#this is old i meant to post ot a while ago

[thom-yorke-hoard-nsfw]

Why’s he gotta make these noises man

[depressedacadamia]

17 year olds don’t make good decisions

Summary:  it's exactly as the title suggests. On Nico's 17th birthday, he decides to do exactly as the title suggests and ends up visiting his boyfriend at the infirmary.

A/N: THIS WAS INSPIRED BY @rainnows and @daughter-of-sunshine from this post. ALSO SHOUT OUT TO @marbleheavy WHO CHEERED ME UP WHEN I WAS TALKING ABOUT BEING SAD ON BATHROOM FLOORS. Thank you @solangeloweek for this fun challenge! I actually managed to complete it without burning out halfway unlike with writers month which I PROMISE will be finishing. It feels super cool to tag people as if I had a tag list. Anyhow, hope yall enjoy the final day in will solace's bday week and comment! <3 from Persephone.

Read on AO3             Masterlist. 

Perhaps trying to give himself a lip piercing all by himself in the solitude of the Hades Cabin was not the best idea. That said, Nico was trying to celebrate his 17th birthday and he had been looking forward to getting a lip ring that he had seen Thalia wear recently and of course, Nico was impressed.

But Nico was even more impressed when Thalia had told him that she had pierced her lip herself like a badass motherfucker. At the time of course, Nico's first thought was wondering whether the hunters of Artemis had a dress code and if so- were piercings included? (Because he knew that Apollo would definitely want in on that.)

But now, as he held his bleeding lip which dripped over his fingers and pulled out the metal needle which had come in the packaging, he realised that just perhaps this wasn't a great deal. He grabbed some tissues and held them to his lips in the hope that the applied pressure would at least stop the big gush of blood but after several impatient minutes of doing so, he began to slightly panic.

Why hadn’t the bleeding stopped? Did he hit a blood vessel? Obviously he must have since he was bleeding! Was it veins or arteries that were super dangerous? God, why was blood so red? And why did this hurt so damn badly- he’s been stabbed for goodness sake! He was a soldier and it was a boo boo lip that was getting to him?

He rushed to the infirmary in panic- he doubted many people would see him and he deeply cared about his lips; afterall, how else would he kiss Will?

“Why are you holding that to your mouth?” Will asked when he saw his boyfriend walk through the infirmary doors. “ You’re not meant to eat tissues. If you were hungry, you should have bought a happy meal.”

Nico, who was still bleeding profusely into the tissue, turned it around so Will could; see his blood stained face and almost ripped lip.

“It won’t stop bleeding,” Nico managed to whine out in pain.

“What did you do?!” Will shouted in horror.

“I DON’T KNOW, YOU’RE THE DOCTOR!”

“I’M A HEALER, NOT A DOCTOR!” Will, truly panicking, screamed back. The two stared at each other, eyes wide open and finally, Will realised that while Nico was a soldier, he wasn't a healer. Sure- he inflicted injuries but he didn't fix them. In other words, Nico was completely clueless.

Will repeated the question, this time with a calmer tone. “What did you do?”

He changed his gloves and sat Nico down so he could have a look.

“I shwied oo iercee my wip,” Nico tried to speak as Will held his mouth open, taking a glance at the bottom of his lip.

“Sooo?” Nico said once again, over exaggeratedly as his boyfriend prepared to clean the wound.

“There’s a hole in your lip.” Will said, without a fraction of surprise as he began to clean the wound, lightly dabbing the soaked cotton ball at the injury.

“Ouuchh,” Nico tried to move away, but Will - in a very threatening manner- stopped him with a manic gleam in his eye that read No <3.

The two sat there as Will managed to stop the immense bleeding. Quite luckily for Nico’s reputation, there weren’t many people in the infirmary that specific evening and therefore, it was only Will and a couple of other healers- who weren’t scared of Nico but let him think so- who knew of the accident.

“Why did you even want to get your lip pierced in the first place?” Will umbled as he began to clean up.

“Because.”

“Because what?”

Nico replied in innocent honesty. “ It’s cool.”

Will choked at the simplicity of the answer. “Because it’s cool?”

Nico, similar to a puppy, nodded with eager delight. Sure, his lip piercing had not gone the way he had wanted and it was a shame that he’d have to wait for his lip to heal so that could try again but in the end- his lips still seemed to be working.

“Let me get this straight,” Will paused, “ You got a lip piercing, you willingly attempted to put a hole through the flesh of your lip because you thought it looked cool?”

“No,2 Nico huffed slightly. “Also you can’t get anything straight.”

Will sighed, “ And you’re about to make a gay joke to hide your own religious truama, aren’t you.”

“Oi!” Nico cried. “ No fair! You don’t get to ruin the punchline of my joke and expose my psychological trauma!”

Will gave a small chuckle to himself as he finished cleaning up and Nico patiently- which was relatively surprising- waited on the bed. He moved his fingers to gently prod his lip where the injury had occurred a while ago, a bit surprised to feel the flesh there to be swollen and burning hot to the touch.

“Willll,” Nico complained. “ My lip is puffy.”

The blond healer scoffed in response. “ That’s what you get for trying to pierce your lip by yourself.”

“But Thalia did it by herself and it looks so cool!”

“Is that what this is about?” Will turned around suddenly. “ Because Thalia told you about her lip piercing.”

Nico folded his arms looking away slightly. “ She didn’t just tell me, she was wearing her lip piercing and I for one think it looks awesome.”

“Yeah, I can really tell from the state of your lip,” Will laughed dryly.

“You’re being meaner than usual, sun boy.”

“You’re being stupider than usual death boy.”

“See!”

“I think I'm allowed to be a bit annoyed at the stupid attempt you made ot pierce your own lip without the aid of anyone else- or at least your boyfriend-, who, might I add, is a healer!”

“So I’m meant to be running to you every time I might have a problem and supposedly need some help with it?”

“Yes!”

Nico, ready to retort back an ‘I thought so”, paused. “Oh.”

The infirmary fell silent as they both stood staring at each other while the sun set behind=d them in the background. Will’s skin glowed under the light and Nico’s eyes glinted. They stared at each other and suddenly within a beat all the tension in the room rushed out and they both started laughing at one another. Suddenly a tall, black haired boy scrambled into the infirmary with mischief written all over his gleeful face.

“So?” Percy painted. “Did you actually try and do the piercing?”

To say the least, Will demanded an explanation.

[shijiujun]

Time for some BL/Danmei novel recs! 

You guys have probably (maybe) seen my novels list here - [X] - but it’s more for my own tracking than anything else, so here’s a brief list (I’ll probably do full ones of the ones I really love in another post, probably on Minmo).

The ones elaborated on below with the asterisks are the novels I’ve actually finished reading.

*since everyone more or less knows MXTX’s works - TGCF, MDZS and SVSSS, I’ll skip those!

1. SCI 迷案集 | SCI Mystery Series by 耳雅*

Summary: Bai Yutang and Zhan Zhao are childhood friends and rivals that end up working together under the newly established SCI unit as co-leads, with Bai Yutang providing the brawn as Captain and Zhan Zhao the brains as Vice Captain and the team’s resident genius psychologist. They solve cases together and slowly unravel a wider conspiracy that involves their parents’ generation and beyond. At the same time they also realize that they’re meant for each other!

Other CPs: Bai Jintang (Bai Yutang’s older brother) & the medical examiner, Gongsun Ce, Bai Chi (Bai Yutang’s younger cousin) & magician Zhao Zhen, and at least three other gay pairings, one of which is considered another main couple of sorts from Vol. 2 onwards

Status: Incomplete (Began in 2010, author is still going on strong with one chapter every one or two months, we’re halfway through Vol. 5 right now and it’s been 10 years ;-; Love that the author is going on strong!! Everyone on JJWXC are like “please author it’s okay if you go slow as long as you keep going we’re here for you” and jfc I understand the fear of this not completing, also when will Vol. 5 be completed and printed?!! I need to complete the collection)

Translations: Unfortunately, only the first volume has been translated well so far on novel updates. The one on Wattpad seems to have caught up, but I would not recommend that one.

Drama/Live-Action: Season 1 was filmed and released in 2018 under the same name with slightly changed names for the characters. Season 2 was supposed to start filming this month but... oh well. First season basically covered Vol. 1 novel from start to end.

*I love this one only because it was my very first danmei and so it’ll forever have a special place in my heart, and also because it’s still ongoing so ya know, I relive how much I love this every month

2. 成化十四年 | Cheng Hua’s Fourteenth Year (The Sleuth of Ming Dynasty) by 梦溪石*

Summary: Tang Fan, a prefectural judge, and Sui Zhou, a high ranking officer in the Embroidered Uniform Guards, meet while trying to solve a murder case. Both of them end up partnering very well together, Sui Zhou ends up inviting Tang Fan to live with him, and the rest is history. Through their days living together and solving cases + a larger conspiracy involving the royal palace, they fall in love. Adding to this mix is also Wang Zhi, a powerful, young eunuch who befriends the pair, and the three of them basically help the crown prince to overcome challenges and his enemies to become the next Emperor

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: Ongoing on several websites. I’m only translating relationship highlights, but here’s an introduction post I did for it, if you guys would like somewhere to start without getting too invested - [X]

Drama/Live-Action: The Sleuth of Ming Dynasty was released earlier this year, directed by Jackie Chan and starring Darren Chen and Paul Fu, but cases are a little different and there are new characters in the show that weren’t from the novel etc.

3. 杀破狼 | Shapolang by Priest*

Summary: Set in a steampunk universe where flying boats named ‘kites’ and flying armour exist. Young teenager Chang Geng lives with his mother and stepfather - the former abuses him and the latter neglects him, and the only person that he cares about (and cares about him) is Shen Shiliu, his (very young) godfather. He realizes his identity as a royal prince when the Man tribe invades his city and Shen Shiliu, whose real name is Gu Yun, turns out to be an army general whose duty was to protect Chang Geng in secret (among other things). 

Chang Geng has been critically poisoned by his mother (who’s not actually his birth mother, if I recall she’s an aunt) which leads to him getting terrible dreams frequently with the end result of him being driven into insanity, while Gu Yun is half blind, half deaf due to poisoning + injury when he was much younger, and he can only regain his hearing and sight fully when he takes a medicine that is slowly losing its effectiveness with every dosage he has.

The both of them navigate learning about each other again, falling in love a few years later when Chang Geng is all grown up and also unravel conspiracies and fight bad guys (both external threats and internal as in the current Emperor and other parties) XD

*Note: The age old debate is that Gu Yun ‘preyed’ on and also ‘groomed’ Chang Geng, but I disagree and stand by the fact that Gu Yun was 90% of the time not around while Chang Geng grew from a teenager to a young adult as he was fighting wars elsewhere, while Chang Geng refused to stay at the Gu manor and insisted on running around, travelling on his own and seeing the world for a few years before they met again. And it was Chang Geng who’d always loved Gu Yun and devoted himself to caring about him, making advances on him etc. when he became an adult

Other CPs: Shen Yi (Gu Yun’s second-in-command) & Chen Qingxu (a renowned physician who ends up healing both Chang Geng and Gu Yun of their ailments) 

Status: Complete!

Translations: Fully translated the last I heard, it’s up there in the list of holy grail BL/danmei novels, so I’m sure it’s done hahaha.

Drama/Live-Action: Filming in progress!

*This is up there in the hall of fame for danmei novels for more than just the amazing content and writing - It’s also famous for being one of the most complex novels ever. I don’t know how the translations team did it because DAMN it was complex and I read all my novels in Chinese without much issues but I was honestly STRUGGLING WITH this one and I went through some existential crisis while reading because I was like ‘did I ever learn Chinese, am I even Chinese’ XD

4. 默读 | Silent Reading by Priest*

Summary: Luo Wenzhou, a police captain, and his team including best friend and partner Tao Ran, face a few challenging cases that end up being small parts of a larger conspiracy, and end up having to consult with Fei Du, a flamboyant, charming and flirty, young and rich CEO, who Luo Wenzhou describes as someone who is an expert at ‘crimes’. Not deduction, not solving crimes, but someone who is familiar with how the murderer or culprits would commit crimes. Both Luo Wenzhou and Tao Ran know Fei Du well, because they first met when Fei Du was in high school, when he called the police because his mother had hanged herself in the house, and since then Tao Ran and Luo Wenzhou look out for him, spending holidays with him, giving him presents here and there. Luo Wenzhou and Fei Du overcome their misunderstandings of each other and fall in love while solving all the cases and the larger conspiracy behind it.

Other CPs: Tao Ran and someone he knew first from his school days or was a neighbour when he was younger, I can’t remember, but they meet again at a blind date and end up living in the same building on different floors XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: Complete!! There’s a huge post floating around on Tumblr with all the links (I can’t find it right now) and on Twitter you can also find the collated, epub versions etc.

Drama/Live-Action: Rights for a live-action was signed, no casting confirmation or set dates yet

5. 犯罪心理 | Criminal Psychology by 长洱*

Summary: Police captain Xing Conglian drags psychologist Lin Chen out of seclusion/hiding to solve a case that is indirectly tied to him. Lin Chen was involved in a case a few years ago that led to four deaths - these four victims were the sons/daughters of four of the five huge old-money (super rich) families in the country and these family members sought to make Lin Chen’s life very difficult for him afterwards by making him lose all the jobs he can find, by surveilling his every move and ensuring that he’s not happy etc. Because of that, he backed out of the police force as well and quietly lived as a school dorm administrator, which is where Xing Conglian finds him a few years later. Lin Chen fakes his death after the first case (not deliberately but kind of a by-the-way thing), but as fate would have it, he ends up meeting Xing Conglian on another case, and he decides that he’ll move in with him and also involve himself again, consequences be damned, and they fall in love!

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: I think it’s not complete yet.

Drama/Live-Action: None that I know of.

6. 死亡万花筒 | Kaleidoscope of Death by 西子绪* (MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE)

Summary: Supernatural setting where people who are about to die get a second chance to live. These individuals are either in the midst of a dangerous situation (for e.g. a shootout or a deadly mugging incident) or are about to get into accidents (for e.g. an entire bus going off a bridge or a chandelier dropping from above and crushing the person underneath) or are ill (recently diagnosed with cancer or are terminally ill with a condition for e.g.) - The list is endless, and in the situation between life and death, 12 doors will appear before them. 

It is said that once these individuals finish all 12 doors, they will truly get a second chance at life and survive whatever cause of death they were imminently facing. 

Each door represents a creepy, supernatural mystery, and Lin Qiushi finds himself in a strange place after opening a door when he was trying to enter his apartment one day. He meets Ruan Baijie, a beautiful, tall woman who he happens to meet, and they realize that in this strange world, he and other individuals who came through the door have to complete a given task, find a key and an exit door, and make it out alive. The others in the team (some of which have already gone through several doors) explain to Lin Qiushi, who is a first-timer, what the doors are about. 

The catch is, if they die inside the door, in the real world, they’ll die immediately, by accident, throwing themselves off a building, or just throwing up blood until they die (just to name a few)

On the first night, however, three people are slaughtered and eaten by a long-haired ghost/creature. The good news is, Ruan Baijie isn’t all that she seems to be (for one, she’s not exactly a woman) and she takes a liking to Lin Qiushi immediately.

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: I think it’s not complete yet!

Drama/Live-Action: None that I know of, but honestly, this novel would be fricking EPIC as a live-action, and really creepy, but this is my all-time favourite novel, I kid you not!!!!

*I’m definitely doing a longer and more detailed to-read for KOD on my translation account, gosh you guys have no idea how much I love this.

7. 当年万里觅封侯 | Those Years in Quest of Honor Mine by 漫漫何其多

Summary: Yu She and Gu Wan were close friends for a short period of time when they were younger, but unfortunately their identities and positions meant that they were opponents. Yu She’s family was for the Second Prince and Gu Wan was taken in by the Sixth Prince’s family, but in the end it was the Second Prince who ended up getting to the throne, while the Sixth Prince was accused of treason and died somewhere far away at war after being captured. Gu Wan’s only wish was to keep the Fifth Prince’s children - Xuan Rui and a pair of twins, Xuan Yu and Xuan Congxin safe, and so he moves them to another province and asks the Emperor (the Second Prince) to demote Xuan Rui’s status to prove that they are no threat to the Emperor, if only to stay alive for another day.

However, their days of hardship have only just begun, and Gu Wan decides to namedrop Yu She, whose family is so powerful now, and claims that Yu She loves him and that he was wooing Gu Wan back in the days they knew each other so that officials and others would treat the children under his care better. A few years pass and Yu She doesn’t expose Gu Wan. Gu Wan thinks they can go on like this forever, until the Emperor asks Xuan Rui and the twins to head back to the palace for a visit.

Gu Wan meets Yu She again, but the boy he knew, who was gentle, a stickler for rules and a proper, well-mannered person, has changed almost completely. Cue palace conspiracies again, brothers fighting for the throne, scheming consorts etc. XD 

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: I think it’s not complete yet but I’m not super sure on this

Drama/Live-Action: None that I know of!

*They came out with a new reprint edition three days ago and it’s gorgeous! And comes with amazing freebies, and I am a sucker and read it on the day of the printed novel release because I saw the art and loved it, wanted to see if the story was any good, and damn after chapter 2 I WAS GONE and then I checked out two copies from different stores for the two different sets of freebies 

--

A list of those I haven’t read but I see are highly raved about:

1. 二哈和他的白猫师尊 | The Husky & His White Cat Shizun by Meatbun

- I’ve already been spoiled and I know what goes on mostly, and there are a lot of warnings for a reason, but I’m still a fan, and let’s not get into the debate on the content, I know I have to read this but the angst level is apparently ridiculous, so I need like some mental preparation before I sit down for it.

2. 千秋 | A Thousand Autumns by 梦溪石

3. 烈火浇愁 | Lie Huo Jiao Chou by Priest

4. 将进酒 | Qiang Jing Jiu by 唐酒卿

- A really good group of translators picked this up initially on Twitter, but then assholes were complaining that they were being too slow and insisting that machine translation (MTL) did an equally good and faster job, so the OG dropped it, and then another nice team picked it up, but MTL team is still being an asshole XD I’ve heard really good things about this one, it’s apparently quite complex as well, I’d liken it to Shapolang level? But it might be even more complex (with a lot of politics and stuff), so much so that apparently the printed novel comes with a relationship/character chart so readers are at any point in time clear on the characters which is like amazing XD

[gch1995]

Well, you can be bitter about it, but the decision that Obi-Wan will achieve space nirvana(or whatever you want to call it, no offence to believers) has been made by Lucas decades ago. You can make pages long posts about how OWK was a dirty manipulative liar who never did anything good in his life ever, but then you also ought to explain how he managed to achieve the harmony with the Force if he was so terrible as you claim. Maybe, just maybe, your interpreation isn't 100% correct.

I never said he never had any softer traits at all, but he was never a profoundly good person either. He helped save the lives of the middle and upper class elite Republic. He did keep Anakin’s marriage to Padme a secret because he cared.

While it also was a manipulative move of self-sacrifice to further motivate Luke to kill off Vader for him, I’m sure a part of him did genuinely want to help save his life in A New Hope.

For the most part, though, he just happens to usually be a deceitful, hypocritical, insensitive, manipulative, and occasionally vindictive, though generally well-meaning, cult raised “true believer” Jedi, who is too devoted to kissing Yoda’s ass and living in denial of his true self to be the perfect Jedi™️ than he is in being a good friend, guardian, or mentor that he secretly wants to be.

Yeah, he’s generally flat and static in the main narrative of the OT and PT because that’s the whole role of his character as the supporting character and foil in Anakin’s and Luke’s stories. It’s not a story in which he’s a compelling, dynamic, or particularly relatable character to the average viewer and reader because he’s not supposed to be. Obi-Wan is supposed to be representative of how the old Order’s dogma failed even its most devoted and compliant members, who would live in denial and generally be willing sacrifice the well-being of anyone they cared about to fit in. The fact that Kenobist fans want him to be some great hero or some compelling tragic figure with all this character development, for better and/or worse, just isn’t who his character is meant to be in the main narrative of the OT and PT movies. Those are Anakin’s and Luke’s roles, and the more that the writers under Disney try to force him into those roles to cater to Kenobists, the more they fall flat, and/or contradict previously established canon.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Saturday 23 January 1836

8

11 25

No kiss ready in an hour F41 ½° at 9 and rainy, windy, stormy morning after a boisterous night - breakfast at 9 and till 10 20 read from p.241 to 280 Holland’s Laws of life - then a little while with Marian to tell her John (Clarke, the footman) was not up - no better this morning than yesterday evening - I meant to send him home this afternoon - called away to a ‘Mr. William Barker junior Mill-wright  Mill-wood, near Todmoden’ - he had heard of my proposed wheel and would be glad of the job - said the specifications were given out sometime ago - I was sorry he was too late - but if the engineer not satisfied with any of the estimates given in, which was not probable, and if any more specifications were therefore given out I would remember him, Mr. Barker - out at 11 ¼ - with Mark Hepworth who spite of weather (but it had been fair from about 10 am) had brought 5 one horse cart loads of stuff tumbled down into Whiskam quarry in consequence of the wall above falling (this a separate job done by day - began it this morning - his 2 single horse carts and Frank with my one were to have done the whole today) sent Frank off after Mark - he had loosed off before after fetching one load and the wind was so high - and this beat them off again in the afternoon tho’ I rather fancy Mark did what he would call make up his day Frank aetatis 43 Mark 10 years older - with Mallinson and his boy boring sleepers, and in the latter part of the afternoon guarded (with 3 [miene] feet long posts) the large oak planted yesterday - Robert Mann was setting his men on at the Lower fishpond (cutting away old road way and covering scale brought from Walker pit drift) at 11 ½ to make up ¾ day, but I said they had better wait till after dinner which would make only ½ day - but had them in the latter part of the afternoon (from about 3pm) getting large sycamore from near the Lodge - one that was almost blown down - and kept them late about this and earthing up and sodding (not quite finished) the large oak planted yesterday - Frank carted the sycamore to its place in the coal pit field just below the new road to block out Mr. Moore’s great storing house - I had gone into the house about 1, meaning to write but Mr. Jubb came - my aunt better and A- going on well - John beginning again in the fever - to call at Mr. Jubb’s for a strong dose of physic to be taken tonight on his reaching his brothers’ at Keighley - a pity he had not sooner mentioned his feeling ill - asked Mr. J- if he thought me justified in the man home - yes! perfectly - I must (he said) have some consideration for all the rest in the house - he would tell John to call in medical advice for if the medicine did not remove the pain in his chest he ought to be bled tomorrow morning - John Booth went with John Clarke to H-x and they were off at 2 - I had just before seen John C- and told him to return as soon as he was well but not before he

 SH:7/ML/E/18/0166

 he might stay away a week or if necessary a fortnight - but to write to George and let us know how he was going on - paid him wages from the day of his coming 13 May last to 13 February next ¾ year = £18/ ¾ = £18÷3/4 = £13.10.0 - out again at 2 1 /4 - at the Lodge and about the sycamore etc till came in at 5 25 - had Mr. Husband till 6 - thinks £11 will do the cascade bridge rustic arch towards the fishpond - Thomas Clinton (Nelson’s quarrier) to find ashler ready squared and jointed leaving the outside edge rough, from 2ft. 6in. to 3ft. long, and about a ft. deep (enough according to Mr. H-) to find this at 7 1/2d. per cubic ft. - and I said it ought to be carted here for 2d. per cubic ft - we shall want 100 ft at 9 1/2d = £3.19s.2d - the Mytholm 4 cottages will be completed for under £100 - Booth’s job will take him 3 weeks - the cascade bridge arch 2 or 3 days- Mr. H- sorry I gave Mallinson so much to do here - wanted at Northgate - spoke for a friend of his (Mr. Husbands’) a house joiner from near Manchester to do the Lodge, and other joiners’ job, saying that I had constant work for a joiner for sometime to come - I said no! - constant work for any length of time could not be counted upon - when I was from home I had nothing done - but I thought Mallinson would rather have jobs himself and employ men to do them than have a stranger brought in - but I would speak to him - dressed - dinner at 6 20 - coffee - 40 minutes with my father and Marian - A- a minute or 2 with my aunt who seemed poorly at 1st but I staid with her 20 minutes till 8 ¼ and she talked cheerfully - then sat with A- looking over the last gentlemen’s magazine -reading the article on Norse Literature - interesting enough - shewing that the northmen (Maraudes) sea-kings or pirates who ravaged England and France etc were not only Danes and Norwegian but Swedes - the Anglo Saxons Scandinavians, not Germans - had George up, in my study, and settled his last weeks books, till 9 50 at which hour F44° and very boisterous windy night, but fair Rainy morning till about 10 or after afterwards fair except a few flying drops about 5 ¼ -  talked today to A- of going to Paris if my aunt is so much better as Mr. J- thinks she may be - Marian thinks she will live some years, will at any rate see out my father - she is in her 71st year he in his 83rd Robert Mann looked the empty cottage (late widow Greenwood) at the Conery - too small for him - not bound to leave his present cottage till the 1st of May - I said if he could wait, it would be strange if I could not make the cottage big enough twice as big as it is, by that time - here the matter ended

[popculturebuffet]

The Color of Friendship Review (Commissioned by WeirdKev27): A World of People

Happy Black History Month! Another day, another comission from longtime supporter of the blog Weird Kev and like a good chunk of his-non duck asks, he asked me for something outside my usual wheelhouse. In the past this has meant an episode of the short lived fox show whoops in which we found out how Santa dealt with the end of the world, didn’t know how doors worked, and interacted with some characters so thin you could remake the episode with just Mick Foley in a santa suit and carboard cutouts playing the characters lines and it’d be about the same, and earlier this month Sorry Wrong Meeting, an episode of a sitcom i’d never seen an episode of the Jeffersons about the KKK. So unsuprisingly his big comission for Black History Month was the 2000 Disney Channel Original Movie, The Color of Friendship. 

I couldn’t find much on the making of the film, which dosen’t entirely suprise me as at the time this came out, Disney was releasing around 10 a year and whlie that stopped shortly, it still was a whopping 6 a year for some time, ocasionally more ocasionaly less, slowly dwindling down to the two of year we have now. Though it’s still an ongoing concern and has been since the channel started in 83, closing in on 40 years ago, so it’s still impressive Disney hasn’t just outright phased them out. Then again the popular ones make them a lot of money and some like High School Musical and the Descendants Trilogies have broken out so big they’ve lead to spinoff books, tv series in the latter’s case, and all that stuff making them money hand over fist. So making some cheap movies that MIGHT end up making them rich and usually star people that are already on shows they have or were at one point is a no loose proposition, especially now they add an extra release to the Disney Plus callender twice a year. And while the library has it’s gaps and i’ve griped about them enough.. I will say it’s stil la damn good library and it’s nice to be able to watch a film like this, as the dvd was LONG out of print and likely horribly expensive, and while renting it was an option, it would’ve chipped into what I got commissioned for the film. Still would’ve done it it just would’ve sucked to loose money on the deal, if only two bucks, for something I had no control over. Still would do that over adding it onto the comission fee. Point is stuff that’s not been easy to get for some time is now just a few clicks or taps of the remote away, and having the VAST majority of disney’s long and storied history from theatrical to dcom to weird tv oddities like.. this thing

I don’t know what Fuzzbucket is, and frankly I don’t want to know.. I mean I will for a comission or something but i’m not going to go out of my way to find out what that thing is and if it can give me scabies through a telvision screen despite being fictional and proabably long dead. At least I tell myself it’s long dead so ic an sleep at night without worrying about that thing breaking into my house and watchnig me while I sleep changing “SOON JACOB, SOON”. So yeah while you’ll hear me complain about the gaps in DIsney Plus’ library a lot on this blog. 

I will give credit where it’s due, and what is on there is pretty expansive and now includes the Muppet Show, which I give them full credit for as that probably took a LOT of work and money to make happen. Plus WandaVision is fucking fantastic, especially now i’m finally all caught up. 

But while as I said I couldn’t find much on the making of the film I did find a bit on it’s inspiration: It was inspried by a short story wrtten by Piper Dellums, a writer, poet and activist, and daughter of Ron Dellums. Dellums is a notable congressman who fought against apartheid and constantly fought for a bill to divest from South Africa, something that SHOCKINGLY, Ronald Regan tried to veto because he was a racist disney anamatronic what did you expect, and all in all seemed pretty awesome. He sued Bush SR to try and prevent Desert Storm, in his earliest days in office had an exibit near his phsyical office of vietnam war crimes to try and hold them acountable and in general seems to be a fascenating, hardworking man who constantly and religiously fought for the people and against war. 

The story was a real life account of the Piper’s experince housing a South African Student, Marie, who the Delums Family expected to be black.. but turned out ot be white. During Apartheid, south africas racist as hell and horrifying goverment system of segregation that wasn’t abolished till the 90′s. As expected she was racist, but as a proudct of the horribly racist country she came from and much like with her fictional counterpart in this film, slowly grew to realize how fucked up her homeland was and by the time she went back, became an activist She and Piper were very close but her story ends tragically as eventually Piper stopped hearing from her after she was arrested and despite attempts to talk to her.. it was clear by the silence, and by the fact Piper visited South Africa post-aparthied to help and likely would’ve seen her.. that she was likely quitely killed by the state. But her story thankfully lives on, so join me under the cut to see how a 20 year old disney movie aired during black history month handles this difficult real life story, racisim and the 70′s. 

The Cast: Quick bit about the cast since I usually do this for first episodes of an animated show and wish i’d done so for my other film reviews so far. Though to keep things simple, i’m only doing the main four cast members, especailly since frankly outside of Mahree’s parents the rest are more supporting roles that don’t have a lot of screen time and in hte case of the south african embassy workers, are just there to be racist card board cutout villians.  Piper, who keeps her name from real life is played by Shadia Simmons, who eventually retired from acting to become a High School and Acting Teacher. During her career she was in a bunch of Disney Channel Original Movies, including the first two Zenon Movies, and was in a major role in a bunch of live action childrens shows: I Was A Sizth Grade Alien, Strange Days at Blake Holsely High, and Life with Derek, the only one of which i’ve seen and even then barely so I can’t comment on the rest of her work. Simmons does a decent job in the film, and does shine in the more dramtic scenes, not the best part of it but certainly not bad at all. 

Lindsay Haun plays Mahree, and had more of an acting career after this one, having a small recurring role on True Blood as Hadley, while also directing some smaller films. Haun is easily one of the two highlights of the movie and the best of the two main tween actresses by a mile. More on that in a bit. 

Next we have Carl Fucking Lumbly as Congressman Ron Dellums. Carl has had a long and storied career and the fucking is because of what I best know him from: Playing the Martian Manhunter Jon Jonzz on Justice League. And let me not undersell it: his version of Jon is waht made me LOVE the character, still do to this day, being the first time I encountered any version of Jon and the one I still love the most, a stoic man who tries to adapt to a world he feels he can never be a part of, adding shades to his stitled demeanour to show off his emtitons and in general being the heart and soul of what made this verison work and made me love the character with his performance. He’s done other stuff too including Cagney and Lacey, Doctor Sleepand what have you.. but he’ll always be Jonn to me and that’s not a bad thing in the slightest. Unsuprisingly he’s the other standout here. 

Finally we have Penny Johnson as Ron’s wife and Piper’s Mother Roscoe,  who played Captain Sisko’s love intrest on Deep Space 9 and was one of the leads on castle. Haven’t seen either of those but she does seem awesome and does a terrific job here. 

Moving on to the film itself.. it’s really fantastic. It has some awkwardness and goofy bollocks as you’d expect from a disney channel original movie in 2000, but it handles a really heavy subject, race relations, gracefully and clearly with the goal of educating an audience with a lot of white kids in it about race. So I can praise what it does right i’m going to be handling the parts that are a bit wobbly first so I can get to the good stuff

Awkwardness and Goofy Bollocks:

First the out and out criticism: The films TV Movie roots show in places, as this film lacks the polish these films would have later this decade, with the film barely having an opening title sequence and just sorta throwing you in, though to their credit it does open with the utterly awesome Back in Love Again, because 70′s. 

That slaps and that’s an undeniable fact. What’s also an undenaible fact is the film dosen’t try the hardest to be very 70′s in it’s sets and what not, though it does do it a little with the clothes and that not being the case with Mahree is intentional, as her family while wealthy is from another culture and one literally and metaphorically behind the times. 

I will also say Shadia Simmons is a decent actress, but is mildly weak in comparison to the other 3 in the leads, but its more the result of putting a pretty standard child sitcom actress up against two experinced actors who know what their doing and one whose about as experinced as her, but simply has a LOT to work with and goes above and beyond. It’s less that she’s bad and more that she’s simply not as good as what’s around her, and in general I tend to go easier on child actors since it’s not an easy job for a grown adult much less a teenager, it’s very pressurey and there’s a reason a LOT of them bottom out as they get older or retire all together. 

I will say though that Piper’s brothers are awful and I feel are only there because she actually had brothers. The actors try, i’m not pinning this on them but writing wise their just two little shits who contirbute ntohing of value to any scene their in, being generally way to young to get into the heavy topic at hand, and mostly being there for unfunny shneanigans. They aren’t in the film too much otherwise they might’ve ruined it for me, but if Shadia struggles a bit agianst sttronge perofrmances imagine who younger actors with the stage direction “Be the bane of my existence” and you’ll MAYBE see the problem. 

The film also loves cheesy time passing montages, including an actual factual shopping montage, easily the goofiest, but it’s something you’d expect from a dcom and helps lighten the mood. That’s a running theme outside the brothers there really isn’t anything too silly.. until the last act.  See in the last act, the film tackles the real life death of Steve Biko, a South African activist against apartheid who was captured by the state and very transparently murdered in jail. with the government claming he killed himself which no one bought because why would they, and it sparked riots worldwide and finally got the US to take Apartheid seriously according to the film. Though as I mentioned earlier Regan did not in case you thought the republican party being terrible and deeply racist was a brand new thing. It was not. Guys like Tucker Carlson and Former President Trump are a symptom, not the disease.. though they certainly look and feel like some form of plauge. Point is Mahree is breifly taken by the embassy.. whose staff who take her feel like the Disney Channel Original Movie form of Nazi’s. The heavy accents, the way they compose themselves... I half expect an elderly indiana jones to show up to whip the piss out of them. And dont’ get me wrong, the only diffrence between these pricks and a nazi is the fact they don’t call themselves nazis, this isn’t a nuanced horrifying racist to be scared of but a saturday morning cartoon version. 

While  white supremacists in real life can be cartoonishly evil, again see trump and carlson, it does kind of undercut the seriousness and nuance of things to have your villians be cold, cackling cutouts who are 5 seconds away from saying “You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor take her away” to our heroine, especailly since Mahree’s reaction to being taken away and confusion at everything and at being treated like a prisoner by her own people are very painful and very well acted.   I do get showing them as monsters, because they were, but given Mahree’s father who as a south african police man was DEFINTELY ONE and even outside his racisim doubts and downtalks his own daughter, still feels like an actual person, if not a GOOD person, they could’ve done better and did in the same film. 

But that stuff aside.. I really can’t find much that’s honestly that silly or bad and as you can tell what little I did was more a product of being a tv movie. So now i’ve got the negatives out of the way

This Film Is Pretty Good: It truly is, for a lot of reasons. But the biggest is the nuance. It could’ve been easy to just have Maree as some racist kid needing to learn a lesson who was openly cruel and easy to jeer at.. but the film went iwth the reality: that she was instead an extremley privlaged and insulated girl who simply NEVER knew better. To her her very racist and segregated world is just the way the world worked for her and she dosen’t even consider when the Dellums come to pick her up minus Ron these aren’t servants and her own servant’s words fall on deaf ears, as the poor woman tries to make it clear how miserable her life is and how much she deseprately wants this child to do better. Marhee is never actively malicious even when, due to the shock of her all black host family, she baricades herself in Piper’s room. It’s obnoxious sure and CERTAINLY hurtful and the film makes no bones about it and Piper rightfully calls her out on it. The film dosen’t let her get away with any intetnional racisim like that and after Piper calls her out, she realizes she’s been selifsh and makes a genuine effort. And even then the film makes a good choice in not making it an easy road to realization. Mahree makes a genuine effort in the first place not because of any big revelation or anything, but because she simply hears her dad in her head telling her she’d give up after a week and that, coupled with Piper’s words, makes her see herself as a selfish brat. Even after she’s floored by a mall where black and white people stand side by side aand casually talks about horrors like ID Cards like i’ts a GOOD thing, because that’s what she’s been taught by her dad. That black people are happy being told where they can and can’t go when no they weren’t they simply had no chocie in the matter. And while we do see early on when an asshole at a restraunt assaults a waiter for an accident that Mahree clearly isn’t okay with the more horrifying side of things, she still dosen’t quite grasp WHY that happened, simply that it’s something that does reguarly she dosen’t like. It’s excellently, and unsuprisingly called back when they visit an ice cream place in the states and something similar happens.. but the guy takes it in stride, even ordering a sundae, to Maree’s confusion. 

It’s what makes the film work and all the more striking: As Roscoe makes clear to Ron, whose admant about nto having a racist in the house, this is not her fault. While the film makes it clear Mahree’s behavior at first was not okay and her prejudiece is not okay, it also makes it VERY clear she’s a product of a terrible system and terrible parenting from people who choose to benneift from the system instead of challenge it. She’s only like this because she hasn’t had a reason to ever think diffrent and just took her parents at face value and no mater the country, this is something that sadly happens far too often: Someone hating a group or thinking discrimination is okay because that’s how they were taught and that’s all they’ve known and the only way to change that is to challenge that opinon and try to get them to have some empathy and see the other way and as this film shows it’s a struggle.. and at the end of the day while the Dellums make a concentrated effort, Maree is the one who has to realize what her parents taught her is bad and her country is inherently flawed and NEEDS to change, just like ours did, and STILL badly needs to. 

And that’s where the nuance kicks in as the good congressman is understandable in not wanting a racist in his house... but his wife is equally right that Maree is not some easy symbol of his hatred towards south africa, but a girl who grew up knowing nothing more than the fucked up system, and eventually he comes around, realizing , especially after she apologizes for him even thinking she’d use a racial slur on piper after a very powerful conversation with the two and piper accidently saying she used the South African N Word, almost accidently getting her friend thrown out, that she simply hasn’t been outside her shell and gently guides her to keep reading roots, even letting her take it with her if she wants back home. The film shows the full pain of the situation  but also shows change is posisble. Again it’s not easy, Mahree has a panic attack waiting in an almost all black line in school and it’s shown to be as horrible a thought as it is., but she DOES change and it comes off as real, as someone realizing the system they grew up with is broken and needs to be fixed and she can’t just sit back and let it. 

What makes this happen, besides the aformentioned kidnapping by saturday morning cartoon racists, is Piper confronting her after a friend from south africa forces Piper to acccept that while her and Mahree are friends, Mahree might not seee her as equal and Piper in turn in a heated argument and easily Simmons best performance of the film, that things are broken and wrong and that her “firend”, her nanny/servant back home, is not happy. It leaves Mahree crying and Ron telling her the honest truth: Change was, and again still is but this was 2000 and while we should’ve had this talk disney channel wasn’t ready for it, needed to make things better here.. and tha’ts what south african’s doing> Fighting for equal rights at last. It’s some powerful, heavy as hell stuff you woudln’t expect from a line of movie that also include a robot house, before that was an actual thing, a merMAN dad MerMan, a boy slowly turning into a leprechaun, and at least two diffrent movies centering around wacky kidnappings. It’s a nuanced and hard look at race, as hard as late 90′s jsut turned into the 2000′s disney could get mind, aimed at kids and the film, whiel stilted really has my utter praise. It’s genuinely moving, well acted and teaches a valuable message that while not eveyrone can change.. it dosen’t hurt to try and help them, as well as the equal message that change start with YOU. someone has to WANT to be better and learn and actually let other people in to help them. And I wont’ lie and say this is the most naunced or subtle film.. at time’s it’s about as subtle as a ralph wiggum throught he window

But sometimes you don’t need to be. It also taught kids about apartheid, not me as I barely saw the film, but many learned of something ghoulsih that had barely ended at the time of the film’s release, something I only learned about as a teen via bloom county and a diffrent world, which has an utterly awesome apartheid episode “A World Alike”. Seriously check it out if you have prime, as it shows that america isn’t the only country with a deep history of ingraned racisim. And was it an easy way to have an anti racisim narriative without fully confronting america’s own racist history? Yup. Just.. yup. Can I blame Disney Channel for it when they clearly, while equipped to tackle racisim, weren’t ready to tackle something that dense or heavy, and while Proud Family later would there’s a diffrence between a 20 minute one off episode of a cartoon and 90 minutes of film? Yeah. For what it is and for what the time period is, I applaud this film taking on such a heavy topic with grace. Some goofyiness here and there yes and some lack of subtly.. but still grace. For what it is is, it’s pretty good and i hope to show it to my nieces one day soon. It has i’ts heart in the right place and thus has a place in my heart. See you next rainbow. 

[letusmeetagain]

Hi! Hope you’re doing well! I wanted to thank you for your insightful posts about SnK, both here and on your twitter. This fandom is hell, and finding people who read and interpret the actual canon and don’t twist everything is an almost herculean task by itself… I just wanted to touch briefly on your twitter thread about Christianity and SnK. I didn’t know at all that Isayama was indirectly inspired by Paradise Lost! [1/5]

Hi miscellaneous!

I hope you too are doing well! I had some... complicated days behind me but it’s getting better again.

Sorry that I post it publicly but I wanted to share this because it’s very interesting! :-)

I’m glad that my thread was helpful :D. I thought people would hate to read something like that but I had the connection with the Interview Isayama mentioned and it kinda disturbs me that people believe that Eren is doing right, you know. Like a savior.

Regarding HDM, I was aware of this series because of the first movie. The story is highly compelling and relatable to me but I couldn’t find the time to read the books yet. Despite of that, I ended up investigating about it back then and it’s true. It’s was even criticized because it was a provocation against catholic religion or something like that.. like it was “pushing young people to oppose religion“ or a fallacy like that. It should be in wikipedia, I guess.

Everything that criticizes corrupted powers might be object of criticts too. I found interesting the fact that there’s a limit in this idea of fighting against god. It’s not starting a revolution out of fanatism but as a mechanism of regulation. That’s what HDM shows. Apple (the way I laugh when I think about an apple now), titans’ power, the dust, knowledge, immortality, fire, etc. are all sources of capability that allow people to do something: it’s a progress for humanity. The nature of the usage depends then on the holder.... and as Armin said, you can’t be benefitial for everyone... it’s just impossible.

To give some context to what comes next: I was raised in a Roman Catholic environment, empowered enough to search for the right limit of things, some openminded teachers and also in the belief that god is love and not a punisher or an executioner. That being said...

If we think about the difference between the image of god that is in the Bible first in the old testament and then in the new testament, you see that the God in the OT is somehow terrifying, a punisher and a bit unapprochable. In the NT, Jesus came to make him more human, with his flaws too, but trying to revert some old notions of him and justice (like “eye for eye”- law of retaliation). He said insted: stop the cycle of hatred and forgive the human you have in front of you. I see that kind of change in Amin’s and Mikasa’s actions towards Gabi. She was forgiven. Same with Uri. In science you call it paradigm shift because there’s a 180 degree change in the mindset. And that’s why people like Gabi or Kenny, who were used to the rule of violence, are shocked to see love and compassion... like Eren’s reaction to Armin’s word when they met for the first time.

All in all the god in the OT was meant to make people obey, the one in the NT to revert the toxic human behaviors of civilization. God acquired the image of someone that holds compassion and wisdom enough to relief humanity’s sins while being approchable and an equal to us. But both versions are in the end just human interpretations of god that aimed to give humanity what it needed in different moments of history.

In Paradise Lost, SnK and HDM you have exactly a kind of god that is more like an authority, a despotic one and it’s valid to raise against injustice. In SnK, the 145th king was a big farce. He was willing to condemn his whole reign... not to mention how many flaws had that half-hearted intent of a paradise. Asians, Ackermans...Genocide? What’s that? How can you raise an empire over such a crime?

Machiyama’s interview shows that violence is unavoidable in the end. So in order to change corrupted systems it’s needed to use violence. I don’t really agree with that as well as I don’t agree with Isayama’s approach of the rumbling for the moment. I come from a country where we celebrate every single battle fought 200+ years ago for our freedom. So I understand the difference between Japan’s history where they lost a war originated from human greed compared to the history of my country, that started a revolution to gain what someone took away first. Slight difference of ideals.

I think Eren just made it clear that all people is equal, it doesn’t depend on their sides, for him is not about the outside but the common base: humanity. So the punishment is against humans... Eren included. Right now he is the “god” and it’s legit to try to overthrow him because of the excesses originated from his own weakness. If he embodies now a god that got corrupted and a symbol of hatred, humanity as a whole should stop him while deciding to let go of the original sin of being easily corrupted.

Long story short: This is all about to make people aware of their gods/rulers. PL, HDM and SnK show this sense of “don’t be just a slave”(***), try to judge the power ruling over you and if it’s not just, leave it behind. In the beginings of human history, submission, fear and punishment were important. Now it’s already time that everyone is empowered to judge and regulate it in order to limit any excess originated from greed and misuse of power. In the uprising, Erwin, Niles, Pixis and the aristocrats together showed this. They had to prove that they were the right rulers, and Erwin submitted to that decision process in form of a gamble but actually... he knew they weren’t suitable rulers.

(***) hey now that I think about it... Eren dared Mikasa to question her feelings and her personal image of him... hummmm...

Well... sorry for the rant. This topic is my jam. However, don’t mind to share your toughts! I appreciate it and this is indeed related to SnK! Other works help us sometimes to put things in perspective :)

Thank you!!

[callmeunstable]

Angels & Demons - Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Characters: Reader, Godling, Healer

Summary: She finds herself in the middle of a unknown forest after falling asleep. It seems like a normal forest until she gets to meet a mystical creature that welcomes her in a different world.

Warnings: Monsters, Cursing, Blood

Words: 2.000+

A/N: Hey! This is the second part of my The Witcher Fic. I accidentally deleted this part so I had to reupload ot. Yes I cried, but thankfully I still had the draft saved on my laptop.

Disclaimer: GIF’s and PNG’s are taken from Tumblr and are not mine! Credits to the creators!

Tags: @marvelbrat @charliestuff

Song: I couldn’t find the original one sooo

Absently, Alva wondered if most of the monsters were meant to be as beautiful and kind as James, or if this one was an exception to the rule, her mind struggled to hold on to one thought, with a whole new world opening in front of her.

“I know the healer of the village on the other side of the forest. She’s nice. She brings fruits to me from time to time. She will help you.” James hopped in front of her leading the way out of the woods.

She couldn’t believe anything her eyes captured. There are bad creatures. According to the Godling, there are a lot of them. The boy explained to her, that “Drowners” inhabit both natural and artificial bodies of water, from rivers and lakes to mill ponds and city sewers. It is commonly thought that these creatures are drowned men, somehow arisen from the dead to prey on the living. This opinion is as widespread as it is false, for the beasts are another post-Conjunction relict.

She couldn’t believe that this Godling just was a boy but knowing such crucial things about this life. She remembered James talking about the powers he has, that’s how he was able to save her.

“Hey, play some more of your music, please? I love the sound of it and we have to walk some time.” The Godling begged and gave his best puppy face.

She grabbed her phone and she had an idea. Maybe she was able to call or text her dad? Letting him know she’s okay. She wasn’t sure if this was the best idea she ever had, but still better than making him believe she was dead.

No signal. Of course.

“Music, please.”

She pressed the icons on her phone monotonously and a random song started playing.

 “Oh dear, oh dear, I’m sorry

That you grew up so soon

A cold year and no high school parties

I’ve been drinking alone

Oh, I’ve been drinking alone”

 “A blessing to my ears. What's the name of this bard?” The Godling started dancing along while walking in front of the girl.

“What is a bard?” These questions came automatically out of her mouth, wanting to know everything about this world.

Knowledge is power. Even in a world like this. If she knows what she has to be careful about, she can start to protect herself.

“You know the man and women writing songs and these lovely texts of legends, stories of their personal experiences, or their imaginations. I don’t care what they are about. I care about the melodies. I love the tunes.” James seemed to drift off in a state where he was admiring the artists and musicians at this time the whole way out of the woods.

He specifically talked about a Bard called Priscilla. A young woman famous for her poetry.

 “So, don't fear, don’t fear their warnings

They’re bitterer than most

4 years of driving across the country

For empty seats at their shows

And they’ve been drinking alone.”

 Less and fewer trees came along their way and after some more minutes, a village became visible. Still far away but the girl decided to turn off the music which was rewarded with an angry look of the Godling.

“Her cottage isn’t in the village. It's right here!”

He took a sharp turn between some trees and as told, a small cabin was revealed in front of them. It was old. Looked like a typical middle-aged, self-made cottage. Random kinds of stones were piled upon each other, connected by something that seemed to be a kind of cement. A small chimney was built on top and was busy blowing smoke out of it.

“Savilla! I want to show you, my new friend.” The boy shouted and Alva begged it was quiet enough so no one around could hear them. She wasn’t ready to meet anyone in this world, at least for now.

The old wooden door of the cottage opened and a middle-aged woman stepped out of the house. She was beautiful. Her Long black hair was braided down to the small waist of hers. Her long dress was colored with a dark wood green tone. A small V-neck covered her chest mostly and the butterfly sleeves made her look like a princess. A less fancy princess but a gorgeous one.

“Hello, my lovely James. How can I help you today?” Savilla had a warm smile on her face and holding her arms out for e hug.

The Godling happily jumped into her arms, to just leave them a couple of seconds later to point hysterically at Alva.

“This is my friend Alva. She got lost in my forest and a Drowner hit her. I think shes not from hear so she needs your help.”

Savilla laid her eyes on the small girl for the first time. Silently analyzing every single part of her. At this moment Alva realized that she was a unicorn in this world. Her clothes looked completely different from Safillas and James’. She was wearing a red lumberjacket that revealed her sports bra. Some pair of sporty leggings rested on her legs and short sneakers tied on her feet. Her favorite outfit for hiking. At least her fake leather bag seemed to fit the surroundings.

It wasn’t hard to tell that if the person in front of her wasn’t a cosplayer of Lord of the Rings, she had to be stuck in some kind of middle age century.

“Yes, she's not from here. I can tell.” The firm look of the women changed into a friendly smile. “Come in, I think it’s the best if no one sees you like this.”

Both Alva and James entered the cabin. Inside it was beautiful. Flower and herbs were growing every in countless pottery. An out of stone made kitchen area filled the rest of the room with a cozy fireplace at the opposite wall. Different kinds of fabric and papers stuck to the wall. It was filled with colors and smells that made you feel instantly relaxed, at least if you’re a person like Alva.

“You don’t seem to be in a lot of pain.”, stated Safilla while grabbing a wooden chair and placing it in front of her, guiding her to sit down.

“It’s pretty numb right now. It was worse about an hour ago.” Alva tried to give off a normal impression. But what is normal in this world.

er “That what I was inferred already. You seem to be in shock. Your body numbed itself to protect you from the pain.” While investigating the big scratch she explaining typical injuries caused by Drowners.

“You’re lucky that you had James by your side. He’s a loyal soul.” The healer tossed an apple to the boy who caught it happily.

Savilla mixed some unfamiliar herbs and bandaged it up with a clean cloth.

“It should heal fast, it's not a deep cut. You are lucky.”

The women put everything back in place and then grabbed a stool herself.

“Where are you from?”, she asked.

Where was she from actually? Maybe similar countries still exist?

“Originally my family comes from Sweden but I live in the USA at the moment.” The girl explained but ended up not receiving the reaction she wanted.

“I never heard of a place like that. I traveled a lot through Cintra, Temeria, and Lyria. How did you end up here?”

The girl got quiet. She didn’t want to cause any trouble. She was a stranger to this world. How much corruption was she able to cause?

Alva felt a hand on her shoulder. Savilla gently pat her and gave her a motherly smile.

“Look dear, I’m not here to hurt you. I can see you disturbed, even traumatized. You have no idea how you got access to this world, have you?”

The girl started to tear up and found herself in a warm hug of the healer. She couldn’t help herself but at this moment everything that was built up throughout the day suddenly burst out of her.

Every breath felt like acid burning heart throat, inflaming her lungs. Her heart felt like somebody was squeezing out every single emotion trapped in there. Like a sharp blade that is cutting straight through her chest.

“Mark my words, one day will come when you finally realize that fate is inevitable. One day you will get passed all this pain and realize it was a lesson learned for a better future, for a better you. You believe that this was an accident. But in our world, everything happens for a reason.” Savilla didn’t break the contact because she knew that this girl needed it. This wasn’t the first time something like this happened. The same happened decades ago. When the monsters first got into this dimension.

“I can teach you if you let me.”

Alva lifted her head and looked at the healer.

“I can teach you how to survive in this world until we figure it a way how to get you back. You just need to let me help you.”

“How do you know?” The girl was confused, more confused than she was, to begin with. How much does this woman know?

“This is not the first time a portal opened on accident. What we need to figure out is, if this indeed was an accident or if you have a mission you have to fulfill. I will help you. That’s my duty. Let me explain. I’m a mage.”

Savilla explained to Alva that mages are basically what she knows as a witch. Only rare individuals have the potential to become mages and many of those with this potential are doomed to madness. Unless the individual in question - known as a source - learns to control their power quickly, he or she may end up a half-insane, slobbering oracle. That is why schools of sorcery were created, where talented children study for many years, acquiring knowledge and mastering magical skills. Because of their powers, mages age more slowly than ordinary people. Savilla herself attended a school called Aretuza. But she didn’t believe in their morals so she left and lives on her own.

Mages can extract magical energy from the four elements, transport themselves long distances and heal, as well as kill, in the blink of an eye. They have extensive scientific and political knowledge; in the latter respect, many mages are the equals of rulers.

A witch that is connected so some kind of rule book.

“Know you know about me, but for now we need to get you out of your clothes. They reveal your true identity. There are people out there who will view you as dangerous and they’ll get scared. We need to give you a new persona. But for now, let’s start easy. No one will look for you because James took care of that. New clothes will at least give you the appearance of our dimension.”

Savilla walked in a different room and you could her searching sounds. Fabrics got thrown around after her steps came closer again.

As she walked into the room she showed off a dress similar to hers. The dress was white and it had some floral symbols embroidered in the fabric. Her sleeves were also long and wide, almost touching the ground. The White of the dress was mostly protected by a moss green light coat that had a corset on the front. The white dress was strapless but unseen due to the green coat. On top of that Savilla brought her some flat sandals.

“I can give you some pants to wear underneath the dress if you’d like. Is more efficient when you have to move quickly.” The mage was happy she could assist that young girl. She finally had a purpose to assist to.

Alva only nodded along, speechless by the kindness the woman was offering her.

Savilla walked up to her with a hairbrush and put her hair into different styles. “And maybe we can do something with your hair, putting it up or braid-“, she hesitated the moment when she was putting her hair up. “I think it looks fitting already.”

Quickly brushing Alva's hair down again.

[ashestospace]

Sebastian x Maid!reader

The summer breeze softly shocked the trees. The beginning of the day was just like the many others, quiet, tame, tranquil when the sun rises slowly. What the day had in store for you was as close to a mystery as well as the man that seemed to invade your thoughts daily.  A deep sigh escapes your lips as you stare out the window. The Sun's warmth light welcoming you to another day in the Phantomhive manor, another day of cleaning after your colleagues and following a certain navy-blue haired boy's orders. You almost didn't even want to stand up to start the day at this point just by thinking of all the things you will possibly have to do because of your friend's clumsy behavior. But the thought of a certain butler washes up all those thoughts away like a wave. Sebastian... You haven't been able to talk with that man in a while or have a decent conversation as a matter of fact. With the usual ruckus, it hasn't given you the chance to get closer to him as you wanted.

But today for sure you were bound to make a change to it! You got yourself ready, taking your time to make yourself presentable. A maid has to keep a good image for its household of course. You made your way out of your room and into the hallway. Meyrin was going to be awake soon so you went up head to start cooking breakfast for everyone. The kitchen was empty at this hour which was perfect to start with. Leaving breakfast simple you decided to make eggs and toast. Quietly humming to yourself as you cook, your mind went off to its little world. Not noticing the certain visitor watching from afar. His crimson red eyes study your figure as it sways left and right as you cook. As soon as you finish and we're about to reach up to get plates to put the food on, a firm chest press against your back gently as a gloved hand reach for the plates. Your breath got caught up on your throat as you looked up quickly.

Sebastian grabbed the plates before looking down at you with a smile. "Good morning y/n I didn't know you were up this early" he steps back as he places the plates on the counter. Going ahead of you and serving the food. "oh good morning Mister Sebastian! I well woke up a tad early and decided to go ahead and make breakfast for everyone" you did hand gestures towards the food. Giving the butler a nervous but small smile. "I could have helped you, you know. Do tell me next time will you?" He gave you a sympathetic expression as he got the plates and place them on the table. "Yeah I know but I wanted to do it for you, you're always doing it for us...so I thought..that it will be a good little task out of your hands?" You played with hands as you looked down at the floor. Sebastian let out a chuckled at this. "That's sweet of you y/n but what kind of butler will I be if I couldn't do such simple task as this?" He raised an eyebrow at the female. "Um, a busy one?" You blurt out with not much thought. Sebastian shook his head with a smile. Before he could say anything more Finnian walked in with Bardroy. "Morning Mister Sebastian, Morning y/n," they both said as they walked in. Sitting down at the table. "Morning you two," you said as you lean back on the counter.

"Well I will prepare the young Master for today, please start with your daily task as normal and do not get in any trouble so early understood"  the butler said in a serious tone as he sends a glare at the two servants. "Aye aye, Mister Sebastian!" Finnian said doing a solute as he shoved a fork full of food into his mouth. Bardroy waved a hand. "We won't mate" he mumbled out. Sebastian clicks his tongue as he made his way out of the kitchen.

You watch him exit out of the kitchen. You follow him with your gaze before making your way to peak over the door. His figure Disappear out of the hallway. You glance back at the boy's and to were Sebastian was. If I don't do anything now, the day will go to waste. "Uh guys ill...be back I just remember I have to do something" you mumble out as you run out to the hallway. You hurry as you try making your way to the Young Masters room as fast as possible. As soon as you turn to a corner you were hit on the face with someone's back. You fell back to the floor. "O..ouch.."

"Lady Y/n?" Sebastian looked down at you as he let go of the cart with the Master's breakfast.  "Uuh hey?" You blurt out without much thought as you look up at him. He extended a hand out for you to grab, you gratefully did as he pulls you up. "May I ask what were you in such a hurry for?" He questions with a raised brow. Your cheeks heat up quickly looking for an excuse to say. "Uh well...I was looking for you actually" you mumble out. "Oh? For?" A small smile raises upon his face. "Well, I thought ill help you out today! To uh make things simpler for you" You said doing hand gesture with an awkward smile.

"Oh.." he places a hand on the cart. "Is that all?" He said with a tone of tad disappointment. "Do you not want me too?.." You mumble back. "Oh no, I will love the help miss Y/N" he smiles at you as he turns to push the cart and started walking. Oh, guess I follow him then? You trail behind his tall figure. A slight smile on your face as he knocks in the door of the young master. Today I'll get to do it.

Throughout the whole day, you both attended on doing simple chores, getting the master ready, helping him with his lessons. All the Basic daily tasks. For once Sebastian quite enjoyed doing all these things with you helping him. Most of the time he'll just shrug all of it off like nothing but he enjoys having you trailing behind him trying to help him out. He found it comical here in there when you tried to imitate him while pouring tea. Or when you tried moving all the new delivered packages by yourself when you insisted to do it. Almost causing all of them to fall to the ground. It amused him, and it been a while since a simple human had piqued his interest like this. Its been a while since he had kept an eye out for you, and the more that time passes the more attracted and fascinated he is by you. He kept telling himself it was just hunger, another part of tells him something else his cold non-beating heart couldn't understand. But you were still human, what would your reaction to him being an actual demon even be?? Will you be disgusted? Scared? Terrified? He wanted to test you even if it meant going out of place on what a good manner butler was supposed to be.

The day was coming into an end, both of you walk silently down the hallway. "Today was interesting" he suddenly said to you. You looked up to him smiling. "Yeah, it was pretty fun helping you out" you admitted with pink cheeks. He hums in response as he stops walking. "Y/n" you stop as well. "Yes, Sebastian?" You raised a brow at him. He stares at you for a moment, he suddenly got closer to you. You step back out of instincts, he had such a serious face you didn't know what was going through his head. Your back hit the wall behind you. "Are you scared of me?" He suddenly asked.

"What?" You blurt out to confuse. He leans forward closer to your face, a hand rested on top of your head not letting you escape even if you dared. "I asked are you afraid of me?" He said it again with such a low serious tone. "Of c..course not, you have not given me a reason to be" you mumble out as you stare at his crimson eyes. He gently brought a hand to your chin. His eyes change into a bright red color. "I wonder...will that change if you knew what I am now?" He whispers out. "Will you scream? Cry for help? Cry monster or for god?" He whispers out in a low tone. You felt like you were in a trance, you shivered slightly. You shakily extended a hand over his cheek. "I don't care who or what you are..all that matters is how you feel now, I will never be afraid..not without a really good reason" You whisper out to him.

He blinks a few at times before he let out a closed eye chuckled. "Then you won't mind if i.." He grazed your upper lip with his thumb. "Show you why You should be afraid.." He pecked your lips softly a few times. The blood rushes up to your head quickly. You shakily hold into his face as you kiss him back. "Y-you can try.." You mumble out with a flustered expression. This brought him to crash his lips against yours roughly. His hand snaked around your waist to bring you closer to him as he attacked your lips. The heat soon engulfs you as you couldn't help but wrap your arms around him. He nibbles and pulls on your lip rather roughly before pulling away letting you catch your breath.

You panted for air softly as you looked up to his eyes. Your legs felt like they wanted to give in and fall to the ground. But his arm was holding you into place. "Hm, you don't know how long I been holding back on doing that Kitten" he breathed out as he nuzzled his face against your neck. You were still trying to process what just happen. "Well, i-uh good to know you were in the same predicament as I Sebastian.." You mumble out with a smile at the gesture. "oh so you didn't mind it?" he mumbles out. "heh not really..." you said happily before pausing for a moment. "wait... Sebastian..." "hm?" "what even are you just curious" "...."

....

This is old and posted in Wattpad originally months ago so it ain't that good lmao

[guylty]

Today’s post comes as a mixed bag of inconsequentialities, both RA-related and OT, just because I have – oh wonder – a renewed urge to write a blog post. It proves a point I made in an earlier post that I am more likely to blog when I need some hobby writing in order to balance out work writing. I have just spent a few hours (!) dealing with the CMS of my new copy writing client, hence I am keen on writing for fun now. Let’s start off with a bit of Armitage.

Spooks 7

Over on Twitter we have been doing a Spooks 7 re-watch over the last few weeks. On Saturday we finished episode 4 with a handful of us live-tweeting while we watched the show simultaneously. It has been a while since I watched Spooks, and it is actually quite fun to revisit Lucas North after a long time. There is, obviously, the fact that RA looks so skinny and young in the role – which is no wonder, as we all know that he starved himself to look like a very gaunt ex-prisoner at the start of the season. Also, the show was made 12 to 13 years ago *omg* – time has passed since then although RA could very easily still play an MI5 agent. In fact, he’d make a very convincing “Sir” Lucas as the head of the counter-terrorism department. Yeah, yeah, I know, that option was taken away from us when they killed off the character – literally and figuratively – in season 9. But just sayin’. In any case, I was watching from my box set of season 7, and it just occurred to me that Lucas is actually front and centre (figuratively speaking) on the cover. At least in terms of size, he is the biggest head 🤭 on the cover. And he gets quite a smoulder on for Disc 4 (see above) 😁. BTW – isn’t that the worst tagline you have ever seen on a spy thriller??? “MI5 not 9 to 5” – jeepers, I suppose that is meant to be funny, but boy does it feel like a flat pun 😂…

Among other things that we delved into with the meagre 140 characters at our disposal, was Lucas ex-wife Elizabeta. It has always struck me as somewhat strange how she was written. So, she is his ex-wife. Lucas is quite clearly still in love with her when he finally returns after 8 years in prison. She, however, having been told he was dead, has divorced (?) and moved on. Fair enough. However, given that she divorced him not knowing why he had actually vanished, it feels a bit strange to me that she has so little feeling for him. Ok, she seems to have a new relationship (and a child), and it would be extremely confusing to find oneself faced with the beloved husband that had been declared dead. Nevertheless I found her a bit too cold. (Or am I in APM-by-proxy?)

Anyway, it was a fun hour spent together on Twitter. Don’t expect any in-depth discussions about characters or scenes, it’s mainly pithy remarks. But if you want to join in, I am sure our organiser mujertropical would be happy to have you. We’re on again next Saturday at 8pm BST.

Couple of OT Updates

No word from the recruiter re. my job application/interviews last week. It’s Tuesday now; the interview was on Thursday. Ok, I get the message 😁. I guess the job is not on. And tbh with you, I am relieved. Don’t get me wrong, it was great to get some validation through this expedited application process. But I wasn’t altogether sure whether I wanted to work full-time for the small amount of money they were offering… This way I won’t have to engage in unpleasant salary negotiations…

For those of you curious about my latest upcycling project: The tray table has been transformed and is now in situ.

Tray table as picked up at the dump

After cleaning and repainting

The final object, distressed, decoupaged and now in situ on the landing:

A Score

I can’t tell you exactly what made me look into online auctions last week, but somehow I looked at an Irish auction site and I spotted a small porcelain figurine whose style looked familiar to me.

I am neither a collector of porcelain, nor do I actually find these particular figurines particularly cute, but I immediately recognised them as “Hummel figurines”. They are quite well-known in Germany and have been collectibles for the past 70 years. The older they are, the more valuable. They are not my cup of tea at all, but my mum has a couple of those figurines and apparently really loves them, so I placed a bid on the auction, hoping that no one in Ireland is aware of what these figurines can be worth. Bingo. I won the figurine for 25 Euro – my maximum bid because the auction did not provide any details about the age of the figurine. Today I picked it up, and it turns out to be from the 1950s (judging by the trademark underneath), which makes it a bit more valuable than my bidding price. I saw the number 150 pop up a few times… Suffice to say I am chuffed. My mum’s birthday present is sorted ✔️

Revisiting the past

I can’t even tell you why and how, but somehow I came across a really old article about RA this week. Many of you have read it before, so it is not new at all. But I thought it was fun to revisit it and have a look at what RA was on a about *ten years ago*. This is an interview with The Mirror on the release of Strike Back.

I didn’t pick this out for the purpose of snide comments or in order to negate what has recently become more obvious, but I thought his answers to the more personal questions here were interesting, as the interview shows RA at 39 – and here we are, RA now (almost) 49. Newspaper articles (especially from tabloid sources) always have to be taken with a grain of salt, but I’d say that RA has come a long way since then. Apart from his private life, I am also struck by his honesty re. the fears that keep him up all night. Does he still believe that? (With some major hits and starring roles under his belt, one would hope not.) In any case, fun to re-read.

  A Bit A’ This ‘N’ That Today's post comes as a mixed bag of inconsequentialities, both RA-related and OT, just because I have - oh wonder - a renewed urge to write a blog post.

[jadejedi]

So You Hate The Last Jedi (part four)

Part One- Theme     Part Two- Luke    Part Three- Rey     Part Four- Finn

Part Four- Finn

Okay, this section will deal with Finn. While I’ve already discussed a lot of the main complaints surrounding Finn’s story in TLJ, specifically regarding Canto Bight, I still have a couple of things to circle back to from the first two parts of this stupid long argument about a movie that came out two and half years ago. I want to start out by saying that while I do enjoy the Canto Bight part of the movie, I do acknowledge that the pacing is a little (or a lot) off. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t value in it. 

First of all, the Canto Bight plotline doesn’t just tie in to the theme of failure, it also connects into the theme of dealing with a collective dark history. It serves to remind us that the galaxy is not a pretty place. It is full of corruption, to this day. It reminds us that in order to truly succeed, these corrupting elements must be dealt with and acknowledged. The prequels, and the Clone Wars tv show especially, pull back the curtain on the GFFA’s dark side (pardon the pun) of institutional corruption. It’s not just that Palpatine was evil, it was that the whole Republic was corrupt, even before he was elected Chancellor. 

I mean, any system where a trade conglomerate like the Trade Federation has literal representation in the Senate, especially while other groups don’t have official representation, like the Gungans, is pretty corrupt. (Does Jar-Jar even have any power when Padmé is there? What is the point of his position??)

Any attempt by the New Republic to form a post-Imperial government without dealing with the corruption of the old Republic would only lead to a repeat of history, which is exactly what happens. That’s why it was important for Finn to see that *this* is the evil at the core of the galaxy. Not just the Empire, or the First Order, but the system that allows them to continue to operate and flourish. Theoretically, this should have set him up for an arc in episode IX where he does in some way deal with this, or confront someone about this corruption, maybe Leia or something, but whatever. 

Okay, moving on to the next complaint. So, why were Rose and Finn separated from Poe and Rey the whole movie? They’re the trio, right? They should be together.

Well, look back at the second episode in the other two trilogies. Obi-Wan is separated from Padmé and Anakin, and Luke is separated from Han and Leia. So it shouldn’t be surprising that the trio is split up for this movie. While in the previous two trilogies the romantically involved couple was together, it’s unclear if Disney ever meant for Finn and Rey to end up together, and they DEFINITELY didn’t intend for Finn and Poe to end up together, and wonderful as either of those scenarios are. So it makes sense for them to all be split up.

Also, as discussed in Just Write’s video that I mentioned in part one, the three main characters, Finn, Poe, and Rey all have their respective individual conflicts personified by the characters around them. Finn has Rose and DJ, Poe has Leia and Holdo, and Rey has Luke and Ren. They are all being pulled in two directions, between their wants and needs. To be honest, this movie has some of the most fleshed out and developed character arcs and themes of the entire Star Wars Saga. All three characters have a clear start point and end point, clear wants and needs, and a clear impact on the story. 

While it may have been possible to have this while having the trio together, I think it was theoretically smart to separate them, have them grow as characters, before chucking them back together to fully actualize in the final movie. It’s not Rian Johnson’s fault that didn’t happen.

So, I’ve already mentioned a bit that the three trilogies echo each other (or as George would say, it’s like poetry, it rhymes), and that really comes into play with Finn. I have a theory, as in a theoretical framework, not as in a hunch, about the trios of Star Wars, and I’m sure others have discussed this, I just haven’t seen anyone using these terms. In my theory, there are three archetypes repeated in the trios of each trilogy. These roles are not about personality, but about narrative function. First and most obvious, The Chosen One. The one with the special destiny and the special powers. Luke, Anakin, and Rey. Next, the Established Politician/Believer, who already has a connection to the main ��good guy’ political force. Leia, Padmé, and Poe. And finally, the Doubter. The Doubter has doubts. Doubts about the Chosen one, doubts about the political entity or the established politician, or any combination of the above. Han, Obi-Wan, Finn. This lines up very nicely because each of the members of the ST trio spend a large amount of time with their OT counterpart, throughout the first two movies especially.

So, Finn is the Han character. At the beginning of their respective trilogies, they have doubts about the rebellion/resistance, but save the Chosen One because of their established friendship. Finn goes to Starkiller base to rescue Rey, and Han saves Luke from getting shot down on the Death Star run. 

Now, by the end of both of these movies, The Force Awakens and A New Hope, Finn and Han have no actual connection to the Resistance/Rebellion. They are both there for their friends, not because they believe in any cause (despite what Solo would tell you). 

However, in the OT, Han just gets left there. ESB picks up three years later, and Han is deeply involved in the Rebellion, including having a military rank, if I remember correctly. He leaves, but not because he doesn’t believe in the Rebellion’s cause, but because there’s a price on his head. We don’t get to see the character development that got him to that point, and is probably why Harrison Ford didn’t find him to be a particularly interesting character. 

With Finn, on the other hand, we do get to see that intermediate step. We get to see him radicalized, from someone who is just fighting to save his friends, to someone who believes in and fights for a cause. I LOVE that arc. It makes Finn a 100000% more complex and interesting character than Han, IMO, and would have set him up perfectly to, say, lead a stormtrooper revolution in IX. It seemed like he was being set up to take a really large leading man/leadership role, but again that didn’t happen.

So, if his story arc was about being radicalized, then why did it not end with him dying in a blaze of glory? (I know that this isn’t a problem that everyone had with the movie, but I’ve seen it enough to address it.)

Well, first of all, Star Wars isn’t the kind of saga that really seems to buy into the whole ‘heroic sacrifice’ narrative. Now, I want to state that there is nothing inherently wrong with sacrificing yourself for a just cause or whatever. BUT, a lot of what I’ve seen around the whole ‘Rose should have let Finn sacrifice his life’ argument reminds more of what Umberto Eco calls in his essay “Ur-Fascism,” ‘the cult of heroism’, and the ‘cult of death’. In fascism, believers are taught that, first of all, everyone is a hero. Everyone is basically trained to die. Dying is seen not just as an unfortunate consequence of the fight, but as the reward for the fight. 

And that’s kind of what this whole argument around Finn’s sacrifice felt like to me. Rose didn’t ‘steal’ anything from Finn. She literally saved his life. Because there is no glory in dying for a cause. It can be a necessity, but especially in Star Wars, seeing war and death as some sort of search for glory is frowned upon. 

In Empire Strikes Back Yoda states, “War does not make one great.”

In the season one episode of the Clone Wars, Trespass, Senator Chuchi says, “To die for one’s people is a great sacrifice. To live for one’s people, an even greater sacrifice.”

And as Rose explains, “That’s how we’re going to win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love.” 

In Star Wars, it is the fighting and living for a cause that is more heroic than needlessly dying for it. Because, it would have been needless and pointless for Finn to die. Yeah, that cannon would have been destroyed, but eventually the First Order’s forces would have gotten through. The Resistance was still hugely outnumbered. Plus, do we really want one of the franchise's few black heroes dying? I sure don’t. And, as has been mentioned on this website before, Star Wars is a fairytale. It’s supposed to end with the main trio living happily ever after. 

And, as I will talk about in the final part, this decision to not go through with the suicide mission was a big part of Poe’s character arc. 

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Assessment Update (Trigger warning)

Firstly, I am sorry for only just getting around to writing and posting this, I have had another very busy/long day with (haircut plus bloods/ecg and then staying in town to run some errands etc).

Anyway, as you know, yesterday was my pre-admission assessment at the Priory with my consultant (12th June). I am not going to lie, it was very hard to go onto the ward and to be there in general/have the discussions, however I think it was a good thing overall/went a little better than I initially anticipated (?)

The journey there was anything but smooth. We ended up being nearly an hour late due to sink holes and diversions (thank god for dad and a mini mindfulness/breathing book I had with me!!)

Once I had arrived, I had a 20ish minute meeting with my consultant (who is also one of the consultants on the ward) - the EDP I see was meant to be there but she didn’t come in the end *rolls eyes*

She believes that I need a short admission to help push me in the right direction/get me going, and that overall the best place for me to be is in the community

She said that yes she could keep me in for 9 months, get me up to a healthy weight etc etc, but that she does not think it would be beneficial (which is refreshing to hear something that isn’t just focused on weight/numbers)

She agreed that I need to have autonomy. It needs to come from me, not just have things “done” to me. I have proven that I have been able to make some changes in the community in the past and get to better places, so I need to pull from that.

We are initially looking at a 6-8 week admission

With the main focus being on the second ward that they have where patients are in either “progression” or “transition”

Sadly due to my current physical health, I will have to spend a bit of time on the acute ward (if the admission happens), but she did say that we would try to keep it to as short a time as possible due to the environment on there and needing me to get more practical support which happens on the other ward. Although we have to be careful not to slip into old grooves of trying to do too much too soon/expecting too much of myself and putting on a front.

In terms of when there might be a bed, this is an issue, especially as EDU beds are so short at the moment…

She said that the next bed under her is likely not for another MONTH.

Yes, a month.

She said that she was quite worried about my current “frail” state and that there is really no wiggle room at all and that if I want to have an admission there then I need to be holding my own in the community in terms of my weight and bloods not dropping anymore.  

I didn’t post about this before but on Friday afternoon I had a phone call offering me a bed at a unit in London for Monday….I was given 20 minutes to decide whether to take it or not. As you can tell I turned down it down (after talking to a few people) and my parents agreed with my decision, especially with the meeting at the priory only a few days away.

My consultant obviously brought this up and we talked about it for a little bit but yeah it is what it is *shrugs*

After about 20 minutes she took me onto the acute ward and we met with the charge nurse who was able to talk to me a bit more about the ward, what things would be involved in an admission and what would be expected, as well as answering my many questions that I had noted down.

It made me feel quite sad when my consultant described me as having a “severe and enduring eating disorder (SEED)”. idk. reality checks like this really suck.

The admission on the acute side, like I mentioned, would be kept to a minimum, however it all depends on how I am coping and what the staff think is best for me.

She gave me a handout with the timetable on and we talked a bit about how things work on the ward, social outings, the groups etc. which there are a few of, not a huge amount/not very much OT but there are at least some trips out each week and visitors are allowed.

I also had a chance to talk about a number of my worries, including that I tend to put on a front and act the good girl/perfect patient and shut off from staff and not want to make a fuss. She couldn’t answer any questions about meal plans or increasing or stuff like that as it is apparently all done on an individual basis after an initial assessment with the dietitian on admission.

In general though the food is pretty similar to what it was when I was there 6 years ago; you do your menu/have to make choices every morning for the day ahead - one light meal and one main meal - you can choose to have your main at lunch or dinner, depending on what the choices are for the day (it is the same food for the rest of the hospital). You start eating in the upstairs kitchen on acute but then you move downstairs to the restaurant when you are on the full meal plan and managing well enough.

I’m not going to lie, it was very hard being on the ward. very hard. There were a lot of very unwell patients, a number with NG tubes…and, idk, I suppose it brought it home a little more how real it all is?? although at the same time I still feel incredibly numb/emotionless.

After speaking with the nurse for a while, I went over to the progression/transition ward where I was able to speak to someone who is being discharged soon, which was really helpful.

She was so lovely and showed me around the kitchen, talked about how the ward works, her bedroom, the rules, how her time has been etc.

It is similar to when I was there 6 years ago but with quite a lot more in terms of therapy/OT input as well self catering snacks and having your own cupboards for food, having the opportunity to bake with the OT, be more independent etc. (although kind of annoyed that apparently the internet is still terrible there and the lack of signal too - boo)

I am still waiting for the unit to send over the patient handbook they said that they would get to me, which is a bit annoying but I am still suffering from information overload tbh so it is probably a good thing.

It was A LOT to try to take in over a short space of time.

I am still trying to process the whole experience: being on the ward (which I did find quite triggering even for just that short period of time), the other patients, the programme, the opportunities, as well as the potential reality of me actually being admitted.

My consultant was honest with me and said that although I am ear marked for the bed in a month’s time, she cannot promise anything as you never know what happens.

In all honesty, if I was offered a bed there for next week I think I would take it…

However we are talking a month at the very least…

which is quite a long way away and it is really messing with my head and causing me quite a lot of mixed/messy thoughts

The programme itself looks/sounds A LOT better than what I experienced at the Bethlem last year, especially with the acute, progression and transition elements fully “up and running” (when I was there it was quite new) so in that sense is much better.

They also seem a lot more supportive in general/have made changes from when I was there last for the better (?)

To be totally honest I don’t know where this leaves me now. L (EDP) wasn’t there so I won’t see her/talk to her about where this leaves everything until next Monday.

However from our session this week i do know that this does not mean that I can sit and allow anorexia to dictate everything and keep me stuck. As L keeps reiterating to me, I have to be making changes.

It is not that I don’t want to get better, I have just gotten so bloody stuck and feel so trapped and alone.

That is one thing that would be helpful in terms of a short admission - it would hopefully be a push in the right direction that I could then maybe continue from at home in the community. and not to mention that it would also give my parents a bit of a break from everything.

In terms of therapy I dont think there would be any 1:1 due to the short period of time I would be there. Although she did say that the length of admission is always up for discussion and it would all depend on how my OP workers want to work and how I am managing on the ward/if I can transfer it home on leave.

idrk how to feel right now. Or how I do feel. It is all so overwhelming and a lot to try to take in

I don’t want to have an admission but evidence is piling up that staying in the community really isn’t working and every person in my team (as well as my parents) are convinced I will be going in :(

And I suppose that is all there is to say really. I am left feeling a little clearer in some ways but at the same time not so much? it’s messy

and I am beyond tired after two very long and exhausting/tiring days. I know I can’t sit around and wait to try to process everything that is happening but I feel like I really need to press a pause button for a while in order to catch up with myself (which I know is never going to happen)

as we all know, there will always be another excuse or reason to put things off. Another reason why we are ‘different’ to others or why there are other people who deserve support more.

But it is all noise from anorexia to try to keep us trapped and stuck for even longer.

I am so tired of this existence. the thought of another admission terrifies me but not as much as a life time spent trapped here.

I wish that I had a positive revelation to end this on but alas, I have nothing. All I want is my bed and a good night’s sleep right now and some magic answer to whisk this all away (if only eh?). Thank you for all your messages of support and kindness over the past few days, it has meant more than I can express to know that I have not been alone in this x

[unexpectedreylo]

Mary Sue Or Not?

Having climbed aboard the Reylo ship 10-11 months ago, I’ve written quite a bit about them as a couple and about Kylo/Ben, since he is endlessly fascinating on many levels and he is the last Skywalker heir.

But it’s time to shine some light on our girl Rey, the heroine of this fairy tale/gothic romance novel collision in space.  And the first thing I want to address is whether or not it’s fair to call her a Mary Sue.

One problem we have is no one really can define what a Mary Sue is anymore; it’s become what former U.S. Supreme Court justice Potter Stewart once said about obscenity...you can’t define it but you know it when you see it.  A lot of the time in modern parlance, it’s a lazy shorthand for “a female character I don’t like.”

But “Mary Sue” did mean something once and it was very specific.  It was meant to describe an original character in fan fiction who was basically an idealized version of the author, there to suck all of the gravity of a particular universe in her direction.  Someone I knew in Star Wars prequel fandom once described a Mary Sue as a fundamental writing error.  I would add it’s the kind of error (usually) young, inexperienced writers who aren’t familiar enough with the source material tend to make.  

The OG Mary Sue from the zine Menagerie #3.

The term “Mary Sue” came from a satirical Star Trek fan fiction (“A Trekkie’s Tale”) written in the ‘70s meant to spoof these kinds of stories.  The heroine, Mary Sue, is the youngest Starfleet officer at 15.5 years old and is half-Vulcan.  Everyone falls in love with Lt. Mary Sue; of course Capt. Kirk hits on her but being a woman of virtue, she rebuffs him.  She dies a tragic death trying to save the Enterprise and is mourned by all (in the early days, Mary Sues often died tragically and heroically).   Since then Mary Sues have become more sophisticated and varied, but are often marked by their extraordinary skills, unusual but beautiful appearance, and ridiculously convoluted names (”Mary Sue” is pretty vanilla these days for a Mary Sue).  They also stubbornly refuse to die.  But the principles remain the same:  the Sue is the always the center of attention, the Sue is always a usurper, and the rules of the canonical universe/characterizations always bend or break to justify a character who really doesn’t fit into that universe at all.  For example in “A Trekkie’s Tale,” the normally stoical Mr. Spock blubbers like a baby at Mary Sue’s funeral.  In the infamous “My Immortal,” the denizens of Hogswarts are transformed into suicidal bisexual “goffs” to accommodate its Draco-humping vampire anti-heroine “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”   (”My Immortal” just might be the 21st century internet troll’s version of “A Trekkie’s Tale.”)

I started reading Star Wars fan fiction 26 years ago and every now and then, I’d run into a Mary Sue.  More often than not, she was Force-sensitive and was usually paired with Luke.  In older zines, particularly ones pre-TESB, I’d see the kind often paired with Han Solo that I’d called “Spacer Sues.”  About 20 years ago I wrote a fic spoofing Star Wars-style Mary Sues called “Hello Jedi Sue.”  In the story the main character Sue was sucked up into a tornado and sent into the GFFA.  She had a higher midichlorian count than even Anakin and immediately upon meeting Luke, he realizes she is destined for him.  Over the course of the story, she leads Rogue Squadron to victory against a stray Sith Lord who turns up out of nowhere (she’d never flown an X-wing before), she pilots the Falcon through an asteroid field after Han suffers a heart attack, and of course she trains to be a Jedi.  Leia is kind of chilly to her at first but comes around and gives her a ring that once belonged to Queen Amidala, the only memento she has left of her birth mother.  Some apprentice gets jealous of her and pushes her off the top of the temple to her death.  Leia declares it a worse tragedy than Alderaan.  Everyone’s crying and stuff but Sue uses her Force superpowers to resurrect herself.  She and Luke marry and she immediately gets pregnant.  Obi-Wan’s ghost appears to tell the happy couple she is his granddaughter and Qui-Gon’s great-granddaughter (don’t ask).  

So you might say TFA raised my eyebrows because some of it reminded me of “Hello Jedi Sue.”  Before everyone hits the unfollow button, I DO NOT think that Rey is a Mary Sue.

I’ll break it down like this.  In order for a character to be a Mary Sue, the character must do most if not all of the following:

Be an idealized version of the author.

Be the center of attention, even in situations where it wouldn’t be practical or appropriate.

Bend or break the rules of the canon universe just to fit in.

Possesses highly unusual but beautiful looks and exhibit a large amount of extraordinary skills.

Be irresistible, especially sexually irresistible, to everyone.

Usurp the roles played by canon characters and their importance.

So, let’s go over that list with Rey in mind.

1.  Is she an idealized version of J.J. Abrams, Rian Johnson, Lawrence Kasdan, or George Lucas (who created Rey’s progenitor “Kira”)?

Uhh, I doubt it.  It’s not just that Rey is obviously not of the same sex, but she doesn’t seem to exhibit anything that reminds me of these men in real life.  Sure she’s packed with girl power but so what?  So are Lara Croft, Ellen Ripley, Sarah Connor, Padme Amidala, Xena, Leia Organa, Black Widow, Wonder Woman, that dragon chick from Game Of Thrones, Ahsoka, etc..  

2.  Is she the center of attention, even where it wouldn’t be practical or appropriate?

She’s the main hero(ine) of this trilogy and the avatar for the audience but she serves the same function that Luke Skywalker did in the OT or Anakin Skywalker did in the PT.  So of course the story is going to focus on her.  But if she was genuinely a Mary Sue, she would be doing everything of importance in the film to the point of making everyone else useless.  They could be sitting by the sidelines having a beer while she’s basically running the movie.  

3.  Does she bend or break the rules of the canon universe just to fit in?

This is one point where I think a lot of the contention lies.  She gets accused a lot of being “overpowered.”  Well, what does that mean?  The way I see the narrative shaping up after two films, she is obviously very powerful in the Force but TLJ makes it clear her power level is the same as Kylo’s.  I think the movies are hinting she and Kylo/Ben are something new and unique, a creation of the Cosmic Force in its post Anakin-balanced state.  I hope we get more of an explanation of this because I think it would go a long way to reassure people.  

On that note, another common complaint is that Rey takes on skills rapidly with minimal training.  I admit, I felt this was a problem the first time I saw TFA.  I couldn’t understand why for instance she was able to use the Jedi mind trick so quickly without any training.  By contrast, Luke wasn’t able to use the mind trick until ROTJ.  I couldn’t understand why she was able to defeat someone trained in the Force in a lightsaber duel, regardless of his mental state or injury.  It took until I saw TLJ and saw some comments from one of the story groupers that I understood she’d basically downloaded Kylo’s skills when he entered her mind and she’d entered his.  Now I get it.  But this is one criticism I still have of TFA; it didn’t make that clear enough to the audience.  There’s a reason why George Lucas spent time letting you know Luke was a good bush pilot on Tatooine who could shoot womp rats in his T-16 or Anakin could win a pod race...it’s so that when they fly out to blow up something at the end of the movie, you’re able to understand why they can do that.  Sometimes you do have to make movies so that the common idiot can figure it out!

Now a critic might argue that Rey Matrixing her way to Jedi skills is lazy.  Maybe the filmmakers wanted to make sure they had a protagonist able to get into the mix early on because there weren’t enough Force-sensitive characters around who could’ve taken on Kylo.  But then again, did we really see the OT or PT spend a lot of time on training?  Luke fought Darth Vader after about 25 minutes of training in TESB and we never saw Anakin train at all; 10 years had passed between TPM and AOTC and by the latter film, he was able to do all kinds of cool stuff.  And TLJ makes it clear that while Rey had the skills, she still needed direction and instruction.  She thought the Force just controlled people and made things float!

And sometimes the audience misses things, especially if they only see a movie once.  For instance, the first time I saw TFA I was baffled why Rey was able to pilot the Falcon.  It seemed like Little Miss Desert Scavenger just hopped into the cockpit and away she went, whereas if I just got on a spaceship for the first time ever, I’d crash that mo-fo pretty quickly.  Then when I saw the film again some time later, the dialogue makes it clear she IS able to pilot.  She never left Jakku not because she couldn’t leave but because she was still waiting for her loser parents to come back.

4.  Is she irresistible to everyone?

Mary Sues always get a reaction out of every canon character and that reaction is a strong one.  It’s always fierce devotion, instant BFFs forever, undying passionate and true love, boiling-over lust, or pure loathing and hatred (that of course turns into the opposite or the hater is toast).  There’s never indifference, or relationships that take time to build, or first impressions that turn out to be wrong, etc..  And it’s always instantaneous.  

Most of the good guys like Rey but is any of it different from how characters took to Luke in the OT or Anakin in the PT?  Not really.  The only thing that stands out is Leia running over to hug the girl she’s known for part of a movie over Chewbacca but even Abrams admitted he’d goofed.  And one instance does not a Mary Sue make.

The only characters who have more intense feelings for Rey are Kylo and Finn and in both cases, those feelings are complicated.  

5.  Does she have a highly unusual but beautiful appearance and exhibit a large amount of extraordinary skills?

Note the lack of rainbow hair and silver eyes.

Daisy Ridley is a beautiful young woman but as Rey, it seems like if anything they’re shooting for more of a natural, earthy beauty that befits her character.  There’s nothing unusual about how she looks or how she dresses.  She looks like she would almost fade into the crowd if you didn’t know who or what she was.  Mary Sues on the other hand ALWAYS have to be noticed for their looks.

As for Rey’s skills, this is another thing people criticize.  But in the Star Wars universe, being a Force-user isn’t alone an indication of Mary Sue-dom.  Now if Rey was more powerful than anyone else ever, even Anakin Skywalker, that would be a Mary Sue issue.  But the films make it clear that she isn’t more powerful than everyone; her power level is the same as Kylo’s.  Her only advantage comes from being the more morally correct character in the story.

Her other skills are explained in the films and are nothing unusual in the Star Wars universe.  She’s a good pilot but not such an ace everyone’s saying she’s better than Wedge Antilles, Poe Dameron, and Luke Skywalker combined.  She’s a grease monkey but that comes from years of scavenging.  Her talents aren’t just dropping out of the ether.  

A Mary Sue would be the most powerful Force user ever, the greatest pilot of all time, someone who could teach space aeronautics at MIT at the age of 20, have an IQ higher than Einstein’s, be the greatest and most ingenious hacker, a better leader than Leia, a better shot than Annie Oakley even while drunk, cook like Julia Child, have sex like a porn star, have a singing voice like an angel, and is all-around the best at everything that needs to be done at any given time, ALL OF THE TIME. That’s not quite what we’re getting with Rey.

6..  Does she usurp roles played by canon characters and their importance?

This is another area of heated contention and it depends on what you believe are the filmmakers’ intentions.  Are they setting Rey up to be the “real” Chosen One, essentially changing Lucas’s story?  Are they setting up the Skywalkers as unworthy so Rey has to basically take their place as the “gods” end their cursed line?

Believe it or not, I was really worried this was exactly what Disney was going to do.  Now, I don’t think this is the case.  If anything, Rey is there in part to save the Skywalker line and legacy, not to end it or steal it for herself.  But I suspect there are a lot of fans who still think this is where they are going in IX, so of course they’re going to resent Rey.

I came to the conclusion after seeing TLJ that while Rey is important and the lead character, she’s not the center of gravity in the story.  Kylo Ren is.  Pay attention; nearly everything that’s happening in the films is in some way because of him or related to him.  It’s harder to believe she’s some random OC who broke into the Star Wars saga to suck the attention away from the Skywalkers once you realize this.

All of these said, there’s one more reason why Rey is not a Mary Sue.

Canon characters by definition cannot be Mary Sues!

It drives me nuts that people call canon characters Mary Sues.  The whole point of a Mary Sue is someone who doesn’t really fit in with a universe so the universe is fit around her.  Bella Swan may be a lot of things but she’s not a Mary Sue.  (Now if you wrote a Twilight OC who pushes out Bella, gets Edward to fall in love with her, and gets Edward to give up his vampire ways and become a Christian, THAT’s a Mary Sue.)  Now, some fans won’t accept anything Disney produced as canon but this is what we’ve got and it’s all we’re getting.    

I don’t know who did this--I found it on Know Your Meme--but it’s a decent guide.

[catfish-and-the]

aight ive been getting super emo over my favourite sunny eyed dreamboat boy mr sir van mccann so im just going to record my catb concert from three years ago here so it doesnt “wisp away with the sands of time” as i wrote in seventh grade (not after the catb concert) disclaimer i kno that some catb fans say that catb arent the same as they were way back when and im not here to counter that but this is what happened to me when catb were still small and it was 2015 and i know that things mustve changed but im here to document my own experience my hands are shaking btw

June 9 2015 - Varsity Theatre, Minneapolis MN

We got to the venue super early cos we wanted front row or something super fuckin close to front row and yeah man there were maybe like 5 people ahead of us super cool i had my clear backpack, my classic clear concert backpack, and im not really sure how we passed the time but eventually i was “sent on a mission” to see what lies in the alley between the venue and the adjacent building and so i walk over as casually as possible and i pass by the alley and turn my head and lo and behold tall boy Van is standing there in his green reflective sunglasses and dark outfit and i fuckign STOP cos van just he radiates this wonderful energy of that classic leo magnificence but hes smiling, hes friendly and he waves to me and i, being socially inexperienced, am too afraid to approach him so i wave back and WALK BACK THE WAY I CAME. so van watches me pass by the alley, wave at his wave, and then go back. super weird. i regret it but i think its funny. all i know is van smiled at me and he waved at me and i did something clumsy

concert: fuckin grand man i love the balcony, i love the red lights, i loved being second row dead center in front of dreamboat boy i love hourglass i still have my all time fav catb song rango on video fuckin class tops every concert ive been to so far bc i was second row (but am was so good too)

post concert: we were waiting s o l o n g for catb to come out. they didnt come out. I again was sent another mission back to the alley and there i saw a Very Tall Figure and was like fuck. somehow we approached and somehow I got pushed to the front so alas im standing in this narrow fucking alley at like midnight w a very tall man (whos beaming at me, sunglasses OFF) and since im in the front vans like approaching and i was yellin at myself like dont fuckign stand there bihinch so i muster the courage to meet him halfway and he greets me and holds out his hand for me to shake (I shake it) and here things start getting a little blurry in terms of order so here it is, most likely out of order but who will ever know for sure:

Somehow we hug. I forgot if i asked or if it just happendd but we hug. Hes very soft and very warm and he smiled.

i told him how great the concert was and how much i loved his music and how his concert “made my night.” He said something (while smiling) and then he said “youve just made my night” and of course i insist that hes made MY night cos like... no ones ever told me i meant something before so i told him again “you made my night” and HE SAYS “YOUVE MADE MINE” AGAIN LIKE BOY...... TAKE MY COMPLIMENT (he won the argument i left it at “no, you made my night”)

i remember that i got him a gift and a letter so at some point i pull it out and hand it to him. He smiles and says thank you, “i’ll be sure to read it” and tucks the letter into his chest pocket meanwhile i also hand him a little stuffed turtle and i, being a Weakling in social situations, quickly explain that i hope he likes it and that “im not sure if you like turtles, but-” and he cuts me off and reassures me that h eDOES like turtles and he takes the Little Turtle in his hand and bends down next to me (cos im small and van is Tall) and tells me about the time a fan gave him a little turtle bracelet ehich he wore almost all the time and pointed to his wrist of the arm he wore it with (i forget, oh dear. i believe it was his right?) (”but it broke”) and he looked at me and smiled while we were in that position his presence is very warm and then he straightens back up and holds the little turtle in his hand up against the golden streetlight where he “promises to take good care of it” and i swear the pure joy on his face the entire time made me fall in love (though it fell dormant until 2018)

At soe point i take a very bad, very poor quality selfy with van but to this day it remains on the back of my clear phonecase becasue we looked so happy despite the terrible lighting and it reminds me of him. van had to bend down next to me to take the picture, and his arm was around my shoulders. He was hesitant to stand back upright cos he thought i wanted ot take more. i didnt (another regret but boy do i treasure the one selfy)

I hand my phone to catbs old manager for group pics. He (the manager) and van take selfies on my phone, which i dont discover until later

we take group pictures. we r all happy. i havent looked at those.

i know its time to leave because i want the other fans to meet the band. I dont want to leave obviously. I ask van for another hug. I hold on to him very tight, and he does the same. i can only reach his collarbone, despite him bending down to reach me.

Van has an endearing way of hugging, ive noted, where we hug at the side (my right, his left) together while the other sides are kinda separate, not touching, but u have ur arms wrapped around eachother, my right arm underneath his left and onto his back while he can quite literally put his entire arm around me, the opposite arms are kind of around each other. I try to go onto my toes to hold on to him closer because he feels like a safe haven and he makes me feel like i belong somewhere and he makes me feel tranquil and warm and everything positive but not in the jittery excitement kind of way, just peaceful. I hold on to him very tight. its the last time.

We wave goodbye. its very cold without him despite being warm enough to wear a skirt and short sleeve

I go home and remember that i have another little turtle, but this one is blue and a bit worn (thus i gave van the green one). I name it Van and keep it on my bookshelf.

[theworldoffostering]

Drama

Foster care is not always easy, and after a couple of months of things going well, RK gave us a run for our money over the weekend.  Friday DH and I were stuck in Chicago managing the whole passport debacle.  I called RK’s worker and let her know that we were not going to make it home in time for school to get out.  I had to get RK home, DS, home, cancel an OT appointment for DS, and a ST and OT appointment for E.  I also had to get E off the bus.  All of those things needed to be arranged.  It had already been set that RK was meeting with her worker after school so I just asked if the worker could pick her up, meet with her somewhere in the community and then drop her at home with DD.  I figured that by the time DH and I were home, she would have maybe an hour at the house.  DD was there and RK is old enough that she should be able to stay home no problem. However, RK really goes after DS.  I was reading a recent post by @fosteringfrenzy where someone asked her if one of her kids would have been better off solo (instead of with adopted sibs), and it reminded me of DS.  DS would probably love to be an only child.  He’s currently in the middle of six kids, and will most likely remain there even when we quit fostering if Baby stays and we adopt Ms. 6.  I knew it was a bad idea to have RK and DS home without me there, but figured it would be fine for less than an hour.  Then I found out that the worker basically picked up RK from school and took her home.  Apparently there wasn’t a meeting, just a situation where she needed to lay eyes on RK.  At some point, DD called me because DS was melting down so I had her put DS on the phone and basically he asked me to stay on the phone with him until we arrived. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened.  I think RK cheated at cards so DS walked away (which is what we are trying to tell him he SHOULD do), but then RK baits him and continues to yell at him and say all sorts of awful things to him.  He’s not completely innocent of course, but she goes after him hard due to her history in her bio home with her bio sibs.  It’s really tough on DS given his own issues that he’s dealing with.

DH and I got home and I sent her out for a drive with DH to cool off.  After an hour they came home and she was fine.  Until Sunday afternoon.  She did the same thing.  Cheated at cards.  DS walked away.  She threw a fit and tantrum like a three year old.  I was super frustrated as it was E’s special day with her Wish party and RK just could not get it together.  Took DH and I about an hour to talk her off the ledge (I swear I spend several hours each week doing this with one kid or another). Last night during the Wish party the same thing happened again.  While the Wish makers were here.  They didn’t yell at each other while the Wish makers were here, but same thing with the cheating and DS walking away.  After the party, DH told the three big kids that they needed to figure it out or quit playing cards together.  RK threw a HUGE fit.  It went on for hours.  She took medication that she wasn’t supposed to take.  She tried to “cut” herself with a plastic fork.  Basically she used everything she could to try and get out of the house because DH and I are crappy parents and she hates us and feels like residential couldn’t be any worse.  DH literally had to sit on the stairs to block her from going up and I had to stand in the doorway to the kitchen to block her from grabbing a knife.  That meant we were totally unable to put other kids to bed who were having their own meltdowns because it was past their bedtime.

We called the crisis line.  They did nothing.  They were supposed to implement a plan several months ago.  They didn’t.  We were basically left having to manage it ourselves.  I told her she had to sleep on the couch due to her statements about suicide and self-harm, and although she refused, she eventually just fell asleep.  Tonight was more of the same because she wanted her iPod and deck of cards and privileges, but was unwilling to discuss anything from last night with us.  I know she feels powerless and crappy because she’s not going on the cruise with us (we invited her to but her mom said no-we said we'd fight for her to go anyway and RK said she didn't want to go against her mom so she's headed to respite).  We continue to tell her that we care about her and that she’s important to us.  We also continue to try to provide a safe environment for her.  I do worry about the toll it is taking on DS.  Her worker called this morning and told me that she is going to create a long-term plan for RK in the next couple of weeks.  I know there is a team meeting this week.  So far her new worker is a go-getter and on the ball.  I like her and hope she can put a plan together that is realistic and works for RK.

[crazyblondelife]

Living With An Eating Disorder

This post has been on my mind for quite some time but I've just now gotten the courage to write it.  Saying you have or have had an eating disorder is like a dirty little secret that you don't want anyone to know.  Eating disorders are a huge problem in our society and the more we talk about this problem, hopefully the easier it will become for people to recognize that they need help.

Eating disorders run they run the gamut from anorexia to compulsive overeating.  What is going on and why is it getting worse?   Here is my story and some statistics that might surprise you.

At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.

Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness - 13% of women over 50 engage in eating disorder behaviors.

In a large national study of college students, 3.5% of sexual minority women and 2.1% of sexual minority men reported having an eating disorder.

16% of transgender college students reported having an eating disorder.

In a study following active duty military personnel over time, 5.5% of women and 4% of men had an eating disorder at the beginning of the study, and within just a few years of continued service, 3.3% more women and 2.6% more men developed an eating disorder.

Eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups.

Genetics, environmental factors, and personality traits all combine to create risk for an eating disorder.

I think an eating disorder is much like any other addictive behavior...once you have it, it never goes away, you just learn to control it, or not.  I decided to share my story because obviously I'm not the only one who has struggled with this issue.

1963 was the year I was born...in May.  I had a pretty normal upbringing for that time period.  My mom stayed at home and my dad went to work everyday.  He wasn't especially involved in raising my sister and me but he was always there.  As I got older, and hit puberty, (I think it's the case with a lot of girls), things definitely changed for me, including my relationship with my dad (dads are so important).  In today's society, we are much more open about our bodies and the changes that go on, but that wasn't the case in 1974.  Everything changed for me...my skin broke out, my hair got curlier and out of control, but one thing remained the same, I was always thin and I could always eat whatever I wanted to eat.  I had a pretty rough adolescence to say the least (that's a whole other blog post), and I ended up getting married at the ripe old age of 19, I can only speculate about why, but I knew I was making a mistake when I walked down the aisle.  Being married at such a young age was so much more difficult than I ever thought it would be, but I tried to make the best of it (also another blog post).  I was alone most of the time and worked at a full time job that I hated.  I also started to gain weight for the first time in my life and I felt so badly about my life in general.  I remember one day, I was putting gas into my car and I saw a cute girl walk by who was so thin and I decided then and there to lose the extra weight (15 lbs.) that I had gained.  I probably weighed about 130 pounds at the time and wasn't particularly overweight, but weighed more than I wanted to.  Disclaimer here:  this is MY story, and this is the way I felt.  It wasn't about the weight, it's was how I felt about myself.  I started to severely limit my calories and counted every single bite that I put into my mouth.  I was so obsessed that I even counted a single jelly bean. In the beginning, It felt good and I got so many compliments.  The compliments gave me momentum and I continued to limit my calorie intake and eventually lost about 40 pounds and weighed a whopping 89 pounds.  My parents were horrified but had no idea how to help me.  My anorexic state was hard to maintain, just by not eating, because I was craving whatever it was that food meant to me (love, comfort?), so I became bulimic and would eat huge amounts of food and then throw up.  That was the very lowest point in my life.  I felt so badly about myself and was so embarrassed, but seemed to have no control over my behavior. 

During this whole period of my life, I only saw a therapist once or twice and honestly have never seen a therapist about this specific issue since then.  I believe all of our issues are caused by not loving ourselves.  Long story short, I found out I was pregnant when I was 22 and my crazy eating habits stopped...for a while.  I didn't want to hurt my baby and this was very happy news for me.  I gained 60 pounds during my pregnancy and delivered a very healthy baby girl.  After she was born, the eating disorder came back...I think because I was so unhappy in my marriage and with my life in general and didn't know what to do.  Honestly, growing up, I was never told that I had the capacity to create my own reality (even though I was doing it by default).  My life was happening to me and I was miserable. 

What I didn't know at the time was that my wildest dreams were important and not impossible and I had a message and something important to share. 

My marriage ended when my daughter was 3 and I felt worse about myself than ever.  I was bulimic off and on until about 10 years ago.  It was never as bad as it was in the beginning, but my guilt over eating what I considered "to much" was sometimes more than I could handle.  Again, ot wasn't about the weight.  I know there are those that will read this and not understand how I could be so crazy when I wasn't overweight, but it was (and sometimes still is) a mind game I played with myself.  It isn't normal behavior which is why it's called a disorder.

Let me get back to the part about anorexia/bulimia being an addictive behavior, not unlike being an alcoholic or drug addict.  Once you "get in that head", it's a lifetime struggle to keep it under control.  There are still very few days that go by when I don't know every single bite that has gone into my mouth.  I also still feel guilt sometimes when I overeat and I still rarely overeat without under eating the next day to compensate.

I'm not telling you this for sympathy, because I am so grateful for my life now (even the crazy parts because I'm learning and growing from them).  I just know that I'm not alone and I think it's important to share. I will admit that I like being thin, but sometimes the standards that I hold myself to are difficult.  What causes eating disorders?  I don't think anyone will ever know exactly, but I do know for sure that stress, unhappiness, and a society that doesn't celebrate self care and self love are a huge part of the causes of these eating disorders and even though they affect men, women seem to be statistically more predisposed to eating disorders.  I also know that having an eating disorder bleeds into every other part of your life.  A lack of self confidence causes so many problems because decisions aren't based on what's best for you...you don't feel deserving, so you settle for less than you deserve.

Saying someone has an "eating disorder", doesn't seem quite as accurate as saying someone has an "emotional eating" issue.  It's all about emotion; we eat (or not) because we're happy, or sad, or lonely, or anxious...the list goes on.  So many times, food is associated with love and I think with eating disorders, we are either trying to love ourselves or punish ourselves, with food.  It's hard because as humans, we have no choice, we must eat...making eating disorders unlike alcoholism or drug addiction.

I will say, that my obsession with eating inspired my love of cooking.  It was during the time when I was the thinnest, that I became interested in learning everything I could about cooking and eventually started a catering business.  I still love to cook (as you know) and I also love to eat.  I don't believe that eating disorders have anything to do with food.  The problem is manifested through food, just as a drug addiction has nothing to do with the drugs.  We figure out how to medicate ourselves.  It's true that when you know better, you do better.  I now know that taking care of myself, through meditation, yoga, being with friends, and taking time to just be, in other words, self care and self love, are the keys to overcoming almost everything.  The fact that I now know that I am important and I am worth the time and effort it takes to truly nourish myself and love me has made all the difference in my life.  Learning about The Law of Attraction and that I am a spiritual being and have the capacity to create the life I want through my thoughts has changed my life.  

I now know that I am here on purpose, there is nothing wrong with me, I deserve to be happy, my weirdness and flaws and passions are perfect for who I am here to be and there are no mistakes.  My life has been a journey and some days are still easier than others, but I wouldn't trade the things I've learned for anything.