#this job is obsessed with not giving the full fucking info for anything ever and it’s so annoying

[lilgynt]

worst day at this job is still leagues better than good day at my old place but lord all mighty this fucking place can give me a headache for hours on end

[evilkitten3]

akatsuki members (and affiliates) who need to be under constant supervision:

-deidara (will blow up anything including himself if he gets pissy enough. or if he just thinks it'd be fun. can't actually choke you to death with his thighs but he'd like to think he could)

-hidan (absolutely no concept of reasonable decisions whatsoever. may abandon duties in favor of religious business. way too open about personal things)

-itachi (might walk into a tree. sometimes tortures children but only the ones he cares about. acts functional but makes the worst decisions you've ever seen in your life. genius level intellect but unfortunately also an idiot)

-obito (might be too busy being silly to do his job. or worse, might decide to stop being silly. guaranteed to solve every minor problem by turning it into a major catastrophe)

-nagato (can't really move around much. or at all. one time an old man broke into his house and stole his eyeballs and replaced them with new eyeballs. not clear if he noticed this)

-orochimaru (may get too distracted by The Science. may also vivisect other members if given the opportunity. probably has abandonment issues but will torture you to death if you ask)

-black zetsu (mommy issues. will probably call you slurs. lies a LOT. needs to be supervised if only for damage control. uses it/its pronouns but doesn't really care too much)

-karin (might get bit. or develop unhealthy attachments to emotionally unavailable men. excellent at gaslight and gatekeep, too much of a failgirl to achieve girlboss)

-suigetsu (usually fine so long as he's kept hydrated, but enjoys pissing people off too much to be truly safe. craves destruction. could probably function just fine if he wanted to tho)

-madara (wants to fight his fuckbuddy and fuck his fightbuddy. they are the same person. if left alone will sulk in a cave for a few decades about this. also grandpa needs his meds. might steal some eyeballs)

-tobi (might try to eat poop)

akatsuki members (and affiliates) who can probably be left unattended for a bit:

-kakuzu (might sell your organs but only if it's worth the time it would take him to extract them. will probably snap and kill you if you don't give him some space anyway)

-kabuto (might develop a psychosexual obsession with someone and try to become them. probably not a big deal. ask him about his ninja info cards)

-juugo (usually fine so long as he doesn't snap. might teach you to be friends with birds, which is a nice plus. will project his dead friend onto you sometimes but we all gotta cope somehow)

-sasuke (can technically function on his own for extended periods of time but something horrifically traumatic will inevitably happen to him so he should probably have someone nearby just in case)

-white zetsu (may decide to be helpful in ways you don't necessarily want but mostly is friend-shaped. excellent corpse disposal. likely has several witty responses in store in case he's ever asked "you and what army" )

-yahiko (usually fine! however may take drastic measures if his loved ones are in danger, unintentionally dooming them to become what they once stood against. might not value his own life quite enough)

akatsuki members (and affiliates) functional enough to supervise:

-pain (he's six corpses in a trench coat. six trench coats. whatever. he can look out for himself. can keep an eye or sixteen out for the others. technically just nagato in six funny hats)

-konan (exhausted. she's so tired. watched her bf commit suicide with her other bf's knife to save her life, then watched her other bf puppet around the first bf's corpse while she effectively gave him palliative care. full of love and also bombs)

-juuzou (always willing to help show young new terrorists the ropes. may ask you to join a suicide pact but has likely packed snacks for the road. will likely teach you some kind of valuable lesson or other)

-kisame (cares so much. love is stored in the sharkman. you can trust this man with anything. sensitive to comments about his appearance but will bounce back. very polite. honest. ride or die like you wouldn't believe. babysat itachi for five years and never lost respect for him, which is probably the most impressive thing anyone's done in this series. sword broke up with him for a rapper)

I think the only reason the Akatsuki were paired up that way was that, after the first mission they went on, everyone realized that unless the goal is “complete and total desolation of the village and surrounding area”, Deidara and Hidan cannot go on missions without supervision, much less with EACH OTHER as supervisors. 

They both need adult supervision.

[skiller0dani]

Broken Paradise | Spencer Reid

M A S T E R L I S T Criminal Minds Masterlist

smut requests info wc | 9.1k summary | you run into an ex boyfriend during an interrogation. except it's you being interrogated, and it's your ex boyfriend doing the interrogating.

song

another draft just waiting to be published. really obsessing over Spencer Reid.

also there's mentions of abortion, nothing graphic it's literally just a short direct reference and nothing else.

You always hear people say your past will come back to haunt you, you just didn't know they meant literally. You leaned back against the metal chair in the interrogation room, you've been in here for what felt like hours. You couldn't complain too much seeing as it's your fault that you're in here at all. You wished they'd come in and tell you something, give you an update, say hi, say anything. You seriously underestimated how maddening silence can be. You knew little about the murders the police were investigating, something about druggie women being found mutilated. The pictures they showed you were downright horrifying, you'd need at least one solid bottle of tequila to forget the bodies of those poor women.

The Las Vegas Police Department were a bunch of judgmental pigs, the only reason they'd brought you here at all was because you were from the wrong side of the tracks. Both of your parents were users, and if you were lucky, also dead. They probably assumed you used as well, and seeing as you seemed to fit the killers physical preference the police brought you in for questioning and also for your own "safety". But really you knew they didn't give a damn about your safety, they just wanted to know where you got your shit from. No matter how many times you insisted you didn't use, they kept pushing. When one male officer started throwing your parents in your face, you stood up and promptly broke his nose. That's how you landed yourself cuffed to the table, tightly.

"Oh thank you so much for gracing me with your presence once more." You smiled sarcastically as another officer walked in, wait he's definitely not an officer. The man who entered the room had cleanly cut dark hair, and wore an expensive looking black suit. Not the run of the mill beat cop that you were expecting. You bit back any other fiery remarks, if you wanted to get the hell out of here you needed to cooperate. Diana would be expecting you, not that you were itching to see her but after letter number 75 of her begging you to swing by- well lets just say that Spencer's mother was never the problem. You doubt Spencer even knew Diana was contacting you, which was good. You wanted nothing at all to do with him.

"I'm Agent Hotchner here with the FBI I need to ask you a few questions." This man was all business, you seriously had to fight the urge to fuck with him a little bit.

"I'd shake your hand but..." Your eyes flickered towards the table, where the police officer who's nose you broke had very tightly handcuffed you. In fact he cuffed you so tightly that your wrists were already raw and bleeding a bit.

"They wouldn't have handcuffed you if you didn't punch an officer. Did he hit a nerve?" The Agent's face was level, and gave nothing away as to what he was thinking. You tongued the inside of your cheek, your foot tapping quickly on the concrete floor. These assholes were really starting to piss you off.

"He was being a dick, how many times do I have to tell you guys that I don't use? Are your heads filled with sawdust?" You snapped roughly, yanking away from him to lean back in your chair despite the biting pain in your wrists.

"That's not why I'm here Miss Y/L/N." Agent Hotchner said, his voice even and his eyes on you. The way he was looking at you made you feel exposed, like he could read all of your secrets because of the way your eye twitches when you're nervous. You hate these damn FBI profilers- wait.

"How's Spencer?" It's a shot in the dark, a very long shot in a very dark tunnel. Before the scumbag left you without warning, Spencer mentioned that someone was trying to recruit him for the BAU department of the FBI. The profilers. Spencer left and never came back, two guesses as to where he went. Your eyes locked onto the Agent's in front of you, and from the slight upturn at the corner of his brow you knew you got him. Spencer is here.

"You know Dr. Reid?"

"So he's a Doctor now, doesn't surprise me. Let me guess, he has PHD's and Doctorates in Math, Chemistry and something to do with Geography right?" You say as casually as you can and you can only hope this man is wondering how you happen to know so much about one of his Agents.

"Unless I'm speaking to Spencer Reid, I want my lawyer." You snap, leaning back. You know Spencer won't talk to you, and unless they have physical proof you're guilty of something they'll have to let you go.

Check mate.

//

Spencer couldn't ignore the questioning glances from his fellow teammates even if he'd wanted to. He watched you lean back in your chair from the other side of the one way glass, what are the chances that you are wrapped up in this case? You of all young petite blonde women in the metro area. The world was fucking with him, it had to be.

"She a friend of yours?" Derek's voice was the first to cut through the silence.

"No." One word answers were the safest route, the shortest diction would give little time for them to draw information out of the way Spencer was speaking. There was a tremble in his tone, he knew there was. Spencer prided himself for having little to no baggage behind him, but of all unopened suitcases- his previous relationship with you was the largest one.

"Really? Cause she seems to know a lot about you." Derek said, his eyes fixed on Spencer. The tension in the room was palpable, and suddenly it felt hard for Spencer to breathe let alone compose himself. After shoving free from the small viewing room, Spencer found it a lot easier to exist without the scrutinizing gazes of his coworkers.

"You hear her?" It was Hotch, with a patiently guarded expression on his face. Spencer and drugs wasn't an uncommon problem, although in the past his poison of choice was dilaudid. Now there's a string of drug related murders and a possible junky who seems to know a lot about him.

"Yeah, from before the Bureau." Spencer clarified quickly, and Hotch honestly looked the tiniest bit relieved.

"Think you could talk to her, she's made it obvious she won't talk to any of us." Hotch said, and from the tension building in Spencer's shoulders he can tell there's some bad blood between the two of you. Spencer took a deep breath before taking all of those unresolved emotions and forcefully shoving them down. Deep, deep down. It's time to do a job, there's a missing woman who needs to be saved.

//

When that door opened again, you thought you'd won. You thought they were coming to begrudgingly release you. Instead you were met by the big doey eyes of Spencer Reid, your first and last love. All the air was stolen from your lungs in an instant, the memories flood back and you can't stop them. The anger rises then, this is the first time you've seen him since he left you. The one person you trusted not to leave you did, he left like everyone leaves you. Like your parents left you. He's very clearly all business, his face hardly giving anything away as he swiftly reached down to unlock the handcuffs around your wrists. If you wanted to walk away from this without your heart getting broken you needed the upper hand.

"Heya baby." You smiled, you hoped that maybe it would disarm him. At least a little, but when you looked at him all you saw was a stoic and focused expression. Nothing? Really?

"I need to ask you a few questions Miss Y/L/N." Spencer's voice was controlled, even in tone. His voice... God his voice could bring you right to tears. You could still hear him saying how much he loved you with that stupidly angelic voice of his. Spencer was very quickly taking control of the situation and you did not like that at all.

"You know you can ask me anything, there's no secrets between us right Spence?" You leaned forward on your elbows, trying desperately to ignore the throbbing in your wrists. One of Spencer's biggest giveaways is eye contact, when he's upset or feels guilty he'll avoid looking into your eyes. You turn your gaze up to meet his, but once again you're completely disarmed to see him unabashedly looking into your eyes like it isn't a problem at all. Either Spencer has amnesia and forgot who you were, or what happened between you two doesn't hurt him like it hurts you. You refuse to believe it's the latter, he just forgot. Definitely forgot. Somehow he must have forgot.

"Nina Fredricks, have you ever seen her?" He slid a photo in front of you, you recognize her as the woman who was most recently kidnapped. Most recently being 12 hours ago so chances of her still being alive are unfortunately slim. You nibble on your lower lip, come to think of it you actually might have seen her.

"Yeah, saw her at Winchell's, little coffee shop on the corner of 5th? You remember right Spence? You used take me there all the time, I loved giving you head under the table." You smirk, but it quickly falters. Whatever training he went through must have stripped him of all emotion and turned him into a machine. Built only to solve cases and do nothing else. That wasn't the case however, you just didn't know how good Spencer is at compartmentalizing his emotions. He could only imagine the looks on his coworkers faces upon hearing you say that, at least he can just say you were lying to try and illicit some sort of reaction from him. They don't have to know that you totally used to slip under the table and swallow his cock in a diner full of people. They don't know about that side of him, and Spencer doesn't plan on changing that.

"When?" He presses on with the interview, and surprisingly you're forthcoming with information when you're speaking to Spencer. Even after all this time, he has this annoying power over you. This innate ability to get you to do whatever he wants you to, although you would prefer him to use this special ability in the bedroom. No! No you have to eradicate thoughts like that, Spencer hurt you worse then anyone else ever has. He hurt you worse because he made you think he was going to stay, and then he didn't.

"Few nights ago, she looked really messed up though. Winchell threw her out, definitely doped up on something. Before you ask, no I didn't see where she went." You sigh, finally giving up flashing Spencer the all too familiar 'you win' look. Usually a victorious grin stretches across his face, but not this time. Those times are over.

"Did you see anybody with her?" You're not entirely surprised that Spencer isn't writing any of this down, that stupid eidetic memory. You're fooling yourself if you think he forgot what happened, Spencer never forgets anything. Ever.

"Every detail matters."

You genuinely try to remember if anybody was with Nina, and while you didn't see anyone you remember shortly after she left the diner there was this horrible screeching sound. "After Nina left I heard what sounded like tires screeching on the street. Never saw a car though."

"Thank you Miss Y/L/N, is there anything else you can remember about that night? Anything that sticks out?" After a few moments of quiet contemplation, you shake your head.

"Am I free to go?" You ask quietly and Spencer shakes his head.

"Unfortunately we're going to have to keep you in protective custody. We'll move you to a more comfortable room, but you'll need to stay in the precinct."

"But why? I'm not a drug addict-"

"You are exactly this killers type, and we don't know if looking a certain way is more important or if being a drug addict is when it comes to him choosing his victims." Spencer explains simply, his mouth moving a mile a minute as he stands. When he turns his eyes back on you, you realize he's waiting for you to follow him. You stand and follow him out of the cold interrogation room to a comfier waiting room. It has a table and chairs, vending machine and a big plush couch.

"You can stay in here, we'll let you know when it's safe to go home." Spencer says, and this is when you finally catch the crack in his façade. His eyes flicker away from yours, trying to disguise the waver in his voice, the desperation to vacate the room as quickly as he can. But now that you've seen him break, even a little, you're going to crack him wide open. You won't let it go that easily.

"Spencer?" Your voice is soft, with an innocent drawl that Spencer can't resist. He turns his head to look at you, swallowing thickly when his eyes meet yours.

"You do remember me don't you? Once upon a time we were in love." You see the rest of his coworkers trying and failing to look like they're not listening. But it's not like you care if they do, Spencer will though but luckily his back is to the door. After a few moments of tense silence, he finally speaks.

"Of course." It's not the answer you were hoping for but it's an admission, which is more then you were getting earlier.

"Do you miss me Spencer? Miss me in bed next to you?"

"W-Well I-"

"Do you miss when I used to cook your favorite dinner every night when you came over? Do you miss how I loved you unconditionally?" Your voice was steadily growing more hostile, and you knew there were tears building in your eyes. This has all been building up for so long you know you can't stop it now.

"Y/N-"

"Do you miss being able to fuck me whenever the hell you want? Is that what you miss the most Spencer? You must not miss me that much because when you left I didn't even get a fucking call! You didn't even say goodbye, you just left!" You were yelling now, with tears streaming down your face. Spencer had slyly shut the door by now, he knew this was going to happen the second he saw you. He wished he could help you understand why he had to leave the way he did. He was trying to protect you, and he still firmly believes he's protecting you. Look what happened to Haley, what happened to Maeve. Spencer loved Maeve and he lost her like Hotch lost Haley, and Spencer can't lose you. Not you. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to you.

"Please try to understand-" You never even let him get close to finishing his thought.

"Understand what? Leaving me? You said you loved me! How could you love me and then leave me alone? While I was pregnant!" Your hands flew to your mouth, you honestly never planned on telling him that. Spencer's eyebrows rose high in the air, and you can tell you just knocked the wind out of him. Spencer's hand reached back for the door handle, "pregnant?"

"Spencer I'm sorry I didn't mean to tell you that way." You tried to explain, and despite the fact that he'd abandoned you, you were dead terrified of him leaving again now that he was stood in front of you.

"Do I have a child you never told me about?" His voice is shaky, afraid. Now you can see all his coworkers heavily invested in your conversation.

"N-No, I...I got rid of it." You said softly, watching the mix of emotions swirl across his face. When his trembling palm curls around the door handle you launch forward to grab at his arm.

"I'm sorry, please don't leave. Not again-" But he's pulling his arm free from yours and turning out of the room, nearly slamming the door behind him.

//

Spencer ignored the questions, he ignored the looks. His legs gave out somewhere near one of the couches. He stared ahead numbly, trying to make sense of what you'd just told him. Trying to somehow wrap his head around the terror of you being pregnant and then the grief of the lost possibility all at the same time. By now, JJ and Rossi had shooed everyone away from Spencer. Which he was immensely grateful for, the only thing he wanted now was to be alone. Completely and entirely alone.

Pregnant.

The word kept replaying like a scratched record, screeching in his ears every time he closed his eyes. Spencer pressed the balls of his palms into his eyes when he heard the distinct sound of footsteps approaching him. Whoever it was, he already wished they would go away.

"Damn Kid, I didn't expect you to date such a spitfire." Derek joked as he sat down, doing what he can to ease the tension. Spencer didn't even bother looking up at him, his head stubbornly lowered and his gaze locked on the ground. Derek racked his brain for something adequate to say, but what was there to say? How could Derek find a way to make this right? Spencer just found out you were pregnant with his child and that you'd got an abortion all in the same 10 seconds. It was a lot to process.

"You gotta talk to her Spence." Derek's voice was less humorous this time. Spencer wrung his hands nervously, his eyes finally lifting to meet Derek's. A sharp shake of his head and a flash of the tears in his eyes and Spencer stands, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands. Time to get back to work. Someone has to talk to you, Derek can't stand of someone crying by themselves like that.

"It's not really my place-" JJ tried to argue as Derek stood in front of her.

"Someone needs to talk to her, and Spencer isn't going to." Derek said, rubbing a hand down his face as his eyes flickered back to Spencer. Who was currently throwing himself headfirst into the geographic profile of the killer they're looking for, because maybe if he works hard enough the rest of the entire world will just disappear. Maybe if Spencer keeps working and does nothing else you'll just vanish from that room and he won't have to deal with this. It's not that Spencer wants you to go away, the opposite actually but there isn't room in his life for you anymore. It's not safe. Spencer would rather be alone for the rest of his life then put you in danger because he's lonely and misses you.

"Alright, fine. But only for Spence." JJ says, jabbing a finger in Derek's direction before reluctantly heading towards the room you're in. She glances back at Spencer, who has become consumed by the map in front of him. JJ can always tell when something is bothering him, he has physical giveaways. The way his shoulders are rigid as he scribbles something on the whiteboard, the furrow in his brow that lets her know that while he's working on something, his mind is elsewhere. The tremble in his palm from trying so hard to hold everything back, everything he doesn't want anyone else to see. To someone that doesn't know Spencer, he looks perfectly composed, his attention and focus completely on his work. JJ knows him well enough to know that his mind, and heart are sitting tattered in this waiting room on the couch next to you.

JJ creaks the door open, flashing you a smile that makes you absolutely hate her guts. Spencer probably has some puppy love crush on her, she's beautiful. Long blonde hair, slender body, stunning smile. Everything you're not.

"Hi I'm Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, but you can call me JJ." The way she's looking at you lets you know that she came in here to try and understand. You're not in the mood to talk to her or anybody else in this stupid building except for Spencer. You want to hate him so bad but you can't. You can't because of how much you fucking love him. The bastard.

"Look I know you're probably not all that excited to talk to me-"

"I want Spencer." You snap, and by the look on her face you can tell she isn't surprised that you said that. JJ chewed on the inside of her cheek, how does she say that Spencer doesn't actually want to talk to you?

"Dr. Reid is needed elsewhere right now, but I'm willing to talk if you need to."

"You don't have to lie Agent Jareau. I know he doesn't want to see me, he's doing that thing where he pretends to work on something while secretly obsessing over something else." You say casually, and the fact that you can pick Spencer apart so easily is somewhat off-putting to JJ. But that could be her unrequited crush on him shining through, deep down JJ doesn't like that some other woman knows Spencer better then she does. While you'd love to sit here and wallow in your misery, a much worse idea strikes you then. If you can't talk to Spencer why not fuck with the woman who's clearly in love with him.

"And the little twitch in his fingers, the slight clench in his jaw. See that? He keeps rolling his shoulders back," while everything you were saying isn't a lie- it's guaranteed to annoy her. JJ stayed quiet, she hated that she didn't know what the goddamn twitch in his fingers meant.

"He's tense, but there's more. He can't stand still, keeps shifting from foot to foot. It's driving you crazy that you don't know why he's doing that." You laugh as her annoyed eyes flash to yours for a second before settling on Spencer again.

"You're a profiler, you can't figure it out? That doesn't surprise me, you've probably never considered the fact that Spencer has an unusually high sex drive." Your words completely stun her, and JJ's cheeks flush profusely.

"It means he's horny." You say casually, leaning back against the couch. You love the blush on her cheeks, and the fact that she's clearly biting her tongue to avoid saying something rude. You love that you got under her skin, and yes you're aware that you're a bad person. Now that you've said it, JJ can't get it out of her damn head. Spencer is horny. Spencer isn't a virgin. The thought of Spencer having sex makes JJ feel a sick turning in her gut. She was happy believing Spencer was a virgin, believing that nobody has gotten to experience that side of him yet. Happy to believe that he was untouched, but apparently that was not the case. Now that the illusion has been shattered, JJ feels as though the jagged pieces of it are cutting into her, and she knows you enjoy watching her bleed.

"Trust me, I know just what to do to relieve the tension, I know how to get him off quick. Do you?" You smile as you let your eyes shamelessly drag down his slender frame.

"You're only saying this because you want to control the conversation, and you hate that I see him everyday. That I can talk to him whenever I want, about whatever I want. You wouldn't lash out if you didn't feel intimidated." JJ says calmly, rendering you just as speechless as she was moments ago. The pain that was sent stabbing into your heart caused you to recoil back from JJ, trying to hide your misty eyes from hers. You can't let her know that she's winning.

"Look, we can both get nasty all we want but that's not why I'm here. I just want to help." JJ says sincerely, but you still don't budge. JJ taps her fingers against the wood of the table, thinking about leverage she can use to get you to talk to her.

"Spencer fell in love again." JJ says finally, and this time you turn your gaze up to look at her. You push your emotions down, no matter how much it hurts to hear her say that. Who is she? Are they still together?

"If you want to know more about her, then I suggest you talk to me. An answer for an answer, fair?" You can see her trying to bait you, and damn her because it's working.

"Fine." You grumble, leaning back fully against the couch. Your eyes catch Spencer's for a second when he turns to face the table, presumably looking for a map you remember being on the right side. You point to the right side of the table and Spencer looks nothing but annoyed when he follows your direction and finds what he's looking for. He hates that he functions better as a person when you're around.

"What's the deal with you and Spence?" JJ asks, and there is a lot to unpack with that question.

"Gonna have to be more specific." You say with a shrug, your eyes hesitantly meeting hers.

"How long were you two together?"

"2 years 8 months." You answer without pausing, causing her eyebrows to raise. JJ didn't expect you to remember down to the month, it's been years since you and Spencer were together. That's not a short fling like JJ originally thought, that's a substantial amount of time.

"What's her name?" You ask, desperate to get information on this mystery woman who has stolen Spencer from you.

"Her name was Maeve." Was. You don't miss how she says was instead of is.

"Why do you hate Spencer?" JJ looked like she cared, but you know it's not you she cares about. She's in here to try and protect Spencer in some way, she's acting like you're the villain.

"I don't hate him. He abandoned me. Just packed up and left, no note, no goodbye. Haven't heard from him since." You snap, hating the amount of emotion that was in your voice. JJ's eyebrows furrow, that's just so unlike Spencer. He's not cruel, he's never been cruel but that...is cruel. You see a look flash across her face.

"Sweet boy isn't as sweet as he seems." You say softly, folding your arms over your chest.

"He must have had a good reason." JJ insists, her eyes landing on Spencer's back as he continues to map out the hunting grounds of the killer. You know he's just wasting time to avoid coming back in here. Spencer is a certifiable super genius, he finished mapping it out a while ago. He's just pretending he hasn't finished yet.

"Spence still with her? Maeve." Her name felt like poison on your tongue, and JJ slowly shook her head.

"She died in front of him, really tore him up." Your heart cracks a little bit at her words, you can't imagine how hard that must have been for him. You see JJ open her mouth to ask something else when the door opens, and a man with darker skin pokes his head in.

"JJ? Reid found him, we gotta go." As soon as he arrived, he's gone with JJ hot on his heels. She sends you a smile before she rushes out of the room, and you see Spencer following her path out. They're going to arrest a murderer who has an arsenal of weapons at his disposal.

"Spencer! Y-You can't go, it's not safe!" You blurt from the doorway, and he pauses. His eyes find yours as he holsters his pistol, an unreadable expression on his face.

"It's my job." And that's all he says before he disappears out of the precinct, leaving you once again.

//

You couldn't quell the anxiety turning in your gut, you're not sure how to exist while Spencer is out there hunting a murderer. You wished that you could turn off the part of your brain that's still so damn attached to him, but no matter how hard you try you can't silence your heart as it calls for him. You're not sure you could survive the constant fear of losing him if you ever ended up with him again, this life is too much for you to take. Maybe he knew that all those years ago when he left you the first time, Spencer always could see right through you. Maybe he left because he knew staying would only lead you to live a life of constant fear, maybe he was trying to protect you. Either way the reasons don't matter anymore because he left, and nothing can change how badly that hurt you.

"Does it normally take this long?" You ask a passing officer, who in turn shrugs before continuing on his path. You feel like you're going to explode or vomit, or both. It's been over 2 hours, should it be taking this long? What if he got shot? What if he's dead right now and you're sitting here with your damn thumb up your ass worrying about him like a useless housewife? Feeling useless, that's what you hate the absolute most. Knowing there's nothing you can do to stop a bullet on it's trajectory to his heart.

"Spence, are you sure you're okay?" You hear a flurry of voices and when his name graces JJ's lips you're pushing out of the room. Your eyes find him instantly, and then travel to his palm which is pressed tightly to his neck. His bleeding neck. You feel your heart rate spike, hammering like the hooves of wild horses as you move without thinking about it. Before you even understand that you've moved, you're stood in front of him. Your eyes try to scan his neck for wounds but his palm covers the location the blood is coming from.

"C'mere." You grab his wrist and yank him back towards where you saw a first aid kit earlier. Luckily your 2 and a half years of nursing school taught you how to stitch a wound and perform basic first aid. Spencer offers no resistance as you yank him to a back corner of the precinct, pushing him to sit down. You grab the first aid kit, slowly prying his hand from his neck. Your eyes mist at the wound, it's a bullet wound. Looks old though, there's scarred tissue. This had to have happened a few weeks ago at least. You see the thin line of the scar, the middle section seems to have opened up again.

"You didn't wait long enough for this to heal." You scold gently, not missing how his eyes watch you with an intensity smoldering in them. You miss the way he used to look at you, the way he's looking at you right now. You miss being the center of his whole world, you scoff. Look how easy it was for him to walk away from you. You threat a needle to stitch the center of his wound shut again, and when you look for numbing cream you discover that there isn't any.

"Spence, there isn't any- I can't find the numbing..." Your voice trails off as you begin to yank things out of the first aid kit to search for the numbing cream. Spencer's hand catches your wrist and it's only just now that you realize you're trembling.

"It's okay. I'll be fine." He settles back against the chair he's sitting in, turning his head to reveal his neck to you. You hesitate, the Spencer you remember had a very low pain threshold. All of a sudden he's expecting you to stitch him up with no numbing agent?

"Y/N, I can handle it." Spencer says again, his voice firmer than before. You swallow a lump in your throat before reaching forward to begin stitching. You press the needle against his neck, eyeing him to gauge his reaction as you puncture his skin to make the first thread. To your surprise he hardly flinches, a small quirk in his lip is the only giveaway that he's in pain. Is this the same man that got squirmy getting a shot? That would shy away from the needle? Now he's sitting here letting you stitch him up without moving a muscle, without even flinching? The more time you spend with him the more proof you get that this isn't the same Spencer that left you all those years ago.

"How did it happen?" You ask, wondering how he could have survived a gunshot to the neck. He shifts uncomfortably.

"Got shot, two inches away from hitting my jugular." Spencer says it so casually, but you're so stunned that you halt your movements for a moment.

"How many times have you been shot?" You ask, your voice hoarse. Is him getting shot a common occurrence?

"Twice. Also got shot in the leg." The casual way Spencer talks about it almost convinces you it isn't a big deal. But it is. It's a bullet ripping through his body, and it's happened to him on two separate occasions. You finish stitching and bandaging him up, your hands moving away from him as soon as you can.

"Thank God you went to nursing school or I'd be six feet under." He jokes. You know he's kidding but still, the thought of it makes you feel lightheaded.

"Don't say stuff like that." You snap softly, and you know Spencer can see the fear and vulnerability in your eyes. You hesitantly steal a glance up at him once he's stood up only to find he's already looking at you. You shy away from his intrusive gaze, and you could practically feel him probing at your mind. Reading your thoughts as if they were written down for him. You hate that he can always tell what you're thinking, you hate that it was so easy for him to read you. Like a damn book. You have to fight the urge to reach out and grab his hand, it's what you always did when you felt lost or unsure. Spencer was always there to ground you and bring your mind back out of your thoughts.

"Miss Y/L/N?" You hear JJ's voice gently interrupt you two. You shoot away from Spencer as though you were doing something scandalous. He doesn't move an inch.

"Yes!" You blurt a little too loudly, suddenly flustered being so close to him. Why does your sharp tongue always leave you when you need it?

"You're clear to go home."

"I can take her." Spencer speaks up before JJ has a chance to offer, and she knew he would. You swallow a nervous lump in your throat, your palms shaking.

//

The SUV has dark tint, you weren't expecting that. The second you sat back in the plush leather seat your mind flew to lewd thoughts of you leaning over the center console, Spencer's hand in your hair as he helps you take his cock in your mouth. You steal one glance at Spencer, his right hand holding the steering wheel loosely. Your cheeks heat up as you glance down between his legs, get ahold of yourself.

"The address is-"

"I remember." You knew he would. That damn eidetic memory ensured that he never forgot anything. It broke your heart a little, because some naïve part of you was hoping he remembered because it meant something to him. You hoped he remembered the way to your house because he didn't want to forget, because forgetting it meant forgetting you. But you know the reality, you know that he remembers because he has no choice but to remember. His memory is too good to allow him to forget anything, even if it was something he wanted to forget. You're grasping at straws and you know you are, holding onto that foolish notion that Spencer still held onto the memories. That he still held onto the gifts you gave him, crying softly in the night like you did sometimes.

"JJ told me about Maeve." You say softly into the silence, and you saw Spencer swallow thickly out of the corner of your eye. "I'm so sorry you lost her Spence."

"Thank you." He honestly wasn't expecting you to say that, to acknowledge the pain. Because acknowledging the pain meant that you knew he loved her. He did love her. But it was a different love then the love he feels for you. It was special, but so are you. You're special too.

"Have you...dated anyone else?" Spencer can't help but ask as he subconsciously continues the drive to your house. A drive he's committed to his memory, a drive he never wants to forget. You shift to look at him, there were a few you dated. You know when you tell Spencer about them that it'll drive him crazy.

"Tony Anderson." You say and just like you thought, Spencer groans deeply. Spencer detests Tony, they were practically mortal enemies when he still lived in Las Vegas.

"Tony? Seriously?" His tone is incredulous as his grasp on the steering wheel tightens ever so slightly.

"He was a good fuck at least." You know you shouldn't wind him up, but he hurt you for Christ's sakes. He deserves a little bit of pain too. Spencer flinches, a look of anger and something else simmering in his eyes.

"Please tell me you didn't have sex with Tony."

"Why does it matter?" You shouldn't enjoy upsetting people as much as you do. But there's still a small part of you that's convinced that Spencer deserves this.

"Because I can't live with the fact that somebody else has gotten to feel that perfect cunt of yours, let alone Tony." His crude words take you by surprise, and you can't fight the gasp that escapes your mouth.

"Well before you start digging your grave, relax. I never had sex with Tony." You decide to put him out of his misery, and you see the relief physically flood his body. You lean against the window, the next admission from you will leave the air heavier in it's wake.

"I've never slept with anyone but you Spence." You realize it's been a long time since you've seen Spencer let alone had sex with him but you could never bring yourself to sleep with someone else. It's not as though the opportunity never presented itself, you had plenty of chances to have sex with someone else. But you couldn't because there's still a stubborn part of you that doesn't want to betray Spencer.

"Really? Why?" Apparently this revelation surprised him.

"Because no matter where you go I will always belong to you." You snap without thinking, blinking tears from your eyes as you avoid his gaze. Spencer fell silent then, and you know he feels guilty. Probably because he's slept with someone else in the time since he's been with you.

"I know you have and it's fine I'm not trying to-"

"I haven't." Spencer corrects instantly, his eyes meeting yours through the darkness of the SUV. If he could see you he would see the look of utter surprise on your face. It's not as though Spencer was an overly sexually ambitious person when you dated, but you figured he probably slept with at least one person. "I haven't slept with anybody else either."

"I know someone that wants to though." You grumble without thinking, your mind drifting to JJ and the obvious crush she thinks isn't obvious. Spencer tilts his head in a way that resembles a confused puppy, you resist the urge to ruffle his hair.

"Who?"

"Agent Jareau." As soon as the name slips past the threshold of your lips, Spencer's jerks the wheel in surprise. You see a dark blush color his cheeks as his other hand reaches up to steady the wheel.

"J-Jennifer? No way! She's my best friend." You nearly laugh at his flustered state, and normally you would push it a little further but you decide to let it go. You don't want to completely destroy the way he sees her, you know you already destroyed the way she sees him.

"You have no idea what a catch you are Spencer." You tell him as you unbuckle your seatbelt, getting ready to exit the SUV. Spencer reaches over and places a warm hand on your wrist to stop you from leaving, his eyes searching yours for an answer he isn't sure you have.

"Come in?" You ask hopefully, you're not ready for him to leave again. Damnit why did he have to turn up again after so long? You were just starting to think that maybe you could move on and find someone new. You were finally starting to feel okay, and then Spencer reappears and turns your entire world upsidown all over again. Deep down you know that nobody will ever compare to Spencer Reid, and you don't want them to. You don't want anyone to be like Spencer, you want him to be his entirely own person. It's what you love the most about him, is his ability to be himself no matter where he is or who he's with. All of his little quirks, the things about himself that he doesn't notice but you do.

"Yeah." His answer comes across as an exhalation of breath, and you try to hide how excited you are. You want to hold on to any moment you can, stolen moments that you take as you please with no regret whatsoever.

"Nothing has changed." Spencer muses once you unlock the front door and push inside the darkened living room. You blush, admittedly nothing about your small townhouse has changed. It's all basically the exact same as when Spencer saw it last. You rub a hand down your arm as Spencer's eyes go wandering. Trailing over the curtains he remembers hastily pulling closed to protect your decency on more than a few occasions. His gaze then travels to the couch, all those movie nights you two spent curled up together. Or when he got you into Star Trek and you couldn't stop watching it. Pain stabs his chest for a moment, it's hard to remember everything he had to let go of to get the job he has now.

"I miss you too, you know." Spencer says off-handedly. It takes you by surprise, the sureness in his tone is jarring. He sounds so comfortable admitting when he's vulnerable, it's never been easy for you to be vulnerable with him. Maybe that's part of the reason he left, maybe you drove him away by shutting him out. His eyes meet yours, a look so soft in his eyes it feels as though his gaze is caressing your skin. You bite your bottom lip to keep the emotions at bay, what is it about this man that makes you so emotional?

"I never said I missed you." You try to snap, to add an edge to your tone. But instead it came out watery and broken, and in turn Spencer reached up to swipe away a falling tear.

"But you do." You can't even deny it, it's obvious.

"Damn you Spencer Reid, I was finally starting to feel okay again." You cry softly, curling your arms towards your chest in an attempt to shrink away from him. He cups your cheeks in his palms, turning your face up towards him.

"I wasn't." He admits before his lips are on yours, and it's not frenzied and desperate like you've been picturing all these years. It's slow and calculated, soft and passionate. Firm but with a tenderness that makes your knees buckle from the gravity of it. Spencer's fingers card into your hair, pulling your head closer to his. He nips at your lower lip, his arms crushing you against his chest. You throw yourself into him, your arms holding him as tightly as you possibly can. Afraid that if your vise grip loosens, even for a second, that he'll slip through your fingers like trying to hold onto water. You almost don't want to let your eyes close, you don't want him to disappear again.

"I missed you, I miss you-" You gasp against his lips, grabbing fistfuls of his dress shirt. Spencer continues to move his lips languidly against yours, backing you against the wall. His hand ghosts down your side to the hem of your shirt, his fingers toying with it.

"O-Off." You beg, and in an instant Spencer is pulling your shirt over your head. His eyes land on your bare chest, shocked that he almost forgot that you never really wear a bra. His hands curl around your back, drawing your chest up into his awaiting lips. His mouth curls around your hardened nipple, your hand flying into his hair from the contact.

"Is this a dream? Please tell me you're really here Spencer." You beg, almost becoming lost in the emotions again. His eyes flutter up to meet yours, his mouth reluctantly leaving your nipple. He brushes his lips over yours, his hand trailing down your stomach towards the waistband of your leggings.

"This is real, I'm here baby. I'm home." Hearing those words was too much, and you launch yourself into his chest as the first tear trickles down your cheek. Your lips press sloppily to his, the kiss messy and wet as his hand slides into your leggings. His fingers find your wet slit in an instant, desperately parting your lips to slide a lithe finger into you. Your body reacts to him instantly, in a way that surprises you. Almost as though it too was crying out for him, keening into him and begging for his touch as much as your mind is. Spencer hauls one of your thighs up to hook around his waist as he presses another finger into you. You cry out softly into the quiet air, accompanied only by the labored breathing fanning across your face.

"I need to feel you, I- I need-" You can barely get the words out as he steadily pumps his fingers into you. His mouth on yours silences your desperate pleading, his chest firmly pressing your back into the wall. You missed being able to feel him and you hate that you forgot what it feels like to have his body on yours. It's been so long you forgot what the sting of his cock feels like. What it feels like when you stretch wide open around him, to feel like you're being ripped in two. Spencer continues his pace, his thumb rolling your clit to provide the extra stimulation you're missing. It's not enough to satisfy you, but its enough for you two cum. Which you do. You gush around his fingers as you gently come undone, your back arching into him.

"Please," You beg wantonly, curling your other leg around his waist as his hands hook underneath your thighs. Spencer's lips press against yours, moving slowly against your own. You know now that you will never stop loving Spencer, and that he's completely ruined you for life. You'll never be able to love anybody else without your heart wandering back to him. But then again, you don't really mind because you don't want to be with anybody else. You don't want to love anybody else. You just want him, only him. He pushes into your room, walking the entirety of the way with his eyes closed and his mouth pressed against yours. He has the layout of your house mapped out in his head? He never even bumped into anything until he was dropping you unceremoniously on the bed.

"Tell me what you need, I'll give you whatever you want." Spencer husks against you, hovering above you. Your fingers are already unbuttoning his shirt before you even have the chance to respond to him. You know instantly what you want, what you need from him.

"I want all of you, give me everything." You plead, your lips practically chasing his as he kneels up over you. He's being soft tonight, and that's something you appreciate greatly. You need to feel his love, you need to feel everything you know he can't quite put into words. His hands are shaking as he undoes the button and zipper of his dress slacks before kicking them off the edge of the bed. You stare up at his naked body, looking as though it's been sculpted by the Gods specifically for you. Spencer smiles softly at you as he pulls your leggings down your legs, leaving little nips and kisses on your inner thighs as he goes.

"Hurry." You groan, nearly clawing at his bare shoulders to pull him back up to you. Spencer chuckles at how eager you are, watching with interested eyes as the head of his cock breaches your folds. You reluctantly stretch open as he continues his intrusion, his fists curling tightly around the sheets. Christ you weren't lying about not sleeping with anyone else, you're so tight it's making him feel a little lightheaded. Inch by inch Spencer presses into you, his forehead resting against yours once his pelvis is sitting flush against yours. Sure, you've had sex with hi before but never have you felt this connected to him. Spencer sits like a gentleman and lets you adjust to his size, trying to take a few deep breaths himself. It's hard to breathe with your heat sucking him in with a vice grip.

"Can I move?" You're surprised by how collected his voice is, but the furrow of his brow is a giveaway that he's losing the battle to stay stock still inside you.

"Yes, please." You moan, unashamed. Spencer gently draws his hips back, pulling himself nearly all the way out before swiftly sliding back into your inviting cunt. He sets the pace slow and deep, his hands reaching up to lace through yours. Every time the head of his cock nudges that spot deep inside you, you can feel your toes curl. Your head slams back against the pillows, unable to keep your gaze on him any longer. You feel yourself becoming one with him, and you wish you could capture this moment somewhere other then just in your minds eye. Your memory is nowhere near as good as Spencer's, he'll be able to recall every detail of this moment up until the day he dies. But over time, this memory will fade for you. It'll wear out, all the details becoming fuzzy and blurred. If he's not here in front of you, you'll forget and you don't want to forget.

When the night draws to a close, and the moon has reached its peak, Spencer slips carefully out of bed. It chisels away pieces of his heart as he carefully gets dressed, reaching for his go bag which he'd brought inside upon realizing that he'd be staying a while. He pulls out a t-shirt he'd worn recently and leaves it folded neatly at the end of your bed, something for you to hold onto when he's gone. Spencer's cheeks are wet with tears as he leans over and presses a kiss to your head.

"I love you." Is the last thing he whispers in the space between you two before he's gone again.

//

On the jet, Derek can't keep his eyes off Spencer and that helplessly broken look on his face. A book is laid nestled in Spencer's lap, but Derek can tell he isn't really reading it. Trying to bother Spencer into opening up probably won't work, but it's worth a try. Derek has to do something and this is all he can think of.

"You okay kid?"

"Yeah fine, why?" Spencer draws his eyes up from the book, his gaze meeting Derek's from across the table. While Spencer might be a talented actor, he can't lie to Derek.

"Look I know how hard it must have been leaving her again-"

"Did you know that on average the FDA allows a minimum of 1 rodent hair per 100 grams of peanut butter? They have to allow themselves room for error just in case of-"

"Alright you win, forget it." Derek sighs, turning his gaze out the window. In an instant Spencer drops his peanut butter spiel, turning back to his book. A guaranteed way to get people off his back is to start rambling about something boring or gross, they usually leave him alone pretty quickly. It's not that Spencer doesn't appreciate Derek's concern, he just doesn't want to talk about it. He can't talk about it, because every time he imagines how you're going to feel when you wake up, tears come to the surface of his eyes. He hates this case more than all the rest even though they saved the victim. Spencer hates this case for ripping open an old wound, one he thought healed.

He was wrong.

//

When you wake the next morning you knew he'd be gone. That didn't stop the tears from coming when you reached over and felt cold sheets. That didn't stop the tears from coming when you cried how much you loved him over and over again even though he couldn't hear you. It doesn't change how badly this hurts, how much worse it feels compared to the first time he left. Your eyes catch the shirt folded at the end of the bed and you grab it instantly. You pull it over your body and you lay down in your bed, inhaling his cologne that you know will fade over time. Eventually his scent will disappear, removing all traces that this fabric belonged to him at all. Every trace of him will disappear over time, every mark from your body will slowly vanish. When it's all gone, you'll be left with nothing more than a t-shirt that's too big for you, and a cold reminder that the man you love will never truly be yours. A reminder that every time he comes home, he leaves again.

A cold reminder that this world is cruel for bringing you Spencer Reid, only to rip him from you again and again.

[triplexdoublex]

Pornstar

Pairings: Colson x Reader

Warnings/Tags: rough sex, anal sex, face fucking, gagging, spit, spitting in mouth, slight bondange, golden showers, pissing in mouth, slapping across face, being filmed.

A/N: Shout out to Shawnie ( @heytheregreeneyes) for always letting me use her as my OC and being my best friend. Also Colson isn’t MGK in this, just a pornstar so his personality isn’t as cocky as he usually is. I know I’ve mentioned it before but the sex in this is loosely based off my fave porn star Small Hands AKA Aaron Thompson. Hope this was worth the wait. Lemme know what you think! “Open it, open it!” Your roommate and best friend Shawnie stood before you with a gift bag in hand, shaking it excitedly.

“My birthday’s not even until this weekend,” You laughed taking the bag from her. “You sure you don’t want me to wait? It’s only a few more days.”

“ No please, I’ve kept this a secret for long enough, it’s killing me! Just open it!” She exclaimed. “Plus your gonna need time to prepare.”

“Prepare?” 

“C’mom, just open it, open it, open it!!!” She was far too excited. You wondered what it could be that she was so eager to give you. But what you pulled out of the bag just left you with even more questions. 

“Thanks???” You said confused, holding up a sexy red lace bra and matching g- string that tied at hips. 

“That’s only part of it,” she assured you. “What’s your biggest wish?” She tried to clue you in.

“Ummm paying off all my student debt?” You answered still puzzled. “Did you get me a job as a stripper?” You laughed.

“Okay, maybe ‘wish’ was the wrong word to use … hmmm—oh biggest fantasy!” She corrected herself. 

“Oh to fuck my favorite porn star Huge Hands, AKA Colson Baker. You know that — wait … no, no way!”  You exclaimed as your friend started frantically nodding her head yes. “Shut up!!! What? You’re kidding. Like how?”

“Look in the bag . There’s more!” 

You reached into the bag and pulled out a pass of some kind and read it aloud. “Huge Hands/Colson Baker : Exclusive Access, Porn Star for a Day pass” 

“They were super limited, I have no clue how I managed to snag one, but I’m so happy I did! The look on your face right now is priceless!” Shawnie laughed. “It’s probably because you’re the only one I know who’s  crazy enough to actually go through with this.”

“I-I don’t even know what to say. I have no words… thank you.” You expressed your gratitude, still in shock. “I’m really about to have the best sex of my life this weekend! On my birthday yet! Have you seen his fucking cock, it’s huuuge!”

“Yes, many times,” Shawnie chuckled , entertained by how pumped you are. “Or did you forget about all the links of his umm ‘work’ you’ve sent me?” Shawnie wasn’t big on porn herself but she was always willing to take an interest in your latest obsessions, no matter what they were. That’s what you loved most about her. “Turn it over, it tells you more about what’s included on the back.”

You did as she suggested, turning the pass over to read more. “Half hour zoom call day before to privately discuss details, and needs/wants of scene; hair and make up; up to one hour of shooting time; and keepsake autographed DVD recording,” you listed off. “You know I’m gonna watch that everyday for the rest of my life, right?” 

“I’m assuming you’re gonna make me watch it at least once too, knowing you,” Shawnie laughed. 

“Yeah probably,” you laughed as well. “ I got no shame!”

*************

You’re stomach was in knots as you waited for the zoom call to begin; you’d never felt so excited and  nervous at the same time. Shawnie was there with you sitting just out of frame, when the ‘bloop’ of the call came through your computer's speakers. 

“Hi, Y/N?” Colson questioned.

“Yeah, hi. That’s me!” You did a timid little wave.

“Ok good, just wanted to make sure I got the right person before we get started here. Imagine that … Awkward!,” he laughed, and you instantly began to relax; you could tell he was going to be easy to talk to. “Well, obviously you know what I do , but I’d love to hear a little about you. Says here on your forms you’re a college student?”

“Wait, what forms?” You asked.

“The ones you filled out online with your info and kinks and things you wanted to include in our video when you purchased the Pornstar for a day package,” he answers slightly confused. 

“Ohhh, my friend bought me this for my birthday, she must have filled them out.” You responded. “She’s right here. Say hi Shawnie!”

“Hi!” She giggled leaning into frame. 

“Hello. Wow this must be some “friendship” he joked making air quotes. “Because this is a very detailed list. You gotta hear this.” He smirks. “Written in the section about what you hope to include in our scene says— and  I quote: I want Huge Hands/ Colson to absolutely destroy me. I want him to fuck my throat, my pussy and my ass. I want him to slap me around, and spit and piss in my mouth, and anything else he wants to do to me, I’m all for it.”  He choked out a laugh pulling dramatically at the collar of his shirt “Whew, I’m the pornstar here and that’s even got me blushing!”

“Oh my God, Shawnie!” You covered your beet red face.

“What!?, did I lie?” She laughed.

“I mean no, but still. Damn, to hear it out loud like that.” Your eyes bulged. 

“So it’s true then?” Colson asked slyly.

“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up,” you hid your smile behind your hand, shaking your head in embarrassed disbelief.

“Aye,  no need to be embarrassed, we’re gonna have fun tomorrow, I can tell,” he smiled. “I’m especially excited that your interested in Anal. It’s kinda my favorite. I’m assuming you’ve done it before?” 

“Yeah,” you answered simply.

“Do you enjoy it?” He asked.

“Tell him what your ex said!”  Shawnie blurted out. 

“Oh, boy. I gotta hear this,” he chuckled. “What’d the ex say?”

You inhaled deeply before speaking, “I do enjoy it, probably more than regular sex, if I’m being honest,” you admitted. There was no use trying to be coy now. “Uhhh he actually said I could be a pornstar since I can take a hard anal pounding so well.” 

“Nice!” He exclaimed. “Girl, after my own heart.”

“Jesus Christ, this conversation has me sweating already,” you chuckled standing up to pull your cardigan off. 

“Is that a little tattoo I saw there, peaking out of the top of your jeans?” He asked. 

“Yeah, you wanna see?” You unzipped your jeans without waiting for a response and lowered the top of your underwear just enough to show him. 

“ The Playboy bunny, huh? How fitting,” he teased.

“What can I say, it was my first tattoo,” you giggled “Seemed like that’s what everyone was getting at the time.”

“What else you got going on down there?” He lifted his head as if trying to see more. “Is that a landing strip?” He asked referring to the thin dark stripe of short curls just  barely visible above the band of your lowered underwear. “Can I see?” 

“Yeah, sure,” you lowered them further exposing yourself, your inhibition long gone at that point. “This is just how I normally like to groom. I can shave it completely if you prefer?” 

“Nah, it’s perfect,” he smiled. “Well, I think I have a pretty good idea now of what you like and what we’ll be getting ourselves into tomorrow. Do you have any questions or anything else you want me to know, before we end the call?” 

“I don’t think so,” you said. “Shawnie pretty much laid it all out on those forms,” you laughed. 

“That she did!” He produced a chuckle as well. “I meant to ask earlier, but, since she knows so much about your kinks and what not, have you two ever —“

“ No, just best friends, I tend to overshare, I guess.” 

“Yeah it amazes me sometimes, the things women  share with their friends, but yet guys are always the ones who are known to kiss and tell and brag about their conquests. Females can be just as bad, y’all just keep it on the low a little better,” he stated. “Well, I look forward to working with you tomorrow. Take care, and I’ll see you soon.”

“Can’t wait!” You responded. “Bye.”

“Bye,”

You felt oddly comforted and at ease after the call, no longer a ball of nerves or embarrassment. He made you feel like there was no shame in enjoying the things you did. He was very professional despite the nature of the call; it didn’t feel sleezy or overly salacious; just two consenting adults having a mature conversation about their sexual desires. 

*************************

When you walked out of hair and make-up and onto set, you saw Colson waiting for you on a red leather couch. He was clad in only black dress pants; shirtless — his tattoos on full display. He smiled seductively when he saw you, beckoning you over with a pat to his thighs. You undid your silk robe they had given you and let it slip from your shoulders to the floor, revealing the red lacy set Shawnie had bought you, as you made your way over to him. You suddenly became very aware of all the cameras and other people in the room, as you sat on his lap. Somehow it has slipped your mind that they were all a part of what went into this.

“You get used to it,” he said softly , remembering the way he felt his first time in front of the cameras. “Just pretend they’re not even there— only me and you, okay?” He said brushing a finger along your thigh. “Unless, Shawnie forgot to mention you’re an exhibitionist too, then by all means enjoy them watching us fuck,” he joked, making you laugh. “Don’t forget, if you need me to stop at anytime for any reason, just give me three quick taps,” he demonstrated, tapping your thigh. “Don’t worry about the filming, they can always edit and piece things back together if needed. This is all for you and I want you to enjoy yourself. Oh and happy birthday by the way! It’s today right?”

“Yeah,” you smiled. “Thank you.”

“Ok, so we’ll just start the scene with some kissing and light touches, and when I feel you’re ready I’ll signal the camera man, he’ll call action, and then we'll be recording.”

“Sounds good,” you nodded your head. He had made you feel so comfortable and relaxed the last bit of nervousness you chalked up to just being slightly star struck; You never thought in a million years you’d get this opportunity.

“Ready?,” he pressed his forehead to yours, staring directly into your eyes, the corners of his mouth turned up into the most alluring devilish grin. 

“Ready,” you echoed back, biting your lip trying to suppress a needy whine. God you were always such a sucker for his killer eye contact in his films, and now you were the one his eyes were soul fucking. You’re heart pounded with excited anticipation as Colson’s face drew nearer to your own. He lightly held your chin as he pressed his lips to yours, parting them to introduce his tongue. It was a welcome greeting, cut short by the breathy “oh fuck ” that involuntarily slipped from your lips.

“”You good?” He laughed softly, a small puff of air the only thing separating your mouths; your foreheads still touching. 

“More...than good,” you spoke in a short choppy sentence trying to compose yourself. 

“That’s what I like to hear,” he smirked against your lips, continuing to kiss you. 

You melted into his kisses— slow and gentle at first,  increasing in intensity as he carried on. When he nipped at your bottom lip with a low groan, you lost all innocence, shifting positions to straddle his lap. You gripped the back of his head, as he kissed you and rolled your hips against him, demanding more. And that’s when he knew … that you were ready.  He quickly signaled to the cameraman with a thumbs up, and “Action” was called. 

His hand slipped down from your chin, settling on the highest part of your neck just under your jaw, his fingers squeezing at your pulse points on either side. Roughly he turned your head to the side with a push of his thumb and his mouth began mauling your neck with an appetite for lust, leaving blooming raspberry patches along the descending path of flesh that lead to your breasts. With one hand he expertly undid the front clasp of your red lace bra and took in the sight of you.

 “Perfect,” he whispered into your flesh with a growl, taking one breast  in each hand as he licked between them, keeping his eyes locked on yours. You slid the silky straps of your lingerie over your shoulders, letting it fall, as he took turns going back and forth between each breast treating each of your nipples to light suction and a pleasurable nibble. You let out a moan at his actions and again rolled your hips in his lap, pressing yourself against the hardening bulge inside his dress pants. “Needy are we?” He teased swiftly  spinning you around so your back was to his chest. He dug his chin into your shoulder peering over it as he snatched up the crotch of your panties roughly, tugging the material up between your lips . You canted your hips up chasing after the friction of the coarse fabric against your clit. “You like that, huh?” He pulled them harsher. 

“Mmmm, yes” you squeaked out, nodding your head.

“Yeah, I bet you do,” he growled nipping at your neck. “Look at this pretty pussy,” he shoved the material to the side exposing you, letting his fingers explore your folds as he pleased. “You want my cock right in here huh?” His voice was so gravelly and low as he slipped a finger inside you, only to quickly pull it back out, teasing you. “Taste yourself,” he brought the finger to your mouth. You wrapped your lips around it, as he slid it further into your mouth, his long fingers slipping down the back of your throat. “Oh, god, yes!” He exclaimed impressed by how you didn’t even gag. “Tell ya what—“ he paused to add a second finger to your mouth, continuing to talk as you sucked “If you can suck my dick as good as that—“   he then pulled them back out of your mouth. “I might just have to fuck you right in here too,” he shoved his spit slicked fingers into your ass.

“Yes, fuck, please!” You whined, wiggling your hips, wanting his fingers deeper.  

“You like that? Huh. You dirty little anal whore!” He grabbed your neck with his free hand, keeping you pinned back against him, the fingers of his other hand still moving inside you.

“Yes, yes! I am,” you strained to speak. “Please, please fuck my ass!” You whined impatiently with pleasure. You never heard yourself sound so needy and desperate in your life.

“You sound you pretty when you beg, but you're gonna have to earn it first,” he demanded pulling out his fingers,  leaving you feeling empty. Quickly, you dropped to your knees in front of the couch as Colson got up standing before you. You waited impatiently while Colson unbuckled his belt above you. Once undone he yanked the belt free from the loops with a satisfying ‘whoosh’ that made you pulse between your thighs. You desperately clawed his pants and boxers  down his legs like a feral cat in heat as Colson brought the tip to your mouth, still holding onto his belt in the other. “Open!,” he demanded. “Goooood,” he growled in praise as you did what you were told. You reached up to grab it but ,“no hands!” he smacked them away, and then secured them behind your back with his belt. “Let’s try this again, open!” He spoke harshly. You obliged, opening wide. “Tongue” he barked.  You let it hang from your mouth with anticipation; eager breaths rolling down it like a panting dog eyeing a steak. He teased you, slapping his cock against your tongue before shoving it fully into your mouth. Your eyes prickled with tears as you fought your gag reflex, taking him down your throat. He held your head in place with one hand , the tip of your nose pressed flush against the coarse hair of his pelvis, as he hunched his body forward over yours untying the sides of your G-string. It slipped from your body leaving you completely nude. Colson smacked your ass, then gripped it harshly, making it jiggle for him before finally standing straight up and pulling his hips back to let you come up for air. 

“Huuuuuuhhhh,” you inhaled sharply gasping for breath, letting oxygen penetrate deep into your lungs before Colson stuffed your mouth again. Mascara ran down your hollowed out cheeks as you sucked. You started pulling back out of instinct when you began to gag but Colson held you in place. 

“No, keep it in your mouth,” he instructed condescendingly, looking down at you. “Just a little longer” he promised. You tried your best, Colson letting out a throaty moan every time your raw, used throat constricted around him as he fucked into it. “Mmmgghh,” he groaned, pulling out of your mouth “Goooood girl,” he praised with a smirk, before bending down to give you a sloppy kiss, swapping mouthfuls of saliva. Just as he pulled away he let a long string of collected spit slip from his pursed lips and into your open mouth, where you eagerly accepted it, moaning as you swallowed it down. 

 You let out a breathy “awhhh” as you opened your mouth again, wiggling your tongue enticingly. 

“Such a dirty, fucking whore,” he bent down again and spat directly in your face. He smeared it all over your face with his hand before grabbing you by the neck, pulling you to your feet. “Turn around,” he ordered. You did as he said and Colson undid his belt from around your wrists. Before you even had a chance to soothe your sore wrists with a rub, Colson spun you around and pushed you down onto your back on the couch, your ass teetering on the edge of the red leather cushion. “Spread yourself for me,” he instructed, as he pumped himself. Again you did as you were told; you pulled your legs up, wrapping an arm around each thigh, holding them back as you parted your opening with your fingers.  “God, you’re so fucking wet.” He teased the head of his cock through the glistening mess on display for him. 

“Fuck me,” you said in an inpatient huff, staring into his eyes. 

“Awhhh, yessss,” he groaned out, slack jawed as he sank into you

“Ohhh, shit,” you screamed out , face twisted in pleasure, your eyes slipping shut, at the feeling of him burying himself deep in your cunt.

“Open your eyes. Look at me!” He spoke harshly, cupping your face in his hands as he thrust. You opened your eyes, trying to focus on his, but your vision was  spotted by the intensity of it all. “Feel good?” He pressed his forehead to yours just as he’d done earlier , starring directly into the windows to your soul as he fucked you. You nodded the best you could, but that wasn’t good enough for him. “Words, I want words. Say yes!”

“Yes.. yes,” you responded breathily, biting at your lip.

“Yeah, Mmmghhh, that’s it. Fuck, I like it when you use your words”  he moaned , shifting himself to be more upright. He then spit on the tips of his fingers and brought them to your clit and began rubbing it furiously, his cock still destroying you.

“OH Fuck!” You cried out, wiggling and bucking your hips. 

“You gonna fucking stay still? He roughly grabbed your face, squeezing your cheeks. You nodded your head, trying your best to calm your body’s erratic, pleasure driven movements as he thrust. “Words!” He spat, his hand letting go of your face only to connect it to your cheek again with a quick, yet harsh slap.

“Shit! ...Yes!” You corrected yourself once again, Your body was  loving how aggressive he was getting the longer he fucked you and he could tell;  spitting at and striking your face again.

“Turn over!”  He ordered, abruptly pulling out. “Hands on the back of the couch.” He roughly assisted you in turning around , and you placed your hands where instructed. You arched your back and pushed your ass out waiting for him to re enter you from the new position. “This is where you really want it, huh?” He teased his cock over your asshole. 

“Yes!,” you remembered to use your words this time.

“You’re a dirty little fucking anal whore, aren’t you? He asked, he question sounding a lot more like a statement. “Let me hear you said it.” He applied pressure to your hole with the tip, as he yanked back a fist full of your hair.

“I’m a dirty little fucking anal whore!,” you repeated desperately pushing back against him.

“Mmmghh!, That you are!” He confirmed with a groan, snapping hips hips forward, quickly entering you. 

“Uhhhhh, Oh my God!” You exclaimed at the feeling. You never fully understood why you enjoyed anal as much as you did, perhaps it was the pleasurable fullness, the taboo aspect, the fact that you were one of the few woman who were into it, or the way so many men were obsessed with it , and the look on their face when they found out you were more than willing to take it up the ass, but you absolutely loved it, and this time was no different. Every jack hammered thrust brought you closer and closer to the edge, especially when Colson reached around to between your legs adding the friction of his fingers to your clit. The sensation of your ass being stuffed combined with his  touch was the perfect recipe for orgasm and you felt it building every time his cock slid in and out. 

“Yeah, cum for me,” he could feel you tightening around him. His words perfectly in sync with the  jolt of pleasure boiling over in your abdomen and ripping through you with vast intensity. A series of explitives and sounds you’ve never heard yourself make, flew from you lips as your body went boneless under Colson. He quickly pulled out, turned you back over and came across your face with a few pumps of his hand. He collapsed to the side of you briefly, before tugging you off the couch and onto your knees. “I’m not done with you just yet,” he spoke out of breath taking his softening dick in his hand. Your eyes lit up, you knew what he was referring too— the only thing on your list of wants he hadn’t included yet. “Say ahhh!”

“Ahhh,” you echoed the request, letting his golden stream fill your mouth, splash off your tongue and dribble down your chin and body. You giggled, piss spilling from your smile as you looked up at him, all your fantasies now fulfilled. 

“Annnd cut!” Called the director. A few stage hands scrambled to bring you both a towel and small refreshments. “Almost done, just gonna get you guys a little cleaned up, rehydrated, let you catch your breath a bit, and then film the little quick, post scene interview. 

“Ok,” you both answered.

Colson tossed his towel over his shoulders and reached out his hand to you “You, good?” He asked with a faint laugh , watching your hand shake as you drank your water.

“Yeah,” you answered letting him pull you up onto the couch. 

“You were amazing,” he said, rubbing your back. He knew the come down from the adrenal rush of scenes could be taxing, especially from rough ones . “You —“

“Ready,” the director interrupted, cutting him short, and immediately pressing record. “So how was it?” the director focused the camera on you first. 

“Oh my god.. mind blowing,” you answered , still out of breath, adjusting your towel. 

“And you?” The director turned the camera to Colson.

“ Absolutely amazing. She was a natural. I’d love to work with her again.”

[soldrawss]

Alright, so it's pretty clear which Bab is who, But how oh how did he Obtain these four boys in your Human Rottmnt au?

~SO! Bear with me, there’s a LOT of info here and it kinda turned into a fic half way down so yeah~

In my au, Yoshi is still the famous movie and action star, Lou Jitsu! (In his private life, he goes by Yoshi Hamato, but in the public eye he is Lou Jitsu. Sorta like a Hannah Montana situation) Anyway, while he’s a big-time hotshot, he starts dating fellow hotshot movie star Kuroko Gumo (Big Mama)(I gave her a Japanese name basically meaning spider don’t @ me) They date for a long time and for a while are the celebrity couple of the century... that is, until Yoshi asks Big Mama to marry him. She turns him down in a very public and horrible way (Basically saying that what they had was just a fun fling and also for clout) and leaves Yoshi absolutely wrecked. He becomes incredibly depressed and spirals into unhealthy habits and kinda goes off the deep end. (Showing up to interviews and public events wasted. Sleeping around with lots of other famous celebrities and models. Causing a PUBLIC SCENE literally every time he goes out. It wasn’t a good time for Yoshi OR Lou at ALL. This went on for about 4-5 years on and off.)

Until his ‘manager’ finally hired him a PR agent to put him into shape. (Yoshi had PR agents in the past. But all of them quit after a while of not being able to DEAL with Yoshi’s tantrums) And boy, did this PR agent NOT fuck around. Barry Draxum, though he prefers just Draxum, single-handedly saved Yoshi’s carrier and Lou Jitsu’s image practically overnight. And even though his methods for getting Yoshi to shower before a photoshoot or ‘eat a fucking vegetable Hamato or so help me GOD I will shave your head completely bald and then you’ll have to wear a wig for the rest of filming, do not TEMPT me’ are a little unorthodox, he gets the job done. And even though the two butt heads and bicker on the daily, they end up being a pretty good team, and slowly but surely, Yoshi starts to heal and get better and get his life/career back on track.

That is, until the consequences of his actions came a-knocking. 

It was Draxum who found out first, through a late-night phone call in Yoshi’s living room while the two were discussing a film shoot for later on that week. 

Yoshi had really only seen two sides of Draxum’s emotional range up until that point, and Yoshi was pretty sure he didn’t have any other settings besides passively annoyed and downright fed up, but the look on Draxum’s face, going pale with confusion and concern had Yoshi waiting at the edge of the couch in acute apprehension. The blood in his veins turning to ice under his skin.

It was about a woman named Nia Okoro. A vibrant and outgoing woman, with freckles like constellations dusted on her dark skin and dimples so deep that Yoshi loved to make her laugh just so he could see how deep they’d go. He had had previous relations with her, often seeking her out when he was at his loneliest and lowest points only because she had a personality that was loud and warm, and that could win smiles out of him as easy as breathing. 

But he hadn’t seen her in almost a year. Right before Draxum came around and knocked some sense into him, Yoshi even said so when Draxum asked, worry a knotted, tangled mess in his stomach when he asks why. What’s wrong? Did something happen?

A car accident, Draxum explains slowly like he’s approaching a feral animal and he doesn’t know if it will fight or flee if he approaches with any more information. A semi collided with the driver's side of her car. She didn’t make it. Died on route to the hospital.

Yoshi, Draxum says in a low voice, not giving Yoshi a second to wrap his head around the grief pumping back into his system like an all too familiar and painful drug when he adds, she left behind two sons. And apparently, before she died, she claimed they were both yours.

Yoshi was on the next flight out to Chicago that night, Draxum trailing behind after him trying to get Yoshi to see reason, Hamato. We don’t really know if they’re yours, and even if they were, which is highly unlikely, what are you going to do? You can’t raise children right now, your career is still in a fragile state. YOU’RE still in a fragile state.

But Yoshi wasn’t listening as he takes his window seat, Draxum perfectly harrumphing defeatedly in the seat beside him, and Yoshi spends the next two and a half hours looking out into the cloudless night, not listening to anything but the sound of his own racing heart trying to burst out between his ribcage.

When they get to the hospital, it’s 2:30 in the morning and Draxum has to practically pull Yoshi from slamming his fists down on the reception desk. Draxum had told him it was a longshot that the children would even still be here at this hour, if they even existed at all and weren’t just some wild goose chase of a prank someone was pulling on them, but Yoshi still had to know. Had to make sure.

When Draxum finally manages to explain their situation to the woman at the front desk, it's with a sad but knowing smile when she nods, knowing exactly the children they were looking for, and leads them through the hospital for what feels like endless years to Yoshi till they reach a closed examination room.

Yoshi is greeted by two pairs of almond-shaped brown eyes, one pair wide and bright and the other sleepy and heavy-lidded, and it takes all his strength not to crumble to the hospital floor right then and there.

A little boy was sitting on a large hospital bed, covered in scratches and bruises and head half wrapped in colorful red gauze with yellow stars on it, looks up at Yoshi with watery alert eyes. He clutches at the drowsy infant half asleep in the circle of his arms almost protectively, and it takes another bow of strength from Yoshi to remain calm when the boy bites out a quiet, you can’t take him either. 

Take who away, Yoshi asks back in a voice almost as quiet at the boy’s, and the little boy tightens his hold around the baby. Eyes bright like daggers and mouth thin with a determination that could move mountains, like he wasn’t a child and the ugly road rash and bruising skin under her clothes didn’t exist, when he glares at Yoshi.

Mikey! They took mama away, but you can’t take Mikey too! He’s my baby brother. Mama said I have to protect him, so you can’t take him! You can’t! Please!

It took several weeks and an ocean load of paperwork on Yoshi’s and Draxum’s part, but sure enough, Raphael and Michelangelo Okoro were indeed Yoshi’s sons, and having no other relatives they could go to, were finally allowed to be adopted and come home with the movie star.

Yoshi was whole worlds out of depths with parenthood, having absolutely no experience with children in general prior to his son’s moving in with him, and it showed with every backward diaper and screaming tantrum fit and sleepless night. And Yoshi asked himself about a million and a half times a day if he had gotten over his head. Taken on too much, more than he could handle. If he was cut out to be a dad, let alone a dad they needed, at all.

But Mikey had a giggle that filled up every corner of the room with something warm and delighted, and Raph’s tough and hesitant exterior against Yoshi at first melted into something akin to fierce and toothed love for his baby brother. So he was patient with Yoshi, and taught him all the best tricks to get Mikey to hold still long enough to change his clothes or wash behind his ears with a smile and fondness that downright glowed. And when he finally called out a hey pops to Yoshi, wearing a broad and comfortable confidence and joy like a badge on his chest, Yoshi finally gave in to his emotions and sleep deprivation and cried right there with both of his boys in his arms. 

And he really was awful at being a dad, but dangit if he wasn’t going to try his best anyway because it was so worth it just to have those two pairs of smiling eyes turn his way.

But the experience with Raph and Mikey opened up a pandora's box inside Yoshi’s heart.

Because Raph was four years old. That was four years of Yoshi not knowing he had a son, let alone two... Was it possible that there was more he didn’t know about?

And with the, albeit begrudging, help from Draxum, (Draxum, who had collected the embarrassingly long list of lovers and ex’s from Yoshi and began reaching out to them in inquiry about children and possible visitation rights and the such. Because Yoshi was sure that if he had more children, their situations wouldn’t be like Raph’s and Mikey’s where Yoshi could just take full custody of them. Especially when none of the mothers had ever reached out in the first place) he found that answer out.

It was yes, and the exact number was two more.

Two more sons. One in Seattle and one in San Antonio.

Donatello Martelli was relatively easy to find. His mother, Bria, as beautiful as she was vain and obsessed with her image, didn’t hesitate to point Draxum and Yoshi in the direction of the nearest foster home. Because Bria was not the motherly type, and she never had the patience or tolerance or room in her heart to fit parenthood into her world of glamour and glitz the way Yoshi did. So with what little kindness she had to her name, she put up her son for adoption and wiped her hands clean of what was left of Yoshi’s and her’s short-lived romance.

Donatello, as Yoshi had come to discover, was a handful of a child, but in all the ways that made Yoshi’s heart burst with affection and pride.

He was smarter and craftier than anyone would ever give a 3-year-old credit for, and his short temper and passive boredom towards the world around him was only because he lacked the stimulus and opportunity to shine as brightly as he could. He was in his 8th foster home in that year alone when Draxum had located him; being swapped around from home to home because no one knew how to handle the child's sharp wit and even sharper tongue, and the list of appliances and machines he had ‘destroyed’ had labeled him as a trouble maker and problem child.  

It was only until Yoshi had made the journey to Seattle himself and met the keen-eyed and brazen child that Yoshi discovered just how soft-hearted Donatello truly was. 

He was just curious. That’s all he ever was. Curious and hungry for knowledge and wanting to use that knowledge for good and kind and wonderfully brilliant things.

I wanted to know how the toaster works, Donatello’s admits quietly, more to himself than to Yoshi but Yoshi listens anyway. Mrs. Brown’s burns the toast and Mr. Brown doesn’t like it. I just wanted to see if I could make it better.

Donnie’s adoption was almost too easy, no one willing to put up any fight against Yoshi steadfast resolution, and the bespectacled brown-eyed child thrived in Yoshi’s endless supply of toasters he could take apart and reassemble too his heart's content, and Raph’s and Mikey’s constant adoration and fondness for their newest brother.

It took almost 2 months after Donnie’s adoption for Draxum to even learn about a fourth child, let alone find him.

Maria Guerrero was the only woman they couldn’t reach out to, seemingly dropping off the face of the earth like she had never existed in it to begin with and was just a well-spun fever dream of Yoshi’s past. Draxum had almost exhausted every string he had left to even prove the woman existed, let alone where she was, and it was only because of Yoshi’s begging and pleading and she’s out there somewhere, Barry. Please. I don’t want to give up without knowing for sure, that Draxum kept up the search longer than the 2-month mark. 

And then he had found something. A tiny, sliver of a half baked chance at something and Yoshi clung to it like a lifeline.

I don’t know if it’s anything at all. Maria isn’t even mentioned by name it’s just... with the description you gave and the time frame set... a couple of years ago, there was this child with the last name Guerrero in San Antonio who was left at the hospital just a few hours after he was born. The mother disappeared without a trace and with no explanation, but she matches the description of Maria-

What’s the child’s name, Yoshi finds himself interrupting, a tugging feeling at the bottom of his stomach making him feel equal parts sick and hungry with hope and morbid curiosity.

Leonardo. Leonardo Guerrero. He’d be about 3 now.

Yoshi knew. He just knew. As soon as he stepped out of his car and onto the dusty laneway of the shabby and overpacked halfway home in Texas and walked up to the metal chain-linked fence separating himself from the front yard of children of varying ages and races, he knew. He didn’t even need the owner and self-designated father of the home to point the child out to Yoshi.

Leonardo was a scrawny and scrappy child. The patched-up sweater 3 times his size dropping over limbs covered in bandaids and vitiligo patches alike. His hair was a curly mess, long and tangled and held out of his face by different types of hair clips and scrunchies. He was playing by himself off in the farthest corner of the yard, head down and tracing the ground with a stick, and it wasn’t until the other man called out a thickly accented, GUERRERO, that the boy looked up.

Brown eyes. Brown eyes like Raph’s and Donnie’s and Mikey’s. Brown eyes like Yoshi’s. Round and rich and shining like a spotlight and something clicked inside of Yoshi’s chest. Like the final piece of a long-overdue jigsaw puzzle was finally where it belonged, fitting into the empty spot in Yoshi’s heart like it had always owned a place there, right alongside all the other pieces that had claimed their space within the past few months. 

Yoshi didn’t think his heart could get any fuller. 

But then Leo smiled at him, and Yoshi couldn’t have been more happy to be proven wrong. 

[chidoroki]

Emma - 63194

So, it’s August 22nd, otherwise known as the best day of the month because we get to celebrate Emma's birthday! I feel like she doesn't get enough credit, especially as a shōnen protagonist, probably because she's just a normal kid compared to others with overwhelming powers/magic/quirks/etc, but I think that just makes her feats all the more interesting and amazing. So, here I am, ready to praise the hell out of everything she's done, what she's capable of, and who she is on her special day.

(spoilers for the entirety of The Promised Neverland, so if you haven't read/completed the manga yet, consider this your first warning, because I'm literally going from start to finish with this.)

This is gonna be one hell of a long post, so here we go.

- She's one of the smartest kids at Grace Field, alongside Norman and Ray, who all get full scores on the house's daily tests, which is by no means a simple task.

- This is thanks to her ability to learn things quickly, which she puts to the absolute best use throughout the entire story.

- She's undoubtedly the most athletic out of the full-score trio, as she can pull off a leap like this with no issue!

- I gotta give her voice actor credit here because her scream at the end of EP1 is simply fantastic.

- She noticed the windows in the house were screwed shut, which reinforced the idea that the kids were merely raised like cattle. (Ray was also aware of this, of course.)

- Suspects the use of tracking devices. (The anime had Norman voicing this realization, so whoever you want to give the credit for this is up to you.)

- Believe me when I say that her acting skills are top-notch.

- She's so good that she was able to control her emotions enough and even regulated her pulse to fool Isabella.

- This! Just all of this. Her crazy ideals, her never-give-up mentality, her ability to stay optimistic and strong despite everything they're up against.. just amazing.

- She always thinks of her family first. (she honestly rarely cries too, now that I think about it.)

- By using what she overheard from the demons at the gate and the “blood tests” Isabella once told her about, Emma was able to figure out where the tracking devices were located on her own. (Yeah, Ray knew of this too, but he kept that info to himself.)

- She then created a situation that allowed her to confirm this and that yes, Isabella is indeed always checking their trackers.

- It was Emma's idea to train the other children by playing tag. Not only did this help them during the escape, but afterwards as well.

- Takes advantage of every opportunity to learn. (also, the strength she has!)

- Amazing learning ability x2 (I'm aware the manga says 10 instead, but still! I bet she could memorize 100 too!)

- She believes in everyone and makes Norman realize that no one in their family is truly bad and that leaving anyone behind, even the “traitor,” could cost them their life.

- She called Ray out on his bluff about him actually being willing to help everyone escape.

- Then confronted Ray about the possibility of him experimenting on the tracking devices of their siblings, thus resulting in their early shipments, which is something Norman didn't even realize, if his surprised expression is anything to go by. (Emma scolds him and hides her anger well, though she only stays mad for like, a minute.)

- She, along with Gilda, notice Isabella disappear every night after 8pm, leading them to assume the house might contain a secret room. They eventually pinpoint where it's located. (Ray suspects such a room must have existed, but wasn't certain.)

- Introduces the boys to William Minerva's books and the morse code bookplates they held, which the trio all know how to decode and understand. (I know Phil pointed them out to her originally and manga Ray was also aware of them, surprise, but..) the hunch she had about the two special books being important guides for them turned out to be true later on after the escape.

- Accepts her mistakes and is quick to apologize when she's wrong.

- Thank you anime for giving us these wonderful lines.

- Has her leg broken and yet she doesn't shed one damn tear. (the horrific sound still haunts me.) Ah, might as well also mention this now, but her theme, 63194, is one of the best songs on the soundtrack.

- Once again caring about others more than herself, as she was ready to destroy her leg/foot even more if it allowed Norman a chance to escape.

- This absolutely amazing moment right here! Easily one of the best panels of her by far!

- Used what she heard from Krone and spent two months hiding her emotions and plans from Isabella. Learning ability & best actress x10.

- Isabella actually believes this. Seriously, someone give Emma an award. Best actress x50.

- Do y'all know how strong physically, mentally and emotionally this girl must be to cut off her own ear? I know she was in a rush to escape while Isabella was busy with the fire, like she literally had about ten seconds (anime) to remove her tracker, but damn! Not once does she ever cry over it either. May I remind you she's only 11!

- Stops Ray's suicide attempt by catching the match, thus burning her palms.

- It was her idea to let the other kids know of the escape, which helped in proceeding with the preparations behind Isabella's back.

- I love Ray x fire jokes as much as the next person, but we all know who the real pyro is. More props to her voice actor again for the scream that follows!

- Successfully carried out Norman's plan and escaped Grace Field with 14 other children.

(post-season one spoilers beyond this point)

- Keeps her cool in dangerous situations, which helps calm down the younger children. Also fairly knowledgeable of the books from Grace Field's library, such as “The Adventures of Ugo,” which came in handy in the demon forest.

- Remains positive and completely hopeful after learning the truth about the demon world they're living in from Sonju.

- It only took three days for her to become proficient enough in archery in order to hunt successfully. She apparently also knows how to use a harpoon (ch49) (but I don't think we ever see that, sadly). Learning ability x20.

- She also didn't panic when she was held at gunpoint. She stayed reasonably calm and forced her way free instead.

- Didn't even flinch when Yuugo's bullet grazed her cheek.

- Can she just get a round of applause, please?

- Emma is just so fearless. Gun to the head? Knife in her face? Doesn't matter. She'll threaten you right back.

- Kudos to her learning ability yet again x50.

- Her quick reflexes and accuracy are phenomenal.

- Of course, cue the talk-no-jutsu skills that every shonen protagonist is undoubtedly skilled with.

- Even Lewis knows at a first glance that our girl is good. Takes a lot to receive praise from this demon.

- Offers herself up as bait to lure the poachers away from the other children.

- Literally cares for anyone, as she helped countless kids she didn't even know during her first hunt at Goldy Pond by keeping them safe.

- Thanks again to her knowledge of the “The Adventures of Ugo” novel, she was able to locate the memory chip for the pen that contains information about Minerva's supporters, the paths to cross over to the human world, Goldy Pond, The Seven Walls and Project Lambda 7214.

- The damn skill she has in handling guns in the matter of two weeks is astonishing.. and she's still only 11.

- Informed the Goldy Pond kids on how to accurately aim for the demon’s center eye, which greatly helped them take out the poacher Nouma.

- She has the audacity to taunt Lewis right back and I love her for it. She also offered to stay behind in order stall Lewis on her own, despite knowing he's the most dangerous of the poachers.

- When the talk-no-jutsu towards the crazy demon fails, she summons a wide array of guns against him, because why the hell not, right?

- She once admitted that she was no good at reading an opponent's moves, but after watching many people in her life who are skilled in such a way (Norman, Ray, Isabella, Krone) and thanks to the knowledge she recently leanred about Goldy Pond, she manages to catch Lewis off guard and electrocute him. Her level of adaptability is wonderful. Learning ability x100.

- Can we all just take a moment to obsess over Emma's Goldy Pond outfit because it is fucking fantastic! She just looks so damn good! (I owe Demizu my life for this.)

- Actually manages to get Yuugo to call her by her real name after he was so adamant to no learn them or get attached to the kids.

- This bright smile adds five years onto my life.

- She’s the first to notice the disadvantage demons have with regeneration, which ultimately leads to their winning strategy against Lewis.

- She somehow survives this. (plot-armor, I know, but goddamn!)

- Now presenting, the exact moment I fell in love with Emma, because holy fucking shit! Not only does she survive getting stabbed like that, but she gets back up and continues fighting! Can I get a big ol' HELL YEAH!!

- She busts out the pistol with the trick shots she's kept hidden this entire time until the very right moment, effectively taking Lewis by surprise and granting Yuugo a clear shot to his middle eye as the demon stands defenseless against the shower of bullets.

- Emma's influence over everyone else is so powerful. We see it many times throughout the story, but because of her, they all accept that the impossible is possible, everyone is worth saving, and to never give up. This is especially amazing to witness in scenarios with Ray, since Krone once said that his weakness was that he's "a little quick to give up. He makes a decision fast but abandons other just as quickly."

- Because of everyone's assistance, they were able to destroy Gold Pond and rescue over 60+ kids, which probably wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Emma presence at the hunting ground in the first place.

- Not to discredit Ray, because I'm sure he did a fine job of cauterizing Emma's wounds, but she did survive a day and a half with a low blood count. (She was unconscious, sure, but her body didn't give up either.)

- Finally wakes up from her coma a month later and the first thing she's concerned with is the safety of everyone else.

- I swear, this girl has a heart of gold, but we knew that already.

- Doesn't let her missing ear hinder her at all, just adjusts how it would function normally in her daily life.

- Memorized the many maps found in the shelter's reference room alongside her siblings. Learning ability x125.

- She's capable of taking out three wild demons in the matter of seconds. Accuracy and speed on point still on point.

(Ah post-timeskip, just a little over halfway done now.) - Will not hesitate to jump in and save someone, regardless of the danger to herself.

- No 13 year-old should have this amount of pressure on their shoulders, but I'll be damned, she handles this and so much more well.

- She pushes aside her own anxieties over losing the shelter, those two boys and possibly Yuugo and Lucas and decides to lift the spirits of everyone else instead.

- Y'all see this demon? Do you think she cares? Not one bit! All that matters is her family's safety and she'll do anything to preserve that. We stan one reckless girl.

- Doesn't cry over the deaths of Yuugo and Lucas (at least, I don't think she does? She appears more frustrated here than upset.)

- She can pick up on how others are feeling, even if they're trying to hide it. (also does so several times to Norman (ch30, 128,153) and even to Yuugo (ch64))

- Is the first to volunteer to sneak into the mass production farm guarded by demons in order to retrieve the medicine Chris needs.

- Honey, how are you not screaming for you life right now?

- Official translation has Hayato saying “The Boss is saying he wants to meet you,” but I feel like this unofficial one here conveys the exchange between Emma and Oliver better. Their large family has children who are older and more experienced as a leader than Emma, but they all choose to follow her.

- Just a casual reminder of how strong our girl is. (She even beats out Ray and Don in terms of strength too.)

- I probably only find this impressive because I love my sleep, but she wakes up at 6 in the morning. Always. Without fail. For thirteen years. Then panics the one time she actually oversleeps.

- She knows every life is precious, no matter who or what they are. Also doesn’t want to follow Norman's civil war plan, which is good, because damn that's a bit extreme. Doing so would only create more fear and hatred.

- Say it louder.

- LOUDER!

- Agrees to go and find out more about The Seven Walls in hopes to stop Norman's plan, despite the many risks. Can she really arrive at TSW? What's actually there? Could she even make a new promise? Will she be able to return afterwards? There's a bunch of unknowns, but that won't stop her. (“Simple?” “It is simple.” That line kills me every time.)

- TSW proved to be very mentally exhausting but she and Ray did survive all the craziness they faced while trapped there.

- Due to her unique way of thinking, she managed to remain sane and was able to figure out how TSW worked, which is something even Ray couldn't quite comprehend.

- Because of that, she was then able to finally meet the bastard demon god.

- Thus allowing her to..successfully.. make a new promise. (Ahhh)

- Best actress x500 (damn damn damn!)

- Honestly, have they practiced this before or is her athleticism just that superior? Either way, she never fails to surprise me.

- Isn't afraid to speak the truth and put one of her best friends in their place.

- But manages to (somehow) forgive him, after his plan successfully killed the queen, the demon royals and poisoned the capital city, which forced the nearby demons to degenerate.

- Her optimism knows no bounds.

- She & everyone else were able to infiltrate Grace Field which is not only guarded by demons but the Ratri clan as well.

- Just how? I know your athletic but wow!

- The woman who shipped out so many of Emma's siblings and broke her leg now holds a gun to her face and yet our girl doesn't look panicked in the slightest. Girl, how are you so brave?! Holy shit. There's no fear in those eyes, only anger.

- AND she ends up forgiving her! After learning Isabella betrayed Peter and realizing that all the mothers and sisters are also fighting for their freedom, Emma gladly accepts Isabella's assistance. (Best mother daughter moment I've ever seen.)

- The entire talk-no-jutsu she pulls on Peter in ch172. She's angry, even downright hates the Ratri, but she refuses to get revenge for all the trouble they've caused to her family and friends by killing Peter. She admits the clan's actions can never be forgiven, but she still shows sympathy because she knows they were also suffering due to the world and roles they were born into.

- We find out that Emma worded the promise perfectly which allows every human raised as food to cross over into the human world. Truly thinking of everyone as per usual.

- She kept her promise to Phil and came back for him and the rest of the children she had originally left behind at Grace Field.

- Again, showing no hesitation to save someone she barely knows, even when unarmed.

- Pretty sure I was in literal tears at this point of the chapter, so kudos to her for making me bawl my eyes out. Aahh, she's just so forgiving and her heart is so big.

- Best actress x9999 (*screaming internally*)

- SHE LITERALLY SACRIFICES HER OWN HAPPINESS SO EVERYONE IMPORTANT TO HER CAN LIVE IN PEACE AND BE HAPPY!!

- She loves her family so deeply that even without her memories, her heart still remembers them. (it makes me cry too, hun, it's okay.)

- She has a heart literally made of solid gold. Of course she can't refuse the bastard's reward, but still accepts it with a smile on her face knowing that all humans and demons, of the present and future, can now live freely without any fear. She completely ended the tragedy that persisted the last 1,000+ years and changed the world like she set out to do back in ch4. Sweetheart please, you're anything but selfish.

- She has the most precious family on the planet. Her influence was so strong that they searched endlessly for two years just to see her again, by never giving up or doubting her words back in ch178. They're beyond happy when they do finally find her and are a bunch of sweethearts who accept her no matter what.

- Ahh, I just really love Emma okay? She's honestly one of the few protagonists I actually enjoy. Happy Birthday again to this all-around amazing girl and I can't wait to see her in action in future anime seasons!!

(congrats, you've made it to the end. i apologize if i missed any other moment worth mentioning, but yeah, i think this is enough for now.)

[mallowstep]

daisy in “ashes”

or, nonspecifically, what are cats like goldenflower, ferncloud, and daisy getting up to, anyway?

this is tied to my thoughts on medicinery, so if you’re not caught up, a summary: med cats now only spend about 50% of their time doing “medicine” and it’s more osteopathic than in the books.

[1.7k words, 6 minute read]

daisy's kin (i just finished it)

so i just finished daisy's kin and 😗👌 am i happy with it.

i've always been exploring this, like, i'm lowkey obsessed with developing the role of the nursery queen, and...i don't know what i expected, but this was nice to read.

it was good both that thunderclan valued her and hnnng it was so good.

obsessed, i'm obsessed.

but curiously enough, i'm going to refrain from focusing (too much) on the story part of it. i just, this quote stands in my mind

That is important work.

snow, in response to daisy telling her about her role in thunderclan.

like, (a) it is, and it feels so good to read a book acknowledging that, and (b) it is, and i'm really happy that everyone agrees.

so anyway, i feel like the latest warriors release was tapped in to my brain.

first, it had all of this stuff that happens in mtbnsof (squirrelstar, if you don't read my fic/can't keep track of acronyms, which, understandable), or is going to happen in mtbnsof.

i kind of spoiled a lot of stuff in my book notes, but i'm not doing that again, so moving on.

anyway, i wasn't really excited for daisy's kin and spotfur's rebellion, i just wanted the blackfoot novella.

but damn, i was wrong.

i felt like someone had a line into my brain because daisy's life is exactly what i wanted it to be.

i'm going to talk about that in a moment i just really don't want to understate how fantastic it is to see a warriors novella expand and develop these ideas. i strongly urge you to read daisy's kin if you haven't already. it's really, really good. i'm being deliberately vague about the plot to encourage you to read it.

i think this might go as far as repairing the hole in my heart from "leafpool's wish." i don't think there's anything that can fix the brain rot (although the line in SFR, where she's like "adoption is valid," is close), but the hole? that's healing because of daisy's kin.

and y'all already know how much i hate leafpool's wish.

chapter five: advent

so if you don't read my fic "ashes," chapter five (advent) was published april 10th, and the basic summary is it's the first 3 months of holly/jay/lion's life.

it's a chapter i like, we're going to do a quick breakdown. there are spoilers for this chapter, and also probably the future of the fic. depending on when i actually publish this essay, they may or may not have been covered, so read at your own risk.

so the basic summary of advent is this:

ashfur meets his children

daisy apologizes for not supporting squilf

ashfur announces his children to thunderclan

sandstorm offers motherly advice

squilf has a moment where she's like "i'm not ready for this but you are my whole world

cool.

anyway, daisy has this line that i like:

But Leafpool's young, and she's not a queen. I understand.

she's talking to squilf and is kind of..."i'm here for you."

the implication is that leafpool's job doesn't really extend to kits, past their physical well-being.

and later on, daisy (and ferncloud) are the cats squilf leans on. she's the one who provides a lot of support over jaykit, especially when they're all arguing all the time about it.

she's also a support to the kits. they would all die for her.

daisy gives advice about how well jaykit is growing and reassures squilf it's okay to be kind of bored when they're little and sleeping all the time.

she also has this moment:

"Oh, hush," Daisy said, "I'm just proud she knows so many words."

where hollykit says bb curse and daisy is like "ah yes my daughter! she's so smart!"

anyway, daisy is just...

when hollypaw doesn't know what she wants, she's going to ask daisy for advice. she's a neutral party: squirrelflight is her mother, but daisy is in a not-quite-mother role.

she's the one who notices when leafpool is With Kits. that's her job.

she really does take it as a failure that she didn't notice what was going on with squilf. in the clan, her role is to stop that from happening. i mean, no one really blames her because squilf's kits were early and leafpool was there but...it was 100% her job to not have that happen.

if something had gone wrong, she would have taken it even harder.

(also, ferncloud usually also serves this role, but she has her own litter right now, so that's consuming a fair amount of her time/energy.)

kinship (kind of)

okay, well.

i've been talking about kinship more and more lately.

it's because i'm working on "wing & feather" (aka the jaywing au where dove and jay are siblings), and kinship is a somewhat big deal there.

so anyway, first: my usual preemptive vocabulary lesson:

sraue

litter, littermates.

maach

blood-family unit, sibling (by blood)

maara

den-family unit, denmates (going over this another time)

rru

mother, mother's sister.

rruha

denmother (queen who nursed at same time, or nursery queen)

there, not so bad.

right, so i'm doing a full breakdown of kinship elsewhere, because while the maach side is fairly simple, the maara side is...there are just different rules. they're not more complicated, but they're a second set of rules.

(and then you can have situations where, say, in w&f, by maach, jay and dove are maach with squilf and leaf, but by maara, squilf is rruha to them.)

see so it's complicated.

but we're honing in on rruha for this.

rruha is a term referring basically to any queen who could have nursed you.

using ashes, daisy, ferncloud, and squilf as an example:

if squilf's milk didn't come in (as per canon), fern would have nursed HJL, so ferncloud is rruha to them. (she's also got a maach relationship, but rruha supersedes that.)

similarly, squilf could have nursed fox and ice, so she's rruha to them. (unlike with HJL, she doesn't have a maach relationship to them, because she's not related to ferncloud. the more you know.)

daisy could have nursed either litter (hypothetically? it's a little complicated and the cat bio section is later on), so she's rruha to both.

this relationship is one of the highest ones on the influence later. the maternal relationship (rru) is the only clear trump card. the paternal relationship (seya) can be more important, but it depends on the father.

(the littermate and denmate relationships are also very important, but in a different way.)

so, daisy is somewhere between a grandmother and a mother to pretty much every cat in thunderclan.

god bless you if you ever try to hurt her, because that's a lot of cats who would not let that happen.

queens

alright, so. the crux of it all.

what is the role of a (life-long) queen?

to nurture queens and kits.

it's that simple.

it's just a very important job.

i imagine they train each other, too. goldenflower offered advice and teachings to ferncloud, and ferncloud brought experience of clan life to daisy, and vice versa.

i hope someone takes up residence of the nursery with daisy, because otherwise that's a lot of leadership to just break up.

(as an aside, seriously, this is out of nowhere: i'm still thinking about moonflower's death. it has to be the saddest death in warriors, for me. i think because she's such a mother figure: soft and hazy and kind, and she dies. and she's...you know, you barely thought of her as a warrior. bluepaw still sees her only as mother and then she dies, dies in a raid that you know was questionable, and it hurts so much. moonflower might be the only warriors death i cried over. because it pulled at this raw, primal place of grief and loss.)

cat biology (naturally)

you know, i made this header, but i don't actually remember what i had to say?

huh.

well. there's a nonzero chance i remember later so...

yep remembered.

okay so y'all know. i have fucked over my google for you searching info about cat lactation.

someone better care about this.

okay so.

best i can tell, cats will lactate with kits around, pregnant or not. it helps to be around pregnant queens, but a cat like daisy should have no trouble providing milk for kits where necessary.

now, based on what i know about this (which is more than i want to talk about lest someone accuse me of...eh yeah), this won't be perfect for newborn kits, but it'll keep them alive.

the problem is it's not necessarily going to be instant.

what i'm saying is, the troubles in daisy's kin are valid, considering the nursery is empty.

the long night

okay so i've talked about the long night/"whatever is done only by me" enough and i don't feel like explaining it again.

but basically, it's daisy's job to stop that from happening.

daisy (again, using daisy as a filler for "queens like daisy") is supposed to check in on queens, make sure they're safe, support them.

she will drop kick anyone out of the nursery who threatens that.

and you don't want to mess with daisy because it won't be one drop kick so much as the entirety of the junior warriors.

this is the most important part of daisy's job. crisis de-escalation. tree has nothing on queens.

notes and touches

uh, let's see...oh fuck! going to edit something.

okay anyway.

i'm very sad they let daisy sleep alone in the nursery D:

cats are highly social she didn't deserve that

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[yhtaejoon]

hi! this is chey, i was here close to opening with kim1 (kim joonwoo), but i got really busy with a new job and accidentally dipped. i’m so so sorry for that! anyway, here’s taejoon’s unfinished info page & his pinterest board. this is rushed so it’s probably gonna be messy??? idk. we’re all in this together. hmu on discord if that’s your thing --- pepper#4940

full name is kang taejoon, but he has no affiliation with the kang family. he’s actually filling the role of daebak8! i checked the last names to make sure he didn’t have the same one as one of the families but alas, my pea-brain still failed me.

on that note, he’s a tiktoker born in 2000. started on vine in 2012, but didn’t actually get serious about his online presence until 2014-ish and IMMEDIATELY started lying about his life because what else is a fourteen year old gonna do online?

lied about his age, his hobbies, his family, his experiences, etc. he just really, really wanted to seem interesting, and hey! it worked! he eventually fooled thousands of people into thinking he’s someone worth their time. chased trends like crazy, kept in close touch with his “fanbase”, picked up sponsorships all while keeping his ACTUAL life completely secret basically. got very comfortable with lying.

he was always pretty obsessed with the attention because he lost his popularity when he stopped playing soccer (f’s in the chat for the former athlete side of him) & getting money from promoting brands was good, too, bc while his family isn’t necessarily lower class, they could still use some help. plus he needed cash to buy anime merch.

flash forward to 2020. he graduated high school in early 2019, still has no desire to go to college or get a “real” job. he has it made rn living in the daebak house and creating online content still. living the life.

except not really because how fulfilling can it honestly be to watch thousands of people becoming fond of ur fake persona? he still lies a ton, has begun to feel like no one will ever like him for who he actually is bc it’s quite disappointing in comparison to the always ON persona he shows. 

his tiktok user name is “beetlejoon” which is a play on beetlejuice if you couldn’t tell dshbfvds.

he speaks english really well from a mix of classes when he was young, growing up online and trying to appeal to westerners, and watching a ton of western shows/films. he does kind of have an accent but for the most part.... a lot of ppl who only know him online assume he lives in america/is from america.

the rumor about him buying views/followers is definitely true. he’s not losing popularity or anything, he just wants to look even more relevant than he actually is.

cries himself to sleep like every night but you’d NEVER guess. he’s super funny when he’s around people, knows what people want and will do anything he can to blend in and make everyone like him. needs that validation so bad. life of the party.

flirts a lot for no other reason than he can and he likes the validation of people flirting back! but his love life is hectic and always disappointing. on one hand, he knows a ton of his followers are delusional w the idea that they can be with him and he doesn’t wanna lose followers by being Unavailable. on the other hand, can’t risk being too close with anyone and them finding out nothing he says is true. heehee.

he follows whatever trends are in at the moment, so he owns a ton of dumb shit that will never be practical/clothes he’ll never wear in public/probably has dumb tattoos he got impulsively.

his trademark thing (that he stole Obviously) is a broken heart that he draws on his cheekbone Every Single Day. probably claims that it’s a tattoo just to fuck with his followers but there’s those odd times when it’s not there and everyone’s confused.

wears all black usually, lots of chains, leather, platform boots, dangly earrings, but he’s not the kind of guy your parents worn you about. he couldn’t be scary if he tried. he’s CLEARLY just a tiktok e-boy. he’s more like the lowlife your parents compare you to to make you feel better about how slow your life is moving.

while we’re talking about parents.... his gave up on him when he moved into the daebak house. he tries to give them money and support them but they won’t have it. decline his calls. don’t write him back. they think he’s mad embarrassing which is... fair. his tiktok presence is definitely questionable

likes to be funny and make people laugh, but he actually cannot take anything seriously even if he tries. this definitely gets on peoples’ nerves, has probably ended some good friendships/relationships/whatever else. sometimes he can lighten the mood if it’s dark but most of the time it just pisses people off bc it seems like he doesn’t care/doesn’t understand.

idk what else to say but if you’ve read this far and you like music, two songs that i heavily associate with taejoon are cotton candy by yungblud and lowkey as hell by waterparks. listen to them if you want... or don’t.

i don’t have a plots page put together yet, but here are some vague ideas i have:

(0/2) --- past tinder dates whom he lied to about his age and it came out somehow </3 maybe he tried to take them to a bar and he got caught with a fake id. maybe they went snooping and found out none of his info adds up. either way, the dates were short-lived and they probably clowned him pretty hard.

(0/?) --- fans of his tiktok page.

(0/?) --- alternatively, people who know of his tiktok page and think it’s dumb.

(0/1) --- another influencer who is jealous of his following, thinks he doesn’t deserve it.

(0/1) --- another influencer who “beefs” with him online so they both get more views.

(0/1) --- another influencer he collabs with a lot, even if their content is completely different. they’re friends, so might as well piggyback of each other’s popularity!

(0/1) --- close friend who makes frequent appearances on his tiktok, usually for relationship trends bc he doesn’t have an actual partner to film them with. usually acting like clowns, clearly faking but his fans still think it might be real. 

(0/1) --- someone he hooked up with at one (or more) of the daebaek house parties and ghosted afterwards. completely acts like he doesn’t know them. oops.

(0/?) --- friends to do dumb shit with. he’s impulsive and just hates to be alone (especially when doing stuff that might get him in trouble) so you could say these are his accomplices. if he wants to do things he’ll regret, they’re always in!

(0/?) --- some mellow friends who balance out his chaos.

(0/1) --- the one (1) friend he got matching tattoos with on impulse. probably something really stupid. the one thread that holds their friendship together when they fight.

(0/1) --- someone who holds themselves to really high standards, takes life seriously. thinks they’re better than taejoon and doesn’t hesitate to show it.

(0/1) --- ex partner who broke up with taejoon because (1) he wouldn’t stop lying to them, (2) he still claimed to be single online and (3) he just cracked jokes when they tried to talk out their problems, wouldn’t really listen. probably hate him now but he’s really sorry. please accept these (cheap, probably wilting) apology flowers.

i want every plot. all of them. anything u can throw at me! but if i kept typing ideas out, i’d be at this forever and we really can’t have that. so just hit me up if any of these catch your attention or if you’ve got anything you think he’d fit! 

[cloudyfm]

ok yes i’m here with lilia’s info ur resident demon have fun pals<3

family background - yes this is copy pasted myob<3

ya’ll ever read one of those drug ring ao3 fanfics where y/n is dating the sexy drug cartel leader? well that’s their family!

generational family blood money because that’s how cartels work i think. started running + dealing three generations back with their great-grandparents in order for them to make a living. it wasn’t until the so-called business was handed down to their grandparents that they wanted to expand and generate more money. the big pharma cover was created in order for them to manufacture, distribute, and supply at a larger scale. present day, their family name has notoriety with other cartel and mafia families.

basically avery was supposed to take over because he was the oldest right, but lilia did not want that at all. their parents started favoring avery and schmoozing up to him a little bit to get him to say yes (even though avery was fully prepared to give lilia the position) and lilia was like! what the fuck! so she told their parents about this one time that avery accidentally blabbed the family secret to a stranger at a party which broke their one rule of keeping it a secret. their parents wanted nothing to do with him anymore and completely cut avery off and kicked him out of the family.

everyone knows that avery and lilia are siblings, even though they don’t really know the actual details about their past together because avery doesn’t say anything about his family and the cartel is a secret. now that they are both at yale and in the elites together they are just kinda like haha awkward <3 they basically would just tell everyone that they grew apart if other characters tried to pry but also lilia is now telling people that avery fucked up a business decision which is why he left the family and avery is like alright but good luck trying to get other info out of them! xo, the jeongs

personal background

a legacy and a member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-one and a junior undergrad student majoring in pharmacology. they are as zealous as they are vain.

blackmails: and yes ik we only needed 2 i got pressed and stubborn (drugs tw):

blackmailing vanity fair to keep them from speaking negatively about her and her family by dealing to their reporters. she’s more so doing this to protect herself and her brother than her parents.

is aware of annie and violet’s work arrangements with her family’s drug business. she refuses to involve herself by mentioning that the family they work for is hers and is currently turning a blind eye to the questionable tasks that are asked of them.

purposely sent an ex boyfriend to prison when she was 18 due to her being tired of being in a consistently toxic relationship. she set him up to be found with various bags of illicit drugs (of which were owned by her family) and framed him with possession with intent to distribute and supply to garner a felony charge as an adult.

ok moving to present day stuff<3

ever since avery left the family, her parents have basically put immense pressure on her to fill his spot - the spot she wanted, and since her loyalty is with them and herself, she accepted it and did whatever had to be done. she was 16 when it became her job to take over, so whatever parts of her childhood she had left kind of just left when they began to prime her.

at 18, her mom finally revealed to her that avery had the intentions to give her control of the family when she came of age - something that she didn’t know until 2 years after she fucked up ! her guilt eats her alive to this day, but rather than mending her relationship with him personally, she sends him money anonymously through shorting her parents. 

she actually loves being in the elites ... it gives her such a sense of importance whether or not she is considered a legacy. was kind of excited to join actually and frankly that bit her in the ass with the blackmailer out here but its fine.

her college years have frankly been quiet like .. she’s studious to the point she needs to be but she really is not a partier, doesn’t do drugs because she’s seen first hand the shit that her parents are involved in, and barely drinks. when she does she literally doesn’t know how to handle it and fears losing control. literally if you wanna manipulate her this is how u do it lmao.

this is mentioned in the personality section but yes she is in the classics book club at yale ... she loves her classics</3

she’s actually easy to get along with ok just don’t cross her i promise my god im going to lose it

i don’t know im blanking so bad and this is alrdy almost 1500 words i cant do this anymore. UGHGHH more of her personal stuff is in the personality section im heaving

personality

ridiculously cut throat and has no issues stepping on people to get to where she needs to be. like if it came down to saving herself or saving someone else who she doesn’t have a close connection to? she will always pick herself. 

makes a game out of other people one - upping her<3 if she knows she can win, and sometimes even when she can’t, she will purposely cause a problem just to see them fall and grow her own ego.

also will start problems casually and then just sit back and watch them unfold while drinking wine out a mug.

literally ... and i mean literally obsessed with being perceived as beautiful and pretty. she’s so mf vain that it’s actually a problem, and i can promise you if you call her ugly miss girl will cry. this mostly has to do with her self esteem issues and the pressure put onto her by her parents after avery left. yes she did this to herself dni.

loyal only to those who she cares about otherwise they can frankly rot<3 and there are times where she will break that loyalty if it benefits her.

ik this may not be believable but she actually is extremely insecure and anxious deep down lmao like she has such an obsession with proving that she’s the best to her peers and her family that it flat out consumes her consistently. this is what causes her to act out most of the time and if someone was to become close to her it would be plainly evident. yes - she can be soft.

has an overt persona of positivity and carries herself as someone who doesn’t have negative intentions and sometimes makes it hard to believe that she’s actually capable of doing the things that people accuse her of.

yes she is calculating and manipulative and miss girly will look for faults only to make them worse.

she literally wasn’t always like this but when her and avery’s relationship started to fracture, she kind of let her own selfishness consume her.

she plays stupid a lot KLNDFKNDLKFSD  will pretend to be interested in random men in her classes so they will baby her and do shit for her that she could have easily done herself. it’s not that she’s lazy but she’s only studying pharma because of her family. she has an obsession with classical lit and would have rather majored in that if given the chance. 

has a fear of emotional intimacy </3 went through a really toxic relationship from the ages of 16-18 that was basically more done to bring her family and another together for a business deal and it just ... did not end well for her and basically she was treated like shit. literally the only way she could get out of it was to frame him and then bribe people to make sure the felony charge wasn’t dropped. her family doesn’t know she did this so<33333 

statistics

full name: lilia iris jung.

nicknames: lili or lia.

age: 21.

date of birth: august 02, 1999.

siblings: avery ( older brother ).

birthplace: new york city, new york, united states.

current location: new haven, connecticut, united states.

astrological sign: leo sun / capricorn moon / virgo rising.

gender: cis female.

pronouns: she / her / hers.

height: 5′1″.

sexuality: bisexual.

religion: atheist.

piercings: double lobe on her right ear, triple lobe on her left ear, tragus on her right ear, and a helix on both her left and right and ears.

tattoos: this on her inner, right bicep, and this behind her left ear.

haircolor: brunette.

literally for wanted connections i want 2 things: (1) someone to rock her shit bc that is deserved, and (2) idk she’s wearing a mask like 80% of the time so someone who she is close enough to actual b real with :\ if this doesn’t make sense myob im taking a nap

[jimlingss]

The President’s Son [11]

Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12

➜ Words: 2.7k

➜ Genres: 100% Fluff, Slice of Life, Bodyguard!AU

➜ Summary: Kim Taehyung is the President’s son, mischievous and playful, and infamous for being a troublemaker. When everyone’s given up, they call for you to be his personal guard. There’s no other choice when your dad’s assigned you to it and surprisingly Taehyung doesn’t mind either. Maybe because you happened to grow up with that brat.

It’s driving him absolutely crazy.    “Did you change your hair recently?”   You frown, expression incredulous. “What? No.”   He doesn’t understand what it is nor can he put his finger on it. “Are you sure?”   “I think I would know if I did something different. Are you okay?”   Taehyung doesn’t exactly know the answer to the question. He merely sighs and tears his eyes away from you. All he’s sure about is that suddenly you’ve become extremely attractive to him.    It was out of nowhere. His palms are sweaty and clammy, heart burning as if he swallowed a burger whole, gaze lingering on you for way too long. You’ve always been hot and he made that known. He’s never been one to hide his opinions, but they were always observations at best without much weight to his words.    But out of nowhere, he woke up one morning and it occurred to him, hitting like a freight train at full speed — you weren’t just hot or radiating a kind of quiet seduction that was admirable...you were attractive. For the first time in his life Taehyung feels nervous in your presence. His knees are weak, he instinctively perks up at your voice, he can pick you out of a crowd. He feels drawn to you and it’s driving him insane as to why.    Maybe it’s because he finally looked at you up close and noticed how pretty your lashes were, the way your eyes twinkled against the light, how your lips were just the right colour. Or perhaps it’s the way you walk and present yourself, a kind of apathy that needed a type of confidence not many had.    Whatever the case may be, Taehyung is astonished.    You’re not the girl whose ponytail he used to tug on and used as a leash anymore. You’re his bodyguard, a protector, a white knight, Prince Fucking Charming. And you were charming indeed.   “Taehyung,” you call his name in a firm matter, staring blankly at him. “You’re in people’s way.”   “Um….excuse me…” Another student stands behind him, trying to shift but is blocked by the trash can and Taehyung’s body.    Taehyung snaps out of his daze, blinking twice as his head swivels around. But he’s too slow and you’re far too impatient. Your arm ends up lifting, hand extending, fingers wrapping around his wrist. You tug him closer to your body, moving him to let the unsuspecting female student go. He stumbles onto his feet, nearly falling into your chest but he catches himself.   The student walks away, mumbling a ‘thank you’ and you nod.   Taehyung’s left gazing at you again.   “….you’re so strong,” he murmurs.   “What?” Your neck cranes around to look at him again. This time, your furrowing brows ruins your blank expression, marring it with concern. “Are you sure you’re okay?”   He hums a note, too preoccupied with staring at how you’ve grabbed his wrist to respond coherently. Your grip is firm, unwavering, but when you let go, he finds himself sighing in disappointment.   It’s nothing. Taehyung brushes back the feeling. Maybe he’s sick, but he’ll get over himself eventually. You’re nothing to him — well, that’s a lie. You’re his friend, his bodyguard, someone he likes to pester and flirt with for the fun of it. There’s nothing deeper. And that’s what he repeats to himself over and over and over…..   “Taehyung,” you call him again, snapping your fingers in front of his face. “You’re going to be late for class.”   “Right, right.”   You shake your head, walking ahead and he follows after you. Out of the corner of your eye, you watch him intently and he only notices because he’s hyper aware of your presence. Trying to push his overwhelming feelings to the back of his mind proves futile.    “Hey.” You lean over to him in the middle of a lecture. “Are you going to stop staring at me?”   “I’m not staring at you,” he argues with a scoff that tries to be playful.   Taehyung sits straighter and then swivels his head forward.   “Are you actually sick?” You’re close to him, too close. He can feel your warm breath skimming against the skin of his neck and goosebumps raise all over his arms. “Do we need to go to the hospital, Taehyung?”   “No, dumbo. Just don’t talk to me, okay? I’m trying to pay attention.”   You obey his demand, moving away and he shuts his eyes tight, swearing at himself in the recesses of his brain. He didn’t mean it like that.   Taehyung sighs again, unable to concentrate.    It’s not like him to be like this. To be lost, unconfident, nervous, unable to relax around you. It’s goddamn annoying. You’re so annoying. But it’s not your fault. It’s his.    Or at least the fault of his mind for obsessing over this emotion. And Taehyung can’t figure out why his head is going crazy, why he’s losing it. He really might need to go see a doctor….   “You really don’t need to carry my textbooks for me.”   “It’s fine,” you say without knowing the effect it has on him. “I can use it as a weapon if someone runs up to us.”   Taehyung’s heart skips a beat.   He puts a hand over his chest. Deep down he knows how idiotic it is, but the thought of it drives him wild — you chucking the textbook at someone, stomping on them too. Most of the girls he knows or at least the ones who have ever shown interest in him were girls who wanted to leap into his embrace, wanted his arm wrapped around their shoulders, wanted him to protect them, and there was nothing wrong with that. But you were dependable, strong, grounded, not afraid to break a nail…..or a leg. You didn’t care for frivolous things and it was different. Admirable.   Attractive.   Someone might find the apathy and ruggedness a turn-off or even threatening, but it was sexy. Taehyung would love to watch you body slam or kick someone again.   “Watch where you’re going!”   Your scold has him snapping back to reality once more and regaining control of the bike. He stops it from teetering from side to side, just in time before toppling over onto the grass. “S-sorry.”   “Do you want to switch spots?”   “No, I’m fine. I was just thinking about something….”   There’s a moment of quiet before he hears you clear your voice. “If there’s something bothering you, Taehyung. You can always tell me.”   He considers it and swallows hard, biting the bullet with a gentle murmur. “Why did you have to save me?”   “Pardon?”   “Never mind.” He’s frustrated with himself and he finally finds the blame, the cause.   Taehyung blames it on that moment, when you saved him from being held hostage — the moment in the hospital, where he reached out to you for the first time and you allowed him to hug you. That glimpse, second, peek of vulnerability that showed you were indeed a human with emotions, emotions you repressed but were still ever present. And it sparked his own emotions.   It’s pathetic. When you’re beside him, he’s always trying to steal a glance at you. When you’re gone, he’s thinking about you, feeling like a lost puppy trying to find his own way back to their owner again.    Taehyung wishes he didn’t feel like this to someone who’s supposed to be a friend, but he’s about to give into it. There was nothing else to do and denying it only made it more painful. His style was always to take things in stride anyways….   “Have you ever dated anyone?”   Your eyes are wide, chin lifting, before you choke on your food. The bread you swallowed is stuck halfway through your gullet and your fist pounds against your chest in solid beats as you swallow hard. “Excuse me?”   “’M curious, that’s all.” Taehyung shrugs halfheartedly, but his eyes tell a different story. They watch your features and every change of them. “Have you ever been in love?”   “That’s my personal business and no one else’s.”   The distance is drawn again, a clear line marking the sand, but he won’t let it happen. Taehyung persists, pushing the boundary. “C’mon, dumbo. Spill some beans. What am I gonna do with the info anyways? Tell your dad?”   You’re mortified by the idea. But instead of giving a direct answer, you bite into your sandwich, chewing thoughtfully and musing that at this rate, there was no point in trying to remain professional anymore. Still, you skirt around the question. “Do you think I have time to date?”   “So, no? Not even a crush?” Taehyung leaves out the man named Kim Seokjin, not wanting to ruin his own mood.   “I don’t have time for that. And it’s not like it would even work out.”   The college boy quirks his head to the side. His food is left abandoned in front of him, but he pays no mind, lips pouted as his curiosity grows. “Why not?”   “Because I’m me,” you say as if it’s enough of an explanation, sipping your water afterwards to avoid any further conversation on the topic. But Taehyung is stubborn, terribly so.   “And?”   “And it just wouldn’t work.”   “Because you have the emotional range of a toothpick?” he suggests and you glare, causing light-hearted laughter to bubble out of his chest. Taehyung backs off right away with apologies.   “No one would be interested in someone like me. I don’t have anything to offer,” you add and he’s about to protest, tell you that’s untrue, but you move on too quickly. “Why are you asking?”   “I just never thought about it before. I figured I should get to know my bodyguard on a more personal level….”   You scoff. “What is this? A job interview?”   “No. But it could be a date.” The words are bold, with underlying nervousness laced between.   It remains undetected as your expression glazes over, becoming impassive. “Finish eating before the food gets cold. We have to go to the art studio before it closes.”   Taehyung obliges, but not without sulking.   It’s clear to him that you wouldn’t know what to do with his newly discovered feelings. It wasn’t mutual. Not in the least bit. You probably like him as much as you’d like a lamp at a furniture store. On the brighter side, he’d assume that you think he’s a kid you’d have to babysit, but Taehyung also knows other things that tell him otherwise.    You’re not as reluctant or quiet as you used to be. Months ago, you wouldn’t speak a single word to him, and now there’s at least light banter going back and forth. There’s progress…   But Taehyung wishes you he was close enough to you that you’d believe him if he told you that you were wrong about so many things. You have a lot to offer. Anyone who you’d ever like would be lucky.   //   “Y/N told me you weren’t feeling well,” the other man pipes up, pulling him away from his daze.    Taehyung’s lips fall into a straight line as he stares at the boy who’s not that much older than him. Yet he has a polished air, a refined aura. It must be from his crisp suit and dark hair styled cleanly; otherwise his youth is shown through his full cheeks and doe eyes.   “I’m fine.”   “Clearly.” The corner of his mouth threatens to pull into a smug smirk. Taehyung doesn’t appreciate it, but there’s little he can do. He’s seated in his room, arms crossed, leaning back in his cushioned arm chair, bored out of his mind.    “How much longer do I have to stay in the Blue House? Aren’t my kidnappers already in custody?”   “Your father’s planning for you to be able to leave in a week’s time.”   He sighs. Jungkook was currently on duty and watching him intently, enough to make him sweat. As much as Taehyung missed you, you still took your breaks. He’d throw a fit if not for how guilty he’d feel if you were by him all the time. Knowing you, you’re not comfortable going for a bathroom break when you have to watch him. So he pushes his selfishness aside and tolerates Jeon Jungkook for the sake of your well-being.   But there’s not much for Taehyung to do and he looks off at his current bodyguard, quirking his head to the side as he gazes. Jungkook knows he’s staring, but continues to look straight ahead with a blank expression. The male bodyguard would stand outside, but Taehyung was technically still deemed a potential flight risk, especially when you’re not the one on duty.   So to fill the void of silence, Taehyung speaks the thoughts brewing inside his mind.   “All of you guys are the same, aren’t you?”   Jungkook’s eyebrow cocks and Taehyung takes the reaction in stride, shifting himself to sit more comfortably, elbow on the arm of the chair, leaning his head into his palm. He continues, “Do you date?”   “Are you interested?” Jungkook bites back slyly.   “No.” Taehyung scoffs with his own smirk. “Just curious.”   “Curious people don’t ask invasive questions like that.”   “Are you going to answer me or not?” His tone is curt, less than kind.   “I don’t have time to do any kind of romancing, sorry to disappoint.” Taehyung exhales through his nose at the answer, but Jungkook’s doe eyes are far too sharp. “None of us do romance. That includes Y/N.”   It’s as if the two males are communicating telepathically. Nothing needs to be said aloud.   “Is that some sort of rule?”   “No. It’s just the kinds of people we are.”   Taehyung thinks about you. “Dense?”   “Prioritizing,” Jungkook corrects. “If we were family people, we wouldn’t have this kind of line of work. It’s time consuming and dangerous. We all have our reasons for working, but this isn’t the kind of job you get to work from nine to five or get a sense of prestige. There are better things out there for that.”   Taehyung makes a noncommittal sound at the back of his throat, but it isn’t enough to persuade him. He stands on his feet, footsteps padding on the wooden floorboards. He steps close, eyes narrowed into slits, the usual warm irises now coldly analyzing. “You’re human too. Not like the robots you try to act like. No matter how hard you try, you won’t succeed.”   Jungkook is unable to hide his amusement. “Succeed in what?”   “Pretending you don’t have feelings. Pretending you can’t love.”   Jungkook tilts his head with a cocky smirk. “If you think you can break me, give it a try, but I’m letting you know now that Y/N is even tougher than I am.”   Taehyung scoffs before a mischievous grin spreads into his cheeks, confidence blinding, but it isn’t groundless. “I know her better than you do.”   “Maybe. But that won’t make it any easier.”   There’s a held silence in the air, tension charged and suffocating. To Jungkook, Taehyung is a spoiled and selfish brat — his interest in you is both childish and foolish. Taehyung knows this, knows what the bodyguard thinks of him, and while he might be right with some things, he’s also sorely mistaken.   Like you, Jungkook is wrong about so many things—   “What are you two doing?”   Both males turn their heads. They find you standing at the doorway, your face incredulous and conflicted. Taehyung catches himself, realizing that he’s cornered his bodyguard in, that they’re a mere inch away from each other, eyes connected, lips close.   To any outsider, it is clear that they’re placed in a compromising situation.   He pales and rips himself away from Jungkook. “It’s not what it looks like!”   “I don’t care,” you say flat out, arm extending. “Here. You left your phone charger.”   “Y/N…..” Taehyung begs you to stay with a humongous pout, reduced to being a lovesick puppy, and you mercilessly put the charger on the table, not sparing him a glance.   You do, however, look at Jungkook. “Well...you can get back to whatever you were doing. Hope I didn’t interrupt anything important.”   Taehyung shouts your name again. The door shuts. He damns himself while Jungkook laughs straight from his belly, having too much fun on this shift and the college boy’s glare does nothing to simmer it down.   It’s going to be one hell of a task, but Jungkook’s wrong about one thing.   Taehyung’s never been one to back down on challenges. 

[officialbroski10-blog]

i’ll be your ohana(brian kendrick x oc)

a/n: i really could not think of a good title nor will i ever release this

a/n: welp it’s time to publish this. my magnum opus, my passion project that has taken me a year of on and off writing. lots of shit has happened in the span of a year.

•|•|•

PLOT: echo celeste (the oc) meets brian kendrick while she’s sitting on the beach in the middle of the night. upon coming closer, brian is intrigued by echo, and decides to talk to her. they soon find out how much they have in common.

many cameos will be made by various indy wrestlers that you may not know. if that’s the case, look them up online, they’re phenomenal workers!

also this takes place in honolulu, hawaii for some odd reason but oh well

Rating: this part is all fluff and angst

•|•|•

echo celeste was not what one would consider to be normal. she didn’t sleep much, was obsessed with things people took for granted, and could often be found staring at the sky sitting on waikiki beach at times when everyone else would be asleep. she described herself as an occult soul, unsure of her place in the world. on this particular night, the full moon was out, one of her favorite things to see in the sky, which made it just barely bright enough for her to do sketches on the beach.

brian was also not the definition of normal. he was a wrestler, for christ’s sake! he felt that normal society would never understand him, and was still stuck in some sort of emo teen phase. he looked different than most, preferring to let his hair grow out. whenever he was stressed, he found himself walking on waikiki at unholy hours in the night, which coincidentally was the same beach echo frequented.

maybe it was the way the moonlight hit her, but brian was mesmerized by echo. her lavender hair seeming like something straight out of a scifi movie, or like the wings of a fairy. her face scrunched up in concentration made her glasses almost cover up the tip of her nose. Either way, brian just had to talk to this woman, even if she turned out to be a figment of his imagination.

“hey there, whatcha working on?” brian asked, making sure he wouldn’t startle echo. that plan didn’t work.

“jesus fuck you scared me!” echo said in reply, also giggling at the end.

“oh sorry about that,” brian apologized, “i didn’t mean to do that to you! my names brian. brian kendrick. and what do they call you?”

“my full name is echo celeste svensson, but call me echo or echo celeste.” she smirked. “i’m working on a sketch!”

“oh that sounds cool! i’m assuming you’re an artist, then?”

“you would be correct! what do you do for a living?”

brian wasn’t sure if he should say he’s a wrestler. almost everyone who he told about his career had shunned him, saying that wrestling was fake. but he felt strangely at ease with echo, almost as if she had a calming aura about her that told him everything would be alright.

“i-i’m a wrestler. its not the best paying job in the world, nor the most liked job.” he admitted, seeming ashamed of what he did as a living. echo’s eyes almost burst out of her head. she was a huge wrestling fan, and this was one of the first wrestlers she ever met!

“that’s nothing to be ashamed of, brian! maybe i could catch one of your matches sometime. got any coming up soon?” brian’s eyes lit up, like a child on christmas day. nobody had ever shown interest in his line of work!

“uh, yeah, i do, today at 7pm-“

“then you can see me there! so, what brings you out here at 4AM on this friday morning?” echo questioned. it was rare for her to run into anyone on the beach at this hour, let alone anybody interested in what she was doing.

“i had a nightmare, and it helps me clear my mind if i take a walk in the night. i don’t have all my marbles, and when combined with a rough childhood, i get nightmares pretty often, but not normally bad enough to where i have to take a walk to calm myself.” brian obviously was not in a good frame of mind, and echo could sense that. she could relate with what brian was going through. she had an okay childhood, but got bullied all through school, which traumatized her and made her unable to trust most people. she never trusted anyone when she first met them. brian was an exception to this rule.

“hey brian, it’s okay. i got you, bud.” echo said, wrapping a blanket around her and a now-teary eyed brian. “everything will be alright. do you have a place to stay?”

the answer came as a surprise to echo. “not anymore. just got an eviction note and i have to move out all my stuff by noon. i don’t really talk to anyone here on the island, and don’t have any place to stay.”

“oh my god, that’s horrible! well i’ll tell you what: you can stay with me at my place for as long as you need to. you don’t have to chip in to pay for rent, and i can give up my bedroom for you.”

“t-that’s too much, echo! you don’t need to give me a spot to live at! i mean, i don’t deserve this-“ brian was awestruck at this proposition. nobody offered him anything in life, and he had gotten used to just dealing with things himself.

“oh, please! it’s the least i can do for someone who is actually interested in what i do. let’s go get your stuff, brian.”

•-•|•-•

“and there! we got all your stuff here safe and sound.”echo sighed, a bit exhausted after helping brian bring his stuff to her apartment.

by this time, it was almost 5am, and it was blowing echo’s mind to think that just two hours ago, she hadn’t known brian kendrick, and now he was moving in with her! he felt like an old friend at this point.

brian only had one medium box full of his clothes, but one huge box filled with wrestling memorabilia. three large binders contained various wrestling dvds from many different places, and pictures of him in action.

“would you like to get some breakfast or something? there’s a coffee house called apostles of smoothies nearby that has really good smoothies. then, while we’re there, we can figure out what our schedule will be. that sound good?”

brian responded with a gigantic hug. since he initially told echo about his situation, he couldn’t bring himself to talk. and echo understood that. she wasn’t much of a talker, either.

•-•|•-•

“logan, you son of a bitch, get over here!” echo yelled at her old friend logan black, owner of apostles of smoothies. logan was also a professional wrestler who, as his second job, ran a coffee house/wrestling arena on the beach. it was located in an old surf shack, with artwork of various artists decorating its walls. logan and echo were old friends from before they moved to hawaii. they grew up together in the middle of manhattan, and frequented concerts and wrestling shows together.

“well well well, look who we have here! you want your regular?”

“sure thing!”

“and who’s the guy with you today? is he a special someone?” logan asked. echo turned a bright red and punched logan in the arm.

“um hi, my names brian kendrick.” brian extended his hand out for a handshake.

“the names logan. this here is apostles of smoothies, the only coffee house/wrestling arena in honolulu! would you like something today?”

“i’ll have whatever echo’s having.”

“sure thing! if you’re a friend of echo’s, you’re a friend of mine. don’t worry about paying, it’s on the house.”

“logan,” echo teased, “you’re going to run out of business if you keep doing this!”

“i only do it for you, echo celeste svensson.”

echo rolled her eyes at logan.

“do you want to sit outside?” echo asked brian. “maybe we could talk over today’s schedule while we watch the sunrise.”

brian nodded in agreement as echo and him sat at a table facing the ocean.

“and here you go! two celestial sunrises for you guys!” logan said, giving them the smoothies.

“so, brian, i was thinking of getting some work done in the studio this morning, and ordering pizza for lunch around 12. is there anything you want to do today?”

brian’s response warmed echo’s heart. “i’d like to spend time with you today, if that’s alright. it’s gonna rain all day, so we’ll maybe watch a movie or two together and make a castle out of blankets. do you think you could hold off on your work in the studio until tomorrow?”

echo made some weird noise of excitement, like a giddy schoolgirl. “i’d love to watch a movie with you!”

•-•|•-•

echo queued up a mini studio ghibli marathon of her two favorite movies, my neighbor totoro and kiki’s delivery service. luckily, brian liked those two choices.

after they finished the movies and pizza, echo put on some chill step mix to calm her down. not that she was overly hyper, she just loved the feeling of being calm and loved, which was how she felt with brian in her apartment. the feeling of being loved was something echo had not felt since she moved to hawaii, three years ago.

however, the concept of being loved and safe was unfamiliar to brian. every time he thought about his past, it made him feel really down and not okay. all the years of repressing his bad memories had turned brian into a shy, broken, and unsure man. but he felt like a different man with echo, like he was missing a piece to his puzzle.

he looked down at echo, who was just snuggled into his side, looking at him lovingly.

“fuck it, i’m just gonna do it.” brian decided, leaning in to echo, lips meeting.

to say the kiss was amazing would be an understatement. the two fit together like puzzle pieces. brian pulled echo in, like a magnet. his lips met hers in a passionate embrace, with just the right amounts of roughness and romance. after an eternity and a half, the two finally broke apart, catching their breath.

“holy shit,” brian gasped, “that was totally uncalled for.”

“to be honest, that was exactly how i wanted my first kiss to go, brian.”

•-•|•-•

“well well well, look who’s back again!” logan yelled, scaring echo shitless. “you coming to see brian wrestle?”

“yeah, how did you know he wrestled?”

“looked up his info on the internet. he’s quite the journeyman, he’s been all over the states! wonder why he came to hawaii, though.”

“hey echo,” brian said, calling over echo, “i’d like you to meet some of my friends. you may know them. Say hello to Tony Booze.”

“Hey there Echo, I’m Tony.” Tony introduced himself, shaking Echo’s hand.

•-•|•-•

There were seven matches scheduled for that night’s event. Echo loved them all, and couldn’t keep her eyes off the action! But Brian was not in any of them, yet she still had a grand old time.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event of the night here at Oahu Championship Wrestling!” Echo and the crowd of around 150 fans cheered. Judging by how good the matches were already, she was going to be in for a treat. “This next match is a No Holds Barred match, and it is for the Oahu Heavyweight Championship!”

The opening notes to Raining Blood by Slayer invaded the airwaves, and so did a chorus of boos as a tall, buff, and tattooed man made his way to the ring, adorned in a black cape and crown. He was the current champion. “Making his way to the ring, from the ninth circle of Hell, the King of the Hallowed, VOID!”

“And his challenger,” Body Talks was now beginning to play, “the Unholy Savior Of The Masses, Grayson Del Toro!” The match kicked off with a fever pitch, both participants delivering clobbering blows to each other, like two drunken men at a bar.

Fifty minutes later, and VOID had retained his belt in an absolute masterpiece of a match. But, he still continued to beat down a bloodied Grayson Del Toro. Then, a cloaked figure ran down to the ring, mercilessly attacking VOID with a steel chair shot to the head. The crowd was at a loss for words. They absolutely despised VOID, and were genuinely afraid of him. The fact that someone decided to attack VOID was beyond them. “Could it be Brian?” wondered Echo.

After the referees separated the masked attacker from VOID, he revealed his face to the crowd, who popped so loud that the walls shook. “Ua hoʻi wau.” He dropped the mic. It was none other than Brian.

He walked over to Echo, and invited her into the ring. He gave her a black flower crown and stole VOID’s cape, dressing Echo in it. “I am Brian Kendrick, and this is my queen. Together we will rule this company, and usher in a new age of chaos.” He then placed his lips on Echo, who was quite surprised by the events that were transpiring. What had gotten into Brian? Well, whatever it was turned on Echo, impressed by this dark side.

[invertedeidolon]

The Longest Library #5: The Crying Sisters by Mabel Seely

(This is a series in which I attempt to read and review all (or most of) my library of 297 books.)

Rundown: A librarian wishes for a little more excitement in her life and IMMEDIATELY regrets it. Goes to a resort with a stranger, hired to look after his kid. His kid is cute but he may or may not be a fucking literal murderer?? We don’t know!! 4/5, good suspense, great pacing, a steady read that won’t make you obsessively read for three days straight, but it will definitely overtake your lunch breaks.

This entry took me a little longer, not because it was a bad book, but because for roughly two or so weeks I got caught up in mental health shite and had to re-tweak my schedule YET AGAIN and force a half hour of reading in the mornings to make sure I actually had time to read. This book was wonderful.

I think this book marks the first actually good mystery I’ve ever read. Considering I never read mysteries, and the first one I read was catballs mcgee over here. There are some reviews that seem to be bothered by the authors occasional tendency to mention something and then go “I had no idea that would be so important at the time”. Personally, I loved it. It put me in a further state of suspense, and it had me attempting to put more things together. There’s not enough info to pin one person down, and the really obvious choice is a REALLY obvious choice, and the main heroine constantly agonizes over it, so you know the book wouldn’t do THAT, but still... what if? The very last resort my mind ended up going to in a lazy scooby doo kind of way ended up being right, but the intricacies of their place in the whole plot was still a surprise.

No, the super conservative prude witch lady had absolutely nothing to do with any of it, she was just unpleasant.

A really cool thing about this book, at least the copy that I have, is that it’s a reprint from 1944, during the war. There’s a little note in the front about book cloth shortage because of war-time rationing (you can see it in my instagram post here). So instead it was bound in a ‘sturdy paper fabric’ instead. That, plus the aging of the paper, give it a really smooth and airy feel, for a book. I love holding this thing.

Okay, onto quotes.

We already start off strong with the writer’s description of oppressive summer heat:

“In the afternoon I was a cooking waffle between two irons, the steely paving and the chromium sky; heat from below pressed up and heat from above pressed down until the juice oozed out of my bones and each eye was a separate furnace”

Hot damn that’s a HOT day.

“My imagination worked overtime a bit, but the last thing I would ever have thought was that that revolver would come into my possession”

There’s that hinting that people were talking about. But it wasn’t useless or meandering. This line appears on page seven and become EXTREMELY pertinent by the end of the story. I don’t mind hinting if it isn’t useless without giving too much away. We have no idea about the circumstances of how she gets the gun, but all we know is that she gets it, and that’s just a tiny bit exciting already. The author putting a little foreshadowing in front of us directly didn’t bother me because not only was it immediately relevant (usually within a chapter or so), but also relevant in an even more significant way by the end of the book.

“...if Cottie calls me mamma, then anyone who hears him will think I’m your wife.” “I won’t.” It was cold enough to douse me the rest of the way back to sanity. “I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind. I‘m not going.” His answer came with the tired reasonableness of a construction boss rebuking a steel riveter who complains he is afraid of high places. “Aw, quit being a sissy pants.” Sissy pants! Before I could recover he had elbowed me aside, and was inside my car.”

What the FUCK. What a little shit! Holy fuck! This man makes me feel offended and incredulous like an amish spinster looking at capri pants! Like what the fuck!!!!

“I can see, now, how expertly he handled me, how exactly he conveyed the right amount of disinterest in me, how he goaded me into staying.”

This man is a fucking EXPERT at manipulating the heroine. Your own mind sort of starts to soften to him the further you read, because like the heroine, in the beginning there’s no reason to like or tolerate the man, but as you go on, it becomes a necessary evil if you want to figure out what the FUCK is going on. I also started to get just as curious as to who he really was and what business he had at the resort. (by the end of the book I came to understand it’s a lot like how Kain had to handle Raziel: You can’t reveal too much or you risk your plans going astray, but for fuck’s sake Kain, you could be way less of an ass about it, you know?)

“Whatever had been done in the resort tonight, for whatever reason a woman had screamed, he was staying. The cot creaked lengthily as he lay down. I tried, with an effect of pressing a lid down on a kettle that bubbled and boiled over, to suppress my expectant terror.”

Damn that’s a good description of that feeling. I used to get that way when I heard stuff at night and my (at the time) untreated, panic prone brain immediately went “IT’S A CRIMINAL, A MURDERER, A CRIMURDERER, YOU MOVE AND YOU DIE”

“Mrs. Clapshaw carried herself like a small dragoon and had a nose like a thin white claw. I thought she’d be the acid test. “A scream?” She repeated rapidly, reaching upward with the nose. “Mrs. Corbett, I’m so glad you heard it. It’s the Reds. I’ve told Mr. Loxton here. There are un-American activities going on at that Flaming Door. Nazis.” She bit at her decisive words as they went past her teeth.”

Oh my god. Thankfully we don’t really deal with this lady for long, but holy fuck. The heroine wisely doesn’t spend any more time with her on purpose.

“You can decide to treat me like a person or I leave. I don’t like being pushed over or taunted or overruled or spoken to contemptuously. I can leave here today. It’s my car.” “Sure. Why don’t you?” Why is it that being invited to make good on a threat makes you want to change your mind? As usual when I’m pushed over the edge of anger, I couldn’t find words, and stood sputtering.”

The thing about Steve (this asshole’s name is Steve) is that he doesn’t force her to stay. He makes it quite clear in his smug little way that she always had the choice to leave at literally any time, and many times gives her orders knowing full well she can very well disobey them (and she does at times). She has a gun. Why doesn’t she shoot him? Go to the sheriff? But just. God. The man is infuriating and uncomfortably manipulative, but when immersed in the book, it becomes something mildly amusing, although the real world implications and usage of this kind of manipulation are sobering. The curiosity overrode everything else.

“I didn’t know how difficult it was going to be to keep out of Mr. Sprung’s way, or for what a long section of the chain he was going to be responsible.”

Another hint. The heroine frequently refers to the thread of the mystery as a chain (i.e: Chain of events), and it’s used fairly frequently through the book, sometimes in creative ways. There’s a moment where she realizes she’s reached the point of no return, that she’s in too deep, and goes on to describe how she can feel the chain whipping around her and binding her.

“Something would come of this night business now. I had in an instant a hundred blinding expectations -- a shot through the door, harsh angry voices calling to open, Steve Corbett rushing to attack the source of the light, men tramping in to say he was caught. My internal arrangements drew out into a rope and then tied themselves into one tight knot as I sat there with all animation suspended.”

Night noises be like that though. Man, these descriptions of the heroine’s internal reactions to things have been excellent!

“I’d heard that thin, high tone before. I’d heard it walking along a country road with telephone wires over my head and a wind in the wires. It was eerie in the wires. It was deadly in the man’s voice.”

“The boy was the man’s son, and the man loved him almost with agony. Yet last night he had walked out of the cottage into some circumstance he thought might be so dangerous he might never come back.”

“Suddenly I was shaking again, clutching Steve Corbett’s arm. He wasn’t shaking, but the muscles hardened as my fingers grasped; it was like touching a sleeve holding a warm marble arm. Had this been the arm I fought against last night?”

“The eyes above me had the same blue-metal gleam as the revolver’s mouth.”

The author does a fantastic job of making Steve Corbett seem like a very threatening potential murderer, nearly everything around him is foggy, suspicious, and mildly threatening in it’s implications, and yet there’s never enough solid evidence to truly pin anything on him. Both myself and the heroine could only stand by and watch further with a distinct sense of unease as everything unfolded both too quickly and not quickly enough.

“If tampering with the truth was illegal, the sheriff was a bit unlawful himself. “She couldn’t see, it was black as pitch,” Niddie denied weakly. “So there was something to see!” Niddie wasn’t the stuff of Hoxie Moebbels; once the sheriff had an opening wedge he weakened quickly.”

I like the sheriff a lot.

“I had hardly heard her. The corner of my eye had caught the stubby white patent-leather sandals on her feet. Caught between the heel and the instep of one sandal was a dry scrap of plantain leaf.”

So, something that annoyed me a little bit in the last mystery, was that the glimpses of suspicion raising evidence sometimes didn’t mean anything. They’re were just like ‘ooooo, suspicious!!!! It MEANS something!!!’. Here the narrator (our heroine) seems way more credible, relatable, and the events preceding it turns this into a massive clue. AND it’s later actually relevant, and NOT evidence of the heroine being (understandably) paranoid!

“If ever there was an evil-eyed harridan, I thought, she was it. I wondered what had built the immense familiarity with the worst impulses of men, that lay in her eyes, the thickness of her slow, significant voice, the turn of her hands, the slide of her thick hips.”

Another good description of yet another extremely suspicious person.

“We called hello in return, Carol prinking and smiling.”

Autocorrect can’t tell me that’s not a word.

prink /priNGk/ verb spend time making minor adjustments to one's appearance; primp. "prinking themselves in front of the mirror"

Ah, so nowadays we would more readily recognize ‘primping’ as opposed to this one. Nice! I learned a new word!

“In a white rayon bathing suit her figure was as plushly luscious as an overstuffed pink satin davenport.”

So she’s cute chubby! Nice! I assume this is roughly the era or coming from a writer from an era that was just on the edge of where being ‘too skinny’ was a REALLY bad thing.

“Look, Janet.” It was the first time he’d used my name.”

213 pages in. What a piece of work.

“Wasn’t it too bad I couldn’t be placated by an ice-cream cone, I thought grimly, as I went to obey orders.”

Me too, Janet. Me too.

“This was the sheriff to whom I held with the emotion portrayed by the girl in the old oleograph of the storm swept cross.”

If anybody knows what painting this is, that would be fantastic. I can only barely imagine it based on context, but that’s about it.

The quotes and the commentary are more sparse here at the end because I don’t want to give too much away. 

This was a book that I genuinely enjoyed, and I could easily recommend it for some casual but still absorbing reading. They still print this book in paperback now, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find, it’s just me that has the old as balls copy. 

Good shit!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #258

“as above, so below, what you reap is what you sow. what you give comes back threefold, as above, so below.”

Who was your favorite cartoon character when you were a kid? Pikachu! Have you ever asked a guy out on a date? No. Who do you consider your best friend in your workplace? N/A Do you have to have your bed or anything else in your room a specific way before you go to sleep? I think I almost always have to be facing the left, but I can't really say with total certainty considering you don't really like... *realize* when you fall asleep. Have you changed your mind about anything lately? I've been on the fence about things. What do you dream about most? What is the general tone or mood of your dreams? They're either uncomfortable, melancholic run-ins with Jason or horrible nightmares about being attacked in some way and being incapable of fighting back. Do you mind going grocery shopping or is it something you enjoy? Does ANYBODY enjoy it?? If you could have a physical feature like wings, horns, a tail, ect., what would you have? GIVE ME RAM HORNS. What is something you wish more people understood about who you are as a person? A lot of my struggling goes on in my head. Like I think I'm relatively open about when I'm having a hard time, but it's come to my attention recently that there's a lot of battles people don't see and leads to the belief I give up easily. Have you ever gone through a time when you had no friends? How did you deal with it? No friends I ever hung out with or anything, yes. I just had to start reaching out and opening up a bit more, and that's when Colleen came in. What is your favorite food to have as a snack? It depends on what flavor I'm craving. Usually though, something sour and gummy. What time do you usually eat dinner? That can vary from as early as 5:30 to as late as like, 8:00. When was the last time you felt extremely happy? Like about a week ago, the second night Mom slept on the pull-out bed a family friend got us versus that damn couch she's slept on for years. Her doing it a second time was like, verification that she was more comfortable and would keep doing it, which she has. Has any food ever made you sick to the point where you’d be afraid to try it again? No, thankfully. What is something you wish you had the opportunity to do more often? Get out of the house. Do you have any interests or hobbies you thought you would outgrow, but haven’t? I wasn't sure if I would ever "outgrow" RP. Apparently I won't. Is there an outfit that you wear much more frequently than any other? There are a few shirts, yeah. How old is your television? We got it when my parents were still together, so it's old. Do you have a laptop or desktop? A laptop. Do you own any television series box sets? Just Meerkat Manor. Have you ever been in a fight with your best friend? Yeah. Was the last movie you watched a horror film? No. Where is your favorite place to go when you’re depressed? On a car ride where I can blast my music. In high school, were you in trouble a lot? No. I only ever got in trouble for too many tardies in the morning. Do you enjoy your hairstyle? Yeah. Do you have weak upper body strength? Yikes yes. Do you think hugs are awkward? Not if they're friends or similar. People I don't like and/or know well but am expected to hug anyway, yes, it's uncomfortable. Story of my life with my sister's in-laws. Do you think facial hair is gross? ... No...? I mean sure, if it's not groomed it can be, but it's very natural and normal? Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color? UGH I want to. My hair has such a hard time holding color... Has anyone ever been weirdly obsessed with you? No. What is your favorite band of all time? Ozzy Osbourne. Always. Would you consider getting a tattoo any time soon? Literally ASAP. I was supposed to get my Mark one tidied up big big time for my birthday by a really professional artist with both holiday and birthday money, but Mom literally had to use it to keep this house and the car. It was admittedly frustrating, but I could tell she was far from happy about it and I can't *rightfully* be pissy about it. Then the cancer came along and threw a massive wrench in the plan, so now idk when that's happening now. What movie did you last watch with someone? I THINK it was the live action The Lion King with Dad. It's been a long time. Are you afraid of airplane rides? Not very actively, no. I acknowledge the risk, but it's not something I deeply worry about. If you’re reading a book, what page are you currently on? Don't have a book to read currently; I just finished the second Wings of Fire book, now I'm moving onto The Testaments by Margaret Atwood when we can order it over Amazon. Do you have a job you like? I don't have a job period. Have you ever lived with a roommate before? Yeah. How many scarves do you own, if any at all? Maybe one? If even that. Did you tell your last girlfriend/boyfriend that you love them? Yeah. What was the last thing your parents got mad at you for? Idk about Dad, but Mom... probably something I said? But I'm not sure. Do your pets have favorites? I'm the only one who handles Venus, and I'm Roman's favorite. How many people could sleep comfortably in the room you’re in? Just two if we share the bed. Would you like to have a treadmill in your house? I DESPERATELY want one. My legs are getting bad again now that I haven't physically been in school for what, a month? What’s the longest you’ve ever liked someone without telling them? Well, that would be Girt, but I went on-and-off with like-liking him for years... Since freshman year, really. It's hard to say because of my mind constantly changing. When is the last time you were on a swingset? Wow, no clue. At sleepovers, do you usually sleep on a bed, couch or floor? I haven't had one of those in too long of a time to really tell you. It would depend on the relationship, too. What’s the sweetest thing a gf/bf can do to get you to forgive them? Changed behavior. How hot does the temperature get in the summer where you live? High 90s/lower 100s. Was the last hoodie you wore too big for you? No. Did it belong to someone else? No. Have you ever taken Ambien to fall asleep? I was given it at the hospital, but it never did much for me. Did your last ex try to get back together with you after the break-up? No. Do you know someone who has 6 or more siblings? Possibly, but I don't think so. Do you rent movies frequently? Nope. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Take pictures. Will we ultimately end up destroying our own race? Yup. How do you think the world will end? Human life, climate change. Earth itself, probably like a meteor or black hole or something. I believe the universe itself will always exist. An alien ship lands at your house, and they want you. Do you go with them? Errrr no. If I even had the option. What’s your favorite meal to cook? I don't cook. Homework: Do you actually READ the chapters, or just skim through them? I read. I'd be too nervous about missing vital info to skim. If you were in a horror flick, would you be one of the first ones to die? Probably, but it depends on the predicament, I guess? What movie has been taken WAY too far, as far as sequels go? I don't know. I'm not a film buff. Do you refuse to eat certain foods because of what they look like? Yep. Green olives, for example, look so fuckin gross to me. Would you ever become a fan of a team you hate to please your spouse? No? Can you handle scary movies? I love scary movies. I enjoy the adrenaline of 'em. How often do you get a new purse…and for guys a new wallet? Not often at all. What is the most money that you have ever spent on getting your nails done? Never done that. Do you have a fake I.D.? Nope. Would you date someone 5 years older than you? Yeah. Have you ever been fingered? Yes. What is your favorite horror movie? Hmmm. I've got a bias towards Silent Hill, of course, but I also really enjoy both The Blair Witch Project movies, as well as The Crazies. Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yeah. What’s your favorite kind of float? (coke, root beer) I can't remember the last time I had one of those. If you heard your best friend’s significant other was cheating on them, would you tell them? Even if you couldn’t prove it? UM yes. I mean it kinda depends on who told me this, like it could be total bullshit, but, they'd deserve to know that there was a possibility. If you discovered you were pregnant at this point in time, would you keep it or abort it? Why? If I got pregnant now, it'd have to be a case of rape, in which case I would probably abort, considering I'd be fucking traumatized worse than I already was. What is the last thing you googled? Uhhh shit. I think the definition for a word to ensure I was using it correctly? Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Nooo. I always wanted to as a kid, but I was ultimately too scared. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Hot, usually. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yes. Where did your mother and father meet for the first time? I think work. Have you ever stayed in a cheap motel? No. I'm too much of a germaphobe for that. Have you been to Mount Rushmore? No. Do you sleep with the door open, kinda open, or completely closed? Open or kinda open, depending on if the cat moves it or not. How old were you when you got chicken pox? Never got it. What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual. Do you have full or thinner lips? Uh idk, they look pretty normal to me. Which of the Pirates of the Caribbean's was your favorite? Never watched 'em. Do you press the delete key or the backspace key to get rid of a mistake? Backspace. How far do you live from your parents? I live with one. How many family photos do you have in your home? Like, on display/the walls? A pretty decent amount. Are you happy with how much money you make? I make none, so like... guess. Are you the type of person that will parallel park? Fuck that. To you, what is “the best thing since sliced bread”? Probably the Internet. Do you read and believe your horoscope? No. Do you have rules for naming your future children? I'm not having kids, but if I was to, no. Which actor, in your opinion, played the best Batman? I haven't seen them all. Have you ever TURNED DOWN an invite to a wedding? Why? No. Do you believe people should get married in a church? lol get married wherever the fuck you want. Name a movie everyone else thought was funny, but you couldn’t stand: *shrugs* Does the mall you go to have an arcade? Do you go in there? No. What is your favorite Little Debbie snack? This is ACTUALLY impossible. Don't ask me this question lmao. Got any interesting wigs? I don't have any wigs. What Mario game was your least favorite, and why? I've literally only ever played Mario Kart. I'm not that interested in the games. Have you ever been snowed in? Not to where like, we couldn't go outside. Does playing games in 2-D bother you because you now play mostly 3-D games? Oh no. Graphics absolutely do not make a game. Sure, they're more desirable considering it greatly improves immersion, but still. Sometimes 2D fits the "vibe" of the game. Tell the weirdest name of a town/city you’ve ever heard: Conetoe. You're pronouncing it wrong. Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have a cell phone? I don't think so. Do you like pineapple? Oh yeah. Do you get a flu jab each year? No, but I should start. Did you ever dream about being an animal? Maybe? Idk. What's your favourite colour on a dog? Orange/red. Do you have an electric or gas cooker? Gas. What do you like to drink at a restaurant? I usually get a soda. If we're at some fancy place for once, I'll usually get some light, fruity alcohol. What was the last book you read that also is a film? I don't have a clue. Have you always known what you've wanted to do with your life, career-wise? It's changed many, many times now. Would you stay at a haunted hotel? Hell yeah. What is the best HAND-MADE present you've ever received? It was this long, extremely sweet letter my mom wrote for my b-day two years back. It meant a lot to me. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to your house that you didn't order? I don't believe so. Do you follow a 5-second rule after dropping food on the floor? NOOOOOOOOO sir. Did you take Flintstone vitamins or any others as a child? EW, no. We were lucky enough to have fruity chewy ones, not chalky crap. What types of things do you think the government is hiding from us? Oh my fucking god, a universe of information. Aliens probably being one of the least scary things. How do you like your soda: I think it tastes best cold from a can. Have you learned anything valuable today? No. What's your favorite kind of Doritos? Cool Ranch. Do your parents have MySpace pages? Mom has a Facebook. Be honest...ever peed in the pool? Noooo. When I was a kid, you went behind the pool and handled that. Have you ever pulled a fire alarm? Nope. Have you had your tonsils removed? No. Isn't Chef Boyardee awesome? Not a fan. What reality show has been taken WAY too far? I don't watch enough TV for this. Must you grab a souvenir from almost everywhere you go? Nah, not always. Did you enjoy making things out of Play-Doh as a child? I did. What do you put on hot dogs? Mustard and ketchup. Can you swim? Yeah. Hot dogs or cheeseburgers? Cheeseburgers. Your favorite hobby? Taking pictures, particularly of animals. Do you wear glasses? Yes. Do you have a phobia? Plenty. Can you drive a stick? Never tried. How many TVs are in your house? Two. Do you like to sing? Not very long. Favorite car? Idc. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? Perhaps, but I'm not certain. Maybe some smell. WELL WAIT, gasoline can give me a real headache, but I don't feel like, REALLY sick. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? Yes, and I don't want to choose between them. When was the last time you wrote so much your finger ached? My final exam for Writing last semester. What is something you think about yourself that nobody agrees with? Quite honestly, I wouldn't put extreme emphasis on my loyalty, but only because if you prove to me that you're undeserving of my friendship, trust, or anything like that, peace. I'm out. Family, friend, whatever; I don't care. Yet most people who know me have pointed out I'm extremely loyal, but really in all cases I can think of, I remained loyal because the person was worthy of it. What about something people think of you that you don’t agree with? This depends on the person and situation of course, but mostly, that I put on a damn good front of not being a socially anxious mess. Teachers and friends have pointed that out quite a bit, but I could NOT disagree more. I think I do awfully. What design is on your calendar this year? I don't have a current one. What is your favorite type of video game? Horror. What’s the weather like where you live? (All year round, not today) The baseline is IT'S HOT. Even our winters are - usually - very mild. Summer usually soaks the shit out of us; afternoon storms are literally an almost daily occurrence, so as you can imagine, the humidity could kill a man. The weather in general is very unpredictable year-round. When was the last time you climbed a tree? I've never actually properly done so. I grew up with almost exclusively pine trees, which only have branches much too high to climb.

[mcribel]

( ella purnell + 18 + muse 05 ) isn’t that maribel sawyer over there? i heard SHE joined faction one after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip to do something kind. hopefully they fit in there – they’re TENDERHEARTED, but also BIDDABLE. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine. ( james, she/they, 20, EST )

hello it’s me again !! i have really bad uuuhhhh self control so i brought in this sweetie !!

TW: PAST EATING DISORDER (MENTIONS ONLY), MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

a e s t h e t i c s

handwritten letters and ink-stained hands, vintage magnifying glasses and worn oxfords, knee-high socks and scraped knees, ribbons in hair and turtlenecks underneath dresses, dried flowers and locked up diaries, suede skirts and oversized cardigans, hot tea and cold coffee, flinching at loud noises, loud voices, record scratches and stumbles, stuttering words and beet-red faces, bitten nails and awkward stances, blankets laid out in the sun and the smell of newspapers.

general info !!

full name: maribel ottoline sawyer

nickname(s): mari, bell, lottie b/c middle name, etc. etc. just sawyer sometimes idk

b.o.d. - june 1st, 18 yrs old

label(s): the marionette, the demure, the obsequious, the allegiant, etc.

height: like 5′3″

hometown: duluth, minnesota

sexuality: ??? ??? ?????

stats TBD but her pinterest is HERE !

biography !!

born the middle child to a man in the air force and a woman whose passions laid among writing diet cookbooks and recording cooking DVDs, maribel was never anything extraordinary.

after all, her elder sister had a voice made for broadway, and her younger brother was writing sonnets before he’d hit middle school. and maribel was just maribel, another girl with middle child syndrome

her household was typical, conservative all-american, strict no matter where they moved. curfew before 9pm and family dinner every sunday, mandatory; better not miss out on those vegetables or you’ll be sitting there for hours. grounded for grades below their expected. the usual.

there wasn’t anything particularly interesting in her life for the longest time. she was just another shy girl who moved to school to school, quiet and seated in the very back of class, as if that’d allow her the coverage to remain unseen.

she couldn’t color in the lines, or follow the lines, or draw a straight line, the kind of gal who opened her mouth at the wrong time, whose voice got washed away by another’s interrupting. she got picked on at most schools, due to her size and her stumbling words, and she’d let it happen for the most part. always the wannabe, trying to be who she wasn’t.

it hadn’t helped that her mother was some sort of ... health food guru, a woman obsessed with image and the epitome of health - her practices were often forced upon maribel, especially, beginning in a long, difficult relationship with food.

by the time she was a freshmen in high school, her parents had divorced and, for a brief moment, mari thought she could finally settle down somewhere and become a normal teenager. this was until, of course, her mother enrolled her in a boarding school in nevada.

with her sister graduated and her brother still in middle school, mari was left alone in a strange school; the only constant being the cliques that surrounded herself and the money they waved around, as if it were nothing.

the only time she was ever really approached was because of her knack with forgery, a talent picked up after hours of mimicking others’ handwriting, an attempt to change every single part of her into someone likable.

often stayed in the computer labs during lunch and free periods, firstly because she’d never been allowed to have a computer at home (rots yr brain!) and secondly because she’d gotten into programming, and it was something she could actually ... see herself doing, potentially.

was alone in this until her sophomore year, when the next new kid found their way into the computer lab; the loser zone, the land of outcasts. this individual, despite their quirks and oddities, became maribel’s first genuine friend. they were a little too into conspiracies and mysteries, but that was alright.

soon enough, it started to rub off onto maribel, as well, who’d always been observant but not the kind of gal to put it to use. they became a tiny pair of investigators, p.i.’s without the certification, investigating petty school drama that was usually written on the inside of a bathroom stall.

essentially a less impressive nancy drew / scooby doo gang / veronica mars duo.

surprisingly ! beginning junior year, maribel got involved with the weed and underaged drinking and whatnot b/c her like, very best friend was doing it and she wanted to be...impressive, i guess?

so then they became stoner detectives. about halfway thru their junior year is when things got uuhh ... complicated.

one night they were just, y’know, getting high and other typical teenager things. and then someone started talking about aliens, and then area 51, and then they both became increasingly aware that they were living in nevada and Not Too Far from the airbase.

long story short, they attempted to break into area 51. they got caught, got charged with trespassing and had to be bailed out of county jail, maribel’s dad almost lost his job, and her best friend disappeared without a trace almost immediately afterwards. spooky shit !

this is when her mother packed up and moved them to west ham, kansas ! it was for a ~fresh start~ but really was just a way to keep her eye on maribel.

i mean, god, for the rest of her junior year maribel was miserable. she was a student at west ham high but like ... god, she hardly spoke to anyone. drug tested every week, essentially on some sort of form of house arrest.

wasn’t really allowed to get a job during this either ! so she made money by anonymously creating and selling fake I.D.’s b/c like ... yolo, y’know? why not?

her mental health deteriorated during this and by the summer before her senior year she was getting help for an eating disorder. she was essentially gone the entire summer, but like ... doubt anybody noticed tbh !

by the time senior year rolled around, maribel was in a better place and was like ... determined not to fall into a bad headspace again. her anxiety’s still pretty strong but ! she’s trying !

uuh started working for the school newspaper as a help column under a fake name b/c ! this was her way of branching out and getting to know students w/o actually doing it lmao.

took a few of her classes online so she could leave school earlier, just b/c it was a major source of anxiety for her and like ... she couldn’t eat alone in the bathroom again. her mom was a little less ... restrictive, so maribel got a job.

or well ... she got a lot of jobs. maribel, being maribel, can hardly keep a job b/c she usually ends up fucking up real badly in an almost comical manner and getting fired.

on the otherhand, she had earned herself a partial scholarship and was debating over majoring in computer science or investigative journalism (her parents were very disapproving of her doing computer science, however, so she was likely to be forced into journalism) ... until the trip.

she went as a simple act of kindness, y’know, to give back to the community that she hardly knew.

and now here we are !! joining faction one b/c she knows of everybody there and they’re all her age and like ... she can’t be on her own or she’d actually die lmao so !

personality !!

god ... she’s awkward. like just, straight up awkward. she’s real bad at talking to others.

always tripping and stumbling over her words, and occasionally her own two feet. she’s constantly jittery and just like ... fidgety b/c she’s usually nervous. touch her hand. it’s shaking. why? she doesn’t know !

however maribel is like ... very very very nice. tries really hard to be kind to everybody and tries really hard 2 be a good pal to whoever makes their way into her life.

sorta kinda like ... adjusts her personality 2 match whoever she’s talking to b/c she wants to be likable. oh, you smoke marlboros? me too ! proceeds to cough a lung after inhaling one (1) cigarette. that sort of shit.

used to smoke a lot of weed but ! didn’t really do it that much in recent months. might increase now that her mom isn’t around but you never know. uuhh the rare times that she does drink it’s like ... a complete flip in her personality. becomes ms. extrovert, a flirt of flirts. but that’s very rare.

very hesitant with befriending people even tho she ! desperately wants friends ! she’s just a little untrusting ... a little worrisome ... believes she’s cursed to be a friendless loser for the rest of her life. so she’s definitely like .. a try hard too.

i mean like i don’t think ‘no’ is in her vocabulary ! she’ll do anything if u ask and like .. sound like u really want it. really just is seeking approval whenever possible.

squeaks like a mouse :/

rambles ! when she’s nervous ! and apologizes a lot.

she’s just like ... insecure and doesn’t expect anybody 2 remember her from anything jskdfg

easily bends to other’s will, easily manipulative / easy 2 step on / etc. etc.

she does smile and like ... laughs a lot tho ! b/c she tries rly hard to come off as like happy and optimistic and like ... not having deep-rooted issues with herself. 

she’s a good kid, just a lil plain jane. can’t talk for shit but has given good written advice b4. is good w/ math n numbers but not much anything else.

she is really observant !! doesn’t rly use it to her advantage tho :/ she just makes mental notes ... writes shit in her diary b/c she 100% keeps n writes in her diary daily. 

sort of lies abt herself too ! like it’s nothing serious but like ... she doesn’t rly want others to know how lame she is sdifkg

can be ... ditzy , lacking common sense, a little naive ... just wants everything to be okay :(

loves vintage stuff ! owns p much only vintage stuff ! also listens 2 like ... records exclusively like the dork she is. like soft indie pop and other shit.

has probably cried 2 mitski but like ... who hasn’t :/

literally only turned 18 like ... a few days ago ... she’s baby ...

wanted connections !!

god okay ... so like obv i would like some friends for her ... varying degrees of closeness.

idk somebody she has crushed on before / is crushing on currently .. but like, from afar, like she’d never talk to them but she can look !! and dream !! and write their names together in her diary

somebody use her b/c she’s so naive n like ... usable. idk what for but ! anything ! get her to steal shit ! get her to wreck shit or to lie for you or whatever !

like ... fake friends ... ppl who’ll throw her away once her purpose is done

alternately !! something pure n wholesome.

ALTERNATELY srsly though. wreck her shit. convince her you care for her n then betray her !!

conspiracy pals ... for the rare times she gets high ...

someone she flirted with once while drunk at like a party and now she’s embarrassed and avoids them :/

an ex-tutor b/c ... don’t think school’s in session anymore ...

ppl who genuinely want the best for her and like ... care for her as a living person.

someone who just cant stand ! that she’s so weak minded and malleable ! and rather than use her they just ... clash with her. cause arguments even tho maribel doesn’t rly... do that.

like someone just yell at her sdikfg

someone has to get her out of a sticky situation and they’re like ... Annoyed. might not wanna admit it but ! and she just feels bad

ppl who she’s definitely given a fake I.D. to

ppl who literally forgot she existed dkfmghg

someone for her to follow around like a lil puppy and sidekick !! b/c she doesn’t have a single independent thought !! someone she’s just rly trying to impress

someone found her diary and oh no ! it’s embarrassing !

c o r r u p t  h e r. idk how ! seduce her ! make her look at the world differently ! ruin her ! DESTROY HER !

literally ... anything ...pleathe ... i’ll give u a penny. 

[thegoodceai]

Y’all I found this amazing aesthetic builder from @lavellanpls so of course I had to like... procrastinate everything and do this for my Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery siblings cause I’ve been low key obsessed with the game ever since it came out and I’m getting tired of always waiting for updates so yeah.

Some more info on my Ravenclaw sibs under the cut. Also hmu if y’all play this so at least we can complain about it together!!

I have a lot to tell u lot about these little shits so buckle up, but first some family history:

their mother is a Greengrass who married an american muggle, no less, and half the family loves him while the other half definitely hates him

her name’s Angelica, and she has a twin sister named Magnolia (plants names are big in the family, hence Nat’s and Jay’s middle names - they both hate them, and their aunt refused to respond to anything but Maggy since before she went to Hogwarts)

Maggy is an auror and was a Gryffindor to her twin sis’s Slytherin

Angelica decided to offer a big fuck you to all the pureblood expectations everyone had of her and went to become a well known international herbologist

that’s how she met David Foxglove in America - he came to pick up his little sister from a wizarding event that Ange was a speaker at and sparks flew (David and his older brother, Marcus, are both muggles, while their two younger sisters, Joanna and Elisabeth, are both witches)

they dated a couple of years while Angelica was making waves in the herbology community and David was getting his masters in mechanics, and then got married and moved to the UK permanently

anyway the war caught up to them and it was very sad and they constantly lived with the fear that someone will come after their children, but alas they all survived only for Jacob to fuck things up

Anyway so, Jacob:

is 7 and a half years older than Natalia

went ahead and got expelled from Hogwarts in February of his 7th year (good job bud u couldn’t hold on for like a few more months huh?)

only has two settings: not interested and utterly obsessed (which is why he ended up where ever he is now)

intelligent and resourceful, but has absolutely no idea how to explain what he’s thinking to people

introverted, never bothered to approach people first, but if he finds you’re worth his time he’s immediately ride and/or die

being sorted into Ravenclaw meant a lot to him because he always felt like he wasn’t as smart as his parents when it came to both muggle and wizarding stuff

got into a duel once because he stood up for a younger student, and punched his adversary in the face in the middle of it (unbeknownst to him, his sister pulled the same move too in her Hogwarts years)

loves his little sister fiercely, and sneakily taught her as much about Hogwarts as he could without their mum finding out

during the war, when there were long periods of silence from his parents, he always felt the safest in the Hogwarts library - something about the place always made him feel welcome and not alone

seems mild-mannered, even shy, but the moment he starts talking about something that interests him he becomes unstoppable

case in point - he had a 4 days long argument with his fellow prefect in 5th year about a specific method of transfiguration (they were both wrong, as professor McGonagall pointed out)

he can successfully cast a corporeal patronus (a gray wolf) - his happiest memory is of the Christmas after the war was officially over, when he got home and saw his little sister again (Natalia later uses the same memory for her maned wolf patronus - it was the last time she saw her brother happy, and not consumed with the cursed vaults)

saw his aunt Elisabeth wear a beanie once and fell in love with them; owns at least 20 of them, wears them with any opportunity, and even learned a spell to transfigure them from almost any fabric

absolutely loves spring and warm weather, but will wear thick sweaters at any give time and will charm them to keep cool so he doesn’t die of heatstroke when there are 25 degrees outside and he’s wearing wool

introduced his sister to american comic books and literature

has an owl named Albert Thomas Curie, because he loves to torment his father and his love of science

calls his little sister Natty, knows she absolutely hates it, yet won’t stop

Natalia:

hates when her brother calls her Natty, ends up calling him JayJay - they were at an impasse at the moment of Jacob’s disappearance when both of them hated their nicknames yet none were willing to back down

both her and her brother pretend their middle names do not exist - their mother loved to torment them both by calling them by their full names when calling them to dinner

 if she gets good feelings about someone, she is also immediately ride and/or die (case in point: everything she does for her friends ever)

hates condescending people more than anything, along with bullies

absolutely adores Rowan, would kill and get killed for her (she sneaked into the library once at 1 am because Rowan was researching something and the common room library didn’t have the book she needed; got detention for 3 days for being caught out past curfew but managed to get the book to her best friend)

loves all of her friends fiercely, and always tries her best to encourage them to become better versions of themselves

also loves that she managed to befriend such interesting people and is always down to do whatever makes her friends happy as long as she’s with them

hates the fact that she had to involve them with the cursed vaults, does her very best to keep them out of trouble, and is always trying to make up for it

ever since she got detention in the kitchens all her friends got used to her appearing at random times with muffins or cupcakes or small sweets for them

low key hates flying, cause she’s terrified of heights, but is actually decent on a broom

likes quidditch well enough, but doesn’t see the appeal in playing it

has a good memory, and is plenty smart, just doesn’t bother studying stuff that doesn’t interest her (tries, though)

when she became an animagus at 14, Rowan laughed for a good five minutes when she saw the maned wolf form Natalia took - her best friend kept saying that the long legs were because she was always running to or from trouble

loves winter, and loves to ice skate

loves Hogwarts and considers it a second home, she’s more happy here than in any of the places she lived until she got her letter

was almost a hatstall, and if she wouldn’t have thought of her brother, the hat might’ve put her in Slytherin instead

is incredibly good with animals, and will try to pet each and every one of them she encounters, no matter how dangerous

she writes with a quill in class, but everything else is written with either pencils or fountain pens - she managed to charm a set of pens so that she always has one in the pocket of her clothes if she needs it

loves working in their home garage with her father (who owns an auto repair shop) and never really got her mother’s green thumb

is very good with the practical application of magic, but struggles to grasp the theory - she works best if she doesn’t have to think too much about it, which works in charms and transfiguration, but homework always evades her and often times Rowan ends up explaining stuff to her

has a black cat named Bucky who hates any kinds of dogs or dog-related animals, but doesn’t mind cuddling with Natalia in her animagus form

always carries extra quills and parchment in class because somehow one of her friends always needs it

I’m sure there’s more but this is what i can think about atm, anyways come yell with me about hogwarts mystery and tell me about your ocs and headcanons!!!!