#this is what i did instead of my final math project

[cloudtastrophie]

A little headcannon tidbit based off of chapter 2 of @canarydarity 's ranchers baseball au <3

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St. Louis felt infinitely like home. Or, as close to home as Jimmy could get. Coming into the city from the Illinois side of the river made him sick to smell the air of his childhood backyard. To taste the dirt in his mouth as he, once again, lost against Grian at the diamonds. St. Louis was 10 times smaller than grand old New York, New York, but it was 10 times more welcoming. The drivers were calmer, the streets less full, the culture more laid back. It was a lazy city, sticky and slow like molasses in the early summer midwestern heat. 

As the team bus rattled its way across the Eads Bridge, Jimmy felt Joel smack his arm, breaking his gaze away from the lazy flow of the Mississippi. “What in the bloody hell are they building?” Joel muttered, half standing to see over Tango’s shoulders across the isle. Tango looked as if he was about to burst out of the window, he was pressed so hard to the glass. He swiveled his head to look at Jimmy and Joel. 

“You two haven’t heard? It’s been in every paper for weeks!” He was practically vibrating with excitement. 

Jimmy shook his head and stood up taller to see what the fuss was about. By then, the whole team was ‘ooh and ahhing’ at the absolutely massive structure being built, right on the banks of the river. 

“It’s going to be called the Gateway Arch. It’s probably going to be the biggest feat of engineering since the Empire State. Probably better than the Needle out in Seattle is going to be.” Jimmy raised an eyebrow, a hint of a smile on his lips. Since when did Tango have a special interest in engineering?

“I did a few months in an engineering class. Got me hooked, but numbers are easier to understand.” Tango explained, as if he had read Jimmy’s mind. Then he turned back around and continued to peer at the stories-tall cranes slowly moving into place, and the two wide, square beginnings of what would apparently become a feat of engineering. Jimmy didn’t really see the draw, but he leaned across Joel and the isle to Tango anyways.

“We should come back to see it once it’s finished.” Jimmy said, watching the construction site fade behind them. The Cardnial’s stadium appeared behind the looming Old Courthouse. 

“I agree!” Tango replied, beaming. Jimmy didn’t care if he was 100 by the time the Arch was finished. He’d come back and see it with Tango when it was done.

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hi worm i know you're reading this,,,ok I haven't had the energy (or time) to do any art for the baseball au but the brainrot has been stuck with me for DAYS. so I decided to write a little tidbit of how I imagined the ride into St. Louis for that game against the Cardnials. I have a lot of love for the city I grew up around so I really wanted to do something for it for you :) And if you're interested, here's some of the history I incorparated to make it feel more historically accurate! (i'm a cloested history buff, can you tell)

the st louis gateway arch began construction in 1963 technically, but I'm like 90% sure that there was soo much prep work done on the site before the actual construction, as there is a basement underneath it, and a huge walkway/viewing platform area, as well as the whole thing with the levee right on the Mississippi. I wanted to sort of figure out what that would look like in 1961 when the plans were being laid out. Also, the Arch is a certified national park, it's professional name being "St. Louis Gateway Arch National Park"

The Old Courthouse. UGH its one of my favorite buildings I've ever seen actually. Its so beautiful, and you can, from the road I'm writing them on, see Busch staduim looming behind it. The Courthouse also actually held the first two trials of the Dred Scott case, if you're into that kind of stuff.

The Eads Bridge. Also one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. It is the oldest bridge on the Mississippi and was constructed under the care of Andrew Carnagie. That bad boy is made out of actual authentic Carnagie steel. Sooo history rich. Pretty sure they actually held a parade with elephants once it was done. so that's cool

Oh, and Busch stadium. It wasn't called that way back when! And it looked much, much different than it does now. I'm honestly not sure what it was called in the 60's, but I'm sure most people called it Cardnial's stadium. It was a beautiful and massive stadium back then, and it still is now.

the seattle neetle was being constructed around the same time as the arch as well, which is why i had Tango say something about it LOL

And for funsies, here's a scorecard that I'm sure Tango would've recieved in 1961 from the stadium.

hope you enjoyed my little rant!! And if you made it to the bottom of this and you're not worm, I hope you enjoyed learning a little about st. louis today. :)

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[cafem3wcuryy]

౨ৎ ━━━ HALLWAY CRUSH !

req from anon: hii!! :3 do you think you could do another version of the hallway crush with some other characters? i was thinking about Tendou specifically but tsukishima and kenma would be super cool!! <3

continuation to this

━ characters: kageyama, tsukishima, kenma, akaashi, tendou

━ sum: bumping into their (hallway) crushes, then finally confessing.

━ tw: fem!reader, unestablished relationship

lowercase intended

m.list

━━━ KAGEYAMA TOBIO

⤷ kageyama first saw you in his class and thought you were really pretty, making him intimidated of you because of your beauty.

⤷ kageyama would try to talk to you face to face, but would backout last minute, making you confused every time he would call your name and just walk away without saying anything else.

⤷ kageyama would instead pass you notes during class.

hi

hi :) shouldnt u be paying attention?

ya but got bored :p

understandable btw y do u keep calling for my attention but then just walk away?

i get nervous sorry.

⤷ kageyama would continue to pass notes to you during class, then one day you got tired of sending notes all the time, so you asked him for his number and he started freaking out mid lesson.

⤷ kageyama wouldn't talk to you much during school, but whenever there is study hall or partner projects, he would look at you immediately with round eyes and softly furrowed eyebrows.

⤷ kageyama was hanging out with hinata one day during lunch, and you passed by, making kageyama freeze up when you waved and smiled at him, resulting in hinata to start freaking out and tell the team.

⤷ kageyama wouldn't even be the one to confess to you, hinata would accidentally say it out loud when he and kageyama saw you in the hallways.

"HEY! aren't you the one who kageyama has a crush on?!" hinata point at you.

"c-crush?"

"HINATA, YOU DUMBASS!"

⤷ kageyama would start to avoid you, wanting to avoid rejection and started freaking out when you texted him to meet you before volleyball practice.

"are you avoiding me?" you asked, a slight pout on your features.

"n-no?"

"well, i guess i there's no point in me telling you that i like you, too, because you want to keep ignoring me."

"W-WHAT???"

⤷ kageyama's cheeks were still bright red when he got to practice, making tsukishima and hinata to start teasing him throughout the entire practice.

━━━ TSUKISHIMA KEI

⤷ tsukishima was assigned as you tutor for math, marking the day he first saw you and thought you were cute, but he felt like you were going to be a nuisance.

⤷ at first, tsukishima thought you were annoying and thought you didn't care about school and you only cared about your looks or friends, but was proved wrong when you were actually trying to understand.

⤷ tsukishima would lowkey feel bad for thinking you were annoying, and as he kept tutoring you, he saw that you were nothing like he assumed you'd be, and his feelings began to grow for you.

⤷ tsukishima would rather die than to let people (ahem, the volleyball team) know that he has a crush on you, so whenever he sees you throughout the hallways, he'll look at you with a slight nod that you would return with a smile.

⤷ tsukishima would start to lowkey flirt with you, but the way he flirts is to tease you.

"you really do prove that not all pretty girls can be smart."

"excuse me?"

"i guess your stupidity can be overlooked because you're cute."

"is this your way of flirting or..?"

⤷ tsukishima would start asking you after your math sessions if you need help with any other subjects, and claiming that he has nothing better to do.

⤷ tsukishima would slowly start texting you, asking if you understood your homework and if you need help, you can just call him whenever and he's help a "poor soul" like you.

stinkyshima Did you do your homework?

[name] yes teacher 😒

stinkyshima You're an idiot.

[name] ur idiot <3

stinkyshima Good night.

[name] JUST SAY U HATE ME STUPIDSHIMA :(

⤷ tsukishima wouldn't want to tell you he has a crush on you because he has low self-esteem and is trying to avoid rejection, thinking you're too pretty for him.

⤷ tsukishima soon got tired of keeping his feelings in, so during one of your study sessions, he slid you a note as he looked away from you.

"read it." he muttered.

it's annoying keeping this to myself, i like you.

⤷ tsukishima would let out a quiet sigh of relief when you told him you like him too.

"okay, now finish."

"yeah, yeah."

━━━ KOZUME KENMA

⤷ kenma has the fattest crush on you since his first year, now in his second year, you're still is hallway crush.

⤷ kenma being the introvert, he never spoke to you, only keeping his eyes on you, unnoticed, every time you walked by him with your friends he would look discreetly, but it never went unnoticed with kuroo.

"what are you looking at, hm?" kuroo teased, as he followed kenma's line of sight.

"nothing."

"now that i think about it, you're always looking when she walks by."

⤷ kenma didn't know if he should be scared, happy or anxious when you came into the gym during practice and coach nekomata introducing you as the new manager.

⤷ kenma avoided you like the plague, why? idk introvert things.

⤷ kenma thought he was genuinely going to faint when you began talking to him after practice ended and he was playing on his psp.

"what are you playing?"

"?!"

"oh, i'm sorry for scaring you," you nervously laughed. "i just like playing video games too, but i'm not very good."

⤷ kenma was lowkey so jealous when any of the guys talked to you so easily, when he couldn't even go near you without being so nervous, he was mostly jealous of kuroo and lev because he didn't know if you liked tall guys more.

⤷ kenma almost never responded to you the first time you texted him outside of school because he was so nervous and scared.

xxx-xxx-xxxx hey! its [name] i rmbr u saying u play league i was wondering if you wanted to play w me? (07:29 pm)

[name] it's okay if u dont want too srry for bothering :) (10:56 pm)

kenma if u still want we can play (11:48 pm)

⤷ kenma wouldn't be the one to confess, let's be real, you were the one who confessed first, which then kenma told you he likes you too ever since his first year.

"i was scared you liked kuroo or lev..."

"what the-? why?"

"i thought you liked taller guys..."

⤷ kenma later made you a minecraft world, confessing to you a second time, saying he wanted you to feel special, too, because he was too much of a coward to confess first.

━━━ AKAASHI KEIJI

⤷ akaashi had first seen you walking out of your club one day with your teammates, and after that you were suddenly everywhere he was. (you guys have the same hall, he just never noticed you)

⤷ whenever akaashi saw you, he thought you always looked happy, no matter day, season, weather, you always had a small smile on your face whenever you were speaking to someone or just walking alone.

⤷ akaashi gained his crush on you after one day you and him locked eyes, and smiled at him.

⤷ akaashi decided to finally talk to you after that, and asked if you ever wanted to hang out with him during school or after clubs when you weren't busy.

"i should be free saturday if that works with you." you hummed, talking to akaashi on the phone.

"i'm free whenever you want me too be."

⤷ akaashi would be so whipped for you and he's such a gentleman, even though you guys weren't together (yet) he would open the door for you, pull your chair out for you, he even follows the sidewalk rule bro IM whipped.

⤷ after your hang out, akaashi would start calling you after clubs, asking how your day is, and what made your day, he just wants to listen to you talk.

⤷ you and akaashi would then start a routine where every saturday, you and akaashi meet up somewhere (wherever yo choose) and just hang out and talk.

⤷ akaashi thought he was slick with his crush on you with his teammates, but one day he went to practice and everyone started asking him questions, especially bokuto.

"you got a girlfriend now, akaashi?" konoha asks.

"what makes you say that?"

"I SAW YOU WITH A GIRL AT (cafe name) ON SATURDAY!!"

"were you spying on me...?"

"AKAASHIIII! I'M NOT WEIRD LIKE THAT!"

"mhm."

⤷ akaashi one day brought you to practice because bokuto kept asking him to introduce you to the team, even though akaashi told him you guys are just friends, he insisted.

⤷ akaashi decided to tell you about his feelings for you during one of your saturday 'hang outs'.

⤷ akaashi told you he was taking you to a park for a picnic and that's when he confessed.

"[name]."

"hm?" you look a him.

"i have feelings for you."

⤷ akaashi thought he was going to pass out when you flashed him the smile you first gave to him, even more so when you told him you had feelings for him too.

━━━ TENDOU SATORI

⤷ tendou first noticed you when you walked into the gym, asking for semi, he thought you were really pretty.

"soooo who was that semi-semi?" tendou coo'd.

"my classmate, why?"

⤷ tendou began looking for your face throughout the halls, wanting to just see you, and he that would literally just make his day.

⤷ tendou never approached you or spoke to you because he was scared you were going to think he was weird or you would get scared of him and how he looked. (the bullying took such a toll on him bro, i will fight for tendou)

⤷ tendou was SHOCKED when you came to the gym asking for HIM, he thought that this was the end and his heart was going to be SHATTERED.

⤷ imagine to his SHOCK when you asked tendou if he wanted to help you make some chocolates for a school fundraiser, and how you kept you smiling as you spoke to him.

"the counselor told me you wanted to become a chocolatier when you graduate and i thought you would be the perfect person for this!"

"r-really?"

⤷ tendou was lowkey so nervous when he got to the school's kitchen and it was just the two of you guys in there, so nervous that he didn't talk to you the first few days.

⤷ tendou tried so hard to mask the ever growing smile on his features when you started asking him some ice breakers, he went home so giddy, his parents were so happy seeing him happy like that.

⤷ on the last day of making chocolates together, tendou gained the courage to ask you if you wanted to exchange phone numbers, which you happily obliged. (i mean cmon he's so cutie patootie)

⤷ tendou never texted you first, he didn't want to come off as desperate or anything, so he waited patiently for you to text him, and after a few days went by with no text back, he was ready to give up, but! you eventually texted him, much to his relief.

[name] hey! sorry for not texting sooner, i was really busy with the fundraiser

(he forgot that you were part of the fundraiser bro)

⤷ as you guessed, tendou would never be caught confessing first, so when you confessed to him with chocolates on valentine's day, he almost cried, he also began to rapid fire questions at you, begging it isn't a sick joke.

"no! i would never joke about that!"

"you swear?"

"i swear."

sniffles.

"a-are you crying?"

"no. not yet."

notes:

lightly proofread bcs its 4 am ALSO IGNORE THE FUCK ASS COLOR SCHEME I CANT BE BOTHERED RN

YUR I DID THAT, reqs are opennn

[mionemymind]

Chapter 2: Confessions for You

My Rival Series

Series Summary: The time where Y/n Y/l/n and Wanda Maximoff were academic rivals that fell for each other.

Chapter Summary: Y/n already is losing herself to her studies as competition looms closer and closer.

A/n: Gif credits to @elizabetholsens

Warnings: Rivals to Lovers, Obvious Feelings, Stubborn Reader, Cursing, Alcohol, Puking, Memory Loss? (ish)

Word Count: 5.1k

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 |

Last Month - Spring Semester

‘I fucking hate losing to her.’ Y/n’s fists were tightly clenched as she saw Wanda celebrate another perfect score. The glimmer in her eyes almost made Y/n’s vein burst from anger. The competition was in three weeks and the last day of school was in four weeks. 

It's been almost a month since she spoke to Dean Holloway about her scholarship. Since then, Y/n’s mental health has extremely deteriorated. The lack of sleep and the inability to eat was catching up to the bright student. 

She was making more mistakes in math club, simple ones that even the freshman could do with their eyes closed. Her confidence has gotten lower and lower the more she was unable to perfect her craft. 

And as Y/n stared at the ninety nine written on her test, all emotion was devoid from her. She was tired. Something that Wanda had noticed. The brunette had kept up on her usual appearances around Y/n. She taunted Y/n slightly over scores, grinned at every question she got right at math club, and overall proved to everyone why she was number one. 

But that wasn’t to say that the brunette didn’t notice all the changes happening to Y/n. If anything, Wanda was the first to notice all the changes. She noticed the appearance of deeper eyes bags, the short temper Y/n had over small mistakes, and even worse, the lack of focus Y/n had during lectures. 

There were other changes too like the way Y/n no longer engaged at all to Wanda’s banter. Instead, she would walk away, fists clenched, as if Y/n was holding herself back. Or the times that Wanda no longer spotted Y/n with her friends at all. It was like she was distancing herself from everyone she knew. 

While Wanda tried her best to look out for Y/n, all her kindness turned bitter when she thought of that meeting. 

Sitting across from each other, the two were finishing their project, looking over the final draft before submitting it. Wanda was looking over Y/n’s part of the essay when she came across a large paragraph that contained a lot of circular reasoning and hardly any sources. 

Wanda circled it and leaned forward to show Y/n. “Hey, you made a mist-,” Y/n snatched the paper, already rereading the paragraph at lightening speed. Her shoulders were tense as she squinted her eyes to read the paper better. 

“You didn’t explain your side well enough. I see what you’re trying to say but you end up using circular reasoning to back up your point rather the the sources we’ve gathered.” 

Feeling already embarrassed enough from math club, Y/n had enough. She got up, causing the chair to make a horrible screeching noise. Wanda grimaced at the sound as she noticed Y/n packing up. 

“Where are you-”

“Fuck off, Maximoff. I don’t need your input.” Wanda was caught off guard at Y/n’s hostility, but the smart girl had a sharp tongue and there was no way in hell she was going to allow Y/n to talk to her like that. 

“Clearly you do when you’re making basic mistakes like that.” Y/n scoffed as she stuffed her backup. 

“Always quick to call out someone’s mistakes. Would love for the day someone laughs at yours.” Wanda got up, her chair making the same awful sound. 

“Why are you being so rude? We are doing a peer review. What did you expect? That I let you mess up my grade.” Y/n rolled her eyes as she swung her backup over her shoulder. The zipper was barely over the arch, the swing almost causing her backup to open up. Y/n grabbed the remainder of her stuff and held it.

“You’re the last person I would ever call my peer. Do what you have to Maximoff but I’m fucking done here.” Y/n left without another word.

Wanda stood at her spot, offended at the fact that Y/n even snapped at her. What was worse, she genuinely felt hurt by Y/n’s tone. Y/n had never spoken to her like that, not in the three years they’ve known each other. 

So as she grabbed her stuff, her paper being last, Wanda didn’t notice the lack of marks on her paragraphs. All she noticed was the painful feeling in her heart left by Y/n.

“Okay everyone, let's please settle down so we can talk about the format for this upcoming state competition.” Up at the front of the lecture hall stood Y/n and Wanda. Naturally they stood a couple of feet apart as Wanda took the lead of the meeting. 

“This year we have the amazing honor of bringing in three teams to represent Evergreen University. Fortunately for us, Dean Holloway was able to get the approval to send in another team this year.” There were several claps coming from the students as Y/n somberly looked at the floor. 

‘He just wants to increase the odds of me losing.’ Y/n thought. Noticing that Y/n was not paying attention, Wanda shook her head and continued with the announcement. 

��As tradition has it, we will hold a bracket competition for those that would like to compete. Each team will have four slots to fill. Naturally as your co-captains for the club, we will only have 10 slots available for those that want to participate.” 

Wanda walked over to Y/n, giving her a slight pat on the back as she walked past her. “Your co-captain will list off how the competition will go.” 

Y/n cleared her throat, regaining her focus as she addressed the crowd. “In order to better assess senior and new member abilities, we will be holding a kahoot style competition as this will best mirror the real competition.”

Walking away from Wanda, “In order to avoid embarrassment of who did or did not get the answer correctly, we will be using the clickers that the University has provided our club. On the sign up sheet, I will write down your name beside the clicker number. The top ten members will receive a place for the competition. However, the members that place 11th through 13th will constitute as our substitutes in the case of anything happening to our members.” 

Y/n sat over to the desk of clickers, ready to write. “For those that are not wanting to participate but would like to see who has made it to our team, you are more than welcomed to stay as the questions on the screen will provide great practice. You may start lining up now for your clickers.” Wanda ended her speech with a gratuitous smile. 

A long line of students started to form as Y/n wrote each name down. Coincidentally enough, the first two clickers were reserved for Wanda and Y/n. Unbeknownst to Y/n, she wrote Wanda’s name at first and her name being second. Even her subconscious knew the truth. 

So as Wanda got the questions ready, Y/n sat at the table, away from everyone, hoping that her extreme hours spent studying were going to be worth it. Y/n looked at Wanda who sat with some of her friends in the club. There was still that stupid smile on her face. 

‘Eat dirt.’ Was all Y/n thought as the first question popped up on the screen. 

“Wait - you’re unable to pick me up when spring semester ends? Why?” Y/n sighed, still feeling the bitterness from math club as she sat under a tree that observed the Hodgekins Math building. 

“I’m sorry honey - your father and I are going to attend an important meeting for his company in Europe. Unfortunately, we were unable to reschedule it as your father’s clients were only able during that time to discuss the merge factors. I do hope you understand.” 

Y/n’s eyes teared up, feeling lower than ever before as she spotted Wanda finally leaving the building, the brunette’s words still in her mind. 

“How are you expected to lead when you can’t even get in the top ten?” Wanda whispered as she smiled at the students who made the team. “If you can’t even score top five, how can I trust you? Get your head back or I’m going to have to get someone else to fill your spot.” 

“Can you at least send Percy to help me out?” Y/n wiped her tears before they got a chance to fall. The weight of everything was crushing her down and it felt like no one even noticed. 

“Of course. He’ll be there to help you. How is school going by the way? Are you having fun? Your grades still okay?” Y/n leaned back on the tree, making sure no one was nearby. 

“It's been…okay. My state competition is less than a month away and I’ve been trying my best to study a lot for it.” Y/n bit her cheek, the feeling of losing gripped her heart. “But other than that, my grades are still good.” 

Y/n couldn’t see it, but her Mom was smiling on the other end of the phone. “Is that girl - what’s her name - oh yeah, Wanda, still there?” Y/n froze at the mention of the brunette, even worse, Wanda was oddly walking in her direction.

“Mom - I really don’t want to talk about her.” It’s like no matter what, Wanda somehow managed to pop up everywhere in her life. 

“Well, it has been a while since you’ve talked about her. I was starting to think she was no longer around.” Y/n knew when her Mom was acting oblivious and this happened to be one of those moments. 

“Mom-”

“You know if you can’t stand it just come back home. Your father is more than happy to help you get enrolled into-”

“Mom - I’m not going to Langford University. Dad can keep wishing but I will stay at Evergreen University.” The topic of Langford and her father was always a strain. While Y/n’s father was an alright man and honestly a great father, his vision for Y/n’s future never aligned for what his daughter wanted. 

Ever since she got accepted to Evergreen University, their relationship grew complicated. He even stopped calling after Thanksgiving break of her first semester in college. While Y/n did have a better relationship with her mother, it was still complicated nonetheless. 

“Look, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later Mom. Bye - love you.” Y/n hung up before her mother said anything back. The brunette that’s been in her mind stood right in front of her with a blank look on her face. 

“What do you want?” Wanda rolled her eyes at Y/n’s hostility. She hadn’t even said a word and she’s already managed to piss Y/n off. Had it been earlier in the year, Wanda would have enjoyed just how quick she could get under Y/n’s nerves. But now, Wanda couldn’t stand Y/n either. 

Taking a deep breath, Wanda calmed her anger and said, “Have you thought about what I said?” 

Standing up, Y/n wiped any possible dirt from her pants and glared at Wanda. “Don’t even think about replacing me. I’ll be at the competition and I’ll make sure that my group wins it all.” 

“You better be on your A-game at our next practice. If not, I’m pulling you.” Y/n’s jaw clenched at Wanda’s threat. Who was she to call the shots? They were co-captains after all. 

“Don’t worry your pretty head about me, Maximoff. I’ll be on my best behavior.”

‘I need to focus.’ It was a weeknight. As usual, Y/n was using this time to study for math club. Wanda had sent out a new packet for the competitors to use as practice for the real competition. 

For a majority of the questions, she had gotten ninety seven out of the hundred correct. But Y/n was on the brink of losing it all. She knew that any wrong answer would immediately lead to a Maximoff victory and that was the last thing she wanted. 

‘I need to be perfect.’ Erasing her calculations, Y/n redid it but still wasn’t able to match to the correct answer. Tightening the grip on her pencil, Y/n tried to not let this get to the best of her. But the constant sound of Natasha practicing her guitar started to aggravate her. 

In addition small music was already playing in the background, something Natasha was trying to play along with. So when Y/n redid her calculations once more and still got the wrong answer, she could feel her anger start to resurface. Still, she maintained her best composure and erased the wrong answer. \

Retrying for the third time, Y/n was close to reaching the correct answer when her pencil tip broke. ‘Just bad timing. That’s all. Get a new pencil and move on.’ She spoke internally. But the rational thoughts mixing with her anger were not a good combo. 

Was she hallucinating or was Natasha’s music suddenly getting louder? Ignoring it, Y/n grabbed a new pencil when the sound of a new email alerted her attention to her laptop. Going to Outlook, Y/n looked at the new email, its subject already signaling alarms in her head. 

Dean Holloway 

New Scholarship Requirements 

Feeling all sorts of anger and embarrassment, Y/n broke her pencil and slammed her computer shut. Standing up quickly, Y/n looked at Natasha, and without thinking, said, “Can you please cut that shit off?” 

Y/n was already fuming with anger, not caring if she pissed her best friend at all. At first, Natasha looked shocked at Y/n’s outburst, quickly turning the music off. But the realization of Y/n’s tone offended Natasha. 

“What’s up with you?” Natasha placed the guitar up against the wall. Y/n had never yelled at her like this before. 

“I need to study and I can’t when you’re distracting me.” Y/n waved towards the direction of the speakers and the guitar as if it was so obvious. 

“You could have asked nicely rather than being a dick about it.” Natasha did not like Y/n’s tone one bit. While they were best friends, Natasha did not take shit from anyone. 

“You could have been considerate of other people in the room rather than assuming.” Natasha scoffed knowing that this was not the first time she played music in front of Y/n. Heck, she always played music ever since freshman year of high school. Natasha could vividly recall the amount of times she asked Y/n in the beginning days of them dorming. Y/n would always respond with a smile, saying she never minded. So why would things change now? 

“Bullshit - tell me the real reason.” Natasha stood up and crossed her arms, not giving into Y/n’s lie. 

“I’ve had enough. Maybe that’s the reason.” Natasha rolled her eyes. She walked closer to Y/n, quickly lifting her shirt up to expose just how skinny she had gotten. 

“You’ve hardly been eating.” Feeling defensive, Y/n backed up, pushing her shirt back down. “You hardly sleep anymore. Not only that, I’ve barely been able to speak to you without you running away to study. Something is up. So tell me.” 

Y/n glanced down to the floor. Tears pricked her eyes as she thought of a way to get out of this. Guilt consumed her as quickly as her anger did. And now, she doesn't know what to say. 

So when the red head saw her friend silently cry, her shoulders dropped and immediately went in for a hug. “Whatever is eating you up, just please tell me. I’ll make sure to help you through it so you don’t have to go through it alone.” 

‘If I’m not perfect…I’m going to lose you.’ But as Y/n clutched on to Natasha, no words escaped her mouth for the redhead had enough to worry about. 

Day Before Competition - Spring Semester

“I can’t believe you’re actually going to a party.” Y/n looked over the simple outfit she had on, blue jeans, loose white shirt, and converse. This was the first time she was going to a party, vividly recalling the multiple lies she’s used to get out of one in the past. 

“I don’t understand why this one is suddenly mandatory for club members to go to. We literally have a competition tomorrow.” Today was supposed to be spent for late night studying, but according to Wanda’s orders, this was a must for all twelve members. 

“Who cares? I know you’re going to do well.” Natasha says behind Y/n. The red head admired Y/n’s outfit before looking eyes with her through the mirror. “You’ve been studying your ass off. I just know tomorrow is going to be your day.” 

Y/n didn’t want to overthink Natasha's words. Ever since she outlashed that night, she refused to for her anger to get the best of her even though her circumstances weren’t so great. Offering Natasha a wide smile, Y/n said, “I’ll be only drinking one cup tonight but nothing else. I can’t be too drunk.”

“And I’m going to do the opposite, I will be getting drunk especially since finals are this upcoming week.” 

‘I want to leave.’ Hours into the party, the crowd grew more alive. More people were in the center dancing while many small groups formed around the frat house. The backyard was filled with people vaping or smoking. 

Y/n didn’t quite recognize all that attended the party. If she was being honest, people started to come even when they weren’t part of a club. There were a few outliers from chemistry and movie club, but other than that, the crowd was overwhelming. 

Sipping on the last few bits of her drink, Y/n watched Natasha with a small buzzing feeling. The red head was downing her fifth shot. A smirk was wide spread on her face as she wiped the small bits of tequila that were on the corner of her mouth. The crowd around her cheered as the next person got their shot ready.

Natasha walked to where Y/n was standing and stood beside her. Feeling touchy, she decided to lay her head on Y/n’s shoulder and observed the crowd. She knew a lot of the outliers from the many parties she’s been to. Plus, with how outgoing of a personality Natasha had, a lot of people gravitated towards her. 

But no matter how many people Natasha was friends with, Y/n was always her favorite. The two were opposites but that made the friendship even better. The red head always viewed Y/n as the black cat that never wanted to be petted. But the day she was finally allowed was one that Natasha always remembers. 

“Having fun?” Y/n could smell the alcohol from Natasha’s breath but didn’t mind. 

“A little bit. This drink is helping me not stress so much though.” Natasha smiled at Y/n’s confession. The two didn’t really have a long talk about her outburst many nights ago. And while Natasha always had her guesses, she remained at Y/n’s side, never wanting her best friend to feel alone. 

As for Y/n, vowed to keep her anger in check. While she did still feel irritated at times, she focused on not letting her anger consume her as much. Even with the given circumstances, it wasn’t fair to Natasha or any of her friends to get the short end of the stick. It wasn’t their fault for the way things were. 

“Ya know Nat, for this party to have mandatory attendance, I have not seen Wanda or any of the math club members anywhere.” Natasha looked around the crowd that was in the dance room and couldn’t spot the all too familiar brunette at all. 

“That’s weird. Did y’all agree for a meet up spot?” Y/n shook her head no. 

“I haven’t even gotten a text from Wanda. She’s usually on top of these things.” The two watched for a moment, letting the loud music fill the comfortable silence between them. Wanting to get another shot, Natasha almost left when she saw Wanda amongst the crowd. 

“Why does Wanda affect you so much?” Y/n almost hadn’t heard Natasha’s question, but when Y/n followed the direction of her gaze, she knew. 

“She doesn’t affect me.” Although it was a small buzz, the ability to lie knowing she had drunk a little was all the confidence Y/n needed. 

“Well you talk about her,” Natasha pointed out. “Plus, anytime she’s around, you end up bickering for a while. Sometimes you would go on rants talking about what she said to you during class.”

The blush that appeared on Y/n’s cheek was hard to spot in the dark setting. The brown eyed girl clutched on her red solo cup, feeling embarrassed that she was easily called out with compelling evidence. 

Looking back at Wanda, Y/n could feel her heart rate increase as she saw her talking to other people. There was this different aura surrounding her. Maybe it was the drink or maybe it was the fact that she seemed to really enjoy herself. Like academics wasn’t the only thing she excelled in. 

“Is she the reason you’re acting so differently lately?” Natasha lifted her head as she felt Y/n stiffen up. Feeling like she overstepped, the red head was about to spout an apology.

“Yeah,” Y/n continued to look at Wanda. Even though it was rude to blame the situation on her, it was easier to admit it than speak the truth. “It’s just..I hate Wanda Maximoff. I hate her face and the way she hides her freckles. I hate her smile and how perfect she laughs. I hate how smart she is and how she knows everything. I hate her.” Y/n complained. 

But how could she hate the girl that always took number one in everything? How could she hate the girl that captivated her mind 24/7? How could she hate the girl she would willingly be number two for?

And as Natasha looked back at Wanda then Y/n, a realization suddenly hit her. ‘You like her.’ But Natasha didn’t dare to confess this outloud but it was so obvious. ‘What else would eat her up this way?’ Natasha thought. 

On the other side of the party, Wanda could feel eyes on her. Looking around the room, she finally connected to the brown eyes she knew well. Unknowingly, the sight of Natasha being so close aggravated the brunette for some reason.

But all Wanda could focus on was how soft Y/n’s stare was. There was no jealousy or bitterness about them. And that captivated Wanda even more because this was the first time that Y/n had ever looked at Wanda that way. 

Suddenly, all the air shifted in the room, and Wanda couldn’t help but think, “Why does she hate me?” 

Natasha left after her tenth shot as her girlfriend dragged her away. Feeling no reason to stay any longer, Y/n made her way out the frat house when she bumped into Wanda. 

The red head was unable to stand up straight, almost falling if it weren’t for Y/n’s arms. “Hey - hey - are you okay?” 

Here was the gaze again, the same one Wanda felt half an hour ago. It was almost too much to handle the first time, leading Wanda to drink even more. It was stupid, nonetheless, Wanda was drunk and the very reason why was the same one holding her. 

Feeling too much, Wanda leaned away as she puked into the bush. Almost wanting to puke from the sight, Y/n held Wanda’s hair back as she patted her back. “There - there.” 

Y/n looked around and was thankful that no one was here to witness this scene. As much as she hated Wanda, Y/n didn’t want this image to be in people’s heads. 

Standing back up, Wanda teared up, hating the feeling of puking. 

“Hey - it’s gonna be okay.” Not knowing what compelled her to do this, Y/n used the bottom of her shirt to wipe Wanda’s mouth. She didn’t care if puke got on her. The idea of Wanda crying infront of her was worse than puke. 

“Let me take you back home. You can’t walk in these conditions.” Was Y/n thankful that Wanda had bumped into her? No…well at least that’s what she would say out loud. But as Y/n walked Wanda back to her dorm, the awful thought of Wanda unsafely walking by herself at night made her sick. 

Arriving to dorm 321, Y/n swiped the key card, opening the door to a cold room. Carefully leading Wanda to her bed, Y/n lifted the white duvet, allowing Wanda to crawl in. 

When Wanda looked comfortable, Y/n looked around the room, noticing the minifridge at the corner. Opening it up, Y/n grabbed a water bottle and placed it at Wanda’s nightstand. 

Although Y/n could leave, the sight of Wanda sleeping made her freeze. Many thoughts slipped through her mind, some that she would blame the alcohol on. But there was this worrying feeling in her heart as the thought of Wanda puking in her sleep crossed her mind. 

No one would be able to help her in time considering she didn’t have a roommate. Groaning at her predicament, Y/n looked around the room. There was no spare pillow or blanket. It would be a rough night and the competition was soon. Looking at the clock on her wall, the bus would be ready to leave at 8:00 am giving Y/n around six and half hours to sleep. 

Was it worth it to stay at all? Would Wanda be fine? But as Y/n helped Wanda turn on her side to sleep, the brown eyed girl knew her answer. 

“Wanda, I’m going to be on the floor. If you need anything, just let me know.” There was no response from Wanda. Figuring she could leave before Wanda woke up in the morning, Y/n laid down on the ground, feeling cold from the intense air conditioning.

‘I can’t sleep if I’m freezing to death.’ The thought of using the rug below her as a blanket crossed her mind. Before she could say fuck it, Wanda’s voice caught her attention.

“Why do you hate me?” Glancing towards the bed, Y/n couldn’t see Wanda’s face from her view at the floor. Laying back down, Y/n looked at the ceiling, surprised that Wanda was even up.

“What makes you think that?” It was rude to dampen a drunk girl, that much was common sense for Y/n. So rather than outwardly admit anything, she rediverted it back to Wanda. 

“I can’t recall a moment where you were kind to me.” Y/n froze as she thought about that moment back in the library, wondering if Wanda had her flannel in her dresser. “And I don’t think you’ve said a nice thing about me…so you must hate me.” 

Oh how wrong Wanda was. Because the truth of it all, Y/n never hated Wanda. She could never hate the girl that pushed her to do her best everyday. She could never hate the girl that would go above and beyond for people that need help. She could never hate the girl she lived and breathed for. 

“I have said nice things about you,” Y/n whispered. The two never spoke like this before and it terrified Y/n to even admit such things. “You just have to look inbetween the lines. You’re smart - so I guess I hoped you saw through them.” 

Wanda was too drunk to really recall anything. She wanted so badly to ask but was afraid of the truth. “Are you ready for the competition?” 

Looking back up, Wanda had scooted to the edge of the bed, her eyes connecting with Y/n. “I think so. Do you think you’ll win?” 

Pulling the duvet away from her mouth, Wanda looked away as she said, “If I don’t, I’ll just disappoint my father.” 

“You wouldn’t disappoint me.” Wanda looked back at Y/n. Had she not been drunk, the intensity of her words and stare would have made her combust. 

But as the long night finally reached Wanda, she suddenly fell asleep before she could respond back. “Nothing you could ever do would disappoint me, Wanda.”

Competition Day - Spring Semester

Waking up to the sound of her alarm, Wanda panicked at the time. Immediately rushing to brush her teeth and change her clothes, she rushed out of her dorm, almost forgetting the important papers for the competition. 

As she ran on to the bus, sparing ten minutes, she looked around to see that everyone besides two people were left. The migraine in her head was hard to ignore, regardless, Wanda was thankful that she made it on time. 

Soon, the remainder of the team hopped on board, choosing a free row for themselves. Since it was a four hour ride, Wanda didn’t bother lecturing the team this early about the competition. She could do that later. 

Finding a free row near the front, she sat down at the seat closest to the window. Cursing herself for even drinking so much, Wanda glanced over and noticed that Y/n was across from her. She had jeans and white shirt on with a weird stain at the bottom. 

Wanda almost wanted to yell at her for not being in uniform when she noticed that she was asleep. Feeling another headache, Wanda focused on trying to find medicine in her backpack, the events of last night gone from her memory. 

Taking an ibuprofen, Wanda pulled out her notes and studied some problems. And although she didn’t remember, the girl across from her did as she finally got some sleep, having been up all night making sure that Wanda was safe and sound. 

Chapter 3

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[wip]

A very very minor thing I have been curious about for a while, and I'm finally asking: why do you calculate queue posting times the way you do? For example, if I set my queue to post 3x a day, naively I would expect it to post every 8 hours. But in reality it posts every 6 hours with a 12 hour gap between days. Why complicate the math like that?

Answer: Hello @circumference-pie!

Buckle up y’all, it’s story time again!

First: nobody who works at Tumblr right now was a part of the work of planning the default queue implementation, which was more than ten years ago. So the full story behind “Why does it work that way?” has unfortunately been lost to the sands of time. All we can do is tell you how it works today and surmise some reasons why. The queue is actually a very clever system and part of how it works explains some of why it works the way it does. Also, there have been attempts to do what you ask—we still have “Queue 2.0” available in your Tumblr Labs settings, which tries to get closer to how you expect things to work.

Anyway! How the queue works today is not actually a queue in the traditional sense. There is no single list of posts that are in “your queue”. Instead, when you “Add to queue” after creating a post, we’re actually scheduling it to post at a future time, as if you had used the “Schedule post” option instead. We’re just calculating that time on your behalf when you use “Add to queue”, based on your settings, and how many other scheduled posts you have already. We use a secondary “index” model, called “ScheduledPost”, to keep track of posts you have scheduled on your blog. We do mark the ones that are a part of “your queue”, but the data model doesn’t keep one list of your “queue” per se.

You can see this in action on your blog, hiding in plain sight. If you add a bunch of posts to your queue, and then schedule a post for a specific future date, you’ll see both in your blog’s “queue” list, side by side. Because technically to us, they’re the same thing: queued posts are really just another kind of scheduled post, relying on the same always-running service to publish scheduled posts across all of Tumblr. Here’s a fun fact: we typically have about ~14.5 million future posts to publish from this list at any given time and are publishing hundreds of these scheduled posts every second.

So when you’re adding a new post to your queue, what we’re doing behind the scenes is starting at the beginning of your “day”, and creating time slots based on your queue settings. If a time slot is already filled, we move on to the next one. That’s why the default queue scheduler works how you describe—we’re trying to fill those “slots” based on the start of the day, rather than trying to divide the calendar day evenly. This just makes it much simpler for us to understand, scale, and predict when our “peaks” will be. At peak times, the publish-scheduled-posts service is publishing tens of thousands of posts in a manner of seconds. We did rewrite that post-publishing part of this architecture a few years ago to improve its efficiency and solve a lot of “lost post” bugs, but we didn’t change how “Add to queue” works.

However, the Queue 2.0 project available in Labs was an attempt to change the queue system to work as you expect—instead of starting at [beginning of day] and creating enough slots to fit [number of slots] every [number of hours], it tries to divide the calendar day into [number of slots] and fit the result back to the original algorithm’s mapping of the day. We never productionized this alternative approach, because it has a few bugs that some blogs hit in extreme cases, and we’ve never had time to fully fix them. It also can cause a bit of weirdness when time zones diverge, like with daylight savings time. Also, a lot of people prefer the default algorithm, and we haven’t thought of a nice way to transition everyone from one to the other. So for now, both options exist, and you can choose which algorithm for queue-slot-generating you want to use. We hope that makes sense! 

While complicated, it is a great example of a system built by engineers to make sense and be scalable and predictable. But sometimes these kinds of systems, while clever, aren’t very intuitive to understand without digging into how they work.

Thanks for your question, and keep ’em coming. 

[dronebiscuitbat]

Give me a Reason: Chapter 19 - "Best Freind"

N: U sure ur okay?

Uzi sighed as she crashed into her mattress, body feeling sore and head full of cotton balls. Tessa had just pulled out of the driveway and N was already texting her.

She wasn't sure when they'd actually become friends, maybe somewhere between ghost hunting and getting kicked in the gut she'd somehow made that connection. But she was absolutely not used to someone being this worried.

He'd incessantly asked what had happened for her to get so injured. And she'd incessantly deflected, either saying that it was nothing serious- which was bullshit, it hurt like hell. Or, at the cost of her ego- she lied and said it was an accident.

She just wasn't sure how he'd react to the truth, he'd probably be even more worried then, knowing that someone did this to her on purpose.

Or… he'd laugh at her. Because she was weak, because she'd put herself in a vulnerable position and then couldn't take a little pain an-

N: You can talk to me.

N: No pressure.

N: Just worried about you :(

The new messages stopped that train of thought. No. He wouldn't laugh. Even her chronic cynicism couldn't convince her of that.

Finally, instead of staring at his messages, she responded.

Uzi: Promise you won't say anything? Or laugh.

N: Promise

She sighed, here goes nothing…

Uzi: I got kicked in the stomach, u know how I seemed upset that I knew someone in my math class? It was them.

The reply actually took a minute to come back.

And that was because N had all of air knocked out of him at that reply. She'd been hit? Purposefully? And hard enough to give her a serious injury? Why? She was so nice! And cool!

N: Who?

Uzi: Lizzy, she's a teachers aid now, but she was in my class last year.

Uzi: It's not the first time she's thrown a punch, just caught me off gaurd this time.

Once again, N was floored, a teachers aid!?

N: I'd never laugh at you. But you should report her, she shouldn't be working with students if she thinks that's okay.

Uzi huffed through her nose, a half-laugh that was drenched in a depressing kind of acceptance.

Uzi: It's not like they'd believe me. I'm not exactly a model student.

She sat her phone down and shucked off her jacket and beanie, hissing as her side throbbed dully. This had been such a day…

Her hand instinctually reached for her stash drawer before she even realized, and in another, she was looking at it's false bottom.

As tempting as it was- and it was very tempting. Drug mixing wasn't smart even if one of them was just an over-the-counter pain reliever, and adding a bad trip on an already shitty day didn't sound fun.

So instead she wrapped herself in the biggest, comfiest shirt she could find and grabbed her laptop, maybe she could distract herself with YouTube.

N: What do you mean by that?

Oh right, she'd never mentioned the fact she'd been held back to him, whoops.

Uzi: I was held back a year. I'm 19.

N: Oh wow! You're older then me!

N: Still it can't have been that bad. Failing a class isn't a reason to not belive you.

Uzi smirked, fingers clicking on the keys of her laptop as she tried to find something to watch- settling on an analysis video of one of the shows she was watching.

Uzi: I was high in class and a teacher called the campus police.

It took nearly twenty minutes for him to respond to that.

N:Sorry, got home and had to get up to my room.

N:You were WHAT?!

N: That's a crime!

Uzi: And so is trespassing on JCJenson private property to ghost hunt.

N blushed, now laying on his bed in a grey pajama shirt and pants with dogs printed on them, he held his phone close to his face as he grumbled, she had him there, but that hadn't really felt like a crime at the time…

N: I think you're a bad influence.

N: Also you're deflecting, drugs are bad! And unhealthy!

Uzi rolled her eyes at that, he wasn't the first person to tell her that. But you know what was worse? Dealing with herself unmedicated, without her stash, her head just got fuzzier and fuzzier, and before she knew it… she'd be having a full mental meltdown at the slightest provocation. Which she hated, she never felt like herself during those…

Uzi: Probably. But you see why they won't believe me over miss perfect.

N: Yeah okay, now I'm gonna be worried tho. I don't want you being hurt.

She smiled at that, this boy was so endlessly empathetic, and thankfully, her unloading some not-so-great facts about herself didn't seem to put him off either.

Uzi: Ew, don't worry over me. That's gay.

And yet she couldn't help but make a joke over it.

N: ???

N: how?

N: how does my worry make me gay?

Uzi: It's not manly.

Uzi: Empathy is a girly emotion.

She was snickering to herself, she didn't actually believe that of course, but she could almost see his reaction to it. That stupid, confused and amused smile that he wore when she made a particularly dumb joke.

N: Guess I'm gay then.

N: Cause I'm always going to worry. You're my freind.

N:Best Freind?

Her heart fluttered full of butterflies at that. Is that what he wanted? From her? She was so convinced he'd find someone else to hang out with but here he was, asking to continue this…

Whatever this was.

Uzi: Always knew I'd end up with a gay best freind.

Uzi: u can't borrow my makeup.

N: Awww, but it would look so good on me!

Uzi thought about that for a moment, imagining N with dark eyeshadow, lipstick, and black nails, and she about choked, she wasn't sure if it was funny or weirdly attractive.

Uzi: Dude that mental image.

Uzi: It's so cursed, I about choked.

N: Blursed

N: It's Blessed and Cursed

The conversation continued, the fuzz in her head slowly dissipating even without the assistance of her stash, and it continued late into the night… up until she heard Khan pull onto the driveway at 2am.

Uzi: Oh god, it's 2am. We need to sleep.

N: I didn't realize! We're gonna be zombies…

Uzi: More of a zombie u mean?

N: Yeh. U still in pain? Are u going to sleep ohay?

N: Okay* oof, sleepy fingers.

Even while about to pass out. He was still worried…

Uzi: I'm okay, pain isn't bad. U need sleep N

N: Ok, text you tmmrow, Uzi. Goodnight.

Uzi: Night N.

[moongothic]

So for a while I had wanted to make a knitted sweater or a cardigan with thick, vertical stripes. Needless to say though I was having a hard time brainstorming HOW to make that such a thing. Colorwork would be doable if I wanted to do thin stripes, but I wanted the stripes to be like a good 5-8 cm wide. That would result in a lot of extremely long floats, which would make knitting it a pain in the ass and far beyond my skill level (if not straight up impossible?), but also it'd be such a waste of yarn. But, I figured... people make granny square sweaters and cardigans where they sew the individual pieces together. Hell, knitters make sweaters and cardigans in pieces too. So, if I wanted to knit something with vertical stripes, what'd stop me from knitting each stripe as an individual piece and then sewing them together?

Now, a lot of this project was me figuring things out as I went along (partially because for a while I wasn't sure if this project would work out, and if I'd be able to make a cardigan at all or if I'd have to make a sweater instead), knitting pieces and sewing them together as I went instead of making all the pieces first and then putting them all together in a grand finale. So I don't have photos of the individual stripes I knit up pre-sewing. Each stripe ended up being about 7 cm wide but their lenghts vary depending on where they're placed (sides are shorter to make room for the arms etc), and two stripes on the front I knit into a sharp point to shape the neck opening. In total I knit 13 pieces to make the body of the cardigan

Now I did originally intend to just sew the pieces together using mattress stitch, but as I was sewing, I just... Did not like how it was turning out. It wasn't quite as seamless as I had hoped it would be, but more importantly, if you pulled on the sewn pieces at all you'd end up with a gaping hole between the pieces (not pictured) that just felt really unsecure. So I tried just crocheting the pieces and, honestly, I did prefer it quite a bit. It felt stronger than the mattress stitch and it blended into the knit way better, so that's what I ended up going with

I did however mattress stitch the tops together (I don't understand why it felt better/stronger up there than on the sides but whatever, if it works it works)

I did originally make arm holes waaay too big by accident. Fortunately it was easy to fix though, since I had made sure all the pieces were attached the same way- starting row at the bottom edge and bind-off at the top. I just had to undo the bind off on the side pieces of the cardigan and knit a few more rows before binding off again (and crocheting the extended sections together), aka I didn't have to rip the cardigan apart or anything to redo these sections (Yellow stripe on the left has already been extended (black marker shows where I picked up from), about to start knitting the black stripe on the right)

With all of that done, the body of the cardigan was mostly done! I was maybe a liiittle bit concerned about the fit, but I knew I wanted the ribbing to be as wide as the stripes were, so the ribbing was going to "complete" the fit; I had taken that into considderation when I was originally mathing out the size of the cardigan (how many stripes I'd have to make and how wide they'd have to be etc (though I did have to adjust that math a few times during the process lmao)) (Also; the reason I wanted to make a cardigan instead of a sweater is because I prefer clothes I can wear open. Like I don't really like hoodies without zippers because I can't open them, where as hoodies that do have zippers I wear all the time and I pretty much always leave them open. So even if this cardigan had turned out a little snug, it'd be fine, because I know I wouldn't button it up anyways lmao)

I figured doing the ribbing in crochet would be easier, but man. It took me fucking forever to figure out how to do the ribbing. For starters, the yellow yarn I've been using I've actually been holding double this whole time (while knitting), and so I was unsure if I wanted to hold it double for the ribbing as well or hold it single. I was also unsure if I wanted to do the ribbing in slip stitch, single crochet or double, not to mention figuring out the right hook size. I really did try like 5-10 different combinations before I landed on doing double crochet ribbing with the yarn held single. Like I had wanted to try other methods because I feel like double crochet is too hole-y and loose, but all the other methods made a really thick fabric, much thicker than the knit. And I just didn't like that. The double crochet/held single was the only way to get a fabric that was the same thickness as the knit, so that's what I ended up going with. On the plus side, it was also faster to work up lmao

Once I figured out what technique I wanted to use I just had to crochet the damn thing. Which was fine, though I felt like the ribbing was making the cardigan flare out weirdly (in hindsight I think I was just slightly loosing it at this point lmao I can't see what was wrong with the ribbing looking at that photo again fjdghksdf), so I also did a round around the edge of the ribbing to help secure it into a tighter shape. Once the front of the ribbing was done, I did the bottom ribbing and cleaned that edge up too

And then I ran out of yarn

More specifically, I had been using scrap black yarn I already had in my stash. And after I started knitting the sleeves with the remaining balls, having successfully turned the vest into a button-up t-shirt, yeah, ran out of black. So I had to go and order some more black yarn, one or two balls would probably be enough, just need some cheap wool But I don't want to pay 5 bucks in shipping for 5 bucks of wool, man. If I'm gonna order something I might as well make it worth the shipping (or even better, get the free shipping). Now the plot twist is that I originally began working on this cardigan back in September, and when I ran out of yarn it was October. And I knew in a few weeks I'd be going to a Spooky Convention, and I wanted to wear something Halloween-y to said Spooky Convention. So I put this cardigan on hold for like three weeks (in total) so I could crochet a Spooky Cardigan for the convention.

So yeah this cardigan I did start before I made that other one. Lmao.

Anyway, once that other project was done I finally got back to working on This Fucking Thing and finishing it with the yarn I had gotten. Hilariously the yarn I had bought was actually too thin so I had to hold it double to finish the sleeves, but it's fiiine, I've used all sorts of scrap black yarns for this project and could not tell the difference on what yarn has been used where, it's all wool (or wool alpaca mix) And once the knitting was done, I crochet'd some simple cuffs on the sleeves so it'd match the ribbing. I blocked the cardigan, weaved in all the bajillion ends and sewed on some buttons.

I'm deeply upset blocking ruined the shaping of the collar/ribbing. Like I should've seen it coming, I know crochet is stiff innitially but becomes loose and wavey when blocked. But I somehow forgot, and now the collar looks dumb as hell. Also, because the ribbing is quite thin, it can't actually support the buttons I had picked out for the cardigan, so they just kinda. Flop around and sit there, looking sad and flaccid. Of course, the buttons would be very easy to switch out (esp since I haven't weaved them in yet) but there's a part of me that feels like I should undo the whole ribbing and redo it to fix the collar. But. I've already weaved in everything. Undoing the weaving would be a massive pain in the ass, there's so many yarn ends in there... And I'm not sure I care enough to put in that effort into this.

Another minor thing is that I feel like the neck opening is a bit too open for my personal taste- like the cardigan fits on me perfectly, I did my math just fine on that front, but I prefer something that hugs my neck more and this is really open (especially after blocking ruined my perfect, fitted collar). So I should've left the front black stripes normal instead of doing the shaping on them, or something like that

All of that aside though, I am happy with how this cardigan turned out (especially it's technically my first one, even if I didn't finish it first), it fits perfectly and I'll absolutely wear it around home, it's nice and comfy and warm and that's all I wanted and needed

[machetesquirrel]

Neurodivergent Study Tips

A teacher at my school asked me if I had any study tips for other students with ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, ect. so I typed up a little list. Thought others might find it helpful as well! Sorry it's so long. This is just my experience, so they probably won't work for everyone, I would love it if everyone could add on there own things they do to stay focused.

Do you have something that you’re really obsessed with whether it be a piece of media, a video game, a book, a certain subject or a time period in history? Try to relate it to what you are learning! 

-Use mnemonic devices related to your special interest or current thing you’re really into.. When I often need to memorize certain terms I like to make my mnemonic devices relate to the tv shows I like (ex. I  needed to memorize the three main gunpowder empires so I used the term “Silly Oncologist Man” which reminded me of Wilson from House MD but the first letter of each word matches the name of each gunpowder empire; the Safavids, the Ottoman Empire, and the Mughal Empire.) 

-Relate the things you like to what you are learning about.  Find a way to tie in the things you enjoy into what you are learning about. For math and science this can be quite easy, especially when you are learning about motion and other things that can be applied easily to many scenarios (I turned all my equations on calculating the motion of an object into playing roller derby or throwing projectiles in dnd or video games I like) For me I often relate political movements in fictional TV shows to the part of American history or philosophy they most align with, I find that any TV shows with complex fictional governments or that explore certain themes and ideologies are good for this (I used the Battlestar Galactica Reboot for this, but you can really use anything that you’re interest in, even other parts of history, this can also help you develop a deeper understanding!) 

-Find some way to fit something you like or what you’re interested in into your study routine. I often have the soundtracks of my favorite tv shows, movies or video games playing in the background as I study, or I often keep something that reminds me of the things I like nearby.  (I like drinking coffee while studying because it helps me focus and reminds me of my favorite character Ianto from the tv show Torchwood, similarly I also have a scented candle I like that smells like the Sunnydale Library from Buffy the Vampire Slayer burning while I work) 

Find ways to reward yourself for studying. 

- Make a tangible final product. I often find that making a tangible product relating to what I’m learning or what I’m interested in can be quite helpful. For example, instead of just forcing myself to memorize all the neurotransmitters and parts of the brain for AP Psychology I made up a fake video game where each of the neurotransmitters was a member of an alien punk band and the parts of the brain were places they went on tour. I was able to make little skill trees for each of the neurotransmitters as their character leveled up relating to the effects of what would happen if you had too much or too little of that neurotransmitter, also allowing me to memorize the different causes of mental illnesses at the same time. At the end of this project not only did I have a little booklet and ton of sketches of my neurotransmitter characters, as well as many accompanying pinterests boards but I also memorized all the terms I needed to know, often in far more depth than my classmates because I would look up additional information to complete my project. Plus if you have something you can take with you outside of school and show to other people it often leaves you feeling much more fulfilled. 

-Use Technology I use a lot of study and task tracking apps to motivate myself to study. My favorites are the ones that tie you studying to taking care of some kind of virtual pet or gaining in game items. My favorites are Study Bunny which allows to gain coins every time you study to better take care of your virtual bunny, Finch which is more of a self care app but you can also use to set goals for the day to take care of your virtual pet bird, Focus Traveller which also lets you make soundscapes and travel a mountain by studying more, Habitica a fantasy themed task managing app where you get coins and equipments for completing tasks and Hatch where you get to hatch alien creatures for studying. You can also use rewards not tied to an app but tied to something you like to do or something that you are interested in, but I also just like the apps.  

-Make your place to study actually fun to be in. I know this can be a lot harder for some people depending on if you actually have your own space at home. But you can even bring a cute action figure or good luck charm to put with you while you study, or just find a place in your school where you like to be (I have a favorite spot in my school library where I love to sit in for studying.) Your environment could also include playing the kind of music you like while studying or creating a special soundscape with calming sounds like rain or birds. I also often like lighting a scented candle or incense while I work because I really like good smelling things and it makes me happy to be at my desk. I also just have fun stickers on my laptop and a cute computer mouse that has just the best texture, making me happy to work.  

Find ways to prevent yourself from leaving your desk or stopping the task you are doing. 

Create a reason why you can’t leave your study space or stop your task. For this I often like to light a scented candle because I can’t leave an open flame unattended for more than a few minutes because my cat Gus has a death wish. So because I don’t want to waste matches I often find myself staying put and continuing to work as opposed to getting up and wandering the house to go bother the rest of my family. You can also use an app like Study Bunny or Hatch that sets a timer for how long you need to stay put. 

Incorporate movement into your studying. I am often very very fidgety and find myself often leaving my desk to wander around the house if I haven’t moved for long enough. Instead I have started pacing while reading my textbooks or using a fidget while studying so I can still get some movement in. My mom has a little mini elliptical thing she keeps under her desk which she finds very helpful as well, though that can be a bit expensive. 

Limit technology based distractions. Apps like Study Bunny or Hatch will stop you from accessing the rest of your phone without losing your progress, which can stop you from getting distracted and texting your friends or scrolling social media. I also have the software Virtual Cabin which not only makes it feel like you are studying in a cozy cabin with a cute cat/dog and nice music/nature sounds but also blocks the rest of your computer from view, keeping yourself focused on whatever you are doing.  Frankly I just find myself trying to do assignments on paper/analog as much as I can because it eliminates the temptation of me switching out of what I am doing and looking at something else on my computer. 

Find ways to hold yourself accountable. I often find that telling someone that I am going to do homework before I do it can be helpful. I even sometimes tell them what assignments I am doing so they can check in to see if  I actually did them, though I often find this a bit stressful. My best suggestion is to find someone who understands how your brain works so they won’t shame you if it gets in the way of you doing work and they can even help come up with new strategies for working more effectively. For example I often tell my penpal that I am doing homework because they believe in me but they also have issues focusing and staying calm sometimes so they understand if sometimes that stuff gets in the way. You can also just sit with someone very quietly and work next to them this is called “body doubling” and I find that if I am working while someone else is working I feel more motivated to work and less likely to go through social media, because frankly I don’t want them to see the weird crap that I google when I’m trying to avoid doing homework (way too many questions about the lore surrounding video games I’ve never played and have no intention to play, and many weird questions for my various creative writing projects.) 

[reixtsu]

Chapter 1: Banter and Bites

Synopsis: You enjoy a peaceful morning at your favorite café with your friend, Layla, until Kaveh and Alhaitham, two charming scholars, interrupt with their playful argument. After offering a food suggestion, you have a brief but memorable encounter with them, leaving you flustered-only to remind yourself that you already have a boyfriend.

wk: 2k

Taglist: @kaeyasrose

Masterlist Series Masterlist

Notes: I stared at my computer for a while before writing this. I was willing myself to just write something, anything, and after an unnecessary all-nighter full of stress, I got the first chapter done! Let me know what you all think! Also, Happy new years! Hope you all have a wonderful year this year!

Just when the sun began to rise, painting the sky with golden streaks, you liked to make yourself a nice cup of coffee. The comforting warmth of the cup rested between your palms, like a gentle wake-up call-a reminder that you were alive and well. At least, as well as one could be.

Today, however, you weren’t drinking coffee alone. Instead, you found yourself at a cozy café with your best friend, Layla. Her usual baggy eyes and constant yawning were absent, replaced by an unusual spark of energy that danced in her gaze.

“Finally got a good night’s sleep, huh?” you teased, glancing up from your notes from last class.

The blue-haired girl hummed in agreement, her head bobbing slightly as she cradled her coffee cup. “I did. I found this pill that really helps with sleep. I haven’t felt this alive in months!”

You chuckled, relieved to see her looking more vibrant. “Good. I’d hate to see you walking around like a zombie again.” Taking a sip of your coffee, you let the bitter taste linger on your tongue before melting away.

The caféwas bathed in the soft glow of morning light, golden rays filtering through wide windows and dancing across polished wooden tables. The quiet hum of conversation mingled with the faint hiss of an espresso machine, creating a gentle rhythm that matched the start of a new day. Potted plants adorned the corners, their vibrant green leaves catching the sunlight, while the faint aroma of freshly brewed coffee and warm pastries lingered in the air- a tranquil haven before the day’s chaos began.

“Any progress on your side of the project?” Layla asked, a small smile playing on her lips.

“Yep. Finished the math part and made some notes that might help with your portion. Here.” Setting her coffee down, she reached into her bag and pulled out a neatly rolled scroll. You arched a brow, smirking as you took it from her hands.

“You always take care of me, you know that?” you teased, unrolling the scroll and scanning her meticulous notes.

The project focused on astrological predictions for climate shifts in Sumeru—analyzing how the positions of the stars could influence the seasons and weather patterns. Layla’s calculations were, as always, precise and impressive.

“Thanks for this, Layla. I’ll draft the essay tonight,” you said with a wink, setting the scroll on the wooden table between you.

Layla’s cheeks tinted slightly as she nodded, her shyness creeping in. “Thank you for being my partner, Y/N. You make work so much easier.”

You laughed softly. “No problem!”

Later, the hot Sumeru sun blazed down your back as you fanned yourself. Lunchtime meant you had a precious thirty minutes to grab a bite before your next lecture.

The campus around you bustled with life. Students of all ages moving through the towering, forest-inspired buildings. In the heart of it all was a familiar spot: Ametsuchi Bistro, an Inazuman-inspired restaurant nestled within the campus mall.

As you stepped into Ametsuchi Bistro, a wave of nostalgia washed over you. The warm glow of lanterns cast a soft, golden hue across the room, reminiscent of the evenings back home in Inazuma. The gentle hum of traditional shamisen music played in the background, blending seamlessly with the quiet chatter of patrons.

The air was filled with the familiar aroma of freshly brewed tea and sizzling takoyaki, instantly grounding you. Wooden beams crisscrossed the ceiling, their dark, polished surface gleaming faintly in the light. Delicate paper screens partitioned the room, creating cozy little nooks that reminded you of sitting around the kotatsu during chilly evenings.

Your gaze drifted to the walls, adorned with hand-painted depictions of Inazuman landscapes-stormy seascapes, serene cherry blossoms, and the towering silhouette of Narukami Shrine. Each detail whispered of home, evoking a comforting ache of familiarity.

Sliding into your usual seat at the bar, you felt the worn but sturdy wood beneath your hands. It reminded you of the weathered countertops of your family kitchen, where you once sat, listening to the sound of rain against the windows. The chef greeted you with a subtle nod, his voice steady and calm, adding to the sense of quiet belonging.

This place wasn’t just a restaurant. It was a pocket of home nestled in the bustling heart of Sumeru, a refuge where the past felt close enough to touch.

“The usual?” the chef asked as you started getting comfortable on your seat.

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

After a short time waiting, you settled on a simple yet flavorful dish: freshly grilled teriyaki salmon served over a bed of steaming rice and crisp vegetables. The aroma alone made your stomach rumble, and as you sank your teeth into the first bite, the flavors unfolded beautifully. The salmon was tender and perfectly glazed, the sweetness of the teriyaki sauce balanced by a subtle smokiness. Each mouthful melted on your tongue, and the warm, comforting blend of rice and savory juices made you close your eyes in bliss.

For a moment, it felt like nothing could ruin your peaceful lunch-until voices broke through the gentle hum of the restaurant.

“I told you I was paying today!”

“No, you didn’t. And even if you had, your budgeting skills are atrocious.”

The bickering grew louder, pulling you from your meal. Lifting your gaze, you spotted two familiar figures near the counter. Alhaitham stood, arms crossed with an exasperated look, while Kaveh gestured dramatically, holding his wallet as though it were a shield in an impending battle.

“I’m not letting you pay! You’d pick something boring to save mora!”

“And you’d overspend on something ridiculous again.”

You sighed, setting your fork down and awkwardly watched the scene unfold, your once-perfect moment of solitude now thoroughly interrupted.

You watched their back-and-forth, a small frown tugging at your lips. Despite the playful bickering, you couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Kaveh. He was clearly trying so hard to be the bigger person, yet Alhaitham’s calm, almost indifferent attitude kept shutting him down. You couldn’t help but think Kaveh deserved a little more credit for his efforts.

Though it annoyed you that your peaceful moment was now caught in the middle of their argument, you decided to step in before it escalated any further. You placed your napkin down gently, taking a deep breath to calm yourself, and made your way to the counter.

As you approached, both their eyes turned to you, a slight pause in their heated exchange. You smiled politely, not wanting to seem rude. "Hey, I couldn't help but overhear, and…” you hesitated just slightly, wondering if you were intruding. "It seems like you're both pretty passionate about food, so if you’d like, I can recommend a few dishes."

Kaveh’s expression softened slightly at the suggestion, though he still looked a little flustered. "Oh, really?" He shifted, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "I could use some backup here. He’s impossible when it comes to meal choices."

You chuckled quietly, your tone light and nonchalant. “I totally get it. I’m a big fan of the chef’s special miso soup… it’s savory without being too heavy. And if you want something sweet, their matcha tiramisu is amazing.”

Alhaitham raised an eyebrow, his lips quirking upward ever so slightly, or was it your imagination? "I suppose I could try the tiramisu... if it’s as good as you say."

Kaveh beamed at the shift in the conversation, a golden aura of pride surrounding him. "See? You do have a soft spot for sweets!"

You smiled again, feeling a bit more at ease now that the tension had loosened. "I hope I didn’t interrupt anything too important. I just thought I’d offer a little help." You felt a small blush creep onto your cheeks, worried you might’ve come off as too forward, especially two two handsome tall men who have a name in Sumeru.

Alhaitham, however, just nodded in acknowledgment. "Appreciated. We can’t argue about everything, I suppose."

Kaveh winked at you. “Thanks for the suggestions. You saved me from another pointless battle."

A blush started to paint on your face but you simply just gave them a small bow. “It’s no problem, really. I'm a regular here… so… I know all the food.” You let out a little laugh, nervous.

A blush started to paint on your face, but you simply gave them a small bow. “It’s no problem, really. I’m a regular here… so… I know all the food.” You let out a little laugh, nervous, but trying to stay calm. You hoped you didn’t come off as too awkward.

Kaveh’s gaze softened slightly, noticing the slight flush on your cheeks, and he leaned a little closer, curiosity piqued. "A regular, huh? Guess that explains why you seem so comfortable here. And you’ve got good taste in food too." He tilted his head, a playful smile tugging at his lips. "I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before though. You sure you’ve been coming here a lot?"

You nodded quickly, trying to reassure him. "Yeah, definitely. I just usually grab takeout or come with a friend. It’s rare I sit down, but…" you glanced around, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious. “It’s nice to sit here for a change."

Kaveh raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. “Hm, well, I’m glad you decided to stay today. You’ve got a nice energy about you." He grinned, leaning back slightly. "I’m Kaveh, by the way. And this is Alhaitham," he added, nodding toward the other man, who was already flipping through a small book of notes he had pulled out from his bag, seemingly unimpressed by the exchange.

You gave them both a small nod. “Nice to meet you both.” You could feel your nerves kicking in again but tried to push it down, smiling softly.

Alhaitham, never one for small talk, glanced up from his notes and nodded. “Alhaitham,” he said briefly, his voice neutral. “We’ve taken up enough of your time already. We’ll finalize the order now.”

With that, Kaveh grinned and pushed Alhaitham toward the counter, the two of them ordering their meals, their light banter continuing in the background. You watched them for a moment, their effortless chemistry apparent. Once they’d placed their orders, Alhaitham handed over the payment, and Kaveh, still in high spirits, waved a final farewell.

“Take care!” Kaveh called over his shoulder as the two of them left the restaurant, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

You returned to your seat, a flurry of emotions swirling inside you. Your heart was racing a little faster than usual, and you couldn’t help but replay your brief interaction with them over and over. Both Kaveh and Alhaitham were so... striking. Kaveh’s flirtatious energy and teasing smile, Alhaitham’s calm, collected demeanor-they were two sides of a coin that seemed to complement each other effortlessly.

Blushing slightly, you took a bite of your food, hoping to focus on something other than those two handsome scholars. The comforting taste of the miso soup soothed your nerves, but your mind couldn’t help but wander back to their faces. Kaveh had been so charismatic, and Alhaitham-well, Alhaitham was the type to catch your attention without even trying.

But then, just as quickly as your thoughts began to drift, a wave of realization hit you. You already had a boyfriend. You had no reason to let your mind get tangled up in the allure of two people you barely knew.

You groaned inwardly, taking another spoonful of soup, trying to force the thought away. “Get it together,” you muttered under your breath, a little annoyed with yourself. You were here to enjoy your meal, not to daydream about someone else.

But no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t shake the thoughts of Kaveh’s teasing grin and Alhaitham’s intense gaze from your mind. You sighed, realizing this would probably be the last time you’d be able to enjoy a peaceful lunch for a while before life became chaotic with schoolwork again.

Next

[ym4yum1]

Preface — My favorite Spy (4)

November, 2024.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.

Far worse than the sterilization itself was how AoU framed it.

Troubled, Bruce admitted, "There's no future with me. I can't ever… I can't have this. Kids. Do the math. I physically can't."

Natasha opened her heart, "Neither can I. In the Red Room where I was trained, where I was raised… They have a graduation ceremony. They sterilize you. It's efficient. One less thing to worry about. The one thing that might matter more than a mission. Makes everything easier. Even killing. You still think you're the only monster on the team?"

After hearing her emotional confession, Bruce's answer was a flat, "So, we disappear?" That was the end of it.

Infertility is a deeply painful experience for many, and it should never be equated with a person's humanity. Ever. Yet, that's exactly what this infamous exchange implied, even if unintentionally. How did no one — writers, editors, directors — catch this?

Bruce's implication, "I'm a monster, therefore I can't have kids," could never justify or suggest Natasha's conclusion, "I can't have kids, therefore I'm a monster." Right?

Both are deeply flawed — and damaging — ideas.

So… was AoU any good for Bruce Banner's arc?

The scene described above was an unnecessary, uncomfortable moment made worse by his passive reaction, which seemed to tacitly affirm the degrading notion that infertility diminishes a person's worth. Given his expertise in biology and medicine, Bruce should have questioned Natasha's distorted logic, responding with empathy and compassion even if he felt conflicted. Instead, the film depicted him as almost heartless, undermining his intelligence and emotional depth. Both characters were sidelined during a vulnerable moment that could have fostered genuine connection.

Bruce's iconic line, "I'm always angry," in The Avengers (2012) and Hulk's controlled demeanor when the team confronted a defeated Loki in the end of the movie suggested that Bruce had begun to achieve a degree of balance with his troubled alter ego. But in AoU, his sudden dependence on Natasha's "calming lullaby" trope — reminiscent of Beauty and the Beast — felt like a regression, undermining his hard-won progress.

The romantic tension between Natasha and Bruce in AoU also felt problematic, especially in light of Bruce's emotional struggles in The Incredible Hulk (2008). In that film, his physical intimacy with longtime girlfriend Betty Ross was constrained by his condition — any intense emotion, including arousal, could trigger his transformation. In AoU, Bruce's line, "I physically can't," could imply that he believed intimacy, and therefore fatherhood, were out of reach for him. In this context, Natasha's flirtation and sexual innuendo almost felt like emotional torment. Was she knowingly taunting him? A cynical view could suggest that it was all an act — that she was merely manipulating the man to tame the beast. Her actions come across as dismissive and ultimately undermined and trivialized them both.

Side Notes:

In The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes (Season 2, Episode 9, 2012), Bruce was hit with an adrenal inhibitor that temporarily prevented him from transforming into the Hulk — a potential solution if he wanted physical intimacy.

In She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022), Smart Hulk introduced his son, Skaar, in the season finale. In the comics, Skaar is the biological son of the Hulk and the alien Caiera from the planet Sakaar — where MCU Hulk was during Thor: Ragnarok (2017). So, yes — he only needed the right partner after all.

P.S.: I will post the full text here in parts, but you can read it all in the preface of the story posted on Fanfiction, Ao3 or Wattpad. Please, let me know what you think! 🤗😘

[jsmelodies]

Here's part one of my contribution for day 3 of @cassianappreciationweek! I hope you enjoy reading it.

More chapters focusing on Nessian's growing family will be coming out over the course of Cassian week as well. Stay tuned!

Cassian was tired. 

He’d just spend almost two weeks in the Northernmost parts of Illyria, helping to distribute supplies and look after the training of the younger warriors. It hadn’t been a bad visit necessarily, but he hated sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his, and waking up at odd hours of the morning to oversee training. It was draining. Especially since the mating bond had been quieter than he was expecting.

His feet touched down on the balcony of the House of Wind and he made quick work of crossing its halls to get to his room.

At over five hundred, he was getting too old for this. The aching cold had settled into his bones, and he wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed with Nesta, who was likely already asleep. 

She wasn’t asleep. Instead, she was propped up against the headboard, pillows supporting her back, reading what he imagined to be one of her novels. Except she wasn't reading, he realized upon closer inspection. Her eyes were on the page, but it looked like she was reading the same line over and over.

Nesta jolted upright when she noticed his attention on her. “You’re back. I thought you weren’t coming home until tomorrow.”

He offered a tired smile. “I decided to fly through the night. I couldn’t wait to come back home to you.”

Nesta didn’t say anything. Instead, she merely shrunk in on herself, silence lingering for way longer than it should.

Confusion furrowing his brows, Cassian took a step closer. “Is everything alright, sweetheart? You seem-”

The lingering scent of iron registered in his brain before he could finish his sentence. 

“You’re bleeding?” he asked, wings flaring. 

“I was.” 

He knew he was overreacting. Being a typical territorial fae male. But he couldn’t help scanning her entirely, looking for any sign of hurt and evidence of who caused it. If someone had hurt her–

“I got my cycle when you were away.”

Everything in his body relaxed. That is, until he noticed the pained expression she still wore.

Nesta looked ready to collapse, like one poorly placed word might break her. 

Cassian was confused. Yes, he could admit when he was an ignorant male. If her cycle was already over, which by the scent of her it was, he couldn’t for the life of him understand why she was still upset. 

“You should have sent for me, Nes. I would’ve come back to be with you.” Nothing ever would have been able to keep him away, if he’d known. He had wondered why their bond felt a little more closed off than normal. Now it made sense, he supposed.

Her shoulders moved up in a shrug. “I didn’t want to bother you. You had more important things to worry about.”

Bullshit. That was complete and utter bullshit. The last time Nesta had gotten her cycle, he’d been in bed with her for days. She’d gripped his shoulders tight and made him keep his warm hand on her stomach the whole time, the contact seeming to be the only thing that brought her any semblance of relief. 

“No, I really didn’t,” he said. “You’re feeling ok now, though?” he asked. Apprehension laced his tone. Something was off, but he didn’t quite know what it was. 

“It ended yesterday.” She wasn’t looking at him again. “It’s been a while since my last one.”

His mind quickly did the math. “It was almost eight months ago.”

“Yeah.”

Why would that matter? Yes, they’d been trying for nearly a year, but surely she knew how long it might take?

Unless. Unless she didn’t.

“You thought you might have been…”

Once again, Nesta remained silent. Then, a few seconds later, her head dipped in a single nod.

“Oh, sweetheart.” He moved the final few steps to the bed and sat down next to his mate, reaching out his hands to pull her against him.

Her eyes widened, and she moved back an inch. “What are you doing?”

Cassian stopped instantly. “I was going to hold you.” His arms dropped a little. “But I should have asked first. I just thought…”

His words trailed off. Nesta was watching him with an expression he’d never quite seen before, a mixture of confusion and apprehension.

“I didn’t think you would want to,” she said.

His hands fell, running over the soft blankets of their bed. “And why would you think that?” he asked.

“Because I failed.” 

His heart sank in his chest. “What are you talking about?”

“I got my cycle. I…failed.”

“You did not fail,” he almost snarled, holding himself back for her sake. “Do you hear me? You didn’t.”

“But I did. I will. Madja said it might never happen. That because my cycles are as inconsistent as they are, I may never be able to bear a child.” 

He shook his head. “Madja said that might happen. That we might have problems with infertility. It wasn’t a guarantee,” he reminded her. “And plus, fae children take longer to conceive than human ones. Feyre and Rhys were the exception, not the rule.”

“And if it never happens?” she asked. When she looked at him again, her eyes were rimmed with tears. Fuck. “It’s a real possibility. I don’t want you to…regret choosing me.”

“I would never,” he swore.

“You say that now. You’d already be gone, if it was a human marriage,” she said. “Even still, you have an acceptable reason to leave me. No one would question it. All I ask is that if you do, please don’t drag it out. I don’t think I could take that.”

If that didn’t break his heart, Cassian didn’t know what would. 

“Nesta. I’m going to say this as many times as you need to hear it. I do not love you for your ability to give me children.” 

He squeezed her hand in his, and made sure he was looking into her eyes when he continued. “I love you because you’re my brave Valkyrie. Because you are fierce, and strong, and so incredibly kind, even when you try to hide it. And I am proud to call you mine.”

Nesta relaxed a little, and he kept talking. “I want nothing more than to have children with you. You have no idea,” he said. “But for now, maybe the two of us should take a step back.”

He saw the moment his stupidly-phrased words hit their mark, instantly knowing how she had interpreted them. “If that’s what you want,” she whispered. Something like betrayal flickered in her eyes for just a moment, before those bricks rose too quickly, blocking him out. Then she shifted in an attempt to get off the bed. Away from him.

“Fuck. No, Nes, that wasn’t what I meant,” he said, not letting her go too far, stopping her with a hand around her wrist. “I didn’t mean take a step back from you. I just meant, maybe for now, we should stop trying.”

Her brow furrowed. “I don’t understand.”

He took a deep breath. “I hate seeing you like this,” he said. “I hate that you feel like you’ve failed me. That couldn’t be any further from the truth.”

“But I–” Nesta paused, and shook her head. “I don’t get it. I might never be able to have your children, Cassian. I know how much you want them.”

“I do, Nes,” he said. “But I know how much you want them, too. And I made you a vow. I promised you that we would always face these things together. Always. I don’t ever plan to break that promise.”

Her eyes closed in a long blink as she exhaled. Cassian wiped a tear away with his thumb, stopping it before it ran down her face.

“You promise?” she asked quietly.

“I promise,” he repeated.

This time, when he went to hold her in his arms, Nesta didn’t stop him. He hugged her tight, not daring to let go. He didn’t ever want to let go.

“How do you feel about talking to Evelyn again?” he asked, when he felt that she had calmed down.

Evelyn was a couples’ therapist with a practice down in Velaris. They initially enlisted her services after the ordeal with Bryce–he’d seen the distrust and sadness on her face and promptly decided he never wanted to be the cause of it again. Being with each other was something they both wanted to choose, every day.

It had been rough, and messy, and at times, painful. But they got through it. They learned a lot about each other.

He learned that his mate forgave easily, but words lingered longer in her mind than most. Pathetic. Useless. Unworthy. Those were the ones that popped up the most often. So he made a point to replace them whenever he could. Every night before they went to sleep, Cassian placed a kiss on her brow and told her that he loved her. That he valued her. And every night, she looked closer and closer to believing him.

She learned that his jokes and his smiles hid a lot. More than he would like to admit. And when he’d started revealing those insecurities, it was enough to make Nesta tear up in Evelyn’s office.

But this…he had a feeling that they would need to dig deeper for this. That this wasn’t the type of problem that could be fixed with one conversation.

“You think we need to?”

“I think that I want to know where those thoughts are coming from,” he countered. “I think I already know what it is, but I’m not an expert in these things. I just want to make sure we’re doing this for the right reasons.”

The room once again fell into silence while Nesta considered his words. “Okay,” she agreed. “I’ll book an appointment.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

He continued to hold her, his hand stroking gently down her back. The worst of it was over, he knew. For tonight, anyway. But a hollowness still echoed in the room.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t better news,” he said quietly.

She sighed. “I really thought this might have been it. Eight months is a long time, especially to someone like me.”

Someone who used to be human. Someone who used to have a one month cycle.

He understood perfectly. There were some aspects of fae life that he knew she still struggled to adapt to. Scents was one of them. She had trouble picking up on the subtleties of emotion that a person carried, and they usually tended to overwhelm her, especially if she was in a crowded room.

 ”I know it is.”

He broke them apart just enough so he could see her face. “How about this, sweetheart,” he said, once he had her settled against him again. “Let’s enjoy life with just the two of us for a little while longer, while we still can. I’ll take you dancing somewhere new every week–I know you like that. Let me spoil just you for now.”

“You’re saying I have to put up with your company?” Nesta asked the question with a newfound sparkle in her eyes, one that hadn’t been there when he got home.

He rolled his eyes, flicking her nose with her fingers. “Smartass.”

“You love it,” she said, resting her head on his chest.

“That I do,” he agreed. “Now, let me go change out of my leathers and I’ll join you in bed, alright?”

They reluctantly parted. Cassian made quick work of stripping himself of the leathers and changing into a sleep shirt, then he slid back into bed.

“I guess I wouldn’t mind being spoiled by you for a little bit longer,” she said when he returned, settling into his arms. “But I think I also want to negotiate two bakery visits a week.”

“Two, hmm?”

“You know I like my cake.”

“I do know that,” he conceded. “Fine. Dancing once a week, and a bakery trip three times a week. Final offer.”

Nesta snorted, and a grin broke out on her face. “We have a deal.”

He offered her a small smile of his own, and hers softened to a look of pure contentment.

Cassian leaned in. “Can I kiss my beautiful wife?”

She loved it when he called her that. His wife. A person that he had chosen for himself, not some Cauldron or other authority.

Her eyebrow raised. “Just kiss?”

“Mhmm,” he hummed, pressing a light kiss in the space between her jaw and her earlobe, and said, “I want her to know just how much I love her.”

His wife was beautiful when she was flustered. When he pulled away, he found that she was exactly that: eyes blown wide and her lips slightly parted.

Her hands running through his hair was a feeling he would never tire of, and he groaned as she pulled him into a slow kiss. Bodies flush against each other, Cassian traced his fingers down the curve of her body, landing on her hip.

Before he could be tempted to do anything else, Cassian pulled away, noticing the red that had appeared on Nesta’s cheeks.

“Sleep,” he said. “I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.”

He draped a wing over her body and pulled her against him so she was protected. Her head rested along his arm, using it as a pillow, and exhaustion seemed to finally win out in her head as her eyes fluttered shut.

“I’m glad you’re home,” she said, the sound muffling against his chest. “I missed you.”

Cassian held her tighter. “I missed you too, love.”

[spaceselkie]

Beatrice Build Log - The Petticoat and Ruched Skirt

Finally to the first visible layer! This skirt and petticoat were more complicated than they needed to be, once again due to the elliptical shape.

The Hoop Skirt / The Chemise and Corset

First thing that I did was gather up a really long length of poly organza into a waistband. The poly organza was a nightmare to cut and I deeply hated working with it (specifically the cutting - other than that, it was fine). Because of the elliptical shape, it falls higher on the back than the front. I evened out this hem on my dress form by eyeballing it relative to the hoops on the hoop skirt.

I also cut a ruffle - I think it was about 15 inches width or so. I should have been more precise in measuring lengths of the longer tier and the ruffle, because gathering this on to the upper ruffle evenly was a nightmare as well. This was also because my strips weren't all the same length (some were about 60 inches, some were 120) because I changed my mind about how i wanted to cut them after I began to struggle with the organza on the floor. More on the gathering in a minute, though. The above chaos pile is the floor next to my sewing machine while I was finishing the bottom hem of the bottom ruffle. This was an aesthetic step and not strictly required, because I actually did serge all edges of the ruffle, and I serged all non-selvage edges on the main length of the petticoat, so it will not fray.

More on gathering. I didn't take a picture, because I was frustrated. When I have to gather something this long, I prefer to gather in sections. I also tend to have more control and stability of gather stitches when I hand gather, so I did that. The bottom ruffle was 500 something odd inches. Gathering it by hand took me about 3 hours the first time, and I did that based off of math of what my top tier *should* be, without measuring. Well, I gathered wrong, as when I went to place the ruffle, it was too short. I cut out all my gathers, redid my math based off of the skirt measurement, and then gathered again, leaving one of the shorter panels ungathered so I could gather to fit the last of the petticoat.

In my opinion, this was more frustrating than the ruched skirt, although that might be because I had to do it twice.

This won't be the last time you see the green mockup fabric. I made a yoke for the top of the skirt to attach the ruched panels to.

This was more irritating math again, based off of measurements. At first, I was very confident I could just make these panels trapezoids, but I quickly realized shapes don't work like that, so I had to do pythagorean theorem math to get the yoke of the skirt to correspond to what I needed it to be based off of the bottom width of the hoop skirt. Another option that existed here was to have the ruching panels extend all the way up instead of making a yoke for them, but I didn't do this because I was worried about the weight (each panel is already 70 inches, there are 10 of them, and the bridal satin is heavy). Either way, you have to gather the excess at the top into the waistband, and for this one, I did pleats. This was to help control bulk at the hips.

Here are the pleats in question, that no one will ever see on the finished outfit, but that still look very lovely.

Next, I spent about 10 hours rhinestoning the flat ruched panel pieces. I applied well over 2000 rhinestones total for this part. I used my hot fix tool, but I'm planning on gluing rhinestones from this seller going forward because the hotfix glue specifically hates this poly bridal satin. The skirt loses rhinestones frequently, but that's also why I applied so many. When you rhinestone a project, you just have to be prepared to lose some.

Then I sewed the panels together. This sucked, because there were so many, and it was difficult at my desk. Above are some of the panels sewn together, and the rhinestone payoff. I listened to the umineko OST while I was working to help stay motivated.

I ruched the panels after they were sewn together. I did this by hand with a heavy duty upholstery thread. They're ruched by a 2.5 multiplier. To get the bottom hem right, I tried everything on, and adjusted the ruching so that it was sitting correctly. Then I locked it in place with my machine by sewing over.

I enjoy stitching in the ditch, so that's how I finished my waistband off. The finished skirt is pictured at the top of this post (I ran out of image uploads for this post). If you have any questions about the process that I didn't talk about, let me know.

Up next is the overskirt, which I started patterning yesterday but will probably take me a while to finish. I will post on that once I'm done with it.

[darkandstormydolls]

I finished another new costume!

This one is of Edwin from the webcomic Crow Time (I think I may unintentionally be on a mission to sew costumes for progressively more and more obscure pieces of media)

The skirt was a bit of a challenge to figure out. I ended up having to do a great deal of math (sixths! I had to divide things by sixths!) and sewing together blue panels that were half the width of the black panels and then carefully box pleating them in. I also had to go through every episode of Crowmance so far to decide where the blue flashes were (center front, side front, side back, center back). The capelet/sleeve pieces were originally going be be sewn in like sleeves, but I realized that they didn’t actually work out like that in the pictures, so I ended up draping them on the shoulders like cape pieces to figure out how I wanted them to sit and then just whipstitching them down. The bodice itself went together very easily; I had a pattern for a princess-seamed jacket and just adjusted it to have a solid back with a center seam and a singular center front piece. I went through and screenshotted just about every fully body or clear picture of Edwin to figure out the seams for this. I was debating about putting hooks and eyes down the back, since there’s clearly some sort of line there, but since the dress is loose enough to pull over my head I decided to just leave it with a center back seam. I also debated back princess seams, since they show up in some pictures but not others, but finally decided that they aren’t super clearly there.

Some of my reference pictures:

The belt is made of two layers of heavily interfaced cotton (I know it’s a lighter color than the lining in pictures, but I didn’t want to bother getting another fabric and I think it looks good in the same light blue) with an interlining of also very heavily interfaced upholstery fabric. The pattern varies from picture to picture, so I just picked the most detailed one I could find (first of the two above pictures) and traced it on, then topstitched it, and went around the edges with a zigzag stitch for the edging. The center circle is a separate piece with hooks on both sides and the points of the belt have eyes, so they clasp together.

I already had the white shirt from my normal wardrobe, and I added the hair ribbon from my ribbon stash because a. I felt like it added a bit of extra pizzazz and b. there was no way my hair was staying in that half-ponytail with just pins and I did not want to risk a hair tie messing up the curls (my hair is actually straight, so I did not have high hopes for the foam rods I used, but I was pleasantly surprised with the volume I got. No bangs, but it’s pretty close).

I had made a bunch of hooded capes for some friends a while back, but never got around to making one of my own, so I figured this costume would be a great place to do so and made a little winter addition. I’m very happy with how the feather trim turned out. I wanted it to mirror the sleeves. I wish that the lining was a bit darker, but this was the felt that Joann’s had, and I had to work with what was available. I also added a sparky brooch I got at a flea market and just had in my costume bin for a little extra sparkle (it is a crow outfit, after all) and to hold it in place (maybe I should use a sparkly hair clip instead of the ribbon next time I wear this?)

I’m partially considering making Edwin’s wedding dress(? Fantasy dress?) in addition to this, although it might be a while before I get around to it with all my other costume and sewing projects. And, of course, it depends on if I could find an appropriate trim.

[sandwicz]

Twisted Wonderland as quotes me and my friends said + teachers too pt. 2

Warnings: profanities, mention of cockroaches, some might be ooc, Rook

✧-------------------------------------------✧

*in the science club*

Rook: "i made a reverse filter :D"

Rook: "i turn clean water into dirty water"

Trey: "..."

Vargas: "Trappola... This is why you won't have a girlfriend in the future"

Epel: *shows a poster he made thats just memeable and very messy, kinda like a sh*tpost. Its for his presentation that's 30% his grade*

Epel: "Apple to coconut how bad is it"

Epel: "Apple = good, coconut = bad"

Epel: "all the fruits are included in between"

Ace: "its cherry then"

Epel: "idk if that's good or bad. i like cherry so its good"

Yuu: "Pear. Actually no its mango"

Epel: "I like mango so its good"

Yuu: *made a huge robot cockroach the size of a basketball(that walks slow) that's made out of cardboard for a project*

Yuu: *shows a pic and video of the project to some students*

Yuu: "cock"

Yuu: "this took forever"

Yuu: "i hate it"

Yuu: "it hath grown wings so it shall fly to the sun"

Yuu: "and i will sit and stare and salute as my papermade icarus flies ever onward”

Yuu: "... i think i lost it"

Floyd: *pokes jamil to show him the cockroach monstrosity* beetle?

Yuu: "i gave him wings don't you dare call him a beetle"

Jamil: *distraught and trying so hard to stop himself from burning the cockroach down* ...

*lets pretend NRC teaches students other languages other than english*

Leona: "what the f*ck the teacher slapped my hand"

Ruggie: "LMAO"

Jack: "what. ...why?"

Ruggie: *while laughing hard* "HE KNOWS YOU'RE SMART ITS JUST THAT YOU DIDNT WANNA PUT EFFORT"

Leona: "... this is why"

Ruggie: *still laughing while wheezing* "in the maths part of the (insert language here) exam Leona doesnt wanna calculate so instead, he wrote 0s to some of them and called it a day”

Jack: "..."

(yes our teacher did put math questions in our language exam)

Ace: “people are doing math the wrong way you guys be talking about x and y but never u and i”

Cater: “if i could rearrange the alphabet i’d put u and i together”

Cater: “you know why i like RNA better than DNA, because there’s U”

Riddle: “all these pickup lines and u all still single”

Deuce: "how do i fix my bad haircut"

Ace: "grow hair"

Deuce: "great idea"

Deuce: "never thought of that"

Deuce: "any other ideas"

Epel: "bald"

Ace: "bald"

Epel: "it's about drive it's about power"

Epel: "we stay hungry we devour"

Student A: "Sir Trein sucks, he doesn't deserve any teacher's day letter"

Deuce: *is pissed off* "HAA??!! U SHUT YOUR ASS"

Deuce: "What's your beanfest team HAH?"

Deuce: "I'll wipe it out."

Student A: " Your team."

Deuce: "oh."

Student A: "💀"

Vargas: "do you have a partner?"

Riddle: *confused at the sudden question* "...no?"

Vargas: *pats his shoulder* "no? Find someone in the future"

Yuu: "i read fire balls as furry balls"

Ace: "HAHAHAHA JACK'S FURRY BALLS LMAO"

Jack: "..."

Jack: "i hate you."

Riddle: *flabbergasted* "Cater. Yuu played tetris during class? Around the teacher?"

Cater: "Yeap"

Yuu: "ehe"

Riddle: *dissapointed noises*

Trey: "i'm surprised you didn't get caught"

Yuu: "ehe"

Floyd: *gets grouped with Epel, Lilia and Riddle for a group project*

Floyd: *decided to make a gc and determine the name of it*

Floyd: *names it "adorable midgets + floyd gc :D"

*few moments after they finally realized the gc name*

Epel: "FLOYD YOU MOTHERF*CKER IVE JUST REALIZED THE GC NAME"

Riddle: "YEAARGHHH FLOYD IT'S OFF WITH YOUR HEAD"

Lilia: *enjoying the chaos*

*in the middle of class*

*sound of a notif from an online shopping app*

Trein: "Who's notification is that? It must be from Cater, isn't it? Always shopping and checking social media"

*a few seconds later*

*sound of a notif from another online shopping app"

Trein: "Tsk tsk tsk... who is that? Who likes shopping so much? You already have an app for it and you have another one?"

Idia: "..." *hiding behind his tablet*

Bonus for all of yall, in case yall need it:

Yuu: *jokingly* "so how's the exam results? Were you dissapointed in us?"

Staff/character of your choice: “You can never disappoint me, i’m always proud of you”

Everybody: *tears up*

[dollarbin]

Dollar Bin #54:

Paul Simon's Negotiations and Love Songs

Everyone begins questing after the meaning of life in Seventh Grade.

You're in a body that's changing too fast and not fast enough; you look around and suddenly notice all the garbage surrounding you: broken Chewbaccas, Doritos dust, petrified baseball card gum sticks and Garfield ephemera. And that's nothing compared with the garbage coming out of your mouth.

Somewhere, we all knew at that point, there was something worth striving for. Where the hell should we start to look?

My buddies and I began the search, in reasonable fashion, by mashing together our daily cafeteria slops - baked potato, corn dog and cookie - then spreading the collective result on a curb behind our math class. We would spread it with care. Next we'd take turns running at it at full tilt; a jump would occur and then we'd land in the paste, trying to slide our way along the curb. Invariably I'd fail to slide too far and fail to look cool. Invariably my buddy Matt would wind up splayed out in the ice plant, hysterical.

We did this for weeks.

(This is the same buddy Matt who, in that same era, jumped from the top of the stairs down to my garage-level bedroom yelling KOWABUNGA!, hit his head squarely and immensely on the descending roof line, landed on his back on the stairs, THUMP, then got up right back up, laughing, proud and ready to rock. It's 37 years later and he's still at it.)

I have so many questions: who cleaned up our middle school mess every day? Raccoons, seagulls or janitors? Or all three? And why didn't our teachers notice what we were up to and stop us? For that matter, where were all the teachers during our breaks? Did they have an underground lair wherein they'd chug bio class fermentation projects gone awry and throw darts at our pubescent class photos? And how did we get by without eating any lunch everyday? (Actually, I know the answer to that one: we ate tons and tons of candy.) Finally, did we clean our shoes somehow afterwards or just stride into Spanish class?

I sure don't know. But all the female seventh graders failed to gather about and gawk, hoping for a smooch as we flailed about aboard our lunches. And so it was pretty obvious that we'd yet to tap into the meaning of life.

So, I knew I needed to look elsewhere. Why not, I figured, resume my search at Target?

As I've written elsewhere, there wasn't much music in my childhood home. My famous brother and I heard a whole lot of Emmylou, Linda and Dolly's Trio spinning on repeat through our Vanagon's tape deck, sure, and every now and then we'd talk our folks into The Beach Boys Greatest Hits on a long ride to see grandparents. But the average day meant a half hour of TV before bed preceded by a family grace at the dinner table and if, we were lucky, pasta instead of liver on our plate. No wonder we ate so much candy. Neither the pasta nor liver included a soundtrack.

But, four or five months before Tom Petty's I Won't Back Down and a year or so before World Party's Goodbye Jumbo blew my tiny mind, Paul Simon grew me up and gave me direction.

Target's toy department was already getting old; I didn't need another squirt gun to accidentally step on or another Odie figurine; indeed, I was more into the largely nude images of Storm in the X-Men and the Jose Canseco's pompadoured leer in the Topps Traded Set at that point.

But then I spied a tape sized Paul Simon gazing out at me from beneath a sad fedora. I knew I was never gonna hook up with Storm; I knew my entire chest would never take up the square footage of one of Canseco's eyebrows. But Simon struck me as a fellow traveler: he looked puny and lonely, just like me. He also looked like he'd moved through a middle school food sliding phase long ago. And yet he was famous somehow. Maybe it was his hat.

I decided, right then and there, without ever having knowingly listened to his music, that Paul was my guy. So I talked my mom into buying me the tape.

I probably listened to Negotiations and Love Songs, Simon's straight forward, solo greatest hits package from that era, 5-6 times a week that fall. And in doing so I basically determined not just the meaning of life but also my own future.

Simon wrote and sung in such a convincing manner: his was a skinny white boy's truth and he basically laid out the course of my life through his songs.

Clearly, as an adult, I was going to:

Find myself crazy in love with someone in some kind of unauthorized fashion,

have weird sex with them,

marry them,

freak out with them and over them regularly,

have children with them reckelssly,

let them, and the kids involved, down,

then divorced them,

then hook back up with them

and somehow remain a likeable and very sad dude along the way.

And I was going to move through these stages over and over again for my entire adult life.

After all, that's exactly what happens in EVERY SINGLE SONG on Negotiations and Love Songs.

Don't believe me? I'll prove it.

The whole thing starts with one of the most brilliantly buoyant and pessimistic songs in existence, Mother and Child Reunion. I'd slip my cherished tape into my desk top, lunchbox shaped, deck and listen as the song's terrific drums snapped. Paul dove right in, offering my 90 pound self zero false hopes about the many strange and mournful days that lay in my future:

Me and Julio came next and let me know if you or anyone else ever unlocks the incomprehensible tale within its tumbling grace of chords and hollers. I didn't understand the song but I took its meaning in instantly: clearly the police were gonna crack down on me and my forms of love in a big way in life. I was never going to understand why.

And then there's Something So Right. Name me a sadder song about the meaning of life: you can't. Paul Simon taught me in Seventh grade that I was going to spend my entire life apologizing and miserable. Life was gonna suck. But it was sure gonna sound beautiful along the way.

St. Judy's Comet, up next, was another song about loving a kid from a doomed marriage; Love Me Like a Rock sounded far too happy and slight to trust; and Kodachrome, in addition to suggesting that life was all about treating the number of lovers you could expect as an exponential number, somehow made me worry about winding up in Juvie: maybe, I figured, the cops were laying in wait for me at that very moment, out behind the math room. They'd received word that I was making a baked potato/iceberg lettuce mess, daily among my other crappy behavior, and enough was enough. Maybe that was the writing on the wall.

I typically fast-forwarded through the collection's next track, Have a Good Time. It was just too weird and sexy to deal with: my hero Paul seemed to know far too many foxy ladies.

But my favorite of all those ladies sashayed in next with 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. I listened to the song like a sociological treatise: tremendously confident and sexy women would show up at all my critical moments ahead and they'd tell me exactly what to do with myself. In the mean time they'd kiss me and, oh wow, it was gonna be some kiss...

Okay, now, do you see what I mean? Simon's a brilliant songwriter, one of our best. But between 1970 and 1983 he wrote the same doomed story over and over and over again.

And we haven't even got to the trilogy of doom that awaited me on the B Side. First came Slip Sliding Away. Forget Something So Right; this is the most beautifully pessimistic song ever written:

I believed ever word of Slip Sliding Away like a prophesy. I was the guy who'd love Deloris like that; I was the guy who'd travel days and days to see the son he'd failed, the guy who'd slip away before the kid even knew he was there. God was watching me: he knew that, like Paul, I was gonna be beautifully, terribly and unutterably miserable.

As if that wasn't bad enough I was also going to drag one of my doomed and far too young spouses to Mexico and make her love me in some obtuse fashion she detested.

Train in the Distance served as the final summation of all the misery I could expect. Another of Simon's fantastic short stories, it's a perfect miniature of the tale Simon had to tell: love was going to ruin my life in a lovely way.

Like you, I wish I could write a letter to my seventh grade self, a letter that would arrive the moment after one of our food sliding sessions or, better yet, in the lonely, terrifying moments that followed my personal traumas, the telling of which would be out of place in my silly blog.

Dear Nathan, I'd write.

It's gonna be alright. Paul Simon is wrong about love, for you at least. You won't mistake your negotiations for your love songs. The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into your heart and your brain because life is going to be better. In fact, it's going to be great.

Sincerely,

Your Future, Dollar Bin, Self

[forgetful-nightmares-stuff]

I THINK N HARMONIA HAS FUCKING ADHD: THE RANT

Hey, hi, yeah, remember me? I'm that random user who's procrastinating heavily on drawing N. Yeah, hi!

I had a rabbit hole last night and I need to rant. So, I'm going here.

I was messing around with something and eventually found this old post, which has information on N and Ghetsis.

N's interested me a fair bit (like how he can perceive people's past and future– which I interpret as him not being a psychic but instead he can just very easily read people's intentions through body language and such (considering that he's extremely observant). Like, he can very easily tell who's good, who's bad, and who can challenge his ideals. If he were psychic he'd already know that the pokemon liked/loved the player by seeing our interactions with them before and after, so he wouldn’t ask your pokemon on how you're treating them. He’d also know the future and see through Ghetsis’ plans which just throws a wrench into the story.) But what caught my eye was he's stated to have a high IQ and is a genius at math; which makes him Gifted, which is neurodiverse.

Anyway, I then did a bit of digging at like 1:00 AM because why not? And I learned that 50% of the gifted population also has ADHD. And, the idea of N having ADHD makes sense to me. Not hyperactive ADHD (you're hyper, and the noise in your brain is more physical) obviously, look at him. But, rather Inattentive ADHD (More mellow, and the noise is more internal and thought-based (what I have :D)). N is way too caught up in his head to not be the Inattentive type. He can also be AuDHD, or neither and just be gifted (which is possible, there is an overlay between being gifted and autism/neurodiversity.)

But IF he has Inattentive ADHD (and I'm not just projecting heavily), I did do some digging into the topic of ADHD Gifted kids and I found this about ADHD "Superpowers"

And uh... I realized I never really looked into these myself. So I decided to check it out, and what did I find? ... yeah more "N most likely has ADHD" stuff. And I'm gonna go through it to the dismay of everyone. Sadly I can't make a color-coded presentation because of time and finals. So text instead!

Note: I am not at all a professional; I'm just someone with ADHD hyper-fixating badly on a green-haired creature and I also took one Anthropology, Psychology, and Sociology class for my high school credit and wanted to make a character analysis for him a while ago anyways.

On we go-

"Intuition and connection to emotion

• The “big feels,” when given space for expression, can be very informative in ways that aren’t accessible through a filter of rationality

• We want to encourage the kid to learn and practice her own capabilities in emotion regulation, while at the same time encouraging exploration of some of the emotional intensities, giving space for them"

N didn't have this ability because of isolation for 13 years, but he does canonically have intense emotional changes, so that's just emotional dysregulation at its finest. Plus not being able to properly express them. (Actually, I did headcanon that N is really good at masking minor emotions but when heavy emotions come on (ex. Anxiety to sudden Distress) it's like a massive wave hitting someone. And apparently, I was right??? Even if a little-) 

"Perception/observation/curiosity • The ADHD brain is hungry for novelty and dynamic activity. It sees and tolerates/appreciates new ideas, new movements, new visualizations, and new concepts. • Individuals with ADHD often perceive (intuitively) connections or “flows” that are not appreciated by others. They often enjoy taking a “bird’s eye view” of things, and asking the “what-if” questions."

Yeah, this is N. With the fact that he recognizes that Hilbert/Hilda can challenge his beliefs and it intrigues him, so he basically starts a "game" in Nimbasa just saying; "Grow your ideals, do it. Challenge my way of thinking." then just leaves, what a normal guy.

"Social influence and charisma • This is a product of lots of the previously mentioned superpowers (e.g., flexibility, openness, curiosity, boundless energy, perceptiveness, etc) • The infectious smile that says a million words, is like an invitation saying hey, come check this out, follow my imagination, do this skateboard flip, try this new dish I made, look at this building I designed, etc. Leadership • The willingness to say things others might not say • The tendency to be direct and succinct • The ability to hold multiple problem-solving tasks in mind at once • Keen sense for group dynamics due to strong emotional intuition "

Yeah, these two were both nurtured and encouraged by Ghetsis. Doubt N really had much of a say in that. Gotta love being groomed as a child by some guy who grabbed you in the woods to be a cult’s king at the ripe ol’ age of like 5. N HAD to learn this, he HAD to gain his public speaking skills and just radiate cult leader charisma like he’s the damn sun.

N is also a rather fast talker, which makes sense with ADHD as well because they typically are very fast talkers (their brains are going fast, so it's easier to talk fast than to match everyone else's speed and slow down). So if N were to dislike people and social norms or Ghetsis did some abusive parent string pulling - maybe both - then N's fast-talking might have persisted out of spite or to have the ability to get his words out before he gets interrupted. maybe a bit of both, who knows

Or Ghetsis just really doesn't care if his son is a fast talker. 

Also, I remember a statistic I saw a while ago right; neurodivergent folk also have a higher sympathy for animals or something (idk I don't remember it completely, if someone would like to find it then be my guest), but (at least from my experience and with my autistic sister's input) it's easier to interact with animals than it is to interact with people – even without verbal communication. It's much more easier; no fear of rejection, and no expectations. Just you and the animal(s) you're with. Something that N would rather do than be around people. He hates people but adores pokemon and would prefer living with pokemon over people. Which is honestly so real.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my TeD talk!

(Btw; I'm not trying to say that N is 100% definitely ADHD- it's just a possibility aside from being gifted (which, reminder, can still apply to Allistic/Neurotypical people). Buddy spawned and everyone collectively pointed at him and said "He has a touch of the 'tisim." And has been HEAVILY peer-reviewed as neurodivergent since 2011. He can honestly be either Autistic, ADHD, hell even AuDHD and I'm pretty sure everyone will be okay with it)

((Also also, you can't tell me N's flavor of autism isn't Math, pokemon, and Ferris Wheels all at the same time. Pretty sure if you ask the right questions he'll give you a lecture about how Ferris wheels work (color-coded slideshow and math equations included) then all of that gets interrupted the second he sees a Butterfree with a slightly different wing pattern.))