#a past sense
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I am so back and fourth all the time.
I’m going to be brave because I know I can’t live like this anymore. But
I’m not brave. I’ve never been brave. I’ve made it this far surviving on only fear and luck. I was hoping something would take me out eventually, and I wouldn’t make it far enough for this to happen. I wasn’t supposed to make it. If she didn’t take me out, I was gonna do it myself, but I wasn’t even brave enough for that. I’m not brave. I’m a coward that got lucky.
But now I have to be brave. Because I can’t live like this anymore. Somehow I made it, and I can’t her ruin me anymore.
And it’s going to suck, and I’ll have to explain everything to my whole family. I won’t be able to protect my siblings anymore. I’m gonna have to put myself first. I’m gonna have to make that sacrifice. Take that risk. Forget about everything else. I’m gonna have to leave and never go back. I’m gonna have to be brave.
But I’m not. And what if I can’t do it?
I pack and she comes home and there’s yelling, and I end up standing in the yard sobbing because my mom doesn’t love me yet she’s begging me to stay. She’ll claim it’s cause she does love me, and maybe a part of her does, but it’s really because she doesn’t want to have to say she disowned me, even though she’s always said she wants to. Maybe this is like every other time she said she’d do something terrible that never ended up happening. Maybe she’s calling me selfish, after all she’s done for me, caring for me for my entire life, and saying I can’t take my things because they’re her things. Maybe there’s cops. Maybe she hits me. Maybe she hits my friends. Maybe I give up and go back, and all my friends are disappointed in me because I’m not brave.
Maybe I make it out. Maybe with my things, or just the clothes on my back. Probably barely in one piece.
Maybe it’s not worth it. Or maybe it is.
I just don’t know if I can be brave. I can’t realistically see myself making it.
#vent post#cw sui mention#THIS ISNT ACTUALLY ABT DYING THO GUYS#my bad I realize it sounds a little..#yeah um#I mention it once in like#a past sense#but when I say leave I mean move out of my moms#I wasn’t thinking about context#my bad#many apologies#this is about leaving my borderline abusive mom
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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best depiction of the batfam will always be "You grew up to be the person who would have saved you" but it applies to them each respectively and that's why none of them can see eye to eye and also get up their own asses about things and go to such great lengths to defend their personal brand of justice. Because they can never stop trying to save themselves from their own history.
#does this make sense??#dc#batfam#the batfamily#dick grayson#Jason todd#Tim drake#Bruce wayne#Damian wayne#Stephanie brown#duke thomas#cassandra cane#(wait until they all find out you can't outrun the past)#hall of fame 2024
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still ruminating over Lost In the Book With Spooky Skeletons Part 1, so here's a selection of some of my favorite little bits! (...some more loosely paraphrased than others) (I just feel like Idia has no room to criticize in general, okay)
anyway, I'm sure we're just going to have a fun time celebrating Halloween and nothing bad is going to happen whatsoever! :)
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#lost in the book with nightmare before christmas#hajimari no halloween#calling dibs on skeleton kisses as the name of my band#man scully is just a delightful little weirdo and i'm enjoying him immensely#(i'm going with scully until we get something official just because it makes me think of x-files)#(スカリー is also how the agent's name is transliterated and i don't know if it was intentional but i love it as a bonus reference)#(i want to believe™)#gosh though#'no one at school likes me because i won't shut up about halloween and jack skellington' i'm feeling VERY attacked right now twst#look scully your people are out there#just get on the forums and -- oh wait you're probably from like the 1800s or something#(my theory is that he's from the past and there's just some Book Magic going on to bring us together)#(LOOK they made a point of saying that the book fair has been held annually for a super long time)#a hot topic goth born before hot topic was invented...so sad 😔#i dunno i could be wrong but that feels like a good working theory for now#if it wasn't for mal sensing twsty ~magic~ on him i would think he's like. a christmas elf who's going to kidnap jack in a reverse-nmbc#(not ruling that out though because it would be amazing)#god all the sprites in this event look AMAZING. loving the desaturated colors and the extra drawn-on lines 😍#i'm genuinely kinda sad that we aren't gonna get to see every character like this#who knows...maybe halloweentown will be imperiled again next year...#come back and destroy my keys again please#(that said i'm doing weirdly well so far?)#(i promised i'd save for sebek and just do cursory pulls to get the SRs and not hope for the SSRs)#(...but then leona jumpscared me four coffins in anyway. halloween magic is REAL)
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Simon petrikov coping FAIL compilation
#HNNNGGGNNN!! SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT EPISODE 2……#my art#adventure time#fionna and cake#simon petrikov#Fionna and cake spoilers#<- kind of??? maybe not really#I’m so glad ep 2 gave us some insight to that scene in obsidian#it’s such a shift from Simon saying he’d literally rather DIE than be the ice king again#BUT IT MAKES SENSE!#nostalgia can twist your perception of the past#and then mix that in with a metric ton of trauma !#‘things were simpler back then’#SIMON 99.5% OF YOUR LIFE AS ICE KING WAS AWFUL….#I mean in the later seasons he does gradually gain acceptance and fit in with the others#but that just makes the CURRENT simons situation so much sadder it’s like he’s back at square 1 in some ways#WILL THE ISOLATION EVER END?#OK IM DONE RANTING IN THE TAGS
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Parents and children~
extra:
#okay i swear this one was funnier on my head#But i was bedridden and high on cough medicine for the past 4 days and only had my ipad to bring me entertainment#so MAYBE my sense of humor was not right#and i'm still sick and i can't deal with coughs anymoreeeeeeeee i wanna draw mihawk properly not scribles dnajskdnjsak#anyways tags!#dracule mihawk#mihawk#one piece mihawk#mishanks#red haired shanks#shanks#akagami no shanks#one piece#op#one piece shanks#akataka#redhawk#op shanks#zoro#perona#ghost princess perona#roronoa zoro#goth family#goth fam#and yeah i see shanks as a terrible dad i am sorry please don't cancel me
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someone asked if i had ever drawn gojo with his scars, now i have :>
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#gojo satoru#jjk gojo#satoru gojo#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#this outfit i swear im gna get called out as a fake gojohater#its not my fault its the best one he gets#speaking of which i am enjoying the relative bliss before this fight n this outfit are animated sighs i already know its gna b mayhem#but ths neither here nor there ths none of my business#anyway this gojo took a lot longer than it should have also but i had some mishaps with th pose >:/ iykyk#i also wanted to like. toe th line with his expression between unsettling and relaxed if that makes sense??#mostly i didnt want him to look too genuine#idk how successful i was but i am Happy with it i think#or maybe its just the exhaustion talking#tbh im past exhaustion i think i spent over 14hrs drawing today i have been up since 7am and i am pretty sure my blood is energy drink#rings dinner bell gojolikers come get ur food#anon who asked i hope u enjoy! ty fr the request even if it was gojo /silly
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Jason and Cass' opposing views on murder is so interesting. Their conflict is not purely moralistic - that is to say, it's not purely that Jason thinks murder is okay, and Cass doesn't. It's their identities, their original and most fundamental worldview. Jason is a murder victim and Cass is a murderer. Yes, Jason kills people as Red Hood, and yes, Cass dies multiple times, but this never truly erases how they see themselves. Jason will always have been murdered, and Cass will always be a murderer. They are unable to fully extricate themselves from those roles, and thus will never approach life or death the same way.
#cassandra cain#jason todd#so i may have spent thirty minutes reading jason meta#cass will always be my fav but damn if jason meta doesn't hit on a spiritual level#that boy is messed up#idk if this post makes any sense?? jason experts feel free to correct me#it's interesting too how so much of their trajectory is trying to change that identity as victim or villain#jason becoming red hood is creating the autonomy being a victim denied him#cass becoming batgirl is creating the autonomy being a (forced) murderer denied her#yet they both are unable to truly let go of what the world made them#thus both being perpetually haunted by their past selves#meta
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A little kiss to ease the pain of surgery!
( @sodascreen cursed me to draw men kissing!!! I couldn't control it!!!!!)
#trypo-p#trypo.png#tf2#team fortress 2#digital art#my art#tf2 heavy#heavy tf2#tf2 medic#medic tf2#heavymedic#red oktoberfest#cw: gore#cw blood#i stayed up past my bedtime for this#as of writing this it’s 3:20 AM and I’m scheduling it. uhhhhhh hi future people#I definitely regret this#but now I have a sense of accomplishment
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18+ mdni; gn!reader
thinking about roomie!suguru, who steps out of the bathroom with just a towel hanging loosely around his waist. it's dangerously low and his happy trail is... leading your eyes to a forbidden place. water droplets cascade down his temple and his neck, his scarred chest and his toned muscles.
he finishes drying his hair with another, smaller towel before slinging it over his shoulder. he gives you a warm smile. there's still a bit of sleep in his tired eyes but he looks fresh, he looks good.
(he looks more than good.)
the morning light shines in through the small window of your shared kitchen and he hums at the smell of coffee. you're an angel leaning on the counter, hands busy with preparing your drink as he steps inside.
he chuckles. he asked you a question but you didn't hear it. he smells so fucking good; the smell of his shampoo and his fancy conditioner wash over your senses and it's easy to forget where you are. his eyes flick behind you before walking over to you with a smug little grin.
he bores his sharp purple eyes into yours – he loves how you react to him. he doesn't shy away from it, he's cockier than he looks. he loves the attention, he loves to be in your spotlight. he wouldn't care so much if you were a stranger, if you were a random person on the street ogling away, ut you're neither of those things, are you? no, you're something else.
he exudes warmth as he towers over you, his head tilted down to keep his eyes on you. he wants to play with you a little – he loves the way you're staring up at him right now. eyes big and wide, lip tucked under between your teeth. he's good with people, he can read them like a book and you're no different. he sees you swallow a dry lump, he sees you grace him with a flustered smile as you try to brush by the fact that he caught you admiring him red handed. he sees the way you're taking deeper breaths than normal, surely just to keep your composure. he can't wait to break you.
his arm reaches behind you to turn off the coffee machine with a small click.
"wouldn't wanna make a mess this early in the morning, now would we?"
melting. crumbling. falling down to your knees. you hate how much he teases (you love it), you hate how patronizing he sounds (it's hot). he's the only one that can get away with it – a charming smile that hides his deepest desires of sinking his teeth into little lambs like you, soft eyes that hide the need to watch them unfold before him.
his gentle hands long to hold, long to keep and covet. he thinks about you a lot; your shared mornings and afternoons, your exhausted naps and bitter rants about your days. shy gazes and lingering touches, stupid jokes and the cute little hidden sounds he keeps hearing from your room in the late hours. he's being patient, he's warming you up.
he's just as infatuated with you as you are with him. he's just more subtle with it.
or is he?
because you've heard him, too.
you don't know whether he's doing it unknowingly or he's actually trying to make you go insane – whichever it is, you are ready to bend at his will. soft groans accompanied by a steady slick pump; you didn't mean to listen in. you just wanted to make sure he's okay!
ear against the wooden door, you listened to him think about you. your name was on the tip of his tongue, but it was too early for that. he wants to smear you with his honey, he wants to drag you in but he needs to wait for it. this is perfect.
he did know you're were there.
he heard the floor creak, he heard the cutest gasp that left your pretty lips. fuck, you're perfect. his head was lolled back as he stroked himself to the thought of your wide, doe-eyes. how flustered you'd be, how flustered you were in that very moment. he imagined your trembling hands and your stuttered words and his dick twitched in his palm.
he thought about inviting you in and just making him watch as a form of punishment, for being a little pervert. he shuddered out a laugh and watched a glob of pre-cum cover his own fingers before mixing with the saliva and spit that's covering him already. he thought about making you sit between his legs so he could jerk off right in front of your beautiful face, he thought about your wobbly lips, your teary eyes. the way your thighs would press together.
your fingers would itch and twitch and he'd make you place them on your legs. he wouldn't want you to touch. yet. maybe he'd make you apologize and maybe he'd make you kiss the tip. he thought about how good you'd smell, how good you'd taste. another raspy groan crawled up his throat and you were about to cum untouched behind his door. like a creep.
he loves it. he's proud of you, he wants to push you even further. he wants to see what else he can make you do. this is exciting and he can't wait to devour you whole as a reward after he's done bullying himself into your body and your mind. utterly loved and corrupted—
— you're meant for him.
#SUGURUUUUUU I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING YOUUU I APOLOGIZEEE I LOVE YOU SOOOSO MUCH#where'd i get the inspo for this? i listened to deftones in the shower😌😌😌😌😌#i love this suguru btw#HE'S STILL A LOVERBOY THOUGHHH#but he's a sneaky little thing you know#he likes to play with his prey before he goes in for the bite#the love bite ofc#ALSO headcanoning him as the biggest deftones listenerrrrr lani and salem are you hearing meeeeeeeee#we're gonna have one big makeout sesh!!!!!!#sugu#geto#geto x reader#geto drabble#geto x you#jjk#geto suguru#geto suguru drabble#wtf mickey can write#geto smut#geto suguru x reader#jjk geto#jjk x reader#jjk drabble#bro i can't make sense of present and past and future apparently#my apologies
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genuinely the way taylor clearly falls hard and fast and hopelessly in love every single time is very endearing. writing "this happens once every few lifetimes" and "no one's ever had me, not like you" on the same album that covers the breakdown of two relationships that were also seemingly destined and life changing and unmatched by anyone else is exactly what makes her so good at writing about relationships. if a songwriter doesn't feel everything with their whole chest and throw their whole being into it then I don't want it
#i do think there's a more sad interpretation#in the sense of 'my whole past and every struggle led me to this person <3 except it fell apart...#but that's ok because really it was leading me to THIS person <3' etc#but like through her whole discography she's been the same and it's sweet#talking#taylor swift
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Zelda goes mushroom girl
#tloz#a link to the past#zelda#link#my art#I was happy with that first one but for some reason decided it still needed a companion piece so I spent way too long on that second one...#I don't think there was any time during the progress where I was happy with it but hfduhdfu at least I got to Attempt drawing moss hell yea#I also at some point sat in Pyu's art stream and said I enjoy drawing legs As I was being murdered by the infamously impossibe (imo) squat.#it's ok I had fun !! but I need to learn how to let doodles be doodles or I'll never finish stuff at this rate dfsuhfd#if everything in my tloz tag looks like it was drawn by different people uuuh 2023 was art crisis year ngl......#I'm falling back into my old ways rn though#anyway I think about these two a lot I think they're both stone faced and awkward ppl in different ways but they try rly hard to be friends#like I like to think it starts out so incredibly awkward and a bit sad bc they keep stepping over each other's toes accidentally the harder#they try but idk they find comfy middle ground idk in my brain they have a very interesting friendship I wanna get around to drawing it#in a proper way that might make sense....#if I don't write 200 tags I will die maybe it's bc I grew up on dA or smth#and yes I know how to find 1 (one) type of mushroom /I/ am not mushroom girl unfortunately smh
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My page for @sheikahzine; about Impaz's duty to her village, empty of people and full of memories.
[id in alt text]
#legend of zelda#loz#twilight princess#loz tp#i'm still reeling that someone sent me an ask about this one.. that they took the time to find my tumblr and tell me they liked it#it really meant a lot; thank you to anyone that stops to leave comments like that. they make me happy#but yeah! here's the usual symbolism ramble:#i thought it'd be cool to have the 'spirits' flowing one way and the cats walking through them the other way#to kinda show the difference in life inhabiting the village in the past and present#link's face is covered because impaz was just waiting for 'the hero' so his clothes are what matters; not his face#and it (hopefully) gives a surreal and intangible sense to 'the hero' she could only hope would actually show up#you can feel free to interpret the glowy blue sheikah as ghosts or just as memories of the past! i couldn't decide either way#the one on the bottom left is oot impa since she's implied to be the village founder. so i guess she would be a ghost actually?#fan art#my art#project stuff#and ahhh the book-- everyone's stuff is so beautiful!!#especially the writing. some of the fics made me really tear up and some were so fun and clever. i really love them#a lot of them captured the sheer burden of the role of the sheikah; all of the time and grief and doubt#i know i always say this stuff about every project but. the people i get to work with in these are truly so skilled every time
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The way Orv will dangle the basic premise in front of you like a set of keys and have you going "Ha! So Joonghyuk is the novel's protagonist but Dokja is OUR main character." and you're so busy enjoying that layer of meta text that you don't notice their other hand winding up the Han Sooyoung hammer to whack you with.
#Orv#Orv rambles#It's so good it's so funny#She doesn't exist for the first like 30 chapters. And she writes the whole thing#It's a love letter from her to Dokja using Joonghyuk#And yet it all unfolds so slowly she's just a little guy. A little fella. A ruthless little asshole.#And then boom surprise she is the past the present and the future the reason this story exists#The reason Dokja is alive the reason Yoo Joonghyuk was created#Dokja's life starts being born in normal reality. Yjh's life begins when HSY writes him#HSY created herself. She's the chicken and egg a perfect loop with no end point#She IS the story in every sense
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I often do think it is important to call myself a woman. In past I've had kids ask me "are you a man or a girl" and in hindsight I think these kids were quite perceptive of the world. Especially when you're in your 20s it's men and girls, I've seen students write pieces describing themselves as men, but their female peers of the same age they call girls, but I have also heard bisexual women say they like both men and girls. In past I've fallen into that myself and said that yeah I'm a lesbian I like girls, but do I? No I am in my twenties and I am actually only attracted to my fellow adults - women. It does feel more serious, less trivial, both to be and be attracted to women as opposed to girls, and that can be a bit uncomfortable to be faced with. It is also important to me as a butch. I am no longer a tomboy I am a butch I am no longer a girl I am a woman. I am a woman and women can be like me. I don't feel like I've succeeded enough at adulting to call myself a woman, but that doesn't matter. I am 25, and if the word bears other connotations so be it, that's not my problem.
#to be fair i have also heard men on their 20s say man feels too serious of a word to them#but idk like so much of our society infantilize women i wont do the same#but also like in group of friends i do hear both men and women call each other boys/girls like girl's trip/boy's trip evening with the boys#lunch with the girls etc like ofc theres many situations where those words are used past adulthood in a way that makes sense but still#musings#butch
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Can finally share these now that the rp is along its way- some bgs done for my section I'm dming! Last one was coloured by the ever amazing @esotericephemera
#background art#industrial#dieselpunk#ough im slowly getting back to comms#been sick past week while working all night shifts so my sense of time has been decimated
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