#this is my rat child my favorite my best girl

[mako-neexu]

do NOT be fooled

she will chuck bombs at you, break into your home, and set things on FIRE

just give her your entire fridge tho its okay <3

[azsazz]

In Storm

Rancher!Cassian x Reader

Summary: You want a baby and Cassian looks all too good in his flannel.

Warnings: Conversation about having a baby.

Word Count: 1,098

Notes: The Cassian era is era-inggg

_________________________________________

Rainy mornings are your favorite.

The sky cracking open and letting her feelings loose means that you get to sleep in, that your husband’s warm body holds you tightly as rain patters the windows in pretty songs. It means gentle calloused hands roaming your curves, soft breaths as he mouths against your skin. It means a slow and sensual fucking with a steaming hot bath following, where you can lean back into the comfort of Cassian and rest the day away.

But rainy mornings are not his favorite.

You find your husband standing in front of the large windows of the living room, staring out into the expanse of land you get to call yours. Yesterday’s flannel hangs loose around his broad shoulders, unbuttoned from when he’d hastily thrown it on to examine the conditions of the farm under the onslaught of rain. His hair is tousled, not yet thrown up into a haphazard bun the way he does when he works up a sweat from milking the cows or fixing the fence. His feet are bare, just as yours are, the hardwood flooring holding a chilled bite to it as you near his side.

Stepping up next to Cassian, you gaze out the window as well. The weather hadn’t called for a storm but the springtime is unpredictable. The horses graze in the pasture, seemingly unaffected by the drizzling skies. Their coats are dark with water but they’re getting on with their days as if the sun is shining brightly. 

Lightning cracks the sky and Cassian grunts, displeased. You can see it in the downwards slope of his mouth that he’s unhappy with the fact that he hadn’t brought the animals in yesterday, when he knew he smelled the metallic tang of a storm creeping in.

“They’re animals,” you try to soothe, “They should be used to it.”

“I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the stallions,” Cassian responds, not even sparing you a glance as he stares at the horses. “But my mares shouldn’t be out in this storm. Especially not Carrington. Ol’ girl can have that foal anytime now and she’s only out in the rain because you were adamant she needed ‘fresh air.’” His voice pitches at the end in a terrible impersonation of you and you scowl.

“So now it’s my fault?” you ask, incredulously. Cassian lets you sidle up to his side anyway, slipping between the opening of his flannel and his bare chest. You nearly growl with delight because he’s so warm. Turning your head, you press your lips to his pec. “You’re grumpy when it rains.”

“‘M grumpy because there’s chores that need to be done,” Cassian sighs, wrapping an arm around your waist. “I should go out there.” 

Out there looks miserable. The trail leading up to the barn is muddy, puddles of rain scattering the path. The rain has kept its steady pour since you’d come down here to find your husband, and if you think he’s grumpy now, you know he’d be absolutely miserable after working out in the rain all day.

“Or, you can stay in here and we can spend a little time together,” you drawl, trailing your fingers along his chest. His muscles clench the closer to his waistline that you get. 

His hazel gaze cuts down to yours, “Last night wasn’t enough for you?” Cassian muses, eyes sparkling in the way that you know you have him. 

“Won’t be enough for me until I look like your best girl Carrington out there, nice and full with child.” 

Cassian’s fingers still from where they’re tracing patterns on your hip. “You really want one, don’t you?” He asks softly.

You shrug. It hasn’t been something you’ve talked about much, a child. Cassian is busy running the ranch and ever since Rhysand and Feyre moved closer to the hustle and bustle of the city to raise Nyx, you haven’t had anyone to really talk to besides the mares. And they just whinny and snort at everything you say. 

“It would mean extra hands around the farm,” you try to play off, cheeks heating. You slide from his side, eager to dispel the conversation your husband surely doesn’t want to have at this very moment. Not while Carrington is getting rained on, Gods forbid. “What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes? An omelet? I just gathered the eggs yesterday morning so they’ll be nice and fresh.”

“Hey,” Cassian calls gently, snagging your hand as you try to dip away. He tugs you back to his chest, bushing some of your sleep mussed hair from your face, tucking it behind your ear so he can caress your cheek. His hazel eyes search yours, and the frown tugging his lips downward makes your heart ache. “Don’t walk away from me, sweetheart. You want a baby?”

Your eyes well with tears the longer he stares at you. His brows are pulled tight as he waits patiently for your response. The emotion in your throat is thick, but you nod, voice coming out raspy with it when you answer. “More than anything.” 

Cassian nods a little, taking in your answer. His throat bobs but he’s agreeing, nodding firmer. “Then let’s have one.” 

Your entire body locks up at his words. You didn’t think it would be so easy to convince him. All you had to do all of this time was ask? Surely, that is not the case.

But Cassian would be so wonderful with a child in his arms. He’d love them just as perfectly as he loves you, as he cares for the animals of his ranch. You’ve seen him with the foals and chicks and lambs. How he holds each one with care and parades them around the ranch, kissing their little heads and talking to them in soft voices. He’s made to be a father, even if he doesn’t know it himself.

“We’re trying to have a baby,” you breathe, clutching onto him. An all-consuming feeling rushes through your body, nerves perhaps, because holy shit, you and Cassian are going to try for a baby. “We’re trying for a baby!”

Cassian grins, mirroring your excitement. He pulls you into his arms and you lock your legs around his waist immediately, diving down to capture his mouth against yours. The kiss is exhilarating, hot and sensual as they both of you settle into the feeling that maybe this time next year, it could be you giving birth instead of Carrington.

You could not be more excited for the adventure you and your husband are about to embark on.

[keakiwis]

thank you yoo sangah for being the n1 girls girl because i know you’re the type of girl to help another girl out at the bar, also for sacrificing yourself for kim dokja’s mom, and for dealing with the stupid men at your work (also a respecter of decisions, seen in the epilogue, dokja gotta say thank you for not ratting him out)

thank you jung heewon for being one of kdj’s most dedicated members after hsy and yjh until the end because i know its def hard after dokja sacrifices himself every time but you still will do what he asks

thank you lee seolhwa for being the glorious healer that you are and keeping everyone alive, you deserved another regression version of you (yes i’m still on this)

thank you jang hayoung for being a dkos fanatic and my favorite second protagonist ily and i think it’d also be cool if we got another regression version of you or how yjh met you in other regressions

thank you lee jihye for being relatable, funny, and taking care of lee gilyoung and shin yoosung when kim dokja wasn’t there, also for being a good older sister to them

thank you uriel for being one of dokja’s biggest supporters, incarnating into the scenarios for him, going to the demon realm for him, and literally losing your internet privileges from metatron for him

thank you anna croft for being anna croft and for being one of kim dokja’s narrative victims. oh and thank you for being mischaracterized by the fandom and being misunderstood for your intentions but still continue to fight for what you thought was right

thank you biyoo for reincarnating into a dokkaebi, giving sub scenarios to kim dokja, and putting up with his bullshit, truly the most tired one of his shenanigans

thank you shin yoosung for saving kim dokja, being lee gilyoung’s friend, being underrated, for having to grow up faster to survive, and being willing to sacrifice yourself twice (once for feeling guilty and being willing to die for 41st sys, and the second being during the intersecting scene during the kaizenix arc where we see where lee gilyoung, lee jihye, and shin yoosung were teleported to)

thank you jophiel for sacrificing yourself to stay back in the 1863rd round, you were actually really cool with the few time you had

thank you gabriel for taking the blame for jophiel when you got back to eden and for taking care of uriel too

thank you lee sookyung for being kim dokja’s mother, for keeping a secret for your son, for allowing him to hate you despite knowing the truth, and having the best intentions for your son

thank you cho youngran for looking after lee sookyung and being dedicated to her

thank you persephone for being kim dokja’s other mom, for lending him aid whenever he asked for it (be thankful kdj), for showing actual care for him later on, for fighting for him during the ark

thank you selena kim for looking out for iris and being kind still after anna croft used you

thank you iris for surviving because even if you were one of kim dokja’s least favorite characters in twsa, you were still a child when the scenarios happened and you were betrayed by anna croft

thank you yoo mia for being silly, rude to kim dokja, and for offering to help secretive plotter

thank you min jiwon for being pretty and for being the king of beauty

thank you asuka ren for creating peace land, which lead to kyrgios existing, also for supporting kim dokja during the final scenario

thank you namgung minyoung, who is breaking the sky sword saint, for training punisher, jang hayoung, breaking the sky sword master, for helping kim dokja during the surya train, for being a half giant, and finally for being kyrgios’ ex girlfriend

thank you punisher for being punisher there’s nothing other than that, i love you queen

thank you tls123 for creating the star stream, killing billions, maybe even more than that, writing twsa for thirteen years straight, for doing it all to see kim dokja and to see him live again, for creating the altered 1863rd round (which is definitely a favorite for me)

and finally, thank you han sooyoung for everything because if i write down all the things i’m grateful that you did then it would take me ages, and thanks for being my favorite ever

[delusionalwriter02]

hihi! i loved ur instagram bf series, and wondering if you could do edgar allen poe? if ur not comfy with it or too busy it's fine!!!

thankssss!

Insta as Poe's GF

a/n : Hello! I reallyyyy love poe so I hope you'll like it! Thank you so much for your request and your kind words <3

<3 liked by Ranthebestpo, p0e and 349 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : don't know who I love more, Poe or Karl

Ranthebestpo : i prefer Karl

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : it's too hard to choose

↳ p0e : my sweet angel, are you REALLY asking this question ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : but Karl is soooo cute

↳ p0e : I prefer Karl over myself too

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : WHAT NO YOU DON'T

↳ p0e : I do

↳ Ranthebestpo : congratulations !!!

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : tf ?

↳ Ranthebestpo : he said "I do" like in marriage

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : why do I even bother talking to you

↳ Ranthebestpo : I'm the best, it's normal for you to be attracted to me

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : i'm SO not

<3 liked by Yosanurgirl, p0e and 368 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : we wanted to find a friend for Karl and I thiinnnkk we did a good job

Daze_i : they seems to hate eachothers

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : between hate and love, they're always a fine line

↳ Daze_i : the line is huge

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : they're hugging, stop talking

↳ Daze_i : he's *strangling him

↳ Yosanurgirl: don't listen to him love, you did a great job and that cat is so CUTE

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : ikkkk we found her in the streets, the poor baby was starving

↳ Daze_i : oh so you found @.Chu_uya ?

↳ Chu_uya : WHAT IN THE HELL are you talking about

↳ Daze_i : you're a child in the wild

↳ Chu_uya : and you're a rat eating shit

↳ Daze_i : so rude and digusting

Yosanurgirl : btw what's her name ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : it's Lily Marguerite the 1

↳ Yosanurgirl : hmmm okay that's original

↳ p0e : it's just Lily, ONLY Lily

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : no she got a full name

↳ p0e : you never call her Lily

↳ Yosanurgirl : spill the tea

↳ p0e : baby, lovely, my girl, daughter, angel, sweet little baby, my dear and fucker

↳ Yosanurgirl : the last one ????

↳ p0e : it's only when Lily piss on her

<3 liked by Ranthebestpo, Yosanurgirl and 275 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : Lily became the boss of the house

Ranthebestpo : where's Karl

↳ p0e : sleeping

↳ Ranthebestpo : I WANNA SEE HIM

↳ p0e : then come over

↳ Ranthebestpo : omw

Yosanurgirl : She's such an icon

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : she's amazing

↳ Yosanurgirl : how's Karl doing with her now ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : they're bestfriends, always making a mess of the house

↳ Yosanurgirl : so a destructive duo ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : 100%

<3 liked by p0e, Yosanurgirl and 406 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : If the whole was watching, I'd still dance with you

p0e : I love you more than words could ever express

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : i love you even more my dear

Yosanurgirl : you're sooooo cute

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : ily my love!!!!

↳ Ranthebestpo : i'm watching you

↳ Yosanurgirl : what??

↳ Ranthebestpo : don't cheat on Karl

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : RANPO WHAT ???

↳ Yosanurgirl : leave him

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : who ???

↳ Yosanurgirl : OMG GIRL I was talking about RANPO

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : oh yeah.... totally got it

↳ Yosanurgirl : sure

<3 liked by Ranthebestpo, p0e and 476 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : he just saw us kissing

Ranthebestpo : stop traumatising my poor baby

↳ p0e : YOUR ??

↳ Ranthebestpo : MINE, you already got Yn and Lily, leave me Karlllll

↳ p0e : n e v e r

↳ Ranthebestpo : not nice

↳ p0e : got get your own raccoon

↳ Ranthebestpo : but I want the intelligent one

↳ p0e : he's MY child so stop arguing

hey! hope you liked it ? i saw SO MANY photos of raccoon, it's my new favorite animal, anyway thank you so so so much for your request!

see you<3

[waitingonher]

hii sweets!! can i request a percy jackson x child! of hecate reader? maybe reader is a witch?

percy jackson dating a child of hecate

pairing: percy jackson x child of hecate!reader

content warning: nothing

word count: 835

author's note: hi! i love this request sm, children of hecate have a special place in my heart <3 sorry this took a bit. hope you like it :)

you + percy jackson = best couple ever!! 

he is SO whipped for you, it’s insane. you could ask him to be your guinea pig for the new spells you’ve been working on, and percy would immediately agree. he trusts you wholeheartedly and knows you would never intentionally hurt him. 

percy loves seeing you use your magic. it’s so alluring to him and if he could, he’d watch you practice all day. when percy sees how passionate you are, your boyfriend thinks he’s fallen in love all over again. 

he is your #1 assistant!! whenever you’re working on some sort of spell or potion, percy’s always right there to help. it’s like he can read your mind. somehow your boyfriend always knows what you need because before you can even say it, he’s handing you the next ingredient. 

“uh…” you quickly scan your work table while moving various jars and vials, “love, where’s the-”  “the rosemary?” percy asks.  looking at him, you realize that he’s holding the sprigs of rosemary you need, “oh yeah thanks.”  you take the herbs from his hands and strip the leaves into the wooden bowl. percy comes up behind you, he snakes his arms around your waist and rests his head on your shoulder. he’s always intent on watching you work like this.  turning your head, you look at your boyfriend, “percy?”  “hm?”  “how’d you know i needed the rosemary?” you question.  percy shrugs, “just had a feeling.” 

you two are constantly messing with people around camp!! with percy’s hydrokinesis and your enhanced ability to control the mist, you guys are enemies to the public.  

one time a new camper had the audacity to make an off-putting comment about you to their friend. little did they know, percy was in ear-shot and heard everything. let’s just say, the next few weeks were definitely not fun for them! 

your boyfriend was out there making their sinks and toilets explode. (chiron was not happy with the plumbing issues that ensued) you certainly had your fair share of fun, too. you had enchanted their hairbrush to do the opposite of its purpose; it only tangled their hair more instead of untangling it. seeing them around camp with their hair looking like a rats nest had you and percy on the floor. 

percy will ALWAYS have your back. especially when people have negative things to say about your mother, he will defend you like no other. he hates the thought of someone judging you solely based on your mother’s choices. 

he was not lying when he said his fatal flaw was loyalty!! 

“how about me and you, plus the fireworks show tomorrow?” the girl offers.  oh. percy thinks, maybe she doesn’t know it’s normally a couples event? he scratches his head, “uh, like as friends?”  she giggles at his “cluelessness” and playfully pushes him, “no silly! i obviously meant as a couple, duh!”  he takes a step back, “no thanks, i already have a date to the show.”  “well,” she crosses her arms, “ i don’t see her.”  percy points a thumb in your direction. her eyes widen at the sight of you on the training field, summoning multiple mistforms at once.  “whatever. you aren’t even that cute anyways,” she says before frantically walking away.

foraging dates!! 

when your supplies run low, you and percy take advantage of it and turn it into a cute little date. 

when you two initially became friends, percy asked—practically begged—you to teach him how to control the mist. ever since then, you’ve become his teacher, and you're definitely a proud one! 

at least once a month, you two have self-care nights. you’ll mix up a certain tea blend depending on what your guys’ intentions are. it’s one of percy’s favorite traditions that you guys have. you’ll also perform a little protection ritual!! he always has the best sleep on your self-care nights. 

star gazing dates!!!! 

your guys’ favorite kind of dates when you just need to decompress and relax. laying in percy’s arms while gazing upon the stars is your favorite form of therapy. 

you sigh, melting into percy as he holds you tight.  “long day?” he asks, smoothing out the blanket underneath you two.  you nod, “yeah.”  the chirps of crickets and croaks of frogs fill the air. the water below the dock reflects the moon and the stars; you notice they shine particularly bright tonight.   percy interrupts the silence, “do you wanna talk about it?”  “it’s okay,” you say, shaking your head, “i just wanna lay here with you.”  you feel percy pull you in closer, kissing the top of your head.  “okay. i love you y/n, i hope you know that,” he responds.  you tiredly gasp, “no way. you only ever tell me like ten times a day.”  percy chuckles at your sleepy attempt at a joke. a comfortable silence settles between you two.  minutes pass before you break the stillness, “i love you too, percy.” 

uncontrollably sobbing. i need a relationship like you two

[doomspiral]

Doom's Movie Rec List

Some of these are bangers, some of these are the worst thing I have ever seen in my life, but I think they are all worth watching and enjoying one way or another. Sometimes the enjoyment is cringe and sometimes its staring at a wall for three hours. <3

The seventh seal (1957)

Classic chess game with Death film, I presume the entire thing is Bergman staring into the soul of the viewer in dead silence until you can read his mind.

The cabinet of Dr. Caligary (1920)

Strange, lurching, I watched this in German without knowing enough to keep up and I believe my confusion added to the experience.

Atomic blonde (2017)

This is my favorite movie. This is the one that I can't stop rewriting in my fics. I can't get the "lies" soliloquy out of my mind. My soul is tied to this fillum. Hot insane woman does a lot of violence, kisses women, beats up a guy who truly deserves it. Iron Curtain Spy Nonsense.

Hackers (1994)

Am I depressing you? Good, watch Hackers to experience child-like wonder and also see a grown man skateboard down a foggy street in the middle of the night to harass the homosexual teenagers (and slim shady) he's beefing with.

The core (2003)

This is not a good movie. But there is a little freak in there named "Rat" who I am obsessed with.

Angel's egg (1985)

This is the kind of movie where you have to not try to figure out what's going on and instead let it take you by the hands, just experience it, just keep your mouth shut and your mind at rest and you can consider the implications afterward when its safe.

Princess mononoke (1997)

I watched this as a child and saw those beasts dissolve into bloody worms and apparently that left a lasting mark on my brain.

Nausicaä of the valley of wind (1984)

I actually read the manga for this one but this is a movie rec list, so please go watch this for the death and rebirth vibes, and some mild foeyay yuri.

Invasion of the body snatchers (1978)

Horror movie that's odd and disturbing and clearly betraying some better dead than red fears, worth it for the horrible despicable freakish noise the guy makes at the end while pointing at the viewer.

Strange days (1995)

Please read up on this before watching it, it revolves around a fictional, then-futuristic critique of the adult film industry, HEAVY focus on the capitalistic dehumanization and devaluing of human life.

Underworld (2003)

Bad asses in leather fighting monsters. Core memory.

Blade (1998)

Bad asses in leather fighting monsters but maybe you need a break from how white this whole movie list is overall. That's okay, I see you, this vampire flick fucks severe.

Fright night (1985, 2011)

The first movie is pretty campy (fun) but the remake dug into my actual stressors and fears and scared the lights from my eyes for a day or two. Welcome... to FrrrighT NighT.

Dracula (1931, 1992)

First movie is a classic, this is thee one with the guy crawling around like a lizard and there's armadillos for no reason. The 90's version has no business being as deranged as it is and for this it is a core personality trait movie.

Fast&furious: Tokyo drift (2006)

Not sure I would say this is peak cinema but it's a racing movie that falls in line with the F&F tradition of being clearly in love with the entire premise, location, and cast. Rent free.

Drive (2011)

I like this movie because it is not about the guy getting the girl, it is about doing the right thing every single time because that's what it takes to be a real human bean. being. whichever. I was so obnoxious about this movie when I watched it with my now-ex gf that I wish I could siphon the memory of it out of her brain, because I kept pointing at actors I knew.

Green room (2015)

This is the best punk parable I can think of. Litany against not reading the room, litany against being the hero when there's no one to save, litany against thinking shared trauma is gonna get you any pussy.

Lords of chaos (2018)

I'm obsessed with the band Mayhem there is no other explanation.

There will be blood (2007)

WILD WEST TOXIC YAOI. I'm not apologizing for this summary and I'm not elaborating.

Butch Cassidy and the sundance kid (1969)

I don't know. I watched this in the wee hours of the morning with my best friend and actually cried about it. Doomed criminals and a famous final stand.

Saw (2004)

I used to watch Saw movies when I lived in the trailer park while hiding from my family in a neighbor's place so I don't know if these movies are good or if I needed to watch tortureporn to relax bcs the roof leaked on my bed when it rained? But I think everyone should at least watch the first movie or how are you going to play any games?

Chernobyl diaries (2012)

I walked out of this movie shaking head to toe and couldn't think about anything else for months. I don't think I'd be as scared now but I can't say if that's because I'm not 16 anymore. Warning against going into a dangerous situation with a guy you met off Craigslist.

Constantine (2005)

Demon hoards, evil angels, catholic bullshit, 9/10.

The neverending story (1984)

Well after all that let's reinstate some whimsy into our souls again bcs this is the Jim Henson Power Hour. This one is just a solid entry point into "puppets are fun and practical effects are my best friend".

The dark crystal (1982)

My babysitters put this on for me as a bed-time story when I was five (5) years old and I do not believe I slept, I think they regretted this and had to tell my parents what they did. But now I will never stop making Skeksis noises at people I love.

Labyrinth (1986)

Y'know the phenomenon of alt teens and preteens dating young adult men who are total and complete losers, including actual band members? It's not that this pre-dates any of that, but I believe it does a good job representing it through the lens of a modern fairy tale. Like when you watch this you have to realize this is wish fulfillment for people who want to be Sarah because their age-gap goth boyfriend in the real world is a manipulative disappointment.

Pacific rim (2013)

Love letter to the mecha and kaiju genre(s). Makes no sense, compels me though.

Eurotrip (2004)

This is the movie "Scotty doesn't know" is from. Some high schoolers fuck off to Europe and have the most misadventure possible. It's somehow exactly the kind of cringe humor you would expect from the 00's without being cruel or overly disgusting. I used to watch a lot of really bad 00's comedies and this is a good one I promise. Scussie.

Hamlet (1996)

Personality point, I think this is the best version on film because the guy actually looks like how I envisioned Hamlet. Ignore your girl! Avenge your dad!

Advantageous (2015)

This movie goes in on the connection between race and class in a sci-fi future where you can change the former through predatory, dangerous cosmetic surgery.

Gravity (2013)

This is my go-to movie when I need to sob like a sick little baby. Space travel as a metaphor for motherhood, spaceships as the womb, scientists are the babies who left their babies back on earth. It's about what you give up in the name of fulfilling your human urge for the unknown.

All clear on the western front (2022)

Thee anti-war fillum. Very well done. I never recovered from one of the final scenes to the point I wrote a final paper on it. Without spoiling it, the Ending gave me the feeling of when you're a kid and you want to go play, but you're grounded and you fall asleep listening to your friends outside in the street. I hope this sentence ruins your life if you watch this movie.

Inglorious basterds (2009)

They lock some nazis in a theatre and set them on fire, good cinema.

Shadow dancer (2012)

Domhnall Gleeson in one of his classically pathetic twink roles but its about British imperial violence and Irish reactionary violence.

Logan (2017)

Good art film, a story about dementia, legacies, and why putting children in cages is fucking evil.

The batman (2022)

Weird art film, next question.

Joker (2019)

I do not care about the opinions of straight men who watch things uncritically, this is a good movie because of the depictions of poverty in the US. I don't believe this needed to be about the DC Joker this should have been a standalone art film about a mime.

Dragonheart (1996)

Medieval era dragon nonsense, I will never be convinced this is a bad movie.

Sleeping beauty (1959)

Personality trait was rooting for the dragon.

Snow dogs (2002)

I'm not defending this one it stands on its own, please watch this movie if you wanna see Cuba Gooding Jr. bite a husky's ear so it'll stop ruining his life.

Luck of the irish (2001)

This movie is genuinely so bad I have considered it some kind of hate crime since the day it came out, because I watched this the day it was a direct-to-TV movie. I think I was too young to feel insulted but I was deeply, deeply bemused.

Black swan (2010)

There is a woman inside her and she is trying to crash the plane. Can I get away with calling this foe-yay yuri also? I'm going to.

I, tonya (2017)

Sufjan Stevens' song "Tonya Harding in Eb major" makes me so unreasonably emotional, so one day I watched this movie and then the film of the 1988 Calgary Olympics in the living room while all of my housemates had to sneak around in the dark. This is just a solid movie about ambition, betrayal, abuse, tragedy, and having to get over it and move on because you're not dead yet.

Phantom of the opera (2004)

Whatever was going on in Labyrinth, this is the adult version. Weird man in a sewer possessing a soprano. I think there's some gender happening here but it gets a little lost under the love(?) triangle.

A knights tale (2001)

Just go watch some more medieval nonsense, it's good for you, its fun.

White chicks (2004)

I'm not defending this choice, it's a good movie. "You were thinking it" "Yeah but you said it" there are some phrases you could use to see if I had been replaced with a body double and this is one of them.

Heathers (1988)

Ouughhgh ough oh. Personality trait. Watched this because I kept listening to the musical soundtrack, love both but agree the themes are much tighter in the movie. This is just a fun schlock to tell teens life is stupid and difficult and bad things will happen, so don't abandon your friends.

Priscilla queen of the desert (1994)

Classic homo fillum, if you wonder why I write Gilbert Like That it's partially because of the mean little fruit from this movie. It's about the Aussie drag scene and who belongs in the queer community.

300 (2006)

I'm not sure that I would call this a "good" movie, but it's a classic as far as I'm concerned. This is the "THIS IS SPARTA" movie.

The foreigner (2017)

I actually don't remember the plot of this one too solidly but the suspense and action were solid, and I enjoyed the setup. Good for if you wanna be really pissed off for two hours.

Conan the barbarian (1982)

Look at me. Look into my eyes. You're going to watch this movie. You're going to think about the wheel of pain and you're going to go wow, this is so stupid. Don't look away I'm not done. You're going to watch this movie and then you're going to get a couple of paper towel tubes and find someone to beat the shit out of each other with the tubes.

Law abiding citizen (2009)

I don't know I think watching this movie changed my brain chemistry in very special ways. Guy fucking loses it and becomes a problem for his local community by kidnapping and torturing people who killed his family. Cathartic and vile.

Black dog (1998)

:D DO YOU WANNA WATCH AN ACTION MOVIE ABOUT AN 18-WHEELER?

The hunt for red october (1990)

Almost forgot this one. Lithuanian Submariner off the shits, goes rogue, I'm not sure what accent Sean Connery is going for, I get the impression he just showed up to gigs and did whatever he wanted.

[kindheart525]

Now for the long-awaited Glep x Marge horde! Ever since I first started working on this next gen as a serious project, I knew these two would have a whole horde of kids because of how madly in love I think they are. Glep has that raw bad boy edge and Marge is smoking hot so of course they have a big family to prove how much time they’ve spent loving each other if you catch my drift. They may have seven whole kids, but they’re just as youthful and energized as ever, which is far more than what can be said about Pim and his four kids. To outsiders, Glep looks like he’s fooling around on an iPad all day, but he’s somehow managing to give each of his kids proper attention AND keep Marge relaxed and satisfied. He’s got to be warping time itself to do all of that because I don’t know how you can have time for a full-time job AND seven kids AND a stable marriage without it wearing on you. Who knows how Glep does it.

As for the kids themselves, from right to left we have:

Blep inherited her mom’s supermodel looks but has an aesthetic all her own, going for a goth look that makes her look almost otherworldly combined with her unnaturally green skin. This combined with her speaking exclusively in her dad’s Wingon tongue leads people to make a lot of assumptions about her, that she’s weird or even scary, but the truth is that she’s very nice and sociable. She sometimes joins Kip and Dottie as a third to their trio, as aside from their common interests, both girls can relate to having assumptions made about them based on their looks.

Suzy, to many, looks like a hairball sliding around on the ground, but she would feel utterly insulted if you described her that way. She has her dad’s body and her mom’s luscious locks, though most don’t know where the hair ends and body begins. Despite her face being completely concealed, she’s so eloquent in her speech and mannerisms that you could completely forget that she’s basically a pile of hair as you become entranced in a conversation with her. She’s a classy lady and every unusual part of her only adds to her allure.

Gola is a model at some high-end agency, with an unbreakable confidence and an insatiable need to make sure the whole world knows how sharp her style is. She is quite sassy but can also be kind of dumb, arguing until she’s blue in the face to defend a claim that is flat out wrong just so she can have the satisfaction of being right. She’s also picked up a lot of her speech patterns from her dad’s friend Allan, so catch her comically mispronouncing a lot of words as well.

Chad is a pretty normal guy. As engaged in meme culture as any of his generation and especially as a child of the tech savvy Glep, so sometimes the family will be hit with a “skill issue” or “had to do it to em.” He likes to act like he doesn’t care what people think of him and will often lounge around in socks and sandals when not cosplaying as a meme. Sarcasm and jokes get a good laugh out of him but not when they’re at his expense, like when his siblings compare him to Stuart Little because of his abnormally short, less-than-two-foot stature. 

Giorno is a total gym rat, who cannot get through a single day without going through his elaborate full-body routine. He lives off of whey smoothies and many speculate lots of steroids, but he won’t confirm or deny that. School and work hardly matter to him as long as there’s gym. Workout stuff aside he has a sharp sense of humor and can engage in some good witty banter, especially with his best friend, favorite workout buddy, and love interest, Ell Pimling.

Eep, in contrast to her more eloquent and self-assured twin Suzy, is a shy little thing whose personality is as small as her stature. She is super sweet and loving with the people and critters she trusts most, and almost everyone she meets finds her very likable. This agreeability is something she finds joy in, but she has a hard time speaking up for herself when she wants something or disagrees. Her “speaking” sounds more like a squeaky dog toy than actual speech, but just like everyone can understand Glep’s Wingon tongue, she is perfectly clear to everyone when she does express herself.

Glorp is the least imposing critter you will ever meet. He is practically a background character. Every time he opens his mouth one of his siblings, parents, or peers starts speaking, so nobody knows what his voice sounds like or what his personality is. He doesn’t put up any fuss as he walks or slithers around with his noodly body, so everyone assumes he is perfectly content with the way things are. Nobody has asked him but he would probably agree based on his facial expression. 

[chiropteracupola]

it's the time of year again for another original spooky story... and thus we present to you:

"THE RAT PIPER"

“…..Now, all you who’re here, what story would you hear? Shall I tell you the tale of the boy who taught himself to speak to bees? The story of the sailor who won a mermaid’s heart? The story of the old inn and the ghostly hand?” The storyteller looked down at the children surrounding them and watched as they clamored, each cheering for a different old favorite out of all her tales. She smiled, teeth still bright in a worn, warm, age-freckled face.

“Oh, but those are far too often told, I think. I’ve another story, just right for a winter night like this one…”

“A new story?” asked one of the children, his eyes wide with hope.

“In that you have not yet heard it told, it’s new. But I shall begin first off by telling you just how old this story is.” The storyteller nodded to the boy, and began her tale….

——

Listen. There was, and there wasn’t, and there was a girl called Tamsen, and she was a child of only a few more years than you back when your grandfathers were young. She was a piper’s daughter, and went with him when he traveled to play the flute and the fife at betrothals and weddings and dances and sometimes funerals, for some people like that sort of music for a dirge. When her father was not piping away at music that would make trees shake their leaves just as you nod your head and clap your hands, Tamsen played the flutes as well, and even what she piped on an old tin whistle felt like a song that might make a forest lift up its roots and dance.

But Tamsen was a hungry-hearted girl, as many children are, and the space between her father’s notes never seemed enough to please her. So off into the woods she went, when the work of the day was done, and on the battered whistle her father had used as a boy, she played his songs and her own for no one but the forest. Or, so she thought.

The woods have a way of knowing when someone is wanting, and cascading through the branches above and the roots below and in every network of the forest, the song of such a hungry heart traveled far and wide. And something that had been waiting a terribly long time for such a tune to be played heard, and oh, how quickly he came skittering.

In that clearing in the forest where Tamsen went to whistle, a stump of an ancient tree served well enough to stand on. It was cracked across in places, all hollow beneath where its roots once had fed deeply from the earth of those woods. And up from one of the cracks came clambering a man barely the height of Tamsen’s two hands put together. He scrambled to stand a little in front of her on the stump, expression sour as he dusted splinters of wood from his fox-red hair and long blue coat.

Tamsen looked down at him with more curiosity than apprehension at first, cataloguing him as if she could manage to fit him into any notions she’d had before of the sort of creatures that might dwell someplace underneath a tree stump. The little man had a sharp face like a weasel’s and a pointed beard, and bright, clever eyes like a pair of polished silver buttons, which looked back at Tamsen with just as little worry as she’d felt. Tamsen, being a rather over-bold girl at the best of times, reached out and grabbed at the back of his coat, hoisting him up to her eye level.

“What the hell are you?” said Tamsen, holding out the little man in front of her at arms’ length.

“Do you kiss your grandmother with that mouth, tall girl?” said he, smiling like a knife blade.

“My grandmother lives two villages past the edge of the forest, and I only see her when my father is there to pipe at a betrothal or a wedding or a dance or a funeral, for some people like that sort of music for a dirge, and even then, I don’t kiss her at all, with this mouth or any other. What’s more, I don’t see what you mean, talking of grandmothers when I asked a question of you.”

The little man crossed his arms and pouted, kicking his feet in the air as if to emphasize his point.

“If we’re aiming for politeness now, one ought not to shake their acquaintances about like sacks of potatoes!”

“Oh. My name is Tamsen. How do you do?” she asked, and as she made her clumsy, father-taught bow, she made the mistake you must never make if you happen to be a character in a story. She gave her name to a creature of a sort she did not know, and so swung open a door to a place she had never intended to visit.

“Gannet will do for now, if you must call me something,” said the little man. That was not his name, of course — the sort of thing that he was did not have names as we know them to be, but we shall call him that as we tell the story. We are not that sort of thing, and we are fond of names. Now, we shall go on with exactly what he was doing, and the sort of power he liked to offer.

Gannet held up an ivory whistle, as long as he was tall, and Tamsen took it. It was carved all over with animals, long and twisting and tangling tails and legs together in a marvelous woven pattern.

“Now, tall girl, that’s no flute for betrothals and weddings and dances and funerals, even though it can play the right sort of music for a dirge. Play it just right, and you can pipe down a thunderstorm that will rain so long and hard that the mountains themselves will be washed away.”

Tamsen raised the whistle to her lips and blew, a note as sweet as coming inside from the cold, as sharp as an autumn wind all braided with dry leaves.

“Why did you give this to me, just like that? I haven’t got any money, I can’t give you anything in trade for it.”

“The whistle must be played, tall girl! And I cannot do it myself,” said the little man, pointing out his height with a sweeping gesture of one hand. “You’ve got the music to play it properly, so play it you must! Now, a tune, if you would, and we shall see who comes to dance.”

She played again, a song quick and merry as any young person running to visit their lover, and the wind came up and sang along with a voice all its own. The little man shivered within his coat, for the day was cold, and with a rush of wings, a thousand birds slalomed through the trees and spiraled around them. Tamsen gasped, nearly dropping the whistle, and the whirlwind of wings slowed.

“Tall girl, it’s you who’s called them up! Play on, they want their dance!”

Tamsen, you know, had a piper’s soul, and all the cleverness in her little finger that most have in all their body. So up she stepped, and making the same bow and scrape that her father made before he played, whistled up a song for the birds to dance to.

Scarlet and ash, black and white, a swirl of feathers patterned out a dance Tamsen knew. This song was a courting song, the sort played when the young folk just grown-up enough to be thinking of sweethearts would be dancing the night away. Tamsen had often stayed up to see them, and now, found the beating of wings and the fluff of feathers just as marvelous as the tapping of boots and the swish of skirts as the couples joined and turned and parted. For as long as she played, the birds danced for the two watchers in the clearing, and just as the song ended and Tamsen lowered the whistle from her lips, they were gone again in a flurry of color. She stared after them, breathless with awe, the surging pride at what she’d wrought filling her from the soles of her boots to the tip of her nose.

“With a talent like yours, no doubt you’ll find fortune in no time!” said the little man, bright and self-assured. Tamsen considered for a moment. She was the sort to like being petted and praised a good deal, and she got little enough of that as it was.

“How exactly might one go about doing that?”

“Well, say you were to set out on your own, see a little of the world, have a try at finding out just what that whistle there can do. And I’d come along of you, of course, for on one hand I should very much like to see you try your paces and on the other I have rather an interest in finding out some fortune for myself as well.” Now, to Tamsen’s mind, that sounded just the sort of thing she should like to do, and her hungry heart, which had begun rather to gnaw at the inside of her ribcage, bit a little harder in her chest as if to say “yes, yes!” But a bit of her father’s instruction beyond the methods of the music had worn on her, though not enough to keep her home.

“I’ll get my coat, then, for I’m not supposed to go far off without it. And then we shall go a-fortune-seeking!” And off she ran back to the little house where her father the piper dwelt, slamming into the front-room as brisk as the autumn wind. Tamsen took her coat from the hook by the door, put a loaf of bread in its pocket, and laced her boots up tight once more, for one bootlace had come a little loose in running.

“Pa, I’m leaving to seek my fortune!” she called, for her father was beside the hearth in his usual chair, not quite expecting her to be home or to be away.

“You’re doing what now, Tam?”

“Leaving to seek my fortune! Tell Grandma I love her! Bye!” And with that, she stepped out the door and back into the wind.

“What took you so long?” said the little man, who had been waiting at the hollow tree until she returned.

“I was hardly five minutes.”

“Well, everything’s slower when you’re small. Slower to get from place to place, slower to get attention…”

“What if I carried you, then? If we’re traveling together, it would be better if you could keep up.”

The little man paced back and forth, considering.

“Fine, then, but carry me careful. I am more fragile than you think.” Tamsen snatched him up by the collar and set him on her shoulder. “Not so rough, tall girl!” He wavered, wobbling, for a moment, then got a hand around the shoulder seam of her coat and held on tight.

“Onward!” said Tamsen, and off she went, running along the path with the wind at her back and the little man clinging to her shoulder like a rat to a railing. After a few minutes, she paused and turned to him. “Where exactly are we going?”

“Over the edge of the world and back again, even to the deep waters below where Chance and Luck swim like fish in a fishbowl. But you know the stories well, tall girl! Bold knights and brave ladies must quest first before they find where Fortune dwells.”

“That’s all?” said Tamsen, and gave a little hop and skip that made the man squeak with surprise.

“Of course not! We shall meet with adventure and you shall play the whistle for a betrothal and a wedding and a dance and a funeral, and you shall play the whistle for Fortune itself and see what comes of it!” And so they went, and the sun turned about the sky as it spun hand in hand with the moon, and the road passed beneath Tamsen’s feet as easily as the notes of the tune she played as she walked.

But before too long had passed, she came to a fork of the path, and what had been the road that led from the wood now was two, one that led down to the water and the other to the town. Down the road that led to the town, the miller’s daughter and the smith’s daughter were walking arm in arm, the smith’s daughter smart in her blue Sunday coat and fine silk cravat, and the miller’s daughter with her white petticoat all showing where the hems of her faded skirts came short. They saw Tamsen as soon as Tamsen saw them, though Gannet had seen them earlier and yet said nothing.

“Where are you going, little girl?” said the miller’s daughter, looking down the length of her nose at Tamsen.

“I’m not a little girl, I’m a piper!” said Tamsen in return, with a sharpness she regretted.

“She’s the piper’s daughter, that she is,” said the smith’s daughter, “and I’m sure she is as good a piper as ever her father has been. He played at my father’s marriage, you know."

“I’m a better piper than ever my father will be,” said Tamsen, sour and eager to defend herself, and behind her braid, Gannet laughed a little laugh to himself. “I can whistle down the birds from the trees and the rain from the mountains, so I can!” And she spun the ivory whistle between her fingers as her father had taught her, and made it shine so that every carved creature all down the length of it seemed to twist and dance in the last of the sunset’s light.

“Sing me a dress, then, Tamsen?” asked the miller’s daughter, then, with a little hope behind her haughtiness, and smoothed down the faded front of her skirts where water and wear had half washed the print from the calico.

“Well, it may not keep you warm, but I shall see what I can whistle up for you.” Tamsen blew the whistle, and remembered a song that her father had played at a dance, years and years before. It was a rollicking, rambling song, and her fingers flickered up and down the flute and made the tune ring out, just as bright as ever it had been. The wind came up, and whirled a gown of fallen red maple leaves, weaving stems and vines into a trim bodice and a wide skirt.

“Tall girl, don’t dawdle! Fortune’s waiting, come along!” Gannet tugged on one of her braids, and Tamsen turned and put away the whistle.

“Won’t you come with us instead and go dancing?” asked the miller’s daughter, plucking at her crackling-bright hems, her smile shy but just as bright.

“Let her go her own way, my apple,” said the smith’s daughter, and took her by the hand.

“I’m going to find my Fortune,” said Tamsen, “and perhaps I’ll come back some other day when I’ve got it in my hand.”

“You can’t just go around saying such things out loud!” said Gannet, half-offended, into her ear. His breath was very cold, and Tamsen shivered as though the wind had crept in and laid its cold fingers all along the edge of her cap. But she ignored him, and, standing up on her tiptoes, tucked a last bright leaf into the smith’s daughter’s buttonhole.

“There. Now you match, and may be on your way, and we will be on ours.” The smith’s daughter grinned and bowed, and the miller’s daughter curtsied, and Tamsen made her bow in return before they parted ways. Down the road to the river they went, Tamsen with her heart light and Gannet’s fingers clutching at her collar, and the whistle at her mouth all the way. As it had not been a long way from home to the turning of the road, it was not far to go to reach the water, and Tamsen was glad of it, for she had begun to tire of running, for all that the road to the place where Fortune dwelt seemed to be a smooth one indeed.

“This way, tall girl!” said Gannet, all sprightly and sharp, and pointed down the hill and out toward the broad horizon. The water lay out before them both, wide and dark and as smooth as the road had been, but Tamsen could not run down the current of it as she had run down the road, and beneath her coat, a shiver stroked her spine at the sight of it.

“I haven’t money for the ferry,” said Tamsen, in an attempt at practicality, and Gannet scoffed.

“Show them what you can do, and there’ll be reward in it for the both of us!” So down to the docks Tamsen skipped, and halted just before the ferry.

“I can play for my passage,” said Tamsen, drawing herself up as tall as she could. Gannet made a fierce face. The boatman smiled slow, and the boy perched near the prow put out a tar-smudged hand and hauled the two of them over the side.

“Would you whistle us a wind, lass?” asked the boatman, pointing to the whistle in her hand. Tamsen nodded, and played a shanty that spun up the waves to whiteness and sounded like a seagull’s call.

“I know this one!” said the boy, grabbing at Tamsen’s sleeve. “Do you know the words to it, miss?”

“No,” said Tamsen, setting down the whistle as the wind went on. “My father taught me the tune of it, but I’ve never heard it sung. Has it got a story to it?”

“It ends unhappy,” said the boy.

“Lots of songs do,” said Gannet, smiling sharp as ferrets’ teeth.

“Aye, but some don’t. Why don’t you play a happy song, the kind where everyone ends up all right at the end and they have a feast?”

“Feasts are a tricky thing too, lad. Oh, when you’re serving up and it comes time to carve in, you never do know just what’s on your plate. Meat’s messy, and it goes rotten quick as false-told tales. Better dry bones for me, strong and simple just as songs are.” Gannet snapped his teeth and smirked, and the boy shivered away and didn’t speak to them again, although Tamsen could always see him just at the edge of her vision, keeping a fixed look on Gannet out of the corner of his eye.

The boy did not speak to Tamsen or Gannet again, and his father did no more than smile softly as Tamsen played the last sweet chorus of the song, but sang the verse that told of sorrowful shipwreck, and the king’s fair bride dead before she ever was married, and all the captain’s bravery come to nothing. But though the shanty that Tamsen had chosen was no story of a smooth sail, they came to the other side of the water in good time, and the boatman wished them well as they went on their way, but the boy said nothing, and Tamsen clambered down alone.

And now that the further shore of the water lay before them, there was nothing else for Tamsen to do but to walk, and to play the whistle, and to walk again. To another town they came, larger than any one that Tamsen had ever seen, and so it was nervously that she passed the slow-swinging gates and into the empty avenues within.

“Where is everyone?” she wondered, but there seemed to be no one else but Gannet to hear her, and no sound but the padding of her own footsteps. That, and something more. A rustling, a skittering, a scratch-of-nails-on-slate sound, coming from everywhere at once. Tamsen spun, and saw a crooked shutter swing out on its half-rusted hinge, the wind picking at paint gone cracked and peeling with heat and sun and the fingernails of time. Her feet felt unsteady on the cobblestones, and scraps of paper and sackcloth blew about before her.

Tamsen knelt, plucking a bit of paper from the ground, the back of it dark and yellowed where glue had gone long dry. It was a label, but the writing of it was a mystery to her, for the paper seemed to have been chewed half out of existence by a myriad of tiny pointed teeth.

“Gannet, do you—“ she asked, the wind clawing at her coat and rolling dust over the toes of her boots, but before she could finish, Gannet shrieked “Tall girl, here!” and she snapped upright as if tugged by a marionette-string. Now the cobbles were all too solid, though Tamsen wished that they were not, for down through the windows and out through holes in the plasterwork and from every crevice of those long-left houses came a flood of rats, skittering and scuttling so that the streets rang with the sound of their claws all a-scrape against stone. Rustle and scratch and down came rats from roofs of moldering thatch, creak and squeak and clatter and out came rats from the cracks between boarded-over doors. Tails twined together in a wriggling mass of scaled skin, mangy fur showing through the spaces in between.

Tamsen put the whistle to her mouth, the instinct to do so as quick as a lightning-bolt and just as snapping-bright, but her fingers were frozen, and everywhere around them the rats were running. Gannet got a foothold in her braid, and climbed atop her cap, his sharp little fingers digging into her scalp, and Tamsen nearly shouted with the start of it, for his hands were clay-cold in the sun of that town that had been left to the rats.

“I don’t know what song to play!”

“Whistle, tall girl! You’ll know!” And so Tamsen placed her fingers on the whistle and played, and the rats rose like a river. They flowed up out of gutters and drains, poured out of windows and doors, scampered in a tidal wave of skittering feet and piebald fur. Gannet slipped down, but clung to Tamsen’s coat collar, pressing himself up against her neck with all his strength. All around Tamsen’s feet, the rats swirled and spiraled, dancing to her tune. She breathed in, and played faster and louder than before, and stepped up, up onto the backs of the rats, dancing with them light as leaves.

“Tall girl, have you lost your mind?” Gannet grabbed hold of her hair with sharp little fingers, but Tamsen only laughed into the whistle and played on.

“They’ll take us to find Fortune!” And the rats did, cascading along under Tamsen’s feet as she strolled along their backs. Rats can run a long time, if they’re caught up in such a thing as music. And human children can run a good long while, just the same. They’re not so fragile as one might think, both children and rats, though their bones are more brittle and their bodies smaller.

And so the day turned to night, and to day again, and the rats ran on, and Tamsen played the ivory whistle far past the point where she’d have gasped for breath before. But something new and wild had come up like the wind now, in her lungs and in her mouth, and over and over she played that song that told of lost loves and the fading ends of summertimes and bright beauties faded.

At last the rats slowed, for the town was long gone by, and the forest had faded first into chaparral, and then to plain, and then to nothing but sheer white stone, marked with deep and gaping cracks. Just as quick as they had come up from the houses and the holes, the rats scuttled down between the stones, and hardly before she knew it, Tamsen was all but alone again. The last notes of the song rang hollow on the empty air, and she looked to Gannet, questioning.

“What am I to do now?”

“Why, play on, tall girl! What else?”

“And Fortune?”

“The whistle must be played, the year must spin! With summer’s end, the piper calls the harvest in! There are to be dances, and betrothals, and weddings, but in the autumn must the funerals be held.”

“What—“

“You’ve had your betrothal and your wedding and your dance and your funeral, and now it’s time to play your dirge. Party’s over, tall girl.” The man crossed his arms, his face skeletal, his teeth sharp. There was an odd light to his eyes, once which Tamsen had rarely seen before. He clawed his way back to her shoulder, and though she tried to shake him free, he only dug his sharp fingers the more fiercely into her coat-sleeve. As he spoke again, he was right against her ear, shrill and demanding.

“Now, play the whistle, play it well! Pipe me one last tune!”

And Tamsen put the whistle to her lips and played a song her father had played after nearly every funeral. Not mournful, and something you danced to, to be certain, but slower, softer, the song the coffin-bearers might walk in step with as to the grave they went. The last song of all.

The wind came up, and the ground shook beneath her feet. Tamsen nearly lost her balance, and felt Gannet’s sharp hands grab at the back of her neck as he slipped off her shoulder.

The stones cracked and split, heaving up to reveal deep chasms beneath. Tamsen clambered to perch atop a spar of rock, missing a few notes as she played one-handed. And up out of the earth came the dead, dressed in bones clean and clattering, and danced. First a cascade of birds, somehow still flying despite their wing feathers having long rotted away, then people, of all ages, bones rattling as they stepped from foot to skeletal foot. Tamsen noticed one skeleton missing a leg, others with cracked-in skulls or fractured rib-cages, though it seemed not to impair them as they dipped and turned. Watching the dead in their dance from her place atop the jutting stone, she began to recognize familiar movements, familiar steps, though all danced to the same tune. Some made the box-step of a hornpipe, while others twirled their partners back and forth, skeleton after skeleton rising up to join the swirling rings of dancers.

Then, last of all, a new tide of bones, smaller than the rest, shook from the earth and solidified, scampering underfoot. A hundred million skeletons of rats, their bones bleached and shined, their tiny toe-bones skittering and clicking on the stone.

“You made this place.” The certainty settled on Tamsen’s shoulders like a pall, heavier yet than Gannet’s weight on her shoulder. “You’re not Fortune, are you.”

“Oh, but I am, tall girl! Fortune’s as much me as it is anything else, you see. There’s a fortune that’s your luck, and a fortune that’s your fate, and a fortune last of all, that is your death. The world turns, tall girl, and Fortune turns it, but my hands are small, small! I cannot gnaw through the threads of life all on my lane!”

“And exactly what is it you do, then?” Tamsen’s sharpness served her well, even as Gannet preened and smirked so near to her ear.

“Every year I take one, a clever tall girl or a bright tall laddie, no matter who so long as they can play. And every year they play the flute, and down at Fortune’s hands they go to clay.”

“It’s them, isn’t it?” Tamsen asked, but the certainty of the truth was already on her lips. Gannet only smiled, and she played on. The music came harder and faster and sputtered and crackled in her lungs, and her fingers moved so that she feared they might slip from their sockets entirely. If she did as Gannet asked of her, she’d die here too, and the next year, her skeleton would be among the dancers. But the music had her in its grip, Fortune had its hand wrapped tight around her shoulders and— and she was the piper. She called the dance with her tune, left right left right, hop and step and cross and back with every note. And just as she had begun it, Tamsen could end it.

She took a deep breath. Then Tamsen dropped the whistle from her mouth. The dance went on without her playing, the rattle and clatter of the skeletons keeping time in perfect morbid percussion. Tamsen watched for a moment, ignoring Gannet as he tugged at her hair and shouted at her to keep playing. She got a hold on either end of the whistle, then, and brought it down on her knee. It snapped in two with a crack, and every empty-eyed skull out of all the dancing dead turned to look at her.

The house of Fortune went silent. Not a clatter or a creak of bones, just a thousand empty sockets pointed like eyes, and Tamsen, her face set, staring back. Gannet, still clinging to her coat, shrieked, more shrill and piercing than the whistle had ever been. The world seemed to shiver under the weight of such a sound as that.

Tamsen reached up and caught him by the coat collar, and ripped him from her shoulder. He dangled from her hand, limp, eyes shut tight. Then he opened his eyes, steely-silver, and then, as if he had opened another set of eyes, somewhere else, he was gone, and Tamsen’s hands were empty. She let out a long breath that she hardly realized that she had been holding, and the silence broke, too, as she dropped the shards of the whistle to the ground. A clatter and a crack, and all the twisting and twining of the carved ivory creatures was no more movement than the wind blowing low over the drought-cracked ground.

The wind came up, catching at her coat-sleeves and her braids, and the skeletons turned to one another, looking lost. Tamsen watched them stumble about, then put her hands to her mouth and shouted.

“Go home!” The skeletons turned to face her again. “You found your fortune, all of you, didn’t you? Your families are waiting for you back in the world — go there! I think…” and at that, her confidence slipped a little, her voice half a whisper. “I think they miss you.”

Then, gaining confidence again— “What are you waiting for! Go!” Tamsen stared, standing, panting, and a hundred pairs of empty eye sockets stared back. The foremost of the skeletons cocked its head to one side, as if in confusion, and turned to its fellows, gesturing wordlessly. There were a few sharper cracks amid the general clatter, as of bones being hastily snapped, and when the spokesman turned back to Tamsen, it had in its hand a long leg-bone, all drilled with holes to make a flute.

“Oh,” said Tamsen, all the air knocked from her lungs. “Oh.” She took the flute carefully from the bony hand that held it — bowed over that hand as best she could as she did so. The skeleton, though it always had shown its teeth, seemed to grin at the prospect.

“…I’ll give you a dance for the way home, if you’ll have me.” Tamsen said the words very quietly, but the skeleton appeared to hear her, and curtsied, knee-bones clattering. And so she placed the flute of bone to her lips and blew, and the wind stayed where it was, but Tamsen was a piper down to the hungry heart of her, and all the wind she needed to dance the rest of the way was the breath curling in her lungs.

——

“And what happened to Tamsen afterwards?”

“Well, friends, this story is over, you see. The tale is done, the mouse has run, and whoever catches it shall make themself a fur hat out of it. That is the way of the world. But perhaps, if you are good and quiet, I’ll spin another story and show you the weaving of it.”

[morverenmaybewrites]

Hi! I'm so glad your back, Pizza Girl is my favorite fanfic of all time!!!

I have a question, about Jason's life as a adopted son of Bruce Wayne, particularly his relationship with Batfamily (especially Dick and Barbara).

During Jasons POV, he often reflects on this time as being warm and homely, easly more comfortable than his previous conditions of living (duh, but still, positive aspects). Buuut, while thinking about his relationship with members of the family, as much as he appreciates the company and patience, he often remembers feeling scared of being thrown away if he makes a mistake, and rarely mentions bonding time with his siblings.

But on the other hand, from Dick's POV, (that I think is more reliable, because Jason's POV is influenced by his abandonment related trauma), it's painfully, heartbreakingly obvious that he loves Jason like a little brother, and that both before and now he still cares and wishes to have a better relationship with him. Similarly Barbara, who's uncondicionably there for him.

So i was thinking, do you have any headcannons for how was their time together before the kidnapping? Its mentioned that it was hard for Jason to open up, but was there time when they managed to do this? What did they like about each other, did they have favorite activities to do together in their civilian lives?

(I feel like I'm asking for fluff but in reality it's tragedy knowing what inevitably happened)

Ayt, I had been putting off answering these for a while because I had a hard time articulating my thoughts on the matter. I still have a hard time articulating my thoughts, so I'm going to try and break it down.

Jason's Relationship with Bruce

I think for the most part, Jason's relationship with Bruce was informed by the fact that while Bruce deeply loved Jason, he didn't love him in the way Jason needed.

By the time the two of them met, Jason was already deeply scarred by his experiences. He was born into one of Gotham"s poorest districts, to two parents who were neglectful at best and abusive at worst.

So when he was plucked off the grimy streets of Park Row and placed into the Wayne Manor, and got told that now, he is another man's son. I imagine the change would have rattled anyone, let alone a street rat who was used to just barely surviving.

Suddenly, there was food whenever he wanted.

Suddenly, he had a bed, the sheets warm and clean and the mattress so soft that he's scared it will swallow him.

Suddenly, he had a family.

And oh, how deeply hard it was to believe that it was all for him.

I imagine he spent most of those early days waiting for the rug to be pulled out underneath him. For him to wake up one day to find himself back in Crime Alley, an orphan once more.

So a lot of his time in Wayne Manor was actually colored by paranoia that, eventually, they will get bored of him, like a rich socialite getting bored of a yapping dog when it goes out fashion.

He spent most of his time trying to prove himself to Bruce, being the best at what he can be, because you don't throw useful things away.

(It does not help that during this time, Bruce was still reeling from his fight with Dick, and ended up comparing Jason to Dick a lot, something that deeply damaged Jason.).

I think that while Bruce deeply Jason, he just wasn't able to provide the sort of loving environment one should provide to a damaged child. He gave him a home, he gave him food, and shelter, and I imagine that if Jason was the type to ask for things (he wasn't), Bruce would have given it to him without a second thought.

But he also gave him the Robin suit, and a responsibility that was, in truth, far too heavy to place on the shoulders of a child. I think Jason probably treated being Robin as a way to "earn" his position into Wayne Manor.

Batman, after all, needed a sidekick.

And Jason was desperate to give them a reason to let him stay.

But I think, that Jason's time with the Joker also colored how he perceives Bruce (how can it not). It made him forget that they had good days, too. And a lot of them.

Because Bruce did care about Jason. He was patient whenever Jason would explode into fits of anger, he let him have the run of the library, they'd talk about their favorite books, ways to better their arsenal. If they had time, I think the relationship would have turned into something beautiful.

If they had time, I think they would have been the two people in the family who understood each other best.

(But sadly, they did not have time. And these days, the memory of him makes Jason run cold.).

Jason's Relationship with Dick

They actually didn't have much of a relationship! It's something that Dick regrets and wishes to fix.

I headcanon that Jason was adopted shortly after Dick's fight with Bruce and his subsequent departure with Bludhaven. During this time, I think that Dick was busy trying to establish his own life, find his own identity. He didn't have much time to come back to Wayne Manor and get to know his new brother.

Whenever he did come by though, Dick did make an effort with Jason, and I think that mattered.

It mattered too, that he and their father were as different as night and day. While Bruce was subdued and muted, Dick was animated, chattering constantly. Asking questions.

On rare occasions, he'd take Jason out to someplace fun, joking that Bruce's idea of fun would be going through the criminal files.

He was a good big brother, when he was there. But most of the time, he was not. And that made it easier for the Joker to make Jason believe that he didn't care.

Jason's relationship with Barbara

I think that, aside from Alfred, Barbara is the closest to Jason.

While Dick was busy trying to establish himself as Nightwing and Bruce was being...Bruce, it was Barbara who took it upon herself to be Jason's mentor.

She'd often look out for him during patrols, give him pointers during training, and she'd also make it a point to make sure that Jason would be able to relax.

If the Batfam ever organized a movie night or an outing to the city park, it was because of her.

A part of Jason definitely remembers this, which is why at the start of the story, Barbara is the only one he bothers keeping in contact with.

[x-0ophelia0-x]

Ezra x Jacen’s Nany Reader

Hear me out….. there’s NO WAY in the galaxy that Hera leaves Jacen with only Chopper, I repeat CHOPPER as supervision… that droid has committed war crimes on a daily basis as a form of entertainment, simply because he could.

Sabine has been to busy being a part-time jedi apprentice, and looking for a way to bring her idiot best friend/brother Ezra back home to their Mama Hera..

Kallus is simply too busy as a stay-at-home dad raising his horde of Lesat cubs, while his hubby Zeb is busy working as a part-time recruit trainer for the New Republic..

So.. what’s a VERY pregnant Hera to do when she comes across a young girl, who happens to be the same age as the Son she had just lost, in the streets of a still recovering planet after the fall of the Empire? Watching as the girl gently tends to the sick and injured that others seemed to ignore.. all while this child is clearly malnourished and weak herself.

Surprise bitch, you just got adopted by the coolest Mama in the Galaxy..

Aside from helping Hera around the Ghost with chores, making sure the ship’s baby ready, and studying (because Hera wants to help her new kid after clearly observing her passion for medicine) she eventually becomes Jacen’s teacher and basically the family’s personal Doctor.. (and I mean the WHOLE family.. Zeb tried to avoid his annual check-up once.. wasn’t happy that Kallus ratted him out and basically tricked him into Reader’s office)

The main draw back that Reader seams to have in her personal life though??? Her severe case of “Resting Bitch Face” nobody seems to show any interest in her, and only her adopted family seems to not be bothered by it.. she even tries to do things to make her face less intimidating.. constantly being aware of her facial expressions and doing her best to keep her eyebrows slightly raised and a slight half smile on her lips…

Then Ezra comes back… and you bet your ass as soon as the crying, hugging, lecturing and overall emotional reunion is done.. Hera is dragging Ezra by the ears to get a FULL check-up by the most trustworthy doctor she knows.. and Jacen is happily tagging along, holding his “big brothers” sleeves while waiting for him to meet one of his favorite people.. the outcome is… somewhat unexpected.. Ezra trying to be charming and calling Reader’s “serious face” cute..

And Reader being genuinely flustered by Ezra’s awkward attempt at flirting…

Jacen.. is getting ideas, and Chopper is going to help him because CHAOS WILL RAIN!!!

……. and he’s got years worth of pranks to pull on Ezra.. might as well start now.. 😉

a gremlins Nany.

pairing: Jacen‘s Nany!Readee x Ezra Bridger

warnings: none

word count: 2,1 k

summary: You’re Heras most trusted person. Not only did you take care of her beloved son Jacen, no. You were and still are his Nany and best friend. And not only that, after Ezra’s return, Hera ofc trusts you with his check ups. And Jacen and Chopper have a lot of fun about this.

authors note: It’s not proofread, pls bare with me! 😭 I‘m sick and I gave my best to make it as good as possible :´D I hope this makes sense, I‘m not really familiar with medical stuff, especially when it comes to Star Wars 💀

anywayyyy

enjoyyyy <333

imagine this being Ezra waiting for his routine checkups, thank you xd

As she walked through the streets she didn’t fail to notice a young girl, helping the people in need.

Her way with the injured and sick was more then just gentle.

Despite her own visible weaknesses portrayed by a weak body.

After each treatment she only left them to treat the next one if they reassured her that they’re fine.

„Thank you so much y/n, wouldn’t know what I’d done if it wasn’t for your help“

Said an elderly woman, truly a heartbreaking scene even if this girl was a complete stranger to her.

was.

It didn’t take her long to approach the girl, she waited for her to finish the treatment on another injured citizen before she started to talk, startling the girl on front of her.

„Hey there..“

The girl turned around and met her eyes with the stranger, her gaze was shocked at first but soon turned into one of adoration as she looked at the pregnant woman in front of her.

„H-Hey..!“

„I‘ve been here for a little while and couldn’t help but notice your way of helping your people… could I ask you a question?“

The girl looked up to the green Twi‘lek while nodding a yes.

She didn’t know how to form the question since it was a rather personal one and let’s be honest.. they didn’t talk yet.

However, this planet belonged to the ones with the highest death rates, seeing the poor girl alone here, weakened and injured.. where were her parents?

„Do you have a family here?“

As if she saw it coming the girl nodded a no, a sad expression laying bare on her face.

The Twi‘leks heart ached for her. 

She just lost one child, seeing another one, assuming at the same age as him.. it was too much to just stand by and do nothing to help.

„Would you like to become part of my crew?“

y/n looked up at her, not fully believing her ears yet.

„Are you serious..?“

„Yes“

And just like that a huge smile appeared on her face.

„Of course I’d love to!“

The woman returned y/n‘s smile and offered her her hand.

„Name‘s Hera“

„Name‘s y/n“

-

A few months passed by from the moment where you firstly walked into the Ghost.

The ship wasn’t the biggest but oh force, you’ve never felt more at peace then when you got to enter your cabin.

The ship was cozy and it even had a medbay!

Hera then decided to inform you about the other crew members and their activities. 

That’s also the reason why it was so empty.. however.

Soon you were able to meet everyone, except one boy who Hera told you was missing.

Sabine grew the closest to you (after Hera and chopper ofc).

Even if her timetable was loaded with Jedi training stuff, you two always managed to spend some time together.

Zeb worked at a part time recruit trainer for the New Republic while Kallus stayed at home, making sure that their horde of Lesat cubs wouldn’t destroy everything.

Chopper is Chopper. 

There’s nothing more to that since we all know how he is.

There’s no way that Hera would’ve trust him enough with her still unborn child.

Soooo.. with Kanan gone and Ezra missing, there’s only one person left who she’d trust enough with her baby.

You.

You were studying medicine, something you wouldn’t be able to do without Heras help.

She became something like a mother role for you and ohhh my goodness where our excited for the day the baby would be born.

She didn’t have to ask you, couldn’t even since you started to turn the ship into a baby safe place.. at least the most possible version of this since it’s a spacecraft after all .

Hera was moved to tears, seeing how much effort you put everyday to ensure her baby’s safety while everything that Chopper did was to mess with your stuff.

Yeah you were the right choice, no doubt in that.

„Hey, could I ask you to do me a favor? But before I tell you what it is, just know that whatever you’ll answer is allri-„

„Yes I want!“

„What?“

The woman was too stunned to speak.

„But you don’t know what I’m going to ask you..?“

„If I want to take care of your baby right?? Please tell me that this was your question???“

There was a spark of excitement on your voice that made Hers heart to flutter.

She didn’t know if it were her hormones or her (for now) clouded judgement but she immediately hugged you, fighting back some tears.

„Thank you..!“

-

Some years passed by and thanks to Heras help, you were able to actually get an official status as doctor.

That wasn’t your only ‚job‘ tho. You were also a part time nanny for Jason from the moment on he was born. 

Being the most trusted person available on the ghost pushed your ego, making you think that you can perform both of your ‚jobs‘ at the very same time.

It did make some things harder for you, but it was her baby after all, he was worth it.

People who knew about your story would say that you’re literally shining in comparison to your state from when before Hera found you.

Others at the other hand were kind of scared off by your resting Bitch face, not showing any interest towards you.

Your new family didn’t seem bothered at all by it, not even Jacen, but you still gave it your best to improve your facial expressions.. they never faded tho.. .

So when the day arrived where the boy called Ezra returned, Hera instantly had an assignment for you.

She and basically everyone of the ghost crew used to tell you stories about him, how he made the ultimate sacrifice to safe his crew and Lothal.

Ten years had passed since then, since his disappearance and since you’ve been as good as adopted by Hera.

The days after the big news.. we’ll it’s safe to say that you never saw her this emotional in your entire ten years.

Not even when she was pregnant with Jacen, and this is a statement. 

You weren’t there when he arrived since you had some patients waiting for their treatments, but you soon found out about the happy news when Hera called you through your comm link.

And not long after you heard her knocking on your door, dragging an middle aged man by his ears, while Jacen tagged along, holding him by his sleeves.

She asked you if you could take a look at him, a very good one since he’s been absent for like.. I don’t know… 10 years?

Yeah, sounds reasonable. 

„Please do a FULL check-up. You’re my most trusted doctor on this galaxy.“

„Of corse Hera, well then Ezra.. Please take a seat.“

He freed himself from Heras and Jacens Grasp and went to sit on the special chair. 

Ezra seemed to be excited about the technical stuff that surrounded him.. you’d be too if you’ve been stranded in the middle of nowhere for a decade so.. .

„We’ll wait outside, just tell us when we should come“

Said Hera and with that she and Jacen left the room, leaving you and Ezra alone.

„Okay then.. how are you feeling? Are you injured? Sick?“

Knowing how Important he is to Hera you tried to somehow neutralize your „special“ expression.

And he seemed to notice this, you barely knew him and he already started to change his attitude around you.

„No, I‘m totally fine“

He had a grin on his face while you raised your eyebrow at his answer.

„I still need to take a look at you so-“

He already started to take his shirt off, I mean he didn’t have to, just you her push it slightly upwards but you weren’t complaining. 

Nope.

Not at all.

But you had to keep yourself professional.

„Why did you take your shirt off?“

„For the check-up..? If I’m not wrong that’s what patients to for the lung part?“

„Ah- Yeah sorry. Yes, ehm, thank you“

You checked his heartbeat, his lungs and everything you could do at the moment.

There was one thing that concerned you.

Not his health since it was in a good state.

But the way how he made you feel.

You tried to keep a straight, neutral, friendly face while looking him up, but he made it impossible for you.

„You’re cute“

„What?“

Your movements froze for a short while, this kind of comment was unusual.

„You’re cute. You know.. the way how you try to keep your face straight“

„You’re serious?“

„Yep. Why shouldn’t I be?“

He was charming, handsome, kind, you only knew him for a very short time. Like for real. But there was something positive around him.

And it flustered you.

„Thank you“

„Just telling the truth“

-

Unbeknownst to you two, a very curious Jacen was leaning right against the door, squeezing his ear as close as he could and boy did he smile when he heard Ezra talking to his best friend.

„Jacen, you know that it’s rude to-“

„He told her that she’s cute“

He whispered, loud enough so that Hera understood him.

And her face lit up.

„He what??“

„Shhh.. come here and listen“

This private moment, at least to your knowing, made you happy.

There was finally someone who immediately found interest in you, someone who wasn’t blinded by your facial expressions or your attempt at looking natural.

Weeks passed by and he turned out to continue to be as charming as he was the day you met him.

His genuine, true, loving self made you fall im love with him and the same goes for him with you.

Hera was happy to see how both of your presences affected each other for the better and Jacen was sure that he was destined to play your matchmaker. 

And chopper didn’t let this chance go by.

Jacen wanted to help his best friend and his big brother and Chopper had years worth of pranks to pull on Ezra. 

Chaos will rain

And even if Ezra had warned you that he sensed that something would happen, nothing could ever prepare you for what was to come.

It was a peaceful day at your office.

Your last patients for today waited in the waiting room and Ezra was one of them.

Hera didn’t leave him any other choice then to go and get frequent check ups from you just in case that he really didn’t catch anything on Perridea.

His frequent check ups became known to Jacen and Chopper and they saw the perfect opportunity in this to pull their first prank on you two.

Jacen hid behind the shelf with a music box while Chopper disguised himself as something fitting to his surroundings.

They knew that you’d welcome him into your office with a hug, your relationship witch him had gotten better and better and Jacen didn’t fail to notice this.

Knowing this was the base for this prank.

As Ezra neared himself to open the door to your room, opening the door and greeting you, Choppers mini metallic arm reached out and electro shocked his leg, making him loose his balance and fall straight into your eyes.

The pose you found yourselves right now was more then unexpected as his fall took you by surprise. 

Jacen then didn’t waste any more time and played on the ‚play‘ button of the music box, playing some semantic song which seemed to be popular. 

Chopper then took a photo, beeped some things and left the room with a grinning Jacen as fast as he could.

Your patients where beyond confused at the scene and went to your office to check if everything was alright. 

As you saw them looking you two up and down… your face became the deepest shade of red known to humanity.

Ezra’s too.

This ‚incident‘ may have helped you two to get closer but you were still shy about it.

Jacen and Chopper however had other plans and lets just say that this was just the beginning.

[thechaoticdruid]

~My Tav for roleplay and story purposes~

Name: Winnie (Winnifred)

Gender: Female

Pronouns: She/Her

Class: Druid (Her favorite form being the direwolf. I also like to imagine she has some doggy-like characteristics because of it lol), she's also multi-classing as a wizard for reasons.

Age: 23

Race: Human

Hair: Reddish brown

Eyes: Pink

Height: 5'3

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral (With a bit of a good lean I suppose)

Love interest: Astarion

Backstory: Winnifred was raised deep in a hidden forest village, amongst her fellow druids. Her grandmother was the archdruid of their circle and took to raising her after Winnie's parents went missing (aka the likely died horribly on an adventure.) Winnie lived a peaceful, but boring life in the village for thirteen years until eventually it was raided by goblins and everyone she'd known and loved was slaughtered before her very eyes. Winnie was captured by the horde's leader, a strange drow wizard who only allowed her to live because he thought she'd be the perfect test subject for his 'experiments'. She never learned his name, but since the event his face has haunted her nightmares. Winnie remained his lab rat for weeks following the raid. Eventually however her suffering came to an end when a band of adventurers came to her rescue. Apparently they were old friends of the family though she had never once met any of them. They freed her from the prison she'd been held in before setting fire to the goblins camp, killing every last one of the circle's murderers....Well all except for the drow...

Sometime after that Winnie was taken in by Arva, a half elf who just so happened to be the leader of her rescuers. She brought Winnie back to her group's hideout in Baldur's Gate's under city and for ten years Winnie learned how to survive on the streets, using some not so heroic skills Arva had taught her....

•Just stuff about Winnie•

Winnie is weird.

She rarely takes anything seriously and will usually use humor as a way to keep herself sane as she puts it.

She's definitely not a saint but there are some big no nos for her when it comes to morals. No harming innocents, children, or animals.

Self righteous rich tits can suck it tho

"Think you can just spit on me? Huh!? I'll bite your fucking ankles!"

Winnie is an insomniac with permanent raccoon eyes. Shh...don't say anything she gets self conscious!

She has really low self esteem when it comes to her appearance.

Growing up all the other children in her village used to call her ugly a lot. Pretty much all of them aside from a gnome child named Demi.

Winnie liked Demi. Demi used to call her tall.

Winnie isn't particularly romantically experienced. Mostly due to her low self esteem and urge to faint or run away screaming when around someone she finds attractive.

Astarion is her first everything really.

Moving on from that Winnie has a bit of an obsession with cheese. It's like her favorite thing ever.

If you have any she will steal it.

Her handwriting is awful.

She has a habit of pretending to be dumber than she actually is to throw people off.

She identifies herself as being interested in men exclusively, but if I'm honest she does have a bicurious streak.

Mostly because Karlach once asked her what she would do if Astarion was a girl.

Karlach is like her best friend, but don't tell Star he'll get jealous. Shhh...

Has a little plant in a small pot that she affectionately calls Vern.

Currently writing erotic Bloodweave fanfiction titled 'Blood Mage' as a side job to afford Astarion's costly wardrobe. Shhh.... don't tell Gale.

Likes to draw exaggerated doodles in her journal a lot. Usually illustrating important events in her life.

She often dwells on something she remembered one of the older druids saying before the raid. The elder druid described Winnie as "a weed amongst the flowers."

Winnie used to flip the old lady off behind her back all the time.

Will probably be updated and expanded on. Feel free to ask questions. I might make a separate one of these for my Durge .

IMPORTANT: While I am open to doing a little roleplay here and there I'm only doing it with users above the age of 18. Anyone without their age on their blog will be blocked or ignored. Also I'm not comfortable roleplaying the canon characters at this time so don't ask please.

[scatterbrainedbot]

Rat Sons AU: Character Introductions

Hamato Tang Shen

(aka the love of my life)

more ramblings & doodles:

(so do yall remember how in the 03 series Tang Shen was kinda just like a passing thought with no like actual characterization besides 'is pretty' and 'dies'?? and that both the boys she grew up with fell in love with her despite being raised as siblings?

yeah we're ditching that)

meet Hamato Tang Shen, official adopted daughter of Hamato Sho (and notably his only child.) Shes an absolute mountain of a woman, buff as all get out, stubborn and quick with a comeback, and a fully trained master of ninjutsu and the mystic arts.

Despite the death of her biological father when she was five, Tang Shen's childhood was largely a happy one. Hamato Sho, being a friend of her fathers, brought her to his ancestral home in the mountains after the tragedy. Sho did his best to nurture and encourage her, in all the ways he felt his own childhood lacked— with kindness and humor, free of any burdens of destiny or namesakes.

Of course, being raised by a the snarkiest old man alive who also had a major problem with authority, Tang Shen was perhaps a bit too bullheaded a child for most of her peers growing up. She didnt mind much — the Hamato farm was home to so many loud and opinionated critters, she rarely felt lonely at all. She loved spending time with the animals, and spoke to them constantly. Especially Yoshi, the family's pet Spurred African Tortoise, who they nicknamed "Splinter" after Tang Shen made a friend at school with the same name and the confusion of it all got old. She also took to calling the tortoise Jiji, as he was even more an ancient old man than her father.

By the time Tang Shen was approaching twenty, she had settled quite happily into the life she had on the farm, content with the company of her father, their animals, and, on more days than not, Yoshi, her cute best friend (/boyfriend??).

Unfortunately, no matter how hard they tried, the Hamato family never could escape destiny for very long.

lol this is way too much for a character that is mostly ever gonna be seen in sporadic flashbacks but yall i love her sm u dont understand

did u notice its all past tense :(

[rat sons masterpost] [more Hamato family lore]

(easier to read/separated contents below the cut! (super long))

HAMATO TANG SHEN

Page 1:

Pronouns: she/her

color motif: forrest green

Born in China, moved to Japan ~age 5, moved to New York State ~age 28

Daughter of a badass mystic warrior (a Guardian?) who was a close friend of Sho

Taken in by Sho after her bio father was killed in some major important mystic conflict (Sho later formally adopted her)

She grew up on the Hamato's familial land on the outskirts of a small mountain village (Gifu Prefecture??) which Sho was partially using as a small dysfunctional farm, and partially letting become overrun by nature

This overrun area became a sort of training grounds for a young Tang Shen, where Sho taught her first basic self defense, then later all forms of ninjutsu and even the mystic arts.

When she was young, she enjoyed helping Sho raise their assortment of animals: chickens (her favorites), two pigs (Sho's favorites), an old steer, a horrible peacock (Sho's sworn enemy), and, of course, the Hamato's ancient pet African Spurred Tortoise, Yoshi

As a child, she befriended a boy, also named Yoshi, whom she immediately teased for having the same name as her family pet. They became inseparable.

She was rather ostracized by other children her age growing up, both because she was a foreigner, and because she was considered too outspoken/opinionated and known to stir up trouble when she felt something wasn't fair

Other young girls, in particular, would also bully her for her appearance, since she was taller, more muscular and broad-shouldered than most of her peers. (Sho never wanted to throw hands with eleven year olds before, but here we are)

Later on, she and Yoshi (the human, that is) fell in love

Page 2:

When she was small, Tang Shen loved learning to care for all the different types of animals living on the farm— even ones that weren't necessarily meant to be there, like the occasional rat, trying to establish a nest in a quiet corner of the barn.

Sho would help her catch any such critters she found, and they'd journey together into the woods or up the mountain to find a good place to release them, since they couldn't be allowed to stay on the farm.

(It was during one of these journeys that a newly-fathered Sho finally began to find his footing and connect to the young girl he took in. He had brought along some extra feed and an unneeded towel to give the rat a decent chance at settling in wherever they brought it to (and hopefully prevent it from finding its way back to the farm). But Tang Shen, five years old and only abstractly aware of why her life had recently changed so much, insisted there was a lot more the rat would need. She spoke of how lost and frightened it must be, having been just scooped up and taken to some place new so suddenly. Sho listened.)

Tang Shen developed a love of rats in part because of these little adventures she shared with her adoptive father.

As an adult, Tang Shen (having discussed it previously lol) was gifted a pet fancy rat by Yoshi.

She named the rat Miko and carried her everywhere.

[marvelgurl789fanfics]

Remy Lebeau (Gambit) x Child OC

(Remy Lebeau (Gambit) x Rogue)

~My Heart Part 6 to Safe~

Taken (Part 5)

Warning: angst, fighting

(Not the best at grammar or punctuation)

Summary: Gambit and the X-men go save Fiona, and Fiona’s powers become known.

Masterlist

~~~~~

Gambit was sitting on the floor of Fiona’s room in casual clothes with an added blue boa courtesy of the little girl setting up a plastic tea set, Fiona placed her purple bunny plushie in his lap that has been named Monsieur Sprinkles. Fiona wearing her favorite pink T-shirt dress with a toy princess crown. Grabbing the orange cat and white dog plushies from her bed, she sat Ginger her orange cat across the tea set from Gambit. Running to place the white dog plushie by her opened door, “He don’t get to join?” Gambit laughed as the girl sat beside him. “Sir Fluffy is Guard” Fiona said as if it was obvious, “Oh bien sûr” he said trying to hide his laugh. “What’s going on in here?” Morph snickered poking their head in the room noticing the scene as them and Logan walked by, who just shook his head in amusement. “Tea party” Fiona announced jumping to her feet excitedly, “jealous?” Gambit joked wrapping the boa around his neck and throwing it over his shoulder with a hair flip.

Gambit sat up on a cot in the med bay awaken by the memory, “Whoa Sugar careful, you fainted back there” Rogue said moving to stand by his side. “I’m alright Cher, we need to find Fiona” Gambit said getting up despite his head pounding but worry and fear fueled him. “Remy, I know you’re worried we all are, the Professor and Jean are searching through Cerebro, and Logan left trying to sniff her out.” Rogue said placing a hand to his chest. “One of old Logan’s claw thought Gambit’s heart would be less painful than this. You know Gambit’s heart belongs to you Cher, but Gambit discovered that Fiona is Gambit’s heart. It’s Gambit’s fault she was taken, I was meant to protect her.” Gambit said lifting Rogue’s gloved hand to his lips and placed a light kiss on the back of her hand. “Remy…” Rogue hummed placing her hand on his cheek now. “Logan found her! He got her scent outside some mutant holding facility, we are all gearing up to meet up with Logan. Come on” Jubilee said running into the med bay, Gambit and Rogue followed her to the blackbird.

~~~~~

Fiona sat on the floor of a small white room tucked in the corner trying to hide in the open room, the door slid open a man in a lab coat and two big guys with guns entered the room. “Welcome home F-63, you had us all very worried” the man in the lab coat said with fake worry in his voice, Fiona tucked her head into her knees pressed to her chest. “Don’t be like that, you’re not in trouble. We know those bad X-men took you away. You just gotta tell us where they are and everything can go back to normal.” The man said with mock kindness, Fiona remained quiet. “F-63 ANSWER ME!” The man getting irritated from lack of obedience from her. “Fiona” Fiona said into her knees just loud enough from the men to hear her. “Fiona? Who in the world is that?” The man asked, “Me” Fiona answered trying to curl up on herself more. “You? You think you have a name, you are nothing but a lab rat.” The man laughed, “I’ll let you in on a little secret F-63, you aren’t even a real person. We grew you in a lab with DNA we took from mutants in hope we could find a cure for those monster. No mother, no father, no siblings, you are all alone” the man said looking at her with disgust in his eyes.

“Have Papa” Fiona sniffles tears threatening to spill down her face, “papa? You got one of the X-men playing house with you? Who ever this ‘papa’ is I can guarantee they don’t care for you, they just pity you, probably relieved you’re gone.” The man laughed and at this Fiona let her tears fall. The three men left locking the door again knowing they won’t get anything out of her for now at least. “Fiona?” Fiona heard her name called by Xavier but didn’t see him anywhere as she looked around the room. “It’s ok, I’m talking to you telepathically only you can hear me. Are you alright? we’re coming to get you please just hang on a while longer” Xavier said in a voice that comforted Fiona “ok Grandpa, is papa coming?” Fiona asked with sadness in her voice, the Professor was quiet for a moment as he listened to the words of the men play in her young mind. “Fiona don’t worry I promise we all care for you deeply, your Papa’s been worried sick about you.” Xavier reassured before loosing the connection to her.

~~~~~

The flight had felt like longest flight of Gambit’s life, Rogue and Storm had to pretty much strap him down to stop his pacing. “We’ll get her back, keep focused you’ll get yourself killed if you get distracted. How would you expect us to explain to Fiona that something happened to her father?” Scott said as he flew the jet. “What I think Scott’s trying to say is don’t worry my friend every thing will be alright” Storm smiled but kinda glared at Scott for his harsh words but knew they came out of fear for the safety of the ones he called his family. The jet landed close to the coordinates Wolverine sent the team. They exited the jet they were already in the middle of combat, Wolverine was fighting armed guards his usual mercy for fighting non mutants was gone it was obvious he was out for blood. Gambit couldn’t blame him he hurled fully charged playing cards one after another at the group of guards, if it was them or his daughter his choice was easy. The world seemed to blur around him as her fought guard after guard, his normal care of not leaving permanent injuries to guards was forgotten.

~~~~~

Fiona sat in the corner of the room for what felt like hours, but loud noises of yelling and gun fire became clear outside the room. She got up from her spot on the floor and approached the door but it was still locked. A ringing beep rang through the door as it opened as the three men from before entered, the sound of fighting grow louder through the open door. “F-63 it time we leave” the man in lab coat said as one of the guards reached to grab her. Fear like never before flooded her body and her feet started running before her mind could catch up. Fiona ran faster than she ever did before getting around the men and out the door and down the hall, as she ran she noticed her body changed she now had four paws carrying her fast down the hall.

~~~~~

The X-men fought their way into building continuing to fight more guards. Taking care of what guards that tried to stop them, a shocking sight of a tiger running in the room with guards chased after it caught them off guard. “They’re kidnapping zoo animals now”Jubilee said confused but shot sparks blinding the guards. Jean heard Fiona mind clearly excited to see her papa and it took a moment to register the thoughts were coming from the tiger. “That tigers Fiona” Jean shouted to the team getting shocked looks as they took care of the remaining guards, the tiger stopped running once the guards were gone and no longer chasing her. “Mon petit that you?” Gambit asked slowing approaching the tiger not to startle it, the tiger just jumped at him knocking him over the crushing weight quickly became lighter on his chest and sounds of sodding filled his ears.

“Papa” Fiona cried holding Gambit’s jacket in a death grip. “It’s gonna be ok now, père here now” Gambit said getting to his feet once more holding his girl close to him. “Let continue this on the jet before reinforcements arrive” Logan said getting Gambit’s attention. The X-men made their way to the Blackbird, Gambit holding Fiona tight the whole time. All the x-men missed Fiona but left her to her papa for now. The whole fight home Gambit was comforting Fiona, “it’s ok Mon petit your safe now” Gambit said softly to the crying girl on his lap giving her kisses on her dark blonde hair on top on her head.

~~~~~

This part was a bit difficult for me to write. It’s easier for me to write cute fluff not sad angst.

Any suggestions or ideas welcome. Got other parts planned check out Masterlist.

I don’t know French, all French is from google translate:

Monsieur (mister)

Bien sûr (of course)

Cher (dear)

Mon petit (my little one)

Père (dad/father)

Part 7

[ratsoh-writes]

Can you give us some fun facts about your pets?

Ooooo

Ok jess, this hoe:

Jess is my baby, my darling, my sweet ugly girl. I do have cute pictures of her, but they are far and in between. This vacuum bag hairball is the most unphotogenic creature known to man. And she coughs like a 40 year old man. And she has allergies so she sneezes everywhere, and she has brilliant aim if she’s near your face

She’s black, and she loves the sun, so she likes to fry herself outside every morning. And she comes back in smelling like a mixture of ass and roadkill. And naturally this is when she wants my cuddles the most

For some reason the sound of squeaky toys gives her eargasms so hard that she screams and howls her little rat heart out at them. Rubber duckies are the bane of her existence

This rat was found behind a dumpster (literally), but middle class family life has softened that boney dog butt of hers. She can no longer tolerate the cold hard ground of fake wood floors. She knows how to sit, but will hover her butt over the ground when on hard floor. She actually sits on carpet though. And even though her food is in the tiled laundry room, she likes to grab a mouthful of kibble, walk all across the house, and bring it to the living room just to eat it on carpet. Oh and she tries to bury her treats in my room for some reason.

Now Mario: this slut:

As the only boy in the household, Mario is unapologetically my moms favorite. But to be fair, he’s a slut, but only for her. He’s a loyal boy. His favorite past times include barking at nothing, pissing on every square inch of the backyard, and biting at my moms ankles every time she walks down the hall

He must’ve failed doggy language classes or something, because when he wants attention, he doesn’t whine cutely like jess, or snort like Jake (my late beagle, love you boo), he growls. He hikes his little tiny crusty grandma dog teeth up and does his best growl. I rate it as horrifying as spam sizzling on a frying pan, so not much. (And no, these growls are purely affectionate, he’s never actually bitten anyone or been aggressive, he’s a coward lol)

When we have the freeloaders do their trick routine, he gets mad if we don’t let him go first, and if jess is doing her tricks too slow he’ll straight up body slam her away and do it for her. He’s got golden child syndrome and can’t handle not being in the spotlight

He’s super possessive of my mom, and anytime anyone touches her when she’s at her office chair, he growls and barks. Unless it’s my uncle. He’s terrified of that guy. My uncle only calls him George and so he answers to that as a second name too.

[yume4evere]

Yuuki Kuran Part 1

Personality: ~The joy of life and a pure heart~

She is the joy of living personified. She offers her dazzling smile to everyone she truly loves. Her pure heart is the source of her overflowing energ

"("She has a special smile when she sees Kaname" 

Hobbies, favorite food: ~She loves sweets and cute things~

At school, she often eats the famous "ginger menu", as sportswomen do, but she likes sweets, like all girls.

Sports: ~She loves sports! She is lively and in great shape!!~

She hates school but she loves sports!! You can admire his liveliness and flexibility in his everyday gestures.

Yuki 's bed : ~A sweet night in a cozy bed~

Her life is very hectic and because of her mission as "guardian", she doesn't sleep much. So sleeping deeply in a cozy bed, to recharge her batteries, is also part of his mission.

Yuki 's closet : ~An adorable and well-stocked wardrobe!~

Choosing and trying on clothes from her wardrobe with Sayori is also among the girls' happy moments.

The big mirror: ~Check her outfit in her big mirror~

At this age, girls are very sensitive about their clothes, their hair... So it's more than necessary for them to have this big mirror in their room,She looks at herself in her large mirror. It's time to get motivated to go to class!!

A look at Yuki 's private life :

Despite a very busy schedule, she still finds some precious moments to have fun, it's her character.

~She takes baths in the headmaster's bathroom.~

The dorm bathroom is closed early in the morning, so she has to use the manager's bathroom.

~Her most precious treasure and her friend Yori~

Her room conceals many hiding places for her little treasures... But her most precious jewel is her best friend Yori .

 All the things that make his heart beat!!

The wise Yuki likes to feel her heart ignite for someone or something.

Number 3: Scale of exaltation ♥30

~ Aido said some very daring things to him...~

Number 2:~Forbidden bites in the dance frenzy!!~

Bite into the dark as everyone prepares for the ball...when everyone is boiling and losing their minds.

Number 1: Scale of Exaltation ♥200

~When Kaname hugged her...!!~

The looks and feelings between Kaname and Sara Shirabuki , both so beautiful, were so intense that Yuki had given up on getting between them forever... when the unexpected happened and Kaname carried her to the sofa, heart had never beaten so fast!!

A few messages for Yuki:

~The testimonials of friendship from those she loves.~

From Kaname : You are always so beautiful Yuki ... Hee, hee, that's right, don't be shy. When you blush, you're even cuter. Your smile is my sunshine, never change...

From Takuma Ichijo : It's funny to see Kaname suddenly change when he sees Yuki . I love that.

From Zero Kiryu : Your height, your character,... You are an eternal child. Despite that, you still act like I'm your little brother or something. You still fascinate me so much.

From Kasumi Kageyama : Miss cross , I'm going to curse you if you still have bad results in your exams!!

From Akatsuki Kain : That's a hell of a job you're doing for school, hats off to you, you little disciplinarian.

From the director: My lovely daughter. I cooked some good things for you, why don't you eat with your little daddy?♥ 

From Hanabusa Aido : You look delicious Yuki ♥ Just kidding. Your only advantage is the taste of your blood!!

From Sayori Wakaba : I encourage you for your work as a disciplinary officer but I worry about you... You need sleep.

From Senri Shiki : What... The little girl in charge of discipline...? If I say that, the leader of the Moon Pavilion will come at me. She reminds me of this little rat that lived in my garden when I was a child.

"fanbook"

[sshbpodcast]

Character Spotlight: Odo

by Ames

The security chief of Deep Space Nine is a lot of things: a bird, a tripwire, a glass, a bag… The list goes on and on (though our favorite is usually when he’s a cute little rat), and all of them add up to a whole that is greater than the sum of his parts. In a world full of solids, Odo fills in that Outsider Character™ whose quest to shape his identity makes for a truly engaging character journey, though many stops along the way do dabble in fascism. But we love him anyway.

So kick back in your bucket and get ready to melt as your hosts at A Star to Steer Her By explore the many, many faces of Odo, even ones for which he can’t quite get the ears right. We’ve got our favorite moments and a whole bunch of times he messed up royally below and discussed this week on the podcast (jump to 1:05:53). Harumph!

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

Best moments

No one has ever seen me like this before We’ve brought up this one before in our fan-favorite Lwaxana Troi post, but it’s always worth dipping into again. Forever the tightass of the station, Odo lets himself be vulnerable with our hot Betazoid mama in “The Forsaken,” and it’s such a thing of beauty for these two polar opposite characters to show each other the hidden sides of themselves.

Do holograms dream of holographic sheep? We really liked the little hologram girl Taya in “Shadowplay” when we did our Children in Star Trek post, and apparently so does Odo! Who’d have thought that the station’s chief wallflower would have such a soft spot for kids? And then he sticks up for Taya and all of the holograms because, real or not, they still qualify as people to him.

You flatter me, sir, you flatter me! Last week, we marveled at how often Miles O’Brien gets to suffer across the series, and in “Tribunal,” Odo really does his darndest to keep the chief alive. By acting as nestor in the sham Cardassian trial, Odo at the very least slows down the inevitable enough for Sisko to reveal the corruption inherent in their awful, awful legal system. O’Brien’s lawyer sure wasn’t any help!

From one laboratory specimen to another Like he did with Taya in “Shadowplay,” Odo identifies with the Jem’Hadar child in “The Abandoned.” When he realizes that Starfleet is probably going to subject him to the same kinds of tests Odo underwent as a baby blob, he takes the kid under his wing to try to treat him more like a person. It doesn’t do much good, but at least Odo got to return him to his people.

You won’t be turning against them. They will have turned against you. We joke a lot on the podcast about how much of a fascist Odo can be. And he sure can, as you’ll see in the Worst Moments list, but he does a great job not succumbing to the draw of oppressing human rights in  “Paradise Lost.” One of our favorite Evil Admirals, James Leyton, masterminds a military coup and Odo is there to work with Sisko to stop him in his tracks!

One raktajino, extra hot, two measures of kava Before Kira starts boringly pining after that dullard Shakaar in “Crossfire,” we get treated to some sweet scenes of Odo and her going about their morning briefings. And it’s downright adorable! Every morning, Odo replicates up a mug of raktajino just how Kira likes it and prepares for his chat with the major in a way that gets things off on the right foot. Cute!

Before I met her, my world was a much smaller place We have one more great Odo-Lwaxana moment to extol. It is just the tenderest, most selfless act for Odo to marry Lwaxana to get her and her baby out from under the rule of her Tavnian husband Jeyal in “The Muse.” When Odo declares all that Lwaxana has done for him and how she changed his life, we are amazed at how honest the speech is. Here’s to the happy couple!

Hardly the words of a Klingon Odo also proves to understand Klingon culture better than other Changelings (and probably some Klingons, for that matter!) in “Apocalypse Rising.” When Martok isn’t acting at all honorably about dispatching Gowron, Odo figures out that it’s Martok who’s the Changeling and exposes him to a crowd of the most honorable Klingons on Q’onos. And Gowron. Qapla’!

Well that’s fine with me, because I hate you too How could we complete a Best Moments list without mentioning his complex relationship with Quark? Their natural opposition and trademark snark make them excellent foils for each other, and though they claim the opposite in “The Ascent,” you can tell that under their sarcastic words, they really do love each other as they keep each other alive on the freezing mountain.

Now Mister Pyramid, here comes Mister Cube Watching Odo caring for the baby goo in “The Begotten” is downright adorable, but at the same time deeply sad. Odo reveals that he doesn’t want to see the baby poked and prodded like when Mora Pol was assigned to him, and he truly empathizes with the infant Changeling in a way that is so parental and personal. It makes the ending all the more heart wrenching.

You have my gratitude… and my blessing Speaking of heart-wrenching endings. Despite how much it troubles Odo that the Vorta all view him as some kind of god, Odo opts to try to help Weyoun 6 in “Treachery, Faith, and the Great River” as much as he can. And when Odo bestows the dying Weyoun with his blessing, it comes across as a kindness between people, regardless of whether he believes it or not.

Talk about a Great Link! Though Odo’s relationship with Kira Nerys started out squicky, as you’ll see in a moment, you can’t help rooting for them. And when Odo chooses being with this solid over someone of his own kind in “Chimera,” it feels like a big win. Odo may not be able to link with Nerys, but the equivalent he whips up in the closing scene is visually stunning and emotionally cathartic.

—

Worst moments

Elementary, my dear: I obviously did it! First and foremost, Odo’s first duty is to justice and he just can’t help himself from solving a good mystery. So in “A Man Alone,” he keeps accidentally proving that he committed the murder of Ibudan all along, even though he didn’t. After all, Occam’s razor teaches us that the most obvious answer is probably that Changelings are behind it.

Taking his bucket and going home If I had a nickel for every time Odo quit his chief of security job in a huff… well I’d have two nickels but it’s still weird it happened twice. First in “Move Along Home” when Odo has a little tantrum when Primmin comes onboard and then AGAIN when Eddington comes onboard in “The Search.” Odo, I have no idea how old you actually are, but grow the hell up!

Untie my hands before you start to blame me Let’s just clump all our “Odo is a fascist” moments into this example. In “The Maquis,” Odo makes it clear that he wishes he were given unbridled power in order to keep the station safe, but of course that comes at the expense of civil rights. When he states that Terok Nor was safer under Cardassian occupation, you see just how little he initially cares for the people he’s protecting.

So happy together… except for Jadzia When Odo merges with Curzon during Jadzia’s zhian’tara in “Facets,” what we get is just an asshole who doesn’t want to reabsorb back into the symbiont, leaving Dax feeling incomplete. And while a lot of that is Curzon’s fault, Odo is a part of Curzodo, and he claims that this is how they both want it to be. He entirely fails to consider Jadzia’s personhood. What a selfish jerk.

Solids and liquids just don’t blend It’s never a good look for a guy to get personally offended when a girl doesn’t like him, but Odo shows us a master class in incel behavior in “Crossfire” when Kira’s relationship with Shakaar gets serious. Dude, she’s just not into you. There’s no reason to go ballistic in your quarters and break all our hearts by destroying the plant that Kira had gotten you as a quarters-warming gift.

You don’t even belong here. I do. Try as he might, Odo cannot undo the mistake he made that gets revealed in “Things Past” because this isn’t actually a time travel episode. The Shyamalan twist of this episode is that it was all Odo’s fault that three Bajorans had gotten executed seven years prior because the constable was too lazy to do his damn job and see that they were innocent all along.

This is what increased security looks like? 90% of the time, Odo’s infatuation with security goes above and beyond what should be reasonable. And yet, when a serial killer is murdering off Kira’s friends in “The Darkness and the Light,” he doesn’t notice when a) Furel and Lupaza sneak onto the station, b) they get blown to smithereens, and c) Kira absconds with his list of suspects. You’re losing your touch, Odo!

What’s a nice woman like you doing with a dataport? We gave Geordi stink for getting romantically involved with the woman he was investigating in “Aquiel.” We gave Julian stink for all the patients he grossly seduces. And you’d better believe we’re going to give Odo stink for banging the woman in witness protection he was supposed to be protecting in “A Simple Investigation.” Dude! Gross! That is so not okay!

Tell Kira I want her to know it was me! An alternate timeline Odo gets away with blinking out an entire society of people – the descendants of his friends, no less! – to stop Kira from getting killed. What’s even more screwed up is that our Kira would have preferred dying so this planet of living, breathing people could continue existing in “Children of Time,” but Gaian Odo could only think of how it affects him.

Solids just wouldn’t understand Odo gets tempted by the Female Changeling at the top of season six of the show, and it’s agonizing to watch him totally get suckered in by her dangling the Great Link over him all the time. In “Behind the Lines,” he’s so busy linking with her while his friends in the resistance need him that it foils their plans and gets Rom captured.

Turn her no into a yes! I rag on “His Way” a lot, and for good reason! It rewards toxic masculinity by giving Odo what he always wanted after Vic has tricked him and Kira into a date. It’s not all on Vic though! Odo valiantly refuses to get involved with Lola Crystal, but he is more than okay with wooing one that was supposed to be like the real thing! That’s not romantic, guys. That’s creepy.

Anyone can always steal a shuttlecraft! We already gave O’Brien stink for releasing feral Molly into the wild last week, and we’ll probably do it again when we get to our Keiko spotlight, but when it comes to “Time’s Orphan,” Odo’s hands are dirty too! When one of his security goons catches the O’Briens stealing a shuttle, Odo just lets them go. Where’s your sense of justice this week, constable?

— And that’s all the security footage we have this week from the station. Keep following us here as we shine the spotlight on Odo’s better half next week – the magnificent Ferengi himself: Quark! You can also keep following along with our watchthrough of Enterprise over on SoundCloud or wherever you listen to podcasts, harumph with us over on Facebook and Twitter, and watch out for rats! They might be Changelings!