#this probably sounds so stupid but i constantly feel like i shouldnt talk or do something bc people will judge me

[cowedeakamatsu]

Ahem Ahem. Welcome everyone to yet another cowede peptalk about themselves cos... lets face it i have an issue. (part 1)

LET THIS BE CLEAR THAT THIS BLOG ALSO SERVE TO ME AS A GODAMN PRIVATE JOURNAL THAT ISNT PRIVATE BECAUSE I HAVE A VALIDATION AND SELF CONFIDANCE ISSUE. are we good ? 99% of the people who could read this already skipped ? fine. lets start on a good news! @makoto-naegi-stud-and-friends (who has a dumb discord name NO I WILL NEVER STOP SAYING IT (unless you like, tell me that you dont like this running gag, and if so i'll stop imediately bud)) and @plaindangan (da plain! they are so cool) but i just got out FINNALY of a very toxic relation on the cowede side of my life! that had been going on for what... 3 years now ? basically that person is russian (the cliches are stable) and has psychological issue (probably dementia, but like, i don't have dementia and i forget stuff constantly and before i begin sounding like an horrible person i swear that russian had dementia precisely when they needed too seemingly, just now i remembered i must kobeni @plaindangan will get it) and the thing is... they asked for a LOT and I mean a LOT, and when they actually put some godamn effort they were great, and of course at first in our relation they did put ton of effort, were proactive in ideas and tried different super cool stuff, like actually talking in code when playing a robot character, they also gave me lots of cool ideas and experimentations about erp that i very much enjoyed and brought to other places with... mostly failure than success ? but hey. So whats the issue ? picture this. you start a rp, and you have to play 8 different character in one action. then in the very next action you must make, you must replay them all but instantly corrupted and now cucking their boyfriends and slobering other that person cock. At some point they ask you to add 4 more character because "its not enough". do you get a please ? a thank you ? nope. ah maybe a matching response in term of words and quality ? nope. the person (lets call them X from now on, should have do it earlier but the problem is I write like i talk and i talk like a very very bad comedian) will start talking in the first person, completely not only forget but factually they dont care about what the rp is about, setting, characters, even the characters the other play, its just them and the others, but also the answers are super short, almost on the level of a "i fuck them, continue" . Oh at the very least you can say theyll get bored of it once they have it and we can move on to something else, maybe be back to creative teasefull stuff since they are actually great at this writing wise. NOPE, theyll freeze the rp for weeks, if you try to ask them if we could continue they say "i dont feel like it" and whenever too much time pass surprisingly its your fault now. so you do what ? you create another rp start with X, hoping this time maybe we'll get each other better. it shouldnt be too much of a problem for me ? those who know me conscerning rp know that I kinda have... an obsession with beginings ? like i actively want to do long term, but after some time my brain freeze and i dont know what to write anymore.. and of course my stupid brain get other ideas about other characters, that i pitch to my partner (once again @plaindangan and especially @makoto-naegi-stud-and-friends the goats suffered from this) and we end up starting this other pitch. (part 1 over)

[haechanin]

//

[omegawolverine]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[simpsiren]

sticky notes: the story

mark lee x reader

introduction 

main masterlist

description. you use sticky notes to get into contact with your soulmate.

genre. soulmate au, high school au, strangers to lovers au

warnings. nonee

a/n. so some people requested for a full story of this so here it is! i really liked making this because the concept is just so cute cudndn oh and i did include the same idea as what i did in my previous post but i had to change it a little so that it would fit the plot. this is a really really long ff since its a slow burn typa thing so please try to stick with me on this one HAHA anyways enjoyy! :D

“you actually believe that?”

you lift your head up from your notes to look at soyoung. she nods her head and hum eagerly. you rub your temples from seeing her respond. “i do believe soulmates exist. but sticky notes to talk to them? what’s social media for then? and how is it even scientifically possible?” you question soyoung, bringing your eyes down as you continue to do your homework.

“that’s the beauty of soulmates, ray!” soyoung whines. you shake your head. “you’re dumb to believe it without confirming the information with other relevant sources.” you mutter out bluntly. you hear soyoung letting out a ‘tsk’. “here you go again being a history student. i swear im glad i never took it.” you scoff and slam your pen on the table gently.

“excuse me, woman! at least i dont have to memorise the whole textbook and only having 5 pages of content coming out in the exam.” you stick your tongue out playfully to tease soyoung. “i cant get over the fact that valcanos didn’t come out eventhough i memorised so much for it.”

the both of you laugh, knowing that the two of you can never stop debating on whether history or geography is the better subject.

“ray complete your homework at home. we cant stay in the classroom for long you know?” soyoung stands up to get to her seat, which is 2 rows down yours since you were sitting right at the back. you liked sitting at the back. it allowed you to always be able to use your phone in case you get bored in class. you still cant believe that your teachers think you’re a good and obedient student. you figured they only assumed that due to your high grades.

you sigh “that’s true.” you turn around to grab your back that was hanging in your chair and start packing your materials. once you were done, you grab the class key and walk over to soyoung’s seat, waiting for her to finish packing. you notice soyoung has finish packing and went to switch off the lights. you allow soyoung to step out first before you close the door behind you and lock the classroom door.

you and soyoung walked down the hallway silently, you were looking out the window to watch the sunset while soyoung had her eyes on her feet. only your footsteps could be heard as almost everyone has left the school grounds except for some teachers who were working late. the school normally closes at 7pm and you’re walking out at 6:50. to break the silence, soyoung opens her mouth to start a conversation.

“okay if you dont believe me why dont you try it yourself? like write a simple introduction to your soulmate.” you raise an eyebrow as you shove your hands into the front pockets of your mom jeans. “why dont you do it?” you fought back as you huff. soyoung bites the inside of her cheek as a moment of silence passes for her to think of an answer.

“because i believe it. and you do not. so you should try it.” you smacked soyoung’s arm, making her flinch back and shouting a loud ‘ouch’. you roll your eyes, knowing you didn’t hit her hard and she was just overreacting. “brilliant excuse,so. but if its going to make you stop talking about it, i might as well.” soyoung face lit up as she jumps happily and starts skipping ahead of you. you laugh and pull the handle at back of her bag to keep her explosion of excitement to the minimum.

“you owe me brown sugar milk tea. large.” you taunted. soyoung waves her hand lazily. “i’ll buy you one after school tomorrow. but you better update me during math.”

you wanted to say how you could just text soyoung to update her, but you remembered the fact that soyoung’s mother took away her phone since she didn’t do well for this year’s midterms. although to you, soyoung’s grades were decent. unfortunately for her, soyoung has to live up to her asian mom’s high expectations. the thought of this made you want to frown, but you showed a bright smile regardless as the two of you finally made it to the school gate, waving to each other and bidding farewell before walking down opposite paths.

once you arrived at home, you took out your phone from your back pocket. you saw a notification from your mother saying that your parents would be home late. you shrug your shoulders as you walk to your room. “as always.” you breathed out.

you did your normal routine of showering and eating leftover dinner that you needed to heat up at the couch while you completed one episode of the anime series you were so hooked on. you continue watching but with the amount of homework you have, you might finish them all by midnight if you dont slack.

you turned off the tv and washed your plate before heading into your room. as you close the door behind you, your eyes immediately went to your desk, which was pretty messed up since you had a test to study for yesterday that you completely weren’t prepared for and had to squeeze in as much information as you can. hence, the scattering of notes and textbooks.

you stroll over to your desk and sat down. you take out your homework from your back which was beside the desk. looking at the stack of homework, you groan in despair as shove it to the back of the desk till it hit the wall. “ah fuck it! im just going to ask kun for help.” you admitted your defeat depsite thinking you would be able to gain some energy from your dinner. you also thought about how you’ve done your homework in the morning plenty of time so i shouldnt be a problem unless kun doesn’t offer his help.

you jump to your bed and lay down, bringing your phone out and immediately start scrolling through instagram. as you swiped your finger up to look at the posts of the people you follow, you stop at one. a picture of a couple who met through the sticky note theory. or so they claim. your thumbs hover over the screen as your eyes look up to the ceiling, starting to remember what soyoung asked to do to get your bubble tea.

yoy tap your index finger on the side of your phone as you constantly started to think whether you should do it or not. you’ve heard the rumours. but are they even true? the more you thought about it, the more intriguing the idea got. but at the same time, you also thought of how stupid it sounded and was probably made to fool people.

after contemplating and having in a debate in your head that felt like forever, you finally place your phone down beside you and take a deep breath. “ill do it.” you groan to yourself, letting curiosity take over your other feelings.

you gather up your strength to stand up from your bed and walk over to your desk. you push all the papers and textbooks aside, grabbing a yellow sticky notepad from your stationery organiser. you had other colours too like pink and purple, but you figured that you should go with the classic.

pulling out a random pen that was laying in between the pages of one of your textbooks, you tilt your head to the side as you start thinking of what to write, unconsciously biting the end of your pen in the process.

you bite the side of your cheek and shrug, deciding to go with the plan of writing whatever that comes to your mind.

um hi? i dont even know if you’re going to see this. its funny, really. i heard a rumour that you can communicate with your soulmate through sticky notes. it’s probably just fake news and im writing to a nobody. that would honestly be embarrassing but it’ll be like love letters.. to myself(?) or my soulmate. write back? haha

you read over what you wrote an endless amount of times, thinking if you should make changes. you groan and immediately stick the sticky note onto your wall, giving up on giving second thoughts about what you call this ridiculousness.

you went about your night, forgetting you have left the sticky note on the wall. as you were on you bed scrolling through tumblr at 2 in the morning, you hear something. it sounded like a piece of paper had fallen from your desk.

unable to see in complete darkness, you turn on the flashlight from your phone and walk around your room, trying to find whatever it is that fell. it didn’t take you long to find a small yellow sticky note that you accidentally stepped on.

you pick it up, remembering that you wrote on the sticky note and thought that it was yours. however, once you were able to get a closer look, you noticed that the words on the sticky note have changed. so has the handwriting.

holy shit. i dont know what is this. but apparently a sticky note appeared on my wall saying i have a soulmate. my friends told me i should write back because of some rumour. so here i am trying. hi im mark. i dont know your name, but hope you’ll tell me once you recieve this. you’re in luck because apparently the rumour is true. im just as crepped out as you are.

you froze in your spot. your fingers shaking as you read the note again. you scratch your head. being too tired and unable to think straight at 2 in the morning, you place the sticky note on your desk and went back to bed to play with your phone. you soon forget about the fact that your soulmate has replied to your message that you have written on your sticky note.

as you got ready for the next period which was math, soyoung immediately runs over to you, dragging the chair from the desk beside you and taking a seat. you flinch a little when you suddenly see her close to you. 

“so did you try it?!” soyoung asks, her voice filled with enthusiasm . you brushed a few pieces of hair behind your ear, nodding your head as you take out your textbook from under the desk. “did you get a reply then?” 

your mind started to take you back to the mysterious encounter that you had last night. “mhm.” you reply simply. “though the only thing i remember because it seems to be the only relevant information is that the person’s name is mark.” soyoung gasped loudly, making you crease your forehead as you watch her overreacting again. 

“your soulmate’s name is mark then.” soyoung concludes, folding her arms confidently as if she made a great discovery. you laugh, rolling your eyes sarcastically. “isnt it obvious?” soyoung frowns fakely. 

your mouth gapes open as you hit soyoung’s arm lightly. “buy me my milk tea!” you demanded with a wide smile. soyoung places her notebook on your table and nods constantly. “i will you addict.” she groans. you happily say thank you as your teacher comes into the classroom and class began. 

“what are you going to do about it now though?” as you recieved the question from soyoung, you kept silent for a moment, giving time to think of an answer.

 “ill write something back? i dont know.. ill have to read the letter again when i get back home.” you whispe to soyoung. she nods in reply as the two of you payed your attention to the front again. it surprised you that soyoung was paying attention but you only assumed that she wanted to do better in class and shrug your shouders, writing down the notes youve missed while talking to soyoung.

as for you, your concentration in class dipped slightly because now, the thing that is occupying your head the most is the thought that the sticky notes theory might actually be real and you cant say its not possible anymore, making you even more shocked than you did last night.

lucky for you, today is the only day of the week where your class ends the earliest, along with two other lower ranked classes. you and soyoung quickly pack up to go to the mall to get your reward. after soyoung buys you your drink, you and soyoung went your separate ways.

after about 30 minutes of taking the bus and walking, you finally arrived at home. you place your drink on the living room table and proceed to place your bag in the room and head for the showers.

once you were done showering, you walk out of the bathroom to head to your room while drying your hair with a small towel. opening the door, you enter and went straight to your clothing rack. just when you were about to grab a shirt from the hanger, you heard the same noise last night. another piece of paper has fallen on the floor.

you turn your head and look down. this time, you found another sticky note right in front of your feet. the colour of the sticky note changed from yellow to a light blue. you tilt your head as you pick up the stick note from the floor, finding it odd as you wonder how the colour of the sticky note changed.

you take a deep breath before reading it, noticing that the handwriting was similar to the one you read last night. a little messier, but still readable.

hi again.. im not sure if you’ll recieve this since its the afternoon and i know people are busy with work or school. i skipped school today so haha. um i just wanted to write to you, despite me not knowing a single thing about you. its odd really. its like i feel the need to write something to an unknown identity that people assume to be my soulmate. i still dont know your name, so i hope youll reply soon. take your time and take care :)

- mark

“skip school? what is he, a bad boy?” you scoff to yourself. you try to take in whatever’s on the note, but another thought comes to mind. you walk over to your desk and saw that the yellow sticky note with mark’s reply was still there. you find everything about this weird and just odd in general. a lot of questions sprouted, but you didn’t want to think of it since you were afraid you would complicate your thoughts and just throw yourself into a stress hole.

you continue to dry your hair with one hand while the other held onto the light blue sticky note. you bit your lip and gulp. after letting out a long sigh, you place the sticky note next to the other one and changed into your clothes, as well as bringing your drink from the living room table to your room, placing it on the desk as you sat down.

you take out your pencilcase from your bag and brought out your fresh new black pen that you just bought at the school’s stationery store. the previous pen you had was full of ink till soyoung was dumb enough to drop it, spoiling the pen and was unable to be used again.

peeling off another yellow stick note from the stack at the edge of your desk, you were about to put your pen on paper when you realise you dont even know what to write. what do you say to this person you barely know about? you continuously tap the edge of the pen against your desk as you take a sip of your drink. you look over to the two sticky notes with the messages that the person has left. its funny how you have to think so hard just to write a short message.

hey again. i actually ended school early today. my name’s raven. but my friends call me ray. i honestly don’t know what to say to you. im still dumbfounded over the fact that you’re my soulmate and we’re here communicating over sticky notes. the world really does work in a strange way. if you dont mind, i guess i want to know how old you are and you’re education status?

you held out the sticky note in front of you and sigh in satisfaction. why? it’s because of your neat handwriting. it was always a trait of yours that you deeply appreciate. you place the sticky note on the wall and advert your attention to the other sticky notes, placing them on the wall beside the new one you have just written.

“will this drive me insane? i might end up with a whole wall of this.” you say to yourself, rubbing your face with your palm before going to your bed and laying down, wanting to have your evening nap.

“this is awesome!”

“no its scary.”

mark and his group of friends stared at the sticky note that has a message written with beautiful handwriting. mark flinched when he felt an arm on his shoulder, turning around to notice it was chenle’s. “when did you write your previous sticky note?” renjun suddenly asked. mark tilts his head as he tried to find an answer.

“less than an hour before you guys came i guess?” mark shrugs, standing up from his desk and taking a seat at the edge of the bed beside jaemin and haechan. “this raven girl is your soulmate then.” chenle walks towards mark and stands in front of him. mark nods slowly. the room grew silent again with everyone having the similar thoughts.

“you know what would be funny?” haechan smacks mark’s thigh, the sound making everyone turn their attention to mark and haechan. “what?” mark asked with a sigh, running a hand through his hair.

“why dont we prank her and say you’re a sugar daddy and live in a mansion?!” everyone gave yuta weird looks, making haechan laugh hysterically. “are you crazy? do you think i want to chase my soulmate away?” mark scolded haechan, smacking him hard on the chest, resulting in haechan’s back falling onto the bed.

“you’re always asking for a beating i swear.” renjun comments, walking towards haechan and balling his hand into a fist and acting as if he was about to attack. jaemin laughs to try and calm them down. “kids let’s not fight.” jaemin announced, looking over to jeno only to find him standing there watching quietly.

“go ahead, mark. you should write something. we cant keep her waiting.” jeno finally spoke up, grabbing the sticky notepad and a random pen from mark’s table and passing it over to him.

mark stared at the blank paper while the others were talking about what to have for dinner. it didn’t take him long to decide what to write. when mark starts writing and began to be in full concentration, everyone crowds around him to see what he’s writing.

sup raven! i wont call you ray since we aren’t friends yet. im still shocked. like the possibility of things like this being possible is just another possibility that can possibly happen. but anyways, to answer you question, im a high schooler from dream high. im in my third year. its kind of awkward for me while im writing this since my friends are reading every word im taking down. i guess i should ask you the same question back then. hope to hear from you soon.

“will you guys stop being nosy?” mark groans, standing up and pasting the sticky note on his wall, along with the other sticky notes he received from you. “you didn’t have to say that we’re here.” haechan retorts. mark rolls his eyes. “jesus..” mark mutters under his breathe. “anyways, yall are paying for dinner since you guys bribed me to write back.” mark sticks his tongue out playfully and runs out to the living room. everyone follows suit.. except for jeno.

jeno slowly walks towards the wall and leans forward to get a closer look of the sticky notes, specifically the two others beside the new one that mark just wrote. “raven? why does that sound so familiar? the handwriting...” jeno brings his finger up and lightly hovers them over the uniquely written words. it looked like calligraphy, and retro looking. jeno felt as though he had seen it before somewhere, or knew someone who wrote like that.

jeno snapped out of his deep thoughts when jaemin called out to him, making him walk towards the door and glancing at the sticky notes once more before joining the others in the living room.

you were currently video calling your friends when you heard the crackling of a piece of paper. of course you knew what that meant. you peered down the the floor from your bed and reached your hand out to pick up the sticky note. “ray?” doyoung called out to you when he noticed your face wasnt on screen. you lay back down on the floor and brought your phone up to show your face.

“what was that sound earlier?” lucas asked, currently sounding hyper. “the mysterious mark sent me another sticky note.” you reply sarcastically, waving the sticky note to the camera to let everyone look at it. everyone nodded their heads at the some time, some letting out a long ‘ah’ as well. “read it out loud!” yuta shouted.

“the fuck no!” you shouted back. you stared at the sticky note, but didn’t bother to read it. you thought of doing that once you’re done video calling them.

“how was today for you guys?” you asked, wanting to know how they’re doing.

“its tiring! we had dance practice, then we have to do recordings for our new albums. we barely get any sleep.” ten whines, his tone filled with stress. you laugh loudly. it made everyone frown and pout. you sigh. “pursuing your NCT world domination is never easy.” you commented, highlighting the word ‘world domination’ with a change of tone.

everyone lets out a long sigh and started to complain one by one, making the whole video call chaotic for almost 10 minutes. you could only smile and shake your head.

after about an hour or so of talking about basically everything and catching up with each other, everyone decided that they should end the call here since it was beginning to get dark and they needed to start practice soon. you bid your goodbye to them once more and ended the call.

you now adverted your attention to the sticky note. reading the letter, you raise both eyebrows. “dream high? that’s not far from here..” you mumbled to yourself. you started to think about everything you know about dream high. you know it’s was about an hour’s journey from where you live. it wasnt really well known either. the overall vibe of the school was mediocre.

however, you felt like you were missing something. something about that school is somehow related to you. you just couldn’t think of an answer despite squeezing all thoughts that you have in your brain. you groan and stood up from your bed and to your desk, proceeding to wanting to write a reply to mark.

hey. sorry if you get this quite late. i was busy video calling my friends. to answer your question, im a third year as well from jookin high. i would ask for your number so we dont have to do this all the time but my friend would scold me saying “but you’re removing the fun out of it.” but anyways, mark aka my soulmate, tell me about yourself, to start off.

you stick the note onto the wall, looking at the row of messages you’ve had recieved so far. you found it weird how the first time you’ve sent the note and got a reply back, it was on the same sticky note, just different handwriting. but you had to write on a new sticky note to send a new message only to get the same sticky note with a different message in return.

you only see his answers lined up on your wall. you started to wonder how this mark guy looked like. is he good looking? what are his hobbies? his attitude towards school? you really wished you could just text him through instagram and not have to go through all this trouble. but that option would earn you a large smack on the back by soyoung and your really didn’t want that.

“do we really need to be here now? like now?!”soyoung whined, while pushing the cart and following behind you while you tossed some packets of frozen bacon. you stopped walking and turn around, nodding your head intensely. soyoung groans and took out her phone, proceeding to use it while still pushing the cart.

you walk around the supermarket, trying to find the ingredients listed on your notes in your phone. it was the weekends and you’re parents were going to be away for a business trip for a week so you thought of inviting soyoung over and making home cooked meals as a bonding session for you two.

after about 30 minutes of gathering the ingredients and having soyoung constantly screaming and fangirling over tiktok edits of jaehyun from NCT. one note: she has yet to know that you know them and that they’re your friends. you figured that it would be best to not let anyone know so as to avoid any situation that would put your friends in a tight spot, since well they’re idols, you were looking for one last item that you had trouble finding.

“soyoung help me! stop watching tiktoks!” you groan, snatching soyoung’s phone away and shoving it in her back pocket. soyoung rolls her eyes lazily and the two of you proceeded to scan the different isles and shelves, looking over every item.

while you were too concentrated looking at the bottom shelves, you felt that you have bumped into someone. you squat down, letting out a soft ‘ouch’ before standing up and looking to see who you bumped into.

“wait. jaemin?” you furrow your eyebrows as you tilt your head, pointing your finger at the guy in front of you. “raven!” you noticed that it was jaemin after all, and both your faces lit up and the same time, grinning widely at each other.

“uhhh..” soyoung says out loud, you and jaemin turn your heads to face soyoung who was behind you. “oh! this is jaemin. we used to be neighbourhood friends before he moved out 4 years ago.” you introduced jaemin to soyoung. jaemin nodded and gave her a bright smile. soyoung only shrugged her shoulders and took out her phone. you turn your attention back to jaemin.

“why are you even here? dont you live quite far?” you ask, your fingers interlocked behind your back. jaemin nods, running a hand through his hair.

“well yes. but we came here to find something that only this supermarket sells.” jaemin replied back, his warm smile never leaving his lips. you smile, reached your hand out to ruffle his hair, laughing softly afterwards. “we? who’re you with?” you stared at jaemin with eyes of suspicion. jaemin started pinching your cheeks, making you whine and begging him to let go.

“with my friend, ray chill. im still single.” jaemin pulled away and folded his arms, pouting. “im sure you’ll find one soon.” you reached out to ruffle his hair and give off a wide smile.

while you and jaemin were catching up and being in your own world, soyoung got too bored of watching the two of you and decided to walk around the supermarket, leaving the cart behind you.

just as she was looking at the drinks isle to get her favourite sweet drink, she sees someone picking up a bunch of bottles one by one and placing them back on the shelve. out of kindness, she decided to help, picking up a bottle and placing it on fhe shelve before looking up to face the guy, who had a straight face while looking at her.

“i was just trying to help. im soyoung.” soyoung smiled, reaching her hand out and waiting for thr guy to greet back. he looked at her but doesn’t respond, proceeding to pick up the last bottle that was seen on the floor. “im jeno.” jeno stands up and nods his head to greet soyoung. soyoung nods back, walking down the isle to grab her drink from the shelve. “have a nice day.” soyoung says before leaving the isle and disappearing out of jeno’s sight. he only shrugged in response and went to do his own thing.

“you met who?!” haechan asks as he takes a sip of his ice cold water. everyone had their heads turned to jaemin, who raised an eyebrow at everyone’s weird expression. “i met my old friend raven. what’s so shocking?” jaemin asks back casually, picking up a few pieces of fries and dipping it into the sauce before shoving it in his mouth.

“dude that’s the name of mark’s soulmate!” haechan screams, making everyone flinch due to the loud noise. “i highly doubt it. there’s plenty of girls in the world with the name raven.” jaemin protests with his mouth full and chugging down gulps of coca cola.

“i mean that’s true. jeno you were with jaemin, right? dont you suspect anything?” renjun starts to question jeno, who was silently playing with his phone. looking up at the others, he gulps.

“i didn’t know he met his friend. i was picking out drinks. i just met a girl named soyoung.” jeno shrugs, taking a bite of his burger. mark scratches the back of his head, now starting to think of the fact that jaemin might have met his soulmate. though he also thought about how that could not be totally possible.

“nah i dont think its her. like really ‘raven’ could be anyone.” mark says, siding with jaemin. haechan tilts his head in awe. “jaemin do you know what school she’s going to?” jaemin only shakes his head.

“i lost all contact with her when i left her neighbourhood. plus we were young. i barely knew her honestly.” the living room falls silent, everyone trying to think of a conclusion to this.

chenle groans, standing up from his seat and slamming his hands on the table, gathering everyone’s attention as their heads shot up. “instead of pondering as if yall are solving some crime, why dont mark just ask her through the sticky note god dammit?” chenle pinches the bridge of his nose.

everyone’s mouths gape open as the room was suddenly filled with ‘ah’s all over. chenle shakes his head. everyone was now looking intensively at mark. mark furrows his eyebrows. “okay guys hold up ill grab the stick note.” mark stands up and takes one bite of his burger before going into his room for awhile and coming out with a sticky note and a pen.

jaemin noticed jeno being silent the whole way. and althought thats normal since its jeno’s nature and personality to not be so outspoken like the others, jaemin could sense that jeno was off and seem to be in deep thoughts.

and jaemin was right. jeno couldnt stop thinking about jaemin’s encounter with ‘raven’. the name sounded so familiar. he tried to recall every girl he has came into contact with during his life. why did he feel like the name was tied to the handwriting he saw on the sticky notes?

“jeno.” jaemin nudged him in the shoulder. jeno mumbled a soft ‘oh’ before turning his attention to mark just like the others. “she didn’t send me a reply after my last one though.” mark says, looking up.

“its fine. she probably didn’t see it. just write already.” chenle says in anticipation. mark shakes his head. “calm the heck down its not like we can get an answer immediately.” mark rolls his eyes and began to write.

hey raven. um i know this may sound weird. but have you gone to a supermarket and met a guy names jaemin? im not a stalker i swear. its just that he’s my friend and apparently you know him. though i dont think that such a coincidence and come by just like that. hope you hear from you soon.

jeno stared at the sticky note that mark proceeded to place at a random wall of the living room while everyone continued to eat and chat. his thoughts finally linked and a imaginary lightbulb appeared on above his head when he finally realises why he was so drawn to mark’s soulmate.

you were focused on wanting to solve a math question when the sticky note above your desk’s wall had fallen in front of you, revealing a new message. you place your pen down and let out a sigh, remembering that you hsve forgotten to write a reply and that mark probably sent you another one.

you tied your hair in a messy low bun before picking up the sticky note to get a closer view. you blink your eyes rapidly as your eyes furrow in awe. what the note said really shocked you and made you freeze in your spot. jaemin is friends with your soulmate? there’s no way.

you sat there for awhile as you constantly read over the words, still in shock with your moutb hanging open. you just couldn’t believe it. was it really what it seemed to be? another thought came to your mind as well. the thought of just who is this friend of jaemin’s? could it be mark? was your soulmate literally in the same place as you yet you never knew?

you grab a fresh new piece of sticky note and proceeded to write a reply after staring at it for so long and thought that it was finally time that you do something.

okay what you wrote really was weird. jaemin’s my old neighbourhood friend. its such a coincidence how you know him. i guess the connections are there. so haha yeah. damn. im very mind blown right now.

you take a look at your handwriting again, smiling to yourself. “i really do love my handwriting.” you mumble under your breath. you stuck the sticky note on the wall and resumed doing your homework, hoping that mark would reply soon.

while the boys were immersed in the horror movie they were watching on friday night, everyone turned their heads to each other when they heard the noise of a piece of paper falling onto the floor. in unison, everyone turned their head to where the noise came from and seeing the sticky note that fell.

jisung grabs the controller and pauses the movie. “we’re watching a scary movie and creepy stuff like that happens?!” jisung asks, stuttering out of complete fear.

mark decided to be the brave one after seeing everyone’s terrified face and stands up to pick up the sticky note, going back to take his seat on the couch soon after. “d-does that always happen?” mark shrugs. “well duh. that’s how i know she sent a reply. it wouldn’t be this scary if we weren’t watching a horror movie.”

everyone’s heads once again gather around mark as he read the note out loud. everyone gapes their mouth open, some covered their mouths while jeno could only stare at it in disbelief. “i guess we’ve confirmed its her.” mark breathes out, placing the sticky note on the table.

jeno reaches out to grab the sticky note to have a look. the unique handwriting that he suspected would belong to you really was yours. out of anger, he tears the sticky notes into two. everyone had their eyes widened at jeno’s sudden shocking action. mark snatches the now torn note back, looking down at them before facing jeno.

“what the heck was that for?!”

“dont talk to her anymore. she’s trouble.”

everyone lets out a sigh in unison except for mark, looking at everyone’s weird reaction. “what do you mean trouble? and why does it look like you all know something except me?” mark furrows his eyes as everyone exchanged glances continuously for a moment.

“she’s just not someone you should be with. that’s all.” jeno stands up and walks to his room, slamming the door shut and produring a piercing noise. the room was silent for awhile until mark speaks up.

“what am i missing here you guys?”

no one replies.

“we’ve been friends for a year and you guys are all keeping secrets for me?” mark scoffs in disbelief, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“we arent in the position to tell you. its jeno.” jaemin murmurs under his breath, looking down on the ground just like the others.

marks keeps silent and stands up from the couch, the palm the torn note was in is balled into a fist as he goes into his room as well.

haechan sighs. “jeno has to tell the truth. he’s been holding onto that grudge almost forever now.”

everyone nods their heads in agreement. “if not, he’s going to live in despair now that he knows she’s his best friend’s soulmate..” jisung adds on. 

everyone could only silently hope that things could go well. 

after that day you’ve sent a reply, you havent heard from mark since. you dont know why. due to your lack of information on him, it felt as if he disappeared into thin air. although only a week has past by, you felt concerned and somewhat worried for him. did something happen to him? what made him cut off his connection with you? its not like you did anything wrong. 

out of pure desperation, you decided to skip school today. youve never skipped school before, and you felt so rebellious and bad. why did you do this? so you could go to dream high and meet mark in person. youve had enough of the sticky notes. you just wanted to see how he was like in real life, not having to think about it through notes. 

with a little help from jaemin by texting him on instagram, you knew that mark’s class should be ending by 4pm, and you were there at 3:50 in the canteen where jaemin told you to wait. funny how the security guard lets a student from another school come in with a pass or anything.

you slowly start seeing groups of students going down the flight of stairs that lead to the canteen which had a path leading to the front gates. some eyes glanced at you as they notice someone who doesnt belong at their school, you couldnt care less though. your thoughts were only filled with mark. how he looked like, how he would carry himself. your anticipation was the only thing you felt.

you wore your headphones yet you could suddenly hear a lot of squealing and shouting. you look up, turning you attention to the stairs. a large group of girls crowding around another group of people, who you assumed to be guys. you scoffed, thinking about how there’s always that one group of good looking guys all girls seem to go crazy for. you watch as the group of guys push through the large crowd.

once you got a closer look, you tilt your head to the side. you slowly bring your headphone down from your ears and let them rest on your neck, getting intrigued by how the girls were getting so crazy, even more crazy than the ones from your school.

“its mark! he’s so cute!” 

you widen your eyes as you heard the word ‘mark’. you stood up from your seat, peering your head up to find which one is the girl referring to. you only see two guys walking. one smiling sheepishly while the other kept a straight and cold face. just which one is mark?

suddenly, you felt an arm grabbing yours and pulling you back. you jump out of fear and turn around noticing it was jaemin. you calmed your breathing as you look at jaemin. 

“meet mark under the block nearby. its too hectic here for you to talk to him.”

jaemin dragged you out of the school grounds and to a secluded block where only a few students where walking past and left you there. you were lost in confusion but decided to trust whatever jaemin was doing, sitting down at a random bench.

“jaemin told us to meet him here where is-” 

“raven.”

“what?”

you immediately stood in front of the two guys you saw at the canteen as you notice a familiar face. you werent able to get a clear look at them before, but now you realise that you knew one of them. “jeno..” you look at a different direction a you tried avoiding his gaze, though you knew you couldnt, forcing yourself to meet his eyes.

mark looks at the both of you, utterly confused as his attention shifts from you to jeno constantly. “this raven?” mark points at you, tilting his head. you nod slowly as your turn your head to face mark. you observed his body up and down. he was good looking, just like jeno.. yet his aura told you that he was way more outgoing and open than jeno. 

“you look...”

everyone was silent.

you gulp in nervousness. “im busy. bye mark.” before jeno could go, mark pulled on his arm to bring him back to stand beside him, earning a glare from jeno. the one you could never forget. “stay. i know something happened. you were always quiet whenever we talked about this girl. and i also know you all kept something from me.”

you slowly turned to jeno. you could he was annoyed whenever he looked at you. you felt it through his eyes, and it was terrifying. jeno took a deep breath in, folding his arms and placing his weight on one leg. 

“if you remember clearly, chenle told you that before we became friends with you, we had a fight and didnt talk to each other for a long time. we didnt tell you this, but it was her who caused it. she brought chaos into our group. everyone forgotten about it clearly, but i cant. after what she did.. i cant forgive her.”

you opened your mouth, wanting to reply but your words were somehow stuck in your throat. you didnt exactly know what to say or do in this awkward situation.

“it.. it was a long time ago jeno, please. my feelings for you were real, even if we werent meant to be. i dont know how many times you need me to say sorry.” you pleaded, biting your lip as you waited for jeno’s reaction.

jeno sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he lets out a huff of rustration. “then why did you leave? you left me stranded, and because of you, i almost left my friends becaused i lived in agony since i missed you so much. i almost pushed everyone away.” you shivered as jeno’s voice started to raise. 

 you also glanced at mark, who still kept his confused expression on his face. through his gaze never left you as you felt his eyes scanning you body up and down. 

“you two used date?” mark asks. you nod in reply.

“we were kids. we didnt know about all this soulmate stuff. but now..” 

“you know what? be together. im not going to leave my friends just because of my pent up grudge and feelings. i cant control fate either.” 

years had now past since you met mark. it really was fate. the two of you became close in no time and now.. you were fianally married. you couldnt be more happy to be with mark. who you were destined to be really was made for you, and you only. and to think this all escalated due to a note you sent out in pure curiosity.

you still remember what happened with jeno after that day, despite the lack of interaction between you two, jeno was open enough to accept you as his friend again. you are now living a happy life with mark, and always being able to hang out with his group of friends. today was no different. 

“haechan get the chilli sauce!” you hear mark shout as you smile widely, feeling his arm snaking around your waist to pull you close. having a barbeque was a great idea to celebrate jisung’s birthday. 

you soon see haechan with the bottle of chilli sause, placing it on the table where everyone gathered around the table which had jisung’s birthday cake. “before we do anything with the cake, let me announce my wish.” jisung announces proudly. you raise an eyebrow. “you cant say you birthday wish out loud!” you scolded jisung, but everyone laughs.

“his wish is something we all know.” jeno says, winking playfully at you. you tilt your head in confusion when you suddenly feel mark’s arm leaving you waist. you look over to mark who was shoving his hand into his pocket as if to find something.

you were completely clueless when mark nods towards jisung, to show some kind of signal. “i wish for mark and raven to get married!” jisung shouts. 

you gaped your mouth open in shock when mark pulls out a small box, opening it in front of you to show a ring. you cover your mouth in disbelief. “did you guys really-”

“please marry me, raven. my sticky note soulmate.” you hear everyone clapping s a tear of happiness drips from your cheek. you quickly wipe it away as you heard the nickname that mark gave you. “we wouldnt normally do this but it was jeno that suggested this.”

you look over to jeno who had a soft smile on his face as he nod his head. looking back at mark, you grin widely as more tears started flowing out. “of course ill marry you, you dork.”

[miraculoustails]

So, as a fan of Winx Club, I was super excited when the trailer for Fate came out. Soon after, someone pointed out Techna was missing and Flora was replaced with her white cousin (coughwhitewashingcough). I quickly realized this would be another Voltron or Riverdale. I watched the series so I could know everywhere it got wrong, and hopefully enjoy it some. So here’s my review of Fate (may contain some spoilers of Fate, but definitely of WC)

Bloom. Let’s start with all that’s wrong with her. Bloom is supposed to be confident, but slightly unsure. Fate!Bloom is extremely insecure and miserable. She’s always doing something super “edgy” and “breaking the rules”. From the way the first season has gone, it doesn’t even look like she’ll be a princess. She’s just labeled as “super powerful changeling”. Which is another thing. Her parents. They’re supposed to be her super supportive adoptive family who ADOPTED HER. Instead, her parent’s REAL child died of a heart condition, and they unknowingly raised Bloom all these years. They didn’t even raise her well, as they were super super abusive. Yet she still loves them and it’s never adressed how abusive and disgusting their actions were. Instead it’s just “complicated”.

Aisha’s just. Yikes. They made her into a goody two shoes bookworm. While i’m not sure how exactly, something just feels wrong and racist about it. I could just be leaping because of the previous whitewashing racism. She’s also super jealous of Bloom for her progress in magic, and it’s just. Never adressed. She’s super helpful and will break any rules in the first like two episodes then she suddenly becomes rigid rule addict out of nowhere.

Tella, aka “Flora’s cousin” is SO annoying. They made her into this awkward fat girl and constantly make fat-phobic jokes. It’s shown as bad, but also in a way, it’s not. There’s another character that’s queer and the only way his queerness is talked about is homophobic jokes by Riven. Side note, Riven is an asshole but jfc they went WAY too far with his dick-ness. He’s practically a bad guy. But anyways, Tella. The fact she’s a whitewashed Flora already makes me hate the character, but she’s always whining. She’s constantly bullied, and she stands up for herself but she also likes it??? Which is wrong in so many ways.

Musa. She’s supposed to be a sound fairy, but they made her into a “useless mind fairy” called an empath. She can feel everyone’s feelings and cant turn off the power. Which makes no sense because every other fairy can turn it on/off. They just couldnt think of something to make her power difficult to use (they wanna be edgy). She’s also a huge jerk to Tella the first episode, which is understandable, but still. Winx Musa is supposed to be a lot more tolerant.

And last, but certainly very far from least. Stella. Stella is absolutely ruined. The show is supposed to start off with her saving Bloom, in the human world, from a witch-made monster. But it starts with Bloom going to school after she was just. Found. By the headmistress. And Stella’s a complete bitch, trying to get her killed. Stella’s abusive and toxic, and suddenly gets a “redemption arc” where she goes “sorry for being absolutely horrible. It’s mommy issues. Not my fault :((( im so broken” and everyone just pretends nothing happened. Not to mention she’s fucking Sky, and don’t get me started. Sky’s not even supposed to know her.

Which leads me to Sky and the specialists. Sky’s all like “oh i shouldnt keep fucking Stella but she needs me. But also, hot new freshman looking fine （´≝◞⊖◟≝｀)”. And he’s repeatedly talking about how “broken he is” and how he wants to “fix everything so he doesnt have to think about his brokenness” and he’s just “a fixer” (aka weirdo speech by jughead). As for the specialists, they’re supposed to be at a whole seperate school. But for the sake of throwing in early romance and sex plots, they made it different sections of alfea, yet having a “headmaster” for the specialists that’s still not The Headmaster??? Not to mention, as far as i remember, fairies were all female and specialists all male, which does have some sexist connotations, but now they’re both co-ed and im not sure how i feel about that.

Now, as for the show as a whole. The plot is try-hard. It has it’s enjoyable moments but bloom isn’t supposed to care so much on her past. She does care, but that’s supposed to be so it leads her to clash with the witches. At first, it seemed like there was a witch school like there should be, but now it’s a village that was destroyed years ago?? So it’s quite confusing what’s going on with the witches. There’s a completely seperate enemy, possibly made by the witches though. In Fate, everyone knows truths about Bloom’s past, but it’s hidden. Meanwhile in WC, no one knows she’s a princess or how she ended up in the human world. Im pretty sure fairies in the human world are supposed to be semi-normal, (harry potter wizards/witches kinda thing). However, in Fate, there hasnt been a fairy in the human world in ages. In an effort to avoid major spoilers, i’ll just say. The drama with Rosalind is so stupid and cringy. Also the shock factor in the last episode, which is supposed to show you how she really is evil, it was unnecessary. It made me feel nauseous and shocked in a very bad way. Shows are growing this habit of having dramatic twists where something graphic suddenly happens with no warning, but the problem is that there’s no warning. It’s bad enough even when there is awarning, but it’s still intense for even mentally healthy people. Very damaging to those of us who have mental disorders.

I could have so much more to say on how disappointed I am, as an adult who grew up watching winx club, but im very tired and honestly, i could go on forever. All in all, as it’s own show, Fate is not bad, even enjoyable once you get into it. But as a Winx Club remake, it crushes my dreams and breaks my heart. It stomps all over my childhood and what was dear to me. I think i will continue watching it if more seasons come out, but there’s very little i enjoy about the show. It’s nearly impossible to enjoy if im comparing it to Winx Club, but a decent amount easier if i watch it with comparisons. If were to rate it, i’d probably say it’s 2/5. 2.5 if im being generous. I’m just very disappointed in this reboot, and wish they had made it more accurately, rather than trying so hard to appeal to young adults.

[mrsmess]

Faves and fails of SPN (season 15, finally):

Favorite episodes (in chronological order):

15:4 Atomic Monsters - Demon!Sam flashbacks! Dean in a beard! Some old fashioned banter! Meatman! Beaverdale! Love how Sam starts arguing w the parents in the parking lot - Me too, Sam, me too. Loving the self-aware monster. I know Becky is problematique™, but I dig her, so, all kinds of fuck Chuck. He must die, and when he does this is the episode I’ll think about.

15:6 Golden Time - Badass protection spells. Dean in a robe and a hot dog pyjamas. Cas going by Clarence. Jogging Sam. Eileen! God I ship her and Sam, and I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that I don’t ship him w anyone. Liking this ep a lot, every little side plot. Nice. And Eileen is back and I know it won’t last but like, that was awesome.

15:10 The Heroes’ Journey - Pretty neat intro. Monster on monster violence to the sound of Clair the Lune. Oh, and excellent casting of Garth’s kids. Regular people trouble... Awesome! Brilliant! This is the kind of meta storylines this show should deal in, exclusively. Oh my Garth! Explosives! Why isn’t every episode like this?

15:11 The Gamblers - Oh, is this another lucky coin episode? In that case yes please! More inconsequential bullshit kindly! Loving Sam staying in touch w Eileen. Hey guys, remember when you did the gambling thing w your years? And the rabbit’s foot? Good times. Will this be an equally good time? I hope so. A god! Excellent. ”Lady, I’m Tolstoy.” Yeah ya are, and i’m dead. The guys and Fortuna bashing god. And I'm equally delighted and distraught over the lore that god created man, man imagined gods and god decided to create the other gods to play into man’s ideas, or as a distraction.

15:13 Destiny’s Child - Omg the intro! Savage garden! I’m dead. Jack w the sandwich, why is that so funny? Cas is a gem this episode! ”’Sexually intimate’?” Lol. That’s what you get for trying to speak plainly, Cas! Hunter Corp. I’m dead, again. Keep the different Deans and Sams coming! I’m digging this! Why would they send ‘em to Rio? They could be your buffy-bots!

15:14 Last Holiday - Weird people popping up in the hq is awesome. And Dean’s immediate instinct to yell for Sam reminds me of me calling mr mess for everything! ”Shouldnt you be in the woods? Nymfing?” Monster radar? Oh, oh this is excellent. So mrs Butters is capable of murder when home and family are threatened, good for her. They better not kill her. I can accept them returning her to the wild. Yes! Did I call it or did I call it? Good Supernatural, good boy! And Dean making a cake for Jack! My heart.

Fail episodes (in chronological order):

15:2 Raising Hell - Rowena! Instant win. Ketch. Instant lose. Ketch undressing Rowena with his eyes = rating plummeting. Jeez. A bit dangerous even joking about the GoT finale, don’t you think? Rowena and Ketch full on flirting... this is hell, I'm being punished.

15:3 The Rupture - Don’t call him god! His name is Sucky-Chucky. The shock of Cas! “You’ve been playing us the whole time!” This is how it works Cas, where have you been? They're always solving problems like Jason Mendoza. In-Dean-angry-voice: “Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.” Rowena! And Sam! No!

15:5 Proverbs 17:3 - Listen, spn, it’s your last season and if you like just wanna stop writing and casting women completely rn i won't stop you or hold it against you (also why are these ladies identical?). We’ve had a terrible run but lets just let bygones be bygones.

15:8 Our father, who aren’t in heaven - Gosh, having Eileen in the show is painful, I’m just constantly expecting a piano to fall on her head. *Ugh* Sucky-yucky-Chucky. But hey, at least everybody else looks better alongside him. Case and point: I never rly cared that much for Donatello, but it’s great to see him, and Michael’s back, sure is nice to see him too.

15:9 The trap - Ugh. Main plot shit and Sucky-yucky-fucking-Chucky. Fail. Although the flashforward to jan 6th 2021 was a hoot (but probably not meant like one, huh?) Dean’s monologue in purgatory though... gosh. This show would be nothing w/o Jensen Ackles. Omg the kiss! Nice. However, the show at this point has lost the ability to offer any sort of pleasure. Because like Sam, we know which way this will go. They used to have some hedonism working for the characters but now they don’t even have that.

15:20 Carry on - You know what? I’m not gonna make this post longer than it already is talking about the last episode of Supernatural, that has been done better by people w real grievances w the show. The kindest thing you can say about the finale is that it just as well could’ve been jammed into a few extra minutes added to the previous episode.

Mediocre mentions:

Drag me away (from you) - what is this ugly cell interface? The opposite of product placement. Yay! Retro episode! And they got the same actor to play Dean, neato! Dean admitting he had a hard time handling hunting, that always gets me. Woah! That scream effect without reverb was kinda startling. And the camera zooming in on the little porcelain clown even though Sam is nowhere n- oh shit. This was an interesting episode

Inherit the earth - Goooood I hate Chucky. Barefoot Sam is okay though. Digging this soundtrack too. Very un-Supernatural. Nice to meet ya Betty, but I wouldn’t pull up a chair if I were you. Always a fan of the shiteating grin. Jack, stripping god of his power, that’s so hot. And again: kudos to the soundtrack! The Youngbloods and then Jackson freakin’ Browne! And you know, it’s clichéd and kinda vacant, but also kinda nice. I’m cool with the story ending like this. Why did they have to do another one? Supernatural has never known when to quit, and this is the very real backside of this.

Honorable mentions:

I don’t know who this Ardat chick is but killing Ketch puts her instantly in my win column.

Winchester-dumb, new household term.

”Feels like were taking a big, probably stupid risk. Feels good.” That made me feel good too.

I’m vastly enjoying this dark-art hippie couple in Unity and Jack’s interaction w them.

Cas launching straight into his dramatic I-will-not-let-you-end-your-own-life-speech when Sam casually mentions he’d like to talk to death in Unity, that angel has seen some things, and he has learned.

Those are some pretty pretty death effects on Jack in Despair/The Truth.

Obviously Misha Collins

Things that makes you go hmm:

Which of the clowns is this supposed to be in Back and to the Future? Because the one from season 2 was a monster, right? So he would’ve gone to purgatory. You know what? I’m not an expert. I try to not pay too much attention ’cause it makes me funny in the head. But just, y’know, a general objection.

Here’s my deal w death as a looming threat in this show: it holds no weight. And even if it did it has been painted as the ultimate relief, unless you go to hell, these characters know for a fact that there’s a potentially blissful afterlife, so their attitude towards death should be, what? More pragmatic, I think. And it’s partly why Ackles is wasted on this show; That man can deliver a death monologue like it’s nobody’s business, too bad all those words have been rendered meaningless after 15 seasons of this shit!

Summing up:

So, I did not go into or leave this season happy, I knew how it would end and I was sad for everyone the show screwed over (more than it already had). Which really meant that I always had to force myself to watch another episode, knowing what was coming. But I had to see it through. I did, so I’ll give myself a pat on the back and get to work on my own personal selection of episodes that will henceforth represent spn to me. A selection I’ll enjoy all the way through. All in all I think the most frustrating thing about the show is how it insists on taking itself so freakin’ seriously. It has always done horror *and* humor best and this whole heaven and hell aspect has never sat right w me, and in any case they should’ve leaned more on “supernatural” narrative tropes (if you will) getting out of their plot problems, gambled some more and thought a bit more outside genre conventions *especially* in their main arcs, they opened up so many opportunities that they never even used. They could’ve been more like Buffy, or Doctor Who. That said, I’ll always get that spn-itch, and when I do, I’ll be happy to have seen all the episodes so I’ll know which ones to avoid.

[01010010-posts]

— my white sighs quietly melted with the stars above.

it all started with a simple ‘you’re a slowpoke??’ text and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply immediately after. ‘I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person’. absolutely no, you scoffed, as if you were going to be tricked again ‘bitch don’t play the wrong number card because you didn’t catch the bus’. he was amused by your obstinacy and lightly worried about the supposed receiver, who, it appeared, was very clumsy; ‘please, control the number you texted, I’m Connor.’ boy he sure was. not your pal, not someone else in your contact list, just.... Connor. ‘god, i apologize!! thank you for telling me! ps. didn’t mean to call you a bitch, connor’ and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply. connor: shouldn’t you be in bed by now? you: but,,,, i wanted to chat with u a little more connor: as an android sleep is not required but you, as a human, need to rest. we can always continue talking tomorrow. you: :( what if you have a long case tomorrow?? mh?? what if?? what you’re gonna say in your defense then?? connor: don’t worry :) I’ll find time for you. you: ok you win goodnight ☆ connor: sweet dreams. goodnight, [name]. it’s been three months since you’ve first spoken with him. intimacy there but low, how obvious it is that the two of you are proceeding with caution. yet you can’t help but write to him every day, staying up late while waiting for an answer of his, often checking your mobile and getting unsettled when there’s no signal. it’s strange, your colleagues whisper, how can you be so attached to someone if you’ve never even seen him? of course, you know it. you don’t wish for a pretty face, you only wish for a pretty personality. with a heavy sigh and a loud poof you pull the white duvet up to your head, finding comfort by completely hiding inside the warm embrace. you tightly hug a pillow, pretending that it’s him, returning your affection and cuddling, maybe caressing you too inasmuch, as he said, ‘androids don’t need to sleep’. but is it bad to fantasise? you: I’m deeply sorry.... sweetheart: >:( you: [name], it’s the seventh text-made emoji you’ve sent me.... they expressed some sort of anger so I’d prefer if we discussed about whatever is bothering you. sweetheart: >:(( you: I’m begging you.... sweetheart: you’re grounded and your punishment is enduring the wrath of weird angery text-based emoji :< you: what did I do to deserve this? :’( sweetheart: i sent you a heart & you didn’t send it back to me you: gosh! how clumsy of me! could you ever forgive this fool? sweetheart: mhhh it depends. what are you willing to do to be pardoned? you: I’ll send you whatever heart I possess! 💕💖💗💖 sweetheart: THIS IS UNFAIR!!! he’s silently giggling all by himself, in the cold room lit by his blue led circling at a steady rhythm– no, it’s not the temperature, rather it’s the atmosphere; ‘cold’. he’s still grappling with emotions and developing tastes is– well, to put it simply, complicated. he’s heartened with the fact that you once said, at the sight of a photo of his bed and the corner within, that being minimalistic is a style too. though, possibly, his true self is one of a clutterer of knick-knacks. of course, he’d like you to help him pick what ornaments would suit him the best. you: wtf i dont believe it connor♡ : but it does! you: prove it MIKU HATSUNE connor♡ : listen here human it’s not my fault you haven’t got the chance to witness an android external fluid deactivating you: !!!!! are you bragging?? connor♡ : ahahaha I’m joking it’s sending a video right now you watch ecstatically as soon as the app downloads the file, your chest throbbing with pleasurable anxiety. how can it be? he’s kind, precious AND fucking handsome, skin or no skin. you bet bad things will happen to you today to balance this sheer luck. think it thoroughly, it’s actually the first time you see his face. you: u’r cute also how does your hair work man connor♡ : thank you :) it’s connected to my head so.... you: i get it cybernetic magic your secrets are safe with me connor♡ : ahahaha and I was concerning myself about disgusting you you: WHAT fuck no you’re done that way, ok, it’s cool ok? kept it in mind are you allowed to insert ♡ near his name and not tell him? you: I’m waiting!! :/ sweetheart: so needy you: come on, [name]! sweetheart: tru tho you: >audio file cooome ooooonn sweetheart: !!! im ready pick up idiot the monitor lits and here you are, gorgeous. he’s certain that his heart melted on the spot. such is the sensation you give him every time you send him a photo, his thirium pump skipping a beat and making him inevitably somewhat gasping for air, mouth barely closed. he’s not accustomed to all the new features deviancy brought but in this he’s confident, he’s head over heels in love with you. you: what?? you’ve already seen the movie?? love♡ : yeah! I went with Hank! it was very nice, you should see it too you: WELL id kill to (please don’t arrest me detective) but nobody wants,,,, love♡ : why is that? (I won’t arrest you if you behave) you: something along the lines of not their genre or some shit uff (seems sketchy) love♡ : what about going alone? (it isn’t!!) you: it would be too sad :���(  love♡ : I’m sorry to hear that, if I could be there I’d accompany you and wouldn’t mind seeing it a second time. you: yes i know.... what is it? six months? more? you hardly remember, having so many messages in here, it would be too difficult to keep track, though you’re positive, that if you asked him he’d tell you in an instant, since he’s so attentive with that little brain-computer of his. you close your lids, tapping your fingers on the desk, it’s wearing, you must admit. you like him, a lot at this point, but being so far and out of reach.... what can come out of this? friends don’t support you either, ignoring this blatant crush, trying to make you hook-up with people met at a bar, getting annoyed at you constantly texting, preaching that a long distance relationship is not worth your time and your effort, and it’s not even a relationship, isn’t it? you’re not on that level. you’re just weirdos keeping themselves company. bummed out a bit, you decide that maybe avoiding him for a couple of days might be a proper solution. will he feel your absence? will he miss you? you: is everything all right? sweetheart: yes. you: are you sure? sweetheart: yep im,,,, swamped with work, the drill you: that I understand but perhaps I did something wrong? sweetheart: ?? you: you’ve been acting kinda cold lately, and if I’m the cause of that I’m sorry. being a deviant is good sometimes, and sometimes is not. it was great until a while ago so why now.... now....? he feels so lost. it’s understandable to have a job and a life outside this bond but– but is it really? is it okay for you to be without him? you’d manage fine. mhh no– the real question is: is it okay for him to be without you? can he be without sending you a text at least once a day? can he be without hearing your voice at least once a week? can he be without your usual video calls at least twice a month? can he be without seeing you, over a screen, cooking your dinner and singing? can he be? can he exist without you? he’s.... starting to doubt that. sweetheart: no i’m i’m the one whos sorry, okay? we can call tomorrow you: I don’t want to press you into anything you don’t want to sweetheart: you’re not! i’ll make up for not having been so present! you sigh, suffocating yourself on the pillow, how can you be this dense? this stupid? this utter moronic?? unequivocally he was going to worry. you made him worry. fuck. you’re going to trust your guts, no dumb jokes, it’s obvious that you both care about the other and can’t stay apart for too long. you: i know it’s 3AM and you told me to not be awake but i cant i cant okay? im thinking of you and me and you and it began because im a mess so it shouldnt be a surprise i havent gotten better this past year has been.... the best. yeah i fucked up and tried to be distant, to see if sth would change but it didnt i love waking up and finding a text from you, i love the sound of your voice trying to lull me goodnight when im being a spoiled child, i love how you’re so gentle & how you always forgive me and mostly i love you not as a friend, definitely as more, definitely like a lover and i know that you’re so caring that you’ll probably still want to talk with me even if the affection’s not mutual you lock your phone’s screen and place it on the nightstand. the orange light from the streets seeping through the curtains and soaking your covers, and now that your eyes are free to roam, it’s easier to notice the soft feathers’ filling making tiny shadows on your face. poor poor geese. your fingertips slightly touch the stitches, your heartbeat pacing furiously from the strong emotions, both trepidation and fear running your veins. what if he doesn’t feel the same? what if he’s been polite this whole time and you overstepped his boundaries? what if? love♡ is typing.... ping! love♡ : I love you too, honey. but please, don’t scare me again, I think I lost four biocomponents when you suddenly stopped replying to me. also you should sleep. you: im pouring my heart out ugly crying and!!!! you’re too casual nooo it’s no big deal baby we just fucking love each other it’s totally ok incoming call from love ♡ “hey....” his tone slow and almost drowsy “i thought it was clear enough.” words rolling off his tongue, the same that he’d tenderly run across you, kissing, tasting, worshipping your body “i hate you.” you sniffle and there’s a chuckle on the different end “i love you.” you smile, wiping off the tears wetting your cheeks with the back of your right hand “i love you too.”

[sensesdialed-aa]

you say that youre not vagueing anyone but you sound like youre responding directly to something in your tags. are you actually vagueing someone and just dont want to say? im not trying to be mean im just wondering, especially bc you said like you have a right to be sad as if someone told you you shouldnt be. did you get an anon or something about it? bc you also mentioned people sending messages like that.

anon // random asks (always accepting)

no, im not vagueing anybody anon. if i had a problem with anyone that i’m following, i would unfollow them, simple as that. no one directly told me i shouldn’t be, but i have been seeing other people being told that. no one sent me an anon, but i have seen other people get anons like that. is it my business? i don’t know, but i felt the need to say something anyways. i’m honestly really sorry for my posts yesterday and today, i know it’s annoying, and i know i should really stop, but i have a habit of just...posting a Lot and constantly talking in the tags, but i can definitely try and do that less. i’ve been stressed about a lot of things, actually, and the bad atmosphere on tumblr/the entire internet in general/peter’s tag that i keep going into even though it’s probably a bad idea really just escalated all of that, since i usually come here to escape. i also have a problem where if i see someone’s opinion on something, and i disagree, i immediately think they hate me, which is?? not true at all most of the time, it’s just how my stupid brain works, so whenever things get chaotic i start feeling bad and unwanted, it’s not anyone’s fault and all in my head, which is why i’m saying i’m not vagueing people cause i’m really nOT?? 

anyways, i’m really sorry if anyone thinks i’m vagueing them because i promise i’m not. like i said if i had a problem with anyone i’d just unfollow instead of making it a public issue. and i can like,,,stop idk gfjhdks

[mintbees]

Whats ur favorite and least favorite thing abt being relatively well kmown on tungle

i only have 2.4k followers (which dont misunderstand me is still INSANE) so idk about the “relatively well known” status people have at most seen some of my shitposts or the obama dnd post buuuutfavouritei get so many people who send me asks and talk to me and its so interactive!knowing so many people like my content is also really validating and this might sound silly but it gave me confidence in how funny i am! ive grown up having people either not get my jokes or being the joke, and now ome of my posts get THOUSANDS of tags of people laughing at things i said!!! thats just so validating in a way i cant explain. the same goes for art, you guys have motivated me to improve constantly for 2.5 years now and its done so much good. if you’ve been around for maybe a few months you probably wont recognize work from 2 years ago as mine at all and that says a lot.

least favouritethis kind of links into the first one but its the way i have been idolized and put on a pedestal.ive had countless of people ask for my opinions on drama, political things and the like when i have no interest in or proper knowledge to talk about said things. People come to me to ask what to think and thats not only very stressfull its also harmful to the people who do so.you shouldnt depend on one persons opinion to shape your thoughts, especially not of a teenager who, wether you like it or not. isnt perfect.i’ll mess up and say wrong things sometimes, i might have some really shitty opinions i dont even know are bad yet.the idolization puts both me, the “performer” and audience at risk, im not allowed to slip up because ill ruin the perfect image everyone else has of me and upset people. Thats really dangerous and stressful and i wish that would stop, because ive seen others my age try to go along with this plan, and it messes with you.

absolute least favourite im somehow mutuals with glumshoe and every time theyre on my dash i feel pure fear of them seeing my stupid shitposts. sometimes they like my posts and it scares me because i dont know what they think of me and at this point we either need to start talking and break this ice or they unfollow me. this torture must end its been going on for months, please help me

[tenderlyrenjun]

oh god all that sounds rough.. im so sorry for ur loss. i hope ure taking the time u need to grieve and let the pain take its course :/ also, i flunked an econs final last semester and had to retake the mod so... Cs and Ds get degrees!!! 🫠 sending you all my love (not that it would help at all but.. just wishing u well :( )

if it's any consolation.. i love your new fic ideas <3 and i get really excited reading your stuff, even if i dont always come on ur asks to tell u. absolutely adore your imagination and creativity and am considering turning on notifs for ur blog 👀 i would have interacted with u more when u posted ur renjun ones (which i really enjoyed but 1. i rarely read renjun fics since he isn't one of my ults 2. i was preparing for finals and shouldnt have been on tumblr in the first place lmao 💔) (also the fact that u got me reading hrj stuff,, ?? when i dont usually ?? hello ?? i deadass see him in a different light now and it's ur fault 💔 i literally dont have space in my brain to get bias wrecked anymore) ANYWAY i really enjoyed reading privacy, i kinda j fell into it.. all the pining and the banter and how sweet they are to one another and PLEASE the goddamn could-haves / would-haves leading up to them finally running into each other and REALISING THAT THEYVE BEEN UNDER EACH OTHERS' NOSES ALL ALONG good god YES i dont even watch bridgerton but the way u set everything up was chef's kiss

i know u love to talk abt ur stuff so i'll talk abt it with u <3 that new jeno fic ure working on... sign me tf up ✅✅✅ u only wrote one scene but i am HOOKED like i cant wait for the plot... istg the wet dream thing is so??????? UGH the way just one dream is going to absolutely change EVERYTHING

and ALSO my heart yearns for new axis 💔💔 I HAVENT FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT 💔💔

sorry, I'm just seeing this.

I'm processing stuff; I'm in therapy (I constantly make posts about it). It's horrible but also good at the same time. Cs and Ds get degrees but not letters of recommendations 🙃

tbh, most times I feel like I come up with lazy story ideas, like, I kind of just merge various tropes and plots into one fic, but the product is just ... lazy. idk. you're also 100% not obligated to come into my ask box every time that I'm online or anything; you do not owe me anything, and I'm not entitled to your thoughts about my stuff. Like, you definitely do not have to read my stupid ideas about renjun ._. honestly, my fics can probably be superimposed onto different members if you think about it; it's just arbitrary that I see a certain member in the light of the fic.

And you should take time away from social media if you have other things to do; it's really not important to talk to me anyways. I'm just here, hanging out, 'cause I don't have anywhere else to post or talk about nct, and it's not really important. it's just a hobby, nothing special here.

but I'm glad you liked privacy. I've been thinking about it for awhile, since season 2 episode 6 The Choice, but I just didn't write it ... until i did. Tbh, people keep saying that they don't watch bridgerton (I literally do not know more than one other person who has seen through season 2), and I was on the fence about it too, but Jaemin mentioned that he liked season 1 so I tried it out again and s2 is a lot better than s1. But in terms of the fic, idk ... I kinda saw someone else do a bridgerton inspired fic, and I got irritated at, like, the western-specific history, which is dumb because everyone is entitled to their own writing, but I just feel like there's not enough Asian art or Asian history. Like, everything has to be set in America, in an American context, in American English, etc., and it gets a bit tiring, but I also recognize how pretentious that sounds, so I just write my own fics set in Korea, in a Korean/ish context, in the Seoul dialect.

The jeno fic (Married) is out now!!! I hope it doesn't disappoint. I spent like two weeks writing this, rewriting every intro paragraph like 5 times over so that everything flows.

Yeah, I'm thinking about new axis and I'm periodically writing it. I just ... don't really see people being interested in that series, sorry. I'm going to write it though. I'm just a little ... traumatized ... from posting the baseball au stuff because that was when people kept telling me that my writing sucks and that my fics are a disappointment

[irrlicht-ghostfront]

past the horizon.

The preview looks weird?! Dunno. It looks fine on the blog. Or check it out on Ao3 (:

 The man in the trenchcoat has blue eyes and a blue umbrella in his hands. Dean meets him first at the bus-stop in the rain. The man talks about the rain, and the water, and the horizon and the mermaids. Somehow, Dean keeps meeting this man and despite everything, this man makes perfect sense when he shouldnt. The umbrella belongs only to important people, after all.

“I like the rain. It’s very hard being upset while watching the sea, don’t you think?”

~

Dean sees him the very first time at the bus-stop, in the rain. Well, he sees the bright blue umbrella first, but he doesn’t let that count. When he sees the umbrella, Dean decides he doesn’t like this person. Clearly they had listened to the weather channel and came prepared, while Dean himself hadn’t. Not only hadn’t he not listened to the weather channel, he overslept and barely managed to dress himself in proper clothing. And, of course, his idiot of a little brother was perfectly set up by the time Dean stumbled down the stairs. That reminds him, did Sam take an umbrella? Do they even own an umbrella? Somehow, Dean has his doubts. But Sam is smart. Perhaps this girl Jess will share hers? Maybe Sammy even planned that, that sly fucker. Dean grins a little, as he comes to a stop next to the blue umbrella guy.

“Do you like the rain?”

It takes Dean a moment to realise the guy is talking to him. “Huh?” Dean utters, looking over. The guy with the blue umbrella looks at him, with eyes as blue as his umbrella.

“You were smiling. And you don’t have an umbrella? Were you smiling because of the rain?”

Dean isn’t sure how to answer that, but the guy – who looks to be at least ten years Dean’s senior – surely looks at him like he’s expecting an answer.  “I don’t...” he starts, but the stranger simply interrupts him: “I like watching the rain. But I don’t like getting wet. People do call me weird for that, but I’ve learned to cope. They say I should just stay inside, but it’s not the same, you know? Just like there’s a difference between running on a treadmill and running outside.” The guy twirls his umbrella in his hands, and turns to Dean again, smiling. “Well, what about you? Do you like the rain?”

Dean slowly shakes his head. “Nah, I don’t... I mean, not really... uh, no.” To his credit, the smile on the stranger’s face doesn’t falter one bit. “That’s alright”, he says instead, “I’ll just enjoy it for the both of us.” Dean makes some sort of sound – he isn’t quite sure how to describe it – and decides here and now: this guy is very strange and probably ran away from a mental hospital. Now he can only hope the bus hurries the fuck up.

He hears the stranger shuffle, and then it stops raining. Dean looks up just to see the man stands closer now, including Dean under his umbrella. His closeness does make Dean slightly – scratch that, largely – uncomfortable. And yet he doesn’t move away, because the uneasiness is probably better than getting even wetter. Subtly, Dean glances at this weirdo. He wears a trench coat. Who the hell wears these things except child molesters? “What’s your name?” the stranger asks and his tone is very soft. Dean squirms a little. “Dean”, he says then, utterly unsure why the fuck he just gave that up. What if the molester was going to look for him now? Oh god, hopefully he wouldn’t find Sam.

“Your ride has arrived”, the stranger says and Dean almost fucking bolts. For a moment, he is terrified if the stranger will also be coming on the bus – are there even driving multiple ones on this route? – but when he looks behind him, the man in the trench coat just smiles at him from under his blue umbrella with his blue eyes and just says: “Goodbye, Dean.” Then the door closes and Dean can’t see the man anymore. Dean feels something strange in his chest and he decides to just forget about it as quickly as possible.

 ~

 “Ever since the very first time, hearing the waves reminds me of whom I used to be.”

 ~

 Three weeks later finds Dean brooding over homework assignments. In fact, he is very close to giving up. Why doesn’t Sam just do this stuff for him? Dean could probably fluke the tests. But no, Sammy just had to insist Dean do his own stupid homework. How was he supposed to go buy groceries if he’s stuck on this crap all the time? And later, Sam will all be like “Dean you’re starving me on purpose”. Geez that kid would be the end of him for sure. Sometimes Dean wishes their dad wouldn’t be driving a stupid truck for a living. Having him here would make things a lot easier. But alas, it is not so, and Dean must see where he’s at.

Also, he’s got a date this weekend. He’s almost very much sure this date will result in sex, and somehow he doesn’t really feel up to that. Tomorrow will look different, hopefully. Giving up, finally, Dean collapses with a sigh. Homework really sucks all the energy out of him. And he still has to go grocery shopping. He groans and flops away from the table he’s been sitting at. Being sixteen and having to maintain an entire household really sucks.

Maybe going shopping now would clear his head – at least a little. And then Sam (and himself) would have food and his brother couldn’t bug him about it later. Yeah, that sounds like a very god idea. Dean grunts as he pushes himself up his chair. He pops his head into Sam’s room and asks if he needs anything, knowing full well Sam would try to educate him about the importance of greens. Ugh. He’s wondering who raised Sammy to be so healthy. It had probably been school.  And, of course: He’s told to buy salad. What’s ever wrong with pizza and fast-food? Sam would grow up to be a damn hippie, and that would just be embarrassing.

 ~

 Of course, it’s fucking raining. And of course Dean didn’t bring an umbrella; again. So now, he trudges through the stupid rain in his way too-light jacket and hopes he isn’t going to freeze. He’s sure Lisa wouldn’t like him as a Popsicle. So he grumbles and moves faster, hoping by the time he’s finished in the grocery store, it stopped raining.

So yeah, he spends a little more time than necessary inside the store. He pretends he’s looking for salad (he isn’t) and actively avoiding the fast food section (he’s there the whole time). But eventually, he has to pay and leave the store. And of course, the rain hasn’t stopped. It got better, but still... Dean sighs. Now he can just hope his groceries don’t get wet.

“Hello, Dean. Do you still dislike the rain?”

Dean whips his head around at the sound of the voice, and, sure enough: it’s the stranger from the bus stop with the blue umbrella and the blue eyes. Dean just stares at him; because he has honestly forgotten all about him. The stranger just smiles at him. “Would you mind accompany me a while? If it still rains after, I will escort you home with my umbrella.”

He doesn’t wait, though. The stranger just turns around and starts walking, and Dean struggles to catch up to him. Why, he doesn’t know. For all he knows, this man is insane, a child molester and god knows what else. Don’t go with strangers, dad used to say. Yeah, that seems to have stuck perfectly well. Hopefully Sam would evolve to be smarter than that, but he was eating salad too, so... that might help.

The stranger walks a steady pace, just slow enough for Dean to keep up. “Hey, what’s your name? You know mine, but you never told me yours.” The man doesn’t even spare a glance at Dean as he keeps on walking. “Hey, did you hear me? I asked what your name is! Or do you want me to call you weirdo?!” The man keeps ignoring him. “Fine!”, Dean shouts. “Weirdo it is, then. You wanted it, buddy.” Apparently, that name doesn’t seem to concern the man, as he just keeps walking. Dean grumbles and walks at a faster pace. He doesn’t even look where they’re going. He was stupid. Why did he agree to walk with this lunatic? And yeah, Sam knows he’s out for shopping, but that’s not really helping now.

Angrily, Dean keeps following. “I could just leave, you know”, he says then, and the man simply responds with “Yes.” Gods, Dean hates him so much. And yet, Dean doesn’t leave. Somehow it feels important to follow, even if he can’t understand it.

They’re heading for the shore. “Uh, buddy, if the thing you wanna show me is the sea, then, uh... I’ve seen that before.  And I think my brother’s waiting for me, so...” “Your brother shall be fine waiting. I do not wish to show you the water. I have come all this way for you, Dean, and now you will simply follow me. I asked; and you agreed. Why do you complain so constantly?” Dean just stands there, stunned. The man didn’t even turn wholly to face him, just glares at him out of the corner of his eyes. And then he again doesn’t wait, just keeps going and Dean has to hurry to catch up again.

Well, that outburst had been weird. But the rain has gotten worse again, and the prospect of walking home under an umbrella was a little tempting. Concerning, considering this man would still be with him, but strangely, very strangely, also perfectly alright.

 ~

 They reach the shore, but due to the heavy rain it’s very hard to see the sea properly. The man doesn’t seem fazed though, as he heads down the stone stairs onto the sand and Dean finds himself running after him again. Apparently, that was becoming a habit.

As soon as Weirdo steps on the sand, he gets a little slower, as if he’s concentrating. Dean has to listen close, but he hears the man counting the steps under his breath. Why, Dean wonders. They stop at exactly 27, and he turns towards the water. Dean’s been quiet, because Weirdo surely had a reason to bring him here.

“I’d ask you to sit”, he says then, “but I’m afraid that might be unpleasant. Sadly, that is a side effect of the rain. Are you comfortable standing here with me?” Dean just nods. “Why have you brought me here? What’s so special?” The man smiles brightly; and he seems happy at Dean’s question. “I brought you here because of the mermaids. Have you ever seen the mermaids?”

Dean blinks, because what? Did he just say mermaids? Is this lunatic serious? But the man just smiles. “Don’t worry, Dean, I’ll tell you all about them. And one day, I will have a boat and I will sail just past the horizon. Did you know that that’s where they live? Someone told me once, and they were really sure, and I wanted to believe.” The confusion must have shown on Dean’s face, because the man just shakes his head. “If you wish, I will tell you more. Will you return tomorrow? Right here again, 27 steps from the stairs? I would enjoy your company.” Then he hands over his umbrella. “Take it home with you, Dean. If you want, you can return it to me later. And I ask you to look after it, yes? Someone important gave it to me once.” Dean looks up at the umbrella in his hands. If it was that important, why give it to Dean of all people, a stranger? He doesn’t want that responsibility, so he makes a move giving it back, but – but the man is already gone. Dean is left alone at the shore, 27 steps from the stairs, blue umbrella in his hand.

 ~

 “I wish to go so far that there is no land anymore. Just me, and all the waves of the world.”

 ~

 Sam never gets to see the blue umbrella. It belongs to Weirdo, and it seems to be an important keepsake. Of course, that makes Dean wonder again why it was given to him. Look after it. Yeah, he could do that. And tomorrow, he’d give it back, easy and simple.

Dean hides the umbrella in his room. He makes food, he calls their dad and then the day is over.  Lying on his bed, Dean thinks about Mystery Man. He’s very irritated about the fact that this guy seems perfectly alright there where he is. Dean wasn’t waiting for him, never missed a person in that spot, and yet – this man feels familiar. Dad once talked about a “soul bond” or some shit with Mary. At that time, Dean thought that was stupid adult bullshit. And, to be honest, Dean doesn’t want such a bond with a man so old. And any man in general. Also, mermaids? That guy had to be nuts. No other way, he had to be.

 ~

 And yet, the next day, Dean goes back. It rains again, and Dean takes the umbrella. The guy doesn’t ask for it back. He asks to meet again, and Dean says yes. He doesn’t know why, and he doesn’t believe in mermaids, but...

Dean thinks there might be something past the horizon.

 ~

 Every day, Dean returns. It’s raining quite a lot. And when it’s not, the guy is surrounded by fireflies. If Dean didn’t know better, he’d say the guy is dancing with them. Dean brings the umbrella and never offers to return it. Sam started asking if Dean finally made friends he’d meet outside school (except for drinking) and he just glared; because Dude is not his friend.

Dude is weird, and strange and just... just something else. So what if he’s been neglecting Lisa for this guy? So what if this guy made Dean read up on mermaids? If anything, Sam should be happy Dean is picking up books once in a while.

His phone vibrates and Dean huffs with a sigh. That would be Lisa, again. And surely she’s gonna be bothering him about the party next Saturday. He’d promised her ages ago they would go together and he really should do that, considering how less she’s actually seen of him lately. People had even asked him at school if they were still together. Dean grumbles and he throws the book in the corner.

He doesn’t go to the guy at his usual time. He misses the mark, somehow, and then it’s suddenly so late he’s got to shoo Sam to bed. It’s school tomorrow, after all. As Dean gets ready for bed himself, he glances out the window; and sees the pouring rain.

He thinks of Dude, in his trench coat, without an umbrella. The guy must be drenched. And yeah, Dean knows logic says the guy is long gone when he realised Dean wasn’t gonna come, and yet... Dean thinks about this guy, sitting on the sand, 27 steps from the stairs, watching the sea.

And then Dean runs. He doesn’t even grab the umbrella, barely puts on shoes; and runs. He runs the whole way to the beach, because Dude has been waiting for him the whole day.

 ~

 Dean arrives at the shore, completely out of breath and drenched to the bone, just fifteen minutes later. He doesn’t even take a minute to catch his breath; he stumbles towards the shore immediately. “You’re still here”, Dean cries and he starts running. The man gets up and catches Dean in his arms. And no matter how weird this should be, it feels good. “Sorry”, Dean breathes, “I wanted, but then it was so late and then there was the rain and I thought about you and the umbrella, and...”

“Shhh”, the man shushes him and Dean stills, taking a few deep breaths. “You’re here now. I never mind waiting, Dean. I’m glad you came. But we should not stay too much longer. It’s quite late, I’m afraid and you are wet, as well.” Dean nods against his chest and takes a step away. “Yeah, I just... I just didn’t wanna you thinking I dumped you or something.” The man smiles broadly at him and not for the first time Dean is intrigued by that and wondering what was going on in his head, as well.

“I know you wouldn’t, Dean.” He turns his head and looks at the water. “I think I can hear the mermaids coming. I observed them tonight, and they seem to come closer. They’ll reach the shore soon.” Dean takes a step closer. “I thought they live just past the horizon?” The man nods. “Yes. But why should they not travel? Furthermore, I fear I lured them here. I’m afraid I stayed a while too long“. There is some panic in Dean’s chest. This sounds like a good-bye. Dean doesn’t like good-byes. They are often forever, and for some reason he doesn’t want this guy to leave.

“Tell me your name”, Dean says then. “If you have to go, at least tell me your name.” The guy turns and smiles at him. “If I do, will you promise me something? It’s very important and you can’t break your promise.” At Dean’s nod, he continues: “Next Saturday, the mermaids will reach the shore. I need you to be here, Dean. Right here, 27 steps from the stairs, at the exact time of 18:03. Not sooner, and not later. If you can’t manage that, don’t make a promise to me. It’s very important, because I can’t be here, Dean. Will you promise me?” Dean hesitates. Being somewhere at the exact minute might be tough. “If I don’t”, Dean starts, “what will happen?” The man simply smiles: “Everything will change. But then, it’ll be alright. It’s your choice, Dean, and whether you promise me or not, your life shall still unfurl as it will.”

Dean looks at him. The promise doesn’t sound like much. And, if it’s really that important... what’s the harm? “Okay. I’ll be here. Saturday, 27 steps, 18:03. I promise.” Dude hugs him again. “Swear onto me, Dean. Swear onto your car, your dad, your brother, your life. Don’t make empty promises to me, Dean”, the man whispers, but to Dean, it sounded like a shout from the breaking waves. “I swear”, Dean whispers with such a tiny voice he can’t believe is his. The man strokes his hair lightly, and speaks again.

“Very well. You shall receive your reward then. My name is Castiel.”

 ~

 “The more I walk the sea, the more I understand; and the more I do, the less the water understands.”

 ~

 “That’s an angel’s name”, Sam says after he overhears Dean muttering it. And that, somehow, makes absolute perfect sense, Dean thinks.

“The blue umbrella”, Dean says and Sam looks at him. He lets Sam see it, now. Somehow it feels like something’s ending, like... like Castiel is gone. Sam opens the umbrella and holds it over his head. “It’s like I can hear something”, he says and looks at Dean. “The waves, and... something beyond that, too. But it’s really faint, though.” Dean takes the umbrella back and closes it. “It’s important”, Dean says. “Castiel said that. Someone important gave it to him once and...” “Why give it to you, then?”

Dean doesn’t know. “Maybe I’m meant to pass it on to someone important.”

Sam just looks at him. “Maybe you’re important”, he says and then leaves to go to bed.

 ~

 “Dean”, Lisa says at school to him. It’s the few precious minutes before classes actually start and Dean planned to use them to sleep – or hastily copying some homework. And while, yeah, he did ignore Lisa, it’s not making it any better. “Yeah?”

“You haven’t forgotten the party, right? Don’t stand me up. Almost everyone's gonna be there and half of them are thinking we’re not even together anymore.” Dean waves a hand at her. “Who cares what they think? We know we’re still on, right? And don’t worry; I wouldn’t miss a party for anything.” Lisa smiles at that and softly kisses him. “Okay. Don’t fall asleep now, I know how much you love Literature.” Dean grunts, Lisa laughs and everything’s all right.

Later, at lunch, Dean almost asks Charlie to work her magic to see if she can turn Castiel up; find out if he’s local or if he stayed in a motel somewhere. And yet, he doesn’t. After all, what would he do if she couldn’t find anything?

 ~

 Dean goes back to beach. Somehow, he knows Castiel won’t be there, and yet, he still has to go. As expected, Castiel isn’t there. There’s someone else, too. Dean doesn’t get too close, but the other one doesn’t seem to have noticed him. He just stands there, watching the water. It’s by no means very warm around here, and the guy just wears a hoodie. Transfixed, Dean stares at him. Somehow, there’s something, but surely he’s just imagining it. Instead, he looks at the sea. Castiel said the mermaids were close to shore. Whatever that means. Dean really wishes Castiel was here to explain, or, well, to spout more random facts. He turns his head again and the guy now looks at him. He’s too far away to really see him, but something makes Dean flee, and he isn’t sure what it was.

He doesn’t tell Sam, and hopes to forget about it soon.

Later, he texts Lisa, and that boy floats out of his mind.

 ~

 As he promised, next Saturday Dean dresses up. He’s gonna pick Lisa up and then they’re gonna show at this party together and finally, the rumours are gonna die down. Then, Dean is gonna get drunk, maybe have sex, and then Lisa – ever responsible – is probably gonna get him back home. Yes, that sounds like a good plan.

“You’re going out?” Sam asks from the doorway and Dean nods. “Yeah. I’m gonna leave you some money for pizza or something, okay? Don’t wait up on me either, I might be late.” Sam just nods. “Take an umbrella, though. The forecast said to watch out for rain.” Dean laughs. “Yeah, okay, whatever, princess.” Dean ruffles Sam’s hair and grabs the umbrella next to the door. “I’m heading out now. Don’t nerd too hard!”

Dean takes the Impala, and drives over to Lisa’s. She’s clearly flattered being picked up in his Baby; and not having to ride the bus. The party is about twenty minutes from Dean’s place, so if the worst comes to pass and he’s completely smashed, he can technically still walk home. Or Lisa organises a car pool or something. She’s very good at that. They arrive at the party at around 17:45. They’re a tad bit early, but better than being so late all the booze is gone. It actually enables them to find a nice cuddle spot before the party really starts. Lisa’s words, not his.

Benny greets them at the door and ushers them inside. “Nice umbrella you got there, brother”, he says, “didn’t take you as the colourful guy. “ Dean frowns a little at that and looks down at the umbrella he brought inside with him.

Castiel’s umbrella.

Oh god.

Next Saturday, 27 steps from the stairs, at 18:03.

Next Saturday, have a party with Lisa to show you’re still a couple.

Swear onto me, Dean. Swear onto your car, your dad, your brother, your life. Don’t make empty promises to me, Dean.

17:49. Twenty minutes until home. Five more minutes to the shore. He won’t make it. He won’t make it. Dean turns around and runs to the car. He ignores Lisa’s screams and jams the gas. He has to make it. He promised.

He promised.

The mermaids are so close to the shore.

 ~

 “Look upon me. Look upon me and witness the sea I carry within.”

 ~

 Dean ignores all and every traffic rule he ever heard or read about. He couldn’t even say why this is so important. It just was, and that was reason enough. Dean doesn’t know what will happen if he doesn’t make it – at all; or just not on time. Castiel said everything would change, and yet Dean’s life would not be affected. So he shouldn’t care. He shouldn’t care as much as he does.

Someone important gave it to me once.

Maybe you’re important.

Dean’s knuckles turn white. He doesn’t dare checking the time, way too afraid he would be too late. What would happen if he didn’t make it? Castiel made it sound so important. They’ll reach the shore soon. And then what? What would happen? He doesn’t want to find out. He should’ve asked. Castiel would’ve known. He floors the gas even more and barely makes the green light. Not that it would have mattered, anyway.

He won’t make it.

He won’t make it.

He won’t make it.

But he has to make it.

Something’s terrible gonna happen if he breaks his promise. He doesn’t know what, but if it’d been so damn important to Castiel, it would be huge. Dean has the urge to check the time, but he doesn’t dare. Right now, he can live in blissful illusion.

 ~

 Finally arriving, Dean doesn’t bother turning off the engine or even really locking the car. Maybe, by small chance, it just turned 18:03 and he’s just on time. He flies down the stairs and stops 27 steps after it. He looks onto the sea but nothing’s there.  It’s just the water, and an advanced sunset. Irritated, Dean takes a step closer and almost stumbles over something.

Shoes.

What are shoes doing here? If someone took a swim, Dean would see them; also they would have probably taken off more than their shoes. He frowns and looks at the water again. Perhaps they’re diving right now?

There – there’s something in the water.

But it’s not moving. Perhaps it’s driftwood?

There are shoes here.

That’s just driftwood out there, drifting.

Everything will change. But then, it’ll be alright.

No.

It won’t be alright.

Dean screams and runs for the driftwood.

It needs to wear its shoes.

 ~

 The driftwood isn’t breathing.

But Dean doesn’t give up. He messed up, so he’s gonna make it right again. What would Sam think of him? Worse, what would Castiel think? He needs to make it right. He can make this right. He’ll get the driftwood up and breathing, he’s gonna make it wear its shoes and then he’s gonna tell it all about the mermaids and how careful you have to be when they’re this close to the shore.

“Come on”, he says, “come fucking on!”

“He’s dead”, someone says behind Dean and he ignores them. No. The driftwood is not dead. It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks they know. Dean’s here, he saved the driftwood and now he’s gonna get it upright again.

“You promised me”, the one behind him says and Dean freezes. “You promised me, and yet, you failed me.”

The worst part is maybe the complete lack of disappointment. Dean turns around and there he stands, in the last strands of dying sunlight, making him look almost ethereal – Castiel. Castiel with his tan trench coat, his blue tie, his blue eyes and his blue umbrella. Dean wants to curl into himself. Castiel took the umbrella back. Apparently Dean wasn’t important enough.

“It was just driftwood”, Dean replies weakly. “I just wanted to have it wear its shoes.”

Castiel actually smiles at that. “That is very kind of you, Dean. And you’re right. The driftwood couldn’t go anywhere without his shoes, now could it? Why do you think he left them behind?” Castiel stands next to Dean now, and the umbrella almost makes it look like there’s an ocean behind him.  “I... I don’t know”, Dean admits. “Maybe so they don’t get wet?” Castiel actually looks like he’s considering that option. “Perhaps. But with the rest of him wet, the shoes wouldn’t last long. Tell me, Dean, without the shoes, would have watched the water closer?” Dean grabs the driftwood’s hoodie tight.  “What if he left his shoes behind so someone would look and see him?” Castiel looks at him and smiles. “And you did”, he says. “You saw his shoes and you saw him, too.”

“But I was too late. I didn’t see him early enough, and I messed up and I can’t make it right again. What will Sam think of me? What will you?” It really shouldn’t be important, what Castiel thinks. This man is, essentially, still a complete stranger. But it matters. It matters so much, just because it does. Castiel smiles still. “It’ll be alright. You made a promise to me, and you failed; and now someone is dead. That’s okay. When I asked for your promise, I already knew you wouldn’t make it. You always promise me, Dean, and always you fail. It always happens and will always happen. Yet, I don’t think it was the point. Perhaps I want you to remember what a promise means. Perhaps I also wait for the time where you don’t fail me. Where you come here on time and see his shoes, see him and save him. I wonder what happens then. What do you think? If you were to keep your promise, what would happen? Do you think all of this would stop?”

Dean could just stare at him. Nothing of what Castiel just said made any sense. And, how is he supposed to answer that? “Why didn’t you tell me what would happen, then? Then you would have known. And he... and the driftwood would still be alive.” Castiel almost looks disappointed. “When you are conducting an experiment, Dean, you don’t give away your reason. It would false the results.”

“But he’d be alive”, Dean says almost toneless. “He wouldn’t be dead. He wouldn’t be dead.”

“Do you want to save him?”

“Yes.” Dean isn’t sure if he said that, or if the waves carried it away, but Castiel nods anyway. “Promise me something else, then.” Dean nods. He doesn’t trust his voice anymore. Castiel cups Dean’s face in his hands and presses a soft kiss against his forehead. It feels strange, somehow, like a breeze.

Castiel gathers the driftwood in his arms and stands up. Dean still kneels in the sand, and he lifts his face up. The sun’s almost gone now, but Castiel still seems so bright, like he’s a sun of his own. “I need you to see me. I need you to look at me. You need to see me, Dean. Because when you do, then I can see the mermaids.” Castiel smiles. “Someone important gave me a wonderful gift once. I need it to be you, Dean. If it’s going to be you, I can give it to you, too, and everything will work out.”

Dean just stares, because that makes even less sense than the nonsense from right before. Castiel doesn’t wait; he simply turns around and walks into the water. “No”, he says and wants to reach out and –    

Then he is standing atop the stairs and someone is walking into the water. Even without checking the time, he knows exactly how late it is. He doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t care. There are shoes on the beach and there’s someone walking into the waves and –

“No!”

Dean runs. He runs the 27 steps and he runs into the water. He grabs the boy – it’s a boy, it’s not driftwood, it’s not driftwood – and yanks him back, because he needs to wear his shoes. The boy struggles, but Dean locks his arms around his torso. He’s pretty sure the boy is yelling something but he can’t hear it. He throws him at the sand and immediately sits in front of him. “What the hell are you doing?!” The boy demands to know and looks at Dean. His eyes are blue. His eyes are blue and Dean wants to puke because nothing makes sense.

I need you to see me.

“I saw you”, Dean says. “I saw you; and I saw your shoes and you can’t go somewhere without your shoes.” Blue eyes look at him, unblinking. “You saw me?” he asks quietly and Dean nods and he feels terrible because this is his second chance. The boy is silent and looks down. He doesn’t look happy. He grabs his shoes and puts them on his wet socks. “Thanks”, he says quietly. “But I don’t need you to see me.” He stands up then and Dean doesn’t know what to say to make him stay. “Don’t forget your umbrella. I’m sure it’s important to you.” He turns around and leaves and Dean is lost. He looks at the umbrella lying in the sand and he thinks why the umbrella is important. The blue is almost mockery.

Dean still sits in the sand long after the sun has gone down.

Lisa called a few times.

He ignored them all.

 ~

 “What I am I will gladly give to the sea. But if you’d ask, I would hold your hand until the very end.”

 ~

 Later, he tells Sam about it. Sam, bless his soul, doesn’t say anything and simply sits with him quietly, comforting.

“Do you think you’ll see him again?”

“I don’t know. Maybe if I look for the mermaids. Do you think he knows about the mermaids?”

“Maybe not. Why don’t you show him? They seem to be important.”

“But I don’t know how to find him. How am I supposed to tell him about it if I can’t find him?”

“He found you first. So you can find him, too. You will, because I guess you already have.”

They look towards the blue umbrella that stands in the corner. Its imagery is hope and mockery both.

“I will find him again, Sam. What if he loses his shoes again?”

 ~

 Castiel is not a common name. That’s a definite plus on the side, since the one you find’s likely the one you were looking for. Problem, not every system enters first names as well. Castiel could be every C. he ever found on school websites. Maybe Castiel isn’t even a part of any club, and, therefore, would not be mentioned on the school website either. No, he needs to go deeper, but he lacks the skills to do so. So this would become a group effort. That was okay. Perhaps it would be weird, but Charlie was weird too, so maybe it would be a little less weird.

Lisa yells at him on Monday at school. She can’t believe how he just abandoned her there and then didn’t even contact her. She’d been worried and she’s sorry, but this doesn’t seem to be working. That’s okay. He hadn’t been fair to Lisa these past few weeks, anyway. Half the school was already thinking they were off, anyway, so let’s just make them right. So Dean just nods when she’s finished and she seems to deflate a bit. “I’m sorry”, she says and she means it. She sounds like this is her fault. “It’s not your fault, Lisa”, Dean says. She smiles weakly. “Something’s on with you. You look distracted. I hope it works out fine, yeah?” Dean nods and he smiles. Lisa is a good person and she definitely deserves better than him. She leaves and Dean really couldn’t care less about the busied whispering in class.

At lunch, Dean dashes out of class to try and find Charlie before anything stops him. Luckily, it doesn’t take him long to find her – somehow Charlie’s already always in lunch hall, but that works in his favour this time. “Charlie”, he says, not bothering with any hello. “I need your help.” Charlie looks up at him and frown. “What, you want to ruin Lisa’s online reputation? Cause I can do that. You want me to do that?”

“What? No! I need you to find someone. But I just know his name. I don’t know his last name or anything or where he goes to school. All I know is that he should be relatively local and around our age.”

Charlie raises an eyebrow. “Are you a stalker, handmaiden? Or am I doing this for love? Also, if I do that, I want to be fed.” He nods. “Thanks, Char. The name is Castiel and no, I’m not gonna tell you about our “meet-cute”, because no.” Charlie, the little bitch, pouts. “Castiel’s an odd name”, Gilda next to her says. “Yeah, I thought it might at least make the search a bit easier, you know? I meaning, looking for Tom might be a lot longer, ‘cause there are hundreds of those.” Gilda squints and Dean can see in her face that she’s sceptical. “Look, Charlie, just find him, yeah? I promise I’ll explain. Just, just not right now.”

Charlie sighs. “Yeah, okay. I’ll see what my wizard hands can find. But I want three pizzas, upfront, Winchester.” Dean nods and has hope. He’s gonna find Castiel. He’s gonna find him and then everything’s gonna make sense after a while.

 ~

 It’s been a year now. It’s been a year since he last saw Castiel. A few months ago, Charlie gave up her search. She (of course) found several C.s, but none of them had a first name entered. Dean also looked at way too many class pictures to try and find him, but came up with nothing.

To be honest, he was close to giving up. Even dad noticed his constant sulking and considering that dad was almost never home, it kinda spoke volumes. Sam also tried to help but he didn’t came up with anything either.

In some futile attempt, Dean often went back to the shore. Somehow, he thought, maybe Castiel’s gonna be there, either in the rain, or with all the fireflies. But he never was. And no matter how long Dean stayed there watching the water, he failed to hear the mermaids as Castiel could. He felt like a disappointment. And he’s pretty sure the mermaids were saying that, too.

So, a year later Dean Winchester stands at the bus-stop. It’s raining terribly, but he’s got Castiel’s umbrella on him. Sometimes it feels like sacrilege, using it, but then, it’s just an umbrella and it’s meant to be used.

He hears steps next to him and doesn’t think of anything. He hears Dude shifting next to him – perhaps he doesn’t have an umbrella, and Dean turns to look at the new arrival. And he freezes, because that’s not gonna be happening, now.

It’s Castiel.

Castiel is standing next to him, in the rain, looking just like the driftwood he could’ve been once. A quick glance down tells him Castiel is at least wearing shoes. That’s good. You can’t go anywhere without shoes, after all.

“Do you like the rain?”

He almost chokes it out, because it means so much, on so many levels. Castiel turns his head, surprised, and looks at him. Dean wonders if the boy recognises him. It’s been a year, after all. “What?” Castiel asks, tilting his head a little. “Why do you ask that?” Dean smiles. “Cause you don’t have an umbrella. The weather forecast spoke of rain and here you are and no umbrella in sight. You must like the rain.” Castiel squints. “I don’t have an umbrella. And I don’t think I care particularly much about getting wet. You should know that, yes?”

Shit. So Castiel remembers him. That’s some weird first impression, but it makes Dean feel all warm inside.  “I like watching the rain. But I don’t like getting wet.” Castiel tilts his head again. “Why don’t you just stay inside then? You can watch the rain from inside, too.”

Dean smiles softly. “Yeah, you’re right.” He can see his bus coming and right now, he hates schedules. “But from inside, I can’t hear the mermaids.” Castiel’s eyes widen a little, and he asks “Mermaids?” like he’s never heard that term before and maybe he hadn’t.

Someone told me once.

Dean presses the umbrella into Castiel’s hands. “Here, take that. It’s for important people only, alright? Someone told me once. So don’t lose, okay? If you want, you can give it back to me next time.” Before he could do more stupid things, Dean turns around and starts boarding the bus.

“Wait”, he hears Castiel say, “what’s your name?” Dean chokes “Dean” out of his throat and looks at the boy again.

The boy just smiles at him from under his blue umbrella with his blue eyes and just says:

“Hello, Dean.”

 ~

 “I have no limit at the shore. Wherever I want to go, the mermaids will guide me. Take my hand, and let me take you with me. I can’t find the end alone, but when you’re with me, I just might.”

[strawberryspeachy]

I was so scared he was gonna hurt me.

Why did he have a picture of another girl in his wallet after telling me that he hadnt had a girlfriend in a year. Why did he hum when i asked about it. Why did he take over a day constantly to respond. Why did he have an excuse as to why he couldnt talk on the phone everytime it wasnt planned. Why didnt he message me asking about me and barely even responded to my messages. Why didnt he seem to want to see me. Why was he able to go to a salan with pink eye but not see me or call me. Why did he saying crazy nice things the same night that he met me. Was he really sick. Did his phone rlly break. Was he really sleeping

I was paraoid and asked him if he was talking to another girl and if thats why he kept taking so long to respond and told him he gave me a yeast infection

I said mean things when he responded to a fake account instead of me

And again got confrontational when he cancelled the date that i had planned to use to see if he actually cared about me and if i could trust him

Writing is all shortly here i sound so stupid. Like. Why did i try to beleive him? Obviously he was rlly just cheating on me all along

But i have been blaming myself over and over. Wondering if i caused him to eventually cheat on me

That last time. The date he cancelled and i confronted him to break up. And he conned me out of money instead. I was mad and upset and confrontational. He said it was ok. He wouldnt let me go back to his house to cuddle or anything- but said if i paid for a hotel then he wouldnt be tired! I didnt. And the manga cafe he took me too ended up being more expensive than he said because they wanted a card made. And i was so stressed and upset. That i just got emotional and didnt rlly use words. He took us from the front desk and i asked if he had even just 5 dollars for it

And im supid. Im stupid im stupid im stupid.

We talked about our birthdays on the first date cause mine was soon. He said his bday passed recently. And he said he wanted to celebrate my bday with me. I suggested we celebrate his late too and asked what he wanted to do

He immediately told me as though wed been together for a long time already - that he wants something from an expensive brand he likes and that clothes bags or accessories from there would make him happy.

I thought it was a lot to ask of someone you just got together with but didnt comment and asked what his favorite food is. He told me he wanted to eat yakiniku (rlly expensive japanese bbq)

And when i said mean things and afterwards apologized and asked if he could forgive me. He said he would if I bought him an accessory.

And that day he just kept pushing to see how much money he could grt me to spend on him and made sure to spend as much as possible on food no matter where wed go

And i knew all along but yet just let this shit happen

The manga cafe

We went out and i was sulking. I expected him to actually start walking away. To threaten to leave me there... he didnt. Hed walked ahead but came back and took my hand.

The mood became good again with some affections

And why im writing this is.... i told him before the day that i wanted the date because as id told him several times - the lack of affetion he gave me made me feel bad and i wasnt shown that someone cares about me i cant beleive it. If i know it i can have faith and trust. But ive been hurt to often to blindly trust.... and it shouldnt be that fucking simple - i shouldnt be.

How many people in my life have actually looked at me get emptional. And just walked away. Legit left me. I dont mean after the fact. Like out somewhere. I do or say something someone doesnt quite like - they just leave me - i have to chase after.

And he didnt... (physically)

So despite the fact that his story was even mor suspicious

I enjoyed my day with him...and i rlly thought maybe he rlly cared...

Two days later i made myself a salad for lunch. Right as i took it out if my fridge it exploded out of the container and all over the floor

I had sprayed bug spray on that very spot a few days before.

I threw the salad back in the box and angerly cleaned - now late when i had been early to leave for work

And so i ate it at work - for the first time a bit worried about poisoning myself.

And i probably started having a panic attack but I attributed the dizzyness and heavy chest and shorg breathe to

Maybe. I ate the bug spray

Usually in a situation like this i think - good. I hope it kills me.

But i thought myself thinking no - i dont want to die - i hope i didnt poison myself. Im not ready - i wanna see where this all goes with my boyfriend

I actually hoped not to die over him.... for just that moment. I was happy for a moment

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[shibanunu]

(1)hey! i was hoping that you could give me advice on something that im struggling with right now. so i started college a few weeks ago and i just... feel so alone. i know that this sounds stupid but i just feel like everyone else is so good at connecting with people while i guess i seem to lack in that area. i mean i've made friends but they all seem to have their own better friends, so i just constantly feel unwanted/unwelcome... i dont really have anyone to talk to besides my friends

(2)back home, so i just feel so alone and isolated from everyone else. i am very friendly and am always nice to people but i still dont seem good enough for these people to keep around... and it just feels like im the only one feeling like this (even though i know im not) which makes it worse. haha sorry this turned out to be so long

Good day you person HELLO!!! First of all thank you for sharing this with me, for feeling comfortable enough to do it, I feel very happy knowing you thought I could help you in a way, so thank you

(I’m gonna be putting it under the cut bc it might be a bit long lmao)

You’re not unwanted or unwelcomed in any way, I can guarantee you that. I am also a very friendly person and it also took me a while to start having like ‘the friends’ when I got into college, those friends that you feel good around and wanna share things with, not only close classmates you know. With time you’ll see ppl who share the same or more stuff with you mind-wise and you’re naturally going to flow towards each other. 

Also dont think as you’re not “good enough”, rather than that try to see it from outside of the situation, you’re friendly and just like you are friendly - and probably outgoing from what you’ve told me - there are ppl who are more instrospective and shy, so for them to get to you it takes twice the time and confidence to make the first step, for example. And if someone makes you feel like you’re “still not good enough” that’s not the someone you will want to get close with bc a friendship shouldnt be based on this kind of feeling. 

I don’t know what are you taking on college but I guess every career has that topic every one loves to talk about bc it’s a common interest you all share in a level. As a vet student it’s just fantastic how much you can talk by mentioning someone’s pet lmfao it’s a soft topic that can go to a lot of different roads and with that you can get to know someone better. One thing that have always helped me to create some kind of bond is to ask for help on small tasks like making a reasearch or asking someone how they did that or that, if they know where a certain class is going to be, small talk that could lead to smth that is beyond our expectations. 

We probably live different college realities, idk how your college works, what student groups exist/ if they exist so if you wanna come off anon we can talk more about it and we can try to find new ways. If you feel comfortable on doing it I’d be very glad on listening and we could find a way of working things out :’)

[teddy-feathers]

In better news theres at least one decently priced apartment complex here thats 11 mins away - west whereas my parents house is approx 15 mins east - of work. And by decently priced I mean I think I could afford it by myself the one room or studio if they have it. So. Just need to save money till ive got enough for some basic furniture, at least two months rent, untilites, and other bills. And then... I just have to figure out how to discuss moving out with dad. Or maybe I'll just keep saving until i can't stand it any ... Hes throwing a tantrum about the milk going bad because we bought a gallon instead of a half gallon last time. He throws a fucking tantrum every time he gets irritated about every little thing. And every time he does, every time he fucking raises his voice I want to either cry or get bitchy back and sound just like him. Stop just stop talking to us that way. Youre a fucking 50 year old man and you can control YOU god blessed tone and temper for ONCE in my fucking life because I dont want to fucking here that tone anymore when YOU address US. YOU are a part of a fucking FAMILY not a dictatorship and you will by god act like it because regardless of what you or anyone else in the fucking hyde side of the family thinks YOUR fucking behavior is out of line, unacceptable, and I do not have to fucking tolorate it and I am reaching the fucking point where I WONT any long and THAT is not disrespectful THAT is refusing to put uo with being disrespected and if you dont like it cant accept or understand fine i will fucking leave because i will not here one word - one fucking word do you understand me - of you talking down to me and explaining how I have to sit here and take it when I get the LEAST bit upset about fuck all and Im "WRONG" HAVE I MADE MY FUCKING SELF CLEAR DADDY??? DO YOU UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I WILL NOT FUCKING REPEAT MYSELF SO YOU BETTER GET IT THROUGH YOUR GOD BLESSED HEAD NOW. ... I'm going to turn into him and i hate him but he's not a bad guy and not unreasonable i just am so tired of dealing with him and im so tired of being stressed and feeling stupid and wrong because i know people in my family will say hes been good and tolerant of my fuck ups and attitude problem and how I'm in the wrong and maybe some real world experiences will straighten me out But ive had real world experiences ive gone from being homeless to being in a shelter to getting a job to living on my own and yeah I had help from the government and the shelter but i did all of that on my own i got out in months and survived a year with minimal assistance and some of those people are STILL there struggling and trying to figure a way out of that shit situation so dont you tell me im the ignorant one that ive got my head up my ass that i dont understand and ill regret shit You know what I regret? I regret the time spent at that college in kerrville with my aunt. I regret blaming myself for running away from her instead of talking to her. I regret letting my family talk me into doing things I knew deep down I couldn't handle even if its not reasonable to not go to class when I like the class. I regret running away from my job which yeah in retrospet i hated but I had the job, had friends, and probably should have asked for help. I regret always running instead of asking for help. I regret that I don't know how to have a relationship with my family if I dont live with them because I never fucking talk on the phone. I regret being afraid to sound stupid or be wrong no matter the situation I regret that i cant talk to my family without losing my conviction that anything is wrong with this situation I regret that even though its not that bad id rather invalidate the fact that i personally cant stand it then just admit that it doesn't have to be a certain level of terrible for it to be okay to admit I cant. I regret that being selfish makes me feel guilty and that wanting to be independent is equated with running away from my problems and family. I regret that i feel the need to escape people i love. I regret that i balme my dad and aunt for more than their fair share of my problems And i also regret that I don't want to balme them at all. But I don't regret not going to school right now when I feel like im going to be sick just signing up for classes. And I don't regret doing entry level bs. And I don't regret fucking uo my future as much as I have because I dont think itll work itself out - I've just already accepted Ive fucked it up amd Ill have to deal with the consequences and ramifications of those actions later which - while that sucks - is honestly nothing new in my life. I dont regret that I'm too stupid or naive or whatever to make life easier on myself later because I'm too busy regreting how hard ive made life on myself right NOW by simply failing to accept that it doesnt matter right wrong or indifferent what will make life bearable now is what I need to go after not just doing the same old failed formula for success I think i should be doing or what's expected of me. It doesnt matter that its cheaper better and more sociable to live with my family. It doesnt matter that I really shouldnt be so upset do constantly around my dad. What matters is Id feel better if I lived on my own. Ive always wanted that and it doesnt matter if its selfish what matters is i feel i need this so i should actively do this.

[sharksfood]

tbh most of this i have been thinking about for a while but i havent been able to form into words and im afraid its actually a really mean thing, but ive accidentally latched onto someone else’s nihilism and self deprecation just now so this may come off worse than i intended it to sound.

so ive always feel unease and fear and anxiety when in public ever since the end of elementary school, but being with friends lessens this feeling somewhat. i always feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me and gossiping about me, and although i say i dont care what other people think of me and i prefer to do my own thing, my brain is always telling me to conform and impress others because if i dont then they will hate me and say hurtful things about me, and this goes for strangers to loved ones, even on the internet. because its so much worse than before i think theres something seriously wrong with me.

however, this year i think its gotten worse, to the point where i start to pick up on peoples’ conversations and for some god damn reason i think they are talking about me, and if not about me specifically they are talking about something related to my identity or something i enjoy and i always think they are saying negative things. its never good. so i think this and then i automatically want to protect myself and back up my hobbies or whatever but i also want to hide in a hole and scrape away all the negative parts of myself so that i’ll be exactly what they want from me. if someone mentions they dont like something that i love then i hate myself for liking that thing.

ill give some examples.

one that has been happening the most is im sitting in class and not listening to music, im just working and i can hear the other students talking around me. i can hear one conversation at the other end of the table, but i cant exactly make you what they are saying. i do hear them laugh or say “oooh” in a condescending tone. i automatically think they are talking about me. what about me? is my makeup smeared? did they see the stickers on my laptop and its something they hate? did i forget deodorant today? no. oh god, did they see my godzilla meme on tumblr and havent realized thats me?? maybe they know its me. shit, i talked to one of them earlier today.... maybe they are talking about that and how stupid i looked or when i mispronounced the word “gouache” or when i snorted while laughing? did they see me at lunch laughing at my phone??? WHAT DID I DO

and if they are not talking then i think they are looking at me. and this has happened. i see people staring at me and i dont do anything about them because if i call them out on it theyll act like im the one at fault, and maybe i am at fault?

another example, and the specifics dont really matter but its just the scenario that happens a lot, i was going through my instagram once and Suzy (of game grumps and kitty kat gaming) had posted some artwork based on Alice in Wonderland. of course i was excited and it was really cool!!! so i liked it and started reading her caption, and in it she explained how much she loves the books and all that. she also said that she HATES the tim burton alice films. i dont remember why she hates them, but that doesnt matter. I love anything Alice in Wonderland, and those films are especially important to me. so i was heartbroken. and then i started thinking, oh god, maybe i shouldnt like those movies. i mean, wouldnt a real alice in wonderland fan only like the original works? and this is Suzy, shes somewhat famous! if i ever met her she’d know right away that i like the tim burton alice movies and then she would hate me! id want to talk to her about alice in wonderland and she would tell me i cant be an alice fan because i like the tim burton movies!!!

and then i cried a lot. what sucks is that i know most of that isnt true. and just because i like something doesnt mean someone who dislikes that thing will hate me. and it doesnt matter if this person is famous, they’re just a person! i know its all irrational thinking but in the moment, and even now, i still feel like it matters. it freaks me out and makes me all kinds of sad and then i start overthinking myself.

the last example is one that keeps me up at night, and i still think im a horrible person because of this. i finally confided in a good friend about something that most people would think is not a big deal, and it really isn’t, but my build up to the confession made it seem all the more important. when i told this to my friend, they had a negative reaction, not over the top of anything, more of a “oh, thats kinda weird.” or “really?” i didnt expect them to be over the moon about it, and in my mind their reaction was 10x worse. now i regret ever telling them this information, because now i think they think of me differently, like im a bad person. realistically they probably have forgotten about it, and i really hope so, but in my mind its something that now sticks out of me like a sore thumb. now, anything i say or do is tarnished. and i will never tell anyone.

what i confessed is nothing serious. i didnt kill someone, i dont believe in a horrible moral or notion, its nothing like that. but in my mind it is one of the most shameful things possible. and i worry that maybe i am a horrible person! but i cant tell anyone without going through the same feelings of shame all over again. the good news is that the info i confessed to my friend may not be the same, i think it has lessened over time. but im scared to revisit the source.

anyways, what im really trying to get at here is that i dont feel comfortable in public and i hate it. i hate constantly feeling stressed and judged and laughed at, and ill never know if its true or just my brain. because im hyperempathetic, i feel people’s negative emotions tenfold, and because my self confidence and self worth is so low, those negative emotions become about me. and then my anxiety make this a constant occurrence that is boiled in my brain over and over again.

this is a big reason why i spend so much time alone and why i lack the energy to socialize with people. this is the reason why i distance myself from others when im having a rough day or my mental shit is worse than usual. this is why its hard for me to make friends. i hate it.

now i dont really know why i made this post. maybe someone knows why i think like this?