#this man has barely thought about himself for YEARS. it's all been for his team/family & the universe

[moonlitwitchdaisy]

a little note: this was one of the most enjoyable headcanons i've written. if gege can't give toji a happy ending, then we will! hehe, i hope you like it! normally, sukuna was next on the list, but since i've already mentioned toji’s best friend, it wouldn’t feel right to not write about him next. so, up next is ufc’s bloody monster shiu ;) watching shiu fight, all sweaty in the ring, is probably everyone’s dream here, don’t you think?

.ᐟ check Champions League's Masterlist to meet the other champions

.ᐟ check out his bestie ufc's bloody monster!shiu headcanons

nfl’s dirty player!toji who earned his nickname for his ruthless and rule-breaking style of play.

nfl’s dirty player!toji who is considered the greatest tight end of all time. This man was practically built to dominate this position with his size, strength, and speed.

nfl’s dirty player!toji who, despite his dirty plays, loves being called “The Bulldozer,” especially when it comes from his female fans. He enjoys knowing how manly they think he is.

nfl’s dirty player!toji who constantly mocks MLB’s best player, Gojo, in interviews because Toji has way more thirst-trap edits. “Oh, you’re talking about that scrawny guy? Of course they’re going to make more edits of a real man like me.”

nfl’s dirty player!toji who posted a photo with Stephen Curry after a basketball game (the second post on his barely-used Instagram) with the caption, “After f*cking Suguru Geto :)” and gained a million likes in under 20 minutes. (Not to mention, he absolutely despises the NBA star Geto.)

nfl’s dirty player!toji whose only trusted friend is his best buddy, the famous former boxer Shiu Kong.

nfl’s dirty player!toji who grew up in a terrible household where his family despised him.

nfl’s dirty player!toji who got the scar near his lip during a violent fight with his brother.

nfl’s dirty player!toji who hates that scar because it reminds him of the disgusting family that never loved him.

nfl's dirty player!single dad!toji whose jersey number is 22 (the day his son was born).

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who, despite wanting to spend time with his son, reluctantly agrees to hire a babysitter because of his demanding job.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who is extremely picky about babysitters and has already rejected over 100 candidates.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji whose eyes widen in shock when he sees your name among the applicants—what the hell is the coach’s precious, ten-years-younger daughter doing here?

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who calls you for an interview, pretending he doesn’t know you’re the coach’s daughter. He’s stunned when you greet him casually (as if the man standing in front of you wasn’t a player on the team your father coaches.) and somehow manage to bond with his grumpy son, Megumi, in a way he never thought possible.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who growls in displeasure when he learns you’ve been secretly saving money from your dad to move abroad. But when you promise to keep everything confidential if he hires you, he reluctantly agrees—Megumi’s already won over by you.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who comes home exhausted from practice, seeking silence and peace, only to find you in the kitchen with Megumi, decorating cupcakes and singing loudly. He grits his teeth in frustration and retreats to his room, though he secretly marvels at how his son, who rarely cares about anyone, listens to you intently.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who ends up eating those cupcakes late at night and, despite himself, admits they’re the best he’s ever had.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who rolls his eyes when Megumi talks about how beautiful, fun, and silly you are, even though he thinks the same things himself.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who secretly feels happy when you invite him to your park day with Megumi. He acts disinterested but can’t help smiling when he sees you and Megumi playing football on the grass. He eventually joins your game just to make you lose (not because he’s eager to play with you or anything, of course).

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who carries a sleeping Megumi home after the park and, when you say you should leave, grabs your wrist, pulling you closer to invite you to stay for a drink.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who sits on the couch in his massive living room, hesitant to start a conversation with you. When he finally manages to say, “Thank you,” and you respond with a warm smile, his heart pounds so hard it feels like it might burst out of his chest. This is not a good sign—he’s starting to fall for the one person he absolutely shouldn’t.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who drops everything during practice when he gets a call from Megumi’s preschool saying his son was in a fight.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who is relieved to find that Megumi wasn’t hurt but becomes enraged when he learns the fight started because another child called him a motherless bastard.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who calls you at Megumi’s request. When you show up 10 minutes later to comfort his upset son, all his anger dissipates. Even though he had explained part of the fight over the phone, seeing the worried and frustrated expression on your face makes him realize he chose the right person for this job. His heart knows it.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who grumbles when Megumi asks if you can sleep with him for the night but eventually agrees when you and Megumi give him those sad, pleading looks. He’s surprised to see you upset and can’t help but wonder if you might have some feelings for him.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who watches both his son and you sleep that night. His fingers lightly brush your cheek, and he curses himself, knowing someone as broken and ugly as him could never be loved by you.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who is stunned the next day when he goes to pick up his son from school and the boy Megumi fought with nervously apologizes, claiming he met Megumi’s mom.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who can’t sleep that night, replaying the boy’s words because his son didn’t have a mother. She left them. Instead of calling Shiu, he calls you in the middle of the night and, after hesitating, tells you everything that happened today.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who is shocked when you admit that after dropping Megumi off at school that morning, you confronted the boy (or rather, likely threatened him) and told him to stay away from Megumi. You also made it clear that he owed both Megumi and him an apology and told him to stop talking nonsense by saying you were Megumi’s mother. There’s a brief silence on the line after that. When Toji finally speaks, it’s only to say, “Don’t ever lie like that again,” before hanging up. That night, he decides he needs to drink until he forgets everything.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who, no matter how much he drinks, can never get what happened or what was said out of his mind.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who shows up at your apartment the next day after dropping Megumi off with Shiu. He storms in without waiting for an invitation, frustrated and angry.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who, with anger in his voice, tells you that getting so close to him and Megumi wasn’t a good idea, that you haven’t considered the heartbreak you’ll leave behind when you move abroad, and how unfair it is that you’ve made them love you so deeply. But the moment he sees tears streaming down your face, he realizes he’s completely ruined everything.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who, feels the sting of every punch you land on his chest in response to his words.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who, after hearing you say, “Don’t you understand, you idiot? I can’t leave you. I can’t be happy for even a single second without seeing you and Megumi. Ever since you let me into your little world, I’ve never wanted to leave. I-I don’t want to be without you, Toji. I want to be part of your small, beautiful family,” doesn’t hesitate for even a moment before crashing his lips onto yours. As he pulls back to catch his breath, he leans close to your ear and whispers, “I don’t think we could ever let you go, love. You’ve already become part of that small, beautiful family you wanted so much.” Then, he kisses you again, deeper this time.

nfl’s dirty player!single dad!toji who lies in your too-small bed, watching you sleep, realizing he’s the luckiest man alive.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf boyfriend!toji who, during practice, confessed to his coach (and future father-in-law) that he was in love with his daughter and that you had been looking after his child for a long time, only to get beaten to a pulp right then and there. He didn’t regret a single second of it.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf boyfriend!toji who, after practice, walked into the house with your father, battered and bruised, only to find you and Megumi waiting inside. When your father demanded you say it was all a joke, you simply replied, “I’m in love with the man whose face you just wrecked.” That earned Toji another punch from your father, but when your father saw the tears streaming down your face and realized how much you cared, he swore that if Toji ever hurt you, he’d kill him—no matter if he was the best player on the team.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf boyfriend!toji who, while cleaning his wounds, noticed your puffy, tear-swollen eyes. His lips curled into a smirk as he was about to tease you, but before he could, his son asked, “Are you guys dating?” Unsure of how to respond, he finally blurted out, “Yeah. I’m dating your mom, kid.”

nfl’s dirty player!dilf boyfriend!toji who, for the first time, trusts someone other than his best friend—his future wife, you.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf boyfriend!toji who, every time you kiss the scar on his lip that he hates—the one that reminds him of his horrible family—can’t help but wonder what he did to deserve someone like you.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf boyfriend!toji who, at every game, watches you and Megumi cheering from the front row and silently vows never to lose—on the field or in life.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf husband!toji who finally made you officially Megumi’s mother and his wife.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf husband!toji who posts the third photo on his Instagram, and it’s a picture from your wedding with you and Megumi.

nfl’s dirty player!dilf husband!toji who, during your first family vacation at the end of the season, watches you and Megumi playing in the ocean and realizes he’s no longer haunted by his past. All he sees now is the perfect family he’s built.

all rights belong to the @moonlitwitchdaisy do not copy, reproduce, or translate my work.

toji art by @sso_s_

divider by @cafekitsune

[pucksandpower]

Thawed

Kimi Räikkönen x sunshine!Reader

Summary: the many times throughout the years that only the warmth of his wife could thaw the Iceman

“He’s just so … cold,” your aunt comments, wrinkling her nose at Kimi’s back as he heads to the bar. It’s the first time you’ve brought him to a family event.

You bristle, prepared to defend your new boyfriend. “He’s not cold once you get to know him. He’s just a private person.”

Your aunt sniffs. “Still, he barely said two words all night. And that nickname — the Iceman! I don’t like it.”

You straighten your spine. “Well I do. His thoughtfulness and loyalty outweigh any lack of words.”

As you speak, you feel your doubts about mismatched personalities fade. Opposites attract for a reason.

Your aunt looks unconvinced, but you pay her no mind. You’re falling for the quiet Finn with a heart of gold. And you won’t let anyone’s disapproval chill that flame.

When Kimi returns, you lean up and kiss his cheek fondly. He looks pleasantly surprised. Let them judge. You see the real man inside.

***

“Smash it! Smash it!” The rowdy groomsman chants as you and Kimi cut into your wedding cake.

Other guests take up the chant, clamoring for Kimi to shove cake in your face per tradition. But you had quietly asked him not to — you don’t want frosting up your nose and ruining your makeup on your wedding day.

Kimi’s eyes meet yours, a silent question. You give a slight shake of your head. His expression hardens with resolve.

In one smooth motion, he whirls and smashes the slice of cake directly into the rowdy groomsman’s face. Icing splatters everywhere. The room goes silent.

“Here you go, since you seem to want the cake smashed so bad,” Kimi says coldly.

The groomsman splutters in shock. You have to hide your smile behind your hand.

Kimi winks at you as he licks icing off his fingers. “Now, where were we?”

Heart swelling, you lean in to kiss your wonderful, cake-covered husband. No one gets in the way of your wishes on your wedding day.

***

The paddock is bustling with activity as you make your way through the crowds, weaving between mechanics and engineers going about their race day routines. The smells of rubber and gasoline hang thick in the air. You smile and nod at familiar faces, receiving knowing looks in return.

Everyone here knows who you are — the bubbly, outgoing wife of the Iceman himself. The unlikely pairing has been the talk of Formula 1 ever since you started dating a few years ago. You’re warm and chatty. He’s cool and laconic. But somehow, it works.

You find Kimi in the Ferrari motorhome, sipping an energy drink, game face on. His brows are furrowed in concentration, icy grey eyes focused straight ahead. You know not to disturb him right now. This is business time.

Slipping into the seat beside him, you pull out your phone and scroll aimlessly, letting the comfortable silence stretch between you. The hustle and noise of the paddock fades into the background.

Finally, Kimi drains the last drops from his can and crushes it in his hand. He turns to you, the stern expression melting away. His eyes soften and the corners of his mouth tick upward ever so slightly.

“Morning,” he says quietly, voice gravelly.

You beam at him. “Good morning, love. Ready to go racing today?”

He nods, the hint of a smile still playing on his lips. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I did, thanks to my very comfy race driver pillow.” You wink.

Kimi snorts, the creases around his eyes deepening. He leans in and presses a quick kiss to your temple.

Around you, mechanics and team members try and fail to pretend they aren’t glancing your way, still not used to seeing the Iceman so openly affectionate. But Kimi doesn’t seem to notice or care.

“I’ll see you after,” he says, standing up and giving your hand a squeeze. His face settles back into cool concentration as he strides out to prepare for the race.

You settle in to watch qualifying, heart swelling with pride and love for your Finnish fireball.

***

“Kimi, the stewards want to speak with you about the incident with Perez on lap 37.”

Kimi’s jaw clenches, eyes flashing. “Typical,” he mutters.

You touch his arm reassuringly. “Go on, I’ll wait here for you.”

He nods, striding off to the steward’s office, race suit half unzipped and hair disheveled. You know he’ll be lucky to escape without a penalty. Kimi has never been one to mince words or hide his displeasure with other drivers. You can only imagine the icy staredown happening behind those closed doors right now.

Twenty minutes later, he emerges looking ready to smash a table. You jump up and hurry over.

“Well? What did they say?”

Kimi’s scowl deepens, if that’s even possible. “Ten second penalty. Ridiculous.” He spits out something in Finnish you’re glad you don’t understand.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. You drove brilliantly today.”

He shakes his head and stalks down the hall towards the paddock. You scurry after him, nearly jogging to match his long angry strides.

“Forget it. Not your fault the stewards are blind.”

You slip your hand into his, lacing your fingers together. Immediately you feel some of the tension leave his body. He glances down at you, the hint of a smile breaking through the thunderclouds.

“Let’s get out of here,” you say gently. “I’ll make you your favorite dinner, open a nice bottle of wine ...”

He nods, expression softening. “Okay. Sounds good.”

You smile up at him, giving his hand a squeeze. The stormy Finn may have a heart of ice on the track, but you know better. He just needs a little sunshine sometimes.

***

You pause in the kitchen doorway, heart melting at the scene before you. Kimi sits on the living room floor, your baby niece perched happily in his lap. He bounces her gently on his knee as she squeals with delight, the hint of a smile on his usually stoic face.

“Faster Unca Kimi, faster!” She cries, unruly curls flying.

He chuckles and picks up the pace, eliciting delighted giggles from her. Your sister watches nearby, still looking a bit bemused at seeing the Iceman so good natured and playful.

Finally Kimi stops, feigning exhaustion. “Whew, that’s enough for Uncle Kimi,” he says, lifting her up and pretending to wipe sweat from his brow. “You’re too fast!”

She dissolves into giggles and wraps her tiny arms around his neck in a hug. He hugs her back, looking more content than you’ve ever seen him. Your heart feels fit to burst.

“Who wants ice cream?” You announce, carrying in two bowls.

“Me, me!” Your niece starts to squirm in Kimi’s lap, reaching eagerly for her treat.

He stands, swinging her up easily onto his shoulders. “Let’s go have ice cream on the porch, give your mama a break,” he says. She kicks her little legs gleefully.

Your sister shoots you a grateful smile as Kimi carries her outside. You grin and wink. Who would believe it — the Iceman, a big softie for kids. But you know better. Under that cool exterior beats a heart of gold.

***

The crowds pressing around the circuit are suffocating today. Fans shove programs and merch at you for Kimi to sign. One overzealous teenage boy tries to wrap you in an uninvited hug.

Suddenly Kimi is there, gently but firmly detaching the boy’s hands from your arms. His face is thunderous.

“Back. Off.” The boy stumbles away wide-eyed.

Kimi keeps a protective grip on your shoulder as he marches you briskly from the paddock. Once inside the privacy of the motorhome, he cups your face in his hands.

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” His tone is urgent.

You shake your head, still a bit shaken. “Just got grabby. Thank you for the rescue.”

Kimi exhales, pressing his forehead to yours. “I don’t like you getting swarmed out there.”

You smile wryly. “Hazards of being Mrs. Iceman.”

He brushes his thumb over your cheek. “I just want to keep you safe. Those crowds make me nervous.”

You kiss him softly. “I’ll be okay.”

His eyes bore into yours, icy blue melting into tenderness. “Still. Stay close to me out there from now on. So I can protect what’s most precious.”

Your heart flutters under his intent gaze. You lace your fingers through his, feeling infinitely cherished.

“Always.”

***

“Kimi, your phone is ringing again,” you call from the couch.

He doesn’t respond, gaze fixed intently on the TV as he navigates a difficult turn in his racing video game. The phone buzzes angrily on the coffee table.

With a sigh, you reach for it. The caller ID says “Bane of My Existence.” You frown. That’s the third call from her this week that he’s ignored.

“Kimi ...”

“Hmm?” He pauses the game and glances at you, eyebrows raised.

You hold up the phone. “It’s your PR officer again. Don’t you think you should answer and see what she wants?”

His expression clouds over. “No. Told her not to call me anymore.”

“Oh? Why’s that?” You keep your tone light and curious.

He shrugs. “Kept trying to get me to do stuff. Go to parties and all that.”

You bite back a smile, warmth flooding your chest. Your shy homebody of a husband, sought after on the celebrity circuit but wanting none of it.

“Well, I’m glad she hasn’t lured you away yet,” you tease gently.

The corners of his mouth quirk up as he takes the phone from you and sets it aside before pulling you into his lap.

“Don’t worry,” he rumbles, nudging your nose with his. “You’re the only party I need.”

You kiss him softly, heart overflowing. The glitz and glam means nothing to your Kimi. Home is where his heart is.

***

You awake to whispered voices and the smell of something burning. Bleary-eyed, you shuffle to the kitchen doorway.

Kimi stands at the stove, hair endearingly mussed from sleep. He’s scowling down at a frying pan, clutching a spatula like a weapon. Your brother leans against the counter, trying and failing to stifle laughter.

“What’s going on?” You ask through a yawn.

Kimi’s scowl deepens. “Trying to make you breakfast. Not going well.” He prods the blackened lump in the pan disdainfully.

Your brother snorts. “He nearly set off the fire alarm. I got here just in time.”

“I told you I don’t cook,” Kimi mutters, avoiding your gaze.

You pad over and wrap your arms around him from behind, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades. “It’s the thought that counts. Thank you, love.”

He relaxes back into your embrace. Your brother mimes gagging behind his back. You stick out your tongue at him.

“Here, I’ll show you,” you say, gently prying the spatula from Kimi’s hand. “Just go slow ...”

Soon, the three of you are gathered around the table, eating the pancakes you made together. Kimi’s are a bit misshapen, but edible.

He looks inordinately pleased as you sample his. “Good?”

You beam at him and squeeze his hand. “The very best.”

His rare unguarded smile warms you more deeply than any breakfast ever could.

***

You awaken to the dipping of the mattress as Kimi slips under the covers. The red glow of his bedside clock reads 3:48 AM.

“Everything okay?” You murmur, rolling over to face him.

He wraps an arm around you, pulling you close against his chest. You feel the steady thump of his heart under your palm.

“Yeah. Couldn’t sleep.” His voice rumbles low near your ear.

You nuzzle into him, breathing in the familiar scent of his skin. “Worrying about the race this weekend?”

He exhales, his breath stirring your hair. “No. Just thinking.”

When he doesn’t elaborate, you lift your head to study his face in the dimness. His eyes shine in the faint light, gazing at you with an intensity that makes your own heart skip.

“What is it?” You whisper.

He brushes a strand of hair from your face, his callused fingers infinitely tender. “Sometimes I still can’t believe you’re here. That you’re mine.”

Emotion swells in your chest, words escaping you. You cup his stubbled face and guide his lips down to yours in a soft, lingering kiss.

When you finally draw apart, he pulls you close again, tucking your head under his chin. No more words are needed. You understand each other perfectly in the quiet spaces between heartbeats. Soon his breathing evens out in sleep, and you follow him down, still nestled safe in the circle of his arms.

***

You’re just drizzling the last of the chocolate over the molten lava cakes when you hear Kimi’s keys in the front door. A smile spreads across your face. Perfect timing.

He wanders in a few moments later, hair adorably rumpled, eyes lighting up when he sees you.

“Mmm, something smells good,” he says, crossing the kitchen to wrap you in a hug.

You kiss his scratchy cheek. “Made your favorite for dessert. Now go get cleaned up while I finish.”

He squeezes you tighter, stubble tickling your neck as he nuzzles into it. “Can’t I have you for dessert instead?”

You swat his shoulder playfully. “Go on, you. Plenty of time for that later.”

He steals one more kiss before sauntering off, a grin playing about his lips. You shake your head, unable to stop smiling. After all these years, he still makes your heart race as if you’re teenagers again.

When he returns, you’ve set out the seared salmon, roasted vegetables, and the two perfect chocolate lava cakes. His eyes light up.

“Have I told you lately that you’re the best wife ever?” He asks, pulling out your chair.

“Hmm, I think you could stand to mention it more,” you tease.

He takes your hand, brushing his thumb over your knuckles. His eyes pierce yours. “You’re the best wife ever,” he says solemnly.

You lean in and kiss him, happiness bubbling up inside you. However many times he says it, you’ll never get tired of hearing it.

***

“So, what’s it like being married to the grumpiest driver on the grid?” The reporter shoves a microphone in your face, invasive and smug.

You recoil, blindsided. “Excuse me?”

“Come on, he’s not exactly Mr. Personality.” The reporter leans closer. “Does the Iceman thaw out at home or just freeze you out?”

Humiliation burns through you. Before you can respond, Kimi is there, gently moving you aside. His eyes are blazing.

“Don’t you dare talk about my wife like that,” he growls at the reporter. “You know nothing about our life.”

The reporter withers under Kimi’s icy glare. You feel a rush of gratitude for your protective husband.

Kimi turns to you, face softening. “Let’s get out of here.”

Once you’re alone, he brushes a strand of hair from your face. “Sorry you had to deal with that. He had no right to badger you about our marriage.”

You lean into him, safe in the circle of his arms. “It’s okay. You came to my rescue like a knight in shining racing gear.”

He snorts. “Hardly a knight. But for you, always.” He kisses you tenderly.

No matter what the media says, your life together is not theirs to define. Your love writes its own quiet story each day.

***

You awake in the dark to a loud crash from downstairs. Heart pounding, you shake Kimi’s shoulder.

“Kimi, wake up! I think someone’s broken in.”

He’s up in an instant, alert and poised to strike. You hear footsteps creeping up the stairs. Kimi pushes you behind him and grabs the baseball bat by the bed.

The footsteps reach the landing and a shadowy figure appears in the doorway. Kimi flicks on the light, bat raised menacingly. You both freeze.

It’s Sebastian Vettel, eyes wide, hands raised in surrender. “Whoa whoa, it’s just me!”

Kimi’s shoulders slump as he lowers the bat. “Seb? What the hell are you doing here?”

Seb runs a hand through his messy hair. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was in town and my rental car broke down outside. I was hoping I could crash here tonight.”

Kimi sighs, shaking his head. “You couldn’t call first?”

Seb grins sheepishly. “Forgot to charge my phone.”

You step out from behind Kimi, laying a hand on his arm. “It’s fine, love. Let’s get some fresh sheets for the guest room.” You turn to Seb. “We’ll figure out your car in the morning.”

Seb’s shoulders sag in relief. “Thanks, I really owe you guys.”

As you make up the bed, you share an amused look with Kimi. Only Seb could turn up unannounced in the middle of the night and get away with it. But then again, that’s why you love him.

***

You’re waiting at the finish line, heart in your throat as the cars scream past for the final lap. Kimi is battling for a podium finish, but has fallen back after a poorly timed pit stop. He’s gaining ground fast, but is he out of time?

The crowd roars as the frontrunners cross the line. P2 … P3 … waiting for P4. Come on, Kimi.

Then you see it, the red and white Alfa Romeo flashing past the checkered flag, narrowly clinching third. You leap in the air, cheering loudly. Kimi did it!

You rush down towards the pits, arriving just as Kimi climbs from his car. His race suit is drenched, hair plastered to his forehead, but his eyes are bright. When he spots you, a grin breaks across his face.

You throw your arms around him, heedless of how sweaty he is. “You were amazing! I’m so proud of you.”

He lifts you off your feet in a bear hug, laughing breathlessly in your ear. The sound sends joy bursting through your veins.

As he sets you down, you cradle his stubbled face in your hands. “I love you,” you say fiercely.

His grin softens to something more tender. He tilts his forehead against yours, heedless of the crowds milling nearby.

“Love you too,” he murmurs.

The cameras flash around you, eager to capture this rare unguarded moment. But Kimi only has eyes for you. Third place has never felt so golden.

***

“Ugh, your wife is so annoyingly positive all the time. It’s nauseating,” the other driver’s girlfriend gripes to Kimi at a race afterparty.

You freeze mid-laugh, stung by her disdainful tone. Kimi’s eyes narrow dangerously.

“I would rather have a positive wife than a miserable cow like you,” he says coldly. “Come on, let’s go.”

He takes your arm and steers you firmly away. You blink back tears, embarrassed.

“Hey,” Kimi says softly, tilting your chin up. “Don’t listen to her. I love how positive you are. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for spreading joy.”

You give a watery chuckle. “Really? You don’t find it annoying?”

“Are you kidding? Your light balances out my darkness perfectly.” He punctuates this with a swift kiss. “You keep me from being a constant grump.”

You laugh and swat his chest. “Impossible. No one can tame the Iceman’s grumpiness.”

He smiles tenderly and pulls you close. “You do. Don’t change for anyone else.”

***

You pace the bathroom floor, heart racing. The little white stick sits innocently on the counter, but its result will change everything. One blue line for negative, two for positive.

Three minutes have never felt so long.

When the timer finally beeps, you take a deep breath and turn it over with a shaky hand. Two blue lines stare back at you.

Positive.

Emotions swell within you — joy, nervousness, excitement. You and Kimi have been trying for a baby, but it still feels so surreal now that it’s actually happening.

You hear the front door open and Kimi call out your name. It’s time. Clutching the test behind your back, you go to him.

He must read something in your face, because his brows furrow in concern. “Everything okay?”

Your face splits into a teary grin. “Everything’s perfect.” You bring the test out from behind you and hold it up wordlessly.

Kimi’s eyes widen. For once, the unflappable Finn seems utterly flapped. “You … we ...” He stares at the two little lines, then back at you. “We’re having a baby?”

You nod, vision blurring with happy tears. With a joyful shout, Kimi sweeps you up in his arms and spins you around. His excitement is boyish and uncontained.

When he sets you down, he cradles your face in both hands. “I’m going to be a father,” he whispers in awe.

You put your hand over his, overjoyed tears spilling down your cheeks. “You’re going to be the best father.”

***

You fidget impatiently on the exam table, Kimi’s hand clutched in yours. After months of waiting, today is your first ultrasound. If all looks well, you’ll get to see your baby for the very first time.

“What’s taking so long?” You huff. Kimi smiles and presses a kiss to your temple.

“Relax, they’ll be here soon.” His calm steadies you, as it always does.

Finally the technician arrives and asks you to lift up your shirt. She squeezes cool gel over your swelling belly and begins moving the ultrasound wand through it.

The screen comes to life, showing grainy black and white images you can’t decipher. The technician frowns, adjusting some dials. Your heart leaps into your throat.

Sensing your distress, Kimi gives your hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay. Just be patient,” he murmurs.

After a few tense moments, the technician’s face clears. She turns the screen towards you with a smile. “There we are. There’s your baby.”

You gaze in wonder at the little shape filling the screen, tiny arms and legs visibly squirming. Your vision blurs with tears. That’s your child, your little miracle.

Beside you Kimi is utterly transfixed, eyes shining. “That’s our baby,” he whispers reverently.

He lifts your intertwined hands and presses his lips to your knuckles. “Thank you,” he says, voice husky with emotion. “For this gift.”

You have no words. You simply lean into him, his solid warmth anchoring you as joy washes over you both.

***

You stare glumly at your reflection in the mirror. At eight months pregnant, you feel like a beluga whale. Your ankles are swollen, your back aches constantly, and none of your clothes fit over your enormous bump anymore.

Voices sound from downstairs as Kimi arrives home. You feel tears prick your eyes. You don’t want him to see you like this, a beached whale in sweatpants.

Sniffling, you ease onto the bed and bury your face in a pillow. Kimi finds you there a few minutes later. The mattress dips as he sits down and rubs your back.

“What’s wrong, love?”

You shake your head, embarrassed. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

Gently he turns you over, brushing the hair from your damp cheeks. “Talk to me,” he says softly.

A sob escapes you. “I’m hideous like this! I’ve gotten so huge. You must be disgusted looking at me.”

Kimi’s brow furrows. He takes your chin in his hand, forcing you to meet his earnest gaze. “Is that what you think? That I find you disgusting?”

Ashamed, you drop your eyes, fresh tears spilling over.

“Look at me,” he says gently. You do. His ice blue eyes pierce yours. “You’ve never been more beautiful to me than you are right now, carrying our child.”

He places a reverent hand on your belly. “You are giving us the most precious gift in the world. How could I not find you beautiful?”

His words pierce your heart. You cover his hand with yours. “I love you,” you whisper.

He gathers you close, dropping feather-light kisses over your face. “And I love you. Always.”

You cling to him, feeling foolish and so very loved.

***

A contraction rips through you, more intense than any before. You cry out, squeezing Kimi’s hand desperately.

“Breathe, love, breathe,” he coaches, face taut.

You gasp air into your lungs as the vice grip on your insides finally releases. Kimi dabs the sweat from your brow with a cool cloth.

“You’re doing so well,” he murmurs. “Our little one will be here soon.”

Even through the haze of pain, his voice anchors you. Your Kimi, always steady as a rock.

Too soon, another contraction wrings a ragged shout from you. Kimi never leaves your side, letting you nearly crush his hand as you ride out the agony.

“I can’t … I can’t do this ...” you sob.

Kimi presses his lips to your temple. “You can. You’re the strongest person I know. I’m right here with you.”

His faith buoys you, even as your body is wracked with wave after wave of excruciating spasms. Your world narrows to the circle of his arms.

Then finally, miraculously, comes the thin, piercing cry of your child. Your exhausted tears mingle with joyful laughter.

Kimi cuts the cord with shaky hands, eyes shining brighter than you’ve ever seen. When they lay the squalling, pink bundle on your chest, the universe crystallizes to this one perfect point.

Your family, whole at last.

***

You awake in the small hours before dawn, reaching across the cool sheets only to find Kimi’s side of the bed empty. Padding down the hallway on silent feet, you peer into the nursery.

Your breath catches in your throat. Kimi stands over the crib, your tiny daughter cradled against his chest. One large hand gently supports her downy head.

He’s speaking softly to her in Finnish, too low for you to understand. But the love shining through his voice brings tears to your eyes. Your tough, taciturn Finn transformed into a doting father.

As he lays her tenderly back in the crib, you hear him murmur in a whisper, “Don’t worry little one, your isä will always protect you. I promise you that.”

He tucks the blanket snugly around her and brushes a feather-light kiss over her forehead. The tenderness of it makes your heart ache.

You slip silently back to bed before he notices you, not wanting to intrude on this private moment between father and daughter. But the image stays seared in your mind.

When Kimi joins you a few minutes later, you turn and press your face into his chest so he won’t see your tears of joy. His arms come around you reflexively.

“You okay?” He rumbles.

You nod, a lump in your throat. Your family is so very blessed.

***

The paddock is bustling with activity as you push your daughter’s stroller through the chaotic maze of the paddock. She’s only six months old, wide-eyed at all the commotion.

Mechanics pause to coo over her, their grease-smudged fingers surprisingly gentle. PR people stop to fuss and take photos. Word has spread — the Iceman’s baby girl is here.

Kimi strides over, stooping to drop a kiss on your head and tickle his daughter’s tummy. His race suit is on, grey eyes intense and focused.

“Sure you don’t want me to take her while you concentrate?” You ask.

He shakes his head, a corner of his mouth quirked up. “I need to see my two favorite girls before I drive.”

Your heart melts. Kimi scoops her up, and she clutches at his nose and gurgles. Nearby, you hear shutters clicking madly. The Iceman undone by a baby — it’ll be all over the press tonight.

But Kimi only has eyes for his daughter, face soft in a way it never is before a race. With a deep breath, he cuddles her close and murmurs something in Finnish before handing her back to you.

You kiss his cheek. “Go show them how it’s done, Daddy.”

He winks and strides off towards the pit lane, determination in his stride. Your daughter waves a chubby fist as he disappears from view.

No matter how many races he wins, now his best trophy waits for him at the finish line. His family.

***

“Must be lonely married to a man called the Iceman,” the reporter says slyly. “He’s not known for being warm and affectionate.”

Anger flashes through you. How dare this stranger imply your marriage is lacking.

“You couldn’t be more wrong,” you reply sharply. “Kimi is very attentive and loving in private.”

The reporter raises her eyebrows. “But his public image ...”

You cut her off. “That’s all it is — an image. Kimi deserves more respect than tired old stereotypes.”

Your voice softens as you glance to where Kimi is chatting with fans, his body angled protectively towards you.

“There is no one kinder or more loyal than my husband. He cherishes our family greatly, he just doesn’t flaunt it to the world.”

The reporter looks taken aback by your fervent defense. You almost feel sorry for her. She’ll never truly know the man behind the Iceman legend. But you do and you won’t tolerate anyone maligning him.

[aperrywilliams]

That Green Monster (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

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Author Masterlist

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader.

Summary: Your relationship with Spencer is fresh new, and some of his insecurities arise when someone new joins the team, making him react in a wrong way to you.

Word Count: 4.8k

Warnings: Fluff and Angst. And then fluff at the end (I don't even understand myself). Spencer lashes out. Spencer is insecure. Reader is mad. Both are so madly in love, though.

A/N: This one has been sitting as a WIP for way too long, so I decided to finish it today!

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A shot in the neck.

That's what it took for you and Spencer to - finally - get together. To confess you loved each other.

Everything happened while working a case in Texas. You had cornered a suspect who was hiding in a restaurant. You wanted to open a communication line with him, but out of nowhere, shots got fired. And one of them ended in your neck.

What happened next was a blur to everyone, especially to Spencer. He barely remembers Morgan pulling him back so that the paramedics could check on you.

The ambulance ride to the hospital and the hours of waiting for news were excruciating.

In Spencer's brain, only the thought that he might lose you forever without coming clean about his feelings for you.

You have been in a similar situation before, but this time, he thought you wouldn't make it.

It would be the loss of a friend and the loss of the love of his life.

If Spencer has to be honest, he realized he loved you after your first month working at the BAU. And with every passing day, the feeling only got stronger. But he was scared of saying anything, afraid of changing - or losing - the strong bond you guys already had.

So, he kept it to himself for years. For six years, to be exact.

But what he didn't know was you had fallen for him, too.

And how could you not? You both went through so many things over the years: Spencer's kidnapping, his Dilaudid problem, your family issues, the injuries, bad cases, unsubs attacks, hospital visits, and so on. With every bump in the way, you both were each other rock. Always together, no matter what.

The team affectionately called you Mulder and Scully, but in reverse roles, of course.

But even if, at some point, both of you realized what you had was much more than a friendship, neither of you did something about it.

Until you got shot in the neck.

In that uncomfortable waiting room chair, Spencer prayed, to whatever or whoever could listen, for a chance to make things right.

So when you woke up in your hospital bed hours later, the first thing you saw was Spencer's face.

He was by your side as always. But this time, he had something to tell you. Spencer didn't have the chance, though, because before he could say anything, three words blurted out from your lips: 'I love you.'

Between happy tears, you both spent hours talking and coming to the conclusion you were both idiots in love.

You didn't say anything to the team, but you all knew they knew, so it became unspoken knowledge after you were released from the hospital.

-------

With you home due to your neck injury and JJ on maternity leave, Hotch decided that some help would be better than putting more pressure on the remaining team members.

That's why he borrowed an agent from Sex Crimes.

Spencer had already told you that there was a new agent, but he hadn't developed this information in detail.

You knew him on your first day back, a month after you got shot.

Once you exited the elevator on the sixth, you headed through the bullpen glass doors. When you pushed them open, you didn't realize that someone was going in the opposite direction, and you almost hit the guy in the face with one of the doors.

"Oh, my God. I'm sorry!" you exclaimed when you realized what almost happened.

The man shook his head in dismissal. "No, no. Don't be. Nothing happened."

"But I almost hit you with a glass door," you pointed. The guy didn't seem phased by it, though.

"I'm okay, really," he insisted, flashing you a smile. You hadn't picked much of his appearance, to be honest, but the guy was easy on the eyes. Another thing that caught your attention was you had never seen him before.

"Do I know you?" You asked with curiosity.

"I don't think so. I'm Agent Dodds. Jake Dodds," he introduced himself, extending his hand. You've heard that last name before. You told him yours, shaking his hand.

"Really? You are a BAU member, right? I'm the backup agent Hotchner brought to the team," he explained, and then it clicked. He was the new guy.

Jake Dodds was young, fresh and motivated. After his first year in Sex Crimes, he already has a lot of accomplishments to show off. And, of course, he was doing his best to impress Hotch and the team.

Coming to the office bright and early and being the last to leave gave Dodds a chance to engage with the cases and the team members - you included. Due to your neck injury, you were mostly on desk duty, so you had enough time to help Jake with paperwork and all the questions he might have about past cases. And Dodds had many.

In the weeks that followed, he has spent a lot of time by your side, working with you when the team wasn't out of town.

It was part of your nature to be forthcoming and willing to teach others. And having worked at the BAU for almost six years, you felt like you could teach one thing or two.

Spencer loves that from you; it's one of the many things that made him fall in love with you. But for some reason, Jake's closeness to you started to bother him.

Spencer knew it was irrational and without foundation. Still, in the past weeks since Dodds joined, with each laugh from you when Jake cracked a joke, every time you sat together at the office a little too close, or every day you decided to have lunch with Jake rather than him, Spencer's jealousy only got stronger. It didn't help the team's comments about you and Jake.

'Dodds looks hooked by her'; 'The newbie definitely is flirting with her'; 'Really handsome view she has over there.'

Spencer could only bite his tongue. He could easily assume that the team was only messing with the situation, but the green monster growing inside didn't let him think clearly.

Spencer knew you, and you would never do something to hurt him, so why did he feel that uneasiness inside of him?

Maybe the fact you were in the early stages of your relationship made Spencer insecure. It was all new and fresh; he was happy with you, but although you both have known each other for years, he was inexperienced in the love department. Being friends was one thing, but being a couple was different.

So instead of talking to you—which he knew was the right thing to do—Spencer did what he usually does when he feels overwhelmed: he shuts people out.

And you did notice, of course.

Something was troubling him, you knew that, but every time you brought up the topic, he dodged it. You didn't look much into it at first because you knew Spencer would talk to you eventually when he felt ready. Or you assumed he would.

But the days went by, and Spencer still hadn't told you why he had been so distant, so you decided to confront him.

You both were watching a movie at your place, but you noticed Spencer wasn't paying attention to the TV. After an internal debate about whether it was a good idea to bring this up, you tested the waters.

"Spencer, are you okay?" you asked him, genuine concern lacing your voice.

The question hung in the air enough to make you think he might not hear you.

"Spencer?" you tried again, swearing you heard him huff even if he tried to be subtle.

"I'm okay, just tired," he hastened to dismiss, not looking at you.

So he heard you, but you had to call his name again to get an answer. Something is definitely wrong.

Contemplating your options, you chose to end the 'patiently wait until he comes to you' strategy. You were his girlfriend now. Why he couldn't trust you enough to tell you what's going on?

"Okay. This bullshit needs to stop now. You have been weird for too many days to tell me now you are okay and just tired. I know something happened and need you to tell me what it is," you demanded.

Shifting uncomfortably in his spot, Spencer had an inner debate about coming clean to you. He didn't want to admit how much Jake's closeness to you was bothering him. Spencer didn't want you to think about him as the possessive and clingy boyfriend who can't see his girlfriend near other guys.

He wasn't like that, right?

"You are imagining things. I'm perfectly fine," Spencer deadpanned, eyes returning to the TV.

Your mouth went slack. Were you imagining things? Was he thinking you were stupid?

"So I'm imagining things, uh? It's not you being defensive right now, isn't it?"

"No." He gave you a curt answer that meant precisely the opposite of what he was implying.

You wanted to give him a chance to open with you, but Spencer wasn't engaging.

It seemed easier to talk about what was happening to each other when you were only friends. Why is it so hard now you are a couple? You couldn't understand, and your patience was running short.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" you called him out in frustration. "Who do you think I am? A random person who hasn't known you for fucking six years?"

Spencer internally flinched. He saw the confusion and anger mixed in your eyes, and he felt the urge to hug you tight, telling you he was being an irrational jealous asshole. But Spencer didn't bring himself to do it, and instead, he tried to play cool and detached.

"I already told you. Everything is wonderful, at least for me. Not for you?" Spencer asked casually.

You narrowed your eyes at him. He looked calm and collected, but you could feel he was anything but.

"Okay. I'll bite the bullet. So the distance between us in the past weeks doesn't bother you as it bothers me," you concluded.

Spencer let out a bitter chuckle.

"Funny you're bothered by that. You have seemed very busy in the past weeks," Spencer mumbled.

A slip that didn't go unnoticed by you.

"Very busy?" you echoed his words. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Spencer shrugged, unamused.

"Exactly what it is. You have been very busy at the BAU lately. I only have been giving you space."

You squinted your eyes, raking your brain to understand Spencer's meaning. For your mandatory desk duty, you have spent more time in the office than in the field, but besides that, what has been different?

And then it clicked on you. Jake Dodds.

Sure, you've been very willing to teach him things and help him with his work, but that only explains Spencer's annoyance if there is another reason.

"Is this about Dodds? Are you jealous of Jake?" you questioned in disbelief.

Spencer's face paled. You had caught him.

After your deduction, he should have told the truth, but Spencer is stubborn enough not to give in, especially if that meant recognizing something he felt embarrassed of.

"W- what?! No! Where did you get that? I'm not jealous or remotely close to that," Spencer rebutted defensively.

Oh, he was definitively jealous. At the realization, you let out a giggle, eyes softening at your boyfriend. For you, there is no guy he should be worried about- not for Jake or any other person. Your heart is his, and you know there is nobody in this world you want to be with more than Spencer.

But Spencer's face deflated. You were laughing at him, and he felt even worse.

"Spencer, there is no reason for you to be -"

You couldn't even finish your sentence when Spencer cut you off, standing from the couch.

"I already told you! Am I not speaking English to you?"

His face was red, but not by embarrassment anymore. Now, it was a kind of contained rage.

Stunned by his reaction, it took you a few seconds to say anything.

"I - I'm just trying to understand what's going on. Don't be rude," you chimed.

Spencer let out a humorless chuckle.

"Rude, did you say? Am I rude because I disagree with you? Is that? Or am I rude because this doesn't have to do with you?"

"Excuse me? When did this turn into a problem related to me?"

You stood to mirror his stature so as not to look vulnerable.

"I don't know, you tell me. Are you disappointed because not everything or anyone in this world is revolving around you?"

Spencer's voice was cold and sarcastic, something you had seen in him before but never directed toward you. He was outrightly saying you were self-centered.

"Spencer -" you tried to warn him to back off, but Spencer didn't stop.

"No. I get it. You like the attention. But, I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood to indulge your childish self. Maybe the young and funny Agent Dodds could help you with that. But not me."

A dead silence settled in the room. If a needle had fallen on the floor, it would have made a noticeable noise.

You couldn't believe that man was your boyfriend—the man who was telling you such hurtful words.

Spencer saw how your features morphed from confused to hurt and then to offense, and with a twist in his guts, he knew he had fucked up.

"Are you done?"

Your tone was flat and collected, even if, on the inside, there was a storm of feelings. Spencer was deflated and looking for the right words to apologize.

"Hey, look, I'm -"

"I asked if you were done." You questioned harshly this time, and Spencer only gave you a shy nod.

"Okay, now get out!"

Your command was only followed by your actions as you walked to your entrance to open the door.

With horror, Spencer tried to sputter words to change your mind.

"I'm sorry. I - I didn't - Please, don't do this."

"I said, get out! I don't want you here!"

You emphasized your words, gesturing to the open door.

"Baby, I wasn't - I didn't mean what-" Spencer tried again, but you had made up your mind and didn't want to hear him.

"I don't fucking care! You had your time to explain yourself, and I don't want to hear anything else from you."

Spencer knew that nothing he could say at that moment would help his cause, so like a dog with the tail between his legs, he slowly made the walk of shame towards your door, but not before looking at you and begging for forgiveness with his eyes. It was a useless thing because you didn't even look at him back. Once he was out of your sight, you slammed the door shut, and your facade crumbled.

Tears started to fall freely, in a combination of pain and frustration.

It's needless to say, you couldn't sleep that night.

-----------------------------------

Spencer looked distracted and visibly sad.

Morgan knew something had happened to him, even if the man had denied the fact for the past two days. And Morgan was sure it was something related to you. It looked like Spencer would combust from guilt whenever his eyes landed on you. Morgan's suspicion turned to be right the moment you caught Spencer's gaze, and you purposely averted it.

"Okay, pretty boy, what did you do?" Morgan questioned Spencer when he caught him pouring coffee in the kitchenette.

"What? Me? Nothing!" Spencer defended himself, but the crack in his voice did nothing to help his cause.

"So she's not talking to you just because?"

Spencer shrugged, leaving the pot over the counter.

Was he being so obvious? If Spencer wanted to maintain the facade that 'nothing is wrong here,' he was failing miserably.

Morgan scoffed, grabbing a mug to pour some coffee for himself.

"Come on, Reid. There must be something. Since yesterday morning, you look like a kicked puppy, and she seems visibly upset, and you're both always attached to the hip."

Dangerous territory, Spencer thought. But at this point, his regret was more powerful than keeping your relationship private.

"She is mad at me," the man recognized. It was a 'vague' recognition, but it was something.

Morgan seemed not surprised, though.

"No shit, Sherlock. The question is why, pretty boy," Derek prodded.

Spencer sighed deeply. How could he express what really happened without telling the whole truth?

Morgan saw the struggle in Spencer's eyes.

"I know you are both hurting by whatever happened. Maybe talking would help you clear your head and think about how to fix it."

Spencer took in Morgan's words. Some advice could help, he decided.

"We fought. I mean, we argued two nights ago, and she kicked me out. And now she is not talking to me, and I don't- I want to apologize, but I don't know how."

Spencer winced, just remembering your fight.

Derek looked at him incredulously.

"She kicked you out? What in the world did you do so she reacted like that?"

The actual question was 'what he said' because, strictly speaking, he didn't do anything besides let his mouth run on its own accord.

He regretted every word he said to you the second they left his mouth, but the damage was done, and you were fed up enough to listen to his apologies, so you yelled at him to let you alone. He didn't blame you. But he was feeling miserable, and it showed.

Spencer told Morgan exactly what happened—word by word.

"Jesus, Reid. I didn't peg you like the jealous type," Morgan acknowledged. Spencer shook his head.

"It's not like that. I mean, I know she loves me..."

"But?"

Spencer sighed. "What if - what if she realizes there are better men than me? That I am not enough for a romantic relationship?"

Morgan's eyebrows knit together. Spencer's face was pure panic, only thinking about the possibility.

"And Dodds would be better than you? You know he's like a kid, right?" Morgan pointed.

"Yeah. A young man with a lot of confidence that makes her smile and has her undivided attention. He's smart and qualified for this job like any of us. I'm not better than him. And I can perfectly be disposable in comparison."

That was the thing. Spencer felt insecure about you finding someone better than him.

Morgan looked at him empathetically.

"Man, I think you are looking too much into it. I don't think you should feel threatened in your relationship with her. And I guess she thinks the same and feels hurt for you thinking that."

Spencer nodded. "That's why I know I fucked up. I hurt her for my insecurities. It's all my fault," he lamented.

"You need to talk to her," Morgan advised, and Spencer whined.

"How? She hasn't spared me a glance in two days!"

"You're a genius, Spencer. And above all, how long have you known her? Five years? Think of something."

"Five years, eleven months, three weeks, and four days," Spencer corrected without hesitation.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. You'll figure it out."

Spencer sighed deeply as Morgan patted his shoulder before leaving the kitchenette. Derek was right; they should talk. Spencer just had to figure out how to make that happen.

-----------------------------------

That night you were sulking at your apartment, laying on the couch and watching some crap on the TV, when three knocks alerted you.

You weren't expecting anyone, and you didn't think Spencer could be outside your door. You were clear in telling him you didn't want to talk to him when he cornered you in the breaking room this afternoon.

But if you knew something about Spencer Reid, it was that he could be stubborn as fuck. So when you looked by the peephole and saw him standing there, you only closed your eyes and sighed.

Spencer knocked again. "I know you are there. And I know you don't want to talk to me. But please, let me do the talk. Please, at least listen to the things I need to say."

"You already said enough," you spat from your spot on the other side of the door. Spencer gulped hard. He said enough hurtful things to you to kick his ass, but he was determined to gain your forgiveness somehow.

"I can't stress enough how sorry I am for that. But I need you to know that I didn't mean any of it." Spencer paused, and when he didn't hear you say anything, he continued. "I'm an asshole, and I would understand if you want to break up and never see me again. I mean, well - it - it would be kind of difficult not to see each other because we work together, but you know what I mean. Or maybe not, I don't know. Jesus, what the fuck am I saying?" Spencer chastised himself, trying to control his nerves.

You could hear him struggling, so you decided to spare him a panic attack in the middle of the hallway. You opened your door and saw him still trying to sputter what he wanted to say.

"If this is your way to apologize, you are doing a terrible job." Your voice was not angry but tired. Because if he had had two tortuous days of you not talking to him, you haven't done it any better, overthinking about your fight over and over again.

Spencer's glassy, pleading eyes found yours.

"I know. It seems it's another thing I suck at," he admitted fidgeting with his hands. "Would you, uh. Would you let me try again? Apologize. That is."

It's true you were still mad with him, but you really wanted to understand why he reacted the way he did that night and said all the things he said. You know him too well to ignore that something else beyond mere jealousy clearly triggered his outburst.

Without saying a word, you gestured for him to get into the apartment. Spencer was quick to comply before you changed your mind.

You both took seats on opposite sides of the couch, eyes overly interested in your living room rug. After some minutes of silence and knowing he needed to say something, Spencer cleared his throat.

"I guess I'm going to start with the beginning," he prefaced, keeping his hands in his lap as you turned to contemplate him in silence. "Uh - you know it took me time to come clean with my feelings for you. A lot of time, almost six years," he chuckled nervously. You nodded, not wanting to interrupt him, fearing to get him more anxious.

"The thing is- I have been in love with you for so long and creating scenarios of us in my mind that - that now I know it is real, I don't - It's still difficult to grasp the idea we are together, you know?"

As Spencer raked his hair, collecting his thoughts, you couldn't help but remember all the things you both went through until you decided to tell the truth to each other. Six years is a long time. But you wanted to believe it has been worth it.

"I'm not used to a life where I get to be happy; when I think I am, things crush down, and I lose everything. It's a rule: good things don't last in my life."

You know how difficult it has been for Spencer to accept that he is not cursed or anything like that—a very difficult task, knowing the things he has been through.

"So my mind began to be haunted by the idea that it was a matter of time before you realized you could do better than me, and I'm only worth it as a friend."

His words made you recall the times you both discussed your love life in the past and all the doubts weighing on Spencer's shoulders. After those conversations, you always swore to make him feel loved and appreciated.

"And then you came back to work, and Dodds was there. I created this whole scenario, telling myself that you would be better with someone like him."

Spencer paused to gauge your reaction. You were openly listening to him, taking in every word.

"I know it's unfair to you. I - I betrayed your trust by mulling those ideas and saying all those hurtful things I truly don't believe. I'm so sorry; I don't have a defense other than my incompetence in dealing with my insecurities," Spencer concluded, letting a deep sigh escape from his lips and averting your gaze. He looked embarrassed and vulnerable, and it hurts you to acknowledge how small he feels about himself. You reached your hand tentatively, touching his forearm, and Spencer's eyes drifted back to you.

"Spencer, you have to know there is no one in this world who I love so deeply as I love you. No man could compare to you. No matter how young or confident or whatever difference you can name. You are the most thorough, caring, and selfless person I know, and I love you so fucking much it hurts," you gave his arm a gentle squeeze to emphasize your point. Spencer's cheeks flushed a bit. He still needs to get used to your compliments.

"What I still don't get is why you didn't tell me. Don't you trust me enough to talk to me about how you feel?"

Spencer hastened to reply, taking your hand in his. "No! It's not that! I do trust you with my life!"

"Then why didn't you tell me the truth at the beginning?"

"I - I don't know. I thought you would see me as the shitty boyfriend who can't see his partner near another man. It's as if I wanted to control you. And that's far from what I want," Spencer explained, scooting by your side as his grip on your hand tightened. "It was my problem, not yours. You did nothing to make this happen. I'm the one who must have to fix it." You shook your head.

"Baby, no. If it is something that upsets you, it is my problem, too. Spencer, we need to talk about those things and resolve them together."

Spencer's head hung low, taking in your words.

"But why? I am the insecure one, and you have done nothing more than show me how unfounded my fear is."

"Well, because you're still my best friend, and I care about you." Spencer's gaze met yours again. "It's the thing I first loved about us, you know? I love feeling safe with you and having the trust to talk about what is happening to us." With loving eyes, you brought his hand to your lips to kiss it.

"I want you to keep being my best friend, too," Spencer said with a hopeful smile. It was all you needed to hear.

"Then please don't forget that. You can always talk to me, and I promise to do the same, okay?" Spencer nodded at your words, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Okay. I promise," Spencer replied before wrapping you in a tight embrace. You melted in his arms, feeling his warmth and inhaling his scent, something you have been missing in the past two days.

"I love you," you mumbled into his chest. "So so much."

"I love you too. And I'm so sorry for my behavior two days ago," Spencer muttered in your hair.

You chuckled, slightly parting to look at him.

"Yeah, we have to work on taming that green monster, doctor. Otherwise, Hotch won't be able to bring anyone new to the team," you pointed, leaning to kiss his lips. Spencer smiled into the kiss.

"That means you forgive me?" he asked hopefully. You narrowed your eyes.

"Yes. But you still have to make it up to me," you teased, faking seriousness.

Spencer nodded eagerly nonetheless. "Whatever it takes."

"You could start making something to eat. I'm starving here after two days with a hole in my stomach," you rubbed your belly for emphasis.

"Yes, ma'am," Spencer smiled, standing and strolling quickly to the kitchen. He felt so relieved after coming clean with you that he swore not to make the same mistake again. That green monster fed by his insecurities dissipating as he thought how lucky he was to love and have you in his life.

------------------

Spencer Reid's Taglist: @dreatine @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @anamiad00msday @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk @miaxx03 @missabsey @taintedstranger @khxna @hiireadstuff @pleasantwitchgarden @dysphoricsanity @levi-of-starz @themoonchildwhofell @silver138 @lovelybaka @shinytinywhispers

[blade-liger-4ever]

Why Cody Burns succeeded where Rafael Esquivel failed

Honestly, Raf is one of those characters I never thought much of, in part because he was so forgettable. More often than not in Prime, Raf was just the sweet baby who everybody thought the world of and wanted to keep out of harm's way, even though the most he ever did in the show was provide technical help with Earth machinery or play the part of innocent child. This was not helped by the fact that he was buddy-ed up with the mute Bumblebee, who's sole contributions up until his two part arc and the series finale was additional man power and adorable mimic. While this was good for background humor, it ultimately did nothing to the overall storyline in the series, both for Raf and for Bee, and for the series itself.

By contrast, Cody Burns - the resident team baby, beloved by all and unwaveringly helpful in rescue missions - stood out far more than Raf. And what's more, is that he never had "his own" Autobot/Cybertronian partner, when literally his whole family had one of their own.

Allow me to delve into this, hopefully, final observatory post regarding the TFP kids.

Of all the humans, we quite frankly get the least out of Raf. We know he's a prodigy, given that he's twelve (and a quarter) and jumped straight into the same classes as Miko and Jack, the former of whom is no slouch as I've already covered. We're shown that his family allows him free reign of Jasper, as he's playing by himself near the road, although he's alone. That tells us that his family is either extremely lax in their attention for their youngest child, or that Jasper is an actually safe location for a kid who's barely filling out his shoes to be on his own. Whether or not either option is true, that's dangerous and shows that Raf goes unnoticed by his family. I'm not saying they're abusive or willfully neglectful of him, but this points us to the conclusion that Raf has a very lonely home life, and we already know that he's got zero friends until he meets the Autobots.

This could have been a great plot-point for the series: by giving Team Prime a small child with no one for company, the writers could have more clearly given the Autobots hope for the future of the War/after the War, while Raf could have gained confidence and security from having people who actually cared and listened to him. It could have been fun, having him be the human cycling through the Autobots for various needs. Imagine Raf going to Optimus for comfort after another day of feeling ignored, talking to Arcee for ideas on how to stand up to Vince (being the sole child in class makes you a target, after all), or coming to Bulkhead for how to struggle through the physical aspects of his school regimen (i.e. the time he brought up the rope climbing to Ratchet.) The possibilities were endless.

But instead, he's specifically handed over to Bee. Bee, who is the disabled child that is also largely forgotten, and who, while he does bond with Raf and provide him with much needed company, offers nothing else in the way of development or storylines. We got something marginally better when Raf started spending time with the grumpy grandpa that is Ratchet, which was great to highlight Ratchet's soft side that nurtures his own character progression, but it's not enough for Raf's development. I greatly prefer the company of the Autobots to the human characters in virtually every series, but there needs to be a noticable human presence to ground the Autobots' protective instincts toward Earth and to push along the story. Raf ended up being a token character not even halfway through the first season, which is a shame given his potential, especially since he and Bee ended up being background décor.

Now, as a counterpoint, we come to Cody Burns.

Like Raf, Cody is the youngest child of the Burns clan - and I say clan because his family has been the one providing Griffin Rock's safety and protection for about...roughly three hundred years? (Correct me if I'm wrong, but his family were the ones in-universe to discover the island. Thus, there's a large claim and respect to his family's name.) His father Charlie is the chief of police; his oldest brother Kade is the chief firefighter; his older sister Dani is the helicopter pilot and primary search and rescue operator; and his brother Graham, who's about eight years older than ten year old Cody, is already a chief engineer and inventor himself. Clearly, Cody has an impressive family. Clearly, they're the best of the best, and he couldn't be prouder of them.

And clearly, Cody feels the need to earn his stripes given their talents and the family's reputation.

A recurring subplot in Rescue Bots is how Cody is insecure about his role on the team, and that often leads him to attempt to provide help and find his place in life in the family. Sometimes, this works; although he's often left monitoring the situations across the island at home through the cameras, Cody finds ways of giving advice or pointing out a hazard that the others are oblivious to that would have likely killed them. And this is a noble occupation his fills, with his aid saving many lives and much trouble.

However, sitting around and merely being an observer wears on him. It makes him restless, and he often seeks aid from the 'Bots to figure out his problems before typical shenanigans ensue that rectify the current episode's dilemma.

This is an important part of Cody's characterization because while he does occasionally feel left out/ignored by his family, he understands it is because of their duties. Charlie has to daily wrangle different criminals and legal offenses while Graham is eagerly going to town on his latest project. Kade and Dani each have their own lives that are beginning and that they're pursuing, but additionally maintain an intense sibling rivalry due to them being not even three years apart. Thus, while they're seeing they're respective girlfriend and boyfriend, they're also competing in various childish ways that, sometimes, result in massive fights. It's no small wonder Cody rarely goes to them for advice.

For this, he's left with the 'Bots, and because they view him as their darling little brother who inspires them every day to give the humans of Griffin Rock and Earth a chance, they listen and advise him. Heatwave is the oldest of the 'Bots, and thus more experienced; additionally, Heatwave more than once nearly threw in the towel in the early days, but only relented due to Cody's convictions and virtues. Therefore, while they have a special bond without it being the sole focus, Cody tends to run to Heatwave the most when emotionally unwell and Charlie is unavailable. Heatwave in turn gives him comfort and advice, and backs him up in most situations. Chase is one he less often seeks help from, mostly due to Chase's nature of being a rigid rulebook. Most times Cody helps Chase understand human expressions and terms when Charlie is busy or otherwise engaged, with both their efforts helping the police 'Bot to loosen up. There are times when he needs Chase's input, as strange as that aid might be, and Cody doesn't hesitate to seek it.

Boulder he goes to almost as regularly as Heatwave, and the two get along fantastically. Boulder provides him with loving company he's hungry for, and sound advice without being overbearing. Blades sometimes needs more encouragement than anything, and thus Cody plays the rare part of helping guide someone through their numerous fears. Because of that, the 'copter 'Bot is extremely loyal and protective of Cody, and when Cody does ask for his help or companionship, Blades readily gives it. Sometimes, Blades will even go above and beyond what is asked, and never asks for anything in return.

These are healthy, constantly growing relationships that Cody develops with the 'Bots, as well as magnificent characterizations that are always expanding. While the focus tends to be shown through Cody's eyes or centered around him, it never fixates on him more than is necessary. Rather, by setting him up as the show's heart, the writing team is able to stretch out towards arcs related to other characters, both the 'Bots and their specific partners, and the other human cast members who interact with the 'Bots on a less frequent basis.

This is how Cody takes the potential of Raf from Prime and not only runs with it, but builds up countless heartwarming moments and strong characterizations over the course of Rescue Bots' run. Cody is positively and rightly shown as the glue of the family element of the show, and is given the autonomy to maintain his own personality and growth without being forgotten like Raf consistently was. That's why Cody stands out, and poor Raf is left hanging.

Well, that's my thoughts on the matter. I felt I should tackle Raf, given I covered his two peers, and Cody is a cute, fun, and constantly evolving counterpart to Raf that explains much of why I feel the poor baby of Team Prime was ultimately misused and unnecessary. I hope you enjoyed this, and that it got some gears turning in your heads.

I'll be seeing you guys!

"Rescue Bots, roll to the rescue!"

[da-janela-lateral]

Commenting about my interpretation of Teruki's parents: I think they had the Chernobyl level combination of being deeply insecure people who believed they HAD to have children to prove they were "real adults" and being the kind of people that found it harmless to give their child the bare minimum if he seemed like he was okay with it.

They thought their son automatically would have a perfect life if he met the stereotypical "happy kid criteria" (ex: having the highest grades, being popular, being the best player on the team), and as a consequence, became terribly negligent about anything else. In other words, they wanted a model child without putting actual effort on their wellbeing.

It becomes even worse after Teruki awakens, because the Hanazawas believe his psychic powers make him special. It's just that their idea of special is "being excellent without giving them trouble". So they use his status as an esper to justify their negligence because, "well, Teruki is a very responsible young man and if anything bad happens he can use his powers". Strangers tried to harm him on the street? How horrible, but he can defend himself anyway so it isn't that bad. Their career is keeping them away from their son? Not an issue; they're doing this to guarantee he'll have a good life and nothing changed about his results. Teruki wants to live by himself? Amazing; he is so competent for his age that they don't need to worry about a thing. They are so proud of their son!

The worst part is that all of this coexists with the fact that the Hanazawa parents CARE about Teruki. They genuinely like him and are proud of him, but they cannot process the idea that it's possible to be a horrible parent while loving your child. And just like Teruki used to be, they are very defensive. The Hanazawas are so fixated on "doing things right" that they get aggressive with the slightest implication that they are mistaken, because "what do you mean, we've been following all the rules!". It makes it so obvious that it's more about themselves than about Teruki.

Instead of accepting that they've been negligent about their son's feelings and needs, they choose to be oblivious. Stupidly oblivious. Of course there is nothing wrong with allowing a middle schooler to live alone. Look how great he is doing. If he needed anything else he'd be ungrateful. And their facade of a perfect family is so absurd once you know a little about Teruki's living situation that it makes you want to tear your hair off. What do you mean you're doing everything right, this 14 year old has mental illnesses I didn't even KNOW that were possible for a human being to develop. How don't you know about that. How did you even manage to do that.

[sophaee]

Okay so I have a little prediction about yuumori part 2, the events of pt.2 might possibly drive a bit of wedge between the moriarthree. They haven't seen each other in 2 years, all of them have matured in one way or another, and have moved on from the past. And while having a strong family bond is nice and all, it's more probable than not that now they WILL run into all sorts of disagreements much more often than before when a huge amount of their decisions felt like they were made with the trio in mind, barely any "selfish" choices were made.

However, now they are actual individuals, and have established their own lives, Louis is now the head of MI6, William has spent 2 years in the US on his own (well maybe except for Albert, that man just decided to put himself in prison and it was just him and his intrusive thoughts for 2 years, but solidarity changes people, too, he's come to a lot revelations, thought his life choices through, etc.)

Louis might secretly have some mixed reactions after their reunion. In my humble opinion he has every right to feel bitter about brothers' return, they both just left him on his own after all these years that he sacrificed his own interests for their well being. Heck, if I were this man, I probably wouldn't be even able to face those two. William and Albert coming back, is, of course, a blessing, but at the same time, deep down it might also feel like a curse. Louis has finally started living his own life, and it might just revert to the way things were before. But being in the shadow of his brothers isn't his thing anymore. Would he be able to give up his wants and needs for the sake of his brothers lime he used to?

Now onto Albert, he's always been there to provide financial support for the brothers, kind of like a parent. But what happens when both of the people you've grown used to providing things for, can now provide for themselves just fine, and don't need you anymore?

And most importantly, what about the main character of the story, William? Does this man really expect his brothers to stay the same, and leave an empty space for him to return to for so long, after he tried to unalive himself, survived and went to live with his new bestie instead? I know he wasn't allowed to contact them, but he could've at least contacted them in secret, he's not exactly the type that follows the rules, is he? But no, he kept the fact that he's alive a secret for 2 years, after most of his team finally started to move on. He used to be their leader, but now that things are running perfectly without him, will he, with his saviour complex, be satisfied with a role "less important"?

It would be very interesting to see the new moriathree struggle to get along in some situations where they used to think like one and the same before. I think a lot of people know firsthand just how much people can change, when they're apart, with completely different influences, in such a big amount of time.

Besides, now that the main plot point is allegedly resolved (the large amount of classism amd elitism in Victorian era Britain), since in the final scene Louis suggested that no more work needed to be done, what else would do for a good follow-up conflict? I like to believe there's a secret traitor in MI6 but probably the only ones capable of secretly plotting their own thing without getting caught are the brothers themselves, and something needs to happen for any of them to choose to follow a different path than the rest.

(also, I'm really sorry if the text might be just straight up incomprehensible in some parts, English isn't my first language... I just really needed to talk about my silly little predictions for part 2 somewhere since I'm really REALLY excited for the manga to return but don't really know anyone in the yuumori fandom irl)

[autisticrosewilson]

Every year Kate holds her own Kane Family Events™️ on the same nights as Bruce has his, a cousin rivalry that's been going on as long as either of them can remember.

Dick occasionally joined the Kane's to spite Bruce the first few years, but eventually settled into his Richy Wayne persona.

Jason attended the first few Wayne galas, and immediately decided he wasn't fond of all the formality. He made a deal with Dick, he'll go to the Kane events and bring back leftovers if Dick does the same at Wayne events.

He ends up having a lot of fun! He's pretty much immediately hoisted over to the kid table, which would be more offensive if 18 year old Bette Kane weren't also there. Eventually someone else joins their little gossip duo, a blonde boy named Joey whose around Dick's age. Apparently his mom is Kate's aunt or something and she runs the New York branch of Kane Corp. He's pretty cool, Jason was a little surprised he couldn't talk but he knows ASL so it wasn't an issue and they have a lot in common!

Flash forward a few months later. There's a new Titan team, and Jason gets to visit them today. He's heard of them all at least, Wally, Kori, and Donna are regular fixtures at the manor, and he's met Roy a few times too. He's NOT expecting to see Cousin Joey lounging on the couch.

"-and this is Jericho, or Joey." Dick introduces, oblivious to Jason's inner turmoil.

"Nice to meet you." He says on autopilot. He opens his mouth to- to? He's not actually sure what he could say but he doesn't get the opportunity either way.

Joey waves back, curt and polite as would be expected of two perfect strangers. There's a secretive little smile quirking his lips, the one he gets after he drops a particularly juicy piece of gossip.

Jason's lips thin, keeping the questions trapped behind his teeth. He nods subtly, and the introductions move on.

It's only at the next gathering, with Bette off at the buffet, the two of them sequestered in the corner, that he makes a realization. "Oh my God auntie Addie is a meta!" He gasps, interrupting the conversation. He'd barely thought it through. He saw Adeline deeply engaged with the annual drinking contest out of the corner of his eye and it fell from his mouth before he could stop it. If Joey is a meta that was born with his powers, he had to get them from somewhere. He's not exactly surprised that Addie is a metahuman, he just hadn't realized.

Joey gives him a weird look, part amused and confused before he seems to follow Jason's train of thought. He shakes his head with a grin, signing father. Like that gives him any context.

Joey doesn't talk about his dad. Whoever he is has never shown up to one of these events as far as Jason could tell. His only clue is the last name Wilson, not one that Joey uses himself, but the one entered in the system at the tower.

He turns that information around in his head, utilizing all of those detective skills to piece the clues together before Joey interrupts him with a gentle nudge.

He's picking me up tonight if you want to meet him, Joey offers, a spark of mischief in his eyes that makes Jason suspicious.

Jason chokes on his own spit as he watches Deathstroke emerge from a Benz, dressed down in jeans and a T-shirt. The man gives Jason a look over, recognizes him, and then ignores him completely. Ushering Joey into the car talking about tickets to some events or other that may or may not be a mission.

[coldarena]

Hi hello I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you with the touch starved Eddie thingie but uni said no rpf for a bit 💔 Anyway now is my time 😌

Just thinking thoughts about Eddie who's been in the army for a good 7 years, who's used to that environment of 'manly men' who only touch each other in the occasional rough housing or hand to hand training, who certainly don't hug each other and so the only 'soft' touches he get being when he gets to go home for a few days when he has leave but those are far and few between 🥹 but Eddie is a Man so he barely even realizes that he misses physical touch itself, merely thinks of it as an extension of missing his family, i.e. missing when his ma brushes his curls off his forehead when he's sick in his bunk

And then, comes Andy Haldane, football captain who's used to reaching out and touch (wasn't there a study somewhere that team sports are actual great for positive masculinity because teammates often display emotions with each other and hug and stuff often? Anyway THAT), but more than that, who doesn't know how not to because that's what he's been doing his whole life. So he doesn't think twice about patting Eddie on the shoulder but he does think a lot about how Eddie tensed when he did that, so he's trying to be careful, to reach out for Eddie less because he understands that some people may not like it but it's so HARD because 99% of the time his hand is already so close to Eddie's shoulder when he realizes what he's doing, changing directions would be ridiculous (he does it anyway because he doesn't want to make Eddie uncomfortable)

Meanwhile Eddie is having a Crisis, slowly realizing that 1. He doesn't mind Andy's touch and 2. He craves it so bad now that he got a taste of it 😭 Trying to reconcile that craving physical touch that isn't play fight doesn't make him any less of a Man or anything 🥹 Growing sooo frustrated after the umpteenth time Andy changes direction at the last moment when Eddie KNEW he was going to reach for him, trying to give Andy hints that yeah, this is good, like slowly (and often unconsciously) leaning into Andy's side/touch hoping he'll get the hint 🥹 (Andy's losing sleep trying to figure out what it means)

Add to that a very unhealthy dose of pining and yeah. Who's writing that fic/making that fanart pls, I need it to live

And then!!! When they finally get together and solve this, and Andy cannot for the life of him keep his hands to his side when Eddie is *right there* 😭 Something about how every time he pats Eddie's shoulder in the show, his hand drags down to nearly Eddie's elbow when he pulls away like he has to visibly force himself to go away because he knows that any time he stops touching Eddie might have been the last time he ever touches him </3 needing that sweet reassurance that Eddie is warm and his shoulders move as he breathes because Eddie is all Andy's got and vice versa 🫠 Also because this, the physical touch, is all they've got in front of their men, because Andy can't kiss Eddie when he gives him a new helmet in a "pls be careful", can't hug him and kiss his temple to comfort him when he comes back to k/3/5 to find Eddie so distraught

ANYWAY... yeah, thinking lots of thoughts about them <3 so sorry for the huge paragraph tho 😭❤️

i think they should cuddle in a foxhole

eddie who's been in the marines and hasn't had the close physical contact of his family, and then losing his first marine buddies to the war + getting shuffled around from company to company so he doesn't really know anyone and misses out on physical touch until ack ack arrives makes me fucking violently unwell category five insane bitch moment being had rn. also yeah ack ack is SO touchy like ??? its defo the football. i know k co is having football huddles. ik ack ack is randomly giving out shoulder rubs becoz he did as football captain and coach for the muscle tension hes gotta help his boys! ik hes a MENACE trying to light eddies cigarettes or jokingly tuck eddies shirt back in becoz 'he's never out of regulation!'. Honestly K co probs see him walking with his arm around some officer's shoulders or his pal Ev like yeah thats our CO hes a football star and we love him. he is constantly patting hilb's shoulder or arm in the show it makes me fucking sick there was no need for any of that, eddies sad wet poncho scene and ack ack goes back for another pat before he leaves is in my manifesto. hanks i hope u know what ur responsible for!! lt ack ack patting this random 1st sgt out of habit and he flinches but then it becomes smth they both need when eddie becomes an lt and joins k co and they're disgustingly pining for each other.... eddie fully not knowing how to react to ack ack throwing an arm around his shoulder or slapping his back to say hello... (sidenote: eddie knowing ack ack is super friendly and nice to everyone and really wishing he was special and it meant more. gonna be ill call me in two days) Terrible if they wake up kinda entangled in their foxholes occasionally with ack acks arm around him and eddie is all... lemme just scooch over a bit more while ur still asleep xx ack ack is not asleep and also panicking becoz eddie is running his fingers over the scars on his forearms. sick. smth about their nonverbal touch and body language and being able to read each other is sooo important to them. eddie trying to reciprocate ack acks touch but hes just awkward and strange about it. there is literally so much about it. you could fill 300k words with it and it would not be enough. also them play fighting becoz ik ack ack can tackle. wheres the fic!!!!!!!!!

[liamthemailman]

♠️♥️House of Cards♣️♦️

♦️Jack of Diamonds♦️

Private Kyle 'Jack' Harper's Bio

- Information -

Name : Kyle Harper

Codename : Jack

Status : Alive

Rank : Private

Citizenship : American

Bit of a wild card, no?

- Physical Profile -

Height: 5'7 feet

Gender : ? [he/her/they]

Age : 21 years old

Blood type: AB Pos

Eye color: Light Brown

Hair color: Light Blond

Tattoos : Right forearm

Additional Notes : Ear piercings to be removed as ordered

- Personality -

Jack is easily the most outgoing person in any room. He seems to always have energy despite having gone through rigorous training or having just returned from a week long operation. It's easy for Jack to spread this positive influence among his friends but people can find Jack annoying when his energy is misplaced.

Jack is cocky. She thinks she's hot shit. While she is performing quite well for her little experience, Jack is far from the best. Jack lives by the motto of 'Fake it till you make it'.

In addition to their cocky behavior, Jack is not the easiest recruit to deal with. Jack does follow orders when required of them, but that is about as far as they would go. Jack is purposefully leaving in their piercings or generally being a bit of a brat, all trivial matters, and giving his superiors headaches.

This however, does not stop Jack from being the most loyal recruit to his team. Jack always has an eye out for her fellow soldiers, even helping out her superiors when their hour of need arises. Jack always tries to make it even with anyone who's helped them.

- Skill Set -

Weapon(s) : Jack relies on questionable gadgets to help him out in fights, ranging from dummy grenades to dupe his enemies to flat out thermal weapons like Molotov cocktails. Now, Jack isn't able to use fire in battle, so he turns to bombs.

Combat Style : The skills Jack picked up are skills taught to her by her mentor(s). This means he's learning marksmanship and close combat.

Specialized skill : While Jack has no solid specialized skill as of yet, they have a really good pair of legs, being able to outrun and outjump nearly everyone.

- Background -

Jack had always known he wanted to protect the community. That and she really didn't see herself at a boring job till she retires. Originally, Jack had planned on becoming a firefighter, but soon Jack learned that her passion lied with fires, not putting them out. So, Jack opted for the military when he reached of age right after his family relocated to Britain.

In the military however, Jack found themselves in a less than desirable situation of being underestimated. For being so short and unfamiliar with the local customs. Jack vowed not to let this weigh him down, using is as fuel to pass selection.

Jack's loud persona soon caught the attention of a certain Lieutenant Ace. Jack doesn't understand that Ace saw a bit of his past self in them. Causing trouble and diving head first into problems without a second thought. Jack continued to train under Ace until he was told that she had been recommended into joining Task Force Cards. Jack would grow attached to Ace, thinking of him as a good friend and lowkey father figure to herself.

There, Jack met King. King doubted him from the get-go, but seeing it was Ace who insisted that Jack is a strapping young man with lots of potential to grow into a good soldier, Jack was them welcomed into the team. King would then learn that Jack was reckless, needlessly loud and outright rebellious. They both keep it barely civil, but don't interact outside of work.

Jack met Queen right after meeting King. King had assigned Queen to mentor Jack, not knowing Ace was already guiding Jack in his own ways. Jack takes in stride, weighing out that the two had valuable skills they could pick up. Despite Queen obviously trying to straighten out Jack, he didn't get shaped according to her norm. Jack didn't find himself liking Queen, but she was loyal to her despite it all.

- Additional Information -

Jack carries around a rope everywhere, being able to utilize this piece of material in many scenarios. Jack is looking to use it in fights after seeing the use of the Punjab Lasso in Phantom of the Opera. Though, Jack doesn't like to admit they found inspiration for it through theatre

Jack doesn't bother to hide his love for fire. Jack would carry at least one source of fire on himself, be it a lighter or a box of matches. Jack also makes her own bombs, building for a more fiery reaction when set off. Her goal is to one day be able to roast an enemy with fire instead of a bomb. Just your local arsonist fighting against the Geneva convention.

Jack is the easiest person, and often the go-to for companionship. Jack cracks the best jokes and laughs at his own lame jokes and funny shenanigans. Jack smiling widely is also very cute, which says even more when all their teeth are jagged and sharp. Jack is also the recruit the called Ace's smile weird. She stands by what she says.

- Favourites -

Drink: Monster Mango Loco

Food: Strawberry Cake

Animal: Jackrabbits

Hobby: Going for jogs or walks along the beach, collecting lighters

Weather: Sunny beaches and clear blue skies

Song: Bad Boy - Yung Bae, bbno$, Billy Marchiafave

Colour: Neon pink

Flower: White Rose

Moodboard :

[lestapiastrisgirl]

Masterlist of Masterlists

Formula 1 Masterlist

F*ck About It [Lestappen]

by lestapiastrisgirl | M | 5/5 | 30,871

This year has been hard on Charles. Not only on the track but at home too. He loves Max to death, but he swears Max will be the death of him.

~

Love About It [Lestappen]

by lestapiastrisgirl | M | 3/? | 25,069

This story picks up immediately after F*ck About It.

New season. New team. New teammates. New obstacles. What could go wrong?

~

Poetry [Lestappen]

by lestapiastrisgirl | M | 3/3 | 18,372

In the winding streets of Monaco, Max finds himself drawn to a quiet bookstore—and to the reserved, thoughtful man who runs it. What begins as a simple encounter slowly unearths buried vulnerabilities, as both men grapple with the weight of their pasts and the fragile hope of connection. Their two lives collide, while moments of stillness and understanding challenge them to risk their carefully guarded hearts.

~

The Third Piece [Lestapiastri]

by lestapiastrisgirl | E | 17/? | 103,697

Oscar forced himself to hold his gaze, even as his pulse hammered against his ribs. Charles crouched slightly, leaning in until they were at eye level. “I know what you’re thinking,” he murmured, his voice low and intimate. “You think Max is the one you should be afraid of.” Oscar swallowed hard, his throat tight. “You’re wrong,” Charles said simply, straightening with a smile that didn’t belong on someone so deadly. “But you’ll figure that out soon enough.”

~

This Is What I Get [Landoscar]

by lestapiastrisgirl | M | 1/1 | 13,538

The thing about drowning, Oscar thought, was that it didn’t feel like drowning. Not at first. At first, it was just the sensation of being pulled under. Just a little. Not enough to panic. Not enough to thrash and scream. You told yourself you could hold your breath, that you’d float back to the surface eventually. But then came the pressure, that creeping weight pressing down on your chest, subtle and unrelenting. That was what no one told you: drowning wasn’t the struggle to breathe. It was the waiting. And waiting was all Oscar ever seemed to do these days.

~

This Is What I've Done [Landoscar]

by lestapiastrisgirl | M | 3/3 | 16,827

Oscar was the one who never expected anything from him—who never asked for anything in return, who never told him to be better, or stronger, or enough. And maybe that’s why Lando kept coming back to him. Because when everything else felt like it was slipping out of his control—when every lap felt slower, every race felt harder, and every smile in front of a camera felt more and more like a lie—Oscar was there. And Lando could take what he needed from him.

This is Lando's POV of This Is What I Get

~ This is What We've Become [Landoscar]

by lestapiastrisgirl | M | 2/2 | 15,210

The weight of the evening hung heavy in the dimly lit living room. Oscar had arrived nearly an hour ago, eyes red and swollen, his backpack slung loosely over one shoulder like it might fall off at any moment. He hadn’t said much—barely anything, really—but the tears had started almost as soon as Charles opened the door.

~~~

Haikyuu!! Masterlist

Give You Love [BokuAka]

by lestapiastrisgirl | 10/10 | NR | 46,796

Akaashi Keiji faces the pressures of school and family while navigating his deepening relationship with Bokuto Koutaro. As they grow closer, the challenges of being open about their feelings weigh on Akaashi, especially under the scrutiny of others. With Bokuto’s unwavering support, Akaashi begins to find his footing, and together, they focus on their shared goal: leading their volleyball team to Nationals, despite the obstacles that stand in their way.

~

Overdrive [IwaOi]

by lestapiastrisgirl | 9/9 | NR | 27,095

Iwaizumi Hajime, a former MotoGP racer, struggles with life after a career-ending accident. Isolated and restless, he’s invited by Bokuto to an underground street race, where he unexpectedly encounters Oikawa Tooru. Watching Oikawa dominate the race with a custom-built car, Iwaizumi is impressed by his skill and drive. The thrill of the event stirs something in Iwaizumi, and though he tries to push it away, he can’t shake the pull of the racing world he thought he’d left behind.

~

Slipstream [BokuAka]

by lestapiastrisgirl | 12/12 | NR | 42,616

Akaashi Keiji prepares for his Formula 1 debut at the Bahrain Grand Prix, determined to prove himself amid accusations of nepotism. His confidence is shaken when Bokuto Koutarou, a mechanic from Vetra Dynamics, unexpectedly joins the race as a last-minute substitute, starting from the back. Despite having no formal racing background, Bokuto’s raw, instinctive driving style allows him to surge through the pack. As the race progresses, Akaashi’s calculated precision is tested when Bokuto closes in, leading to an intense battle between the two, neck and neck for position. F1 Team Concepts

[journen]

Okay!! Because I'm not a huge fan of the format of long twitter threads, and this whole thing got kinda long 😅 I figured it could be best to post these story idea ramblings to Tumblr! So lol, prepare for some ramblings sabout my Ghost and Soap AU that's post MW2 campaign where Simon leaves the army to raise his nephew after his fam are killed.

This is all based off the au from this fic I wrote 🙈 if you want more context, you can find some here!

I just have a lot of ideas for this au and wanted to share some that I'll probably never be able to write, but yeah. Lmk if you guys have any thoughts! 😊

I guess TW too for: mentioned child injury, mentioned murder, references to Ghost's past from the comics. There's nothing graphic tho!

--------------------

Price swears to Simon, in that hospital room a few days after the attack on Simon's fam, where Jo is lying injured and unconscious, but stable, that he will track down Roba and his men to get justice. He makes it a vow.

Theres not much development on the case for years tho. Maybe, after it initially happened, there was a brief investigation into it, but they ran into a lot of issues getting jurisdiction to operate in Mexico so the case went dry.

So, Simon has to learn to live with the fact that the people who did this to his family, and who tortured him, are still alive out there somewhere. But his nephew is his first priority, and he's accepted that too. He's not going to carelessly risk his life so he can't be there to raise his orphaned nephew in the name of revenge.

I don't think Simon, at this stage of his life, would be a violent revenge seeker? Perhaps if he is pushed too far, but let's not go there yet hahhaha.

Also, he's with Soap too, who helps ground him and keep him level headed.

Anyways, years later, Price calls Simon up, telling him of their update on the case. Maybe Roba has been located, and they only have a few day window to act. 

Price shows him the layout of the compound. Simon recognizes it. It's where he was kept captive for months all those years ago. Price offers that, if he wants, there's a spot on the squad for him. His Intel could be valuable. And he's cleared it with a lot of the other high ups to bring Simon along, or just didn't give them a choice, lol. (I have no idea if this would actually be possible irl, to have an SAS soldier who left the ranks, rejoin for a covert mission, but bare with me. Price can make it happen in this AU 🤣)

Simon has been out of active service for 5/6 years at this point though. And Price is asking him if he wants back in for one final op. Joseph is now around 10 years old maybe. He and Soap have been in a steady relationship for 5, Soap still serving in the military.

Anyways, cue big moment of Ghost picking up his old skull mask again. One he hasn't worn in 6 years. Holding the fabric brings back a lot of old memories for him. It feels heavy in his hands. He had changed so much since when he was the man who wore this mask...

but he still had it in him. He knew he did, deep down.

But did he want to *go* there, was he ready? Was it appropriate?

Would he be letting down Joseph though, if he agreed to this op?

What would Soap's feelings on the matter be?

But ultimately, Ghost agrees to it. I think he would need to take some time to consider it though. Maybe talk it through with the bf, Soap. But I think Simon would come to the conclusion that the team would be safest with him on the squad because of his existing knowledge of the compound. And he'd maybe feel safer being there himself, there to try to help the others if they run into trouble fighting his demons.

He does tell Price he has one condition about the op though, is that nobody dies. And he doesn't plan on dying either. He has to live for Joseph, and for Soap, too.

Jo is maybe 9 or 10 at this point. When Simon and Soap go away, I don't think Simon would tell Jo the real nature of his mission. He wouldn't lie to him, but the truth is a lot for a 10 year old to take in right? Maybe he says the mission is going to be scary, but that he's going to do his best to make sure they all make it back okay.

Maybe Joseph stays with one of Soap's sisters.

Ghost feels terrible to do this to Jo but he has to stop Roba from doing this again.

And blabkabla stuff happens and Simon makes it back okay tho yayyyyy 🤣

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 20 - 616

The Zarrow Shuffle by gottalovev

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 9,180 Tags: Identity Porn, Matchmaking, Team as Family

Summary: When they notice that Steve seems to have a mysterious - and possibly bad for him - girlfriend, Nat and Clint investigate. Steve just wishes they'd stop prying into his personal life, especially since he is trying to keep a secret.

Reasons why I love it: Oh my god, this is everything I love about identity porn. All the misunderstandings and wrong conclusions, it's hilarious. I love how Steve and Tony take advantage of the situation, and the team feels are amazing. This fic is lovely, and you should definitely give it a read, if you haven't already!

When I Was New by isozyme

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 5,010 Tags: Time Travel, Soulmates, Angst with a Bittersweet Ending

Summary: On screen, Kang’s standing on top of a bus in the center of a wrecked intersection. He’s holding a dark-haired, gangly teenager, clearly using the kid as a bargaining chip. At this point, Kang is clearly losing the fight and is looking for an escape route. Steve winces as Kang hurls his human shield in the direction of the camera and bolts. The poor teen bounces on the pavement, bangs his head, then skids to a rest close enough to make out his face in the video. Steve almost drops the tablet. The kid is Tony. He’s at least fifteen years younger, mustache barely grown in, and bleeding from his forehead, but -- still Tony.

Reasons why I love it: Holy shit, I'm so glad for the ending because my heart was ripping itself in two for a while there. There's so much emotion in the dialogue, and I absolutely adore Steve's inner thoughts about the younger Tony and what he represents. This fic is incredible, and I hope you check it out for yourself!

A Slow and Steady Rush by msermesth

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 9,451 Tags: Pining, Sparring, Sexual Dysfunction

Summary: Tony watches as Steve blinks, once, twice, five times. Oh. He’s been staring. He wrenches his gaze away to the dartboard on the other side of the bar; his eyes blur with the sudden movement. It’s been a while since he’s been this close to Steve when nothing but conversation had been happening, it makes sense he’d forget his well-honed skill at pretending he isn’t head-over-heels madly in love with him. That’s just another thing he’s going to have to teach this new body.

Reasons why I love it: There's something really beautiful about their connection here. Tony relating to Steve in an unexpected way, and Steve reassuring Tony that it's alright, he'll find his way back to himself. I love it. Definitely check this one out, because it's wonderful!

Wonders of the World (The Keep Me Safe from Harm Remix) by Sineala

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 9,848 Tags: Snowed In, Pining, Getting Together

Summary: Steve, America's top cop, meets Tony, in the middle of launching Resilient, in a hotel room in Seattle. There, Steve finds unexpected comfort in Tony's presence. It wasn't supposed to be an assignation. But then, a snowstorm wasn't supposed to strand them together, either.

Reasons why I love it: They're so in love, it warms my heart. I love how the whole smut scene is interspersed with these little moments where they laugh or banter and just enjoy themselves. It's so sweet and the perfect way to heal the emotional hurt from earlier on in the fic. I adore this one, and you should definitely read it!

I'll Give You Gifts Until You Know My Name by Amuly

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 10,507 Tags: Christmas Fluff, Secret Identity, First Kiss

Summary: Mr. Stark is an extravagant gift-giver: he has the money for it, after all. As Iron Man, Tony has the opportunity to gift Steve even more presents that, while less expensive, are more heartfelt. Having a secret identity means Tony gets to have his cake and eat it too when it comes to showering Steve with presents. Until Steve starts developing feelings for his armored companion, and all the benefits of living a double life are turned on their head for Tony Stark.

Reasons why I love it: I really enjoyed seeing all the gifts Tony came up with for Steve in both of his personas. And Steve's final gift for Tony is just perfect – Steve is a troll and a romantic wrapped into one jumbo sized super-package. I love this fic, and I bet you will too, so please check if out if you haven't already!

[walder-138]

Okay, Pookie. I forgot my precious ask, so I’ll send in new ones for the other OC ask game. 👁️👄👁️

5. what was your character's dream job as a kid? is it different than what their career ended up being?

6. what is the thing your oc likes the least about themselves?

16. how does your OC feel about their parents? (No hope for Ozzy and Annika 😭)

23. what are your OC’s biggest flaws and biggest strengths?

26. least favorite food and color?

28. is your OC a dog or cat person?

Pookie I’m so sorry 😭

(5) Oz’s dream job was to play in the NFL, which he was extremely close to doing. He loved football, was very talented and got an athletic scholarship to a college known for its team. Two years in, ‘68, his little brother, Johnny, gets drafted. For Oz’s entire life, he was the one expected to go into the military as the oldest, so the guilt he had overwhelmed him into joining as well. That’s why he joined the Army.

Annika wanted to be a Veterinarian because of “her” childhood dog. (some crusty ass stray she found on the side of the street) He got sick and died, and she wanted to stop that from happening to other animals. (Boris is literally the reason why Annika has any semblance of empathy. Dawg was the best)

Now… oh shit. She’s a mass murderer who kills people for a living, dead opposite of what she wanted to be. Oh well, lives a bitch and then you die.

Abbey, as a kid, wanted to do anything that supported her caregivers’ ideology, which she truly didn’t know jackshit about. She thought that they could do nothing wrong and needed support; she would’ve died for them. Instead, Abbey also took the exact opposite route. She went into the FBI to take those people down. Another drastic change in the list.

(6) Oz hates who he was between leaving Vietnam and having Jenny. “A depressed, abusive, drug-addicted piece of human shit.” as he calls it. He hates it when he exhibits any behaviors that remind himself of that time. If Oz yells at Jenny, or feels the urge to relapse, he punishes himself by not taking care of himself.

Annika hates that she isn’t as ruthless as she used to be. She’d used to kill for money, for power, now Annika can barely kill for self defense. She wishes she could go back to being apathetic, but now that scab’s been peeled off, and everything’s bleeding out.

Abbey hates how obsessive she is. Not stalker-like obsessed; I’m talking obsessive-compulsive obsessed. There’s a constant presence in her head telling her how she should be, what she must do or else something terrible will happen. How deeply she thinks about how somebody else’s acting. Girl barely sleeps at night because of her rituals.

(16) Oz HATES his father. That monster abused him physically, emotionally, and psychologically for his entire life. Nobody believed him growing up that his father was abusive, not even his siblings, because Old Man Clancy was a ‘war hero’. War hero his ass. All Ozzy saw was a monster.

However, he was a Mama’s boy through and through. She was the only person that believed him, as she went through the abuse herself. They spoke to each other in German when Old Man Clancy was away and made dinner together for rest of the family. Best memories of his life with his mom.

Annika, it depends which AU. In the original one, with her as Bell? She couldn’t care less about her parents. They never had that ‘love and attention” thing that y’all seem to be obsessed with. Her parents were more coworkers than parents. Everything was transactional within the “family”.

However, in the AU where her dad becomes Bell, she’s only about 9. Girl looks up to him, wanting to do all the things he does, and loves him more than anything. Well, she was in one of the cars during the airport thing at the beginning of the story, so now she thinks he’s dead. She was screaming out for her dad while Mason was carrying her off.

Can’t do Abbey as she doesn’t know her parents 🙃

(23) Keeping this one short:

Oz’s greatest flaw: Chronically low self-esteem; dude hates himself so much he unknowingly takes it out on everyone around him.

Oz’s greatest strength: Resilience; dudebro’s gone through hell and back, and is already up for round 4. He ain’t giving up any time soon.

Annika’s greatest flaw: Pookie look at her. Her lack of empathy; she can’t understand other’s emotions too well.

Annika’s greatest strength: Her ruthlessness. She don’t give a SHIT. She will get the job done.

Abbey’s greatest flaw: She’s a perfectionist, about herself and the people around her.

Abbey’s greatest strength: Her genuine kindness.

(26) Oz is a macho man, he hates the color pink. Dawg has PTSD surrounding non perishables, he will not eat canned food cause he found a BUNCH OF COCKROACHES IN A CAN OF CORN DURING HIS DEPLOYMENT AHHHHHHH HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET IN THERE????

Annika hates meat. She’s a vegetarian, the smell of meat makes her gag. She’ll throw up if she has to eat it. She doesn’t like the color orange, reminds her of Captain Asshole (Adler).

What food DOESN’T Abbey hate? Girl is very picky, but her least favorite is ONIONS BECAUSE THEY SUCK. ONIONS SUCK. I FUCKING HATE ONIONS. THEYRE DISGUSTING. HOW COULD YOU ENJOY THEM???? SHE WILL GAG. Oh and her least favorite color is blue 😊

(28) Oz is a cat person through and through. Dogs remind him of Vietnam.

Annika doesn’t give a shit. If it has 0-4 legs, 0-2 eyes, makes an adorable noise (or tries to), she will LOVE it. Get her a rat, she’ll love and cherish it.

Abbey’s a dog person. They’re so funny and are always happy, and always serve as a good distraction.

THANKS FOR THE OTHER ASK! ITS ALWAGS NICE HEARING FROM MY POOKIE BEAR ❤️

[l00na24]

I Got Your Six - Chapter 2

Warnings: Mentions of death

Word Count: 5.8k

Now…

“Man, that guy nearly shit himself!”

“Oh my god, Mick! Stop it already!” I said embarrassed to my teammate as we arrived at base from our last mission.

“He’s lucky he’s still alive.” Countered another one of my team in a more serious tone.

“How about you stop reminding me and rather go to the colonel for report?” I asked with a raised eyebrow and looked at the three men walking next to me.

“She’s right, give her a break from all your shit already.” The last of the three chimed in, laughing and shaking his head slightly.

“Thanks, Luc.” Letting out a relieved breath, I looked over to him.

“Always got your back, girl. You know that.” He patted me brotherly on the arm a few times and gave me an honest smile.

“Just stop already, you two!” Mick shouted in fake disgust, groaning.

“And he’s not the only one.” The second man added a moment later, clearly ignoring Mick’s comment and looking at me with a reassuring smile too.

“Gross, Alex! Gross!” Mick stuck his tongue out at that, making a fake gagging motion.

“We love you too, Mick.” Luc retorted with a wink toward his friend.

“Okay, okay, I’m going! Jeeessssee!” Mick lifted his hands up in defeat and started to break away from the group to make his way over to the colonel’s office.

“Don’t have too much fun without me and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, boys!” He shouted a second later for probably the whole base to hear.

“Fuck you, Mick!” Alex called back to him loudly, sighing and shaking his head about the ridiculousness of his teammate.

A barely there smile crossed my face for a second at their antics. I couldn’t be more grateful to have these three men, well, formally four, before we lost someone 2 years ago.

Not wanting to think about it for another second and get lost in my thoughts, I shifted my attention back to the two men currently with me.

We had been a team for 8 years now, ever since… the split from my first team that I had called my family. I never saw anyone of them again after that day. Never heard from them ever again since.

Stop! Just stop thinking about it!

It was a really hard time for me back then and I wasn’t sure if I’d survive it. More than once did I wish to die on one of the many battlefields I found myself on after. It would have been better than the painful suffering I was going through every second of every single day. But it never happened, so I was forced to get through it somehow, try to learn and live with it somehow. Get back up again and move on. Try to erase even the smallest bits related to those memories I held so deeply locked up inside of me and wished to forget forever.

“Hey, you alright?” A voice pulled me out of my thoughts suddenly.

“Hm? Oh yeah, sorry. Got lost in my head.” I answered after not responding for a moment.

“Only wanted to make sure you’re with us.” Alex smiled at me caringly, looking into my eyes. He knew there was more behind it but didn’t press on the subject, knowing I would tell them when I wanted to.

“We should get some rest, I’m already falling asleep walking.” Luc suggested from my right and had to restrain a yawn that threatened to escape him.

“Sounds good.” I answered and looked ahead of me around the base. Enjoying the quiet moment with them while we were able to.

“Ah! There you are!” Mick’s voice cut through the silence all of a sudden, that had settled around us before we nearly had reached our bunks.

Stopping and turning around surprised, I saw him coming toward us.

“Aaaand the silence is gone.” Alex commented sarcastically with a little sigh, knowing the most active of our little group was back with his loud and probably never shutting mouth.

 A little chuckle escaped me.

“What’s so funny over there?” Mick picked up immediately on it with a questioning glance.

“Alex thought, he wouldn’t have to deal with your annoying ass anymore today before sleeping.” Luc answered with a knowing grin toward him.

“Ha! You know you can’t get rid of me! Aaaaannnd you love me! Admit it!” Mick retorted with a matching wide grin on his face, pointing with his finger at Alex and dramatically pretending to be hurt with a hand over his heart.

“God, stop it already, would you? I had to deal enough with you on the flight back! Give me a break, please.” Alex huffed out, not meaning what he said.

“Why are you back so quickly anyway? Did the colonel have enough of you already and threw you out the second you walked in his office?” He added, crossing his arms and eyeing his soldier brother.

“No. And colonel Sanders wouldn’t do that! He sent me back to give this to Y/N!” Mick explained and showed us an envelope that he held in his right hand toward me.

“What is that?” I asked surprised, not knowing from who it was or what it could be. I never got any mails. There was no one who could send me anything that I knew of. Looking at it as if I never had seen such a thing in my life.

“I don’t know but the colonel said, it got delivered here a few days ago.” He told us and looked down at it too.

“Anything you wanna tell us maybe?” Luc joined in and raised his left eyebrow questioningly at me.

“What? No! You know there’s no one.” I shot back at him with an uncertain look.

“From who is it then? Come on, open it!” Mick asked and encouraged me, already exited with the idea about who could’ve sent me something.

My look went from him back to the envelope I held in my hand, inspecting it more carefully. There was no address, no name or anything that indicated from who it was. Only my name was neatly written in the middle of the front.

Noticing my hesitation and uncertainty, Luc cut in to defend me.

“Hey, stop pushing her, man.”

“Whatever it is, isn’t your business anyway, Mick.” Alex reminded him and shot him a stern look, already thinking of what it could be and where it could possibly go.

“No, it’s okay.” I said after a quick pause and looked at the three men surrounding me.

“I just hope it’s none of those…” My thoughts went straight to the condolences we got when our teammate died. I couldn’t see any more of those, cause they made me sick each time I had to look at one, reading the same lines over and over.

It’s my fault…

“It won’t. I’m sure of it. Whatever it is, take your time and open it when you’re ready for it.” Luc said while he put his arm around my shoulder and pressed me softly against his side.

“You know we’re here for you. Always.” Alex reminded me, grabbing and squeezing my right hand reassuringly while he gave me a knowing look.

“Thank you, guys. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I thanked them honestly, trying to keep my emotions in check.

“Probably getting lost and ending up dead somewhere.” Mick tried to lift the situation and cracked a joke, hoping it would make me laugh and forget the dark thoughts that started to gather in my mind.

“Eres un idiota. (You are an idiot.)” Alex cursed in Spanish at him, giving him a clap on the back of his head. Letting the Spanish blood show, that was flowing within him.

“You know I don’t understand that shit.” The other man commented, rubbing his head and pulled away Alex’ hand, pretending to be offended.

“Okay, okay, stop it, you two.” I tried to interfere their bickering, knowing already that they could go on for hours if they wanted and I was too exhausted to deal with that right now again. I had to witness it countless times before and wasn’t about to add another one to it in this moment.

As Mick was about to probably make another smart remark, he got interrupted by Luc.

“You heard the captain, fellas. Stop your shit and lay your asses down for a few hours.”

“Not that she can say that by herself…” Alex chuckled quietly to himself.

“Luc’s right, guys. I’m getting tired too. Let’s get some sleep and I’ll see you later.” I told them, stowing away the envelope and waving them goodbye while I started to walk in the direction of my bunk.

I wasn’t really tired and the boys presumably knew it too but didn’t say anything, knowing me way too well after all those years together. Just like them.

They knew I had trouble sleeping when I was newly assigned to them, but I was barely sleeping now after what had happened 2 years ago, trying to avoid it as best as I could to not being forced to relive another of those nightmares. Too scared of waking up, only to realize all of it would be true and I wasn’t dreaming.

Who would send me something?

I put down all the things I had carried with me when I reached my bunk. Sitting down and staring holes in the white piece of paper with my name on it that I brought out of where I had put it.

Y/N

Trying to decipher who’s handwriting it could be, I was going through every possible one I could think of in my head but came up empty.

Should I open it?

I didn’t know why, but something made my stomach turn when I looked at it. It was a feeling in my gut I couldn’t explain and I didn’t like it either. I could easily just throw it away and never think of it again but somehow I was also drawn to it at the same time.

Sighing heavily, I stood up again and laid the still untouched envelope on my bed and dragged a hand across my face while taking a few steps around the room. Giving me a moment to think about what to do.

If I just tried to ignore it, I knew I would end up thinking all day about it, the thoughts about what it could possibly contain running wild in my mind. But if I opened it and it contained the very thing I feared already for, I wasn’t sure how I’d react and the thought was already scaring me enough.

“Fuck this.” I said after I stopped in front of my bed again and looked down on the tempting piece of paper.

Reaching for it and sitting back down after my curiosity had finally won, I carefully opened it.

Not a second later after looking at its content, I dropped it as if I had burned my hand on it, not believing what I read.

No, no, no, no, no…. There was no god damn way in hell this could be real!

I jumped up and ran across the room toward the door, turning around after a moment to look at the paper that was now on the floor and slowly sinking down with my back against it after a minute of straight staring at the offending item in my room.

My breath began to pick up immediately and my hands started to shake. I could feel almost tears coming up too. I felt like someone had just ripped my already non-existent heart out of me a second time.

How the fuck was this possible? Why? And why now all of a sudden?

You only imagine this, Y/N! You know there’s no way of this happening! Snap out of it! I tried convincing myself without actually believing it.

What had I done in my life to deserve this? Was it some sick way of fate to get back on me for all the things I had done? My punishment for all my mistakes and choices I made? To remind me who I was?

“Why would you do that?” I spoke to myself, louder this time. Still in absolute disbelieve about what I was looking at.

The letters that couldn’t be, that must be horribly wrong. Or was this all someone’s sick joke? But if so, wouldn’t it have been way earlier then? Why would someone wait that long and drop something like this now? It didn’t make sense, in every way possible. The thought that someone was playing me nor that it could actually be really true.

How did it even get in here? Was no one questioning it?

I was reading the small text on it over and over again to try and figure out what this was.

Can we talk?

S.

Sunny’s Café,

FL, 33675, Eastwood Road

2 PM,

06.21.2019

The date written on it was in two days. Enough time to think about if I really wanted to follow his invitation or not. But first I had to ask the colonel for permission to leave anyway if I was forced to meet him somewhere in Florida. Why was he there? I remembered, that some of the guys used to live there when they were on leave but I didn’t know if that was still true. They always tried to get me to go there with them but I declined each time and stayed at the base. I didn’t want to interfere with their private lives too.

Was he with them right now? Was that the reason he was here? Or what was he doing down there?

“I should have never opened this shit.”

Was I ready to dig up everything that happened in the past? To face one of the persons I hoped to never see ever again? What was I even supposed to say to him when he was in front of me? ‘Hey, I’m sorry that I ran from you and never wanted to see you again?’

Sounds really convincing. Fucking pathetic.

I picked up the paper and put it back neatly folded in the envelope. Turning it around to the front, I looked over the handwriting of my name again and let out a frustrated sigh.

Standing back up, I walked across and put it on the table that was standing on the other end of the room. Then I quickly searched my bag next to it for some fresh clothes to sleep in before heading to bed and finally get some rest, hopefully.

I’d talk to the colonel in the morning and would decide then what I was gonna do. And I had to talk with the boys about it too. The past would always catch up with me, one way or another. Regardless how hard I tried to run from it. I was doomed to be chained to it forever.

The next morning, 7 AM, North Carolina, Fort Bragg

It was still early when I got up, only being able to close my eyes for three to four hours at best. I went through my morning routine and was on my way to colonel Sanders after. I needed to get this over with as fast as possible.

With fast steps I approached his office, knowing the colonel was already up too. I knocked three times lightly and waited till he beckoned me in.

“Good morning, Y/N. Already up I see, like always. How are you?” He greeted me with a smile and made a gesture with his hand for me to sit down and take a seat before him.

“Good morning, commander. I’m okay, I think. I wanted to talk to you about something.” I greeted him back and sat down in the chair, knowing this wouldn’t be an easy conversation and it was probably best to sit down for it.

“Nice to hear that, I hope you got some rest. And what can I do for you?” Sanders asked and watched me with an attentive gaze. Trying to find out if I was honest with him about my wellbeing or not. He knew about my sleeping problems and that I had a habit to conceal how I really felt. So he was always the most careful over me after everything and on guard about the slightest of changes in my behavior.

I pulled out the envelope and handed it to him.

“Ah, so you received it.” He commented and took it from me, inspecting it.

“Yes, Mick gave it to me as soon as he came back.” I answered, not yet giving away what fatal content it entailed.

“Another one of those?” Sanders questioned, referring to the condolence cards I had gotten before.

“No, not quite.” I said and looked at the paper with a grim look.

Noticing my change in tone, he looked back up at me. He knew I never got any mails from anyone besides them.

I returned his look and held his gaze for a moment before I sighed heavily, knowing what was about to come.

“What is it then?”

“I hoped you could tell me that.”

Sanders eyes went back and forth between the envelope and me for a second before he asked for my permission to open it and take a look.

“Can I?”

“Sure.” I cut myself short and watched him.

There was a moment of silence between us when he opened the folded paper and read the text on it. Shortly after, his head shot back up and his eyes grew a bit wider.

“Is it from who I think it is?” Sanders asked the question I had already anticipated with genuine surprise in his voice.

“I think so, yes.” I answered with a small nod toward him and looked to the ground right after, not wanting to longer stare at the thing in his hand than needed.

“Did you know anything about this?” I added with an uncertain voice, searching his face for any reaction.

“No, I didn’t. I’m quite surprised myself.” The colonel answered honestly and ran a hand over his chin, leaning back in his seat.

“Why now? Why after 8 years?” My question came out with a more vulnerable voice than I intended to, and I started fidgeting with my fingers in my lap. Hating to talk about the still highly sensitive subject I tried to avoid at all costs.

“Maybe he wants to make peace with you? Do you wanna talk to him?” He wanted to know, eyeing me now more seriously.

“I’m… not sure.” With a huff I stood up crossing my arms, not being able to sit still any longer and getting more upset by the second.

“All of this is partly my fault too.” The colonel suddenly said.

Not knowing what he meant, I raised my eyebrows at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I told the boys back then to leave you alone for the time being and give you space. I thought you’d go back to them eventually, but I didn’t believe you’d never talk to them again.” Sanders apologized and stood up too, rounding the side of his table till he was in front of me.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I quickly deflected, a little surprised at his revelation but I appreciated his care for me none the less. He couldn’t have known that it was my plan all along after that fateful day.

“Y/N.” He came a step closer, trying to caress my arm but I jerked back as fast as I could.

“No!” I almost shouted and took a step backwards.

“Why did he have to do this? Why now? Why?!” Feeling my breathing pick up, I tried to calm myself and not to allow any emotions to surface.

“You know you should talk to him. Make your peace with it, so you can get closure.” Deep down I knew he was right but to get myself to that point was a loosing battle. I’d never get closure from the endless guilt I felt, the pain. No talk with anyone would change that. But the other part of me also was curious about what he had to say. I didn’t have this weird feeling in my gut for no reason, I was sure of it.

“The date on it is in two days. I will need some time off if I should really go there.” I explained after taking a breath.

“You know, you don’t need to ask, Y/N. You never took any time off since you’ve been here. And if it helps you to finally make your peace with it, I’ll gladly give it to you.” I didn’t know how I deserved his kindness, that I could never thank him enough for. It was a mystery to me why colonel Sanders of all people cared so much about me, he was my superior after all but somehow a really good friend too over the years since I arrived here for the first time after I enlisted and got promoted to serve in Delta Force.

“Thank you, for everything, commander.” I thanked him and he took another step and brought me in a hug, being mindful not to touch my back.

“We’re all here for you. They never cared for someone as much as you, so whatever he has to say, at least hear him out. They’d never deny you, you know that.” Damn him for always knowing the right words to say, like him. To find even the smallest crack in all of the walls I had build up around me and get right through without any effort. To contain the monster within, wallowing in its own darkness, only waiting for spilling blood again and its next kill to satisfy its need to destroy.

“I still need to talk to Luc, Mick and Alex about it. They don’t know yet.” I spoke into his body but still clear enough for him to understand.

“They’ll understand. They’ll have your back on this too, like always.” Colonel Sanders encouraged me and stroked my right arm.

No more words needed to be said in this moment, both of us knowing everything that needed to be said had been already said and I was just enjoying the closeness of a person I could truly trust and relax for a moment.

“I better go and talk to them about it then.” I returned after a minute of comfortable silence and pulled away from him, meeting his gaze that had softened.

“You should. I know you can do it, I believe in you, Y/N.” A smile appeared on his otherwise emotionless face before he took a step back, grabbed the envelope and piece of paper and handed it to me before Sanders watched me leave after I gave him a quiet appreciative nod as goodbye that he returned.

Now I only needed to tell my team the news about the mysterious envelope. What would they think about it?

He would have wanted me to…

“Why can’t you just be here?” I said quietly to myself, thinking of our dead teammate while looking in the morning sky above me and waiting for the boys to show up. It shouldn’t take long for them to wake up since they were early sleepers just like me. Thanks to the army.

“Already awake I see!” I heard a voice behind me a little while later.

“Mornin’.” I greeted Luc as he came walking out of the boys’ bunks, giving me a wave.

“How are we feelin’ today? Got some sleep?” He asked as he stopped beside me with a smile on his face.

“You know, the usual. Maybe three to four hours tops.” I replied and looked at the bunks again, waiting for the missing two.

“Had any nightmares?” The man next to me followed up with another question, wanting to know if he needed to be concerned or not.

“I wish.” I replied dryly with a sarcastic laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Luc couldn’t really make any sense out of my replies, but he didn’t know yet what I was about to tell them.

“I’ll tell you when the others are here.” I answered and tore away my gaze from the building to him.

He knew something was up then, not needing to voice another question.

“Already having fun without me?” Mick’s cheerful voice reached our ears not a minute later. How could someone be already in such a good mood in the morning? I’d never understand that.

“Someone needs to do your job when you’re not here, right?” Luc retorted and gave him a hug.

“So rude!” Mick commented and came over to pull me into a hug too.

“You know he doesn’t mean it.” I told him and returned his gesture.

“Still! You’re the captain here, you should do something about that!” He defended and pointed an accusing finger at me.

“Only up for a couple of minutes and already annoying people, huh, pendejo?” Alex finally showed up too, amused by what he had to witness that early in the morning.

“Oh no! Not you too! Shut it!” Mick turned around to face the last missing man of the team, feeling already offended by his comment and started their bickering from anew.

“Make me.” Alex challenged, throwing him a middle finger while he walked toward me and hugged me like his brothers, before he did the same with them.

“Good morning, you okay?” He asked quietly when he pulled me in, giving me an affectionate kiss on my right temple.

“Yeah.” I replied with the same volume. Relieved that I had my three most important men around me now.

“I have to tell you something.” I announced when they were finished with greeting each other.

“Uhhh! So you finally wanna admit to us that you got a secret boyfriend?” Mick joked with a grin, nudging me.

“I already told you, no! There’s no one and there never will be one, Mick.” He really couldn’t let this go, could he?

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t be like that! Who wouldn’t want to be your man? I mean, I wouldn’t say no, if you’d ask me.” He continued, being the optimist he was. How could he even think that someone would want me? Someone so broken and fucked up? A literal monster in any sense of the word? Hell no, I didn’t want to burden anyone with all my shit. I didn’t deserve anything but to suffer alone in my own personal hell forever.

“Whoa, whoa! Stop right there, hermano. She’d never voluntarily ask you to be her boyfriend. Not that she’d be interested in your annoying ass anyway.” Alex cut in his friend’s speech, crossing his arms and puffing out his chest to appear more threatening. Not in a real serious way tho, those three were best friends for a lifetime and would always stick together, no matter what.

“You know I can hear you over here, right?” I spoke up while both of them had a staring contest with each other, no one daring to give in.

“Just ignore them if they are not interested in what you have to say. You can tell me, I’m listening.” Luc said, giving me his full attention.

“You know we can hear you, right?” Mick repeated my words from earlier questioningly and narrowed his eyes at him.

“Not my fault if you don’t listen what our girl has to say.” Luc shrugged with his shoulders.

“Not listening? Pfff, he’s the one talking all day, not me. Don’t drag me into that shit.” Alex quickly defended himself.

“You can actually be grateful that I tolerate your ass here. But fine, what’s so important that you gotta tell us, Y/N?” Mick shot back at the Spanish man next to him with a glare before he too shifted his attention toward me.

“The stuff that’s in the envelope you gave me yesterday.” I answered with a serious tone, getting straight to the point and pulling said object out for them to see.

“Did you read it?” Noticing my seriousness, Alex curiously wanted to know.

“Unfortunately, yes.” I answered with a sigh and shifted on my feet, looking to the side away from them.

“Another one of those cards? If you want I can-” Before Luc could end his proposition, I cut him off.

“No, I wish it was. But it’s far more worse.”

“What could be worse than those stupid cards?” Mick chimed in with a snort, debating if he should inspect it more closely.

“Something that was supposed to never show up ever again.” The boys exchanged concerned glances at that, their thoughts already running over all possible options. Not liking to hear those words coming out of me.

“Is it something regarding… Vic?” Luc very carefully asked after debating if he should even dare to voice out his question, knowing it was the subject I absolutely denied speaking of.

“Don’t mention his name!” I immediately snarled at him in a warning tone, gritting my teeth. He knew not to touch this and NEVER bring up his name in my presence.

“Okay, okay. Sorry, Y/N. I just wanted to make sure.” He had raised his hands up, apologizing for his mistake of bringing up our dead teammate.

“What is it then?” Alex was right beside me in an instant, joining our hands in between our bodies and rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. He knew my heartrate had shot through the roof already at hearing that name.

“Just look at it already.” Not wasting more time, Mick took the envelope from me without hesitation and read over the paper.

“Who’s S?” He curiously asked, trying to figure out in his head who that letter could belong to.

“S?” Luc repeated with the same confused tone and looked from the paper to his friend, thinking of all the people he knew or heard of in relation with me.

Letting out a long, heavy sigh I let go of Alex’ hand and crossed my arms while I closed my eyes, not wanting to see their faces after my revelation.

“Santiago.”

For a minute a heavy silence had settled over us and nobody said a word, minds racing with all kinds of thoughts about that name.

“Wait! Hold up!” Mick was the first to break it and practically shot out his thoughts. All of us looked at him, waiting for what he could come up with.

“Isn’t that one of them? From your old team?”

“Yeah.” I already regretted mentioning the name.

“And now he suddenly decides that he wants to talk to you?! After 8 fucking years?!” It was really rare to see Mick getting upset or even slightly pissed off at something but right now, his voice was making it clear how he felt.

“I don’t know what he wants.” I huffed and locked eyes with him.

“Does the colonel know?” Luc joined in, concern heavy in his voice.

“Yes. We’ve talked about it when I showed him this morning.”

“What did he say?” Alex’ voice sounded from beside me, finally saying something after being quiet way too long for my liking.

“He suggested hearing him out, look what he has to say.” I told them the short version of the conversation with Sanders.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” Mick scoffed, shaking his head and shifting on his feet. He wasn’t onboard with the idea, it was written all over him. His now broader stance that showed his muscled body. The stance of a man that despite his cheerful and good nature knew damn well how to kill. This was business right now.

“You know that it’s her choice. You can’t deny her that, buddy.” Luc, always the voice of reason in the group of the four of us, tried to remind him.

“He’s right, hermano. It’s her choice.” Alex confirmed with a nod, sending me a reassuring smile that said I got you. Whatever you do, I’m with you.

Appreciating his gesture, I nodded back at him before I let my look wander over our group for a moment.

“He doesn’t deserve it.” Mick quietly grumbled more to himself when he turned around halfway, looking across the base with tightly crossed arms over his chest.

“What would you do?” I asked them, wanting to know what they would do in my place.

“Sending him back to the hell he crawled out of, obviously.” Looking back at me Mick seethed, because he knew and had to witness what I had to go through because of my old team. He never held a grudge against someone or even them but he hated if someone hurt me and he was just as protective of me like his friends and the colonel. So I understood where he was coming from and I hated myself too for even considering the idea of following the request of Santiago Garcia.

“We don’t know them and all the details, so I'm not sure. But I’d probably think about it.” Luc voiced his opinion, trying to remain neutral and grabbing his chin.

“You’re right. We don’t know what he wants but he must have a reason for sending you a letter after years to try and talk with you now. I hate to admit it, but I’d consider it too maybe.” The Spanish man of the group added his opinion on it too with a thoughtful voice.

“Are you both serious?!” Their brother Mick wasn’t very happy with their answers cause he had hoped, they’d be on his side with this, looking at them with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, turning his body around to them.

“It isn’t our call to make.” Alex reminded him again, that ultimately it was my decision to make and not them. It was my past I had to deal with. The consequences of the choices I made 8 years ago.

“Fine. But he hurts you again, he’s dead!” Mick threatened with a cold and deathly gaze straight in my eyes, pointing a finger at me.

“Okay. I’ll think about it I guess, there’s still time anyway. Thank you, boys. I really don’t know how I deserved you.” I thanked them in all honesty and tried to muster up somewhat of a smile toward them.

“Being the strongest girl we know. He’d be proud of you, Y/N.” Luc reminded me and brought me together with his brothers in a group hug.

“Damn right, she is!” Mick chimed in proudly, his mood already switched back to his cheerful one like nothing happened and giving me a wide grin.

“Sin duda. (Without question.)” Alex added and smiling heartfully at me.

It was decided then. I’d go to Florida and hear Santiago out. Face my past head on.

A/N: Uh oh. What do we have here?🫣There we go with chapter 2! We're slowly on our way to the boys now and I hope you still enjoyed the chapter even if it was more a bit of background story 🥰

I intentionally didn't make any more detailed character descriptions here but plan on adding them a bit later. Feel free to imagine them as you want or let me know if I should/ shouldn't include them :)

(Also since I didn't know what year we have in the film, I was just going with its release.)

And a really big thanks to all of you for the likes, reblogs and comment! It makes me really happy to know that someone's liking my story so far and it means a lot to me❤️‍🔥😍

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[ridiculousimplicity]

I was so scared that Bobby was gonna hurt himself or resort to something dangerous again or would start spiralling because of what happened with Jonah Greenway. I couldn't help but panic a little as the story continued but then.. Eddie happened.

Eddie has been going to therapy and that episode where the therapist helped him realise that it was not his responsibility to have kept a look out on the enemy while they were flying back, that he was doing what he was supposed to do i.e. taking care of the injured soldier and focusing on patching him up was cathartic.

In simple words, he yanked him out of the abyss of self blame, out of misplaced responsibility. He was taking on the weight of it all and repressed it so much within that his brain had no reason not to send out panic signals when triggered.

So many things happened to him and due to the incessant burial of memories and emotions related to those events, they ended up overlapping.

He "moved on." He wanted to.

His basic nature of putting it all "behind him" because he grew up that way was all he had. He had never known how to confront it, how to feel that emotion and let it pass, because he needed to be strong for his family. He needed to man up (a toxic trait his father had, without thought, imparted to him). And when he felt like those emotions were lingering, bubbling up, he felt like it was abnormal. That he was lacking. That he was not measuring up to be who he thought he should be. He never felt good enough.

He never felt enough.

And when he finally broke the lock to that box, it roared and burst out. It was unapologetic. I felt my heart break when I saw him sobbing, bawling his eyes out by the bed, whispering "They are all dead. They are all dead."

This scene where Buck finds him uncontrollably sobbing, hugging himself goes to show how one needs to know how to process their emotions, how mental health is so important, that one should reach out to someone in their time of need, get the help one needs, to stop being cruel to yourself and that you matter.

Another important point to note is that he was forgetting who he was. His identity and his needs were fading to the background. Maybe that first panic attack of his was a cry for help.

Eddie is now starting to heal. And he is learning to recognise trigger points and objectively looking at things within him and around was what made him say this. 👇

Buck about Bobby, "He takes responsibility for everything. That's his way. Probably why he makes such a good captain."

Eddie frowns, "Taking responsibility for something he didn't do wrong? It's a bad road to go down." He remembers the first time he had realized it. "You lose sight of things, of who you are."

And this, when he realises Bobby needs to hear this right now..

"Jonah wasn't your fault."

"Eddie."

Eddie continues, "No, look, I spent the last few months trying to put away a lot of things from the past and move on. What I've learned is you can't carry someone else's weight. It'll take you under."

Bobby counters, "I'm the captain. My responsibility-"

Eddie interrupts, "Is your team. But he was on the 118 for, what, a-a few weeks?"

Bobby blinks and crosses his arms.

"You barely knew him. You think you missed something? All the other cities, other houses. Everybody missed something," Eddie tries to reassure him.

But Bobby shakes his head. "This happened on my watch. He killed Claudette and who knows how many others." He swallows, the guilt resurfacing. If he just had done something more--

"Because he thought he was a God." Eddie stares straight into Bobby's eyes, "But he's not. Neither are you." He hopes to help Bobby realise he isn't all knowing and that is okay.

"You're not all-knowing and all-seeing, Bobby. You're just a good man."

Bobby shakes his head vehemently. "I'm not. I am not." Tears spring to his eyes as memories resurface.

Eddie knows why he is saying that. The hundreds that had lost their lives years ago, the hundreds Bobby blamed himself for, repented for.

"You saved my life." Eddie reminds him. "And my son's. So whatever responsibility you take for Jonah, you make sure you take some credit for me. You earned it."

~ 911, S5 E18

And the scene after of Bobby unpacking the bottle of alcohol had me at the edge of my seat. I understood why he wanted Eddie to stay for dinner. He needed something else to focus on or he would.. But he did not. He took it in his stride that Eddie was needed elsewhere and it was okay. He could do this on his own and went on to pour the entire bottle out into the sink, letting go of the guilt that has been eating away at him simultaneously.

[orionsangel86]

God same about Jensen!

He clearly had some insight into Dean that came out intermittently I just thought it was Instincts he had because he'd internalised Dean so much but didn't actually understand what he was saying, stuck in ol' "oh haha Dean is a stupid repressed child who only likes guns" mindset

Turns out WE'RE the fools and Jensen's been playing us ALL

when do you think he took up plans to take over SPN himself? I honestly think it's when they decided to end SPN at S15 and talks about how they should end the story were going on and they had to send him to KRIPKE of all people

Yeah its wild. I would love for him (with Misha's help) to write a tell all book one day.

I feel like jackles has been a far better actor than we all gave him credit for. He has always been very switched on to fandom, he knew about the warring sides, the hate and the bullshit, and I reckon he was being told for years by his bosses to always keep all sides of fandom happy and to play his damn role at all times (ironically just like how Chuck ordered Dean to play his role - life imitates art too often in this fucking show its almost scary). Hence why he's insights into Dean often came across contradictory and odd. Sometimes he had beautiful accurate insights which make total sense, and other times (usually in j2 panels) he'd regress back to the "haha dean just likes guns and girls like a macho man should".

We will never truly know what went on behind the scenes following the moment j2m announced s15 was the end (unless jackles writes that book) so its hard to truly speculate when jackles decided to take things into his own hands, but I also believe it was around about the time they planned the finale and everyone was kissing jarpiss's asshole and jackles was left in the cold to stare down a shitty death scene he didnt agree with. Going to kripke was prob the final straw for him.

He was gaslit into thinking that ending was okay, and whenever he tried to question it he was told to sit down shut up and do what he was told, all the while watching his manchild tantrum throwing drama queen of a costar get his dick sucked by the entire production team for coughing a few times and puffing out his chest and singing the praises of a finale that pushed the spotlight firmly on him and his cop propaganda show.

So yeah, jackles was done dirty, and so he became That Bitch and started making plans. He had the production company set up only days after the finale aired, turned off his social media and refused to be involved in any spn finale celebratory CW PR (absolute King Shit)

I think he started making calls before they even finished filming. Dean wasnt even cold on the ground before The Winchesters had been dreamed up as a way to bring him back. Jackles rare few post finale SM posts all alluded to Dean returning again. He knew what he was doing.

At the same time he was ghosting the manchild, and planning to move his family to Colorado to get away from him. After SPN finally wrapped in mid 2020, him and Jarpiss went their separate ways. They barely spoke after that. Jackles was setting in motion all his plans to fix everything that he considered a personal afront to him (because he is absolutely deranged and literally possessed by the ghost of Dean Winchester) and those plans certainly involve fixing the ending somehow - in a way that isnt obvious no doubt, because he still has to be careful and at least pretend like he respects the ending and his egotistical douchebag of a costar (though he hasn't been doing a very good job of either tbh!)

Thats all my speculation anyway. Holding out for that tell all book jackles!