#this is what happens when you're a deeply closeted queer

[veliseraptor]

Thoughts on chengxian as a romantic ship? I ship it and was wondering on your opinion.

I am not personally a chengxian shipper inasmuch as I don't tend to read fic where they are plainly, explicitly, romantically or sexually into each other.

however I think I would say I am a chengxian shipper in the sense that it's an incredibly intense relationship for both of them, highly charged, complicated and messy and extremely important in how they relate to each other and (in at least some ways) to the rest of the world. jiang cheng doesn't make sense as a character if he doesn't care about wei wuxian in an incredibly deep and intense way. wei wuxian doesn't make sense as a character if he doesn't - or at the very least didn't - care about jiang cheng in the same intense, almost consuming way. it's a massively significant relationship in both their lives and it's one I find very interesting and compelling to explore.

so like. I guess I'm a chengxian shipper in the same way that I was ever a thorki shipper, in that I wasn't, but also I kind of was, because for me at a certain threshold of relationship intensity the sex or romance or lack thereof starts to become almost incidental. for instance the point where you undergo experimental surgery to have a piece of yourself removed and placed in another person?

so like. while I guess I would say in the strictest sense that my feelings on chengxian as a romantic ship are sort of "eh, not my personal bag, at least not in the traditional sense" but that really doesn't feel like the most accurate answer to the question.

[ceilidhtransing]

The discussions around whether or not to vote for Kamala keep being dominated by very loud voices shouting that anyone who advocates for her “just doesn't care about Palestine!” and “is willing to overlook genocide!” and “has no moral backbone at all!” And while some of these voices will be bots, trolls, psyops - we know that this happens; we know that trying to persuade progressives to split the vote or not vote at all is a strategy employed by hostile actors - of course many of them won't be. But what this rhetoric does is continually force the “you should vote for her” crowd onto the back foot of having to go to great lengths writing entire essays justifying their choice, while the “don't vote/vote third party” crowd is basically never asked to justify their choice. It frames voting for Kamala as a deeply morally compromised position that requires extensive justification while framing not voting or voting third party as the neutral and morally clean stance.

So here's another way of looking at it. How much are you willing to accept in order to feel like you're not compromising your morals on one issue?

Are you willing to accept the 24% rise in maternal deaths - and 39% increase for Black women - that is expected under a federal abortion ban, according to the Centre for American Progress? Those percentages represent real people who are alive now who would die if the folks behind Project 2025 get their way with reproductive healthcare.

Are you willing to accept the massive acceleration of climate change that would result from the scrapping of all climate legislation? We don't have time to fuck around with the environment. A gutting of climate policy and a prioritisation of fossil fuel profits, which is explicitly promised by Trump, would set the entire world back years - years that we don't have.

Are you willing to accept the classification of transgender visibility as inherently “pornographic” and thus the removal of trans people from public life? Are you willing to accept the total elimination of legal routes for gender-affirming care? The people behind the Trump campaign want to drive queer and trans people back underground, back into the closet, back into “criminality”. This will kill people. And it's maddening that caring about this gets called “prioritising white gays over brown people abroad” as if it's not BIPOC queer and trans Americans who will suffer the most from legislative queer- and transphobia, as they always do.

Are you willing to accept the domestic deployment of the military to crack down on protests and enforce racist immigration policy? I'm sure it's going to be very easy to convince huge numbers of normal people to turn up to protests and get involved in political organising when doing so may well involve facing down an army deployed by a hardcore authoritarian operating under the precedent that nothing he does as president can ever be illegal.

Are you willing to accept a president who openly talks about wanting to be a dictator, plans on massively expanding presidential powers, dehumanises his political enemies and wants the DOJ to “go after them”, and assures his supporters they won't have to vote again? If you can't see the danger of this staring you right in the face, I don't know what to tell you. Allowing a wannabe dictator to take control of the most powerful country on earth would be absolutely disastrous for the entire world.

Are you willing to accept an enormous uptick in fascism and far-right authoritarianism worldwide? The far right in America has huge influence over an entire international network of “anti-globalists”, hardcore anti-immigrant xenophobes, transphobic extremists, and straight-up fascists. Success in America aids and emboldens these people everywhere.

Are you willing to accept an enormous number of preventable deaths if America faces a crisis in the next four years: a public health emergency, a natural disaster, an ecological catastrophe? We all saw how Trump handled Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. We all saw how Trump handled Covid-19. He fanned the flames of disaster with a constant flow of medical misinformation and an unspeakably dangerous undermining of public health experts. It's estimated that 40% of US pandemic deaths could have been avoided if the death rates had corresponded to those in other high-income countries. That amounts to nearly half a million people. One study from January 2021 estimated between around 4,200 and 12,200 preventable deaths attributable purely to Trump's statements about masks. We're highly unlikely to face another global pandemic in the next few years but who knows what crises are coming down the pipeline?

Are you willing to accept the attempted deportation of millions - millions - of undocumented people? This is “rounding people up and throwing them into camps where no one ever hears from them again” territory. That's a blueprint for genocide right there and it's a core tenet of both Trump's personal policy and Project 2025. And of course they wouldn't be going after white people. They most likely wouldn't even restrict their tyranny to people who are actually undocumented. Anyone racially othered as an “immigrant” would be at risk from this.

Are you willing to accept not just the continuation of the current situation in Palestine, but the absolute annihilation of Gaza and the obliteration of any hope for imminent peace? There is no way that Trump and the people behind him would not be catastrophically worse for Gaza than Kamala or even Biden. Only recently he was telling donors behind closed doors that he wanted to “set the [Palestinian] movement back 25 or 30 years” and that “any student that protests, I throw them out of the country”. This is not a man who can be pushed in a direction more conducive to peace and justice. This is a man who listens to his wealthy donors, his Christian nationalist Republican allies, and himself.

Are you willing to accept a much heightened risk of nuclear war? Obviously this is hardly a Trump policy promise. But I can't think of a single president since the Cold War who is more likely to deploy nuclear weapons, given how casually he talks about wanting to use them and how erratic and unstable he can be in his dealings with foreign leaders. To quote Foreign Policy only this year, “Trump told a crowd in January that one of the reasons he needed immunity was so that he couldn’t be indicted for using nuclear weapons on a city.” That's reassuring. I'm not even in the US and I remember four years of constant background low-level terror that Trump would take offence at something some foreign leader said or think that he needs to personally intervene in some military situation to “sort it out” and decide to launch the entire world into nuclear war. No one sane on earth wants the most powerful person on the planet to be as trigger-happy and careless with human life as he is, especially if he's running the White House like a dictator with no one ever telling him no. But depending on what Americans do in November, he may well be inflicted again on all of us, and I guess we'll all just have to hope that he doesn't do the worst thing imaginable.

“But I don't want those things! Stop accusing me of supporting things I don't support!” Yes, of course you don't want those things. None of us does. No one's saying that you actively support them. No one's accusing you of wanting Black women to die from ectopic pregnancies or of wanting to throw Hispanic people in immigrant detention centres or of wanting trans people to be outlawed (unlike, I must point out, the extremely emotive and personal accusations that get thrown around about “wanting Palestinian children to die” if you encourage people to vote for Kamala).

But if you're advocating against voting for Kamala, you are clearly willing to accept them as possible consequences of your actions. That is the deal you're making. If a terrible thing happening is the clear and easily foreseeable outcome of your action (or in the case of not voting, inaction), in a way that could have been prevented by taking a different and just as easy action, you are partly responsible for that consequence. (And no, it's not “a fear campaign” to warn people about things he's said, things he wants to do, and plans drawn up by his close allies. This is not “oooh the Democrats are trying to bully you into voting for them by making him out to be really bad so you'll feel scared and vote for Kamala!” He is really bad, in obvious and documented and irrefutable ways.)

And if you believe that “both parties are the same on Gaza” (which, you know, they really aren't, but let's just pretend that they are) then presumably you accept that the horrors being committed there will continue, in the immediate term anyway, regardless of who wins the presidency. Because there really isn't some third option that will appear and do everything we want. It's going to be one of those two. And we can talk all day about wanting a better system or how unfair it is that every presidential election only ever has two viable candidates and how small the Overton window is and all that but hell, we are less than eighty days out from the election; none of that is going to get fixed between now and November. Electoral reform is a long-term (but important!) goal, not something that can be effected in the span of a couple of months by telling people online to vote third party. There is no “instant ceasefire and peace negotiation” button that we're callously overlooking by encouraging people to vote for Kamala. (My god, if there was, we would all be pressing it.)

If we're suggesting people vote for her, it's not that we “are willing to overlook genocide” or “don't care about sacrificing brown people abroad” or whatever. Nothing is being “overlooked” here. It's that we're simply not willing to accept everything else in this post and more on top of continued atrocities in Gaza. We're not willing to take Trump and his godawful far-right authoritarian agenda as an acceptable consequence of feeling like we have the moral high ground on Palestine. I cannot stress enough that if Kamala doesn't win, we - we all, in the whole world - get Trump. Are you willing to accept that?

And one more point to address: I've seen too many people act frighteningly flippant and naïve about terrible things Trump or his campaign want to do, with the idea that people will simply be able to prevent all these bad things by “organising” and “protesting” and “collective action”. “I'm not willing to accept these things; that's why I'll fight them tooth and nail every day of their administration” - OK but if you're not even willing to cast a vote then I have doubts about your ability to form “the Resistance”, which by the way would have to involve cooperation with people of lots of progressive political stripes in order to have the manpower to be effective, and if you're so committed to political purity that you view temporarily lending your support to Kamala at the ballot box as an untenable betrayal of everything you stand for then forgive me for also doubting your ability to productively cooperate with allies on the ground with whom you don't 100% agree. Plus, if the Trump campaign gets its way, American progressives would be kept so busy trying to put out about twenty different fires at once that you'd be able to accomplish very little. Maybe you get them to soften their stance on trans healthcare but oh shit, the climate policies are still in place. But more importantly, how many people do you think will protest for abortion rights if doing so means staring down a gun? Or organise to protect their neighbours from deportation if doing so means being thrown in prison yourself? And OK, maybe you're sure that you will, but history has shown us time and time again that most people won't. Most people aren't willing to face that kind of personal risk. And a tiny number of lefties willing to risk incarceration or death to protect undocumented people or trans people or whatever other groups are targeted is sadly not enough to prevent the horrors from happening. That is small fry compared to the full might of a determined state. Of course if the worst happens and Trump wins then you should do what you can to mitigate the harm; I'm not saying you shouldn't. But really the time to act is now. You have an opportunity right here to mitigate the harm and it's called “not letting him get elected”. Act now to prevent that kind of horrific authoritarian situation from developing in the first place; don't sit this one out under the naïve belief that “we'll be able to stop it if it happens”. You won't.

[txttletale]

Like genuinely why should I care about Becky Albertalli.

I am honestly asking because for the life of me I can't bring myself to care about this

Like if you don't wanna come out, that's your prerogative, but you're going to get made fun of for being straight

but people act like what happened to her was very bad and should not happen again

ps: also i don't see how coming out impacts her really she's a published author with stable income, housing and a husband

Like if you don't wanna come out, that's your prerogative

this is such a fucking insane thing to say -- you really think that is is 'people's prerogative' to come out or not? that people who are closeted just don't feel like coming out because of some individual preference? the reason why people don't come out is because they live their whole lives in a deeply homophobic society, so even for people who don't have their material safety at stake there remains massive social pressure from every angle. i care because i think it is bad when mass harassment campaigns force queer people to out themselves when they don't want to, because i think that even when it happens to someone in a position to survive it it makes closeted queer people & especially queer artists everywhere less safe.

[charliestillcantread]

i really wish i'd had Heartstopper when i was a teenager.

(spoilers for vol 4 and up-to-date comics)

and not for the typical reason. i mean, yes, it would've been great to see positive queer representation in a time when i was deeply closeted and scared to even think about my own queerness. but the main reason?

Charlie goes to a mental hospital. Charlie's friends and loved ones see that he is struggling and they help him. Charlie lets people help him. He talks about what's happening even though it's scary. He relapses and we know it isn't the end of his recovery--it's part of it. He goes to therapy and learns how to recognize his traumatic experiences as traumatic. Nick and Tori are there for him when it isn't easy or pretty or simple.

and i really wish i'd had that when i was 19, being driven to the hospital with no real context of what was about to happen. i wish i'd had it when i had to call my parents to take me there. i wish i'd had representation that didn't revolve around misery and focused on recovery instead.

Alice, if you're reading this, thank you. because i'm almost 24 and Heartstopper is showing me what recovery can look like. and even though i didn't have it back then, i am so damn grateful to have it now <3

[csvent-2]

Hey Mod, how are you doing? Hope you're doing well.

Hey everyone! I'm OrcaBite (Orca or Villain will do) or as you may previously know as Villain Believer!! These events happened about 3 to 4 years ago when I was young lol, I have tried to "redeem" myself just like how most closed Species mods ask to reevaluate a ban, of course most mods ended up blocking me and never gave me a chance to explain myself!! GO FIGURE!! I've apologized countless times to various different mods and guess what?? Their little rules of 'working with me' and 'Getting a ban reversed' never followed through because they refused to listen to me! Of course I'm not the same person when whatever that situation was, happened.

The bootlicker claim? Oh yeah! Most furries and CS owners don't like the idea of someone who supports the police in their species, so that's what that's about! I support my FRIENDS and FAMILY who are in the armed forces and are active police officers! But to most furries it's "cop bad :(((". Look, I'm aware there are MANY things wrong with the system and many cops who will abuse their power but from my experience I support our people in blue!!! Sure, Boo me all you like but guess what? You'd do the same for your closeted queer friends!!! Why are my beliefs with the police so controversial to you people? I hope you're aware that you will encounter people who do not share the same beliefs as you all.

You all hide behind your anon posts but here i am in the open, I have my reasons for the support of the police and I DEEPLY FUCKING REGRET THE SHIT I SAID WHEN I WAS CALLED OUT. But of course, you all won't listen to me. You can cancel me all you like but guess what? I live happily with my girlfriend enjoying life with her because in the end, closed Species are just glorified NFT's. If you don't agree with my views then fine, move on! The block button is free, but in the end if you wanna hear me say it then here it is, because you know what, I've changed and sure I don't put it out there because there's better things to like and watch on the internet than constant bickering and divide on political views.

Trans women are women

Trans Men are men

Nonbinary is a real and valid identity.

Thank you mod, Hope this helps! I'm sorry if you see me as this nasty person, I understand if I make you uncomfortable but I had to speak up about this because of the notes I'm getting in my DA! Buh bai everyone!! ❤️❤️

Appreciate the clarification but comparing cops to closeted queer people is a very bad comparison lol

People choose to be cops, they don’t choose to be queer, and it’s great that your experience makes you want to back the blue but many more people’s experiences make them not. So I’m not fond of your tone acting like people are ridiculous for finding people who blanketly support cops uncomfortable, because it’s completely reasonable.

[barkbarkboy]

MCR tragic backstory? why not. might as well

imagine if you will a gay little egg who was edgy and hated being mainstream. grew up in a sheltered home and spent way too much time roleplaying with weirdos online, trying to find and express their identity for the first time. i realized i was bi as hell and was forced out of the closet about it (a story for another time). i finally work up to getting ~1 irl friend (my since-highschool bestie) who introduces me to a few songs (wttbp, na na na, teenagers, i don't love you, all the basics). happen to get into homestuck and happen to meet a bunch of nerds who actually know what my cosplay is (karkat. of course) start talking to one of them about music, first thing he says is "i like MCR", and at this time i ONLY understand them from this point of view: i know people look down on emo music and think its cringe. BUT. i like all kinds of music, like, my taste is just a hodge podge of everything. any music can be beautiful, i really believe that. so i told him i'd maybe check them out one day! 1 adhd diagnosis later and i'm rebuilding my life after a pretty traumatic situation and a breakup, and i start hyperfixating on strange aeons' MCR 2022 tour video. seeing this enby dressing alternatively on stage really intrigued me. i've been invited to stuff like drag shows before, but never really understood the appeal. its great, but not for me. but this was waayyy more up my alley and the little speeches they gave on stage and how silly they were, but how deeply they thought and how seriously they took issues started drawing me in more. around november i listened to bullets and revenge and revenge still has a giant chokehold on me. its my favorite album hands down.

after this, i took a long break and obsessed over other things for a while, but i came back to that video with a powerful desire to learn more and more about the band. i listened to tbp even though i was really scared it would trigger me (cancer sucks) and came out okay. i've memorized the entirety of dr. death defying's speech and it lives rent free in my head when i wake up. and now i'm making my way through CW. i've had tons of people try to convert me and it gone nowhere but this MCR video really was an easy digestible way to do it, and i think its amazing that she got to share this with the world. thanks father strange, you are so so epic. i just came out to my family as trans last year, and this band has not only helped with that immensely, but also that video. seeing someone not be afraid to be themselves, be unapologetically queer and gnc, its really inspired me to be my best self, no matter what. it taught me you're not really living life if you're living it for others, unable to be yourself and be happy.

[bookshop]

Kit Connor and queer-coded media

re: Kit Connor having to out himself to satisfy the the demands of Heartstopper fans who were angry that he was seen maybe dating a woman: I think insisting that only queer people can tell queer stories is to fundamentally misunderstand the role of queer-coded media! Often we're drawn to queer, trans and queer/trans-coded stories long before we're even out to ourselves. If you insist that only someone who fully knows themselves can tell queer stories, you're inevitably going to force people out of the closet before they're ready; or, in worst-case scenarios (like that of Isabel Fall), you'll inevitably force people even more deeply into the closet. Honestly this conversation should have ended with Isabel Fall, but the fact it didn't makes me think we are doomed to repeat this toxic cycle. Also I'm thinking about how, during the Angels in America revival, Lee Pace was forced to out himself as gay while everyone has totally forgiven Andrew Garfield for calling himself "gay without the physical act" bc he watched some RuPaul to prepare for the role. Lol. In other words, insisting on #ownvoices to a toxic degree will not stop straight cis people from appropriating queer and trans stories. It *will* stop queer and genderqueer people from being able to express themselves. I also think it's important to recognize the value of queer coding — the stories that are subtextually but not overtly queer, either because they're deliberately made that way or because their writer doesn't know they're queer yet. Especially in light of the renewed push to ban queer stories from school, subtextually queer stories are vital, because, by existing in the margins, they're able to fly under the radar of homophobic censorship, and that then allows queer kids to discover them and grab hold of them and be inspired by them while they're still in the process of figuring themselves out. And it should go without saying that absolutely none of this has anything to do with queerbaiting, which is what happens when a media production deliberately tries to court a larger audience using titillating gay subtext it has no intention of fulfilling. But since it apparently doesn't go without saying, please read the many, many things I've written about queerbaiting, starting with this tumblr post about the origins of queerbaiting (and how the current usage is distinctly a Tumblr phenomenon), this 2013 article about "slashtivism," this 2016 article about toxic fandom shipping, and the Daily Dot's "queerbaiting" tag.

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

Heeeeeey, so we’ve all sobbed in the car to Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, right? (If you haven’t, I’m judging you. Harshly.)

What if I said that’s a Robin Blorbley song—

I don’t think I have to explain but I’m going to because no one can stop me <33

First of all, the pure pining of this fucking song and Robin pining over Miss Nancy Wheeler??? Hello???

We’ll skip to the chorus first because i enjoy hurting myself <33

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

Robin Buckley, who has come out to one (1) person because she is so scared of what will happen. Of COURSE the world won’t understand, her world is 80’s Hawkins, Indiana, and she’s watched people be awful to other queer people her whole life. But I’m thinking it’s deeper than that too. You can’t tell me that Robin doesn’t have some serious internalized homophobia. Growing up where she did, heating the awful things people said about homosexuality, being told that gay people are dirty and perverted, there’s no way she didn’t internalize that at least a little. There’s more to not wanting to be seen than just fear of homophobia. It’s fear of her dirty little secret being out, of people knowing she’s “wrong.”

She feels fragile—made to be broken. And every evil word breaks her a little.

But then she meets Nancy Wheeler. Nancy Wheeler who played chicken against a speeding car with nothing but a pistol. Nancy Wheeler with guns in her closet. Nancy Wheeler who sawed they end off a shotgun and blasted Vecna to bits. Nancy Wheeler who stands up against assholes who try to put her down, no matter how powerful—and it makes Robin feel brave. She’s drawn to this powerful, incredible woman, who gives her comfort in small moments, holding her hand, offers reassurance, all in the same five minutes as killing monsters. She wants to be brave, and she wants to be vulnerable. There’s just something about the metaphor of cracking open her rib cage and offering her heart to Nancy—she wants Nancy to know who she is, deeply and truly, not just the mask she puts on (like in ST3).

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later, it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

Does this not sound like Robin pining over Nancy? Powerful, incredible Nancy? Werewolf Robin’s very own Angel of Death? The closest to heaven—and hell—that she’ll ever be?

Being lost in the little moments. That tiny hand hold in the Upside-Down. Laughing in Nancy’s car as they make their getaway from the asylum. The little high five after convincing that guy to let them in. She thinks about those moments, and she realizes she’s made a home in Nancy Wheeler—maybe it’s not intentional, but it’s happened. She doesn’t want to go back to her frankly probably neglectful parents, an empty home—she wants to go home to Nancy’s arms. She’d give up her life for that chance. And she doesn’t want to, because she knows there’s no way Nancy loves her the same way—she’s straight, right? She hates it, she hates the way she misses Nancy—she doesn’t want to.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know, you're alive

I think Nancy lies. She lies in telling people that she’s okay, she’s fine, she can take care of herself—but Robin has heard this before, hell, she’s said all the same. But she sees the truth, because as much as Nancy puts up that mask and builds up her barriers—everything is made to be broken, including the walls between them, and Robin sees through the cracks, stares into Nancy’s eyes and knows she’s lying—knows there’s something deeper, sees the truth, sees “I need help too, but I don’t know how to ask for it” and so she provides it. And it hurts, but hey, the pain means she’s alive, right?

Also obligatory reference to the Movies one shot and Robin being a sucker for cheesy movie romances—she can’t help thinking this feels like a movie.

Then we return to the chorus, but there’s a note of hope to it, because she’s beginning to learn that Nancy is keeping things hidden too. They’re breaking each other down to build each other back up, learning each other’s darkest secrets in the middle of the night, holding each other through the nightmares and their darkest moments. Robin feels it bubbling up in her, growing with the bassline, until it’s spilling from her lips, and then Nancy knows. Nancy knows her dirty little secret, and Robin has to hold her breath, watching, waiting, hoping, because god she just wants to be known—

And Nancy just offers her hand, a soft smile, and tells Robin that she knows her. Nancy knows the messy, rambling mess that is Robin. She knows the intelligent mind, the heart of gold, the way she’s willing to give every bit of herself for the people she loves—and that matters more than anything so small minded as to think Robin is dirty for loving in a different way. And it’d be hypocritical wouldn’t it? And oh, Nancy’s eyes are wide and watering, impossibly deep—Robin swears she sees right to Nancy’s bared soul, sees the mirror—Nancy wants to be known too—and Robin realizes, oh

She isn’t alone. This whole time, she’s been known, because Nancy has felt the same way, this whole time.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

copy of a copy of a copy - a close reading

why hello!! here i am again with my nonsense. thought i'd give it another go yk. with fine line and walls done and dusted i barely knew what to do with myself but then i remembered there are so many songs i haven't even so much as glanced at. so here we are.

enjoy this angry sadness! <3

LYRIC ANALYSIS

beginning: echo of stop crying your heart out by oasis

It's an old curse, dreamers diving head first

"curse": deeply negative

"dreamers": word often associated with people's ambition to make it big in the acting world/music industry

"diving head first": naively going all-in, agreeing with shit that might not be in their best interests without being aware of it

Broken beaks and dead birds

Can't get through the glass

"broken beak": can't sing/speak

those who tried to break the curse, get through the glass ceiling, got hurt or worse

～ "breaking through the atmosphere", sott

There's no use crying over spilled blood Caring only kills(,) love A kiss won't bring it back

whose spilled blood? my own, someone else's? who spilled the blood?

"a kiss won't bring it back", unlike in sleeping beauty, snow white, the little mermaid, etc. this isn't a fairytale (～ only the brave "it's a tall tale")

be selfish and you'll make it

I know that the first blow hits you cold

"i know", i've been there

when realisation hits, that first disillusionment

Young man, hush your crying, dry your tears away

"young man" - specifically male: singing to his younger self as much as a young person going through the same things he went through?

～ "just stop your crying", sott

～ "stop crying your heart out", oasis (sonically inspired!! see below)

Nothing is original, there's nothing left to say

cynical

don't bother trying to be unique, be you, there's no room for that here

better be quiet? "shut up and sing"?

You won't be the first or be the last to bleed

shit's not changing anytime soon, don't waste your breath

Every broken heart as far as your eye can see

where are you seeing them? in the crowd in front of you? in the falling stars?

It's a copy of a copy of a copy It's a copy of a copy of a copy

～ copy of a, nine inch nails !!!!!!

every broken heart is a copy of a copy - the hearts have been broken the same way. let down, pushed down, hidden away

it's happened over and over, forever: closeting of queer people in the industry

I can hear you, howling 'til your lungs hurt

(probably no actual reference but i'd still like to link it:) howl - allen ginsberg (very very gay poet / celebrating ppl choosing to live free artistic sexual queer lives outside of society's norms) "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked" "who let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists, and screamed with joy, who blew and were blown by those human seraphim, the sailors, caresses of Atlantic and Caribbean love" "who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar" "who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrals praying for each other’s salvation"

So let this be your comfort

louis's music in general seems to want to offer comfort, no matter how cynical or angry he gets in the lyrics - he hasn't lost his heart, despite the "lesson" of dropping all emotion he's trying to teach the young man

You're not the only one, no In a strange way, all in this together Been this way forever, you're not the only one

"it's an old curse"

we won't be able to change it, but if we stick together we'll survive

"been this way forever" ～ otb, history repeating itself

SYNTHESIS

Copy of a Copy of a Copy is in many ways a smart trick of a song. First of all, we've got the title, that could very well be a reference to a Nine Inch Nails song. Then there's the instrumental intro, which sounds a whole lot like Oasis's Stop Crying Your Heart Out. Not to mention the hint at Sign of the Times at multiple points in the song, sonically as well as lyrically.

Let's start with the Nine Inch Nails thing, because they have a song called Copy of a. Here are some snippets from the lyrics just to point out some obvious parallels:

I am just a copy of a copy of a copy

I am just a shadow of a shadow of a shadow Always trying to catch up with myself I am just an echo of an echo of an echo Listening to someone's cry for help

You need to play your part

See I'm not the only one

Doing everything I'm told to do

Stop Crying Your Heart Out is, to me, a conscious reference to give this song, that can get very cynical and disillusioned, that typical Louis 'it is what it is' comfort. I've spoken about Louis's references to Oasis in my Walls analysis, where he echoes Acquiesce to the point where he gave Noel Gallagher a writing credit. In any case, Stop Crying Your Heart Out is a hug and squeeze, a 'chin up, love' because shit hurts but "you'll never change what's been and gone". You won't be the first or last, best not waste any of your precious time mourning what can't be changed.

Then, the parallels with Sign of the Times are of a significance I surely don't need to spell out. The theme of both songs is one and the same, even the general tone of the message is similar. Seems like the results of a common opinion, almost. With Sign of the Times (analysis coming soon btw), Harry chooses the dream of an escape to deal with the shit that's handed to them, while dishing out eerily calm but still cynical lyrics about misfortune and sadness. This cynical tone is also present in Copy of a Copy of a Copy, although much more prominent. It's this is shit and i hate that i can't change it and i can't help anyone or myself or the one i love BUT i can be fucking angry about it and write it into a song and make sure millions listen. In Sign of the Times that feeling is a bit more buried, but it's definitely there.

Copy of a Copy of a Copy is an angry song. In typical Louis fashion, the anger comes out sarcastic, layered and strategic. It sounds like a Grimm-esque old folk's tale that uses curses, birds and kisses to convey the deeply unsettling lesson. The violent imagery of the dead birds and spilled blood might remind us of Only the Brave, with all its fires, falls and graves, which is also a song that, unsurprisingly, matches this one. It's the same furious sadness that fuelled both songs. Anger at being a bird in a cage, told to sing, and having your beak broken the moment you dare to speak your mind. Anger at being made into a carbon copy of some heteronormative money-making success. Anger at almost losing your heart to a ruthless industry where being selfish gets you the furthest.

The song does build up to a note of warmth, where Louis offers the young man he's singing to the solace that he's not alone, and never will be (despite that message also being a bitter one, since that means the industry and its toxic practices will never change). There's no way to change what's been done or what's still being done to us, so all we can really do is stick together. Find our nook.

Obviously, though, there is no implication of a happy ending. The only bit of that is caught in the "you're not the only one", but how does Louis suggest you go on? Is the only way really to conform to the industry's rules and expectations, to not fight back bc it costs you too much? More than anything, I think this is Louis not backing down and stating very clearly that there is no solace to be found in the way it is right now, besides sticking together with the ones who are in the same boat. He doesn't want to twist the story into something positive, in the end, because it isn't. "A kiss won't bring it back", this is not a fucking fairytale. He will stay furious until shit changes, and his hopes aren't very high for that.

The fact that he made this song, though, means he wants to achieve something with it. There is the will to fight for that change. He wants people to listen to his story. He's fighting against the cage by describing life inside of it. It's a signal to those who know that shit's still shit, and it's a way to get even more people up to speed with how the course of history is actually running. All we can do is hope that there will be change, and that Louis's life and career take a turn in a direction that he fully chose himself. That the cage is open and he's free to fly.

[andydreamzzzz]

Monday 9.26.22

The world is really falling apart today, holy shit. Fascist Italians, a hurricane landing by the end of the week where I live, 100 SECONDS to midnight- possibly less, total abortion bans in Arizona and I'm both equal parts scared and enraged.

But I also had a fantastic work presentation today, in which I had to speak for about 45 minutes to a room full of men, and then proceeded to answer their questions for an additional hour and a half, because you know they weren't really listening in the first place. I'm proud of myself! I worked hard on that.

Anywhooo, about me: I have a grown up job, I own a house, I'm married to my high school sweetheart who I've been with now for 15 YEARS, and whom I love so deeply- it is only getting better (I'm so sorry, that part of my life really is such a fairytale, and I never want to come across as 'too happy' about it because it's a very obnoxious thing to brag about hahaha). That makes me 33, in case you're trying to do the math. Not interested in children, just vibing, navigating life with my best friend in the world (I feel the need to apologize again here lol)

I became a 'real' fan of MCR when the world got a little darker back in 2016 after the Trump election. Since then, the sadness I'd felt, built into a rage that has broken my heart again and again over the years, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that transformation. Through out those years I re-discovered my love of music and art, and finding Frank's music in particular was like a lightbulb moment. Frank's art helped me understand, that it is possible to be angry and hopeful, and to honor the pain we carry while we push forward. I think I also needed to find examples of men in rock music that weren't horrible people towards women in general lol. But yeah, that also has been immensely healing to me. His music created the space I needed to feel as angry as I've continued to feel, and to not be judged, or feel bad about it. We live in insanely cruel times, and now is the moment to see the world for what it is and not for the lies we tell ourselves as a nation and/or as people. Frank is good at that, he's never idle, his passion is powerful and I am constantly inspired by him. MCR creates the same type of space as Frank's music does, the same space to feel angry and feel accepted and even validated for it.

Anyways, now I'm on tumblr and down the rabbit hole, so I don't really know what that means for me to be honest hahaha. But I've had such a packed day full of emotions, that I just felt like sharing I guess.

Also on that note, let's be grateful for hyper-fixations since they happen to be privileged hobbies. And also, I think we should all take the time to find hope and inspiration outside of these men as well. For example for me, as a cis woman that is also a POC, they can't be everything. It's important that I support other women who kick ass and help me see beyond myself- like Serena Williams for example. And to have a list of queer people that deserve our support who are living their lives out of the closet and fighting for the rights of all the minorities that make up this fandom.

Oh! You should also watch Hasan Piker, in case he’s not currently part of your media consumption :)

[kindofwriter]

Can I offer you some: ‘Ep 25, The Gang Meets Wilde’

Pt. 2

I guess I swung wildly between ‘brandy’ and ‘whiskey’ when writing this and didn’t notice, oof.

Transcript under the cut:

HAMID: I don't, I, I don't think so... Um, hello?

HAMID presses his finger tips to the door, swinging it gently inwards but not fully opening it. SASHA instantly flattens herself against the wall, drawing a dagger and clutching it to her chest.

VOICE (O.S.): Oh, hello?

VOICE (O.S.): Oh, hello?

VOICE (O.S.): Oh, hello?

VOICE (O.S.): Oh, hello?

BERTIE: Oh! Hello!

SASHA and ZOLF both give BERTIE a glare. HAMID reaches out to push the door further, but stops before he does.

VOICE (LANGUISHLY): Oh, hello!

BERTIE (OVERLAPPING): Hello!

HAMID (OVERLAPPING): Hello?

VOICE (O.S.) (OVERLAPPING): Hello!

BERTIE: Hello! Hello!

ZOLF elbows BERTIE in the waist.

ZOLF: Who on Earth are ya?

VOICE (O.S.): I could ask you the same question, I suppose!

HAMID steps into the apartment, pushing the door wide open as he does so. ZOLF and BERTIE step in behind him.

OSCAR WILDE is lounging by the hearth, looking only slightly uncomfortable in a halfling-sized chair. He's human, average height and average build, with plump, youthful features. His hair falls the nape of his neck in glossy, brown waves that shimmer every time he turns his head; he's clearly wearing an illusion.

WILDE is dressed in a manner that's almost garish: peacock patterned waistcoat, scarlet, French-style suit, red shoes, and yellow socks, but between his good-looks and his charisma he completely pulls it off. In one hand he holds a glass of HAMID's whiskey, and in the other a note pad.

WILDE: So sorry I, uh, got here a little early, thought I'd just wait it out.

WILDE smiles winningly at the party. BERTIE reaches up to lift the grate of his armour. HAMID looks confused. ZOLF frowns, then grabs hold of his symbol. A low sound, part way between a hum and a growl, emits from his throat, reminiscent of wind battering across the top of a lake. For just a moment his eyes glow, then WILDE's notebook bursts into flames.

WILDE: Ooh, ah!

WILDE drops the pad, shaking his hand. It's burnt to a crisp before it hits the ground. Looking at its smoldering remains, a faint smile twitches at WILDE's lips.

WILDE: Fantastic, that'd be you... Zolf? Yes?

ZOLF (PLAYING DUMB AS A ROCK): Who, sorry?

WILDE (SMIRKING): Hmm.

CUT TO SASHASASHA is still pressed against the wall, head turned to the side so she can listen in. Her face is stony, but she looks poised for a fight.

CUT BACK TO INT.

WILDE: So, that must be Zolf.

ZOLF scowls and looks away from WILDE.

WILDE: And Hamid, and Sir Bertrand, yes.

BERTIE: Hello.

BERTIE steps forward, obscuring WILDE's view of everyone else. Between his height and his breadth he towers over WILDE, who immediately starts to look a little flushed.

WILDE (ALMOST COY): Hello.

WILDE looks BERTIE up and down in a meaningful fashion. He then glances away for a moment to meet ZOLF's eye, just to make sure he's catching what WILDE is doing. BERTIE looks a little affronted at the loss of attention.

BERTIE: Mm.

WILDE turns and begins to pour another glass of whiskey from HAMID's decanter, then offers it to BERTIE.

HAMID: Um, who might you be?

WILDE (WITHOUT BREAKING EYE CONTACT WITH BERTIE): Wilde. Good to meet you.

BERTIE: Pleasure.

BERTIE takes the drink.

ZOLF: Is there a compelling reason why, um, I shouldn't shove this trident up your bum?

Now WILDE does turn away from BERTIE, looking right at ZOLF. It's difficult to tell whether he's red with annoyance, heat, or still recovering from his intense eye contact with BERTIE.

WILDE: Oh, that's not very- You wouldn't want that getting out, would you now? Honestly!

BERTIE (CLEARLY TRYING TO WIN WILDE'S ATTENTION BACK): Well, you haven't been formally introduced, which I think is part of the reason.

ZOLF (MUTTERING): Well, also, you'd be dead, so it wouldn't be going anywhere.

BERTIE has clearly failed to hold WILDE's attention, as he watches ZOLF with a quirked eyebrow. There's no hint of the 'bedroom eyes' he'd tried on with BERTIE, but there's definitely some kind of passion in that gaze. However it seems, more than anything, like the passion to argue.

HAMID: You, you, you appear to be in my apartment uninvited.

WILDE: I do apologise.

WILDE actually looks at HAMID for the first time.

WILDE: I was just hoping to get hold of you, and, well, I thought this was the best place. I mean, you have been staying here most nights, haven't you?

HAMID: Yes.

WILDE: Well, there we go then, I, uh, I thought you might enjoy the company.

WILDE once again makes eyes at BERTIE.

HAMID: Next, next time it might be nice of you to wait for an invitation.

WILDE: I, I do apologise, I, I did knock!

HAMID sighs deeply.

HAMID: Not quite the same thing, is it?

WILDE (EVASIVELY): I suppose not. So! This is all very exciting; I'm noticing you're all looking a little worse for wear-

HAMID smooths a hand over his waistcoat.

HAMID: I, uh, I would dispute that, thank you.

WILDE: Well, let me re-phrase: not all of you. I'm, I'm noticing, um-

WILDE glances at ZOLF, who seems to be the only one in the room not trying to capture his attention.

ZOLF (GRUMPILY): No, I always look like this.

WILDE: One of, one of your party's missing?

ZOLF (PLAYING DUMBER THAN A ROCK): Who? Nope.

WILDE: Oh, I'm fairly certain that the girl-

ZOLF (INTERRUPTING): No, nope, who? What?

WILDE: The girl is. Hmm, yes. Quite. So, where have you been? How was today? I'm quite fascinated, actually.

HAMID (FIRMLY): Why don't you tell us why it is you're here?

WILDE: Well, I just thought it might be a good idea for you to sit down and, y'know, really, really share, y'know? Really explain things by yourselves, because people want to know. You know?

WILDE gives HAMID a very smug look.

HAMID: Are you a reporter of some kind?

WILDE: Mm, yeah, of a, of a kind. I, I, I sell my stories to whoever's interested, really. And a lot of people are very interested-

WILDE turns away from HAMID and begins to pour more glasses of whiskey. HAMID seems unfazed by this.

WILDE: I just, a lot of people are very interested-

BERTIE: Well, you know-

BERTIE shoves his glass between the decanter and the glass WILDE was filling, effectively giving himself a top-up.

BERTIE: I, I have been looking- I very much have an opening for a biographer.

BERTIE raises an eyebrow at WILDE, still leant across him from filling his glass. WILDE smirks.

WILDE: Well, we would have to closet ourselves away for a significant amount of time to really go over, go over the details. The nitty gritty, as it were.

Behind them, ZOLF scowls, clearly picking up on their queer-coded language, but immediately looking down on anyone who would willingly flirt with BERTIE. HAMID shuffles his feet, waiting innocently for the pair to finish talking.

BERTIE: I, I assure you, I have some extremely fine details to share with the appropriate young scholar.

WILDE turns, two new glasses of whiskey balanced in one hand.

WILDE (WITH A CHUCKLE): Presumably you mean of quality, not diminutive.

BERTIE joins in with his chuckle, but it quickly becomes mean, eventually devolving into a deep growl. Suddenly looking a little uncomfortable, WILDE moves away from BERTIE and offers a glass of whiskey to ZOLF. His face is soft; clearly he's looking for a little sympathy.

ZOLF refuses to take the whiskey, and scowls again at WILDE.

HAMID takes the glass offered to him, so WILDE drains ZOLF's.

BERTIE: My details are distinguished by their quality and their quantity.

WILDE (LESS SURE, BUT STILL PLAYING HIS PART): Indeed, I mean, that, that's a lot of the reason that I'm here. I've been hearing so much interesting- I mean, your deeds with Other London? And especially, I mean- Did you, did you manage to catch whoever it was with the antiques store?

CUT TO SASHA IN THE HALLWAY

SAHSA grimaces; tightens her grip on the dagger.

CUT BACK

WILDE: I heard that was, heard that was a bit of a problem, no?

An awkward silence hangs over the room for a moment as ZOLF and HAMID give WILDE a look that tells him that was in poor taste. BERTIE enjoys his whiskey.

HAMID: Uh, l-look, Mister Wilde, I don't-

WILDE: Sorry that was, that was, that was rude of me. Clearly I was treading on  a nerve. I'm so sorry.

BERTIE raises an eyebrow, seemingly losing some respect for WILDE as he apologises.

HAMID: I don't, I don't mind telling you about, uh, what we've been up to. As I'm sure you've seen in the press and will see again soon, we are not averse to sharing our story. But I really must insist that you tell me what it is you do, and why it is you are here specifically.

WILDE (JUMPING IN): It is so generous of you to donate so much to the natural history museum, as well-

Suddenly WILDE is knocked off his feet, backwards into HAMID's chair, dropping his glass as he does so. SASHA looms over him, the tip of a dagger pressed lightly to his throat. WILDE is surprised, but not afraid.

SASHA: What do you know about the antique store?

WILDE smiles, just slightly.

WILDE: Well, I was hoping you'd be able to tell me, all I know is that you were there.

SASHA (UPSET, BUT IN HER OWN WAY): What, what do you know?

BERTIE steps forward, placing a hand on SASHA's shoulder.

BERTIE: Now, now, Sasha. If there's any blade to be held to this young man's throat I feel it should be mine-

SASHA shrugs BERTIE off with such force he actually has to remove his hand.

SASHA (CLEARLY AGITATED): He, he knows something about what happened to Gusset. He, he knows who trashed Gusset's store!

WILDE (WRIGGLING BENEATH THE DAGGER): No, no, that's not what I said.

SASHA: Oh, really? So, you know-

WILDE: I was curious-

SASHA: So how did you know about that? Because we didn't go to the press about that.

SASHA pressed slightly with the dagger. WILDE leans further into the chair to avoid getting nicked.

WILDE: Well, y'know, some people are observant, and some people, y'know- I mean, where do the press find these things out?

SASHA: Well, but- Usually, Hamid tells them!

For just a moment SASHA alleviates some pressure from WILDE, and it seems as if she might wheel around to threaten HAMID. Then she looks down at WILDE and re-applies the pressure; she trusts HAMID.

WILDE: Well, usually doesn't always cut it-

SASHA: That's how journalism works!

WILDE takes a moment to allow his eyes to drift back to BERTIE.

WILDE: Some deeds will just speak of their own accord.

SASHA: Oi! 

SASHA begins to press the tip of the blade to WILDE's throat. Once ZOLF realises what she's doing he steps forward slightly, poised to pull her off.

SASHA: What do you know about who trashed Gusset's store?

WILDE: I don't know what to say. I know that you went in there, and you, uh, had a bit of a conversation. It looked very amicable, and then you headed on your way.

WILDE catches sight of ZOLF, stood behind SASHA with an arm outstretched. He visibly relaxes, allowing a huge grin to spread across his face.

[thisiskatsblog]

Hi Kat, I'm feeling sad and sort of mad here so I might rant, I'd like to know what you think I don't know if you're gonna post it or answer it to avoid controversy and negativity in your blog but I appreciate you got to read it bc I needed to vent, tysm in advance...

I see so many people hating on Harry because he said "clothes are fun" without "making any social statement about it and that he doesn't recognize his privilege of wearing what he wants cause he's rich and famous" and can I just say that it's because of that same privilege he's so influential and has helped so many queer fans to be who they want to be, he's using his privilege for good and also, I hate when people try to force activism out of everyone...

I understand being critical but activism should be genuine and intentional. It just seems to me that they're people from the q community who had an agenda against him before this interview got released, sometimes it doesn't even seen this is about social justice. I've seen the most cruel and hateful comments wishing for him to be miserable and unsuccessful (that's not happening anytime sooner, honey, go off)...

And they don't really know him, they don't know he does more than waving flags and putting stickers on his guitar, he has donated to non-profits, spent money on queer artists, he protested and signed petitions for BLM, he has helped fans to come out, he does have talked on social issues, they're just looking for a reason to be mad tbh...

He might not get too deeply political because he has stated that politics divide people and that is 100% true. He has INDEED recognized he is privileged on a RS interview and that he just wants to show people he sees them and he's here for them. Everybody does activism in different ways, and Harry's certainly isn't performative, he's not obnoxious about it but he's not tone deaf either, he's self-aware.Honestly, I don't understand what this people want?...

If they see this cis boy speaking on gender issues and gender expression on a Vogue interview and talking about trans/nb/gnc people who are opressed then they may fill Twitter with comments like "he doesn't do anything for us, why is he talking about it? he's not our icon" but if he doesn't do it then he's pandering? Do they want an ally who leads a movement and speaks on issues or an ally who does acts of service for the movement and doesn't speak for it? I don't understand, idk if I will..

Finally, no one should be a certain sexuality to be allowed to break gender roles, yes, straight people do have privilege even when they dress androgynous but they shouldn't be cancelled for that...

Now, entering hypothetical (basically confirmed) field, can we talk about how problematic is accusing a closeted person of pandering? If someone have ever told artists like Bowie or Mercury to "stop profiting of queer people" while they weren't out in the public eye, then no one would have paved the way for other men to express themselves, break toxic masculinity and help other gender non-conforming kids. Kids like Janelle Monaé, Billy Porter, Lil Nas, P!nk, Sam Smith and yes, Harry Styles.

(that was the end of my rant btw, it was like 8 asks, I think, hope nothing got lost, sorry for the length but this people literally want Harry to fail because of freaking wearing a skirt and not getting too political about it and I was certainly not having it)

----------------------- Hi anon,

They all arrived! 

I’m glad it helps you just to be able to vent, without expecting to be published, so anyone who needs a vent: do feel free to use the service of my inbox 😊

I will publish because I think you are making a few interesting points.

It’s true that Harry can do the things he does because he is privileged – and I completely agree with you that it’s a good thing he is using that privilege to the fullest and thereby changes things for the better for other queer people.

On the other hand, I do understand the frustration of queer people who are less privileged when they wish he would recognize that privilege. It isn’t true that in this day and age anyone can dress the way Harry does on the cover of Vogue, and it could make his “statement”, which in itself is positive for queer people, all the more powerful if he recognized it and expressed his wish for that to change. To me, it’s a question of gradation. Wearing a ruffled dress is really good and changes lives; saying that you wish everyone had the freedom to wear that dress in the way you now have that freedom is even better and raises awareness of intersectionality (when you are LGBTQ and poor, being LGBTQ is more difficult than when you are LGBTQ and rich).

I don’t think Harry is the kind of person you’d need to force activism out of, I do see him as someone who has been activist as well as political on many occasions. Maybe not as political and activist as I’d like him to be, maybe not in the way I would be in his position, but definitely committed to the same causes that I find important, and not afraid of using the position he has to influence when he feels comfortable to do so. I wish he’d been more vocal on a great number of occasions, but I agree with you in that you cannot look at your idols in music and simply expect them to be fervent and perfect political activists. Art can be activist, but it doesn’t have to be, you cannot expect it to be.

Furthermore, I think Harry definitely has some privilege that he’s shown to be unaware of, and I’ve also seen him take things in, learn, change his position (see the RS interview you also mention), and become more vocal politically. In other words: Harry is human.

I have not seen the criticism you are talking about, and it seems there have been various different ones, so I won’t be going into them, some seem more valid, others are not. In any case I would be very hesitant to put it all aside as “queer people who had an agenda against him” or “they’re just looking for a reason to get mad”. That thinking may put you at ease, and stay on your side of things, but it won’t help the conversation. I think it’s important when you’re on two sides of an argument, to try and understand where the unmet need is on the “other” side.

Since I haven’t seen the original arguments, I am not completely clear on this – but it seems that the common thread in your understanding of the criticism he receives is that Harry’s ambiguous identity (while having amply suggested he may be not cis/straight, he hasn’t been straightforward about it) makes it possible for people to criticize him both ways.

I agree with you that you do not need to be queer to be allowed to break gender norms, and that closeted people should not be criticized for breaking gender norms and paving the way, to come out themselves, and for others. But I do see where the frustration on the other side comes from – I don’t think it’s necessarily evil willed towards Harry. What I see, a strong wish and urgent need to have out and proud role models who do these things; and – guessing that a lot of the people criticizing him suspect he is indeed closeted – an enormous frustration that closeting still happens, and about the mixed messages Harry, as a role model, may implicitly gives to queer kids in this way. It’s okay to dress outrageously and challenge norms but it’s not okay to be explicit about your identity and orientation, do keep that vague. I personally feel extremely frustrated about that, even if I also believe this is outside Harry’s will.

“We don’t talk enough, we should open up, before it’s all too much…”

Anyway, long story short anon: I get you. And I think I get the other side too. In the end we all choose whether we want to see the glass as half full or half empty. And I’m siding with you that it’s half full, and with the critics that I wish it were completely full, but then again with you that you cannot really fault Harry for that not (yet) being the case... But it’s okay for it to be said: I wish the glass were full.

[emeryart]

The Sissy in The Celluloid Closet

I recently rewatched The Celluloid Closet (1995). it’s a documentary that I have watched countless times growing up. The first time I watched it was a couple of years after it’s release and I must have been in the infant stages of my college years struggling with my own sexual identity. I remember being moved by the keen dissection of films. I found myself relating to experiences of reading into films looking and hoping for a glimpse of someone queer like me.

Of course, there were gay representations in films but they were always super exaggerated or villans. I never identified with those types of characters which naively pushed me further away from me understanding my queer path. After all, it wasn't until April 30h, 1997 that Ellen had come out on t.v. And more than half of America thought the sky was going to fall. That timestamp of Ellen's “big reveal” is an important mark in pop culture as it marked a time that television from that point on would progress in ways that previous gay characters in television couldn’t. To be honest, none of the shows prior were in my obit as a kid so those opportunities to relate were lost on me.

I came out as bisexual at 21. I didn’t fully understand who I was sexually but I knew that I loved deeply and wanted that love to be returned. I was angsty and ready to fight to be allowed to love whoever I wanted. Affection and adoration felt good it didn’t matter who gave it to me. The cleverly ambiguous Backstreet boy anthem of 1997 constantly played in my head:

“I don't care who you are

Where you're from

What you did

As long as you love me”

I soon realized my attraction to men vs woman had a consistent difference. I was attracted to women for their affection and care. I loved being smothered with little gifts and praise. I felt important. With men, I found out It was more physical. The fact that it was a touch from another man was sinful made it exciting and made me feel as if I was down to fight anyone who thought homosexuality was wrong. Even still, with all the energy to take on the world, I couldn’t identify who I was.

Sociologist Erving Goffman wrote The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life in 1959. “According to Goffman, social interaction may be likened to a theater, and people in everyday life to actors on a stage, each playing a variety of roles. The audience consists of other individuals who observe the role-playing and react to the performances.”  (Crossman)

We as humans need labels. We unconsciously and consciously make and create labels for everything we experience in life. Long before I learned about his work, I began to understand Goffman's theory of social theatrics as a kid. Paying close attention to mannerisms, voice inflections, appearance. I paid close attention to how people interpreted personality and how they reacted.

Growing up with all women I naturally learned to move and speak as they did. Middle school was the time I began to experience force assimilation into the hetero-normative culture. From then on I would shy away from all things deemed feminine. The sissy character as presented in the film The Celluloid Closest threw a wrench in my consciousness as a young man. The caricature of the sissy was everything I was taught to fear. I felt slightly embarrassed to watch the dissection of the function of the sissy role in the film. I then became outraged when I realized people were taught to mock, taunt, and ridicule him. I actually began to find the character endearing and joyful. I wanted the sissy to be free and proud to be who he wanted to be.

I began to wonder why I was so determined to carefully remove anything feminine from my world. What little joys and bliss have I been missing because I was afraid to be seen as a sissy? I was a newly "out" man who decided to reclaim his feminine side. If I wore the color pink, what was going to happen? someone would call me gay?? Well, I already identified as gay so that has no power.

It was that moment in time that I really started playing with ideas of identity in my artwork. I repelled so hard away from anything feminine for most of my life that I intentionally made choices to change the narrative of my "theatrical show". I began to represent myself in ways that others have never seen. I have always loved comedy and making people laugh so this new venture was a refreshing welcome. The more people were opposed to the work I produced, the more I doubled down on the execution. People who are close to me love that I stopped taking myself so seriously and began to laugh at others who passed judgment on what they are exposed to not knowing I'm controlling the narrative all along.

The sissy has set me free. As an artist, I am not so much concerned with shock value as I am subtly changing the narrative of how people perceive me. I often change identifying features as a shift into a new persona. Intentionally bad photoshopped images of my face regularly circle my social media depicting different genders and identities. Sometimes I lean on gay culture using terms and voice infections I don't normally have to honor and show affection to the community. Sometimes I wear the ugliest clothes I can find to observe how important superficial traits are to people around me.

I hope to bring a carefree lightheartedness to people consuming the work I do. It's not malicious so much as it is performing and understanding that we as humans are malleable. Love, laugh and smile with me. We are adaptive critters not meant to stay in one box. Perhaps it scary or uncomfortable for people who think someone should be one thing and only one thing. Often times new "friends" and new lovers flee not understanding the beauty of not fitting in all the time. The fear of the sissy or being around a sissy or better yet just being "other" is still kryptonite to fragile masculinity.

Reference

“The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life” Ashley Crossman https://www.thoughtco.com/the-presentation-of-self-in-everyday-life-3026754 July 01, 2019