige’s apartment, encouraging words forming on your lips, leaving a trail of fog from your warm breath against the cold air. 

You knock on her door, cheeks pink from the frigid temperatures of Connecticut in January, grateful that it hides your blush. Paige opens the door, eyes wide and hopeful. She always looked so damn alluring. 

Your words leave your mouth before your chary mind could overtake you. “I want to move in with you after school ends. I can’t go back to living like that.”

Paige’s features twist into a smile, and she pulls you in for a hug. “Gonna take such good care of you,” she whispers, and you believe her. Your arms wrap around her middle, anchoring you to the floor. 

“I should probably tell you, though,” she trails, her voice getting smaller as she takes a deep breath. 

You look up at her, confusedly. “Tell me what?”

“I love you. And not just like as a friend. So if you don’t want to live with me because of that, I get it,” she mumbles, eyes trained on the floor.

Your breath quickens at the realization. Paige loved you. And the thought of being a colossal disappointment to your family and potentially cast out did not seem to matter as much anymore. Because here was someone who loved every part of you and accepted the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

The look of shock swiftly morphs into one of unbridled euphoria, and without another thought, you pull Paige in for a kiss. It was filled with the pure longing and want of years of uncontrollable urges and repressed thoughts, and it nearly made all the shittiness worth it.

Pulling away, Paige links her pinky with yours again, just as she had back in August. It was an unspoken promise of love. And while you knew the journey would be inexorably difficult, Paige was worth it in the end. 

~

dang that was rough lol but thanks for reading as always:) I really hope this wasn't too triggering or anything for anyone. This has been such a nice outlet for my pain and anger, as I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I am here for everyone who can relate. My inbox is open if you guys ever want/need to talk

xoxo katy

[absolutebl]

Best & Worst BLs of 2023

My Top 15 BLs of 2023 are (in order)

1 Our Dating Sim

Korea Viki

Nerds in love, deadlines, gaming, teasing, pining tiny idiots, casual affection, linguistic oops, ADORABLE. If you haven't watched this, it's a must. A perfect short form KBL, an office set reunion romance featuring geeks that really suits 8 eps with no fluff and no chaff. Just comforting and yummy.

I adored every aspect from the casting to the pristinely simple premise to the quietly smooth execution. Sure it’s low stakes, but that makes it high domesticity and extremely warm and gentle. This is a fuzzy blanket of a story - a cozy BL. It lives in my rewatch pile and you know what’s best about it? Every single episode is in that pile. There’s no skipping with this one, it might be good natured and calmly sweet but it’s tight and the pacing is excellent.

Also recieves my 2023 award for best giggle.

2 I Cannot Reach You

AKA I Can't Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai

Japan Netflix

This classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen.

Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way.

This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt almost honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen.

Also wins the best thirst award.

These were the 2 BLs that got 10/10 from me in 2023. The rest of these got 9/10 from me.

3 My School President

Thailand YouTube

GMMTV gave us a classic high school set Thai BL with tropes like messy boys singing their feelings that made this one Love Sick for the modern age with all the gentle sweetness and pining ache, but none of the dated damaging tropes or issues. Who let my BL be this wholesome and funny? My favourite GMMTV BL offering to date. And yes, I've watched them ALL.

Received the Namgoong award for best wingman 2023.

4 I Feel You Linger in the Air

Thailand grey

IFYLITA is an exquisite BL, from filming techniques to narrative framework. Steeped in history and family drama this is an elegant and classy BL. The main couple (both as a pair and individuals) were excellent, particularly Bright (Yai) whose eye-work acting style is a personal favorite of mine. It's a marker of how great it was that it's so high on my list despite the ending which was very much not what I wanted.

Additional accolade, sexiest moment of 2023 - (the oil scene).

You could try to fight me, but you'll have no grip.

5 Kiseki: Dear to Me

Taiwan Gaga & Viki

The plot is totally ridiculous and slightly unhinged. There’s a gum-ball machine of cameos, elder gay rep, great chemistry from all pairs (everyone is queer), and a KILLER side couple. It involves all the tropes under a very offhand framework of gay mafia gangs + food = love. As a result Kiseki is a poster child for Taiwanese BL, and I happen to love Taiwanese BL. Bonus? They also managed to END IT WELL, which we cannot expect from Taiwan.

Best side couple 2023!

(thank goodness Taiwan made this list!)

6 Jun and Jun

Korea Viki

A delightful office romance about an ex-idol who joins cubical life only to find his new boss is his first love. With a snappy (sometimes even raunchy) script, enjoyable sides, a pretty as peaches cast, and descent chemistry this show made up for in style what it lacked in substance. I like fluff. I loved this. I smiled every moment I was watching.

Best flirting 2023.

AKA "the tongue knows" award

7 The Eighth Sense

Korea Viki

This one is a bit chewy and sticky and less perfect than most KBLs. It’s got a bit of an age gap, country boy/city boy, stellar acting, complex characters, and leads with great chemistry and tension. This isn’t in the KBL bubble, there’s sharp edges and lots of triggers. For a BL the darkness of the content left me feeling unsettled (which is the only reason it didn't get a perfect score) but it has a glorious ending and that counts for a lot.

2023's most likely to appeal to non-BL watchers.

8 Unintentional Love Story

Korea iQIYI

The lead, Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT, who carried this show. He was luminous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, which he used to carry a killer plot and challenging role. Forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the eyes EMOTING at us in PAIN. Driven by external conflict, social tension and pressure this story seems simple but it's actually refined and quite complex. I loved this show.

Best story structure 2023.

9 My Personal Weatherman

AKA Taikan Yoho

Japan Gaga

This is classic yaoi of the kind that really only works from Japan. Basically: boys who fell in love in college end up living together but both are so repressed they actually don't realize they're in love. It's high heat is well done, but it leaned into the "why don't they just talk for fuck's sake?" which is exacerbated by the fact that they're already fucking. Sure is sexy tho.

Best use of props 2023 for the shower of sheets.

10 Our Dining Table

AKA Bokura no Shokutaku

Japan Gaga

Lonely salaryman and talented cook gets accidentally adopted by a college kid and his little brother. It’s a quiet & cozy little parable of found family alleviating loneliness. It's lovely & sweet with the romance beats used to build a family relationship, not just couple intimacy. Special.

First prize for domesticity.

11 Laws of Attraction

Thailand iQIYI

This is a great gay suspense thriller with several solid couples, fun plot, killer characters, queer rep, and a happy ending. It’s tons of fun and I had an absolute blast watching it.

Charn wins my favorite character of 2023.

12 La Pluie

Thailand Viki

This BL takes to task the fated mates trope and what it means to have love chained intimately to predestination. It’s about how faith in destiny before choice diminishes the authenticity of emotion, relationships, and connection. This is a high concept to examine through the lens of a BL. With good chemistry and decent acting all around, plus some excellent high heat and representation of consent and a few other rare tropes, this one has to (like it’s sibling show My Ride) earn high marks.

Most interesting concept 2023.

13 The New Employee

Korea Viki

So good, SO QUEER, so soft, a near pitch perfect office BL with conflict derived from that setting. Also found family and a lesbian bestie. This is what I wanted from this new crop of office set KBLs ALL ALONG. Rainbow rice cakes forever!

Best overall queer rep from Korea.

14 Step By Step

Thailand Gaga & YouTube & Viki

This was Thailand’s answer to The New Employee, and everything I loved about that show I loved about this one. This was an office romance between stern boss and sweet subordinate that felt more authentic to an office environment than previous Thai BLs of this ilk which added tension to the narrative and character development.

Chot wins best queer character 2023.

15 Love Tractor

Korea iQIYI

Most of this country-set BL had me feral for the beautiful broken city boy and his hot young farmer. Hyung romance, puppy/cat pairing, open frankness meets jaded reserve, language play, water hose frolicking, only one bed = all my favorite silly tropes.

Biggest "he so pretty" gasp of the year award.

10 Worst BLs of 2023 (that I watched)

My Blessing

My Universe: Casanova Begins

Boyband the series

Cafe In Love

Chains of Heart

Hit Bite Love

Only Friends

Senior Love Me

The Luminous Solution

The Promise

Yes, you read that right. I know I'm against the flow but I really did not like Only Friends. Everyone's taste is different.

However I DNFed faster and more BL's this year than ever before, so that means my 10 worst probably aren't quite reflective...

10 Probably Actually Worst BLs (I dropped 'em)

My Story

The Day I Loved You

Beyond the Star

Crazy Handsome Rich

Dinosaur Love

House of Stars

Mr Cinderella 2

Love Bill

Stormy Honeymoon

The Star Always Follow You

Codicils in General

I only carefully track/watch Thailand, Taiwan, Korea, and Japan. Other countries are not fully represented.

My Numbers

So my spreadsheet chronicled 138 BLs that finish airing in 2023.

101 = watched & reviewed

2 = still in the docket (WDYEY2 & Love Syndrome III)

15 = CNF (could not find)

20 = DNF (which also accounts for how few very low scores I handed out in 2023 as opposed to previous years, I just stopped watching). Speaking of which...

Ratings spread

(# of stars. #of BLs given that rating)

0 (see the DNFs instead)

2 - IT'S DEPRESSING they killed the gay, save yourself

7 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM WATCHING AND NEITHER DOES IT

7 - FATALLY FLAWED but still basically BL, however… do we want to support this kind of behavior?

9 - WATCH IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO but don’t expect much, it’s a total hot mess

17 - WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED probably around the ending or in narrative structure/cohesion or censorship

14 - RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS i.e. isn’t quite BL, convoluted, not strictly HEA, too short/long, or chemistry issues

30 - RECOMMENDED some concerns around tropes (like dub con) or story structure but still satisfies as BL

13 - ABSOLUTELY RECOMMENDED probably a few pacing issues or one flaw

2 - HIGHLY RECOMMENDED faithful to tropes, happy ending, good chemistry, few flaws, high rewatch potential

(source)

[becausebuckley]

michelle's buddie fic recs: week 43!

in which i read a bunch of newly posted fics and began making my way through my marked for later list. it's been another good reading week for sure!

this is a mix of fics with all ratings, so some include NSFW content. please take a look at both the ratings and the fic tags before reading! note that this list contains some fics set during/after season 8, so there might be some spoilers.

if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!

august | Daisies_and_Briars/@cal-daisies-and-briars | 40.2k | T

Buck, Eddie, Natalia, and Marisol go on a beach vacation in August of 2023. It gets angsty and gay. when i say i DEVOURED this fic... wonderful buddie but the natalie and marisol of it all is just stunning beyond words!

chess inside my chest | detectivemeer/@buick118 | 4.4k | T

They go to El Paso to bring back Christopher. And oh my god there was only one bed. only one bed + go get chris fic = absolutely brilliant!! love the buddie dynamic here <3

close friends (that you lowkey want to fuck, but in a totally platonic way) | rowan_wood/@transboybuckley | 2k | T

Instagram rolls out a new feature, and Buck doesn't totally understand how it works. i love a fic that incorporates texting/social media and this is no exception!! also a big fan of the buck and ravi (and lucy) friendship here!

cold and freezing and barely breathing | EiraLloyd/@unlifeira | 3.6k | T

After the well collapse, Buck drives Eddie home and takes care of him. Eddie is too tired to argue — and too tired to keep him at arm's length. perfect fic to read with the potential well callback in the next episode <3 i love buck's "are you cold" excuse more than i can express

connected the dots in reverse (but still completed the picture) | letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels | 51k | T

"Hi everyone and welcome back to our show where we team up to decide if ghosts are real." buck and eddie co-hosting a ghost hunting show <3 i loved the buddie but the supporting cast shines so brightly here as well!! just such a wonderful read <3

cursed | bookinit/@bookinit02 | 2.5k | G

“So you don’t believe in curses,” he says carefully, wrapping his brain around it, “because you think you deserve everything bad that happens to you?” “…Yeah,” Eddie says, after a moment. “That sounds about right.” loveliest episode coda!! buddie phone calls in the middle of the night always hit the spot, and this is a perfect example of that <3

drift past the flowers. | dylaesthetics | 45.9k | T

Buck and Natalia get engaged, and Eddie flees the state about it. A petty email correspondence ensues. the email correspondence here is just perfect. petty and catty and sarcastic but also so full of love and fear and other feelings at times... just beautiful!!

for all the perfect things i doubt | extasiswings/@extasiswings | 5.2k | T

Evan Buckley is really good in bed. Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t. literally no character study will ever hit as hard as those examining buck and his relationship to sex. it's an unmatched combination!! this is introspective and intimate and so so good <3

it only takes a taste (when it's something special) | weewooforever | 7k | E

Eddie shifts slightly and clears his throat again. “But can you answer my original question? What’s it like kissing a guy?” so hot and soft and perfect <3 i love this particular flavour of buckfidelity so so much!!

men made of stone and forged in fire (even you deserve to be so softly loved) | lemonzestywrites/@lemonzestywrites | 5.6k | T

A quiet night in and a hand running through his hair, those two simple things usually don't do much to phase the average person. But Eddie is a different story. i love how this fic sets out eddie's relationship with touch, it's so good!! and buck plaing with eddie's hair <3

no one quite like you | hammersmiths/@henswilsons | 10.1k | T

Buck and Eddie’s progression through texts. text fic!! i love text fic!! this is such a lovely look at their relationship developing through the seasons <3

objects in the mirror | SevenSoulmates/@sevensoulmates | 139.1k | E

The voice had always been around, Eddie remembers it, like a stream of consciousness that babbled incoherently to the point where Eddie just tuned it out. But then the voice started speaking directly to him. Conversing like he was a whole person standing right in front of him. Like he could see what was happening around Eddie. telepathic soulmate bond?? and so long?? i am so glad i dug this out of my marked for later list and read through it, it is so so good!!

the place i call home | kaistinlove/@kaistinlove | 10.2k | T

the 5+1 fic where Buck ends up in many different beds throughout the night before finally back to where he actually belongs. such a wonderful look at not only buddie, but also buck's friendship with the firefam!! so brilliant, i particulary loved the ravi bit!

the worm question | One_Small_Writer/@dinosauring130 | 2.8k | G

Buck can't sleep. As he lies awake, a certain question pops into his mind. A question he knows he needs the answer to before he can rest. the softest sweetest late night conversation <3 and the correct answer to the worm question lol i love them so much

vibrant | blueberrytwoberry/@blueberrytwoberry | 8.3k | T

Buck meets his soulmate, misses them, and tries to deal with that. i am obsessed with both the concept of this au and its brilliant execution!! the colours appearing and then fading away at a certain spoilery moment... it's so so well-written and i love buck here so much <3

you're always home (i've been waiting for you to come in) | sibylsleaves/@sibylsleaves | 34.3k | E

Buck moves in. Eddie comes out. Things get a little messy. THIS FIC. oh my i saw the buck and eddie's summer of domestic bliss tag and i thought i was prepared but i was not. just absolutely lovely all around <3

[artiststarme]

Where's The "Talk"?

Based on a prompt from @samcoxramblings. I hope this meets your expectations! Please leave your thoughts in the comments and if you have any more angsty prompts, send them my way!

~*~*~*~

After coming out to the Party, Eddie and Steve were on their toes for days just waiting for someone to give them the ‘Talk’. They were amped up, prepared to receive loads of various threats ranging in creativity and snipe. But the days came and went and no one mentioned anything. Anytime Eddie would mention expecting a shovel talk to protect their babysitter, the kids awkwardly looked between one another before changing the subject. When Steve mentioned to Robin and Nancy that no one had warned him against hurting Eddie yet, they just rolled their eyes and ignored him. Neither man knew what the Party was waiting for. 

After a week, Eddie loses his patience and asks the kids at their Hellfire session. “Okay guys, what gives? Where are the outlandish threats of violence, the creative insults about my character, the whole shabang? I’ve been on the edge of my seat for fucking days.”

“Eddie, what the hell are you talking about?” Dustin asked him, sounding puzzled. 

Eddie snorted a sound of frustration. “The shovel talk! Steve and I told you that we were dating a week ago and no one has said anything! Is this a gay thing? Are you too scared of being homophobic to say anything? I can take it!”

The kids looked uncomfortable but Mike spoke. “Look man, we just don’t want to waste our time. You and Steve aren’t going to last. I mean, look how different you guys are! You’re awesome, you DM for Hellfire, and you’re in a band. What does Steve do? He works at Family Video all day and sure, he looks kinda good without a shirt on, but he has nothing else going for him!”

Lucas and Dustin looked at him in confusion before Dustin cleared his throat. “Eddie, we know you’re not going to hurt each other. You’re both our big brothers and you’re not actually dating. Steve likes girls! I’m sure he’s just looking for a way to let you down easy. I’m sorry, man.”

Meanwhile, Eddie looked at them indifferently. He couldn’t believe that these little assholes would say that to him and at a DnD session no less! He whipped his head to look at the original Hellfire members only to find Gareth, Jeff, and Grant looking shellshocked. 

“Do you boys feel the same way?” He asked them, his eyes flashing dangerously. 

Jeff shook his head slightly, “no way, man. We just don’t know Steve well enough to give him a talk. You know we’ve always supported you, if you want us to threaten him a little, we can.”

“Yeah, we’ll threaten the socks off of him!” Grant nodded. Gareth though just continued glaring at the kids.

Eddie nodded, it seemed there was a division of true friends and posers around the table. If his little sheep didn’t want to believe he and Steve would last, he’d show them. He and Steve were for life. Eddie was like a parasite, a viral STD if you will. Once you got him, you were stuck with him forever.

“Well, thank you for sharing your opinion. Does anyone else feel that way?” He asked them. Did the rest of the Party share the same views? He desperately needed to know. 

Lucas nodded slowly, “well, yeah. Hopper says you guys are only seeing each other because you’re trauma-bonded and Robin said that it doesn’t mean anything anyways.”

Eddie chuckled sardonically. Oh so, the entire Party was against them? Fine, he didn’t need to be a part of the group that tore his life apart anyways. 

“Alright, Hellfire’s disbanded. Get your stuff and get out. Corroded Coffin, we’ll continue the campaign as a three-piece on Thursday before band practice. I’m going to go see Steve, the guy I’m in a relationship with. You know, the one that ‘doesn’t mean anything’ since we’re ‘too different’ and ‘trauma-bonded’ and ‘waiting to get let down easy’? Go fuck yourself and fuck your precious Party too.” And with that, Eddie stormed out. 

He drove straight to Family Video and was ashamed to find that frustrated tears had started leaking from his eyes. He couldn’t believe this. After all they’d gone through together with the Upside Down and psychic killers and murder accusations, being in a relationship with Steve was the tipping point? Absolutely ridiculous. He darted into the video store and didn’t even slow his stride as he threw his arms around Steve where he was talking to a customer. 

“What the- Eddie? Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?” He asked him before turning back to the customer. “I’m sorry, could you talk to Robin over at the counter please? Have a nice day.”

Steve gently herded him into the employee lounge and pressed his teary face into the crook of his neck. “Eds, hey, what happened?”

“I’m so sorry, Stevie. I never should’ve said anything!”

“About what? What’s going on? Weren’t you supposed to be playing DnD today with the kids today?” Steve asked him. He wiped the tears from underneath Eddie’s eyes and rested a hand on the back of his neck for comfort.

“I asked the kids why we hadn’t gotten a shovel talk from anyone yet before we even started. They said that no one in the Party thinks we’re going to last. Hopper thinks we’re trauma-bonded, Mike doesn’t think we’re fucking compatible, Dustin thinks you’re faking it, and Robin thinks we’re not serious. They’re not interested in ‘wasting their time’ giving us a talk.”

Steve blinked in surprise before his face hardened. “We don’t need their acceptance or their approval. We know they’re wrong and that’s what matters. We don’t even need a talk from them. Fuck ‘em! We can give ourselves a shovel talk if our good-for-nothing-friends can’t do it!”

“Steve-” 

“I’m serious, who gives a shit about their opinions? Who are they to judge? Dustin’s dating a girl over the radio that lives in goddamn Utah or some shit. Lucas can’t judge because Max broke up with him again for like the tenth time this month. Mike’s only girlfriend was a girl he found in the woods that didn’t know any better than to date him. Robin’s never even been in a relationship so she can’t judge us for having one. And Hopper is 100% going to be in the doghouse after I tell Joyce about what he said. Fuck what they have to say.”

“But Stevie, how are we going to give one to ourselves? That doesn’t even make sense,” Eddie told him gently.

“Fine, then we’ll give one to each other. Eddie, if you break my heart, I’m going to give Wayne adoption papers and take your last name whether you want me to or not.”

Eddie sputtered, “what the fuck? What kind of talk is that? You’re supposed to threaten me with physical harm, not whatever mindfuckery that was!”

“Don’t belittle my shovel talk! Like you could do any better,” Steve scoffed at him.

“Oh yeah? Steve, if you break my heart then I’m going to break your kneecaps so you can’t leave until I win you back. And if I break your heart, I’m going to finish what the bats started.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Eddie! Are you okay? That’s fucking violent!” Steve yelled.

“That’s the point!” Eddie screamed back.

“No it’s not!”

“Yes it is, you’re supposed to threaten to hide the body with a shovel,” Eddie said like it was obvious. 

“Dingus, stop talking to Eddie and get back to work. We have a line,” Robin said exasperatedly, poking her head into the back room. 

“We’re giving each other shovel talks since you losers wouldn’t do it. You know, since this means something. I’ll be out when we’re done with that,” Steve told her bitchily. 

“Fuck off Buckley,” Eddie hissed venomously. Robin looked shocked at his mutiny but backed away regardless. 

Steve stared at the door for a moment but Eddie drew his attention back to himself with a whispered, “if you don’t hurt me, I’ll help you hide a body.”

Steve cackled and murmured back, “you already were accused of murder once, you need to stop being so violent!”

They continue to date until marriage is legalized in the state of Illinois, where they move shortly after they deliver their truly remarkable shovel talks. As payback, they get a marriage certificate at the courthouse and don’t invite anyone from the Party to act as witnesses. Instead, Uncle Wayne, Jeff, Gareth, and Grant surround them and hear the clerk declare them husbands. 

(Hopper and the rest of the Party find out at Christmas that year and everyone loses their shit in synchrony. They all learn a valuable lesson that day that Eddie Munson holds the meanest of grudges.)

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[haveihitanerve]

Okay so theres quite a bit of Batcest hate out in the world- and I do have to admit, I view the Bats as family too, which is why I can understand, but there are certain ships that i understand, after all most of them are not related biologically at all, and are under no obligation to each other to be so, bruce literally says in one comic "Whether or not they're brothers is no matter, they're both my sons" or smth along those lines, pretty much his children may all be his children but that in no way has to make them siblings anyway im getting away from myself here, a list of batcest shippings i understand and my reasoning for why people might ship them together, if you don't wanna, don't read any further🙃

Bruce/Dick: Brudick is an old ship, actually, originally they were created as a gay couple, not openly, but heavily implied, and a way for people back in the day to "legally get married" was through adoption... Anyway I like BruDick when I see it because it just works Dick understands Bruce in a way no one else ever will, he was the first one, the original, his grief and experience mirrors Bruce's in a way that makes them so similar and yet so different, he is the light at the end of Bruce's tunnel, and theres just so much that can be written about them, angsty or fluffy, whether romantic or platonic

Jason/Tim: this one I also understand, to an extent, Tim needs someone who cares for him, Jason needs someone who understands him, Tim looked up to Jason, not as much as Dick but enough, he wants Jason to come back into the family, wants Jason and Bruce to forgive each other, he sees the good in Jason when no one else does, hes stubborn in his desire to mend their relationship- Jason on the other hand once he stops trying to kill Tim actually genuinely cares for him in a way he doesn't for anyone else in the Batfam, appreciates Tim's knowledge and perspective and I do believe, I honestly am not too sure on this, but he works with Tim first before anyone else??? i'm probs wrong on that one but I think... anyway I do like their pairing- it gives a nice contrast and they usually tend to love each other wholeheartedly, almost obsessively in the fics i read, which they kinda deserve, someone who loves them so much

Bruce/Jason: this one I get, but only after the pit. They're two sides of the same coin, Jason is only more willing to go for the final step and Bruce isn't, theres just so much of their morals that collide and snap, this honestly could just be a fic/pairing i like because of the angry smut and all, but yeah i like them, I feel like romance between them would make it easier for Bruce to get his point across about why he can't murder and why its wrong, and also vice versa

Dick/Jason: the two oldest, the ones who dealt with Bruce's shit the longest. Idk but something about them, they had almost personality flips, Jason was the happy go lucky one, then he went pit mad and now hes angry and snaps and Dick was the angry one hell bent on vengeance and now he's smiling and happy and trying to keep the fam together and all that, idk jason would let dick be angry again if they're a couple and let him release all the pent up anger/repressed inside and Dick would cool Jason's anger, bring back the joy in him, etc etc

Bruce/Tim: this one I'm still a lil on the fence about, I like it because it offers another side of Bruce and Tim's relationship, and it adds another way for Bruce to show he does actually care and appreciate and love tim and wants him in his life, and its another way for tim to soothe Bruce and bring him back from the edge and etc etc... don't have too much to add bc again im on the fence but yeah

so those are all that i got for now, yeah hope that maybe explained things better, probably just made things more confusing but i just had to get it out at one point :p overall i steer away from batcest in my fics and dont like to use it like that, theyre family, brothers sisters, parents in my heart, but sometimes theres just scenarios where they fit better as romantic partners... anyway thats all

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

Two lonely stars

Post for Sirius's Birthday today! Muggle AU, my version. Bit angsty, this boy really needs a hug. Wolfstar.

It was one of those nights when Sirius couldn't sleep. During the day, Sirius’s mind was occupied with the noise surrounding him. Lots of people lived in the castle. Lots of chaotic teens lived in one place. It was rare to have a quiet moment. Although, at night, the silence was unbearable. And Sirius had the curse of having a loud mind that didn't let him sleep well.

He was having a cigarette in the Common Room, when he heard a noise that alerted him. But when he turned, there was nothing. Maybe it was the powerful imagination of tiredness.

Then he heard a voice:

"Good evening, dear nephew"

Sirius felt chills down his spine. It couldn't be. When he turned, there was the man in the flesh. With his cheeky smile, that handsome face and his elegant suits.

"Uncle Alphard?" Sirius managed to say through the shock "This can be real... You're dead!"

Sirius had been to his funeral. He never saw his body inside the casket, but he knew Alphard was dead, right?

"Am I dreaming?" Sirius asked next since the man was just grinning in front of him.

It didn't make sense that this was real. His Uncle faking death only to appear inside the Gryffindor Common Room in the middle of the night, looking impeccable as always.

"Certainly" Alphard confirmed. And Sirius relaxed. Yeah, it was obvious.

It was terrifying how everything felt so real. Alphard took a seat next to him on the windowsill and Sirius could've sworn he could still smell his cologne.

"May I?" Alphard pointed at the cigarette between Sirius’s fingers. It was recently lit again despite the fact that seconds ago, it was finished. Sirius gave it to his Uncle.

Alphard smoked.

"You lied to me" Sirius figured he could tell him the things he wished now. He had been angry with the old man "You lived a secret life and hid it from everyone.... From me!"

Alphard smiled "Sentimental?"

The dreamed man had the same twisted sense of humor than the real one. Sirius realized he was so angry that he had tears in his eyes. He blinked them away.

"You don't have the right to be angry, dear nephew" Alphard said as he continued to smoke "Isn't what you do as well? Live a secret life, hide your true self? Pretend, pretend and pretend?"

Sirius’s mind immediately went to Remus. Alphard's secret life with many men lovers didn't compare with the little kisses Remus and him had shared.

Sirius blushed.

"What I do with Remus is nothing..."

Alphard was amused "I wasn't talking about your gay discovery"

"I'm not gay!" Sirius spat "I'm not like you!"

"Oh, but we are more alike than you think" Alphard winked "And not only about our secret preference in men..."

Sirius rolled his eyes. 

"I'm talking about something else" Alphard explained "It is the way you show yourself as this soulless fun arsehole. The way you pretend you're not vulnerable and nothing affects you. And the way you act as if you don't care about others" 

Sirius knew this wasn't his Uncle but his own imagination in a dream but still it hurt that he had just described his fatal flaw. 

"It feels lonely at the end of the day to push people away" Alphard added. 

"I'm not pushing anyone away" 

"I know you think you don't deserve them or that you will eventually hurt everyone you love. That's why you push them away… I was the same" 

Sirius didn't say anything. Because this Alphard was inside his mind and inside his mind there was nowhere to hide. 

"Let me show you something, Sirius" 

"What?" Sirius asked "Why should I trust you if you lied to me my whole life?" 

"Exactly" Alphard smiled. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow not understanding anything. 

Alphard say anything else. He snapped his fingers, and the lights of the Common Room were lit. It was as if it was daytime once more and many students were walking around, making noise. Then Sirius’s heard James’s laughter and spotted his friends sitting in a table at the end of the room.

Sirius smiled and walked towards them, but they didn’t notice him. It was as if he was invisible. He waved at them and called their names but nothing.

“Is this real?” Sirius asked Alphard who was also not spotted by the boys.

“What’s real, my dear nephew?”

God, Alphard was being annoying.

“Where’s Sirius, by the way?” Remus asked after they finished laughing. Sirius was surprised to hear his name, and he wanted to tell them he was right here.

James shrugged “Probably with a girl somewhere. I don’t know. He’s just pissing me off lately”

“Why?” Peter asked.

“I’ve been patient with him since the summer because I felt pity for what happened with his family. But he had been so annoying lately. Moping everywhere about how miserable his life is. Making drama about how his mummy and daddy don’t love him. Treating me and others like shit. I love him, but sometimes he feels like a burden”

James had never spoken about him like that. Although Sirius admitted that his mind was constantly thinking about how much of a burden he was for James.

“I’m always taking care of him and cleaning after his mess, but lately, I am tired of it”

And indeed, James sounded tired. He sounded disappointed and frustrated.

“They are not really saying that” Sirius commented to his Uncle. The man simply shrugged. What a twat.

“Honestly, I don’t get why we are still his friends, James” Peter added, making Sirius look at him with hate “The bloke is always gaining attention to himself. Where’s our attention? Everything is always about him. And his family, and his brother and his stupid girlfriends”

Bloody Peter. Sirius always suspected he was secretly jealous of him.

“I mean he is quite handsome” Remus intervened, and Sirius smiled. Yes, Moony was going to defend him “But that’s all he is. A pretty face. He has no heart to care about anyone else but himself”.

Remus sounded hurt and sad. Sirius felt the guilt he always felt for continuing with their little thing. He knew Remus deserved better. Someone nice. And yet, he continued to kiss him because it was so addictive and beautiful. But Sirius only did one thing, hurt him.

“I mean…” James continued, looking guilty “He is my best friend but… Sometimes I feel like I am a better friend than he is. I am always more pendant on him and he is ever on me. He doesn’t care about me and my relationship with Evans. Or if I have problems with my parents. Because they might be good, but I am still human, and I have issues. I know what you’re saying, Pete. He is too selfish”

Sirius cared about James. He cared about his issues. It was just that his life was a bit more perfect than others’. James was the type of person to have all he wanted. And when something was wrong, he saw the positive side of it.

“He is always treating me like an idiot and making me feel bad about myself” Peter looked down.

Sirius thought about the jokes he played on Peter, how sometimes he stepped over the line. But at the end of the day, that’s all they were, jokes.

“I know, Pete” James touched his shoulder “And sometimes I followed him because I loved Sirius” he rolled his eyes “Or I thought I loved him. But I thought he was someone else”

“He is far gone from the little boy I used to know” Remus said “He is a bully, and a womanizer and he doesn’t trust me anymore” then he added in a whisper “He uses me for fun”

Wait, this was hurting a lot. These were all the things that Sirius believed his friends thought of him. Constantly. But it was ten times worse to hear them say them. Why did this dream feel so real?

“I think…” James sighed, looking a bit nervous. Sirius knew it because he pushed his glasses up “And I don’t want to sound like an arse… But I think I only stand him because I feel sorry for him”

Well, that felt like a stake being stabbed in his chest.

“And I only stand him because I thought you did, Prongs” Peter declared.

“And I think you guys are great” Remus added as well “But Sirius is not the person he used to be. I don’t like him anymore”

“No!” Sirius exclaimed, he realized he was crying “You guys don’t actually think that of me! You can’t think that of me! I love you! I love you guys! I’m sorry!!”

Sirius continued begging the other boys didn’t even register him. He was invisible to them.

“I think at the end of the day, all Blacks are the same” James sniffed “There’s nothing good to be expected of them”

Sirius closed his eyes. He yelled and covered his ears. He couldn’t continue listening to this. It was turning easily into a nightmare.

“NOO NOOO!!” he sobbed “PLEASE UNCLE ALPHARD MAKE IT STOP!! STOP IT!”

Sirius stayed like that for a bit. With his eyes closed and his ears covered. Tears falling down his cheeks.

He wanted to wake up. He just wanted to wake up.

It was when he calmed down a little that he heard more laughter. At first, he thought it was his friends again, making fun of him. However, when he opened his eyes, Sirius was in a different place.

Grimmauld Place. Dining Room.

The table was full of delicious treats. Turkey, Chicken, Ham, Mashed Potatoes, Lots of different salads, desserts, pastries, scones, chocolate and wine. The was a full plate in front of him but Sirius wasn’t hungry at all.

Alphard, on the other hand, was eating like a pig.

“Yuum!” he exclaimed with his mouth full “This is exquisite”

Sirius was furious.

“What the fuck am I doing here?” he snapped “Do you want to torture me?”

Alphard swallowed his food and grinned.

“Family dinner”

In that second, Sirius jumped when he heard someone hitting a cup with a fork to make some noise. When he turned, Sirius realized his family was seated at the table. Just like always, in their regular seats. Orion, Walburga and his brother Regulus.

What was odd about the scene was that they looked happy.

“I want to make a toast” Orion was saying with his cup raised “to congratulate our new heir for his achievements this year”

At first, Sirius thought his father was talking to him, to mock him. But his parents didn’t even see him. They turned with smiley faces towards Regulus.

Regulus wasn’t dressed in his dark clothes, piercings and black nail polish as always. He was wearing an elegant suit, with his hair combed to the back. His face was clean. No piercings. He was also smiling.

“You’ve done an incredible job, Regulus” Orion carried on “at school with your grades and at home convincing the Family you’re suitable to maintain the company in your hands” he smiled “Your mother and I are very proud of you”

This was weird as well because usually, Orion only spoke about Regulus horrible things. He complained about his appearance, of his way of speaking, of the fact that he was shy and quiet.

Orion had rarely been a proud father with Sirius, worse with Regulus.

“Yes, mon cherie” Walburga was smiling widely “You couldn’t have done it better”

Oh, that bitch had always preferred Regulus anyway.

“Thanks a lot, mother and father” Sirius was surprised to hear Regulus speaking loudly and confidently. He sounded just like their father “I couldn’t have done it without your help. Claiming the Company as mine had been my goal. I intend to fulfill it”

“That’s my son” Orion winked as he took a sip of his whine.

“Didn’t I tell you, darling?” Walburga commented. She was sober and happy “Regulus was always going to make us proud. He was meant to be our Heir, not…” and she made a disgusted expression “Sirius”

Great, now they could talk bad about him all they wanted.

“You were right” Orion nodded “Sirius was a waste of time. A waste of potential. I wished we would’ve realized it sooner”

“Sirius was a mistake from the start” Walburga said “He wasn’t even planned. Regulus was”

Although it was more likely to hear Walburga saying that in real life, it still hurt to hear it. He had always been told he was destined to be the heir. That he was greater than others for that. Even greater than Regulus.

“I can do better than him, mother” Regulus intervened. He sounded so formal. He wasn’t even stuttering like he used to do “Honestly I think my brother is a real pussy for not even trying”

Sirius stared at this dream version of his brother. So cold. So mean. The worst part was that his parents laughed.

“Didn’t I tell you, Wally?” Orion said “Spending too much time with Alphard was going to turn him into the weak faggot he is”

Sirius forgot his Uncle was even there. But just a gaze showed him he wasn’t even paying attention. He was still eating and looking bored.

“Certainly, he didn’t choose well his company” Regulus agreed “Potter, that fat kid and Lupin, the freak” he scoffed “Sadly for him, he lost his potential. But lucky me” he smirked “Now I have my chance. If that arsehole doesn’t want it, I do. And I know I can do better”

Both Orion and Walburga looked pleased.

“God!” Orion exclaimed “It is so wonderful to have a nice dinner with my family. Once and for all, we agree on things, and we can enjoy dinner together” he raised his cup and the others followed “Cheers for that”

“It used to be a mess, didn’t it?” Regulus snorted “I blame it on Sirius. He was always ruining everything. Making it all about himself”

“I agree” Walburga added “He is too reckless, he doesn’t think. He was constantly saying dumb things” she took a deep breath “We are so much better without him”

Sirius knew his relationship with his family was a mess. That he was constantly messing up. But he had the tiny hope that his parents, right in the bottom of their hearts, loved him. That they did everything for Sirius’s own good, even if their methods were questionable. So, it was awful to hear them say all these things.

“I propose a toast then” Regulus raised his cup as well “For a peaceful life without Sirius”

And Reggie, his little brother. They were constantly fighting and sometimes Regulus was annoying. But Sirius loved him. And he thought Regulus loved him back. He thought Regulus admired him.

Wow, Sirius was instantly crying again.

“For a peaceful life without Sirius” their parents chanted. And it was sealed.

Sirius realized how much he was ruining the lives of people around him. It might be a dream. It might not be real what they had said. But it made all the sense in the world that it was. Because Sirius was all those things: reckless, heartless, selfish, a pussy, and a coward.

“STOP IT, ALPHARD!” Sirius yelled at his Uncle. Eyes full of tears.

The image faded away. And they were back where they started. Empty Gryffindor Common Room, windowsill, cigarettes between their fingers.

“What is this? What is the point of showing me this?”

Alphard looked pensative. Then he turned slowly towards his nephew.

“It is what we are, Sirius… Stars” Alphard said, and the way he said it sent shivers down his spine “Great to admire from afar, beautiful and apparently unreachable. But once people get close to us, they realize we are giant balls of fire that can instantly burn them in a flash. And we are too much for them”

Sirius figured it made sense.

“Remember what people said about me in my funeral?” the old man asked.

Sirius remembered. They were all awful things. Slurs and bad comments about Alphard’s secret life and promiscuity.

“They could say that about you in your funeral” he added morbidly “They could say all things you just heard if you continue to be the dick that I was”

Sirius shook his head because he couldn’t bear to think about it.

“I know you wanted to be a free spirit like me. Cool, handsome, free and reckless, not affected by anything or anyone” Alphard said “But at the end of the day, you’ll feel lonely. And everyone you love will leave you alone”

Sirius began crying like a little kid.

“I don’t want that, Uncle Alphard” he covered his face as he sobbed “Please, I don’t want to be the way that I am… Please Alphard…”

Sirius felt his uncle’s hand on his shoulder.

Then he heard…

“Padfoot…”

“Pads, wake up!”

“I think he is having a nightmare”

“Wake up, Sirius! You cannot have a nightmare on your bloody birthday!”

Sirius opened his eyes to the real life, to the real world. He was safe in his bed. No Uncle Alphard. Only his three friends grinning at him.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIRIUS!”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HANDSOME!!”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PADS!!”

The three of them jumped to wrap their arms around him. He felt them hugging him and kissing his cheek and forehead.

Sirius was frozen, remembering all the bad things he had heard them saying in his dream. Did they really think that way about him? Were they pretending to like him now? Or was it all inside his mind?

Sirius did what he always did then. He faked a smile.

But he remembered his Uncle’s words about pretending. He didn’t seem to stop.

“Cheers, guys!” he said when his friends finally let him breathe.

There was a painful exchange of presents. A nice jumper and boots from James. A cool poster from Peter. And a curious mixtape from Remus. He thanked them all with a smile. Although Sirius couldn’t stop thinking how much he didn’t deserve it.

“How does it feel to turn eighteen and be officially an adult?” James winked.

“I’m planning to buy lots of alcohol, cigarettes and visit lots of clubs in London” Sirius grinned, making his friends laugh.

Were they pretending to laugh?

“Oh Sirius, you and your priorities” Remus smiled.

Remus… Sirius felt guilty only by hearing his voice. He was so good. So, kind. So perfect. And Sirius was being a horrible dick to him. He had been a horrible dick to all of them. Making jokes about Peter. Trying to avoid James because he couldn’t stand Evans being his girlfriend, hiding many things from him when all James did was worry. And practically using Remus because Sirius had strong feelings for him, and he couldn’t let him go with someone better. Because Sirius was too selfish to let him free. Kissing him was like a drug.

“So, what are we going to do for your birthday?" Peter asked, getting Sirius out of his brain “Eighteen. It is a big birthday”

Sirius nodded “Listen to the little Boo man” he said “We have to do something special”

“Of course, handsome!” James winked “I had everything planned. We can go to Hogsmeade, sneak out with the girls and have some drinks… I heard there is a cool place where live bands play…”

Sirius was smiling, pretending to listen but he zoomed out. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he was ruining people’s lives, how much he kept doing it by pretending to be this cool fun version when all he wanted to do was cry.

Fucking eighteen. Happy Birthday to him.

[mirageofadesert]

Give me more morally gray characters ...

Let me interrupt my regular program for a brief rant about Downton Abbey and Thomas Barrow… well, not really regular as I've been too busy to watch anything with subtitles for the past few weeks. Instead, I passively binged on Downton Abbey while working.

I love morally gray characters, be it Tantai Jin from TTEOTM or Spike from Buffy. One of my favorite characters is Thomas Barrow from Downton Abbey. (Spoiler Alert, TW // suicide, homophobia, conversion therapy)

Thomas is everything I need in a character ... unhinged, angsty and gay.

I loved him from the first rude line to the last. He starts out as a delightful troublemaker with a cruel streak born of fear, hurt and the desire to be respected, fit in and belong. He is, as Baxter understands so well, his own worst enemy, having perfected self-sabotage over the years.

A supporting character for most of the show, the footman-turned-butler's story is usually prioritized over his character development - meaning the writers know where they want him to end up each season, even if it contradicts previous characterizations. This leaves the audience with a character who can be hard to follow at times.

The writing really got on my nerves at times. From conveniently forgetting his medical training when they want him to despair during his job hunt, to pulling any kind of cunning out of him when they want him to appear changed (and depressed), Thomas is always what the showrunners need him to be, but not necessary what would make sense for his character. I'm still annoyed that they made him go through medical torture in the form of conversion therapy and a suicide attempt, and then glossed over these traumatic incidents in favor of boring other storylines. Or how they portrayed his war injury as an act of cowardice rather than desperation.

What I love about him is that he was still a coherent character who remained a morally gray character (the last film aside, because they sort of forgot to give him any of his character traits back). Thomas would still lash out when he was angry or hurt, would still manipulate others for his own gain, and would still feel wronged by the world. Once the world has brought him to his knees, he understands that he has only himself to blame, and he tries to do better - which has its ups and downs. The Thomas we see in the final and in the films still wants to belong, is still a desperate romantic, but he is also so incredibly insecure in a rather endearing way.

Younger Thomas was rather stiff but dignified, trying to appear immaculate, trying to hide the fact that he felt he was anything but. Once the mask comes off, he goes from being a reluctant cat to being full of nervous puppy energy. As a neurodivergent person who has recently struggled with not being able to masks well, I can relate a little too much to this version of Thomas.

Most characters, that start out as villains, either change completely (like Tantai Jin), their behavior will be excused (like Mo Ran or Spike) or they sacrifice themselves for the greater good to redeem themselves (like Spike). Thomas stays more on less morally gray. We understand the reasons better, why he would lash out at others, and we can feel sorry for him. He had a harder life than most, but that still does not undo the harm he has done to others.

All in all, the last film was a bit of a disappointment for me, mainly because a lot of the characters felt a bit off. I had to watch the film twice to get behind the romance with Guy Dexter. What Guy meets is Thomas desire to be respected as a person, to be seen as worthwhile, to escape the life as decorative wallpaper and to finally have a romantic relationship with someone that is rather enthusiastic about him. A lot of their relationships seems to have developed off-screen, based on Guy knowing who Carson was during his proposal and understanding how uncertain Thomas still feels about his role in the household. I wish them well - but not at the expense of Thomas being excluded from the rumoured 3rd film. I hope it takes place in the USA and we get to see him again!

I really wish we would see more morally gray characters like this, even through a quick look into the fandom of Downton Abbey shows me, that not everybody can handle it.

[ladysomething]

not really unique but maybe some kind of actors/movie star au where max and charles are the two it boys of hollywood and therefore have always been pitted against each other as rivals. however, they’re casted together in a movie with an esteemed director that neither want to refuse. then they fall in love woopty doo !!

firstly it's not your job to make the concept unique! that's on me baby! so don't stress about it, and I love this idea!!

also... this one got so long haha

ok so to keep the past tension, for sure they were on like. a Disney channel show together growing up. pit against each other like Zendaya and Bella Thorne.

they were playing best friends and had amazing chemistry, but secretly couldn't stand each other. Max is definitely a repo baby, whereas Charles is so pretty he gets a lot of opportunities. they both resent each other because of it: Charles thinks Max gets everything because of his dad, whereas Max thinks Charles get everything because he's pretty.

eventually they have a big fight on set, and the show gets shut down because of it. maybe they get physical - maybe they just refuse to work with each other anymore

Max is the first one to rebuild his image - he works and works on as many movies as he can, trying to only be in Serious Dramas so people know he's a Real Actor

whereas Charles kind of disappears from acting for a while and instead turns to modelling

cut forward, they're both very successful in their fields. Max already has an Oscar, whereas Charles is getting brand deal after brand deal

and then, like, Scorsese or Greta Gerwig or somebody incredible goes to Charles and pitches a movie to him

some kind of really angsty, dramatic, gay love story set on the Italian coastline (heh heh, just because I think I'm funny, let's make the movie be based on Give Me That Fire lmao) (even though that was set in London) (lets make it GMTF but set in a restaurant on the Italian coastline lol)

anyway so Charles turns them down at first and says he doesn't act anymore, but Greta Gerwig is like, "No, I want you in this part, and you can have first pick of your co-star."

So Charles, "I want Max."

Max is tentative at first, doesn't want to work with Charles, but Gerwig says that Charles picked him and so Max ends up agreeing

it's super awkward between them at first, so they end up having to do some bonding exercises to try and ease the tension, and while they do it they apologise to each other for their behaviour as kids and congratulate each other on their successes

filming is much smoother from there, and Charles and Max end up admiring each other's skill

Charles appreciates how hard Max works, and how much more he achieved that his than his father, while Max is impressed with how good Charles still is even though he hasn't acted in years

they end up kind of being like ... "Hey, you're not too bad?" and spending a lot of time together outside of filming

maybe Charles spends a couple nights in Max's hotel room

they film that really intimate sex scene from GMTF and afterwards they're both so emotionally spent but also a little turned on from the tension and the kissing, even though its a Film Set and they're not actually that sexy to film

Max absolutely falls in love first - he realises what he's feeling for Charles, and pines hopelessly from a distance

meanwhile Charles is terrified of being Known and Knowing Somebody, and he can't let himself fall in love

but Max is so sweet and charming and the more time they spend together they more he realises just how wrong he's always been about Max

anyway, by the end of filming they're both hopelessly in love but neither have admitted it

they part ways, Charles going back to modelling, Max moving on to his next movie, and then they're reunited for the press tour

they end up confessing their feelings during the tour and having an intense affair, but at the end of it they decide to go their seperate ways because of how busy they both are ... though obviously neither of them actually want to seperate. they just think the other person does.

anyway the movie comes out and everybody loves it, they praise their acting and the range of emotions Charles showed and how well Max embodied this lonely chef and the chemistry the two of them had and how well it told the story of these people who had been in love and who's relationship had fallen apart, but then who had wanted to try again anyway despite it (yeah obvi it's a metaphor for Charles and Max's relationship in this universe too haha)

it ends up getting nominated for a bunch of Oscars, and Max gets nommed for best actor and Charles for best supporting actor

idk if Max wins but Charles definitely does

and at the after party they find each other and it's just inevitable, really, that they'd kiss again

anyway from there they'd basically just make it work, because they admit they're in love and want to give it a go, so they do

Max keeps acting, and Charles gets to choose between modelling and acting, whatever he wants. idk exactly how it would end aside from them being very happy!

[weirdbrothers]

Stranger Things Fic Rec

Let me get one thing out of the way: absolutely nobody asked for this. But I love these pairings and stories so much I had to share it with you all. This is heavy on Steve/Billy with some Steve/Eddie sprinkled in.

If you've never read Stranger Things fic, or when you saw this post thought "oh yeah, that 80s kid monster show" I encourage you to give these a try! You don't have to know much about the show besides the bare bones of the plot. (And my ask box is always open for Qs!) If you like angsty teenage boys who are in denial about their feelings and hate their hometown, read on.

Now, on to the porn and depravity!

if i stare too long by @brawlite & @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger | Steve/Eddie/Billy

After the end of the world, Billy Hargrove is a mess. But at least he has company.

Notes: Literally one of my favorite fics of all time, I will never shut up about it. Gay threesomes. Angst. A sweltering midwestern summer. Homoerotic undertones that builds to filthy gay porn. The vibes are all there.

Pressure by Yellow_Blue_Books | Steve/Eddie

"You never did tell me your name," he called at Munson's back. The older man was already in the trees when he turned back around and stated his name, eyes bright and grin wide. Steve never heard it; he couldn't read his lips from so far a distance between them. So instead, he watched Munson walk away; the teen, now wide awake, went to sit on the hood of his car to wait for Hopper to show. On that crisp, cold January night in 1985 - Steve Harrington heard the sound of Eddie Munson's voice for the first and last time. He never even knew his name.

Notes: The only WIP on this rec list, and totally worth the wait. Great characterization. So many little tidbits of information that have me squealing with joy. But also dark and grounded in reality.

chokechain by @brawlite | Steve/Billy (and Tommy is there)

Tommy H. invites Billy to a party at Steve's house. Billy expected hot chicks and booze, but when he shows up, there's only the latter. Steve and Tommy teach Billy that in Hawkins, sometimes you just gotta make do.

Notes: When I think of this fic I literally start sweating its so sexy. The fic that got me hooked on Steve/Billy and gay Steve in general. Its so subtle and gritty and grimy and hot. And Tommy is egging everyone on, yet oblivious, just how I like him.

so good at being in trouble, so bad at being in love by @the-copperkid Steve/Billy

Steve's sophomore year, Billy showed up.

Notes: A fandom classic. The perfect example of Steve/Billy getting together in world, and dealing with their feelings (+ porn, because I'm me and I need porn in all my fic).

We'll Go Down in History by @eternalgoldfish | Billy/Steve

Hawkins High takes a field trip to Baltimore to see historical sites and Steve would rather jump out his hotel window.

Notes: So much teenage angst and tomfoolery in this one! A little more lighthearted than others on the list. Gets to that theme in ST that I love: the idle hands of teenage boys are the devil's playthings.

Dom 4 Hire by @lazybakerart

Steve is naked, on his hands and knees, in the apartment he shares with his high school sweetheart for a man he only just met in person five minutes ago.

Notes: From the second I saw Steve Harrington on screen I knew that boy was a sub dying for someone to call him a good boy. And Billy is just the dom for the job. My only complaint is that I wish this was longer!

Maybe we're something uncool by desert_dino | Steve/Billy

It’s only noon; Billy knows neither of them have work that evening, and their shitty gen-ed biology lab was cancelled. They’ve only been hanging out for an hour, and maybe Billy isn’t quite done fucking around with Harrington yet. Maybe he’ll indulge him.

Notes: Cocky Billy is what the world needs! Great banter and dialogue. Just a snapshot of what I imagine their afternoons would look like, and the teens of Hawkins would be like "why the fuck are they always hanging out?" totally oblivious.

slipping through by sightetsound | Steve/Billy

It was the weed, and the pilfered whiskey from Steve’s daddy dearest they passed back and forth. It was actually how Steve’s eyes caught the moonlight. How his mouth moved when he spoke, and how it curved on a grin Billy would call relaxed when they were alone. Admitting as much felt too much like giving ground, and so it was the weed and whiskey.

Notes: Really bittersweet, heartfelt, and sincere. A different kind of pace for this pairing.

You Get Too Close by @trashcangimmick | Steve/Billy

Steve sits at the back of the bus on the way to a basketball match in Gary. Billy Hargrove sits right across from him.

Notes: Be for real- when we saw that basketball and shower scene we were all hoping it would go in the direction of this fic. Gives me the vibe of an 80s porno in the best way.

Reflecting on the Longest Wavelength by @trashcangimmick | Billy/Hopper

Billy’s heat hits early. Jim Hopper happens to find him before anyone else does. 

Notes: This pairing is a little rouge, I don't see it often and its hard to pin down for me past all the basic tropes. I really like the A/B/O world-building here and find myself returning to it.

[batsplat]

speaking of smallville now that was certainly a show. how many seasons did you manage and when is it best to stop? I am currently at s2 and already I would kill every other character for lex, wyd it’s only gonna get worse 😭

lmaooo okay so I got to. six. which actually kinda kills me because I swear I poured my heart and my soul into that stupid show, it drove me insane it left me a lesser person and I BARELY GOT HALFWAY

my basic analysis of the default journey with that show that I'm going to pretend is universal is like. it hooks you with something compelling in s1 and you still have enough naive faith to give it benefit of doubt that the writers actually know what they're doing, because you just wanted to have a bit of fun but, hey, these characters are actually more interesting than you expected!! then in s2 you're starting to get doubts but you're already kinda too deep. then s3 breaks your sanity and makes you scream and at this point you just see how far this shit goes. then s4 is.... mid..... but is also in a way the last remotely palpable season? and then at some point in s5 you're just like. wow I don't even enjoy the hate watching any more. and s6 is. yeah. eventually there was one storyline that is so insanely uncomfortable that it's just. enough. enough!

[mild spoilers to follow]

if s2 drives you insane on lex grounds then!! boy!! s3!! the thing about s3 from lex's pov is that. okay it's extremely angsty and does increasingly radicalise you... I have to say I started this show in a very innocent jokey 'oh ho ho I heard they have some good superman/lex luthor queerbait in that noughties show!!' and was ready to be a lex fan like. as a bit. and y'know my readiness to adopt morally dubious characters is pretty high anyway. but the first few seasons made me go?? okay but he genuinely isn't even the villain?? like I'm not even saying this for the bit, he LITERALLY is not the bad guy in this story?? guys??? and then by the end of season 3 I had been completely radicalised to the 'Actually Lex Luthor Should Turn Evil And Kill All Of You People And I Will Cheer Him On' stance. but what really, really, really kills me is that after all that, they still manage to bungle his transition to evil. like, they ignore all the very obvious reasons for why lex would turn evil after all that, and just come up with completely new ones? that have fuck all to do with this character you've been writing up to that point?

and the worst bit. the WORST bit. is that after all that, he literally does not even have fun being evil. like, you know that season one episode where he's being mind controlled and does his gay little swagger. this scene, yeah:

first of all, again, they ended up erasing lex's canonical motivation for turning evil, which is being so queer-coded he might as well be wearing a sign with slurs around his neck while he's stuck in a small town in fucking kansas. like "you think I don't see the way your parents look at me? the way half the town looks at me?" okay, great, love how this entire arc is eventually concluded by having the show say the entire town including clark's small-minded parents were 100% right to be suspicious of him, that there was something fundamentally defect with him basically from birth and he was always going to turn out to be evil. I feel like you definitely thought through the implications of what you wrote here!

but never mind all that, my actual point is that lex is having fun here!! this is one of several episodes where they're 'foreshadowing' lex turning evil by 'having a paranormal reason to make lex evil for a few minutes' (some subtle writing, this), and he's generally having a lot of fun with it!! he's leaning into the camp of it all!! he's freed from all his nasty and completely unnecessary inhibitions like 'not killing everyone in smallville' which. good. and he's just having a great time. and then he becomes a villain and he's literally just miserable all the time!! it sucks!! like omg if you're going to butcher his writing and ruin the character then at LEAST let him have some fucking fun?? at least let him experience joy at his own depravity or whatever? like he doesn't even get to do any fun villain monologues at clark, he's literally just sad clark isn't his friend any more while clark is giving him the homophobic dog slur. and then also about twice a season something paranormal happens to clark and he physically assaults lex to the point where he like, almost kills him, and then after that everyone pretends it didn't happen and clark never apologises and continues to burst into his room demanding answers. like omg?? lex, they hate you anyway, can you please just attempt to shoot clark?? also, obviously the turn to villainy should have been in large part motivated by lex finding out clark's secret and going?? the fuck is wrong with you for not just SAYING this?? (plus finding out everything clark did to lex in season three to keep his secret like it's genuinely so fucked up #lmao) but. I hate to break bad news to you about where we're at with the whole 'does lex know clark's secret yet' situation at the point where I gave up. genuinely what is the point of all this building and perfectly interesting character work if you're NEVER gonna deliver

but quite possibly an even worse sin of the later seasons that genuinely broke my brain was the treatment of lex's father. like, not to give the game away too much here, but the show's philosophical stance on rotten apples ends up being.... well. it's interesting which characters this show feels is worthy of redemption!! also interesting when they retcon several seasons of writing for the show that already very much set up why a character would actually perfectly legitimately go insane and instead settle for 'well his father sure did know there was always something wrong with him'!! watching some season 3 and season 5 episodes back to back would leave your face scarred from the amount of whiplash in the writing. the whole thing's kinda incompetent and dumb but is also like?? actively a little bit evil when you really think about the implications of what they're writing here

anyway. it's a brave stance on superman to go 'okay but what is being a superhero really about if not a whole whole lot of gaslighting'. and I do love the clark stalking room!! but the problem is, they could've played the clark/lex dynamic in a kinda tragic 'wow clark really has been so blinded by his parents that he's gonna end up destroying his relationship to lex because he just can't be honest with him and lex really needed one person in his corner who actually trusted him but clark wasn't the right person to provide that' way. they could've played it in a sort of fun 'yeah this is kinda fucked up and weird and toxic how they simply cannot stop doing dubious shit to each other' way where you just kinda roll with how terrible the whole thing is. but they don't go for either of those!! they're so stuck with treating clark's parents as the moral centre of the universe, with their "marriage is SACRED, clark" schtick and all that (yeah, there's an episode where clark gets lectured about the importance of the bond of marriage, this is a thing that happens) that they're blatantly unaware of what story they're telling but ALSO just refuse to lean into the batshit insane elements and just have!! fun!! and it's one of those things where you really do feel like an idiot for even thinking about this stupid fucking show so!! much!! but I swear, I swear they had a dynamic that hit like crazy in season one... also some of the fic out there for them is CRAZY like it kinda does make it all worth it but still!! still!! this shit infuriates me!!

anyway, here are some bonkers plot bits I remember happening in this show for you to enjoy if you continue in this endeavour:

the lex luthor slut shaming episode

clark kent slut shaming lex luthor, which is conceptually funny anyway but becomes funnier if you just read it as clark being unable to figure out he is actually just subliminally attracted to his friend. like, okay, clark being disappointed at lex for sleeping with thirteen different women, I see you

like. multiple lesbian lana moments. she's constantly getting herself in lesbian situations. and I get this is some kinda weird fanservice-y shit from the showrunners but, sue me, I thought lesbian vampire lana was cute

which is a thing that happens

they get spike from btvs to tell clark vampires aren't real, which is the one funny thing they wrote in about a season

the native american stuff is always deeply uncomfortable but it becomes even weirder when they invent some native american prophecy *deep sigh* to explain how lex was always evil

clark steals a car from lex several episodes after committing like, one of the most obscene acts of betrayal it is possible to commit against a friend (lex is unaware of this and possibly never finds out? I think the writers maybe forgot about this.) and lex is just like. it's fine <3 I know friends sometimes have to do crazy shit for other friends!! you're my friend, right?? and clark goes... yeah. sure

I vaguely remember lex buying stuff the american football high school team at some point and showing up to the lockers to give a speech and it's just?? this is right after the friendship break up and it's basically lex talking right at clark and he's talking about the importance of fresh starts and it is so fucking funny

the one episode where lana is in paris. they had built up to this for ages as like a whole thing where lana finally frees herself from that miserable town and all the people in it (don't ask how the 'lana knowing clark's secret' situation develops. it doesn't) and then she's there for. one episode

martha kent tells clark how they can't harbour illegal immigrants at one stage?? she eventually changes her mind I think but what even was that all about

the papa kent goes into politics arc. shoot me

lex becomes like. possessed by zod. which somehow manages to make everyone involved more dull

silver kryptonite makes clark paranoid, which ends up being pretty funny because he genuinely talks the exact same way

lex thinks clark can throw him across the room because he's been hypnotised

lex starts capturing various clark super powered friends and delivers these gay villain monologues to them (like genuinely, in one of them he's got shirtless aquaman strapped to a gurney and he's like, leaning over him, teasing him with a glass of water) and they're some of the best bits of the show

clark discovers the clark stalking room, which I will say was very funny

chloe basically saying lex always sends clark these massive gifts as a way of keeping his affections which?? clearly true but I thought we were keeping that the subtext

clark gatecrashes lex's wedding high on red kryptonite

one of lex's old bullies gets killed by like, a statue falling from the top of the building they're standing next to and stabbing the guy and then some of the blood splashes on lex and he's just like ?? bleh. fantastic scene

and THEN there's several scenes with his father where lex is like 'well that sure was a nice shirt :(' and lex's father is berating him for his lack of humanity. or something

there's an episode where lex is split into good lex and evil lex and it's genuinely the only worthwhile thing the show did that season. like the writing is still kinda incoherent but, crucially. it sure is fun

the spirit of lex's mum tells him she thinks he sucks

worst show in existence. I'll never forget it

[vivalas-vega]

hello again! I was the anon who asked if you were taking requests for Phoenix 💞 lord knows I've spent too much time on the #natasha trace x reader tag HAHSAHAJS tumblr needs more nat content (I'm pleading on my knees 🧎🏻‍♀️)

I was thinking about Nat having a girlfriend but struggling to come out to her friends. She has been dating reader for long enough that they've moved in together and has yet to mention to them that the reason she's been leaving the hard deck earlier than usual is because she has a girlfriend at home.

She thinks nobody suspects a thing but bob found out somehow (it's up to you) and asked her directly. She gives up the facade and tells him everything and they have a long talk about her struggles with her sexuality and her fear of coming out to her friends and actually showing off her gf. That night, she talks to her gf too and decides she's going to finally introduce reader to the dagger squad.

I would looooove to see their reactions on this, bc in my head, everyone must've thought she was into guys like hangman or whatever and she's shows up with this pretty girl by her side. They're already planning on who's gonna get her number first and nat just "uh.. guys this is my girlfriend😄"

Just super fluffy and kinda angsty too? Maybe throw in some smut if you feel like it 👀💞 It's totally up to you!!!

mwah!💋

- Syd

syd !!! thank you so much for sending this in, I absolutely loved this idea and I hope I did it justice!

The Hard Deck wasn’t as crowded as it usually was and Phoenix was grateful for the breathing room as she sipped her beer at the bar and checked her phone, letting you know she’d be leaving soon… Friday night was always bar night for the squad, a way to relax and unwind heading into the weekend after a long week of training and she really loved it… it was always fun getting to spend time with them, the squad had turned into its own little family but that didn’t stop her from always being the first to leave to get home to you as quickly as she could. 

No one knew about you yet… she’d wanted to tell the team for weeks now but every time she thought she worked up the nerve she backed out at the last minute, anxiety overruling and shutting it down before she could even get the words out. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t even notice Bob slide into the seat next to her until he was tapping her shoulder and pulling her focus back to the present.

“Hey Nat, can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked softly as she nodded, turning to give him her full attention. “Why haven’t you told anyone you have a girlfriend?” he whispered and her eyes widened at the question… she’d been thinking he might want to talk about the training exercise today, she’d made a decision in the air he didn’t agree with and it was normal for them to talk it out afterwards but this felt like Bob had dropped a bomb on her.

“What do you… how did you know?” she asked and he gave her a soft smile.

“Overheard you on the phone at lunch,” he replied and she thought back to the conversation she’d had with you… she’d laughed while you filled her in on some of your coworker’s antics and told you what time she’d be home before calling you her sweet girl and telling you how much she loved you. She’d thought she was alone in the locker room, otherwise she wouldn’t have let that slip. 

“Oh… uh, just haven’t felt ready to, I guess.” she answered and Bob nodded, giving her the space to continue when she gathered her thoughts. “I’ve gotten mixed reactions from other squads in the past and… I don’t know, we’ve just got a good thing going here and I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Why do you think you would ruin it?” he asked, genuinely interested in the answer and she sighed.

“It’s not easy… being a woman in the Navy, let alone being a gay woman in the Navy. We’ve never talked about that kind of stuff before, I don’t really know what everyone’s views on that are. My parents struggled with it when I came out to them and it’s been an issue in the past at my other stations and I guess I just didn’t want to deal with the fallout again,” she shrugged. 

“If it helps, I really don’t think anyone here would have a problem with it,” he said, and she lifted her attention from her glass to look at him questioningly. “I know we’ve never talked about it but�� I can’t see anyone on the squad treating you differently because of it. I think they might be a little shocked, but that’s mainly because of how you banter with Hangman, everyone kind of thinks you two might be a thing on the down low-”

“Wait, what?” She cut him off and his eyes widened.

“You guys just have this like… thing, you’re very competitive and playfully mean to each other, I guess some of the squad just assumed it was because you were a thing,” he explained and she chuckled as she shook her head. “But once they get over the shock of being wrong, I think they’d be happy for you.”

“I just don’t know what I’d do if it doesn’t go that way. I’ve tried to get to a place where I don’t care if people aren’t accepting but… I’m just not there yet,” she sighed.

“I understand… I mean, as well as I can understand. It can’t be easy but you shouldn’t have to hide who you are, and I can at least speak for myself when I say I’m really happy for you… but I really think they’d like to meet her, they’re probably going to figure it out anyways because they all want to know what has you slipping out early every night. Whatever you decide, I’m in your corner… if you don’t want to, your secret’s safe with me,” he said, giving her a soft smile and a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder before he rejoined the group to leave her alone with her thoughts. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to introduce you to them, she really did… she’d told you everything she knew about each of them and you’d expressed your interest in tagging along one night but were understanding when she said she wasn’t ready for that yet.

If she had it her way she’d be screaming from the rooftops how in love with you she was… she’d invite the squad over so they could try your amazing cooking, and you’d be by her side every Friday night but there was truly no way to know how everyone else would feel until she came clean, and that idea absolutely terrified her.

“Hey honey, I’m home!” Phoenix called out as you heard her keys rattle against the dish on the entryway table and you padded down the hallway to greet her with a warm smile.

“Hey Nat, how was work today?” you asked, giving her a sweet peck on her lips before watching her pull her boots off and you immediately noticed the slump in her shoulders. “Are you okay?”

She nodded and gave you a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes as she grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the couch, “Bob found out about us.”

“Yeah? What’d he say?” you asked as the two of you sat beside each other and you instantly pulled her legs over your lap. 

“He was really supportive, he said I should tell everyone else,” she sighed.

“How do you feel about that? Are you ready?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know… once I open that can of worms it’s not like I can stuff it back in,” she said and you nodded, your thumb rubbing reassuring circles against her uniform-clad thigh. “It’s not that I don’t want to… I don’t want you to think for a minute it’s because I want to hide you, I just don’t want it to blow up in my face.”

“I never thought that sweetheart,” you said with a reassuring smile. “I know it’s hard, and I know you’ve been burned before in previous squads but you speak so highly of them… from what I’ve heard they all sound like really great people and I think it would be good to finally clue them in,” you said. “You know I’m okay either way, it’s at your pace, Nat… but this has been stressing you out ever since you got permanently stationed here, and they are probably going to find out sooner or later… I think you might feel better if you get to control the conversation instead of more people piecing it together like Bob did.” She knew you were right… you always were, it really was only a matter of time. Sure, Bob was the most observant of everyone else so she couldn’t be surprised he was the first one to piece it together but it’s not like her squad was stupid. “It’s up to you, but I think you should get it over with. Just rip off the bandaid and whatever happens we’ll deal with it together just like we always do.”

She gave you a soft smile, the first real one of the evening as she looked at you with nothing but love in her eyes, “what do you think about meeting me at The Hard Deck after work next week?”

“I think that’s a really great idea,” you answered, leaning in to press your lips to hers. 

“I really love you, you know that?” she asked and you nodded with a chuckle.

“I know, I love you too.” 

The entire week leading up to their usual hangout at the bar had Phoenix on edge… logically she knew you and Bob were right, but she just couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that had settled deep in her bones as the day creeped closer and closer. She didn’t want to call it off (though she’d thought about it a dozen times), she had to stick with it and follow through otherwise she never would and as she stood around the pool table with the rest of the boys she honestly felt like she might throw up.

“You good, Nix?” Hangman asked, looking her over curiously, “worried I’m going to kick your ass again?” He gestured over to the pool table and she just rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know what you mean by again, you’ve never beaten me,” she replied and he scoffed. “Revisionist history, I see how it is,” he teased and when the bar door swung open she whipped her head around to see you walking in looking as beautiful as ever… you were wearing her favorite dress of yours, a simple little wrap dress that really brought out your eyes and she couldn’t help the smile that overtook her face but no one around her could notice as they all stared at you too. 

“Damn, she is gorgeous,” Rooster said, eyes tracking you as you scanned the bar and Hangman just shoved his shoulder.

“In your dreams, Chicken, watch how the professionals do it,” he said, straightening his posture as he started to move towards you but he stopped in his tracks when recognition flashed over your face and watched as you walked directly towards their group. You gave her a bright smile, not standing too close and waiting to see how she wanted to proceed… you didn’t want to toss her into the deep end by planting a kiss on those lips you loved so much (despite how you really wanted to) and you watched as she laughed nervously, grabbing your hand as she introduced you.

“This is my girlfriend,” she said, squeezing your hand and waiting for everyone’s reaction and you watched the variety of emotions that passed over their faces before they all seemed to put the pieces together in their heads and soon they were giving you big smiles and extending their hands as they told you their callsigns. 

“Well, I see why she’s been hiding you away… you are beautiful,” Bob said with a genuine smile and you chuckled as you shook his hand. 

“How long have you two been together?” Rooster asked and Phoenix shifted her weight nervously.

“A few years,” she answered and you bit back a smile at their shocked expressions.

“Years? Nix, why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Hangman asked, and you thought the concern in his voice was out of character for him… well, as much as you knew about his character from what she had told you. 

“I uh.. Well, I didn’t know how you guys would react,” she said honestly with a shrug and you saw the understanding pass over their features.

“Phoenix…” Rooster said, giving her a sad look before wrapping an arm around her. “I’m sorry if anyone ever gave you the impression you couldn’t tell us,” he said and she shook her head.

“No one did… it’s just, not necessarily a well-recepted thing in the Navy even though times are changing.” she replied.

“Well I speak for everyone when I say the squad just gained its newest member… and if anyone has a problem with that I will not-so-kindly throw you overboard,” Hangman said as he slung an arm over your shoulders. “You and I have much to catch up on, I want all the details,” he said and you chuckled as you walked down to the bar with him. You knew Phoenix would have nothing to worry about, you could tell from your after-work conversations she immensely respected all of them (even Hangman) and after meeting them you honestly felt like she might have been selling them short all this time. The way they welcomed you with open arms had your chest feeling warm and you could just tell it was all genuine as Hangman started talking your ear off and ordering you a beer.

You’d been passed around from person to person all night, barely getting a moment alone with your girlfriend but that was fine with you… you knew the novelty of a new person hanging around would wear off and they were all just excited to get to know you. 

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” you asked when Fanboy finally relinquished you from the very intense discussion you’d both had about Star Wars. You wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her into you, smiling softly as she melted against you.

“Good. So good, you were right… I should have gotten this over with sooner. I love seeing you with them,” she said and you pressed a kiss to her lips. 

“And I love getting to know them. It doesn’t matter if I was right, you needed to do this when you were ready to,” you said and she just beamed at you before pulling you back in and kissing you passionately… earning some whistles and cheers from her friends and making your cheeks burn.

“I love you so damn much, you know that?” she asked and you nodded as you giggled.

“Yeah, I know. I love you too,” you said, pecking her lips once more before dragging her over to the dartboard where Hangman had all but promised to take it easy on you (you didn’t believe him one bit). Phoenix had found her family, and you were so grateful to now be a part of that.

taglist: @callsignspirit @thegodessc @failuretothrivesstuff @olliepig @cruelmissdior @underaveragefangirl @grxcieluvr (if your username is struck through it means I couldn't tag you - sorry!)

[absolutebl]

Love your blog! Do you have any recs for people (me!) who liked: Tale of 1000 Stars, Unknown, Moonlight Chicken, Secret Crush on You, My Beautiful Man, Be My Favorite, Sing My Crush, and We Are (Cute), please? I disliked My Stand In, Love Sea, and Only Friends. I tend to like character driven instead of plot driven stories, and please, no silly misunderstandings or misguided noble morons who break up because a parent suggests it!

Do I detect... a challenge? *rubs hands together* we are playing my favorite game.

Okay, likes:

Tale of 1000 Stars

Unknown

Moonlight Chicken

Secret Crush on You

My Beautiful Man

Be My Favorite

Sing My Crush

We Are

I crossed out the ones that don't fit the trend (outliers) and congratz your wheelhouse is:

moody, atmospheric, angsty, tiny bit cerebral, bit gritty, higher production value, soft focus, lower heat levels but yearning, bit of domesticity, acting chops

Dislikes: My Stand In, Love Sea, Only Friends

Okay not too far into angst, no nasty characters, no dubious tropes or anti-heros, no mame, no high heat, university or older. CHECK! Got it.

Ready?

Right in your damn wheelhouse:

The 8th Sense

(20 points to whoever knew that would be my pull out the gate)

One of the longest BLs Korea has given us (like Blueming) and it feels more atmospheric gay coming of age romance than strictly BL. It’s got a bit of an age gap, country boy/city boy, stellar acting, complex characters, and leads with great chemistry and tension. It’s a bit chewy and sticky and less perfect than most KBLs (do I detect a touch of Taiwan?) This one deployed BL tropes (messy eater, shoulder sleep, protective seme, there’s even some hyung-slinging) but front loaded them with painful backstory and then a ton of angst to drive the 2nd half. This isn’t in the KBL bubble, there’s sharp edges and lots of triggers. For a BL the darkness of the content left me feeling unsettled (which is the only reason it didn't get a perfect score) but it does have a glorious ending and that counts for a lot.

I think you'd really love this one.

Trigger warnings - suicide, loss of a family member.

Blueming

It’s a tiny bit dark and a tiny bit bittersweet, almost too honest to a university experience and first love (for BL), but if you want your mind ever-so-slightly messed with and your intimacy hellishly sweet, this BL will do it for you in a coldly distant manner, while bitch slapping you with self worth issues. I wasn’t into it at first, but the leads are solid and by ep 5 it got really good, becoming a narrative about self discovery meets understanding and accepting others people’s flaws without hurting them. Ultimately, we witnessed two characters maturing because of each other and their mutual affection, without that affection becoming the conflict point. Instead, tension was built around other aspects of identity, popularity, and self-worth. While production values were a touch lower than usual for Korea, Blueming included decent kisses and beyond plus a satisfying ending and come judicious and very elegant use of tropes. It is, in the end, simply a great BL.

Also Bleuming paved the road for 8th Sense and other gritty KBL to follow.

Love For Love's Sake

Isekai-based KBL is about a man who must win a game by convincing a reserved teen outcast to fall in love with him. Of course, that teen represents himself and his own unhappiness. Like many queer narratives, this show is actually about self worth, trust, and found family, and it is VERY on the nose. But I don’t expect subtlety from my BL and I enjoyed it's truly lovely redemption arc and earnest performances. I personally found the narrative a touch disjointed with overworked filming angles and poorer than average captions, but the consistency of tone, script, and immersion is beyond the norm for BL. You will drown in this show and like it that way. The leads have fantastic chemistry and it's ultimately highly rewatchable and utterly charming, which counts for a lot.

Trigger warning - suicide.

Unintentional Love Story

OMG the plot! Uke forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the PAIN in those gorgeous eyes. Gah. Okay, so: A boy loses his job due to trumped-up corruption charges accidentally discovers his ex-boss's favorite artist, now a recluse. Evil manager offers him his job back, if he can convince the artist to rejoin society. Instead, they fall in love. I found the artist a bit stiff and reserved but Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT - he carried this show (which I do not expect from the idol element). He was luminous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, just drown in the emoting abyss. The external conflict, social tension and pressure is complex and beautifully executed, plus Korea gave us legit side dishes (NOT a love triangle, hally-fucking-luya).

My Personal Weatherman AKA Taikan Yoho

You mentioned My Beautiful Man so if you're feel like that energy, grown up, watch this. It's a style of live action yaoi really only works from Japan. Basically: boys who fell in love in college end up living together but both are so repressed they actually don't realize they're in love. It's higher heat than we usually get from Japan's HEA stuff, and that part is also very well done, but it leaned into the "why don't they just talk for fuck's sake?" trope which is only exacerbated into undiluted frustration by the fact that they're already fucking. However, that's angst for Japan. And you like angst. Honestly? It's great, but watching requires more patience than usual, even for Japan.

My Ride

Thai BL grew up with this pulp (the first ever to make my end of year top 10). It’s a truly lovely and special little show featuring the extremely rare pairing of sunshine/sunshine (AKA a cinnamon roll couple) plus mature explorations of relationships using one of the softest, sweetest and most innocent friends to lovers vehicles. Kindly, overworked doctor meets broken-hearted motorcycle taxi driver in an “other side of the tracks” slow burn romance. The support cast is excellent, making for great friendship groups and family dynamics. With honest queer rep that adds to, but doesn’t impede, the story, and genuine conversation about the nature of class, wealth, and classism, not to mention communication, honesty, and respect for boundaries, you can’t go wrong with this show. In other news, I am a sucker for a single dimple.

It won't have the production values you're used to but it is a great show.

A Breeze of Love

Tsundere insomniac grump reunited with his sunshine jock ex (human sleeping pill) who now hates him. Basketball is also involved. While the simplicity of a reunion plot makes this more cohesive than most KBLs, it is a tad stiff and slow, never managing to lift itself out of "pretty, angsty, and pretty enjoyable." I liked it more than I thought I would, and think about it more too. 

Jazz for Two

This was basically what I wanted from Given and didn’t get. So I’m pleased. A solid enemies to lovers BL, where the sins of brothers' past haunts the present. Great optics, decent chemistry, and a tidy script even if tsundere characterization went a bit extreme in some cases.

Trigger warning - suicide.

Like In The Movies AKA Gaya Sa Pelikula

Karl, a student living alone, runs short of funds and ends up becoming housemates with Vald an out and proud chaos gay. This leads Karl into an identity crisis and journey of self discovery. This kind of forced proximity trope is really common in BL, but what Gaya does is handle it in a messy honestly queer way. It includes Vlad’s attitude in response to Karl’s shaken behavior and the frustration many out queers feel. For that alone it has to be applauded.

DNA Says Love You

DNA deserves extra marks for an upbeat approach to a queer story arc that other shows have systemically mishandled with sadness (in the guise of realism). There is a twist, which I found predictable, but knowing what would happen didn't spoil this show. The leads are luminous and engaging, and it’s full of queer found family representation and an unexpected amount of domesticity, plus it’s Taiwan, so the kisses are great. The first few eps are rough going but PLEASE have patience, it's worth it I promise! The second half is really special and life/love affirming - and the end is big-grin charming.

My Tooth Your Love

Earnest dentist hottie with sad eyes who worries too much is smitten by an adorable sunshine neurotic bar owner with serious anxiety issues. They fall madly in love while courting each other with food, plushies, and naps. Then, shocker, talk about their feelings and try to actually sort out their problems so they can have an adult relationship. Bonus crumbs = 18 year old poor little rich kid in mad crush with a much older man. I really enjoyed this show, it had a unique premise, killer dialogue, there was a solid lead pair with charming chemistry, soft flirtation, delightful smiling kisses, and stinkingly cute domesticity. All that said, I wasn’t wild about some of the darker themes it explored, even though it did a good job with them. And while the sides were adorable, they were underused. In the land of May/December, baby boy kabedon is my kryptonite! Why so little of it? (Kabedon is My Kryptonite = also the name of my indie band’s first single.)

Trigger warning - parental abuse.

The Eclipse

GMMTV does gay Blacklist with a good boy/bad boy pairing. This is a good show but the cast is excellent and the leads are absolutely flawless, which elevates it beyond just good. We got a nuanced and multifaceted burgeoning relationship: philosophical (and socio-political) conflict contrasted to moments of empathy; flirtation contrasted to moments of genuine affection, plus plenty of angst. This narrative is less about love than it is about courage and tenderness. However, near the end the pacing was off and the plot frustrating. Still, this is an enjoyable watch, with a finale that features verbal consent and a fun blooper reel.

Never Let Me Go

Bodyguard romance where poor boy must watch over rich boy for family obligation reasons. Simple premise well executed with a few bumps that made it feel like it was trying to tackle too much (when it wasn’t). Still, an enjoyable show that benefited from being handed to PondPhuwin who did a stellar job with their roles and chemistry. Of GMMTV handing out new series to established pairs in 2023 this is one of the most successful IMHO. It's typically Thai in that it's a bit bloated and has a confusing plot, but at least it HAD a plot and the central relationship is solid and loyal. The Our Skyy 2 follow up is great too. And very much adds to the cannon in a fun way rather than feeling superfluous - making this show ultimately 14 eps rather than 12.

Some real oddball and sophisticated suggestions

Addicted (original)

When Chinese BL was good it was very dirty good and when it was bad it was censored. This is the model for that statement: rich kid falls madly for the genius poor kid in his class, starts an aggressive pursuit, includes kidnapping for love, obsession, stepbrother trope, plus some cheating. I love this BL because of what I could have been. Just stop watching it after The Sex Scene. Okay?

It might not be right in your wheelhouse but what even fans forget about is how stunning the atmosphere is with this show. I mean we can feel the cold and the grunge. When they living poor it's REAL poor. It's a super immersive show. Unforgettable.

Began Beginning

Childhood best friends must come to terms with their own identities and true feelings for each other when a new boy comes to town, putting them into conflict with their families and ultimately, each other. For the first half of this show there’s a lot of sitting across from each other and talking about life choices over yummy food and then going to tourist spots (mildly boring and not particularly important to the plot). It changed tone about 2/3 in to be way more of a coming out family drama about forced marriages and homophobia. And then at the very end it changed again, becoming a full on soap opera with kidnapping, crazy characterization shifts, and rescue missions. All in all? It was a wild raw creature to consume as a binge. No kisses since this is Myanmar, but a very romantic end, so I think maybe actually worth your time? I'm certainly glad I watched it.

Stay Still

What to say about this offering from Hong Kong? It’s different, a mix of early CBL, Taiwanese shorts, and Pinoy visuals. It felt like the story was 2 independent shorts that had been lengthen and then stuck together, and I wish they'd been approached as separate and tighter entities. Nevertheless, this was a complex little piece, interesting in a sweaty grungy way, with a certain aura of queer authenticity that made it simultaneously tense, unpredictable, and refreshing. I’m not sure I would necessarily call it BL, but any county’s early foray into the genre usually starts out this way, so perhaps nascent BL? Worth watching, especially if you enjoy stuff from the Philippines and Taiwan.

On the lighter end but probably still in your wheelhouse

I Cannot Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai

Classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen. Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way. This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt almost honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen.

To My Star

Hwang Da Seul directs this show about a neurotic actor (actual puppy) who takes refuge with a grumpy chef resulting in sparks, cooking lessons, and LOVE! It’s is a touch quirky to get into, but utterly charming once it hits its stride. This is the ultimate grumpy/sunshine pairing plus the most appealing light-filled kitchen of our dreams. I adore this show so much. Limited use of BL tropes makes this feel more of a sweet contemporary gay romance between an actor plagued by scandal and the grumpy chef who adopts him, but the gentleness will appeal to fans of the BL genre.

Old Fashion Cupcake

This show had me from the moment they broke the egg yolk with the chopsticks in the opening credits. It’s about a younger man with a long cherished crush on his boss (ten years older and going through a mid life crisis) who decides to save and seduce said boss with pancakes. It’s wholesome, comforting, sexy, and a very necessary narrative about still having hope, interests, and openness to affection at any age. It’s a stunningly filmed late-in-life comg of age/queerness story packaged in a subtle critique of expectations around masculinity, love, and loneliness... and it’s beautiful.

Cherry Magic (Thai remake) - this is my We Are & SCOY match pull

A soft charming warm hug of a show about crushes and mind reading and self worth that really worked for me. With no-fuss execution from a consummate team (at GMMTV) and an OG lead pair (proving why they remain eternal and deserve to grow up). Look, here’s the thing, Cherry Magic is a great Thai BL in its own right - not comparing it to any other iteration. But even when I do compare (and I've seen all the Cherries and read the manga) it stand strong. I, personally, like the Thai BL slightly better than the Japanese live action yaoi, but I think that’s because I just really enjoy Thai BL's style and I LOVE TayNew. Also all the kissing was both present and better in this version. As it should be from Thailand.

Make a Wish

A doctor who can see the dead strikes a bargain with a wish-granting irreverent tree angel - naturally they fall in love (from Sammon: Manner of Death & Triage). Stars Fluke Natouch opposite not Ohm, but who cares because Fluke has chemistry with everybody. Once again the Thai afterlife is incredibly bureaucratic but I enjoyed the premise and the unfolding of the story (it’s not predictable but still satisfying and with nice little twist). I like that the doctor is just gay AF - fag hag bestie and made of swagger. The cast is excellent but the comedic stylings are a bit overblown and tonally off. It has sad parts and did make me cry but is ultimately happy with a great sex scene, good smiley kisses, and all the agency.

I thought about it but I'm not sure

still you can put these on your "maybe" list

Until We Meet Again

I Feel You Linger in the Air

La Pluie

Restart After Come Back Home

His the movie

Life: Love on the Line

Perfect Propose

Tokyo in April is

Love is Better the Second Time Around

Ocean Likes Me

My Only 12%

After Sundown

I Told Sunset About You

These might be a bit too cerebral, dark, and/or plot-heavy for you. But are worth it if you feel in the mood for something very chewy.

Currently airing

It's set in high school but it scratches the Unknown itch:

The On1y One

Sirs not appearing on this list but if you follow my blog and ask me for tips it's kind of required watching:

Seven Days.

Because everyone should watch it no matter what your taste. So there.

(source)

[magnorious]

The Reveal that Changed Percy Jackson

*Spoiler Alert*

I’m talking about the Nico vs Cupid scene in book 8, House of Hades. I picked this scene, even though there were a great many in the original series that defined Percy Jackson as a story far more meaningful than just “cool tweenage demigods with magic and superpowers who fight evil”.

When this book came out, Nico vs Cupid was almost all anyone talked about. Why? Because Nico came out. Nico, an explicitly gay character in a book published by Disney, in a rather high profile series. Nico, the little angsty brat displaced from the timeline, comes out of nowhere with a world-shattering reveal.

House of Hades is already the darkest book in the series and, I think, the most polished and successful with this tone and how it feels so complete. While Percy and Annabeth are in Tartarus, the constant clever and horrific callbacks to quests from prior books quite literally come back to haunt them. The others trying to carry on without them, the ridiculously high personal stakes, the drama, the storytelling, it spares no expense in this book.

The Nico vs Cupid scene was something else, though, and all these years later… I’m not so sure it was done for the better.

—

Independent of the Big Reveal, this scene does a lot of things we’d never seen before in this series, namely this: Cupid is scary, and no one expected him to be.

Percy Jackson, though it does have its serious moments, is the series where the god of wine wears leopard print shirts and the god of the seas has a fishing chair for a throne. These characters quip and joke even when they’re trying to be intimidating and Percy’s personality, snarky and sassy and very rarely shooting straight, undercuts a lot of the attempts at looking competent and threatening (and we love him for it).

They’ve fought gods and monsters and demigods and characters have died really tragic deaths, but for the most part, these serious moments all come when we expect them to.

This scene comes out of nowhere and for anyone who hasn’t read the book in a while, here’s the context: Percy and Annabeth are in Tartarus and Nico is kind of the de-facto leader in their absence, knowing the most about Tartarus of the remaining crew. He and Jason are sent on a side quest to go retrieve the Staff of Diocletian from Cupid and Nico is not at all happy about this venture, but we don’t know why beyond that he’s Nico and he’s never happy.

Right out of the gate, Cupid is not at all who we expect him to be and this fight scene, absent of Percy, is suddenly very serious. Cupid doesn’t quip, he doesn’t show himself, and he fights dirty. The god of love, not the god of war or anything we expect to be violent and dangerous.

He’s whispering in characters’ heads, throwing them around like ragdolls, and taunting Nico ceaselessly all in Jason’s POV. Cupid gets some seriously badass lines, too.

“I’ve been to Tartarus and back,” Nico snarled. “You don’t scare me.” I scare you very, very much. Face me. Be honest.

Love is no game! It is no flowery softness! It is hard work—a quest that never ends. It demands everything from you—especially the truth. Only then does it yield rewards.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say Love always makes you happy.” [Cupid's] voice sounded smaller, much more human. “Sometimes it makes you incredibly sad. But at least you’ve faced it now. That’s the only way to conquer me.”

In all this, unfortunately in Jason POV, we’re primed only once by a previous god finally acknowledging that gays exist in this universe. This universe, based on Greek Mythology, famous for its not-straightness. Even then, audiences have spent 7 and a half books accepting that there won’t be any gays. No one is expecting this from Nico.

So when it comes, when Nico reveals he has a crush on Percy… the fandom lost our minds.

—

And I’m not so sure that’s a good thing, looking back. On the one hand, obligatory “we need representation,” but on the other, there was this one reviewer who knew what was up long before anyone else did.

She’d said something along the lines of raising damning concerns that Nico’s entire character arc was now defined by his homosexuality, that this scene frames all his anger, all his hate, all his rage and depression, about this one aspect of his character, and diminishes him because of it.

All these years later, I’m disappointed to say I agree with her.

This book series’ only major canonical gay (so far) is forced out of the closet with a proverbial gun to his head

Now, Nico likely never would have come out without that gun, but the way it happened, especially in front of Jason who he’s not friends with, showing Jason his memories because it’s not Nico’s POV and Jason has to see somehow because Nico sure won’t detail those scenes himself is... not good?

Jason handles it well, as well as he can given that this is Nico, and Cupid is an explicit villain so him forcing Nico out is in-character and not my problem. The narrative forcing Nico out is the problem—that this is a big reveal both to Jason and the audience is the problem.

The book isn’t new and with respect to when it was written and who wrote it, it’s not a terrible scene or terrible representation. But it’s not just forcing Nico out of the closet, either.

All of Nico’s character development is retroactively pinned on his sexuality

I get it. Nico’s… 14? 14 and from an era where being who he is was a death sentence, with zero education on the matter. Internalized homophobia is a thing (though Nico doesn’t actually seem to hate himself for being gay, he hates himself for crushing on Percy. Nor does he hate other gays or the concept).

Nico, though, is the one demigod who can summon any ghost he could dream up to teach him to hate himself a little less. He could have summoned the ghost of Freddie Mercury and what a dazzling mentorship that would have been.

The way the scene is framed makes it look like all of Nico’s rage comes from this one relationship, when it comes from so much more. He’s a son of Hades, a god no one trusts or likes and is synonymous with death, evil, and deceit. His sister, his last living relative, died on a quest as just a teenager. He has no friends at camp, powers that scare people, and is almost a century removed from everything and everyone he knew in his old life.

And he went and left camp *only* because of his crush on Percy? Not for any other reason?

When he does get his crush on Will, that only makes it worse. Nico did have friends, even if he didn’t believe it. He did have Percy and he’d earned the respect of his fellow campers after the Battle of Manhattan. He back-slid in HOH for this reveal, as if a romance is the only thing that could make him happy.

Cupid’s message is the narrative’s message: The only way to conquer love is to face it [in combat]

With a gun to his head, in front of a veritable stranger, instead of in, I don’t know, therapy with Apollo? There couldn’t have been any other way to fit this reveal in? He couldn’t have made his own group therapy session with other ghosts? Persephone or Demeter never sat this boy down for The Talk with a literal captive audience?

And that it’s a “reveal” at all, in incredibly dramatic fashion, a plot twist for shock value. The book couldn’t drop hints in Nico POV? Couldn’t casually state it anywhere at any time in the previous 3 books? Couldn’t treat it at all like this is normal and not a life-or-death situation?

I just feel bad for the kid. Nico can’t be the only demigod who has a guilty, unrequited crush. Cupid is forcing this out of him because that crush happens to be on another boy.

It’s in Jason’s POV

This world shattering, deeply personal reveal, and the character who’s having it isn’t even the narrator. Jason is a fine character and I know why it’s him out of everyone who could have gone with Nico, but this should have been solely Nico’s moment, not Jason’s commentary about Nico’s moment, being a non-consenting voyeur into Nico’s very personal memories about Percy.

Even if it’s not Jason’s POV to retain the surprise, it certainly starts to feel like Jason’s POV to retain the surprise. Jason can still be present, but even then—Cupid needed Nico to face Cupid, not Cupid and Jason.

—

It sucks because the scene as a whole, removed from the context, is incredible. The choreography, the pacing, the intensity of the battle, Cupid as a villain and Nico and Jason’s desperation to just stay alive.

Its impact on the series can’t be ignored. Blood of Olympus is no one’s favorite. It’s a terrible last book and not all that great as a book, period, but the ending?

Among other travesties, Nico confronts Percy, tells him he had a crush on him, and then *immediately* starts pining after Will. Percy doesn’t get the chance to talk to him, stunned at this reveal. They never have a heartfelt conversation about it, what this means for their friendship, how Percy never noticed or how this makes him feel, if he’s at all guilty for potentially leading Nico on and being a bad friend.

We get none of that. Nico just finds a pretty blond boy after, what, four years pining after Percy? One awful confrontation with Cupid and a few lines of dialogue traded with Jason and all his angst and moodiness is cured off-screen.

Can’t Nico go five minutes where he figures out who he is before he’s trading one crush for another? Can he not define himself independently of who he likes for just a couple chapters? He tells Jason after the Cupid fight that he’s over it, but… c’mon, he’s absolutely lying there, or he wouldn’t have been so hurt and upset and hesitant to reveal himself.

I love that he’s popular now, I love that he does have a healthy relationship (one that eclipsed the whole fandom for better or for worse), but the way he went about becoming popular still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Nico did walk so the rest of the series' extended universe could run. We did get Solangelo, we got Apollo being Apollo, we got a world based off Greek Mythology that stops straight-washing history. It's just a shame that he had to be forced out the way he did, and that his whole character is now defined by his relationship with Will.

[pinazee]

Theres Something About Mira

Aka

KERRY FUCKING WASHINGTON

Lets talk about Mira! To be honest, the first time i watched it she was so over the top it was a bit distracting, but now it just comes across as delightfully ridiculous like the rest of the show. Her character is pretty interesting though, and could have really been fleshed out into a love interest for Gus instead of a plot device. I actually think she could have been good for him because she’d push him outside his comfort zone (like shawn does. Theres an interesting parallel happening with them- fun-loving, adventurous, irresponsible, can’t stay in one job). Sidenote, do you think she actually called Gus 100 times after he broke it off, or do you think he ghosted her because he was scared to confront her? Anyways, it wouldn’t last, but it could have been interesting to see if they could come to a compromise. Plus i feel like her and Shawn would really get along, and it would’ve been fun to see him play the responsible one to her chaos, since he’s usually the chaos master, and it’d be funny to see Shawn doing everything he could to avoid being in the same room as her mother.

it’s so weird to remember there was a whole period of Shawn and Gus’s life where they weren’t always together. I wonder how hard that was for them to separate for the first time in their lives. I have this whole headcanon (slightly angsty) that shawn was visiting him so much at school that people thought he was living in the dorm room instead of Gus, and Gus basically told shawn he needed space to become his own man without him sucking the air out of the room in like the heat of the moment (which gus regretted immediately). And shawn obliged and took off for all his side jobs. But without a cell phone, gus had no way to contact him and had to wait for the postcards to find out where he’d been until Shawn eventually called him (likely from mexico), and Gus apologized and shawn laughs it off like he hadn’t been thinking about it the whole time, and tells him to forget about it. Then they just pretend like it never happened. This would kind of explain why neither of them know about each others early 20’s college age life. Gus didn’t know about Shawns stint at the museum, and then of course, Gus didn’t tell Shawn about Mira (or the acapella group he was in, in a later ep).

OW

Lassies a little bitch in this ep haha but I’ll tell ya what, I love when two people are arguing about who does something better and then a third person comes along and blows them both out of the water and they both have to tuck their tails between their legs ;)

Dulé has some of the best line deliveries in the show! The way he says “you’re trying to tell me you went skydiving with a rabbi?” Is so goddamn funny. He’s such a great co-star for james because he can shine all on his own and doesn’t fade into the background which i think would be easy to do when you have a lead who is both the brains, the cool, and the funny at the same time. I think on a less sophisticated show Gus would’ve been the straight man, the one putting up with his antics and wrangling him in, and thats it. But he’s his own person and gets to be funny and the straight man when the times calls and it never feels out of character. Dulé, 👏👏

P.S I hope to god we meet Gay Andy someday

[slveepyscwrs]

Are you serious about the writing fics...if so a Kuroo x reader Angst fight breakup pleeeaaase😭

When it comes to writing fics about gay volleyball boys, my friend, I'm always serious... 💅✨

Anyways, I hope this angsty breakup fic hits you in the feels as much as it did for me!

(I really enjoyed writing this, so to everyone, let me know if you want a part two– Should Kuroo reconcile, or should Kenma save the reader?)

Without further ado, let's get into your request! (This will also be cross posted to AO3!)

A Love I Never Knew

Summary: All of your heart was with the one person you adored the most, Kuroo Tetsurou. When things started to turn dark for you, you were sure that he would be there. You trusted him, you confided in him, and yet the result of that was the appearance of his true self– one that you never could have imagined in your wildest dreams, or more accurately, your darkest nightmares...

Info/Warnings: gender neutral reader, breakups, cliffhanger ending, aggressiveness, emotional breakdowns, self-esteem issues

“Are you okay?”

When it came to being asked that question, lately, you honestly didn’t know how to respond. Of course, you knew what to say: “I’m fine!”

Your self esteem, on the other hand, told an entirely different story.

You just couldn’t bring yourself to look in the mirror lately. No matter which way you looked at it, you couldn’t consider yourself beautiful. In your eyes, there were so many imperfections on your face, your body, everywhere.

To make matters worse, you had been losing sleep over it too. You had lost a lot of your previous cheerful spirit, as your eyelids began to sag.

Soon, your insecurities about your appearance were beginning to affect other parts of your life too. You couldn’t focus in class or in social activities anymore, because you felt like you weren’t good enough in anything.

Now, you were even beginning to feel like you weren’t good enough in your own relationship too. Kuroo was so cool, so intelligent, so confident… and you were just an awkward, scrawny introvert.

Basically, this was the exact opposite of him.

“Kuroo deserves way better than me…”

This was the thought that was running on repeat in your mind, as you slumped down on the couch in yours and his shared apartment. Your face was buried in your hands, as an even darker than usual cloud hung over your head today.

Kuroo didn’t know about any of this yet. He was always so upbeat and lively, and you didn’t want to put a damper on that with your trivial troubles.

This wasn’t all that possible for you at the moment, though. The concerns about you and your usefulness to Kuroo only got worse. Since this could affect your relationship, maybe now was finally the time to come clean to him.

“He’s always so carefree… He’ll know what to do, and maybe I won’t have to worry anymore…”

You were still anxious about telling him as you waited for him to come home from volleyball practice, but at the same time, you were confident that he could lighten your mood.

As a result, your eyes remained fixed on that door in a desperate anticipation. You didn’t even turn on the TV or browse through your phone to kill time until he came back like you usually did.

You needed Kuroo. In fact, today was probably the day you needed him the most.

When the door finally did swing open, your expression brightened a little. You were still shaking from the anxiety, but you were relieved that he was here at last.

“Baby, you’re home!” You jumped up to greet him.

Kuroo, on the other hand, didn’t seem nearly as enthusiastic. He wore his towel around the back of his neck, dripping sweat with an exhausted expression on his face.

This made sense for him. He didn’t like to show it to others, but you knew that he could get really wiped out when practices got intense.

Still, you knew that this was urgent, so you hoped to get his attention nonetheless.

“Practice was rough today, huh?”

“Hm, yeah. Definitely.” He nodded in agreement, but still didn’t make eye contact with you.

“How are the others?” Kuroo loved to crack jokes about his teammates, so you thought that this might snap him out of it.

“They’re alright. Annoying and chaotic as ever.” He still completely ignored you and brushed you off, and began to trudge off to the room that you two slept together in.

Your heart was beating fast under the weight of your feelings, so as much as you wanted to let him rest, you needed to talk to him. Therefore, you ran after him to make him talk to you.

“Hey, is something wrong?” You said this in a caring and concerned voice. He did seem really, really tired, but he usually wasn’t this low on energy. Despite everything you were going through, you also wanted to be there to listen to him if something was wrong.

What Kuroo said next, however, was something that made your face drop.

“Nothing’s wrong! I don’t need to be interrogated right now, love. Just leave me alone, ugh.”

Now, this sounded much more like he was annoyed with you rather than just being tired. You hadn’t meant to ‘interrogate’ him, you just wanted to know about his day.

He never reacted this badly before. Something was definitely on his mind, and you had the feeling that it had more to do with you than with volleyball.

“I’m really sorry… It’s just, I needed to talk with you about something.” You squeaked out in a lower tone, now becoming increasingly afraid of what his reaction would be.

“Fine, but make it quick, I have other things to do… Come to think of it, what is the matter with you today?”

Unlike you, his tone wasn’t filled with nearly as much care. It was like talking to you was a chore that he had no choice but to complete.

Taking a deep breath, you attempted to pour out your heart into words.

“It’s just that I don’t feel good enough… I don’t feel pretty enough, my personality isn’t good enough… And now I feel like I’m not good enough for you.” By the time you finished, your breath was shaky and uneven.

You still had some slight hope that this would make him soften up, but unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the case.

“What’s with all this sappy stuff? Jeez, you’re acting crazy! You used to not give a shit…” He was massaging his forehead in a way that was intentional, making it clear to you that you were the one giving him that headache.

“No… That’s because I was just hiding it from you…”

“Well, what do you expect me to do about it?”

His tone was becoming harsher and harsher, while yours became softer and softer. This sudden change was literally taking your breath away, and not in a good way.

“Um… you are my boyfriend…” You looked up at him with eyes gone wide with fear, shame, and embarrassment.

This gaze only exacerbated Kuroo’s annoyance. He rolled his eyes, and moved his lips silently in a way that was mocking the way you spoke.

“Yeah, I’m your boyfriend, not your goddamn therapist.”

This was the final nail in your heart, shattering it into pieces. The carefree, lighthearted Kuroo that you had fallen in love with just wasn’t that same person anymore. As you realised this, tears began to sting at the corners of your eyes.

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. At least answer the question, please… Am I good enough for you, Kuroo? I’m so sorry…” 

At this point, your voice was barely audible. You hardly knew what to say. Everything that you thought you knew about Kuroo was changing so quickly.

He had begun to turn around and go to the bedroom anyway, but at these words, he stopped in his tracks. He stood there like that for a few seconds, and you saw his hands clench into fists. The rising and falling in his chest became more ragged, as his breaths filled with negative emotions.

Every second that he was still made the dread inside you grow, but the face that you saw when he turned back around to face you suddenly and swiftly frightened you even more.

“I get home after a long day, and all you can do is cling to me like a fucking abandoned puppy. And instead of just letting me go like a sane person, all you say is ‘I’m sorry!’ It’s so goddamn corny and annoying… But you know what? I agree with what you said earlier. Maybe you really are not good enough for me.”

His fists balled tighter, as he screamed these words at the top of his lungs through clenched teeth. 

This new piercing volume sent the entire atmosphere around you two into utter silence. You couldn’t believe that this was real. It had to be a terrible nightmare, one that would end, and let you wake up to Kuroo cuddling beside you in the bed.

Yet, this wasn’t a nightmare. This was the reality of what Kuroo truly felt about you.

If your heart was shattered before, this made the pieces break even smaller and drop to the ground. As for your heartbeat, it felt as if it had stopped in your chest. Heck, time itself seemed to slow around you.

It was one thing to believe the worst about yourself, but having the one who’s supposed to love you the most say that those beliefs were correct all along made it feel like the world itself beneath you was giving out.

Your body wasn’t just trembling now, it was full on shaking. Your knees swayed back and forth, making you feel like a jelly that threatened to give way and drop to the floor any second now.

Your eyes that were now stuck open as wide as they could go couldn’t hold it back anymore, and silent tears rushed down your face. The shock was so intense that you couldn’t even make any noise with the crying. With all these tears, your throat began to burn.

“I have to say something, anything to make it better… It’s all my fault, I should fix this…”

You could hardly form thoughts like these, much less put them into words. Meanwhile, Kuroo kept his eyes fixated on you in pure disgust. He had a look on his face that made it seem like the fact that you were still in front of him was something that he absolutely loathed.

Whatever words did come to mind mostly stopped in your throat. Any noise that did come out was in the form of choked up croaks and squeaks.

Finally, somehow, actual words came out, only to be immediately cut off.

“Kuroo, I–“

“Just forget it already! If this is how you’re going to be, I can’t take it anymore! I’m fucking done with you. We’re over, now get out of my house, now!” 

You already thought that his voice couldn’t get any louder, but its magnitude just kept climbing and climbing until it got to a point where you felt that it could blow the roof off. His face was scrunched up in pure fury, and his eyes directed that rage into yours and straight into your soul.

Whatever he was feeling, Kuroo now seemed as if he had never loved you at all.

And just like that, a beautiful relationship that had lasted months, one that you hoped would stretch on for years to come vanished just like that. All your hopes about Kuroo disappeared into nothingness.

As reluctant as you were, you now accepted that what you had with him was gone, and couldn’t be fixed. 

However, more than that, you didn’t think it was even safe to be here anymore. Judging by his body language, his posture, his actions, and his words, standing there for even a few seconds longer would run the risk of Kuroo’s anger escalating towards physical violence.

Your knees gained just enough strength, and you bolted out the door in a fit of loud sobs.

When you were gone, Kuroo returned to normal and sighed, but not out of relief. He couldn’t pin it down exactly, but there was something gnawing inside him… He was observant enough that he knew deep inside that was guilt.

Still, even though he did know, he would never admit it. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, and definitely not to you. He couldn’t take back what he did, but either way, he most certainly wasn’t going to go running after you. Instead, he simply shook his head and wandered off inside the bedroom.

It was raining outside in the dark of night, and not just a light shower. Water rushed down from the dark clouds at high speeds, hitting the ground with incredible sound and force for such tiny droplets.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds for you to get soaking wet in these conditions, but you pushed through and kept running. You didn’t know where– it was late, and no one you knew would be willing to take you in at this hour.

You jumped down the stairs to the ground floor, but that was as far as you could get before your knees finally gave up and caused your body to collapse to the concrete pavement, getting scraped against its rough surface.

You were in an awkward position, but you didn’t care. You were cold, you were wet, but most importantly… you were alone.

At least there was a positive side to that. You curled up, now being free to sob out all the pain that had piled up on you out to the distance. Your face became a mess of tears and snot, as the uncertainty of the situation dawned upon you.

“I can’t sleep on the streets… I’ve already been a burden to everyone, but I have to find someone, anyone…”

You had absolutely nothing, except for the clothes on your back and your phone in your pocket. Getting under the relative safety of a pillar, you decided to make use of that phone as you went through your contacts, pondering your slim set of options.

You remembered that there was one person who lived close enough to Kuroo, and this person was Kenma. Your fingers shook as you debated internally whether to press the call button or not. Kenma was the kind of person who was known for his preferences for being alone, and being sort of aloof towards others. 

It wasn’t likely that he would take you in, but the chance of him accepting was still there. At this point, you were ready to take any chance you got.

Trying not to drop your phone, you decided to take a risk and call Kenma. You put it on speaker and heard as the phone rang one time, two times…

Your phone provider would automatically drop a call if there wasn’t an answer by the fifth ring. The device’s battery was quite low as well, so if Kenma did not pick up, you truly would be stranded.

And so, you sat there awaiting your fate. Each ring, although lasting only a few seconds, stretched out for an eternity.

Would Kenma pick up? Would he not pick up?

Whichever one of the two happened, the little flame of hope left in your heart lay in his place… any place that was away from Kuroo.

“It really did turn out to be the person I loved most who ended up hurting me the deepest…” You thought alone to yourself, waiting as the phone rang and rang into the distance…