#this is a joke by the way im not going to do anything to myself im just really annoyed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ghostyypawzz · 2 days ago

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i hate it.

ihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateitihateit

earlier today i went through old videos of me as a child with my dad. staring at it i couldn’t help but wonder if any of them like how i am now. if any of them expected me to turn out so horrible. i was so happy. i didn’t care. i liked living, i felt nice, i had no issues because i didn’t remember them. the giggles and cheers and broken words from me were so unfamiliar.

he turned to me and just said “it was like a switch flipped when you turned 6 and you cut yourself off from the world”

fuck

why can’t i just disappear? why is this so fucking hard? it hurts. it hurts so badly.

everyday i wake up i feel like a husk. im a walking corpse, i go through the motions of living.

i mimic what i see, i act how i want to be, i hide how rotten i am. i’m disgusting. i’m a disgusting roach and a parasite in people’s lives.

a piece of trash.

i hate looking at myself. my personality, my looks, the way i speak, all of it is so off-putting. i know it is.

the way people stare when i talk and lean in to hear, the way they giggle when i say something stupid. understanding people is so complicated i hate it. i want to pick apart my brain and find where i went wrong. i try to articulate myself differently but i can’t seem to figure it out.

i wish everyone would leave me, i’ve deluded them into thinking that i’m worth staying for, why can’t you see how terrible i am? why can’t you hate me? i hate this feeling. i want to cry but i can’t anymore.

i miss being happy but i’ve been absent from life for so long

i hate that people think anything good about me, i’m a liar and a deceiver. stop wasting energy on me and find better people, stop it just stop. you can see how much of a self loathing person i am so just let me be. it’s obvious i can’t get better, find better people. don’t settle for me.

please just kill me already

when i die, i want it to be a spectacle. i want people to laugh and cheer and smile fondly at it.

how terrible

i sound fucking insane i’m so stupid hah

whenever i grab the letters, the ones they didn’t find and read over them i can’t help but feel a pit. paragraphs of plans, letters, guides of what to do after i’m gone. they never found the most recent one, they found the ones with half-hearted words and comfort. not the ones with messy words.

oh how i wish to not have the want, the worry of being seen in a vulnerable sight

i want warmth but i’ve been so cold for years

what a fucking joke.

im in hell, this is hell. am i even here? what the fuck is going on??? why did this have to happen to me? why am i so fucked up? why do i cause so many issues and spread pain?

please leave me.

well whatever

i’ll shut up now, i need to. i’m just going to say everything’s fine now.

i’m better than ever

i’m happy so people can stop worrying about me, okay? im not doing anything and im not going anywhere. this is just a phase of my life.

i’ve gotten better.

#⋆𐙚₊˚⊹ ⟡#tw #jiraiblr #jiraiblogging #landmineposting #fuck my life lmao #vent #ghosty’s vents #tw sui ideation #i hate this #cvtblr #long ass post #tw self destructive behavior #shedblr

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spaciebabie · 2 months ago

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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!

#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little #''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL #thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them #they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie #i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING #bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit #staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after #this shit sucks dude. it sucks #at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades #im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there #so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone #ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time #i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate #how many days have i been alive #7930 #lightwork #lets keep it goin #vent #trauma tw #trauma mention #wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier #before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced #i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people

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itsalwaysdark · 4 months ago

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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And #make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not #saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was #going to say #like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so #bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the #winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000 #other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but #i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its #been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody #responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple #muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it #but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like #im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good #solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start #all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the #punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4 #im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but #even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think #avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is #like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they #hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be #the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO #difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15 #minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case #it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel #stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and #tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i #tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction #like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint

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millshakes · 1 month ago

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Today my mom and i went out, i had some things i still had left to buy, a powerbank and earphones, we used this as an excuse to go out just before i left for uni. It was really fun we walked around we bought some things we even bought like a wagyu skewer thing, it was my first time trying something like that it was really good. We bought like snacks for me for my dorm and yea electronics. In this mall we usually just eat at the same place over and over again, anytime we visit it, but this time we decided to try someplace new. It was sooo good i bought these small chicken tacos and it was literally so good and there was this drink my mom bought called masala chai yea that was good as balls as well. We really did just use it as an excuse to have some fun before i went to uni, even she was a bit hesitant to send me away, since im the youngest and her baby yada yada.

During the ride home, it was kinda quiet, i was mostly just thinking and lowkey dread. I remember seeing a post describing grief- You think you got over grief but on a random tuesday you just break down. I felt that, I could feel like my mental walls start to crack and crumble a little as i got silent. I could feel the feeling in my stomach. I could feel my body being on edge, it was literally so close to like crying and releasing my emotions. However I just couldn't, all the years of bottling up my negative emotions really did a number on me. And so i just sat there feeling the tears well up in my eyes, but not falling.

This continued for another 20 minutes, until along the road I saw my favourite flower. This flower isn't the prettiest, smells the nicest or anything, but I loved it because when I used to walk alot(now my mom doesnt let me cuz of dangerous dudes, which i think is bs but oh well) the route that i usually took there was a path with this type of flower lined across. I loved putting my hand in the bushes as i walked. It was super soft and if it rained there was always some water inside the flower, it just felt lovely to touch. The sight of this flower really did make me start tearing up(BTW GUESS WAT SONG PLAYED 4TH OF JULY BY SUFJAN STEVENS) I kinda regret not crying there idk it just feels like i couldnt.(@kruxton remember when i said theres a high chance of me crying in the first week of me going to uni, nvm it is so gonna happen i feel it).

#I lowkey hoped il cry before i go to uni but i dont think thatl happen #I wanted to get it out of the way but yea i think its gonna happen at my dorms #Im really glad this is happening i havent rly had anything like this happen to me before #I was getting kinda worried cuz wat if i didnt experience emotions the same as u guys and wat if il never experience something like that #so this is really reassuring #During the car ride i did feel an immense like sadness atleast my body did #But also i was also like joking around with myself and i think this also didnt help with me trying to cry and release my emotions #it was just so natural for me to start crackign jokes with myself tho so idk wat to do abt that #I bought like 5 little dudes il make another post showcasing them theyre rly cute

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iftitah · 1 year ago

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#this girl was joking about another girl in my batch fasting on karvachauth for her boyfriend and it was the light jokes so it was okay #but then she said why is she doing it her caste is completely different from his her parents would kill her #and that how college relationships are only for time being until you're in college and you're there for each other's support #and that nothing in college couples is that serious and they may turn out just good friends in future #and there's no reason to worship your love because it's just 'casual'??!!#ive so many feelings and a little heartbreak #ive already tried thinking about future but you know it 2ould just spiral me and thinking tha ahead doesn't make sense know #logically speaking she's right that we can go through SO MANY changes during the college years and no one knows anything ahead #but idk like i love him its not just oh im in college and ive got a boyfriend to get my nights busier and go on silly pretend dates #i didn't date anyone for nineteen years because i just wouldn't date anyone #its just surprising me as well how i came here so clueless and how everything led to each other and then into us #and i don't say stuff like marriage and kids because that's too huge. just too huge right now to think off #and that's also a way of keeping myself humble #and i would love love love to think about a future too not just yet it's too quick and im okay understanding everything rather than diving #but what she said. is so um its messing with my brain #ofc im not letting it over weigh me not at least from a person who's with multiple seniors #sends all her money to her so called youtuber bf #and goes to private places with some other guy #who's in everything for casual #but i don't know what im supposed to do with it right now #playing around my head #or maybe i should just trust the process

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lith-myathar · 8 months ago

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#i joke about it and all but like. i cannot emphasize enough what an impact it had on me to be uhhhhhb #micro-institutionalized in the way that i was for the first 14 years if my life #and i am honestly going to count the time i soent in ''elementary'' school bc it wasn't a normal school. it was a charter school #that began as a parent organized alternative and swiftly devolved into an authoritarian nightmare #a bunch of people who were simply not ready to educate children let alone ''problem'' children #of which there were MANY because that school got all the kids who had been turned out of public school for behavioral issues #there were hardline rules about literally everything. normal childhood behavior was pathologized and punished and as a kid #you had no way to understand WHY #and so many of your peers were having problems because ofc those ''problem'' kids were typically severely traumatized #or were actively being abused #so even if it wasn't happening TO you you were being exposed to it in a hundred little ways every day #so i was confused and miserable all the time AND was struggling academically bc i had undiagnosed adhd #(or possibly just trauma?? i honestly neither know nor care which came first at this point)#so my mom pulled me and my brother out. him at 11 and me at 6 and said ''i'll just do it myself'' and #raised us in a way that wasn't religious but resembled evangelical or lds stuff #i couldn't watch commercial tv or listen to popular music bc my parents didn't want me exposed to what they considered inappropriate #and while i still had extracurriculars i was always the odd one out bc i had no exposure to pop culture or normal socialization #for my age group #it resulted in me always feeling alone and like i didn't belong. and since most of my social life was my parents and their friends #that was the perfect soup for adultification #i was fine with adults. put me with my peers and i was a mess #it made the transition to high school incredibly difficult but i DID make it #but that was only 4 years still in an institution. everything began to unravel once i tried to move into anything resembling ''real life''#and then my dad's suicide which was a major trauma in early adulthood which only made my mom's grip on us tighten #i did get to START life until 26. not really. and it's just been a game of catch up for the last 5 years #and im so *angry* at the unfairness of it all. at the time and experience and milestones that were taken from me. at how i blamed myself #for it for so many years and the problems i developed because of it all. dissociation and substance abuse and suicidality #the fear that still has a death grip on me #the courage required to just exist #it's *exhausting*

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eli-writes-sometimes · 1 year ago

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I LOST THE GODDAMN NOTEBOOK WITH ALL THE PPP I'VE WRITTEN SO FAR I AM GOING TO LAUNCH MYSELF INTO THE SUN

#this is a joke by the way im not going to do anything to myself im just really annoyed #im fine im so fine #if it isnt in my room then ill be so upset #wip ppp #eli doesnt write sometimes

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antivastalon · 11 months ago

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not been a good day today fellas

#i miss my ex i have no irl friends that i hang out with anymore because of that #cant believe i used to be happy!! lol!!!#thee suicidal thoughts have come back #lost the good old self harm battle 14 days into 2024 #i want to die!!! lol!!!! lmao!!!!!!!!#vent #get me out of here fr this shit fucking sucks #i don’t want to work at this job i have no friends i have no prospects #im scared of driving even tho i just got my permit again a couple days ago #i feel like im never going to do anything productive with my life #i hate the way i look i hate this fucking body i was born into #i hate god etc etc #i cant ever have confidence in a relationship again because im afraid they’re not really attracted to me #and they’re doing it for a joke or something #surely there’s a word for that #idk! i feel like i will never fit in with anybody because of the way i am #(homeschooled autistic idiot raised jehovah’s witness)#not to mention the fact that im queer #god!! i fucking hate everything right now myself most of all #im so sick of this i wish i had a different life #why couldn’t i have been born a skinny dude.#maybe then i’d want to kill myself slightly less #also pls don’t comment on this im going to bed #ill be fine eventually i dont have an actual way to do anything

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roger-paladino · 2 years ago

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Sorry for being really slow with like. everything art related guys I have been going through it so bad

#Im so emotionally and physically burnt out rn i physically can't even talk to my friends without feeling like my heads abt to explode #this is mostly for the people commissioning me rn I can't get anything good out atm #I'm working on them but bear with me for a day or so #so im gonna. mental health break. Im seeing my dad tomorrow and saturday he's getting me out of the house so maybe I'll be back to normal #my mums bf put up cameras that alert his phone when someone moves outside and it just kicked my anxiety up so bad I literally can't handle #the idea of leaving the house and him seeing it on the camera and making a comment lmaoooo #I gotta. get over that but he makes fun of me all the time anyway (in a joking way im just sensitive) so I just expect it #and bc of that I can't leave my house more so than normal #I need to see a doctor abt my anxiety like. bad. but Im too scared of going and wasting their time since the NHS is already strained #which. also comes from my anxiety lol #its BADDDD its so bad I shouldn't be scared to go outside #I do try and force myself and its never that bad but I disassociate the whole time and I feel like im not making any progress really #anyway sorry for turning into a little vent LMAO oopsie..#all this to say I'm very eepy and just need a second to get back on track #.txt

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dexaroth · 7 days ago

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ive already said this before about how ive felt so disconnected from art. its all just lines and poses and specific distances away from the camera, layers of color... something triggered a switch in my brain that is making things just not feel real anymore.

and its like. ok. whatever. its still fun to draw and i get very happy when i manage to draw something good. but i lack the motivation! so.. lemme think.. ah! my characters! perhaps i should try to actually flesh them out as real people, with a past and personalities and relationships..

and the more i read about it the more disconnected i feel. is that all life is about? traits and backstories and being bound to everything that happened to you.. the ways you think and act being somewhat easily traceable to your history..character arcs. stories just being a means to an end(?)

and i also want a world for my ocs to live in that is a bit believable and justifies them, but every bit of advice and apparently common worldbuilding things have all just been done before.

is there any chance of making something that matters when its all been done before or if everything else feels unreal and abstract. is there a point to anything

#the more i try to understand how things work the more things fall apart. and when it becomes unbearable all i can do is distract myself #is this what the dissociation all the cool kids(/s) keep talking about feels like..?#its like losing the ability to see a tower as a tower and just knowing its all just bricks and cement. you cant see meaning anymore #the worst part ive felt while coming up with ideas for my ocs is the conflicts and past part. their characterization #ill think like lol wouldnt it be funny if he kept being fucked over many times and over and over again. wouldnt that be fun to make and rea #and then it hits me. thats just my life. its all conflict after conflict and things going wrong exactly at the worst (but funniest!) time #its like everything is a joke really. or when its not you still dont know why some pieces of art are 'better' than others #i know deep down it doesnt matter if its been done before. i argue for that. the spin every individual puts on an idea is what makes it >#>worth it of course. but i feel like snapping my own neck when i see something that is similar or just like something i made or >#>was literally just thinking of doing it. i never do anything! and when i finally get to it someone already did it! fucking shoot me alread #or i will look at some drawing and be like ah yes. this is the distance between the eyes. the way they drew the muzzle is like a box. mhm #i can do that. i see how the artist constructed it. its doable! and then i go try and fail miserably despite seemingly knowing how its made #everything i ever think is wrong. ive never been right about anything. or if i have..someone already said it before anyways #genuinely hopeless. i wonder if being mentally ill is the cause of this or if i was ill enough it would all spiral back into making sense #i feel like a baby just coming to the realization that a stick figure isnt really a person but some lines and circles and dots #im deteriorating mentally so fast. i think one day ill just collapse on the floor and black rot is going to pour out of my scalp #long post #dextxt

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kavehater · 2 months ago

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Even logging in here makes me feel sick whatttt

#I think I need like a whole break off of social media completely #but then I’d just be staring at the wall #dora daily #like I feel so sick like I’m gonna throw up just from this stupid app #also update but I did a horrible thing …#sigh.#I made something for that girl who keeps making me almost off myself #and I’m tweaking cause she didn’t say anything regarding it #itsokitsokitsokitsokitsokitsokitsok #<- i feel insane #please I can’t rn #(not talking abt the girl im talking abt my situation rn-> ) like this is such torture #like idk what it’ll take for people to believe it’s serious and I’m being serious #like yall do realise im not even joking at all ? I’m literally on the way to being #institutionalised … it’s so sickening like the way this could be all avoided yk #I could be free from this situation but no #I don’t get it I don’t get it I DO NOT GET ITTTT IDOEAKSMSMASNDJDIDO #honestly it’s like the only way anyone will care atp is if I get a shotgun and shoot myself in the mouth live #fuckkkkfkdkoedls #like I don’t understand !!!! why don’t you care abt a person who’s gonna off herself if this keeps going I don’t understand #I’m ngl if you as a person know that you doing something or alternatively not doing something which is very easy for you to do/not do #like if you know an unstable person needs that thing why the fuck would you not do it #like honestly the consequences are your fault if you have the capability yet choose to do nothing #must I instruct everyone on the step by step guide on how to give a fuck !? must I treat everyone like a child ?!#everyone is grown I can’t be acting like your mothers like this #socially stupid people will genuinely cause my death and I’m not even kidding

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giveme-allofthat-ultraviolence · 4 months ago

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I was thinking about killing myself again last night and I was gonna go on this whole ass vent trauma dump thing but I was like oh I’m being a bitch again I’ll just try and suck it up and sleep it off

#spoiler alert!! i don’t feel better at all and i in fact feel 10x worse #^_^#im starting to get lower and lower to where i was summer before sixth grade #that was like #fucking horrible #ngl id go home everyday to just lock myself in my room and cry and come up with ways i could end it #insert pics of many pills and maybe a knife slitting my throat 💞#what was i going on abt #uh #im just yappin #anyways #maybe i should talk to someone about it but likeeeeee #i really don’t trust anyone so #there’s nothing left for me here #i would make a joke about how mcr5 is the only thing keeping me alive but deep down i know that i really don’t have anything worth living #<- for #ive noticed that i just give up now and dont put in much effort #nothing i do anymore is worth anything in anyone’s eyes #hahah she’s going on another rant about how she feels like her existence is worthless #everyone point and laugh #i need to shut up

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none-tadashi-left-hiro · 4 months ago

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hmmmm. Sad

#I feel like I should have progressed more as an artist already #this is literally just bc I’m comparing myself to other people and how fast they’ve improved which I know is a bad idea #but I’m so frustrated bc like #ugh #I’m too autistic for this shit idk lOL #like not even in an internalized ableism way or anything like im mostly joking #like I’m pretty sure any artists im comparing myself to might be autistic themselves anyway #I’m literally just that go and break your ankle in a beautiful cave to explain why you didn’t live up to your full potential post #idk I was having a moment where I was feeling more confident about my art #and I am like I am seeing improvement in the direction I want #like I’m GOOD at learning things #I just suck at knowing what thing to learn and spend enermous amounts of time and effort on #so I’ll get good at things that are distracted from the Thing that I want to be rlly good at cause I get confuseddd #I am less confused now BUT I am annoyed #idk people suck at explaining how to become a good story artist #and I’ve only had like one teacher explain it good and it is so funny bc #he was literally like yeha just fuckin do more storyboards stop prioritizing life drawing #like yeah still do it but #he was like yeah literally where are your storyboards #LOL #my god #and then it’s taken me like 3-4 years to finally fucking make storyboards I like #and finished #like after I was told that #like holy fuck #I know I had it rough but holy fuck I’m so annoyed about that

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squid-ink-on-toast · 5 months ago

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me handling a situation better than my parents even though it effects me more than them, is not a good testament to my character, but in fact a bad testament on there's

#the fact that I have to deal with my parents explaining my trauma but its only the events that truley effected them #and not the events that literally FUCKED up my mental state MONTHS before #Ie my friends making so many sex jokes about vanilla yogurt that i couldn't eat it without getting intrusive thoughts #I do say trauma but it wasn't “PTSD” bad #but y'know in the way everyone has trauma #but it still annoys me that they can have a conversation while im in the room about it without including me #because it wasn't that bad #and then I get told im completely fine and I handled it so well #which btw i didn't #i couldn't be alone with my thoughts and I still am not really good at it #if im with friends and I feel alone I can't stop feeling like its going to happen again #how everyone will leave me behind #i just write stories alot so i don't have to think like that #but of course my dad can rant and diss people i still vaugely care about because they hurt me #even though he is too #“oh looking back on hard times will make you sad of course you're crying when you think about it”#its hard for me to feel anything about it when it feels like when i do im just trying to make myself cry to say i did it #so its not a lie if i go to a therapist about it even if im never going to #vent #i hate this and just want help but its to scary to ask

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our-lady-of-mcr · 8 months ago

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#also god bless my friend who pointed out that im moving up and im going to be in a salon soon and will actually be doing something good with #my life vs the friend who did me this way pretending shes still in high school that freaks out and loses all her friends every 6 months #i wish it didnt bother me. and i know in 2 months im going to have brushed it off and move on like i always do when bad shit happens #but for the wound being fresh this shit just fucking sucks i hate it i hate it i hate it #i made a very very very vague post on reddit just asking for advice #and the more popular reply was someone more on my side who basically said i should tell her to go fuck herself pretty much #and the second one was someone who v obviously did not actually read the post who said it was all fluff and basically defended her even #when in my post i am saying i defended myself while still listening to the shit she says #and i fucking hate reddit bc people are so.....quick to be hateful and judge #and i knew to expect people being hateful but god DAMN like you yourself are basically saying theres not enough info (yes there was) and you #still are quicker to assume im in the wrong #meanwhile everyone who knows her is like bitch we told you to not forgive her last time and now look where you are #and i am not a perfect person i have flaws the same way everyone else does. literally everyone has said and done shit they regret #and i have fucked her over before because she lost her fucking mind on a campus manager and an educator and she told me to find my own ride #home because i didnt defend her losing her shit and screaming at everyone and ended up having to write an incident report (so did the other #girls who watched it happen so nOT just me) anyways now she uses that as an excuse for treating me like fucking trash because she finally #found out about the god damn incident report which made it so now anyone can say i said anything and she just believes it #its such a fucking joke to me because like ????? girl if we were in opposite positions you would have filled out the fuckin report too #granted it was a handwritten letter and not a report but it was basically the exact same thing as an incident report #my bad that a year ago i wrote a letter saying i was scared you know where i live and that youre mentally unstable. funny how a year later i #feel the same way all over again! except i dont because im not scared of her anymore shes a fucking theater kid who needs to get a grip #i cant wait to look at my self tag again in 2 years and be like DAMN REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED #every single person who knows her that isnt friends with her (i am basically refusing to text her friends bc i dont even want to know)#keeps telling me i didnt do anything wrong and ive given her too many chances and she fucks me each time #i just wish she would go get help bro there is something so wrong with her #self

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chlopieno · 10 months ago

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vent ahead, sorry

#hey woo look it's missing my ex boyfriend hours!...#i was happy from breaking up for a minute and now im just so sad. i miss him he was my best friend since childhood and now #we havent spoken for month and half so far #it sucks so much i hate it here. i keep hoping hed reach out to me one day. not to date again but just not to pretend were strangers anymore #i wish i could tell him about my work. about dumb things my cat does. about dumb things i do.#i wish i could listen to him telling me whatever as long as its not hurtful. i wish i was better and didnt expect too much.#i wish my self esteem was higher so i wouldnt regret things i did that i was sure were best in the situation we faced.#i wish i were able to be more helpful and supportive. i thought i was and turns out it was received in an opposite way.#i wish i could send him memes or tell jokes or send uquiz links or picrews #i dont know when it all went wrong man i thought everything was good and everything was falling apart while i didnt even notice.#i hate how short it took to end 15 years of being friends. i hate how i cant even relate to his situation because mine is so similar yet #yet it affected us in such different ways. i hate i wasnt able to do more. i hate that he didnt do more.#i hate that im blaming him for things he has no say in. im angry at being helpless and unable to change anything.#i hate that he told me he loved me amd that he wanted to live with me and then broke up with me less than a month later.#i hate that i made him break up with me. i hate that i put so much hope and emotions and work in it and that he told me he cared #but it was me who was ready to go anywhere for him and do anything for him and it wasnt the other way.#i want to say so much and yell and cry and apologise and yell again but at myself this time and bash my head against the wall #i want to know that someone cares about me as much as i care about them. but it wasnt this relationship but he was my best friend #and i wish i could say that i wish we never dated but i dont because i was happy and i hoped we were happy together.#and every time i asked it was okay and fine and good until suddenly it hasnt been for months and i never knew because he never told me #and i know i cant read minds but i wish i was able to tell the signs. i wish i was less selfish. i thought he wanted what i want #but telling stories about living together and setting up furniture or having pets together was what i thought was for us but was for me only #and i didnt even know #i thought wed be friends forever. yes i thought wed live together as partners too but he was my best friend and i lost him and all i can do #is to cry about it.

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