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lesbian-deadpool · 4 years ago

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Saving Rosie

Part One of Two: “I’m Not A Spy.”

Rosie Betzer x Reader

Words: 5,768

Warnings: WWII (and everything that comes with that era), Nazis, spy shit, arguing, alludes to execution, sadness... I think that may be it.

Request: No.

Summary: You save the woman you have grown close to over the past few years you have been undercover as a Nazi general, and now you’re going to save her family.

A/N: Me, still broken after watching Jojo Rabbit almost a year and a half ago?? It’s more likely than you think... so, apparently I write Rosie Beltzer fics now lol

Also, just some lil notes. The reader in this is undercover as a male Nazi general, and they’re not actually German in this fic.

EDIT: I accidentally tagged this as a Natasha fic lmao. I fixed it now tho.

Ko-Fi

Commissions

(Not My GIF)

***

"It's a lovely night for it, huh?"

For what? You weren't

certain. Maybe it was the full moon. Maybe, it was the clear sky. The deserted streets, perhaps... what loomed in the following days to come.

Or maybe, just maybe. It was the woman by your side.

The woman hummed, a small sweet smile caressing her face.

"One of the better ones we've had in years. Came her strong German accent. A stark difference to yours, considering you no longer had to mask it. Around her, anyway.

Your smile mirrored hers as it brightened.

"It sure is."

"I can't believe it's almost over. And after so long..." she said, while you grunted, sitting down beside her on the small roof over the open attic window. "This unjust war is finally coming to an end."

"Okay, you're starting to sound like my commander now."

Rosie chuckled at your words, moving to softly lean into your side, keeping her head up to continue looking at the bright white stars that littered the midnight blue sky.

"Why do you always insist on meeting up here?" you grumbled, no malice in your voice, "It's a pain in the ass to get up onto the roof, from the outside, y'know?"

"You're a spy, aren't you? Aren't you supposed to be good at this stuff?"

"Oh cheeky," you laughed, lightly slapping the side of her leg, with the back of your hand. Rosie's quiet giggles following your remark, "And I'm an undercover soldier. Those are two very different things."

"Still." She shrugged.

You sat in silence for a small while. Over the few years, you and Rosie had grown close. Meeting up on her rooftop, at the dead of night, where there was no chance of anyone seeing you together, this way, becoming an almost every day occurrence.

You knew you could trust her the moment you first met, almost three years ago. After you had stolen the identity of a Nazi officer, that looked starkly like you. Luckily, there was hardly any information about this person. So, there was less chance for your cover to be blown.

Soon, the resistance that Rosie had been deeply a part of was un-earthed to you, thanks to your informant and the letter she carried. It wasn't long after that you started working with them too. Helping them better than they could ever hope, thanks to the military resources and information you brought.

"What happened to your neck?" Rosie asked, pulling you out from where you were, deep in your memories.

A hand came up to rub at your slightly sore skin.

"My informant can be cruel..."

Rosie cocked a blonde eyebrow at you, wanting an explanation from you.

You sighed, getting ready to tell her.

***

Eyes burned into the woman from all sides as her heels kicked against the polished wooden, yet stained, floor. Her light brown hair shone under the glowing lights, confidence radiating from her just the same.

"Can I help you?" a German Soldier slid in front of her, she had to stop herself from sneering at the man. For both his being a Nazi and his sweaty stench. But instead, she managed a sultry smirk.

"I'm here to see your General," she replied, in a German accent.

"Don't bother," another Soldier, this one drunk and slightly swaying, called over, from where he was pressed into the wall a few feet behind her.

"I don't think your General would take too kindly to you stealing what they paid for."

"They're gonna have fun with you," he replied, blatantly looking her up and down. Like a wolf would, to a tiny bunny, ready to devour it whole. However, the wolf was not a wolf at all, the wolf was, in fact, the bunny, and the bunny was the actual wolf.

She would tear him to shreds, given the chance.

"The General is in the usual room," the original man said, "Fair warning, though. They're not in a good mood today."

The woman began strutting down the hallway, once again. Throwing, "Aren't they always?" over her shoulder once she passed him by.

When she opened the thick wooden door you resided behind, the sounds of your continued groan began pouring through the crack.

"Sometimes I cannot believe that you got this assignment," she uttered in her original London accent, with her back pressed against the now-closed door.

You finished your groan off and took a deep breath before you uttered your reply.

"Luck-of-the-draw, I guess," you spoke from the floor where you lay on your back, with a shrug, "That, or I look strikingly alike the guy who died. The Nazi prick."

She walked over to you, one foot rising to press her heel into your neck, your thyroid resting in the open space of the shoe.

A choking noise sprang from your mouth as you flailed your limbs around gently. You knew that if she were to press any harder, she would surely manage to choke you.

"You're not suited for this job."

The brunette pressed harder against your throat before she released you. Leaving you to turn on your side, coughing and spluttering.

"Well, no shit. I'm a soldier, not a spy."

"You can tell."

"What was that all about?" You motioned to your neck. Red marks already making their way upon the tender flesh.

"We need to make it seem like we are having sex. Remember? I am supposed to be your hooker after all."

"You're a bitch, is what you are."

She scowled at you as you rolled yourself onto your stomach, sighing when you finally got to your feet.

"Where's the update?"

You hummed, almost as if you were remembering what you were here to do. Removing the crystal tumbler from your lips the whisky sloshing around inside. Reaching behind you, you pulled the file from where it was tucked into your pants and under your shirt. Handing it over to her.

"Is this it?" She asked, weighing the file in her hand, "It's very light."

"Yeah, and so's the information swimming around. Unless you wanna hear about the fish Agatha caught last weekend," you snarked back, moving to point at the file with the same hand that held your glass, "There's some good stuff in there. It's not much. But it's good."

"I'll take your word for it."

She tucked the folder into the long overcoat she wore, then you saw her eyebrows furrow.

"Aren't you supposed to take care of that?" She nodded towards the uniform jacket you had thrown across the room not long after you had entered it.

"You sneered at the fore-talked about item.

"I hate it and everything it stands for." You turned back to face her. "As soon as all of this bullshit is over, I'm burning that fucking armband. And then the rest of the fucking uniform."

"Real calm there, aren't you?"

"Don't start shit with me, Hannah." You took a large swig of your drink, almost emptying the glass. "I know that you wish you had somehow gotten this mission. But trust me, you don't fucking want it. The shit I've seen and done. The stuff that I've had to authorise, just to keep my cover. The fucking horror storied these monsters have told proudly, or as if they're fucking jokes." You were panting now. "You don't want that."

You had her startled into silence. Hannah had never expected this to come from you.

"How's the resistance?"

You grunted. Downing the rest of the brown liquor before moving to pour yourself another glass three fingers tall.

"It's going." you gave a heavy nod. "Still trying to spread the word."

Hannah hummed, slowly making her way towards you. Fingers coming up to razzle her hair, and wipe her lipstick, so it smudged onto her cheek.

"How's the blonde?"

"What-?" you were cut off when she wiped the red lipstick on her fingers across your own lips, leaving a smudge like hers there. "Ugh," you groaned, moving away from her palm, only to utter small obscenities and sounds of pain when her lipstick freehand messed up your short, slicked-back hair.

"What blonde?" you finally managed to ask.

"The one from the resistance. What's her name?" She clicked her fingers together, in realisation, "Rosie."

"Oh! Yeah, she's fine, and so are the kids."

"You seem to be taking a shine to her, from what I hear from the resistance. You and Rosie seem to be something of a dynamic duo."

Suddenly your shirt was ripped open, from the collar to your ribs. Making your eyes widen in shock.

However, you were used to this by now, so they soon returned back to their regular size.

"Yeah, we're friends."

Hannah hummed, something akin to a knowing smirk on her face. As she untucked your shirt.

"I'd keep an eye on her, though."

She opened your pants.

"She's being watched."

Breathless at what she just said, you stood stock still, watching as she walked towards the wooden door.

"Oh." Hannah stopped, her hand upon the handle, pulling some pieces of paper from her pocket and threw them to the floor, "I'll leave you to deliver the bad news."

And with that, she left.

***

You forewent telling Rosie everything from the mention of her.

Thinking it the best if she heard it differently.

"That really sounds like a spy meeting to me," Rosie said with a smirk, knowing it would annoy you to no end.

You closed your eyes before you could roll them into the back of your head. Taking a deep breath, you exhaled, "I'm not a spy."

"So, you've said," she giggled.

"You're drunk," you mumbled to yourself.

"What was that?"

"How are the kids?" you asked, clearly watching as Rosie groaned lightly. Her head down-turned, almost sad looking.

"Jojo's still obsessed with Hitler and everything. And Elsa's doing her best. But I can tell how much this is affecting her. And in what world wouldn't it?"

"She's strong." You nodded. "She'll get through it. We all will."

"And what about Jojo?"

Rosie turned to face you, hair swaying as she did. You could see the glazed look in her eye's, telling yourself to be extra vigilant with the woman upon the roof. You had to make sure she didn't fall off in her drunken state.

"Is he going to be like this for the rest of his life?"

Tears were building in her eyes now.

"Supporting evil dictators, wanting to take over the world, and fill it with hate?"

"No. No, of course not," you whispered. Reaching over, you clasped her cheeks between your rough, war-hardened hands. Wiping away her silent tears. "He's just a boy. A boy who wants to be a part of something, even if he doesn't understand what that is. What monster's he's following. He will realise one day. Trust me."

"I trust you." She nodded. "It just. It's hard. It's so hard. Especially when he plays up, like he did at dinner today."

"He did?"

She hummed with a nod.

"We're low on food right now. I had to go without to feed Elsa. But Jojo, he didn't know, obviously, so he took that too. Then he started arguing about his father-"

You inhaled sharply, shoulders tensing. But luckily for you, she didn't notice your reaction.

"-I yelled at him... we made up not long after, but I still feel awful about it. I'm a terrible mother."

"No, you're not-"

"I am-"

"No. You're not," you said firmly. Grabbing her forearm, gently moving it side to side, to get your point further across, "You're such a caring and amazing person. Your heart is so big and kind. And you're an even better mother. It's like all of that is doubled for those kids."

"Thank you," Rosie whispered, tears in her eyes once again, before she moved to wipe them away.

"Anyway, you're way better than my mother. She abandoned me at a farm. I was lucky a cow didn't shit on me."

She giggled at your little joke.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you."

"There's no need. I wouldn't change it."

Things were quiet for a few minutes when you suddenly remembered.

"Oh!" You reached into your pocket and pulled out three packages, wrapped in brown paper and tied together with string. "I guess it was just lucky that I brought these then."

"What are they?"

"Beef sandwiches, I thought you would like them."

"Oh, you're a lifesaver," she spoke in something close to a moan as she took a bite out of her sandwich.

You gave a small chuckle at the woman seated beside you, "I'd thought you'd say that. I'll have to start bringing food over to these meetings of ours because it's not like I can do it out in the open."

"People would think something was going on between us," Rosie hummed.

"You're right about that. Everyone is so bored around here. Gossip is like their life sauce."

"Would you be surprised if I told you that it was the same before the war?"

"Not at all," you laughed.

Rosie finished her sandwich, and you dreaded what was coming next.

"I need to tell you something," you almost whispered.

She bumped her shoulder against yours when you didn't continue.

"Well? What is it?"

"It... it's about your husband..."

You watched her carefully as you said that, all the while emotions, flew into her while she processed them.

She held back more tears, ones from the look on her face that she had shed more times than she could count. Face contoured into one of concealed pain. Looking away from your gentle, caring eyes while rubbing her hands together.

"He's dead, isn't he?"

"I'm afraid so." You nodded, looking out before you, into the starry night sky.

That's when you felt a tiny jolt beside you. Looking over at the blonde, you watched as a tear trickled down her cheek.

"I'm so sorry," you whispered.

With a gasp and a wet sniff, Rosie wiped her tears away.

"What happened?"

"There was a raid, some members of a resistance was there, your husband included. None of them made it... they saved the people they intended to, however."

She nodded with a sad yet proud smile.

"How long ago was this?"

You swallowed. Hating the words you were about to say.

"A little over a year ago."

You winced when you heard her sobs, ones being held in so hard just so no one could overhear her cries.

And, sickeningly so, the worst thing of all was that you didn't know how to help her.

Placing a hand upon her back, rubbing small comforting circles into her shoulder. Feeling her lean into you, face now pushed into your neck.

"I'm here. Everything's going to be alright."

You left not too long later, after already spending way too much time up on that roof.

Rosie wished you a "goodbye" with the promise that she would be fine. However, she didn't reply to you when you told her not to finish the rest of the wine. That she had been pounding for the majority of the day.

Before you arrived "home" and promptly collapsed onto the bed.

***

The afternoon sun was warm upon your face as you walked the streets of the German town. Watching as children ran around, women worked, and well, gossiped, and Nazi soldiers came and went.

Soon. You thought. This will all be over soon.

That's when you heard the murmured words from the women you had just walked past.

"Yes, the Gestapo. They're here right now."

"Who for?" the other woman asked, voice slightly higher at the aspect of such "juicy" gossip.

Sometimes it surprised you just how detached some of these people were from human lives. But then you took a step back and saw everything that was happening in the world. And you weren't surprised anymore. Just disappointed.

"The traitors wife. Beltzer."

And now you were scared.

"-They should be taking her to the square, right now."

It was like the world had slowed down as you turned to look at them, meeting their curious eyes.

The last thing you heard before taking off at a run towards the town square was a fading, "Like husband, like wife. I guess."

The people you passed by looked at you like you were insane. To see a, what they thought, General, sprinting down streets and panting like crazy, it set them on edge.

But you didn't give a damn about what anybody thought.

You just had to get to the square.

And quick.

***

By the time you got there, you had a light shine over your skin. Thanks to the sweat from both the running you had done and the worry that coursed through you.

"Remove your hands from her," came your faux German accent.

"She is a traitor to the Reich," one of the Gestapo's, seemingly the leader, replied assuredly.

"And what proof do you have of this?"

Rosie was terrified. You could see that as clear as day, no matter how she tried to keep calm. It was written all over her face.

So, you forcefully pushed their hands from the heavily breathing woman and pulling her to stand by your side and away from the group of men dressed in black suits.

"I'll have you know, we have very probable tips from some of the community-"

""Probable"?!" you shouted, causing the on edge woman beside you to jump slightly. To which you pulled her closer to you as a form of comfort. Your hand, coming to rest on her shoulder.

"Yes. Probable. We cannot have risks."

"Well, I say that it is bullshit."

"You have no jurisdiction or authority over our department."

"And I never said I did. I am saying that I vouch for this woman."

"But the tip-off's-" another man began.

"You choose to believe lonely and bored housewives over a General?!" You watched as their faces fell, and they tried to grab onto any straw they could to change your mind.

"There is still a chance-"

"There is no chance!"

"And can you be so sure?!"

"Do you really believe that I, a General, would be with her if you were right?"

"With her?" a third Gestapo asked curiously.

You knew what you had to do to get her back home, safe and away from the men trying to execute and make a spectacle of her. Just like the poor people hanging to your right.

"It means that I have been seeing her. Romantically, if you still do not fully understand, what I mean."

They didn't say anything for a few short moments, only stumbling and stuttering over their own voices.

"So, tell me. Who are you choosing to believe?"

"Uh. Y-You General."

"Good." You nodded once. "Now, I'm going to take her home. Goodbye, gentlemen," you spat. Turning on your heel, with Rosie under your arm, and walking away.

"Are you okay?" you whispered. Not drawing any attention to yourself or Rosie.

"I'm fine. Thank you for saving me," she replied in the same way.

"I wouldn't have done anything else." Your hand slipped down to the blondes dip in her lower back, helping to guide her back home. "Where are the flyers? Did you have any on you?"

"Yes. I threw them down the drain before they could see."

"Good. You did good." A squeeze to her hip before your hand returned to her lower back, just to keep up the appearance of the lie. "They're not gonna find them."

***

Rosie had relaxed more by the time you were at the bottom of her street when you saw a distinctly expensive car parked outside of Rosie's house. A car that everyone knows belongs to that of Gestapo's.

"Is Jojo home?" you asked, just stood there starring at the sight, with Rosie by your side.

"Yes," she husked.

"Shit."

And that's when you both broke out in a run.

You, being faster than Rosie, arrived at the building first. Barging through the door, with her hot on your heels.

Pounding your way up the stairs, only to come face to face with a gang of men, identically dressed to the Gestapo's, you had just saved Rosie from. Along with Jojo and Elsa, in clothes that didn't look like they belonged to her. Not to mention the demoted soldier, holding an identification book.

"What is the meaning of this?!"

"What are you doing in my house?!" you and Rosie said at the same time. Your yell angrier, compared to her more so worried one.

"We are searching the premises," the lead man, who wore round glasses, spoke. Face confused as to why Rosie was still alive. But as soon as he saw the anger chiselled upon your face. He could take a successful guess as to who had stopped the execution.

"Mama, they were just checking Inge's identification," Jojo said as his mother rushed towards him. Her hands, on his cheeks, as she checked him over.

"Oh, yes. Of course." Rosie pulled Jojo along to bring Elsa into her side, just as you had done for her mere minutes ago. "Are you both alright?"

She gained words and nods of confirmation from the two children.

"I think it's time that you all left."

"But-" one Gestapo said, looking to Rosie.

"But nothing," you continued, "I'm sure your associates will fill you in on their mistake. Now, if you are finished, I ask that you leave this house."

"We were just about to, anyway," the leader said, leading the way out for everyone. But not before the ID was handed back to the assumed Inge. With you trailing after, to slam the door behind them.

You turned, leaning your back against the wooden door, sighing deeply.

"Are they gone?" Rosie called down, leaning over the railing, to peer down at you.

The stairs creaked below you, the layer of carpet doing nothing to quiet them. You spoke your confirmation, as you reached her, "They're gone."

The kids looked like they had just been caught with their hand's in the cookie jar.

"So..." the caring woman started, "You two know about each other."

They nodded.

"For how long?"

"A couple of weeks, at most," Jojo said.

"How did you even find out about her?"

"I-I found the hatch-"

"He crawled in-"

"And I found her-"

"He was terrified."

"Was not!"

"Was too."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Okay, enough," Rosie raised her voice, gaining the bickering children's attention.

Taking a breath, she ran her hands through her soft blonde hair.

"And you never told anyone?"

"No." Jojo shook his head. "I didn't want you to get into trouble..." It was at that point, he realised you were silently stood behind his mother, watching as everything unfolded and who you were.

Rosie caught this and looked over her shoulder at you.

"Don't worry," she told both of the kids, crouching down before them. Elsa's face one of mild terror.

This is when it hit you that these kids were exactly that.

Kids.

Kid's that were too scared of their mothers, or motherly figure, scolding them, than the actual, apparent danger that lurked not too far away.

"They're not going to tell anybody. They know. And won't let anything happen. To any of us." she manoeuvred to face you. "Right?"

You nodded. "Absolutely. I will do my best to protect all of you."

"Speaking of." She slowly rose to her feet, walking towards you.

The hand that Rosie placed upon your arm was gentle, almost like she was worried she would hurt you. Fingers curling into the jacket of the uniform you loathed.

"I have to speak with the General. So, you two stay up here. Understood?"

They nodded.

"Good." She pulled you through the open door, but before she could close it fully, her head popped through the door, "Oh. And we're not done yet. We still have a lot to talk about."

Then the door clicked shut.

"You're really good at that."

"What?"

"Being a mother."

"I know. You've told me before."

***

Things had changed rather quickly when you arrived downstairs.

Sat upon the blue cotton cushions of the wooden framed couch. Watching as Rosie paced around in front of you, fingertips rubbing against her full lips, worry etched across her face.

Your eyebrows shot up, and your body straightened when she turned to face you. Arms now down by her sides.

"So, we're together, huh?"

"I'm sorry," you replied, German accent dropped, "But that was the only thing that would get them to back off and drop the suspicions against you."

"I know." She nodded, completely understanding. Before her minimal composure dropped, and the worry came back. "What do we do? Jojo obviously thinks you are a traitor now. What if he tells someone?"

"He won't." You stood abruptly, taking Rosie's shoulder's into your hands, squeezing them gently. "He didn't tell anyone about Elsa when he had so many chances to do so. Hell, he had the chance, not even five minutes ago. But he hasn't said a word, purely just to keep you safe... he doesn't understand that this could hurt him and Elsa too. He doesn't know what's happening."

"But this is different-"

"Yes, it is different. It's better he thinks I'm a traitor, helping his family, than him knowing I'm an undercover soldier."

"You mean a spy?"

"Don't you start with that shit." You pointed at her playfully.

Rosie's smile dropped when a thought popped into her mind.

"Do you think they will still come back?"

"It is possible," you said honestly, "Which is why we should leave as soon as we possibly can."

"And go where?"

"Anywhere that isn't here."

"What do I tell the kids- What do I tell Jojo?" she clarified.

"The truth. You tell them that they could come back and that we all need to leave because we could all be in danger."

With her head in her hand's, the blonde scoffed tearily, "God. This fucking war."

"I know. I know."

You pulled her into your chest, letting her cry into you. Arms wound around your torso tightly.

"I hate it, For so many reasons."

"I know," you repeated again, "I feel the same."

"When will it just end? When will people be safe again?"

Deciding that it would be best to tell her the truth, you said, "I don't know. Soon I hope."

And there you sat, for a small while longer, allowing the blonde to cry into your chest.

***

You had left.

Gone to go gather some of your things, thinking it best to stay with Rosie and the kids while you were forced to stay in town.

All the while Rosie, spoke to the kids about leaving.

"I don't understand why we have to go!"

Was what you were greeted with as you entered the home.

"Because it is not safe for us here anymore," Rosie's voice came, calm but firm.

"But they won't come back."

"That's not entirely true," you spoke, entering the kitchen. Placing the leather bag you carried and the wicker basket upon the small table against the wall, you continued, "There's always a chance, no matter how small."

The young boy watched you silently for a minute. Not knowing what to say.

"Trust me, Jojo. I know how all of this works. I just want to keep you all safe, so does your mother. And this is the best way to do it.2

Jojo sighed.

"Where will we go?"

Rosie looked at you intently when her son asked this, wondering the same thing.

"We'll get out of town first. Then we'll focus on a safe place for us all to go."

"Jojo, would you. Would you go to your room, please?" Rosie asked, "I need to speak with the General, alone."

Just as the blonde boy was about to protest, he was cut off.

"Now. I also have to start preparing dinner."

He huffed and walked from the room, bounding up the stairs rather loudly.

You felt bad for the woman as you watched her grip the sides of the oven, bow her head, and give a great sigh.

"Where's Elsa?"

"She's in her hiding spot." Then she turned to face you. "Y/N, K know that Elsa isn't Inge."

"What?"

"She got Inge's birthday wrong, and he didn't say anything."

Your eye's wandered as you took in the information that was just given to you.

"Do you think he will say anything?"

"I don't know," you said with a shrug, "But I don't wanna take any chances. It's too risky."

"I agree." Rosie nodded once. "So, when do we leave."

"As soon as possible. Tonight if we can. Only pack the essentials. And not yet, we can't raise any suspicions."

Rosie's only reply and indication that she had heard you were a good few nods.

And then.

"What's in the basket?"

"Oh," you said chipperly, "Don't worry about cooking. I brought dinner."

***

Turns out "tonight" wasn't a viable option for skipping town, as with loud, almost deafening sirens of dread filled the sky came the air-raid strike.

"Wouldn't it give us a good cover, though?" Rosie had asked, preparing for bed.

You had resigned yourself to staying over, as a sort of bodyguard, while still in town. And the threat was still very much weighing in the winds.

You looked over your shoulder at her. Being spotted by her through the mirror of her vanity, where she sat. Removing her makeup and then applying some face cream.

"I'm not the only one by a window," you told her. Then moved to peer through the window, at the moving lights in the black, midnight sky. "I'm sure I heard Elsa and Jojo in the attic watching them."

"They are," she confirmed.

"See. We're not the only ones. Too many eyes. A good distraction," you admitted, "But almost impossible. And with two kids added to that? No chance."

A hum came from Rosie.

"So, what are our options?"

With a sigh, you began explaining, "People will be too jumpy tomorrow, so our best bet would be the day after."

The blonde, now ready for bed, came over to you. Moving to stand right in front of you, looking out the window herself.

"Wouldn't it be too risky, staying here that long?"

It seemed it was your turn to hum, shrugging your shoulders.

"I'd rather stay here a few more days than risk it out there. But there is a good side to these change of plans."

"And what's that?"

"Now, we can sneak stuff to the car. And won't risk being caught doing it all at night. That way, all we have to do is get in, then drive off."

"Good plan. Partner," Rosie spoke in a slight mocking about sultry tone. Which only made you roll your eyes good-naturedly.

"Yeah. Yeah. You're welcome."

"Seriously," you halted at Rosie's serious tone, raising your head to peer at her, "Thank you for everything."

"You don't have to thank me." Your lips ticked up in a small smile before you lightened the sober mood and atmosphere. "And you definitely won't be thanking me if I accidentally kick you in my sleep."

Rosie laughed at your words, watching as you said into bed beside her.

"Do not worry. If you kick me, I'll just kick you out of the bed."

"Now that's just rude."

Waking up the next morning was strange for you, to say the least.

With the bright sun shining through the thin drapes, across the cosy room, and onto the bed. Duvet lumpy above your forms.

And then there was Rosie.

The blonde pressed up against your side, head resting on your shoulder, arms curled around one of yours, still fast asleep.

Now that.

That was very unusual for you.

But then again. You were too sleepy to process anything at that moment. So instead, you just watched her breathe soothingly, looking so peaceful by your side, with your eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinted in curiosity.

It was a wonder how someone could look so contest face asleep like Rosie was, with everything that is going on in the world.

The world wouldn't be that way for much longer, you thought, it was only a matter of time before everything was over.

And the same thing could be said for the blonde sleeping by your side.

The wooden door barged open, alerting you fully awake, as Jojo strutted in. Only to stop dead in his tracks at the sight of you. In bed. With his mother.

You could see the slight anger in his eyes, purely out of protection for his beloved mother.

"Good morning, Jojo," Rosie said sleepily as she moved to sit up, looking at the boy with a sleepy smile.

You grunted as she pressed her palm into your abdomen to raise up into a seated position.

"What are they doing here?" he asked, nodding his head towards you.

Rosie looked over her shoulder at you, tired eyes evaluating you. Before she turned back to her son.

"There's something I forgot to tell you yesterday."

You watched the mother and child with slightly wide eyes, not uttering a word, just looking like you wanted to escape this situation.

"What did you forget?"

"The General here-" she patted your abdomen where her hand still resided. "-And I, are seeing each other."

It was a few good long moments as Jojo processed the words. You thought he was going to be angry. It would be natural. You would understand. He was a young boy, one who undoubtedly missed his father and would not be happy with his mother being with anyone else.

But you also had to understand that he idolised you, if only for your -albeit fake- position in the German military.

And yet, you were still surprised and confused by what he said next.

"A lion?"

Rosie smiled brightly, nodding her head, "A lion."

"A lion?"

That was the first thing you said that morning, and it was full of confusion.

But it fell on deaf ears.

Jojo nodded once at his mother before turning on his heel and walking from the room, without saying what he initially came in for.

"What?"

Rosie smiled at you.

"Come on, we should get moving."

The bed shook and bounced as she got up from the bed, preparing to get ready for the day.

"I'm so confused," you almost whimpered, only gaining a soft giggle in return.

***

Permanent Tag List:

@imnotasuperhero, @veteranwerewolf95, @natasha-danvers, @marvelfansince08love, @higherfurther-romanova, @lesbian-x-blackwidow, @sestra-inestro, @thelastavenger-3000, @mixed-fandom-mess,

SFW Tag list:

@peggycarter-steverogers, @natalia-quinzel,

(I didn’t know if you guys wanted to be tagged in this, but...)

#original work #original fanfiction #rosie beltzer x reader #rosie betzler x reader #rosie betzler imagine #rosie betzler #jojo rabbit imagine #jojo rabbit

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emiliosandozsequence · 2 years ago

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I decided to introduce myself a little more by telling you some fun facts about myself:

tagged by my bro 😎 @naysaltysalmon

emilio| they/them | lesbian | nonbinary | pisces (☀️) taurus (🌙) pisces (🌅)

~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~

🌌 i'm puerto rican and irish mostly and that's definitely what shows in my appearance and personality i think too (lol)

🌌 i finished writing 7 book before the age of 21, but i haven't finished a thing since bc of a variety of factors; i am finally working on a novel again though woohoo!!

🌌 i'm a fictive in a traumagenic system caused by a really shitty upbringing (no, fictive is not the same thing as kin); for comparison: to those of you that have read the sparrow, my childhood was rakhat without all the happy parts.

🌌 i'm also chronically ill and disabled, but lol for the love of g-d i don't know what with because doctors are horrifyingly ableist

🌌 i can play the violin and piano and read music, but i have done none of those things in a good long while and i'm actually much better at learning things by ear; i also have perfect pitch, and i think i'm a much better singer than i am violin or piano player.

🌌 i can fence and irish dance; i taught myself how to irish dance by obsessively watching riverdance growing up, but i quit when i started middle school because a) the teacher was a fucking cunt and b) that's when i started really first feeling the effects of having a body that Doesn't Work Right

🌌 i had thyroid cancer in 2016 and so i don't have a thyroid anymore lol, which means i have a really hard time regulating my temperature. i also don't have a gall bladder, which means i have a really hard time eating fatty foods without...revisiting those meals.

🌌 emilio sandoz is me in ways i cannot even begin to describe. like i said that when i finished the book the first time around, but hot fucking damn; i'm rereading during my annotating and posting of quotes on the account i made on twitter and i'm just rerealizing this all over again and it's fucking insane. maybe someday i'll write that dissertation and it'll just be a self-centered, self-indulgent essay about why emilio sandoz and i are the same person; also likely an essay about how fucking amazing mary doria russell illustrates the effects of that level of trauma (coming from someone who has experienced it).

🌌 this really isn't news to anyone who follows me (or read the last point lol) but the sparrow series by mary doria russell is my all time favorite book sequence. i really really REALLY want to be able to talk to mary doria russell one on one about it and fantasize about doing so daily, but the closest i've gotten to that was her approving of my fancast that i posted on twitter.

🌌 i love animals and particularly cats <3 i have two cats that are very definitely mine, but my fiancee's family also has three other cats that cling to me in various ways too. i love them all dearly and love being the resident cat mom; i literally am being followed by at least one of them at all times.

🌌 i love score music. all time favorite genre of music hands down holy fuck. i listen to....usually the score or playlist score i've created of whatever i'm hyperfixating on at the moment; you can see all of those playlists on my spotify. also, according to my spotify, the only lyrical artist i enjoy regularly outside of my score music genre is ethel cain <3

🌌 my favorite genre of media is philosophical sci-fi (examples: foundation, halo, the sparrow, the fountain, annihilation, arrival, sunshine, i origins, the matrix, interstellar, etc.). idek why tbh. i do love space and science a whole lot, but i just came to the realization that this is my genre of choice rather recently when my fiancee pointed it out.

🌌 my biggest special interests are space (and literally everything to do with it; in particular string theory, theoretical physics, quantum mechanics, etc), linguistics, volcanology, religion, and really anything to do with STEM.

~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~🪷~

I hope you’ll reblog and give a few fun facts about yourself so we can get to know each other a little better~! Open to all!

Tagging: @creaturecomplex @chateauofmymind @sarayashikis @thinking-in-broken-scenes @good-as-dead @dykeromanroy @smallredb0y @redwindflower

#eyyy #this was fun #txt

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vtforpedro · 3 years ago

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health update - long, long post

two out of three appointments done!! good news all around. first, with my hematologist... so apparently I've been in remission since december and didn't know it because the literature talks about milestones you have to reach for the type of leukemia I have but lmao ???? hey I've been in remission for almost eight months, cool ;P if I go two years with no signs of leukemia, we can extend my appts out! but for now we will still check labs every three months my endocrinologist sent me to an Expert Thyroid Radiologist and she said my ultrasound on the goiter/nodules looked good enough to not even need another ultrasound again (barring any major changes in numbers, I imagine) and my tsh levels are excellent so 👌 don't have to do labs again for a year!! I see my rheum on the 3rd and I imagine it will go much the same way as I've already seen my labs and they look ok to my layman's eyes lol and thank god she let me switch to a telehealth appt so I don't have to go in for this one because I had to go in yesterday to my hematologist's office hnnnn this is all really good news and feels great but GOD! it's extremely hard to tell what's been giving me symptoms since CML, hypothyroidism, and of course rheumatic diseases all cause intense fatigue, appetite weirdness, skin problems and more. but depression/anxiety/ptsd also cause all of these things and so do both of my neurological conditions. my rheum thinks the basic symptoms my PCP was concerned about for lupus or scleroderma is the whole shebang combined and I'm sure she's right it's always been the neuro shit that's given me the worst symptoms and agony and extreme discomfort I've ever felt in my life lol and that has an uncertain and at this moment frightening future so... yeah, we'll see where I'm at in a few months I guess and if there's been any improvement. but fighting what happens in my brain every day is the most exhausting thing I've ever done and the damage it does to my mental health cannot be understated, which my neurologist loves to do! so as soon as I do a couple tests he ordered I'm finding a new one. not for new answers, but only for someone not a complete mess of a person who contradicts themselves constantly within the same breath y'all my last appointment with him was absolutely BANANAS. he spent more time complaining about the company he worked for and defending himself and justifying himself to himself??? than like. treating me lol he makes so so so many mistakes, he lies, and I'm still boiling over the question he asked on the phone on july 1st 'so did anyone go over your MRI results with you?' (from mid-APRIL) like do you mean YOU, SIR???? god. he reviewed them with me on my appt on july 14th and got all huffy about them doing 'the wrong MRI' cause I was supposed to have an MRV, not an MRA, and yet he has put in like 6 or 7 orders (four in the same day) for an MRA, including on the 14th, just in case you need a picture of what this man is like. I could make three whole posts about him, he's chaotic and not in a good way him: 'well you've lost 30 pounds and with IIH, that should show improvement. and since there's no improvement, that's very uncharacteristic so it could be something else. but also keep in mind that even with losing the weight there may not be any improvement in IIH symptoms' hmm still working that one out anyway I've had insomnia for the majority of my life and only medical marijuana helped. I'd go to bed at midnight and not fall asleep until 3 AM if I was lucky before I tried it. now that I can't be on it, but I am at war with my brain 24/7, I'm sleeping the whole night through better than I have for most of my life 😒 this sounds like a good thing, but I'm still exhausted waking up every morning. my brain can't catch up on rest while it's this bad I still don't have a lot of hope for this shit. and it is IIH, he just doesn't want to say it. we all know it's IIH, it's literally the one explanation and fits all my symptoms. I wish it had been the easiest one to cure and was gone because it's a living hell. gonna continue

working toward my goals and hope my health is eventually as kind to me for this as it's been for the CML I really want to go to therapy to deal with the trauma of the last year and a half but I can't have a conversation, especially not an emotional one, and I can't process or think very well when talking to someone anymore. it sucks and it's scary feeling my brain function is not what it was just two or three months ago. memory 👎 decision making skills 👎 processing questions 👎 mixing things up/confusing myself on the daily? 👍 neuro referred me to a neuropsychologist for cognitive function stuff so yeah. hoping for a miracle at this point anyway, pretty proud of myself for losing weight though and in a healthy way. my neurologist, neurosurgeon and psychiatrist seemed doubtful I could do it on my own, but my 31lbs gone says hey fuck you lmao 19 more to my big first goal! even if it doesn't fix IIH and I have to have surgery, not being obese anymore will make it safer and I'll feel better all around. started at 210 and I'm now at 179 c: sorry for good news and also doom and gloom but s i g h at least there's forward progress in some ways, right?

#medical #personal #vtforpedro personal #I just saw someone mention oversharing as being like a bad trait #so I'm sorry if me blogging about my health issues is uncomfortable or feels like oversharing but it helps me #i'll always have these to look back on #I also only have like two people to talk to about this stuff otherwise and I need to really let it all out so I can breathe #but now I'm rethinking if I should've ever started blogging about my health in the first place hnnnn #i really am sorry if they make you uncomfortable so i added a new tag you can blacklist #anyway love you all please stay safe and healthy

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house-of-crows · 4 years ago

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Today on ED Blogs Are Entitled Little Shit Stains

Another fucking SIXTY TWO people blocked from that one fucking post that tumblr just won’t scrub from my blog no matter how many times I fucking try.

So I put in my header for ED blogs not to fucking interact with me. I POUR as many fucking polite-ass warnings into the notes of that post, and when it doesn’t work yeah I get angry. Fucking rabid-ass god-killer angry, because there are people in the notes of that post that I have since blocked DEFENDING THEIR ACTIONS because “lol im not gonna check every post for DNI.” So for the last gods damned time children:

LOW CAL DOES NOT MEAN PRO ANOREXIA YOU IGNORANT ASS GODS DAMNED ASS PISSING TWAT

This started because I posted a single mug cake recipe for me to use while I was going through CANCER RECOVERY and trying to lose weight because I had a fucking THYROID CONDITION and my joints were INFLAMED and I needed to not fall into BAD GOD DAMNED HABITS and DIE.

Because the sheer god damned entitlement of some fucking random, to literally write “this is triggering content uwu don’t like don’t follow I swear I’m not proana this is for meeeeeee” and then REBLOG FROM SOMEONE LIKE ME who is IN RECOVERY and dealing with a mountain of mental health shit, and trying not to relapse..... the sheer god damned HYPOCRISY to tell me “just block don’t report!” as though you’ve fucking DONE something with your “this is just for me, it’s a diary of my P R O G R E S S” when if you REALLY wanted to avoid triggering people you’d pw protect your blog and never reblog from anyone else....

But eating disorders are competitive, you see. And without getting any serotonin from the food you eat “you’re a person not a dog omg don’t reward yourself with food that’s NASTY~” you have to get it from bullying others and yourself to the point of ... who even knows. While you reblog people with “good” bodies as “thinspiration” and people whose bodies you don’t like as “fatspo” because in your twisted mind you think that’s an okay thing to do.

Glorifying your mental illness to the point of LITERAL NAUSEA, and medical endangerment, while you shit all over people who are, in fact, a HEALTHY weight while you just continue to starve and starve and vomit your way to.... what, exactly?

Fur instead of body hair, rotting teeth, heart problems, and a thyroid condition?

Your end point is never going to be pretty. You’re going to be shivering in those “Fashionable Clothes” because your body can’t regulate its own temperature anymore. You won’t have the shining smile, because your bulimia will have stolen it from you. Your pretty soft hair? Dry, brittle, lifeless, and no amount of conditioners and oils is going to bring it back, because your cracking nails, peeling skin, and fuzz-covered tongue are all signs of severe malnutrition, neglect, and eminent death.

So keep your graveyard bullshit the FUCK away from me. I’ve been clawing my way out of that fucking grave for YEARS and I don’t need to deal with your fucking entitled, hypocritical, bullshit fucking bitch asses trying to drag down the whole world with you.

I hope every last single one of you reaps what you’re sowing, and I’d like to remind you that it’s only a curse if you don’t STAY IN YOUR GOD DAMNED LANE. I am DONE being polite. I am DONE being kind. I am DONE with the “compassion for your broken minds that thinks this is okay”

I am fucking PISSED. That I cannot have this ONE SIMPLE FUCKING THING that I have been ASKING FOR since fucking 2017 you gods damned fucking CUNTS.

And DO NOT fucking come crawling in my inbox all “omg your anger is SO TRIGGERING I just STOPPED EATING BECAUSE OF YOU I WAS DOING SO WELL SOB” because I honest to fuck don’t give a single solitary rat’s ass. I laid my boundaries fucking FOUR YEARS AGO and you little trogs have stomped all over them the entirety of that time. ED BLOGS ARE ENTITLED LITTLE SHITS is a tag on this blog for good fucking reason.

Go find a god damned therapist and leave me the FUCKING HELL ALONE.

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flirting-with-psychology · 4 years ago

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What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Spinach today

What was your last Facebook notification for? Someone liked my profile pic

What bands have you seen live? Demi Lovato and some that my parents took me to

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She used to design exhibits

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Make friends

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Blow jobs (not young young obviously but in high school I thought they sounded gross)

What are your plans later today? Go to bed

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? DnD

Who do you talk to the most? My boyfriend and my parents

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Not do stupid impulsive things (although I kind of wish I did)

Who is your best guy friend(s)? Probably John

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? It’s fine the way it is

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Yes, I thought I broke or dislocated my toe, but i did not

Do you think your first love still loves you? It was unrequited

What is something that is “going right” in your life? I got a car and the vaccine

When did you feel ready to start dating? Like 5th grade but it took till high school for people to be ready to date me (and till after college to get past a couple dates)

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? Idk. She always threatened to bite but I can’t remember the last time she actually did

Where were you the last time you made out? My couch

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? Idk

How do you type your sad smileys? :( or :/ depending on the mood

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? No, but my mom does

What was the last soda you drank? Izze

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? Probably being insecure

Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yes, to get my wisdom teeth out and pull down my canines and remove half my thyroid

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? No

Who was the last person to hit on you? My boyfriend

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? Go to bed early

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Idk

What do you put on hot dogs? I don’t eat hot dogs

Ever fallen in the shower? Probably

Do you think that things will get better? I hope so

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? No

What’s your favourite book genre? Fantasy

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No

Do dogs like you? I think so

Would you say that you project an air of authority? No

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Maybe

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) One

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No

Who do you know that had a baby recently? My cousin

Do you like Usher’s songs? Not too many

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? A couple years ago

Have you ever ridden a train? Yes

What do you eat your French fries with? Garlic aioli sauce or nothing

Do you have family problems? Not really but I’m sick of living with my dad

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Gummy vitamins

How do you like your grilled cheese? Nice and toasted but soft on the inside

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? Idk, I don’t really cook What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play with toy animals or play pretend

Have you ever been close to drowning? No

Have you ever had a panic attack? Idk

Do you like doing housework? No

Would you ever get implants? No

Do you own a robe? No

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? No

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? I eat it but it’s not my favorite part. If it’s really hard from being reheated I cut it off

What was the last song you listened to? I'm listening to Forever & Always by Taylor Swift

Have any of your family members been to jail? No

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Maybe, I haven’t been able to get in touch with one of my childhood friends and idk why

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? No

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? Idk, it’s hard to pinpoint

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Yes

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? Kinda? Idk. I wanted to be an artist, a scientist, and a teacher. I am still into creative things and I’m interested in science, and teaching might be fun if it didn’t have so much public speaking

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? How I Met Your Mother

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I would be very scared and angry, and probably try to find a way to dodge the draft

What is your favorite Queen song? Bohemian Rhapsody, I’m basic

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? I did when I traveled there

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? Probably

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? No

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Always

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? Idk what my favorite date was. Probably just get a meal

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

What is the reason you’re still alive? Luck, probably

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yes, the partner’s. And an airbnb

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? Not usually

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) Probably

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Not that I recall

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Tired, thought about my covid shot

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Yes

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yes

Would you date someone with a physical disability? Depends what it is

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I hope the fuck not

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Tried to get a red ombre but it didn’t really take

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My boyfriend

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? Lol no

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? Sometimes, mostly with my boyfriend. I like AmITheAsshole, AnimalsBeingJerks, and HoldMyCosmo

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? I was a flower girl in my uncle’s wedding and I think I was something in a babysitter’s wedding

Are your parents in good health? Probably about average for their age

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? No

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? Maybe my purple checked ones

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? Not really, other than some disney character ones from when I was a kid

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? Headache or period cramps

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Spiders but both

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? I tried a halloween themed set once

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? I guess native american? idk

#survey

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one-hell-of-a-manic-girl · 4 years ago

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I was officially diagnosed with rheumatism (autoimmune, not degenerative). I'm fucking devastated.

I mean, I know that I kinda had something like that since I was 12 or so, but it's never affected me much. Sometimes my knee or my shoulder would hurt and I thought okay, no big deal, no need to go to the doctor's - admittedly that I don't like going to the doctor anyway, unless I'm kinda like dying or something - but during the past two months, my body decided to become my own, personal living hell.

The inflammation started to spread slowly from my shoulders to my ellbows down to my wrists and at some point even my left thumb fucking ached. Other than my knees, it "only" spread to my right hip, which is terrible enough when you are a side sleeper - and I really like sleeping on my right side. =.=

I reached the point at which not even ibuprofen or voltaren helped in any way - both of which you shouldn't be taking longer than three days anyway bc it seriously fucks up your stomach and bowel and weakens your immune system further which is under attack already - but the pain got so bad that I couldn't sleep anymore or do anything like watering my plants bc my arms hurt so much. For two days, even my thyroid hurt due to the inflammation. The only thing that helped at least a bit was cooling my burning joints with cold packs wrapped in a thin piece of cloth.

Obviously, I should've visited the doctor much earlier, i. e. the moment my knee was in pain. However, I really didn't want to have cortisone injected and still don't want it tbh... Plus, I was like 12 or 13, like hell I cared back then.

In case you start suffering from joint inflammation: Go to the doctor's AT ONCE!! Don't wait until the inflammation spreads to both sides of your body to avoid as much damage as possible. Even though you'll be treated with medication that eases your pain and symptoms (rheumatism cannot be cured though), the damage that was already done to your joints cannot be reversed.

I know, I hesitated bc of cortisone treatment, but you can, should and have to talk to your doctor. They need to refer you to a rheumatologist and you can explain to them that you only accept cortisone in worst cases. They should diagnose your type of rheumatism and treat you with the respective and suitable medication and not with random shit that might fuck up your body with unnecessary side effects.

As I said, in my case, I'm like reeeaaally late, because the inflammation spread to quite a lot of joints. I can still treat it, but it's going to take a while to reduce the affects.

What can I do though? Well, as I said, I don't like relying on painkillers at all since they are very, very damaging to your body - in case you didn't know, voltaren pills are even worse than ibuprofen. So, what to do?

I changed my diet to paleo again. In the past two years, I ate pizza and bread again and loads of other crap, even though I knew how extremely good I was feeling with paleo before. However, I was suffering from a very depressive episode and the mere thought of having to pay attention to what I'm eating was already quite exhausting. The side effect was that I gained a whopping 40kg, which really didn't help in battling my depression. Lol! Even without exercising at the moment - I'm still not very motivated tbh, but I recently started slowly with a few pushups just for fun and to get accustomed to it again - I lost 8kg already. Ah, I love paleo so much and I'm so happy that I managed to adapt my diet again. Btw, you can change your paleo diet as per your needs, i. e. there are special diet plans for different autoimmune diseases, for losing weight more effectively and so on. Despite being diagnosed with rheumatism I don't think that I'm ready for radical paleo autoimmune disease plans bc I barely managed to control my cravings for chocolate to a point at which I can stop eating bananas. Lol!! I should really tell you more about paleo and why I'm so convinced of its principles, but that's it for now.

Speaking of exercise: I used to do bodyweight/HIIT in combination with Pilatus. I wouldn't recommend HIIT until you managed to "control" your appetite since you're burning a vast amount of calories in only 20 or 30 minutes. I did it while I was off paleo and was eating more than ever before, so that really backfired. Lmao I've heard that there are special stretching and other exercises for rheumatism, got to check that, too.

I've heard of some of my sister's colleagues who are suffering from rheumatism as well (all of us no older than 30 btw...). They mix a special drink called golden milk. Now you can see how I'm really not into trends or spending much time on the internet bc I just looked it up to check how it's called in English only to learn that it's some sort of trendy super food and not a special drink for rheumatism. Lmao! Well, the point is that it really seems to help them with their inflammation pain, so I'll try that, too. My bf is also into mixing aromatic oils and we learnt that rosemary, mint and especially an herb called arnica can help ease the inflammation. As you can see, I ALWAYS prefer diet, exercise and "household remedies" over any painkillers of any kind - as long as possible, I don't think that I'll be able to avoid it entirely.

So yeah, my own body is attacking me. It's kinda sad, really. Most of the time, I really love my body, despite having gained so much weight (which is my mistake though and not that of my body, lol). But having been diagnosed with rheumatism (and I'm suffering from other shit like neurodermatitis as well) really caused some hatred towards my body for attacking me for such a long time. Rheumatism can have other side effects, you know, like migraine, fatigue and stuff and I realized that it was due to this autoimmune disease that I was "weak", sensitive and prone to other diseases. I've suffered so much from all of this, from the migraine episodes, from countless times I had sinusitis or having a cold many times per year more often than average and especially from the damn fatigue that it really made me mad that only one autoimmune disease is probably responsible for all of this.

However, my bf recently told me that I shouldn't hate my body, but have some compassion bc my body doesn't WANT to attack me, it's just not capable of recognizing me anymore and very confused and tries to do its job even though it's the wrong direction. That was so moving that I really changed my mind and now am more at peace with my body.

Well, long story short, I hope I'll learn to cope with this disease and that this blog post will help others, too. I might keep you posted on this, but I'll definitely post something about paleo once in a while. :P

#rheumatoiddisease #rheumatoid arthritis #rheumatism #rheumatology #arthritis #inflammation #inflammatory disease #autoimmune disorder #autoimmunehealth #paleo #nutrition #exercise #bodyweighttraining #hiit #pilatus

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mummybear · 5 years ago

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Get To Know Me Game

I was tagged by @princessmisery666 - Thank you for the tag lovely :) P.s sorry if my tags aren’t working tumblr is being a doof.....

Rule is to tag 21 people you wanna get to know better.

Nickname: Okay so we have..... Bun, Chel, Chels, Chelsea Bun, Smelsey - Courtesy of my delightful sister oh and of course - Cock womble - courtesy of @deanwanddamons Thank you for that one Sian :P

Real name: Chelsea

Zodiac: Leo :)

Favourite musicians or bands: So basically if i were to put them all i would be here forever.... so I’ll just stick to a few.... Ed Sheeran, Fall Out Boy, Demi Lovato, Michael Jackson, Pink, Rihanna, Blue, Carrie Underwood, Usher, Christina Aguilera, Little Mix, Maroon 5, Shawn Mendes, Tori Kelly, Adele, Ne-yo, Jason Derulo, Evanescence, Eminem, McFly, Lonely Island, Anastacia, Shania Twain, Kelly Clarkson.... As i said i could go on hahaha

Favorite sports team: Don’t really do sports full stop honestly i cannot stand them in anyway shape or form

Other blogs: Just this one!

Do I get asks: From a couple of mutuals, but other than that no.

How many blogs do I follow: Not as many as i used to.... 180 something i think

Tumblr crushes: Now this is gonna be another long one..... @holyhellpit @dylanholyhellobrien My girl Michelle we clicked so many years ago now and i love you still to this day one of my favourite people. @deanwanddamons My girl we haven’t been talking that long but we became good friends really fast and i love you loads! :P @negans-lucille-tblr So happy we started talking! Even if it hasn’t been for too long, we got on straight away and i love it! i did totally fan girl as well! haha :P you’re awesome though babe and now the conversations Sian you and I have are down right legendary. @lettersofwrittencollective @stiles-o-dylan24 @nicole-lynne @mrs-mitch-rapp93 Talking to you girls is always amazing! and you’ve always been there for me with all of our Dylan and Dean chat! :) Nat, Ellie, Nicole, and of course Val, love you little stunners so much!! @22sarah08 You are so freaking sweet and i couldn’t not mention you my lovely! Always checking in on me and worrying about me! Love to you as well!! Last but certainly not least @screamxqueenx94 Brooklyn! I love you! You’re so strong and amazing! And every single one of you are incredibly talented and i feel proud to be able to call you my friends i am a little in pain right now so I apologise if most of this makes no sense ;)

Lucky numbers: 3

What am I wearing: Fluffy Socks, My Dean Winchester is my hero plaid pj bottoms and supernatural top ..... yes sorry guys i am really that obsessed haha

Dream vacation: Anywhere really..... maybe Canada family connections and all

Dream car: Not sure my dream car would be any good for my kids but gotta be boring and say a lambo or a Ferrari

Favorite food: Pizza, chocolate and crisps and fruit if i could eat it lol

Drink of choice: Pepsi max cherry or Dr Pepper

Instruments: I play none lol

Languages: English.

Celebrity crushes: Jesus hahaha am i ever gonna post this here we go then.... Jensen Ackles, Dylan O’brien, Ian Somerhalder, Ryan Reynolds, Emeraude Toubia, Claire Holt, Anna Kendrick, Adam Levine, Mila Kunis, Chris Hemsworth, Zac Effron mainly in hairspray haha imma stop now :P

Random facts: I just had my thyroid removed so that was fun.... and i have two little kiddies who i’m mad about. And I am obsessed with Wispa gold (the chocolate lol)

(Sorry i know some of you ladies may have done already) My tags: @deanwanddamons @dylanholyhellobrien @negans-lucille-tblr @lettersofwrittencollective @holyhellpit @stiles-o-dylan24 @22sarah08 @littlegreenplasticsoldier @nicole-lynne @holylulusworld @kittenofdoomage @impala-dreamer @beka-dreamer @there-must-be-a-lock @thoughtslikeaminefield @mrswhozeewhatsis @mrs-mitch-rapp93 @mrscutiefandobhaz @writingsbychlo @emichelle @rockhoochie

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plusperfect · 5 years ago

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13/3/20

Hello again...

I’m sorry I’ve been away a long time. I feel like every post I post on here recently is an apology....

To those who have stuck around thank you! And to those who have followed me recently, I’m sorry I haven’t been as exciting a blog as you expected.

I have always been quite upfront about all my struggles on here, from my yoyoing weight, my mental health, and even my past struggles. So I’m going to continue to be upfront.

This is very long and not very positive so please feel free to ignore it.

I have been very ill recently. And I have spent a lot of it in a bad place mentally. I was and still am scared. I’ve mentioned before that I have a thyroid condition. It’s an autoimmune condition called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. It’s not really rare, I know a lot of people with compromised thyroids. However recently I have been struggling with the symptoms. I have been tired, depressed, aggressive, confused, forgetful, upset. I have suffered with dramatic weight gain over a short period of time, I have had heart palpitations regularly, blurry vision, headaches, aches in all of my joints, pins and needles in my limbs, chest pain and constant feeling of fluid on my lungs. I have been so stressed about finding work, while simultaneously barely being able to get out of bed some days. I have been hating myself and beating myself up for being weak, lazy, stupid for not trying harder....

Today I started medication. Today. Not 2 years ago when I first found out, not last year when I moved back to England. Not even when my blood work showed that I urgently required surgery to have my whole thyroid removed to stop me getting heart disease, decreased lung capacity, cancer or myxedema... in fact my dr didn’t even think to bring it up at all.... it was 3 months later when I had gotten so bad that I requested my own medical records, that I saw that my levels were 21 times HIGHER than the MAXIMUM limit of regular thyroid function and BEGGED my dr to put me on some sort of medication.

So today I started my medication. One that I will need to take for the rest of my life. It scares me. I can’t explain why and I don’t think less of anyone else who has medication they need to take regularly, but personally it upsets me because I have never been “normal” and “healthy” but I’ve always worked really hard to try and be, and in my mind this has ruined that.

I see all of my friends posting stuff about the coronavirus and saying “lol why is everyone freaking out, it’s only people who are old or weak that are gonna die from it” and I want to shout at them that I AM one of those people who are immunocompromised and that we exist and are young people too. But at the same time I don’t want to tell anyone because I’m scared they’ll laugh or judge me or treat me differently. I already have to deal with the snide remarks from my in laws, the side eyes I get when I mention another thing I cannot do because of my health. I have to deal with the comments from my own parents telling me to shut up and everyone has issues. I have to deal with it from my fiancé who for all the good things he does cannot understand why some days I can’t even cook dinner for him when I’ve been in bed all day and he’s been at work. It hurts me. And it breaks me. And everyday I hate myself more because I’m slipping further and further away from who I used to be.

So this is why I’ve not been on here much. I’ve mostly just been myself with my thoughts trying to focus them elsewhere so my mental health doesn’t decline as rapidly as my physical health.

I have made a vision board. I have reached out to a group of people who are a community of people with autoimmune conditions and they are so lovely and help me see the funny side of it to. I have been getting fresh air and sunshine daily (even if I don’t leave my flat). And I worked up the energy and courage to brave London to go to a job interview, and although everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong I somehow got the job. I am going on holiday in a week to visit my fiancé’s dad and step mum and honestly his step mum is my saving grace. She is such a lovely person and has promised me lots of TLC when we get out there because she noticed I was upset when they last phoned.

Like I said. I am struggling. And I am scared. But I am also hopeful.

Things will get better. And I am strong enough to overcome this.

If you got this far and read the whole thing thank you so much and I appreciate you! And any of my lovely followers I want you to know that if you are struggling please please please reach out. You are never alone xx

#fitblr #plus size fitblr #healthy #healthy lifestyle #march 2020 #thyroid #hashimotos disease #depression #illness #autoimmune disorder #struggle

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janewaykove · 5 years ago

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MS: Primary doc

Went to the doctor today. She’s so nice, listens to everything I say, laughs, jokes with me, etc. She was training an intern guy so I had 2 people checking my heart at the same time, lol! I learned I cannot pee in a cup (I managed a couple drops) no matter how hard I try and how much I have to pee at the time. My previous bloodwork had a couple slightly high results (MCV and Chloride) but she said it was okay. Kidneys and liver are fine.

She was more than happy to fill out the paperwork for my disability and said going to a therapist would really help, said she knew some good people, but she didn’t push me on it. I was in there for about an hour. Gave some blood to test thyroid levels and B12. Went to get some fries at Five Guys. Rained on the way to the doc but cleared up by the time we left.

I cut back on my caffeine intake. Add the rain, that time of the month coming up, cutting back on Lexapro and not drinking enough fluids and my head is unhappy with me, lol! Vision is super blurry the last two days. I slept all yesterday, all last night except an hour. Skipped a nap tonight though. Last 2 days have been pretty hard mobility-wise so hopefully that gets better.

#multiple sclerosis #ms sucks #ms #chronic illness #personal

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ausimosa · 5 years ago

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6 week PP appts today!

That flew by!

I stacked my Endocrinologist appt as well. We shall see if my Thyroid is back to normal post pregnancy!

I also met a Momma of 4 at Jiu Jitsu pick up. Ages: 7, 4, 2 and 7 months. It reminded me of my Mom with us when we were little. My mom was 22 with 4 kids people!!! Ian and her eldest have class together. We talked about the craziness that it is having more than 2 kids in Da City and how much we love it! She asked if I was done... and I have learned that I’m not. Husband is! So I have to start accepting it because Isaac is a miracle of its own kind. Besides my anxiety about another second trimester loss, he really was a smooth pregnancy. It was a good run, but we both have to be on board... these babies take two to tango. I don’t have to have a bad pregnancy to say I’m done, but I cannot just close that door unless someone gets snipped and he is working on that. J is also an only child and an only grandchild... I get it, this is a LOT. I could do two more and will probably have to stop working or work from home... Call me crazy but that’s how I feel. 🤷🏻‍♀️ What’s there not to love people about these chirren! Life is funny that way—and I blame my hypefertility/infertility/endocrine issues/bicornuate uterus issues with all my rainbow babies for feeling this way! For now I’ll concentrate on getting my strength back and losing the last 12lbs of the 30lbs I put on since I found I got preggy with Isaac. I tell you all the sweats sure help a lot! Lol! Nursing doesn’t help me she’d lbs ... so my goal is to eat clean and stay consistent to avoid affecting my supply!

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timeforbeing · 6 years ago

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Follow up from my last stressed out rant about a week ago: it's not all that bad I guess lol. Had a rather good weekend with both my partners and a fun recording day with my choir. Lake seems to be through their most recent rough teething and sleep period (so I'm getting slightly better quality sleep again), and in general they're brightening my days and amazing us all with how sweet and smart and strong they are.

I've acknowledged that the stress is situational - so, perfectly valid and temporary - and exacerbated by my usual hormonal cycle stuff. The recent difference being that my cycle is more irregular than ever due to nursing, so the brief PMDD-like mood drops I get have been more unpredictable, frequent, and confusing. My mood is normal otherwise; my life stressors just really suck right now :/

The fatigue (& low energy, poor focus, dizziness, lethargy, etc.) is still a frustrating mystery. Got most recent blood results back and, as always, none of the usual suspects like iron, vitamin d, thyroid problems came up. So whyyyyy am I so constantly fatigued and weak like I have some sort of deficiency in something? Oh, also I'm having a nasty LPR flare, maybe because of all the singing on the weekend.

Anyway, because of those results not showing anything obvious that was physical, GP encouraged me to consider antidepressants and I somehow left with a prescription for paroxetine (it's one of the safest when nursing)... but as soon as I got home I regretted letting her convince me, especially with a SSRI. When I tried SSRIs in my late teens I said never again. I cannot tolerate the side effects. TMI or whatever, but just reading again how common anorgasmia is freaks me the fuck out. Thanks to trauma stuff, feeling numb/dissociated and finding it hard to come with partners has been a massive struggle my entire partnered sexual life, and it's only in the last couple of years and with my current partner that I've made the most progress and had the most consistently embodied and satisfying experiences. So obviously I don't want to recklessly chuck a fucking SSRI on top of that lifelong pile of shame/inferiority/frustration/envy/brokenness that I am very much still working through.

So yeah... I have a box of paroxetine I'm not gonna use now if anyone needs a stockpile for Brexit or whatever *shrug*

But yeah, I feel well enough to just try and cope with things as I have been doing without specific interventions? I know if I can just get that course acceptance, and get past the student finance and moving house admin that is currently stressing me out so badly, it'll be fine.

Just right now I reeeeaaally want to scream and give up on the whole studying + having money + having a place to live thing. It's too much, there have been too many delays, and there are too many other people involved for/on whom I have to wait/rely for *their* bits of admin. That's the most frustrating part tbh? Other people not being as organised as me/not working to my internal deadlines. I can't stand the uncertainty and having to communicate with others to get my own Very Important Shit done. Ah! There's the autism - wondered how that factored in to all this :p

#doctors mention //#medication mention //#babies mention //#medical ?#mental illness ?

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curvesandtigerstripes · 7 years ago

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Year End Reflections (No, I'm not dead)

This year... hasn't been an easy one.

At the beginning of this year, I found out that my body wasn't working right. It was a relief, because I had felt for a while that things weren't right, but it was also scary, and upsetting, and overwhelming. Fast forward to the end of the year, and while some things have gotten better, we still don't have my Graves Disease under control. According to my doctor, if upping my medication for the third time doesn't help, we may have to look into killing my thyroid altogether with radioactive iodine, making me hypo for the rest of my life. I've known this was a possibility from the moment I was diagnosed, but I had been hoping that if it came to that, it would be my choice, not something I'd be forced to do.

I haven't tried to stay healthy in all this, even thoough with my health on the line, it would totally make sense to. I've been stressed, I've reverted to old habits, and consequently I've gained... much more weight than I would have preferred. I'm not where I started, but I've gained back at least half of what I've lost. And part of me hates myself for it, but another part of me is just trying to remind myself that I need to love and forgive myself, because that's the first step to being genuinely happy with myself again.

So, this year has been... a bit of a dumpster fire. Yes, there have been good things - I got to go to JAPAN, for god's sake, and that was fucking amazing - but it feels like everything outside of that has been a bit of a wash. But I'm ready to make a change. I'm ready to start over, so to speak. I'm ready to love myself again. And if I'm honest, I'm not sure if that means I'm ready to be back on here 110%, because I know it's gonna be hard, and I know I'm gonna slip up, and I have a really hard time feeling guilty when I do, like I'm letting people down. But I will try to check in, I will try to be more present.

I will learn to love myself again. That is my goal for 2018.

I'd also like to connect with people on here again, because while I myself haven't been super active, I log in multiple times every day and read so many stories y'all share, and I'm rooting for you, even when I don't say anything at all. So for that reason, I'd like to give a few shoutouts to the people I've been following, who have inspired me, who I've been silently cheering for. I hope y'all see this; if you don't, it's not a big deal, but I do hope you know how much you mean to me (and I'm sure to a lot of other people in this community).

@fatmaninalittlesuit - Dude, I don't even know what to say. I've followed you for years and you have always been such an inspiration, but this year you have absolutely killed it. You've worked so hard, and it's paid off tremendous dividends. I saw your ten selfies of 2017 post today and literally said out loud, "Holy shit, John, you don't even look like the same person - you look awesome!!" You look happy, you look strong, and you always have kind words of encouragement to share with us. Thank you for all you do in this community, and may your 2018 be rad as fuck.

@curvymommy70 - You have been so sweet to me. It seems like every time I've made a post complaining for crying about my circumstances, you've always been there to pat me on the back and reassure me things would be okay. You have been a rock for me in this community throughout the year, and I don't feel like I've done enough to convey how much I appreciate you. Thank you so much for everything, and I cannot wait to see what 2018 brings you (I hope it's only good things). :)

@plussizeadventure - I haven't really said two words to you, but I followed you earlier this year and I'm so glad I did. I know 2017 has been shitty for you too, but I can't tell you how much I love seeing your smiling face on my dash. You are funny, and smart, and determined as hell, and I find myself cheering you on in the face of your challenges, whether it's shitty advisors or cancer. The fact that you can still smile at the end of the day puts things in perspective for me, and if you can find things to smile about, then I sure as hell can too. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story with us - I know I don't always talk often, but I am always rooting for you!!

@mystoryfortheaudienceoftheworld - Another person who I only just started following this year, and now I look back and ask why??? You are such a delight, I love seeing your smile, your passion for life, even when things are rough, and your dancing gifs and videos make me wanna get up and shake it too! You are Hayden are PRECIOUS together, and I am so happy for the next phase of life you two get to embark on. I love seeing you on my dash. Also - and I hope this isn't too weird - you're only about four-ish hours away from me and I wanna be like, let's get brunch sometime! I feel like that would be an awesome meal. :)

@sweetiefiend - I know we haven't chatted in a hot minute, and I'm not in the GG fandom like I used to be, but I just love seeing you on my dash. You are gorgeous and kind and encouraging, and it seems like you've always reached out to me when I needed it the most. Thank you for that, and I hope 2018 is fucking awesome for you.

@sahraylia - My wifey until I die~~ You are always there for me, you are encouraging, kind, loving, patient, and you're not afraid to call me out when I need it - all of which I love you for so, so much. I hope I can be as supportive to you as you've always been for me. You always encourage me to be myself, especially when I need the reminder, and I can never express to you how much that means to me. I love you so, so much, and I hope 2018 is better than your 2017 was. <3

@dysfunctionalkitsune - I'm gonna see you tonight, it's probably inane to but this here, but girl. I am so grateful for you in my life. I never would have guessed all those years ago when we met in middle school that we'd be as close as we are now, but I am so glad we are. You are the fire that keeps me going, keeps me pursuing my dreams, even when I fall off the wagon multiple times per week. You helped us get to Japan this year, you always take me on fun adventures, your thirst for excitement and life is contagious and I'm so glad I know you for it. Having you as a friend means life is never boring, and I love that. I love you so much, and I can't wait to see where our next adventure takes us!

@starfieldeyes - I don't even know what to say to you, because words seem meaningless. You have been there for me in my worst times, when I sobbed on the phone, when I felt like everything was lost. You've been there to lift me up, wipe my tears, and sometimes slap me in the face and tell me to get over myself - all from hundreds of miles away. You always seem to know what I need when I need it, and I literally cannot express how much I love you & how lucky I am to have you in my life. The college we met at was not a good match for either of us, but I will always be grateful that I met you (and Brittany) there, and I wouldn't change a thing about going there if it means I get to have you both in my life. Thank you. I love you.

@mynameisbirdie - I feel like putting a shoutout here is silly, because you're my sister and all, but I don't know if I tell you enough how much you mean to me. You have become one of my very best friends, and I'm so happy that we are as close as we are. I'm so grateful that I can literally tell you anything and I know you won't judge me. I love that we share our interests with each other and drag each other down into our respective fandoms, I love that we laugh over rip vine compilations and quote John Mulaney to each other, I love everything about us and our relationship. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you so much.

I know there are people that I'm missing, but this has gone on too long already, lol. Here's hoping for a better 2018 than 2017 - for myself, for all my followers, and to whoever might be reading this right now. Let's make 2018 our bitch.

#personal update #irl things #year end reflections #fatmaninalittlesuit #mystoryfortheaudienceoftheworld #plussizeadventure #curvymommy70 #sweetiefiend #dysfunctionalkitsune #sahraylia #starfieldeyes #mynameisbirdie #fitblr #self love

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not-poignant · 7 years ago

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CANCER UPDATE:

I am actually sick with a cold at the moment. *thumbs up* This is the virus that never ends. It seemed like I was starting to turn a corner, and then it was like 'haha no, here's the sequel!' I'm unimpressed. Just imagine me staring into the camera like I'm in The Office.

A quick summary for those new to the game: I have the SDHD gene fault, also known as Hereditary PGL PCC, which is a hereditary genetic neuroendocrine cancer disease (the most inheritable genetic cancer disease in the world along with the other SDH~ faults). For me, it causes tumours called paragangliomas to grow primarily in the head/neck. I think of them as koalas clinging to my nerves and arteries.

I have a 50% chance of metastasis at any point, and this disease is incurable. I grew a very rare form of tumour called a carotid body paraganglioma at 18 that was removed. Now, at 35, I have three paragangliomas - a glomus vagale para (the rarest type, at a 1 in 5 million occurrence rate) called Thelma, a carotid body para called Louise and a glomus tympanicum or glomus jugulare para called Caramello that's currently too small to be seen on MRI, but has been spotted on the PET scan. I am very good at growing these paragangliomas and my ENT surgeon called me a ‘tumour machine’ and I call myself a ‘tumour incubation factory.’ Managing my case are: an Endocrinologist, a Radiation Oncologist, an ENT Surgeon, a Vascular Surgeon and a Neurosurgeon. (Or as I like to call them, a boy band).

(The rest under a Read More cuz there’s a lot).

It's been an interesting few days. Despite making noises about cancelling and rescheduling (Monday - Radiation Oncologist, Tuesday - ENT Surgeon, Wednesday - Neurosurgeon), I did manage to keep all of my appointments. So here's the deal:

I'm leaning towards choosing stereotactic radiosurgery (Cyberknife specifically) as the first and major line of treatment. This does not shrink the tumours, it doesn't make the tumours disappear, all it does - if it works - is make the tumours stop growing. Random fact for you, only 40,000~ people in the world have had Cyberknife radiosurgery! The only Cyberknife machine in Australia is here in Perth. It's similar but not quite the same as Gamma Knife radiosurgery.

The risks/side effects for low dose radiation to the head and neck, while still significant, are still way lower than what Dr. S helpfully called a surgery with 'high high morbidity.' The most promising risk is that there's less than a 1% chance of damage to the cranial nerves 9-12, and that any damage is likely to be temporary anyway. Dr. H (Radiation Oncologist) has seen about 20-30 patients with paragangliomas over a significant breadth of his career (more than any of my surgeons), and so he could report with some confidence on the kinds of side effects I could expect.

Obviously, the main side effect to radiation therapy is of course the chances of developing another form of cancer. I'm not one of those people who goes 'it's evil, it's poison.' I'm one of those people who goes: 'look, this is how sick I am, this is my best option, let's be realistic here.' Dr. H was very honest about this, and he said the biggest risk for me is thyroid cancer, because the carotid body paraganglioma is very near the thyroid. He even asked if I could get the carotid body para removed via surgery (I cannot for reasons relating to the internal carotid artery).

Even developing thyroid cancer is still a way lower quality of life risk than having the surgery, honestly. Especially since it's one of the more treatable forms of cancer, and I'll be under intense imaging surveillance for the rest of my life. They'll know, lol. To be honest, just having the genetic form of this disease and having recurring paragangliomas puts me at 50% risk of metastasis at any point of my life - the risk of radiosurgery giving me another form of cancer is actually WAY LOWER than just my...disease giving it to me randomly, for fun.

I've talked with a few other patients who have glomus vagale paragangliomas in particular, and all of them have recommended Gamma Knife or Cyberknife radiosurgery over 'lets open your whole head up' surgery. Those who've had the surgery, sometimes regretted getting it so soon, or talk about how many options there are now, citing such post-surgery affects like - total and irreversible loss of voice, stroke, suffocating/choking and vomiting every day, inabilities to swallow, and in one person, total baroreceptor failure (i.e. dangerous, life-threatening blood pressure spikes, followed by fainting from dangerously low blood pressure, many times a week - this is often highly unmanageable).

It does mean sort of readjusting how I'm thinking about these tumours. Instead of something to be evicted as soon as possible, I need to mentally wrap my head around the fact that I will likely have these tumours forever. These koalas are on the road with me now, and just permanent parasites that live off my blood, my resources, and generally don't do very much. Spiritually, I've been contemplating how well so much of nature tends to deal with parasites, or if not 'well' - it certainly tries to deal with them, and sometimes not through the process of elimination, so much as just...adjusting. Trees with their galls, still flowering year after year, and whole ecosystems that make it work. If anything, this situation makes me realise that the ecosystem of my body is much closer to those in nature that I respect, more than I've sometimes realised in the past.

We're in no rush to do radiosurgery. Right now, I have no major symptoms from the tumours, and both radiosurgery and surgery present side effects that are significant. So why do either? While it's much 'lesser' for me to be dealing with swollen ear canals, or likely losing my sense of taste for a couple of months etc. that's still...something I'm not dealing with right now and therefore, don't have to. Dr. H said it was all about the right timing, and that's what this journey is about now - the right timing for treatment/s.

Imaging in MRIs now show that the glomus vagale paraganglioma is currently not growing (YAY), and the carotid body paraganglioma has grown about a millimetre in a 6 month period. But Dr. H, the Radiation Oncologist, wants to wait to establish a definitive growth pattern before treatment. Basically, when we can start seeing signs of definitive growth, we'll treat them.

They won't get treated at the same time. In all likelihood I'll have one bout of Cyberknife/radiation for the carotid body first, possibly as soon as next year depending on how fast it's growing, and then I'll have another bout of Cyberknife/radiation for the glomus vagale when it starts growing or I start showing symptoms.

The third tumour - called Caramello - is likely a glomus tympanicum or glomus jugulare, is too small to be seen on MRI and we're leaving that alone for now. The most common side effect for that one is tinnitus and deafness.

I see Dr. W - my Endocrinologist - to confirm all of this in September. And then I will do nothing until 2018, where I'll get some more imaging done to look at growth rates (unless of course I start showing characteristic symptoms of the tumours, but so far, so good.)

Dr. S reminded me yesterday - after looking through my art journal and all of us, with the student doctor, having a good chat - I can always get the surgery in the future. I have options. There's a certain measure of stress that comes with living with tumours that can metastasise at any point, for the rest of my life. There's a certain measure of anxiety that comes from knowing I could grow more, knowing that I'm not someone 'rushing to get rid of cancer' so much as just...working on a chess board to stop it from ruining my quality of life, which is what matters most, of course.

Now, we wait for the tumours to make their next move, and then we parry and riposte - in hopefully a few years, and on it will go, until they win. Sometimes I think of it as 'death in slow motion.' But aren't we all dying in slow motion? So that's neither here nor there.

I've never been great at strategy, but I have some of the best doctors in the country on my side, helping me out, and I have a lot of faith in their care and their knowledge. More than anything, I also really respect how much faith they have in me and my knowledge. They all respect my own research, my thoughts, and Dr. Neurosurgeon today even said I came across as very philosophical. I expressed confusion at that, and he pointed out that most other patients in a similar situation would probably not seem as calm or cheerful.

But clearly he just hasn't caught me on a bad day. ;)

In the meantime, this is the last official cancer update for a few months I expect, unless Dr. W disagrees with my choice to privilege radiosurgery over surgery (he won't - given he pointed me in that direction in the first place). Hope you're all doing great, and as always, feel free to ask any questions since I can never explain everything properly in these (huge) posts anyway.

#cancer #hereditary pgl pcc #sdhd gene fault #personal #when i'm not writing i'm going to doctor's appointments #and rolling around trying to figure out how the hell i'm supposed to live with this #since it goes against society's main cancer rhetoric #which looks something like 'gettitoutofme'#ah well #i've never walked much of a mainstream path anyway

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