#this guy from back in hs
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me a year ago would be freaking out
#june shines#this guy from back in hs#absolutely fucking insane at electric so i had a bit of a crush on him back in the day as one does on electric players#responded to a little post i made on my live music story and went “yoo check out ____ artist would be so insane if u played and sang”#and then went “or even i could play and you sang would be amazing” or something#and like#hello#now im like im too busy to meet this random guy to do music with him nor do i really want to at this point#would have jumped on it a year ago and probably would have had a heart attack too#but yeah im#good#still looking up the ? artist???/#because Yes i love music recs#i have so much work to do tonight i dont have time for this#june muses
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*stares at disciple SQQ falling into the abyss au*
oh you are so "SY-is-SJ" coded. You are so "fell into the abyss and suddenly remembered that oh i've been Shen Jiu this whole time, not just Shen Yuan. we are one and the same". you are so 'crumbling under the weight of the system and being in the abyss and the despair of never really being free and having suffered in both lives' built. you are so 'scrambling to come to terms with your existence and battling with which life is really yours, only to realize that they both are'. You are primed for going off the rails.
I'm so normal about this guys. i promise.
#svsss#mxtx svsss#svsss au#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#scum villian self saving system#scum villian#svsss role reversal au#IF I MAKE IT SY-IS-SJ THERE'S NO STOPPING ME FROM MAKING THIS AU QIJIU. LIKE IT MUST BE QIJIU IF I GO THAT ROUTE.#grinding my teeth. grips you by the shoulders tightly#the angst of YQY finding out SQQ fell into the endless abyss and falling into a despair that he couldnt save him AGAIN. him trying to go#through hell and high water trying to get him back. him and LBH are losing their shit. also the idea that YQY existed in SY's world too#not as an older brother but as a close childhood friend who was there for him for years up until their HS years where something happened#that caused a falling out. but YQY keeps trying to rekindle that friendship and never can in that world bc SY dies before they can reconnec#SQQ realizing that he misses YQY like a limb and thinking that if he sees him again he'll demand answers for his supposed abandonment but#also he just wants to hug him. just once. and then maybe punch him. not in that order. its the doomed soulmates guys. its the reconnection#obsessed obsessed obsessed. like HMMMM. SQQ knows YQY's fate from the book and the idea makes him so nauseous he has to sit down#bingqiu is fantastic but ALSO. QIJIU. 'SY-is-SJ' is decidedly perhaps my favorite trope for the time being if only for the pure and utter#self-hatred SY and SJ are going to inflict on each other. its about the mental breakdown guys. especially with chronically ill SY.#SJ hating SY for being sick. for being a shut in. they are a reflection of each other they ARE each other and they hate themselves#holding back from going off the rails about 'SY-is-SJ' au combined with him falling into the abyss#'no light no light' by florence and the machines is this au guys. ive decided it now
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Jung Yeseo🥺🫶🤎
#twsb#when the third wheel strikes back#서브 남주가 파업하면 생기는 일#섭남파업#jung yeseo#jesse venetiaan#(not rly but just covering all my bases)#my art#spent all day working on this on and off on my phone and now im sleepy#drew him w his webnovel hair🥺 i miss it i wish they didnt change it for the webtoon#if they kept his comma bangs w the webtoons artstyle he wouldve been too powerful and everyone would perish tho i get it...#they had to nerf him...🛐 to preserve his just some guy energy KFJJD#i like the comma bangs tho bc it makes him look more diff from jesse venetiaan.. and also kim dokja fkdn#also wanted to draw his oversize cardigan w the moe sleeves... hehe#sidenote my mutual informed me earlier before drawing this that the jung family including yeseo r canonically attractive????#to the extent that yeseo was scouted to be an idol several times in hs????? WHAT#and this info hit me like a truck... like WHAT . i thought we were all drawing him pretty out of love and delusion--#SCOUTED TO BE AN IDOL... (and apparently he turned them all down bc it was assumed to be a scam fmfndnd)
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not sure if I've posted about this before but I'm GONNA DO IT AGAIN
I wish sso would change the way you upgrade your stable. like maybe you CAN still pay it with star coins if you want (but for the love of god lower the pride 249 for two stalls is SO BAD) but maybe you can do like a week long questline with the carpenter guy instead if you want like how we used to upgrade the bridge to the harvest counties
#star stable#sso#I'm seeing like. day one you talk to the guy and get permission from whoever owns the barn#(the people you talk to when you finish the daily chores yknow)#days two and three you go gather materials. wood from firgrove metals from the mine at moorland etc#I'm seeing you go to two places both days to bring stuff back#days four and five you actually help build it by interacting with stuff inside your hs#and on the last day you have an opening party or smth
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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🎤 thoughts: is it normal for friends to kind of ~disappear after getting together with someone and is it normal to feel sad about it
#ive been wondering this for a while bc one of my super close friends has been dating this girl for like 4 months atp#and since then i think our communication has gone down by a lot ajsbsf#for context this guy is rlly good friends with me and my bf!! he and my bf go waay back since they were 5 😭#and he and i trauma bonded in hs LOL which is why we're so close#he's at the level of like. he could be my maid of honour in my wedding 😭 like i would put him there along w my bsf#bc next to my bf i think they're the next 2 people who know me best 😭 but my bf also wants him as a groomsman 😭#and i think ive honestly witnessed him at the lowest points of his life hsbfsdf#there was one time we came from a night out with friends and when he dropped me home he had to park outside my house for a bit#bc he was having a full on breakdown and didn't want to go home yet 😭#i think ive witnessed him at many stages of his life basically sdfbsjdf#and i mean im not rlly taking it personally that he isnt talking to us as much cos i respect the whole new relationship phase#i also wouldnt want to cause problems or make his girl see me as a threat or smth 😭 so taking a step back a bit was a given#but my bf is fr getting sad abt it and honestly i am too a lil bit 😭 cos where is our friend 😭#i talked so much again#anyway what are some thoughts on this im curious#maybe im also just overreacting
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already living in the au where riz is senior class president bc i know it's never becoming canon
#is that a liveblog i see?#riz gukgak#ever since sklonda said that shit the back of my mind has been like: 👁️#and then in this latest ep with 'theres no grounds!!' in the next ep preview#not that kristen wld be a bad president! she infact wld probs be a good one#for all the normal reasons. with all the due respect and etc what do hs class presidents do#in my experience they like. kinda help run social events#like besides being acting principal in case of 3 emergencies in a row? they kinda just do jackshit#((sorry i have a complex from hs abt none of the clubs/organizations never actually doing anything lol))#so like#in a normal sense kristen is great for that#but also sklonda my beloved my dear my adored#*cups sklonda outburst in my hands*#'i dont like the way your friends treat you!'#'i think my son would make a *great* class president.'#shes swaying me she's swaying me so good u guys#riz would not do what *i* think an average hs president wld do#but he would comb through the paperwork#and try to make the system usable and accessible#and run on something more than 3 threads a dream and the magic of chronomancy alone#sorry but that is so enticing to me. and nobody else i know#but to me? god that sounds so good i will live in that world for a moment or a few
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“In general I find the idea of being with a man disgusting but I don’t find it disgusting with him”
- spoken by a lesbian
#then I call myself straight yet I find it disgusting in every way LOOLLLL MAYBE IM NOT STRAIGHT AT ALL 😭#except maybe that one hs guy but like#I think I’d be disgusted if I learned more about him#dora daily#though I’m#not gay because I literally have no comment about women they’re just there yk IDK HOE TO EXPLAIN IT#though the reason I’m disgusted is cause there is not a single normal dude I’ve met ever 😭 they’re all grotesque PLS GOD I JUST EANT TO MEET#A NORMAL DUDE NOT FOR ANY REASON APART FROM HAVING HOPE THEY EXIST#I want to prove myself right that they exist LOL#like I have my dad and brother (they’re not the best examples of good dudes) then my little brother (but he’s too young for me to form an#opinion)#Then my cousins … no comment uhm#yeah lowkey weirdos for liking a girl who was in primary school while they were in middle or high school#then there’s the randoms irl who no matter how well things seem to go they always say something weird that makes you go of course he said#that he’s a man 😭#had to take a step back when mashaAllah boy said he sympathises with the dude who killed women because he was a loser who couldn’t get a gf#BRUH#it’s through this that I realise to some extent how bad relationships have a grip on people and just how much I clearly don’t understand#about others. IF I GET HARASSED INTO MARRIAGE PLS I JUST WANT AN AROACE DUDE LIKE LISTEN IF ALHAITHAM WAS IRL I WOULD BE THRIVING CAUSE HES#VERY AROACE IN MY HEART#I just want to co exist with someone like in an ultimate bestie kind of way is that too much to ask 😓
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fun fact: women
#homestuck#hiveswap#mspar#hs chahut#chahut maenad#is this ship art. maybe#would you guys guess this was initially a rejected sketch for a zine piece all the way back from 2019#anyway. aheem heem#i also love women with nice arms but thats just what good taste looks like
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i had a dream barou took me to prom ;_;
#i've never been lol back in hs and i never cared for it either.....#but in the dream he was my only guy friend who gen tolerated me n wanted the best for me n i was devastated bc i felt like no one would eve#-go w me and he got mad and took me kjhfgdjskghd#n he was trying so hard to be n do what i wanted even tho he hated prom lol......... n he smelled so nice :( bc he hugged me#i dragged him everywhere and when my feet hurt from the heels i wore he gave me his sneakers man i love him T______T#head in hands...........i miss him so bad..........#sora.txt
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i hate that i always get frustrated all the time.. im unable to enjoy my hobbies or going out with friends.. it's like im very much obliged to programming all day and i dont have any life outside it i hate it honestly
#not to blame my college but it's literally the very reason i started working all by my own limiting any social interactions and hobbies#yet i dont even feel like im going anywhere with this i feel so fucking shitty all the time it sucks#all because i fucking hate this college and this fucking course and i just want to get out of this hellhole i dont belong here#if only i could start over from high school again if only i got my shit figured out back then#if only i had a better mentor who would help me with my entrance test prep...#i wish i didn't trust those asshole hs teachers they literally fucked my life over.. all they care about is how much paid they're getting..#..and not how much they're teaching their students.. fucking assholes i hope y'all burn in hell i hope you guys get what you fucking deserve#for fucking over lives of several students like me just for money#well... just gonna cry myself to sleep now what else can i do#i cant change the past anymore better work towards the future
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ok fr last one but there's actually a bootleg of my school's anastasia and i'm linking it bc you all NEED to understand that my infatuation with this one girl's voice which started when i was in the 6th grade and still hasn't really worn off isn't based on nothing
#brielle's the one in the n95 mask (the video is too grainy to actually make out any of the ensemble's faces but she stands out)#and i'm the in my 'teenage tboy's diy first short haircut' era in every scene she's in#apart from everything abt the girl who plays anya. the tea on everyone else is that our director liked the boy who played gleb's voice so#much that she actually lowered some if not all of his parts to be in his range. the guy who played vlad was a total diva and uhm. the phras#'peaked in high school' has been tossed around at him a lot. and the fact that he came back to sub the year after he graduated isn't helpin#his case. also he pressured the girl who played anya's grandmother into wearing old age makeup + spray her hair grey bc he decided he was#going to wear it and since she's supposed to be older than him she had to too and used to waltz into the girls' changing room whenever he#wanted. everyone was like super shocked during auditions though bc we all thought he was a shoe-in for dimitry esp since seniors get#priority casting bc it's their last chance. but at callbacks (we had singing auditions via video and dance auditions in person and callback#were tacked on to the dance auditions) he kinda flubbed his song and then this freshman. who was with us via google meet bc he literally ha#covid at the time absolutely blew him out of the water and i remember walking away w brielle like 'holy shit [first name] [last name] just#lost a part to a freshman' (he's the kind of person you just have to full name otherwise it sounds wrong). that said i do think he made a#much better vlad then he would've made a dimitry and while he is. a lot. he's always been nice to me and i did briefly idolize him and his#stage presence way i did anya's singing voice but that faded when i got into hs and started actually observing his prima donna ways#(the one production we were in together before in middle school we didn't have any scenes together). the girl who played the grandma#actually shouted me out in cast circle and that's the only time that's ever happened to me. also i'm p sure her dad is/was dating someone m#dad and by extension myself work with so that's. Oh My God. like she (the one who works for my dad) brought him w her to a comedy show as i#think her bf but i'm not 100% sure and when he found out what school i went to he mentioned his daughter went there and despite the fact#that i basically have a script for when people ask me that question bc i do NOT pay attention to most of my fellow students and don't know#anyone i was like 'holy shit' bc i actually did. hm what else. the guy who played the tsar and i used to shittalk bad period dramas#backstage during the first part of act 2. also during the press conference scene i need you to picture all the bolshevik soldiers and#romanov royals doing the macarena behind the curtain bc that was absolutely what we were doing back there. speaking of the press conference#the really high singing w/o a clear source was actually anya standing behind the curtain on the other side of the stage bc she's the only#one who physically could sing the part. also in regards to the bolshevik soldiers. we were originally supposed to have wooden rifles but fo#some reason our director took them out so we had to just walk menacingly towards the romanovs. you can't rlly see me that well in that scen#but that jacket would NOT stay closed and for 2/3 performances i had to awkwardly hold it closed the entire time. luckily the one that was#filmed was the one where i was smart enough to bring safety pins and also saved like all of the ballerinas bc their costumes all started#falling apart at once backstage.#romeo.txt#theatreposting
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okay i am really brain-latched to this au i really do need to give it a proper name
#tag ramble time ->#ive posted abt it so much i dont like maintagging it anymore thats why ive had so many untagged doodle posts recently#i need to get back to drawing normal felt please theyre in my brain they need to be released#fun fact i do have a name for a hypothetical fanventure surrounding it#the au#took a bunch of searching throuhg poker terms because im a fucking nerd#i could probably call it the name ive been givng this adventure in my head but i dont think ‘ nosebleed ‘ is a very welcoming name for#anything#here i go talking again#thoughts directly from my brain edition#would you guys consume a blog of just auposting so i can leave space here for actual hs stuff or is that too much#fun fact i called it nosebleed in my head because when poking around poker terms i saw nosebleed meaning stakes are super high and i was#like ‘ ok ‘#why i picked poker specifically i have no idea … looking up go fish terms for my comic ….. new comic guys its called ..#i ran out of card games im a fake fan#what would the hivebent adjacent portion be called#gotta look up pool terms#sorry . table stickball
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damn genshin cc's r on fire and not in a good way
#i just heard of the drama going on and its fr some hs clique ish kind of drama#wow i hate these peopel#i went on a watching spree tryna catch up w it#cuz hoenstly im just bored and needed smthn in the bg while i draw lmao#and holy shittt its akshally insane#feelsbadman for tectone tho ever since i heard out his side im just wow#this the guy everyone hated back then? 😭 crazy#yeah uhm anyways so in conclusion: not going back to any gnshin spaces anytime soon!#aside from tumblr#cuz most of my moots r from genshinblr wwww thats fine#alright going back to watching random vids now and drawing#and hopefully finish it tn :3 😎
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Every now and then I get haunted by my past as a dr fan because someone mentions it or smth and lemme tell you the worst case scenario is if they bring up v3 in an even slightly positive light because nothing will make me start giving a shit abt dr again except for my burning hatred of that damn game, I just spent like 30 minutes ranting to myself about how much of a nothing character Kokichi is in the bathroom after showering just to vent it out because if I don't rant abt v3 every now and then I'll explode and kill someone
#rat rambles#like I generally think I had a lot of dogshit takes and sucked ass at au making and character analysis back in my dr days#but like I still stand by most of my gripes with v3 even if my old rewrite concepts also sucked#look man those were dark times my previous main interest was cr and the one before that was hs#also I had never actually posted about my thoughts before so I was a bit trigger happy with saying shit with my full chest#Im still prone to having bad takes on things to be clear even with oni I had a lot of bad takes when I first got into it#tbf I was mostly trying to talk myself down from going deeper but I evidently failed. hard.#but yeah I should delete my old fandom blog became every day I see my old dr posts get notes and I die a bit more#oh wait one dr rewrite thing I still stand by is my humam chiaki shit I was onto smth#like I still agree human chiaki should have never existed but I also think her existing as an individual who was wildly different from#ai chiaki is deeply interesting and also leaves space for some fun fucked up tragedy shit for both chiaki's#like I still like a lot of my old ideas for my rewrite of that stuff especially likey characterization was off for most of the cast but I#was cooking with the basic concepts and narrative I <3 taking characters that ppl idolize post their death and shifting the narrative to#show that they weren't a hero nor could they ever have been they were just some guy who went through horrible shit and died miserable#its one of my favorite things to do in fiction even now so ofc Im still fond of my older stuff with it on some level#like mannn why did I have to go so hard on what ultimately amounted to an au character and proceed to drop the ball on everything else lol#anyways I need to sleep before I start talking abt chiaki more yall dont need to see that <3#I mean hey could be worse. I could start talking abt my old cr stuff. we'd be here for at least a week straight#my old cr stuff was mostly actually pretty good it simply makes me sad because I put so much work and effort and made some fantastic#pieces of worldbuilding and character concepts for a mobile cookie game that sucks absolute ass#I ofc will still happily recycle concepts from my old cr stuff but like so much of it is just impossible to remove from context its so sad#ok ok gn for realsies this time
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hiii :333 i think i am alive !! ( small update in da tags )
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#WOOOAGHHHHH HAVENT BEEN HERE IN AGES. WOW>#sorry guys im a straight a student in their senior year of hs... i have been enjoying real life ^_^ i miss it here tho. :(#will be active soon bcs school is gna end. fucking sobbing but we don't talk abt that#i am here instead of working on the uh. 2 group presentations i need to work on. and the 1 Solo presentation.............#which is crazy btw bcs it's a whole research event thing bcs im in stem ^_^ closing remarks heehaw. Just Me.#so i'm proud of myself & for better understanding myself lately but there is still sm i want to do!!! like On here <3#in a much better headspace and life and etc. its good yay.#anyway hashtag wanna be an astrophysicist (a+ physics? ez. but also ive always loved math & astronomy) astronomer musician#author video game dev (future compsci student! or physics. still deciding.) uhhh psychologist philosopher blablabla phd one day#yay ^__________^ I MISS WRITING ON HERE THO and interacting w moots :P altho idrk how to get back into that shit#anywhere really but it's ok we find ways. man. i miss it here. before i get active again tho i should rlly makes lists to do and Fix stuff.#bye for now yay just a lil update from me !!! ^_^ it's been at least... 4 months? bcs i rmbr not properly saying happy new year on here HEL#raaaaaaaaaaaaa apollo is so back babaey the world is so beautiful & so am I. anyway. u all take care mwamwamwa
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