#and i know it’s my cptsd + general stress of this stressful life event

[slowparts]

job making me feel like highkey insane today. i am biting and gnashing through the bars of my prison. i don’t care that im making money let me outttt

[solarianvoidthearoace]

I’m hesitant to call myself disabled

Or even refer to my frequent joint problems/ pain as chronic. I mean, yeah, I have been wearing my wrist splint the last 6 weeks + and my wrist hurts when I pick up something heavier than a water bottle. But does that count, though? Does it?

And my knees are currently fine because I have been wearing my orthopaedic insoles. So I’m technically not hindered by my knees.

My migraine and occasional headache comes and goes, that’s neither here nor there. – I did have mild headaches for almost 20 months straight in 2021 & 2022

As for my orthostatic intolerance, yeah, that’s been a bitch. (Probably worse than before ever since I had Covid beginning of November 2022) But I also feel like I just drink too little. And if that’s it, do I even have orthostatic dysfunction? Sure, it’s too warm for me already and I’m about panting when I took two flights of stairs at 25°C. But is that orthostatic intolerance or am I just lazy and unathletic?

I have had most of this shit (joint pains, back pain, orthostatic intolerance/ cardiovascular weakness, migraines) since my mid- to late-teens.

And yet

Jury’s still out on whether I genuinely have any form of dysautonomia and what’s up with my joints, whether that’s some rheumatism

Like, I got myself a cane to try out whether that can help me. I’m used to just… coping with shit. I have a whole drawer of splints and support bandages. I started wearing compression stockings back in 2021.

I… I cope and I feel like no doctor will diagnose me with shit but I also feel like I couldn’t accept hearing “no, you’re healthy and just need to work out more”. So I’m not exactly eager to see a medical specialist although I really want to know what’s wrong with my body and I want it acknowledged. But that’s also the thing, I want acknowledgement and assistance with coping rather than a cure and… I feel like that’s also… like, if it was “bad enough”, if it was genuinely disabling, I would want it gone, right?

But I have already accepted that living with these issues is fine, that it’s not going to be curable and that I’ll cope and that’ll be my life. Which, I know that sounds stupid and I understand if someone called me a faking attention seeker. Not getting help at all seems… not even trying to get help, maintaining my status quo, seems easier than to struggle with medical professionals.

I’m 24, I’m too young for this shit and if it was chronic it would have been a problem for years so why didn’t I go see a doctor when it started?

Plus I always felt like my mental illnesses and my neurodivergence are the bigger hinderance in my life.

Well, at least during school they were. Unmedicated ADHD-PI, major depression, generalised anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, complex trauma/ CPTSD, trauma regarding specific events, and I’m very likely also autistic.

And let me tell you, my RSD and AvPD are pretty rough on literally any social interaction. I refuse to ask for help because I don’t want to burden people. I refuse to ask for accommodations I’m entitled to because I’m worried someone might question my right to accessibility. Generally, anxiety controls every aspect of me being a member of society and I think some demand-avoidance might also factor in because I’m just so scared of fucking up that doing nothing and getting yelled at seems less stressful than putting in work and getting yelled at none the less.

And “very likely” is putting it mildly, I very much fit the described experience of AuDHD folks. But technically it could also just be my anxieties making it look like I’m autistic. Which I doubt but since I was also told I’m not depressed, it’s just AvPD, eeeeh… yeah.

I’m pretty confident with my self-assessment even though I have had people laugh in my face when I told them about self-diagnosing.

Idk man, I just live here.

And I sometimes feel like I’m faking it…? Even though from my experience acknowledging stuff like my autism only got me snide comments to not be difficult and just push myself to comply. So idk which benefit I would gain from faking any of these issues. But the imposter syndrome is still there.

Further self-conscious identity struggle under the cut.

And while you can pry “queer” from my cold dead hands, I don’t feel entitled to refer to myself as gay

I’m aroace but in terms of queerplatonic/ alterous attraction I would date someone regardless of gender BUT I have a definite preference for femboys, femme men, non-binary men and AMAB* non-binary people

I myself am a transneutral-transmasc person and never connected with “being a woman/ girl”. I have always felt more comfortable being a guy but I acknowledge I’m not a man. I’m an agender guy and I’m a genderqueer guy and I’m masc transneutral. I consider the terms masculenby and MINgender also correct descriptors but only in reference of me being agender-genderqueer. Like, that’s the focal point, the frame of reference. I’m agender and genderqueer first and foremost, only within that is my gender experience masc-in-nature and vaguely aligned with masculinity.

So my attraction to queer men and my gender being masc-aligned… I don’t feel like I’m allowed to call myself gay. Because I don’t make an effort to look masc/ genderqueer/ agender

I want to make it clear I would never judge or discredit someone in my exact situation for calling themself gay or a fag or whatever they want to use to describe their achillean attraction.

I just don’t feel like I’m allowed to because I get treated and pass for a tomboy cis-woman. I firmly reject the notion of being a woman, I am not woman and never was a girl. But I still appear to be one so I feel like I can’t raise a stink around it.

Which is also why I don’t think my ideal relationship has any chance of happening.

I want to be with an AMAB* non-binary person who is feminine. They don’t need to be transfem but my attraction is certainly geared towards flamboyant and effeminate men and AMAB* enby people. Could probably be simplified to femboys. *I feel weird referring to this as a genital preference but I acknowledge that that is part of it and hence saying AMAB is not entirely correct. Because I’m sex-averse and would rather not but I can see myself having sex again with a future partner who happens to have a penis. I can not picture myself having sex with someone without a penis. And that genital preference kinda makes me feel icky because I’m agender myself and I feel like it shouldn’t matter but…

If I were to find a partner like that, chances are they would understand and accept my own complex relationship to gender and how I feel about myself in relation to being masc, being a guy, not being a man, being agender-genderqueer.

But even if that was to fit, I doubt I would be lucky enough to have that same person be understanding and supportive of my aroace-ness. It’s unshakeable I’m aroace and that can’t be removed from who I am. Much less in a relationship. I’m proudly aromantic and I’m a sex-averse asexual. Wouldn’t want to chance either of those aspects. (Although I could do without the sexual trauma.)

Actually, regarding tertiary attraction. I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction as a blanket statement. But I do experience physical attraction, the want to be close, the tactile attraction to cuddle and kiss someone, I crave domesticity and to have a person I can call my home. My person, my home, my domestic bliss. And I don’t know whether what I experience – what I want for my ideal relationship – is actually alterous attraction. I think it is because it goes beyond queerplatonic, even, and it’s more than queerplatonic but the exact mixture it is is individual to the partner I’m with. Which is why I chose to use the term idemalterous; I don’t know whether it really is that different from queerplatonic attraction but I choose to define it as alterous attraction.

I don’t think there is a chance of me finding a person who accepts and supports my identity even if they are the one stuck with me for a partner. My relationship to sex/ my asexuality is a bit layered and I dare say contradictory. I want a partner who finds me sexually attractive and is, uhm, sexually available…? for those few rare once-in-a-blue-moon occasions I would like to sleep with them. With how inherently queer my attraction is, with how inherently queer my “type” is, I do have some ideas about sexual activity tbh. Like, it’s queer sex between queer people anyway, why bother simulating heteros? Although I do have my sexual trauma to consider and I know it’s a huge turn-off for many people that even if I’m interested I wouldn’t be as available as someone without trauma around sex.

Although I partially think my huge trauma around kink is a bigger hinderance than my asexuality/ sex-aversion. A lot more people are a lot more kinky than they give themself credit for and I’m someone who can not “give it a try”. Which disqualifies me for a larger demographic of potential partners than one might think.

I would like to have someone to love, to be domestic with, to hype each other up, care for and support each other because we want to. Yes I would like if that person found me sexually attractive even if I can’t return that, and them being aromantic is somewhat implicit because I need them to understand how attraction and relationships work for me. I would very much like to find my queerplatonic “one and only”, to find someone who can in return also put the work in to make us become that “the one” for each other. But I know my preferences are too specific.

And to have that supportive, accepting, queerplatonically-loving person be an alt/ punk/ goth/ emo femboy? Yeah, big chance that’ll ever happen to me. (Sarcasm.)

So settling with the thought of my ideal relationship being unachievable is easier. I’m not saying a person like this doesn’t exist, I’m not saying people like me can’t find happy relationships.

I’m just saying I don’t believe in myself ever getting that. Finding that. Which is why I refuse to call this hopes or expectations or anything more concrete than preferences and dreams.

Because my wishes are a great deal above someone just treating me well and respecting me. And I know I just don’t get lucky like that so there is no point in calling this a hope when I know full-well it’s an unrealistic dream.

[morethanourdiagnosis]

Yet again another update 2 years later…

Well I forgot once again that this blog even existed but tbh that last update I made things were really a lot like I made that June of 2021 just after losing my Grandma like a couple months after that my Grandad here in the UK had heart failure and he moved in with us as he needed care.

He kept getting worse after that his health slowly declined and he died May of last year. Then October last year my Granddad in Spain got worse. He’s been on dialysis for years so he was never in you know super good health but he wasn’t doing awful either until the heart attack he had but even then he bounced back from that pretty well all things considered. He ended up with an infection in his feet it was necrotic but the Drs didn’t care his dialysis Dr is the one who got their attention and got him admitted.

We managed to get him into this place which is an assisted living place with a care home for patients with greater needs and is a rehab centre for people who’ve suffered things like strokes. They gave him better care than the hospital. Apparently when you’ve got dialysis they tend to ignore and not treat other issues or more specifically how far along he was with his dialysis. Infections are also common in patients with dialysis. I had to do all he work to find him a home and with my anxiety that was so stressful making phone calls with minimal understanding or ability to speak in Spanish.

Earlier this year in March the dialysis stopped working and we weren’t able to make it out in time before he passed we were one day late. He died the day before we were due to fly out. We found out Sunday booked flights for Tuesday but he died Monday so it’s not like we waited around we booked flights as soon as we could.

So my year or life in general didn’t get easier or less eventful since last year. I also had some mental health shit too. I’ve had some bipolar episodes this year after thinking the meds had stopped all that it was sad and scary as I’ve got no more meds to try just the one I’m on now or we try lithium. Literally tried every other drug available according to my psych.

I started therapy in January though with my ex NHS CMHT therapist who went private. She’s very good and doesn’t charge extortionate prices I get the impression her motivations for going private were not monetary based especially based on what I know and experienced of my old CMHT. Oh and I had a dx review and assessment found out I have Bipolar type 1. It was never listed in my notes what Bipolar type I had but I’d always assumed type 2 so that was interesting. Also got diagnosed with panic disorder and to no one’s surprise CPTSD which my therapist is treating with EMDR therapy which has been good but also very hard on my mental health being forced to relive trauma is gonna do that though so it’s what it is. It’s worth it in the end.

[aspen-mayne]

I believe it's super important to educate people on mental health (and other psychological differences).

People communicate their experiences through the frameworks they've been taught. If we don't educate people about different frameworks, then they are limited on how they can describe their experiences.

When I was thirteen, I told my parents this big life changing event was going to make me more "bitchy." Bitchy was the best framework I had to describe my experiences with mood changes, negative emotions, difficulty with changes, feeling overwhelmed, and other struggles with being stressed. I understood bitchy and could communicate that because that's how people referred to me. My family said I was being bitchy.

I found out a couple years later that everything I was describing could be called depression and anxiety. I had discovered new frameworks to understand and explain my own experiences. I was able to communicate that to a doctor because I had learned about depression and anxiety. Using my old framework, being bitchy was never a good enough reason to seek help. Being bitchy was just a personality trait, it was fundamental, unfixable.

I used depression and anxiety to describe my life, until they stopped being enough. I learned about cptsd and developed another framework to describe and explain my life. I was able to communicate that I was experiences triggers, not just experiences generalized anxiety.

Again, my ability to describe my life and my experiences changed when I learned about autism. I developed another framework to see my life through. And I am able to see that autism better describes my depression and anxiety, autism better describes why I was so "bitchy."

No doctor told me about depression, anxiety, ptsd, or autism. I had to learn about it for myself. I always accepted things as normal until I learned that it could be something else. Without learning about these things, I would still think that I am just bitchy, and that's why life is hard. I'd never think to seek help or a diagnosis. I'd never know that what I was experiencing had a name, that there were others like me, with the same experiences.

Educating people is so important. There are so many people in my life who aren't educated, who still only view me as bitchy because that's the only framework they know. And they will never know anything else unless they're educated and develop other frameworks, other ways, to interpret and understand the world.

[clever-and-unique-name]

Hi i hope you're doing ok today. I wondered if i could ask your opinion or vent a little? I've been working with my therapist on part stuff and learning about my trauma but when i asked her where she thought i was on the dissociative spectrum she said I should do some reading and see what i felt fit best. But I feel like I'm not sure. How do i know if I'm cptsd or did it osdd ?

It sounds to me like your therapist is encouraging you to take a closer look at your experiences with some academic backing which, incidentally, is also what I'd suggest.

CPTSD / OSDD / DID are diagnostic blocks along the dissociative spectrum (which is more of a dissociation blob, really), and I'm generally of a mind that it doesn't matter as much what diagnostic label you fall under, it matters more how you connect with different parts of yourself (or don't.)

All that said, I'm going to drop a big long (LONG) quote from one of my favorite books on the subject, Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect, under a readmore. Please bear in mind this is an excerpt from one book under one school of thought, not the end-all-be-all of dissociation! It may help you examine your experiences like your therapist wanted though.

Cheers, and best of luck.

DIMENSIONS OF DISSOCIATION

In CBP, we can assess a person’s dissociative process across a series of dimensions: cohesiveness, engagement, embodiment, and level of resources (see Figure 7.1).

We approach this work under the basic premise that everyone has different parts of self that are more or less interconnected. Consider, for instance, the part of you that is your “work self,” versus who you are with your family of origin, versus the part of you that engages with other people at a party or other social event. Cohesive parts of self are able to work together rather fluidly, as a person shifts according to the demands of the situation.

For instance, an executive may have a part of self with a strong drive toward success but notices when that drive begins to interfere with his home life. He is then able to draw on a softer side of himself to reorient more toward his relationships. In this example, the executive’s “work self” and “family self” are relatively cohesive and are able to work together to maintain homeostasis.

However, early trauma can lead to a disconnection among these parts of self. In a person who is less cohesive, these parts may operate in conflict with each other, viewing other parts as weak, untrustworthy, or dangerous. For instance, a person with a dominant part of self who believes that “it is not safe to be angry” might experience irritation or resentment but disconnects from these reactions, discounting the impulse to express anger as “ridiculous.” As these dissociated emotions proliferate, the silenced part may become embittered or begin to simmer with rage.

At the least cohesive end of this continuum of fragmentation, parts of self may not have knowledge of each other and instead will operate in isolation, with little to no communication within the larger system. Generally, more severe early abuse and neglect is associated with more fragmentation in parts of self. Clients who have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) would be at the more fragmented end of this continuum. However, it is important to note that CBP considers “parts” language and conceptualization to be helpful with many survivors of early relational trauma, including many people who would not meet the criteria for DID or another dissociative disorder in DSM-5.

The continuum of engagement refers to awareness of and connection with the external world. The most engaged clients are attuned to their external environment, using all of the five primary senses to interact with the environment. Moving toward the disengaged end of the continuum, some people have a tendency to separate from awareness of their surroundings in stressful situations. They may “space out” or have trouble tracking a conversation. At the farthest end of this continuum, some people are generally disconnected from the external environment and from other people. This can impact memory, narrative, and continuity of experience. For instance, some of our clients have described living for many years in a fog and having limited to no memories of this time period. It is important to note that, for more fragmented clients, different parts of self often fall at different points along dimensions of the CBP components, complicating assessment and treatment planning with these clients. For instance, considering the continuum of engagement, Nicole has a hypervigilant part that is highly engaged with the environment but is anxious and fearful. However, she also has a self-protective part that disengages from the world around her in an attempt to regulate.

The third dimension, degree of embodiment, refers to the ability to connect to one’s body and internal sensations. While external awareness relies on the use of the five primary senses, embodiment draws on a host of other senses such as proprioception (the sense of one’s body in space), equilibrioception (sense of balance), thermoception and nocioception (the perceptions of temperature and pain), and interoception (awareness of sensations within the body). A person who is embodied can utilize somatic sensations to increase awareness of affect, cognitions, and impulses. They are also more able to access parts of self by utilizing somatic means. Thus, body-based therapies that increase somatic awareness can be a means of increasing cohesion among parts of self.

Disembodiment occurs when people are unaware of somatic sensations and are often frightened to focus attention on their bodies. It is not uncommon for us to encounter clients who have disconnected from their internal experience, being left with an intellectual understanding of themselves but a sense of alienation from self. In people who are quite fragmented, one part may somatically “hold” certain memories or internal experiences, leaving other parts disconnected from those experiences. Engagement of the body in treatment is also essential for clients who are highly disembodied, but the pacing must be adapted to allow these clients to remain within their window of tolerance as they slowly reestablish connection with their physical selves.

The last dimension, level of resources, refers to the degree to which clients are able to access parts of themselves for healthy coping. Clients who are underresourced tend to have difficulty tolerating uncomfortable feelings and limited capacity to understand their parts of self as a system. Their parts are often more extreme and are not channeled toward effective current-day living. For instance, on one hand, a self-protective part may tend to act out in rage versus being assertive. On the other hand, a client who has more access to internal resources has at least some capacity to tolerate difficult emotions and some coping mechanisms. She has some capacity for self-reflection and is able to harness the adaptive purpose of different parts of self. She has some understanding of how her personality is constructed and can become curious about, and compassionate toward, her parts of self. This understanding allows her to harness the adaptive purpose of her different parts of self. Clients often develop or gain greater access to internal resources held by different parts of themselves as they progress in therapy.

[asking-jude]

I’ve only just now recognised that I have a lot of built up trauma. It’s taken such a toll on me, I don’t know what to do. As a child, I had a bad home environment alongside severe bullying that progressed to online bullying. It got to a point where it was never ending, no matter where I was whether that be school, home or even just out and about something would negatively happen. Even with this all, my whole life I’ve been forced to push it all aside and act like the impact of it all wasn’t even that bad. I’m 19 now and yet I feel like I’m having a midlife crisis of sorts. My panic attacks are worse, I’m too scared to sleep due to the disappointment that comes with waking up, I get terrible stomach aches due to the pent up stress and excessive crying. Sometimes I feel so numb and empty, it’s so lonely. I just don’t know who I am and don’t know what to do with all this emotional baggage.

It sounds like you were surrounded by people who consistently failed you. I’m so sorry. You absolutely deserve help and you always have. It sounds like you had a rough, possibly abusive upbringing, combined with relentless bullying. You’re only human; you aren’t made of stone. It makes sense for any one of those constant factors to do a number on your mental health; I’d think almost anyone in your situation would not come out unscathed in any way. I have articles on the situations you’re dealing with as well as some pointers on how to get out of them.

Untreated mental illnesses, stress, or PTSD can manifest in physical symptoms, as well. That could very well be what you’re dealing with here. I highly suggest seeking a proper diagnosis because that alone can help you. It wouldn’t surprise me if you’ve developed CPTSD, which stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This happens when someone is repeatedly exposed to traumatic events or situations, not one singular event. 

PTSD of any sort typically means your brain is stuck in danger mode; it’s reactive and seeks out any sort of danger signals. This makes it hard to properly eat, sleep, connect with others, manage stress, assess risks, and more. 

These articles should provide more information on PTSD and trauma in general:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/

https://dualdiagnosis.org/mental-health-and-addiction/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-addiction/how-trauma-affects-the-human-body/

https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/past-trauma-may-haunt-your-future-health

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

https://greenwoodcounselingcenter.com/difference-ptsd-complex-ptsd/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-and-complex-ptsd/complex-ptsd/

Bullying in any form is bad, but the difference between in-person and cyber bullying is that one stops when you leave school while the other follows you home and everywhere else. I used to be a teacher, so I had to attend training sessions on bullying and cyber bullying; we learned the negative impacts of bullying on both the victims and the bullies themselves. What we’ve learned is that the more methods of communication we have, the more avenues mean people have to abuse others. 

These articles discuss the negative impacts bullying has on young people:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4126576/

https://www.stopbullying.gov/blog/2019/10/25/effects-bullying-mental-health

So before anyone tells you to “get over it,” know that bullying can have lasting effects; social scientists are studying these because bullying hurts everyone. It’s okay for you to be dealing with them after the fact; you were repeatedly exposed to harmful situations, so you learned coping mechanisms to keep yourself safe. What you may find is that they may not always help you now; when you’re out of a dangerous or toxic situation, you have to unlearn those trauma responses and learn different ones. In other words, it is a process. 

My biggest pieces of advice are to move someplace safe and to start building a treatment plan. I’m not sure what your living situation is right now, nor do I know how your area is doing with the pandemic. If you’re still at home with family, the sooner you get out of a toxic environment, the better off you’ll be. Do you have other family or friends you can stay with? Start saving any money you can someplace that no one else will be able to access. If you’re in school, speak with your campus counseling center. 

If you are living on your own/not at home, great! You’ve taken a major step in the healing process. That means you can move on to step 2- assembling Team You. Thanks to COVID, lots of medical and healthcare professionals have moved to Telehealth programs. See if you can find one for a therapist or counselor. You can try the SAMHSA site for starters, or seek out services like BetterHelp or TalkSpace. Search up low-cost mental health services. I would suggest searching for someone who specializes in PTSD or offers Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. This is especially useful for folks dealing with PTSD.

This article explains it well:

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing

I really want you to recognize that you don’t have to pretend everything is fine. You’re allowed to have bad days, you’re allowed to feel hurt, you’re allowed to ask for help. You deserve to thrive, not just survive.

Socially-distanced hugs,

Angelica Barile

Asking Jude has moved to its OWN platform at askingjude.org. We will still be answering submissions on Asking Jude, but the new website’s submissions will take priority. We highly recommend you create an account on Asking Jude’s website, so you can receive 24/7 support from the Asking Jude Team and our community members. 

[defiantsuggestions]

Hello I've just discovered your blog. And I really liked your pinned post! I wanted to ask, what sort of asks you respond to? I wanted to ask a few questions about my situation to do with trauma and cptsd but I would hate to ... mmm I don't know the word but like, send something you would be uncomfortable with? Trauma is such a difficult subject that even hearing other people talk about their situation can be triggering or crossing over boundaries. So I don't want to do that !

Hi there! Thank you~ I know buttons don't always work on mobile, so having a pinned post was the best way I could think of to have my about page somewhere people could actually see it.

I respond to most things that come in my inbox unless it's something offensive. I don't respond to creepy trolling type asks, or asks that attack other victims. I don't answer asks that demonize groups of people, or that assume any demographic is inherently abusive.

I must stress that I am not in any way a professional. I am not an expert on mental health, and there are a lot of things I don't know. I can give personal advice and opinion, but that's what it is, opinion.

(I also have limited energy and time, so answers won't always happen right away. I feel bad when an ask sits in my inbox for a week but sometimes it just be like that.)

I answer vent asks, where if you just wanna talk about how your abuser was awful I'll read through it and try to offer supportive words.

I'll answer general questions. I tend to get a lot of asks with folks asking if an act done to them was abuse. I get that, it took me a long time to realize my family was abusive, and I know just having someone look at what was done and say, "oh, they were horrible for doing that to you" is important. Validation is important. Having other people recognize abuse as abuse is important.

Especially since abusers will often form their own little community of people who will be on their side, so victims wind up surrounded by people telling them that the abuse they suffered wasn't really abuse, which absolutely sucks to deal with. Especially when you have no other point of refference.

I can't tell you how to get out of a bad situation. I can validate you, and I can tell you that you need to get out, but the actual process of leaving is more complicated than I can deal with.

I'm uncomfortable advising any sort of action when it comes to how to deal with an abuser directly because I don't know how they'll react if my advice is wrong, and I want people to stay safe. The most I can say is "avoid contact as much as you can, do what you need to do to stay safe, and get away as soon as possible."

I'm uncomfortable with going into too much detail about my own situation due to privacy reasons; I'm as vague as I can be while still sharing life events, so anything digging too much into my situation will either be ignored or politely rejected.

I'm also uncomfortable with sexual abuse, and would prefer not to receive asks that go into detail about such events.

That's everything I can think of at present, I think I covered everything.

Thank you for asking, by the way. I appreciate it. ^^

[hillnerd-art]

14,17, or 34 for hinny??? Just whatever you are feeling haha :) love all that you do!! ❤️

Hinny shot taken by the wizard paparazzi

14 Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.

17 Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

34 Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

Answers under the cut:

HARRY

14 Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.He has a myriad of scars of course- many that we're familiar with. Eventually he can't deal much with spicy food when he's older.Long-term illness- I am of the opinion that he has CPTSD (complex post-traumatic shock disorder)- which is a unique condition from PTSD in that it stems from repeated stressful traumatic events. This is something  people who suffered long-term emotional and physical abuse can develop- and I think his upbringing along with the string of traumatic events he's gone through in school/war- makes it clear that this would manifest pretty hard. He's stubborn about getting help for it at first, because he's loath to discuss his very intimate personal feelings on matters with anyone- let alone some perfect stranger- but I figure after some event or somesuch that makes it clear everything is out of control if he doesn't address this- he seeks help.17 Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dressHe hates having to put much thought into things- so if he finds an outfit he likes he'll wear it until he's forced not to- either by the material finally falling apart, or someone intervening and saying 'you can't wear that anymore.' He's perfectly content to let other people pick things out that they think will look good on him because he really doesn't care much about the look- it's more about the utilitarian purposes, the comfort of it- and wanting to blend in. He doesn't want to stand out a crowd- je just wants to get along, dress appropriately for whatever it is he's doing, and have things go smoothly.He hates when 'new circumstances/events' come up when it comes to dress- because when faced with the 'what am I supposed to wear to this' problem he has not a clue. He wasn't much informed on things or walked through it as a kid- so even later in life he'll freeze up and be like:'uh... so like, do I need a tie?''to the back to school night? Not unless you want to.''Yeah, but, I mean, I want to dress, you know, appropriately. Will parents be wearing ties?''I'm not going to.''Ginny!''Harry! *she smiles*'34 Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

Harry is Mr Privacy with the public at large, and is slow to open up to people in general. He'll happily discuss something he discovered with someone if he feels he can trust them with this information- and even can go over facts of his past- but emotional content? Oh jeeze- he is so hard at expressing his emotions to people, and talking about them is like pulling teeth. He HATES talking about his feelings- and only has like 3 people in the world he's willing to do that with (4 before Sirius died.) He learns to open up a bit more with his kids and let them in when he thinks he should- and learns to be a whole lot more expressive about his love and appreciation for people- but he will never be one to wax poetic, be public about it, or declarative about stuff.

Ginny

14 Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.She's in peak physical health! Has a couple of good scars on her knees from childhood, and a couple from the Carrows- but is fairly good.Mentally she definitely went through some deep trauma- and tends to act out in anger and lack impulse control- so has some work ahead of her on this in early adulthood.17 Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dressShe's the 'effortless' casual tom-boy girl-next-door type. She would rather underdress than overdress- Style-wise, she's proud of her physique and is not against showing it off. She hates anything that feels like it's stifling her movements- so likes anything formfitting to feel breezy- Fit is of upmost importance to her- the second she feels she's swimming in fabric or is being bunched in and constricted the wand comes out to make an alteration on the fly - she's that girl who can strategically knot something and look amazing. She will never wear a tight corset type thing ever. She loves getting to choose what she wears as she gets older- the relief of being able to choose for oneself is something she does not take for granted.34 Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

There are certain things she is immensely private about- especially after the diary incident. She had her openness and trust so thoroughly invaded that there's a definite wall there.

In other things she'll be way too TMI- she's the sort who among good friends, especially with a drink in her, will go into a story with stuff like 'so there I was, my feet in the stirrups and the intern is staring at my vagina like he's discovered an ancient tomb' - Completely shameless.

There are certain things that she's hella private about- but others that she'll just put out there without a care in the world. She curses freely- and when she's a hotshot quidditch player the press love her cavelier attitude to just say all out if someone was 'playing like an asshole.' However this is very different from her private life- the second they're trying to get her to spill the beans on Harry she's like 'not why I'm here, mate!' *middle finger* *later seen snogging harry

[aceyanaheim]

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I��ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

[altruisticenigma]

"You think I have CPTSD?" "Yes, I do." ~~~~~~~~~~~ I started seeing my old psychiatrist again, the one I used to see when I was an adolescent. She was excellent- she always genuinely listened to me talk forever, on and on, and I cried a lot during my sessions. I saw her for about probably 3-5 years. She was the one who officially diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. She always commented on how mature and intelligent I seemed at that age, (a common thing for childhood trauma victims) and that was because my father demanded I be hyperrational and justify my every move- to the point where self-doubt and insecurity is the root of all my decisions to this day. I started seeing her again because my counselor at my previous college believed I probably had PTSD, and that I should begin either EMDR therapy or trauma-based CBT. I tried to hunt for a new psychiatrist, but in the end it made sense to return to a psychiatrist who already knew my history, and already knew me. Returning to her office felt like returning to a place where time had never passed. We got back into the rhythm of things as if I had never aged, and she had never aged. She helped me find a new therapist at my new college who can hopefully conduct some trauma therapy, and she ran some diagnostics exams on me to see what's up with my new symptoms. She did comment once more that I was so incredibly intellectual, and it was in response to me justifying my decision to transfer schools with several different reasons to switch over. She said that my feeling alone, my empty feelings at my college, should have been enough. She also lowkey mentioned my Dad being a narcissist, which well, wouldn't be far off. But in her diagnostics exam... I scored 57 out of 88. A 44-88 range indicates some sort of PTSD, so I obviously have moderate PTSD. The 57 also indicates I am in the range for complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which was what my old psychiatrist at my previous college said I possibly could have. Now not only one psychiatrist who had barely anything to do with me is saying I have C/PTSD... but now two are saying I have C/PTSD, and this one knows my previous history. Two psychiatrists. She said she couldn't officially diagnose me as an adult since we've only had two sessions and it isn't enough time to fully assess my situation and symptoms, but knowing my previous history she can make that educated guess. I drove home that day... Feeling shocked. Numb. My body couldn't react. I was valid, I knew inside I was happy... but I couldn't feel happy? I knew all along I probably had CPTSD; it made sense in the long run. I've had repeated traumatic events to the point where I describe my identity and my major life points with them. I'm beginning to show more and more classic symptoms, like an exaggerated startle response to everything, but... fuck dude, my anxiety literally upgraded itself. My psychiatrist explained it like this: GAD is anxiety with no trauma tied to itself; she originally diagnosed me with that so that she could protect me from parental scrutiny ("she has TRAUMA?! From WHERE?!?") and my symptoms matched better to that. But now that I'm an adult it's occurred as anxiety tied specifically to childhood trauma. I'm assuming it's my relationship abuse with my ex, because a lot of it flares up with my current partner. Sometimes my Dad too. Idk I guess I'm saying it's nice to know I really am valid and the next step is a true diagnosis so I can get some help.