#this gave me....an unbelievable amount of grief

[coldlovehotblood]

K queen could you please provide me with some izzy fic lmao 😭😭😭😭 so um i'm literally at the end of my uni semester and it's eating me out CAUSE I FEEL SO DUMB LIKE WHY TF AM I GETTING A DEGREE IF I CANT DO BASIC SHIT 💀💀💀💀💀💀 but i needed a super cute angst to fluff izzy fic where yn is going through this and she feels dumb and just bad about it all, and izzy helps her feeling better 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 literally handed 2 big projects today (i'm a programmer btw but that's irrelevant) and i got 3 tests next week AND I CANT BARELY THINK ANYMORE

Ok i'll shut up bye thank youuuuu

˗ˏˋ✩ˎˊ˗

SMARTY PANTS

The pressure of university is worse than you thought it’d be, swallowing you up before you realise what’s happening. Luckily, your boyfriend is willing to help you forget for a while.

w/c: 2,128

warnings: smut

a/n: haiii sorry for the wait! nah programming sounds like a headache to me you must have one of the biggest brains in all the land. wish i was that smart fr😔 anyway i hope this scratches the Izzy fluff itch and gives you a little boost. YOU’VE GOT THIS I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

GWORGGGG divider by @strangergraphics

You were burnt out. Badly.

Exhaustion wasn’t a strong enough word for it. You were so genuinely close to padlocking your apartment door and going into hibernation in an attempt to catch up on missed shuteye.

Every assignment felt colossal, and put another wall between you and the freedom university was supposed to give you once you moved away from home. You had wanted more space to breathe, more opportunities to explore the world and yourself, more time to spend with your boyfriend…

God, your boyfriend was so good about all of it. He knew when to give you space and when to fill that space. He knew it was eating you alive and kicking your ass. He never gave you grief for periods of silence. You honestly didn’t know how you deserved him.

This occasion was yet another display of his patience.

You were sitting on your bed, staring blankly at the wall, trying to will yourself to get up and do something productive. With assignments being at the forefront of your mind for the past week or two, everything else was left behind. Your room was in disarray, there were clothes to be washed, dishes to be done, the list went on and on. As the minutes ticked by, you got more frustrated with yourself and your inability to keep up with life. You couldn't tell if University was brutal or if you really were eternally a few steps behind.

It was frustrating.

That lump that had been sitting in the base of your throat for the whole day finally loosened up as a sob heaved its way out of you. Vision blurred with tears, you turned to lie on top of your bed covers, but you heard a knock down the hall.

It took an unbelievable amount of effort to haul yourself up from where you lay. You padded over and didn't bother to wipe your cheeks before opening the door. There stood Izzy in leather and dark wash denim, holding a bottle of Jack. The crappy, sparse, yellow light from the hall was dampened greatly by the grin he was sporting, but that quickly faded once he saw your face.

“Baby, are you ok?”

You really started to cry then. He came through the threshold at once and took you into his arms. That gorgeous woody scent you knew as his engulfed you. Wordlessly, he guided you back into your apartment and to the sofa, setting the bottle down in favour of pulling you on top and close.

You tucked your head into his shoulder, seeking more of his cologne as he soothed a hand down your spine, tracing light patterns with his fingertips as he went. You realised then that you could relax a bit and that you were able to shrug off the tight restraints of deadlines that had been digging into you like rough ropes tied too tight.

Your voice was croaky when you eventually thanked him after a few minutes of silence. He shook his head in response.

“Are you feeling any better?”

“A little,” you replied with a sniff.

One of his hands now pushed away some of the hair that had fallen over your face.

“I came ‘cause a while ago you told me today was the deadline for some pretty important things. I wanted to see how you were holding up.”

You moved to look up at him from where you lay, and he dipped his head to look back at you, that same grin from before returning.

“I even brought a friend,” he spoke with a giggle, looking over to where he’d set the liquor bottle down. It was brand new, the amber contents sitting just below the unbroken seal as it ought to be.

You sighed before dropping your head again.

“How did you remember? I know that you and Axl are busy right now.”

“I wrote it down on some paper and kept it in my jacket. Every time I went to grab my lighter, I felt it and remembered. Figured it was the only way I could’ve.”

You were so fond of him it was sickening.

“You’re really dumb.”

“In comparison to you, yeah, honestly. All that computer stuff they have you doing is unbelievable.”

You let yourself feel the vibrations of his voice rumble against your cheek as you took in his words. Following this path had been your dream. Tech had always been an area of interest and pursuing it in university looked like the best path for you. For months, you had scoured high and low, looking for a place that would best accommodate you and the life you dreamed of creating. If you were going to do it, you were making damn sure you’d do it right. With the tech industry in the beginnings of a boom, it really was the best time to start.

However, you severely underestimated the pressure of the workload. You understood what you were getting yourself into when you signed up. You had read the course details a million times over, but actually having those deadlines hanging over your head, actually having those tests back to back with no wiggle room or time for a breather— it was harsh. Much worse than you thought it would be.

On top of that, the content was difficult. You had to take your passion seriously now. That doesn't sound like a big deal until you experience it yourself. It’s so strange, and new information was thrown at you with every lecture. The knowledge being given was amazing, but memorising all of it, being tested on it, brought everything into a different ballpark entirely.

In short, you were finding the rigour of it all extremely hard to keep up with, and the idea of dropping out was starting to paw at you like a dog looking for treats.

“I question why I’m doing it.”

Izzy scoffed and shook his head once more. This time his chin grazed your crown as he did.

“You’re kidding, right? You’re doing it because it’s what you love.”

“It is, but is it worth my sanity? I mean, there is constantly so much going on I feel like I’m losing even the basics.”

He said your name softly as his hand came to your cheek, encouraging your head up to meet his eyes.

“They wouldn’t have let you in if they thought you weren’t capable of keeping up. You are good at what you do, great even. And with this kind of an education? You’ll become fucking insane.”

His words brought you back to earth a bit. What he was saying made sense, but it wasn’t enough to fully satisfy that itching feeling of being behind, the feeling of non-existent eyes drilling into your back everytime you thought about work.

He tapped your cheek with his index and ring finger.

“Hey, let that pretty head rest. Let those projects and stray homework’s be the past and be here with me in the now.”

In the low light of your living room, his silver nose ring glinted as he tilted his head. You wished you could follow his instruction, but doubt is a stubborn thing. Tears filled your lash line again and he made a face so concerned and full of care it brought them on faster.

“Don’t cry, baby, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Frustration grew once again and you couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped you.

Suddenly, Izzy’s face changed as he looked into your salt-soaked eyes.

“I know how I can help.”

It was your turn to tilt your head.

“Will you let me take care of you?”

“What—“

“Just trust me,” he whispered, smiling handsomely as he came closer. You could feel his breath tickle your face a little bit with the proximity.

You were sinking deeper into a pool of uncertainty by the second, and he offered a hand to pull you to the surface. How could you refuse?

“Please,” you breathed back before he pressed his lips to yours.

Kissing him was like blinking, it came naturally and you didn’t have to think about it. Your mouths moved in sync so well it was easy to get lost in it. He was soft against you, each brush of lips like waves melting into each other upon impact. Seamless.

He wrapped his arms around your waist and flipped the two of you gently so that he was hovering above you. Carefully, Izzy brought one hand down your body as he kept the other propped beside your head on the armrest, slowly dragging it lower and lower as he continued to kiss you.

He then pulled away from your mouth as he sat up straighter, giving himself two hands to meet at the waistband of your bottoms.

“What you need, sweetheart, is a distraction. That is something I can most certainly give,” he spoke, wiggling his eyebrows and making you laugh. Fingers under the fabric, he hesitated.

“Is this ok? We don’t have to do anything, it’s just an idea.”

He was too good to you. So sweet it’d be no time at all before every one of your teeth would have to be capped with silver.

“I trust you.”

That’s all the confirmation he needed before pulling them all the way down, taking your panties along with the movement. He was careful but quick.

“You’re so gorgeous here,” he muttered, not taking his eyes off of your exposed lower half.

You blushed bright as you wiped at your eyes, loathing the tight feeling that came to your cheeks once tear tracks dried. Izzy ever so gently encouraged you to open your legs wider with his hands, parting them to place himself in between.

He lowered himself then to your hip, leaving a trail of wet, open-mouthed kisses, whispering praises as he crept closer and closer to where you needed him most. You shivered as arousal bloomed in your stomach. Your being sung under his touch.

He stole one more glance of you, eyes glittering with excitement. He looked ready to buzz out of his skin and squeal. Every time he did this, you were left in disbelief at how eager he could be. You couldn’t decide if it was you or him that got off more to things like this.

Finally, he closed the gap between him and you, and you sighed with contentment. Izzy licked a stripe over your core and pleasure coursed throughout your body. Hypnotised, you let him have his way.

He was too good at it, knowing just how and where to brush his tongue in order to drive you mad. You didn’t realise it, but his lapping really was making you blank.

You were relaxing.

He built you up steadily and at the brink of orgasm he left you hanging, stunning you out of the bubble he’d lulled you into. This continued a couple of times as he made sure your brain was left mush and static.

Once satisfied with your state, he let you reach that dizzying peak of pleasure and tipped you over the edge, ecstasy bursting you open and leaving a supernova in it’s wake for your boyfriend to appreciate; the fruit of his labour: a lax-bodied, simple-minded version of you.

You panted with him as he brought you to his chest once again. You couldn’t really say anything but his name at that point so you opted for silence and squeezing him tight.

“Told you I knew,” he said huskily into your ear, nipping your lobe playfully.

It took a second for the words to come out, but you did eventually reply, “okay smarty pants, we get it.”

He laughed, the sound ringing loud and bright through the room before moving an arm under your knees and standing up, princess carrying you through your apartment to the bedroom. As he went, he continued his teasing, insisting you call him ‘ the smartest motherfucker to ever walk the earth’ before he tucked you in and took his place behind you, curled up tight to your back.

Worn out and kept cozy by Izzy’s warmth, it wasn’t long before sleep took you. You’d decided university was a problem for future you, as you at the time was more occupied thinking of all the ways they could prove they are the smarter motherfucker.

You were terribly in love, and, in that moment, that was what trumped everything else.

Also, you had a bottle of Jack Daniel’s waiting for you. That’s an immediate plus.

[elizabethalexis]

there was a moment when I was doing EMDR with Lauren, where we ‘installed’ the progress I’d made on a memory we’d been working on for three months, where something snapped into alignment in my body:

for months I’d been revisiting the girl at the top of the stairs who made her father cry for the first time. when we first started working through the memory, all I could bring up was the sound, the violence of his voice booming, cracking through the house, and the strange feeling of the curled carpet in my hands, the way the wood of the banister softly gave way under my nails. I couldn’t hear or see or feel anything else. I couldn’t remember how old I was, or what we were fighting about. most of the time I couldn’t even access the instant where dad’s voice cracked and he started crying. I couldn’t access what mom was doing, what came before or after that moment, any of it - all I could access was the unbelievable amount shame and self-hatred that rocketed through my body in that instant - the whole-consuming horror of having wounded that tower of a man so badly, so deeply, that it broke him.

in session, I’d been breaking apart at the seams for weeks, trying to ask myself to sit with the unspeakable pain of that memory, to hold it as I instructed my adult self in my mental image to hold the child self I’d seen for so long. and for weeks, I’d been so resistant to that work - it’s too much, I said, over and over. I don’t want to. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I’d attempt to lessen the damage by externalizing my pain, projecting it away from myself, but even that didn’t work. I sat and sat, and only grief and pain and resistance came. progress dwindled to a thread, then stopped.

and then I started noticing my knees.

the girl at the top of the stairs suddenly somehow became clearer - I could feel the skin of the girl’s knobby knees stretched tightly over the bones below. she was wearing shorts. her hair was cut chin-length, which marked her as twelve-ish. I knew there were freckles on her face - summer, or late summer, then. right around the time I discovered that push pins dragged across my skin drowned out all the screaming in my body and mind.

the geography of the house I’d grown up in became clearer. the image stopped switch-mirroring in my head, flipping from right to left. the yellow walls of the house, the pale, warm wood of the floors, the red couch, my mom’s floral arm chair, the angled glass-paned door to the study which stood behind my standing parents, the shape of the hallways, the dresser and coat rack and stereo case in the foyer, the AC vent on the wall where dad would post up and smoke cigarettes as if that filter would protect him and us from the smoke - all of it became clearer. I started to see that self, started to know that self again, for the first time in twenty years.

after months of making two-steps-forward-one-step-back progress, Lauren finally asked if I was ready to ‘install’ the work we’d done. the work I had done. I didn’t know what to expect (EMDR is such a fascinating, strange, horrifying, wondrous modality - but more on that at a later day) and didn’t know if I was doing it ‘right’ while knowing all the same there is no ‘right’ in therapy. we went back into the memory, and nothing came up for me other than the fight, the images, the sensations, and the cognitions we’d adjusted over the time we’d been working through them. my memory retread the memory for the thousandth time, with no change internally. but then something broke.

several years ago, in a meditation I’d seen a vision of my youngest self - four, five years old maybe - sitting cross-legged across from me under the arms of the mythical fig tree. we’d sat in mirrored posture, I across from me, me across from my youngest self, who radiated light. it was the first truly meaningful moment in my adult life where I felt the bridge between these two selves start to knit back together, where countless interminable traumas had severed it. in the years to come, I continued to come back to that image of myself, and the little girl. over time, it evolved, so that the girl in the vision became the embodiment of my internal emotional world - in joy, she played and laughed; in sorrow, she wept; in fear and anger and pain, she screamed. always these two selves - these two instances of selfhood on the temporal plane, meeting each other again and again and again.

in that session with Lauren, those competing images - the dual selves beneath the fig tree, the wholly-isolated self alone and scared out of her mind at the top of the stairs - started slowly melding with each other, until vision changed entirely. I now saw the girl who’d sat screaming at the top of stairs, standing with her eyes closed somewhere far away, somewhere safe. she put her right hand on her heart and her whole body started glowing softly. and then, to her right came the tiny child from beneath the fig tree, the girl who’d by rights initiated every single step - then and now - that had led to this moment. and at her side was the woman of thirty three, battle-scarred but standing. all three arranged in a circle, child, tweenager, fully cemented adult self, all with their hands on their hearts, all with their eyes closed, radiating soft life. for the first time, I realized how many countless thousand selves lived inside the vehicle of my body, waiting to be acknowledge, waiting to be met and attended to, and for a moment the sheer scale of that need felt overwhelming - even my adult self, the survivor, the woman of immense strength and power, wavered at the ask of holding each girl’s pain. I’m still too small, I said. I can’t. I can’t. and then a new woman walked into the circle.

I don’t particularly believe in god. I don’t particularly believe in the symbols and ideals of organized religion. even new-world spirituality has always felt like a bit of a fabrication to me - an easy way to make the absurd, chaotic world somehow make sense. but in that moment in that session, tears flooding down my face, I realized a god had walked into the room.

she was me, but not me at all - something far greater, far more powerful, more threatening, more awesome than I myself am or necessarily aspire to be. the light she radiated was blinding, it carved every feature of her body, her crossed arm, her delicate fingers, the lashes of her closed eyes - all, gilt in silver. she was me but she was entirely external from my tangible body - ageless, at once finite and cosmic in scale. I understood that ‘self’ as that which exists beyond ego, that which exists beyond ‘self-hood’ - and is rather the eternal observer, the universal eye who watches the watcher. only that woman, that being, was big enough, safe enough, centered, calm, stable enough, powerful enough to hold the pain of thousand sprouted-selves which had all sprung from her source. and she smiled when I asked her to do so. and Lauren smiled when I told her of the change.

after that, I stopped seeing two selves. instead, I realized then and saw how many thousand selves exist inside the physical fact of my body, girls and women of every age, every instance. I became unstuck inside myself, in a way I think papa Kurt would have been proud of. since that session, the universe has continued to throw challenges at my feet like flowers. life continues to be hard, and looks to only grow harder in the years to come. but I stopped saying I can’t. some days, when the pain is too much, I break down and say I don’t want to. I don’t want to sit with it all, hold it all without resisting, without avoiding, without losing myself in the emotion. I don’t want to. but whenever my mind drifts towards I can’t, that circle of selves, hands on hearts, encircle me. they remind me. we save each other.

I write all this to remind myself. today when it was confirmed that J had moved across an entire fucking ocean, I felt overwhelmed and somehow abandoned again - abandoned by this man who’s abandoned my countless times, and worst when I needed him most. who saw me as optional, something he could risk losing for good, when my heart had been entirely devoted to him for years. I was instantly transported back to a brokenness I thought I’d at last turned away from. I didn’t understand why all of this came up for me, where it came from, which old wound it had inelegantly reopened in my chest, my stomach. for an instant I was drowning, sliding closer and closer to the very brink of I can’t. and then they came to me. the girls and children and women. the lovers, the muses, the tricksters, the survivors. even the women I will one day become, all encircling me, all reminding me I can. because I have. because I have to. because in giving up on any one of them, I fail all of them. I betray all of them, in a world where I have so often been failed, been betrayed myself. it doesn’t make the pain stop. it doesn’t bring back the man I miss and love from the other side of the world. it doesn’t erase or repair any part of the history between he and I, or any of mine own. that image, that mental model, isn’t the magic bullet I think I’d always dreamed of discovering - I’m not magically healed from the wounds and badly-patched scars of my life. but I am reminded that I can hold whatever comes. that I am, in the collective sense, able to hold the pain and the grief. able to sit with it, under the fig tree, where the littlest girl comes to me sobbing, saying how hurt she is, how alone she feels. and where the countless arms of my infinite selves fold gently, softly around her shaking shoulders. they don’t ask her to stop crying. they say they will hold her while she cries, without judgement, without rejection of her tears or any attempts to correct them. we will hold her, and love her the way she always needed to be loved. and on the other side of those tears, that pain, that grief, that loss, she will be okay. we will be okay.

[ivanttakethis]

Moon, I once again have many thoughts about your writing:

Agent Pol and Agent Irin cameos!! Yippee!!

Loved that Pol clocked Tov and Himei’s close, yet indescribable relationship immediately.

Tov said one sentence in defense of Himei and Pol was like “Hm, bit fruity. I can use this.” (I fear Himei may have taken the bait 😬)

So that’s where Hayate went? Oof.

What do you MEAN Lark’s death was slow and cruel??? Please stop he’s already dead omg

Tov 🤝 Himei (unable to sleep due to The Horrors™️)

Himei choosing rage over love or grief 🚩

Himei trying to emulate Daiki’s look 🚩🚩

Himei spitting vitriol, becoming the poison, turning into what she despised about Daiki 🚩🚩🚩

Something about Himei bowing as the crowd cheered when she won is deeply unsettling to me idk idk

I’m actually Team Noora in the fight, Himei definitely deserved that. I think she needs a wake up call.

“He was my friend.” LARK WAS HER FRIEND 😭😭

No Himei, you’re not animal don’t say that. We can fix this! We (read: you) can be better!!

And once again Himei is collared and covered in her dead opponent’s blood… Please take all of Himei’s suffering and give it to Luka’s primordial goop, amen 🙏

Live Vant Reaction to the Bonus Scene:

TALLIS COMEBACK REAL!!! THEY CALLED ME DELUSIONAL THEY SAID I WAS COPING BUT I NEVER WAVERED!!! I REMAINED FAITHFUL I’M BRAVER THAN ANY US MARINE RAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH 💥💥💥💥

But no really, the amount of serotonin that scene gave me is unquantifiable thank you for the food 😁

The dynamic of the doomed polycule has shifted yet again!!

Himeitovallis stans rise 🫡

I do have A LOT of questions now, though. Like how does Eddy know Tallis? Why did Tallis react so aggressively? Why is the AREPH (assumedly) keeping Tallis alive? Are they planning to use him for something? Are they planning to use him against Himei and Tov?

If Himei and Tov ever find out Tallis is alive, it’s really going to fuck them up. So much of the motivations for their actions (lashing out, fighting, committing murder, issuing death threats, etc.) is tied up in how they grieved him. And then they find out that grief was for nothing?? Oh I am deeply unwell 🥹

And then there’s also the inverse. Himei and Tov have changed so much since Tallis “died”, Himei emotionally shutting down while Tov is opening up. I’m sure it will be a shock to him too.

You’re writing is unbelievable. I still can’t believe you wrote this in an hour and a half. Very excited, but also terrified for what comes next!

Round 21 - Himei POV

The room Himei was brought into was small and stuffy.

Everything was soundproof and the room itself was hidden away in the deepest recesses of the Season 39 site's main complex, so Himei was under no illusions regarding what was about to happen.

At least it wasn't solitary. Anything was better than solitary.

Not for Lark.

"You look sick," an agent told her bluntly. She was shorter and scrawnier than her imposing partner, who for his part looked like he was about as done with this as Himei was. "Not sleeping well? Hm?"

The agent's tone was sickly sweet, swimming with mock concern. Himei was sick of condescension. The corner of her upper lip twitched in a barely concealed snarl.

"I'm sleeping fine," she said primly.

God, she hoped the light on her collar was green. She'd gotten used to the feeling of it around her neck, but not the read it gave others on her emotions, which were already enough of a shitstorm to deal with.

The female agent tilted her head. "Mmm." Skeptical.

Her partner scoffed and pushed off the wall he leaned against. "That's enough, Agent Pol. Hello, Himei. I'm Agent Irin of AREPH and this is Agent Pol. We're here to ask you a few questions about Subject-012864, known by his peers as Lark."

Himei held the lump in her throat. So much as swallowing felt like a guilty tell. So much as twitching a finger felt like a dead giveaway. "Hello."

Agent Pol took the seat across from her and tipped her chair back so it balanced precariously on its back legs, her feet propped up on the corner of the table. "We had another girl in here earlier. What was her name again?" You fucking know her name. Agent Pol glanced up at Agent Irin boredly. "Toph?"

Agent Irin's throat clicked like he was about to respond, but before he could, Himei snapped, "Tov."

Agent Pol snapped her fingers. "Tov. Right. Well, we had her in here to ask her questions just like you. We asked her about you." She did that annoying head jerk to the side again. "Put in a good word for you. She's your... hmm, friend, right?"

Friend felt reductive. Himei didn't say that out loud. "Yes."

"So she could be covering for you? Or she's just that biased. Or stupid."

Himei's jaw clenched and ticked. If the light on her collar hadn't been red before, it was now. "She's the smartest person I know. Smarter than you, anyway."

Pol snorted, slid a leg off the table, and leaned forward like she was about to say something incredibly important before Agent Irin once again cut her off.

"We won't keep you long, seeing as you have a performance coming up in the next few days," he said after clearing his throat. "I have some questions for you. Did you and Lark associate much, in the Anakt Garden?"

"No." Himei folded her hands and tried not to clench them. Sweat slicked her palms the longer she had them pressed together. "He was quiet."

Agent Irin wrote something down on a tablet. "Did he and Tov associate?"

"No. Tov was... mostly with me."

And Tallis.

More tapping of the tablet. Agent Pol took over the questioning with a sharp, "And you and Tov? You're close. You would have reason to take out an opponent of hers to ensure her victory."

Oh, if only victory was all that mattered. If only it wasn't a game of survival.

"I wouldn't..." Himei flexed her fingers and tried not to let so much as a flicker of guilt cross her face. "I wouldn't do that to someone just to help her win. Not allowing each performer a fair chance is an injustice."

"Yes." Agent Pol lowered her voice to a murmur. "And you know all about injustice, don't you."

A pause.

Agent Irin finished tapping away at his tablet and cleared his throat again. "Recent investigations have shown us that the guard accused of treason, Hayate, is your biological brother. Not only that, but you were not separated at birth and grew up with the same guardian, namely Guardian Iquia. That all sound correct?"

Himei's eyelashes fluttered as she looked down at the table. "That's right."

"Lark had poison in his system when he died," Agent Pol said. "Poison that any ordinary Alien Stage contestant would have a hard time coming by unless it was provided to them. These are experimental drugs used in labs to study humans who know they're dying from the drug and the effects of impending doom on the brain. This isn't just a take-it-and-you're-out type of euthanasia like they use at kill shelters. This is... well, Himei." Agent Pol laughed a little, disbelievingly. "Well, this is just cruel, dare I say. And I'm sure you'd have had no trouble acquiring this drug with the help of your darling brother."

Himei could hardly even hear Agent Pol over the swell of her pulse in her ears. Her skin felt clammy everywhere from sweat.

"I didn't have any drugs," she whispered. "He didn't give me any drugs."

Agent Pol grunted. "You sound hoarse. Need some water?"

The image of Lark with his eyes closed, chugging poisoned water, jumped to the forefront of Himei's mind.

"No." She sat up straighter. "I'm fine, thanks."

The electricity from the harsh overhead lights buzzed in the silence.

Both agents scrutinized her for what was probably only a few seconds but felt like eternity to her. Then Agent Irin folded his tablet shut. "Thank you for your time. We'll escort you back upstairs." He turned to unlock the heavy black door blocking the exit. "I assume you have rehearsals to get to. The show must go on."

The show must go on.

Himei practiced. She tried on the outfit her team had made for her. She didn't sleep a wink the night before her performance, mind plagued with the golden glow of the stage lights, the golden glow of Lark's eyes, the way they morphed into dark hazel.

Another contestant was dead, but the show must go on. That was Alien Stage for you.

For weeks and weeks since Himei made it through her first round, she's been consulting with her team. First, in the immediate aftermath of Round 4, they thought they should try a ballad next time to contrast her pop performance. After Round 7, once Himei could finally think again in the weeks afterwards, she proposed a ballad about grief. Love. Like Aurien and Vermillion's performance during their round. She wanted to encapsulate that.

But plans had changed.

"Grief is overrated in this competition," her choreographer told her boredly. "No one wants to see another weary widow snivel on stage for four minutes before taking a bullet through the brain. You have to have something more interesting in you, or we've already lost."

Himei couldn't even respond to that at the time. She was too shocked.

Her entire PR team was at a loss until her fight with Daiki. If you could even call it a fight. She only got one damn hit in.

Anger, they said gleefully, like it was some kind of divine revelation. You have anger. No, not anger, you have rage. You're the righteous hand of those old gods.

So instead of capturing her audience with softness after initially presenting a diva image, they were taking it further. Pop princess with an edge. Great.

Himei got to choose her look, if not her image. She poured over magazines Daiki had modeled in and cut out outfit references to give to her designers. They were giddy when she presented the idea - ecstatic.

"We've already won," they told her now.

Himei couldn't even muster a smile.

Min died for her. Lark died because of her.

Now Noora would too.

So Himei won.

She won. She would compete against Cirrus in the quarter finals...

And it didn't even matter.

She tried to ignore Noora as she sang. If she couldn't sing for Tallis, she instead sang at Daiki. She spat vitriol into her mic. She became the poison.

The crowd cheered, she took a bow, the world spun, and then she was on the floor.

Dark hairs were still tangled in Noora's fingers that had been ripped right out of Himei's head before fists and nails rained down on her in a fury, hitting and scratching and pulling. Himei thought she might have screamed, but she couldn't hear it over the sound of the crowd.

Her cheek was marred with scratch marks. Her lip split open and spilled blood. She was in so much pain she could hardly breathe.

She didn't register when it stopped. Everything hurt. Everything throbbed and screamed and burned.

Then Himei felt Noora's breath against her face, harsh and anguished. Something dripped on Himei's cheek. A tear from Noora's startlingly emotional eyes.

"He was my friend," she whispered, shoulders shaking. "He was my friend."

He was her friend, and just like the aliens, just like Daiki, Himei tossed him aside like it was nothing.

A gunshot rang out, piercing Noora's slender, delicate throat. A red arterial spray shot from the wound. Noora was gone in an instant, dead weight against Himei, dying her white suit red.

Get off, Himei pleaded, aloud or silently, she didn't know. She struggled against the corpse. Get off, get off, get off!

She scrambled away on all fours in the pool of blood like an animal.

Wasn't she? A collar clicked around her neck, and she was roughly pulled to her feet.

Aren't I?

Bonus: Sometime Before Round 16...

He'd laid in bed for days, dead to the world.

Needles pumped fluids into his veins. A breathing tube pushed past his chapped mouth into his throat, forcing its way down to lodge behind his breastbone.

When he woke, his eyelids fluttered faintly, the steady beep of some strange monitor next to the bed reaching his ears. His eyebrows twitched, stirring. His eyes widened.

He instinctively reached up to yank the tube out, but to no avail. His hands were tied down to the bed. He made a startled noise, kicking, nostrils flaring in a silent scream. Get it out. Get it out, getitoutgetitout

"Subject 060839 is awake!" a voice shouted. Footsteps rushed in and out of the room. He wouldn't let anyone touch him, jerking and fighting, throat tightening, oh god, he was going to be sick, he would choke on this thing...

"Look, it's me!"

A tall gray-haired stranger entered and waved their arms at him. One of his arms wrested free from its bond in his panic.

"Tallis, it's me!"

He grabbed for the small vase on the table next to him and chucked it at their head.

Cranked this out in an hour and a half, yeehaw

Tov and Agents Pol and Irin belong to @ivanttakethis. Noora and Lark belong to @kamersona and the scene on stage is based on their writing. Daiki belongs to @daiki1k. Cirrus belongs to @cirrusoftheclouds.

[sasspan]

summary: tory and robby in a red convertible, 4x08

wordcount: ~1.6k

notes: rated t for teenage kissing 🤡

---

“Hopefully it’s all dry by then.” Tory tucked the sales tag back into the collar of her dress.

She could feel Robby’s gaze following the movement of her hand, could feel it tracing along the lines of her shoulder and neck.

 But when she glanced up, he was staring at her right in the eye.

 The dress clung damply to her skin. The pool water had washed the curls out of her hair and the makeup from her face. And he was still looking at her with that dopey-soft expression, like he had on the dance floor and in the pool.

 Tory knew that expression. Sort of. Usually it was tinged with this kind of…reverence. Like, oh my God, I can’t believe I’m with Tory, she’s so badass and scary and cool and sexy.

 But with Robby there was none of that. Just the warmth of his eyes and the playful purse of his lips. Like he was trying not to smile. Or trying not to kiss her.

 The lights from the fair painted him gold and green. The words were spilling from her mouth before she could think twice. “I guess we should get our money’s worth.”

 It was half-challenge, half-invitation. He’d probably back down now, anyway. It was really too bad; she’d always sort of wondered what it would be like to—

 Robby leaned forward.

 Wait. He was actually making a move?

 For a moment Tory was still, wide-eyed; then his fingers touched her jaw and she was moving forward too, the easiest thing in the world.

 They met in the middle. The kiss was surprisingly chaste, all things considered, but still...nice.

 Robby pulled away after a few seconds, his lips curling into a little smile, like he knew he’d caught her by surprise. Annoyance twinged, and her own competitive spirit kicked in. He’d decided to strike first?

 Fine. She’d strike back, hard.

 Tory twisted, throwing a leg over the seats and slipping into his lap. She savored the sound of his sharp inhale. Who was caught off guard now?

 This new position had her taller than him, and she braced herself on the back of his seat, caging him in. He was looking up at her, his eyes all big and dark and wanting, his palm sliding along her waist, searing-hot through her dress.

 Tory leant down, kissed him again. Her hair pooled around their shoulders in a chlorine-scented curtain. Her hand found the side of his neck—so vulnerable—and she eased into him, settling on his lap.

 Robby’s mouth moved languidly against hers. He was a good kisser, if a little slower than she was used to. His teeth caught her bottom lip—not quite a bite, but enough to make her shiver. She retaliated by running her nails against the nape of his neck and was rewarded with a soft gasp. There. That would teach him…

 But even that little victory drifted away, and then it was just pure sensation; the heat of his mouth, the friction of his hand as it moved along her hip, the smell of pool water and crushed calla lilies. Seconds melted together, one after the other, the sounds and lights of their surroundings fading to nothing for a long, long while.

 It was impossible to tell who broke away first this time. Maybe both of them at once. They stayed close for few moments, their breaths mingling, before Robby laid his head on her shoulder and she rested her own cheek on his temple.

 Bit by bit, the noise of the fair meandered back into focus. A breeze came by and cooled her flushed skin. Robby’s chest rose and fell against hers as their breathing slowed down.

  “Nice earrings,” he murmured after several minutes. The words were a billow of warm air against her throat.

 “What?” Tory’s voice came out all raspy. “Oh, thanks.”

 She’d worn her snake earrings tonight. A reminder to Miguel and Sam and everyone else that she was as much a Cobra Kai at a dance as she was in a fight.

 Robby’s hand came up to touch one now. His knuckles grazed her jaw and she nearly flinched at the feeling, the electric shock of it down her spine. She shifted back, away from him.

 Tory met his gaze and immediately wished she hadn’t; his eyes were still so dark, his face still so reddened. She was suddenly, intensely aware of their position. She was straddling him, her knees bracketing his waist, their hips flush. How many times had she pinned him like this during practice? It felt so different now. It was so different.

 All at once, it was too much, too fast. She eased off of him, rolling back into her own seat.

 “Need a minute,” she said by way of explanation.

 “Sure.” Robby still sounded a little out of breath. Tory leaned against the passenger door and studied herself in the side-view mirror to keep from looking at him. Her hair was even more messed up than before, and what little lipstick had remained after her swim in the pool was now smudged past saving.

 She turned her head very slightly. Robby was leaning back in his seat, staring up at the sky as the lights played across his face.

 After a moment, Tory mimicked his position. He slid her a smile but made no move to kiss her again; she wasn’t sure if she was more relieved or disappointed.

 For a while she watched the fair in front of them. The ride closest to the car was one of those swinging hammer ones that she’d loved when she was younger. The delighted screams of the riders crescendoed up and down as the hammer swung towards them and then away.

 “This is a nice place,” she said. “How did you hear about it?”

 “Kenny told me.” She could hear the smile in his voice. “Some girl in his class wanted to take him here.”

 Tory snorted. “And here I thought he’d be one of those kids who never went on a date until he was, like, thirty.”

 Robby laughed even as he nudged her shoulder with his. “Hey. That’s my student you’re talking about.”

 She studied him from the corner of her eye. He had that fond expression that he always did whenever he was with Kenny. Tory had had her doubts about the kid in the beginning, but she had to admit; Robby had done a great job whipping him into shape.

 And he was good with Kenny too. She’d seen it herself, the way they joked around, the easy laughter, how Robby was always instinctively stepping in front of Kenny, like a shield. Maybe he was just one of those guys who got along with kids. Maybe he’d get along with Brandon—

 No. Stop. Tory clamped down on the train of thought with sudden panic. What the fuck? What was she thinking? Let Robby meet Brandon? She hadn’t even introduced Miguel to Brandon, and she’d gone out with him for months.

 She drove the edge of one blunt fingernail into her thigh, the pain helping her ground herself. Obviously, she was all…hormonal or whatever from their kiss and was thinking crazy thoughts.

 What had she said before, when she’d asked him to prom? Strictly a tactical move.

 Yeah, that had worked out well.

 Tory inhaled carefully. She didn’t need this. She clearly wanted this more than she’d thought. But what she needed was to focus on the All Valley. To become a champion.

 And after that…who knew?

 She made a show of pulling out her phone and checking the time. Shit, it was already almost midnight. Well, at least that made this next part easier. She said, “It’s getting pretty late.”

 “Yeah?” He shifted to look at her phone. “Huh. Good thing we don’t have practice tomorrow.”

 “Yeah.” Tory ran her finger over a crack on her phone screen. “I still need to wake up pretty early, though.”

 “Oh, yeah. Gotta return the dress.”

 She almost sighed with relief. “Right.”

 “I can drop you home now if you want.” He’d picked her up from a park near the dojo at the beginning of the night.

 “That’d be great, thanks.”

 Robby bent and rummaged for the car keys in the door handle. The mood had flattened out into something that was—not uncomfortable, definitely, but more business-like. Professional.

 For a moment, she really wished she didn’t have to leave.

 Tory pushed the feeling away and looked down at her lap, rubbing the hemline of her dress between her fingers. The fabric was still kind of damp, even after a ride in an open-top convertible and all the time they’d spent here. She resigned herself to blasting it with a hairdryer the next morning.

 When she looked up, Robby was watching her again. Not like he had before, when he’d kissed her, but with that sort of amused fondness, like he had with Kenny.

 He said, “Still gotta dry, huh?”

 “Yeah.” Tory shrugged. “Wish I could keep it, but…” It was a pretty dress, but the refund money would be better spent on rent or utilities.

 “I don’t know. No big loss,” he said. At her questioning look, he elaborated, “The dress is nice and all. But for what it’s worth…” And there it was, that flicker of something else in his eyes, his voice—playful and warm and wanting. “I think you look better in your gi anyways.”

 Tory stared at him. Her mouth was very dry. “Lucky you.”

 Robby’s eyes twinkled faintly as he smiled. “Lucky me,” he agreed, and started the car.

[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

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[book-boys-are-my-guilty-pleasure]

A Stark and her Soldier ~ Part 1

Imagine: Reuniting with Bucky when you end up helping Sam with the Flag Smashers.

Warnings: TFATWS SPOILERS! This takes place during the first two episodes of the show.

A/N: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’M BACK (with a new header lol)!!! AHHHHHHHH! It’s been nearly two years but here I am… posting this makes me SO nervous, so feedback would be highly appreciated! More parts and some information about what I’m planning with this blog to follow soon! 

“You held us together – do it for them,” he paused before adding, “Promise me you’ll do it for them.”

You blinked away the tears, knowing what was coming, “I can’t promise that...”

“Y/N please,” the way he begged you with that shaking voice was nearly enough to push you over the edge.

“I-I promise.” He squeezed your hand before letting you leave.

“You’ve reached James Barnes, sorry I couldn’t take your call, please –” you hung up before the recorded message could continue, face burning with frustration. This was the 9th time you had tried calling him this week, not to mention the countless text messages.

You scoffed thinking of Steve’s last words to you, how were you supposed to hold them together when you barely held yourself together on a good day? It doesn’t make it any easier when the person you’re supposed to be holding together is so keen on letting himself fall apart.  

Every time you tried calling him, you ended up feeling furious, miserable, or like an absolute failure – usually all three. You promised Steve, you promised, and you failed. You groaned and chucked your phone across your bed.

The last time you had seen him, Steve had still been around, and you hadn’t even spoken to him since Tony’s funeral.

 You and Pepper had walked to the lake, each holding one of Morgan’s hands, and you had sat at the dock watching the arc reactor – his heart – float away, the people behind you forgotten in your grief. The weight on your heart was unbelievable, you had already lost your best friend, Natasha, and now your brother was gone.

You promised him that you wouldn’t cry at his funeral – he always knew it was inevitable – and so you sat there, sending him away with a pained smile.

You had no idea how long you had just sat there, staring at the horizon across the lake, trying to make this last moment with your brother last forever.

“Y/N?” You felt a hand squeezing your shoulder, “You should come back inside.”

“What happens now, Steve?” Your voice was softer than he had ever heard before.

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out together,” he paused for a moment before gesturing to Bucky, waiting outside the house behind him, “He wants to talk to you.”

You gave Bucky a small smile, “Hey.”

He walked over and dropped down next to you, Steve leaving the two of you to chat, “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” You nodded solemnly.

He added, “For everything, Y/N… he probably wouldn’t even have wanted me here, but –”

You shook your head and took his hand, heart fluttering at the contact. You had always been attracted to him, and it had only grown with every interaction. “That wasn’t you.”

You knew your brother never blamed Bucky, you all knew how it felt to have people mess with your heads and Bucky had had the worst of it. He was furious at Steve for years, but never at Bucky – you could never bring yourself to be angry with either of them, not after the stories you grew up with. Your father had adored the soldiers and you had been one of their biggest fans, and later one of Steve’s closest friends.

There had come a point after the battle between Tony and Steve when you had become sick of all the back and forth. You were lucky enough to find an escape when T’Challa got in touch with you, offering you a chance to come to Wakanda and learn about their technology – you weren’t ashamed to admit that you were the one who contacted him to beg for it. You hadn’t known that Bucky was already there. Slowly but surely, the two of you found comfort in one another and became good friends.  

He gave you a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, “You should head inside, it’s getting late – I’ll see you again soon.”

He stayed true to that statement, the two of you stood with Sam and Bruce, waiting for Steve to come back after returning the stones – only to have him shatter your hearts.

You only saw Bucky in passing after that, occasionally visiting Steve at the same time – you never said a word to him, beyond a smile or a wave, and then you stopped seeing him all together. You tried, for the sake of your promise to Steve, but he never answered your calls or texts.

“We’ll figure it out together, right, thanks a lot Steve,” You muttered.

You jumped at the sound of your phone ringing, and your shoulders sank a bit when you saw Sam’s name flashing across the screen, “Hey.”

“He’s doing an interview,” You knew exactly who Sam was talking about, “Good Morning America.”

Your stomach turned, “That’s the last thing I want to see.”

“I know, I just thought I’d share my joy with someone,” Sam chuckled, “Any luck with Bucky?”

“I’m just wasting my time at this point,” You could feel the tears returning to your eyes as you said it.

“Hey, come on now, he’ll come around, he just needs some time.”

“Right…”

“Listen, I called because we have a lead, wanna join?”

“Please.”

“I hate it, his stupid face plastered on every wall, it feels like he’s mocking us.”

“Don’t you start, Y/N.”

“Seriously Sam, I get that he’s the new Cap – the fake Cap, but don’t you think that this,” You gestured to the posters around you, “is excessive?”

“It-”

“Shouldn’t have given up the shield.” Your heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice and your face heated up with anger, you hadn’t realized it was possible to feel such contrasting emotions at the same time, but here you were. You noted that his voice was a bit hoarse and wondered if he had been sick.

“Good to see you too, Buck.”

“This is wrong.”

“So is pushing away everyone who cares about you.” He finally looked at you and you saw shame glistening in those steel blue eyes.

He said nothing before turning back to Sam, “You didn’t know that was gonna happen?”

Wow, ignoring your calls was one thing, but outright ignoring you while you stood in front of him, that caused a different kind of hurt.

You stood in silence as Sam explained where the two of you were headed, trying to push away the pounding in your head, and suddenly, you found yourself in a jet sitting next to Bucky.

“You could have answered, even once. Could’ve at least let me know that you were still alive.”

“I know,” Was all he said.

“We were friends once,” Nothing, “and I still care for you.”

“I know.”

“Four months, a full four months and I didn’t hear a single word from you, I’m going to need more than ‘I know’.”

He sighed, “I’m sorry.”

You could tell that he meant it and didn’t know what more to say, so you got up and headed towards the open door of the plane, “I’ll catch you boys on the ground.”

You watched Sam follow, and considered helping Bucky as he fell through the trees, but you decided against it. He hurt your feelings and now you could call it even.

Super soldiers? How on earth were there more super soldiers?! You didn’t have much time to ponder on the thought as you got kicked in the face by one of them and fell off the semi – definitely should have let Tony make you a helmet like he insisted.

You flew back up only to see him dropping out of a helicopter, Fake Cap, fuck.

“Looks like you guys could use some help,” Your blood boiled at the sight of his cocky grin.

You weren’t winning, and you weren’t stupid enough to continue trying, let Steve’s knock-off take care of it.

You flew off just in time to see Bucky lying on top of Sam, the latter groaned in displeasure.

“Hey, can you gentlemen save the PDA for later?” You joked, earning a glare from both of them.

With the adrenaline slowly draining from your system, the pain from the blows you took started to set in, making you dread the trek in front of you. As if on cue, you heard a horn honking and Fake Cap pulled up next to you, “It’s 20 miles to the airport, you guys need a ride.”

“I think we’re good,” You simply stated.

“You won’t make it with that limp.”

You gave him a crude smile, “I’d rather crawl.”  

They stopped and opened the door, you exchanged a look with Sam and Bucky, silently deciding to join them.

You sat between Bucky and Sam, and felt the anger and disgust radiating off of both of them with every word that was exchanged.

“Y/N Stark,” You despised the way he said your last name, like he wanted to devour you, “You are one of the original seven, I trust you know the importance of having a strong team. I’d suggest giving a word or two of advice to your friends here.”

“Did you really just compare being on a team with you two, to being on a team with the Avengers?” You glowered at him, “A word of advice Walker, you’re not Steve, you might be holding that shield, but you will never be half the Captain America that he was. So quit fucking pretending.”  

“I didn’t realize Stark’s sister had such a mouth on her,” He smirked, he knew exactly what he was doing and as much as you hated to admit it, it was working, “Vicious.”

“Go to hell.”

The ride didn’t last very long after that, and you had no complaints when Bucky demanded them to stop the car.

You opened your eyes and rolled over to see Sam still asleep on the seats across from you, and Bucky was sitting on the large crate in the middle of the jet, “Not tired?”

“Nah,” He shook his head.

You pushed yourself to your feet and hopped up next to him, “You’d think they’d make those seats a bit more comfortable considering the amount of time we spend on these things.”

He chuckled and the two of you fell into a comfortable silence. After a considerable pause he turned to you, “Y/N, I meant what I said earlier, I’m sorry.”

The dark bags under his eyes were a stark contrast from the beautiful blue that you were looking into, which you noted which had lost its luster. You noticed that his voice still had a bit of that hoarseness from earlier in the day, and the dots connected. You remembered how hoarse your voice used to get when you’d wake up screaming from the nightmares after particularly rough missions. You understood why he was awake, he didn’t want you and Sam to see him like that.

You nodded, “I know, I just wish – I was worried sick about you. I know it hasn’t been easy for you Buck, but we were good friends once and I miss you.”

“I wanted to call, it’s just been tough,” He admitted, and you reached over to take his hand, only to quickly pull away as Sam woke up.

“You two okay?”

“Yeah,” You both said. You wondered if Bucky’s super soldier ability allowed him to hear the way your heartbeat picked up from that brief touch.

Your mind was racing a million miles a minute, you had barely kept the tears in listening to Isaiah’s story, both out of anger and sadness. How? How did this happen? How was this man tortured, then brushed under the rug? How did no one know about it? Why the hell did Bucky keep this from you?

Sam mirrored your pained expression, but something darker lurked beneath his eyes, you couldn’t even imagine the rage he felt. The sound of a police siren pulled you out of your thoughts.

Your anger only grew at the argument that ensued, “I am calm, what do you want? We’re just standing here talking.”

“Just give him your ID,” You glared at Bucky as the words left his mouth.

“Why the hell should he? He didn’t do anything wrong!” You growled, at the same time Sam said, “I’m not giving him shit, we were just talking.”

“Hey, hey, look, is this guy bothering you?” The officer asked you and Bucky. Your eyes widened, he can’t be serious right now.

“No, he’s not bothering us, do you know who this is?!”

You couldn’t even stand to look at the guy as his jaw dropped in shock upon realizing who Sam was, you felt your body shake with anger, and you didn’t even want to think what would have happened if Sam hadn’t been an Avenger.

The officer returned from his vehicle and turned the tables, announcing that there was a warrant out for Bucky’s arrest.

Watching him being handcuffed and put into the car shattered your heart, if the events of the day hadn’t already left you feeling nauseous, you knew this would be the nail in the coffin. All you could see was Bucky on his knees with a gun to his head nearly seven year ago when Steve barely prevented T’Challa from killing him and the four of you had been arrested – Tony had been furious with you, but it was the shame in Bucky’s eyes that had hurt you the most, and here you were, witnessing it again.

You reached over a grabbed Sam’s hand and squeezed as hard as you could, desperate for a lifeline to keep you from sinking into those painful memories.

You maintained that same grip on the poor man’s hand as you sat at the police station waiting for Bucky to be bailed out, “Sam, Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you two, I’m Dr. Raynor, I’m James’ therapist.”

The two of you shook her hand and Sam thanked her for getting Bucky out.

“That was not me –”

“Christina!” You’d recognize that voice anywhere from the way it made your skin crawl, fuck, “Good to see you again.”

You clenched your jaw to keep yourself from punching the stupid grin off of his face as he pointed to himself when Dr. Raynor asked him who authorized Bucky’s release. You knew you had a problem with constantly wanting to punch people in the face, it was a trait that ran in the family, but Walker’s face was definitely one of the most punchable ones you had seen – a good ol’ pop in the jaw wouldn’t hurt, right? Just one?

“He’s too valuable of an asset to have him tied up –”

That was it, that was all you were willing to hear, you couldn’t stop yourself from getting in his face and hissing, “Call him that again, and I swear to god Walker, I –”

Sam put his arm around you, hand pressed to your stomach and pulled you back, “Y/N.”

Walker simply smirked and turned back to Raynor, “Do what you have to do and send him off to me. Got some unfinished business, him and I, you too Wilson, and bring your guard dog with you.”

It took everything in your power to keep from snarling at him.  

“James, condition of your release, session now,” The doctor ordered, “You two as well.”

“I’m good, I’ve been to enough therapy,” You shook your head, at the same time Sam said, “That’s okay, I’ll be out here with –”

“That wasn’t a request,” You couldn’t help but chuckle, and decided that you liked this woman.

You and Sam sat on either side of Bucky, facing Dr. Raynor as she got started. You couldn’t help but notice the way Bucky’s eyes shifted and jaw clenched as Sam tried to weasel his way out of the session, and your chest tightened. He looked so tired, and not just the ‘hasn’t slept in a few days’ tired, but more like he was tired of trying – he looked broken.

You decided in that moment that you would try, and not just for Steve, but for the man next to you who had held a piece of your heart before he even knew you, and managed steal that piece away when you had met him years later.

You realized how hard you’d have try when Bucky answered Dr. Raynor’s question with, “In my miracle, he would talk less.”

“Exactly what I was gonna say, isn’t that ironic?” You sighed, so hard.

She turned to you, mimicking the expression on your face, “Y/N, can I trust you to give me a proper answer?”

Try, Y/N, try. You saw a glimmer of hope in Raynor’s eyes as they met yours, but you simply shrugged and looked away, unable to bring yourself to open up, and she let her shoulders fall slightly.

“You guys are leaving me with no choice. It’s time for the soul-gazing exercise. Y/N, you can sit this one out, you get along with both of them well enough.”

You rolled your eyes at the reactions from the boys, this’ll be good. You couldn’t help but chuckle as they got closer to one another, maybe I should have taken part in this exercise. They made eye contact and continued to hold it, you realized what they were doing moments before the doctor did and let out a genuine laugh – earning a glare from Raynor, don’t encourage them she seemed to say.

“James, why does Sam aggravate you? And don’t say something childish.” Your head filled with a hundred different ideas about what stupid things Bucky would come up with, only to have them fizzle away at his cheeky grin towards the doctor, followed by the lick of his lip. It left your throat dry. Snap out of it, Y/N, what’s gotten into you?

He paused for a moment, his expression changing, and turned back to Sam, “Why’d you give of that shield?”

You held your breath, you knew this was going to come up, but weren’t expecting it here. You couldn’t take your eyes off of Bucky, noticing every change in his face, it becoming more pained with every word that left his mouth, and your chest tightening alongside it, until finally, “So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me.”

The break in his voice cracked your heart into a million pieces. You looked up, trying to keep the tears swimming in your eyes from falling. You turned your attention towards Sam and noticed the emotion behind his glassy eyes – it was different than anything you had seen in him before, it was almost as though you could see the burden he was carrying on his shoulders, the pressure that was pushing him in every direction.

I have to fix this, you told yourself, you couldn’t stand to see them like this, I have to try.  

Your mind was roaring with thoughts, you hadn’t even noticed that Sam and Bucky had left until Raynor asked, “What would be in your miracle, Y/N?”

You snapped your head towards her, then to the door, you weighed your options and headed towards the latter. You grabbed the handle and stopped, without turning towards her you whispered, “I’d find a home again, and they’d find some happiness.”

You pulled the door open, “Y/N, I don’t think those two things have to be separate.”

Her words swam in your head until you found Bucky and Sam walking outside, Walker and Hoskins storming off in the other direction.

“What’s that all about?”

“Walker being Walker,” Sam shrugged.

“So, what now?”

“Bucky wants to talk to Zemo,” Every memory that you spent years trying to forget came flooding back: Zemo using those words to turn Bucky into the Winter Soldier, who then proceeded to trash the compound and nearly kill you and your friends; watching your family fight each other at the airport and being forced to pick a side; watching the footage of your parents dying; desperately begging your brother and the man who had become your brother not to kill one another.

“You what?!” You gasped.

“Y/N –”

You stepped between the two of them, close enough to Bucky that you had to tilt your head up to look into his eyes, and whispered, “Bucky, no.”

“This might be our only lead, Y/N,” You stared up at him, silently pleading him, he reflected the same in his own, “Please Y/N.”

He took your hand and you instantly melted, “I – fine, but promise me you will be careful.”

“I promise.”

End. 

Read Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6

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[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Love Cuts Deep

Chapter 14- New World Order

Summary: With the world back to it’s usual business, and the Avenger’s base on a long road to recovery. You and Bucky begin a new chapter in Brooklyn, New York City.

Warning: just fluff really, and some spicy talk maybe a little suggestive themes if you will

Masterlist

It’s been about three months since the events leading up to the dusting of Thanos’ whole army and the death of that giant purple bastard. Ninety-one days since Tony Starks funeral, and 2184 hours since your entire world changed for the better.

Although you’d be a sore liar if you said you didn’t miss your old life with everyone at the Avengers Facility. Even with such a dramatic new change to your life now, you miss Natasha, you miss your late night talks with Steve, and maybe you even miss that little shithead raccoon. But there has been an emerging inner peace with what you gained that just about outweighs your heavy losses.

Someone who’s brought you unconditional love and understanding in your blooming state, someone who’s helped to draw your grief and anguish out of your vessel and transform it into something golden and pure. Your sweet Bucky. If someone last year was to claim at this time you’d be living in an apartment in New York with the love of your life. Well, you’d probably have swiftly made them regret it.

But now, things are better, not one hundred percent fantastic and awesome. But so much better then yourself an entire year ago could ever have even imagined. And that’s good enough for you.

Staring intently down at your little houseplant, you gently spray it with a spray bottle before standing back to admire your caretaking skills. Not too bad. Not too bad at all. Face shifting to that of a stern army general, you get down real close to the leaves so that your face is mere inches from the soaked plant, “I hope you drink this up okay? Bucky thinks I’m gonna kill you and I’m not losing that bet to him. No sir, so don’t you die on me.” The tiny fern keeps silent for obvious reasons at your little pep talk, it’s green leaves protruding beautifully outward as you set the spray bottle onto the countertop.

“He’s gonna owe me fifty dollars if you last till October, and I don’t even care about the money. I just want bragging rights.” You whisper before standing up and wandering over to the living room window.

The city lights are glowing vibrantly in the nights atmosphere, cars and people alike traveling down below your apartment building, oblivious to the whereabouts of two Avengers a couple stories above their very heads. Two ex-assissins. Both products of Hydra. Damn you’ve got a loaded history.

“Y/N! Are you coming!” There’s a long pause of silence from your bedroom that causes you to open your mouth to answer, but before you’re able to say anything in reply, Bucky yells out, “Also I can’t find my white t-shirt, do you know where it is?! Actually never mind I’m going shirtless!”

You let out a humored snort before swiftly turning on your heel and walking down the hallway until you finally reach your bedroom door, “You know we have neighbors right?”

Bucky sends you a shy smile as he disappears into the bathroom for something, “I’m sure this place has thick walls.” He says while flipping up the ceramic toilet seat.

“Uh huh.” You mutter unconvinced, deciding to search his drawers for a spare sleeping shirt.

Noticing your snooping, Bucky finishes up before flushing the toilet and wandering out the door until he’s practically leaning against your shoulder, “Don’t you have clothes?” Questions Bucky with a small chuckle as you throw him a look.

“I need ones to sleep in.” You casually protest as he slowly nods, clearly not getting your admittedly vague point.

“Don’t you have one to sleep in?”

Picking out a grey shirt of his, you shut the dresser before taking off yours, “All my shit got destroyed when Thanos blew up the base. So I’m limited with the stuff I did buy.” He watches as you unintentionally flash him before pulling on his sleep shirt, “And I’m not exactly eager to be out and about right now. I’m still getting used to the new amount of people on this planet. Also I don’t like shopping......or people.”

Bucky nods in understanding as he follows you to the bed, though he can’t quit suppress his chuckles, “Okay fine.”

Throwing the blanket back, you raise a brow at him for that humored yet blunt remark, “Did you not want me to take this one?” You ask, speaking like you’re talking to a little puppy just to tease him more.

Rolling his beautiful blues, Bucky gets into bed as you do the same, “No. Its fine, I don’t actually care.”

Chuckling, you move to sit next to him as he lays on his back, “Good. Cause you’re shirtless and I think I like you better that way. Means I can tickle you easier.”

“Don’t you dare tickle me Y/N or I will lock you out of the bathroom again I swear.” Warns Bucky as he quickly pulls the blanket over his muscular body while you start laughing at him.

“I wasn’t gonna do that. No....definitely not.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Huh well, guess you won’t be able to cuddle me then if you don’t trust me...” Throwing the blanket off of him, Bucky quickly engulfs you into his strong arms as you squeak with surprise, pulling you down so that he can be the big spoon for tonight.

“Now you’re trapped.” Mumbles Bucky against your shoulder as his chest pushes at your back when he laughs. He thinks he’s so funny.

Holding his arm that’s pressed against your body, you gently pat it as he hums in content, “Buck, I’m thoroughly enjoying this actually so just keep your arm there, even if it falls asleep you’re not allowed to move it sucker. That’s the rules.”

“Well maybe I like those rules. Sucker.” Chuckles Bucky as you bite your lip to keep from laughing. “Now go to sleep, it’s been a long week.”

“Fine.” You mumble into the darkness as a yawn hits you right after. Soon your breaths become steady and calm as you both lay there for another thirty minutes. You are tired, it’s just, something keeps you awake that just can’t be satisfied if you keep going on like this.

“Hey.” You whisper, he gives a low hum in reply, “Buck, I forgot to tell you I have a cat.”

Opening an eye, he gently squeezes your stomach, “You have a cat? Y/N what....how...uh, where is this cat?

“I gave her to Morgan. So I guess she’s technically not mine anymore, I don’t know. Just felt like telling you that.”

“Thanks for sharing.”

“Anytime.”

The both of you go as silent as ghosts before erupting into a fit of giggles, he buries his face into your hair as his sweet laughter bounces off the walls of your room. Though soon enough does the both of your giggles die down to nothing more then the calming sounds of your breathing.

Your mind dwells with a growing fatigue though your body seems to want something else then slumber, sucking in a soft breath, you hum in thought before whispering, “Bucky.” Just to spark his curiosity.

“Yeah.”

“Uh,” Maybe you shouldn’t be asking this and just let him sleep, “how tired are you?” You ask him anyways.

He pauses for a moment before slowly answering with a mumbled, “Tired.”

You hum in acknowledgment, voice low as you answer him, “oh okay.” Immediately sparking his interest.

“Why?” Asks Bucky, intrigued with your slightly disappointed response.

“Nothing, you said you’re tired so we can sleep.”

Bucky’s head rises off of the pillow as he leans over you to try and look at your face, “Well now I wanna know so tell me.” States Bucky in curiosity before catching himself, eyes softer now, “Please.”

Sighing, you purse your lips together, knowing he’s still leaned against your shoulder but deciding to spill anyways as you half-sheepishly whisper, “I’m kinda horny.”

“Kinda?” Chuckles Bucky in an almost teasing manner as you snort.

“Listen you little shithead, I know we did it the other day but I haven’t had sex in five goddamn years give me a break for being a bit horny despite my sleepiness.” You sass, “I’m just, I’ve been feeling a lot of things since you’ve come back. And I yunno, didn’t wanna come off too strong at first so...uh...yeah.”

Bucky hums in thought, “Right, right....yeah.”

Maybe he is too tired? You let out a little huff of slight embarrassment before turning your head to face him better, “It’s just how I’m feeling right now but if you’re too tired that’s really fine with me okay Buc...oh uh...mhmm...” Your worries lost to the wind as his fingers begin slipping underneath your shirt, plush lips pressing feather light kisses against your neck to shut you up from your restless mind. His digits graze over your hardened nibble before Bucky pulls your body flush to his, stubbled chin pressed against your shoulder as he plants a tiny kiss there.

You smile into the darkness when his kisses trail up from from your shoulder to your neck and finally your cheek, he slowly turns you onto your back as his lips plant butterfly kisses all over your face as you begin chuckling at how undeniably adorable he’s being right now. Mhmm hmm you could get used to this.

His arms slip from out of your sleep shirt, soon trapping you to the bed as he hovers over your heavenly vessel, granting you with a plethora of lovely kisses all over your heated skin like he’s exploring you for the first time all over again. Your hands instinctively trail through his shortened dark locks while he draws your legs apart with his muscular torso, doing everything to further spark your growing excitment.

Tonight will indeed be wonderful.

——

Waking up from out of a decently pleasant slumber, you suck in a deep breath to awaken the senses for the day, hands feeling around the rumpled up sheets for your snuggle buddy only to find nothing but an empty bedside. He’s gotten unbelievably good at sneaking out of bed it’s honestly one of the most impressive things he can do.

Your eyes scan the semi-closed window shades to reveal a glowing darkness, it’s only 5:00am, and you know exactly where he’s gone off to even after keeping him up for half the night. Instantly you’ve slipped out of bed, not bothering to turn on the lights as you quietly wander down the hallway until you reach the living room.

Past the small kitchen, and to the left of the single lounge chair, there he is. Snoozing like a meaty log of pure muscle and Vibranium as he lays on a thin blanket flush against the hardware floor. Another blanket covering his lower half as he shifts a bit in his sleep, he’s restless. Your eyes soften at your lover, he’s been doing this recently since Steve left and the world sucked Bucky back into reality. You’ve had plenty of time to adjust of course, but for Bucky, he’s had three months since you two parted from the comfort of Wakanda to live in America as part-time Avengers.

Technically he’s only free from the government and jail time for that matter because he was pardoned by the president and thus was forced to agree upon attending mandated therapy for everything the Winter Soldier did in the past. While you on the other hand were pardoned for war crimes and your involvement with the terrorist organization Hydra because of your status as an Avenger.

Also you’re technically only still allowed to live in the United States because you live with Bucky, who is conveniently from America, so you get a free pass as long as you two plan on residing under the same roof. So it works out for you.

Suddenly his labored breaths quicken and a second later he jolts awake, now drawing himself into a seated position as little beads of sweat shine in the light of the glowing television screen that shows some unimportant sports game.

His chest rises and falls before his blue eyes blink back the vivid fuzziness of his latest nightmare, gaze slowly shifting over to you once he realizes another body is near him. When his irises catch you in the full glow of the tv, he immediately lowers his head in slight embarrassment.

“Did I wake you up again?” Mutters Bucky, almost sounding like he’s mad at himself for letting you find him like this once more.

Shaking your head, you swiftly move to seat yourself at his level before leaning your back against the lounge chair, “You never wake me up Bucky, I think I have a sixth sense for you or something cause when you leave I just know.” You chuckle lightly as he shifts himself closer to you, “Also I miss you next to me.”

His head presses against the corner of the chair as he leans down to leave a light kiss on your shoulder, “I’m sorry. I just.....I don’t want to startle you when I’m having a nightmare and wake up, well, like that.”

Turning to face him, you reach a comforting hand up to gently run it through his shortened dark hair, “You can’t scare me off that easily Barnes. I could probably be classified as the monster under your bed if we’re talking about scary things at night.”

He reveals the ghost of a smile while leaning into your touch, “I know Y/N, it’s just not fair that I do this more then I should. You shouldn’t have to wake up all alone after living like that for five fucking years....I shouldn’t be doing this.”

“oh James..” You whisper while scooting closer so that your bent knees are against his own, hand now snaked down so that you can intertwine your hands with his, “...it’s not your fault the nightmares are coming back. And as much as I miss having you near me, sometimes we all need our space when things get internally rough. I get it, believe me. But don’t ever feel sorry okay? You have nothing to say sorry for, at least not to me alright?”

Bucky nods, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze while he shows the flash of a smile, “Okay.” Whispers Bucky, eyes falling down to your intertwined fingers before he finds your gaze once more, “Let’s go to bed, the sun will be up soon and I have a therapy session today.”

“Therapy is good for you Bucky.”

He rolls his eyes as you laugh at his annoyed expression, “You are my therapy.” Protests your lover before standing and pulling you up with him.

Hugging his torso affectionately, you smirk up at him, “Wrong answer James.” Holding back a genuine grin, he simply leans down to press his lips against yours. Doing his best to shut you up from further mentioning his required therapy sessions that he absolutely loathes to attend. 

——

Hands stuffed deep within your jacket pockets, you wander in step with Bucky who brushes his right arm against yours every couple of steps on the cement sidewalk of Brooklyn. You patiently waited the full forty-five minute session for him, knowing all too well that the second he walked out of there and saw your beautiful face. He’d be significantly less grumpy then before, just as you’d suspected.

Turning your head to face him, he keeps looking straight ahead though he’s aware enough to know you’re about to say something about the session, “You didn’t mention the nightmares did you.” Bucky huffs, annoyed at getting so easily caught by your observant intellect about him. You can read him like a book.

“No.” A blunt answer, he knows there’s no point in lying. “She thinks I need to call more people. Be more social or something.....it’s stupid.” He grumbles to himself though your ears catch it all the same.

You hum in agreement, “Well it wouldn’t kill you to call Sam, I know he tries to text you sometimes...”

“Does he text you?”

“Yeah.” You reply before playfully nudging his arm, “And unlike you, I answer. He’s just a concerned friend, which is nice, you need those kind of people.”

“I don’t need anyone but you Y/N. I’m good, really.”

Rolling your eyes, you snort as he throws you a half offended look, “Babe, I love you. But it’s admittedly a good thing to have other friends other then me. I know this from experience as we both know, so, give him a call sometime okay? For me.”

“Ugh, fine.” He begrudgingly mutters, “But only for you, that’s it.” Smiling brightly at him, you’re about to add something else when the sounds of your friend Yori rings loud in the bustle of the city as he argues with his annoyance of a neighbor, Unique. Something about trash and putting it in the wrong bin.

Bucky soon comes to the rescue and quickly puts an end to the argument before Yori decides to throw hands and gets himself in trouble. The stubborn old man gives up on his yelling and soon Bucky is able to convince him to get lunch with the two of you.

To the sushi place you go.

“Nobody made it past 90 this week.” Says Yori sadly as you lean against Bucky’s shoulder to catch a glimpse of the newspaper that he’s holding in one hand while you use your chopsticks to stuff a chunk of sushi in your mouth.

“So young. Such a shame.” Mutters Bucky with a shake of his head while he takes another bite of his meal.

“You guys didn’t order the usual, huh? Feeling a little adventurous?” Smiles Leah as you take a sip of your water, she loves when you three come in during her shift. Honestly she’s heard a lot of your complaining over the last couple weeks, though it’s usually just about some city annoyance since you don’t want to scare her off with all the real shit you’ve dealt with. You’re trying to make friends after all.

You acknowledge her with a raise of your drink before setting it on the glass counter, “Oh yeah, I like to live a little on the wild side..” You add with a laugh, “..unfortunately I tend to drag them along with me.”

Yori nods, “I enjoy the adventure.” Before pointing to Bucky, “It’s him right here who is scared of getting his feet wet.”

Leah laughs at the adorably confused face of Bucky as he sends the old man a look while you snicker in amusement. “Yori.” Warns Bucky without an once of aggression while you give his shoulder a gentle squeeze of affection.

“What?” Protests Yori, “I am right and you know it. Y/N am I not right?”

“Oh, you’re definitely not wrong.” Bucky pouts as you give his stumbled cheek a light peck, eyes set back onto your delicious sushi as he pretends to be annoyed by you and and Yori’s teasing.

The three of you continue to chomp down on your weekly lunch days meal at the usual sushi spot for another minute longer. Yori’s eyes suddenly sparking with a thought that you know he’s absolutely not going to keep to himself.

“You know what?” Whispers Yori as he leans in closer to Bucky, quit obviously pointing a finger towards you though you simply ignore them as he continues, “You better treat your woman well okay? She’s a good one...Ah I have a perfect idea. You go on a date, like dancing or....or, bingo.” Suggests the old man as your smile grows.

Bucky’s brows furrow as he whispers back, “We’re already dating.”

Yori nods, “You misunderstand my point, you must keep the flame going always okay? Very important, very important. When was the last time you gave her flowers huh? Went to the park? Whooed her..”

“I bought her a plant.” Says Bucky defensively as he side eyes you, “I, I whoo her.”

The old man smiles, “Good, good. That’s how you keep them around for a long time. Don’t forget that, I know what I’m talking about.”

“I’m sure you do.” Mumbles Bucky as you suppress the urge to laugh at their adorable conversation about how to treat a significant other right. That significant other being you.

——

Seated crisscrossed on the wooden floor of yours and Bucky’s shared apartment, a single thin blanket underneath you, your eyes squint suspiciously at Bucky like you don’t believe a single thing he’s saying. He’s seated on a pillow across the small coffee table, raising a dark brow at you while he holds back a growing smirk.

Your eyes soon shift down to the board before slowly trailing over his forced stoic face, “Well, Mr. Barnes....you’re a strong captain I’ll admit. But I am a skilled sea traveler of my own. E7.” His blue irises flicker down to his board, expression shifting ever so slightly in irritation, you got him.

Biting his lip, his hands move from behind the plastic board of the game that you can’t see, “How about that.” States Bucky with a genuinely impressed nod, “You sunk my battleship.”

Instantly your hands ball into fists, “Yessss.” You whisper joyously as your eyes squint in happiness for your first ever win against the literal master of Battleship. “Ha ha sucker! I won! I fucking won!” You shout with passion as he leans back on one arm to watch you jump up into a theatrical victory dance. God he loves you so much. You dangerous little goofball.

Swinging your arm dramatically in a circle, you shake your hips before winding down your dramatics to wander on over to Bucky who’s still seated on the floor, shimmering blues never leaving yours. Smirking victoriously, you crouch down to meet his humored gaze, “I think I deserve a prize.....and by prize I mean you get me those gummy worm things from the corner store. I deserve it after all.”

He tilts his head, the corners of his mouth rising as his eyes flicker to your lips for a brief moment, “Do you now?” He smiles lovingly though a sudden mischief sparkles in his eyes.

“Yes. This was the first time I ever won so I definitely deserve some type of reward for my efforts.” You state justly, eyes narrowing as you add, “Or I will battle you, and I’m not talking about the game.”

Bucky tilts his head up, an alluring smile playing at his plush pink lips while his eyes flicker to your mouth once again, oh he is certainly not going to get you naked in an attempt at swaying your mind from those gummies. You’re an ex-assassin who deserves some damn gummies every once in awhile. And his ass is gonna get you them, it’s only fair after all.

“Y/N.” Coos Bucky in that sultry voice of his, metal hand reaching up to touch your beautiful face, but as his fingers come within an inch of your precious skin. You shoot a hand up to clasp against his in an iron grip, blue eyes immediately going big when you tuck and roll. Taking his whole body with you.

In the swift aftermath, you’re able to skillfully pin him to the ground with relative ease. Both your hands pressed firmly against his naked wrists as you lean your face mere inches from his own, “I warned you, didn’t I?” You tease playfully as he breaks out into an inviting grin.

“I have something else in mind that you’ll absolutely love.” Assures Bucky with a telling expression that does nothing to hide the lust that flashes through them.

“In that case, pin me to the floor. And I’m all yours for the evening.” You whisper slyly as he practically shivers underneath your touch, “But if I win, you gotta travel two blocks for those delicious bitches. Khorosho, lyubov' moya?” You add in your native tongue of Russian, translating to “okay, my love” before pressing your forehead against his, eyeing him up like a bull ready to fight.

Bucky lets out a little sigh, something between annoyance and pleasure, “Fine. But you’re going dow...” Your lips crash against his in a hot second of passion before you quickly pull away, letting go of his wrists as you move to stand in a defensive position nearby.

Slowly blinking, he lets out a little huff before pulling himself to his full height, eyes trailing over you as he raises a brow, “Now that wasn’t fair.”

You casually shrug, “What wasn’t fair? We made a deal Barnes.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at your teasing, “You know what I...okay, okay. We’re really doing this?”

You shrug at his adorable expression, “You either have to walk 2 blocks in the dark for my treat, or a night of undeniably fantastic sex is within your reach. Not that I wouldn’t enjoy it, it’s the principle of the thing here. So, I’m going to fight you James Buchanan Barnes.” Oh and you used his full name too, Bucky knows without a doubt, it’s on.

He reveals a little smirk at that, “Guess I don’t have much of a choice. Hmm alright hot stuff let’s do this.” Muses your lover as he draws his hands up into fists, ever so slowly approaching you like a wary predator to their opposing rival. Not so sure if this is going to be a fight he can win or not, well, it sure won’t be an easy one.

When he’s within arms reach, you swiftly duck under his swift jab to your right arm, shooting a leg out to push him away from you while your body twists around to meet him. “Cheap shot.” Mumbles Bucky, calculated gaze studying your every movement as you slowly wander closer to him.

Looking as innocent as ever, “I want some gummy worms, I’ll break you little man.” Accent dripping with every word, further arousing Bucky though he tries to play it off with a laugh and a shake of his head.

Soon the two of you engage in a swiftly heated battle of hand to hand combat showing your admittedly intense skills of what only a former assassin could display so fluidly. Your two bodies moving like seasoned dancers across the hardwood flooring of your apartment, though you’re surprisingly able to keep relatively quiet as he blocks your fists. Can’t disturb those pesky neighbors.

Bucky shifts left just as you narrowly scrape your right elbow against his shoulder with a high jab from your elbows desperate upper cut, you slide on the hardwood under the false presumption that he’s out of reach when his flesh arm swings out to catch you in your stomach with a loud hollow thud. Ouch!

Instantly your throat emits a strange squeak as you feel the air knocked out of your precious lungs, clearly you had not anticipated this turn of events and neither does Bucky who immediately looks like he just accidentally stepped on a puppies little paw. “Y/N!” Worries Bucky with wide eyes as you keep hunched over, trying to suck in some needed oxygen.

Pulling some air into your lungs, you pretend to hobble over to the couch like a beaten down boxer, “Mm hmgood, yep.” You rasp out, resting your upper half on the couch as Bucky quickly approaches your side. But before he’s able to lay a comforting hand onto your shoulder, you swing a decorative pillow right at his head.

The puffy fabric knocks him onto his ass, earning a surprised grunt in the process as you tower above him, smirking like a trickster goddess over a poor lost and lonely traveler. Bucky rubs his reddened cheek, brows furrowed as he whines, “Y/N.” Like a little child who just got something taken from them by another kid.

Smirking a satisfied grin, you kneel down to meet his level, raising up a hand to gently draw his chin upwards to face you better, “That hurt you dickhead.” You muse as Bucky pouts, “ Y/N, I didn’t mean too..”

“I know.” You chuckle, “Now make it better.” You slyly add with a suggestive implication in your tone that causes Bucky to raise a brow. Letting go of his stubbled chin, you seat yourself onto the floor, facing Bucky as he reaches his metal hand out to pull you in closer to him.

Just about shoulder to shoulder with him, he gently presses his Vibranium hand to your cheek before pulling your face closer to his, soon the two of you lock lips with one another as his other hand snakes around to pull you onto him.

Ever so gently do you follow him to the floor as he continues to passionately make out with you like there’s no tomorrow. Metal and flesh hand feeling you up from your breasts to your bum as you straddle your man, hands trailing through his shortened hair while he fully enjoys this new positioning and turn of events.

Bucky presses wet kisses all around your cheeks and lips while he begins nonchalantly unbuttoning your pants, clearly hoping this will continue further and that all thoughts of those delicious gummy worms are out the door. You won’t lie to yourself though, caging Bucky’s thick torso underneath your opened legs is an admittedly pleasant experience to say the least.

So when he snakes his hands up under your shirt and starts messaging your breasts through the fabric of your bra, your mind begins thinking of some other things a bit more important then some simple treat from the local corner store. He knows just how to turn his favorite lover into a pile of puddy with nothing more then his mouth and fingers. This little shithead isn’t even inside you yet, you’re not even naked for goodness sakes!

But alas, a bet is a bet, and you don’t like to lose. Smirking into the kiss, and holding back a moan as Bucky’s digits squeeze your soft breasts, you tug on his hair before pulling away from his pleasantly inviting lips. Earning a palpable pout of confusion from your man, who’s noticeably grown hard against your bum.

“Y/N?”

“Bucky.” You tease back, imitating his voice once again as he throws you a puzzled look, “Don’t give me that shit Barnes I know what you’re trying to do.”

“And what am I trying to do?” Sasses Bucky as he rests his hands onto either side of your hips.

You raise a brow down at him, “These shenanigans.”

Bucky smiles, head falling back onto the floor as he laughs, “That’s not, no I’m not doing any shenanigans I swear....I just, maybe I just want to show my girl how much I love her.” Replies Bucky, though you stay unconvinced.

“We had a deal remember?”

“Yeah well, none of us won so..”

“Oh really?” You challenge, “Then why are you on your back and I’m right here as the victorious one? Who by the way has earned her gummy worms fair and square James Buchanan Barnes.”

Bucky groans, “oh come on Y/N....I can’t go now. Have some pity on me please?”

“And why not?”

He gently gives your hips an affectionate squeeze, “Because, my beautiful she-wolf who I love so very much and cherish every day of my life forever and alw..”

“Get to the point I want those damn gummies.” You threaten with a stern look though he knows you don’t truly mean it of course, but he has successfully annoyed you. “What is the problem this time?”

Bucky throws you a sheepish grin as he takes one of your hands in his, “Because I’m hard.” Sincere and straight to the point.

Pursing your lips together in amused irritation, you remove his hand from your hip, “Well, you did that to yourself babe I can’t help how amazing I am just existing. Really get over yourself.” You playfully tease before standing above him as his eyes never once leave your beautiful face, “Those gummies aren’t going to buy themselves.”

Bucky sighs dramatically shaking his head as he whispers, “You’re a monster of the greatest evil.” Smiling like a lovestruck idiot despite his neutrally spoken words.

You chuckle, stepping over him to pick up a pillow, “That’s me. Now don’t give me a reason to show you my claws.”

He quickly rises to his full height, another fallen pillow in hand as he tries to hide his hardened member behind it like some shitty magic act, “I’m just, I’m gonna hold this pillow for you. Not important why.”

“Uh huh.” You muse as he watches you clean up Battleship, putting all the pieces away and into the particular box before shoving it underneath the couch. When you go to fold the furniture's decorative blanket, a knock is heard at the door.

“Not it.” Mutters Bucky as you throw him an annoyed glance, already aware of who this is by their familiar scent. You walk over to the door and open it as Bucky hides in the background, pillow still covering his tented crotch.

“Hello Mrs. Brego you need help with your windows again?” You speak in Italian to your neighbor from down the hall. The old woman smiles before giving you a little shake of her head indicating a no.

“No dear, just telling you there’s cops downstairs for that guy from Chicago I think, so if you plan on going out. I wouldn’t choose tonight, the whole lobby is filled with people I think he might have been into drugs.” Warns the sweet old woman as you slowly nod, knowing all to well that Bucky most certainly heard everything.

Faking a smile, you shrug, “Wasn’t planning on going out tonight anyways. Well, thanks again. See you when I see you.” She smiles brightly before turning to walk down the hallway and into her own apartment, you watch until she shuts her door just to make sure nothing bad happens on your time.

Feeling comfortable that’s she’s fine, you shut and lock the door, pursing your lips as you turn around to face a smirking Bucky. He’s still holding the pillow against his junk, but he looks incredibly full of himself standing there with that stupidly handsome face of his. Those eyes. That smile. His body......no, focus.

Bucky goes to open his mouth but before he can say something sarcastic you throw a hand up to stop him, “Not a word.” You deadpan before turning to walk down the hallway, stopping yourself to glance over your shoulder, “Give me five minutes and then you can come to bed. But you better be naked or else.”

Bucky snorts as you practically swagger down the short hallway and into your shared bedroom. Closing the door as you prepare yourself for a late night of adventuring each others bodies.

Oh tonight will be something indeed.

-

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[aenngelic]

I will protect her at all costs (chapter 2)

Disclaimer: please don’t hate me for it, if you don’t ship them please just don’t read it ok 🥲

contains: slow burn, Sniper falling in love with Kuon, Snipers view/thoughts, sexual fantasies, nudity, lemon stuff overall

It is a very long chapter I’m sorry

Note: please feel free to message me if you have certain romantic moments to include in the story! (Already running out of ideas oops)

It did not take long for us to find a bag of supplies. It was on a coffee table in some sort of lobby area. It seemed as if this building probably was meant to represent some kind of hotel, which I thought was a good thing, because that meant that there would be beds and showers to be found here as well. To our surprise, the bag contained mostly candy, which I wouldn't interpret as a balanced meal. However, the girl seemed to like this finding. It was only a matter of minutes before the chocolate residue stained the corners of my companion's mouth in a brown color. However, I preferred to smoke a cigarette at first and watch the girl devour her own body weight in the form of chocolate.

" This is fantastic! It feels like forever since I last ate chocolate! I faintly remember dieting before I entered this world too, so this must have been probably weeks since I held chocolate in my hand." Kuon said with delight. It was amusing to watch her enjoy sweets. Kuon's carelessness may be a burden at times, but her innocent character makes up for it.

" you partly remember your life prior to this, don't you?"

" Yes, not much to be honest. I'm sorry you can't," Kuon replied in a concerned voice.

"Tell me about it."

She gave me a visibly puzzled look before straightening her back so that she was sitting as straight as a candle on the sofa across from me, staring at her hands somewhat lost in thought. She seemed uncomfortable that I had now brought up this topic. Unfortunately, I could not take back my question. "Well," she began, "to be honest,the life I remember has not been the greatest, I guess." Kuon abruptly shook her head. " That's not true either. I was born into a rich family and had many privileges. My father owned a large company and had very high expectations of me from the very beginning. One day I was supposed to take it over. I was probably pretty lucky compared to other people. I was probably a big disappointment for him. My character was just not strong enough in his eyes. I also remember not really having any friends either, because I was privately educated. And anyway..." I could literally hear the lump in Kuon's throat as a tear began to stream down the girl's cheek.

" i'm sorry. You know, I didn't really mean to end up crying."

I felt my heart break once again, watching the girl grieve. I was surprised now, though, to find out that this yet seemingly uncomplicated high school student was actually carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I did not hesitate as I jumped up from my seat to calm the blue-haired girl. I really hated it like the plague when she cried. Trying to preserve my Coolness, however, I grumbled, "oh girl. What's wrong?"

I placed myself to her left, and pressed her against my shoulder while running my hand over her hair a few times. There was no way I could bring myself to face her, though. It would be too embarrassing and, after all, I was far from being the Prince Charming who would dry her tears with a silken tissue. Besides, I could not withstand the sight of her teary eyes. So there I sat, a weeping teenage girl wetting my blazer with salty drops of grief on my right, awkwardly staring off into the distance.

"It's, it's..." she stammered, not being able to form a word. "You're the first person I've been able to trust, and because of that, I'm kind of..."

She took a deep breath, "It makes me so unbelievably happy."

Almost for the second time that day, a cigarette nearly got stuck in my throat, but this time I was able to suppress my urge to cough. The girl seemed to really like me. But did I like her too? I would be lying if I said I did not care about her. And if she got killed, I could never forgive myself. It was astonishing how one could form such a strong bond with another person in such a short period of time. However, pouring out my entire feelings in front of her would not come close to the cool lifestyle I was pursuing.

" i'm also happy to have met you, Kuon.", i finally decided to answer after a moment of figuring out how to respond.

Kuon's face, which was still streaked with tears, started to smile again, which made me feel much relieved. However, it took her a while to completely stop her wailing . We remained in this position for a while, until at some point I realized that the girl had fallen asleep. Her head had lowered in the meantime even further toward the ground, so that after some time she was no longer leaning against my shoulder but much rather against my belly. When I noticed this after some time and looked down to the girl, a cute sight presented itself to me. Admittedly, on the one hand it felt nice to act as this girl's pillow. On the other hand, it triggered an immeasurable amount of embarrassment in me. But cool guys do like to take care of girls' comfort, don't they?

Therefore, I decided I'd rather not wake her up and hardly moved at all. I looked out the window to my right, watching the sunset and reflected on certain issues. I was thinking about Rika as well as the two girls we were trying to find and, of course, about Kuon and so many other things until my eyes started to close.

When I regained consciousness, the night must have settled in. Before I could even perceive my surroundings properly, I swiveled my head once to the left and once to the right and let my gaze wander through the room. Because the moon was particularly bright this night, everything around me had taken on a deep blue tone. It was so quiet around me that I could have heard a pin drop. In the next second I realized that I should not have fallen asleep in the first place. Somebody would have had to keep watch, after all! Crap! If an enemy would have come along the way, it certainly would not have been good for me and Kuon. I looked down to my thigh where the blue-haired girl was supposed to lie. I felt her place her head on my thigh at some point during the night, but when I looked down at my thigh, I could not find any girl. Where the hell was Kuon? A rational thinking person, as I was one, could of course assume that my companion did not necessarily have to be in danger, but could also have simply visited the toilet, for example. Nonetheless, my alarm bells started ringing immediately. Kuon was, after all, a young girl who, apart from the "rail gun", did not posses many possibilities for self-defense. So of course I was worried.

Without thinking much, I hopped up from the sofa, on which I had been napping a few moments before. In quick stride I wandered through the poorly lit hallway without really having a clue where I was heading. My head was foggy from the idea that the girl might be in serious danger. A few days ago, I probably would have accepted the fact that she was suddenly nowhere to be found and continued my journey. And now my stomach was already twisting at the thought of her getting in trouble.

Nevertheless, a short moment later, my heart pounding madly from the ever-repeating scenario in my head, I heard a noise at the end of the corridor. A soft, high-pitched humming was heard, drowned out by the pattering of many drops. Light emerged from the crack of a door on the left. Was she taking a shower? The feeling of relief spread through my chest, followed by some degree of annoyance. Why did the girl not wake me up? I took a few steps towards the door, but before I was about to reach for the door handle, I remembered that I should not do so. A gentleman never violates a lady's privacy. So I decided to wait.

I leaned against the local wall, one leg bent. Then I let my thoughts wander, while the pattering of the raindrops in the bathroom right next to me showed no indication of stopping anytime soon. A lady of high society must spend quite a bit of her life showering, I thought to myself. And before I knew it, the image of Kuon suddenly popped up in my head. In my imagination I pictured her body, wondering what it looked like completely naked. A bar of soap running over her plump breasts, leaving traces of foam on her soft, wet skin. A body swinging under the hot rainfall like a leaf in the wind, presenting its vivid buttocks. I wonder if she was shaved? Hardly had I been able to finish this dirty thought of mine and get mad at my filthy thinking when my ears picked up the sound of footsteps in the distance. And they were coming ominously closer.

Damn, I thought to myself and was about to reach for my rifle, only to realize that I forgot it next to the sofa where I had been sleeping. I had been so upset about her disappearance that I could seriously forget the most crucial item for our survival.What was I going to do? For a brief moment I was at a loss. Escape proved almost impossible at this point, since I was at a dead end and I could not force the approaching enemy down with any surrounding objects. Besides, if I escaped, it would only be a matter of time before the enemy would track down my helpless companion. In the next moment, almost instinctively, I reached for the door handle that led to the bathroom that Kuon had still claimed. Perhaps there were objects in the room that were suitable for fighting, or perhaps we could be lucky and not be found, I speculated in the heat of the moment. So I tore open the door and rushed into the bathroom, greeted by a hot haze that took over the entire area.

"Kuon!" I called out in a hushed tone.

Without hesitation, I pushed my way through the door that separated the shower from the rest of the bathroom as if I was walking through nothing. Until that moment, I had hardly given a thought to the circumstances of this situation. But at the latest, when finally the naked body of a schoolgirl jumped into my field of vision, I quickly realized this again. I was just about to violate Kuon's privacy. An obviously shocked girl looked towards me, that from 1 second to the other tried to cover herself desperately.

"Mr.Ma-", she was about to say, but I interrupted her raised voice by pressing my hand to her lips as quickly as possible.

While I was still in the act of stepping into the shower, I flicked the light switch in the same movement so that no sign of our presence could escape from the room. Maybe they would not find us here, I hoped at this point.

"There's someone out there," I whispered to the naked girl in front of me.

" if we are quiet, maybe we won't be found. If we are, then..."

Kuon replied to me with an unintelligible "Mmm" , which resembled the sound of a frightened gasp. My body had pressed so close to hers by now that I could feel the wetness of her skin soaking through my shirt. I had directed my face facing away from her so that I could sharpen my hearing for the footsteps I could hear. Furthermore , I did not want to add unnecessary tension to the whole situation. It was uncool enough to interfere with a naked girl taking a shower even if it was an emergency. My hand was still resting on her lips and even though I was wearing gloves and looking away, I could clearly feel the warmth building up in Kuon's cheeks. She was obviously blushing in this moment. But having her pressed against the bathroom wall while forcing my hand tightly onto her lips and not even keeping a distance of not 2 inches, I could not blame her.

For quite a while, we did not move at all. We listened closely to the footsteps, which came a little closer and finally slowly moved away from us again. Temporarily it was even so quiet in this bathroom that we could hear each other breathing. Kuon's breathing was fast and almost verged on hyperventilation in this situation. Because there was hardly any distance between our bodies, I could literally feel her chest rising and falling in short intervals. With each rise, her breasts brushed my upper body a slight bit. I tried, as always, to keep my composure and block out the fact that Kuon was completely naked. Only when several minutes had passed did my posture loosen and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Okay, we should be safe for now," I stated and let go of the girl.

I flipped the light switch and had to swallow.

Kuon had been naked before too, but it was only now that the danger was gone that I could really comprehend this fact. She had tried to cover her breasts with her hands and had simultaneously crossed her legs, looking down with a shameful expression on her face. However, the concealment attempt seemed to be unsuccessful for her. Although I only caught a glimpse of her appearance before I turned away from her as quickly as possible, I saw her entire beauty for a moment.Her breasts were in relation to her otherwise so petite body, large and plump. She had a narrow waist and perfectly shaped legs, in combination with her smooth, fair skin. And so she shaved, I could still tell. What remained most imprinted on my mind, however, was the look on her face.I of course preferred to see her friendly smile a thousand times more than this face that expressed pure shame. But I could not help but adore the sight of her big sparkling dog eyes looking at the ground helplessly.

My breath stopped for a moment, but then I quickly cleared my throat, my gaze already averted from her, scanning the room for a towel. I tried to hide the fact that I actually wanted to slap myself for the thoughts I was having. Luckily, my embarrassment was not visible through the mask. I had to change the subject immediately before the situation became even more awkward:

"Sorry, Kuon." , I mumbled. I was surprised myself by my harsh tone. It took me a while to recollect the words.

"You should let me know next time you decide to go somewhere else."

"Oh yeah right. I didn't mean to cause any trouble.", Countered the girl who also seemed to be a bit embarrassed. So it wasn't just me who was feeling uncomfortable about this situation. Without giving my companion another look, I threw a towel right over my head at her. I had a precise aim.

" I'm going to get my rifle. I forgot it in all the hurry near the sofa."

Just as I was about to open the door to step out, the girl interrupted my process by grabbing my arm with unusual intensity.

" can you come back here afterwards? Please?"

"That's what I was planning on doing anyway. I'll be waiting right outside the door," I replied, a bit puzzled by this question.

" but I have -." she interrupted herself, shaking her head slightly before continuing.

Then her facial expression regained its former composure, whereupon she gave me her typical, beaming smile. I could tell, however, that she did not mean it honestly. How I could tell that, I had no idea myself though. But did she want me to stay here with her?

" no you're right. I'll hurry up and be done in a few minutes," she said. While she was talking, she wrapped the towel around her body in a quick movement, fastening it in front with the help of a knot.

I had meanwhile turned my gaze back to her. Although Kuon was now dressed, it was difficult for me not to inspect her from top to bottom. Her entire body was still drenched in a hint of wetness, so that her skin was reflectingthe bright bathroom light. It was also slightly red from the hot shower water. I wondered if the red tint to her cheeks was also caused by that, or if I was responsible for it.I could not help but notice the way the towel just managed to hide all the places it was supposed to cover and yet was far too tight. If she bent over, a special view would present itself to me. Immediately I dashed this disgusting thought from my head. If I continued to reduce myself only to her appearance this could end in negligence on my part and I would not be able to protect her properly.After all, that was the most important thing. I also discarded this thought. Had this strange girl really become so important to me? Nevertheless, there was no place for interpersonal relationships in this world.Before I could get any further into this train of thought, I turned away again and finally walked out of the room. I was in need of a cigarette.

[williamaltman]

So, Multiverse of Madness. I actually just watched it now. I couldn't go to the cinema for reasons. It was, well, kind of what I thought it would. I was ready for it after the leaks, and with all the spoilers I saw even though mostly avoiding them, I kind of REALLY knew what was gonna happen at almost every moment.

Now, I'm gonna say, I did enjoy it. It's an entertaining movie. I think it's far from being one of Marvel's worsts (though it's not one of it's best either). I'm sure I would have enjoyed it just a bit more if I had seen it on the cinema, cause I can imagine how much more exciting it is. The fact that the movie is, well, exciting, it's really what kind of saves it, I guess? What I mean is that, if this was like, a TV show broken into a few episodes, it would've been boring. It probably could use a bigger length still, just some 10-30 minutes, to explore a few things more, but I'm satisfied enough with what it was.

Now, let's go to the main thing. Wanda. I thought Wanda in the movie was... Fine. I'm not gonna throw hands about it. That's partly because I had already accepted this reality months and months before, partly cause, as I said, she's still etertaining, Lizzie sells it, and I think the narrative is still sympathetic enough towards her.

Which, you know, I'm happy about. I knew she was always gonna be a sympathetic villain, but I feel like things could've gotten a lot more personal and a lot more heavy-handed at showing her as evil. Like, people who hate her are still gonna hate her, those who loved her will still love her, those who are neutral aren't too likely to change their mind, since she only killed NPCs and AU versions... It hasn't really changed much of anything in regards to the discourse™.

What she does here is objectively worse than WandaVision, and I wouldn't say it's such a "natural progress", but it's also not THAT unbelievable considering the timeskip, the Darkhold corruption, the way you see her humanity at a few moments, especially the end, and that they let her have one heroic act –which, people are gonna discredit it and not care and blabla, but that's, like I said, the usual. It does matter a lot that no one, not any Wanda, and not anyone else either (like the 838 Strange), will be tempted by the Darkhold, which is really an endless possible amount of universes being saved. So yeah, fight me, but I'll give her the credit for that.

I honestly really like that what gave her humanity back was her children. Both in the movie and in the comics, especially in the comics (Disassembled and House of M), she's treated as a hysterical woman obsessed with having children, that she can't. But here, she wants them from another universe, it's not that much of a matter of whether their real, whether she should have these children, in the literal sense of being a mother, and more about how she shouldn't take them when they already have their own Wanda as a mother.

I feel like they're ultimately portrayed positively, as she realizes what she's done when she says she wouldn't hurt them. Her loss feels more akin to her usual theme of grief, that she already felt for Vision, Pietro, and her parents. I, also like the little detail, where she resents Strange for giving the time stone to Thanos, making it necessary for her to sacrifice Vision –and that being for nothing, especially because Thanos uses the time stone to revert it and kill him again, which he otherwise couldn't. We had two mentions of Vis, and I found the latter one to be quite meaningful.

I'm excited about her future, since this is obviously not the end. We got through the worst part already, and to me it wasn't even as bad as it could've been, so for that I'm glad!

[foreverwcnter]

cardigan / p.p

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

summary: “you thought i was dead?” after you go missing with no leads to what happened, you are presumed dead and peter writes letters addressed to you, to help with his grief

word count: 3k

requested: no

warnings: semi character death, heartbreaking angst :( , fluff

a/n: this is for @ariistotles​ lovely writing challenge! i am using prompt 9 for my fic and i hope you guys enjoy!

two days. forty-eight hours. two thousand eighty minutes. one hundred seventy-two thousand, eight hundred seconds. that’s how long you had been missing. the team of avengers, including desperate peter parker sat around a table, staring at the very little evidence they had of your disappearance. it was only two nights ago when you and peter had been cuddled in bed and you had left to go home. 

evidently, you never returned home. 

peter ran his hands through his hair with frustration, eyes bloodshot red from crying. he was terrified and guilty, knowing if he had just walked you home, he wouldn’t be staring at the picture of you on the screen in front of him.

“we have no leads,” sam wilson stated,” the only evidence is this cardigan.”  

peter knew you were wearing it when you left. he recognized the cute patches of stars scattered on the knitted sleeves and the oversized buttons along the ends. it was always so big on you, he didn’t think you would have bought it from that thrift store, but the moment you laid eyes on it, you fell in love with it. you had fixed up the holes and messed up seams, it looked like something someone would shove under a bed. but you took it into your care.

“she was wearing that after she left my apartment,” peter explained, voice cracking. the entire time he had been silent as they investigated your disappearance. “she almost forgot it but i reminded her.” 

peter took a glance at the cardigan, instantly taking notice of the blood-stained sleeves. 

“we have to find her,” he finally added, one tear slipping down his cheek. tony hadn’t spoken at all, and peter knew why. peter understood what it felt like to lose someone. there was a chance you’d be found again, but it was slim. you were just gone. 

the next few days were hell for peter. they hadn’t found anything and all he wanted to believe was that you were at least alive. everyone around him seemed to be giving up already. peter had even overheard tony talking with the other avengers, thinking that you weren’t alive and he’d have to plan a funeral. peter refused to give up, he couldn’t believe the idea that you were dead. there was only a glimmer of hope left in some of the avengers. every day that passed, the more likely it was that you were dead. it wasn’t until two months of searching, they finally gave in.

tony kept the funeral private. it took everything in peter to just crawl out of bed that early morning and may had to help him tie the tie for his suit. his hands trembled too much to get it straight. he didn’t want to believe you were gone, but by this point, he was giving up himself. everything at the funeral was dark, the opposite of what you were like. you always had the brightest of smiles, your hair would always smell like fresh daisies from a meadow. everyone who gathered around was silent, staring at an empty casket, watching it get lowered into the ground. 

peter found himself alone after the casket was six feet under and collapsed to his knees in front of the gravestone. tears openly fell down his face, as he stared at the name written on the stone. y/n stark. he wanted to stop making events like this so familiar. first his parents, then uncle ben. now you. the love of his life, the person he dreamed of marrying. some people see this as an unattainable fantasy because when you are young, they assume you know nothing. but peter was sure. you were supposed to be the one. his endgame. but you were gone. 

a hand tapped his shoulder revealing the familiar face of tony stark. seeing him made peter fall apart as tony pulled him into a tight embrace. peter finally let it all out. with his shoulders shaking with sobs and soft cries leaving his breathless lips, peter parker was finally showing his grief. 

grief was a fickle thing. it constantly changed. peter had been in such disbelief for the past months you were gone, but now he was trying to bargain with what happened. he gave his suit back to tony, he moved on from being spider-man, and tried living normally. he was trying to change himself for you. but it was hard. it took every amount of effort to bring himself out of his bedroom. the only thing that kept him going was the desire to do things you would want him to do. it didn’t take long for aunt may to take peter to a therapist. they could help him sort out the pain he was holding onto.

“tell me about her.”

“y/n was the perfect example of joy,” peter admitted with a desolate tone. “she was always looking to help anyone before herself. something she got from her dad. her hair always smelled amazing, like a garden almost. she liked to braid it, and stick flowers in it. y/n got the idea from tangled…” he paused, staring at the ground. he had planned a date before you went missing. he was going to take you to a lantern festival. where you could recreate the scene from tangled. peter knew how happy it would have made you. but you were gone. you’d never see the lanterns, you’d never live that dream.

“she had a cardigan… something she found at a thrift store, on the ground without a price tag. it had holes in the sleeves and she chose to patch them up with little stars. it was always too big on her, y/n always wore it with everything. i never saw her without it. she once forgot it when we left for a road trip, made me turn around to go get it for her but i was happy to,” a rare smile came onto peter’s face as he thought about the dimples on your cheek when he had put the cardigan around you. the smile faded,” it was the only thing they found when she went missing. it had blood on it and i know something bad happened.”

“i couldn’t stop it. i couldn’t save her.”

the woman in the chair across from him said nothing, just stared at peter as he avoided her gaze. after a couple moments, she began speaking,” you need to figure out a way to say goodbye to y/n. i understand how hard that may seem, but there are ways. i want you to write letters addressed to her. just start with something normal, you don’t have to address her death in the letter, just make it between you and her. the more you write these. the easier it’ll get to let go. “

peter stared at a blank piece of paper for hours that night. he didn’t know how to start. every time he picked up the pen his hand started shaking and he was too scared to write your name. with a frustrated groan, he jumped onto his bed, face buried in his hands. normally, peter would go to you to talk out his stress, to feel your arms around him but he couldn’t have that now. 

that’s when he took notice of your cardigan hung on the corner of his bed frame. he took it into his hands, letting out a sigh. it was the only thing he had left out you. the only part of you that was left behind. so peter put it around himself, pulling his arms into the sleeves. it felt like you had your arms around him again and gave him the boost he had been looking for. 

so he wrote:

my love y/n,  

i don’t want to talk about you being gone yet, just let me have this moment to tell you the things i didn’t say. you were perfect. you are still perfect. i know that sees unbelievable to you, but every moment i shared with you, i cherished like a child would cherish a new toy. 

except i never grew tired of you. you always came with new surprises. whether it was the time i thought you had never watched star wars and you admitted to being one of the biggest star wars nerds there is or the time i caught you crying to rom coms when we were friends, wishing you had that kind of romance. you were a hopeless romantic. mj said you were always looking for a disney prince of your own. i hope i was good enough to earn that title. i hope i gave you your dream love story. because every moment i spent with you was something exhilarating and i ever wanted to pass it up. 

 i just hope i was enough for you.

peter knew the letter was short, but he couldn’t bear to finish. tears marked the page with scratched out words and messy handwriting. he was supposed to write a letter every day. every day until he was able to say one word. goodbye. 

slowly he started getting there. very slowly. 

every day he wrote a new letter. they consistently got longer, but there were days it got short. he tried his best to avoid talking about you being gone. sometimes the letters were simple, saying i went to the grocery store for the first time in awhile. i saw your favorite snack and ended up buying it. i never liked it until now. i guess you influenced me so much.

there were harder days though. these days the paper would be stained with tears and may would come into his room and would find him crying. those letters always had the words “i miss you” and questioned why you had to go so soon. 

there was only one thing he always did when he was writing these letters. he was always wearing your cardigan. he even began wearing it just around the house or to school. may never failed to notice and would wash it for him to wear the next day when peter forgot. having the cardigan around him made him feel comfortable and safe. almost like you were right with him. he even wore it to his second visit with the therapist, four months after your disappearance 

“it’s getting easier to write the letters,” the brunette boy admitted, fiddling with the ends of the sleeves. “i’ve wrote so many already. it’s almost like i can still talk to her, even when she’s gone.” 

the woman smiled. “that’s good peter.”

“but remember, the goal isn’t to hold on, you have to let go. you have to say goodbye.” 

peter hated the sound of it. he couldn’t imagine a life without you in it, he couldn’t imagine moving on from you because every day he still missed you more than anything. 

it took another six months for him to finally write a final letter. ten months after you had disappeared.

my love, y/n, 

this isn’t an easy one to write. these past few months have been hell but i’ve rolled with the punches. i just left flowers at your gravestone. chrysanthemums, your favorites. it’s always been hard seeing your name on that stone and not seeing you next to me.

i miss every inch of you, y/n. i miss the feeling of your lips on mine and the tender kisses you’d press on my neck. i miss watching you fall asleep, i miss running my hand over your back while you snored. i miss seeing your beautiful face, the one that never failed to make me smile. every time i see a star wars movie come on, i’m reminded of your constant rants about padmé and anakin’s romance and how badass all the women of star wars are. i even still think about the day i met you. we were just kids, and you pushed over some other little kids for me. i think that was the day i knew you were important. it only just now dawned on me.

and the best part about you was when i felt like an old cardigan, under someone’s bed, you put me on and said i was your favorite. just like the one you used to always wear.

but i think the one thing i miss the most is just your voice. you always talked me to sleep on rough nights. it’s the same voice that got me through the trials of being a hero, the one that comforted me after hard patrols and nightmares. it was the one that sang ‘i can see the light’ from the lantern scene from tangled everytime we watched it. it’s the one i miss the most and i’d do anything to hear it again, y/n. 

but for now, it’s your turn to listen to me. and listen closely. i love you. you were my soulmate and i still think you are. i loved you then. i love you now. and i’ll love you forever. we’ll see each other again, because you always come back to me. you’re my angel. my love. my dream. my soulmate. my darling. the love of my life. we’re meant to be together. i know one day we’ll find each other. and when we do… i’ll never let go of you again. 

y/n stark, just do me a favor. keep on being you. wherever you are. i’ll keep on being me. i’ll carry on for you.

so now i just have to say one more word. one more word that isn’t forever because i know i’ll be with you. you’ll come back to me. i’ll come back to you. because loving you is like being drunk under a streetlight. it’s the thrill of living life and some kind of light near you. even without the light being right beside you. being in love with you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

so here it is, y/n. here it is.

goodb- 

peter was interrupted as he wrote, a hard knock from the door of the apartment. for a second, he waited, but it came again. it sounded urgent by how heavy it was and how frantically the person was knocking. he stumbled out of the chair, leaving the open letter on his desk as he fumbled with the lock. once it opened, peter had begun thinking he was dreaming.

because the person standing in front of the door, was you. 

with his jaw slacking, peter rubbed his eyes trying to process what was in front of him. and to think he was about to write the word goodbye, and here you were, back from the dead. his eyes watered slightly as he opened his mouth to speak but no words came. he couldn’t comprehend the fact you were alive. “ y/n… no… how? how are you here? you were dead… this can’t be real.” everything hit him like an oncoming train, he was convinced he was dreaming or hallucinating. was this a test? was this testing him to see if he was actually prepared to say goodbye?

“you thought i was dead?” 

this was what brought peter back to reality. he fell to his knees so fast in front of you, the tears falling down without a doubt as sobs left his thin lips, the ones you used to kiss. everything from the past few months came pouring out. “you were dead. everyone gave up and i didn’t want to but i did. i gave up, i failed you. i did the one thing you told me not to do because i was weak. and i couldn’t hold myself together at your funeral…” you knelt down as he sobbed and choked out every word, pulling him to your chest. “i wanted you to be the one to help me, but you weren’t there. you weren’t here to hug me before and i tried holding on for you. i tried and i thought i was never going to get over it and move on and i never did. i never did, y/n ,because i love you and you are the only person who will be constant in my life even if you were to fall out of love.”

“and i wrote you letters. i wrote you so many letters. i was writing one… just before you came… it was the last one, y/n, the one where i was going to say goodbye and now here you are,” peter’s arms wrapped around your waist pulling you closer.

“you don’t have to say goodbye anymore, pete,” you whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of his head before he finally got a clear look at you. you looked no different than before. you had a a few bruises here and there, but you were alive. peter couldn’t believe just how much time passed and you were still the embodiment of beauty in his eyes. 

a smile formed on his face, a dimple showing on his cheek,”i knew you’d come back to me.” 

with that, he pressed his lips against yours, a hand moving up to cup your cheek as yours moved to his hair, running your hands through the messy brown curls. your lips were soft, just like they used to be and they tasted just like your favorite cherry chapstick that you used to always use. peter relished in the tender moment, butterflies coming alive in his stomach as he pressed his other hand on the small of your back. you both pulled away gently, eyes still closed with foreheads resting against each other.

“i love you,” you said gently, pressing a kiss to the tip of peter’s nose.

he returned it with his own, murmuring,” i love you more.” 

his heart fluttered in the comfortable silence and the air still held the same amount of love and adoration for each other as it did before. peter never wanted to give it up and he never wanted to let it go. with the cardigan still wrapped around his shoulders and your arms around him, for the first time in months, peter finally remembered how it feels to be secure and safe. 

you both finally stood up, fingers interlocked and right before you both headed inside, you glanced at peter and asked with a laugh:

“is that my cardigan?”

permanent taglist — @ariistotles​  @saturnpeter​ @skymoonandstardust​ @hey-its-grey​ @pufflypuffle​ @uglypastels​ @learning-howto-be-myselfx3​ @simi11​ @abby-blxck​ @pxterbpxrker​ @euphoricmads​ @neverlandparker​ @fairytaleparker​ @dahliaspidey​ @thegirlwiththeimpala​ @pterprkr​ @cosmicholland​ @theamazingtomholland​ @xoxohollands​ @screamholland​ @beiroviski​ @sunflowerhollands​

peter parker taglist — @myslightobsessions​

[juliettalfacharlie]

Day 4, alt: Visiting a Grave

CW graphic death, gun violence, suicide, acceptance of death, and drugs.

The previous two years, she'd shaken with emotion. First with anger, then grief. Anniversaries weren't necessarily special dates; they weren't anything she looked forward to or dreaded, but it was still jarring to realize how much time had passed. She'd experienced a minute of disbelief when she first recognized it'd been a year since her wife was with her.

It was customary in the Earth Kingdom to show respect only towards elders. When parents lost their children, no vigils were held, for it wasn't acceptable to honour those your junior.

It was a practice that thankfully hadn't taken roots in Republic City. Kya wouldn't have cared, regardless. She was hurting, damnit, and that wasn't lessoned because Lin was three years younger than she.

Now, 1,095 days past her lover's death, Kya was finally in a place of peace. Not with Lin's killer, or the circumstances surrounding it. She didn't believe she'd ever accept that.

The two had been walking out to their car after an evening dinner, and Lin sensed an altercation a block away. Kya sat in the Satomobile while Lin cautiously neared, concerned over a potential mugging or assault. It hadn't felt like anything serious, especially compared to what both women had already seen.

Lin used her seismic sense when she'd crossed half the distance, seeing two figures. One was pressed against the wall, the target, while the other stood in front of them, the instigator.

She treaded as quietly as possible, peeking around the corner to assess the situation.

There were two men, both tall and muscular. The assailant held something Lin originally believed to be a small baton, but as it caught light from the streetlamps, Lin saw it was a handgun. They weren't exceedingly common, due to being new inventions that were quite costly, but the amount of nonbenders in Republic City meant they were more concentrated here compared to other nations.

Lin desperately wished for her old spool of cables, but she'd retired them fifteen years prior, and they'd been gifted to the top metalbending prospect at the time of her departure.

The weapon was pointed at the victim, so any surprise attack risked him firing. She instead went for a civil approach, calling from behind the corner, "Step away and put your weapon down." she instructed, hearing his loud gasp.

"Who's there? Don't come close or I'll shoot!" the attacker yelled. His voice was strained, likely from fear.

"You haven't done anything yet, kid. Just set the gun on the floor, and we can talk about it." she replied, using a tone of placating authority. She displayed power without intimidation; the other man was acting on pure emotions, he needed to feel like he had an ally.

"I don't want to talk. That's not going to do shit to bring back my brother." he said, and Lin heard a head hit the concrete wall.

"Killing someone else won't either. It's also not going to make you feel the pain any less. The only thing it'll accomplish is ending your own life as well." she told him, voice softening just slightly. One constant in life would always be violence, and there would always be people hurt by it. Lin stepped around the corner, hands up in submission.

The gunman yelped, swinging the weapon towards her. "Hey, I know you! You're a cop!" he said, and Lin had a full view of his face. He was young; not boyishly so, but somewhere in his early 20's.

"I'm not an officer anymore, but the experience I have means I know exactly how this can end up. I don't want to see that happen to you; there's so much left to experience." she told him, calm under his pressure.

His hands trembled just so, eyes full of pain. "There would have been if it weren't for him!" he yelled, turning his head to the other man.

His face was bloody but he looked otherwise unharmed. "It's not my fault the idiot overdosed, I just gave him the shit." he argued, and the young man clenched more firmly around the gun.

Lin intervened quickly, taking attention off of the loudmouthed dealer, "I know what it's like to lose a sibling. My younger sister. My mom took her side, so it felt like I was entirely alone, but I found joy in my job. In my hobbies and friends. It made that pain feel much more manageable, and I couldn't be happier right now." she explained, eyes not straying from his face.

"I don't have any of that. I just had him." he said, shaking his head.

"For a long time I didn't either. I held onto my anger for decades, and it prevented me from fully enjoying myself. I don't want that to happen to someone else," she told him, "It wasn't until I was 52, actually, until I let that go. I didn't get closure, and the people who hurt me never apologized, but I saw how much harm it had done to me. Shortly after, I started talking to the woman I came to marry. She's the best person I know; beautiful, kind, insightful, she brought out the best parts in me, and I found myself wanting to be happy for her.

"If it's too difficult to feel joy with yourself, would you pity an old woman and feel it for me? I promise you, this hopelessness isn't permanent." Lin said, watching as the man slowly relaxed his grip and lowered the weapon.

"How about you start by telling me about him, hm?" she encouraged. He kept the weapon up, pointed at her knee, but his shoulders had dropped.

"His name was Mingyu. I was eight when he was born, and I was so excited. We didn't have a lot of money, and mom and dad were always working, so I had to look after him instead of going to school.

"I taught him what I had learned, and he was so smart. I got a job to make sure he could go to school when he turned 6. He was so good at kuai ball.

"We lost our dad this year, and Yu took it so hard. I was too busy with my job to see it, but he at school he started- why didn't I just-" the man finally lowered the gun, eyes welling up.

"Kids make mistakes. It's not your fault that Mingyu slipped." Lin told him, taking a cautious step forward.

The man didn't respond, so she continued to close the distance.

Lin straightened, feeling the distinct thud of metal-soled boots. The police had been called before she showed up.

"Hey, give me the gun and we can keep talking." She urged, and he looked up at her, startled by her change in tone.

"RCPD, hands where I can see them!" an officer behind her bellowed. Lin felt a pit open in her stomach, watching the emotions flash across the man's face.

In a moment the gun was back up, four feet away and aimed right between her eyes. "You lied to me!" he shouted, and pulled the trigger.

Kya had heard the shot, and immediately she knew what had happened. She felt a tug in her soul, similar to the feeling when her mother passed, and she sat in the passengers seat for hours, unable to move.

The man who murdered Lin was only 22. His name was Han. He ended up receiving life in prison for killing the former police chief, compared to the 30 he would have gotten if he killed the drug dealer, but he instead hanged himself in his holding cell. He was survived solely by his mother, and Kya deeply pitied her, but it was because of her son that she was now a widow.

It was unbelievable to imagine Lin losing her life there, in the alleyway fifteen years retired from the police force, instead of the dozen times she'd been severely injured, or the hundreds where she'd faced worse danger. Kya forgot, sometimes, in the beginning. She'd return to the empty house and think Lin must be in the backyard, or wake up in a cold bed expecting the smell of Lin's favoured morning tea, tieguanyin, to have permeated upstairs.

Kya had been so achingly raw with pain. She'd felt nothing like it before, where the jagged edges of her grief made her lash out instead, but for months she hated Lin for having left her. Spirits damn her noble nature.

After five months the wounds finally soothed, but she'd been terribly surprised to feel its return when she visited Lin's grave a year past her demise.

She then felt guilt over her reaction; Lin had told her countless times how Kya had "saved" her. Shown her love, and helped her realize to be cared for wasn't negative. Kya wished so desperately just to speak to her once more. To thank her for all that she gave, and ensure Lin knew how deeply she'd been loved.

The second anniversary was when she felt sorrow, but in the past year she'd received news that wasn't altogether bad. It made the third occurrence pass with far less grief.

Kya had been experiencing chest pains and severe shortness of breath. From her own diagnosis, she surmised her heart was giving out, but a healer in the city confirmed it with ease. There wasn't too much surprise given her age, approaching 84, her lifestyle, not always the healthiest, and the compounding emotional experiences she'd weathered.  While she'd never looked forward to death, she found that she was ready for it whenever the time came.

It was almost freeing, sitting in front of Lin's grave without the cloud of overwhelming emotion. She didn't visit her final resting place except for this anniversary, as she'd been buried in the Beifong family's tomb all the way in the Earth Kingdom. Lin had been rigid on tradition that way, even if Toph insisted against it and Su planned to start her own in Zaofu. Kya had only wanted to honour her wishes; being with her mortal body didn't give her a particular sense of closeness. She sensed Lin at random moments regardless of her location, which had been one hint she hadn't yet chosen reincarnation. Her spirit had remained hidden despite thorough searching in the Spirit World, but Kya knew she was only waiting for Kya's time.

And with it nearing, for the first time she faced the gilded headstone with a glimmer of hope.

[unprofessional-bard]

Chapter 3 - To Have and to Hold

Losing My Religion Series Masterlist

Unprofessional Bard's Masterlist

Previous Chapter • Next Chapter

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female!Reader

Warnings: Depressive episodes + some suicidal thoughts... mostly angst but some fluff?? :")

Summary: The reader gets better and better each day, fitting better into her new life in Jackson, while Joel and Ellie continue their journey. The reader, after over five months, is greeted by unexpected visitors during patrol one day.

Word Count: 6.034. Grab a snack maybe?

Author's Note: As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I don't have PTSD or depression, but I do a lot of research about these mental illnesses before I write; once more, my last wish is to offend any of you, so my deepest apologies if I do! ! I do hope you like it!

Enjoy!

"(Y/N), you up?" You heard Tommy's voice as he and Maria peeked into the room.

"Thanks to you, yes." The edges of your lips turned up, eyes still closed.

"You've been asleep for almost five hours, we got worried." Maria said. "Tommy wanted to talk to you."

You opened your eyes, watched Maria leave and Tommy sit on a chair beside your bed: "How you doin'?"

"No nightmares," You sighed and pulled yourself up and leaned your back on the wall. "The bed was pretty comfortable, I'd say my body's rested at least. You found Ellie?"

"Yeah, about that," Tommy scratched the back of his head. "We found her, she's alright but..."

It turned out that Ellie and Joel had been on the road for awhile and that Joel and Tess were tasked with carrying her across the country because she was a potential cure, a way to save humankind. Joel apparently wanted Tommy to take her to the Fireflies and convinced him to do so too, but just after they found Ellie and brought her back to town, Joel had a change of mind and took off with Ellie to Salt Lake City. You felt sick again, finding out that Ellie was immune and she was gone now, without saying a goodbye. You zoned out and stared at your hands resting on your lap.

"But uh, Maria arranged a house for you," Tommy smiled softly.

You nodded, still feeling numb and shocked: "Appreciate it..."

Tommy reached out and gave a firm squeeze to your shoulder: "They're going to be okay, (Y/N)... Now Maria told me what kind of a bond you shared with Ellie and I know you're upset, but she's capable of taking care of herself. Now Joel, much of an asshole he is- he's going to protect Ellie and they're gonna be just fine. They'll be back, don't you worry."

You nodded again and looked at him when he told you to get up so he can show you around and to your new house.

It had been so long since you'd seen lights and so many people together, people who didn't attack or yell orders at each other. They were just happy, minding their own businesses and, according to Tommy, headed to the 'theatre'. But for some reason you couldn't truly feel happy about it- getting a random headache instead. You could really use another nap right now.

"Here you go," Tommy led you to a small, cabin-like house. There was a salon and a kitchen to the left, and a bathroom and small living room to the right and right across the hallway, a bedroom; there was also a small balcony and garden connected to the bedroom. You couldn't have asked for anything more from neither Maria nor Tommy. "Take a bath and get rid of your clothes - Maria got you some new ones. We're going to have dinner in an hour or so, I'll send a guy to pick you up. That okay?"

"Yeah," you sucked your lips in and sighed, wrapping your arms around yourself. "Thank you Tommy. Really-"

"Don't mention it," Tommy patted your arm. "Think of this as a repayment from that last time, or just... humanly behaviour, you choose."

You sighed and felt your eyes water again, quickly wiping it with your palm.

"I'll leave you to it," Tommy said and walked away. You gulped and let out a shaky breath, entering your new house and closing the door. You walked around slowly, taking short looks at the rooms as you approached your new bedroom. Maria had left a pair of jeans, which at first looked too small for you, a black undershirt with black, normal panties along with a dark red, turtleneck sweater. They smelled as if they were fresh out of a washing machine. You dropped your backpack on the floor next to your bed, then lurked back to the bathroom to start the water.

You came back to the bedroom to take out some stuff from your backpack when you noticed a note left on the bed next to the sweater:

Hey! I hope these clothes are okay. Neither of us knew what size you wear, so I took a few guesses and, if they don't fit you or if they're too warm/cold, just let me or Tommy know and I'll try to find something else for you. You can put your dirty clothes in the bin outside the entrance, someone will come and pick them up. I hope you like it here :)

Maria

You smiled briefly, then picked up the gas lamp on your nightstand (which worked with a candle) and put the note under it. Your fingertips lingered on the lamp as you felt a great amount of guilt and grief settle in you. I don't deserve this, you thought to yourself and bit your bottom lip to stop it from quivering.

Too much to think about...

Too many people to grieve...

You almost forgot about the bathtub and went back to the bathroom, to find it almost completely filled. You saw a pink soap at the edge of the bathtub which you didn't notice- or forgot? Whatever, there was a goddamn soap you could clean yourself with.

You took off your clothes and threw them into a pile and slowly dipped yourself in the warm water, sighing at the contact. Dry blood immediately changed the colour of the water a little but you couldn't bring yourself to wash your body just yet. Instead, you pulled your legs to your chest, wrapped your arms around them and placed your chin on your knees. This gave you a moment to think: To think about everything you've done, everything you've seen, everything you've been through; Why me? I don't deserve this. were the only words echoing through your mind, convinced that you truly didn't deserve to be alive. Your chest felt really tight all of a sudden and you forced yourself to calm down again, only to remember that you can cry, sob, whine and grieve your loved ones now. You were safe and sound, no one was around and you didn't have to stay strong for anyone anymore. You could put your guard down and be fragile, like a porcelain doll.

Tears began streaming down your face.

You closed your eyes tightly, pulled your knees closer and held your arms tighter as you bewailed; like you'd simply die if you dared hold it in any longer.

Felicity... Kurt... Maxim... Amanda... Robin and Cole...

They deserve this- they deserve a good life, I don't.

I let them down, get them all killed and get a fucking reward for it? Unbelievable.

Your fingers brushed your hair back as you cried and whined, leaning back on the wall to your right. You covered your face with both of your hands, dry blood around your body dissolving into the water in the meanwhile.

You had no idea how long you'd been crying, but you immediately stopped when there was a knock on the door.

"(Y/N), sorry to bother you," It was Maria. "I brought you some shoes, socks and some other stuff I thought you might need."

Your chin trembled as you panicked in the tub, water now cold: "I- I'm in the bath right now!"

"Okay, I'll just-" You heard the door open after you noticed how your voice cracked. "I'm leaving these here... are you alright?"

"Yeah," you nodded, wiping your tears aimlessly. "Is someone gonna come grab me for dinner or are you it?"

"Oh, no, there's still less than half an hour. I'll send someone when the time comes, don't worry."

"Okay- erm, thank you," You replied and she left with a sincere not a problem.

You started washing yourself with the soap, which felt really nice. You were actually going to smell nice for a change. It took you around ten minutes to wash yourself whole. Although you were still hurt and sad, Maria's brief presence had unintentionally calmed you down and you convinced yourself that it was enough for one day. You now had the rest of your life set in front of you, you could practically grieve whenever you wanted, right?

You dried yourself with the towels beside the sink, wrapping your head with one of them as you got dressed. Your wrists were healed for the most part, leaving behind marks which would be the reminder of your survival, but they didn't sting anymore. Now you had to worry about your waist which surprisingly didn't hurt as much. Probably because of the proper treatment and medicine you were provided with.

The weather was cold and the day was going darker by the minute. You put on every piece of clothing that were given to you, grabbing the stuff Maria left for you off the ground and finally dropping on the bed, laying down on your back, arms spread across the mattress. You suddenly had this terrible feeling that you were going to have trouble sleeping alone at night: Back in your FEDRA days, you always shared a bunk or a room with your teammates, always slept around a fire together when you were out of the base. There was always someone with you, which made you sleep better even in your worst days. Before you came here, you didn't have your friends but you had Ellie... and Joel.

Oh how you had missed them already.

The worst part was, you almost didn't know anybody here. Tommy was the closest person you could call a friend and you didn't even want to talk about Maria. As sincere as she was, you got to know her just today. You felt uncomfortable sharing your story with her, you knew you'd feel even more uncomfortable when it came to sharing your emotions.

You didn't realise a few tears had forced their way out of your closed eyelids and down your face until there was a knock on your door.

"Uh, hello? Maria sent me to come and get you..." You heard a deep voice laced with a southern accent, which reminded you of Joel's a little but it wasn't as heavy as his.

"Yup, coming," you huffed and got up, wiping at your eyes with the back of your hands.

You were really torn between wanting to be alone and wanting company, so you decided to let other people take over.

You also grabbed Kurt's knife before you went to the door, just in case.

"Uh, hi there," The man greeted you. You felt like you'd seen him before but you weren't sure. He was tall and slender, a lot taller than you were; he had dark red, wavy hair and green eyes, freckles splattered around his face and forearms. Looking into more detail, he had a tall, turn-up nose, light facial hair and lips which reminded you of a model's - they weren't chapped and they were quite plump. His cheeks and nose were reddened, probably because of the cold but his lips had a natural redness to them.

"Hi," you sighed, taken aback. "I'm, uh, (Y/N)."

"I know. I'm Walt," He smiled softly and handed a piece of cloth over to you. "Maria told me she didn't have a jacket with a hood, that I should bring this so you could cover your hair."

It was a slouch beanie with a pompom attached to it. Your face scrunched up, you never thought you'd be wearing these and you didn't want to, but your hair was wet and you really weren't in the mood to add more to your headache.

"Uh, thank you." You muttered awkwardly and put the beanie on.

"Here," Walt reached out for the beanie, making you flinch. "It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you..." He smiled sincerely and adjusted the beanie. "Better. Shall we?"

"Let's," you sighed, not really knowing what to say to him. He was quite handsome, you were expecting someone old and grumpy to come get you, not a cute guy with-

Cute?!

Goddammit.

"It's nice to see a new face," Walt commented, putting his hands in his jean's pockets. "Maria told me you were spec ops- I never thought I'd meet another outside a QZ."

You halted and looked at him: "You're spec ops too?"

"Yup, that's why she sent me, thought maybe you'd need someone who relates to you?" Walt explained. He visibly tensed when you didn't respond: "I'm sorry, was I too forward?"

"Oh- not at all, I'm just surprised is all. Where did you come from?" You asked as you two kept walking.

"I was born in Denver, grew up and enlisted there too. I served under FEDRA in Denver for a few years before being sent to Boston... What a pain in the ass."

"Yeah, I was in Boston for- ever. I knew I'd seen you somewhere." You sniffed and tried to smile.

"Boston was hell," He groaned. "We were new and there was this team, they were looking for new recruits and I wanted to sign up, I don't know what I was thinking but..."

"Oh," you sighed loudly, looking at the ground. "I know, some stupid sonofabitch named Gabe 'bought' his way in."

"You were at the training too?" Walt asked, surprised.

"I..." You tried to speak and get over with it, but decided to take your time. "I was uh, I was the team's leader."

This time Walt stopped: "Get outta town."

"I'm serious," you gave him an apologetic smile, reaching for your knife in your pocket slowly.

"I'm- I'm sorry," he let out an awkward laugh. "I thought you were the person who picked the new recruit, I might have cursed a little too much behind your back."

This time you laughed too, relaxing: "Oh it's fine. They never really liked me at the Boston QZ, I do have a fair share of curses on my behalf."

Just when the both of you chuckled, Maria opened the door. When did you even arrive?

"Perfect timing!" She smiled. "We were just about to eat, come in."

"After you," Walt took a step behind and motioned for you to go in. You smiled and walked in, Maria sending a quick wink your way before Walt could see and you just rolled your eyes.

There was a big table and three men sat around it, Tommy across them. They were filling their plates with, by god, delicious looking food. Tommy waved at you and you smiled as the three of you sat down around the table, Maria at your right and Walt on your left.

"This is (Y/N)," Tommy introduced you. "(Y/N), these men are the leads of our patrol. I wanted you to meet them because I reckoned you might wanna do patrols, is that okay?"

"Well," you sighed. "I know a couple of more things other than how to shoot a gun, y'know."

"That so?" Tommy grinned. "If you wanna do something else, that's fine. But I still want you to get to know them. You already met Walt, but not sure if you remember him..."

Eugene Linden. Of course you remembered him.

"Eugene?" Your eyes widened.

"Hi there, commander," he tipped an invisible hat your way and smiled.

"Goddamn," you sighed with a grin and chuckled. Then, simultaneously: "Still not dead, huh?"

Eugene and Tommy were absolutely despised and were the talk of the base when you were sent to Denver for duty. You had mixed feelings toward them at first -well, you were sent to kill them after all- but not because you followed orders blindly, because of the attacks and the terror caused by them. They were reckless and they killed civilians, you weren't sure if they were the promise keeping type.

You were outnumbered and genuinely scared that you may not get to see another day (not that you wanted to anyway) so you changed tactics and surrendered. You promised them that you'd help them escape FEDRA in return of your team's and civilian safety. They kept their promise but a few months later, both of them left the Fireflies and you were sent back to Boston. You never saw either again until now.

A night went by with no stressing out over when or how you were going to be attacked. You already made 'friends' with the lead patrol men: All of them were army men, Walt being the only spec ops. You already knew Eugene and Tommy and were now acquainted with Walt and Maria. The other men, Robert and Bruce seemed to like you too; Robert was around Eugene's age, you assumed as he looked a little old but Bruce was around your age, maybe younger.

Tommy walked you back home, as much as Maria secretly tried to make Walt your escort, you didn't mind him.

"How are you liking it so far?" Tommy started as soon as you were outside and on the way back to your house.

"I- I absolutely have no words, Tommy. I can't thank you both enough, I guess I owe you one?"

"Stop with that nonsense," Tommy chuckled. "Those days are over, you're not a FEDRA puppet and I'm not a 'terrorist' anymore... Those days are behind us. Let's focus on what we have now."

"You're right," you nodded, stuffing your hands in your pockets. "It's just- I want you to know how grateful I am for the both of you... I don't deserve this, you know?"

Tommy gave you a worried look when your voice wavered a little: "'Course you do, don't say that stuff now..."

Tommy turned to you under a streetlight and held your shoulders: "You deserve this more than anyone, (Y/N). Joel told me about what happened to your team and I am truly sorry for that-" You sniffed and tried to hold back your tears to no avail. "Hey, hey, it's alright... Look, even without after everything you've gone through, you deserve this. Everyone stuck in this world survivin' does."

"But I'm the reason they're dead!" You sobbed: "If I was faster, none of them would've been captured! If I had been more careful-!"

"(Y/N)!" Tommy shook you. "None of that was your fault, you hear me? I know you think it is but it ain't. I'm sure that if they could, they'd be the ones to give you this life. You were a good leader, you treated them kindly and helped everyone out- even your enemies. I know that as much as you want to trade places with them... what's happened, happened. It's gonna take some time, but you're gonna have to come to terms with it and move on. One way or another."

"I know," you whimpered. "I know but, I never had the time to... I didn't even get to bury them. They're out there, rotting in an old building and I'm here, eating actual food and taking a bath. With a soap."

"Well, if that's what you're worrying about," Tommy dropped his hands to his sides and began walking with a grin. "I can assure you they're in a far better place right now than you could ever be, alive."

You stared at him walk away slowly and let his words sink in. He was right, they no longer had to deal with the bullshit this world had to offer anymore. They were properly resting now.

Although it was a nice first night you spent there and as much as Tommy's words left an impression on you, the moment he said goodnight and you closed your door, a feeling of uneasiness settled in you. Sitting at the table with your new neighbours itself pained you at first, reminding you of your team... Your family...

You still struggled to believe this place was real. There was actually a place for you, a place amongst lovely people who had no bad intentions toward you. There was a new life for you here, you knew you had to move on from your past one, but you also knew it wasn't just going to happen over night. There was still so much guilt in you. And, well, the attack today didn't really help your hopes for this place, you knew better than anyone that all good things come to an end.

But that didn't mean that you wouldn't fight to keep this place going as far as it could.

----

"Aw man," Ellie sighed as Joel finished explaining the basics of baseball to her. "I wonder if (Y/N) ever played it."

Joel's expression relaxed and turned into a thoughtful one. He thought about you, wondered if you were okay and how you were getting along with his brother and the others in Jackson. He was mad at himself for getting angry at you for no reason and he knew, if he ever went back to Jackson, he'd have to make it up to you.

----

Your first few weeks went by resting and helping everyone with everything as much as your wounds allowed. You were fatigued and didn't really want to talk to anyone but Tommy and Maria, who checked up on you almost twice a day when you didn't show up for too long. You were mostly in bed, either doing nothing or sleeping. You had constant headaches and refused to take medications because you didn't want them to think there was something wrong, but sometimes you'd get sick to your stomach from not eating. You lost weight in your first week and a half which didn't escape Maria. You kept complaining about how you couldn't get used to sitting in bed and doing little to nothing for hours, your sleep schedule was absolutely fucked but you also didn't have the energy to get up. You were alone by yourself most of the time which didn't help and by your second week, Maria and the lady from the nursery, Katherine, who was apparently a medic, insisted she did a check up on you.

"I'm no psychologist, but I think she's depressed." Katherine had said when you had fainted because you got up too fast after your examination. "I read a book on it some time ago and she has most of the symptoms... Someone needs to keep an eye on her- she can't stay alone. She's grieving and she's going to need help going through it."

Maria had nodded with sad eyes, uncertain about what to do and Tommy held his wife as they looked at your sleeping form. Your face was way skinnier comparing to when you first arrived in Jackson.

"She doesn't just need a companion per se," Katherine had whispered. "We, as a community have to look after each other and will look after her too, but she barely talks to anyone other than you two. She needs to be more involved with us."

Maria's brows raised: "We can sign her up to patrols with the boys for a start. I'll pair her up with Walt, they seemed to be getting along."

"Well," Tommy had sighed, hands on his hips. "We could try the school? She always had a soft spot for children, maybe it'll help distract her for the most part."

"Offer her whatever you want, but just do it." Katherine nodded worriedly. "And make her eat, for god's sake. She won't survive like this any longer."

----

"You gotta tell me what to do!" Ellie panicked as Joel's vision began fading. "Come on, you gotta get up! Joel?"

Shit, what would (Y/N) do? Joel finally heard Ellie ask herself before he let the darkness take over his pale body. Really though, what would've you done if you were with them right now?

Joel thought back to the time where he was wrapping up your wrists in that house where you all took a shower. How you didn't even flinch when he applied the alcohol and just kept calm through every situation for the whole month you all travelled together. He thought about that one time where you treated a wound on his leg. It was just a bullet which whizzed through the side of his calf, not doing much damage but it still hurt a little. You had attended to it without any complaints.

"This won't take a minute, just sit down and let me handle it," You insisted. Ellie was already passed out on the couch in the next room. "If it gets infected you're never gonna stop bitching about it. Sit. Down."

"Yes ma'am," Joel's brows furrowed at your demanding tone. He sat on the ground and extended his leg on the floor. You carefully rolled the sleeve of his pants up and cleaned the wound.

"Come now, it's over, see?" You smiled gently when he hissed, then wrapped a bandage around his calf. Joel just nodded with an almost displeased look as you got up and moved to go to the other room to check on Ellie.

"Uh, (Y/N)?" Joel turned around before you disappeared into the next room. You gave him a quizzical look by the door: "Thank you."

You just smiled at him genuinely and somewhat shyly, then walked away.

----

You got more used to your new life each day, a full month had passed but you still struggled to come to terms with yourself; but there were some improvements too. You began eating more (by your own will) and you were just a little confused at why you were surrounded by people all the time, except for when you were in your house or at the makeshift gym with a lack of tools. You had only fainted once, it had to be about that, otherwise you were way past the welcoming phase. You still thought often of Ellie... and Joel. And Felicity and others. You found yourself crying some nights, but most nights you felt numb. You missed all your companions dearly - you knew you'd be with them sooner or later.

Walt had turned out to be excellent company, although you were sure his old patrol partner Bruce wasn't entirely fond of you anymore, with you made into Walt's new partner. You usually didn't go outside the walls as there weren't too many infected in the area, but now with you guarding the walls with them, the raids started to take less of a toll on the residents of Jackson. You were liked and your presence was appreciated, something you couldn't really bring yourself to believe.

Tommy and Maria were understanding of your condition and, as much as you had insisted otherwise, they urged you to stay at their place from time to time when you weren't feeling too well. You were grateful for them and for everything they had done to make you feel better while adapting to life in Jackson.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months as Jackson developed further into an actual town. Although winter was harsh on the people, a true sense of community had settled into everyone living there. Diners and schools were built by the end of January and more shops like tailors were being built every day.

Walt and you, on the other hand, were a different story. He was so calm and cool and you couldn't help but get flustered whenever he was around. He treated you nicely, with a more welcoming manner and he was an outright gentleman. The small compliments he'd give you, the way he'd make you laugh... You weren't sure how he'd react if you opened up to him though, so you kept it to yourself.

A better developed relationship comparing to yours and Joel's, you thought. You wondered then how he was doing, if he was even alive and all that.

----

"It's okay, it's me- it's me." Joel turned Ellie around as she tried to get out of his grip. "It's me, look..."

Ellie gasped, taking in a shaky breath as Joel held her face between his hands, like that time you had an attack before reaching Jackson.

"He tried to-" Ellie sobbed, struggling to speak, then Joel pulled and pressed her shaking body against his chest.

"Oh, baby girl..." Joel whispered as he held her close, heart breaking over and over again at her state; the situation they were in reminding him of Sarah over and over again but there was nothing he could do. He had already lost one daughter and he knew, then and there, that he wasn't going to lose Ellie too.

----

With April's arrival, many pretty flowers you had never seen before (or didn't remember seeing pre-outbreak) blossomed throughout the town. Your garden was quite colourful, which brought joy to you. After the cloudy, gray winter days, you greatly appreciated the sun with occasional showers. The weather was mostly chill and windy but not like it was back in January. You had made amazing process with your health conditions - it wasn't perfect but process was still process. Walt had been of great help, talking about your past experiences and venting to each other from time to time had brought you two even closer. He was requested to look after you by Maria and Tommy, but he didn't mind and gladly did so.

Speaking of Tommy: One night while the three of you had dinner, you helped Tommy clean the dishes while Maria went out to give the leftovers to some newborn puppies. Joel was made the topic of your conversation all of a sudden and he revealed a very upsetting detail about Joel's past.

"He," Tommy began, gulping. "He used to have a daughter. Sarah."

You stopped washing the plate in your hands and gave him a look, his movements slowing down as a great set of dark clouds settled over him: "On the outbreak day, the three of us were in a car and it crashed. Sarah broke her leg, so Joel carried her. We ran but Joel and I got separated, when I reached them..."

Tommy sighed through his nose: "Sarah passed away in his arms... I'm thinking, maybe that's why he changed his mind about Ellie? He's- he won't tell you this, but I just thought you should now."

You just nodded with a worried look on your face. After finishing the dishes, Tommy went to their room while you waited on the couch in their living room. He came back with a small frame in his hands: "That's her..."

It was a picture of Joel and Sarah which appeared to be taken after a football match. They both looked so happy, your expression softened immediately and your heart broke: "How old was she?"

"Twelve, I think," Tommy nodded as you examined the picture. "She would've been a whole grownup by now."

Your eyes widened at Joel and Sarah's age gap: "He was so young when he had her..."

"High-school sweethearts," Tommy shook his head and smiled bitterly. "I had no idea what was goin' on. I was around her age when I found out my brother was gonna get married and that I was gonna be an uncle. I don't really remember those times but, Joel managed fine on his own after Sarah's mother left."

You never could've imagined this was the brothers' story before the outbreak: "You miss him, don't you?"

"Me? Miss Joel?" Tommy mocked offence as you handed the frame back to him. "Nah, never... Anyways, he could be back any day, might as well enjoy it before he becomes a pain in my ass again."

You had both laughed about it, but you knew he was worried about Joel and that he missed him. They were pretty close, although worldviews separated them, they were still brothers who cared for each other.

You had also built up the nerve to confess your feelings to Walt. Maria was great at encouragement, so with a deep breath, one night after a patrol in the woods, you knocked on his door:

"Oh, hi there Dolly," Walt smiled. He was looking rather handsome today - as if he put in extra effort to his looks. He looked like as if he was about to go out.

"Oh stop calling me that," You smiled shyly. "I sing once and suddenly I have a new name..."

"It suits you though," he smiled charmingly. "Hey, you'll never guess where I'm about to go right now."

"I'd say on a date, but-"

"Ding ding ding!" He chuckled excitedly. "You know Bonnie, right? She invited me over to her place for dinner."

You just stared, utterly dumbfounded.

"It's a little awkward, I should've been the one to ask her out, but I guess she got tired of waiting!"

She got tired of waiting and shot her shot... and succeeded.

"Oh," you nodded, quickly regaining your composure. "Uh, that's nice- when did you two even get that close?"

"Well," he closed the door to his house, making you take a step back. "You should pull your head out of work from time to time. You've been working so much, you may have missed it."

He smiled genuinely: "Anyways, I have to go now. I'm afraid I can't escort you back this time, I'm running late. You're okay though, right? I hope you didn't come all this way for something important?"

You nodded, words stuck at your throat, then he gave you a brief hug: "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, goodnight!"

You just stood there and watched him leave, mouth agape, hopeless and disappointed.

"So?" Maria asked as you rested your chin on your hand, frowning at your plate. The both of you were having breakfast on your back yard: "How did it go?"

"He's seeing someone else," You sighed after an unnerving moment of silence and put your fork through your food.

"Oh," Maria's excited expression dropped. "Are you sure?"

"He said he was on his way to Bonnie's when I went over to his place."

You both sat in silence, your expression was soft but as much as you tried to hide it, there was a hint of sadness in your eyes. I got everything I didn't deserve after moving here, maybe I pushed my luck too much. You weren't angry, just disappointed.

"He said it himself," You chuckled. "Bonnie apparently got too tired of waiting for him to make a move, so she took matters into her own hands. I was too slow."

"Don't say that," Maria reached for your hand but didn't touch it. "How could've you known? Even I didn't notice they had a thing going on."

"It's okay," you forced a smile and took her hand in yours. "Maybe it wasn't the right time."

Maria was happy that you weren't taking it too heavily - you knew you'd have another chance. After breakfast, you both went your separate ways. Walt greeted you at the stairs which led up to the walls, your heart skipping a beat when you saw him - it was anxious skip however, you were not excited to see him.

"So," You forced a smile as you approached him. "How was your night?"

"Pretty good, thank you," he smirked as you two climbed up.

"Just pretty good? Tell me more!" You laughed. The situation was odd, but he didn't have to know.

"Well," he smiled like a teenage boy after his first ever date with his date. "We began with dinner. She had cooked the most amazing meal- You should definitely eat some too, I suggested that the three of us should have dinner sometime and she's totally down."

You flinched as you approached the notebook on the counter then wrote down your names, your back to him as you felt like jumping off the side of the wall and into a hole where the ground would swallow you whole rather than having dinner with them.

"Yeah, we'll see, I don't wanna be a burden on your new girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend, Dolly, she's-"

"Stay where you are!" You suddenly heard Cedric, one of the patrolman who's shift was over, shout.

"Hold it!" You yelled at Cedric from where you were, then immediately ran out to where he was, Walt behind you. Your heart dropped when you saw the duo who were stood by Jackson's doors.

No way.

[sofuckingdarling-blog-blog]

Erwin, Levi and Tea part 2 of 2.

So he told himself safe things, like that his admiration for Levi was perfectly reasonable, after all everyone admired Levi, even people who didn't much like the man admired him. His yearning for closeness was just a result of that admiration. But Erwin knew better and a part of him had known that he was drawn to Levi in a more passionate way then admiration would dictate, that he had felt something there that was strong and unyielding since he first set eyes on the way Levi flew. But Erwin tried his best to be careful during tea time, he focused on moderating himself, perfected the timing of his stares. Sometimes though, he felt himself to transparent, a gaze lingered to long an accidental touch that caused a bright red flush to become obvious on his pale cheekbones, but each time he thought he may have outed himself. Levi was as unaffected as ever and Erwin could internally sigh with relief.

Erwin was always the one to approach Levi and that didn't change until Levi lost Petra and Farlan. He remembers clearly the urgent knock at his door and the shock he felt seeing the smaller man's eyes bloodshot and rimmed red looking frantically around , trying to avoid looking at Erwin altogether As if somehow looking at him would hurt. Erwin just opened his door and offered to brew Levi some tea, his brewing skills had gotten better thanks to Levi's detailed and somewhat impatient instruction. Levi nodded still refusing to look at him and he left his office and came back with two cups and pot of chamomile tea, hoping it would help soothe Levi's nerves. The night was long ,countless cups of tea were drained and Erwin sat at his desk mindlessly going over the same pieces of paperwork, thoughts focused solely on the man in front of him. It seemed odd that hours earlier this same man held a blade to Erwin, furious and half in shock with grief, needing an outlet. Levi had lashed out .

Erwin was actually happy to be the recipient of that violent grief stricken action, it gave him a chance to let his comrade know the depth of his importance in the fight for humanity, it allowed him to express to the Levi that holding on to regret would only hurt him and the people depending on him. He was able to tell him with sincerity that they would push forward together and make sure that the death of his loved ones has meaning. He did his best to give Levi clarity and a solid goal while he was floundering in his grief. That this incredibly powerful man listened to Erwin's words through his pain set his soul alight. it was shaky, new and hard won, but Erwin knew that a certain amount of Levi's trust had been given to him in that moment.

Still as they sat facing each other mugs of tea in had Erwin was afraid to make a wrong step, to somehow damage his hurting comrades trust before they had a chance to build on it. He felt at a loss, his heart and guts felt tight and twisted up. Erwin knew to well that there was nothing anyone could say that would really help ease the pain. So Erwin was quiet, and as with most things in their slow blooming relationship, He let Levi take the lead. He remembers hoping that night that the warmth from the chamomile was comforting to Levi that somehow the familiarity of their interaction would help ease the frantic mans tension. At that moment Erwin wished he could infuse the tea with every warm thought he held for the man in front of him. He knew it was a stupid silly vain thing to wish for but the twisting in his gut relaxed at thought.

It was as though his body was calling out for him to comfort the grief stricken Levi. But he knew that they were not at such an intimate level and the knowledge was bitter in his throat, it pricked at the corners of his eyes and he had to compose himself subtly before looking back at the narrow steel grey eyes. His eyes seemed less frantic and more resigned underneath the delicate furrowed brows, and Erwin's stomach clenched at the thought of the turmoil Levi was experiencing. Erwin knew that Levi's heart was more tender then his in dealing with this sort of loss, not that Levi was in any way weaker because of it, just newer to the Corps and with a heart more decent then Erwin, Levi's heart to Erwin was a very clear indicator of strength, because despite all he had experienced it was still so full of the capacity to love. lost in these thoughts Erwin almost missed it when Levi said "Farlan, Isabel and I, we were saving up to go to the surface, you know? We were going to be filthy rich, the sort of rich where we wouldn't even have to wipe our own asses if we didn't want to." his fingers traced the outlines on a fancy tin of tea. "It seems stupid now, I'm sure it sounds stupid, but It wasn't about being rich, it was about comfort, if we could fantasize about a life that we didn't have to struggle through everyday just to be constantly shit on it was easier to wake up in the mornings."

Erwin blinked, shocked at the unprompted confession, in awe over the heart wrenching honesty. his heart pounding in his chest. Erwin hadn't known about the specific aspects of their plans to get to the surface, he knew the surface was the end goal of getting the bounty on Erwin but he didn't know the details. They came as a bit of a surprise to Erwin, but the comfort aspect made complete sense to him, having to live everyday struggling to survive carrying around the burden of a growling stomach would be hard without a fantasy to sustain you. That they fantasized about wealth was unsurprising. Full stomachs everyday, safe comfortable places to sleep, the ability to indulge in the things that made them happy. No longer being powerless.

Levi continued fingers still tracing the fancy lettering on the tin of luxury tea face resolutely pointed downwards "I wanted to tell you thank you though, for the tea, I don't actually care about being wealthy like the pigs in Sina but I didn't think someone like me would get the chance to look at some shit like this, and here I am drinking it almost every week, i mean shit its unbelievable, Isabel and Farlan were impressed, they didn't really like the tea very much but I'd bring some over to their ungrateful asses anyway, they were happy for me that I got to drink fancy ass tea. They were good people like that." Levi's laugh is hollow "Thanks Erwin" he gets up suddenly and walks to the door.

"We can drink tea whenever Levi" Erwin blurts out and before he can stop himself "Whatever tea you want, any sort of tea in all of Sina in all of the walls" and Erwin feels absolutely ridiculous and disgustingly bare under Levi's steady gaze. but to his massive surprise and relief the smaller mans lip curls up so slightly it would be easy to miss and Erwin probably would have missed it had he not spent so much time studying Levi's expressions. "Sure Erwin, whatever old man don't have a stroke" he closes the door behind him with a thud.

Erwin is left with his thoughts and the rising sun, he feels stuck to the spot behind his desk. His ears are red and he thinks about how Levi and his friends had dreamed of luxury, his friends are no longer around but Erwin is grateful that for the duration of their time with the Survey Corp they had full bellies and warm safe beds and even according the Levi got to try some of the luxury tea's that Erwin had bought. Erwin had no idea how Levi managed to sneak them out without him knowing but he suspects a lock picking kit and graceful, nimble, fingers that are all to familiar from Erwin's observation of them griping a tea cup by the rim or tracing over beautifully decorated packages. One day Erwin thinks he will manage to pluck up the courage to ask Levi why he holds his cup in such an odd way. Erwin shakes his head free from his frivolous thoughts, thoughts that are caught up in Levi completely.

Erwin knows that its selfish but he is so happy that Levi is still here living, breathing, and with him in the Survey Corp. He wasn't lying when he said that humanity needed Levi's strength, but Erwin knows that isn't the only reason he wants Levi around. He decides then that life really is to short, especially for them. In the short time they have left, since being in the Scouts is like living on borrowed time, Erwin wants to be the one that indulges Levi, he realizes this like a smack to his face stinging, bright and obvious. He wants to be the one that exposes Levi to every luxury possible given his budget. He may not be wealthy like the nobles in Sina but he has a fair amount of money, he is well connected, motivated and talented in scheming.

So when Levi comes to him a day after his night spent grieving in Erwin's room, Erwin is relieved. He let out a breath he had been holding since he stupidly let words naked with the desire of Levi's company spill from his mouth. Levi asks him if he's ever heard of tea that blooms when its brewed and Erwin smiles. He tells Levi he actually know where to get some, and Levi looks up at him through his fringe which looks like it needs a cut soon and says "Great lets get some of that shit" and Erwin's entire frame feels electric. He follows the request up by asking Erwin if he would be wiling to brew some tea in an hour or so, after dinner, and Erwin is sure his body is made of something capable of creating sparks.

He feels the desire to shower Levi in good things as something sharp and warm, almost possessive almost jealous. It's the part of him that guards his observations of Levi and each cup of tea he drinks with a feverish tenacity. That feels pleasure curl as deep as his bone marrow each time Levi requests a specific blend of tea, or lets out an obviously pleased sigh after sipping from his cup. That Levi had ever had the desire for luxury is a blessing for Erwin who delights in every good thing he can give the small man. Erwin who is awestruck by the wonder that colors Levi's expressions at things he never thought he would see or experience underground. He wants to keep those expressions to himself because there is something so fragile and breakable in those expressions of contentment, pleasure, excitement, wonder and awe that he has to fight back his instincts to protect and remind himself to enjoy the time he has with this incredible person. Erwin is no longer a frugal man, as Levi has unleased every indulgent part of him.

[naplunamod]

primrose  (an itaxsaku fic)

This was for a gift exchange in an itasaku server i was in...my prompt was “That doesn’t mean what you think it means.”  here’s hoping that whoever’s prompt i got will see this  (sorry it’s late i got caught up with taking summer classes)

Men were dense.

Uchiha men unbelievably so. Or at least that's what she thought at first.

So when Sakura received her first bouquet of flowers from Itachi Uchiha, a beautiful mixture of blue salvias, pansies, pink camellias with a single creamy white lily in the middle of it, for her official graduation as Tsunade's apprentice, she smiled and blushed while taking it but ultimately thought nothing of it. After all men were strange and Itachi Uchiha was perhaps the strangest of them all.

The second time Sakura received flowers from Itachi Uchiha, if you could even consider them flowers, just so happened to be after a particularly hard death. She was 6 years old. Eyes as clear and unique as the twilight sky they reminded her of...at least when they weren't darkened to a deep purple with pain. Lady Tsunade tried to warn her. There were just some things medical chakra (which speeds up cell division to produce new healthy cells) couldn't heal. She should have listened. So when there were no more sweet smiles, no more ringing laughter, no more soft pleas for “Pleeeeease just one more story and I promise i'll go to sleep Sakura Onee-chan pretty pretty please with frosting on top”, Sakura was an emotionally devastated wreck (it came with wearing your heart on your sleeve). So when she saw the small aloe vera plant sitting so innocently on her window sill the next morning with his perfect scrawling handwriting on an even smaller card, she got angry. Was he mocking her? Giving her a plant that promoted healing, with an angry grief stricken cry the aloe had a new home against her wall. But, just like her, the next day the aloe was back in her window in it's small broken pot now glued back together with a small thank you written in messy doctor's script. That afternoon Tillian (or Tilli as Naruto and Ino would come to know her) gained a window buddy a golden pothos by the name of Balthazar (courtesy of Kakashi-sensei. It was cute in a weird sort of way).

These in her opinion strange but thoughtful and hey what girl didn't like to receive flowers every now and then occurrences continued to happen for a while. A daffodil here, an iris there whether it was a special occasion or not. Most of the time they were left on her doorstep or windowsill with just his name and no explanation. And never a bouquet, not since that first time,  just a single flower in a small vase or with a cute ribbon tied around it.

The first time he actually spoke to her was on her 21st birthday. Because  she had an early shift the next day and totally NOT because a certain ramen obsessed ninja begged her and threatened to tell a certain Ino-pig that she wanted a big blow out party until she gave in she found herself at a small celebration at Ichiraku. Naruto was going on about he and Sasuke's latest mission which ended up with Sasuke waist deep in muck and him dangling upside down from above while being attacked by the migratory birds they were sent to capture and relocate. Naruto was wildly and animatedly getting to the best part (his words and not her own), evidently one of the male birds took a liking to the back of Sasuke's head a little too much his resulting shudder and grumbled “It wasn't THAT funny dobe” made it all the funnier though she'd never say that out loud when they were interrupted by Itachi's soft and smooth “Sakura-San”. Somewhat surprised she smiled and returned his greeting. “Itachi-San. What brings you by?” Both Sasuke and Naruto seemed to be taken aback by Itachi's soft smile shot her way though she really had no idea why. Sure he was a little bit emotionally repressed but no more so than Sai.

If Itachi was uncomfortable with the sudden attention he was getting from Sasuke and Naruto he didn't show it. “I heard from a little black birdie that I might find you here for your birthday.”

Sakura hummed not surprised at all at that bit of information though she did make a mental note to put said curly-haired black birdie on bedpan duty for a week. Shisui may be an Uchiha in name but he was just about as gossipy as some of the younger nurses in the hospital and last thing she needed was rumors being started. Still she nodded to Itachi “Yeah I didn't want anything big so I decided to have dinner with the boys.”

Itachi nodded to them as if seeing them for the first time “Ototo, Naruto-kun... I don't mean to intrude I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday and to give you these.”

Sakura gently took the small bouquet he held out to her. “It's beautiful...thank you Itachi-san”. Much smaller than the first this one contained only a few simple flowers. A few magenta zinnias, a few gardenias and a red carnation framed by some smilax vines.

Itachi dipped his head “Ah.  I will take my leave then. Enjoy your meal Sakura-san. Ototo, Naruto-kun.”  Just as quickly as he appeared he was gone.

Sighing softly Sakura could feel their stares at the back of her head effectively ruining the mood. “What?” she turned to her two brothers in arms.

“What was that about??” Naruto pointed story forgotten.

“Ah...are you and my brother dating?” If it were anyone but Sasuke she would swear there was a hint of jelousy in his voice...then again it was Itachi he was asking about so it probably was.

Shrugging Sakura looked at the two of them “No we're not dating. He was just being nice it is my birthday after all.” Not that she should have to explain herself to them but really they were reading too much into a kind gesture. At their disbelieving looks she frowned “Look...Naruto remember last year when Itachi-san got you those special kunai for your birthday? And don't even get me started on how he practically buys out every tomato in the village for Sasuke's. Presents are expected to be given for your birthday. He's just being nice. Nothing more.”

More time passed and things continued on in the same manner. Sakura realized that soon she would need to start drying out and preserving her flowers because she was beginning to run out of room and even though it only used the most minimal amount of chakra to keep them fresh and beautiful eventually even that wears on you. Vowing to herself that after her shift she'd stop by the Yamanaka flower shop to grab a flower scrap book it would soon be forgotten for now. It would also lead to the first time in a few months that Sakura wouldn't receive flowers for a while. For when she reached her office one of the newly graduated nurses was waiting for her at her office door. His name was Tsukishima Kei, only a few years younger than her he was already well on his way to becoming head nurse. With his short messy blonde hair, honey colored brown eyes, and physic that despite not being a shinobi shows that he takes time to keep in shape it was really no wonder he was popular among the female patients however, he was surprisingly well liked with the kids. He could almost rival Shisui in the looks department though unlike Shisui his bedside manner could use some work. Nodding in greeting to him Sakura let him into her office after he asked to speak with her for a moment. Fifteen minutes later Tsukishima left her office and Sakura found herself with a date that Saturday evening. Ino was positively excited although Sakura got the distinct air of disappointment once she told Ino who it was she was going out with. But Ino didn't tell so she didn't ask. Sakura also vaguely wondered why Ino didn't comment on the bounty of flowers dotting her apartment everywhere... with the way she absolutely refused to let Sakura pick out her own clothes or do her own hair. But she had to admit when Ino finished she looked absolutely radiant. Tsukishima thought so too earning him a pretty blush as she looped her arm through his with a wave to Ino not to wait up. She never even noticed Ino's frown or the purple aster and another blue salvia sitting by her doorstep, carefully brought in by Ino upon her leaving. She did notice however a few weeks into dating Tsukki at his insistence she found it kinda cute that he wanted her to call him by the same nickname he best friend did... that the flowers had stopped. It made her feel weird and not in a good way. Did Itachi somehow know they were dating? And why did it matter so much? A week later much to her relief, perhaps with the uptick of missions he didn't have time to leave her any Sakura found a small bundle of yellow flowers on her desk. A yellow carnation, a yellow hyacintha, a marigold, and a yellow rose lay neatly on her desk tied up in a yellow ribbon. Smiling fondly albeit a little confused that they weren't in a vase like usual she pulled out a beaker and filled it with water for the flowers and placed them on the corner of her desk. Two months into dating Tsukki they decided mutually to break it off. While they found that they challenged each other intellectually they both agreed that that certain romantic spark just wasn't there. Sakura also realized that deep down some part of her was almost happy at the turn of events because she hadn't received any more flowers from Itachi since the yellow ones and she was 90% sure he knew she was dating someone despite she and Tsukki's efforts to keep it secret. It was weird how the thought of not getting more flowers from him, despite them rarely talking or seeing each other bothered her more than breaking up with Tsukki. It also didn't hurt that she noticed the longing glances that he shared with the new doctor, she believed his name was Tetsuro Kuroo and even teased him about them laughing at Tsukki's sputtering blush. It wasn't until Ino decided to visit one afternoon for lunch that Sakura realized that there might indeed be something to the flowers she had been receiving. It was a few days after her breakup honestly she never knew how Ino found out these things about her personal life so fast and Sakura agreed under the condition that they had lunch in her office because she was on duty today and on call for the next few days to which Ino readily agreed. As usual for their lunch dates they talked about their days what they had been doing since last seeing each other to her surprise Ino had started a tentative relationship with Sai of all people. Naturally talking about her own budding relationship Ino asked her friend about her own to which Sakura explained about she and Tsukki's mutual break up. And while she didn't seem too upset about it Ino still felt the need reply because at this rate the biggest fish was likely to swim away.

“Cheer up forehead. You know how that old cliche saying goes there are plenty of other fish in the sea.” She gauged her friend's reaction.

Sakura hummed not committally into her food “I don't know pig. The general consensus has not been in my favor. Aside from Tsukki nobody has shown any interest in me.”  

Ino could have.... wanted to slap her forehead. She knew Sakura could be a bit stubborn...still watching her friend closely she wondered if Sakura even knew with a mental sigh and eye roll (really and she though men were difficult but this also was Sakura she was talking about) “Those flowers on your desk seem to suggest otherwise.” she said dryly with a wave to the still living bundle.

Sakura looked up from her food with a raised eyebrow. “What are you talking about pig?” Those are just flowers....arn't they?

Ino did sigh out loud this time leave it to Sakura to forget the first thing they learned in kunoichi class. “If you don't know I'm not going to tell you.” She stood and grabbed her things but was sastified when Sakura got that look that she got when trying to puzzle something out. “Tell you what. Because I'm such an awesome friend...” she flipped her long hair behind her back earning an eyeroll from Sakura “...stop by the shop after your shift and I'll give you a hint. And bring those with you.” She nodded at the yellow flowers on her way out.

Sakura sighed as she settled into her couch notebook and scrap book in one hand, the book Ino let her borrow the night before “The Kunoichi's Kado” and a fresh hot cup of tea ready to do what she was best known for...research. She supposed if Ino went through all of this trouble she could at least give it a try though she was fairly confident that nothing would come of this. Especially after finding a new set of flowers on her windowsill this morning, a clovenlip toadflax, a moss rosebud and a spider flower. At least that had been her mindset when she started this little project hours earlier. But...she couldn't deny the evidence right in front of her and maybe realized it a lot sooner if she had continued on with her kunoichi classes.

Blue salvia -  I think of you

pansy – love and admiration

iris -  a message

pink camellia – longing for you

white lily – purity

aloe vera – grief He was grieving with her she realized looking over to Tillie

golden pothos – perseverance

daffodil - you're the only one

magenta zinnias – lasting affection

gardenia – secret love

red carnation – admiration, my heart aches for you

smilax – loveliness

purple aster – kindness, gentleness, wisedom

yellow carnation – jealousy

yellow hyacintha – jealousy

marigold – jealousy

yellow rose – jealousy

Sakura sighed at this though she supposed she couldn't blame him. She'd be jealous if she saw her crush going out with someone else as well. That also explained the lack of flowers.

Clovenlip toadflax – please notice my feelings for you

moss rosebud – confession of love

spider flower – elope with me hopefully he meant go out with him Sakura wasn't sure if she was ready for marrage just yet.

All this time Itachi had been plainely or not so plainely stating his feelings for her and she never realized. Though in a way it made sense not being able to express himself outwardly he expressed himself in the only way he really knew how. And she never noticed. She had to go see him right away. She had to know. Had to let him know.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at his pink haired teammate who currently was huffing like she had sprinted across the village which is exactly what she did she needed to train more with her boys if she's this winded from a little sprint.

“S...Sasuke is Itachi home? I need to talk to him.”

Sasuke's eyebrow rose even higher “Hn... he just left for a mission with his team about 10 minutes ago. His team moves pretty fast but if you hurry you might be able to catch him.”  Sakuke watched as her whole body seem to deflate meaning she likely wasn't going to go after him. Especially when he saw her worrying her lip with indecision “Look...his team is fast and effiecent. He should be gone for maybe three days. If that long. You could always just tell him when he gets back.” He leaned aganst the doorway still watching her.

“Y...yeah you're right. I wouldn't want him to not be focused on the mission. And I just might need a little more time to think myself.”

“Let me guess. You found something out and made a rash decision?” Sasuke smirked.

Sakura narrowed her eyes “How long?”

“Since your birthday for sure.”

“And you didn't say anything?” she asked incredulously.

Again Sasuke shrugged “Wasn't my place.”

“Ass...” Sakura muttered hating to admit that  he was right. No matter how frustrating it was knowing that she wouldn't be getting any answers rigtht away. But perhase it was for the best. A relationship with Uchiha Itachi wasn't something she could or should just jump into. “And you're ok with this?”

“At least I'm a good  looking one.” Sasuke retorted  earning himself an eye roll and a punch to the shoulder. “Besides. I'd rather it be you than any of his fangirls.”

Something wasn't right. Sakura could feel it like a second skin clinging to her rousing her from her sleep long before the Anbu arrived at her window. Call it a 7th sense if you will that medics tended to develop. She was already half way dressed when she heard the familiar tapping at her window.

“The Hokage requires your assistance. Several recon teams have come in severely injured and in critical condition.”  

Grabbing several soilder pills for herself no doubt in her mind she'd need them tonight they were both gone in a flash. What greeted Sakura was nothing short of complete chaos. Rolling her sleeves up she dived into the fray. Nobody would be dying tonight if she could help it.

Beep...

Beep....

Beep.......

Itachi groaned blindly reaching out to turn off that incessant beeping from his alarm. His entire body was sore all over and all he wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. His brow furrowed as his brain struggled to connect the dots. there shouldn't be an alarm clock going off he should still be out in the field....His eyes shot open and he sat up a little too quickly causing the world of sterile white around him to swim. Just how long was he out? He looked around the room once his vision cleared at least he was in a Konoha hospital which means he and his team had made it back...or close enough for someone to find them and bring them back. Laying back against his pillows he turned his head intending to get some more rest before he was undoubtedly bombarded with friends, family and the Hokage once they all knew he was awake when he saw evidence of someone already having visited. He chuckled softly to himself and closed his eyes. On the night stand was a black and red vase....it's contents a jonquil, a white jasmine and a single sakura branch. Returned affections and willingness respectively the thought of Sakura was willing to give them a try filled him with a nervous sort of warmth as he sank back into the bed tiredness once again over taking him. It  took a while, and admittedly he was worried but it seems that in the end he shouldn't have.

[varnienne]

Shattered Reality - Year 1, Part 1

A/N: Finally got around to finish editing this. I know I said I'd work on the Pokemon Crossover project (and I am, concept drawings and the outline are a WIP) but I think it's better I have at least a few different projects to focus on at a time.

That being said, I hope you guys enjoy my story.

TW: brief references to PTSD and grief, I think that's it?

Her eyes snapped open.

Heavy breaths echoed in the room as a scream died in her throat. Soft ticking penetrated the haze first. Moonlight glinted off of the four-star ball. Its familiar energy caressed her aura. Avoca focused on that feeling. Took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She absorbed the soothing blues of her bedroom walls as she kept breathing. Training clothes folded on the nightstand. A picture of her family hanging by the clock. Its glowing hands reading three fifty-seven.

She sighed. No point trying to sleep now. Tossed her covers off and swung her feet around. Avoca grabbed her training clothes as she stood. Started changing, completely dressed when her door opened. She glanced one way. Then the other. No one but her was up. Thankfully.

Trudged her way down the hall and out the front door, steps carefully soft. The deep violets of early morning kept her hidden as she walked across the field. She stopped in front of a rounded door.

“Open, please.” Air hissed out as it unlocked. Slowly, it fell open, turning into a ramp. She tapped the close button as she passed the frame. The second the door resealed, Avoca called out to the system. “Gravity on, level 275.”

She moved into stretches as the weight settled on her body. Deep breath in, an arm raised into an overhead block. Deep breath out, it was slowly switched with a punch from her other hand. She glided through every new movement, aura swirling around her like a gentle tide.

“Increase the gravity to level 290. Training bot level 3,” she called out to the room's control system.

[Commencing…]

Her body became heavier and she tensed all her muscles before relaxing again. One foot slid back and the other moved to the side. Her brother’s feet wavered as she stepped next to him. Set a shaky hand on his shoulder. Her arms rose into a loose block as small orbs floated in. Light swirled through their seams alerting her to their activation. Together they fell into a familiar stance. They could do this. They could end it. She formed a ball of red energy in her hand and smirked. Avoca sent her energy at the nearest bot.

“Give me what your daddy couldn’t.” His aura expanded as the blast grew. “Before I send you home to him.*”

She snarled at the creature. “You’re reign ends now.”

Her blast ricocheted from it onto the others, passing her every chance they could. She let her body take over and forced her mind to fall silent. Years of honed instinct kept her movements fluid as she danced around the blast. The snickering monster was distracted with a blast to his back. Avoca noticed. “Now, brother!” She added another ball to the fray. They gritted their teeth, planted their feet, and forced out everything they had. Another command to the system had the gravity strengthening to 310.

As she created a third energy ball, the door opened. “Avoca-nee?”

She jumped and released the ball as she turned, but the bots took advantage and aimed all three blasts at her. Growling, Avoca twirled, tail unwrapping from her waist to bat them into the walls. She commanded the system to shut off and whirled back to her brother.

“Gohan, you know better than to come in here when I’m in the middle of my routine!” The younger Saiyan chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. Avoca sighed. “Just be careful next time, okay?”

He glanced away and scratched his cheek. Her heart lurched. Gohan looked just like their father doing that. She sighed and asked him why he’d come to get her. “I wanted to make sure you'd have time to get ready for your first day.”

Shit. Had she gotten too caught up in training? It wouldn’t be the first time. “What time is it?”

[The current time is six, twenty-two…] echoed through the room.

“Oh, good. I have time to shower.” The Saiyan girl thanked her brother as she rushed down the hall. Maybe school could keep her memories away for a while.

~oOo~

A week earlier, on the other side of town, a team of teachers were chatting as they waited for the principal. He’d called an impromptu meeting so early some of them were still yawning. One person, in particular, was curious why Nedzu would call him in. He wasn’t even done with his teacher certification yet.

The tired heroes perked up as the being in question finally joined them. In his paws was a red USB that arrested everyone's attention. Its implications sobered them immediately.

Nedzu maneuvered into his seat at the head of the table and smiled. "Good morning everyone! I'm sorry to call a meeting like this on such short notice, but I've been informed that one of our new admittees is… quite powerful."

He paused to plug the drive into the table's display input. The places in front of the staff members lit up with the school logo before showed a fierce young brunette with determined amber eyes. There was a hardened light in her gaze that told of her experience in battle. Her hair was noticeably thick and spiky, much like the furry tail around her waist.

"This is Son Avoca, publicly registered as Midoriya Izumi." The lightness in Nedzu's tone vanished. A conflicted look took over his face. "She is one of the two children responsible for ending Perfect Cell."

Toshinori's heart dropped. She was so young and had already been exposed to such horrors. He'd known the two who'd stopped the creature were a bit young, but he wasn't expecting children. She was barely fourteen.

"From what I understand, young Gohan will also be attending UA in a couple of years." The screen changed to show an even younger boy with black hair just as spiky as his sister's. Though his expression was a bit softer, the same determination reflected in his eyes. "He'll be going to a nearby middle school until then."

Toshinori frowned. If these kids were so powerful… "How come we hadn't heard of them before the Cell Games?" The abilities they displayed both with and without the aid of their quirks was unbelievable. Most kids their age had nowhere near the amount of training they surely must've had.

"They were living out in the mountains in the southern district. But they have been mentioned in the news before." At this, Nedzu's nose twitched. "Had Miss Son- Miss Midoriya - not mentioned it herself, I doubt even I would've noticed the connection."

The principal pulled up an infamous headline from eight years ago.

Throat dry, Toshinori glanced around at the other teachers and found them just as pale as he felt. He returned his focus to the files. The more he read, the more questions he had, a pit growing in his stomach with each one. The hows and whys swirled in his mind until Nezu spoke again.

“I know you all have questions. I do too.” His smile returned. “I've organized an interview so we may learn more about Miss Midoriya and perhaps find some answers.”

“Wait.” Present Mic frowned and leaned back in his chair. “I don't recognize her. Did she not take the entrance exam?”

Nezu's smile became strained. “The Hero Commission was quite insistent about her attending our school.”

Oh. That explained a lot. It also brought more questions Toshinori wasn’t sure he wanted answers to.

~oOo~

Looking at her reflection, Avoca turned. The skirt was a little short on her with how curvy she was starting to get. At least they were allowed to wear leggings underneath it. The blazer was a nice neutral grey to compliment the greens of the skirt and lapel stripes.

Her gaze caught the papers sitting on her desk and the brunette frowned. All the important papers she needed to verify her "new identity." Any reference to their father or their role in the Cell Games was conveniently left out. But they'd made note that Principal Nezu and her teachers would be aware of who she was.

Ugh, the regulation and hidden identity were like some twisted witness protection program. More like monitoring persons of interest. She shook her head to force those thoughts from her mind.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. She turned to see her brother in the doorway. His pink checks and twitching tail made her smile reassuringly at him.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh, couldn't tuck it in comfortably…"

Avoca giggled. "I had the same problem when we were younger. Here," pulled the band of skirt down. Lifted and resettled her tail. "Wrap it just under the waistband and don't wear a belt." Watched her brother do as told. Gave him a small smile when he didn't look back up. Patted his shoulder. "It'll be fine, brother. We just have to play by their rules a bit." Gohan merely sighed.

He was dressed in his own uniform. The black slacks and blazer looked good on him. She ruffled his hair and laughed at his protest. He'll make friends easily.

Which reminded her… "You remember the names we've been registered under, right?"

The boy nodded. He didn't like having to hide their identities. She didn't either. They were children of Earth's former protector. Maybe they wouldn't shout it from the rooftops, but it's not like anyone would think to look into their father’s past. It wasn't out of shame, but it felt like they were hiding their father.

"Well, let's get going." Avoca sighed and grabbed her backpack. "We don't wanna be late on our first day."

"Yeah."

She nudged his shoulder. He nudged her back. They joked and played as they walked out. She laughed.

Avoca had hope that whatever adventure lay before them, it would be one full of memories.

~oOo~

*TeamFourStar reference. I believe this is from Episode 60 Part 3?

Buy the writer a Coffee

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers GRAND EDITION for Switch ;; More, Blood ー Reiji Ecstasy [10]

ー The scene starts in the underground dungeon

Yui: ...Reiji-san! Hang in there!

Reiji: Guh...

Yui: Reiji-san!?

Reiji: You are...such a noisy person...No need to...cry about like that...

...Are you...crying?

Yui: Anyone would cry if...someone precious to them suffered such a horrible fate. (1)

Reiji: Precious...? Me?

Yui: Yes...Exactly. Reiji-san...I...deeply care about you.

Reiji: I cannot comprehend...Why am I precious to you in your eyes?

Yui: That’s...Because I’m not a prey, but a human.

Reiji: Because you’re human...? 

Yui: You might not feel the same way. However, I am human. I have feelings. (2)

Reiji: ーー You don’t...have to tell me that, I am aware.

Yui: ...Reiji-san...

Reiji: To me...acknowledging you is...very painful...

Yui: Painful?

Reiji: Not just you...My brothers...Furthermore, my mother and...father...All of them...

I simply can not acknowledge them...I’m a petty man...

Can you...truly cherish someone like that?

Yui: I can...

Reiji: How...?

Yui: ...Because I like you.

*Rustle*

Reiji: ...That part of you...is exactly where humans and Vampires just cannot relate, I believe...

What part of me...do you like? What struck your fancy?

Yui: You were kind to me, weren’t you? Also, you looked out for me...

Reiji: I recall doing...at least an equal amount of...horrible things to you...though?

Yui: ...Of course, you did but...Even so...I still like you, Reiji-san.

Reiji: Fufu...Haah...Good grief...You are a simple masochist.

Yui: I might be. But I cannot help these feelings.

I want you to be by my side...and scold me. I want you to be here...and show me the slightest hint of kindness every now and then...

Reiji: What you are referring to...is the carrot and stick (3) approach, you know?

Yui: Will you...attempt to understand me?

Reiji: Understand...?

Yui: Understanding those who are different from you...and acknowledging them is all you need to do.

I won’t...be as selfish as to ask you to love me back. After all...I’m not qualified to receive your affection just yet.

I’m still improving myself (4) ...However...

Reiji: Try and understand those who are different and...simply...acknowledging them...

...Haah...What have I done...?

Yui: Reiji-san?

Reiji: Somehow...Fufu...I feel like you were way ahead of me this time...

I was unable to just genuinely accept those around me like you do and because of that...I made a blunder...Hah...

Shuu: ...I’m partially responsible for that as well.

Reiji: Who cares about responsiblity. I...I just...

I just...Exactly, I wanted to...get one step closer to my mighty Father...

Shuu: Reiji...

Reiji: However...I realized that I simply cannot surpass him...Shuu, I felt the same about you.

Shuu: Me?

Reiji: You...hold an absolute strength which I simply lack...

Shuu: Haah...And what would that be?

Reiji: You subconsciously draw people to you. You hold the power to have people submit to you. That is a strength...I do not have.

Exactly...Just like the music you love so much...

Shuu: Hah...Aren’t you reading into it a little too much?

Yui: Music...Ah, the violin...I see...I get it now.

Reiji: ...Eh?

Yui: Your Father...I’m sure Karlheinz thought the exact same thing as you, Reiji-san.

Which is exactly why he gifted Shuu-san the violin. It draws people in, subconsciously capturing their hearts. Just like music...

Reiji: Adapting to human culture...Both humans and Vampires alike find themselves entranced by it, huh...? ...Haah...

Father...saw right through everything all along...No matter how much I struggled...It would be impossible for me...

Yui: That’s not true...! After all, he gave you such an amazing watch, did he not?

Reiji: Clock...? Aah...The pocket watch of demise? That symbolizes those who are unable to overcome their own desires, simply drowning in them...

Ironically enough, it turned out exactly like that...Just look at this situation.

Yui: It’s the exact opposite. I’m sure. Even though you looked at the clock’s face...You were able to preserve your sanity.

I think he wanted to convey that you actually are someone with a strong mentality, able to withstand your own desires.

Reiji: ...Fufu...

Yui: Reiji-san...?

Reiji: Once again...I’ve been reminded of that unbelievable optimism of yours...

Yui: ...That’s one of my good points, I’d argue.

Reiji: That’s something...Vampires lack...It might be a merit of being human.

Shuu: ...Oi, I’m taking him...I’m taking Yuma back, okay?

Yui: Ah...Yes...

Reiji: Shuu...

Shuu: What?

Reiji: I cannot...accept everything just yet.

Shuu: ...You don’t have to.

Reiji: Eh?

Shuu: I acknowledge that side of you, and you’ve also accepted that as part of yourself, haven’t you?

Reiji: ...Hah?

Shuu: You are well aware of the fact that you have a hard time accepting others. How is that any different from acknowledging it?

Reiji: ...Per usual, you speak so arrogantly...

Shuu: ーー Oi, you.

Yui: Yes...

Shuu: I’m leaving him in your care.

ー Shuu walks away

Reiji: ...I wonder where that brotherly facade came from...?

Yui: It’s fine. After all...

Selection

→ You’re brothers so it only makes sense (S)

Yui: You’re siblings.

Reiji: ...Hah...Hearing that now gives me goosebumps...

Yui: ...You’re brothers, so please don’t ever try and kill each other like that again.

→ That’s a sign of your mutual acknowledgement (M)

Yui: Don’t you think this proofs that you can accept each other?

Reiji: ...I told you, did I not? I have not acknowledged everything just yet.

Yui: However, you’re slowly coming to peace with it. I’m sure you’ll be able to do it...Right?

Reiji: Who knows...I cannot promise that. Kuh...! Cough cough...!

Yui: Reiji-san! Hang in there...!!

Reiji: This is farewell, Yui.

Yui: Eh!? No way...You said Vampires don’t die...!

Reiji: Sort of...However...It is not entirely impossible.

Besides...There is something I have to atone for.

Yui: You can do that while alive as well!

Reiji: I doubt...Father could ever forgive me...

Yui: No way...

–> If you are playing the Limited V edition or the Grand Edition, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.

“Are you...crying? ...I wonder why? Even though you are shedding tears...I cannot help but feel happy...See? I’m a horrible man, aren’t I?”

Reiji: Yui...I love you.

Yui: Eh...?

Reiji: I’d hate to admit it...But the fact that I simply cannot go on without you...

I’m sure my body knew that better than anyone else...

Yui: Reiji-san...I love you too...

Reiji: Fufu...You really are a hopeless masochist...To think that right now out of all times...I would finally be loved by someone...

Yui: You are loved, Reiji-san. By Shuu-san, and by your Father as well.

Reiji: ...Ridiculous...However, for some reason, it feels...very comforting. It’s not a bad feeling.

Yui: Yes. Being loved...feels very nice.

Reiji: ...Is that what I’m feeling...?

Yui: ...Yes...

Reiji: ...There is one last wish...I’d like to ask from you, as my beloved...

Yui: Please, stop saying this is the end...

Reiji: Once I’ve stopped moving (5) ...I’d like you to...chop off my head with that axe over there.

Yui: ...!? No way...!! I can’t...!

Reiji: So I...never come back to life again...

Yui: Reiji-san!!

Reiji: Yui...

Yui: ...!?

Reiji: Nn...

Yui: ...

( Pressed against mine, his lips...feel so incredibly cold... )

Reiji: ...This is goodbye...

Yui: N-No! You can’t...!! Reiji-san! Reiji-san...!!

Reiji: Listen carefully. If you truly care for me...this is...

Yui: Reiji-san...!?

( No...I don’t want this... )

You can just move on from this, can’t you...!? Reiji-san! Reiji-san!?

Reiji: Your hand...

Yui: Hand...?

*Smooch*

Reiji: ...

Yui: Reiji-san...!!

Reiji: ...

ー Reiji loses consciousness

*Thud*

Monologue

Between me and Reiji-san, or between Reiji-san and Shuu-san,

why did things have to turn out like this, I wonder?

It was simply too late to try and understand each other (思いが重なる).

By the time we realized, we had already hurt each other too deeply.

Even if I deeply regret it, I realize that it is too late.

Howeverーー

If only I had opened up my heart (心を開いて) more, giving it my absolute everything,

I might have been able to accomplish something.

While thinking that, I could only silently pray,

that perhaps at least these feelings of mine, would be able to reach him.

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) 目にあう or ‘me ni au’ is an expression commonly used to refer to someone going through a certain (negative/unpleasant) experience. 

(2) 心 or ‘kokoro’, while often translated as ‘heart’, refers more to someone’s soul or their feelings/emotions rather than the actual organ.

(3) Called 飴と鞭 or ‘ame to muchi’ in Japanese, which literally means ‘candy and whip’. Originally a technique to train animals into submission in which rewards and punishments would get alternated. 

(4) Literally she says ‘I’m still in the middle of making an effort.’

(5) 鼓動 or ‘kodou’ usually refers to someone’s heartbeat, however it still isn’t quite clear to me if Vampires are supposed to have a heartbeat or not. Therefore I decided to translate it ‘once I’ve stopped moving’ instead.

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