#this shit isn't good for my health
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Hey uh Nightow what the fuck was that for
#crying screaming throwing UP#HE IMAGINED TELLING MISS MELANIE ABOUT HIS ONLY FRIEND IM GONNA COMBUST#“with him... we could've done this as a team”#IM GOING TO PASS OUT#my brain has been treating these two like dog toys for 2 weeks now and the manga is only making it worse#the brain rot is so bad I'm not even joking bitch#rotating wolfwood in my head 24/7 until i understand every single part of him#everybody shut the fuck up i need to go cry in the corner#fellas is it gay to dream of introducing your best friend to the only family figure you've ever had#i took 3 breaks during this chapter alone to silently scream I'm not joking#this shit isn't good for my health#trigun#trimax#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#nicholas d. wolfwood
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me stubbornly forcing myself to drink green tea and rest from my THIRD COLD THIS MONTH
#i am so fucking tired of being ill#is it not enough that i have a chronic illness and chronic pain condition all the time anyway???#ughhh#i'm grateful because i at least managed to get to (most) of the gigs i wanted to this month#but other than that i've literally just been stuck in bed unable to do anything and my brain is starting to melt with boredom#idk how i can still not be well enough to write or absorb myself in reading a good book or fanfic or even be on here properly#but my brain feels like MUSH and it's so frustrating#i miss my little four walls men so much 😩#i miss being able to see the sky and see my friends and taste the food i eat#sorry i know i'm complaining#i just needed to vent for a moment#it's been such a shit few months anyway and i was already in a really rough spot with my mental/physical health for a number of reasons#so this just feels like the last straw#universe please let me feel a little better soon#i have things i want to do and people i want to talk to and fics i want to write#oh how nice it must be to live in a body that isn't constantly impaired in some way 🤦♀️#lulu posts
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the other thing too is that losing weight is NOT a neutral action in the same way that being fat is.
what do I mean by that?
well, it is morally neutral in that no one should be judging you for wanting to lose weight & wanting to lose weight does not make you a bad person
however. it's not a neutral action. in the same way that feminists critique the beauty industry and makeup and constantly get replies like "but I LIKE wearing makeup!!!!" that completely miss the point. that's sort of the same thing happening when fat activists/people that advocate for fat liberation point out the flaws in diet culture and get "but I NEED to lose weight for (xyz "good" reasons) are you saying I'm a bad person?" that completely miss the point.
in an ideal world, people could lose and gain weight without a single bat of an eye. but we don't live in that world. not only is it scientifically proven that most people CANNOT sustainably keep weight they've lost off (and no, not due to lack of self control) and that losing weight (especially rapidly) can have some huge health consequences, but, more relevantly, these ideas of weight and health and beauty are SO tangled up in fatphobia and western beauty standards that it's nigh impossible to reach some Enlightened State where your reason for weight loss is untouched by it.
you want to lose weight to "be healthier?" who told you you were unhealthy? was it your doctor? doctors that routinely suggest fat patients lose weight for every complaint ever including the common cold or a broken bone? was it society telling you being fat is unhealthy even though you ARE healthy? and if you're Not healthy, do you know for sure it's your weight? because thin people can also have high cholesterol and heart problems. there's other ways to fix these things that don't involve weight loss to dangerous degrees, but doctors are already so up their own ass about fat people that they probably didn't discuss anything with you other than "lose weight." does that mean no fat person ever is unhealthy because they're fat? no. but it Does mean that that reason is so tangled up in fatphobia that 100% stating you're free of diet culture when you say it just is Not accurate
you want to lose weight to "feel better about yourself"? well this one's easy and won't be as long as the last. why do you feel that way? who taught you that being fat is something to feel bad about? if you lived 500 years ago before diet culture, would you feel pressure to lose weight to feel better about yourself?
and none of this is to say you CAN'T chose to lose weight. it's your body. you can do whatever the fuck you want with it, good or bad. but when people talk about fatphobia and fat liberation and your first response is "oh but I'm losing weight for the GOOD reasons" stop yourself. ask if that's relevant to the conversation. ask yourself if those reasons ARE neutral. if they're tied to health, body image (including dysphoria!), or how other people perceive you? the answer is no
#fatphobia#long post#personally I've found the most helpful creed to live by is just... what makes my body feel good?#do not focus on weight loss bc that's immediately going to suffocate you in the quagmire of shit#focus on what makes your body feel good#and I don't mean that in a hedonistic way I mean like....#do you feel better when you're getting certain nutrients and exercising? do that!#you might or might not lose weight but when weight loss isn't your end goal that becomes acceptable#like I stopped drinking so heavily bc it was making my body feel like shit and I lost like 20lbs#but it would've been beneficial to my health even if I hadn't lost 20lbs bc I'd stopped drinking and my body felt better#do you get what I'm saying. can anyone hear me out Gere.#*here
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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the process of getting therapy that my insurance pays for is stupid enough that i want to kill every single fucking person involved in designing this process
(suicide mention tw for the tags i didn't get to put that as the first tag so now it's here)
#how the FUCK am i supposed to get an urgency code when it seems like if you admit your mental health is bad enough to warrant an urgency#code#that will just get you institutionalised#them: it seems like your mental health is so bad that i am not sure if ambulant therapy is enough for you#also them: but you don't seem like you're gonna kill yourself within the next two weeks so good luck finding a therapist#who is directly paid by the insurance and has any kind of space on their waiting list :)#like we have a list of like 20 therapists my mom contacted and not a single one even had space on a waiting list#that was shorter than a year#im kinda considering to tell the next idiot therapist i see abt this that i feel like killing myself abt all this shit#that isn't entirely true. and also i probably wont due to the fact that i dont wanna be instututionalised#but goth i am considering it#spike spoke
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stop trying to fight diet culture like this, you're not doing what you think you're doing
#tbc YES diet culture is horrible and nasty#especially with how *aestheticized* it is online#like ed & pro ana corners of the internet leak onto mainstream feeds all the time#'coquette' blogs are like a bridge between the two but that's another conversation#i genuinely believe we need to normalize women and girls eating and that bodies can just exist without looking 'camera ready'#but holy shit posts like these do not fucking help anyone with eating disorders#'have fun losing all your hair and shivering and getting dizzy!' like fuck you???#that shit only happens when someone is regularly themselves not skipping a meal#i mean skipping meals isn't good either i just mean that fainting spells and hair loss are signs of a failing body#and if someone is 'dieting' to the extant that's happening to them...that's very fucking serious!#it doesn't matter if they have a diagnosed ed or not this is such a gross way to talk about this shit#like imagine trying to combat against 'being lazy' or something#'i just went to the beach with all my friends and had a great time imagine laying in bed for days during the summer couldn't be me'#like people don't do that shit for funsies those are signs of a serious problem!!#mickey.txt#again i KNOW pro ana coquette shit is rlly prevalent on tiktok and that shit has serious consequences#but mocking obvious signs of serious mental health issues doesn't fucking help anyone!! GOD
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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starting to consider the option that i may not be the worst person on earth and i actually may even be p decent. will keep you updated as i find out more information
#you know how after a good week you may have a crash#i'm having the opposite of this rn#had terrible awful 2 weeks of mental health like we're talking being actively suicidal again and having trouble getting out of bed#and now i'm like. i'm fine i'm chill. i'm tired but i give 100% into my work and manage to get excited about things. holy shit?#but also on a personal 'maybe i'm not horrible' level. i think being around people showed me that i'm okay#like. my standards for myself are way too high. other ppl don't judge me like that. they like me a lot anyway#i try hard to be nice and polite and help in ways i can and i don't cause too much of a stir#i feel like i'm annoying sometimes but ppl still talk to me so. maybe i'm only annoying myself#or maybe being annoying isn't as big of a crime as my brain may tell me it is lol#this is very basic surface level stuff i know but. gotta start somewhere ig 😭#anyway. ignore my character development there. hope it doesn't ruin the image of the edgy kicked puppy i usually give off.
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kind of frustrating that people took "fat does not equal unhealthy" to mean "fat is not unhealthy." sometimes being obese IS unhealthy & excess fat can cause a lot of problems. ignoring health issues isn't progressive. real "oranges kill people with depression" moment
#i have a lot to say but i think it all boils down to this:#the only reason people think this way is because they experienced body shaming & bullying for their fatness#& instead of gaining a healthy relationship with their body & its needs they went full denial mode#people that aren't fat that think this way are just going with things uncritically which is also bad btw#because when you have decades of proof that being severely overweight can be detrimental to your health#(& no i don't mean fucking. supersize me. i mean medical proof that too much fat causes diseases & early death)#but you're ignoring that because a tiktok influencer that has no medical experience said so#that is a huge lack of critical thinking skills on display & people are gonna listen to that misinformation & some might die#this isn't some light shit that can be waved off as non-harmful because it IS harmful! it is actively hurting people!!#again being unhealthy isn't a moral failing & no one deserves shit for that!! but that's the whole damn point isn't it!!!#militant fat activists are so afraid of their fatness being associated with anything negative they turn right around into ableism#they don't WANT to be considered disabled! because being disabled IS a moral failing to them. disability is abnormal#& of course being morbidly obese is totally normal. because if it wasn't then they'd need to do work & handle an ED#& that's too much to grapple with mentally so. no. they're normal. super normal. don't look at the lifespan of someone over 300lb#btw i am 100% aware that a lot of this is combined with other issues like racism sexism homo/transphobia genuine fatphobia#but also sometimes they really can't operate on someone that can't recover afterwards#like i wouldn't call the vet bigoted & cat-hating for being unable to operate on my 20yo cat#Minnie would simply not survive that. because she is so damn old#unfortunately for Minnie she can't get younger but people CAN lose weight in multiple different ways#& it may seem like the world is attacking you but you really have to train yourself out of automatic bad faith reactions#''you couldn't possibly understand!!'' yeah okay i'm sooo abled & privileged you got me there (<-sarcasm. if you couldn't tell)#just because someone hasn't experienced your EXACT thing doesn't mean they can't relate & haven't gone through similar#it's so difficult to train your brain out of that shit i get that but you really really really have to. or you will die#or at least be miserable#DISCLAIMER: i'm not talking about every person who has even a little fat on their body. fat is NEEDED#but like all things too much of a good thing can cause problems & fat is not exempt#this is about morbid obesity. not someone who's like 160lb that shit is normal#& people need to stop thinking anything over 110lb is fat#because it isn't & i think most people are getting into unhealthy territory at that low of a weight#basically i view being too fat the same as being too thin. they both cause health problems & should be taken seriously
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in 2024 I wanna stop hearing about betterhelp
#elise's posts#SO many youtubers etc I like are promoting this shit#fyi for those who don't know it's a REALLY unethical business trying to take advantage of the mentally ill#and before you say 'but how else am I meant to find a therapist that does online sessions'#post-pandemic most therapists offer this#and if you want the whole 'I can text my therapist for therapy anytime 24/7' thing...#sorry I know it might sound useful but it's SUPER bad for both your own mental health and your therapist's#sorry but therapists are not meant to be there for you 24/7#that's not their job and it's really unhelpful for YOU to become dependant on a 24/7 therapist#betterhelp do not vet their therapists thoroughly#and some people say they have been evangelised to on betterhelp by preachers who ask the algorithm to assign them queer and atheist clients#many reputable therapists state that it's a terrible business model promoting unhealthy practices to patients#it claims to be the cheapest option but it's more expensive than the most expensive therapist I've ever had (I'm in the UK)#and significantly more expensive than the cheapest who was still good and probably more qualified than some people on betterhelp#you pay extra for the middleman#(being allocated a therapist you didn't choose and vet yourself isn't great anyway imo surely you want agency in this huge decision?)#and I'm sorry but pride counselling is a branch of the same company#please just look for therapists that specialise in your needs through a regulatory model and get in touch with them directly#not all of them have waitlists and tbh if every therapist on betterhelp is available whenever what does that say about them
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okay this means nothing to anyone but every time i see an anti bucktommy girlie have a horrible take i have to take a step back and realize how genuinely small they feel. like imagine throwing a fit, drawing pictures of a person as a lizard, creating blogs and posts about how much you want to kill him all over a fictional relationship that may not even last the entire duration of a show about firefighters. like permanently altering relationships and rejecting friendships over things like this. like they have such a cesspit inside themselves, they are deeply unhappy with being online in these spaces, they are tormenting themselves over something that doesn't matter and i remember how much i can't let myself fall into that like oh my god please never let me be that kind of person
#i don't wanna sound too on my high horse but i mean this so sincerely please step away from the tumblr lol#these things don't matter that much and using extreme language and isolating yourself isnt good for you or your real life#like imagine your boss finds your twitter post about how much you want to kill a fictional character#or your friends who i hope to god arent that online for your own sake just to ground you back to reality see you act like that on instagram#or your coworkers or your family or anyone in your life who's life isn't dedicated to “fandom” and shit like that#like my mental health is always in flux if im honest with myself im up and down and up and down and i always have been#literally anything can send me into a suicidal spiral and sometimes i'm actually worried about the way other people go about online space#being online is something that i can only let myself have id im feeling good and its a struggle to keep a balance#if you feel small and fragile and constantly on edge#like you're constantly fighting with something you have no control over and it makes you feel helpless
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Rubbing peppermint oil mixed in olive oil all over my body like it's a healing potion
#velvetspeaks#Woohoo my boss came into work sick as fuck the other day because no one could cover for them#And like my throat is all itchy and my body hurts but I'm trying to fight the sick allegations#Gaslighting my body into not getting sick rn#I feel like a 5 gum commercial lmaoooooo but the peppermint actually feels really good on my sore ass muscles#Hope my body just fights it offf in one go#Because I can't afford to miss work :/#We speed running illness rn lmaooooo#This isn't health advice-- Idk I do some weird ye' witch of the woods shit to feel better lol
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I've been thinking abt my critter dupes some more and it was all fun and games until I remembered that I made Mi-ma a beeta and hm. Whoops. Uh oh. (<- Considered the implications for more than 2 seconds)
#rat rambles#oni posting#it's not Too bad. shes fine. but hoo boy. the images my mind showed me were not fun.#it's ok she just needs to keep being the farmer cook that she is and gather stuff for her fellow dupes and itll all be fine#Id provide further context but then itd become too clear what Im talking abt so how abt I dont#its ok shes ok nothing bad happens to her shes just a bit quirky thats all#and even if things did go a lil wonky it wouldnt be irreversible just a bit of an issue for a bit#shes just a silly billy who's genetic makeup is a series of contradictions and anomalies#I also have it as a thing where most of the colony see her as like a baby sister since she was the first duplicant printed after quinn left#so the dupes who were already there were like oh shit there's a new one and quinn isn't here to help them adjust we have to do a good job#in their place and make sure she feels the security they helped us feel while we built this colony together#and meanwhile mi-ma was just sitting there having the joints of an 80 year old woman and the energy of a young and spry bee#some of the younger dupes in that colony actually dont like her much because they see her as kind of spoiled#liam and leira especially constantly give her gifts and let her do things she rly shouldn't do#they eventually get better abt it when it actually starts to threaten her physical well-being but it sort of starts to swing in the other#direction after a while with leira especially being rly obsessive with making sure shes not doing anything that could cause health issues#ada has some light beef with mi-ma but she starts to turn around on her a bit once she learns abt some of the stuff shes gone through#after a lil while they get to be bug buddies who are experiencing joy and whimsy together watching paint dry or smth idk
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Here I go to spend several days by myself in the North Carolina wilderness. Wish me luck. Never gone camping alone (but I have my dogs, and I trust them more than any people I know), so that's intimidating. Hopefully I don't have to fistfight a bear over whatever I'm cooking that night. Not looking forward to no toilet or shower until Monday, but it is what it is. I absolutely have to do this, for my mental health. I'm losing so much money taking the time off work to just have mountain time to myself. But I gotta. My life has been such a chaotic mess for over half a year now - everything that could go wrong, has - and I've never felt so close to just letting myself snap. I can feel it boiling right under the surface at any given time.
But yeah. Should be a time. Might post pictures upon my return (provided a bear doesn't decide I'm on the menu). Wish me luck!
#not vc sorry#camping#going to pisgah in case i never return and y'all gotta help direct the cops#should be back online sometime next week#really hoping there's no phone service so no one can bother me#i WILL hike the mountains. i WILL return to the dirt and moss from which i came.#i think it'll be good for me to just fuck off for a while and hang out with my puppies#it's just been shit after shit for so long#like. starts off with me getting fired over a false police report that no one cared was obviously fake#then the only person I've ever given a shit about says he's had a massive thing for me for years and just ghosts me?#then my mom started getting worse and is constantly blaming me for all her problems and breaking my stuff etc#like. she tells my 15 year old brother he's a failure and won't be shit at least once a day. blames me for his behavior.#then I'm getting constantly fucked over at work. treated like I'm an idiot. paid less than the guys despite doing the same work.#my physical health isn't great but what do i even do about that?#i have no control over anything in my life. it's all going to shit.#but you know what i can control? where my gay ass subaru is driven. and it's driving me to the mother fucking mountains.#and i WILL chill and relax and not stress over shit that's out of my hands!!!!!!!#it's supposed to rain a lot but who cares. just means less likelihood of other people camping near me.
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#why everytime i stumble upon content about being bi it makes me really want to stop being bi?#i'm already dealing with medical trauma and sa and now i also have to feel bad about myself bc i'm bi??#like no thank u#my plate is full#also#i hate people saying just stop choosing shitty guys and choose a sweet one#i was assaulted by one that initially looked sweet#bc guess what? they always look sweet in the beginning#that's part of their plan#sorry if i have an hard time trusting men after living in a world where a good chunk of men do extremely damaging things#uuuuugh#it's survival instinct not hate#and there are also problems with girls too that are too long to articulate in a tag section vent#i wish i could just exist in a world where attraction and having a partner isn't a big deal so my brain could detox from this damn#way of thinking that is pretty engrained#and dw i have 2 therapists atm so ig#maybe at least one of them can help me but like everything's complicated#my health has been shit for too long for my liking and my brain is slowly melting from my ears and i have random panick attacks and i just#want to exist without triggering content popping up from nowhere#emma and her stupid vent
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