#this man destroyed my life in a 20 minute video

[alien-space-cat]

Ta da!! Hermittober Day One >:D !!!

[lavenderviolin]

When I was 13, I overheard my uncle call a woman a dyke. I didn’t know what it meant, I just knew my father thought it was amusing, and that my mother told me to never repeat it because that was a dirty word.

When I was 14, I stumbled across a music video. It showed the story of two girls falling in love. Watching it made my stomach hurt, and made my face feel hot, but I couldn’t understand why. I watched it 9 times before I started to feel like I was being creepy.

When I was 15, I had my first crush. I had been denying my feelings, and then she walked in and I felt that sick feeling in my stomach. For the first time, I had to reckon with the fact that straight girls don’t feel flushed and scared when they look too hard at another girl’s neck. That night I locked myself in the bathroom and hurt myself until I felt like I’d made up for my sin.

When I was 17, I sat through the most intense sermon of my life. The preacher was red in the face, spitting and pacing and condemning people like me. I listened to my friends saying amen, saw them nodding their heads in agreement. Terrified, I begged prayed for God to fix me, because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. Nothing changed.

When I was 18 I told a mentor that I was gay. It took a gut wrenching 27 minutes just to get that word out of my mouth, and when I finally managed to say it, I felt filthy and exposed. We spent the next 2 hours praying and reading the Bible while he explained it was an attack from Satan. After I got home, I was sick. It was the first time I had seriously considered suicide.

When I was 19 a close friend admitted that she was a lesbian, and so I confided in her as well. She told me it was evil and immoral, but we could still make it right with God if we just had faith. I watched her struggle and fight and mold herself into an image, up until the day a young army man proposed and she said yes. I really, truly hope that she’s happy.

When I turned 20 I told my therapist that I liked girls. She was a Christian counselor, and I envisioned some form of therapy where she could help me fix my sexuality. Instead, she told me that I’d been punishing myself for too long over something that needed love and acceptance, not shame and hatred. It was the first time I felt like someone actually saw me.

I turned 24 this year, and I realized something. For the first time since I was 13, I had a crush on a girl and didn’t immediately fill with disgust. For the first time ever, I said the word “gay” out loud without flinching. And for the first time in my life, I came out to someone without immediately feeling like I needed to destroy myself to make amends for it.

I still think about that little girl who was so, so scared, and so unprepared for life, and I wish I could hold her hand. I can’t help her, and it’s too late to protect her, but maybe from here she can finally begin to heal.

[bylagunabay]

Unseen Warfare

THE DIABOLIC IN YOUR LIFE

(2 minute read)

Is there discord in your family, infighting in your business or corporation, factions in your religious organization and war in your neighborhood? If so, you may want to watch the homily by Venerable Bishop Fulton J. Sheen on the actions of the diabolic in our daily life.

𝑺𝒐 𝑰 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒍𝒊𝒄 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒔𝒚𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒂𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒄 𝒑𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒘. 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒖𝒑 𝒐𝒇 𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒖𝒑 𝒐𝒇 𝒇𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒖𝒑 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒐𝒓𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒖𝒑 𝒐𝒇 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒎𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒖𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕 …

(The concise description in the video of the action of the diabolic begins at 4:43 and ends at 11:24. But for further details, please finish watching the video.)

“I thought perhaps you might be interested in hearing about the Devil from a sound philosophical and theological point of view. I'm going to describe to you the Devil, first from the psychiatric point of view, and secondly from the biblical. First the psychiatric.

It is interesting that as we drop things in the Church the world begins to pick them up and distorts them. Now we, for example, the nuns drop the long habits, the girls put on maxi coats. We stop saying the beads, hippies put the beads around their neck. And, as theologians dropped the demonic, the psychiatrists picked it up.

[Dr.] Rollo May of Rockefeller Institute has several chapters in his work on psychiatry on the diabolic. What is the diabolic from the purely psychiatric point of view? Dr. Rollo May analyzes the word diabolic, it comes from the Greek words dia and ballein. Diaballein is to tear apart, rend asunder. Anything, therefore, that breaks pattern, that destroys unity, that corrupts gestalt, produces discord, that is the diabolical. Now, there has been a great increase of the diabolic. Notice for example the discord in the Church, the discord in religious communities, the discord among the laity regards the Church, discord in the clergy. All these are manifestations of a spirit of the diabolic that surrounds us.

Now this psychiatrist [Dr. May] analyzes the way in which the diabolic works. And he mentions three: First love of nudity. Secondly, violence, aggressiveness. Thirdly, split personalities, no inner peace, disjointed minds.

[ … ]

Our Blessed Lord one time went into the land of the Gerasenes… and he found in this land a young man possessed of the Devil (Mark 5:1-20). The Gospel mentions three characteristics of this young man. First he was nude. Secondly, he was violent and aggressive. They could not even keep him in chains. And thirdly, his mind was split, schizophrenic. Our Lord said to him, "What is your name?" He said, "My name is Legion."

Now a legion in his time meant six thousand soldiers in the Roman army. See already he is a person and yet he is legion, six thousand others. My name is legion for we are many. See the personality is no longer unified, I, Legion, we many. Now this psychiatrist does not ever correlate his three manifestations of the diabolic with this young man in the Gospel. I am doing that because I could not help but notice the similarity between the two. So from just a superficial point of view, the diabolic disrupts, and whenever you have a great manifestation of the Spirit you always get the Devil working. When for example, Moses in the Old Testament worked miracles against Pharaoh, Pharaoh's agents simulated a few miracles. When the Holy Spirit came upon the early Church at Pentecost, there was the persecution of Stephen. We had a Vatican Council, the blessing of the Spirit upon the Church. And we have immediately the manifestation of the evil spirit.

So I just leave you with this characteristic note of the diabolic from the psychiatric point of view. The breakup of unity, the breakup of families, the breakup of corporations, the breakup of religious communities, the breakup the oneness of Christ … “

[shiroi---kumo]

⚠︎ I HAVE VIDEO FROM THE LAST EPISODE IN THIS POST SO IT HAS SPOILERS IN IT. NOW YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ⚠︎

There lots of video throughout the series in this post because I need to make a point.

HEY I just remembered a thing I was going to ramble about here a couple of days ago but I was tired after work so I forgot.

But we need to talk about something important here and that is ->

Kumo's Voice

Firstly, when one watches the series - when you first hear this man and for most of the series, while he speaks little (due to poor company) when he does talk he almost always speaks in near monotone.

See here:

Kumo speaks in damn near monotone for most of the series BECAUSE he is purposely forcing his emotions into a tiny bottle and trying not to feel ANYTHING due to how Chaos functions.

Kumo's voice is mostly monotone ON PURPOSE.

Chaos, the main enemy of the series and who the Unlimited are charged with fighting this eternal fight with - is a god like being that is basically darkness incarnate.

Chaos gains power by feeding on the negative emotions of living beings.

So the Unlimited both took an extremely different approach to how they were going to address this fact in the terms of their shared enemy.

Kaze - continued to brew in hatred and rage and basically just decided fuck chaos and that he wouldn't try not to feel those things because Chaos could choke on it.

Kumo - decided to handle this fact by shutting down every single emotional system he could ever possess - including the good ones - and decided that the best way to address this aspect of his enemy was to never feel anything ever again.

AKA

Kaze at "I don't fucking care about how Chaos feeds. Chaos can take my rage and choke on it." Kumo at "Can't feed off of my emotions if I don't have any."

Needless to say this went very very poorly for the Cloud.

As the series progresses you can hear the emotion come back into his voice little by little and then his brother shows up and all bets are off - the whole episode is a mess and we get this by the end of it:

Kumo's entire voice shifts the next time we see him to pure growling.

And from here he turns into a snarky asshole when encountering Kaze:

To becoming soft and polite with the main party and protective at the end of everything and sort of turning back to his actual voice by the last episodes - >

And I want you to take a minute and compare that "Get out of here!" to the previous "Heed my words, all of you. None of you will ever stand a chance against The Earl." From episode 4.

This is 20 episodes later.

Shit has happened. Kumo is not the same man he was when the series started. He's taken certain masks he was holding himself to and thrown them in the fucking trash. He's done with a certain level of bullshit and he's just not playing games anymore at this point.

Oh but then we get to THIS

(and this my friends is the last episode, so it is the most spoilery thing I can give you even though there's really no context to it)

We get to this RANGE in this man's voice - who has been damn near monotone and almost emotionless for the entire fucking series. We get to fucking THIS and I desperately need you to listen to this to hear him go from the first couple videos to THIS.

Kumo goes from dead monotone to THIS by the end of the animated series all because of all the shit that goes down and all the things about him that CHANGE. I can only imagine had After / After Spiral / After 2 gotten animated - the man's range would have gotten out even more.

My point in all this is - Kumo will destroy parts of himself in order to protect himself and the people around him and his voice is a prime example of that.

I'm also saying this because Kumo did something no one in his life currently has really caught him on yet or thought about.

Kumo destroyed his Misterican accent in the name of survival.

Living in Gaudium under The Earl / Chaos - meant Misterican was considered "speaking improperly" so not only did he need to learn Wonderlandian - he needed to learn to speak it with a Wonderlandian accent.

It wasn't like when he lived on Windaria with Kaze - no he can speak fluent Windarian but he speaks it with a Misterican accent - because he's Misterican.

Misterican speaks a lot from behind the ears and rolling Rs and rolling sounds in general. It'll come from the lower throat and the nose and it is fucking fast. There are some words that are words but are said in a way that makes them more of a sound and less of a word.

Kumo's accent that he should have from speaking his mother tongue is gone. He spent years destroying his own voice, just so he would be deemed as more acceptable to the people he was living with.

AKA Chaos and Company. His greatest enemy.

And then he took it a step further and after he tore his heritage out of his voice, he tore the emotion out of it too.

All in the name of survival and protecting those around him. Chaos can't pull power from his emotions if he doesn't have any and he can't get in trouble if he's not speaking "incorrectly".

This is part of why I keep saying that all of Kumo's words are important. It's not just in choice but in how they sound. The time in the last year he's been out of Gaudium has allowed the emotion to start to really settle in his tone again and thanks to the help of some people around him getting him to fall back in love with his mother tongue, his accent is just starting to peek back out too.

Audio for Kumo's untranslated name:

Valkoinen Pilvi

[tieflingkisser]

Inside the Nuseirat Massacre: This Is the Carnage I Saw During Israel’s Hostage Rescue

I was on the road to the camp when Israel launched its raid — and saw the aftermath in a nearby hospital.

DEIR Al-BALAH, GAZA ­— Suhail Mutlaq Abu Nasser didn’t originally come from the Nuseirat refugee camp in the central Gaza Strip. But, by the time the Israeli military attacked the area on Saturday — part of a large-scale operation to rescue four Israeli hostages seized from a rave on October 7 — the camp was the closest thing Abu Nasser had to a home. After initially settling in the area in November, Abu Nasser, 60, faced more displacements, but the tortuous journey brought him back to Nuseirat this spring. The house in Nuseirat he’d taken up had been bombed and was partially destroyed, but he reasoned it was better than the nylon tent he had stayed in down south in Rafah. On Saturday, at around 11 a.m., Abu Nasser was standing by a window in the home when missiles began to rain down on the area. One struck just 20 meters away. “The area turned to ashes,” Abu Nasser told me in a Sunday interview. “I couldn’t find my wife and started calling out to those around me to ensure they were still alive.” Driven outside by fear of his building being bombed, Abu Nasser was confronted by a massive Israeli attack unfolding around him. The streets were filled by a swarm of quadcopter drones equipped with small arms. Tank tracks could be heard nearby. U.S.-made Apache attack helicopters hovered. Nearby homes were hit with missiles. “We heard people crying for help in the bombed houses,” Abu Nasser said. “They had martyrs and injuries, but we couldn’t help them.” The scene was gruesome. “The street was filled with civilian body parts,” he said, “and many injuries bleeding out without ambulances being able to reach them.” The sustained attack on Nuseirat lasted about 75 minutes. “The operation ended, but we stayed in our places, afraid to move for a long time,” Abu Nasser recalled. “It was a horrific scene and a difficult time that I had never experienced in my life.”

[...]

The Washington Post verified two videos of a truck bearing the logo of a dishwashing soap being escorted out of Nuseirat by Israeli tanks — though whether the scene was before or after the attack was unclear. Another video posted online showed a Mercedes-Benz van with living items strapped to it — a “Grapes of Wrath”-like scene common in Gaza. An eyewitness told the Post that about 10 Israeli soldiers leapt out of the van, shooting the eyewitness’s brother. (A representative for Israel Defense Forces spokesperson Rear Adm. Daniel Hagari told The Intercept no civilian vehicles were used in the attack.) Al-Aqsa Martyrs Hospital in Deir al-Balah, which I visited on Saturday, was overflowing with casualties from Nuseirat. Ambulances continually arrived, and screams filled the air. Chaos reigned in the emergency room throughout the afternoon, said Karin Huster, a policy organizer and supervisor working at Al-Aqsa with Doctors Without Borders, according to a recording she sent from Gaza that was released by the medical aid group, known by its French initials MSF. “There is nothing, nothing at all that justifies what I saw today,” Huster said. “Nothing.” “These children — the 3-month-old, the 7-year-old, the 12-year-old who died — the 25-year-old man, the 78-year-old woman, who all have horrendous injuries,” she continued. “Why did they deserve this? And why is the world looking on in silence? To what level of horror do we need to go before we finally do something, before we finally tell Israel that this is not acceptable?”

[joethetoonfanandoutcast]

Four Reasons I Don't Support Suki x Marcus

There is another Sing ship involving the Saluki which I can't stop thinking about or continuing to be tortured by: shipping her with Johnny's dad!

These words cannot escape my mind from the video of Illumination taking risks: "The company is 'going to have to evolve. We can have a commitment strategy to movies as a cinema-going experience and we can layer other business on top of that. There are topics of conversation right now that are very relevant to what we're doing in the future that get into areas that potentially might not please everyone. I think you have to honor the stories that you tell, honor the choices that your filmmakers make, and you have to be willing to not have everybody pleased all the time."

And since high-grossing franchises are constantly milked, that means they'll need new stories and new material, including ones that fans aren't doing yet. Plus, as Illumination insists on animal behavior, it makes sense for a gentle giant like a gorilla to be protective towards a Saluki, one of the most timid dog breeds of all, so that's one "open-minded/I'm not a judgy bastard who should be sentenced to damnation" perspective, and yet, I can't stand the idea of them being romantic partners any more than her and Jimmy being romantic partners.

Here are the four reasons:

1. They've too big an age gap

Okay, Suki is either in her 20's or early 30's, and Marcus...well, most of the characters' ages here aren't clear, but I assume he's in his mid-40's or 50's. And I realize that Sing lacks pairings with the man being two-three decades older than the woman and "HAS TO BE relevant to real life in all ways", but do they really need that? And yes, Johnny could have a stepmom in his life, but does it have to be a woman close to HIS age?

2. They lack the chemistry

Seriously, who thinks Chelsea Peretti and Peter Serafinowicz would have any chemistry?

3. It spells old-fashioned stereotype

I know strong men would be a good shoulder for tough women to be there as a shoulder and make them feel stronger and make them feel more human, but does it have to imply the strong man is as strong as one of those weight-lifters at the circus? Skinny guys can be strong in some way too. And a lot of women today aren't interested in beefcakes, which brings me to this reason:

4. It destroys her better judgement

In her first few minutes of the film, she comes off as this pretty-dresser who comes from the squeaky clean big city and is hard to please (FOR ENTERTAINMENT, btw!) and because she's a lackey for someone muscular and well-dressed (Jimmy) and is loyal throughout the film, due to dogs being loyal, until she betrays him, everyone just automatically assumes she only likes high-quality individuals as much as high-quality shows. Shows and individuals are two different things. Why throw it away other than just to make Ash, Meena, Rosita, Nooshy, and Porsha the girls you want to like that aren't picky?

She has potential to be liked by someone not taller than her and for her to reasonably like them back. That's realistic and not as superficial.

And I can stand the idea of Marcus finding someone to replace Johnny's late mom, just not if it means destroying the mentioned potential Suki had with other characters, or better yet, maybe not have Johnny's mom dead after all. Incidentally, what is it with Illumination and not having characters' spouses present? Marcus, Jimmy Crystal, Clay Calloway (that I can excuse), and we cannot completely conclude that Buster's mom is dead too.

I seriously hope Illumination doesn't force them into being so. I can handle it being done in fanfictions, but not in actual canon because that means they'd have to be canon in every universe (like how Mickey and Minnie are a couple in every universe and so on with other cartoon couples).

[rakuya-nikki]

Oshi no Ko - Entry #7

Just caught up to Oshi no Ko.

Man

First of all, it feels almost unfair to compare it to other shows when its first episode was basically a movie. No, not "basically", it was like an hour and 20 minutes long, so that is a movie LOL

God and it was so gripping too, it had so much development and motion, so many twists that I genuinely didn't expect coming, and it made me feel truly involved in the plot of the world. It's almost unfair to the rest of the show, given how after the movie prologue, it essentially turns into a slice of life, romance typed thing. Perhaps not as typical as your usual shows of those genres, but it's definitely similar to it.

Yet, even when it starts devolving into that sort of stuff, it destroys the competition compared to the others given how much effort they put into the themes and topics of the world. Those being "show business". Acting, idols, YouTubers, the shady shit behind the scenes of it all, the difficulties that these human beings face trying to do these jobs, the emotional struggles, the moral quandary of faking your emotions.

As someone in the YouTube industry right now, some of the ideas really hit a note with me. Even if I'm not particularly "big", I'm definitely in a position where I can see just how human my fellow YouTube creators are, and thus, I can also see just how inhumane some people can be on the internet towards these people.

I'm not gonna lie, the little arc with Akane becoming public enemy #1 in the forums and comment sections of the show really, really struck a chord with me. Like... my god, the utter, visceral rage I felt seeing those comments. It really did not feel like made up, exaggerated shit. That really is how people can act online.

I've hated people for a lot of reasons in my life, but it's that ability to stick to such unnecessarily vitriolic comments, despite knowing less than nothing about any of the important details. The only thing stopping me from viewing the people who make those types of comments as subhuman (other than the fear of becoming just like those people), is knowing that I've made those types of comments before too. Hell, sometimes I can even get wrapped up in drama and make snap judgements about things I don't know much about.

It's in that sense that what I hate is just the culture of it all. I really, truly, despite show business. I loathe how people treat these actors and content creators as people they can just say anything about, whose worth only goes as far as their productivity in views/high ratings. The show doesn't put too much focus on hating this side of the culture, it mostly mentions it with an "it can't be helped" sort of mentality. Though reading between the lines, you can definitely tell they're condemning that nature. Looking down on it. Because that's what it's worth, being looked down at. It makes me look back on my past self, who would leave hurtful comments in YouTube videos, or judge creators harshly for no apparent reason, and it makes me think of that past self as just despicable.

Anyways, the show proved to be great for studying too. The language was very complex, and it featured a lot of modern-day lingo that I can definitely make use of, especially as someone who normally specializes in media/marketing anyways. Knowing vocabulary for it is nice.

Not to mention, even if a big emotional point was me feeling disgusted at the anonymous hate wagons, the show also does an amazing job at showcasing the... beauty of show business, as an art form. If anything, that's the main focus of which it criticizes the "business" aspect of it all. How it takes away the soul of the process, and how the characters strive to shine despite the darkness in the industry.

Really, that's just it. The strength to shine, give hope, and have fun, despite everything holding you back and wishing for you to fail, is a strength that really resonated with me. Ruby didn't get too much time in the spotlight yet, but she's a great character in this regard.

I admit, it gave me newfound courage and motivation for my YouTube career. If anything, it made me wish I had more personal friends in the field to be able to talk with, and have fun with. I do have a lot of YouTube friends online, of course, but the setting takes place in the city. A city where these people can easily meet in person and do their things. Man... wouldn't that be so fun?

I'm torn, really. On the one hand, I truly despise the industry. I hate how it strips the humanity away from these people, and how fans can grow such toxic, insane mindsets that, in my eyes, tarnishes their own sense of humanity. Viewing people and lives as a form of "business" has always put a metaphorical black hole in my stomach. It's why I stopped following the money-hungry, business drive, "stock market" typed mentality shit. Viewing life as a commodity, to me, ends up ironically stripping it of any value.

Yet... there's something I truly resonate with the strength of will that comes from being able to destroy the norms of the industry and just have fun doing what you want, or putting a lot of heart into things as an art form.

Perhaps my biggest takeaway is to be 100% concrete in my views of not being a bitch about content creators. Someone uploads something I think is cringe? Who gives a shit, go work out or something instead, fatass. Someone gets involved in some big drama? Either leave it to the police or ignore it altogether, this isn't high school anymore. Someone makes a point I heavily disagree with in a video? Okay? Who cares?

It's one thing to criticize a product, but criticizing a person under the guise that they're a content creator or whatever inherently implies that they're being treated like a product, and I can't stand for that. Life really isn't that serious. It's more important to have fun with things, and if something isn't your vibe, then unless that person is doing something truly morally apprehensible (which does happen, of course), then just let things happen.

I feel like that idea wasn't even that much of a focus of the show, but it's still the major thing I took away from it. Famous actor, famous YouTuber, famous composer, they're just dudes. Sure, they're worth looking up to. Sure, you can get happy if you meet them. But they're not gods. A "fall from grace" should never be possible, for they never had grace in the first place. They've always been one of us. No, even more, because despite being one of us, they still put in so much time and effort to make us smile or laugh or cry or what have you, and I think taking away the humanity of such efforts is just a shame.

Back to Oshi no Ko, it definitely feels like it's going down "harem" route, which is... ehhhhhh. To be honest, there are a few elements of the show that I can see a lot of people being put off of. I'm a bit numb to those types of things (which might not be a good thing), and frankly romance has always been a guilty pleasure of mine, but I'm definitely not gonna be recommending this show to everyone like I do for other things like One Piece or Haikyuu.

Speaking of which, there's been a lot of shows that I've wanted to continue consuming after catching up to the anime, but so far I've only done that with the One Piece manga. Haikyuu has gotten close to making me want to, but I guess the kinetic flow of the animation with the volleyball games made me think I'd rather keep waiting for the anime than read the manga.

Oshi no Ko is getting... pretty close to making me wanna keep up. A season 2 was announced already, but there's no telling when that's gonna release. I wanna start reading, so maybe I'll do that. As much as the animation was absolutely gorgeous, I also think I could get by with just reading the manga and not lose too much, so it could work out. We'll see how I feel...

This is the part where I'm in emotional turmoil. Where I don't want to move on from a certain piece of fiction, yet know that I should probably starting moving on soon lol... Man, this never gets easy.

Maybe I will read the manga, if it's easy to access.

Anyways, favorite character is either Kana or Ruby, though I think Aqua is a solid main role too. In terms of... that kind of favorite, Mem definitely checks off all the boxes.

Though... to be honest, another element that this show makes me really think about is idol culture (though perhaps calling that "another element" is off, given how intrinsically connected it is to the things I ranted about before). That and "waifu" culture, though perhaps the fictional nature of "waifu" cultures puts it in a less serious league when compared to people treating real women in that sort of way.

I've always been hesitant of it. Not from a purist stance, I absolutely have a lot of fictional characters that I get those types of feelings for. But... for real people? Isn't that just... weird? Parasocial relationships are a topic that's... still a bit beyond me, but just the culture around obsessing over these people, judging them as if they're flavors, where you pick your favorite, and move on if it spoils or you find something better. It goes back to how it makes everything lose its humanity. Yet... the idea of it being a source of comfort and inspiration for these people, and that the actresses are a strong source of light, makes me look up to them all the same. It makes me understand why some people look up to and love idols, to an extent.

It's complicated, huh...

Anyways, love the show. It left several impressions onto me, which is always the mark of some great media. Good time to be alive.

[phantom-ellie]

The Art of (Smashing) Crockery Chapter 1 - An Animated Description of Mr. Maps

Summary: 17 times Stede Bonnet shows up to Ed's Rage Room, the one time he doesn't, and the aftermath

Prompt: "modern au where Ed is the owner of the rage room and one day Stede comes in after a very stressful day at work, pays 40 minutes for the room, breaks things for 20 minutes and then cries for another 20 minutes" @EDWARDSSTEACH on Twitter

Click here for CWs/Full Chapter List

Outgoing Email To: All BG&E Employees

An issue has come to our attention that some employees are not following the proper chain of command with regards to communication with our Corporation Officers. Please remember that this chain exists for a reason, and to not bother our board, including CEO Edward Bonnet, with questions that are beneath them to answer, regardless of any relationship outside of the company you might feel you have with them. Instead, all queries should go through my personal secretary so they can be prioritized and addressed in the right manner.

Nigel Badminton, VP of Corporate Affairs

---

The first time it happens, Ed doesn’t say anything. It’s a normal day. Boring. Maybe he has a hangover, maybe it’s time to stop getting black-out drunk the night before work. But it’s been a while since he’s gotten into trouble for it. He doesn’t have as much to be angry about these days, not anymore. Depressed? Possibly. Feeling like he’s wasted his life? Oh, absolutely, that’s just a fact. He’s 45 years old and working in a dingy, dusty strip mall, living vicariously (at the moment) through a man in a $3000 bespoke suit taking a sledgehammer to a microwave.

Well, the man is trying to, at least. He certainly has the upper body mass for it, with broad shoulders and clear upper body strength. And he did remove the coat jacket, wouldn’t want to sully that. He left the jacket in Ed’s care as if it weren’t the most expensive item of clothing Ed had ever touched. Guys like that don’t tend to really see people like Ed, though. They just hand off whatever they please to the help and expect it to be waiting for them later. And it’s just part of Ed’s job here to do that kind of thing. He isn’t a servant, he’s providing a service, a fact which he has to remind himself of as he figures out the best way to fold the jacket into a cheap plastic temporary storage bin without wrinkling it.

Ed gives up the effort and turns back to the security panel to keep watch on the room’s interior. The problem is, this guy just doesn’t have the will to really do it. The man in the room swings the sledgehammer, but when it gets close to the microwave it loses momentum, knocking against the appliance weakly. The man in the video puts the hammer-end of the sledge on the ground, leaning with both of his hands on the top of the handle.

This guy has no idea how to cut loose, Ed thinks to himself, smiling. Those types aren’t used to it. And yet, somehow, 20 minutes previous he had entered this crappy establishment on the ass-end of a disgusting strip mall in an area he had no business being in, and asked for 40 minutes in the room. And Ed did his job and got him set up. Didn’t ask questions, it isn’t his job to ask questions. All sorts of people come through here to spend time destroying everything they can. Bachelor parties, women having a post-divorce bash with their friends, college students who are too straight-edge to do real damage but still want to feel badass, incels who pretend that every broken plate and smashed mirror bears the face of the women they perceive to have wronged them.

And it isn’t healthy, Ed knows this. He’s learned the difference between healthy and unhealthy outlets for anger. But business is business, and this is his. The big neon sign outside reads Blackbeard’s Breakery: Adding Injury to Insult (all letters properly lit up again as of last week, because Ed has his shit mostly together, mostly). It’s a stupid name, because Ed was an idiot when he named it, but he figures it’s good to have a daily reminder to be less of one going forward.

Anyway, it’s been 10 minutes since the clock has started, and the man in the room sets the sledgehammer daintily against the wall and tentatively grabs the baseball bat. He places a drinking glass on a small waist-high platform. He takes a step back, preparing himself, hips wiggling a bit like he’s preparing for a home run. His form isn’t perfect, but Ed thinks that maybe at some point he had some pointers in baseball, as a kid or something, because it’s a decent swing that ends roughly where it should. Only the man is still holding back, so when the bat hits the upper edge of the glass it just sort of knocks the glass off the table and onto the floor. The glass shatters upon hitting the ground and the man stops, as if in total shock that this happened, and puts his hands over his mouth like he didn’t mean to do it. Like he’s afraid his mom is going to come in and find her favorite vase in pieces. And then he’s running his fingers through his blond curls with either shame or anxiety.

Part of Ed just feels so bad for this guy. He wants to pipe his voice into the room and say, listen mate, this isn’t for everyone, don’t try to be someone you’re not, just get therapy but that is not his job and isn’t good for business. Everyone passing through here needs therapy. Hell, Ed’s cat probably needs therapy.

Rich boy (he’s not a boy, he’s gotta be at least Ed’s age, but he carries himself like an insecure teenager) adds more glassware and crockery to the pile and takes a few more experimental swings. He seems to be gaining a bit more confidence, so Ed smiles and goes to pump some encouraging music into the room, something with a rhythm that can help the man focus. He picks This Corrosion by Sisters of Mercy (he read about it on a music blog he follows), and while the opening of the choir normally elicits confused looks from those in the rage room, it causes this guy to stop dead in his tracks, look up towards the crappy wall speaker, and smile. And Ed thinks that it’s a great smile, the first time this man has seemed anything less than completely miserable. Rich Boy immediately grabs whatever he can (the remnants of the microwave, a cheap 25-inch computer monitor, a pile of empty beer bottles) and gets to it.

It’s times like this that give Ed the smallest hint of job satisfaction. Sure, it’s great to stick it to the man or whatever and destroy consumer goods, to take a stand against the mass production of… well, Ed doesn’t remember the tirade he heard from the last group of wannabe warriors who came through (and Ed didn’t have the heart to tell them that it all ends up in a giant ocean trash-pile anyway, broken or not). But what he really likes is when people seem happy doing this. Legitimately happy, not drunk or high or a mess of artificially-raised testosterone. Just a sober man who maybe is finally having a good moment in his day. Ed doesn’t get many of those here. And this is how he lives his life vicariously through the rich man in the battered room.

Boarding School Billy (Ed bets his name could also be something like Tom, or Steve, and he could look at the information the man left but that would be weird, right?) spends the next 10 minutes absolutely wrecking the place, to the best of his ability. Ed watches the pit stains growing under the arms of his expensive shirt, the cathartic way Billy/Tom/Steve finishes a swing with the bat and then wipes sweat from his brow. Ed knows it’s unprofessional to stare, but nobody else is here, nobody else knows, and nobody else cares. Ed will never see this guy again, this businessman who is just passing through, so there’s no harm in adding this view to his mental spank bank for later.

It’s hard to focus over the sounds of the screaming coming down the hallway, though. Coming from the only occupied room in the joint. Billy/Tom/Steve is raging against the machine, raging against something at least, and Ed can’t make it out, but boy is this guy pissed. Ed had better listen in, just to be safe, you know? Doesn’t want this guy to hurt himself, can probably afford expensive lawyers to shut the business down. Ed puts on the headphones he can use to listen in to the rooms and strains to hear over the music.

“You’re my father! You’re my fucking father! And you’re going to use him of all people as a barrier to ignore me and… fuck you! Fuck!” After that it’s a string of expletives and sounds of breaking ceramic. Ed rips the headphones off and decides to give the man some peace. Ed already has enough daddy issues, no need to carry this guy’s as well.

Whatever the daddy issues are, they aren’t enough to grant this guy 40 minutes worth of destructive stamina. His swings get weaker, he pants harder, he rests his hands on his legs for a minute and breathes, only to stand up and try again, a marginal attempt at gusto, but it isn’t long before his arms seem to give up. He puts his hands over his face (and under his safety goggles), shaking, and Ed realizes that he’s crying. Not an unheard of reaction, nothing to be embarrassed by, really. Except the man has 20 minutes left on the clock, and instead of raging he’s sinking to the floor, weeping.

Ed generally doesn’t intervene when this happens. People in the room can be out of control, they can be a flood of emotions and adrenaline, and anything could be going on in their lives. Ed isn’t a therapist or a counselor. So he just stands there awkwardly, wishing he had another customer to watch instead, wishing he could look away. But it would be rude to look away, wouldn’t it? Maybe Ed can be there in solidarity for his fellow man.

This lasts all of five minutes before he’s putting on the headphones and flipping the switch to speak into the room. Except he doesn’t really know what to say.

“Hey man… you good?” Smooth, so cool. The man in the room looks up like he’s heard the voice of God himself.

“Um…” and he raises a hand and gives a thumbs up to the universe.

“All right, sounds good, you still got 15 minutes.”

Billy/Tom/Steve nods and moves himself against the wall, still crying, absentmindedly spinning his gold wedding band back and forth.

Ed could take him out early and refund the time he didn't use, but he doesn't. This guy can afford it. Ed has a business to run. When Billy's 15 minutes are up he is let out of the room, returning his borrowed safety gear and quietly putting on his expensive suit jacket. He looks down, brushes himself off, gives Ed a quick nod without really looking at him, and exits into the night.

And that’s another wasted day of Ed’s life.

---

Excerpt from the blog Hear Something Weird:

Hi all! Do you want to hear something weird?

You ever just want to feel a song in your bones, like a deep pulsating rhythm that floods your entire body? You ever want to feel it in your fingernails and the pads of your feet? This one requires headphones, I think.

It’s An Animated Description of Mr. Maps, by The Books. This one’s a bit weird, but I love it. Open it up and close your eyes, lean your head back. There’s a rhythm to everything that makes a sound. The spoken word can become the rhythm of a song, and it can seep deep into your brain until you aren’t sure what words are being spoken anymore. I love to listen to songs like this when I need to feel it all coming together, when I need to feel like everything is in tune. The song starts out with a strange snare beat, and it’s hard to follow at first, but…

Comments Be the first to leave a comment.

Chapter 2

[the-firebird69]

Tonight a few things start rolling they're noticing that they are losing and they're getting bombed and they're getting destroyed and it's the morlock and the clothes. And they're noticing the max are doing it and then a lot of people are blaming us and it's not true. A few other things are going on these people are sitting here saying they're feeling assault and doing their job their Big fellas they're going out there and discovering that there's stuff is going missing and they're going out there and finding out that people are taking it and that they are losing their shirt and everything else. They are getting here tonight very badly there are five areas in each hemisphere that were wiped out top side and below and we did mention that they're big they're about 20 by 40 top side and below they're all about 100 by 30 miles by 40 miles roughly and it's huge those are huge systems and huge bunkers they're not ancillary they would not be the core which are on the islands but they are secondary to the core it's number two when it comes to size and power and production of weaponry and clones and they're gone. These guys here seem to be promoting Doomsday as the weapon of choice and he does little video as Christopher Walken and people don't like him for it and hate him and want him dead and it's been going on for some time now. There's another issue that is rising for these folks that is that they are breaking the law daily and people are going after them for breaking the law and they don't believe it and they're getting arrested all the time and it is a method and motif and the max are doing it and McDonald's and miscellaneous and of course we are and we're meaning how are you doing it. There's a third very powerful issue that is developing they are saying they hate my husband and they are faking it and we're going after those who say it no one can stand it anymore the difference is we're going after them every time. What they say is blasphemy it's bigotry no it's very hateful it's very evil and mean. And we should have stopped them but now we have to put up with it so going after them very hard. They're losing face they're losing people they're losing their areas and they're losing everybody's interest in keeping them around. Times are a waste of space it's a waste of time it's a waste of space and we're taking most of their territory people are leaving it behind they don't have the ability or manpower to clean it up and they don't think anyone does. Tonight they're going to hand over the letter in 13 minutes and we are going to tell you what it says in a moment and my husband thanks me and I thank him for the idea and he said it to me a while ago but he said wonder why it's called Martha's vineyard your name is Martha and I was laughing I said it's Martha Stewart and he said no no I don't think so it's got an aura and your sister was there and now I love it he's my boy my man so someday I'm going to grow up I'm going to be a really big man I can't stand it because he's saying he's not going to grow up inside but he already is and he's way too old so am I and we need to have a life and we will and they all say it and we believe them and it's going to be a lot of fun and he says I'm going to have to taste your wine but without the alcohol it's going to be hours because you're going to flavor and it's going to be fun because I can make that and I can sell it as virgin wine from Martha's vineyard and Nantucket and he says great when you get the boat ready to bring the juice over that's very funny that's how they do it

Hera Zues

It is actually an actor and he's going to bring it over and that's what they're going to do

Olympus

There's a lot of fun it always talking and arguing and he says how am I going to know I'm bringing it over it's kind of weird he's saying something and wants her to be in his life more so he's walking around alone today and he's thinking about it wasn't really sad but he thought this is terrible and now Ken can't make it and he's having trouble now but he needs to have something else happen other than this absolute mindless b*******

Thor Freya

[brehaaorgana]

Reminder to me to pull my free credit report just in case my regular monitoring has missed something

because my father wanted my social in order to make me his sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy, but also he's being scammed by some European woman[*] who he thinks will marry him and believes is a 20-something year old[**] [***] millionaire single mom.

I hope he wouldn't share any of my information, and is only screwing himself over, but I don't actually trust him or his judgement, so y'know, need to check.

[*] this isn't the first time my father has been "sweetheart scammed." He used to be a perfectly intelligent man who would've understood this was all grift, but alcohol destroys your brain. Unfortunately scams like this rely on your active participation - so you rarely manage to get money back if you file a fraud claim. Because uh, you willingly gave them money! Worst case scenario is if they have you also unknowingly commit financial crimes in the process of the scam.

[**] in the grand tradition of gross old men, the age of women he's dating is staying the same, and now I, his daughter, am surpassing them in age. I know she's a scam artist, she's not actually dating him, but it's gross my dad would be WILLING to date someone younger than me.

[***] although she's either a) lying about her age, b) hilariously out of touch style-wise for someone who supposedly models, or c) the photo I've seen is from maybe 6-7 years ago, which.... She doesn't look 20 in the photo, so it's probably the first 2.

This sounds crazy, but my aunt shared this headshot type photo of this woman and I swear to you it was EXTREMELY 2014-16 makeup. I'm talking heavily overlined nude lips, heavy false lashes, bright cheekbone and nose highlighter, and a dramatic cut crease smokey eye using a lot of black eyeshadow.

Y'know, like this video a little bit, but with less heavy contour lol.

My dad would never realize this has not been a popular makeup style in a hot minute and so it would be very weird to find a current young model rocking. But like *gestures* scam artist.

[keywestlou]

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN…..GET MARRIED

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN…..GET MARRIED - https://keywestlou.com/if-you-want-to-have-sex-again-get-married/I came across an interesting video on YouTube titled: If You Want to Have Sex Again - Get Married. A humorous 10 minutes. Discusses no sex marriages. Describes most of today's marriages as involving masturbation, loneliness, cheating and shame. As can be readily noted from the title and description, the presentation is full of inconsistencies. Happily presented. The host is sex therapist Maureen McGarth. I am going to hit some of the highlights. You must watch the video to get the full flavor. After the first year, McGarth says most marriages are boring. No wonder she shares, most people have lived together 10 years before without the benefit of marriage.  They marry and in due course may have sex less than 10 times a year. Her theory applies to heterosexual and same sex marriages. Where one learns about sex affects its quality in marriage. Boys and men learn from internet porn. A place lacking in intimacy. Females from their mothers and girl friends who place the fear of God in them. Pregnancy and STDs. McGarth said the most popular position for marrieds having sex is one of them on their hands and knees during the act. Generally, the man! A commonly asked question is when does sex/sexual desire end. Some believe int the 40s. Others, various decades. McGarth advises well into the 80s and 90s. However, most are unaware. Exercise a necessary activity in order to have a good sex life. Gets the blood flowing. The largest sex organ is neither the clitoris/vagina nor the penis. It is the brain. McGarth's final piece of advice: Settle all marital arguments in bed naked. I have merely scratched the surface. Watch the video for pure enjoyment or to learn something. Whatever, a valuable 10 minutes. From sex to college basketball. Syracuse basketball. Applying McGarth's observations, Syracuse basketball today is about as good as marital sex. Illinois blew out Syracuse last night 73-44. My heart can't take it! Illinois destroyed Syracuse in the second half outscoring Syracuse 43-21. Syracuse's record now stands at 3-4. Why, Lord? Syracuse's defense horrible. Actually horrible is giving it too much credit. Non-existent a better description. The defense was outstanding in the first half. Disappeared in the second. Boeheim's post game interview lasted less than 2 minutes. Embarrassing. Boeheim said what he had to. The reporters asked few questions. Out of respect for Boeheim. Syracuse plays Notre Dame saturday. Syracuse has a new Dome. The Carrier Dome opened in 1980. The new Dome this year. I have not seen it. However from photos' and description, absolutely magnificent. Its 50,000 seats are not going to be full nor is the Dome going to be a money maker unless the football and basketball teams do better. Fans, even Syracuse fans, are not going to attend unless the teams win. Fact of life. I have seen it the past 40 years at the Carrier Dome and other sport facilities throughout the U.S. Oath Keeper leader Stewart Rhodes was convicted by a jury yesterday of sedition and other crimes arising out of January 6. The most serious "seditious conspiracy."  A technical way to describe Rhodes a traitor. Good for 20 plus years in jail. Time for indictments to move forward. Time for political and private leaders involved to be charged and tried. Including Trump. Bess Levin wrote another interesting article re Trump's anti-Semitic dinner guests. The article published 11/28 titled "Surprise: A Number Of Republicans Don't Want To Condemn Trump's Dinner With A Couple of Anti-Semites." Levin's opening sentence: "They know where their bread is buttered." Followed in the next paragraph by: "In the year 2022, the number one thing that unites the Republican Party is bigotry and hate. Hate for the Black people. Hate for (non-white) immigrants. Hate for anyone who isn't Christian. Hate for the LGBTQ+ community. Which is why it surprises no one who has been paying literally any attention whatsoever that a number of GOP lawmakers apparently don't want to probably condemn Donald Trump's recent dinner with men who have made names for themselves as virulent anti-Semites." Maya Angelou: "Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to the loneliness." Enjoy your day!

[botwstoriesandsuch]

Big question. I need your opinion on something. If Mipha was never saved, and Vah Ruta was never calmed, what effect would it have on Hyrule. We know that it will flood, however I doubt the Shiekah would have the ability to create water from nothing (like to gods) so I just assume they are teleporting so the ocean won't rise. With this in mind, none of the major settlements would really be affected. Gerudo Town is far enough out of the path that the river would take through lake Hylia, Riti Village is also out of the way, and not only does it have a natural moat (if you could call it that) but also a canyon in the way. Korok Forest has magic and a moat and is also out of the way, Goron City is also to high up and out of the way, Tarrey Town is really highup and out of tge way, Zoras domain has pretty good drainage and it will probably go through the several other exits to not cause that muc damage, Kakariko Village is safe in the mountains, Hateno Town is safe and out of the way, and Lurelin Village is also out of the way and won't be damaged unless the ocean floods.

WOO LET’S FLOOD A CIVILIZATION AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

**Zelda meter is the meter system of objmap.zeldamods.org, but in accordance with previous posts I'm gonna convert it later to "actual" meters that I think is more realistic. You’ll see why later.

ALRIGHTY, SO LET’S START WITH MEASURING TIME!

So, East Reservoir Lake is 545 zelda meters long (light blue) and 340 zelda meters wide (blue)

Or if we want to see it as more of a circle, it has a radius of 239 zelda meters

Rutala Dam itself is 30 zelda meters wide and 140 zelda meters across. (see purple)

Taking a picture and using an online ruler, I found that the damn is roughly 123 zelda meters tall. (1 cm equal to 17.5 zelda meters by using the 140zm measurement)

Technically speaking, the dam's depth is infinite in the game, so we'll just use this damn's height as the depth.

And before you tell me that I should count the height of the rocks that the damn sits on top of as part of the depth, I'm gonna say not because dams typically block preexisting waterfalls, and given the rounded erosion of the rocks here, I would say that is also the case. Therefore, this was a waterfall that fed into the Rutala River and is not counted for the reservoir's depth.

So, in summary:

Reservoir Length: 545zm

Reservoir Width: 340zm

LW Reservoir Surface Area: 185,300zm (That is only 0.1 zelda kilometer. For comparison, the 45th largest reservoir in the world, Capivera Dam [last place on Wikipedia list] is still 515 square kilometers. The largest ones being in the 60k areas. I’ll come back to this point later.)

Reservoir Radius: 239zm

(pi)r^2 Reservoir Surface Area: 179,451zm2 (179zkm2) [Just got these numbers of surface areas to demonstrate they're practically the same whether you see it as circular or rectangular. I think the circle will be more accurate so going forward I will be using it as my basis for calculations]

Dam Length: 140zm

Dam Height: 123zm

Dam Width: 30zm

The Total Water Rutala Dam Holds Back: 22,072,473zm3 [Instead of just using the sphere volume formula or the LWH formula, I used my more accurate surface area made with the the radius and multiplied by the dam height(is that the,,,cylinder formula? I think so)]

Rutala Dam is supposed to be the largest reservoir in Hyrule, shown very prominently on the map. The largest reservoir(by surface area) in our world is Lake Winnipeg, with a surface area of 24,514 km2, (but only has a depth of 12 meters.)

But here it is on a map of Canada:

To reiterate, Lake Winnipeg has an area of 24,514km, and with zelda meters, East Reservoir Lake has an area of 179.

“BUT KIP! MAYBE EAST RESEVOIR LAKE IS JUST REALLY REALLY SMALL, HYRULE IS PRETTY SMALL ISN’T IT?”

Ok, so comparing the reservoir to one of the the largest, if not THE largest, settlements in the game, Zora’s Domain, we can see that the reservoir is several times it’s size.

But you’ll also note that Zora’s Domain has a diameter of 234zm. That, the entire city, the entire DOMAIN of Zora. 234 zelda meters. Manhattan is 21,100 meters long. Manhattan, by the way, is a fifth fraction of the New York County, which is the smallest county in the United States of America.

234 zelda meters, that’s an area of 43,005zm2. Do you know what else is aobut 40k meters squared in real life? Your nearest Walmart. Just a bit bigger than your local Tesco. Supposedly the entire Zora population, that has been untouched by the 100 year apocalypse and arguably had room to GROW over this time, is living in a Trader Joes.

So I hope this illustrates why I’m converting the zelda meters used on the website to something that I think would be more realistic in the realm of Hyrule. You can find my very loud and kinda embarrassing but factual! and old post about the conversion here, same link as at the top, but essentially just trust me on the conversation that 1zm is equal to 30 real-life meters.

New Realistic Measurements:

Reservoir Length: 16,350m or 16.35km

Reservoir Width: 10,200m or 10.2km

LW Reservoir Surface Area: 166,770km2

Reservoir Radius: 7170m or 7.17km

(pi)r^2 Reservoir Surface Area: 5,383,530m2 or 5382.53km2

Dam Length: 4200m

Dam Height: 3690m

Dam Width: 900m

The Total Water Rutala Dam Holds Back: 19,865,225,700m3 or 19.8 million cubic kilometers of water AKA 19.8 billion kiloliters AKA 5.2 trillion gallons o’ agua

Now THAT sounds more like the biggest dam in all of Hyrule. In fact, it adds up with the stats of the largest dam in our world(by gallons held), that is, the Three Gorges Dam.

The Three Gorges Dam, located in China, ALSO holds back 5 trillion gallons of water/19 billion cubic meters. Although it is a lot shorter than Rutala’s measurements--I think the amount of water that it holds back will be a perfect guide to see the devastation that Rutala’s potential breakage could cause on Hyrule.

There actually is a simulation online about what would happen if the Three Gorges Dam collapsed but I’m not gonna link it cause it might be a bit too distressing, but just know that I based this on that simulation.

Firstly, the biggest sigh of relief comes from the Samasa Plain.

The plain is very very low and slopes down into the Lanayru Bay, so a lot of the water would empty into there. However, the plain would then be totally submerged, so RIP to the shrines and ruins around there. Areas in red as submerged and areas in green would become islands or marshes.

And with that, the water level of Lanayru Bay would rise drastically. Blue is the new water level, dark green are islands, and light green are potential wetlandish areas that would form as time passed.

But basically, Rutala river would have a new branch that spills directly into the Lanayru Bay.

So now you may be thinking,

“HEY KIP THAT’S NOT SO BAD! MOST OF IT SPILLS OUT INTO THE BAY SO IT’S NOT A LOT OS DESTRUCTION! YAY!”

And you’d be half right.

Yes, a lot of the water is going to spill out over Samasa Plain and yes, Lanayru Bay will house a lot of it. But here’s the kicker.

It’s a bay.

Not an ocean.

It would take 1.25zkm or 30km for the water to make it’s way to the ocean, and the water will be traveling SUPER fast--about 100 kilometers per hour.

And that water wants to move, it wants to flow, and Lanayru Bay cannot help all that water flower because:  It’s shallow as fuck.

This chest shows the deepest point in all of Lanayru Bay.

I dropped a windcleaver down in the water: and using a generous GENEROUS estimate of 2 feet per second given the conditions of the still water in the bay--It took 5 seconds for it to float to the bottom. 10 feet. 3 meters. That’s just barely deeper than the deep end of a backyard swimming pool.

But even being extra EXTRA generous and using a real world estimate: Bays would be around 14 feet deep, roughly 4 meter. And we can be even more generous and say the sounding mountains can accommodate 30 feet of height. 9 meters. 9 + 4 = 14 meter height times 30km by 10km(width) = That’s 4.2 cubic kilometers, or 4.2 billion kiloliters of the 19.8 billion kiloliters in total.

uh oh. wheres the other 15.6 billion kiloliters of water gonna go?

It’s like taking a firehose, and filling up a bathtub. Yeah, the tub’s gonna catch a lot of that water, but that firehose has way, way, way, more water than that tub can hold, and when the tub can have a leak or hole on it, but the rate that that hose is going is astronomically faster than the rate the tub can expel water, so it’s just gonna overflow and water will still spill everywhere

[And this isn’t even taking into the account that Rutala Dam is SIGNIFICANTLY higher that it’s surrounding landscape, and would pour into the river with such a force that it could cause a giant tidal wave and break through the rocky boundaries of the pre-existing Rutala River causing even more water to flow into the bay]

Lanayru Bay would be occupied with a lot of water, and since the other 15.6 billion kiloliters of water can’t immediately flow into it, it’s gonna take the scenic route through Rutala River. It’s high mountains on either side basically just make it a death funnel.

Here’s how that would look:

This is the new water level for the Lanayru Wetlands. MAn they weren’t lying, those lands do be wet.

so yeah everything is submerged in between 10 to 20 meters of water and you might be thinking

“WELL KIP, I THINK THAT’S NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL! AT LEAST NO MAJOR LANDMARKS WERE DESTROYED AND NO ONE WAS HURT!”

Well, bestie, here’s the thing. This length of land is 3 zelda kilometers long. AKA 90 kilometers long. And you might recall, I said, that this, 3000 meter tall  wall of water was traveler at 100km per hour. Well the good news is, my calculations are a lot easier for this as this large stretch of flat Lanayru Wetlands land lines up perfectly with the flat areas of Yichange, (which was actually traveling at twice the speed compared to Rutala because it didn’t have Lanayru Bay to open up into)  

But the bad news is, the video is five minutes long, and this is just the first 50 seconds. This water is destined to travel 400 kilometers. That’s about half of the country of Wales, by the way. The entire length of the state of Virginia.

Here’s the rough path of the total flooding that other 16 billion kiloliters from Rutala Dam

Oh, and what’s worse is that the rivers in central Hyrule? Yeah they’re like HALF the depth of Lanayru Bay so the flooding will be even WORSE :D

So here’s the new waterlevel map!

Overtime, a lot of the water is gonna spill onto the paths through Central Hyrule, new swamplands, creeks, etc. etc. The path to the Gerudo Desert will be fin initially, as the water as slowed to the point where it won’t put immediate damage since the bridge is so high. But that new water level plus the influx of water from the River of the Dead is definetly gonna erode that over time and maybe possibly will just collapse and prevent anyone from leaving or entering the desert.

Hyrule Castle will be even more of an island, as the two islands to the left and right of it will be moslty submerged. Also the entire path through Eldin is just fucking done. Everyone in Akkala and Eldin? You’re trapped there. It’s basically a new Lake Hylia but no bridge. Sorry Robbie.

Oh, and also these rapid waters are carrying the debris of it’s destruction, whether the corpses of travelers or giant rocks that it broke off from the side of mountains. So everything is a mess, and depending on the amount of debris, it could completly alter water paths to go even more in land. The rivers are shallow enough, so just pilling in more rocks and dam metal and dirt just makes things shallower

Lake Hylia will be fine, the mini islands are gone, but as a whole, the bridge and the height of the surrounding ridges will keep the water in there. Although a lot of Necluda is basically a goner, and the bridge on either end of Dueling Peaks is totally decimated.

So what did we learn?

All of Hyrule’s economy is fucked. Every major trading path--gone. It’s basically gonna breed even more ethnocentricism, and a bunch of wildlife and sources for food are gone. And not to mention the climate, that’s gonna be fucked too as years pass. Rito and Zora will probably be the most fine? Hylians are fucked though, we destroyed like five stables and basically every river setllement there is. Oh and that influx of water is gonna fuck with the fishes so Hateno and Lurelin aren’t totally out of it either!

Gerudo? Well good thing they’re all lesbians because they sure aren’t going out to woe anybody once those stone pillars holding the bridge give way to the new water levels. Gorons will actually not even know anything’s wrong if I’m being honest. Sheikah? Well that point by Eagus Bridge and Sarhasra slope is gonna connect into a river at some point so I guess they can be a fishing village now.

Oh an RAIN I didn’t even think about that, yeah people are totally gonna die. And if Ruta CONTINUES to pump water into Hyrule (because again, this is only from an INITIAL burst of the damn. Well...

Zora’s Domain will be gone within the year. Water levels will just continue to rise, probably take on Central Hyrule first, but then after that the Gerudo Canyon. Also if flooding in Zora’s Domain REALLY continue it would probably spill over and destroy Tarrey Town. So not good all around!

But I think the main takeaway that we can all settle with is that the Flower Lady and her garden are absolutely, positively, dead.

[jedi-anakin]

2020 – what happened so far

(it’s impossible to include all, but I try my best)

January

January 1 – Palau became the first country to ban sun creams containing ingredients that are harmful to coral and marine life.

January 2 – The government of New South Wales, Australia, declares a state of emergency whilst the government of Victoria, Australia declares a state of disaster amid large bushfires that have killed as many as 500 million animals.

January 3 – A US drone strike at Baghdad International Airport kills Iranian general Qasem Soleimani and Iraqi paramilitary leader Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis.

January 5 – Iran pulls out of the 2015 nuclear deal, will not limit its uranium enrichment.

January 7 – 56 people are reported killed and over 200 injured in a crush at the funeral of general Qasem Soleimani in the city of Kerman, Iran.

January 7 – A 6.4 magnitude earthquake in Puerto Rico, island's largest in a century, kill 1 person and destroy 800 homes.

January 8 – Ukraine International Airlines Flight 752 is shot down by Iran's armed forces shortly after takeoff from Tehran Imam Khomeini Airport, killing all 176 people on board.

January 8 – Duke and Duchess of Sussex announce they are stepping back as "senior" royals, will work towards becoming financially independent.

January 16 – The impeachment trial of the President of the United States, Donald Trump, begins in the US Senate.

January 26 – Kobe Bryant and his 13-year-old daughter Gianna Bryant dies in a helicopter crash.

January 30 – The World Health Organization (WHO) declares the outbreak of the disease as a Public Health Emergency of International Concern.

January 31 – The United Kingdom and Gibraltar formally withdraw from the European Union at 11PM (GMT), beginning an 11-month transition period.

January 2020 was the hottest January in recorded history according to National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration

February

February 3 – Cruise ship Diamond Princess with 3711 passengers quarantined in Yokohama port, Japan after cases of coronavirus found on board.

February 5 – The US Senate acquits US president Donald Trump on articles of impeachment.

February 8 – 20 people dies in a mall shooting in Thailand.

February 9 – Deaths from the Coronavirus overtake those of Sars (2003) with 813 deaths worldwide.

February 10 – More than 30 bushfires put out by heaviest rainfall for 30 years in New South Wales, Australia, helping end one of the worst bushfire seasons ever, 46 million acres burnt, over 1 billion animals killed, 34 people dead.

February 11 – Snow falls in Baghdad, Iraq, for only the second time in a century.

February 23 – First major coronavirus outbreak in Europe in Italy with 152 cases and three deaths, prompting emergency measures, locking down 10 towns in Lombardy.

February 23 – China's Supreme Leader Xi Jinping describes the country's coronavirus outbreak as the China's largest health emergency since 1949.

February 24 – Former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein found guilty of rape and a criminal sexual act.

February 29 – Luxembourg becomes the first country in the world to make all public transport in the country (buses, trams, and trains) free to use.

February 29 – A conditional peace agreement is signed between the United States and the Taliban in Doha, Qatar. The U.S. begins gradually withdrawing troops from Afghanistan.

March

March 8 – Italy places 16 million people in quarantine, more than a quarter of its population, in a bid to stop the spread of COVID-19. A day later, the quarantine is expanded to cover the entire country, becoming the first country to apply this measure nationwide.

March 9 – International share prices fall sharply in response to a Russo-Saudi oil price war and the impact of COVID-19. The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) plunges more than 2,000 points, the largest fall in its history up to that point. Oil prices also plunge by as much as 30% in early trading, the biggest fall since 1991.

March 11 – The World Health Organization declares the COVID-19 outbreak a pandemic with 121,564 cases worldwide and 4,373 deaths.

March 11 – Harvey Weinstein is sentenced to 23 years in prison for a criminal sex act and rape in New York.

March 12 – Global stock markets crash. The Dow Jones Industrial Average goes into free fall, closing at over −2,300 points, the worst losses for the index since 1987.

March 13 – The government of Nepal announces that Mount Everest will be closed to climbers and the public for the rest of the season due to concerns from the COVID-19 pandemic in Asia.

March 14 – Spain goes into lockdown after COVID-19 cases in the country surge.

March 16 – The Dow Jones Industrial Average falls by 2,997, the single largest point drop in history and the second-largest percentage drop ever at 12.93 percent, an even greater crash than Black Monday (1929).

March 17 – European leaders close the EU's external and Schengen borders for at least 30 days in an effort to curb the COVID-19 pandemic.

March 17 – The island of Luzon, the largest island of the Philippines, is placed under the enhanced community quarantine due to the coronavirus pandemic in the country.

March 18 – The European Broadcasting Union announces that the Eurovision Song Contest 2020 will be cancelled due to COVID-19 in Europe, the first cancellation in the contest's 64-year history.

March 20 – The worldwide death toll from COVID-19 surpasses 10,000 as the total number of cases reaches a quarter of a million.

March 20 – Smoke from Australian bushfires killed more people than the fires - 417 vs 33 according to new study published in "Medical Journal of Australia."

March 22 – A prison riot in Colombia, which was sparked by coronavirus fears, left 23 inmates dead and another 83 injured.

March 24 – Indian PM Narendra Modi orders a 21 day lockdown for world's second most populous country of 1.3 billion people.

March 26 – Global COVID-19 cases reach 500,000, with nearly 23,000 deaths confirmed. American cases exceed all other countries, with 81,578 cases and 1,180 deaths.

March 28 – North Korea launched an unidentified projectile off the coast of Japan. This is the sixth launch in the last month.

March 30 – The price of Brent Crude Oil falls 9% to $23 per barrel, the lowest level since November 2002.

March 30 – The International Olympic Committee and Japan suspend the 2020 Summer Olympics and are rescheduled for July 23 to August 8, 2021.

April

April 2 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 1 million worldwide.

April 5 – British Prime Minister Boris Johnson admitted to hospital suffering from coronavirus COVID-19.

April 7 – Japan declares a state of emergency in response to COVID-19, and finalises a stimulus package worth 108 trillion yen (US$990 billion), equal to 20% of the country's GDP.

April 10 – The death toll from COVID-19 exceeds 100,000 globally.

April 14 – The International Monetary Fund (IMF) says it expects the world economy to shrink 3%, the worst contraction since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

April 14 – US President Donald Trump freezes funding for the World Health Organization pending a review, for mistakes in handling the coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic and for being "China-centric", prompting international criticism.

April 15 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 2 million worldwide.

April 16 – 22 million Americans have filed for unemployment in 4 weeks (5.2 million in the last week), wiping out 9 1/2 years of job gains.

April 20 – Oil prices reach a record low.

April 25 – The global death toll from COVID-19 exceeds 200,000.

April 27 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 3 million worldwide.

April 28 – US Department of Defense releases three declassified videos of possible UFOs from 2004 and 2015.

April 30 – British Captain Tom Moore, who raised more £30 million for the National Health Service walking in his garden, turns 100 and made an honorary colonel by the Queen.

May

May 5 – The UK death toll from COVID-19 becomes the highest in Europe.

May 6 – Irish organisation repays a 170 year old favor, raising over $2 million (to date) for US Navajo Nation and Hopi Reservation badly affected by coronavirus. In 1840s Choctaw Nation sent $170 to aid Irish potato famine.

May 6 – Hungary has become the first EU member state to lose their democractic status according to the NGO Freedom House.

May 10 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 4 million worldwide.

May 12 – Gunmen storm a maternity hospital and kill 24 people, including two newborn babies, in Dashte Barchi, a majority-Shia neighborhood of Kabul, Afghanistan.

May 13 – Every African country now has cases of coronavirus COVID-19.

May 14 – The UN warns of a global mental health crisis caused by isolation, fear, uncertainty and economic turmoil.

May 16 – 118-year old American department store JC Penney files for bankruptcy.

May 19 – Greenhouse gas emissions dropped 17% worldwide in April 2020 when world was in lockdown, in study published in "Nature Climate Change."

May 19 – Two dams on Tittabawassee River in central Michigan breached by floodwaters, forcing evacuation of thousands of residents.

May 21 – Cyclone Amphan makes landfall in eastern India and Bangladesh, killing over 100 people and forcing the evacuation of more than 4 million others. It causes over US$13 billion in damage, making it the costliest cyclone ever recorded in the North Indian Ocean.

May 26 – George Floyd, an African-American man dies after he was handcuffed and lying face down on a city street during an arrest, Derek Chauvin, a white Minneapolis police officer kept his knee on Floyd's neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds despite he was pleading for breath.

May 26 – Costa Rica becomes the first Central American country to legalise same-sex marriage.

May 26 – Twitter adds warning labels to warn about inaccuracies in US President Donald Trump's tweets for the first time.

May 26 – After a recording by a bystander about the arrest of George Floyd went viral the four officers who were present were fired. The same day a demonstrations and protests took place in the Minneapolis–Saint Paul area.

May 27 – The Chinese National People's Congress votes in favour of national security legislation that prevents subversion, terrorism, separatism and foreign interference in Hong Kong.

May 27 – Spain begins 10 days of mourning for victims of COVID-19.

May 28 – The United States Department of Justice released a joint statement with the FBI, saying they had made the investigation into George Floyd's death "a top priority".

May 29 – Derek Chauvin was arrested and charged him with third-degree murder and second-degree manslaughter, becoming the first white officer in Minnesota to be charged for the death of a black civilian.

May 30 – The first crewed flight of the Dragon 2 is launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, the first manned spacecraft to take off from U.S. soil since 2011. The next day the spacecraft successfully reached the International Space Station (ISS).

May 31 – Since May 26 over a 100 city in all 50 states in the US was held supporting those seeking justice for George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter movement, and speaking out against police brutality.

May 31 – The hacktivist group Anonymous released a video after remaining silent for 3 years demanding justice for George Floyd.

May 31 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 6 million worldwide.

[master-sass-blast]

I’m like 95% sure that (Y/N) has a video of Piotr making her pancakes and wearing only an apron and gray sweat pants and it’s captioned: “this man railed me 20 minutes ago and now he’s making me chocolate chip pancakes. I fucking win at life”

Or at least something like that 😂😂😂

How does it feel to have the biggest brain of us all, Nonny?

Yeah, you're absolutely correct. This has happened in the CHC at some point. It's canon, even if I never get around to writing bc I have five kajillion projects on my list. You have made CHC canon, nonny. Be proud sldjflkdsjfldsjfldsjkf.

That video goes to Wade, specifically, who sends back a video of him whining at Nate about why Nate doesn't make him chocolate chip pancakes after destroying his guts.

I can't fathom what Nate's response would be. Maybe a quip about Wade "not being a winner at life" if he's feeling particularly sarcastic.

[scatterpatter]

Tired: Zodiac Signs

Wired: Which era of Unus Annus was your birthday video in

Beginning Era

November 15-December 6

Notable Videos: Cooking With Sex Toys, the trio of Cupping videos, Mark and Ethan Summon a Ghost, Play-Doh Thanksgiving, We Buy a Professional Hypnosis Video and React To It, Mark and Ethan Attempt an Escape Room

NOT A MASOCHIST Era

December 7-January 3

Notable Videos: Ethan Destroys Mark's Van with a Bat, Ethan Gives Mark a Viking Funeral, Acupuncture is NOT Painful, We Made Nude Paintings of Eachother, We Had To Drink Each Other's Pee, Preserving Ourselves in Wax, Donating Toys to Charity w/ JackSepticEye, We Took The Polar Plunge, We Eat Bugs

Disclaimer Era

January 4-January 19

Notable Videos: DIY Bungee Jump(please don't try this), Ethan finally becomes a MAN, Mark And Ethan Go Casket Shopping, Fixing Mark's Hole with Ramen but Every Time We Add Glue We Get 5% Closer to God, DIY Geriatric Simulator

Going Further Beyond Era

January 20-February 16

Notable Videos: We Cryogenically Freeze Ourselves, We Hired a Real Hypnotherapist to Analyze Our Darkest Dreams, Hacking The Very Fabric Of The Universe, Turning Mark Into an E-Boy, Literally Eating Fire, Unregulated Axe Throwing, Nutball: The Most Dangerous Game

Out And About Era

February 17-March 23

Notable Videos: Chickens Teach Us About Life and Death, Goat Yoga, We Wrote a Hit Pop Song in 30 Minutes, Middle School Science Experiment Teaches Us About Life and Death, The Barrel - Official Music Video, We Got Pepper Sprayed, Beer Sauna: Turning a Portable Sauna into a Portable Hell, Mark and Ethan are Now Fathers, We Force James Charles to Run a Military Obstacle Course

Covid Era

March 24-May 14

Notable Videos: Desperately Trying To Not Touch Our Faces, Where in the World is Unus Annus?, We Made Every YouTuber Battle in the Hunger Games, Help Us Break a YouTube World Record, The Secret Unus Annus No-Touchy-Touchy Hand Shake, What the Hell is a Pink Trombone?, We Attempted to Create THICC Water

The Halfway Era

May 15-June 16

Notable Videos: The End of Unus Annus is Almost Here..., Mark Cooks Blindfolded While Ethan Guides Him Through FaceTime, Only UNUS-es/ANNUS-es May Watch This Video, DIY Wine, Reacting to Your Hilarious Green Screen Memes, Mark Teaches Ethan to Read with Hooked on Phonics, Recreating Childhood Photos

Renaissance Era

June 17-July 25

Notable Videos: Pee Sauna, The Ultimate Paper Airplane Showdown, Bear Trapping 101: An Elegant Knot For An Elegant Beast, Ethan Teaches Mark How to Swim, Recreating Mark's Childhood, Mark and Ethan Look at a Puppy for 10 Minutes, The Unus Annus Space Program, Preparing a 5-Star Meal for Our Youtube Famous Dogs(hee hee hoo hoo this was my birthday video), Would Chica Save Us From Drowning?

The Dessert Era

July 26-August 20

Notable Videos: The Beginning of The End, The Annual Unus Annus Dunk Contest, A Serious Conversation Under the Stars, Mark and Ethan Share a Drink, Hydro Dipping A Baby, Puberty Simulator, Transforming Mark into the 8th Wonder of the World, 1 Gallon of Jello Nearly Broke Us

Camp Unus Annus Era

August 21-August 30

Notable Videos: Too Many Pickles, Pitching a Tent in the Woods But There's a Bear 15 Feet Away, How to Safely Bury Your Friend, How to Start a Fire (except don't...), Hunting HeeHoo, Was 2020 a Bad Year for Unus Annus?

Road To Goodbye Era

August 31-September 12

Notable Videos: Mark Gives Ethan a HOT (stone) Massage, Mark Teaches Ethan How to March in a Marching Band, We Finally Drank Our DIY Wine, Making Snow Cones With Literally Anything But Normal Flavors, We Ate Dog Treats So You Don't Have To

SCP Era

September 13-October 29

Notable Videos: We Accidentally Made an SCP While Amy Was Away, Pee Soda, Mark Knows What Ethan Did..., Bobbing For Apples But the Water Keeps Getting Thiccer, Literally Finding a Needle in a Haystack, The Painful World of Aerial Silks, This Video is Completely Unedited, Momiplier Tells Us True Scary Stories from Korea, We Force Mark to Swim in the Ocean (HIS GREATEST FEAR), Cryptid Olympics, Blood Bath

Ending Era

October 30-November 14

Notable Videos: Ethan Kidnapped Mark, The Truth of Unus Annus, The Unus Annus Last Supper, Recreating Every Single Unus Annus Video, Who's Cutting Onions In Here???, God's Fitness Test, Everything's Legal If You're Dead, The Unus Annus Annual Sleepover, Goodbye.

[avinaccia]

A Completely Objective and Logical Ranking of Every Hetalia Character Song

New character songs are dropping,  I have too much time on my hands, let’s go. 

Also here’s a Youtube playlist for the ~✨nostalgia✨~

Bring it on in the tags 

71. Ah Legendary Class⭐The Awesome Me Highway [Prussia]: Absolutely tearing it up on the drums and on the vocal cords alike (I pray for Atsushi Kousaka). Great for the memes. 

70.  Happy Thoughts Museum [???]: This is listed as an official song but I had literally never heard of the title. Then I listened to it and BAM! Smack back to 2013 watching the teasers for the show on Funimation. Not sure I’d count it as a character song though...

69. (Nice)  My Song that is written by me for me [Prussia]: Deafened me but I can appreciate the industrial grind.

68.  My House is...Quiet. ~With the Trolls~ [Norway]: I have never heard this song, nor can I find any version of it online. By default it goes here and I am so sorry Norge.

67.  Make a Wish to Santa♪ [Sealand]: The discordant notes and childish exuberance only serve to make this sound like a demonic plea to Santa to eliminate the singer’s enemies.

66.  Heaven and Hell on Earth [Rome]: Rome sounds like he’s been in the corner of a restroom. Extra points for the metal version, minus points for the fact that the beach scene was replayed like 1764 times.

65. Canada Complete Introduction [Canada]: Quiet af until Kumacheerio shows up and blows out your speakers. they did you dirty my darling 😔

64.  It’s Easy!!! [America]: I don't think any video of this has ever stayed up for more than 20 seconds. Sounds cool, but like I was listening to 20 different genres at once, someone make him calm down.

63.  Bù Zàiyì the Small Stuff ☆ [China]: I cannot for the life of me find the complete song anywhere, clips have a cool beat though

62.  Let's Boil Hot Water♪ [Italy]: Exactly what it says on the tin..though a bit too close to elevator music for my tastes.

61.  The Fragrance of Early Summer [Japan]: Very ‘from the books’ Japan-esque song

60.  Peace Sounds Nice…[Baltic Trio]: All well and good until the radio demon shows up

59.  W●D●C ~World Dancing~ [America]: How a song can sound like it’s from 4 different decades at once is beyond me

58.  Overflowing Passion [BFT]: This is just drunken karaoke and I have 0 clue what’s going on #iconicforallthewrongreasons

57. Ren●Ren●Renaissance♪ [Rome+Chibitalia]: Wholesome Grandpa with Grandson content - barring the fact that Italy sounds on the verge of a nervous breakdown and Rome has had too much wine.

56.  Roma Antiqua [Rome]: Similar energy to any one of China’s songs - there’s a part of the song where it sounds like he’s singing in the shower, and I will never not laugh at [CENSORED]

55.  Country From Where the Sun Rises, Zipangu [Japan]: Very chill, very Japan, but just meh for me.

54.  Moon Over Emei Shan [China]: Good message, okay song.

53.  My Friend [England]: What a mind palace you must have Mr. Kirkland

52.  With Love, from Iceland [Iceland]: Three words: Heavy. Metal. Puffin.

51.  Having Friends is Nice...♫ [Russia]: Russia is the cutest thing ever

50.  Mm. [Sweden]: Smooth transition from WWE Smackdown to shopping at IKEA.

49.  Why don’t you come over? ~Beyond the Northern Lights~ [Iceland]: I don’t want to be mean but...this does sound like the second closing theme to an anime whose first closing was much more popular (à la Soul Eater)

48. Gakuen☆Festa [Germany, Italy, Japan]: Sounds like a 60s song of the summer but oh dear their voices do not go together. Hella cute though.

47.  Wa! Wa!! World Ondo [Main Cast]: One time I travelled 10 hours in a coach bus with a bunch of teenagers to a city of note in my country, and the only souvenir I bought was the fucking PAINT IT WHITE DVD. Perfectly chaotic, UN ĐĕùX~~

46.  In the Bluebell Woods [England]: In the album cover for this song he’s holding a guitar but this is not a rock song. Still has ‘running through the hills’ levels of dramatism though.

45.  Poi Poi Poi♪ [Taiwan]: You’re telling me that Taiwan, someone whose has *ONE LINE* in Beautiful World (which is criminal tbh what kind of representation-) managed to get an eNTIRE CHARACTER SONG???????

44.  White Flame [Russia]: There’s something to be said for a song that is 3x the length of any Hetalia episode

43.  Ich liebe… [Germany]: Baking cakes for your friends has never been so wholesome.

42.  We Wish you a Merry Christmas [America, China, England, France, Russia]: Nice to see they’ve gotten their shit together since United Nations Sta-hmm.

41.  Ah, Worldwide à la mode [France]: Sounds like a Disney Princess song, hard not to picture France frolicking in a field of flowers.

40.  Che Bello! ~My House is the Greatest!⭐~ [Italy]: Would not be out of place in an advertisement for Sea World.

39.  May You Smile Today [Japan]: THE feel good song of the summer

38.  Let’s Look Behind the Rainbow [Italy]: I will protect you.

37.  I'm your HERO☆ [America]: “Anyone who’s sad or sullen will be arrested” did NOT age well.

36.  Mein Gott! [Prussia]: Alternating headphone effect at the beginning is cool, so is the confidence...the actual singing on the other hand...

35. Nihao⭐China [China]: Listen, all of China’s character songs are great, I just can’t vibe with this one like some of the others.

34.  Pechka ~Light My Heart~ [Russia]: I’m still having difficulty wrapping my head around the fact that this and Winter were released at the same time.

33.  Pukapuka⭐Vacation [Germany, Italy, Japan]: Seems just a bit too much like they’re running on a treadmill that’s picking up speed and trying to sing at the same time. Peppy.

32.  Santa Claus is Coming to Town [Germany, Italy, Japan]: This is unironically the best song sung by this trio; can only vibe with for two months out of the year though.

31.  Excuse Me, I Am Sorry [Japan]: Japan’s character traits speedrun. Gives me barbershop quartet vibes for some reason but is catchy as hell.

30.  The Story of Snow and Dreams [Russia]: A superhero anime opening in the making

29. England’s Evil Demon Summoning Song [England]: Sir that is not how you roast a marshmallow, don’t cut yourself on that edge.

28.  Moi Moi Sauna♪ [Finland]: Exactly the type of song you’d expect and it’s wonderful

27.  United Nations Star⭐ [America, China, England, France, Russia]: This isn’t as much of a song as it is a four minute struggle for everyone to sing without America yelling every 5 seconds...Like a particularly musical episode of Hetalia.

26.  Paris is Indeed Splendid [France]: Paris-pa-pa-pa-paris

25.  Absolutely Invincible British Gentleman [England]: Poppy, rocky, polka-dotty

24.  Vorwärts Marsch! [Germany]: To quote the comment section: “This sounds like a German version of I’ll Make a Man out of you.” There’s some truth to that.

23.  Hamburger Street [America]: The product of America’s rapper phase. 8/10 because he’s trying so hard and because I can unironically sing along to all of this.

22.  Hoi Sam☆Nice Guy [Hong Kong]: A song that would absolutely destroy the ankles of anyone in DDR.

21.  I Am German-Made [Germany]: There was once a version that had Germany and Prussia singing at the same time and it sounded positively demonic and Broadway could never

20.  La pasión no se detiene ~Unstoppable Passion~ [Spain]: Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping...

19.  Fall in Love, Mademoiselle [France]: Sounds like it should be in Mozart Opera Rock, I have kiss kiss falled in love.

18. Embrace the Très Bien Moi [France]: This is the definition of SELF LOVE PEOPLE. 

17. Carrot and Stick [Belarus&Ukraine]: Absolutely DRIPPING in 2000s power ballad energy. The type of song that plays on repeat in the mind of the widow whose millionaire husband ‘mysteriously disappeared’ (and the only legit character song ever acknowledged by the anime)

16. C.B.C (Cowboyz Boot Camp) Vol. 1 [America]: AH MAH GAWWDDD

15. Winter [Russia]: Heavy metal fever dream and the perfect song for an angst-ridden teenager

14.  Seychelles Here ⭐ Vacation Island [Seychelles]: UN👏DER👏RA👏TED SONG👏OF 👏THE 👏SUM👏MER👏

13.  Nah, it will settle itself somehow [Romano]: One day I aspire to reach this level of chill

12.  Let’s Enjoy Today [England]: I will never not feel happy when listening to this.

11.  Einsamkeit [Germany]: Ludwig manages to air every single one of his worries about not being good enough compared to his friends and always being perceived as mean or uptight when he’s actually just a softie and now my heart hurts. 💔

10.  Aiyaa Four Thousand Years [China]: A very poignant and beautiful song about the passage of time and the inevitability of its passing; comparable to an ancient ballad complete with explosive crescendos and meaningful lyrics.

9.  Bon Bon Bon❤️C’est Bon C’est Bon! [France]: Peppy, cheerful, adorable, groundbreaking; has been my alarm tone for six years and I’ve yet to tire of it. 9/10 The moaning interspersed throughout has been an interesting wake-up call.

8.  Let’s Enjoy! Let’s Get Excited! Cheers! [Denmark]: This is on par with Everytime we Touch by Cascada in terms of rage potential unlocked (the good kind)

7.  Dream Journey [Japan]: Whoever’s playing the shakuhachi is absolutely KILLING IT. Dramatic, wonderful, great metaphors.

6.  Gourmet’s Heart Beginner Level [China]: Absolute banger, I’m a vegetarian but this would inspire me to eat shumai.

5.  Always with you...Nordic Five! [Nordic FIVVVVVEEEE]: Everyone harmonizes beautifully except for Denmark. Extremely catchy, number placement seemed appropriate. 

4.  Pub and GO! [England]: I love this trash man

3. Maji Kandou⭐Hong Kong Night [Hong Kong]: If you thought Denmark’s song was a banger JUST YOU WAIT. I WILL BLOW OUT MY SPEAKERS LISTENING TO LO-HA-SU.

2. Steady Rhythmus [Germany]: THIS SONG IS METAL AF. Seriously, if it can be classified as ‘hardcore’ by my father and his group of 50-somethings who have decided to single-handedly gatekeep the metal and hardrock genres, it can do anything.

1.  The Delicious Tomato Song 🍅 [Romano]: Beautiful, absolutely awe-inspiring, poignant, catchy lyrics with an extremely deep meaning that only years of meticulous research and analysis can unlock, Romano I love you.

BONUS: Closing Songs

5. Hatafutte Parade (World Series) 

4. Hetalian⭐Jet (The World Twinkle): The song is good, the dancing is cursed 

3. Chikyuu Marugoto Hug Shitainda (World⭐Stars)

2. Marukaite Chikyuu (Hetalia: Axis Powers): nE NE PaPA

1. Mawaru Chikyuu Rondo (The Beautiful World)