#this is why I am not gonna reblog your fundraiser

[bookshelfdreams]

ETA:

Employees of UNRWA were accused of having been directly, actively involved in the October 7th attacks. In nine cases, the evidence was strong enough that the UN fired those people.

You may say that 9 out of all the employees in Gaza (13k or so?) isn't that much, but in my opinion, the number of terrorists and murderers employed by an UN charity should be ZERO.

So yk. Decide for yourself whether that's a charity you want to give money to.

I am Amira, the breadwinner for my family after my father's death. We were forced to flee to the southern part of Gaza after the war intensified. Our home, my university, and my workplace were bombed😢.

We are now in desperate need to escape this danger and continue my dream and educational and professional journey💔. I kindly ask you to donate or share the campaign link. Your support can save our lives and give us a chance to live in peace🍉.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart🙏.

Hey folks! Let's have a quick conversation about charity scams, because God love you little peanuts but you are spraying my dash with this "Save Amira/Noor/Abdullah's family/etc" shit these days.

In brief: if you want to help the people of Palestine, give to a legitimate organization, like the UNRWA (as I have). Individual "Palestinians" or "Palestinian families" reaching out to solicit donations are overwhelmingly going to be scams.

"But I reblogged it from someone who said that this fundraiser was verified!" The person saying that is either (1) in on the scam, (2) actively the one running the scam, or (3) painfully naive. "Verified" by who? How? They never say. It's always just some shit like "I've known Amir for 12 years and he's like a brother to me, that's how I know his heart is true." I can say that too. I just made Amir up, but our bond is real and his Facebook profile is 100% legitimate. Please consider his need for €30,000 verified.

I get it, I really do. You want to DO something to alleviate all some of this suffering, and helping an individual or a specific family feels more real than giving to a faceless organization. That's why those "for only one dollar a day, you can feed this specific photogenic child in Africa, who will make you a piece of bespoke macaroni art as a token of his love and gratitude" organizations do so well. Attaching a face to the suffering motivates donors. Reputable charities like Save The Children know that, and so do scammers.

But when you allow scammers to take advantage of your empathy and your desire to help, you are directing money away from the people who need it. You are directing energy away from where it would do some good.

Charity scams have surged since Israel's invasion of Gaza. Some scammers set up entire fake websites pretending to be legitimate relief organizations. Some scammers hack or spoof legitimate Palestinians' e-mail and social media accounts in order to solicit donations. But all of that is a lot more work than putting together a photo collage of some rubble + some attractive Arabic-looking people in what plausibly might be Gaza, setting up a GoFundMe, and copy-pasting the same message to a few hundred or thousand accounts on social media. Like...this is literally the lowest effort scam out there. Social media monitoring tools have tracked a 40% increase in scam-related content since the "All Eyes on Rafah" movement gained momentum.

Some of these Rafah crossing GoFundMes are legitimate. It is deeply unfortunate that there is no easy way to tell them apart from the frauds which vastly outnumber them. For those who are pained by these appeals for aid, and want to give to an individual or a family instead of a reputable relief organization, please consider:

There are more than 800,000 refugees in Rafah at this point.

Egypt only lets a very small number of people through the crossing every day. I've read numbers as low as 150 and as "high" as "a minimum of 500," with 250 being the figure reported most.

Every one of those people needs to pay between $6000 and $15000 to make the list. If you get added to the list but miss your window, due to lack of internet connectivity or, you know, any of a hundred other reasons why the people in Rafah might not be able to check a fucking website right now, you lose your place, lose your money, and have to start the whole process again.

To put it bluntly: every person who pays to make the Rafah crossing is taking one of a horrifyingly small number of slots away from the other 800,000 refugees, and it's not even a guarantee of escape. And the more money that gets funneled into this process, the higher that price will rise, as corrupt and opportunistic travel agencies and Egyptian officials gouge desperate people for as much as they can get.

This is not an effective way of spending your money. Unless it's for your personal family, in which case, yeah, obviously you do everything you can to get these people specifically out of Rafah. But if you just want to "help the Palestinians?" You're not.

Which brings us to Amira here!

Clicking through to Amira's GoFundMe brings you to this little gem, organized by an "Abdallah Alanqar," which features the kind of writing I'm more used to seeing from clickbait retellings of Reddit posts designed to get you to look at ads.

"When sorrow and difficulties strike hard, hope becomes the lone star in the dark sky. This is the story of Amira, a 23-year-old girl who found herself bearing the burden of her family after her father's death three years ago due to the coronavirus."

Am I...am I meant to believe this is her bedroom? Amira's personal bedroom? This is clearly catalogue photography.

"After her father's passing, Amira found herself taking care of her family, consisting of her mother, sister Noor, and brother Abdulrahman. Her mother, suffering from high blood pressure and diabetes, faces health problems that further complicate their situation. But courage and determination drive Amira forward."

Good, great, well-lit stock footage of rubble, gotta have some of that. The same photo collage is also used in this GoFundMe for "Mohammed Alanqer," also run by "Abdallah Alanqar." That one's a little better, Abdallah clearly at least raided someone's actual Facebook page for family photos. Amira's here has no photos of her at all, and just one selfie on her Tumblr.

Mohammed also has a Tumblr! The pinned post starts with: "Hello, my name is Mohammed Alanqar, and I am from Gaza Palestine 🇵🇸. I write to you today with a heavy heart💔, seeking hope and help. The ongoing conflict has put my family's life in grave danger🙏." Weird how this ostensibly 36 year old man writes exactly like our 23 year old Amira.

Also, if you go to Mohammed's Instagram, it's 100% interior design photos from either AI or magazines - you know, the kind of stuff you usually see on fake Instagram accounts - until July 12th, at which point it suddenly switches to tons and tons of photos of this one Arabic family. I hope they're alive, whoever they are.

It goes without saying that if you Google any of the names of the people mentioned in these GoFundMes, the only thing that comes up is the GoFundMe and the promotional social media surrounding the GoFundMe. That's weird, right? Mohammed ostensibly had a start-up (not that we're told what it was called). Amira was a student. You'd expect that Googling their names would turn up something.

Anyway, back to Amira.

"Amira worked as a teaching assistant at the university while pursuing a master's degree in data science, and also worked as a programmer in a company. Her life was going smoothly until war came and destroyed everything."

Just "the university" and "a company." No details, nothing that would let us actually look up if Amira exists or not. (They also include more stock footage of rubble here, I'll spare you.)

"Her university, workplace, and home were completely destroyed, forcing them to flee south in search of a safe haven. Now, Amira and her family live in tents for displaced people in Deir al-Balah, where they suffer from water shortages and the spread of diseases, posing an additional challenge, especially for her immunocompromised mother."

Note that they don't say fled south from where. I'm not sure about the relevance of the photos here; is this supposed to be depicting the dirty, abysmal conditions in Deir al-Balah? Because this is just what outdoor cooking looks like. I had an identical meal in the backyard of a Lebanese family I knew growing up. This looks like a nice day. The close crops + blurred edges on these photos are there to make it harder to find the original images sources, btw.

Blah blah blah, you get the picture. This is nothing. Amira doesn't exist.

"But her post says she was vetted!"

Sure enough, her pinned post does feature this:

I don't know any of these people offhand and wouldn't blindly trust them with my money, so let's dig a little deeper, shall we?

Nabulsi's post is not "vetting." It is an uncritical reposting of the information (and images...) in Amira's GoFundMe, without any additional comment or context.

Fairuzfan's post is just a wordless reblog of - oh, what's this? A post by "Ameera Alanqar," as in, our OP? Just a different blog run by our good friend Amira here? And all of the posts on that blog are about Amira and Mohammed, and how much of your money they need?

Sar-soor's post is just a wordless reblog of Nabulsi's post. Again, no context or further information provided.

Aaand 90s-ghost's post is just a wordless reblog of the same post, again, reblogged from @amira-alanqar, a blog which has now been deleted. Add it to the list with @amira-world and @ameera-anq.

I found another deleted blog called @palestinian-fundraising which put a big "VERIFIED AS REAL" stamp in red across the bottom of these posts, with a link that just goes back to...Nabulsi's reblog. None of this is vetting. None of this is anything.

I know you're upset. I know you just want to help! I know you want to do anything, even if it's small, even if it's just reblogging the words of some desperate young woman or family man in the hopes that it gets them a tiny bit closer to safety and peace. But you are accomplishing nothing but putting money into the pockets of scammers. Amira's GoFundMe has raised €17,826. "Mohammed's" GoFundMe has raised €48,958.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

[littlegaypancake]

Sorry if I left out any genres that you like, but there was a desperate need to get this out there. Why you may ask? Because a Palestinian family has reached out to me for help. Many of you may be tired of seeing these kinds of posts, but these are real, innocent people who need help. They're displaced and unemployed due to the destruction of their homes and jobs. The economy in Gaza is bad enough that a single carton of eggs can cost an equivalent of $50. Please, they need help evacuating, rebuilding, and surviving the warzone. Even if you can't donate you can still reblog and share their fundraiser. It does help.

[notarobotsadly]

I cannot donate money to fundraisers at the moment, I can only signal boost and reblog.

ABOUT ME (the host): -William Afton Fictionkin -Jevil Fictionkin -Cat Therian -demon/angel/divinekin yes those are all lumped together -mmmmmaybe Dragon Otherkin like I know -PROUD TRANSGENDERIST EXPLOSION EAGLE AMERICAN FLAG -happliy married (/p) to @sweet-drmzzz -ADHD (not diagnosed but my dad is and I have almost all of the symptoms) and looking to see if I have NPD (and if I can get a NPD diagnosis without my parents finding out) any resources for either dropped in my inbox are a blessing -STRONGLY against the color purple and ONLY I can bully that color. PROUD #1 ANTI PURPLER (/j <<here as a precaution because that color has it out for me (/j))

about my Kintypes:

>Jevil< -alters that were split because of this number count: ??? -Aesthetics I associate with it: Jesters Goblincore Kind of Goth ngl -General vibe: "I am god" highs and rabies -Opinions on sourcemates: ANYONE CAN INTERACT (enrichment for my cage) also Seam is my peepaw/memaw in memories. -additional like micro 'types that stim from this one: Fae/the fair folk Goblins Imps/Demons kind of godish shit -Origins: present in a really developmental time in my life

>Will A< not gonna speak much on this one because I hate it -alters that were split because of this number count: 12 Sourcemates are encouraged to interact -Origins: present in a really developmental time in my life + the reason I'm still alive rn.

>DIVINE< -a character I will NOT be talking about -alters that were split because of this number count: 1, I think. -Aesthetics I associate with it: basically anything angelic, -General vibe: high energy, somehow. I love geese. -additional like micro 'types that stim from this one: Birds Demonic/Angelic/Divinekin goats sometimes WINGS oh my god I need WINGS. -Origins: saw a character and went "OH MY GOD ME???? Wait."

>kind of placekinish< -I just want to be a place, isn't that being a god in it's own right???

no dni just stances

-don't know what pro recovery or anti recovery means but I do believe when it comes to someone elses mental health issues all we can do is take their words for it especially online when you don't know them that well, and I do believe you can find joy in your mental health issues. It's at the end of the day up the to the person suffering from it and their therapist to decide how it's handled end of story. If you don't want to "encourage a delusion" than just block them. They know how it affects them best, you are a stranger on the internet.

-Pro Endo and not willing to engage in syscourse (on this blog at least) because it's just petty at this point.

-I believe that everyone is allowed to make jokes about their mental health (if the joke isn't going to make it worse) shit like "adhd moment" and "haha autism" isn't going to hurt anyone but people who are not adhd or autistic making fun of adhd and autism is. Joking about it can help ease the pain of it all and clapping back with "just wait till you've suffered like I have" isn't helping? Yes they are suffering that's why they're making these jokes. To cope with their suffering.

-I don't believe the media you consume defines you just how you consume it.

-straight Alloaces Ily, straight Aroallos Ily, lesboys ily, I don't think anyone outside of internet spaces cares that much nor will this hurt anyone

-I consider myself Alterhuman and I am an alterhuman friendly space

additional

-please ask me to trigger tag I'm not good at it but I can try

-blog may contain unreality and etc proceed with caution.

-I use tone tags and don't see the harm in them but will prefer to use stuff like this: (serious) (joking) around strangers.

-I believe in a free palestine and will try and reblog fundraisers and such, please correct me if I get anything wrong.

-We consider ourselves a system and you have no right to know if we have trauma or not as a stranger on the internet end of story.

-if you see any stamps here you made and want credit please let me know

SYSMATES SIDEBLOGS

system and alterhuman sideblog: @sysshitig <<More social on here

-Shotguns sideblog: @shotguns-wares

-Sun: @mikumikuyoucancallm3miku

-Malhare: @malharevrthepcport

-Jevil: @thedungeonv2

-Boomboxes/WIP req sideblog @boomboxedbeats

-Queenies Sideblog: @queeniesmansion

-Banhammers sideblog: @tyrantofbanland

-M16s sideblog (tw for phighting fictives): @messier16

-Icedaggers sideblog: @the-icedagger

-Firebrand/Lucifers sideblog: @king-of-h-e-double-hockey-sticks

all of them are under construction btw.

tags I need to keep track of: #artistic reference #for later #writing inspo #buttons

cred: -MCLS Stamps

[tetradic-echinoidea]

It makes me sad that so much of the creative community on social media has succumbed into this petty squable about what kind of engagement is worthwile and how creators aren't content machines (which is true! but!) and how they're all going to leave if people don't start giving their energy to these creators in a specific way... like, girl. You know that's extremely toxic, right? You know that your followers and their followers aren't engagement machines only there to spread validation and help all artists grow an audience? That it's not ANY individual's job to build an audience for YOU??

If you've looked at social media these days, literally everything and everyone is screaming for our attention all the fucking time! Hey you're not engaging with the news enough, or in the correct way, or hey you didn't give a statement about this or that or you're not supporting artists and creators, because you are only liking things, which doesn't "do anything". By the way buy this product! Help these hundreds of people fundraising for money, why do you not reblog their posts?! Why aren't you caring enough?? Wow, you only liked this post again? Why aren't you helping these people??

Like. I'm sorry to say but as much as social media and the internet connects us, everyone has the right to determine the level of connection they want to have with you. Creators don't owe content to anyone, but no one fundementally owes them their energy and time (or space on their blog!) either.

Staking the existence of your creative pursuits on strangers, without their knowledge, is doomed to fail. A random person seeing your post and liking it has no clue you have set them an expectation of "helping you build your audience". They are primarily engaging with your work in a way that is comfortable and natural for them - whether or not that is through a simple like, reblog or a comment/ask. It might also reflect on how much they liked the thing they saw - or maybe they want to check it out later, who knows. It doesn't really matter. It does everyone a disservice assuming the worst of people who don't engage in the way you decided is correct and worthwile. You can't force people to be moved by your work, or to want to show it to other people. If they don't they don't. They aren't doing anything wrong by engaging with the things they truly love and care about, and not engaging with things that they do not want to engage with.

Sitting there seething that the people walking by aren't stopping to talk to you isn't gonna make those people wanna stop and talk to you. They don't fucking know or care that you want something specific from them in return for putting yourself out there on a website out of your own volition.

The unfortunate thing about creating art is that it is sometimes very lonely, and difficult. But there are things you can do to alleviate that without putting unfair and toxic expectations on total strangers. At some point you have to just realize, that to get the sort of engagement and conversation you want you need to go somewhere and ask for that. Whether it be your friends, mutuals, people you share fandoms with, or asking a more experienced creator for feedback. Finding groups where everyone wants to share and receive feedback.

I reblog things from my friends, and things that really speak to me or that I have something to say about, because that's what I want to be doing on my little blog. I wanna support the artists I wanna support! It doesn't mean I don't want the art I don't reblog to succeed, but no one can give their time and space to everything and anything they see. Give it to the things you like! Give it to the things you authentically want to give it to! I don't know about you guys but I would rather have 1 reblog by a person who really fucking loved something I did rather than 10 reblogs by people who reblog everything they come across out of some sense of duty.

Also, I am just asking - if the point of reblogs is to spread the work of an artist how the hell is a "dump side blog" with likely no followers going to do anything?? Anyway, sorry to the 5 non-bot and non-dead followers I have, I just needed to have another 0 note rant on the tungle because this shit irritates me to the nth degree. Truly social media's idea about helping and community is so fucked and full of toxic entitlement. Ideally a community is a place where people help each other, but social media is like. million little disjointed islands of semi-communities and constant flow of strangers between them. It really is not the ideal place for that deep sense of belonging.

[craftykittyscientist]

"Hello, I hope you and your family are well. Can you please help me recycle the post on my account? 🌺 And help rescue my family from the war in Gaza? 🙏 Thank you."

https://gofund.me/7a794018

hello, idk why you copied and pasted the ask but this fundraiser has been reblogged by 90-ghost so i’m not gonna question it

[ladyzerodark]

Hey! I came across your blog while on Disney side of Tumblr

I’m so sorry to bother you. My aunt, Angela, lost her husband and is now faced with caring for her son, who has intellectual disabilities, alone, as well as trying to bring my uncle, who suffered a stroke in England, back home to Ireland so she can care for him as well. His condition is deteriorating, and we're trying to get him home before he becomes too ill to travel.

I understand that the vast majority of people on this site are in a similar situation to me and don't have the funds to donate, so I’m not asking for any. I'm just wondering if there was any chance you would consider reblogging the fundraiser on my page to try and reach some people who may be in a position to help?

I know that with the increase in spam bots this year, people might not be comfortable reblogging from a page that contacted them out of nowhere, especially one that is newer (my own page was accidentally deleted by Tumblr during the great purge of all those spam bots, so I had to create a new one), and I normally would never dream of reaching out to anyone I don't know and annoy them, but Tumblr is the only site I really use, and it's the only thing I could think of to bring awareness to their story.

I don't want you to feel pressured into anything you're uncomfortable sharing, so if you're not okay with it, that's totally okay! And if you can help by sharing, I would be eternally grateful.

Thank you for reading and considering.

If there is anything you want clarification on, please let me know!

Cece

Okay, I'm gonna be completely honest and I do apologize if this sounds harsh: this may not be a good way to spread the word, as you stated, there are a LOT of spambots that do the same thing and scammers who have taken to messaging folks. And while your reason for this being a new blog makes some sense, I'm sure you can understand why some people are a little leery.

I'm also confused on how you found me on the Disney side of tumblr...when I'm not a part of that side and the last time I posted anything about Disney was a vague post about the Owl House (minus reblogs).

All of that said, I will reblog the post to help spread the word, but I am letting my followers decide whether they want to donate or share.

And to be fully transparent: if I find out this is not legit, I am deleting my reblog immediately.

Again, I do apologize if that came off as too harsh, and I do genuinely hope that Angela and her family get the help they need. I'm just hesitant about trusting random internet strangers, due to my own experiences.

[derpylittlenico]

Hello, I’m Ameera a 23 years old Muslim lesbian who is trying to come out, I’ve been in the closet with my girlfriend for way too long, because of how dangerous and hard it is to come out as a lesbian to a religious Muslim family, but me and my girlfriend have decided to do whatever it takes and risk it all to come out, do you mind supporting and encouraging us?, we have the plan to go away which is why I have my donation campaign pinned on my profile, if I raise at least that goal I can start the process with my savings, I can’t come out until I’d gotten my apartment and I’m away from family, so please support by donating if you can and help reblog though I know we all have what we dealing with, so I’m not imposing we just need all the support and encouragement we can get, check my pinned post for more information on how you can support, if you are a Muslim queer and you are out, please help with tips on how to make it less complicated, any word of advice is also really needed, we really wanna come out but we need y’all 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ pride please come through for us, I believe pride is for all

Hey Ameera!

Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate the courage it takes to do so when you're in an unsafe and unwelcoming living space.

I, myself, am neither Muslim nor completely out, but what I will say is that...building a community of like minded queer friends can be a saving grace. And not just for financial situations, though that's an important part of establishing independence from a toxic or unwelcoming family.

but also because humans are generally a social animal. A community you feel safe in is important so you can thrive instead of just survive.

I don't have the means to contribute, and I know it's a humbling, scary ask to put out there, especially with the kneejerk reaction of "scammer". So, I'm gonna post this with love, and encourage others to check out your fundraising and page for themselves to see if they can help you and your partner.

sending love your way.

[edenfenixblogs]

!!!!!!

Followers, please do NOT be mean to this person. I know we all have Big Feelings about the word genocide, but this is an actual Palestinian person who has a right to describe their experience as they wish, and I value their perspective so much.

To the person I’m Reblogging this from, I do try to take breaks regularly. I go on a “shabbats from antisemitism” once a month where I refuse to interact with anything about this conflict. I hit a breaking point the other day because I tried to take four full days away and it was literally everywhere I looked—online and off. I got overwhelmed and made this post. Like…literally. I go to a coffee shop and it’s a pin on someone’s apron. I try listening to a podcast while I workout and there’s an unexpected fundraiser at the end.

I want to go to temple but there’s a memo that bomb threats have been called in. There aren’t a lot of Jews in the world, and so if I want to interact with anyone in my community, that often means I have to go online which leads to getting death threats and hate. So that’s why I was super frustrated when I made this post. All my non-activist outlets are totally flooded with Content.

That said, your point is well taken and very appreciated. Imma DM you real quick because I’m so SO stoked you reached out to me with kind words.

To my Jewish followers:

I know us as a people. We do our due diligence and I’m sure plenty of you have already gone to their blog. I know there is a LOT of stuff on this person’s blog that we vehemently disagree with. That’s gonna happen. This is the actual very first Palestinian person who has reached out to me with any kindness at all. And my goals here are for us to learn from each other and to hopefully lower the temperature to reach a better intercultural understanding. For that to happen, we have to start somewhere.

This person chose to try kindness. I am choosing to also try kindness. Peace starts by choosing kindness over hatred and rage.

I was having a rough night so I went to my favorite funny website IsMercuryInRetrograde.com

I’m not a huge believer in astrology, but the website only has two pages:

If it’s in retrograde it says yes, which feels weirdly validating.

If it’s not in retrograde it just says “No, something else must be bumming you out,” which always gives me a little chuckle.

Fun silly website. Yay.

Except this time

YES. SOMETHING ELSE IS BUMMING ME OUT.

The fact that unless I lock myself in a room with only pre-written or pre-recorded material that I’ve already read or watched and know is safe I CANNOT GO TWELVE FUCKING HOURS WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THIS FUCKING WAR.

It’s killing me. There are no breaks. I open any website or social media app and it’s an immediate bombardment of info about the war. I go watch a YouTube video and then there’s a fundraiser at the end.

I flip through channels and see news about an antisemitic attack or a bombing in Gaza or Rafah.

I leave notifications on and get a text from a friend who sees a “rape is resistance” sticker on her walk home from school.

I go to look for pride merch and see watermelon merch mixed in as if war is some kind of gay accessory. I look through a fandom tag and see cartoon characters in a kids cartoon drawn with Palestinian flags.

It’s fucking endless. It’s insane. I just wanted a few days without having to think about all of it so I could recharge and I haven’t even been able to go a continuous 12 hour stretch without something or someone shoving the whole thing in my face.

It’s not healthy to live like this. I already have PTSD. And I’m trying with all my might not to retreat fully within myself but this is fucking killing me.

And I am someone who is pro peace and pro ceasefire and pro Palestinian welfare and anti-Likud but also anti-antisemitism. I do nothing but promote interfaith and intercultural organizations devoted to fostering peace. I want this war over.

And yet I’m fucking stuck in this perpetual hellhole of awful news and constant imagery about war and death and antisemitism and Palestinian suffering. And it’s too much. Why can’t I even go 12 hours. It’s killing me.

The fucking mercury in retrograde website‽ YES. SOMETHING ELSE IS BUMMING ME OUT AND ITS YOU.

[shelbyswift]

everyday i wake up brazilian so... i really REALLY need your help!!!!!!!!! (please reblog if you can 🥺)

Hi there!

My name is Sylvia and I'm a Brazilian psychology student who has just gotten an unconditional offer to study at Royal Holloway University of London, starting September 2021. It has always been one of my biggest dreams to go to university abroad, but I never thought I would actually be given an opportunity like this someday, considering my coming from a very humble background. I am the first in my family to ever be enrolled in higher education, and I owe that to my father's determination and resilience. He grew up in conditions of extreme poverty in northeastern Brazil, taught himself the entirety of our national tax system by spending hours and hours on end reading in libraries, and worked his way up to a tax & accounting management position at Thomson Reuters (which he has now held for over 15 years), all the while raising 6 children. Although my family has been extremely blessed to now live in a much more comfortable financial situation than the one I was born in, the political and economic air has shifted, and the reality of our country is no longer a prosperous, hopeful one — especially for anyone looking to work in science. Amidst constant attacks from the current government against universities, human rights, the scientific community, the truth and democracy, I can't help but fear the prospect of my academic future, or of my future in general, as well as my family's. My father is now 68 years old and the only provider to my household, I'm afraid he won't be able to play that part for much longer. So, at 21, it is my responsibility to step in and make sure my little sister gets the education he enabled me to get, supporting them, my mother and myself financially. It is highly unlikely that I'll manage to do that successfully as a scientist in Brazil.

I don't mean to dwell but, If I'm gonna ask you for help, I feel like I owe you a full explanation as to why I need it. I am a late-diagnosed autistic woman, which might sound weird if you have a preconceived misconception of autism engraved in your mind, but the under-recognition of autism spectrum conditions in girls and women is actually a gravely common and dangerous issue that prevents us from having access to support at an early age, thus arising serious consequences for our health and wellbeing. I am not sharing this information in order to "play the victim" or get you to donate from a place of pity, but to explain why I long to work in science so much, and need to be somewhere that will grant me better opportunities. My biggest dream and professional goal is to help girls like me have a happier, healthier, more fruitful experience of the world than the one I was met with for so long, preventing unnecessary suffering through accessible neuropsychological work, while raising awareness to the dangers of misdiagnosis fueled by bigotry in scientific research. The Brazilian government's been pushing deep cuts of billions of reais (brazilian currency) in science funding over the last few years, causing students to lose their scholarships, be forced to use obsolete equipment or stop the research they have been conducting altogether. This scenario makes it extremely hard, if not impossible, to turn dreams such as mine into reality.

That being said, the anual tuition fee for Psychology BSc overseas students at Royal Holloway is of £21,400 —  approximately R$161.427,00 in brazilian currency (reais), which is more than my family's yearly income. At the end of the 3 year course, that amount will have added up to £64,200 — almost half a million reais. If I get a scholarship (the best one available for overseas students is the Reed Inovation one, which awards the winner £5,000 a year), I would still be expected to pay R$371.131,68 (£49,200). Unfortunately, there is no way me and my family will be able to afford all this, and that is why I have started this fundraiser. I don't expect to reach the full goal in donations until September, but I would never forgive myself if I didn't try, as even half of the amount would already make a huge difference and perhaps allow me to actually go.

Thank you SO much if you took the time to read this up to here, I will be forever grateful for any help I can get, even if you just share this!

Here’s my Paypal link.

Hope you have a nice day 💚✨

Proof:

[imsorryimlate]

1. it's really embarrassing of u to take a stance against ao3 for having smut fics about underage characters on there when u just posted a screenshot of pornhub where they post real life videos of real minors really being sexually assaulted.

2. it's really embarrassing of u to take a stance against other sites that have lax moderation from tumblr of all places, a place that is so known for pedophiles that it has to be rated 17+ in the app store.

3. it's really embarrassing of u to post so much about harry styles "queerbaiting" (he's a real guy not a fictional character btw just so u know) when u literally blog about succession- AKA the Other white guy queerbait show- on a regular basis.

make it make sense stop having no standards for things that u like, but acting holier than thou about things that u don't! ugh hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite. people like u annoy me to no end. if u care about kids and gay people so much then why don't u go donate to a gay couple's adoption fundraiser or something productive instead of talking out ur ass all day on the internet?

p.s. bro idk how to tell u that somebody wanting to see romantic gay sex on the TV isn't illegal. some people are into romantic sex not everybody watches so much porn that they can only get off to seeing somebody choke their own dad.

anon, i am So confused. let’s go point by point:

1. that post was not “bashing ao3”, it was bashing people who don’t like it going on there. that’s it. and that’s why i reblogged it. i’m someone who doesn’t just support others’ rights to write whatever they want, but someone who does that myself. including the very thing you accuse me of criticising.

2. again, i’m not criticising ao3, and i think tumblr is generally fine

3. i’m sorry but i fail to see the connection between me thinking harry styles is tacky and overrated, and my interest in the hbo show succession. and i’m not gonna comment on the queerbaiting stuff because lmfao

so yeah. i’m not the hypocrite you think i am. and i do donate to several charities, especially lgbt ones, but i don’t see the point in toting that fact on the internet??? what do you want from me, a copy of my bank statement?

also….. my issue with harry styles’ comments is not about people wanting to see romantic gay sex on tv, it’s that what he said was thinly veiled homophobia. clearly, this is what your real issue is. and just for the record, you are free to love harry styles with all your heart and soul and might if you want, just don’t do it in my inbox. i don’t care.

the only thing i will give you points for is “not everybody watches so much porn that they can only get off to seeing somebody choke their own dad” because it made me laugh and isn’t wholly inaccurate (also makes me wonder if you actually have visited my ao3 account?)

hopefully that cleared things up. please calm down. i’m not your enemy, i’m just some guy.

[fatal-error-blog]

A Peaceful_Fundraiser has Occurred - An Effort to Fight Against Racial Injustice!

Hey everyone, this is going to be a long (but important) post. Given the title of this post, I’m sure you know what I’m about to mention. So before I get started I just want to say that it’s totally okay to not want to see this on your dash, coming from this blog specifically. While this is a really important issue that shouldn’t be shied away from, I do 1000% recognize that this blog has always been (very purposefully) kept as a fun and safe place for us all to enjoy a good story together. Heck, this blog is a safe place for me, too. I like knowing that I can come here and focus on content that makes me happy, and that makes you all happy, and just escape from how gross the world can be for a little while. But I also realize that I have the power to do some good, and I want to try to do some good, with your help, hopefully. I want you to know that it’s okay if you don’t want to see mention of what’s going on out there, here.

Any post I make on this blog that specifically references the racial injustice movement going on right now will be tagged with ‘FE BLM Fundraiser’. You are more than welcome to block that tag so you don’t have to see it here. It’s truly okay, I promise.

With that being said, let’s get into this!

I’ve never done anything like this before, so please bear with me! But like I said, I want to do some good with your help, hopefully. So I’ve made a charity fundraiser page where the proceeds will be going to the Black Lives Matter Global Network. If you’re not aware, there has been a lot of turbulence regarding racial injustice and police brutality going on all over the world, centered mostly in the United States. There are so many resources out there with information on what’s going on and different ways you can help (even without donating any money!) and I encourage you to do your research if it’s something you feel you need to be more enlightened on. I took a couple of days to think about how I wanted to help, and I thought that a fundraiser with awesome goals could be a really great thing! To be honest I’m not sure if we’ll reach many goals, but I think it’s worth a try, and no matter what, every little bit helps :) So here’s the deal:

A link to the donation page is here: https://secure.actblue.com/donate/fatal-error-blog

This fundraiser will run through the month of June, all the way up until midnight, June 30th EST!

Anyone who donates at least $15 will be able to receive a free commission from me!

Commissions will be a colored character bust (so like, from the top of their head to just below their shoulders) of a character of your choosing (not necessarily just Undertale themed, and can also include original characters or characters in different fandoms). This is a bit cheaper than my normal commission rate, so it’s a great opportunity to get some cool art if you’ve always wanted some!

If you want to claim your free commission, you need to: 1) Contact me via tumblr (@xedramon or @fatal-error-blog) or via email (xedramon@gmail.com) saying you’d like your commission

2) Send me a screenshot of your (at least) $15 donation

3) Tell me the name of the character you want, and a reference picture I can use

*** You MUST contact me to get your commission. Pretty sure I’m not able to see how much people donate so I will have no way to reach out to you, so you have to reach out to me first! Commissions will get done as quickly as possible, and will be sent via however you contacted me (so either tumblr or email)

FUNDRAISER GOALS!

So along with the commissions, there are community goals we can all reach together! I feel like some of the higher goals are a bit daunting to reach, but if we reach them, good for us! Each goal has a fun reward attached to it that I think is worth the goal we’re trying to reach. $50 - Everyone here gets to vote on an Undertale AU to be featured in an upcoming chapter of A Fatal_Error has Occurred! It can be anything, from an AU that hasn’t appeared yet, to one that already has, to one that you think would be hilarious or cool to see, whatever! Only stipulation is that the creator of that AU has to give me permission to include it. If this goal is reached, I’ll make a list of the AUs people want to see in order of what was voted for, just in case the 1st place winner doesn’t give me permission, I’ll check with 2nd place, and so on.

$100 - I’ll host a Game Night Livestream! We’ll pick a date, and play some stream-friendly games (like Jackbox Party Pack!) for several hours! Perhaps we’ll even do two nights so that people can choose which night works better for them :)

$175 - I’ll host a 12 Hour Art Livestream! What’ll happen is that the stream session will be broken down into different segments (so maybe for a couple hours we do a request stream, and then we switch to working on something else, etc). People will have the opportunity to vote on the date we do the stream.

$250 - Everyone here gets to vote on which side comic I work on next! This means I’ll give everyone a couple of choices to pick from with a brief idea of what each side comic would be about. Everyone votes, and I’ll start on the winning side comic immediately. This is a great opportunity to basically demand that you get to see what you’re most excited about sooner rather than later!

$500 - This goal guarantees that Chapter Five of A Fatal_Error has Occurred will be completed by the end of THIS YEAR. Which is some seriously insane pacing, but hey if we reach this goal, a promise is a promise!

$750 - I will create a (hopefully awesome) Fatal_Error animation! I have a couple of ideas in mind, and perhaps I’ll let you all vote on what idea you’d like to see come to life the most. I am the most nervous about this goal, haha!

$1000 - I’ll host a 24 Hour Art Livestream!!! That means exactly what it sounds like! We’ll pick a date, I’ll take the most intense nap the world has ever known before we start, and then we’re gonna stream for 24 hours straight. I’ll set up a schedule so we do different things every few hours to keep it interesting. It’ll be so rad!

$2000 - Everyone here gets to vote on an Undertale themed tattoo (an honest to goodness permanent one) that I will, 100%, absolutely get! How this will work is that everyone will be able to suggest what I should get, I’ll pick a handful of the most popular ideas (that I’m cool with having on my body for the rest of forever) and you all will get to vote on what I get! This would, of course, occur once tattoo shops are allowed to open back up and it’s safe for me to go get one. But I promise you, I’ll do it and it’s gonna be AWESOME.

$3000 - Last but certainly not least, if this goal is reached then I will resume working on Sondertale again, alongside working on A Fatal_Error has Occurred. What’s Sondertale? Well, it’s another UT AU comic I started on before I ever began Fatal_Error’s comic. I ended up setting it aside so that I could focus on Fatal’s comic instead, and over time there has been some...surprisingly popular demand/request that I return to working on it. Originally I was going to consider what to do with it after Fatal’s comic is done, but if this rather large goal is reached then I will pick right back up where we left off and commit to finishing the comic, in it’s originally intended comic format. It’ll be a LOT of work (which is why getting a legitimate permanent tattoo is an easier goal to reach than this) but if we work together to donate this much, then it’ll be absolutely worth it.

And that’s it for the goals! I think that the higher goals will be plenty hard to reach, but if somehow we surpass the highest goal then uhh...I guess we’ll talk about what kind of goals you all might like to see after that, haha.

This fundraiser will run through the rest of June - so if you would like to donate and help contribute to seeing some of these goals realized, please do!

I will reblog this post on the following days: June 7th, June 14th, June 21st, and June 28th as a reminder, and also to update everyone on how the fundraiser is going. As goals are hit, I’ll also mention them on the blog so we can all share in the excitement of what’s to come!

Thank you so, so, so much for your consideration, your help, and your support. Please stay safe, stay hopeful, and stay determined.

Link to fundraiser page: https://secure.actblue.com/donate/fatal-error-blog

[ashtray-girl]

Reblogging this to add smth I've just found out abt.

According to Johnny, the first songs he ever wrote lyrics for were "Prodigal Son" and "Vivid", both of which appear on Electronic's last album, Twisted Tenderness, which came out in 1999.

The reason I'm mentioning this? Well, let's take a look at "Vivid" (which btw was also a single):

My imagination wants to see The vivid colours of reality There's a place out there beyond my grasp A revolution in a looking glass I've got to get this problem off my chest I'm sick and tired of being second best I'll rearrange my credibility A fundraiser for a restless sea

Don't ever doubt me What's come over you? Won't you forgive me? What are you gonna do? Don't ever doubt me What's come over you? Won't you forgive me? What are you gonna do? What will you do?

I can't contain what's inside my head I'm using words that I must have read Do you remember the time we spent? It seems that we were the main event Have you a reason to behave like this? Maybe you need a psychoanalyst If you keep pushing me out of the door, for sure You'll never see me again

No one to talk to What am I gonna do? You're never there Right when I need you Give me a cause Give me a reason For your applause I'll commit treason

And in my mind I know I'm right It's the same thing every night You're not to blame So don't you cry You don't need me So hurt my pride And all the time I know we tried Line by line And side by side And still I pray That we'll get by But it don't seem real And I don't know why

And in my mind I know I'm right It's the same thing Every night You're not to blame So don't you cry You don't need me So hurt my pride And in my mind I know I'm right It's the same thing Every night Why do you cry? You're not to blame When will you change This sad refrain?

This sad refrain Oh, when will you change This sad refrain? When will you change This sad refrain?

First of all, one of the things I find interesting is the writing style. On Johnny's solo records (and on the one he did w/The Healers), I find most of his lyrics to be quite cryptic and abstract. Here, however, they're very direct and str8-forward. They tell a story. But what kind of story might they tell? Well... once again, let me indulge in some speculations:

In 1996 there was the trial, and we know how that ended. However, after the judge's first verdict, Morrissey didn't give up and, in november 1998, unsuccessfully appealed to the Court. Crucially, he was alone in this final pursuit. Johnny obvs had enough and didn't go ahead w/it. But, assuming they had to at least talk abt it, with Morrissey trying to convince Johnny to join him for one last effort and him refusing, well.... as I've said, these lyrics do seem to tell a story...

Hey! I have a question related to Marrissey., since we always talk about songs that we think that Moz wrote about Johnny and not the other way around - do you think there's songs throughout Johnny's musical career that are about Morrissey?

Hi anon! I've talked abt it here, however I do wanna add a couple of things: - I now think "Hi Hello" could actually be about his son or his daughter. - In Johnny's latest album there's a song called "Ariel" whose lyrics I find quite interesting. Ariel is the title of one of Sylvia Plath's poetry collections, and Johnny has talked multiple times abt how he likes her stuff (so did Morrissey btw, even tho according to him: "Her life and death were more interesting than anything she wrote". Interestingly, amongst her writings we can find stuff like "Dialogue Over a Ouija Board" and "Sweetie Pie and The Gutter Man", so I think he must be familiar with her work to an extent...). However (and this is purely personal speculation), Ariel is ALSO the name of one of the characters in Shakespeare's The Tempest, which I think might be worth mentioning for a few reasons... Other songs I find potentially intriguing are "The Messenger" and The Cribs' "We Share The Same Skies", where Johnny played guitar (idk if he also contributed to the lyrics tho), but I'll admit these are purely about the vibes haha

[hecate-spawn]

Ok, so obviously I should spread more awareness on social issues. So here I am about to do it on BLM:

You may have heard the slogan black lives matter or BLM as a hashtag on twitter, instagram, facebook, or any other social media platform. You might be wondering what that means. In today's article we’ll be talking about that among many more topics about the movement. Black lives matter (or BLM) was started in 2013 by three black women -Alicia Garza, Patrisse Cullors, and Opal Tometi- in response to the acquittal of Trayvon Martin’s murderer, George Zimmerman. This is what happened. Trayvon was walking to his father’s fiance's house after coming out of a convenience store with a bottle of juice and a bag of skittles. George Zimmerman is a insurance fraud investigator and captain of the neighborhood patrol. Thinking that Trayvon looked suspicious. Zimmerman called the police and followed him even though the police said not to. Moments later gunfire was heard, when the officers arrived Trayvon was dead and Zimmerman had a bloody nose and cuts on the back of his head, and wasn’t arrested since he claimed to act in self defense. Trayvon’s parents raised concerns about the fact he never had a criminal record. That sparked the million hoodie march, which demanded justice for Trayvon. On April 11, 2012, following weeks of demonstrations. Zimmerman was charged with second-degree murder and went on trial in June. After 16 hours of debating over the course of two days, Zimmerman was found not guilty by a jury of 6 women. After that BLM was started and has been going on to this day protesting against systemic racism and police brutality. The black lives matter movement is to stop white supremacy, and systemic racism along with other forms of racism for black people. They do this by having PEACEFUL marches, fundraising and spreading awareness on social media. The reason this is so important is because it fights for black people to be treated equally. Black people are twice as likely to be killed by the police then white people. From a 2015 study African americans d/ed from police at a rate of 7.2 pre million, while white people are killed at a 2.9 per million rate. That’s a really big difference. Now you might’ve heard the saying ALM online. That stands for All Lives Matter. Now, you might be wondering why Alm is bad. Saying all lives matter in response to black lives matter is making it sound like black people aren’t getting hurt or killed by the police. Still don’t get it? Here’s an example Semaj Mitchell on twitter used: If you break your arm and go to the doctor, and the doctor says “all bones matter, not just your arm.” You’re gonna look at them stupid because yes, all bones matter but they are fine, your arm needs attention right now. BLM is that arm, saying all lives matter is redundant Police brutality is when a police officer uses more force than necessary or legal. Most of the time police use illegal force simply because of racism. Black people are often killed by the police for no reason other than the fact they have dark skin, and to make matters worse they are often pressed no charges which is absolutely infuriating. In 2019 24% of people killed by police in the USA were black even though they only make up 13% of the population. Yes racism is everywhere but it’s mostly seen in the USA. On June 5th 2020 some parts of Canada and the USA had a march for BLM 10 days after the death of George Floyd. Say their names. Obviously I can’t names every single black person murdered by the police since that’s too many to count and I doubt the US filed every single report of a black person killed by the police. So I’ll be naming only a few people and saying what they were doing. Theses are their names; Rayshard Brooks: fell asleep in drive though. The officers called to the sense attempted to restrain Brooks, a struggle ensued and he fled. He was shot twice in the back. George Floyd: allegedly tried to use a counterfeit $20 bill. He was handcuffed on the ground while an officer knelt on his neck for 8 minutes 46 seconds. Breonna Taylor: While Taylor and her boyfriend were sleeping at home when plain cloth police officers

broke into their home and shot Taylor who was unarmed, eight times Stephon Clark: Clark was standing in his grandmother’s backyard when officers believing he was holding a gun, shot at more than 20 times, Clark was only holding a mobile phone. Tamir Rice: Was at a park playing with a TOY gun. When police arrived they shot him within 2 seconds of coming an officer fatally shot Tamir. Police then tackled and handcuffed his 14 year sister Tajai and put her in the back of a police van. Tamir died the next day in hospital. These are just some of the many victims of that were killed for no reason, most if not all of the police involved in these acts weren’t given jail time. please spread this

#blm #black lives matter #George Floyd #spread #awarness #repost #reblog

[chessdaze]

Since I outed myself with an ask to phoenix about an event I’ll go ahead and post something about my schedule for three wishes here. I won’t put this under read more just for visibility, so sorry ahead of time for clogging your dashes.

As a note ahead of time THESE ARE ALL SUBJECT TO CHANGE, I DO NOT GIVE ANY DATES CAUSE I’M NOT PUTTING MYSELF ON A DEADLINE. I’m doing this for my own enjoyment and hopefully, others as well but please don’t rush me. I’m sharing this just to be open about my plans and what I’m working on, and perhaps for the motivations / reminders it’ll give me - not to give anyone a reason to come at me. Okay? Okay.

Not counting small comics or misc posts of art and info or fics:

First order of business is for me to finish drawing all of Silas’ outfits and Design the Enchantress. I have Silas almost completely done sketch wise, so I’ll work on the sketches of the Enchantress next and then line/color and post those. I might also do some side character designs as I have a few that might show up here and there (but they’ll just be like the ghosts in canon, occasionally there and then you don’t see them for fucking ever). I WOULD do outfit design sheets for EVERY character BUT....that would be a lot of work. I might end up just making polls like ‘who would you like to see outfit references for’ and then work on them at my own pace. That way you guys get what you want first and I still have fun designing everyone’s outfits regardless.

Second order of business is my event I mentioned in the ask to phoenix, BATTLE OF THE BANDS! I accidentally went full game dev on the documentation (because if I’m not gonna use all that documentation homework I did for that game art degree NOW then when am I going to??), but I’m actually pretty far along planning wise since I’ve been working on it when I needed break from art things. Right now I have about half of the main story of the event outlined. My order of doing things is Summary of Story > Outline of items / mini games > Figure out what characters were going to be in the event > Main story outline > Card Story outlines > Finalized story and Card Stories > Art Assets. So it might take awhile before I post any art for it. But if people show interest in me posting some of the in progress things feel free to send me an ask every now and then and I can update you! Because of the ask and permission given, Evonie from @phoenix-manga ‘s Diamond Crown Academy will make an appearance in the event, as well as Three Wishes OCs made by @tsukikoayanosuke (Bridgette) and @missnekonyan (Donelle) as the clubs their characters are involved with the event overall. I’m really excited I got permission from all of them to be able to reference their characters! They won’t be big rolls but I’m happy to give all of these creators spotlight by adding in their characters.

Third thing, Regular Card Stories and Art for Cards! I am already making documentation to have these noted down, Will probably do them one dorm at a time but I do have a few ideas already. I will say that my R-SSR order of the cards is a bit different from canon. R’s are School Uniforms and PE outfits (will be slightly different depending on which PE course is taken by the student, since there’s three at three wishes), SRs  are Dorm Outfits and Fundraising outfits - as Dorm outfits are different per person i didn’t think they were special enough for SSRs but still worth some highlight, and Fundraising / Volunteering is a mandatory class at Three Wishes so that gets another SR spot. Then lastly their SSRs are their Ceremony outfits. These are also different per character but they will all have a matching color scheme so that’s why i wanted these to be the SSRs.  I also already have like four future events planned and which characters will be getting cards / what rank the cards will be for those characters! None of these events have any kind of outline yet, only general concepts and characters possibly involved, so the characters may change but I have them written down so I don’t forget and I can add to the event outlines as I find inspiration.

Maybe the fourth thing is actually designing the dang school. I SUCK at environment art, I’m not going to lie. It’s why alot of my comics up until this point has had minimal or no backgrounds at all. But one of the reasons why I’m drawing comics is to maybe get better at backgrounds cause I’m already sick of them not having one so progress I guess. But this is why this is kind of last on my list, as I definitely need the practice. If there’s a dorm or location I have listed that you would like to see art for or just described in better detail, Feel free to send me an ask!

And the thing I’m kind of working on while all of that is going on is of course, the Main Story Outline! I have all the chapter names picked and I have at least the Prologue - Second chapter bullet pointed as a first draft - I already know some places I wanna go back and change things but for now I’m just trying to get the general ideas for each chapter down. As of now there are eight chapters in total - including the prologue and the finale, so six major story chapters over all.  I’m still not sure how I want to tell this story in all honestly. Part of me REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to make these full blown comics in all honesty. I’ve been wanting to draw actual comics since I was a kid and I’m closer now than I ever have been to being able to do so. But I also know how much of a time sync that is and know that I haven’t quite grasped all the shading tools in CSP to really give it the effect I want to have - which is one of the reasons I’m working on the mini comic pages here and there so I can slowly improve - but I can’t promise anything. If nothing else, I’m semi confident in my writing skills so I will maybe end up writing it out.

As a treat TM, I’ll list the chapter titles I have down below. THESE ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE, but I am pretty happy with them right now - they’ll only likely change if I end up changing my entire idea for the chapter or changing the order of chapters. Anyone care to give me some theories on what you think each chapter is about? :thinking:

Prologue: the start of an actor's life Chapter one, Nightingale: by the stroke of midnight Chapter two,wondrous: a queen among thieves Chapter three, diamanttobar: the wishing well Chapter four, guardian: a dragons curse Chapter five, lapinhole: tipping the golden scale Chapter six, servireu: the guest has arrived Finale: when the last petal falls

If you read this far, thank you so much and I hope you look forward to more three wishes content! <3

Also I ask that this post isn’t reblogged, not gonna come at you if you do but it’s just a to do list really lol idk why anyone would want to reblog it.

[inyournightmares97]

Unsolicited (2/3) (M)

Jackson Wang is a perfect gentleman and he thinks it’s extremely vital that you understand… that is not his penis.

Warnings: Fluff. Crack? Adult topics, mentions of sexual harassment (but not too serious) and plenty of swearing. College!au. Please don’t ask when I’ll update. There are three parts and the next one will come when it’s ready.

Find the link to Part 1 in the reblog!

Word Count: 6.5k+

Environment Club meetings were on Fridays at 5pm. You were surprised that any sort of club activity would be scheduled on a Friday evening considering the university’s rampant party culture. Then again, the sort of students that joined the Environment Club probably didn’t have much going for them on weekend nights.

You entered the club room exactly five minutes before the meeting was due to start. A handsome and bespectacled man was standing at the front; dressed in a smart button-down and slacks.

“Hi, is this the Environment Club?” you asked him carefully.

The man blinked at you through his glasses and gave you a tight but reassuring smile. “That’s correct,” he replied. He glanced at the form in your hand before his smile widened. “Ah, the new recruit? Sorry, I almost forgot. I’m Park Jinyoung. President of the club.”

“Oh!” You shook his hand politely. “Nice to meet you.”

“Why don’t you hand me the form and take a seat? I’ll find a senior member to show you the ropes before the meeting’s over. You can just watch how we do things for today, we’re about to start.”

You nodded and hurried to find an empty desk, trying not to feel too flustered by Park Jinyoung’s handsomeness. You hadn’t expected to come across such an attractive man in a place like this. You found a seat in the corner and awkwardly glanced at the people around you. There were at least 20 people in the room but no familiar faces.

At least, not until a large man plopped down into the empty chair beside yours and gave you a dazzling smile.

“Well, well. So we meet again. Following me around to make sure I don’t send anyone more pictures of my junk?” Jackson Wang asked you cheerfully.

You stared at him in disbelief.

“You’re in the Environment Club?” you demanded.

“I’m a founding member, actually,” Jackson informed you with a charming smile. You couldn’t help but notice that unlike Park Jinyoung, Jackson was dressed comfortably in shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt. He evidently knew how excellent his tanned arms and shoulders looked in them.

And his thighs.

Fuck, don’t be creepy and stare at his thighs.

“Interesting,” you mumbled. You tried to keep your gaze focused towards the front of the room. You were terrified that you might end up looking at Jackson’s thighs and the significantly-sized bulge in his shorts. Not that his charming smile was any less dangerous. Jackson Wang was setting off alarm bells in your mind every second.

“We were going to be a health and organics club until Jinyoung got his way,” Jackson explained to you. He lowered his voice and scooted closer to you to continue speaking; Jinyoung was calling for everyone to take their seats and quieten down. “He’s a hard worker but he always needs things to go according to his plans.”

You stiffened at Jackson’s closeness and the smell of his deodorant. “Huh.”

“Jinyoung’s a bit of a dick, to be honest.”

“And you’re not?”

“I’m an easy-going guy,” he replied smugly. Jackson’s tongue flickered out and slowly licked his lips as his dark eyes settled on yours. His words sent a shiver down your spine. “Unless you need me to get hard then I can get pretty hard.”

You were saved from having to reply by the room falling silent and  Jinyoung starting the meeting. He stood at the desk in the front with a binder. “All right everyone! Let’s get this meeting going so that we can all get out of here soon and enjoy our Friday night. We have a new member joining us today; does everyone want to say hi to her?”

Everyone turned to look at you and you forced a friendly smile as people waved. Somebody at the back of the room suddenly piped up.

“Hey! Aren’t you that chick who punched a guy at the protests last year?” one voice asked. Your stomach twisted in disappointment.

Oh god. Is that all people think of when they see me?

You opened your mouth to respond rudely but you were cut off by Jackson laughing and turning to face the guy. “Hey, we need that kind of passion when it comes to the environment. Maybe if we’d been willing to throw a couple of punches ourselves then the park officials wouldn’t have been able to shut down our clean-up drive last year.”

There were a few chuckles around the room and you allowed yourself to relax. Jackson’s eyes twinkled when he turned back to you; you realized that he had done it on purpose and you felt relieved. The last thing you needed was for people to hate you on your first day at the new club. Luckily everyone was still giving you friendly smiles.

Jinyoung sighed. “Okay, cut that out. We need an older member to be her mentor for the first few weeks. Since you seem to like her so much, Jackson, why don’t you take the responsibility?”

Jackson shot you a cheerful grin. “Sounds like a blast.”

“Now, onto our main agenda for today. Everyone is aware of the ongoing problem with the beach volleyball team. Our beach clean-up drive is scheduled for Sunday and they refuse to let us have the beach area. The volleyball court is one of the most polluted and littered parts of the beach. Not only are the team members not cleaning up after themselves, they’re opposing our clean-up drive since it interferes with their morning practice sessions. Obviously, we can’t just let them have their way.”

One girl raised her hand. “I’ve literally seen them littering plastic food wrappers during their practice sessions. Some of the plastic drifts off into the ocean when the tide comes in.”

“It’s disgusting behaviour.”

“We need to do something so they don’t interfere with our clean-up drive.”

“Agreed. Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with them?” Jinyoung asked hopefully. You glanced around and saw that the room had fallen silent. Only Jackson’s arm had shot up in the air. Jinyoung looked disappointed. “Anybody other than Jackson Wang? No?”

Jackson pouted. “Hey! You haven’t even heard my idea yet, Jinyoung!”

“Fine. Tell us your idea.”

“Get this. We challenge them... to a duel,” Jackson announced dramatically.

The entire room stared at him in disbelief and Jinyoung looked as though he might murder him. Jackson hurried to defend himself. “Okay, hear me out! The beach volleyball team runs on pride. Those guys have a shit ton of pride because they’re one of the best volleyball teams in the state. They would never turn down a challenge. So we lay down terms. If we win, they let us conduct our clean-up drive in peace and stop littering. If they win we cancel our drive.”

Jinyoung frowned. “A duel? Like with swords in medieval times?”

“Come on, obviously something more modern. We could nominate champions from either side and have a wrestling match on the beach! What do you say?”

“I say the only one of us who stands a chance wrestling anybody from the beach volleyball team is you, Jackson.”

Jackson smirked. “It’s settled then. I volunteer to be our champion.”

“No, it’s not settled.” Jinyoung sounded annoyed. “We haven’t made a decision yet. Ideally, the entire club should be allowed to take a vote on this since you’re staking the future of our clean-up drive. Once the club agrees that your stupid idea is worth trying then we’ll decide who our champion is.”

Jackson cleared his throat. “It might be too late for that.”

“Excuse me?”

“I might have already tweeted this idea to the volleyball team and they might have already accepted the challenge?” Jackson began hesitantly. Your eyes widened as you stared at him in disbelief. Everyone in the room let out a collective groan.

Jinyoung looked furious.

“Jackson!”

Jackson beamed. “Don’t worry! I’ll make sure we emerge victorious, I promise! Have you ever seen a man that could beat me in a wrestle? I’m a state-level basketball player and a fencing champion, okay? Those volleyball nerds are a joke in front of my athletic prowess.”  

Jinyoung snapped his binder shut.

“Fine. This is on you, Wang. You are fully responsible for making sure our clean-up drive takes place this Sunday.”

Jackson leaned back in his seat and let out a confident laugh. “Don’t worry, I know.”

“Then let’s move on to the next item on our agenda. We have to take a vote on what to do with the funds left over from last semester’s fundraiser. We could pay for the installation of new segregated garbage bins or we could carry it forward to the next clean-up drive. Assuming, of course, that  Jackson doesn’t botch that one up for us as well…”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waking up at 6 am on a Saturday morning to witness a duel had been the last thing you’d expected your duties as a member of the Environment Club would require.

Yet somehow you found yourself trudging towards the beach while the early rays of morning sunlight filled you with warmth. You had settled on a comfortable t-shirt and shorts and rode your bike down to the beach. The beach volleyball team was already practicing in their usual area. Jackson was standing a short distance away and watching them practice. He waved excitedly as soon as he saw you.

“Hey! Over here, over here!”

You couldn’t exactly ignore his enthusiastic waving so you crossed the sand to reach him. Jackson seemed wide awake and had his usual cheerful smile on his face. “Wow, you look like someone dragged you out of bed. Not much of a morning person?” he questioned.

You frowned. “I don’t usually come to the beach at 6am on Saturdays, no.”

“Lighten up! Today’s gonna be a blast.”

“Unless you lose.”

Jackson folded his arms across his chest confidently and grinned. “I won’t lose.”

“Are you really that sure?”

He leaned closer and lowered his voice. Jackson’s handsome face was inches away from your own and you had to swallow in order to maintain composure and not flush red. His cheeky grin had turned mischievous.

“I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. I’ve already got this all worked out. My buddy Jooheon is on the volleyball team and I paid him fifty bucks to lose the match with me.”

You stared at him. “This duel is rigged?”

Jackson looked offended. “Hey. When you put it like that then you make me sound like the bad guy. I’m doing this for the fishies, remember? I have noble motives.”

“The fishies,” you repeated in disbelief. Jackson Wang never failed to leave you bewildered at every turn.

“Yeah. Jooheon couldn’t convince the rest of his team to agree to the clean-up drive so we decided to stage this little duel and force them to cooperate,” Jackson explained. He looked smug. “What do you think? Not a bad plan, huh?”

You didn’t know what to say. It seemed like a slightly underhanded thing to do; but then again the beach volleyball team were the ones refusing to cooperate with the clean-up drive so maybe they were the real assholes in this situation. You shrugged and glanced over towards the group of men playing volleyball.

“So which one is Jooheon?” you asked.

Jackson followed your gaze. “Oh he’s… huh. Hold on. I don’t see him here today.”

“The guy you paid off isn’t even here?”

Jackson’s smile disappeared and he suddenly dug into his pocket for his cellphone. He lifted the phone to his ear and walked away from you. You stared after him, confused, but you were distracted by the appearance of Jinyoung and a few other members of the Environment Club. They were making their way towards you over the sand.

“... if Jackson messes this up, I’m going to kill him,” Jinyoung was saying to another man. He lifted a hand and waved at you. “Oh hey. You’re here early; I like your enthusiasm, new girl. This shit had better end soon because I haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

You forced a smile and greeted the other club members politely. “Hey.”

A large group of people gathered within a few minutes and the volleyball team also seemed to have noticed that they had company. They paused their practice and a couple of the volleyball players sauntered over towards you with smirks on their faces.

“Well, well, well,” one of them began with a smirk. “If it isn’t the Environment Club.”

Jinyoung folded his arms across his chest and stared the other man down. “I’d say it’s nice to see you, Minhyuk, except it really isn’t. Especially not this early in the morning on a Saturday,” he said, his tone acidic. You had to admit that Park Jinyoung’s gaze was intimidating.

Minhyuk did not look scared. He simply continued to smirk.

“I’m surprised you guys showed up at all.”

“Yeah, well we actually have some purpose behind our club, we’re not just throwing balls around for the heck of it,” Jinyoung retorted.

“Nobody cares for your moral superiority, Park. This is our part of the beach and the university gives the volleyball team exclusive permission to decide who can use it and who can’t. If you want to come pick up our trash then you’re gonna have to fight for it.”

Jinyoung chuckled. “We’re ready. Who’s your champion?”

Minhyuk turned back and yelled out a name. “Wonho, come out here!”

You watched in horror as one of the volleyball players stepped forward; he was huge. This man’s arms were thicker than most people’s entire bodies. Wonho’s shoulders took up more space than three ordinary people lined up. Even Jinyoung looked horrified and you could see the other Environment Club members murmuring among themselves in panic.

“What? Scared?” Minhyuk asked smugly. “Worried that Wonho will put your champion in the hospital?”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Uh, no. Our guy can handle him.”

“You sure?”

“Evidently you’ve never seen Jackson Wang fight.”

Minhyuk raised an eyebrow. “I’ve never seen Jackson Wang at all. Where is he?”

“He’s… coming,” Jinyoung trailed off. You looked around and saw that Jackson had disappeared from the beach completely. Did he just run away? Holy fuck. You signalled to Jinyoung that you would go find him and Jinyoung nodded gratefully before turning back to Minhyuk. “He’ll be here soon. You guys finish up your practice and we’ll meet back here in half an hour.”

Minhyuk scoffed. “Yeah. If your guy hasn’t chickened out by then.”

“Trust me. Nothing scares Jackson Wang. You better save your trashy pride, so that we can help you clean it up along with the rest of the garbage you guys have spread all over the beach.”

“We’ll see, Park. We’ll see.”

--------------------------------------

Jackson Wang was hiding behind the closed ice cream stalls.

You found him squatting on the floor behind the stall. He hadn’t been answering his phone for the past ten minutes and a furious Jinyoung had sent out a search party to find him. You were the one who finally came across him in this deserted part of the beach. Jackson blinked up at you with large eyes, looking like a puppy that had been kicked out of it’s home.

“Well, hello there,” you greeted Jackson calmly. You folded your arms and looked down at his sheepish figure. “Looking for chocolate ice cream at half past six in the morning?”

Jackson sighed miserably. “Sure, let’s go with that.”

“Let me guess what happened. This Jooheon guy stood you up?”

Jackson groaned and buried his face in his hands. “He took my money and ran. I’m going to die today. Have you seen Wonho? That guy spends more time in the gym than he does sleeping. He’s ripped. And he’s going to rip me to shreds, I’m going to die and my mother is going to be left all alone in this world because her only son got herself killed. Will you break it to her gently?”

You couldn’t help but snicker. “You got yourself into this mess.”

Jackson frowned. “Thank you for the support.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just kind of funny how confident you were earlier,” you admitted as you crouched down beside him. Jackson buried his face in his knees and you gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “You know that you have to go out there and fight somehow, right? Because if you don’t die in Wonho’s hands then I’m pretty sure Jinyoung will kill you.”

Jackson pouted. “God, I hate Jinyoung.”

“This is your fault, not his.”

“You know what would be really cool? If you could help me find a way out of this predicament instead of pointing out how I brought it upon myself,” Jackson whined. He looked at you pathetically and you felt a little bad for him. You certainly wouldn’t have wanted to fight Wonho and poor Jackson had only wanted to help with the clean-up drive.

You gave him an encouraging smile.

“You should just go out there and give wrestling Wonho a shot. I think you can do it,” you told him softly.

Jackson stared at you. “Wow.”

“What?”

“I’ve never seen you smile, you have such a beautiful smile,” Jackson told you with a sudden, dreamy grin. You flushed at the unexpected compliment and he leaned closer to nudge your shoulder with his. “It makes me want to make you smile more. What sort of things make you smile?”

You turned pink in embarrassment and cleared your throat. “Don’t you already have one impossible challenge in front of you?”

“Yeah but seeing you smile is making me feel better. I think if you gave me one more of those pretty smiles then I could totally go out there and beat Wonho up for you,” Jackson told you confidently. His dark eyes were twinkling as they stared at you. You squirmed. Nobody had ever looked you in the eyes and flirted with you as shamelessly as Jackson Wang. At least not without coming off as really sleazy.

But Jackson wasn’t sleazy.

He was…

kind of sweet?

You took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Okay. The fate of the beach was resting on this one man’s morale so the least you could do was give Jackson what he wanted and encourage him to go out there and try his best. You turned to him and gave him a warm smile.

“I think you can do this, Jackson. Just because Wonho has big muscles doesn’t mean that he’ll beat you in a wrestling match. You can probably throw him with strategy alone. All you need to do is go for his legs and keep him pinned down for a couple of seconds. How difficult can that be?”

Jackson bit his lip. “Yeah? You think so?”

“Absolutely. Come on, Wang. Do it for the fishies.”

He grinned. “Yeah, the fishies really do need saving, don’t they? Okay. I can do this. I can fight Wonho. It’s for a good cause and what’s the worst that could happen? I lose? Big deal. We’ll just admit defeat and hold a clean-up drive some other weekend.”

“That’s the spirit!”  

“And let’s be honest. If I do get myself beat up then Jinyoung will probably feel too bad for me to kill me. And if I win, then he’ll have to admit I was right!” Jackson piped up.

“Good point! Besides, imagine how cool it’ll be if you win. You’ll be the guy who beat Wonho. Everybody is going to think you’re so amazing. You’ll be the talk of the university. You’ll be the guy who was willing to sacrifice himself for a noble cause. Are you going to give up this opportunity for glory?” you egged him on.

Jackson grinned. “Yeah, people will think I’m pretty cool.”

“They will.”

“Will you think I’m cool?” he asked.

You sighed and stood up, placing your hands on your hips. Jackson was looking up at you and his big eyes were extremely hopeful. God, he’s adorable. Why is he so cute? You’d thought that Jackson was just an extremely cocky asshole but the softer and childlike side of him was too sweet.

“I’ll think you’re really cool,” you whispered reassuringly.

“You know what would be dope? If you gave me a lady’s favour, like those handkerchiefs noblewomen would give medieval knights to show that they were rooting for them?” Jackson piped up eagerly. “And in the period dramas they go all please come back alive so that you can return this to me, oh noble knight, wow, I’ve always thought that was so cool.”

You blinked at Jackson. “You want a favour?”

“Yes, please.”

“But I don’t have anything on me except my phone and keys.”

Jackson pouted. “Oh, okay.”

You sighed and placed your hands on your hips for a moment, contemplating whether this was a good idea. Then again, maybe this wouldn’t be the worst decision you’d ever made in your life.  You bent down to Jackson’s level and then beckoned him to come closer to you. What did you have to lose?

Jackson leaned forward hopefully.

You kissed his cheek quickly; it was over before you even felt his skin under his lips but he smelled heavenly and for some reason even that small scrape of his stubble and smooth skin against yours made you blush. You pulled away and looked at Jackson. His puppy-like eyes were wide in shock and you cleared your throat awkwardly.

“There. I’ve given you my favour. Now go fight.”

Jackson’s entire face lit up and he suddenly looked extremely enthusiastic. He leapt to his feet and beamed at you, wrapping you into a sudden tight hug. “You’re right. I can do this! I’m Jackson fucking Wang!” he declared.

You nodded, unable to speak because your face was pressed against his shoulder and he smelled really nice, of fresh soap and some masculine deodorant. Before you could pull away, though, Jackson released you himself. He looked down at you with a big grin and patted the top of your head fondly.

“You’re really adorable, you know that?” he demanded.

You flushed. “I’ve been told.”

“I’m gonna go wrestle with Wonho. Don’t forget to take a video of the fight so I can show everyone later, okay? Today is going to be the best day of my life!” Jackson sang happily before running off and leaving you behind. You stared after him in disbelief. You’d wanted to encourage him but you hadn’t expected him to do a complete 180 on you. Jackson Wang was just filled with surprises.

You sighed and slowly began your long walk back to the beach. Out of the corner of your eye, you spotted a vending machine. A large man was standing in front of it struggling to make the machine release a can of coke.

Wonho. You narrowed your eyes at him and as he banged the vending machine with a terrifying amount of force, you spotted a pink wristband on his arm.

Interesting.

You walked up to Wonho and gave him a polite smile.

“Hi. Do you need some help with that?”

---------------------------------

Jinyoung gave Jackson a dirty look.

“You traitor. Did you think you could just run away like that?” he hissed at him furiously. He wrapped an arm around Jackson and his fingers dug into the man’s shoulder dangerously. “If you ever pull anything like that again, I will kill you.”

Jackson laughed and slipped out of Jinyoung’s grasp. “Oh, come on. What are you all worked up about? I just needed a few minutes alone to prep myself for the fight, that’s all.”

“Yeah? You didn’t chicken out after seeing Wonho?”

Jackson puffed his chest out confidently. “What? Of course not. I’m Jackson Wang.”

The volleyball team wrapped up their practice and gathered around. A large circle was drawn in the sand for the two wrestlers to compete and all the spectators stood around it. Jackson was standing beside you and he suddenly reached for your hand and squeezed it. “Hey. Now is a good time to start filming,” he mumbled. You blinked and pulled out your cell phone just as Jackson stepped into the makeshift ring.

“All right, fuckers. You have thrown your last bit of plastic into this ocean. This ends today,” Jackson announced loudly. You watched through the screen of your phone as Jackson reached down and pulled his shirt off in one swift move. His muscles rippled under his smooth, tanned skin and you suddenly felt light-headed. He tossed the shirt aside and the flimsy cloth landed at your feet.

Jackson Wang is an idiot but fuck me, he’s hot.

The Environment Club members started up a cheer and you tried to join in while keeping the phone camera steady. “Jackson! Jackson! Jackson!”

Wonho stepped into the circle as well. He didn’t make such a big show of taking his shirt off but he did flex one of his enormous arms and send the entire volleyball team into uproarious cheers. Once the two men were staring each other down, Minhyuk stepped into the middle and lifted an arm.

“Okay, folks. We’re not pro-wrestlers so let’s keep the rules simple. First one to pin the other down onto their back and keep them down for five whole seconds wins. You have to stay inside the lines and no hitting the face, head or groin. We all want to have kids someday. Is that clear?

Jackson nodded. “Clear.”

Wonho bopped his head as well. “Yup, got it.”

“All right then! Let the match-begin!”

You were shocked by the ferocity with which Jackson boldly leapt at Wonho. Even Wonho seemed startled; he staggered back on his feet for a few seconds before finding a grip on Jackson’s shoulders and pushing him back. The two of them struggled to push each other back. You could see Jackson’s face turning pink and the muscles in his back tightening as he fought to stay standing under Wonho’s pressure.

“Fuck, he’s going to die,” Jinyoung whispered from beside you. You held the camera steady and glanced to the side to see that the club president actually looked worried. “Should we call this off? Should I tell him to come back?”

You smiled. “He’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am. This match is totally rigged.”

Jinyoung stared at you in shock just as the match slowly began to turn. Wonho began to loosen his grip and Jackson actually managed to push him a few steps back. Now, Jackson. Go. Lunge for his legs. As if he could read you mind, Jackson suddenly released his grip on Wonho’s upper body and lunged down to yank one of his legs up. Wonho went tumbling to the ground and Jackson instantly sat on top of him, pressing him down.

“Yes! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson!” the Environment Club members cheered.

Minhyuk looked heartbroken as he slowly lifted his fingers to count the seconds. “1...2…3...4….5.”

Jackson beamed and climbed off Wonho with a delighted roar of victory. A couple of the Environment Club members ran to hug him, but Jackson instead reached down to help Wonho to his feet and gave his opponent a delighted bear hug. Wonho looked flustered but Jackson simply pulled back.

“Awesome match, man. Those are some amazing pecs. What gym do you go to?” Jackson demanded with a huge smile. You were shocked to see him chatting with his opponent so casually. Didn’t they just have an intense fight?  

Wonho blinked. “Uh, the one over by the supermarket…”

“Dude, you have to introduce me to your trainer sometime. I’m gonna call you.”

“Uh, sure. Sure thing.”

Jackson grinned and lifted his arms in victory. Minhyuk was the only one who looked severely disappointed and he was about to slouch away from the scene silently until Jackson grabbed his arm and yanked him to the middle. “Hey! Don’t look so miserable, bud! Come on everyone! Let’s all go get breakfast together, coffee is on me!”

You couldn’t help but smile as you lowered the camera.

Jackson Wang is really something.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You had just grabbed a muffin and were about to sit at a table with the rest of the Environment Club members when Jackson wrapped an arm around your shoulder cheekily.

“So,” he began, steering you towards an empty table a little further away instead. His bare arm on your skin made you flush and he leaned close to you. “That was an interesting result to the match. Do you have any thoughts on why Wonho let me win?”

You flushed. “Why do you assume he let you win?”

“Maybe because he just came over and wished me good luck for my chemotherapy. I didn’t know I was starting chemotherapy. Did you know I was starting chemotherapy?” Jackson wondered cheekily. The shit-eating grin on his face told you that he’d already figured everything out so you simply rolled your eyes and flopped down onto an empty chair.

“Fine, I rigged your match. Happy?”

Jackson sat beside you and rested his elbow on the table, chin in his hand as he smiled at you.

“Tell me more.”  

“I spotted Wonho wearing one of those pink bracelets that breast cancer awareness supporters wear. I figured if he was supporting a cause like that then chances were high that he was a really soft-hearted person so I made small talk with him and slipped in that you had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.”

Jackson blinked. “Can men even get breast cancer?”

You look at the outline of Jackson’s impressive pectoral muscles through his sleeveless t-shirt and raised an eyebrow. “I think there’s enough room in there for some cancer cells if they wanted to set up shop. Anyway, Wonho got super emotional because apparently his grandmother had died of breast cancer. I didn’t even have to ask him to throw the match. He said himself that you deserved some happiness before you started chemo.”

Jackson pouted. “Wow. This really kills the victory for me.”

“You got yourself into the whole mess. Wonho would have beaten you to a pulp if I hadn’t stepped in and done that,” you pointed out with a frown.  

“Yeah,” Jackson had a mischievous grin on his face as he chuckled. “Little miss SHRC actually lied for me. I feel so special. I thought you were the goody-two-shoes self-righteous type. And yet you lied about me having cancer, tsk tsk. Were you that worried about my safety?”  

You flushed. “I didn’t do it for you.”

“Oh?”

“Nope, I did it for the fishies. Remember?”

Jackson chuckled. “The fishies. Right. And I’m sure you also-”  

He was cut off by a hesitant figure approaching your table. The man’s shoulders were slumped miserably as he lowered his head and glanced at Jackson. “Jackson, man… I am so sorry about today, I really and truly am….”

Jackson glanced at the man and grinned. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Jooheon.”

Jooheon looked miserable. “I didn’t mean to bail on you, I swear, but Minhyuk-hyung figured out our arrangement and he made me stay home today so that they could send Wonho as the champion to beat you. I promise I didn’t want to leave in you in the lurch or anything but I had no choice and-”

Jackson grinned and patted the man on the back lightly. “Yeah, yeah, it’s all forgotten. Go get yourself a coffee and sit down with us. You can buy it yourself, using the fifty bucks you cheated me out of, eh?” he joked.

Jooheon smiled. “Really? Thanks, man.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Jooheon hurried off to the counter to order a coffee for himself. You raised an eyebrow at Jackson. “That’s it?” you wondered. “The guy left you to get beat up by our university's Thor without so much as a heads up and you’re not even gonna take five minutes to get mad at him?”

Jackson blinked. “Why would I get mad at him? He’s my friend.”

“Yeah, but he ditched you.”

“I know, but holding grudges never helped anyone. I have a simple policy. Forgive… but never forget.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m not gonna waste my time getting mad at Jooheon but I also kept a mental note of the seventeen times he’s ditched me since we first met a year and a half ago, and that information is always at my immediate disposal,” Jackson told you with a grin. He poked your shoulder lightly. “Anyway. I wonder if it’s time for me to return your favour to you.”

“My favour?”

“Yeah, the little kiss you entrusted me with before the duel?” Jackson reminded you playfully. Your face flushed red as you remembered your bold move and Jackson’s smile became a little more serious. His dark eyes pierced into yours as he reached out and placed his warm hand over yours.  “I’m gonna be honest. I’m really attracted to you. I love how you don’t seem to take any bullshit but at the same time your smile is just fucking adorable. I really want to buy you dinner and get to know you and see if I can make you smile.”

You swallowed. Oh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck, why was Jackson Wang looking at you like that and shamelessly telling you he was attracted to you making you so flustered? You’d heard people say  you should smile more a million times but never had anybody told you that they wanted to make you smile. The softness of Jackson’s brown eyes was killing you.

“Uh….”

“Can we go out on a date sometime?”

You cleared your throat. “I… I would, but it’s just… um…”

Jackson blinked. “Is there a problem?”

“I kind of have a picture of your penis in my inbox, remember?” you mumbled.

Jackson’s smile fell and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly after he removed his hand from yours. “Ahh. Right. I forgot. You still think I sent that girl pictures of my dick.”

You hesitated. “She claims you did.”

Jackson sighed and looked upset. “Wow. I wish there was some way I could prove this to you but that really isn’t my dick and I’ve never sent any girl messages like that. You say you’re not even allowed to tell me who she is. How am I supposed to prove that it wasn’t me?”

“I… I don’t know, Jackson.”

“Right.”

“I’m sorry. But I’m supposed to take the victim’s side unless I have solid proof that they’re lying…”

Jackson frowned. “Yeah, no, I get that. You’re just doing your job. It’s up to me to prove that I didn’t do any of it.” He glanced up at you and gave you a sudden, enthusiastic smile. “You know what? I can do this. I’m Jackson fucking Wang. I’m gonna prove to you that that is not my penis and I’m gonna clear my name.”

You bit back a smile. “Okay.”

“And you are going to be so charmed by my sincerity that you’ll go on that date with me.”

“Okay,” you giggled.

“Get ready to be hit by the full force of Jackson Wang, expert sleuth!”

---------------------------------------------

When you got home Bambam and Yugyeom were sitting on your couch. You wished they would both just go and get girlfriends so that they weren’t constantly burning holes into your furniture, but perhaps that was too much to hope for considering their combined idiocy.

“Where were you?’ Bambam whined as soon as you entered the apartment. “You’re out of coffee.”

“This isn’t a coffee shop.”

“I know, but shouldn’t you keep the bare minimum available for when you entertain guests?” he complained. You noticed that he and Yugyeom already had a giant-sized bag of cheese puffs open on the sofa in between them. You dreaded the amount of sticky orange powder you’d have to clean off your couch cushions later. “Honestly, you have no manners.”

You ignored him and flopped into the armchair. “Do you guys want to come to the beach clean-up tomorrow morning?” you asked, pulling out one of the flyers that Jinyoung had given you earlier. “We’re gonna go pick up trash from the beach and the club is always open to volunteers.”

Bambam winced. “Yuck, no.”

“They usually hand out free beers afterwards.”

Yugyeom reached over and swiped the flyer from your hands. “Give me that. I’ll be there. Bambam might not because he has to go to the basketball court and wait for that chick to walk past on her way to the library like a loser.”

“You haven’t seen her since then?” you wondered.

Yugyeom snickered. “Oh he’s seen her. Plenty of times. He just keeps chickening out so he won’t go talk to her.”

You stared at Bambam. “Wow. Since when have you been afraid to ask girls out, Mr. playboy? I thought you were the most confident one out of all of us. You can’t even approach this girl and ask for her number?”

Bambam flushed and folded his arms across his chest with a pout. “Hey. You haven’t seen her so don’t talk. At least I can actually get girls interested in me and don’t have to wait until victims of sexual harassment come and show me unsolicited dick pics to even see the opposite sex’s genitalia, okay? You don’t get to talk.”

You cleared your throat. “Actually, uh… Jackson Wang asked me out today.”

There was a shocked silence. Yugyeom and Bambam both stared at you with wide eyes. The bag of cheese puffs fell off the couch and landed on the floor so you let out a groan. You reached out to pick it up. “Guys, not on my carpet…”

Bambam grabbed your arm. “Jackson Wang asked you out? Bitch, don’t lie to me.”

You frowned. “I’m not lying.”

“Please don’t tell me you turned him down, I feel like your stupid ass turned him down.”

“I have a picture of his penis in my email inbox, Bambam, I can’t exactly date him until I know whether or not he sent it to Nari,” you pointed out. Bambam looked distraught and even Yugyeom slapped his own forehead. You pouted while the two boys stared at you as though you were a complete buffoon. It felt odd to be on the other side of that stare.

Yugyeom sighed at you. “Jackson Wang is the most amazing guy ever.”

“Yeah. He’s awesome. He’s nice and chill and everybody loves him because he’s such a cool guy. Not to mention how insanely hot he is. He’s so fucking awesome that even straight dudes can’t hate him.” Bambam grabbed your face and forced you to look at him. “Listen, babe. If Jackson Wang asked me to suck his dick, then I would suck his dick, okay?’

You winced. “Thanks. I didn’t need to know that.”

“Do not ruin the opportunity to date a god like Jackson Wang because some stupid bitch got her dick pics mixed up. You are going to regret it.”

You sighed.

I really, really hope I don’t.

------------------

[leostudyblr]

studying sucks as someone with adhd/add

and that’s not talked about nearly enough! in general and in the studyblr community.

i’m making this “guide” (of sorts) to, at the very least, let adhd/add ppl who struggle in school know that they’re not alone!

(also, just for reference, for the rest of this post i will be referring to adhd and add people as just adhd, because that is the official diagnosis for both. just know that i’m not excluding y’all inattentive types!!)

btw: neurotypical/non adhd studyblr are allowed and 100% encouraged to reblog this post!

distractions. my mortal enemy

writing this post is literally my distraction from writing my english essay. which is weird because i’m actually interested in the topic of my essay!

so why am i hyperfocusing on something completely unnecessary?

in short, because dopamine! that bastard.

long version is that people with adhd have unusually low levels of dopamine (the happy chemical, if you weren’t aware!) in their brain. this makes it extremely hard to stop doing something that is giving you dopamine and switch to something that won’t give you that sweet sweet dopamine.

in my case, it means that it’s hard to stop writing this post (which is about something i’m very passionate about, albeit hypocritical of me) and write my essay (which i’m also passionate about, but that includes writing an essay).

also, under this category i’d like to mention something that i found on the wikipedia page for hyperfocus that is just a great explanation of adhd!

“Some types of ADHD are a difficulty in directing one's attention (an executive function of the frontal lobe), not a lack of attention.”

thanks, wikipedia! what a nice helpful source. (note: wikipedia is a great resource that we all use, but that doesn’t mean you are bound to donate. don’t, if you don’t want to. they don’t have a fundraiser going on at the time of writing this, but.... still. don’t feel bad. other people will donate, and wikipedia will stay running.)

^ can you tell i’m adhd. geez. ok moving on

(another sidenote: apparently i lied. as soon as i went on another wikipedia page, they asked me to donate. damnit)

how do i... stop getting as distracted?

first off, understand that hyperfocus/lack of focus is part of your condition. you are not broken or “bad” for not being able to focus on what you need/want to.

try a pomodoro timer. this has literally saved me so much.

try a pomodoro... with friends! let them keep you accountable and working on what you need to.

have you been watching youtube for 3 hours and haven’t gotten out of bed that entire time? get up. get moving, walk to your kitchen and get a snack! some water, for god’s sake. take your snack time to think about what you need to work on and decide on one thing to do before you get another snack.

“but i can’t do just one task at a time! i’m better at multitasking!”

might i suggest fidget toys? i used to say that i was great at multitasking—no. no one is good at multitasking, it’s just not human nature to multitask. just trust me on this one, aight?

btw, sleep. not sleeping will only make it harder to focus on the things you have to do!!

if you take meds: take your frickin meds, dude. like seriously. take them.

if you don’t take meds and want to: talk to your doctor asap. tell them your concerns, and how adhd affects your life on a daily basis. and stimulant meds are not the only option!! be open to suggestions from your doctor, but if you feel like they don’t get what you’re going through: you gotta tell them again. give them more info, because what you tell them is literally the only way they’ll know something is wrong.

getting. overwhelmed. a trap that’s too easy to fall into

lord knows i’ve been overwhelmed. i’m overwhelmed right now. maybe you’ve been sick, or there was a really hard assignment in this class or that, and you had an exam in three classes over a two day time period—i get it. and you felt like this was your year! you were doing so well! but now you have late work in multiple classes and you’re not sure what to actually... do for those assignments.

a lot of this overwhelmed business has to do with not knowing how to start. you have this pile of work to do, how are you supposed to do any of it when there’s just so much and you know you can’t possibly get it all done.

“try and do one thing,” people will say

“just start! it’ll be easier once you start,” people will continue saying

“but it’s too much,” you’ll argue

“you don’t have to do all of it,” they’ll argue back, and you’ll realise that they’re right but it’s so easy for them. for you it’s like pulling teeth to start writing that essay outline or to start working on those chemistry problems. it feels like there’s no point if you don’t finish it—if you can’t turn it in, what’s even the point?

hey. i feel you. ppl w/o executive dysfunction just don’t understand how your brain works differently. and that’s not your fault.

the main thing i can say is: talk to people who do understand. 

your friends that have seen you struggling in school forever? they get it. maybe they don’t understand exactly how you do things differently, but they see the grief you go through each year just to survive.

if you don’t talk to people about what’s going on in your life, you’re gonna explode. like actually.

so how do i stop from getting overwhelmed?

talk about your stress early on, before it’s “too late”

that said, it’s never too late. it is NEVER too late to get help.

you got friends who have the same classes as you? have you made friends in your classes? ask them for clarification on assignments, if it’s too scary to go to the teacher.

i know that for me, at least, it doesn’t even cross my mind to ask my teacher about these supposedly silly thing! but i’ve started trying to take into account that if it’s preventing me from knowing where to start something, it’s not silly. it’s something that i need to ask about.

if you can afford to do so, consider asking your doctor if they can refer you to a therapist. this comes from someone with zero experience in therapy (altho i really want to! it just hasn’t worked out that way yet.), so take it with a HEAVY grain of salt. i just know that from other’s experiences, it has helped them immensely.

self esteem. what’s that?

with all this getting distracted and overwhelmed, it’s easy to confuse your adhd with yourself. yes, you have adhd, but it’s not all of you. and did you know that adhd people have enhanced creativity? you probably did, actually. isn’t it amazing that people with adhd have figured out how to persevere and live in a world not built for us!

now, i’d like to address some common self-esteem issues in adhd individuals and why it’s all your brain tricking you!

feeling down about our abilities.

this can mean not feeling good enough when you fail to do something that you previously thought you could do easily.

this is your brain trying to tell you that you can do better than this, but the signal is getting messed up somewhere along the way! when something doesn’t turn out as well as you want it to, you have to take that and push down the urge to beat yourself up about it and use that disappointment and turn it into self improvement!

comparing ourselves to neurotypical people.

“why can everyone else do it, and not me?”

because your brain isn’t built to work like that, silly! you need to think hard about why you can’t do it the same way as them—and find a way to accomplish the same goal but with a method that works for you.

it feels like we get more criticism than praise.

listen. maybe you are getting more criticism than praise—and that sucks! like absolutely, positively fuckin sucks. but more than likely:

that’s the rsd baby. your mind naturally takes criticism as a personal attack, AND it amplifies it in your mind! double whammy, if you will. this is why having someone to talk to who supports you is so important, so you can have an outside source telling you that you don’t deserve to feel like shit. because you don’t.

thanks for getting through this post ☺

all bases of the art in this post come from this website of open source sketchy illustrations!!

i sincerely hope that this has been at all helpful. if you have anything to add onto this post i encourage you to do so! if you have any questions about anything in this post, feel free to hmu at my ask box !!!