#this is so dumb I should go back to work
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I am of course a big fan of all the scary and violent whump potential that could come from red room whump but whenever I think too much about somebody live-streaming torture I always end up getting ridiculous. Whumper doing give aways if they hit a certain number of views. Telling people to like and subscribe. What platform are they using for this activity. I am making myself laugh.
#stupid shit#‘the first 50 people to comment in the chat have a chance to receive whumpee���s left arm in the mail!’#‘*muffled screaming from whumpee*’#somebody in the chat goes ‘damn I think I’ll wait for the right one’#this is so dumb I should go back to work#amputation tw#as a jokey joke
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tumblr whites who haven’t listened to a lick of rap before not like us talking about a hugely influential black rapper who weaves politically poignant narratives about his own lived experience as a black person in america, systematic racism, etc: haha he’s so quirky he’s so petty he’s like a trickster god an old god a fae god oooooh he’s a dragon slayer get it cause drake-
#kendrick lamar#superbowl#i think you should all die actually#the “too neurodivergent to listen to hip pop” website dumbing down a black artist’s work and repackaging it as-#chronically online unfunny tumblr humour mythological references#i’m not at all surprised. after all this is the same website that constantly pats themselves on the back for being#not like the other social platforms and capable of Critical Thinking™ while consuming major events through destiel memes#dare i say going on twitter and learning about REAL FUCKING PROBLEMS outside the tumblr echo chamber would make some of you more normal.#*addendum since I’ve been made aware it sounds a tad mean/biased - by real problems i mean diversifying-#what you’re consuming from social media because twitter is a lot less fandom-y if you want it to be#and certainly there are a lot more poc actively talking about real world events#why are we pretending tumblr is somehow this uber progressive platform when it’s so homogenous in certain ways#em speaks
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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thank you in general for crediting photographers/sources whenever you post pictures! as much as it should obv just be a common courtesy thing it’s definitely not so i rlly appreciate whenever people do! 💗💗💗
oh i'm always glad to. i think we all owe a lot of gratitude to the artists working on deadlines around these teams and capturing special moments, and i feel bad enough i'm borderline stealing their photos to share honestly 😭😭😭😭 but we owe them so much. in general, i think people should be crediting/referring both for the gratitude but ALSO bc it makes things easier to find later? idk, it kinda drives me nuts how people don't lol
#easks#like sometimes if its the social teams or whatever.. i mean the photogs are getting paid so its not some charity but at the same time#its art ! ! ! and they deserve to be appreciated..#and then even small time photogs doing it for free u should be posting where u got shit all the time imo or from fans or w/e#even dumb shit like secondhand accounts or screenshots or whatever so u leave a trace.. like its not yours to share sometimes lol#it's IMPORTANT FOR MULTIPLE REASONS#sorrynow im jsut off in thought but i think if i had to redo my life over id go into archival work of some sort just bc i really enjoy that#tracing things back to their origins. maintaining stuff in the digital age when it feels like we're losing more and more sometimes
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At the end of the day, is kin just someone who identifies as their kintype or not? Is it anyone who actually identifies as their kintype, or do they have to perform all these 'correct' behaviours and social dances to prove that you kin- pardon, that you are kin- correctly?
#beep boop#sorry i got fucking salty on this last one bc its fucking annoying people reblogging a version of that post with dumb misinformation about#how introjects work and whoes entire argument is 'well kin as a verb doesnt work for literally everyone therefore you should stop using it#person who it works for'#when my partner and i both already took down why thats a bad argument but no one bothers to check the fucking notes#and its most useful for fictionkin anyways and then a bunch of dragons and canines are saying well i dont have a use for it#so therefore its bad!#on his post about how HE PERSONALLY USES IT and people turning into like hes commenting that eveyrbody and their dog should use it#LEABVE HIM ALONE#LEAVE VALENTINO ALONE#sorry. i dont mind discussion but it pisses me off when shit we already explained is being ignored#And saying you wouldnt invalidate someone for using it while coming onto someones post about how they personally use it#and admonishing them for doing that#hm.#and this tying back to my very origional post on the topic#which was about how coming at people for how they talk makes the community hostile#regarudless of if you like it or not#can you . consider. minding your bees neez?#and everybody all up about the harm kff do meanwhile using kin as a verb doesnt make you kff and you can spread correct info while still#verbing it#and second of all i have seen new questioning otherkin literally harassed and driven out of wanting to every interact with the kin communit#because of the hostility twoards people who use 'incorrect' lanauge#WHIHC WAS WHAT I WAS ORIGIONALLY TALKING ABOUT#BUT NO ONE WANTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT DO THEY?#IS DOING DAMADGE TO HE KINMUNNITY SUDDENLY NOT IMPORTANT NOW#IF YOU DONT GET TO GO AROUND AND ENFORCE SOME RULES?#kin discourse#kin as a verb#anyways if you encourage people to be alowed to police behaviour in this way#which is what you are doing if youre saying no one should be allowed to do it which is what the argument people are making is
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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It's 1am where I'm at but ah well... Here's a sneak peak!
*throws*
Oh my lord
#sorry i was asleep#mermie.#u cannot just toss this at me#u cant toss bay breasts in my face and then teehee and leave#i am. i am already sick irl and now im sick online#so unbelievably unwell#his little lopsided grin#stop this !!!!!!#the image of being on top of him#he stops moving. stops hitting upward. lies back#and when ur confused tells u to keep going. watches you do all the work urself. needy for him to move or touch you or do anything#gornack ask tag#gornack mermie tag#im gonna be staring for a while. um. byeah#gah ur lineart is so delicious. so clean so sharp#if this wasnt meant to be public lmk ill take it down but for the future that should be included in the ask cuz im dumb a lot;-;
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I just have to say that any woman character with long hair who mucks about without putting her hair up is deeply, atrociously unserious.
Goes for guys too ofc, but women are notoriously bad. Lady fighter with long, free hair in a brawl with a bunch of other people?
No she isn't. Finish the job and stick her in pink heels with painted nails already because you've already communicated that's where she should be and you've already shown she has no sense. Producers, you should be embarrassed.
#rant post#specifically this is about the Furiosa movie#she is so dumb#DUMB as BRICKS#wtf is she doing with hair that isn't tied back??? what a loser#it's also about every other movie I've seen (most of them) that have any woman doing any work whatsoever#you don't do work with your hair free#stoppit#you could be SO SEXY by showing your lady MC throwing a hair tie on before getting down to business#but you're all STUPID FAILURES. @EVERY MOVIE PRODUCER EVER#if i have one pet peeve it's this honestly#grow your hair out and go do yard work with it down#go run a couple miles with your hair down. idiot.#jfc#you can tell the little prissy princess who's never worked a day in their life#from someone who's done. literally ANY one thing ever. by whether they put their hair up.#there should be a rating scheme for shows based on how the women wear their hair. literally the only rating that matters#so far furiosa is 1/5 stars#you expect me to believe she's mucking about as a mechanic and a truck driver in Australia heat with her hair down? no she isn't.#she looks terrible#she's never refueled a vehicle in her entire life#people who think ugly hair down is sexier on women or anyone than the sweaty lil flyaways you get from hair pulled tight and back?? grow up#sorry to report furiosa met an untimely death due to spitting hair from her mouth and it flying into her face so she missed the guy#who blew her up. oops
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been thinking recently about how i play games (in general but also a bit on the competitive side on some)
turns out i don't particularly care about winning, i just want to have fun, but obviously i do like winning i just try to do win by doing very stupid stuff
it's way more fun for everyone involved when you do things against the meta or common sense and end up winning anyways bc it's so weird that it takes others by surprise
#i like doing dumb things that only work bc they're dumb#so everyone just falls for it#hehe yes run into my very telegraphed move boy#also why i enjoy low tiers more so than top tiers in most cases#bc they're often not super explored so people aren't used to playing against them#so they have no idea what to expect from someone that takes weird ass characters seriously#maybe i should get back into mk8dx#and use a stupid combo like max speed or something#bc you can win with that if you know how to go about bagging#can't frontrun tho#i'll think about it#i just kinda quit that game bc it's just. so dumb it's such a bad game. sort of in a way#it's good it's just oddly designed. it's at least pretty well balanced all things considered#but i hate it bc of how you have to play the game if you wanna compete at higher level#same with smash ult kinda. i hate Hate how high level ult is played. it's so fucking slow and defensive bullshit#but there's some fun to be had in it if you do dumb stuff as i said#or if you have a character like ness that presses a bunch of buttons so you're always doing something#i like pressing a bunch of buttons :3#it's so much better than just standing there waiting for the other guy to do something like sonic waiting to spin dash or#steve mining with a wall between you#or g&w doing stupid things in general this bitch has too much air movility#also fuck mario (sometimes) he's such a fast character you can't do anything unless you have fast options or are patient enough to wait for#an opening. but fuck that i don't wanna wait around#i wanna run straight at you and hit you#before anyone says to play melee or pm. no#sorry it's a bad game too just in different ways. not bad bad but yknow#meteor cancel. shields that reflect projectiles. like 15 characters you can use if you're good enough otherwise you have like 5 you can use#out of the 26 in the game (not counting wireframes or giga bowser)#tho melee definitely has some better mechanics like wavedashing and run speed carrying over from jumps (not really a mechanic tho#since it can be changed on each character individually)
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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wait they forced people to come more often because the parking lot is empty ?? Ludicrous 😭
Right?? I mean hybrid working conditions are for sure the best but sometimes it sure is ridiculous.
And every job is different. In some cases it makes zero sense to bring people back into the office.
#lovely anons#and i mean what's the problem#some people LIKE going into the office#that's great that's wonderful let them#but why force it on everyone?#and it's so dumb#like two years back back companies were like#oh you don't have to live close by!#you can just work from home!#and now they're like#you gotta come in#we don't care where you live you should have thought about that before
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elaboration on the "not aro" part:
i met a girl. she's an eleventh grader. we started talking last year in june. in november, stuff started getting um. romantic. i think. there were a lot of hugs in november. december beginning we started to sneak away during event stuff to be alone. we knew something was up between us, but we didn't talk about it, just went with the flow. after vacations started, we confessed to each other at around 2 am in end december. she is so fucking beautiful and nice and adorable and she's an artist right? she made me a portrait 😭 it's not a replica of me but she tried to do the features but good god. i love her so so much. she crochets. she crocheted me a pink heart. her hugs are so damn comfy. i'm probably embarrassing myself but man i could pine forever.
so yes. yours truly is in love. and god it feels awesome.
off topic but the first line reminded me of bad girls club by falling in reverse omgs SNEAKING AWAY FOR ALONE TIME IS PEAK ROMANTIC BEHAVIOUR I'M SO PROUD OF YOU 2 AM ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHY AM I NOT LIVING A LIFE LIKE THIS WHY IS BEING GAY SO HARD DID YOU DO THE 3RD DECEMBER SWEATER THINGY I JUST FOUND OUT IT'S A THING in 2023 I'M LIVING UNDER A ROCK pardon the caps fuck it THE CAPS ARE BACK SHE MADE YOU A PORTRAIT?? SHE MADE YOU A- *screams* nah she CROCHETS TOO??? bye i need like 2 weeks of bed rest to recover nawww what do you mean embarrassing yourself i've said way worse to you. this is so cute i'm so happy for you hshjsjhsjsk can you adopt me please
INSANE i'm not gonna lie it is a good feeling when they love you back. wow. raag this is incredible. if i'm not wrong this has been a great year for you, what with finding love and being sports captain and winning races ooff they grow up so fast 🥹
and since uh. you shared. i mean it's not transactional or anything i really wanted to tell you but you were busy i guess and oh you'll be having boards rn i hope that's going well !! but. ALSO. YA BOI PULLED. I PULLED. FINALLY. BAHAHJAHAJA I SCORED A GUY FASTER THAN HE SCORES BASKETS HE'S SO PERFECT I LOVE HIM HE'S BEEN GIVING ME CHOCOLATE FOR A WEEK NOW BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED VALENTINE'S WEEK. fuck. i finally understand what aristotle from the book meant when he said he was afraid of dante. i'm afraid of him. i'm afraid of how he makes my brain short-circuit when i'm with him and how we make the same stupidly corny jokes and pickup lines and how he chooses to not go home by bus and instead walks extra to the public bus stop just so he can wALK HOME WITH ME and gets all shy when he asks if we can hold hands and how he gets this look when random uncles on the road see us so i flip them off because i'm not afraid of shit anymore and how he laughs when i say some stupid shit and how he sends me recordings of him playing guitar and singing songs and by GOD his voice is beautiful and he's beautiful. he's beautiful. god.
#i really feel like i can do anything#like cmon#i broke a guy's nose in a fight#why should i hold back from doing dumb stuff and being happy anymore#i'm tired of that#about damn time i got a boyfriend i'm not going to overthink like i usually do#i took the plunge raag#i took the plunge by confessing and it worked out#so#i guess that's good#yey#are you proud#raag best beloved
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starting to hit that i have no psych and my medication feels constantly on the edge of becoming highly precarious bc we have switched insurance and my previous doctor is like no longer my doctor to prescribe it and idk how long the therapy center i went to will continue to let the psych there prescribe me stuff and if they still can with insurance changes. guys i hate it just a little
#i either need to get a psych or have no more disorders so this situation stops sucking and feeling scary sometimes#genuinely the first time in my life i dont wanna stop a med or feel bad for having to take one. i would rather do anything than stop#esp bc it isnt one that u can just put down and return to. if i went off for like more than a week i gotta start all the way at 25 mg again#and then work back up to 100. which sounds so sucks.#i am not in threat of this happening rn bc i counted pills this morning and asked my mom to see if she can go get my script refilled#and send it up to me. so hopefully i should be alright. but now im wondering if i will make it thru to summer break? i think i will#but now im nervous bc i thought i had more and would last thru like spring break with this current bottle which was probably dumb on my end#ok recounting in my head i definitely will make it thru the rest of the semester when i get my refill but still.#dont like that i miscalculated this last one. augh.#static.soundz
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back on my talking in the tags bullshit like it's 2015 🫡
#i am feeling very Ack lately because i have abt ten months left to pay off my stupid ass student debt#which is exciting! i'm ready to go back to school!#but i have noooo idea what i'm going back for and i feel like i need to start firming up a decision so i can kind of get my ducks on a row#but like. girl. it's HARD#i have approximately 5/8 of an elementary education degree#and in an ideal world i would just finish it and become a teacher. boom done. i love teaching i LOVE it!!! i really do!!!#and i'm fucking good at it!!!#but we do not live in an ideal world. lol. i love being a teacher in theory but the reality of becoming a teacher in america#at this current moment.#where im essentially putting myself in the middle of a culture war where i am being casted as a criminal for Being Visibly GNC in front of#people's children. is not really ideal!!!!#and nkt to mention the gun violence and the fact that increasingly parents think they know better than teachers what should b taught and#TERRIBLLE pay a d tons of extra work w no administrative support#it just sounds. nkt great. to be honest.#but like.. what else do i do. i like the idea of mass comm w a production focus but i worry that i'll get disillusioned or dislike it once#it's what i Do...#and i could go back for the science-y stuff i wanted to do as a teenager and that sounds awesome but also#i think i am too dumb. lol. and i would be starting completely from scratch because all my science credits are like#Biology For People Who Just Need A Credit. yknow#and starting over wouldn't be the worst thing in the long run but it's so fucking daunting#i've already dropped out twice 😝🫶 i kinda just wanna finish it all in one fell swoop yknow#ANYWAYYYY. i have time i have so much time actually [shaking and crying and throwing up]
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was just saying to my friend that since my period is due next weekend I probably won't be able to hang out bc it'll be difficult to walk from my room to the bathroom let alone like. to the station anyway just suddenly became aware that the continuous cramps I get in this stage of my cycle have been slowly increasing in intensity the last few hours so we may be on course for a week earlier start than usual. locking down all defenses rn......🚨🚨🚨🚨
#i always try and mentally prepare for how much its gonna suck dick and balls but every time it actually starts im caught off guard#i hate being in agonising pain i dont wanna have to do it!!!!!#not as if anyone likes being in agonising pain anyway but still..... i mean if it does start tn that would definitely explain a lot#like the insane insecurity ive been having. and other symptoms. but it should be too early i didnt even ovulate that long ago#whatever man theres no rhyme or reason to it i should know that by now. the worst part is gonna be feeling alone when im in pain#well no its not the worst part is the pain but emotionally the loneliness is gonna wreck me i can never prepare enough for it#my problem is that i get extremely needy in pain it makes me feel like a fucking toddler. but i cant allow myself to be around ppl for#comfort and reassurance bc it gets so overwhelming im not able to maintain the usual rules n boundaries i have to follow#i mean im needy anyway all the time but at least i work hard to keep myself in check so i dont cross other ppls boundaries#losing that inhibition is just bad for everyone involved and really embarrassing for me so its easier to just suck it up and feel shite#and i get soooo tearful and easily upset over the stupidest shit like even if i can keep a lid on it and not throw myself at everyone#i get so jealous over other ppl being able to express themselves or getting comfort that i get fucking nauseous i cant be in the room#it makes me want to dieeee its dumb as fuck. anyway my point is. well i dont know what my point is actually#it might be best for me to skip next weeks plans anyway bc ill work myself into a fucking tizzy abt it in my post period exhaustion#i cant third wheel my friends while im in a state like that its too much. its hard enough third wheeling on a regular day anyway#like ok i get it u guys are much closer n have different boundaries w each other than u do w me. thats cool. please dont make me watch#when im feeling wretched and want things worse than normal. ugh anyway sorry ruminating again. i tried#just really anxious abt the pain properly starting but i know theres no avoiding it. oh well. ill take some painkillers in advance#i have some leather repair to work on and then i might draw a bit. and then back to cooking i have brisket slow cooking rn#so fingers crossed thatll take my mind off spiralling. sniffs pathetically#wait i need to go blind bake my tart lets start w that okayyy bye#.vent
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