#this is a silly sketch might delete later

[venduri]

ʸᵒᵘ'ᵛᵉ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵃ ᵇᵘˡˡᵉᵗ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵐʸ ⁿᵃᵐᵉ⁻⁻ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˡᵘˡˡᵃᵇⁱᵉˢ ᵏᵉᵉᵖ ᵐᵉ ᵃʷᵃᵏᵉ / ⁱ ᵖⁱᶜᵏᵉᵈ ᵘᵖ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵗᵃᵇ ᵖᵃⁱᵈ ⁱⁿ ᵇˡᵒᵒᵈ / ˢᵃʷ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵍˢ ʸᵒᵘ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ˢʰᵒᵘˡᵈ / ᵐʸ ᵇˡᵒᵒᵈʸ ᵛᵃˡᵉⁿᵗⁱⁿᵉ ᵒᶠ ᵈⁱʳᵗ

[zaacoy]

SOMEONE ELSE ON TWT HAS MADE A TANG OUTFIT IN ANIMAL CROSSING TOO I MADE ONE LIKE A MONTH AGO AND HAVE BEEN WEARING IT SINCE THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS THE SAME KIND OF INSANE AS ME YIPPPEEEEE YIPPPPPPEEEEE !!!! !!

[dxkjf]

Womp womp chess and charlotte sketches i might delete this later but i should post smthn while working on other stuff

Chess and charlotte are literally so so silly in my brain… a lesbian and her cowboy loving bff friends since forever (she gives him hugs and he needs them bad)

Also in Highschool and stuff i think they’re funny as hell cause he’s a total like perfect grades tired all the time and shes just silly culinary food stuff making him snacks for lunch

Whaaaaat omg chess and johnny being idiots too? This day CANT get any better

[goodfellowe]

i draw her a normal amount

doodle dump below cut… might delete them later. am in a silly goofy mood

there were some alternate versions that ultimately i'm not too happy with so i won't post them. personally i really like how the sketch looks though... very gentle and sweet :)

random kids from varying sketch pages throughout the month + bonus bow because she's my sweet baby angel who gets subjected to so many horrors and agonies

[adultswim2021]

Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! #29: “Larry” | September 22, 2008 - 12:30AM | S03E09

A weak episode with some stuff in it I do like. We’re going to leave the meatiest segments for the end. 

First there’s Burps, which is sort of a rehash of Zits. This one has okay ideas, but isn’t really that funny. Tim burps while talking, and Eric asks him questions that inexplicably all have the word “rain” in the answers. It’s a real “spaghetti and meatballs” approach to comedy. That’s not a bad thing, it just didn’t bowl me over here. This recurs later in the form of outtakes where Eric is beside himself with laughter. It’s maybe a little silly to complain about DVD extras, but there’s even more of this stuff in the bloopers on the DVD. Enough!!!

There’s another Tairy Greene sketch that has some amusing moments, and I consider this one “funny enough”. The main idea, where Tairy is making an example of a wheelchair kid for no good reason, is a decent bit. 

Next is another guest star. It’s… Ugh, Rainn Wilson. He does the same bit Patton did a few episodes back of portraying a child singing a song about sexual matters. This one is about peeing in a girl’s mouth to make a baby.

Rainn Wislon is a wad, so I'll digress into childhood stories. Skip this paragraph if you want: I remember when I was little I used literally worry about the idea that a girl from school might hide in my toilet at home and wait for me to go pee, and then she’d wrap her mouth around my childish penis and impregnante herself, putting me at the forefront of a “with child” situation. At my tender age! In my imagination, it was shot like a scene in a movie trailer, set to “Bad to the Bone”, and her toilet prank would smash-cut to a Norman Rockwell-esque portrait of me, looking surprised to have a family. 

Okay, the wraparound segments are a continuation of the Carol and Mr. Henderson saga. This is, perhaps, the weakest of the Carol and Mr. Henderson sketches, but it eventually pays off. Instead of Mr. Henderson being cruel to Carol, they are now fully in love and in a relationship, and the jealous Larry is left licking his wounds, upset that his friend Mr. Henderson is spending too much time with Carol. It’s a tale as old as time. While Carol and Mr. Henderson do some french kissing (accomplished with a “digital snake tongues” added in post; a detail I think I literally never noticed until this watch), Larry sings a mournful song about how his friend left him for “a piece of cooze”, which had to be censored by the network with a bleep. 

The final scene in this sketch is also the final scene of the episode, where Larry just shows up to work with a gun. He shoots both Carol and Mr. Henderson, presumably dead, and then sticks the barrel of the gun in his out mouth and blows his own brains out. It’s hilariously grim and brutal. The twist is that both Carol and Mr. Henderson are wearing bullet proof vests, which begs the question: how the fuck did they anticipate this? Carol glibly states ���this was fun.” mere feet away from Larry’s lifeless body. This is one of my favorite moments in the whole series! It’s the only great sketch in the whole episode!

Needless to say, it’s a little jarring that you can show a guy blow his brains out in a somewhat realistic, inimitable manner, but “cooze” needs to be bleeped. As with other Carol/Mr. Henderson sketches, there are plenty of outtakes and deleted material. We see Eric perform yet another one of his own stunts; keen readers of this blog will recall his brush with head-trauma in the first Carol sketch when Larry smashes a candy glass coffee pot over Carol’s head, which wound up cutting Eric through the wig. The stunt in this episode involved Eric diving in front of Larry’s bullet to save Mr. Henderson. In the blooper reel footage, you see him narrowly avoid banging his head directly into the cubicle desk. ERIC!!! WATCH IT!!!! 

EPHEMERA CORNER:

MAIL BAG

I can think of a lot of things that would get RC cancelled. S11 was the first season in a while to not get an emmy nomination, Lazzo's not around anymore to keep greenlighting it, It got over 3,000 sketches which is plenty stockpiled to live off of youtube views, anytime I saw people mention it online they were surprised it was still running, Seth Green's embarassing NFT debacle that even his own writers and other NFT guys made fun of him for, COVID (that's what killed Shivering Truth), etc.

Good call. I too was ignorant about Robot Chicken's status, but that was because I hated it. Lapsed fans being unclear on that detail is definitely a sign.

[crazycookiemaniac]

I feel a little silly for posting this so I may delete it later, but I was doodling with a pen that kept blotching ink all the time and idk, I kinda liked this sketch so I thought maybe I should share it? Although I'm not sure this one is good enough to deserve a post of its own, so again, I might archive it later lmao

[ask-protoheroes]

(if you missed the new update with Katsuki and Yamikumo, click here to see it!)

So, I left the blog collecting dust for over a year. No way around that.

For those of you who had been following it back when it was active, you'll remember I'd have intervals of months between the last updates - a combination of being busy with IRL and struggling with art. The real catch though was planning out a LONG string of comics for the current sleepover/dares arc, which would require me to sit down and work on it for a while- and with the knowledge of how LONG this comic would be (for ask blog standarts) plus me being busy, I just didn't reserve myself time to start. And I put it off. And time passed. And the more time passed, the guiltier I felt! And it just rolled up on a snowball.

So one year passed and either I would pick this blog up again, or never would. And it's something I hold dear to my heart! I had a lot of fun running it, and didn't want the expectations and pressure I put on myself to ruin that fun. Y'know, putting all your work's worth on feedback can really ruin things for an artist. I'm still trying to balance everything, and I can't promise I won't go on more big intervals between posts again, but I'll do my best to not leave it for such a long period of time again.

So before I get any more lenghty, here's how we're kicking this blog back into action:

There'll be three and a half more posts for this event - two of them are already sketched, only need colors and text; one and a half are scripted. Each of them has multiple panels. So the asks that will go on each were already picked from the inbox; I will probably not include any new dare asks in the upcoming posts, unless they are similar to the asks already picked.

After I'm done with this long ass event, I'll be looking at doing smaller updates with much fewer panels so I don't sabotage myself again. I'll only do a long thread of posts with multiple panels again when I have free time OR by drawing them and holding them instead of immediately posting, so the gap between updates isn't too big.

You'll notice the color scheme changed - thought it was about time since my skills at picking nice colors improved a bit. You might see the style still fluctuating on the next posts since I recently acquired Clip Studio and gotta make sense of it.

I'm shooting for a minimum of one new update per month. I'll do my best to keep with it!

Since I might get new readers now that I'm active again, I'm going to clean up the ooc tag and delete old promos. I will still reblog new promos of currently active blogs though- feel free to request a promo if you're a fellow ask blog!

I'll still be logged in on my main @sonreiv more often though, so if you need to reach out to me ooc, hmu there.

I have old submissions that I remember were perfectly sfw fanart some of you sent to me (and I didn’t answer cause I had threads going on at the time, sorry!!) and that tumblr’s stupid algorithm blocked and now I can’t see or even delete them. So if you’d still like to, feel free to re-submit anything you submitted to me in the past.

Since the canon plot advanced a lot in one year, I’m looking at considering canon in this blog’s timeline only the anime events! I’ve been cooking some other details, but I’ll get to them later.

That said, I'm honestly anxious about bringing back this blog since tumblr's activity dropped A LOT the last months. What has been motivating me lately was the feedback I have been getting on instagram since I started posting protoheroes there - follow me if you have one! - and I still want to keep tumblr as the main platform for posting and receiving asks since the whole blog was shaped around it.

The feedback I got from this silly blog means a lot to me, and while I don't want it to be the sole motivation - I want to have fun with it! - I'll be so grateful if some of you guys still stick around to see where I lead this story. You know I don't answer ooc asks, but I'm super grateful for all the positive messages I got over the time behind the scenes of modding these two dumb nerds.

Thanks for joining me and hope we have a nice ride from now on!

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Feeling the Heat

Chapter 3

Here’s an unexpected final chapter because @feelingsinwinter is an enabler.  Enjoy!

~Dracusfyre

James scowled thoughtfully at Tony over the top of his computer.  They’d had three dates now but they hadn’t gotten any farther than some enthusiastic necking on the couch; not that he was complaining, per se, because getting to put his hands and mouth all over Tony was more than he’d imagined he would get a month ago, but…he wanted more, goddammit.  

So maybe he was complaining.  But he didn’t know how to take the next step.  In his admittedly less than perfect memory, he remembered dancing and flirting and kissing and going all the way with some ladies before the war, but all of those memories were tinged with the feeling like he was getting away with something scandalous.  He didn’t want scandalous with Tony.  At least, not any more scandalous than just being with another man was, though he understood that people didn’t mind that so much these days.  So did he push for more? What if Tony wasn’t ready? Was three dates enough to want more? Or was James being impatient because he’d already spent so much time fantasizing about Tony?

Across from him, Tony continued humming under his breath, hand flying over the paper as he sketched something that looked like it might have been new stingers for Natasha, apparently oblivious to James’s frustration.  James drummed his fingers on his computer and after a moment, opened up the internet.   Making sure that his screen was angled away from Tony, he typed, “How To Seduce a Man.”

He got halfway through the first result – Cosmo’s “How to Get Your Man and Keep Him” before he had to leave the page, horrified.   The next page wasn’t much better – James’s eyes narrowed as he tried to imagine how he would look in makeup and sexy lingerie and snorted softly to himself.  Not his thing. But what if it was Tony’s?  James thought uncertainly.  He looked up at Tony again and then decided to shelve the thought for later. Much later.  

On a whim, realizing that this whole endeavor was a little silly, he deleted “a man” and typed “Tony Stark.”  A bunch of pictures came up, pictures of Tony in various stages of disarray and looking much younger.   But near the bottom of the screen was a suspiciously specific link, “Five Ways to Get Iron Man in Your Bed, Plus One Way You Got Into His.”  Clicking on it, James realized that it was a story; probably not a true story, he figured, but entertaining nonetheless.   It was written to make the reader feel like they were part of the story, which was pretty neat; James had never seen something like that before.  

Ten minutes into reading it, however, James suddenly realized where it was going and he shut the lid to his laptop sharply, face aflame.

The sound and the sudden movement caught Tony’s attention. “What’s up, Terminator? Find something scary on the internet?” he asked, glancing up from what he’d been sketching.

“Nothing, I’m just… hungry,” James improvised.  “Do you want anything?”

Tony gestured to a half-eaten bagel beside him, only to realize it had gone stale and hard a long time ago.  “Sure,” he said.  “If you’re getting something.”

A few days later, they had another date. Another sweet, romantic, intoxicating date that left James restless with unresolved sexual frustration.   Throwing himself down on the bed, he smoothed his hand over the top of his laptop, torn, before he growled “What the hell, why not?” and opened up the website that he’d been reading before.

By the fifth date, James had a much richer fantasy life about Tony than he’d had before.  People on the internet were inventive.  He had started making a wish list for when or if he ever got Tony naked.

By the sixth date, James was desperate enough to get Ideas.

                                                    ***

“Man, its cold in here,” Tony said suddenly, and James had to hide his satisfied grin. He held open his blanket in invitation for Tony to cuddle next to him for warmth, but instead Tony went over to the thermostat.  “Odd, someone turned the temperature way down.” He tapped the screen a couple of times.  “There. Be right back, I’m going to get a sweater until it warms up in here.”

“Goddammit,” James said to the empty room.  

                                                   ***

That weekend, Tony got called to an emergency meeting at Stark Industries’ headquarters in LA, and with nothing better to do, James jumped at the chance to fly with him.  Private planes meant no metal detectors and better food and oh, hey, would you look at that.

“Oh, no” James said.  “There’s only one bed in here.”

“You can have it,” Tony said absently, already pulling his laptop out of his briefcase. “I’m not tired, and I’ve got a lot of work to do before I get there.”

James sighed with resignation and fell face first into the bed.

                                                   ***

Enough being coy, James decided.  He looked at the clock and kicked off the covers, throwing the pillows around the room, and with a little guilt, ripped a hole in his mattress. Then he padded quietly to Tony’s room and knocked softly, opening the door when he heard a mumbled “what?” from inside.

“My bed was destroyed,” James said, trying to sound rueful and/or regretful. “Can I sleep here?”

“Nightmare?” Tony said sympathetically, jaw cracking on a yawn. “Sure.”  He moved over and grabbed a pillow from the foot of the bed for James.   Once he was under the covers and comfortable, James kept very still, wondering what was supposed to happen next.  Then he heard Tony’s breathing level out into sleep, slow and steady, and James inched closer, trying not to wake him up.  It felt like a gift, Tony trusting him enough to fall asleep next to him, and as James held on to the warm feeling in his chest he fell asleep as well.

 Well, it didn’t happen like it did in the stories – James woke up on his side of the bed, and Tony was still on his, but watching Tony go from asleep to awake was a reward in and of itself.  James could hear his breathing change, and his heart speed up, then he stretch with a long groan that ended on a deep exhale, almost a sigh.  He cracked an eyelid, and when he saw James next to him the smile on his face was like sunrise.

“Morning, Terminator,” Tony said, features still soft with sleep.  

James reached out to trace a line on Tony’s face left by a wrinkle in his pillow and blurted, “Do you want to have sex with me?”

Tony didn’t look surprised. With a half-smile and raised eyebrow he said, “Right now?”

James ran a tongue over his teeth and checked in with his bladder. “Maybe not right now.  Just…in general.”

That made Tony laugh, but as he did he moved closer and curled himself against James’s body, tucking his head under James’s chin, and sex or no sex, James could have died happy in that moment.  “Of course I do, James.  But have you ever had sex with a man before?”

James gently wrapped his metal arm around Tony to hold him close as he thought.  “Only some quick, terrified handjobs during the war,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s kinda what I thought,” Tony said.  “I’ve been trying to let you set the pace, I figured you would say something when you were ready to take the next step.”

That made James’s brow furrow.  He pulled back so he could look Tony in the eyes. “Me?” he said skeptically. “I was ready to take the next step three dates ago.”

“Yeah?” Tony leaned up on his elbow.  “Wait, is that why you’ve been acting so odd?”

James winced. He’d hoped Tony hadn’t noticed. “Yeah, probably.”

“I see.  Well in that case, how do you feel about a shower?” Tony asked, rolling over James to get out of bed. For a breathtaking moment James had a squirming lapful of mostly naked Tony and then he was gone.

“Ok.  You first?” James asked, trying not to sound disappointed as he threw his legs over the side of the bed.

There was the sound of water running and then Tony, already naked, came back to fist a hand in James’s undershirt, dragging him towards the bathroom.   “Why waste the water taking turns?” he asked philosophically.

[game-meak]

A Proper Postmortem

Maybe?!  Heck if I know how to actually format a good post but let’s try.  As game development went on for almost four years, this is probably gonna be long... and also give away basically the whole game oops!  Read on with caution.

Sometime around July 2014, a month after the initial release of my first game, my room was being remodeled and I was stuck with nothing for free time but a garbage laptop I could do anything on, an old flip phone, my sketchbook, and my 3DS.  So beyond playing an obscene amount of Animal Crossing and Tomodachi Life, I at some point went “hey, what if I made a second game starring the kids.”  So I started trying to plan it out!  And it went

absolutely nowhere that I intended it to go!!!

For instance, this is the very first page of sketches.  This squirrel was supposed to be really important.  It’s not.  I don’t even KNOW what’s up with that duck.

A thing I like to think about before I set off making any of the story, assets, or scripts for my games tend to be themes and motifs.  And I kept circling back to a very important, very personal “theme.”  Without using the internet at large as my therapy couch, I was emotionally abused and taken advantage of multiple times in my life and it greatly impacts how I interact with people to this very day, as you’d expect events of such a degree would.  Particularly, I kept thinking that the RPG Maker fan crowd tends to skew young and be in the teenage range and at ages 14-16, I could’ve used something to help.

Of course, my entire thought process isn’t necessarily one of charity and selflessness.  It was also a way of me expressing what I’d dealt with in ways I’ve only ever communicated with my friends who were also victims of the same circumstances, the closest I would let myself come to personal stories and retellings with a cover of plastic children and wild adventures.  It was also in some ways a way of me verifying to myself that something ongoing was, in fact, bananas and should not have been happening, but that might be another story for another time.

As you can probably guess, Haze and Seal came into the picture since I needed to make two characters who would have this struggle.  A lot of decisions came about because of my personal experience.  They’re 15/16 because I was at the time of the incidents that primarily inspired me to make this game.  They’re both nonbinary because I am.  They love anime because I did (and do...?!)  One of their friends is even directly modeled off how one of my friends looked in high school.  To that degree, I guess someone, somewhere can call them self inserts.  But they’re also not, since I didn’t want to just do a personal retelling with fictional characters.  I’d just write a memoir or something at that point.

Haze’s design came first, and then Seal’s was sort of made as a foil to them.  Haze’s “colors” are pink, black, grey, and red.  Seal’s are teal and light purple... and also black.  Haze had a rabbit motif (which got toned down as I went on), Seal had an owl motif (which is now just a single mention in their list of likes...), etc.

Though in the beginning, the story was entirely different.  Initially, everything took place in the neon-ish areas with black sky and reflective, celestial water (that I, very eloquently, call “spacewater”).  The idea was that Haze and Seal were beings from another dimension and that their “fighting” was causing a rip in the universe that the kids stumbled into and therefore got wrapped up in this mess.  I had an entire script written and started making assets and when I went to sum up the game’s plot in a neat paragraph, I realized... I hated it!!!

So I chucked all I had done by that point writing-wise and started again.

In fact, I rewrote a lot.  After the first it was mostly small tweaks and adjustments, but the biggest ones (and the ones that still present a challenge to me!) usually involved trying to make Seal feel like a believable character.  I had shown an early draft to someone who said that Seal felt too much like trying to get back at someone, so I scrapped a ton of their lines and tried again.  I still worry whether or not they come across too Strawman-y, but I’ve done the best I can and whatever criticism people have can apply to my next writing attempts.  It’s very hard to separate yourself from subject matter you feel really personally attached to.  I don’t want to write them in a way that you immediately hate them, or hate me for writing such a blatant “villain” character, but in a way that you can formulate your own thoughts.  That said, though, I am violently allergic to people who call Seal a “tsundere,” even in jest.  So I guess I want people to have their own thoughts as long as it’s not that specific one...! (;;;;)

You may be thinking “heck, this is a lot of paragraphs in and you haven’t even brought up gameplay thoughts” and yes... that’s very true.  Shamefully, for a game where I thought “I should definitely, absolutely focus more on making it a Fun Game than a walking visual novel” I might’ve actually dropped the ball in that area.  I’d like to think I was more adventurous than I had been with my first game.  Some parts do kind of fall into the “walk to the next cutscene, find a key to unlock the next cutscene” pit, but I did put effort into figuring out what I could do with RMXP.  My obligatory “please don’t use this engine here, people thinking of using RPG Maker” statements here.  In the final product, though they’re very simple, I’m most proud of the chalkboard puzzle and the paint sorting puzzle.

Even if, y’know... I somehow neglected to include the letter “k”

Speaking of, I’m not sure if this is a general RPG Maker thing, a “man I hate RMXP” thing, or a “meaka cannot gamemake” thing, but I had several event/puzzles just up and quit on me a few times.  Like they would work fine for months and months, but one day I’d go to them and just nope, suddenly they’re not working, sorry.  Copy+pasting the event to a new map wouldn’t work, so I’d have to manually redo the event.  One of them was the chalkboard puzzle.  The other was the sliding puzzle when Tony is by herself.  Which I’m also aware slows the game down a ton, but I have legitimately no idea how to fix that... I tried and I could never get to to not lag like crazy.

Like I said, I started in July 2014.  I’d shipped the game off to my beta testers in March 2018.  A vast majority of that time was spent creating the visual assets since everything you see in the game is custom.  All the sprites, all the tilesets, every little pixel of it.  All me!  Needless to say... it was very exhausting and very time consuming. I grossly underestimated how much time I thought it’d take.  I never accounted for the very real possibility of burnout, which is incredibly silly considering I was making something entirely by myself that was also an occasionally difficult subject matter...!  There were quite a few weeks where I touched nothing because I couldn’t bring myself to and even a few times where I just considered deleting everything and cancelling the project.  I knew I’d be mad at myself if I quit, especially as I got later into production, so I just tried my best to make sure I didn’t turn it into a huge chore.  Obviously, there were parts that were more tedious than others, but this game really is a very large labor of love that I put a lot of my heart into.

Part of that time is also a little bit of indecision.  Did you know I went through 3 possible title screens?  I sure did!  I’ve also publicly posted about redoing both Haze and Seal’s bust sprites before.  I almost redid all of the kids’, too, but I didn’t wanna get caught in the loop of remaking everything, so I opted to just leave them as they are.  Most of them don’t bug me as much.  M...most of them!

I’m hopping back on the Story train since obviously that was my main focus, but the decision to have Seal sort of “reveal” their true nature (or at least have a jealousy-related anger burst) to Octavio as an animated cutscene was one I’d decided pretty early.  Which is also why, unsurprisingly, I was debating getting voice actors for a hot minute.  But I wouldn’t have used it anywhere else in the game, so I opted not to.  I also wanted to keep the file size low, but that wound up not happening so much, h-haha...   For someone who uses the only engine without native support for videos, I sure do like making animated cutscenes, huh.

Anyway.  This scene originally bridged Octavio’s section of the game to Pablo’s, which would’ve been (for some reason) in an abandoned hospital.  But that didn’t pan out because it didn’t fit what I wanted the game to be and also by switching the order of the two, it builds up more tension(?) on the kind of character you expect Seal to be.  I hope their very first “fuck off, maybe” took someone out there by surprise!

This also was the point when I decided I wanted to commission an original soundtrack, since nothing quite got across what I wanted at the time.  Which is when I put out my silly ad post and somehow managed to get the amazing ProjectTrinity to compose for me...!  I’m still amazed by the sheer quality of music he made for my little RPGMaker game.

Having the teen characters curse was also something I waffled on for a bit.  Clearly, I dwell on the important things as a writer.  I wanted it to contrast the cutesy, kidlike way the siblings talk and also the sort of squeaky-clean image the witches (particularly Seal) present to the kids by contrasting how they talk to each other, most importantly how Seal talks to Haze and their other friends.  I did have the same issue with the Mother in my first game, but I opted to not have her curse at all either since she’s childish in her own way, too.  But that’s not for THIS game’s postmortem, get otta here!!!

I also very much was set on a “battle” with words being the final event of the game.  Though I had a hard time imagining what that would be initially, but eventually arrived at a sort of fake battle system that was introduced in the mine.  The setting for this battle changed with time (everywhere from the park to the academy and in between) was considered...!  The dirty secret is that while I did like the decision to make it take place in the voids between worlds, I also sort of did not want to draw the staircase in the witch academy.  Originally, the kids would’ve also helped Haze “reach” Seal (who was putting actual obstacles in the way), but I guess in my own way, I wanted to give Haze the ability to confront Seal on their own, one-on-one.  Or something like that...!  I also didn’t want to add too much needless backtracking.

I’m... unsure what other point I really want to make, so I guess I’ll end this here unless anyone has anything in particular that interests them they’d want me to answer!

All in all, this game means a lot to me and took a chunk of my life to make and I really hope it’s able to reach at least one person who might need it, even if it’s only a little. 

To all of you who gave it a try, thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

A shameless link to the game:  [itch.io] & [RMN]

[byjillianmaria]

Getting Started With Scrivener: A Quick and Dirty Guide

So, this is inspired by a recent conversation with @incandescent-creativity , but honestly, it’s a sentiment I’ve heard on writeblr pretty often. “I want to try Scrivener, but it looks intimidating!” Well, I’m here to (hopefully) make it a little less intimidating, by showing you exactly how I use it. Me, a rather non-tech-savvy person. Please note that I’m using Scrivener 3 on a Mac, but the stuff I’m about to go over should be found on just about any version. I also implore you to try the free trial first, because that’s really the only way you’ll know if you like it or not.

Okay, ready?

Why Use Scrivener?

Why do I like Scrivener so much? There are a few reasons.

All of my documents. In one place. All of my plotting, planning, references, and previous drafts are super easy to call up and organized! It’s amazing!

The split-screen feature makes editing and rewriting a breeze.

Because the chapters each get their own document within the document, there’s less lag and it’s easy to jump around!

THE COMPILE FEATURE IS SUPES HELPFUL WHEN YOU’RE DONE DRAFTING.

It auto-saves, y’all.

Honestly, there’s probably a billion things I’m forgetting, but suffice to say, I really, REALLY love Scrivener.

How do I create a new story in Scrivener?

Maybe I’ve sold you on Scrivener, but you’re still a little wary on how to use it. So, I decided to make this test document to show you what it looks like!

Here’s the dialogue box Scrivener launches when you open it. There are a bunch of cool options, but honestly, most of the time you’re going to be just fine with the “Novel” option, found under the “Fiction” tab.

(Please note that I downloaded some of these templates from the internet, just to see. They were a little involved for me, personally. The built-in “novel” template works just fine.) You’ll get a dialogue box that prompts you to name the file and save it to the location of your choice, aaaaand ...

(Click here if you’re having trouble reading this screenshot.)

So, this is what a brand-spanking new “Novel” document looks like! As you can see, there’s a tutorial on how to write the thing built right into the document! But if you’re still feeling a little overwhelmed, I’m going to focus in on four aspects, in order of how I use them:

Notes

Characters

Manuscript

Research

Notes - Where The Brain Dumps Go

So, my first step when opening up a shiny new document is to write down my story idea! The “notes” folder is the best place to store this, I’ve found. Simply click the “notes” folder, then the little green plus sign towards the top left. A new document will automatically be created, and you’ll be prompted to name it.

(Click here if you’re having trouble viewing this screenshot.)

At this phase of the game, I’ll usually name this file something like “Brain Dump” or “Plot Vomit” and put all of my ideas into it. Here’s an example of a finished “plot vomit,” from Morning’s Edge, a silly little project of mine. (Ignore the rest of the stuff for now. That comes later!)

(I’m not including an imgur shot because, let’s be real, you don’t need to read a plot vomit lmao)

At this point you might want to create a more detailed outline and stick that in your notes, too. Or, if you’re like me, you might want to move on to ...

Characters!

Scrivener does this really cool thing where it has a built-in character sheet. When you click the “character” folder and hit the little plus button, it’ll automatically add a character sheet instead of a blank one! To edit what that template looks like, you just have to click “Template Sheets” and go to “Character Sketch.”

(Click here for imgur.)

You can add or subtract elements as needed, or replace it with your own! I find their built-in thing to be pretty good, though. Here’s an example of a filled-out one.

As you can see, you can even upload a picture. I personally love using dollmakers for this (Rinmaru’s fantasy avatar creator is a personal favorite), but you can use whatever you want, or just don’t add any, if you prefer! When you click on the “character folder” it will display all of your character images and it’s just ... really satisfying.

So once you’ve gotten your characters and plot all sorted out, you’re ready to move on to ...

Manuscript - Actually writing the thing!

The basic way to explain the Scrivener manuscript is this: each folder is a chapter, and each document inside the folder is a scene. You don’t have to do things that way, of course—you can delete folders entirely and have each document be a chapter, or whatever. But this is a quick and dirty guide, and you can read the more comprehensive tutorial Scrivener gave to figure out other methods.

The first chapter and scene are already created for you. Give the folder your chapter name (if you have one), name your scene document whatever you’d like, pick a font that tickles your fancy, and get writing!

(Click here for imgur. Note the further instruction off to the right.)

When you want to add a new scene, just click the plus button! When you want to make a new chapter, highlight the current chapter folder, press the little arrow NEXT to your plus button, and click “new folder.” (If you accidentally create a chapter, just click-and-drag it to its rightful spot! You can also rearrange chapters and scenes easily by clicking-and-dragging. Another nifty feature.)

It’s worth noting that selecting “Manuscript” will show all your chapter folders with descriptions, and selecting one of your chapter folders will show all of your scene documents! If you don’t add a description, it will display the first few words in the document.

It’s beautifully organized, you guys.

While I’m writing, sometimes I need to refer to something. I dump all of those things right into ...

Research - My Catch-All

So, I don’t know how everyone else uses the research folder, but this is how I use it.

(Click here for Imgur.)

Anything I need — photo references, old drafts, and things of that nature — tends to wind up in the research folder. Uploading old word docs is easy enough. Just go to File > Import > Files. You can even upload full web pages to reference! (These sometimes lag, though.)

To reference something in your research folder while writing, just click command, option, and = at once. This will split the screen and let you open up two things at once!

Scrivener has a lot of powerful features (including the compile feature, which I’m not touching on here but lets you export your complete manuscript in a bunch of different formats, including ebook), but this is all you should really need while drafting. If you want to learn more about how Scrivener works, Literature and Latte has a lot of very helpful tutorials that you should definitely check out! This is just how I use it.

You can download Scrivener’s free trial here! If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out :) Scrivener lovers, feel free to share your own reasons for loving Scrivener!

[sennalily]

Reflections from a NaNoWriMo veteran

So I’ve done NaNoWriMo since 2008, and I've won every year. Hilariously, my cumulative word-count from 10 years is 503,605, meaning I've won by an average of 360 words each year - if that isn't precision, I don't know what is.

I thought newer NaNoers might find it interesting to hear my reflections on how to get to 50,000 year after year. It is up to you to decide whether or not 50,000 is your goal, whether it's a sensible goal, and whether it's how you want to write. Ultimately, a NaNo where there are more words on the page at the end of the month than the beginning is a successful NaNo.

Be determined

NaNoWriMo is a huge thing to undertake, and there are times when it just isn't going to feel worth it (somewhere around Day 25). At those times, you just need to feel, through gritted teeth, that you want to see that 'Winner' page and get that purple badge on your profile more than you want...

... sleep.

...to be an interesting conversationalist. (Your brain will be so fried you won't be.)

... to be a good friend. (You will have to decline social events to drag yourself home and write. You will become extremely self-absorbed.)

... to write something good, or even usable. (Seriously, the first year I did NaNo I realised 30,000 words in that my story wasn't really viable, so most of the rest of what I wrote was the MC learning how to do random crap like play the harp, do square dancing, and run a farm. It wasn't good, it wasn't useful, but dangit it got me to 50,360 words.)

Seriously, getting to 50,000 words is an exercise in sheer bloody-mindedness for most of us. Embrace it! Mind over matter/common sense/sleep!

Life will happen

Ultimately, there are some things that trump getting your novel written. One year, my grandfather went into hospital on the 25th of November; the only reason I hit 50,000 that year was because I'd been writing 2,000 words a day so I was already basically there. I certainly wasn't sneaking off from his bedside to get my words done.

There are other things that will make it more difficult, and that you will just have to choose what you want more (see above about determination): 50,000 words or sleep/friends/a life/overtime at work. I've done NaNo when I was unemployed and bored and had nothing else to do. I've done NaNo around university study. I've done NaNo around three different jobs that were different levels of demanding and took up different amounts of my time. Interestingly, the easiest years for NaNo were the ones when I was early in my career, working an office job that wasn't too mentally challenging. NaNo while studying was a bugger, and NaNo while unemployed and broke was surprisingly tough - a certain amount of time constraint forces you to prioritise.

Understand your rhythm

Depending on what's going on in your life, and the kind of writer you are, different things will work for you.

Most years, I've gone with the approach of sitting down every day and writing 1,667 words and not getting up until they're done.  One thing I've noticed is that 1,667 is actually a bit of an awkward number of words to write; the first 1,000 words each day are the hardest, while you get back into the mindset. Then you have 700ish fairly fluid words, and then it's done. 

Actually, writing on to 2,000 words is often not that much more difficult, and will give you a nice buffer for dramas later in the month. When I was early in my career, I used to write 2,000 words a day, with the goal of getting to 60k over the month (as my lifetime total demonstrates, actually what happened was I hit 50k on the 25th and then clocked off...!) As I've needed more of my mental bandwidth at work, I've moved to an approach of writing 1,000 words a day during the week and catching up on weekends. One year I got two days behind early on and that year was such a grind that I literally had to make that up 100 words at a time over the whole rest of the month. Not a good year.

Speaking of catching up, know how much you can realistically catch up. My wordiest day ever was 6,200 words so I'm not the kind of person who could sprint out 10,000 words in a day to catch up if I got a long way behind. In fact, in general 5,000 is pretty much my max in a day. So if you're like me, you need to be disciplined and not get too far behind; whereas if you can bang out 10,000 words in a day then you can be a bit more relaxed about that.

Planning out your story does make life easier and results in more usable stuff.

Planning during NaNo is hard because you're tired and you always feel like you should be writing. If you can force yourself to, plan out (or at least have a sketch in your head) the plot you need for all 50,000 words before you go in.

... That said, I usually don't do that. Because I am not a planner.

Don't expect to (always) write something good

Look, at some point you're going to get home late from work, bang out 1666 words that are crap and you know they are. It's going to happen. Make peace with it. (I've often gone back much later and found passages I wrote in the depths of NaNo that were surprisingly non-terrible - so maybe it's more accurate to say you should suspend judgement about whether it's good.) 

If you do Word Sprints, then you're going to find yourself writing 600 word blocks that are detailed descriptions of buildings, or long musings from your character, that stop the action completely and will bore readers. 

Sometimes you're going to write off the end of your plot and not have enough energy to figure out exactly what should happen next, but it's 10pm and you've only written 500 words and you need to go to bed, so just make some crap up and accept that it might get deleted in the next edit.

If you decide to write historical fiction or something else that requires a lot of research... come to terms with the fact that things are going to be wrong. That is what editing is for. If you're the kind of person who needs to get things right, let yourself research (it'll just drive you crazy if you don't), but know when to call time, leave yourself a **CHECK** flag, and move on.

Edit if you must... but don't delete ANYTHING

It's good advice to 'fire your inner editor' for NaNo, but if your inner editor is like mine, that little bugger has tenure, and she's not going to be quiet. So if you have to edit, let yourself edit! I hate the feeling of leaving bits behind me I know are wrong because the direction of the plot has changed, or I need to introduce something sooner, etc. So I let myself edit.

BUT. First, accept that time spent editing is time you're not churning out words. Everything has a price! So edit enough to scratch that itch, then get back to writing.

AND. Create a separate folder in your project, or word doc, or chapter at the end, and copy/paste everything you delete into there. Those are still words that you wrote in November - you earned those words! Sometimes I've got to the point around the 28th of November where I am literally copy/pasting single words I've deleted from the main text into my 'deleted stuff' document.

Be a rebel

The traditional NaNoWriMo is to attempt to write a fresh, 50,000 original novel from beginning to end in a month. I've literally never done that. I've done a few years where I wrote the first 50,000 words of a longer novel, one year where I wrote the second 50,000 words of a novel, one year where I wrote a 30,000 word novella and then 20,000 words on a different project, one year when I took a second run at a NaNovel from a previous year (this is not as easy as it sounds), several years where I interleaved working on existing projects with writing my main NaNo story, etc.

If the traditional approach works for you, great! But if you're 25,000 words in and your story is just sort of over, wrap it up and start something new. Or if you're getting sick of the thought of your MCs, take a few days on something else.

Be social

The years when I've had the most fun doing NaNo (and the writing has felt easiest) have been the years when I've got into the community, going to Write-Ins, socials, etc. You can get a surprising amount of writing done sitting in a cafe, and wanting to be able to tell people at the TGIO that you got your 50k is a powerful motivator to keep going. The years where I haven't got so into the social aspect because I've been busy or just haven't clicked with the crowd, have been less enjoyable on many levels.

Have fun

Seriously. Write something you'd enjoy reading. Don't go in thinking you're going to write the Great [Nationality] Novel. You might end up doing that! But what's going to get you through the month is writing something you enjoy because it's silly, funny, dramatic, dark, romantic, etc, or write the thing you've been wanting to write for years. My two best NaNos were the year I wrote the story that had been in my head since I was ten years old... and the year I wrote a silly romance novel structured around my favourite Gilbert and Sullivan songs. 

For me, doing NaNo has given my 50365 words I wouldn’t have had otherwise, wonderful friendships, a sense of myself as a writer, and stories I’ve been able to share and that have found an audience: Philomena, The Crown’s Price, The Forest’s Heart, The Time-Traveller’s Choice and In spite of all temptation were all at least part-written during NaNoWriMo, along with many other stories that have yet to (and may never) see the light of day.

Ultimately, the 50,000 is a target. If you get there, great! If you don't, oh well, at least you have more words! If getting that purple badge is your goal, I hope the above is helpful. Other veteran NaNoers, what are your tips for getting onto the Winner's page by 30 November?

[adie-dee]

A couple of things that have worked for me that might help:

Start further down the page and a few paragraphs in. This works for me when my block is starting a chapter and I can’t work out how to get to the meat of the chapter. It’s like writing the body of an essay before the intro

Write stream of consciousness stuff over what you’re thinking is making you stuck. ‘I’m meant to be writing Bethany in an argument with the person who wants her dead, but why would either party willingly get into this argument? Alright, so Bethany is definitely doing it to waste time, given she can only die in a certain window, and…’ I find that if I write like that for a bit, knowing I’m going to delete it later, gets my brain primed for actual writing. It’s not wasted hours, it’s a rough sketch with words. And I find I’m able to write properly after a bit of it. Could even use it to summarise what’s to come, or expand on and plot points you have, to test if they’re in the right order.

Change the colour and style of your font. Seems silly, but somehow it works.

Change where you write. Like if you usually use google docs, try your notes instead. Or an email. Or tumblr draft. Same as above. Make it look different.

Hope these help, otherwise feel free to ignore

Cannot focus. Tired af. Leave an ask or kick me to get my butt writing words instead of staring at a cursor. Curse the cursor... The ever-blinking omen of inevitable doom and wasted hours.

[not-talking-about-pancakes]

A Pirate’s Treasure

This was my contribution to the Captain Swan Storybook, Part 2 which can be found here. I am just finally getting around to posting it in full here and on A03. I hope you read it and enjoy this little deleted/cannon divergent scene from 6x4-”Strange Case” of Killian moving in and Emma going through his box of memories, kind of like the way he went through her’s in season 3. Enjoy! Art work is by @jemmingart

Find it HERE on A03!

“Well, this was definitely not how I’d imagined today going,” Emma said with a sigh as she unlocked her front door and walked inside, Killian following behind her.

“Aye, love,” he agreed, shutting the door behind them, “though we ought to have learned by now that plans never work out well in this town.”

Today had definitely not gone as planned, though it had started out nice. Her parents had come over with her baby brother to make breakfast for her and Henry under the guise of celebrating her mom going back to teaching. But Emma was pretty sure this had more to do with her father trying to hide the fact he was a little upset his (not so) baby girl was having her pirate boyfriend move in with her. David had come around quite a bit on his feelings towards Killian, but he seemed to be harboring some reservations about something. And she didn’t think it was just a fear of fewer family get togethers at Granny’s like he claimed. (Killian would have teased him about being old fashioned and not wanting his daughter to shack up with a man before she was married. Only Killian would have said it with more fancy words.)

Things had quickly gone down hill from breakfast however when first, Regina and Jekyll showed up at the house to tell them that Hyde had broken out of his cell. While she and David went off to find him, Killian called to say that Gold had showed up and in an effort to protect Belle from Mr. Hyde, had placed a protective spell on the Jolly Roger, effectively trapping Belle on board. He didn’t want to leave her if she was in danger, so had agreed to stay a while.

But naturally, all hell had broken loose when the good guy turned out to be the bad guy, a fight took place and Jekyll and Hyde had both ended up dead. Which of course left Regina believing that the only way to stop her evil half was for both of them to die. Emma wasn’t so convinced, and as the Savior she was determined to find a way to stop the Queen and not harm Regina. But right now, she just wanted to curl up on the couch with her boyfriend, order some take out, and maybe watch a movie before bed.

“I know,” Emma replied as she toed off her boots, letting them fall where they did. “I just wish there’d been another way to stop Jekyll and Hyde.” She shrugged out of her jacket which she tossed towards the coat rack next to the door but didn’t much care whether it actually landed there or not. When she looked back up at Killian he had an eyebrow raised and a crooked smile on his face.

“What?” she asked

“Nothing,” he answered, shaking his head and still smiling at her. “I just fancy observing you in your natural habitat.”

Emma gave him an indignant look. “Are you making fun of me?”

“Not at all, darling,” he assured her, his grin widening. “In fact, I find your untidiness charming.”

Emma’s face softened and she moved to stand closer to him. “I’ll pick them up in the morning, alright,” she promised with a slightly whine in her voice, “It’s been a long day and I’m tired.”

“It’s your house, Swan,” Killian replied, “who am I to judge?”

“Hey,” Emma said, taking his hook in her hand tugging him towards the living room, “this is our house now, and I want you to be happy here.”

She lead him over to the couch and he set the small chest he’d brought with him on the coffee table as they sat down. “You certainly pack light,” she teased. “Is that everything you have?”

“When you live on ship, that doesn’t leave much room for possessions,” he answered with a smile. “Even if you are the Captain and have the largest quarters on board. However, the things in this box are the ones most important to me, and I like to have them close.”

Emma slid closer to him and reached out to run her hand along the top of the box, taking in the carvings and dents worn into wood that had clearly seen better days. She looked from the box to Killian, smiling softly. “May I have the honor?” She asked, repeating the question he’d asked her about her own box of belongs.

“Of course, love,” he nodded.

Emma tenderly opened the box, and was greeted by quite an assortment of objects. Some of them she recognized for what they were, others she wasn’t sure about. But it was clear, even just looking at the items, that they had been around for centuries and she hoped someday he’d tell her the stories on how he had acquired all of them. The first item she picked up was a shark tooth, and she held it up to show Killian.

“So, did you wrestle a great white using only your hook?” She teased.

Killian chuckled. “Nothing of the sort,” he told her. “It was merely a trinket from a sailor I met in a port as a boy. He said it would bring me good luck, and us pirates are a rather superstitious lot, so I’ve held on to it. Just in case,” he said, giving her a wink.

Emma smiled and put the tooth back in the box. Next she pulled out a rather old and weathered piece of paper that was rolled and tied with a ribbon. She opened it up to reveal a charcoal sketch of a woman she recognized as Milah. Emma had only seen her in Underworld, where she had looked a bit tired and worn from years of serving her penance for having turned her back on her son. But this drawing was clearly a younger Milah, who looked quite happy.

She looked from the sketch to Killian, and saw him looking at the drawing his jaw a bit tight and that slightly twitch he got in his cheek when she knew he was holding back a bit of tension. Emma placed her hand over his brace, which drew his gaze to her. “Hey, it’s okay,” she assured him. “I know she meant a lot to you.”

“Thank you, love,” he said, giving her a small smile, and placed his hand over hers. “I only wish I’d a chance to see her one last time before Hades decided to push her into the River of Souls.”

“I know,” Emma nodded. “She wanted to see you, too. And I really wanted you both to have a chance to make amends. I feel terrible.”

Killian sighed and nodded. “Perhaps we still will someday.”

Emma leaned in to place a kiss on his cheek before putting the drawing back, and pulling out a few of the coins from the bottom. “I thought pirates buried their treasure,” she teased. “What are these, your ‘seven pieces of eight’?”

“I’ve no idea what that is,” Killian said, giving her a confused look. “How can you have seven pieces of eight?”

“Never mind,” Emma shook her head. “It’s just a silly thing from a movie. So, are they doubloons or what?”

“Actually,” he replied, taking one gold coin and one silver from her hand, “they, like the shark tooth are a bit of a sailor's good luck charm. Before leaving port for a journey, you would throw a few coins into the ocean as an offering to Neptune, God of the Sea, in hopes of a safe voyage. Then, you’d take a gold coin,” he held one up, “and placed in the keep of the ship for good luck. The silver,” he held up the other coin, “was placed below the mast to ward off storms and keep your crew safe.”

Emma took the coins, turning the over in her hands. “Wow, you pirates are a superstitious bunch,” she said. “Though, I suppose when one is sailing in a realm after The Dark One, you need all the good luck charms you can get.”

“Aye,” Killian smiled. “Not that they were any match for him really.”

Emma put the coins back, and reached for another item, one that was more familiar. “Alright, I definitely know what this is,” she said, holding up a compass. “But I’m betting you didn’t have to fight Cora to get this one.”

“No,” he chuckled. “Actually, it was a gift from Liam. He bought it for me when we were still rather young lads, just before he joined the navy,” he explained. “I begged him to let me come with him, but I was still two years too young.” He took the compass from her, turning it over in his hand. “It’s broken though, I er...might have thrown against the wall of the captain’s quarters one night in a drunken rage. It wasn’t one of my best moments.”

“Well all have those,” Emma told him. “But you aren’t that man anymore, and you know your brother is in a better place. Even if I still don’t think he was a big a fan of me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Killian scoffed. “He was just protecting me, like he always did. Given time you would have grown on him. Just as you grew on me,” he winked.

“I don’t know,” Emma took the compass from him and placed it back in the box. “But I’m glad you made peace with him and he’s in a better place.”

“As am I,” he agreed. “But I know he’d happy and, despite what you think, I know he’d want us to be happy.”

Emma smiled softly and turned to the box, closing the lid. All the objects tucked safely back in place, Emma closed the lid of the trunk, her hand lingering on the lid. The more she’d gotten to know Killian over the years, she realized how much they really had in common. It was no wonder she’d felt drawn to him almost from the beginning, which is what initially made her pull away. She hadn’t wanted someone getting too close, because she was certain it would only end in heartache when he figured out how broken she was and, sooner or later, he’d leave because he didn’t want to deal with the broken lost girl.

But he hadn’t gone away, even when she’d tried to push him. Instead he broke down her walls, helped her to heal, and had taught her how to open her heart again. He made her feel vulnerable, yet safe enough to tell him her deepest secrets and know he wasn’t going to use them against her. Rather, he comforted her and slowly but surely, she had begun to heal. She trusted him more than anyone.

It was that trust and love that had brought them to this next stage of their relationship. Killian moving in. Yes, Emma was nervous she was going to do something to screw it up, but more than anything she was happy. Happy and excited to start this new chapter of their story, where she got to wake up beside him every morning, and kiss him every night before they went to sleep.

She felt his hand come to rest over hers and realized she must have been lingering too long in her thoughts. She turned to look at him with a soft smile.

“Everything alright, love?” He asked, looking at her with a bit of concern in his eyes.

Emma leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. “Everything is perfect,” she assured him. “Thank you for letting me rummage through your box.”

“Any time, love,” he smiled warmly at her. “But, something is clearly on your mind. Care to share, Swan?” He asked, raising those eyebrows and giving her a look that he knew she was having deep thoughts. She always was an open book to him.

Emma sighed. “I was just thinking about far we’ve come to get to this step,” she answered truthfully. “But, I’m nervous I’m going to screw something up, or you’re going to get tired of me being a slob, or hogging the bed and decide it’s too much and you want to move back onto your ship.”

Killian just laughed softly and used his hook to reach up and brush a stray strand of hair behind her hear. “Emma, you’re not going screw anything up,” he assured her. “ I enjoy your...what did Henry call it? Ah, yes, your ‘quirks,’ at least those I’m aware of so far. I look forward to learning more of them, and I hope you’ll learn to love mine. As for hogging the bed,” Killian slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, “you’re welcome to hog the bed any time. It simply means we get to be closer.”

“Okay, Romeo,” Emma laughed, “I got it. What say we order some takeout and then see just how much you enjoy me hogging the bed? I’m exhausted.”

“I think that sounds lovely,” he smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“Good, I’ll order the food, you get the wine out of the fridge.”

It might not have been their most romantic night, but they enjoyed it nevertheless, and there would be plenty of nights in their future for romance, once Emma figured out this vision of her dying, stopping it, and enjoying her life with the man she loved and her family by her side.

[kippielovesyou]

I broke up with my long distance boyfriend last night, he's also my best friend and the person I trust and feel most comfortable with. He's still that person to me and I don't think that will ever change. I had to end things with him because I can feel that he has lost interest and romantic feelings for me and didn't want to be with me anymore, he admitted that. We both think it's not going to work with this so much distance. I was numb all over my body last night but now it's all sinking in -nk

It hurts so much, he's my first boyfriend and my first break up. He started falling out of in love as I was falling and it's shit. I have so many memories, chats, pictures, videos and screenshots of our conversations with him and it all hurts to look at and fuck, I know I'll have to delete all of them eventually but just looking at them already makes tears flow and I feel so awful right now -nk             

(moves over and pats the seat beside me)

Join the club of people whose love life is a mess. (There’s a lot to unpack there, but we’ll leave it at that for now)

I feel so much for you. When i broke up with my first boyfriend, it was weird because I felt numb and then it hurt in quick succession. He was still my friend, but everything was so confusing. I wanted answers. What did I do wrong? Did *we* do something wrong? Can I still save it? Did I end it too soon? All those feelings are normal.

And it took me nearly a year to finally delete all our messages. I couldn’t even read them one last time. Just a mass delete in one day. Just put them all in a folder/album for later deletion.

You might want a bit of distance for a while. I mean, make it clear you’re still friends, but you need space for obvious reasons. Your relationship will be different afterward, but it’s no less precious. He’s still a friend, and he’ll be there to fill whatever friend role you need at the moment.

Coping mechanisms: Find a new show to binge/obsess over (I suggest Neo Yokio because it is silly as hell and Kaz is also going through a break up), start a new hobby, reconnect with friends that you neglected for your boyfriend, stay busy! Seriously, fill your weekends with something, even if it’s binge watching. Take up dance, pick up a cookbook and make every recipe (a Cookbook for Movie Lovers is good, plus it is linked to the Binging with Babish Youtube channel, and he’s got a sweet beard, sweet tats, and a smooth voice. Even if you can’t buy the cookbook, look at his channel it is great!). I went to a museum super early in the morning to sketch. I’m not good at drawing, but I loved it and I looked legit, people asked me what art school I went to. Whatever it is you like, do more of it and include friends if you can. In fact, do something you’ve never done, just to see if you like it. That’s how I ended up finding out I love hiking!

I’m not saying staying busy will stop the hurt, but it does three things. One: distracts you from the numbness/pain you feel at the time. Two: connects you with friends old and new. Three: taking up a new skill set will make you an even better person from someone to be friends with/potentially date.

If I can recommend? The Art of Charm: Getting Over a Break Up. The whole podcast is shockingly good, but this was a good episode. While it’s definitely more geared towards guys, there’s stuff for people of all genders. Whether or not you want to get back in the dating world is up to you, but a lot of it is telling you to get out there and do stuff, and quite frankly, I agree.

But still. Join the couch. I’ve been feeling a million feelings at once. It hurts one moment and is great the next and I’m numb the next day. But I’m ready to get off the roller coaster. Nanowrimo is coming up soon (another good thing to try, even if you fall short, it’s something to do!). I’m outlining my novel for that. I have so many fanfiction projects I put aside because of my own emotional tangle, but I want to get back to them. There’s a a show debuting on Broadway I want to see and I have to organize my friends to go. I want to finish up some things in my apartment. I am so behind on my reading. Hell, i could use some sleep. I’m determined to finish Earthbound, I’m playing an emulation for about an hour or so every night. I want to master the art of hosting a hotpot party. There’s so much to do!

Let me know what you get into! I’m always down for a chat!

And I don’t know which one of my followers/blog stalkers you are, anon, but I love you!

[madebymixy]

100 days: 57-63

“Blessed are the curious, for they shall have adventures.”

~ Lovelle Drachman.

100 doodles from 100 photos in my phone. The story continues…

When I set out on this project, I was talking about it with some friends, I remember saying how ‘it might not be 100 consecutive days, but I’m determined to see this through to the end”.

And sure enough, some days happen where life just takes up too many hours. Drawings don’t get finished or don’t get posted. But every day I do something in this little sketch book, some little finishing touches, some therapeutic scribbles, some color as a background. Something. 

That was until August rolled around. And one week in, out of nowhere, I got sick. 

Illness is something (thankfully) foreign to me. I’m blessed with a body that is mostly cooperative and easy to live in.

So I was utterly unprepared for two weeks of  24/7 hospital chaos after a ruptured appendix!  A week or so later (My usual ‘what day is it?’ state is amplified right now)  I’m still quite woozy, only functioning on about 20% of my usual energy levels.

But I’m back! and the daily practice is resumed. And I’ve missed you!

So let’s get on…

  Here is week 9:

day 57

I’ve felt an affinity with these seed heads since I was a kid. They’re magical. They are like a totem in my life. I suddenly recognised this one day last summer, part of a bigger epiphany that words don’t do justice to. And then I saw these everywhere I went. This one was a cushion in a cafe.

  day 58

Me n my shadow. And my big flopsie summer hat. I have a habit of jumping forward in time and leaving notes for me-in-the-future. I do this I diaries and art journals. Silly things usually or a little doodle. This book is no different, I’ve skipped forward and jotted odd fragments of sentence, sometimes a question. I don’t usually look at it until I’ve done my drawings for the day. Today’s page said “today I want to…”

From somewhere I heard the words “be long”. Long, like i am in this shadow.

Today I want to belong.

  day 59

A Fish Dish. That’s all!

day 60

This is the stained glass cat who dangles in my kitchen window. She has udders on her back. Never noticed that until I came to draw her. Strange… Meow 😉

day 61

A good percentage of my photos are happy accidents, this included, it’s a photo of my tummy – but I loved the stripy pattern too much to delete it.  I was wearing the same top as I drew this, so as a bonus, the two images combined in real life!

day 62

There’s nothing so cosy as candlelight, is there? This mosaic glass jar sparkles as the candle flickers.  Surrounded by shadowy scribbles.

 day 63

Today’s is an almost ripe rhododendron from Kew Gardens. Although now I look again it’s got an air of red cabbage about it. 

    Join me back here next week for the next exciting instalment!

If you missed the previous parts, you can find them here:

Week 1 ~ Week 2  ~ Week 3 ~ Week 4 ~ Week 5 ~ Week 6 ~ Week 7 ~ Week 8

If you want to follow along this project day by day I’m posting on Instagram (where you can also see more WIP & detail pix) & Facebook

Last Chance!!!

Until the end of August I’m offering a special discount in my Etsy Shop to all the folks on my mailing list – so clickety-hop aboard today if you want to snag a bargain!

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Fill out my Wufoo form!

(and I’ll send you my ebook A Year full of Color as a thank you for joining)

100 drawings: back on track 100 days: 57-63 "Blessed are the curious, for they shall have adventures." ~ Lovelle Drachman. 100 doodles from 100 photos in my phone.

[francu-s]

Laments in 3 parts

Lament part I

Not Les Mis related just sayin’... what you find here are: feelings, life and a couple of progress pics to lessen the pain.

I know my posts are... sparse in number, to say the least. I also know that most of my followers started to follow me due to my les mis related drawings. So every time when I felt like sharing some personal details, or write a random post, I was like “ow no, don’t do it, you just waste others' time, nobody cares about your shit and so-called 'problems', they are just whinings anyway (fuck, if you want to know what 'problem' really means, check out the news)."

Almost everyone knows this feeling I guess - when your bitch of mind is your worst enemy.  

But... maybe we should take it as a challenge.

Take it as a challenge and resist the urge to say 'sorry' after telling what needs to be told, or taking the blame for something what has nothing to do with you. Say 'no' to things what you don't want to do, and don't feel bad about it. Say 'no' to shame, sorrow, doubt and fear.

Harder than one might think! I try to live like this since last month and still fail in it every day. Like, I have deleted 5 'sorry'-s and 14 self-degrading sentences so far. I do not want to say sorry for my feelings anymore, or see them a burden what's unfair to share. If writing them out helps me then I have to do so.

To be honest, I wanted to put a "keep reading" button at the very beginning, but then I realized - that's exactly the root of the problem. The need to hide away even from myself, to feel unworthy, and frightened by exposure.  

And the sad truth is that whatever happened in the past, I did this to myself. It was not a conscious decision to close up like a seashell of course, but it's time to take responsibility for myself. I have to open up. I have to re-learn how to let things in, and out. How to let a person close, be an old friend or a stranger. How to trust.

I want to be brave and happy again. I want to get better.  

So I refuse to put that "keep reading" button there.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lament part II

And now... let's practise this "sharing" thing.

I work as an au-pair right now, and the little girl I look after always asks somebody to check on her after bedtime. This person is usually her mummy but she travels a lot (like, for 4 days or one whole week) due to her work, and the task then falls on me. Her mom said it isn't really necessary to do so, though - if she is sleeping she will never know if you checked on her or not. The surprising thing is that this possibility of cheating has never occurred to the little girl. Well, I skipped the check-ons many times (still do) I admit that, but I felt bad about it so I usually crept to the door as she asked, but did not go into the room. Mostly bc she was a very poor sleeper in my first couple of months with her and did not wish to wake her up accidently and screw up my night with it.

It was too good to last for long. After the third time period or so alone, she finally stated the logical question:

"How will I know if you checked on me?"

Lol, how indeed...

So that night I made her very first bedtime note. Just a silly drawing on a piece of paper, a little girl in her bed and a short message (something like "I was here at 21:15"). I made three more at that week.

It worked. She loved them.

And the thing is, her mom loved them even more. She liked them so much that she asked me to draw some more so she can collect them and put them on the wall in a nice frame, well how lovely that would be.

I was flattered and happy, said OK but from that minute I just didn't feel so thrilled about this whole bedtime note thing. As that Lakota proverb says: "Force, no matter how concealed, begets resistance." I have made more than 60 bed-time notes so far but only 10 or 15 which I really felt like, "wow I got I good idea for this one, let's do it" (I might share some of them later on). And this - to be unhappy while drawing and almost unable to perform - made me wonder if it was a good idea to pursue this utopia, to draw for a living. And I don't really dare to look at the bottom of this question bc the next logical one is this: "What to do, then?"

And the answer is... nothing. I don't want to do anything. I feel no calling, no enthusiasm by anything, or not for long enough. And I am tired and numb by fear.

The worst thing that maybe drawing IS part of the problem. ("Am I a part of the cure? Or am I part of the disease?") I can't say I'm happy when I'm drawing but I'm in this flowing, timeless state and I feel nothing then. Nothing in a good way. I thought that helps. But maybe this is just a defensive mechanism on my part - I draw bc it makes (made) me feel safe. I draw to isolate myself from the world in body, mind and soul. To shut down, don't think, just be. To procrastinate dealing with Real Life.

All I know that it makes me angry when I feel like drawing and I can't, or when I have to draw something else what I feel for (even if the former is for free and the latter is for money... especially then).

Btw money - let's get back to my host mom/boss. 2 weeks ago she asked if I would draw a picture for her company. She offered 20 pound for it and I said yes bc it actually did seem interesting, so why not? So I asked about the details but haven't gotten much, only vague ideas. I made sketches, made modifications as her idea got more clear (but not much clearer). Never, ever say yes to a job where the customer has no idea what she/he/they actually wants! (yep it seems evident now...).

I have shoved her every progress, she was happy with them.

Then, at the very end of the project, she said there was a different style in her mind. Hand-made watercoloured picture to name it.

For God's sake, man... She knew how my style looks like. She knew I was working on the computer. She saw all the WIP pics.

I thought back the late week then - all the hours I spent drawing it, all the night I could have spent working on something else, or just sleep. I mean, there was at least 3 days when I did not get away from the computer for 5 constant hours, not even to pee. I was thinking of the burning sensation in my eyes (not crying, just too much hours in front of the computer). I was doing some quick maths then - how much time did I waste on this, exactly?... Let's be gracious here - 20 hours or so.

Let's just pretend for a funny moment that I actually hold a proper job, and also pretend that a proper job can be compared to art.

The minimum wage over 25 is currently 7.20 pound per hour in the UK, I just checked it. If you are an apprentice then 3.40, this is the minimum of minimums.  

When I said OK to this project I did not do it for the money, but anyway, let's just take out our pocket calculator, shall we? (if you mess with the zero then you don't even need one:)

20 x 7.20 = 144 20 x 3.40 = 68

So. At that point, all my sense of humor has left me.

And the worst part? I felt disappointed - in myself. I felt I failed her. That the whole shit is my fault. And that after all this work, I still owe her. I owe her a finished piece of art, watercoloured as she wants, even if watercolouring (OK, colouring in general) is as far out of my comfort zone as it is possible. I am the line-art type and not the colour type of person. But I felt I have to become a master of watercolour for next day no matter what and DO THE THING.

She has been so kind to print the line-art for me. I told her that I try to do my best but for watercolouring you have to use aquarelle paper.

Some harmful, ill determination and maximalism what made me finish this project. I bought paper, brushes, watercolours, all from my own money. I was not even thinking anymore. If any HR manager asks me during a job interview if I am a dedicated person, I shall tell them this story. (Then they can send me away for being such an idiot.)

Yes, I know I am an idiot. What else can I be when I still feel disappointed in myself, convinced that she did not like the final piece and only that damned English Politeness made her say what she said, and that I almost refused to take the 20 pound when she gave it to me today?

I reckon everyone reading this has already guessed that the whole post is about "releasing some steam". Here, I release some of the progress pics, too, out of gratitude that you haven't clicked on the "unfollow" button yet:

The original concept what I got: 1) hares 2) big hats.

Some random sketches and stages:

 She wanted only 3 hares having tea and cylinders like the Mad Hatter's in Alice in Wonderland. (couldn't you just say this much at the very beginning?)

Line art without the hats

Final line-art

Here is the flower border what she asked for (and what I spent one of those constant 5 hours on), and which was not needed after all.

Before colouring

Finished colouring (it's a fabric company and they wanted to show off their new collection on the hats)

Desperate attempt to make it less line-work-ish

Final watercoloured shit

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lament part III

The gall of me. I am not only an idiot, but an ungrateful, selfish one.

I hesitated to post this as my mind has been mocking me with one word during the whole time while writing it:

fanfiction

I plan to dedicate a proper post for this topic alone some time. For now, I just want to say that reading fanfictions is, shame or not, one of the most important aspect of my life. I have been reading them for more than a decade now, but they were my fuel of life in the last for 3 years or so. I can't be grateful enough for all the stories which kept (and still do keep) me going, and the authors who share their work, not for 20 pound or for one million as they deserve, but for free, without any lament.

If I were religious I would say: God bless you all. I wish you the very best and everything what you might wish for yourselves.