#this fucking sucks because their ice cream is delicious and cheap

[californiaquail]

went to the local creamery to get ice cream and good milk to make yogurt and i knew they were weirdly christian but didn't fucking realize they were insane antivaxxers but there's straight up "join the bus ride for 'vaccine injured' people" (unclear what for i guess they're just going to drive around and have a pity party?) and robert f kennedy presidential campaign (i thought he gave up?) volunteering posters in there. and also there was a family all hacking and sniffling in front of me. and also i found a hair in my ice cream. also the gallon of (raw.....) milk was $10. think i will be settling for ben & jerrys from the regular store from now on

[brideofcthulhu10]

More headcanons to help me work through the dreaded writer's block! Hope you guys don't mind it's a bit slow right now, I plan on posting another tonight and hopefully I'll be able to get to some asks once my brain is no longer fried

Dwayne Headcanons

When he was responsible for Laddie, Dwayne would often take him out to the boardwalk whenever Star was busy. Sometimes he’d even choose to take him along even if they were with Star just to hang with the munchkin

If anyone told him he was too short Dwayne would hypnotize them into letting him one. He wasn't exactly worried about the kid being flung from the roller coaster, he could easily catch him if it happened. It felt awesome impressing him at the strength test, just watching him jump up and down as the attendant handed him a giant blue monkey which of course he'd give to Laddie. The boy was such a hyper, sunny child it was hard not to laugh when this spritely eight year old would play a water gun game and yell “this is a load of bullshit” when he lost. Well, he did grow up around four teenage guys, two having the worst language you could imagine. David used the word "fuck" like it was going out of style. At one point some lady in her thirties tried to lecture Laddie about watching his language, to which Dwayne had immediately stepped in after he said “piss off lady”. Again he had to choke back a laugh, pushing the kid behind him before this lady throttled him. To save face Dwayne feigned some half assed “shame on you” to Laddie just so she would piss off, and then ushered him away- for an ice cream sundae. Granted while he couldn’t condone a kid cussing up a storm, he did find it utterly hilarious watching this uppity chick squawk like a hen in outrage.

“Seriously though I don’t know where the hell you learned all that from-”

“Paul taught me.”

“Yeah, well, Paul probably isn’t the best guy to copy, kiddo. "

Chinese food isn’t his favorite, but he knows it’s Markos so he doesn’t complain when they have it at least once a week. Actually, his favorite is probably Hispanic. Many forget much of California was once Mexico, and as such the culture still thrived even into the early 1900s. Santa Carla flourished, and between pick pocketing gigs and heavy labor on the docks, Dwayne could always count on there being fresh tortillas for a few dollars after a long day. Elotes with extra chili powder, huarache, freshly brewed horchata on ice? Utterly delicious! Nothing can compare to freshly made tamales by a sweet abuela in a tiny food truck cooing to you in Spanish. Even he can blush when they pinch his cheeks gushing about what a skinny man he is. Paul and Marko love it as well and will often tag along when Dwayne goes to Mama Rosa’s, although he often has to elbow Paul in the gut because he’ll flirt with the cooks in the back into getting a free taco.

“Ay, Paul, mi angelito querido cielito, you’re skin and bones!”

“Well, I always skip a meal before coming here, abuela. Your cooking is too epic to have anything else in my stomach!”

“Dude, will you stop flirting with that poor woman before you give her a heart attack, you ass?”

Dwayne had a brother many years ago who was lost after being caught in direct sunlight during the great San Francisco earthquake of 1906. Since then on April 18th he holds a small memorial for his brother Jasper, who died pulling the curtains shut to shield them from the sun. Some years David, Paul and Marko will join him, silently drinking to their fallen friend. It's a rare moment of seriousness for these wild boys, sitting beside an altar crudely constructed atop a wooden crate, draped over with the jacket once worn by Jasper that survived the flames. Decorated in worn candles melted by decades of use, a bottle of rum from over eighty years ago still untouched with an empty shot glass beside it caked in dust and cobwebs, worn flowers shriveled into darkened husks, a glass of blood they keep freshly filled with each visit, feathers of birds to help carry him to the sky. Every time he adds something new, a gift from every era. Recently he brought Jasper a Def Leppard vinyl record, propped against a sketch of his brother drawn before his passing by an admirer who had died long ago. Paul left a little toy motorcycle for him, Marko brought an old pocket watch he found at an antique store that bore a striking resemblance to one he had admired long ago, and David brought him a hunting knife

“You would’ve loved hair bands, Jas. Everything’s changed now, its crazy. It sucks you never got a bike of your own,” Dwayne would say, sitting in the dark with only the tender flicker of candles brushing away the dark. Never again would he let the sun take him. It was the darkest, deepest cave in the hotel. And there, Dwayne spoke more than he ever does outside “Horses were cool, but it’s better to have something that doesn’t stop every time it takes a shit, you know?”

Unfortunately Dwayne sucks at video games. It’s not that he doesn’t get it, but he has the worst gamer rage. Now, Dwayne doesn’t often get legitimately mad, but when he’s been playing the same god damn stupid water level for the past hour and a half just to be killed by a squid-! Well, lets just say Paul practically dove to catch the controller before it was chucked at the tv, and cue a dirty look towards Dwayne for nearly smashing his “baby”. He wasn’t about to have him break ANOTHER controller. Yeah that wasn’t the first. At this point he’s content just watching from afar and sometimes back seat gaming when Marko is going the wrong way. He’s not nearly as bad as David who will openly call someone stupid after dying. 

Dwayne is definitely the type to nap after a long night. Truthfully he misses when he could just lay out in the sun like a lizard on a hot rock after a long day, it’d feel incredible. Instead he’s resorted to a hot water bottle or a heating pad. Yeah, he loves hot weather. Summertime is his favorite time, just savoring the toasted air blowing in his face on rides over the beaches. Sometimes he’ll try to wake up early to watch the sunset from within the cave, although it’s burnt him on more than one occasion he will still try to get a glimpse. Winter is the worst for him, he hates, absolutely despises the cold. Even though he doesn't technically get cold anymore, everything seems to die away in the winter leaving only twisted branches and grey skies. David may enjoy all that gloomy melancholy but not him.

One wouldn’t assume Dwayne to have much of a sweet tooth. That’s because they’re wrong. While he isn’t into the marshmallow caramel double candy bars deep fried and dipped in chocolate like Marko or Laddie, he has a serious weakness for chocolate. Like, a major weakness. Paul is still searching for his stash, tucked away somewhere secret in the hotel. Any time he thinks he’s close to finding it, Dwayne moves it again.

“Dude, sharing is fucking caring you greedy bastard”

“Get your own candy asshole, why do you think I keep my stash hidden from you guys?”

Now the whole hoity toity fancy chocolate isn’t what appeals to him. He can certainly appreciate a well made chunk of dark chocolate sprinkled with chili powder, but he’ll settle for a cheap bar snatched from a gas station. Most sweets weigh heavy on him, but chocolate is such a unique medium that can be changed into almost anything, appealing to every taste imaginable. Sweet, savory, spicy, bitter, semi-sweet, rich, dense, light. Chocolate cake, chocolate doughnut, hot chocolate, fudge, and of course the traditional candy bar. You make him a mug of Mexican hot chocolate and he is putty in your hands. You couldn’t necessarily bribe him with food. But you could certainly butter him up to suggestions when he’s crunching down on a candy bar. Paul knows this, and at this point Dwayne knows this guy has royally fucked up if he comes up to him with a stack of chocolate bars.

“Heeeeey, Dwayne, buddy, old pal, chum, lookie what I found, all for you man how cool is that?”

“....,” Dwayne glances up from his book at the handful of chocolate and slowly lowers it with a firm sigh. “What the hell did you do now?”

“Wha-Whaaa-? Oh! Okay, wow. Woooow. Offend much? I go out of my way- I mean, can’t a guy just, you know, do something nice for his best friend-?”

“Paul. What. did. you. do?”  

“Okay okay, well you see David made me go fill up his stupid bike, and there was this hot chick at the gas station, I mean perfect fuckin ten man, she had the biggest frickin tits- okay anyway! Well, next thing I know the keys are gone, the chick's gone, the fuckin bike- You gotta help me man he’s gonna fucking kill me and dance on my grave!”

Of course Dwayne will help… in exchange for twice the chocolate. Like I said, it won’t always work as a bribe, but it’ll certainly help your cause if you go in with some incentive.

[gideongrace]

#31!! “You’ve got something on your lip, here let me.”

Ahhhh, this one is so cute!!! Also, I am in a canon-type mood, tonight, apparently.

///

Steve is utterly, utterly hopeless, he knows this. And Billy is an ass. And fucking with him. 

And he doesn't fucking care. 

Because Billy coming in and asking to sample every single flavor of ice cream that they've got at this Hell they call Scoops Ahoy and hemming and hawing about it for five solid minutes and then not buying anything is sometimes all he's got to look forward to.

It's sometimes what he dreams about. 

Okay, he dreams about it a lot, actually. Like an alarming amount of his nights are spent dreaming about that idiot.

Especially on the days Billy comes directly from the pool with his tight red shorts on and that stupid whistle still around his neck and his even more stupid (or more accurately, stupidly gorgeous) arms on display. 

Like today. 

When Steve's hair has been flat for the past hour and Robin is holding up the sign that all but says "Steve Harrington is a big loser" that she's added two new marks to today and not under the win column, either. 

Billy stops in front of the counter and licks his lower lip like he's been looking forward to this all day. Probably not for the same reasons Steve has, but then Steve is pathetic and call this strike three, whatever, Steve's over it. 

"Hmmm…" Billy says. "I think I'd like to try the Cherry today, Captain Steve." 

Except for that Steve's not over it. At all. He might never be over it. Ever. 

"Alright," Steve says real slow. He gets up off the back counter even slower. He might be hopeless but that doesn't mean he's got no pride. He leans against the plastic of the front counter and slides the door open at a glacial pace, glaring at Billy the entire time.

"Oh," Billy says, grin shark big and just as feral, "I think you're forgetting something." He reaches up and over the ice cream freezer to flick Steve's hat. "Say it."

Strike four. 

Steve says it. 

And he hates himself. 

And he wants to spit in the cherry ice cream but with the way Billy won't stop staring at him there's no way to do that and get away with it. He's tempted to do it anyway. He's tempted to say, "Fuck you, Hargrove," but then Robin would pop out of the back just to ask him why and that would really just cause more problems than it solved. 

So he rolls his eyes hard enough he feels it in the back of his neck, scoops out the tiniest portion of cherry he can manage into a cup he crushes half to death before handing it over.

Billy dips his spoon into it and takes out half, like he's gonna savor this, fucking bastard, and moans as he dips the tiny little plastic spoon into his mouth. 

It's the dirtiest clean thing Steve's ever seen in his life. It's obscene. He's glad there aren't any children present. 

Billy's eyes widen as he takes the spoon out and somehow that's worse. Like Steve is never going to not be thinking of Billy making that face worse. Like Steve already knows he's doomed to get himself off tonight thinking of Billy making that face worse.

And then... 

"There's…" Steve says. He presses himself into counter. Pretends he doesn't. "You have…" He waves a hand at Billy's bottom lip. There's a tiny spot of pink cherry ice cream on Billy's full, perfect lower lip. It takes more willpower than Steve thought he possessed for him not to reach out and wipe the offending spot away.

It takes more willpower to not just dive over the counter, knock Billy to the floor and lick it off then lick into his mouth like he's a goddamn ice cream cone. Steve wants to. He's starving. He wants, wants, wants - 

"Right here?" Billy says. He swallows heavily enough that his Adam's apple bobs and Steve can think of nothing but licking at Billy's neck, sucking a bruise right in the center, right where it could never be hidden, not that anyone could ever know he'd been the one to do it.

"Y-yeah." Steve averts his eyes as Billy's hand rises to his lips and wipes. For the first time since this all started, he finds himself wishing Billy would just pick something and leave because if he has to take much more of this he might just spontaneously combust. 

"You know," Billy says, that sharp grin evident in his words so much that Steve doesn't need to look at him to know that it's there. Steve looks anyway and instantly regrets it as his brain floods itself with images of Billy looking up at him with that sharp grin wrapped around his dick.

"I think I'll take the cherry tonight," Billy says and thank god for small mercies because Steve is so not making it home before he has to deal with himself, dear god, he's not sure how he's going to even make it to the bathroom or how he's going to keep Robin from noticing at this rate.

Somehow, his voice comes out of his mouth sounding completely unaffected as he says, "Sure." 

He scoops the ice cream into a cone, takes Billy's money and that's the end of it.

Or at least it is until he walks out of the mall an hour later, the tar of the parking lot still hot under his cheap sneakers and smelling of ice cream and shame that he sees Billy standing in front of his car, the remains of his ice cream cone still gripped in his fist. 

"Harrington," Billy says as soon as he's close enough. Like this is a thing they do. Like they know each other. Or…

Something. 

Steve says nothing. He's too tired and it's too late and he doesn't care. 

He doesn't care except…

Then Billy tips the cone up to his mouth and drinks down the contents at the bottom of it and it has to be gross, he bought it over an hour ago, it has to be hot and nasty and Billy has to have…

Totally been waiting out here for him for over an hour in this stinking summer heat with melted ice cream and a plan. 

Billy bites into the cone like it's the greatest thing he's ever tasted, bite by excruciating bite until it's all gone and there's this tiny patch of chery ice cream making its' way down Billy's chin and - 

Steve glances quickly around the parking lot. It's late, it's dark and there aren't any other cars left in the parking lot other than Steve and Billy's. 

"Fuck it," Steve says. In a second he's on Billy, pushing him against the car and licking that ice cream off his chin and licking up to his lips and kissing him and he tastes like cherries. He tastes goddamn delicious. 

[aspiratixxn]

Hey Dollface

Summary: The best surprise after a really long, hard day at work. 

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 3086

Notes: For @bucky-smiles​ since they’ve had some hard times lately! It’s me, your Bucky anon haha. I just wanted to be really soft and writing Bucky for you really inspired me! I hope you like it :) 

Tagging: @holy-captain​

It’s a shit day. It’s a really, really shit day.

It all started with a burnt pancake, on Monday of all days. Pancakes are a Monday tradition you picked up from your mom, who always made them sprinkled with different fruits to give you a pick-me-up (because Mondays you know?). And you had never burned a pancake, not even the one you made alone at the tender age of seven.

You’re not the superstitious type, not really, but a burnt pancake spelled out trouble and you knew it. You were quick to toss the thing but not quick enough for the smoke detector. Its shrill shriek pierced the morning calm and you heard a clattering through the thin walls of your (mediocre on a good day) apartment. And you had winced when someone banged on your door, asking if you were okay. Of course, you had to answer them, meekly peeking from behind the door. Although they had taken it gracefully, it had already put a damper on your day, which really only got worse from there.

Cleaning the pancake and clearing the smoke detector debacle took up your morning, which meant you didn’t have breakfast. At all. Not even a grab and go banana. Instead, you went sprinting down and out, nearly running over your two floors down neighbor’s dog and getting a shouted earful about that. And of course it was drizzling, enough that an umbrella wasn’t going to keep you from getting uncomfortably damp. Your sneakers squish as you walk in the building, your co-workers wincing when they see you. Your best friend Wanda fusses over you for just a moment, trying to pat moisture out of your shirt.

“Really (Name), you’re such a mess today. I mean more than usual. Did someone get some,” She glances in both directions and whispers in your ear, “Action last night?”

You sputter, pushing her away gently. “Why would you think that?!” He’s not even home right now so it’s not like you could anyways.

She just giggles. “I’m kidding, kidding! Here.” You take the towel and try to dry your hair. You hate this because now you’re going to look like a puffball. “I made some of my famous soup today! For you and me and Natasha, so you’ll be warmed up before you know it.”

You heave a great sigh and drape yourself over her lap. “Oh Wanda, my love, what would I do without you?”

“Starve? Maybe suffer a soupless life?” You gasp, flinging your arm over your eyes. She just laughs again and pats you on the head before she sneaks back to her desk. You’re grateful she’s willing to suffer the wrath of the boss, who pushes productivity to the max.

You take a pause to check your phone before you move and light up when you see (1) message from Bucky.

BUCKY: Good morning beautiful BUCKY: Just wanted to remind you that you are the bestest, most awesome person in the world and you’re gonna rock your day!

You work a classic office job, the kind in weird half cubicles where the walls are too short to hide anything from anyone. Before you even start working you have to clear away all the sticky notes and remnants from last Friday when you had dragged yourself home after some overtime. When your workspace is adequately cleaned (or at least cleaned enough you aren’t knocking over things when you shift), you get to answering your emails.

Which of course, leads to another bad thing. The client was infuriated with the current status of the project. In his eyes, it should have been done a week and a half ago, when you know full well that this project isn’t going to be done for another week if not two. It’s an intense request that just takes time and you’re already doing your best, putting in the overtime to try and reach his ridiculous goals. Heinrich Zemo really needs someone to knock him down a peg and you might just be the person to do it if you ever meet him in person.

So begins the back and forth emailing between you two, filled to the brim with polite fuck you’s. And since he seems to zing back mail at the speed of light, you can’t even work on anything else you’re supposed to, like the design blueprints for Natasha or the business plan outline for Sam. And they’re shooting you little looks because they kind of need that stuff for the next steps of their own projects. Sympathetic looks but looks just the same. And it makes you burn with frustration because you want to get it done, you want to be productive but you just. Can’t.

In between your phone keeps pinging with messages from Bucky, which is the only reason why you survive this entire frustrating situation.

BUCKY: i love your fashion sense. It’s so chic and sleek and ugh, so perfect for you

BUCKY: can’t wait to dance with you again darling! Hope you’re ready to try some tango this time ;)

BUCKY: do you want s’mores pie or banana cream? i’m thinking s’mores because y’know, chocolate. marshmallows. what’s not to love?

BUCKY: next date at the flower garden? we can have a picnic!

BUCKY: holy shit I am so ready for blueberry season again. I know it’s a while away but ugh, I really want some right now :(

BUCKY: you got this babe! I believe in you!

BUCKY: do you want to get Chinese or Italian when I see you again? I’m feeling a strong Chinese vibe. YOU: Chinese BUCKY: that’s my girl

The morning is a blur of pent up anger that ends with you squishing the ever loving shit out of a pumpkin plush, a desk leftover from Halloween. You’re half surprised the thing doesn’t pop under the pressure but you feel bad, placing it back down and patting it. Finally Zemo shuts up and you’re left with fifteen minutes before lunch, which really isn’t time to start anything for work. Instead, you bring out your white bound planner, a bullet journal you’ve been steadily working on, and start to build the next month. End of the month means needing to prep all the pages for February, and you sigh as you stare lovingly at your collection of pens just for this. They’re all absolutely lovely, shades that you adore and a quality that can’t be beat. You mill briefly, deciding between a pastel and a hard pink. The pastel wins out of course and you smooth out the page, already covered in neat pen lines from last night. You begin to fill in banners and hearts and…

Just your goddamn luck your pen starts to fizzle out. Which really sucks because these puppies are not cheap in the slightest. You growl and thunk your head on the desk, making Sam snicker.

“Not your day?”

“Not now Wilson.”

“Aw, c’mon. I’m pretty sure there’s something good in your horoscope for today.” He’s teasing you now for sure. He’s not even into horoscopes, not even as a joke. You turn your head enough to give him your darkest stink eye, which just makes him grin wider. He pats your shoulder and slides over some chocolates, dark like you like it. You huff and your hands come up to open the blue foil, fumbling a bit before popping it in your mouth.

Your phone pings and you glance at it with dull eyes. Sam can visibly see them getting their spark back though and he can guess who’s messaged.

(1) message from Bucky

BUCKY: hey sweetheart, just wanted to tell you that you’re my favorite girl and it’s lunch time! I made myself a sandwich today, look! BUCKY: (1 photo attached)

YOU: why’s it so full? it’s practically bursting! YOU: if you take a bite you’re gonna spill everything out of the bread

BUCKY: hey! rude! >:( BUCKY: I’ll have you know I am a sandwich expert and it will not spill everywhere

YOU: sure it won’t babe ;)

BUCKY: >:T

“(Name)!!” Wanda comes bursting back in, holding up a thermos for you to see. It does brighten up your day, especially when Natasha pops up right after with a box of sandwiches from the best deli on the block. She even got you extra fries. God your friends are so good.

At least lunch passes without any scruples. You don’t spill any of Wanda’s spicy and absolutely delicious soup and you don’t drip any mayo on your blouse from the sandwich. There’s a close call with some ketchup for the fries but it lands next to your leg instead of on it.

“Absolutely not. How dare you even assume Eliza has a chance?” Natasha jabs a fry in your direction.

“Well it’s better than Martha! Did you see her bedroom eyes at him? And he just straight up ignored her!” Wanda throws her hands up in frustration. “Honestly, does this guy even like any of the contestants? It’s like he has the stiffest face in the world.”

You shrug, thoughtfully munching for a moment. “I just think Eliza’s nice y’know? She’s sweet and she’s not pushy, which I mean. It’s probably not great for ratings but Nick hasn’t eliminated her yet so that has to count for something right?”

“Nuh-uh! Angelica’s a favorite here. Did you see how he was laughing on their fake date? I can tell flirting when I see it. And she’s a real firecracker type, which means she’s definitely there to spice up his life if you know what I mean~” Natasha wiggles her eyebrows and you snort, nearly choking on your ice tea.

“Y’all are crazy! It’s definitely gotta be Delanie! Cute, small, hips fit real well.” Sam runs his hands in the same, also wiggling his eyebrows. “And did you see how he was watching her when she was talking about her family? How she wanted a cute little wedding like her parents? That’s a catch.”

You sigh and put your head in your hands. “It’s so artificial though. Like I know all this is scripted and framed and stuff so like, what does it matter? I’d want something real.”

“You sound really dreamy there (name). Got some embarrassing sappy things you want to say to us?” Wanda has her face pressed up to yours and you blush, pushing her away again. Wanda’s really dangerous like that, able to sniff out feelings and stories just like that.

“No! Shut your smug little faces.” All three have taken on that look that you know oh so well. You shovel another few fries in your face and then shut the empty container. Around a mouthful of the dry potatoes, you mumble, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some outlines and blueprints to work on.”

How is this day not already over? Honestly it feels like it’s been an eternity.

Your phone pings with a message. Steve, inviting you to a Monday movie night. Since movies are cheap as hell, Steve likes to visit the theaters often and see what the new thing is. Not surprising given his theatrical/acting/film study obsession.

STEVE: Movie night?

YOU: what movie?

STEVE: Cats (2019) STEVE: I know, I know I just really want to see it. It’s so interesting, the CGI work!

YOU: i dont really want to pay money to see that though YOU: like its YOU: so weird YOU: and like not YOU: i dunno i just don’t really want to see it

STEVE: :( STEVE: C’mon, it’ll be fun! We’ll get caramel corn.

YOU: ooooh tempting me YOU: but no i think imma go home and like wine night it YOU: its been a long day :/

STEVE: Ouch. Well it’s the same place as usual, 6 PM if you wanna come.

YOU: probs not but thanks anyways

STEVE: :)

You plug in your headphones and scroll through your music, settling for some chilled out tunes to slowly progress through the dense documents you have to read before you can properly plan out Sam’s thing. It sucks because you can already feel a headache starting to bud and you have to stop periodically to press on your eyes. You also frequently get up to get water, which means you’re also going to the bathroom a lot and today’s productivity has just slam dunked down the drain. To compensate for not doing literally any work in the morning (gee, thanks Zemo), you put in some overtime hours, which means you’re definitely movie night. You don’t even leave the office until your eyes are burning with the strain of staring at a screen for seven or so hours. You stumble out and rub your eyes, yawning and stretching, trying to get some of the tension out of your shoulders.

(1) message from Bucky

BUCKY: have you been at work this whole time? Damn girl BUCKY: the grind never stops💪

YOU: i wish it did YOU: ugh i’m so tired :(

BUCKY: well you’re almost home right? BUCKY: im sure there’s something good waiting for you at home BUCKY: like dinner! what are you thinking today?

You don’t even know what you’re going to do for dinner, but you’ll deal with that when you get home. At worst you have some cheap instant noodle thing that you can spice up with some eggs. It’s still dreary out and it feels like rain in your skin so you almost sprint home, sticking to the well-lit areas because you are not in the mood to punch a mugger in the nose.

You stop by the corner store though and buy yourself two bottles of wine. You buy something that’s nice, indulging a little. Or you try to anyways, when you discover you left your ID at home. You groan in frustration and instead grab some peach-mango juice and a bag of BBQ chips, hovering momentarily over the big blocks of cheese. You really could just use one to bite into, but you refrain, knowing you have shredded cheese at home, and you can just eat that with a spoon.

Trudging up the stairs, you nearly kick the dog again because it comes shooting around the corner of the stairs. As it is, you end up swerving and kicking the wall which makes you drop your grocery goods and you just.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

You gather the groceries in your arms again and make it finally to your apartment, nearly staggering into the door. You fumble with the keys, missing the lock a few times before jamming it in and twisting. You’re ready to collapse on the couch and chug your juice straight from the gallon container but you don’t because when you lift your eyes up from the ground, you’re met with the bestest, sweetest, slightly crooked smile in the world.

“Bucky!” You drop everything and full body launch yourself at him, nearly tipping him over. Whatever he says about being strong and sturdy, you’re a force to be reckoned with and you snuggle your face up against his neck, breathing in the pine needle and wood smoke scent he has. “I thought you weren’t going to be back for another week!”

“Decided to surprise you doll face.” He peppers your cheeks with kisses, and you can’t help the giggle that bubbles out of you. His lips are so warm against your chilled skin and you try your best to catch them against yours.

He hefts you up a bit so you’re almost sitting on his hip. He bends down to get the fallen chips and you squeal, tightening your hold on his neck. He fakes a choking sound and you loosen a little, feeling him smile against your cheeks.

“You’re so prickly.” Your fingers run along his jawline that’s covered in stubble.

You can feel his laugh, from his chest where you’re pressed. “Sorry pumpkin, I didn’t have a lot of time between there and here.” He stands back up again and you shriek again, burying your face at the sudden moment. “Sounds like you’re still full of energy though.”

“Noooo. I’m really tired Bucky, I had a hard day at work. I’ve had a hard day all dayyyyy.” You turn with a pout, which makes him kiss your puffed cheeks. His eyes sparkle with mirth and you feel like the entire day has completely melted away.

He carries you to the couch, depositing you in front of some of your favorite Chinese take-out. The smell alone makes you wanna drool and you lean forward to take a big, deep breath. “You are a god send.” He waives it out with another full belly laugh, handing you a pair of chopsticks. He got your favorite dumplings and sour-spicy soup and of course, shrimp lo mien. You practically inhale the food. “It’s so good babe, oh my god. I have been revived from the dead.” He flicks on the TV, finding some movie marathon. It sounds like Harry Potter but you’re way to invested in the food in front of you.

It makes you feel so overwhelmingly warm to have him home again after being away for so long. Soon enough, the empty cartons are abandoned on the table and you’re curled up against his side, exhaustion seeping into your warm, full body. Bucky’s got his arm around you, gently playing with the hair that curls by your neck. He’s telling a story, something about how he had found an adorable kitten at work who had clung to his shoulder all day.  His voice runs over you like honey tea, so warm and comforting. You have his other hand in your own hands, tracing the scars that lace over his knuckles and across his palm. Everyone your fingers cover, you follow with kisses.

“I love you.” You yawn in the middle, but he just leans over to kiss your forehead, simultaneously pulling over the blanket from the edge of the couch towards you. It’s your favorite blanket, and it definitely wasn’t on the couch this morning. God he’s so sweet.

“I love you too (name).” He gives you another forehead kiss and begins to play with your hair, which you almost purr at. This is it, this is peak comfort. You grip his shirt tightly, slightly worried this is just some fever dream you’re having at being so tired. “Tell me about your day. Don’t leave out a single detail!”

“Mm, well it started with a burnt pancake…”

[written-in-flowers]

Vanilla Bean

Summary: You loved Jin-Vanilla and you’d have him no other way. 

Pairing: Jin x Reader

Genre: fluffy smut, vanilla!sex

Words: 1k

Disclaimer: These works are completely fictitious and for entertainment purposes only. They are not meant to reflect or label the members of BTS in any way. The events within never took place. Thank you.

Please do not repost/translate/use my story without permission. 

****

Jin is vanilla. There is no argument there. All his fans depict him as this bondage sex god, but in truth, he isn’t. You never said this out loud because 1.) it’s nobody’s business and 2.) saying vanilla these days is synonymous with “bad at sex”. He’s not. Jin is not bad in the slightest. Bad-at-sex-vanilla is the bland, cheap ice cream they sell at convience stores. The kind you need syrup or toppings for any sort of flavor. Jin-vanilla is different. It’s the creamy, smooth, tasteful, delicious vanilla bean ice cream perfect for summer days. In most ‘fics’, the main character takes an issue with this. Jin isn’t ‘spicy’ enough for her, so she’ll timidly approach him about it, and he always-yes, always-suddenly becomes the sex god they think he is. You know fanfiction is not meant to label him or represent his actual person, but it bothered you. People who said Jin most likely isn’t kinky made it sound awful. Like he’s boring. He’s not boring to you at all. You don’t like that anyways. You’re not crazy about being tied up or spanked. You’re happy with Jin as he is. He’s soft and passionate. He makes sure you’re okay and is considerate. If he pins you down, it’s with a light grasp of his hands. He gently nibbles on your skin so there’s faint bite marks; not the harsh ones people write in their stories. He’s careful and sweet. You like that about him. 

You love how he holds you until your bodies mold together. His kisses bring warmth to your cheeks and his hands never leave your body. Full lips caress every patch of skin they touch and his tongue occasionally glosses over them. You’d tremble at the fingers grazing your body, going to the places they know get you going. You loved his tongue the most. One thing they got right was his ability to make you squeal and squirm at the touch of his tongue. He’ll build and build in other places before finally going down and tasting you. He made sure you felt the exact placement of his tongue; he’d trace and run over each fold until you’re shuddering. He sucks tenderly, even giving soft moans that vibrate on you. When he brings his fingers into the mix, you’re a goner. He always makes sure you finish once before moving onwards. It’s not in an overstimulation scenario. He wants you properly prepared and ready for him. Your arousal and orgasm mean something to him; it’s not an obstacle he needs to get past for “the good stuff”. 

He never objects to you going down on him either. His pleasure means as much to you too. You enjoyed the slow rising in him. He keeps his eyes on you at all times, lips parted in his panting and stomach rising and falling in his breaths. He runs his hand through your hair. He encourages and lets you know if he likes it. You go farther down on your own, not needing Jin to force you or fuck your face. He let you go your own pace. You love Jin and you’d show that in every way you can. You don’t focus on only his dick either. Your hands run over the muscles he hides so well; you kiss at his small waist up to his broad chest. He kisses you even if he’s been in your mouth, not caring about taste. Your kisses alone arouse him. Once he’s finally inside you, you’re in a different galaxy. You see nothing but stars while he moves in and out of you. He’s not so big it hurts, though you definitely feel him. Oh you do. He stretches and fills you perfectly. If it hurts, you let him know and he stops. Your bodies pressed together, he keeps his eyes locked on yours. He never says ‘I love you’, but his eyes do. After a few more positions, you’re both shaking and rutting on each other as you climax. Together. Always together. Jin holds his back specifically for this special moment. He loves cumming with you, he says. For that brief time on the bed, you’re both locked in a special place. A place that’s warm and soft; where it’s only you and him. 

“Does it ever bother you?” he asked one night. You laid naked together under the sheets. You’d finished washing one another and finally settled into bed, though kept your clothes off. The question caught you off guard as you’d started drifting off to sleep. “That I’m not, you know, into crazy stuff?”

“Crazy stuff?”

“Yeah, that bondage stuff people are always going on about these days. Namjoon told me him and Jimin do that all the time. I see people talk about it and say how great it is...Does it bother you that I’m not like that?” Before you even answered, he continued, “We did try it that one time. You remember during our trip in Hawaii? I got those special ropes or whatever and that paddle? You told me you didn’t like it, so we didn’t do it again, but I tried. I don’t like hurting you; I feel bad calling you dirty names. I know other people like that and it’s okay if they do. I’m not saying it’s bad to like that, but it’s not for me. Okay, edging is nice, though I still don’t like all that other stuff-”

“-It doesn’t bother me. No, Jin, really it doesn’t.” You turned his face to meet yours. He’s so handsome. He’s scientifically proven handsome. You took in his round eyes and plush lips; his cute nose and cheeks. He’s too sweet. “I don’t care about that either. I like what we do and there’s nothing wrong with that.” You ran your hand over his chest. He’s so warm right now. You couldn’t help but not kiss him. “You’re not bothered by me not being that way, are you?”

“No, no, not at all.” He cupped your cheek, kissing your lips lightly. “I just don’t want you to get bored with me. I don’t mind spicing things up with toys or whatever, but...that bondage stuff kind of turns me off. I feel like a lot of people would be disappointed to hear that if I ever said it.”

“But that doesn’t matter because they’ll never sleep with you anyways.” You kissed him again, taking in his taste a moment. “Only I can and I think you’re incredible.” You pecked his lips, “Sensational,” kiss, “Outstanding,” kiss, “Absolutely phenomenal and if anyone has an issue with it they can kiss my ass.” 

You both laughed and settled back into the bed. He held your hand in his, briefly kissing your knuckles while keeping you close to his side. You drown yourself in him. You rub your cheek on his chest and snuggle to him. The skin-on-skin contact calms you; as if knowing he’s there makes everything better. “I love you, Jin,” you said, “With or without paddles and ropes.” 

“I love you too,” he whispered, kissing the top of your head. 

Jin is vanilla and you’d have him no other flavor.

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Let Them Eat Cake (Ethan x f!MC)

Summary: Ethan and Naomi have their own private cake tasting

Rating: T/M. Kind of suggestive, but not fully explicit. I really did try to stop myself from going full on NSFW

Word Count: ~3,000 

Tag List: I’ll just use the tag list from my last fic. Let me know if you want to be tagged in the future. @canknot @x-kyne-x @paulfwesley @ramseyandrys @choicesobsessedd @a-i-n-a-a-s-h @sparklinglilac  @cream-ray @perriewinklenerdie @barricades-of-freedom @dr-brianna-casey-valentine

~~/~~

It’s almost midnight when Ethan Ramsey is forced out of his sleep by a sharp knock on his front door. Jenner wakes up as well, barking to get Ethan’s attention. He ignores it for a few seconds, rolling over in bed, but the knocking only gets louder, more insistent.

“What the hell?”

He throws the comforter back and gets out of bed. He wanders out of the room and down the hallway, Jenner hot on his heels, barking loudly. He’s ready to attack any potential intruder. Whoever was knocking on the door is fully banging on it now.

Ethan unlocks the front door and is greeted by four young women, one of whom happens to be his fiancé. The rest are her friends.

“Rookie? What are you doing here?”

His fiancé, Dr. Naomi Valentine smiles brightly upon seeing Ethan. “Ethan! You’re up!”

He can tell by her dilated pupils and extreme lack of balance that she’s drunk. “You’re drunk.” He turns to her friends, who are all staring at him, speechless. He looks down and sees that he’s not wearing anything, except a pair of cotton pajama bottoms. They did not expect Ethan to look like that underneath all of those boring button ups. “What’s going on? Is she okay?”

“Turns out, Naomi can’t handle her red wine very well,” Aurora says with a huff.

“Why are you bringing her back here?” Ethan asks. Not that he doesn’t mind having his fiancée at home with him, but it’s Jackie’s birthday, and they were supposed to be having a girls��� weekend. “I thought she was spending the night at her old place with you guys.”

“That was the plan, but she’s been asking for you for the past two hours,” Sienna says. 

“We got tired of her whining. And we aren’t babysitting her drunk ass,” Jackie adds. Kyra elbows her in the side. “Ow! What? It’s the truth.”

Aurora loosens her grip on Naomi and shoves her through the doorway. “There you are, Ethan. We’ve returned her to you, safe and in one piece.”

Ethan grabs Naomi by the waist and pulls her into his side. She instantly turns her body and cuddles him. “Thank you. Are you guys good to leave? Do you need me to call a cab?”

Sienna shakes her head. “I’m the designated driver tonight, so we’re good, but thank you for the offer.”

“Alright then. Enjoy the rest of your night, ladies.”

“Goodnight. And good luck.”

Ethan closes the front door and locks it. He feels Naomi release herself from his grip and when he turns around to see what she’s doing, she’s taking off her heels. When her feet finally touch the carpeted floor, she sighs. “I’m so happy to not have those shoes on anymore.”

He and Naomi have been together for almost two years, but he’s never seen her drunk. A little tipsy? Sure, but never drunk. This is uncharted territory for him. “How did you manage to get so drunk?”

“We went to a wine bar,” Naomi answers. She bends down to scratch Jenner behind the ears. “I told them I rarely drink wine because it hits me hard but Jackie insisted because she’s the birthday girl. Now I’m here.” She fully gave her attention to Jenner, pulling the dog into a hug. “Jenner, I missed you! Did you miss me?” He sniffs Naomi’s hand before nuzzling in closer to her. “Are you the best boy ever? I think you are!” Jenner barks. “Yes you are!”

Ethan smiles at the sight of Naomi interacting with their dog. Even when she’s drunk, the bond between her and Jenner is one that can’t be broken.

Naomi gets up and walks back over to Ethan. She wraps her arms around him, burying her face into his chest. “I missed you.”

“You saw me earlier today, sweetheart,” Ethan points out. He drops a kiss on her forehead.

“That was so long ago,” Naomi murmurs. “I just want to be with you forever.”

“You are going to be with me forever, Rookie. In case you forgot, we’re getting married in a few months.”

“You know what I’m saying,” Naomi slurs, annoyed that he wasn’t picking up what she was putting down. “I want to be with you 24/7.”

So Naomi is a clingy drunk, Ethan concludes.

“In a perfect world, that would be lovely. But we can’t because we have lives, we have jobs.”

“You’re rich,” Naomi deadpans. “You can quit working, and so can I.”

Ethan chuckles. “Money may be no object, but I work because I love medicine. I love helping people, as do you. We can’t quit.”

Naomi pouts. “You’re no fun.”

“That’s why I’m with you, you’re the fun one.”

Naomi pushes herself off of Ethan’s chest, giving herself some space. “I’m tired of being dressed.”

“Okay, why don’t you go change into your pajamas and get into bed,” Ethan suggests.

Naomi ignores Ethan and starts stripping out of her clothes right in the living room. She tugs her jeans down and tosses them over her shoulder, uninterested in wherever they landed. Next is the silver tank top and bra she’s been wearing all night. Ethan watches her in amusement. Even sober, Naomi had the tendency to strip as soon as she made it through the threshold of their condo, so of course tonight was no different.

Leaving her clothes discarded on the floor, she slips off to their bedroom in search of something to wear. After digging through their walk-in closet for a minute, she settles on one of Ethan’s old college sweatshirts, and no pants. Once she’s comfortable with the choice, Naomi heads back into the common area of their condo and sees Ethan has moved from the living room to the kitchen. She joins him, silently watching as he searched for something to make.

“Did you at least have a nice time with your friends today?” Ethan asks.

“I did. Jackie got hit on by a guy at the bar, but he was gross.”

“Why was he gross?”

“Because he had dirty fingernails, he reeked of cheap cologne, and he wore a fake gold pinky ring.”

“That doesn’t make someone gross,” Ethan argues, with a chuckle. “It just makes them tacky.”

“He was gross,” Naomi insists. She opens the refrigerator and zeroes in on a platter of cake. Yesterday, she and Ethan did their cake tasting, and settled on white cake with raspberry filling and buttercream frosting, but they were able to go home with tons of samples. She takes the platter out and removes the protective cling wrap. “I’m so glad the bakery let us go home with all this cake.”

“You’re going to eat that?”

“Yeah.” Naomi hops on top of the kitchen island. “And you’re going to eat some with me.”

“Oh, am I?”

“You are.”

“You’re so bossy.”

“You love it.”

“I love you,” Ethan corrects.

“Even better.” Ethan rummages through the drawer that contains all of their cutlery and grabs two forks. He passes one to Naomi who doesn’t take it. “I don’t need it.”

“How else are you going to eat?” Ethan watches as Naomi uses her fingers to break off a piece of cake and bite into it. “Naomi, take the fork.”

“Nope.”

“I’m going to be the grown up in this scenario and actually use my utensils.”

Naomi grabs another slice with her fingers—almond cake—holds it out for Ethan to grab. “Let me feed you a slice. It’s practice for our actual reception.”

Ethan sighs, but he relents. Arguing with her would be a moot point. He opens his mouth and accepts the bite that she’s holding out for him. “I’m glad we didn’t pick this one.”

“It’s so boring!”

“I was just going to say it was the weakest of all of the cakes we tasted, but sure, it was boring.”

“My turn.” Naomi holds out the platter for Ethan to pick a slice.

Ethan opts for the chocolate cake with salted caramel filling and breaks off a piece for Naomi to eat. He lifts it to her lips and she accepts, but before he can pull his hand away, she catches his wrist. Naomi captures his thumb between her lips and sucks on it greedily, licking off whatever remaining frosting was still on his finger. She lets go of his thumb with a resounding pop. “Delicious.”

In that moment, Ethan is sure he’s lost the ability to form coherent thoughts. 

“Fucking hell.” 

Naomi takes a fingers and swipes a generous amount of icing off of one of the slices of cake—she doesn’t bother checking this time, and she doesn’t care in the slightest—and traces a random pattern onto Ethan’s chest and stomach. This time, she makes a show out of it, locking eyes with Ethan as her tongue follows the trail she left. She’ll never get tired of this, exploring him at her leisure. She can feel just how tense he is, his entire body rigid with restraint. She giggles, mostly to herself and places a soft kiss next to his navel. “You’re so tense. You need to learn how to relax more, Doctor.”

Ethan grabs a fistful of Naomi’s hair and yanks her head back, forcing her to look at him. Naomi winces at the sensation, but her eyes darken and the small smirk on her lips tell Ethan all he needs to know. This woman was a fucking minx. “You’re going to be the absolute death of me, Rookie.”

His voice is hoarse and he all but growls at her, and Naomi knows she has him right where she wants him. “Then you shall die a happy man.”

Ethan takes his own slice of cake and puts some in Naomi’s mouth. Not giving her the chance to eat it, he bends down and kisses her fiercely, tasting the sweet dessert on her lips. He captures her full bottom lip between his teeth. Naomi’s hands fly to his hair, grabbing a handful. She tugs, and Ethan groans into her mouth. “Exquisite.”

“Me or the cake?” Naomi asks, teasing him.

“I didn’t even register what that cake tasted like,” Ethan says honestly. Was it strawberry? Maybe carrot cake? “You. It’s always you.”

He reaches out traces nonsensical patterns on Naomi’s bare thighs until his fingers find their way underneath the oversized shirt she’s wearing, settling on her ribcage. Goosebumps break out all over the skin and Naomi shivers involuntarily. 

Naomi’s eyes flutter shut at his touch. “You’re such a smooth operator.”

“Everything I’m saying is the truth. I love you.”

Naomi smiles brightly. She’ll always love hearing that. “I love you, too.” 

Ethan leans forward and kisses her again, slower this time. Every kiss makes him dizzy, like he’s drunk. His tongue glides against her lips until it finds purchase in her mouth, melding against her own. And he doesn’t want to stop, even though his lungs are burning and constricting, and he really should come up for air, but he doesn’t want to separate. He’s just as addicted to her as she is to him. His hand continues their journey north, settling on her breast. He calloused fingers pull at her erect nipple, pinching the tiny nub between his thumb and index finger. Naomi arches her back trying to get even closer to him.

Naomi’s nails rake down his naked chest, leaving scratch marks in their wake. She stops once she reached the waistband of his pajama pants. Ethan’s breath caught in his throat as her fingers dip beneath the waistband of his pants and boxers, lightly scratching his hip.

She breaks the kiss and moves to his neck and jaw, enjoying the feel of his stubble. Ethan drops his head into the crook of her neck, panting loudly. “I have a question for you, Doctor Ramsey.”

Her fingers slowly make their way to the front of his body and she slowly strokes his hard length in her palm, her thumb just barely grazing the tip. His hips buck forward and his grip on her body tightens. “Anything, Naomi. Ask me anything.”

Naomi stops stroking him, earning a desperate whimper from the usually put together attending. “When are you going to stop this game and take me to bed?” 

Before a moment could pass, Ethan easily lifts Naomi up by the backs of her thighs, making her yelp in surprise. She locks her ankles behind his back as he all but runs down the hall to their bedroom.

As soon as they’re in their room, Ethan fosses Naomi onto the center of the bed. She sighs in content at the soft mattress hitting her back.

Ethan tries to touch and kiss every inch of skin available to him. Her face, her neck, her thighs, everything. But he hears a sound that stops him dead in his tracks. Snoring.

“Rookie?” He looks up and sure enough, Naomi is out like a light. “Naomi? Naomi?”

She doesn’t respond, she only rolls over.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Ethan doesn’t know if he wants to laugh at the speed of which his fiancée fell asleep, or if he wants to pull his hair out in extreme frustration. 

He hooks his arms underneath her neck and the backs of her knees, lifting her up so he can actually get her into bed. He places her on her side, and pulls the comforter over her body. Ethan then shuffles into their en-suite, in search of where Naomi keeps her makeup. He finds her makeup wipes tucked in a corner and he grabs a few. Naomi is extremely diligent and rigid when it comes to her bedtime routine and she’d be upset if she woke up and realized she went to bed with a full face on. The least he can do is semi-help.

Walking back to their bed, Ethan takes one of the wipes and runs it across Naomi’s face. He does this a few times, until he’s confident he’s taken off most of her makeup. He also put her hair into a sloppy ponytail using a satin scrunchie—not a hair tie, as she’s told him many times, as those pull out her hair. Naomi can critique him in the morning, but for now he’s proud of how well he’s done.

Ethan crawls into bed next to her, and she instantly curls into him, her head resting on his chest. “Sweet dreams, Rookie.”

~~/~~

The next day, Naomi is pulled out of her sleep, by something wet touching her hand. She opens her eyes to see that it’s just Jenner, licking her. “Jenner, what are you doing?” He just barks in reply.

The second thing that hits her is just how fucking bright their bedroom is. The sunlight pierces through, making Naomi squint. The bright light is doing nothing for her headache.

“Good morning, Rookie!” Naomi looks up and sees Ethan standing in the doorway, arms crossed, a smirk on his lips.

“Why are you so loud?”

“I’m not loud. You’re just sensitive to noise.” Ethan enters the room and hands Naomi a bottle of water and three Advil tablets. 

“And light,” Naomi adds. “We’re investing in some good blackout curtains.”

Ethan sits down next to Naomi and gives her a proper kiss as a greeting. “The floor to ceiling windows and that view cost me a fortune.”

“I don’t care,” Naomi groans. “I want curtains. It shouldn’t be so bright this early in the morning.”

“It’s not morning. It’s 12:30.”

“What?” Naomi checks the alarm clock on her bedside table and sure enough, it’s afternoon. “I slept this late?”

“I couldn’t wake you up if I tried. You were like a log.”

Naomi opens her water, and chugs it. “Last thing I remember is drinking with the girls. How did I get here? I was supposed to spend the night at my old apartment and go to brunch with the gang today.”

“They dropped you off because you got drunk and they didn’t want to watch you. Then you proceeded to get naked in our living room–”

“That sounds pretty on-brand.”

“Then you tried to seduce me.”

“What?”

“You don’t remember eating cake off of me?”

“What, those wedding cake samples?”

Ethan nods. “Oh yeah. You wanted to eat the cake samples, and you wanted me to feed them to you, and it spiraled from there.”

Naomi vaguely remembers what he’s talking about. She gets flashes of them in the kitchen, making out like two restless teenagers. “You said tried, so I can assume my seduction failed? You were able to resist me?”

“Oh, absolutely not. I fully intended on ravishing you, but you passed out as soon as we made it to bed.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You were dead to the world as soon as your back hit the mattress. I managed to semi wipe your makeup off and tie up your hair. Sometime in the middle of the night, Jenner got in bed with us, and he stole you away from me.”

“This is why I don’t drink wine. It puts me to sleep.”

“It also makes you quite the temptress. Not that I mind at all.”

Naomi wraps her arms around Ethan’s midsection. “Well, thank you for taking care of me last night. I have the best fiancé in the world.”

“You don’t have to thank me, darling.”

“I do. I appreciate you.”

Naomi gets out of the bed, and stretches her arms and legs until she feels a satisfying ‘pop’ in her joints. “I’m going to take an extremely hot shower.”

“Okay. Are you hungry? Because I can make you a late breakfast.”

“No. Because you’re going to join me.”

“Oh, am I?”

Naomi lifts her shirt over her head and drops it to the floor. “That’s only if you think you can keep up with me.”

Ethan’s eyes darken at the challenge. “Rookie, you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into just now.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a promise.”

Naomi turns around and winks at him. “Well, come out your money where your mouth is, old man.”

Ethan jumps out of bed so fast, Naomi barely has time to register it before he’s hoisting her up in his arms. She laughs as he races off to the bathroom.

She and Ethan don’t leave their bedroom all day. They’ll have to make it up to Jackie by buying her a very expensive birthday gift.

[gainerstories]

Muffin Tops: Chapter 4 (Community Story)

Written by: thedk159

September was a week away and Diego was anxious to leave Hayden behind and return to university. His campus was in an adjacent town from where Hayden lived, and while it wasn’t too long of a drive the distance would surely be felt. They spent their last night together at Hayden’s place before Diego had to leave for class.

“Morning Babe!” Hayden told Diego as he brought him a big breakfast in bed. I figured this would be enough to hold you over on your drive to campus.

“Thanks” Diego smiled as he went up to kiss Hayden. “It’s going to be tough being away from you.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll try to make it up for it as much as I can... I’ll prepare lots of treats so you’re reminded of me all day long.”

Diego arrived to the campus apartments with his heart aching and his stomach already growling. “Apartment 426, not too bad,” Diego thought. It was on the top floor right on the corner, which had an amazing view of the campus. It was an added bonus that just down the street was the famous pizza place the college was known for. His roommate had to back out at the last minute so for the time being he had the whole place to himself, which was quite the privilege.

His first week of senior year was off to a positive start. Diego was loving his classes, but the constant supply of goodies from Hayden, replete with love notes, left him missing his boo. Upon entering his place one day, he noticed the bedroom door was closed. This was unusual so Diego cautiously entered the room, unsure what he would find. To his great pleasure, Hayden was sprawled on his bed, looking plumper than ever. The baker had dozed off on his side, causing his belly to pour out of his shirt in a pool of flab in front of him. Hayden’s eyes lazily opened and then dilated at the sight of a much curvier Diego standing in the doorway.

“Oh babe! I’ve missed you so much!” Diego said as he ran into Hayden’s arms.

Hayden planted a giant kiss on his lips and squeezed his boyfriend as tight as possible. They spent the rest of the night cuddling on the couch, inhaling a delicious dark chocolate cheesecake Hayden prepared and watching shows before heading into the bedroom. One week without sex had left the boys ravenously horny and they fucked like jackrabbits, leaving both of them exhausted from all the physical activity.

The next morning, Diego woke early so he could surprise Hayden with a home cooked breakfast of cinnamon french toast, eggs, and blackberry milkshakes. Following breakfast, Diego showed Hayden the campus and all his hang out spots. Hayden was interested, but more interested in the fact that Diego’s shorts from last summer were straining to contain his rounded out booty. Hayden was happy that his lover was eating his treats and wondered if they had kicked his appetite into overdrive. After an extensive tour both men were sweating profusely and Hayden noticed a sweat stain forming at the base of Diego’s back as well as his asscrack. Hayden slipped a finger down Diego’s wet ass and gave it a firm jiggle, then suggested they stop at the famous pizza place Diego had been raving about.

“This is the best pizza ever, I’m not lying to you.” Diego said to Hayden as they walked in.

“Well, what do you suggest I get then?” Hayden asked coyly, enjoying Diego’s enthusiasm.

“I’d definitely get the deep dish chicago style pizza. It’s so filling, you get what you pay for.”

Diego was always found himself surprised at how much Hayden could eat. But then again he was the bigger than the former life guard, so it made sense. The boys had ordered a large pizza and Hayden confidently downed half. Diego wasn’t quite as ambitious, and offered the remaining two slices of his half to Hayden, who clearly was still hungry. Hayden refused and suggested Diego polish them off later that night before bed. The boys arrived home and found themselves already hungry again.

“I thought you said that place was filling!” Hayden joked.

They decided to split the last two slices and pick up a couple tubs of ice cream from the corner store. Because of the heat, they spent the evening completely naked eating ice cream on the couch. Hayden was surprised to see just how much Diego had really gained. Diego now had a healthy inch of fatpad bulging above his crotch, and his belly extended a couple inches further than that. The whole night Diego kept scratching his underbelly and Hayden wondered if stretch marks were setting in. The two ended up having slow, sloppy, sweaty sex on the couch. Even though they were barely moving, beads of sweat were dripping from their brows. They fell asleep in the living room, surrounded by ice cream tubs and candy wrappers.

“It sucks you have to leave!” Diego said the next day as he was hugging Hayden.

“I know, but don't worry I’ll come to visit again soon. Plus, you’ll have plenty of goodies to come in the mail this week.”

Multiple times each week of September, Diego would receive a few boxes of goodies from Hayden. As always, each one better tasting then the last. Hayden would come to visit every other weekend and the boys would feast on pizza and other college delicacies. Hayden was growing tired of the cheap food, but there was nothing else available in the little college town. He also noticed that these weekends were taking a toll on his waistline. He was older and had a slower metabolism than his boyfriend, and all that pizza was causing his jeans to strain.

Diego was a different story. Even though he would always finish Hayden’s goodies lickety split, he didn’t really gain much weight. A lot of his classes were on the other side of campus and he all the walking kept him from completely ballooning, though he had put on a few pounds in the right places, namely his ass. All the walking meant he had time to text and catch up with Hayden almost daily. He’d often facetime Hayden as he was baking his next big creations.

Half way through October, Diego was receiving less goodies in the mail. He was so busy with classes he barely noticed. Hayden had noticed they were chatting on the phone less, but tried to accept that his lover was simply busy with school. By November, Diego was becoming extremely stressed with finals and getting everything in order. He was getting close to graduating and he knew he had to have a perfect record and take any opportunity that landed in his lap. He wished he had more time to talk with Hayden, but it wasn’t always feasible. A few times he had to cancel plans with Hayden to come up and visit because he needed to study, and this left both of them distraught and finding comfort in food.

Diego was eating at the school cafeteria all the time now because it was the only place that was close to all of his classes. He would always find himself starving as he returned home late at night, so he’d stop at the pizza place where they knew his order by heart: a medium deep dish pizza, breadsticks, wings, and a large Coke to go.

Sadly, Diego had to spend Thanksgiving at the college. His car broke down and there was no way he was going to be able to spend time with family considering all the coursework he had to complete. He was able to facetime everyone and talk to Hayden on the phone for hours, which provided some relief. He was surprised to see that Hayden had grown a beard since he saw him last. Had it really been that long? The college put on a Thanksgiving buffet for students who spent that weekend on campus, and, needless to say, Diego took full advantage. He piled heaping amounts of food onto his plate and kept going back for more. He wasn’t the only one either, it appeared all the students were eating their feelings over the holidays. Diego brought an inordinate amount of leftovers home, even sneaking a full plate of dinner rolls into his backpack. As he studied relentlessly he kept a constant stream of food to his mouth.

Naturally, all this extra eating had a dramatic effect on his waistline. He put on about 15 pounds since the start of the semester. This was a dramatic change for him, especially after a gluttonous summer. Up until this point, Diego had only put on twenty pounds since freshman year, and it was all muscle. Suddenly, he noticed a pot belly sticking out in front of him, bumping into books on his desk, and digging into his belt buckle.

Despite his newfound belly, the weight gathered most predominantly on his lower half. His favorite jeans were a thing of the past, as he wore joggers nearly every day now. Other people were beginning to notice too. One evening after class, Diego’s friend made a comment that he’d never seen Diego with a beer belly and that it was “late in the game” to put on the freshman fifteen. He even gave Diego a little pat on the gut, telling him he should cut back on the pizza and beer. Diego realized the fact he was becoming huskier, but didn’t have time to worry about his weight with finals and GPA to worry about.

Indeed, all that studying Diego did was worth it. He finished the semester with straight A’s and an extra 10 pounds straight to the gut. He celebrated at a kegger with friends, before packing up and heading back to see Hayden for the first time in a month and a half.

[trickkombowerskru]

The Bowers Gang’s Crushes  Hang Out  With Them After A Bad Lay

Request: Anonymous: Their crush is pissy because their last fuck was a disappointment in bed and they had to fake everything so here they are hanging out with them hoping to distract and themselves cheer themselves up with their favorite person. Bowers gang?

A/N: Sorry this took so damn long my dude

Warnings: Mentions of sex

Henry

Ugh

That's the only way you could describe what happened last night

Bobby was absolutely terrible in bed

He put all his needs before yours

Didn't last long

And you had to fake everything

EVERYTHING 

It was a pain in the ass to have to get yourself off after he fell asleep

But you didn't wanna think about the shitty lay anymore

You just wanted to get it off your mind 

And raise some hell

Luckily you knew the perfect person for that

Your unexpected friend Henry Bowers

You and Henry kinda has an unspoken friendship all the way back to Kindergarten

You kinda just looked out for each other 

Like an instinct

And over the years you became better friends

While he wasn't your best friend by any means you two were still really close

He notices something off about you but doesn't question it

You just tell him you wanna raise hell and he smiles

He knew exactly where to go

You two just fuck around all over Derry before stopping at the cheap yet absolutely delicious diner in the hill

"Okay so what's up your ass?"

"Nothing."

"Oh come on can we not that the thing were you say nothin' is wrong and then I gotta spend like 10 or 15 minutes pullin' it outta ya?" 

"Just a bad lay that's all."

"Oh is Reyes bad in the sack?"

"Awful. He finished so fast, gave no consideration to me and I had to fake everything. I mean EVERYTHING."

"Even?"

"Yup."

"Wait girls can do that?"

"Yeah. Why? Is that news to you?"

"Well shit now I need to know if any bitches faked it with me."

"They probably didn't. I don't know how you are, but anything is better than the sad excuse he gave me."

"How can you tell if it's faked?"

"YOU can't only we can."

"Well fuck."

"Yup. Anyway can we just not talk about it anymore? I don't wanna think about it."

"Okay."

You two eat before Henry smirks

"I bet I could make you cum."

"I don't doubt it after last night." you say not admitting to him, that you thought of him last night when you were getting off

"You're on Bowers."

And boy did he make up for Bobby's short coming and MORE

Patrick

"Hey Princess. Sorry Steven sucked in the sack."

"What? How? How did you know that?"

"I got instinct and you don't have the good sex glow."

You decided not to question how the hell Patrick knew that and just tell him

You came to him after all

"Oh well yeah Josh was terrible. And right now he's the last thing I wanna think about right now."

"Fair enough."

You two just get into all kinds of trouble

Even egging his house running away laughing before his mom can see you

"So I got a proposition for ya."

"What?"

"I bet I can make you cum  for real." he pipes up referencing the fact you faked it with Josh

Oh you didn't doubt he could for a second besides being really hit Patrick was FAR more experienced

"Okay I'll bite. And if you don't?"

"I'll give you $50."

"Upfront?"

"Upfront."

"Oh you're on Hocksttetter."

Yeah needless to say you were a goner

Patrick not only claimed you as his

But before he even really got in you were a goner already cumming once

Because DAMN the combo of that boys tongue and fingers were MAGIC

And he made you unravel quite a few times after that

Vic

You just needed some fun

After Peter's shit last night

You called up Vic

Figuring he could get your mind off of it

He took you down to the ice cream shop

Getting you each a scoop

You talk for a bit before you just burst out with what happened

"Hell I bet you could make me cum before he ever could."

He turns red and that's how you know he was interested

"Oh. Did you wanna actually try because-"

"O-Only if you want me to."

And oh you did

Your point was proven correct

Belch

Johnny was the WORST

Absolute worst

Thank god Reggie was available

He could take you for a long drive

And just get your mind off the whole thing

You gradually let out everything that happened

And you noticed him getting gradually more flustered

"W-Wait girls can fake that?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I just....I didn't know"

"Well we can. I mean ugh last night was just so bad. No consideration for me at all."

"Sorry bout' that. If it makes you feel any better I think a guy should always focus on his girl first."

You smile

"Course ya do because you're actually sweet and don't just care about "sticking it in" "

He blushes harder

One thing lead to another and before you knew it you were back at your place

Getting proven to just how much he put the girl's pleasure first

And boy were you under prepared for how much the answer was

[feixing02]

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((……so I was gonna do 250 of em because that’s how many emojis there are but I realized when i transfer from docs it doesn’t number everything. Also I’m tired of this sitting here. Soooo have like 175 lol

She’s got a handful of human teeth she kept that were gifts from crows.

Falls asleep on the RED base couch sometimes b/c she just wants to rest her eyes.

Never sleeps on the BLU base couch. Wilhelm is in the building.

Keeps a jar of sourdough starter.

The starter has been named Charles.

If all the flour gets used and she can’t feed it she will get antsy.

Doesn’t understand why people love their parents when the parents are shitty to them.

Says she doesn’t like coffee.

Doesn’t like coffee unless it’s mostly milk and sugar.

Secretly admires the Spies knife flippy skills.

Will do the ‘definitely not watching’ side eye if knives are being flippied in the vicinity.

Makes up hoverboard tricks on her spare time occasionally.

Does it in a closed room so her board doesn’t go flying away.

Makes lots of banging sounds against the wall as it slips from her feet.

Very good at peeling potatoes, cutting fruit, chopping veggies…

Was never taught to cook anything complicated.

Well versed in cooking basics, through.

Can draw faces pretty well.

Wants to take life drawing lessons.

Wants to see a musical on Broadway.

Is constantly uncomfortable if her hands feel dirty.

Keeps a lighter and cigarettes in her pockets.

Doesn’t smoke.

They’re for a certain disembodied head.

Or on the off chance someone asks for one.

Not very familiar with types of alcohol.

Doesn’t have much alcohol because she doesn’t like the sting.

Favourite fruit is apples, though she’s picky with them.

Red delicious is the favourite type of apple.

Do not give her a granny smith she will not eat it.

Really likes marbles as an aesthetic.

Owns a denim dress that goes down to her calves.

The dress is shaped kinda like a bag.

Fashionistas everywhere are horrified.

Really likes saltwater taffy.

Dislikes getting stuff stuck in her teeth.

Just suck on the taffy instead of biting it.

Bite ice cream and popsicles instead.

Has made kick the can ice cream on base.

If she gets a nosebleed while they’re not working she’ll just let it drip into a garbage can/sink until it stops.

Dislikes licorice.

Writes letters to James still when something troubles her.

Doesn’t send them.

Used to gross smoke smell.

Thinks glasses are cute.

Gives herself pretty janky haircuts.

Sometimes will remember stuff that makes her happy and just start giggling.

Doesn’t do it when around people much, since it looks a little crazy if you can’t see her thoughts.

Still gets uncomfortable watching people kiss in movies.

Or in real life, tbh.

Pain tolerance is pretty crap compared to the mercenaries.

Gets better as she spends more time in the gravel war.

Likes small spaces.

There’s a cupboard on BLU’s side that’s just big enough not to be uncomfortable she hangs out in.

It’s secret.

Will go there when she doesn’t want to be approached by anyone.

Mostly aimed at Wilhelm tbh.

The kind of person to take napkins from restaurants.

Lives in the middle of nowhere after the war.

Close enough to get groceries in a tiny town but no one knows her.

Continues to write letters to people on the teams.

Actually sends most of them now.

Lives with two cats.

Never finds out what happened to James.

((James dies from lung cancer and is in a p awful state because of his OCD.

Showers really late at night on base.

Takes her paintball gun and a towel to partially cover up.

Anybody try to sneak in and she will scream.

Tries to get Jean to stop chain smoking by offering candy.

Gets briefly addicted to the candy.

Goes traveling for a while after gravel war ends.

Knows a bit of Mandarin.

Doesn’t eat apples by just chomping down on one.

Will always chop them into slices first.

Dislikes oranges.

Makes loaves of bread to add to their supplies sometimes.

Makes cookies and different pastries often once she realizes she has tons of people to eat them now.

Don’t have to worry about making too much.

Likes the routine of baking.

Terrible at lying.

Bad about making breakfast.

Is too lazy to do much in the morning.

Would rather spend the energy on work.

Dislikes tea.

Unless it’s mostly sugar.

Wears a scarf and beanie when it’s cold.

Likes the comfort of really heavy blankets.

Will be really uncomfortable if blankets are too light as she’s trying to sleep.

Drinks a full glass of water as part of her morning routine.

Doesn’t know how to shuffle cards.

Doesn’t know how to play poker.

Developed a habit of keeping her back to the wall.

It’s pretty unconsciously enforced at this point.

Good at folding clothes.

Good at cleaning in general.

Dislikes cleaning in general.

Bad at improvising.

Gets anxious when forced to improvise.

Doesn’t know how to drive a car.

Wouldn’t be a good driver if she ever learned.

Didn’t see the stars until she was out in New Mexico.

Too much light pollution in the cities.

Spiders look cool to her but she’s still got some level of arachnophobia.

Likes how suits look on guys.

Has a habit of ordering lots of food and just slowly chipping away at it.

Would probably not eat enough if she weren’t doing exhausting work every day.

Likes honey on toast.

Cautious of all animals.

Loud chewing is especially gross to her.

If you stick gum anywhere other than the garbage she will silently judge you.

She’s had to clean too much of that for it not to give her flashbacks.

Shortest among the teams.

Reads those really cheap romance novels.

Prefers crunchy to soft food.

NO MAYONNAISE.

Favourite books are “Daddy Long-Legs” by Jean Webster and “The Adventures of Perrine (En Famille)” by Hector Malot Adapted by Edith Heal.

Goes out flying at night sometimes so that she can do it without the risk of being shot.

Keeps cassette tapes.

Knows how to make lao puo bing (sweetheart cake).

Has issues writing things that are interesting to read.

She can do formal and functional but expressing feelings is hard.

Rarely wears dresses, likes them but they’re not as convenient.

Thinks marriage could be nice but isn’t super hung up about it.

Makes lists to organize things she has to do.

Forgets stuff easily if they don’t have to do with other people.

Sings in the shower.

Is a bit of a crybaby but mostly in private.

She makes a point to run the fuck away or suppress that shit in front of peeps.

Modern AU (kid version)

Loves Hamilton.

Probably said to Dr. Humboldt at one point, “I have the honour to be your obedient servant.”

Likes her job as a receptionist.

Continues to take transit for like over an hour to work there even as her residence changes.

Her penny board is red with white trucks and blue wheels.

Pretty into battle tetris.

Isn’t great at it but plays a lot on the school computers when she can.

Favourite candy is Hi-Chew.

Never been to a sleepover.

Hasn’t ridden a bike.

But could probably figure it out in like ten minutes.

Buy her a frappuccino it’s her favourite.

Will sit outside clothing shops and sketch what’s in the display.

Knows how to make paper stars.

Wants to learn piano.

Has a lot of celebrity crushes on comedians.

Pretty clueless about current events.

Knows the public transit system super well.

Deity AU

Likes splashing around in water.

Especially with her wings out.

Will take opportunities to land on Diva’s head in pigeon form.

Sitting on people’s head as a birb is funny to her.

Mortals don’t understand what her birbs are saying unless she wants them to.

It just sounds like normal bird sounds.

Cue pigeon following her friends around and reciting the Bee movie.

Has a hoard of pretty marbles.

Shapes them when she’s bored.

Gives marbles as gifts sometimes, just as like a pretty thing.

Writes things and pins them up in her trees.

Sometimes poems she’s seen and likes.

Steals glass bits from mortals to hang up in her tree.

There’s some wind chimes up there too over the years.

She likes the sound.

Will sometimes talk to stray cats about her troubles that she’s too nervous to talk to Diva about.

Tells him about James this way.

Sometimes checks in on Ludwig secretly through gift eyes when she misses him but doesn’t want to approach for whatever reason.

Feels bad about it because it feels like spying.

Has a pile of gifts she made but hasn’t given yet.

Actually is pretty rich off of her job.

Even if she’s not paid much, Penna barely ever spends the drachmas on anything.

Wears backless sweaters in the modern age.

Gets a bit of a ‘hoard shiny things’ compulsion as time goes on.

Sometimes pretends to be an injured bird so humans will pick her up.

Meets James in 1840s.

Doesn’t tell him she’s a god.

Eventually kills him with Diva.

Touches her torc as a nervous reaction to be reassured that Divitiae was there for her.

[ectoflowermaid]

Homestuck Amusement Park Headcanons

Suggested by: @asnailinthighhighs

John: warily eyes the pastry booths bc he still has a deep mistrust for baked goods thanks to the Betty Crocker incident aka literally the apocalypse. Plays a (rigged) wack-a-mole game and gets frustrated when he keeps losing. Terezi makes fun of him so he whips out the hammer of zillyhoo and ah, crushes the game, so to speak. His prize is a giant bunny. He puts it back in the box.

Jade: sees one of those rodeo electronic bull things and goes oh that looks fun! Everyone is like uhhh Jade that can get pretty wild are u sure?? Karkat bets Jade that she won’t last 5 mins, oh really Karkat? 5 minutes? She sits on that bucking bronco for an entire hour making uncomfortable and spite fueled eye contact with Karkat the entire time. She only gets off because there’s a line.

Dave: wants to go on all the big rides and drags Karkat along despite Karkat complaining very loudly the entire time. Sorry Karkles, you scared of heights? You a scaredy Kat? A scaredy Karkat? Fuck you Dave, I’m fine! Dave drags him on the biggest rollercoaster in the entire park, they get off and Karkat says wow that was actually pretty fun! Dave’s hair is a mess, he looks inches from perma-death, that was horrible oh god. Not a word, Rose, he says. She and Kanaya are definitely not snickering behind their hands.

Rose: makes a goddamn beeline with Kanaya in tow to the haunted house ride because fuck yes she wants to see some creepy ass shit. If y'all have ever been in an amusement park haunted house, you know how vastly disappointed she was by the lame jump-scares and cheap monsters. Kanaya made it up to her by taking her to the Tunnel O’ Love™ and Rose was significantly cheered up.

Kanaya: isn’t a huge fan of non-blood food but v intrigued by all the fried stuff. Why Is It Fried? Does It Add Flavor? Not really, Rose tells her, it’s mostly just another way humanity likes to push itself closer and closer to its own imminent demise. Only now they’ve roped the trolls and carapacians into it. Oh, Kanaya says. She tries a fried Twinkie and sucks the filling out w her sick rainbow drinker/ vampire skills. Delicious. A single tear trails down Rose’s cheek. I have never been more in love w you.

Terezi: that scene with Toph and the scam artists in ATLA? Basically picture that. It’s one of those rubber duck games where they’re all floating in the pool and at the bottom of them is a different color and that’s how big a prize you get, thing is, Terezi can smell what’s on the bottom. She wins Vriska all the prizes and the dude running the booth is sweating and has to write her an IOU that John won’t let Terezi cash in on because that’s cheating and that’s wrong!

Jane: goes around with Jade and Roxy and Callie critiquing the food booths on their baking skills. She absolutely loathes that everything is fried bc it’s a cheap tactic to make weak bakers stronger! She tries a funnel cake and immediately changes her mind. CrockerCorp releases its own line of fried food that fall. Roxy calls her a sellout but eats it all anyways bc it’s just That Good.

Jake: finds one of those carnival shooter games and one of the big stuffed animal prizes is a gigantic rainbow dash my little pony and,,,he sees Dirk eyeing it. He doesn’t say anything, but Jake Knows. He tells Dirk he has to run off to the “little lads” room for a second, but he goes back to the shooting game, crushes the fuck out of those targets with the wimpy water gun, and presents Dirk with this oversized goddamn pony. It is touching and romantic for everyone involved.

Dirk: tries to show off to Jake by doing that strength test where u slam the hammer down and try to ring the bell at the top, he makes it about half the way up and he’s like fuck yeah that’s pretty fuckin’ good. Jake goes wow golly that’s impressive! Mind if I give it the old college try? Dirk is like pffft go for it, still flexin his muscles trynna show off and shit. Jake casually slams it down and rings the goddamn bell so hard it almost flies off the top. Dirk just stands there with his eyes v wide behind his shades while Jake is like gosh! Must have been buggered, huh?

Roxy: goes on every single ride she is living for today y'all, Callie is too short for most of the rides but Roxy promises to dab at the top of every coaster so Callie can spot her from where she’s watching down below. They share an ice cream sundae and Roxy gives Callie the cherry on top bc it’s “a cherry for a cherub!”

Sollux: idk about amusement parks near y'all but I live right by cedar point and there’s a coaster called Gemini so uhhh he and Aradia just do that. All day. Sollux rides this rollercoaster 53 times, turns to Aradia, says “what if bees had yaoi hands would that be fucked up or what” then passes out for a week.

[twistednuns]

June 2020

I visited Dennis and Margit who have the BEST couple name ever - Dengit, as in dang it! They have a really cool house with ALL the gadgets. We played Bananagrams (I won! It's a really cool game, I guess I gotta get it as well) and Krazy Words and had a great BBQ lunch. Then we played Beat Saber in the basement. I was so good at Fuck Her Gently and even sang along. Also, the electro swing version of I Wanna Be Like You from the Jungle Book is fantastic. I love the song and it has a great choreography as well. But woah, my muscles were so sore the next day. Playing Beat Saber definitely counts as sport.

The shrub outside my windows is in full bloom; it must be some kind of Deutzia. I'm looking forward to the white little blossoms every year, it's gorgeous. The lupins are in bloom as well. And I have beans and radishes, peas, sunflowers... very lush and overgrown out there.

Baby pink wrapping paper with golden iridescent glitter.

Rediscovering all my old tumblr pages.

Mildly bleaching a strand of hair. Channelling my inner Claire Saffitz.

Kirlian photography (something similar is used to take aura photographs). I involved Christian in this project as well who has a doctorate in astrophysics and is a photographer, too. Perhaps we can build a machine together!

Seeing my mum for the first time since Christmas. I brought presents, we had a nice dinner, looked through some old photos. The next day I visited one of my favourite places in my old neighbour hood - a resale project / flea market ( I got sooo much stuff for just €12; for example really interesting books, a picture frame, a veggie slicer, a vase and a magnetic peg board). It's so interesting to see how everything changes around that area. I love riding mum's e-bike and literally going down memory lane. Walking through our garden is always nice, too, because everything keeps changing so fast which is especially noticable when you only see it every few months. We also played Kubb with Steffi, Martin and Jan. I let Jan play with my iPad, he was just as fascinated by the Procreate brushes as I am.

In the evening I took the train to Freising and got pizza with Yanch and Sash. Then we played Soviet Kitchen and watched a Little Britain episode. I slept on the sofa and on Sunday we had a pretty delicious breakfast (with eggs, cottage cheese/avocado/tomato, smoked salmon) and virtually tried on glasses because Sash needs new ones.

Later that day I visited Lena and Obi. We finished watching Babylon Berlin and had delicious lemon tart (very sour with an incredibly buttery pie crust). In the evening we made zucchini-ricotta bake and I used some thin zucchini slices to create a woven pattern for the top layer.

Seeing a pheasant from the train window.

Yaya - I'll just call her massage artist from now on.

My first time at FUNtastic, a really good board game store. I had a chat with the shop assistant who recommended some games and I ended up buying three. Later I made potato mash, spinach, eggs and a corn cob for dinner at Frank's place and we tested the games. I made pretty good choices.

Smule! Singing duets with Manu. Making a little choreo for I'll Never Tell from the Buffy musical. Drawing something for the video instead of showing my face. It's a good way to come to terms with my perfectionism. I know I have an okay voice but my technique really sucks so the result is not always what I would like it to be. I gotta learn to accept that and just publish it anyway. I'm trying to have fun, right?

Dyeing my bathrobe black. It had a fantastic smell after the hot wash.

A little llama dance choreography - girl, look at that body / I-I-I-I work out

The tiniest snails.

Zucchini blossoms.

I finally own an agapanthus plant! Gorgeous.

A picnic in the northern part of the English Garden with Frank, Obi, Lena and Vanessa. Playing Kubb, putting our feet into the Eisbach, taking a little walk. Playing the llama card game.

Please Like Me might be one of my favourite TV series ever.

Sending a birthday present to my mum. Making collages for her and wrapping everything really nicely (apparently the mailwoman often comments on my beautiful letters and packages).

Board game night in Freising. Great dinner made by Sash (always delicious, of course). Pocky blind-tasting (again). Finding a beautiful photograph of Sash with a cat, a tomato and some wildflowers. Playing Nice Try, a super fun challenge game.

Driving to a perennial nursery with Margit. Walking through the flower pads for hours. Befriending the gardener, petting the big, stupid and super lovely cats walking around. Buying far too many plants. Pizza dinner in Wasserburg.

A super cheap, volumising styling cream from dm.

Recording the cup song with Manu and Mika. Watching Tenacious D videos together. Eating the Kaspressknödel I had prepared.

Eating ramen with Lena. Playing Burgle Bros. with Frank.

A day trip to Passau with Adrian. Playing card games in the shade at Ortsspitze. Eating at Grüner Baum (unfortunately the restaurant has a new owner so they didn't have my favourite dishes on the menu anymore) and spaghetti ice-cream for dessert. The weird American waitress. Revisiting some old spots I had forgotten about. I especially loved walking around at the art building. Looking at the students' work, being reminded of old stories. Taking a selfie in the same spot as 7 or 8 years ago. Getting blisters and sunburnt wasn't nice but hey, it was a lovely, sunny day.

[thisislizheather]

August Actions 2019

Words cannot express… the emotions going on inside me right now.

AUTUMN IS A FEW SHORT WEEKS AWAY. This is absolutely the start of the best time of the year because it’s basically autumn eve. That’s how I treat all of early September. Last year I went a little nuts in celebrating every single day of autumn and… I want to go even harder this year. I sort of winged it last year, but this year I’ve already started planning ways to celebrate the best time of the year. I have a problem. I know. But I’ve come to terms with that, so you should too. So let me tell you what went down last month so that we can fully move into the GREATEST, PUREST TIME OF YEAR.

I watched Why Do Fools Fall In Love on Netflix and jesus christ, the dog-being-thrown-out-the-window part? WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME. Will not watch again.

I love a good summer shark/alligator/dumb movie, so we obviously saw Crawl and it was very fun. The dog was the best part. (Are you seeing a pattern here? I’M NOT HARD TO PLEASE, HOLLYWOOD.)

I forced Maya to come to a sunflower farm with me and it was lovely. Why would a person with a bee allergy want to go to such a place? I’m not well.

I rewatched my favourite John Ritter movie Stay Tuned because it’s just something everyone should do once in awhile. Such a weird, perfect movie.

I attempted to read Samantha Irby’s book We Are Never Meeting In Real Life and I just couldn’t get into it, so I stopped. It’s weird ‘cause I really enjoyed Meaty, so I don’t know what happened here. Maybe ‘cause it’s summer and I think I hate reading in the summer? Haven’t picked up a book in months that I wanted to read.

I do not need to be the one who tells you how good hazelnut Kit Kats are, but I guess that’s what I’m doing at the moment - SO GOOD.

I watched part of the new 90210 reboot and ughhhh. It’s awful. In every way. Also, Luke Perry JUST died. They couldn’t have postponed or cancelled this trash?

I watched the first season of Tuca & Bertie and it’s so, so crazy good. Absolutely love it. Thank you to Harmeet for making me watch! I was so skeptical at first, but it’s incredible. So many similarities to Broad City in its goodness.

I went to the CNE with my Mom for the first time is yeeeears and it was so nice.

Above Photo: She did my braids, I can’t do nice braids on myself

Since Restaurant Week is always a big part of my life, I went to Park Avenue Summer for lunch earlier in the month and got the corn bread, corn gnocchi and corn creme brulee. YES, YOU’RE READING THAT RIGHT. Love a fucking cob. It was all very tasty, if not a little too corny (but that’s my fault, let’s be real). I also got the chicken and it was incredible. I’d love to be able to crisp a chicken skin as perfectly as they did.

Absolutely love this short piece about food and getting together with loved ones.

I got a Fanta Apple from the new section at Square One and holy shit, it was delicious.

I saw Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark with Layla and it was so good! I’ll have nightmares from this image.

And now you will too!

I made this hot honey salmon and if salmon weren’t such a disgusting fish, this would be a killer recipe. (And if you actually enjoy salmon, this really is great.)

I finally watched the rest of the new Black Mirror episodes and I stand by my thoughts that the Striking Vipers one was the best one of the season. Smithereens was okay and all, I’ll always love a Topher Grace. The main actor (Andrew Scott) did a great job, too. And the Miley Cyrus one was just okay? I don’t understand why that’s the common favourite of the season. It’s average, at best.

Favourite thing I’ve bought this summer: this jumpsuit with lace from Zara. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I love reading the (monthly?) Grub Street Diet columns from New York Magazine. They profile different (semi-known, sometimes-famous) people and what they eat in the span of a few days. I mostly love it for recommendations of good things to eat around New York, but also I love hearing about what people do for snacks and routine meals.

Someone buy me this Danny Meyer Chocolate Cream Pie. Please.

I watched all of On My Block on Netflix and it’s so, so good (thank you, Marla!). I’m an idiot for not watching it sooner. My favourite character is definitely Jamal, I love the florist with the gnomes, and the musical choices are phenomenal. Such a great show. If you haven’t seen it, I’d describe it as a modern day coming of age story set in South Central LA inspired by The Goonies. SO GOOD.

Did you know that eating tomatoes helps prevent colon cancer? Did not know. I’m forcing Nathan to eat them now, enough of this “I don’t like tomatoes” shit. Not standing for it anymore!

I went to two weddings this month, which were both beautiful. LOVE a wedding.

I tried the seasonal tomato gelato at Il Laboratorio Del Gelato and it was rough. I did taste the corn gelato and that one was actually pretty good, I should’ve gotten that one. This was my first time here and my main thought: it has a horrifying interior. Like if Patrick Bateman ran an ice cream shop.

Lately I’ve started shopping more at small businesses and less at chains. Partially because these places will disappear if I keep doing what I’m doing and I hate that idea. So no more writing/drinking at Starbucks. No more books from Amazon. No more crazy cheap dish soap at Dollar General. No more plants from Home Depot. Enough of this shit!

Nathan and I celebrated our ten year anniversary and went to Vermont (again, haha) and I did a full post on it, so take a look over here if you like. While we were away, we did rewatch the first It (still great), Sleeping With The Enemy (always a favourite of mine) and The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (which is even better than we remembered, SUCH a good movie). Also, if you enjoy Instagram stories of vacations as much as I do, I posted our whole Vermont one on my Instagram. 

This sounds like a broken record, but I did Nathan’s podcast again! We talked about our relationship and why we think it works, etc. etc. Very self-indulgent stuff here, guys.

So you know how I tried and loved that chocolate dessert hummus a few months ago? TRADER JOE’S IS RIPPING IT OFF & has made their own version. For two dollars. Now look, I know companies get ripped off all the time by bigger corporations who steal the idea and make their own… but fuck. This fucking sucks. I first heard and tried dessert hummus because of seeing it on Shark Tank (the company is Delighted By Hummus) and I want to say that they invented the idea, but I can’t say for sure. I hate this.

Some things that I’m looking forward to this month: I’m SO excited to see It: Chapter Two, possibly planning out details for a trip to Salem, finishing up the last of the summer things to do list, I’ve gotta find something new and good to read, there are so many photos that I love from visiting my family/friends this summer so I might do a photo post solely of my favourite ones, finalizing my AUTUMN THINGS TO DO list, and I’d really love to pack away all of my summer clothes at some point this month to make room for the gazillion sweaters I’m waiting to wear.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, go on over here!

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/17/19 1:47am SU 10/? - Olivia, aka Why I Quit Tinder

After I finally gave up on Rachel coming back to me I decided to launch right back into the swiping game. It’s the beginning of April still, so Rachel had only freshly started ghosting me for good. So I moved along pretty quick, I suppose.

I was still determined to quit melee, and playing more guitar, and speedrunning mega man, and watching a bunch of anime. But now I felt a little spoiled by Rachel. She was incredible, so if I was going to find a suitable girl to replace her from Tinder of all places, I wasn’t going to find her by putting out some homogeneous slosh of a profile and weeding through vanilla girls.

No, this time I figured I’d try to turn away as many as possible by creating the most nerdy avant-garde tinder profile I’d ever created and attract only the weirdos. I’m pretty sure I even put that I was a furry in there, because I definitely remember girls asking about it. I put that my interests were anime, video games, drinking, smoking, Pokemon, I don’t even remember. It was definitely a mess. and I didn’t get very many matches. Which is what I wanted, ofc.

But there is one person I DID match with. Olivia. Cute little asian girl, short, not really skinny but not overweight by any means (which is better off than most girls I’ve gone out with from Tinder), and had great taste in anime and nerdy shit. We talked about video games and shit, she was really into CoD at the time I think, and we were pretty quick to escalate things to sending nudes and sexting lmfao. I was out of town visiting Darlin for the week because I needed to recuperate from the Rachel fallout, and was pretty pumped to chill and play some Earth Defense Force (SNES), binge on mint chocolate chip ice cream and smoke cigarettes by the river out back. 

She was into video games so we were talking about childhood favorites and stuff, and made plans for her to come over for the weekend when I got back and spend a couple days together. She was bragging a lot about her ability to make edibles, and I told her she had a high bar to pass since I made some great ones myself, and the ones that Kailey used to make for us were even better. But she was confident. And also very excited to suck me off. 

SooooooOOoOOoOooOoo she convinced me to leave a day early from Darlin’s, take off in practically the middle of the night (I think I left about 11pm) and pick her up to meet up with her earlier so we’d have an extra day. 

She was staying at her friend’s place in a trailer park that night, and it was kind of on the way back home to Greensboro. So I swung by a bit out of the way, and we instantly started making out in the car. We decided we couldn’t wait to get home and decided to pull over into this field to the left of the trailer park so we could fuck real quick. It was cold and dewy and the grass was patchy, so I started trying to dig around for a towel and she said what the fuck do you need that for? So we had sex right then and there on the ground. Not ideal, but definitely fun lol. We got in the back seat to dry off, smoke a cigarette, and chit chat for a while now that we were finally talking face to face. She told me about how she was a squirter, and one thing led to another and we started fucking again in my back seat. SHE WAS NOT KIDDING THOUGH. When she said she was a squirter, I mean

-continued 8/23/19 1:57am-

I mean she SOAKED my backseat. Like the seats were drenched to capacity. Like there was practically a layer of fluid resting on top of the seats. It was almost unsettling, definitely made me raise an eyebrow lol. Like a lot of times squirting is pretty hot but when it’s that.. voluminous I’m pretty tentative as to the nature of fluids being excreted, to say the least.

Anyway, that’s all fine, it’s fine. Doesn’t matter had sex, right? It’s absolutely more amusing than disgusting in my opinion. 

We make it home to my place and had a cigarette on my porch and started talking about some shit on the stoop. We started talking about some fucked up shit like how she got abused and how she had a new baby. And I was like woah what the fuck why didn’t you mention you had a kid, and she tells me that her family’s helping take care of her but she doesn’t know what to do with it because the dad left because they were addicted to meth when they conceived and I was like WHAT. and she was like yeah and I can’t give this one away to my aunt and uncle like the last one. and I was like WHATT.

So then I had a moment of like “Tyler what have you gotten yourself into this time? Is this really where we’re at now? We’re in for a couple days of this yknow.”  and then I thought “well thank god I’ve already got my vasectomy LOL.”

We also talked about a bunch of less serious stuff like pokemon and the castlevania anime and she showed me some of that before we passed out. Must’ve been like 4 in the morning at least. 

The next day we woke up hellllllla late and were on a quest to test out how great her edibles actually were. We fucked that morning (well really late afternoon), went off to my buddy’s place to pick up an eighth, hung out there for a bit, then went to the grocery store to get spaghetti and meatball and cookie stuff. The closest grocery store is like 12 minutes away from my house for some damn reason. I swear everything in Greensboro was always a 15 minute drive away.  We got back to my place, got some weed simmering in butter, started making meatballs and stuff, and we realized we didn’t actually get the cookie dough to make the edibles with. We were like ahhhh whatever we’ll cross that bridge later. Left the weed on the pot, had some delicious spaghetti and meatballs, watched one of her favorite anime movies while we ate in the living room. God the meatballs she made were actually sick, I remember I ate like 5 plates of spaghetti. She only had like 1, drank like 12 beers, and I had like 6.  So we decided to go out to boxcar for a while and play some games. It’s pretty late like 12 or 1? I walk in, uncomfortably full of spaghetti, and ask her what she wants to play. She says Dance Dance Revolution. I’m like oh shit let’s fucking go then. We played through a song and a half (i’m on standard she’s on light), at which point she FALLS ONTO THE FUCKING FLOOR. I’m like holy shit are you okay and jump down to check on her, and she’s just like “yeah, i’m fine. Let’s get another drink.” I’m like holy shit lol what but really i’m like “haha okay.” So on the way over to the bar she asks me what are you drinking? and I say “oh I don’t know, some cheap beer or something.” We sit down at the bar and she’s like “two glasses of scotch, please.” and I’m like fuhuuuuuuuck me hahahaha. Really fucking courteous of her, but I’m literally stuffed to the brim with spaghetti and meatballs and beer, and now it’s all jostled up from playing DDR, but whatever. We cheers, she gulps her down and I gulp down... half of mine before it starts feeling like it’s going to come back up. I try to save it like I pull it up to my nose and swirl it around like “ahhh yes, quite, indeed. That’s some good stuff.” and she just says “uhh.. aren’t you gonna finish it?” and in my head I’m like god damn man yeah just give me a fucking second lmao. But really I’m like “yeah of course.” Gulp down the second half of the glass, and it does NOT sit. I start puking, spew puke into the glass til it’s almost full to the brim, then manage to regain my constitution to stop and sprint off to the bathroom, puking frothed spaghetti sauce all over some poor toilet. 

I get out of the bathroom, we play another game or two, and it’s time to go. Like it’s 2 at this point, the bar’s about closed. We get to my car and she realizes she forgot her purse, so I say don’t worry I’ll go get it. Meet the bartender, who has pure hatred in her eyes and starts to hand over the purse, but before she will she says to me “the next time you puke in a fucking glass, you throw that shit away yourself. Got it?” and I’m like OHHH FUCK I FORGOT I LEFT IT ON THE BAR WHEN I RAN TO THE BATHROOM SHIT. But I just tell her I’m really sorry and get the fuck out of there. Laid low and didn’t go back for a couple of weeks after that one hahahaha.

Anyway, we get home, I’ve had like negative drinks now since going to the bar, and we still have that weed simmering and need to get the cookie dough. So we drive the 15 minutes out to the 24hr grocery store, get some cookie dough, come back, and it’s nowhere to be found. I was like “what? I handed it to you before we left, where did it go?” and she said “no you definitely had it.” and I was like whaaaaaat the fuckkkk. I say “whatever, this is at least as much my fault as it is yours, it’s no big deal,” and we drive BACK to the grocery store. I’m checking the self checkout area to see where we might have set it down, when a security guard who watched us leave asked if anything was the matter. I say yeah, I’m just trying to find the cookie dough we bought, and he says “oh she walked out with it.”  🤦 So I scan around the parking lot, maybe it fell off the car or something? Finally give up and tell her I can’t find it, start checking inside my car and we find it underneath her seat lol. 

So whatever, we finally have all our ingredients for edibles and the butter is ready as fuck and we’re ready to go. So she’s like here take the ingredients and mix them together. And in my head I’m like alright fine if you’re making these cookies I might as well contribute a little bit. So I mix them up, and she’s just having me do step by step, until she’s finally like “okay now make them into cookies and put them onto the tray and cook them for like 15 minutes” and I’m like “wait what part of these fucking cookies are You making?” So I convince her to do the actual baking part, so I can finally relax and have a beer, my stomach is still feeling kind of uncomfortably full, and I’ve been driving around for an hour and I’m kinda over it by this point.

The cookies are finished at 4:20 in the morning. Hilariously perfect. She pulls them out, and they’re slightly burnt. Ugh. At least they’re not so burnt that they’re not inedible, just a little stiff. I start munching on one. It tastes very weedy. Like the chocolate chips are the only part that don’t just taste like weed. and it’s not soft at all, it’s like a cracker. So I’m chomping through it, kinda cracking my way through it really, when she says to me “so? how is it??” She looks pretty excited. I say “ah, they’re pretty good! Aren’t you gonna have one?”

She says “no, I don’t smoke.” 

🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦 

[in my head] I’m like what in the hell did we do all of this for then? We didn’t need to do ANY of that. Jesus. whatever.

Then she says to me “hey do you want to rail some xanax?” and I’m like “what? It’s 4:30 in the morning. If I rail some xanax now I’m just going to pass out.” She says “that doesn’t make any sense, xanax is a party time drug, not a sleepy time drug.” So I was like “alright fine then lol.” She spilled some beer on some of it and we had to set it out to dry, but we got two lines laid out and railed them. We laid down in bed and she was asleep no shit 5 minutes later. 

The next day we mostly hung around and fucked til she had to leave, she had some job interview I think. We did some kinky handcuff shit since I had my toys back from Mary’s at this point. And she is the one girl who’s asked me to switch to anal out of nowhere. I obliged, but it’s not really my thing now that I can cum in any orifice without worrying about it. Still, pretty neat lol, she’s definitely unique for that. 

As soon as she walked out of the door, Ash was like “good. Wash your sheets, your room smells like piss.” Did I mention? Every time we fucked she would squirt like she did in the car and it kind of amounted to me having a soaked bed. Absolutely filthy :3 hahaha

She wanted to hang out more, but I had to  broke things off as gently as I could. She had to come by to pick up some stuff she forgot, gave me a little pikachu figurine that I’ve got on my dresser now, and I was just like yeah we’re not really gonna do this again. 

All in all I thought she was a really nice person, and we had a lot of fun shit in common. But being confronted with that level of degeneracy was incredibly unnerving. I was like “man is this what I look like to people? Probably. Wow. Huh.” 

I decided I was over it for a bit. I was gonna focus on speedrunning and karaoke and guitar and chilling, and determined that if girls happened to land in my lap at karaoke that’d be just fine, but that I was totally over seeking them out. It was just too much, I needed to straighten myself out a little bit more or something. Or at least just give up on Tinder because it was not a good look for me anymore. I’ve redownloaded it a few times for various reasons, but not for very long and have never met up with anyone online since. RIP

[stujessica]

#RIPNYC

i just finished reading “vanishing new york” by jeremiah moss (and i thoroughly enjoyed it, and it made me angry, lol). i’ve probably bumped into the blog the book stems from a bunch of times, and didn’t realize it.

if you’re unaware for some odd reason, i’m from queens, NYC...  and i’m fucking cranky about the current state of this city.  i’ve seen it though the 80′s, 90′s, and clearly the 00′s.  my mother is a native new yorker as well.  she was born in manhattan, and raised in queens (4 blocks away from my current residence, actually).  i’ve heard countless stories from my mother over the years (obviously), and feel like i was right there with her too.  there was just a different vibe in this city before the 00′s that is hard to describe.  it’s just not there anymore... and i don’t say that from nostalgia.  i really mean it.

it’s a book of facts, quotes, and tidbits of jeremiah’s NYC experience circa the early 90′s.  overall, i agree with so much of the book.  i didn’t think i could get anymore jaded as a native new yorker, but here i am.  hating every corrupt politician, real estate developer, even more so - the idiot currently residing in the white house, and robert moses.  it’s a more enlightened level of loathing, i guess you can say.

the only thing that i disagree on, and perhaps it’s my age (probably not), i don’t like the complaining about ALL chain stores.  now, maybe i’m biased because i hail from the outer borough “midurbs” as i like to call them (northeast queens, on the border of nassau county - kind of suburban, not quite rural, but in the middle), but some chain stores i do appreciate.

as an independent teenager in the 90′s, i started going to the city on my own in 1996.  aside from frequent family and school outings, these were my coming of age years.  i spent most of them in the east and west villages, and in soho.  i can relate with so much of the village being gone from the book.  my poor st. mark’s being gone.  it breaks my heart.  so many of my favorite manhattan bars, restaurants, venues, shops, stores are all gone.

as i’ve grown older, i started hanging out in williamsburg when i lived in ridgewood in the early 20teens, but only bc of convenience... it was on the way home, in between my bff’s house and my apartment, and i had friends that worked on bedford.  in fact, we only really ever went on weeknights to avoid the shit auras of the transplants.

i hate * billyburg*.

i hate weirdo fake hipsters, i hate try-hard transplants, i hate paying $8 for a friggin’ latte, i hate the beards and the waxed moustaches, i hate every store that is trying so damn hard to outdo one another...  the crowds suck, the music sucks, i hate PBRs and the stupid IPA fancy beers, and it’s like every other storefront is the same to me. vegan this, vegan that. ice cream with waffles and hot sauce, i dunno wtf any of it is, i don’t care.  when dunkin donuts opened on bedford, i was HYPED.  i was super hyped because i’m from queens, where dunkins THRIVE, and have for DECADES.  my parents used to have dinner in dunkin together in the 70′s on metropolitan aka “east williamsburg” (gag).

that dunkin was sticking it to those pretentious transplanted twats, and i THOROUGHLY enjoyed every turkey, bacon, american cheese on an english muffin with hashbrowns on the side, when i was drunk from the cheap bars that no longer exist anymore. (RIP cyn lounge, RIP 4th down, RIP grand victory, RIP trash bar, RIP berry park - which is still open but BLOWS now...)

i can’t say i’m happy for anyone displaced in williamsburg before this wave of hoity toity, yuppie, hipster shitheads, but you best believe i love every time a damn starbucks opens anywhere in brooklyn.

where was i?  oh right, chains that i don’t mind...

a) sorry jeremiah, starbucks coffee DOES NOT just suck...  at least not all of it, or you’re not drinking the right things (i’d love to grab one with you and stew in our hatred together, not trying to knock you) b) i need more starbucks out there in midurban queens c) i support both starbucks AND dunkin equally.  sbucks for coffee, dunkin for food.  around my way, there isn’t a place to get cheap coffee but this SHITTY bagel spot (the only one around here in rego park) that i don’t fuck with.

otherwise, back to the midurbs:

where i’m from in queens, the only mom and pop shops (aka not really bc we really just had a bunch of local chains) that ever closed were supermarkets and odds/ends stores. scuttoro’s, A&P, waldbaums, dans, woolworth’s, that kind of stuff all closed because of places like caldor, walmart and target.  it’s a vicious cycle, but if certain stores don’t have certain things, people go elsewhere.  the location convenience was never really a problem where i’m from until the mid 00′s.  then they started replacing local supermarkets with banks and drugstores.  additionally, caldor, walmart and target are NOT in walking distance anymore for elderly people, people that don’t or can’t drive anymore.  that’s where we’re hit the hardest on a local level.

i go out of my way to not shop for certain things in certain places.  food shopping is done at supermarkets, NOT target or walmart.  unless it’s a particular item i can’t find, i do not food shop there.  if i can buy something in a store vs. online, i do it.  i still go to malls.  i still shopped at barnes & noble until they took the queens locations away from me.  i buy all clothing IN STORES, aside from band tees.

there are little things you can do to help out where you can.  don’t let websites like amazon rule your world.  fuck those idiots trying to pull of that bodega displacing vendor bullshit.  do not buy an alexa... i swear i probably sound like i’m sitting here wearing a tinfoil hat, but i don’t use google for ANYTHING but searching.

all of these greedy companies are just sucking the life out of everyone and everything.

getting back on track here, my point was, i don’t think starbucks is evil.  i think it’s delicious.

overpriced, but delicious.

whenever i stroll around looking for lattes or cold brews from places other than starbucks and i’m not in the city (in manhattan), they’re hit or miss. #HARDPASS i’m a new yorker, i need the coffee that i want and need, not a hit or miss coffee.

i think if you balance out buying things from both small stores and big stores, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty.  just do your best to help where you still can.  there’s very little percentage of the city that still exists in that small capacity of actual communities.  also: please stay out of them.  you’d be doing a great thing staying THE FUCK OUT of places like east new york, jamaica, etc.

domestic transplants, please go home and make your own city better...  this city is overflowing.

i would love to know how i could help further, bc my big mouth would love to complain about my city... feel free to reach out with further info.

[mellicose]

31 Days Challenge, Uglywettie Style

Day #6

Theme: DI Peter Carlisle/Food

Word Count: 1500

Summary: After his girlfriend has a long, terrible week, Peter prepares a special treat to lift her spirits.

The phone didn’t ring in his ear.

“Peter.” Her voice evinced a now familiar irritation.

“Sweetheart, you’re still at work, I presume?” It had been a miserably long week for her. And for him, because he missed her.

“Yes. Cara decided she was going to leave early for a fucking bonfire, so I had to stay late to take care of her clients. Again. Obviously, Ryan was okay with it. Don’t even ask.” She groaned softly.

He pouted and looked down at himself. “I’m so sorry, honey. I don’t know why he even tries to kiss up to her. Ryan’s as asshole who couldn’t get pussy even if he bought it,” he said. She chuckled.

“He’s gross, but it’s his dad’s firm, so…” she blew a raspberry. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I just miss you. I have a special treat for you when you get home,” he said it in sing song.

“Ooh! Is it that Third Doctor box set I’ve had my eye on?”

He bit his lip.

“Umm...maybe. Or maybe not,” he said. “You’ll have to wait till you come home. When do you think that’ll be?”

“Tax season’s a killer, but gladly Ryan’s dad isn’t shitty so I’ll be here until 9. Pretty early by any standard.”

“Alright then. You don’t have to bring anything home - dinner’s covered,” he said.

“Thank goodness. I swear I don’t even have the energy to stop at a drive through,” she said.

“Give Ryan a dirty look for me,” he said. “I love you, honey.”

“Love you,” she said, and hung up.

He put the phone down carefully on the night stand and looked down at himself. She’d be home at 9:30 earliest, and that was over two hours away. He’d have to bathe and start over.

He picked up a towel, cleaned as best he could, then walked slowly to the bathroom to shower.

She trudged up the stairs. She’d worked 15 hour days for the last five days. Since she had looked forward to leaving early that day, having to stay an additional four hours had doubly exhausted her. She leaned on her apartment door before opening it. It was cool on her forehead.

She was hungry and tired and pissed.

“Peter!” she said as she opened the door. She hoped he would have the table set for two, but the kitchen was dark. She sighed. “Honey?”

“I’m in the bedroom!” he said. There was a cadence to his voice that made her eyebrow raise. She dropped her purse, took off her coat and kicked off her heels as she walked to meet him. She wanted a long, hot bath and a glass of-

He was on her bed, nude and covered with artfully placed sundae fixings.

“Oh my God,” she said, and put her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.

He put his arms behind his head and spread wide for her. Whipped cream covered his nipples, and he topped each with a maraschino cherry. There were swirls of cream on his flat belly, and between his legs, a slippery, delicious mess of cream, crushed peanuts, pineapple, and fudge.

He was getting hard in her gaze, and his cock rose slowly from the nest of sweetness.

“Is this my treat?” she said. He lay on a nest of clean towels to protect her sheets.

“Remember that conversation we had a couple nights back, and how you said you missed the ice cream in America…”

She took off her clothes slowly, still giggling at his ridiculous display.

“I do. They’re too fancy here. I want a mess of cheap ice cream topped with hot fudge, artificial strawberry syrup, canned fruits, and nuts,” she said as she threw her blouse aside and kicked off her skirt and panties. “Screw gelato.” She took off her bra and crawled on the bed.

“Here I am, baby,” he said. “Don’t tell me I don’t listen to your hopes and dreams.”

She sat between his legs and looked at him. “You look delicious, but I don’t know where to dig in.”

“Anywhere you want,” he said, thrusting his hips at her.

She straddled him but stayed high, so as not to get cream on her body. “You know, I can’t get any of this sweetness on my…” she pointed at her pussy, then squeezed his cock. The cream and chocolate made it slippery, and she jerked it slowly. She liked the sound it made, and she kept going as she bent down to lick his nipples clean. He caressed down her body, and stroked her clit as she swirled her tongue on first one nipple, then the other. Her breasts grazed his belly, and they were soon slick with cream. She chewed the cherries quickly then tied one stem into a knot with her tongue.

She showed it to him.

“That’s my girl,” he said, and pulled her in for a kiss. She pulled away, and rubbed the chocolaty cream on his face. He gave her a surprised look, then kissed her again, making sure to smear it all over her face and neck. It felt...good.

Dirty. Slippery.

She moved down his body, sliding her breasts on his sticky slick skin, then settled between his legs again. She had jerked most of the sweet off his cock, but it was plentiful on his lower belly, balls, and thighs.

She was horny, but seeing that, she remembered she was actually really hungry. She licked the pineapple off and chewed it quickly, then the nuts. She stroked his cock as she licked his thighs clean, sucking cream loudly as she got to his balls, where the yummiest bits had settled.

His thighs trembled as she cleaned him off. “Jesus, you’re thorough.”

“Mmmm,” she said as she licked the base of his cock clean, then pressed her breasts together around it. She rubbed up and down his shaft, licking the glossy rose tip clean, until he began to thrust his hips, eager for her tongue. He sat up to watch her.

She looked messy and delicious with the top of her body smeared with chocolate and cream and nuts, and he pulled her up to kiss her.

“I wanna ride,” she said, pulling a towel from underneath him and wiping him. There was still so much chocolate making his pubic hair sticky. She rolled out of bed and ran to the bathroom to wet the towel, but he ran behind her and turned on the shower and pulled them both inside.

They giggled as they caressed the sweetness from each other in the hot shower. She soaped between his legs, slowly, thoroughly, making sure to stroke off any last remaining chocolate.

“Ready for the banana split?” he growled in her ear, and pressed her chest against the tile as he slid into her. They both moaned at the same time, and she got up on tiptoes as he worked his cock slowly in and out, teasing.

“Faster, Peter,” she said, rubbing her ass against him and pulling him to her.  He moved his hips in artful figure eights, but his pace was frustrating to her. She reached back and pulled his hair, guiding his face to hers.

“Harder,” she said, suddenly. “I want to forget.”

He grabbed her hips and drilled into her, but instead of moaning loudly, she put her hands against the warm tile and smiled beatifically as her orgasm gathered underneath her belly button.

She was hungry, and tired, and although she wanted food and sleep, Peter was giving her something better - oblivion from her sometimes boring, frustrating existence.

She wrapped her leg around his and ground into him, panting faster as she finally came but he kept going, knowing she had more. She wasn’t done until she cried out his name repeatedly. It was the sweetest sound on Earth. His hand went between her legs and rubbed her clit quickly as he pumped, trying to concentrate on his rhythm despite his growing ache to come.

“Let’s come together,” he said in her ear.

She stilled the caressing hand between her legs. “Okay.”

He fucked tight circles into her, making her beautiful ass jiggle. She began to groan, deep in her throat.

“Almost,” he said, feeling coiled heat in his groin. She was hot, and squeezing harder as her own orgasm made her hands turn to fists on the tile.

“Peter…” she said, and his name turned to a long moan as she pulsed around him, harder than before.

“God yes now,” he said through gritted teeth, and came inside her twitching pussy as his grunts echoed in the stall.

They stood against each other, panting and smiling, for a minute or two.

She yawned and gave him a lingering kiss. “That was thoughtful, sweetie,” she said. They stepped out of the shower and dried off.

“I live to serve,” he said.

“Will you serve me a sandwich, then? I’m starving,” she said. She jiggled her breasts at him.

He swatted her naked bum with the towel, and they ran giggling into the kitchen.

[marypsue]

So I guess this is happening. cw for canon-typical alcohol abuse and mention of suicide. 

Suggested listening: 'Shampain' by Marina and the Diamonds, 'Cut The Body Loose' by Astronautalis.

...

Jerry makes sure to slam the study door behind him, like the self-absorbed child he is, doing his best to share his bad mood with the rest of the house.

After all the yelling, the silence in the kitchen seems to ring.

Beth puts up with it until she feels like she can uncurl her fingers from where they're clenched around the lip of the counter. They come apart slow and stiff, like her joints have rusted into place.

The cabinet where they keep the wineglasses is right next to her dad's - to the cabinet that's been sealed off with a forcefield. It's hard not to look at - there's nothing there, exactly, but the air shimmers and wavers like heat rising off pavement. The movement draws the eye. But somehow Beth manages, fishing a clean wineglass from the cabinet with her eyes locked forward.

"You're the smartest person I know, how can you be so stupid when it comes to him?"

There's a bottle of wine at the back of the fridge, just where Beth left it. She bumps up against the forcefield that seals off the second crisper drawer as she reaches for it, gets a sudden shock for her trouble. She pulls back, eyeing the stupid thing warily. She'd kind of assumed it was the high-tech, intergalactic equivalent of crime scene tape. If it's going to shock anybody who touches it, she's not sure she wants it somewhere where her whole family's likely to bump into it every time they reach for a soda.

The bottle of wine shakes as she tips it over her glass, splashing cheap red out over the sides and all over the counter.

"This could be good for us - okay, all right, for you! A fresh start, without - old baggage -"

The stem of the glass threatens to snap in Beth's hand. She takes a deep breath, and downs half the glass without coming up for air.

She'd been hoping, vaguely, that it'd take her edge off. She's apparently forgotten that she's nothing but edges. How had Jerry oh so eloquently put it? "Brain of a robot and heart of an insect"?

Clutching her glass of wine like a security blanket, alone in the silence of the empty kitchen, Beth wishes that were true.

...

The door to the garage shimmers, slightly, behind its forcefield seal. Jerry had complained when they'd put it in. The police - the Federation police, something Beth hadn't even known existed a week ago - had stripped the place to its bare walls, couldn't he at least use it to park his car?

At the time, Beth had told him to shut up. Now, she almost wishes she'd taken his side.

"You know he was using you, right? That he was just manipulating you so he could use this place as a hideout? You don't actually still believe he cared about being part of your life?"

It's harder not to look at this door than it was to avoid the cabinet.

"Your father stranded us on an alien planet, Beth! If the cops hadn't caught up with him we'd still be there! I'm sorry, I know you're still trying to cling to your good impression of Rick, but we've had to live with the man for the last year, and I'm pretty sure we'd know by now if he was the sort of guy who'd give himself up for anyone else - especially us!"

Beth leans against the wall, her legs suddenly too uncertain to support her. The only reason she doesn't spill her drink is because it's a mouthful away from empty. She's lost track of how many times she's refilled it already. 

She catches herself staring at the garage door, blankly watching the air wavering in front of it. If there'd been anything in there, anything left for anyone to find, it's in the hands of the Federation now. All that's left is bare concrete and uninsulated walls. 

The music from upstairs, a muffled pounding, suddenly drops off in volume, and Beth realises dully that whichever of the kids had turned it up must have noticed the yelling had stopped. She catches herself thinking that the music must be coming from Summer's room, because Morty's probably off on some kind of high-concept sci-fi adventure with -

Beth wonders if she'd remembered to pick up more wine before they'd left for the wedding, or if the bottle she's just polished off is all that was left in the house.

The Federation police...person?...who'd escorted them off the tiny world had been more right than they'd known. Everything is right back to the way it was.

Beth peers into the depths of her wineglass, and drains the last mouthful.

...

When Jerry comes looking for the ice cream, he doesn't notice Beth sitting with her back against the counter until she speaks.

"We're outta wine," she says, and he starts, cracking his head against the underside of the fridge shelf above him.

"Ow! Shit!" Jerry attempts a glare in Beth's direction, manages peevish annoyance. 

"I think there's still some travel bottles of vodka in the medicine cabinet," Beth says, to her feet. "Jusss - don' grab the ones that glow purple."

Jerry straightens up, slamming the fridge door. Beth can feel him looking down, feel his judgemental stare burning through the top of her head, but she doesn't look up. Partly because she thinks her head might float away if she tries, but mostly because she's not going to give him the satisfaction.

"I think you're forgetting," he says, short. "It's over. No more mysterious purple liquids in the medicine cabinet. No more glowing rocks in the kitchen trash. No more alien bacterial cultures in the Cherry Garcia -"

"I know what you used to say about me," Beth interrupts. The sentence stumbles off her tongue, but it still bursts out into the quiet kitchen ringingly clear. 

She doesn't wait for Jerry to bluster through his denial, tipping her empty wineglass back and forth in both hands. "In high school. You an’ all the other guys. Good old 'Daddy Issues' Sanchez, right? You used to like how fucked up I was. You all just loooooooved how easy it made me."

Beth can hear the sharp breath her husband sucks in through his nose, the exasperated sigh, but she still doesn't look up. The light off the glass in her hands is dulled by the smudgy film of oil her fingers have left on it. 

Jerry sounds more like he's talking to a misbehaving dog than another person. "If we have to talk about this, can we do it when both of us are sober?"

"I'm sor-ry you got stuck with me and all my old baggage,” Beth sing-songs. There’s a vicious, quiet satisfaction in looking up to see her husband’s face contracting in barely-suppressed anger. “But heyyyyy. This easy enough for you?”

For a second, Beth thinks Jerry’s going to start yelling again. But then he shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m not letting you drag me into this. Drink some water.”

He starts to shuffle out of the kitchen, and Beth’s sure she’s meant to hear the muttered, “You’re almost as bad as your dad.”

Trying to jump to her feet was the wrong thing to do. Beth ends up hanging off of the counter by one arm, sagging on her knees, shouting at her spineless, gutless wimp of an idiot husband’s back, “You’re just lucky I’m so fucking stupid when it comes to you!”

Jerry doesn’t turn around, just shuffles on around the doorframe and out of sight. Beth tries to lever herself to her feet, and then gives up, collapsing back down to her comfortable spot on the floor. One of the cabinet handles is digging into her back just below her neck, but she’s numb enough to ignore it.

She could go out and get more wine. Hell, she could go out and get more wine, and then just keep going. Devin’d be more than glad to see her. Beth’s no fool, she’s been playing this game since she was old enough to wear a bra. She’d have to be blind and deaf not to know he’s interested in her. 

She wonders if, when he found out, Jerry’d actually have the guts to blow his own brains out like he’d promised.

Beth tips her head back, stares up at the pot lights set into the ceiling. Hell, maybe she could break into the garage. There’s always a chance that the Federation cops who scoured the place didn’t find the basement, that there’s something down there that could get her right out of orbit. She could just vanish, forever, into the infinite coldness of space. It probably wouldn’t be that hard. She can take care of herself. She’s smart.

Just like -

Beth heaves a huge breath that absolutely doesn’t resemble a sob, and tries again to push herself to her feet. She steadies herself against the counter, sticks her empty wineglass under the faucet and wrenches the tap on. 

She doesn’t realise the glass is full until it’s overflowing.

...

Morning dawns grey.

Beth takes a shower, brushes the taste of small dead rodent out of her mouth, pulls on clean clothes and brushes out her hair and slaps on tinted moisturiser, lipstick, mascara. She has to lean in close to the mirror to drag the brush over her eyelashes without stabbing herself in the eye, has to look herself right in the face. Somehow she manages not to make eye contact once.

When she's finished, she looks fresh. Human again. Like any other morning. Maybe her eyes are a little red, but not enough so that anyone would notice.

She's got toast in the toaster and a pan full of eggs sizzling on the stove when Jerry wanders in, with that expression that he gets when the commercial with the sad homeless African orphan puppies comes on TV. "Heyyyyy, there," he starts, voice cautious under the syrup, and Beth bites down on her tongue. "Wow, that sure smells delicious. Did you...actually get any sleep last night, or have you been down here this whole time?"

Beth turns away, checks the eggs. They'll only need a minute or so more. "Would you set the table?"

Jerry, predictably, doesn't move. "So that's how it's going to be, huh? We're just going to pretend like last night didn't happen?"

"As far as I'm concerned, it didn't," Beth says, reaching up to the cabinet to grab a plate to flip the eggs onto. 

She doesn't have to turn and look at her husband to know the way he's looking at her. It's better than staring like she's one of the homeless puppies. "Really? You don't think you - I don't know, owe anybody an apology?"

"I'm sorry," Beth says, flatly, and flips the eggs out of the pan onto the plate. Some of her dad's robots have had more emotion in their voices. "Are you going to set the table?"

Jerry sighs. It's not just a sigh, it's self-pity made sound. Beth turns to check on the toast, but she can feel her husband's eyes boring into her back as he clatters around in the cabinets. 

"I don't want to start another fight," he says, finally, and for once Beth believes him. "I just - are you all right?"

"No, Jerry," Beth says, as the toast pops up. She turns back to the cabinet for a second plate, starts to pile toast onto it. "Tell the kids breakfast is ready, would you?"

Jerry doesn't move, and even with her back turned, Beth knows she's getting the homeless-puppy look again. She sucks in a breath, squares her shoulders, and turns around to hand him the plate of toast.

"It's not going to happen again," she says, meeting his eyes, and means it. "Let's just go back to acting like everything is fine like everybody else, okay? I have to get to work."

For just a moment, the pity bleeds out of Jerry's expression, and Beth remembers why they're still married.

"For what it's worth, I am sorry about your dad," he says, halting. 

Beth shrugs.

"We're all better off without him," she says, the familiar words taking shape in her mouth without her having to think about it.

She turns around and feeds more bread into the toaster before Jerry can see her face.