#this is a generalization but I’ve found most aros/aces/aroaces are like this

[just-queue]

I love being aroace. I genuinely don’t care if I was born like this or my life experiences + being late diagnosed autistic led me here. It’s fucking awesome.

I also love this community. Most arospec and acespec people are so on board with accepting using these labels for however long they apply. Like we will always tell our relatives it’s not a phase, that we aren’t just “waiting for the right person,” yet are supportive of each other when someone decides the label doesn’t work for them anymore. We all kinda band together in resistance to others who don’t get it, but are supportive when some leave the ranks.

Plus I love that there’s little gatekeeping with the labels. Like there are sex favorable asexual people or aromantic people who love romance books and (I hope) they generally don’t feel attacked by the community. I personally have never had an experience where another arospec or acespec person insists I’m not “aroace” enough. I know there are outliers, but for the most part it’s welcoming.

[all-seeing-ifer]

Aromanticism in Academia 2025

For aromantic spectrum awareness week this year I wanted to update my post from last year about academic sources on aromanticism. Some of this is repeated from last year's list, but I've also added in some new books and articles that I've read since last February!

DISCLAIMER BEFORE THE LIST: Due to the lack of discussion of aromanticism specifically in academia, most of what I’ve found are texts that are primarily about asexuality but also discuss aromanticism. It’s unfortunate, but it is also where we’re kind of at right now in terms of academia, so bear that in mind.

Books:

Ace Voices: What it means to be asexual, aromantic, demi, or grey-ace by Eris Young - Definitely has the most focus on aromanticism of everything that I’ve read so far, this book draws from a combination of the author’s personal experiences and interviews with other members of the a-spec community, including aroace and alloaro people. A good source of discussion of aro issues and how they interact with things like gender stereotypes. Also notable for its discussion of QPRs, a topic which I find has generally been ignored in academia about a-spec identities.

Ace: What Asexuality reveals about desire, society, and the meaning of sex by Angela Chen - Primarily deals with asexuality, as the title suggests, but also contains some relevant discussions of aromanticism, including the experiences of aroallo people. If you’re going to check out the book, I would especially recommending looking at chapter 7: Romance, Reconsidered, which features most of the discussion of aromanticism and non-normative relationships

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J Brown - Again, asexuality is the main focus here, but I would still recommend checking out this book as it does still contain some useful discussion of aromanticism, particularly an extended critique of “singlism” (i.e. discrimination of single people) and how it is weaponised against aros. I also find Brown’s criticism of the dehumanisation of aromanticism in media to be very compelling!

Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law - I would be remiss not to mention Brake’s work here. While Minimizing Marriage is not specificallly about aromanticism and deals with marriage reform and the concept of amatonormativity more broadly, I think it’s fair to say that many of Brake’s ideas (particularly her coining of amatonormativity as a term) have become vital to the aro community and aro activism in recent years. Definitely a must-read for anyone interested in deconstructing amatonormativity and in contemporary critiques of marriage as an institution, though it’s worth noting that this is a work of moral/political philosophy first and foremost, and as such it gets very into the weeds of things.

Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism and Agender Identity by Michael Paramo - An absolutely fantastic book by Michael Paramo, editor of aspec literary journal AZE magazine, that combines history, personal memoir, and analysis. Unique so far in that, as the title suggests, it has a pretty equal focus on asexuality and aromanticism. It was easily one of my favourite books I read last year, and does some truly monumental work in trying to trace a-spec history back to the Victorian times, as well as discussing the intersections between amatonormativity and colonialism. I haven't seen a lot of people talking about this one compared to other a-spec books, and I really encourage everyone to check it out!

Academic Articles/Essays:

“Why didn’t you tell me that I love you?”: Asexuality, Polymorphous Perversity, and the Liberation of the Cinematic Clown by Andrew Grossman - A really interesting and engaging analysis of the archetype of the silent film clown, and how it can be read as an a-spec figure. While Grossman uses the language of asexuality, his analysis makes it clear that he is looking at the clown as both an asexual AND aromantic character. Published in Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives.

On the Racialization of Asexuality by Ianna Hawkins Owen - A personal favourite of mine. I think many parts of this essay will be very relevant to aromantic people, particularly Owen’s investigation of how romantic love came to be pedastalised and her critique of attempts to normalise asexuality by distancing it from aromanticism. Available on academia.edu here. Published in Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives

Mismeasures of Asexual Desires by Jacinthe Flore - A critique of the pathologisation of asexuality that also discusses how aromanticism challenges common discourses around intimate relationships. Published in Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives

Sexuality, romantic orientation, and masculinity: Men as underrepresented in asexual and aromantic communities by Hannah Tessler and Canton Winer - Hannah Tessler has published a lot of really great research on aromanticism, and this paper discusses the role of narratives around sex and romance in constructing gender. If you aren't able to access the paper, @the-agent-of-blight has written up a summary of key points here

The stability of singlehood: Limitations of the relationship status paradigm and a new theoretical framework for reimagining singlehood by Hannah Tessler - Discusses how experiences of certain groups (including aromantic people) challenge the typical construction of singlehood. If you aren't able to access the paper, @the-agent-of-blight has written up a summary of key points here

Aromanticism, asexuality, and relationship (non-)formation: How a-spec singles challenge romantic norms and reimagine family life by Hannah Tessler - Discusses existing norms around the nuclear family and monogamy, and how these norms are challenged by the experiences of a-spec people. If you aren't able to access the paper, @the-agent-of-blight has written up a summary of key points here

The abject single: exploring the gendered experience of singleness in Britain by Ai-Ling Lai, Ming Lim, and Matthew Higgins - While this article doesn't directly discuss aromanticism (perhaps understandable considering it was written in 2015), many of the ideas discussed here will be particularly relevant to aro people. A lot of the points made are similar to those that had already been made by Brake and have since been made by writers like Chen and Brown, but this article links them to the ideas of academics like Judith Butler in a really interesting way, and the interviews on the experiences of single people are fascinating!

Still, Nothing: Mammy and Black Asexual Possibility by Ianna Hawkins Owen - While this essay focuses on asexuality and uses the language of asexuality, I think much of Owen's analysis is also relevant from an aromantic perspective. Another really interesting and valuable read for those who want to read about a-spec identity from a more intersectional perspective. Available from academia.edu here

If anyone knows of any other academic writing on aromanticism, please feel free to add them in a reblog! It would be great to use this week as an opportunity to pool educational resources

[spif-lol]

Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week

Happy aromantic spectrum awareness week!!!! I am becoming more aware of the lack of awareness of aromanticism, and that sucks.

But I know so many aro people and I have hope that we can see things change. I guess we'll see.

My Treatise: [Images Described}

As an aroace (flux) person who has only in the past couple of years recognised that the aro part of my identity is more relevant than the ace of it all, I feel compelled to write something regarding the aro community, and the nature of aromanticism. I want to make it clear that I in no way feel that I am representative of the entire community, and should not be taken as such. I hope that what I have to say can have some value.

A Basic Overview: Aromantic? What’s that?

So aromanticism refers to a lack of romantic attraction. It is a minority identity, and many people - straight and queer - do not even know it exists, or if they do, only understand it within the context of asexuality.

One of the big reasons for this is that wider society only thinks of orientation through the lens of sexuality, as the large majority of people experience sexual and romantic attraction as one singular orientation.

This is one of many reasons that pretty much all aromantic representation in media is aroace.

The Split Attraction Model has become very useful for aro and ace people, describing how our orientations aren’t inherently connected as most expect them to be.

The Frustration of It All and Amatonormativity

I am writing this in part because of the anger I have witnessed witnessed the aromantic and particular aroallo community over the last year or so, and a vehement desire to not be constantly associated with the asexual community.

I found this stance confronting at first, feeling that the communities have so much in common and to be gained in solidarity with each other (and of course, many asexual people ARE aromantic), but have gained a greater understanding of this frustration as I’ve ventured further into the aromantic community.

It is common to see aroace people centre their asexuality over their aromanticism in online spaces, likely due to not finding the split attraction model helpful for themselves and combining their aromanticism and asexuality into one orientation, which is totally fine. The problem then comes when alloromantic asexual people or other allo people become seemingly incapable to recognise aromanticism as distinct from asexuality, and it only becomes included as an afterthought.

I’ve realised that it is more common for asexual people to lead amatonormative lives - have committed romantic partners, children, shared property - and this makes thriving in our couple centric culture easier than for most aromantic people - whether unpartnered or in non-normative relationships. This does not mean that asexual people do not experience discrimination, and many asexual people express similar frustrations with the valuing of romantic relationships over all others as well.

Space for AroAllo Voices

There is a somewhat famous inflammatory poll that circulated tumblr at the height of this discussion.

[Image ID: Screenshot of tumblr poll asking the question 'Are cishet aro men lgbt' with the response options being 'Yes', 'No' and 'I don't want to be involved']

This targeted question ‘Are Cishet aromantic men lgbt?’ highlighted the discrimination and dismissal that aromantic people experience - especially in the context of sex.

Aromantic allosexual people are often viewed as inherently predatory for desiring sexual relationships with an absence of romance. Sex is a complicated topic in the queer community (and just in general) with so much stigma associated with it, and in a lot of ways there’s a tendency to uphold puritanical ideas that sex is inherently disgusting and immoral and it can only be made moral in the context of romance. Obviously not helpful for aroallo people (or anyone really).

The framing of this question specifically about cishet men reinforces the fucking stupid fear of predatory men trying to infiltrate the queer community for sexual gratification, though aroallo people of any gender are affected by this stigma. Aroallo people are often dismissed as ‘not oppressed’ or that aromanticism isn’t a big deal, due to people not understanding amatonormativity, or just being bigoted.

Romance is a more nebulous or distinct concept than sex, but much like how asexual people do sometimes engage in sexual activity in spite of their lack of sexual attraction, aromantic people can and do engage in romantic gestures and relationships in spite of their lack of romantic attraction.

However, that should not be expected from anyone. An aromantic person is allowed to not like romance, to be repelled by it, to not want to be around it. It also doesn’t erase somebody’s aromanticism to engage in romance in any form - an ongoing problem with depictions of relationships in media involving an aro and/or ace person is that people don’t seem to understand that an aro or ace person in a relationship will have their relationship informed by their sexual or romantic orientation.

There’s going to be conflicting needs in any space, and the broader queer community is so large that solidarity and organising en masse involves swathes of people who are very different. This is true of the broader aromantic and asexual community.

Representation and support for asexual people is by no means abundant, but the unique perspectives of aromantic people and issues affecting the aromantic community need to be considered and taken seriously.

It’s important for discussion about aromanticism to be able to be had without lumping in asexuality with it. And aromantic people are allowed to be bitter when that doesn’t happen.

Queer Community in Sydney

One of the reasons these issues have been on my mind is because in the past year I have been looking into IRL queer community in Western Sydney/Sydney in general. I’ve been pretty lucky to have a few friends in my life who are somewhere on the aro and/or ace spectrum but community support and activism is important to me as well.

When I looked online for aromantic community in Sydney, I was a bit disheartened to find only combination asexual and aromantic communities that had specific information about asexuality, reports, blogs, etc.; but little to nothing about aromanticism besides a definition.

I have hope that things will get better, even if we have to build it from scratch. In writing this treatise I looked into community in Sydney again and was encouraged to find that the Ace and Aro Collective of Australia is actively seeking aromantic allosexual members for their Board of Directors. Makes me feel like aroallos, and aromantic people in general, are being listened to.

Which is the point of Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week, after all. I’d love to run events for the Aromantic community myself, and see others occurring near me. Thinking bigger, I’d love to see amatonormativity being challenged, and relationship hierarchies becoming a thing of the past, valuing of friendships, queerplatonic relationships, alterous attraction, purely sexual relationships, polyamory and people who opt out of any form of relationship as well. Requires a little bit of societal restructuring but I believe in the power of community grassroots movements. And of pure spite.

[a-chuffed-floating-panda]

Yangchen reference post:)

For my fics about her in general, how I approach writing her and people commonly mentioned in them:) Glaringly semi-canon btw, I began writing before the novels came out; eggs with yolk😤

(This was written in preparation for Yangvik week 25. But I think I’ll link this to most of my works with her or maybe even There will eggs with yolk series.)

I write Yangchen as aro-flux, but a bit more lean on the aro bit and no labeled (pan or queer would fit, though, no? Aro-spec is also something extremely nuanced and some might not relate to this portrayal. If I’m using the terms correctly, this would lean romance positive)

Like, those things most people experience when they like someone, the butterflies, the uncontrollable smiles, sweaty palms, tunnel vision when she sees the other person? That isn’t something she can’t relate to others with that deeply. She’d be confused, but flattered since she can see that it means something to the other person.

I’m not joking when I searched the internet for aro peoples povs in relationships. (I have an entire folder just for this and I even wrote two fics to see if I could write it in a way that showed the person was aro. Does that make sense? Not aroace, just aro-spec, y’know?- The Dronma stories, 1 and 2) One big thing I found then, is not seeing certain acts and gestures others might see as inherently romantic. Like kissing, cuddling, sex, that’s not inherently romantic to some because where does the boundary change? When does something platonic become romantic? (I found this sooo interesting)

I read somewhere, like a confession forum or something, where sex is a normal part of an aro individual and their poly friend’s friendship (I ofc didn’t save this into my folder bcz I can’t find it😭😭 I found it super interesting, though, and I’m adding it here)

Yangchen’s feelings scale: best friend= 😁😚 warm= ☺️😚 and Warm?=😳☺️🥰

- - I don’t know where to add this point so I will add it here, Yangchen doesn’t get jealous. Like at all. A bit possessive maybe if she hasn’t seen them in a while and really wants to spend time with them, but not jealous. She can’t pick up if someone is jealous either, they’d have to tell her. - - -

- - how she navigates relationships and understands them to a degrees, comes from mirroring other relationships she’s seen around her and books she’s read- - -

And that’s something I’ve kind of mentioned in small ripples in the surface (ch2). Those lines blur for Yangchen. She doesn’t see kissing and sex as something just for couples. Why attempt an awkward hug when a kiss could convey it better to show how happy she is that this person achieved this thing they worked so hard on? (If they’re okay with that, like a ‘warm☺️😚.’ Platonic kisses big thing; I have a fic idea for this)

Same with sex, too. She doesn’t mind at all as long as she can have a moment to herself (mentioned in a Cup of Chang helps with most things- “She actually finds some sexual acts easier than romantic ones.”) because in a way, it can be a way to show affection. To act can be easier than to talk sometimes. She’ll go along with things or try them if she’s curious (this is apparently a sex positive ace ish viewpoint; to have sex just to research if this one thing is really like that) Yangchen ends up more experienced than Kavik because of this:) she is curious enough to try.

To kind of add onto the previous bulleted point about aro person and their poly friend: Yangchen doesn’t outright define anything regarding relationships. (Small ripples in the surface ch1; they just are, you know? Like how she describes Amala and Youta to the team? “Is she your friend? No. Your girlfriend then? Not quite that either, but sure.” | “Is he your boyfriend? Sure let’s say that.” | “Do you want to be?”, “Then you are!” she exclaimed, smiling. “There’s no need to think harder about it than that.”) but she knows that it’s a bit more important? Like, with Kavik bcz he’s an easy example (Warm?😳☺️🥰) she knows that their relationship would be more important compared to someone she kisses on occasion. (warm☺️😚)

She will call them lover/boyfriend/girlfriend for conveniences sake. (I will also link this post of mine here. No one can tell me she wouldn’t have fun with that)

“Have a moment to herself”= Tea analogy. Maybe the tea is too hot, but she still likes the tea so she’ll take tiny sips or wait until it has cooled down to resume drinking (I was once small enough to imagine I could fly away on a lemur made of cloth- a moment where she denies Kavik the act of comforting her, but comforting her comforts him, so she compromises by wrapping a blanket that smells like her around him)

But since it’s aro-flux, it’s intense when she experiences romantic emotions. Intense, kind of want to throw up, gorge on favourite food, dunk her head in ice water and soar in the sky, like that. A rush of happy emotions that leave her flustered and unable to speak properly for a couple of minutes because, you like her? You like her?? You can do stuff together and that’s special? You want to do those stuff with her?? Thinking process like that. (Alsooo!! Aesthetic attraction!! That’s a big thing!)

The no label/no preference. I’ve had that head canon before the books even came out and those head canons are stuck. Yangchen grew up with girls, she is curious to try and there were undeniably other girls also curious to try. (She’s also more comfortable with showing affection with women because that was what she grew up with. This can also be said about the monks btw) And the mental image of Kavik and Yangchen having a contest about whose mouth and fingers are better at bringing someone to an orgasm won’t leave my mind. So there’s that:)

Kavik had a bi awakening in I was once small enough to imagine I could fly away on a lemur made of cloth and I’m gonna go with it, so… that can add on more fun to that contest of theirs. (That’s gonna be fun to write, that’s gonna be sooo fun to write, bratty sub Kavik🤭 but a bitch for me to tag because idk how to tag relationships dynamics like that or if I even should)

I think I got down most of the important thoughts regarding that?🤔 I will come back and add if I remember something I forgot or tell me. I will move onto the next topic.

Names mentioned often.

*sigh* okay, I’m not joking when I say giving in and writing yangvik almost completely derailed the plan I had in my head, both regarding Yangchen and my own lore and worldbuilding. Thank you Mal:D I had wanted to approach how Yangchen views and feels about relationships more gradually and Jamyang was supposed to have a training arc, but I gave in and wrote smut light instead and now I’m trying to fix the consequences:) So because I gave in, I now have to do a couple of things backwards. Okay that outta the way.

Commonly mentioned names:

Jamyang: Her aunt, actual aunt related by blood; ends up purging the western temple at some point. Gawa is mentioned often with her, they’re married, spirits intertwined. Jaya is Jamyang’s best friend. Gyaltsen can be considered a second Jetsun (lore about them is in Aliteoth)

Jamyang and Jamyang’s friends to a young Yangchen: it’s okay 😌 embrace your inner freak, we all have one😌😌 just be smart, alright? You can tell us if anything goes wrong

Sangmu/Dawa: what if someone from the avatar’s previous life reincarnates and they continue to meet, marry and be close friends through multiple of their life times? Yangchen wakes up often and thinks they’re married or an old pet name will slip out. The lines here blur immensely and they do stuff that would break the norm, kisses, affection whatever comes to mind because they know each other. (This is personal worldbuilding. Ref1 fic and ref2 fic)

This would be ‘Yangchen’s’ first introduction to relationships in her current life

That Yangchen calls Dawa Sangmu is a closeness thing. Dawa goes by that with everyone else, but Yangchen calls her by her first name, Sangmu, and vice versa

Amala: from the convenient pov, outside of Dawa, she’d be considered her first girlfriend. I’m going to have to be lame here because the only thing I have on her lore wise is the Persistence fic where it’s implied between the lines that she has a small baby crush on Yangchen. (There is ch2 of’ The fog thins,’ but it’s an only a mention.)

Youta/Xu Yiqing: she is absurdly obsessed with his face. Aesthetic attraction fr. From the convenient pov, he’d be considered her first ‘crush’ and boyfriend. She got to know him after Jetsun died. I’m going to be lame again and say I don’t have that much in him at all😃 That’s what I get for giving in, huh? 😀 He is mentioned in ch2 of ‘The fog thins’ along with Amala. It’s also mentioned how exactly Yangchen noticed him. Dreams of vulture peak makes the implication that he doesn’t have preferences for men or women. (I’m gonna have a bit more on him from a yangvik submission, so gonna have to wait there)

Amala and Youta both call Kavik Amé/amé-la which is an endearment that equals to ‘dear’

The philosophy fic: It's like grasping at sand; slipping through my fingers

Thubten Chodron’s talk I referenced “who is tired?”

Chothar, Gelong, Nyima, Penor: a group of monks Yangchen is close friends with

Diki Lhatso: this is the same Diki that teaches him how to braid hair in “Focus, pretty boy” “One, two, three, amé”

The other Diki: a classmate of Yangchen who Yangchen enjoys teasing (also mentioned in small ripples in the surface ch2)

Guru Yeshe: holds a talk about the heart sutra that Kavik listens to and has a revelation

Black magic and spells: Inspo cited from Life of Milarepa

Brief brief about the Heart sutra: it’s very compressed text with lots of information and it’s essentially a reinterpretation of the teaching; taking out all the imperfections and polishing it. (Like what Nagarjuna did) The old school of thought believed yes, things were empty, but that a dharma/a group of dharmas, comparable to an atom, held a permanent essence that remained unchanging throughout time. This was their exception. Then the heart sutra begins circulating and people begin to question and reinterpret. This then leads to Mahayana, while the old school is Hinayana. In old Mahayana texts, you can find people that look down on those of the old school. “There are those who practise a lesser form of the teaching”

I will leave Persistence here as it’s a study fic. Dreams of vulture peak is also a study fic. I’ve used Red Pine’s commentary on the Heart sutra for both

Sarvastivada school

In dreams of vulture peak, Chenrezig says to Yangchen the second time she returns to Oddiyana when she asks if he has seen Kavik "He struggles. He grasps and clings without certain conviction to something that is merely an illusion. He desperately tries to protect something that is like the sands of a hundred Ganges rivers." Yangchen makes the observation, that regardless of how serene and beautiful he looked, his warm and gentle tone as he spoke to her, he sounded mildly displeased and disappointed. "You have a very ignorant friend"

Chenrezig continued to say that Kavik would never set foot in Oddiyana as long as he struggles and clings as he does. "each time he dreams of this place, it will storm and he will drift in the ocean of emptiness without anything to guide him." = How Kavik so desperately clings to who he is and who he has to be for everyone else, and Yangchen makes note that he would drift and she couldn't defend him regarding it.

[vyzoi]

Here’s the story about how I discovered my aroace identity!

There’s a lot more that went into this, but I would be typing for a really long time. So, I slimmed it down by a lot!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I discovered that I’m ace first, I’ve had shitty guys hit me up and only wanted me for my body. I wasn’t for that so I blocked every guy who hit me up. I would get fussed at for missing the opportunity by my ex friends. But I never wanted sex at all and I never felt sexual attraction. What I thought was sexual attraction in the past, just turned out to be aesthetic attraction. I came out as ace on April second of last year.

I came out as aromantic on July first of last year. I discovered my aromantic identity when I realized that this generation killed romance and the dating scene. I also just never felt romantic attraction to anyone before. I just liked the idea of doing and hopeless romantic things. That was a hard pill to swallow because I really wanted a relationship so bad but I knew it was never going to be for me.

I became aroace on the same day I discovered that I’m aromantic. Since then, I discovered queer platonic relationships. That fits what I want perfectly. I want a best friend who I can really do lovingly things with. I want to do something with my hopeless romanticism and I hope I can find a friend who I can do that with. I still have a huge list of really cute dating ideas that I wrote before I realized that I’m aro.

Throughout this discovery journey, I found confidence, I found self worth, and I found something I can be comfortable with. But most of all, I raised my standards. I will never give an asshole a piece of my time. I deserve respect and my personality is the best thing about myself. I’m more than just my looks. I know I look pretty though and I feel pretty. But again, I’m more than that. And if someone doesn’t care about my personality and just looks, then it’s out the door for them.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

A personal question if you’re comfortable answering: has being aroace ever made it harder for you to maintain friendships?

I’m in high school and being aroace is something that most of my friends never really… accepted. I’ve always been open about being aro/ace and whenever I’ve explained aroromanticism/asexuality, things (at best) got really awkward and they kind of pretended I never said anything about it (telling me and others that I’m straight and trying to “set me up” with other students), despite me always being very clear romantic attraction isn’t something I experience and romantic relationships aren’t something I want right now. That wasn’t just one friend group, I’ve made other friends in and outside of school and it’s been the same. Crushes and dating is something allo teenagers talk about with their friends a lot and I think maybe it helps them relate to each on some level. Not being a part of that has personally made kind it difficult to connect to other people and maintain friendships. I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I've generally been pretty that even when I was young most of the social groups I've been part of have had enough other interests or things they talked about regularly that the fact I wasn't personally interested in romance/sex was never really a big deal and we generally found other things to connect over.

I don't know though if the difference regional/cultural, generational (I'm in my 30's, and not sure if kids nowadays are more focused on this stuff since there's a lot of pressure to be) or just pure luck. One thing I will say though is not everyone is like this and every social group has their own dynamic and culture. So even though you've run into this a couple times doesn't mean you always will. Personally I'd recommend trying to find people via shared interests, maybe look into clubs or after school things you enjoy and that way you'll already have a shared thing in common.

If you're comfortable with it, queer/lgbtq+ groups are also an option, and should be a lot more accepting. Most groups are ace/aro friendly though if you're unsure you can always contact them ahead of time and make sure.

Trying to make friends one-on-one rather than join a friend group is another, and then you're finding individual people you can connect with in other ways. Because there really is a lot of ways to connect to people.

As you get older this should get easier too. I know when I was younger, who's your crush or general dating/sex conversations were a lot more common, but now people mostly have other things on their mind.

Finally as to coming out and people just ignoring that, if you're comfortable with it, don't let people get away with that. My general advice for those situations is every time they try and portray you as straight/allo or imply you are, correct them. It doesn't have to be aggressive or confrontational or anything, it can be as simple as them saying 'I think you and x dating would be cute' and you replying with 'I don't date, remember I told you I was aro.' And just do that everytime. Most people will eventually realise you were serious and eventually come around. If they don't then it's a sign they're not a supportive group and you'll probably be better off finding different friends.

I'll throw this out to followers, has anyone else had similar problems? Want to share your thoughts or advice?

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

[aropodcasting]

The Fabled A-spec Post I Keep Saying I’ll Make

Since I’m p aro on sideblog + community terms are unknown to people outside the community (as well as those inside the community due to the wipeout exclusionism on the website circa 2016-onward) so I figured I’d make a quick post to let people know abt some of the things I’ll be referring to!

Terms

Allo: someone who is not a-spec; used in front of -romantic or -sexual (ex. alloromantic) or used as a descriptor (ex. I cannot believe everyone else here is allo)

A-spec / Aro-spec / Ace-spec: abbreviation for the spectrum; A-spec as an abbreviation for the entire spectrum, aro-spec as an abbreviation for the aro spectrum, and ace-spec as an abbreviation for the ace spectrum

-> a note: can be written as a-spec or aspec, but due to screen readers/ what I’ve seen dyslexic a-spec people discuss, I use a-spec. I am not dyslexic nor use a screen reader, so I cannot comment on this, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong

Qpr/ qpp: queerplatonic relationship/ quasiplatonic relatonship; queerplatonic partner/ quasiplatonic partner. Qprs do not have a strict set of rules, and as such are hard to describe. They are not romantic nor sexual inherently, though one could be. A qpr can be committed, married, and non-romantic/ non-sexual; they can look like a romantic relationship; they can include sex and sexual elements; they can appear casual; they can be monogamous or polyamorous; they can occur at the same time as a romantic relationship. They’re very moldable. They are a relationship that, as it comes from the aro community, is not inherently romantic, but goes above and beyond traditional societal norms for friendship (though, friends can do everything a qpr does and not be in a relationship labeled as other than friends). To get a better understanding of qprs, I’d suggest looking into community resources and finding other posts a-spec blogs have made about them. AUREA, or aromantism.org, defines them as “A committed non-romantic relationship that goes beyond what is the subjective cultural norm for a friendship. Levels of intimacy and/or behaviors between the partners involved often don’t fit the conventional standards set by society. Some QPRs can include sex and elements that are generally considered romantic. In practice every queerplatonic relationship is different. Abbreviated to QPR, and queerplatonic (quasiplatonic) partner to QPP.”

Squish: a catch-all term for non-romantic and non-sexual attraction; commonly mistaken for a crush

-> a note: there are many other words for different types of attraction (plush for queerplatonic attraction, swish for aesthetic attraction, etc) but squish is a catch-all and used most often

Peach Fuzz: a qpr that pretends to be romantic/ dating for any reason

Zucchini: an old term that became uncommon after exclusionism became widespread; another way to refer to your partner in a QPR (ex. This is my zucchini!)

Amatonormitivity: The assumption that everyone is looking for a long-term romantic relationship; the assumption that romance, marriage, ‘partnering off’, etc, is the only path someone would want to follow in their life

Queerplatonic / quasiplatonic: an attraction that is ‘non traditional’ and not romantic or sexual. A hard to define attraction that is different than platonic attraction but not romantic or sexual

Aplatonic: Someone who does not experience platonic attraction; also a spectrum called the aplspectrum; can be used as an identifier (ex. demiplatonic, greyplatonic, etc)

SAM: the split attraction model, which serves to split types of attraction (ex. aroromantic and bisexual as two different terms used at the same time)

Non-SAM aro, ace, etc: commonly used as Non-SAM aro. People who don’t use the split attraction model (ex. only identifying as aro/ terms related to aro and not ace/ allosexual)

Oriented aroace: a term for people who are aroace who experience another type of attraction larger enough to label it (ex. Lesbian aroace, pan aroace, etc)

Angled aroace: a term for people who are on the a-spectrum (grey, demi, akoi, etc) and who experience a type of attraction that is not romantic or sexual, and feels significant enough for them to label it (ex. see above, angled omni aroace, angled gay aroace, etc)

Relationship anarchy: the belief that no relationship is better than another; instead of a pyramid of relationships, they’re all equal. Not specific to the community, but often discussed

Romance/ sex repulsed/ averse: someone who does not want romance/ sexual relationships/ actions taken towards them. This can go from feeling uncomfortable to getting triggered by these actions. One can be romance repulsed and not sex repulsed, or sex repulsed and not romance repulsed, or both

R/s indifferent: someone who does not care one way or the other about romance and/or sexual actions taken towards them. One might be unwilling to do romantic/sexual actions because they don’t care, or, on the other end of the spectrum, might do them anyway even though they do not feel any real want to. On a spectrum and can apply in any combination, like r/s repulsed.

R/s favorable: someone who likes romantic/ sexual actions and wants to do them. Again, on a spectrum, and in any combination, like the two above. They might seek out romantic/ sexual interactions, enjoy them, and want a romantic/ sexual relationship, despite not feeling romantic/ sexual attraction

-> a note: be careful! Sex negative and sex positive are used to refer to whether you support those who are sexual or not (ie. sex workers, those who are in sexual relationships, etc) instead of whether you specifically feel repulsed/ favorable. Don’t mix the terms up, as they mean two different things

Voidpunk: a section of punk morals/ aesthetic not unique to the aro community but coined in it. The practice of rejecting ones humanity and reclaiming their inhumanity, specifically only to be used by groups that people use inhuman against; a way to cope with dehumanization from oppressors. Not specific to the aro community (also used by poc, neurodivergent people, etc, and the intersection of multiple identities that are called ‘inhuman’) but popular inside it

Soft Romo: a term used for anyone but most often on the aro-spectrum; for people who like to perform stereotypical ‘romantic’ gestures such as dating, etc. without wanting the high-energy kissing, holding hands, etc. A ‘low-level romantic relationship’, where performing high-level romance is not preferred or just not possible due to different aspects.

-> let me know if there’s anything you would like me to add/ explain!

Symbols

[ID: an image of two hands, palm up. The right hand is on the left, and the left hand is on the right. They are resting on a dark grey blanket, and there is a light blue rug behind them. On the middle finger of the right hand there is a black ring. On the middle finger of the left hand there is a white, almost transparent, ring. End ID]

Black ring: a symbol of the ace-spec community. Worn on the right hand, middle finger. A way of identification/ pride in public w/o displaying flags

White ring: a symbol of the aro-spec community. Worn on the left hand, middle finger. A way of identification/ pride in public w/o displaying flags

Cake: a symbol commonly used in the ace community, either as a joke (ex. This cake is better than sex!/ Cake will always be better than sex) or as a symbol

Arrow: a symbol commonly used in the aro community, drawing on the way the words ‘arrow’ and ‘aro’ sound the same. Similar themes (archers, bow and arrow, etc) can also be used

Ace card symbol: the ace of a card deck, commonly used as a symbol in the ace community. While the card usage isn’t often discussed, I’ve found sources discussing each meaning; Ace of hearts-> alloace; Ace of spades-> aroace; Ace of diamonds-> the ace spectrum Ace of clubs-> questioning. Draws on ‘ace’ and ‘ace’ word play; also used in jokes (ex. I have an ace up my sleeve/ Aced it!)

Yellow roses: a symbol commonly used in the aro community. Symbolizes friendship, using the symbolism in the yellow rose

Purple/ Green: the colors in the ace / aro flags, respectively

Yellow: the ‘color of friendship’. Commonly connected to yellow roses.

-> a note: there are many more symbols in each community; space ace, frogs for aros, griffins, dragons, etc. I’d suggest looking up symbols and finding some more yourself! These are just some common ones I have seen frequently

That’s all I can think of right now, but if anyone would like me to add on things / explain more my ask box is always open and I am always willing to edit. People in the a-spec community, please feel free to comment/ correct things/ add on things you feel like I’ve missed! While I did not do a list of identities, I did not want to leave out identities that are lesser known/ made fun of. Again, my ask box is open. I linked AUREA (linked to the FAQ) above earlier (linked to the home page), which is a great site for the aro community if anyone would like to know more.

[my-strange-attraction]

As an Aro ace I’m getting annoyed that I have to add a THIRD word to my identity loveless just to get the point across Single for life . I really was hoping asexual was going to embody that . But then No , aces can still love so I used Aro but now No Aro aces can still love so NOW ITS loveless Aro ace ?? I am so tired I just want a community of happily single people that will never fall in love why is this so hard to ask for ? I don’t feel safe In an environment where somebody can fall in love with me

On the one hand, I understand your frustration, but also as someone who needed all these extra labels to work up from ace to aroace to loveless aroace in a way that was natural and comfortable to me, I do still think there's a need for them to exist. I know there is a group of people who prefer to not use the split attraction model and are simply aro or non-SAM aro, but I believe there are also allosexual people in those communities as well, they just find their aro label to be the most important one and the only one they want to actively use. The internet is a strange and complicated place, and it is unfortunate we need so many labels to specify subgroups within subgroups, but need them we do, so there's not much to do about it.

On the bright side, outside of the internet, if you meet someone and the them you're ace, assuming they know what it is already, they'll probably make the assumption that you're aro as well because most people don't know romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction. That's probably a negative for ace alloros but in your situation it probably comes in handy.

Also, about that last part, I've found that people are generally less inclined to have a crush on someone who doesn't naturally give off the signals (elusive social cues, yeah I don't know either) of being someone who could like them back. And if all else fails, you can be blunt about it and say you're not interested whatsoever and that usually wards off any potential people who could fall in love with you. I hope this advice helps, thanks for the ask!

[thedreadvampy]

Hey Ruth! I noticed you've talked in the past about asexuality in quite a negative manner. As an ace-person (who has received backlash for it) I was wondering: do you still uphold these opinions?

Hey! I have in the past said I don’t really...like people popping up in my ask box asking me My Opinion On Asexuality, but I do appreciate you asking me as someone I kinda know and with your face turned on, so I’m gonna aim to answer in the macro. Though I mean it depends on what the opinions...are? I have had a lot of opinions over the time I’ve had this blog and I don’t necessarily know what all of them were or which ones have concerned you. I can give you a top-level view of how I see my views, though (however, since I have been largely holding off on answering this kind of ask for Literally A Year Now this is less an answer to your specific question and more an answer to the last year of asks)

(also if I get dogpiled in my inbox for Having Bad Asexuality Opinions which I do every time I talk about asexuality regardless of what I actually say then. my phone is broken I won’t know about it :) so I feel untouchable)

I don’t think I hold a negative opinion of asexuality as an identity (I say I don’t think bc we all have blind spots)? I have a lot of very important people in my life who are asexual, aromantic or aroace and. I mean it feels pretty condescending to say ~uwu it’s valid~ bc like. ace and aro people don’t really need my input to validate their identity. but a) it seems like a pretty accurate way to describe their experience and b) I know a lot of them have had a really huge boost from finding a name and community to fit their experience and have found that really helpful, and I’ve seen that make a huge difference in people’s lives and I’m really happy to watch my friends come to understand themselves and feel comfortable and accepted in a part of themselves they had felt really alienated or stigmatised by. In a broader sense, I think there’s huge value in decentralising romance and sex in our assumptions of What Human Happiness Means and for some people that’s not the most important thing, and for some it’s just not interesting. 

So like. I find it difficult to really express these opinions in any meaningful way because my opinion on asexuals and aromantics is much like my opinion on trans people or idk like people of colour. like very obviously those people exist and very obviously those people don’t deserve to be marginalised or stigmatised but it would feel. weird and performative to just make a post saying like “Asexuality Is Good And Valid, I Am Pro It” bc again like. who needs my permission or cares about my opinion. it’s not a Good Thing To Do it’s just. a thing you are that shouldn’t be treated as a bad thing.

however. and I suspect that this is what you’re referring to. while I love and appreciate ace and aro people, I think building communities and active support for ace and aro people is valuable and needed and, as above, I think Asexuality Is Good And Valid I Am Pro It, I do take some issue with elements of how discussions around asexuality are framed online (pretty much only online, I really haven’t run into the kind of black-and-white thinking in in-person queer spaces) 

and I also. think there are some issues with people extrapolating their experience of their own sexuality onto the world in a way which. I’m just going to say a lot of the time when I talk about The Ace Discourse in a negative way it’s around people assuming that the world is split into a binary between ace and allo people, or assuming that only aspec people experience a nuanced or complex or fluid relationship to their sexuality while pigeonholing allosexuality into a pretty flat image of sex and romance focus. and I have always felt like this does a massive disservice not just to people who don’t identify with aspec labels, but also to the general hope that we could work against the expectation that there’s a Standard Amount To Value Sex/Romance - I think that the assumption that there are aspec people and then Everyone Else Has The Normal Type and Level of Attraction just. reinforces the idea that there’s a “Normal” type and level of attraction. which is ultimately pretty self-defeating and also just. observably untrue. 

and this division of the world into Aspec People and Allo People also has some other weird knockon effects - I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with identities like gray ace or demi or other aspec labels beyond asexual and aromantic, but I do think that the way those labels are used is often. unhelpful. and they’re defined in such personal, subjective ways that you get weirdnesses sometimes like people Diagnosing Each Other With Demisexual or people saying ‘you can’t talk about this experience you share because it’s an Aspec Experience’ and again. there isn’t a concrete material experience there because the whole experience of romantic and sexual attraction, what that feels like and how sharply divisible it is is very, very personal and subjective. and everyone has different experiences of those and will name those experiences differently.

there’s also. historically a minority of Big Ace Blogs that kind of sneer at allosexuality or who would hijack posts about other issues to derail them to asexuality. but I don’t think they were ever representative of the community as a whole and I certainly think that inasmuch as those blogs remain around they’re a legacy of the Long-Ago (and a lot of them are trolls imo)

but there is. an issue I take that does seem to be more currently live which is the question of allo privilege. I think personally that framing all allosexuals/alloromantics as privileged over all aspec people on the basis of feeling sexual/romantic attraction is provably untrue in a world where people, particularly queer people, are actively oppressed and marginalised for expressing non-normative sexuality. it isn’t that I don’t think asexuality and aromanticism isn’t marginalised and stigmatised, because it visibly is, but it seems pretty reductive to boil it down to a binary yes/no privilege when both sexualisation and desexualisation are so actively tied into other forms of marginalisation (this is what I was trying to express in the argument about Martin a while ago - sex and sexuality are so often disincentivised for fat, queer, disabled and neuroatypical people that it doesn’t...feel like a reclamation that those tend to be the characters that get fanonised as ace where slim, straight, able-bodied and neurotypical characters aren’t. like it’s more complex than a binary privilege equation; sex and romance are incentivised and stigmatised differently at the intersection of oppressions and. for example. in a world where gay conversion therapy and religious oppression of gay and SGA people is so often focused specifically on celibacy and on punishing the act of sexual attraction, I don’t think it’s a reasonable framing to say that a gay allosexual man has privilege over an aroace man on the basis of his attraction) 

so those are like. things I would consider myself to feel actively negative about in online discourse (and again. in online discourse. not in how I relate to asexuality or aromanticism or aspec identities in general but in the framing and approaches people take towards discussing it in a very specific bubble).

but also. um. the main criticism I have of the online discourse culture of asexuality is that there are things I don’t have experience of that I have mentioned, when asked, that I don’t personally understand the meaning of but I don’t need to understand them to appreciate that they’re useful/meaningful to others. things like 

the difference between QPRs, asexual romantic relationships and close friendships

how you know the difference between romantic attraction and friendship

the distinction between sexual attraction and a desire to have sex with someone for another reason

and I hope I’ve generally been clear that this is. honest lack of understanding and not condemnation. I personally have a very muddled sense of attraction and often have difficulty identifying the specifics of any of my own emotional needs so like. it’s a closed book for me at the moment, how you would identify the fine distinctions between types of want when I’m still at step 1: identify That You Want Something Of Some Sort, Eventually, Through Trial And Error. but I think I’ve always been explicit that this isn’t a value judgement it’s just a gap in my own knowledge and yet. every single time I’ve said anything other than enthusiastic “yes I understand this and I love it and it’s good and valid” (and again. I have not gone out of my way to talk about it I have mostly only mentioned it because people keep asking me to talk about it) I have got a massive rush of anger and accusations of aphobia and “just shut up if you don’t know what you’re talking about but also answer my 30 questions to prove you think Correct Things about asexuality” and. I understand that this comes from a place of really unpleasant and aggressive backlash towards the ace community so it’s a sensitivity with a lot of people but like. it doesn’t seem proportional.

also I feel like ever since I hit like 700 followers my Tumblr life has been a constant cycle of people asking me Are You An Ace Inclusionist Are You An Exclus Are You An Aphobe Justify Your Opinion On Asexuality which. eventually yeah I’ve got pretty snippy about the whole thing. but you know. fuck it I’m just gonna lay it out and if you or anyone else is uncomfortable following me based on those opinions then I’m sorry to hear that and I will be sad to see you not want to engage with me any more but I also think that’s absolutely your prerogative. however I will not be taking questions at this time (and not just bc my phone’s broken) - demands for an argument about this Are Going To Be Ignored so if you want to go then go.

so like the big question I reckon is Do You Think Asexuality Is Queer and

yes. no. maybe. I don’t understand the question what does it mean for an identity to be queer? 

there are spaces and conversations where any form of aromanticism or asexuality makes sense as a relevant identity. talking about hegemonic expectations of normative romance. building community. combatting the idea that heterosexual missionary married sex between a man and a woman is the only rewarding or valuable form of relationship or intimacy.

there are spaces where I think heterosexual aros/heteromantic cis aces don’t. have a more meaningful or direct experience of the issues than allo cishets. because while being aro or ace or aspec has a direct impact on those people on a personal and relational level, disclosure is largely a choice, and the world at large sees them as straight. they don’t have the lived experience of being visibly nonconforming that SGA people and aroace people do. they may still be queer but there’s a lot of conversations where they bring a lot of the baggage of being Straight People (because. even if you’re ace or aro you can still be straight in your romantic or sexual attraction and if your relationships are all outwardly straight then you don’t necessarily have an intimate personal understanding of being marginalised from mainstream society by dint of your sexuality). this doesn’t make you Not Queer in the same way that being a bi person who’s only ever been in m/f relationships is still queer, but in both cases a) you don’t magically have a personal experience of societal oppression through the transitive properties of Being Queer and b) it’s really obnoxious to talk as if you’re The Most Oppressed when other people are trying to have a conversation about their lived experience of societal oppression. and they’re within their rights to say ‘we’re talking about the experience of being marginalised for same gender/non-heterosexual attraction and you’re straight, could you butt out?’)

(I very much object to the assumption coming from a lot of exclus that “cishet ace” is a term that can reasonably be applied to non-orientated aroace people though. het is not a default it really extremely doesn’t make sense to treat people who feel no attraction as Straight By Default. when I were a lad I feel like we mostly understood “asexual” to mean that identity - non-orientated aroace - and while I think it’s obvious that a lot of people do find value in using a more split-model because. well. some people are both gay/straight/bi and aro/ace, and it’s good that language reflects that. but I do think it’s left a gap in the language to simply refer to non-attracted people. this isn’t a criticism of anything in particular - there’s a constant balancing act in language between specificity and adaptability and sometimes a gain for one is a loss for the other)

some queer conversations and spaces just. aren’t built with aces in mind. and that isn’t a flaw. some spaces aren’t built with men in mind, but that doesn’t mean men can’t be queer. some conversations are about Black experiences of queerness but that doesn’t mean non-Black people can’t be queer. not all queer spaces will focus on ace needs but that doesn’t mean asexuality isn’t queer, or that queerness is opposed to aceness - sex, sexuality, romance and dating are all really important things to a lot of queer people, especially those whose sexuality and romantic relationships are often stigmatised or violently suppressed in wider society. there should be gay bars, hookup apps, gay and trans friendly sex education, making out at Pride, leather parades and topless dyke marches and porn made by and for queer people, romantic representation in media of young and old gay, bi and trans couples kissing and snuggling and getting married and saying sloppy romantic things. and there should be non-sexual queer spaces, there should be discussions around queerness that don’t suppose that a monogamous romantic relationship is what everyone’s fighting for, sex ed should be ace inclusive, etc. 

I think the whole question of inclusionism vs exclusionism is based on a weird underlying assumption that If An Identity Is Queer All Queer Spaces Should Directly Cater To That. like. aspec identities can be queer and it can be totally reasonable for there to be queer spaces that revolve around being sexual and romantic and there can be conversations it’s not appropriate or productive to centre asexuality and aspec experiences in and we can recognise that not all queer people do prioritise or have any interest in sex or romance. in the same way that there’s value in centring binary trans experiences sometimes and nonbinary experiences at other times but both of those conversations should recognise that neither binary or nonbinary gender identity is a Universal Queer Experience.

anyway that one probably isn’t one of the opinions you were asking about but I have been wanting to find a way to express it for a while so you’re getting it: the Ruth Thedreadvampy Inclusionism Take.

uh. it’s 1:30 on a work night so I have been typing too long. if there was an opinion you were specifically thinking of that I haven’t mentioned, chuck me another ask specifically pointing to what you want me to clarify my thinking on. sometimes I gotta be honest I’ve just been kind of careless in my framing (thinking of the Martin Fucks debacle where I spent ages insisting I didn’t say Martin couldn’t be aroace then read back like two days later and realised that I had said “he’s not aroace” bc I had written the post at 2am without proofreading and had meant to say “unless you think he’s aroace”) so I May Well Not Stand By Some Posts or might Stand By Them With Clarification

[ace-thinks]

So I’m not sure,,, at all if this is the kind of asks you’re cool with (if not, so sorry! Just disregard) but: kinda panicking don’t know what to do and who to ask. In 9th grade I came out to my close friends and family as bisexual. I’ve been comfortable with that for awhile. Now, I’m questioning if I’m aro and/or ace, and don’t know? How to go about figuring it out? Growing up I never had crushes on anyone and never thought anything of it. I’ve made out with someone once, but while the experience wasn’t unpleasant, I didn’t really feel anything for it, even though I was close with the person. I’ve had one “boyfriend” (different person) but once we started taking things further than say, things you could do with a friend, I got uncomfortable and broke up with him. I wasn’t upset in the typical breakup way but I was sad because I genuinely liked spending time with him but not in that way? And he didn’t want to be friends after that, understandably. After looking at some things I think I’d call myself sex neutral? Like, I’ll watch porn? But recently I’ve discovered that I just. Cannot. See myself having sex with another person. And I’m starting to think that what I’ve been using to define my bisexuality is just finding people visually attractive? It’s just frustrating because I have no idea how other people feel (obviously) and my close friend who I would usually go to about this made a comment once about demisexuality not being real (ouch) and even though I know she’d be understanding if I approached her about it I just can’t bring myself to talk to anyone irl about it. So any thoughts, recommendations on where to look, or any lovely people who would be comfortable to chat would be amazingly appreciated. So sorry again if this is like, TMI, I’m just overthinking everything and don’t know where to go for an outside opinion.

Hey! First things first, I’m of the opinion that the TMI parts of life are usually the parts that we’re most confused about but we’re also usually too scared to try to ask about them so I try to make this a very safe space - be as forthcoming or as private as you want! No such thing as TMI here~

Okay, now on to your actual question.

_____________

I’ve answered a few questions that are in a similar vein to yours so here are links to some of those:

Questions to consider if you’re trying to figure out if you’re ace.

General tips about not freaking out/overthinking while you figure things out.

Here are some posts that might be helpful:

Signs you might be ace.

Other signs you might be ace.

A personal account from an aroace person that could be very relatable. 

Non-tumblr related resources you could explore:

This is a website that I found very helpful when I was still figuring things out. I especially liked the 3 part series called “Possible Signs of Asexuality” (in the Asexuality 101 section).

There’s also this podcast called “A Ok” that could be nice to listen to. It’s basically just a bunch of conversations with people on the ace and aro spectrums and they talk about their experiences and whatnot and idk it could be nice to hear from other people in the community and it could give you some more insight into your own feelings!

I feel legally obligated to also include AVEN since it’s like the OG asexuality resource but I personally haven’t gotten a lot out of it. It could be helpful to you, though!

Overall my biggest pieces of advice are:

Pay attention to how you feel and try to just go with the flow. Don’t force things and definitely don’t obsess (I know that’s way easier said than done) 

Hear from other people in the community, read other people’s experiences, etc. This could be a good way to decide “Yeah this is really resonating!” or “Hm, none of this is sounding like me” and both of those are helpful realizations.

Lastly, I’m totally willing to chat if you want (fair warning lol). And I’m sure a bunch of other people will be too!

[introspectev]

Merthur.

I do not want to diminish the true devastation a lot of people felt, and still feel, about having this ship not be canon (and how some see it as a bit of queerbating before Johnlock and Destiel made Merthur seem so benign in comparison). I can see where people are coming from. I myself have shipped them in fanfic. In fact, Merthur is what got me into fanfic via Tumblr back in 2014. But can I offer up an alternate view of the Merlin/Arthur relationship for a moment?

Merthur as a QPR.

I doubt this was the intention of the writers either, but as a newly realized aroace myself, I've found quite a lot of evidence to support this view on our beloved medieval dorks. I might make a video essay outlining these evidences because that will be a lot of work but here are my general thoughts on the subject.

One: Merlin, for me, is aroace. He never really shows an interest in romance or sex throughout the show but he has very meaningful friendships with most, if not all, of the other characters. And his love for Arthur is so absolute, its transcendent. Before I discovered the terms regarding aromantism and asexuality, I was quick to hop on that bandwagon in which I declare that Merlin is clearly in romantic love with Arthur. More lgbt+ representation in media is always a plus. And I still think Merthur is a very valid romantic ship. But now, I wonder why Merlin's love for Arthur has to be inherently romantic? Why is romantic love put on such a pedestal? Why is platonic love so diminished by society? Can I claim warlocks and dragons as aro culture?

Anyway...

Two: Arthur and Gwen are a valid ship, too, and I feel like most Merthur shippers immediately dismiss their romance. But personally, I really love Gwen as a character and I love her romantic relationship with Arthur. And what i like most about Gwen is that she knows how much Merlin means to Arthur as well. In this interpretation of Merthur being a QPR, i see Gwen as a character who knows that the bond between Merlin and Arthur as a platonic relationship runs deeper and truer than her own, but she doesn't get jealous or demand that her romantic feelings be more valid than their platonic ones. And I think that's a wonderful thought.

I dont know, man. Am I making any sense? The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've been feeling this way longer than initially thought, long before I even realized I was aroace. It was subconscious, I guess, if my Ace!Merlin Modern AU fanfic I wrote 4 years ago is any indication. I guess... I'm just wondering if anyone else has wanted to interpret Merthur the same way or can see where I'm coming from. Please let me know. Am I just so starved for arospec content that I will literally remake the Merthur ship into the queerplatonic relationship representation that I've been searching for these past 6 months since I learned the term?

Possibly...

Am I going to continue to do this with all my favorite shows and movies from my youth when I rewatch them in the future?

Definitely. :)

[all-seeing-ifer]

hi, ok, this is kinda weird and out of the blue but im a musical theater student and I've been assigned to sing Astonishing from little women and i need to fill this whole chart about how I personally relate to the song. So first of all A+ for my teacher for nailing it with the character choice for me but before i start rambling to him about the whole Jo is Aroace and Trans Agenda i kinda wanted to have "backup"? not as in he would shut me down but just because I want to be ready when he asks questions and to show him im not alone in thinking this, I was wondering if you have any good essays about this? even like, your own character analysis! im just looking for more opinions and views so I have a strong case

:D oh this is absolutely not weird I actually feel super super honoured that you decided to come to me to ask about it!! Hopefully I can be of help - I’m afraid I don’t have anything in the way of like. actual academia talking about it, because I’ve just never really looked into the academia around Little Women (though that would certainly be interesting to look at…)

I can link you to a few different posts that might be helpful though! It was about time I made like a masterlist of queer Jo posts anyway. Also fair warning some of these are specifically about the 2019 film which may not be super helpful to you in terms of talking about the musical and source material but I’d figured I’d include them for the sake of comprehensiveness.

Posts about the book and earlier adaptations:

An argument for Jo being aroace based on the book

Some moments of trans subtext I noticed in the 1994 film

My list of Jo moments (Joments?) that I think read as incredibly aro (this one actually directly references the musical and the song Astonishing!)

Not specifically an aro Jo post but some of my analysis of Jo and Laurie’s dynamic that was very much informed by the idea of Jo being aro

My argument for Jo being ace based on the book

Examples of moments in the book that can be read as Jo being trans

Analysis of how Jo’s experience (in both the book and 2019 film) mirrors the experiences of many aro people

Posts about the 2019 film:

My analysis of how viewing Jo as aroace fits with the themes of the film

My thoughts on Jo’s motivations in the 2019 film

General discussion of queer subtext throughout different versions, but mainly the 2019 film

Analysis of queer subtext in the film more generally - focused on the reading of Jo as a lesbian so not strictly relevant to what you asked but well worth reading! And y’know. overlapping experiences and all that.

My analysis of the film’s ending in view of Jo being aro

More of my commentary on the film’s proposal scene (not specifically about aroace Jo but that reading is relevant)

An argument for Jo being aroace based on the film (but with some points that are also relevant to earlier versions)

My comparison of different versions of the proposal scene and what gives the 2019 version such an aro feeling

My evidence for Jo being aro based on the film

Another argument for Jo being aro based on the film, again with some points that apply to earlier versions

And of course, what discussion of a classic fictional character being aroace would be complete without a contribution from Mx David J Bradley! Would highly recommend watching their segment in Tara Mooknee’s video on amatonormativity. Again, they deal with the 2019 film specifically but aside from the discussion of the ending most of the stuff they talk about is also applicable to earlier versions, and it’s definitely one of the most comprehensive arguments I’ve seen for aroace Jo! Also it’s where my header image came from, so you know it’s a good video!

Sorry for how long it took me to answer this I hope at least some of this is useful! I found surprisingly few posts about the trans subtext; I definitely have seen some in the past but either they’ve been deleted or it’s just tumblr search acting up again.

[asmoiras-tells]

OK... so I’ve been struggling with my sexuality a lot throughout my adolescence years. I always felt some kind of attraction towards people, I’ve had pleeenty of those so-called platonic crushes over the years, but since most of those crushes I needed to hide from my family/friends/etc. and suppress from my own self because I knew that having some kind of attraction on someone that wasn’t under the cishet-male characteristics would had been another problem I didn’t want to deal with; I mean, my middle/high school years were hard enough while I was faking being cishet, so I knew for certain me expressing myself was only going to make it even harder. —I’d wished I did things different back then, but I had such internalized fear of being treated with “caution” and distaste, that I thought it was better for me to blend in. That’s why, for years, I swore it was just my closeted bisexuality the one that kept me from having a romantic/sexual relationship. That me being in the closet was the reason why I couldn't see myself in any sexual nor romantic scenario.

It wasn’t until a year ago or so that I finally had the courage to “step out” of the closet and came out as bisexual to my sister (who told me she suspected it for a while), and don’t get me wrong, it felt incredibly liberating, but somehow... I noticed I still wasn’t feeling any stronger attraction towards others. I mean, I would feel aesthetically, platonically attracted to people, and even fantasize about them or slightly get aroused at some points, but never to the extent of having the innate desire or attraction to actually pursue doing anything with them; I was more than fine by just looking at them or having them in my life.— Just like I’ve always felt, so “maybe,” I thought, “maybe, I came defective on that matter or,” I doubted, “what if I’m just faking it, confused, trying to seek some attention, just like most people told me I was doing so.”

I talked about this with the people I trust the most, and while my best friend swore I was indeed aroace, my mother told me it was only my lack of any experience in the subject , “you’ll change your mind once you fall in love.” Note: I was in a relationship at that time which ended after a couple of months because, even though they were perfect and I indeed liked them, I wasn’t feeling like everyone says it supposed to and felt like I was being unfair with them and their feelings. I couldn’t help but think something was wrong with me, but after doing a bit of research and a while of introspection, I came across with the bi-aroace community, and I finally found where I fully stand. I wasn’t the only one feeling that way, I wasn’t “broken.” It made me feel relieved, confident, so-like-myself; I don’t have the exact words to express it... it’s just great!!

I tried to find an official bi-aroace flag, but there’s none yet... so I wanted to propose(?) one which we, bi-aroaces, could show our pride with. It’s inspired by the general oriented aroace flag made by @biaroace and the proposed bi-aroace flag by @queer-coloured-glasses.

Meaning of the colours:

BLUE (#161639): I used the same hex colour code as @biaroace for our aroace-ness.

GREY (#5e5360): I decided to go for a mix of the greens [#a8d478 and #3aa63f] used in the aromantic flag and the purple [#810081] used in the asexual flag to show our affiliation with the wider aro-spec and ace-spec communities, including the aroaceflux spectrum (like mine.)

PURPLE (#9b4f96): I used the same hex colour code as in the bisexual flag for our attraction to both similar and different genders, a.k.a. our bi-ness.

WHITE: I decided to keep it instead of replacing it for the “bi-purple” to represent our wholeness and allosexual partners/allies.

TEAL GREEN (#36aea0): I kept this one the same colour code as in @biroace and @queer-coloured-glasses flags for our nonromantic/nonsexual attraction, like platonic, aesthetic, sensual, alterous, attachment, squish, queerplatonic, etc.— and nope, it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that it’s my second favorite color nor that it fits perfectly LOL

Gosh, now that I re-read this post, I kinda vented a lot on this one. I apologize if it’s a lot to read, I wasn’t expecting it to be that long. Sorry about that 7n7r

Anyhoo... what do you guys think?

[queenangst]

hey!! if u don’t mind me asking how did u know u were aro/ace? like i’m lowkey is going “is that me” bc i don’t really get what romantic/sexual attraction is supposed to feel like ... but on the other hand what if i’m just yk not understanding my own feelings or haven’t experienced it yet or whatever idk hopefully this is phrased somewhat in a way that makes sense

Sure! 

I actually talked about this with some friends who were asking on my Discord about a week ago, so I hope you don’t mind me copying and pasting this discussion!

As a note: some of what I share below is personal. This is my personal life so I’ve kept it vague, and I don’t want to share details or involved parties online. You are 100% welcome to ask me more about a specific experience, but I may or may not share.

What I went through in my self-discovery doesn’t apply to everyone. We might share some experiences, we might not. 

To clarify my identity again: I’m aromantic asexual. I do not experience attraction at all, and I am culturally sex-positive/sex-neutral, and personally sex-repulsed. And I am out—my parents, family and friends, etc.

If you’d like to ask questions about these specific parts of my identity that I don’t go into detail in this post, please feel free.

(Also my identity journey went something along the lines of: straight, questioning/no label/allosexual, demisexual, asexual.) Also, sometimes on my blog casually I will describe myself as “ace” for both aro/ace or use “ace” as an interchangeable term for “aspec,” but this is not wholly accurate, it’s just the way that I sometimes use it because I am ace and I can do that.

being ace (my experience): 

Figuring out ur ace sometimes is kinda hard bc 

1) there is a spectrum 2) it's really easy to get caught up in ur own expectations/society 

because asexuality is a lack of attraction, sometimes it can be really confusing, and we end up trying to find something that’s not actually there. (or that may be there but different than what is heteronormative).

one of the main reasons i really figured it out was bc i dated someone, and i was not attracted to them romantically or sexually in any way at all. 

i didn't reciprocate the feelings even during the relationship - i tried to convince myself that it would happen but just never did, and i was uncomfortable (red flag) a lot about affection. 

my advice also is if you're thinking about romance/sex/relationship and it makes you uncomfortable/you can't picture yourself in the future (i.e. when you're older)/it happens forcefully instead of naturally that is, imo, a sign that you're aro/ace/respective aspec identity

now. i do not advise doing what i did. actually i strongly do not advise anyone to force yourself into a relationship or into any situation if you're unclear about your own wants and boundaries. most of all, listen to yourself. if something is making you uncomfortable, consider what about that experience is uncomfortable to you.

edit for clarity: obviously i didn’t know i was aroace at the time of entering that relationship, and it was not malicious intent on my end or “deception,” rather that i didn’t know myself then as well as i do now.

also to my one point (shown below) about "picking someone" tbh in hindsight i just think it's funny i have this really clear memory in elementary school where i was talking to my friend about crushes, and she asked me if i had a crush and i said no. so she asked if i had to have a crush on someone who it would be, so i was like "i guess this guy or this other guy?" basically because i thought they were funny/nice to me

also in hindsight after discovering that, here are things that i experienced that tipped me off:

 - making excuses* (i want to focus on academics, i don't want a relationship right now but maybe later, i haven’t really found someone i liked) - putting myself in a box/label to fit what other people thought (i have to like this person) - guessing about attraction (i guess if i had to be attracted to someone, i would be to this person) - repulsion/dislike* (i don't mind talking about/reading about other people's romance/sex lives, but i don't want to do it myself)

*asterisk is because like i said before, asexuality is a spectrum. and also some of these reasons are perfectly valid if you are attracted to someone! maybe you really do want to focus on academics or you don't like physical intimacy as a preference and that's valid too. edit for clarity: some aces are sex-positive and some aces are sex-repulsed. and some are neutral. 

btw, if you are aspec, you can still be attracted to people! it will just be a different experience from an allo person.

you don't have to have a label if you're unsure or if you don't want one or really any other reason, because your identity is your business and we discover new things about ourselves all the time. it’s okay if a year ago you thought you were gay but now you think you might be ace after all or vice versa, etc; that doesn’t invalidate your feelings or your experiences. there is no rush and no race.

also if you want to learn more about asexuality! for yourself or in general: 

AVEN: Asexuality Visibility & Education Network

https://www.asexuality.org/ 

Asexuality: An Overview/FAQ

AVEN Forums: Questions about Asexuality questions about asexuality, check out the other various aven forums too bc lots of people share their experiences and ask questions there.

I hope this helps someone! If you resonate with anything I wrote above, I would encourage you to do more research about asexuality. 

[aro-culture-is]

so im aroace and the ace part of my identity is more 'important' to me (bc im more open to romance than i am to sex), yet i feel more, like connected to the aro community? and i like to interact with aro pride/posts/art/etc. more than i do with ace stuff, and idrk why? is that weird?

hmm. I guess, my instinct here is to say that you may want to look for different ace blogs than you currently follow, or frankly you may be at a point where you don’t feel the need for support from the ace community, but feel that need still for the aro aspect of your identity?

I don’t know you, obviously, so this is just pure speculation from a stranger. I’m not ace, and I don’t know what has been going on most recently in the ace community, but I know that fya’s (@/fuckyeahasexual) latest arophobic blunder (you can see my response @just-aro) has probably caused a number of aroace people to pull away from or clutch tighter to the ace community.

It’s not exactly weird to feel like one part of your identity is more important, nor is it weird to interact less with the community for that identity than others. Identity and community correlate, but are not the same. I interact somewhat sparingly with my non-sam aro community on tumblr because I’m not comfortable following minors with unlisted ages or otherwise younger than 17-18 as a 20yo*. Of the few non-sam aro blogs I’ve found, however, most fall into that category. However, it’s a very important part of my identity. It could, thus, be that the demographic of who you follow/interact with is different for each community.

There is also the matter that aces and posts about asexuality do, unfortunately, tend to get more interaction from aphobic individuals outside of the community. My experience on this blog has been that the more a post of mine can be interpreted as being an asexual post, the more likely I am to encounter exclus. This is not to say that arophobic blogs don’t exist or anything, but that acephobic blogs are more interactive with the general ace community, vs arophobic blogs tend to, ime, target alloaros.

I know this is long, but I hope that I hit at least one topic that could be contributing!

*I apply this especially due to the fact that I talk not infrequently about mature topics on my aro blogs. They can follow me and engage with me, but that’s on their terms, and I have to assume they consume my content at a level appropriate for themselves.

[aropippin]

hello this is a long post, sorry. don’t feel like you need to read it.

this may be incoherent, it’s kind of a mind dump and to be honest i’m a little tipsy writing it. this is probably a little tmi and no one is asking for this explanation but it’s something that’s been lingering in my mind for a while. also i talk about things through the lens of summer vs. fall vs. spring because i was in college for most of this and that’s how our semesters worked (and how i categorize time).

i feel a little bit of an elephant in the room since returning to tumblr (now more than ever since i’m online more frequently than i have been for a couple of years) when i talk about certain things in my life and particularly my boyfriend. 

the last time i was really active was over three years ago. at that time i was still 100% identifying as aromantic and asexual (i’ll say aroace from here on out), it was something that was very important to my identity. i very actively talked about it on here and it was an active part of who i was. i very genuinely did not have any interest in dating and experienced pretty much no attraction to people outside of aesthetic (and a lot of that went hand in hand with my dysphoria, i saw other men and wanted to look like them). at this point i was sex repulsed and honestly pretty romance repulsed as well. 

i’d be identifying as aroace for at least four or five years after breaking up with my high school boyfriend (put a pin in that thought). i was very stable in that identity including through questioning my gender identity and that first few months of me knowing i was trans.spring of 2017 was interesting because i developed a crush for the first time since i was  freshman in high school (so it had been like five years). i won’t go super into it, but for the first time i was interesting in pursuing a relationship. it was something i thought about a lot and i liked him a lot. in the end, it kind of fizzled out after a couple of months but we’re putting a pin in this too. 

after it ended i didn’t think about it too much. this was the point that i publicly started transitioning. when we came back around fall of that year, i noticed a shift. i wasn’t really attracted to anyone nor did i really want to date but i was jealous of my very close friend. this was maybe seven months into her relationship at the time and i was jealous of her boyfriend because we had spent so much time together the previous year but it felt like i was barely seeing her. i thought i might have had a crush on her and even told a few close friends that i thought i did but to this day i’m not really sure. i had similar feelings growing up (middle/high school) with my close female friends. i think i really was looking for attention, not in a negative way but just in general; i saw that other people had people looking at them and liking them and i wanted it too. and to be fair, i got a little bit of attention at parties from girls it was super affirming to me and felt great.

at this point i felt like i couldn’t really identify as aromantic anymore but i still felt very asexual; the lines were very blurry but that’s kind of where we were at. well late next spring me and the guy who didn’t work out last time agreed to actually try and date. to be honest, it was a hit or miss experience; he just wasn’t really int he place to date but we wanted to give it a try. the biggest takeaways were that it was barely romantic and 0% sexual but it was a relationship and 100x healthier than the last one i was in. in the end, we just decided that it wasn’t working and we’d be better as friends. i ended it and didn’t expect to be in any other relationship any time soon. i was wrong.

within like a month of breaking up with that guy, i met my current boyfriend whose name is josh. we met fall of 2018 at band. we talked a couple of times at camp but it wasn’t a big thing and then at our second party, he got crossed and i spent a lot of time taking care of him (and he spent a lot of time soft flirting with me). i had been a little fixated on him during camp, which is generally how my feelings towards people (platonic or romantic) had manifested in the past but it wasn’t a Thing until he started texting me afterward. i had such a strong response.

it was a interesting time that i won’t go super in depth with, but he wasn’t out at the time and i wasn’t sure he was into guys. i quickly found out that he was and that he was into me. and i ended up being into him. it was a very strange experience for me. i had dated two guys before but both of those were slow burns, we were friends and hung out and then months later started to date. but with josh i had met him and within about a month we were dating. it was messier and more complex than i’m getting into but it happened. and i was more than okay with it, i was happy. pretty early in i sat him down and told him how sex repulsed and that i had some traumatic dating experiences in the past and he was very open and supportive of however this needed to go.

but like, not to be tmi but within a month of dating we had sex (both for the first time) and while it wasn’t great to begin with, it wasn’t the traumatic experience that i thought it would be. and it generally only improved over time. i got much more open about it and we figured stuff out together.

okay, so here’s the pinned thought. in high school i dated a guy for two years. at this point i was not aware that i was trans so this was a “straight” relationship. he was terrible to me for a lot of it. to be fair, i was dealing with a lot of dysphoria that i couldn’t place however he was pretty constantly pushing my boundaries on what i felt comfortable with physically. he would either freeze me out or just get upset if i didn’t want to do things he wanted to do and would even do this while i was having a panic attack and couldn’t function out of fear. he and his friends made fun of me and called me frigid and a prude and said that our relationship was meaningless because we didn’t do enough physically/sexually. i left this relationship pretty fucked up and that’s without taking the dysphoria i was dealing with into account. he continued to be emotionally abusive to me for years after that.

and if i’m being honest, i think a lot of that played into my feelings and identifying as aroace. i think the majority of it was because of my traumatic experiences but my dysphoria played into it too. and honestly i hate that. i feel like i betrayed all of the people that i used to talk about it with when i stopped identifying that way, but it got to the point where it wasn’t something productive in my life anymore. 

if i were to psychoanalyze myself and go into micro-identities, i’d say i probably still exist on both the ace and aro spectrums. i really have such limited physical attraction to other people and i really don’t know that i could identify it really as sexual attraction. and even romantically, i still think that i probably experience some level of being aro but i don’t think either term serves me anymore. they used to be important, they made me feel safe and understood which i desperately needed, but now they don’t.

i don’t define my sexuality in any strong terms. i’m queer. i say i’m bi for the functionality of it, but in the end i’m just not straight. i’m into people, gender doesn’t play a big part in it, and that’s just kind of where i’m at. i know this was long and convoluted, but some part of me felt that it was important to talk about the shift i’ve felt over the last few years. i feel guilty because aro and/or ace people often times are faced with people saying, “oh you’ll grow out of it” and i feel bad for playing into this narrative but it’s where i’m at. especially after transitioning, defining my sexuality became a lot less important to me because i was more comfortable with myself.

anyway, mostly unrelated but i am not changing my url (i have a brand to maintain) lol and pls like this if you read to this point