#this is why i dont wanna write a fic abt it LOL

[waywardsalt]

Hi! I hope you’re doing good in life! So it’s spooky season so I have an ask related to that. I don’t know if you play horror video games, watch horror movies/shows, or read horror books, but if you do, I have to ask: What is the most disturbing book, or video game or show/movie that you’ve played/watched/read? In my opinion, there is two types of horror: the ones that scare you, and the ones that traumatize you. If you can think of any book, movie, or game that really kind of fucked you up, I’m curious to know if you feel like answering. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Hey, I’m doing good and I hope you are too!

the answer ended up being really long lol

Woof, this is honestly a pretty hard question, since I can't really name any horror (or otherwise) media that actually left me kind of fucked up for a bit, at least not to the degree where it affected me for a while. I probably haven't been really fucked up by anything since I was a kid, so I'll try and recall what a few things fucked me up back then...

Off the top of my head I know that two different spongebob episodes got me bad, the first being one with that tunnel of love thing (tho tbh i havent seen it in a while so it might still spook me today) and the one where i'm pretty sure for whatever reason squidward gets locked in some small locker and has some kind of fucked up dream, whatever that was. I remember there was an eagle in that one. the eagle terrified me. (i looked them up, and the first episode is titled 'tunnel of glove' and the second is 'squidward in clarinetland'. with how badly that second one got to me, i'm surprised i ended up learning to play the clarinet at all)

other than that, i think the courage the cowardly dog episode 'the house of discontent' got me pretty bad, too, but i think everyone who saw any amount of that series as a kid has at least one episode that got them fucked up.

there's probably a handful of scooby-doo stuff that got to me when i was a kid, but i could not name any specifics (asides from charlie the robot's original episode, christ) because i think i managed to see just about every bit of available scooby media around that time.

nowadays stuff still does kinda fuck me up, but it's usually only for brief bits of time. the most recent example I can think of is cowboy bebop's 20's episode, pierrot le fou, which is honestly some great horror, especially how it uses the show's typical format and flips it on it's head, but i wouldn't necessarily say it got to me because of it being scary, more because of the way the ending disturbed me for a bit. it was the only episode that had me stop afterwards and really look into it for anything other than clarifying a character's gender, lol.

the endings of both neon genesis evangelion and end of evangelion had me shaken, the latter more so than the former, but not really due to horror aspects, though. i did have to take a walk after finishing end of evangelion. i don't really watch horror movies, i just... read the wikipedia plot descriptions of them.

honestly, i think some of the more popular youtube analogue horror series have gotten to me worse (likely due to the fact that they can get a bit more fucked up than, say, a tv show or movie), specifically the walten files (which i did watch) and the mandela catalogue (which i just watched wendigoon's vids on), and those two and mostly because facial distortion is generally just an incredibly effective form of horror imo. a lot of the time (esp with the childhood examples) the way i was 'fucked up' was that id be in be visualizing the stuff that scared me, and both the mandela catalogue and the walten files had me doing that for a bit.

now that i remember it, i was really scared of fnaf when it first came out. i first learned of it second-hand from seeing some other kids looking into it, and the bits and pieces i put together about it really scared me.

honestly, it's usually straight-up disturbing sequences or imagery that gets to me the most, and i know my limits well enough to generally identify and avoid that stuff, which is probably why i don't have too many recent examples. i've got one or two examples of non-horror movies that fucked me up as a kid, but that's mostly because they were wildly inappropriate for someone of my age (at the time) to be witnessing, so that's a different sort of topic.

i mean, i think i generally have a decent tolerance for fucked up stuff in media, anyways, i mean, i enjoy berserk and haven't really been too upset or disturbed by what happens in it (look theres some nasty shit in there im not saying its not that bad) so there's definitionally some kind of line that media needs to cross to really get to me nowadays, or it just needs to be a specific kind of fucked up. books generally don't do that for me so i don't have any book examples. no games, either, though shadow mario and the haunted house segments in super mario 3d world scared me so much that i had to make my mom do the levels for me, and i'm pretty sure scooby doo: first frights scared me a bit when i first played it on ds.

other than that, though, I just think that, in pokemon x, the story that an npc tells you during your first trip to route 14 and then the strange office building encounter with the animation-less hex maniac creeped me out pretty bad.

yeah, it's kind of hard for me to think of anything (recent) that actually really fucked me up or anything. most stuff just scared me, never really fucked me up or figuratively traumatized me in recent years.

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[mosviqu]

cried bc my mum asked if i was upset bc i dont like my drawings bc she heard me ripping out sketchbook pages and throwing them to the bin

[vryptidart]

lets play book 1 again

because i'm trying to work out how to do alternate romance-start pacing for salt/ava given they don't meet until After book 1. i already have a salt/ava save file and ive been playing thru book2 but I Need More Data and staring at the code options isn't quite the same

do love Nat's intro hehe im gonna be screenshotting as many Nat scenes as Ava ones bc i'm gonna be going for Nat friendship route

glare-off commence

rebecca Effortlessly lying (still giggling over Why Are You Wet)

'each one also sounding like a lie' is such a great line bruh

also funny theres an error here i distinctly remember writing Ava as being 6ft tall huh sera better fix that

god she's suuuuch a bitch i love her anyway slams that 'OBVIOUSLY NOT' option. i dont need the stat i am just having my fun with doodoo mortain

naaat i lov u 💖💖💖

oh right i have to pick my routes hmm ok we're goin verda so i can get those yummy N friendship points

hilarious to have written a fic where yeah. actually that was Salt's first impression. Ava standing in the hallway. "I was just checking my phone. by your door." this isnt suspicious at all. now shut up and accept ignorance while i save your life

love the 'half in concealed annoyance' gfhghfh i think if any character understands that loving Ava is agony, Nat does- this is her best friend she has to watch Be Like This ghfhghf

so twagic... boops her on the nose and runs

forgot how quickly both tina and verda are just OKAY SO DETECTIVE WHO ARE YOU MAKING A MOVE ON HINT HINT NUDGE NUDGE theyre like seras little romance shoulder angels thru book1

side note im not gonna screencap the descriptions of janets body but like. murphy why'd you injure her like that. i get you wanted to drain the blood but you werent exactly stopping the new stuff from also draining out hurting her that way. idiot.

lol

makes me wonder how much the past bodies were actually medically investigated- this seems more like genuine surprise. maybe the transfusion was just a New Thing he was trying with Janet, but... idk

oh hm maybe. her arms getting slashed was just to get the vampire blood back out of her after it failed? would he Care about leaving that evidence? HRMMM dammit i wanna write more janet fic ugh

sobs, cries, beats my chest

suuuuch an interesting interaction tbh 🤔🤔🤔 what was N going to say... gibe me the offscreen argument this is in reference to...

already this playthru is helping, bc smth abt this made me figure out how to progress the scene ive been grumbling over this afternoon hehe

alright posting this now bc my computer's bein a lil chuggy

[choccy-milky]

Status update on the dark relic nsfw comic please ma'am 🙏 my family is dying

ITS DONE!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉...well, the DRAWING part is as of yesterday BAHAHA. now im just adding all the dialogue/speech bubbles/sfx, SO ITS DEFINITELY GONNA BE SOON!! DEFS BY THIS WEEKEND!! ive just been very nitpicky on the font which i cant decide on LMAO and im also nitpicky abt other final touches LOL. i didnt wanna show anymore cuz ive already shown so much but HERES THE FINAL SNEAK PEEK

and speaking of fonts, i normally use handwriting by jeremy paz!

oh man its so random, but i either use the name lumi or clora for everything whenever i play rpgs (baldurs gate 3, dragon age, you name it) and clora originated from rune factory 4 LOL. theres a character named 'clorica' and i really liked that name, it sounds so elegant and fantasy ish, so i eventually just shortened it to clora bahaha. now its my go-to. i like how simple it is but it also sounds unique and works in modern AND fantasy settings, imo

my first and ONLY playthrough was as clora! i originally did try to make myself at the start, but i have short brown hair and straight across bangs, and they didnt have a style that felt 'me', so i went with just making a ravenclaw that i liked, and then gave her my go-to name of clora HAHA. and yea, i built up her and sebs relationship in my head as i was playing, especially with all the running around the castle i did. i just liked to imagine her constantly out of breath and flushed and seb just watching like ....🧍girl chill...

AND SPEAKING OF MY DARK RELIC COMIC/SMUT, my biggest advice for writing smut id say is to have a reasoning behind it, i guess? i focus a lot on their headspace/WHY they're fucking at that moment when i write it LOL instead of just the movements/sex for the sake of sex. in your case, the sexual tension leading up to the first time gives you SO much to work with, since you can just be in his head with how much hes looking forward to it, how much hes savouring it, how he's also nervous but enjoying it and trusting the other person, etc. the thoughts are hotter than the actual deed a lot of the times (which is why when clora and seb did it for the first time it ended up being like, 15k words of just foreplay and build up from sebs perspective LMAOO) so yeah id just try to focus on their emotions and desires if you can! and a lot of the times with consent stuff it CAN feel forced, and you dont even really need your characters to talk about that stuff verbally, at least not too much. you can do it in body language, or just something as simple as 'ill stop if you want'. it doesnt have to be a long therapist-like conversation about consent, which CAN tend to sound a little awkward and unrealistic (esp in the heat of the moment), if thats the problem you're having. HOPE I COULD HELP

also i love this for you and for me. YES GO ON AND MAKE A BUNCH OF CLORA CLONES, I COMMAND IT👉👉👉

and last but not least the most important question. honestly i like plain sweets a lot with no icing/filling. im a slut for shortbread cookies and also just plain glazed donuts. and also custard/portugese/egg tarts, which i also forced clora to like in my fic HAHA. IF YOU HAVENT HAD THEM YOU HAVE TO, THEYRE SO GOOD😩😩💖💖

[xkittyxkattzx]

i really like really wanne write a textchat fics With marauders and main focus James and the slytherin skittle LIKE hear me out the Little sunshine griffodor boy a cute potato who Is actualy mentally ill whit the slytherin skittle 💀 i dont know if make thing like mostly platonic or romantic-- its Will start whit James and regulus ofc but i think BOTH, i really wanne make Evan and barty also like get tò know James and not only a regulus/James thing?? like yea also idk if make jegulus and rosekiller or rosestarkillerchaser but idk!! also like i think i wanne make James haveing bdp as a trauma respons to smth BUT CANT TELL WHAT RN

It probabily Will have SOOO MUCHH ANGST like so much bcs im Always sad lol

i also JUST LOVE sunkiller Dynamic so muchh so i Will OFC make barty and James like at the start barty Is like a bit insane tryng tò Scare James away but James Just much Is insanity in a diffrent more sweet and discretely way (YOU CANT TELL ME HOWAGWARTS IS NOT AFRAID OF BARTY BCS THEY ARE)

also JAMES AND PANDORA FRIENDS ?? OMGG LOVE EMM

gonna make a also james and Evan Close ofcc

gonna make Sirius jelous BCS why not hehehe also mybe Sirius unconsciolly mean tò him sometihing!! but still really love and carring whit James Just unconsciolly possessive?? ykk like Sirius being Sirius

gonne make the skittle and marauders on the same year too like the 6.

also not everyting Will be on text yk?? also call and mybe James coming tò the slytherin dorm AND REGULUS LIKE SUPER WORRIED AND AFRAID bcs his Friends are insane and Is a bit bit jealous ?? and he dont what them tò make James cry (James Is gonne make them cry and sobs)

genderfluid pansexual James 🤤/

idk abt the other hc for now

AAAA I WANNA MAKE IT SO BADD Is also a really Easy type of fics to write since school...sigh school.

[lycapicta]

Siffrin Headcanons bc i cant sleep

As soon as bro said nya in my game he was assigned the required paws and tail

Doesn't unsheath claws unless he's not wearing gloves they dont wanna ruin them :((

Hair does become completely white after a while but he was talked into dyeing it two tone style again since it suits him

Idea stolen from a friend, but I very much like the idea of Siffrin being albino would explain why he's covered up most of the time

He does not tan he burns...

You all know who I am: Siffrin definitely purrs

He continues his touch therapy outside of the loops and is pretty good with it! He does still get spooked sometimes when he's not ready

Still struggles quite a bit with asking for affection or attention (its easier for him to ask for it from Isabeau)

Cried the first time they ate something outside of the loops

Regularly gets combs or brushes from Mira, but he lets Isa do it once in a while bc he gets jealous lol

Sif didn't completely lose his eye but it is dead (i.e. cant cry out of it, cloudy/damaged) he also can't open it fully and usually settles for having it closed

Their eye patch covers it most of the time but in my design his eye scar is star shaped :)

Spoilery headcanons below the cut

Despite Mira’s healing Sif has lots of scars from hurting himself in the final confrontation with his friends

He has a huge star shaped gash on his chest that mimics Loop's, albeit significantly less clean looking

Has small scars on his arms from the self harm event that you can get in act 5 if you interact with the shard of glass (tries to hide them *unsuccessfully* from his family members at first)

Has chronic pain (something i thought of since the pain he goes through for each of his deaths while looping sort of carries over)

They often have spells where they're in too much pain to move or speak. In these cases the family finds an inn or a place to lay low for a while until it passes. He gets lots of pampering and good foods

This is explored in a fic i haven't finished but Mira teaches Siffrin VSL (Vaugardian Sign Language) to help whenever he becomes nonverbal. He uses it regularly but still struggles a lot with matching Vaugardian words to their respective hand signs

Seems to recall more and more things abt his country as he gets older but he never truly remembers everything (Odile writes everything that she can down for him)

I imagine when the party DOES eventually split up Isabeau and Siffrin still travel a lot, but have their own place in Jouvente whenever they need to settle for a while.

Siffrin is excited to see everyone else's hometowns/countries and is always so happy to see everyone again

Siffrin LOVES touch post loops and is usually all over Isabeau (Isa still has not recovered lmao)

For a long time after everything and even recently Siffrin is enamored with the changes in the weather and the seasons (particularly the rain and snow or the rumble of thunder)

The first night that he experienced a storm after the loops he stayed up for a while watching the rain and listening to the thunder (he had to be coaxed to get his butt in bed)

I also headcanon that he enjoys being out in the rain a lot even if he does become a sopping wet cat afterwards

He never truly gets his original hat back and still has remnants of mannerisms he'd done when he had it (trying to pull down on the brim when embarrassed, etc.)

Isa regularly does a bit of maintenance on his cloak to keep it in good condition (no one else is allowed to touch it)

Sif has episodes where he'll stare up at the stars and sob. He's usually inconsolable, and all the others can do is just be there to give him comfort

Whenever Sif has nightmares he has them in that strange shade (red)

[angelmichelangelo]

ive had 2012 brainrot recently and i think abt raph and mikey’s dynamic so much i’m gonna yell abt them in ur ask box. i feel like a lot of fans dont understand that they are the Siblings of all time; its incredibly accurate to be like “fuck you fuck you fuck you die” and then also threaten to disembowel anyone who messes with ur sibling. i also specifically love the one scene where raph tells mikey not to apologize to bradford and mikey goes UH…SORRY I DIDNT DROP YOU HARDER!! and raph is so proud of him hes like :) good job buddy. anyways sunset duo for life i love them

oh you GET me dude. you get me

their bond, in this iteration is so important to me. i think that in 2k12 all the brothers have a good, solid relationship with one another - dynamic that even when they’re not getting along, it proves that they do very much love each other but the mikey and raph dynamic is something that i very much cherish.

mikey knows how to push all of raph’s buttons SO easily. he’s always there to rile him up and it’s all so very much on purpose. mikey is such a Little Brother and raph knows this, and even when he does allow himself to be annoyed at his antics or his teasing, it’s always in good nature.

and raph has so much love for his little brother!!whenever mikey is hurt, down, injured or whatever in the fight, it’s almost ALWAYS raph calling his name or rushing towards him. i think about that a lot. it makes me.. unwell lol :((

i imagine that when they were young, they were THOSE kids that if they went quiet, splinter’s day was about to be ruined lmao they were probably such a pair of rascals and that just cements that they are each others best friends. (now i wanna write turtle tot fic about these two just terrorising their poor father and more quieter siblings lol)

i think i already mentioned this before (and wrote a fic on it lol) but mikey for sure has a temper to match raph’s. they’re so very alike: very emotional driven, feels everything tenfold. we already saw in the space ep that mikey’s anger is a HUGE part of his personality but it’s something he’s perhaps able to keep under wraps than raph is. and that seems to me, why he’s so close with raph, always teasing him, making him cut loose because he knows he needs to let off steam because mikey knows how it feels !! to have all of it bottled up all the time !!! they’re so alike it’s :((( wahh !!!!!

anytime someone wants to argue the whole “raph was abusive” or “mikey never respected his brothers” spiel i literally lose years off my life. siblings will always fight and say things to one another than they shouldn’t. siblings will know how to make you mad and angry and siblings will always be that way, because you know that at the end of the day, that’s your best friend and of course you’re gonna make up at the end of it.

and that’s what mikey and raph have. they have each other and they know that they always will have each other and that’s just. very neat :)

[bluhjeans]

songs i associate with dbh characters / what i think their fav songs would be

pleasee share ur own thoughts & opinions id love to hear them!! and I need to ramble abt my dbh opinions to people (+templates if u wanna make ur own)

explaining my reasoning here if anyones curious

gavin: couldn't decide between rehab and in my feelings because theyre both just so him (and by that i mean fanon him cuz there really wasnt much to work on) 'in my feelings' because I can just imagine him to all' of the lyrics ('Sobbin' in my cup of coffee 'cause I fell for another loser' and 'Who's doper than this bitch, who's free-er than me' in particular) and rehab is a little looser of a connection, it stems from this story that ive been sorta writing that focuses on gavins relationship with alcohol aswell as his friendship with tina, and I just feel like rehab really captures his reluctance to give up the many different problems he has in the story like drinking, smoking & drugs rk900/nines: i dont really imagine he listens to music but but i kinda associate him with the pre-chorus in 'In my feelings' by LDR with the 'get that cigarette smoke out of my face' and the bridge with 'got me feeling so blue, making no sense at all, gotta leave right now' sooo duet with gavin...? 'shades of cool' (u may have noticed i like lana songs by now!!) also really matches nines IMO, the song is about her own pain and disappointment but but it also centers around this flawed love interest she wants to fix and understand, but ultimately can't, which to me just feels like nines and gavin, atleast in my own hc's (can you guess my fav ship yet) connor: whilst this song (a human's touch) could generally apply to all androids in dbh I connect it most with connor, especially in the second verse; "We were still going strong I never did you wrong Until the new me came along It was just you and me We were such a good team But now I’m alone on the boulevard of broken screens" Listening to this, I can really imagine him talking to Amanda after being introduced to his successor, the RK900 ('the new me') - I also can imagine the boulevard of broken screens being in reference to the graves of his previous bodies and I just think thattt hits yk, + whilst the second verse applies to machine connor more, the craving for human touch (connection in general) feels rather apt as by becoming deviant he has severed ties with Cyberlife, causing him to be pretty alone so yeah kara: I can just imagine her, alice and luther all singing country roads together in a car during the summer and it just warms my heart sm like its just sooo cuteee <3 I can also imagine her being a fan of Adele's music in general, I can't really explain why but she just seems like the type of person to be reaalllyyy into adele (me too) (+ i know age as a concept isnt a thing for androids really but adeles music appeals to a large age range making her music appealing 2 families so maybe im connecting adele n kara because of that) markus: I feel like I don't even need to explain history has its eyes on you... i mean come on.. but ohhh emmm geee!! I can not stress how PERFECT 'as the world caves in' is for markus atleast in my opinion, when I listen to it I can really picture this song over markus either choosing to sacrifice himself in BfD when surrounded, but generally I can just imagine this song over him doing anything really. 'run boy run' also feels like it needs little explanation, just listen to the song/look at the lyrics and youll see the connection north: I don't actually have any meaningful reasons for these songs but I just feel like north would like them but I guess 'breakin' dishes' is the one I thought about most because I can imagine her acting similarly in the same situation soo yeah chloe: Chloe doesn't really have a lot to work on with her extremely limited appearance in-game so this is completely based off a fic i read lol, where chloe was in a relationship with kamski but only in private because of his concern for his image anyways, in 'a loving feeling' mitski sings about feelings of loneliness in a relationship where her partner only shows affection alone and yeah that just feels like chloe n kamski to me!

[rollercoasterwords]

genuinely thank you so much for writing thtf. it's my favourite thing to read in the whole world for so many reasons. like other than where it's obviously devastating (in SUCH a good way), idk it just makes me so happy

I think it's the first wip i followed from start to finish and I have to say that part of 2022 was not the greatest but yk, every few days there'd be a new chapter. and it was great.

I fucking love Dorcas talking about "a butterfly in the palm of your hand" it's changed the way I think so much. like you would not expect this from a fanfic lmao but it's pretty much exactly what I needed to hear at the time. living just to live, even if it's complete shit, not caring about what they're leaving behind. ch 42 (i think) where all they're doing is just washing the dishes but it's so special and they're listening to dawn storm is so important to me I love it SO much. fucking amazing.

ngl I don't really think there's anything I don't like. every character feels so right - regulus in particular sticks out to me, like there's such a good balance between him doing pretty bad things because he's not a particularly "good person" but also not being a complete dick. also I would die for marlene mckinnon and the way you write her is just so fucking good. the way she is just so alive to make up for her shorter life is so beautiful to me. I could ramble on for a very long time about everything in this fic but I dont want this to get too long lol

the music you put on the chapters is also really good like I'm pretty sure the first time I read it I didn't listen the music and then I reread it with the music and it was like a whole different experience

yeah i would've sent this earlier (like maybe a year ago) but looks like I put it off for a really long time lol

also - really love where atwmd is going rn I'm so excited for more chapters, i love Sirius Black etc etc

ahh thank u this is so sweet! i love hearing that thtf resonated w people it definitely feels like the fic kinda took on its own life & became a little philosophical journey that i was not entirely expecting lol. i think writing a story where i knew my main characters were going 2 die the whole time really made me contemplate like. ok what do i actually want 2 say abt death, and by way of that what do i wanna say abt life? bc like. as someone who doesn't believe in an afterlife i didn't wanna write a story that says "well it's ok bc they can be happy in the afterlife" <3 bc like. that does not comfort me lol. & i also didn't wanna write a story that was like "it's ok bc there's gonna be a good future 4 others after them," bc i think life means something and matters even outside of futurity. i didn't wanna play into this narrative that u have 2 Do Something 2 make ur life meaningful by making sure u have an impact on the future, etc; i wanted 2 write abt life as meaningful outside of that. & i also specifically wanted 2 write abt life as something beautiful & meaningful even with the bad stuff mixed in, and even if death is abrupt and scary and painful and unwanted. like i purposely made both their deaths pretty brutal bc i personally find the idea of a "bad death" really scary! the idea of dying before ur ready, dying scared or alone or in pain or all three, etc...and i think part of why that's so scary is bc we place this big emphasis, again, on a linear timeline of life, where death is The End, and if The End is bad, then the story's a sad one. but death is just one moment in the sum total of billions of moments throughout your life; why should that bad cancel out all the good? why should a story be sad, just because the last page of it is sad? you can open the book to any page and find happiness, and love, and warmth, etc. & that's what i'm trying 2 say w "a story is not its end."

anyway. this got much longer than expected lol i love 2 ramble abt thtf but! again ty 4 the kind words glad u enjoyed the fic glad u enjoyed the music as well!! i love the playlist 4 that fic <3

[ofmdee]

😵

been having some thinky thoughts today, and for a while, rly, abt my Feelings abt breathing underwater and i tried to type something up on twitter but that jsut was not letting me think my thoughts correctly

i love BU........... so goddamn much. it started out as nothing more than a silly idea abt little mermaid ed meeting stede and kind of ballooned into what ive built it up into today. it's so important to me... but it's making me a little miserable right now?

miserable because i dont want to work on it, but i WANT TO want to work on it, i want to tell this story and read the finished product, ive got so many ideas, but i just. cannot get myself to do the actual WORK of making sentences and then staging all the pics........... what used to be a fun little pastime now feels like a chore, an obligation, a compulsion almost. it sucks, but it sucks more NOT doing it, you know what i mean? idk.

i know ive built it up into this big THING to myself, like... idk, i do this so often, i have big ideas and love to plan and organize them and then i get going with such intensity until i abruptly fizzle out. i start things and dont finish them, and i guess i just rly dont want this to be another thing that gets thrown on my unfinished projects pile :/

i have the next 2 parts drafted, but every time i go back to poke at them and edit them i just get so disheartened because it's obvious that my heart wasn't really in writing them, and it's difficult to salvage a rough draft like that. part of me wants to just delete those parts entirely and say fuck it im taking an indefinite hiatus, and i will start fresh when this is fun again! which would probably be the best thing, actually, but... i am reluctant to do that, because i just dont have anything else to rly fill my time rn.

i havent been getting a lot of joy out of... anything, rly, for a long time now, im so bored and apathetic and even my normal go to things arent cutting it anymore. and idk if it's a depression thing or if im truly outgrowing some interests, but either way i know i need to get more Things in my life somehow, because writing and sims are my two biggest pastimes, and then i combined them, and then i got sick of both so ive got so little to go on! so i keep poking at the things that i used to love, hoping to find that spark again 😪 i love these little guys and their little world!!! and it makes me sad that im not actually having Fun with the PROCESS.

it doesn't help that i am constantly torn between man i wish more ppl read my fic!!! i work so hard on it!! and man i never want anyone to perceive me or my writing ever it's so amateur!! idk what i want and idk what i want to DO about it!!

so, idk!! idk where this is all going, lol, i just... wanted to try and organize these thoughts somehow.

trying to reason w myself that at the end of the day, i am writing a fanfiction. that's it. it's not that big of a deal, and yet it feels huge to me, somehow. I don't wanna let down the ppl who are reading it, and i dont wanna let myself down again, either.

BUT it's not supposed to make me feel miserable it is supposed to be fun i am lowkey crying rn because like urghghghgh why isnt it fun?!!?!

so. i think i gotta do some more thinking, because not making any kind of decision is making things worse! and idk, if all of this hasnt put u off of the idea of my fic, here is the series page lmfao i could use some encouragement i guess......

but i am going to seriously put more thought into an official hiatus, because i think i am getting Too preoccupied with it again and it's messing with me!!!

i actually had a decent time doing those kitty ed pics today, even tho they didn't do so hot, so maybe i am just gonna try to focus on that kind of thing, doing stuff that actually catches my attention, and also doing things without the intention of sharing them at all. allowing things to be messy. i get so caught up in the thought of someone else seeing my work that i paralyze myself trying to make it PERFECT.

i had a decent time doing that oneshot from ed's pov as well. so maybe i need to work on projects that are a bit smaller scale. i dont have to say goodbye to BU stuff forever, but i am just so ALL OR NOTHING that it feels like a way bigger decision than it actually is 😓

so i guess....... im gonna sleep on it for a while. think about it and try and come to a firm decision. because if i take a break, i need to REALLY take a break, which includes not thinking about it all the time and constantly beating myself up for not doing it 😅

idk, thank you if you read this far, here are a few kitty pics of ed for ur time:

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[storiesoflilies]

HIIIII LILY!!!!!!!! ok ok for your game :))

✿ did anything major change when you started writing [fic] to when you finished? - for ‘as we fall, time is broken’ !!!!!!!!

(can you tell i literally have not stopped thinking abt that fic HAHAHAHAHA im so curious how you came up with the idea vs how you started vs the final product !!!!!!)

ok also im cheating and asking 2 >:) but WHAT WAS YOUR FAV LINE FROM IT???? i have a few [many] but i wanna hear yours :’)

HOPE YOURE HAVING A GREAT DAY LOVE YOU MWAH

AHHHHH QUINN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH N I’M SOSOSOSOSOSO HAPPY THAT YOU STILL LOVE THE FIC <3333

now to answer the ask!!!

no, nothing major changed during the writing process. i was absolutely in love with the idea of the whole story, and i knew i did not want to deviate from the final outcome.

more under the cut to keep the post short lol :3

ask game.

as for how i came up with it, i dont even knowwww hahaha. i don’t know why, but the song ‘wake up call’ by nothing but thieves really inspired me shape up the ideaeven though the lyrics n most of the song (except the chorus) dont really fit the vibe. but you know what, it worked haha, and you asked how i thought of the story so there you go. and honestly i have always wanted to write a vampire story that explored how unfeeling they are as creatures. how some of them feel too much or too little. i wanted readers to really question just how much of the love was even real in the first place, or if it ever was love.

now the only thing i suppose i changed was i didn’t write a smut scene. and the only reason why i didn’t was i simply wasn’t in the mood to write one!! i think allusions to smut are sexier anyways :3

AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE LINES!!!

• he offered her his hand like salvation, his palm facing the heavens.

(the first woman from long ago screamed.

you will not survive this - him.)

- i’m aware this isn’t one line but oh wellll i adored this part!!

• the darting squid would watch her with their bulbous, intelligent eyes. they used to speak to her once, wrap their tentacles around her throat and tell her stories of creatures from the depths even she had dared not go to.

- i think there’s something so mystical and inspiring about how the squid once spoke to her, and idk the part about their tentacles wrapping around her throat really shook me to my core (and i wrote the damn thing lol).

• she was sparing him from the fire and silver, so eager to take his place and save him from haunting the seas.

i mean, enough said really haha. i felt very big brained writing this one :3

now what are YOUR favorite lines my darling?!?!? i musssssst know!!!

much love,

Lily xo

[blightroach]

long post abt quinn and my ramblings

quinn is a ROMANTIC i will die on this hill. im of the opinion that quinn only knows romance through second hand knowledge of cheesy romcom tropes AND observation of pda. why do u think the first things quinn thought of when sylvia asked them to be sweet sometimes involves flowers (burning flowers bc of the typical association of fire and love) and gifts (bugs bc quinn likes bugs and sylvia reminds them of a blightroach) on the pillow? romantic tropes but quinn style

and the PETNAME. hoping on that petname so fast COME ON they were writing their and sylvias name together in a secret diary and drawing little hearts around it and doodles of the two of them w boxer and snakes and animals and what have you in a crude image of a house

on top of that quinn is so quick to practice being sweet and warm towards sylvia after the big hurdle of acknowledging their closeness (both romance and friendship route too) like warming up to someone is gradual, not like a switch. theyre just so elated to have someone who is decidedly not a bad person and be close to them (bc they know sylvia wont hurt them on purpose) Alright ALRIGHT

sure i still think quinn needs alone time and just in general minimal human contact if they can but having sylvia in their life is basically exposure therapy for them. but mostly exposure therapy... for sylvia lol their patience is still low towards other people but i think sylvia is their home base in social settings and her presence helps ground them. like they know if sylvia's there, theres at least one person in the room who Gets Quinn and will even go along w whatever bullshit they get up to bc sylvia matches. their. freak. wait im getting emotional now

anyways quinn has emotional turmoil in wanting love and affection unconditionally but feeling undeserving of asking/wanting it explicitly (NOT undeserving of love/affection itself, just asking for it) hence the use of proxies (boxer, deflection, activities where the focus is NOT on quinn but rather on sylvia/something else) and why the 180 between us knowing abt quinn on a deeper level from rank 8 onwards. like its in their nature to be blunt and brash abt things but they dont want to be like that in regards to their feelings... bc theyre tender :( once they know sylvia will not treat them wrong, opening up comes easier. feelings come out rather than stay in. its why rank 9 quinn says no at first but relents bc they know sylvia will be gentle w the matters of their heart. sigh. this is why quinn puts up a pathetic fight abt hugging. girl they WANT that hug, they just wanna keep appearances up even if the benefit is only for them. and the kiss? the cheesy lines? yeah. romantic.

i need to finish my fics AHHHGGHG MY ZINE. AHHHHH THE VOICES

[mrkis]

okkk please let me know :) i will go off from the synopsis you have and i’ll stalk the tags lol

i just wanna ask if the vibes i’m getting from the asks that you’ve answered already are right. lmao i’m bad at explaining myself so most of these are just songs 😭😭

marks series - innocent but with a dark side. i struggle with his one 😭😭 overprotective and “i’m yours” kinda vibe. “i wanna be yours”

ynfalm - obsessive but cuteeee and in loveee and boys falls first girl falls harder maybe. nct without you but like the particular line “can’t live without you”

why you - my love mine all mine vibes, here with me, this is what falling in love feels like (and a freaky sex song) try again jaehyun, nct without you but like the particular line “can’t live without you”

the other idk 😭😭i will figure it out though and i’ll send you the final result

ok waitttt im gonna see if i can like. work my way around explaining the vibes of each fic without giving too details away abt what im wanting to happen/wanting to write down......watch me struggle lol

[ynfalm // haechan series] pretty accurate with this one lowkey !! hyuck falls for people easily and falls hard. becomes obsessive in a way. you're all he thinks abt and because hes around so much, he gets inside your head too.

[why you? // jeno series] jeno has always had a type he goes for. someone who is confident, outgoing, likes parties & sex. but he comes across you who is more reserved(you keep to yourself), you focus on your studies, perhaps a homebody, relaxed. you're basically someone who he wouldn't usually go for but you've caught his interest somehow.

[boyfren // jungwoo series] (so. this one is going to be messy. so when this comes out, everyone please check the warnings and if this doesn't seem like the fic you would like, don't read. simple.) but this is basically abt falling for your sisters boyfriend. falling for someone you can't and shouldn't have. like i said. messy. (so if you dont want to create a playlist for this, that is totally fine !!)

[something about you // mark series] (AAHHHHCANTWAIT) you're not a fan of relationships. you like to have fun and hookup with whoever is willing to do so with no feelings involved or no strings attached. but you can't get mark, the cute guitar boy from the music department, out of your head. you want him.

[f**k you // doyoung series] enemies to lovers. academic rivals type of stuff. he's very mean and selfish, always wants to get under your skin and vice versa. you hate each other. but the sex is good lol.

[moonstruck // jaehyun series] the definition to moonstuck is: unable to think or act normally, especially as a result of being in love. you're falling for the professor lol. falling for someone older basically (legal age gap, like 3-4 years apart)

[carlos-in-glasses]

Hii im so glad to hear you like my comments! at some point i worried i was being annoying lol. as for my writing its just been some drafts, i used to be into making visual poems and im gonna start doing em again! though i do also love to have little narrative pieces so im probably gonna rewrite some old stuff and maybe finally write some of the stories in my head! some of which ARE tarlos, i want kidding when i said its scary to read carlos fanfiction as a hispanic person, the steriotyping and bad spanish are REAL 💀 so ig ill try to be the change i wanna see and write some good carlos fics in the future LMAO. also! just wanted to say that in ur rythms fic carlos writing in both languages is such a mood, to me words flow easier in english but then i can get more poetic in spanish, wby? do you write in other languages? id love to hear abt ur process/what you like! ur writing is really amazing and just cozy? lol. hope you have a great day! ALSO yeah gringos dont really use wpp that much! crazy lmao

🐦‍⬛

🐦‍⬛ Hello!! Oh my goodness don't you worry - it's my absolute pleasure to receive feedback like yours! Amazing that you're going to get back into visual poetry!!! Poetry that you can SEE?!! Sounds brilliant. I could never. I love art. I love artists. It makes me so happy that there are so many different kinds of creatives in this fandom. It seems to me that if an arty-type discovers Tarlos...art will happen at some point. It's impossible to resist! ALSO so exciting that you have some narratave works afoot, including Tarlos fic!! I'm certainly relieved to hear that the Spanish in Rhythms rings true enough - I don't speak other languages, so honestly if the Spanish is decent it's a result of research and just trying really really hard to do right by the Reyes fam. I'm also cognisant to what 'poetry translation' actually means. A published translated poem is not literally word-for-word translated, but the meaning translated. I knew that Carlos writing a poem called The Wrestler in English wouldn't necessarily mean a Spanish poem called El Luchador, so it became El Angel. Because that (in my head) is indeed the added romance (as in actually romantic, not Rome) and poeticism that writing in Spanish brought to Carlos. English is a hard language in every sense. It's harsh. It's made up of aspects of many others. It can be beautiful but also ugly, but you can also get away with a pidgin version of it in a way you might not be able to with other languages. I kinda liked the idea of Carlos leaning into the ugliness of English and then turning the same concept into something else with Spanish, and leaning into how one thing can be two different things at the same time. Which is true of so much of life. But that's Carlos' process lol. Mine is more slapdash. I plan for all it's worth, but then writing goes off on a merry journey of its own and I have to wrangle it back. Imagine a string of pearls snapping and going everywhere, and scrabbling to scoop the pearls up. Imagine an orangutan eating the paint of an abacus. Imagine a golden retriever running downhill on an icy road. That is my brain. Also 'rules' about writing? Fuck 'em. Don't tell me not to use the words sigh and chuckle. Don't tell me not to use adverbs (oh adverbs my dearLY beloved). I will use whatever words the characters need in order to be themselves in the story I'm telling, and I will use everything in my broken and shy little soul to make them as real and loud as I can for the reader. I appreciate all fics that do the same - and I can feel it when they do. In fact, that's probably why I've found so many fics that I've LOVED so much more than actual books I've bought off the shelf. The warmth, the non-compliance, the experimentation, the absolute passion. I have a creative writing degree and masters specialising in poetry and fuck it, some of the best writing I've seen in my life is right here in the fandom.

Thank you for your kindness re. my writing and for finding it cosy!!!!!!! Amazing!!! And thank you for teaching me a thing or two about whatsapp. I confronted my friends @lemonlyman-dotcom and @thisbuildinghasfeelings about it after I saw your comment and I was like wtf do you mean Americans don't use it??? It's an American company???? and they were like....sorry??? And then explained the situation. Anyway, for about an hour I really couldn't accept nor face it. But I've calmed down now and you've reminded me I need to go back and edit. But then we lose the fun of Wrestling Whassuppp??? Which was a PLAY ON WORDS!!! Maybe I'll keep it anyway... ❤️

Me trying to explain my writing process: