#this is about leaving my borderline abusive mom | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wishcamper · 1 year ago

Text

Nesta, Interrupted: gendered perceptions of alcoholism in ACOSF

CW: addiction, sexual assault, gendered violence.

Creds: I’m a licensed counselor with a degree specialization in treating addiction. I have career experience with multiple modes of mental health, trauma, and substance use treatment in women-specific carceral, institutional, and healthcare settings. And I know anyone can come on the internet and say that, but I pinky promise.

The short version:

ACOSF stigmatizes alcoholism in line with cultural standards.

Western culture feels differently about female and male alcoholics due to systemic sexism, and thus treats them differently.

Women’s experience of alcoholism is often compounded by or even a result of systemic factors and intersectional identity.

Nesta’s treatment in ACOSF, while repugnant, is in many ways very accurate of attitudes today.

(I’ll be using “women/men” and “male/female” to denote cis afab and amab people. Little research exists on the experiences of queer, nonbinary and gender expansive considerations in addiction and recovery, which is a fuckin’ shame. Studies are also largely conducted with white participants due to enormous barriers to treatment for Black, Indigenous, and people of color, so this convo is inherently incomplete where it neglects those intersections.)

Okay, first things first: ACOSF is a book that stigmatizes alcoholism. I will not be taking questions.

The number one thing to understand is that in America, land of Miss Sarah, we are very bad at addiction treatment (tx). Why? Because our culture hates addicts has as stigma around addiction. And female alcoholics bear a very specific set of stigmas based in their identity.

In Susanna Kaysen’s memoir Girl, Interrupted , Kaysen’s character is institutionalized following a non-fatal suicide attempt. When evaluated, she’s diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, that bastion of diagnoses perfect for people (75% of whom are female-identified) who don’t fit into our polite definition of functioning. As the book unfolds, she reflects on how (white) women are often pathologized when they buck against systems of oppression that create the dysfunction in them in the first place. That is not to say other women in the institution are not genuinely in need of help, nor that mental illness in women is always from a systemic wound. But it’s crucial in the treatment of female addiction and mental health disorders to considered the systemic factors of gendered violence and patriarchy, and the attitudes we hold about women who struggle with drinking.

Think about female alcoholics in media. If she’s young, she’s a loose, reckless sl*t looking for trouble and deserving of the reality check when she finds it (Amy Schumer in Trainwreck, Lindsay Lohan in general). Or if the woman are older, they are discarded, or gross, or pathetic, or evil like anyone Faye Dunaway played or Eminem’s mom in 8 Mile (deep cut lol). Men are afforded a much larger spectrum of experiences and struggles - Ernest Hemingway, Leaving Las Vegas, Sideways, the dude from A Star is Born, Frank from Shameless (brilliant), frat boys, blue collar workers, introspective tortured artists, fucking IRON MAN. I could go on forever, but I hope that illustrates the depth and diversity of male-centric stories of alcoholism not often afforded to women.

One of the most empathetic and accurate portrayals of female alcoholism, in my opinion, is in the show Sharp Objects (the book, too, but actually witnessing it makes a difference). We see Amy Adams’ Camille swig vodka from an Evian bottle while fending off vicious, veiled attacks from her verbally and emotionally abusive mother and experiencing flashbacks of teenage sexual assault. We watch her struggle to find emotional safety in her conservative hometown, both wanting to fit in and get out in order to survive. We GET why she drinks and I have trouble blaming her for it even as she wreaks havoc on herself and others. We can see her clawing just to make it out alive, and alcohol is the tool she’s using to do it, for better or worse.

Which is where Nesta enters the chat. When we get our first glimpse of her alcohol use is ACOFAS, it’s portrayed as something everyone knows about but that she’s still mostly keeping it together - her dress is clean, her hair is neatly braided, she doesn’t need a chaperone to show up to a family event. The deterioration between ACOFAS and ACOSF is alarming, and we know that alcoholism is a progressive condition so that tends to happen. Was there a particular trigger? That’s hard to say. Solstice certainly didn’t help, especially with the pressures to perform and conform to the standards of the Inner Circle aka the people in power. I imagine seeing her sisters bouncey and reveling in the world that stole them and killed their father was probably.. tough, to say the least. The barge party seems to be a turning point as well, though this one is more confusing to me. But given the child abuse, extreme poverty, sexual assault, kidnapping, bodily violation, witnessing her father’s murder, almost dying, WAR - and that’s not even to mention essentially becoming a refugee - it would be amazing if she DIDN’T drink. She 100% has complex trauma, and is looking for ways to cope.

No one with full capacity dreams of becoming an addict when they grow up. Addiction, in my professional and personal experience, is largely a strategy for coping with a deeper wound. People don’t drink to feel bad. They drink to feel good, and to survive. Nesta herself is drinking to survive, but it’s having the unfortunate side effect of killing her at the same time. As she slides into active addiction, the thought of her own death may even be comforting, and alcohol in that way is her friend. (There's some interesting research right now framing addiction as an attachment disorder, but I don't know enough to speak on it much.)

So she obviously needs help. That’s not a debate. What is a debate is how the IC should best go about intervening. A variation on the Johnson method is used in ACOSF (the one from the show Intervention) and appears to be successful only because they threaten her if she doesn’t comply. This method has mixed data to support it, and while it’s very good at getting people into tx, there is a higher relapse rate for those who receive it (1). The “family” gathers and tells her the ways she’s hurt them and tell her the consequences if she doesn’t seek the help they’re offering. And again, so many of their reason are the effects on THEM, how she’s making THEM look, not her pain.

The IC’s ignorance and dismissal of her alcoholism in ACOSF is frankly mystifying. Why do they intervene on all the drinking and sexing, anyway? It seems like they’ve been fine enough with it up to this point. But now it's gone too far, not because of her illness but because she is embarrassing them. And I don’t know about you, but between Cassian apparently fucking half of Velaris and Mor’s heavily documented emotional drinking, that’s hard to square. It makes it feel much more likely that they don’t like the way she is coping, that she is not fitting into their picture of who she’s supposed to be. This picture is inherently gendered, because Prythian society and those who live in it have explicit and implicit expectations of gender roles, whether they’ll admit it or not. Cassian and Mor are playing their roles well; Nesta is not.

That leads me to believe it is NOT all about her, but the systemic and internal factors influencing their perception of her and the ways she’s struggling. It’s distasteful to them for her, a female, to be deteriorating this publicly, despite the fact that her very identity makes it harder for her to function in the patriarchy of Prythian. We hear almost exclusively about sexual violence against women, aside from 2 male characters. Past or present assault of women is a major plot point on multiple occasions (Mor, Gwyn, Nesta, Emerie, Rhysands mom and sister, the lady of autumn, Cassians mom, Azriels mom, I could go on). But something about the way Nesta is contending with that is unacceptable, and I believe it’s because she’s not trying to cover up her dysfunction. In prythian, we keep these things hidden- Mor’s assault is never processed in full, Azriel’s mom seems to be alone at Rosehall, priestesses are literally hidden inside a mountain for centuries. Women process trauma alone and in the dark, but Nesta is in the light and she is loud. She is refusing to hide her problems, and the IC don’t like that, whether they realize it or not.

So why don’t the IC understand this? Like I said earlier, as a culture we hate addicts, or what they stand for, in very much the same way I think we hate people experiencing homelessness. We convince ourselves it was a series of bad choices that led someone where they are, choices we would never make because we are smart, smarter than them. We believe are more in control than that. We can prevent bad things from happening to us because we are good, because we are better than whoever it’s happening to. But the reality is almost ALL of us are one hospital stay away from homelessness, just as all of us are one trauma away from addiction. And with female addicts, we have another layer of expecting women to only struggle nicely and quietly, or to go away. Intersectional factors are at play here, too: white women are much more likely to have alcoholism attributed to mental health and trauma factors, where people of color often suffer the same addiction being more associated with crime. You can imagine how that plays out differently.

So what is the effect of all this? Gendered expectations lead to not only external stigma around addiction and tx, but also to internalized stigma which can limit willingness to seek tx. (2) Many social forces encourage women to drink and discourage them from telling anyone. Factors such as poverty, family planning, access to education, racial discrimination, and location can make services harder to access. Internally, women are more likely to enter treatment with less confidence in their ability to succeed, but report more strengths and more potential to grow recovery strengths during and following tx. For men, the pattern is reversed (3). And women have more successful tx episodes overall when gendered considerations are a part of the design and implementation of services (4). For Nesta, the effect is that she’s forced into treatment and copes by having hate sex with her ex and changing herself to conform to her family’s expectations while the House and the Valkyrie’s actually take care of her. I do not see how Sarah drew the line from there to recovery, I truly don’t. If anything, she recovers in spite of the ICs intervention, not because of it.

In summary, Nesta Archeron deserved better. Nesta deserved the same compassion the book gives to men who are struggling, and it’s a reflection of not just the book’s culture but the author’s culture that she doesn’t get it. Female alcoholics are worthy of treatment that integrates their identities, as those identities are often essential factors contributing to their addiction. What's shown in ACOSF is a reality many women live, and they shouldn't have to.

Barry Loneck, James A. Garrett & Steven M Banks (1996) The Johnson Intervention and Relapse During Outpatient Treatment, The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 22:3, 363-375, DOI: 10.3109/00952999609001665

Groshkova T, Best D, White W. The Assessment of Recovery Capital: Properties and psychometrics of a measure of addiction recovery strengths. Drug Alcohol Rev. 2013;32(2):187–94.

Best D, Vanderplasschen W, Nisic M. Measuring capital in active addiction and recovery: the development of the strengths and barriers recovery scale (SABRS). Subst Abuse Treat, Prev Policy. 2020;15(1):1–8.

Polak, K., Haug, N.A., Drachenberg, H.E. et al. Gender Considerations in Addiction: Implications for Treatment. Curr Treat Options Psych 2, 326–338 (2015). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40501-015-0054-5

#nesta archeron #pro nesta #alcoholism #mental health #sexism #acotar #acosf #stigma #rehabilitation #prythian university #sjm critical

149 notes · View notes

carolzukii · 28 days ago

Text

Ren hana obsessed

Analyzing ren hana

I've been thinking so much about ren hana this Past days, I just love lots how his character works, the several trauma he got to bare thanks to strade and the way he turned out years after makes so much sense to me!

I'm not a psychology student, but my brother graduated as a psychologyst and I have gotten to know myself better thanks to therapy (lol, still have lots to discover)

BUT THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

When you're going through a traumatic event, or got pass it, is like your mind resets, in an attempt to get over it our mind re-makes a puzzle to keep us alive, is a dramatic way to write about it, but it is true.

In ren case, he already had things to carry in the back of his psyche, the little or non existent love her mom gave him, and the rejection his clan had gotten him through, since he is a human-beast kind, and they got repulsed by humans .

We all need love to "live", to have a motivation, to have a reaction,to grow with tools that we can use in new stages of our lives, but little ren almost had non of that.

So when Strade found him and kidnapped him, he twisted his thoughts into thinking that the pain that strade Inflicted on him for his own satisfaction was love, after all he was the only one ren had, at least we can see his thoughts go that way in btd1 and 2,yet that writting can change lots in gatobob's new game ykmet, but I'm writing this with that I can take.

He obviously got Stockholm syndrome as result of having to stay with stade for God knows how much, and yet left him to die when he was left out to bleed.

In the back of his mind, he knew he deserved it, but did nothing in a shock.

Ren after that, was and felt severely lonely, proof of that is having too much time talking with strangers, and finding solance seeing gore (snuff, strade homemade videos) because it somehow sticked a sense of nostalgia and the obvious morbid liking he had gotten from it firstly because he is not human, and Secondly because his way of seeing things after too much blood, abuse of strade, and assassination sighting ,was a blow to his psyche.

He got to know lawrence, he also knew he had an attraction to blood, and he wanted him to be his new companion, but we stepped in and that's another story.

Our decisions really affect how ren ends making up the puzzle on his mind, letting the feeling of power to guide him, or finding a way he can grow up as a person with a little of help (sadly this isn't canon in tpof as we could see)

The feeling of power.. The rush of having a life in your hands, the excitement and the soft embrace of the voice that whispers in his ear that he won't be hurt anymore.. That he was the control..

Was the only left piece of the puzzle that he needed to find true solance...

In a path filled with blood,but not his anymore.. He is now strong.

Also I have to say if I were to give a psychological diagnosis to ren(this is not exact of course, I'm nota professional, but at least I could imagine what were MY diagnosis before even getting them in a paper, lol)

I'd list him with:

Bpd-Borderline personality disorder

why?, because I think he fears abandonment as a result of what he has been through his emotions just flows if you're not giving him the answer he wants, and the first escene we have in btd2 when he escaped the bar just leaves me thinking, he felt anxious or overthinked about doing the kidnapping or not after we stepped in or he felt like he wasn't supposed to be there (very much the same)

Depression [I can't tell the level of this at all]

(I think is pretty self explanatory)

Anxiety disorder [I can't tell the level of this either]

Ptsd-Post traumatic stress disorder

(I forgot to write this at first, but it is pretty self explanatory, some words and actions we as a player make, trigger him, and makes him to take different actions, from feeling anxious and scared of us, to kill us or hurt us)

And other diagnosis that are derived from lack of empathy, he is very very unstable ofc just as our other beloved psychos ♥️

Oh and anime and anime girls, they're just so cute, I'm pretty sure he has lots of comfort characters >

(well I don't think I wrote something most of the fandom didn't knew, but well.. I think I wanted to share a little of my thoughts even if no one is going to read this lololol, also English is not my first language so writting this is like training, my grammar is ofc not the best sorry!)

#boyfriend to death #ren hana #btd2 ren #tpof fox #character psychology

43 notes · View notes

momentomori24 · 1 year ago

Text

I haven't seen anyone talk about it in detail if at all, so I'll just throw this out there: Is it just me, or are Ashley's feelings for Andrew very not romantic?

Just to be very clear-- this isn't me trying to sanitize the incest present in their relationship or twist it into pure unproblematic platonicness despite everything in the game being a hellish, dystopiant, grotesque, unapologetic mess (in a good way), just an observation that's been on my mind for a while.

We know Andrew is absolutely, 100% romantically attracted to his sister especially through both his inner monologues, relationship with Julia and of course, The Scene. But I never really got that same attraction from Ashley. She loves to degree where it can't be considered platonic, but there's a blunt edge to her affection I wouldn't call romantic either.

She's obviously been obsessed with him from a young age as he's the only person she had to cling to without worrying that he'd leave her. She doesn't treat him like a person, she treats him like a coveted toy that only she can play with. Between borderline neglegent parents, untreated apathy issues, a major abandonment complex and a parentified brother/psuedo-dad, unhealthy attachments and toxic tendencies can go real bad real quick. Go figure. It's possessive, referring to her brother as hers and something that's considered stolen the moment someone else has an interest in it, but it feels a lot more "innocent" than Andrew's possessiveness of her. Andrew is hers to have because he's her brother, just like how a plaything would be hers because it was bought for her-- there doesn't seem to be anything more to it than that.

I think the best example of that is their reaction to the Vision in the Burrial route:

Unlike Andrew, who is disturbingly flustered rather than reasonably revolted, she just... doesn't have a reaction to it. They've already trapped themselves in a box with each other and commited some of the worst atrocities imaginable, so she just chalks it up to another thing to add to their crimes list. Her causual playfulness and indifference to the situation is such a strong contrast to Andrew's desperate denial and really shows her feelings about the whole thing. Or lack of, as she isn't at all fazed about it. You'd think that she'd be thrilled, or excited or equally as flustered as Andrew at the thought of their relationship taking the next big step, but there isn't any of that here. Despite her jealousy, obsession, possessiveness and extreme closeness, it doesn't seem that there was ever any romantic intent involved on her end (or at least none that she knows of). Heck, she even voices her confusion when Andrew confesses he read her actions that way:

There is something funny about going through the story thinking ''ok i get it she's the obsessed yandere sister with a brother complex i see you game'' only to be hit with the revelation that it's the complete opposite way around. Basically just Ashley hitting both Andrew AND the players with the "wait you really saw me like that what did i even do to make you think that??" at the very end and it is baffling. The fact that she seems genuinely oblivious to how she comes off is both a little cute and unexpectedly innocent, but also cements just how little she grew up from when she was a kid.

But I think this line from her really encapsulates their relationship perfectly:

One way to keep him around. She won't sleep with him because of some repressed sexual tension or genuine (messed up) affection, but because she views it as transactional. She loves Andy, that version of her brother who went along with whatever she wanted and cared about her despite all her issues when no one else did. She always acts uncaring towards other people, but it's so obvious that she's lonely. That the people she cares about not caring about her has an effect on her. We see it with their mom, the way she continued to call her despite the abuse and neglect she put her through and immediately assumes she wouldn't have wanted them to find her because she feels that unwanted. We see it with her ''friends'', the way she felt so betrayed by how they basically left her for dead in that apartment without bothering to try throwing some food up their balcony. She didn't even care if they would've succeeded or not-- she just wanted someone to try. She clings so viciously to her brother because he's all she has left. She's been labelled unlovable by everyone else in her life, and the moment he leaves her for someone more stable, she's alone for good. Andy needed her the same way she needed him, but now he's gone, and Andrew is more unpredictable than ever. His nightmares have gotten better, so he doesn't need her to sleep easier at night (not that he did in the first place). He's better at having a social life too, so surrounding himself with others and getting his life together shouldn't be too hard. He doesn't need her the way she needs him anymore, but she knows that Andrew wants her, so she'll give herself to him before anyone else can if it means that he'll stay. Which, by the way, is such a good parallel to her mom's own mindset when it comes to relationships (like mother like daughter ammirite). It's so far from love; it's just blatant codependancy she doesn't acknowledge on her end, something we see Andrew both enable and take advantage of whether he realises or not. And I think that's a more nuanced, fascinating trait of her character rather than just the ''yandere sister in love with her brother'' trope.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading this messy, hopefully coherent analysis of our gravecest couple, mostly focused on Ashley. And who knows, maybe she IS in love with Andrew and I completely misinterpreted her feelings for him, but until proven otherwise I'll keep clinging to this theory. This GAME THE-- [GUNSHOTS].

#the coffin of andy and leyley #ashley graves #andrew graves #gravecest #i wonder if another reason Ashley wasn't freaked out about the vision was because she doesn't see him as her ''brother''#andy was her brother and the person she loved more than anything while andrew is the guy she clings to because he's the next best thing #but she recognises that he's not the same person he once was so that makes him more of a stranger with andy's appearance than anything else #just food for thought #proof reading this later hopefully

155 notes · View notes

melonnabar · 1 year ago

Text

MATT MURDOCK BPD STUDY??

From what I gauge with my own personal experience with having BPD, I think Matt possesses some borderline tendencies. I’m not diagnosing him really, mainly because while I have BPD, I am not a professional and not every one person’s experience with the disorder is the same as mine. Most of this is comparing the symptoms I have with some of the observations I’ve made with Matt from both the comics and the mcu show (and maybe a lil projection LOL)?? Will dump random comic panels in here as well :0

For a lot of people that have BPD, the main driving factors for 90% of everything is an intense fear of abandonment and a lack of self-worth.

Matt I think, does have a fear of abandonment, and it manifests in the form of him pushing others away despite him wanting otherwise. He assumes they’ll all just hate/reject him anyway. And this, he tells a lot of lies, keeps a lot of secrets from the people he cares about the most out of the fear that they might hate him and leave him even if it proves to be counterproductive. He wants to love people, and he wants to be loved back, but his fear of intimacy keeps him isolated from the people closest to him.

A lot of that definitely has to do with his mom abandoning him as a child, his father dying, and being raised by Stick. Stick beat into his brain that he should never trust people, that they’ll end up hurting him and leaving him anyway if they found out about what he was truly capable of with his senses, so why bother? (This is something shown more prominently in the show) And then he goes and abandons him too. That, and the prolonged verbal abuse from the only person he had left to latch onto definitely fucked up his brain.

When put into potentially triggering situations (such as being scrutinized/criticized by the people who care about him) I’ve recognized that he reacts like a person who’s been perpetually stuck with the defense mechanisms they’ve never grown out of as a child. As a kid, he wasn’t exactly allowed to lash out, to be upset, to have his feelings validated as a real person, and so all of that buildup he never got to properly experienced inevitably seeped into his adult life.

His self worth is basically nonexistent. He believes that he’s the devil, and as mentioned before, undeserving of any kind of love and attention from people. I also find it fascinating with the way he acts around different people. Most people generally do act differently depending on who they are hanging out with, but Matt transforms into a completely different person. Foggy has pointed out that when Matt is with Elektra, he becomes a worse person– that he gets more reckless, impulsive, and violent when he’s with her. I definitely believe that Matt was ‘living’ through his deep attachment to Elektra.

Matt suffers from a pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships. He either leaves them or fucks up something in the relationship (What Matt did to Milla as an example 😭) , they leave him, or they get killed. A lot of the turbulence in his relationships have to do with his mindset of his unwillingness to believe that they would choose to be with someone like him. It’s the “you’ll get hurt because of me” and the “why would you love a mess like me?” He’ll frequently get into heated arguments with the people around him, and sometimes he’ll end up saying something that’ll drive them out of his life. Matt will always regret it after, but will convince himself to avoid any further confrontations in a stressful situation because he doesn’t want to cause anymore trouble.

This pattern of thinking is pretty synonymous with the extremes of idealization and devaluation as well. Take his relationship with Foggy for example. Matt can go from putting Foggy on a pedestal and treating him as his “favorite person” to immediately holding contempt towards him and scowling at him (sometimes leaving too). He treats a lot of his his romantic partners like this too.

He is obviously extremely impulsive and is prone to fits of anger and violence. His entire nighttime career is dedicated to risky behavior and putting himself in a place where he’s literally just fighting the entire world even if he’s bleeding out half of the time. He knows that he’s slowly killing himself by going out and doing the things no one ever asked him to do, that he’s hurting himself, his relationships, his livelihood, but he can’t stop. I’m also 100% sure he experiences suicidal ideation straight up as well (it’s more explicitly shown/mentioned in the comics??)

Savior complex aside also, I think Matt only feels alive when he’s out there helping people, which in turn helps him cope with a lot of his psychological issues. I think feeling helpless and not doing enough is something that’ll eat away at him constantly if he doesn’t put on the suit.

Idk, sorry for the long rant?? I rly wanted to get this out for awhile, hope this is somewhat comprehensible 😭😭

#daredevil #matt murdock

180 notes · View notes

gareleia · 11 months ago

Text

THE KNITTING SAGA BUT MAKE IT SAD

update: my co-writer friend FINALLY got a tumblr account, so I can tag them now!!

previously: part 1 part 2

next: part 4 part 5

lets talk about relationships, shall we. i'm gonna focus on Athena & Telemachus this time, but Hermes will have his turn later

let's be real, Athena is a hardass. sure, she cares, but she's so emotionally constipated that it really doesn't show that much. especially before she goes through that character development arc after her break up with Odysseus in My Goodbye

(and what a crisis that is)

(because her masterpiece??? failed her??? but she trusted him??? she made him much as in her image as possible??? he was supposed to be perfect???)

(and if he's not perfect, then she failed,,, and she can't fail, she doesn't fail,,, she's a goddess,,, war strategy is her domain, surely there is no way her plan could be flawed,,,)

(what even is the point of her if she's not perfect)

so yeah, she's a hardass. even on baby Telemachus who'd never held a sword before - especially on baby Telemachus, because he's the son of her favored Champion. he may be waaay younger than any of her previous pupils, but she's expecting him to shine just as bright.

Athena, on the first day: let's get down to business! make your father proud! you won't have a weakness! by the time we're done! you're the saddest pupil that I've had! and you haven't got a clue! but I will make a man outta you! Telemachus, a literal toddler, holding a wooden sword as big as himself: ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

and for years to come she trains him relentlessly. she's honestly trying to be nice about it, too. it's just that Athena doesn't do soft or gentle, her default is a neutral face of displeasure, and her idea of encouragement is saying 'you're not as bad as you used to be', or something along these lines.

Telemachus: *succeeds at something* Athena: *raises an eyebrow in a slightly different manner than usually* Telemachus: *le gasp* could it b-be? am I doing a good job??? Athena: it's… acceptable, for your age.

she never once tells him she is proud of him. because surely he already knows. he doesn't need to hear it. his father didn't, after all (ody so fucking did)

and this goes on until Telemachus reaches double digits. then My Goodbye happens, and Athena has Feelings™. she's having an existential crisis, and has to confront the fact that she had done something wrong while training Odysseus, and she can't understand what. which is terrifying, because what if she makes a mistake like that with Telemachus. will he fail her too?

will she have to leave him too, so she doesn't watch him die horribly in a tragedy that could've been prevented if only she had made him see-

so Athena doubles down and starts demanding more and more from Telemachus. the praise goes from sparse to non-existent, and nothing he does seems to be enough anymore. she goes from tough love to borderline verbal abuse, thinking that it's the only way to keep him safe and prepare him for the future.

and Telemachus endures. he has to, because he doesn't want his mother to worry. doesn't want to appear weak. Odysseus had done it, so it's only fair his son should too. and when his dad comes home, he'll be sooo impressed. he can do it!

except…. not really. it's been a losing battle since the beginning, and deep down he knows it. he can't win with Athena, not on his own.

???: if you want to impress her, you'll need the blessing of a certain god! divine intervention! someone who's not afraid to- telemachus: aeolus, what are doing in my closet?!

so anyway, Aeolus and the winions start helping him via winds and stuff, and Telemachus actually starts exceeding everyone's expectations. it's not that he'd been bad before, but he's soft, and not quite strong enough physically to make up for his gentle constitution

everyone is cheering him on. he's the talk of the palace! his mom is so proud! the suitors start sizing him up with consideration instead of dismissing him outright! (and tele, baby, that's not a good thing! ಠ_ಠ). Athena seems pleased for the first time in ages!! but he knows that it's all a lie, and it's killing him.

cause he's a good, honest boye, and he wants to succeed on his own merit, not because of cheating and lying to everyone he loves. that's vile and dishonorable.

que some very important island-wide competition that everyone is expecting him to join and win. maybe it's even his duty as a prince. like, a right of passage from complete boyhood to adolescence.

and there's,,, a lot of pressure on Telemachus to suceed. everyone and their mother are telling him that of course he's got this, he's a prodigy! def his father's son! nobody doubts his incoming victory! he's got this! he definitely won't disappoint them!

random noble: we'll be cheering you on, young prince! truly, we are blessed by the gods to have such a talented successor to the throne! we'll watch with keen eyes as you triumph over your foes and bring even more honor to your family! b(￣▽￣*) telemachus, eye twitching: y-yeah… thank you… (ㆆ _ ㆆ)

so, the night before the competition Telemachus can barely sleep, he's so wrecked by guilt and nerves. he keeps thinking - what would his father do in this situation? all the stories he'd ever heard of Odysseus always painted him as some kind of invincible, righteous, all-capable genius. so the idea of his dad ever grappling with guilt and feelings of inadequacy is just laughable. (oh, if only he knew)

so, he goes to his mom for advice. because Penelope is awesome. but he can't bring himself to admit that's he's cheating - what if she's ashamed of him? he brought dishonor to his father's name, and if anyone knows - will he get exiled?

so yeah, he basically has a panic attack and cries for like, half an hour straight.

telemachus, bawling: if I lose tomorrow, will you hate me? will dad hate me? I can't do anything right and I'm a failure and a horrible person and- just- what do I do, mother? penelope, holding him: oh, love. sometimes you're so similar to your father I wonder if the gods haven't returned him to me in spirit through you.

because no matter what everyone else says, Penelope knows the truth - Odysseus always followed his heart. oh, how he may have tried to forget he had one, to only ever use his head. but a heart he did have - does have, they have to believe that - and it's a bright and gentle one. he may have been hardened by years of pain and struggle in a way that Telemachus hadn't been yet (and Penelope's heart breaks from knowledge that her son will be, one day). but deep down, at ther cores, Odysseus and Telemachus are strikingly similar. and she loves them all the more for it.

and so, with his mother's blessing, the young prince does just as she told him to: follows his heart. he thanks Aeolus for their help, and asks them to stop giving it from now on. either he'll suceed on his own merit, or he'll wear his failure as a badge of honor and an incentive to do better.

and he loses. badly.

and the world,,, doesn't end? sure, the suitors sneer and jeer, but there's a surprising lack of disowning and exile going around. and the nobles tone it down significantly with undeserved adoration, which is definitely a plus, as far as he's concerned.

the only thing is. Athena.

oh boy.

because she's not stupid. Telemachus may have gotten away with cheating so far, but now he'll have to answer to her why he had flunked so badly, and she won't buy his go-to excuse of 'I got nervous!'

athena, expression unreadable: so. care to explain yourself, my stupid pupil? telemachus: w-well, you see… ha-ha… it's, uh… a funny story… athena: you threw away your best advantage! you've had a god perfectly willing to assist you and yet you still somehow managed to lose! telemachus: wait, what-

so yeah, Athena knew all along.

athena, mildly insulted: how stupid do you think I am, boy? telemachus: but! but! but!.. you never said anything! didn't even scold me for cheating! athena, even more insulted: child, I am the goddess of war strategy, where did you get the idea that I ever play fair and straightforward? leave that to ares, the simple-minded fool!

to clarify, she's not upset at him for cheating. she's upset that he stopped doing so. so she throws some choice words at him, implying he lacks both talent and intelligence

and Telemachus defends himself by saying that he'd rather fail on his own merit, than abandon his principles and win by lying and dishonoring his family. in response, she calls him naive.

he tries to implore to her connection to his father by saying that he was just trying to do what's right. he was following his heart, just as Odysseus had always strived to. and he's training to fight for his loved ones, not for glory of being known.

it's a one hit K.O., because it reminds Athena of her recent break-up with Odysseus. of everything they spat at each other during My Goodbye. of anger, of hurt, of disappointment, of betrayal, of I loved you and you failed me, of I loved you and I failed you, of good riddance! and y̶͈̔o̴̘̖͆u̶̻̱͆͒'̸̫̩̌̉r̷̼͝e̴̩̒ ̴͎̻̈́̎ȧ̸̦l̵̗͙͌̐o̸͚͕̚n̷̟̯͠e̵̳̩͠

and is their whole line just cursed? is this their way of punishing her for something? why do they both hurt her so? is it her fault?

telemachus: athena? are… are you okay? (‘-’*) athena, coming off MG flashbacks: well, obviously, boy, why would you even ask that (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Telemachus just hugs her, because she obviously needs it. and she melts into it like never before.

because she wasn't made for empathy or kindness. she's been born to be ruthless and cold. she's not supposed to love and be loved care about anything but winning. it doesn't come natural to Athena, until recently she had truly thought herself unable to, and yet-

yet here, right in front of her, is a boy who loves for the both of them. loves the whole world - sincerely, selflessly. a truly kind and caring soul (the nobles even joke that his true father is Polites).

she can't love.

but maybe… maybe he will teach her.

maybe he already did.

or maybe she always could.

she forgets sometimes, that her fingers know not only the roughness of swords and spears, but also the gentle softness of weaved silk. creation goes hand in hand with destruction, and she can bind countless threads together without breaking them.

and what are humans, if not strings, waiting to be cut by the fates?

also, if Telemachus can teach the goddess of cold cynicism and detached cruelty kindness of all things, then she can teach him swordplay.

yes, it's a threat.

48 notes · View notes

kneelingshadowsalome · 2 years ago

Note

This is my third time in your inbox, I'm so sorry 💀💀

Can we get more insight on Konigs childhood? You mentioned abuse from his father. What exactly did he do to Konig and his mother? Why did he cut his face up? Why did his mother not leave him? Where are his parents now? Was his childhood the reason he joined the military? Will he fully open up to the reader abt it?

Ty for tolerating me 😭🙏🏾

Please. My inbox is always, always open and I love these questions! (Like... someone wants to hear my ramblings about mentally unstable, fictional men?? You are godsend, my friend 💖)

Thoughts on König's childhood:

CW/TW: emotional, verbal & physical abuse, talk of personality disorders (by someone who is not a psychologist lmao), aggravated assault/murder, self-hate

So, I wrote König as a sociopath (otherwise known as antisocial personality disorder) with borderline pd. He's also neurodivergent (prob. ADHD). Now I don't know shit about these things but I tried my best to do some research on different pds and neurodiversity and thought this potpourri might fit well in König's character profile.

Unlike psychopaths, sociopaths are made, not born. So his dad had a definite hand in creating one out of König. He thought his only son (K is an only child in my canon) was a freak because he was bigger than "normal" kids, tall and lithe and on top of everything else, behaved oddly. König was bullied at school which made him even more asocial and anxious, which in turn made his dad project his own insecurities onto König even more. He needed to imprint it on König that he's a freak by cutting him.

There was a strict routine and order in his childhood home: dinner was to be served at 6'o clock sharp, every piece of clothing had to be pedantically ironed, no tv past seven, etc. Any misstep on these rules and there would be violence, mainly verbal and emotional but at times, physical too. König's mother was never enough, nothing she did was ever enough. König for sure did everything wrong by simply existing. For a boy of his size, he learned to become surprisingly invisible at a very young age.

Sometime during his teenage years, he started to have enough. He started to rebel, learned how to walk tall and straight, started to jog and train inside his room, do 100 pushups every morning. The idea of joining the army was born during these times as well, and becoming a sniper was soon König's biggest dream.

He enjoyed when his schoolmates, even some of the teachers, began to fear him (if you cannot be loved, better be feared than ridiculed). He was the odd, silent, big freak who was only getting odder, bigger and more silent every day. People at school literally feared the day König would arrive at class with a gun.

His father started to cut him even more when he began to show signs of independence and grit. At some point König realized he could easily beat his own dad if he wanted to. At 15 he started to go to the gym, and a year after, when he saw his father yell at his mom about something utterly insignificant, he finally snapped, took a simple kitchen knife and drove it to daddy's ribs (16 times).

His mother had a tiny mental breakdown after that. She didn't want her child to get into trouble, but seeing such a violent murder was the last straw for a woman who had tried to keep the peace by playing by this crazy tyrant's rules. The reason she hadn't left was because she feared he might kill them both. (Also the breakdown was far more severe than the one reader had after the break room incident, and it def. brought back some not so fond memories)

König got the minimum penalty for the crime because he was a juvenile offender. His mother forgave her child quite soon and deemed that her husband was evil and that König did the right thing for freeing them from such a man.

Things got better after that, but his mother was forever damaged from everything that had happened. She began to blame herself for not divorcing her husband sooner, for then he would still be alive and König wouldn't have suffered so much in his hands. One of the reasons König started to wear the hood was because he didn't want to remind his mother of what had been done to him. Instead, the mask only caused her only more pain. She started to avoid her own child, even fear him, feeding into König's insecurities and anxiety even more.

When König finally joined the army at the age of 17, it was to get away from home and pursue his dreams to become a sniper. He thought it might be best for his mother, too, if he wasn't around the house to remind her what had gone down and how her only child was not only a monster, but a murderer, too.

König's childhood is so filled with trauma that he has pretty much distanced himself from it. The geographical distance helps too, and he's not keen on taking reader on a vacation to Austria, for example. But he will open up about his past if and when he sees it's safe to do so. Sadly enough, the thing that bugs him the most about it is he fears he might look weak in reader's eyes. He's been in a survival mode for so long that he doesn't quite understand that he was a child at the time, and should've received love and care.

Btw I totally got inspired by @random-thot-generator 's gospel truth on how König's first kill was his own father! Also the Conan t-shirt as his (first) mask is my canon now

#answered #könig headcanons #just friends fic #yandere könig

329 notes · View notes

grandestheart · 9 months ago

Text

chapter one - tig boarding school au

My mother died two years ago today. Growing up, she would invent games all the time, almost anything could be turned into a game, packing cleaning up? No that was the which-room-can-be-cleaned-the-fastest game. One thing mom would always say to me was “one day avery, one day you will be something special.“ so when she died, that was all I strived to be. Special. Not because I wanted to be, not for money, but for her.

I was in the middle of doing my english homework in spanish when a voice crackled through the speakers, “May Avery Grambs report to the office, that is Avery Grambs to the office.“ I lifted myself from the chair and made my way to the front of the classroom, I heard a couple of gasps and murmers behind me, I didn’t have friends, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the first time these kids had even heard of me.

Principal Altman was waiting for me outside the main office, he was practically jumping with excitement, “Avery, Avery, come in please.” He moved towards me and placed his hand onto my back pushing into his office. I took a seat on the cold leather seat facing his desk, a chill tan up my spine. “I have the best news for you.” His grin grew wider, I was not in the mood for this today, “you have been invited to one of the most prestigious private schools in America,” my jaw dropped, like physically dropped, “I would be surprised aswell Ms Grambs!” Principal Altman, reached into his desk, “I’ve sent over your information, grades, reports etc..” he pulled a pamphlet out. “This is all the information you should need, we’ve contacted your sister and your flights will be provided for you.” My head snapped up, “flights?, and by who? The school.” Principal Altman looked up at the clock, “The school said that an anonymous person has paid them for you, they wouldn’t disclose who when I asked, but I assume it was the board of directors?” Principal Altman rushed me out of the office, leaving me with nothing but a pathetic leaflet and a million questions.

On my way home that night, I briefly skimmed the leaflet, the school was called heights country day and in Dallas, Texas. The tuition was $100,000 a term, so basically only millionaires attended. Great, I’ll fit right in with my worn clothes and tattered shoes. Libby was waiting for me in the living room when I got home, holding a plate of cupcakes, “celebratory cupcakes!” She jumped up when she saw me. My sister, Libby, is probably the happiest goth to ever exist, “Why are you all dressed up.” I was suspicious, Libby had baked chocolate cupcakes, she was wearing a tight black dress adorned with chains, and had curled her bright blue hair and he eyeliner looked more precise. “Libs…” I sighed, Libby looked down. “I’m sorry ave, he won’t do it again, I swear.” Libby had been in an on and off borderline abusive relationship with a guy called drake for about a year, he’d constantly try and turn her against me, and made me out to be the worst kid around. “If he’s here I’m leaving.” I gripped my phone angrily and stormed out, Drake was stood at the door.

“Hey jailbait.” He smirked, I shoved him out of the way and ran outside to my car. I didn’t really have anywhere else to stay. So I climbed into my beat up ford and layed down on the cold leather backseat. I knew I’d upset Libby, but she knew how much I hated drake. I couldn’t sleep that night, In less than two days, my whole life would change, forever

. 🏷️ @sophiesonlinediary @emelia07 @mrswarnerxo @heqrtlcss (lmk if you want to be added)

#the inheritance games #book writing #grayson hawthorne #the hawthorne brothers #the grandest game #the brothers hawthorne #the hawthorne legacy #the final gambit

33 notes · View notes

eroticwound · 2 years ago

Text

The Parentification of the Berzatto Siblings: Mikey’s Mental State

Let’s take a look at Donna’s mental state, as a way of understanding Mikey’s. Donna is dealing with mental illness. She most likely has a personality disorder (Borderline would be my guess) that might be comorbid with a mood disorder (Bipolar or Intermittent Explosive Disorder), and is using alcohol to self-medicate.

Donna’s alcoholism doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Because of her mental illness and the stressors of being a single mom, she is self-medicating with alcohol, meaning she is using it to numb herself out. Between 50 and 70% of people with BPD have substance abuse issues, and 41% of those with Bipolar disorder self-medicate.

This is the state of the Barzatto Family Home: the unstable woman at the center, who can be fun and funny, but is incredibly volatile. She is influencing and modeling behavior for all of the Bear Sibs. So looking back at Michael, as the oldest son, the burden of Donna’s moods and the state of his siblings (and any guests that happen to be around) is firmly on him. And he is empathetic enough to get others out of their funk and charming enough to keep things positive and running (relatively) smoothly. But all the anxiety of this situation—the parentification, which forces a child to disregard their own emotions and well-being in favor of their parent—gets severely internalized, and then masked by his ability to be loud and funny.

Mikey is avoidant above all else. In that first interaction in Fishes, between him and Nat, he literally says, “with [Mom], not handling it is the best way to handle it.” And this approach of his pops up again and again, whether he’s avoiding Carmy (by not picking up the phone or engaging in difficult conversations, or literally, when he leaves the pantry after Carm gives him the present), avoiding handling Donna, or avoiding dealing with his own mental health. This is in no way helped by the fact Mikey is most likely dealing with some form of chemical imbalance, whether it’s depression or bipolar disorder like Donna.

Add to all this the self-medicating behavior Donna models for him, and it’s a fairly clear line from internalizing and masking his pain, to substance abuse; alcohol and pain medication and whatever else he was using are just more intense ways of avoiding his pain. They are quite literally the only ways he’s managing his distress.

In fact, so much of Mikey’s behavior is modeled off of Donna:

The first person to throw a utensil in Fishes is not Michael, it’s actually Donna. She throws one at Steve while Mikey and Richie are giving Carm a tough time about Claire.

Mikey hits himself after Carm gives him the gift, and Donna hits herself at the dinner table.

If Donna hadn’t driven her car through the wall, the scene Mikey makes at the dinner table might’ve been the big story from that Christmas.

And then of course there’s the traumatic tirade Donna goes on about killing herself. That seems like a fairly common threat in the Berzatto household. And it makes me wonder if the gun Michael used to kill himself was his father’s, the one that Donna threatened to use.

And this is a real issue with Parentification: it becomes normalized and perpetuated. These roles and behaviors become integrated into a child’s personality, and alters ideas of what normal and healthy relationships look like. You can see this in how Michael treats Carmen. It was normalized for Mikey to handle Donna in the kitchen. It never occurs to him that baby Carm shouldn’t be around that. But it is normalized *and* unavoidable, so Michael let’s him take on that responsibility. Even the way he talks to Carm, calling him moody, a saltine—these are intended to get Carmen out of his head, but they are also cruel and tell Carm that his emotions are too much, that his emotions can’t compete with Donna’s. After all, Donna and Mikey work together as a parental unit.

You see it especially in the first Mikey-Carmy-Donna Kitchen scene in Fishes, where Donna and Mikey gang up on Carmy together, getting Carm to say he’s happy to be home and loves them. This is a lie to smooth things over on Carmen’s end, but if being around Donna is bad for Carm, it’s bad for all of them. Living at home has got to be triggering, and you can tell throughout Fishes just how done Michael is with it.

Michael’s adulthood is so sad. We know that he had a trail of failed business ventures, money problems, and even had to move back in with Donna. He doesn’t seem to have a girlfriend, and is stuck telling the same old stories from his youth, because the best he can do is mask his dysfunction and entertain everyone. All of this is a self-perpetuating cycle, his avoidance making sure he cannot ask for the help he needs, and his relative functionality ensuring no one pushes the issue.

My next post will breakdown some of the key Mikey scenes in Fishes.

#michael berzatto #mikey berzatto #donna berzatto #carmen berzatto #carmy berzatto #natalie berzatto #sugar berzatto #the bear #the bear fx #parentification #bear meta #the bear meta #meta

134 notes · View notes

strangedarkage · 3 months ago

Text

I truly, madly, deeply think that people who actually view Midsommar as a purely "good for her" movie do not understand it (and especially it's ending) at all.

Just because the ending of the film is cathartic- especially for people who have gone through significant trauma and find healing and liberation through this film's narrative- does not mean that it has a happy ending. I really do think that a lot of people thin that just because something is cathartic automatically makes it good. Most things that have produced these sorts of feelings in me have been really dark and fucked up. It hits a nerve that's a little raw, it fulfills some kind of dark fantasy. In this case, allowing your emotionally immature, borderline emotionally abusive, definitely toxic boyfriend to be selected as a human sacrifice and being burned alive inside the pelt of a bear. I remember rewatching this film for the second time with my mom, who was seeing it for the first time. And she was like... shaking and crying by the end of this movie.

She had just recently left my dad after being married for twenty years because of the horrific abuse that she had suffered, among many other things. She had called me many times that previous year, telling me how scared she was that he was going to do something to hurt her, more likely than not, that he was going to kill her. And she had been able to safely leave him, to move into her own place with my sisters and file for divorce when she felt safe enough to do so. I think that she found Dani's agency (which ironically in reality, is just the illusion of agency, because the whole situation was highly controlled by the cult as she was specifically chosen) in that final moment to be inspiring, a reflection of what she had been forced to live through and survived. It was horrible and she was forever changed (in most ways for the worse obviously) but she was alive. And I think that's a really beautiful thing, honestly. It allowed her the opportunity to really start processing these feelings, something she hadn't really been able to do successfully quite yet. This is one of the things that I love most about horror, that it provides a constructive, creative outlet for difficult, uncomfortable, and often horrifying situations and feelings. At it's core, Midsommar is a story about trauma and how it can be exploited to make anyone vulnerable to abusive, predatory people (and in this case, an entire community of people).

I also do want to acknowledge right now that a lot of people who really relate to this film are those who interpret Dani and Christian's relationshp as abusive, me being one of them. I really understand the "good for you" interpretation because that was also my first interpretation of this film when I saw it for the first tine. But then two seconds later I realized that it's a lot more nuanced than that.

Once you burst your own bubble, once you realize how fucked up your own fantasies could really be, you realize that Christian did not actually deserve any of that. He was drugged, sexually assaulted, and BURNED ALIVE. The punishment does not fit the crime. And that while basically everyone was making really bad choices and therefore also easier to puppet around and influence for most of the film, THEY WERE ALSO TRIPPING BALLS. Drugs, particularly hallucinogenic drugs, are a well documented tool for cults. Because drugs keep people close to you as their supplier, and it also makes them significantly easier to manipulate and control. What I think is so perfect about the ending is that it puts us in Dani's mindset- it's cathartic, it's vengeance for what she thinks Christian did. She feels as if she had a choice and in a small way she does at the end, but again not really. Because everything has been orchestrated to lead up to this moment. It's the illusion of choice being roesented to her over and over and over again.

Basically the entirety fo Midsommar is Dani getting slowly indoctrinated into the cult.

Dani has really lost everything. Her last connection to everyone and everything that she loves. She has successfully been indoctrinated into a white supremacist cult who have assisted her in severing her last ties to the outside world through Christian, and by extension, his friends as well. She is technically a missing person now, even though there's no one left to really miss her. The wording in the screenplay is very explicit in the direction of this last scene. Dani has lost her mind because of everything that she has been through, she is not happy. She is absolutely dead inside. And this cycle is going to continue to be repeated in different ways to keep bringing more people in the community (and also different DNA to keep the gene pool diverse, as inbreeding is something that is just kind of an accepted practice in the cult, but has to be avoided in order to keep producing more new, healthy cult members). She is basically going to be used to produce more "perfect", blonde haired, blue eyed offspring. We know what her future is going to be and it is bleak. Sure, she gets a kind of "family" out of it, but at the cost of everything, including her sanity. None of this is good!!! And it wasn't supposed to be! The most horrifying thing about the ending is that it leaves so much room for very grim headcanons about Dani's fate. The real horror of this film isn't solely found in the gore or body horror, it's Dani's complete loss of agency disguised as something that is good and liberating.

I think the intended (and correct) takeaway of the ending is that a *kind* of catharsis has been reached but it is not the good kind. That you can think "good for her" because she does get her own kind of fucked up revenge on her milk toast boyfriend who did not respect or understand her at all. But also acknowledge that Christian did not deserve to be killed for being a shitty boyfriend. Dani is not really capable of making any good choices at this point because she is exhausted, grieving, and on so many different drugs. She doesn't understand the full scope of what is going on because she can't. And that is by design.

#midsommar #horror #long post #abuse cw #cults cw #abuse discussion cw #this whole mini essay is obviously just my opinion/interpretation of the film btw #but I do think there is a fine line between relating to media in a way that was not exactly intended (I.E. death of the author)#and completely misconstruing something to fit your own narrative #regardless of all of the context clues and hints that the film and the screenplay leave that argue otherwise #quinne rambles

13 notes · View notes

sagethegremlin · 5 months ago

Text

hi im very obsessed with the song vienna by billy joel and keep relating it to purple avm as a little animatic in my head so uh heres a full song breakdown and how it relates to purple under the cut enjoy c:

(oh also sidenote i'll be using MT to refer to King/Orange/whatever and will be using he/him for MT, they/them for Purple and the rest of the color gang, and will be referring to Navy and Orchid as Purple's father and mother, respectively)

OK SO basically the whole song is about reaching for "Vienna," which under the original context is a metaphor for growing up, and the rest of your life that's ahead of you. In this case, it would represent purple's longing for a familial connection and the love that's missing in their life (which would make sense with the "when will you realize Vienna waits for you" line because the color gang is always there continuously giving them chances quite literally waiting for them)

^this is the start of the song, and perfectly reflects the beginning of Purple's life. They were very "ambitious for a juvenile," constantly trying to impress Navy (while also being scared of him because of the abuse they would receive instead of the affection they were seeking for).

"So much to do and only so many hours in a day," can speak to two things here: not only the way that they were always in a rush to impress their dad, but also the way that their mom was running out of time (this disparity can also be seen in the chorus, with "you can get what you want" representing the supposed love from their father, and "you can just get old" being their mother dying; "you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through" also reflecting this, and further emphasizing that chasing after Navy's love is a fruitless endeavor).

But the last line of the chorus, that promises that there's something further. That there's a different kind of love out there that's possible.

This is the next part of Purple's life. "You can't be everything you wanna be before your time" is when Purple worked so hard to build up their village and to capture the egg of the Ender Dragon, all just to reach some invisible standard in their head of what would be "good enough."

"Although it's so romantic on the borderline" marks the transition of Purple reaching for the approval of the dad in their head to projecting those insecurities onto a New Dad (romantic being used as "ideal" in this scenario).

"Too bad, but it's the life you lead" speaks to the pessimism that Purple portrays in avm 29, declaring that no matter what, whatever Purple does is always going to be "bad," that they're always going to go back to "being the villain" (a pattern that we see again and again from when they betrayed Green and Blue, to the League of Legends episode, and then into the arc with MT).

Purple being "so ahead of themself that they forget what they need" is on full display in avm 25, when MT knocks Purple to the ground, and yet they still bow to his photo on the wall. Purple is so attached to this story in their head of MT seeing them as equals that they are blind to the reality in front of them that at the present moment, they're just repeating the same thing that happened with their father.

And then that last part of the verse is Purple convincing themself that they are indeed doing the right thing. We keep seeing Purple getting phased by what they're doing throughout the story (like in the moment in avm 25 with the photo on the wall, and also in the avm season 3 in real time where we see them pause while flying by Green's cell), but they always shake their head and keep moving forward, convincing themself that they are doing the right thing.

This is the turning point in Purple's life. They're overeager in their plans with MT, and things get out of hand.

"Don't you know that only fools are satisfied?" and "dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true" both represent that moment in avm 25 when Purple calls to MT for help, but he leaves them there. MT isn't satisfied with the power they hold, he longs for more. On the flipside, Purple is realizing that the plans that MT had made with him (or, dreams, if you will) weren't ever really true, and they're just alone.

But now, there's that presence of "Vienna" again. The color gang is right there, a representation of a family that Purple never had. And even when Purple feels at their lowest, when they feel the most alone, they aren't. Green is following right behind.

This is when Purple "disappears for a while," attempting to isolate themself in the Note Block Universe, which ultimately doesn't work, as now there's someone there for Purple to tell them that "it's all right," finally providing some reassurance for Purple and showing them that there's other options (currently that option is to beat the shit out of MT but it's ok everyone found family's in the end).

The "Vienna" now is there for Purple, and it has been for a while. The color gang has been offering a hand, but this is the first time Purple's been able to take it.

This section from the beginning carries new meaning now. MT "got what he wanted, but just got old," finally on the cusp of achieving Minecraft's destruction, but being pulled out of it after realizing all of the time that he wasted when there was a whole other life, a whole other son (a "Vienna," if you'll humor me) waiting right there for him the whole time. And if Purple hadn't been there, he probably would've "kicked off" before he ever got to see that (do you ever wonder how he thought he was going to get out of Minecraft after he destroyed it? i don't think he was planning to make it out alive).

And after this newfound realization, Purple and MT are finally able to have that father-son relationship, finally experience that love that both of them are missing (AND Purple's now pals with like all of the color gang so yeah they win)

#animation vs minecraft #avm #avm purple

14 notes · View notes

nucleo-bang-tan · 2 months ago

Text

ITS BEEN HECTICCC

In the meantime, I got into college, moved to a dorm, moved back home (it's not really that far from my college), cut off and lost some toxic friends.

I have been struggling, not gonna lie. New people, new places, a small town girl trying to act like the rich city girls. It's been 5 months since I started college, and I haven't found a friend yet. Everyone probably thinks I'm lame and idk poor?

But their thoughts don't define me, right? Right?

It's been really bad but I'm glad I got 2 friends to talk to. We barely even meet, but hey, we still are close af.

I know I'm still a kid, but I've been lonely for so long, I'm tired. Living at my house (not a home) isn't peaceful or comforting, it's just chaotic and triggering. They try to act like it's alright, nothing ever happened... but the 9-year old me still remembers it. My inner child claws at my insides to be freed, to be happy.

I remember the days I was called gifted, a prodigy and what not. I remember how lonely I was even back then. I was never allowed to leave my house or even have friends. I remember, I was 10 or 11, and I asked my parents for a bike, I wouldn't ride it outside, maybe just in the yard. They refused because they thought I'd run away with someone.

I remember I was taken out for a walk in the yard like I was a dog. Mom never let me out of her sight, fearing I'd run away. Which is valid because all throughout my childhood and even now, I feel like running away.

My parents were paranoid, not in a way that's appropriate for a child. I remember the accusations, the slut shaming, the everything. And for what? For wearing shorts INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE? For simply talking to my male music teacher and being his favourite? For talking to my male cousins? FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY BROTHER?

I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel safe in my own skin. It hurts to just be.

Maybe that's why I stopped trying. I was never appreciated. Heck, I won national level awards and was never even congratulated by my own parents, they wanted more. They cared, yes. But they cared too much.

I was never ever good enough to be their child. They had issues with the way I talked, walked, slept, sat, stood, every fucking thing. It's so shitty to not be able to cry without being called a sympathy/attention seeker by your dad.

This rant was just a grain of sand in the sandbox of reasons I don't wanna live in my home.

There's ed, addictions, physical and mental health issues & abuse, sa, infidelity, sh and just borderline psych ward worthy acts in this family, but I still find myself trying to prove myself for them.

Why am I writing this? For my future self. For others who can relate to me.

But you got yourself, right? The only person you'll ever need? You got your delusional boyfriend, your anime crushes and that one celebrity you're way too obsessed with are there as your coping mechanisms.

Man, being lonely sucks ass

Like fuck, I do care about what you think, I do let it define me, I do change myself to fit into your visions.

But maybe someday, you'll find your own little paradise in a guy or a girl. They'll be your everything, your soul, your breath.

Maybe you'll find happiness. So I'd keep living. Not for myself, no. I don't have enough self esteem or respect for that. But maybe to prove them wrong? AND to someday find that someone who makes me want to be alive.

You're worth everything. You're not leaving, not yet. So big WOMP that you don't wanna live, shut it.

It was not your fault!

It was not your fault!!

It was not your fault!!!

It was not your fault!!!!

It was not your fucking fault!!!!!

#rant incoming #rant #paranoia #parents #parenting #i hate this #nucleo bang tan #bts #writers on tumblr #disordered eating mention #tw abuse #child abuse #lost cause #maybe happy ending #love you <3 #not your fault #inspiring words #rant turned to preaching

11 notes · View notes

brokenmusicboxwolfe · 9 months ago

Text

Warning: Venting, moaning, and spoilers ahead. Enter at own risk.

You know, after watching 73 Yards I had a LOT that I wanted to write about. Stuff about the themes like abandonment, but also about science fiction vs fantasy, the need for answers vs the desire never to know, eerie atmosphere vs cool rationality, blah, blah, blah.

But I’m a week too late. That’s old news now, it’s Dot and Bubble time. And I don’t have the time and energy to say much except…

OMG! Did RTD always have such an unrelentingly bleak and cruel vision of human nature??? I mean, okay, we had a woman heroically staying to take care of babies in the goofy first ep, but we also had a world that would abandon a bunch of babies to die. And the last two episodes…

73 Yards depressed me in a way no Doctor Who ever has. I’ve seen every episode that still exists, seen the recons of the lost, listened to every Big Finish audio over it’s first 14 or so years, and read the “wilderness years” novels like popcorn. I mean, I have absorbed so damn many Doctor Who stories in every medium that I wouldn’t know how to count them. Some were dark. Some were depressing. Some were miserable in every way.

But this….

73 Yards made me wonder if there was no damn point in me keeping on living.

Ruby’s plight resonated far too deeply.

Alone and upset she makes the mistake of stepping of going into pub where the locals, in a display of cruelty **that reminded me why I never go into small local places, deliberately scared and then mocked her. Then her life gets soooo much worse as everyone she loves and everyone she turns to for help ends up turning on her. She isn’t merely abandoned, she is treated with complete disgust and with not even a hint of compassion to soften it. She is haunted by the “ghost” of herself, an embodiment of both a mistake of her past and her future death. This “ghost” becomes her only companion as her life speeds on to the always lonely grave. Every birthday is her all alone, no friends, no family, just her and her always distant “ghost” self. And then she grows old and “dies”. Always alone…

99% of my time is alone. I have no friends to turn to. Every friend I ever got close to ended up leaving me. Heck, even online friends always just go away without a trace. I’m in a rural area where the community I’ve lived my entire life had never made me feel included. Back in school once a year I’d get shunned for not being a Christian as they rediscovered it, and the rest of the time there was mere bullying, mocked and belittled, for all the other things that marked me as an outcast. My family were outcasts too, for that matter. My family, where Mom is the only one left who loves me, just a frail voice on a phone I can no longer reach out to. My brother has openly wished me dead and doesn’t want me setting foot in his home, telling me constantly how worthless and disgusting he finds me. Everyone else I’ve loved is dead or gone away. Every birthday is alone, and I’m increasingly aware I’m spiraling to my own death…

No one. Never anyone. Never able to make new friends. Doomed to isolation unto death. No friends. No family. No help. Just me and…..me.

Yeah, it got to me. Ruby gets a moment of using her pain for good, and the reward of a do over. But that’s fiction. My “ghost” self offers no chance to do good, and when I die I will simply rot away (or burn, if whoever gets stuck with disposal duty decides to cremate me. They’d probably just flush me down toilet if I would fit! LOL)

And I thought, ok, maybe that’s just me. Maybe most people won’t feel borderline suicidal as escapist entertainment rubs salt in very open wounds.

But then I thought about the harsh cruelty of the world in the story, the complete lack of warmth and hope. Hell, our heroine stands by and lets a young woman get (strongly suggested) abused by a man she KNOWS is a baddie simply because she needs to prove that that baddie is bad enough to deserve what she is about to do. So even Ruby is a terrible person deep down, tainted by a world devoid of love to the point of treating people as test subjects.

Okay, this is bleak stuff. Great episode, even if I am ambivalent about that all fantasy/no explanations take on Doctor Who.( It also joins things like Grave of the Fireflies on my “Great but NEVER watch again!” list. ) But it’s surely won’t be so dark next time.

Oh dear.

So in Dot and Bubble we get a world of the young and privileged living in their social media bubbles (oh, very subtle), completely unable to function in the real world to the point of being unable to walk.

Okay, that’s not bleak. A bit cynical and harsh, kicking an easy target, but dark comedy material. And the obnoxious gal we are following will surely come to her senses, learn to connect with people, will be grateful for help, and…

Oh. OH!

This is THAT kind of story. Where we are reminded that people are essentially selfish and shallow, where they do things against their own best interests out of things like snobbishness, and the one decent human being we meet is doomed to death by betrayal.

Okay, now the question is, which do I find bleaker. The “you are doomed to always be isolated” episode or the “most people don’t even deserve help” episode.

People complained about the ending of Boom being sappy, but TBH it was kinda a relief for Moffat to pop in and say “Ok, look, love will give you at least a pseudo happy ending now and then. Now don’t go slitting your wrists at the utter nastiness out there…”

And the RTD whispers “I’m not saying slit your wrists, I’m just saying that if you do no one will care. The hysterical laughter at snot monsters and musical diva gods is just the universe having a nervous breakdown in the dark, but that’s fun, isn’t it?”

I’m not saying I think these episodes are awful! Just to be clear, I’ve enjoyed stuff about all of them! I haven’t hated any of them (No, not even Space Babies with their poor little freaked out faces and ill fitting CG mouths creeping me out) And if you don’t feel depressed after these recent episodes I’m very glad. Really. I just wish I had YOUR brain!

It’s funny, after an era where I complained (quietly) about poor writing I am now complaining (loudly) about the horrible mood the better writing is putting me in!

Yes, I will keep watching, trying to hold onto whatever light I can in the darkness. But I can’t say I’m looking forward to being miserable every time. I’m not sure I’m actually having fun. My life sucks enough lately, and Doctor Who making me feel worse is something I NEVER expected to have to deal with.

**Note to self: be glad you can NEVER go to Wales! Yeah, my grandma had a penpal from Wales. It was a lovely old lady she met while they both rested on a bench in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum. I met her and she was quite nice, even as little me withered in shame hearing grandma, in her lifelong childlike innocence, tell an embarrassing detail about me. I rationally know people from Wales are just people. But after that pub scene…

#rambles #doctor who #73 yards #dot and bubble

10 notes · View notes

happyk44 · 1 year ago

Text

@riordanverse-dorphin, tumblr ate your ask. Luckily I get email notifs so did see it. For others, ask was suggesting if the Neptune kids have/are geared towards SzPD, perhaps Percy (and other Poseidon kids) have/are geared towards Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I did actually consider it when I was like hmmm 🤔 what would Percy be more prone to, but, lol, set those thoughts aside because of brain fog ahaha. The "emotional rollercoaster" that often describes the disorder also fits the idea that Poseidon is the emotional moody ocean, while Neptune is the uncaring emotionless sea, which is one of the reasons I had been thinking abt it tbh.

Anyway, see my thoughts below!

The description and diagnostic criteria of BPD through the DSM-5:

Borderline personality disorder is described as a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships self-image and emotion as well as marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood.

It is indicated by the five or more of the following symptoms:

A pattern of unstable relationships

A fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined

Instability and insecurity in self-image

Impulsive high risk behavior such as excessive spending, promiscuity or substance abuse

Suicidal behavior or self-harm

Intense mood swings

Chronic feelings of emptiness or sadness

Anger management issues

Stress related paranoia or loss of contact with reality (aka general dissociation, depersonalization or derealization)

Additionally! Here is how ADHD and BPD overlap.

Image source

So how would Percy fit? Further explanation(s) of how the symptoms may presentation in BPD.

Unstable, intense relationships: ❌

While I think we could consider Percy's relationship with Annabeth to be intense, I don't think he really has unstable relationships. His top three relationships - Grover, his mom, Annabeth - are all fairly stable, imo.

Fear of abandonment: ❓

I think this one is up for interpretation. I can't fully recall any specific scenes where he's terrified of being left by his loved ones. But I personally a) think Poseidon has a fear of abandonment, due to the clinginess of the ocean, and b) Percy so very much loves his inner circle - his mom, Grover, Annabeth - that he's terrified of them ever leaving him. This is kind of seen in TTC when he's worried that Annabeth will leave for the Hunters, as well as his refusal to let her go and choosing to fall into Tartarus with her. But one could think of that as being more romance-oriented so 🤷‍♂️ That being said, there's also his "no Grover, do not remove the empathy link" thing that you could side-eye as "I need to keep Grover in my life forever and an empathy link is perfect for that". So for me, it's a check. For others, it's up to interpretation.

Poor self-image: ✔

Percy does not think very highly of himself. The earliest obvious display of that I can think of was in TSoM where he was looking at his "perfect" reflection and thinking about how much better that guy looked. Otherwise he does think of himself as a burden to others, or a bad kid. He also thinks of himself as stupid, even when he's noted to be fairly intelligent when it comes to battle. He has a low self-esteem. While he's improved since the start of the series, much of these feelings are still present.

Rapid mood changes: ✔

Percy has been noted for being unpredictable and moody, like his father. Like I said, the intense mood swings symptom was actually the reason I was considering BPD before because where Neptune is the uncaring sea, Poseidon is the emotional one.

Impulsive and dangerous behaviour: ✔

Yes, it's a check, but it also overlaps with other things. The nature of being a demigod is inherently dangerous. ADHD also lends to impulsive behaviours.

Repeated self-harm or suicidal behaviour: ✔

BoO literally has him talking about being suicidal and wanting to die. He also expresses suicidal thoughts in various spots throughout the series. A lot of other people in the fandom have already spoken about this. Additionally, I headcanon him to self-harm frequently.

Persistent feelings of emptiness/sadness: ❓

Question mark because I'm not sure. I think his feelings of emptiness/sadness would more so related to his suicidal feelings or depression. Additionally, what I get from Percy is that his base emotion is anger. And that's something he does his best to repress. Hazel mentions in one of the books that there's a similar sadness between him and Jason though. So, I guess it's up to you. I personally headcanon Percy as struggling with alexithymia, so for me this would be a check. But for others it may be an X.

Anger issues: ✔

I mean do I even need to explain this one?

Temporary paranoid thoughts and/or dissociation: ❌

Doubtful with this one. I think any paranoid thoughts Percy displays in the series are valid within the context of the going-ons in his life. I mostly relate dissociative behaviours with Jason or Frank too. Dissociative behaviours, such as depersonalization or derealization, may occur when I write him but it's really in relation to him being depressed versus a general "out of body" sense as with the other two.

Also, in researching SzPD, quiet BPD came up a bit. Quiet BPD is not separate from classic BPD. The traits are just noted to be directed inwardly rather than outwardly. They will still experience the intense emotional rollercoaster that distinguishes BPD, but they tend to shut their emotions down or push them aside. More so, their sense of self is marked by shame and/or self-hatred.

So, I think where his outbursts of anger and impulsivity are expressed outwardly, the other traits are kept inwards. He doesn't talk much about his emotions to people. Even in BoO, talking to Jason about being suicidal can appear like an intentional choice, because Jason is not someone he is close with. Also they talk about it in the middle of a fucking battle. It might've been something he needed to verbalize without actually talking about.

Also "Favourite Person" is something that notably occurs in BPD, where a person with BPD becomes heavily reliant on a specific person for emotional support, attention, and validation from. They are often highly idealized and tend to be the center of a person with BPD's focus. Percy's clinginess with Annabeth can kind of come across as this.

Hope that helps! And fingers crossed Tumblr doesn't eat anymore of my asks :)

#happy talks pjo #percy jackson #happy's asks #technically. bc tumblr ate the real ask lmao #but anyway i couldn't tag the blog you sent the ask with? but i know that's your main and the riordanverse one is pjo specific so 👍#riordanverse-dorphin #bpd!percy

24 notes · View notes