#this is as sad as it gets

[sacredglitch]

It's 'Thinking about OCs silently' time so have this piece that I wrote on a whim after listening to "What Once Was" by Her's on repeat.

TW: Death / Pondering Death (through memories)

Celebrations were in high spirits in the 141 Mess. Classic rock shaking the walls as each sector of the base celebrated another hurdle crossed into locating more insiders of Shepard's, though apparently nothing closer in locating the man himself. Laswell was hopeful that one of them would crack and reveal his wearabouts. Hope was enough for them to take a moment to breathe.

Murphy was asked by countless members if he was up for drinks, even challenged by Moggy to see who could drink either under the table best. He just laughed it off and let them all enjoy themselves.

For him, tonight was a different celebration. His hand traced the 3 year old tattoo.

Three fucking years.

Three years since he watched his commander give his last commands. Since he watched his fellow Lieutenant count from three to one. Since the door opened and they all swept into the room, one foot hitting off a trip wire and the room exploding into dust. First year he wasn't at home to remember them or visit them. First year it was just him.

Keeping their faces and voices alive.

He grasped the Guinness can and took a swig. How his Commander drank this like it was water was beyond him. But it kept him alive. To Malware at least.

Green eyes danced with the shadows in the Mess. He envied it. Being able to celebrate with a team you felt right in. Felt at home in.

Last he felt that was when Captain Donovan was harping at Corporal Fitz that he "Better kick those superstar calfs into high gear, now" as they jumped down from the Helo. Another swig of stout, washing the memory away with the taste.

"It's not a simple 'rest on it and it'll pass', Murphy" Clicker had once said in one of their sessions, "This could take years to finally settle with. A support system is crucial in healing."

Survivors Guilt, amongst PTSD and other labels was all he gained from that fuck up. He's still unsure if he should feel appreciative it was just them, not a limb or his life. Maybe his life would have be-

He huffed.

No, O'Rourke, no self depreciation.

One of the worst habits he taught himself after everything. That and taking the blame. He did not cause it. He couldn't change anything.

He needs to learn that.

Another swig.

Boots crunching on the autumn grass caught his ear but made no moves to acknowledge them, eyes solely focused on the obstacle course ahead. The steps halted just behind him. Ghost wouldn't let himself be heard, Soap would have made some calling to him, and Soup would have probably chucked her shoe at him. Other names floated in and out of his mind before they slammed to a stop; "Penny for your thoughts, Irish?"

Gaz.

A smile came to him, though he didn't let it go past his cheeks. If you thought Price or Wrench could be bad with their 'mothering', Gaz was much worse. Though more of subtle method to his loving madness, it could be just as smothering.

"A support system is crucial for healing."

Damn it.

He shook his head, gesturing to the curb beside him. Observing lazily, he noted the Sergeant was just in his down time clothes; a hoodie and slacks, no hat. Going off the direction he came from, he must have been with the other crew of celebrants; movie watchers. It was Roach's pick this time so fuck knows what kinda film was being shown. Most likely foreign, man had a weird love for them.

They all had a weird love for something, Murphy supposed. His eyes did catch a glint of a beer bottle. Not a completely sober film viewing then.

"As if I've got any thoughts to give." He teased back easily, swirling the can in his hand. "Movie any good?"

The younger shook his head, scrunching his face. "It was something sappy in Spanish. Think Alejandro had mentioned it last time him and Rudy visited. Couldn't make heads or tails on the love triangle so..." Gaz trailed off with a shrug, looking at the night sky. "Mess having any fun?"

Murphy returned the shake, eyes falling to the half empty can. "Nah, wasn't in there... I'm drinking on my own terms." He paused. "Though rumour has it Moggy has replaced me with Conor, fucking Maple syrup bastard."

Gaz let out a low whistle. "He in the dog house then?" Another tease.

"Too right he is!" he laughed then took another drink. "Fucker can fix his own damn PC next time."

The air around them began to ease, feeling more open and lax than it did when he started drinking. Garrick always had that aura to him. Even when he was just starting out in the base, the Sergeant never failed to make him feel at peace. The taste of guilt crawled up his throat. He took a short breath, then chased it away with more stout.

Brown eyes watched him before furrowing. "Thought you were a cider kinda guy?" Murphy forced a grin. "I am."

"You trying to prove to Conor who's the better Irishman?" "No."

A pause, Gaz taking that moment to reflect over Murf's tone. Cold. Closed off.

He swallowed some of his own beer before nudging the brunet gently "Penny is still on offer here."

Murphy chewed the inside of his cheek. Other than Price, Laswell and the medics, he's never spoken about the faith of his old team. He bonded over his tattoo with Conor, who seemed to put the pieces of the puzzle together after hearing his name and shared a few stories here and there but...nothing, nothing, to do with the incident.

Perhaps it's a sign that now is the time to start. He doesn't have to go into detail. He doesn't have to say more than "It's the anniversary of my ARW team passing."

Murphy is in control here.

His hands fidgeted with the can, rolling it and playing with the tab before letting his eyes rest on the course once more.

"I'm drinking in memory of my old team....They're three years gone now." His voice was wobbly and scratchy, as if he hadn't been speaking at all. But he did it. It's out in the air. Out for Gaz to listen and process it.

He had a small debate on downing the rest of the drink, yet he knew well his stomach wouldn't appreciate it. Another sip instead.

"... I'm sorry for your loss." Came the reply. He knows he shouldn't of but he laughed, loud but rough. He's never understood why people apologise for something they were they ever apart of. "Don't be, Garrick. Not like you caused it."

Another drift of silence, then a hand fell on his shoulder. "Being empathetic here, mate." Gaz mused, smile still light on his lips. Murphy met the hand before shrugging lightly.

"I get that, and it's appreciated, but..." he sighed, moving his free hand behind him to lean on it before adding "The phrase never made sense to me. Still doesn't."

His eyes only saw the kind and most certainly 'mother hen-ly' face Gaz had on him. Shithead definitely picked it up from Price. Almost spitting image.

"Guess it is a weird one. But I get the feeling of grief....Be surprised if anyone on this base didn't."

How many people here have to suffer from multiple grievancs at once? He couldn't help but think.

As far as he knew, Soup was the only one with a similar experience. Yet she seemed as if she was on top of the world. Murphy still felt as though he was on the rubble covered ground, the weight of his Commander's lifeless body against his. His fist clenched around the can, indenting it.

"So..." Gaz began, tone one of ease, as if he was trying to deviate a situation, "was someone in the Ranger's a hearty Guinness drinker?"

The Lieutenant nodded. "Commander was, yeah."

That made sense. Gaz hesitated before moving his hand from the brunet's shoulder to around his back. Murphy didn't make any movements to pull back, if anything he moved himself in a little further but couldn't meet Gaz's eyes.

Lifting his own bottle, he looked to the sky again and softly said "To your Commander then. And all your troops."

Guilt almost had him frozen in a vice as he lifted the can in solidarity. "To the Band of Brother's." It was a rocky start to dealing with their loss openly, but a start nonetheless.

[qqueenofhades]

Honestly, this sounds fucking FANTASTIC to me, and we should do it. Cry harder, Mitch.

[sadclowncentral]

cannot stop thinking about the french man who during dinner responded to a person asking "should we be naughty and get desert" by pulling a face and going "naughty? it is chocolate, it is not an, uh, threesome"

[scramratz]

Did you know it’s legal in the USA for mattress companies to put fiberglass in their mattresses? They don’t even have to label them! So if you wanna commission me so I can buy a new bed I won’t stop you

[kosmogrl]

[halorvic]

[sashthesloth]

I love the little squad of shades who follow Mel around the Crossroads when she gets back from a win

[alexxuun]

Everyday, it’s a-gettin’ gayer~🎶

[panthermouthh]

“Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust?”

[lomlompurim]

Something born from a convo on twt

(Bingmei is still The Emperor and The HHP Palace Master but he spends more time with his family and house duties, and working hard into his dream of having a BIG family)

The tweet that inspired this, which I very much agree, omega Binghe supremacy

[puckpatties]

i love you forever and ever girldad chilchuck

[tinfoilvalentine]

A girl without her noise cancelling headphones is like an angel without its wings

[starspilli]

morning kori. she’s lovingly watching dick burn the shit out of her pancakes

[stromblessed]

Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows

In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.

If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.

So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.

I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?

However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.

Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)

And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.

Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.

It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.

Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?

While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:

She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.

You see where I'm going with this.

When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:

And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD

When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.

MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS

No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.

And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:

Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!

The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.

And, uh

Yeah.

I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.

But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.

Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:

But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.

There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.

After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:

"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.

Kind of like another bird in this show:

[chloesimaginationthings]

Can you imagine the puppet scene in FNAF 2…

[moonyswarmsweaters]

James, married: *giggles behind blanket* so who do u have a crush on?

Regulus, his husband of 10 years: oh for fuck sake