#this is for my anxiety meds btw
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Switched pharmacies cuz CVS doesn’t take my insurance, and I was expecting to pay the prescription copay, but it ended up being free! Like fuck yeah I certainly pay enough for this fucking insurance, it’s about time I got SOMETHING for free
#she speaks#the American healthcare system yall#and guess what my dear international friends#it’s worse than you think#because it varies by state#and Texas has some of the worst healthcare coverage in the country#this is for my anxiety meds btw#I paid $50 self pay at cvs before I found a different pharmacy#because I made the mistake of thinking the biggest pharmacy chain in the country would take the most common insurance in the state but OH NO#anyway I paid zilch and I’m v happy about it
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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Huzzah! It's birthday time! I'm slowly accumulating more and more things I like (latest additions this vest I made and a travel typewriter! Still need to fix the latter one though)
Sure has been a year.
#terri#niart#got my wisdom toofies out#well 2 out of 4#still got stitches#idk if this removal lowkey fixed my fear of the dentist?#it was so easy and painless#also finally i'm on anxiety meds jkahsdjash#i also got depression meds but i haven't tested them yet#I'm going to see the love of my life soon again!!!#only 2 more months to go....#i've also finally found awesome friends who don't make me feel like i'm insane for wanting to be cared for#the difference is like night and day#old friends saying hey let's surprise another friend of ours oh also i think it's your birthday on that day#new friends reminding me to pick a brunch place for us to go on my special day#i am sobbing#the right people are out there#don't lose hope#i've never felt this platonically loved honestly#also yes i'm working on the next dragon's lair aksjdhasjkd#just#a lot of things happening and i'm sooo burnt out#this piece was such a strain and i just#don't have patience for art rn#this is photobashed btw there's an actual photo of my typewriter under all those layers#i'm not about to spend 300 hours just to draw a typewriter from this angle kajshdjkasdh#ALSO ONE MORE THING CAN I JUST GUSH ABOUT THE ANASTASIA BROADWAY OKAY?!?!?!#I didn't realise until now that they made it way more historically inspired and i mean bruh BRUH#i have been having a recording of it playing on the background nonstop for like 3 days now#Vladimir Popov I want to inject you straight into my veins holy shit he is a perfect man
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Why did no one tell me that the "chemical imbalance" theory has largely been disproven, that serotonin and dopamine can't cause mental illness on their own? Why have all mental health professionals been pushing this idea as fact? I've always thought the whole BPD diagnosis was bogus, just modern day hysteria slapped onto (mostly) women with complex-PTSD. Almost an official gaslight, like "your trauma wasn't traumatic enough to warrant the PTSD label so we're going to act like your brain is malfunctioning". So I'm not surprised to find all this out.
Can we finally begin a trauma-informed approach toward mainstream mental health shit? Especially mood disorders? Let's not rule chemicals and hormones out entirely, but let's acknowledge that trauma and genes have far stronger ties to mental health.
#obviously genetics are a huge factor too#and socioeconomic status altho i would also consider that under the trauma umbrella??#im starting to wonder whether my meds were really helping me chemically#or if they were giving a placebo affect bc they affected me physically so much at first#like “this feels intense so they must be legit”#and then the belief carried me through being open to therapy and healing etc#definitely pulled me from the edge of suicide#either way they helped me#i wonder if I'd be ok off them now that its been like 6+ years#NONE OF THIS IS ADVICE BTW#personal#tw medical#chronic depression#chronic anxiety#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#cptsd
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sorry for the lighting but i feel like you can still tell what’s going on and it’s not like a portfolio picture so yay ya yay stuff from school now that it’s properly started :) we were doing self portraits inspired by books from the library and mine was a collection of sci fi movie posters which is something i’ve never done before :]
#obligatory personal stuff doesn’t get as much interaction but luckily i’m posting for ME!!! YIPPEEEEEE!!!!#artists on tumblr#sci fi art#and those will be my two tags for today :)#hoping to take a break from assignment and do a proper slimepompurin later today like i said i wanted to#not that i’ve ever been good at doing things ive said i want to do#cause i also want to print my ballot and do laundry#we did a little walk around look at other peoples work in their sketchbooks and write them sticky notes and i got six fucking sticky notes#everyone in the class had 3 each#like logically if everyone was at a sketchbook each time and didn’t double up the most you should get is three#i got six i was so overwhelmed but they were so nice#like i had to take anxiety meds but in a good way if u know what i mean#did wonders for my imposter syndrome i feel so much better#taking an illustration course btw!!! i’ve said that on my main but not here so if you look at my mess of tags you get that bit of lore#i’m an international student :) very scary but very excited i already feel good about it unless i forget to take meds in which case it feels#like i’m dying#medicated though!! i feel so excited i’ve always wanted to go to art school#and i did Not Like the US#so i’m in the Uk now and there aren’t guns everywhere and they know how to make stall doors properly thank god#more comfortable pissing here then i am in my home town#partially cause it’s illegal for me to do that in my home town
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#sigh. another vent post....#almost getting tired of making these but. I'm just.... I just don't really have much else I can do without botherin people#uh pretty big trigger warning for this one BTW#don't read on if you're low on spoons and whatnot. genuinely it's fine and I will be fine I always am#but like. yknow. when shit sucks it fucking sucks#anyway. uh. I just can't stand the idea that I might be bothering someone#so at least this way my stupid cries for help have a possibility of getting me some without making any specific#person feel obligated. yknow? maybe you see the post maybe you don't#Maybe you don't read all the way maybe you do. either way you can choose if you have the spoons to reach out#without feeling guilty either way. I hope.#.......i kind of want to fucking kill myself again#.....it used to be a much rarer thought. and I used to be much less struck by intense loneliness and longing like this#but I just feel so fucking needy. so desperate for attention and love and it hurts so much if I don't get it#and like. it's realistically nobody's fault but my own yknow... i need to ask for it more. i know that. i just suck at it#and then I can't ask. so I don't get attention. and in turn I feel neglected. secondary. like I'm not anyone's primary focus#and it just fucking hurts so much and it's just my own damn fault and I don't know how to fix it.#......i do. I need therapy I need meds or something. that's the answer here really#picked out a psychiatrist. need to call and make an appointment. but adhd and executive function and anxiety (that last one I need meds for)#mean it's very hard to both remember and then actually perform the task of calling the fucjing Dr#......believe me I'm trying.....like fuck I'm trying so hard.... and I started bawling having seen sparkles and ms robot girl reblog that#post from me about letting prev know you're proud of them. bawled when quinn called me cutie last night. bawled when#ginny said they wished they were here.... fuck me I do too I want to be the focus of someone's attention so so so so badly#fuck#...............it's redundant to say at this point a second time but. goddess above its a little scary how much I wanna kill myself#........sigh#....anyway. please do not feel obligated to respond to this in any way. do what you got the spoons for.#thank you for even reading all of this shit if you've gotten this far. i love you deeply and with all my heart. I'll be fine I promise#won't act on it no matter how strong the feeling is. just.....hurts in the meantime. but I'll be ok. I promise#................fuck. im going back to bed
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if I have to consume one more piece of media today about the impending downfall of earth due to overpopulation/climate change/etc I think I may just have to drink windex til I keel over
#downsizing (2017) last night (the most dogshit movie in the whole entire world. btw. but about climate change)#finished pantheon last night. which was very much like ahaha and btw the world is snowballing into THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO ALWAYS#that was at least semi well-executed so enjoyable from a narrative standpoint but unfortunately that DOES make it much more anxiety-inducing#and now. my readings for bio ecology tomorrow are all about human population outweighing its available resources#i think i am going to pass out#i also forgot to take my meds for the first time ever this morning so yay yippee#🤸
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it’s almost virgo season and 1 week until my birthday good evening <3
#I do accept kisses as a gift btw 🤪#life is finally getting a little less stressful and I started taking a class to upgrade and go back to college#and my one anxiety med got increased so I finally feel more human today it’s a win I deep cleaned my room#and I get a bunch of time off next week wooooo#ramblings
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i should take my anxiety meds i thinkit would help. wiht my anxiety
#text#oh my god just realized the nights i dont take them r probably the ones im having weird ass dreams#fucking duh. my sleep/anxiety meds help my sleep/anxiety#i will forget this immediately btw
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i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much
#marzi speaks#it’s worse with my brother but he’s doing more to actively work on improving that#my dad however has very subtle internalized ableism that i don’t think he recognizes is there#which is. fun#like earlier. either last night or this morning i don’t remember#i was talking to him about how while ideologically i have nothing against accepting needing help and things like that#in practice it’s very challenging to adjust to being disabled even temporarily. and that if i do end up with a diagnosis that’s gonna be#a lot to handle. both mentally and just with the lifestyle changes i’ll have to make#and he makes a bit of a face and goes ‘i wouldn’t quite call you disabled. i’d just say ‘ill’’#and i just sort of look at him. and i blink. and i go ‘i am physically Un-Able to do things i am normally able to do’#‘i can’t walk long distances at all. i can’t sit in chairs for too long without causing pain’#‘i’ve spent the last 24 hours staring longingly at my computer because i want to draw but am currently Not Able To’#he didn’t argue with me but i can tell he was still unnerved by the idea of picturing his daughter as disabled#also like . illness and disability are not mutually exclusive? several disabilities are or involve chronic illness#i shouldn’t be surprised though. i mentioned considering starting lexapro#and he went on his ‘you’re an adult and it’s your choice in the end but i wouldn’t recommend it’ spiel#(he’s anti-psychiatry bc he doesn’t like the idea of breaking the brain down into smth so purely physical)#(and also doesn’t like the idea of someone being dependent on pills their whole life)#(which i’m giving him some slack on rn bc he is a just-got-clean recovering opoid addict. so)#(btw before any of you say SHIT abt my dad he took his pills legally prescribed for chronic pain and did not abuse them)#(and even if he DID that would give nobody a right to make a moral judgement on him. ok cool)#i then reminded him that my mom takes anti-anxiety meds and they really really helped her#and he just goes ‘true.’ and moves on#king u got some shit to unpack#it’s fine if u didn’t want to start antidepressants when it was recommended to you meds aren’t for everyone#but like come on now. u don’t gotta be so fundamentally against it when literally ur own wife who you adore takes psych meds#anywho my mom handled me making the disability comment much better. she was basically just like ‘ur fear is totally understandable’#‘u have a good support system we’ll help you through it’#which. thanks mom 👍 that was very kind of her to say
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Since I'm not posting about what I'm working on (I will not give into feeling like I'm working by solely talking about it. Also if I post about it and then never finish it that would be beyond cringe. Also it sucks right now) instead I'm posting various procrastination OC doodles from over the past year. Admire my funny little guys ^^^
#my OCs#my art#<BARELY#these arent procrastination doodles from this project btw theyre from various other drawings#the first two are Basil and third is my child Lump who has every disease (June)#Junes soooo pathetic and sad all the time always. can we get this octopus some fucking anxiety meds please.#shes also so bnuuy coded. bigass ears + her tentacles/hair bow not shown here look like bunny ears#shes so. prey animal#its fine. Basil balances out her extreme anxiety by forcing her out of the house to be social#and June balances out Basil by actually cleaning their apartment and doing the dishes.#(Basil would do them too but June actually likes doing them. She likes feeling productive!)#the squits
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Why do so many psychiatrists love to gaslight. Okay, Hannibal Lecture.
If I had a nickel for every time a psychiatrist straight up told me lies I would have too fucking many and that's a problem.
#like first a psychiatrist tells me my seizures r psychological BECAUSE of my history of Forbidden Disorder and anxiety#and then they get worse and its clearly epilepsy and im on meds now and my condition was neglected bc a misdiagnosis based on stigma#and then now im like hey so i am still struggling with Forbiden Dissociative Disorder can i get some resources or a mf therapist rec#and this psych straight up tells me DID isn't a diagnosis anymore (I FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF THIS CLAIM BTW)#AND tells me my amnesia is bc of seizures.... LIKE I LIVE IN MY BODY AND U HAVE LITERALLY ONLY SPOKEN TO ME VIA PHONE#IDK I THINK I KNOW MYSELF A LITTLE MORE THAN YOU DO FUCKING JEFF#and i know the mf difference between switching and and HAVING A SEIZURE like???#those r very different things. like ik theres different kinds of seizures but for ME theres just no comparing theyre 2 different things😭#there is a clear difference between me collapsing and becoming unresponsive on the floor like a fish outta water#and me telling people to call me a different name and having completely separate identities that others notice. and i cant remember#and like ive dealt with it all long enough that I'm aware and can communicate w my alters n stuff and i have to to function#and for YEARS since highschool its been like. i talk to professionals and theyre like hm yea u basically would meet all requirements#however u might as well not get diagnosed bc no one wants to deal w that.#LIKE IVE LITERALLY BEEN TOLD THAT MULTIPLE TIMES ALMOST EXACT WORDS#and i hate how i know fake claiming being a public thing has rlly fucked w peoples perception of did n stuff#idk im so fuckin pissed man. reverting to my will graham era i fucking guess
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My mental health was so good while I was in Italy and now that I'm back home it's going downhill again what the fuck
#somebody take me back to italy please#because not once did i need anxiety meds while i was there#i had to take them yesterday and today#and i still feel very anxious#theres no reason for me to be anxious about ANYTHING btw#what the fuck#cw vent#💟 maochira talks#gonna hide in my blanket with plushies now bye
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I’m really starting to feel like Gregor Samsa now
#exjw#going pomo#my mom knows I’m gay and also “opposed” but my dad doesn’t yet so I’m hiding in my room#So naturally I don’t feel well; but I’m going to work anyway because I don’t feel as bad there as I do here#Now all I need is for my dad to throw something at me (I don’t think he would but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did)#I think my mom is hoping that maybe when I start ADHD meds I’ll “come to my senses”#because she asked if I thought my ADHD had anything to do with my decisions#And she went on and on yesterday reading stuff she researched about these specific meds#Like… no? If anything the ADHD meds will make me pack up faster because then I won’t be as inhibited to gtfo#She oddly doesn’t seem as angry/sad as I thought she would; so maybe she hasn’t fully accepted it yet#I start meds tomorrow btw so we’ll see what happens. Hell of a time to be messing with my brain chemistry sjdjdjdjdndndn#This will either make things way better or way worse. We’ll see#I’m just afraid that they’ll make my already VERY high anxiety worse because they are stimulants#the anxiety wasn’t high before but it is now that I’m obligated to tell my dad knowing how much he hates gays#I don’t want to suddenly pass out projectile vomit or shit myself; because that’s what high anxiety does to me#I’ve almost passed out twice because of nerves in the past year in reaction to this situation#one such incident occurring just three days ago… while projectile vomiting
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Had a harrowing start to my day today. My pain meds give me more nightmares then usual and last night I had this terrible awful nightmare where I was so paranoid that someone was going to break into my room and kill me that I sort of half-woke up still feeling terrified and anxious that someone was going to break in until I was able to reassure myself that the doors were locked and I was safe... then I really did wake up only to find my bedroom door open and my heart fucking dropped... until I turned to the side and saw someone had let my dog upstairs and he got into my room 😭
#talk about a whirlwind of emotions- he's not allowed to be up here btw since im still recovering but my mom brought him up last night lol#that was one of the worst anxiety attacks I ever had I was borderline hysterical because I was convinced someone was gonna break in#I've never experienced side effects that powerful from prescribed meds before wild
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Tubehell Challenge... I'm so sorry but I have been dropped in the ocean... I will postpone the start date for you... Just a bit...
You will not be forgotten though this is happening whether the universe wants it to happen or not. The universe knows I'm too powerful and is throwing everything it has at me right now but I will win just you wait man just you wait
#literally have to drop everything for geck...#like I'm gonna have to wake up make some calls send some emails research more stuff#figure out how to clean the tank then clean the tank the best i can then rearrange the decor so its better suited to its needs#THEN figure out the food situation cause what the fuck is THIS#THEN make a list of everything we need which btw#is everything but the fucking gecko#and HOPEFULLY this health check I'm organising doesnt turn up some fatal deficiency caused problems#I'm willing to deal with solving the various health problems it undoubtedly has already#provided i can afford a vet bill longer than my current lifespan#but i do have to deal woth the anxiety of a fucking fatal problem until i can get the checks done...#and make do with what I have for now#WHICH IS A WHOLE LOT OF FABRIC PLASTIC LEAVES AND NOT A LOT ELSE#i swear if my little guy has a serious problem i will never and i mean NEVER forgive my sister for this.#and my niece is on thin ice but only because she's 12#'i just cleaned out the tank' NO YOU DID NOT YOU FUCKING LIAR#GONNA NEED A FUCKING HAMMER AND CHISEL WITH THIS OH MY GOD#my mum paid for this by the way.#this is supposed to be a late birthday present since we agreed i was gonna get a gecko for it#but put it off until i was on my meds#now I'm on meds. my niece wanted rid of her crestie and i have never regretted wanting anything more in my fucking life#what the FUCK okay???#AS IF I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH STRESSES MAN YEAH SURE JUST DROP A HUNDY FOR ANIMAL NEGLECT FOR MY BIRTHDAY#OH WOW THANKS THAT'S MY FAVOURITE#god... I'm going to bed...#and for the record my tag ranting is still not the fucking tip of this iceberg.#i am Overwhelmed. this isn't what i signed up for.#the joy of a new pet has never been more absent#this feels like a rescue or fucking amateur geck a&e#give me strength man I'm dying over here i would choose tubehell over this are you kidding me#hhhhh going to sleep. need it real bad. hopefully it recents my brain and makes this easier cause fuck me...
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