#this shouldn't make me feel old
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It hasn’t been three years...
It can’t have been three years...
Yet it has been three years.
three years since 7x05
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i always feel like my sexuality wasn't really impacted by uhh. everything that happened in my early teens. but looking through old stuff from back then im like hmmm. maybe it did
#i already had so much irl trauma that internet stuff never felt like it bothered me all that much#but i don't think i ever really processed any of it#there is something very odd about a grown adult man actively trying to groom you sexually at the ripe young age of 14 years old#well. not even try. he (redacted) (redacted)#i dont consider anything i went through “sexual abuse” bcuz like everyone was there. we all went through it to some extent#its just weird. it makes me feel panic attack-y looking back on all of it to delete stuff#some of it i just don't think i can talk about. it makes ME feel gross and ashamed#which it shouldn't but like 😭😭#but i also feel kinda responsible for it at the same time?? what a weird situation we went through together#txt#tw csa#<- ???
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hey google how do i google 'how to stop feeling violently ashamed of my body post-weight gain' without being fed a bunch of fatphobic ableist bullshit
#internalized fatphobia tw for all of these tags#it's so bad i hate it i know logically that i shouldn't feel this way but that doesn't actually stop me from feeling this way#as it gets warmer i've been forcing myself to still wear what i would typically wear but#sometimes i see pics or videos of myself and i am overcome with violent palpable shame#and like.. disgust tbh#i was always heavier growing up until around 17/18 when i lost a lot of weight cuz disordered eating/sensory issues/chronic stress etc#basically i starved myself into losing weight#i just remember being 8 years old and being heavier than other kids my age and my grandpa literally telling me 'you should start eating#better i don't want you to end up on the biggest loser'#at EIGHT YEARS OLD#my dad once told me i was 'the only one who was normal' out of my group of friends who were heavier than me????#and my mom ruined my self-image by describing in detail her own ruined self-image when i was very young#so there are multiple factors working against me here#but jesus fucking christ i'm so tired of being ashamed of this fucking skin suit that has very little bearing on who i am as a person#when compared to like. my thoughts and how i treat others in my day-to-day life etc etc#it doesn't matter it doesn't fucking matter but i can't make my brain understand that it doesn't matter#girl help#journal
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oh. mobius loving loki as death loves everything. he's been here since the beginning of time and his work is all he's ever known and he spends eons watching variants get pruned and he feels like the only one who cares. then he meets a definitely-not-analyst who knows him and is desperate for him to say that he knows them too and even after they erase his memories over and over he remembers it deep down and he dedicates himself to loki variants and feels sad, is sadness when they get pruned. no there's no justice or comfort, there's just the tva but he cares the most about ppl dying, he cares so much about loki's fate and he sticks his neck out several times just so they can live and it's making me think of death taking no pleasure in his job. of death knowing there's no such thing as justice and hating the world for it anyway. you must learn compassion to be death. mobius loves like death.
#tj said mobius loves like a researcher desperately trying to make ppl care abt a dying species and i have been foaming at the mouth ever#since they r literally insane for saying that to me#im reading mort rn im so emotional#he saved two kittens and he got angry abt them!!! he shouldn't have feelings yet he think a 15 year old girl dying is unfair and he has to#go on a little walk to process sadness#'i am sadness' 'there's no justice. there's just me' my sweet bbg#loki series#mobius m mobius#loki#lokius#loki season 2
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coming out of my hole momentarily to post this bc i'm so tired of seeing arguments against the dantayin theory having nothing holding them up except "i don't want ayin to be dante" or "it doesn't fit what i think" like please. sometimes the truth is uncomfortable and we don't like it. i will take the haters seriously once they step up holding some cold hard objective facts in their hands instead of "that's what i want"
#old man yells at cloud#not tagging this properly bc i'm not actively looking for a fight i'm just tired#if that's what you want then that's what fanfic is for! that's the beauty of it! if you don't like something you can just change it in an a#but when the core of your argument for why something shouldn't be canon is “bc i don't want it” or “i don't like it”#then you're really trying to win a debate without any real facts in your corner#please. come back to me when you have a rebuttal that isn't based on personal feelings#or actually don't i really don't want to start any fights i'm just posting my “don't make me tap the sign” sign
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retail would be pretty good, if only certain old men were banned from interacting with other human beings
#personal#i honestly enjoy it#i like being able to help someone figure out what they need (and not what the company wants me to sell)#(also the way some people's eyes shine when i say that “that's my recommendation and not the company's” is really nice)#(makes me want to learn everything correctly so i can help them the best way)#i like being useful even for something that feels so simple#but certain old men shouldn't be allowed out in public#the rare old man that's polite is a god among them
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somewhere running about in sydney is the guy who got absolutely destroyed on live tv about punishing kids (michael) for wearing the wrong socks. and idk i just think about it from time to time
#i know people who know him too that's the awkward part#referring to the sunrise interview they brought their old teacher in#meanwhile ashton is like 'you don't even know me'#the whole thing was a disaster. but schools shouldn't make kids wear specific socks and just. not treat them well til they succeed#and pretend they were backing them all along yk? idk exactly what went on but this story has happened 1000 times.#reasons to support#youthlib#michael clifford#5 seconds of summer#5sos#ashton irwin#luke hemmings#calum hood#sunrise#not me trying to tag the news program just to see:#sunrise in sydney#like using that tag feels blasphemous here
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i was clearing out my notes app (because finally getting a new phone yay!) and this entry from 2022 is so heartbreaking
#2 years and 1 even worse situationship later im still too much i still want too much need too much have there are claw marks#jn everything that ive been forced to let go of lol#saving this for later so hopefully idk 2 more years later someday ill be just enough for somebody#there's a whole list of reasons titled ' why we shouldn't get back together' my heart breaks for younger me#i mean i know i was still quite old at 19 but it was first ever heartbreak for me and i was so dilgent in getting over it#i kinda think that was the healthiest grieving ive done for a person not like perfect because i still fuckef up#and failed my exams and fell 6 months behind but still i let myself FEEL#all these recent ones are just one layered on top of another i see something that reminds me of someone and i break down lol#i begged and begged for a new phone but wow this phone has soo many memories it's been with me#from july 2020. lmao lasted longer than pretty much all my relationships#baby me made such a compelling argument logical fact based about why we shouldn't get back together#i used to be so earnest and obsessed with making myself better maybe it was self centered but it was better than#the self loathing dirtbag ive become. what happened to u girl#save
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it's amazing how almost all of my friendships (and by almost all i mean Every save like three) are ruined by my own self essentially swerving into a wall and crashing on purpose due to my inability to believe my company could ever be even slightly desirable to anyone and i'd rather just burn it all and die than see myself as someone who intrudes and abuses people's kindness out of my own selfish desire to want companionship.
#i was going to post something similar the other night but i fell asleep instead#but i was thinking about how truly all cases for me boil down to#>i talk with someone and we have a great time >they express a level of joy in interaction >i get weirdly attached too quickly#>i am comfortable enough to openly be myself which inevitably ends on a weird interaction >i talk too much and am too clingy#>i convince myself that that was actually awful and annoying and not something anybody wanted to hear#>i decide to leave and never be seen again because i don't want to be hated more than i already am in my head#>i am miserable because i really wanted to keep talking to that person#i just had a random two day-long chat with someone who messaged me and we had a good time talking about chainsaw man#and it truly took not much time for me to start going off about other shit until i noticed replies got so much shorter and alienated#and i just stopped altogether. because yeah man you're not here for this and you're probably too polite to tell me to go fuck myself so#i'll just do it for you.#and I KNOW that that's a me problem.#I KNOW that that's my own brain convincing itself that i am worse than i actually am in the eyes of others#and i am AWARE of how unfair that is to anyone else. it speaks to a clear lack of trust that is also my fault#but there's also a reality that i'm just. Not someone that people are particularly Excited to talk to#and i feel like i've wanted nothing more than that ever since i lost it when i was 15 years old#i am Tolerable at usual and a Cartoon Clown at best. and none of those serve as particularly deep connections.#and i know that that's once again a me problem. and i shouldn't ever place that expectation on anyone. that is not fair. and i try not to.#but like. is it bad for me to want that to begin with?#should i just abandon the idea altogether and accept that yeah i am just destined to be a crazy hermit murmuring ramblings by themselves#is that the Morally correct thing to do? to just be alone? that's for sure what it feels like to me#that yeah that's what my life is always going to be. no joy in connection or sharing. just an endless stream of thoughts by myself.#that way at least my life won't get in the way of anyone else's lives.#and like. i am always hoping that someone would make a deliberate attempt to reach out to me even if i'm hell bent on isolating myself.#because that would be a proof that someone cares enough you know? that I Am an active choice that someone makes.#but that never comes. and that's not something that would be fair for me to expect or ask for either. would it?#might as well hope for a unicorn while i'm at it.
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Everyday I wish they explored the class/house system in Piltover further so we could see just how vast the differences in economic status and quality of life exists in the city. We know there is a house system at the very least, but to what extent does it effect things?
#Like You cannot tell me the Chem Barrons are poorer than the lowest houses in Piltover. Especially if we see Ximena's speech at the trial#Said it before and I'll say it again#The majority of the people from Piltover we see are the council and the filthy rich because they are the people who matter to the plot#And because they are all we see (sans like 3 seconds where Ximena talks about being from a lower house) we assume that's all there is#Yet we barely see any of the regular or lower class people#s2 Loris is thought to be homeless or poor 1st appearance so we know that such states exist in Piltover so not everyone is living it large#I want to know if there were people there who disagreed with the treatment of Zaun#Maybe there weren't and no one cared. But if there were why did they not get heard?(Council saying they didnt know how bad things were in Z#My old classics prof always told us “the rich have more in common with rich people from another country than the poor people of their own”#I wonder if a similar principle applied here but with the lower class Piltovians and the Zaunites#(Dare I say it mirrors many real life situations?)#And would there be any distaste for the council for not only the oppression of Zaun. But the economic gap (how large?) in their own city#I guess you could argue that they didn't want to further add to the plot or complicate it hence why it wasn't included#But I think it would provide some more interesting nuance as to how things work#Undoubtedly the people of Piltover have significantly more privilege then the people Zaun regardless of their financial situation#But I just want to further know how things work#We know in Zaun there are gaps in the quality of people's lives. Some better off than others#We see it explored in detail#But I want to see both sides!! Give me the full picture. Let me see more than Zaun good/Council (thus Piltover) bad#But that would make some situations more sympathetic and lessen the binary of having one side purely evil#and some of you don't like that#Already people throw out any redeemable traits of characters they don't like so they can highlight their flaws only#GOING TO STATE CLEARLY: I am NOT trying to excuse Piltover's actions nor its treatment of Zaun#nor am I trying to find a way to make it so Piltover is struggling as much as Zaun#I just want to see more in depth lore and worldbuilding#I feel like that shouldn't need to be stated but I fear this is the “so you hate waffles” website#and I don't want someone to come for my neck and call me a Piltover apologist. Which is distinctly untrue#But for a show that sells itself on the fact it's complex people sure like to shove it into concrete boxes#Arcane
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really devastating for me to consider the reason that maybe i haven't been so actively and violently sad for the last few months is because i haven't been doing any acting lol
#supposedly very good at it according to almost everyone i've ever met who has seen me act#but my body issues will always get in the way and stop me from being amazing#but like. i can't choose to work around them. my body shuts off. and i need therapy. but i'm never gonna get it.#so at some point i will have to make a decision#i think it's also hard when i get a character i'm not suited for because like the people have#a select cast to choose from#like obvs i shouldn't be playing a 60 year old woman but i still feel like i'm doing a pretty good job!!!#in case anyone wants to know the real reason i'm spiraling is bc i made a comment abt not being good at eye contact bc we're doing#a near kiss and it made me feel awkward#and the guy was like yeah i've noticed you hate making eye contact#and i'm like i hope you don't mean in the scene because literally all of those are choices and no one has said anything#LITERALLY HAVING SUCH A BAD DAY AND THEN THIS RANDOM COMMENT MADE IT WORSE#and now i have to go see a 2 and a half hour opera my friend is in 20 seconds of#Sigh#i wish it was apocalypse times. a zombie apocalypse rn would fix me#maia.txt
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Honestly at this point starting to feel I've managed to miss Jason's characterization while he was alive because he really really does not and has never seemed especially angry to me, but the comics are trying to hammer it in so much, it's like all they mention is his anger and impulsiveness and his death but like??
I can never remember jaybin (<-is that what we call jason robin for short?) being like that, certainly not to the extent they're always saying, to me his anger wasn't that much, and it pretty much matched with batman's, it wasn't greater than anyone else's, and it just felt like general new hero anger, I cannot stress enough just how off all these flashbacks and talking about him feel wrong to me
#dc liveblog#anger was like the last part of the story and All they talk about too. why can't they say anything else at all#i know he was the lonely robin but cmon man#crying screaming turning into dust emoji#he wasnt angrier than those around him. his impulsiveness while there wasnt stand out. his violence wasnt something looked on with concern#instead of reminding us about jason and how batman failed him all these flashbacks and mentions are just making me feel like#they didn't know anything about him and are projecting failure and only see faults#its weird#i figure reading precrisis first is affecting how i percieve him but i dont mind that i think his character shouldn't fully change after#still feel like im missing something though#like all they talk about is his anger all they say about him is his anger all they remember about him is his anger#and he was a 14 year old that at the very most was equal to the grown man in a bat costume when it came to anger#who was the person he was closest too#ive not gotten to the red hood yet and im not saying he was right. but i understand his perspective
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realizing I'm actually deeply hateful of what algorithm based social media/social media as a whole has done to how we interact with our friend groups on a local level 50/50 because I'm a mentally ill socialist and because I work tangentially in marketing so I know how it's rigged
#like. i shouldn't have to fucking post on social media for people who consider themselves my friends or acquaintances#to know or think to ask about my goings on#it shouldn't be the norm that we broadcast our lives for likes and engagement on a for profit platform#rather than having actual conversations about what is happening in our lives#but because they can just see whats happening online the questions never get asked#outside of a shallow 'how are you' and if you try to deepen it you kill the vibe#and yes this is my tism over reading the situation but that THAT US BECAUSE of the number of times ive been let down or excluded#because of over sharing or 'trauma dumping ' i say with quotes cause its bullshit#like if i see you all regularly we should be able to have serious conversations without you seeing it as work#even if it's at a social event and you shouldn't be making me feel like im killing a vibe#because im fucking living this shit like no duh its killing the vibe#and before anyone says just text them - im in gc hell and no one answers those or dms#so. rsd says its the same old shit as before and i should just pack it up#im fuckin tired man#i cannot believe we all bought into the algorithm based bullshit when blogging was right there
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Instagram keeps showing me reels of someone with a handle named something like jamesmaythristtraps and like, they are truly doing gods work but I can't like or comment on these masterpieces because I know what kind of snitch of an app it is 😔
#well atleast now I have figured out how to keep myself warm in upcoming winter months#no but#how do people handle their relatives following them online#????????#pretty recently friend of a friend was like “oh what's your insta =)??”#and its like#I have four posts and one of those is mf rick astley should I be explaining myself ??#banging my head against the table like why couldn't I just get my fangirling on for bts or something#or maybe more like out of all the 80s acts why did I fall hard for the one who is memed to death#I mean okay rickrolling can be funny#and he looked goofy there#top tier Tintin cosplay#even with my attraction to James its like#I feel like I should be explaining myself because he's old#and most likely not what when people think about male celebrities people drool over ...#maybe shamed myself into thinking “I shouldn't be attracted to this” “this is abnormal so it must be wrong”#I mean tons of girlies like men like him#but then I see guys my age say things like “I should go to the gym so women would pay attention to me”#or putting weird flexing photos on their dating profiles (not even just flexing with their muscles but like cars or watches... or fish...)#like I don't care about your boring ass new volkswagen ????#and in that case it wasn't even just one photo... I don't care for new cars they all look the same :-/#it just makes me go ? am I supposed to be attracted to this ?#is this the norm??#why can't I be normal aaaa#so in conclusion#I'm deeply ashamed of my interests and attractions lol#hopefully I will someday grow out of this#all the peer support is welcomed on this post lmao
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Wdym Flavio called himself a democratic dictator, and said that he's pulling all the strings behind the scenes(x)
#idk how to describe it but. a lot of the tps now act pretty ruthless#but theres just something sooooo palpably different hearing an old school f1 guy talk#it feels like they're on a whole other level. at least to me !#that interview is so fascinating though#how he sees his role#as this kind of underboss#he doesnt want to be tp bcs thats too much. but he still wants to make all the decisions#i guess to me it often felt like most tps had an iron grip on what their teams did#but is he just outside of the formal structure? or is this the norm for all teams#since he said tp and td are to implement what he wants. not make decisions#democratic dictator.....#i guess i shouldn't be too surprised his role in the team is way bigger than the title makes it seem#i mean 'executive advisor to the ceo' gives off advisory not dictorial#though frankly its better for the image of the team for him to be behind the curtain and not representing them out front#considering um. everything.#flavio briatore#f1
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Human pet guy showed up on my dash again (via puppy play sick skateboard tricks post) and I decided to look at what he was up to these days, and
what do you mean he was born in 1995?
#kai rambles#human pet guy#on one hand it kinda makes sense in that he was like 22 or something when he made the original human pet post#like if he was a 22 year old inexperienced with pet play i can somewhat see how you could end up making that post#maybe you could get your wires that tangled up about it if you've never actually done it#and then like you finally get to try it and suddenly all of that bullshit is dispelled#also you can be a pretentious little dumb dumb about it when you're 22 you know? let me write as if im always talking down to someone#on the other hand#the guy still believes it#he's still salty about people not getting where he was coming from#he still thinks he's right#and like maybe that's because he's still never got to do pet play in real life but that feels like a mean assumption#and a little lazy and bad faith you know?#especially considering he believes even weirder things now like that gen z boys who voted for harris should now be concubines for the#''victors of the election'' and that this is how it's always been until CHRISTIANITY TAUGHT PEOPLE BETTER#absolutely insane thing to say and honestly i could break down that entire post because boy howdy is it a ride#also he believes something to do with trump experimenting with ways to trap people in crystals?#like that's a facebook ass conspiracy#which hence would imply he's older#the way he talks also just reminds me of jordan peterson#but jordan peterson isn't only 5 years older than me#id assumed he was older because of his cadence and vernacular#but no#he's not even 30#im just rambling in the tags here because i just. like i oft talk in a kinda pretentious manner so i know that's not a thing unique to older#folk and that this shouldn't be tripping me up so much but it's just like.#he was younger than me when he made the original human pet guy post#that's wild#you know who he reminds me of?#whatifalthist on youtube
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