#this means i have to somehow get to sf to see them

[utilitycaster]

To elaborate on this post specifically with regards to Worlds Beyond Number, well, Suvi says it all, really:

They love being on my tab, they love having fun, they love being protected by me, but they never listen to me and they don't care.

Because here is the thing. Suvi is of the Citadel, which is part of the Empire. We do not have a full understanding of the geopolitical system but as a rule an empire is participating in conquest; sometimes two empires both exist and attack each other and so the exact scenario gets very gray and complicated but I think we do all agree the Empire is not great.

Suvi is of the Citadel. She holds a position of great privilege within the Citadel. This is in part because her parents were, as far as we know, betrayed and murdered by an enemy of the Citadel (having themselves been, again, based on what we know, reformers and rule-breakers as well as extremely capable spies) and she was adopted by one of their closest friends, who became the Sword of the Citadel.

She is not the Citadel. She is a 20-year old who was primarily raised within it, with all of the above complications of her parents. She is not single-handedly responsible for every action the citadel takes. She is not personally trying to stop Ame or Eursulon, only saying that there will be consequences if they leave. Consequences that she has experienced after Ame ran into the kudzu and Eursulon went after Naram and they all attempted to break Ame's curse; consequences she knows will become more and more dire if she continues to disobey Steel, particularly a direct order; consequences that already resulted in Ame being in a coma for a month. (The court-martial, I will say, is entirely on Suvi; the rest is not).

And in all of those situations: Ame and Eursulon were, as Suvi says, happy to have Suvi's purse pay for room and board, and her wizard's staff open doors, and to be put up and fed at the Chantry, and take the skyships, and train at the Citadel and have a marvelous time there. It's been several days and they could have left sooner, and they didn't. It's very "no ethical consumption under capitalism, which means that I can do whatever I want" rather than like, attempting to make slightly less harmful choices from Ame and Eursulon. Their choices aren't coming from a principled stance against the Citadel and Empire; they are coming from a "well, thanks for all the fun and the safe place to stay and the resources for research but you told me not to do something I wanted to do and I won't wait an hour to try and see if we can come to a solution that works for everyone."

For that matter, they're making these choices in part because of what a wizard of the citadel is saying to them; and yet Suvi's presence was said by that very wizard to be crucial to Ame's survival, and they're still not waiting.

[stepping outside of all of the above and the below: I think all the actions being taken, as a listener, are fucking great because this is D&D and conflict is fun and also all of these characters are like, the equivalent of 20 years old and level 2; this is not me saying Suvi is right and Ame and Eursulon are wrong. Rather, Suvi is no less right or wrong than the others, and she is extremely justified in feeling hurt and angry and that her friends are willing to take and not give.]

Something I've found in a lot of sf stories but especially actual play is a pretty strong and frankly, weird bias within the fandom of exactly this nature, as the linked post said. Someone affiliated with an empire or a power is somehow, as an individual, responsible for every harmful action that power commits. They're brainwashed. They're evil. They don't get it. They just need to come around to the right mentality. And that right mentality is, of course, that of the good rural person with nature magic. They are a leader within their small community and hold an immense amount of power over them - and perhaps beyond - but don't worry, they use it correctly. They're wise and they're right about everything.

Except they're not. They are frequently either idealistic to the point of ignoring the realities of the situation, or very limited in their viewpoint, or do not realize the immense privilege of being in their position as both a person in nigh absolute benevolent power within a small domain and also the only person with that power. Those wise, provincial, nature-based characters rarely understand that to exist within a complex and yes, extremely flawed and even ill-intentioned system like the Citadel is to be, even as a person with privilege within that hierarchy, a cog.

Suvi cannot just leave. She exists within a vast system and she is not stupid or brainwashed for acknowledging the realities of it. I think that yes, a very possible path forward for her is one in which she grows to question the Citadel's practices. I also think that to treat her as the embodiment of this entire empire, or to expect that her only way to be a good person is via a sudden about-face at the cost of everything she has, when she is a level 2 apprentic, is not just overly simplistic but flat-out incorrect. And I think that to assume Ame is objectively correct for not waiting a very brief amount of time for Steel (when, in fact, one could argue she should have left immediately upon being contacted; she had been absent from her duties for months already) is similarly oversimplifying to the point where one's conclusions are no longer useful.

Recall that witches' familiars are said to embody the traits within them that, to be an effective steward of their position, they often must set aside. Ame has been letting hers lead her.

[acourtofthought]

"Elain handled the darkness of the Cauldron therefore she can handle Azriel's darkness."

Elain handled the Cauldron because she's brave and has strength of character. Using that to try to prove that she'd be fine with Azriel's cruelty darkness is so far off the mark it's wild.

Feyre, married to the High Lord of the NC - a HL who who misted people at Amarantha’s behest, who stole from someone he would have liked to have as a friend, who shamed Feyre and called her human trash (all in order to protect her and Velaris), when she herself brought down an entire court filled with innocent people to take out her revenge on Tamlin, even struggled around Az at first.

Currently struggles with Az's actions:

The author herself said she'd be scared of Az:

She wrote Rhys saying Az's stare sometimes scares the shit out of him.

Azriel created a symphony of pain for his victims, he's not being forced into taking things to that sort of extreme. That's not someone just doing what they have to do, that's someone taking things well beyond necessity.

Yet somehow Elain, who in the authors own words has a different sort of strength than the sisters who belong in the NC, who is gentle and kind and is bothered by cruelty would be the one who would fully embrace Azriel's darkness?

Elain who begged Feyre not to hurt Graysen, tried to get her to swear to leave Graysen unharmed? That Elain would be fine seeing what Az does to unarmed prisoners?

This Elain?

This Elain?

There is a HUGE difference between bravery and saving someone from death versus someone who methodically carries out torture and defaults to it as their go to method of handling enemies.

Elain used TT to stop the King from harming her loved one. Az uses TT to carve people up and draw out their suffering. They are NOT the same.

In SF, the author drew attention to the fact that Nesta, not Feyre or Elain, was the Archeron to see Az:

I also saw this person claiming that if Elain can handle Lucien's "darkness", she can handle Az's, that Lucien is a loose canon compared to Az.

Lucien:

Az:

It's true, Az barely says much at all but it's not because he's more controlled than Lucien, it's because he's always on a razors edge of losing his temper and rarely opens up about himself to anyone which is proven in the text.

I've hit my limit in added images but there are multiple examples of Lucien reigning in his words and temper.

Does Lucien at times snark at others? Definitely and that's why he's the best. But to say he's the loose canon is a joke.

There's zero shame in loving Az, to get a thrill from his darkness and rage, but if someone truly thinks Lucien and Az are written similarly than I have to say they don't truly understand how Sarah has written these characters at all.

And to those who say if Elain can't handle Az's darkness than neither can Gwyn..... These are the same people who claim she's so forgettable they barely remembered her in SF yet now they're claiming they know what she can and can't handle. When you get down to it Gwyn is a new character and that means Sarah can further develop her personality any way she wants in the next books compared to the many books and interviews telling us who Elain is.

Considering Gwyn already said this, however:

“Did you know shields weighed so much? I certainly didn’t. No wonder the Valkyries learned to use them as weapons as deadly as their swords.” She sighed. “They’d have been quite a sight in battle: cracking open enemy skulls with blows from their shields, throwing them to knock an opponent onto their backs before skewering them …” She rubbed her shoulder again. “Their arm muscles must have been as hard as steel.”

I don't think she'll have any trouble with Az's brutality at all.

[sad-scarred-sassy]

tamlin “trapped” feyre after all negotiations broke down with the certainty of knowing feyre would endanger herself and others temporarily

from the wu this fandom talks about it you’d think he’s mother gothel but like. it was only until he came back. it wasn’t like he had her isolated, restricting access to who got to see her. he offered to invite her sisters - she was the one who said no! i really don’t see how it’s comparable to feyre + the ic making nesta stay on a remote island for what it’s worth with two near strangers who she has little to no positive associations with if they can’t be considered the cause of all her trauma in the first place (in that they are fae etc)

whereas nesta’s sentence (bc let’s face it she was sent to azkaban as punishment with a fun caveat like “you’re free if you can cross the sea! and manage to maintain a sense of identity while around guards who remind you how terrible you are of course!”) is indefinite and it’s pretty obvious from everything that comes after that it’s just something she’s expected to make the best of as opposed to something that can get better with time.

and cassian being her jailer whose amicability she has to earn by performing rigorous physical activity she had no interest in even if she grew to love it.. i wonder if she’s had that experience before

sorry, i’m not disagreeing with you, i saw your post + i just die a little inside every time someone’s like “ew tampon” “wow i wish i had a cassian” like no. they’re not the same, you (not you, ily) just have the attention span of a gold fish on catnip

You know I restrained myself from posting more on this because I’m such a hater sometimes lol, gotta focus on more positive things sometimes but... I’ll get this out of my chest.

I wanna preface by saying I do not care if people like Cassian/Nessian, truly. I even like fanon Cassian and fanon Nessian. I also have seen very little people that like Cassian bashing Tamlin (probably bc of my filters and just the type of blogs I follow bc I do love them all) BUT☝🏼 what I do see is a lot of “Disclaimer: we know Tamlin is an abuser” on Tamlin neutral posts (when no other character gets that treatment) or using Tamlin as a cautionary tale of how he treated Feyre and then praise the other “mates” for being “the right ones” and treating them correctly or something, which does annoy me a bit, but alas.

In my opinion yes, you are right, what Cassian and the Inner Circle did to Nesta is a million times worse than what Tamlin did to Feyre, but nobody, nobody considers Cassian’s actions in Silver Flames as bad as they actually are. Nobody considers him an abuser like Abusive Tamlin™️. When talking about what Nesta has endured in SF people put all the blame on Rhys and Feyre (which yes of course) but they forget Cassian was also there, willingly.

I’ve seen people use the argument that both Nesta and Cassian treated each other poorly in their relationship, but I have to ask… what did Nesta do to him that’s worse than what he did… intentionally. She was mean to him and called him bastard like four times? And only when he trespassed her boundaries. Somehow this is comparable to him being her jailer, taking her to train in the middle of Illyria, being a dick when he knew she was struggling, telling her everyone hates her and he cannot understand why her sisters love her, controlling her food intake as if she’s a gym bro or something when she clearly had an eating disorder, not telling her that Feyre was not mad at her and letting her BREAK while making her carry a huge backpack and forcing her on a hike not talking to her for days, to the point she fainted and fell on her face near a cliff?? (this because she made Rhys mad). Anyway the list goes on.

And you know what I don’t care if people like this guy after all this, but it is just funny how somehow Neris shippers are the “morally dubious” ones lol (and don’t get me started on Tamlin stans aka the devil worshippers), because Nesta said she “deserved Eris” (as a punishment), babygirl your WHOLE relationship with Cassian has been a punishment, for what sins you ask? Being mean (as she should) and spending the High Lord’s coin.

And what makes it worse is that the narrative will always favor the Inner circle, Cassian will never pay for what he’s done the way Tamlin has (and still is) he will never even apologize because he was “holding out his hand” or whatever bs that was. (Honestly if I get proven wrong and he does pay and apologize then I may give him a chance, but I highly doubt it)

I won’t even pretend that I think Neris will be canon as much as I wish it was, even if I know that if SJM wrote it, it still would have had its problems but at least Nesta wouldn’t have ended up with the people who treated her like a criminal just because she wouldn’t kiss their ass. And on top of all, with a mate that doesn’t even have the balls to stand up for her. Holy shit.

Okay I got it all out of my chest I think, I’ll try not to hate so much but this shit bro makes me seethe. I’ll go touch some grass.

[lunainfortuna]

It's so funny to me when someone says that ‘gwynriels and elriels are equally problematic/toxic’ and that ‘people weren't harassed! that's fiction!’ because you just had to be there (or have to be here) to know how this shipwar really works.

You just had to be there to remember how Azriel's bonus chapter leaked. And who exactly celebrated first. You had to be there to remember how Gwyn and Az, as a ship, were welcomed in this fandom. How people who shipped them were ‘insane’. Or how Gwyn was ‛just a maid/servant’ (I'm being sweet. We all know what she was actually called). Then, how Gwyn ‛could not be with Azriel because she couldn't have sex, you all. She was a SA victim!’. And then, all the harassment towards real people: us and content creators.

I could ask my fellow gwynriels: raise your hand if in 2021, after SF, you were harassed!

You just had to be there, now in 2022, to know how the ending of HOSAB was leaked. I mean, we all are familiar with ‛bread and roses’. Do you remember who once again celebrated first? (or celebrated at all). Because I do. Do you remember what it was like to be a gwynriel then? Or how many of us were heavily harassed? 🤷🏻 You just had to be there, weeks ago, to know how CCT3 spoilers were leaked and by whom. You just had to be there to know exactly how this fucking shipwar works.

But somehow we are as toxic as them. We cannot answer them or answer all the false information they spread because we are ‘fighting and not enjoying things’. We cannot mention Elain and Azriel or debunk their theories because oh, damn, we are fighting again! Just let us fuck the shut up and let them call us whores, hoes, stupid. Or let them say that victims of SA can't have a sexual life. Or print us and share on their pages to make fun of us. Or change canon facts and distort Sarah's every word.

Funny. It's so funny when someone also says that we all could be ‘happy’ and enjoying things together without disturbance.

Like we haven't tried already. Like, before us, there weren't Eluciens.

No one is angry that someone is shipping something different. NO ONE. We are angry by their fucking behavior.

See, if you feel comfortable by not getting involved in this shipwar, great! If you haven't been harassed, that's perfect. I'm happy for you. But do not assume that everyone is like you. Do not assume you know how this shipwar works. Do not assume how gwynriels and elriels behave without seeing it. Do not assume we are here being ‛lazy and childish’ by pointing out that they are nastier.

Believe me, any of us could leave our social media and forget about this while elriels would still be saying shit about our ship and us. And I'm not excusing bad behavior from gwynriels. I know it happens. A lot. But we aren't the same.

Go look closer. Talk to some people. Some content creators.

Dito isto, como brasileira, devo admitir que o fandom gwynriel anda bastante equivocado. Quase se assemelhando ao elriel. Por isso, peço: não sejam. Não interajam com conteúdo do ship ao lado, especialmente fanarts. Pelo amor.

[starsreminisce]

Some e/riels really want to make Elain the mean girl that they are

Well, here goes nothing...

Let's get one thing straight: Elain isn't going to march up to Gwyn and start a hair-pulling, milkshake-throwing, passive-aggressive showdown. Gwyn hasn't done anything to deserve that treatment. She can't help it if both Az and Nesta treat her differently from Elain. Elain's issue isn't with Gwyn. It's with Nesta. And now, we're seeing Elain push back against Nesta's overprotectiveness, especially when she volunteered to search for the trove.

Some fans seem to want Elain to become this vengeful, "mean girl" character, shedding her good-girl image to match Azriel's demeanor. But Elain's version of "mean" could cut Azriel to the core.

There's a kind of meanness that comes with laying bare someone's flaws—not to hurt, but to finally express what's been bottled up for too long. There's a meanness in honesty, too. Sometimes, you have to draw the line and speak your truth, even if it stings.

People don't suddenly grow claws. They've always been there, waiting to be wielded when necessary. And in SF, it looks like Elain's reached that point, where others are deciding her truth for her.

Sure, some fans are hoping for a Villain Elain, but it's ironic how we're demonized for standing up for ourselves or wanting to take up space. I think Elain's journey will be more about asserting herself and saying, "I need you to hear me."

But Nesta cut her off, seething at the pity about to be thrown her way. “Look who decided to grow claws after all,” she crooned. “Maybe you’ll become interesting at last, Elain.” Nesta saw the blow land, like a physical impact, in Elain’s face, her posture. No one spoke, though shadows gathered in the corners of the room, like snakes preparing to strike. Elain’s eyes brightened with pain. Something imploded in Nesta’s chest at that expression. She opened her mouth, as if it could somehow be undone. But Elain said, “I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And itcaptured me. And yet somehow all you think of is what my trauma did to you.” Nesta blinked, everything inside her hollowing out.

Azriel struggles with criticism—we've seen it time and time again. That's why I doubt Az and Elain could work out. Elain is starting to call people out, and Az tends to freeze up when confronted. If Elain were to challenge Azriel over his objections to her searching for the trove, would it lead to a productive conversation? Their conversations could easily turn icy, as we've seen with Feyre's orders to him as his High Lady.

But there's someone who handles criticism well—or at least, better than Az.

My nails dug into my palms hard enough to hurt, but I remained seated on the bedroll as I bared my teeth at him. “And that’s why you’re here. Not because it’s right and he’s always been wrong, but just so you can get what you think you’re owed.” “She is my mate and in my enemy’s hands—” “I’ve made no secret from the start that Elain is safe and cared for.” “And I’m supposed to believe you.” “Yes,” I hissed. “You are. Because if I believed for one moment that my sisters were in danger, no High Lord or king would have kept me from going to save them.” He just shook his head, the candlelight dancing over his hair. “You have the gall to question my priorities regarding Elain—yet what was your motive where I was concerned? Did you plan to spare me from your path of destruction because of any genuine friendship, or simply for fear of what it might do to her?” I didn’t answer. “Well? What was your grand plan for me before Ianthe interfered?”

Lucien faced Feyre's accusations head-on when they clashed over priorities. He didn't deflect; he engaged. He was ready to hash it out, even when Feyre wasn't. Lucien could have abandoned her, returned to Tamlin, but he stayed. There was no bargain between them, so he had a choice—and he chose to stand by her.

I'm eager to see a showdown between Elain and Lucien about their bond. How will Lucien react when Elain claims he's entitled to her? And how will Elain respond when Lucien says he's done all he can to stay out of her life?

It promises to be a cathartic conversation, especially now that Elain's been rejected twice—presumably because of their bond.

[misc-obeyme]

nightbringer lesson 43

Well okay. Some of that was to be expected. Other parts, though...

Listen I didn't hate it, but I have questions!! Then again, I always have questions. Spoilers below as always.

So Babel, huh?

I thought it was interesting that this basically confirms that demons can't go to the Celestial Realm. Not even Lord Diavolo could get that to happen. Babel is apparently kinda like Cocytus - technically part of the Celestial Realm, but not actually part of the Celestial Realm (whatever that means I swear this game is gonna be the death of me).

So instead of sending them to the CR, Diavolo was able to send them to Babel.

With Solomon as their guide! Even though he's never been there before! And he absconds shortly after arriving at the gate!

Then they gotta be judged because of course they do.

And who should show up but Michael himself, disguised as Raphael once again.

I can't decide how I feel about Michael. I mean, he's clearly a menace, but sometimes he's also just super benevolent and there is this heavy implication that he still cares about the bros? I can't figure him out.

I thought it was interesting that Lucifer said this when I chose the option saying I wanted to meet Michael. Tell us how you really feel, Luci.

Anyway, it's interesting to remember that Michael pretending to be Raphael in that hard lesson from season one was actually millennia ago. Like it might have been many thousands of years since Michael disguised himself as Raphael.

But it annoys me that he does it at all, tbh. I was like oh cool Raphael gets to be in this part! But NO.

I also kinda got the sense in the locked lesson that Diavolo and Barbatos like knew this was gonna happen and had planned for it all along? Like it really felt to me like Diavolo is running the SF just so he can grant wishes for the bros and make them do little tests as a family or whatever.

I dunno, I can't figure out the end game for all these shenanigans. I'm just really hoping it'll somehow lead to some kind of Nightbringer related reveal. 'Cause so far... I'm kinda bored?

But we did have some excellent lines and a few other things I thought were interesting, which I will get to.

Hard Mode: Once again we see the Lil Ds doing their thing, Diavolo being adorable with them, and at the end Luke & Simeon approach Nos 2 & 5! What could they want!?? Guess we gotta wait until next time.

Okay here are some interesting tidbits.

I love the implications of this. Asmo asks Satan how Solomon knows about Babel, which says that Asmo thinks Satan might know this fact about Solomon even though he, a demon who has a pact with said sorcerer, does not. Turns out Satan doesn't know, either. But LUCIFER clearly does. asdklfjfdkfj noooooo I didn't immediately go SOLOLUCI that wasn't something I did at all...

I will add here that I felt there were some hints of a Solomon and Michael friendship, though. Is it possible that Solomon left because he didn't want to see Michael? Did they have a falling out? Is this implying Michael is Nightbringer? (This last one seems unlikely but there it is.) Also I think a friendship between them could explain how Solomon knows about Babel to begin with.

I still think the friend that Solomon made when he was locked up as a child could have been Michael.

This whole part confused the junk out of me. Beel. My sweet baby boy. WHY. Why would any of you still love the CR!?!?! I don't understand this at all. It feels like they're trying to get us to think that the CR is a great place. But I've seen them as the enemy from the start?? You can't just switch it on us now. You can't pretend that Michael, a manipulative disguise wearer who [spoilers redacted] is somehow a good guy now? I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. But if he wasn't the one doing all that stuff, them SOMEONE in the CR was.

😭Barb why. I thought we were back in the time when you liked Solomon. I just want my wives to get along, is that too much to ask??

Speaking of my wives getting along... chowderhead is my new favorite insult lol. I love Mammon he always says what he's thinking and it's freakin adorable. Was I perhaps considering this in terms of solomams? NOOOOOO. But really what does it mean when a tsundere gives you a little insulting nickname like that? It means THEY LOVE YOU OF COURSE. Sorry okay I'm done.

Oh nothing, just Beel making it sound like he's actually done this before. I would pay money to see it.

This part made me laugh so hard. Like look how SAD they both look l;kasdjfjf. Diavolo's just like, sorry Dad... and Barbatos is like, you have done nothing wrong, my son, my favorite child.

ANYWAY.

I'm still holding out hope but so far this season has been somewhat underwhelming. I give it a solid meh.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[nekohime19]

Okay so here is the follow up of the MK x oc AITA story, this time it's from the oc POV (His name is Hua btw, it means flower, his mama named him like that cause she say he's as colorful as a bouquet of flowers).

Here is the first part from MK POV.

AITA for wanting to throw away my one-night’s stand jacket?

This is going to be quite a rant. But honestly I think I just need to talk about this cause wtf ?

So I (22M / spider demon) moved to a new city recently. I needed some fresh air and tbh I couldn't afford the rent in my last city. Plus, I always liked traveling and discovering new places. So I chose Megapolis. The rents there were quite low and there were many job opportunities. I always kinda struggled with finding jobs cause spider demons don't have the most welcoming faces, ya know? 😔 But I managed to get myself a job in Megapolis quite quickly (I work at a noodle shop owned by a boar guy, apparently we're rivals with a noodle shop owned by a pig guy across the street but, heh, I didn't remember the details 🤷.)

People did warn me that Megapolis was famous for being… dangerous. 😅

I didn't really listen. All the stories seemed pretty unbelievable. Like… Come on, Bull robots taking over the city? Spider apocalypse on new year ? Creepy mayor turning out to be a villain henchman? This sounded like a SF movie, 🤨.

Spoiler alert : people weren't kidding. ☠️

First day in my new flat and I see a demon LITERALLY crashing on my window and breaking it in half, 😬. I look at the dude like WTH??? and this guy had the audacity to shrug and go back to his fight like it's a goddamn normal Tuesday morning for him. Rude. I spent all the rest of the week trying to find someone who could fix that dang window! 😭.

After this, accidents just kept piling on top of eachother. Villains getting thrown into my flat during fights and walking out the door normally, only for me to see them again the next day at the shop I work at (it's hella awkward, what I'm supposed to do when I see the guy who broke my window casually ordering noodles???🙃 Like excuse me sir here is your noodles, also can I sue you?). Weird golden bird stealing slices of my peach pie each time I make one. I swear I tried everything to shoo that bird away but somehow it always comes back. It's like it KNOWS when I bring out the peaches 😭. And I swear to god the shadows in the theater are MOVING. I like theater and it's cheap in this city so I go there a lot but I swear the shadows are making faces at me! And when I try to get people to notice it somehow the shadows STOP MOVING! 😭😭. All the theater staff thinks I'm crazy. Also some people thought I was working for a Spider Queen or something cause I was a spider demon which… is kinda rude cause I'm pretty sure this Spider Queen gal is from the Theridiidae family of spiders and I'm from the Salticidae family, so we're very different.

Not all spiders are the same! 😑🙄

Needless to say, all this craziness wore me down a bit. But at the same time I didn’t want to move out. My boss is actually very nice, my landlord bakes cookies for me, prices here are affordable and most of all I got time for hobbies (like theater, parties and genuinely having fun. City is huge so there is a lot of stuff to do). People also said that I would eventually get used to the craziness and the only time I needed to really worry was if Pigsy's noodle was closed (which I'm pretty sure is my boss's rival in noodles or something).

So to take time to relax I decided to go to a party going on downtown. Things started well. I had fun, danced a bit and then maybeeee I ordered one too many drinks and got hammered. But, hey, my flat is like… a ten minute walk from the nightclub so, heh. 🤷. After that I remembered getting into a fight with a dude cause he was being a real piece of work and even though I'm usually not one to be so bold, alcohol makes me do stupid bold stuff like that.

I was pretty sure I could win that fight, or lose but with CLASS, but another dude stepped in to interrupt us. A kinda fluffy monkey dude (looked my age, we'll call him Fluff, cause really that's what I remember about him the most). Fluff ended up getting on my side buuut the bouncers, TYPICAL 🙄, sided with the jerk and threw me and Fluff out.

Both me and Fluff bounded over our common frustration of the situation and, well, I guess we went along? I don't remember much cause alcohol went brrrrrrr. But he was a nice guy. He made me feel nice at least. Maybe. That's kinda cheesy to say 🫣. Ignore that.

Soooo cause he looked really drunk and I didn't want him to drive or walk back to his flat (which seemed pretty far even if he insisted he could call his cloud or something?? I just assumed it was his car's name or just slang for taxies here 😅) I offered to take him to my flat.

One thing led to another and, yeah, we slept together.

I woke up with a hell of a headache 😭. One-night stands aren't really my thing but, hey, I got along well with Fluff so I thought we could smooth things over with a nice breakfast and maybe, hopefully, become friends?? So once I woke up and remembered where I was and what I did last night I turned towards Fluff to start a conversation, maybe crack a joke or something to ease the tension.

Fluff punched me in the face, grabbed his clothes and ran away, ☠️.

Dang, that monkey packs a mean lunch.

Did I do something wrong? Wtf??

So anyway after checking that Fluff didn't break my nose or my chelicerae I noticed he left his jacket behind. At first I wanted to throw away the damn thing! I was, I think understably, angry about that punch. But then I noticed it seemed quite expensive (like a limited edition expensive thing) and I felt a bit guilty.

I mean what if he comes looking back for it? That would be pretty awkward if I threw it away… 😭😬.

I'm still torn on what to do with that jacket.

So what do I do?

It would be a pretty asshol-y move to throw that jacket, right?

[buddydollysims2]

Bacterium Delirium!

Hi! I made some carpet recolors.

as it says on the tin, you get 52 recolors of the maxis "hotel" carpet. I say that in quotes because it doesn't call it that in-game, but it does in most of the internals when you're ripping textures to edit, SO: carpets that use this texture include the "Crimsonia" Carpet, "Fool's Gold" Carpet, "Piña Colada" Carpet, OverWear Carpet in "Chinchilla," "Grassy Knoll" Carpet, Yodel Lei Carpet in "Lichen," "Minty Fresh" Carpet, Royal Blue Carpet, and the "Tropical Paradise" Carpet.

you may be wondering where the name for this collection comes from... well, on the 3rd, I found out I had strep throat after two days of my right tonsil being swollen like a balloon, intense brainfog, and my whole body aching. it seems like I get a little bit delirious every time I get sick anymore, so in my delirium I did the only thing I knew could do with 2 functioning braincells: I recolored a carpet I've been meaning to for a while. I use the aforementioned Maxis carpets with this texture the most (it's my favorite♥), but there's no purple! (WTF, Maxis!?) so, I made sure to include a few. REMINDER:

♦ DOWNLOAD: [SFS] | [GDRIVE] ♦

previews and more info on what's inside below! ↓

I'm not gonna bore you with all the fine details of how I made these here (for that you can go to my dreamwidth), so have some fun little previews!

to show these off, I loaded up the Smith house, which uses THREE of the hotel carpets by default, iirc. replacing the "Fool's Gold" Carpet in the livingroom above, from top left to bottom right, we have: bacterium delirium muted -175°, bacterium delirium muted +45°, bacterium delirium vibrant +80°, and bacterium delirium vibrant -135°. I named them by how many degrees I rotated the hue because my head is way too foggy to try and think of 52 color names, and I felt it was appropriate for a sickly, feverish sort of theme.

replacing the Yodel Lei Carpet in "Lichen" in their little chess parlor, again from top left to bottom right, we have: bacterium delirium vibrant +40°, bacterium delirium vibrant -165°, bacterium delirium monochrome in "darkest grey" and "white." the monochromes may look a bit off from what their names describe depending on your screen. my laptop screen is very dim so the darkest grey looks pretty much black to me with just a hint of texture, and the white looks like a rather light grey, which I did on purpose because I didn't want it to be eye-searing, though I may rectify that with another round of recolors later.

lastly, here's a comparison of the hotel carpets in the game next to my bacterium delirium recolors. muted -165° is under "Crimsonia," vibrant +10° is under "Fool's Gold," vibrant +25° is under "Piña Colada," monochrome "lightest grey" is under "Chinchilla," muted +5° is under "Grassy Knoll," muted +45° is under "Lichen," vibrant +120° is under "Minty Fresh," muted +75° is under Royal Blue (which doesn't have quote marks around it in-game like the others for some reason), and vibrant +140° is under "Tropical Paradise." oh! and some of my faves on the bottom row there, which I think are great improvements to their original counterparts: that nice, true red is muted -140°, the better green is muted -20°, and that rich, deep blue is muted +100°.

also included in the .RAR is a collection file (that goes in your Collections folder, not your Downloads). the filename on that starts with bd_col; it should be right up top with a folder of all the bitmaps I made while choosing colors for this set, plus the original textures, so if there are any shades I missed that you think ought to be included, you can edit to your heart's content or import what's there!

TOU: you can do whatever you want with these since I used a Maxis texture. my only ask is that if you do use the extra bitmaps I didn't use, or if you just really like these and wanna show me what they look like in your game, @ me or grab my attention somehow so I can see and share your additions around too! Enjoy! – buddy♥

[ofbreathandflame-archive]

Personally, I dnt see Nesta abusing Feyre because of how vague their history in their past home was like. They seemed on v equal ground wit the way they argued and fought. Feyre calls Nesta a burden then Nesta retaliates. Nesta warns Feyre about the old hag and Feyre brings up their past fight from the other night. Nesta tries to save Feyre and Feyre realizes there is more to her sister than she thought.

They always were at odds with each other but their never seemed to be any serious power dynamic between them. Neither was afraid of the other and both saw themselves in the other. I honestly think they both have stuff to answer for from their days in the cottage.

In SF, the book even says that Feyre wasn’t perfect and that she made mistakes but their past doesn’t have to define their future. Again, we dnt know what those mistakes could have been since there is such vague exploration of their dynamic back then. But passages in the books like these make me see that it wasn’t abuse between them. It certainly wasn’t healthy but definetly not so one-sided as many antis make it out to be.

hi anon!!

my response is loooooong 😭

i do really want to talk about this. i think the set up in the cabin is very important to the foundation of the sisters' relationship, and because its left as this gaping hole that lacks nuance and logic, it muddles the characterization going forward. a court of silver flames runs into trouble for this reasons, hence why is said it employs the use of 'placeholder' plotlines. to start, as many have stated before me, the set-up in the cabin makes no sense. none. not even a little. that matters for a lot of reasons but specifically because we can't really argue the validity of any of the sister's actions when the worldbuilding around them has none to begin.

its very hard to apply a real system of continual power, abuse, and neglect, when the circumstances around such dynamic is vague and uncommitted. the story doesn't want to commit to the consequences, but it also doesn't want to establish a relationship between the sisters without placing feyre as the permanent victim. so - it created an absurd scenario that doesn't make any sense. what i am saying is - the story has to go wayyyy out of its way to make elain and nesta 'villains' - to the point that the plot can't even support it. like for example, the girls live together in the cabin without feyre hunting for about a good 3-4 years. that means: someone clothed them, someone fed them, someone cleaned, someone took care of them. someone picked up the slack and its wasn't feyre. we know that mama archeron dies when the girls are 8, 10, and 11 - and the shortly after that, they lose their wealth. so - the girls are maybe 11, 13, and 14. literal children. and again - someone had to be taking care of them, a dynamic existed before feyre went hunting, but somehow never gets brought up. if the story is committed to this story, why doesn't it highlight nesta/feyre/elain's relationship in the moments where feyre isn't hunting? what was their relationship like? what was feyre like? these are perfect moments to establish the relationship. even if the sisters were lazy - what would they be doing all day? how would they even sustain themselves on meat all year long? even if the sisters were evil sisters there's little motivation for them to even be like this. the sisters are only three years apart. literally. when feyre was 8, elain was 10, and nesta was 11. thats not a big enough age-gap to even sustain partially of what the story argues about why the sisters have a disconnect. nesta would have been a BABY when feyre and elain were born - where is the motivation? how do elain and nesta develop a faction when they would have been mere toddlers when feyre came into the picture???

either papa archeron isn't a deadbeat or some mysterious force clothed, bathed, fed, and took care of them. like even the circumstances behind papa archeron being a deadbeat make no sense??/

and then there's the added layer of the suppose abuse the grandmother and mother were doling out to nesta, elain, and feyre. nesta was physically abused, and feyre was neglected to hell and high water - there's a plot pont to exploit right there. if the story wants to commit to nesta being abusive, but also wants her to be sympathetic, validating where her anger comes from, while acknowledging how it negatively affected her relationships with her sisters would be the perfect way to go. playing into the mirror sacrifices these sisters (youngest and oldest) made towards one another would have been *chefs kiss*. but again - the story leaned way too moral to even attempt a conversation like this. its willing to forgive the tamlins, rhys's and cassians, but not the women in the story. the thing is - the story doesn't commit to real faults with feyre - and it doesn't do that with nesta or elain either. they are only a standard to compare feyre against. and that's why the story cannot commit to a basic conversation between the sisters - there's nothing that exists between the except the drama. nesta has to atone for mystery reasons bc the story has rewrote their dynamic too many times. sjm acknowledges that the sisters are caricatures at this point of the story, but she doesn't rewrite the first book to accommodate her switch is plot direction.

nesta can't really tell feyre 'why she treated her x way ' bc the story doesn't know why either. a reason doesn't exist. elains book will probably have the same issue, on an even broader scale bc it doesn't actually have a reason these sisters chose to stare at a wall for 24 hours out of the day. the reason elain 'chooses not to help' is even more flimsy than the reason it gave nesta. esp bc the story later establishes that elain isn't even supposed to be a bad person, she can actually be caring. shes also a gardener so it also makes no sense that she would...cringe away from feyre bc of dirt???? that part makes no sense. she literally refused gloves at some point bc she liked to use her hands. she does so in the same book. and i don't even like this character but its the truth, and its why i cannot adequately take what the story argues about the sister seriously. nothing about what it argues makes any logical sense. it for this story...yeah that matters.

so....its valid that people don't take those chapters seriously. they are actually written with unserious intent. like how can i be angry at the sisters when the story argues they were essentially staring into space for eight years??? argues that papa archeron with 10000000 connections couldn't just....use those connections like he literally did near the end of tar and war? that the sisters could live off wild meat for years and still be alive? that toddler nesta and baby elain annexed toddler feyre??? its an unserious situation here. like feyre would rather -- @ 11, 14 or whatever age the story chooses to argue -- would immediately turn to the deadly woods and not yknow...an actual job??? mmkay.

[pocketramblr]

For 5 ask game: an au where Izuku is a (still quirkless) child prodigy, thus is actually 12 upon receiving 0FA and entering UA

Smallish hiccup, he forgot to mention to All Might he skipped a few grades

1- Izuku has been testing up through school because he realized it's the only way to get a better deal out of there. He won't be moved to a different class away from his bullies, but if he skips a grade he can get a little distance, and more with a second, when he becomes more impressive to the school and classmates who aren't as familiar with his quirklessness. (They aren't nice to him by any means, but getting ignored is better than being exploded on the regular) It means he has to work very hard to study, prioritizing it above all else, and he's hoping to graduate middle school early and then spend a couple years just training for UA. Then, he meets All Might

2- look. They apparently didn't make All Might do any sort of certification or learning program before hiring him as a teacher. He's never taken a child development class! He has no idea how an 12 year old is different from a 14 year old. (PLENTY DIFFERENT BTW. Maybe not at appearance, kids grow differently, but def behavior.) So the fact that this kid skipped two grades is not obvious to him. And Izuku forgets to mention it! (Though his grades are slipping for focusing on training. Towards the end of the school year his teachers wonder if moving up two grades was too much for him, if he'll need to repeat the year. He doesn't, it's still fine.)

3- and then All Might talks about him taking the entrance exam this year, and Izuku just figures it's his plus ultra mindset! Or good strategy, he can test the quirk for a first time in a contained environment, and then have a year or two to just focus on training ofa before he can pass a test he's more familiar with. And uh. Then he gets in.

4- Izuku's muttering during the instructions is complained about by one student, but then a blond boy laughs and takes attention off him, before patting his leg and whispering that it's ok, he and his friend are nervous too. (Next to Mirio, Tamaki is practically curled up in fetal position about the two of them not being in the same arena.) Izuku somehow gets enough rescue points. Yay! He's in 1A, with Mirio and Yuyu, who about fall over when Izuku mentions his age. Which is better than All Might, who coughed up a lung when looking over the student files and seeing young Midoriya's age.

5- after the SF, Bakugou shows up at Izuku's house demanding to know what villain has taken that quirkless kid he slightly forgot about after he ran away to a different school's identity. And how dumb is that villain, to use the name and face of a kid who isn't old enough for ua. Izuku is like "I didn't move schools? I moved up a grade? Two actually? Did you just assume I did when I wasn't sitting behind you anymore and forget about me??" Bakugou would never admit to that so he just yells and then leaves, swearing he'll graduate middle school this year so he can get into UA early too and beat him. Izuku wishes him confused but genuine luck, then has his attention pulled away by Mirio calling to invite him to join he, Yuyu, and Tamaki for lunch as they bemoan their lackluster first SF performance and celebrate they can only go up from there. That makes it a bit awkward when Tamaki nervously invited Nejire, the SF winner along, who wasn't sure how to join the conversation until Mirio cracked a joke about Izuku's age, and then Nejire unleashed a torrent of questions and brightened up, cementing them as more of a group of friends who'd be sticking together a while.

[bookbitchx]

Hello again 😊 I knew i was gonna love chatting with u hehe

These are things that makes me wish anyone else would've written ACOTAR tbh. Her lack of planning and her retconning of characters so that she remains politically correct in current political climates is gross. It's been a pattern I've noticed, but it makes sense considering shes a zionist, but anyway 🥱

I do enjoy the world that she made and I think its an interesting concept to view a centuries old clusterfuck like the IC through a 20 yearold lense. But I wish it had a morsel of taste. Each of the books in this series left me wanting more, especially rereading as an adult.

So to compensate for the parts of the books I hate I just pretend its not upsetting me by psychoanalyzing the characters 😂 Rhys is one that I have a love/hate relationship with for that reason. He is genuinely one of the worst love interests ive seen be this popular in a long time and he has made the worst choices i have ever seen written and then defended by the author.

Feyre however, I would argue is his perfect partner for how awful he is after SF and CC3. But I wish a better author had written this book so we could've seen a decent redemption or a proper Rhysand villain arc. I think this series would've been so much more interesting crossover wise if it had been with tog and had been a mock feysand villain arc. Maeve has daemati powers, so making her an ancestor of Rhysand's through the HL bloodline would've made sense. Hybern could've been a mock villain to lure the reader into a false sense of security and think maybe the NC ARE good guys?

Nesta and Elain join Aelin's circle to take them down after they attempted to seize the dread trove for themselves under Amren's advice, (they dont like her having it clearly). And the emotional climax of the series is Feyre leaving him and joining her sisters, which leads Rhys to pull a tamlin by in turn going to koshei. Could even get Bryce quinlan in to fullfill a life debt to Nesta by using the horn and Feyre's fire powers to give Aelin her magic back somehow, and nesta never has her magic taken back by the cauldron?????? The cauldron had Amren in it and it should've been written that she had to sacrifice her true Daglan immortality to be with Varian. Boom full fucking circle.

But nope, we have Miss Maas.

thanks janet for ruining what couldve been my favorite thing >:^(

but a part of me hopes the Elucien book will include Tamlin's side of the story and Elain confronts Feysand for their *waves arms* everything. And taking Nesta and the Valkyries with them, they deserve better. it wont happen tho, so I'll read fanfic instead.

-🤠

Heyy again!

I get where you're coming from. I liked book 1, the way Feyre (and us, in a way) was discovering the SC and a little bit of Prythian as a whole, and I liked Feyre, who was this badass huntress, who had her own opinions, doing what needs to be done, etc... I mean, she went UTM knowing full well she wasn't coming out alive, but she still did it bc it was right, and she wanted to save her man.

Where THAT Feyre went, I'll never know.

As you said, It's an interesting concept seeing everything through a 20 year old's eyes, or it would've been for me if she hadn't started taking everything they said as truth.

Even though I haven't read any CC books yet, my friend spoiled CC3 that Nesta didn't actually lose her powers? That it was more of a bargain with the Couldron, but yeah, it would've been interesting to see crossovers between the series. I think Aelin, Manon, and maybe Lysandra would absolutely despise Rhysand. I would a 100% read a fic with what you described.

As for the Elucien book, like I hope she does good by Lucien because he, out of all the characters, deserves it.

I'm not holding my breath on Elain ever confronting Feysand bc as Rhysand once said, 'Elain is Elain', but a girl can hope.

Also, if Nesta and the valkyries ever become one of Rhysand's legions, I'm pulling a one woman riot before burning the book.

On another note, feel free to DM if you want to continue the conversation or if you're more comfortable this way, I don't mind that either.

🫰🏼

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

Star Trek Prodigy Season 2 Speculation

I just gotta move from the assumption that we're gonna see it somewhere somehow after the new year bc its too damn good to just be forgotten. Am still crossing my fingers for 3 seasons and a movie.

Spoilers and speculation related to the Season 2 First Look clip here. Things I am really hoping play out in season 2.

1. Long haired Janeway

This one I full on admit is just personal preference. I love when she has it in buns and twists and would look so distinguished with that grey streak through it. But also it'd be interesting if she looked more like Hologram Janeway. Theyre very different. HJ was built to mentor whereas Kathryns focus is going to be on her mission. In the opening clip the kids are expecting her and instead meet the Doctor. I am wondering then if she'll spend part of the season at a distance - grappling with some uncertainties (It would be interesting if she and Dal have that in common.)

2. An adult mentor for each Prodigy character.

It seems like the kids are pretty spread out across the starfleet divisions. Rok in Sciences, Zero in Medical (I think). Dal in Command, Jankom in Engineering. Murf presumably in security or following Rok around. So it'd be cool if each of them had a mentor in their division. Janeway & Dal seems like the main mentor relationship being established. Maybe Zero and the Doctor are another. Could we have Jankom working with B'Elanna? Is an older jaded future Gwen going to cause the civil war timeline and get to interact with Chakotay (maybe? maybeee? please please please). Who would we get mentoring Rok (I'd like it to be Janeway i mean she was a scientist first but could have a new character too. maybe the redhead science officer from supernova.)

3. Dal learning how to be Starfleet

In the First Look he seems to be the most hesitant about this opportunity. is he nervous to live up to Janeways expectations? has he had a bad time in SF so far? whats happened to him in the time between S1 and S2 finales (it seems like at least a little time has passed).

4. Where are the other Vah Nau Kat?

100 of them entered the wormhole and we've only seen 2 so thats 98 other potential antagonists? 👀👀👀 where'd they end up?

[acourtofthought]

I chuckle everytime I see art of Elain with the necklace she returned, the very thing and moment that defined the end to Elriel if you ask me. 😂😂

The cry canon without even bothering to acknowledge the actual canon laid out in the narrative.

How embarrassing for them.

Also, did we not read the same books because Elain is in the itty titty bitty committee, why are they giving her implants. 😫

Here's what I don't understand about E/riels obsession with the necklace.

1) Elain has been symbolized by roses a few times in the series, something they even like to comment on. So here we are in the bonus where the author writes Elain receiving a rose necklace THAT WHEN HELD TO THE LIGHT, it's truth depth becomes visible. If this is meant to be symbolic of Elain's destiny it does not look good for her staying in the Night Court.

2) She gave it back. That gesture showed her strength, her refusal to pine over another man who hurt her. It doesn't matter if Az wanted to hurt her, he did regardless and it's a direct contrast in how she handled Graysen's rejection. How is anyone romanticizing a gift she chose to return? That she decided she longer wanted? For all the arguments over respecting what Elain wants this very direct message from Elain is completely ignored by them.

3) It doesn't matter whether Gwyn gets the necklace or not because the necklace Az bought with Elain in mind? The thought of another female receiving it made him smile. Yet they STILL act like it's somehow romantic for e/riel. I don't recall Cassian giving away Nesta's gift and feeling happy over the thought of another women receiving, do you?

And yes! 😂😂😂

What people feel like commissioning in fanart is fine but these are the very same people who have repeatedly claimed Elucien's and Gwynriels are stealing Gwyn's body type.

Yet it's fine if they steal Mor or Nesta's body type for Elain? 😂

Elain in canon has slender hands, a fine boned back, delicate legs and small breasts, as she was described once they gained their wealth back but before she was depressed in ACOWAR.

My girl is petite and there's nothing wrong with that. Elain filling out in SF doesn't mean she became Marilyn Monroe, it simply means she's once again healthy as she was in book 2 after having gone through extreme weight loss in book 3.

[blindmagdalena]

Man, I pretty much try to pretend that Stormfront didn't exist bc GAWH I just HATE her. Buuuuuut she did somehow become more palatable to me when she got burned to a crisp. I know that sounds horrible but hear me out 😩

Although it's not really clear whether he actually cared about her, I'm still amazed by the fact that Homelander stayed by her side, loyal and pressumably faithful, all while knowing that she was never going to get better.

I mean, he was even trying to mantain some form of intimacy with her which, don't get me wrong, in practice was sooooo creepy and weird, but also. Really fucking wholesome if you thing about it.

Like I picture him trying to take care of her but failing miserably bc it's Homelander and he can't even take care of himself. Or lying with her and holding her while she dosses off not bc she's actually sleepy but bc her pain meds are finally kicking in. Him wanting to comfort her because she's literally lost everything, her powers, her body, her reputation, her mobility, but not knowing how. It's just 🥺

And then she just dies, leaving him all alone again, and eventually he realizes Stormfront died the moment Ryan struck her down, and he'd just been living with and loving what was essentially a corpse for an entire year, unable to let go.

It's just, the creepiest variation I've ever seen of the Dead Girlfriend trope and I love it. Not because I ship them, but because the possibilities for Man Pain are endless there.

i'm gonna post this because the thought you put into this is genuinely lovely, and i totally see what you're saying, but in the future i would appreciate not being sent any SF related meta/headcanons/etc.

i'm a traumatic amputee, and SF's incident is severely triggering for me. i'm pretty sensitive to medical trauma in general, and the whole incapacitation in a medical bed thing was profoundly disturbing for me.

i'm also deeply over the evil amputee stereotype in media, and the thought of her coming back as the nazi amputee trope (as some people have speculated may happen) makes me physically ill. anyways, as always i appreciate your thoughts! i'm just not able to contribute on this specific front (pun intended) 🖤

[bytchysylvy]

Oasis: 1, Latikam: 7, Casarin: 10, Hydrel: 18

(oasis) What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Approximately 10 minutes. This assumes "nothing" does not include keeping a watch out, navigation, watching to make sure casarin is paying attention, making snide comments and flipping off other pilots while on the ship. If he's being responsible she likes to go harass alex in the back. On land she's always wandering off on her own away from casarin either picking up essentials he's forgotten again or non essentials lol. She can also be found playing "lets throw bricks at susarikas" (he loves it) to pass the time.

If there's NOTHING to do, she's trapped just waiting, she'll usually pull something she uh found in the street (finders keepers) and carve into it with her knife. No this is mine, see its got my name on it and a little pony too, oh and on this side its got a snake eating a watermelon.

(latikam) What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

The thing with living for centuries is that at a certain point, everything and nothing causes nostalgic, its the experience of every vazuvyr. BUT latikam has lived through the occupation AND does not live in his homeland anymore, in a way he is a child who remembers past lives but cannot apply any of it to this one. The biggest trigger is that mokubat learned how to cook from vokutlvek, and while they have their different styles every now and then something lines up, he can taste his brothers work in his sons. Its... a lot. Thats the taste he's known through centuries of heartache and love and pain and joy and healing, yet for once he's not here for it. The person who's always been there to run to, lay his head on, and protected him isn't there this time. Somehow disorientating and grounding at the same time.

Seeing casarin and hydrel also remind him A LOT of vokutlvek and azrem. Their stupid little dramas, playing footsies at the table, shoving food into his mouth. Latikam said "I know what you are".

(casarin) What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

God why did you have pick THIS one for him how did you hone in on this choice. My man keeps repeatedly telling a very specific lie about how okay he is. "haunted" probably isnt the word Id pick exactly. During sf its less of the burden of knowing he lied and more of the fear of someone finding out the truth. And in act 2 when someone confronts him about it he doubles down on "everything is fine" until he's dragged kicking and screaming to the warm saucer of milk. At the end of his life he looks at those years and realizes how stupid he was for putting himself through it and not asking for help, especially now recognizing fjinmars and adaen saw the problem and wanted to help him but he never gave them the chance, but at this point he's too preoccupied by the good run they had and how thats going to be gone.

A specific instance he told this lie to his mother, who he never lies to because she is telepathic, clocked him immediately and he broke down about the whole thing. The thing that hurts him is that he doesnt know why he lied, mama never made him feel bad about this before, he just... felt guilty and embarrassed about all this. idk.

(hydrel) What embarrasses them?

The austisms. He's had people "just tease" him for his expressions and taking things literally and when he's last to the joke. Doesnt like to ask what people mean by things because that usually makes it worse. It's not obvious in the main script but its worth noticing how much differently he acts with his family vs with casarin. Weird. Sure its nothing. Also bringing up past incidents is the fastest way to get 🧑‍🤝‍🧑-- points with him, VERY embarrassed when he realized after the fact he overreacted or was rude when he didnt mean to be. Just let him learn and move on.

Also extremely embarrassed if you catch him farting lmao. How dare you accuse him of having a bodily function. I want a bestie divorce.

[itsthebethblogever]

A Bird on Her Journey to Self

If you want to know what I have been up to since graduating high school, here is your answer: I've been trying to figure out what I want to do in life, and having lots ups and downs in the process. Like everyone else. This was written with the intention to share my experiences in the hopes that others can relate/learn/laugh/benefit somehow. Ten years of life in one post. Thanks so much for reading, sending you love, enjoy! ♡

Chapter 1: The Bird Leaves the Nest

The laid back, coastal town of Ventura, California offers many wonderful benefits as a home town: perfect weather, spacious beaches, a county fair, farmers markets, and it's close enough to Los Angeles for a day trip but far away enough to not have big city problems like traffic or pollution. However, its small town vibes can sometimes feel like a suburban bubble of safety, so my curious spirit did not begin to fully emerge until I moved to San Francisco for college at the age of 18. From day one, I hit the ground running. As soon as my dad finished helping me unpack, I ran off with some new friends to the Haight Ashbury district with one goal in mind: get my nose pierced (something I was not allowed to do while living at home). That simple yet important milestone was a physical marker of my breaking away from the herd. Beginning to chart my own path. After a fiery freshman year full of firsts, I left SF to study abroad in Växjö, Sweden, full of confidence and a thirst for even more adventure.

I was 20. I had just begun to see the world. Inspired by living with international students who could all speak at least 2 languages, I set a goal to learn Spanish. The question was: How? I began researching ways to live in a Spanish speaking country and landed on the Peace Corps website. To qualify for a Spanish speaking country, I would need a minimum of 2 semesters of college level Spanish. Well, that would work out just fine! I still had another three more semesters at SF State before I could graduate, so when registration came around, I signed myself up for Spanish. Lovely! My post-college plan became: move to a Spanish speaking country and learn the language.

In my second semester of living in a Scandinavian story tale is when a sweet character by the name of David made his debut. We met during a student trip to Finnish Lapland, when one of our three buses broke down. Instead of having the seat next to me for myself for the long journey north, I had to give it up to make room for the other bus mates. Now, sitting next to me, was a tall, talkative Spaniard. So much for my desire to sleep. We introduced ourselves and he saw I was listening to Bon Iver - of course, this was my sleep playlist - and asked me if I had seen them in concert. Well, turns out we both had, and despite not being a chatty mood, my interest was sparked. We continued connecting and I quickly realized that the more time I spent with him, the more time I wanted to just keep spending more time with him. He charmed me with his music taste, social spirit, but most of all: his loving heart. The only problem was that he was from Terrassa, a city near Barcelona, Spain, which is quite far away from California.

But... it was a Spanish speaking country.

Meaning... that if I moved to Barcelona to be close to David instead of joining the Peace Corps, I would still be accomplishing my post-grad goals. It wasn’t just to pursue a relationship.

So, we went for it.

After a tortuous goodbye in Sweden (and then again in Denmark, as he missed his flight home due to a train strike and ended up staying the night with me and my family who had come to visit, lol), we did not know when we would see each other next. However, we made the decision to stay together. David and I maintained a long-distance relationship - San Francisco to Barcelona - during the year and a half it took me to finish my degree. We saw each other only twice during that span of time. Yeah, ouch. It was extremely hard to be apart for so long, but we were determined to find a way to be together.

As soon as I graduated, I wasted no time. January 2016, two weeks after receiving my degree, I hopped on a flight across the pond and moved into my new au pair family’s apartment in the Vila Olímpica neighborhood of Barcelona. My freshly earned degree in Child and Adolescent Development meant I was passionate about working with kids, so the role was right up my alley. At 22 years old, my new life as a part time mom and part time Spanish language student began. I would get my three trilingual children ready for school with some help from their parents, drop them off, and cycle over to the Escola Oficial d’Idiomes. Classes were four times a week with daily homework, my au pair parents spoke to me exclusively in Spanish, and on the weekends half of my friends spoke to me in Spanish as well.

After three trimesters at EOI over the course of a year and a healthy level of immersion, I passed an official exam and gained the Intermediate Spanish certification. I had done it - I had learned Spanish!

Well, mainly. It took me about another year to really start to feel like I could express my personality in Spanish.

Once I completed my au pair year, I moved in with David and two of his childhood friends (by then, also my close friends) in the Gràcia neighborhood of the city when I was 23. For about six months, I supported myself with a variety of English teaching gigs I had accumulated through connections made at my au pair kids’ schools as well as through other English teaching friends in the city.

Life was a thrill. I still could not believe I was finally living in the same country with David, much less the same room, I was proud that I was able to make enough money just through teaching private classes, I had the social and night life beyond my wildest dreams, and I was doing it all in a city overflowing with art and culture. I was thriving.

However, I could no longer extend my student visa, so I needed to find something else that would allow me to continue living legally in Spain.

So, I found something.

Via the recommendation of friends, I applied, interviewed, and was accepted as a language assistant through the Meddeas program. In the summer of 2017, I went home to California, visited family and friends, and got my new student visa processings done.

August 2017 initiated a new school year and a new chapter in my journey: teaching English to Spanish primary and secondary students while studying an online TEFL course at the Universitat Internacional de Catalunya.

In hindsight, this is where my journey began to stray from my center.

Teaching English had never been a professional dream of mine. It was something I could do, and I absolutely found joy in it; however, the fact that I was thrown into a job with just one real day of training and all of a sudden expected to lesson plan for 11 different classes caused me immense stress in the beginning. Over time it got easier, but there was always a part of me that knew if I could choose, I would be doing something different.

But, I did it.

Why?

Because it allowed me to continue living in Barcelona, a place that now felt like home. It allowed me to continue learning Spanish, which sparked so much fire and fascination in me. It allowed me to continue the flourishing relationships with my sweet partner and the community of friends and family I cherished so deeply.

So, I kept doing it.

After two years of working and studying through Meddeas, I had maxed out the amount of time I could be in the program. The question returned: How could I continue to legally live in Spain?

The answer: Domestic Partnership.

We lawyered up.

David and I were able to apply under the condition that we had been registered as living in the same household for over a year. Some hundreds and thousands of Euros later, I was granted 5 years of residency in Spain that included the right to work. Hallelujah. The end of long days trekking across the province to different official buildings, waiting decades for my little number to appear on a screen, indicating it was finally my turn even though my appointment time had long passed, and praying that the person who attended me would give me their stamp and signature that meant I could advance to the next round of the Red Tape Tango.

Even Jesus could not be saved from the messy misery that is the bureaucratic processes in Spain.

So, it would seem like having my residency settled would open the doors for me to explore more satisfying occupations, buuut it was not that easy.

I was in a foreign country. The primary language of instruction in public schools was Catalan. Even though I worked so hard to learn Spanish, I would still need to learn another language if I wanted to apply to any public school position.

Then, there was the issue of educational qualifications. Europe in general is quite strict with demanding you have the right papers for the right job, and even more so in Catalonia. In the Catalan province, you must have a masters degree to work with high schoolers, the age group that I really did love teaching English. However, getting a masters for a job that still did not ignite every inch of my soul was not something I was ready to sign up for. Plus, it was possible my US bachelor’s degree may not even qualify, and there was no way I was going to do another bachelor’s degree just for that.

At that moment, my two post grad goals had been accomplished: to live in a Spanish speaking country and learn Spanish, which felt great, but I did not have a plan for after that. I began to feel lost.

At the same time as I was going through a professional life crisis, my personal life situation was also undergoing a difficult transition. It was the summer of 2019. David and I were looking to move out of our shared apartment into our own place for the first time.

From the outside, everything seemed glittery and exciting. We had found a beautiful apartment in Gràcia mere footsteps away from our friends, I got my residency, and my unemployed status was not a huge financial stress thanks to David working in tech.

However, my live-in support system, aka my roommates, had been taken away. Moving in with my partner meant it was just us two. When there was any conflict, it no longer dissipated when one of our roomies came home. Our fights were affecting me more, being unemployed sucked, and felt like I had nobody to reach out to since everyone was working or vacationing. Many days, the summer sun was shining bright outside, but inside I felt darkness. For the first time in my life, I fell into a depression. These deep, ugly emotions inside me were new and I did not know how to deal with them. Instead of opening up about how I felt, I tried to keep my emotions hidden in the hopes that I could bounce back on my own without causing others to see this unhappy side of the usually bubbly, carefree Beth.

In the month of July, I found a gig as a camp counselor at an English language summer camp. The hours were long, it was physically and emotionally demanding, and the compensation was minimal. Working at a summer camp did have some fun perks, but overall it felt like I was resorting to a job that was great when I was 15, but not so much when I was 25. It did not feel like progress, so it did not help my mental health.

Once that finished, I began teaching English online to kids in China in the mornings through a US based company called VIP Kid. In the evenings, I got a part-time job teaching English to kids and adults at a language academy in the city.

More English teaching.

Still, not really my passion.

But, I did it.

Why?

I could not find any better options. I knew I did not want to teach English for the rest of my life, but the other jobs I was interested in, like in the special education/psychology field, I could not pursue due to language or bureaucratic barriers. I decided to accept my current job situation, knowing that it was temporary, and continue to look for other positions in the meantime.

But it was not easy. On top of this, my work schedule was now opposite to David’s. His 9-5 job meant that when he came home, I was at my second job. Limited time together further heightened my feelings of aloneness and caused stress for us both. We hardly saw each other during the week, and when we did, we were not at our best selves. This continued for some time, until finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I told David I wanted to break up in March 2020, shortly after my 26th birthday. Yet, it did not end then. It surprised David to know I was that unhappy, as I had been hiding most of my dark emotions in order to convince myself and others that I was okay. We decided we would start having more honest communication and work on our relationship, as we both hoped it could be saved.

Then, the timing of what happened next still makes me chuckle. The Universe heard us asking for more time together, and gave us…

Covid 19.

Yep, Barcelona’s lockdown happened literally days after we almost broke up.

Actually, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

We finally had time to be able to talk, connect, and make the best out of being confined 24/7 together. 

Since the language academy closed, it was easy to convert my online teaching gig to be my primary job, as my Chinese students were all at home too. I taught classes for about four hours a day and spent the rest… however I could. While David continued working, I would usually go up to our building’s rooftop. There, I began to rediscover some of my creative passions I had forgotten about. I bought a drawing pad, wrote poetry, and did lots of journaling.

After a long year locked down with plenty of time to reflect, I came to the difficult conclusion that it was time to end our 6 year relationship. Almost exactly a year later, I turned 27 in February 2021, and made the move.

Something I want to pause and touch on here are my thoughts on ending relationships. Later, when sharing the news to my friends and family, it became apparent that some people feel the need to see ugliness before a breakup. I got a lot of reactions like "What, really? But you seemed so happy!" Yes, we were. But that is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Personally, I feel like it shows how much I cared about David to never let us get to a point where we were outwardly unhappy. I recognized that my feelings had changed, and rather than repress them to the point where I might start to take it out on him, I made the responsible choice to end things amicably. Movies and pop culture dramatize breakups and show things like throwing their partner's belongings out the window, saying nasty things while screaming at each other, cheating out of spite, and the list goes on. It is sad that we don't have examples of two people who sit down together, have a meaningful conversation, and wish each other the best. Communication is an art that gets easier with practice. We should have as many role models and teachers as possible to help guide us towards the most loving way of relating.

Conscious communication practices are on the uprise, so if learning these essential life skills sounds interesting to you, feel free to contact me and I can help connect you to resources like Instagram accounts to follow, courses to take, etc.

And, unpause.

It was Lunar New Year and from the moment I woke up, I felt like electricity was surging through my body, my heart beat accelerated. It was my body telling me: now or never. I met with my best friend Pat who I made privy to my resolution, and together we developed a plan.

A day later, I sat down with David and had the Talk. I did my best to explain my decision in the most caring way, so for that, I came prepared with a notebook in case the words escaped me in the moment. I knew these were going to be the scenes that would replay in our minds and I wanted to foster the best possible conversations. It absolutely broke my heart but as I spoke my truth, my body felt lighter. We agreed that there would be no contact, to allow both of us to heal. As I did the "hurting", I would not be the one to initiate contact. If the day comes that David would like to speak to me, he could reach out. We did get together a second time a few days later to have another conversation where questions were asked and answered. At the end, we said a more official goodbye that ended in one of the world's saddest hugs. I let him know that I hope we can one day be friends, and I am still hopeful for that. It has been almost two years and we have not exchanged a word. I celebrate how well we have honored the boundaries we set and wish him the absolute best.

Six beautiful years of support, adventure, silliness, passion, growth, and love came to an end. Well, the love will always remain, just in a different container.

Before diving into all the logistics that come after a breakup, Pat invited me to stay the weekend with her family in her hometown. We went on a hike to the top of the Burriac Castle, where I really cried for the first time after the break up. Feeling safe and nurtured in her family's hands, I was able to journal my heart out, have an attentive ear to help me try to figure out what to do next, order pizza, and cry some more. I am forever grateful for all the help and love Pat gave me during my time of need. She is a true loyal Leo protector queen and I love and miss her dearly.

Then, it was back to reality.

I moved all my stuff out of our shared apartment and was temporarily crashing at a friend’s place while she was out of town. I hadn’t really thought about what came next, but it was obvious I needed a new place to live.

I went to see a room that seemed to check all the boxes: good lighting and internet for my online classes, in the same neighborhood so I’d still have all my friends and shops I was loyal to around me, but it was then when I realized - how can I start a new chapter of my life in the same city with the same job and the same limitations?

I cannot.

So, I didn’t.

I decided it was time to move back home.

In the span of two weeks, I packed up my five years of life into three boxes, two backpacks, one suitcase, and one duffel bag. The process of donating, gifting, and purging my material belongings was therapeutic. The process of saying goodbye to my community of friends that had become my family was heartbreaking.

Is heartbreaking.

But I had to do it.

Like a phoenix, I had to set fire to everything familiar so I could be reborn from the ashes. Just like that, I said adéu, t'estimo to the five year Barcelona chapter of my life.

Chapter 2: The Bird Returns to the Nest

On the flight to California, I realized I was not moving back home. Barcelona was my home. It had been four years since I had stepped foot on the West Coast, and I had no idea what I was going to do (as per usual).

March 1st, 2021. My first full day in Ventura, California in years. It was more clear than ever that I was basically a foreign person in my hometown, and I did not feel like I fit in. Immediately, I threw myself into researching any and all opportunities to leave the US. I applied to teach English in Korea and was rejected - maybe because of my tattoos? Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. Next, I applied for an English Teaching position in Costa Rica through the Peace Corps, thinking I could fulfill that post-graduation idea I had so many years ago. I got an interview and then after was politely explained that all of the programs are on pause due to Miss Rona and they would let me know once they reopened. Tampoco ain’t gonna do it. After that, I began throwing my resume at any and all English teaching positions at international schools in the Middle East, Southeast Asia, you name it… but nothing stuck.

Soon, I came to terms with that my intention to touch down in Ventura just to jet off again was not realistic. Covid meant that many borders were closed and programs on pause. So, when a recruiter contacted me on Linkedin for a job as a Support Counselor with Aspiranet, my eyes opened wide with interest at the job description. Behavioral coaching for youth clients in Ventura County? Required a bachelor’s degree in social work/psychology/child development? Increased pay for bilingual candidates? Experience working with high risk youth or special education preferred? The description seemed to be tailored for me. I felt the flame of inspiration ignite, so I applied and was offered the job. I absolutely loved it. Finally, I was back to doing something I was passionate about, and the experience I gained was just as rewarding as the difference I was making in my client’s lives.

Still, my goal to move abroad was clear, and I continued to search for ways to do so. I applied to volunteer as an English Director through a program in Brazil that also practiced eco-friendly living, organic farming, and environment conservation. Even though it was teaching English, I saw this as a beautiful way to also have the opportunity to learn about the other projects going on at the center that fascinated me. After an interview, I was offered the position!

…and got a DUI.

Just when I thought I finally found a plan that felt right, life smacked me in the face and said “think again”. My dreams were shattered.

Here is where I should maybe add a little context and do that adult thing called “take responsibility”. After so many years in a relationship, I was granting myself permission to be wild and free on the weekends. However, as a Scorpio Moon, Jupiter, and Pluto, I crave intensity and become obsessive in my search for taboo adventures. That manifested in a way where I was pushing boundaries of what was safe to their limit, too often. The Universe gave me plenty of opportunities to learn my lesson the easy way, granting me safe passage during many other instances where I drove under the influence. But, I did not listen, and continued on with my reckless behavior until finally I was forced to learn the hard way.

And it sucked.

Not only did I have to spend all the money I had saved on legal fees and fines, but I now had three months of programs I had to attend. My job as a Support Counselor was half spent driving around Ventura County visiting my clients, so I quickly decided that would not be worth the extra insurance and IDD device I’d need to install just to keep the job.

So now what?

Back to the drawing board.

Sigh.

After shedding many tears, therapy sessions, conversations with family and friends, and deep suffering, it hit me: A remote job. It would be the perfect compromise. Instead of quitting my job and using my savings to volunteer and travel, I would get a remote job so I could still travel and have the means to do so. Frantically, I began applying for anything and everything remote. Thanks to a family friend, I was referred and accepted as a Client Coordinator with Cerebral, an online mental health startup company. Well, weeks before beginning training, Cerebral said they no longer needed Client Coordinators (small heart attack) but if I was interested in being a Phone Coordinator, there was still a job for me. Uh, okay, as long as it was remote, I was willing to do pretty much anything. I accepted without much hesitation, though the idea of answering phones instead of emails did not thrill me.

 It would be my first customer service job, and as it was still related to my field of interest, I figured there would be value to seeing the business/insurance/billing side. As soon as I finished training, I packed up my life, again, and purchased a one-way ticket to Mexico City. Since I had visited the city before and already had friends there, it felt like somewhere I could start rebuilding the sense of community that I so yearned while also fulfilling my international desire.

So, I did it.

I will never forget the surge of emotions that overcame me the moment the plane lifted off the runway at LAX. The tears came pouring out before I even realized I was crying. Freedom. Independence. Finally, after a year of living at home, I felt like I was back in life’s driver’s seat.

Chapter 3: The Bird Gets Her Wings Back

At 4:39 am on April 3rd, 2022, two days after moving into an apartment in Juárez, Mexico City, I wrote this:

“I’m having so much fun being alive-

—and living and being here that I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t even want to close my eyes.

I’m too happy.

There’s too much I want to absorb.

Everything feels electric. I feel literally charged and hypervolted with energy. 

This. Is. My. Fucking PLACE!!!

Note to self: never again accept less than this. Or if you do, know it is temporary and I will always find a way back.”

Now 28 years old, the feeling of power I felt when I left Barcelona had finally returned. I could learn Mexican Spanish. I could walk to the market to buy my groceries. I could even do my court ordered programs, as they were through Zoom. But, most importantly, I could surround myself with people and experiences that would help guide me on my path.

Almost immediately, I became immersed in Mexico City’s spiritual community. After meeting lots of beautiful souls at an event hosted by the Open/Sex-Positive Community, I began running into the same people at other events, in the streets, at friend’s houses, etc. Also, there is a Whatsapp group for pretty much any interest you may have. For my US readers who may be unfamiliar with Whatsapp, the first thing you should know is that we are pretty much the only country who doesn't use it. Adding that to the list of things we do differently. All it is is a messaging app, but the big advantages of using that over iMessage or texting is that it just uses Internet. That being said, there is no polarizing "blue or green" texts to mess up a group chat, making it much more conducive to creating large group chats for as many as 1,000 users.

Just like that, Mexico City felt like home. My job became pretty easy once I got the hang of it, and because I worked smarter and not harder, I was able to enjoy life pretty much exactly how I wanted to. I was living my best life.

One night, while hanging out with my dear friend Bailey at her apartment, she remarked "Didn't you want to do a peyote ceremony? They're posting about one on the Hermanas Hermosas group". Hermanas Hermosas is a global feminine movement that has a Whatsapp group for pretty much every major city around the world and many others for smaller towns but with a spiritual community present. Some get so big that they have to separate into smaller topics as to not spam everyone in Mexico City with apartment ads if they aren't looking for an apartment. In this case, there was a post in the Hermanas Wellness group sharing that sure enough, a peyote ceremony was being led by two women up north in the very desert to which the plant is native.

I sprang into action, as it was Wednesday, and the trip left that very Friday morning. Thanks to the help of my friends, I was able to collect the necessary supplies for a night out in the desert under the stars, called in sick to work that Friday, and I was off to experience the healing powers of hikuri.

It would be wonderful to tell you that I had a powerful, life transformational experience sitting with this medicine; however, that Thursday before the ceremony, I got some awful stomach bug. That day, I could not keep down even water, and I toyed heavily with the idea of cancelling the trip. However, there was no way I was going to miss what I felt was an opportunity that did not come many times, so I came armed with anti-stomach-explodey pills and somehow got myself to the meeting point that Friday morning.

With the group, we went out into the desert with flashlights to find and harvest our cacti medicine. Then, we set up around a fire, prepared the plants, made a delicious tea full of medicinal herbs and more cacti, and prepared the ceremony. My intention was to ask for guidance on what is my purpose. After consuming the recommended dose, about half an hour, I had an euphoric beginning to the trip. Then, I felt called to lay down in my sleeping bag, so I listened to my body and got comfortable. I fell asleep for the majority of the night. Upon waking up, I was initially quite mad - I came all the way out to the desert and I didn't get to talk to the blue stag spirit of peyote? However, I do believe the message was that I needed to give myself time to rest. Living in a city as active and exciting as CDMX meant that most of my free time was spent out of the house, and that was probably not the way I would find clarity. Also, I learned the importance of not having any expectations.

Three months into Mexico City living, Australia announced they were finally re-opening their borders. To my family and I, that meant we could finally get the chance to visit my brother Jesse and sister-in-love Kiki (because “sister-in-law” just doesn’t fit) who had been living on the strictly locked down island since Covid began. This meant I could either keep paying rent while I was away in order to keep my apartment, or… an idea sprouted.

Instead of coming back to Mexico City, I could move out of my apartment, and start to travel Mexico when I got back. The city was feeling comfortable, which was lovely, but also a sign that it’s time to move on. I had developed a support network that gave me the confidence I needed to spread my wings.

It was decided. When I returned to Mexico from Australia in August, I flew back to CDMX for a short visit, then began my solo exploration of the country.

Chapter 4: The Bird Migrates Farther South

Now that I had nourished the soil and grown new roots, I was craving expansion towards the sun. The previous months’ themes were reestablishing confidence in myself, completing DUI obligations, and building up my savings again. Here is the part of my journey where I feel like my real growth starts. 

After months of hearing stories and recommendations, I decided I would start my nomadic chapter in the state of Oaxaca. First stop was Puerto Escondido, known as one of the best surf spots in the world and for its hippy party vibes. As I do not surf nor was in a partying mode, I did not fall head over heels for the town. The main areas were mostly filled with other international folk, which was a con for me, as I wanted to leave the bubble of Mexico City to get to know a more authentic side of Mexico.

As soon as I arrived in Puerto, I felt stressed to find friends. Company. Community. I knew a handful of people from CDMX who happened to be there at the same time, connected with some friends of friends, and met people on my own. Despite this, my social life was the area where I felt the most resistance. I was expecting the luck and speed I found people in Mexico City to be the same there. Well, that was not the case. And this frustrated me. Which forced me to take a step back and reflect - why did this cause me frustration? Was I putting too much value on spending time with others instead of just enjoying life?

…Ope.

Yep.

Out of discomfort came a lesson: I should be acting as my #1 source of company and entertainment. And, quality over quantity. This is a lesson I had begun to learn already when I moved back to Ventura, my mainly friend-less hometown; however, this time, it resonated on an even smaller scale: if I have to choose between doing something with an acquaintance vs. doing it alone, I would much rather be alone.

One night under an almost full moon, I decided I would lead my own healing ceremony instead of going out. I brought my crystals, candles, journal, and rapé upstairs to the rooftop of the house I was staying in, feeling quite proud of my fully equipped witchy starter pack. For those who don’t know, rapé (pronounced RAH-pay) is a type of plant medicine made mainly of tobacco. Usually, a pea sized amount of the powdered plant is blown into your nose through a pipe, either by yourself or another person. The first time I did a rapé ceremony was with my brother in Australia, who administered it to me. This would be just my second time using this plant medicine, and the first time from the nasal spray bottle Jesse and Kiki gifted to me.

Prepared with Kleenex and a trash can in case of possible purging, I shot a spray of medicinal tobacco into each of my nostrils and relaxed back into a hammock. The sensation started by feeling like the lights inside my brain suddenly surged on, and then a tingly wave washed down from the top of my body all the way down to my toes. It was very similar to the feeling of adrenaline, except more powerful and also quite dizzying. The mango I ate earlier was all of a sudden no longer welcome in my stomach.

About five to ten minutes passed where I felt nausea and ecstasy at the same time. The urge to yell and clear my throat arose, and I realized I should be using my Voice more, as what I have to say has value. Then, in this state of clarity and heightened awareness, an idea zapped into my mind - weekend retreats for girls. All around me there are retreats offered for adults focused on various spiritual offerings, but why not kids, too?

Whoa.

That was something to think about.

I took out my journal and began agreeing with all those Instagram posts that talk about how the greatest growth is done in solitude

I resolved to do this more often.

So, I gave gratitude to Puerto Escondido for its technicolor sunsets, dreamy beaches, and the ability to party barefoot or in Crocs and flew back to CDMX. There I met one of my best friends from Barcelona who was in Mexico traveling with his partner.

After keeping it relatively chill in terms of partying in Puerto, I was excited to let go in the city. Unfortunately, on our first night out, my phone and wallet were stolen out of my fanny pack.

Aaaarrggg!

WhHyyy, again, when I felt like I was in such a sweet groove, did I have to be punished?

I guess I had mOrE lEsSoNs iN rEsPoNsIbiLItY tO lEaRn, said with my hands on my hips, my mouth pursed, and my eyes glaring.

As any mature adult would.

Fortunately, my community jumped in right away to support me, with a temporary phone to borrow and money to lend. My mom and I worked relentlessly in attempts to get a new phone sent to me from the US before my flight back to Oaxaca, but Mexican customs said “jaja, na”.

So, off I went, back to the coast of Oaxaca, with my iPhone sequestered in CDMX customs, and a Kodak brand phone as my new travel buddy. My next destination: Mazunte, a town a little over an hour south of Puerto Escondido that boasts the title of being one of Mexico’s 132 “Pueblos Mágicos”. It became obvious very quickly that the town was indeed a magical one.

Chapter 5: The Bird Questions Her Reality

Even though I was in Mazunte for just two weeks, it felt like two decades. Some of the beaches there have black sand, due to underwater volcanic eruptions reaching the shore. This meant the sand was literally magnetic, an effect I felt made time pass slower and in a more relaxed way there than anywhere I’d ever traveled to. The town was the perfect size for me: there was one main road, unpaved, that led to the beach with some side streets, little shops, and cafes with palapa style roofs made of palm leaves. A mix of national and international humans exchanged real eye contact and smiles when passing each other on the street. There was a lot to smile about when living in a hippie paradise surrounded by lush, tropical foliage like coconut and banana trees.

In the midst of all this abundance is where the concept of “The Matrix” really entered my consciousness, thanks to conversations with many of the town's eclectic souls. Bear with me as I take a break from the narration of events to share the journey of how Mazunte really brought the red pill / blue pill metaphor to light.

Take my job as an example: Monday - Friday from 11am to 8pm, with the exception of an hour lunch break, I am expected to be in front of a laptop, aka plugged into The Matrix. The rest of the world basically ceases to exist as I listen to the concerns of people on the other line, pressing buttons that cause prescribers to order prescriptions, pharmacists to dispense medication, therapists to attend patients, banks to deposit refunds, etc etc. In this way, if you look at my job with a wide angle lens, I am altering the reality of people thousands of miles away with the sound of my voice and the touch of my fingers against the keyboard. Why? Multiple reasons. Mainly, because it’s my job, so I have been told that if I do so, I will get paid.

To counter, there is more motivation than just money for me in my role. I believe that we deliver services that really are helping people, and I also know that I spread as much love and light into every interaction possible. So, I hold onto the knowledge that I am planting seeds of positivity in the vulnerable hearts of humans seeking mental health services as another reason, apart from money, that I do my job.

Alright, then, now the big question - would I still do this job if I wasn’t paid?

Honestly, no. Or at least for a lot less hours a day.

Aha.

So, what would I like to do? What skills do I possess that I could offer the world if the Matrix ceased to exist?

Feel free to take a break here and join me in one of my daily existential crises.

In that magical town where nobody seems to know what day or time it is, I toyed heavily with the idea of indefinitely powering off my work laptop and surrendering fully to the fate of the Universe. I could teach English at the school there, or online, or something.

But that’s the problem.

I still didn’t have a goal or idea to motivate me enough to take a risk that big.

So, I didn’t take the red pill.

I did not feel ready.

My Kodak Moment, as I referred to my phone, greatly limited my ability to communicate and stay connected to loved ones. My iPhone was still collecting dust in Mexico City’s customs and I wanted my high tech cyborg brain back. Also, I had more travel plans ahead of me that required money, so a steady paycheck and an ever-increasing savings account would help me reach those dreams with ease. So, I continued with my blue pill work routine, choosing comfort over freedom from the Man.

But, with knowledge comes power. Mazunte changed me. I set a goal: Develop skills that would allow me more freedom in how I make a living. Rather than invest time in a company so it could make money, I wanted to invest time in me so I could support myself on my own. For one, I would need a new laptop, as we all know technology is a useful tool for learning and making connections. With that in mind, I decided it would be the easiest and cheapest to work on attaining technological autonomy back home in California. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I decided that would be a perfect time to go home and be surrounded by sweet, familial love as well as take advantage of the benefits of capitalism.

With some tangible goals set in place, the storm in my mind began to settle down. A compass and a map helps greatly in navigating the ever changing winds of life. However, the journey ahead still lacked clarity. I knew what tools I would search for while at my next port; however, there was still the unanswered question my whole crew was waiting on: Where are we going next?

Chapter 6: The Bird Continues Her Search

My course veered north towards the mountains, with a big chunk of my heart left behind in Mazunte. For the next two weeks, I explored the high elevation towns of San Jose del Pacifico and San Mateo del Rio Hondo. To me, San Jose’s nickname should be “Mushroom Disneyland'' due to the fact that the majority of travelers who go there are seeking to experience psychedelic mushrooms. The knowledge of this practice was originally brought to the town by María Sabina, the famous chamanic healer. With a view of endless mountain ridges, I sat in my room with the sacred medicine and asked for clarity as to what is my life’s purpose, but unfortunately did not get the answers I had hoped for. I did, however, eat some of the best mushroom soup and quesadillas ever, and marveled at the way the clouds gracefully changed form over the endless mountain peaks.

I wished I could change as gracefully as those clouds.

In San Mateo del Rio Hondo, I got to experience a non-touristy mountain town, just 30 minutes away from Mushroom Disneyland. The scenery was also stunning, and I could enjoy them from a cozy cabin that was half the price of what I paid in San Jose and double the amount of space. Also, for the first time in weeks, I could cook in my living space, as where I stayed in Mazunte and San Jose had no kitchens. I enjoyed playing house in my little cabin, buying freshly cooked beans and tortillas from a woman that sold them from her kitchen down the street, and worked outside on my balcony with a view.

Next up on the tour of Oaxaca state was Oaxaca de Juárez, aka Oaxaca city. My first question was: have you ever seen the word “Oaxaca” used 3 times in one sentence? Hehehe ok only joking. My first impression was that it was jarring coming to a city after being held so gently in small towns surrounded by nature. But, reliable Wifi and finally getting my iPhone back were welcome pros.

My intentions going into that leg of the trip were to consume so much mole that it would become my blood type as well as experience all the Día de los Muertos magic possible. It was time to have a break from my intense self reflection and relax a bit.

There was one other city resource I was eager to take advantage of - health clinics. I had decided I wanted to get my IUD removed, for a number of reasons. Since the age of 17, I had been on some form of hormonal birth control. Now, at 28, I was getting the feeling that maybe I wasn't able to find clarity due to being less connected to my body's natural rhythms. I had been learning about how a women's wisdom comes from our womb and I wanted to get in touch with mine. Initially, the lack of having a period excited me when I got my IUD inserted in March 2021 (when I moved back to the US); however, I actually missed my monthly reminder of my feminine power. Being around so many spiritual women who cherished and ritualized their moon cycle also animated my interest to do the same.

Another reason was that when talking to women my age and older, they shared with wild glints in their eyes about feeling their sex drives begin to increase. This is usually the case as we get into our 30's, but I was just not feeling it. I wanted that wild glint, too. And finally, in the simplest of ways, I was excited to return to a body that was 100% natural, for the sake of my own physical health.

In the first week of my stay in Oaxaca, I was connected with a goddess named Marluy I met through the Hermanas Hermosas Oaxaca Whatsapp group when asking for a hairdresser recommendation. During my haircut, I shared my thoughts with her about my IUD, she supported my idea to get it removed, and discussed her own journey. It was the final motivation I needed to schedule an appointment. The very next day, she accompanied me to a clinic where I bid farewell to my Mirena. She held my hand and brought me lentils and a mix of feminine herbs to make tea in case of cramps. What a blessing it was to be supported by a sister in my time of need.

To allow myself time to reconnect with my body, I decided to combine the removal of my IUD with the start of intentional celibacy. This would be quite the new journey for me, as I love casual physical connections, but I was interested in experimenting in something different. Again influenced by other women around me and a podcast episode, the idea of saving my intimacy for myself and only the highest level connection was empowering.

Later on in the month, I was grateful to reunite with my good friend Bailey, who had also decided to leave Mexico City to check out Oaxaca's famous Muertos celebrations. We agreed that Oaxaca’s food reputation lived up to the hype as we explored the wide array of restaurants together. Additionally, the nearby towns are full of natural and cultural allure, and I had a blast exploring it all.

Yet, despite trying to give myself a break, the feelings of frustration and being stuck remained. I was filled with the feeling that I wanted to move forward, like a constant push, but I was unsure of where to direct that energy.

On one of those days when I was feeling extra discouraged, I decided I had to do something to give myself a feeling of hope.

I opened up an application for a working holiday visa in Australia.

That’s how everyone solves their problems, right? Find a new country and make plans to go there? No? Hmm, can’t relate (hehehe).

Anyway, I was granted the visa two days after I sent in the application. This brought me immediate, immense relief, like I had finally found a trail marker after wandering aimlessly for weeks - “This Way: Australia”. A clear option I could use to get myself out of the rut I was in.

Getting the visa was not as entirely spontaneous as it may sound. Ever since learning about the working holiday visa in high school, I knew it was something I wanted to take advantage of before I turned 30, which was approaching. The plan became: explore the remaining regions of Mexico left on my list while continuing to work for Cerebral, then jet off across the globe to a country where the work conditions and pay seemed to be a much healthier balance than my current situation.

In the Land Down Unda, you can actually make a decent salary from just a part time job, a concept completely alien to your average United Statesarian. With more free time, I could take courses, have hobbies, and overall have more than just the weekend to explore my interests. That sounded like a great environment to continue my self discovery mission.

Hilariously enough, that very week, I received an email from the Peace Corps inviting me to serve in the Dominican Republic as a Spanish Secondary School Teacher. Remember back when I moved home from Barcelona, I had applied and interviewed? They stayed in touch by email, asking me once every couple of moons to see that if I wasn’t invited to serve in X country, would I be open to serve in Y, Z, etc country? Always wanting to keep my options open, I would reply “yes, I’ll go anywhere Spanish speaking”. After months of playing this game, it made me want to pull my hair out that I had finally achieved a goal that I worked towards, but at such the wrong time. They gave me just a weekend to make my decision, so even though I felt honored to have been offered this opportunity, it did not spark joy. I checked the “decline invitation” box, sent a thank you email, and moved on. Aaarggg.

On October 28, 2023, the kickoff event of the Día de los Muertos celebration was a free concert in the Plaza de la Danza. During a parade, I linked up with a big group of travelers from a Whatsapp group, and we excitedly walked alongside masked and painted people so gorgeously done up and making all of my Coco movie dreams come to life. Upon arrival at the plaza, we walked through the crowd to find a spot to watch the concert. I reached into my bag to take out my phone, and to my absolute rage, found it had been stolen.

Again.

Not even a month after I got it back from Mexican customs. Someone had cut a slit into the side of my fabric tote bag and taken it out without me feeling a thing.

Now a pro in getting my phone stolen, a kind friend I had made in the city and I went to the police station two days in a row, as I was determined to do everything possible to try to retrieve my expensive rectangular block. They took us to the location as shown on the Find My iPhone app, talked to the neighbors, but were unable to retrieve it. Not much of a surprise, but I had to try. At least this time I knew I would be home soon where I could use insurance to get a replacement. However, it drove me up the wall that the same thing had happened again so soon. Plus I found out I still had to pay a deductible for the insurance, causing me to have to dip into my Australia savings fund.

When are phones going to just be installed into our eyeballs? That should be thief-proof… right?

Anyway, I gave my best wishes that whoever took it was able to provide for themselves and/or family because of it, and that they may one day find a path that brings them self-sustaining financial wealth. The money I lost would come back to me ten fold.

Time to move on.

As I boarded the bus from Oaxaca city to Mexico City, the end of my Tour of Oaxaca State Life Chapter materialized before my eyes. Present turned into the past tense. My eyes welled with emotion and my heart felt so many feelings: amazement, sadness, pride… and gratitude. So much gratitude. August in Puerto Escondido and Mexico City, September in Mazunte and the Sierra Sur mountains, and October in Oaxaca de Juárez. What I was craving more than anything at that moment was family and community. Empowering as it is to depend fully on myself, life is all about balance, and I was ready to go home and let someone else take care of me.

Chapter 7: The Bird is Ready for Some Serious Nest Time

Before flying back to California, I spent a week in Mexico City reconnecting with my community. The process of reflecting upon my months of adventures and growth began as I caught up with beloved friends. Then, it was off to LAX to make it home in time for Thanksgiving. The Beth who was home in July vs the Beth who came home in November felt more centered, more confident, and closer to finding clarity… but still, not quite there.

Patience. I was doing my best to be patient with myself.

Meanwhile, I accepted all of the love and help of my incredible family.

It is a glorious gift to be able to have a safe and nurturing nest to be able to lay down my tired wings.

At home, I called on more than just my family to help guide me to clarity - I also reached out to a professional. Back in Mazunte, my cabin buddy had introduced me to the podcast As Above, So Below, hosted by Cato, a professional astrologer and business coach. I had been wanting to get a reading done for so long but hadn’t found the right person or moment. Once I finished listening to every podcast episode, I knew she was it. I booked the session for the day before Thanksgiving.

To nobody’s surprise, my biggest hope for the reading was to gain insight as to what I should do with my life. As Cato specializes in Evolutionary Astrology, that is one of the main offerings of this way of interpreting charts: to discover what is my soul’s blueprint and life purpose.

If I had to describe the session in three words, they would be Unlock, Recharge, and Inspire.

Hearing her describe my planets, houses, and transits affirmed ideas I had been toying around with as well as lit up new neural pathways. It was like the dark sky was suddenly filled with bright stars, all within touchable distance. Like the cosmos, they were there all along, I was just given the guidance to look up and identify them. After she articulated so many of my innate talents and interests, I felt like I had all the ingredients laid out in front of me. The only question remaining was: what recipe would I choose? (Yes I used two metaphors in one paragraph and yes I’m keeping them both. I’m an Aquarius sun and will rebel against all rules, and a stubborn Taurus rising who will find any excuse to talk about food. Hehehe)

Days after the reading, Cato reached out to me to let me know she was having a Black Friday sale on her upcoming Astrology Course offering. With hardly a second thought, I signed up. It felt perfectly in line with my goal to invest in myself and my passions, one of them having always been astrology. Since it was presented to me so easily in my path, my gut said go for it. TIme to start breaking patterns and doing something new! Excitement fluttered in my heart and fresh doors of opportunity began constructing themselves in my brain.

Other housekeeping items I got done at home was pressing the Reset button on my material belongings to reprogram for a new chapter. I had been lugging around a 50 pound suitcase, duffel bag, and backpack throughout Oaxaca and I was so ready to downsize. It was all too clear that I had been holding on to too much, making it difficult to move - physically, and metaphorically. This time, I mindfully stocked my backpacking backpack with clothes for both hot and cold weather, made the painful decision to leave behind my nail polish collection, and added my newly acquired travel yoga mat and iPad to the set up. Instead of carrying around my markers, colored pencils, crayons, drawing pad, and books, I decided that an iPad would fulfill my artistic desires when they arrived, act as a reader for any book I may want, and be a replacement for my work laptop when the time came to quit my job. The cherries on top were a Swiss army knife keychain and a headlamp, gifted to me by my dad. Never underestimate the value of either of those tools.

After two weeks at home, it was back to LAX . There is a special type of confidence inspired by the feeling of being prepared for anything with just the gear carried on your back. I decided to begin this leg of Mexico travels in a new way: previously, I had booked in advance all the places I stayed in. However, this time, I decided to try something different - stay in a hostel for the weekend and look for a place once I got there.

Why? (a question especially asked by my plan-loving parents)

I wanted to try trusting the Universe.

To do something different to then trigger new outcomes. I was trying to get unstuck, and that would not happen by doing things the same way.

Plus, seeing places in person is way different than online. An added bonus.

After taking the first day to get a lay of the land, do a free walking tour, and get added to a Whatsapp group for housing, my second day in San Cristóbal de las Casas had a clear goal: find a place to rent by the end of the day. That Sunday turned into a real life International House Hunters episode and I had a blast. I visited three apartments, made a little visual of their pros and cons, but in the end, I relied most on my intuition to guide me to make a decision.

Of the three, there was one that stood out. It was a suite style apartment in a compound with a garden and sixteen total units, the majority occupied by young, international humans. As an added bonus, across the street was a community center that hosted donation based dinners every Friday, organized in part by some of the neighbors in my apartment building. 

Community.

It came with a built-in community.

Now, wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing to be able to filter for in an apartment searching app?

Happy as a clam, I unpacked my things and began the nesting process. San Cristóbal de las Casas, or San Cris for short, is a Pueblo Mágico in the state of Chiapas, nestled 2,200 m (7,200 ft) up in the mountains. Just like my previous travels, trusted sources had recommended this town for reasons such as its abundant nature, indigenous cultural presence, and spiritual community presence.

In San Cris, I decided that my intention was to stay put. I had realized that as much as I love exploring, it is time consuming to make reservations, figure out buses, be in transit, get settled in a new place, etc etc. Instead, I wanted to use my free time to focus on my own projects.

Do less to do more.

Crisp, sunny days and chilly nights aligned beautifully with my intentions. Cold climates naturally bring out my more hermetic qualities, perfect for the introspection and focus for which I was yearning. Yet, the same frustration bubbled up.

What is my purpose? What am I doing? Where am I going?

Again, and again, and again, these heavy hitting questions flooded my brain, and I was still drowning. Yes, I had my ideas, but I felt like I needed to start making progress and I didn't know where to begin.

I needed fresh air. A new strategy.

A lightbulb clinked on in my brain: I should write about my journey.

Like a hike in the woods, if you realize you are lost, it is not recommended to keep moving forward. Instead, you should either stay where you are, or try to backtrack. Did I feel lost in the woods? Yes. So, maybe if I took the time to map out my past, I could get an idea of where I am now.

Now, isn’t it funny how the expression “we teach best what we most need to learn” is so spot on? I am passionate about mental health and work in the field, yet, I struggle to remember to use the very coping strategies I recommend.

Welp, better late than never.

So, I got to the mission. Every morning before work, I would get out my laptop and start writing. Instead of just journaling about this for my own sake, I decided that sharing my story could help others who might be feeling the same way. As children, we read books that help us learn to share, resolve conflicts, and be a better person. Where are the stories for young adults?

Always loving a good visual aid, the idea of a bird’s journey resonated as a way to structure the long tale I set out to tell.

And here we are now.

Chapter 8: What Happened Once the Bird Finally Stayed Still

Isolating myself during the week to focus on writing and work was easier knowing that on Friday night, I had a reliable plan: walk across the street to the Casa Lab community space for the weekly dinner. This completely erased the usual New Place routine of “how will I make friends? Where should I go? What if I don’t meet anyone and then I waste my time and money?” At Casa Lab, I already knew two of my neighbors would be there. I shared the invitation in the group chat with the rest of my apartment complex as well. And, since it was so close to my home, there was no need to worry about what time I finished work, how to get there, if I would be arriving late, etc, etc. All family style, all close to home, all inclusive. No resistance in sight.

There, I began making connections with people who all chose to eat family style over any other Friday night plan. This meant that we all valued community. With that already in common, I felt more confident that the people I met there were the type of people I wanted to be spending time around.

Just like that, San Cris felt like home. My new friends invited me to movies, dinners, day trips, and even a big family style Christmas (/Hanukkah, hehe) dinner. Even though I was feeling so happy with my community there and my experiment in staying static, months ago I had taken off the first week of January to allow myself to explore Guatemala. I had doubts about going, thinking maybe I should just stay in San Cris to do more writing, connecting, etc, but my gut said no - give yourself this vacation. Chase your dreams. Go be free.

There was also another reason why I wanted to get to know Guatemala: my maternal great grandfather is Guatemalan. Carlos Eduardo Lascoutx Campo was a pilot in the Guatemalan Air Force who planted his seed during a trip to California. My great grandmother, Claudia Rateaver, was not ready for the responsibility of being a mother and put their boy up for adoption. Claud Rateaver became James Dale Macomber upon adoption. My grandfather. After he found out he was adopted, he got in contact with his biological mother Claudia, and developed a passion to trace his biological family. With my grandmother and their four kids, they spent years traveling the world to research and document our family tree. Thanks to that, we have two published books that contain cataloged data of our family roots. No need to sign up for Ancestry.com for my mom’s side of the family!

Pretty incredible, huh? I am in awe of their work and so grateful for the time they took to connect with such long reaching branches of our family tree.

Getting back to the story, before the trip, I did some research as to where I wanted to go in Guatemala and what I wanted to do. I had heard about the overnight trip to the Acatenango Volcano, where you could see the active volcano Fuego erupting at night.

Lava. Real life lava.

My inner child overflowed with delight at the prospect, as little Beth was obsessed with dinosaurs and all types of natural disasters.

Then, someone I met at an Airbnb back in CDMX had told me that Lake Atitlán, the deepest lake in Central America, was a place people flocked to for New Years. Deciding it would be nice to ring in the New Years surrounded by nature, I booked a shuttle to Panajachel, one of the twelve towns that surround the lake.

And that was the end of my plans.

I booked nothing but the transportation there and decided to leave everything absolutely open for the eleven days I had off. To continue my exploration of surrendering to the Universe, I would rely on my intuition to guide me and flow with whatever felt right.

I believe that that was the key that unlocked a trip that gave me more than I could have ever imagined.

Chapter 9: The Bird Discovers a Magic Lake

On the journey to the lake, the people I made friends with in the bus were all going to the same place: the Cosmic Convergence Festival. I had heard of the festival and knew someone from San Cris was going, but it was pretty expensive, and I did not want to commit to anything in advance. However, one of my guiding principles is to be around people I want to be like, so judging from the fact that the people I seemed to vibe with the most on the bus were going to the festival, I decided it was a sign that that is where I should go, too.

Something fascinating I learned from a person I met on the bus, Cozcacuahutli (or Cozcatl for short) from Mexico, is that at the bottom of Lake Atitlán is a submerged Mayan village. Basically a Guatemalan Atlantis. Then, let’s not forget that the lake is bordered by not one, not two, but three volcanoes. That’s a lot of fiery, spiritual energy for one lake.

Upon arrival in Panajachel, Cozcatl and I put our belongings down in a room rented to us by a friend of his. Exhausted from the 13 hour journey across Mexico and Guatemala, we ate dinner, browsed the unbelievably creative and colorful textiles for sale, then called it an early night.

The next morning, we crossed paths with three other people headed to the festival, Joey, Daniella, and Michael. They invited us to join forces and charter a ride directly to Santiago, the town where the festival was held. As we sped across the choppy waters, I got my first daytime view of Lake Atitlán.

I was taken aback.

The three volcanoes seemed to have a humble, graceful presence, kind of like big dog energy: they were aware of their grand beauty and power, but did think themselves better than anyone because of it. As my mouth gaped open, Joey shared that he had manifested some of his greatest dreams at this lake. Zaps of electricity sparked inside me and I felt the magic energy of the lake light me up. Big things were coming, I could feel it.

Exhilarated by the brisk winds of the boat ride, we arrived in Santiago hungry for the next adventure. We parted ways with the three musketeers and bumped our way in a tuk tuk across cobblestones and dirt roads to the festival entrance. Cozcatl met up with some friends of his and after setting up the tent and painting our faces, I was eager to check out this new environment on my own. While walking around, a woman announced the beginning of a self defense workshop, so I took that as my opportunity to separate myself from the group. Immersing myself in all that the festival had to offer began.

At the workshop, I connected with a woman who had been given a big tent in the artist’s camping section to stay in, as she was going to step in and play drums for a band in need. She offered to share her tent with me, which I gratefully accepted, as Cozcatl’s tent would have been a little snug for two. Once my sleeping situation was settled, I was in need of some alone time, so I found a path to the water and took out my journal.

I closed my eyes and breathed, in and out deeply.

I felt the brisk air fill my lungs and after a few moments, reopened my eyes.

Somehow, I was at a music festival on a lake with a sunken ancient town at the bottom and volcanoes all around. I felt deep gratitude for the ability to be alive in such a special place and thanked myself for all the work I did to bring me there. It was December 30th, 2022 and time to set intentions for the New Year.

When pen hit the paper, the difference between writing my intentions for 2022 and for 2023 was clear: this time, I wrote detailed, specific goals. Instead of just “work hard on passion projects”, I specified that I wanted to write in my blog at least once every three months, host one storytelling event, etc. Manifesting my dreams using the magic of the lake inspired me, and I felt the beauty surrounding me seep into my every cell.

I soaked it up like a sponge.

I became as present as possible, consciously anchoring myself in that moment so I could later come back to that feeling whenever I may desire.

Inspired by the idea of using the lake’s mystical energy to manifest my own dreams, I decided to open up about some of the concepts I had been developing and see what it felt like to share them. With surprising speed, the Universe ushered people who mirrored my state of consciousness into my path: astrologers, female program leaders, community builders. When I shared my ideas with them, I was met with encouragement, praise, and offers to stay in touch. Co-creating with people who want to do the same things as me or are already doing them was an ingredient I had overlooked, and definitely now added to the recipe.

I also found that the more vocal I became about my intentions, the more energy of support I felt. People really listened to my ideas and gave me valuable feedback. Each new perspective was like shining a new light on an idea, so that little by little, the beginning embryonic stage of my dreams began to form recognizable shapes, colors, textures, movement, smells, and sounds. Clarity. It was all coming together.

In these moments, I began to understand why people use the phrase “to birth an idea”. My long period of preparation was necessary and natural, and now I was starting to feel the first thrilling kicks of life.

After the festival, I spent three nights in San Marcos la Laguna, another town on the lake. This was the most spiritual of them all and became sort of the after-party of the festival - in the drum circle, medicine songs type of way. Just minutes after disembarking the speed boat, I was walking up "Hippie Highway" - aka the main pedestrian path of the town - and was approached by a muscular, handsome Italian man, asking "Do you need a hostel?" It was love at first sight - with San Marcos, I mean. Immediately I was welcomed into a sweet hostel with a garden, outdoor kitchen, and a two story house equipped with plenty of comfy beds.

Exhausted after my nights of camping in the cold at the festival, I dropped anchor on one of the beds and connected to Wifi for the first time in days. Some long minutes of scrolling later, I heard the door open, and my Italian host Eduardo had caught another homeless fish from the stream. The fish's name was Dario, from Costa Rica, and somehow full of energy despite the fact that he had also attended the festival. He promptly asked me if I had eaten yet, which I hadn't, and informed me we could go together once he had a shower. Ah yes, those two basic needs I needed to accomplish. Saved by this cheerful angel, I lugged myself off the bed to feel hot water on my body for the first time since arriving in Guatemala and go off in search of sustenance with my new friend.

In our hostel with no name, Dario and I soon added Klas and Amanda, a couple from Sweden who had also been at Cosmic, to our happy family. It makes me laugh that I lived in Sweden for nine months but had to go all the way to Guatemala to actually make Swedish friends. Being around these kindhearted souls was like tying the bow on the festival experience. We cooked together, explored together, shared dreams together, and laughed together - lots and lots of laughing.

I bid them a temporary goodbye, because I still had one last thing I had to do: climb the Acatenango Volcano. Through a tour company in San Marcos, I was able to arrange transportation from the lake to Antigua, where I would link up with the group I'd do the hike with. My group turned out to just be myself and a Costa Rican couple, who were pleasant but not too talkative, and we were taken by a driver to our local guide's house. There, we met Jorge and his family, who provided us with a packed lunch, water, and walking sticks (I already had a headlamp, remember? Just had to point that out. Ok, back to the story). We were then whisked off to the base of the volcano to began the steep, uphill climb. Five hours of huffing, puffing, peeling layers on and off, a stop for lunch, and countless breaks later, we arrived to base camp on the side of the volcano. It was time for a nap. When night arrived, the temperature plummeted and the wind soared, but that is when the active volcano Fuego begins to erupt. About every half an hour to hour or so, if you are watching at the right moment, the volcano explodes and you can see lava trickle down in little vein-like rivers. Bucket list item completed: see lava in real life.

Throughout the night, it was exhilarating being awakened by the boom of wind from the eruption. The air would slam into the plastic walls of our camp and we could feel the ground shake. After the boom, the clashing sound of rocks sliding down its gravely body always followed. In a way, I was reminded of sleeping next to the ocean, except instead of waves, it was lava, rocks, and smoke causing the sounds. Definitely the most extreme camping experience I've ever had. That night, the winds were too strong to be able to safely attempt the optional nocturnal hike to Fuego. It was something I would have wanted to do; however, the freezing temperatures and the state of fatigue I was in also welcomed the opportunity to sleep instead.

In the morning, we awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. It is curious how Fuego's lava becomes shy during the day, emitting only clouds of black smoke. Once we finished breakfast, we all agreed we wanted to do the final optional hike to the top of Acatenango. Reaching the top of the 13,041 ft (3,976 m) summit was one of the most difficult physical experiences I have ever paid and willingly chosen to be put through (humans are so insane), but worth it. I mean, I can't say I climbed almost all the way to the top.

If 2023 started with me sleeping next to an active volcano and climbing to the top of an even higher dormant one, what will I be able to accomplish with the rest of the year? Achieving that will be my reminder that with a clear goal, proper preparation, endurance, and determination, I will be able to make more dreams come true. The only limit is my imagination.

Chapter 10: The Bird Prepares to Hatch Some Eggs

I had been pushing myself so hard to find answers, I had gotten stuck in my mind. When I dropped down into my heart and intuition, it was like everything shifted into place.

Once I paused to consider what I already knew how to do, I realized how many talents and how much experience I have. I had been allowing society’s conditioning messages that I needed to pursue a Master’s, or find a high paying position with ample benefits, or work extra hard to climb the corporate ladder as the only outlets to further my professional life. That was what was making me feel stuck. Perhaps in a previous generation, those were the options. A set in stone formula that rigidly demanded all people should evolve in the same way.

Well, all people are not the same.

When I allowed myself to imagine and dream big, that was where I finally found a path that lit up my insides.

Astrology.

Community building.

Working with teenage girls, their moms, and their grandmas in education and recreation.

Creating something.

Since what society presented to me did not resonate, I realized that I have to create my own path.

Duuuh, I’m an Aquarius Sun, Mars, and Venus. I can’t do anything like anyone else. I am here to innovate, rebel, and change the world - not follow anyone else’s rules.

So, now what?

Time to take action.

Day by day, I am going to take steps that will bring me closer to my goals.

January 18th, 2023 was the start of the Astrology Course that I signed up for back on Black Friday. By the end of this course, I will possess the astrological knowledge and business strategies to be able to become a professional astrologer.

That is my short term professional goal.

My long term professional goal came to me when I sat with rapé on the rooftop in Puerto Escondido. The initial seed that sprouted was a general idea: I wanted to create some kind of outside of school, wellness retreat-style program for girls. Since that initial bloom, the vines have been slowly and steadily creeping throughout my body, forming more and more connections until I now have a living, breathing goal rooted deep within me.

I want to create a program for teenage girls to come together, form sisterhood, learn about essential life topics not taught in school, combine generations, and have fun while doing it. There is such a need for more spaces for girls and women to connect, everywhere in the world, so we can share knowledge, support each other through our highs and our lows, and create community - for all, without sports, politics, religion, culture, etc being at the center.

Creating this program would use every single one of my talents and experiences to form something that I see that our world lacks. At the end of this post, I’ll share more about this, for anyone interested.

Excitement buzzes through my body just to talk about it.

And there you have it.

My life journey over the past 10 years.

What it’s taken for me to finally find clarity. For the first time ever, I feel like I know who I am and my purpose in life. (At this moment, at least)

And it’s only just beginning.

In astrology, there is an important transit called a Saturn return, which usually takes place between the ages of 27 and 30, caused by Saturn returning to the same position it was when you were born. During this time, you will be forced to face the areas of your life that you may have previously ignored, as Saturn represents topics like maturity, hard work, accountability, and adulthood. The opportunity is to get serious about what your legacy is and take responsibility, or resist and continue playing it small. If you choose the latter option, when your Saturn return comes around a second time 30 years later, you will have the same problems to face.

Well, I am fully immersed in my Saturn return and am choosing to embrace it. I have suffered from being constantly wrought with thoughts of “Am I doing what I’m really supposed to be doing?” and answering no, time and time again. However, growth is uncomfortable, so out of this discomfort I am now finally feeling like I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am ready to make the changes in my life to close the first chapter and welcome in a beautiful transformation into adulthood. I am thrilled with the possibilities that await me and am committed to working hard to achieve them. A message I received at the magical lake in Guatemala was that there is no time to play small. We must dream big, as the universe is counting on each and every one of us to do what we can to restore love and light into the world. I am taking that energy into 2023 and sharing my intentions so that I will be held accountable.

My hope is that by sharing my journey, others may resonate and gain comfort in knowing they are not alone in feeling lost, or ready for a big change. We must rise together to create the New World of our dreams. It is possible, but only through a collective shift. And that is happening.

So, that is what I’ve been doing :-)

♡ The End ♡ 

More About my Program Idea and Inspiration

Ever since my first job as a Camp Counselor at my temple’s summer camp, I've been searching for ways to make that position last throughout the year. Hence the reason I chose to study the Youth Work and Out of School Time concentration in my Child and Adolescent Development degree, as I knew I wanted to do something with kids, just not in school.

After years of working different jobs with children, I was feeling unbalanced, as I also had many other passions that tugged at my heart. I would love to study art, or nutrition, or plants, or yoga, or tour guiding, or therapy. The idea of picking just one stressed me out.

So… why not combine them all?

The solution: a program focused on girls and women to come together, form community, and empower the feminine uprising currently occurring on our planet. And make it fun, of course.

I want to take the best parts of the activities I grew up with that helped shape me, as well as what I have learned as an adult that I wish I knew as a kid.

One inspiration comes from the YMCA program I did growing up called Adventure Guides (previously Indian Guides, before PC culture emerged), similar to Girl/Boy Scouts. I was in a father daughter “tribe” that would meet once a month at a different member’s house to do arts and crafts, eat snacks, and always ended with a ritual that for each life event passed, we would receive a specific colored bead to add onto our necklace. Additionally, twice a year, all of the Adventure Guides tribes would gather for a weekend camping trip. Everyone would bring supplies not only for themselves, but also to contribute to communal meals, and of course prepare a skit to be presented around the fire on the last night of the weekend. All of this, in hindsight, was teaching me how to camp, survival skills, and intergenerational, communal living.

Another huge inspiration comes from my Jewish upbringing. I have so much gratitude for being raised in the Jewish community it’s hard to know where to begin. Despite what may come to mind when imagining an organized religion, Temple Beth Torah’s influence taught me to be open minded, humanitarian, spiritual, culturally aware, and outspoken. In the Torah, we are commanded to do “mitzvot”, or good deeds - not to get into Heaven or avoid Hell (Jews don’t have either of these beliefs); rather, just because it is the right thing to do. If you combine that with our long (and continued) history of persecution, this produces a person who really honors the value of helping others, no matter their background. Highlights from my Jewish education include social action projects, guided meditations during youth led services, organizing overnight raves in our temple for other Southern California Jewish high school youth groups to attend (yes, you read that right), and sweaty song sessions where we would belt our hearts out to “Wonderwall” accompanied by a throng of acoustic guitar wielding teenagers (looking back, some of the songs we sang were medicine songs that I continue to hear around healing ceremony fires). And, coincidentally, the Jewish high school youth group organization I was a part of, NFTY, also gave beads to add to your necklace for each event attended. Very tribal to use a decorative, visual system to determine someone’s status in life.

So, the dream is to form an intergenerational community and invite teachers of different disciplines to share their knowledge about subjects not commonly covered in the educational system. This is what I mean by the things that I wish I had learned when I was younger. My hope would be that early exposure to a wide variety of topics could lead to something sparking the interest of the participants, later turning into a roaring flame of passion and leadership.

PS - if you know someone doing something like this, have an idea, or want to somehow contribute, please message me! Co-creation is the best kind of creation ♡

Afterword

It has been a grounding and humbling experience converting my journey to words. This began as an exercise for myself to figure out what I’m doing. Thanks to my therapist pointing out that I am a visual learner, she suggested I draw or write out my life path, then add branches of ideas of where I could see it going. This is my interpretation of that suggestion, and wow am I proud of the hard work I put into it. I had been feeling like nobody really knows what I’ve been up to, seeing as I’m constantly moving around and interacting with new people that just know bits of my story. Then, I also realized, I don’t even fully know what I’ve been doing, as I haven’t given myself much time to stop, reflect, and think about how I want to move forward.

By pulling out the internal threads and weaving them into an external piece, I finally can put the finished work on the table and say “Look! This is me”. Now that I’ve made sense of my past and validated my experiences, I feel confident in charting the next course. I know where I’ve been and now I know where I want to go.

As a final anecdote, I was fortunate enough to experience the powerful Bufo medicine in a healing ceremony recently. When I returned to my body, I walked away from the group to give myself space, and immediately my eyes were drawn to a nest in a tree. Immediately, I thought about this story and felt grateful that the universe gave me such a clear sign. Synchronicity is so beautiful.

To conclude, I would love for anyone to reach out about anything this post might have stirred up inside you. Maybe you resonate with something, have questions, or share a common goal - whatever it may be, send me a message.

Thank you so much for reading and witnessing me on my journey. I love and appreciate you.

♡♡♡