#this is just how i personally feel sometimes

[vrystalius]

I know i just requested with weird nicknames for squid game characters.

But I want to see their reaction to your wallpaper being them or being another person. Literally obsessed with what you write its so cute. Take my heart ❤️

Squid Game men’s reaction for putting them as your phone’s wallpaper.

They randomly check your phone one day and find a picture of themselves staring back. How will they react? What kind of wallpaper do they have?

Pairing: Recruiter, Thanos, Nam-gyu x gn!reader

Summary: You putting them as your phone wallpaper, them putting you as their phone wallpaper

Genre: Fluff, maybe a little angst in Nam-gyu’s part (mention of drug use)

Words: 800 per character

Note: I wrote this during my medicine and head concussion induced haze, forgive me for any inconsistencies or mistakes 😭🙏 Also, the middle pictures are a suggestion as what said wallpaper could be.

Gong Yoo // The Recruiter // Salesman

— Choosing you as your wallpaper. —

Mostly surprise and confusion spread swirled in his mind the first time he stared back at himself in the form of your phone wallpaper. He never thought you’d screenshot this picture let alone use it as your wallpaper because c’mon— let’s be honest, you could’ve chosen any other picture of him and yet you decided on this.

It’s weird. Gong Yoo feels a little watched as he tries to find the food delivery app on your phone while having his own eyes stare back at him.

Although he had grown more and more fond of it every time he opened your phone anew. He sees how you grin a little when turning on your screen, how you sometimes giggle when you stare at it for too long. Sometimes you show it off to him and complain about he barely ever wears any skincare masks anymore.

“So you can have a new wallpaper? I don’t think so. My skin is fine for now, thank you darling.”

To be really honest, he finds it incredibly endearing that you chose him as your wallpaper, especially a picture like this. He thinks of himself as a sophisticated, charming, handsome salesman that lures desperate people into a death game and messes with homeless people in his free time, but you seemingly just see him as your soulmate, the love of your life, your husband.

— Choosing you as his wallpaper. —

Two months into the relationship and after a couple of dates, Gong Yoo already set you as his phone wallpaper. It was nice to have a reminder looking back at him to text you, check in on you, give you a call or even come by for dinner. A reminder that he has a special someone to care and love for.

He switches his wallpaper up every few weeks or months, wanting to keep it updated to your appearance. His chosen pictures are mostly intimate ones, snaps he takes while you are being unaware of how cute, attractive or adorable you look.

Pictures like when you are asleep on the couch in his arms after watching a movie, you after waking up and sleepily brushing your teeth in the mirror, you showing your back to him while waiting for the microwave to finish heating up the cheap convenience food, maybe even you stuffing your face with ice cream after a long day.

Whatever picture he may choose (much to your dismay), it always makes him smile to himself no matter the situation. Even if another homeless person asks him for spare change or those two random mobsters tried to jump him in an alleyway and now he was forced to “get rid of them”, a quick glance on his phone and seeing a cute picture of you immediately forces a smile to break out on his face.

The sight of their kidnapper smiling at his phone so lovingly while they were tied up and playing rock-paper-scissors for their lives probably made the two men shit their pants more than feeling the barrel of a revolver being pressed against the side of their head.

Thanos // Su-bong // Player 230

— Choosing him as your wallpaper. —

At first, Thanos reeeaaaallly disliked the picture you chose as your wallpaper. It was just a random reaction picture he send you one day about something he doesn’t even remember, and you went ahead and chose this as your phone wallpaper? Seriously?! Can’t you choose something more handsome, flattering?

He even offered to pose properly for you so you have a better pic to use, but after Thanos obviously started mewing and tried his absolute best to look as attractive as possible (which he already is but shhh), your boyfriend got extremely offended when you started laughing at his posing.

Your boyfriend gave up after a few attempts of secretly changing your wallpaper and seeing you pout every time he did, changing it right back to the one before.

If you really like it that much, fine. Just don’t let anyone see that you have that as your phone wallpaper, or else his rapper persona will never be able to recover from being exposed like that.

You don’t even understand why he is being so dramatic about your wallpaper anyway.

“I look hella ugly there, c’mon baby! Work with me here!! Here, lemme pose for you real quick so you can change that thing.”

Although it does flashbang you in the middle of the night when you turn on your phone, the brightness of the picture vaporising your eyes in an instant. It’s not the most pleasant thing to look at first thing in the morning but you still think he looks kinda cute in the pic.

— Choosing you as his wallpaper. —

He was careful to choose the prettiest picture of you he can find and the proceed to show it off to everyone he meets. Thanos even showed you off to Nam-gyu multiple times, forgetting that he already showed his friend the same picture four times now. Nam-gyu is already totally looking forward to next week when Thanos shows you off again.

Your boyfriend grins like a child whenever he glances at his phone for too long, falling in love with your picture all over again.

He changes his wallpaper every week so he always has something cute to look at after performing at another underground club or while doing whatever, sometimes getting distracted from searching for a certain app and instead ending up scrolling through either your social media account or his photo library to search for more pics of you.

Whenever you catch Thanos grin at his phone again, your first instinct is to glance over his shoulder to check what exactly he is looking at, but he immediately closes his phone when you do. At first you thought he might be looking at some random girl’s profile or whatever, but when you open it up and find yourself staring back, you’re kind of surprised to be honest.

Although, he always denies that he really cares about his wallpaper. Your boyfriend is totally choosing it at random and totally does not match his lock screen with his homescreen and mostly chooses pictures of you two together, you kissing his cheek or him holding you. Not at all!

Nam-gyu // Player 124

— Choosing you as your wallpaper. —

You choose a rather cute picture as your wallpaper. You took it during one of your first dates where you dragged him to a festival that was being held near your home, dragging Nam-gyu there against his will. Back then he had shorter hair, wore his glasses more frequently. Back then he was a little shy believe it or not, at least when it came to romance.

He used more before he met you, being around alcohol and drugs at all times due to his occupation. It kind of came with his job and the circle of friends he was around, so before meeting you, there was barely any day he wasn’t high or having a hangover from some random drug.

Nam-gyu never noticed you had this picture as your phone wallpaper until he accidentally grabbed your phone, thinking it was his. Seeing this picture in particular gave him a brief jumpscare.

You took this picture after he managed to scrap out the star shape out of the sugar cookie he bought from a random stand during the festival. His hair was shorter back then and he wore his glasses more frequently, the mask a reminder of how times were 5 years ago. He struggled staying clean during that time and always felt like shit wich is why he didn’t want to go to the festival in the first place.

He didn’t even know you took this picture of him despite him fully looking at the camera. A small smile spread on his face at the thought of you really choosing a picture like this as your phone wallpaper.

Quickly putting your phone down, Nam-gyu quickly played off his reaction as he hard you come into the room.

“I’m smiling about nothing, shaddup. Go back to wherever you came from.”

With a dismissive hand wave, he tried to shoo you away. His attempts were futile as you instead pull him into a clingy hug, instead demanding cuddles instead. Who was he to deny your wish?

— Choosing you as his wallpaper. —

Nam-gyu likes taking 0.5x zoom pictures of you from above and choosing them as his phone wallpaper, pushing you away as you try to protest and stop him from putting them as his wallpaper because seriously, he can literally choose any other pic!

You can hear quiet, evil “hehe”s from the corner of the room whenever you two are together and he turns on his phone, briefly turning it around so you can see what he was giggling so stupidly at, only for him to giggle harder at the sight of your unamused face.

Even if he mainly chooses those pictures as his phone wallpaper to annoy you, he likes having a stupid picture of you always available to him.

Some shitty guy searching for a fight at the club? Quick glance at your face at a 0.5x zoom makes him crack a smile right after. Thanos called him Nam-su, Gyu-nam or literally anything else but his name again? Turning his phone on lightens his mood immediately.

Sure, a flattering or cute picture of you would have the same effect on him, but this is much funnier in his opinion.

💠

Author’s note. Thank you for reading!

HAPPY LATE VALETINES DAYYYYYYY!!!! Since tumblr limits your tags to 30 tags per post I always have trouble tagging all of the Squid Game men, so I decided to split this one prompt into two posts. If this gets enough attention / love, I’ll post a part 2 with Dae-ho, Gi-hun and In-ho! Also, thank you for requesting, I needed a break from writing my smut draft 😭

Anyways, make sure to EAT, SLEEP and DRINK enough!!

Take care of yourselves <33

[ginggain]

What sport did you used to play? Also, what made you finally give in and eat yourself into a lardass

So I played baseball, football, and hockey! I also tried just about everything growing up from running to soccer to basketball. I would always run and I was a very fast runner, and decent at most sports too but I was always the tall skinny kid, so after high school into college I decided to put on more weight (first pic is start of college second is end) so I put on about 15-20 pounds after high school, mostly muscle and I loved it, I loved feeling bigger and more dominant, I loved being hungrier and being able to eat more, and at this point I had already been exposed to feederism but I never considered it for myself. One night in college I decided to just go get a bunch of food and eat until I couldn’t anymore… then my greatest orgasm ever happened lmaoooo… it felt so different and so good, I pictured myself growing larger and larger and feeling so much better the heavier I got. I didn’t really try to stuff too much after then, just making sure to eat consistent, I didn’t know if it was what I wanted yet in life but it was definitely there.

So then on and off for about two years after that I bounced from living in my college town to living back home to eventually finding my own place. I stuck around 160 for a lot of that time in there, would work on the road and lose 10 pounds here sometimes more, so I could never consistently hit the gym or consistently stuff and eat. Then about a year ago I slowly slipped back in, I started stuffing again, I started spending days at a time just eating and growing. I loved the feeling and I loved how greedy I was and felt. Over time I became a lot bigger in the community and a lot bigger person lmao. From august of ‘24 till now I have put on around 30 pounds and I have loved how fast it has piled on and I have never felt better about my body. The itch to keep growing and to see just how fat you can be never goes away, you forget about it and it grows and grows in your mind until you turn right back to it :) I fully have plans on this being my life now. I’m ready to give it all up, I’ve had my fun in my past smaller body, done everything I could really do with it and I’ve just always wanted to experience a whole different lifestyle of being big and every move revolves around food. I so badly yearn to be that biggest person in the room at any time, just eyes drawing towards you wondering how a person could possibly become that big. Not knowing my whole past life of being fit and healthy. Plus I know a lot of you find it quite hot how a person decides to make drastic changes that effects every part of their life :)) hope you all enjoyed reading!!

P.s what I mean by being unrecognizable is like to compleeeeetly change forms, so that my arms don’t even look the same, so that so much fat grows on my neck and face it makes it not even look like who I used to be, just someone drowning in their own lard, knowing they did it to themselves and knowing they are too physically big to turn it around. That’s unrecognizable.

[seasprincess]

Rosie’s gif fics

MDNI ☆Spencer Reid x Wife!reader

Warnings: smut, dom!Spencer, dirty talk, pet names, short

Spencer’s hand a trail up and down your sides. Grabbing your hips as he moves his. Thrusting into yours making all kinds of noises a man of his intelligence shouldn’t be making. He is down bad for you. Has been ever since the first day you walked into the room all those years ago and laughed at his stupid joke.

He had gone away with work again to catch some bad guy while you had to stay home waiting for him to come back. Some nights it was hard, missing waking up with him next to you. So when Spencer comes home he is sure to make up for his disappearance.

“Feel good sweetheart?” He says before placing a gentle kiss on your neck, his ‘beard’ tickling you slightly. Lips hovering above it before he groans. His thrusting in and out of you feeling so good he doesn’t want to ever stop.

You nod quickly before letting out a moan, looking into the eyes of the man you call your husband. His necklace that you had bought him as a gift that he will never not be wearing is gently hitting your chin.

Spencer’s hand comes up to your ribs as he brings his face closer to yours. Lips above yours before he tilts his head to kiss your lips. His thrusts don’t stop nor slow as he moves his hand to grip your cheek.

He pulls his lips off yours to let out a groan, eyes closing. He loves this, he loves you. God he loves you.

“I’m close baby. You gonna cum with me?” He says which earns a whine and a nod from you. Too blissed out to reply verbally.

Spencer just smirks, gripping your chin tighter as he kisses you again.

“I can feel you tightening around me sweetheart.” Spencer’s words make you moan again. Sometimes the words that come out of that man’s mouth shocks you. You can’t believe this is the same man who once would get all flustered by a kiss on the cheek. He’s definitely changed, his jobs changed.

You love him any way he is. Cause deep down he’s still that nerdy boy who pushed his glasses up his nose every couple minutes.

“I’m gonna cum.” You finally speak up after being practically non verbal for the past five minutes. Your hand grips the man’s bicep as his fingers trail down your body. Going to the place that he knows is going to drive you insane.

His fingers reach your clit, slowly rubbing circles as he smiles against your lips in a teasing manner. He knows how to turn you into a moaning mess in his hands. Took him a couple of years to learn it. But he knows it now. You showed him when you first started dating how too. And he’s just got better with time, perfecting it.

His free hand is placed in yours. Interlocking your fingers. Making this experience more intimate.

“Cum on my cock baby.” Spencer places another kiss softly to your lips. His sweet kiss is completely different to the way he’s thrusting into you. Showing his two personalities in this moment.

With his words you don’t hold back and release. The noises that come out of your mouth are pornographic. Filling the room as you look up him who releases shortly after you. Not wanting to wait any longer.

He helps you ride it out with him before pulling out and laying on his back. Panting that matches yours as he looks up at the ceiling.

Both of you lay there silently for a couple minutes. Just lingering in the events that had just happened. You’re so happened back.

Your hand lands on his chest before slowly moving down further. Spencer chuckles before grabbing your wrist.

Let’s just say that wasn’t the only round of the night.

a/n: i love me a spicy Spencer. not proof read either bbys

[youremyheaven]

as an independent adult, not having to walk on eggshells, i feel so amazed knowing that i have free will and dont have to adjust my micro behaviour in fear that i will trigger or upset anyone. my mom would ballistically scream and threaten to kill me if i looked at her for too long or sat next to her on the couch (this was unpredictable bc sometimes she'd be completely fine with it) and knowing that i have the freedom to walk around my apartment and do as i please and not give a damn about how i sit, or how i walk and have nobody to criticize everything i say or do is just sooooo freeing. i wish every single abused person gets to heal and live a fulfilling life

being abused or neglected really makes it clear how many things are skills that nobody really treats as. skills. exercising autonomy is a skill. listening to your body is a skill. resting is a skill. being liked and being loved are skills. nobody tells you how to do this shit because nobody even told me I was supposed to have learnt these things when I was a kid. I kind of just have to manually figure out what makes me freak out and work from there. unfair as shit

[verstappensrealwife]

… Girlfriend? - Carlos Sainz jr x bimbo!reader

[carlos sainz masterlist  / f1 masterlist] ʚɞ in which... carlos just assumes they're dating ʚɞ fluff ⋆⭒˚.⋆ 700 words ʚɞ warnings: short because I have severe writers block

-୨♡୧-

You were always a little different, and that difference was reflected in your style. It wasn’t just fashion—it was an expression of your personality, a riot of color. Neon pink, light pink, rose, magenta—if it was even a shade of pink, you made it yours. It wasn’t something you’d planned. It just happened, and when your friend-with-benefits, Carlos Sainz, saw you, he couldn’t help but shower you in the same colors. Not because you asked for them—he just did. In exchange, you’d be his constant companion at races, perched on his arm like a trophy wife, in a way.

The two of you had been playing this game for a while. Both of you harbored feelings, but neither one of you wanted to admit it. Carlos had assumed, from the very beginning, that this was more than just a friends-with-benefits thing, that you were already his girlfriend. That was how he’d approached it.

“Well, since you’re my girlfriend, I thought you’d come to a race in March…” he said one day, his eyes searching yours.

“Girlfriend?” You blinked, a bit taken aback.

“Yes?” He stammered, suddenly unsure of everything. “Aren’t you… my girlfriend?”

You laughed lightly, casual, but there was an underlying confusion. “Well, you never actually asked, so… no.”

He froze for a moment, caught in the awkwardness of the situation. Was he supposed to formally ask you out? That felt so old-fashioned. He didn’t know how to handle it, and it showed—he just stared at you blankly, uncertain. Meanwhile, you were blissfully unaware of the discomfort you’d caused, and your mind quickly shifted focus.

“Anyways, I can’t come to your race,” you continued, waving a dismissive hand, “I’ve got coursework to do.”

•

But Carlos wasn’t deterred. No, he had a plan, a big one. February 14th—Valentine’s Day—was the day he had chosen. He had spent hours perfecting every detail: candles, rose petals, the works. It was supposed to be perfect, his moment to make everything official. He invited you over at 6 PM, but of course, you arrived fashionably early, at 5:56.

You knocked on the door, a soft sound that echoed in the stillness. Carlos opened it, and for a moment, he couldn’t even breathe. There you were—dazzling in a tiny slip dress that clung to your figure in all the right ways, red-bottom heels that made your legs look endless, and nails perfectly manicured with a Valentine’s theme. He wasn’t sure if his heart stopped or sped up, but either way, he was stunned.

He ushered you inside, his hands a little unsteady as he pulled you into his arms, expecting the usual kiss. But instead, he gently led you to his bedroom, where the real surprise waited. As you stepped inside, your eyes widened. The room was lit by the soft glow of candles flickering on the windowsill and bedside tables, casting shadows that danced on the walls. Rose petals were scattered across the floor, leading up to the bed, where they rested in a delicate arrangement.

You turned to him, already beginning to speak. “This is really pretty—” But before you could finish, his voice cut in, softer and more vulnerable than you had ever heard it.

“Please… be my girlfriend,” he asked, his voice almost a whisper, like he was afraid of your answer.

You blinked at him, momentarily stunned. Then, a smirk played at the corner of your lips. “Well, duh,” you said, the words slipping out easily. “I thought we already established that when you called me your girlfriend the last time. I just assumed that was your way of asking.” You stepped forward and kissed him, the tension breaking. “Y’know, you’re kinda stupid sometimes,” you teased, running your fingers through his hair.

Carlos was completely dumbfounded, standing there in silence, still trying to process everything. For a brief moment, he couldn’t quite figure out how to respond, but in that silence, you both knew—this moment, this silly, awkward moment, had made everything official. -_-

[hrrtshape]

shifting and manifesting q&a post.

you know the drill. another day, another q&a. i’ve gathered all your burning questions about shifting & manifesting and answered them like i’m hosting a late-night talk show, except instead of celebrity guests, it’s just me, sleep deprivation, and an encyclopedic knowledge of the multiverse. consider this your go-to guide for everything from “why hasn’t it worked yet?” to “can i shift standing up?” (yes, and if you figure out how to do it mid-stride, let me know).

now, let’s get into it. also. this is an open discussion and i will be putting in more and more questions as time goes on.

shifting q&a.

❛❛ how does shifting work? is it something gradual or instant/overnight? shifting is instant. one moment you're here, the next you're there. no in-between, no buffering. just a switch.

❛❛ can i permashift? if you want to, yes. your cr body won’t drop dead, it’ll just exist on autopilot. permashifting is a commitment, but you get to decide what it means.

❛❛ i tried a method and it didn’t work. methods don’t make you shift, you do. stop hyper-fixating on technique and start focusing on the belief that shifting is inevitable.

❛❛ i’m hopeless about shifting and losing hope. you can’t lose hope in something inevitable. shifting is real, it exists, and you can do it. sit with the fact that it’s already yours.

❛❛ i’m struggling. struggle doesn’t mean failure. keep going, keep believing, keep knowing it’s done.

❛❛ i’m impatient. shifting isn’t about patience, it’s about certainty. the second you know it’s done, you’ve already shifted.

❛❛ how to be aware of your dr? awareness = presence. stop doubting, stop overthinking. if you’re there, you’re there. simple.

❛❛ how is lucid dreaming different from shifting? lucid dreaming is control over a dream. shifting is moving consciousness to a real, existing reality. they’re not the same.

❛❛ i’ve gotten to the void but i can’t shift. the void isn’t the destination, it’s the doorway. walk through it.

❛❛ do i have to script? no. scripting is for clarity, not necessity. your intentions are enough.

❛❛ what if i get distracted easily? distractions don’t stop you from shifting. shifting is a knowing, not a concentration game.

❛❛ during the day i’m really excited and when it’s time to shift, i have doubts. excitement means you believe it’s possible. doubts don’t matter unless you entertain them.

❛❛ wait, so all i have to do is go "it's ok. i'm in my dr" and then don't think about it again??? just go about the rest of my day and think nothing more?? yes. it’s called living in the end. stop micromanaging the process.

❛❛ what if i see the people in my dr as fictional? reality is perception. fiction here doesn’t mean fiction there.

❛❛ do time ratios matter between realities? no. your dr follows its own time, its own rules.

❛❛ tips on lucid dreaming and how to shift with it? use lucid dreams as a launchpad. once you realise you’re dreaming, affirm you’ve shifted.

❛❛ any tips on how to keep faith? remind yourself shifting is inevitable. let go of desperation.

❛❛ what should your mindset be? unwavering certainty. shifting is done, you are there.

❛❛ will your dr feel the same // be as realistic as your cr? yes. possibly even more real.

❛❛ is there a thing such as shifting symptoms? symptoms are just your own expectations manifesting. they’re not required. and sometimes it's just your body falling asleep.

❛❛ what about shifting signs? (angel numbers, seeing things that correlate with your dr) if you believe they mean something, they do. if you don’t, they don’t. reality is what you make of it.

❛❛ should i assume from third pov or first? both are fine. you can do first since it's more personal, unless third feels more natural to you.

❛❛ can you shift to dangerous places? yes, but why would you want to?

❛❛ can i have multiple s/os? yes. your dr, your rules.

❛❛ what if i can’t visualise at all? how do i shift without visualisation? visualisation is a tool, not a requirement. belief and intention are enough.

❛❛ what does it actually feel like to shift? is it a fade-to-black, a snap, or something else? different for everyone. could be a snap, a slow transition, or just opening your eyes and being there.

❛❛ can i shift into a world where i don’t exist yet? yes. there's an infinite amount of realities. you can go into any timeline.

❛❛ can i shift to a different race/ethnicity? yes. your dr body is fully customisable. if you want to change your race, height, or even species, go ahead. just remember that identity is more than just aesthetics, if you shift as another race, you will experience the world through that lens.

❛❛ what if i shift somewhere and i hate it? exit. shift back. undo. just leave.

❛❛ can i shift into an animated/cartoon world? yes.

❛❛ if i shift into a dr where i have kids, will i actually love them? yes, unless you're a deadbeat. your emotions in your dr are real. you will feel the same love, attachment, and responsibility as if those kids were born in your cr.

❛❛ can i shift into someone else’s pov? yes.

❛❛ what if i shift somewhere where things are different? your brain adapts. you will instinctively know how to function in that world, whether it’s bending gravity, casting spells, or breathing underwater.

❛❛ can i shift while walking or doing daily activities? yes. people have shifted while listening to music, washing dishes, and even mid-conversation with someone.

❛❛ what if i shift and panic? if you shift and freak out, you can always return to your cr. panic won’t trap you. you’re not locked in.

❛❛ will i bring back memories from my dr? yes.

manifestation q&a.

❛❛ i would like to be present and aware in the void. then decide you are. the void is a state of being, not a place to find.

❛❛ is it difficult to enter the void because i get distracted? distraction is a belief. stop feeding into the idea that it’s hard.

❛❛ what if i get distracted easily? doesn’t matter. the void exists whether you’re hyper-focused or not.

❛❛ what exactly am i supposed to do in the void state? nothing. it’s a state of pure being. exist in it, and intend.

❛❛ any tips on how to keep faith? faith isn’t something to keep. it’s something you live in. affirm or take a break if it feels like too much.

❛❛ what should your mindset be? unwavering certainty. the 3d follows your assumptions.

❛❛ should i assume from third pov or first? i recommend first. you are the creator.

❛❛ what happens when i doubt? doubts only manifest if you let them control you. assume certainty.

❛❛ do i need to work towards getting my desires or will they just appear? they will appear, but inspired action may follow. don’t confuse effort with control.

❛❛ what’s the difference between assuming something and just pretending? assuming is knowing it’s already done. pretending is hoping.

❛❛ if i assume i have something, but it’s not physically there, what do i do? persist. reality conforms to your assumptions, but there’s a lag.

❛❛ why do negative assumptions seem to manifest faster than positive ones? because you believe they do. flip the script.

❛❛ is “living in the end” just lying to myself? how do i do it properly? no, it’s knowing it’s already yours. embody it mentally.

❛❛ can i manifest something for someone else without their permission? probably, but it’s more effective when aligned with their existing beliefs.

❛❛ what do i do if my manifestation is taking longer than expected? does that mean i failed? no. time is irrelevant. persistence is key.

❛❛ if i assume something is mine, but i keep looking for proof, does that ruin it? kinda....yes. looking for proof implies lack. assume and let go.

❛❛ how do i stay consistent when my 3d reality is making me spiral? detach from the 3d. persist in the assumption.

❛❛ can i manifest something i don’t want to happen (by accident)? yes, if you dwell on it.

❛❛ can i manifest a completely different appearance. like, a new face, height, or features? yes. your physical form is as malleable as reality itself.

❛❛ can i change my race/ethnicity with manifestation? yes. just like shifting, loa allows for complete identity transformation. but remember, race isn't just aesthetic. your perception and experiences in the world will shift, too.

❛❛ can i manifest a different voice or accent? yes. people have manifested different vocal tones, speech patterns, and even language fluency.

❛❛ can i manifest someone else's thoughts and actions? you can influence people’s thoughts about you, but they still have free will. manifesting works through your assumptions affecting how the world reacts to you.

❛❛ can i manifest something terrible happening to someone? technically, yes. but that’s a dark path and the energy you put out will reflect back on you. be careful with karma.

❛❛ can i manifest a whole new personality for myself? yes. confidence, extroversion, charisma, it’s all malleable. change the assumption, and the behaviour follows.

❛❛ can i manifest intelligence? yes. memory retention, quick thinking, academic success, it’s all just perception. if you assume you’re naturally brilliant, your mind will adapt.

❛❛ can i manifest a different past? your past memories can shift, but others’ memories won’t always follow. some people have had success with revising events....others find it easier to focus on changing the present and future.

❛❛ can i manifest abilities I don’t have, like playing an instrument? yes.

❛❛ if i assume something and it doesn’t happen instantly, does that mean i failed? no. read more here.

❛❛ how do i stay consistent when my 3d reality is making me spiral? detach. the 3d is old news. if reality is trash, ignore it. focus on your new assumptions, not the mess outside.

❛❛ can i manifest a completely different life overnight? yes. if you assume a full reality shift, everything will align. the challenge is maintaining the belief without doubting.

❛❛ can i manifest money instantly? yes. unexpected checks, job opportunities, random cash finds. it all happens. if you believe money is always flowing to you, it will.

❛❛ what if i feel nothing while affirming? that’s fine. manifesting isn’t about emotion. it’s about assumption. you don’t need to feel ecstatic; you just need to accept it as truth.

[happyk44]

[ID: 1. Text reading: i look in the mirror, i lost my mind a little, i cry on public transport, i walk through a flourescent supermarket, i have slow and confusing dreams at night. you know how it is

2. Text reading: "time wasn't right. it was moving too fast. i was 19, and then i was 20, and then i was 21. like chapters skipped over in a dvd. i told myself 'this isn't normal. this isn't normal. this isn't how life is supposed to feel."

3. A clock hangs off a wall. It glows yellow from an internal light. White text reads, "how is time able to move so fast yet I am not?"

4. Text reading: Suddenly it's December and you're not 17 anymore. And you haven't been 17 for a very long time, but sometimes you need to remind yourself.

5. An empty booth table. A menu rests on either side of the table facing both booth seats. Behind the table is large window with vertical blinds that are mostly pulled shut. It's dark, save for a slight glow off some LED signs to the side. All caps pink text over top the window reads: I AM MY OWN GHOST HAUNTING THE MEMORIES I LOVE THE MOST

6. A white candle that has been melted to the point that the entire middle has been hollowed out. White text over the center of the candle reads: you still crave summer, but you crave summer five years ago

7. A bicycle has fallen over in a field of grass. White text reads: you can go back to the past but no one will be waiting for you there

8. Text reading: It's mortifying to be the one who remembers.

9. Text reading: I DREAM OF THE PAST AS IF IT WERE YET TO COME

10. Text reading: in another universe, me and my friends stay teenagers for a little while longer

11. Four panel comic that reads "I miss my old rituals. But I always miss everything." The first panel is shaded black. The second panel is also shaded black with two white circles that contain text reading, "I miss my old rituals." The word "rituals" is in the second bubble. The third panel shows two white figures. One holds a glass. The second is turned away from the view, but neither have visible faces or features. The final panel is shaded black once more with one white circle that reads, "But I always miss everything."

12. Text reading: It is impossible to say good-bye to the past. (...) Better to leave it alone. Better to let it drift there, at the end edge of sight,

13. Text reading: Memories do not always soften with time; some grow edges like knives.

14. A light-skinned hand reaches up throw extended branches. On the horizon the sun shines bright. Text on the palm reads: it's not the same and it never will be

15. A drawing of a rabbit running. Text reads: KEEP RUNNING COMRADE THE PAST IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU

16. Drawing of a large road. A single car drives along. Two people approach it from the front. Someone further ahead walks across. Another person even further ahead stands on a small grassy strip splitting the road. Text reads: all the places i run to have no room for me

17. Simplistic drawing of a cityscape. The buildings are all in blue with small dots to indicate windows. Text above the buildings read: You'll say "Talks soon?" and I'll know that we won't.

18. A red-haired girl looks at herself in an ornate golden hand mirror.

19. Text reading: You watched your face change in the mirror and you watched your face become ugly and uncertain. You felt alone and sad being you.

20: Text reading: I thought by now I'd feel better.

21. A person walks down a dirt road. Grass mountains and hills surround them. The sky is clear but foggy. Text reads: you haven't been you in a long time

22. Text reading: "I am by myself. The trees are not trees the birds are not birds and I am not me but just something that has been walking for a very long time..."

23. Text reading: I'm nothing but nausea, nothing but reverie, nothing but longing. I'm something very far removed, and I keep going

24. Text reading: I exist, that is all, and I find it nauseating.

25. A figure, drawn in black scribbles, hovers in the air. A gray shadow is beneath them. They say, "I did not expect to be me for an entire lifetime."

26. Text reading: You're always haunted by the idea you're wasting your life.

27. An empty road surrounded by trees. The road is clear but the ground and sidewalk are covered in fallen leaves. Text on top of the road reads: I see my life passing by and i'm standing in the middle of it

28. Text reading: I watched life and wanted to be part of it but found it painfully difficult.

29. A letter that reads:

For: My chest feels hollow and heavy

From: Is this the curse of the clock? Longing for the comfort of the past, and erasing away my present?

30. Text reading: ...and you drink a little too much and try a little too hard. And you go home to a cold bed and think, 'That was fine.' And your life is a long line of fine. /end ID]

This isn't how life is supposed to feel

irsshawty on Pinterest / I Saw The TV Glow / internetfavorite on Pinterest / kiyogakukai on Pinterest / Spotify on Pinterest / ladycranes on Pinterest / micheallasboard on Pinterest / Ryan O'Connell / norhanelhadry474 on Pinterest / @inanotherunivrse on Tumblr / ??? / Charles Wright, Scar Tissue in "Scar Tissue" / Barbara Kingsolver, The Lacuna / Priyer on Pinterest / vangore on X / perfumebathing on Instagram / marvinandrea89 on Pinterest / @hannahlockillustration on Tumblr / stickybaby on We Heart It / lesedimorapeli25 on Pinterest / Jnkskxm on Pinterest / Jeff Vandermeer, Annihilation / Fernando Pessoa, "English Song", A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe: Selected Poems / Jean-Paul Sartre, Being and Nothingness / MrsandMrStyles on Pinterest / Chuck Palahniuk / justgiveittime on Pinterest / Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 6: 1955-1966 / Mary Macdonald, romanticizeaquietlife on Pinterest / Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl /

I accidentally deleted my credits while creating this & struggled to find the original creators again as I had already downloaded all of this content. Some of the credits are towards the original creators, but some are just references to where I was able to find the content after deleting my original credits. Please feel free to correct any of my credits if you see one that is incorrect 🫶🏼

[lilianne-tarot]

PICK A CARD: How Do People Describe You When You're Not Around? ⋆. 𐙚 ˚

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How to Pick Your Pile: Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and look at the images below. Which one pulls you in the most? Trust your gut! Once you choose the image, The number below your chosen image is your pile. If more than one catches your eye, that just means there’s extra tea for you—go ahead and read both!

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Get your own personalized paid reading HERE! it would really help me out!😊🦋

My KO-FI link: HERE🫶🏻

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✮⋆˙Pile I

Cards pulled: The Hierophant, Three of Swords, The Empress, and Three of Wands Reversed.

So first off, people definitely talk about you. And not in a “meh, they exist” kind of way, but in a you leave an impression kind of way. The Hierophant and The Empress together? That’s Big Presence Energy. People see you as someone who either knows their sht* or at least acts like they do. You might be the one that friends or coworkers refer to when they’re like, “So-and-so always has their life together, why can’t I be like them?” Meanwhile, you’re probably spiralling over what to eat for dinner, but hey, it’s the ✨aura✨ that counts.😂

But listen, the Three of Swords tells me there’s a little drama when it comes to how people talk about you. Some people have this perception that you’ve been through heartbreak, betrayals, but instead of falling apart, you channeled it into an untouchable Empress-level glow-up. The Hierophant also tells me that you have this kind of moral authority vibe. Not in a preachy way (hopefully), but in a “They always know what’s right” kind of way. So, people either admire that or get hella intimidated by it. But then—plot twist—the Three of Wands reversed enters the chat, and this is where the gossip gets interesting. Some people describe you as the person with big potential who’s holding themselves back. It’s like, they see you as someone who could do literally anything, but maybe you second-guess yourself, or you have too many “what ifs” running around your head. Some might even get frustrated for you. It’s that “I wish they’d just GO FOR IT” energy. Are people hyping you up behind your back more than they do to your face? Absolutely. And for some of you, this card combo screams unfinished business. Some folks might be talking about what could have been—with you, with a project, with a friendship, with a relationship. It’s giving ex-friends still lurking on your Instagram stories. The energy here says, “They’re doing so well, but I wonder if they ever think about the past.” Someone out there is still narrating a personal rom-com in their head with you as the lost love interest.

Now, listen. If people are talking about you like this, it means you are memorable as hell. And not in a "Yeah, they were nice, I guess" way, but in a “That person changed my perspective” way. You have a natural presence that sticks with people, but because of that, you attract opinions And let’s be real, the people with the Three of Swords drama? Some of them kinda want to be you. Not saying they hate you, but they definitely resent the way you just keep growing Meanwhile, the Three of Wands reversed folks? They’re the ones saying “Ugh, I wish they’d believe in themselves as much as I do.” They are basically your personal unpaid hype squad (and yet, they won’t say it to your face because the universe loves irony).

People describe you as someone who’s got wisdom, presence, and a little bit of mystery. Some admire you, some feel a way about you, and some are still watching you like you’re the season finale of a show they can’t quit. You live rent-free in people’s minds—sometimes inspiring them, sometimes haunting them, but never being forgotten.

Moral of the story? Keep thriving. Keep proving the hype squad right and the haters miserable.

Liked the reading? get your own personalized, super detailed reading HERE!

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✮⋆˙Pile II

Cards Pulled: Three of Cups Reversed, Justice, Three of Pentacles Reversed, and The Hermit Reversed

The energy is so specific I feel like I just eavesdropped on a conversation about you. SO FIRST OF ALL, people DO have opinions about you. And I don’t mean the generic, “Oh yeah, they’re nice” type of opinions. Nah, you spark discussions. You live in people’s minds in a way that makes them randomly remember you while they’re washing dishes like “Ugh, why are they like that?” OR “Damn, I kinda admire them”. It’s that kind of vibe. We also have Justice, meaning that when people talk about you, they often frame it around fairness, consequences, or karma, maybe some of you even have a career in those fields or studying them. Some see you as someone who always gets what they deserve. Others feel like you have a habit of calling people out—even if you don’t say a word, your existence alone makes people feel like they need to hold themselves accountable.

And then, The Three of Cups Reversed and The Three of Pentacles Reversed? Oof. Some people describe you as someone who doesn’t fully “fit in”—not because you’re not social or likable, but because you either choose to keep a distance or people feel like they don’t really get you. There’s an undertone of “they keep to themselves,” You might be in the group but not of the group, if that makes sense. your vibes are giving mysterious, possibly intimidating, but weirdly magnetic. And The Hermit Reversed? This tells me that people don’t actually know what’s going on in your head—but boy, do they try to figure it out. It’s like you have this aura that makes people wonder, “Do they secretly hate us? Are they judging us? Or are they just really introverted and tired?” And listen, this combination SCREAMS that people project onto you. Some folks describe you as someone who’s too detached or too independent, but the ones who say this? They’re usually the ones who struggle with self-sufficiency themselves. Others describe you as too serious, too deep, too different—but those same people probably lowkey admire that you don’t need to be liked by everyone. Look, babe. You give off main character energy but in a cult classic, not a blockbuster. You know those characters people debate about in online forums? The ones that some people worship and others find frustratingly complex? That’s you. You are not someone who fades into the background. People describe you with a mix of intrigue, respect, and mild frustration because you’re not an easy person to label. Some people think you’re too serious, others think you’re too mysterious, but nobody thinks you’re irrelevant.If you ever feel like people don’t understand you, it’s not because you’re unlikeable—it’s because you don’t shrink yourself down to fit into their comfort zone. And honestly? Good. Let them talk. You’ll still be out here thriving in your own lane.

This was just the free reading. get you own personalized, super detailed reading HERE!

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✮⋆˙Pile III

Cards Pulled: 7 of Pentacles, The Lovers Reversed, 7 of Cups Reversed, and 4 of Cups Reversed.

First things first: people think you’re a hard person to read. It’s like they know you’ve got depth, they know a lot is going on in that brain of yours, but they can’t always tell where your head is at. Some might even say you come off as detached, hard to impress, or selective about who you truly engage with. They think you’re the type of person who doesn’t waste time on meaningless connections- that drives some people crazy. With The Lovers Reversed it’s like its “complicated relationships.” Some people describe you as someone who used to be close with them, but isn’t anymore, or they feel like they almost got to know the real you but never quite cracked the code. It’s like you go through these phases where you’re all in with certain people, and then one day? Poof. You’re just... not as available. You change. You grow. And some people are pressed about it. And let’s talk about the 7 of Cups Reversed, because this is hilarious. You know those people who overanalyze everything? The ones who create entire narratives in their heads about situations that probably weren’t that deep? Yeah, those people love to talk about you. They describe you as someone who has “so many options” in life—whether that’s in friendships, career, or even relationships. People assume you have more going on than you actually do because you don’t overshare. They confuse your privacy for secrecy—which is so funny because half the time, you’re probably just chilling in bed rewatching your comfort show. Now, 4 of Cups Reversed This tells me that people see you as someone who used to hesitate, used to second-guess, but is now moving differently. Maybe you went through a phase where you were unsure of yourself, or people remember you from a time when you weren’t as confident, and now they’re shook by your growth. They describe you as someone who figured out what they want. It’s giving “you snooze, you lose” energy. Some people are even salty that you don’t give them the same access you used to.

Look, dear. You are the one who got away—even platonically. They’re lowkey haunted by their last interaction with you, whether it was a convo that didn’t go as expected or just the fact that you outgrew them while they stayed the same.i can see that You’re just not easily impressed by shallow things. You are not an open book, and that frustrates people. The funniest part? Some of the people who describe you in a weirdly intense way are people you barely think about. People describe you as someone who is hard to pin down, constantly evolving, and deeply introspective. Some admire it. Some are shook by it. A few might even wish they still had access to you the way they once did. You’re not the type of person people forget—even the ones who act like they don’t care? They care. You make an impact without even trying. And that? That’s power.

Liked the reading? get your own personalized, super detailed reading HERE!

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Thank you so much for reading all the way through! I hope my reading resonated with you and that you had a lovely time going through it. If you enjoyed it, please like and reblog—it really means a lot! Let me know which pile you chose; I absolutely love hearing your thoughts and feedback on my readings! If my reading resonated you, you may consider buying my paid reading as it would really help me out financially♡

Note: tarot cards provide guidance and possible insights into what could happen based on current energies, thoughts, and actions. the cards can highlight potential paths or outcomes, but they do not fixedly predict the future. this is a general reading so take what resonates!

[whatifitis]

♡ 150 reasons - LN 4 ♡

Summary: 150 reasons why lando loves you

Author's note: idk i thought it'd be nice

CW: literally just fluff

Hi baby!! :D

I saw this trend on tiktok just now and wanted to do it for you. I love you a lot and you know how hard it is for me to show it sometimes. I thought this could be a nice small way to at least show you a bit of how much I love you. My love for you knows no boundaries. <3

P.S. if there’s any misspelings dont say shit cause im dyslexic and you know that :(

Your smile

Your eyes

The way your eyes sparekl all the time

Your rosy cheeks

Your wavy hair (you hate it but u love it)

Your heart

Your brain

Your patience with evrything (including me)

Your honesty

Your inteligence

Your humor

The way you’re always there for anyone. Doesnt mater if u know them well or not

You always listen to people and help them when they need it even if your tired

You challenge me and help me become a better person

You never judge me

You make me feel safe

You believe in me, even when idont

You inspire me everyday whether it’s work related or just life in general

You’ve seen teh good and the bad in me and you still love me

You laugh at all my jokes even if they suck

You’re my best friend (🎶you can hear it in the silence🎶)

You respect my space when i need it, even if i go about it awfully (when writing ‘about it’ i accidentally wrote ‘tit’ :I)

You give the best fucking hugs 

When i get anxious, you always help me, even if it’s just when you sit with me and help me breathe 

You took the time to learn about me and my mental struggles so that you could help me better

You make life so much more better 

You remind me that i’m worth more than i think i do

You chose me

You make me blush and happy

Your music taste is amazing as well (btw i got us tickets to see Noah Kahan)

You’re like my personal google and dictionary

You get along with my family

My mum loves you (i think she loves u more than she loves me ngl)

You get along with max and you mock sometimes and it makes me laugh so much

You stay even if im mean and dont deserve it

You sacrifice a lot

You always put others before you 

You don’t mind my gaming (even when i keep you up late with my screaming)

You always listen to me talk about the things i like 

You hold my hand in public (it sounds stupid but it makes sense ok so shut it) <3

You never give up on me

You bring out the best in me

Max said he hadn’t seen me so happy until i met you

You make me feel lucky to have u

You support my career and stuff even though it gets really hard sometimes

You make the bad days better

You make everyday better as well, not just the bad ones

You never make me feel bad or ashamed about feeling certain ways

You always validate me when i need it

You never lie to me

You always tell me straight up when im the one in the wrong

The way you smell

The way you look when u see me

The way you hold me tight even if i’ve just raced singapore and am sweating out of every crevise

You stay strong for the both of us

Your attitude

Your kisses

You’re always down to play video games with me (IM SORRY FOR IT TAKES TWO I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS HARD)

The way you call me your love

You stand up for me even when im not deserving of it

Your cooking skills

The way you play with my hair

How we’re able to joke with eachother

The way you tell stories

The way you talk in general

How funny you were when telling me about work and snot shot out of my nose 

You match my freak

Your singing (even if its off key sometimes)

You never doubt me

U dont mind my clinginess (sorry about scaring u in the shower the other day as well)

You never tell me to go away

You always communicate with me

You plan things for our future

When you send me vlogs when im away (or even when im home but youre at work)

You make my heart feel full

You’re consistent with loving me. Whether you’re sad or mad or happy or anything, you still love me the same

Youre never too busy for me

The way we can just sit in silence together and do nothing but still have fun

The way you help me pack when im getting ready to travel

The way you pack my favorite snacks for me when im going away for a while

We can share victories together, big or small (lol big or small, ya know, like dicks)

You never make me feel alone

You watch stupid ass movies with me all the time

You dont get mad at me when you try to teach me to play valorant (it’s fucking hard, csgo is better anyways)

The way your face lit up and you started talking faster when you were talking to me about your favorite artist

The way you speak to me so gently when i need it

The way you make a playlist for every mood possible

The way you make a playlist for every book you read, even if the book was bad

How you insist we don’t have enough driving playlists so we always make more

The way you introduce me to new things (i still wont try fish, screw that)

Youre adventurous

You put up with my shananigens

The way you made a million stickers on whatsapp

How you always say ‘i love you’ with the ‘i’

When you tell me goodmorning and goodnight even if youre mad at me

How you help me dress better

How u kiss me in a way that screws me up forever

How you always ask me about my day

How you always put your leg on mine

How you show me how forever feels

How you put up with my stupidity (I REALLY THOUGHT THE MATTRESS WAS GONNA HELP)

You’re gonna be an amazing mum someday

How you spam me with tiktoks

Your laugh is the best sound ive ever heard

Youre beautiful inside and out

How u were able to make me laugh even after i’d poked by hand with a knife when i tried cutting an avocado

How you helped me escape the bed sheet when we discovered my new found claustrophobia

How you always rep mclaren and quadrant merch

How you always make backed goods and make them healthy sometimes so i can still eat them

How when we’re out and you can tell im anxious

And when you realize it you find small ways to ground me like holding my hands or tapping my foot with yours

You love the pictures i put in the new digital frame (you cant lie and say u dont like yassified alonso)

If im hungry in the middle of the night, you join me in snacking or ordering a whole pizza

How you know you’re lactose intolerant but still eat dairy filled foods

And how you lock me out the room when you have to deal with the aftermath of eating dairy

How you're already naming our future children

How you laugh til you cry at 3 in the morning from watching tiktoks 

And waking me up to watch them with you

How you get so excited when talking to me about the last book you read 

How you tell me about the book theories you hear and your own theories (violet’s mom was definitely venin)

How when u find me snacking in the middle of the night, you don’t question it

How we have dance parties in the living room

How you quote random things all the time, especially tiktok sounds

Your love for musicals

How you say “me and boq” every 5 mins

Your unconditional love for not just me, but everyone 

Your love knowing no boundaries

The way you didn’t get scared away when faced with so much hate and shit when we first started dating

Your strength

How you learned the “wait, they dont love you like i love you” thing in different languages

Your high streak on duolingo

Your creativity

Your piano skills

Your love for celsius (although it’s not good for you and you should probably slow down on them :( try coffee instead)

How you and my mum go shopping together all the time

How you’re invited home more than i am…

Your dedication to work

Your work ethic (it’s not the same as the reason above)

Your vast knowledge of everything in Marvel

How you interact with the fans

How you show me off in every way possibel (i might've said this already)

How you help me with quadrant shit

How you give me a room tour anytime youre somewhere new

The light you emit

The way you make everything so much brighter

How you always try to learn new things (we should try tarot reading again, that one was fun and we can scare the shit out of max with it)

The way you never let go no matter what

The way you always give back to people

The way you live everyday like it’s the last

The way you love me and hold onto me

[chaosclover1999]

no but like as some1 who is aromantic tho it's so fucked up how uncomfortable ppl even within the queer community r w this sometimes

like the assumption that romantic relationships r somehow more meaningful than platonic relationships and the idea that if people who hav no romantic feelings for each other hav a sexual or otherwise intimate relationship then that must mean they r using each other, it's legit so aro-phobic and assumes that any relationships i hav that r more authentic 2 me and how i love is somehow lesser and me using the other person and it only seeks to guilt me into either pretending to have romantic attraction and force myself into a comp-romo relationship or 4 me 2 not hav any relationships in my life at all and completely self isolate

tbh it also affects how i talk abt the relationship i do hav, im in a qpr w another man and i love him very much, personally i would feel the most comfortable referring 2 him as my friend since the most accurate way i could describe what we hav is a very deep and intimate friendship (that yes is also sexual sometimes) but when referring 2 him in conversation w most ppl i usually refer 2 him as my "boyfriend" instead of my "friend" since the term boyfriend 2 most ppl is what indicates the level of dedication and love i have for this man whereas most people if i called him my friend would simply not understand how deep my feelings for him go and would be thinking of something far more casual than how i actually feel about him (not that there's anything wrong with casual of course that's just not accurate 2 my feelings in this relationship)

i think in some way it's also a way of protecting myself, my partner and dear friend would not be allowed to come into doctors appointments w/ me if i referred 2 him as my friend when explaining 2 the doctor who he is 2 me, so i refer 2 him as my boyfriend, this is necessary 4 my feelings of safety and comfort since i hav a lot of medical trauma and don't feel safe being on my own w a doctor, also it's necessary 4 my safety as a disabled person who's disabilities effect my ability 2 understand things ppl say 2 me, my friend can explain 2 me what the doctors r saying in terms i am able 2 understand but the doctors even if they did try (they don't) wouldn't b able 2 explain things 2 me in a way that made sense 2 my brain and meant that i would hav a full understanding of what they were suggesting being done 2 my body in terms of medical care simply bc of them not knowing me personally and not knowing how my mind works and how my ability 2 understand things works

i think a lot of ppl who r alloromantic don't understand/think abt how truly enforced the idea of romance is and how dystopian it is that that's seen as a requirement, 4 example the fact that a person's legal rights regarding their partner changes if they r married 2 them, my friend likely would not b allowed 2 c me in the hospital if i were unconscious and it would just b me and the doctors all bc of us not being married, it doesn't matter 2 the law how deep our relationship goes and how i am far more comfortable trusting him than a doctor, what matters to the law is our inability 2 perform romance and our lack of interest in performing monogamy, idk it's smth i think abt a lot

having sex with your friends is so very normal please stop poisoning the youths minds with shame surrounding hooking up with your friends. especially if you’re gay

[lifeasadorkwithnolife]

Protect You

Word Count: 3200

Azriel has always gone out of his way to keep Y/N out of harms way, but Rhys sends her on a mission anyway.

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Azriel and you weren’t exactly on the best of terms, despite the fact that you had been a part of the inner circle for centuries- he rarely spoke to you. At first it really hurt your feelings, was it something you did? But after the years passed you learned that sometimes you can’t change a male’s opinion, no matter how many times you tried.

               It was just another normal day at the house, you and Nessa were occupying chairs across from each other, reading in silence. Although your primary job was writing down Prythian’s true history, you still loved the library and reading all the books the house had to offer. You were never really adept for the front lines, no matter how much training Rhys put you through.

 The library was aglow from the setting sun from the large windows, and you felt the warmth on your face as you read. You could honestly stay like this forever. You and Nessa had a unique friendship- despite her forceful resistance to joining the inner circle and stubbornness to admit that sometimes she was wrong, you two had gotten along well.

               “Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever find a male like the ones we read about.” Nessa sighs, dropping the book in her lap. “They are just so…. In tune to their lovers’ feelings- I’ve personally never witnessed that before.”

               “I’m sure there are some males like that.” You smiled, meeting her dark eyes. The thought of Cassian crossed your mind, and the love for her that he wore openly on his shoulder. “At least you have a few centuries to find it now.”          

               “Yes, thank the cauldron.” Nessa rolled her eyes, pulling her book back up to eye level. After a few moments, she lowered it to meet your eyes. “Have you talked to the shadow singer lately?”

               Your eyebrows rose, and you set down your book, sitting up a bit. “You know me and Azriel don’t talk- what do you mean?”

               You were right- you and Azriel did not talk, if anything, he actively avoided talking to you at every opportunity. “I just feel at times- that you two might be a good couple, but I could be wrong.”

               “I promise you- you’re wrong. Azriel is the last person I could ever imagine being with.” You laughed, picking up your book. “I don’t believe he even has feelings- much less for me. But speaking of males- what about you and Cassian, have you ever thought about it?”

               “I’ve definitely thought about Cassian, but I am not sharing those thoughts with you.” Nessa laughed, throwing a pillow towards you. “He’s insufferable, but I can’t help who I’m attracted to-“

               “Y/N, the high lord has requested you.” You heard a deep voice behind you and nearly jumped out of your chair. Azriel was standing in the doorway, shadows slowly snaking up his arms. You had never seen him in this light, his skin was almost glowing, he was breathtaking. You froze in place, admiring the swirls of tattoos up his arms and leading into places that you wish you could see. Caldron, why couldn’t you control yourself. “Did you hear me?”

               “Yes, yes Az I heard you. Sorry, I’ll be right there.” You sighed, moving the blanket and getting up to slowly stretch. You had anticipated spending the whole day reading, so your outfit wasn’t exactly…. appropriate. You reached up to stretch, feeling the fabric of your shirt lift up past your navel. You heard the loud footsteps of the male walking away, and you sat back down.

               “You are down so bad for him, Y/n.” Nessa muttered, “I don’t know who you’re lying to, but it’s definitely not me. You should have seen the way that male looked at you just now...like he's starving."

               “I’m not lying to anyone- and I’ll be back as soon as I find out what our ‘high lord’ requests of me.” You laugh, throwing her pillow back and placing your bookmark. "And there is no way he looked at me like that, you've been reading too many of those books."

------------------------------------------------------------

               “Would you feel comfortable going to the Spring Court?” Rhysand asks, tapping his finger against his chin as he stares at the excessively large map on the table. “I feel like it would really be helpful to get a sense of the…attitudes of the population there. I don’t feel like our high lord of the spring court is doing a great job with moral.”

               “Of course, anything you need.” You replied, “When do you need me to go?”

               “I was thinking today, if possible.” Rhys looked at you, “if that’s okay with you.”

               You nodded, looking at the map. “It should only be a couple days- but you’re well known here. You should probably wear a disguise and make this as discreet as possible. The last thing I need is you getting caught.”

               “I can handle that,” You smiled at Rhys, you two had been through so much over the years. When he went under the mountain, you were sure that you were going to lose your mind, Azriel and Cassian had lost theirs. “I promised you when you came back- I will do anything it takes to keep you here and keep Velaris safe.”

               Rhys nods, then his head perks up. “Go pack your things.” You nodded, turning and leaving the room. After a quick walk down the hall, you remembered the book that you had left sitting on the desk. You quickly turned to grab it, but as you placed your hand on Rhysand’s door handle you heard the hush voices of Rhysand and Azriel.

               “You cannot send her out there.” Azriel growled, his voice low. “We have spies for this very reason.”

               “Y/N will be just fine Azriel, she’s a big girl and can handle herself.” Rhysand chuckled; you could hear the smirk in his voice.

               “She’s going to get herself hurt out there, just let me handle it.” Azriel insisted, but Rhys didn’t reply. “it’s going to drive me crazy out, you know that right? Knowing that she’s out there in the spring court, and I’m stuck here and can’t do a thing about it? She’ll ruin everything!”

               You shook your head, ire filling your veins. How dare he? You rarely, if ever, go on missions. Sure, you weren’t as strong as Cassian or Azriel, and sure, you weren’t as experienced at combat or using your powers as them, but you were still useful- especially at reading emotions. You hesitated, removing your hand from the handle, torn between throwing open the door and ripping Azriel a new one, or going back to your room to cry.

               The decision was made for you when the door was opened, and Azriels dark eyes bore into yours. “Eavesdropping now?”

               “Fuck you.” You spat, looking between him and Rhysand. “I know that you think I’m weak- that I’m incompetent, but I can assure you I’m not. I can handle myself just fine.”

               “That’s not what I’m saying Y/N,” Azriel tried to interrupt, but you held up your hand.

“I’m going, and I’m not going to ruin anything okay? I will die before I ever let Tamlin get his hands on me or give up anything about this court. Despite the fact that you don’t seem to think I can handle myself.” He went to speak again, and you stopped him, “I’m packing my things, I just came back to grab this.” You stormed past him, grabbing your book off the desk.

               An emotion quickly crossed Azriel’s face, which he quickly concealed. “You’re right- I don’t believe you can handle it. Just stay here in that little library with Nessa and I’ll get this handled. The first time danger comes your way- you won’t be able to handle it. Let me handle it.”

               You stared at him, dumbfounded. “I’m glad I know how you truly feel Azriel, but I don’t care.” You walked away, storming down the hall, a middle finger pointing back at him.

--------------------------------------------------

               The spring court was… and absolute disaster. The territory was chaos, fae ran rampant and there seemed to be no order- even Tamlin’s guard was nowhere to be found. You sat in the attic of one of the only buildings that wasn’t burnt down and wrote in a journal that you would be bringing back to Rhysand- hopefully all the details would help.

               “Whos’ up there?” A gruff voice shouted, and you heard a loud bang as the floor from under you collapsed. You fell, crashing to the lower floor in a pile of hay. The breath left your lungs in a whoosh, and the pain from the fall echoed across your back. “Who are you? Why are you hiding?”

               You couldn’t respond, still waiting for the breath in your lungs to return. “Who are you?” The man shouted, sending a kick towards your stomach. You rolled over, coughing up whatever air was left. A gasp escaped your mouth as you tried to breathe in whatever your lungs would allow.

               The notebook was ripped from your hands, and the male started to read. You looked up at him through the haze of dust that floated around you due to the ceiling falling in, and although you could not read his facial expressions super clearly- you understood that you were screwed. You tried to quickly get up to make a run for it, but after one step you found that your ankle was severely bent in the wrong direction. The pain shot up your leg and you winced.

               “Well well well…” The man stated, “I’m sure my high lord would love to see you, the friend of the high lord who stole his bride.”

               You shook your head, but he pulled you up, and another male took your other arm. They tugged you out of the building, into the open clearing outside. Fae froze in their tracks, either holding baskets of vegetables, linens, or whatever else could be traded, they all froze to stare at you.

               You tried to remember whatever moves Cassian had showed you, but with a bad ankle, even if you could get out of this hold, there would be nowhere to go. You couldn’t give up any information, that was just not an option. The words you had told Azriel only a few days before came back to you- you would rather end your life, than give away any information about the night court.

               You knocked your head back, feeling the pang as your head hit the man in the lower jaw. His grip loosened ever so slightly, and you were able to turn and throw a punch at the first man, right in the eye. You felt the warmth around your hand and knew that you had severely injured him, possibly puncturing his eye. You tried to run, but your ankle wouldn’t allow it and you fell to the ground. The male came running back towards you, his eye shut and already swelling.

               You took the knife out of your sack, knowing what you had to do, there was no way that you would win this fight. You held the knife out, aiming it towards your chest, when a gust of dark wind picked it up and tossed it aside.

               One minute the men were coming towards you, the next they were backing away, hands in the air as they nearly tripped over themselves. You felt the air change around you, a familiar scent entering your nose, and you knew who it was- it was Azriel.

               Two knives flew towards the men, entering each of their chest with no issue. You sighed, leaning back into the ground and placing your hands over your face, not being able to help the tears filing your eyes. You felt two strong hands pick you up, and start walking you towards the forest.         

               “Did Rhys send you out here?” You sniffled, not being able to help it. “Did he assume I couldn’t do it?”

               “No, of course not.” Azriel replied, looking down at you, an expression you didn’t recognize on his face. “Please- don’t cry.”

               “Don’t tell me what to.” You mumbled, wiping your eyes with the back of your hands. “Just take me home- please.”

               Azriel nodded, winnowing you both back to the winter house.

--------------------------------------------------

               Your ankle was healed, but you refused to leave your room. You told Nessa you just didn’t feel well, but it was the shame in the pit of your stomach that you had afraid to leave. Rhys sent you on a secret mission, once of the most basic missions he could have asked, and you still fucked it up. Azriel was right.

               A knock sounded on the door, and you grumbled, turning over in bed. “Go away.” You mumbled, but the door opened anyways. “Nessa, please I’m not in the mood.”

               The door shut, and you turned to see… Azriel standing in the doorway. He had a book in one hand and a glass in the other, filled with water. “Are you here to rub it in? To tell me you were right?” You turned back over, slumping in bed.

               You felt the end of the bed sink as he sat, and placed the book and water on your nightstand, the book that you were reading when Rhys sent you off. “Y/n- I just want to talk.”

               “I don’t want to talk to you.” You whispered, staring at the setting sun outside the window. “You have had literal centuries to talk to me, but you haven’t, what’s changed?”

               “I came to say I’m sorry.” Azriel sighed, “I’m not very good at admitting that I’m wrong, but it’s something I’m working on.”

               “No Azriel, you weren’t wrong.” Tears stung your eyes again, and you sat up to face him. “You’re never wrong, and that’s the problem. You said I couldn’t handle it, you said I would ruin everything, and I did.”

               “No, you didn’t.” Azriel grabbed your hand, squeezing it. You froze, you had always wanted to feel him like this, always wanted to grab his hand, but had always been too scared- he would have never had welcomed it. “I need to be honest with you, and I’m going to say this once. You can reject me or push me away and I will never ask again- but please just hear me out now.”

               “Fine.” You whispered, wiping the tear from your eye. He stared earnestly at you, his eyes open and unguarded for the first time. He shook his head, looking away. “Just tell me.”

               “I can’t tell you when you’re crying- I can’t stand it.” He released your hand, standing up and turning towards the window, his back to you. “Y/N, I never believed you couldn’t handle it, I never believed that you would fail- but I just could not stand the possibility that it was a possibility.”

               “What are you talking about Azriel?” You asked, but he refused to turn around.

               “The reason Rhys doesn’t send you on missions, the reason he doesn’t put you in danger, is because he owes me one.” Azriel said, his hands folding behind his back. “Knowing that you are in danger, knowing that you are somewhere I can’t protect you- I can’t get anything done, I can’t be productive, and my shadows don’t agree with it either. It literally drives me fucking crazy Y/N.

               He turns to you, his eyes wide open, almost crazed. You could recognize his expression now, it was fear. “The whole time you were there, I watched those men watch you. It wasn’t any fault of yours, it was just pure luck. You did so well.”

               “Wait- you were there? The whole time?” You shouted, ripping off the covers and revealing your pajamas. “Wow- you must really not have trusted me, you just assumed I would fuck it up.”

               “Are you not listening to what I’m saying?” Azriel shouted, running his hands through his disheveled hair. “I cannot live knowing that you are in danger! Rhysand knew full well that I would not be able to sit here idly by as you risked your life out there, without me there to protect you in case things went wrong. Y/N, I can not live without you, you must see that.”

               The bed groaned under your weight as you sat back down, unsure of the words. “Y/N, please. I told you I would tell you once. I cannot ever- ever- put you in a situation where you are unsafe. If it were up to me, you would be in this fucking house all day reading your books, and I would work twice as hard just so you wouldn’t have to.”

               “I know its unreasonable, I know it’s crazy, but some instinctual part of me just can’t let you put your life at risk.” He whispered, moving to the floor and kneeling, grabbing your hands. “Your work here is important, just as important as fighting on the front lines. Please- for me, just stay here.”

               “Why do you feel this way Azriel?” You asked, pulling your hands from his. “no offense- but you have spent the last 2 centuries avoiding me at every opportunity. I have tried to be friends, I have bought you books I thought you might like- hell, I still even go to that stupid bakery and buy you a cake on your birthday every year- but you still don’t talk to me. And now you come around and ask me to keep myself out of danger? I need a good reason Azriel.”

               “I love you, Y/n.” Azriel shouts back, grabbing your hands back. “From the day I met you, I have loved you. I love you when I watch you read your books, I love you when you laugh with everyone BUT me, I love you when you stare at the night sky. And how was I supposed to tell you when you’ve made it so painfully obvious you could never love me?”

               Azriel stopped, clearing his throat and backing up. “But now I understand, you don’t feel the same. Just please keep yourself safe- if not for my sake, then yours.”

               “Azriel- stop, please.” You whispered, more tears coming to your eyes. “I…I have always hated when you left too.” You looked at him, and he turned to look back at you. “I have looked at other males and found myself comparing them to you- every single time. It hurt me so much when I overhead what you and Rhys said about me. I’ve always known that I’m not as strong as you or Mor, but hearing my worst fears confirmed-‘

               “I didn’t mean what I said.” Azriel interrupted, giving you a small smile. “I was trying to find any reason for you not to go- or at least send me with you. You can handle yourself- but I can’t handle myself while you do. I heard what you said about me and you never working out, I was angry about that and angry at him, I just wasn’t in control of my emotions.”

               “Please don’t accept any more missions from that asshole.” Azriel grew serious, his eyes darkening with anger. You grabbed his hand, squeezing it slightly, nodding. “I know you feel like you can’t say no, but just tell him to fuck off.”

               You laughed, choking on the tears. “I’m not going to tell him that Az.” You whispered, you went to touch his face, then hesitated a couple inches away. He moved his face towards your hand, and you cupped his cheek. His stubble grazing your palm, and butterflies filling your chest. “You…really feel that way?”

               “I swear it to you.” Azriel, covered your hand in his. “If you let me, I will spend every day protecting you for the rest of my life.”

               You nodded, and you felt the relief in the breath he exhaled. “I love you too Azriel.”  

[solxamber]

For the Valentine’s Day event

Cater, Romantic, APT. by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars.

Specifically the lyrics

“Kissy face, kissy face sent to your phone, but I'm trying to kiss your lips for real”

Always excited for your content!

And don’t overwork yourself! :D

"Don't you want me like I want you" || Cater Diamond

𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐲 𝐕𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐞'𝐬 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭

𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐠: APT. by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 760

𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐬: Mutual pining, Friends to Lovers

It starts, like most things with Cater, as a joke.

A playful nudge here, a winking emoji there — an endless game of Are we? Or aren’t we? that neither of you have ever bothered to define.

You’re both out of NRC now, graduated and trying to figure out what adulthood means — which, for you, seems to be juggling work, friendships, and whatever this is with Cater.

It’s never been serious, not really.

Because Cater doesn’t do serious. He’s all smiles and filters and perfectly crafted captions. He’s the kind of person who knows exactly how to flirt without ever letting it get too real, like love is something that only happens on the other side of a camera lens.

But then there’s you.

And, well… you like to push buttons.

It’s a game between you.

A push and pull, a dance along the line of something real—so close to crossing, but never quite.

The stolen moments stretch between you: a lingering touch when you pass him something, a glance that holds too long before one of you looks away. The way your voice gets softer when you say his name, like it’s something precious, something that belongs only to you.

And Cater… Cater tells himself it’s fine.

It’s fine if you never say anything, because he’s good at this. At pretending. At keeping things light and easy, at making sure no one ever sees the part of him that wants.

But sometimes, it gets hard.

Like when you call him late at night, your voice warm and sleepy, saying, “Hey, you’re still up, right?”—and he always is, even when he wasn’t before.

Or when you lean into his space without thinking, close enough that he could just tilt his head and—

But no.

You don’t cross the line.

So he won’t either.

Until one afternoon, when the line between flirting and something more starts to blur.

It’s one of those lazy Sundays — the kind where the sky’s too blue and the breeze too warm to do anything productive. You’re at Cater’s place, sprawled out on his couch, scrolling through your phone while he fiddles with the playlist.

“Hey,��� he calls from the other side of the room. “What do you think of this one?”

A sultry beat hums from the speakers — something slow and sweet, a little too romantic for a playlist that's supposedly just background noise.

You raise an eyebrow. “Feeling a bit sappy today, Diamond?”

Cater winks. “What can I say? I’m a man of many layers.”

You roll your eyes but your heart skips a beat — because that’s what he does to you. Makes you laugh, makes you want, makes you wonder if this little game you’re playing is ever going to end.

He flops down next to you, close enough that his thigh brushes against yours. He’s still grinning, but there’s something else in his eyes — a flicker of something that makes your stomach flip.

“You know,” he says, voice light but careful, “for all the kissy face emojis you send me… kinda rude you’ve never actually kissed me.”

Your brain short-circuits.

It’s not like Cater hasn’t said things like this before — he’s always toeing the line, always dangling his words just far enough out of reach that you can’t grab onto them.

But this time feels different.

This time, his voice is a little too soft. His smile is a little too real.

And maybe it’s the playlist or the lazy afternoon sun or the weeks of almost piling up in your chest — but before you can stop yourself, you lean in.

And kiss him.

Not a quick peck. Not a flirty brush of lips.

A kiss. Slow, lingering — the kind that tastes like every unsaid word between you.

For a second, Cater doesn’t move. His brain seems to short-circuit just like yours did, frozen with wide eyes and parted lips.

But then — oh.

Then his hand slides to your waist, his other hand tilting your chin up as he kisses you back, just as slow, just as deep.

And it’s not a joke this time.

When you finally pull away, breathless and a little dizzy, Cater just stares at you.

“Uh,” he says, voice hoarse, “was that… to prove a point or…?”

You burst out laughing, forehead dropping to his shoulder. “Shut up.”

He’s laughing too, but there’s a softness to it now — a sweetness underneath the usual teasing. His fingers are still resting on your waist, like he’s afraid to let go.

“So…” he starts again, and for once, his voice wavers. “Are we… still just flirting, or…?”

You tilt your head, biting your lip — the same playful glimmer in your eyes. “I don’t know, Diamond. Wanna kiss me again and find out?”

Cater laughs, breathless. “Yeah,” he whispers. “Yeah, I think so.”

You grin, and it’s the same smile he’s always loved—the one that makes him feel like the world isn’t so scary after all.

And this time, when he leans in, he doesn’t hesitate.

Masterlist ; Valentine's Event

[hufflepuffsthunderdome]

Flustered pt. 2

sub!Schlatt x fem!reader Summary: Schlatt and reader go on their date and is desperate to take anything you'll give him, even if it's just a torturous footjob under the table and a denied orgasm. Warnings: swearing, public sex, m!masturbation, fantasising, footjob, kinds cbt, heel kink? Schlatt's a bit of a perv A/N: Part 2 of this! There will be a part 3 soon cause I write too much Lovely ppl who were interested in pt 2: @sleepdepr1v3d @olive823 @invadermeweatsshart @lilalovesmotley @imgayandvoreethatsall @imsotiredrnlol @schlattslonghairytoes @the-slimebox @nagisasugino

You look like a vision, an angel sent from heaven, to torture Schlatt personally. You brush your hair off your shoulder, smiling back at the cab driver, nodding a polite thanks while you swing your legs out, heels hitting the sidewalk. You straighten out your dress as you stand, fixing the top slightly where it slid down, covering back up the red lace below it. The black, satin dress falls long down your legs, hugging your hips and waist as you twist them gently to smooth out the fabric.

Schlatt pushes off the wall he had been leaning on, waiting for you, and moves through the crowd of people littering the sidewalk to get to you, bumping into a few people as he does so.

"Y/N," he calls out, cursing himself at the way his voice shakes with nerves as he gets your attention. You turn and beam up at him and he feels his anxiety melt away when he sees your pretty smile, making his way towards you.

You smile, wide and happy when he gets close to you, "hi Jay," you breathe against his neck as you pull him down for a hug, "you look so nice." He had gotten himself a bit dressed up, wanting desperately to impress you. Nice tan, corduroy jacket, his one pair of good black jeans, forgoing the hat for the rare time he's willing to use some hair product. "You look so good when you try," you say as you pull away, keeping your hands on his shoulders as you scan him up and down, "even when you don't try," you say as you grin at him, giving him a sly wink and a coy shrug.

His heart flutters in his chest as he mumbles out a stuttered thanks, both shrinking under your gaze and inflating with pride at your compliment. He tries desperately to find the words to say how gorgeous you look, but you're taking his hand in yours, wrapping your small hand around his as you lead him into the restaurant, and he can't think of anything at all right now.

He just follows, trying to ignore the way your soft palm feels against him, the way your heels click on the tiles as you enter the building, the way your ass sways gently, hugged by your dress.

"Do you have a reservation?" the man at the host stand asks, flipping through his book of names, doing an almost cartoon double take when he looks up and makes eye contact with you.

Schlatt shy's away from you a bit when he sees the way the man is eying you, he's not one to feel shy like this usually but he can't but feel like he doesn't deserve to be standing next to a goddess like you in this moment. You take note, giving him a reassuring smile as you give the man your name, pulling Schlatt closer to you as you rub your thumb across the back of his hand.

He feels pathetic for the way his cock twitches in his jeans at the gesture. He has to bite his lip to stop the giddy laugh that he feels bubbling in the back of his throat. He doesn't know how you manage to make him feel every emotion at the same time but it becomes so overwhelming sometimes he just wants to laugh.

You turn and smile at him as you lean against the greeter's stand, he feels like the entire room has vanished around him as he smiles back. In a moment of boldness that he can't quite place, he shifts his hand, interlocking his fingers with yours, letting out a sigh of relief when you give his hand another gentle squeeze.

"Your table's not quite ready," the man says, eyes darting down to your chest as you roll your eyes subtly, "just take a seat over there." He points you and Schlatt over to one of the couches near the door, when you sit down and wait for your table to be ready.

It's only when you sit down, crossing one leg over the other that he notices the slit in your dress. He stumbles as he sits next to you, almost missing the seat as he keeps his eyes focused on the exposed skin of your thigh. It would be so easy to pull you up in his arms, hold you against him as he runs his palms along your soft skin, he feels his mouth water as he clenches his fist at his side.

He hears the sharp click of your manicured fingers as you snap playfully at him, moving your hand up towards your face as his gaze follows, locked on your fingers, until he's met with your surprised expression. He feels like a dog, a pet who's obeying your command, looking where you tell him too, as your expression turns to a knowing smirk. He looks away flustered, shifting to try to adjust his hard cock in his pants, feeling his stomach clench with need when he hears your seductive laugh next to him.

You don't even need to say anything and he's already whipped.

You take mercy on him when you see how genuinely flustered he is, feeling the warmth grow in your chest as you see the effect you have on him. Your little game is fun, makes you insanely wet every time you manage to get him like this, but you can't help but feel a little bad.

That second of mercy you're willing to grant him vanishes when you see his tongue dart out to wet his lips as his gaze drifts to your chest. Yeah fuck it, you think, this is too fun.

"How've you been since you were in LA?" you ask politely, hand running down your stomach as you smooth out the fabric, smiling up at him as you watch him swallow hard. His Adam's apple bobs as he tries desperately to keep his gaze respectful, all while your only thought is how satisfying it would be to sink your teeth into the side of his neck, leave him with a real pretty mark he'll be unable to hide.

"I-I've been good," he replies, wiping his palms on his jeans as his control falters and his eyes snap down briefly to watch your hand run down the fabric of your dress that covers your stomach, "same old, same old."

You smile at his mumble and nod, chewing your lip briefly before you continue, "that's good, I'm glad," your hand continues it's movement down your body, adjusting the fabric of your dress at your sides, "I love when you guys all get out to film the podcast but I miss getting you alone."

"Really?" he asks, eyes snapping up to your face watching you in surprised awe when you tell him that.

You smile up at him, eyes snapping down to your hand as it makes it's way to the exposed skin of your thigh. You feel your panties get damp as you watch his eyes leave your face and follow your hand, his eyes intense and desperate as he mentally undresses you. Dragging teasingly down your leg as you bend over slightly, pushing your chest out slightly as you smile up at him sweetly, adjusting the strap of your heel. "Of course," you say, "you're my favourite after all."

His eyes are stuck on your hand, watching as your delicate fingers undo the thin strap of your heel, buckling it with practiced ease. He can't help the way his lips part slightly, breathing getting heavier as he admires your hands, pretty red nails a stark contrast against the black heels, matching the lace he got a glimpse of under your dress. He wants to see them wrapped around his cock, blood red nails wrapped around his aching length as you work him up and down. He feels his cock twitch as he imagines how good your soft hands would feel, slick with spit, wrapped tightly around him, covered in his cum if you let him finish. God he'd beg you to let him finish.

You make your way to your table when it's ready, walking through the large expanse of tables in the restaurant towards the back, up a set of stairs that winds up to a second floor. It's quieter up there, soft piano music playing in the warmly lit room, emerald green velvet booths tucking each of the few tables away privately. Only one other table is occupied, an elderly couple who smile politely when you both pass, their plates nearly empty as they eat.

"I'll bring a water for your table," your waitress says as you sit down in the booth, Schlatt sliding in opposite you eyes never leaving yours, "please feel free to look at the menu's in the meantime."

You say thanks, giving her a polite nod and picking up your menu, and scanning over your options. Schlatt keeps his eyes locked on you, watching you as you read the menu, face drawn in concentration. He admires the way your mouth moves subconsciously as you read, mouthing the words to yourself as you go, the small line in between your drawn in eyebrows that he desperately wants to reach over and run his thumb along. The dim lighting of the low hanging bulb above you casts your face in shadow as you read, hair falling in front of your face as your eyes scan the page. He feels his breath hitch when you look up at him, eyebrows raised in question, eyes wide as you gaze up at him as he stares at you.

"Y/N," he breathes as he gazes at you, watching your expression soften as your hand shifts on the table, his own hand moving towards yours, "I-"

He jumps away from the table slightly when the waitress seemingly materialises out of thin air, shrinking embarrassingly as he hears her laugh at his surprise. She sets the water down on the table pulling out her notepad as she asks for your order.

"I'll get a glass of your house red and your fettuccine carbonara," you say, smiling up at her as you fold up your menu, "and he'll get a rib eye, medium rare and... do you have diet root beer?" she shakes her head, "just a root beer then."

He stares at you in awe as you reach over and take his menu from his stunned hand, handing them to the waitress with a sweet smile before turning back to him, "I hope that sounds ok."

He just nods dumbly, brain struggling to fire back up as he watches the easy confidence you project as you lean back in your chair, taking a sip from your glass of water. "I couldn't have gotten a beer?" he asks as he forces a choked chuckle out.

You shake your head as you smile against your glass, lowering it from your lips to reveal the red stain left around the rim, "I need you totally sober for me tonight."

"Holy fuck," he moans as his hand pumps his cock, holding the door to the small bathroom shut as he leans against the sink, grip desperate as he works himself quickly. Dear god he needs you to tell him what to do like that, he'd follow blindly your every demand if it means you'd smile prettily like that down at him, he'd do anything you ask.

Your red lips and the stain you left on your glass are imprinted on his mind. He wants to be able to look down and see the soft red prints of your lips staining his body, wake up and see them staring back at him in the mirror as a reminder of you, how good he knows you'd feel.

He's finishing quickly, embarrassingly so, ropes of cum shooting up his body as he fumbles to pull his shirt out of the way so he doesn't stain it. Leaning back against the sink he pants as his grip on his cock remains tight, stroking himself as his orgasm racks his body enough to make his legs shake.

"You took a while," you taunt as you smirk at him when he walks back out from the bathroom, back towards the table, "you ok?"

His face flushes red as he nods, sliding back into the booth as he fiddles with his napkin, avoiding your intense gaze. He knows he's not being subtle, fidgeting with his belt as his sensitive cock twitches in his jeans, breathing growing heavier under your stare. You're staring a hole through him, he knows you know what he's just done, how desperate he is for you.

"Do you often go run off in the middle of a date?" you smirk, biting your lip as you watch his blush deepen as he attempts to stutter out a clarification for his confusion at your words. "what? you don't think this is a date?" you ask sweetly, foot sliding across the floor to rest against his as you lean against your hands, stare unwavering as he fumbles to find his words.

"I-I didn't - I - I mean I," he fumbles out, hands clenched tightly in his lap as he finally turns to meet your stare, breath hitching at the domineering look in your eyes.

"Surely you can tell by now," you purr as you let your food slide up his leg, heel pressing gently against his calf, "how badly I want you."

His cock twitches to life again at your words, breathing heavy as he feels the pressure of your foot against his leg. He feels himself twitch in his pants at your admission, precum leaking from his tip again as he strains painfully against his pants, shifting in his seat to alleviate the pressure.

"I know you want me too," you continue, tongue darting out to wet your lips as you yourself shift in your seat, feeling your panties flood with arousal as you watch him squirm, "you're not very subtle."

He mumbles out an apology as he reaches for his glass, trying to distract himself from the pressure that is travelling up his leg. He lets out a sharp gasp before he can stop himself as he feels the sharp toe of your stiletto dig into his thigh as he attempts to drink, hands shaky as he tries to stop the liquid spilling out as he trembles. He inhales sharply, when he feels you apply pressure to his inner thigh, bringing the glass up to his lip to distract himself from the way his cock throbs painfully.

He watches you across the table, biting your lip as you watch him squirm, a soft whimper escaping his lips when he feels you press down harder, shifting your foot closer to his bulge, heat rising to his face as he flushes embarrassedly. He gulps down the saliva pooling in his mouth as he watches you, feeling his breath stutter as he sees the devilish grin spread across your face. Fuck please, he silently begs, willing you to touch him, even if it's just your heel against his bulge, he needs it.

The moan he lets out is downright pathetic when he feels you finally press your heel against his bulge, dropping his head to watch your foot in his lap as he tries to control his breathing. He's panting now, loud in the near silent room as he watches you work your heel against him. You work your heal against him, applying gentle pressure, working your foot along his length from base to tip before retracting it for a second, watching as his breath stutters before starting again.

He's watching your foot move against his bulge, trying desperately to control his moans as he feels the pressure against his cock, your shiny black heel working against his body, using him as he sits there and takes it. He tries so hard to be quiet, to keep his moans quiet as he feels the drool pool in his mouth as he watches you work him, he so desperately wants to hear you praise him for behaving. But he can't help the moan that rips from his mouth when you work your foot harder against him, the mix of pain and pleasure making him twitch in his pants as he clamps a hand over his mouth before he can moan again.

"God this is pathetic," you laugh as you press your shoe into his bulge, no longer working his shaft, just pressing your foot in as you watch his lips part, "moaning like this in public? Someone will see you know?"

"I don't care," he pants, hand going down to grip your heel desperately needing to feel your skin against his hand.

"You don't care? You want someone to see you humping my foot like a fucking dog?"

He hadn't even realised you had stopped moving, his grip on your heel tight as he ruts his hips against you, desperate to feel your heel move against his aching cock. He lets out another broken moan as he feels anxiety settle in the pit of his stomach before being swallowed by the burning need he's been feeling for months now.

You pull your foot out of his grasp, running your tongue along the inside of your cheek when you hear his desperate pleas as his hand chases your body under the table, "take it out for me."

"What?" he asks, eyes snapping up to yours, wide in surprise when he sees the mocking glare on your face.

"You heard me, take it out."

He swallows hard when he hears the small thud of your shoe hitting the floor, as he flounders to find his words, "here?"

Your now bare foot finds his bulge again, pressing down harshly as you raise your eyebrows at him, "I wasn’t asking."

He fumbles with his belt before he can let his brain catch up, moving on autopilot at your demand as he undo the buckle and shoves it away. His shaky hands fumble with his zip, desperate to fulfill your request as he pulls his briefs down slightly, letting his aching cock spring up and hit his stomach. He sighs in relief, the sigh turning into a desperate moan when the cold, smooth skin of the bottom of your foot presses against his cock, hunching over to watch you move.

He's hard and big against your sole, you can't see him but you can feel how big he is already, skin smooth and slick with precum as you press firmly against it. You feel him twitch against you, biting your own lip as you hold back a soft moan as you watch him. Your cunt drips as you eye him, watching him try to hold back his moans at the feeling of your foot, lips parted and swollen from where he's been biting them, eyes scrunched shut in pleasure.

You can't help yourself, he looks too good like this, moaning and writhing under your control to pass up the opportunity. Your hand snakes down between your legs, shifting your dress to the side and snaking into your panties. You work his cock, feeling his precum dribbling down his tip onto your foot as you feel your own juices coat your fingers as you work them between your folds.

He hears a soft moan fall from your lips, eyes snapping up immediately to yours as he watches you stare at him, your own lips parted from pleasure as you work yourself under the table. His cock twitches desperately as he mumbles out a silent plea of your name, watching you bite back your own whimper as you press harder against him again. He so badly wants to work his fingers inside you, he doesn't give a damn who could see. He'd sink to his knees right now and crawl under the table if you demanded, gripping you tightly as he works his thick digits into your pretty cunt. Fuck he knows you have the prettiest cunt.

He drops his head down against the table, unable to handle the pleasure anymore as he feels his stomach clench, warms burning as he pulses. He fumbles desperately when he feels your foot leave his, flushed face looking up at you, eyes dazed and hazy as he whines softly.

He sees you talking, it takes him as second before he can focus his brain enough to hear what you're saying, watching the sympathy on your face as you talk to the waitress. "Yeah I should really get him home," you hum gently as you reach out and take Schlatt's hand, "poor guy's coming down with something, we'll grab the bill thanks."

[sinmartini]

"skinny dipping." // clark kent

notes: MDNI 18+. summary: clark kent is your best friend and you just want to feel close to him. wc: 2161 warnings: p in v (unprotected), kissing, skinny dipping, slight exhibitionism, best friend au, fem!reader, established friendship, not proofread.

Clark Kent might have been your favorite person in the entire world. There was something about Clark that pulled you in the minute you met him, the kind of effortless friendship that only came into existence once in a lifetime. Truly, there was no one like Clark. 

Your friendship with Clark was the kind of friendship that consumes you completely. Every minute you were awake, you wanted to be around him like two magnets constantly clicking together. A new movie was out? You would see it with Clark. Nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon? Clark would plan something for you.

That’s exactly how you ended up at crater lake, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in hand as the unrelenting sun beat down on you two. Sweat accumulated on your skin, causing a soft shimmer on your face but Clark seemed completely unaffected by it. As you bit into your sandwich, you couldn’t help the frustrated grumble that surfaced.

“What’s wrong?” Clark asked, watching your every movement like a hawk. First, he scanned your face searching for any signs of discomfort, then his eyes raked over your body like he were searching for some sort of injury that may cause discomfort.

“It’s just so hot,” you told him, wiping the thin layer of sweat from your forehead. The more you were sweating, the more uncomfortable you became. It was one of the hottest days of the year and the two of you hadn’t thought to pack a swimsuit?

“We could always jump in,” Clark pointed toward the dock, shrugging his shoulders up and down.

Being in the water sounded so good, the cold plunge cooling you off for a brief moment, only to resurface and feel the warm breeze that wasn’t so bad once your body temperature was a bit more regulated.

“We didn’t bring suits.” You stated, leaning your back against the picnic blanket, and covering your face with one of your arms to block the sun's harsh rays from violating your irises. “Why didn’t we bring suits?”

Clark hummed in response, and you didn’t have to see Clark to know he was nodding in agreement. There were a few moments before he answered, his voice unsure and hesitant, “we could always go in without swimsuits.”

“Like in our clothes? That might be more uncomfortable than just being hot.” The idea didn’t sound terrible, but you weren’t keen on making the haul back to the Kent farm wearing wet clothing that was sure to cause chafing with each step. What was worse, being hot in this current moment or walking half a mile back to Clark’s while wet denim rubbed against your skin? 

Clark paused again, and though you couldn’t see him with your eyes, you could feel his hesitancy. “Skinny dipping.”

You couldn’t help the way your eyes shot open and your body lurched upward. Skinny dipping? That’s what he was suggesting? What an un-Clark-like suggestion. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” You asked him, watching his movements intently.

Clark shrugged his shoulders, bringing his hand to the back of his neck and awkwardly scratching. By the look on his face, it seemed that he was worried he had crossed an unspoken boundary. “Sorry… I just thought— I don’t know, we’re best friends. I don’t think it would be that weird.”

“No,” you assured him, shaking your head with a gentle smile. “I don’t think that’s weird, it just doesn’t sound like something you would suggest.”

“It’s not odd?” He questioned, clearly wanting you to repeat the sentiment.

“No, Clark,” you told him and then tacked on with a bashful smile, “I… I like feeling close to you. But what if someone sees us?”

“We’ll be in the water. How would they be able to tell?”

That’s all it took for you two to strip down into absolutely nothing. Sometimes you and Clark were complete opposites. While you left your clothes in a sloppy pile on the dock, Clark neatly folded his clothing. As you kicked your clothing to the side, you tried not to look at Clark too intently. At the very least, you tried to keep your eyes above his waist. Clark, on the other hand, was shameless about the way his eyes moved up and down your body, drinking you in like you were a painting that deserved to be hung in the Louvre.

Clark opened his mouth to say something, but you already had one foot off the dock, plunging into the cold water of Crater Lake. As soon as the lake swallowed you, you felt relief from the heat. Was it probably a dumb idea to be skinny dipping with your best friend? Maybe, but the refreshing feeling of the water coating your skin was enough to make it worth it.

You heard Clark jump into the water as you ascended, breaking the surface and looking around with a happy giggle. Popping up right next to you was Clark, his bare thigh grazing yours as you both tread water.

“C’mere,” Clark said with a chuckle, reaching his hand out to you and motioning you to move closer to him. Fitting your hand in his, you swam a bit closer. At this point, there was not much between you and Clark except for the water.

Maybe a fish, too.

Clark wrapped his arms around you, pulling you as close to him as possible. With one hand, he hoisted your legs around him so that you were wrapped around him like a koala bear hugging a tree branch. Now, your chests were pressing together, absolutely nothing separating you from him. It was complete skin-to-skin contact, your core completely aligned with his cock.

The dock bobbed up and down, the rifles in the water causing splashes against the wood, and though you two were completely silent as he held you close to him, there were soft noises in the background. Birds chirping, the sound of the water, the sound of Clark’s breathing. The sound of your breathing. All you had to do was lean a few centimeters closer, and then your lips would be pressed against his. 

“I’ve thought about this before,” Clark admitted with a sheepish expression. One hand grazed up your back, and the heat from the sun was now an afterthought in your mind. At this moment in time, nothing mattered except for Clark.

“I just want to feel close to you,” you told Clark, which was the honest truth. Clark was your best friend, and you felt connected with him in more ways than one. To be with him, in this way, felt important.

“I know,” he hushed, his lips in close proximity to your left ear. With a softness only Clark knew, his lips pressed against the tip of your ear. The touch of his lips was so feathery and light, you thought maybe you could have made it up. But then he was peppering kisses down your face, each kiss pressing harder as he moved from your ear, down your jawline, to your cheek, and then hesitating against your lips.

You sucked in a breath, your lips so close together they were practically touching. Was he going to do it?

“Is this okay?” He asked you, his lips still so close to yours that when he spoke, they were brushing against yours. 

“Yes,” you replied softly, unsure you could wait any longer to feel him against you.

As soon as Clark heard you say yes, his lips were moving against you in a fervent way. He caught your bottom lip with his teeth, pulling at it gently before sucking your lip in and swiping his tongue across it. Cautiously, you opened your mouth, allowing him access into a place you would have never imagined.

Clark Kent was always so gentle— sometimes too gentle. But right now, he had mastered the perfect amount of roughness and softness, the intensity of his tongue exploring the inside of your mouth interlaced with gentle licks and soft groans vibrating through his mouth and into yours.

“I want to feel even closer,” you told him, pulling away just enough to get the words out, but Clark was like a man possessed. His lips chased after your own, still trying to connect with you as you spoke. It was needy, in the best way possible, Clark wanting to be as close as possible, even if that meant muffled words.

“Closer how?” Clark asked, his question muffled against your skin.

Truthfully, you didn’t know how to respond to that. Asking him to fuck you felt too… straightforward, and naturally, you were a pretty shy person. Instead of verbalizing it, you chose to show him physically by squeezing your legs around him tighter.

Clark got the message immediately, pulling his face away from yours to get a clear read on your expression. His gaze searched yours, his eyes scanning your face for any nonverbal clues that might lead him in the right direction.

“Sex?” He asked you, the word sounding so foreign from him. With gentle strokes, his hand lowered, resting in the small of your back. You weren’t sure if you could actually get the words out, but you could feel his excitement growing against you as you clung to him.

All you could do was nod, unsure if your words would fail you if you tried. Nothing else in the world mattered right now, except feeling all of him— your best friend— inside of you. The thought of it had you pulsating, a hushed moan slipping from your lips even though you hadn’t even been touched yet.

“Okay,” Clark nodded, the words coming out in soft breaths. “Okay.”

It started with just the tip, Clark slowly pushing it inside of you. Naturally, you squeezed around it, almost positive that if you weren’t actively in the water, arousal would be dripping from you like a fire hose.

Your fingers dug into his back as he rocked the tip in and out, like he was worried if he put the entire length of his shaft inside of you, he might hurt you. Faint cries of pleasure escaped from your mouth, the whimpers echoing between the trees.

“Gotta be quiet, honey.” Clark was speaking in a hushed tone, gently flicking the tip in and out of you. “People might know what we’re up to if you’re not.”

It was almost comical, because as soon as he said those words, he pushed completely in, bottoming out on the first real stroke. A wanton moan escaped, the guttural noise pulling deep from your chest as you cried out in pleasure. 

“Sweetheart,” Clark chastised, and you weren’t used to the sweet pet names he was offering but they were welcome nonetheless. “Gotta keep quiet. Suck on my neck if you need to, honey, just stay quiet for me, please.”

Usually, you weren’t so loud. With Clark, it was so different. Compliantly, your lips attached to his neck, just below his ear. First, you started with your teeth, nipping and biting at the skin every single time he pushed into you. The moans were still escaping, though, now they were muffled into his neck. 

Every so often, Clark would let a curse slip from his mouth, “you’re sucking me right up.”

His mouth was filthier than you expected it to be, soft teasing coming from him as you clenched around his cock. Every single tip the tip of his shaft kissed your cervix, your eyes rolled back to your head and you sucked the skin beneath his ear in a more intensified motion to keep yourself from crying out. At this point, you weren’t even too concerned about the hickey you would most likely leave behind. 

“Can feel that you’re almost there,” Clark grunted, thrusting his hips up into you in a rhythmic motion. Every single time he thrusted in, his cock curled enough to hit that spongy spot, inching you closer and closer to the edge with each stroke. “Me too.”

With that last stroke, your eyes rolled back, your moans muffled into Clark’s neck as you finished around him. Slowly, Clark pulled out of you, staving off his own orgasm to let you ride out your own high before finishing himself off with his hand.

“That was really good,” you muttered, your body shaking against him from the overstimulation. 

Clark dipped his fingers under your chin, forcing you to look up at him, chests still pressed together. “I like feeling close to you like that.”

“Oh,” you stated, your eyes fixating on the nape of Clark’s neck where your tongue had been licking and mouth had been sucking. There was no indication that your mouth had ever been there, no teeth marks, no slight redness, and definitely no bruising. “I was expecting there to be a mark.”

“I guess I’m just built different,” Clark told you, his eyes twinkling with mischief. Almost as if that sentence had a double meaning.

[thesquidgame]

Promises

Kang Dae-ho x reader

Summary: You and Dae-ho's relationship, from the beginning, to one night in a subway station.

Warning: female reader who can get pregnant, abusive parents, existential crisis, misogyny and toxic masculinity (not from Dae-ho), PTSD, shootings, injury, infertility, a lot of medical talk, surgery, male infertility, guilt and hopelessness, medical emergency with a pregnant woman, premature baby, lmk if I missed anything

The character's references to their infertility is their emotions and feelings towards the situation as a trauma response. A person struggling with infertility is not broken or a failure in any way whatsoever.

15k

It was the middle of the night, when you met Dae-ho. You were working at your job in a convenience store, and were staring at your phone. You had been scrolling for what felt like hours when you heard someone approach the cash register. You put your phone down, preparing for a quick transaction. Only to be surprised that  when you looked up, you saw the most attractive man you had ever seen in your entire life. 

He was wearing a full military uniform, and his hat was off revealing a shaved head.

“Um, hi.” You said, immediately internally face-palming because of your stupid first line.

“Hi!” The man said, “just this please!” He was smiling, even though it was after midnight on a Monday.

You panned down to see a candy bar and a sugary drink guaranteed to rot anyone’s teeth. Shockingly, you had only ever sold it to children before. 

“Um, yeah of course.” Jeez, was um the only word in your vocabulary?

You quickly scanned the items, and the smiling military man grabbed them both, “thanks, see you later!”

Puzzled, you stared at him as he walked away, confused as to what had just happened with that smiling sculpted-by-the-gods man.

The man came in every night after that, always around midnight, and always with a smile on his face. After the first day, you noticed that he would go outside, eat whatever he had bought in front of the door, and then leave. You understood, sometimes after your shift ended you would stand in front of the convenience store for a while, just sighing. It was nice to have a moment of peace somewhere besides work or home.

After a week you got the courage to go outside and talk to him, “hi, excuse me, you’re welcome to come inside.” He turned, looking at you as he sipped his drink through a straw, “I just mean… I have another chair, you could. Um.” You paused, mortified. “I’m sorry, ignore me.” You hesitated for another second before saying, “Sir?” You were unsure of the title you should greet him with

He laughed, in a way that clearly felt like he was not admonishing you. “Sorry, that would be great.” He reached out his hand towards you, “and the only people who call me sir are the new recruits, you can call me Dae-ho.” You shook his hand.

Dae-ho came and sat on a chair that was halfway behind the cashier, and halfway in the open. “I’m sorry to be so awkward, I just don’t talk to too many people on the night shift. It’s the middle of winter so I thought you would be more comfortable inside.” He looked at you, entirely seriously, “I don’t think you’re awkward at all.”

You smiled, looking away from him. If he looked in your eyes he would definitely see how flustered you were. “Thank you.”

You were terrible at flirting. Terrible, awful. Every attempt you had made with previous guys and crashed and burned. The only people you actually dated were alpha male types who took control of every situation. They said the first line, your conversations followed their lead, and when you approached a topic they didn’t understand, or didn’t want to talk about, that would no longer be the topic you were talking about. 

Dae-ho wasn’t like that. At all.

Whenever you approached a new topic he would prop his elbow up on the table and rest his head on his hand, staring at you intently. No matter how long it would take you to get the idea across, or how long you rambled on about one topic, he would listen. He would never interrupt, only ask questions when you were done.

On one especially cold night, the power went out. The streets had become icy, and Dae-ho refused to let you make your way home in the dark by yourself. And you refused to let him walk you home, only to turn around right after and walk by himself in the dangerous conditions to the subway station.

So, you both were sitting in the back room of the tiny little convenience store, as far from the front as possible to stay warm until the power came back on. Your phone said it would be in an hour at most, and you crossed your fingers that it would because it was getting colder by the minute.

There was something about a small room, with no windows, that made deep conversations so much easier. Dae-ho was sitting cross-legged in front of you, talking about his mother and sisters, and how close he was with all of them even into adulthood. It made perfect sense, every time you learned something about him it clicked perfectly into place like a puzzle piece.

“All of my sisters have kids already. My oldest sister has three already.” He said, eating a bag of chips that you snagged from inventory.

“Three, well that’s not so bad. One of my friends in high school had eight siblings.” You laughed, and Dae-ho grimaced.

“Nine kids, and I thought five was way too many.” He said, chuckling.

“By the way Dae-ho, I just realized I never asked how old you are.” You felt embarrassed. That was one of the first questions you were supposed to ask, but somehow you had skipped that step. Dae-ho had insisted you talk informally even though he was in the military, and you begrudgingly did so. It would be amusing if he was younger than you after all.

Dae-ho took a swig of his drink, “I’m 24.” You gasped, “really? I’m 25, that makes me your elder.” You laughed, and Dae-ho blushed.

“Yeah, I guess that does.” He said, smiling as he ate another chip.

“So how old’s your sister? How crazy three kids really is depends on your age.” You laughed.

“She’s 28.” Dae-ho said, looking down.

“Wait, that means that all of you are less than a year apart! Your poor mother.” You laughed, only stopping when you noticed Dae-ho frowning. “Oh, I’m sorry. I- I didn’t mean to-” “No, no it’s fine.” He said, “my dad really wanted a boy. So my mom, just- just couldn’t stop until I was born.” He looked pained, and your heart broke for both him and his mother.

“Dae-ho, I’m sorry, that must’ve been really difficult for your mother.” You reached out for his hand. It twitched, but he kept it still. Everything in Dae-ho’s nature told him to pull away, but all he wanted was to be comforted by you as tears threatened to spill out of his eyes.

He sniffled, “yeah, it really was. She had health issues for years after I was born.” You squeezed his hand, “I’m sorry, we barely know each other, I shouldn’t be crying about all my problems to you.”

“Dae-ho, it’s alright. I’m not going to judge you. If it would make you feel better, I could talk about my problems too.” You said, trying to comfort him. “You- you really don’t have to do that.” He said, wiping his eyes with the back of his jacket. He had offered to let you wear it too, over your already thick winter coat, but you refused to take away his only source of warmth.

There was a pause between the two of you, where you decided if you wanted to share or not. Dae-ho didn’t want to force you to talk, so he opened his mouth, ready to fill the silence. 

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m a failure.” You whispered. “I moved to Seoul with stars in my eyes or whatever they say, and so far all I’ve accomplished is a shitty dead end job. There aren’t any entry level positions for my degree open anywhere, and I just feel like my life is a boring, endless cycle.” Tears dropped from your eyes onto your jeans, “I’m really scared. What if it stays this way forever. Just being the under-achiever and the pushover who isn’t capable of making anything happen. Not interesting enough to have anyone listen to what I say.” Dae-ho squeezed your hand, interrupting you for the first time, “hey, I’m here. I’m listening. I think you’re interesting enough.” You looked up at him, and he smiled. “Who you are is enough, and you aren’t an under-achiever, or a pushover. You’re not failing, the world’s just waiting for the right time to let you live your destiny.” You smiled back at him and laughed. “Hey Dae-ho?” “Yeah?” “Can I ask you something crazy?” He smiled, and in that moment you could’ve sworn he would’ve said yes to anything. “Sure.” “Can I kiss you?” 

He didn’t answer. Instead he leaned forward and kissed you. It wasn’t like all the kisses you’d seen in movies. Your tongues didn’t ‘battle for dominance,’ and you didn’t feel the burn of lust in your stomach. It felt- sweet. It felt safe. His lips were soft, and his hand was gently holding your cheek.

After a minute, he leaned back, and he blushed, “that was nice.”

You giggled as he wiped a tear off your cheek with his thumb, “yes, that was.” Right after your kiss the power came back on, “I guess it’s time to go home.”

Dae-ho picked up his trash and stood up, groaning loudly as he stretched. “Yeah, I guess it is.” You grabbed all of your things as slowly as you could, not wanting to leave Dae-ho’s side. “Well, I guess this is goodbye.” Dae-ho said as you stood outside the store, locking it with your key. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.” Dae-ho turned around, looking like a sad puppy. You watched him slowly walk a couple of feet. He undoubtedly had no idea what he was doing, but he still looked miserably pitiful. 

“Dae-ho?”

“Yes?” He turned around in a heartbeat, his big eyes pleading to you.

You sighed, “do you want to come and stay in my apartment? Since it’s so cold and you would have to wait for the subway?” 

“Yes!” Dae-ho’s whole face lit up, and he jogged towards you with a huge smile on his face. You giggled, he was such a goofball. 

You walked to your apartment slowly, due to the frigid cold. You almost slipped on ice several times. While Dae-ho was wearing heavy duty-combat boots that could grip the snow much better than your sneakers did, you still felt reassured in your decision to not let him walk home by himself. He caught you several times, and only almost slipped once, when he let out a very dramatic “ahhh,” when his left foot slipped for a half a second.

Giggling further, you felt bad when he looked at you with those big puppy eyes, but you couldn’t stop yourself from laughing. “It’s not funny.”

“It’s a little bit funny.” You giggled.

He glanced away, his cheeks growing redder, “okay, it’s a little bit funny.” Your apartment was a lot warmer than outside. The hallways and stairwells weren’t heated, but at least there wasn’t the constant threat of ice and the temperature wasn’t in single digits.

You weren’t sure what to expect when you got inside your apartment. Dae-ho was a gentleman, but you weren’t sure how he would interpreta girl inviting him into her apartment in the middle of the night.

The second you unlocked your door, you both took off your shoes. “Ugh, that smells awful.” 

Dae-ho looked offended as he sat off the floor unlacing his other shoe. “It does not! So rude.” He apprehensively reached over to grab his boot, only to recoil in shock when he sniffed it, “Oh god. That is… That is just awful.”

You laughed heartily, your anxiety at least partially having gone away after you witnessed Dae-ho’s adorable reaction to his own shoes. He laughed too. 

Your apartment was tiny. A studio room with the bedroom and living room areas divided only by a curtain. The kitchen only consisted of a single stove top and a mini-fridge. Yet, Dae-ho didn’t look uncomfortable whatsoever. In fact, he made himself at home. Right after he took off his shoes he walked over to your couch and sat down. “This is a really comfortable couch!”

For some reason, that made your giggles turn into something a bit more serious. “Thank you.” It was a really nice couch, and your favorite thing in your apartment. When a neighbor from the first floor moved out, she asked if anyone wanted a couch that “wouldn’t fit with the aesthetic of her new house,” and you gladly took her up on her offer. You had tugged it up the stairs and into your apartment. It had taken hours, and nearly a couple of broken bones. But it was a very nice couch. It was softer than any couch you had ever sat on, and when you looked it up you saw that it cost 1500 dollars. A number you found completely shocking to spend on a couch. “It is a really nice couch.”

Dae-ho didn’t seem to notice you getting emotional, “woah, and it reclines too. This is so fancy. I feel like a king!” He pushed the buttons over and over again, reclining and un-reclining several times. 

He was entirely oblivious to your emotions, and you were glad. No one had ever commented on your fancy sofa. Not the few guys you had dated, not your friends, no one. But here he was, an incredibly attractive man, sitting on the couch that only he had noticed, giggling about a recline feature. His smile was infectious, and you didn’t want to bring him down. In fact, his smile made you start smiling too.

“Can I get you anything?” You said, bending over to look in your tiny fridge to see what you could grab for him. The fridge came with the apartment, and you didn’t see a reason to get a larger one. Especially since you lived so close to a store that sold almost everything you. Plus, you had an employee discount.

You turned around to see Dae-ho staring at you, and he blushed when you made eye-contact. “Just water is fine.” He muttered. You were confused for a second, just a moment ago he was acting like he lived here and now he was being shy?

Oh. Oh. You had bent over and he was staring at your ass, giving him quite a fine view. “Do you like the view?” You said teasingly.

“What? What view? Um yes.” He said flustered. You looked back at him, stifling a laugh, “I mean. No, no of course not. I- I would never.”

“Oh, so you don’t like the view of the skyline.” You gestured towards the window that was slightly visible past the half-drawn curtain separating the room into two.

“Oh! I love that view. Yes, of course.” He sat in silence for a moment, before finally understanding, “you’re messing with me, aren’t you.”

You giggled, walking over to him and handing him a glass of water. “Bingo.” As you sat down next to him on the couch the room grew quiet. You moved closer to one another unconsciously, and Dae-ho stopped when he was a few inches away from your face. You could feel his breath on your lips “(Y/n), can I kiss you. Again.”

You nodded, and he closed the distance between you. This kiss was just as good as the first, and entirely different. It was passionate, and his tongue explored your mouth. He kissed you like you were the air he needed to survive. You had never been that good at kissing, never finding it natural or comfortable. But with him, kissing was like breathing.

You and Dae-ho made out on the couch like teenagers for at least an hour. You stopped to make jokes, and talk about various things. But even after all that, you were still nervous. Although you really liked Dae-ho, you didn’t want to sleep with him right now. You weren’t even dating, and that was a boundary you didn’t feel like crossing until far deeper in the relationship.

You trusted Dae-ho, and knew that if you said no he wouldn’t push it, but you didn’t want to make things awkward. What if he left? What if he wasn’t interested any more? A lot of guys you had dated had been turned off by you not wanting to sleep with them. You couldn’t explain why you wanted to wait until you had been together longer. You weren’t opposed to sex before marriage, and you didn’t have any special desire to be a virginal bride. But that trust took a long time to build, and you hadn’t been in a relationship with someone you liked enough to date for longer than a few months. That was why it just hadn’t happened yet. A guy who got pissed you wouldn’t sleep with them was not someone you wanted to have sex with, and certainly not someone you wanted to marry, or really date for any longer than 30 seconds after they said that.

While you were taking a water break from cuddling on the couch, Dae-ho finally asked the dreaded question. “Do you want to sleep with me?” He sounded a little bit nervous and bashful, but knowing him he meant it. Dae-ho had a dislike for lying, something he had told you that stemmed from the trauma of not realizing that Santa Claus wasn’t real well into his teens.

Your whole body froze up. Another thousand questions ran through your head. What if he gets embarrassed and leaves? Or what if you were a complete idiot and he was like all those other guys. “I’m sorry, I really don’t want to. It’s just I’ve been waiting until I’m in a long term relationship and I know we’re going to-” Dae-ho interrupts you, “Okay.”

Wait, what. “Okay?” 

He shrugged, taking a sip of water, “Okay. I don’t mind. I think we have a very important conversation about our favorite types of soup to get back to anyways.” You were flabbergasted. For some reason you hadn’t thought that anyone actually wouldn’t care. But here he was, not trying to push you any further. Not only was he not pushing about sex, but he wasn’t pressuring you into talking about your reasoning.

“Ye- yes. Yes we do.” 

You stayed up until the sun had almost risen, talking about if stew was only stew if it had meat in it, if Santa’s Sleigh could really fly, and other random things from your lives. 

Dae-ho finally started falling asleep, even though he was doing his best to hide it. After his eyes closed for far longer than the length of a blink, you giggled and put a stop to it. “Dae-ho, I’m really tired. Is it alright if we go to bed.”

Dae-ho’s eyes lit up. He clearly didn’t want to admit that he needed to sleep, so you gladly took that burden off his shoulders. “Yeah, sure, if you’re tired.” He kissed you gently on the forehead, and leaned back on the recliner, “goodnight (y/n).”

“Goodnight Dae-ho.”

In 30 seconds he was asleep.

You were wrong. It didn’t take a long time to build a deep level of trust with someone. Dae-ho said I love you on your third date, and you did on your fifth. You were living together in four months, and he proposed in six. You decided to wait until you got married to sleep with him. You wanted to feel completely and utterly whole on your wedding day, and having two moments that you considered important life events in one of the most important days of your life felt so perfect.

Dae-ho had slept with a couple of girls before, but he didn’t mind waiting at all. In fact, when you told him the reason you wanted to wait, he smiled a big smile and kissed you, “that is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said!”

Meeting his parents shortly after your engagement was the most difficult part of your relationship so far. His father was a quiet man. He sat cross legged on the low table you were sitting at, silently staring at you and Dae-ho while his mother brought out countless dishes one by one. You had met all of his sisters very early on in your relationship, so this was a dinner with just the four of you.

“So, I see you and Dae-ho are going to get married.” It was a statement of fact. You were quickly learning that Dae-ho’s father took everything seriously. 

“Yes sir.” Dae-ho addressed his father. You knew they had a very strained relationship. Dae-ho always felt overwhelmed by his father’s militaristic personality and masculine persona, but never confronted him about it to try and avoid dragging his mother into whatever argument would ensue.

However, you weren’t expecting him to call his father sir. The same title he called all his superiors in the army.

“You will have the wedding in the church down the street.” Again, no question. Dae-ho fidgeted on the floor, a tell-tale sign he was uncomfortable. You squeezed his hand.

“We were actually looking at a few venues. There was one in a botanical garden that Dae-ho was especially…” Your sentence trailed off. Both men stared at you intensely. Dae-ho’s father like he was offended you were speaking, and Dae-ho with an increasingly uncomfortable look.

It was his turn to squeeze your hand. “The church is really nice. We can get married there.” He said quietly. He didn’t want to get married in the church. He wanted to get married in the botanical garden. But you could tell this was not an issue he wanted to approach with his father, so you let it be.

You plastered on a fake smile, “church it is!”

His mother came into the living room, with a smile the exact same as Dae-ho’s on her face. “Alright, the food is ready!”

His father immediately started grabbing food, not hesitating for a moment. “This is too salty.” He said the moment he took a bite.

Her face fell, “oh, I’m sorry.”

You reached for the same dish he had rejected, and put some on your plate before taking a large bite. “Mm, this is delicious Mrs. Kang.”

Her face lit up, “thank you so much!” Dae-ho’s father scowled at her, and her smile depleted. “I appreciate you being kind about it.” 

Their family dynamics were playing out in front of your eyes. Dae-ho’s father was the boss. And everyone else had to obey him. The rest of the dinner played out in similar fashion, whenever anyone expressed an opinion differing from the family’s patriarch’s, it would get very quiet. Then, finally, he would start the conversation up again. You were the one who spoke ‘out of line’ the most. Dae-ho and his mother were far more practiced at deferring to him. After a delicious dinner, Dae-ho’s father stood up, “I think the men should go talk, the women can stay here and clean up.” Your stomach turned. You were liking this man less and less each time he opened his mouth.

Dae-ho was quiet, and followed his dad out of the room, into what you assumed was his dad’s ‘man cave.’

The second they left, his mother’s personality did a complete 180. A smile you hadn’t seen since she first entered the room spread across her face, and she asked a flurry of questions. “How old are you? Where are you from? How did you and my Dae-ho meet?” You quickly saw that Dae-ho took after his mother. Not only were they a splitting image of each other due to their enthusiastic smiles, but their bubbly personalities matched. You answered every question that she asked enthusiastically, and asked many of your own in return. As the conversation went on you finished packing away all the food and washing the dishes, and moved to sit at the table with a hot cup of tea that she had made from herbs in the garden.

She got quiet, and looked at you, “You know, my Dae-ho, he’s not like a lot of boys. He’s a marine, of course and he’s very strong, but…” She paused, taking a sip of her tea, “he’s soft. Not- not in a bad way, at least I don’t think so. But, he needs to be taken care of.’

“Not in the way I take care of my husband, with the chores and children,” she laughed, but it lacked enthusiasm , “But, more, in the way a man takes care of a woman.”

You knew exactly what she meant. You didn’t agree with the phrasing. It was clearly the mentality of the older generation, one that her father and husband likely drilled into her, but you understood. Dae-ho needed someone to treat him gently, the way he treated you. The way couples were supposed to treat each other. 

She was saying that he was not like her husband, and that your relationship should not be like hers.

You reached for her hand and squeezed it, “I know. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of eachother.”

She smiled, and then the men came back in. Dae-ho’s father was acting like his usual self, and Dae-ho looked even more uncomfortable than he did before, if that was possible.

His father slapped him on the back, and said “we’ll do this again.”

You turned back to his mother, and you saw that a little bit of her spark had left when her husband came back into the room. You left quickly, without lingering in the apartment, and walked into the warm air of the summer night.

Dae-ho was quiet as you walked to your car. Once he stepped into the driver's seat (something you didn’t expect as you usually drove), he slumped over. 

“Dae-ho, what’s wrong? Did your father say something to you?” You rubbed your hand over his back and felt his shoulders shake.

He sat up, and you could see tears running down his face, “I’m not going to be like him. I swear to you. You and our children will never have the same life as me and my mother.”

His face was red, and he was wetting his t-shirt with tears that had already dripped off his face, “Dae-ho, what happened?” 

You reached towards his face and ran your thumb on his cheek, doing your best to wipe away his tears. He reached his hand up and gently held your wrist, not moving your hand away from his face.

“He- he told me I needed to learn how to be the man in the relationship. That I was weak, and that I- I-” You wiped away another tear, “I needed to put you in your place.”

Your heart broke. You had ideas of what had happened in Dae-ho’s childhood. Scars that you knew didn’t come from the Marines. Times when he took a long time in the shower, where you could hear cries just barely over the sound of the water. 

He reached up and gently held onto your face, staring in your eyes as he cried “I swear to you, I will always keep you safe. We are going to be happy, and I will never let anyone hurt you or the family we’re going to have. I promise”

You nodded, and stroked his cheek again, “I know Dae-ho, you are nothing like him.”

He leaned in and kissed you, lightly, as tears streamed out of his eyes.

You got married in the church, on a cold day almost exactly a year from when you got trapped in the store in a snowstorm. Your wedding was huge, and while it wasn’t exactly what you had wanted, it was still a wonderful day. Although more than half the guests were his father’s friends and colleagues, more than enough of your friends came to celebrate the both of you.

During your engagement you had planned more than just a wedding, you planned out the next 10 or so years. You had been an obsessive planner since you were younger. It relieved your anxiety to have a path to walk on. If you saved for the next year and a half you could afford a small house on the outskirts of Seoul, it was in a military housing neighborhood for Veterans and active duty service members who had served 10 or more years. Dae-ho entered the military when he was 18, so he only had three years left until his second five-year contract expired, when he would be discharged.

After you moved into your house you would start trying to have a baby. You spent long nights talking to each other about your future. When you first seriously talked about kids Dae-ho’s whole face lit up.

“You really want to have kids. Little babies that are half you and half me.” You were laying on your back on the bed, with your head slightly propped up by a pillow, and Dae-ho was laying on his stomach, resting his head on your chest between your boobs.

“Yes Dae-ho, I thought we had already talked about this!” You giggled, twirling a short piece of hair around your finger. He grew his hair out a little bit, it was still short, but it wasn’t buzzed anymore. ���Of course I want to have kids with you.”

“I just thought- I kind of thought that you weren’t sure, and were just agreeing to make me happy.” He said quietly into your chest.

“Dae-ho, that’s crazy. You know I wouldn’t lie to you, especially about something as important as that.” 

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I think I just pushed the anxiety of the thought that you were lying deep down so I didn’t have to deal with it. I was just scared. Because of…” He took a deep breath against your t-shirt, breathing in your smell to comfort himself, “after you met my dad I was scared you wouldn’t want to have kids with me. I know- I know you said I was nothing like him, but I was still nervous.”

You ran your fingers through his hair and gently tilted his head back to make eye contact, “Dae-ho, I need you to listen to me. I want to have a family with you, because I love you. When I look at you I don’t see your father’s son, I see you. I see Kang Dae-ho, the man I love, the man I choose to be with because I know how kind and gentle and loving he is.”

Dae-ho smiled, and a tear tracked down his cheek. You whispered, “so, of course I want to have a bunch of mini-yous running around.”

You hadn’t decided how many kids you wanted, knowing that no matter what you decided on now would likely change once you had a couple of little ones running around. You decided to have at least two, a boy and a girl. Even though you knew the genders weren’t something you could control at all.

Your wedding day was fantastic. Although his father only smiled when there was a camera in his face, and two of Dae-ho’s sisters’ kids threw up, it was wonderful.

And your wedding night was exactly what you had been dreaming about too. Dae-ho was kind, and soft, and gentle. You had still been scared, so much pressure was put on the moment to be perfect. And, it  was as close to perfect as it could be. It was romantic, and you felt closer to another human being than you had ever before. 

There were several bouts of laughter whenever Dae-ho would make a joke to relieve the tension. Dae-ho started crying at one point, and it made you cry too. There was so much love in this moment that it overflowed and formed tears from the both of you.

You had almost saved up enough money to buy a house when Dae-ho got a call. It had taken you longer than you had expected to save up money. You were desperately looking for a job in your field, and while you were looking you got fired from the convenience store. Your boss’ son had gotten to the age where he started working, and they needed to save money. Although you weren’t happy about it, there was nothing you could do.

After spending a month applying to any and every position you could find, nothing worked out. So, you had to go back to working at another small corner store, unfortunately, this time with less pay. It had been two years since your wedding, when Dae-ho came home excited. He was going on a trip to the countryside with his company, helping train new conscripts.

He left the next week, kissing your forehead before rushing out the door. You giggled, he acted like he was going on vacation, instead of going to a work event.

The first half of the week was normal. Dae-ho called every evening, and he dropped his voice several octaves each time. You could tell that members of his squad were always around him whenever talked louder and acted more macho on the phone.

It was late on Thursday night when you heard someone knocking at your door. You were confused as to what it could be, maybe one of your neighbors needed help with something? 

You looked through the peephole, surprised to see a man standing in a formal military uniform in the hallway. You opened it quickly, not bothering to fix your disheveled appearance.

“Are you Mrs. Kang?”

You rubbed your eyes with your hand, confused. “Yes. What is it?” “I’m here to inform you there’s been an incident involving your husband. We’ll need you to come with us.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach, “what incident? What happened?” Dae-ho was at a training camp. He was supposed to be safe. What was happening.

“There was a shooting incident at the base, he is injured, but in stable condition. We will take you to the hospital as soon as possible. It’s best for him to have a family member with him at this time.”

“Okay, let me go change really quick.” You paused, looking up at the soldier, “Do you want to come in?” He shook his head, “No thank you ma’am.” You were still in shock. You weren’t fully conscious of what your body was doing as you changed and grabbed the necessities, a toothbrush, change of clothes, and all of you and Dae-ho’s medical information.

The car ride to the airport felt fuzzy, the soldier sitting next to you not saying anything as another man drove. The airplane was more surreal. You didn’t fly very often, travelling outside of Korea was a luxury you couldn’t afford. And whenever you travelled within Korea the train’s cheaper price point far outweighed the longer time it took to travel.

It started to sink in that something very bad had happened to your husband, and the thought itself felt like your heart was being squeezed in a vice grip.

The world still felt blurry until you finally arrived at the hospital. There was a vivid sunrise in the sky over the hospital, and you could hear birds singing.

The haze only completely stopped when you were guided to his hall, and a doctor approached you. “Hello, are you Mr. Kang Dae-ho’s wife.”

“Yes, yes I am.” You snapped into focus, a complete 180 from the past couple of hours. “Your husband is alright. There was a shooting on the base and in the chaos your husband was pushed down the stairs and fell onto a table.”

You let out a sigh of relief. In the back of your mind there had been a fear that your husband was critically injured, even though the soldier had informed you that he was stable. “He received injuries to his leg, back, and groin area. We don’t perceive any long term damage, however we will be monitoring him for the next couple of days.” “Can I see my husband?” The doctor had said all you needed him to say. Whatever else happened, the only person you wanted to hear it from was Dae-ho. You needed to be there by his side, to take care of him the way you had promised his mother you would.

“Yes, of course.”

The doctor led you down the hall, and opened Dae-ho’s door. He was awake and staring out the window from his hospital bed.

“Dae-ho!” You rushed towards him.

The look on his face confused you. He almost looked guilty. “What’s wrong?”

He chuckled, the laugh sounding forced, “I fell down the stairs, I’m gonna look a little weird for a while.” He smiled at you, but you didn’t believe it’s genuinity for a second. 

You backed away from him to close the door, and then walked back to sit at his bedside. “Dae-ho, please don’t lie to me. Tell me what happened.” He looked away, and sniffled, wiping his hand under his nose to brush over it, “it’s nothing, really.”

You grabbed the other hand and squeezed it, “okay. Then tell me what it is about this ‘nothing’ that’s making you upset. I promise, no matter what it is, I’ll be here for you.”

He got quiet, and whispered, “I couldn’t help.” He sniffled again. “I woke up to the sound of gunshots, and I was running towards them. For once in my life I wasn’t being a coward. But when I reached the stairs to help, someone brushed my arm, and I fell. The person ran past me and out the door, away from the gunshots. I- I couldn’t do anything.”

You squeezed his hand again, “it was dark, and all I could hear was the sounds of bullets. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything. I thought they would come and shoot me. The one time I try to do something right, the one time I try to be a real man, I fail. I failed those people, and all I could think was that I was going to die. I wanted to run, I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t move. My legs would probably work, but I was just too scared. I’m a coward”

He was crying, tears ran down his face, “Dae-ho, that wasn’t your fault. You were scared, you did what anyone else in your situation would do, no matter who they are.” You reached forward, and wiped some of the tears off his cheek.

“In the dark, I feel- I feel the same way I did. When they closed the curtains earlier today to let me sleep I was terrified. I heard the sound of footsteps in the hallway, and I wanted to run. And then the shame for wanting to run came. But I was scared. I couldn’t make myself sleep. I was so scared (y/n), I’m so sorry, I was scared, I was sca-”

You interrupted him, “Dae-ho, please don’t do this to yourself.”

He sighed, “I know, I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

You leaned in, and laid on his chest the way he usually lays on you, “Dae-ho, please don’t be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll tell you what, I’ll lay right here, and I’ll wake you up if I need any help. I promise you, nothing bad will happen while you sleep. ”

He nodded, even though you could still hear sniffling. It took him longer than usual to get to sleep. Usually within a minute it was lights out, but you could still hear the sound of quiet sobs for at least half an hour after you rested on his chest. You didn’t say anything, you knew that all he needed right now was presence, and to rest.

The next year was difficult. You decided to place your plans on hold to help Dae-ho heal. Nights were especially hard, you would wrap yourselves around one another for comfort. Dae-ho got quieter, and it was hard for him to be out in public. Everything was too loud. 

You realized very quickly that the two things he found most difficult were the dark, and loud noises. After his company briefly tried to put him back into the position he had before, they discovered that he was incapable of doing it. The first time there was a shooting drill Dae-ho panicked and ran away. They found him in a closet crying. He had come home guilty, and you held him as he cried because of the fear and shame that you couldn’t take away no matter how hard you tried

His superiors switched him to a desk job. Although Dae-ho felt ashamed, you had to admit that it suited him better. 

You moved into your new house after Dae-ho was officially discharged. He got a job at a small office run by another Marine veteran, and his hiring bonus was just enough for the down payment.

Although a lot of things had gone wrong in the last year, you settled into a life of normalcy. You got a job working for a fruit vendor at a local market, and were able to walk to and from work every day. The pay was just as terrible as before, but the hours allowed both you and Dae-ho to be home by 5 every day.

“Honey, I’m home!” Dae-ho said in English. ever since you had watched several 90s sitcoms, Dae-ho became obsessed with the cheesy line and said it every time he came home from work.

“I’m in the kitchen!” You called out, stirring a pot of soup you had made.

“Wow, it smells fantastic.” He said, walking up to you and kissing your cheek as he looked down at the pot. “You really didn’t have to do this, I know you must be exhausted.”

“I know, I just thought we should have an extra nice meal tonight.” Dae-ho raised an eyebrow, “why tonight specifically?”

You looked down at your feet, nervous, “well, I was thinking…” You looked back up at him, “I think it’s time to start trying for a baby.”

There was silence in the room for a moment. You knew Dae-ho wanted kids, but growing anxiety brewed in your stomach that maybe he wasn’t ready, or maybe the incident had changed his mind.

All that doubt was squashed when Dae-ho’s face erupted into the largest smile you had ever seen. He picked you up in both of his arms and started shouting “Yes, yes, yes! I’ve been waiting for this!”

He peppered kisses all over your face, and laughed heartily, “what do you mean you’ve been waiting for me?” You giggled, realizing that there wasn’t a hesitant bone in his body.

“Well, I mean that it’s your body. I didn’t want to pressure you. I figured that you would ask when you were ready.” The sentiment warmed your heart, and even though you didn’t think it was possible, made you even more sure you wanted this man to be the father of your child.

You kissed his forehead, “that might have been the sweetest thing you’ve ever said.” Dae-ho kissed you on the lips, and started walking towards the bedroom with you still in his arms. “Dae-ho! My soup.”

He pouted, but put you down. “After dinner.” You said, giggling.

“After a delicious dinner, I’ll have an even tastier treat.” You laughed, hitting him on the arm.

“Dae-ho, your mind is so dirty!” He laughed in response.

Your dinner was as delicious as you knew it would be, and your night was even better.

Planning was your strong suit. You had researched everything that would increase your chances at having a baby. You knew what you could, and couldn’t afford. Your budget fit raising kids, but there was no way you could afford IVF or any expensive medication anytime soon. You got a bunch of vitamins for the both of you, strictly tracked your ovulation cycle, and made a list of things you and Dae-ho couldn’t do to increase your chances of conceiving. No drinking, no eating certain foods, and an hour of exercise every day. You begrudged the lists. You only did all the things to increase your chances, but Dae-ho did everything enthusiastically. He was excited to take all the vitamins and eat all the special foods, and go on the nightly runs you had decided to do together after dinner. To him, it was another part of the exciting process of having a baby. To you, it was the torture you had to endure to get the greatest reward.

A lot of couples got pregnant quickly after trying. The year anniversary of the day you started trying, you started to get nervous. A year was abnormal

“Dae-ho, do you think something is wrong?” You asked him as you laid in bed one night.

“No, these things happen. It just takes longer for some people than others.” He kissed your shoulder as you spooned, and quickly went back to sleep. You stayed up longer, fearful about the possibility that something could be wrong.

A year and a half is when Dae-ho started to get anxious too. He did his best to hide it from you, but there were moments where you could feel his worry lingering in the air. Dae-ho’s sleep had gotten better. He would have nightmares, but he never had any trouble falling asleep. That changed when he started to worry about why you weren’t pregnant yet. He would hold you tight to his chest in the middle of the night, and you could hear his steady breathing for a much longer time than usual while you tried to fall asleep.

After two years, you made an appointment with a fertility doctor. It was expensive, so you wanted to postpone spending a lot of money on doctors as long as possible, but it became unavoidable. Whenever you had dinner with Dae-ho’s family you would both stare sadly at all of the nieces and nephews running around. 

Both of his parents would poke and prod and ask you when you were having kids. His mother in a kind, empathetic way, asking you dozens of probing details in her excitement of being a grandma again. As soon as you started trying for a baby, Dae-ho called her. He was giddy and excited on the phone, and they were both deeply enthusiastic. 

His father was different, and he got worse the longer it had been since you had started trying. He blamed Dae-ho for the fact that you didn’t have kids yet. He would always demand to know if you were pregnant yet. And Dae-ho would be forced to say that no, you weren’t. He would then call Dae-ho weak and tell him that he needed to “do better,” even though you being pregnant or not wasn’t something either of you had any control over once you had started doing everything you needed to to increase your chances..

But the biggest reason for you going to the fertility doctor, was that you both just really wanted to have kids. You would rub your belly absentmindedly during the day, and Dae-ho would quickly glance away each time you caught him looking. Your house was the same as it always had been, but with each negative pregnancy test it felt emptier. Quiet with the lack of pitter-patters from children’s little feet on the wooden floors.

You made an appointment early in the morning on Monday, before either of your shifts started. Dae-ho rested his hand on your thigh as you sat in the waiting room, his knee bouncing up and down at a rapid pace. “Dae-ho, it’s going to be okay.” You said, trying to convince yourself as well.

He smiled back at you, but you could see that you both had the same anxiety, “I know.”

They called your name, and you went into a middle-aged doctor’s office. “Hello, my name is Dr. Kim. Can I get a complete history from both of you.”

She had your medical files in front of her, and asked a dozen other questions to fill in any gaps. How often you had sex, what vitamins you were taking, what your diet was. 

“Well, you’re doing what you're supposed to, the next step is to do some tests to see if there are any medical reasons you haven’t successfully conceived yet.” She confirmed what you already knew, you were doing everything right. In the back of your mind you had hoped that you had missed something. You were taking the wrong vitamins, or eating the wrong foods. “And how long have you said you’ve been trying to get pregnant?” “Two years.” You said quietly.

She continued to tap on her keyboard, “it is possible that you’ve just been unlucky, and that there is nothing unusual medically. However, two years of trying without conceiving is abnormal, so these tests will be necessary to give us a comprehensive view of any factors contributing to your unsuccessful attempts at conception.’

“Mr. Kang, we will need you to give a sperm sample. A sperm sample is the only test needed to rule out male infertility. Mrs. Kang, there are several tests we need to do to see if there is anything on your part preventing you from getting pregnant. Today we will get a blood sample, and schedule other tests today for later if neither of your results have any abnormalities.”

You nodded. The entire situation was deeply uncomfortable. You didn’t want this to be part of your journey to parenthood, you wanted to be like everyone else. Romantic, and in a warmly lit bedroom instead of in a white doctor’s office. 

“What do I need to do for a sperm sample?” 

The doctor looked slightly confused, “well, we have a special room with some… material… to help you ejaculate into a cup. Then we send the sample to our lab to run tests, like sperm count and sperm quality.”

Dae-ho tilted his head like a confused puppy, “what do you mean by material?”

She looked incredibly uncomfortable, but you could tell that Dae-ho was truly confused and not trying to put the doctor in an awkward position. You grasped his arm, “she means porn, Honey.”

Dae-ho’s jaw dropped and he shook his head “Oh no, I don’t need any porn, I have my wife.”

The doctor quickly interjected, “sir, your wife cannot come with you.”

Dae-ho blushed, “oh yeah, of course sorry.”

The whole situation was almost amusing. The doctor’s panicked face and Dae-ho’s embarrassed expression. But you didn’t have the energy to find it funny, you were too scared. 

Dae-ho left for his tests, but stopped to kiss you before he left. “Goodluck, I love you.” You smiled, “You’ve got this Dae-ho, I love you too.”

The week after your doctor’s appointment was normal . You went to work, came home, then ate dinner together and fell asleep in bed next to one another. But there was anxiety under the surface. There were more silent pauses where both of you were too preoccupied with your thoughts to say anything, and you both stayed awake long after you turned off the lights in bed. Dae-ho slept with his hand on your stomach, and his hand was clammy with the same fear you were feeling.

You got a call on Friday afternoon, “Mr. and Mrs. Kang, could we schedule a meeting next week to go over your test results?” “Yes, the doctor said we should schedule some more tests, can I do that now?”

There was a pause on the other line, “Dr. Kim doesn’t think that is necessary at this time.”

Your heart dropped. They had found something wrong. You knew it. That was the only reason they didn’t need to test anything else. They had already found the problem.

Dae-ho came home half an hour later, and you were laying in bed on your side with the curtains drawn, crying. “Honey, I’m home!”

You couldn’t call out to him. You knew the statistics, it was almost always the woman’s. You were too ashamed to face him, knowing that you were the reason you and Dae-ho couldn’t have the one thing you wanted more than anything else in the world- a family.

 “(Y/n)! Where are you?”

Dae-ho rushed through your small house, desperately looking for you everywhere. You heard the footsteps stop when he reached the bedroom. He was standing in the doorway when he saw your figure laying in bed. “(Y/n), what’s wrong.” He quietly approached you, walking around the bed to kneel down in front of you, reaching up to gently wipe your tears away. 

“I- I got a call from the doctor. They got the results back and wanted to set up an appointment.” His face looked concerned, but he stayed quiet as he waited for you to continue, “I think- I think somethings wrong with me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I failed you.”

The tears started to come stronger. You felt like you couldn’t do anything right. You couldn’t get a job, couldn’t fix your husband’s trauma, and now you couldn’t do the thing you were made for as a woman.

“(Y/n), look at me,” he stroked your hair out of your eyes, “this is not your fault. We don’t know yet, and even if there is something about your body that makes it hard to have a baby, it isn’t your fault. It’s not something you have any control over. It’ll be okay, I promise. I love you.”

He kissed you gently on your forehead. You could tell that he was also hurt by the reality that there was likely something stopping you from being able to get pregnant, but instead he focused on you. It was so sweet, and so very Dae-ho.

He made you dinner, and you ate in bed before going to sleep with your arms wrapped around one another.

Your appointment was at the same time as the one last week. You were glad they could fit you in so early, as the anticipation was killing you. You nervously entered into Dr. Kim’s office, where she was sitting with papers in front of her that you could only assume were test results. 

There was no beating around the bush. Once you sat down, Dr. Kim began to talk. “I’m glad that you were available so soon. I have looked over both of your results.”

You and Dae-ho squeezed each other's hands, hoping and praying for good news.

“Mrs. Kang, I have looked over your results and I’ve found nothing abnormal with your bloodwork.” You let out a sigh of relief.

She turned to look at Dae-ho, “I looked over your past medical history, Mr. Kang, and I noticed that 3 years ago you sustained an injury to your groin while you were in the military.” You Dae-ho’s hand gripped yours tighter, and your breath sped up. “Your sperm count was very low, and I believe that your past injury may have caused or contributed to that.”

You listened intently to the doctor, but Dae-ho was completely unaware of anything else she was saying. He was solely focusing on how it was his fault, and that he was the reason your dreams couldn’t come true.

“Of course we’ll need to do some testing, but this is the most likely conclusion considering that you have had a normal sex life and no other symptoms. I’ll write a referral to the urologist, and I suggest you go in for a consultation.” She wrote on a slip of a paper, and handed you a physical copy of the referral.

“Thank you, Dr. Kim.” You didn’t know what else to say. Dae-ho wasn’t responding, he was staring off into the distance, and you had to lead him out of the room.

Before you exited the room, Dr. Kim spoke up, “Mr and Mrs Kang?”

Dae-ho stayed facing forward, but you turned to face the doctor, “I truly am sorry, and I wish you the best.”

You nodded, and left, leading Dae-ho out beside you. Dae-ho didn’t respond during the ride home. You didn’t talk to him. Nothing you could say would make him feel better, you just needed to get home and then maybe you would be able to comfort each other.

Dae-ho walked to the bathroom as soon as you got home. You didn’t stop him, and sat down on the couch staring into space.

You heard crashing from the bathroom, and ran in to see Dae-ho throwing the vitamin bottles on the ground. “It’s bullshit, it’s all bullshit!” 

The next bottle he threw down was glass, and it shattered into a million little pieces on the ground, “Dae-ho, stop!” You grabbed his arm to stop him from throwing another bottle. That seemed to snap him out of his daze. 

He started crying, and you pulled his head down to nuzzle into your chest. You wrapped your arms around him, and started stroking his back. “It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.” You quietly shushed him, and ran your fingers through his hair. “Shh, Shh, it’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is,” he sobbed, “I was the one who couldn’t do anything, I’m a fucking marine and I got pushed down the stairs and laid there like a coward. I’m the one whose fault it is that we can't have a baby.”

“Dae-ho, we don’t know anything for sure. We’ll go to the urologist and see if they can help us.” You gently pulled his head back to look into his eyes, the same way he did when you thought it was your body causing your infertility, “but even if we can’t have kids, I want you to know that this isn’t on you. Everything you said to me, about how it isn’t my fault and how no matter what it’ll be okay, is true.”

The sad look in his eyes showed that he didn’t believe you. You sighed, “let’s get out of here, you should go lay in bed and I’ll make us something to eat. Be careful when you step, I’ll clean up the glass in a second.” Dae-ho pulled away, “no, I failed as a father, I will not fail as a husband. I’ll take care of it.” You grabbed his shoulders when he tried to move away, “listen to me. The only difference between us is the name “husband” versus the name “wife.” Our job is to take care of each other. When I need you, you take care of me. And now, it’s my turn to return the favor.”

He nodded apprehensively. You could tell that he had some hold-ups, but he didn’t argue with you. You both knew this about your marriage, but everything his father had told him was hard to deprogram.

You made a stew, and cleaned up the glass while it was simmering. Before you entered your bedroom, you heard Dae-ho talking. You stopped outside the door.

“I promise you, it will all be okay. Your daddy is going to make sure you will get to see this whole beautiful world.” Concerned, you opened the door. Dae-ho was sitting in the bed holding a onesie that his mother had given him after you told her you had started trying.

“Hey.” You said, walking towards him and handing him the bowl.

“Hey.”

He ate a spoonful of the soup and then took a deep breath, “I’m so sorry that I messed up our plans.”

“Dae-ho-” You interrupted, but he held up his hand to signify that he wanted to finish his thought.

“I know you don’t blame me. But I can’t help the way I feel. I know- I know everything you’re going to say and everything you’re thinking, and I’m sorry but I- I just can’t believe you right now. I’ll only be able to when we have everything figured out. I’m sorry, that's just- that’s just what I need.”

Your heart broke, but you knew his words to be true. There was nothing you could say to change how he felt. “Okay. But if you know what I’m thinking, then you know that I mean it when I tell you that everything is going to be alright. I promise you I would never lie to you Dae-ho.”

He smiled at you, with tears still glimmering in his eyes, “okay, I believe you.”

Dae-ho scheduled an appointment in the afternoon later in the week. It was in the middle of the work day, but it was either that or waiting over a month. “I’ll take off work to go with you.”

“(Y/n), it’s fine. I promise.” 

You objected again, talking with your mouthful as you ate a bite of oatmeal, “Dae-ho really, it’s okay.”

He paused, and looked at you, “to be honest, I want to do this by myself. I just- I don’t think I can take it if there’s something seriously wrong and you’re there. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I got bad news and had to look at you, I think it would kill me.”

You were silent, “okay, but if you need me, please, please just call.”

He reached over and squeezed your hand, “of course. You trust me, right?”

You squeezed his hand back, completely sure of what you were about to say, “always.”

Dae-ho didn’t call you during the day, but you called him several times. You were beginning to get worried, and told your boss that you had to leave early. She understood, and the second she said you could go, you ran towards your house.

You weren’t sure what to expect. Maybe an empty house, maybe an emptied liquor cabinet if there was bad news. What you weren’t expecting was for Dae-ho to be sitting cross legged on the ground in front of your table, with papers completely covering the wood.

“Dae-ho what’s going on? I was terrified!” You plunked your bag down on the ground.

He looked up at you, surprised to see you, “(Y/n), what’re you doing home?” “I’m only home an hour early. Did you not see my calls? I’ve been trying to reach you all day!” You said, exasperated but relieved to see he was okay.

He reached down to look at his phone, and then looked back up at you guiltily. He said quietly, “oh, sorry. I’ve been so focused I didn’t realize.”

You sat down next to him, looking over the papers to try and make sense of what they were.

Before you could understand, he grabbed your shoulders to turn you to face him. “I did all the tests, and- and it’s a lot of news.” You were concerned, he didn’t usually react like when he found out important things. And he certainly didn’t react like after your last visit to the fertility doctor. “They can fix it. We can have a baby!” 

Your eyes lit up, and without realizing it happy tears began to leak out of your eyes. Before you could fully celebrate you had to stop yourself. “But then, what is this?”

“It’s expensive, it’s really expensive. But I- I did all the math and I think- I think we can do it.”

There were so many emotions swirling around in your head. Fear of the cost, fear of the future, but Dae-ho brought you back down to earth. “I know, I know. But (Y/n), it’ll be okay.” 

You believed him, you would always believe him.

He smiled a big smile you hadn’t seen in a long smile, and he quickly pulled you into a hug. He pressed kisses all over your head, and finally, finally you allowed yourself to feel completely hopeful again.

You did another set of tests to make sure that you didn’t have any conditions yourself that would affect your fertility. Sure enough, all of your results came back squeaky clean.

Dae-ho’s treatment was going to cost a lot. The initial appointments you two had scheduled had cost over a thousand dollars.

Dae-ho’s surgery was over 10 thousand dollars. Your mortgage was high, and since it was still the early years of owning your house you wanted to pay as much as possible before interest tripled the original cost of your house. The conclusion that you reached was that you could afford the surgery in two years. 

It was a bittersweet feeling, on one hand you were heartbroken that you had to wait longer, but a finish line made the pain easier. Finally, there was certainty. You circled the day when you would schedule the surgery for, and every morning you would look at the calendar to remind yourself what you were working so hard for.

Your house didn’t feel so empty anymore. The silence was still hard to deal with sometimes, but you and Dae-ho busied yourselves with buying baby clothes, and picking out things for the nursery. Both of you were happier, even though you could tell that Dae-ho still had a lingering guilt because of his condition.

In the week before the surgery you felt yourself buzzing with excitement. It felt like you were walking on air. Dae-ho was so enthusiastic that every day when he came home he would run to you, swoop you up in his arms and laugh as he kissed your face. It became the highlight of your day.

Most of the time people were nervous on the morning of a surgery. But not you and Dae-ho. The drive to the clinic was filled with laughter and loud music. Everything was finally going according to plan.

Right before Dae-ho went into surgery pulled you into a hug and whispered into your ear, “this is it, the rest of our life starts now.” 

You squeezed him in the hug and smiled, and he waved goodbye as he walked into the room where he would get prepped for surgery. The longer he was in the operating room, the more nervous you got. You knew that the surgery would probably take an hour or an hour and a half, but as the time approached and passed that mark your anxiety grew. Finally, after two hours, the doctor came back.

You stood up excitedly, ready to hear the good news.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Kang, the damage was more extensive than we initially thought. We weren’t able to perform the surgery.” Your heart dropped to the pit of your stomach. You couldn’t handle this. You had kept it in for so long, had done everything right, had waited patiently only to have it end with even more bad news. 

You couldn’t stop yourself. You ran over to the trash can and threw up your breakfast, overwhelmed with the grief of your hopes and dreams yet again being crushed.

Sitting in the waiting room, you felt broken. Your cheeks were wet and all you could do was stare straight ahead as you waited for them to bring Dae-ho out of surgery. It was an outpatient surgery, which meant that he would go home after. You were glad at first, because it would save money, but now you were dreading having to go back to the empty house together. You didn’t want him to see your pain and think for even a second that you blamed him.

Dae-ho was wheeled out, and you felt another piece of your heart break off when you saw the look on his face. “Dae-ho.”

He looked up at you with his big puppy-dog eyes, “Let’s go home. Can we please just go home.”

You were growing accustomed to heartbroken silent drives. Dae-ho made to leave the car when you got home, but you locked the door. You couldn’t deal with either of you having a breakdown once you were inside your house.

“Can we talk, please?” You begged.

“I’m sorry. I just- I had so much hope that this nightmare would be over, but it just keeps going.”

You looked over at him. “It’s not over. We’re not done. Please don’t give up. Please. It’ll be okay, I promise.” You pleaded.

Dae-ho finally looked back over to you, “okay. Okay.” He took a deep shaky breath, “we’ll keep trying. The Kangs aren’t quitters.” He said with a light chuckle, bringing a smile to your face.

The next week you went back to your doctor. “Unfortunately it looks like our only alternative is to do sperm removal followed by IVF.” He paused, looking at a list of personal information, “your financial situation would make this procedure very difficult, I hate to say this, but have you considered adoption?” Your heartbeat spiked, “yes, my husband is a Marine Corps veteran diagnosed with PTSD, we aren’t considered candidates.” You had been through all of this years ago. Early on you had looked into adoption. Before you had even tried to get pregnant naturally. Both you and Dae-ho wanted to help a child without a home and add them to your little family of Kangs. You were shocked to find out that because of Dae-ho’s PTSD you couldn’t adopt. He had nightmares and was afraid of loud noises and the dark, but there was nothing about his PTSD that would make him a bad father. But, for some reason a little note on his discharge papers crossed out one of your options.

“Okay, well the procedure will be expensive, but IVF for healthy women under the age of 35 has an over 50% success rate.”

Once you got home Dae-ho pulled you into a hug the second you crossed the threshold. “We’ll make this happen, I promise you.”

You burrowed your head into his chest and mumbled, “I know, I know. I believe you.”

And so the cycle started again. It was another two years before you saved up enough money.

You both had surgery on the same day, and watched with delight as the doctor showed you the embryos after they had medically joined your egg and Dae-ho’s sperm. Tears streamed down your face as you saw what would become your baby on the screen. You never knew you could feel so attached to a couple of small dots, but here you were. The doctor gave you a print out, something they didn’t usually do but Dae-ho begged for, and went home. Your appointment was scheduled for the next week, it was the happiest week you had in years. You and Dae-ho went on long walks every night, you got dinner with his sisters and your friends. It was fantastic, and the night before the implantation you stayed up late and talked about baby names for hours.

Everything finally went to plan. The implantation went smoothly, and three weeks later when you and Dae-ho were sitting in the bathroom together, there were so many emotions buzzing in the air it felt electric.

“I’m going to turn it over.”

“Okay.” Dae-ho was pressing his hands together and praying, something he almost never did.

You screamed, “oh my God!” 

Dae-ho jumped up and grabbed the stick out of your hand. A pink plus sign. 

Dae-ho shouted out in joy and wrapped his arms around you and started jumping up and down. Dae-ho then paused and sunk down to his knees, pressing his head against your belly.

You stilled as he pulled your shirt up and put his forehead against your stomach. You could feel wet tears on your belly. “Hello baby.” He whispered, “this is your daddy, me and your mommy love you so much and we are going to take such good care of you, I promise.”

Your heart felt full. Finally, you and your husband had a family. You were a mother, and Dae-ho was a father. The next six months were the happiest of your life. Dae-ho completely assimilated into his role as a father. He painted your baby’s room a pale yellow, and him and his mother picked out more baby clothes than your child could possibly wear.

He had a copy of every ultrasound photo in his wallet, in chronological order. There were so many of them that the wallet started to bulge with all the extra paper.

You were just as ecstatic as him. When you and Dae-ho were cuddling, he would reach around from his spot as the big spoon to rest his hand on your belly. You would draw circles next to it, and whisper to your baby, “it’s your mom. You know, before you and your dad were in my life I felt lost. And now, I’m happy about every step I’ve taken. It led me right here. Thank you little baby, mom loves you.” It was too early in your pregnancy for the baby to hear you, so you giggled to yourself before drifting off to sleep.

The only time you had ever seen Dae-ho’s father proud was when Dae-ho excitedly shouted, “we’re pregnant!” Three minutes after entering their house, unable to hold in his excitement for a moment longer. 

Although you did hear his dad mutter “took you long enough” under his breath, his mother’s unapologetic excitement made up for it. Before you knew it you had five knitted baby hats and five knitted baby socks in the top drawer of your dresser.

Dae-ho would excitedly shout “we’re pregnant!” Whenever anyone would so much as glance at your baby bump. Most of the time it annoyed you to no end when fathers would say, “we’re pregnant,” while their wives were the only ones actually doing any work. But in Dae-ho’s case you think he earned it. He did all of the chores, prepared dinner for the next day the night before, and treated you like a queen. Besides, he looked so cute every time he said it.

Your pregnancy was easier than you could have ever imagined, even in your wildest dreams. You had no morning sickness, very little fatigue, and your baby hit all of their milestones early. You decided not to figure out if it was a boy or girl until they were born, and so your baby was affectionately nicknamed “little Dae” during your pregnancy.

Truly, you had never been happier.

Dae-ho came home with take-out at the usual time. You liked to eat healthy, but it was Friday night and you agreed to have a little treat at the start of every weekend.

“Honey, I’m home!” Dae-ho called out. No response.

“(Y/n), where are you?” You had to be at home, either you or your boss would have called him if you had to stay late.

He walked through the house, finally stopping in front of the bathroom door. Dae-ho shakily opened it, and upon seeing the scene inside, immediately rushed to you.

You were laying on the floor of the bathroom, unconscious and surrounded by blood. He rushed into action, he had run scenarios of every possible nightmare scenario that could happen the second you got pregnant but it didn’t even come close to preparing him for this.

He picked you up and ran to the car. Dae-ho didn’t remember the drive to the hospital. Every other second he would glance at you lying unconscious in the passenger seat as he sped through the streets of Seoul.

The hospital parking lot was full so Dae-ho parked illegally. He picked you up in both arms and rushed you into the ER, not bothering to turn off the ignition.

The staff jumped up the second they saw you, and quickly tore you out of his hands. A doctor quickly noticed your baby bump and asked you if you had any previous pregnancy complications. He shook his head, and before he could react they were rushing you away from him. He tried to race after you, but two orderlies held him back. Once he couldn’t see you anymore, he collapsed to his feet sobbing.

Dae-ho was hyper aware of everything going on around him. Every beep, every footstep, everything. A doctor came out and questioned him on your medical history. He had it memorized.

It felt like forever before the doctor came out. 

“Mr. Kang?”

Dae-ho immediately stood up and nodded, “your wife experienced something called placental abruption. It’s when the placenta detaches from the uterus. Due to the severity, we performed an emergency C-section.”

“Emergency C-section?” Dae-ho blurted out, “no, it’s too early.”

The doctor sighed, “Yes, 25 weeks is very early, however it was our best option.”

“How are they?” The doctor was talking too slowly, Dae-ho needed answers now.

“Your wife’s placental abruption was very severe, and there were significant complications. She’s very weak, and will have to stay in the ICU. She will need further surgery to try and fix the damage, but due to the amount of blood loss we couldn’t continue the surgery longer.” Dae-ho felt like there was a weight crushing his chest. He couldn’t breathe, “and- and the baby.” He was scared to ask. He didn’t know if he could live if his child died, and he knew he couldn’t if you left him.

“He’s in the NICU, I’m going to be honest with you, premies this size struggle, but we will do everything we can and if he begins to improve, his outlook is very good.” 

His son. His son. He had a little baby somewhere in the hospital, all alone and by himself, without his mother to take care of him. Completely new to the world. “Can I- can I-” The words didn’t come out, but the doctor seemed to understand.

“Yes, of course. Due to disease risk you can’t visit for long and will have to wear sterile clothing, but you can visit briefly.” 

Dae-ho didn’t have to decide which of you to see first. He had to see his son. He knew you, and he knew that you loved your baby more than anything. You wouldn’t want him to be alone right now. A nurse put a set of scrubs on Dae-ho, and then he was ready to enter the room. He had a face mask, a cap, and gloves on, and there were booties on his feet.

As soon as the automatic door slid open, time stopped. There were several babies in the room, but Dae-ho’s eyes quickly found the one that said “Baby Kang.” His feet moved without realizing it, and before he knew it was standing in front of the incubator.

His son was so small. He was tiny. There were wires everywhere and his skin was bright red. But even then Dae-ho could still see his tiny chest rise and fall slowly. Dae-ho started crying and it was one of the only times in his life where he felt no shame for breaking down. The tiny infant in front of him was perfect.

“Sir, you can reach your hand in to gently touch his arm.”

Shaking, Dae-ho reached his hand into the incubator. A wave of emotions passed over him when the baby grabbed onto his finger. The tiny baby held on for dear life.

Dae-ho waited as long as he could, standing, staring at his baby boy until the nurse told him he needed to leave before the risk of viral infection became too high.

The nurse led him to your room. You were laying in a hospital bed with a million tubes attached to your body. You were unconscious with a tube pushed down your throat, with tape over your eyes to prevent them from getting dry.

He reached towards your hands, and took your gloved ones in his.

“(Y/n). He’s perfect. He’s so perfect, and I can just- I can just tell he’s a fighter. He’s so strong, just like his mommy. He- he loves you, and we- we need you to hold on.” He was crying, wetting the mask over his nose, “I’m so proud of you, of both of you. I need you so much, please I just-” 

He started sobbing. There were no words able to express everything he felt, and everything he wanted to say. All he could do was cry.

For the second time that day, he was kicked out of a hospital room. “Can I- can I stay?” He pleaded to the nurse.

She sighed, “you can stay in the NICU waiting room overnight. But, I recommend you go home first.” She motioned to the plain scrubs he had been given to change out of his blood-soaked ones. “If you have any baby things collected yet, you should get them. Also, bring any insurance information and medical records for your wife, and some comfort items for both of you if she wakes up.” The word if stabbed him in the heart, but he nodded. 

Dae-ho didn’t want to leave either of your sides, but he had no choice. His parents were visiting one of his sisters in the countryside, and the majority of your friend group were at a wedding in Jeju that you couldn’t go to due to saving money for the baby.

Dae-ho was determined to get from home to back as quickly as possible. Once he got to the parking lot, he clicked his car keys several times. He didn’t remember where he parked, he was in too much of a rush to get inside when he arrived at the hospital. Dae-ho walked around the entire parking lot looking for the car, before going back inside to check with the front-desk woman.

“Hello, ma’am, I came in with my wife and I- I can’t find my car.” He said, his tone of voice exactly reflecting his feelings.

The woman looked up, “okay, we have cameras in the parking lot, what is the make and model?” 

He gave the information to her, and when she came back from a room he assumed held the security cameras, she had visibly paled.

“I’m so sorry sir, I checked the cameras. It appears as if you left the car door open and the vehicle was stolen. I can call the police and we can see what they can do.” She said apologetically.

“No, I can- let’s just do that later okay.” Dae-ho turned around and walked out the front door. He had no energy left. 

Dae-ho walked to a subway station next to the hospital, and jumped over the turnstile. He knew his way around the subway station. In his early 20s he didn’t have a car, and had familiarized himself with the city’s subway stations. If anyone confronted him about not paying, he knew they would quickly back down once they heard why.

Dae-ho sat down on a bench in front of the train that would take him home, and put his head in his hands.

“Excuse me sir, would you like to play a game?” Dae-ho looked up to see a tall man in a well-pressed suit staring down at him. “No.” Dae-ho snapped, looking back down at the floor.

The man sat down next to him. “Do you know how to play Ddakji?”

Dae-ho scooted slightly away from the man, determined to ignore him. 

“If you play with me I will let you in on a-”

“Listen here sir, I don’t know you and I do not want to play a game. Please leave me alone.” Dae-ho said, looking the man in the eye, trying to deter him. The man let out a slight chuckle, “not even for 100,000 won?”

Dae-ho wanted to say no, but he couldn’t. The thought of the cost of all your medical treatments was something he hadn’t thought about yet. It was so far less than his fear for both of your lives that the thought of paying medical bills hadn’t come close to entering his thoughts before now. He had heard stories of friends-of-friends dying or going bankrupt because of hospital bills. He was horrified of the same thing happening to you or the baby. He would do whatever it took to save you, borrow millions of dollars from loan sharks, work 20 hours a day, he wouldn’t let anything happen to you. It was a potential he couldn’t confront. He wouldn’t let you die, but what would he do even if he could get the money? You would be destitute, and his child growing up in poverty was a thought that horrified him. As much as he hated it, a short game with a crazy man would be worth it if it could help prevent that possibility. 

“What’s the catch?” Dae-ho was desperate, not stupid.

“Well, if I win, I give you 100,000 won. If you win, you give me the same, simple as that.” The man responded, his smile not quite reaching his eyes..

“I don’t have 100,000 won.” Dae-ho didn’t care about embarrassing himself in front of strangers on the subway, he had much bigger things to worry about.

The man sighed, “okay, you can pay with your body instead if you’d like,” Dae-ho raised an eyebrow and turned back away from the man with a scoff. The man chuckled again, “no no, not like that. Let’s just say, I take off 100,000 won for every loss. Sound fair?”

Dae-ho felt humiliated. But he couldn’t fail you. He couldn’t fail you over something as stupid as a slap in a children’s game. So he nodded.

The man opened up his briefcase and held out the two pieces, “blue or red?”

By his fourth attempt Dae-ho’s face was red and hurting. With every round he got more and more frustrated, shouting out obscenities after every slap. On the fifth attempt he finally won. Dae-ho shouted out, and with his victory the man handed him two 50,000 won notes.

Dae-ho was ready to walk away and forget the strange event that just happened, when the man spoke. “Kang Dae-ho.”

He turned around, “how the fuck do you know my name?” Dae-ho didn’t consider himself a violent man, but he turned around and walked to stand directly in front of his face.

The man chuckled, “you are 34 years old. You’ve been married for 9 years and you and your wife have been trying to have a baby for 6 of them. Yesterday, your wife went to the hospital at 25 weeks with an emergency C-section.”

“Fuck you,” Dae-ho threw a punch at the man, who caught it.

“If your child and wife receive all the treatment they need to survive, you will have to pay about  750 million won.” The man smiled, “which is far more than you can afford. You will be destitute if you can get the money. And if not- well… then I guess we know what’ll happen.”

“Why the fuck are you saying this to me?” Tears burned behind Dae-ho’s eyes, threatening to break free.

The man handed Dae-ho a business card with three shapes on it. “Call this number, my organization could help you.”

Just at that moment Dae-ho’s train came, and the man let his arm go to let Dae-ho stumble away. As he sat down on the subway Dae-ho pulled out his wallet. He took out the first ultrasound photo. The first image he ever saw of his baby. You both started bawling once you saw the tiny baby on the screen, and heard the quiet steady beat of your baby’s heartbeat over the monitor.

Dae-ho started crying in his seat on the train. He had dreamed for his entire life about what it would be like to be happy. Truly happy, away from his father’s judgement, away from the military, away from all the pain in his life. And finally, finally it had happened.

His life was beyond his wildest fantasies. He was married to the most wonderful woman in the world, and was going to be a father. You and his son were the greatest things on the planet. You were lovely and kind, and your baby had to be just as lovely and kind as you. And the two of you were somehow his, somehow his family. And then everything fell apart. He had to save you, had to fulfill the promise he had given you so long ago. That it’ll be okay.

“I promise you, daddy is going to take care of you. I’ll see you soon and then you, me and mommy will be okay.” Dae-ho kissed the ultrasound photo, then pulled out his phone and dialed the number on the card.

This took so long I don't think you understand 😭. I'm not sure how regular I will be able to write, my second semester started halfway through writing this fic and I am so crazy busy that I have almost no free time. My writing has a lot of medical stuff in general because that is my other interest besides writing (#womeninstem lol) I think I'm starting to really find my voice in writing, and it a pretty raw and realistic style. Have a good day, drink water and get sleep :)

[wendichester]

𐙚 ₊ ° ⊹ ♡ crtl + alt + us,

summary. your computer keeps glitching. thankfully, sam is working and has no issue with helping you.

pairing. sam wesson x reader

wordcount. 902

Your computer screen flickers for the third time in ten minutes, the cursor spinning endlessly like it’s mocking you. You groan, leaning back in your chair and glaring at the monitor like it’s personally responsible for ruining your day.

“Come on,” you mutter, jabbing at the keyboard. “Work, you stupid thing.”

It doesn’t.

With a sigh, you pick up the phone and dial the IT extension. It rings twice before a deep, slightly hesitant voice answers.

“Tech support, this is Sam.”

“Hi, Sam,” you say, trying to keep the frustration out of your voice. “It’s me again. My computer’s freaking out.”

There’s a pause on the other end, and you can almost hear him smiling. “Let me guess—spinning wheel of death?”

“Bingo.”

“I’ll be right over,” he says, and the line goes dead before you can respond.

You sit back, tapping your fingers on the desk, and try not to think about how often you’ve called Sam this week. Or how he always seems to show up within minutes, even though the IT office is on the other side of the building. Or how he always smells like coffee and something faintly woodsy, like he just stepped out of a forest instead of a cubicle.

The door to your office opens, and there he is—Sam Wesson, tech support extraordinaire, with his flannel shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a lanyard dangling from his neck. His hair’s a little messy like he’s been running his hands through it. He looks like he just rolled out of bed, and it’s unfairly endearing.

“Hey,” he says, his voice soft, almost shy.

“Hey,” you reply, suddenly hyper-aware of how close he is.

He pulls up a chair and sits next to you, his long legs bumping against yours under the desk. You move to give him space, but he doesn’t seem to notice—or maybe he doesn’t care.

“Let’s see what we’re dealing with,” he says, leaning forward to peer at your screen. His fingers hover over the keyboard, and you notice how big his hands are, how careful he is not to touch anything without asking.

“It just keeps freezing,” you explain, gesturing to the screen. “I was in the middle of a report, and now I can’t even save it.”

Sam nods, his brow furrowing in concentration. “Okay, let’s try restarting it first. Sometimes it’s the simplest fix.”

He reaches for the mouse, his hand brushing against yours, and you both freeze. His eyes flick to yours, and for a moment, neither of you moves. Then he clears his throat and pulls his hand back, his cheeks tinged with pink.

“Sorry,” he mutters, focusing on the screen like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

“It’s fine,” you say, your voice a little breathier than you’d like.

He restarts the computer, his fingers moving quickly over the keyboard, and you can’t help but watch him. There’s something about the way he works—so focused, so meticulous—that’s oddly captivating.

“So,” he says after a moment, breaking the silence. “You’ve been having a lot of issues with this thing lately.”

“Yeah,” you reply, leaning back in your chair. “I think it’s possessed.”

Sam chuckles, and the sound sends a warm shiver down your spine. “I’ll have to call in an exorcist.”

“You’re the expert,” you say, smiling.

He glances at you, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and for a second, you forget how to breathe. Then he looks back at the screen, his expression turning serious again.

“Okay, it’s back up,” he says, clicking through a few menus. “Let’s make sure everything’s running smoothly.”

He leans in closer, his shoulder brushing against yours, and you can feel the heat radiating off him. His fingers hover over the mouse again, and this time, you don’t move your hand.

“Here,” he says, his voice low. “Let me show you something.”

He guides your hand to the mouse, his fingers covering yours, and you’re pretty sure your heart stops. His touch is warm, gentle, and you can’t help but notice how close he is, how his breath tickles your ear when he speaks.

“See?” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. “Just like that.”

You nod, but you’re not really paying attention to the screen. All you can think about is the way his hand feels on yours, the way his presence fills the room, the way he’s looking at you like you’re the only person in the world.

“Sam,” you say, your voice trembling slightly.

He pulls back, his hand lingering on yours for a moment before he lets go. “Yeah?”

You open your mouth to say something—anything—but the words get stuck in your throat. Instead, you just smile, hoping he can see everything you’re not saying.

He smiles back, his cheeks still pink, and for a moment, it feels like the world has stopped spinning.

“I should, uh, get back to my desk,” he says, standing up and adjusting his lanyard. “But if you need anything else, just call.”

“I will,” you say, watching as he walks to the door.

He pauses, his hand on the doorknob, and looks back at you. “Oh, and… maybe save your work more often. Just in case.”

You laugh, and the sound seems to surprise him. “I’ll try.”

He nods, his smile softening, and then he’s gone, leaving you alone with your thoughts—and a computer that’s finally working.

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