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writingwithcolor · 3 years ago

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Desexualized Mammy & Strong Black Woman, too busy for “frivolous love”

“Alyse” (Anon Submission) asked:

My science fiction story includes a black woman (Talia) who raises two children that aren’t her own and takes on two young adults as apprentices. One of the children she is raises has Arabic background and was taken into her home upon his father’s death (his mother’s whereabouts are unknown). She was a close friend of his father and the closest thing he had to a relative. The second child has mixed French-Latinx background and was taken in after becoming shipwrecked with no means by which to contact her people. Talia was the first non-hostile individual she encountered and one of the few who would so openly embrace a stranger. Since Talia is Master Medic (the highest medical authority in her community) she is training two apprentices (think residency) and eventually mentors the second child as well. She was once married and passionately in love but lost her husband to illness. In this setting, some technology we take for granted is inaccessible and violence against their people is commonplace. Most have experienced sudden loss. This particular loss was the catalyst that drove Talia into medicine- a desire to protect her loved ones and prevent others from experiencing similar tragedy. She is usually kind (though businesslike) but sometimes succumbs to a frigid, furious depression when, despite all her knowledge and determination, she can’t save someone.

I worry that her maternal association with the two children (one of whom is an outsider) mires her in the mammy trope. On top of that, she hasn’t pursued romance since the death of her husband. I’ve considered giving her a romantic subplot but there are already so many characters to keep track of. Furthermore, I just can’t see her engaging in the frivolous pursuits of new love when she’s dealing with kids, students, and an extremely taxing career.

In terms of race and culture in this story, practically every character can trace their ancestry back to populations displaced through war. Even Talia’s second child was shipwrecked during a botched evacuation from a military science lab. The people who live here have been isolated for generations and no longer have a real concept of their ancestry. Cultures have blended, new religions have formed, and many of our familiar racial/ethnic issues are forgotten. However, new and different but equally toxic ones have replaced them. In this way, Talia’s blackness doesn’t carry the same associations in her world as it would in ours. However, readers may still make these associations. Do you see any issues with her character that I could amend?

So! You have:

A highly educated Black-coded woman (the highest medical authority in the community)

She raises two kids alone

She also looks after two apprentices

She is widowed (not sure the race of the husband, was he Black?)

Having experienced heartbreaking love, Talia's drive to look after, protect and save people through medicine is a great motivation for the way she is. Her experiencing depression and taking losses seriously is also very human and is dynamic characterization.

However, such characterization with Black women is prone to brush across several tropes. You have a Black woman who gives and protects, but what does she get in return? Who cares for her?

Prioritize your Black character’s happiness

"I’ve considered giving her a romantic subplot but there are already so many characters to keep track of. Furthermore, I just can’t see her engaging in the frivolous pursuits of new love when she’s dealing with kids, students, and an extremely taxing career."

Priorities, priorities. Is love a frivolous pursuit in her eyes, or yours? Because I strongly disagree. You probably don't mean to but you, as the author, having an excuse to NOT give the Black woman romance is showing that you do not think she's worth being loved. TV viewers and stans who are uncomfortable when Black women characters have relationships find similar excuses to explain away not wanting BW in relationships.

"She's too strong and independent for a man/relationship"

"I liked her better alone."

"It'll take away from her character."

“A romance doesn’t feel right for her”

These sorts of statements above are grounded in racialized misogyny.

Relationships do not lessen the woman.

Relationships does not lessen Black women.

Love

Whether that love is romantic, familial, or friendship, it can come in many forms. Give Talia love. Because Black women characters deserve it! Either one or all!

Let her have a loyal best friend, a cat, and a girlfriend. Because why not? And not to downplay the love of children to parents, but please provide her love beyond what she gets on a maternal level from the children she looks after.

The stories that Black women are in today severely lack love for us, so why add to the narrative of Black women being all work and no play, and too [insert excuse here] to be loved?

Of course, you didn't provide all the details from your story, but I'm not seeing much of a balance from the struggle. She is a caretaker, teacher, doctor (or doctor-like figure).

Her position and background in itself is okay. It's the Strong Black Woman being presented with seemingly no commentary that strikes me.

Where is her team to help balance the weight of the world?

Who takes care of her when she's depressed from another loss?

What does she get in return from taking an emotional and physical toll to heal her community?

Do those around her recognize all she does for them and offer their friendship?

When does she get to relax and turn off the need to be everything for everybody?

Fitting love into a book with many characters

There are many books with several characters to keep track of. People tend to manage. Also, I'm sure some of those characters are in and/or out of relationships. Even stories that couldn’t be classified as romances have relationships of some sort. It’s unrealistic to have a ton of characters and none of them be in relationship(s) of some sort. Not when there’s so many forms of it and many sexualities.

Friends, frenemies, enemies, romance, affairs.. Relationships make stories (and life) interesting. By no means do I think adding these dynamics harm your tale. And what’s one more for a hard-working Black woman who sacrifices a lot and clearly deserves a shoulder to lean on? And, if you use an existing character to be that friend, family, or lover, then you won’t need to pencil in another character.

For romance specifically - I think a misconception when it comes to including romance in stories is that they have to somehow take over the story. Romance does not have to bombard the plot nor be described in lavish detail. Not every story is a romance and those sort of details aren’t everyone’s style or things they’re comfortable with. A sentence or two establishing relationships does not take away from the story.And how those relationships look and affections expressed will vary based on the characters, sexuality, etc.

Not every character needs to have a deep level of detail.

“Katie and Lisa, a newly engaged couple, walked into the meeting.”

“Jack and Jamie are a married couple in their 40s.”

“The two met in college. After two months of blissful courtship, they eloped, eager to start their happily ever afters. Twenty years together, they were still blissfully in love and never too far from one another.”

Sentences like the above are enough for some characters. You don’t always need to put in paragraphs worth of relationship-establishing details or plot.

When it comes to the characters whose love you would like to highlight, at least a bit, you still don’t have to go over the top.

Use subtle details.

“As soon as Talia’s back was turned, he gave her a longing look before shaking his head and getting back to the patient.”

“He squeezed her hand before taking hold of the stethoscope.”

“She kissed her wife goodbye before racing out the door.”

“You mean the world to me.” he had said, holding her face. Those words stayed with her all day, making her heavy load light as a sack of feathers.

“She soaked his shirt with her tears and he just held her tight, saying nothing, silently holding her together.”

As for Talia specifically…

Talia having the mindset you described, as love being frivolous and not a priority, is understandable knowing her background (I just don't agree with you as the creator using this as a means to keep her alone. Whether she’s romantically alone or without close friendships). She has lost so much, and continues to experience loss with patients. This can be extremely traumatizing. I gave some examples of being subtle, so perhaps that will help with the burden of feeling a thick subplot of romance doesn’t fit in your story.

And as Talia doesn’t strike me as someone who would go looking for companionship, what if she stumbles upon it without trying? Is there someone on the medical team that can offer her friendship? Someone who admires her and feels the urge to care for her that she feels the same for, or has pushed feelings down for? What happens when she can’t hold those feelings down anymore?

Takeaway

Talia deserves healthy love, even if she doesn’t believe it or feel she has time for it. That love can come in any and many forms, not necessarily romantically required, although it is a plus. A struggle-ridden novel is balanced by love, support and rest for characters that hold the weight of the world. If you do not, evaluate why you want to write Black characters in these struggle roles without at least a social commentary.

~Mod Colette

#Black women #Strong Black Woman #Mammy #relationships #romance #asks

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twistedtummies2 · 2 years ago

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Four Must-Read Books Based on “Alice in Wonderland”

I know I just finished my “Artists in Wonderland” event, but I’m still in an Alice mood, and especially in regards to literature. So I decided to cover another topic in terms of Wonderland in writing: different books based on the “Alice” stories. Of course, movies, video games, and TV shows have given us countless reinterpretations of the “Alice” stories and characters, but there have been just as many - and probably more - in writing. From stories based on the real-life events behind the scenes, to sequels, reimaginings, and prequels of the Carrollian classics, literature has provided an abundance of different takes on Wonderland. What’s interesting is that - beyond children’s picture books and such other things - many of these reinterpretations take a darker and more adult stance with the story, creating unique lore and diving into the characters in a way Carroll’s stories do not do. This is nothing new, of course, but literature can do this in a way that most screen-based versions either cannot or do not. Now, there are numerous books based on Wonderland, like I said, and I’ve read my fair share. Today, however, I wanted to provide a short “must read” list with four key books that I feel anyone interested in “Alice” should take a look at. Again, there are a LOT more than four. Some books I enjoy that I won’t be mentioning here are The Splintered Trilogy, The Alice Chronicles, The Queen of Hearts Saga, Still She Haunts Me, After Alice, and Grin: The Unauthorized Biography of a Cheshire Cat. These are just to name a few that aren’t included here: all of them have their own unique merits and are worth looking up if you have time. These are just four books that I would classify as the cream of the crop. I should add that I won’t be including non-fiction books on the list, such as biographies, analytical or informational texts, etc. I’m specifically looking at works of fiction inspired by the stories. With that said, here are Four Must-Read Books for Alice in Wonderland Fans.

4. Alice I Have Been.

I’m starting this off with the most unique and arguably the most fascinating of the whole bunch. “Alice I Have Been,” written by Melanie Benjamin, is NOT an “Alice in Wonderland” story. It isn’t about the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, the Queen of Hearts, or any of the characters in the books. Instead, this is a piece of historical fiction that effectively tells the life story of Alice Hargreaves (nee Liddell), the young lady who inspired Charles Dodgson (a.k.a. Lewis Carroll) to write the Wonderland books to begin with. The novel focuses on Alice’s relationship with Carroll, of course, but also just on her life in general, as she squares off her own desires and simple humanity with the fact that she is seen as someone she isn’t. In a way, the book is a lot like the movie “Dreamchild,” but while that film occasionally brings people into the fantasy of Wonderland and mostly focuses on Alice as an old woman, “Alice I Have Been” sticks entirely to the real world, and traces her life pretty much from birth to death. It’s not a biography, as it IS written in the form of a novel, and does take some liberties here and there based on the writer’s presumptions and the themes and ideas they want to play with. However, it does paint a very sincere and true-to-life portrait of the young woman, whose life story so many people never really paid attention to. If you’re more interested in reading about the actual Wonderland characters and world, then the other three books on this list are going to be more to your taste, but I felt I simply could not leave Melanie Benjamin’s gorgeous story out of the running.

3. Unbirthday.

This book is part of a series by Liz Braswell, called “Twisted Tales.” The series is published by Disney, and in each novel, a question is asked about a particular Disney movie. The novel then riffs on that question, usually by presenting a sort of AU or “What If?” scenario, but sometimes by creating a new story, a prequel or sequel, to provide a new spin on the world and characters. The latter is the case with “Unbirthday.” Admittedly, Unbirthday’s premise is not the most inspired: a grown-up Alice returns to Wonderland, and finds it has become a darker and more dangerous place than ever before. She thus joins forces with a group of freedom fighters to battle the Queen of Hearts and save Wonderland. This exact premise, in those two sentences, can sum up a LOT of different “Alice” works. And I mean A LOT: most of the more prominent darker reinterpretations of Wonderland follow that basic formula. This book isn’t the first, and it isn’t the last. So, what makes it special? One simple little thing: all other darker Wonderlands with this premise are essentially their own invention. They aren’t based on any specific pre-existing version of the stories, they’re really their own thing, with their own special spin on the setting and characters. “Unbirthday” is interesting because it’s actually based on a very particular version of Wonderland, the Disney one. This makes the story unique, because we aren’t simply seeing newer, darker takes on the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, the Queen of Hearts, and other characters. We’re seeing the Disney ones - the ones so many of us know best and are familiar with from childhood, beyond all the rest - being corrupted and twisted in various ways. Similarly, we aren’t simply seeing a grown-up Alice, we’re seeing the Disney Alice all grown up. It’s a bit like watching “Spider-Man: No Way Home” versus “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.” Both are films with similar concepts at play, but they take very different approaches, and a big part of this is that one uses versions of the characters we’ve seen before and have a pre-established connection with, while the other is totally original. The best part is that Braswell’s writing is so meticulously handled, the characters really DO feel like those Disney versions, from the way they speak to the way they are described as generally behaving. If you’re a fan of dark Wonderlands, a fan of the Disney film, or both, check this one out.

2. Heartless.

This book by Marissa Meyer is a rare example of a prequel to the “Alice” stories. This is something that actually isn’t as common as you would think. Sequels to Wonderland and reimaginings of the story are pretty easy to come by, but prequels - stories that detail the world before Alice - are quite rare. I think this is mostly because, in the books, Wonderland is supposedly just a dream Alice had. And in many strict adaptations, it’s left ambiguous, at best, how much of Wonderland was a dream and how much of it was real. So what’s the point in creating a backstory and lore to a world that doesn’t exist? Well, of course, these works base themselves on the idea it DOES exist, and while they are not common, they are out there. In my opinion, “Heartless” is the single best Wonderland prequel I’ve ever come across. The story ostensibly tells the tale of how the Queen of Hearts - here named Catherine - became the fat, pompous, bad-tempered old tyrant we all know and love to hate. In other words, it’s essentially “Wicked” (the novel, not the play), but for the Queen of Hearts. And much like “Wicked,” it not only gives us the skinny on the main villainess, but also involves multiple other characters from the books, most notably the Mad Hatter, the Cheshire Cat, the Duchess, and the King of Hearts, although other characters show up here and there, too. The primary reason I think Meyer’s book tops other prequels to the stories is simply this: with other prequels I’ve encountered, there’s always this sort of inconclusive feeling. Like, it’s hard to imagine these characters becoming the ones in the Carroll stories. That ISN’T the case with “Heartless”: not only is Catherine’s petulant, furious, rage-filled personality perfectly understandable, giving a once comically cruel and violently nasty villain a sympathetic and complex persona, but other characters feel very natural in their progression from where they start off to where we next see them. They’re written in such a way that they really do feel like those Victorian caricatures of madness we all care about so much, while still existing in their own unique space. This, above all else, makes Heartless one of my favorite Wonderland-based books. Check it out if you ever wanted to know what life was like before Alice’s fall.

1. The Looking-Glass Wars.

Frank Beddor’s “The Looking-Glass Wars” Trilogy is, without a doubt, my favorite book based on the “Alice” stories. It’s another dark reimagining of Wonderland that, on the surface, has the same basic formula “Unbirthday” and so many other stories have, but the way it interprets the world and the characters is totally its own, and wonderfully creative. The premise of “The Looking-Glass Wars” is that the story we all know and love so well is a boldfaced lie: the tale begins when Alyss Heart - the Princess of Wonderland, rightful heir to the throne - has her parents killed and kingdom usurped by her evil Aunt Redd. With the aid of Hatter Madigan, her loyal bodyguard, Alyss escapes through the Pool of Tears to our world…but because of some problems in-transit, Hatter is thrown all the way into France, while Alyss ends up in a slum in England. She is eventually taken in by the Liddell family, and meets Charles Dodgson, who writes a story inspired by the “wild fantasies” she tells him about. This story, of course, becomes the “Alice in Wonderland” we all know and love today. As time goes on, Alice forgets her old life and world entirely…until she’s finally rediscovered by her people, and brought back (along with Hatter M.) to Wonderland, to join the resistance and take back the crown from her traitorous aunt. In essence, the first book is “The Lion King” but with a Wonderland motif…but that’s only where the story starts, as the book would have two sequels, and not one, but TWO spin-off comic book series. I love the imagination and unique perspective Beddor’s books have, and the way it reinterprets classic characters. Some of them - like Aunt Redd, Bibwit Harte, and Blue the Caterpillar - feel very much like the Wonderlandian characters we all know and love, just a bit darker than usual. Others - like The Cat, Hatter Madigan, and Dodge Anders (Alice’s love interest, based on the Dodo, of all characters) - are radically different from the ones we know and love, but that’s kind of the point. The way the books mesh fantasy and history, tradition and new ideas, and so on really is one-of-a-kind, and it’s by far one of my favorite takes on “Alice” in general, and one that I wish more people knew about. I would love to see these books adapted to TV or cinema, or even to video games. Until that day, the stories stand on their own well enough. Admittedly, I’m not a huge fan of the comic book spinoffs I mentioned, but the original novels are truly fantastic. Read this trilogy as soon as you can.

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urupotter · 4 years ago

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Dumbledore as a Mentor

Dumbledore is the most well executed mentor figure for Harry in the series, for two reasons.

First is what he represents. Since the very beginning of the series, he trusts him absolutely, and is along with the Weasleys the only adult with whom he shares that title. But Harry trusts Dumbledore even though he doesn't know anything about him. Harry, who has a pathological mistrust of adults, always feels that he can rely on him. He's the only wizard that Voldemort ever feared, and his very presence at Hogwarts makes it so that there is at least one place which Harry knows is safe.

And then he's killed. Just before the final book, before the last confrontation Harry and the Dark Lord will have, the man whom Harry though he could most rely on dies. The warm blanket of comfort and safety that Dumbledore provided is suddenly gone, and Harry must face Voldemort as his own man, no mentors to guide and protect him. His final challenge. "The last and greatest of his protectors had died, and he was more alone than he had ever been before" Of course, there was another protector left still, but Harry didn't know that at the time.

Dumbledore is also unique among Harry Potter characters in that he's the one who most understands the Harry Potter settings supernatural elements.

Fantasy and supernatural are not the same. Fantasy is when things that would not be possible in our world, indeed, what in the real world would be classified as supernatural, are mundane elements of the setting, as real and part of nature as anything else. Magic, dragons, spells, potions and house elves and all, is part of the nature of the world. They are not considered supernatural elements for wizards, the way they are for muggles. Supernatural elements are those that surpass what is perceived as natural in any given setting. Harry Potter as a series has both, and Dumbledore is the only character who truly understands them.

What am I talking about? Mainly (though not exclusively) Love, capital L. In Harry Potter, Love, unconditional, true, Love is more than just an emotion. It has magical reality, it tangibly affects the world. While it falls under the umbrella of magic, It is the most mysterious and least understood of the magics. It is ancient, and powerful beyond belief. It is what made Harry's mind agony for the Dark Lord to touch. What permitted Dumbledore to trust Snape absolutely (and if you want a more detailed analysis of how Love and Snape are fundamentally intertwined, and how his arc is among the most important in telling the message Rowling wanted to tell, read this meta by rex-luscus), what allowed Harry to survive the unstoppable Killing curse, when no one had ever done it before.

Most powerful mentor figures in fiction teach the protagonist powerful spells and magic. It's expected. After all, in most stories, the hero defeats the villain by growing to match them in power. Not so in Harry Potter. Harry, while a powerful wizard, and very talented in DADA, is nothing out of this world. He never approaches Voldemort's league. Whenever his killing curse fails, it is by supernatural mechanisms, that Voldemort cannot fathom but that neither fully understand. Lily's protection. Priori Incantatem. The supernatural phenomenon of the magical world. In both these scenarios, the first to understand what truly happened and explain is Dumbledore. In their private sessions, Dumbledore never teaches Harry powerful spells, or Potions, as many would expect him to (that role is left to other mentors of his, mainly Lupin and Snape). He teaches him philosophy, how to understand the mind of Tom Riddle, and about the nature of magic itself as a phenomenon. He teaches him wisdom, to understand the world. That's why, when Harry comes into his own, it is no surprise that he defeats him by understanding, on a deeper level, the Deathstick. Another of the myths and legends of the magical world, that is nonetheless real. When Voldemort casts at Harry his third and last killing curse, he dies, with only Harry understanding why. He has learned all that Dumbledore wanted to teach him. He has taught him to be wise.

Voldemort's main flaw is that magic only has value to him in so much as it is a tool that he can bring under his control to increase his power. He views it almost like a scientific discipline. And in those areas, the non supernatural ones, he is unrivalled. Dumbledore is at most his equal, but probably not. When they fight, they are evenly matched, even though Dumbledore has the Elder Wand. Dumbledore acknowledges him as the most brilliant student that Hogwarts has ever seen, a tacit admission that he is his superior. And yet, Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer to ever live. Why? Because he understands the mysteries of magic, knows that magic is a fundamentally supernatural force. Voldemort opened his mind to the power of magic, but could not see what lay beyond. His mind remained shackled, and he never did understand magic beyond what is conceivable by science. Dumbledore did, and that's why he's the only one he ever feared. And it's what makes him the perfect mentor for Harry.

#albus dumbledore #dumbledore #albus dumbledore meta #meta #hp meta #harry james potter #voldemort #lord voldemort #tom riddle #severus snape #harry potter #hp #hp series #magic #harry potter worldbuilding

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collidingxworlds · 2 years ago

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MYCROFT HOLMES - @governmentofficial

The library certainly seemed to be going down well. Considering that Mycroft rarely had a chance to use it himself, he supposed that it was good that Abigail would presumably making use of it in his stead. None of the books were anything that particularly needed to be preserved; they were items that should be used.

He allowed her to touch the books without comment. Abigail hadn’t showed any signs of being destructive so far, therefore there was little reason to worry that she may harm his property. Mind you, it was worth continuing to keep an eye on here. Traumatised children - they had a tendency to lash out, no? That was certainly what he had been led to believe, though it was one of the few topics that Mycroft could not claim to be an expert in.

“What sort of thing do you imagine to be contained within classified documents belonging to a high ranking civil servant?”

Mycroft’s response to the girl’s question was somewhat of a non-answer. This was, of course, on purpose. There were plenty of things that Abigail may accidentally see, as there were plenty of matters that Mycroft advised on. While he knew that he would undoubtedly have to explain some of his work at some point, minimising the amount that the girl actually knew about seemed like the best course of action - both to protect the classified nature of it, and for her own safety.

“You will have to sign the Official Secrets Act, of course,” Mycroft then added. “It is nothing to worry about, assuming you do not plan on selling national secrets to unsavoury characters. I have the paperwork set up already. You can sign it once you have settled in a little more.”

That being said, she would need to sign it by the end of the day. Mycroft had managed to adjust his schedule so that he could work from home for the rest of the week, allowing him to prevent Abigail from being left alone while she was still brand new to the scenario, but there was still the risk that she may overhear a phone call or attempt to read his emails. Steps needed to be taken to prevent information being leaked, just in case the girl did feel inclined to do such a thing.

Abigail pursed her lips pensively as she pondered the question she had been asked, her eyes remaining locked on the books. She already had a reply, but she was pondering whether or not he should answer seriously or joke around. Without making it too obvious, of course, since Mycroft didn't seem like the kind of person who might appreciate humour.

"Sensitive information," she ended up answering, choosing to do a little of both. "Royal gossip. Potential blackmailing material. Secret identities. Stuff related to a lot of money. The results of the next election. Deals with the local crime lords. Names and whereabouts of said crime lords. And..." She turned around to look at her guardian, the hint of a cheeky smile on her lips. "Maybe the numbers to win the lottery?"

She was tempted to ask if she has gotten something right and, since she would be forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement or whatever, but pushing it was probably not the smartest move. She had no doubt that Mycroft could have sent her back as easily as he had taken her in, if she had inconvenienced him too much.

"It's okay, Mr Holmes. If it's so important, I can sign it even now," she said instead, turning her gaze on the books, squinting slightly at the titles. "I know that I should read the fine print and all that, but I'm sure that you know it by memory. And I don't think that the sum-up is different from 'if you see something that's even only vaguely related to Mycroft's job, don't tell anyone and forget about it'. Right?"

A crease formed in the middle of her forehead, as she moved to another section of the bookshelves. The man hadn't been kidding when he had told her that he didn't own much fiction.

"Do you have anything about crime?" She asked after a few moments of silence, pulling out a random biography. "Not necessarily novels. Anything on the subject. I've been thinking..."

Her voice trailed off, and she turned her gaze towards the other side of the room.

"If I had remained in the States, I would have tried to join the FBI. Maybe I can still do something similar here. It seems fitting with everything that has happened, if I could help hunting down people like...like my Dad."

#* Let's tell my story * ::ic ; Abigail::#&& Mycroft Holmes #* Imagination. The final frontier. These are the voyages... * ::threads::#governmentofficial #(( thanks for the @ !! ))#(( beam me up scotty ::queue:: ))#v. What will grow from this blood soaked soil? ::teenager AU ; Abigail::

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infernallegaycy · 4 years ago

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Writing Psychotic Characters

Hi! I’ve seen a few of these writing things pop up recently (and in the past), but I haven’t seen any on psychotic characters—which, judging from the current state of portrayals of psychosis in media, is something I think many people* need. And as a psychotic person who complains about how badly psychosis tends to be represented in media, I thought I’d share a bit of information and suggestions!

A lot of this isn’t necessarily specifically writing advice but information about psychosis, how it presents, and how it affects daily life. This is partially purposeful—I feel that a large part of poor psychotic representation stems from a lack of understanding about psychosis, and while I’m not usually in an educating mood, context and understanding are crucial to posts like this. A lot of this also relates to writing psychosis in a modern-day setting, simply because that’s where bad psychotic representation tends to mostly occur (and it’s the only experience I’ve had, obviously), but please don’t shy away from applying this advice to psychotic characters in sci-fi/fantasy/historical fiction/etc. Psychosis is not a wholly modern phenomenon, nor would speculative fiction feel truly escapist without being able to see yourself reflected in it.

Please also note that I am not a medical professional nor an expert in psychology. I simply speak from my personal experiences, research, and what I’ve read of others’ experiences. I also do not speak for all psychotic people, and more than welcome any alternative perspectives to my own.

*These people, in all honesty, aren’t likely to be the ones willingly reading this. But there are people who are willing to learn, so here’s your opportunity.

(Warnings: Mentions of institutionalization/hospitalization, including forced institutionalization; ableism/saneism; and brief descriptions of delusions and hallucinations. Also, it’s a pretty long post!)

Up front, some terminology notes: “Unpsychotic” refers to people who are not psychotic. This includes other mentally ill and neurodivergent people. Please try to avoid terminology like “non-[identity],” as much of it is co-opted from “nonblack.”

Also, “psychotic” and “delusional” will not be, and should not be, used to refer to anything but respectively someone who experiences psychosis and someone who experiences delusions. Remove these words as insults and negative descriptors for anyone you dislike from your vocabulary.

In addition, I generally use adjectives rather than person-first language because that is the language I, and the seeming majority of other neurodivergent and mentally ill people, prefer. Others might describe themselves differently (as “people with psychosis,” for instance). Don’t assume either way—I’d generally suggest you say “psychotic person” first, and then correct yourself if the person in question prefers different terminology.

1) Psychosis is a symptom, not a disorder.

As a term, “psychosis” describes any number of symptoms that indicate a break with reality, such as delusions and hallucinations (I’ll go into more detail about this in a bit). It commonly occurs as part of several mental and neurological disorders, including but not limited to:

Schizophrenia

Schizophreniform disorder (same symptoms as schizophrenia, but for a shorter period of time than 6 months)

Schizoaffective disorder (combined symptoms of psychosis and a mood disorder, but not enough to completely fill the diagnostic criteria for either)

Bipolar disorder (typically as part of manic episodes, but it can also occur in unipolar depression and depressive episodes)

Personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder (for which transient paranoia under stress is part of the diagnostic criteria), paranoid personality disorder, and schizoid personality disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Dissociative disorders (though psychosis =/= dissociative identity disorder; if you want further information on the latter, which I do not have, please seek out another post!)

Psychosis can also occur with forms of epilepsy, sleep disorders, metabolic disorders, and autoimmune disorders. It tends to be a major part of neurodegenerative disorders like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. In addition, it can occur when not related to a chronic health condition; things like sleep deprivation and stress can induce temporary psychosis, as can drug use and medication.

This isn’t to say you necessarily need to define a disorder for a psychotic character, as some psychotic people (including myself) primarily just describe ourselves as “psychotic,” and some aren’t diagnosed with anything specific. However, if your psychotic character is a main/perspective character, I definitely recommend it. Chances are, someone with that disorder is reading/watching, and I’m sure they’d love to see a bit of direct representation. In general, you probably should at least have something in mind, because psychotic symptoms and severity/onset can differ greatly.

Some psychotic disorders’ diagnostic criteria explicitly exclude others (someone cannot be diagnosed with both schizophrenia and schizophreniform disorder at the same time, for instance, though the latter can develop into the former), but comorbidity is possible—and often common—among certain disorders and other neurological/mental conditions. Rates vary, so definitely research this, but in short, it is very much possible for psychotic people to have multiple disorders, including disorders that don’t include psychotic symptoms. (Personally speaking: I’m autistic, ADHD, and OCD in addition to being psychotic, and I’m physically disabled as well.)

I’m not here to do all the research for you—if you want to know more about specific psychotic disorders, then by all means, look them up! Go beyond Wikipedia and Mayo Clinic articles, too. Talk to people who have them. Seek out blogs and YouTube channels run by people with them. Read books about psychosis by psychotic people**. Pay attention to how we describe ourselves and our disorders.

And if you want to write characters with those disorders, especially if you’re writing from their perspectives, then please for the love of God, hire a sensitivity reader. For authenticity, I would recommend seeking out someone with the same disorder, not just anyone psychotic.

**If you want a fiction recommendation: I don’t actually know if the author is schizophrenic like the main character, but I really enjoyed and related to The Drowning Girl by Caitlín R. Kiernan. Content warnings include, but might not be limited to—it’s been a while since I read it—unreality, self-harm, suicide, abuse, and mentions of transphobia. I haven’t personally read any autobiographies/memoirs/essays yet, so I don’t have any to offer, and quite a few that came up through a cursory search seemed only to focus on being an inspiration to neurotypical people or were from a perspective other than that of the psychotic person in question. If anyone (preferably psychotic people) has any more recommendations, fiction or nonfiction, let me know!

2) Not every psychotic person has the same symptoms.

As mentioned, psychosis consists of symptoms that involve separation with reality, which can present as positive or negative symptoms. Every person’s experiences with these are different, but some generalizations can be made. I definitely recommend reading studies and articles (especially directly by psychotic people) describing experiences and presentation!

I’ll start with positive symptoms, which refer to the presence of symptoms unpsychotic people don’t have, and can include hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thoughts, speech, and behavior.

You probably know what hallucinations are (perceptions of sensory information that is not really present), but you might not know the specifics. Types of hallucinations include:

Auditory (which tend to be the most common, and are probably the form everyone is most familiar with, primarily as “hearing voices”)

Visual

Olfactory

Tactile/haptic

Gustatory (taste)

Somatic

Some types with regards to bodily sensations get a little muddled from here, but some forms of hallucinations you might not have heard of include thermic (hot/cold), hygric (fluids), kinesthetic (bodily movements), and visceral (inner organs).

(Note: Hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations, which occur when falling asleep or waking up, are not related to psychosis and can occur in anyone.)

As mentioned, there are some forms of hallucinations that are more common, but that is not to say that everyone has the same hallucinations. A lot of us have auditory and/or visual hallucinations, but not everyone does. Some have tactile, olfactory, or gustatory hallucinations instead of or in addition to more common forms (hi! Auditory hallucinations are pretty rare for me, but I constantly feel bugs/spiders crawling on me). If you write a psychotic character that experiences hallucinations, then you should definitely do further research on these types and manifestations of them.

You’re likely also familiar with delusions (a belief that contradicts reality), though again, you might not know the specifics. Delusions can be classified as bizarre (implausible, not shared or understood by peers of the same culture) or non-bizarre (false, but technically possible). They can relate to one’s mood or not.

Some people only experience delusions and no other significant psychotic symptoms (this occurs in delusional disorder). Delusions differ between people and tend to be heavily influenced by environment, but there are some common themes, such as:

Persecution

Guilt, punishment, or sin

Mind reading

Thought insertion

Jealousy

Control

Reference (coincidences having meaning)

Grandeur

Certain types of delusions are more common in certain cultures/backgrounds or certain disorders. I can’t really go into details about specific delusions, because I try not to read many examples (for a reason I’m about to mention), but if you plan on writing a character who experiences delusions, I definitely recommend heavily researching delusions and how it feels to experience them.

I would like to note: I’m not sure how common it is, but I’ve noticed that I personally have a tendency to pick up delusions that I see other psychotic people talking about having. Just kind of, like, an “oh shit what if” feeling creeps up on me, and before I know it, that delusion has wormed its way into my life. Just in case you want some idea of how psychotic people can interact amongst ourselves!

Another quick note: Delusions, by definition, are untrue beliefs; this does not mean that anyone who has ever been delusional is inherently untrustworthy.

Disorganization of thoughts/speech and behavior is more self-explanatory. Problems with thinking and speaking tend to be one of the most common psychotic symptoms, sometimes considered even more so than delusions and hallucinations. There are a lot of ways thought processes can be disrupted, and I honestly think it would be kind of difficult to portray this if you haven’t experienced it, but some common manifestations are:

Derailment

Tangents (which you might notice me doing sometimes in this very post)

Getting distracted mid-sentence/thought

Incoherence/“word salad”

Thought blocking (sudden stops in thoughts/speech)

Repetition of words/phrases

Pressured speech (rapid, urgent speech)

Use of invented words

Poverty of speech/content of speech

(Note that thought/speech disturbances aren’t necessarily exclusive to psychotic disorders. They tend to be common in ADHD and autism as well, though symptoms can be more severe when they occur in, for example, schizophrenia.)

Behavioral abnormalities can include catatonia, which presents in a number of ways, such as mutism, echolalia, agitation, stupor, catalepsy, posturing, and more. Episodes of catatonia last for hours and sometimes longer, which usually requires hospitalization and/or medication. This tends to overlap heavily with symptoms of autism spectrum disorders, which can be comorbid with conditions like schizophrenia.

Negative symptoms, on the other hand, refer to the absence of certain experiences. It can include flat affect (lack of or limited emotional reactions), generally altered emotional responses, a decrease in speech, and low motivation. Most of these speak for themselves, and I’m not honestly sure how to describe them to someone who’s never experienced them in a way that isn’t very metaphorical and therefore kind of unhelpful. If any other psychotic people have suggestions, feel free to add on/message me!

Not every psychotic disorder involves or requires both positive and negative symptoms (to my knowledge, manic episodes of bipolar disorder mostly only include positive symptoms), but many psychotic people experience both. And, as expressed multiple times—and I really can’t stress it enough—every person’s experience with psychosis is different.

If you interview two psychotic people at random, chances are they aren’t going to have the same combination of symptoms. Chances are they won’t even have the same disorder. Therefore, if you write multiple psychotic characters, they shouldn’t be identical in terms of personality or psychosis.

There are also some qualities of psychotic disorders that may not necessarily be diagnostic criteria but are prominent in people with these conditions. These also vary between disorders, but cognitive impairments and similar traits are fairly common.

3) In a similar vein, daily experiences can vary greatly. Psychosis can be a major part of psychotic people’s lives, but it doesn’t always affect daily life.

For some people, psychosis occurs in episodes, not 24/7; you may have heard the term “psychotic break,” which tends to refer to a first episode of psychosis. This is especially true of disorders where psychotic symptoms occur under stress or during mood episodes.

For other people, psychosis is a near-constant. It can wax and wane, but it never completely goes away. These people might be more likely to invest in medication or long-term therapy and other treatment methods.

Psychosis’s impact on everyday life can also be affected by insight (how well the person can tell they’re having psychotic symptoms). There’s not a ton of accessible research—or research at all—into insight and how it affects psychotic people, and I’m not a big fan of describing people as having high/low insight because I think it has the potential to be used like functioning labels (which, for the record, are bad; plenty of other autistic people have written at length about this), but just something to keep in mind. It’s a sliding scale; at different points in time, the same person might have limited or significant awareness of their symptoms. Both greater and poorer insight have been linked to decreased quality of life, so neither one is really a positive.

Just something to be aware of: Yes, sometimes we do realize how “crazy” we seem. Yes, sometimes we don’t. No, it doesn’t really make things any better to know that what we’re seeing/thinking/etc isn’t real. No, people with low insight shouldn’t be blamed or mocked for this.

As such, the diagnostic process can vary greatly. Psychotic people aware of their symptoms or how their lives are being impacted may directly ask for a diagnosis or seek out information on their own. Other times, family or friends might notice symptoms and bring them up to a mental health professional, or someone might be forcibly institutionalized and diagnosed that way.

My professional diagnostic processes have been pretty boring: Over time, I just gradually brought up different diagnoses I thought might fit me to my therapist, whom I started seeing for anxiety (which I no longer strongly identify with, on account of my anxiety mostly stemming from me being autistic, OCD, and psychotic). I filled out checklists and talked about my symptoms. We moved on with the treatment processes I was already undergoing and incorporated more coping mechanisms and stuff like that into therapy sessions. Hardly the tearful scenes of denial you’re used to seeing or reading about.

Other people might have very different experiences, or very similar ones! It all depends! I generally don’t really like reading scenes of people being diagnosed (it’s just exposition and maybe some realization on the PoV character’s part, but it’s usually somewhat inaccurate in that regard), so you can probably steer away from that sort of thing, but you might find it useful to note how your character was identified somewhere? I don’t really have any strong opinions on this.

I’d also like to note: Everything I publicly speak about having, I’ve discussed in a professional therapy setting, just because of my personal complexes. However, I do fully support self-diagnosis. Bigotry and money are huge obstacles against getting professional diagnoses, and if someone identifies with a certain disorder and seeks out treatment mechanisms for it, there’s no real harm being done. If someone is genuinely struggling and they benefit from coping mechanisms intended for a disorder they might not have, then I think that’s better than if they shied away because they weren’t professionally diagnosed with it, and therefore didn’t get help they needed. With proper research, self-diagnosis is fully ethical and reasonable.

I do not want to debate this, and any attempts to force me into a discussion about professional versus self-diagnosis will be ignored.

Anyway! I can’t really identify any specific daily experiences with psychosis you might want to include, because as mentioned, everyone has different symptoms and ways they cope with them.

Some psychotic people might not experience symptoms outside of an episode, which can be brought on by any number of things; some might experience symptoms only under general stress; some might have consistent symptoms. The content of hallucinations and delusions can also shift over time.

Psychosis can also affect anyone—there are certain demographics certain disorders are more likely to occur in, but this could just as easily be due to biases in diagnostic criteria or professionals themselves as it could be due to an actual statistical correlation. If you want to figure out how a psychotic character behaves on a day-to-day basis, then you’re better off shaping who they are as a person beyond their psychosis first, then incorporating their psychosis into things.

(A note about this: I consider my psychosis a major part of me, and I firmly believe that I would be a very different person without it; that’s why I refer to myself as a “psychotic person” rather than “a person with psychosis.” However, there is a difference between that and unpsychotic people making psychotic characters’ only trait their psychosis.)

4) Treatment for psychosis differs from person to person. The same things don’t work for everyone.

Some people are on antipsychotics; others aren’t. Medication is a personal choice and not a necessity—no one should be judged either for being on medication or for not being on medication. There are many reasons behind either option. Please do not ask psychotic people about their medication/lack thereof unprompted.

If you want to depict a psychotic character on medication, then research different forms of antipsychotics and how they affect psychotic people. I’ve never been on medication and don’t really plan to be (though if I ever do, I’m definitely taking a note from Phasmophobia’s book and calling them “Sanity Pills.” Just to clarify, I don’t want unpsychotic people repeating this joke, but if you want some insight on how some of us regard our health…), so you’re better off looking elsewhere for this sort of information!

I’m not going to get into my personal opinions on institutionalization and the psychiatry industry in general now, but institutionalization is, while common, also not necessary, and many psychotic people—and mentally ill and neurodivergent people in general—have faced harm and trauma due to institutionalization. Again, I can’t offer direct personal experience, but I recommend steering clear of plotlines directly related to psychiatric hospitals.

I would also like to emphasis the word treatment. Psychosis has no cure. It is possible for psychosis to only last a single episode (whether because it’s only due to stress/another outside factor or because it is treated early), or for symptoms to be greatly reduced over time and with treatment, but for the most part, psychotic people are psychotic for life.

However, with proper support networks and coping skills, many psychotic people are able to lead (quote unquote) “normal” lives. What coping mechanisms work for what people differs, but some psychosis-specific coping mechanisms might be:

Taping webcams for delusions of persecution/surveillance (which is honestly also just something everyone should do with webcams that aren’t in use)

Covering/closing windows for similar reasons

Using phone cameras/audio recordings to distinguish visual and auditory hallucinations from reality (most of the time, a hallucination won’t show up on camera, though it’s possible for people to hallucinate something on a camera screen too)

Similarly, removing glasses/contact lenses to check a visual hallucination

Asking people you trust (because of stigma and delusions, this might not be a long list) to check for symptoms of an oncoming episode

Avoiding possible triggers for psychosis (for example, I don’t engage with horror media often because a lot of it -- both psychological horror and slasher-type things -- can trigger delusions and hallucinations)

I’d also like to mention that treatment isn’t a clean, one-way process; especially with certain disorders, it’s normal to go up and down over time. I’d honestly be really uncomfortable with a psychotic character whose symptoms don’t affect their life whatsoever. There are ways you can write how psychosis affects someone that are… weird, which I’ll touch on, but overall, I think it’s better to actually depict a psychotic person whose symptoms have a clear impact on their life (even if that impact is, say, they’re on medication that negates some of their symptoms).

Just to reiterate: I am not a medical professional and cannot offer real-life advice regarding treatment, especially medication. Please do not ask me too detailed questions regarding this.

5) There are a lot of stereotypes and stigma surrounding psychosis.

The way psychosis is perceived both by general society and the field of psychology has changed a lot over the years, but even now, it still remains highly stigmatized and misunderstood. Wall of text incoming, but it’s important stuff.

Typical media portrayal of psychosis tends to fall into specific categories: The scary, violent psychotic person, or the psychotic person who is so crazy you can’t help but laugh. There are other bad depictions, but these are generally the ways I see psychotic people regarded and represented the most, so I want to address them directly.

Let’s talk about psychosis in horror first. Psychosis is often stereotyped as making people aggressive and violent. You’ve all seen the “psychotic killer” trope and depictions of people who are made violent and evil by their psychosis, even if it’s not explicitly named as the case. You’ve all seen “psychotic” used as a negative adjective, used synonymously to murderous, evil, harmful, violent, manipulative, etc—maybe you’ve even used it that way in the past. There’s no denying that the way society regards psychotic people is overwhelmingly negative, and that leaks into media.

If you are considering giving a violent, irredeemable antagonist psychosis, consider this: Don’t. More or less every psychotic person hates this trope. It’s inaccurate and, needless to say, rooted in ableism.

There are racialized aspects to this as well. People of color, especially Black and Latine people, are already stereotyped as being aggressive, violent, and scary; there’s also a history of overdiagnosis (and often misdiagnosis) of schizophrenia in Black people, especially civil rights activists. White and white-passing people will only be singled out if someone notices us exhibiting psychotic symptoms, but Black and brown people are already under scrutiny. Be extra cautious about how you write psychotic characters of color.

I’m not saying you can never give a psychotic person, say, a temper; in some cases, it might even make sense. Spells of uncontrollable anger are part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD, for example, and irritability is a common trait of manic episodes. Some delusions and hallucinations can affect aggression (emphasis on can—it would be inaccurate to imply that this is always the case. Once again, each person has a different experience with their psychotic symptoms).

But when the only psychotic or psychotic-coded characters you write are angry and violent, even when the situation doesn’t call for it, then there’s a problem. When you want to write a schizophrenic character, but only in a situation where they’re going on a killing spree, there’s a problem.

Studies have shown that no substantial link exists between psychosis and violence. There is a small association, but I think it would be reasonable to say this is partially because of the stigma surrounding psychosis and various other overlapping factors; no violence or crime exists in a vacuum. In addition, though I can’t find any exact statistics on this, psychotic people are susceptible to being victims of violence (likely because of this very stereotype).

On this note, don’t use mental hospitals as a setting for horror, especially if you plan on depicting the mentally ill patients there as antagonistic and unhinged. As mentioned earlier, institutionalization is a huge trigger for many psychotic people. True, psychiatric hospitals have definitely served as a source of trauma and pain for many in the past, but mentally ill and neurodivergent people have been (and are) the victims in those situations.

Also, don’t do the “what if it was all a delusion” thing. I know this is most common in ~edgy~ theories about children’s series, but… yikes.

In the same vein that you should avoid depictions of psychotic people that are ripped straight from a bad horror movie, don’t push it too far into comedy either. You’ve heard “psych ward” jokes, you’ve seen “I put the hot in psychotic” jokes (a supposedly humorous instance of that psychotic as a negative descriptor thing), you’ve heard people say “I have anxiety/depression, but I’m not crazy!”

Even other mentally ill and neurodivergent people constantly throw us under the bus, as can be seen in that last one. We’re the butt of plenty of jokes—we see things that aren’t there, we talk to ourselves, we believe things that are just so wacky you can’t believe anyone would think that way. (Even when we don’t.)

If you have to write another character laughing at a psychotic character for their symptoms, then have it swiftly criticized in the text, and try not to imply the reader should find psychosis funny either. Treat psychotic characters’ symptoms with sympathy and understanding, not ridicule.

Psychotic people literally cannot help our delusions/hallucinations/other symptoms. If something we think/say seems “crazy” to you, chances are it does to us as well.

(We’re talking about portraying psychosis in fiction, but this applies to real-life treatment of psychotic people, too!)

Also, I’d like to note—all of this is about the way unpsychotic people view psychotic people. If you see a psychotic person laughing at themself or viewing their symptoms as scary, then that is not an invitation for you to laugh along or go beyond symptoms and think the person is scary for being psychotic. That’s the thing about gallows humor; you have to be the one on the gallows.

Moving on! In romance, there is often a presumption that love can cure psychosis. This is false. No matter how much you love (whether romantically or platonically) and want to help a psychotic person, that alone will not “heal” their psychosis. Please do not depict a psychotic person having to be cured to be happy or in love. It doesn’t work that way.

This doesn’t mean you should stray away from romance in general—I personally would definitely like to see more portrayals of psychotic people being loved and supported, especially in romantic relationships. I’d prefer it not be in spite of their psychosis, either; it would be weird if someone loved a person because of their psychosis, but I don’t think you can really love someone whom you disregard such a large part of either.

Point-blank: Psychotic people are worthy of love and affection, and I think this should show in media as well.

In relation to relationships, I’d also strongly advise steering away from writing family members and friends who see someone’s psychosis as harder on them than for the psychotic person, unless you want to explicitly disavow this behavior. Sure, it probably is difficult for other people to witness my psychotic symptoms. But it’s harder for me to have them.

I’m not sure if this is a widely-held belief, but some people also seem to think psychosis is less common than it is. Psychotic people are all around you, and if you read that as a threat or anything like that, you might need to do some self-evaluating. We exist, online and in person, and we can see and read and hear the things you say about us!

Specifically: By the NIMH’s statistics, roughly 3% of people (3 out of every 100) in the United States will experience psychosis at some point in their lives. Around 100,000 people experience their first episode a year.

This also means that it’s possible unpsychotic people reading this will end up developing a form of psychosis at some point in your life as well. Yes, even without a genetic basis; yes, even as a full-grown adult (see how common psychosis is in neurodegenerative disorders). Now this one is intended as a threat (/hj).

Also, you can’t always tell who is psychotic and who is not. I imagine there are a lot of people who wouldn’t know I’m psychotic without me explicitly saying so. Set aside any notions you might have of being able to identify psychotic people, because they will definitely influence how you might go into writing a psychotic character, and they will definitely end up pissing off a psychotic person in your life. Because… you probably know at least one!

People often regard psychosis as a worst-case scenario—which, again, is something that occurs even by people and in works that uplift mental health in general (something I’ve mentioned before is The Bright Sessions, in which a telepath is misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and has an “I’m not crazy!” outburst). I’ve talked about treatment already, but I just thought I’d say this: Psychosis is not a death sentence nor a “fate worse than death.” It may be difficult for unpsychotic people to understand and handle; it is harder to live with. But being psychotic is not an inherently bad thing, and psychotic people should not be expected to act like our lives are constantly awful and hopeless on account of stigma.

I think that’s all I have to say, so thank you so much for reading, especially if you’re not psychotic! I hope you’ve learned something from this, and once again, fellow psychotic people are more than welcome to add on more information if they’re willing.

#sparrow.txt #pseriouslypsychotic #actuallypsychotic #writeblr #writing advice #writing tips

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autisticandroids · 3 years ago

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anyway this is kind of a sweeping generalization which i don't know if i'm comfortable making because i have watched a lot of crap scifi in my time, but not enough to make huge sweeping generalizations about the genre, however, i am going to do that anyway. ok like i've been thinking about like. Meta Episodes. as a genre.

the non-spn ones i'm thinking of are, to be clear, voyager "worst case scenario" and "muse," xfiles "hollywood ad," sg-1 "wormhole x-treme" and "200," and lucifer "¡diablo!" (although i'm not sure it's necessarily appropriate to include lucifer because lucifer is so dependent on spn for its, well. everything). i'm also tempted to include legends of tomorrow, but i don't think they really have meta episodes so much as a general background radiation of meta jokes spread across many episodes. also i'm not sure if legends has quite the same kind of specific "our lives specifically have been turned into a story" type stuff that i'm looking for. and also i have the same reservations about legends as i do about lucifer.

anyway, i would classify the spn meta episodes as "hollywood babylon," "ghostfacers," "the french mistake," and "fan fiction." and i would classify the spn meta storylines as the s4-5 chuck stuff (this includes later references to the books such as "season seven, time for a wedding!" and "clip show"), the metatron stuff, the s11 chuck stuff, and the s14-15 chuck stuff.

(i think you could make an argument that "clip show" can stand on its own as a meta episode, that "fan fiction" should be folded into the s4-5 chuck stuff, and that the s11 chuck stuff shouldn't be considered meta except for "don't call me shurley," making "don't call me shurley" a standalone meta episode, (and "don't call me shurley" isn't even that meta except in the context of s5 and s15, you could discount s11 entirely if you so chose), but these are judgement calls. i don't think my argument falls apart if they're classified differently, it's just helpful to have distinctions so i don't have to list every goddamn episode in s15 that mentions meta topics as a meta episode. also i think you could call "changing channels" a meta episode, because it's About TV and About Them Being In A TV Show, but it doesn't really fit the specific thread i'm pulling on, which is our main characters' lives which they are already living being turned into a story external to them, so i'm not including it. ditto with "monster movie" and probably some others. maybe even "it's a terrible life." these episodes would fall into the same category as btvs "once more with feeling" or futurama "reincarnation" as episodes which lean on the fourth wall and get meta about the medium and storytelling but aren't explicitly about stories about the main characters. casting the net even wider, you could even call "tall tales" meta, in the same way as xfiles "bad blood" (which it is based on) or fringe "brown betty," since it's about narratives told by the characters and adapted into a story. but again not what i'm looking for.)

anyway generally these episodes have something in common: they're about stories intentionally created based on the "real life" of our main characters. "hollywood ad," "wormhole x-treme," "200," and "¡diablo!" are all explicitly about hollywood productions based on the lives of the main characters of the shows. "worst case scenario" is about a holodeck simulation of possible events involving the voyager crew created by a member of the voyager crew, and "muse" is about an alien civilization taking logs recorded by the voyager crew and broadcast into space, and turning them into a set of religious doctrines, as well as greek-style plays. (it's also clearly a love-letter to galaxy quest, since it came out only six months later, and is essentially a version of galaxy quest not played for comedy).

(of all these episodes, "worst case scenario" is imo the most unique, and i would recommend giving it a watch even if you're not a trekkie or a voy fan. it does something very different with the "meta" premise than other meta episodes, which is interesting because it's also the earliest to air of the ones that i've listed. "muse," as i've said, is copying galaxy quest, and all the others are copying "hollywood ad," which is also probably kind of copying galaxy quest, especially since it aired around the same time as "muse." but "worst case scenario" has its own thing going on. it does something really unique with the meta premise, it turns the main characters of the show into a writers' room and debates over who has ownership of a text, as well as the usual debate over the ethics of turning real people into fictional characters. it's also i think the only meta episode from any show that presents a coherent discourse on not just fandom but fanfiction specifically. even the musical from the spn episode literally entitled "fan fiction" is primarily an adaptation, not taking the story in a new direction except in a few throwaway lines, while "worst case scenario" is literally about an imagining of the story of voyager where things went in a different direction.)

and the early meta stuff in spn is also like that. "hollywood babylon," "ghostfacers," and the s4-5 chuck stuff follow that approximate pattern ("hollywood babylon" is even a very explicit copy of "hollywood ad" in terms of plot, setting, etc). the film in "hollywood babylon" isn't based on the winchesters' lives, per se, but it is based on the supernatural world which they inhabit. "ghostfacers" is about them literally being in a reality tv show which is again based on the supernatural world. and the s4-5 chuck stuff could almost be considered a reverse galaxy quest, with religious doctrine being turned into a pop-culture cult phenomenon instead of the other way 'round. like in all of these cases, the winchesters' lives are something that exist independent of a narrative, and then they are observed by an outsider, and then the outsiders turn these observations of real life into a narrative. but it never casts aspersions on the legitimacy and reality of the winchesters' actual lives. (interestingly, "fan fiction" is also very much this trope. it might actually be the closest spn gets to having a "hollywood ad" of its own, since it's an actual adaptation of the winchesters' lives, which we get to see and comment on.)

the first time this pattern is broken is in "swan song," when chuck disappears. which like, hints, very slightly, that he might have been more than a prophet. like he might have had more agency in the story than a passive observer. and obviously this is confirmed retroactively in "don't call me shurley," but at the time it was just a very slight implication. it was a hint. but it wasn't confirmed or anything and you could say based on textual evidence that it wasn't true.

the first time it's really broken is actually in "the french mistake." like "the french mistake" actually has something really unique going on, because the tv show supernatural that they end up in? that's not a tv show that someone made based on sam and dean's lives. it's just a tv show that independently exists, unrelated to their lives, which happens to be about them. in another universe, sam and dean are just fictional characters. which kind of casts aspersions on their reality in the main universe as well. if they can come into existence literally as fictional characters in another world, what are they in this world. like, the characters played by jared padalecki and jensen ackles in the universe of "the french mistake" aren't adaptations of sam and dean winchester: they are literally that universe's equivalent of sam and dean winchester. and that doesn't seem like a big difference. certainly "the french mistake" doesn't acknowledge it as one, the story beats in "the french mistake" follow the general pattern" of a "hollywood ad" clone, and the characters don't really question their own reality. but i think it's huge, actually, and we should pay more attention to it. "the french mistake" is unique.

#spn

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wiypt-writes · 4 years ago

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Stark Spangled Rebirth

Chapter 3: You Look Taller

Summary: Steve is transformed into the world’s first Super Soldier, but after a bomb is detonated in the SSR lab, he is soon putting his new found strength to the test.

Warnings: Bad Language words.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

Word Count- 7.5k ish

A/N: I might have taken a few liberties here with the way things worked in the Army in the 40s but, let’s face it, no more than the MCU did! Any mistakes are my own. I’ll probably spot them once posted but, whatever!

This series is my contribution of sorts to the CATF 10 Year Anniversary Challenge.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

SSR Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 2

Steve didn’t sleep a wink that night. His mind was in overdrive, his body spiking with just about as many contrasting emotions one could possibly feel all at once. Excitement, fear, pride, concern, uncertainty, determination…and then there were his thoughts about Katie and what they’d done last night. He was conflicted about that as well. On the one hand it had been so wrong, to have rubbed one another to release through their clothes, without even courting so to speak. It went against everything his Ma had taught him about treating a dame with respect, instead he’d gone head and behaved just like Bucky normally did when he paraded around in his uniform, using it to pick up any woman he could.

But on the other, nothing had ever felt so damned right to him before in his life.

He still couldn’t quite believe it, although the evidence it had happened was plain to see in his pants which he’d hastily changed and hidden in the bottom of his trunk. What he was having trouble processing was why. Why a dame like that had picked a guy like him. He still wasn’t completely convinced she wasn’t acting out of pity. Pity that he was about to undergo some transformation and had never been touched that way before.

But then she’d admitted that she hadn’t either. “What was it you said about waiting for the right partner?”

Maybe she did actually feel something for him. And whilst it hadn’t been the most conventional beginning, perhaps it might morph into something else?

With a groan he shook his head, who was he kidding? It was June, 1943 and they were in the middle of a war. He was about to be injected with some kind of serum that was either going to turn him into a soldier with enhanced capabilities or…well, he didn’t want to think about the 'or'. Either way, he knew what should be at the forefront of his mind, and a relationship with Katie Stark was not it.

He went about his morning routine as normal. Thanks to the SSR’s programme being covert, most people on the base completely ignored him as usual, which suited him fine. The last thing he wanted was people asking him questions about how he was feeling, because he simply didn’t know. This time, once he was dressed he ensured all his belongings were packed ready to be taken to his new barracks, wherever they were going to be and no sooner had he done that the door opened and he snapped to attention, saluting the soldier that had arrived along with Agent Carter.

“Hello Steve," she smiled at him.

“Good morning, Ma’am.” He said, his hand, dropping to his side and he relaxed as she instructed him to be at ease.

“Are you ready?” She asked.

“As I’ll ever be.”

“Good, follow me then.”

Grabbing his hat he headed after her, walking in silence through the camp, his eyes focussed directly ahead. Eventually he was led around to the main office buildings, outside of which a car was waiting. Peggy walked around one side where the driver opened the door for her and Steve snapped himself out of his thoughts and climbed into the other side, shutting the door behind him.

The two or so hour drive from New Jersey to their destination was quiet. Agent Carter made a little small talk, but for the most she was silent or conversing with the driver. That said, it seemed to fly by in comparison to when he had taken the trip the other way a little under a week ago. As he glanced at the buildings passing them by, one by one they started to get familiar.

“I know this neighborhood," Steve said absentmindedly as he looked out of the window. “I got beat up in that alley.” He continued watching his finger pointing out of the window, his eyebrows raised as he spotted another familiar landmark, “and that parking lot.” Another pause as his head dropped slightly, eyes on his hands which were clasped on his lap, “and behind that diner.”

“Did you have something against running away?” Peggy asked and Steve took a deep breath, shaking his head as he remembered his Ma’s words to him.

“You start running they’ll never let you stop.” He explained, once more glancing out of the window, “You stand up, push back. Can’t say no forever, right?” He gave a shrug and once more his eyes fell to his hands. He stared at them, and the longer he stared the more he thought back.

Hands that had last night traced the soft curves of Agent Stark’s hips, breasts. The vision coming in so clear, nearly like a picture show and it caused him to swallow a little, his throat and mouth feeling dry and he couldn’t help but wish that it was Katie in the car with him, not Agent Carter. Whilst the pretty, British woman sat on the seat beside him had always been pleasant enough to him, there was something about Katie that just kept him grounded if there ever were a word to describe the way she made him feel. He never once felt jittery in her presence yet now, as he sat there being quizzed on something that was actually quite personal, he was starting to feel a little angsty.

“I know a little of what that’s like. To have every door shut in your face.” Peggy spoke gently as she looked at him and Steve met her gaze for a second before she looked forward once more, and his mind strayed back to something Katie had said last night.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He looked down at his hands. “Katie…I mean Agent Stark told me about how people weren’t exactly open to the pair of you joining the SSR or the Army.”

“She did?” Agent Carter looked at him, her brown drawing ever so slightly into a frown.

Steve nodded, “last night.” And no sooner had the words left his mouth his eyes widened as he realised he’d outed the fact Katie had come to his barracks. Peggy looked at him, an immaculately shaped brow arched slightly, rouged lips curling up into a smirk at one side as Steve began to babble out an excuse. “She came to check on me, along with Dr Erskine. I mean, well, just as he was leaving that is. There was…we just…”

“You don’t need to explain. What you and Agent Stark do is nothing to do with me,” Peggy shook her head, the corner of her lips twitching as Steve hastily looked away, out of the window, his cheeks burning. “I do know one thing though...."

“What’s that?” Steve’s head whipped round to look at her.

“She’s soft on you.” Peggy replied simply “That’s why she’s been torn ever since you got picked to be our candidate.”

“Torn?”

“In case it goes wrong.” Peggy shrugged, "Or you change in more ways than physically which means you’re no longer the man she…” Peggy trailed off, licking her lips taking a deep breath before she continued “…the man she clearly cares for.”

Steve met her eyes for a second before he looked away, his stomach now twisting in knots that had nothing to do with the procedure he was about to undergo. But the warmth and excitement he had initially felt at what Peggy had said died all too fast because of course it would be just his luck to finally meet a gal that enjoyed his company, liked him for who he was, a gal who he felt comfortable with and attracted to, just as he was about to undergo whatever the hell this procedure entailed before he shipped off to goodness knows where.

Fate was a cruel mistress sometimes.

The rest of the journey passed in silence, and it wasn’t long before the car pulled up at the side of a fairly busy street and Steve frowned, following Agent Carter’s lead, climbing out of the vehicle. He took a quick look around. There were plenty of people on the sidewalks in the summer sun, going about their everyday business, none paying him any attention.

“This way.” Agent Carter spoke and he spun to follow her, taking a look up at the fairly non-descript shop called ‘Brooklyn Antiques’ which she was leading him towards.

“What are we doing here?” he asked.

“Follow me.” Peggy completely ignored his question and instead walked into the shop, Steve behind her, placing his hat on his head. The bell above the door rang as Peggy pushed it open, Steve pausing to shut it behind him as Agent Carter strolled into the dimly lit, crowded shop. It smelt of old leather, wax and furniture polish and was crammed full of all sorts of intriguing items that Steve would normally have found fascinating.

But as it stood he was just plain confused.

Peggy stopped still as an old woman with grey hair, clad in a floaty dress and a pink cardigan emerged through a set of heavy drapes and stopped, smiling at them both. “Wonderful Weather this morning, aint it?” she spoke.

“Yes, but I always carry an umbrella.” Peggy replied.

At her words the woman gave an almost in perceptible nod and moved to the desk which held the cash register. Steve heard a faint buzz and then Peggy gently gestured once more for him to follow her. He did so as she walked through the drapes the woman had emerged from into a crowded store room of sorts which held photos, heavy gilded frames, basically everything his Ma would have labelled junk. He stopped besides Peggy as she looked at a huge book shelf which covered nearly the entire back wall and then to his absolute astonishment the book shelf simply opened towards him revealing that it was actually a set of solid steel doors.

Steve’s mouth dropped open as he was now facing a huge corridor which was in use by a number of military and medical staff walking by. Agent Carter stepped in and he did the same, following her down, glancing every so often to his side at the Military Police Officers and soldiers, trying to figure out how the hell all of this was hidden from public sight on the outside. Eventually they reached a set of double doors which were pulled open and Steve found himself on the mezzanine balcony of a huge circular room filled with machinery, some kind of pod in the middle of the chamber he was looking over. It was full of doctors and technicians, all dressed in white lab coats and the entire room fell silent as everyone looked up at him. He immediately spotted Katie, stood by Dr Erskine. His eyes locked onto hers and even from the distance he was away he could see they were shining in the light of the lab.

Agent Carter took a deep breath and tuned to her right, Steve hastily following her down the metal steps to the lower part of the chamber. He strode over to where Dr Erskine was waiting, file in hand besides Katie who smiled at him.

“Hi.” She said gently and he smiled back at her, swallowing a little as his attention turned to Dr Erskine as the doctor spoke.

“Good morning.” He smiled, shaking Steve’s hand when suddenly a camera flashed as a photographer who Steve hadn’t noticed snapped a shot, causing Steve to blink a little. “Please, not now.” Erskine protested and the photographer made a hasty retreat, ushered away by Peggy as she followed him from the chamber, directing him away from the equipment and up the stairs to the side.

Steve turned to his right, looking at the pod, his eyes roving all the dials and the various components, his chest expanding as he took a deep breath.

“Are you ready?” Katie asked softly and Steve nodded his head, turning back to her.

“Good.” Erskine spoke. “Take off your shirt, your tie and your hat.”

“Maybe the hat first.” Katie quipped, pointing out the order Erskine had said the clothing items in was a little awry and Erskine looked at her, sarcastically. She met his stare with an equally sassy one of her own, a cheeky grin on her face as she shrugged.

Steve did as he was told, handing his items of clothing off to a nurse who smiled, taking it away before Erskine directed Steve up the steps to the left of the pod. He climbed up, shuffled around slightly as Katie watched him lay down, his head on the leather headrest at the top.

“Comfortable?” Katie asked him.

“It’s a little big.” Steve joked, smiling and she gave a soft chuckle, reaching out to touch his arm. Her hand was surprisingly warm and she left it there for just long enough before she pulled back as Erskine appeared by her side, smiling. “You save me any of that schnapps?” Steve looked at him.

“Not as much as I should have.” Erskine almost grimaced, “sorry. Next time” at that he stepped back. “Mr. Stark, how are your levels?”

Steve glanced to his left and for the first time caught a glimpse of Katie’s brother up close as he strode towards them, clad in a smart pair of slacks, white shirt, tie and waistcoat.

“Levels at 100%.” Howard replied as he stopped besides his sister, taking a look at Steve. Now they were side by side, the resemblance between the two was clear to see. Same nose, cheekbones, but Katie’s hair was a lighter shade, her eyes a warm, striking green where Howard’s were a deep brown.

“Good.” Erskine turned away as Howards eyes roved over Steve a little.

“We may dim half the lights in Brooklyn, but we are ready,” Howard smiled, “as we’ll ever be.”

“He’s not a damned fish in a bowl, Howie.” Katie nudged her brother as he was still staring at Steve. Howard turned to face her, his eyebrow arched, before he gave Steve one last look and headed off towards some kind of machine in the far corner of the room.

“Ass.” Katie shook her head before she glanced at Steve. “Are you sure you wanna do this?” She dropped her voice, “If you’re having any…” “I’m not.” Steve shook his head.

“Okay.” She took a deep breath, and for a second looked as though she was going to say something else but she was interrupted by Erskine.

“Agent Stark? Don’t you think you would be more comfortable in the booth?”

“Oh, erm, yeah, of course. Sorry.” She nodded and turned once more to look back at Steve. Again, she made to say something, but clearly decided against it. Instead she reached out, gave his hand a soft squeeze before she walked away. Steve watched her go and, as she approached the stairs, she stopped and looked back at him, her face softening once more into an almost shy little smile before she turned away again.

Steve’s head rolled back round, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. His heart was racing now, and he wasn’t quite sure whether that was all down to the procedure or the fact that her hand on his had jolted another memory of their time together the previous night. Luckily, before he had time to dwell on it too much, there was a loud booming noise as Erskine loudly tapped a microphone.

“Do you hear me? Is this on?” Satisfied that it was, the doctor turned and looked up at the small group gathered to watch in the glass walled room on the level above the atrium. “Ladies and gentlemen, today we take not another step towards annihilation, but the first step on the path to peace.”

As Erskine spoke two nurses pulled down the large rectangular shaped pads at either side of the chamber, laying them flush to Steve’s chest.

“We begin with a series of micro injections into the subjects major muscle groups. The serum infusion will cause immediate cellular change.” Erskine continued as the nurses retrieved the vials of blue coloured liquid, slotting them into the appropriate receptacles along the side of the chamber by Steve’s hips. “And then to stimulate growth, the subject will be saturated with Vita-Rays.”

Erskine walked back to Steve’s side as a nurse approached him with a syringe. She inserted it into Steve’s shoulder and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as she pulled the needle out of his skin.

“That wasn’t so bad.” Steve spoke, pleasantly surprised at how easy that had been. He wasn’t a huge fan of needles, having spent most of his childhood one way or another being stabbed by them for his various ailments, but he’d learned to cope with them.

However, his relief was short lived.

“That was penicillin.” Erskine looked at him and Steve felt not only apprehension creeping back into his system, but a deep embarrassment at being so dumb as to think it would be that simple.

Erskine then cleared his throat and spoke once more to the others in the room. “Serum infusion beginning in five, four…” at that two further pads like the one on his chest lowered, cuffing his arms a little “…three, two…” Erskine gently patted Steve’s shoulder “…one.”

Steve felt the sharp cone-like spikes of the pads attached to his body piercing his skin and he could actually feel the serum as it flowed into his body. It was cold, like he’d dipped each limb into an icy lake, and the shock of it forced his eyes wide open.

“Now, Mr. Stark,” he heard Erskine say and, after a second or two he felt the pod move into an upright positions, the sides and top parts enclosing him inside. He gave a snort as he realised that the glass screen at the front, designed for whoever was in here to be able to see out of was a good 6 inches too high.

Steve took a deep breath and then there was a little knock on the outside of the capsule.

“Steven, can you hear me?” Erskine asked.

“It’s probably too late to go to the bathroom, right?” Steve joked, making light of what was happening, the sweat already beading on his brow. And, if he was honest, he probably could have happily peed right then, more out of nerves than anything else.

“We will proceed.” Steve heard Erskine say and then a few seconds later the capsule he was in was flooded with a warm light, as the Vita Rays were turned on.

“That’s ten percent.” Steve could hear Howard’s voice. “Twenty percent. Thirty…that’s forty percent.”

As the count increased so did the intensity of the light and heat. What started off feeling like a pleasant dose of summer sun was rapidly becoming unbearable. Even the brightest sunlight he’d ever been in on Coney Island during the summer was nothing compared to this. He skin felt like it was on fire.

“That’s fifty percent. Sixty. Seventy.”

Despite his best attempts, the burning was simply too much and Steve couldn’t keep the yell of pain from bursting out of his mouth any longer as the vita rays washed over him. He was hot, hotter than he had ever been before. His skin was bubbling almost as if his blood was boiling similar to a kettle of water. He was vaguely aware of voices outside the chamber and herd Katie’s loud yell as it rang around the air.

“Shut it down.”

Erskine’s voice hit his ears as the doctor banged on the chamber he was in “Steven!”

“You heard her, shut it down!” Agent Carter’s voice was clear and then he heard Erskine once more as the Doctor frantically shouted.

“Kill the reactor, Mr. Stark! Turn it off! Kill it! Kill the reactor!”

“No, don’t!” Steve yelled back, finally finding his voice. There was no way he was quitting, not after he’d come this far. He could take this. Pain was nothing, he felt it every day of his damned life. “I can do this!”

Famous last words. The heat increased, the pain increased, it was too much. Every muscle in his body was searing in agony and it felt like someone was lancing him with red hot needles over and over again…

But then suddenly it went dark. The pain was gone, the heat was gone and all Steve could feel now was an overwhelming sense of calm and tiredness even, like he’d just been on another one of those damned runs with the unit. His chest was heaving as he gulped in air, his head falling to the side as panted, waiting for his body to recover. After waiting, for what seemed like forever but was in reality mere seconds, he heard Erskine call out to Howard again and then the doors to the pod opened, the cool air hitting Steve’s perspiring skin.

He stumbled out of the pod supported by two people, he had no idea who, as his eyes were screwed shut, his head bowed as he took deep gulps of air. His legs felt heavy and he was a little unbalanced, as if his centre of gravity had changed somewhat, but as he took a shaky step forward he noticed how clear his chest was. His breathing wasn’t wheezy in the slightest and with every breath he took he felt stronger, less lightheaded. All in all, despite feeling completely overwhelmed he felt good.

“I did it.” He panted a little, his eyes still closed as he took a shaky step forward.

“Yeah, yeah. I think we did it.” Erskine’s voice came from his right, followed by Howard’s from his left which was laced with pride.

“We actually did it.”

“How do you feel?” Another familiar voice spoke and with a deep breath he straightened up and looked down at Katie before he glanced around the chamber and realised that for the first time in his life he was looking down at people.

“Taller.” He answered a little facetiously, glancing at Katie as she reached out to touch his chest, swallowing a little as she hastily withdrew her hand.

“You look taller.” She handed him a T-shirt she took off another member of the nursing staff. Steve took it with a thanks and moved to pull it over his head, his breathing finally evening out and he turned to face a doctor who approached him a little nervously.

“Mr. Rogers, we just need to-“

But whatever it was that they needed Steve never found out as at that point there was a loud explosion from the room over the atrium, showering them in glass. Instinctively, Steve pulled Katie towards him, curling his body around hers to shield her from the debris before he stood up tall as he heard Erskine yelling.

“Stop him!”

Then there was a gun shot and, as he wheeled round, he saw Erksine drop to the floor. Katie pushed past Steve whipping a gun from her hip taking aim as the culprit ran up the stairs with the two female agents in persuit.

Steve knelt beside Erskine, his eyes locking onto the doctor's as he struggled for air. Erskine opened his mouth, but shut it again, and Steve realised from the blood that was pooling around the doctors body, there was nothing he could do. Erskine raised his right hand, and simply prodded Steve’s chest gently, right above his heart, similar to the way he’d pointed at him the night before.

“Not a perfect soldier, but a good man…”

The words echoed in Steve’s brain as he watched Erskine’s eyes close as his head rolled to the right, his breathing stopped. Steve took a deep breath of his own and felt another heat radiating through his body, this one out and out anger as he raised his head slowly to look at the stairs the suspect had run up mere moments ago. His jaw clenching he sprang to his feet and ran off, taking the steps two at a time.

As he sprinted through the facility he could hear gunshots and explosions from the street and as he emerged into the street he saw the woman from earlier led on the floor, not moving, a wound to her chest. Vaulting over her he saw Katie to his left tending to someone who was down on the sidewalk, whilst Agent Carter was stood in the road, un-moving, arm raised as she shot at a Yellow Taxi which was driving straight for them. He threw himself at Peggy, taking her out of the path of danger as the car sped past

“I had him!” Agent Carter said with an air of annoyance as they both climbed to their feet.

“Sorry!” Steve yelled as he started to run after the car, surprised momentarily at the way his legs just seemed to move with little or no effort, covering far more ground than he was used to. He picked up the pace, tracking the car as he went, taking a short cut down a road to his left. But he was going too fast and, as he rounded a corner, he lost control over his new power and crashed straight through the window of a Bridal Wear store, taking out the display. He jumped back up, straight onto the street, tossing another apology over his shoulder as he cut down a narrow alleyway with a chainmail fence at the bottom.

The fence was ten feet tall, easily, and Steve picked up speed a little more with the aim of jumping as high up it as he could get before scrambling over the top, but as he took off from the floor he realised that he was going to clear it. He was going to clear a ten foot fucking fence.

Tucking his legs up, he landed easily and ran out onto a street full of cars, his hands held up, protests of “woah, whoa, whoa” slipping form his mouth automatically as they all skidded to a stop trying to avoid him. He spun to his left, spotted the cab and continued his chase as it weaved itself in and out of the traffic.

He was gaining on it now and he dug a little deeper, realising he had a lot more energy in his tank, his bare feet slapping the wet concrete of the ground. As he drew closer to the car he knew that the only way to get the vehicle to stop was by getting inside it, and to do that he needed to physically get hold of it first of all. An idea suddenly came to him as he saw a car in front of him and he approached he hopped up onto the trunk then the roof, and then to the car in front before jumping onto the back of a truck. With a final leap he flung himself at the yellow taxi landing flat on the roof, his hands gripping either side of the sills above the doors as it began to sharply weave side to side. It took a sharp turn to the left, then right, then left again, forcing Steve to adjust his hold as it tore down a narrow street before emerging on the road which led to the pier. This gave Steve a little time to steady himself and he rose tentatively onto his hands and knees before there was a loud bang and a bullet shot through the roof of the car. Another few shots came, Steve dodging them all as he slid down the side of the car, wrenching the passenger door open. But before he could climb in, the man shot at him, meaning Steve had to let go with his right arm to avoid taking the bullet straight in the chest, but by shooting at him, his target had taken his eyes off the road, meaning he hadn’t noticed the two trucks emerging in front of him. The taxi crashed straight into them and flipped over sideways, beginning to roll and Steve let go, tumbling forward onto the floor before he came to a stop.

Steve rose to his feet and headed forwards as his target crawled from the car. He watched as the man stood, pointing his gun towards Steve and shot, missing him, the various people screaming as the gun went off. Steve picked up the door of the car which was lying in the road and held it in front of him as the man shot twice, the second bullet coming through the door and grazing the left hand side of Steve’s abdomen. As he peered round the side of the door he noticed that the man had now taken a young boy hostage, his arm pinned around his chest as he dragged him backwards, the boy’s mother screaming and begging for him to stop. Steve tossed the door to the side, following him, his right hand clutching at the wound to his left.

“Get back!” The man warned with the boy dangling in his arms as he backed away. Steve dodged another bullet, flattening himself against the wall. The man ran off towards the dockside and Steve followed using a large iron buoy as shield from another incoming shot. He hastily followed, keeping his back to the damp brick of the shipping company building, and as he peered round the arch he saw the man raise his gun and press the barrel to the boys head.

Steve’s blood ran cold, “wait, don’t! Don’t!” He protested, approaching with his arms up. At that the man pointed the gun at Steve and pulled the trigger, Steve automatically flinching as he awaited the shot that never came because the gun was empty. As he had nothing else to do, the hostile dragged the boy towards the side of the docks and Steve realised what he was intending to do.

“No! Don’t!”, but it was too late. With a shove the kid went flying into the water and the man turned, sprinting away. Steve ran to the edge to see the kid treading water, looking up at him.

“Go get him! I can swim!”

Decision made, Steve sprinted after his target who had disappeared, but as he ran he noticed to the right in the water some kind of sleek, black submarine pulling away. With a spring off the edge Steve dove into the icy, cold water, swimming in the vessel's slipstream. Whether the sub wasn’t going that fast, or if it was his ability to simply swim faster, Steve had no idea, but he caught it easily, punching straight through into the cockpit, flooding it with water. He then wrenched the canopy open and pulled the man sharply upwards sending him flying straight out of the surface and onto the cold stone of the dockside where he landed with a thud.

Steve followed quickly, climbing a set of steps out of the water and as the man got up, Steve saw the flash of a blade in his hand. With a reflex that was purely automatic, he dodged out of the way aiming a kick to the man’s chin which sent him sprawling backwards. The knife flew from his hand, but so did a familiar vial which Steve suddenly realised was full of Erskine’s serum. It shattered on the floor, the blue liquid pooling on the damp cobbles as Steve gripped the lapels of the man’s jacket, pulling him harshly forwards.

“Who the hell are you?” He demanded.

“The first of many," the man spoke in a thick accent. “Cut off one head-” at that he popped a tooth loose and swallowed it, looking at Steve, his jaw set, “-two more shall take its place.”

Steve frowned, perplexed as none of that made any sense, until he spoke again, through the foam that had now started to bubble from his mouth.

“Hail HYDRA!”

With that the man gave a little grunt, his pupils completely dilated as he grew heavy and limp in Steve’s grip. Steve let go, the body falling to the ground as he straightened up, his chest heaving as he stared at the dead man on the floor.

Steve couldn’t help the disappointment flooding his system at the fact he hadn’t managed to capture him alive. But that said, whilst he hadn’t managed to find out who he was exactly, he now knew who he was working for and at least they’d managed to stop the serum from falling into the wrong hands.

The serum.

At that Steve glanced down at his hands, which were both significantly larger, then to his forearms where the muscles flexed as he opened and closed his fists. With everything that had happened he hadn’t had chance to appreciate the extent to which the procedure had actually enhanced him. He’d run with a speed he had never thought possible, his lungs had stretched to a capacity that now, he thought about it, stunned him, his ability to swim the way he had, leap, the pure athleticism he had displayed in that short ten minute chase was astonishing.

His hands flew to his stomach to find a hard set of abs, his fingers tracing the definition of the planes of muscle under the wet t-shirt which clung to his body. His hands moved upwards almost tentatively, reaching the hard curve of his pecs and it was at that point a voiced broke through his stunned thoughts.

“Steve!”

He looked up to see Agent Stark running towards him. Behind her, Agent Carter and a few other soldiers and police officers were working to keep the now assembled crowd on the pier back. “Are you okay? You’re bleeding.”

Steve glanced down at his shirt and noticed for the first time the blood on the white material. He shook his head.

“He shot me but it's just a graze, I’m fine.” He jerked his head towards the guy on the ground by his feet. “More than can be said for him…”

She glanced down at the body on the floor, blinking as if she was seeing the dead man for the first time before she dropped to her knees, her fingers pressing into his neck checking for a pulse.

“Did he drown?”

“No.” Steve said, and he quickly explained about the submarine and pulling the man from the water. As he explained about the vial of serum, he saw Katie’s eyes flick to the broken glass on the floor before her face darted back to Steve as he told her about the man having loosened his tooth and bit something. “I’m not sure what it was but…”

“He bit something?” Katie’s entire face changed into a look of shock, her eyes darting side to side as she wrenched the guys mouth open, her fingers jamming straight inside.

Steve grimaced. “What…”

“Son of a bitch.” she pulled her hand back and knelt back on her heels, wiping her hands very ungracefully on the side of her skirt.

“I’m not…”

“Cyanide capsule.” She sighed, “a lot of the intelligence organisations provide them to their undercover agents and they keep them hidden in a false tooth. If you’re caught, you can effectively kill yourself before you’re taken and, well…”

“Tortured?” Steve finished for her. Katie took a deep breath and shrugged.

“Questioned was the word I was going to use but…” she shrugged, looking around. “He was clearly a Nazi Spy.”

Steve looked at her, nodding. “He was HYDRA.”

“HYDRA?”

“Heil HYDRA.” Steve looked down at the dead man, “last thing he said before he died.”

Katie bit her lip, “fuck,” she mumbled, before she looked up at Steve. “Sorry, just, well Erskine warned Phillips not to be complacent about Schmidt but Phillips was adamant that Hitler was the big threat.” She bowed her head a little, her shoulders slumping and Steve took a deep breath as he realised that the Doctor was no longer with them having died in his arms little over ten minutes ago. It left him feeling hollow, sick even and from the looks of it Katie was feeling just as bad.

But now wasn’t the time.

“I err…” Steve cleared his throat a little, composing himself. “I’m not following? Why did Erskine differentiate? I mean, I thought HYDRA were Hitler’s deep science organisation?”

Katie glanced down once more before she turned her pretty face back to Steve, “Yes, they are. But Erskine always said Schmidt had ambitions beyond Hitler’s. Something Peggy backed up from her time undercover.”

At that point she made to stand and automatically Steve offered her his hand. She took it and he made to pull her up, but with his new strength he was far more forceful than he had meant to be and she gave a little yelp of surprise as she was jerked straight into his chest.

“Easy Soldier.” She gasped, her hands falling to his biceps as she steadied herself.

“Sorry," he hastily apologised, his own hands settling gently on either side of her ribcage, the rough tweed of her uniform jacket prickly under the pads of his fingers. “I’m not used to…” He trailed off as he realised that not only was he looking down at her now, but his new large frame completely dwarfed hers.

“Don’t worry about it.” Her voice was equally breathy as his, her eyes still on his face and she gave him a little smile before she moved one hand upwards, gently cupping his cheek, almost as if she was checking something, which to be fair, she might have been. Steve had no idea what he looked like, he hadn’t seen a mirror yet. The only parts of him he’d managed to get a glimpse at so far were his arms and legs.

What he did know was that her touch was blazing on his skin, more than it had been the night before. He could hear her breathing too, and he could see every single detail on her face and her eyes. Not only were they green, but they were the most gorgeous shade of green he had ever seen in his life. He could see the dots of brown speckled throughout and the slight ring of amber surrounding her irises, reminding him of the sun. Full of warmth and power….

“Hey, you okay?” Katie frowned.

“Yeah, erm, I just, I can see better.” Steve replied simply, as her hand gently curled in on itself as she dropped it to her side. “Has it…” he began to ask and Katie smiled, shaking her head.

“Still handsome.” She smiled, and Steve felt his neck flush with heat again before a voice cut through their moment.

“Did you get it?” Colonel Phillips was striding towards them. Katie moved back from Steve, turning towards her Superior, steeling her composure.

“No,” she shook her head, before gesturing to the shattered vial on the floor.

“Shit.” Phillips exclaimed with a groan.

“But neither did they.” Katie looked at him, before she turned to look at Steve once more, “And there is one upside to all this…”

“Don’t you dare tell me to look on the Brightside, Stark.” Phillips glared at her as she took a deep breath, realising her head, chin jutting defiantly towards him.

“At least we know it works," she said simply.

Phillips looked at her, then to Steve, before he gave a snort. “One isn’t enough.”

Steve inhaled deeply, his frustration mounting but it was Agent Stark that spoke next.

“Well, one is all you’ve got. I suggest you start treating him with a little more respect seeing as he just chased down a damned HYDRA operative through twelve blocks of Brooklyn, pulled him out of some underwater craft and took a bullet for his troubles.”

Phillips’ jaw twitched at the way he was being spoken to and Steve grimaced slightly in anticipation of the incoming dressing down Katie was going to get, but it never arrived.

“HYDRA?” Phillips blinked and Kate nodded.

“Yes, Sir.”

The man took a deep breath and then turned to Steve, his eyes travelling up and down his body “Rogers, you hurt?”

“No, Sir.”

Philips inhaled again and then turned to Peggy “Agent Carter, I want a recovery unit down here for this so called underwater craft. You two…” he spun back to face Steve and Katie, “back to the lab so the Medical Team can assess you. If you are truly the only super soldier I’m getting, then the last thing I want is you to drop dead of complications.”

“That means he cares," Katie looked up at Steve who glanced at her as he saw a smile tug at her lips.

“You’re gettin’ on my nerves,” Phillips pointed at her, before he gave her a filthy look and turned to leave.

“Is it authority in general you got a problem with or just him?” Steve asked after a moment or two and Katie let out a little chuckle.

“Believe it or not I actually like Chester.” She smiled, “I just enjoy irritating him more. Come on, we’re attracting a bit of a crowd so…” She gently squeezed his hand before she began walking the same way Colonel Philips had done a few moments before, Steve following, pausing slightly as he felt a tug on the side of his T-shirt. He stopped and turned to find the kid who he’d last seen bobbing up and down in the muggy water of the docks grinning up at him.

“That was swell!” The kid laughed and Steve raised his eyebrows.

“That’s not exactly the word I would use…”

“No, but the way you ran and jumped in and then threw him outta the water like BAM!” The kid smirked and Steve felt his neck growing warm at the praise, raising a hand to rub at the back of his neck. “What’s your name, Mister?”

“Err Steve.”

“Marty!” A voiced called and the boy turned, Steve following his gaze to see a woman who had been stood talking to a police officer, hastily making her way over. “Come on.”

“Ma’am.” Steve greeted her as she stopped in front of him, taking a breath.

“You saved him.” She said, her voice cracking.

“Oh, no, I…”

“Thank you,” she stood on her toes and kissed Steve’s cheek before she dropped an arm round her son’s shoulders and turned him away, gently talking to him.

Steve stood stock still for a moment, swallowing, before he turned to see Katie watching him, her eyebrow arched a little, smile spread across her pretty face.

“A regular superhero,” she teased and Steve rolled his eyes at her as he fell into step besides her.

“Hardly.” He scoffed, “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.”

Katie stopped and turned to face him, shaking her head, “you still don’t get it do you?”

“Get what?” He frowned as she began to walk again.

“How many other kids from Brooklyn do you know that would have just done what you did?”

“Well its hardly a fair comparison is it?” Steve pointed out as they walked down the side of the building, Katie nodding to Agent Carter as they passed “How many others do you know that just got converted into…well, a Super Soldier or whatever the hell they’re calling me?”

“You had no idea what that serum had done, other than make you taller,” Katie shot back as they moved back towards the entrance of the pier. “But you took off after that guy, without so much as a second thought for your safety.”

“I just did what anyone would have done.” He sighed, a little uncomfortable at her praise.

She stopped at the side of a black car and turned to face him, her face soft, “no, you did what that kid from Brooklyn would have done.” Her eyes remained locked onto his before they were interrupted by an Army official who handed Steve a blanket. He took it with a thanks, wrapping it around his shoulders, despite the fact that he didn’t feel cold in the slightest, in fact he felt a pretty strong sense of warmth.

And as he watched Katie climb into the car he was pretty sure that wasn’t solely attributable to Erskine’s serum which was now coursing through his veins.

**** Chapter 4

#Stark Spangled Rebirth #steve rogers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fic #steve rogers x ofc #steve rogers x original female character #Katie Stark #mcu #mcu fanfic #CATFA 10th anniversary challenge #chris evans #chris evans characters

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figuringthengsout · 3 years ago

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end of the year reading survey

How many books did you read? Did you meet your goal? Honestly, I don’t think I surpass 10 books (the count is nearer 5 than 10 i fear). HOWEVER, my goal was 5 books, so I achieved it!

Most read genre? 🤷‍♀️ It feels like it’s fantasy, but it’s probably not. I’d say YA, but I don’t really classify it as a genre.

Longest and shortest books you read. Longest is Siege and Storm (435 pages), shortest is Novecento (62 pages).

Favorite book published in 2021? I didn’t read a book published in 2021, but I’m really looking forward to reading Never by Ken Follett, which came out this year!

Favorite debut book in 2021? I think the only debut novel I read this year is Seven Ways We Lie and I really liked it. So that one!

Favorite book not published this year? Novecento.

A book that lived up to the hype. Siege and Storm.

A book that did NOT live up to the hype. Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke. I was expecting a more psychological approach to the “horror”, I just felt grossed out by it.

Book that felt like the biggest accomplishment. Academic readings (I’ll cross that out because I don’t count them). I’ll go with Seven Ways We Lie because I honestly didn’t believe I would finish it. Not because of the book, though, the book is really good.

Favorite character. I mean, I feel like me saying Mal (Siege and Storm) is mandatory, but also Alina and David. I also really loved the characters in Seven Ways We Lie too (especially Lucas, Olivia and Matt).

Least favorite character. Juniper in Seven Ways We Lie for sure. I really wanted to skip her chapters.

Most shocking book/moment. I mean, not shocking per se, but the whole development of Alina and Mal’s relationship. Some moments really left me speechless.

Favorite couple/OTP. Mal and Alina, of course. Despite their up and downs I’m still rooting for them 🥺. But Matt and Olivia really surprised me, I really loved them.

The best written book you read this year. I have to go with Novecento, I just love it so much and the first time I read it it really inspired me. The reread didn’t change it. It flows so well I get actually lost in it.

Book that you pushed the most people to read in 2021. Unrelated to the ones I’ve read, but Shadow and Bone thanks to the Netflix’s show. Sadly no one picked it up (but they did watch the show 💪).

Favorite book cover of the year. Siege and Storm (it also matched the sheets on my bed, which is a plus).

Favorite book adaptation. Novecento adapted into The Legend of 1900. But I can’t help but mention Shadow and Bone on Netflix, even if it’s not the adaptation of Siege and Storm.

What book made you cry the most? Honestly, I don’t remember crying, but Siege and Storm did make me emotional.

What book made you laugh the most? Maybe Seven Ways We Lie (?), the characters have the right balance between seriousness and comic-relief.

A new favorite author you discovered this year. Mhh, I didn’t really discover anyone new. So I’ll pass this one.

Favorite book you re-read this year. I’m sorry for the many times I had to already repeat myself, but Novecento.

What is the best non-fiction book you read this year? The Ambivalence of Show Me Love by Stenport. Not really a book, but I feel like I have to go with this paper I read about the movie Show Me Love that (in short, like, I’m honestly not making it justice) identified the differences between the Male Gaze and the Queer Gaze in movies and how love in movies is portrayed differently thanks to the shift of the focus. Normally the focus in on the “gazed one” (with the male gaze), but in the Queer Gaze the focus shifts to the “gazer” and on their reactions caused by the object of their love. I don’t know, it really made me think and I felt like my third eye was opened haha I reevaluated my way of writing love/falling in love thanks to this.

Thank you @bloody-wonder for still considering me a bookworm after this miserable reading year! 😂

I’m tagging @ethantorchios @holygrround @essence-29 @im-booksmart @sir-see @siriuslyarrogant @criswisstuff @candydancey No pressure, but I am actually curious about all the books I missed this year 😂

#Special thanks goes to Sofia for actually letting me borrow Siege and Storm otherwise I wouldn't even have been able of reading 5 books #You made it possible hahah #Also hi to all the mutuals I don't really talk to #no pressure to do this but i'm looking for books to add to my tbr and i'm curious #books #roba mia

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years ago

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hello! i hope you have a happy holidays!! just a question: do you know any good crossover fics? :0 thanks so much! 🥰

Hi Nonny!!

Thank you! My holiday season was great <3 Sorry for the delay on the reply, but your ask was a great one because I’ve wanted to do an update list to my “movies and books” list, so I’m updating it to just “crossovers” because I have more to add and that makes me happy!!

This list ended up getting split across two asks, so for this one, this list is all my bookmarked fics. A part 1.5 with my MFL’s is coming shortly with another ask, and I ask y’all hold off to add your own suggestions to that list instead, please :) Thank you!

CROSSOVERS and FUSIONS (Feb 2021) Pt. 1