#this cannot be good for my mental health
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I don’t know why exactly but I just can’t seem to pick up ANY book that doesn’t have an emotionally unstable/ morally grey girl as the main character
#this cannot be good for my mental health#book gods please help me#play it as it lays#the poppy war#the young elites#normal people#i can honestly go on forever
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Why did I get into this evil sport again
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not even 4pm yet and the sky is already starting to get dark!!
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you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
#writeblr#warm up#my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky#i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles#yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help#for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT#and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen#than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say#''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help#i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't#actually offer fair support to everyone#we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help#bc i DID have it better than other people#and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn#instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself
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they are SILLY!!! and CUTE!!! and UNDERRATED!!! that is all!!! 💛💚
#NOTTT enough lemonlime content in this world i had to do my part....i've been thinking about them muchly. for aauuhhm. reasons.#i really could go on about their dynamic friendship whatever forever though...easily one of my favorites. the sillies!!!#anyways you ever like. NEED to get something out of your system or you Cannot draw anything else. that was me with these good Lord#inside out 2#inside out#inside out joy#inside out disgust#joygust#joy x disgust#lemonlime#inside out fandom#sketchbook#OKAY i still have an exam tomorrow i need to study for GOODBYEEEE....i just needed to be insane for a minute. for my mental health
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my sirius & harry thought of the day:
harry kept that firebolt alive for all 137 years of his remaining life through sheer willpower and magical strength. he did not let a single twig of it die off. not only was he absolutely unhinged about taking care of it, not letting anyone near it after 5th year, but he also basically single-handedly reinvented the field of broom-crafting just so he could keep his godfather’s gift to him alive. he didn’t do anything with this skill, basically driving everywhere who knew him spare bc !!! ‘harry do u know what u just did? most brooms don’t last over 6-7 years, not even a fraction of that if used at the pace and frequency as u. if u could just—‘
and he just flat out shuts them up bc how does he tell them that the reason his firebolt is still alive is bc sirius’ love runs thru it and harry would die himself before he let it bc he can’t lose the last piece of sirius he has left. he cannot perform this miracle on any other broom, tho he can probably make the single best non-sirius-gifted broom that the WW has ever seen just bc of how extensive his knowledge is now
and the thing, right, is he doesn’t keep the firebolt locked up in some display like some artefact. sirius would’ve never wanted that. his dad would’ve hated it. brooms were meant to be flown. so fly, he does. wonderfully. it’s forever his primary broom and he puts it thru all the paces, keeping up with all sorts of newer, flashier, pro models w utter ease.
it’s like this: when he uses this firebolt, it feels like perhaps he has his godfather back for just a second. and harry is forever weak to that feeling.
#sirius black#harry potter#good godfather sirius black#haven’t been here in a. while huh#s&h my beloved <3#there’s just something. about sirius gifting harry his first and last broom.#that makes me go feral#i need harry to be unhealthily attached to his broom#it’s a problem. like a legit mental health one#but he doesn’t know how to move on from it#he spends hours polishing that thing and grooming the bristles or stuff#or wtv*#the only other person who got to touch it was james sirius#for obvious reasons#never w/o supervision tho harry is not that hinged yet#or ever#his kids know this is one line they cannot cross w their father#not bc he gets angry. but bc he gets unbearably sad#and they all know about papa sirius#this hc is becoming yet another rabbit hole so i’m gonna pull the breaks#but this is yet again making me realise how much i love next gen#the potter babies are just!!!#and dad harry is lovely#ok yah that’s it#pen’s notes
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I was just scribbling A Hug because I'm trying to practice drawing multiple people at once (in one space) but somehow Timkon carved themselves out of the stone
#they probably don't look like timkon bc it was literally sketching BUT that happens#it wasn't intentional#tim is one of my blorbos so if he gets drawn he gets drawn#art#sketch#fanart#digital art#batfam#tim drake#kon el kent#timkon#I'm on my batman shit a little bit atm which is fun for me but terrible for my mental health#as an adult I've gotten fairly good at balancing hyperfixations and Real Life but superhero stuff always....#idk man it rly consumes me!#the double life!#the literal and figurative masking!#the relationships that cannot be detangled from trauma#!#forgot the ! to make it lighthearted HAHAHAHA#also why the HECK is drawing the back of a person's head SO HARD
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ships .. (ocarina of time/majora's mask) link/reader, fierce deity/reader.
content .. the boys (separately) with a reader who feeds them well, and the fruits of their loving labor.
warnings .. unedited. no pronouns used (you/your). reader is implied to have more meat on their bones (vaguely). reader is in their housespouse era and they aren't even married (legally). non-graphic vomit and forgetting to eat mentioned (link). link and fierce deity are taller than reader. fierce deity is named aram for writings sake. reader is implied to be a god of sorts (fierce deity). fierce deity is literally my oc at this point.
notes .. my schnookums thought they could have big cheeks and get away from me? my cutie patooties thought that i wouldn't write about them eating right? my pookie bears thought that i wouldn't fulfill my duties as their #1? my baby faced sweethearts thought i wouldn't spend 2hrs looking for pictures like those? my favorite white boys? my honeybuns? my hollywood stars? my sugarpies?
i'll eat them. omnom
LINK has always been rather thin. That was especially the case when he was a child. Something about a Kokiri child's diet not fitting what a Hylian needed always kept him frail.
When you both were children, he had quickly gotten used to you plucking his arm when it was idle to compare his lack of fat to your surplus.
(He never minded. He always looked forward to being reminded why he put one foot in front of the other every day during his fight against Ganon, or repeated cycle after cycle when it came to Majora.)
(Funnily enough, you had always made fun of him for being shorter than you as a child as well. You always mentioned he needed to drink more milk and eat more cuccos so he'd one day pass you.)
It was when you were able to cook more than simple meals and wouldn't risk burning down your cottage that you would invite (force) Link over more often than you already have.
Link had always tried to limit his visits to when he absolutely needed to. Free food, bed, shelter, care, supplies, clothes, bathes (the list was endless), and whatnot were always appreciated, but he never wanted to become to comfortable lest he wake up one day (or night. Or afternoon. His internal clock was always ruined when it came to sleeping at your cabin) and decide not return to the world outside.
He does his best to turn down any seconds, or thirds, or fourths, or fifths, and so on you may offer him when he does stay long enough for you to finish whatever extravagant meal you made just for him.
Past experiences often make him sick (with trauma or physically) and result in him vomiting his food, but there's always more from you to replace what he had just eaten and the meal before (if he remembered to eat it).
What he can't finish at the table (or on the sofa, or in the bed), he takes with him when he leaves. Link is respectful in all meanings of the word and hates to leave anything to waste.
When it comes to thanks, he either finds ways to help around your cottage or brings back items from new regions for you to cook. Whether it be repairing the busted bathroom door you've been complaining about before fixing your water faucet so the pressure is what you want it to be, or bringing back a spice the Gorons specialize in you've mentioned wanting to try, Link typically feels his gifts fall lackluster when compared to your treatment of him.
(He trusts your skill and creativity enough to know you won't poison him on accident. He never brings back any recipes or instructions either if it's not a dangerous material.)
(He's always excited to try whatever new dish you've concocted, so his only condition is that you wait for his return to cook whatever it is he brought you. "A celebration, of sorts," he calls it.)
A look in a lone puddle had told him his cheeks had gotten fatter. He supposes he now understands why he was refused entry into one of the pubs when he had to retrieve Malon and Cremia's uncle.
He had noticed that the details of his arms were less visible through his shirts when a Goron had pinched one,— not in the same way you did when you were younger— he had mentioned that he had an amount of muscle and fat to be proud of before asking him to join a tournament. Any attempts prior to were quickly shut down.
During a day of horseback archery with the Gerudo, the sweltering sun had gotten to him enough that he had to remove his tunic and the shirt underneath to feel some sort of relief. One of the women who were training him took a look at his stomach and nodded approvingly, mentioning that he should praise his soon-to-be spouse for feeding him so well.
The last nail in the coffin came when he was riding Epona into Castle Town. His tunic felt uncomfortably small and his tights (curse those damned tights) felt as thought they were stretched more across the expanse of his thighs than they usually were.
He's back in your cottage when he finally vocalizes his thoughts, preferring you to any other tailor or seamstress in the country. "I've gotten to big for my clothes," he either sighs or signs to you while eating. His gaze held a thousand yards in them, idly watching his clothes move with the wind.
The tunic, hat, tights, boots hang outside the window on a string connected to your shed. They had to be washed after a (admittedly well-planned— even if they don't think) ambush by a hoard of chu-chus.
You throw a hazy look to them before returning to the bowl you were tirelessly mixing. You were making dinner, he thinks, or maybe it was in preparation for the big breakfast you were making with the variety of bread from the Gerudo he brought back.
You'd already given him a large snack earlier.
The thought makes him look down at the plate in his lap. Every spot of it was filled and piled with bread, and eggs, and meats, and jams. He couldn't see the white bottom of it even as he pushed and prodded around.
He takes a bite of it gratefully.
"I saw you before you left not even three days ago. You fit everything fine enough to me." At some point you had stopped stirring and held the bowl out to him. Link grabs something off the plate and dips it in without a thought, eating it before responding with a hum of approval. "I can make adjustments to then, if you'd like."
You leave the bowl with him before attending to something on the stove.
"Please," he responds, halfway through another bite of the (what he now recognized as) Gerudo bread and cocoa dip you had made. "Different pants would be nice, though. It'd be a nice excuse to finally get rid of those tights." Both tasted sweet by themselves, he realized, but left a calmer aftertaste that he'd like to savor.
"You've always hated the tights," you hum in response, moving from the stove to the coolers that he'd built you after bringing you a large fish that only lived in Zora's Domain. "What would you want to move on to now? Leggings? Shorts?"
Link watches you remove a pitcher from one of the coolers. He isn't sure how long it's been in there (he doesn't even remember watching you make it), but he assumes you took some ice out so the pink liquid wouldn't freeze over into complete ice.
He watches you try to take a cup from one of the cupboards, watching you struggle to grab his favorite one from the higher shelves.
He stands from the chair sat just outside the kitchen (he liked to watch you cook when you had the time), placing the bowl and plate on one of the many cleared counters (you liked to clean as you worked), and grabs the cup for you.
Link lowers his head with his hand when he hands the cup off, head resting upon the crown of yours as he watches you pour the pink liquid into it, idle arms wrapping around your waist as he makes some slick comment about eating enough milk and cuccos for your liking.
You don't elbow him in the stomach like you might have when you were younger and he doesn't hold the cup above your head teasingly like when he was younger to (— then again, he had to climb a counter to get it out of your reach.)
Instead, you wordlessly pass the cup back to him and he wordlessly drinks it despite not knowing what it was.
He likes it, as he does all your works, and notes how it was both sweet and sour. A taste that fills both his childhood need for sweet all the time and his older palate's need for other tastes.
Handing the cup back, Link tilts his head so he can press a kiss to your crown. "Anything you'd think I'd look good in," he finally responds, the flavor of the moment leaving a tooth-achingly sweet taste on his tongue.
ARAM is often humbled in your abode.
He may have acted arrogant to others in his younger years and horrifyingly aloof now that he's a more seasoned god, but he never failed to (willingly) crumble to his knees when in your presence during either times of his life.
He had no need for the sustenance mortals require, prayers and whispers of his name were always good enough for him, but he'd kiss the ground you walk on if it meant you'd bless him with another food you've created (he already does).
Aram is the provider to your fire-lit home, an arrangement the two have been living by for as long as he can remember.
He is the sword to your shield. The arrow to your quiver. The moon to ever burning sun (which he did create for you, after all). The wound for your gauze. The life to your world— and one cannot live peacefully without the other.
Your food had quickly become an addiction to Aram. He'd eat as much as often as he could, giving little response to when questioned why he loves it so much.
("Because it comes from your hands," he once explained hours later when you were sleeping. "Your hands, that create all. That nourish all it touches and replenishes all that is extinct. I am your antithesis, and I must destroy that which I love."
(You never had the heart to ask again.)
He has enough sense to slow his eating around you. One concerned comment about him choking was enough for him to indulge in needless your wishes, but a question regarding its taste had him eating like a mortal.
His relationship with food prior to getting hooked onto yours was brief and filled with obligation. He never ate to feel full, only to make the people he was fighting with shut up and leave him out of whatever conversation they were having.
It never lingered in his stomach like a warm fireplace that others had described it as. It never made him warm and filled with love. It never gave him the energy he needed to keep fighting.
It just went through his digestive tract (why did he even have one?) and disappeared like an heavy smog finally dispersed by a strong gust of wind before he had to fight again.
When a war was over, you always came. You took the battle-shaken soldiers away when it was their time and healed their ailments if they were able to withstand everything. You went through war-stricken cities and set everything as they should have been. You feed and clothe and bandage and sew and reunite and Aram isn't sure why he lingered.
He's seen the effects of what you can do long after you've left. He knows of the good you're capable of doing just as much as he knows the bad he can cause.
He craves your touch when he sees it at its peak. He indulges himself when he sees it first-hand.
Aram understands what the soldiers mean when you beckon him closer and offer him food, uncaring of how he stands tall above all else.
The soup warms his insides. The flavor resides on his tongue hours after he's finished it. His energy, though far from depleted, had made him feel as though he were a youngling again.
He craves more.
The addiction to your presence and your food (and subsequently, you) had started then. It's an event he could easily recall when asked, one he would happily recount to you if you ever forgot where his devotion to you started.
Meeting after a war or battle had become frequent enough that he had finally learned your name; not some silly alias those who followed you often referred to you as. He felt like one of those lovesick children soldiers talk about, tripping over himself and his words.
He's curious to you, an admirer more than a stalker, fortunately. When he wasn't on the battlefront, he was always hovering around as you worked, busying his hands with whatever task you've given him after noticing his lack of mortality.
You treated him well; doing so even after the era of wars were long gone and he was seldom needed. You cared for him as though he were one of the many wounded soldiers with no family to return to once all was done and said— and to an extent, he was.
He's eating when you bring attention to his softer thigh.
You were reading to him, a romantic thriller that held as much of his attention that your captivating voice did. His gaze focused heavily on you, watching as you lick your lips after each page, how your eyes rake over the page to ensure the tone you speak the next sentence in is correct. He notes how you shift less often, how he doesn't have to move you further up his lap so you can lean against his stomach.
"It's not as painful to sit on you anymore." Aram doesn't think that line was in the book, but he doesn't mention it. It dawns that you were talking to him when you look up, using your finger as a bookmark as you closed the book around it. "Have you gained weight?"
He's a big man; it's a fact he's known since the beginning of his existence. He has large arms, muscles well know for how he snatched prey up to bring back to you. His height made it a simple feat to reach into the trees and capture any avian you wanted to experiment with that night. His legs that would stomp on any fish swimming downstream during a day at the lake you suggested.
He was sculpted by the Goddesses themselves. If they hadn't meant for his body to change along with his lifestyle, they wouldn't have designed him to dough.
(He'd never be ashamed in the fact either. He was contented knowing he had someone to dote over him constantly; a sentiment he had gained after recalling a conversation with wedded soldiers.)
(Also, the prospect of defacing what the Goddesses had long since disgraced was exciting, in a way.)
Aram doesn't look at himself, already well-acquainted with his body as his brow raises in amusement. "You feed me well, My Grace," he responds with a peck on your temple, "I would hope to become more comfortable for your pleasure." He refused to stop eating as he indulged you in conversation, the leg you sat on jumping once in place of his busy hands.
You hum that sweet, quiet hum of yours that Aram has come to associate with your contentedness (he aimed to hear to several tomes every day). Removing yourself from his lap, discarding the novel to the side as you raise your hands to cup his cheeks. "It suits you. You look healthy. Happy."
"Did I look ill before?"
You don't fluster as you might have like in your younger years. He's honored to have grown alongside you, reminiscent of the older couples you've both watched and escorted when he was still an active god.
The same filling feeling your food gives him fills his heart. The lingering sense of peace that he felt since meeting you dancing through his body when your thumbs rub the apples of his cheeks, the softest and fondest gaze anyone's ever given him in your eyes.
"No," you answer in a quiet voice only he'd be able to hear. "Never. You've always looked perfect."
And Aram has never been more thankful that he separated himself from the Goddesses as he preens under your touch. Never been more thankful that he lingered after the war was done. Never been more thankful that he had readjusted his psyche to more readily accept your gifts and affection.
He frees a hand to cradle to back of your head, a threat to all that aren't you, and brings you beneath his chin in a protective gesture. "As have you," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. "And as you always will be."
#there's a mental health stat for link in oot/mm now.#the only way to keep it up (and him in good shape) is to go back and visit his s/o's house often and interact with them <3#(you are immediately entered into one of those cutscenes with the grandma that tells the story of the giants from majoras mask-- but instead#of only telling you stories; you get to watch them do domestic things)#unless sky and wind have some photos dropped that reveal they have fat cheeks 2 im never doing this again#i am my oc. my ocs love language is food. i cannot cook.#elvira's notebook#legend of zelda x reader#loz x reader#linked universe x reader#lu x reader#ocarina of time x reader#majora's mask x reader#mm x reader#x reader#link x reader#fierce deity x reader#legend of zelda link x reader#loz link x reader#legend of zelda fierce deity x reader#loz fierce deity x reader#linked universe link x reader#lu link x reader#linked universe fierce deity x reader#lu fierce deity x reader#time x reader#legend of zelda time x reader#loz time x reader#linked universe time x reader#lu time x reader
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More ddvau by @kitsuneisi and @xmaruu11 because the guys have taken over my brain
#hermitshipping#trafficshipping#ddvau#desert duo vigilante au#ddvau fanart#scarian#sjkfhkdjfs hope you lovely artists dont mind me @ing you im losing my mind over here /pos#ANYWHO HI OMG#so while i was drawing i thought about like#the aftermath of the... mother spore situation??#like.... hOW much trouble is grian going to be in for not being catalogued as a witch??#will this affect his powers long-term???????#will he be fired????#what if he's fired???#hotguy will probably be the one to reach out to him when all is over because he'll lose sO much#BUT WHAT IF HOTGUY HAS TO ARREST HIM AFTERWARDS??#HOW WOULD SCAR LIVE WITH HIMSELF IN THAT SITUATION#UGH. THE TURMOIL. IM HURTING IN THE BEST WAY.#at any rate seeing one of your friends being taken over by some fungus THING cannOT be good for your longterm mental health and safety#first pic is really a study in expressions#second i had fun with poses#third i like seeing cuteguy saving people in the mundane :)))) like the peoples superheroooo
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im actually so normal and chill about dan and phil that i put wad on my tv on the lowest volume when i go shower so dan can get attention and feel supported without me crying my eyes out at the ending
#things that normal people do:#he did such a good thing and im so proud of him but for the sake of my mental health i cannot. watch the second half#dan howell#dan and phil#danisnotonfire#nebulae.speaks#phan
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Alright I'm no longer playing nice I will now be instantly blocking everyone who posts/reblogs "reblog this post if you XYZ/reblog this post or else XYZ will happen/if you don't reblog this post then you're XYZ bad thing". It's fucking atrocious that we're still preying on guilt trip tactics let alone OCD/paranoia. Fuck off.
#For the sake of my own mental health I absolutely cannot be seeing this shit daily it's actually ridiculous#EVEN IF YOU'RE DOING IT WITH GOOD INTENTIONS. DO NOT.#I don't care if that post says “reblog to show support of XYZ” you need to stop reblogging it/posting it#It sends me spiralling almost every time I'm so infuriated#OCD#paranoia#I am ofc only referring to my personal experiences w these conditions as I don't speak for everyone but this does affect most ppl#Who have ocd/paranoia
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Tastes of Whumptober: Day 31
My beloveds are here to send off Whumptober <3 It's been a truly incredible experience to not only stay on track with, but to actually complete. I still can't believe I did that. I'll be continuing some of what I started here, just give me a minute to rest my typing fingers <3
Content warnings for: mental health evaluation, mentions of suicide, and suicidal ideation.
Therapy
“Seriously?”
“Come on, Dec. Lay down, relax.”
Declan frowned and reluctantly reclined back on the couch, resting his head against the arm.
“On your back…”
“I could not give less of a shit, Hasan.”
“You can’t calm down when you look at me.” Hasan crossed their knees, settling a clipboard in their lap. “This is supposed to be a therapeutic environment.”
“Therapeutic my ass.”
“Yes, darling? Shall I give it a massage?”
“Shut up.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his eyes.
“A spanking then, love?”
“Fuck off, Hasan!” He shot up and bared his teeth, but they ignored his discomfort.
“How often would you say you experience little or no pleasure in doing things?”
“Every single second I have to deal with your sorry self.”
Their clothes rustled and something clinked on the coffee table next to him. His eyes flicked over to see Hasan setting down their belt, the heavy buckle meeting glass.
“Tell the truth and I won’t use it today. Or anything else for that matter.” Well, his attention was piqued but he still leveled his gaze, glowering. “Now tell me again. How often do you experience little or no pleasure in doing things?”
“What kind of things?”
“Let’s say hobbies. Watching television, playing games, and so on.” They were clicking their pen in the silence.
“Probably half the time,” he mumbled.
“Would you say several days this past week, or more than half the days?”
“Picky much? The latter.”
“How often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless?”
“It’s a little hard to separate my mental health from your influence.”
“Estimate, my dear. You’re stalling.”
He was, but his question didn’t come without merit either.
“Every day then.”
“Do you experience trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much?”
“Sometimes. Depends how much you torture me.”
“Touché. Have you been experiencing tiredness or low energy?”
“Constantly.” The pen circled another number. “You know I’ve done this a million times before, right? I know I’m depressed.”
“You told me before that you were in remission.”
“Something like that, at some point. I’m not perfect.”
“I didn’t say you should be. I want to understand your state of mind, sweetheart. Have you had a poor appetite or been overeating?”
“Not really. Probably no.”
“Alright. And do you feel bad about yourself? That you’re a failure, or have let people down?”
“No, Jesus, you just want me to talk about being miserable.”
“Declan.” They raised a brow, flicking the belt buckle. “Truth. Now.”
“...sometimes.”
“Interesting.”
“Don’t interesting me-!”
“Have you had trouble concentrating on activities?”
“Yeah, on weekdays. Always checking the goddamn time for some reason.”
“And how about speed? Are you moving so slowly or so erratically that others would have noticed?”
“That’s a question for you, isn’t it?”
“What answer would you expect?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“I would agree. And in the past week, have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself, or thoughts that you would be better off dead?”
“I think you hurt me enough for the both of us, Hasan.” Declan crossed his arms and turned away, staring into the cushions. “Circle the one and leave me alone.”
“Do you have a plan?”
“Excuse you?”
“You know precisely what I’m asking.”
“No, asshole. No I don’t. But if you wanna pink slip me, then be my guest.”
“Just covering my bases.” Hasan stood, picking up their belt.
“Woah! You said you wouldn’t!” He shoved himself back into the couch, watching with wide eyes as they threaded it back through their belt loops.
“I did indeed.” They fastened it and picked up the clipboard, tucking it under their arm and tapping it again with the pen. “We’re going to keep that in check, whether you like it or not.”
#whumptober2024#no.31#therapy#original characters#writing#emotional whump#depression#mental health#suicidal ideation#suicide mention#ask to tag#threats of torture#defiant whumpee#creepy whumper#whumptober#whump writing#my writing#whump#tastes of whumptober#Hasan and Declan#Hasan Badeaux#Declan Labelle#normal conversations in the badeaux household <33333#they're so messy and complicated i love them#so blorbocoded#hasan says i know you are mentally ill and i will be controlling that please and thank you. what do you mean i cannot control it#they want their boy to be in good shape he should be grateful <33333333#i was gonna write a flashback of their genuine past therapy experiences because both of them have done real therapy before#but that was gonna be way too long and involved for whumptober lol#I DID IT I FINISHED A MONTHLONG EVENT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER WOWOWWOWOWOWOW
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xxx.
#( ooc . mun speaks . )#i have been feeling. so not good lately.#i PROMISE it’ll be the last i talk abt this for awhile lol#i just cannot get the feeling of being replaceable or unwanted out of my head.#i keep feeling like . . . i’m not good enough#like. my writing isn’t good enough & my portrayal isn’t good enough.#& like i’m annoying or too much ooc.#ik ppl come here to get AWAY from yuckiness so im sorry to spread that.#i am just in a bad way i fear. just sad & anxious & feeling awful abt myself all the time.#there are such wonderful & kind souls here & i dont want to discredit their sweetness#ive just overall been having a rough time w/ my mental health. ill be okay though! just struggling atm.#tw vent#tw negative#tw negativity
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Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡
So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.
At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.
Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.
I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.
So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.
If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.
#spotatalk#i'm just gonna drop this in the queue I guess?#but I'm writing this on the last day of june so....#whenever this rolls around will be a jumpscare abd a half I guess?#I think honestly I coukd do a full breakdown of the Crew and why they're all expressions of me but like#quick summary is#Reset: Wants approval from people but mostly clings to the past. is afraid of losing his brother and acts on it to bring him back. i#<- I lack that conviction to do whatever you have to to get your way. i worry my brother and I have a weird gap between us we wont repair#Orchid: Uhhh woman. lots of pressure that she had at one time that's now no being pressed but she still tries to live up to it also.#<- I don't like the pressure of being a woman. also gifted-kid who cannot move past the pressures imposed to be 'perfect' and it's screwed#Stereo: Pulled into a situation he doesn't want to be in initially. it's bad for him but he likes the people so he decides to stay#<- I see the good in people. even when they hurt others around me. I was a bystander often and should've left the situations. paralelling.#Monochrome: Afraid. No purpose or preperation in life. soneone offers to guide him and he takes that offer because it's better than home.#<- Kinda self-explanitory but I've got little direction and feel lost a lot of the time. If I'm given a path I usually walk it no hesitation#and... for fun let's do some others!#Haphazard: Cleaning up after others since childhood. he's never really gotten a break and sees any sort of mess as an enemy#-> He's fixing rifts in universes I gotta patch relationships. there's so much conflict and I'm always so overwhelmed by it#Lost: He's got amnesia. no clue where he is. where he's from. who you are. who he is. he'll know when he gets there. he's sure.#-> I've been hsving minor issues with my memory for years. i coukd be forgetful but sometimes it just escapes me and that's spooky#Teddy: Isolated in her universe for years. she self-mutilated until she liked herself. when she finally met people she compulsively lied#-> Much more extreme version of how isolated I sonetines feel. hobbies can't replace human interaction but it's hard#oh and Ichor: God who loves mortals but cannot seem to find ones who will prove hin right for his trust and care#<- I've got a big heart. i express it often but the sentinent is scoffed off a lot. I get beat down about it and just keep moving forward#Pretender: Knows who he is. however the world doesn't like it much so he acts how they expect him to or isolates away#<- I still present femme when I'm nb/agender. i bend and break to people's perception of me. if I can't solve something I run.#okay I feel more insane than when ai started but these stupid skeletons have helped me through so many mental health problems it's only a#little bit funny 🙏
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helping
#turbotax bungled my return so badly i had to find and upload everything to H&R Block so#a real person could do it for a second opinion#my unemployment per week got increased which is good but i still have not been paid :)#phil#i also have to shop for health insurance today bc i cannot#figure out Medicare/medicaid in Texas#which is complicated by the fact i do not have unemployment in texas just ma#i also need to open a local bank acct and get that shit figured out bc i have a money order in tk#desk for the wrong amt when i originally rented this place#and that could help pay rent this month#but that requires going to a bank and explaining in person i don’t have any idea what im doing#having a really terrible mental health time on top#of that#also my phone is acting up#many tribulations and woes and maladies#yeehawing; gunshots
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you mean i’m supposed to EAT? and CLEAN MYSELF? and SLEEP?? after sitting in the same spot for the past 8 hours naked eating cheese popcorn and cookies and watching good omens 2 and then crying about good omens 2 and then shitposting about good omens 2 and now it’s 3 am??? FOR WHAT??????????
#good omens#i’m wearing a sweatshirt that says “deaf mental health matters” but apparently neil gaiman doesn’t agree#becuse THIS deaf person’s mental health???? destroyed. gone. barren.#good omens 2 spoilers#good omens 2#go2#azcrow#ineffible husbands#ineffable bureaucracy#neil gaiman#yeet my deet#aziraphale#crowley#aziraphale x crowley#michael sheen#david tennant#gonna need 3-6000 business years to process everything i just experienced#i’m sleep deprived and dehydrated and burnt out so i’m not sure i didn’t hallucinate the entire season#i CANNOT BELIEVE the kiss i’m actually shocked#so happy crying screaming shitting dying#and then it turned into the most stressful 10 minutes of my life i did not have a good time#hbdnell#bog
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