#this is the first non-posed outing i've done in a while

[thebramblewood]

Lu and Bonnie held a low-key bach party at The Oak Barrel. The attendees were mostly locals Bonnie's known since childhood, but Lu's friend, Lily Feng, was able to come in from the city. Lily wasn't sure about the "quaintness" of Chestnut Ridge's customs at first, but soon enough she was cowpoke dancing like a pro. Lu and Bonnie also made sure to sneak plenty of private moments together (thus defeating the entire purpose of a bach party).

Oh, yeah. Horse girl Lilith showed up too but promptly stormed off when she realized she wasn't the star of this particular show.

[renjunphile]

for the rest of ours ᡣ𐭩 song eunseok

୨♡୧ WORD COUNT: 13.4k ୨♡୧ PAIRING: riize's song eunseok x female!reader ୨♡୧ TAGS & WARNINGS: chaebol heirs!au, rich kids!au, one sided enemies to lovers!au, arranged marriage!au, angsty at the start, overall fluff, reader is selfish and mean to eunseok for a good chunk of the story, brief unrequited love but y/n is an unreliable narrator tbh, second chance romance, she fell first but he fell harder trope, drinking, partying, non linear narrative

୨♡୧ SYNOPSIS: you find song eunseok to be utterly and despicably insufferable. too bad he's your fiancé since birth! and there was nothing you could do about it!

୨♡୧ NOTES: OHHHH im having such an intense eunseok rot that i had to write the most gut wrenching and nonsensical piece that becomes to sickeningly fluffy at the end. theyre just so in love with each other and there's literally no plot at all!!!!!!!!!!! lowkey one of the worst pieces i've written in recent times since i rushed it but i will edit and add scenes and plot in the future :> but for now, enjoy! ♡ i.b let my by zayn at the end :)

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

It may be disturbing for some and horrifying to say, but your eyes hadn't even fully formed in the womb to open and your limbs weren't even well defined enough to have joints when your life was signed off to another's. For goodness' sake, it had barely even been a month since your tiny, minuscule heart started beating! What would the Song's have done if you grew up ugly?

You sighed to yourself, muttering under your breath how Korea's third richest family should be grateful you were akin to art in anyone's eyes. You were looking through the dusty photo albums that the housekeeper found while tidying the primary study of the mansion, and you grimaced at the photos of your fiancé that appeared from even the very first page.

It was bad enough that you were engaged before you were born, but did he really have to attend your birth? He probably didn't even have memories then! But there it was, under your fingertips: a perfectly preserved photo of a 3-month old Eunseok bundled up in sleep suit being posed next to where the nurses placed you after they literally just took you out of your mother. You don't even think the umbilical cord had been cut yet.

"Y/N, Mr. Song is outside," your favourite housekeeper coos at you from the double doors going into the study. You give her a terse smile and stand up from your father's office chair, straightening your silk gown before taking her hand as she helped you down the marble stairs of your home.

You roll your eyes (mostly to yourself, but you didn't mind if he noticed) as you saw his car parked at the bottom of the stairs leading to your front door.

"You can't even be bothered to come and collect me? Or open the door for me?" you sneer as soon as you settled yourself into the passenger seat.

"Well hello to you too, my lovely wife," Eunseok smirks, immediately revving and setting off around the fountain of your courtyard.

"I'm not your wife," you snap, deciding to ignore when the word 'yet' seems to slip under his breath, "But seriously Eunseok? This car? I'm going to look so stupid trying to get out of this car in my dress and heels. Why do you love sitting on the floor so much?"

Eunseok has an extensive car range. One that any car junkie would envy, but Song Eunseok knew nothing about cars. He just had them because he could. This car was a sports car where you had to sit in such a ridiculous position just so the car could look cool on the outside.

"It's white!" he defends himself, slightly whining in a cute way to which you swallow down a positive reaction. His eyes flicker over to you momentarily and his tongue traces across his bottom lip, "You look gorgeous, by the way. Very bridal."

You're wearing a white silk dress that looks like it's made for your body. It's draped so beautifully around your hips and hugs every part that needs to be accentuated. You loved this dress the second you saw it in Paris, but you never thought then that it would be used for this occasion. 

"Just shut up and drive," you quip. It takes a few moments of silence for you to feel bad even though his expression remains neutral and you sigh, "I guess you don't look too bad."

"Aw, I knew you were in love with me!" he teases again, a phrase he liked to use every time you said something to him that wasn't snarky, sarcastic or an insult.

You choose not to reply, instead taking in the bright lights of Seoul as he pulls into a main road. You haven't been back in a while, holing yourself up in your penthouse in Manhattan, but you always loved the sight of home.

"But seriously, Y/N," Eunseok coughs to get your attention, his voice dropping down low and suddenly serious, "This actually might be your last chance to back out of this. Just say the word and I'll turn this car around and take you straight to Incheon and you can run away around the world long enough until they find me a new bride."

You turn to look at him, perplexed by his words, "And you? You actually want to get hitched off to some random?"

Eunseok shrugs, not meeting your eyes, "You're not some random. I've known you since you were born. I've known you'd be my wife since the day I could understand what that meant. But if I have to find a replacement because you don't want to do it anymore, I will."

"Gee, ever the gentleman," you deadpan, "I think want is a pretty strong word. I don't want to marry you, but I guess I will."

"You're not backing out? Not leaving me looking stupid up on the altar?" Eunseok taps his finger on the leather steering wheel.

You think about his words sincerely. There's really nothing more in the world that you'd love than to run away to a small little town on the southern coast of Italy- somewhere quaint and quiet where you'd find love and spend the rest of your days cooking, cleaning, baking and finding peace in the ocean. There's nothing more in the world that you want more than for someone to ask to marry you because they were in love with your soul and not having you by their side would be like torture in the cruelest form.

Alas, you're Kang Y/N of the powerful Kang family, the eldest child of your father and the next heir waiting to take over the conglomerate. And because you're Kang Y/N, the eldest daughter of the second richest family in Korea, you were contracted to marry the first son of the third richest family in Korea. After that, your companies would merge and you would overtake the Kim's as the sole ruler of the country.

"It's my duty," you swallow nervously as you begin to recognise the streets of where you were driving, signalling that you were soon approaching the venue, "It's fine, Eunseok."

"I wish it wasn't just fine. I wish this was what you wanted." he breathes out and your heart stops beating for a second before anger seeps in through the cracks of your heart.

"Do you think it's any girl's dream to marry someone that doesn't love them?"

Eunseok sighs as he presses on the breaks, moving through the lifted barrier where they had closed a portion of the street in anticipation for his car and your arrival. He twists his body to look at you, "Y/N-"

"It's fine, Eunseok," you grit your teeth as you repeat your words, eyes trained on the paparazzi camped out on the steps of the venue, eager to get a glimpse of you, "Let's just get this engagement party over with."

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

Song Eunseok had to follow you around the world like a lost puppy.

When you said that you wanted to go to that boarding school in Switzerland where only the richest sent their kids, Eunseok was in the seat next to you on that first class flight. When you said that you were going to Oxford to study for your undergraduate degree, Eunseok was tossing away his dream to study at Harvard to join you getting drunk at 18 under the grey British sky. When you said that you wanted to do your masters at Columbia so you could live in New York City, Eunseok was moving into the apartment across yours while he worked at the company his dad created in New York just for him to have something to do there.

If you said jump, Eunseok had to say how high?

That was just the name of the game considering the Song's had more to gain from this arrangement. Your family was richer. Your family was in a greater range of industries. Your family's money went back a lot further than the Song's. And you- you were the most stunning woman in Eunseok's eyes and because of him, you were stripped of your choice to fall in love. That's why the Song family gave you princess treatment from the second you were able to demand things. 

You had protested until your vocal cords went raw when they found out that they were sending Eunseok to university with you. For years up until you turned 18, you had imagined finally getting away from Eunseok for once, even if just for 3 years. He had always talked about Harvard and with the grades to boot, you thought that you'd finally have an ocean separating you.

It certainly wasn't an easy fight at the airport as you threatened to drop out of university the second that you even stepped foot into the new country. All your father did was bat his eyelashes and give you a heartfelt, "Please, princess? Just do this for us."

The phrase 'just do this for us' nearly knocked you sick nowadays after over 2 decades of hearing it spew out of your father's mouth. Ultimately, yes, you were lucky to have such a loving family that never pushed anything evil or truly despicable onto you. This was the one thing they needed from you. They obliged every want and wish for the trade-off of giving your hand in marriage to the Song's first born son.

In June of your third year of university, a couple months out from your graduation, Eunseok turned up at your door completely drunk.

"What are you doing here?" your arms were crossed tightly, trying to cover as much of yourself as possible as you were clad in the smallest pyjamas for the British summer heat.

He grinned goofily up at you, eyes lazily fluttering open and closed, "Hi, Y/N. I'm drunk." He was leaning against the doorway, nearly making out with the frame.

"I can see that," you sniffed the air and grimaced, "And smell it. But what are you doing here?"

"Can't I visit my lovely fiancée on her 21st birthday?" he batted his long eyelashes sweetly at you, taking one step into the apartment. You gazed at him hesitantly, taking one step back.

"I don't think anyone would appreciate their fiancé turning up on their doorstep piss drunk at 2am," you spat, "If you truly wanted to wish me a happy birthday, you would have left me alone."

"I lost my keys," Eunseok groaned, "I didn't know where else to go."

It should be sweet that out of all the places he could have chosen to go to in the city, he went to yours. Instead, it made you feel angrier.

"Eunseok, stop bothering me," your words contrasted your actions as you pulled him into your apartment and locked the door behind him, "Go sleep in the spare bedroom and leave as soon as you wake up. I'm going out for breakfast with my friends tomorrow so lock the door behind you and keep the key with you 'til you see me next." You pulled the spare key out of the drawer and placed it in his pocket.

Like a pathetic dog, Eunseok followed behind you as you led him through the apartment your parents had bought for you.

"Can I sleep with you?" he murmured.

"In your dreams, Song," you retorted, stopping in front of the spare room door, "Plus, you stink like shit."

"Ah, it's okay," he sighed dreamily, resting his head against the door, "We have the rest of forever to sleep beside each other."

You let out a frustrated screech, shoving his chest, "Can you let me live in peace? Why do you have to keep reminding me?"

"In the hopes that one day the thought of it won't make you sick or angry," he replied, opening the door of the room.

Your strong gaze faltered, "What are you- in love with me?"

"No," Eunseok shook his head, "I could learn to though, if you wanted me to."

"The only thing I want from you is to be far away from me," you ran your hands through your hair to soothe yourself, "And even that you can't do."

"I'm sorry, Y/N. Thanks for letting me stay," Eunseok gave up on his tyranny and dropped his voice, "Happy birthday."

You muster up a near half-smile, turning to return to your bed where you'd be tossing and turning until your alarm went off, "Goodnight Eunseok."

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

The worst thing about your arrangement with Eunseok was that it was kept secret.

Of course, it was an open secret in your families and to the company- and there were always rumours about it since you two ended up always together around the world. But it wasn't like it was announced to the world at any point to protect the prospective merger happening when you and Eunseok came of age.

That made relationships very hard indeed. It always had to end in heartbreak, at least for the other person.

The two of you agreed that you could see other people if you wanted to, and you agreed on this the same day you had your very first heartbreak.

"Eunseok, can we talk?" you poked his side to catch his attention. Eunseok was bouncing his basketball up and down while he spoke with his friends just outside the school courts. It had been 2 months since you moved back to Korea after spending 3 years in Switzerland at boarding school, where you quickly became homesick. Eunseok followed you home immediately.

Your fiancé bid his friends goodbye and gave you a sweet smile, "Yeah of course. What's up?"

You led him to the adjacent square that was thankfully deserted and settled just under the bloomed cherry blossom tree in the middle, "Um."

Eunseok giggled at your hesitancy and pushed your hair behind your ear, "What is it?"

16 year old you blushed terrifically at that moment, highlighting your plump cheeks and shining eyes as Eunseok peered down at you.

"I know this is um, pretty stupid," you began, breaking his stare and looking down at your Prada loafers, "Well basically, my friend Jimin- you know Jimin?- she told me to-"

"Just say it, Y/N."

"I like you?"

It came out more of a question as you quirked your eyebrow up at your fiancé.

His eyes went wide, taking in a deep breath, "Y/N. You," he paused, "You like me?"

"Yeah," you exhaled, "Is that so bad? We're going to get married someday."

Eunseok looked around and noticed his friends turning the corner to the courtyard, presumably to look for him, "Look, Y/N, I'm sorry but I thought we were going to, you know, try experience life like how others do and meet people and do whatever we want to until they tell us we need to get married. I didn't think we were obliged to date."

Your eyes began to water and your lips began to quiver as sheer embarrassment sunk into your bones, "So what? You want to date around?"

Eunseok reached out to cup your face but you quickly took a step back, feeling humiliated and slightly bettayed, "I'm sorry Y/N. I didn't know you felt like this towards me. Look, can we talk later? I'll swing by your house after basketball practice, okay?"

From the ages of 0-16, you would say that you and Eunseok were close childhood friends. Even though you had no concept of marriage or love, your parents had forced the two of you to be together through every occasion with weekly play dates and attending the same schools. When you finally understood what being engaged to each other meant at around 12 years old, it made you swoon that you were going to spend the rest of your life with your best friend, who you'd always found endearingly cute. He became more handsome as the years went by and at 16, he was the object of all of your desires.

He was manly, he was protective, he was sporty and most of all, he treated you so well. He would run around town with you no question to go shopping and indulge you in all of your cravings even if you needed to have ice cream at 10pm in the dead of winter. He would take the train with you all around Switzerland to see different lakes and ski resorts. He would help you study in the library and pass you your favourite snacks whenever it seemed you were getting tired. He would give you his jacket on the breezy nights watching the local sports matches.

You were so blinded with your affection towards him that you had convinced yourself that he did those things because he liked you back. Because he wanted to treat his future wife well.

The day Eunseok stamped all over your little heart was the day you waged a one-sided war against him. Eventually, Eunseok began reciprocating your snarky attitude and the rest had been history.

You told your maids and house security to refuse entry to the grounds to Eunseok that night, but because of your parents' unconditional offer to Eunseok to make your house also his home, he had spent a good part of the night on the other side of your bedroom door trying to get you to open it so he could apologise. For a man you were once smitten for, it was easy to put on your headphones and drown him out until he got exhausted and left.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

Eunseok opens the car door for you and offers out his hand. In the darkness of his car, you grimace slightly, but force yourself to take his hand and use your free hand to smooth your dress out as you exit the car. The flashes from the press are blinding and carry on all the way up to the bottom of the staircase leading into the venue your parents had hired for the evening.

You try to keep a pleasant smile on your face as Eunseok passes his keys to the valet men before wrapping his arms around your waist. It comes nearly naturally to him, from all the photos your parents had made you pose together in dating back a decade or two. But it's your first official public appearance together, so the flashes intensify and you're taken aback. Eunseok feels you stumble slightly and begins to lead you along the carpet rolled out up to the stairs.

There's shouting from every direction- asking where your dress was from, asking if you were dating, asking why you were with the 'rival' company's son all the time- nothing new to you. After you traverse up the stairs, the two of you turn around and give a small wave at the cameras. You feel Eunseok drop his head down to yours, so you nestle yourself into him a bit more. How sweet, you thought to yourself, pushing down the urge to throw up at all this fakeness.

"Last chance to run," Eunseok murmurs as the doorman opens the glass doors into the foyer.

"Are you begging me to?" you counter, "Why do you keep insisting I back out?"

"I'm not. I just feel guilty, so I'll make up a solution if you want to stop all of this," he whispers into your ear. To others, it's an endearing moment as you keep your face neutral.

"It is all your fault. You should feel guilty. I'm not doing this for you or your family, but for my family. If this is what they want, then I'll oblige," you nod your head firmly.

While Eunseok's family was definitely benefiting more from the merger, it did come with some advantages for your family too: less competition in the market, combined success superseding the current top conglomerate, and for your parents: the knowledge that their first born child was going to have someone that was born to and raised from a good and rich family- someone that would be able to take care of you no matter what and understand your life in a way no other civilian could.

You know that your parents' argument for you to marry this guy was weak- there were plenty of good, rich guys from other companies- but you had been happy with the arrangement at the start and by the time you were 16 and he was breaking your heart, the companies had already started slowly merging or putting the plans into place. It was honestly a shame to your parents that other than rejecting you, Eunseok really had no faults. He was always polite, always courteous and intelligent enough to take over the conglomerate with you when the time would come.

Eunseok drops his arm from your waist, instead sliding his finger between yours.

"Miss. Y/L/N, Mr. Song," your family's general assistant approaches you in the foyer with a tight smile, "The event is about to begin. Please follow me to the stage. Are your speeches prepared?"

"Mhm," you hum, tugging Eunseok with you behind your assistant, "The rest of the family are here?"

"Yes. They're waiting by the stage," she replies as nerves finally settle into your stomach. You suddenly can't even look at Eunseok anymore as the gravity of the situation clicks into your mind. After this, you were going to be officially engaged in front of the world and you were going to be his bride in no less than a year from now. There was no turning back anymore.

Eunseok has to shoot you a look to stop you shaking on the stage as your father and his begin their speeches about their company, and the new era and blah, blah, blah. You tune them out in order to focus on your breathing and make sure you don't barf the second you step up to the podium. After minutes of nonsense, you feel Eunseok place his hand on the small of your back, signalling you to take to the stand.

"Um," you began, suddenly losing all the lessons you had learned in your public speaking classes growing up, "Thank you all for joining us on this occassion. As my father said, we are transitioning into a new era of our company and as I take on the role of COO, we believe it's important to have good people by your side to support you. While my family and the Songs are joining together in business, we are also joining together in family," you look over at Eunseok, who gives you a reassuring nod, "Song Eunseok and I are to be wed in one year's time. We have been close friends and partners since we were born and I couldn't imagine anyone better suited to be by my side. We can go into this business partnership fully trusting each other and our companies and we would be grateful if you could give us your support. Thank you."

You step away from the podiums as gasps ring through the crowd. The business venture was nearly an open secret in the industry, but your relationship with Eunseok was based on rumours only, having never confirmed it. Now that you have, it would stir up all these new rumours- were you only getting married for the merger? Did you two actually love each other? What about all the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes that had been conniving to get even a bit of your or Eunseok's time to beg for your hand in marriage?

Eunseok takes his place beside you, wrapping his arm around your waist again as your families smile together for the pictures. The engagement party also doubled as a celebration for the merger, so at least all of the spotlight wasn't on you.

You're glad that your friends are here. They're all business heirs too, since like attracted like at your school. Your best friend Minjeong attacks you with a hug the second you step down from the stage.

"Ah, my best friend is getting married," she sighs dreamily into your ear, "You know what, Y/N, at least he's handsome. It's harder to hate someone when they look that good."

"Then you marry him," you chide, half-joking, "The problem has never been his looks. It's the situation."

"He doesn't hate you half as much as you hate him," Minjeong tuts, "And he's in the same situation. He never got a choice either."

You know deep down that she's right, but you're committed to making his life hell until the ends of the earth for breaking your heart. If anyone could say anything about you, it was that you could hold a grudge.

"Whose side are you on?" you prod her arm, but she rolls her eyes and links arms with you to join Eunseok and his friends.

"Happy engagement, lovebirds," Sungchan greets you with two kisses on your cheeks, "So excited to be at your wedding."

"I'm sitting you at the back," you retort, sticking your tongue out. You hated that Eunseok's friends were genuinely nice and funny people. It was so hard to distance yourself from Eunseok when your friendship groups had been deeply intertwined since you all could walk.

"Not when I'm a groomsman, right Eunseok-ie?" Sungchan swings his arm around his friend's shoulder, pulling him close, "Now tell me, who's the best man?"

Eunseok shoves his arm off, "You can just draw straws for it."

"I'll be the best man, hyung," Seunghan grins cheekily, "I'll make sure to give a really good speech, okay?"

"It's almost as if it's a real wedding," you smile bitterly, "Jeong, you'll be my maid of honour right?"

"You have to ask me properly," Minjeong whines, "We're going to do this wedding right, okay? My best friend will only get married once. I'm not letting you let your wedding planner do everything; we've been planning our dream weddings since we were 10 so we'll do it according to that."

"C'mon Y/N," Wonbin bumps his shoulder with yours, "We can make it fun. We know you'd rather not marry hyung, but he had always been the groom in all the weddings you'd plan when you were young. Now it's like a dream come true."

"Yah, Park Wonbin," Eunseok grits his teeth at his friend for bringing up the past. You wince at the reminder as Minjeong slaps his arm.

"Y/N, I think your mother is calling over you and Eunseok to dance," Shotaro calls for you softly, and you turn around to see your mother desperately signalling to you to join her on the dance floor.

"I'll see you guys later," you bid your friends a goodbye as you follow Eunseok into the crowd.

The night crawls by. It's nearly painful as you fake a smile with every passerby and acquaintance who congratulates you for your engagement. It feels like you're getting stabbed in the heart over and over again as everyone coos over how in love the two of you seem and how they always knew you were going to end up together. It crushes you as Eunseok leans down to your ear while you dance, apologising for how this was your life.

You get into his car after the party. The ride home is silent, apart from the noise of the city around you that seeps in even through the rolled up windows. Eunseok won't even dare breathe too loud in fear of making your life even less like what you had dreamed it to be.

He pulls up to your house and you make a quick move to unbuckle your seatbelt and open the door in one motion, but Eunseok wraps his hand around your wrist gently, bringing you back down.

"What is it now, Song?" you sigh in frustration, closing your eyes in defeat.

"I know this night has made your hatred for me 10 times worse," Eunseok begins, shuffling in his seat to reach into his inside pocket, "And I know that what we have isn't real to you, but I thought you at least deserved this."

Your eyes flutter open and you look over to him. He uncurls his clenched hand, unveiling a shiny ring in the middle of his palm. You bite back the gasp that bubbles up through your throat, and you reluctantly take the ring between your fingers without looking at him.

It's exactly your dream ring. It's what you imagined the love of your life to propose with when you were younger. It's what you wanted to be someone's physical manifestation of their love and devotion to you. That makes it all the worse when it comes from Eunseok.

"I remembered," Eunseok reads your mind, "When we went ring shopping when we were young for fun because you wanted to make sure I would propose with the right ring. I hope it's still what you want."

You can't bear to look at Eunseok at all, so you clench the ring in your hand and open the door, "Goodnight Eunseok. Thank you. Get home safely."

There's 100 steps between your front door and your bedroom. It takes what's left of your energy to hold back the sobs that threaten to escape prematurely. As soon as your bedroom door clicks shut, you collapse against your floor and break down in tears.

Why did Song Eunseok have to be such a good man? Why did you have to hate him? He was yours now, and that was what younger you wanted all along. Why were you taking it out on him? You had been holding onto a grudge for so long and he had been trying to make amends in private ever since, despite going along with your whole enemies thing for his own fun.

You hated how you knew that Song Eunseok could and would give you the life you wanted. You hated how all you wanted to do was love him like it was your choice and for him to love you back like it was his. But in this world, you were privileged enough to have everything you ever wanted, aside from the choice to love whoever you wanted to.

You hated how you didn't even have a choice in loving someone who didn't love you back.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

You fought with Eunseok nearly every time that you saw him through your university years. You found problems in the way he positioned himself too close to you and problems in the way he would distance himself and act like strangers when you did complain about that. You found problems in the way he didn't talk to other girls despite rejecting you and found problems when he would go on dates after you said that.

In short, Song Eunseok was a problem to you.

Yizhuo was forcing shots into your hands and demanding that you downed them with her as you tried to tune back in to the party going on around you. You couldn't think of anything else the second that Song Eunseok walked through the door arm in arm with some girl.

It was the last party of your undergraduate university days, since exams had finished and you were going to graduate in just a couple of weeks. Someone had rented out some kind of manor in the outskirts of Oxford, dedicated for everyone to stay at and party for a weekend. You knew the organiser through a friend of a friend, but everyone that had been invited was someone you either knew personally or knew of. The spoilt brats community at your university was large, but tight.

You obliged Yizhuo's request and bitterly downed the drink, hissing as it burned through your tracts, "What is this? It tastes disgusting."

"Alcohol isn't made to taste nice," she tutted at you, following your line of sight before sighing, "I guess it's time to get you more so you don't have to be sober looking at that."

Minjeong shook her head on the other side of you, "I can't believe he would bring someone here. He knew you'd be here. So disrespectful."

You saw that Eunseok was about to turn, so you quickly spin away in order to avoid eye contact, "It doesn't matter to me. We're not dating."

"But he's your fiancé," Yizhuo stomped in defiance, "He should have some respect for you."

"Since he didn't want to date me, i'd rather him date other people. Then it just looks like he rejected me because he didn't like me as a person," you affirmed, taking another shot with Minjeong.

"Y/N, please. You were 16 when you confessed and 16 year old boys don't have the most mature outlook on life," Minjeong argued, coughing after the bitter shot, "I'm sure he's not stupid anymore. You grew up hot and he's practically tripping over his own feet trying to chase after you."

"He's not chasing me," you scoffed, "He brought a girl here."

"Oh, you're impossible, Y/N," Yizhuo cried out, beginning to slur, "What do you actually want that poor boy to do? Even I would be confused with the way you act."

Your best friends have been trying to knock sense into you since you turned 18 and Eunseok gave up his dream to study at Harvard to be with you in England. They had claimed that Eunseok realised his feelings for you and wanted to make up for rejecting you. You claimed that if that was his intention, he would have told you that by now instead of pestering you by inserting himself into your new life without reason.

"He can do whatever he wants," you turned your nose up, "I don't care about him."

"Well you better act that way. He's coming," Minjeong warned you, suddenly disappearing with Yizhuo and leaving you stranded with your fiancé walking towards you.

It honestly felt like the grim reaper floating over in slow motion before he came to collect your soul. You fought hard to control the grimace on your face as he stopped in front of you.

"Y/N," he greeted softly, leaning in to give you a hug. You stood still, but you don't push him away. You ignored the way your heart skipped a beat when he pressed his cheek gently against the top of your head.

"Eunseok,"

"How were exams? You're graduating this year, right?" his head is tilted at you, eyes focused into yours.

"Why are you even asking? I'm sure you know my plans for the next 10 years considering you're still following me around," you scoffed, "Does your new girl know you're moving to New York after graduation so you can stalk me while I do my masters?"

"Are you jealous?" he smirked suddenly, gentle demeanour disappearing, "She's just a friend."

"Does she know that? I don't care what you do, Song. I just feel bad for the poor girl whose heart you're going to break when you tell her you're engaged," you feigned nonchalance, pouring yourself another shot, "I guess it's my fault for telling you to have your fun and experience things since apparently you'll be so devoid of love when you get married."

"Y/N," he trailed off, grabbing the soju bottle that had appeared in your hands, "You know it's not like that. I didn't mean it like that when I reject-"

"Save it, Song," you rolled your eyes, "Your girl is coming. Don't go blaming me when time comes to break her heart."

You turned away in time and managed to snatch back your alcohol before arms wrap around Eunseok's and a high pitch voice squeals to him about how she lost him. You find Sungchan somewhere in the crowd and convince him to call you a taxi to take you back into the town where your apartment was. Before he could even confirm the booking, you had already disappeared into the crowd, the shots you had taken truly seeping into your blood and making your head spin.

You don't really remember what happened the rest of that night, but if you try hard enough, you can remember being tucked into a bed on the third floor, big eyes peering down at you as you tossed under the duvet, a hunched figure sat at the end of the bed on the floor and a soft voice singing you to a deep slumber.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

"It's gorgeous, darling," your mother's voice takes you out of the focus mode you're in. The sunlight seeps through the stained glass, illuminating the sunroom at the back of your house. If you look down through the windows, you'd find the garden that your mother has been cultivating for decades. The rose garden with its arches and its vines was where you'd dreamed to get proposed to when you were young.

"You think so?" you showed her the sketch in full, turning the pad, "Do you think it's easy enough to create in real life?"

"We can make anything you want happen," your mother takes a seat in the lounge chair next to yours.

"Can you make Eunseok love me back?" you hum dejectedly, shading in the corset of what would be your wedding dress.

"He does, sweetheart. You just refuse to see it," your mother swiftly utters, and you stop your drawing, clenching the pencil tightly in your fist.

"Why does everyone say that?" you growl, "Everyone but Eunseok."

"Because you act like you hate him. You act like marrying him is the worst thing in the world. You act like there's nothing he could say or do that would bring him back into your favour despite you loving him all these years," your mother is lecturing you now, "He follows your lead, my darling. He will go to the ends of the earth for you and he always has. What more does he have to do for you to accept the way he shows his love? What more can he do to have your forgiveness?"

There's tears welling up in your eyes and your mother takes the drawing pad away from you to examine the dress you had envisioned. She carries on while you chew your lip and fight back the tears.

"You're going to be beautiful in this dress. One year's time will fly by, so make amends with Eunseok by then. Even if you don't go into this marriage as lovers, at least go into it as friends. That will make your life easier."

"I don't want to be friends," you grit out.

"Mhm, you want all or nothing. Why don't you ask him, then? He threw the ball in your court when he asked you if this marriage is what you want. Someone who doesn't love you or care about you wouldn't give you the option to run away to save yourself, you know?" you hate how insightful your mother is as she grabs your left hand, "This ring is beautiful, Y/N. He knows your heart like it's his."

"Cause it is his," you choke as the tears begin falling, "And he stamped all over it 8 years ago."

"He was just a young boy back then. He's followed you all over the world to be by your side ever since. He's sacrificed his own life to make your dreams come true. You have no choice but to marry each other, but he's been making choices to give you the life you wanted," she strokes your hair gently, "Can you give the boy a chance?"

Over the years, your parents had apologised to you for putting you in such a situation. They had told you that if you truly, inside your heart, didn't want to get married to Song Eunseok, they would call the whole thing off. The marriage was a way to ensure the merger wouldn't go awry by putting you and Eunseok as collateral if one side ever did try to betray the other. Tying the two of you together in marriage was a way to prevent either families from ruining the other.

You considered putting a stop to things more times than you could count on your fingers, but selfishly, you would imagine yourself on a rocking chair on a porch, hair grey and skin wrinkly and when you would look over to see who would be on the other chair, Eunseok was the only one you could imagine with you.

"But I've treated him so horribly all these years," you hiccup, trying to stop your crying, "There's no way that Eunseok would love someone like me."

"Because you won't let him," she stands up and places the drawing pad back in your lap, "Y/N, your father and I love you very much and all we want is your happiness. We haven't opposed this marriage despite how hard you've tried to push Eunseok away because we know that if you let him, he would make you truly happy. You're the only person stopping that happiness."

You ponder on her words for a while after she leaves, adding little details to your dress. For someone who was acting like this wedding was going to ruin their life, you sure were investing a lot of your free time into it. Maybe Minjeong had gotten into your head; unless you planned to divorce Eunseok (after the 5 year clause, per the contract), you were only going to get married once, so you should at least do it in your style.

Wonbin was right at your engagement party. You'd been planning your wedding since young. You knew exactly which flowers you wanted to adorn the aisle, which flavour of cake you wanted to eat, which song was going to play while you walked down the aisle, and whose eyes you wanted on you on the other side as you did. Eunseok had always been your dream man- he was your first crush, your first love and your first heartbreak all rolled up into one devastatingly handsome package. You imagined him in his crisp suit, laughing through his tears because you just looked so beautiful, and the thought of that takes you out of your fantasy and back into the room that was filled not with tears of happiness, but of silence.

You look down at the ring. The sun is hitting it perfectly, making the diamond shimmer in the beam. You slide it off and inspect the band for the first time, wondering what size he got since you didn't even know your size. Your heart stops when you first notice it. It's so small that if you blinked at that moment, you probably wouldn't have even noticed it and you would've lived the rest of your life not knowing it was there.

You run your nail against the engraving, your breath hitched as you read it.

To the one I'll always choose.

It's always been about choice. This whole time, it's been about your freedom to choose.

You and Eunseok weren't born with the privilege of choosing the one who was going to love you so hard that it would drive you crazy. You were instead born with a silver spoon in your mouth and a signed contract that because your family was going to have a girl first, that girl would be married to the Song's first born when the time came.

There was no question or argument about it. You grew up beside Eunseok knowing you were going to spend the rest of your life together, so you chose to learn everything about him. You chose to learn that he loved playing basketball with his friends and that he became silly and unserious when around them. You chose to learn that he doted on his much younger baby brother and that he would fight anyone and anything that could bring harm to him. You chose to learn that Eunseok had a soft heart that had its very own soft spot reserved just for you- one that grew bigger after your hatred for him did as well.

While you chose to hate Eunseok for rejecting you, he chose to stick by your side anyways. He chose to join you in Oxford, even if most of his friends went to America to study. He chose to live at the block just down the street from yours, so he could walk behind you to lectures and check that you were okay every day without overwhelming you. He chose to sleep on hard floors and wake up with kinks in his neck because he chose to sing you to sleep while you were drunk and then refused to leave to sleep in a nice bed so he could watch over you and protect you in your state. He chose to take on a job in New York for two years instead of joining his father's company straight out of business school so that you had someone to accompany you on your midnight walks through New York City. He chose to give you the choice to leave if marrying him was truly a burden you couldn't bear, because your happiness was the grand reward of the consequences that he would bear in your place.

When you chose to hate him, Eunseok let love grow in the emptiness that you left behind instead. He would choose you a million times over and over again until the day you'd finally see it. Your hatred for the situation stemmed from the fact that you thought your choices were stripped away in being arranged to marry. You wanted Eunseok to love you not because he had to, but because it was his choice to.

You were too blind by your rage to see that Eunseok had been choosing you over and over again not because of the arrangement, but in spite of it. That was the greatest love of them all.

-

On the next sunny day, Eunseok joins you on the bench in the middle of the rose garden. You'd been sketching up ideas on how you want the aisle to look like. You were thinking light flowers along the bottom with candles dispersed to illuminate it. In your dreams, you'd get married at sunset in a glass pavilion that could hold only your closest friends and families. As the sun started dipping, the candles would take over as the source of light and bathe everyone in a soft, golden glow. In your dreams, the light would reflect onto Eunseok's face, highlighting his sharp cheekbones and large, round eyes that were peering down into yours.

"What did you call me over for?" Eunseok sits on his hands and looks around. It's spring time and the garden is at its most vibrant and beautiful.

You hold out your hand in front of you, "I found the engraving on the ring."

Eunseok takes a sharp breath in, "Ah you did?"

"Did you not want me to see it?"

"I had just hoped that whenever you did see it, you would believe it," Eunseok whispered, "It's true, by the way."

"I know," your response has Eunseok turning his head so fast it almost gives him whiplash.

"You do?"

"Mhm. You chose to follow me around the world despite me hating you and you having to give up on your dream schools just so you could try to prove yourself to me. You chose to keep giving me gifts on birthdays when we were abroad since my family often couldn't make it. You always choose me. Why?"

"In part to make amends for the mistake I made when I was young pushing away your feelings like that without thought," Eunseok explained, "But for the most part because I care about you and I want to make the best of a bad situation we're in. I know that no one wants to be in an arranged marriage. I just wanted to show you that I could give you the life you wanted. That you could be happy with me."

Your heart aches at his words as you realise how truly misguided your perception of him was. You had thought that he was following you around to torment you and to remind you that you could never be free, but all this time, he was letting you live your dreams and staying by your side to show that he was supporting you.

"I've treated you so badly over the years and you still want to marry me?" you meet his eyes that have been trained on you since the moment he sat down.

Eunseok giggles and reaches up his warm palm to your cold face, "Hm, your words are harmless Y/N. You've shown your affection to me in other ways; I know you love me."

You roll your eyes and push his hand away, "In your dreams, Song."

"Mhm, actually in your dreams," Eunseok teases, "Considering you've been dreaming about marrying me for 10 years."

"And I don't know why. I must be sick in the head for that. Did you hit me in the head when we were young or something?" you retort, trying to move away from him.

Eunseok lets out a full-bodied laugh that sends butterflies through you instead of the burning rage that usually ensued whenever he was having fun in front of you. He stretched his arm around you behind the bench and pulled you closer to him, "Just admit it, Y/N. Everyone knows you've had a fat crush on me since we were teens and it's only ever grown. There's a very, very fine line between love and hate."

"I still hate you," you grumble, "This doesn't mean anything."

Eunseok drops his head down, pushing your head into his shoulder. Your first instinct is to recoil away and grimace, but Eunseok's grip on your shoulder is tight, so you try to relax in his hold.

"You'll always be my girl, Y/N. You just have to accept that."

You hum and watch the bees buzz around the rose garden, "I've always wanted the whole ordeal- the crushing, the pining, the courting, going on dates, having your firsts, moving in together, proposing how you want. I feel like that was taken away from me before I even knew what they were and even if we do those things, how would I know what's real and what's fake? What you're doing because of me and what you're doing because of the arrangement- that kind of stuff."

Eunseok's heartbeat is slow and strong, "The arrangement only brought us to each other. How can I make you believe that everything I do for you is because I want to?"

"How about we start with when you rejected me and left poor little 16 year old me heartbroken?"

Eunseok scoffs, "Y/N, I was stupid, okay? It was a mistake, I was young and I was too blind to see what was in front of me. You were still special to me back then and I have always cared for you, but I didn't know what I wanted back then. I grew up and haven't looked back since."

"And the girls you brought around at university?"

"Because you were demanding that I dated other people," Eunseok rolls his eyes, thinking about your past explosive arguments about relationships, "I just went on dates here and there, but never anything serious. I always let them know that I couldn't commit, but you know there was a line wrapping around Oxford wanting to date me."

You chuckle at that. Everyone was falling over their feet for the chance to get just a second of Song Eunseok's time, the same way he was doing to you. He was incredibly popular and girls would approach you to ask you to set them up, but you would always growl and send them on their way.

"You were only the most eligible bachelor because you're the son of the third richest family in Korea," you sneer, jokingly.

"And I'm handsome, charming, intelligent and kind," Eunseok lists off his traits on his fingers, "But everyone knows you've always had my heart."

"I don't know if I can believe that."

He shrugs simply beside you, "Doesn't matter. I can show you now."

"What?"

"We can date from now on. I'll show you how I feel. Then in one year's time, you'll be gladly getting married to me instead of having to be dragged up the aisle kicking and screaming by your family," he says it so casually that you question if the shocked reaction you're having is the abnormal one.

"Date?" you splutter out, completely bewildered, pulling away from him, "Us two? Now?"

"Why are you saying it like it's crazy? I basically just confessed to you," Eunseok crosses his arms in front of his chest and tilts his head in confusion, "Are you rejecting me? Is this payback?"

You wave your hand in dismissal, "Yah, you're really confusing me here, Eunseok. I don't know what I'm feeling right now."

He laughs again, and he's glad that he can finally laugh with you for the first time in years. He takes your hand between his and squeezes assuringly, "It's okay. We can figure it out together as we go. Just stay by my side, okay?"

You sigh into the breeze. The air was crisping up as the sky began to illuminate in visions of pink and purple. You look over at Eunseok and the reflection of the sun makes his eyes look iridescent. One thing you've always known about Eunseok is that with him, you felt safe, so you nod and squeeze his hand back, "Yeah."

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

The first time you saw Eunseok again after your undergraduate graduation, it was in New York City at the end of summer.

You had spent the entire summer travelling nearly every country in Europe with your friends, while Eunseok was forced to come home and start learning how to actually work in his father's company before he started his role at the New York branch. You were glad to have this summer without him considering the two of you spent your summers together as children and as teens, your friendship groups overlapped so you also had to hang out with him.

There were endless boxes in your apartment since decorating your space was one of your life's great pleasures. The boxes were organised by room and had been shipped out from England at the start of the summer when you moved out. They'd been collecting dust, so all your windows were thrown open in the summer heat to air out the apartment and the dust. Of course you had AC, but there was something about the noise of the city traffic and the hustle and bustle travelling up to your apartment that made you feel like you were truly in the city.

The knock on your door made you groan instantly and you had to suppress the urge of banging your head into the coffee table you were decorating. You took small and slow steps to the front door, but the pattering on the door wasn't letting up.

"Already here to bother me on my first day? It's only been like 3 hours since I got off the plane," you sighed as you came face to face with your dreaded fiancé.

Eunseok rolled his eyes and pushed past your shoulders into your kitchen, "I know you missed me. I brought takeout since you probably haven't eaten and don't have any food yet." Eunseok held up a bag of his favourite Korean food in the city and placed it on your dining table, dishing out the styrofoam boxes.

He arrived in the city a week and a half before you did, moving into the apartment across the hall so he had been able to get himself settled into both his job and his city before you came to rain down terror on him.

"What makes you think I want to eat with you?"

"I bought it, so I'm gonna eat it. Up to you if you wanna starve or not," Eunseok shrugged, already making himself comfy in one of your expensive dining chairs. He took out some plastic cutlery from the bag and began to dig in to the beef bibimbap he had ordered for himself. There was another few boxes of food in the bag, all of which smelling amazing and instantly causing your stomach to grumble.

Sheepishly, you took the seat across from him and scavenged through the food. He had ordered you some tteokbokki and a stew with some rice. Either he knew you too well or it was a lucky guess. For the sake of your heart, you settled on the latter choice.

The two of you ate in silence for a while, not really looking up at each other and just staring passively at your food. Silence was few and far between when it came to you and Eunseok. It was always hushed arguing or full blown insulting between the two of you no matter where you went or how inappropriate it may have seemed to others. You were sure there were rumours that the two of you didn't always get on despite being photographed together so often, but your families' PR teams were experts in mangling all those 'rumours'. 

You broke the silence first, "How's the new job?"

The heir in front of you coughs and looks at you strangely, as if he couldn't believe you would ask him that, "It's... work. Not horrible and met a couple friendly colleagues. Having this job does make me feel so grown up and responsible, though," after the initial shock of you initiating a conversation, Eunseok began blabbering about his new position at his family's company.

"Well then hopefully it makes you more mature," you snide.

Eunseok scoffed, "Trust me, Y/N, when I say that I'm the more mature one out of us. You'll find out what I mean one day."

"If you were mature enough, you'd know to oppose this crazy marriage with me," you turned your head away from him, feeling the anger bubble up again.

"And it's because I'm mature enough that I'm not," he shrugged, "Unlike you, I don't think this marriage will be the worst thing that can happen to me."

"I'm honoured," you retorted, "I don't know why you think that when all I've done is make your life difficult. Why would you think I can't continue for the rest of our lives?"

He smiled coyly at you, pushing a drink that appeared in the bag towards you, "You'll get tired, sweetheart. Then you'll fall in love with me."

You feel sick at how he's all entirely wrong. Despite that, you appreciate how he's always able to diffuse any tension between the two of you even if his words are always cocky and arrogant. z

You don't say anything to him for a long while. When you finished up your food in silence, he packed everything anyway and placed it in the correct bins. Wordlessly, he began to unpack your boxes with you, unwrapping everything bubble wrapped and placing it on the kitchen counters for you to organise. You would have protested this act of service, but he's right- fighting him all the time does get tiring.

In this light from the living room as the sun setting made your apartment glow and burst with light, Eunseok looks radiant. You hope he can't see you admiring him from the next room. It's almost as if you're a normal couple, moving into their first home and starting their new life together. It's a melancholy sight as you ponder the what if's.

He breaks down all of your boxes flat, humming to himself a song that you think you've heard at the end of parties when you'd be sat on someone's bedroom floor just talking or playing cards half-drunk. Eunseok turned his head towards you and you whipped your head away so fast it hurts your neck.

"You still have this?" he held up a mug that instantly flashed you back to 6 years ago. The mug is majority a light pink and wonky in places since you made it yourself from clay. It was a few months process making and painting the mug, but when you were 15 with the biggest crush on him, having a mug brandishing "Y/N + EUNSEOK" on it made you feel giddy inside.

"All my other mugs broke," you lied through your teeth, snatching it from his grip and placing it in a random empty cupboard, "My mother packed it for me when I moved to Oxford."

"Mhm, okay," you could tell he was smirking but you made yourself busy with the plates, "I'm gonna take the boxes down to the recycling. Do you want any more help?"

"I've had enough of you for today," you breathed out. Too much time with him truly drove you crazy, "But thanks."

"Anytime, princess. I'm just across the hall if you need me and I'll get your number whenever you get it set up." he wiped his hands on his jeans and have you that charming smile that made you fall in the first place.

You see him out wordlessly. You don't argue when he turns up the next day demanding for your number in case you ever needed anything from him (or if he wanted to come and bother you). You feign annoyance when one morning he's insisting that he ran out of coffee in his apartment and wanted some of yours. You leave him in your apartment because you were running late to class, but when you get home, you open the cupboard and try not to fall all over again when you see a matching, much lumpier, handmade blue mug that brandished the words "TO FOREVER <3" on it next to yours.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

You're tossing and turning in your seat as Eunseok shakes you gently. He laughs when you groan under your breath as he wakes you up, "Sit up. We're landing soon."

The sleep you got on the flight was long, but you still woke up incredibly tired since you kept getting woken up for meals. You were grateful that you could fly first class with separate seats and beds, otherwise you'd be much more groggy than you already were.

Buckling yourself in the seat next to Eunseok's, you yawn, "Eunseok, what the fuck is an engagement trip?"

"A trip celebrating our engagement, duh," he looks at you like you're stupid, so you shove him as hard as your tired body could muster, "Like a honeymoon but before. Never too many excuses to take a vacation. Plus, we're going to be busy this trip."

You've never taken a vacation with just Eunseok before. Sure, you've lived in three different countries together outside of Korea and gone on a couple of vacations as children and with a large group of friends, but never just the two of you with a purpose.

"I don't understand why our wedding planner couldn't just pick a venue for herself and call it a day. Why must we go all the way to Italy and do it ourselves?" you're up to your neck in work, but you couldn't protest when you found a week blocked off in your calendar by your assistant, telling you it was 'orders from above' AKA your father.

"It was my idea," he confesses with a shrug, "Won't it be nice if we actually like where we're getting married? If we chose it ourselves because we can see ourselves getting married there?"

It feels like your heart is clenching at the insinuations behind his words. He wants to get involved with your wedding planning, like it's a real wedding. You sniff and turn away from him. It is a real wedding, you remind yourself. You were going to get married legally and this wedding was real, no matter the intention behind it. No matter if you loved or hated each other, it was a real wedding.

"Yeah. Everywhere in Italy is nice so at leadt it'll be a good trip," the past couple of months since you've been officially engaged to Eunseok, you've been attempting to be nicer and hold back your retorts. You've made an effort to argue less and he's been trying to get on your good side. You've both been busy with work considering the news of the merger brought a whole new wave of problems, so you've had no time to interrogate his profession to "date" you. Thank gosh, because your heart would not be able to take that.

The plane lands soon enough and before you know it, you're in a private car going to your hotel. You were staying in Milan, but driving around Lake Como and Tuscany to tour the list of potential venues that your wedding planner had come up with. You were definitely going to be exhausted by the end of it.

The drive was relatively silent, just listening to music and looking out of the window, but when you arrive at the hotel, Eunseok opens the car door for you and snakes his arm around your waist as you walk up to the front desk, "Hello. We're checking in to the penthouse suite. For Song?"

The hotel clerk smiles sweetly, handing over your keys swiftly, "All ready for you both, Mr Song. Congratulations on your engagement."

You're spluttering a thank you with flushed cheeks as Eunseok drags you over to the elevator, "You told them?"

"I just wanted the free champagne that I assume will be up there," he grins cheekily and you roll your eyes. As if he couldn't afford it.

You are however delighted to find a small cake beside the bucket of ice cold champagne and you dig into the red velvet goodness as you watch Eunseok open up your suitcases and hang your clothes up in the master bedroom wardrobe meticulously. You're halfway into the cake when he drags his suitcases out of the room.

"Wait, where are you going?" you frown.

Eunseok snickers, "To the other bedroom? Why? Do you want me to stay with you?"

"Oh. I just didn't know there were two rooms." you say sheepishly.

Eunseok stops in his tracks, hand on his suitcase loosening, "So you went into this trip okay with the thought of sleeping with me? If so, I'll stay here with you then."

"No!" you call out, "Just- just shut up and go."

The smirk on his face is smug as he nods and continues his leave, "Alright, sweetheart, but let me know if you get nightmares and want company."

You bear the butter knife at him and he laughs melodically on his way out. You pop the champagne yourself and drown a glass down, hoping you'd be able to make it out the trip unscathed. He's running into the room with a pout after hearing the loud pop of the corkscrew, so you pour the both of you a glass and you clink them together as you chugged them back.

The days pass by similarly. You wake up and have breakfast together before embarking on a sleepy drive to a venue. You have lunch in endless terraces and gardens under the sun, basking in the heat and evaluating the venue you saw that morning. You both ooh and ahh at different venues that all look the same before you find a flaw in it that stops you from making the decision to host one of the most important days of your lives there. Some are too big, some too small, too pretentious, not pretty enough, the flowers aren't the ones you envisioned, the location too secluded or not enough. You always agree on the flaws of the venues and it's the penultimate full day when you make it to the final venue on the list.

"If I don't like this venue then I'm not marrying you," you huff in the car as it pulls up the driveway.

"Who knew wedding venues were so complicated?" Eunseok exhales in frustration, "Should we just get married in Seoul?"

You puff out your lips, "Italy was always my dream, but I was naive to the process."

Eunseok smiles and takes your hand, "I have faith in this one. At least I hope." The commitment he has to giving you your dream wedding despite it all is unwavering.

When you enter the final venue, you think that maybe it was the last on the list for a reason, since you're blown away every step you take through the grounds. The hallways to the main room is ornate and delicate at the same time, with pretty floral paintings wrapping the walls and big windows letting in the golden light. The room where your reception could be held is stunning with murals all over the walls and a dome ceiling that compliments it perfectly. It's neither too big, nor too small and there's little nooks and crannies for guests to nestle themselves in. You could see yourself in the middle, slow dancing with your head on your husband's shoulder.

"This is nice," Eunseok awes, coming up behind you with the grounds manager, "Very pretty."

You nod in agreement and ask to see the gardens, since you always wanted to get married outside in the sun. The manager gushes over the outside while she leads you out and your heart is pounding in anticipation. Eunseok probably guessed how giddy you were, because he joins you by your side and gives you a hopeful look.

"We're here. Most brides start from here and have the aisle straight down to the arch."

She throws open the double doors and you gasp in admiration at the sight in front of you. The stairs going down to the garden seen steep, but grand. You envision that your father could probably help you hobble down to the garden, where it was staged as a wedding venue. There's chairs laid out in rows, decorated in tulle and bows with an aisle adorned in flowers. At the end of the garden, there's an arch with vines wrapped around it and flowers creeping up. From where you were standing, you could see that this garden was actually on a balcony overlooking a lake that seemed to be glowing and sparkling as the slight wind caused some ripples on the surface

"I'll give you two some time to explore?" she proposes, to which Eunseok nods and wraps his hand around your wrist, tugging you down the stairs.

"First impressions?" he's looking around with blown out pupils as the two of you reach the bottom of the stairs and the beginning of the aisle.

"I like this one a lot," you shyly admit, "It's exactly what I imagined."

"I love it as well. Why don't you walk down the aisle and see how you feel. Imagine yourself on the day," he's taking off in front of you, running swiftly to the arch before you could even take a breath and get a word out.

At his antics, you let out a full-belly laugh and straighten out the ivory dress you happened to be wearing. You look down at the slip dress hitting your ankles and think it might be fate you chose to wear this specific dress on this specific day. You look up and find Eunseok suddenly frozen still at the other end, hands intertwined in front of him and his eyes trained solely on you.

When he notices that you meet his eyes, he gives you a gentle smile as he mouths to you, "Come here."

It takes you a few breaths to actually muster up the courage to follow his direction. You think that walking down a straight path shouldn't be such a big deal, but the thought that this could be the very steps you take to marry the same man at the end in less than a year's time strikes your heart.

The aisle is a soft and smooth stone, perfect for walking on in high heels. It's wide enough that a wedding dress wouldn't drag along the sides and knock over the flowers and long enough for anticipation to build as Eunseok gazes down at you from afar.

"Y/N," Eunseok calls over.

You take the first step and your breath catches in your throat. All you can look at is Eunseok now, with his shirt unbuttoned at the first three to expose some chest and his hair falling over his eyes. He keeps fidgeting with his fingers, as if he couldn't stand still and his lips are puckering and stretching as if he had much more to say.

The second step is easier than the first and the third one even more so. By the fifth step, Eunseok is chewing on his bottom lip and you're ridden with anticipation to meet him at the end.

With each step you take down the aisle, you're flashed back to all the crucial moments in your life with Song Eunseok so far.

You were sandbox best friends. You learned to walk together, and then ride bikes with each other. You learned to swim in the same swimming pool that still remained in your garden. You learned to ski and snowboard with each other in the blustery mountains of the alps. You were each other's first heartbreaks when you were teens. You took your first alcoholic drink together with your friends by the Han river, faces flushed red and hearts beating out of your chests at the prospect of getting caught. You got blackout drunk together for the first time during your first week of university. You posed together as you threw your graduation caps up in the air at the end of the three years. You chased each other around New York City, running around in blocks after he snatched your phone from your grasp when you would ignore him. You begrudgingly invited him to ride swan paddle boats with you in every lake and river around the city since he was the only person that would drop everything for you at a moment's notice. You would leave containers of home cooked food outside his doors when you noticed he was getting swamped with work, knowing he had the tendency to either order too much unhealthy takeout or stop eating altogether when busy.

With every step you take to meet Eunseok at the bottom of the aisle, you accept that Eunseok has been with you for every step of your life.

He's an arm's length away when you notice his eyes are glossier than usual. Eunseok refuses to break the stare between the two of you as you arrive in front of him, exactly where you would stand under the arch if you got married at this very space.

"Are you crying?" you whisper, afraid of your own voice.

He chortles and dabs at his eyes, "It's just the wind."

"Mhm," you hum, fighting back the smile threatening to expose your emotions, "What do you think?"

Eunseok takes a bold step towards you and closes the gap between your bodies. He's closer than you've ever had him and you can nearly feel his breath on your skin. It's making you dizzy but all you can do is keep your eyes on him.

"Eunseok," you murmur in a hushed tone.

His head is drifting closer down to yours, forehead nearly touching. If you moved your face even just by a centimetre, your noses would bump and you knew you wouldn't be able to stop yourself.

"Let's get married here," Eunseok nudges his face forwards. You have to stop yourself from pulling back even with the drumming in your chest, "You're going to look so beautiful. You do already."

"I like this place. Our parents would like it here too."

Eunseok's eyes flutter shut as he sighs and shakes his head gently, "No, let's get married here because we want to, not because our parents would like it. Let's get married because we want to."

"Eunseok," his name falls out of your mouth like it's the most sacred word you can say.

His forehead is still pressed against yours, his eyes squeezed tight and his palm comes up to make home on your cheek, "I love you. I always have."

Sincerity drips from his words and you know that this time, it's the real thing. It's the words you'd been dying to hear him say sincerely for a decade. It's the words that underlined every fight and argument you've had as adults. He finally and bravely bares his heart to you for the first time, still considerate as he always had been by giving you the choice to determine what will end up of the two of you.

There's something different about his profession of love after all you'd experienced together. Back then, when you confessed that you liked him, the world would probably say it was just some puppy love- a silly high school crush. Something that would fizzle over and dissolve when you would experience the real hardships of life and what it could throw at you. You think that a late confession carries a profound and heartfelt meaning like no other.

"Seok-"

He cuts you off before you could finish, pulling away from you and causing you to open your eyes, "I don't need an answer yet, Y/N. I just need you to know that I want to be with you. I want to be your boyfriend, your husband, your partner- whatever you want me to be. I want to make you only happy from now on, instead of angry or resentful. I want to be by your side and keep following you around the world. I want everything with you."

You've never felt more sure of anything else in the world when you bounce up on your tiptoes and capture his face between your hands, pressing your lips against his. It feels like every nerve ending in your body is on fire, but at the same time feeling relief as if this was the one thing in the world that could finally relieve you from all the anger and bitterness you had been displaying and trying to internalise for all these years. Deep down, you could never ever hate Song Eunseok, the boy who has had your heart since you were just young.

He's rigid for a split second while he processes your own confession, but he quickly regains enough composure to part his lips and deepen the kiss, moulding your lips to each other's. It's unlike anything he's ever felt before and he finally understood the real pleasure of kissing someone you really love. As he runs his tongue along your bottom lip, Eunseok knows that he could do this for the rest of his life.

"Song Eunseok, I love you too," your eyes are glistening with adoration as you pull away from his kiss, "Let's get married?"

When he finally looks you in the eye at the moment you give yourself back to him, he can't help the tears that finally break free from their barrier. He's laughing as he finally pulls you to his chest, wrapping his arms around your body in desperation of keeping you close to him. You nuzzle deeper into him and he tucks his head into your neck. His body is shaking with the laughter of relief and his heartstrings tug when he feels his shirt dampening at the exact spot where your face laid.

"You're the one I'll always choose to love," he coo's into your ear words that travel straight into your heart, "For the rest of my life, for the rest of yours."

You look down at your hand and breathe deeply as the ring glistens on your finger. The Italian sun makes it shine bright as the symbol of your love. You start thinking of what you want to engrave on the inside of the ring that you want to get him. You start thinking of the dress and suit you'll be wearing at this very spot soon enough. You're dreaming of the house you move into together and of the company you'll spearhead by each other's side. You fantasise over your future kids- the kids you hope will have his eyes and your nose. You yearn for the life you know Eunseok will give you and your heart is finally at peace, knowing it will always be him.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

[stu-dyingstudent]

Sakura Haruno fic recs: time travel AU

I'm finally getting around to recommending some good Sakura-centric time travel fics! There are plenty of them out there and they can be kind repetitive, but I always eat them up. Typically speaking, I really don't care much for the whole introduction bit at the start where it's the actual process of her being sent back... So just make it past there before you decide whether or not to continue!!! Also, I'm starting to think this list is getting kinda long, so maybe I'll do a second one?

I've been dying to post some of these fics in a list, so please enjoy!

Started: 2024.08.16

Last Updated: 2024.08.26

note: feel free to check out my master list which has a bunch of Sakura Haruno fic recs (all organized)!

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Sakura - lilac haze || ffn/ao3 || M || minasaku || time travel AU || complete

AU. Non-Canon. Time Travel. Please see inside for full warnings. Cross posted on Ao3. On his deathbed he was granted eternal peace and place to rest for all of time. Of course that was not appealing to him. Ever unpredictable to the end he had a counter offer. One that the Sage had to consider. In which Sakura's going to have a rough time. A really rough time.

If there is one thing I want you to take away from this list, it is this fic right here. I kid you not, Sakura is one of the best fics I have ever read. I have never felt so gutted, so heartbroken, so giddy, so stressed, all from one work. It's a masterpiece all while being criminally underrated. The characterizations and storytelling are beautifully done. You feel for the characters and the relationships formed along the way are truly great. Please share this author some love.

Check TWs before hand!!

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The Misadventures of Kakashi and the Girl From No Where - Goldfishlover73 || ao3 || kakasaku || M || time travel AU || complete

When a girl called Sakura seemingly falls in the sky, Kakashi is skeptical. Far more skeptical than the rest of Team Minato are. War is approaching quickly and this strange girl is leaving more questions than answers in her wake, Kakashi must decide where his trust and loyalties lie in a constantly changing world.

Told in the perspective of Kakashi in his youth! Really interesting take and I love how strong Sakura is in this in addition to the fact that we get to see a different side of Kakashi that we aren't used to.

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Anachronistic Drift  - Elesrea  || ffn || gen || T || time travel AU || incomplete

Her plan was flawless. Save Shisui. Save the world. Time-travel, Sakura-centric AU

Sakura spends years training to be sent back in time and save the world from Sasuke. Whilst masquerading as her younger self, she poses as an unofficial ANBU to stay anonymous in her efforts of changing the shinobi world for the better.

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Tourniquet - lilac haze || ffn || T || minasaku || time travel AU || complete

She was his tourniquet. She stopped the bleeding, she stopped his bleeding. She stopped his pain, his despair, his loneliness. She was the first face he saw. She was the first person he trusted. She was the first person to keep his secret. She was his tourniquet. He did not love her. He only loved the idea of her. SakuraXMinato. Time-Travel Fic. Alt. Universe

I quite honestly think this is a hidden gem amongst time travel AUs since I never see people recommending it, but Touriquet is so good! What's interesting here is that it isn't Sakura that's playing with time, but rather Minato. The night of the Nine-Tails attack, rather than dying, he is sent to the future where post-war Sakura is the one to find him and keep the former Hokage alive. It's a delicate situation and one which is kept a secret from many, but through Minato's depression and difficulties with his new life, Sakura becomes a close confident.

Same author as Sakura! I gotta read more of their works

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Armour-Sleeved Single Hit - thatdamnuchiha || ao3 || T || madasaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

Sasuke always told Sakura she was weak. Even after she trained with Tsunade for years he only had eyes for Naruto whom he considered strong. She would forever be invisible to him no matter how many mountains she toppled. Being a member of Team Seven despite Sasuke’s refusal to acknowledge her meant she got herself into her fair share of sticky situations. Getting stuck a hundred odd years in the past had to take the cake though. But she was just a weak little girl and compared to the shinobi of old she’d be ridiculously pathetic. Sasuke had said she was weak to him – a modern day shinobi who hadn’t been forced into battle after battle like they did in the Warring Clans Era. Obviously she’d be nothing more than a spec of dirt in the eyes of the Founders.

Sakura manages to find herself in founding-era Konoha! While trying to prove that medical ninja are capable fighters she unknowingly gains the affection of Madara Uchiha. After all, the Uchiha find beauty in strength. Super cute read!

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here are the fruits of your labor (would you like a cherry on top?) - snickiebear || ao3 || M || shisaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

Shisui smiles and it is unlike any smile she has seen before. She cannot remember the last time she had seen a smile. 

Sakura manages to fix everything and now tries to live her life in a past she doesn't know. Shisui is the first to find her and the two of them form a close relationship that continues through her journey of recovery.

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The Moon Knows Best - darth_healer || ao3 || E || madasaku || time travel AU || complete

The Moon has played a cruel trick on Madara. He's still home, but it's not the same. Instead of a tranquil forest, there's a colorful vibrant village. Instead of the cliffside he knows so well, it's a collection of Senju faces, one of which belongs to his good friend Hashirama. And instead of Hashirama, Madara is saddled with a very interesting, pink-haired girl. MadaSaku in which young Madara goes forward through time.

Madara finds himself far into the future where the first to stumble upon him is Sakura. He's such a brat, but his and Sakura's interactions are rather entertaining.

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In the Magic Hour - summersirius || ao3 || E || minasaku || time travel AU || complete

It's not perfect, but everything is beautiful. —Minato/Sakura

A sharingan mishap lands Sakura in the past where she drops down in front of team Minato. With her hope of returning to the present time dwindling, Sakura excepts her new life and tries to make the best of the situation and the new bonds that come with it. The dynamic between Sakura and the older generation is quite refreshing and her mentor relationship with the former team 7 is great.

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Stumble - writer168 || ao3/ffn || gen || T || time travel AU || complete

Sakura wanted to die.Sasori was fine with staying dead.But it seemed fate had other plans for them, because when they both wake up younger with blood pulsing through their veins, they had to remember how to live again.Time Travel AU

Sasori and Sakura are both sent back in time and they try to make a difference in their respective villages. Told in the perspective of both characters, but primarily Sakura. She ends up forming a pretty sweet bond with Ibiki and Genma (which I love) and they help her through some things. Sakura has a rough time

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A Twist in Time - wolf08 || ffn || sasusaku || T || time travel AU || complete

With Konoha on the verge of destruction, Sakura is sent on a last-resort mission to save her world by travelling to the past. Join her in coping with her old body's shortcomings, testing the natural laws of time, falling in love all over again, and rediscovering who she is.

With Sakura frustrated at being back to where she started in her becoming of a shinobi, she begins to train with Sasuke. This time around in her life, her relationship with her brooding teammate isn't so strained. Pretty cute read imo

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Return & Rehash - SpaceNugget11 || ffn || sasusaku || M || time travel AU || incomplete

"You," Sakura snarled with bared teeth. Sasuke gagged for air, clutching at her forearm, but she only pressed harder into him. Her green eyes crackled, and she wished she could burn him alive with the heat of her anger.

Sasuke and Sakura certainly did not end in their last life on goods terms and it is prevalent from the moment Sakura awakens and attacks her teammate.

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An Inch of Gold - KuriQuinn || ffn || sasusaku || T || time travel AU || complete

Team 7 is sent on a mission to investigate a disturbance outside of the village, where they encounter an unconscious girl in a crater. The mysterious Sarada insists she's a shinobi from the Hidden Leaf trying to rescue her teammates. When the team discovers she possesses a Sharingan, things become even more unbelievable. [Part of the Legacy of Fire Series]

Sarada lands herself back in time all while crashing into another team 7 mission gone wrong. An Inch of Gold is in multiple perspectives, but they're all done quite well. Sasuke and Sakura are obviously rather flustered by the situation and the fact they have to deal with it in front of the team makes it quite entertaining.

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These Eyes of Mine (I Can See) - tsukuyue || ao3 || gen || time travel AU || complete

They've lost. Naruto was dead, killed at Kaguya’s hands. Along with him died any illusions of hope that they could win. They couldn’t win, but perhaps they wouldn’t need to. In attempts to stop the Fourth Shinobi War from ever occuring, Sakura is sent back in time to the moment of her birth. Protecting the people she cared about would be much easier if she knew all the facts. OR Where Sakura can see the dead, and Danzō deserves to die.

I'll be honest, I can't remember much, but I do remember that it was really good! I believe a large focus is the Uchiha massacre.

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Trials of Change - Espoiretreves || ao3 || gen || time travel AU || complete

Haruno Sakura made a promise. Looking in the eyes of her Shisou and the reanimated Hokage, she took on the most important mission of her life. Go back in time and try to prevent the 4th Shinobi War. Now, Sakura is back to her 5-year-old body, with all the knowledge and haunting memories of the future. She vows to keep her precious people safe and stop certain events from happening, without altering the timeline too much. The trials her emotions and logic put her through have her questioning her very existence, but for the sake of peace, she has to push forward. No matter what.

If you love Shisui then you'll definitely like Trials of Change. Him and Sakura form the most wholesome friendship ever and try their best in taking down ROOT. A huge cast is present here and the whole thing is just great. It seems as if everyone has some character development lmao.

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Time Flies Like An Arrow - Katlou303 || ao3 || gen || K || time travel AU || complete

Sakura traveled back in time with the intent of changing everything, but something went wrong, and now she's four years old having nightmares about impossible monsters and losing friends she has yet to meet.

I always like the ones where Sakura isn't fully aware she time travelled. I find it interesting in this fic to see how oblivious Sakura is to her situation, she's a four year old in mind and body. However, she still feels the need to make a difference in the lives of the people around her.

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cut the head off the snake - itsthechocopuff || ao3 || T || time travel AU || complete

when eighteen-year-old, post-war Sakura is thrown back into her tiny, pre-Academy body, she makes a decision. she'd had a childhood once already, and this time, she's more interested in Not Dying when the inevitable shit hits the proverbial fan. so she will work harder, care less, kill more, and smile when she's done.and hey, if she ends up reviving an extinct nature transformation to attract the most corrupt, power-hungry man from her timeline, all the better for her, right?

Sakura decides that her first order of business after traveling back in time is to infiltrate ROOT and that's exactly what she does. Sai, Shin, and Shisui are all great characters and team Ro is present as well. Very good!

Update: just found out it was recently completed!!

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Q: Do you guys like my little comments? If you look at my other lists you'll probably notice that I tend to reuse some of what I say (bc I'm lazy), but for the most part I try to add something new whenever I put a fic on a list. I know that descriptions aren't always very helpful, so I like to put a little something for y'all to get a better idea of what to expect!

Send me recs if you have any!!!

[catt-nuevenor]

The Future

Time to establish what's going to happen from this point forwards.

The vast majority of you have been exceptionally patient this last year, and for that you have my deepest thanks. You've given me the time to not only write a book, but edit it, and send it off to literary agents, something I would have long given up on doing without the continued support of those who enjoy my writing.

Now that the book is off doing the rounds independently, it's time I got back to Myrk Mire.

Originally Myrk Mire was built in ChoiceScript, a scripting language created by the Choice of Games company. Choice of Games control what is done with their script, understandably, they own it. This does pose some restrictions. I can't, for example, release any paid material built using ChoiceScript unless it is directly through their publishing label. If I do publish under their label, I maintain IP or Intellectual Property Rights, however I also grant them the exclusive rights under perpetual license to publish the multiple choice game 'electronically'.

Source: Choice of Games.com

As you can see from the outline above, they do make exceptions for stories published in non-competing formats, and for sequels, prequels, and spin-offs. However, traditional publishing houses might require stricter control over IP, distribution, and exclusivity. It will only become more and more complicated as things progress, and being locked into a perpetual license agreement of any nature is not a decision to make lightly.

As some of you may be sensing from the tone of all this so far, I'm going to be moving Myrk Mire away from Choice of Games and ChoiceScript, and into a new medium/format.

After tinkering, and trialling with a few alternatives, I've decided to go with Renpy. Renpy, while largely used for visual novel style games and stories, provides a very workable framework for interactive fiction, and is an Open Source script, it isn't beholden to publishing contracts, licence cost, or exclusivity.

I'm not going to be diving into transferring Myrk Mire right away, it's a huge piece of writing, in an entirely different scripting language, and as previously stated, there are a lot of changes I want to implement with the cast. Instead, I'm creating a trial story: One Háḟest Day. My Patrons have been aware of all this for about a month or so, and have already seen some previews.

One Háḟest Day takes place in Aldmirham before the events of Myrk Mire, around the time the Main Character and the Wanderers first arrived in town. The reader will have the choice to follow one of the romanceable characters through a single day, with opportunities to explore their lives and relationships before the Main Character and Child come along. I hope it will provide a proving ground for the changes that previously caused debate, and an opportunity for people to try out the new format and interface.

My plan is to distribute One Háḟest Day through Itch.io, working with their early access framework and voluntary payments for such as soon as one of the character routes is ready to play from beginning to end, updating regularly with the other characters as they too are completed, and with additional features as required. Once the full game is complete, I will release a separate full build with a set minimum price that can be discussed with the community as we move forwards.

At the second, I'm aiming for a web hosted format and a desktop/laptop downloadable format, with phone compatibility to come later down the line once things are stable.

I will post production updates and info when I can to tumblr, though a lot of what I'm doing now is very python coding heavy, so perhaps not that interesting?

I've included some screenshots below of very early development, featuring a Character Log and Word Log that I hope will allow readers to more easily navigate the story. I'm toying with the idea of having a Mysteries Log as well that will keep track of snippets of information gleaned from each character's route, but that can be a tinkering feature for now.

Let me know your thoughts, concerns, or excitement, though do keep all messages objective and polite.

[luminalunii97]

I've seen non Iranians admiring the Islamic Republic national football team for not singing the national anthem. And then they were confused as to why iranians were happy that the team lost. Yes not singing the anthem might have consequences for them, but it won't change the fact that these people went to visit Raisi, the Islamic Republic president and bowed to him, posed happily for pictures while we were dealing with Kiam Pirfalak news, and said they don't care about politics and what's going on Iran in an interview, stating that they will focus on the game only. Not singing the anthem is nothing in comparison. And you might think they were under pressure. So were other athletes in Iran, let's see what they did:

Picture on the right is Elnaz Rekabi, an Iranian rock climber who was the first athlete to take off her hijab during Mahsa Amini protests to show her solidarity with people. She's currently under house arrest. she wasn't the first Iranian woman ever doing that. On the left, that's Shohreh Bayat, her story is so sad.

In many interviews I've seen of her, she always cries when she says her story. She was to referee the final of the Women's World Chess Championship a couple of years ago. While in another country she decided to wear her hijab loosely in an act of rebellion. She got warning from Islamic Republic twice and everytime she made it worse. She was asked to apologize but she refused, saying that she wouldn't apologize for what she believes in. At last, even though she wasn't ready to leave everything behind and start from scratch in a foreign country, she decided to ditch the compulsory hijab completely and never come back to Iran, because her life would be in danger if she did. Because of her choice she can't come back to visit her family anymore. her family supported her which made the authorities to force her father to resign (her father was the president of chess association in Gilan, Iran).

Then we had Iranian national beach soccer team. I think they were the first group who refused to sing Islamic republic national anthem. And after they got threatened to sing the anthem, they did something even more iconic. One of the players cut his imaginary hair after he scored.

Then we had these two scenes after scoring. They were recreating an inhuman thing Islamic republic did. The guy on the right is Khodanoor Lajei. He was murdered on bloody Friday in Zahedan. He was a Baloch guy. I'm going to post about Balochs and the thing that's been done to them by Islamic republic in details. For now know that this guy got killed in protests but this picture of him is for a couple of months back. He insulted a Basiji guy or something, Islamic republic police chained him to a pole in the middle of the city to make him an example for others, after beating him. When he asked for water they brought him a cup but they put it out of his reach in front of him and laughed at his thirst. (You see why we hate Islamic Republic, IRGC and Basij?!) The picture got out only after his death because Baloch people didn't think the rest of Iran would care about them enough to react. That broke my heart unspeakably much.

With so much bravery, our national girl's basketball team has been posting photos without mandatory hijab ever since the protests have begun.

Last but not least, Parmida Ghasemi, iranian archer ditching mandatory hijab inside of iran. She took it out for receiving the prize and while she was being photographed.

(Btw, non of these women "forgot" their hijab accidentally. If you're iranian you learn to never forget your hijab since you're 7, the age you start school. Without a formal head wearing you won't be allowed to attend school classes. When you grow up with it, you'll get used to it. You have no idea how weird it feels to not wear a veil in public, I'm still getting used to it.)

we've witnessed many iconic brave moves by our athletes but non of them said we don't give a shit about what's happening in Iran before the game. I'm not saying they won't be redeemed one day, I'm just saying they should work to win their respect back.

[fantasy-anatomy-analyst]

Do you have any advice on how to go about designing monsters and animals and the like? I like the idea of creating those kinds of things but I always blank on how to go about it, like I know little facts like Allen's Rule but I don't know how to find out about something like that intentionally or even think of it for my thing. (me when I have no idea how to explain that I have no idea how to research smth lol)

first I've heard of Allen's Rule, so that probably says a lot about the fact that I'm mostly self taught lol.

here's the wikipedia page about it for anyone else who didn't know.

to sum up, it is a rule stating that animals in cold climates tend to have shorter/thicker appendages while animals in hot climates tend to have longer/thinner ones. Arctic hare vs desert hare, as an example.

the first thing to do when you want to design anything is to do a lot of studies. just in general. look up images of any animal or insect and draw sketches studying how they're built. do it for people too! you'll always be better at making new designs if you have a basic understanding of how real things are shaped and how they function.

study from videos by sketching fast gesture poses as you watch the creatures in motion! I have also done this while attending sports and dance performances. studying bodies in motion by watching olympic athletes or videos of people trying and failing to do a sport. just study the heck out of everything you can! it's as simple as putting down some lines and shapes to show the main body forms. heavier detail studies are also useful! tracing images in order to study the details is not wrong. I do it all the time, as you can see in a lot of the advice posts I make! I frequently provide traced images of the creature references I've found in order to show my process of breaking down the simplified body shapes.

my actual sketch process often looks like this:

(image description: multiple layers of very loose scribbly sketches in different colors. visible notes on two layers of sketches read "aerial silks dance" and "flying birds". the clearest and topmost layer of sketch is a humanoid figure with wings, performing a dance.

as you might be able to see if you can even begin to parse the mess that is all my study sketching, the final pose sketch I made here for my bird dude Morianon doing a little dance does not even match the poses I sketched from reference videos! This is because gesture sketch studies like these are more based on vibes than accuracy! They're a good way to warm up and practice making really fast gestural doodles that just show the form and motion more than anything well proportioned. It also frees you of the pressure to draw anything perfect! this is messy on purpose! you gotta be messy, it's how learning works.

and then once you're more confident with speed studies, you can get more specific with detail studies. all of this is essential if you want to be able to design creatures. it's all about artistic confidence and developing the skills to notice details. and then you get better at applying those details.

I have two posts on how to study and use references! one over here focused on humans. and another one here about non humans.

this is getting longer than I expected lol. I have other posts on my to-do list that will also be helpful to you I think, and you can explore the links on my pinned post to find more advice on a lot of topics! I might have to make a post on the more general topic of "how do I even get started on designing a creature?" because it is kind of the whole premise of this blog, huh? I have a lot of advice for people who already have a solid idea and just need some advice to overcome a few obstacles along the way, but I don't think I've made a proper advice post for what to do when you don't even have a starting idea.

the tldr version of creature creation is this:

pick a niche (mountain people, flying predator, burrowing creature)

study real life creatures in similar niches

start throwing ideas at your page until something sticks and then take the things that stick and build on them until it feels good

refine your design

[sapphim]

I've been a little bit obsessed lately with whatever it is that may or may not be going on with Connor Guerrin.

Desire: I abandon the boy… for now. But I retain the contract he and I made, and many years from now I may return and claim what is mine. Desire: This will be long after whatever you want is done. In exchange, I will provide something of value to you. Something you desire. What say you? Warden: So you leave and come back when nobody expects it? Desire: I have had my fun in the living world. If I leave, you could tell anyone you've slain me. Even the boy himself would believe it. Desire: He will grow and become a mage, mighty and wise. But when I return, his soul would be mine. Warden: How do I know you would keep your word? Desire: A bargain struck is a bargain kept. Such is our way. — Desire: Then it is a deal. You'll have what you desire… and I'll leave as if destroyed. For now. Desire: I wish you luck, dear creature. You shall certainly need it.

After Connor is freed (or, "freed"), regardless of whether or not the Circle and Irving were contacted for help, he is sent to the Circle.

Teagan: Connor is his old self. He does not seem to remember anything, which is a blessing. Teagan: I suppose we will need to send him to the Circle of Magi's tower for… training, once the war is over. It's so odd to think of the boy as a mage, of all things.

This is corroborated in his codex entry.

With aid from the Circle, he was freed from the demon's power. Connor will be sent to the Circle Tower where he will no longer pose a danger to the innocent. He was freed from the demon's power at a terrible price: the cost of his mother's life. Connor himself will be sent to the Circle where he will no longer endanger innocent people.

Now, the Origins epilogue disputes that Connor ever arrived at the Circle, in the event that the Warden cut a deal with the desire demon and allowed him to be repossessed.

While Eamon planned to send Connor to the Circle of Magi for training, the boy grew strangely ill and the trip was delayed… and then one day Connor simply disappeared entirely. After a frantic search, he was eventually given up for lost. His disappearance remains a mystery to this day.

However the Origins epilogue slides are explicitly non-canon, and have been freely retconned throughout the series. The implication that he never arrived at the Circle due to the demon's interference is also inconsistent with the its claim that it would wait "many years" for him to grow into a more powerful mage before attempting to reclaim him.

Furthermore, Isolde mentions how Connor is settling in at the Circle in dialogue from Mark of the Assassin if the DLC is played in Act 1 (9:31, less than a year after the end of the Blight). This plays if Connor is alive, regardless of whether the demon was dealt with permanently or not.

Perrin: How is your son, Arlessa? Does Circle life suit him? Isolde: He is well, thank you. He is glad to have proper tutors, and they say he is a very good student.

Tangentially, Teagan's dialogue about Connor, if Isolde died, implies that he has maintained a good deal of contact with his surviving family despite living at Kinloch.

Perrin: How is your nephew, Bann Teagan? Tegan: Connor is… a teenager now, Maker save us all. My poor brother is tearing his hair out dealing with the boy. Teagan: He’ll grow out of it. Or Eamon will kill him. Either one.

If he appears in Inquisition, he mentions that he was still at Kinloch when the Circles were dissolved.

Inquisitor: How did you end up in the mage rebellion? Connor: I was living in the Fereldan tower when the Circles dissolved. I voted against it, but… Connor: At first, it seemed all right. No one was summoning demons. They just wanted to oversee themselves. Connor: But then the magister came and… It's wrong, what they do in Tevinter. Connor: We are monsters. We need to be controlled. If it wasn't for me… Connor: Every family in this village wouldn't be missing a son, a daughter, a spouse.

However, (according to the wiki) he only appears in Inquisition (in 9:41) if the Warden did not cut a deal with the demon to allow it to return and repossess him later.

So, if that is the case, then what happened to Connor between 9:31 and 9:41? This question is the one that has been haunting me.

Connor doesn't appear in game between Origins and Inquisition, but there was a quest that was cut from DA2 in which Hawke would have met Teagan and Connor if Connor was alive.

I want to add a few caveats before presenting more information on this quest. Uncompleted quests like these are removed from the game for any number of reasons, and all the information contained within should be considered 1) incomplete and 2) possibly in error. There is, for example, another cut quest in which, if Harrowmont is king of Orzammar, the carta continues to support Bhelen and his claim to the throne. The problem with the concept of this quest concept is that, if Harrowmont is king, Bhelen is dead.

The quest was going to take place in Act 2 (9:34, which would have made Connor around 14 at the time). Teagan and Connor are in Kirkwall for? Some reason. A little field trip for a well-behaved boy, perhaps. Kirkwall's templars have gone rogue and are attempting to kill Connor, having heard of his little reign of terror in Redcliffe some five years ago and believing him to still be possessed. The political implications on this one are a bit uh, insane, if we're being honest.

Connor is still a mage of Kinloch, and says as much himself. Except there is an alternate line, in which he does not mention the Circle at all.

Connor: I’m a mage of the Circle Tower of Ferelden. Connor: (alt line) There’s no use keeping it a secret. Yes, I’m a mage.

When the quest was cut, the plot flag to determine if Connor would claim to be a mage of the circle checked:

1) Is Connor alive? (This seems unnecessary. He's standing right there in front of us, after all.) 2) Did the Warden make a deal with the desire demon? and 3) When cutting a deal with the demon, did the Warden not intimidate it into leaving Connor permanently and never returning for him?

In other words, basically, if Connor is slated to be repossessed, he doesn't claim to be a member of Ferelden's Circle. Again. This could be anything or nothing. It could be a mistake.

One very mundane explanation: in the zz_vault_debug dialogue, this plot flag is phrased as "Connor went to the circle of magi"/"Connor did not go to the circle of magi," and it's possible that's how it was phrased in the developers' toolset as well. Then someone saw the flag, with only that description to go off of, and wrote it in. This is... technically not incorrect? But it glosses over the very very important factor of WHY specifically did he not go to the Circle of Magi. Bioware, in the absence of the Circle of Magi, then what!!! Answer the question.

You can understand maybe why I'm a little, "hmmm?" over this, red string style, especially since Bioware has kindly given me no other details to to "HMMM?" about.

Anyway that's my current Connor brainrot that's been rotating in my head for the past several days.

[thekingofcrochet]

Just shy of 30 I drew my own nude portrait…

I'm not new to nude figure drawing. I went to art school after all. And figure drawing courses are the least sexiest thing about art school.

Sometimes the model is moving through poses quickly so you never get to see one area for too long. Sometimes they sit for multiple sessions in the same pose and by the time it's over you may have developed a tense relationship with the back of someone's left knee.

If you fall in love, you've done it wrong. Plain and simple. It's a school child's definition of love - persistence and obsession, a single two-sided coin

But when was the last time you saw yourself as other's see you. I don't mean in a philosophical sense. When your friends take pictures of you, are you happy? or disgruntled? or sad? or bored?

What about when you see those photos? Do you hate what you see?

So far, most of my self portaits have just been that - portrait shots. From the shoulders up, I got really good at drawing my eyes, nose, mouth, ears. I've figured out how to draw glasses and how to get the eyes to look almost the same. At least twice a year I would draw myself. Usually for a class. And then I'd just start doing it because it seemed like a fun thing to do. And what better reference than one's own body.

I was never good at drawing the rest of me - body dysmorphia and body dysphoria created a me that was never me. Mirrors were my enemy. Or a window to a me who didn't exist. Or the me who existed while I was trapped in the mirror.

But then I started getting naked. I put myself on display. For people to look at and think their thoughts. I lavished in the praise and ignored the hatred. What did they know about me? About my body? The eating disorders? The hormone problems? Walking through life tits first, personality second? Who cares what they think. I certainly don't.

So why did I hate my body? Who is making me hate my body?

I chose to remove my facial features and instead draw some flowers. Because if I'm anything, than it's a hypocrite. A beautiful, sexy hypocrite.

If you’ve made it this far, then you should know that I had originally posted this reflection on ko-fi many months ago. But my page has been suspended because I included “censored nudity” which is against the guidelines. They don’t care that I made this work for non-sexual reasons.

So now that’s one less revenue stream for me and my art.

You can support me at any other link while i try to figure out either how to get my page back or if I should switch to Patreon or something

[jr2pa]

hello… sorry if this is a lame thing to post in the tag, but if anyone would be willing to help me in some way with umineko's mystery, i would greatly appreciate it.

i recently finished chapter 5, and… message received, i guess, that they expect me to "solve it" at this point, but i'm very lost. i've been taking notes this whole time and i've written down pretty much every red truth that's ever been spoken ever since the gimmick was first introduced, so it's not from lack of trying. i also watched the anime after finishing ch5, as it seemed like the most condensed way to get a refresher on the questions arc, and then skimmed through ch5 again and revisited a few key moments in prior chapters. so… what am i missing??

here are all my notes on all the deaths/mysteries so far (warning: very long, sorry):

CHAPTER 1 aside from the murders, the only supposedly supernatural thing we see in this chapter is the letter on the table in kinzo's room. natsuhi's theory that it was nanjo, genji, kumasawa or maria checks out, seeing as all four of them are suspicious for various reasons i'll be going over further below.

-rudolf, kyrie, shannon, krauss, rosa, gohda were found in the shed this one is a non-issue and just about anyone could've done it, but if i try to analyze this through the lens of my current strongest theory (which… isn't saying much!) that all the non-ushiromiyas are co-conspirators, the culprit behind these murders in particular could only be kanon. shannon and gohda are dead, which leaves genji, kumasawa and nanjo, but in chapter 4, lambdadelta tells us in red when talking about the first game that those three specifically are not killers, which leaves us with kanon alone.

-eva & hideyoshi were in their room, chained shut. eva on the bed, hideyoshi in the bath. both stabbed in the head as far as the red symbols appearing suddenly when they weren't there moments ago, kanon could be an unreliable pov?? here's what beato says about it: "both were killed by another person! it is not the case that, after the construction of the closed room, one of them committed suicide after committing murder! furthermore, the murder was carried out with both the victim and the perpetrator in the same room! no method exists for the perpetrator to commit murder from outside the room!" battler's theory here is that one of the dead people in the shed was actually a body double so one of the six victims was still alive and killed them, but beato later says "no body double tricks exist!" and to my understanding this would violate knox's 10th too, so this doesn't work. idk, i GUESS if we're going to the EXTREME of the unreliable narrator theory, kumasawa, kanon and genji could've just… lied about the chain?? meaning, the murderer cut the chain and THEN killed them both, or something like that. by the time battler arrives, the chain's already been cut, so we can't say for sure when that was done. i WILL say i DON'T like that at all. kinda feels like… what was the point of any of these scenes, then, if you can't guarantee that ANY of them were even real? who can say that the heartwarming, private conversation between eva and hideyoshi before they died was real, while we're at it?? plus, this story is a murder mystery, and the mystery posed by their deaths is "how were they killed if the door was chained shut?". this theory doesn't actually offer an explanation to that mystery, it simply means there was no mystery to begin with, which i find very disappointing. buuut it technically checks out so i'm writing it down here, i guess.

-kinzo in the basement as of the end of chapter 5 we have not been told where kinzo's corpse is being hidden, but you could probably narrow down the potential murderers to the people who know he's dead…? as in, i'm assuming they'd have the good sense to hide him Pretty Well, so i'm working under the assumption that whoever baked him already knew where his corpse was. so the people who know he's dead are natsuhi, krauss, nanjo, genji, shannon, kanon and kumasawa, and we don't really know when he was stabbed and baked, so as far as i'm concerned this could have been someone who's already dead at this point.

-kanon was by himself in the basement "all of the survivors have alibis! let us include the dead as well! in short, no kind of human or dead person on the island could have killed kanon", he did not commit suicide and he did not die in an accident. at times like these i just want to fall back on my "maybe it was scorpions or something" theory. "ohh but it violates the knox commandments, where were the clues that there were scorpions on the island?" to this i say people are always talking about how dangerous the forest is. perhaps because of… scorpions???? oh wait also the uhhhh… the scorpions everywhere, i guess. like, maria's pendants that "ward off magic", or kinzo's doorknob. i don't know. all of that was scorpion foreshadowing all along. actually, if i'm going to pursue this stupid animal theory, spiders might be a better bet. they much more clearly don't violate the knox commandments because of that scene in ch2 where shannon goes to the boiler room to find spiderwebs, confirming that there are spiders not only on the island, but even in the boiler room specifically. to be clear, this is 99% a joke, but i can't rule it out, because my "maybe the kinzo natsuhi talked to in episode 1 was an illusion" theory was also a joke, and look where we are now. upon further thought, another goofy theory that i guess doesn't contradict the red truths we were given, is that he didn't even actually die. to my knowledge, we didn't see his corpse (we definitely didn't in the anime, for what little that's worth lol), and were simply told by nanjo that he died. battler also says jessica was probably taking care of him until his death. because of other stuff that has happened and will happen in future games, nanjo's very suspicious, and jessica is… somewhat suspicious (mainly because she… doesn't really comment on the fact that she hasn't seen her grandpa, who lives in the same house as her, for well over a year. this really sticks out to me because she's NEVER been shown as one of the people who are "in on it". it's like whoever's telling you this story wants you to think she's not in on it, but if you think about it for just a second, how could she not be??), so it wouldn't surprise me too much if they both just… lied about his death. of course, nanjo could've lied to jessica as well, and she'd believe him, i'm sure, since she's not a doctor and he's a trusted friend of the family. i don't think this theory is nearly as damning of her as it is of nanjo. i'm way more satisfied with this explanation than with my 2nd twilight one, because the mystery posed here is "if everyone had alibis, who stabbed kanon?", and the solution remains the same regardless of whether or not nanjo was lying about his death, which is that he stabbed himself.

-kumasawa, genji, nanjo in the parlor while maria sang facing a wall it was confirmed in red by lambdadelta that kumasawa, genji and nanjo are not killers (which is… huge, by the way. she just gave us that for free? i'm not entirely sure what to make of it, though. does it only apply to the first game, or is it true of every game? for now i'm taking the conservative approach, because there have been times when something Big like this has been said in red and then whoever said it explicitly goes on to say "this applies to all games, not just the current one", but lambdadelta didn't bother doing this). beato said maria didn't kill them. everybody was confused about the phone working, but in subsequent games, we pretty much take for granted that internal phone lines are working fine, it's just the external line that won't work. so, obviously, genji, who said they weren't working, is extremely suspicious. anyway, i guess if you continue from the theory that kanon survived, he could've killed them… that's the only thing i can think of. of course, as for the door being locked, nobody ever even confirmed that there were only 5 master keys in game 1 or that all 5 were accounted for. that's not an issue.

-natsuhi died after this, from a gunshot wound on her head natsuhi was killed by another person, and the bullet is not from the gun she was holding. lambdadelta comments on this one later, and her exact wording is "the thing that shot natsuhi wasn't a trap, it was a real shooting murder with a gun raised and trigger pulled!" once again, i have to assume the kanon theory is correct, because i can't think of anything else. i really want to know what was in that letter, though.

CHAPTER 2 should i assume that the detective in chapter 2 isn't battler?? he sees kinzo (AND beatrice AND several magical things) at the end, so just like in ch5, he can't be our objective viewpoint, but then… who the hell is?? it can't be rosa, she saw beatrice turn golden butterflies into candy. and these two are the main people who play the detective role in this chapter… what's going on here lol anyway, this chapter also has a letter that showed up out of nowhere, but this one's a lot more confusing to me. all i can think of is that either rosa or maria put it on the table, or it was, like… glued to battler's shoe somehow and it just happened to come off when he rested his feet on the table, or rosa was… lying about all the windows being locked…… i don't know, mannnn, i think the winner out of all these weak theories is that maria put it there. kyrie says that the beatrice she saw was without a doubt the subject of the painting in the hall. that almost certainly can't be true, though. we know of everybody who's on the island and none of them look like beatrice. so… i'm assuming she's lying here. of course, i don't know what to make of rosa in this chapter. she seems really suspicious near the start, especially because she also claims to have met beatrice, but… i can't really fit her into my equation around the second half, and that's not even getting into what her motive could possibly be for teaming up with the servants. and you could say that's way too many people simultaneously keeping up the same lie, but… to my knowledge, chapter 4 was the same thing (even worse, actually), and battler explicitly tells us, it doesn't matter how many people say they saw something, that won't make what they saw real. the main thing i'm wondering about in this chapter is if any of these deaths could've been faked. they sure all looked dead to me, but there are quite a few deaths that weren't confirmed in red at any point.

-krauss, natsuhi, eva, hideyoshi, rudolf, kyrie all found in the chapel, which was locked this one is… completely baffling. there's so much weird stuff surrounding it, like the letter rosa got and was asked to read when all the siblings were present but we never find out the contents of, or the fact that we don't really see any of the actual family conference, but we get that weird scene of everybody in the chapel acknowledging beatrice's existence?? obviously since battler didn't see any of this firsthand, it could all be lies, but then… what's the point of any of it? why bother showing us any of that? in chapter 4, lambdadelta says "when the six were killed in the chapel, the culprit was inside the chapel!" and beato says "from the time maria received her key to the instant rosa unsealed the envelope the next day, the key passed through no one's hands!!" i think it's weird and suspicious that she didn't say this in chapter 2, but i can't think of an explanation as to why. anyway, we did get confirmation that they died in the chapel, rather than being carried there after being killed, which begs the question, What The Hell Were They Doing There? who knows?? if you want to be REALLY pedantic about the red, which… i always do, you could say this doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't used. like, what if they were wearing gloves or something when they held the key, i don't know. alternatively, "the next day" is pretty vague, so if rosa opened the envelope at, say, 1 am, at that point the key could pass through anybody else's hands (as long as they sealed the envelope again) without contradicting beato's red truths.

-jessica & kanon. jessica was found in her locked room with a knife in her back and kanon was never found beato confirmed that kanon died in jessica's room. as battler mentioned, this one's not a big deal. anyone with a master key could've done it and hidden kanon's corpse. shannon and genji's alibis were already shaky even back when i still thought kinzo was alive, but now that i know he's dead, i mean… they're at the top of the suspect list. i would lean towards shannon being behind this one, because they seemed to be pretty close friends, so the "stabbed in the back" aspect makes a little more sense than if it were genji. i also had the thought when first reading this chapter that, because nanjo was investigating jessica's corpse and he was asked to look for a key on her, he could've planted it there, but i don't know that this actually… helps me solve anything. ALSO i took note during my first reading that when rosa mentions protecting all the kids before finding jessica's corpse, she doesn't include jessica in her list of people she needs to protect, which is very odd, and something i can only make sense of if she already knew jessica was dead.

-nanjo & kumasawa had that whole thing where "kanon" killed them then they disappeared from the locked servants room what battler settles on here is that, like with kinzo, somebody inherited kanon's name, but thankfully, lambdadelta disproved this in red. that would've been too goofy, even for me. especially since his theory doesn't explain the actual… locked room?? the keys were all accounted for, man. anyway, as far as kanon showing up despite being confirmed as dead, i'm once again falling back on the unreliable narrator argument. maybe genji, shannon and gohda were just lying, no kanon-looking guy ever showed up in the first place. genji and shannon are pretty consistently suspicious, but gohda only occasionally seems to be in on it, most of the time he really looks like he's completely lost and doesn't really know anything. i don't know what his deal is. while we're accusing them of lying, let's go ahead and agree with rosa's theory. neither kumasawa nor nanjo were actually killed at this point, so they just… left the room, let one of the other three lock the door with their master keys, hid elsewhere, and were killed later and then found by genji. of course, they could've been killed and hidden elsewhere by the other three, too. whether they were dead or alive doesn't really change my theory that the other three are lying about the whole thing. i find it very funny how appalled battler is by rosa's heartless theories and how untrusting she is towards the non-ushiromiyas only for me to realize when revisiting this chapter that… most of her theories actually do check out…… i feel pretty stupid about this now, but when i'd just finished chapter 5, i thought the "it" in "without love, it cannot be seen" referred to "the true answer to the mysteries", but now i'm almost certain "it" is actually magic instead. so maybe this phrase really means that in order to reach the truth behind the magic, i need to completely disregard how much i like or care about the characters, and look at the real verifiable facts, regardless of how upsetting the conclusions i come to are. i guess the ocean WAS objectively gray on that cloudy day, huh… this does align with what happens in chapter 5, because if you think about the story objectively, it's easy to realize kinzo didn't actually tell natsuhi she's worthy of the family emblem, but i, personally, just kinda… ignored that fact and shrugged it off because i felt too bad for her. does this mean that it's just as cruel to solve these murders as it was for bernkastel to tell natsuhi that kinzo never liked her, then??

-gohda, george, shannon found in natsuhi's room. the door was locked george had natsuhi's key, and rosa had all servant keys. lambdadelta says "after the master keys came into rosa's control, never did any of them leave her hands! except for the time when she lent it to battler to unlock natsuhi's room." i didn't see anything that would deny a three-way murder in which all three of them sort of killed each other at the same time, or a double murder followed by a suicide, or something like that. it's not great, but it's all i have.

CHAPTER 3 the first thing that sticks out to me in this chapter is, of course, beatrice from 20 years ago speaking to kinzo (proven to be a real conversation by ronove) and rosa's story about meeting her and witnessing her death (the fact that she's dead is also said in red). unfortunately, i don't know what to do with this. the only people who would know about beatrice are the people who know about kuwadorian. of those, according to the boat guy from chapter 4, the ones that are alive in rokkenjima during these two days are genji, kumasawa and nanjo.

-genji, shannon, kanon, kumasawa, gohda and kinzo in the 6 locked rooms with keys linking them all six of them were confirmed dead by beatrice as soon as their discussion started. we know "the six people died instantly", they "were not killed by traps" and "none of the six people committed suicide". beato refused to say that all 6 deaths were murders, and later tried to say in red that none of them died in an accident, but ronove stopped her for strategic reasons. additionally, in chapter 4, beato says "all of them had wounds resembling gunshot wounds which became fatal!" so… before this was revisited in chapter 4, i was able to reach the conclusion that at the very least, if one of the 6 was the killer, it couldn't be kinzo (didn't have a master key, therefore couldn't have closed the loop) or kanon (had a master key, but was in the chapel, which can only be opened by the chapel key, therefore couldn't have closed the loop). from there, i figured if none of the deaths were accidents or suicides, all that's left is… natural causes, so either kumasawa or genji could've been the culprits and then just… died of old age while locked in one of the rooms. this WAS mostly a joke theory, but to my understanding, it's not that far from the ACTUAL truth, that she couldn't say all 6 were murders because kinzo died of old age over a year ago. …but this begs the question, what do i make of her saying "all of them had wounds resembling gunshot wounds which became fatal"?? is the implication here that kinzo actually WAS murdered, and the scene we're shown in ch5 right after he dies was a lie?? this raises so many more questions than it answers so i don't want it to be true, and of course, if it IS true, shouldn't beato have been able to say all 6 deaths were murders? uhh anyway though, battler ended up settling on one of the people who were alive planting one of the letters on the corpses, which i think is fair. eva hasn't found the gold yet, so she has no motive to kill anyone, much less the servants. therefore, nanjo is the most suspicious out of all the survivors at this point, not only because of how heavily involved he seems to be with other chapters' mysteries, but also because he's one of the few survivors who would know where to find kinzo's corpse, AND, like with jessica in chapter 2, planting a master key would be easiest for him, since he's in charge of checking if the victims are all dead. by the way it's extremely funny that it took me this long but i JUST noticed he's the only character aside from battler who's never died on the first twilight… what could this mean……

-rosa & maria found in the rose garden it is confirmed in red that both of them were dead. this murder's culprit was all but flat-out confirmed. eva snuck out the window to kill the only other person who knew about the gold and got hideyoshi to cover for her. ronove confused me by not saying that hideyoshi was in the guest room the whole time because it would lose him too many pieces…? i don't know what pieces he would lose by saying this, but whatever. we know who killed them.

-rudolf, kyrie & hideyoshi in the mansion ronove refused to say they were dead. yeah sure he makes some excuse about asking battler to accept beato as his opponent again instead of going up against ronove himself, but he can't fool me. if he didn't say it, he didn't say it. anyway, my current guess is that kyrie and rudolf confronted hideyoshi, they got into a big fight and ended up killing each other (this sort of mutual killing keeps popping up but i can't help it. it's all i have). i guess eva could've killed the three of them too. again, i have to approach all these murders as cold-heartedly as possible, so even though it would make me very sad if she killed her husband of all people, i have to consider the possibility, at least. if we take what we were shown at face value, it seems like he witnessed her killing rudolf and kyrie and got upset so she had to kill him. i will say, though, this doesn't entirely make sense to me, because he covered for her when she went out to kill rosa and a 9-year-old baby, so i don't know why these two murders would be any more objectionable to him than the first two??

-natsuhi & krauss found outside i don't think there's anything wrong with the assumption that eva killed them while everybody else was upstairs and carried their bodies outside.

-george also dies at some point in the mansion beatrice explicitly said he didn't go down the stairs of the guesthouse, so battler's theory that he left through a window and somebody locked it afterwards is all i have. because nanjo is the most suspicious currently living character and eva doesn't seem to bother making her kills look supernatural, i want to say he was the one who locked it…? eva could've been behind this one, too, but, like… why lol. she hates all her siblings and wants all the gold for herself so these other murders make sense, but she has nothing to gain from killing george, does she? he probably just killed himself after seeing his girlfriend's corpse.

-nanjo died while taking care of jessica oof, we got so much red text for this one… the tl;dr is that eva, battler and jessica are neither the culprits nor involved in his murder and everyone else is dead, but he was murdered directly by a human. battler's theory that one of the victims was actually still alive, killed nanjo, then somehow died themselves checks out. the deaths we got immediate confirmation of were genji, shannon, kanon, kumasawa, gohda, rosa and maria, so this culprit could have been natsuhi, krauss, rudolf, kyrie, hideyoshi or george, i'm pretty sure. gonna leap to conclusions here because it's all i can do, but because of the bank number on the wall that was in the letter sent to nanjo, kumasawa and ange, i'm going with rudolf or kyrie being behind nanjo's death. before dying, he mentions that he has a sick grandkid, which… may be connected to his motive somehow, i guess?

-eva killed battler like, we saw it. on screen.

CHAPTER 4 battler's very first line in the tea party… "i don't have a clue what to make of all this." man, join the club. at this point, i don't think it's a stretch to assume maria is somehow involved with the murders. i don't know what ange means when she says she gets the feeling that if she hadn't made fun of maria's magic, maybe this whole tragedy could've been avoided, and i get that she's like… a teen, and teens tend to be overly dramatic and blame themselves for everything, but there's also the handwriting in her journal written by "beatrice" that matches the handwriting in the message bottles. the thing about the bottled messages is, though, that battler most likely isn't aware of them, since they were only found way later, outside the time period of the game. i'm assuming this means i don't need to figure out what their deal is, since battler most likely didn't either (same thing with the letters sent on october 4th, while i'm at it). stuff outside of the game board aside, in this game, maria says kinzo gave her the umbrella, not beato. this is interesting to me mainly because in this very chapter beato tells us that "no person would mistake ushiromiya kinzo by sight", which most likely means… maria is straight up lying, on purpose. "ohh but what about battler's theory for the 1st twilight, that somebody inherited kinzo's position as family head and his name along with that" bro she's 9. how the hell are you going to logically prove in a meaningful way to a 9-year-old that you're kinzo now when you're not literally kinzo. not to mention how conveniently specific her phrasing is ("grandfather came and handed me an umbrella"), almost like… somebody asked her to say exactly that, imo. to be clear, i think it'd be really silly if maria were the one killing all these people. i'm just suggesting that she's allied with the culprits, who ask small favors of her, like "tell everybody beatrice (/kinzo) gave you this letter" or "put this letter on the table when nobody's looking". little stuff like that. one thing that stands out to me that i'm not sure i should be paying any mind to is that while in the dungeon, kanon and shannon talk about themselves as if they know they're pieces on a game board. i don't know what to make of this. at the end of the game, piece-battler finally actually meets piece-beato, but she's speaking to him from pretty far away, so she could reasonably be any of the women who are on the island in a convincing disguise, i guess. again, i can't narrow this down, because i can't say for sure that ANYONE except maybe kumasawa and gohda is dead when this happens. i also have no idea what battler's sin could be, nor do i know how he would've caused all these murders, or where to look for clues about any of this. as for the stuff about battler not being asumu's son, my current silly theory is a good old Baby Swap. he's actually kyrie's child, and asumu's child was the stillborn, but rudolf wanted to marry asumu, so he swapped the babies or something. and THEN there's beato's final riddle, "you are all alone on this island. and of course, i am not you. yet i am here, now, and will kill you. who am i?" and to that i say, i don't knooowwwwwww :( that's one of the main things i've been wondering since chapter 1! everybody dies by the end, even after the ritual ends!! i'm gonna use my Spiders card again, and also throw in a uhh Natural Disasters Can Kill People card. maybe the typhoon gets even worse, and that's why they can't even find the bodies, because they're blown away or something. i don't know dude finally, lambdadelta and bernkastel talk and lambda says beato's acting again, and noted that at the end only her right hand fell down. again, noooo idea whatsoever!!!!

-natsuhi, rudolf, eva, hideyoshi, rosa, genji died during the family conference man what happened here… chapter 4 is frustrating because we get very little red text related to the murders throughout and most of battler's information is received from 3rd parties over the phone. beatrice says "all of those who met at the family conference recognized the existence of kinzo!" and what we got from the discussion around this first twilight is that maybe somebody inherited kinzo's name, which… does not help me personally solve any of these mysteries. also seeing the way these people act in all the other chapters makes it very hard to believe EVERYBODY there would UNANIMOUSLY acknowledge anyone as the next head, so i'm pretty skeptical of this explanation. chapter 5 proves that krauss and natsuhi won't acknowledge anybody but themselves, and the other siblings are ok with anybody but those two. what's weird though is that when lambdadelta lists all the ways in which battler was wrong, she doesn't say anything about this. puzzling. or, like… maybe they just hauled out his corpse. yes, this also seems out of character, but everybody there could've recognized the existence of kinzo, as a corpse, who was dead. if there's anything supernatural to disprove here, it's the portals that transported the survivors, i guess, because as far as the murders go, those could've been anyone, and they could've taken place at any time before battler went around investigating. i don't know what to make of the "trap door" theory, but i think trap doors would count as secret passageways so i'm denying their existence. thanks, knox. so all that remains is that, once again, everybody who survived just… lied about all that, i guess. kuwadorian is pretty far, and the cousins had very recently gone back to the guest house, so these five characters having been headed towards kuwadorian earlier in order to make it there by around 10:10 seems unrealistic. nanjo's part of this group so they COULD'VE gotten there, but there's no guarantee or need or anything. all i can do at this point is assume those 5 called the cousins from the main house, i guess. among the 5 survivors, nanjo, shannon and kanon are pretty suspicious, and kyrie's slightly suspicious because of the letter with the bank information, but krauss…… krauss just seems like a man stumbling through life to me, so even though he knows kinzo's dead he's pretty low on my suspect list. if we're going back to rosa's wolf & sheep puzzle, there would be more wolves than sheep here, so i guess they just threatened him and forced him to say what they wanted him to say…??

-jessica in her room after calling battler and george outside so… we got exactly zero red text pertaining to these murders, which is very frustrating, and battler's only theory for them was to just blame person x, who we know doesn't exist. while investigating, battler mentions that it's weird that jessica knew george was dead, but i don't see how this is an issue. we don't have a clear timeline of events here at all and most of our information comes from people who aren't battler, who are all unreliable narrators, but my most reasonable guess (i have stupider ones) is that somebody killed george, brought some kind of proof with them to jessica's room, beat her up, made her call battler and then killed her. also, jessica going through all the trouble of calling battler just to insist that magic is Totally Real Bro, Trust Me is pretty suspicious, but she did actually die. i don't know, man. and, of course, because i'm positing that everybody who was trapped in the dungeon was lying about that, and we don't know when anybody died, this could've been just about anyone. should i assume it's genji, because ronove was the one who administered the test?

-kanon finally some red text! beatrice confirmed while battler was investigating that kanon was the first person in that group of 5 to die, and the 9th person in general to die! hooray! she did this because battler didn't find his corpse and wanted to pin the blame on him. that is a very helpful hint (as far as hints about chapter 4 go, i mean), but we don't have a reliable timeframe for any of this, plus we're not told explicitly which 8 people died before him. we're led to believe it was the 6 in the parlor + jessica & george, but it could've been the first 6 + kumasawa & gohda, or 4 people from the parlor + jessica & george + kumasawa & gohda, or whatever else. anyway, there's nothing potentially supernatural about it to disprove. it could've been just about anyone.

-shannon, nanjo, krauss they supposedly die soon after. obviously, since kyrie supposedly survived the longest and made a really weird phone call to battler about the culprits Definitely Being Witches, So Please Don't Even Think There's Anything Else Going On Here, she's my number one suspect for these.

-kyrie she dies by the phone, presumably the one she called battler from. we didn't really get any death confirmations until way at the end of the chapter, so this could've been anybody who was presumed dead. i'm having a really hard time narrowing these ch4 deaths down… again, this was a very frustrating chapter.

-kumasawa and gohda they were found in the locked shed. they were both shot in the head and hanged so that their feet still touched the ground. gohda had the only key to the shed in his pocket. i feel like the LEAST battler could've done was talk about their deaths at ALL with beato. blaming it on a culprit x doesn't explain anything at all. i'm kinda mad that he didn't, AND that beato let him get away with that. so here are my stupid theories regarding these two murders: -gohda handed the key to the murderer (for reasons unknown), who then killed them both and arranged their corpses. the culprit then locked the shed and placed the key back in gohda's pocket from the window, using, like, a fishing rod or something. we don't know when they died, so they could have been let out of the shed, killed some people, gone back in, then gotten killed; -same as the above, but the culprit made a copy of the key after receiving it, then put the original back in gohda's pocket before locking it again with the copy; -the killer forced them to tie their own nooses then shot them both through the window; -this is my wildest and wackiest one, but maybe it was kanon, and he'd been hiding in the shed until battler opened it, and died somehow before beato confirmed his death. battler found everybody but kanon before opening the shed, so if anyone WERE hiding in the shed, it'd have to be kanon. also, we only get confirmation that kanon died AFTER battler finds all the other corpses, including kumasawa and gohda. because kanon was the 9th to die, he either died while hidden in the shed, or several of the bodies battler found were just playing dead.

-kinzo's baked again zero information. he could've been baked at any point.

-maria dies at the end obviously my best guess is suicide, even though battler says crossing the arms of the dead is something the living usually do for the dead, not something you would do yourself before dying. she's a little kid so i want to say… alcohol poisoning? we do know there's a lot of alcohol in the house. she finds her mom dead, ingests a ton of alcohol and lies next to her to die. no clue what happened at the chapel.

CHAPTER 5 a complete outlier!! it's not written by beato OR told from battler's pov!! they were EXTREMELY generous with hints here, but unfortunately, it still wasn't enough. i'm guessing we're supposed to look for differences in what battler's seeing in this game compared to the ones where he's the objective viewpoint, but i… could not find any haha… erika's introduction really highlights how suspicious it is that nobody was willing to say "there are EXACTLY 17 people on the island" last game, or exactly 18 in this one, but i don't know what to make of this. "no more than 18" back when we didn't know kinzo was dead made sense, battler never saw the guy (except that one time in ch2, but again, i don't know what to make of that), but he's… seen the remaining 17 people…… what with all the chess talk, it would make sense for there to be only 16 pieces on the board, but… how?? it's pretty clear to me that battler being the baby natsuhi killed who's back for revenge doesn't… actually… make any sense. we are told in this very game that although the pieces are controlled by the players, they can't take actions that those pieces realistically wouldn't take themselves, and because battler clearly didn't even know that he wasn't asumu's son, there's no way he could realistically know about any of that stuff with the baby. unfortunately, knowing this doesn't help me solve this game at all, though. as for weird supernatural things with no clear explanation, there's the knock on the door during the family conference. we got a lot of extremely restrictive red text about it, but… at no point do they say that there really was a knock. is this an unreliable narrator puzzle again… erika wasn't there, so did they simply lie to me about there being a knock on the door…… i'm gonna be SO mad if this is the answer. i would also like to mention that natsuhi says shannon is the only person who knows her favorite season. while i do find shannon suspicious, i don't think this is 100% damning of her. if i were the guy on the phone and had somebody on the inside who could secretly put stuff in natsuhi's room, my strategy would be to hide four cards, each with a different season, in different corners of her room. then once she says it's autumn i check my notes and see that autumn should be under the clock so i'd be like "yeah, i knew all along ;) check… under your CLOCK ;)". it's a very simple magic trick, and magic's what umineko's all about lol… they even went through the trouble of showing us jessica talking to battler on the phone, like, moments before, and even though nobody in-game acknowledges it, they're… literally voiced by the same guy. of course, because erika isn't in any of these scenes, i don't even know if the phone guy is real in the first place. maybe there was never a card that said autumn in her room, man. who knows. anyway,

-jessica, george, maria and rosa were killed in the cousins' room. they disappeared from there soon after battler discovered them we got in red that neither natsuhi nor krauss are the culprits, and the seven sisters tell us in red that their bodies were not moved after their deaths. if that's the case, i really can't think of a theory aside from battler's, that they were still alive and they sneaked out themselves after everybody left. so… first off, beatrice said in red way back in chapter 2 that she would keep her promise, referring to calling off the ritual if somebody solved the riddle. essentially, beato promises that whoever sent the letters and was behind everything will stop killing, but the question remains if this promise is still in play now that she's no longer the game master. without knowing the answer to this question, it's very difficult to say who the culprit is in chapter 5. on a related topic, is it in any way relevant that the only game in which the cousins die on the first twilight is the one that's not written by beato? is that, like, an unwritten rule she has for her games for some reason that lambdadelta didn't pick up on? of course, it could just be that they all slept in the same room as battler in previous games so they would've been harder to kill. anyway, the witnesses who supposedly saw the bodies were battler, rudolf, kyrie, eva, hideyoshi and nanjo. i guess battler's theory would require all of them to be in on it, which is… a really weird group.

-genji died in his room. the door was sealed they spend, like… zero time thinking about this one. poor genji (i say before accusing him of murder). all we get in red is that after his death, his body was never moved. anyway, i'm assuming we're meant to follow the same logic here, meaning that he was never dead in the first place, and that because erika didn't see the intact seal be broken herself, we should assume kanon and kumasawa are lying? also, though, to my understanding, erika only sealed the guest house, not the main mansion, and i don't remember anybody checking genji's windows.

-krauss also died nobody found his corpse, but we do know that he died soon after natsuhi heard his voice on the phone, and that his body was also never moved after his death. once again, there's nothing supernatural to disprove about this one. however, because he had to be somewhere with a phone, and erika thoroughly investigated the mansion when she proved kinzo couldn't have been anywhere but in natsuhi's bed, i'm assuming he called from kuwadorian, so whoever kidnapped him has to be one of the few people that we know are aware of the hidden mansion…?? it's kind of a leap of logic, but i want to narrow it down. anyway, like i've said before, the people who know and are alive on the island are genji, nanjo and kumasawa. if we keep going with this and consider the fact that the secret mansion is fairly far away, it's most realistic for genji to be behind this, because the other two are accounted for most of the time.

-hideyoshi died in a guest room he had chained shut. natsuhi was in the room when this happened again, we do have in red that natsuhi is not the culprit, so this is the most supernatural one. how about this: erika tried to open the closet in the room but was stopped by battler, so we don't actually know if natsuhi was really in there in the first place. this is something that yet again took me way too long to notice, but this is the most literal 1:1 metaphor you could get for schrodinger's cat, which is kinda fun. as in, natsuhi MIGHT be in there, but until erika opens the closet, you'll never know for sure. so maybe somebody else was hiding in the closet, and they killed hideyoshi instead. namely, one of the victims, who had no alibi. let's go ahead and accuse genji and keep his killing streak going. it IS ridiculous, but to my knowledge, it works?? what's kinda weird about his death is that he's listed in the credits as having died on the first twilight, along with the other 6. how come though……

FINAL THOUGHTS

-even though the non-ushiromiyas are by far the most suspicious, i have no clue who THE mastermind could be, plus i don't really have any concrete motives for any of them, much less ones that align with the cryptic stuff they've been hinting at that these murders are a message meant for battler because of his "sin". basically, even though i have whodunnit and howdunnit theories for a couple of specific murders, most of them could've been multiple different people, and i don't have any real whydunnits. -i do see how the pov's credibility could be a powerful weapon, but it's kind of a double-edged sword, because… if you can only believe what the detective directly saw, that leaves you with very little. viewing this story through this very strict lens really gets in the way of how multi-faceted and complex these characters have been shown to be, because the only "persona" of theirs i can trust is how they act around battler. this especially sticks out to me in regards to eva. i really like her relationship with hideyoshi as it's been presented in its entirety, but because she's only affectionate in private, i'm essentially being told not to believe she cares about him all that much, which makes me really sad lol… hell, not even flashbacks can be taken as truth, so how am i supposed to realistically guess the motives behind these murders?? -i have noooo ideaaaaa about all the stuff virgilia said about beato having nothing to gain from somebody solving the epitaph, or that there's only meaning in the epitaph alongside the murders, or battler completely changing how he thinks of her after reaching the truth. again, what sorts of clues am i looking for?? -anyway, it's probably obvious to anyone who reads all this but i don't usually try to solve murder mysteries haha, i'm always just along for the ride, but i've never been asked this directly by the author to solve it myself, so i wanted to try my best. i'm stuck though, and i've been thinking so much about it i'm pretty sure it's ruining my brain. sometimes someone in real life will tell me something about themselves and my first thought is "unreliable narrator, i didn't see it happen so i can't be sure it did" lmao… i'll take whatever help i can get

[michverdun]

Well, In the few months since Hadi Choopan's Mr. Olympia win, there have been no signs of him, or explanations from any official about the odd growth that occurred directly after his win. However, new information has added more to the confusion, namely that Hadi wasn't the only one who was growing.

In the confusion surrounding his upset win and the growth that followed, nobody seemed to notice, but soon after it became clear that all of the competitors in the Men's Open category were growing at incredible rates. Some have kept their growths well documented, but almost all of them have declined to talk about the situation, for fear of being considered a cheater. That is, until I was able to interview one of the competitors, provided he is kept anonymous. The contents of that interview are transcribed here.

Q: Hello. First, I just wanted to thank you for letting me interview you about this, it's very much appreciated. When do you remember the growth first occurring?

A: Hey, no problem man, it's nice to explain what I know. It was right when they were announcing placements for the top guys. I didn't place, but I still wanted to support the guys who did, so I was out in the crowd. I felt this like... dull heat? I started sweating really badly, and next think I knew I had like... the best pump I've ever had, but it wouldn't go down.

Q: Did it ever go down? And did it feel painful in any way?

A: No to both of those. I feel just constantly pumped now, and it feels good. Almost too good.

Q: Many people have claimed to noticed the growth correlating to the placement of the competitors. Has this been the case for you?

A: Kinda? I mean, I'm not as big as the top guys, like Derek or Nick, or even close to whatever Hadi looks like by now, but I'm growing faster then some of the guys who placed, and there's some other guys who didn't place who are growing crazy fast.

(Image Description: Derek Lunsford posing a couple of months after Mr. Olympia 2022. While he has not disclosed his current weight, he has grown considerably since the contest.)

Q: Do you have any examples of non-placing competitors like that? that would really put a wrench in the leading theory.

A: I mean, if you look at Antoine right now, he fucking massive! He's almost 500 pounds now, which puts him above even some of the higher placing guys.

(Note: Antoine did not place during the 2022 Mr. Olympia competition. In a recent Instagram post he posted that he was "512 pounds and still growing.")

Q: Have there been any issues in your life because of all this?

A: Physically, my doctor says I'm the healthiest I've ever been. I've heard of some guys being accused of cheating, but I never got that, plus once it was clear everyone was growing that died down. I guess the biggest issues was buying new clothes. Not many places carry 6XL. Honestly, I kind of hope I never stop growing. I got into bodybuilding to get huge.

Q: Last question, do you have any ideas to why this might have happened?

A: I'm inclined to believe it was some weird coincidence. Like, I can't think of someone who would want all of the guys competing to get crazy huge, and I'm sure the IFBB is a shitshow right now trying to explain it. Yeah, it seems like it was something random, or something trying to be nice. Whatever did it though, I'd thank them for this.

Q:Well, thank you for your time, and I hope that this growth spurt works out well for you.

A: No problem man, and don't worry, even with everyone else growing crazy, I promise I'm gonna be the biggest. they're gonna be using my chest as a billboard when I'm done.

While my interview didn't illuminate much about the actual cause of this event, It did clue me in to the thoughts and feelings of someone who was affected by this. Hopefully we'll her more from the men who grew that night, including from Hadi himself when he finally posts again.

EDIT: Hadi just posted on his Instagram for the first time since the competition. The post consisted of a video in which Hadi slowly walks over to what seems to be a heavy-duty bathroom scale, and the scale quickly errors out and breaks underneath him, which he then gives a thumbs up to the camera he is holding. He keeps himself out of the camera for the most part, but the parts that can be seen clearly show that he is incredibly muscled, even compared to his hypermuscular counterparts. It is also important to mention that the specific kind of bathroom scale he stepped on maxes out at 650 pounds. Underneath his post he wrote a quick caption, and translated it reads "don't worry, I'll be getting much bigger."

It seems that no matter what happens, 2023's Mr Olympia competition is going to be incredibly big, in more ways than one.

[passportinspection]

Remake (from memory) of this. Gordon and Borrower!Barney hanging out in Gordon's room. Poster suggestions welcome. :>

Extremely long rant about this thing's creation under the cut.

aaaAAAUUUGGGHHH okay. So imo this poster is kind of a mess and I'm not happy with the lighting at all, but if I work on it for a single second longer I will simply cry.

So there's a gordon model on the sfm workshop that has outfits like the one above, and I was quite determined to make this in gmod, so I had to learn how to port ragdolls from sfm to gmod. You'd think this would be a fairly easy task - they're both source, after all, and there are tutorials - but it was a multiple-weeks-long journey of roadblocks followed by breakthroughs followed immediately by additional roadblocks. There was vital knowledge not in the tutorials. And I didn't fully succeed, anyway - the above image is his sfm body with his gmod head so so so carefully aligned to it in-game (there is a whole additional invisible gordon body in this image). If I wanted to put him in a different pose, I would have to re-align his head. Which is, like... way harder than it has any right to be. Sooo much harder. And that's with the "reference" head I have - like, okay, sfm-gordon's body does have a head attached, but the issue is that it doesn't have the correct facial posing. So I use it as a reference for placing gmod-gordon's head. I know why getting a functioning sfm-gordon head in gmod is harder than than the rest of him (or at least I think I do), and I think I know what I need to do to make it happen (though it will sacrifice a bit of his sfm-level complexity), but I don't yet know how, and at this point spending like 2 hours getting his head aligned juuuust right in-game is so much less time and effort than figuring out how to do that, so... Later, I'll figure it out. Maybe.

But yeah, there was a hell of a lot of very frustrating trial-and-error involved in that whole process because it's very difficult to find resources for a lot of stuff unless you already have the knowledge to know what to look for.

And that was my first trial.

I liked this desk model the best, but it didn't have a bumpmap, so I generated one for it, which made me feel very fancy and tech-proficient, but really all I had to do was open up the texture in vtfedit and click "generate normal map" or whatever. Oh, yeah, I'd been looking into porting models from sketchfab and such into gmod for a while, off-and-on, a while back (and dabbled a tiiiny bit in map-editing too), so the knowledge from then definitely helped me a lot. I probably wouldn't have gotten this poster done if it wasn't for that, because at that point it would have all been too arcane and overwhelming.

But yeah, you can't even actually see anything but the top of the desk, so I could have just chosen a good texture and used a rectangle instead, and the bumpmap is barely visible in this poster, lol.

Then there's the mousepad. It's a re-textured street sign, by the way. :) I put an absurd amount of effort into that too. I got the black mesa logo off google, but the large majority of the effort to turn it into a mousepad involved messing with the texture with tedious in-game tools.

Then, that book, I got it off a free 3d models website, because I didn't like any of my already-available options. I had to learn a bit about UV maps through trial and error in blender to get it to work right, because nothing is easy. That's the first time I've ever actually ported a non-source object into gmod, so that's cool. (Gordon being the first time I've ever ported something at all. To my recollection, anyway...?) Oh, and I had to learn about how to convert a more modern texture format into valve's obsolete one. That involved being subjected to sights like this:

Thank you, developer.valvesoftware.com. (Though really, this part wasn't that hard. I ignored the scary math(?) and it was fine.)

Next was the mug. All the mug models I had were not smoothly circular enough for me (Or I think maybe there was one or two, but I really didn't like their shape either way). They were quite obviously made of a few flat planes arranged into a circle-ish shape, and that just wouldn't do. So I went and found another free 3d model, slapped the black mesa logo on it, and put it in gmod. I... Did not consider how much more complex it would be as something intended for 3d art / ads rather than video games; I think it has more vertices than Gordon, LOL. It's not so many that it actually lags the game, so it doesn't really matter, but I do find it funny.

And then those papers! I remembered that letter sent to Gordon from the PS2 Half-Life case had a coffee mug stain on it, and I wanted it on the table, but, remembering how much of a pain it was to make the mousepad, I opted to actually create my own models for them this time. They're just rectangles, after all, so it's not like the modeling part was going to be a challenge.

Well, it wasn't a challenge, really, but it did take quite a bit longer than I had expected, partially since I had to muddle through stuff I only sort of had an understanding of. Anyway, it took like, an hour and a half, or two hours? I finally get it into the game, and as I'm putting it on the table, I realize... The coffee stain is in black and white. OTL

So. I put the other page on top. Sad. I mean, I could have just added a free in-color coffee-stain png to the texture somewhere, but. *Gestures.* I had expended too much energy so far to be in the mood to do that.

And this barney model... It is cursed somehow. Or it hates me. The more you pose it, the more resistant it becomes to being posed. The posing tools just.. don't do what you ask them to do after a certain point. So I wasn't super happy with the pose but it was good enough. ToT Originally I wanted to post 3 posters with them in different poses as if they were having a conversation, but yeah, I am not posing that Barney any more, lol. It may have been the fault of the tool I used to make him Small, I'm not sure. Will need further testing.

And THEN.

I take 18 different lightbounce renders, writing down the settings I used and whatever I did differently each time, trying to feel out the tool and find a render I really like. (Last time I kinda just did whatever and settled on an early render I liked without really bothering to figure it out much). At render #18, I get one I'm happy with, so I throw it into GIMP and- oh, now it looks different and bad. Wtf. I try a different image editing program and the same thing happens. I google the issue and decide it probably has to do with some crappy default windows color settings getting imported into the program along with the image, and decide I'll go to bed and deal with that tomorrow. (Oh, yeah, I kept staying up way too late thinking I'd just finish the poster before I went to bed, but never finishing it...)

But no! As I find out the next day from more googling and experimentation, it turns out the windows photo app auto-"enhances" your photos. I'd been judging the renders by how they looked in the app this whole time, so the way it looks in GIMP is how it actually looks. All that experimentation on what looks best the night before... Done on the basis of how they looked after windows "enhanced" them without me knowing.. OTL

And so today I do some more lightbounce render experimentation. I try again and again, but I can't get it to look the way I was able to make it look before, even accounting for the auto-"enhancement". No clue what I did different that night, but okay. So I settle for the way the renders have decided to look tonight, and try to get one that I like the best out of the options it's giving me, but... This tool was created by arcane wizards. This tool is a wild, untamed beast. Even in the same session, I'll be like, "How did I do that and how do I make it happen again." Eventually I kind of gave up and just worked with the most inoffensive one I could generate. I suspect this tool wasn't designed with such small scenes in mind.

The main light source render - well, i hardly experimented with it, because I just wanted to be done with this freakin' thing already.

Anyway, that's... most of it. How long has it been? Like a month? And I was working on this nearly every day. All just for this thing. But it consumed me, man. I couldn't focus on anything else.

Maybe now I can do other things... Like I said, I'm really not happy with the lighting, but I'm so excited to just put this behind me. orz Hopefully my dissatisfaction doesn't turn into an un-ignorable need to keep fiddling with it. I refuse. I refuse! I am doing something else now!

Oh, however! In the process of all that, I may have found out a way to be able to facepose resized-barney, something as-of-yet impossible for me. Still have to try it out. Exciting stuff...

[treasureplcnet]

do you have any drawing tips? i'm just starting out and your style inspires me to keep going fr!!

HIYA !!! thank you that is so kind of you, i would say to keep drawing with references and do studies!! typically art studies (in like art school lol) are of old masters (da vinci, etc) but doing studies of styles that you like, like trying to copy a certain artist you like, also helps you develop skills !!

for example, lots of people (especially fanartists lol) do studies of artists like leyendecker while making the models their favorite characters/ocs, so it helps to make studies fun. literally look up leyendecker study on tumblr dot com and you will see hundreds.

(gets a bit long and rambly so i've thrown it under the cut :')

style studies can be anything! above was done while watching wolfwalkers, just loose sketches that copied the style as the movie went along. i love the design and style in that film, wanted to incorporate it in my character design work, so i tried it out myself! it let me know the kinds of shapes used in the construction, the way it moves (wrt to animation) and silhouettes. by copying something, you learn how to do it on the way (so the kinds of colors used, what works best with shading, etc) it's like. reverse engineering

even very loosely copying something to identify what you like about the style helps! these were modelled after the way slimsense on ig paints (her work is 2nd + 4th examples below, my attempts at 'paint' 1st and 3rd lol), but doesn't really look like her work. i'm not necessarily trying to make perfect copies. i liked that her paint didn't blend perfectly, was blocky, and the additional lineart over the painting, so i brought that into my own art. i tried to create a painting style that was 'my own' off of lots of trial and error, and seeing what stuck!

also find brushes you like! adobe has a bunch on their page (if you have photoshop, but i know there's some for procreate and other programs) and if you want the adobe brush files, lmk. i will send a drive link to you LOL (sketches of the same characters, using different brushes below. the two i used the most often, one being a solid inker and the other being a paintbrush)

generally doing figure drawing is good too. i've heard advice about art where you can only start breaking the rules after you understand them, and a good grasp on anatomy, proportions, etc is definitely a good place to start! good sites to use for this are line of action for poses, and the morpho books (if you need pdfs of this let me know, though you should be able to find them if you look lol) !

i would also say learn perspective early on. i have no tips for you here i am so sorry. i didn't and now it bites me in the ass, but there has to be a youtube tutorial for this out there that can help you AND me. same goes for color theory. quickly dropping my favorite van gogh quote of all time:

(quote is from a letter to his brother) just everyone needs the fundamentals first. don't worry about a personal style: that just comes naturally as you develop as an artist, and i was certainly inspired by a lot of the things i watched/consumed and artists i admired which absolutely shows in my work i think (manet. western comics. fma. avatar. pjo fanart. there are tells. you know how it is.)

also flip your canvas !!! like see below ... frankly this marcille is so lopsided (her entire face should shift to the left) LOL !! flipping horizontally makes the anatomy mistakes obvious, and shows you you what you need to fix. i should never have posted this as is but sometimes it works for humor and an artist is lazy </3

AND ALWAYS USE REFERENCES WHEN YOU CAN!! i should use more references tbh!!! it helps with posing, getting anatomy correct, etc, and my friends use pinterest a lot, though i tend to just google when i need to LOLLL

also draw what you like. there is genuinely nothing that is better for your art than getting into something REALLY BAD and then non stop drawing it. time + practice will lead to improvement no matter what the subject is!

i hope this was not too much information all at once !!! and some of it is helpful!!! it's a lot of basic improvement tips that i try to practice and use when i can :) so sorry that this got so long!!!!

[kokorolinkrun]

Why the poster for "Dick Figures: The Movie" is so good

Okay, I've done enough Meguca-posting for the time being. It's time to analyse Dick Figures stuff again!

INTRODUCTION

As all of us probably know, the early 2010s web series "Dick Figures" had a movie that was released back in 2013 (almost ten years ago now, yeesh...) simply called "Dick Figures: The Movie".

I'm sure all of us already know by now, but for those who don't: Funded through Kickstarter, the movie focuses on Red and Blue as they go on a quest to find the Great Sword of Destiny so Blue will be able to get the perfect gift for Pink's birthday.

I've already done some posts related to the movie in the past, but I want to focus on one specific thing today: The poster.

Now, I honestly always really liked this poster: The layout, the vibe, the colours, the characters' expressions/poses, the shading, everything. It just fills me with some form of strange emotion that I can't describe.

That said, though... I've been thinking it through lately, so I decided to try and break this poster down to figure out just why it's so great - which is exactly want I want to talk about today!

CHARACTERS

When you look at the poster, the first thing you notice are the characters - and for good reason. Not only do they look at their best here, but each pose and expression fits their personalites just about perfectly!

Red has a cocky open smile while looking like he's about ready to fight, his pose itself showing he's basically a master at kung-fu.

Blue, on the other hand, looks more determined as he holds the Great Sword of Destiny, his pose seeming more calm.

Lord Tourettes is his usual, bubbly self with a bright smile on his face, kind of looks like he's leaping a bit.

Pink is looking up at Blue, showing that they're both boyfriend and girlfriend. She's also holding the sacred lotus from the end of the movie.

Stacy, similarly, is looking up at Red, showing that they're also boyfriend and girlfriend. However, she's holding alcohol (both in bottle and can form), showing that she and Red are also...y'know.

Broseph, of course, is just showing off and flexing his non-existent muscles. What more can I say?

Captain Crookygrin is doing a salute, showing that he's a pilot.

Mr. Dingleberry is just Mr. Dingleberry. Not much to say here.

In the background, the Takagami demon ninjas seem to be closing in, all of them having different poses.

At the very front of all of them, peeping up from the logo is the Raccoon. He's basically the one that helped initiate Red and Blue's quest, so it only makes sense for him to be where he is.

BACKGROUND

At the very back, we can see the map from the movie that Red and Blue use during their quest, which takes up the whole background.

Alongside that, there's also fire in the background, which basically fits the whole Dick Figures vibe perfectly - as well as being weirdly reminiscent of the poster for the South Park movie (which makes sense, since they're both animated movies aimed at adults. But that doesn't stop many younger people from enjoying them anyways, so...):

Finally, there's homages to the three locations Red and Blue end up in during their quest: The mountain (where they find the handle of the sword) represents Japan, the Eiffel Tower (where they find the blade of the sword) obviously represents France, and the ground itself seems to represent the mountain behind Red and Blue's hometown (where the gem of the sword is hidden).

Also, I noticed something pretty cool a few days back: On Red's side of the poster, there seems to be blue lighting - while on Blue's side of it, there's red lighting. I find that really neat!

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, this poster is raw as all heck. It's probably one of my all-time favourite movie posters, right up there with the posters for Madoka Magica Rebellion (which actually came out the same year this movie did, coincidentally enough) and Sonic 2 (I honestly really like all three main posters, but I had to choose only one):

Honestly, it's just absolutely insane how much detail went into this poster, especially since it's for a movie about literal stick figures of all things. Then again... Putting my last two analyses related to the movie in mind, I shouldn't really be surprised.

Even despite the fact most of the characters are just coloured stick figures (alongside the fact all of the backgrounds in the actual movie are just shades of grey), you can just tell the people working on the movie put a lot of effort into it: From the animation itself, to the backgrounds, to how the characters are fleshed out from the original web-series, to even the music. Both Ed Skudder and Zack Keller were absolutely determined on making something that the fans would adore, and it payed off big-time.

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

🎼🍻🎨📚🥺 (for the ask thing :)

Ohohohooo so many 🤩🤩🤩

🎼Song/Music you associate with Star Trek

Since you have treated me to lots of emojis I shall treat you to lots of songs. I put together a lottt of playlists for fics. This one, from Universe to Mend has songs I vibed with for Q, and various Janeways. This one was for Edens Deception with lots of songs (lyrics and non lyrics) I was vibing with for Janeway and Chakotay angst fest. This one - an Unbroken playlist. But most of it I realize now falls into the "getting into Lon Suder's head" category of songs. With a few for the other characters too if you can guess who applies to each ;).

🍻Quarks or Ten Forward

While I think Quark would be extremely entertaining, especially if Odo was around, I could never pass up the opportunity to hang out with Guinan.

🎨ST Fanart

I said Alice and Baylie have done most of them and so now you've asked again I want to gush about the piece I got commissioned from @maliciousalice.

I've definitely posted before about parallels between Kathryn Janeway and Sailor Moon and their themes (The Guilt, the Commitment to ideals in the face of devastating odds, the time travel. The damsel in distress pilled prince/first officer. The self sacrificial instincts. The overcoming fear, death, and time vibes. And so I asked for the main pair from Sailor Moon in the Voyager uniforms, and oh my goodness Alice went above and beyond. the Brooch/Combadge details. The broken pocket watch parallel. The cute posing. Gaahhhhh I am in love.

📚ST Fic

Two series really stand out to me for the time and dedication that the authors involved put into them. Talking Stick/Circle by Peg and Little Otter (Macedon) and Voyager Virtual Season 7.5.

🥺Favorite Behind the Scenes Picture

It's actually a moment in the episode but I adore the BtS explanation for it.

During Waking Moments

"Tim Russ (for the filming of the scene wherein Tuvok seemingly finds himself naked on the bridge) had the makeup department mold a ridiculously large physical appendage that the actor wore on to the set, where – upon Russ removing his dressing gown to reveal that he was wearing the molded attribute instead of underwear – the entirety of the cast and crew broke out laughing." - Trekcore

[finderedacted]

i have no idea what the convention is for posting fanfiction on this website is, but i've decided to share something i'm working on (something i can't get out of my head) here before it ends up on AO3. i'd love to hear what people think.

WIP - proofread but may have some consistency errors for now

working title: Usually (part 1 of ?)

rating: Mature content includes: descriptions of violence, references to trauma and abuse, references to sex, mentions of blood (typical of BG3), BG3 spoilers word-count (this part): 2,451 words summary: this is what happens when Astarion and Caorann break from their routines of fucking and feeding sometimes and start having feelings - it's difficult.

context notes: i'm writing this to explore the dynamic of Astarion and my character from my first full-release BG3 playthourgh. Caorann /kɯːrəN/ ("koo-run") is a goody two-shoes half-elf druid who finds themselves having to become shrewder and meaner to survive and deal with the tadpole and the Absolute while balancing that with their moral compass. i specifically built them to look a bit more mature, thank you to the maturity slider in BG3 character creation. imagine a green-haired light-skinned non-binary person who looks like they're in their mid-late thirties, with a messy ponytail and kind but weary eyes, and you have what you need.

below the cut are the first two parts of whatever this is becoming.

---

Usually, when Astarion is done with his night-time feed on Caorann, he doesn’t linger. He is an imperfect gentleman – he stays to clean the wounds on Caorann’s neck, and to make sure they’re not suffering too much from the now-routine blood loss. But he usually leaves quickly afterwards, creeping into the night to seek a more filling quarry.

There’s usually a set routine. Caorann lets Astarion know he can feed on them tonight, and then he comes to them quietly in the night after everyone else in the camp is fast asleep. Caorann lies down and makes themselves comfortable, Astarion bites their neck and drinks just enough, and the transaction is complete with little fuss.

Usually.

Tonight should be no different. After the bite and the ceremonial clean-up, Caorann is doing their customary final checks on the neck wound, assuming Astarion has already disappeared into the darkness for his meal; they’re sleepy and off-guard so it’s perhaps a moment longer than they’d like before they realise they’re being watched.

Caorann stiffens, then turns to look upwards to find Astarion still nearby, lingering a few metres away and watching Caorann with narrowed eyes.

Astarion flinches when Caorann blinks at him, then blusters, “Ah, sorry, I should--”

He turns away, then turns back, then huffs when he sees Caorann still tensed and staring at him. He spits, “What are you looking at, druid?”

Caorann blinks again. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I started it,” they reply, at which Astarion huffs again. “Did you want something? You don’t normally stick around this long.”

Astarion puts a hand on his hips, the pose of a petulant child who refuses to believe they’ve been caught.

Caorann sighs. “What, Astarion?”

Astarion frowns; it’s like he’s fighting himself, muscles coiled not in preparation for a kill but as if he’s trying to stop himself from lashing out. Suddenly, Caorann’s tadpole throbs; they can feel the edges of Astarion’s consciousness as he struggles with something that feels like a question that he hates. Astarion knows Caorann’s there, too; he tries to hide from them, and in that moment Caorann hates the tadpole for how easy it makes it to overstep and overstay – hates the control the tadpole has and the control it offers. Caorann balks and backs away from the tadpole’s prying instincts, but not without a struggle. “Gods, sorry. It’s still so hard to stop it before it starts.”

Astarion grimaces, but then waves a nonchalant hand. “Don’t mention it. Look, why don’t I--” “I mean, you don’t normally stick around after you feed, and it seems like there’s something on your mind. Are you okay?”

Astarion huffs again but this time his muscles relax too. “Ugh-- you damned-- fine.” He pauses, then crosses his arms.

Caorann stands up and takes a step towards him. “So,” they say gently. “What is it?” Astarion screws his face up and then after so much hesitation it suddenly tumbles out, a sharp hiss that would definitely be a shout if he weren’t worried about waking up the rest of camp, and he’s jabbing a finger at Caorann as he stage-whispers, “I just don’t get you! At all!”

Caorann is startled at the jabbing finger but also bemused. They give a lopsided smile – Astarion looks so offended by that but he’ll cope, Caorann is sure. “What do you mean?”

“I-- just-- why in the Hells are you so kind to everyone? All the time?!” Astarion’s arms are all theatrics and big, exasperated gestures as he continues, “You agreed to help those tieflings, you tried to rescue some silly dog, you insisted on helping that brat who was caught up with the harpies, and sure I get all that, you’re a goody two-shoes druid and your whole job is being nice to innocents or whatever the Oak Daddy taught you, but--” – he pauses to breathe after the first act of this tirade, then puts both his hands on his hips and glares at you for act two – “but why would you be so kind to me? Do you have no sense of self-preservation? Do you not realise how stupid this is? Why would it be good to help someone as--”

Astarion chokes abruptly and draws back – Caorann doesn’t need the tadpole to know that Astarion’s suddenly scared of going too far, of whatever is under his mask suddenly rearing its ugliness into view and right in front of some silly grass-munching druid he barely knows. There’s something he doesn’t want to say, but maybe he does want to say it, maybe he needs to say it, but not yet, not to this generous shithead, and Caorann couldn’t possibly judge if Astarion should say it now but certainly wants Astarion to be comfortable, at the very least, so Caorann holds out their hand to try and create a sense of calm as Astarion’s eyes widen like a cornered animal’s. “Look,” they say, quietly. “It’s okay.”

Astarion scoffs. “Is it? Is it? I’m a vampire spawn. I’m a monster. I drink your blood most nights and you--” – he jabs his finger right into Caorann’s chest this time, his voice rising – “you let me. You let me! What the Hells is wrong with you?”

The question ripples in the night air while Astarion breathes raggedly, reeling slightly from his explosive speech. Then his expression shifts to something more guarded, more like the mask he wants Caorann to see, though not before Caorann catches a flicker of fear in his eyes.

Caorann lets the question dissipate, lets the night reconfigure into stillness, and lets Astarion’s breath get less ragged. They try to reply carefully, gently. They know a bit about Astarion’s wounds and a bit about the damage wrought upon him by his old master, but they also know not to push. Yet they’re also feeling hazy from the blood loss and tired from yet another long day, so the words aren’t as tidy or slow as they’d want them to be.

“Astarion. I don’t know if I understand where this has come from, but, look, I believe in giving help where I can and sharing the beauty and kindness of nature in my actions. Maybe you don’t expect a druid to stand by a vampire spawn, and yes, there are druids who won’t. But they follow the letter of the law and I… I just can’t anymore, not when I could turn into something outwith our laws any second now.” Caorann pauses, scared of their own babbling. Astarion’s lips are pursed, his eyes strained with skepticism, but so far there is no witty retort, no snarling rebuke, so Caorann swallows and continues.

“And I – well I believe we shouldn’t turn our backs on people when something has happened which isn’t their fault, like what happened to me, right?” Caorann sways slightly, then tries to slow down their speech. “I didn’t ask for the tadpole. Neither did you. And you happen to be a vampire spawn and you need blood. And I can make the choice to help you feed, so that you can be strong and no one else gets hurt. It’s maybe not the ideal we talk about as druids when it comes to nature and balance, but--”

Astarion cuts in, “So it’s pragmatic, sure, fine. But look, you still--” – he stops, and the mask wavers again. His eyes darken and he turns away. “You are trusting someone who is already a monster. Someone who could kill you like it’s nothing, and you’ve let me into your camp and you let me near your neck.”

“Yes, that’s right. Because I believe in having your back,” Caorann replies.

“Well,” Astarion snaps back, “What if you have someone’s back and then they turn around and stab you right in the intestines anyway?”

Caorann sways again, too woozy to feel as threatened as they should be. “Why? Is that your plan?”

“No, I--”

“Astarion, I do like you, you know. It’s not just pragmatism.”

The muscles in Astarion’s shoulders tense. The pause is long but loaded, heavy, and Caorann could swear they feel the gears in Astarion’s mind shift into place.

He turns back to look at Caorann over his shoulder with a pained expression that snaps in a flash into a grin. “Oh, oh. Is this because--”, Astarion’s back straightens as his whisper shifts into his customary bedroom drawl, “– because of that night we spent together? When I wasn’t just busy with your neck?”

Caorann’s brows furrow. “I mean, yeah, that was a very welcome way to let off steam, but it’s not the only reason I--”

Astarion turns fully back to face Caorann. His smirk is full and his eyes are glittering. “I see. Well you know what, this whole conversation was just so unnecessary, wasn’t it? Really I was making a fuss for no reason.”

“Wait—”

“Darling, you need your beauty sleep, and I need my second helping, so why don’t I get going and we can forget about all this?”

“Astarion--!”

“Goodnight, dear little druid. And thanks once again for the meal.”

Then he’s gone, cloaked in the darkness as if he had never even been there.

Caorann sways once again, then crumples onto their bedroll. They exhale slowly, then inhale twice as slowly, letting still earthy air fill their lungs. This is fucking stupid, they think.

They struggle to meditate that night.

---

They don’t talk about it. Well, Astarion doesn’t talk about it, acts like he doesn’t even remember it; why would it even be relevant when they’re busy driving daggers into duergar skulls and meeting a friendly fucking mind-flayer in the middle of the Underdark?

He knows Caorann wants to talk about it; Caorann’s got those kind eyes that say “let’s talk” in a soft voice without even a whisper on the wind. Astarion hates it. He wants Caorann to fuck off.

This ridiculous gaggle of freaks he’s travelling with make him want to talk about everything and he hates it so much. His first time in the sun in 200 years and still he sometimes wants to crawl back into the darkest corner of his old palace-prison so no one ever looks at him again. Even Lae’zel is trying to check on him nowadays and sometimes he just wants to run away.

Don’t look at me, he mouths at the ceiling of his tent that night. Don’t touch me, he snarls silently. Keep your distance, darling, he spits in his mind. He lies on his bedroll, scowling at nothing.

Astarion has continued to feed on Caorann since his outburst. Caorann has continued to be accommodating – once, maybe every three or four days, without question, without complaint.

When is the punishment coming?

When will they run--

“No,” Astarion hisses. Then he jumps out of his skin, a soft question at the entrance of his tent completely blindsiding him. Gods, how embarrassing.

“Astarion?” Caorann’s gentle whisper comes again. “Are you in there?”

Astarion closes his eyes. “Go away.”

“Sorry,” whispers Caorann.

Oh fuck off.

“Ugh, fine. Come in,” Astarion mutters, opening his eyes to watch.

Caorann tenderly pulls back the tent fabric and steps inside. You would never know they sometimes stomp around in the shape of a bear. Astarion marvels, for a moment, at how carefully and sweetly Caorann can move, then cuts the thought off like he’s taking steel to a goblin’s neck. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop it.

Caorann squints at Astarion, then casts their eyes on a patch of ground next to him. “Do you mind if I sit down?”

“Do what you want,” he mutters, looking away.

Caorann hums, then lowers to sit cross-legged half a metre from him. “Do you want to deal with whatever is wrong? Everyone is asking me and we all want to help. Even Lae’zel.”

Astarion’s eyes burn and now he turns fully onto his side to face anywhere but this stupid kind druid. “What does it matter, Caorann?”

“Ugh, Astarion, fine. Do you want me to be angry with you?”

The burning in Astarion’s eyes rises something akin to what Karlach’s chest must be like, and is that-- are his eyes-- wet?

Shit.

“If you don’t want to talk then at least let me say what I want to say,” Caorann continues. “If you would rather I didn’t, tell me to fuck off. I’ll go.” Astarion stays silent. He can’t say anything. He can barely breathe.

“Astarion?”

He chokes. “Talk, then,” he manages.

He feels Caorann exhale behind him. “Are you being off because of the other night? When you yelled at me? You’ve barely spoken since. People do like your little comments and it seems like something’s not right with you. You barely even had anything to say about the myconids, and that place was just begging for your commentary.”

Astarion has nothing to say right now, either; or, really, he can’t, because he’s focusing all his energy on crying as silently and as motionlessly as possible.

“Astarion?”

Astarion tries to surreptitiously wipe his face. But Caorann isn’t stupid.

“If you need to cry about something, you don’t have to hide it, you know,” they say, and Astarion can hear their kind smile as they do, and then he--

Well, he’s not really sure what noise it is that escapes his throat, but it’s choked and strangled, and then he’s bawling and shaking and his mind is screaming no, no, no, not this, you can’t--

Caorann’s hand is on his shoulder, inviting him to turn over and face them with the most delicate little pull. Astarion makes another of those pathetic choking noises he apparently can’t control now, then turns around.

Caorann’s eyes are reflecting the moonlight that shines through a gap in the tent, glittering kind stars breaking up the darkness. Their expression is soft, though their eyes are strained with clear concern and showing off those lovely crow’s feet around--

Astarion wants to scream.

Instead he sobs.

Caorann doesn’t say a word. They just keep their hand gently resting on Astarion’s shoulder as sobs thunder through his body.

It might have been two minutes or another two hundred years before his crying slows, his shaking abates, and he can finally say something.

“Get out.”

Caorann stares right into Astarion’s eyes, a sympathetic smile on their lips. Astarion could lean forward and kiss--

“I said. Get. Out,” he growls, confidence slowly returning and taking back over his wretched, sob-wrecked muscles.

Caorann’s eyes crease with sadness. They close them, nod, then get up and leave without another word.

Astarion kicks himself immediately afterwards. Then, with barely a thought, he takes a sleep potion and sinks into nothing until first light. [tbc]

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

10, 28, 35, 52 for the DA ask game!

[ask game]

Hi!! Thank you for the ask :)

10. Share a pic of your favorite OC from any DA game.

Ok I'm cheating a little and making this my fave screenshot of an OC instead of a screenshot of my fave OC lol, cos i got the t-pose (or ig a-pose) glitch with Ari, and walking around Skyhold like this game me a good laugh

28. Inquisitor’s feelings on being the Herald of Andraste?

June: Hates it so much. Being pushed into a religious position is *exactly* what she escaped from from her family, and now it is being done again on an even greater scale. She vehemently denies being the Herald, but up until HLTA there was a tiny part of her wondering if it could be true, which frankly just made it worse (finding out that she was right about the Andraste thing not being real was a huge weight off her shoulders)

Ari: He does not believe in Andraste and consequently does not believe in being the Herald one bit, and isn't thrilled about being called such. And while he does not actively support it, he is well aware that denying it would neither work nor help, so he begrudgingly lets it slide.

35. Who do you want to see return in the next game?

MM there's a bunch of characters who'd be cool to see imo! Most of the DA2 cast are the first that come to mind, for different reasons; Fenris has business in Tevinter plus the whole wolf theming, Merrill has her eluvian business going on (which i think could be super interesting if she was brought in), Isabela gets around a lot and could easily be included imo (i've seen a post abt the possibility of having her ship as a home base for the next protag and i would love that so much), Anders is more unlikely i suppose but having him and Justice turn up again could be v cool. Sebastian and Aveline have less reason to be there probably but depending on how they stood with Hawke and the Inquisition they could turn up. And we already know Varric is gonna be there xd

Otherwise, i'd love to see Connor or Feynriel again! Especially Feynriel, him being a dreamer and all, and with him possibly having gone to Tevinter to study magic. And Valta!! For obvious Dwarf Lore related reasons. And/Or whoever was named Orzammar's king in DAO! I wanna know how Orzammar is doing pretty please...

Would be nice to maybe see Bull and his chargers again, or Sera! Because i love them and bc they are mercs and a red jenny respectively which means they Get Involved In Stuff and if they dont at least get a cameo i am going to be very sad.

... that got longer than expected lmaoo, sorry x'D

52. Favorite non-Player Character headcanons?

Ouhh there's so so many good headcanons...... but ofc when i need them i can't think of any |'D