#this is what I get for assigning myself projects
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I'm slowly making my way through a new project- editing the entirety of the album PUNCH by Autoheart to the Life Series.
I was originally planning to post all of the edits in order of the songs on the album, but I instead made the Lent one first and am too excited to keep it in my drafts any longer while I work on the first four songs of the album (especially since we're coming up on finals seasons and the amount of time I'll have to work on these is gonna plummet so fast). So instead, I'll be posting them as I make them and make a masterpost of them all in order at the end.
That being said, I hope you enjoy this! I'm really proud of it and a lot of work went into it.
#life series smp#trafficblr#third life smp#last life smp#double life smp#limited life smp#goodtimeswithscar#grian#desert duo#autoheart/life series project#my edits#my art#everyone has to be so nice to me about the audio desync-ing in some places it does that whenever i export it and i can't fix it </3#i COULD tag this one as ship but im not gonna#i DO mean it like that. but like it's just canon clips it can be read however you so choose#also if youve been following me for a little bit youll know i did part of this edit once before#i did the bridge when the afk session came out#and then that plus cherrifire's crane lives project inspired me to assign the whole album to the series#and i was ORIGNALLY planning to do a project like she did w/ the thumbnails#but i couldnt get myself to actually DO IT and also i did map out an entire animatic to factories at one point.#which. on the topic of that. factories or anniversary will be the next ones#anniversary has been started but not fully mapped out whereas factories has been fully mapped out but not started#we'll see which one catches my eye enough first#but all the songs HAVE been assigned so if nothing else i know the gist of what i'm doing for every song#this will definitely be a multi-month project though since one of these takes me a few days to finish#though finals season approaching also means winter break is approaching so who knows! maybe ill bang all of them out in december#(DO NOT HOLD ME TO THAT OH MY GOD)
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RWBY Retrospective - Volume 2
With Volume 1's success, the team now had proof that there was an audience for this show. They just had to see if they could keep the momentum going.
Volume 2 is in an interesting position because it basically works as a middle chapter of a prologue, meaning it's meant as a connection point for V1 and 3. Not to say nothing happens, quite the contrary, but that it feels even more open ended than V1's finale. Our team even mentions that there's still so many questions and things to solve. However, V2 is a step forward for the series regardless.
From the first shot the show is letting us know that things have improved. The textures for the buildings look better, no longer just flat images. The first real shot we see of Beacon is grand and a far cry from episode 2 of V1's. Same can be said for the NPCs. Gone are the Shadow People and their comedic potential, now we have actual models. The coloring is also so much better, saturation levels seeming to have evened out enough to where characters like Weiss with her mostly white color scheme no longer hurt your eyes to look at.
This volume also does a better job at expanding on characters that didn't get much focus previously - characters like Yang and Pyrrha. It's not flawless in this department but there's an attempt made to give these characters depth past their initial impressions and I'd say that they succeed.
The show still carries over some of it's pacing issues from before, but they don't feel nearly as distracting as V1, most likely due to the episodes all being a more consistent and longer length than V1's four-six minute two parters. There's also just the lingering problem of not having the time to properly explain some mechanics of the world, which is no doubt why the World of Remnant videos that started up in this volume felt necessary to the crew.
Some General and Unfiltered Thoughts
While I know people have some issue with the whole Neptune - Weiss - Jaune part of the season, it doesn't really bother me, personally. It's just kind of there. I mostly just end up feeling bad for Pyrrha the whole time until Jaune gets his head on straight.
I find that the season's humor has improved. There's a few jokes that don't work for me, but over all I found myself laughing more. It feels like they're finding their footing a little better in that department here.
The foreshadowing is through the roof this volume, and given what happens in V3... Well. Let's just say it was warranted. Our trio of baddies take the stage and set us up for the inevitable fall.
While I love the Food Fight and the RWBY vs Roman fight I think the fights during the Mountain Glen arc (before and after the train) are kind of meh? A lot of it is split screen shots, and while CFVY's entrance is cool the rest feels... anticlimatic. Which I understand is a little bit of the point in regards to episode 12 but when viewed in a vacuum it's... not my favorite.
Genuinely the Burning the Candle Bee scene still remains one of my favorite scenes in the entire show. The lighting is gorgeous for early RWBY, Barb and Arryn do a great job, and the music is on point. There's just something so warm (heh) about that entire interaction and I will fight anyone who says this wasn't some of the best stuff in the first three volumes.
Music, as always, fantastic. Though I still cannot stand the rap in Caffeine.
#rwby#ruby rose#weiss schnee#blake belladonna#yang xiao long#retrospective#I'm really not happy with this one but I've literally put this thing off for months#I just needed to get it out#hopefully v3 will go a little easier#this is what I get for assigning myself projects#greenlightvolume10#greenlight volume 10
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hi GT!
Lionheart had me the moment you kicked it off with “it’s a nice day to start again.” Might i ask why you chose that particular line?
And, if you havent already answered to this emoji:
❄️
P.s: you have my eternal gratitude for creating the most brilliant piece of writing i’ll ever read. I shout about it from the rooftops, share it on my socials, requested my spouse to read it so we may discuss it together (in lieu of a present for my 30th birthday), et cetera.
I see from your URL you are a fellow lad of taste.
There's a couple things going on in the epigraph for Book 1. On one level, it's a lyric from the first muggle song I picture Draco listening to on his walkman at the end of the book, so there's a cute full-circle thing there. The second layer is the theme of change and redemption, which, in Lionheart, doesn't so much come from major moments or self-sacrifice, but from the slow, grueling, everyday work of living, and living better. It's a nice day to start again because every day is. You always have the opportunity to start making better choices, no matter what lies behind you. That's the thesis of any Draco redemption arc, right? You have to imagine that he could have chosen to be better.
And then thirdly, there's the audacity of doing a full Hogwarts canon rewrite, a good 30 years after the original books came out, millions upon millions of words of fanfic later, and basically asking everyone to read the same story they did the first time around, only different. So it's a kind of winking entreaty. It's saying to readers, many of whom are understandably wary of doing it over, zeroing out the characters to starting positions, and starting from the beginning with 11-year-olds all over again. It's going: "hey. That was fun, right? Why not do it again?"
#thank you so much for the compliment -- honestly it's terribly kind#i hope your spouse likes it. for their own sake also because by god that is so much assigned reading#you're iconic for that tbh. all birthdays should come with a syllabus#oh! and ❄️ ⇢ what’s your dream theme/plot for a fic#and who would write it best?#tbh i've wanted someone to write a really good pacific rim AU for years and years#and it has always fallen juuuuust low enough on my writing pile for me to never get around to it#like it's always the thing i want to write 3rd most and i only let myself have 2 projects at a time#not sure who would write that best - I think anyone who loves and Gets the movies#the premise of which is 'what if you and your soulmate could pilot a 50-foot mech by having mindsex so good it killed godzilla?'#and if you don't want to stand up and cheer just thinking about that i don't know what to tell you. perhaps you have never seen a movie#also like it's about love and trust and trauma and healing. AND killing really giant monsters#and it takes itself JUST seriously enough to nail all of that without getting mopey or goofy#movie of all time. someday i will kiss guillermo del toro on the lips#in my (delusional) world his oscar win was actually a belated award for pacific rim.
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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i may be hungry yes but the anxiety serpent in my stomach is on the move and preventing me from actually wanting to eat
#idk what to do to actually calm myself down#i have identified the source and the solution is currently something i cannot control#i have to wait for an email reply that i will probably get tomorrow#and if not i’m seeing the person i’m waiting on tomorrow anyways#and the second thing cannot be resolved until monday because it was a hw assignment that i feel i did very wrong#i stayed in the studio almost 4 hours extra to work through it with some other people and none of us know if we’re doing it right#the prof didn’t explain shit so we’re winging the whole thing and just hoping for the best#my first graph is reasonable but the second one i feel is wrong and idk how to fix it#anyways#gonna try to eat salad maybe before the outdoors club meeting at 9:45#and maybe finish the contour lines on my studio project so i can fully finish the whole thing tomorrow#this sucks balls but we persevere#me rambling
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Trying so hard to not just fucking hate my comms class but my professor is making it real hard
#our first project is to record a personal story about a life changing moment in our life and then we will get assigned someone else’s story#to read and perform and that part is the bigger grade.#like bro. I have lists of life changing experiences. none of them are ones I want to tell a room of 18-20 year olds I’ve never spoken to#and then listen to them perform it back like it’s a scene from a play. what the fuck is thought process here. I’m gonna kill myself or#perhaps someone else. our prof was talking about how ppl always seem to drop her class early like maybe if this wasn’t your first assignment#and you didn’t have a graded participation check and or quizzes at the start of every class that you aren’t able to make up less ppl would#drop your fucking class. what is wrong with you. this is insane I mean neurodivergent#also my professor just kind of sucks. ya know how ppl say the bitchiest white women will go into teaching or nursing to feel like they have#power over ppl? it’s very that. she told us on the first day she makes people leave her class if they’re texting like bro. we are adults.#there are other things happening in our fucking lives.#comms class from hell#prsnl
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I would like for life to stop hurting for a little while. Maybe. Pretty please.
#speculation nation#this sounds emo but im just in literal pain right now#geeze what a week this week has been. but i got through it.#thinking ahead... hm. i need to go back over my school stuff. i dont remember any huge deadlines due next week#and that cant be right. theres always Something.#oh right i do have an assignment due. tho it's not a huge one.#i have a project due the week after next week that i'll need to work on. but itll be mostly class time for that.#got another assignment for my persuasion project due... i think the week after next? wont be too hard tho.#and i need to really get to work on reading my books for gender communication. it's almost the end of october.#soooooo somehow i DONT have any huge deadlines this coming week. thats so strange and abnormal.#if i was responsible id work on my reading over the weekend. or do more cleaning.#but i'll be fucking honest kitten im at the end of my fucking rope#probably the sleep deprivation and hellish 9.5 day of bodily torture. i hurt.#i will feel more hopeful and happy go lucky later.#i keep trying to point at all the nice clean apartment to cheer myself up but i am just like. this is my torture chamber. no happy.#i will grab some food and then play the sims 2. and then i will feel better.
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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Sketches, reference and moodboards for a new school project!
This one was a random pull from my bank of unused ideas and I'm curious to see where it will go :³
[reblogs are discouraged, this is just for personal archival purposes :³]
#i really dont trust this particular class to be... good#so whats a better way of keepings tabs on myself than posting regular updates on how the project is coming along? :V#also having old stuff here was a lot of help when compiling my last portfolio so i'm kinda back to the This Is My Backup Archive™ approach#doodles#school stuff#assignment#concept art#my art#moodboards#references#it may be inspired by a certain monster from a certain game#which is why its really funny to me that i get to explore this idea further bc its so shallow as a base xD#for neas#uken
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im literally incapable of setting small goals so i get sad when i dont accomplish them. theyre insane shit like "fully craft 12 songs as a self-taught musician playing every single instrument and recording entirely by yourself AND do it all within the span of three weeks." like BRO??? did I know I can just make one or two. its ok. hold my hands....
#but the problem is i get 75 percent done with one song and then im like already over it im like ok time for the next one#like bro....... CHILL#OR i'll like pour my life blood sweat and tears into some shit and then listen to it back and be like#mmm... derivative. mediocre. Simply Lackluster#what do I want from me!!!!!#its about the joy of creation. Bitch#thats literally my life philosophy why am i forgetting her when i need her most#tomorrow im locking myself in my room and im only allowed to work on one garagebandTM project file until its DONE#to the fullest extent that a DIY garageband song recorded on my laptop can be done#IDK IDK im used to going big or going home i dont know how to be normal when i had an assignment to make a comic i made it 100 pages#SELF INFLICTED#i have to turn normal now
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Let's ban group projects at the 4th year level forever
#complaining incoming lol#i know it's cliche to say wahh i'm the group member who does all the work! but in this case holy hell.... i literally am.#my prof has set this assignment up so that the groups had to do all the work over reading week on the forums online#so no in-person contact. we have to create a dialogue about this article and then compile a master document with all our notes#and a comprehensive outline of the article. this is supposed to be presented to the other groups on wednesday.#reading week is over and i have not even heard a hello from a single group member. i made a long post with my notes and NOTHING.#i made that post during the week. literally not a peep from anyone (except for the prof thanking me for posting something). this is stupid.#and i'm about to make another post today because idfc. i just want the grade and then to be done with it. i'm pissed lol.#so i assume i'll be making the master document too?#come on... these are 4th year students. and if maybe they're falling behind because of what's going on in the world -#- then perhaps my professor can extend the project a week longer? she hasn't made any statements about this yet.#like... i think there is a good chance that students are finding it hard to get work done with the current events. myself included.#still pissed. but if that's what's holding people back then i'm sympathetic.
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messing around a bit
#delete later#man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird#trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg#shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me#should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔#still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess#just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made.#im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough.#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony#well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole#even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw#actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself#but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate#hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week#man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay#hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini#masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh#ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini#aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr#me when i have to do my job at work#i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower#sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit
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Heading to school now to finalize my decision to retake the year. Set your bets NOW on whether I’ll start crying again, completely shut down and will be unable to speak, or the third, secret option! (Not even I know what the third secret option is yet, but we’ll see!)
#it’s so funny like. this is entirely my decision#I don’t have to retake the year. but if things keep going like this I’m going to crash ceremoniously into a wall by the time#finals come around. so yeah#my parents straightup had no opinion on the matter and I don’t know whether to be glad or upset about that?#because like. yeah sure they didn’t scream or flip their shit. but I don’t want to have to make decisions like that without any#outside perspective yknow#but it’s been like that for years honestly#they’re completely uninvolved in everything I do basically#like my brother in Christ I’ve exclusively used a different name in school for over two years and you literally never noticed#it says my chosen name on all my projects! my assignments! everywhere#honestly I knew I could get away with it because they’d just be completely uninterested in what I do anyway lol#*lol#but. yeah#my portfolio is severely lacking and I can’t just catch that up like that#as I said my mental health is in shambles and our mental health support in this country is even worse off#and I honestly just feel kind of left alone in this decision making shit#like sure I’m an adult! but it’s not like I had much support with my decisions even before I was#no support while making a decision and only judgement after you make the decision#tbf the whole reason I’m so upset about this decision is because it means I’ll have to live at home for another year#I’d be a-okay with taking the rest of the semester off to get myself back on track and then put all I have into retaking the year#but like this I just feel really fucking tired#oops I guess this turned into a little bit of a#vent#sorry oops#delete later
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crying why the fuck do I have a project due over winter break? for english??? and it has to be a 30 second stop motion? and the instructions are unclear as FUCK?????????
wheres your holiday spirit maam????? (<- doesnt even celebrate Christmas or anything but wants an excuse to not do anything over break)
#like last project we could choose the format#art or a game or a travel guide or something else like that#but we dont have any say in the format this time???? what the fuck???#raine's rambles#probs belongs on the irl acc but also idk man idk#also i have a partner but i get to do the hard part; make a stopmotion myself????#this is so fucking stupid#also i fucking hate how every single day theres another stupid assignment to do#this workload fucking SUCKS#AGH I JUST WANT TO DRAW LEGOES BUT I HAVE TO MAINTAIN MY STUPID GRADES#FUCK
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It took me several years but the only way I've personally ever been able to Manage My ADHD or whatever was 1. Get medicated and 2. Just stop worrying about strict schedules/routines. Literally had to just forget about them. I have a whiteboard. When I notice a task that I need to do, I write it on the whiteboard. If I feel like doing it right then, I do it and erase it. If I don't I simply wait until I have energy or I'm restless and I need to do something with my hands, and then I check my whiteboard. Sometimes tasks stay on there for an hour. Sometimes it's two weeks. It's whatever and it gets done eventually which is quite literally all that matters
#i tried so many different versions of like.. giving myself a daily schedule or routine#or like assigning certain chores to certain days of the week#or doing tjat thing they teach you to do in school where each day you choose three tasks to prioritize#and it only ever resulted in Nothing Getting Done#what works is my whiteboard and she is a lifesaver#if i could have a whiteboard in every single room for various purposes i absolutely would#bc theyre also my favorite place to brainstorm writing ideas or write out things i need for craft projects and stuff
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i always know i’m getting stressed when my comfort fic becomes “time travel fix-it” adjacent. like honestly when i put that tag back in the ao3 include filters that should have been a red flag.
#i also know i'm getting stressed because i'm starting to do quirky shit#like naming one of my wip documents 'the inside of my head sounds like screaming'#plus i just. have the insatiable urge to DO SOMETHING but that something is none of the things i can think of to do#even the unproductive ones. even the productive ones. it's not that. i need to DO SOMETHING but my body and mind can't decide on what#i'm running out of time. i have a deadline. the deadline has always been tangible and yet somehow it never was.#i have an exact date and somehow that's still nebulous and ephemeral#i am so tired#how do i convince someone i'm hireable when sometimes i'm still trying to convince myself#like i would love to tell these people that i am a WHIZ i am a GODSEND like if i don't know how to do it point me at the documentation#like i'd love to tell them all of that but the minute i look at a job application suddenly i'm questioning everything i thought i Knew#like i'm handed a school assignment and i'm like yes. this i can do. idc. it'll be done and i'm gonna get a damn A#why is this different. like literally why would it be that different. they say 'do this thing' and then i do the fucking thing.#that's life. that's work. that's what i've been told. why am i so scared. why am i not sure i can do it.#like i CAN do it that's what we've been fucking preparing for#i have As!!! As!!!!! they emailed me about graduating with distinction!!!!#i wasn't even trying that fucking hard!!!! this is my normal tryhard!!!!!#why am i so scared a job won't want me. when they're asking for fresh faced college grads.#i'm so tired. i have a headache. i am so afraid. i just need a job. literally one.#i am so scared of the mess i am going to become once i cross that stage#i am so. terrified. i wish i could anticipate graduation like everybody else in my design project.#the future has teeth. and my only option rn is just. bite it first. but i don't think i've ever been that violent.#i'm not ready#i am so scared#not kpop#shut up vic#negativity
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