#this is actually a long and complex issue i can probably discuss at length

[utilitycaster]

Unpopular Opinion: I hate Wintercrest and Oltgar as Santa because it feels like it's just shoving xtianity into Exandria, but more than that, I hate xmas fics that don't even try to dress it up as Wintercrest instead. None of these characters are xtian (except maybe Caduceus).

Where's my poorly desguised Ramadan? Why is there no NPC that's just Hillel renamed? Will I never be free from this? (I know the answer is no)

NGL I say this as a Jewish person, disagree and also it's baffling to me that I've repeatedly seen people think Caduceus is the closest to Christianity when like, he's explicitly designed to draw far more from like, Shintoism. I also personally happen to find the Clay/Stone/Dust attitude towards death to be much more compatible with my ideas of death and afterlife than the Raven Queen paradigm. Like literally if someone could articulate what is inherently Christian about Caduceus I'd love to see it because like. Vax or Pike's worship and experiences especially both read as infinitely more Christian to me than any character from later campaigns.

Also I just. don't read a lot of fic and when I do it's usually set on Wildemount so it doesn't have Wintercrest, but also idk man (gn), we live in a predominantly Christian society, and to be clear this is a discussion I've had with my Jewish friends and with my family all the time but like, people fucking love a Christmas special. It's not going to change because Christmas is popular to them, so like, I'll skip it, but I'm really not going to spend any energy on having emotions on it. I don't really care that the CVS is playing Christmas music as long as it's not Do You Hear What I Hear, the worst fucking song on the planet. Kind of lost my train of thought here but my point is like Wintercrest exists because it was the cast's Christmas game session before they were the cast even, but just a group of voice actors who played D&D together in Travis and Laura's house, and I just don't have the time to be mad about it.

ALSO I do NOT want D&D Hillel personally like, not reopening my thoughts on goblins again but so many attempts by Christians to put Jewish rep in D&D worlds and Exandria in particular often kind of suck, and actual play set in other worlds is just not where I'm looking for rep. At best it's flat; at worst it's giving me when they tried to put Jewish representation in the season of Arrow where I gave up on watching and I was like "you could pay any ten year old Hebrew school student in like, candy or Pokemon cards or whatever ten year olds like now and they'd give you a better pronunciation of those words than you're doing."

Anyway this is all to say *Lenny Bruce Voice* FCG's attitude towards the Changebringer is Jewish, Imogen's attitude towards the gods is Goyish.

[iturbide]

boy this post got a lot of good discussion going

@lamphoera replied:

for this kind of thing i put "for the sake of the story" first but also worth noting that the period of time between the end of the medieval period and and the industrial revolution is really short compared to the length of the medieval period itself. it depends on how you define it but you could easily make an estimate of about a thousand years, and then adding on like the classical period, it's a pretty substantial amount of time another thing worth noting is that on the scale of like european history (or at least how it's framed) 2000 years seemingly unbroken is a massively long time but it for example egypt and china have very long histories GOING ON A TANGENT ABOUT THIS but i think saying very little changed and marth would manage just fine is maybe an understatement, because the tech ostensibly is not very different but the culture and geopolitics? undeniably is. actually i'd be really interested in exploring marth and the awakening characters discussing that!

please go on the tangents I love it

I absolutely agree that, technology aside, Marth probably would be suffering from massive culture shock if they dropped him into Ylisse. Ylisse is nothing like Altea, and considering how humble the man seems, knowing that he's enshrined as the Hero-King in Ylissean lore would probably throw him for a loop. That honestly would be fascinating to see.

Also: you're exactly right about Euro-centric history having a very particular framing, a constant push toward industrialization that muddies a lot of discussion -- because there are other cultures with incredible histories that stretch back thousands of years. In the case of Egypt, they were building pyramids like the Giza complex 2,500+ years before Cleopatra. Their histories are incredibly rich and complex, and they're technically pre-Medieval. Even if it does borrow trappings of Medieval Europe, I think it's entirely reasonable to say that their cultural history has been continuing and progressing along the course of other ancient cultures.

(To be fair, though: "for the sake of the story" is a totally legitimate and valid answer, and one that I embrace wholeheartedly. Again, I don't want to play Fire Emblem: Industrial Revolution. That sounds like a shit time.)

@thewizardmus replied:

Hang on but there IS a substantial difference between Altea and Ylisse's development Magic! In the older games Magic was very simple. There wasn't that many tome types and none of them had meaningful secondary effects(because of hardware limits but shush) meanwhile in Awakening magic has progressed well enough that Wind Fire and Thunder magic all have their own branches instead of "Merrics tome" and "the others" and powerful spells that were at one point legendary aAre reproduced and can be purchased at your local Anna, Merric's boyfriend's whole deal in 12 is he took over Khadain because he was mad that Merric was chosen for Excalibur and he got the number 2 tome Thoron. Come Awakening and Thoron isn't just Robin's signature spell for Chrom killing but also something any mage with the gall to study a bit can pick up and use freely That's not even mentioning the weird crap that Plegia has been making the entire time In conclusion while you could totally drop Marth in Ylisse and he'd be fine, if you gingerly placed Merric in Ylisse or Plegia he'd have his mind blown

Okay so let me start by saying that I do take issue with calling magic in Plegia "weird crap." I think it's reasonable to say that Plegia has come farther with magic than Ylisse has, given that they have three separate canonical branches of magic: staves, tomes -- split between anima and dark, the latter of which Ylisse doesn't deal in -- and hexcraft. If we posit that magic is a better signifier of advancement than industrial-level technology, that would place Plegia head and shoulders above Ylisse as the most developed nation on the Archanean continent.

In fact, I've talked about this before, along with the general concept that there was a magic revolution rather than an industrial one.

[aelaer]

“Nobody asked about my writing” meme

Thanks for the tag, @tea-understands :) Thankfully I have a small handful of folks who ask me about such things but I do love these memes.

 1: what are you currently working on? 

The Big Boy Fic! The finale of Earth-197320, which I'm 99% certain I am calling Above the Shadows. And I'll have a fun update on Write Every Day June in a couple days.

2: summarize your current project 

It's the fifth and final fic in a series that I started 4 years ago from an anonymous prompt sent to @amethyst-noir. I really clicked with it and she gave me her blessing to pursue it as a full-fledged fic, and here we are today.

Here's my first stab at a proper summary that I wrote for this questionnaire (tell me what you think y'all??):

2019 starts off in crisis-mode as rifts within the borders of reality begin spiraling out of control, drawing the resources of the Masters of the Mystic Arts thin. Tony now juggles the problems of a suddenly-absent Stephen, keeping his work with the sorcerers a secret, and Pepper's uncertain future. Stephen does what he can to maintain the stability of reality while keeping the promises he made. And somewhere out there, the other Stephen Strange is still hiding, putting his own plans into play.

3: summarize your current project poorly 

An author split up what should have been a single work into five separate stories because she wanted to fulfill Bingo cards in 2019, leading to a series that the readers are probably going to need to reread because there's so much detail in Fic 5 that calls back to stuff that happened in Fics 1-4. Fics 1-3 match the length of Fic 4, and Fic 5 is well over the length of Fics 1-4 combined, making for even poorer fic splitting choices. Whoops.

4: describe your favorite character or characters

I mean. Do I really need to? If you're on my blog you know who my faves are.

I guess quick summary as they are in the series in particular:

Stephen Strange: Has an enormous guilt complex that he's been working through a lot. He got better with the help of new friends. His work has endeared them to him quite a bit.

Wong: Has taken a leadership role, but not the title of Sorcerer Supreme for reasons not yet established to the readers. Carries his own secrets. Excellent poker face, but not emotionless.

Tony Stark: Has been blatantly ignoring the Accords ever since he went against Ross's back to find Steve in Siberia and has been continuing that trend since. Seeing the feds turn their eyes on Peter changed his opinion quite strongly. The Steve Issue is still difficult.

Other Strange: He thinks the Avengers and Masters of the Mystic Arts have failed their duties and that he can protect all of reality by himself. He just needs more power.

5: post a line from your current project without any context 

Closed my eyes and scrolled and went to a random page. This is what came up.

Oh, Jesus Christ. This explained so much about the man.

6: how do you get through writers block?

If it's not something health-related which just makes it physically very hard to work on items, I'll switch projects with my shorter fics. For a long fic like this, I'll put on a sprint and just power through 15 minutes at a time to get the harder bits out.

For health-related stuff (including mental), you sometimes just need to work on that first before you can be in the right space to write.

7: would you want to live in the world of your current work? 

Hell no. Superhero worlds are terrible for normal people.

8: briefly discuss your outlining process, if you outline 

I write an outline with the main beats of what I want in that chapter. Then when I get to the actual chapter, I'll sometimes expand the outline with more detail in that chapter section itself. I often go back to the main outline and add new things as I come up with them, or switch around elements in the story to a new chapter. This is how the planned outline has grown from around 12 normal chapters and 1 interlude chapter to 18 normal chapters and 2 interlude chapters (with potential for more growth seeing as I'm getting into some areas that have original outlining that I no longer am certain I want to use as they were ideas from over 2 years ago and the story's evolved a lot since then).

9: what is the aesthetic of your current project?

So much plot. Rewriting a lot of the end of phase 3 to push my Found Family agenda. Fix it vibes, but I think it's a natural fix it arc from the canon drama that could have happened in canon if the Russos gave a damn. A lot of character exploration into their own separate journeys and growth arcs. Pretty accurate on Marvel tones with action, drama, a bit of snark and humor. An itty bitty dash of canon romance but we all know I'm including it only because it needs to be there due to the plot and character arc reasons and not because I'm all googly-eyed for the genre.

10: what song sums up your current work the best?

Each chapter in the series takes a song lyric from a specific song and I identify that song with the story pretty heavily. For instance, Illuminating the Shadows took "The Light" from Disturbed.

For Above the Shadows, it's "Phoenix" by Fall Out Boy (who I'm seeing live in concert in a couple days, yay).

Tagging those who I know are writing/trying to write: @mckiwi, @sobeautifullyobsessed, @burglarhobbit, @amethyst-noir. No obligation either way. Also if I didn't tag you please feel free to take this (and you can poke me here if you'd like as a reminder that you're still actively writing fic regardless of the fandom and I'll try to remember for these sorts of things).

[conteamarula]

To long, Didn't Read. The modern internets issue with text.

The modern internet doesn't actually have an issue with text. Just certain kinds. People will sit and read a novella's worth of conversation on Discord, or a 200,000 page fanfic. But seem to draw the line at individual messages when they get past a certain length. For some people I've probably already lost them, others will look at the rest of the post and immediately quit. TL;DR. It can be quite difficult to get a whole idea across in the span of a Tweet (or less) and yet that seems to be what most people expect a lot of the time. I have been part of, and witnessed, so many discussions that devolved do to misunderstandings because all parties refuse to make one, moderately long, message that fully explains a thought. And when I say moderately I mean like a single paragraph. Less words than you'll read in the span of a minute during a stream, or while in a Discord general chat. Instead of a short paragraph, you'll get a flood of people each sending out single, or even half, ideas with everyone's ideas and messages cutting into each other. It is unproductive and cause's a great deal of issues. That said it is quite clear that the amount of text isn't actually an issue, more that it is the amount of text coming from one post. A Tumblr post consisting of fifty people talking back and forth, with enough text to fill a newspaper, is acceptable. But one post all on it's own comprised of a few paragraphs fully explaining a thought gets ignored, or somewhat shammed. This demand for brevity on personal messages has caused many issues on placed Twitter, where someone trying to be clever, or say something non-controversial, finds themselves on the wrong end of a hate mob because what they said was misconstrued. 280 characters isn't always enough to express a whole idea, as evidenced by the people who make long form posts on Twitter by making a series of posts and numbering the order. Large walls of text can sometimes be intimidating, but pushing the other way is really the wrong way to go. Some ideas are complex and take a lot of words. If we're not willing to hear people out, we're dooming each other and ourselves to be unheard and misunderstood.

[kjmsupremacist]

WHEN IT WALKS (yuta/reader)

Reader is certain Yuta is the perfect man for her. But when ghosts from his past come back to haunt them, she finds herself reevaluating their relationship, digging deeper and deeper until she isn’t sure what is true anymore. (for the legends never die collab, go check out the other works! also for @/neowritingsnet’s carnival of horrors and @/kpopscape’s netflix & chills events!)

“This is why people cry at the movies: because everybody’s doomed. No one in a movie can help themselves in any way. Their fate has already staked its claim on them from the moment they appear onscreen.” —John Darnielle

“ORESTES: This was always going to happen. She’s been dead since the beginning.” —Aeschylus, The Oresteia

Characters: Yuta, Female Reader

Genre: horror, angst, ghosts and spirits, mystery, romance, tragedy

Warnings: discussion of suicide (no graphic depiction), blood, gore, horror, major character death, mention of rape (nongraphic, in passing), unhappy ending (kinda), some brief and nongraphic sex scenes, emotional manipulation, mental health issues, murder, violence, emotional and physical abuse, um like spooky shit (japanese onryō myth!)

Rating: Mature

Length: 13k

i feel like it goes without saying, but please read the warnings. also, obviously this, like all my other works, does not represent how I actually see yuta. I’m just having fun. I hope you will, too.

taglist: @nctlovesme​

Do characters in a tragedy know they are fated to an unhappy end? Or is blind hope a fundamental piece of the human condition, no matter where you go—across borders, across time? Do we write them unrelentingly optimistic because that is all we know?

Here, at the end of all things, you have to wonder if a part of you saw it coming. You’re not sure if discovering you had would be a sorrow or a comfort. 

Regardless, you probably should have known how this would end. You close your fist tight around the familiar white fabric as your feet take you to the place you know you belong. It was your fate from the beginning, and whether you knew it at the time or not, you played your role to perfection. Now, you enter the final scene.

It all started so innocuously. You met Yuta at work on the first day of your new job. You were twenty-three. He was kind; unlike almost all the other men you worked with, he listened when you spoke. He was funny and he always smelled good. And he was beautiful. 

You liked him from the moment you saw him, but you had a strict no-work-relationships rule—they were usually more trouble than they were worth. It was unfortunate, but you didn’t lose sleep over it. Maybe you could be good together, but you didn’t think you’d ever have the opportunity to find out. There were plenty other fish in the sea, as the saying goes.

One day, Yuta appeared at your desk with a few spreadsheets for you to review and an invitation to dinner. You took the spreadsheets, eyeing him warily. “In a friend way, or a date way?” you asked.

He smiled. “A date way, if that’s not too bold.”

“I don’t date my coworkers,” you said. “I’m sorry—I really would love to.”

“Neither do I,” he said, his smile growing. “I just turned in my two weeks. I got a position at another firm. They’re on the other side of the city, but I think we could make the distance work.”

You laughed, shoulders relaxing. “Then in that case, yes. I’d love to have dinner with you, Yuta.”

You never really imagined you’d find a long-term partner in a finance bro. You’d gone to college with plenty of them and managed to escape their nonexistent charms. You thought you were in the clear. Your plan had been to girlboss your way into a management position by age twenty-seven—twenty-five if you could help it—and then lurk in your local Trader Joe’s until you found the malewife of your dreams.

But Yuta was different. He had the same ruthless ambition, and a bit of a god complex, sure, but so did you. Unlike the rest, though, he had access to his emotions, and was well-mannered to boot. He had a close relationship with his parents, and liked to draw in his free time. He liked all animals, though he said he planned on getting a couple of cats, and a dog too, when he was older.

He had long black hair, and he wore earrings and painted his nails. In all your time with him, you only witnessed someone bothering him over his appearance once. It was maybe your third or fourth date, and a guy next to you at the bar said that faggots weren’t welcome here—even though Yuta knew the owner.

“Your fragility is not my responsibility,” Yuta said calmly, almost gently. “Please find somewhere else to enjoy your evening, or I will be forced to choose for you, and I don’t think you will appreciate it.”

The guy ended up getting kicked out by security shortly after. “Does that happen to you often?” you asked.

Yuta shrugged, taking a delicate sip of his drink. “Every now and again,” he said. “They think just because I am shorter than them, and look skinny, that they can say whatever they want. If the establishment doesn’t step in, they usually find out pretty quick that I’m stronger than I look.” He sounded mildly amused, but it was tinged with weariness, not pride. 

Good men still exist! you texted your best friend on the way out to the curb. 

That finance guy? she asked. God, what has the world come to?

He invited me back to his. I don’t think it’s gonna be an issue, but you have my location, you replied. 

Don’t make me read about you on the news, she said. Have fun. 

You took a taxi back to Yuta’s place. He had a rather understated, single-story house in the suburbs—surprising for someone with his paycheck, but you didn’t mind.

“I’m saving for when I want to buy the house I’m going to spend the rest of my life in,” he explained. “I could get a nice apartment in the city, but I don’t really see the point. Besides, I’ve never really liked apartments. Too many neighbors.”

You nodded. “Yeah, I agree. Having a house is nicer.”

You set down your bag, hung up your coat, and followed him into his kitchen. His house was cute and tidy, with a comfortable living room off the kitchen and a small hallway that led down to what you assumed was his bedroom. It was a little dark, maybe, but that tended to happen when lots of rooms have to be crammed into a relatively small space. Too many corners. 

He offered you a glass of wine, and then you retreated to his room to talk. His room was nice, too—clean and well-decorated. He grinned while you hovered in the doorway, unsure. 

“Am I correct in assuming you’ll end up in my bed at some point tonight?” he asked.

You started, then laughed. “I hope so,” you replied.

He nodded for you to sit. “Might as well start getting acquainted with it now. Make yourself comfortable.”

It was things like this that made him attractive, you reflected. He was funny, but still sensitive. Forward, but never rude. 

You and Yuta talked to fill the silence as you both finished your wine. He watched your hands as you carefully set your empty glass on the far side of the bedside table. You watched him watching. 

“Well?” You tilted your head. “Are we going to finish getting me acquainted with your bed?” 

He grinned, leaning into your space, and kissed you. You’d kissed before, but not like this, and soon he was laying you back against the pillows and hiking your shirt up, teeth and tongue and breath against your skin. 

He ate you out, then fucked you nice and rough while you clung to one of his wrists and came twice on his cock. He covered you in hickeys and fingerprint bruises and came moaning your name. You wondered if you had just stumbled into the romance of a lifetime.

Later that night, though, showered and curled up in his bed, you could’ve sworn someone was watching you. It was the faintest of things—just the hair on the back of your neck bristling in alarm after Yuta turned off the lights. You said nothing to him about it, instead just snuggling a little closer. He didn’t seem to mind, and with his arm wrapped around your waist and his forehead brushing yours, you fell asleep.

Your dreams were strange and troubled. You only remembered pieces the next morning, when the warm light flooding into Yuta’s kitchen washed the horror away, leaving you feeling silly. All you could recall was a figure in a white robe, and an overwhelming sense of grief. 

But when Yuta asked you how you slept, you said nothing. It was just a bad dream. They happen all the time. It didn’t mean anything at all.

The two of you continued to see each other for the next few months. Sometimes Yuta came over to your place, and sometimes you stayed at his. You didn’t have nightmares every time you slept over, but it was more frequent than what you could call coincidental. You began to wonder if his house was haunted, but ultimately chalked it up to not being good at sleeping in unfamiliar places. You used to have dreams like that when you’d go away to summer camp, so it wasn’t like it was out of character.

You did tell your mother, though. She seemed uneasy—never one to underestimate the power of dreams.

“You’re planning to move in together soon, right?” she asked you.

“Yes, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem for long. It only happens at his place,” you explained. “I’m sure it’s just because I’m not used to sleeping in a bed that isn’t mine. If we move in together, then it won’t happen anymore.”

“Still,” your mother said. “Will you go see my fortune teller? It would make me feel better—before you finalize moving in together and all.”

Hoping to put it all to rest, you took her advice and called the number she gave you to set up an appointment. 

The fortune teller was located in a small shop on a street corner a few blocks from your house. The whole place was surprisingly well-lit; the afternoon sunlight streamed through gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows, nearly blinding you when you turned to close the door behind you. 

“[Y/N?]” The fortune-teller called from further within the shop, appearing around a corner. “Hello,” they said. “You may call me Aoi. This way, please.”

You followed them down a short hallway to a sitting room. There were beautiful, lush plants everywhere, and they gestured you to a few comfortable-looking armchairs arranged on one side of a small table, sweeping around the other side to sit in the chair opposite.

You picked the one in the middle, scooting it forward as best you could as they got settled. “Now,” they said. “What can I do for you today?”

“I’ve been having strange dreams,” you explained, feeling somewhat silly. “My mother is worried about me, so she told me to come… seek spiritual advice. She just wants to see how my future looks, I think.”

“Certainly. May I have your hand?” Aoi reached out with both of theirs; you extended your dominant hand, and they enveloped it in their own. Their touch was cool, their skin soft. “Ah,” they said after a moment. “You seem to be a very righteous person—worried about fairness, easily affected by injustices—which, given your line of work, unfortunately have not been scarce.” You were a little startled; it was true that you valued fairness and constantly worried over doing what was right. You liked to think it was how you kept yourself honest when you were surrounded by money-hungry crooks. Aoi blinked at you. “You work in a… fast-paced, male-dominated field, do you not?”

You smiled tentatively. “Yes,” you admitted. “Uh, I’m in finance.”

They nodded. “You should unlearn this. No one in your field values righteousness and virtue.” That’s true, you thought to yourself. Almost everyone in finance is corrupt as hell. “It will not serve you in your romantic life, either,” Aoi continued. 

“How?” you asked, curious in spite of yourself.

“It may blind you,” they said simply. “Yes, your romantic life… will be passionate, but tumultuous.” A tremor ran through your body. You were sure Aoi felt it, but they did not comment. “This new love you’ve found—he will be the last love you will ever know.”

“I’m sorry?” you asked. To be fair, you had thought it before—that Yuta checked all your boxes—but you hadn’t wanted to get ahead of yourself. They’re just saying it, you thought to yourself. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. 

Aoi hummed to themself softly, then gasped and nearly dropped your hand. “I’m sorry,” they said quickly. “Your future is very… cloudy. I can’t see very far—only a few years ahead, and then… Nothing.”

It did make you tense up a little, though you tried to stay calm. “Ah,” you said with a nervous laugh. “Does that mean I’m going to die soon?”

Aoi narrowed their eyes, shaking their head slowly. “Maybe,” they said, which was not reassuring in the slightest. “Maybe not. Sometimes, it simply means there are so many moving pieces now that it’s difficult to tell.”

“Does it happen often—that you cannot see far into someone’s future?” You fought to keep derision and skepticism out of your tone.

Aoi must have detected it, anyway. Their eyes flashed. “No,” they said, somewhat sharply. “It is not common. I do not say this to scare you, or to try to scam you into coming back frequently for more readings or advice. I am simply telling you what I see.”

“Right,” you replied, feeling chastised somehow. “So… okay, then when will I know? Like, where does it cut off—if I do come back, when should I?”

Aoi was silent for a minute. “You will experience great turmoil within the next year. It will last for many months. You will be faced with a difficult decision.” Their voice had gained some odd quality to it that made you listen more intently. “You cannot play both sides. Make your choice quickly, and move on, one way or another. When the past no longer haunts you, when it walks free, your path will be set.”

They released your hand. “I—that’s it?” you asked. 

“That’s all I can see,” Aoi replied.

Feeling shaken, you got to your feet. “Um—is there some kind of… protective, like, talisman or something that could help me?” You felt strange asking for it, but despite your own skepticism, you couldn’t help but worry about what was to come if Aoi was right.

But Aoi shook their head. “There is nothing I can sell you that can protect you from your future,” they said. “You are smart, strong of heart and of will. Those traits will be your best defense.”

“Right,” you said again, not sure how else to reply. They led you to the door. “Um, thank you.” You smiled politely at them as you reached for the handle.

“You’re welcome.” They did not return your smile; instead, they watched you with an intense sort of curiosity. It wasn’t until you got home that you realized they also looked a little sad.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　✧　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

You weren’t a particularly superstitious person. You had a healthy fear of ghosts and the supernatural, but you didn’t subscribe to any specific rituals or a system of beliefs. Your fear stemmed less from a place of concrete knowledge that such things existed, and more from a “cover all my bases” sort of viewpoint—that they could be real, and you’d rather not risk it. 

Still, your uneasiness followed you like a cloud for days after your meeting with the fortune teller. You did not tell your mother all of what they said; she didn’t seem to believe you, but eventually let you be about it.

After another month, you and Yuta started house-hunting. It was difficult at first—no place was good enough, and you turned all the choices over in your mind every night before you slept. You were getting impatient with the things Yuta was being picky about, and you could tell that he was getting impatient with you about the same thing. Fall had become winter, and still you were searching. The gloomy weather didn’t help.

But in early spring, you found a beautiful place nestled deep in a suburban neighborhood. It had natural wood finishes, two stories, and an expansive backyard. You began the moving process quickly, packing while the sale was finalized. Your contract was almost up at your old place, and Yuta was planning to rent his house. You were curious to know if the new tenants would have the same disturbances you had.

You moved everything in on the first day of May. You had just gotten the last box safely inside your front door when it began to rain, furiously. 

“The sky waited for us,” Yuta said, grinning as he locked your front door and waded through a sea of boxes and furniture to where you were standing in the doorway of your kitchen. “I think we made the right choice.”

“I think so, too,” you agreed. The unease rustled in the back of your mind, but you really believed it. You opened your arms and Yuta fell into them, kissing you sweetly. 

“What do you say we set up our bed,” Yuta said, “and order takeout?”

“Sounds like a good plan to me,” you replied.

The bed didn’t take long; you and Yuta were both pretty handy, so the frame was soon assembled, and the mattress dragged up the stairs and heaved atop it, then the sheets and pillows all tucked into place. Everything else in the house was somehow simultaneously bare and a mess, but you had a bed, and clean towels hanging in the bathroom, and food on the way. Things were good. 

After dinner, Yuta unpacked a speaker so you could play a little music. He put on an oldies station and took your hand. Neither of you knew anything about ballroom dancing, but you did your best, holding each other as you swayed back and forth in your new bedroom. You watched out the window when you were facing it, the one that looked out onto the street. The soft orange glow from your neighbors’ windows warmed you as the music swelled.

I'm in the mood for love

Simply because you're near me

Funny but when you're near me

I'm in the mood for love

Heaven is in your eyes

Bright as the stars we're under

Oh, is it any wonder

I'm in the mood for love...

After a while, Yuta decided it was time to shower and start making your way towards bed. Once you were both clean, he pulled you onto the mattress. Since you were both freshly showered, there were no clothes in the way, just skin on skin and Yuta’s fingers everywhere as he bit kisses into your neck and jaw. 

What was I so worried about? you wondered to yourself. Everything is fine. We left that haunted house behind, and now we’ll have each other, probably for the rest of our lives. Maybe the tumult was just choosing a house. And now the past is behind us. Maybe it’s already over. 

You felt Yuta’s tongue on you, and you didn’t think about much else for a while after that. 

That night, though, you had the most vivid dream yet. This time, you were sure it was a woman who visited you, in a stained white kimono. Her hair was long and black and wild, and she reached out to you, like she was begging. Her fingernails were ragged and raw, and worse, there was a rough, bloody scar around her neck. Ribbons, the same blinding white as her robes, fluttered behind her. The longest one was looped loosely, draped over her shoulders. She was crying, though you got the impression that it was just as much in rage as it was in grief. 

“What do you want?” you called out sharply.

“Like me,” she cried. “You will end up like me.”

You woke earlier than you normally do, heart pounding. Yuta was still peacefully asleep beside you, and the morning sunlight was peeking in through your blinds. I’m fine, you thought. Just getting settled.

But as you turned your head, you thought you saw something white retreat down the hall.

You decided it was just a trick of the light when you kept watching for it and nothing came. Just tired, you thought, rolling over and closing your eyes again. It’s not real. But you couldn’t fall back to sleep.

You tried to convince yourself you were overreacting, or that it was just part of the adjustment period. But you dreamed about her every night. She didn’t seem to be angry with you exactly, but she scared you all the same. And she wouldn’t leave you alone.

Over the course of the next week or so, you found yourself becoming increasingly irritable and jumpy. You weren’t sleeping well, which didn’t help; frequently, you would have trouble falling asleep, and then your dreams would wake you very early in the morning. You were too scared to leave the safety of your bed, finding small comfort in Yuta’s presence at your side, but also too scared to go back to sleep. You would wait for the morning to come, heart still hammering in your chest.

You didn’t want to worry Yuta. You certainly didn’t want to tell him about your appointment with the fortune teller. And besides, you were too busy moving in and setting everything up. Most days after work, you’d unpack while Yuta worked on the yard. You only saw each other for dinner. But as your second week in your new house drew to a close, and there didn’t seem to be any improvement, you knew you had to say something. At the very least, he’d be able to reassure you.

“Yuta,” you said one night over dinner. “I have something… rather odd to tell you.”

He put down his chopsticks, giving you a worried look. “Ah, okay.”

“I’ve been having nightmares,” you began. “I mean, every time I slept at your old place, I would have really weird dreams. And I thought maybe it was just because I wasn’t used to sleeping in a bed that wasn’t mine, or—I don’t know, maybe that house just had bad vibes, right? But the dreams followed me here—and they’re getting worse. And I—I don’t know what to do.”

To your surprise, he didn’t say you were being silly, or tell you to try a sleep aid or to go see a doctor. Instead, he creased his brows in a gentle, probing frown. “I see,” he said slowly. “And what are the dreams about?”

“Um, a young woman in a white robe,” you replied. “She’s… always crying. And she has this bloody scar on her neck. And she keeps, like, trying to warn me about something. I think she’s a ghost, maybe.”

Yuta nodded. “Ah… I don’t know how to say this without scaring you,” he said. “Ghosts… tend to follow me. This ghost, in particular, has been a frequent visitor. I was wondering if she had begun to bother you.”

It was not the answer you were expecting at all. “Then—I mean, okay. What should we do?”

“I’ve been meaning to set up some offerings and wards around the house,” Yuta said. “I think if we can satisfy her, she will leave us alone. I’m… sorry that you’ve had to deal with that. It’s not your fault.”

“Is she dangerous?” you asked.

“No, I don’t think so,” Yuta said. “I’ve never been harmed by a ghost, even a particularly powerful one like her. In any case, I never see her when I’m awake. If we had an apparition walking around, that would be a different story.”

“What do you think she wants?” you asked, deciding to just dive in headfirst. Sure, you thought, ghosts. Spirits only stay if they have something they need, right?

“I think she blames me for her death,” Yuta said quietly.

“I’m sorry, what?” you asked. “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t kill her,” Yuta said quickly, offering you a smile that you didn’t feel like you could return. “She died by suicide.”

“You can’t just say things like that,” you said, shaking your head. “So—what, do you know why she blames you?”

The smile dropped off of Yuta’s face. “I… don’t really know how to explain.”

“Right, but if you’re maybe a murderer, I would like to know,” you replied, only half-joking.

“I am not a murderer, [Y/N],” Yuta said. He sounded kind of sad. “It’s difficult to talk about, still. Will you believe me for now? I did not harm her, and I will not harm you. When we’ve dealt with her spirit and she is resting, I will do my best to tell you everything, alright?”

It worried you, but you didn’t really see how you could say no. Yuta had never hurt you; he had never once shown any signs of violence or malicious intent. He was a good man. “Okay,” you agreed after a moment. “I’ll trust you.”

“Thank you,” he said, reaching out for your hand. You took it, and he gave it a squeeze. “Hey,” he said. “I love you. Okay?”

“Love you, too,” you murmured. This is Yuta, you reminded yourself. My Yuta, the man who I’ll probably marry. He’s been nothing but wonderful to me. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, he probably has a good reason. It probably just makes him sad. It’s not your history to revisit.

He will be the last love you ever know, Aoi’s voice repeated in your head. 

‧͙⁺˚*·༓☾　✧　☽༓·*˚⁺‧͙

You left out offerings, hung lucky charms in every doorway and window, had a Buddhist monk come to cleanse and bless the house. Still, the dreams persisted. You only mentioned them when Yuta asked—it wasn’t like they were his fault. 

They didn’t just persist, though. They grew worse; they changed. The landscape around you became more defined; you were in an unfamiliar backyard, sitting on a decorative stone. She would come out of the back door of an unfamiliar house and cross to you. Sometimes, it was hard for you to hear what she said. Or maybe when you woke, you just couldn’t remember. But slowly, it began to come together.

“We are not unalike,” she told you.

“What makes you say that?” you asked. 

“I was loved by Yuta once, too,” she said.

For some reason, this information didn’t really shock you. “He says you blame him for your death,” you said. “Why?”

“He loved me and then ruined me, and he will do it to you, too,” she replied. 

“No, he won’t,” you argued fiercely. “He is a good man. He loves me.”

“I thought the same thing,” she said harshly. “He killed me, [Y/N].” You didn’t ask how she knew your name. “He will kill you, too.”

You woke to your alarm, t-shirt damp with your sweat.

When you got home from work that day, Yuta was still at the office. You sat down at your laptop and opened a private browser. After debating for a moment, you finally typed Nakamoto Yuta into the search bar.

Dozens of articles popped up. You could hardly believe your eyes as you began to read.

Young woman found dead in parents’ home; fiancé found innocent, death ruled a suicide.

Suicide victim dubbed ‘White Lady’ for the long white robe in which she was found dead.

Nakamoto Yuta, fiancé of the White Lady, speaks out about the importance of mental healthcare.

Six Months Later: What We Learned from the White Lady Case

You clicked the last one, tapping your fingers against your desk absentmindedly as you waited for it to load.

Three months ago today, Ueta Kuriko was found dead in her parents’ home. Her mother called 119 immediately, but first responders guessed she had been dead for hours before her mother found her. She was twenty-three.

Though she appeared to have hanged herself from the ceiling in her parents’ basement, suspicions immediately fell on her fiancé, Nakamoto Yuta. Nakamoto was in a different city on business at the time; though he and Ueta had a house of their own, Ueta had gone to stay with her parents during his absence. Nakamoto was quickly cleared; he had not been in the surrounding area in the days leading up to her death, and Ueta’s parents personally vouched for his character, stating that Ueta’s suicide was not wholly unexpected.

“Kuriko had been troubled for years,” Ueta’s mother shared. “She had experienced some difficult situations when she was in university. Yuta has been by her side since high school. I think he may have been the only reason she kept going—because they loved each other. I feel ashamed that I didn’t think to keep a closer eye on her when he was gone. In some ways, I feel I have failed as a mother.”

Nakamoto was quick to refute her last sentiment. “If Kuriko’s parents are responsible for her death, then I am as well,” he said. “We should have done more to support her. I just didn’t know how. I wanted her to be happy, but I didn’t know what to do. I loved her more than anything, but sometimes that’s not enough.”

All of the couple’s friends said neither of them had once reported trouble in their relationship. “Sure,” one source said, “they had small fights here and there, like all couples do. But it was never anything serious, and they always solved their problems calmly and quickly, together.”

The couple had spent the week before Nakamoto left on his business trip planning their wedding. 

Despite testimony from family and friends, and a thorough investigation from national police that declared Nakamoto innocent, many sided against him. Online forums became flooded with calls for justice and claims that the investigation had been, in some way, botched. Nakamoto mostly withdrew from the public eye for a few months, appearing only to attend talks and charity events for the benefit of mental wellbeing institutions. 

Gradually, the tide changed. People began to realize that they had been too harsh. Nakamoto was not a villain. He was a grieving man who had just lost the love of his life. A mob’s mentality can be vicious, and often misguided. A case like this one, sensationalized in the news and played out on live television, can certainly be gripping. But in our eagerness to uncover the truth and see justice served, or perhaps simply in search of easy entertainment, we forget that this is not just a story. Real people lived the headlines; real lives were lost. Instead of becoming armchair sleuths, we might have better served ourselves, and each other, by trying to see what we could learn from this tragedy. 

And now, it seems we may finally have done just that. New mental crisis clinics have popped up in the surrounding area. There is even one downtown named Kuriko’s Haven, in memory of the White Lady. The Ueta family tells us they are gratified by the community’s response.

When I reached out to Nakamoto to ask if he had anything to add, he simply replied, “No. The press has profited enough off of Kuriko’s story. I only ask that you let her rest in peace.”

You sat back at your desk, shock making your whole body feel cold. Your head spun. The police found nothing—no evidence of his involvement, nothing to suggest he was guilty in any way. And yet, the woman in your dream—Kuriko—seemed adamant that Yuta bore the responsibility for her death. 

I am not a murderer, Yuta had said. I did not harm her, and I will not harm you. Could he have been lying? Did you only believe him because you wanted to?

You waited for him at the kitchen table. He arrived home less than an hour later, and drew up short in the doorway when he saw you sitting alone.

“[Y/N]?” Yuta asked, unsure. “Are you alright?”

“Will you sit, please?” you asked, not looking up at him.

He sat. He seemed to almost reach out to you before thinking better of it. “What is it?”

“I Googled you today,” you said, and he let out a long sigh. “I’m sure you know what I found.” You looked up at him then; he was looking back, brows knit. “She was your fiancé, Yuta.”

“Yes,” he said quietly. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I—I didn’t think it would matter. She’s dead. You never knew her.”

“It feels like something that should’ve come up in conversation before you asked me to move in together,” you bit out. 

“I didn’t know how to bring it up,” he said.

“I don’t care if it’s hard to talk about,” you replied. “I had a right to know.”

“I didn’t kill her,” Yuta said. To his credit, he didn’t flounder to produce evidence he knew you already read. He held your gaze.

“Then why does she say you did?” you asked. “I know you said you would explain when it was all over. But we tried your way, and it didn’t work. I’m still having dreams, and I know you feel her presence too. It isn’t because I’m jealous of your relationship. I don’t care. I just want to sleep through the night. I need to know everything if we’re going to move on.”

“I know,” Yuta said quietly. “Okay.” He settled back into his chair, thinking for a moment. “Kuriko was… a very sad person. I loved her a lot, and I did what I could to support her, but I think sometimes it was difficult for her to understand me. It was worse because when we first met, she was bright and happy. We started dating in high school, and went to university together. She… was my first love. But…” His face darkened. “University was difficult for her. I watched her mental state deteriorate over the years. I hoped after we graduated, maybe, things would be better.

“She became somewhat paranoid, I suppose. She didn’t work, which was fine—I was making enough for the both of us. But she didn’t really have friends, and because of that she never really left the house,” Yuta continued. “I usually did the shopping. Which, again, was fine with me. I didn’t mind. It was just that I think it left her feeling a little stifled. And I had… a life, you know, outside of our house. And she sort of didn’t. She began to worry if I was truly dedicated to her. She never accused me of cheating outright, but I have a feeling she was thinking of it.”

He shook his head. “The few friends she did have, they checked on her from time to time. But she wanted them to think that everything was fine, so she didn’t mention anything to them, and she forbade me from mentioning any troubles to anyone else as well. I didn’t want to upset her, so I agreed. She even lied to her parents. But—I’d known her parents since I was a teenager, you know? So I did tell them I was worried for her. They told me they were worried too.

“I moved up in my career, and started having to go on business trips. Usually they were only a day or two, but I knew they worried Kuriko. Many times I asked if she wanted to stay with her parents while I was away, but she didn’t want to bother them. She didn’t want to come with me, either. Then…” He pressed his lips together. “Then I had to be gone for a week. I insisted she stay with her parents. I knew I would be far too worried about her, alone in our house for that long. So she went. And… that’s when it happened.”

He didn’t sound like a liar, or a murderer. He sounded sad and sincere. You couldn’t help but feel sorry for bringing it up. “I’m sure it was difficult. Not just—I mean, the whole time.”

“Yes,” Yuta admitted. “I considered leaving her a couple times. But I couldn’t do it. I loved her, and besides, I was afraid of what she might do—not to me, but to herself—if I did. But,” he sighed, “it happened anyway. I always wonder… what might have happened if I’d done something differently.”

There were tears misting his eyes, and your guilt grew. “I’m sorry to make you talk about it,” you said. “But it’s not fair to leave me in the dark. If I am supposed to be a part of your life—and I want to be—I need to know.”

He nodded. “I know,” he said quietly. “You’re right. I should have told you. I’m sorry.”

You heaved out a big breath, regarding him. After the silence stretched on for a few minutes, you finally pushed yourself to your feet. “It’s getting late,” you said. “I’ll heat up the leftovers.”

He caught your wrist as you passed. “I am sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t—I never wanted you to have to worry like this.”

Yuta, you thought, looking down at him. Sweet Yuta, my Yuta. “I don’t blame you,” you said. “At least now you’ve told me the truth. It’s alright.” You brought your hand up to his cheek. “I meant it, that I want to be part of your life. Not every part will be easy. I know that. I know that, and I still want it. Okay?”

He nodded, looking at you gratefully, then stood. “Okay. Here, you get the leftovers out. I’ll open some wine. I think we need it.”

You smiled, watching him meander over to your wine rack. “Hey,” you said. He paused, turning. “I love you.”

He smiled back, warmth returning to his eyes. “I love you, too.”

‧͙⁺˚*·༓☾　✧　☽༓·*˚⁺‧͙

For a week or so, the dreams stopped. You slept peacefully, and woke without dread lingering in your mind. You wanted to be hopeful, but you didn’t think Kuriko’s ghost would give in so easily.

You were right. One night, the dreams came back, but they were not the same. Instead of being visited by Kuriko, she showed you what seemed to be pieces of memories. You watched through her eyes, feeling everything she felt, as her world turned dark and cold around her.

Yuta dated her in high school but she always felt like it was because she was beautiful and popular and not because he actually liked her. Still, she loved Yuta. He was cool and funny and handsome. In her teenage eyes, he put the stars in the sky. She convinced herself he was the best she could ever have.

University was fine until her sophomore year. Her roommate, her good friend, was killed halfway through the year. Her murderer was arrested, but it didn’t make Kuriko feel any better. Her mental health declined and stayed low. Her relationship with Yuta flatlined because she didn’t have the energy to even take care of herself, let alone anybody else. He withdrew; she knew he resented her. This was not the girl he signed up to love. He would barely speak to her for days, only to come back and tell her he still loved her.

“You’re the only one for me,” he said. “I love you. Please don’t be sad.” On these days, he would care for her—he helped her clean her room, do her homework, made sure she got something to eat, and hope would blossom in her chest all over again. But then something would go wrong and he would disappear again.

But she couldn’t give him up. She knew she didn’t deserve any of the care he gave her, however scarce. Who will love you, if not me? Yuta’s voice asked in her head. And so she stayed.

After they graduated, Yuta insisted they move in together. He said he worried about her living on her own, and besides, they’d been dating for years. It would be silly not to. With no other real option, Kuriko agreed. When he proposed, she said yes. And she stayed there in their house until its walls were all she knew.

“[Y/N].” Yuta’s voice, sounding worried. “Hey, wake up.”

You gasped, catching his wrist with your hand as you wrenched your eyes open. For a moment, you were still Kuriko, and he was the Yuta in the dream that had belittled you and lied and trapped you inside that house alone, and you shoved him away, hard, trying not to scream.

But then you returned to yourself, and the anger was gone. Suddenly, you were cold, even though you could feel a layer of sticky sweat on your skin. Yuta was hovering a few feet away, looking shocked, one knee on the mattress.

Tears filled your eyes as your heartbeat slowed. “I,” you gasped. “I’m sorry.” And then you were crying—big, ugly sobs, curling over yourself and burying your face in the duvet. I thought it was over, you thought miserably. I wanted it to be over. How much longer do I have to endure it? How can I decide who is right? Yuta wouldn’t lie to me. Would he?

Yuta had not touched you, but he remained nearby, concern coloring his tone. “[Y/N], what is it?” But you had a feeling he knew—at least, he knew that the dreams hadn’t gone away. There was hurt in his voice, too—“I’m sorry,” he said, sounding helpless. “It’s not fair. It should be my sleep she disturbs, not yours. I’m sorry you have to suffer because of it.”

You raised your head. He wouldn’t lie to me. Kuriko must be jealous and trying to mislead me, or else mistaken. He would never do anything like that. You held out your arms to him, and he collapsed into him, face painted with relief. 

“They’re getting worse,” you whispered, and Yuta rubbed your back, holding you tighter.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “[Y/N], baby, I’m so sorry.”

But that was the thing—in his arms, you felt safe. This man would never hurt you. He loved you. Kuriko’s hatred, her fear, her anger, they were all faint in your mind now. You hid your face in his neck. “I’m scared, Yuta. She’s gotten inside my head.”

Yuta pulled away just a bit so he could look at you and wipe away your tears. His eyes were earnest. “If you—if it’s too much, and you want to leave me,” he whispered. “I understand, okay? But I want to get through this together. You make me so happy. Even now.” He was cupping your jaw with both hands, holding your head up. “Even now, I am glad I have you.”

You shook your head. “I don’t want to leave you,” you said. “I think she would follow me anyway.” You sighed, realizing now that the room was still quite dark aside from the small nightlight in the corner. “What time is it?”

“A little past three,” Yuta murmured. “You were talking in your sleep.”

“I woke you,” you said, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry.”

“No, that’s alright.” He smoothed down some of your hair. His eyes were distant, troubled.

“Why has she latched on to me?” you asked. “Was she haunting you before?”

Yuta shook his head. “Not… directly. Not like this. I would get dreams from her occasionally, but nothing like this.”

“Then… why now?” you asked. If she was so hateful, so bent on revenge, why wait?

“I think…” Yuta trailed off. “I think she knows it would be worse this way. For me to watch her torture someone I love, like…”

“Like?” 

But he didn’t reply. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep. Do you want to come downstairs with me to make some tea? Let’s both call out of work in the morning. We’ll be too tired to focus, anyway.”

You agreed, letting it go. As Yuta flicked on the light, you thought you saw the hem of a white robe disappear around the corner of the doorway. For a moment, the ember of doubt in your mind glowed a little brighter.

He killed me, [Y/N]. He will kill you, too.

‧͙⁺˚*·༓☾　✧　☽༓·*˚⁺‧͙

The dreams did not stop. They came in nonsensical, jagged puzzle pieces. It was like Kuriko was getting desperate. She was trying to tell you something. There was something she needed you to see. But in her desperation, nothing made sense. Scenes flashed through your mind. It was less visceral this way, less terrifying. But it made you dizzy. Often, when you woke, you had to stumble to the bathroom, heaving into the toilet, relying on the coolness of the tiles to ground you. Not real. None of it was real.

But the dreams did not stop. You remembered only flashes. A white sash tied around an ankle, discolored from use. A locked door. Bars over a window, bolted shut. Resounding silence, emptiness that seemed to never end.

The scene changed. You were standing in a dim hallway, listening to voices coming from a kitchen you almost recognized. 

“…don’t know how we’ll repay his kindness,” a woman was saying.

“He loves her,” a man replied. “He’s choosing it. I’m just glad she has him.”

You took a step forward, and then another. There was something you needed to tell them, but you hesitated. 

“It isn’t his job to fix her,” the woman said. “I don’t know what happened to my little girl, but this isn’t her. The girl he fell in love with is gone. I almost wonder if it’s cruel to hope he continues to stay.”

Whatever you needed to say escaped you. It wouldn’t do any good anyway. You tightened your fingers around the carefully-folded sash, turning and heading back down the hall, to the stairs that led to the basement. 

You woke to a dark room. Me, you said to yourself. Not me-as-Kuriko. Me. This is real. You looked over at Yuta, sleeping quietly beside you. You weren’t as nauseous this time, but you slipped out of bed anyway, padding into the bathroom. The moonlight shone cold through the window; it was dim, but enough to make out your reflection in the mirror as you passed. 

The sash was important. Why was it tied around her ankle? Was it her ankle? Why did she have it at the other house? Had those been her parents’ voices?

You studied your reflection in the mirror, the light and shadows playing tricks on your eyes. You hardly recognized your own face. You tilted your chin up, lips parting slightly. The air felt stale on your tongue. Almost involuntarily, you brought your fingers to your neck.

When you woke next, you were back in bed. You didn’t remember returning. Yuta was gone, his side already cold, but you could hear him rustling around in the kitchen downstairs. Bright summer sunlight streamed in through the cracks in the blinds. 

You sat up slowly. Your body hurt, like after a hard workout. You stretched, and a figure in the corner caught your eye.

It was Kuriko, white kimono hanging from her shoulders, bare feet making no noise as she paced across the hardwood. And around her neck, the bloody scar you had grown so accustomed to, it hardly scared you.

Not real, you told yourself, too frightened to close your eyes. But Yuta was still moving about downstairs; you could hear the clang of metal as he placed a pan on the stove. You wanted to scream—he would come running, and then you would be safe—but you couldn’t. Not real, you repeated. Sleep paralysis, maybe.

But you weren’t paralyzed. Kuriko moved towards the bed, and you scrambled out of it, backing against the wall. Dreaming, you tried to convince yourself. I’m just dreaming. Yuta is here; I am safe and I am dreaming.

“Wrong,” Kuriko said quietly. “Wrong both times. This is not a dream, [Y/N]. And you are not safe here. You will never be safe with him.”

“Stop it,” you said. “Stay back.”

But she wasn’t walking to you, you realized. She was studying the bed, where you had been lying just moments before. Her ribbons settled behind her. “He still takes the right side,” Kuriko mused. Her image flickered for a moment, and she gave an irritated sigh. It was the calmest you’d seen her, and that scared you worse than the wild anger. She reached out to ghost a hand over his pillow. You expected her to leave rust-red fingerprints behind from where her nailbeds bled, but the pillows stayed a pristine blue. “Interesting, the blue sheets. When we lived together, he liked white.”

She moved her attention to the headboard. “Nowhere to tie anything,” she remarked of the flat surface. Was it distaste in her tone, disappointment? “But he set up the room the same. Except our closet was to the inner wall.” She pointed to the bathroom door, left ajar. “And the bathroom on the other side. I remember. It always got tangled around the legs of the bed if I wasn’t careful.” She looked up. “When he buys you a rope, will that be blue, too?” Without waiting for your answer, she shook her head. “No, rope is not the word. Leash. For when the madness makes you an animal and he fears letting you roam free when he is not here to watch you.”

“Yuta wouldn’t do that. And I am not mad.” Your voice trembled. “Leave me alone. Get out of my house.”

“Hm.” Kuriko looked up at you. “Aren’t you?” 

You blinked, and she was gone. Your bed was how you left it, sheets crumpled.

You wanted to tear the blinds open, let the light purge her presence. But you felt weak, and your legs gave out beneath you. You sank to the floor, still shaking, hid your face in your hands, and cried. 

‧͙⁺˚*·༓☾　✧　☽༓·*˚⁺‧͙

You didn’t bring it up to Yuta at first. You didn’t know why—maybe you wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. Maybe you were hoping it was a dream. Maybe you feared that Kuriko was not lying. If her version of events was the truth, you didn’t want Yuta to know you knew. 

But the dreams still did not stop. Kuriko sent you the same scenes—days spent alone, tethered to the bed while Yuta was away. A sort of hazy madness taking hold. And grief, for her dead roommate. Every time you tried to get control and turn toward it, Kuriko whisked you away. She showed you Yuta—images of his eyes, cold like you had never seen them, the touch of his hands, harsh like you had never felt them. 

She visited you in the day, too. Sometimes it was just the flash of things—a white specter, gone as quick as it came. Other times, usually when you were home alone, she would talk to you. Sometimes, like the first time, she would goad you. She was quiet and terrifying then. Other times, she would demand her revenge from you. 

“You are the only person who seems to think he has done some wrong,” you insisted. “I cannot believe he would harm you like that.”

“You will be sorry,” she snarled, but you found out long ago that all she could do was pace. When she tried to touch you, some force held her back. You weren’t sure what it was, but it seemed enough to dissuade her from attempting assault. “It will happen to you. It is only a matter of time.”

“I must believe him,” you replied. “I do believe him.”

“Why? Because that hack seer told you he would be the last person you love?” Kuriko laughed wildly. “Do you believe your fate to be immutable? Don’t you wonder if your fear of your fate will be what cements it in reality?”

“How do you know about Aoi?” In truth, you had thought often of their words in the past few weeks. You were making your choice. You chose Yuta. 

Is that why you won’t tell him about these visits? a voice in your head asked. You weren’t sure if the voice sounded more similar to Kuriko’s or your own.

“How do I know?” Kuriko asked. She laughed, but stopped when she heard the sound of a key in the lock of your front door. “I’m in your head, [Y/N]. How could I not know?”

She disappeared as you heard the front door open. You turned to the stove to see your pot nearly boiling over.

“[Y/N]? Sorry I’m late. Is someone here?” Yuta called from down the hall.

You turned the stove off, looking at the space Kuriko had just been standing in. “No,” you replied. “Just me.”

“Huh,” Yuta said. He appeared in the doorway, wearing a bemused expression. “I thought I heard voices.”

You thought maybe, if you kept refusing to help her, eventually Kuriko would give up. But the problem with ghosts was that they had little else to do day to day. Kuriko would not simply grow bored of you and find a new purpose. This was her only purpose. 

It didn’t matter if you slept or stayed awake. It didn’t matter if you knocked yourself out with a sleep aid or exhausted yourself in the hopes that you would not dream. Kuriko found you anyway. She seemed to be growing more insistent, stronger. You began to worry that whatever barrier stopped her from touching you soon would not be enough to hold her back.

In the end, it was Yuta who brought it up first. “I know you’re not sleeping well still,” he said. “What do you dream?”

“It’s not just dreams now,” you admitted. “I see her in the day. She comes to taunt me, to beg me to listen.” You told him all the things she claimed he did to her, explained the memories she showed you. “I can’t imagine that to be true. And what happened to her roommate?”

Yuta’s face crumpled. He was silent for a moment; you could see his mind working. “I have been keeping something from you, still,” he said at last. “I wasn’t sure but—if she is appearing when you are awake, then I don’t think I am mistaken. [Y/N], do you know the Japanese belief in the existence of the onryō?”

You nodded. “A fearsome ghost, a vengeful spirit. You think that Kuriko—?”

“Yes,” Yuta said heavily. “Onryō are made from the spirits of those who died violently or wrongfully. Murder and suicide victims are among the most common. If there is deep resentment, their spirit remains behind, hounding those they believe are responsible for the terrible nature of their deaths until they are satisfied. Some are more easily appeased than others. For some—like Kuriko—the request is impossible because they are wrong.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience,” you said.

“I am,” he replied. “I have seen it once before. Kuriko’s roommate, she was killed by another university student one night. He drugged her, raped her, suffocated her to death. She blamed Kuriko for her death. They attended a party together that night, but when Kuriko couldn’t find her after she wanted to leave, she assumed she had found a guy to sleep with and left on her own. It had happened before.”

“She couldn’t have known,” you protested.

“No,” Yuta agreed, “she couldn’t. But her roommate blamed her anyway. Kuriko had been the one to step up first to help with investigations, which eventually led to the murderer being caught, tried, and sentenced. But it wasn’t enough. Her roommate said Kuriko should have stayed to look. She should have made sure she was alright before leaving. She seemed to think it was only fair that Kuriko died with her.

“Kuriko spiraled deeper and deeper into her depression, her guilt, her insanity. She turned her anger on me. She said I was to blame, because I had told her to hurry home that night. I did my best to help her. She convinced herself that I did not care for her. She convinced herself of a lot of things. Or…” Yuta sighed. “Or her roommate’s spirit convinced her. I watched as the insanity took her. I did everything I could, but I didn’t know how to fight that.” He stretched a hand out to you, and you took it. “I did not do any of those things she showed you. She lost herself, [Y/N]. I hoped desperately that I could save her. She was my first love.”

“I know,” you said. The weight of his story sat heavily with you. Kuriko’s sudden and steep depression made sense now, and with your understanding came sympathy.

“I don’t want to see the same thing happen to you,” Yuta said quietly.

“I am not her,” you insisted. “I believe you, Yuta. I know you couldn’t have done those things.”

“Thank you. You can’t go on like this, though,” Yuta said. “It’ll wear you down.”

You shook your head. “We’ll manage it. If there’s no hope for her, then maybe she will leave. It’s worth it to me. Is it worth it to you?”

Yuta looked uneasy, but he nodded. “Of course it is. I love you,” he said. 

You let him convince you. You were on the same side, after all. “I love you, too.” You offered him a brave smile. At least you knew what you were dealing with. “I’ll be fine.”

That night, Kuriko approached you in a dream. It had been a while since you’d seen her when you were asleep. “You won’t leave me alone even if I leave him now,” you said. “So what is it you want?”

“I want people to know what he did,” Kuriko said.

“But he didn’t do anything,” you said. “And—neither did you.” She was silent. “Yuta told me about your roommate. I understand why you never showed me those memories. I’m sorry about what happened to her. It wasn’t your fault, though.”

“Yes, it was,” she said bitterly. 

“No, it wasn’t.” You watched her, the anger there, the turmoil, the despair. “Don’t you want to rest?” you asked her.

She turned her eyes on you, and you saw tears there. “I can’t,” she wailed, leaning towards you. You flinched back. “I can’t, not until—”

Her fingers closed around your throat and you woke to a dark and silent bedroom. You laid in bed awake until morning. 

‧͙⁺˚*·༓☾　✧　☽༓·*˚⁺‧͙‧͙

She left you alone for a couple of nights after that. You had a feeling she hadn’t been very happy with how your conversation had gone. And then one night, Yuta was home early. He cooked a whole feast for you, broke out expensive wine. And when he brought out dessert, he also brought out a ring.

“I’ve never known anyone braver,” he said. “I know it’s not really a romantic time, but I’ve made up my mind about you. It’s you I want. I know this all has been because of me. But I won’t abandon you now. Will you marry me?”

It was sweet in its own tragic way. And it filled you with hope. “Yes, Yuta,” you said softly, offering your hand so he could slip the ring onto your fourth finger.

“Together,” he said. “We will fix it together.”

That night, you waited for Kuriko to come to you. You were in the backyard you had found yourself in the first time you remembered seeing her. You stood tall. You remembered what you said a few nights before. If there is no hope for her, then maybe she will leave. You hoped you were right.

Kuriko came. You imagined she couldn’t help herself, drawn to the love she and Yuta might have had for one another. 

“It’s over,” you told her softly. “I’m sorry, but you will get no satisfaction here.”

“He will pay,” she said angrily. “And you along with him.”

“You have no power here,” you told her. “You have disrupted my life long enough. You will never convince me to help you. I’m sorry for the way your life ended. I’m sorry you felt alone. I am demanding now you leave me be. Leave the living to live. You deserve rest.”

“I hate you,” Kuriko said venomously, but after a moment she spun on her heel and walked back towards the house. As you watched her go, you realized that her robes seemed much cleaner. The tattered ribbons that usually billowed behind her were gone.

The back door shut sharply. You stayed for a moment, then turned and walked away. As the world around you dissolved into another dream, you remember what she said in the kitchen a couple of weeks ago, when you asked how she knew about Aoi. 

I am in your head, [Y/N]. How could I not know? 

But it was over now. She had left your head at your request.

When you woke you thought of the lack of ribbons. Was that what Aoi meant by when it walks free? Maybe things would finally be peaceful.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　✧　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

Things were peaceful, for a while. For three weeks, you dreamed normal dreams. No ghosts visited you, awake or asleep. Your life was simple, easy, full of love. You told Yuta about your confrontation with Kuriko and he seemed to agree that it was all over. You thought of calling Aoi, but figured you’d get around to it soon. For the first time in about a year, your future felt clear to you. You and Yuta would grow old together, and your nightmares would remain nightmares, nothing more.

On the one year anniversary of the two of you moving into that house, you woke up in the doorway of your bedroom. You were holding a glass of water. You were not known to sleepwalk—or sleep-anything. You didn’t even really snore, as far as you knew.

Without knowing what to do, you set the glass down on your bedside table and fell back into an uneasy sleep.

You mentioned it to Yuta the next morning over breakfast. “I think I sleepwalked last night,” you said. “I don’t know—I don’t remember what I dreamt. I just woke up at the door of our bedroom with a glass of water, which means I must’ve come down to the kitchen.”

Yuta frowned. “Huh. Well, I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself. Did you sleepwalk as a kid?”

“No,” you said. “Not that I remember.”

“Well, maybe it was a one-time thing.” He paused to kiss the top of your head as he passed by your chair. “If it keeps happening, though, you should probably go talk to a doctor.” He noticed your expression. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I imagine your brain is a little fried from… this last year of troubled sleep. I wouldn’t be surprised if that just made it a little overactive at night.” He put his plate in the sink. “And maybe tonight, get a glass of water before bed, just in case. I don’t want you to hurt yourself on the stairs or something.”

In the light of day, with Yuta’s soothing voice to calm your fears, you decided he was right. You nodded. “Yeah,” you agreed.

It didn’t happen every night. But once in a while, you’d find yourself somewhere else in your house. Sometimes it was the kitchen; other times, the living room. One day you woke with a slash wound on your palm, a kitchen knife still gripped in your other hand. You bandaged it quietly, mopped up your blood, and put the knife away. 

In the morning, you showed the wound to Yuta and asked him to hide the knives.

His eyes were round with fear and concern. “You should definitely see a doctor,” he said. “You’re lucky it was just your hand, and not something more serious.”

You agreed; you scheduled yourself for the next appointment that your primary care doctor had, which was about a week and a half away. Yuta hid the knives. 

A few nights later, you woke up in the entryway with dirt under your fingernails and all over your shoes. The next night was the same, and the night after that, too, except it had rained, so it was much harder to clean up. 

“There isn’t any way you can bump your appointment up?” Yuta asked. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“I don’t think so,” you said. “They’re booked. It’s okay, it’s just another week.”

“Maybe you should go to urgent care,” Yuta suggested.

You were worried, of course, but the suggestion made you laugh. “And say what? ‘I need to see a doctor right now, I’ve been digging up flowers in my sleep’? They’ll tell me I’m wasting their time.” You shook your head. “I’ll be okay.”

Yuta did laugh, albeit begrudgingly, at that. “Okay, yeah, if you put it that way, it sounds silly.”

What made you apprehensive, though, was that you could not recall anything you dreamt on nights that you walked. Your memories would stop sometime around when you drifted off to sleep, and only restart again once you awoke, wherever your body had decided to take you. It’s not that you expected the dream to be cohesive or sensical, but there should be something there, right?

You weren’t certain it was linked to Kuriko. You hadn’t seen or heard from her in a month. But something in the back of your mind screamed danger. If you had been wise, maybe you would’ve gone to Aoi the first time you walked. But you weren’t wise. You were hopeful. And you were afraid that what Aoi had to tell you might shatter than hope. You wanted everything to be fine.

But one night, you woke to find yourself up to your knees in mud and a little chest in the ground at your feet. It was still dark outside, early morning in mid-spring; the ground smelled fresh. You bent to pick it up and clambered out of the hole you had apparently dug in your own backyard.

You dusted it off, holding it up in the moonlight. You’d never seen it before. With shaking fingers, you unlatched the clasp and flipped the lid open. There, lying in a perfect coil at the bottom of the chest, was the white sash you had seen in your dreams—the sash Kuriko had been convinced Yuta used to tether her to the bed when he was away, the sash she had ultimately used to hang herself. 

Sitting on top was a picture of Kuriko in her graduation robe. On top of that were two engagement rings.

You remembered how Yuta had dedicated himself to working on your landscaping when you two first moved into this house a year ago. How he was determined to have a beautiful garden. Had he buried this while you screwed knobs onto cabinets and folded his clothes? And if he had, why had he kept it all these years?

You walked back inside. These days, when you found yourself sleepwalking, you went straight back to the bedroom to wake Yuta, at his request. But today, you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to see him—fear and anger and confusion mixed in your stomach as you tracked mud through the house, not even bothering to take off your shoes. You placed the open chest on the kitchen table and slumped into one of the chairs. 

You waited there until morning. The mud caked onto your fingertips. You stared down at the chest, unwilling to wake Yuta, unwilling to go back to sleep. Why would he keep it? The photograph you could understand, and maybe even the rings, but the sash? What good would that do? Maybe that was why Kuriko had been haunting you, because these items had not been put to rest. 

Old doubts about Yuta resurfaced. It was creepy; what else was he hiding? What had he lied about? Maybe Kuriko had been telling the truth all along. Maybe you had been a fool not to listen to her. You twisted your own engagement ring around your finger.

“[Y/N]?” It was Yuta’s voice, floating down from the landing. “Are you here?”

“In the kitchen,” you replied, forcing yourself to speak loud enough to hear him.

“Did you sleepwalk again?” His voice was clear of any guilt; he was all concern as he came into view. Recognition twisted his features when his eyes landed on the chest lying open in front of you. “Where…?”

“I woke up in the yard. I was digging,” you said. “Apparently this is what I was digging for.”

It was like he could sense your anger, the accusation hovering at the edges of the room. Or maybe he was guilty. “[Y/N], I don’t know how that got here,” he said. “Really.”

“This sash,” you said, pointing at it. You could feel your anger mounting. “Kuriko said you used it to keep her tied to your bed when you were gone on business trips. You left food in the room for her so she wouldn’t starve, and locked the windows and doors. That’s why she used it to hang herself. Is that true?”

“No!” Yuta exclaimed.

“Then why did you have it? How did she have it, then?” you asked.

“It—we used it—it was for sex, [Y/N], just—like, bondage and stuff, that’s why I never talked about it,” Yuta said. “How was I supposed to bring that up? And who wants to hear about their partner’s past sex life with their ex?”

“Okay, then why did you keep it?” you asked. You’d raised your voice without realizing it in your agitation. Nothing made sense. Am I still dreaming? you wondered. But I don’t dream when I walk.

“I didn’t keep it!” Yuta said. He was pacing in front of you now. “I threw out all of her things. I swear to you, I didn’t keep it. I threw out the sash. Packed away the few physical photos I had of her. Returned the rings. I don’t know how this stuff got here.”

“You’re lying,” you accused. “How else could it have gotten here? It was buried like two or three feet deep, Yuta, it didn’t just end up there by accident! You worked so hard on the yard when we first moved in. Is this why?”

“You have to believe me,” he begged. 

“That’s all I’ve done!” You didn’t know where the rage was coming from, but it was burning up inside you. Somehow, you were on your feet. “All I’ve done this whole time is believe you, Yuta! I trusted you even when you couldn’t explain, even when you wouldn’t tell me things, even when you lied. I was patient. I was good to you. How much more are you hiding? How much more do you want?”

Your world was collapsing. So long you had tried to convince yourself that things would be fine if you just kept pushing through. Your rage thrummed through your body like a second heartbeat. You chose Yuta because you wanted to believe he was telling the truth, and you endured nightmares and apparitions and fear and hurt and lies, and now you didn’t think you would stand it any longer.

“Please,” Yuta was saying. You blinked, and realized you had backed him up against the kitchen counter. There was a knife in your hand. You didn’t know where you got it. You didn’t even know where Yuta had hidden the knives, but when you looked over, you saw one of the cupboard doors flung open. “Please,” he repeated, his throat working against the sharp metal of the blade. It didn’t horrify you as much as it should. All you could think of was your anger. He betrayed you, you thought to yourself. He deserves this. “I love you, [Y/N]. Please.”

“That’s what you said to her!” you yelled. “Liar!”

Something registered behind his eyes. “Kuriko,” he said quietly. “Let her go.”

It only made you angrier. “What are you talking about? You’re still thinking of her, even now?”

“No! Listen, please,” Yuta said. “I’ve made mistakes. I don’t pretend to be without them. I admit it, I should have just broken up with Kuriko when it was clear we could no longer help each other. But, [Y/N], I swear I never did any of those terrible things she showed you. Please. Put the knife down,” he wheedled. “I never did any of that. The only thing I did was lie. The last few years of our relationship, I didn’t love her. I loved a memory of her, and I was too stupid and cowardly to admit that things would never go back to how they were. I was too stupid and cowardly to let her go.”

You could hardly hear him. It didn’t matter what he said; the roaring of anger in your ears was louder. “You’re lying,” you repeated. You felt something wet on your cheek; you had begun to cry. “She told me everything, and I should’ve trusted her from the start. You’re lying! You did it to her, and you tried to do the same to me.”

“No, I didn’t, [Y/N],” he said. “I’ll do anything you want, please, just put the knife down.”

Your voice was not your own; your thoughts, not your own; your breath, not your own. “I can’t let you do it to anybody else.” Your hands, too, were not your own. You were still crying, but you didn’t stop. A feeling of satisfaction settled heavy in your chest when the knife sank into Yuta’s stomach, all the way up to the hilt.

Thank you, a familiar voice said, for letting me borrow your body. You asked me if I wanted to rest. I can rest now.

As swift as it came, the rage left you, and you looked down to see Yuta slumped on the floor against your cabinets—cabinets you painted together. The knife slipped from your wet palm. Yuta bled and bled and bled onto the polished hardwood and you sank down next to him. You heard your own sobs like they were coming from somewhere else—another person, another lifetime.

“Yuta,” you sobbed. “What did I do? Yuta, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll call 119, I’ll fix it, just stay with me, just stay, I’ll, I’ll—”

“I’m sorry.” Yuta reached out to you weakly. You shook your head, horror coursing through your body. “It’s my fault,” he whispered. Wrong, it was all wrong. Why should he apologize? “I should’ve known better than to drag some innocent girl into my life before the ghosts of my past had been put to rest.” He drew a rattling breath. “But I meant it. I love you.” 

“Yuta.” You could barely see him through your tears. Not real, you thought desperately. Maybe you were begging. Not real, it’s not real.

“I love you,” he repeated. “I loved you from the start.” A beat of silence; he was blinking slowly, not quite looking at you. “I couldn’t help it.”

“It’s not fair,” you whispered. A tidal wave of grief crested inside you. “It’s not fair! Kuriko!” You turned, stumbling to your feet, trying to see any trace of her. “Come back and face me! You bitch! You loved him too! How could you? How could…”

You looked back down at Yuta and realized he had stopped breathing.

“No,” you murmured, crouching back down. “No, no no no, Yuta, I—I’m sorry.” You wrapped your arms around him; you could feel his blood, still warm, seep into your shirt front. “I’m sorry.” 

But Yuta was dead.

You curled over his body, sobbing. Blood and dried mud stained the carpet under the table. You cried; hours could have passed and you wouldn’t have known. It didn’t matter—nothing mattered anymore. Kuriko was gone. Yuta was dead, and you had killed him.

He will be the last love you will ever know, Aoi had said.

Your brain felt like a shattered mirror. With Yuta and Kuriko gone, how could you ever know what was true? How much had Kuriko made up? Did she make it up on purpose, or was she simply driven insane, and truly believed all of it? Or was it you who was mad? Did you imagine all of it? Did you kill Yuta over a hallucination? Was it your knowledge of your future that made this happen?

Do you believe your fate to be immutable? Kuriko had asked. Don’t you wonder if your fear of your fate will be what cements it in reality?

You were too slow to your decision. You should have trusted Yuta from the beginning and never let Kuriko embed herself so deeply in your mind, or you should have left immediately. Then Yuta would still be alive.

When the past no longer haunts you, when it walks free, your path will be set. You understood it now. Kuriko had stopped haunting you because her spirit had begun to possess you. You did not dream when you walked because it had been her.

My path. You pushed yourself to your feet. What was your path now?

Your eyes fell on the sash, still coiled in the chest, just as you found it. You took one step closer, and then another, arm outstretched. You knew what you would do. It was the only thing, really. The only choice you had left.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　✧　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

It’s poetic, as all things should be. The sash is soft in your fist. You open the basement door. 

It’s odd—since you moved in, you haven’t been down here once. You had forgotten how it looked. Boxes are stacked in the corner; extra decorations overflow in bins. You and Yuta wanted to put more art on the walls. You wanted to make a game room.

You find a chair and a sturdy metal pipe. You hook the sash around the pipe and tie it tight. 

It’s a funny thing, grief. It’s different every time. When you were seven and your grandmother died, it only brought you terror and confusion. When your first boyfriend broke up with you—doubt and rage. Now, your grief comes with overwhelming clarity, and bitter regret. 

You and Yuta could have loved each other for the rest of your lives. You are sure of that. You can see it now, like scenes out of an old movie: a picnic in the summer, a homemade dinner with friends. Maybe children. Yuta, eyes sparkling as he laughs. 

But it was never possible, you realize. You’d never once imagined your future in great detail. It was always the vague outline of a thing. You always thought it was because you were preoccupied, but now you think maybe some small part of you knew. You were fated to die from the moment you met Yuta. Of course you would make all the mistakes that led you here—mistakes only you could make. There was nothing you could do to stop it.

You catch your reflection in the window. It’s overcast today, dark enough that you can see the image, but it’s still blurry. The tied sash hangs over your head like a halo. Another lie, to bring the story of you and Yuta and the love between you to its grand conclusion.

You bring one foot up onto the seat of the chair, then look back around you. But you’re not really leaving anything behind. Everything you had is gone. And Yuta is waiting for you.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　✧　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

News crews gather in the streets. The neighbors watch through half-drawn blinds as two body bags are quickly carried out of the house and placed in the back of a vehicle. Yellow tape goes up everywhere. The reporters clamor; one police officer tries to corral them away while the others flit in and out the house, wearing rubber gloves and carrying evidence bags. 

There are a few words being passed around. Nakamoto Yuta. White Lady. Murder-suicide. No note.

Most of the cameras are aimed at the ground level, following the activity of the cops. But one swivels upward, zooming in on a second story window.

For a moment, there seems to be a figure there. No—two figures. They’re slow-dancing, coming in and out of view. As if on cue, it begins to rain, and the water blurs the camera lens. If the figures are still there, they’re impossible to see.

But over the sound of rainfall, someone listening closely might pick out the sound of a song.

Why stop to think of whether

This little dream might fade?

We've put our hearts together

Now we are one, I'm not afraid

If there's a cloud above

And it must rain, we'll let it

But for tonight, forget it

I'm in the mood for love…

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

CYOAs of the Internet Age

(Or, Metaru talks about their random old special interest for some time.)

Also, before we begin, quick unreality warning! I’m not sure if any of my specific recommendations are specifically like this (I don’'t think so, but I'm not sure, do not quote me on that), but I know a few present themselves as, like, actually being fake forms and stuff, or have the premise of your actual life being a fake simulation of some kind, and they all generally deal with scenarios where you- as in, your actual real life self- being in a different world or gaining special powers and knowledge, ect. in their premise, so if that could trigger you in some way, consider this a warning!

What are CYOAs/Choose Your Own Adventures?

Well, there’s the book sort of CYOAs, but that’s not what we'll be discussing today. Instead, these CYOAs are a much less rigid and very open, though still structured, sort of adventure, more designed to spark your imagination so you can choose the basics and then imagine what happens afterwards. They can be simple- from “choose a single item”- to dozens of pages of complex mechanics, but all have the same purpose, not to be any sort of rigid narrative, but a jumping off point for your own imagination. The possibilities really are endless, because that’s what it’s about- making a scenario in your own head, then thinking it through!

CYOAs are an entirely fanmade, free sort of game, and can really be made by anyone about anything, as long as you know some basic image software. Typically, they use art from various websites (usually not credited, unfortunately, which is one of the major issues of the format), though some lack images entirely or use the authors own personal art. Again, because they’re all about free choice, you can probably find a CYOA for anything, because that also applies to weird concepts!

… Unfortunately, while this concept is obviously amazing and wonderful and the best thing ever (I may be biased), it also originated in places such as 4chan. Yeah, you can see the problem, I think. CYOAs, while great, often have the issue of “wow this is from 4chan culture”, with either subtle or overt bigotry, slurs, sexualisation of underaged characters, ect. This is obviously a massive barrier for anyone looking to get in to the hobby, and as such I’ve took it upon myself to compile a list of CYOA's I’ve found that I believe avoid this problem- though I’m not 100% sure, I went through hundreds for this so I might have missed some stuff! Please tell me if so, and I’ll remove them, and if you have a link to any CYOAs you think are worthwhile and avoid this issue, I'll also add them. Under the read more is an example CYOA- The Village, a CYOA about being in a comfortable, mildly supernatural village- if you want to check out one before clicking any links.

All of these CYOAs I found on r/makeyourchoice, which I’d recommend if you want to seek out more since the only other real communities are like. 4chan. There’s also r/nsfwcyoa, in case you were looking for something more spicy, though obviously due to tumblrs rule set and minors following me I’m not linking to any posted there today. Though, do be warned, as above there's often issues with CYOAs stemming from their origin, and while they’re easy to ignore- they’re basically a prompt for your brain, after all, just cut off those parts in your head- they’re still an issue you should be warned about.

https://imgur.com/a/7HUE3c4 - Comfy Spaceship: A short, visually pleasing CYOA focusing on producing your own starship, and where you travel to. No warnings apply.

https://imgur.com/gallery/hzDfmP5 - Nexus: A long CYOA about becoming a dimensional traveller on a ship called the Nexus, what abilities and challenges you might encounter, and the friends you make. Minor body horror warning.

https://imgur.com/a/Nhij7? - Defender of the Universe: A medium length sci-fi CYOA about being a hero in the far future, with a lot of references to various sci-fi media. No warnings apply.

https://imgur.com/a/fifAm - Built in the Heavens: A long sci-fi CYOA focusing on gaining an incredibly powerful and versatile spaceship, with a lot of options for the complications this will bring. Minor suggestive content warning.

https://imgur.com/a/XM1esCp - Eternal Arms: A very, very long CYOA about taking control of a rebel group fighting against a mysterious organisation that’s took over the world, with mechas! And also potentially magic and/or psychic powers, if you so choose. Minor blood warning.

https://imgur.com/t/cyoa/cYMCU - Dark God: A short CYOA about becoming, well, a Dark God. While, unsurprisingly, there’s many choices allowing you to be quite evil, you can also be benevolent if you so choose. Body horror and a few suggestive images warning.

https://imgur.com/a/sb5yT - Battlemage: A medium length fantasy CYOA about being a soldier against a threat that’s taken your homeland, with a very fun sense of progression and growth. No warnings apply.

https://imgur.com/gallery/QU4D6rU - S.C.R.A.P.P.E.R: A medium to long length, very detailed CYOA about being essentially a space mercenary and everything that could entails. No warnings apply.

https://i.redd.it/8l9g8obsf8x61.jpg - Cat Break: You are a cat. Enjoy! Minor suggestive images warning.

https://imgur.com/gallery/aAhFDG8 - Ultimate God: A long CYOA about becoming an incredibly powerful god and embodiment of a certain concept, and gardener of life. Very inspired by Homestuck, and has a lot of references to other fictional properties, but can be enjoyed without knowledge of any. Minor body horror warning.

https://imgur.com/a/OJJxdDY - Globe Keeper: A medium length CYOA about gaining a planet to protect, and focus on both customising it and developing the powers to keep it safe in your life. Suggestive imagery warning, and one image does have someone holding a noose.

https://imgur.com/gallery/3B84RSF - Seinaru Magecraft Girls: A medium length CYOA about becoming a magical girl, with a dark twist if you read between the lines, and an interesting power mechanic. Minor blood and body horror warnings, and occasional references towards topics like child abuse and cult activity.

https://imgur.com/a/YrBxl - Eternals Rising: A very long CYOA about being a child to a fantasy royal family, with a mysterious destiny of your choice. There’s a lot of moving parts here, but they intersect in a fun way and leave you with a lot of options! Minor body horror warning.

https://imgur.com/a/q1zp6dk - Eternal Adventure: A similar, and even longer, CYOA than the above, but with a focus on running your own adventurers guild instead. Minor blood warning.

[talkingbl]

Thoughts on the GMM Pillars + New GMM Royalty?

Just a post on my general thoughts on the pillars, the state of their pairings at this point (and moving forward), and potential new pillars in the mix.

KristSingto: As of the time of posting, I never really watched SOTUS/SOTUS S so I can't comment at length on KristSingto. Based on the first episode, I can see why people fell for SOTUS, KongpobArthit, and KristSingto generally. Krist and Singto also have some pretty funny iconic moments. But I didn't watch them enough to understand the complete cult following they've garnered, and thus can't really predict their future as a Pillar besides that they might be dead due to Krist wanting to branch out. But maybe someone can enlighten me lol.

OffGun: I have A LOT to say about OffGun. The first thing I'll say is that this is going to have strong hints of clowning so please indulge me for a bit. But let's just get into it.

I've watched Puppy Honey and Theory of Love and bah gawd does OffGun's chemistry carry the hell out of PickRome and KhaiThird (more so PickRome). But because Khai and Third are well-written as characters (more on that another time), I can focus more on Off and Gun's acting in TOL. I must say that on rewatch, Off and Gun are easily my favorite Thai BL pairing to watch onscreen and a good part of that is pure acting skill. That isn't to say they don't have chemistry because good lord do they do hot-and-cold/flirtationship extremely well. They also seem to have a very professional working relationship and you never see their drama overcome their work and this is vital as GMM Pillars and as co-leads in general. I firmly believe that Off and Gun can work together for as long as they so desire (not that they have to) based purely off the fact that they are so professional, are both good actors (and improving over time), and naturally seem to have a strong respect for each other.

Now that that's over with, this is where the clowning comes in... I'll start this with saying that Off and Gun know how to play the game. Not saying they should play the game or that I myself need that, but just saying that they know how to get their fans going. That being said, early OffGun gave a feeling of over-familiarity on Gun's behalf. Then, between 2019-2020, Off seemed to warm up a lot to Gun's familiarity and Gun then pulled back. I'm noting this because I think this push-and-pull in their early days was actually very genuine. Not saying it meant anything or something like that, just that you could clearly tell that Gun was a flirty person and Off was not comfortable with it but then, probably as a result of playing opposite Gun, Off started to open up more with everyone (not just Gun). I think their pairing actually forced them to grow as actors and professionals and it's part of the reason why they are likely the only current GMM Pillar I see having even more longevity.

TayNew: Okay so, y'all had to know I wrote this last... My thoughts on TayNew are weirdly complex, just like my journey with them. Full disclosure, I started out REALLY hating TayNew and very against their pairing. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I wasn't familiar with them prior to Girlfriendgate (not the official term but that's what I'm calling it 🤪). I felt so bad for New and felt like their fans ruined their work. And my issues with the fans bled over into the pairing itself. I didn't understand what people saw in them, thought they had 0 chemistry, and ESPECIALLY didn't know why people thought they were real (I tend to not believe in any of these offscreen things anyway though so there's also that). BUT this was all before I had even watched any of their shows together, watched a single interview, watched them do things separately, or even heard New speak lmao. I think I actively clung to JossTay just because I didn't want to even be associated with TayNew or Polcas. Probably in another post specifically about TayNew, I will discuss Girlfriendgate and my thoughts about it but for now, I want to focus on them as a pairing (i.e. acting in a show as co-leads) and their future as a GMM Pillar.

Firstly, KMA: Pete-Kao wasn't some phenomenal story or anything with like crazy good writing but what it did well was allow Tay and New to play to their offscreen dynamic. Before fully watching KMA, I had only ever seen people say "Tay and New bicker like a married couple" or "Tay and New are really Pete and Kao" and I just thought, that's a little delusional...but then I watched KMA and early TayNew, and when you watch them, you get the distinct feeling that they are very honest with what they show people. Tay and New are not over-the-top with their offscreen interactions and they don't play up the "we're really boyfriends" thing like *cough* MewGulf *cough*. They don't even have classic romantic (or even friendly) chemistry IMO. Unlike, say, EarthMix, TayNew come off as coworkers who have tension/history lol. I know they always talk about hating each other at first and I can totally believe that. But there's also a weird feeling of something really sweet there that usually doesn't exist between people who hate each other. It's so hard to describe (especially in a brief section and without looking like a straight up clown) so I might try to elaborate later. Point is, Tay and New 100% bring this energy to Pete and Kao and it's hard to know when they've stepped out of character. Because of that, I think it became easy for Polcas to project Pete and Kao onto Tay and New. That said, I don't know if TayNew has a future as a GMM Pillar. It's a tough call right now because I do get the feeling that New is opening up to the pairing again but I also get the feeling that Tay might be a bit over it at this point. But I think I'll discuss more on that in a TayNew post.

BrightWin: So 2Gether was my first proper Thai BL and after watching it I totally understood the hype. It wasn't until I got further into Thai BL that I realized people actually did not like BrightWin as actors and thought they had no chemistry. I admit that Bright's acting wasn't the most inspired, but partly why I felt (and still feel to this day) that he worked with Win is that he was good at looking interested in Win. Win on the other hand seemed to be forcing it a bit more, though I'm not sure how much of this was acting his character to a T and how much of it was him just not having chemistry with Bright. I do highly doubt its the latter though because offscreen, there's a lot of easygoing chemistry there. It's not as loud as some of the other pairings on this list but you can tell they're not awkward with each other, which brings a lot to SalawatTine IMO. That said, I do not see BrightWin sticking around as a new GMM pillar. They're like an inbetweener pair that I don't think will do any more BL work together.

EarthMix: Earth and Mix have so much onscreen romantic chemistry it's almost jarring when you see them interact in real life. Despite the fact that they do almost nothing romantic in ATOTS, Tian seems smitten with Phupha in that tsundere sort of way and Phupha has a strong stillness in his adoration for Tian. Almost like a rock of controlled emotion for Tian. Offscreen, Earth and Mix have such a fun dynamic and you can tell they've been friends for years. I think it's a testament to their acting skills (mostly Mix's) that they're able to pull off romance onscreen in a way that other guys on this list who are close friends cannot.

PondPhuwin: This is my newest GMM pair and definitely one of my favorites in their show. PondPhuwin is like a higher vibrational BrightWin in many ways. Pond does very well as Mork with regard to showing attraction to Pi, and Phuwin is just a decent actor in general. Like 90% of his onscreen chemistry with Pond is how he his able to reach into a very vulnerable feeling and portray that as Pi. Offscreen, they have a very mutually respectful relationship and, as with the other GMM pairs, good boundaries with the fans. Their chemistry is brotherly and very marketable in that way. I definitely think they can become part of the GMM pillars.

[doomednarrative]

On the topic of listening to "Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" one too many times, and the idea that you might be identifying too much with your trauma and mental illness:

----

If you've followed me for any length of time on this blog, you'll probably be aware of two things about me:

A. I'm clearly mentally ill in some regard, and B. I use music to cope and work thru the issues related to my mental illness and trauma a lot.

The past four years have been both the worst and best years of my life. I ran away from an abusive home, I've gone thru two major breakups and one of them just absolutely rocked my shit for awhile, I've been consistently working thru my queer identity and figuring all of that out for myself, and the list goes on.

Finally leaving an environment that had trapped me in a cycle of traumatic experiences for years left me in a weird place. For once I was somewhere where my illness and suffering was being taken seriously and not constantly belittled and ignored, and my queerness was accepted and respected. And that felt great!

What Wasnt so great about that was the Overwhelming feelings of "oh my god I've been suffering for so long and now that i'm out of that place, I cant stop thinking about it and realizing how much its truely fucked me up and worsened my mental health" that came with everything else.

And with that overwhelm, somewhere along the line I started to identify with that suffering. I had spent so long in a place that refused to acknowledge that I was hurting at all, that now that I was in a place where I could truely express that hurt and how it affected me, I didnt want to let go of it.

This was a cycle that went on for awhile, and one that I didn't really realize I was trapped in until about March this year.

Enter Will Wood and his wonderful music.

I'd heard of him months before, already had Dr. Sunshine and Hand Me My Shovel in my spotify library. But I didn't really give him a Proper listen until Miles suggested I do so, and I fell in love almost immediately with his stuff. Underneath his music just being fun and wild to listen to, Will's music talks so openly and genuinely about deeper themes of personal identity and mortality and the current culture we live in, and so many other important things.

"Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" is a song about both sides of the mental health discussion and about the struggle of how everyone deals with their own personal identity in relation to their mental health treatment. Its a song that once I heard what it was really saying, it slapped me in the fucking face to say the least. I havent heard someone describe the things this song is trying to say in a way that actually made sense and summed up my feelings on the discussion so nicely ever honestly. The things Will addresses in this song are important, and its all stuff I've personally pondered on for awhile too.

Some lyrics that really stuck out to me would be these two:

"Who makes the call, whats a symptom whats a flaw, can it be both? Well I suppose thats an answer."

"Ain't your identity at stake? Does aspirin kill you with the pain?"

What a complex question, isnt it? Does treatment kill your identity, change who you are as a person? Is that a bad thing? Whats really a symptom of the mental illness and what makes it that? Do those symptoms also count as personal flaws?

What do you do when you identify too much with your illness that you feel you can't get treatment for it?

That was the real question I got stuck on for myself. Because after a lot of deeper reflection on my own behavior and thoughts towards my illness and trauma, I made a discovery I hadn't known before really thinking about what this song was saying:

I found that I was scared to be treated. I was scared of finding an identity outside of my illness. I had become so accustomed to defining a part of myself by my suffering, that i became afraid of what or who I could become without it constantly weighing me down. And thats a very heavy thing to realize about yourself, but it was a very eye opening thought for me to have.

And I dunno how much longer itd have taken me to figure out if it wasnt for this song tbh. Its just not something I wanted to think about for awhile. I became content with identifying myself by my illness, and I was resistant to seeking out treatment for fear that I wouldnt like who I'd become if I tried to treat it.

Thankfully, this is something I've been working thru more recently after having that revelation.

I don't really have some grand statement to make at the end of this. I'm really just here journalling and writing down how I feel about all of this stuff recently. But, I do think theres something to be said about how art and music can really affect people. Hell knows I've had quite a few good mental revelations about myself since listening to Wills music more recently. Its been helpful honestly.

If you take anything away from this tho, maybe it should be that its not a bad thing to examine just how much you define yourself by your illness and trauma sometimes. You might find that you're in a little too deep sometimes and want to pull yourself out.

You're more than what your illness is. And treatment for it isn't a bad thing either. I may just be learning this for myself, but I do think its true.

Just something for yall to ponder for now I suppose.

[laurelnose]

Very New to your blog and the posts are probably way old but I saw you do Witcher Biology (??) rants sometimes and Id love to hear your take, if you have one, on what monsters (namely "naturally occurring" ones like draconids and insectoids) contribute to the ecosystem if anything and whether or not they should be hunted into extinction. I was discussing it w/ a friend last night after dealing with Iocaste, the last silver basilisk, and now its smthn I'm Invested in

re monster ecosystems: I just figure theyve probably found a niche in the world by now and can eat anything smaller incl. humans but because theyve got no natural predators aside from eachother and arent hunted by anything but witchers , monsters are just breeding and eating and wldnt that damage the land? or have they made their own like, circle of life or whatever ? Ive little knowledge on the subject as a whole but the whole thing intrigues me

hi & extremely belated welcome, anon! my apologies for the length of time you’ve been waiting for this answer; I had to think carefully about how I wanted to respond to this ask, because: there’s a lot going on here. also, because I am a disaster, I ended up posting it to ao3 first while I was avoiding tumblr for a spell and then completely forgot to come back. oops. i’m sorry!! This one’s about 5000 words long, which is a lot for tumblr, so reading on AO3 may be preferable.

-

The two main thrusts of your first ask (how do monsters interact with the ecosystem and should they be eradicated from the Continent) are questions of invasion ecology, the study of non-native/invasive species and their effects on the environment. Monsters, having arrived on the Continent about 1200 years ago during the Conjunction of Spheres from entirely alien dimensions, are indeed technically non-native species!

However, invasion ecology is…somewhat controversial, to say the least—there are a lot of invasive species, who have a lot of different & complex impacts, and a lot of different ideas about what we might do about any of this, and it’s basically all arguing all the time, so I wasn’t really sure how I wanted to approach the topic. Not to mention that for reasons I couldn’t initially put my finger on, it seemed wrong to apply theories of invasion ecology to the Witcher monsters. We’ll get into it! There are also a couple of common misconceptions/oversimplifications of how ecology works in your second ask which I want to unpack. Hopefully I pulled this together into something that makes sense, and feel free to ask me for clarification!

Some important background facts:

Species have always been moving to and “invading” new places on their own; humans and globalization have accelerated this process into a Big Problem, as the sheer number of invasive species being introduced all over the globe strains ecosystems already under pressure, but “native ranges” are always shifting, sometimes more dramatically than you might expect. If you go far enough back in time, all species are “non-native”.

Because of this, the very definition of “invasive species” is hotly contested. This is why you’ll hear dozens of terms like introduced species, injurious species, naturalized species, non-native species, etc.; these all have slightly different connotations, but all refer to a species that did not originate in a particular location.

An introduced species is usually classified as “invasive” as opposed to “non-native” or “naturalized” if its presence significantly alters the ecosystem it invades; some people define this more narrowly as a species that causes harm to an ecosystem. “Harm” can take a lot of different forms, as every non-native species interacts differently with the ecosystem they were introduced to.

Aside from various potential impacts to human economic activity, most forms of ecological harm by introduced species involve the decline of native species, by a variety of mechanisms; invaders might eat natives, outcompete them for food, interbreed with them, carry novel pathogens, etc. Invasive species are primarily a threat to biodiversity.

Now, here’s my Hot Take:

The Conjunction of Spheres is analogous to real-life ecological cataclysms such as the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, and thus monsters are not invasive species.

The Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event saw the extinction of 75% of all species on Earth after the Chicxulub asteroid hit, including the non-avian dinosaurs. The Earth has had several disasters like this, of varying severity—the Great Oxidation Event killed almost literally everything on Earth except for the cyanobacteria who caused it. These cataclysmic extinction events completely upended existing ecosystems, altering habitats beyond recognition and leaving swathes of niches emptied of life that the survivors could evolve to exploit.

The most recent Conjunction of Spheres on the Continent is supposed to have thrown everyone living on the planet at the time into chaos and darkness; it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that the interpenetration of multiple spheres caused mass extinction of species living in the pre-Conjunction environment, similar to Chicxulub or the GOE!

But Socks, you might say, evolution works on a massive timescale! It took millions of years to fill the niches left open by Chicxulub, but it’s only been 1200 years since the Conjunction of Spheres! And you are absolutely right*, but the Conjunction of Spheres canonically came pre-loaded with new species. We actually have no proof that any of the animals we see originated on the Continent: if humans are a post-Conjunction phenomenon, why not also dogs? Why not bears? Who’s to say any of those were actually there before-hand? (The elves, I guess, but as they have not, actually, said so, there’s no proof!!)

* FTR, 1200 years is a shockingly short period of time to go from cataclysm that plunged the world into darkness and chaos to functioning medieval-era society considering how long it actually took humanity to build 13 century Europe (horses had been domesticated for at least 3000 years by that time), even if we’re not assuming that most of the ecosystem was destroyed, so, my timeline concerns here are minimal, lmfao. TIMELINE WHAT TIMELINE.

…and actually now that I think about it the three options for the origin of dogs are a) elves or dwarves domesticated them, b) humans brought dogs with them during the Conjunction, or c) dogs have existed for less than 1200 years, and I refuse to accept that dogs are practically a new invention in the witcherverse, wtf.

Anyways: we really have no idea which species are truly “native” to the Continent, or what the physical environment was like prior to the Conjunction. While monsters are not native to the Continent, monsters are also not invasive—there cannot be decline of pre-Conjunction biodiversity or harm to the pre-Conjunction ecosystem because there is no pre-Conjunction ecosystem anymore.

should monsters be hunted to extinction?

So, the thing is, I think we should try to eradicate invasive species from non-native ranges if we can; the biggest problem with that is feasibility, not morality. It’s much more difficult than one might think to eradicate an invasive species once it’s established, and we have to be very careful that the methods we choose don’t have other impacts, but invasive species are a huge threat to the biodiversity of Earth! If monsters are invasive species, then the answer is yes, they should be eradicated from the places they are not native to.

(Notably, on Earth this kind of eradication is not the same thing as extinction; it would be a local extinction, or extirpation, where the species is totally wiped out in the places it invaded but still exists in its native range. This does get way more complicated if the invasive is already extinct in its native range.)

However, I have just outlined a possibility that would make it plausible for monsters not to be invasive species. Let me also outline why I prefer this interpretation. Here is a book conversation between the sorcerer Dorregaray of Vole and Geralt:

“Our world is in equilibrium. The annihilation, the killing, of any creatures that inhabit this world upsets that equilibrium. And a lack of equilibrium brings closer extinction; extinction and the end of the world as we know it. … Every species has its own natural enemies, every one is the natural enemy of other species. That also includes humans. The extermination of the natural enemies of humans, which you dedicate yourself to, and which one can begin to observe, threatens the degeneration of the race.”

“Do you know what, sorcerer?” Geralt said, annoyed. “One day, take yourself to a mother whose child has been devoured by a basilisk, and tell her she ought to be glad, because thanks to that the human race has escaped degeneration. See what she says to you.”

–The Bounds of Reason, ch. 6

This is a, uh, incredibly unsubtle reference to a debate that has been ongoing for decades; Geralt’s stance here is one of the key arguments in opposition to wolf and bear reintroduction. What do we do about large predators that may pose a threat to humans? How do we balance preservation of the ecosystem with the safety of people who have to coexist with these predators?

I can’t fully agree with Geralt, because large predators are integral to the ecosystem, which I value for its own sake and because humans depend on healthy ecosystems. But I can’t fully agree with Dorregaray either, because Geralt is right: human life is valuable and worthy of protecting. This is an issue that India has been running into in the past ten years; as their tiger conservation efforts yield fruit, people become more likely to encounter tigers, and thus more likely to have a bad encounter with a tiger. It’s become a political struggle as rural people who have to actually live with the possibility of a tiger attack come into conflict with urban conservationists who just really want to preserve tigers (& in some incidents, some of those conservationists have been Western, which is a whole additional level of fuckery). The fact is, there isn’t a good answer to this yet! We certainly should not drive tigers, wolves, or any other large predator to extinction, but we also have to figure out a way to keep people safe. It’s something humanity still has to wrestle with.

Under this framing, which CDPR reinforced when they chose to have the Count di Salvaress defend Iocaste as an endangered species while making significant provisions to minimize the damage she could do to human life, there’s far too much baggage attached for me to say yes, monsters should be hunted into extinction. If you’re going to make monsters analogous to wolves, of course I do not think we should get rid of monsters entirely!

And frankly, Geralt doesn’t think so either, despite his hardline stance about monsters that eat humans. Sapkowski isn’t exactly an anti-conservationist; though Dorregaray is shown as out of touch in this passage, at another point the narrative sides with him calling Philippa out on exterminating a species of ermine for her fur collar, and it’s consistently put forth that Geralt’s best quality is that he doesn’t want to perform violence for the sake of it or destroy things without cause, and one of the representations of that is that he refuses to kill endangered species even at cost to himself:

“What should I say about you, who rejects a lucrative proposition every other day? You won’t kill hirikkas, because they’re an endangered species, or mecopterans, because they’re harmless, or night spirits, because they’re sweet, or dragons, because your code forbids it.”

–Eternal Flame, ch. 2

If monsters and other post-Conjunction creatures are invasive species, the nuance in this conversation is flattened, and Geralt’s refusal to kill mecopterans and hirikkas becomes a flaw rather than a virtue. Boring! I also think that one of the strongest themes in the witcherverse is the idea of all monsters being human ills; wraiths are manifestations of hatred, necrophages multiply because of human bloodshed, cursed ones are created out of malice, mages like Alzur and Idarran of Ulivo go out of their way to straight-up create monsters from scratch*, etc. Iocaste attacks humans and takes livestock because the traditional prey of the silver basilisk, roe deer, has been extirpated by human destruction of their habitat. The aeschna in Blood of Elves attacks humans because humans have altered and polluted the flow of the Pontar, hunting the aeschna’s previous food (seals) to extinction. The true monster is the actions of humans. Monsters that appeared unbidden from another dimension into a previously functional ecosystem to invade and cause problems undermines this theme; monsters that are integrated into the ecosystem and subject to the same social and ecological forces as other animals supports it.

* Idarran’s “idr” monsters from Season of Storms absolutely should be eradicated. Did the world not have enough man-eating arthropods, Idarran? Did you really have to mutate horrible new ones and release them in populated areas?? Mages are a scourge, lmfao

Additionally, one of the biggest reasons I felt like I couldn’t actually apply invasion ecology to monsters was that, whether you accept my Conjunction theory as sufficient biological justification for this or not, monsters just don’t really behave like invasive species. It’s hard to explain this because the setting is pretty brief about its ecological details, but aside from the fact that the narrative frames them like just part of the ecosystem of the world, there are never any details like “that type of flower doesn’t exist anymore because giant centipede tunneling destroyed the soil they needed to grow in.” When monsters are the aggressors, their victims are always humans, not the environment or other animals, and again monsters are themselves often treated as victims of human actions.

So I say monsters aren’t invasive species!

Which means that monsters are, regardless of their strange origins, now a part of the Continent’s ecosystem just as much as bears and wolves.

So let’s talk monster ecology.

what do monsters contribute to the ecosystem, if anything?

So, the phrase “contributing to the ecosystem” is actually super loaded, and I want to unpack that before we go anywhere else. Ecosystems are made up of organisms, and organisms interact with and impact ecosystems, but they don’t necessarily contribute to ecosystems! The implication of “contribute” is that it is possible for an organism to not contribute, and it follows from there that some organisms are not useful. This is functionally nonsensical, and also dangerous.

Conservationists talk a lot about “intrinsic value,” which in this context is the idea that we should want to keep species around just because their existence is valuable! Biodiversity is intrinsically valuable. This is important, firstly because I do believe that all species are intrinsically valuable, but also: ecosystems are so enormously complicated that we do not know the full extent of any species or individual organism’s impact, and we can’t predict what the consequences of removing any given species might be. Treating all species as intrinsically valuable is hedging our bets. All organisms affect the ecosystem, because it’s impossible for them not to, and while some species definitely have outsize impact, none of them are “not contributing,” and frankly even if some of them weren’t, it would be the absolute height of human arrogance for us to decide we could tell which ones were useless when we barely even know what most species eat. Mosquitoes are the base of the entire goddamn food chain, and you still get assholes claiming they don’t “contribute anything.” Of course, most people don’t really mean all of these implications when they use the phrase, but I don’t find it useful to talk about what species “contribute,” and avoid using that language if I can!

What I assume you mean by “what do monsters contribute” is a combination of “what roles might monsters play in the ecosystem” and “are monsters actively harmful to the ecosystem, i.e. do they cause loss of biodiversity?”

And this is difficult to answer! As I’ve said, I don’t think monsters are invasive species, and thus don’t harm the ecosystem, though we know that monsters can be harmful to humans. However, when it comes to the role they do play in the ecosystem, there isn’t enough in canon for me to do more than wildly speculate! Also, there are so so many of them, and the role of a hirikka is going to be wildly different from that of a draconid.

Just offhandedly, most of the big predatory monsters can be assumed to fill the same roles as Earth’s big predators, one of the big ones being overpopulation of prey species, which has ramifications throughout the ecosystem. Some of them are canonically ecosystem engineers, or animals that physically alter their environment (think beavers); for instance, shaelmaar and nekker tunneling. Additionally, the big insectoid colonies can’t be relying solely on naturally-occurring caves for their homes; they’ve gotta be constructing some stuff themselves. These tunnels can be repurposed as habitat for other organisms, from giant centipedes to sewant mushrooms. Necrophages, like corpse-eaters in our world, likely limit the spread of diseases from decomposing flesh (and really wouldn’t be as much of an issue if everyone would stop, you know, doing war and mass murder, lmfao). Arachasae use tree trunks and organic plant material to conceal themselves, which is likely contributing to plant reproduction in a few different ways—but the arachasae decorating essay is a different topic that I swear I will finish one day oh my god—

…anyways, feel free to ask about any specific monsters or niches if you’re curious, but if I tried to go into detail with every single potential niche/ecosystem service all of the monsters we know of might fill, we would be here all day!

Let’s talk about a couple specific things you brought up in your second ask.

> theyve probably found a niche in the world by now and can eat anything smaller incl. humans

I mean…maybe! That is, yeah, they’ve definitely settled into niches by now, but feeding is way more complicated and interesting than that.

For instance: orcas can eat basically whatever the fuck they want—orcas are fully capable of bringing down everything from fish to seals to gray whales to great white sharks. But they don’t. In the Pacific Northwest, the resident orca pods almost exclusively eat salmon, while the transient pods largely feed on seals. Orcas are kind of an extreme example, but this is something called resource partitioning and it’s a big part of how animals limit competition with one another and what enables lots of predators to coexist in one place!

We see a big fuck-off dragon thing and we assume that it’ll eat anything it can fit in its mouth, and definitely some predators work like that. But just because an animal is technically capable of eating something and deriving nutrition from it doesn’t mean that it will. Silver basilisks made roe deer the staple of their diet before the destruction of beech forests meant they had to turn to humans—which is a pretty specific dietary restriction when there should be multiple species of deer running around, not to mention everything else a draconid could be killing! And given how many types of draconid there are…I have to assume there’s some kind of resource partitioning going on to prevent them all from conflicting with each other! For instance, if basilisks prefer roe deer, maybe forktails prefer wild goats, while wyverns are mostly kleptoparasitic (stealing other predators’ kills).

And of course, not all monsters eat humans at all; harpies steal from and attack humans, so they’re a dangerous nuisance, but they don’t seem to eat them. And in the books Geralt mentions plenty of monsters which are totally harmless.

So yes, there are lots of things monsters could be eating, but it would strongly depend, and there’s a lot of interesting places one can take monster diets! Netflix decided their strigas only eat specific organs, leaving the rest of the body untouche, & I love that for her. More monsters that need a particular kind of nutrition that leads them to take only specific body parts from some kills!

> because theyve got no natural predators aside from each other and arent hunted by anything but witchers, monsters are just breeding and eating and wldnt that damage the land? or have they made their own like, circle of life or whatever ?

Absolutely—invasive species whose populations rapidly increase once they’re away from their natural predators cause the decline of native species, often by eating natives directly or competing with natives for resources. And in fact, even native species who become overpopulated can seriously damage the ecosystem (see: white-tailed deer in the United States, whose overpopulation has such negative ecological effects that some people argue we should classify them as invasive, even though they have definitely been here this whole time).

However, even if we grant that monsters are invasive, it’s a little more complicated than that for a few reasons!

Despite the apparent preponderance of them in the witcher games, most monsters are supposed to be strongly on the decline, like witchers themselves. Geralt’s profession is falling out of necessity; human development of the Continent is going to be the biggest suppressing factor in monster populations in the future. Monster overpopulation is just canonically not a problem in this universe! But even in the scenario where the Inevitable March Of Civilization isn’t threatening monster populations, there are a lot of factors that could and would limit monster populations.

(TL;DR for this next part: yeah I definitely think they’ve figured out their own little circle of life—the term you’re looking for is ecosystem equilibrium, btw!—& I’m going to take the next 1.2k to talk about how.)

For starters, predation is only one among many limiting factors that affect populations & prevent them from ballooning out of control:

food availability: If there’s not enough food, there’s not enough food! It also matters how adaptable the animal’s diet is—silver basilisks moved from deer to humans, but if the eucalyptus went extinct koalas would not switch to eating cycads.

illness and parasites: Some people argue these are more important than direct predation for limiting populations, and I am often inclined to agree. Basically, if a population becomes very dense, illness and parasites spread more quickly, creating a natural limiter on how many animals can live in any one place. The greater susceptibility of some individuals to illness or parasites also winnows down populations. Non-native species often escape a good portion of their native diseases by moving to a new range—however, given how fast bacteria and viruses evolve, 1,200 years is a pretty decent amount of time for new diseases to arise. Also, just going to drop a link to my treatise on monster parasites here. It’s gross, mind the warning at the start of the post.

mate availability: If only a certain percentage of the population is actually able to reproduce, that’ll eventually bring the total number down. RIP Iocaste’s boyfriend 😔

territory/shelter availability: Animals need a certain amount of space and certain types of spaces to survive, and space isn’t infinite! It again depends on how adaptable an animal is; rats find ways to thrive nearly everywhere, but pandas can only live where there’s bamboo. If there’s not enough space to hide from predators, reproduce safely, store food, and avoid adverse weather, the population again limits itself naturally.

natural disasters: Wildfires, drought, flooding, tsunamis, storms, etc. pick off significant portions of wildlife populations. Disasters are sporadic rather than directly linked to population like most of the other factors but these periodic blows to population and the other impacts of fire or flooding are often integral to the ecosystem (see especially: fire regimes and fire ecology.)

Now let’s talk predation & monsters! (Genuinely, I think predation is one of the most interesting things in ecology; people tend to simplify it down to things eat other things, which—yeah, but there’s so much more going on there!)

First, I wouldn’t underestimate the effects of monsters eating other monsters! Even if it’s rare for a draconid to snatch up a nekker and carry it off, the threat of a draconid doing so can have dramatic impacts; researchers found that just playing the sound of dog barks on a beach stopped raccoons from foraging for crabs for over a month after the barking stopped, leading to an increase in crab populations, even though no raccoons ever encountered a dog. This is called the ecosystem of fear (which as a term is metal as hell) and it theorizes that just the fear of predators can lead to chronic stress for prey animals, decreasing reproduction and making them more susceptible to disease. Maybe draconids in Toussaint eat only a few dozen nekkers a year, but that might cause thousands of nekkers to have fewer offspring or fall to disease. When it comes to ecosystems the direct effect is usually only a small part of the story!

Second, when we talk about a species not having natural predators, we’re usually talking about an animal that would have a predator back in its home range—lionfish, for instance, have plenty of predators in their natural range (the Indo-Pacific), but no natural predators in their invasive range (the Caribbean), so invasive lionfish, suddenly freed of a limiting factor, can run amok. However, a great white shark has, aside from orcas (who do not actually eat white sharks, they’re just assholes sometimes) and occasionally other white sharks, more or less no natural predators anywhere once it reaches maturity, and that’s fine! Lack of predation of great white sharks did not cause their populations to explode and consume the ocean. White sharks are limited by other factors.

So: it is possible that wherever draconids originated (and it’s entirely possible that “draconids” came from multiple different places, tbh) there was something bigger that preyed on them, but it’s not unreasonable to assume they were also apex predators in their previous dimension (I mean…look at them), and that adult draconids were never really preyed on by anything else! It isn’t necessarily an issue for there not to be predators of certain monsters on the Continent.

(Though, of course, we also shouldn’t forget that most apex predators are prey when they’re young—baby white sharks are snack-sized for a lot of fishes, and bear cubs and wolf pups are similarly vulnerable. Based on the size of the eggs you see in TW3 draconid nests, a basilisk is hatched around the size of a little dog, which is the perfect size for small, ballsy predators such as wolverines to sneak into a nest and snap them up—predators such as more wolverines or raptors like eagles and hawks might also come directly for the eggs.)

When it comes to smaller monsters such as nekkers, who likely weren’t apex predators in their original dimensions and would thus be subject to that lack of natural predators—there are usually specific reasons why prey species manage to avoid predation in their introduced range. Lionfish confound Caribbean predators because lionfish are covered with huge poisonous spines that Caribbean predators don’t know how to deal with.

Drowners, on the other hand, are basically just man-shaped fish; they don’t have any adaptations or defenses that would really stump a bear or a wolf. Again, bigger monsters are still probably checking the populations of smaller monsters no matter what, but there’s really no reason a bear couldn’t figure out how to eat a drowner! Unless a monster has a unique defense (e.g. scurver spines), is actively distasteful to eat (rotfiends, probably), or is just difficult to take down (nekkers in packs), most of the non-monster predators* on the Continent will have incorporated various monsters into their diet by now, or suppressed monster populations indirectly with the threat of predation or by competing with them for food. It has been over a thousand years, which is nothing evolutionarily but is still a decent period of time for mammals, who pass hunting techniques down to their babies, to figure out how to eat ghouls—especially if we’re considering that the Continent’s mammals may also be a result of the Conjunction and would thus have to have been just as adaptable as the monsters to establish themselves. And I’ve also actually talked before about how wolves specifically might be preying on necrophages!

* For reference, the non-monster predators are, considering the Continent is more or less Europe, most likely lynxes, brown bears/polar bears (in Skellige), wolverines, foxes, badgers, and a variety of large birds of prey.

So—yes, if monsters were truly overpopulating, then that would damage the ecosystem. However, canon tells us they are definitely not doing that, and there are also many factors that would prevent that from happening!

(Though I will say that some of the reasons white-tailed deer are overpopulated are that we got rid of cougars and wolves and human development creates a lot of extra habitat of the type that deer like. Given that we know many of draconids are for sure in significant danger of going extinct, and the trajectory that Europe’s wolf and bear populations followed in real life, it is possible that the Continent will have to contend with an overpopulation of some of the smaller monsters at some point as they continue to try to eradicate the larger predators, both monster and non-monsters—you think the drowner problem is bad now, wait until the bears are gone and city development has tripled the number of sewers. Yet another of those humans-make-monster-problems-worse things I am fond of in the Witcherverse!)

…whew. that was a lot of words. In conclusion: ecology is really cool & there’s a bunch of ways monsters can fit into it!!

[hopeymchope]

Godzilla Singular Point

I came into Singular Point with some trepidation because Godzilla’s history in anime is both very recent and extremely bad. The three anime movies released between 2017 and 2019 are easily the worst work of famed writer Gen Urobuchi and honestly contain more bullshit than I can even get into here. Those movies and this series were both Godzilla anime properties commissioned by Netflix, which didn’t get my hopes up very much. Thankfully, Singular Point is a very different beast from the anime trilogy. One could argue it’s very different from most Godzilla media, actually — at least from my perspective. And I’m still a pretty entry-level fan of Toho’s Big G, all things considered.

Let me just warn you right up front: This smartphone-based virtual assistant is basically the breakout star of the series. 

When you think “Godzilla,” you probably don’t think “incredibly dense sci-fi concepts,” but with the big G’s first-ever anime series, the writers clearly set out to change that perception. Before the first kaiju even appears, the lead characters are plucked from obscurity and dropped into a mystery that involves fourth-dimensional time travel, physical objects that look different from all sides, theoretical math concepts, self-propagating A.I., and a whole lot more. And it’s NEVER made clear how all of it connects to the rampaging kaiju! Although we spend a lot of time investigating a red dust or sand that is very obviously tied to the monsters in SOME way, no one ever makes a connection that explains the relationship. Maybe we’re supposed to wait for a later season to connect the threads... but let’s get into the idea of “another season” later.

I like to think of myself as someone who typically enjoys hard sci-fi, but even with the characters spending loads of time trying to explain the high concepts driving the story, I was never able to fully wrap my head around what was going on in the mystery at the center of GSP. I rewound and rewatched a few explanations, but I still walked away feeling lost. I eventually settled on some vague, loose understandings of most of the ideas mentioned, but those understandings were subject to being ripped apart in subsequent scenes when I was shown or told something completely at odds with what I thought I knew. I can’t say I was ever bored with the thick, dense scientific concepts on offer — trying to find purchase with these far-out ideas kept me glued to the screen — but damn, I sure wish I was able to comprehend them.

What do we want?! DENSE SCIENTIFIC DISCUSSION AND DEBATE! When do we want it?! AFTER THOROUGH RESEARCH, TESTING, AND PEER REVIEW!

Another weird thing about this show is that the lead characters remain in separate locations and on separate tracks for the entire duration. We have Yun — a mechanical engineer and programmer who has an amazing grasp on physics and human behavior. And we have Mei — a grad student who is deeply invested in theoretical science, UMAs, cryptids and other far-flung concepts. Both of them are basically geniuses in their fields, and even though they take opposing views of just how flexible reality is, their shared ability to think “outside the box” becomes the crucial component in solving the mystery at the core of the series. Because they don’t even know one another (despite being separated by like, ONE degree), they only ever interact via text messages and behind screen names, which feels pretty damn weird. At least  I immediately liked both of them, with Yun being the standout to me because of how his lowkey reactions to crazy shit generates a lot of humor.

This soundtrack cover LIES; you will never see these characters in a room together like this. 

Alas, we don’t get to know the characters a whole lot beyond what we learned of them in the first two episodes. It’s not long before they’re trapped in a series of complicated exposition dumps, endlessly attempting to explain the high concepts of the show to other characters as well as my dumb ass in the audience. The fact that I liked them in the first couple of episodes carried me through more than half of the show, but I was always hoping to see them share more of themselves or just display more emotion. Anime as a medium excels at emotional storytelling. But despite the major, world-altering events the characters are constantly warning us about, none of them seem to have many emotions about said events. 

Further complicating matters is how, when major events finally occur in this show, they are often kept off-screen. One character shockingly dies, but the portrayal of that death is so piss-poor that I didn’t even realize it’d happened until someone mentioned their death in the next episode. After that vague death, I was particularly sensitive to anything that looked like it might possibly be lethal. Yet a later event that is played up as a tragic, fatal occurrence ends up... fine, somehow? It’s not clear how the character survives, because — even after one of our heroes is left screaming their name in despair as they seemingly die — nobody ever talks about or explains how he’s just fine a couple of scenes later. And near the end of the series, there’s a major transformation that occurs for one of the characters, and we never see it happen nor do we understand HOW it happened. It’s just that suddenly, this character is extremely different due to off-screen reasons that are only vaguely verbalized.

I guess these two really bonded at some point for some reason? And what you are seeing here is literally the height of emotion shown in the entire show.

Even though the overarching story of the series so far pretty clearly wraps up in episode 13, we then get a post-credits tease for a potential second season. So the question becomes: Would I watch that?

Well... Godzilla Singular Point is a series with a lot of issues that kept me at arms’ length from it — tons of extremely confusing dialogue, highly frustrating choices in direction that lead to baffling storytelling, characters who are mostly exposition-dumping — and yet there’s still some foundational work here that I appreciated a lot. When the action occurs, it’s pretty cool/fun. And when urban destruction occurs, it can be awe-inspiring. The human characters, though little-explored, have likable and interesting foundations to them that could be expanded upon. And I didn’t even mention the soundtrack, which features a variety of musical styles combined with the classic Ifukube theme music and an OP that is an absolute banger. (I have a weakness when it comes to music; a good soundtrack can carry me through even the blandest series sometimes.) Even the core idea of centering a Godzilla series around hard science and mathematical concepts is a compelling one, I think! I just hated the execution of it; they went waaaaay too far on poorly explaining incredibly complex, mind-bending concepts for my pea brain to handle it. They spend so much time trying to explain things, yet somehow they never succeeded for me. 

Ultimately, I’d probably give the show another chance. But if I do give another season a chance, it’ll be on probation. I wouldn’t watch the entire season unless I could see within four episodes that they’d definitely improved things.

Would I recommend that anyone watch the series as it currently stands? I mean... not really? I guess if you really dig complex math, hard theoretical science, and/or Toho’s stable of monsters, then maaaaaaaaaaybe give it a shot. But otherwise? Naaaahh. It’s not good enough at anything to make it stand out from the anime crowd. I didn’t hate it like I hated the Godzilla anime films, but Singular Point is still something that both casual viewers and most fans can comfortably ignore for the time being. It’s not a complete disaster, and it’s not without its highlights... but it’s definitely disappointing in my opinion.

OKAYOKAYOKAY, so let’s talk about the kaiju for a bit! 

Below will be SPOILERS revealing all of the kaiju that appear in Godzilla Singular Point and giving my feelings on them. 

Godzilla — It’s interesting to see a version of Godzilla that borrows some ideas from Shin Godzilla. Shin G has been incredibly unique until now, but this Godzilla manages to fold some of Shin’s distinctive aspects in with the more classic/typical versions to build a fun new depiction. Be forewarned that Godzilla doesn’t show up until the series is halfway over, and he doesn’t get a ton of screen time, either. He’s used quite sparingly and kept in hazy settings, often framed from the neck-up when they show him. It’s a little frustrating that they felt the need to shroud him so much, but I respect the fact that whenever Godzilla is shown, the destruction he causes is on a scale far beyond anything that the rest of the kaiju ever do. He is pure devastation. 

Rodan — He’s easily the biological kaiju with the most screen time in Singular Point. Rodan is first introduced as one gigantic pterosaur, but if you’ve seen ANY trailers for this show then you already know that his depiction transitions into an asston of smaller pterosaurs, all of whom are also called “Rodan.” (Apparently the word Rodan is both singular and plural, like the word “buffalo.”) Although he looks kind of cool at first, pretty soon Rodan showing up isn’t special or threatening anymore. Rodan appearances go from “a big goddamn deal” to “some bland background noise” before the series is even 1/3 finished. The design might be a little too far removed from the original for my own taste, but even if I didn’t think that, I wouldn’t be able to care for this Rodan simply because he’s rendered so unimportant and unimpressive.

If you go out in the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise... 

Anguirus — Now check this guy out! Anguirus gets one of the coolest fights in the show and also demonstrates some powers that are well beyond anything we’ve seen him do before. Because he sticks to unpopulated areas, we never see him do much damage to Japan, but he is definitely holding all the attention when he’s on-screen. He’s a highlight for me — a total badass who is very unique in his abilities. And the stated origin for his name is goddamn adorable.

Manda — Yup, Manda is in this series... but I don’t have much to say for him. It seems like the creators of the anime didn’t have much to say about him either. His role amounts to little more than a repeated cameo, and in most of those cameos you only ever see his tail. When we finally see his full body, it’s done so briefly and kept at a distance, leaving me with no real impression. I had to look up his design online and... yup, that sure looks like Manda. Final score: MEEEEHH.

Kumonga — I definitely did not see this appearance coming! Kumonga is much smaller here than you may be used to, but she gets to star in the most suspenseful sequence in the series and easily earns the most exciting cliffhanger moment at the end of an episode. I was utterly glued to the show during her screen time, which comes with a lot of icky twists. Good ones! I honestly like Kumonga here more than I ever have previously.

NEW PHONE WHO DIS

Salunga — Uh, who? This is the one monster that isn’t based on a classic Toho kaiju but instead is a brand-new creation. I suppose that everybody who touches the Toho Kaiju franchise wants to make their own mark on it in some regard. But a big part of the fun of this series for me personally was the anticipation of seeing new interpretations and designs of classic Toho monsters. And so, given that he kind of resembles both Baragon and Gabara, I never stopped wishing they’d just used one of those guys as the basis and namesake. Taken on his own, however? He’s... pretty neat. Not unique or exciting, but solidly above par.  He resembles a cross between a lizard/dinosaur and an ape, plus his head has some nifty coloration. 

Our Jaguar!

Jet Jaguar — I guess Jet Jaguar isn’t exactly a kaiju in the traditional sense because he’s a Giant Robot. However, if you want to consider him one, then I wager he probably gets even more screen time than Rodan! We meet him almost immediately when the series begins. Initially an odd pilot-driven robot that was constructed at the whim of a quirky old factory-owner with too much disposable income, Jet Jaguar grows and changes over the course of the show, ultimately undergoing a transition in episode 7 that makes him pretty damn impossible to dislike. In fact, I utterly adored him by then. This is definitely the best Jet Jaguar I’ve ever seen. His design is recognizably similar to the original yet utterly distinct, too. Like many of the other kaiju here, he’s not nearly as big as he was when he was first introduced to the movies, but his size is ideal for battling the smaller-scale monsters that we spend most of the series on.

[thegracelessfaceless]

Hey, I hope you‘re doing good!

If you‘re okay with it, I‘d like to ask for a creepypasta matchup please!

Physical stuff:

I‘m around 5‘7 with a rather athletic build and I‘m definitely working on having defined muscles, even though some people look at me weird for that, since I‘m a girl. I have dark blonde hair at around shoulder length and am rather pale. I get a lot of compliments about my eyes, which are light-brown and have very long and dark eyelashes. Most people even assume they’re fake at first glance.

I tend to wear whatever style fits my mood, but I have a special love for business clothing. But I also really like being comfortable, so I also have a lot of leggings and oversized hoodies. I pretty much always wear some kind of necklace and earrings though, no matter which clothes I have on.

General stuff:

About the MBTI - I always either get ENTJ or ENFJ. I‘m a Gemini sun with a Scorpio moon and Sagittarius rising, which are constantly at war.

I‘m also Demi-pansexual, but have a preference in men.

Hobbies:

- Reading, writing, drawing

- Climbing, Karate, going to the gym, yoga

- learning new languages

- learnings about politics, economics, philosophy and science (AI, biology, physics and I‘ll just count learning hacking into here as well)

- cooking and baking

Likes:

Nature, forests and mountains especially, animals (I own a cat), adventures big and small, going for long walks in the early morning, play-fights, talking to/ getting to know strangers, discussing politics and philosophy, tidy rooms, tea, coffee and hot chocolate, learning new things

Dislikes:

People who don’t care about logic and studies and can’t admit that they‘re wrong, boredom, people with no passions/interests whatsoever, people who hate risks and take themselves too seriously

Values:

1. FREEDOM. I won’t ever let anyone take that away from me. I can’t stand making myself dependent on someone - or someone making themselves dependent on me. Freedom does not mean coldness or distantness however, just that you trust your partner. Jealousy is a big no-no in the longterm.

2. Love. Most people just want to be understood and to be seen. I want people to be able to be whoever they want to be with me. I walk towards people having in mind that I like them and they can work their up or down from there. But even if I don’t end up liking them, I‘d still help them if they need it. Because, after all, I just love making peoples day a little better.

3. Success. If I want to reach a goal, I‘ll do everything necessary to do so. That doesn’t mean though that if I realize this goal was a mistake that I still wouldn’t stop and just keep on going the wrong way - that wouldn’t be true success. True success for me requires following my moral compass and reflecting my choices a lot.

Other:

- I love to daydream and coming up with short stories

- can and will send you pictures of cute animals I‘ve drawn with sentences like „lil‘ cat is coming to make your day a lil‘ better!“

- I have synesthesia: I can visually see my emotions as colors

- Because of some very bad trauma, I‘m scared of being touched in a even remotely intimate/sexual way. I need a lot of time and trust until I can enjoy even just hugging someone. This trauma is also why I wouldn’t ever want to get pregnant. It would the worst thing for me.

- I have some issues with anorexia sometimes, as well as with depression. This depression can make me have hallucinations and sometimes be very very aggressive. It’s extremely unusual for me to lose control though

- I have a ton of stuffed animals that I let only very few people touch. Most of them were gifted to me by people who were very important to me and died during my childhood. So stuffed animals are basically one of the biggest gifts to me

- the Love Language I speak is probably a mixture of quality time, acts of service and words of affirmation. But the ones I understand are quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch. I really like taking care of my own business myself the most

I match you with...

Tim Wright/ Masky

I feel like Tim can be a very patient man, and let's face it, both him and Masky have trust problems. So I feel like you would both take your time getting to know each other.

I also feel like Tim is a good match for you because he values your independent streak. Neither Tim or Masky need a girl that can't take care of themselves. He likes how hard you work towards goals and how driven you are.

I headcanon that Tim is a kind of "jack of all trades" guy, not just in physical work, but conversationally too. He'll keep you engaged in great conversation for hours, no matter the subject. He's also pretty good at reigning you back in when you get too riled up.

Tim's love languages are like yours, quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service, but Masky is more tuned into physical touch. He can have entire conversations with you with just a few touches

Tim understands depression, given his mental health history and he cares, but he won't let you wallow in it. This is where he and Masky agree, sometimes, tough love is needed.

Tim met you outside of the library and he just had to shoot his shot. He's not sure if you were just being nice at first or picked up on his nervous energy, but you gave him a chance. The two of you stayed in the friend zone for a long time, not rushing anything.

When you met Masky, and then realized Tim wasn't aware of Masky, you decided to start working to bring them together, so they could function as a cohesive unit.

This is going... As well as can be expected.

So sometimes, it really is like you're dating two different people.

Both like to teach you new things. Tim taught you how to figure out more complex ciphers, and Masky likes to take you to the shooting range and play fight with you.

Every time either see you do something they taught you, the aura of "proud papa" comes over them.

When you finally are ready to have sex, you actually had to experience two first times, your first time with Tim and your first time with Masky (🚫Anon I saw your post on @whaleofatjme1920 's chat today, thanks for the headcanon idea!)

Masky has made it clear, no matter who it is, that you are off limits to all the other creeps. This goes to everyone from The Rake to Zalgo, to his own boss.

You won't be anyone's pawn

[the-busy-ghost]

Could you tell us about something really wacky that happened between 1060-1570? Like, a bizarre land dispute or political incident?

Hi! Thank you for asking, and I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to respond. I’ve really been agonising over what the best story was to tell but in the end I’m afraid I had to just pick one I liked rather than one that was objectively the Wackiest.

Although I have to admit that this is quite a wide remit. Since everything comes down to land in the end, there are lots of disputes that could perhaps fit the bill- hell, even the entire history of Anglo-Scottish relations could be considered one huge bizarre dispute (there are even stretches along the border called the ‘Debatable Land’ because nobody could agree on who owned it, and the families who lived there often decided which country they were stealing from depending on who was in the ascendancy at the time). Then there’s just the shenanigans of the royal house for example (not least James III and his siblings, who were particularly Extra).

And yet despite this my mind goes absolutely blank when people ask me. I really wanted to give you several examples but it took me hundreds of words to type up one, so I’m afraid that will have to do for now. These cases can also get very violent so I didn’t want to pick one that was too obviously bloody, since that’s not always so entertaining. Indeed, personally, I prefer the little petty things that people did in the past that are lightly amusing, like one sixteenth century Scotswoman who allegedly tried to take back her consent to a contract by pulling her mark off the parchment with her thumb and then eating it, presumably to the horror of some poor notary; or the fact that several fourteenth century Douglases had really bad-ass nicknames like ‘the Grim’ but there was also one poor guy who is known as Hugh the Dull.

The best #Wacky disputes are often to do with control over church property- as in the case of the Earl of Cassilis allegedly ‘roasting’ the commendator of Crossraguel (although tbh the Kennedys were a very Extra family in general and there’s lots of weird stories about them)- or naval law (anything the Bartons got up to, including, but not limited to, sending James IV a barrel of Flemish heads and nicking a ship the king had given his uncle the king of Denmark, or perhaps smuggling cases like that of the Edward Bonaventure), or even just your usual Deranged Noblemen like the Wolf of Badenoch or perhaps Alexander Irvine of Drum (who among other things, mutilated his chaplain and is alleged to have yeeted Fraser of Philorth off the Brig of Balgownie). So there’s lots to choose from but I wanted to pick one with a comparatively low body count, and also I personally find this one interesting- though I apologise in advance if it doesn’t meet your mark, and feel free to ask about the others if not.

Anyway.

Perthshire, 1527- Teenage nun's brother and his powerful friends attack a priory to secure her position

(View over the Tay from Elcho Castle today. Sadly I don’t have any photos of the fields where the priory would have stood, but this might give some idea of the landscape, where the river bends round through the Carse of Gowrie towards Perth)

It’s somewhat common knowledge that a noble family’s tradition of nominating the heads of monasteries and the position of bishops could be very contentious and valuable, but even though they’re discussed less often it’s worth noting that influence over the nomination of the heads of nunneries could also be deeply important to the secular nobility. Even though they were theoretically even less involved in ‘worldly affairs’ than monasteries, that did not prevent certain nuns from being heavily involved in some political and social issues, like Isabella Hoppringle, prioress of Coldstream, who seems to have acted as a spy and informant on the borders. The position of abbess or prioress at a nunnery could be perceived as a sinecure for daughters of a certain family, and some families were willing to go to considerable lengths to secure this influential position for their female relatives. This is what seems to have happened at the Perthshire nunnery of Elcho in 1527, during the unsettled minority of King James V.

In 1526, an eighteen year old nun named Euphemia Leslie had ambitions of becoming prioress of Elcho. However, rather inconveniently for her, Elcho already HAD a prioress- Elizabeth Swinton, who had purchased the office of prioress from one Margaret Swinton back in 1511 (the Swintons were a Berwickshire family- at first glance one might have expected the women of the family to enter another south-east nunnery like Coldstream or North Berwick but women’s religious foundations in Scotland were often small, and they may have had to enter the Perthshire nunnery due to lack of vacancies in Berwickshire). Undeterred, Euphemia did not let this stop her and she began litigation against Elizabeth Swinton, claiming the office of prioress. Elizabeth, whose purchase of the office had been approved by the late Alexander Stewart, Archbishop of St Andrews, stuck to her guns and decided to take the case to pope. However in an unexpected twist, the papacy denied her claim, compelling her to resign the office in return for a pension and granting the title of prioress to the young Euphemia Leslie.

Elizabeth Swinton did not give in easily. She raised multiple objections to her opponent’s candidacy- that Euphemia Leslie was too young, that she was illegitimate (the daughter of a priest at that), that her parents had been related in the forbidden degrees, that she had obtained the office of prioress unlawfully, and so on. She did resign the office on several occasions and this was documented, but she then seems to have changed her mind again (or rescinded this whenever she was free to do so) and continued to act as if she were prioress in some capacity, making several appeals against the judgement in favour of Euphemia. It seems that her rival had powerful backers and on one particular occasion, she was threatened with physical violence. Some time in 1527, John Stewart, earl of Atholl* and his uncle Andrew, the bishop of Caithness, arrived at Elcho with eighty armed men, broke into the nunnery and confined Elizabeth Swinton to a chamber. There, Euphemia Leslie’s brother Robert, who was an advocate, oversaw Elizabeth’s forced resignation “for fear of her life” and compelled her to constitute procurators at Rome who would formally resign the office of prioress in favour of his sister.

As soon as she was free to do so, Elizabeth Swinton immediately appealed to Rome again and also brought a complaint about Atholl and his companions before the king’s council (though the latter decided that so far as they were concerned, Euphemia Leslie’s claim looked legitimate enough). She continued to supplicate against Leslie until at least 1529, but from 1532 at least Leslie was exercising the office of prioress without opposition. It is difficult to decide who actually had the ‘right’ to the office. We have to rely on individual testimonies for certain events, not least Elizabeth’s testimony regarding the attack on Elcho. (That being said, regardless of who had the right, personally I think that if you are a bishop who finds himself attacking a nunnery with a small army and imprisoning the prioress on behalf of a teenager, you probably need to take a good look at your life choices.) There is also some evidence that Elizabeth Swinton was not an entirely competent prioress. In the end it’s a rather interesting example of conflict over the office of prioress that got a bit more out of hand than usual, and it’s much more complex than my summary. But it’s a good reminder that even women sworn to god were sometimes subject to similar rivalries and ambitions as their secular kinsmen and women.

(Elcho priory no longer exists, but here’s a picture of the lovely castle a few fields away that occupied the lands after the Reformation)

[Sources- a full run-down of this conflict is given in K. Perkins’ chapter “Death, Removal and Resignation: The Succession to the Office of Prioress in Late Medieval Scotland” in the book “Twisted Sisters: Women, Crime, and Deviance in Scotland Since 1400″. However a short summary is also available under Euphemia Leslie’s name here and an account of Elizabeth Swinton’s complaint to the lords of council regarding the attack on Elcho can be found here]

* It is interesting to note that John Stewart, 3rd Earl of Atholl’s mother was also involved in an Interesting case regarding invasion of church property after her son’s death. During another unsettled royal minority, Janet Campbell, dowager Countess of Atholl, was ‘tutrix’ (like a regent but for noble estates and children) to her young grandson, the 4th earl. In November 1543, the Bishop of Dunkeld complained before the lords of council that Janet, accompanied by Lord Methven (Margaret Tudor’s widower) and a great many others had fortified Cluny with artillery and men and laid siege to the cathedral and bishop’s palace of Dunkeld. The accused protested that they had been acting for the good of the country, as the places of Dunkeld were so defenceless that it was only a matter of time before criminals attacked them, and Janet, Countess of Atholl in particular claimed that she had only acted in this manner because she was honour bound to protect the property of the bishop of Dunkeld during her grandson’s minority. The case was settled when Janet, Methven, and the others agreed to have their men quit the bishop’s property on a certain day, after Janet had taken her ‘provision’. [Source- pages 235-6]

[artificialqueens]

The Electra Complex, 1 (Crygi, Jankie, JaidaxNicky) - Scarlet Bloo

A/N: This is my first multi-chapter fic! This first chapter is mostly Gigi-centric, however that will change in future chapters. Big thanks to Hy-Jinkx for beta reading this, it wouldn’t flow as well without you.

Trigger Warning: There are some mentions of underage drinking in this chapter, which I know isn’t always seen to be a big issue, but I just wanted to be on the safe side.

Summary: Gigi Goode has been shipped away to Missouri, where she meets at group full of big personalities and a lot of emotions. This follows 7 girls as they navigate new love, old feelings and past demons.

Wherever Gigi Goode went, a series of admirers would follow; at least, that’s how it always used to be back in LA. You could’ve taken one look at her and come to the conclusion that she was living the dream. She was the cheer captain, her grades were consistently higher than the average student and she had the perfect all-American boyfriend. She was on track to becoming valedictorian and prom queen, had she only stayed on at Arcasio High. Her shoulder length blonde locks were always carefully styled and sculpted, and she wouldn’t be seen without her long, pastel acrylics and coordinating outfits. If you weren’t in Gigi’s small circle of friends, then you idolised them. And if you were? Well, then you’d be vying for Gigi’s position as top dog. Los Angeles Gigi was a trope from a 2000s movie personified, and while she wasn’t particularly happy with her life, the validation from her peers satisfied her. She was worried she wouldn’t be able to say the same about this new Springfield Gigi. She hated change, it just didn’t sit right with her. 

The last drastic change in her life occurred when her dad finally left the picture for good, around 8 months before she was shipped away to live with her cousin, Nicky. Gigi had a rocky relationship with her father from the moment she was old enough to recognise him, and to recognise patterns. He’d be in and out, showering Gigi and her mother with gifts on every return, but with each departure, he would rob Gigi of something possibly more important than Louboutins or countless bottles of Chanel No.5, the scent that had become her signature; he had robbed her of the ability to express her feelings. 

He taught her to keep emotions bottled up and to repress natural feelings, instead nursing wounds with piles of money. Contrary to her relationship with her father, Gigi and her mother were always extremely close, but Gigi knew she’d ruined that. Why else would her mom decide she’d be better suited living with her Aunt and cousin in Springfield of all places?

“Gigi, mon amour!” Nicky exclaimed, running up to her with open arms. The cousins exchanged kisses on either cheek. Nicky pulling Gigi into an embrace. She knew things had been rough, and despite both girls’ tough exterior, they’d always had a special bond. Gigi could remember countless Christmases and Thanksgivings when they were small and spent curled up in a blanket fort watching Barbie movies - Nicky loved The Nutcracker while Gigi first discovered her fixation for tailored jackets while watching Barbie and the Three Musketeers. Nicky’s small house was very sophisticated, decorated and furnished almost entirely in black and white, with interesting marble sculptures bordering the hallway. The two girls walked upstairs to the bedroom they’d be sharing whilst Gigi was in Missouri. 

“So, Gigi,” Nicky started with a sigh. Gigi looked down at her feet, cracking her knuckles to keep her focus off of Nicky and her next words.

“What did you actually… do?” Nicky paused, trying to correctly word what she would say next without sounding overly blunt. She was prone to being slightly too forward, partially due to a slight language barrier (French being her first language), but mostly because it was just the way her mind worked. A simple to-the-point question should logically provide her with a simple to-the-point answer - and Nicky liked it when things went like that. 

“If it’s okay,” the L.A native began in a slightly sour tone, completely ignoring Nicky’s words, “I’d like to have a rest before dinner.”

Nicky was aware of the obvious avoidance, but she decided to let her cousin be for the meantime; her mother hadn’t told her what had happened with Gigi to make her move in with them, but she knew it must’ve been pretty serious. Gigi and her mom, Nicky’s aunt, had a bond she almost envied - she couldn’t think of any reason why she’d willingly send her away. The girl pouted slightly, pondering the severity of the situation for a few moments more, before leaving Gigi to rest and going downstairs to help her mom with food preparation.

Gigi walked into the bar, legs out, flaunting her doll-like figure. She was dressed in a tiny baby pink tennis skirt, and matching crop top. Her mom had shouted at her for “dressing like a pinup,” as she had called it, but Gigi just shrugged it off. She didn’t care what her mom had to say at that moment. She knew she was probably being unfair, that her mom cared about her and only wanted the best, but she needed to blame someone else for everything that went down so she could live with herself. Gigi cocked her head to the side, trying to snatch the attention of the first man to catch her eye. A gruff looking man, probably in his early 50s, his American tan glaringly obvious in the dim lighting, smiled at the 16 year old, biting his bottom lip ever so slightly. She gave him bambi eyes, giggling slightly as she walked towards him. She was nervous, of course she was, but the adrenaline and alcohol pumping through her system aided her greatly in feigning confidence.

“Hey, Candy bear.” he smirked at her, putting his hand on her cheek, “what can I do for you?”

Gigi wanted to shudder, but she managed to maintain her composure, and instead cooed, “I wanna be adored.”

The man slowly nodded, forcefully stealing a kiss from the girl, who submitted, kissing him back. As soon as he pulled away, she ran off, walking as confidently as she could out of the bar. She took a stick of bubblegum out of her bra, hoping it’s minty flavour would remove the lingering smell of liquor from her lips, as she rushed home before her mother awoke.

“Geege?” Nicky stood in front of her cousin, worry evident in her eyes. Gigi had zoned out. She snapped back into real life, “yeah Nics?” She looked towards the vanity where Nicky was seated, adjusting her hair in the large, illuminated mirror. Nicky’s room was barely big enough to fit both girls’ beds, so it was slightly cramped, but it was still very minimalist, very Nicky.

“I was just saying,” Nicky continued, “I should add you to the group chat of my friends and I - it’ll help you meet people before school starts.”

Gigi smiled, she was grateful that Nicky was being so welcoming, despite having to give up her room.

“Go on then, what harm could it do?”

TheNickyDoll added TheGigiGoode

JanJanJan: Ahhh hi !! I’m Jan, nice to meet you!!!!

JaidaEHall: Jan, chile, calm down you’re gonna scare her off

JackieCox: Hi, I’m Jackie.

                    And yeah, Janny, Jaida’s right, calm down baby.

TheGigiGoode: Hey, everyone <3

                           Thanks for letting me join, you guys are the first people I’ve                                      spoken to here other than my family!

HeidiNCloset: Heyy

JanJanJan: I’m sorry y’all I’m just excited !!

Gigi was relieved to find that she hit it off quite well with Nicky’s friends, whose personalities seemed to be so big she could get a good sense of what they were each like through the screen. Jan was very enthusiastic, Gigi noted immediately. She and Heidi both seemed super sweet, but in different ways - Heidi definitely seemed to crack a lot more jokes. Jan bombarded Gigi with questions about L.A, before Jackie pretty much ordered her to get some sleep. Jackie and Jaida were definitely the two most level headed of the group, Jaida seeming to lead group discussions and Jackie undertaking a more protective role. However, when looking through the list of group members, she noticed one more account that hadn’t interacted in the group chat yet. She was about to ask Nicky who Crystal Methyd was, but when she turned to Nicky’s side of the bedroom she found her fast asleep, in a silk set of pyjamas with her hair in rollers. Gigi knew the only way to get answers now was to stalk her instagram. Luckily, she wasn’t private, so Gigi spent the next 30 minutes looking through her feed. Crystal had curly red hair, and dressed very…. eccentrically, Gigi thought. As if by magic, Gigi then got a notification that made her almost jump out of her skin.

CrystalMethyd: Hey everyone! What have I missed? You know how out of the                                 loop I get when I’m painting.

Gigi waited for a couple of seconds before forming a reply, praying one of the other girls would initiate a conversation she could then jump in on. She wanted to talk to this girl, but she didn’t want to do it alone, not when she knew close to nothing about her. Gigi sighed, she’d have to just go for it and respond to the message. That’s how you get anywhere in life, she knew that. 

TheGigiGoode: Hey, idk if Nicky told you, but I’m her cousin. She added me to                               the chat so I could meet you all before school starts up.

CrystalMethyd: She did!

                           I’m Crystal, but you know that from my account of course.

Gigi and Crystal spoke for a while longer, their conversations jumping from favourite food (Gigi liked pasta, Crystal liked pizza, and they were both still obsessed with fruit snacks), to movies Crystal cried over (Marlie and Me. Toy Story, The Notebook, and the list goes on) and ones they both hated. At around 3am, Crystal made the decision to move the conversation to private dms, to avoid spamming her friends as they slept. This new, more intimate setting, and the early hour, seemed to pull feelings on feelings out of the two girls as they began to open up more with each other. If an outsider was to read the messages, they’d never have guessed Gigi hadn’t been aware of Crystal’s existence until just hours earlier. Gigi felt a strange yearning to open up to this girl, who seemed to be so clear about how she felt, but a part of her mind wouldn’t let her even type the words out. Guilt passed through her gut as Crystal explained her worries about her future, how she wanted to be an artist, but her parents weren’t sure whether she’d be able to make a long lasting, stable career out of it. Gigi wished she had half the vulnerability the girl possessed. It sure would make this whole making friends thing a whole lot easier. The light peaking through Nicky’s pitch black blinds startled Gigi, so she said her goodnights to Crystal, who wished her “Sweet dreams, Miss Goode.”

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Some Things are Not Dialectic

So much has happened to me since I last wrote on this blog. To sum it up in a nutshell: I changed therapists (something I have been meaning to do for a while now), I was hospitalised yet again for just a little over a week this time, voluntarily, for recurrent suicidal thoughts, where I was tentatively diagnosed (yet again) with BPD, and the new therapist I started seeing after coming out of the hospital diagnosed me with Asperger’s. I also started a DBT program, which I am now six weeks into. Previous therapists, if you have read any of my other posts, have diagnosed me with Bipolar I, but after only two sessions with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and in the wake of him talking, at length, with my husband about my history, I was informed that I probably have Bipolar II and BPD. My regular psychiatrist disagrees with this and stated that it is probably complex trauma (or C-PTSD) and Bipolar I. I am inclined to trust the diagnosis of the latter more, as I have been seeing her for two years now. And now I also have an Asperger’s diagnosis from my new psychologist. What a mess. After all these upheavals, I feel emotionally at sea.

I also decided to swap medications at the hospital (the Seroquel was not helping my insomnia and was making me gain a bit of weight) and finally gave Lithium, the supposed “gold standard” of Bipolar medication, a chance. And it made me terribly ill. I was so nauseous all the time that after 4 weeks of struggling along, I had to give it up. I even broke out in a rash, but no professionals, not even my GP, wanted to listen to my misgivings, so I just informed them all that I was coming off it. My psychiatrist respected my decision, but wants to put me on something else. I am reluctant, because I have tried all sorts of medication for extended periods of time, and there are always negative side-effects, or they don’t do what is intended. I was told in the hospital by the psychiatrist that Lithium would be ideal for someone like me who has ambitions, wants a career, and doesn’t want to sleep for 20 hours a day, so when I experienced intolerance, I felt so disappointed. I even spent some time blaming myself. I have found my overall experience with taking medications really draining and time-consuming. I feel as if I am trying, and even doing everything I should, but it’s just not paying off. One method that I have tried in the past on my hospital visit before this one was ECT, and I did find that somewhat effective, but the results were not long-lasting enough. And, after reading about the experiences of those who get regular sessions of ECT, I worry about the possible effects it would have on my long-term memory if I was to go down that route. If there were any negative side-effects within this vein, it would be incompatible with the way in which I want to live my life, including my career goals.

While I was in the hospital, I was referred to a centre that specialised in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I have read about DBT previously, and wanted to try it out when I received a previous diagnosis of Borderline “tendencies” in Norway, however, as I lived in a small town, there were no DBT groups available nearby, and so my therapist gave me a booklet to read up on it on my own. I had also previously stumbled upon the therapist that founded DBT (Marsha Linehan) when I was studying my Bachelor of Psychology. She later admitted that she actually had been diagnosed with BPD herself, and so DBT was a hodge-podge of different therapies and western and eastern practices that had worked for her. I thought the refterral would take longer to process than it did, but it was processed more-or-less straight away after I came out of hospital. I attended the three commitment meetings and was successfully offered a place, and, after all that I had heard and read, was excited to begin. But six weeks in, I feel let down. 

Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I think there is a lot of good methods to help tackle negative feelings that DBT offers, but a lot of the skills surrounding self-care are competencies I already possess (and so nothing new). There are also some aspects of DBT that are just not really relevant to me specifically, but that’s alright. If I look at it as more tools I can fill my emotional toolbox with, not everything is going to fit. I enjoy and aim for self-improvement, and this is what attracted me to DBT in the first place. On the other hand, I am an analytical person who enjoys testing concepts and seeing if there are any potential flaws in what I am learning, and the method of delivery of the current program I am in doesn’t seem to leave room or space for that. I am finding aspects of DBT condescending, basic, and invalidating. I don’t feel that my prior knowledge or skills are being acknowledged as strengths I am bringing to the table that I can build upon. It is almost as I, along with the rest of the group, am being treated as if I am clueless, and that the therapists and coaches involved in the DBT group sessions are the autocratic, absolute experts on everything we should be doing and what we are doing “wrong,” something that I feel is quite harsh given that most who suffer from BPD also have C-PTSD, or, conversely, that those with C-PTSD can often be misdiagnosed with BPD. After researching some more, I have found that I am not alone in these misgivings. 

I decided to share some of my criticisms just this morning with my individual coach. We met at a cafe near where I live, after I dropped the kids off at school. Towards the end of the session, she asked me directly if I ever felt she had invalidated me in our individual sessions. I decided to be honest and tell her that I had felt that. I have only just started acknowledging past trauma, some of which occurred years ago, to both myself and my therapists. It’s mostly because I feel that it is time to do so, because the thoughts and feelings were coming up more and more regularly, intrusively and involuntarily, to the point where I feel like I can’t ignore them anymore. Three weeks ago, I disclosed to my coach in an individual session about the trauma and sexual abuse I had experienced via school bullying. I told her that she had laughed briefly after I had told her about a boy who had pinched my bottom in front of the whole grade on a dare when I was was 13, and said I didn’t blame her, maybe she laughed out of surprise, but when I also told her that she had, in the same conversation, told me not to worry about “stupid school” (her exact words), she denied having said that to me at all, and got quite defensive. 

She even said that perhaps I had just “experienced it that way,” and just refused to acknowledge that she had said that at all. I felt so gaslighted,so triggered (my mother tried to gaslight me all the time) and am now unsure whether I will continue with DBT. I left really shaken up, which was tough as I had had a really rough week and had actually woken up in a good mood, and had to then work really hard to turn my thoughts back around again. Upon reflection, I think the coaches are badly trained and unprofessional. This might be what is making the delivery sub-par. Maybe it’s just yet another case of “you get what you pay for.” Now, the question is, do I continue, and just try to focus on implementing the skills, instead of worrying about my obvious personality clash with the therapists and coaches involved? Sigh.

Now, to address the Asperger’s diagnosis: I actually feel it is a good fit. She got in an expert who took me through the diagnostic criteria before giving me the diagnosis, and, for the first time in a long time, I felt validated. I have been doing a lot of reading since receiving my diagnosis, and have found a number of interesting facts about females with Asperger’s, such as they are more likely to be overlooked for diagnosis compared to that of boys, as they do not present with the same symptoms, and are often misdiagnosed with (interestingly) Bipolar, BPD, or even OCD, because it was (until recently) considered a diagnosis exclusively reserved for boys. They are overlooked because they tend to be great social mimics (as females generally are more socialised than men), which masks the symptoms and difficulties females with ASD face. I believe that one of the reasons for my life-long fascination with human behaviour (to the point that I decided to study it), is due to my desire to fit in, when I have always felt different. I have, as my husband has also observed, a number of special interests that I enjoy talking about at length in social settings, and often fail to pick up on the social cues of boredom in the individuals I am talking to. But, that’s alright. It is part of the diagnosis. I am working on it. I might not ever get there, but that is alright too. In my research on the subject, I found a delightful blog from Tania Marshall, as well as her book, entitled “I am Aspien Woman,” which discusses the unique struggles of females with Asperger’s. The blurb to the book states: “Have you ever wondered about a friend, a partner, a mother, sister or daughter? Wondered why she says she feels 'different'? Out of step with her peers, she may struggle keeping friends and a job, yet she has multiple degrees. Bright from early on, she may have singleminded focus, sprinkles of anxiety, sensory and social issues, be gifted in art, writing, science, research or singing. Maybe she is a woman on the Autism spectrum, with a unique constellation of super-abilities, strengths and challenges?” I relate to all of this. I was a precocious reader with an eidetic memory from an early age. I have multiple degrees, and am creative, but struggle in social situations. It’s who I am, and I accept it. When I told my GP, who also closely follows my mental health progress, that my current psychologist has diagnosed me with Asperger’s, she dismissively stated that “everybody is different - we are all on the spectrum” - to which I have to say - what a load of crap. There is different, and there is different. I have always been a person that marches to the beat of her own drum, sometimes to my detriment. But it’s just how I am.

So, what if I don’t have BPD, or Bipolar, but rather “just” Asperger’s? I am high-functioning, so I can understand that it took a long time to identify it, but, on the other hand, it feels as if going through all of the struggles I have been through could have been prevented if only I had had a therapist that was skilled enough to really listen to me, to pick up the signs, and to validate me. I am hoping I have that now with my current psychologist, and am looking forward to working together with her toward a brighter future where I can accept myself and also work on my issues in a safe space.

After years of not sharing my thoughts or being as assertive as I want to be, I have found that recently I have been coming out of my shell in this respect, and those around me aren’t liking it. Apart from the example above, on the day I was leaving the hospital, there were a series of delays concerning my release, that, when they all added up, frustrated me so much, I had to say something. I sometimes think that those in the so-called “caring” professions abuse their power. Whether it’s bad training, an authoritative personality, or other traits that are, in my opinion, not suited to these professions that are the cause, it is a dilemma which is vital to address. Of course, #notalltherapists. But, in my long-standing experience with mental health services, and as a psychology graduate myself, it is enough to cause concern. Too often, patients are discounted because of what’s wrong with them, dismissed because the health professional believes themselves to know better, or put into the “too hard” basket for so-called “difficult” behaviour. But what needs to be acknowledged is that the person that is standing in front of them is there because they are seeking help, and should be looked at as an individual, and not necessarily by the box the therapist wants to fit them into. More duty of care, more empathy, and more acknowledgement, is needed.

[milomeepit]

An Untitled Document (Roman Angst Oneshot)

Ship: Roceit, background Analogical TW: Depression, anxiety, past abuse mention, unhealthy habits, dysphoria mention, brief eating disorder, death mention, bad family past, brief past mention of violence Word Count: 2k AN: ... yep.

Roman groaned as he tapped his fingers against the keyboard of his laptop. The sunlight streaming in through the window left a blinding white glare on the upper half of the screen, but he didn’t quite care enough to be bothered getting up and closing the curtain. He instead angled it down, sinking lower into the wooden dining chair. His back would surely complain later, but a shower would probably fix any aches or pains from the awkward position.

He wondered if he should get up and walk around for a bit, stretch his legs and give himself a break from his (apparently fruitless) efforts to work. But, then again, it seemed wrong to give himself a break when he hadn’t really done anything.

He had eaten breakfast- if cold leftover pizza and too-strong coffee counted as breakfast- and fed his pets. He’d even played with the cats for a while, and that had left a fleeting smile on his face as he sat down at the dining table with another cup of coffee and a bottle of soda to sip at while he worked.

The last dregs of coffee sat untouched in the cup, now cold and cloudy, while the soda was half-gone already. His teeth felt rough and slimy, coated in the absurd amounts of sugar from the unhealthy drink. The document on screen hadn’t changed since he sat down an hour and a half ago, the cursor blinking and taunting him. Sure, he’d written and rewritten and deleted a few hundred words, but nothing he’d written seemed good enough.

Writing was supposed to be his passion, the thing he could still grab and hold close to his chest when things got rough. It was all he had left at this point. He couldn’t dance anymore, not with the weak knees he’d inherited from his mother, and his own growing ankle issues from several years of working on his feet for whole days with no breaks. He couldn’t remember the last time he performed a song or in a play, the foggy memories of hot stage lights and elaborate costumes and giggling, whispered conversations in dressing rooms now leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Drawing and painting was an option, still, but they were never really his, not after the ridicule he’d received through highschool from one particularly sharp-tongued art teacher.

Roman’s stomach growled, and he grimaced, glancing at the clock. Only eleven o’clock. He couldn’t eat until one, at the very least. He couldn’t let himself slip into comfort eating again, not when he still had a generously padded belly, not when flab swung off the bottom of his arms, not when his back fat poked unattractively out of the bottom of his binder, not when-

He shook his head, as if to clear it like one of the Etch A Sketch boards his nephew loved. He was in a bad enough headspace right now without spiralling down into a dysphoric, self-body-hating hellscape.

He instead turned his attention back to his phone, which sat on the table between him and his laptop, and continued scrolling blankly through social media. Memes and posts and videos flashed past his eyes, some of them drawing a faint smirk or an amused huff. He sent a few to Dee. He was well aware that his fiance was at work, but some of them would hopefully give him a smile when he went on break later.

He set his phone down again and took an absentminded swig from the bottle of soda. He winced as it grated against his teeth, the sugar almost hurting his teeth as it swirled down his throat. He ran his tongue over his teeth, prodding at them gently. He hissed sharply as he got to the loose one at the bottom of his mouth. Adults probably weren’t meant to have loose teeth, he thought to himself. He probably needed to see a dentist. When he could afford it. If he could afford it.

11:11am. Roman spent a few seconds trying to think of a wish, but before his mind could grasp a solid thought, the clock ticked over, and the moment was gone. It was all rubbish, anyway. Wishes didn’t come true, and life was cruel to those who didn’t deserve it. Dee was one of the best people he’d ever met, and certainly his favourite, yet he was a ball of anxiety and guilt complexes. He deserved to feel confident about himself, to love his laugh and his soft tummy and his small stature that put him at the perfect height for cuddling, to love his loud way of speaking and his passion for those he cared about. Roman certainly loved them, more than words could say.

He was jolted from his thoughts by his phone buzzing with a message from Dee. He must have been on break already. Roman had yet to pin down the break times scattered throughout his shift, so he never knew exactly when his beloved would be online during the day.

snakememesaremadeofthese [11:16]: good morning darling <3 how did you sleep? cocoa_crowns [11:16]: hi, love <33 alright, how’s work going? snakememesaremadeofthese [11:16]: oh, you know, same old same old. It’s.. a day pft snakememesaremadeofthese [11:17]: what are you up to? cocoa_crowns [11:17]: nothing much really, just dishes and laundry

That was a complete lie, but Roman couldn’t quite face telling Dee he hadn’t touched the chores they discussed last night. He fully intended to do them before Dee got home, that was for certain! Just... not right now.

snakememesaremadeofthese [11:17]: so, are you working this weekend or? cocoa_crowns [11:17]: i havent gotten a shift request yet so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ snakememesaremadeofthese [11:17]: all good, that means we can stay home over my long weekend, do some cleaning and stuff.

Roman let out a soft whine. He’d honestly been hoping that he would get a job request for the weekend, between rough finances and missing his older brother. Logan seemed happy to let them stay at his and Virgil’s house over the weekend when Roman was working, though that was likely because Roman was working for Virgil.

At least Dee usually didn’t seem to mind hanging out at their place while Roman was working. He spent most of his time with Logan and Virgil’s three year old son, Patton. Patton, for his part, adored Dee as if he’d hung the moon and stars in the sky with his own hand. It was cute to see, even if a tiny part of Roman stung with jealousy over being replaced as Patton’s favourite. He genuinely did love seeing the two of them cuddled up on the couch together, playing with toys or watching TV or talking.

It made him excited for the idea of having children, in all honesty. Dee had made his desire to one day have kids clear pretty early on, and Roman had to say he agreed. For a long time, he hated the idea of having children- mostly because he didn’t want to be pregnant, the very idea of it set off his dysphoria like an alarm bell- but he didn’t mind the idea of raising a child with Dee.

Speaking of... he turned back to the computer, squinting at the bright white screen. It was meant to be a story about adoption and found families and unconditional love and hope, but... he just couldn’t get it to click. No matter what he wrote, the tone didn’t feel right for what he was trying to hit. It was just... Wrong, and he hated himself for it.

Writing was meant to be the one thing. His thing. But it just wouldn’t flow, no matter how hard he tried, or what tips and tricks he tested out, or how many breaks he took, or what projects he tried to work on. He loved these stories and characters with his whole heart, and he knew people would be interested in this story- after all, he’d gotten a great reception from the first installment in his planned series. He could talk about them for hours, gush about his plans and ideas and characters, but when it came to actually writing them?

Not a chance.

His heart ached. He felt like he was spinning in the same circles as he had been for months. New house, an (ex boyfriend) friend turned vaguely irritating housemate, new pets, a possible new job that would pay well but he was certain he would loathe- despite Dee’s company during breaks- all of these changes were throwing him off rhythm, and while he was sure that they were for the best, and long term, they would help him live a Happy Life, it was upsetting.

A small, shameful part of him wanted to go home. Not home back to the shared house he had been miserable in, despite only living there for a few short months, not home back to Logan and Virgil’s house, but back to the house he grew up in. It was filthy and toxic, and the people there weren’t much better, but it was familiar. It was regular. He knew how to navigate the treacherous landscape of rotting food left piled in the kitchen, of insults screamed over minute irritations, of the stench from medical issues improperly treated, of prescription medications abused and leaving the mother who was meant to protect him in a drug induced haze, of his father bellowing and throwing things and breaking precious objects and walls (and, in some terrifying cases, people), of the two middle brothers fighting and not understanding why it upset him so. He knew how to try and keep the peace, and how to cope when he failed, as was so often the case in that household. He knew who to talk to and who to avoid in that neighborhood, who to run to if he got in a fight, who to stand up against and who to back down from. The scars from knife wounds in his youth had taught him lessons more valuable than his rundown school ever had.

He didn’t realise that he was crying until a fat tear plopped onto the dining table, narrowly missing his phone screen. He hated that he missed it. He hated that he missed his father, despite swearing off contact with him after coming away from their last conversation with a black eye. He hated that both he and Logan were deliberately keeping their mother at arm’s length, trying to save themselves from the pain of her likely-approaching death. He hated that his other brothers were good people, people he loved, and he couldn’t even go near them anymore out of fear for their parents.

Roman glanced at the clock blinking in the lower corner of his computer screen. An hour and a half had passed since Dee had messaged him, and he hadn’t moved from his slouched position at the dining table. He probably had roughly three hours to do everything else he needed to do before Dee got home. That should be plenty of time. Should be.

He noticed numbly that he hadn’t yet changed out of his pyjamas, just thrown on the cat hoodie he’d bought at a convention a few years ago to show it to the kittens and see if they would cuddle up in the large pocket on the front. He probably needed to shower, as well. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d bathed.

... Well, that wasn’t entirely accurate. He knew he’d had a bath at least semi-recently, because he remembered using one of the bath bombs that he and Dee had gotten at the pharmacy near Logan’s house the other weekend.

He twisted a finger into his hair, pulling his fringe down over his eyes to inspect it. It didn’t feel too greasy, and it looked fine. He was probably fine. Though he should at least wash his face, to deal with his blotchy cheeks and red eyes, if nothing else. Maybe slap on some makeup and go for a walk in the pleasant weather outside. Take the dog with him, wander around town a bit.

As he stared out the window at Dee’s dog, who was sprinting wildly up and down her tether, probably chasing some bug or lizard, he felt his heart sink. He knew he wasn’t going to do any of that. Pipe dreams for someone with far more energy and functionality than he possessed lately.

So, instead, trying his best to ignore the looming sense of dread he felt, and the anxiety he could feel building over Dee’s return and subsequent disappointment over his lack of productivity, he turned his still tear-blurred gaze back to the too-bright screen of the laptop, readied his fingers over the keyboard, and attempted once again to write.

Depression, anxiety, past abuse mention, unhealthy habits, dysphoria mention, brief eating disorder, death mention, bad family past, brief past mention of violence

[pallmallbarb-blog]

Barbers

The Importance Of A Good Our Hair Salon

  Barbers Hair care is one of the most significant things to a certain individual. Regardless of the foundation, age or culture ladies consistently need to look breathtaking and the most ideal approach to do that is to have fantastic hair. Ladies of each age need to look in vogue and knock some people's socks off. As our lives change our timetables may require a greater amount of us, leaving less an ideal opportunity to be worried about specific extravagances. Salon visits are the ideal method to continue putting your best self forward, appreciate a bit of "personal time" and cut out the dissatisfactions that accompany obsessing about at-home techniques. A visit to a beauty parlor is likewise the ideal method to evaluate new styles without agonizing over the result. Beauticians are prepared to address the issues of every customer and work in the zones they exceed expectations at. With this and the utilization of expert hair care items they produce the most alluring outcomes conceivable. At a salon, there is no mystery included and for all intents and purposes no odds that the final product will be negative.

 Straight and long styles looks great on one individual

 With the correct haircut, life turns out to be progressively pleasant and simpler to oversee. Numerous individuals live their whole lives without figuring out how to grasp their actual hair type. Because it doesn't mean it's optimal for everybody. So as to keep up the most beneficial, most attractive hair, it's essential to get a style that works with the hair type. This makes a look that is chic and complex without burning through so much time and assists ladies with feeling progressively sure about themselves, permitting more opportunity for the things that truly matter throughout everyday life.

 Step by step instructions to Select the Best Hair Salon

 Excellent hair is considered as the most delegated wonder of a lady's general magnificence. Consequently, every lady, and man as well, needs to have an appealing, solid and glossy hair. Modern boutiques can help you in increasing alluring hair lengths and styles given that you are taking the correct treatment from right salon. In the event that you are as yet confounded how to choose the best one, you have to go follow the tips and thoughts expressed underneat. Probably, one of the most believed manners by which you can locate the correct beauty parlor is designated "informal exposure". Some prestigious hairdressers recommend that a decent technique to locate the correct boutique is to consider those ladies who have extraordinary looking hair. You can essentially approach them where they go for their hairdo and trim. Beauticians further prompt that while looking for a correct salon, you have to consider people who have same hair surface and type as you have. It encourages you discovering perfect spot to get your hair style.

Superior to costly purported enormous salons

 While looking for a perfect spot for hair treatment and trim, ladies generally accept that a salon with a grand framework, heaps of notice and different other pompous things would be a decent salon". Notwithstanding, it isn't generally the situation. Consequently, while choosing the best beauty parlor, you shouldn't think about a salon with an excessive number of present day pleasantries yet rather you ought to pick a salon that offers best administrations. You likewise need to consider a salon that has all around experienced staff.

 Kinds of Hair Salon Services

 In decades past, beauty parlor administrations were essentially saved for ladies, since they are normally more worried about their appearance than men. These days in any case, even men have gotten progressively cognizant about their own preparing, in this way such administrations likewise apply to men. There are various kinds of beauty parlor administrations, which are regularly offered based on singular inclinations. Further, these administrations have expanded throughout the years, with the end goal that most salons have become a one-stop look though types of magnificence couldn't care less. In this article, various sorts of beauty parlor administrations have been talked about in detail. The fundamental administrations offered in beauty parlors are hair styling and shading. Great hairdos can significantly improve a people whole look, along these lines most salons have hairdressers explicitly for this reason. There is a wide scope of hairdos to look over, which regularly rely upon different factors, for example, the state of one's face and hair length. It is along these lines a matter of styling hair, however salon experts likewise guarantee that such styles are novel to every individual. There are different parts of hair styling, for example, twisting, unwinding or hair expansions. Similarly, shading administrations are offered dependent on their appropriateness to explicit individuals.

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 On the off chance that you resemble numerous ladies, it is important that your hair looks great constantly. Ladies go through hours attempting to fix their hair a specific way. They experience the means of washing it, putting on conditioner, hair gels, hair splashes and numerous other hair items attempting to get their ideal look. This is completely done to like the manner in which they look and to make a specific style for their hair. Finding a top beauty parlor is significant for giving a lady the style that she needs. When searching for a top boutique, you will discover there are numerous approaches to do this, for example, asking individuals you are near. Companions, family members, and neighbors will have the option to reveal to you data for you about the salons they have utilized and beauticians they like. You can even ask somebody who you have never met that has a pleasant hairdo that you might want to have yourself. A great many people will experience no difficulty revealing to you where they get their hair style in light of the fact that by asking them you are offering them a commendation.

 Provide the best hair style in our barbar shop

 It is said that our hair is our delegated wonder and we invest heavily in taking great consideration of our hair, particularly the young ladies. Finding a decent salon is a lot of like finding the correct hair item for you. There is no other path however to do the experimentation test. That is in the event that you don't care for a specific boutique, at that point you need to search for another until you will at long last locate the ideal beauty parlor for you. However, don't surrender on the grounds that there are a few things that you can do that will assist you with finding the correct beauty parlor for you.

 Tips on the most proficient method to make your correct beauty

 You can ask your companions, family, associates and even all out outsiders for a referral. Verbal exchange is now and again the best referral yet observe that what works for your loved ones probably won't work for you. On your first visit to a specific salon, request a conference first. A meeting permits you to "learn about" a beauty parlor before making a pledge to a beautician that you may lament. During a discussion, you can watch the various methods that the staff at the salon is utilizing and how they connect with their clients. An interview likewise allows you to vocalize what you need and get criticism from an expert, all before the primary cut is made. Most beauty parlors additionally have a portfolio that you can glance through of when pictures, which can give you a feeling of what sort of work do.

 What's The Best Hair Salon Shampoo Brand?

 here's been numerous hair care marks that guarantee to be "Salon Exclusive" yet as a rule every selective brand will in general begin in stylists (the beautician making all deals and brand assembling yet not the benefit from the items) and afterward at last selling out into any retail outlet they can get it into or even grocery stores. So whats a genuine salon brand and what do beauty parlors think about items in there salons. I have been in styling more than 20 years and I have seen a variety of brands coming to showcase the most recent deals/benefit plans to get through my salon entryway promising to cause restrictive items in the event that I to prescribe the organization's items to my clients.

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 Regardless of whether you are hoping to have your hair styled, hued or trim, you will expect the best assistance conveyance unfailingly. This implies you need to pick a beauty parlor that can possibly convey administrations past your desires for an upbeat you after each salon visit. Just a magnificent salon can meet and outperform your desires in polished skill. What hence are the segments of a decent beauty parlor? The experience - Professional beauticians are not in the field to step into different territories of intrigue, they put forth a valiant effort and devote their entire lives to the vocation. Through long stretches of understanding, you can make certain to get the best hair medicines, shading, style and trim from these experts. A decent salon will even have the cosmetologists or beauticians tried to consummate their aptitude in administration conveyance. Experience is a decent ideals.

 Effective Hair Salon Design and Equipment

 During these cutting edge times, a beauty parlor is simply not an area to have your hair styled or perhaps complete your finger nails. On account of the tight rivalry in this industry directly, it is no big surprise a few rising ones are concocting salon structure inventive turns of events, along with pondering one of a kind consideration to attract unquestionably more customers. Clearly, since this sort of business is fixated on allure, salon style and configuration is vital. It's the creative estimation of the site that will establish a connection just as a decent early introduction on possible customers. This magnificence and beauty parlor configuration is that "one significant component" which will pull individuals closer and make them need to step into this particular one as opposed to numerous others.

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