#this is why i dont go to bed early
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my dad went to the library to get some books (his goal is to read more this new year) and he brought me back a lil announcement abt a 'bring your own craft' kinda event that happens every Friday from 10 to 12
on the one hand: possibly a cool way to make crafting friends, get out of the house, go to the library more often
on the other hand: the odds of me being conscious before 12pm most of the time is Extremely Low
#out of queue#ani rambles#'ani why are you mentioning this here' idk it feels tangential#its like. i wanna join communities and meet people and have fun#but also i am A: shy and B: sleepy and lazy as hell#like literallly the main thing holding me back from committing to going At Least Once is that A: oh no new people scary#but also mostly B: i dont think i even CONSIDERED getting out of bed until 12pm today and thats EARLY for me#all this to say. uh. thoughts and prayers for your local shy ass nerd i guess
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spent years avoiding telling ppl about my health problems only to find out it barely makes a difference if i do tell them bc people literally just dont remember 😭😭😭 it does not change people's perception of me in a big way it literally doesnt even change people's perception of me in a small way. like for example remembering that i told them that i am disabled
#(i dont like the word disabled/dont think it's fully accurate but for lack of a better word)#literally told my new friend that the reason i always go to bed early is bc i suffer from chronic fatigue#and then he texted me at 10-ish pm and i told him the next morning that i didnt reply bc i was asleep#and he was like 'omg whattt why so early youre such a nerd lol 🤣'#no it's not because i am a nerd it's bc i suffer from chronic fatigue.... like i told you explicitly literally YESTERDAY?? 😭😭#personal
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easy to remember hiragana
#and ° . what was it called...im in bed i dont wanna google or get up#to read my notes#anyway just know i made a joke to myself that the na's skipped it and gave their#puyo puyo#puyo sig#im studying but not very hard;; on や but still havinf trouble remembering た&は so...vry bad of me i know;;;#anyway!! む is a nice charcter flows nicely. な is fun too#i thought i wouldnt like it cause i dont like how i write すits ugly and bad and not even “cute”#not even strong like a flag pole...my す is no good#my て is pretty cute tho. very round :) (maybe more than it should be ngl)#last thing but i think i get the “your mother is a horse” joke from a learning Chinese post#like i actually kinda get it its cool#also the naming conventions. i mean i didnt get it at first i just accepted it as a thing but actually reading about it makes ya go#“oh! like im robin. and im robyn with a y”#“im shu spelled with the kanji for horse.” “im mio. spelled with bearing fruit and center.”#i get it now i get it#oh ふ looks like an old guys nose#im also.not good at it (shamful i know;;;; )#also why does は have extra stuff. what was it called. the to ha's which is why they have the ° .#mmmm good old sleepy....why was i up so early i did have work today...i need a nap...a bed nap..#snork mimimimimi#gn
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fully HALF an HOUR looking for one glam kitchen recipe video bc i couldnt remember what it was called and i really really wanted it for breakfast. i still have 2 do the dishes before i even start tho
#i woke up at a quarter to five again!!!!!!! why! it's my weekend#i dont MIND it but at the same time if it becomes a habit i WILL start to mind#i did go to bed super early last night. so maybe my body just decided i'd had enough of sleep#anyway!!!!! dishes!! then migas#in the process of this fetch quest i learned that this woman is only vaguely a tiktok cook she's mostly a musician#who opened for lana del rey?? tbh that tracks for her . but i listened to some of her stuff and i quite like it
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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why do spiders exist and how can i get rid of them. permanently. with no damage to the ecosystem just cut and delete
#currently posting from the tenuous safety of my bathtub as it was by the door#and now its probably in my clean change of clothes#can i shower in peace??? hm??? can i? Can I?#big ass fucking harvestman. vanished in a blink#i turned away for One Second#fuck fuck fuck it was On the light switch#why is my life?#its always fuckin somethin smh....#if someone could just snipe me real quick thatd be great. dont wanna deal with this#i gotta start keeping my killing stick in the bathroom stg theres always a spider in here#absolutely unprompted#im gonna look down and its gonna by crawling up my towel#that is a valid fear its happened Before#and also yes i know harvestmen arent spiders. but they look like it so they count in my fear#NOW THERES A FUCKING SILVERFISH???? WHAT IS THIS? MINECRAFT?????#i am soooooo going to bed early tonight. hard reset. im done w today#gonna use my extra towel to whip the shit outta my surroundings#'take a shower' they said. 'youll feel better' they said#its always. fucking. Something.
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it's like the thoughts saw me all worn out by being sick and decided this is the time to move in. so many possibilities. so many ways i could kill myself. not going to though
#not today#nor am i actively planning to kill myself at any point#there's a style of discord status i use when im seriously considering suicide and i realised the other day that it's consistent when i took#it down#(did i mention i was extremely close to committing suicide last thursday? talked myself out of it though)#idk why im saying this#tw suicide#ignore me#truly though im fine#a part of me is tempted to simply present to emergency instead of turning up to my exam on monday idk#or maybe i just do the exam and hope im with it enough to pass. maybe kill myself after. as a treat#no no i joke#i really shouldn't joke about this stuff tho sorry#just ignore me#i dont want to die i just want things to be different#and i rlly want to stop seeing all medical professionals but thats currently not possible unless i just. cancel everything. hide out in my#house. whatever.#which im not gonna do rn#it's too late for this lolol#im just staying up for another like. half hour. before it's not Too Early to go to bed. i am so tired
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oh no. oh no i wanna be warm and cozy and snuggled up in my bed all day oh noooo what do i do
#i dont wanna go to woooork#see this is why ive gotten back into my old habit of waking up absurdly early on days i have work early#so i have time to accept how i angry i am about getting up >:(#im subbing at the high school today. i could easily like. wake up at 6#but i set my alarm for 5:15 so by the time 7:20 comes around (school start time) im like well ive been awake for ages#tales from diana#it's not a genius idea but it is an idea#btw. when i went to this high school i was never awake at 5:15#i woke up at 6 and got dressed and went back to bed until 6:50#and then went to school#i was so sleep deprived in those day tho
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As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.
#speculation nation#bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!!#well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol)#but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad.#i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning)#he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay#but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and#thats my dad. Thats my Dad.#im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go#dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone#so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant.#and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one?#take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say.#but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did.#seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him.#makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me#we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad.#sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today.#negative/#death/#hospitals ment/#idfk. sorry
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i already said i was gonna get so annoying so i dont feel bad abt it but erm. if its real and in the direct tomorrow i Will be liveblogging and analyzing every microsecond of whatever we get <33
#styx says#i should make a tag for it uhhh#styx liveblogs#there. sure. just block that if you dont want 20 notifications tomorrow morning of just “VIOLETTTT MY WIFE VIOLET”#(assuming shes there but shes a star level 0 townie so i see no reason as to why she shouldnt)#or candy if i get to see candy..... oogh#ANYWAY im going to bed soon so i can be up early for sonic trailer + the direct<3 gn
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new year another dude enamoured by me himself but bothering me about it
#my friend i will help you pick out a mirror#and then you just talk at it#like we all do it there is no shame in it#i just dont see why you should drag me in it#i should probably stop listening to people out of curiosity of how everyone's mind works but it would be so boring#sure it comes at a cost of people thinking they are interested in me while not asking me anything about myself#but i have been pretty good at seeing the signs early and not ignoring them lately#so i think my curiosity can continue at the cost of slight discomfort at pathetic call backs for my attention#this is unrelated to my friendships tho but some people just don't want to go down that sacred path or down the strangers/neighbours lane#which i hold great respect to#but this whole wooow you left me on delivered at 2am as i cant sleep and we are 20 and i literally just yknow went to sleep way before that#and we also just dont talk like that#like we talked late one time bc we were both studying for our term in this case#but those texts are so old same archetype different people#now i can laugh abt it tho cuz i finally see it trough a healthy perspective of why would you be pissed at a friend going to bed#and not feeling like i am being mean to a kid#0 notes to me
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anyways. holding linebeck gently
#some assorted untagged linebeck thoughts tonight cuz hey why not its been a Day of ups and downs and he’s been there in my mind#sometime this month i do want to make some images of him w/ the pride flags of my hcs so general gay and then mlm and then intersex#general post ph crew rundown theres linebeck and then damien is bi and trans and bellum doesnt fucking care and link is figuring it out#so its half we got it and half man i have other things to worry about#i feel like you put linebeck and midna in a room and they are gay/lesbian buddies mlm/wlw solidarity thats what they are to me#anyways. revisited my post abt possession aftermath effects. you can probably tell i enjoy hurt/comfort/whump#smth darkly funny to me abt extremely sick and delirious linebeck and worried link kinda hanging out in his room#with link being like i bet youll be fine!!! you’re recover youre fine. and linebeck just saying kid i have rabies symptoms#anyways he lives hes fine he survives the magic squid rabies. to calm the characters nerves and my own ive decided that once hes well enoug#linebeck and link decide to visit the fairy queen to get some kinda divine checkup and to get the closure of. linebeck is fine he’s fine#nothing malicious is lingering youre good just. get some more bed rest#i do like the idea that when hes got some minor injury to the degree of some little papercur linebeck is incredibly bitchy and whatnot#and then when he’s in genuine danger of dying he’s eerily chill abt it. while recovering from possession one day when he can walk he just#chills on the deck when theres no breeze just smoking. ofc hes terrified inside but fuck if hes going to be obvious abt it (when lucid)#could tie that to his trauma n whatever ig but rn i dont have the energy to really think on it idk hes had enough bad injuries#and has found that when hes actively distressed crying out and whatnot didnt really get people to help#like its smth he learned early on his brother was there and there was just enough but like yknow. wasnt ingrained ig#thats a different thing to be lumped into the idea of him learning that its fine to be more vulnerable abt what you feel n need n want#prob smth he practices with link i mean damien is good but he needs to learn to listen instead of assume for that first bit#uhhh. earlier today i almost made a vent post but didnt but i think the gist was god i need to stop comparing other loz things to my iwn#bc it never never ends well. anyways. uhhh. came up with a possible post ph story arc for bellum n link#and decided to revive an older one with link and linebeck. post ph is really really just its own thing tbh#ofc meant to be a sorta fan sequel thing but between the disregarding of canon sequel stuff and not really adhering to the feeling n whatno#its just its own thing and i like it. ill prob delete this later
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"I can stay up late, I don't have school tomorrow" says person who has not gone to school for at least 4 years
#what i meant is that i dont have work tomorrow#public holiday today and then friday off to get a long wekeend#but i dont know why my first thought was school instead of work#posts made by a sleep deprived smidge#i am going to go to bed anyway#ill probably wake up early enough to go to school anyway
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I was complaining about how i had to clean my old place bc im so tired and my dad was like "just go to bed now and wake up early and do it in the morning!" like wtf? u can do that? what the fuck? whats wrong with you? you can just go to sleep? hello?
#i genuinely hate people who can sleep. i literally cannot go to sleep naturally no matter how tired i am. like my dad is always like 'you#cant be going to bed at 4am and waking up at 12pm everyday.' and now i know why he gets so mad. because he literally thinks its a choice#if i go to bed too early-- TAKING AMBIEN! if i take ambien too early and go to bed too early. meaning 2am or earlier. I WILL WAKE UP AFTER#2 HOURS. and not be able to go back to sleep. do you think i dont WANT to sleep? that i dont want to have a normal lifestyle?#its a miracle i can sleep for 8 hours if all the right conditions are fulfilled!#like if i wake up early one day. i will be tired all day! i will not be tired at night or when i have to go to sleep. like this is a#physical problem that i am struggling with. and it kinda keeps me from living a normal or fun or good life honestly! how dare you
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hit one-two combo of being extremely discouraged about my character designs and being inclined to sit around and feel terrible in my room while doing nothing
#rot.txt#the character design thing is like. i just remembered how much inspiration i took from this woman when i was a beginner artist#and i know some of those character design things SHE uses a lot stuck around in my art#and then i remember that people have told me my art reminds them of hers#and then i get worried im falling into the same design pitfalls she did#and them im scared all my character designs suck shit and ass#and then i dont want to draw. hey guys what if instead of doing something that makes me happy i just sat in my room not thinking about this#its getting late i think i need to go to bed early. if i do that maybe my pokemon will love me#im also frustrated with myself for sleeping so late so often it not only sets me back in pokemon sleep but also just makes me miserable#its been a very social day maybe thats why im feeling like ass#and ive eaten like nothing today good god how am i not hungry
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