#this is more a story about learning your worth and personal strengths and loving yourself than valuing knowledge as the only factor of wort

[sanguinaryrot]

not sure how dnd lore works but i want to know your take on a scholar orc

So i had an immediate reaction to this. Scholars are called Sages in the DND handbook and it is a background which leaves the class open to me. Sages are usually associated with Wizards but i think i am going to. Shake It Up a little. just a little!!

When you're fed supposed truths about yourself for long enough, you eventually begin to believe them. Urul knows he is dumb because people tell him he is. Even people he's never met. "You're just a big dumb orc, what could you possibly know about magic?" But Urul wants to know. He's been searching for truths about the universe for years now, reading what tombs he can get his hands on from the outskirts of towns and big cities and consistently praying to Aureon to grant him wisdom and intellect. He knows devotees of Aureon are usually wizards, and in most case also bureaucrats, but this doesn't stop him. But no matter how much he learns, people still call him dumb. And after he is assaulted by a group of adventurers when Urul attempts to enter the library in town for the first tome, he tearfully visits his alter, and he wishes that he would have been born human so that he wouldn't have been made so dumb. But in a vision, he is visited by Aureon. His undying dedication not only to him but the pursuit of knowledge even in the face of constant adversity over the years has impressed him, and he urges Urul to take up his mantle, to spread his divine word. To show the world an orc is just as capable as a gnome. Urul is still discriminated against, but he is strengthened by what his god told him the first time he spoke to him. "You aren't dumb. You never have been."

Send me a class and a background and i'll write a brief description of a character fitting that description :0 !!

[ceesimz]

Reverie - Part 1

Autistic Reader x Barça Femení - Part 2

Hey, I have some things to say before you start reading. ASD is a very vast spectrum, no two people with it experience the same stuff on a day-to-day basis. This story is written with my knowledge from people I know, and also from my own experiences living with autism too. So don't take this as 'the' perspective, this is a drop in the ocean and this most definitely isn't a handbook on autism. If anyone has any questions or thoughts about this, or ASD in general, you are more than welcome to message me or drop something in my inbox! This is just part one, if you like this first half of the story (because I have no idea how this will go down), let me know if you wanna see the second part, it's ready to go whenever.

Big big thanks to @copper-16 for editing it and leaving such lovely comments on it, I wouldn't have the confidence to post this if it wasn't for your words. Thank you for taking a chance on this story and opening yourself up to learn more, the world needs more people like you and we're all much better off that you're here🫶🏼🫶🏼

This is my favourite thing I've ever written, and I kinda feel like I'm giving away a piece of my heart by posting this (dramatic much), let me know what you think, hope you like it :)

“Are you ready to go in?”

Are you?

Are you ready to walk into a new setting, head held high, and show your teammates you are worth it? 

Or are you going to back out? Reverse right out the parking space, speed off to the airport, and catch a flight to god knows where?

That's simply not a possibility. Even if the thought of walking through those reception doors that stare tauntingly at you from across the car park perturbs you more than anything else, there's no backing out now.

Barcelona, the pride of Catalunya, the dominants of Europe, doesn't accept quitters. And that fact glares at you, along with all of its history and values held in the iconic badge that countless legends had adorned, and with it came a legacy you weren’t sure you had the strength to bare on your back. The new number nine, born and raised in Norway but made into the player you are now in Germany.

Here you were, after five years playing for Frankfurt, where you had grown accustomed to a comfortable routine with familiar faces and the same surroundings for so long, now in a new country that held so many unknowns. For someone with so many disadvantages ever present in their life, living in three different countries is a pretty impressive achievement.

Please, let it all be worth it.

After a few frustrating years in the Frauen-Bundesliga, you had signed for the best team in Europe and, arguably, the rest of the world too. Frankfurt had been a beautiful experience, one that had changed your life, but as a result of many, many long discussions with family and friends and psychologists, you had come to the terrifying realisation that it was time for a new challenge.

Why was that absolutely petrifying? Because you and life changes did not get along. Even after 26 years of living, it just wasn’t meant to be. But, such is life, and chances had to be taken.

You'd always be thankful for Frankfurt. Moving to play there was the first time you took such a huge leap of faith, and it had worked out well, eventually. In your eyes, the first season there was a disaster, but your mother would say it was the proudest year of her life. It had been difficult for her to see at times just how much you struggled at points, sure, but you made it to the light at the end of the tunnel and, by the end of it, you were a completely different person in the most incredible way possible. From then on, you continued to grow.

Yet, that was the thing with the German side. When you joined, they were a club with a legacy most teams would envy, but they never amounted to anything more during your time there. You fell in love with the staff, your teammates, and just about everything else during your time there. The only problem, which was pretty damn big in the grand scheme of things, was that you fell out of love with the football you were playing.

You were able to grow and survive at Frankfurt. You wanted to flourish and thrive at Barcelona.

Except, in comparison to the average human, there were a lot more obstacles ahead that could prevent you from accomplishing that aspiration. Over your life, you had overcome many bumps in the road, some leaving a harsh imprint on your self-worth and others hardly affecting you. For example, talking to the girl you were roomed with at 16 at the Norway Football Team camp had turned out to be one of the best things you could have done. Yet, in the same breath, playing for the national team had left you in a broken state, and as a result, you haven't played for them in a few years. 

The back and forth travel was too much, and opting out of playing for Norway, as much as it broke your heart that you weren’t strong enough to represent your country on the international stage, it allowed you to rest and recuperate so that you were at the top of your game for your club. Did you dream of wearing your country’s crest one day? Yes, all footballers did. But you weren’t in a place to do that, and you’re not sure you ever will be again.

Signing for Barcelona could be life-changing, but it could also be world-shattering in the worst way imaginable. This was a pretty sizable leap of faith, and the only way that faith could form into something incredible is if you made that happen. You, no one else. That thought filled you with both determination and crushing anxiety. This just could not be another failed attempt. There was no way you could come back.

Ultimately, it would have been downright psychopathic to turn down such an amazing offer from Barcelona. Two years playing for a club that's won three of the last four Champion's League finals? A team that had just completed the quadruple for the first time in their history? Yeah, nonsensical.

However, like always, there were a number of doubts that spiralled from those incredible stats. Did they need you? If they had a mostly flawless season, did they really need a 26 year old woman whose mind hardly functioned like every other person? Did they really need someone who couldn't even play for the national team anymore because they were too overwhelmed with their life? Did they need someone who needed their hand held through every life event, big or small? Did they-

“Hey, you ready?” 

That voice had some kind of magic to it. It was like clock-work, this always happened when she was around; that voice in your head consuming you with unwanted thoughts was erased as soon as you tore your eyes away from the doors and looked at the woman beside you. 

Ingrid. The one person that had single-handedly convinced you to come here. To Barcelona, playing in a hot country, with people you don’t know, speaking a language you can’t understand- oh my God, what have you done?!

“I… god, I don’t know.” You breathed out in a whisper, hardly intelligible. 

The world around you honed in on this one moment here, the peak of your career so far. Apart from Ingrid and the doors to the building and what was in store behind them, there was nothing else that could grasp your attention. There could be a blazing fire behind your car, a lion running full speed towards your car door, or a thief in the back seat for all you knew. Nothing else mattered. The two sides of your mind, the devil and angel on your shoulders were battling it out again, as they always were, whilst your hands fidgeted anxiously in your lap.

“You have to go in at some point, snuppa. You can’t stay in the car forever.” Ingrid softly reminded you, moving to take hold of your hand to comfort your stimming. “It will be a really good day, I promise. My years here so far have been the best of my life, everyone is so nice and welcoming. I never thought I could enjoy training as much as I do now. You will be fine, I have no doubts.”

“I’m not sure about that one.” You laughed nervously, eyes back on the building before you, now slightly glazed over and blurred. 

“I am certain about everything I just said.” Ingrid stated definitively, squeezing your hand. “Plus, not everyone in there are complete strangers. You have me, Mapi, you know Caro and you’ve met Jonatan and some other staff members. You know Loren, the team psychologist who you can go see any time you want. We’ll get you past this part of today, and then you have the whole afternoon to do whatever you’d like.”

You nodded at her words, desperately trying to remind yourself of them over and over so that they stick, and you can get through those damn doors. 

“You know how much easier my life would be if I knew how everything was going to play out?” You blurted out a moment later, Ingrid smiling in amusement. “It would be a breeze, Ingrid.”

“It would also make your life very boring, min skatt.”

“For you, it would be. For me, I'd live freely.”

Ingrid just laughed and shook her head, squeezing your hand once more before looking at the time on her watch.

“Come on. We have to do this one way or another, and I'm not letting you go in on your own. You want to make me late to training?” She teased, targeting your weak spot. Evil.

“That's cruel, Ingrid. So cruel.” You rolled your eyes but nevertheless stepped out of the car once you'd turned it off.

You didn't make it far though. Once you had gotten your kit bag from the boot of the car, you closed it and froze. Eyes unmoving from the daunting building in front of you.

“Would you like some company after training? We can stay at home, or go out for food, or do anything you'd like.” Ingrid offered, snapping you out of your anxious trance.

Even after… god, ten years now, you were still sometimes left dumb-founded by how well Ingrid knew you. A lot of the time, you yourself are in the dark about what you need, but your fellow Norwegian just gets it, even when you don't. It's pretty safe to say that your life, your whole career, would look a hell of a lot different if you had never met Ingrid.

If you put her characteristics into a different section when it comes to your favourite things about her, the thing you love most about the defender beside you is how she treats you. Sure, the majority of people treated you with respect and kindness, but the defender's love and care was on a whole other level. Like in this scenario now, when she knows you're too overwhelmed by the situation that confronts you to be able to think clearly. But here she is, giving you clear and thought-out options that off-kilt the tunnel vision you have on this one miniscule event, and now gives you something to look forward to. 

It reminds you that the world won't end if this training session doesn't go how you want it to, that life goes on afterwards. It makes the road clearer, the journey easier, and allows solace to be found in a down-right terrifying moment.

The funny thing is, however, is that your new home is actually Ingrid's home. No, you weren't living with her, but you were indeed staying in her apartment. She basically lived at Mapi's apartment anyway, so the second she caught wind of your transfer, she immediately offered her disregarded apartment up to you. It was a huge item checked off the ‘things that need doing after uprooting your entire settled, content, perfectly routine life’ to-do list, but you couldn't quite relish in the relief yet.

That's because, though it went unsaid, another factor of Ingrid's offer of letting you stay was so that, if all went wrong and you couldn't make a life for yourself in Barcelona, there was no tenancy to rip up and ultimately it would be a lot less hassle than if you had rented an entirely new place. Ingrid's excuse of not changing your name on the tenancy for now was so that you could settle in with as little stress as possible, but you knew the underlying meaning. Basically, it was a giant get out of jail free card.

“I think I would like that a lot, actually. Thanks.” You said to the taller girl next to you, whose arm had come to wrap around your shoulders.

“Perfect! María has some things to do but I'm free all afternoon, so we can figure something out. For now though, we have to train.” 

Taking in a deep breath, you nodded once more.

“That's all it is. Just training.” You told yourself, physically shaking the anxiety off of your chest and marching forwards. You got as far as those damn doors before you froze on the spot again. “Fuck, this is so scary.”

“I know it is.” Ingrid sympathised, rubbing a hand up and down your back. “We've got this though. It's just training, right?” 

“It's just training. And a few introductions. And about a million new people.” You sighed. “Will you stick with me the whole time?”

“Like glue, søster.” Ingrid said firmly, placing a kiss on your forehead. “Let's go.”

And just like that, you did walk into the building with your head held high, disregarding the burdening nerves and replacing them with a deep-rooted determination to prove you are worth it. Maybe your teammates would think otherwise if they knew the secret you were keeping from them, but for now, you would put up a front and act just like them. Your best bet at succeeding here is to fit in, and that's what you'll do. 

Ingrid wasn't impressed with this tactic of yours, not in the slightest. Jonatan and other senior staff members knew about you, Loren the psychologist knew about you, and Mapi knew. Besides that, everyone else was in the dark. There was only so long Ingrid could last before she had to tell someone at least, like Alexia or Irene or Marta, because she wanted the best for you and the best couldn't be given if your needs weren't catered for.

Like now, as she watched your whole face change in a split second as the mask came down so fast that, had she blinked a second later, she would have missed it entirely. The tension to the way you held your shoulders was all the evidence she needed that your whole nervous system was wracked with dread, and though she should expect it by now, it didn't stop the jab of sympathy she felt for you.

Of course she knew how difficult this would be for you, she just had really high hopes. Sometimes, even after all these years, it slipped her mind how much you still struggled with things. You'd gotten a lot better at dealing with various different circumstances and that mere fact could bring tears to her eyes if she thought about how far you had come, but moments like these were a snap back to the reality you still lived.

You lived so beautifully, you were so strong now, that your struggles were hardly visible anymore. Yet, when one knows a person for so long, they come to learn the signs. Ingrid knew you like the back of her hand. It still amazed her how quick you put the mask back up, normally being so care-free and light around her. But here, outside of the room everyone was due to meet in for the morning, a feigned smile on your face and a falsity to your posture signified all that Ingrid needed to know.

Even despite your dawdling in the car park, you and Ingrid were some of the first to arrive at the meeting, only a handful of unfamiliar faces scattered around the room. Jonatan looked up at the door upon your arrival and his face lit up, immediately dropping what he was doing to come and greet you with a beaming smile. He offers a gentle handshake, also being sure to speak in clear English so that your mind wasn’t overloaded more than it already was. All of it was reassuring, especially as he kept you off to the side as the room slowly began to fill up, before guiding you to the last chair on the front row beside Ingrid so that the meeting could start. Thankfully, to your relief, he gave you a short introduction to the rest of the squad, you only briefly turning and giving the room a general wave before allowing Jonatan to move onto more pressing matters.

From then on, you were rushed off your feet with introductions and training, all of which weren’t half as bad as you’d expected. During the short walk from the meeting to the changing room, a few others came along to properly greet you, all whilst Ingrid stayed close to your side. Mapi had also come bounding along after you the second you left the first room, Ingrid wincing at the excitement her girlfriend met you with but instantly that worry was erased as soon as you turned to Mapi with a matching overjoyed smile. 

By the time you actually got onto the pitch, you had spoken to almost all of the team already. And like Ingrid said, they were just as amazing as you had hoped they would be. Every single one, in their own ways, welcomed you to the team and made small talk with you for a few moments before letting whoever next came by to have their own chance at greeting you. But, it wasn’t until you were about to join in with the warm-up that the person you’d been most nervous about meeting came along.

Your new captain, Alexia. The powerhouse of the Barcelona team, the one you had to leave the best impression on.

A few days prior, amidst a conversation in the corner of Ingrid’s favourite cafe, you had sheepishly demanded that she give you a run-down of each and every single member of the team. There had been Ona, who Ingrid described as a lightning fast defender whose jestful clapbacks were even quicker than her sprint bursts on the pitch. Then Cata, the new number one goalkeeper whose cheek was sometimes too much for even the younger members of the team. Jana, a surefire future talent who was often found beside her quieter, more reserved but equally talented counterpart, Bruna. Patri and Pina were much the same, as were Vicky and Salma. Ingrid gave you a short but detailed profile of all of them, leaving the most important for last. Alexia, who initially came across as slightly cold due to the stoic, focused expression she usually wore. But, to her teammates and those closest to her, she was a world class leader, an even better player, and most importantly, a defiantly caring person with a personality that had more sides than a kaleidoscope. 

Upon hearing the exit door slamming shut, you turned your attention to the direction of the sound, only to be met with her. Casually strolling over, squinting in the face of the sun, she came over to you with a… a smile on her face?

“Hola! You must be the novota, nice to meet you.” She beamed, inviting you into a quick, polite hug before standing back. “Happy to be here?”

As always with new people, especially someone like the woman before you, you floundered internally for a moment, so many replies flitting around your mind with so little time to react.

“Y-yeah! Really happy to be here, thank you, Alexia.” You landed on, and judging by her reaction, it was the right thing to say. 

“Good, I am glad to hear that. Sorry I was not here for the meeting, you’ve met everybody already, sí?”

“Yes, Jonatan introduced me in the briefing.” 

“Good. Bueno, let’s get started. I am excited to be working with you.” The Spaniard smiled brightly once more, before gesturing loosely for the pair of you to join the rest of the group.

The rest of the day, as they say, is history.

It honestly went by in a blur, and if Ingrid was at all surprised by the way you literally fell into your bed when you arrived home, not surfacing from the newfound safe haven until about an hour later, she didn’t show it. This was Ingrid after all, and every quirk of yours, new or old, still brought a smile to her face. Ten years later and she couldn’t help but love you more each time she saw you.

—

The first week goes a lot smoother than you could have dreamed of to be honest - it’s only the start of preseason after all. But, there is still plenty of time for cracks to show. It only takes two days for all your progress to tear at the seams.

On the first day of your second week, you’re walking into training on your own for the first time since you joined. Shouldn’t be a big deal, right? Wrong! Big fucking deal actually, because now it’s like walking blind, heading straight for what feels like danger. Unguided, no one by your side, only joined by the weight of an elephant seated right on your heart.

With the help of Ingrid of course, who else, you had established somewhat of a routine that made the transition so much easier. But it wasn’t quite clear until now, just how much easier it had made showing up to training everyday. Because, without your Norwegian counterpart who would be absent from training, you were left to show up all alone, and suddenly everything became ten times harder. 

Ingrid was more than just your friend, she was the one constant in this new life you lived that was always present. Anything you needed, one glance from you in her direction and she’d be with you in an instant. She, as stupid as it may seem, was the foundation of your routine, and now that she wasn’t here, all the hard work you’d made to settle in seemed to crumble under your feet. 

Three weeks of living in Barcelona, one week of training successfully completed, just for you to end up back at square one. And that meant you were trapped in your own body, limbs acting entirely on autopilot as your legs carried you over to those stupid doors that once again stood intimidatingly in front of you. Just like last week, except this time there was no one to coax you out of your shell, no one to mindlessly guide you over to one of the tables in the canteen, no one to walk you out onto the training pitch. You were all alone.

An unfortunate tactic hadn’t left your habits after all these years: avoidance. What better way to deal with something, then to not deal with it all, right? Right? 

Obviously, you couldn’t miss the whole day, you still had commitments and expectations you needed to live up to. If there was one thing that you couldn’t handle (apart from almost everything in this neurotypical world) it was letting people down, disappointing them.

So, if you opted out of breakfast for the day and beelined straight for the changing rooms instead, what business was it to anyone else? You were here, that’s all they could ask for. The plan was to get dressed into your training kit as fast as physically possible, before heading out onto the pitch for some time alone before everyone else came along. 

…Except, just as you were lacing up your boots, hand trembling at an embarrassing intensity as you did so, the door opened prematurely. And, really, out of everyone, did it have to be her?

“Oh. I did not expect anyone to be in here. Bon dia.” Alexia smiled at you, heading to her cubby just a few seats away from yours.

“Bon dia.” You muttered sheepishly, keeping your head down and tying your laces at a wildly uncontrolled speed. If Alexia noticed, she didn’t mention it. Thank god.

“I was just going to get some extra practice in, if you wanted to join me.” She offered, swapping her trainers for her boots since she was already in her training gear.

Great minds think alike..?

“Yeah, I was going to do the same thing. Thanks.”

“Ay, it's nothing. It's great that you're so hard working, you’re already fitting right in.” Sorry, could you say that again, or write it down even? “Ready?”

“What? Oh- sorry, yes, I’m ready.” You gave her a tight-lipped smile before slipping past where she stood in the doorway and heading towards the pitch.

“How are you feeling about your time here so far?” The captain asked kindly, the beating sound of boots clicking against the floor echoing far too long in your ears.

“Um, good. It’s an honour playing for this team, so.” You shrugged, offering an almost robotic, rehearsed answer.

“And what about how you actually feel? Not what you’re supposed to feel?” Alexia inquired lightly, an earnest and sympathetic look across her face. Slightly suspicious.

“Well… still good. It’s just different, isn’t it. Yeah.” You mumbled, cheeks flushing bright red as you crossed your arms tightly over your chest.

“Of course it is different. You were in Germany for five years, right?” You nodded affirmatively. “So it is a big, big change. I haven’t been anywhere else but here for twelve years, I cannot imagine adjusting to anywhere else.”

Oh, Ingrid. Seriously?

“I’m here though, I have to leave Germany behind.” You stated in a flat voice, honestly quite done with this topic but it’d be rude to voice so.

“If that is how you want to think, then do it like that. You have transitioned very well, we are all impressed.” Alexia shrugged with a soft smile, punching in the code for the storage cupboard and opening it soon after. “Grab the footballs, I will get some tiny goals. The others can get the rest when they’re done filling their faces.”

Thank god for that.

Alexia ended that conversation there, directing her focus on training from that moment on, much to your relief. All that you learnt from this day was that you needed to have a conversation with Ingrid. Your sixth sense was strong, even if to others it seemed like Alexia was just being an averagely kind person, you just knew. 

The good thing was, you couldn’t quite call that day a disaster. In the end, you got through it, even squeezing in a few jokes and laughs here and there throughout the day.

It’s the next day that the first incident occurred. It happened like this; Ingrid isn’t in again, you learn she’s got some kind of stomach virus, so you turn up once more on your own. This time, it wasn’t quite so scary, but like yesterday you skipped breakfast again. And just like yesterday, Alexia met you in the changing rooms to do some early practice again. Except, there was one fatal flaw to your routine this day. It came back and bit you in the ass pretty harshly.

“Ale, what are you doing after this?” Mapi wondered from your right as she stood up after Jona had ended training for the day.

“Eh, nothing.” She shrugged, going to ask you the same thing as she reached her hands out to help you up.

For all you knew, the Spanish pair you were sandwiched between could be speaking absolute gibberish, nothing was registering. As soon as you stood up, everything went hazy. And then… your vision had gone, your body felt unbelievably heavy, and had it not been for Alexia’s tight grip, you’d have fallen back there and then.

“Hey!” Alexia called out in concern, feeling you go limp in her hold. “Mapi, she’s fainting!”

“What!?” Mapi cried, immediately falling to her knees as Alexia safely guided you to the floor.

“I don’t know, she just collapsed!” 

Her voice dripped with worry as Mapi frantically looked around, only to find most people had headed inside already. Meanwhile, you were still awake, not totally out cold, but your eyes ached unbearably and you’d lost all control of your movements. Alexia’s hands flitted over your body, looking for any obvious problems but she couldn’t find any. She repeated your name over and over, only receiving somewhat of a whimper in reply.

“Mapi, go find someone, now!” Alexia demanded, the defender instantly rising to her feet and heading for the door. The captain turned back to you, her hands gently coming up to cradle your face where you lay on your side. “Hey, I need you to listen! Can you hear me?”

“Mhm.” You whined, providing the woman before you with an ounce of relief.

“What’s wrong? You need to tell me so we can help you, cariño, you just fainted on us.” She said frantically, her wide eyes boring into yours when you opened them.

Identifying the problem, even in your state, was quite simple. It was a common problem, something you were well versed with, though you rarely ever let it get this bad.

“Forgot to eat.” You mustered up your remaining strength, which really was very little, to answer her and quell her worries.

Thinking back to this moment in probably an hour’s time, you’d laugh at Alexia’s face when you said those three words, because she looked utterly perplexed.

“You forgot to eat?” Alexia repeated with a frown, but she couldn’t dwell on it much longer because Mapi came running over with the medical team hot on her tails.

“Is she awake?” The brunette woman asked desperately, opting out of kneeling back beside you so as to not overcrowd you.

“Yes, and she said she forgot to eat today?” Alexia looked up at her friend, refusing to shift out of the way and instead choosing to stick by your side. 

“Oh, that would explain it.” Mapi sighed in relief, only puzzling Alexia more. Was this… normal for you?

The medics fussed over you, asking you questions and ultimately overwhelming you way too much, something Mapi notices quickly.

“Oye, basta, slow down. Her blood sugar is low, she needs something quickly. Get her an energy gel.” Mapi commanded them, now joining you by your head and smiling her bright smile down at you, combing back some of your hair. “Hola preciosa, we'll get you back feeling better soon.” Just as she said that, a member of the medical staff pulled out one of the energy gels the team used for games. “Can you have this for me? It will make you feel better, I promise.”

With a nod, the people around you helped you to sit up as Mapi tore  open the gel packet, with Alexia still almost frozen in confusion. The defender noticed, grinning in amusement and quickly flicking her ear to bring her back down to earth.

“Ah! What's that for?” Alexia winced, watching on as Mapi shook her head and handed you the gel pack.

Your hand trembled as you raised it to your mouth, hardly possessing the strength to squeeze it enough to get anything out of it, but just as Mapi went to help you, Alexia got there first.

“It’s okay, here.” She does it for you, one hand on the packet and the other on your elbow that shakes under her hold. She seemed to be grounded now, knowing that it isn't the right moment to be wrapped up in her own thoughts when you're here in front of her, needing security and comfort whilst it takes a couple minutes to come back to yourself. “Easy with it. You'll feel better soon.”

And you did, literally no less than two minutes after having the energy gel, your nausea and dizziness and whatnot near enough disappeared. Though, your physical symptoms gave way for a barrage of anxiety, because this situation would consequently lead to an unwanted and challenging (but most likely necessary) conversation with Jonatan and the rest of the staff. They had also seen you, on the floor, near enough passed out, as a result of your own actions. You could only imagine the things they were thinking right now, and that unknown was scarier than the actual situation that had occurred beforehand.

“Feeling good now. Thanks everyone.” You said shyly, rising to your feet and avoiding everyone's gaze.

“You sure?” Alexia checked, giving you a look that tells you that you shouldn't even try to bullshit her.

“Well, a little bit… woozy, I guess. But much better than before, I swear.” You nodded, hating the feeling of everyone’s eyes on you. 

“Let’s go inside, I’ll ask the catering staff to make up some food for you, if you want?” Mapi offered as her hand hovers against your back, not touching but guiding you back inside the main building.

“Okay.” You shrugged.

Meanwhile Alexia trailed behind, trying to figure out how, as captain, she could help this situation. It’s in her best interest to care for her team, and given what she had learnt, it was now clear that there was a lot more she could do than sit back and watch. She didn’t want to come across as overbearing, something Ingrid had warned her about, but she realised it was time to step in.

“Why don’t we go to one of the office rooms rather than the canteen?” She suggested just as Mapi went to open the door heading into said room. The defender should have thought of that sooner, but she’s glad her friend mentioned it, realising it’s most definitely the better option right now for you. 

You were taken to an empty office, followed into the room by Alexia and Mapi and some of the physios, and if they weren’t overcrowding you outside, they definitely were now. In all honesty, as much as you were grateful for their care, you wanted to burrow under your duvet in bed at home and not surface for probably about a week. You wanted to grab a tray of cookies, eat them whilst seated on the edge of your bed so you didn’t get crumbs everywhere, and crawl under the sheets safe in the darkness of the four walls you had struggled to leave the past two days.

But no, you were here, stuck in a reality that in no way felt real at all. What were you doing here? Sat at a round table, surrounded by medical staff chatting between themselves, not really bothered about your blip anymore, whilst two of Spain’s greatest players stand off to the side, both pairs of eyes trained solely on you.

You, a no-name off the back of an unsuccessful run in Germany that had just collapsed after training. Them, Champion’s League winners and well-established in the sport for years already, and decades to come.

“Preciosa?” Mapi appeared beside you suddenly, speaking softly as her hand fell on your shoulder. “Is it okay if I leave now? Ingrid is still sick at home, I promised I would get back to her as fast as I could. If you need me to stay, I can. They won’t keep you here for much longer, they’re just making sure you eat before you get back home.”

She should be with Ingrid, her girlfriend who is much worse off at home. Not with you, who simply made a foolish mistake and was now wasting everyone’s time.

“Go home.” You told her as your own hands squeezed anxiously at your upper arms where they sat crossed on the table.

“Okay.” Mapi smiled pitifully down at you, giving you a light forehead kiss before backing off. She pulled Alexia to the side, giving her a warning glare. “Look after her, for me and for Ingrid. Protect her, too. Don’t let them overwhelm her, she just wants to get home.”

“Sí. Of course.” Alexia replied firmly, a solid look in her eyes that Mapi knew to trust immediately. 

The defender slipped out of the room with no further fuss, leaving you alone with Alexia and the medical staff. Not for long, though.

“Guys, could you give us a moment? And can someone go collect her food from the canteen, please.” 

They nodded and stepped out of the room, Alexia closing the door softly behind them. She turned back to you, watching as you kept your head down and focused on the shapes you traced on the wood of the table. Your shoulders were visibly tense, so uptight they’re basically touching your ears, and she noticed just how intensely your leg was bouncing up and down.

“Do you need anyth-”

“Did Ingrid tell you?” You asked bluntly, gulping back the lump in your throat that really had no place making itself known at this moment - now was not the time for a meltdown. Save it for later, in the safety of your flat.

Alexia blew out a breath, coming over to perch on the edge of the desk a few seats away from you.

“If you’re talking about what I think you are, then… yes. She did tell me.” She answered cautiously, trying to gauge your reaction but you didn’t give her much, just a single nod. “She did it with the best intentions though. It wasn’t to… purposely go behind your back. She just wants the best for you, and the more people that know, the more support you can have here.”

“I guess.” You murmured under your breath, clearing your throat after and moving to rest your chin atop your arms.

“Why… why didn’t you want anybody to know?” The midfielder wondered in a soft tone, trying hard not to scare you off or go over the top. If she wants to help you and understand you, which she desperately does, this is the pathway she has to, albeit reluctantly, go down.

“Wanted people to get to know me, not a label.” You frowned, hastily wiping the tear that slips out with the frustration slowly bubbling inside of you. “Didn’t want to be a problem for anyone. Wanted to fit in.”

Just like that, it all clicked for Alexia.

The feigned smiles, sometimes forced laughter, the troubled look on your face whenever you thought you were alone, all of it adds up. You had repressed parts of you so that things went as smooth sailing as possible, so that people didn’t think any differently of you or immediately feel drawn away like they often did. The biggest part of you, what makes you you, is the one thing you didn’t want people to see, out of nothing but complete and all-consuming fear. And Alexia would be damned if she let you go on like this.

“Can I take a seat next to you?” She said quietly, a hint of a smile on her face when you nodded again. She did exactly that; without making too much noise in the still room, she pulled up the chair next to you and sat down, her eyes raking up and down your face.

“If I told you that I don’t think any differently of you at all, would you believe me?” She began with. 

You just shrugged dismissively, not having moved a single muscle in the past few minutes apart from breathing and blinking. If you don’t move, if you don’t draw attention to yourself, perhaps this whole thing will disappear. A girl can dream.

“Because I don’t, cariño. I really don’t. You are not a problem for any of us at all. You face different struggles than us, but nobody thinks of you as anything less than a great player and an even better person. We are all glad you are here. I and others on the team will face different struggles than you, and I can bet you would never think any differently of us. Am I right?” 

Her words break through the defensive wall you’d put up to protect yourself from anything else around you. A common feature of the start of your meltdowns, except it’s quite possible that your captain had just stopped it from going any further.

Hesitantly, you sat up from your slouched position and wiped tiredly at your face.

“No, I would never.” You told her, slumping back against your chair and fiddling with the drawstring on your shorts.

“Exactly. You don’t need to worry about any of that at all, I promise. You are one of us now. A culer. We will take care of you.” She smiled brightly, you can hear it in her voice. So for the first time since you’d entered the room, you turned to look at her, only to find her eyes were filled with earnesty and kindness. And… perhaps for the first time since you’d arrived in Barcelona, you truly did feel like you belong here. Like you could make a life for yourself here, against all odds.

“Thanks.” You sniffled, feeling the remnants of your outburst fade away, only to leave overwhelming exhaustion in its wake.

“It’s okay. You can come to me anytime for anything. There will always be someone here for you to talk to, and I’ll be the first to fight for you if that’s ever necessary.” Now, you were actually smiling. A genuine one, too.

“I think Ingrid might beat you to it, actually.” You teased her, watching as she grins.

“You’re probably right.” She chuckled, before pausing. You already knew what she was about to say before she opened her mouth. Neurotypicals are just way too predictable. “How did you know Ingrid told me?”

“You can just tell when someone knows. They treat you differently.” Alexia frowned anxiously at that.

“I didn’t… did I treat you differently?” She questioned, along with a poor attempt at disguising the undertones of fear in her voice.

“You haven’t, not really, but… I don’t know, I can just tell instantly. It’s hard to explain. You haven’t treated me differently, but I could tell you knew compared to when you didn’t know. The look on your face too. But thank you for… just everything so far. You have helped a lot, so.” You shrugged. She smiled, a little in relief, but nodded nevertheless.

“You don’t need to thank me. Now, can I ask some more about what happened today? You said you forgot to eat?” 

“Yeah. It’s just because my routine was messed up, that’s all. Yesterday morning I ate before training because Ingrid had baked me some pastries, but today I had none left and then genuinely forgot. It happens sometimes, it’s just part of it.”

“Part of what?”

“Autism.” Duh.

“Oh. I did not know that.” Alexia stated simply. 

“Yeah, well, most people don’t.” You told her. Alexia nodded understandingly, a plan of action already formed in her mind.

“I’m sure you already know this, as an athlete, but it’s important for your safety that this doesn’t happen again. So I have a solution in mind that could help.” You hummed to tell her to continue. “I can ask either the catering staff here, or find a private chef, to start meal prepping for you. We can organise it on the club’s behalf so that you don’t have to pay anything. I will go with you, or for you if you’d like, to Jonatan and help sort it out for you. You can meet with a nutritionist to figure out what food you need and tell them what you do and don’t like, we can sort it all out for you. It wouldn’t be a problem.” 

Oh. You’d never thought about that before. 

“I guess that could work.” You decided after a few moments of consideration. 

That would actually be a really helpful solution. Certainly one less thing to worry about, and it could add a secure layer to your routine. An important one too.

“Would you be okay with that?” Alexia wondered, smiling when you nodded. “Good. Leave it to me, I will get it sorted for you.” 

She paused again, clearly hesitant about something. You raised an eyebrow at her, trying to coax it out of her with a look, but you couldn’t help the amused smile on your face at the sudden, faint blush that landed on her cheeks.

“What is it?” 

“Uh… there is no way to ask this without coming across as… very forward, to say the least.” She started, shaking her head at her own ridiculousness. “May I get your number? For captain’s reasons, of course.”

“Right.” You smirked, watching as she shakes her head, this time at your teasing, and grabs a pen from the stationary pot in the centre of the table. “And what shall I write it on?”

“Well… just use my hand, I guess.” She suggested, offering the back of her hand out for you. You grinned and gently took hold of it, jotting down your number for her. 

“There you go, Capi.” You smiled, clicking the pen and putting it back.

Not long after that, one of the staff members came in with the food Alexia and Mapi had organised for you. So, leaving your captain with a promise that you'll eat it the second you walked through your apartment door, you went home. It was a great meal, and if it'd be the catering staff at Barcelona that would do your meal prep, well, it'd be a great deal.

That night went just like the others; you relaxed for some time to decompress after training, until you eventually started feeling somewhat human again, and arose from bed to do one of any of your hobbies that you felt like doing that night. Reading, watching movies, drawing and painting, listening to music, or any others that pique your interest that night. 

On some occasions, you'll be so mentally exhausted from your day that none of them seem at all appealing, and it takes a lengthy period of time to feel yourself again. An hour, the rest of the evening, or sometimes even the whole week. After especially hard times, it could take weeks. Fortunately you hadn't been through such events in years, but the fear of falling into that hole ever again was always present in the back of your mind.

The thing about having this disorder is that some things never change. Most things never change. You learn to cope, you can heal from past experiences, but in the grand scheme of it all, things never change. Certain events, people, even words can still be triggers. No amount of therapy or coping mechanisms or whatever, can help. You were born this way, and you would die this way. 

You would live a life and still struggle with even the most mundane things. Washing dishes was a no-go, the sensory issues were way too intense for that one. A day without showering first thing in the morning was automatically a write off. Bad performances in matches could still lead to a meltdown on certain days. One wrong look from someone can send you spiralling.

Autism was a blessing and a curse. It made you who you are; you have no idea who you would be without it. Yet, at the same time, it could debilitate you to such extreme degrees that… at night, when you were alone under the disguise of darkness,  you can't help but wonder what you could have done with your life had you not been born with this burden.

And with the day you'd had already, well, the only way you'd learnt to get over these things were to move on from them. That's what you had to do. If you become too concentrated on them, analysed every detail that went wrong, thought about every opinion those who witnessed it could hold, you'd suffer for it more than you needed to.

You couldn't move on if others couldn't move on though.

Unknown: Did you get home safe?

There was most likely only one person it could be, but where's the fun in that?

You: Depends who I'm talking to…

Alexia: It's Alexia??

Too easy.

You: I knew it was you, dumbass. Yes I got home safe, thank you. Food was great too :)

Although, when a few minutes went by after that last text, the doubts came flooding in. Did you take it too far with her? It was a bit ballsy to say that, she's just checking in on you. Captain duties.

Then again, who was it calling you?

“Hello?” You frowned, and this was another instance where you're cursing yourself, because why was your heart racing and cheeks burning at one random phone call?

“Dumbass, huh?” Came a smug voice, and then your heart was racing for another, more light-hearted reason.

“Yeah, sorry about that… apparently I'm a bit of a keyboard warrior.” You blushed sheepishly, relieved beyond belief when the woman down the line laughed.

“Don't worry about it. You're feeling okay now, sí?” 

“Yes, fine. You know, I didn't plan for today to happen. It just did.” You mumbled, still embarrassed by it all.

“I know, no one blames you for it. I just wanted to check in with you.” 

“I'm good, thanks. I've only ever had that happen like once before, I guess training on an empty stomach isn't the greatest idea in the world.” You joked lightly, Alexia humming in agreement.

“How does it happen? You said your routine was messed up, how did that lead to you forgetting?”

“It's a long story.” You sighed, but Alexia doesn't care.

“I have a free evening.” She said simply. This woman.

“Well… every training session so far, Ingrid has met me in the morning at my apartment beforehand so we can travel in together. She normally checks in with me, asks how I'm feeling and if I've eaten and whatnot. But she was ill, which I obviously don't blame her for, by the way. So not having her with me these past two days has terrified me quite a bit. She's basically the thing that holds my whole morning routine together. I guess, because she wasn't there, everything just flew out the window.” You explained, but things still weren't quite adding up in Alexia’s mind.

“So how does that relate to you forgetting to eat? Do you not get hungry?”

“Not like normal people do. One of the things with autism is that… we're not really in tune with our bodies? Like, I don't often get hungry or thirsty, I have to force myself to remember to eat and drink. And when I don't, I only realise I haven't done either of the two when I start feeling ill, like today. But food and drink feel like a chore, which is another reason I forget too. It's different when it comes to football though, being an athlete has taught me to be in tune with my body in terms of injuries, but not for anything else. It's weird.” 

“Wow, I never knew that before. That's interesting.” She commented. She's got a lot to learn.

“I prefer… inconvenient.” You said with a shy smile, glad to hear Alexia chuckle at that.

Unexpectedly, for quite some time after that, the pair of you just… talked. A lot. Like, for an hour. About everything - from what pastries Ingrid baked you, to a few more facts about yourself and your ASD, and everything in between. 

It's unnervingly natural. Fun too, but also a little odd. Is she doing it out of pity, or..?

“I almost forgot the other reason I called you.” She said out of nowhere, the smile on her face audible once again. “We have our pre-season dinner this Friday, the whole team is going. You should come.”

A dinner? At a restaurant? Oh god.

“Oh, I… it sounds good, but I don’t know, I-”

“Hey, why not?” She questioned gently.

“Just, they’re not really my scene.”

In a split second, Alexia attempted to think back on all she knew about anxiety to combine it with the very little information she knew about autism, hoping the two overlapped somewhat. Luckily for her, they do.

“The club rents out the restaurant so it’ll just be the team and a few senior staff members. It shouldn’t be too loud. It’s more like a celebratory dinner before the season starts, so there's no partying or anything like that at all. I really hope you come, but I understand if not. There’s no pressure.”

Damn you, Alexia.

“Okay. Okay, I'll go.”

—

Normal order resumed for the rest of the week; Ingrid recovered from her short 48-hour bug and returned to training like she hadn't even had a day off. Her being back also meant your mind was a hell of a lot more at ease, even if Alexia had offered to see you every morning. 

There was one other thing you were blessed with: obliviousness. Because, during the car ride to training the day after your phone call with the captain, the smirk that Mapi greeted you with in the rearview mirror after you tell her what happened once she headed home, is definitely not confusing at all. Definitely not.

That smirk made a comeback far sooner than you'd like. 

“Say that again?” Mapi asked with a squint to her eyes, forcing down the laughter she so desperately wants to let out.

“Alexia is driving me to the team dinner.” You repeated the sentence you'd just said for her, looking to Ingrid for help. “Ingrid, tell her to behave please.”

“María, come on. Alexia is just doing her a favour, you know she's not a fan of driving.” Ingrid said whilst nudging her girlfriend, though secretly she's hiding some intense excitement levels under her very good poker-face.

“Exactly! Screw you, Mapi.” You sighed dramatically, turning back to the mirror as you put your earrings in.

“So you're sure you don't need us to drive you there?” Mapi asked suspiciously, and there was that stupid smirk again. 

“Ugh, yes! I am making friends, you should be happy!” You groaned, fixing the shorter defender with a dagger-like glare in the reflection.

“More than fr-”

“Okay! Are you ready, snuppa? When is Alexia coming?” Ingrid interjected, discreetly stomping on her girlfriend's foot.

“She's on her way, she'll be here any minute now.” You answered after checking your phone. “You know, I can't rely on you guys forever like you're my parents or something. I love you, but I don't love you that much. And I'm sure you feel the same.”

“No!” Ingrid cried out in a way that's entirely too theatrical. She came over to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I do love you that much, it's María you need to worry about.”

“I do worry about her sometimes. You should too, Ingrid.” You murmured, Ingrid humming in agreement as you watched her Spanish counterpart… busy herself in your fridge?

“María, out of there! We are literally going for dinner right now!”

“Ingrid, princesa, you need to work on your English- we're not at dinner ‘right now’, that is why I am in the fridge.” 

“Guys! Alexia is here, let's go. I'll see you at the restaurant.” You kissed Ingrid’s cheek and flicked Mapi’s forehead as you ushered them out the door, locking it behind you and making your way down to the ground floor.

Alexia was there, waiting for you whilst leaning against her car, and a smile tugged at her lips the second she saw you. You heard some commotion behind you, most likely Mapi being scolded by Ingrid, but you shut it out as you headed over to the midfielder, fighting back a ridiculously cheesy grin.

She greeted you the same way she did on the first day she met you - enveloping you in a warm hug that really shouldn’t be as comforting as it was. Not a big deal. Regardless, you both clambered into the car and made your way to the restaurant.

Thankfully, the evening went surprisingly well. It was a very low-key evening, just like Alexia said. In fact, you might even go as far as to say you enjoyed it, that’s a welcome revelation. And it seems you weren’t the only one that had discovered something new.

“Can I ask you something?” Alexia said on the drive back to your apartment.

“Sounds like there’s no stopping you.” You replied, smiling when she teasingly rolled her eyes.

“At dinner, when Patri asked why you don’t drink, you said ‘long story short, I don’t like it’ so I was just wondering what you meant by that?” Alexia asked, before almost immediately regretting it. “I mean, you don’t have to answer, it’s your business, but… if there’s anything we should be mindful about, then let me know.”

Who needed alcohol when you had a tendency to lose your inhibitions whenever you got too exhausted?

“No, not really any problems. I don’t have any issues with people drinking around me, I just have a bit of a history with it but it’s nothing big. It’s fine.” You shrugged, trying to keep your eyes open as the streets of Barcelona passed by your window. 

“What… what happened?” Alexia pressed gently.

“Well, when I was about seventeen, I started going through a really hard time. I had just dropped out of school, I’d had some trouble with friends, I was basically struggling quite badly. I started partying and drinking a lot, way more than I should have. Then I began to rely on it too much, just to get me through really basic stuff. It made me feel normal, it got rid of the voice in my head and it made me feel like a functioning person of society because it was what everybody else did. One day I decided it was best that I don’t drink at all, and it’s easier to tell people I don’t like it but actually I’m just scared of drinking because of all it reminds me of. So, I avoid it.” You explained, rather nonchalantly. 

The mental exhaustion was hitting hard that night, it was evident in the way you spoke. There was one explanation; dissociation. Dinners were not your favourite things in the world, they were a challenge to get through even when you were in the best company. Small talk, food, the sound of people eating, the scrapes of cutlery against ceramic, and the attention on some occasions being entirely on you? Yeah, a big no go. Which is why you were so tired, so distant, because your mind was in protection mode to keep you running until you got home.

Talking about your past was difficult, you’d come a long way and it felt counter-intuitive to talk about the bad times when you’d worked so hard to come to a good place. Yet, here you were, baring your soul about a topic you normally kept to yourself. You don’t even feel at least a little bit anxious at the fact you’d just spilled that secret. Alexia takes all the concern you normally feel and keeps it for herself.

“I’m sorry you went through that, cariño. Thank you for telling me.” She smiled sadly over at you, an ache growing in her heart at your defeated demeanour where you sit in her passenger seat. “Are you feeling okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”

“Tired. So tired.” You sighed. Even just talking felt like a chore in that moment. “Wanna get home, s’all.”

“Okay, we’re almost there now.” She said, “I’m proud of you for coming today. I know you weren’t a fan of the idea initially but you came, and everybody was so glad that you did. I am really proud of you, and so are Ingrid and Mapi too.”

The woman to your left surprised you everyday with each act of kindness she was showing. She hardly knew you, she hardly knew of your struggles, but she was adamant to learn and show just how deeply she cared. You were beyond grateful for her and all she’d said and done, even if you couldn’t verbalise that just yet.

All you could do was offer a simple nod, almost entirely mute as a result of how utterly overstimulating the day had been. You had loved it, sure, but sometimes when days like today left you in such a dejected state that you could hardly talk, there were still times if you wondered if fighting for a somewhat normal life was worth it. 

From then on, the rest of the drive home was silent. Alexia dropped you off, made sure you knew to contact her or Ingrid or whoever you felt comfortable speaking to should you need them, and that was that. You got inside, were barely able to get yourself changed, before passing out as soon as you got into bed.

—

A few weeks went by and it was more of the same. After that dinner, the team really clamped down and focused on getting everybody ready for the start of the new season. Training at Barcelona was different to anything you’d ever experienced before; it was intense, but light-hearted. There was competition, but it was healthy, everybody egged each other on even if they wanted to win. Ingrid was right, you had never found training this enjoyable before. You had to put that down to the people though, if it wasn’t for them then you’d never feel as comfortable as you do now. 

There were blips, there were still obstacles, but apart from that time you fell ill after training , there hadn’t really been any meltdown-inducing moments. Just a lot of burn-out and exhaustion, but you were near enough a pro at dealing with that now. 

The environment was… perfect for you. And one factor of that outcome is definitely down to the help of the famous three you had near enough attached yourself to since your arrival.

But the main factor to how well you had settled in was down to you. At some point along the way, not that the exact date mattered or anything (at exactly 12:02 on Monday the 26th of August), you hit a milestone that you had never managed to reach before. 

It was unplanned, but once the initial shock had worn off and the anxiety left, you teared up in the arms of Ingrid at the pride you felt towards yourself. Then Mapi joined in with the hug, and so did Alexia, then… so did the whole team too. 

For the first time, you were honest with your team. For the first time, you told them that you had autism. And for the first time, you weren’t suffocated by that prospect. When they all came together to hug you, it wasn’t just a physical embrace, it was them fully accepting you even with this burden you held and championed every day of your life. Though, with the support of others, it was hard to think of it as a burden. The gravity of a secret this big had weighed you down for years, but… now, your chest had never felt so light.

They supported you when you arrived, but the extremes this Spanish team took didn’t quite register until the week before the first game of the Liga F season. Fortunately for you, the first game of the season was at your new home of football, the Estadi Johan Cruyff. So, to help settle the rising nerves you were feeling as game day got closer, the club had organised a training session for you at the stadium a few days before. The more familiar you were with your surroundings, the less you had to worry about on the day. And, as everybody knew, the only thing you needed to worry about for your debut would be how well you did on the pitch.

What you didn’t know though, was that every member of your team was waiting in the stands for you to walk out. And the second the sound of boots hitting the floor echoed from the tunnel through the empty stadium, Mapi was up on her feet to cheer and encouraged her teammates to do the same. The only person that hesitated was Ingrid, but when she saw the look on your face as your te- your friends outwardly rallied behind you so openly and so freely, she became the loudest one of them all. That was the perfect way to prepare for game day, you really couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to work with everyday.

Were you jittery and wracked with nerves as you waited on the sidelines to be substituted in at the 70 minute mark? Yes, but the second you took your first step on the grass with the crowd’s applause as your welcome, you fixated on the game and everything else was just background noise. 

From a young age, before you had even heard of the word autism, football had very obviously been your special interest, otherwise known as the one random topic out of everything in the world to take over your life. 

You would spend hours in your backyard, kicking a ball against the side of your house, driving your family crazy. The walls of your bedroom were covered, corner to corner, in posters ranging from your favourite players, to clubs from all over the world. Christmases and birthdays as a kid were, to you, all about what from your presents you could add to your collection. Kits, boots, scarves, match-day programmes, magazines, even trading cards. Back at your childhood home in Norway, all these things were stored away in the attic, still items you cherished. 

As you got older and life got a bit more difficult, football became your escape. School was exhausting, people were exhausting, but football was something you could do on your own. No one bothering you, no one expecting anything from you, it was a time you could forget the world and all its misdemeanours, and just relax. And honestly, that’s all you planned for it to be. It was hard to imagine it being anything else than just a hobby.

All it took was one game to change the whole trajectory of your life. A game of girls against boys at your school at the age of only eleven, and the next day your sports teacher had gotten you a trial at the local academy. You passed it with flying colours, and flourished in the sport from there.

…Until one random day when you were fourteen, your mother sat you down for a conversation you never could have expected. But once you'd had time to dwell on her words, everything made sense. 

You had autism spectrum disorder. 

It wasn’t made official until the assessment process was over and you received your diagnosis, but that was the day it felt like your life had been irreversibly changed. Your view of the world changed with one conversation, and it was as if everything you thought you knew was wiped completely. Like you had been thrown into the ocean with no one and nothing around to help. 

All the tantrums, the bad behaviour at home compared to being a model student at school, the fussy eating habits, and the endless list of out-of-the-norm habits you had - it added up to this one, new label. The tantrums became meltdowns, the reasoning behind your behavioural differences were from spending the whole day surrounded by people and masking to fit in which led to you being so overwhelmed and overstimulated, your mind went into overdrive and didn’t know what to do. The fussy eating turned out to be sensory issues, with the textures and tastes of certain foods making you physically ill.

There was so much to learn that some days it felt like too big a challenge to tackle. Then there would be the days where you were up all night, the light of your family laptop kept hidden under the blanket you draped over yourself, as you researched this life-changing disorder until the sun rose.

It’s funny, really, how quickly your life can change with just three words.

For years, you had been defeated by it, succumbing to the assumptions that you could never amount to anything more than the label forced upon you, but look at you now. Providing a world class through ball to the most recent Ballon D’Or recipient to tie off a 3-0 win in the first game of the season.

You had learnt at some point in the last twelve years that the only choice you had was to live with it. Make the most of it. This was your one life, you had to make it work. You were adamant to thrive for the others that couldn’t, for the 1 in 13 women that didn’t believe they were strong enough to fight back, and to prove to the world that this disorder didn't hold you back.

They wouldn’t know that your mind could be your own worst enemy, or the self-deprecating thoughts you could have whilst your face gave away no hints, or that sometimes you didn’t believe in yourself and the anxiety was so intense that you could be stuck in bed for days, even weeks, at a time. All they saw right now was your team, FC Barcelona, rushing over to celebrate you rather than the goal scorer because they knew what it meant to you. The world would only ever see your victories, because they had no business to strike you when you were already down. You were strong, you were worth it, and most importantly, you had done it. You’d made it to the exact point you dreamed of. That’s all that mattered.

Unfortunately, it only takes one bad thing to set you down an unwanted path.

Part 2

[nagy-bari]

on the appeal of Chilchuck Tims

short spoilery rambles on why i zero-ed in on this old man instantly and how i realized the patterns he gets to people.

subversion of the trope: oh they just look like a child while actually they are XXXX years old and--- yes. he's older than he looks, with a good 10 years and it's a boyman design now instead of a loli girl.

BUT wait there's more!

he's older than he looks and he has the experience of his actual age: that man is a father. of 3. the story he's in is his midlife crisis. he's planning on retiring from dungeering after this, he asked for payment UPFRONT (and got it) he has insane (for other characters, but really he's just normal, tries to be normal) work ethics - he got paid, he does the job, he's good at the job, he knows his own worth, strength and limits.

This Man Is Self Aware. He knows his weakness, the job's weakness (how adventure parties slip up and why) he knows he's seen as a bit closed up and he's OKAY WITH THIS.

what he's not okay with? not knowing if a party member is a cannibal or not when they are on this insane survival trip and he's the cook. what does he do?

he knows how to communicate and how much to disclose. Rare one, i know. With the party having an average gossip queen, an autistic foodie, and mysterious chef he knows when to take the lead so they can still function.

so to round it up:

Subversion of the 'looks young actually old', closed up and grumpy rouge who's motto is 'never trust those who don't ask for payment' and has the 'it's called personal life for a reason' philosophy rooted into their blood. Good? good.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE

because he knows he and all halffoots look young to others he actually started up a guild so they can re-enforce their rights as adults and independent people, so they are taken seriously and they can work against bad stereotypes and all.

we see his struggle through volumes, how hard it is for others to finally understand that a short live-spam people is actually just as old and mature as a long live-spam would be, it's mostly the numbers that are different.

we can learn with the other character to take him seriously, to accept the differences.

so he has good work ethic, looks out for his people, has plans for his and other's future, CARES for the future in general and ACTS so it will be a reality- rather sooner than later.

so he's charismatic and lovable while still being the usual tsundere setup for any joke.

BUT WAIT

THERE'S MORE

we first learned that he's actually is an adult (middle aged in half-foot culture)

is an estranged husband

who was left by his wife

cause he cheated-

BUT WAIT ACTUALLY NO

HE LIES ABOUT THE CHEATING!

cause he wants to keep his work persona intact, and it fits more if he says he cheated, cause then people won't BOTHER him with further details

BUT HE DIDN'T

he just went home one day and the wife was gone, with a note

and we learn ALL of this through a subversion of a UNICORN BICORN TALE - a feckin roll up of the whole pure maiden true virtue stuff - and we find out cause the feckin monster SNEERS AT HIM for lying then bites him.

so he's really soft with all the hidden 'better keep to yourself' and don't jump to conclusions cause that only fuels drama, which will hinder your work. but he was clearly hurt by this.

so the subversion here? we are Marcille. the whole fandom is Marcille. we are just as nosy and gossipy as her and it's a tiny little metanarrative joke and i love it, it's wonderful writing and it keeps you wanting more and more, you want this grumpy middle aged father to finally tell you his life story, the mundane little things, to see him brag about his children and all cause he's so goshdarn professional about everything.

but is it subversion at all?

wait...

there's more.

while we get actual introduction to his daughters we truly never seen anything about his wife.

it reaches the hights of Mrs. Columbo level of secrecy and i love it.

but! we know:

they were childhood friends

married when Chilchuck was 13 (almost full grown adult for their culture) and had the twins(?)

left their village at 14

3rd daughter at 15

he started adventuring at age 24 and formed the guild.

wife left when he was 25

Chilchuck started to work with Laios at 26.

he's now almost 29.

they were childhood friends and married for a good 10 year. he was there when he was needed to be a good dad (he's clearly proud of his daughters) and their fallout only started when he started adventuring.

let me say it again.

they. were. childhood. friends.

as much as we see the unfolding of young love in media, with all the teen dramas finding true and forever love in highschool and live happily with the white picket fence for 50+ years we see less of the loves that fizzle out, but were and probably will be friends.

love this. love this little detail cause there's so much in it. The confusion, the still remaining anger, the fustration. they probably would be able to talk it out. they've known each other for most of their life, but his logic and compromises for work (clear communication and a clear head) does not work here.

we don't know how exactly he feels and i love that, but we know he struggles to be open about 'mushy' feelings, grand gestures and all.

he knows his limits. His wife probably knows it too. That's why she's with the middle daughter. The assumed-ly closest to her rather than the oldest (locksmith) or the youngest (conartist?freelancer?life-artist???)

if we learned anything from Dungeon Mushi, it's that Kui Ryoko is a master of diverse characters visually and personality wise as well.

you can reverse engineer the wife if you want to from the girls but i love the joke and the actual comfort this whole Mrs. Columbo it gives.

cause Chilchuck has Columbo vibes. He's competent in his work, knows his limits, knows how to help others and when, knows when to quit and when to move on. and this tiny flaw of his, this domestic mystery we assume is his background (and ground of his disarming normality) is just enough to keep you thinking and re-think and re-think and just grow to love and appreciate the little details and love that was poured into this character of many in this wonderful story.

BUT WAIT

THERE'S MORE

yes he's a father

the dad jokes. oh my good the hidden dad jokes all through-out the series.

the 'i don't want a pet' ---- 'proceeds to be unseparable from said pet' meme with Izutsumi

the actual care and attention he can give when someone is distressed

the TALK with Senshi. that moment.

he's a proud father

but he's above all - practical

well that's all the mad rambling i had in me for now

if you read through this thank you

and do share your thoughts and finds - and ideas about the wife.

[talistheintrovert]

as somebody who has been (and remains) suicidal, I think Love For Love's Sake was written for me specifically, in the same way The Eighth Sense was.

I have no desire to speculate over the game mechanisms or what was real and what wasn't and who his sunbae *really* was because that's not the point. It's not about that, it's about the fact that suicidal people deserve compassion. It's about the fact that small acts of kindness can change everything. It's about the crushing pain of feeling left behind by everybody in your life and rejected by the people you want love from the most.

Being a human being is hard. It's harder when you have trauma. When you're mentally ill. When you're neurodivergent. When you're queer. All of those things separate you from the people around you in small, indefinable ways, and it can and will ruin your life if you let it (and even if you don't let it, sometimes it will do it anyway). I don't know about the rest of y'all but I'm in constant danger of becoming Tae Myungha. So I have no interest in exploring whether or not the ending is "real" or what made it happen, because that's not the point.

Tae Myungha entered the game broken and alone and was given a chance to make somebody else feel less like he did and he took it because he CARED. Because he had that capacity for love and strength for other people, but he couldn't find it for himself. The game made him confront that fact until he reached a point where he could actually allow himself to want things again. To want love and companionship and to feel like he *deserved* those things, because even though it's not about whether you deserve it or not, it's difficult not to feel that way. The game, and his sunbae, over and over again just wanted him to open himself up to being taken care of after leaving a life where nobody took care of him. It's tragic and beautiful and full of hope despite it all, and yeah it's morbid, but as somebody who has been where Myungha is, it also just feels very... normal. Struggling like that. Drowning under the weight of it all. The hard part is continuing even when all you want to do is give up, but this story is trying to tell us that it's worth looking for one more bright spot, trusting one more person, believing in yourself one more time.

Learning to receive love is just as important as your willingness to give it.

THAT is the point.

[heartlilith]

The Power of Investing in Yourself

Investing in yourself can look different for everyone. Think of an investment; buying a house, a share, a business. Investments are something that get better and better with time. They become more valuable, the worth increases as time goes by. You, yourself, are an investment ... the most important investment of all.

The ways you can invest in yourself are limitless. From drinking water everyday to getting a college degree - it doesn't matter what you are doing, but the fact that you are doing it.

Ways to invest in yourself: Journal, go to therapy, eat healthy, drink water, read books, do things you enjoy, meditate, yoga, working out, going to college, studying, learning, going to the doctor, resting, having goals, skin care routines, taking a class, etc.

When you invest in yourself a lot of things happen, all of them being positive. There are no negative outcomes when it comes to investing in yourself.

#1: It makes people want to invest in you too.

Think of it this way; you're a CEO of a huge successful business. You're looking to hire people and you're reviewing their resumes. There's one position left to fill and you have 2 applicants.

The first applicant's resume is pretty good. They have a degree in business, have prior experience, and a glowing letter of recommendation. For hobbies outside of work they mention working out and taking walks. When asked what their strengths are, they write, "Being organized, a good communicator, and able to work well with others". Pretty good resume, could definitely get the job done and do a fair job.

The second applicant also has a college degree, a glowing letter of recommendation, and prior experience. This applicant also enjoys working out in their free time, they read books, they like doing pottery, taking dance classes, and hiking mountains. When asked what their strengths are, they write, "Being reliable, organized, ready to take on challenges. Finishing things I start and being a good communicator". They are even certified in CPR and took a public speaking course.

Who would you choose?

Applicant #2! Even though half the things they wrote don't correspond with the job, it lets the CEO know a little more about the person. "They take on challenges" - well I'm sure they do because hiking mountains seems pretty challenging. "Reliability" - they're able to stick to their hobbies. "Being a good communicator" - they took a public speaking course. It shows the CEO that they invest in themselves, and that's someone that they want to invest in, someone that invests in themselves.

#2: Investing in yourself attracts opportunities.

Going to a cooking class, the library, or even to the gym - you're bound to meet new friends that share a common interest with you. Through those friends, you could be introduced to other hobbies that you enjoy. You never know what could happen when you meet people, they could be your "in" to an amazing job. They could be a bridesmaid or best man in your wedding. They could introduce you to the love of your life. They could impact your life in miraculous ways.

Investing in yourself is attractive. Would you rather date someone who plays video games all day or someone who takes care of themselves and has hobbies? It's a lot more interesting and appealing to be around people that have extracurricular activities because those activities create stories to tell. Stories to tell creates connections. Connections create relationships and so on.

You never know what's going to come knocking at your door. Maybe you're out at a restaurant and someone near you drops to the ground and needs CPR. You took a CPR class one day and now you're saving someone's life. Maybe you start selling the pottery you make. Maybe you take your interest in astrology and monetize it. You never know.

#3 Increases confidence and independence:

Investing in yourself increases your confidence because you're working on different skills. If you're in a pottery class and you make your first vase - you're going to be happy and proud of yourself. It's an accomplishment. If you start an astrology blog and gain 10 followers, you're going to be happy. It's an accomplishment. When you go to college and get a degree, you're going to be proud. It's an accomplishment.

It doesn't matter how big or small the accomplishment is. When you create goals and complete them, a chemical reaction happens in your brain and literally makes you a happier person. Day after day, goal after goal, your confidence will rise. You will feel good about yourself.

Investing in yourself makes you more independent. When that guy or girl ghosts you or rejects you, it won't hurt as much. You won't be in the house all day waiting for them to call. You won't ruminate on why this and that happened. You'll be busy. By the time you get home or finish a project/goal, you'll notice that you were so focused that you forgot all about it. You'll have your own agenda. Not only that, but your relationship with yourself will be strong. You won't blame yourself as much because you know who you are. You learn who you are by spending time with yourself.

More on my Patreon

[lettersfromverabookreview]

The Percy Jackson Saga

What a saga! I´ve still yet to finish it (while writing this, but i´ll post it when I finish it), but it´s SO fun, such a light read.

My history with Percy Jackson series has MANY comes and goes and it intercepts with many characters of my life that definitely not align with the Percy Jackson books at ALL. Seriously, If by any chance you´re a pre-teen reading this and you seem to be a bully who reads percy jackson, why do you think percy has SUCH a bad time in the school?? Anyway, getting over the personal comment….

I was mainly attracted to it because the series has come out (watch it !! its definitely interesting) but the nostalgia has come back with a kick and I definitely relate to little Percy, Annabeth and Grover (none of them would love me calling them little, but they are kids!!! Give them a SECOND of peace please), a little misunderstood, a little lost, not only when I was a teenager, but now on my 20s I can def relate (in a sense) to this lost feeling.

I doubt it ever goes away, Hell (or Hades?), Its difficult even to the gods what is happening in the books!! Everyone has to make tough decisions every once in a while, sometimes is whether to have the literal sky to help the goddess Artemis to fight Atlas, sometimes is leaving a job!

And I definitely relate to the strand of white hair after going trough the stress. And yes, everyone has a difficult choice and sometimes some are tougher than others, (like cmon… my job change example its what Ive been going through but Im guessing that maybe having the sky on your back may be a lil more difficult) but difficult choices are difficult choices, and these books have helped me, at least, to get anxious over whether Percy was going to be able to save his mom, instead of me getting anxious of my life choices.

I´m sure that anybody reading this may be going through a tough time (I mean, not to wish that upon you, and if you say “nah thanks i´m good, having the best time of my life” great for you!!) and i definitely believe that these books may seem focused for children, and yes, the repetition of what happened the last books that appears in every book after the first one, it sure is annoying, but overall its a huge break for the brain! Its a nice reading, a nostalgic one, and a hug to the heart.

A good reminder that good friends are worth lifting the sky and more, that families may not be what we always expect, that blue food is DOPE, that what we see may not always be what it truly is, that friends are not always what they seem to be, and that enemies (or people who we are taught are “enemies”) may not always be enemies.

[Finally, as a last comment since I´ve finished reading now] Sometimes it is not only good but necessary to go back to your child-self. To embrace new experiences with the forgiveness of a mother, the strength of an adult, but also for the inner ability of a kid that's learning how to walk, to stand immediately back up and continue trying. Embrace your strength but also your weaknesses, continue always learning, get around people you would sacrifice yourself for. Remember that its good and also essential to rest (sometimes on a lost island surrounded by the daughter of Kronos that's actually good and leaves you with a bunch of questions), and never forget to get back home (or at give out a sign when you're well so that everyone around you knows that you´re fine, turning the light blue of the Empire State can be an example).

If you´re going through high school, read this.

If you´re a lil lost, read this.

If you´re pretty sure you may be a lost child to a Greek god, yeah sure, but also read this.

If you wanna learn more about greek myths! I mean they are not super explained sometimes, but they sure deserve a good google search afterwards, which is good brain food!

If you really like sloooooow burn romances, yeah maybe you may like this (super far from the actual trama of the story but its so TRUE how long Percy takes to realize y´know…the thing)

If you like cute Cyclops, who are NOT murder machines, read this!!

And you must definitely read this if you like the water!! -Vera

[marshmallowprotection]

Haven't got time to check out the written blurb, but I don't remember if I ever said how much I love the ship name 'flowerpot'

Like

That's adorable

I adore it

YEAH. OMG. I LOVE IT SO MUCH, TOO. @creator-kami and I have contained our CMCs in a flower pot with Saeran and Ray. Imagine if you will four flowers blossoming at the same time in a pot you didn't expect flowers to grow in. These flowers grow together to be strong and vibrant, and unlike the flower pot Ray held in Another Story with a direct allegory to his brother, there's no overwhelming fear in which the stalks need to be trimmed to survive.

It's not a question of survival.

It's allowing the flowers to sprout naturally and taking a chance on nature deciding how things will play out. Which, that's how we both figured out the inner-workings of the Flowerpot ship. They work to grow and be better together, and by finding strength together, they find the courage to face their problems head on. When one person struggles, they work together to find a solution, not because there's some kind of push to "fix" something—but because sometimes you need a loving hand to show you how to heal yourself.

I think that's the great thing about their dynamic. They don't force each other to be better for the sake of being better. They help the other realize that they're holding back, and what kind of life can you lead if you don't become your truest self? It's about vulnerability, too. It's about trusting someone to catch you when you're afraid you won't be able to jump at all.

Like, ah, in the roleplay, one of my favorite things so far has been Tsubaki and Saeran pushing each other to hold onto their dream, no matter how many times someone has tried to silence it. In doing so, they actually became each other's dream, and I cry every time I think about it. Their dreams evolved the more they allowed themselves to be honest with each other!

Ray and Lila indulge each other in their love of cute things and they never have to be insecure or afraid to be their truest selves. There's no shame or judgement when they're together, they don't have to sit there and think about what other people think of them, and that does inevitably help them feel better about sharing their art. There's no real reason to be afraid of critics. They learn how to have fun without that sense of: Am I allowed to express myself this way?

Tsubaki and Ray understand each other's deeply seeded fears. They fear not living up to who they want to be and if it's okay to challenge their perception of who their role models were versus what they were really like. They find peace and comfort in knowing there's someone in this world who can smile at them and say, "I don't think it's wrong to feel conflicted."

Saeran pulls Lila out of her slumps and put a fire under her belt. He pushes her to bite back, to be confidant, and to say what she means so people don't walk all over her. Lila encourages Saeran to be gentle even if he's afraid of being misunderstood. He learns how to slow his words down so he can think before he leaps so his heart can be seen as it truly is.

Tsubaki and Lila encourage each other to believe in their dreams, to have faith in this world and the people in it, even if it seems difficult to imagine. They see drive and purpose in each other's eyes, and it's nice to know even if you're afraid of getting close to another person because you admire them and you're afraid they may not like you, it's always worth offering your hand because you may never know what you're feeling until you allow yourself to feel it.

[racheljoyscott]

Hey i love your blog<3

Do you know how to make friends , i got bullied in 8th grade by my group of friends because i defended a girl from being body shamed and i lost all my confidence to talk to people and making friends im a freshman going into sophomore year and i want to make friends this upcoming school year<3 i’ve been inspired by rachel to become more friendly like she was for the upcoming school year like reaching out to people bc ik whats it’s like to be bullied but i get really scared to talk to people bc i feel like im gonna get judged💜

Hey Anon! Glad you came across my page. I'll give you two sets of advice, my own and what I think Rachel would tell you.

You are almost the age I was when I started this blog so many years ago! I still, to this day, am thankful every single day that I learned of Rachel's story. I found her at the most pivotal stage in my teenage development. It shaped me more than I can express, and she completely altered my character progression. Rachel is extremely inspiring. Just listen to her stories and I promise it'll have some good effect on you. It's worth every second.

With that being said, this is my advice. The hard truth is, there will always be mean people tearing you down. Whether it's mean girls at school, a mean boss, or even your roommates in college. To make friends, be yourself. Learning to follow your own interests and live through your values will take you so much farther in life. And you'll be happier. Friends will come. I didn't have many friends in middle school or for a good chunk of high school. But looking back, I think I was better off having my few close friends than forcing friendships with the popular kids. Be a friend to everyone (with limits), but don't worry too much about having/not having friends. I promise you, being yourself and being kind to all people will give you confidence and bring you so much value to your future self. I think these early years are really impactful on your future. Put good out there, build a foundation for your career, and do your best in school. But given you are already following Rachel's footsteps, I'd say you're on a very good path :)

Based on what I know about Rachel, I'd say she'd be proud of you for sticking up for that girl! Please, please, never let other girls, especially mean or judgemental girls, take away any bit of sparkle or strength you have. If you are already using your voice for good and to help others so young, keep making it stronger. No matter what you say, you'll learn someone has an issue with it or judge you for it. Everyone has a bit of social anxiety when it comes to things like this. Especially at your age in high school. To combat it, Rachel wore really funky and eccentric outfits that kind of forced her to get used to discomfort and judgement. (Also because she was really cool!) To combat mine, I learned that people don't remember or care nearly as much as you do when you think you embarrass yourself. I even think of Rachel when I have trouble approaching someone. Because really, you never know what people are thinking or going through. She asked God to use her to reach out to people and to help others. Maybe that person sitting alone wants someone to sit with them, or maybe they don't! But it's for you to find out. Either you make a friend in the process, or learn more and more on how to approach people and make small talk. Life's all about chances but they're usually worth taking.

My advice to overcome the fear of being judged is to do your best. Whenever I fear how I'm being perceived or judged, I tell myself I did the best I could today. Even if I did screw up, at least I helped someone out. I was kind to a stranger. I put a smile on someone's face. Held a door open. Etc. At least I tried to be good and did something small to positively impact the people around me. Because truly, that's all that matters. And that's all because I found Rachel's story. :)

Please reach out to me if you ever need anything else, and I encourage you to use my blog to learn more about Rachel. She was always a friend when I didn't have one. There is truly so much you can learn from her! Good luck! xx

[seeminglyseph]

I just realized I first read the HP series as a child specifically because I was really really into the Worst Witch TV show and the idea of a school of magic seemed cool to read more about, and then the escapist fantasy of Hogwarts was basically just... ‘what if I didn’t go to *this* school or live in *this* house and the things that I was and did were something to be proud of instead of embarrassed or ashamed’

it really is wild how much a person can be and become exactly the kind of awful and twisted reality they once offered an escape from. JKR is the person I daydreamed about going to Hogwarts to avoid, to be free from or learn the inner strength to overcome. And yeah, a lot of that was there the first time I read it, but some of the blessing of having a child’s comprehension skills or self centred perception of the world is that sometimes the shallow selfish part of the lesson isn’t terrible.

And I remember..... a series is always different before it finishes. Because being a teenager just after goblet of fire came out, it meant you could have a million fantasies and daydreams about what *could* happen, what might exist, and the maybes and questions were fun and the experience of a community interest was delightful.

I genuinely never finished the seventh book. by the time the series ended I was in a place where I was disillusioned by the source material. Often it felt like a malicious jab every time a new book came out, because it was a new surprise about how someone you’d grown to love was actually secretly a manipulative or selfish or abusive dickswab the whole time, there wasn’t a payoff to the house elves it just sat there, there wasn’t gonna be more depth to Draco Malfoy, there wasn’t going to be depth to slytherin, the Marauders weren’t the close found family we all wrote about, there was never going to be the deep bond between any secondary characters explored, and the character arcs you thought were being setup just... weren’t there to begin with. The way an end can re-contextualize a whole series is if it turns out that there is no payoff. There’s no reason, there’s no justice, no catharsis. Everything stays the way it is, and the things you care about are killed, and destroyed and cast aside and your hopes just kind of fall into a dull memory of a better story you made up in your head.

Loving Harry Potter when you were too young to know the deeper implications, or because it was before the internet was popular and you didn’t know what other places were like, or because the story wasn’t finished and maybe if the weird bigotry pays off as a storyline then there’s a reason for it... It’s okay if you made a different, better story in your head. That’s honestly great. I wish you would follow through and make more different, better stories for people to read.

The author’s movement to advocacy against what should be basic human rights and dignities afforded to all people makes it a linchpin of a political statement, and her power makes it that what should be harmless nostalgia causes real harm. It is because of the power and the hatred that JKR holds and enforces that the lessons of inner worth are tainted by worth at the expense of others. And honestly I think that, like Lovecraft, a lot of the stories people have made inspired by her work greatly surpass the work itself. So honestly, don’t give her credit for a strength you built. You built social connection, you built skills, you learned how to create characters and you fleshed out the puppets she put out before you. The characters and stories you made that made Harry Potter what it was are more important than the actual mockery of a story we received. You breathed life into it with what you made. Take that, and know that you’re the hero not her, and you don’t owe her any loyalty or reverence for giving you a bit of inspiration to do all of the things you did yourself. The end of Harry Potter just proved that we all had better ideas than the creator, and I hope a lot of you realize you don’t owe her anything for that. You’re the better creator.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Hi Kiko! This year has been moving really fast. It's Mardi Gras season for me right now! We are on spring break as a result and I'm trying to get a bunch of work done for my prospectus so I can hopefully be ABD by next month. I'm also currently working through a back injury that I've been managing since 2020- finally got the okay to start lifting light weights again :) And I'm spending my first Valentine's Day in three years single. I'm loving myself more than my ex ever did, so I'm actually really fucking grateful. Got myself chocolates and I'm getting takeout from my favorite restaurant tonight (they have gumbo soup dumplings and matcha cheesecake. It's amazing). A year ago, I thought my whole world was ending. I was in the process of realizing my engagement was falling apart and my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. I was diagnosed with chronic illnesses and told I'd never not be in pain again. And while there are still rough days, I'm in less pain than I was most of last semester. I'm learning to really treasure my time with just myself and my cat. My parents and I are getting to spend time together just the three of us. And I got a cool shirt that kind of looks like the one you posted about Rinko wearing in Gokudō, soooo I'll be wearing that to my next cosplay convention :) Your stories genuinely helped me survive last year. I am so grateful I stumbled upon this little corner of the internet, and as odd as it may sound, I try to channel Rinko on my bad days. It gets me through. We're here to help get you through, too, love! Sending so much love and a metaphysical king cake your way! <3 Rai

RAI!! HELLO!!!

Mardi Gras is WILD but so fun lol

HAPPY SPRING BREAK AND GOOD LUCK ON WORK!!! ABD ALREADY?? Amazing. You’ll do amazing. I just know it. My best friend is in that boat now and it’s crazy to think about. (Especially since she’s literally growing a human inside her, too.)

I’m so, so, SO HAPPY for you that you’re loving yourself and building a better life for yourself separate from your toxic ex. BUYING ALL THE CHOCOLATES. YES. GUMBO IS ALSO INCREDIBLE.

I love that your life is already better than a year ago. I hate that you had to go through so much, but it’s beautiful how you were able to find your strength to get through it all and come out even better! 💕

I’m so grateful and humbled that Another Level and Rinko helped you. They helped me too. They saved me. This little corner helped save me. Realizing that something I created could actually make any kind of difference really did save me from despair because I believed nothing I did was worth anything and would never amount to anything.

Rinko is so fun and beautiful and strong and I’ve realized that many of my favorite of her traits are ones I wished I could have. Her courage specifically. Her courage in the face of so much misery and hardship and choosing to still be the person who loves and cares and is kind. I think that’s one reason people loved her so much. She’s not stupidly or obliviously nice. She sees and hears and feels the pain and anger and bitterness but still chooses to not let them define who she is. She knows that there’s enough hatred in the world without her adding to it. She’s not perfect, she makes mistakes and she gets angry and she sometimes lets those drive her, but at the end of the day, she still doesn’t let them define her entirely. They’re just part of her existing as a human.

Rinko is a beautifully messy human, just like the rest of us. We’re all messy and emotional and imperfect, but without those things, life would be boring and empty.

I started writing this days ago and I had to save it to my drafts because I wanted to dedicate enough attention to it because messages like these really do pull me out of the darkness. Life has been kicking my ass so hard. Everyone around me keeps saying I’m doing so well and handling things in the best way possible, but that in itself is so exhausting. I’m exhausted. To be perfectly honest, I feel so, so fragile. But I know that’s a sign of my strength because I get up every morning and keep going even when it feels too heavy.

Rai, you are a beautiful human who is doing so incredible and you are so strong for working to be better for you. I’m proud of you and I’m proud to consider you a friend 💕

Also, I’ve been working on lil chibi designs for myself because I want to use them to order a custom case for my new earbuds and I will share one of the lil Gojo chibis I’ve been making.

Admittedly, writing has been difficult lately. I’m in the mood to write angst but I can’t figure out what it would be and I also want to write the Valentine’s Day blurb so badly. I’ll get it done eventually, I promise.

[onlyjaeyun]

Dude I fucking loved CH wth 🤭

I'm being so honest right now, you had me invested from the very beginning, there's something about the way you write your characters that make them feel like actual humans, and I loved every second of it

Starting with oc obviously, i was completely enamored by her, bc yeah she's an absolute baddie, she's good at her job, knows what she's doing, is loving, honest, smart, and so freaking pretty. But she also has some heavy ass baggage, is still learning how to navigate her way through life, puts her loved ones (found family) above anything else, which we know has its good and bad side, and is learning to love and honor herself in a more healthy way

The pain was real whenever the angst waves came around, seeing all the shit she had to put up with, and never prioritizing herself, but that only made me love even more those steps of growth, confidence, self respect, and accountability she kept on taking after every hardship. (I legit started tearing up at the part about owning her pleasure, and understanding that regardless of whoever her sexual partner was, the decisions, vulnerability and enjoyment are hers to own and live to the fullest).

Same thing with all the relationships in the story, from the Nishimuras bond, history, and fight to actually be left alone by that bitchass family, to each of the friendships, between the boys, with yn individually, and with tsuki 😭😭😭 I love them so much you have no idea, they're SO FUCKING ADORABLE, AND REAL, AND GOOD AND REASSURING TO EACH OTHER I CANNOTJDJDIW

Anyway yeah, those are the type of friends people need, their advice, company, humor, love, admiration, respect, protectiveness, and sincerity. I just thank for taking so much time into developing each of their dynamics, personalities and quirks

And how could I not, our main ship, my babies HoonYn and their entire fucking story, interactions, chemistry, and bond had me giggling, crying, punching the air, kicking my feet, and sobbing of frustration, pain, and pride all in the span of 5 hours (yes I read the entire series in one sitting, no I did not sleep at all, yes it was absolutely worth it)

Anyway, I feel like that's a whole lot of rambling and I'm barely making any sense -also I'm sleep deprived and English is not my first language, so I apologize for all the mistakes here-, but overall, I just wanted to congratulate and thank you for conveying so many struggles we have to get through in the daily, you didn't shy away from the mental health struggles, the flaws of the characters, the shittines of life itself, the absolute NEED for honest and understanding communication in ANY kind of relationship, and the inmense impact a friendship can have in our lives, as well as our own strength, determination.

I really don't know if this ended up making any sense, but yeah, thank you for your hard and amazing work, you're a great writer fr, please take care of yourself and have an awesome day <3 <3 <3 <3

🥺 asks like this with such detailed feedback is just..like an actual live letter you guys

thank you SO so so so much, i know i sound like a broke record at this point but there's just not enough words of gratitude could use to show you just how much i appreciate this and you. thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me this and for being so kind, sweet and enthusiastic about it.

asks like theye give me a glimpse of my work from your POV and it never fails to make me so excited and happy and just so so so excited, i hope you know this is everything to me. im so happy to know just how much you've enjoyed reading it and all the characters too so rhank yoj for all of this, i love you so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🤍☁️💫

[chai-hat-tea]

Living in an average indian household where my father is anti feminist and treats my mother like shit and has been raising his voice on her for his whole life this feels like someone made this story up. And I can't explain how much this has impacted my growth mentally because yes I feel worthless and it feels ok if someone raise their voice at me because...... That's what I've seen my whole life. That's what my father taught me. Learn to adjust, that's what they tech girls here, and that's what I am doing, always adjusting because that's how it's supposed to work.

https://www.tumblr.com/chai-hat-tea/716574574939144192/my-mum-has-six-brothers-they-all-live-in?source=share

Anom Nom…I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. I’ve not experienced this first hand, but I’ve seen enough of it to know exactly what you mean. My situation isn’t as bad as yours, but my parents do believe in this logic and I’ve had situations recently where my dad has used his manliness on me and almost hit me. So I know exactly what you mean.

And while I’m not the best to give you any advice, I need you to know that whatever you have been through is wrong and to never be accepted. It’s going to take constant practice of unlearning this and relearning that you’re your own hero and you don’t need someone to be one for you.

It’s never okay for anyone to “put you in your place” because they know better. They really don’t. Believe me. You’re worthy of all the good things that have happened to you, are happening and WILL happen to you. I agree that it’s normal to adjust in any relationship and a little extra as being an Indian women, but I need you to promise to me that you won’t settle for anyone. Whenever you adjust or compromise, the other person needs to be worthy of it. Promise me.

I don’t know what your situation is, but if you ever want to come off anon and talk to me, I’m all ears. If I can’t do something about it, let me at least lessen that emotional burden you carry with you everywhere.

So, to summarise:

1. Go to a therapist and talk it out if you can. Or talk to anyone who can at least help lessen your burden.

2. You’re worth all the good things and more. Don’t let the men (or adults) tell you otherwise. And definitely don’t let anyone raise their voice at you.

3. You’ll get your happy ending. I know it. And if you can’t see it for yourself, then I’ll do it for you. ❤️

Sending you my love and strength because you matter and you’re worth it.

[jokingmaiden]

interests and identity

what is an interest to you? what do you believe it means to love something so passionately, so dearly, to where you crave its knowledge like the fruit of a blooming tree? where do you believe interests come from? they are the labors of love, pieces of the encounters around you. there must be a way you learn what you love, and it is always directly or indirectly through another. whether it's the excitement of a cherished friend, a device offered by a guardian, the sight of someone pouring their soul into their work, it comes from others. there is no such thing as originality in love; it is a beautiful thing, to know the love you feel is shared in its purity. what i mean to say is, every inkling of interest you have ever felt for a topic is shared.

this is no terrible thing!! to share love is a beautiful, beautiful truth. every interest you've ever had is a part of someone else: handed to you so delicately and wrapped in silk; or perhaps worn and tattered, clearly used many times over the years and laced with generations of affection; maybe sunkissed and molded, not touched for many years but passed to you as the revitalization it deserves. humans are creatures of mimicry by nature. to gain an interest in something through mirroring the people you admire is to exist in the tenderness of the human condition. there is nothing shameful about gaining your enjoyment from those around you; sharing love is the path to joy.

similarly, we are made of experience. each individual detail of your life makes you: your personality, your strengths, your weaknesses, your identity, all of your likes and dislikes through the years, everything. each single building block, in turn, has been in the hands of another, handled in millions of different ways by millions of different stories, like a trope peppering the tones of several stories through several centuries. no single trait has ever been individual. no one person has been the only one to ever experience something in a single instance. each individual spot of every isolated dimension has been, is, and will be interacted with.

no, what makes you you is not any one trait. it's not your love of your interests, nor your pain, nor your gender or sexuality. what makes you who you are is the combination of these pieces, like a puzzle spanning several trillions of bits to come together as you. while every piece of you has been experienced before, there is no other being in all of existence who has experienced the exact array of life you have. nobody with the same ecosystem in your body keeping you alive, no copy of your arrangement of experiences forming who you are, nothing. you will never be recreated again; even if you were to be cloned exactly as you are, said clone would immediately start having different experiences. you, in this way, will never be remade. and that may be lonely to some, but in reality, it is absolutely beautiful. you are a universe. treat yourself with respect. it takes a long time for a being so intricate, so complex, to be fully and wholly loved. we are all little universes, trying desperately to understand each other with our whole beings. you cannot feel truly loved without first understanding why you are so beautifully unique.

you do not need to break the mirror to see yourself. you simply don't need to stare at it, y'know? and if it offers any solace, i see your constellations, your combinations of beautiful starts and space and life and chaos, and i see love. i see someone who will not become loved, but is already loved far more than they understand. they simply need to see it. and, for what it's worth, i look into the stars in your eyes, and i love them. tenderly, genuinely, and fully. your story is a beautiful one; please, don't try to erase its value simply because a string of characters within it has been used before. you are so much more than a single page.

be gentle; you have galaxies within you.

[inifinds]

Best Never Give Up on Love Quotes For that Special Someone

Love is a force that binds us. It lifts us up when we are down and gives us hope when we are lost.We will explore the essence of love, its challenges, and the power it holds.Through insightful reflections and inspiring quotes, we will go on a journey to understand love and discover why it is worth fighting for.The Essence of True LoveA quote by Honore de Balzac reads, "True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself." on a mustard yellow background with black and white accents."True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself." - Honore de BalzacTrue love is a rare and precious thing. It is the love that withstands time and remains constant through all of life’s trials. It is the love that weathers every storm and remains steady. True love is worth the effort, for it brings unparalleled joy and fulfillment.Personal Insights: ​True loves is all there is.  It's the universal in all its simplicity and chaos.  Remain grateful and less judgmental on those you love truly.​​​​​​​Next Steps: Reflect on your relationships. Identify moments that define true love for you. Write them down and cherish these memories, for they are the cornerstone of enduring love.Overcoming Challenges in Love"Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert H. SchullerEvery relationship faces tough times. It is during these moments that the strength of love is truly tested. Overcoming challenges together can strengthen the bond between partners and deepen their love.Personal Insights: There was a time when my partner and I faced a significant challenge. It seemed like an insurmountable barrier, but we faced it together. Through open communication and mutual support, we emerged stronger and more connected than ever.Next Steps: Think about a recent challenge in your relationship. How did you handle it? What did you learn from it? Use these lessons to build a stronger foundation for the future.The Importance of Hard Work in Love"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going." - Beverly SillsLove requires hard work. It is the effort every day that builds a strong and lasting relationship. Hard work in love means being present, understanding, and patient.Personal Insights: I have learned that love is not just about gestures, but about the daily acts of kindness and understanding. It’s about listening, compromising, and working together to build a shared life.Next Steps: Set a small goal related to hard work in your relationship. Whether it’s spending more quality time together or improving communication, start working on it today.Learning from Inspirational Figures"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." - Mahatma GandhiInspirational figures can teach us valuable lessons about love and perseverance. Their stories remind us that love is a journey filled with difficulties, but always worth the effort.Personal Insights: Mahatma Gandhi life of servitude shows that love requires resilience, patience, and a deep commitment to each other.Next Steps: Research and read about an inspirational figure who overcame challenges in love. Reflect on their journey and find lessons you can apply in your own relationship.The Power of Love"Love is the most powerful force in the universe." - UnknownLove can change lives. It gives us strength, purpose, and a reason to keep going. The power of love is unmatched, and it can transform even the hardest of hearts.Personal Insights: I have seen love heal wounds, mend broken hearts, and bring people together. It is love that has the power to change the world, one person at a time.Next Steps: Take a moment to express love and appreciation to someone important in your life. Let them know how much they mean to you and how their presence enriches your life.Building and Maintaining Successful Relationships"A great relationship is about two things: First, appreciating the similarities, and second, respecting the differences." - UnknownBuilding a successful relationship requires effort, understanding, and respect. It’s about finding common ground and appreciating each other’s uniqueness.Personal Insights: In my relationship, we have learned to celebrate our similarities and respect our differences. This balance has allowed us to grow individually and together.Next Steps: Identify one way to strengthen your relationship this week. Whether it’s planning a date night or simply being more attentive, take action and show your commitment.Embracing a Positive Mindset"The best way to predict the future is to create it." - Peter DruckerA positive mindset is crucial in love. It helps us see the good in our partners and the potential in our relationships. Positivity fosters growth and resilience.Personal Insights: Maintaining a positive attitude has helped me get through the toughest times in my relationship. We're not perfect and not holding a grudge is important as we both grow and learn from each other.Next Steps: Practice daily affirmations to boost positivity and strengthen your relationship. Remind yourself and your partner of the love and potential you share.Celebrating the Little Things"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." - Robert BraultLove is found in the small moments, the everyday gestures that show we care. These little things are the building blocks of a strong relationship.Personal Insights: I’ve found that it’s often the small, seemingly insignificant moments that mean the most. A shared laugh, a warm hug, a simple note – these are the things that keep love alive.Next Steps: Make a habit of noticing and appreciating the little things in your relationship. Show gratitude for the small acts of love and kindness.Facing Life’s Toughest Moments Together"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." - Henry FordLife’s toughest moments can test the strength of our love. Facing these challenges together can deepen our bond and bring us closer.Personal Insights: In times of crisis, my partner has been my rock. Together, we have faced illness, loss, and uncertainty, always finding strength in each other.Next Steps: Think about a tough moment you’ve faced together. Reflect on how you supported each other and how it strengthened your relationship.The Joy of Finding the Right PersonA quote by Dr. Seuss on a yellow and black background reads, "We're all a little weird... and call it love." The website "initialfinds.com" is mentioned at the bottom."We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - Dr. SeussLove is about finding someone whose imperfections complement our own. It’s about embracing each other’s quirks and finding beauty in our differences.Personal Insights: Our relationship thrives because we embrace each other’s imperfections. We celebrate our quirks and find joy in our unique bond.Next Steps: Embrace the imperfections in your relationship. Celebrate the quirks that make your partner unique and love them for who they are.Next StepsNever give up on love, for it is the most powerful force in our lives. Choose one quote from this guide and make it your mantra for the week. Reflect on its meaning and how it applies to your life. Embrace love with all your heart, and you will find that it can change everything.Additional ResourcesWe support local book stores!For more insights and inspiration, check out these additional resources:- The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman- A must-read book that helps you understand how to communicate love effectively. - TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown- Watch this enlightening talk about the importance of vulnerability in building strong connections. - Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability - Psychology Today: The Science of Love- Dive into the psychological aspects of love and what makes relationships thrive. - Link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/love - Mindful Relationship Habits: 25 Practices for Couples to Enhance Intimacy, Nurture Closeness, and Grow Closer Together by S.J. Scott & Barrie Davenport- This book offers practical tips for maintaining a loving and mindful relationship. Read the full article

[noisycowboyglitter]

Be a Kind Sole: Autism Awareness Starts with Compassionate Soles

"Be A Kind Sole Autism Awareness" is a campaign that combines the message of kindness with autism awareness, using a clever play on words. The phrase "kind sole" is a homophone for "kind soul," emphasizing both compassion and the idea of walking in someone else's shoes.

Buy now:19.95$

This campaign aims to promote understanding, acceptance, and empathy for individuals on the autism spectrum. It encourages people to:

Learn about autism: Understand the challenges and strengths associated with autism spectrum disorders.

Practice patience: Recognize that autistic individuals may process information and communicate differently.

Embrace neurodiversity: Appreciate the unique perspectives and abilities of autistic people.

Create inclusive environments: Make spaces and activities more accessible and welcoming for those with autism.

Challenge stereotypes: Move beyond misconceptions about autism and see the individual.

Support autistic individuals: Offer assistance when needed, but also respect autonomy.

Educate others: Share knowledge about autism to foster a more understanding community.

The campaign might involve various activities such as:

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Distributing informational materials about autism

Organizing awareness walks or runs

Hosting sensory-friendly events

Sharing personal stories from autistic individuals and their families

Promoting businesses and organizations that are autism-friendly

By encouraging people to "be a kind sole," the campaign reminds us that small acts of kindness and understanding can make a significant difference in the lives of those affected by autism. It emphasizes that acceptance and inclusion start with individual actions and attitudes, creating a more compassionate and supportive society for everyone.

Autism Puzzle Piece Colors are a significant aspect of autism awareness symbolism. The puzzle piece, adopted as an autism symbol in 1963, often appears in various vibrant hues, each carrying its own meaning:

Blue: The most common color, representing calmness and acceptance.

Red: Symbolizing passion and strength in autism advocacy.

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Yellow: Signifying hope and positivity for the future.

Green: Representing growth and new beginnings.

Purple: Symbolizing pride and dignity within the autism community.

These colors are frequently combined to create a colorful puzzle piece or ribbon, representing the diversity of the autism spectrum. The multi-colored puzzle piece emphasizes that each individual with autism is unique, with their own strengths and challenges.

While widely recognized, it's worth noting that some in the autism community prefer alternative symbols they feel better represent their experiences.

Unleash your inner champion with this awesome Autism Awareness Tee! More than just clothing, it's a powerful symbol of acceptance and pride. Our vibrant designs showcase the unique strengths of the autistic community, sparking conversations and promoting understanding.

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Whether you're rocking it for yourself or showing support for a loved one, this tee is sure to turn heads. Made with super-soft, high-quality fabric, it offers all-day comfort that keeps up with your active lifestyle. Every purchase contributes to autism awareness initiatives, making a positive impact with every wear. Choose from a variety of eye-catching designs and celebrate the incredible spectrum of neurodiversity!

[thestarlightforge]

“Holding Water”

6/9/24

******

This year—the last few months—has brought a whirlwind of change in my life. New shows, new people, new ways of being, most of it either beyond my wildest imagination or resurrecting hope I’d long thought gone.

At almost the halfway point for 2024, I reflect on what I’ve written this year.

I wrote about old friends, how they light up my life; how new friends see us in the stories we love; finding new and long sought purpose in working on art for my community; learning to trust yourself, enough to have faith in that purpose; letting every such artistic process become a love letter; the bravery it takes to need each other, to paint in each other’s colors; and the beauty of being the type of person who falls in platonic love with their friends, the moment it happens, through interdependence and “I get it” and “I believe in you,” connecting through threads of our own making, for we are gentle creatures built for community… and much more.

I have also written about how difficult this can be—worth it, but difficult—to find these things after hard times.

Recently, I’ve done a lot of thinking about my way of being—how I put so much stock into connecting with others, how or why we connect with people. I entertained the thought that it’s just trauma that changed me—if I put too much stock in connection, in others, because the times I lost those connections were so incredibly painful. It seems to be uncommon, the depth and speed with which I invite loved ones into my life. Having this pointed out, I wondered: Does it speak to weakness in my own architecture? How readily I adopt people once I trust them? That my favorite magic is that which I find in others? How I let them color my world? How frail connections can unmoor me so? Does it mean there’s less inside me, that I find so much wonder inside them?

I do need to learn a clearer view of my own strength, that’s true. The downside of an M.O. like mine is it’s easy to lose yourself in other people. I used to think I was better for barely caring about the validation of strangers, only “needing” approval from a few to get by. But the truth is, that’s still external validation. I think there’s a balance where we need community and it’s unfair to pathologize that—where our toxically individualistic imperial-capitalist society has wrongfully convinced us we shouldn’t need each other. But nonetheless, we should learn to love ourselves—to see our own magic, even when we feel lonely.

When life has been such that you only learn later how to build yourself up, this can be hard to grasp. If you can only see magic outside and little within yourself—whether it feels trauma has bled you dry or clouded your vision—the outside magic dimming seems to dim the whole world. Getting it back can seem a desperate struggle. Inevitably, sometimes it won’t come back, and when this happens, you feel irreparably trapped in the dark.

You can fight with friends, even lose them, and it feels like a mistake that you trusted or let yourself love them at all.

I’ve thought a long time, done a lot of work, and I think it’s not wrong to find magic outside of yourself. Humanity’s capacity for love and connection is one of our best qualities, and I think one of my greatest strengths is my ability to see magic in other people. I think the ways I trust them even in a world of uncertainty, how I let them change me, let the things they love—their hopes and struggles and dreams—become mine, is sometimes very brave.

But the only way to be whole—to fill up inside—is by learning to bandage our cracks. Nothing and no one can fill your cup until you decide you are worthy of patching your holes. The boosts we get from connection—recharging our magic by others lending us theirs—can only last if we also love ourselves.

It’s okay—it’s beautiful—to be in awe of the magic all around you. But remember: There is magic in you, too.

And to my friends who kept pouring into me even when I couldn’t hold water: Thank You.