#this is going to be my personality for the next 8 weeks

[inawickedlittletown]

All I Want For Christmas Is You (BuckTommy) - 7/8

Summary: When Buck and Tommy pick each other for the 118's Secret Santa, they both realize they know nothing about each other. That changes very quickly. Words: 2.8k Rating: M Read on Ao3 Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six

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Chapter Seven

He couldn’t sleep. He was tired, but he just couldn’t actually sleep. When he closed his eyes, he saw Tommy. Buck saw Tommy as he’d been over the last week, more reticent than usual. Quieter. Rarely looking at Buck, and looking through him too. Buck hadn’t known he was going to miss him as much as he did. He was right there, Buck saw him more than he saw most of his roommates and yet he was so far away. 

Buck had given him a week already and he’d been hurt enough at first to think it would be better if he didn’t try to talk to Tommy, but the way that he couldn’t stop thinking about Tommy was making him reconsider. 

Buck groaned. He sat up from how he’d sprawled himself on the sofa. Usually it was the perfect place to nap. 

“You okay there, Buck?” Hen asked. 

Buck groaned again. He wondered if she knew already, if Karen had gone home and told her about Buck being bi. Maybe she hadn’t. 

“I really was shopping last night. I was doing some research and I stayed up all night. I just don’t think I would have slept even if I didn’t have that though.” 

“Why is that?” 

Buck let out a sigh. “I’m…I can’t stop thinking about someone. I’ve never felt like this before, I don’t think. I’ve been with a lot of women and there’s always the hope for more, but this is not like that. I just close my eyes and my thoughts just drift to him and I keep trying to just figure out a way to get over this but it’s like it’s all I can think about. I don’t get stuck on anyone. Ever. Not like this.” 

He hadn’t been like this even after losing his virginity, other than knowing that sex was fun and that he wanted more of it. Yes, he’d been disappointed in the past when he chatted someone up on one of the apps and he thought there could be more and they told him they were just after a bit of fun. Buck understood. He moved on to the next person and this time…maybe it was that he still saw Tommy almost every day. He wasn’t out of sight and he was definitely not out of mind. 

“Wait,” Hen said, “did you say him?”

Buck just nodded. “I’m…I realized a couple of weeks ago that I’m bi.”

He glanced at her and Hen just nodded. “That…you know what, Buck, that tracks.”

“What?” 

Hen chuckled. “Do you know how often you flirt with guys on calls? All the time. The girls, they approach you, but you’re the one that starts talking to the guys. I can’t say I didn’t wonder, but you never said anything so that was not my business.” 

“You should have,” Buck said. “That would have been a lot easier.” 

She laughed again. “I’m sure. So you hooked up with a guy and you want it to be more?” 

Didn’t he always want it to be more? He was always just so hopeful that he was liked enough and that whoever he was with had enough fun to want to hang out or try for even more than that. With Tommy there had been the night of their first kiss and Tommy inviting him into his bed. Buck would have been okay if it ended there. Okay, maybe he would have thought it to death, but it would have been par for the course. The difference was that Tommy had asked him on a date and Tommy had gone along when Buck followed him to the bathroom and Tommy had been just as eager to get back to his house as Buck had been after the date. 

Tommy had said he liked Buck. That had to mean that at some point he’d been thinking whatever they had going would turn into more, right? 

Buck nodded at Hen. “It happened a few times. We went on a date and then…then I mentioned he was the first guy I’d ever been with and it was like a switch flipped.”

“Oh,” Hen said. 

Buck hadn’t expected that he was going to explain what went down, but suddenly, it all just came right out. He realized that he did want to voice it. With Karen he hadn’t felt all that comfortable to say everything. Connor wouldn’t understand. Hen, though…Hen knew him. 

“We talked about it and it’s not like he kicked me out right there and then but I woke up and he’d left me in bed and then when I went to find him, he just kinda made it seem like he wanted me to leave so I left and since then we haven’t talked. It was a week, Hen, not even. One date. Neither of us said it but a second date wasn’t out of the question. So, why do I miss him so damn much?” 

Hen grabbed his hand. “Look, maybe you should find a way to talk to him again even if it is just for closure. Seems to me that’s what you both probably need. Just be prepared for it to just be closure.” 

“Right,” Buck said. “I guess that’s all I can hope for. Not sure it’s going to change anything for me.” 

“You can’t force someone to be with you. You can talk to them and maybe that will help. Who knows, Buck. One day you’ll find someone that you can get excited over.” 

“Thanks, Hen.” 

“And go down to the cots, you’ll sleep better there.”

Buck didn’t actually think he would. He headed down and almost missed a step when he saw Tommy. He was with Chim and they were rolling up hoses. Tommy’s arms were a distraction that Buck couldn’t look away from. It took him a minute to shake that off and continue down the stairs, past Tommy and Chim to the bunk room. Buck didn’t think he would manage to nap, but maybe closing his eyes would be enough to give him some rest. 

-

He shouldn’t have cared if Evan had already gone out and hooked up with someone. It was, after all, what Tommy expected from him. Except that, in that moment when he thought that was what had happened, he’d been angry. Jealous. But, and he didn’t think Evan would lie, Evan hadn’t spent all night fucking someone else. He’d spent it shopping and researching. Tommy knew exactly what it was Evan had likely been researching. 

After he’d finished helping Chim roll up the hoses so they were ready the next time they needed them, he found himself heading up the stairs. Hen was on the couch reading. Bobby was in his office. Some of the others had started a game of pool, but Tommy ignored them when he was called over, in favor of going to Hen. 

“Good book?” 

“Karen picked it up the other night,” she said. “It’s good so far. You’d probably like it, it has a romance subplot.” 

Tommy rolled his eyes. “I like things other than romance as a genre.” 

“And how many romantic Christmas movies have you watched this month?” Hen asked. 

“Not that many,” Tommy said. 

Hen rolled her eyes. “Your definition of not that many is questionable at best. You know for the romantic that you are, you really don’t put yourself out there enough. I can’t remember the last time you dated anyone.” 

“Dating in real life is not like in the movies. Or in books. It’s also mostly straight and white,” Tommy said. “The fairy tale is nice, but it isn’t real.” 

Tommy had come out to Hen a few years ago, she was the first one that he told at the 118. He’d been so nervous, but saying it outloud and admitting it had been freeing. He’d told Chim soon after that. That was probably when Tommy had finally started to embrace his true self, when he was ready for more than just sneaking around. 

“I guess maybe it’s time I actually download one of those apps.” 

Hen laughed. “Good luck with that.” 

“We can’t all be set up by Chim, you know.” 

“Hey, maybe he has a gay neighbor.”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “There was…there was someone. You know, exactly the type of person I’d want but I don’t want to put my all into something that has an end date.” 

Hen sat up, lowered her book. “How do you know it has an end date?” 

“I don’t, but that’s how it ends when you’re the first person they have a gay experience with.” Tommy shrugged his shoulders. “You get that right, like you still remember your first? First is never going to be more than that. It’s eye opening. It’s exciting. There is so much mixed in with it that it just won’t really end up working.” 

“Well, not if you don’t give it a chance,” Hen said. “Every relationship could end. Hell, Karen and I could break up. We did after the whole Ava thing and for a bit there I was sure we weren’t getting back together even though I’m pretty sure she’s the love of my life. But refusing to even try won’t get you closer to finding someone that goes the distance, Tommy. Refusing to face the obstacles and the hard times won’t get you anywhere.” 

“Yeah, but maybe I’m just meant to be alone,” Tommy said. “It’s been working so far.” 

“I would buy that if you actually wanted to be alone,” Hen said. “But you don’t. You’ve never wanted that. That guy, maybe you gave up too quickly.” 

Before he could respond, they were being called out. It left Hen’s words running through his mind. 

He and Hen rushed down the stairs. Tommy spotted Evan coming out of the locker room a little dishevelled. Cute. It would hurt so much if he actually did try and be with Evan for real and it failed. Maybe that was the whole point. 

Evan got to the truck before Tommy and Tommy climbed in after him, accidentally brushed the back of his hand against his and heard Evan gasp. Saw the way that he blushed and looked away out the window. 

They arrived at the mall where apparently a fight broke out in the line to see Santa. Tommy was curious, but he didn’t want to know exactly what had started it. The fight had brought down the whole display, injured several people, and even Santa had been taken down. His chair had collapsed and the stage hadn’t been able to catch the weight of the chair or Santa and so his left arm and left leg had gone through the thin plywood and the chair was half on him, keeping him pinned. 

It took the better part of an hour to get everyone looked at and to get Santa out, the kids watching anxiously behind a rope not helping one bit. 

“I never believed in Santa,” Evan said while he and Tommy cut through the plywood to make it easier to get Santa out. 

Santa made a noise at that. 

Chim shot Evan a look from where he was taking Santa’s vitals. 

“Maybe don’t say that too loud or the kids will hear you,” Tommy said. 

“Oh. Right,” Evan said, glancing over at the kids. 

Once they got Santa out and Chim and Hen took over looking at his leg and arm, Evan actually wandered over to the kids. 

“Hey, guys, just wanted to let you know Santa is going to be just fine,” Evan announced to them. “He’ll be good as new come Christmas Eve. Don’t you worry about all the presents he has to deliver. He’s magic, you know.” 

Tommy couldn’t look away, not from the way that Evan crouched down to talk to a little girl that barely came up to Evan’s knee or how he high fived a little boy with askew glasses. Evan stayed with the kids for a few minutes longer and Tommy just watched. Admired. He hadn’t forgotten that this side of Evan existed, but to have it presented in front of him gave him pause. 

When they were back out at the truck, Tommy couldn’t help but turn to Evan. “So, enlighten us, why didn’t you believe in Santa?” 

Evan looked surprised for a moment, like the last thing he’d expected was to have Tommy say anything to him. 

“I never once got what I asked for, just the things my parents thought were appropriate. Practical things. When I asked them point blank, they just told me it was a story, that of course he wasn’t real.” 

Tommy’s own parents hadn’t been great. His dad in particular had gotten truly bad the older Tommy got, but his mom had tried when it came to the holidays even after Tommy had grown out of thinking magic was real and that Santa was real. 

“That sucks, Buck,” Chim said. 

“I mean it doesn’t matter. My parents weren’t good parents, but they meant well. They’re good people.”

Tommy didn’t know what that meant. What it did make him feel was a bit of sadness for Evan and the child that he’d been once. He realized, then, that for all that Evan loved to overshare, he rarely spoke about his family. This was the first that Tommy had ever heard about them and it seemed it was the same for everyone else. Even when they had spoken about all the jobs Evan had done before he joined the LAFD, Evan had never explained what it was that made him leave home and Tommy hadn’t pried. 

“My sister tried to make up for it,” Evan added. “We used to make cookies every Christmas and when she got her license she would take me out and we’d drive around looking at all the lights.” 

Evan had a sister. 

“Where’s your sister now?” Bobby asked. 

Evan faltered. “She…she’s back in Pennsylvania. I haven’t spoken to her in a while.”

There was a deeper story there, a reason why Evan had a frown on and a nervousness that told Tommy he didn’t want to keep talking about it. He saw Chim readying to ask a question, could see the concern on Hen. Even Bobby had turned to look at Buck. 

“Does Denny still believe in Santa?” Tommy asked. 

“Yes,” Hen said. “He also knows Karen and I go a little overboard and not all his gifts are from Santa.” 

They all laughed and he felt Evan press his leg into his, leaving it there. A thank you. Tommy didn’t move his leg away and it was such an innocent touch but it was Evan and it was his warmth and Tommy was maybe still thinking about what Hen had said earlier. 

-

Their twenty four ended early in the morning and considering his lack of sleep before the shift started and the few very short lived naps he’d managed to get while on shift, Buck was more than ready to crawl into his bed and not leave it until he had to be at work. 

He was the first to make it to the locker room and he was surprised when Tommy showed up soon after. 

“Hey,” Tommy said, which was different than how any interaction had gone between them since their date. 

“Hi,” Buck said. 

“I, uh, I wanted to say I’m sorry for ignoring you this past week. It wasn’t fair of me.” 

Buck hadn’t expected that. It was the last thing he expected from Tommy after how quick he’d been to drop Buck. He did think that Tommy had been thawing out a bit all shift, but enough for him to actually apologize. 

“You just blind sighted me, I guess,” Tommy said. 

“By not telling you that you made me realize I’m bi?” 

“Yeah. I guess I didn’t react well,” Tommy said. 

“Instead of being flattered?” 

Tommy snorted. 

Buck shrugged. “According to Hen, I’ve flirted with a lot of guys on calls. I’m also pretty sure I left Peru with Connor because I had a small crush on him. But you’re the one that really got me to see it. Says a lot about you.” 

“I — should I say thank you for that?” Tommy asked. 

“You can,” Buck said. “Shouldn’t you?” 

Tommy huffed out a small laugh. Buck loved that sound. They both heard footsteps and then Hen followed by Chim and Bobby entered. Tommy turned away. Buck finished putting his stuff away in his duffle. He slung it over his shoulder. 

“I’ll see you guys next shift,” he said. 

“Don’t forget your Secret Santa gift,” Hen said. 

“I won’t,” Buck said. 

When he looked back, his eyes met Tommy’s. There was something there, something that made Buck want to just go up to him and kiss him. Buck knew he was impulsive enough to do it, it was just that he also felt something take hold of him and hold him back. 

He turned away instead and walked out. A moment later he heard footsteps behind him. Tommy was rushing after him. 

“Evan,” he called out. 

Buck turned. He expected Tommy to say something, maybe continue the conversation that was interrupted.

“Tommy?” 

Tommy stepped into his space, his hand lifted up and tipped his chin up and then he was kissing him.

[leedongsik]

“Are you happy now?”

[faaun]

we sang in the aeroplane over the sea tgth ☆

[cupiidzbow]

im doing something different for commissions this coming time

[danielnelsen]

ughhh had the most frustrating conversation with my dad. i’m going out to do a bunch of stuff today and he suggested the travel time will be 1.5 hrs and i was like ‘ugh i really dont want this to be an 8 hr day’ and he was saying all the things i’m gonna enjoy and i was like ‘it’s not about enjoying the individual parts, it’s about how long it is’ and he was like ‘well no it’s not about how long it is, it’s about enjoying it!’ and he just would NOT consider that maybe it might be tiring, even if im doing things i enjoy. ‘don’t taint the idea of it by thinking about how long it’s gonna take’ like???? sorry i dont wanna be wiped out for the rest of the week. i know you’ve never had a major health issue in your life but some of us have to plan our activities in advance and consider the amount that we’re able to do. i’m not being needlessly pessimistic, im trying to make sure i actually DO enjoy myself

[b-blushes]

i will be honest. not feeling so good today.

group feeble weeping in 2 seconds then we get on with the day (resting and caring for ourselves as best we can) <3

[whoblewboobear]

I know I’m hanging around the office late but why the hell is everyone else hanging around the office late today?? This is an building full of people that leave early what’s going on 👀

[lanshappycorner]

.

[slowparts]

job making me feel like highkey insane today. i am biting and gnashing through the bars of my prison. i don’t care that im making money let me outttt

[paverics]

i love it when families have specific little oddities. like you can’t even mention malta to my mother without her threatening to kneecap you. because we had a bad holiday experience there. once. 19 year ago. and she has refused to ever set foot in the country or hear its name ever again

[usertoxicyaoi]

god they really are So Pretty huh ..........

[daforged]

there’s a lot of things im not enjoying about my life right now but i think the worst one is that i don’t have anything to talk about other than how miserable and tired and unmotivated i am

[musiquesduciel]

My new Macbook Air in Starlight ✨

[seenthisepisode]

who knew not eating like an animal before bedtime results in sleeping for a shorter time, sleeping better and waking up rested

[labetalol]

i am not getting over his ass btw i'm going to Mourn Him Forever

[formula-fun]

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