#Gaslighting my body into not getting sick rn

[tormented-velveteen-heart]

Rubbing peppermint oil mixed in olive oil all over my body like it's a healing potion

[the-bi-writer-blog]

Something that’s saving my chronically ill ass rn is the concept of Occam’s Razor, and using it to believe and validate myself, and to start ignoring ignorant people who tell me it’s all in my head.

Occam’s Razor is just, “The simplest solution that accounts for all the facts is probably correct.”

IE, if I’m at home and all my lights go out at once, I’m going to assume some version of “power outage,” before I jump to something like, “ah the aliens finally landed and have begun their master plan to take over the world by sucking up all of our energy and using it for themselves.”

(CW for a personal rant about medical gaslighting below lmao)

One of these things is firmly rooted in reality and has happened before. The other is Absolutely Buck Wild.

And honestly, this is what it feels like to talk to doctors as a chronically ill person. All the fucking time.

You show up with a set of specific, well-documented symptoms that you know other humans have had. You tell your doctor about these symptoms, thinking, “Surely there’s some sort of standard procedure for investigating the cause of these common problems.”

But no. They diagnose you with aliens or anxiety. Over and fucking OVER again, for 15 goddamn years, and I cannot BEGIN to explain the mental toll that it takes on you to be like, “Oh, the power is out, I should check the breaker and/or call the power company” and to have everyone else around you be like, “Have u tried yoga though ://////“

ANYway this rant is brought to you by the fact that my (awesome new) doctor yesterday ran a Basic Fucking Test that should have been the absolute first line of inquiry for ANYONE with my symptoms.

It was positive (unsurprisingly) and I just. Cannot get over the fact that this test was RIGHT GODDAMN THERE all these goddamn years of being sick and just. No one just fucking ran it.

It’s like calling the power company to be like, “Hey my power’s out, could you come fix it?” And they tell you that you just have anxiety about the aliens. (They give you benzos and make a note about hysteria on your chart.)

Anyway. I’ve been gaslit for Way Too Fucking Long and I’m so Goddamn Tired of it. Just so fucking sick of it.

So now I’m viciously applying Occam’s Razor to every health problem in my life.

My symptoms are goddamn real and goddamn observable.

It’s not anxiety, and it’s not aliens.

It’s observable, objective symptoms that literally show up on exams.

My body and blood will tell you the story. I just need you to fucking listen.

[evansbby]

you are currently sick (get well btw baby <3 )and i am struggling with my periods rn which got me thinking a looot about poyt!Steve!!!

Now imagine if omega got her periods (she is prego but let's say it happened before that), what would it be like for Steve and their sex?

Because from one side he is this insatiable, wild sex-animal that will never stop but he is also misogynist, so will it idk disgust him away?

If not, can you only imagine how it will be? 😭 Like omega is all scared, and her belly hurts from the cramps but Steve doesn't give a shit and thrusts in anyway. As usual he uses ✨gaslighting and manipulation✨ in a form of "Cmon, baby, I will fuck the pain away" or "I heard orgasm helps with cramps down there, just the tip baby" (LMAO NOT THE TIP) and if she keeps whining he straight up tells her to stfu. It might also turn him on that she is in pain idk?

-🪐

Oh you know what would happen. POYT!Steve is a fuckboy through and through, and if he’s horny then it doesn’t matter if you’re on your period, he will take what he wants bc he usually thinks of his own pleasure first RIP 😌😭

Warnings: smut, period sex, daddy kink, noncon, coercion, a/b/o dynamics, manipulation, gaslighting

(Let’s say this takes place before omega got pregnant obviously)

“Ah, Steve! Stop, please just… Give me a second to… Ah!”

Steve’s kisses are ravenous, plump lips trailing hungrily from your mouth to your cheek and down to your jaw, so insistent as his knee nudges your thighs apart.

“Why are you wearing all this shit?” He mutters impatiently, tugging off your robe before scowling at the sight of your leggings. “You knew what time I was coming home, so why aren’t you prepared for me?”

Steve prefers you in as little clothes as possible when you’re in the bedroom. And of course you comply because when have you ever said no to him? You’re often clad in just a shirt of his and panties, sitting on the side of the bed and waiting for him to return from football practice all riled up and ready to fuck you.

But today is different.

Today, Steve had come home to you curled up in his bed — which you had basically turned into your own nest with a bunch of blankets and pillows surrounding you. You also had your trusted hot water bottle plus your fuzzy robe and fuzzy leggings too.

The same fuzzy leggings that Steve is currently peeling off your body.

“Stop, Steve, please! I can’t!”

The alpha pays you no attention, his kisses getting more desperate, and you can feel his hard dick through his sweatpants, pressing into your clothed core. And being on your period, you’re extra sensitive so you can’t help but whimper softly, “Steve, I can’t!”

“You can’t, huh? I don’t remember the word ‘can’t’ being in your vocabulary, baby.” The blond forcefully tugs your top off, throwing it somewhere behind him and licking his lips at your bare breasts, “I’ve just come home from a hard fucking day at practice. The least you could do, as my omega, is wait for me without all this bullshit covering your body. What have I told you about easy access, huh omega? Tell me.”

“That good omegas wait patiently for their daddy to come home and fuck them. Preferably with no clothes on for easier access.” You recite before pressing your lips together, knowing it’ll get him angry when you push his roaming hands off you, “B-But, Steve, this is different! I’m on my period!”

Steve stops short, blue eyes narrowing as he gazes down at you almost suspiciously. You’re not sure how he’ll react, but his crotch is still rutting into you, almost as if he can’t stop.

“I’ve got really bad cramps, Steve. M-Maybe we could just… cuddle?” You feel embarrassed saying it, and so bashful because you’ve never asked him to do anything like that before.

“My little baby wants to cuddle huh?” Steve coos, putting on that condescending voice that he does whenever he wants to baby you and do depraved things to you, “You think just because you’re on your period, it gives you the right to deny your daddy? Huh? Is that what you think?” He taps your cheek meanly.

“N-No, wouldn’t deny you!” You cry, feeling his scent start to make your senses go numb, and you’re so torn because you really want nothing more than to rip his clothes off and let him have his way with you. But you’re also cramping so badly, you know it wouldn’t be the best idea.

“Really, because it sounds like you’re denying me. Denying your alpha. After everything I’ve done for you.” Quick as a wink, Steve flips you over onto your tummy, hiking your hips up and ripping your leggings clean down the middle. “How about this, baby. You give me what I want, and then maybe I’ll consider giving you those cuddles that you want.”

“But Steve, my cramps, I, ah!” The next thing you hear is the rip of your panties, and you feel this rush of embarrassment, heat blooming on your cheeks because you’re on your period, and Steve just doesn’t seem to care, looking straight at your bare pussy and pulling at the string of your tampon, taking it out and throwing it in the bin beside the bed while you bury your head in the pillow.

“You think a little blood’s gonna scare me off, omega?” Steve swats your ass, making you yelp, “I own your sweet little pussy. You’re my omega, I have every right to fuck you whenever I want. So you better remember that the next time you try to deny me. You should know better by now, but you still find ways to disappoint me, don’t you?”

You feel a rush of anguish, hating that you’ve disappointed your alpha. But it’s soon replaced by sparks of pleasure that bloom in your belly when Steve drives his big, thick dick inside you in one unforgivingly hard thrust, distracting you from the pain of your cramps in the process.

“Oh fuck, fuck, daddy!” You whimper, grinding your hips back against him while he holds you steady with his unforgiving grip, his dick so big and invasive inside of you — he’s fucked you so many times now but you still can’t seem to get used to his size. Your pussy squelches noisily around him, stretched out and feeling used already.

“Look at my sweet little baby, on your period yet still so horny for daddy’s dick. I knew you wanted to get fucked deep down, daddy always knows.” Steve’s got one hand fisted into your hair, jerking your head back as he completely ravages you, “What if I told my friends, told everyone what a huge slut you are, getting fucked on your period?”

“N-No, please! Daddy, please don’t tell them! I, oh fuck!” You’re slowly going delirious — it’s the effect that he has on you every single time he fucks you, renders you so dumb on his cock that all you can do is whimper and moan and take it.

“God, fuck. Tightest little baby pussy I’ve ever had,” Steve murmurs through gritted teeth, the squelching sound of your arousal mixed with your blood is embarrassingly loud, but it only seems to spur him on more.

“Never fucked a girl on her period before. But you, fuck baby, you drive me insane. Can’t get enough of your tiny body. Can’t believe you’re all mine, my little baby, my omega. My fucking wife, fuck!”

Your eyes widen when he says “wife” and it’s that one word that somehow seems to drive you over the edge — that and the fact that you’re so sensitive because of your period. You squirt around Steve’s thick dick in record time, moaning and crying out his name, rutting into him to prolong your high as he continues to fuck you.

“Mm, you couldn’t help but cum already, huh baby?” Steve gives your ass another harsh slap, “Bet you were all riled up, just waiting for daddy to come home. Bet you regret denying me now, don’t you? Well don’t you worry, baby. Daddy’s nowhere near done. But by the time I am done, you’re gonna need those cuddles — because you sure as hell won’t be physically capable of doing anything else.”

[love-songs-for-emma]

reading hannigram fics is one of my greatest comforts in life rn, but on rare occasions, they make me spiral mentally. hard.

will is so fragile and so unwell in s1 and the thought of anything physical/sexual happening between him and hannibal as his encephalistis and his mental health worsens makes me sick. nbc hannibal has some extremely eff'd up scenes (including a totem pole of sewed up bodies and a man holding his own guts, awake during his own disembowling),, but the most painful part of the show for me stands as when hannibal & dr sutcliffe confirm will's brain is on fire & then blatantly lie/gaslight him about it. i'm sure this is unnerving for others, but especially as someone who is mentally ill with a traumatized unreliable memory, my heart beyond shatters for will.

and then, to read a fic post will's encephalistis being confirmed/worsening where hannibal is the one to initate any sort of physical relationship with him makes my stomach Turn and sink somehow further than before. how dare he. how DARE he take advantage of will in that way on top of everything else. framing one for your crimes so u can get off scott-free is almost not even an issue for me bc will was practically gift-wrapped for him. but to then take sexual gratification from a shattered man living mostly through the lens of episodes and mental breaks is beyond beyond fucked

[cemeteryrocks900]

Hey guys here’s some shitty shit going on rn

There was a dead body of a 14 year old girl found behind my house that was in a pond so I was questioned by the police

I’m having breakthrough bleed and cramping even though I’m on a constant birth control

I had my booster shot (3rd shot) (it’s late bc I kept getting sick) and it’s 12 hours since getting it and I feel like shit, here’s my shit symptoms:

Elevated heart rate

Cold symptoms

Confusion and dizziness

Whole body pain

Chills and shakes

Headache

Tired

Rash on both arms with hives and it’s hot and itchy

Sweaty and cold

So ya :,) and my nurse was an actual bitch today and tried gaslighting me but I stood my ground and kept standing up for what I was saying, she also kept telling me I’m still not doing any better which I am and that made me feel like shit

My dad also left for a few days again so I’m sad

I’m going to see my boyfriend again tomorrow

I’m feeling so bad about my body

Oh also I’m constipated still

[adepressedartist]

I'm just gonna vent here rn, because I don't know where to go.

I've been in a horrible headspace the last couple of days because i can't be open with something specific. And that brought me down like hell, that the fact my friend felt like shit brought me down even more, with feeling like i can't help her.

I feel isolated from my own thoughts.

I feel like a misfit, once again.

I don't know if my actions are reasonable.

I feel like I'm just the trouble maker once again. I'm bringing people down, making mistakes, horrible, horrible mistakes.

I wish i could just say "You know what? You've been the most toxic ass I've ever seen. Bye." And leave it behind to start off new.

I've been helping a friend with the search of an apartment. I'd love to live alone at first, to be honest. I'd love to live alone with nobody interrupting me in my structure, because fuck this is triggering me over and over. Even the smallest of things like he fridge being sorted in the wrong way.

This vent has no end nor beginning. No red string. Just purging my thoughts out, while I'm sitting on the bathroom floor close to passing out because i got a cold.

The body triggered itself into littlespace again because i made one wrong action.

All the progress has been lost. Only thing that's still going is being clean from heroin. And being selfharm free for a couple of days. But that's it. Everything else? Has been lost, especially because i don't know anymore how i can keep shut about this one thing that matters to me like nothing else.

Yet i feel like I'm losing most of my friends.

I don't know.

The body feels more and more suicidal because of N. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to death at this point. And the only fear i had was my mother. I wish her back. I wanna go back to her. It was always the same bullshit with her. I've got gaslighted and traumatized too.

But not this horrid.

Not this cruel.

Because she's still a loving mother that's worried about me.

I feel so sick.

I don't know.

I'm feeling blue. Black.

I'm fighting the urge to not touch the silver and destroy my skin once again.

I'm questioning my gender and sexuality because of Melly and Lexy.

This is horrible.

I thought i am a man. I've suffered through my mom's hatred, bullying, getting beaten up in the toilets, and so on to show what i am. And now I'm so so unsure. This is killing me to be honest. My whole life is moving but change is so so scary. It makes me wanna die. I wanna stay in my comfort zone.

I'm at a end where everyone except for Raven and Lexy share the same opinion that we need to be hospitalized. But what then. What. Fucking then. Go back and pretend like nothing happened? Stuff myself with pills? See that it's been another waste of time like the last times?

There's one person left that doesn't feel like it's killing me. One person that doesn't continuously trigger me. That's honest to me which I'm so thankful for. Which feels like they care for me. Which I'd protect at all cost. But they're so far out of reach. They're so close but so far away. It's still so long.

I'm scared.

Honestly.

I'm scared of everything.

I don't wanna be the tough guy anymore. I don't want to get beaten up again. I don't wanna carry the weight of 50 peoples broken hearts, ignoring mine.

Lexy and raven might be a little angry at me for writing this on a public thing. But i always did. I want someone to be able to read this, without sending it to them directly and halfway forcing them.

I don't know who i am anymore.

I always said "I am me. Simply", but I'm only a shell of who i was, am, should be, or fucking- ....

This

I'm done

I'm so done. It was such a hard torture to walk into the bathroom without passing out. I don't know if I'll pass out on my way back into bed, like i said i got the flu or something and my immune system is horrible. But we'll see.

I'll try to stay alive. I'll give my best.

[tothemeadow]

Tw// map

Hi Empress! I'm feeling really lonely rn and I wanted to get something off my chest. I tried telling my mom and she just called me dirty so I'm pretty sad rn. Umm I'm a bit young so I don't know what to do about this but block but someone in a gc I'm in came out as a map and I got bullied for saying it was wrong. Some people in there even backed him up, and made jokes saying "no wonder your fics are so good". I feel really sick rn, especially because it provides a lot of context to the conversations they've been having with me. I was just happy to have a new kny friend but he always made things sexual, I've told them no before but they just got angry. Told me that I let my other friends (that are also minors) talk to me about it so it makes them feel bad that I reject them. I tried explaining that it was because hes an adult, and he told me that I shouldn't think sexually about characters then. I felt shitty and believed them, so I told him I could handle it and he would keep talking to me about increasingly nastier things and making characters even younger than Canon age to roleplay. I brought it up again and said that I started to feel weird around them for the content and would prefer if they didn't talk to me about it, and then he accused me of saying he was a pedophile and transphobic. He got really aggressive and called me sensitive, shitty, fancop, prude. Again, I made the mistake of apologizing, I didn't want him to hate me especially because he would be nice to me outside of that. I've just been silent about everything I've been seeing. It made me really hate myself, like I lost the ability to really feel crushes or anything and I feel sick thinking about anything even vaguely spicy. So to see him openly admit that he is a map and everyone just keep supporting him killed my spirit immensely. It was only like 3 other people that stood against it and we all got pretty much told to just block. He has a decent following on kny Twitter and I know if I posted anything more people would just shit on me so. I feel like I'm a dumb whore for even letting this bother me, everyday I feel more and more like this is just my fault for being upset about it.

No, no, no, you have every right to be upset about this. All of this dwindles down to society’s viewings of such things: 1) people hate talking about things that make them feel uncomfortable, and 2) sexualization of younger people continues to increase.

And no, I’m not just saying in a pedophilia type of way, I’m just saying in general. You ever see those memes about how 13 year olds dress differently now than they did 10 years ago? It’s true. Some of the shit I see today is downright bewildering, and I honestly can’t pinpoint a time in our society where younger people had to act like this.

I guess another good point could be tiktok, and I’ve seen videos of minors doing suggestive dances, sticking out their tongues, overall having “sultry” vibes... And I’m sitting here like Jesus Christ. You all know I have a point here; some of the “famous tiktokkers” (or whatever the fuck they’re called) fall into this category.

What I’m trying to say is that society essentially promotes this type of behavior, yet still frowns upon pedophilia. Granted, pedophilia is still gross, but I feel like it’s moving into a morally gray area and that kind of frightens me. You have every right to stand up and tell this person that what he does isn’t right - even morally disgusting - and he should stop this bullshit. Of course, he’s trying to pin his toxic behaviors on you. Why? Because he’s a fucking pig who can’t stand being told “no.” I’m genuinely sorry you’re being bullied about this.

That being said, having sexual desires is perfectly normal. I don’t know if people can understand that it is literally in our genetic coding to mate and reproduce, but it’s always been regarded as vulgar. Being attracted to fictional characters is fine. Hell, I’m attracted to minor characters, but does that mean I want to have sex with them? No. Does that mean I want to have sex with regular fifteen year olds I pass by on the street? No.

When I was 12, I watched Black Butler for the very first time. I loved Ciel and developed a character crush on him; however, as I grew older, it disappeared because I realized it would be weird of me to be attracted to a 13 year old kid. Now, if I envision him in an older context and have him acting his age (let’s say in his twenties), there’s nothing wrong with that.

I understand a lot of people have issues with aging characters up. However it is still fiction. If rewrite Tanjiro to be a blond, how is that any different than having him be 20 whenever I write about him? On the other hand, if I write sexual things about him when he’s in a twelve year old’s body, I fully expect somebody to clap my ass.

It is not your fault for being upset about this. It is not your fault this guy is acting like a fucking jackhole. It is not your fault for wanting to protect others. This guy is gaslighting you (and I may be using the wrong terminology here) for making it seem like you’re the problem here.

Humans are curious by nature. Humans are sexual by nature. Humans are not pedophiles by nature. This guy has made a decision to be attracted to minors, and he’s simply trying to “convert” you or whatever. You should be proud for not following the crowd of your group chat and letting him slide with this. And yes, I personally believe people should live how they want, but if they’re in any shape or form endangering others, that’s where I draw the line.

Frankly, him treating you this way is disgusting. I want to castrate him. Thank you for listening to my rambling.

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Don’t Praise the Almighty (Part 1)

Also on AO3

hold on to your hats everyone - this is part one. i was going to put them together, then i realised part two is 6000 words and thats just too long 

TW for: implied abuse of all kinds, straight-up physical and emotional child abuse, gaslighting, all might if he was a terrible person.

TL;DR: 

Things you must sacrifice to make a hero: Humanity, Empathy.

Things you must sacrifice to be a hero: Everything.

izuku wants to be a hero, imagine the first ep happens etc. yagi doesnt so much say "you can be a hero" as "ill make you a hero"

an aside: inko is an absent parent, to make ends meet and a poor way of coping with a missing Hisashi. Izuku grows up without any positive adults figures in his life.

yagi makes izuku train and train and train, the kid’s hands bleed and his legs ache but allmight makes him keep going. allmight says he's useless and pathetic and a crybaby and izuku believes him, because he's allmight

they spar and yagi just holds back enough to not let izuku get hurt too badly to train. even katsuki is disturbed bc quirkless deku is coming to school with black eyes and swollen wrists

when katsuki calls him pathetic izuku just nods

"ill get better though"

and katsuki feels so gross he doesnt try to fuck with izuku for weeks

and so izuku is so convinced this is normal because katsuki does it, and mum does it, and now allmight? thats just how you treat kids he thinks. or quirkless ones at least

hes still a big fan of allmight because he doesnt see whats wrong. hes just pathetic and useless but then he'll get a quirk and he'll be worth something for the first time in his life

he barely sleeps, barely eats, just trains and studies and trains some more. he collapses. all might stands there until izuku gets back up and makes him keep running

reasons all mights like this

he is 1, suffering from internalised quirk discrimination

2, nana's dead bc she wasn't "strong enough"

3, he thinks he can shape izuku into the perfect selfless hero, and better person than he ever was.

hes convinced this is for the greater good. hes a dick but hes so sure hes in the right here

by the time of the entrance exam izuku is,,, kinda fucked up

he passes with flying colours because he used his quirk for the first time, broke his arm, and immediately moved on to snaping finger after finger. the teachers watched on, horrified as this child mutilated himself to get points

all might smiled. because this is what he wanted.

he saves ochacco too

he gets in and allmight is pleased with him, even more pleased than the time izuku admitted he hadn't slept for 72 hours and still got a perfect score on his test

and izuku thinks this was all worth it to see his hero smile at him

izuku is in 1A

izuku actually listed that he feels less pain due to his quirk, which aizawa believes but hes still not sold on the idea of a hero that destroys themselves. he doesnt know if izuku heals better or faster, but he's sure that may broken bones cant be good

aizawa is convinced he's going to expel izuku during the quirk test. the look he sees on izuku’s face when he says he's expelling the lowest scorer makes his stomach churn

because all of the other kids look worried, nervous

izuku looks like hes going to throw up.

the kid is trembling and pale and aizawa watches as he turns to ochako, smiles brightly and says "let's do our best" while he holds back full body tremors the other kids don't see

he breaks toes and fingers and he cries but he doesn't flinch at the pain

the only time he flinches is when someone looks him in the eyes, if someone speaks too loud, and at the firecracker pops of katsuki's quirk

and aizawa feels sick

the ball toss, he just can't watch this kid break anymore, and he stops his quirk

for a second he freezes, because this kids quirk manages pain, he'll be feeling all of those broken bones, he'll obviously notice

right?

but izuku doesnt notice his missing quirk until he throws the ball. he turns around, looking sick. aizawa feels so lost when he looks at him with pure relief

"oh, you're eraserhead"

izuku tears up for the first time in that class.

"please give me back my quirk"

aizawa feels so lost he blinks, and his quirk drops with it. there is something totally wrong about the utter relief the kid feels having this horrifically damaging quirk back, and there is something bothering aizawa about it, but he doesn't know what

"dont use your quirk for the rest of this test, kid. not unless you can use it without breaking something"

izuku nods but aizawa knows the kid will just try to hide it. he takes him by the shoulder when the others have moved on

"i mean it, midoriya. no quirk, or i'll expell you on the spot"

and izuku just looks so lost

"but, i have to? i'm-"

"you didn't flinch when i took your quirk. you can feel every broken bone, can't you?"

izuku just nods, like walking with broken toes is normal, like throwing a ball with broken fingers is easy. aizawa knows it's not

he just sighs.

"no quirk. we'll work on training it after. you're ahead enough not to fail the course, go to recovery girl now. you aren't expelled"

izuku just looks hurt

aizawa shoos him away and almost misses the thin form of all might slink out from behind the wall to follow izuku

he's worried, and confused. But he can't just, abandon a field of kids

he texts hizashi bc that's just who he texts when he's panicking, and he asks him to look out for smallmight and izuku, somewhere on the way to the infirmary. so present mic turns on the first movie he finds on his computer (an english language copy of rocky) yells "ENGLISH PRACTISE TIME" and runs out the door

1C is so lost

anyway, present mic can be quiet when he tries and when he hears the sound of allmight sternly talking to a student that's crying? he tries real fucking hard

he basically catches

"you're supposed to be stronger than this, why did he make you stop?"

"he saw my bones breaking-i couldnt-"

"and so you flinched? didn't we train?"

"i didnt flinch! he made me stop!"

allmight backhands him

"dont waste it. either get better at hiding it or learn to use your quirk without breaking bones quickly or ill find another successor. one that isn't useless."

present mic hears izuku agree and cry and he feels ill. he sneaks back a little further, then loudly walks down the hall. allmight smiles at him, and he wants to punch the man

izuku smiles at him too, tears in his eyes but like he's happy to see another hero. present mic cant understand why izuku is pressed so close to a man that hurt him, like he's more afraid of present mic than allmight

he walks with them to recovery girl, chatting like he was meant to be there. hes so grateful allmight is new, because he totally has a class he's meant to be teaching right now and that would be so suspicious if he knew his schedule 

he walks them all the way to the door, and he lingers. there is a touch of steel in his eyes when he tells allmight to take care because what he really means is "take care of yourself because i will not"

and hes halfway down the corridor before he freezes

why did izuku seem so comfortable with a man he shouldn't know

anyway present mic is having a quiet breakdown for 20 seconds before he sprints back to his class, pretends he never left, and panic texts aizawa

so aizawa, with a little great context, knows that that, particular, conversation wasn't as,,, unsavoury,,, as it could,,, be implied,,,

but like,,,,,, he's really lost on why izuku would know small might and he's very worried

bakugo is fuCKinG PisSed

izuku left?? and he wasn't expelled???

Any,,, unsavoury implications arent something I'm going to talk ab in this au bc it doesn't need to be worse,,, but it's very much intentional

so aizawa is having an actual moral crisis rn bc hizashi isn't a liar and he doesn't want to like, not believe when he saw. but really? the symbol of peace is terrible??? and hizashi doesn't want to believe it either. both of them as so sure they are just missing context or something

bakugo stalks up to recovery girls office after class bc wtf deku?? and he walks in to just see izuku blankly picking at new white scars

he actually perks up when katsuki enters

and there is this man standing over izuku. this man he's seen with izuku before, yelling at him, but someone izuku seems happy to be around. it's not deku’s dad, he knows that. and the guy is too blonde and tall to have literally any relation to him.

a lot of the fire in katsuki goes out when he sees how tired izuku looks, and the question he was going to yell becomes more of a mumble

"so, you have a quirk now? just like that?"

he looks up and he sees that man's hand on izuku's shoulder, curled like a claw, so tight it must hurt. but izuku doesn't flinch or shy away, he smiles softly

"i'm really lucky, huh kacchan?"

and as much as izuku looks like he believes it, katsuki has the strongest feeling that this is the worst possible thing that could have happened to his once-friend

he just leaves

and he almost runs straight into his new teacher. they lock eyes and even though katsuki doesn't know whats going on, aizawa doesn't know whats going on, they both just know something is happening

and its not good

but what can they do

hes the symbol of peace

recovery girl is 100% in denial bc she new baby toshi and he's a dork but he's a good boy

izuku gets knocked tf out by recovery girls heal and toshi carries him out of the school grounds and shes like "how cute"

honestly they get to they gate, he wakes izuku up and reminds him to run home to get in the extra cardio, and izuku does. all the way home.. not only bc yagi wanted him to, but that's a big bit but bc if he was late hed wouldn’t get dinner

so the battle trial

so aizawa is like,,, : | ab everything

so he attends the battle trial rather than take the nap he really fucking wanted

the kids come out in their costumes and something sits poorly about the way izuku positively preens at almighty compliments. so basically it goes like the show, but allmight doesnt try to stop Bakugo. aizawa doesn't have audio, but he sees what the kids see and rips the mic out of allmights hand to tell bakugo to stop

he doesnt have to, though

because izuku has already vanished from sight

bakugo looks lost, aizawa is worried, but allmight just looks smug because a second later, izuku drops from the ceiling where he swung up, and punches bakugo in the back of the head

allmight grins and it looks nasty

izuku gives bakugo a once-over to make sure hes ok, wraps his wrists, then puts him in the recovery position and scampers out of the room to ochako

aizawa is lost, because that is c l e a r l y combat training. from the back of the room, todoroki starts watching in earnest

with ochako, he grabs the bomb. they walk out of the exercise and all might congratulates them on winning and izuku looks so happy! but allmight isn't done

"young midoriya, why didn't you use your quirk?"

the only people that notice the way he pales are todoroki and aizawa

"sorry sir, i didn't want to disappoint mr aizawa"

allmight nods, and he smiles but aizawa doesnt like it

"thats ok my boy, we'll have to see about getting you some out of class quirk training, huh?"

izuku smiles. hes happy, but he looks panicked

he looks guilty about being afraid

aizawa silently tells his agency he needs the week off to investigate something personal, and they readily give him the time off

izuku mumbles happily to himself about the exercise, stilling when all might looks gazes with him. he stops, flushes, and apologises. allmight nods.

he begins again, but hes not mumbling anymore, hes speaking clearly and concisely with the other students, even though he doesnt want to talk to them, he just wants to think. but allmight says to talk clearly to everyone or to remain silent and he just wants so badly to talk about the exercise

todoroki looks between izuku and allmight and he wonders

USJ time baby

allmight uses up his time, like before

the difference is, when the nomu comes for aizawa? izuku doesnt hesitate to jump in. thats what allmight wanted. he wanted someone so selfless that "would i give my life for them" isn't even a question that would cross their mind, they would just move

izuku stalls. he's shivering and shaking, walking on broken toes but he stands between aizawa and the nomu and he smiles

shigiraki looks at izuku and doesn't see a hero in training. he sees someone like him, like his league. someone who has be stepped on and ruined and reborn

and he wants him

when he sees something he likes, he wants it. like his sensei and his quirks. shigiaki collects people like action figures to use how he likes

anyway, he sees this little 'hero' and for all his stubbornness he knows he won't get izuku today

so he does what his sensei did to him all those years ago

he shows kindness. just enough to break him

he looks izuku in the eyes and says

"hero society is so rotten they break children into weapons to fight other broken pieces. whats fair about that?"

and izuku looks stunned. he drops his smile.

"from one broken piece to another, i wont shatter you today."

kurogiri moves izuku and aizawa just outside of the usj

they cant get in, aizawa has no quirk to break through the walls and izuku is shell shocked

he takes a second to look at aizawa like his world is falling down and aizawa understands.

and then

allmight appears

and aizawa hates himself for how relieved he feels

allmight looks at izuku and izuku smiles so wide. and then he frowns

"they want to kill you"

"they aren't the first, my boy."

and izuku pauses

"they seem pretty sure they can, sir."

and allmights smile looks meaner

"what, you really think so little of this old man?"

and izuku shakes his head violently

"not at all! no, im sorry-"

allmight looks at his student and suddenly there isnt a wall anymore, blasted into tiny shards by allmight’s punch. izuku scrambles inside after him

aizawa tells him to stay outside, to stay safe. but allmight levels a glare at him that almost hurts to meet. aizawa cringes and rushes after them, cradling broken arms

the fight ends much the same, but upon seeing izuku in the way on his hand, shigiraki closes his fist

allmight doesn't miss that

and, with that the other teachers arrive. and again, present mic and aizawa wonder why izuku knows allmight small form

oh also just as a weird powerplay thing, allmight calls izuku by his first name in private while izuku calls him sir everywhere

aizawa has the worst of the injuries, but years of sleep deprivation mean he can pretty easily resist the call of sleep after recovery girls quirk. not that anyone knows that. so he hears the edges of a conversation between hero and student

he hears sobs and a slap and apologies from both parties. he hears a louder conversation on training after class to better use izuku’s quirk and aizawa decides he's going to force himself into this 'training' because he doesnt like the optics on any of this

allmights angry that the villains were fond of izuku, bc that means izuku was doing something wrong, right? and he's also angry izuku barely used his quirk, but he does kinda understand needing to be able to walk still

anyway in the training we get the joy of a creepy scene of yagi assessing the physique of a barely dressed izuku

aizawa isn't there yet and boy howdy does he feel ill when yagi walks out of the changing rooms a few minutes before izuku does

anyway so it doesn't take long for yagi and aizawa to get izuku using his quirk w/o achy breaky bones and izuku is proud, and so is aizawa

but yagi just kinda pipes in with "about time" and izukus face crumples

aizawa just says "better late than never" and izuku gives a watery smile

yagi scares enji but he just royally pisses off todoroki

bc todoroki just looks at the guy

"big strong me, what you gonna do, punch me? yeah right bastard and i'll go screaming to the press. I dont give a fuck what you think you dick of an old man!"

please izuku is totally convinced that this is just normal training, that yagi is doing his best and a teacher, is doing right by him. and shouto is just,,, he doesnt know the whole story. just knows that all might scares izuku and that all mights secretary has a connection to him

but he knows that yagi was creepy enough to make his old man have bad vibes and thats an achievement

Enji sat, reigning back a snarl as the green boy threw Shouto -his Shouto- from the ring, to land on his back in a graceless cloud of dust. Beside him, All Might’s secretary grinned. It wasn’t a nice grin, like the hero, but a nasty crawling one that made Enji feel cold even with his flames dancing around his face.

Enji had never liked the man, his instincts telling him there was something horrifically off about him. But the number one hero had resources he couldn’t dream of, so he kept his lips shut.

“Well done, my boy.”

There was no familial resemblance between the skeletal man beside him, and the boy who stood both victorious and broken where his son should have been. No resemblance to the hulking oaf of a hero either. But their quirks were markedly similar, as were their smiles, if the boy’s was a little kinder.

The man turned to him, all polite smiles and condolences for his son’s loss.

The smug aura around him so strong that Enji allowed himself, for just a second, to pity the boy in green.

Its just tenya and todoroki who know

and quickly bakugo too, bc he was there for shoutos tragic backstory reveal, which included izukus too

and like,,, mic and aizawa are in denial bc jesus christ its the number one hero and hes normally so nice

izuku v katsuki babey!

basically izuku starts to panic and bakugo stops the fight and grabs his hand

"pull yourself together deku. forget everyone else, this is just a fight between me and you, go it?"

and izuku gives a shakey smile, and nods. bakugo releases his hand

"lets start this again, huh izuku"

"sure thing kacc-. Katsuki"

and then fiGHT and its great and its a tie bc they are both so fucking exhausted. izuku and bakguo have to get hauled to their feet by midnight, but both of them are grinning

izuku has trouble w his hero name, like, a l o t bc everything he comes up with yagi says no

but yagi wont give him any ideas eventually izuku just ends up with his hero name being "nine" bc yagi liked that one

katsuki can just,,, tell izuku doesn't like it (bc it reduces him as a hero down to his quirk)

(he wants the name jackrabbit)

he has no supports in his costume bc "it makes you look weak" and no support gear either

ok so , his bones are less fucked than canon zuku but hes willing to break them fucking constantly

aizawa actually comes up to him before the sports festival and says "you break your bones, you get disqualified. no excuses"

yagi is p i s s e d but just nods politely to aizawa tells izuku hed better do as aizawa says, as stupid as a request it may be

also izuku really,, wants to paint his nails dumb glittery colours like ochako and mina do so they paint his nails for him! and then at lunch yagi scrubs the polish off with a dish scrubber

to make it worse, mina is sad izuku took it off, but she just

pauses

when she sees his fingers are almost bleeding

"midoriya, what happened?"

"oh haha funny thing, one of our teachers said i might get a uniform violation so i got a little enthusastic with scrubbing it off, sorry!"

aizawa just winces

one of the finals nails in the coffin is todoroki asking if "the tall thin blonde guy" is izukus dad

aizawa says no

todoroki says "good"

s t a i n a r c

so izuku finds iida and steps between iida and stain, starts fighting him, todoroki shows up, stain starts rambling about how allmight is the best hero and todoroki gives him a strange look

"i used to agree. but seeing allmight at school, i dont think hes the icon of morality everyone says"

izuku is spluttering, denying it, stain is just watching them. so stain isnt even fighting them, hes interested. bc this selfless kid is the one shigiraki wants

iida is lost too and he gets this,,, look in his eyes like he's starting to connect some dots

anyway, fight proceeds, they win the nomu tries to carry izuku off, stain stops the nomu and saves izuku and vaguely he realizes the way izuku just, sits in his arms, like he doesnt know how to react to being touched, and he pushes it aside

and he holds izuku close because all he knows is that this boy is kind and good and the world has hurt him and he says that this boy he is holding is the only hero hes ever worth met their salt

oh but after the hero killer thing, yagi storms into the office and hauls izuku out by his injured arm

and tenya and shouto just feel sick

"should, should we tell all might? about how his secretary treats midoriya?"

shouto just glares at the half-open door, quiet apologies drifting down the hall until they turn another corner

"i'm quite sure that man already knows."

[tellywoodtrash]

sanjivani 10.10.19 lb

"no! never!" siddhu pls. jhoot aata nahi toh bolte kyun ho?

ishani literally shoved a needle into her finger to get out of this hellish situation. #relatable.

SIR PLS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!!?!?!? THAT TOO WITH THAT PARTICULAR EXPRESSION?!?! KYA KEEMAT REH GAYI HAI TUMHARI "NOOOOOO!!!! NEVERRRR!!!!" KI AB???????

ALSO MY GOD FUCK THAT TITLES CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DESERVE TO HAVE AN UNOBSTRUCTED VIEW OF THIS SCENE FFS! ALSO TO GIF!!!!!!1

ouff kya haiiiiiiii yeh banda???? sexy sucking on her finger one minute, pretending to RAWR like a 5 year old and breaking into giggles the next. kyaaaa karooooon main iska???????

(also holy shit that one deep sigh he did in the middle. fuck. fuckkkkkkkkk.)

ugh they're too stinking cute.

i would kill for all of anjali's saris. (and just her general demeanor.) i too wanna be a classy, badass, sari wearing type who strikes the fear of god into the hearts of grownass men.

*looks down at the cat nightshirt i'm still wearing even though i woke up 6 hours ago and sighs*

i love this side of shashank that only comes out with anjali. it's fucking adorable. i need more of it.

OH GOD NOW WHAT MORE SACH THAT JUHI NEEDS TO KNOW?!?!??!? OUFF YAAR WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LIVE IN PEACE WRT AT LEAST ONE DYNAMIC IN THIS SHOW?????

oh ho anjali. what can juhi do if he can't regulate his bp?????? like..... ajeeb hi accusations hain tumhari.

how many more signs from the universe will you two idiots keep ignoring?????

the universe, literally:

"good morning!"

"good morning."

"kaahe ki good morning?!?! raat ka tera nasha utraa nahi aur aa gaye tere dr. sid, subah subah tujhe behkaane!"

LMAO I REALLY REALLY LOVE ALTER!EGO ISHANI.

"haaye ishani, tu kaam kaise karegi? jeeyegi? ya pal pal tadap ke maregi????"

lmaooooo phir shut up chilaaa diya.

"excuse me???? subah subah chai ki jagaah kuch lagaake aayi ho kya???" lololololol a most pertinent question.

juhi has had enough of this slander. rightfully so.

sayantani's sass face is excellent and i love her.

juhi making desperate plea to be friends.

REJECTED. oh anjali, i don't see you being no. 2 in your dad's life, at all. he's so different around you. you're comparing wholly different relationships.

oh. anjali doesn't care that shashank loves someone. ("mere dad pyaar deserve karte hain.") it's just that it's juhi, who's just a few years older than her. valid, i suppose. iss chakkar mein the daughter in legally blonde ne toh khoon hi kar diya tha, toh i guess anjali's relatively restrained.

ofc kal ke liye scheduled operation has complications and has to be done today.

i don't get what specialty these two are? i thought they were general surgery residents, but now they're gonna operate on a cardio patient with blockages in his heart??? matlab........ ok i guess?

will we finaaaaaaaaallllly see rahul today???

nope. koi dr. basu hai.

OH GOD, THEY KILLED THAT PREGNANT GIRL. AND ARE LETTING HER BODY DECOMPOSE?!!? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! WHAT. THE. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

JESUS VARDHAN, WHAT THE FUCK KINDA VAADEIN HAVE YOU DONE AND TO WHOM?!!?!?!? THE FUCKING DEVIL HIMSELF?????

I NEED SHASHANK AND SID TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS AND KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUTTA YOU IN THE SANJIVANI LOBBY. ANJALI AND ISHANI SHOULD GET TURNS TOO, AND GET TO KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE FUCKING HEAD.

oh boy, it's gonna be sweet puchku neil who's gonna get all up in this. PLEASE GOD HE'S TOO NICE AND SWEET AND MELLOW, HE WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

vardhan's relentless faux!chivalry when dealing with women freaks me out. it's so obvious that it's fake as fuck, but he just cannot stop compulsively performing it whenever around a woman. it's very very very creepy and menacing.

literally fuck you vardhan. don't be gaslighting my neil like this.

doesn't look like sid and ishani are gonna make it out in time for jessi's mehendi/sangeet.

ugh, this asshole.

god that was one longasssssss surgery.

oh boy. is jessi ok?!?!

oh. shit.

sigh. the chemo is making her hair fall.

oh man, this is the sweetest fucking story. and i'm really really invested, coz vedika is selling it so wellll. the alternating fond reminiscing and teary frustration. such a compelling actress!

LMAO RISHABH, LEARN TO READ THE ROOM MAN. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LOSER?!?!

neil and rahil are both suchhhhhhh snarkLords, but at the opposite ends of the spectrum. while neil delivers his sass all sweetly, barely letting the person know they're being dissed; rahil gives less than zero fucks and just savagely destroys the person, and walks away humming to himself.

seriously, will i ever get over how soft this boy is? forget a male lead in fiction, how often do we even get to see men in real life even, get this affected by a side effect of being sick like this, especially when it's something "vain" like hair? men don't really understand what hair is to most women, and how much identity is attached to it, and even the slightest alterations to how it looks can affect mood/sense of self worth. and this dude here is crying with jessi about the loss of her hair (actually the loss of her life as she knows it), coz he empathizes with her to that extent.

with every passing episode, i love and appreciate siddhant mathur more and more. :’))))))

ugh fuck this douche. why the f is he wearing sunglasses indoors at like 9 in the fucking night????

"dr. shashank, aap hindustan ke sabse behtareen neurosurgeon hain, dimaag ke doctor. pata kar lijiye, ke vardhan ke dimaag mein chal kya raha hai."

"that i will, pakka, i promise you! aur jis din mujhe koi ganda sa tumour nazar aa gaya na, usse wahin ke wahin operate karke nikaal denge."

GODDAMN. KAHIN DR. SHASHANK RAHIL KE BHI PAPA TOH NAHI, COZ FUCK, THE LEVEL OF SAVAGERY.

GOD I HATE VARDHAN SO MUCH, I TOH SAY IDHAR HI SCALPEL SE CHEER-PHAAD DAALO SAALE KO. HARAAAMI INSAAN.

chandni's asha accent keeps slipping in and out. :///

god juhi looks so good.

gurdeep has really glowed up with age, she looks even better now than she does in the flashbacks to S1.

damn, ishani's social skills have really grown exponentially. she's being even more effective than sid at consoling jessi, which..... honestly, my heart is so full rn.

also god, i'm so so so glad surbhi's finally back in form. finally this show is using her potential, with the comedy and these kinda heartfelt emotional scenes.

ok time for self-love hype talk. kinda ehh, but i like the spirit.

sid needs to be a motivational speaker. matlab.... wow.

ah fuck, i held out for this long, but lost it at this shot of ishani and sid crying together. fuck i love them both so much.

———————————————————————

Y'ALL ARE RUINING MY GODDAMN LIFE, YOU STUPID FUCKS.

(though i did catch a glimpse of a BTS of this scene and know what's coming up and pfffffffft, bedagarkkk ho tum dono ka.)

[angelic-nana]

Waiting for blood work to come back knowing regardless of what it says a medical professional will still find a way to gaslight me into thinking I’m fine. I’m getting really tired of making shit money… like i do double the work and get paid so much less. It makes me miss toxic ass retail so much. I miss having money to have fun with and actually putting away savings. I’ve been literally pulling from my saving to get people Christmas presents 🥴 makes me fucking sick.

If I end up getting diagnosed w something I might really start seriously rethinking working in preschool and go back to something with less stress on my mind and body. It really sucks but like my achey constantly and so fucking depressed… I’d honestly be making more nannying rn. I know for a fact I won’t be with this school for more than another year because they don’t offer health insurance and I’m going to be getting off my parents in 2 years

I wish I wasn’t such a ❄️material gorl❄️ but I fucking am and I’m getting sick of living like this 🥴🥴🥴

[yaminerua]

Y’all I am seriously not having a good time rn

And like yeah literally no-one is because this year is a fucking disaster but god..... I feel like I’m getting backed onto the edge of a cliff by stress...

I’m sorry I’ve been slow with commissions and barely got any new art done but man I just don’t have the emotional or physical energy to...

This year has been one year after another of stressful or upsetting things even just in my personal life alone and that’s not even INCLUDING the state of the world and everything else going on...

Like god my papa died this year and I knew he was going to eventually because cancer is a fucking Bitch but it happened faster than anyone thought only a few days before the UK’s lockdown was finally put in place. So I couldn’t go to the funeral. But my aunt had said even before we knew we wouldn’t be allowed that if my brother and I showed up there’d be a war. Because of all the Stupid Family Nonsense that has just been swirling and bubbling and frothing over the years. My gran is torn between wanting me to visit cos I’d be good company and hating my guts because of all the Shit that’s happened.

I dunno how to abridge it... it’s mostly them rewriting history or just straight up misinterpreting the ways or reasons things happened and pinning it all on my dad, his family, and my and my brother instead of the actual people who fucked everything up, those being the crooked lawyers who fucked us over 20 years ago, my mum after her meltdown changed her into a horrible person and her family who tried to gaslight, kidnap, blackmail and manipulate us all the fuckin way.

We were terrified of them because they tried to kidnap us and keep us from dad, tried to lie to us and change the way events unfolded by telling us completely false versions of events despite the fact we were present for most of them and they absolutely did not play out the way they wanted us to believe. Tried to brainwash us against my dad and his family and then turned around and tried to say that him and his family were trying to brainwash us against THEM.

So much distress and upset happened whenever we visited and other things happened that were just plain terrifying fear-for-our-lives shit that we just. Didn’t feel safe going over anymore. But they refuse to accept that. And think we just cut them off and abandoned them (which is rich since actually the cutting off happened from their end first but, again, they loooove to rewrite history).

So all of that mess is being continuously dug up to guilt trip us and make us feel bad because our cousins hate us, my aunt Despises us, and my gran wobbles in between of wanting to see us and also despising us too.

I made an effort to rebuild the bridges that had been burnt because I wanted my papa to know I didn’t hate him and that I wanted him to see me again and know that an effort was being made to patch things up because I knew that was what he wanted. And he never deserved to have been cut off from us. It was the women in the family who were being the assholes and he was just for the most part caught up in it.

He was so happy to see me and happy to think the family was beginning to come together again. Unfortunately his daughter and her sons do not respect his wishes. And my mum flip flops because she’s still affected by what happened to her more than 15 years ago. Her head got so messed up by all the legal stress and the brainwashing from her mum and sister that she just. Doesn’t remember what was real or what was false anymore. But also won’t ever listen to our side because it’s Wrong By Default.

So we ‘abandoned’ her in her eyes and she will Always try to Remind us. of that and all the other bullshit she wants us to believe.

My phone anxiety is directly related to her and Now I have to talk to her everyday because my papa’s death unfortunately opened up the communications that I’d forced closed for years to protect my own mental health.

But this year has just been ‘fuck your mental health’ so. naturally that wish gets kicked out the window and the phone can’t be refused anymore.

Sometimes the calls are ok. She talks about herself for 2 hours and then that’s it. other times it becomes a rant, an attempt to convince, an attempt to deliberately make me feel awful and Oh Boy is she Good At That. And I can’t hang up on her because that pisses her off More and then she’ll write a horrible email to my brother where she tries to pull the same shit on him and I refuse to have him have to deal with that because for SOME FUCKIN REASON she only pulls this shit on the phone with me and NEVER DOES THIS TO HIM.

God. Why.

Anyway that’s just one thing that’s persistent and continuous. And I make myself sadder about it watching old home videos we found from 20 years ago. One of them I’d never seen was the literal day I was born and it.... it shook me so much I broke down watching it. It’s like watching good days, innocent days when all seemed well, knowing the future and how wretched and awful and deeply traumatising the years ahead are for that little kid who has no idea what’s awaiting them.

Cue lockdown and my dad and brother and I are looking after my granny. She had a stroke 2 years ago, hit her head on a cabinet and had constant UTIs for months and then had another stroke last year and as a result her mind is foggier than it used to be and her mobility isn’t what it was so she requires a lot of constant watch and care.

None of this is her fault, but I’m just not built for the long-run in a carer position. The first year put me into a meltdown, and I had another worse one last year and I was dreading if there would be one this year because I’d felt so on-edge and burnt out.

And then lockdown happened and the chances to get away for a bit of respite to recharge my batteries went out the window. Dad had no help to balance his work calls which sometimes went on all day, and granny. Other than me, but for reasons I have yet to finally have an answer for, my body has just been having problem after problem that leaves me drained and/or in pain and less able to do the physical help I was doing before. Doing the cooking and washing up to take it off dad, and getting up to keep an eye on granny or help her with personal care like I used to.

I’ve had this goddamn pain that doctors haven’t been able to find a diagnosis for since April now and it’s just become more and more limiting and I’m on a waiting list to get referred and god only knows when that will actually end up happening.

Doctors suggested it might have been stress that brought it on and the response to that is usually to reduce stressors but like. My life is the stressor so idk how to fix that. I can’t get away because guilt and stress over dad having to handle it all would follow me anywhere I went anyway even if i COULD go somewhere else for a break.

My uncles aren’t very helpful either. One makes excuses not to come and help and the other WILL go on a throwing out spree if he was to come in and I cannot trust him to not throw out important sentimental stuff without a second thought as to whether it was wanted because he’s done that before.

Plus that one has had his own health scares and even had a bit of a mental health crisis in the middle of the year which was probably brought on by the isolation and distancing stuff lockdown brought about.

One major contributor to the daily stress was the nagging worry that there was gonna be a Major Event this year that hadn’t happened yet. There’ve been major events that put granny is hospital without fail every year for the past... 4 but maybe even 5 years. It felt inevitable. But also terrifying because hospital felt like the worst place for her to go this year with all the virus stuff happening...

We had carers coming in to help with her but they weren’t really that... great. Wore their masks under their noses, didn’t self isolate when they got sick before they could get tests and lo and behold, despite the fact I hadn’t been out anywhere and the only contact I had beyond my own family were the carers, I got a cold which thankfully really was Just a Cold.

Not wanting to risk granny even getting a cold I stuck to my room and only came out to use the toilet or grab food/drink and all times I left my room I wore a mask and used sanitiser before I even left the room so I wouldn’t put anything on any surfaces. I was careful.

But either I wasn’t careful enough, or whoever gave ME the cold passed it to dad as well. Because then he got sick. And he didn’t have the option to distance himself from granny. Because I was still sick too and my brother Doesn’t do the personal care. So he wore a mask and tried to look after her while coughing and sneezing his guts out.

We thought we were gonna be ok. But then it happened. She got the cold anyway. We think it was a different carer who gave her it because this one was Really Hacking Up A Lung with her. Mask on still but, idk, the hands on care means you’re up real close and even a mask doesn’t stop everything. Plus this woman would pull her mask down to speak sometimes it was....?????

So granny got a cough and cold and we prayed it wasn’t covid and thankfully it doesn’t seem to have been. She’d had a cold in february so we thought ok if we just keep looking after her and help her fight it off we’ll be ok.

September 11th, one day before her birthday, at half 7 in the morning dad woke me up yelling for me to grab the phone so he could call an ambulance.

She was slumped against him in the top floor landing, face drooping, unresponsive and making deep loud groans that sounded honestly like a cow’s moo. It was an awful sound.

It then progressed to a weird rattly, wet breath. Like you’re trying to suck the last water out through a straw in a cup with just ice in it. Like a rattly snore but from the throat and not the nose.

Ambulance came and they said her blood pressure was high and still rising. She was absolutely unresponsive and cold and clammy to touch. The only response they could get was pinching her ear and she let out a loud pained groan.

They took her away and it was later just assumed to be a chest infection so she was put on antibiotics.

I think just. The accumulated stress of everything else just. Hit me like a train. It’s horrible to be relieved to get a break because someone’s gone into hospital because it felt like there was no other way you were going to get a break. But I felt so burnt out it happened anyway and I feel awful for it. my body was in so much pain and my head and everything was just exhausted from stress and exhaustion in general.

She wasn’t in very long though and I think before we knew it was a chest infection related collapse we’d all assumed it was a third stroke and thought she was going to be in for as long as she had the last few times to rehabilitate.

I honestly hate what ended up happening next.

The stress of it all just blew up and I had several days of frequent uncontrollable panic attack-type meltdowns.

I just. I lost complete control of myself. Slamming my head against the wall and floor and counters, scratching my arms, pulling my hair out and just.... screaming so loudly my throat was so so raw. This happened every day. I got into a negatively spiralling process of overthinking and overworrying and just melted down into a fit of stress

The third day of this, dad called the ambulance on me,which made me feel so so so much worse for wasting their time on something I wish I’d had enough mental control of myself to just. stop from happening....

they sat with me for nearly 2 hours and once I was able to even speak relatively coherently at all I just cried about everything from childhood trauma to everything else that’s all combined to fuck me up.

The lady called the mental health folks because she felt I definitely needed to see someone for some support and put me on with one of the women on the phone but that woman was so incredibly unhelpful and passive aggressive even the ambulance lady was shocked and apologised for that person’s behaviour but god it has just absolutely wrecked my faith in being able to get any help for all of this mess.....

I honestly feel.... terrified of myself.... Because I’ve had meltdowns before but I’ve never had one so bad I lost control of myself. Like I could have legitimately harmed myself in that mess. I even wanted to. It was the closest I’ve come in a long time of actually being like wow I could Actually Follow Through with Killing Myself and it terrified me because fuck at least that time years ago when I was planning on doing it I was more in control of the action and was able to stop....

Now I’m not even sure if I got in that state again I would be able to stop myself. And that’s terrifying....

To make things worse, that third day when the ambulance people were talking me down out of my whole mess, granny had been brought home and they ended up taking her back to the hospital because it was deemed not safe to let her in while I was upstairs screaming on the floor.

So :)))))) the police called. Because not allowing granny into her legal home was an issue and I was the cause :)))))))  Even tho I didn’t actually ban her with my words, I just wasn’t in a good mental state at the time and I tried so hard to calm down once i knew she was out there waiting but I was so stressed about what was going to happen I couldn’t get it together fast enough and then had to worry if I was going to be in huge trouble over it. So THAT’s wonderful.

Anyway. She came home the next day with a very very sore side and we weren’t sure if her ribs were sore from coughing or if she’d bashed herself in an unreported fall in hospital or what.

But the next day I was helping her take off the bra her carer that morning had put on her despite knowing her side pain and then she was sick and I was freaking out because granny and sick never go well so I was super worried...

Thankfully it wasn’t long lasting but the pain she had continued to be excruciating and a doctor came later on and said her liver area was very tender so she ought to go get it checked.

So we took her to hospital by car because we were told the ambulance wait would be longer.

But because the virus is increasing in the country again the restrictions are up. So while I had to come to help get granny in and out of the car, I wasn’t allowed to go with her and dad inside. And dad had the damn car keys and it was dark, late, cold as fuck and windy.

I was outside shivering my ass off with nowhere to wait for nearly 2 hours. They wouldn’t even let me in at first when I was about to piss myself.

After that first 2 hours dad briefly came out to tell me it was looking like it was gonna be a while longer so I just asked him for money for a taxi because at this point it was already after midnight.

I got like no sleep that night cos I was worrying about dad’s chronic sleep deprivation. He didn’t get home until 6am.

Anyways she’s been in and had scans but they can’t find anything and have just given her painkillers and mysteriously they say the side pain is gone. Whether thats just from painkillers or if it’s actually gone without discovering what caused it idk. But not knowing stresses me out like I’d have rather there was something to treat instead of it mysteriously being very painful and making her sick and then disappearing. Like what if it comes back?

hhhh anyway she’s supposed to come home tomorrow and again I still don’t feel like I’ve shaken off the burn out and my pain is still there too  so physically I’m still a mess and I feel so bad about my lack of productivity especially on commissions I still need to do...

I don’t even think I can take much more stuff happening this year like. I’m legit not sure I’m gonna make it to the end of the year rn folks...

[edrecoveryprobs]

RE: Anons 9-16

In this post:

#9: how to provide lowkey support to a friend at a group meal

#10: when you have to do a meal log

9. Hello! I was wondering if you could give me some advice? I'm going out to eat with a group of friends for prom and one of the girls recently got out of an in-patient treatment program for her eating disorder two months ago. I was wondering if if there was any way I could help and make it less stressful for her? Obviously I don't want to baby her or anything like that, and it'll be just like any other time we've gone out, but I want the night the night to be fun for her, you know?

You’re such a sweetheart!! If she’s mentioned it to you before, you could maybe pull her aside at the beginning of the night. “Hey, how are you doing? Idk if tonight might be stressful for you, so let me know what I can do to help make it easier” Mirror whatever tone she’s putting out -- if she’s acting tough, keep it light. If she looks petrified, have a more gentle, softer tone. You might offer to do some kind of hand signal if she wants to meet outside to calm down.

At the table, keep your menu out slightly longer than she does, and if she’s having trouble deciding, ask the waiter for more time so she doesn’t have to. Menus are really hard for me, because I go back and forth in my head about each item listed. It takes me a lot longer and it can be embarrassing to have to ask. Also, EAT FOOD! Normalize eating a normal amount of food! If anyone at the table is like loudly bragging about whatever diet, or beach season, or how fat/thin anyone is, change the subject.

If her eyes are glazed over like she’s watching a horror movie in her head, nudge her and then show her something goofy -- like putting the wrapper on a straw and blowing at at someone, or mimicking a teacher/whoever using the silverware as a mustache, etc. Or, find a way to naturally direct the conversation to something she’s excited about. “Yeah, I love their new song! Actually Shelley, you saw them when they came to the city, right?” It’s a nice way to be invited back to the party, especially if you’re doing that for everyone who has been rather quiet.

If she gets up to leave, give her a couple minutes to herself. After that, go outside/in the bathroom (if appropriate) and just check in on her. “Hey, just wondering if you’re doing okay? We miss you at the table!”

Try especially to keep her engaged after the meal. Perhaps suggest going for a walk or a drive, somewhere there won’t be an opportunity to purge. She might be quiet or seem moody, but that’s okay. Give her a couple of minutes and then casually invite her back to the party a la my previous suggestions.

I hope that helps! No matter what happens, your heart is in the right place, and just knowing that is sure to help her feel better than she would have otherwise. I hope y’all had a great prom!

10. In a couple weeks I'm seeing a dietician for the first time. I'm still quite early in recovery, and I'm worried about the food journal I need to complete before the first appointment. I'm afraid that essentially having to make a list of everything I'm eating is going to be triggering and my ED will turn it into another excuse for restricting, like "you need to be eating as little as possible so you won't be judged" or something. Do you have any tips for dealing with this? Thanks! :)

I would talk to your dietitian about it. Does the journal need to be exact? A lot of the time accuracy isn’t what they’re going for, they’re more looking to see general things -- what nutrients are you generally getting enough of? Which are you not getting? How is the balance of things? Etc. No sense going through all the stress of it if they don’t really need you to.

If they do need it to be exact, then brace yourself for a triggering 48 hours.

Aggressively remind yourself that she’s not there to be wowed by how sick you are, she’s there to figure out how to help you. And she needs your cooperation to do so.

Like actually. I did this and I had the same “I need to eat as little as possible!” thing, and she straight up just didn’t believe me, and was annoyed because me altering my diet just made it harder for her to figure out what my normal eating habits were like, which made her advice less useful to me.

Make a voice memo when you eat instead of writing it all down. Then you can list them all out later in one go, so you can’t pause and hyperfocus on one day or one meal.

11. How do you deal with trauma in recovery? I'm doing really well ed-wise; not even seeing a dietitian anymore, eating intuitively, etc. However I realized recently I think I have complex ptsd from longstanding emotional ... stuff and I don't know how to recover from that without relapsing (I have strong motivators not to relapse though). I do have a therapist rn but I'm not sure if she's specialized in trauma or not. Thanks!

Ask your therapist! Also keep in mind that you can start working on your trauma issues one bit at a time. Eating disorders are often intertwined with trauma issues so you’re definitely not alone. Remember to continue your support for your ED recovery as you address other issues so that you can improve your overall health.

Personally, I’ve found that the more I talk about trauma stuff, or at least write about it, the better I feel, as long as I balance it with non-trauma stuff. Once you have expressed/explored a thought in a journal entry, for example, then go do something unrelated to care for yourself and any of the feelings that got brought up.

I also have found it immensely helpful to talk to people who have experienced similar situations. A big part of abuse is gaslighting and invalidation, so helping you rebuild your trust in your reality is really important.

Mostly, keep talking to your therapist and remember that you can get through this <3

12. This might sound like a weird question, but do people diagnosed with OSFED do inpatient treatments/residential treatment?

 Absolutely!

13. Is it normal to have facial swelling during recovery? My face looks so puffy and its bringing my self esteem down :(

I think that symptom is called edema, which is normal as your water/salt/electrolyte levels stabilize. But I’m also not a doctor, so you should really check out new symptoms with a doctor!

14. I was just scrolling through the recovery asks and read #11. I just wanted to thank you for your answer to that anon's question. Your words validated not only my years of struggle, but my year of recovery. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 💕

<3 <3 you’re very welcome

15. Is it possible I'm using my ed as a coping mechanism..?

That is very possible! A common thing among many ED’s is that the person suffering is using the ED to cope with other stressors in life. A very high number of people use their ED to cope, and if you find you are, that’s ok! With help, you can treat the ED and the underlying problems.

16. @mod 7, do u feel like u being trans intersects with your ed? I'm nb and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about how my anorexia & gender affect each other 🌻 tysm!! 💖

Honestly, nope! My ED and my gender identity don’t overlap at all, they are two separate things entirely. If yours do, that’s totally fine! It’s very common for people with gender identities outside of cis to use their ED to cope or change physical features of their bodies., However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. I am very lucky that my ED has not clung on to my gender identity, though it has baffled my treatment team a lot! :) Keep in mind that ED’s affect everyone in different ways, and there is no right way to present an ED. (all ways are wrong, disordered eating should not be in anyones life, not only does it suck but it ruins lives and is deadly. No one deserves that).

I hope that you can learn to feel no shame that your ED overlaps with your gender identity, because if that’s how it is, being honest about it and with yourself is a very important step to recovery and coping in healthy ways. I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever want to talk my blog is instadong.tumblr.com

[your-naked-magic-oh-dear-lord]

Just watched Black Mirror: Arkangel.

I'm shaking. I'm physically ill. I'm so sick rn. This was the scariest episode because it was so real. It was written about me. I was going to die in the birth canal, so they cut me out of my mother so I could live.

The word "overprotective" isn't even remotely enough to describe my childhood. No friends. No school or church or anything.

As I got older, she used friends and family, and various nefarious means to spy on me, undermine what little independence I had gained as time went on. Lied and gaslighted and every kind of emotional abuse imaginable.

Tormented me over my first boyfriend. Punished me for being pregnant and planning to kill my parents for their "fortune". Neither of which were true.

More recently, threatening to lie to my doctors about my conditions and medications and have me institutionalized.

I have a scruffy bad boy who looks after me and keeps me from feeling so alone and helps me when things are bad at home. She of course hates him.

Oh. And of course, my name is Sara.

If this technology had been available at the time, I would have had this chip. I would have been plotted on a tablet. I would have only been able to see and hear what she wanted me to. She would pretend to get rid of the tablet many times in order to regain my trust. And blame me each time I lost more trust. And she would definitely lie to me about what she's putting in my body and hide medication and force feed me medication.

I'm sorry this is just the worst episode I've seen. It's too real its too personal. I'm shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

If you have an emotionally abusive parent, don't watch Arkangel. It's sickening. I'm so scared right now I'm trying not to cry!