#but i couldnt get myself to actually DO IT and also i did map out an entire animatic to factories at one point.

[fogwitchoftheevermore]

I'm slowly making my way through a new project- editing the entirety of the album PUNCH by Autoheart to the Life Series.

I was originally planning to post all of the edits in order of the songs on the album, but I instead made the Lent one first and am too excited to keep it in my drafts any longer while I work on the first four songs of the album (especially since we're coming up on finals seasons and the amount of time I'll have to work on these is gonna plummet so fast). So instead, I'll be posting them as I make them and make a masterpost of them all in order at the end.

That being said, I hope you enjoy this! I'm really proud of it and a lot of work went into it.

[waroferas]

from one hyrule warriors enjoyer to another... i bestow upon you the scared question...

what are your favorite things about hyrule warriors?

i'm honestly just curious because your like, one of my favorite blogs when it comes to hyrule warriors and i would just be interested to get peoples different responses!! it's cool to see what people think!!

(p.s. your hyrule warriors art is so banger i would give you the BIGGEST hug if i could)

AWW MAN !!! THAANK YOU SO MUCH for giving me a reason to talk about this because i have actually answered this question before . but now that i’ve actually come to learn how the game works i hold a lot more respect for it overall LOL

i put forward Link’s arc with the master sword/temple of souls in the first post but i would rlly like to revisit that and get a bit more specific abt WHY i love it. under the cut bc it’s screenshot heavy LOL

to start out stage 12, they explain that link is Really jamming on the master sword

you start at the Front of the hyrulean forces and are immediately thrown into combat while Proxi cheers you on, and Impa seems apprehensive

Overall this stage is Overwhelming. you have lots of keeps to capture across the entire map, only one warrior to control, and they keep spawning Very annoying Very powerful enemies that immediately begin advancing towards Zelda. After you’ve neutralized that threat, Cia only makes things worse

this is awesome . this is actually so great . i LOVE dark link as a concept and i ADOOOOORE the way they really expand on the whole “manifestation of the darkness in your heart” thing by giving link Specific Flaws to be fighting against.

not to mention the fact that it’s a flaw that you could argue was present Before the master sword ie. ignoring his comrades and running into battle despite still being a trainee in the Opening cutscenes.

couldnt find a natural way to weave this in but i also find it so interesting that these things are Both true.

when impa told link that hes the chosen hero he “did not believe himself worthy of the honor” despite knowing he’s an excellent swordsman . really shows that when he embraces his role later on a little Too enthusiastically there is Growth .

i think i would kill for this game to have the capability of providing a more intricate and moment-to-moment narrative just to see how this arc would play out on an intimate level, AND what it actually means when link considers himself not worthy yet. but this game canonically spans a matter of Months adding up the several “weeks passed” timeskips so that would be crazy. i will have to do it myself >.o

this rlly is just about one thing . MY BAD!!!

a couple Quick honorable mentions:

i think it’s cool we get to play with characters who would never reappear in the franchise otherwise. its one hell of an excuse but i am still delighted by it

this seems like a Good strategy game as far as gameplay goes . it has been fun and challenging cutting my teeth on this new format

i reaaaally like the adventure mode . it’s whacky and Really Hard at times but bringing in the old maps ? deeelish.

LINKLEEEEEEE

SHEEIIIIIIIIIIIK . if anybody deserves to be the most op most broken breakdancing Freak it’s that blue guy . can you tell i’m a sonic fan

my fairy is comical in ways that delight me . TO THE SALON!!

i’m trying not to just name all the women on the roster . i LOVE WOMEN. impa just one chance babe

oookay that’s all i can think of off the top of my head . THABK YOU AGAIN FOR THE ASK !! and thank youuuu teehee i Love drawing . here’s a sneak peek of smth i will hopefully finish soon

[polaris-stuff]

OKAY so since your confused, a bit more of an in-depth of dandy's world gameplay explanation

you said you watched some videos on it but were still confused, but im GUESSING you at least saw the elevator that the player(s) came out of, yes? so, player(s) spawn in there (and fun fact! there are two possible locations for the elevator to open in per map. Neat) and then they have to travel around the map looking for the Machines. im also gonna guess you saw one (a machine) in the game play, but if you didnt, theyre very easy to see. theyre long, have a wheel on them, and a bright glowing red button on top.

so. as for the actual toons, each playable toon character has 5 stats, in which they have stars that tell you how good they are at each stat. the stars can range from 1-5. that sound confusing? dw, here's a pic

ofc there's their health (some toons have 2 hearts [normals], others have 3 [mains]), but after that, those stats are "Skill Check" (while on the machines, you get skill checks. if you miss them, the twisteds are alerted to your location. the higher your skill check star amount is, the easier they are), movement speed (explanation not needed), stamina (explanation also not needed), stealth (the higher it is the harder it is for the twisteds to spot you. with the highest stealth, you could be just a few feet away from em and they cant see you), and extraction speed (the higher it is, the faster the toon is at fixing machines)

normal toons have 15 stars to spend, and the "main character" toons have 16. heres the normal toons, and the mains .D.

so yes. assemble a team of toons, go onto the floors, fix the machines, dont die, read the lore hidden across the walls and tiny notes in each map, and go as far as you can!!!!

and also this isnt gameplay explanation this is just me gushing but. my favorite toon? astro <3

you couldnt possibly guess why <3<3<3

OOH OKAY AJSJA THATS BETTER, I did saw someone doing the skill check, I did understood that part, it doesn't look too complicated! Sounds fun! (ﾟ⁠οﾟ⁠人⁠)⁠)✨✨ THAT'S THE CHARACTER I LIKE!! I looks like Moon!

So basically it's a survival game? But in Roblox. I'll have to take a look myself someday (⁠ㆁ⁠ω⁠ㆁ⁠) TYSM PEACHYYY

[worldofkaeos]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

@cate-deriana Thank you so much for the tag!! tbh i havent written in a long time (writer's block + burnout) but this was funn

1 . How did you get into writing fanfiction?

I just finished reading Lockwood and Co and was surviving solely on fanfictions, but i still missed the characters too much and theyve become so real to me i couldnt survive without them!! And then I had this lovely cosy scene play out in my head and it felt warm and lovely like home, and so I started to write it, on my notes app, and it felt really good. And it wasn't meant to be posted or anything, just for me to experience the world again. Then, regularly I would write short scenes of them and daydream, and it was really fun. By the time exams were approaching I had built a solid idea out of that short snippet I first started with, and when exams ended all I could think about was that idea, I spiralled so much I wrote secretly in school and on the train I would source for inspiration, and at night I'd write with spooky music and get vivid images flash across my head for new ideas. I have dreams about it too. In the end I wrote 37k in 2 weeks, even with school and while I was on holiday, and I thought it would be the end but I had more ideas!

Boy, am I long-winded.

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

1 (Lockwood and Co.)

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

not even a year! I wrote 7 months since last august and stopped

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Read, definitely! I've learnt a lot from reading, and played around with writing styles. Also, I've gotten a better insight of characters this way and inspiration ✨

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I actually know that I'm writing when I write 😂 so yes, now I'm less long-winded, more to the point, and writing style changes. I guess in the past I didn't really care for the writing part, I just wanted to experience the world as much as possible through writing which is why my writing is sooo long-winded.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I've once searched how long a body decays if kept at refrigerated temperature in a damp environment. Oh, but I had this incredibly in depth research of a cathedral, I drew out maps and went on 360 virtual tours to learn about them.

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

Anything! I love it most when people point out a certain part in what I write and talk about it. I get really excited like yes I love that part too! It makes me more confident about my writing.

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

Crack where the characters are in a tea shop in china, and I used some chinese (with horrible english translations) for a ghost.

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Angst, anything with a lot of emotions, I am bad at them because I make myself too sad thinking about it 😂

10. What is the easiest type?

Crack, casefics, action, horror!

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Notes on my phone when i want something quick, but usually google docs on my phone or ipad. In the same account with all my work. Yes, I am messy.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

Detective x Paranormal investigation AU, AUs playing around with lore. Mainly very long AUs

13. What made you choose your username?

Since I was young my friends said I was Kaeos because my name is Kaelyn and I am chaotic

no pressure tags!: @synestheticwanderings @waiting-for-my-hogwarts-letter @menina89 @dangerously-human @almostlikequake @cats-and-metersticks @nomolosk @itripandfallalot @the-biscuit-agreement

[neopiacentral]

heyyy this is gonna be a long post about sexual assault / rape / suicide so mega tw ... i would make this a read more if i could on mobile if those even still exist. anyways

but the other day i was having a mental breakdown as i do and this one was more so thinking about how a little over half of the people i’ve had sex with from ages 17 to 23 (how old i am rn) ..... i only had sex with bc i was coerced or forced into it. and i started thinking about this one scenario in particular that i literally basically had forgotten and pushed out of my head until the other night and somehow i feel like putting it out in the open and talking (typing) about it will help me deal with it better or at least in a way where it’s not just being pushed down for another few years lol

around october of 2017, i was at the most suicidal point of my life not even for any “specific” reason .. i was just really struggling and my depressive episodes would not ease up and i spent a lot of time just trying to distract myself from it. this was the only point in my life where i have ever smoked regularly because even though i hated (and still do hate) the feeling of being high, it felt easier to deal with that instead of just thinking about dying nonstop. i didnt really talk to anybody, i wasn’t in a relationship or anything. and i think i had matched w this guy on tinder or we just followed each other on twitter, i can’t remember but he lived here (but i hadn’t ever met him irl) and he was dealing with a lot of the same things i was so we started talking kind of regularly. he was in a relationship so i never flirted with him or anything even though he was gross and would ask me if we could be “fwb because his girlfriend has a medical condition so she never really wants to have sex” lmfao and i obviously always said no and told him i wasn’t interested but still talked to him bc i felt like he understood me in a way nobody else in my life at the time could and i didn’t want to be on my own. we texted and called so often and thinking back on it it was SO unhealthy bc we didn’t help each other at all we just talked about different ways we would want to die if we ever did .. things like that. like retrospectively it’s so clear that it was just making the situation worse and i wish i would have just stopped talking to him.

i can’t remember if this happened before or after he broke up with his girlfriend but it was 100% before we met up in real life. we had each other on snapchat back when i used to use it and snap maps were a thing obviously. and one day i was home alone and i can’t remember if he had told me he was doing this or not .. like genuinely i just don’t know. but he had shown up at my apartment unannounced, rang the doorbell and waited outside for a bit and i only remember knowing it was him bc i looked through the peephole in my front door and i started having such a massive panic attack bc i had never given him my address and even if he had gotten it from snap maps..... theres 10+ other apartments in my building and he just came straight to mine. it freaked me out SO fuckinf bad and i didn’t answer the door but he texted a bit after he left and i asked how he knew which apartment was mine and he said “ur apartment had a welcome mat so i just figured it was urs haha” like what ........ god.

i have no idea why i kept talking to him bc that really genuinely terrified me and even my friend bella i talked to here and there was literally telling me to call the police and stuff. but yea. i can’t remember how long after it was that we finally hung out in person but i did end up just giving in because we were talking for months and lived in the same city and i felt like i owed it to him to hang out irl after flaking or blowing him off the dozens of times he had asked before.

and he ended up picking me up, he lived about 45 minutes away from me so it was a long drive back to his apartment. he actually made dinner for us and we watched some stuff together and i was surprised how much fun i was having and how nice it was. butttt out of nowhere he just started kissing me and undoing his pants and trying to get me to give him a blowjob no matter how many times i said i didn’t want to or was uncomfortable but he just kept asking. and i was so far from home, i didn’t drive there so i couldnt just get up and leave and didn’t even really know where i was. it was like 2 in the morning at this point i had no person i could call and ask to come grab me or anything and i just felt like i had no choice which . looking back is maybe what he had wanted. i was so scared and we ended up having sex just because i wanted it to be over and i wanted to just be done with what was happening.

and then he literally ghosted me right after. the one person i talked to and trusted and opened up to when i was REALLY hurting mentally basically raped me and just left me alone afterwards leaving me feeling even worse than i did before we had met. i never even told anyone about it after it happened because i didn’t want to deal with it and honestly don’t think i was capable of processing it at that point bc i probably would have completely and fully broken down and lost it. which is also why i have barely even thought about it over the last three almost four years.

last year he started to try and come back into my life just a couple months after alec and i had just started dating. like just randomly interacting with me on instagram and trying to reply to my stories like everything was normal and even tried to talk to me about how things with alec were. and once i made a post on my story about me being at work and he kept dming me asking if he could come visit me bc he knew where my job was and i started having horrible panic attacks at work that i never told anyone about. i have him blocked on everything now but for months i was always looking over my shoulder bc i was so afraid of seeing him.

i want to heal from these things but i don’t feel comfortable going to therapy even though i know i really should. until i feel ready to do that i will just do my best to cope with it all on my own even if that means just telling other people what happened so i can start coming to terms with it myself. it is so hard some days and i am afraid that these things will end up eating me alive sooner or later

[fableplayss]

i wanna talk about these two games right here for a moment; dead by daylight and friday the 13th: the game. i just wanna talk about my experiences with the games and which one i prefer.

if you've played these two games, you'll know how similar yet different they are.

lets start with dead by daylight.

i remember buying this game a good year before it became free for ps plus members in august 2018. when i first played this game, i was LOVING IT. i loved it so much. i would spend five hours minimum just playing different matches back-to-back. i game share with one of my closest friends so i told her to download it and she loved it as well. we would call each other just to play. it was AMAZING. i played as both survivor and killer but i prefered survivor only because i find it more fun to do generators.

when it became free for everyone is when it became downhill for me. the servers werent as quick as they used to be. before it would barely take me a minute to find a game. now, it takes five minites to find one game and even then, it doesnt get played out properly because the killer always ends up leaving the game. the killers are also extremely op and its actually ridiculous. i played as the doctor recently and he seems to have been buffed becauseeeeeeee it was soooooooo easy to kill all four of the suvivors when they've only done one generator. they keep adding new killers, new survivors and new maps but the servers are horroble.

now for friday the 13th.

i bought this game not long after i bought dead by daylight because i saw miniminter (mm7 games) play it and i thought it was lit. when i bought it, i fell in LOVE WITH ITTTT! i went through a similar thing with this game where i would play it back-to-back for hours with my friends and some mates. i love the gameplay and the way how game chat works is elite; jason will only hear you when you're near him and you can only hear the other counselors when you're near them AND have a walkie talkie. there are a range of counselors to choose from and they all have unique stats which makes things interesting. this is the same for jason.

a couple of months - a year ago, i had a problem with the servers. i would be waiting for six minutes for a game just to he put in a lobby by myself and when i would want to play with friends or mates, i couldnt join them cos it'll make me stay on the main menu. this is happening for months and when it did, it was sucking the fun out for me. i ended up deleting the game but i installed it back recently so now it works (thank god).

the other MAIN issue i have is to do with how STRONG jason is. its ridiculous. once jason sees you, you're basically dead. there's no way to successfully escape him if he really wants to kill you. once he sees you, you're finished. it actually makes the game extremely boring because if you're seen at the beginning, you're basically finished and spectating the game for twenty or so minutes is just a drag. this lawsuit that they had also messed them over because they didnt have a chance to update the game. this games needs a serious update (buff jason, add a few more counselors, new ways to escape and new maps). this game had potential to be so much more but it never got the chance.

the game i like the MOST has to be friday the 13th. the reason why i say that is because despite the problems that it has, the gameplay is amazing and it IS a lot of fun. while they do have similar objectives, froday executes it a lot better than dead by daylight (despite the fact that jason is overpowered). i have more fun with that game that i do with dead by daylight. the more popular dbd got, the less fun it became, which is a shame since i was in love with that game once upon a time.

there are some things that i didnt touch but this is tumblr and so i didnt want to bore you to death 🤣

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS LONG ASS ESSAY ABOUT TWO GAMES THAT YOU PROBABLY DONT CARE ABOUT! THANK YOU FOR TAKING YOUR TIME! I LOVE YOU!

[ladyboltontoyou]

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter

Ask: Ok well I was wondering if you could write an Arthur Morgan x Reader where the reader is the daughter of a rich farm owning family and Arthur rides up to the farm/ranch one day to scope the place out and see if they're easy to rob but somehow ends up with heart eyes for the reader and starts sneaking around to see her. Doesn't have to be smut, but that would be awesome. Thank you!

Warnings: Probably cursing. A bit of an age gap since Arthur is, you know, like 30 something, and the reader is still living with her parents.

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader 

A/N: So this turned out longer than I had originally planned oops. ALso apparently freezers were invented around the 1830′s so don’t come at me for having ice cubes in Arthurs drink ok. I really hope this is what you imagined and it doesn’t seem rushed, even though I spent like 4 hours on it. Hope it’s not too short or too long. OKAY I’M DONE RAMBLING YOU CAN READ NOW.

The last thing you expected to see on a Friday afternoon was a stranger on a white horse riding up your dirt road. You had been reading a book on your upstairs balcony when you saw him, at first just a small white speck a ways away. But when that white speck started making noise you looked up and saw it was a man on a horse, a visitor. You rarely got visitors here that weren’t two men on a wagon full of supplies. 

You set your book down on the table and leaned forward to get a better look as he neared the front of your house. He looked handsome enough, even though you were on the second story balcony and he was on the ground below. From what you could see he was a rugged man about thirty or so, not the kind of men your parents usually dealt with. Your curiosity got the best of you and you walked back inside and downstairs where you saw your father opening the front doors. One of his work friends stood beside him in case things were to go south, his hand sitting comfortably on his pistol as a gentle warning to the stranger that stood on your porch.

“Sorry to bother you folks, I was looking for the Braithwaite manor and it looks like I got myself lost. Do you know whereabouts that is?” His voice sounded so friendly and warm, you would never expect that he was there to see if you would be easy to ransack. You watched the conversation go down from the bottom step of the staircase and tried not to look too obvious. 

Your father was totally oblivious and way too trusting. “No worries friend, these back roads are tricky. Fancy a drink? You look like you’ve been riding all day. Come inside and I’ll have my wife draw you up some directions.”

The man looked hesitant but eventually shrugged. “You’re too kind. I’d really appreciate it.” 

You took the chance to walk into the tea room since you knew they’d come inside any minute, and you didn’t want to look suspicious. Plus, you wanted to be nosey, it wasn’t often attractive strangers came by. You sat down at the table and picked up the book from the table, something you had already read before, and tried your best to look as if you had been doing it for some time already.

“Who’s that man outside?” Your mother had snuck up behind you and scared the daylights out of you when she leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“I don’t know.” You said after you recovered from the scare. “But he sure is good looking.” 

She peaked at the front door and nodded in approval at your taste. “You’re not wrong about that.” Thank god it was your mother and not your grandmother, she would have chided you for hours about being indecent. 

Finally, they came in and the man took off his hat, looking around as his eyes adjusted to the change of light. He looked even better looking close up. His facial hair was trimmed neatly but looked like it had grown in a little, the hair on his head the same. His face was partially spotted from the dust in the air from horse hooves but he didn’t look truly dirty, nothing compared to your farmboys.

 He looked around and seemed impressed with the place, his eyes looking into every room he could see from his spot. When he looked into the room your father began walking into, the tea room, he only spared you a short glance. 

Alright, well, you weren’t used to that. Most men who saw you immediately started complimenting your parents on how gorgeous you were, praising you and never failing to remark some version of ‘You’ll make a wonderful wife/Someone a very happy husband/Beautiful children’. But he didn’t say a thing.

“Darling, would you be so kind as to draw some directions from here to Braithwaite manor? Our friend  here has gotten lost.” Your father asked your mother who smiled and obliged, heading upstairs to get some paper. “Oh! I didn’t even see you there!” He said when he noticed you sitting on the couch. “Could you bring our guest some tea?”

The stranger looked at you and looked like he was about to decline and tell you not to worry yourself but you were already standing up. “Sure thing daddy, need anything else?” You asked sweetly with a smile. 

Your father looked to the man who just shook his head and tried to say ‘I’m fine’ and ‘No thank you’ at the same time. “No, I’m, thank you,” He jumbled over his words and looked visibly embarrassed. “I’m alright.”

You smiled widely, amused by that. He looked away and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Your father paid no mind and led him to the couch, talking about how harsh the month had been with no rain at all. 

When you got back from the kitchen with a glass of tea he looked up and accepted the glass from you happily, muttering a ‘thanks’ before he almost chugged the entire thing, even chewing on some of the ice. Your mother came down the stairs with a piece of paper in hand and one of your nice fountain pens in the other. 

“You’ll have to excuse my writing, I’m not the best artist.” She joked and sat on the single chair across from the couch. “You should have told our artist here to do it instead, she could draw him the best map he’d ever laid his eyes on.” She joked and you tried not to let them see how bashful she made you. She always bragged about you and anything you did, you could draw something purposefully awful and she would still treat it like a priceless painting.

“Oh it’s alright, I’m sure I’ll manage.” He chuckled, taking more ice into his mouth. 

You sat down on the other side of the couch and watched the man from the corner of your eye. He looked around the house while his jaw moved to chew the ice as if he was taking note of every single window and door. “Say, you folks-”

Your mother sighed in frustration, putting two fingers on her forehead in exasperation. “I’m sorry, I can barely draw a line. Darling, could you please?” She slid the paper across the table and gave you a sweet look.

“I’ll try.” You laughed and leaned down, taking the pen from her.

“What were you saying?” Your father asked from his seat and the man looked confused before he remembered.

“I was just going to ask if you knew of some good people to hire for security. Assuming those men at the end of the road are what I’m thinkin’ they are.”

“Yes, they work for a man named Michael, he hires men that used to be in the war and sells their services to those who can afford it.” Your father said proudly. Arthur just nodded.

“Here’s the house.” You said to the man as you drew a small house next to the scribbles your mother had done. He scooted closer to you carefully and watched as you drew. “And here’s the road. The corn fields are on the right, the tobacco on the left.” You kept talking as you drew and tried to focus on moving the pen instead of how close he was to you. His body heat radiated off of him and grazed your bare arm and neck, you could hear him breathing slowly. He smelt like smoke and day-old cologne mixed with the leather from his coat. 

As you gave him directions he would never need Arthur felt morality tug at his heartstrings. You were such good people, welcoming him into your home and showing such hospitality. He would have to tell Dutch there was no way, there were too many workers and guards, he would make something up. He came expecting a snooty rich family but was caught off guard by good people. You all had the generosity, kindness, and respect of poor folk.

When you finished you slid the map over on the table. “Let it sit for a minute before you touch it, the ink’s still wet.” You warned and put the cap back on the pen. “Especially here.” You laughed softly and pointed at the words of his destination where you had spelled it wrong the first time and scratched it out.

He nodded and muttered an ‘alright’, looking at you from a side glance. Your father talked for a while about the people who lived in the manor, not being shy about his opinion. Arthur couldn’t have agreed more but he kept up his facade and played dumb. 

“It’s dry now.” You said and Arthur looked away from your father. You were looking at the paper so he took the chance to actually look at you, unintentionally admiring you. Normally he was good about keeping his eyes where they belonged. If there was anyone who respected women it was Arthur, but it was hard not to appreciate your beauty. He figured your sweetness was the only reason he stared. It had been a while since he saw a sweet girl who wasn’t trying to pickpocket him or get him to spend a fortune in the saloon. 

“Thank you.” He picked up the paper and admired your work. One of the few things he could really appreciate was art. You drew so effortlessly, the small roads and hills looked like the maps he’d seen the professionals sell. “Well, I reckon I better be on my way, I’ve taken up too much of your time.” 

“Not at all.” Your father stood up and so did the stranger. They shook hands as he thanked your father who shook him off and pat his back a few times. “You sure there’s nothing else we could do for you?”

“You’ve done more than enough.” He promised and looked back to you and your mother, the paper held gently in his hands. “Thank you both for your hospitality. And for the map.” He held up the paper and you smiled, causing him to unknowingly do the same. 

When he started walking out the door with your father you ran upstairs and almost fell off your balcony to watch him ride off. The hot wind hit your face when you reached the banister, just in time to watch him ride off. He put his hat back on and took one last look behind him, not failing to notice the beautiful young girl watching him leave.

***

The frogs and crickets sang while the fireflies lit the black air with soft pulsating gold. You were on your banister half reading a book and half watching the farmboys work in the fields below, their lanterns bobbing gently through the rows of plants, stopping occasionally to pull up weeds or a dead plant. 

It was hard to read. It was stupid to even try. But there was nothing else to do to take your mind off of your thoughts, even though reading wasn’t doing a good job at that. At least it was something.

A dog barking in the distance made you set your book down. It was the dogs they kept up at the end of the road to warn when someone was coming. You waited a minute to see if they would calm down but they didn’t. You heard your father yell downstairs to the men at the end of the road, and they responded with something about deer in the woods. 

You believed it for a moment until you heard rattling from the other side of your balcony. The first thing that came to mind was some kind of greasy gunslinging bastard but before you could start screaming two arms hooked over the side of the ledge, covered by that same damn leather jacket you had been so close to earlier. 

It shouldn’t have made you feel any better considering his original intentions were to rob your family for everything they had. But for some reason you had a feeling he wasn’t a threat to you. That made you incredibly stupid and naive but thankfully, for once, you were right in this situation. 

When he finally pulled himself over he looked surprised to see you standing there watching him. “Now, before you start screaming,” He said as he reached up to grab the lantern that hung above him. “I’m not here to hurt you or anything like that.” He blew out the small flame and the two of you were suddenly surrounded by darkness. 

“Then why are you here?” You asked cautiously. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to see him again, but the last thing you expected was this. If anyone saw him your father's politeness would be out the window as well as Arthur.

He sighed as if he didn’t know why himself. “You been on my mind girl, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why my dumbass thought it would be a good idea to risk not only my ass but yours, just to come back up here and ask for your name.”

You covered your mouth to stifle that bubbled in your throat. “Truly? That’s why?”

Arthur laughed softly, shaking his head when he realized how ridiculous it was. “I suppose so. And I wanted to ask for another one of those hundred-dollar drawings you make.” 

You laughed again and put your fingers on the bottom lip you held between your teeth. “Oh yeah? Was my map that good?”

He grinned and looked down at his boots, kicking them against the floor to kick some pebbles loose from the bottoms. He couldn’t believe how young he felt then, like he was only sixteen again flirting around with the farmer's daughter. The only thing different from that was he was much, much, much older. If the other men in the gang saw him they’d make fun of him till the day he died for sneaking around for a girl. 

“Well, okay, I guess I can make you something.” You smiled while biting your lip. He put on a show of acting grateful, clasping his hands together and placing them in front of his forehead. When you recovered from quiet laughter you went into your room to get some paper and a pencil. You made sure both your doors were locked before you went back onto your dark balcony. You stopped in the open doorway, noticing how little you could see. There was no way you could draw anything out there unless a lantern was lit, but that would be too bright and anyone nearby would be able to see the two of you. “I can’t see out here, maybe we should go in my room.” 

He was reluctant for a minute, considering how fast he’d be able to run and jump out the balcony if need be. “Yeah, sure.” He sighed and walked towards the doors. The spurs on his boots lightly jingled and you could hear fabric moving against fabric as he moved past you into your dimly lit room. “Been a while since I’ve been in a room this nice.” He admitted as he looked around your room. 

“You live in a barn then?” You teased and sat down at the table near the windows. “Oh, I never told you my name. It’s (Y/N).” 

Arthur leaned against the wall near you and crossed his ankles, nodding as he thought over your name. “(Y/N). Never met anyone with that name before.”

You smiled proudly, twirling the pencil in your fingers. “And yours?”

He paused, considering while he looked out the window. “Arthur.” He said finally and looked back to you. 

“Arthur.” You mused before remembering what you were supposed to be doing. “Ah, sorry, what did you say you want me to draw you?”

He snorted and crossed his arms. “I didn’t give that any thought, do anything you’d like.” 

You bit your lip and looked him up and down. “Okay. It might take me a little while though.” He wanted to say ‘good’, but held his tongue and settled for a ‘That’s okay’.

After about an hour of talking, constant talking, you were finally finished. “If I had longer I could have done better, but, here.” You slid the paper across the table to him. After a while, he got tired and had sat down across from you.

He took the paper in his hands and squinted before his eyes widened. “Christ, girl.” He breathed and looked over the lines and shading. “You’re better than me.”

“You draw too?” You asked with sudden interest but he didn’t respond, he was too caught up in the paper in front of him. 

“I can’t believe this. Did you take a picture of me when I wasn’t looking?” He shook his head and scratched his chin as he continued admiring it. 

You blushed and ran a hand through your hair, he made you into a flustered mess with those praises. They were different when they were coming from someone who wasn’t kin. “Thank you.” It was all you could say. You didn’t expect him to like it that much, it was a hurried sketch of him leaning against your wall, but as much as you liked to pretend your art wasn’t that good there was no denying that this was an exceptionally realistic drawing. You were almost sad to see it go.

Arthur shook his head and looked up from the paper, looking at you completely different. Like how your father looked at your mother the first time he saw her shoot a gun. Newfound respect and admiration glinted in those pretty blue eyes of his, all directed to you. He was going to say something else but the sounds of heels coming up the stairway stopped him. 

“(Y/N)! I just found a letter from June, it came yesterday but-” She grabbed your doorknob and tried to open it, only succeeding in causing the door to shake slightly. Arthur looked at you with wide eyes as she called out your name a second time. 

“Go, hurry!” You whispered and he sat up as quickly and quietly as he could, tiptoeing to the open doors. “One second, I’m changing into my nightdress!” You called back to her as you rushed the grown man out of your room.

He paused in the same spot he had climbed up, one hand on the jasmine covered lattice he had used as a ladder. “Could I come see you again?” He asked boldly, the paper in his hand slightly moving from the breeze. 

You laughed in disbelief. “There’s no way I could say no to that. You better.”

Arthur smiled then, the widest and cheesiest smile he had worn in a while. If it wasn’t for the lantern sitting inside your room next to the window he stood near, you wouldn’t have seen it. You wanted to say more, but he swung his legs over the edge and left you to explain to your mother why you spent so long doing something so simple.

[mycatmoo]

yknow. with these protests in portland i wanna share some things concerning portland i learned from my black history class. im not an expert about this by any means and its been 2 years since i was in this class so some details are fuzzy but i think it should be shared regardless since no regular history class will teach these details

the first thing is something people may know of: portlands history with segregation. as everyone knows, for 100 years (between 1849-1950) black people and white people lived in different places with white people having the better stuff and black people have the crappy stuff. this is basic stuff taught in elementary school when we’re taught about martin luther king. whats not taught though is that city boards actually  drew up maps of their cities and and determined the “good” areas and the “bad” areas. the good areas were places that were close to schools, malls, libraries, ect ect but most importantly: were where white people lived. this is called red lining. these good had the most expensive pricing, which made it difficult for black people to leave the poor areas for a better life, and even if someone was able to leave then it would lower the overall community. even the presence of one black person in a community would bring the “best” areas to a “good” area. but this could quickly spiral with the white people leaving the community, bringing their businesses with them and eventually bringing that community down to a poor community. 

so cities started making segregation laws

and portland had some of, if not the most egregious laws in all of the us

and even after segregation ended, it affected portland to the point that its still the whitest city in all of the us

(putting a cut because this is a long post)

i dont remember any details on the laws portland put in place, as i said its been two years. i can offer this map though.

this map was created in 1934 showing the red lining at the time. the great areas are the “best” areas, blue “desirable”, yellow “definitely declining”, and red “undesirable.”

there is a website out there that is collecting as many of these maps as possible and archiving them. if someone knows this website could you tell me it? i was going to put a link to it here but i couldnt find it

next thing up: vanport. vanport was a city between portland and vancouver, thus its name, which was made in a short amount of time to give workers helping a dude build ships to win ww2 a place to live. and i mean was a city. because it flooded and no one running the city did anything to stop it. 

once upon a time vanport was seen as a grand feat of architecture, having been a city made in a little over a hundred days and all. but quickly became a stain on portland after the war when all the white people moved out and all of the black people had to stay. because where could they go? they didnt have the money to move out and portland didnt want them. so they were stuck there. 

the unfortunate thing was that they were protected by a massive damn. this is unfortunate because, as i said, it flooded. the residence only had a 3 days warning to pick up and leave before it destroyed the whole city.

theres debate on why vanport flooded. some argues that the people in charge just didnt know it at the time or if they just wanted to flood an entire city to get rid of it out of racism. personally? i call bullshit that they just didnt know. 

whatever the case may be though the fact still stands that a city full of primarily black people was destroyed and that should be talked about.

if you want to know more about the history of vanport, here is a website i found while googling for the vanport historic site:  https://vanporthistory.org/ portland has a long history of racism that still (clearly) affects it to this day. with whats going on now more than ever i feel its important to for everyone (hell, myself included) to educate themselves on this history. i only gave a basic rundown based off of what i remember, so if you want to make any corrections (well, dm me on things i could add or correct for this post) or if you want to add onto anything here i more than encourage you to do so

and to the people in portland, from a neighbor across the river, stay safe. remember to protest safely. and if im able to i fully intend to join the protests too. its just difficult for me since i live in vancouver and my only means of transportation is really by car due to some personal reasons on my end

and one last thing. here is a link to a map of the lynchings all across the us: 

https://plaintalkhistory.com/monroeandflorencework/explore/map2/#3.91/41.43/-102.75

and before any of you ask why italians are included there. white people were also racist against other white people. the difference is that they can be subsumed into the norm while people of other races cant

[pbandjesse]

Happy Mother's Day! I was lucky enough to spend some time with my mom last weekend but I want her to know how much I love her and appreciate her!!! 

And today was such a beautiful day. The weather was so nice, the sun was out. And for the most part I felt good!

I slept alright. And I woke up eventually. I am still not sleeping great but you know. Trying to not let that get me down. I felt a lot happier today. Im trying my best to stay positive. Some days are better then others. 

When I got up today James was getting ready to head out. He was going to work for a little to help out with brunch and then go for a bike ride. 

I got up and got washed. I tried to use Veet on my legs to see if that might be a thing I do again this summer. It went okay enough. I lost the scraper thing so I used a pallet knife. Worked good enough. I got cleaned up and dressed and felt pretty good. 

I had the leftover chipolte for brunch. Added some cheese and it was a good meal. I played a little animal crossing. And saw that one of my favorite youtubers uploaded a video essay that was an hour and a half long and I was like. Yes. So I watched that and played animal crossing and lay in the studio. But then James called me and he had a flat tire because he is having terrible luck with his bike. And so I got some shoes on and grabbed my jacket and headed out to get him. 

Its always weird to be out right now. When I left the house two guys were sitting on the stoop and even though I was wearing a mask and sungalasses they were like. Youre beautiful!! And Im like. You cannot see my face but thank you haha. 

But it was a good little drive. I liked listening to music. But I got my boy and people watched while I waited for James to get his bike on the rack. About half of people are wearing masks. I do find it hard to wear the ones I have. It sort of feels like I have cotton in my mouth when I try to talk. But I wear it. I fuss with it but I wear it! I wonder what the summer will look like. I just want things to become a little more normal. But like summer camp is probably not going to happen. And Im real sad about it. But things will be okay I hope. 

We went home for a while and I finished my video. But soon it was time to go. We were off the the arboretum to walk around some nature with James's family. I was a little nervous. Would it be crowded? Would people be terrible? But it was actually okay. They had a fairly small parking lot which helped with tempering crowds. There were still people but we all seemed to be working hard to stay apart. And most people had masks or at least put them on as they walked past. 

It was really nice to see the Fulwilers. Charlotte was there. And it was such a nice time all around. The grounds of the place were beautiful. We saw flowers. I even got to see a hummingbird moth!!!   I had never seen that before. And honestly it was one of the best parts of the day. I wasnt sure if it was a real hummingbird but it was way to small and kind of striped and I was like. AHH!! I know what that is!! Made me really happy. 

We saw some really pretty flowers. I enjoyed myself a lot. I did find someone's camera card though and I felt really bad about that. I put in a a pole so it was at least not on the ground. I hope it makes it way home. 

We went over to the new visitor center to look, even though we couldnt go inside, we saw the map and some things they had. And then we went on a little walk down a trail. It was a nice I really had a good time. And to find a new beautiful place near us was a really good treat. 

We all headed out and said goodbye to the family. We drove behind them for a little while but we got home quick. I was in a good mood but also kind of sun tired. 

We sat and checked on our island but I was just kind of beat. I tried to shake it off with activity though! I installed the new screen thing and its great. No swarm of flies in our bedroom anymore! It took sweetp a little to figure it out but he got it and was outside and then back in a few times. Very proud of my smart boy. Even though he made me mad when I was trying to install it and he was biting it like a jerk. I am very pleased with our screen.

James made me quesadillas and then I went and laid in the studio. I didnt exactly plan to nap but I kind of dozed and woke up and it was very bright. But James was there. He offered to make me something but I just wanted cereal. 

I checked on our island but then I went to the studio to work on a little sculpture. I am trying to make people but I am not good at that! It will be good practice. I tried to make them out of tinfoil first but honestly I think that made it worse. Maybe wire? Ill try again tomorrow. 

I got a shower because I felt weird from being outside in the sun. And then I went and chilled in bed until James's trivia game was done. He finished that up and now were hanging out. I am sleepy but I want to spend more time with him because he's working all day tomorrow. But it will be okay. I love him very much. 

I hope you are all having a great night. Sleep well everyone. Be safe. 

[voltronramblings]

um this got like really really long lmao (feel free to just post like a cut off version so it doesn’t clog up ppls dash lol) kind of super embarrassed about how long it is but…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i got a lot to say, i hope that’s okay

Haha, you’re completely fine, sweetheart! I am gonna put it under the cut so that it doesn’t end up taking a lot of space on someone’s dash ❤️

Can i pls get a matchup? :3 I’m a bi girl, 5’6 with longish wavy red hair, blue eyes and lots of freckles cuz i always forget to reapply sunscreen lol pretty much always have a sunburn during the summer. I’m a INFP, and a libra. I’ve got a major case of ADHD, lots of energy and horrible at focusing, lots of fidgeting all the time (mostly the leg bounceTM and tapping things) (also got that anxiety/depression thing goin on).

I’m not super social, I hate big parties, I don’t have a Lot of friends, but the friends I do have I’m really close to and would trust with my life (I’m kind of really selective with who i befriend). If i don’t like a person, they will be able to Tell, I don’t go out of my way to be mean to them but,, it’s a bit obvious. I’m the fun friend, always getting people to laugh and smile and be happy, and I’m super loyal to my friends, ride-or-die kind of gal. I also tend to be the one that people lean on, or turn to if the need any advice or comfort. I’m also really close with my family, love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.

I love to play the piano and sing (pretty good at the first one, not so much the second lol) and i tend to do that when I’m feeling stressed out or sad and it helps a lot. I’m currently in college studying geography and cartography and I’m like a super nerd about it lol. I love to go hiking in the mountains where i live and go swimming in the rivers, and when I’m staying at my family home I go to the beach all the time, my fave summer tradition is having bonfire parties on the beach with my friends where we just swim and build sand castles all day and then roast hot dogs and marshmallows (some of my fave memories of high school were on the beach super late at night around the campfire). I am pretty active, i used to be super into sports in high school but now i’m not really, I used to swim competitively for like 8 years, and I also was part of a rowing team for a couple years, and I really loved it, trying to get back into it but i’m way too out of shape rn lmao. I also love baseball, watching it and playing it (but mostly i just watch) (go giants). I love music, fave genres being rock/alt rock/punk/pop, and I loooove going to concerts, i’ve been to at least 30 by now lol I’m pretty much always got music playing, my fave band is fall out boy (i’m basic i know lol).

my grades have always been…. Super average. Not because I don’t understand what I’m being taught but because I never really did my homework, i would always procrastinate and especially with big projects, if it wasn’t absolutely perfect I hated it and would be constantly stressed about it and then just not do it so :/ (this is still true a little in college but i’m getting much better and just getting things done, and i like to have friends with me while i’m working so they can yell at me if i get distracted).

This got really really long so i’m just gonna stop now lmao (i like to talk about myself lol is it obvious??) (ive never done a matchup request before but i like yours because you put so much thought into them i couldnt resist thank you love you)

hi, love! Before I start, the fact that you let me know about that ^^ literally makes me so happy and is one of the only reasons I still accept match-ups. I know what I was like sending my first match-up request in and I was a nervous wreck. Which is why I sincerely mean it when I say that I am deeply sorry for how long this took to get back to you. Thank you for sending this in and I love you too 💕

SO, it may seem kind of weird but I actually ship you with Pidge (adjusted to your age, of course, bc we don’t do support pedophilia in this Christian household, no thank you)! However, if the fact that Pidge is (canonically) still a teen bothers you, I can and will match you with someone else!

Appearance reason: most people do the whole “your freckles make constellations” thing, but Pidge said “nah, they’re compounds and mixtures lol” what a nerd. She’ll look for one that matches the formula for sugar just to say “hey, you’re pretty sweet”. Also, she feels the sunburn comment on a personal level bc she too is pretty much always burnt somewhere, it’s not fair.

Mentality reason: Pidge is no stranger to mental health disorders such as ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Whatever she can do for you, she’ll do, no questions asked. While she is more knowledgeable about the physical sciences, she can quickly pick up the psychological (and biological, but I think that’s a physical science) aspect of mental health disorders, and, if there’s something that she can make to help you, she will. One of those is definitely creating a portable mini-piano so you can tap away at that, using some energy and even creating a little music.

Introvert reason: Pidge is 100% definitely an introvert, and, while with the right company she might enjoy a party, she’ll tend to spend the night in. So, you two are pretty much aligned when it comes to those kinds of nights, you know? You just keep each other company, often in silence, and that’s more than enough.

Personality reason: Pidge is someone who has trouble relying on others. She’s so much of a “I can do this myself so watch me do it better than you” kind of attitude, and, while she’s amazing, even she needs someone whom she can rely on. Your personality tends to naturally bring that out of her. Before anything else, you two are best friends, and you’d do anything for each other. Because of that bond, Pidge feels able to come and talk to you about things that she really can’t with anyone else.

Hobby reason: Pidge is totally just in awe of your musical abilities even if you’re not as confident in them yourself. She loves listening to you playing the piano or even singing along quietly to whatever song is playing. With other people, Pidge prefers to work in the quiet (unless she’s discussing something or explaining something), but she loves to just hear you faintly in the background like a distant record player. ALSO, as the Guardian of Nature, she’s exploring new ways to connect with nature, so she’ll often accompany you whenever you’re going out to the mountains. She will most definitely be complaining for part of it because it’s too hot and there’re so many bugs, but she’ll always go because she loves spending time with you even if she can’t always keep up. Rivers and beaches aren’t necessarily her domain, but she still enjoys being in water (especially if she’s sweaty as frick from all of that walking). While you may be actually swimming, she’ll probably just be in the water, floating along somewhere… she does like the bonfire idea as it’s much less strenuous, and it’s fun to be with everyone whether that’s just you or the whole Voltron crew.

Education reason: lol, I had no idea what to call this so here ya go. Basically, Pidge adores your brilliance when it comes to anything that you’re interested in (in this case, geography and cartography). Especially if you’re drawing maps of the places that y’all visit through space, she’ll be there with papers and pencils and any drawing tools you might need. She just loves seeing how it all turns out in the end, especially since it’s like a mix of science and art and WOW you can do BOTH so well !! And she’s definitely a huge (?) help when it comes to procrastination. A little bit of a hypocrite sometimes because she tends to get distracted herself if it’s not something she’s genuinely interested in. But, she will definitely be there to help keep you on track if you’re losing focus or motivation, and she will also offer to help in any way, shape, or form that she can. She wants you to do your best but also not stress so much about it because, sometimes, imperfections are better than any perfect thing out there. Y’all also have a deal where you can switch off rambling about what you’re passionate about, it’s cute and wholesome 💕 you guys are literal best friends which is so nice to be with your significant other.

[blookmallow]

skyrim misadventures, ft Weird Magic Stuff, a determined spite mission, and some spooky encounters

-----

still absolutely love this guy 

[me, the leader of the brotherhood, who just assassinated the fucking emperor a few weeks ago] oh we’re not, huh

sighs i really want to do the thieves guild storyline but i dont want to work with the slimeball scam elixir guy to run a decent dude out of business for no reason... i like brand-shei hes my friend :( 

i might not go through with it on this file, i definitely will with my khajiit though if nothing else 

i know having a khajiit thief character is way obvious lmao but 

nice 

NICE

i forget which quest this was but I FOUND A SKELETON DRAGON????? IVE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE

holy SHIT thats so many skeletons

i got SO many skulls in here 

i also found this spooky hand, but couldnt figure out anything to do with it yet, unless its just here for Ominous Mage Experiments Gone Wrong purposes 

anyway all this was on a quest to find the augur, which nobody wanted to talk about and kept going “ohh yeah.... he Used To Be a student.... until..... The Accident” and i was losing my MIND trying to imagine what kind of horrific thing this guy got turned into but then i finally found him and 

:/ hes just a big glowy ball

which, i mean, is cool and all, but i was hoping for like, a dude who turned himself inside out or became some eldritch horror or something 

through all these winterhold quests i started finally getting half decent at magic (not like, Good, but acceptably ok) and decided to finally go back for that one disastrous cidnha mine quest ive been avoiding 

you get thrown in the markarth prison mines with nothing and gotta find a way to escape, which can be accomplished without too much trouble if you band together with your fellow inmates, however, they are fucking forsworn and will start murdering everyone near them once they escape with you

 i dont know if that keeps you stuck with a bounty in markarth or not, but i REALLY didnt want to release the forsworn leader out into the world, or be friends with those fuckers, or ruin my reputation, or risk civilian casualties even though theres not really that many people i care particularly about in markarth now that muiri is safe is solitude, so. i had previously just reloaded a save and ignored the quest for ages

because like. i dont think you Can get out on your own and if you try to turn on them and fight once you make your escape its REALLY hard to survive bc they outnumber you and you dont have any armor or anything other than like, shitty prison shivs 

however: the guards cannot take away your magic or your shouts, so

this time i was fucking ready, i have the ability to summon a FRIEND now to fight with me (i dont know what would’ve happened if i had a companion with me during this mess but like. i can Make one), i learned how to make a magic sword so id at least have some kind of halfway decent weapon, and ive got healing magic 

cool dragon powers also help (this was from. later on bc i have my stuff in this shot but)

this was still hard as shit, lucien got defeated pretty early on, and with no magicka potions its really hard to keep healing while fighting but i eventually fucking DID IT, i killed every single forsworn prisoner including madanach, and escaped myself (which granted me a pardon and some kind of special ring i dont care about from the silverbloods) 

i mentioned this misadventure to my dad later and he legitimately didnt know it was even possible to do this lmao i was VERY determined not to help the forsworn ever in any way

those guys ruin my day every five minutes when im out anywhere near their camps even if i try to avoid them like the plague i hate them!! 

i kept the shivs though and later discovered 

you can enchant them

LOOK at this cavern!!!!!!!

also i ran into a fucking headless horseman ??????

i didnt even know he was there until i heard lucien unsheathing his weapon when he saw it behind me and i looked to see what he was concerned about 

i followed him for ages like halfway across the map but eventually i had so many bandits and wolves and also a dragon chasing after me i lost sight of him after a while :’| WILD though

not that im ever going to sell it but i cant help noticing the blade of woe is worth 666 gold, 

cicero’s always mentioning he wants skyforge steel so i bought him a skyforge dagger and enchanted it for him (i think i put silent moons enchantment on it, i forget), finally remembered to give it to him but didnt take back the other dagger i gave him before to see if he’d pick which one he wants to use and here he is using his new one.... baby likes his present im so glad,

granted its probably just like, an automatic npc thing to just use whatever weapon has the best stats but i like to think he likes it

he still says the line all the time he doesn’t have like. special dialogue if you Do give him skyforge steel or anything but still

anyway i also had this mission going for boethiah where i was supposed to. bring her a sacrifice, essentially. which, yeah, ok, obvious bad idea, but im already an assassin, whats the difference at this point right 

my first thought was to go hire a random mercenary at windhelm, since many of the most unpleasant people in skyrim seem to live there, and i figured the chances were pretty good hes racist and insufferable like the others

but we ended up killing a dragon together and god damn it hes actually a nice guy, i like him :’) so we’re friends now after all

however, boethiah still needed a sacrifice, and. there’s this drunk guy in markarth you can hire after you defeat him in a brawl, and. he doesn’t seem to have a lot going on in his life other than shit tons of mead, so. i figured he’d do :’ ) 

holy FUCK

i dont regret carrying out this quest bc like... A) it was really cool and B) -

i eventually got this fuckin SICK armor out of it that ups my stealth while actually being pretty legit defense, and it poisons any enemies that come near me but somehow doesnt poison friendly npcs which is WILD and incredibly convenient for when im getting mobbed but dont want to accidentally murder whatever companion i have with me at the time

i do feel bad about sacrificing cosnach though like. he was little more than a random drunk guy but that doesn’t mean he deserved it, y’know :’ ) i couldn’t find anyone i hated that would also follow me though

also i later discovered on the wiki you can actually marry that guy, and im just like. why, out of all the options you have in skyrim, would you go for “random drunk dude who gets in bar fights” 

i dunno maybe he grows on you if you fight with him for a while but i didnt want to get attached again :’) 

i found wisps??? i think?????? i couldnt figure out any way to interact with them but they glow and bounce around and i LOVE them

woah!!!!!!

i. dont remember what was in there but apparently the wisps really wanted me to find it 

(i do remember getting stuck in this room and couldn’t figure out how to get the door to open though so i just kinda backtracked and left the way i came in, dunno if i missed anything important or if it was just an alternate way out that i couldnt figure out) 

[order-progress]

I used to have a really entitled outlook on life. In my mind though, I was entitled to my thought processes because it was where my mind existed in the place having had come from a once far more turbulent era. Back then I didn't question things that werent outwardly obvious. I didnt question the unremarkable identities of things that exhibited no distinctions amongst one another. Life was a stream of experience, and I just did the best of choices I decided to arrange, or really actually, more like shuffle choices into a messy pile and pat myself in the back cause I could squint at it my mismatched pile of non related events and not feel guilty for putting off routine, structure and goals.

I guess it isnt so surprising to anticipate that like all my other experiences, disicpline would present itself when and if I needed it to be summoned out of wherever creative and yet very hard to imagine location i would imagine it arriving at some future, ambiguous date, just in time to make no work look like fancier no work and with ribbons on it.

Something very common happened to me, something that is happinning right now all around the world, no matter how many days, or years after i first posted this here.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

I wore my entitlement pretty high that day, because somehow, despite there having been no carefully executed plan made on ky end--some masterpiece scheme of genius where one could really see there existed some reasonable and healthy attention to tackle to fucking problem.

Nope. My mother fucking entitled ass decided id actually be shocked. Not even fake shocked. Thats how you know you have lost touch with your surroundings, because big things happen in your wake..while your awake and yet somehow your stuck on who killed the butler in the library with the candle stick.

What makes this one of the most significant event despite its occurance being fairly common globaly, is that his presence had caused me to become more aware of more of the things I would have otherwise taken in stride, none of these events were remarkable on their own, but collectivelly, I had inadvertantly cleaned up my mindspace to find neatly organized clusters of thoughts no longer blending into the subconcious like 70's urban grafitti.

I didnt hold that moment to some disporportionately skewed sugar coating scale just to get ribbons on them after they were organized,I just acknowledged them, like a breath,where as before, they were simply obstacles or pit stops that would perpetuate the chronic attention deficit I had welcomed into my head. I like to think of ADD as the worlds most innefective street sweepers, they sweep alright, but they just make a bigger mess and then you got things in places they have no business being in.

I was in a place of low self worth because of an accumulated collection of short lived and half assed adventures, disastrous endeavers and the nefarious presence of something so obscured, so black and forboding, made me avoid certain places for simply not wanting to deal with the house keeping it wouldve required to mitigate its destructive intentions.

I kept myself busy to not force the acknowledgent that this would become a source of not only my insecuruties, but then in addition to its ever increasing interconnectedness, its complexity. Its chambers that hardened like a mystical kight of armor, whose drawers were full of destructive objects and thoughts that rattled in their confinement as a means of foreshadowing something so sinister, I could not then yet fathom the destrutive ways its icy talons would engulf and twist into my everyday life simply to create chaos, and it didnt register that this was a problem because amidst this battle royale of fragments and bits of poorly put together patterns, Francisco's presense was a light whose emimation lulled me into a complacecy I hadnt anticipated

It wasnt that in this period, that I conciously made a decision to disregard the growing issue, it was the novelty of being in a loving, beautiful and mature relationship with someone that as each day grew, so did my conviction that this person was becoming the brightest fixture in an ever cramped confined hallway of possibilities.

As I stood there aware of this moment, feeling a satisfaction and a gratitude I had never felt before, I realized that I had come so far on autopilot, it was a move that was almost instinctual, I rolled my sleeves up, put on the rocky theme song, got my gym bag ready, went and bought like every stupid unessecary stupid trinket shit people buy to feel like their getting a handle and a good start on some shit, but really it just becomes the infuriating bag of junk that is now the obstacle between you and the door handle to exit your car and actually start your project.

I felt a sense of urgency, I saw how unequipped I had been and while I was and it was this moment that taught me how much I loved him. I reckognized that somehow I was one of those fucking weirdos that jumped through those seedy ass short cut type scenarios in life to give you the same effect of the real thing in less the time, kind of like a GED vs high school diploma, or plan b instead of condoms.

I recognized that there was an innate element of unneccesary risk involved in many of my accomplishments. The risk was usually always a concious decision that I would accept a certain amount of totally unnecessary consequences that typically would define the life of those people who you catch specific glimpses of in mysterious times like dawn or dusk. And be like..yea i could totally see that guy having to figure out what to do with the llama he inherited as a result of some gamble.

This was no longer an acceptable risk. It wasnt that i thought it was dangerous or scare him away, its that I am not the kind of man that wakes up and sees the problems his factory has and finally knows how to fix it and then just be okay with going to bed and put it off.

This is where I get annoyed again. I knew that I wasnt capable of actively doing something against him, because we both agreed on things, and also neither of us was completely high as fucking kite on methamphetamines while operating a forklift to tune a paino yet.

I couldnt ever feel bad about atheletes who ugly cried after being disqualified for juicing to get an unfair advantage in the sports world.

Yet once again my overwhelming confidence, my lovable man mentality of "fuck a map or tools you got grit, spit and teeth". Prevailed.

Im mad because it was this moment right here. In a sea of me being happy to grow and learn and doing the rignt thing. I saw a place i overlooked, its presence was almost like a marker that there were many other areas i needed to work on, and i got sad.

I didnt feel good enough. I felt like a mess. I felt dissapointed at the pride in nothing I had taken so many times. I was finally proud of the changes i was making again, only to be reminded in a very real way of how I never had structure, never had a fail safe implemented effectively to instead of adopting either anxiety or no fucks about an event that could have been in my power to mitigate, i either didnt even notice I missed it, or didnt care.

As I started seeing the mountain of work I had to do, I wondered what it meant about how effectively i could handle other things moving forward, it was an irrational fear that I had that I would dissapoint him because I wanted us to be happy. But i am an artistic person, people who work with details to make a larger picture learn early on how to work details, and I never evaluated just how shoddy my altertanitive crash course was like getting PlAN B instead of putting a condom on.

I can handle pressure effectively. I can be okay with my decisions. What I cant do is open up a factory, see everything that was negelcted when I now know how to fix it, and then go to sleep like nothing bothered me.

I never in my life found myself in a place where i came face to face with old life and it made me feel sad or humilated. I felt like a fraud for just having gotten lucky that everytning worked out, while he worked hard.

I suddenly felt something I never experienced before, fear in love. The moment where you realize your not a piece of shit because you actually dont want to let someone down, the moment when you feel bad because you walked around in life with luck you didnt give a second thought to and passed it off as hard work. And here was this beautiful man, whose life was suffering and hard work, and you realized all of it at once, and there I was, eager fucking beaver captain america man of the house cause now i feel like a god damned engineer since i could assemble an ikea 3 piece wrench-back the fuck up motherfuckers.

I just felt humbled and i felt driven. I also felt the pressures rise up around me and I dont know why I couldnt look away from the sight of the realization of how id been. And its not like i did it all on purpose, but from that moment on, it was as if I had something to prove to myself that at that time I couldnt understand yet because I hadnt reflected yet. And as I was taking the scenic route on ways to "punish yourself is actually how we fucking motivate ourselves around here cus were fucking men" the bigger I created something inside me that wasnt ever there. And then as the places that I had been tendering to and growing in started to not be kept, pressure in my life at home happened. And for the first time in my entire life I was embarrassed at my life.

I remember the moment I felt it, my mom leaving me at work after I lost my car. I walked 2 miles in the cold because i was infuriated that I allowed another event I could have forseen to happen.

I never in my life reflected this intensley on my actions before. Having him in my life made me realize I had been holding myself to a higher standard because I am at my best when I when I am actively building towards something. I opened a place in me I never saw with those eyes and it hurt me. I tried to let him in, and to be honest, the insecurities of him seeing all that mortiified me..not because I would be seen as a slob or this or that, i was just dissapointed that I for a time during when I needed it the most in my early life, I wasnt necessarily taught healthy ways to do things. Mostly because I came to this country at 10, didnt know english, parents worked all the time until i was 16 and then dad got sick with brain cancer and we caught it after he had a seizure cause dad apperently loved moonlighting as my biggest fan when he would go reading my journal at night.

I didnt know how to explain it to francisco. I was feeling. New concept, i was feeling out of sync, i didnt understand why it hit me so hard. I was trying to look away and orient myself on the present.

I could have just dealt with that. But i suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. My boyfriend and I were getting into arguments because I just wanted us to be closer due to this need i didnt know how to vocalize about what I was going through, and he hesitated because he probably thought id leave him if i saw his dirty secrets.

That was the one thing he really never appreciated about my love. I just knew. If everything else was as evident ..like this feelings and where they came from and how to process them healthy while ...it just all got too much. I didnt know how to tell him what I needed. I just needed him.

I started to feel like i wasnt tethered to the focused areas I was so eager to work in. I just kept telling myself communication is key we will get through it.

Then I the drugs did something I didnt expect them to. They turned off this guilt and switch. They gave me the quiet to make them come down to a more manegeable place where I wasnt overwhelmed anymore.

Because I couldnt process this in words at the time, i didnt know how to express that to him. It led to me feeling guilty for not understanding why i enjoyed doing the drugs aside from the stimulant effect. When i tried to explain it to him, it was like trying to coin a cheesy motto for a doomed cereal commercial in french, basically everuthing sounded like something he had no understamding or could relate to.

I started feeling depressed because i could see that although from his perspective we were fighting..

I was even more frustrated becauese we werent fighting. I was pretty much crying, trying to tell him in french something he didnt understand while he was yelling at me in english about me not respecting him by not speaking english.

This was the worst fucking part. Because part of the issue that led me here was accountabiliyy and communication.

I kept telling him in the only way i knew how.please im sorry i know things are getting worse. But this isnt how we are.

I thought we could get through anything.

In his mind he saw a piece of something, he ignored my emotional attachment to it..and i mean i cant blame him, other people never quit.

But even in those moments i knew i wasnt going to be other people.

And suddenly i was alone. I was depressed. I had realized that it wasnt us that was th issue so i tried so hard to communicate more effectively that he got frustrated and said i talked in loops. I felt so alone because i understood his frustration and i just needed him to trust me. But that was the perfect storm when i just got so alone feeling from his inability to just not look at me how i felt at myself. And i honestly tried to fix it in the middle of him running away and the most painful thing was that he couldnt understand and i didnt know how to say it.

I dont blame him for leaving

But a part of me breaks to my very core to know that if he just literally lookrd at me like yes i was going crZy but i was just hurting and overwhelmed.

All i wanted and needed was him.

The worst. Pain was that he didnt see that.

And i needed to explain it. And he didnt let me.

I felt like i was desperatly trying to express something of real explaination. I just honestly was desperate to because he was running.

I

[vnshpsr]

Dan terjadi lagi..

-overheard Peterpan’s song-

Whew its been a long time since my last post here.

And again, i came here only when i hit the lowest part of mylife. Apparently the last time i write here wasnt the lowest point of my life, or it actually is but now i revisit that lowest point(?).

Seriously nis, kapan belajarnya sih?????

Long story short, my life’s been really dull, mostly offices drama since march-july 2019. Bener-bener gak betah di kantor, requestioning my life, what would i be if the situation remain the same? I’ve wasted my time being faraway from everyone, yet i didnt get any improvement in my career. Imma failure indeed.

Suddenly ive got chance to go to jakarta for 1.5 months on August. That was the best time of the year, being away from whole drama and recharging my life by meeting my family, old friends and higher chances to meet new people.

On that training, i was reminded again that im worthy, im capable and all i need is to believe in myself more.

Im still capable to meet new people and build new networking, effortlessly without being somebody else. Im just bein me, and they accept me for who i am.

I was reminded again that people who get my jokes do exist, we’re in the same frequencies but not in the same city. People who have similar food taste with me do exist. People who share the same values with me do exist. im relieved...

And there you were.

Among all of people in that room, i didnt even notice you, you were saying this

“Standby loan? Gak ada yg tau kan? ...nobody knows” (he’s referring to Stand by Me - Oasis)

I was the only one who laugh in that room. That’s when i know, we could be a good friend, and you notice me was the only one whos laughing.

Turns out you were really attentive, you remind every things i’ve said i dont even remember it. Among my shitty environment, you make me believe again that people who pay attention to every words i said does exist. Im quite surprised because, yea probably i’ve lived in shitty place for too long where people dont really pay attention to what i’ve said they even surprised if i could remember tiny details of them!

There you are.

You asked me for a dinner, just the two of us for once, twice..

Ive build my fortress for too long, i was still second guessing myself if i could open up my heart again.

But i realized we’d be going nowhere. Im trapped again in this interfaith relationship. Also we came from very very different cultural, never have i ever thought id be in a relationships with you, Al.

And again, God just showing me a better man does exist.

But,

Why.

Why is he a chinese catholic?

Wasnt that enough that my life path had to crossed with a balinese hindu?

Where is moslem guy that would be my imam?????????

And why do they have almost all the things i could imagine about my future husband except our different beliefs?

He urged me to be myself, he didnt want me to be somebody else. He heard all of my laugh, my haluness, even when i cried hes there, he wont hang up the phone because he will make sure that i already calm and ready to sleep, he really loves mapping out all my problems, he even make a sudden call when we were at work, we discuss about our work and share many perspectives. How cant i not love this guy?

Damn you, Al. Why you’re exist in my life if you wouldnt make it till the rest of my lives?

Why you and i had to be so curious about each other, and why did we got so comfortable when we’re around?

Why cant i get that feeling from my past relationship who even asked to marry me?

Why cant i have you, i couldnt bear this pain. It really sickening me to realize that we’re trapped in these interfaith relationship.

Surely, God is showing me again that nobody’s perfect.

And i still cant get you out of my head,

your excitement to meet me,

and how you wouldnt want this come to an end.

The way you hold and kisses my hand while youre driving and you dont want to let me go.

The way you put my hand to your head bcs you want me to give you pats bcs you are actually a cheeky boy inside that big man body.

The way you said “kamu gak mau meluk aku gitu?” while your hands ready to catch me.

The way you said “kamu baik baik aja ya disana”

Then we both exhale heavily bcs the time has come.

Time for me to get out from your life, even i didnt want to, but i had to.

I had to let you go, Al.

Al, i’ve got the worst pang in the middle of the night knowing i cant be with you anymore.

Ive been intoxicating myself, again, im so fucked up, Al.

I can even pray and read the holy book seeking for some peace after i intoxicating myself. I ask god for forgiveness, i really cant bear this and drink again and cry even more.

Im so fucked up.

I wish there is moslem version of you.

You handle me really well to the point im surprised you were exist in this universe.

But, we’re not meant to be together.

Why God? Why?

[tumblunni]

Hey! An idea for poke randomizer friend content!

Okay so i'm still working on building The Ultimate Fuckin Nutso Everything Random'd Sinnoh Rom because "hey i should learn to hack just to change the stuff this randomizer app doesnt contain" seemed reasonable at the time. A year later and im still hacking away, lol!

SO!! A THING I THOUGHT!!

There's this special randomizer that changes the colours of the pokemon, and i thought wouldnt that be cool if we could do that with trainer sprites too? But i dont know how to hack this person's hacking software to change the parameters, and itd probably not work the same considering how the random colours are mapped to a pokemon's stats and types.

BUT the problem is that when im doing manual hacking of stuff theres only a limited amount of things you can hack withoyt like... Looking at the hack. Cos the whole fun of randomizing would be ruined if i knew what to expect!

So here's my idea:

You guys make me some randomness!

If i get other people to do trainer recolours/spriteswaps/customs/gratuitous meme pictures/whatever the fuck and name them the same as the regular filenames, then i can just dump them all into the game without ever seeing what each file contains. Itd be even more fun than randomizing the game's existibg content cos you guys could completely troll the shit out of me and i'd never see it coming!

Another idea is that possibly you guys could help with text editing too? Like there's a text randomizer but it only works for oras and sun and moon. I guess something about the 3ds games changed how they handle text? But you can still manually edit text in sinnoh, just again it wouldny be a surprise if i did it myself. So lol if any of you guys know how to use text editors you could leave funny messages for me to read out on youtube!

Also just if any of you guys actually know anything about hacking then it'd be a huge help to recruit you to this project! I'm currently trying to figure out if there's any randomness i can do with the maps. Like if its possible to have every door lead to the wrong place? Or have random npcs appear on the wrong maps? (Which would probably make the game uncompleteable but very funny) Or maybe be able to randomize the map graphics so grass looks like ice or whatever? I'd have to hack in and find every "set" of sprites to make sure im only swapping floors for floors and such. And i couldnt really do anything about any of the 3d objects on the map.

Hhhh why is this so complicated and fun!!!

[bookworm-2692]

8, 14, 17 for the dnd asks!

thank you!!!!

8: what does your dream dice set look like?

hmmm i’m not sure…. definitely blue. probably that etheral yeti one miho sent yesterday that i fell in love with haha they’re so pretty!!!!!

14: what inspired you to make your character?

i guess i’ll go through each of them.

norixius kava, dragonborn paladin (out of the abyss). this was my first one and i had no idea how dnd worked haha at all. in the car on the way to my cousins place, i was driving, and my dad and brother were reading through the books and talking about the races and classes and stuff and explaining to me bc obvi i couldnt read them bc i was driving haha. anyway we got to my cousins place and each of them paired up w the three of us to help make our first characters and we rolled for stats and they asked if i had anything i wanted to play and i was like “idk dragonborn sounds really cool” and they were like thats as good a reason as any, and then they suggested paladin would work well w my stats so i was like sure why not and did it haha. she survived the campaign, to level 11

matilda, human monk (curse of strahd). this was point buy system. i had mentioned seeing a homebrew avatar thing, so one of my cousins mentioned how way of the four elements monk is like the avatar, so i read through it and thought it sounded cool. i took the mobile feat, and went way of open hand instead. in this campaign we had a fight where four characters died outright (three deaths due to natural 1s in the death saves) and only two survived, including matilda. the dm mentioned taking the dead people to another room to discuss what to do and i was like “nah brian and i will just move since we’re the only alive one and theres more of you”. they ended up becoming revernants (idk spelling) but i suggested adding a caveat in place where every time you died as a revernant, you lost 1hp from your max, which we did. we then abandoned this campaign after 4 levels bc my uncle who was dm-ing was having trouble finding the time to read the campaign

jamnugget, gnome fighter (arcane archer) (storm kings thunder). this was rolling stats. one cousin rolled between 13 and 18 for every stat, and after race ability improvements got all 14-18…. so he multiclassed all of them and got to level 12 as one of each class it was a beautiful amalgamation (omg i spelt that correctly first try haha). then someone else rolled three single digit stats but was told he wasnt allowed to reroll so he became a druid for wildshape. he had -2 con, so only adding 3hp per level, starting at 6hp. 3rd level before he got double digits. if you averaged the rolls of these two you got normal stats haha. anyway onto my character. my cousin suggested the arcane archer thing on unearthed arcana so i was like “sure ok”. turns out you only got two magic arrows per rest thing and they werent very good so i hardly used them. the sharpshooter feat was way better. the best part tho was bc we were fighting so many giants, at one point someone cast fly on me, someone else cast greater invisibility on me, someone else gave me bless, so then i went in a chased a giant just shooting him on my own while everyone else was doing something else it was great. i also accidentally succeeded on an intimidation check bc an npc was saying “im sure we could handle a giant” when we asked about that and i was like “ive killed 15 myself” (bc we were keeping tallies on our sheets) and the guy panicked bc was technically in an alliance w them whoops. jamnugget survived the campaign. six of the seven original characters survived to the end, my brother went through four characters

maegrakka, half elf barbarian. we were told to make characters for a quick one shot dungeon thing for when storm kings thunder dm wasnt able to make it. so i made a barbarian bc i decided that was something i hadnt done yet and would be easy to just make (no spells. i have a strong aversion to spell casters). i think shes level 3 now???? every time we play this everyones like “wait whats my character again” bc its so long in between haha

nissa, human rogue 1 monk 2. one shot a friend wanted to dm before he moved to canberra. it was very fun. i made a monk bc i was desperate to play again bc matilda had been abandoned. i added a rogue level for sneak attack damage, w mobile feat, it was great

clover, human fighter 11 or 12, monk 3 or 4. level 15 fight to the death situation. i knew how powerful the arcane archer stuff was so i did it here. monk levels were to give me back up in case i got engaged in melee. i shouldve had some sort of healing that was my downfall. my first character to die bc three of them were ganging up on me!!

meredith, elf wizard (tomb of annihilation). we started off playing as commoners, as servants to this lord guy. so i was a librarian and realised id have to be a wizard dammit. i hated the spell casting part haha. she died. its funny bc my dads character died at first level, then we levelled up. brians character died at second level, then we levelled up. they were also sitting next to each other. i was sitting in the next seat along so was worried i was also gonna die… then my brother took that seat and died instead. so i was like there is definitely a curse. i was in the next seat along, and then one of my cousins. then came a fight where my cousin next to me turned to stone and then i died. turns out he could come back to life so the death seat thing continued. we levelled up to level 4 after my brother and i died in separate sessions in the same location. also my dad and brian died in the same location in separate session. so now theres multiple patterns - theres the “someone needs to die to level up” thing, and the death seat thing, and the two characters dying in the same location in separate sessions thing. w my cousin who got turned to stone, i keep on insisting he stays in the death seat bc either he dies (death seat) or he doesnt (he tricked death w the stone thing so is now immune), and if he doesnt die either it skips him and my uncle dies, or no one else dies ever. its very exciting haha. also w this campaign theres a map thing only the og characters can see and we’re joking how now only three characters left can see it and you can see how my cousin the dm is getting worried that we’ll all die haha. also the campaign is about how the og characters lord got sick and we need to find a cure, but once the og characters die then who cares about the random lord? itll be very funny haha

elenoa, tabaxi monk (tomb of annihilation). since i started at level 4 here, and matildas campaign got abandoned at level 4, it felt fitting to play a monk again. no mobile feat yet, but im playing the sun soul monk from xanathars which gives a radiant punch w a range of 30 ft so i dont need to get close to punch and then use mobile to run away. 

i havent even talked about where the names for each one came from….. maybe another time if asked……..

17: what is your favourite race?

idk actually. the only races ive ever played multiple times are humans, but altogether ive played longer as a dragonborn or gnome than human so like. theres not super much difference in the races in phb, like its just flavour. the new races and stuff have heaps extra stuff, but tabaxi is the only one of them ive ever played and only two sessions so far. i think humans are cool bc you get a feat at level 1 haha but other than that theres not really much difference in them yknow? races w darkvision make things easier too haha but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

thank you for these asks!!! it took so long to respond haha im gonna be late to uni now (bc still in pjs havent made lunch or brushed teeth or anything and if i wanna be on time i gotta leave in the next 15 minutes so maybe ill just…… skip this lecture lol idk haha

[actuallyadhd]

ADHD Awareness Month:

Due to numerous factors my ADHD wasn’t picked up until 20. My parents thought ADHD was kids (boys) bouncing off walls, they were shocked and kinda guilty they missed it when I told them about my diagnosis. A breakdown of my symptoms and what delayed my diagnosis: -Fidgeting. Idk why the fact that at 18 I couldn’t sit remotely still in a cinema wasn’t concerning to anyone. -Talkative and talking at a fast pace. People just assume I’m talkative, I don’t notice I’ve talked for too long. -Interrupt people when they speak. To be fair my entire family is awful for this. If there’s than three of us in a room and you don’t yell across someone no one will listen. -Refusal to make social plans without a lot of coaxing and help. I couldn’t verbalise that I had no idea how to pull everything together and the thought of trying scared me and it my Mam numerous “just text and ask if they’re free” and her telling me where to meet them and what time to get my weekend plans sorted. She had no idea planning issues can be ADHD. -Late to everything. My parents always ensured I was on time so my poor time keeping skills didn’t present until I was in my teens and weren’t an issue for school or work as my parents got me there on time! -Memory issues. My Dad has a weird memory so we assumed I was just like him and had a randomly selective memory that opts not to remember to bring my sports kit home or take my keys with me when I left the house. My parents formed a habit of verbally and visually confirming I had everything I needed for the day before I left the house. -Losing stuff due to forgetting where I put it. It was assumed I just lacked respect for my possessions. -Difficulty with verbal directions or instructions. Didn’t present until I started needing to walk places, my parents just used visual landmarks or drew maps. My driving instructor just gave up and assumed I’d take a wrong turn. Long verbal lists of tasks quickly became my parents asking me to do one task, waiting for me to do it and then asking me to do the next. -Daydreaming. I was just called creative. My doodling in school was seen as disinterested and rudeness. -Unable to sustain concentration in school/ on school work. I caught up on my work and always managed to meet deadlines. I aced class tests because I had less work to revise (normally just one topic) and it was fresh. My poor exams results were seen and nerves affecting performance as I was always studying. I didn’t notice how much faster other students did work thanks to no daydreaming and I didn’t notice how much I daydreamed. -Aversion of crowds and loud noises. Not necessarily ADHD but I can’t process crowds they overwhelm me and noises are very distracting for me and loud ones I just hate tbh, they hurt me more than they seem to hurt others. -General overwhelming. A list of five things for my brother to do right now= him whining but doing it. That list for me= internal panic, that’s not on my mental schedule for the day, how will I have time for my school work that will take half an hour and do these chores that take half an hour when there’s only five hours before bed-time. Basically I end up just stood there, trying to figure out which tasks to start on and if I can say I have homework and most importantly trying not to cry from confusing. -Forgetting to eat. Whenever my parents left me home-alone on a weekend it was only when they came home and asked if I wanted dinner that I realised I forgot lunch and probably hadn’t drunk much. But I didn’t say that I’d get a concerned lecture about eating disorders or responsibility depending on the day.

So, how did I end up diagnosed? I moved out for uni, overcompensated for my poor attention and burnt out repeatedly in my first year and started ruining my mental health. Summer came just at the right time. Then in second year, as my “pacing around my room in halls/ my house” became “going to bug my flatmates” it was finally evident how short my attention span was. My vocal stimming became more prominent (idk why) but I was still fidgety. Add to that my flatmates saying they don’t really daydream and us running the ‘experiment’ of me writing a list (during a lecture) of every unrelated thoughts or daydream I had and the fact I was always seen as “weird” with no one able to pin point why (I think it’s because my thoughts move faster so I make different and stranger conclusions faster and don’t stop myself making weird inputs to convo) and I hit up google. I’d consider ADHD before but now I was starting to believe it. I was managing, but struggling to keep my life on track. I was late to everything. Ate late because I forgot. Mixed up deadlines (but figured out early on I had the wrong date). Was always on the go just trying to stay afloat, I was still over-compensating my disorganisation by having an emotional attachment to my diary and still hated changes to my daily plans but I couldn’t find the extra time to make up for the fact our work was harder. Whilst most students saw their grades rise as they finally started to revise I saw mine fall as I was already at my coping limit and still spent more time daydreaming at my desk than working.

I knew I wouldn’t pass third year. I was at my limit and couldn’t fix my issues no matter how hard I tried. I just couldnt focus. Couldn’t get to bed on time or to lectures on time. All the issues I had growing up were suddenly impacting me because my parents weren’t there to help. I wasn’t close enough to my flatmates from first year for them to notice but it got picked up on in second year and the change of living environment allowed some issues (like leaving my chair and zoning out in conversation or lectures) to be more noticeable to me too.

If someone had noticed the combination of smaller issues and the work I put in to overcome them before uni…a lot of concern for my mental and physical health (and the reasons for those concerns) could have been avoided. And I could’ve grown up not thinking I wasn’t as smart as we thought I’d be and that I was actually pretty stupid and should work hard so I could keep passing but shouldn’t bother aspiring to achieve anything impressive. My uni course and career choice were made on those assumptions and I’m lucky I let myself risk applying for the course I thought would be too hard for me. Because it trains for an easy job I decided I could do (but one lecturer insists I’ll get too bored because it’s too easy and now I think that maybe he’s right- I can do more, I just need some help and there’s nothing wrong with that) but it allows gives really good openings to further training for the jobs I actually want. So I haven’t sabotaged myself just yet.

So yeah. I talk (and write) too much but this time it’s needed. ADHD awareness is needed. The stereotype needs to fade away. Because the route I had to take to be diagnosed at uni was painfully expensive and I’m lucky I survived academia this far without failing (like one cousin, also diagnosed at 20/21) or lasting mental health issues (like my other cousin, diagnosed at 18).