#this shouldn't make me feel old
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It hasn’t been three years...
It can’t have been three years...
Yet it has been three years.
three years since 7x05
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oh. mobius loving loki as death loves everything. he's been here since the beginning of time and his work is all he's ever known and he spends eons watching variants get pruned and he feels like the only one who cares. then he meets a definitely-not-analyst who knows him and is desperate for him to say that he knows them too and even after they erase his memories over and over he remembers it deep down and he dedicates himself to loki variants and feels sad, is sadness when they get pruned. no there's no justice or comfort, there's just the tva but he cares the most about ppl dying, he cares so much about loki's fate and he sticks his neck out several times just so they can live and it's making me think of death taking no pleasure in his job. of death knowing there's no such thing as justice and hating the world for it anyway. you must learn compassion to be death. mobius loves like death.
#tj said mobius loves like a researcher desperately trying to make ppl care abt a dying species and i have been foaming at the mouth ever#since they r literally insane for saying that to me#im reading mort rn im so emotional#he saved two kittens and he got angry abt them!!! he shouldn't have feelings yet he think a 15 year old girl dying is unfair and he has to#go on a little walk to process sadness#'i am sadness' 'there's no justice. there's just me' my sweet bbg#loki series#mobius m mobius#loki#lokius#loki season 2
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and I think child modelling should be illegal I'm not even joking
#I dodged it but like it truly felt like we were pigs raised to slaughter. slaughter being prostitution#every little detail I remember now as adult with basic child psychology education from my teacher background is just. how#I'm not brave enough to say 'jail to mother' (yet) but honestly...#what wrong could come from making a bunch of girls used to lying about their age ignoring being made uncomfortable and disrespected#especially by adults who can make all sorts of rules and claims on their bodies and schedules that are treated as secrets#I had the best experience possible and I am certain I did get pimps approaching me my mother and contractors#and even then I felt very weird that I was often sent to nightclubs that only allowed adults as clients but since I was there to get on#stage as work then I could get in and actually I got instructed to keep on 'vip areas' that typically had a lot more drugs circulating#the heels the clothing and makeup I got put on were also so wrong#I didn't hate it at the time some things made me uncomfortable but I liked dancing I liked fashion and I liked how the fact I was 'making#money' made me more respected in my house and I started getting more independence (that I probably shouldn't have been given either)#but ugh the existing photographs already make me want to throw up and I am glad there aren't photographs of the worse 'dance' jobs I did#very strange little universe#I also feel like I was the only girl that didn't have an eating disorder but mostly cuz I already had problems with alcohol that did the jo#but also I got in much older than the other girls and out pretty fast#crazy that 13 is old but like you genuinely hear of 6 year old who are responsible for a considerable portion of the household income#YIKES#the compliments I got on managing to look older and 'being so mature'. yikes#anything that allows a child to be the one making most of the family's income is a receipt for disaster#.txt
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i personally think there was no need to make remarks about age
#i dont need to feel any more ashamed about this when i shouldn't feel ashamed about this in the first place#because three years is not a HUGE difference. it IS an age gap but it isn't a GIGANTIC red flag-waving age gap.#but i guess for a guy it is if the girl is older#but anyway man it was comment after comment line after line and i felt like i was standing in front of a firing squad#not gonna lie my whole chest literally hurts when i think about it too deeply!#i have literally never been told before that i'm not an option because i'm too old#i also personally (and this is a bit bitter of me to say so maybe) i resent the fact that he did take the time to tell me that he was not#personally attracted to me. and then add at the end of the conversation that if i were younger he'd consider it#like. you literally told me you don't like me that way and aren't attracted to me that way#so the only reason you'd consider me as an option really is the fact that you know I'M interested in you ????#anyway makes me want to throw up:)#the waiting room chapter
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retail would be pretty good, if only certain old men were banned from interacting with other human beings
#personal#i honestly enjoy it#i like being able to help someone figure out what they need (and not what the company wants me to sell)#(also the way some people's eyes shine when i say that “that's my recommendation and not the company's” is really nice)#(makes me want to learn everything correctly so i can help them the best way)#i like being useful even for something that feels so simple#but certain old men shouldn't be allowed out in public#the rare old man that's polite is a god among them
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somewhere running about in sydney is the guy who got absolutely destroyed on live tv about punishing kids (michael) for wearing the wrong socks. and idk i just think about it from time to time
#i know people who know him too that's the awkward part#referring to the sunrise interview they brought their old teacher in#meanwhile ashton is like 'you don't even know me'#the whole thing was a disaster. but schools shouldn't make kids wear specific socks and just. not treat them well til they succeed#and pretend they were backing them all along yk? idk exactly what went on but this story has happened 1000 times.#reasons to support#youthlib#michael clifford#5 seconds of summer#5sos#ashton irwin#luke hemmings#calum hood#sunrise#not me trying to tag the news program just to see:#sunrise in sydney#like using that tag feels blasphemous here
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Honestly at this point starting to feel I've managed to miss Jason's characterization while he was alive because he really really does not and has never seemed especially angry to me, but the comics are trying to hammer it in so much, it's like all they mention is his anger and impulsiveness and his death but like??
I can never remember jaybin (<-is that what we call jason robin for short?) being like that, certainly not to the extent they're always saying, to me his anger wasn't that much, and it pretty much matched with batman's, it wasn't greater than anyone else's, and it just felt like general new hero anger, I cannot stress enough just how off all these flashbacks and talking about him feel wrong to me
#dc liveblog#anger was like the last part of the story and All they talk about too. why can't they say anything else at all#i know he was the lonely robin but cmon man#crying screaming turning into dust emoji#he wasnt angrier than those around him. his impulsiveness while there wasnt stand out. his violence wasnt something looked on with concern#instead of reminding us about jason and how batman failed him all these flashbacks and mentions are just making me feel like#they didn't know anything about him and are projecting failure and only see faults#its weird#i figure reading precrisis first is affecting how i percieve him but i dont mind that i think his character shouldn't fully change after#still feel like im missing something though#like all they talk about is his anger all they say about him is his anger all they remember about him is his anger#and he was a 14 year old that at the very most was equal to the grown man in a bat costume when it came to anger#who was the person he was closest too#ive not gotten to the red hood yet and im not saying he was right. but i understand his perspective
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Instagram keeps showing me reels of someone with a handle named something like jamesmaythristtraps and like, they are truly doing gods work but I can't like or comment on these masterpieces because I know what kind of snitch of an app it is 😔
#well atleast now I have figured out how to keep myself warm in upcoming winter months#no but#how do people handle their relatives following them online#????????#pretty recently friend of a friend was like “oh what's your insta =)??”#and its like#I have four posts and one of those is mf rick astley should I be explaining myself ??#banging my head against the table like why couldn't I just get my fangirling on for bts or something#or maybe more like out of all the 80s acts why did I fall hard for the one who is memed to death#I mean okay rickrolling can be funny#and he looked goofy there#top tier Tintin cosplay#even with my attraction to James its like#I feel like I should be explaining myself because he's old#and most likely not what when people think about male celebrities people drool over ...#maybe shamed myself into thinking “I shouldn't be attracted to this” “this is abnormal so it must be wrong”#I mean tons of girlies like men like him#but then I see guys my age say things like “I should go to the gym so women would pay attention to me”#or putting weird flexing photos on their dating profiles (not even just flexing with their muscles but like cars or watches... or fish...)#like I don't care about your boring ass new volkswagen ????#and in that case it wasn't even just one photo... I don't care for new cars they all look the same :-/#it just makes me go ? am I supposed to be attracted to this ?#is this the norm??#why can't I be normal aaaa#so in conclusion#I'm deeply ashamed of my interests and attractions lol#hopefully I will someday grow out of this#all the peer support is welcomed on this post lmao
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Ur tags about how Miles and Pavitr are the ones who say "I can do both" because it IS quintessential spiderman thinking AND because they're too young to have seen that devastatingly not work yet. BUT the thing is they are RIGHT but only if it's "we"! Spiderman's mythos is inherently a lonely one reinforced by Miles and Gwen's isolation and by every. single. intro. reminding us that every spider person is the "one and only spider person"! And yet!! These films are just about relationships (1/2)
YES YEAH YOU GET IT !!!! and (quite recently rewatched it and mentioning it here cause i can't believe i forgot to mention it in the post you're talking about) it really gets me that gwen also says 'i was doing both' in regards to protecting miles and protecting the canon event, and i love that the phrase was reflected like that, even tho (at this point of the movie) miles and gwen pretty much oppose each other in views/priority !!
it also absolutely kills me the way that gwen begins (like you say) atsv quitting the band and isolates herself, and then throughout the whole thing she finds something/someone that she wants to take that leap for, all over again :') she (and the entire spider-team!!) is willing to bet everything on miles and is ready to fight for him, and i really just love the idea that miles just is a force that inspires good !!!! IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT LOVE!!!
#and . i dont think she would have done this without reconciling with her dad and that entire speech.#i do think that acceptance and love meant everything to her when she was at her lowest and it pushes her to do more +#AND it shows her canon events arent necessarily end alls. and it reflects in how she tells miles parents how much he loves them#just feel like. gwen now believes that love he has couldnt ever be bad. and it shouldn't have to make the world end...#and she believes it wont. AUGH#also been thinking that it's such a fun way to reflect that 'parker luck'#where yknow . where peter just cannot balance his two identities#and usually a spider-man success means something in his personal life goes badly#and idk i love when things are acknowledged to be like. the RESULT of being spider-man .#its fun to me. perhaps i am analysing media wrong. but tragedy magnet spider-man is so fucking depressing on many levels#and that opens up barbie dreamhouse levels of fun to me#generally superheroes creating their own enemies on accident . like ssm's venom was a goldmine to me i enjoyed that interpretation so much#i dont think miguel was right tho . fate of the multiverse/anomaly/etc I DONT CARE OLD MAN. UR OPINION WAS OVER WHEN U STARTED BEEF W MILES#and so sorry this took forever to reply to omg i adored reading this meta !!!!!#answered#disinherits#long post#sorry everyone the floor was open for my deranged takes again
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unfollowing one of my long time moots without any hesitation because they posted a big thing about why cheating is fine 👍
#If there's like. One boundary I have it's that#iykyk#I don't think she's lurking but if she is: Jade Perish Challenge#She's not the one that posted tht this time but y'know. If someone is talking about cheating I have to mention it#Like religious ppl doing a cross symbol when seeing something unfortunate#But for me it's like. I see someone talk about a cheating kink and I'm reminded 'you know who should be Voted Off The Island this week?'#Betrayal literally kills ppl okay I cannot fathom why you would cheat#when a large portion of people that commit do so bc they were cheated on.#IN MY EYES: Asking someone to cheat on their partner is the same as asking them to kys or k their partner.#Because that's what intense heartbreak and betrayal does to a mf.#something I should've communicated better before. I didn't explain to Jade why what she was demanding was so Abhorrent.#But tbf she should've known. 18 yr old me shouldn't need to explain that to a grown ass woman#For context a stalker kept telling me she would commit if I didn't cheat w her. But hurting my partner would make ME do that so#to me its like saying 'either you kys or I'll kms' which is. Such a weird ultimatum to give to someone?#Lady I detest you and you revolt me why would I chose your life over my own + my partners?? fucking weirdo.#Even if I was single ur a violent incel so ??? Ew No#All of my feelings towards Jade can be summarized with the Obama 'Then Perish'' meme#If u think I'm being cruel u should know she's with a self-confessed groomer and actively defends it#Do Not feel bad for that woman okay.#Tw suicide mention#tw sui vent#tw grooming
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I've been thinking abt my critter dupes some more and it was all fun and games until I remembered that I made Mi-ma a beeta and hm. Whoops. Uh oh. (<- Considered the implications for more than 2 seconds)
#rat rambles#oni posting#it's not Too bad. shes fine. but hoo boy. the images my mind showed me were not fun.#it's ok she just needs to keep being the farmer cook that she is and gather stuff for her fellow dupes and itll all be fine#Id provide further context but then itd become too clear what Im talking abt so how abt I dont#its ok shes ok nothing bad happens to her shes just a bit quirky thats all#and even if things did go a lil wonky it wouldnt be irreversible just a bit of an issue for a bit#shes just a silly billy who's genetic makeup is a series of contradictions and anomalies#I also have it as a thing where most of the colony see her as like a baby sister since she was the first duplicant printed after quinn left#so the dupes who were already there were like oh shit there's a new one and quinn isn't here to help them adjust we have to do a good job#in their place and make sure she feels the security they helped us feel while we built this colony together#and meanwhile mi-ma was just sitting there having the joints of an 80 year old woman and the energy of a young and spry bee#some of the younger dupes in that colony actually dont like her much because they see her as kind of spoiled#liam and leira especially constantly give her gifts and let her do things she rly shouldn't do#they eventually get better abt it when it actually starts to threaten her physical well-being but it sort of starts to swing in the other#direction after a while with leira especially being rly obsessive with making sure shes not doing anything that could cause health issues#ada has some light beef with mi-ma but she starts to turn around on her a bit once she learns abt some of the stuff shes gone through#after a lil while they get to be bug buddies who are experiencing joy and whimsy together watching paint dry or smth idk
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*blows a kiss in the vague direction of switzerland* for Frida
#too gay to sleep#too sleepy to do work#the undone work fills me with anxiety#the anxiety makes me skip things i shouldn't skip#the things i should be doing make me feel guilty#at the end of all this#what can one do besides hyperfixate on a nearly-80 year-old princess#anni frid lyngstad
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tw ed in the tags !!
#im feeling sooo awful abt my body today its crazy#i dont wanna relapse but also i have prom and grad coming up so its very very tempting#silly side note but ive been friends w some moots on edtwt longer than I've known some of my irls and that's crazy to me#anyway i was looking at tweets of me being so majorly uber excited abt final hitting 45 kg T-T like man omfg#feb 23 me was the skinniest id ever been and i was thriving !!#and i highkey wanna be that again#was my hair thinning and did my face look so gaunt it scared me at times? yes#did i also feel my prettiest + have the most external validation from strangers etc ever? also yes !!#i feel fat and ugly rn but I'm also just very averagely weighted#but i have a naturally broader built but i feel like i look bigger even if I'm not ?? 9ufdkjhjs#anyway its scary looking through old tweets bc I'm talking abt skipping lunch like everyday and stuff like that's scary !! don't do that#but also it makes me wanna do it again like if i could look like that again... id genuinely kill myself for it#i was kinda also p healthy back then LOL only ate god food#cardio every evening + muscle training every morning#anyway teehee thats all i very much dislike my body rn and i hope i can lose a bit so i don't feel like dying <3#i have hope bc im only 5kg off what i used to be so !! shouldn't be too hard yaaya if i can just get back in the 40s ill be happy like a 47#i got this !! hopefully will not destroy myself in the process yay#tw ed
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yesterday i spent 45 minutes of my life watching a video essay criticising the use of cheap shock values and crossing of taboos for a video game and i went from "he has a point even if he's explaining it in a really inflammatory way" to "oh umm... i can see how he thinks that way even if i don't agree" to "oh this guy's just straight up using people on tumblr as material for an audience to get mad at like other outdated people on the internet. nvm he's just an asshole"
#yuu rambles#it was about the coffin of andey and leyley btw - i agreed w him on the first half of the video about how it felt rather noncommittal to it#concepts and themes but i recognise its not really *trying* to be serious which means its not a reasonable#framework to judge the intention and execution of its work - an apple pie does use butter in it but just bc it does#doesnt mean you get to compare it to steak; a dish that also uses butter. this is intuitively easy to understand for me#but nonetheless it was like 3 am i had stuff to do so i just put it on my background to listen#he makes a diss at “people on tumblr” early on that i just raised my eyebrow at but shrugged it off bc its such an old joke#its lost its zinger; and im p sure its just confirmation bias from going into the tags of the thing you dont like lol if you use tumblr#normally you wouldn't come across things you dont like bc you'd have blocked them. But Anyways#then at the end he got sooo self righteous about how people on tumblr are insane and weird and showed screencaps about how twisted everyone#who likes the game are. there were some screenshots of people's post that were like “incest is bad and shouldn't be explored in media.#paragraph break‚ me who is an incest survivor and finds it helpful for working through my trauma: lol”#those types of post. but then lmfao he started going out of pocket and just mentioned the lists of other people he doesnt like which are#a screenie of a video essay about how kink is important at pride#and then some other stuff i dont remember anymore w the tumblr screenies#it was very mockingly written and said and at the end of it i felt sad i couldnt#block people on youtube lmao. like its not i dont want this guy to comment on my videos. i dont want to see his channel involuntarily#recommended to me ever again. just resorted to the most base sort of trolling behaviour he accused and judge other game devs for in his#video essay. good fucking god. the psychological projection is unreal#i dont have any strong feelings towards the game at the end of it even though i thought i would be like Eugh at first#but my bleh for any cheap gimmicks is overshadowed by my disdain for this guy's reliance on self righteous rhetoric#i discovered another new channel i really like tho after that vid!! bc i had to watch smth else to cleanse my palate lmao#they're jacob geller and freddydude! ive only seen one vid from freddydude about his essay on#detention‚ the horror game set in taiwan during the era of white terror under new cn leadership after ww2#im personally quite jumpy so his humour and the way he edits his videos to make it silly even though its Scary#made me like it a lot!! im going through jacob geller's other vids but ive watched three specific types of terror#and the one about pinocchio which made me go :00 wow his scripts are super good!#again everything at your own discretion esp w the whole james somerton shit‚ but i enjoyed what I've seen so far#i just wanted to end this in a somewhat positive note JSHDKSJDJD the ramblings Continue...#theres a pedantic error in one of ky tags but im gonna update it when im on comp bc mobile sucks smh my head
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I kinda miss hanging out with old people. All my friends used to be old people.
But the older I grow, and the more I'm expected to behave well like a normal adult, the harder I find it to keep those links. I'm lost between trying to stick to a script I don't know the words of to have a proper normal and interesting relationship for them, and allowing myself to screw up a little, be boring, be interested in stuff they aren't, having opinions they don't agree with (for silly stuff like music, though yk me), not be cool. Cause the latter stresses me out. Cause I see no reason for people to want to be friends with me if not that.
#also defining your relationship to old people who already have a well established family is hard when growing up#cause they were just my friends at first#and they helped me find a safe space#and they were like a chosen family#and then their adopted daughter hated me cause they had a friend that was her age and it messed up with me#now i feel so stressed out about it. i feel so stressed that i am taking space i shouldn't. that i am making their other friends and#family that have been there for far longer uncomfortable with just my presence#and i know i was just a depressed teen and very sensitive to this shit and people keep saying that it reveals more about the other person#than you (as it's not the first time i was left to deal with people's opinion of me FOR THEM)#but it just felt like i wasn't allowed to express my discomfort and i just had to swallow the way their reaction to their emotions impacted#me and handle it on my own#and I think I'm still hurting from it#cause I got no support#i'm just asked to sit there and take it and act as if it meant nothing#...ngl saying it writing it stating it feels good because i've held onto that for years and years and I couldn't say it#i wasn't allowed to#even my psychiatrist (when I had one) told me it was nothing and to ignore it#I just wish people could say that yes it's not okay. that i'm allowed to feel how i feel. i wish people would recognize and understand#what i mean when i say that.#cause what is it worth when i'm the only one saying it to me and the only one agreeing that it's true#i hate that i need people to agree and make their agreement vocal to help heal that inner child that was always told to push it down#cause what else ?#sometimes I wish I could see young Leska cause I know I'd be among the only ones to give em a hug#I just want to take them in my arms and tell them that it'll get better. That we're not out yet we still need to fight but we will#eventually#hopefully
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#i havent come to terms with the fact that one of the people i held closest to my heart has graduated and i wont see him for a good while#until i can shell out the money to fly to singapore. i get the feeling this is the conductors first shift on the train.#(all the black and breathing rapture) so welcome to charing cross? are you ready? an adminstration error#you are covered in the metallic stench of the rusty chains of command. its time to make four thousand pounds. i thought of you.#here in the garden of england she scrapes the shards of glass from the black sea. first with a spoon and then a knife and the with the#hairdryer that belonged to his mother. in the back of his car i can feel the stutter and jutter of the wheels the same shaky-straight path#of a beginner driver. i love you and the trees. hes finally growing his hair out. here is an enclosed metal room#more man than machine. i wont see you for another year. driving dangerously close to an 8-wheeled tall box i feel safer with you#than i ever will at home. weve already started a campfire in the backseat of your car ive got you didnt i?#we laid in the luxury of a four-person tent next to the mass of campfires and stars and i told her i thought you hated me#I've never hated you. ive never hated anyone except my father. here is how to forgive unspeakable things.#i am really all that ive been looking for. youre not a narcissist baby youve just got a lying problem. take molten gold#and glue the fragments of yourself back together. we cant stop crashing into the sky. drink wine straight from the grapes in the vineyard#and when you give it give it all. studies have shown you view your own future self as a seperate person#and oftentimes you have less empathy for this other person than for a friend. it is time to extend your kindness unequivocally.#the aviation tax attorney on the train floating on water told us a short story of her life. a smile full of charisma and#feeling old retiring at 47. theres a lot about you we shouldn't know. GRAB A GUN AND SHOOT THE IMAGE OF YOURSELF STRAIGHT IN THE MIRROR.
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