#this is whatever idefk anymore

[desperatelyneedcoffee]

Dick getting tortured as Nightwing and two large lines are sliced into his back, almost perfectly symmetrical, vertical lines. It looks like wings have been cut off. The scar only thickens and is raised. He eventually does take his shirt off and word goes round that he can no longer fly. That he's not able to do what he did so many years ago. He's a bird that can no longer fly to some people. He can but moving his back too far only brings pain. His form isn't quite the same. He battles through the pain though like the way he was taught. He can still fly despite what people are saying. He is still a Flying Grayson. He never fell. He's not his parents. He's not Barbara. He's not Jason. He is Dick Grayson, The Flying Grayson and he will continue to soar even when his so called wings are gone. This only brings Dick to overwork himself to prove a point. He needs to show everyone that he is alive and well and can fly higher than anyone else. He'd put on a show for them if possible. If Bruce would let him. But would he suffer the same fate that his parents did just to prove a point that was meaningless to everyone but him? Who knows. (Haven't decided whether he does the show or not but killing him off would be cool.)

[pink-lemonadefairy]

🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳

[audiovisualrecall]

Sitting around scrolling tumblr on my phone on Rosh Hashanah (after AM services) even tho I didn't want to be using tech, or at least was going to try to use it less, but I just... I don't want to sit and read or take a nap, but I'm not supposed to draw or write or do any work, but I'm so sick of my job and I'm like I have a little motivation to just look into other options, other jobs, grad programs, whatever, but I feel like I shouldn't do any of that today, but I can't do anything else productive, but I don't have another day off until Yom Kippur and I definitely don't use my phone or do work or any of that then, even if I don't fast, and then I'm back to work the next day after that which idk why I didn't request the 13th off bc it's not like going to services on a high holiday is really the same as a day off where I don't have anything like that to do? Like I don't have a day to work on art or my etsy shop or my website or job hunt until the week after. And I never really get stuff done on my 2 days off a week bc I Also have laundry and other things to do, and I will want to rest and recover from work, do nothing at all, without having to be exhausted by hours of standing at shul...like it's important to me to go and be there, I'm not complaining abt that, I'm complaining abt having to work tomorrow thru Thursday, and then back to work next Sunday thru whenever, and just.... I need to take a week off but my boss isn't jewish so to him THIS was basically a week off for me, so I'm not likely to be able to squeeze in a week off before Thanksgiving which is a no time off requests week anyway, and tbh I don't really want to be there anymore by Thanksgiving, but I don't have any time to work on finding another option that will include health insurance, and I'm just too tired when I get home from work in the afternoons/evenings, especially now my boss has me working really stupid hours. Like theyre trying to get me to quit or something idefk. (Like multiple not-technically-a-clopen shifts, like late mid on a Monday, opening on a Tuesday, late mid Wed, opening Thurs. Why???? Because he sucks he's a terrible boss and I'm so done with him and his attitude, he has turned the team from a fairly interactive group to a toxic environment to work in, with ridiculous expectations of us. Fr.) And I'm so done in so tired I hate this job and I hate that I hate it because it was actually SO good for a long time, I've been there nearly 4 years (started Oct 30th 2020, actually) abd it was my first full time job, my first real job tbh (blick was a seasonal position), and our original boss was such a good boss but the store leadership thought he was a bad boss probably because he was too nice for their liking (they also got rid of the 2 guys in store leadership who were super nice by sending them to other store) and even then it wasn't TOO bad bc our next boss was a good boss even if he wasn't as nice, and then he moved up to store leadership so my current boss Finally got to be in charge and he SUCKS at it. Anyway. Hate it and I hate that I hate it bc I loved it and I still enjoy aspects of it but I'm just miserable or worried or stressed or exhausted all the time, and I want to LIVE, maybe it's bc I live with my parents who are retired. Anyway so. Going back to where this started. I'm on my phone even tho I don't want to bc I want to do stuff that is definitely more like Work but I feel like I Can't do those things bc it's Rosh Hashanah, but I shouldn't be on my phone either Or I should do those things instead bc they'll help me secure my future vs just wasting time bc I'm Stuck, and I'm going to resent having to go to work tomorrow, and then I'll go to sleep late and get to work late probably which won't help anything. Or I could get off my phone and take a nap or read a book instead, I'm sure I'll still resent everything and be irritable later and tomorrow but I don't want to be using tech and scrolling tumbkr is just...like, that's what I always do, this is a day for not doing what I always do, my normal business, yknow.

[okialy]

how does this even work

I've had this account for almost a year but honestly I have no clue how tumblr works LMAO

It's probably a miracle if you're seeing this because tbh idek if I posted it

I wonder who i'm talking to anyway damn

Uhhhhh introduction idk

Im trilingual, english isnt my first language but tbh I treat it as one because I know it best out of my 3 lmao

I'm learning french and german, spanish but I basically gave up kinda, and japanese just for fun

I like drawing (so original ikr)

I'm pangender, so idk percieve me as anything??? (Okay not anything because I dont identify as kitchen appliances obviously)

Any pronouns? Tbh I dont care, i just dont like they them that much

I like reading, especially if it means that I can collect books, because I just like how they look on shelves

I like some games and shows and stuff, and have joined some fandoms, and they are:

Danganronpa (yeah I know, I know, but it's still my brainrot if you're talking about thh)

Voltron (I know. the fandom is long gone and I started liking it a bit too late oops)

The dragon prince (in love fr)

Omori (still a brainrot after like what, 2 years? More? Idefk how that's possible but it is lmao)

Phoenix Wright (at the time I'm writing this, then like, I'm not even halfway into the saga??? How much Phoenix Wright stuff even is there????)

Harry Potter (not a brainrot anymore, but I still love it with all my heart)

Warrior Cats (what can i say?)

Saiki K (love love love)

The music freaks (gasp massive gasp exploding head emoji, I enjoy gacha yes)

And then there is more that I cant remember at the moment, that I havent finished yet, or that idk, I'm not that obsessed about tbh lmao

What else??? Do people still care about zodiacs or mbtis because??

Tbh idk what to add so sure, I'm an aries and either an esfp or enfp ⛹️‍♀️

Lastly, I will lose my marbles if I see anyone calling me oakley or okaily or whatever magnificent abomination you have made of my name 😭💀💀

Its Okialy. Period. If you still cant spell it then you can call me any name that starts with a J I guess 💔💔💔

no way, you reached the end

You wasted valuable time of your life on reading this

You're welcome

[xxscreamdominikxxstuff-blog]

I’m never gonna be good enough for this place

[milktyama]

— ☕︎ JJK'S BIG TIDDIE COMMITTEE

synopsis: you get the idea, you and jjk's big tiddie men

a/n: i have no explanation for this but i hope you enjoy

— haikyuu version

includes: fushiguro toji, kamo choso, nanami kento, ryomen sukuna

genre: ... idefk anymore, suggestive, crack, fluff!!

twc: 873

❥︎ one swear word, manga spoilers (BIG spoilers on nanami's), -16 shoooooo do not touch this post >:(

FUSHIGURO TOJI — wc: 214

can i just start with, wow

no clue how often he works out but he kept his man tiddies big (as bm would say)

anyways toji the big tiddie man would adore to tease you when he realizes you loved his muscular chest

((i also feel he would lowkey make jokes like he had bigger one than you aklfjlskdjfldskjg))

dont quote me on that idk where that came from

anyways even though he loves teasing you about he cant help but let you indulge in it too

he especially likes it when you two kiss and then both of your hands mutually roam around your bodies but yours kinda like,,, stay on his chest lmao

not that he’s complaining

he holds a lot of pride on the fact that you like his tiddies

omg he really likes it when you’re sitting on his lap and then your chest is pressing up against him, doesnt matter if you dont have as much meat as him aljalkdjfgh

‘cause let’s be honest, toji is an extremely well built man and even though he always has a shit eating grin on his face he likes the intimacy

also probably loves it when you mindlessly massage his tiddies, reassures him that you subconsciously think about them or something AHAHAH

KAMO CHOSO — wc: 250

even though he just wears whatever outfit he’s wearing and it’s fairly lose i know that choso has big tiddies bc that man is a well built man

and he’s just so :( <3 about it

his favorite thing ever is literally just cuddling and having you rest on his tiddies like a pillow

bonus points when you turn to face him but you’re kinda lying on him on your stomach so when you try to face him your face is still kinda buried on his tiddies and when you try to talk it a little muffled

… he’ll sometimes pump a little extra blood into his tiddies so its swells a little more so you can have a slightly more comfortable human(ish) pillow of him

will 120% melt whenever you two are like hugging and stuff that his large build makes you feel safe *screams into a pillow* and you’d joke how majority of it is thanks to his tiddies JHAJHF

omg please shower his tiddies with lots of love he will pass out from how much he loves you right that moment

pepper his chest with kisses, give him massages, tell him how peaceful and safe you feel when you’re hugging him, just :( <3

im yearning sorry

but yea <3 as you bury your face onto his chest, his heart swells as he brings his large and slightly rough hands and give you headpats while he openly gushes how much he loves spending time with you like that

NANAMI KENTO — wc: 209

at first he’ll be so confused as to why you were so into his chested area like, everyone has meat and muscle in the chest area, some more than others etc etc

though he quickly got used to your extra attention towards that region

he isn’t the type to initiate any physical of intimate touch so he kinda appreciates it when he comes home from work and you just launch yourself towards him and of course, his tiddies

on that note, he also surprisingly appreciates when you offer him to massage his tiddies lol

of course you would massage him shoulder and other muscles too as his job as a sorcerer is pretty physically demanding, but you would sneakily pay more attention to his tiddies, and he really doesn’t mind anymore, it’s you after all

if he actually pulled through with his like kinda retirement plan in malaysia, you two would spend so much time cuddling somewhere outside your little secluded house on the beach, listening to the waves crashing on the shore as he reads a book in peace

the fresh smell of the ocean is relaxing, the warm sun, and laying on nanami’s tiddies is honestly a dream come true

unfortunately it cant happen obvious unsaid reasons :((

RYOMEN SUKUNA — wc: 200

im not talking about 1-4 fingers sukuna that yuji consumed no no no

im talking about sukuna’s true form

although yes it is very intimidating and scary, god were his tiddies big

well i guess it comes with having like four arms and just like more raw power as a curse, but DAMN his tiddies in his true form are so big ALKFDKSLJF

ok but this man is SO sadistic he’ll literally make you beg to even touch his tiddies

like im talking about the deepest bow and show utmost respect and then he’ll maybe consider

but when he DOES budge and let you enjoy his true form’s large build, let’s just say you’re in for a ride

lmao i wanna be funny and say his tiddies are actually very bouncy so when you play with them they just boing JAHAJSKFH

ok sorry the real juicy part is when he forces your face in between his chest and he kinda suffocates you a little but it’s not enough to actually put you in any danger he just like pushing you on the edge of your seat

… though you probably dont complain so i guess it’s a win win lmaoalfjdh

taglist (form here) : @nvritoshi @i-eren @michiyonakamura @katsulovee

[spnreactionblogging]

CARRY ON

spoilers below but I’m very late to the game

here we go!!! there's Some Woman in the thumbnail for this episode and I'm like oh boy did you fuckers turn castiel into a girl to make it Not Gay, I will riot. we're off to a dread-inducing start I'm honestly not even sure I want to watch this? I have not heard anything good but since my options are either keep SPN blacklisted forever but ultimately get spoiled anyway, or use my dwindling remaining time to see it for myself without being told what happens, may as well be on my own terms I am hearing that misha and possibly j2 were not happy with this, whatever this is (?????) yikes I don't understand how you even have another episode after the last one. that seems like a traditional ending. you either beat a dead horse or go ultra meta and it sounds like they dropped the ball, big time but let's see jack's sweet and deserved better. there's a clock but it's NOT heat of the moment playing, damn oh the dog. we love you miracle dog sam's still jogging where's eileen!!!! I like seeing sam cooking I actually enjoy watching them do domestic stuff dean sneaking food to the dog 😭 can this be the whole episode, just them doing chores I meant to catch which book sam was reading I can't tell but it looks like it's old this is extra bonus sad for knowing that they couldn't even like, have a wrap party or anything. extra isolated. :( SPECIAL GUEST STAR JIM BEAVER!!! "Are you sure you're ready for this?" "Oh, I don't have a choice." dean hasn't been this relatable to me in years, this is how I feel watching this lmao akron pie fest dean dies of complications from diabetes god I miss bakeries or restaurants or anything I do love Sad Sam Face "I"'m thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here." thank you Sam that pain isn't going away for me either "stop being an eeyore" Sam's the Eeyore of the series, Dean, okay, and same lmao jared fucking slammed that pie into jensen's face and they just filmed it. you can see the actual glee on his face brady??? like sam's old classmate? wasn't that his name? or no some kid. is this just a regular-ass monster of the week. do sam and dean just get killed by like. regular people? are there no monsters anymore. I would actually love that. humanity is truly the worst monster of all. didn't we learn that in season 1 :') in "the benders" are these guys sam and dean? are they just murdering monster families like they did in the holiday episode? what is happening. are those dean's shoes. I could probably recognize how they walk if I really paid attention i guess not. probably. "singer and kripke, FBI" ha fucking clowns lmao poor sam they still have dad's journal, huh. THE LORE evil mimes. vamp-mimes. I guess they kill these dudes? we gonna unmask them or what there we go this guy looks like joseph gordon-levitt oh we love torture on this show this is definitely "dean who's NOT the ultimate killer" amirite "if those kids are dead he's gonna use a spoon" how very walter sullivan of you also I feel like sam would not do this anymore but hey who am I, someone who likes consistent characterization? lol we're back to creepy barns instead of wet pipe factories dean has a fucking shuriken lmao I honestly for real need a machete for the overgrown weeds I don't hate this so far? I'm tired of the constant torture but I guess this feels like early seasons, kind of. idk. lmao sam with the concussions. classic tie them to a chair. it's what we do. i will be disappointed if they are not tied to a chair jenny? cue studio killers. I do not remember whatever episiode this is but it looks very early based on sam's hair oh thanks sam. couldn't get out of this episode without beheading a woman too one of the suggestions for me typing "woman" was a high-heeled shoe emoji. thanks, predictive text...?????? true feminist oh damn he could very well get tetanus from that. that's how trinity dies, man. should've gotten your booster shot, dean. vaccines save lives this is like the plot of signs why don't you guys wear bulletproof shit. your plot armor was holding you together until now. GUYS THIS IS HOW HUNTERS GO OKAY don't ever un-impale someone, guys like "dean we are in a major city, there are ambulances" call fucking 911, someone could be there already "I've always looked up to you" because you're taller than me lmaoooo idefk what to say about this like. we all know this is how hunters die. you fucking leered at jessica is what you did, dean if sam makes it out of this I'll accept it. if sam lives I can be okay. if this is the only way sam gets free of this, I'm okay. CALL 911 AND CALL JACK "always keep fighting" aw :( they're both very good at crying, I will give them that we never think it's gonna be the day. at least you got pie. OH THE WINCHESTER FAMILY MUSIC don't do this to me dean got a way better death than castiel. this actually reminds me a liiiiittle bit of the end of season 2? with how dean holds sam's body. the writing here is overwrought though. jared and jensen do the best they can with the script they're given but like you guys just FOUGHT GOD. they're a bit too up their own ass with this. you can tell that dabb thinks he's very clever. sam... gets a dog again? at least. i guess. the pacing is bad. I don't hate this on principle but it is not executed well. I am having like no emotional response to this except maybe relief for sam in a horrid way. like, you're free! at what cost. it's like the opposite of season 5? sam survives instead of dean. and... sam marries a dog. where do they get all this fucking lumber!!! did sam chop that all himself dude if he woke up to "heat of the moment" i'd lose my shit in the best way. gabriel wins. "gotta keep you on your toes." what had to change in this because of the pandemic? at least sam has a dog to be in scenes with him. the two guns as big and little brothers is an interesting choice of a shot. god the fucking phones. "DHS" "CIA" "dean's 'other other' phone" "state patrol" what's the paperwork on his desk? (512) is an Austin area code I have this on amazon prime and the saddest thing thus far is X-Ray: Jared Padalecki as Sam Winchester, with no other actors at all. meta ways, pandemic related. "this is agent bon jovi" donna's alive??? sam just quit, babe. just quit. or take a day off at least, jesus. didn't you just drive back from ohio are you even gonna go back to the bunker DEAN IN HEAVEN!!! how'd you get here. "well at least I made it to heaven" lmao he said the same thing oh hey bobby!! I love jack god i've missed jim beaver you guys moved on to dream bubbles!!!!! RUFUS how very homestuck + narnia of you, starring sam winchester as susan pevensie so jack just like melded all of these metaphysical spaces, I'm cool with that "so the question is what are you gonna do now, dean?" get a better beer so I can drink and drive with my car that's in heaven, I'm already dead so who cares what I hit TELL ME WHERE IS BALTHAZAR FOR I MUCH DESIRE TO SPEAK WITH HIM break everyone out of the empty I do get the impression this was supposed to be a big cast reunion and the pandemic clobbered that :( oh it's the original license plate on the impala sure do love that cas and jack "helped" to give dean everything he's ever wanted. the only time "carry on my wayward son" has been diegetic I guess sam and the dog had a child I like jared in glasses are we doing a bunch of elderly makeup yeah there he is did they just spray grey temp dye on his hair or what is sam gonna drive into toluca lake!!! buddy please don't just run the engine in a garage, he took off his glasses and that makes me nervous jake gyllenhaal looking dude which cover is this must be nice to have healthcare I so appreciate that sam's wife has zero personality and is merely in the background, of no importance whatsoever compared to his kid named dean are the two impalas gonna meet in heaven????? vancouver is beautiful, or wherever this is at jared looks so cozy in that coat you can tell j2 really do love each other for real the majesty of that forest/that river got me choked up a bit, it's such a lonely thing. like. I can see what they were going for? like dean just... getting sick, falling off a ladder, getting in a car accident, etc etc would've been more potent, I think. the execution was not good. I'm not that unhappy though. it's all right. eh. it's fine. the heartfelt message from the cast (what's left of them....) and the crew was sweet. I want to know what they were intending to do? I feel like you can definitely feel the weight of COVID fucking this up which is genuinely upsetting. sam gets like 50 years of being free of dean I GUESS???? perhaps the only way to break the cycle.

at least there was no sexual assault in this episode. i have definitely watched way worse episodes of this show. it's like. twee. but I can't be mad at these guys especially with how much I know jared in particular has been struggling with the state of the world this year but jensen talked about it with rosenbaum on his show too. 2020 has been rough. like. at least they filmed it. whatever. I feel like I get what they were trying to do even if circumstances meant it wasn't really pulled off. it seems like they were supposed to have a big cast reunion and the pandemic took the wind completely out of their sails. this feels incredibly tacked on. 15x19 would've been a much better place to stop. I feel like I just read andrew dabb's notes. I get what they were trying to go for but they didn't pull it off. I thought it was gonna be a lot worse tbh in summary: EHHHHHHHHH

[quentineliot]

Ok so ordered some clothes that I'm really hyped about. The dopamine or Serotonin or whatever helped for the time being and tomorrow I get to check the mail because I HAVE AN AWESOME KEYCHAIN

There's more clothes I'm planning to get (not a lot of what I own fits me anymore) and since I'm getting them from China and a lot of them go off of chinese sizing, combined with the fact that idefk my size anymore by any countries standard, and we measured all my places for my binder a few months(?) ago.

But now my binder feels like it's not fitting how it did. As if I've gained weight. Could I hop on the scale and check? Sure. But that'll only harm my mental health.

TLDR clothes make me feel good when they fit and I've started ordering jeans with elastic waistbands instead of buttons

[hypaalicious]

i've come to that point where idefk what to do and/or what i want in life, like idk if u can relate but im currently on a diet but i dont feel happy or anything at all. its supposed to make me lose weight and at least make me look presentable especially when i go to work but i dont feel anything except i keep thinking, "people dont accept me the way i am, so thats why i have to lose weight" (1/3)

because you know, i know, i understand the benefits of losing weight, i /do/ know, but at the same time i keep questioning, “is this the right thing to do? am i happy like this?” and the answer keeps turning up, no, no i’m not happy. it’s sad but i still have to do it bc my family wants me to, and they’re p supportive of it but, like, it makes me question if im not good enough for them the way i am/was (2/3)

like all i want is to be happy, man, happy and confident and every thing that i see, feel, touch, taste, smell, nothing feels like it matters anymore. at some point i keep thinking if i should just, idk take a knife or whatever and like end it bc i keep thinking that nobody likes me the way i am anymore. that im not acceptable the way i am and thats the cold hard truth, the real fact, and its.. its sad. (3/3)

I… really hate the pressure society puts on people to be skinny like it’s the biggest defining factor of your worth as a human being, because it’s most definitely not true at all. People who perpetuate this belief ain’t worth shit, people who drop faux-concern about “health” ain’t worth even shittier shit, and overall the fat-phobia in this damn world can cease any fucking day rn.

If you’re not happy trying to force yourself into a diet, then fuck that shit. Yolo. Diets are hard enough as they are for most people embarking on them out of their own motivation, let alone someone like you who seems to have been forced into it at the behest of people who don’t even appreciate you for the person you are. That’s not the way to go. Being physically “healthy” while mentally downtrodden isn’t an upgrade. You won’t feel achieved at any progress. Negative reinforcement isn’t the business.

You are NOT your weight. You are way more than that. What you’re experiencing rn ain’t healthy. It’ll lead to this state of depression and self-loathing that you’re going through because it’s brought on through negative reinforcement.

I’m not sure of your financial capabilities rn, anon, but I definitely recommend seeking out a therapist through this trying time. Not only are they there to help you manage downward spirals in thought, they also can become pillars of support and an actual friend that I think you physically need to help you weather this unfortunate storm you’ve got going on in your life. It’s a false assumption to believe that absolutely no one cherishes you for who you are, but it’s easy to fall into that when you’re trapped in the same circle of negativity with no escape.

Happiness and confidence can be yours as you wish… you just need the right tools and good support to help you get there. *hugs*

[breakmyreddieheart]

tAG

Tagged by @i-believe-in​ and @stansbill

Rules: Answer these 30 questions about yourself and tag 20 people you wanna see do this too.

Nicknames: Pringle (it’s literally my surname)

Gender: mtf

Star Sign: Pisces

Height: 178 cm I have no idea what that is in feet’n’inches

Sexuality: whatever really

Time: 07:46 GMT

Birthday: March 20th

Favourite band: From Indian Lakes

Favourite solo artist: idefk everyone I like that much is groups apparently

Song stuck in your head: Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears (for like THREE DAYS)

Last movie seen: Thor: Ragnarok

Movie I want to see: INFINiTY WARRRRRRRR

Last TV show watched: Brooklyn 99

Why did you create your blog: Someone complained about me posting reddie stuff on my main (since my main has always been pretty aesthetic af) so I created a blog where I can pool all the feels in one place and give people the reblogs!

Last thing you googled: Animal Crossing New Leaf hair guide cause I’m trying to get my character’s hair cut enough times to unlock female hairstyles!!i!

Why the URL: I was reading all these reddie fics and hc’s that were literally making me cry and feel emotions, and that’s a big deal when depression lets me feel fuck all most of the time, so I named my blog as a challenge - write them trasgic love stories! break my heart! fuck me up, fam!

I follow: wow 207 (I bet half of those aren’t even active anymore tho)

Followers: 42 on this account

Average Hours of Sleep: 6ish? My cat has been waking me up super early

Lucky Number: 3

Instrument: guitar, drums, bass and piano

What are you wearing: pyjamas cause I’m writing this in bed lol

Dream job: Partner at a design agency

Dream trip: road trip seeing cool cities and magical forests

Favourite food: bacon

Favourite song right now: don’t do this to me ;-; so many

Top three universes: Marvel cinematic/616, Destiny, The Elder Scrolls

Last book I read: IT 

I tag as many people as I can be bothered to:

@richietoaster , @vimra , @starstruck-stargazing , @ailecstuff , @80srichie , @i-believe-in , @get-fcking-reddie and @finnpresidentwolfnard

[sir-camelot]

I’ve already talked about this to a few close friends the past week, but I think I’ve finally hit the bottom. Usually my depression cycles, I’m happy for a time, then I’m sad for a time. It hasn’t cycled in -months-. I have been falling further and further down the rabbit hole and finally can’t take it anymore.

I’ll be calling my insurance (likely this week or next) and looking into a possible therapist or counselor situation, get formally diagnosed with whatever the fuck is wrong with me and at this point in my life I’m ready for whatever it takes. I’d like to try and stay away from meds if I can still, but if it’s bad enough I’ll bite the bullet and try and find something in hopes of feeling like a normal functioning adult.

I’m just tired. Tired of how things are. Constantly exhausted and anxious. Lately the absolute smallest things can trigger panic attacks or the shittiest downswings in my mood. My anxiety is almost constantly turned up to max and coupled with the sluggishness of my depression it's like what I imagine being on an upper and a downer at the same time must feel like, idefk.

One part of me is screaming, the other is apathetic to the world.

[ladybug-journal]

Medicine doesn't do anything. It doesn't make me not want to or want to cut more or less. It's literally just me and whatever happens in my life because of the things that I say or do. When I fuck up, I hate myself and I want to cut. And when I want to cut, I do. When I start making decisions that are productive and put my life in a good direction, I don't want to cut. It doesn't have anything to do with what medicine I was taking. I'm a shitty person who doesn't deserve sympathy because I hurt people for my own benefit. I push them away and tell them terrible things so that they will hate me and leave me alone so that I won't have to deal with them. I won't hurt them anymore or take advantage of them if they aren't here. I push them away for a reason. I hate myself for a reason. I cut because I hate myself and it helps me sleep. I don't think I want to die. But I don't know how else to deal with all the pain I feel inside from all the fuck ups I've made. And idk how to deal with what a shitty person I am, other than cutting. Before I started I just kept it inside or cried. I haven't cried in so long. I feel so numb but I'm hurting so much too. I'm just fucked up and stupid and dramatic and embarrassed of myself and I hate everything that I'm writing. I don't want anyone to have yo deal with my shit. I should just deal with my shit myself and not ruin anyone else's time with my bullshit. It's pathetic how weak I am. Looking for excuses to fall apart. I have people who care about me and I can't be good for them. Because I'm a bitch and because I hate myself and because idefk.

[dancing-the-hellfire-rumba]

Smile

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: MAJOR ANGST, TRIGGERS, tiny bit of fluff, terrible writing

Summary: At this point idefk

Word Count: 1.6K

Prompt/ Challenge/ Host: This is for the 1K celebration challenge of @jpadjackles​ (here is the original post) My Prompt was “Smile” by R5 

Majorly inspired by this: Hereisavideo (please watch it if you’re interested in the subject. It’s a good friggin speech)

A/N: I am so not happy with this. I pressured myself to do it because I had no inspiration up until like 4-5 days earlier but when I attempted to make my idea work it didn’t. I have no time to re-make this and I’m afraid it doesn’t really serve the prompt. I’m so sorry for this. Also sorry for the angst. IT’s been a rough couple of days. This A/n is too long. Have some pain:

Two hundred and fifty three days earlier

It felt strange to have control over my life for once. Liberating. Knowing it was my choice and my choice only if it was to end. It was my choice if I would let the railing go, my choice if I would close my eyes and become one with the ground, my choice if I would give up or hold on, keep going. In that moment I was the one calling the shots. I was the one that decided. And I loved it.

The railing was cold and sharp, the rust scratching my skin. My arms were holding on, slowly stretching to only my fingers while the wind slapped my cheeks violently. I shivered furiously at the freezing bite of air through my thin choice of clothing and the metal pressing up against my back.

Everything felt numb.

My heartbeat was surprisingly slow and my mind surprisingly still. When I had thought over this moment again and again, multiple times in the past, I believed the thoughts in my head would be screaming and howling, running around and scratching the inside of my skull. But they weren’t.

Below the overpass was, fifty or so feet down, a rusty chain-linked fence topped with three strings of barbed wire. So the only thing I was thinking with my collapsing perception was how far out I had to jump so I won’t fall on the fence ‘cause I just didn’t want anything to hurt anymore.

Should I hang in there for just one more day?

It always comes to that, doesn’t it? That one sliver of hope, etched inside of me. For what? To be the crazy one? I’ve held on for this long, why would I keep trying what hasn’t been working? But what if my chance is tomorrow? What if tomorrow is the day that I escape from this turmoil?

Having agency over my life for a change was a satisfying feeling. So I stood there, with my eyes closed, and drowned in it.

I can’t tell you how long I stayed there.

What I can tell you is that, at some point flashing lights appeared from my right, and that’s where my decision was made.

Slowly my arms became weightless. I felt them lift up and my body torturously, at a snail’s pace, tip forward. The air wafted past my limbs and blew through my hair. It felt good. It felt free. I tilted further.

Suddenly, a strong arm pulled me back on the railing.

One hundred and ninety four days earlier

“DEAN!” I screamed, squirming around.

“I can’t hear ya sweetheart” he smirked evilly and straddled my legs. “You gonna give in yet?” He let his fingers dance along my clothed belly

“NEVER!” I laughed, trying to push the asshole off of me.

“Whatever you say” He shrugged and continued torturing me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pry them off and he knew it. I was no match in strength with the cocky bastard.

“OKAY, okay!” He paused and looked at me expectantly. His fingers lingered on my sides, a subtle threat. “I mean you’re eh looking” I smirked. He started, once again, tickling me, making me scream in laughter and try to wiggle away from him. It didn’t work. “FINE, FINE, YOU’RE HOT AS FUCK”I yelled and he stopped, laughing at me

“I knew you had the hots for me” Even his eyes were laughing and I freaking loved it. The way they crinkled in the corners when he was grinning at me or his brother.

We stayed like that for God knows how long, simply staring at each other. I think Dean started leaning towards me at some point, but I didn’t pay attention to it until he was between my legs, supporting his weight on his elbows, his face barely inches from mine.

“God, what can I do to make you smile like that” he let the heavy question linger in the air like a weightless cloud

Suddenly the playful mood dropped.

I stared at his beautiful green-apple-colored eyes for a while.

“Stay with me” I placed my hands on his cheeks and smiled again “just stay with me”

Ninety days earlier

His finger burned a torturously slow path on the bare skin of my arm trailing to my hip and back. I shivered.

He had been nothing but gentle. This entire time I had spent with him, he was nothing but caring and sweet and my support. Additionally, I was his. But nothing I could do would be enough. I owed him everything.

My arm was wrapped around his waist semi-tightly and I was cuddled as close to him as humanly possible, snuggled on the crook of his arm with my head under his chin.

“Dean? I asked softly in the air. He hummed a deep sound I more felt than heard, as it rumbled from his chest. His fingers didn’t stop. “I…” I hesitated, not thinking if it was a good idea to put my heart and mind out to words.

“What is it, sweetheart?” he tilted his head to catch a glimpse of me. I let my thumb stroke the naked skin of his hip lightly, savoring the feeling of being wrapped around his warmth. I nuzzled my nose in his neck.

“I… I just wanted to… to thank you” I stopped. I didn’t need to explain, truthfully, despite the fact I did, and he didn’t need to acknowledge what I was saying in words. He simply rested his chin on my head and breathed deeply, not bothering to stop me in spite of probably not wanting any gratitude. He knew I had to get this off my chest. “You…” I sighed.

“You didn’t know me that day. You didn’t know me and yet you saved my life. You helped me, pulled me back, cared for me. You made me feel enough. You gave me family. You gave me a home and I honestly cannot thank you enough for it” My arm subconsciously tightened around him and I nuzzled closer. “Thank you”

Dean was broken, battered, hurt, scarred and with the, at the moment forgotten, red threat on his left arm lingering there as a promise of something bigger and worse, something that he would definitely regret for the rest of his life, but I loved him. God knows I did. I loved him with all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being as I threw myself into his fire letting his welcoming warm flames engulf me.

That day

No, no, no, no. This is not happening. This is NOT happening.

“DEAN!”

The subtle ‘gungh’ and the sigh, the panicked look in his eyes, all of it absolutely destroyed me.

“NO!” Sam and I screamed together. Dean’s head turned to us and when he saw me his head fell to the concrete wall as he struggled to breathe with a hole in his chest. His body tilted to the side, ready to fall. I ran past every object and jumped over every obstacle, catching his limp body, just like he had caught me.

A sudden rattle shook everything, the walls, the earth the things on the shelves. Sam got up and tried stabbing Metatron, who, instead, disappeared into thin air.

“Y/n” he gasped “y-you gotta get outta here before h- he comes back” that was Dean for you. Stabbed, bleeding to death and still caring only for his family.

“Sh-sh shut up” I said and grabbed the cloth from my back pocket, pressing it in his hand and on his wound “Hold it there.” He groaned from the pressure. I fought to keep my cool trying to figure something to do

“W-we’ll stop the bleeding, w-we’ll f-find a doctor, w-“ Sam was panicking and you honestly could not blame him, nor were far from the feeling, yourself. Your hands were shaking, fumbling with his jacket, with your pockets trying to find something- anything- to help him.

“Sammy- Y/n/n, listen to me” He said, stilling your hands in his. “I-it’s better this way” he gasped. Oh no. He- he would say it wouldn’t he. He was about to say it.

“What?!”

“T-the mark. It’s making me something I don’t want to be”

He wanted to die, you realized. He wanted his life to end.

He was you, just a year ago. Hurting. In pain. In a battle with himself.

“Don’t fucking worry about the mark, right now! We’ll figure that out later! C’mon, Sam, help me” I put his arm over and around my shoulders as Sam did the same, we lifted him up with him grunting and groaning. It physically pained me to see him hurt.

We managed to walk him for a minute or two before his weight fell on me as he tried to stop our movements

“W-hold up” he wheezed

“What, what is it?” I let him lean against the nearest pile of wooden boxes. He turned to Sam.

“I-“ he let out an ‘ungh’ “I’m proud of us” he slapped his hand on his brother’s cheek, before grabbing your hand and turning to you “And y-you. I wanna s-see you smi-“ wheeze “smile” He squeezed your hand and his eyelids dropped. His limp, lifeless body fell on me.

“Oh no no no” That’s when true panic washed over my entire being as I pulled him back with Sam shaking his shoulder. “No no you’re not- you- He’s” I started sobbing as both me and Sam hugged him to ourselves, clinging to each other.

Dean’s flame burnt out and I was left in the cold

And now what?

Tags: (Sorry this was so terrible)

@jpadjackles @chaos-and-the-calm67 @oriona75 @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @impala-dreamer  @babypieandwhiskey

[lutankiet]

Update.

Soo.. I have 3 more classes for my summer school. I’m kinda scared I’m not going to get the desired grade that I want. But I’m hoping that I’ll be fine. I’m scared of my GPA dropping. I don’t know why I put so much of my self-worth towards school and determine my value from my academic success. I’m so tired and I always say that and I just want a break which I did have yesterday, but I want a week. A week where I don’t have any responsibilities. A week where I can do whatever I want. A week where I don’t need to worry about anything. A week that I can enjoy. I just need time. I just need to take care of myself before I lose myself again. I can tell that I’m becoming more aggressive and agitated and I want to fix it. School is killing me right now and I just need a moment. I have so much to worry about. I feel like I’m not going anywhere with my life. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing at all. I just wish I know what I’m doing. I don’t fucken know anything. ANYTHING.. i just need to get my shit together and I keep saying that but what the fuck does that even mean. im so fucken drained and im scared im going to crash. so much on my mind. education is the key to success.. i keep playing this in my head. idkk.im going crazy. my head hurts, i want a break. i want to be fine. i just want to be okay. i dont know what im even fucken seeking for in life. once i get a job, then what?what the fuck am i doing. idefk. what is all this. what is happiness. omg. stress. life..change..so much to cope with

comparing myself to others constantly i just want to be equal but capitalism fuck everything fuck everyone. i just want to run the fuck away and live on a farm. i want to go back to my childhood when everything was easy. i dont want to say that i hate my life but idk what im doing and im scared. what is this. i want to go find myself in vietnam

but my parents won't let me. i want to leave. i need to travel. i want to travel. picking classes...arranging shit. some much fucken shit to do. so much pressure. secrets. i hate them i want my life to be okay what am i doing. my brain hurts. judgement. social media is life now apparently everyone is on their phones 24/7 i need my life. idk what to do. im going crazy omgfg. burnout. burnout burnoutbourn burnoutburnoutburnout. i need a break. i’m going crazy. im so drained. i just need a moment. give m e a moment. life. i dont want to glamazze things anymore. real. honesty. shit. happens. omfg. im deaddd. my brain is fried. i have 3 more classes left  and this is my last chance to make things right and hopefully get the grades that i want. YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD. BUT FOR WHAT. FOR UR FUTURE. DO THIS. UR GONNA BURN OUT

FUCK WHAT EVERYONE SAYS UR NOT GONNA BURN OUT IF U TAKE CARE OF URSELF. GIVE URSELF TIME TO HEAL INDIVIDUALLY. CUT TOXICIITY OUT FUCK. FBASUYDFBUYEABRGYEAR BRAIN DEAD. OMFG. I HATE SOCIAL MEDIA. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO EXPORE I WANT TO LEAVE SF. I HAVE TO LEAVE SF. I NEED TO GET AWAY SOON!! I HAVE TO GET AWAY!! I NEED TO LEAVE. I HAVE TO GO BEFORE I .... idk. i need to take care of myself. i need to take care of myself i need to take care of myself. mental health mental health. dont worry everything is gonna be fine. everything will be fine. you have people that care for you but no one understands. no one understands the struggle no one doesQ!!!! i hate it ... i hate being materialistic i hate everything i hate how people judge me on how i dress i hate my insecurities i hate my height im so insecure. i hate my left toes i hate my puffy nipples. i hate my stomach fat. i need to take care of myself. i need to be okay. school is such a toll on me i need a break i want a break but i dont want to waste time cuz time is money i hate it. what am i saying. it’s 12 am . shit. fucken shit. my brain. i need to cleanse i need to cleanse. i need to do more of what makes me happy. but what makes me happy. idk. idk anything. omfg.asfniwaegubarhgniaergdgd. i hate technology. i feel pressure. i feel pressure. i need a break. my brain hurts. i need a break before i burn out burn out burn out!!

[watchthejellyfishrun]

So the evolution of romantic nicknames in my relationship is kind of hilarious.

Months 1-2:

"Hun" was as close as we got to romantic nicknames.

Months 2-4:

"Sweetie," "Sweetheart," "Love," and things like that. Old fashioned and affectionate, NEVER anything stereotypical of young people like babe, or bae, or whatever. They annoy me.

Months 4-6:

We kept the old fashioned ones, but added insults used affectionately, such as "dickhead," and added some less conventional nicknames, primarily "noodle."

Month 7:

Idefk know anymore man, I called him "sweet noodle creature" the other day this shit's gone off the rails.