#this and the way that they’re terrified of putting anything out without an a list star in the billing

[poebrey]

apple tv originals all look like they’re shot and edited the same way, I keep expecting to find “Shot on iPhone” in the credits before a pan to Tim Cook talking about the latest chip developments

[reid-enthusiast]

I Love You

Compared to some of the things the members of his team liked to do when they had a couple days or so off- party, girls, men, drink, Spencer liked something much tamer; movie nights. 

Specifically, movie nights with her. 

He spent a lot of time away from her, so much more than he really likes but she’s insisted that it’s okay because she understands the degree of commitment his job takes, but whenever he’s home, they’re both curled in on each other with a movie list at the ready for them to pick from.  

She loves to watch romcoms. 

He loves what she loves. 

Tonight was one of those nights. The team had just gotten back from a particularly tough case, a man going around raping woman and the disemboweling them, and all he wanted to do was crawl into her arms and forget everything outside the two of them existed.  

When he stepped into their shared apartment and kicked off his shoes, his eyes were immediately scanning the area, looking for her. His eyes latched onto where he saw her. She was sitting on the couch, her back to him, knees bunched up to her chest, book placed over said knees, a blanket draped over her legs as she was humming softly to herself.  

“Angel,” His voice was strained, and it cracked slightly on his name for her. Instantly as soon as the first syllable was out of his mouth her head was whipping around and a huge smile spread across her face. She scrambled off the couch, tripping slightly over her blanket in her haste to get to him.  

As soon as she was close enough she was launching herself at him, and Spencer, fully expecting it wrapped his arms around her waist, bringing her feet slightly off the floor so he could burry his face in her neck without hurting his back. He took in a deep breath, took in a lung full of her scent, a scent that covered every inch of his clothes, every inch of his life.  

Despite the fact that he hates being gone for so long he loves coming home to her. It makes everything bothering go away. It made the world seem okay again. She made the world seem a little bit brighter than it was. She was his world. 

She pulled back a little and so did he, but not before taking in one more deep breath of her scent before lowering her slowly back down to the floor. Her smile was still evident but it had softened sligthly, it was more tender than it was excited. Her arms dropped from his neck where she’d been previously clinging to, to rest against his chest so she could cup his cheeks, her eyes raking over his features, committing every single one to memory.  

“Spencer,” She whispered softly, her voice filled with tenderness and longing. He leaned down in response and gently pressed his lips to hers.  

Considering all he knew about the human mouth and the germs passed through kissing he should be disgusted by it, but he’s come to find he could never be disgusted by anything she did, or anything involving her. He was so in love with her sometimes he felt like he couldn’t breathe when she wasn’t near him. It was scary. 

Scary in the sense of he’s never felt this all-consuming type of love before. It was foreign to him, and he didn’t know exactly what to do with it. On one hand he was hesitant to tell her because he was terrified of losing her, not that she would leave him but more so that someone having a connection to an unsub they’d put away would find her and take him from her, but on the other hand he wanted to scream it. Scream it in their tiny little apartment so she could know how profound it felt to love her. Spencer wanted her to know that. He needed her to know that.  

He also knew that she loved him. He could see it when she looked at him with complete division. That scared him too at first. To have someone be so completely and utterly in love with you was scary, but not as scary as feeling the same way about them. He knew she hadn’t said anything out of respect to him. When they’d first gotten together, he’d voiced his opinions about wanting to take things slow. They’d been dating for about seven months now; they’ve been living together for about a month out of those seven. They hadn’t kissed till a month and a half into those seven. He hadn’t done a lot of things until later in their relationship. They have yet to get...intimate. He’s still mustering up his courage on that one and thinks that if he can’t tell her he loves her then he has no right to go to bed with her.  

At least in that sense.  

Spencer was ready to tell her though. He’s been thinking on it for a while, the pros and the cons. The pros out weighed the cons by thousands and he’d been trying to find the right time to tell her. When he got home and saw her run up to him like she did he knew now was the right time. He knew he wouldn’t be able to wait any longer. 

He pulled back from their gentle kiss, his lips aching with the need to be put against hers again. He shoveled it down and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could she placed a finger against his lips, gently shutting him up. 

“I can see it in your eyes. I know what you’re going to say, and I just want to know that you dont have to. Not if you’re not one hundred percent certain.” She pushed back the long strands of his hair behind his ears and tilted her head to the side, her smile getting smaller slightly. Not because she was unhappy but because she understood what he was feeling, they’d talked about it before and he’d voiced his concerns to her regarding the big “L” word and everything that comes with it. She told him that she had been feeling the same way. Telling someone you love them is a big commitment, and she didn’t want to be one of those couples that just throw the word around so much it lost its meaning and importance.  

“I want to say it,” He whispered to her, and he took her hands away from his cheeks and pressed gentle kisses to the pads of her fingers.  

“I need to say it,” He took in a deep breath and forged ahead, shoving down any anxiety he was feeling. “I need you to know how...how absolutely in love with you I am, because that's what this is. That’s what this feeling is. I’ve known I’ve loved you for...well I think some part of me has always been in love with you,” He gave her a soft smile and trailed the tip of his fingers over her cheeks, his touch feather light and slightly ticklish. 

She leaned forward and placed her forehead against his chest, hiding the tears that filled my eyes in reaction to his words.  

“You are to freaking sweet for your own good, you know that?” she spoke softly, her voice slightly hoarse. She felt Spencer’s hands move to his upper arms and he pulled her towards the couch. He sat down and she immediately scrambled to sit on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. 

They stayed like that for a while. Just hugging each other on the couch, but after a while she pulled back and cupped his cheeks, her head tilted to the side as she stared at him, her eyes roaming over his face, taking in every detail she possibly could and committing it to memory. 

“I love you too,” she finally told him, and the smile that spread across his face was blinding. She sucked in a sharp breath and placed a kiss to his forehead, whispering the words again, then she kissed his cheek and whispered the words again. She kissed all over his face, whispering ‘I love yous’ after each kiss. Finally, she had one last place to kiss, his lips. She stared into his eyes, her gaze completely unwavering as she leaned her forehead against his and whispered the words again. 

“I love you, Spencer Reid. Always have, always will,” She finally pressed her lips against his and savored the feeling. His lips were always soft, never chapped, and he kissed with his whole heart. His arms moved around her waist and pulled her closer to him, reveling in the feeling of her body against his.  

She leaned back, breaking the kiss, and ran her fingers through his hair. Spencer tipped his head back and let out a soft sigh at the feeling. She stared down at him, her heart beating wildly in her chest and her mind raging with thoughts she had no idea what to do with. Her hands stilled; fingers still tangled in his hair. He tipped his head up slightly and opened his eyes a smidge. 

“What’s wrong?” He murmured, taking in the expression on her face. His breathing hitched and he sat up straight, a pang going through his heart and worrying thoughts running through his head.  

She shook her head and placed a kiss to his forehead. “Stop over thinking, I just...” She laughed softly to herself and shook her head in slight disbelief.  

“I’m just trying to convince myself this is real, you know? Cause honestly when you told me you loved me, I swear I thought I was dreaming,” Spencer moved his hands from her waist to cup her cheeks, running the pads of his thumbs under her eyes, right over her cheek bones.  

“I feel like that all the time,” He confessed to her, the smile he gave her was one of understanding and when he leaned back again, he took her with him. She rested her cheek against his shoulder and took a deep breath, inhaling his scent just like he’d done to her when he’d first gotten home. 

“So, what movie do you want to watch tonight?” He asked her softly, his fingers running through her hair. 

“500 days of summer,” she murmured, and he chuckled in response. I reached for the remote and turned on the movie. 

 Just before it started, he whispered softly to her, “I love you.” and kissed her cheek as the movie began playing. 

[blu3haw4]

Teaser

Second and original on the list of commemoratory posts for the anniversary of the 100 finale, a teaser of a very late future shot for Wanheda’s dagger week. (born from a prompt sento to me along long time ago)

Highly recommend reading it as a movie trailer with “This is how we do” by Katty Perry playing on the background

“I just-” Lexa groaned  “I was-”

“Thinking with you pussy, clearly”

“Raven!”

“How could you be so stupid?! Okay. Whatever!” Raven rolls her eyes “Now…” She leans forward conspiratorially with a smirk “Details!”

She forgot anything she thought as an answer when she turned to look at the absolute goddess standing now next to her.

//

The Night Before

//

//

Raven took her shot clean before turning to the blonde “Thank you for that. I’m Raven, and this-” She grabbed Lexa’s arm and swiftly moved out of her stool and placed Lexa on it “Is my bff Lexa. Have fun!” she shouted before scurrying away.

//

Chasing her lips as they both smirked. “I’m Clarke. By the way”

//

“Here it goes” Clarke lets out

“What does?”

//

“You have no idea how hot your response was” Clarke whispers directly into her ear, they’re engrossed in this push and pull of moving to initiate a kiss and withdrawing a second after, chasing and dodging a kiss that they both so desperately want but neither is willing to give into… yet.

//

There isn’t any cathartic moment before they decide to leave, it’s really just them dancing and kissing one moment and the next Lexa is leading Clarke out of the dance floor to where she last saw Raven.

//

Even without music they slide right back into their chase, kissing shoulders and necks, sucking on earlobes and biting jaws.

//

When Lexa expected a quick foreplay before hurrying to bed, Clarke took her time kissing all over Lexa’s neck and shoulder, biting her earlobe collarbones and jaw, always going back to her lips for a heated kiss

//

“Put me down” Lexa sighed into Clarke’s mouth, needing to have a little control over the situation.

//

With one boob in her mouth and the other in her hand, Lexa’s free hand moved to single-handedly unbutton and unzip Clarke’s trousers

“Clarke, look at me” she ordered

Raven whistles, cheering her on “That’s what I’m talking about! This is why we’re friends”

//

Present time

//

//

“Okay, what’s next? Are we about to make me really fucking angry?”

Chuckling, Lexa bites her lip “Almost” she smirks…

//

“How though? For her to have f- Oh! … Oh” Raven smirks devilishly at her

//

“well she reached out…” she continued quickly “and I… well, I wasn’t gonna complain” she finally looked at her best friends smirking conspiratorially.

“Nah-ah!” Raven shakes her head, giggling

//

“Damn!” Raven nods approvingly “Told ya… kinky”

//

Lexa sighed daydreaming a little, caught in the memory of just how much fun she had with Clarke. “I just had to kiss her”

 //

“Wait- Hold on” Raven raises her hands, frowning so deep that her eyes close for a moment. “You noticed?”

“We talked about it. Actually”

//

“Oh yeah! Because that fixes everything!” Raven glared at her pointedly, sarcasm loud and clear. “God!” Raven covered her eyes leaning her elbow on the table “I’m terrified at the thought that half the shit that comes out of your mouth is my doing”

Lexa giggled triumphant “Thank you”

//

“this is literally the only thing that might actually save you from my rage so don’t lie to me!” Raven points angrily.

“I’m not! I’m serious!” Raven narrows her eyes still.

“For real?”

“Fuck yes”

Coming soon...

//

The Night Before

Clarke’s bedroom

//

[dontcareplusthisholeistoosmall]

Soul Eater Characters If They Had Long Acrylic Nails

maka:

spent a lot of time making sure they looked right

they match her outfit perfectly

everything she does is slowed down at first as she adjusts but she convinces herself it’s okay

the instant they prevent her from doing something she’s got two bowls of acetone and they’re coming off Tonight

soul:

is surprisingly chill about it

they’re not super long but they’re pointed

“maka wanted us both to have nails on… it’s fine”

uses them as an excuse to be lazy

“i can’t do the dishes, my nails are in the way”

black star:

comes up with a list of ways to turn them into weapons/tools

after getting used to them he absent-mindedly chews on one

this opens a whole can of worms

he will not stop gnawing on them

tsubaki:

has matching nails with liz <3

really enjoys the process of putting them on

gets rounds of applause from black star for all the many things she can do with them on

most impressive is getting her debit card out of the chip reader using her knuckles

liz:

acrylic nail queen

cannot be slowed down

tries to teach maka tricks for how to operate with fake nails but her advice is mainly “you just do it”

is constantly touching up her nails/getting a new set

no one has seen her natural nails in years

patty:

her fake nails are pretty tame length-wise and usually bubblegum pink

she doesn’t actually use acrylics bc she’s too indecisive and keeps wanting to change them

she uses the press-ons that you can get at the dollar store

gleefully picks out several packs every time

kid:

only got fake nails after liz pestered him about it for weeks straight

meticulously applies them which takes way longer than necessary

they’re black of course

cuts the pinky nails short so that he can still fire his guns

everything is chill until one starts coming off and he has to spend HOURS meticulously repairing it

once it’s done he has to inspect every single other nail to make sure they’re perfect

it’s a vicious cycle that ultimately ends in tears and a vow to never do this to himself again

crona:

got nails at a salon with maka, liz, and tsubaki

stared in awe at them for several minutes without moving

cannot bend their fingers at all

loves them anyway bc it makes them feel like a part of the group

ragnarok:

will not stop bitching about how inconvenient they are

but if someone suggests taking them off, he gets pissed

“WHY!? YOU DON’T WANT ME TO BE PRETTY!? IS THAT IT!?”

spirit:

is absolutely serving cunt

they are perfectly applied, they match his outfit, and he can do anything with them

constantly hitting that 💅

is the one that taught liz and tsubaki the card/knuckle trick

only cries a little bit when they chip during Death Scythe Things

stein:

wears them for exactly two minutes then pops them off with his teeth as casually as opening a bottle with a bottle opener

it’s terrifying to witness

[wagingmywarsbehindmyface]

hi, I watched the series yesterday and thought I could share my little essay here. please, feel free to reach out if you saw it too, and want to talk 🥹

[I’m aware I’ve been quite loud about it in the past few weeks, but as the book’s fan, as a historic nerd, and also as Jonah and Anna’s fan, I felt the urge to write something after watching the series.] As we all know, the story of the Holocaust has been portrayed on screen many times, some of the most recognisable ones being Schindler's List (1993; Steven Spielberg), The Pianist (2001; Roman Polanski) or The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas (2008; Mark Herman) I believe The Tattooist of Auschwitz will become one of them. I think it’s very unique to tell a story like this in a way it was done by its creators. It’s important to know that the inspiration was the book written by Heather Morris, who meet Lale Sokolov in early 2000s, who was a tattooist at Auschwitz II-Birkenau after he was sent to the camp in 1942. He decided to share his life story with her, and then with the whole world. After hearing it, and then writing it, it has become Heather’s mission to spread his words. Although it’s based on his own experience, it’s historical fiction novel, which the author herself emphasises. [She said: "The book does not claim to be an academic historical piece of nonfiction, I’ll leave that to the academics and historians.”] The six-episode series directed by Tali Shalom-Ezer inspired by the book under the same name unfolds the life of a young Slovakian man who in horrific circumstances finds something, which keeps him going. The love for the Slovakian girl, Gita. The main characters, excellently portrayed by Jonah Hauer-King and Anna Próchniak, give the audience hope to see the light in the darkest of places, and that’s the most important message of the story. To remain human in the most dehumanised situation, to give love and to receive it. You can see every emotion in Anna’s face even though she doesn’t say anything in a particular scene. Her portrayal of strength, optimism, and faith in the centre of hell, brings out a light. You can see the pain in Jonah’s eyes with every "I’m sorry”, he whispers to his fellow prisoners when he’s made to put the number on their arms. They’re both intuitive, sensitive, and just brilliant actors, who carry the series alongside with equally excellent Jonas Nay as SS officer Stefan Baretzki, Melanie Lynskey as Heather Morris herself, and Harvey Keitel as older Lale, in the centre. I must say I was terrified of seeing Jonas’ portrayal on his every pace or look, which only proves how incredible actor he is. It was said by the Jonah and Jonas that they first created a bond with each other in order to later enact some disturbing, uneasy scenes. It enabled them to trust each other on the set. It was amazing to see Lynskey and Keitel acting together in scenes. Their chemistry can be really felt through screen. The idea of Lale being haunted by the ghosts of the past was incredibly incorporated, even then giving us the feelings of uneasiness, tense, and fear. As the director of the series said herself: "One misconception I would want to debunk would be that when the camps were liberated that everyone lived happily ever after. Trauma is a lifelong burden to carry for the survivors. This isn't a history lesson from the past. This is something that's very much alive.” I couldn't finish without saying something about the wonderful music that was created by Hans Zimmer and Kara Talve. You know it is good when you get shivers all over your body, and the same happens when you hear the haunting melodies of violins in the very first track. The whole soundtrack is available to listen to on music streaming platforms. This series is a must watch for everyone who read the book. It is incredibly well acted, well written, well made. You can feel the sorrow, the grotesque. The Tattooist of Auschwitz depicts the duality of the human nature on full display, showing the possibility to find a light in such a hellish place, and also unfolds the monstrous, evil side of what hatred makes of people.

[isauntervaguelydownwards]

solitude (in neat little boxes)

Rusty’s never been a fan of the dark, he’d assumed it was something about how in every shadow there can be anything hiding - but in this darkness, there aren’t any shadows. There’s no light to cast shadows by.

cw: sensory deprivation, solitude, hallucinations pairing: unrequited(?) Rusty/Danny

- fill for @febuwhump day 02: solitary confinement

The room - the box - the space he’s in is utterly dark, entirely silent and so small he can’t turn around or stand up. He wouldn’t be able to, anyway, considering how tightly his hands are bound behind his back. Rusty’s never been a fan of the dark, he’d assumed it was something about how in every shadow there can be anything hiding - but in this darkness, there aren’t any shadows. There’s no light to cast shadows by.

He’s not afraid of the dark, of course not - Rusty would admit to one fear in his life, and that was losing Danny - but he’d strongly prefer if the space he currently occupied was slightly more well-lit.

As if the darkness wasn’t enough, he’s also hungry.

He hadn’t been without food within easy reach since he left the streets, twenty years and countless heists ago - he had sworn to himself that never again would he go that hungry.

Danny had made sure of it. 

He’s self-aware enough to realise that every thought he’s having - especially the nonrelevant ones - is all in a vain hope to distract himself from the fact that he’s been bound, put in a dark and tiny space, all without any knowledge of it happening.

Rusty went to bed in a large, extremely comfortable hotel bed, in the room next to Danny’s, and woke up here. Wherever here may be. 

He had spent an enjoyable five (was it five? Was it more or was it less?) minutes trying to figure out who he had pissed off badly enough recently that they’d go to these lengths to get back at him, but the list was so long it didn’t exactly give him anything to go on.

He’s got high hopes that Danny will find him soon.

Unless Danny is in a similar predicament.

In which case… they’re screwed.

After a while, Rusty had started wondering if it was some kind of sensory deprivation tank he was in - there was no sound, no light, only what little of his surroundings he could physically feel - but he’s pretty certain those are supposed to be salt water? And he’s not in water.

The worst part, he thinks, besides the darkness, the hunger and the being tied up, is that he’s got no idea what time it is, or even day. How long has he been wherever it is he is? Outside, on heists and in general, he’s got a good grasp of the passage of time. The only thing he can do here is count heartbeats, and considering he’s on the verge of a panic attack constantly his heart rate isn’t all that steady.

He thinks he might have fallen asleep, for when he opens his eyes again it is to light so bright he can’t see anything.

Never pleased, his mental Danny-voice says, tone the kind of fond Rusty can only hope to hear from him.

The light, once he’s gotten used to it, reveals that he was right - he is inside a box. A plexiglass box. He can see that every side of the box - just the right size to not quite let him sit comfortably, because of course - is plexiglass, too, because the room the box is placed in seems to be made entirely of mirrors. The floors aren’t, as far as he can tell, but every wall and even the ceiling? Mirrored.

All he can see, no matter where he looks, is his own terrified eyes staring back at him from his pale face, all from a slightly hunched posture inside a plexiglass box. 

Suddenly, he has an entirely different view of zoos.

The room isn’t large, but the box he’s stuck in doesn’t occupy much of what space is available - if he weren’t tied up in a box, the room would be an ideal size to pace in. 

He thinks the mirrors might be one-way, and then considers what that means - somewhere, there is someone watching. Someone has put him in this box, in this mirrored room, for a reason.

It’s cleverly done, he gives them that - weren’t it for his hands being tied and him being stuffed in a box, there are no sensations to give anything away. There’s no draft, there’s no heat - everything is just the right temperature to give him no stimulation whatsoever. 

The only thing he has to look at is himself, and he’s never been that vain - and if he can see the despair creeping into his eyes, so can anyone.

He’s not sure how long it’s been when the lights suddenly go out and is replaced by the same impenetrable darkness he’d woken up in.

Again, he is floating in a nothingness unlike any he’s ever experienced before, and again, he’s as discomfited by it as he’s ever been.

There are several of the dark-then-light cycles, and at no point does he manage to figure out how long either period is - it might be hours, it might be days - he spends as much time as åpssoböe sleeping, because when he’s asleep at least he doesn’t see things. 

As far as he knows, there’s no history of delusion in his family, and he’s certainly never been one for hallucinations (except for one bad acid-trip in his mid-teens), so why he’s seeing shapes in the darkness that’s so complete he wouldn’t be able to see his hand in front of his face… it might be the solitude, might be the hunger.

He’s got a feeling that at one point or another, he’s been drugged into unconsciousness rather than just falling asleep because while he is hungry and thirsty, it’s nothing like what he’d expect after the amount of time he’s spent in his plexiglass box,

The worst part, still, is how much he’s missing Danny.

He’s even started talking out loud to his internal Danny-voice, just to feel a bit of normalcy - as if he wasn’t pathetic enough already. 

Of course, it’s all hallucinatory, which is why he can swear he sees Danny lurking behind him the next time the lights go on. The Danny-visage doesn’t do anything, doesn’t speak, doesn’t raise a judgemental eyebrow, (doesn’t hand him a snack,) which is how Rusty knows it’s not actually Danny. 

He likes to think Danny wouldn’t leave him in the cramped plexiglass box, either, but then again - sometimes Rusty is a bother, he knows he is, so maybe sometimes Danny just wants to lock him up in a box so he knows where Rusty is. 

That thought nags at him for several more cycles, until suddenly - during one of the light-cycles - one of the mirrored walls bursts into thousands of shards, courtesy of a sledgehammer - and Rusty’s never been as glad to see Danny as he is then. 

[mdhwrites]

In the description are timestamps for when the tierlist properly starts, when I swap seasons and a quick jump to skip the break I took between S1 and 2. Shout out to D-Man in my Discord for being my cohost for this as it helped a lot with making sure I wasn’t getting too into my own head. For those who want to see the final verdict though:

And now for some analysis of the picks for those who want the probably bigger ticket episodes on the list and don’t want to have to scrub through a 5 hour video: NOTABLE ODDITIES: Yesterday’s Lie at D: With how I’ve praised Vee and talked about how good Yesterday’s Lie is at its own goals is actually a problem for the show overall, why is it that when trying to mostly judge the episodes on their own merits, it’s in D? Well... I explained on stream that if they cut off Luz and Camila’s conversation even fifteen seconds earlier, have the guilt trip and not the promise, the episode would easily be in S tier. Objectively I think the episode is S tier. However... This is a subjective list and I could do an entire blog as to why the promise made at the end of it LOOKS like a good cliffhanger... But if you ask questions about how it can be resolved, it is just awful. And the show knew this as it doesn’t even come up for why Luz wants to stay in the human realm. They made an entirely different, far stupider, reason for it. But it doesn’t change that me thinking about the promise made me actively dread S2B because I could not see the promise leading to anything good but it’s too big and dramatic to just ignore, even though the show effectively does ignore it. Grom at A instead of S: I still can’t fully explain this one. It’s honestly as much where my gut demanded it be as much as my mind but it is absolutely the gatekeeper for S because it deserves the rep it has. Honestly, I think it’s THE episode where my shifting opinions and analysis of the show hurts it the most because I just can’t be comfortable with the fact that Luz takes Amity’s place WAY more to prove Eda wrong and do a cool thing than specifically because Amity is afraid. Amity is more an excuse in this episode which is a similar problem to Cloud on the Horizon (which I know is likely surprising not to be in F tier but it doesn’t break any continuity or the like and at least tries to give payoff to things which I can’t always say about others) since they’re both VERY important to Lumity but Lumity doesn’t feel important to them if that makes any sense and I just can’t shake that with Grom. S TIER EXPLANATIONS: A Lying Witch and a Warden: It’s a VERY good pilot. If it were just another episode of the show, it’d probably be a high A but it might still be an S just because the ideas are so much fun and so interesting in them and presented with a lot of charm and heart that I wish was in more of the series. As an introduction though, regardless of what the show will actually be like, it’s absolutely amazing. It gets across the core (for S1) of these characters incredibly well, it shows a world that is genuinely interesting and still manages a fun adventure on top of that without feeling rushed or haphazard. It is just something I marvel at and easily deserves its spot. Lost in Language: I’ve talked about this being my favorite episode and that has not changed. It utilizes the age of the characters well, it has fun magic, it actually has the line “This isn’t what it looks like” and it’s just bluntly true, it has great comedy, a lot of cheer and the final threat of the bookmaker is TERRIFYING but also heartbreaking and actually holds WAY more threat than most other villains in the series. It is exactly what I want out of a fantasy kid’s show if you were to ask me. Also while the B plot isn’t anything special, it is fun and so it doesn’t drag down the episode. Agony of a Witch: I was honestly surprised when my first instinct was to put this or Young Blood, Old Souls in S tier. I think it’s because S1′s story with Eda and Lilith is genuinely REALLY good and this is the payoff to that and boy what a payoff it is. However, it’s much more paid off in this episode and Young Blood, Old Souls suffers from the fact that a finale is still supposed to setup the next season and... We get one episode dealing with the new status of the curse and Belos isn’t touched on properly again until S2B because fuck you. It’s not enough to drag episode down too far but it definitely solidified that my good will towards the finale is a lot more from Agony. F TIER EXPLANQATIONS: Escaping Expulsion: Murders two of its more interesting elements in plotlines that not only aren’t that fun but also barely include, if included at all, the main character that these elements are connected to. The biggest plus is that Odalia is a lot of fun as a villain but that is part of also how Amity’s potential was murdered so yeah, no. Otherwise, it’s very bog standard with a completely out of character montage from Bump and just isn’t interesting from a character perspective because everything is too easy. Elsewhere Elsewhen: Remove Luz, Eda and Lilith being stupid as rocks and the murdering of any potential that Belos or the Isles had to be interesting and you have why Really Small Problems ALMOST made F tier. This is just a boring as fuck episode. The jokes aren’t good, everyone’s an idiot, nothing is accomplished, what is is dumb and not going to pay off well in the long run and I just end wishing I’d done literally anything else with my time. It’s barely even interesting to talk about despite being a time travel episode because the time travel is so pointless and it’s not exploring the past of the Isles, it’s about being the next person Philip conned out of THOUSANDS he probably did over the years and Philip is NO FUN. Dell is the ONLY good part of this episode but that’s like two minutes at best and goes nowhere in the grander scheme of things and was definitely not worth comic relief Eda which is always the WORST because Eda is at her funniest when you’re laughing with her, not at her. Sport in a Storm: This one surprised me but it comes down to Willow’s talk with Hunter feeling patronizing because “I was called half a witch because I literally was using the wrong type of magic and now am the DEMI GOD OF PLANTS” does exactly parallel respectfully with “I was born without magic and therefore am genuinely seen as potentially of this society.” Not only that but even a moral as simple as ‘don’t judge by its cover’ is done so poorly with the fact that Hunter had EVERY reason to write off all those characters and the turn around for why they’re actually impressive is mostly bullshit. That plus the fact that the Lumity stuff is fine at best and the EC is murdered in relevancy and interest just makes this an absolutely terrible episode for me because I care about no one, what is happening is actively elements worse and it really is disrespectful to any disability allegory with Hunter. Reaching Out: This is still the worst episode in the series for me. I got a headache and cut it short because I got so mad talking about it. NOTHING functions in this episode though. It can’t even do fun tournament fights because it has no interest in that. It has no interest in having Amity and Luz properly interact, something that is just a running fact about Lumity once they’re together. The final talk with Luz makes Amity’s feelings feel like bullshit because they’re never actually addressed and Amity such little of a grudge that she doesn’t even ask for an apology. She’s entirely focused on Luz and Luz’s pain so why did you run away except for a shot of the Grom tree that doesn’t actually reflect the status of your relationship because Luz could go literally and Amity would not leave her. The ONLY saving grace of the episode is a mostly boring B plot that has good emotions but has the glaring problem that Amity ditching tryouts does of “BEING A WILD WITCH IS FUCKING ILLEGAL!” I could literally go scene by scene with this episode for why the concepts are good but then just left to rot in the gutter, and the fact that the concept for this episode is so good that it makes me say, and I NEVER say this, I could have written it better, is unforgivable for me personally. Thanks to Them: I had initially planned to put this in D because I’m always told there’s a lot of fanservice and it seems like it’s at least trying to do important things even if it’s not doing them well but... I’m sorry. Amity becoming comic relief annoys me, Luz is at her ABSOLUTE WORST as a character, period, for this episode to where her decision in this episode is something I bring up constantly because its character assassination, Belos being alive is infuriating period and they get an alright fight scene out of it but very little substantially else, it’s the entire reason why so many people are pissed that Evelyn and Caleb didn’t come back in the finale because of a very half assed attempt to go “Look, we have a sympathetic villain, we swear!” It’s also one of the few episode where the little I did watch actually made me go “I’m not crazy... This just looks bad and cheap animation wise, right?” Especially the fucking hay ride which should have been hard to fuck up because it’s a not exactly a new or complex concept. For the Future: If Thanks to Them got brownie points for trying to do important things but doing them badly, For the Future gets slaughtered for the fact in a three episode season, one episode feels like filler. Not even fun filler that’s exuberant or interesting or dealing with characters who have been treated as properly relevant to the show in over a season. It’s just filler. And I know Willow stans mad at me for that but Willow has been a plot device for other characters her entire existence so why is her ONE properly about her episode in the entire series in SEASON FUCKING THREE. Other than that, Kikimora is a terrible villain and always has been so her being one of the final threats and not being an in show joke is just fucking awful and it also includes the end of Luz’s character which is done just... The worst. It doesn’t even track with the problem she was having. She blatantly ignored that part of her mother’s speech. It’s not character assassination like Thanks to Them but this whole episode admits how few characters are real characters in this show, that it never had the themes it claims it had and has no fucking clue what to do with its own story elements to make them interesting. And a small shout out to Watching and Dreaming that is probably mostly not in F tier because I didn’t want to put literally all of S3 in F tier and at the least the spectacle of the episode (much Hollow Mind which I have to respect the ambitions of even if the execution is ass) and the fanservice makes it a satisfactory ending for the show even if it’s a meaningless one. Would I have liked it? Almost certainly not but I didn’t watch S3 for a reason. I also want to mention a final bit that I added in the stream once I had the whole thing done: I think TOH is a series that is worse than the sum of its parts. Frankly, the only episode that probably would have been S tier would have been Lost in Language if I was judging in the grander context because so much goes nowhere, or terrible, that it really does damage the enjoyment I have of the show as whole. A perfect example is that Lilith and Eda interactions are GREAT in S1... But knowing Lilith’s fate will always taint those for me unless I manage to shove them out. Similarly goes for Lumity, to such an extent it still affected the ranking of Grom. Nonetheless, this is my list. If you want my opinion on the rest, buy the right- Sorry. How bizarre. I mean go watch the video at the top of the blog. Otherwise, i hope you have a wonderful day and thank you. =========== I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[toothlesshat]

Rogue Leo au

This takes place after the events of Wormquake/The Manhattan Project, specifically focusing on the conflict of complying to Tiger Claw’s demands to call Splinter, or watching Mikey die. The traumatic event causes Leo to spiral as soon as the mission is over, and he abruptly announces he’s done being leader. It freaks everyone out, even Raph who, up until this point, had been very eager for his change to be leader. Splinter demands he take it back, but Leo snaps at him in anger for putting him in the position of being scared to call on his father in the first place. When everyone tries to convince him to stay, he unloads his pent up frustration about how difficult his team is and how tired he’s been of being in complete charge of them when all they do is argue and complain. When it starts to turn into a fight, Leo leaves the lair and disappears.

Surprisingly, he ends up at Casey’s doorstep. Initially, he comes to check on him after the worm incident, but through some of Casey’s light coaxing, Leo ends up telling him everything that happened between him and his family. He expects Casey to tell him to work it out, but Casey instead encourages him for standing up for himself (Casey has some, uh, family issues as well) and builds a lot of confidence in Leo for his decision. When Leo says he doesn’t know what to do next, Casey is confused. He figured Leo would just continue to do the vigilante thing on his own. Leo is very inspired by the idea, and asks if Casey wants to team up with him- not as an actual team, because he very pointedly doesn’t want to lead a team, but to have someone to work with. Casey excitedly accepts.

From there, things are roughly changed to remove Leo/his brothers from the episodes unless it makes narrative sense for them to run into each other. Unfortunately this means that Mazes & Mutants would be a cut episode since it doesn’t fit the tone of anything I just set up… And another thing to note is that Leo is heavily traumatized from Tiger Claw’s threat to kill Mikey. It haunts him, and it’s one of the main things that holds him back from his family. He’s terrified that he almost couldn’t protect him, and is even more scared that one day he’s going to make a decision that actually does kill someone.

Now here’s a list of episodes and how they change.

“The Lonely Mutation of Baxter Stockman”

Donnie, Raph, Mikey and April are the only ones who set out to find Kirby while Leo and Casey find out about Stockman kidnapping April after its already happened. They decide to go find April on their own end up running into the other three before the fight breaks out. The same story beats happen, but Leo and Casey stick together during it and leave with each other as well.

“Newtralized!”

This episode simply doesn’t have Leo in it. Casey is still working with the others, and Leo knows that, but there’s no hard feelings about it. The only difference in this episode is that the other three stumble their way into making plans and executing them. The point isn’t to call them stupid, or incompetent, but to get them to realize they need to work together if they’re going to get by without Leo.

“The Wrath of Tiger Claw”

This is Leo centered. Leo finds out that Murakami is attacked right as the Foot disappear, later followed by the others showing up to get their leftovers. They argue about the situation (mainly Raph, Donnie and Mikey try to argue their way into getting Leo back on the team, but he stands firm on going out on his own) until they split up again. Leo focuses on finding Karai while the team focuses on April and Casey. He does consider finding Casey first, but ultimately decides that if he can find Karai first, he might be able to convince her to leave him alone. Everything continues the same with Leo finding April and Karai on his own and bringing them back to the lair.

The end of the episode further cements Leo’s distaste for being leader since he (irrationally) feels like it’s his fault Karai was captured and Mikey is once again injured (heavy emphasis on this), and it drives him further from his family.

“Pizza Face”

Same episode lmao no notes

“The Legend of the Kuro Kabuto”

Leo decides on his own that he’s going to go rescue Karai. Raph and Donnie can sense he’s going to do something drastic and chastise him for it, which sparks another fight between them about Leo ditching them, to which Leo argues that they never listened to him in the first place. He leaves without telling them where he’s going, but Mikey convinces everyone to follow in secret.

The team tries to deal with Zeck/Bebop on their own to hide that they’re stalking Leo, but it doesn’t work out because they’re still not accustomed to working without a leader, and he gets roped in until they have the helmet. Once again, things go the same except there’s more tension with Leo’s plan to trade the helmet for Karai since none of his brothers want to do it, but Leo snaps at them again that he makes his own decisions now.

They’re still forced to work together with the onslaught of villains attacking them, and Mikey is the one who convinces his side of the team to work with Leo on rescuing Karai. Once again, they end the episode split from one another.

“Plan 10”

Leo is absent from the fight that gets Raph swapped with the Kraang. Leo is instead with Casey in the lair watching tv when Donnie and Mikey come with Kraang-Raph. Leo is briefly conflicted about whether or not he should step in and help Raph, but tags along when Casey does.

Raph awkwardly thanks Leo when he’s properly switched back to normal and they don’t talk much about it. Leo doesn’t interact with them when they get back home and misses Donnie’s reveal of the Turtle Mech.

“Vengeance is Mine”

Leo is planning on saving Karai by himself while the team is focused on whatever the Kraang have up their sleeve. Mikey notices that he’s up to something, and accidentally his plan written in a note book. He begs Leo to let them tag along, very worried that he’ll get himself killed if he goes on his own. Donnie and Raph don’t want to, but Mikey reasons that they could have a shot at taking down Shredder as well. Leo is dead set on saying no, but relents with the reality that he absolutely can’t work alone.

Everything happens the same with more emphasis on Mikey’s arm injury after they break Karai out. It scares the hell out of Leo, and he he goes to snaps at them that this is exactly why he’s stepped down as leader, but cuts himself off when he remembers they have Karai now and need to run.

Leo tries avoids his family (mainly Mikey) afterwards and focus on Karai, but the excitement gets the better of everyone and he’s wrapped up in their antics, acting like none of the tension exists between them. He doesn’t train with his brothers in the following scene, but he watches them next to Karai instead. He’s focused on Mikey’s injury, but the notion of accepting Karai into the family makes him more comfortable with his brothers than he’s been in weeks. He even jokes with them.

When Karai runs off to face Shredder (none of that flirting stuff happens btw this ship is not happening on my watch), Leo wants to go after her alone again, but with Splinter joining in on the rescue mission, he finds himself settling back into the team out of instinct. Splinter mainly calls the shots, but also is acting a lot like the leader again, and everyone is very content to follow him.

Leo, of course, doesn’t take Karai’s mutation well, and completely shuts down again. He doesn’t fight with them like they expect, instead going completely silent and leaving his family to disappear into the night. Any hope of him returning to the team is completely gone, and everyone can sense it.

“A Chinatown Ghost Story”

Leo is largely absent from this episode as a character with agency. They note that he’s been searching for Karai on his own and hasn’t been the same since she disappeared, but that’s mostly it. He still gets hypnotized but it’s by accident of him being in the area. Either that or this episode gets cut out altogether.

“Into Dimension X!”

Leo goes into the portal after Mikey first out of fear that he’s going to get hurt. A lot of this episode doesn’t focus on Leo since it’s Mikey centric, and the Leo angst doesn’t overtake it very often. Leo doesn’t get jealous over Mikey taking charge though, he’s just really anxious- Raph and Donnie do though since they’ve been leading the team as a group this entire time. Leo still praises Mikey in the end for being brilliant on earth, and hugs him out of relief that he’s safe.

“The Invasion, Part 1”

OKAY THE BIG STUFF

Leo and Donnie’s argument is a big deal here. Instead of Donnie insisting on what he would do if he was leader, Donnie lets all his frustrations out about Leo leaving the team and shouts something like “you don’t get a vote, Leo! You’re not our leader! You’re not even apart of this team anymore! You left us!” Which stuns Leo into complete silence. Splinter interferes afterwards, but the damage has been done. Splinter insists on following Leo’s plan much to Donnie’s disappointment.

Leo doesn’t speak to Donnie afterwards, but they run through the sewers together almost as if Leo is leader. As the invasion truly begin, Leo realizes too late that he’s making the wrong choice, and Donnie ends up getting injured. He freezes, the memory of Mikey’s injuries taking over and he rushes an explanation that he’s going to work as bait, ignoring Mikey’s pleas him to stay behind. They watch helplessly as Leo disappears and April takes them back to her apartment.

Leo’s disappearance freaks Donnie out and he has a more emotional response to their argument. He reveals that he’s so tired of not having him there, that he’s exhausted with their constant fighting, and is even worried about not knowing if he’s safe on his own. He says regrets any decision he made to push Leo away from them, and Mikey reassures him that it’s not his fault.

After finding out Shredder is hunting them, Leo realizes this invasion is bigger than he ever expected, and viciously chastises himself for quitting as leader. He quit being leader so he wouldn’t lead his brothers to an early grave, but now he thinks he’s done just that but abandoning them. He almost shuts down, but ultimately decides he needs to fight the Foot-Bots and hold them off to give his brothers a fighting chance. In a weird way, this is his attempt at making up for leaving them.

“The Invasion Part 2”

Leo gets bold and wants to take down Shredder himself, still convinced he has to make things right for leaving his family. He’s seemingly made stronger by this determination, and that’s what defeats Tiger Claw, Fishface and Rahzar, but he’s powerless against Shredder and gets knocked out before he can fight.

Everyone is in panic that Leo is missing, especially Raph, and they work on a plan to save him until he’s thrown through the window. Mikey points out his cracked shell, and everyone decides they need to evacuate for good. Mikey still throws the couch on Rahzar for Leo because damn is it fitting.

Casey is very protective of Leo when everyone decides to find Splinter, strengthening their background friendship. In the lair, the brothers also collect Leo’s favorite comics and worriedly look at each other, implying that they’re scared of what has become of their older brother.

When they regroup with Casey and Leo, the three younger brothers crowd around him and cry. Mikey and Raph can be heard whispering apologies for ever letting things get this bad, and pray he’ll wake up so they can work it out.

The episode and season still ends without Leo as leader.

One thing to note with this break in seasons is that nobody is really at fault, they’re just too emotional and scared to consider this. Raph, Donnie and Mikey aren’t to blame for Leo leaving, and Leo isn’t to blame for deciding he can’t take on that kind of responsibility anymore. And we all know that the invasion/Shredder’s attacks would’ve happened whether Leo was leader or not, so it’s not about blame.

“Within the Woods”

Three months pass and everyone very pointedly watches over Leo. They’re beginning to lose hope, but as long as he’s alive, they’ll stay by his side.

When Leo wakes up, he freaks out thinking he’s still in the midst of the battle again, but calms down when he sees Raph. He starts crying and trying to jump out of the tub to hug his brother against his better judgement. He tries to apologize for everything, but his voice is too messed up to get it out. Raph manages to calm him down and calls in everyone else to see him. Mikey hugs Leo before anyone can stop him, and Leo holds onto him like a lifeline, still apologizing.

When they get him out of the tub and onto the couch, they explain everything that happened, and Leo blames himself for losing Splinter, and for not leading them in the first place. Raph tells him to cut it out and that nobody is to blame, but they can see it doesn’t change his mind. The topic of Leo being leader hangs in the air, but nobody brings it up for a while. They encourage Leo to get better, and start working on physical therapy plans. Donnie also gives Leo the medicine, and tells him he started working on it as soon as they got here, and Leo feels soothed that he and Donnie are on good terms again.

The evening after Leo and Raph go outside together, Donnie bites the bullet and asks if Leo is going to be leader again. Leo freezes, and slowly admits he thinks he should, which fills everyone with visible hope, but continues with “I don’t know if I can anymore”. When they ask what he means, he points out that he’s still incredibly injured, he’ll have to learn how to adjust to his new disabilities (mainly his leg) and also that he doesn’t deserve it. He left them when they needed him most, and he’s not worthy of leading his brothers anymore. They argue over this because the others believe that’s complete bullshit, but get cut off by the power going out.

Everything is largely unchanged from there, with the addition of Leo having flashbacks triggered by his family being in danger ranging from Tiger Claw holding Mikey to the invasion. He pushes through the pain of his leg because he refuses to lose his family because of his “incompetence” (UNHEALTHY MINDSET ALERT), and still manages to save the day.

The episode concludes with Leo at Raph’s side, and Raph asking him to consider being leader again, which he agrees to.

“A Foot Too Big”

Nothing changes here. This is not a Leo-centric episode and it would be stupid to make it one, but we do see Leo being very comfortable with his brothers again. Also Leo and Casey bonding time!

“Buried Secrets”

Nothing changes here. I think the only thing worth noting would be Leo further doubting his ability to lead the team, but it doesn’t take center stage given the events of the episode.

“The Croaking”

Nothing really changes here, but instead of Mikey lying about being leader, he’s actually rationalizing that he had been coleading the team with Raph and Donnie anyway, so he’s definitely a leader. Once again, we see Leo being very comfortable with his family again- it might even be commented on (this is important!)

“In Dreams”

Minor changes. I already think this episode is really weird and doesn’t have much to offer, but there’s something worth using here.

Leo gets to lead his brothers again in the dream, which fills him with confidence when he wakes up, and decides he really wants to work on himself so he can take back his team, no matter how hard the adjustments will be.

“Race with the Demon”

No changes, just Leo in the background and maybe having a friendly conversation with Donnie and Casey.

“Eyes of Chimera”

Despite his newfound determination before, he’s dejected by his injury, and scolds himself for not being stronger to withstand the pain. Raph and Casey try to tell him he’s crazy for thinking he should just accept the pain, but he doesn’t want to hear it. They continue fighting without him.

Everything kind of goes the same with Leo beginning to lose hope that he’ll ever be able to protect his family again.

April, who has been slowly getting fed up with this, snaps at him and tell him he needs to cut it out with that mentality. She points out that his family doesn’t need him because they’re hopeless on their own, they survived without him being leader after all. They need him because he’s their big brother, they want him back. She asks if he really thinks they’re that useless without him, which he insists he knows they’re not, so she asks if he actually wants to be their leader again, or if he’s trying to make himself feel better.

Leo considers this for a moment, and looks back on his time at the farm and how close he’s become with his brothers again. He realizes that she’s right, and maybe at first he wanted this for selfish reasons, but now he knows that he wants his family back, and he tells her that. The episode continues with Leo letting his love for his family drive him rather than his need to be leader.

At the end of the episode, Leo apologizes to his family again, but not for failing them, for not being the brother he should’ve been. They, of course, accept this apology.

“Vision Quest”

I’m changing a lot about this episode Leo-wise because it’s structured really weird and it... leaves a bad taste in my mouth for what it has to say about Leo’s leg.

As he hunts the deer, Leo does begin to fall out of the tree but quickly adapts by catching himself onto another branch and landing without injuring his leg again. He faces the deer, but it doesn’t attack him, it looks almost… approvingly at him. Leo’s realization isn’t that they’ve neglected nature, it’s that he’s finally ready to take back his team, and they’re ready to take back New York.

Leo returns to them standing taller than he ever has, and announces his plan. When Mikey asks if this means he’s going to be their leader, he confirms that he is. Everyone is excited by the news, but comically disappointed when he announces they need to take their training outside on an expedition of sorts.

When the deer is revealed to be Splinter’s spirit, Leo realizes that it was his father who approved of him acting as leader again, and feels at peace with their relationship (given that they argued a lot before this). He even agrees that they should split up and conquer their flaws in their own, specifically looking at Mikey when he talks about it (not because he thinks he’s flawed, he worries about letting him go into danger by himself). He remembers what April told him about his brothers being capable, and they plan for a fight.

I really hate that “pain is in your mind” shit they pulled, so fuck that! Leo is almost defeated by Shredder, who taunts him for being too weak to lead his family, and tries to convince him he’ll fail again. We can’t see Leo’s face as he’s processing this, and we’re supposed to think he’s almost convinced. As Shredder goes for his leg, he swiftly dodges his attack and kills him with the arrow, showing that he knows very well how to handle his new disability, and that he’s learned to trust his own leadership.

The episode ends the same way with Leo declaring they’re going back to New York, and the series is back on track.

SO THAT WAS A LOT LMAO but I’m very passionate about this idea. I love Leo, he’s my absolute favorite character, and I wish we could’ve had some bigger developments in the turtles like this. I still think the series is good as it is, but this is a personal change I would’ve loved to see for the sake of a more personal conflict, and further character development.

[dystxpiansims]

“Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part.”

{RP}

Tonight, before I went to bed, I heard a weird noise coming from outside that was far in the distance. I don’t know what it was exactly, but I rushed to check on the horses to see if they were okay and they were, but they sure were frightened from the noise themselves so I had to try to calm them down.

I want to describe the sound, but I just- I just can’t exactly? I don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe… Maybe as a big BOOM followed by a couple smaller ones shortly after, with some sizzling in the aftermath before it went quiet again.

I felt no tremble in the ground, so to hear that and not feel anything was surely weird. It was so loud, there should’ve been some vibration to that. I don’t know what it is, but i’m on edge now, just trying to focus on the horses right now to make sure they’re all okay.

The poor foals are trembling, but their mama’s thankfully are trying to comfort them and giving them nuzzles. Nevada and Fern are such good moms despite being scared themselves.

Eventually they all calmed down, which gave me a big relief, which gave me the okay to head on back home and possibly search the internet if there was anything about that boom, but as I walked out of the stables, a group of people came running out of a van towards me, making me freeze in my tracks.

“W-who are you? why are you on my property this late at night?” I tried my best to sound as intimidating as I possibly could, but being the only person here - and female bodied at that - I don’t think I have much of a chance, but I will do my best if I have to protect me and my family.

Eventually, the tall, slicked back black haired man with a stripped button up shirt, and a black vest over it broke their silence. “I’m sorry to disturb you, ma’am, but this is an urgent matter, and you are on the top lists due to your help with the community. You need to come with us and we will explain everything on the way.”

I looked at the man in shock, trying to find words to say to this information, but I couldn’t find anything but a “huh”.

They all began to get impatient, just wanting me to hurry up already, but do they know how terrifying it is for these strangers to come here in the middle of the night after a big boom happened in the distance and request me to come with them??

“I don’t even know you, what makes you think i’m going to come with you??” I raised my voice a bit at them, crossing my arms now. “ “Did you happen to hear a loud explosion? This is an urgent matter! It’s to get you to safety. That was not no normal bang. That is the sound of a bomb! There is an atomic war on its way-“ as he said that, sirens began to blare, which made me more alert than I was, hearing the horses cry in the background.

“Okay! But we need to bring my horses and my dogs and my cat. I’m not going anywhere without them.” I turned on my heel to run to the stables, hearing them in the back telling the others to get the trailer ready.

At least they knew this was a horse ranch and came with a trailer. I guess.

————————————

We got all the horses in the trailers, my dogs and cats in one of the vans they brought with, while I was in the back with the group of people who greeted me at 6am. Yes, I didn’t try to sleep yet until 6am.

I was still on edge, just watching as the area I was starting to love just disappeared as the vehicles moved, looking back to see the ranch just… disappear in the distance.

[ollieofthebeholder]

to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest): a TMA fanfic

<< Beginning < Prev. || AO3

Chapter 25: July 2016

Sasha was not an older sister. Or a younger sister. At least, not as far as she knew. She had in fact grown up as yet another unwanted child lost in the foster care system, shunted from home to home without time to put down roots or even really form proper friendships, which meant that by the time she’d got to uni and a more settled life she’d lost the knack. She cared about Tim and Jon and Martin, of course she did, but up until a couple of days ago, she would have laughed at the very idea that she cared about any of them more than she cared about herself.

So she hadn’t been prepared for the surge of emotions she felt every time Martin opened his mouth. What she’d thought would be a simple, academic, satisfy-my-curiosity-and-get-some-goddamned-answers conversation had rapidly turned into a series of revelations that smacked her upside the head and left her breathless and nauseous.

She’d told Jon when she made her statement that she didn’t consider Martin to have the best self-preservation instincts in the world. Obviously she’d been wrong. He’d been embroiled in this…bullshit…since he was a small child, going on twenty years now, and he’d survived. Not only survived but thrived, and he’d apparently been quietly protecting all of them this entire time. But he shouldn’t have had to, and she was taken aback by the intensity of that conviction.

Maybe it was just that she’d only really had Tim as an example of a protective instinct, or thought she had. Now, though, she could see that it came in all sorts of styles. Tim’s protectiveness was a warm blanket and a hug, but Martin’s was a quietly-built fortress wall you never thought about being there or even really noticed until someone knocked one of the stones out on top of you, and Melanie’s was a barricade of cannons and barbed wire and flame. Sasha wasn’t entirely sure what hers was like, mostly because she hadn’t realized she had it before today, but she suspected it was somewhat akin to the way Gerry—Gerard—she wasn’t sure where she fell on the spectrum of being allowed to call him Gerry—was protective of Melanie and Martin.

Whatever it was, the look on Jon’s face when Gerard made his announcement brought it out full force.

“Elaborate,” she said, a bit more sharply than she meant to, because Jon looked absolutely terrified and she didn’t know if it was at the idea of the rituals themselves or the idea of an Avatar being a key component. “What rituals? What do they do?”

“It’s…different for each one. Probably. Look, it’s not like there’s a manual for this or anything.” Gerard sighed heavily. “Gertrude was trying to stop them. She’d dedicated most of her career as Archivist to it, or so she told me once. She could’ve been lying, I dunno. But we were…the one we were specifically trying to stop was the Unknowing.”

“Which sounds like a Stranger ritual,” Tim said slowly. Gerard nodded. “Did you manage it?”

“Dunno. Hadn’t by the time I died. I kind of assume she did, or we wouldn’t be here talking, but…well, I dunno,” Gerard repeated. “Maybe it’s not ready yet. Takes centuries to build up the power, and if it fails, it’s back to square one. Could be the Stranger is still building up.”

Sasha picked up her notebook and flipped back to her list, tallying up quickly. “I think you’re right. Look, out of all the statements we’ve done, the real ones I mean—well, take away Father Burroughs’ statement and the one where you found the book at the nexus of all the fears, and the two we’ve had the most about have been the Stranger and the Flesh, tied with five each. And the anatomy class one was a live statement—that can’t be a coincidence, right? You said they were trying to learn to—to imitate humanity better. Is that part of this…Unknowing thing?”

Gerard sighed. “Maybe the build-up to it. I-I mean, if they’re recruiting people, luring them in, they want to be as…convincing as possible. Could also just be they were tormenting the professor. The actual Unknowing, though, doesn’t really matter how human they look, I reckon.”

Melanie squinted up at Martin’s face, her nose scrunched in worry, then turned to Gerard. “Okay, cards on the table. What is the Unknowing? Specifically.”

“I don’t have a play-by-play, if that’s what you’re asking. Not even sure Gertrude did. I just know the basics.” Gerard took a deep breath. “It’s a dance of some kind. Not—like a ballet, I guess, you know? And it centers around, well, the Dancer. Which, I think, is something mechanical, something made. Like a robot or a doll, maybe. Gertrude said something about a ‘mechanical Turk’ once, but—”

A chill ran up Sasha’s spine as she remembered one of the conversations she’d once had with Gertrude. “That was destroyed.”

All the heads in the room turned to look at her in varying degrees of shock and concern, except for Martin’s, which was perfectly blank and honestly scared her more than the others. It was Jon who spoke. “Sasha, you’ve heard of this?”

“Did a paper on it back in university. Wolfgang von Kempelen’s Mechanical Turk was—well, it was widely believed to have been a hoax, and I guess in the early days it was. It was supposed to be a chess-playing automaton that beat some of the best minds in Europe in its day, but years later it came out that there was a space under the table and a person hidden under it who actually controlled the Turk and played the game. Still a marvel of engineering, but not self-powered.” Sasha hesitated. “Supposedly it got sold to another man after Kempelen’s death and kept touring until 1854 when it was destroyed by fire, but I think that was a replica of the original. Gertrude let me read something once that she said she thought I’d find interesting—a journal entry from the first man who’d played the Turk, detailing an…incident in 1787. I didn’t believe it at the time, figured it was just the usual…sorry, Jon, but the usual spooky bullshit we have to sift through. After all, I had the papers to prove the Mechanical Turk was still touring for another sixty years, why would I believe some crackpot who saw it come to life only to get blown away by blind soldiers with a cannon?”

Gerard nodded slowly. “That explains a lot. Gertrude thought the only way to stop it, to really stop it, would be once it was underway. Anything you do to it ahead of time can be fixed, but if you disrupt it at the high point of the whole thing it should put it out of commission for centuries.”

“When was the last time the Eye tried a ritual?” Martin’s voice was extremely quiet, but in a way that sent another chill down Sasha’s spine.

Gerard swallowed hard. He looked like he was about to be sick, but he met Martin’s eyes without flinching. “Dunno. But Gertrude reckoned it was coming up.” He held out a hand to Melanie. “I swear I didn’t know last time I was home. I’d have told you then and there if I had. She’d told me about the Unknowing but not the Watcher’s Crown, not until we were in America, and I didn’t want to bring it up on a call or in a letter.”

“That should have come up last night, don’t you think?” Melanie sounded both angry and scared. “Like as soon as you had the opportunity? Don’t you think that’s something we needed to know? Jesus fuck, is that why you didn’t get in touch with us like you promised?”

“I—yes.” Gerard’s shoulders slumped, and he broke eye contact and looked away, picking at a frayed spot on his jeans. “I’m not going to pretend it isn’t. I—I got scared. She didn’t tell me much about it, just kind of mentioned it offhand and said she’d already made plans to avoid having to play a part in it, but…you know, I didn’t know if she’d—I didn’t know what she’d do if—I didn’t want her to meet you. Not until I told you.”

“Told us what?” Melanie demanded. “Because you didn’t. Is it somehow less dangerous now that she’s dead?”

“Yes,” Sasha said, understanding sinking into her heart and dropping it into the pit of her stomach with the weight of certainty. She looked up at Gerard, who had turned to her in obvious surprise. “I’m right, aren’t I? You weren’t worried about her trying to recruit them or whatever. It was that she would have recognized Martin as someone who’d been touched enough by the Eye to maybe be viable to a ritual, and she’d have killed him.”

Tim’s head shot up; Jon sucked in a sharp breath and turned ashen. Gerard nodded slowly. “That was my worry. She was…look, there were rumors, all right? Not by name, but there were a lot of whispers about the Archivist. I just thought it was part of the job description until I met her, but no, she was just a stone-cold bitch. Not the sort to hesitate when it came to…using people, or sacrificing them. And okay, maybe there was a bit of worry that she’d do to you two what she did to me—just use you up and discard you the second you weren’t of use anymore—but the bigger fear was that she’d just kill you, straight out.”

Sasha didn’t speak whatever language Melanie used for the next five minutes, but it definitely sounded profane. So did Tim, although she was at least able to identify that as Italian. Jon looked incredibly shaken. “Would—good Lord, do you think she really would have done that?”

Martin shook his head, not in negation, Sasha thought, just some sort of indefinable emotion. He was surprisingly calm when he spoke. “Like Gerry said, there were rumors—we all heard them. Honestly, it’s probably a big part of the reason Jane Prentiss was so interested in attacking the Archives—that she believed, or maybe even the Corruption itself believed, that that was part of the Archivist’s job description. You don’t hear too much about people being too tightly tied up in the Ceaseless Watcher who don’t find their way to the Institute, one way or another, so maybe it didn’t ever occur to me that she might kill me if we ever met, but if she thought there was a risk of it, she might’ve. Or at least she might’ve tried.”

That surprised Sasha, enough that she blurted out, “You don’t think she’d have managed it?”

Martin actually cracked a smile at that. He tilted his head in Melanie’s direction. “She’d have had to be very fast.”

“Damn right,” Melanie snarled. Martin freed an arm from the blanket still wrapped around him and hugged her; she resisted for a minute, then sighed and slumped against him.

Tim studied Martin. “You don’t seem particularly worried about the possibility.”

“Of her trying to kill me?”

“Of being used in a ritual.”

“Oh. I’m not.” Martin shrugged when all of them stared at him in surprise. “I’ve got five different Marks—well, six now. No matter how strong my connection is to the Eye, it’s not enough to wipe the others out, so I don’t reckon I’d be all that useful in a ritual to bring a single fear into this universe. I-I mean, it’s like, like forging a sword or something. If your ore has impurities and other…bits mixed in with it, your steel is going to turn out crummy and fall apart the first time you swing it, no matter how well you crafted it. Even assuming there is someone out there trying to put together a ritual—and I’ve got a pretty good idea who it might be if there is—they’re not going to use someone like me as the linchpin, the whole thing would just fall apart.”

There was a brief silence as all of them contemplated that. Sasha picked at the argument from all sides, but she couldn’t see a flaw in it. “So you’re saying the more Marks we all collect, the safer we are. From being used in a ritual, at least.”

Martin nodded. “I’m definitely not saying ‘let’s go out and stir up hornets’ nests to accumulate as many Marks as we can,’ because there’s always a chance something will kill us eventually, but in this case, what doesn’t kill us might actually make us stronger.”

Gerard took a breath. “I—I never thought of it before, but you’re right.”

“Does that mean you can’t be used in a Terminus ritual?” Sasha asked him. “Because you have—had—other Marks? Or does he?” she added, glancing at Martin.

“He does,” Martin confirmed. “The Eye and the Buried. They’re harder to see than the End’s Mark, but they’re still there.”

“Also,” Gerard said, “I don’t think there is a ritual for the End. After all, Death is inevitable—why would he need to hasten that? He’s probably the most patient of the Fourteen.”

“Still.” Martin took a deep breath. “I can’t say I’m unhappy it wouldn’t work with you if there was one.”

Melanie rested her chin on Martin’s chest and looked up at him. “You realize that means I’m going to ask you again to tell me what I got Marked by, if I got Marked, at Cambridge Military Hospital. I’m assuming I’ve got the Buried too, but…”

“Actually,” Tim said quietly, “I’d like to know, too. As far as I know, I’ve just been Marked by the Eye because I work for the Institute. Not that I think I’m all that important, but just in case, I’d like to have some idea, you know?”

Sasha felt something twist in her stomach. “Me, too. I mean, does meeting Michael technically count as a Mark or not?”

“I—I don’t know.” Martin hesitated, then sighed. “Okay. Okay.”

He leaned forward and set his cup on the table, then stood, the throw slipping off his shoulders as he stretched and straightened. He nodded at the sofa. “Anyone who wants to know, sit over there. I’ll sit on the chair right there and I’ll only look there, so if anyone doesn’t want to me to See, I won’t.”

“Why wouldn’t we?” Tim frowned as he stood and moved towards the sofa.

“I told you last night. It’s not just a matter of ‘oh, I got a bit spooked by a shadow in the window,’ it’s something that hit you hard. And I’m not going to lie to you—if I don’t already know how you got whatever Mark you might have, I’m going to be curious. I won’t ask you about it today—I won’t do that to you, to any of you—but, well, at its core, the Eye is all about knowledge, about exposing secrets.” Martin grimaced. “And you heard what I did earlier. I didn’t even know I could do that. There’s every chance that this…thing…will get bad enough, sooner or later, that it won’t be enough for me to See, I’ll have to Know. The last thing I want is to force something out of you because I know you have it.”

Jon slid over on the couch closer to Melanie, looking up at Martin seriously. “I’d rather you ask me than pounce some random person on the street.”

“Yeah, same.” Tim settled next to him and glanced at Sasha.

She didn’t need any further prompting. It was the work of no more than a second to step around the coffee table and join the others. Gerard stayed in the armchair.

Martin sat down across from them. He closed his eyes, inhaled deeply, and let it out in a slow, even breath. As he did so, he slid his glasses off his face and lowered his hands, his shoulders relaxing and his body seeming to sink slightly.

His eyes opened.

Static filled the room, the same static Sasha had noticed when Martin spoke about Michael and when he’d Looked at Gerard, and for the first time she realized it was the same static she’d heard on the tape when he took off his glasses to Look at Jane Prentiss. It started off soft at first, then built gradually until it drowned out the sound of her own breathing. Behind Martin, the candle she presumed to be warding against the Beholder glowed brighter, not a sudden flare but a steadily building glow. Martin’s eyes had gone eerily blank and still, as though they’d been replaced with pictures or glass models, and yet she could feel his regard passing from one to the other. Prickles danced across her skin in odd patterns—spiraling around her arms, sparking against her shoulder, tickling her throat—quickly passing from disconcerting to unpleasant to painful. She clenched her hands tightly and determined to bear up.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she watched the others. Tim was pressing a hand to his chest, grimacing; Melanie sat ramrod straight, arms folded tightly across her chest and a scowl deepening on her face; Jon’s hands bunched up his borrowed trousers as he kept his eyes fixed on Martin, his expression one between worry and anguish. She could tell he was clenching his teeth and trembling slightly.

The static grew louder and louder, the sensations more and more unbearable. Sasha wanted to ask what was taking so long, to demand Martin tell them what he Saw, but her jaw seemed fused shut. He still sat with that same blank expression, perfectly still and seemingly immobile, and yet the scrutiny got more and more intense. At last, after what seemed simultaneously like mere seconds and an eternity, Jon made a small noise of pain and flinched, his eyes squinching shut.

Instantly, the static stopped. Sasha’s skin settled back to its normal state, still tingling slightly but more in a remembered sensation than active discomfort, and she rubbed her arms without conscious thought to make it stop. Martin gave a great, shuddering gasp, his whole body going rigid for a moment before he doubled over slightly, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and burying his face in his hands, heedless of his glasses still in his left one. He was breathing heavily as if he’d been running.

“Martin! O-oh, God.” Jon was up in an instant, Melanie a half second behind him, and starting towards Martin, but Gerard got to his feet and threw out an arm to stop them.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Martin panted, his voice choked with tears. “I-I didn’t—I’m sorry. I c-couldn’t stop, I couldn’t—”

“It’s o—it’s not your fault,” Sasha said. It wasn’t okay, not by a long chalk, but Martin hadn’t done it on purpose.

Martin fumbled and managed to shove his glasses back onto his face, then straightened up, looking miserable. The bandages on his face were discolored with bright red, and at first Sasha thought he’d reopened the wounds beneath them, but then she realized the fresh stains were on the wrong side and way too thin to be from a wormhole.

“Are you—were you crying blood?” she asked, getting to her feet as well.

“Okay, no more of that,” Tim said firmly, getting up and stepping over the coffee table like it wasn’t even there. Jon and Melanie ducked under Gerard’s arm, and Sasha rushed around the other end of the coffee table to drop to her knees and join the others in hugging Martin tightly. “That’s—that was way too much for you. You’re hurt, you don’t need to do that again.”

“Yeah,” Martin mumbled from somewhere in the center of the pile of humanity that was his friends. “I’m—I’m sorry. I should have known something like that would happen.”

“How?” Sasha demanded. “Has that ever happened before?”

“N-no, but—”

“But nothing,” Jon said firmly. “We never should have made you look at all of us at once, Martin. Tim’s right, that was far too much.” He hesitated, then swiped at one of the trickles of blood on Martin’s skin. “Are you better now?”

“A bit,” Martin said, not entirely convincingly. Sasha took the hint and eased back a little. “Christ, that—yeah, I’ve never had it that bad before.”

Tim sat on the coffee table, his hands still hovering around Martin’s knees. “Did you at least get the answers you wanted? You know, so we don’t have to do that again?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” Martin took a deep, steadying breath and straightened. Melanie rocked back to kneel at his feet, resting her folded arms on his leg; Jon simply stood next to the armchair, hovering anxiously. Gerard, whom Sasha just realized hadn’t been part of the hug, came a little closer. “Okay. So, um, all of you have the Eye on you, obviously. That’s, that was a given. Tim, you’ve got the—you’ve got one Mark beyond that. Jon, Sash, you’ve, um, you’ve each got two more—n-not the same ones. You’ve actually got four, Neens.”

Melanie swore again. “The Eye, the Buried…the Stranger, I guess?” Martin nodded. “What’s the other one? This is me asking and wanting them to know. It relates to a statement, after all.”

Martin swallowed. “The Slaughter.”

“Fuck,” Melanie said softly.

Sasha hesitated. She didn’t want to hurt Martin—or Tim or Jon, for that matter—any more than they already had been, but it occurred to her that if she asked, if she made it her choice, it might be better for Martin than if he knew he risked exposing them.

“What about me?” she asked. “What were my other two?”

“The Spiral and the Web,” Martin answered. “Bit of a surprise there. I’d have thought the Corruption, but I guess meeting Timothy Hodges wasn’t enough to Mark you. They’re both faint—fainter than the Eye, anyway—but they’re definitely there.”

“And mine?” Tim asked softly. Sasha looked at him. Something in his eyes told her he already knew, or at least that he’d guessed.

“The Stranger.” The pain in Martin’s eyes was palpable, and he pressed his lips together tightly; Sasha guessed there was something he was trying his hardest not to say.

Thankfully, Jon seemed to figure that out, too. He touched Martin’s shoulder gently. “You said I had three as well. I know one is the Eye and the other is the Corruption…obviously. What’s the third?”

“The Web, and it’s almost as strong a Mark on you as the Eye is.” Martin looked up at Jon, guilt all over his face. “I—I kind of knew that already. I—when you asked me to look into Carlos Vittery, I—you just, you looked scared and I just—I didn’t, I know I shouldn’t have, but—”

“It’s all right.” Jon swallowed hard, although he looked stricken. “I-I probably would have done something stupid like go to investigate it myself if you hadn’t, so it’s for the best, really.”

“I think this is all enough for one day,” Gerard said firmly. “You both need rest before you get into this any further.”

Sasha nodded, pushing herself properly to her feet. “We can talk about it tomorrow. Or in a couple of days.”

“Or when we’re back to work,” Jon said. “It’s—it’s going to be a few days, but—”

“It’s going to be more than that,” Tim said sternly. “You two aren’t in any shape to be back at the Institute just yet. I’m sure you’ll need to see a doctor and get a note before you can go back, and honestly, there’s going to be a lot of healing you both need to do first. But I agree with Jon. We can—this isn’t time-sensitive, right? We can wait to talk about it until then.”

Martin took another deep breath and closed his eyes, then nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said softly. “Okay.”

Sasha looked at Jon. He nodded, too, but she could see the look on his face and inwardly resigned herself. They were definitely going to have a fight on their hands.

[kerra-and-company]

📔😊⭐️🍐 for Finch? :3c

@mystery-salad

Finch hours!! Thank you thank you :3 :D (Also, that first emoji is showing up weird on my computer for some reason, but I think it's the notebook, so I'll answer that one, and apologies if that's not what you meant!)

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun? What things bore your OC to tears and they couldn’t care less about? Why?

Finch will absolutely ramble about whatever its latest project is, particularly anything related to the specifics of integrating magic and technology. Or about stealth tech, or about how the environment affects visibility and interacts with technology, or about the specifics of how its own magic works, or--well, you kinda get the idea. Anything in this vein that it finds even vaguely interesting, it will talk to you about as long as you're willing to talk to it. (Assuming you're someone it trusts at least a bit, that is.)

Finch is not a weaponry expert, and it doesn't particularly enjoy discussing that type of technology--less because it's boring and more because it's not really in Finch's wheelhouse. (Also, partially because it's had some not-so-great discussions with people on this topic before and is wary of the various paths that a discussion about weapons can take.) Something solidly boring to it...paperwork. That's not something you'd necessarily have a discussion with it about, but it absolutely hates paperwork, particularly paperwork that's way too complicated for something simple. It would very much hate the type of "busy work" homework that students in our world would get, too--sitting down and putting in effort to do something both uninteresting and without a worthwhile outcome is The Worst. (Also, its worst enemy is definitely the Ministry of Transit xD--I'm half-joking, but only half.)

😊 What can make your OC smile even when they’re feeling down? What cheers them up and makes everything feel better for them? Is your OC generally a happy person and do they enjoy making others smile? What about your OC makes others happy?

Drawing it into a conversation about the things it enjoys would probably be able to make it smile, almost always (or at minimum distract it from whatever was going on). Stuff that could cheer it up: spending quiet time with people it cares about, going through its assorted collections of odds and ends (mostly small, rare, and/or obscure technical components), having a decent warm meal of some kind. Is it generally a happy person...it generally has a lot of energy, but not necessarily generally happy. Just generally bouncing off the walls, so to speak. It does indeed enjoy making people it cares for happy/making them smile. As for what about it makes others happy, for an abbreviated list: it very easily slips into unbridled enthusiasm for things, has only gotten progressively more unafraid to call out crap (which to be fair makes some people very happy and other people very irritated), and is generally a sweetheart unless it has reason not to be.

⭐ What is your OC afraid of? Any crippling phobias or some such? How do they act when scared and what helps them calm down? Does anyone ever find your OC scary? Why?

Deep water. Like, not water in general, but specifically water that's deep enough that you can't see the bottom. And if it's too scared (which is a pretty high threshold, to be fair) it will fully vanish into shadow and yeet itself as far away as possible from whatever is terrifying it. If it hits that point, it often needs to be alone for a bit afterwards, but eventually having people there and more of a sense of "normalcy" will help as well. As for if anyone ever finds it scary--specifically for its specter magic, sometimes, or in the rare cases it loses its temper.

🍐 What is your OC’s mentality? Are they overall positive? Negative? A bit of both? Describe their thought patterns and reasoning behind their choice making!

Maybe slightly positive-leaning, I'd say? It's more neutral than anything, but it has historically put a positive spin on some situations because it's needed to do that as...I guess a coping mechanism is the best term for it. If it put a negative spin on everything, it would be doing a lot worse, and also probably would never have run away.

[thatboxylady]

oh, so you're a thruststorm fan? name a list of hcs u got

AW HELL YEAH I got you covered, friend.

More under the cut because this girl is looong.

• Jetstorm and Thrust were mostly indifferent to each other after coming online, but Jetstorm's snide comment about "these two lugnuts [coming along]" and throwing him off after Fires of the Past genuinely pissed Thrust off. It set a lot of shit into motion, including that initial tiff of theirs during Mercenary Pursuits... and honestly? That "fight" they had was the best thing that could have happened to them. It immediately put them on equal footing in terms of knowing what the other was capable of, which led to them being able to coordinate so well when confronting Tankor a little later. By the end of the episode you even had Jetstorm lowering himself to Thrust's height to be at his literal level. Enemies-to-tolerant-coworkers speedrun.

• Jetstorm having robot-grade ADHD/BPD and Thrust being very very very autistic works out great for them. Thrust is more laid-back, so he keeps Jetstorm grounded in reality (and is able to talk him down from the edge as needed) by not feeding into any of his outbursts. Jetstorm is also an easy read because he's so obvious about what he's feeling, so Thrust never misses social cues with him. Jetstorm has a good read on Thrust because he is so calm, too-- he can tell almost right away if his ground pounder buddy dealing with sensory overload. [Speaking from experience of being in a relationship with someone who is autistic, while I have ADHD, we manage to make one whole functioning person.]

• Thrust and Jetstorm started interfacing/screwing around while Thrust was actively doing the same with Blackarachnia. Oops!

• Jetstorm was actually fully aware of what was going on with Thrust and Blackarachnia on the sidelines pre-Silverbolt reveal, but he kept his vocoder (mostly) muted about it. Taking a few extra potshots at the spider came with the territory of being genuinely jealous of all the extra attention Thrust was giving her.

• As annoyed as Jetstorm was about finding out he was the one truly toting around Silverbolt, he was glad to get the witch spider out of the way.

• Jetstorm is pansexual but mostly identifies as gay after Blackarachnia starts going after him, just to piss her off as a special treat. He’s also genderfluid. Thrust is bisexual— and also polyamorous. Although, Thrust is perfectly happy being exclusive with Jetstorm. He didn’t even realize he was poly until finding some old datatracks and reading about it.   

• Jetstorm prefers to bottom mostly out of necessity, because he genuinely feels safer and doesn't have to support himself on “top” without knees to balance on. All that weight has to go into his servos to keep himself upright, which also leaves him open to… potential attacks. He does not like being defenseless. Thrust tends to dom/top because he has zero chill in the sack and goes from 0 to 100 as soon as you so much as indicate that you want an interface. Neither one of them are really “switches” as a bog standard, but Jetstorm knows he can get Thrust docile with some heavy petting and plug-n-play shenanigans.

• Interfacing and fooling around came first. The relationship itself came second. They’re not quite sure exactly where the transition was. It just sort of happened?

• Jetstorm was actually the one who instigated the purely sexual parts, but somewhere along the lines he started to get… uh. Feelings. Which is very scary. He’ll deny it if you ask.

• Jetstorm has a very, very, very hard time with “I love you.” It’s heavy and terrifying. Thrust gets it. He’s not about pushing Jetstorm into anything he doesn’t want to do… but Jetstorm has a feeling that maybe Thrust is bothered by it. So, they ended up inventing a system where they occasionally give each other three taps if they’re trying to show affection without using actual PDA (which neither one of them is into anyways, unless Jetstorm is doing it for a bit).

• Thrust is a cuddler and chronic snorer. Jetstorm not so much, but he is a certified little spoon whenever the opportunity arises. He’s also  quick to adapt to sleeping through all of Thrust's snoozing RPM… but he will fuss and wake up if Thrust leaves to go pace in the dead middle of the night. Jetstorm will have to fetch him if Thrust falls asleep standing up in the middle of it—

• Their preferred sleeping position is Jetstorm on his back and Thrust tucked into his side, between his chassis and his arm. Thrust hates sleeping on his back but is perfectly fine with swiveling his helmet around to lay it flat on Jetstorm’s chest. • They're definitely not built for kissing, but they do it anyways. It's kinda clumsy, tbh.

•  Jetstorm's nicknames for Thrust include biker boy, roller boy, roller wonder, Johnny, etc. Thrust uses Storm casually, and Stormy tends to only come out in private.

• Thrust’s primary love languages are words of affirmation (receiving) and acts of service (giving). Jetstorm’s are quality time (receiving) and words of affirmation (giving).

• The words of affirmation bit is extremely useful when you consider that Thrust has a praise kink that Jetstorm wholly abuses lmfao. Jetstorm is normal about giving Thrust compliments and there are never ulterior motives haha.

• They're protective of each other in different ways.

• Jetstorm knows that Thrust is 100% capable of handling himself in a physical fight, so he doesn't worry about the smaller mech going toe-to-tread with the tougher Maximals. He does worry about Thrust running into Blackarachnia, though. Even after biker boy and the spider disengage from each other for obvious reasons (see: Waspinator), Jetstorm is extremely emotionally cognizant of the ramifications after the fact. He knows there's no way that Thrust wasn't upset about being tossed aside. Even if he's not outwardly invested in the spider anymore, Jetstorm knows that Thrust's personal opinion of himself after the fact isn't… great. Getting built up so high and then dropped so low is a recipe for disaster, so Jetstorm tries his hardest to distract him if he seems to be acting low.

• Alternatively, Thrust is extremely protective of Jetstorm when Blackarachnia starts to go after him… he might still hesitate opening fire if she's by herself, but if she's aiming for Jetstorm, he lets loose.

• Jetstorm's version of date night is going out and causing mayhem and vandalism. Thrust tends to be a little more subdued (he likes exploring the city and is also perfectly content with just lazing around “home”). They usually meet in the middle. Exploring the financial district and setting off one of the banks’ security systems so they can do a pseudo-robbery for giggles is, in fact, extremely fun.

• Thrust can sing (see: his actual VA Jim Byrnes lol). Jetstorm thinks he’s pretty good and lowkey keeps pushing him to do it more. Biker boy is nice to listen to, okay? Blues isn’t half bad.

• They make up staggeringly quick after fights, when they even happen at all. Thrust has the patience of a saint, and Jetstorm is quick to forgive (or reflect long enough to recognize if he was being an ass) and make up.

• Thrust is handy when it comes to rigging equipment in their hideout, but Jetstorm’s better with hands-on-repairs and more delicate hands-on work. Which is very funny considering the size of Jetstorm’s servos but Thrust is thankful for it. His arms/hands are way less mobile than Jetstorm’s.

• They don’t prepare their own meals since uhhhh they’re just two guys on an empty planet. It’s easier to go scavenging for cubes on their own time. Jetstorm usually waits for Thrust to pass him something as opposed to getting it himself. He likes “the service.”

• Jetstorm is cleaner. Thrust gets very filthy from road rash very fast. Jetstorm has taken a pressure hose to him more times than he thinks should ever be necessary.

• Thrust has a lot of quiet anxiety surrounding the dark and deep water. He couldn’t swim even if he tried, and he had a sight-fault in his vision suite when he first came online— hence why he’s almost always using his headlamp. Jetstorm has never once made fun of him for it. Thrust is thankful.

• Right up until he gets thrown off the side of the hydroplant into the water below by Silverbolt, swept away, and maimed in a dark turbine house at the end of the flow.

• Thrust wishes he said “I love you” more, even if Jetstorm couldn’t.

• Thrust has come to find out that he can't sleep for very long in an empty berth.

• Thrust becomes a very, very angry person after Jetstorm is gone. Mouthing off to Megatron is just half of it.

• The last thing that Jetstorm ever thought was to wonder where Thrust was.

ANYWAYS THIS RAN LONG SORRY I will stop myself here before I die.

[linklethehistorian]

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with offering an explanation — nothing wrong with it at all. 

However — and here’s the key thing about why it seems like some people dislike explanations — there’s a difference between an honest-to-goodness explanation, and something that actually feels like an excuse (whether intended or not) wrapped up as one.

I understand it’s probably very easy to hear the phrase “intention doesn’t matter” or “an explanation is not an excuse” and assume that what people are saying with it is “no one cares about your intentions”, but that isn’t what those phrases mean; as you will see in a lot of the comments below this post and I’m sure many reblogs, most people — myself included — actually do want to know your intentions behind your actions, and knowing they weren’t malicious will, in a lot of cases, make us feel slightly better.

What those phrases really mean is very simply that “your intentions, whether good or not, don’t change or lesson the negative impact your previous words or actions had on the person to whom you are apologizing”; it means that just because you intended something different to be the outcome of what you said or did, that does not mean it requires any lesser of an apology or for you to take it any less seriously than if you had hurt them on purpose.

And yes, I get it: it’s scary as Hell sometimes when you meant for something good to come out of what you did, but it turned into the complete opposite. I know it can be beyond terrifying when you desperately want to explain that you didn’t mean for it to be this way, but you’re afraid that if you say anything it will come out as an excuse in the eyes of the person you’re apologizing to, and they’ll tell you to stop.

I do sympathize, but having been on both ends of this before (and even as someone who usually does willfully try to explain why a given type of explanation may be more harmful than helpful when on the receiving end of an apology, if it comes to that), there’s something you desperately need to understand: it is not on the person you hurt — intentionally or otherwise — to sit down and explain to you while they’re still hurting where and how precisely you went wrong in trying to explain things and how you can do so better in the future. If they decide to explain it to you on their own, without prompting, then great; hear them out and learn what you can do going forward in those situations, but no one who has been hurt is under an obligation to put their pain aside and concern themselves in that moment with how them being further hurt by your words and asking you to stop made you feel. If you feel that they should, then at that point, it is no longer about apologizing and caring about the hurt you caused them, so much as it is you making the conversation about you and your feelings and needs instead.

If you want to sit down way later once things have been resolved and they’ve been better and on good terms with you again for awhile, then feel free to have that conversation with them when that time comes, yes; that’s very thoughtful of you and it’s something to be commended, but in the moment of your apology is never the time to be questioning the hurt party on why they don’t want that explanation of yours.

That’s why I’m going to give you here and now — away from all in-the-moment apologies and arguments and thus free of hurting someone — a list of things you should probably avoid when trying to explain yourself in a way that won’t result in you further hurting the person you’re apologizing to, some reasons why each one is a problem, and what you should do instead to hopefully get the message across loud and clear that you aren’t just handing them an excuse to lessen the severity of what you did or said to them.

(Disclaimer: this is only a list made from my own personal experiences of being on both ends of an apology from or towards various people in my life; it is by no means an exhaustive list and some of these may vary from person to person in regards to how they interpret certain words or phrases. This is only meant to give you better odds at getting through a scenario without hurting the person you are apologizing to if you’re in a pinch; it does not guarantee success, and at the end of the day, you should probably someday still look into what your friend themselves wants from an apology and why, on a day when they’re not hurting and are happy to talk about it with you.

This is also under the assumption that the person in question whom you wish to apologize to genuinely deserves that apology and is not just someone manipulating you into having guilt over something that isn’t your fault. Obviously there are people in the world who don’t deserve your apology over something; this post is not about them.)

I will also have to add the rest in a second reblog because I’ve run out of space. 😭

For those of you may reading just this reblog, the link to the other half is here.

idk when we decided that explaining yourself shouldn't be part of an apology but like. if someone was a dick to me and apologizes but I still don't understand why they did it I'm not gonna feel any better

[thetoxicgamer]

Overwatch 2 is bringing back your least favorite mechanic

Overwatch 2 has some big plans in store, and they’re likely to split its audience right down the middle. Ahead of Overwatch 2 season 5, an update from game director Aaron Keller suggests some of the changes Blizzard is considering for its next balance patch, and they include a return of crowd control effects to the multiplayer game, as well as some potentially big nerfs to one-shot characters. The removal of CC, or crowd control (that’s anything in the realm of stuns, slows, and boops), from almost all skills except from tanks was a big part of the changes to Overwatch 2. The goal, Blizzard says, was to put more of a focus on people creating plays rather than shutting them down, especially with the removal of the second tank player. “Overall, we think that this was a positive change to the game,” Keller says, comparing the original game to a “pinball machine.” But, he explains, “we have a lot of high-mobility heroes on the roster, and a team can’t always rely on their tank to take care of them. So we’re softening our approach here.” For season five, Blizzard has two characters in mind as a test bed of sorts – Mei and Cassidy. Mei’s primary, the Endothermic Blaster, will still slow as normal but “will also build up to an effect that will apply a much larger slow for 1.5 seconds” that Keller says “will feel familiar to the way her old weapon worked.” Presumably you’ll have a little more opportunity to counter it than being completely frozen solid, but that’s still rather terrifying. Cassidy, meanwhile, is having his Magnetic Grenade reworked – it’ll do less damage than before, but will now apply an effect that slows targets and blocks them from using movement abilities. It’s unclear whether that will apply when the grenade sticks, or when it explodes – if it’s the former, that could make it a lot more deadly to heroes who can typically escape from its clutches. Also likely to cause plenty of chatter is plans to “reduce the frequency” of one-shots from Widowmaker and Hanzo. Widow’s damage falloff is being dramatically shortened, while the amount the damage drops over distance is being increased, which will make her unable to kill even 200 health heroes past 50 meters with a single bullet. Hanzo will see his damage slightly nerfed “so that he is no longer able to one-shot 250 health heroes.” Another change will make it easier for the enemy team to see where his Sonic Arrow has been used, meaning you’ll know when he’s got a bead on your position. Keller says “the intent here is to reduce his kills that feel like they come out of nowhere.” Keller also notes that a Junker Queen nerf will see her Commanding Shout health gain dropped from 200 to 150 to make her a little less survivable, while Lifeweaver is set to receive “increases to his healing and damage output, a heal on Life Grip, a slightly reduced hitbox, and some quality-of-life changes to Petal Platform.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4b7DtgOQ_A Personally, I’ve always been a bit of a crowd control defender – I liked the slightly more MOBA-like aspects of the first Overwatch – but, having gotten used to the game without them, I’m not sure how I feel about their return. I’m also torn on the one-shot changes, though I’ll undoubtedly benefit as someone who isn’t a particularly good sniper myself. Either way, these are likely to provide some dramatic alterations to how the game feels, so it’ll be fascinating to see how the Overwatch community responds. Browse our Overwatch 2 tier list if you want to know who’s looking best in Overwatch 2 season 4. You might also want to run eyes over the best Overwatch 2 settings if you’re looking to optimize your FPS and in-game performance. Read the full article

[catboyclarity]

💥🕷️ for renato, 🙉 🔪 for rosarian and 🌏 🪤 and ✂️ for both?

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

So Renato is absolutely wretched at dealing with pretty much any emotion which is a big part of why he is. Like that. He doesn’t really know how to process anything and tends to externalize most of his feelings into Self Destruction or Being A Major Asshole.

I think sadness/grief is probably his worst one though. He hates letting himself feel his feelings and he’s been through a lot of shit so it just sort of builds in him internally like plaque and fucks up his relationships.

🕷️ SPIDER - what is their biggest fear? do they have any irrational / mundane fears?

I think he’s most afraid of completing losing his humanity and becoming like Other werewolves—relishing violence, having a complete disregard for human life, losing his sense of scale and morality—and the fact that to hold the kind of position he does, that’s kind of already started, really cuts him up. If he doesn’t die violently in the next decade dude has the potential to live like 400 more years, which is inherently going to change the way he relates to humanity and to the world. This is existentially terrifying and the only way to prevent it is to die, which he has already decided not to do.

As for mundane fears. I think he is kind of wigged out by bugs and other creepy crawlies but you would never hear that from him.

🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone?

Rosarian has a really thick skin, a weird self image, and an incredibly low opinion of most people, so it’s pretty hard to hurt them just with words. They do have certain turns of phrase that are trauma triggers but that feels like a cop-out.

In general most of what would get under their skin would involve implying they would be better without the current power and independence they hold bc they’re more suited to a powerless or submissive role. If someone just said they were incompetent they wouldn’t care but like, you know, “you’d be happier if you were just a housewife” or whatever. That would really upset them.

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

So they’ve dealt with so much of this (among other traumas) that they’ve decided to deal with it by no longer having loved ones!!! They definitely blame themself for things that happened in the past, especially bc at least one time that happened was like. I mean they killed their husband very much on purpose.

The closest thing they’ve had to loved ones in the past few decades were their precious seconds, Adam and Lane, both of who got killed. In that case Rosarian just brought down an absolute world of physical harm to those responsible. I think if something happened to someone they cared about that didn’t have a really clear Person At Fault they might just invent one lol.

🌏 EARTH - will they give up the world for someone they love? is this decision easy for them?

Renato: Yes, 100%, absolutely. The list of people he actually loves is really short but he would do anything in his power for them. The world is a horrible place full of assholes he doesn’t like if he had to get rid of it for his sister to be healthy and happy it would be an easy decision.

Rosarian: I think a no, but it’d be a tougher call for them. One of the things that anchors them is a strong sense of personal responsibility toward their role in society. I don’t think they would be willing to abdicate that role for anyone, even if that would mean losing a person they loved.

🪤 MOUSE TRAP - what will always lure them into certain danger? a loved one in danger? a promise of something they are always searching for?

Renato: Either a situation that genuinely needs his help or a cute boy. He wants to do the right thing very badly. He also wants a boyfriend very badly. He’s self destructive and used to danger and life-or-death situations so he also doesn’t care that much.

Rosarian: their own poor judgement. They almost never go “I will do this thing, even though it could put me at massive risk I have no control over” and avoid those kinds of situations but due to their century and a half case of PTSD they have received no treatment for they sometimes 1. Fail to recognize something as a danger due to it still feeling normalized to them 2. Do avoidance so hard it becomes dangerous or 3. Compulsively partake in self destructive activities. If they absolutely had to put themself in direct danger to fulfill their duties as pack leader I think they would but they really try to avoid that when they can.

✂️ SCISSORS - what is the "last straw" for them to cut someone out of their life? how easily do they let go of people?

Renato: pretty much just hurting someone he cares about. He has almost no standards other than that and is much more frequently the guy who gets cut out.

Rosarian: Rosarian will cut you off for sneezing at the wrong time. Rosarian will cut you off for anything. If you have to work together in a professional capacity they will generally be able to maintain a professional relationship but anybody else? If you accidentally trigger their “This Person Is A Threat” reaction they are just going to completely remove you from their life ASAP. Literally the only reason they continue to be in contact with Renato at the start of Consumptionverse is they are coworkers and he’s politically useful.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

when the dance it’s through, it’s me and you

read on ao3

He knew this was coming, is the thing. He had time to prepare, to steel himself, to come to terms with the fact that while Buck didn’t want to be with Taylor specifically, he does, eventually, want to be with someone. And finding someone to be with involves dinners and drinks and generally less free time to hang out with your best friend and his son, no matter how much your best friend selfishly enjoys having you all to himself.

So Eddie knew this was coming — he really, painfully did — and he thought he would be able to handle it.

But then he walks into the locker room at the end of shift on a random Thursday and is overcome with want so suddenly that he can’t feel his legs for a minute, because Buck looks good. He always does, to be fair, but this is borderline sinful — his jeans are perfectly tight, his shirt makes his biceps look like they’re about to pop the seams, and his hair is slicked enough to stay down but not enough to get rid of the curls completely.

He recovers as quickly as he can, shaking himself as he crosses the rest of the distance to his locker. “Hot date tonight?” he asks, partially joking, partially curious, partially desperately hoping those jeans will be sitting on his couch instead of on a cracked leather stool in a dimly lit bar. 

Buck smiles, soft and a little shy. “Yeah, actually, I’m meeting her for drinks in 20 minutes.”

Eddie had definitely not prepared himself enough at all, actually, if the way his heart uncomfortably skips in his chest is anything to go by.

He shakes himself again, aims for something encouraging and normal. “That’s great, man, I hope it goes well.” 

It’s a lie, a big, fat lie, but Buck’s smile turns up to 1000 watts and he’s wiggling with excitement. Eddie can’t help but absorb a little bit of that happiness and smile right back.

“Thanks,” Buck says, slamming his locker closed. “I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. We still on for the zoo?”

“Of course, Chris would never miss a chance to see the new brown bear cubs.”

“Me neither,” Buck says, his smile somehow getting even brighter. “Give him a hug for me when you get home, yeah?”

“I will. See you tomorrow.”

Buck waves as he jogs out the bay doors towards his Jeep. It takes an impressive amount of will power for Eddie not to gawk at his ass as he goes. He stays in the locker room long enough to watch the Jeep pull out of the parking lot, and then he does the only thing anyone can do when the man you’re stupidly in love with is dating people other than you.

He drives his ass home and sulks.

Just for the evening, he tells himself. Honestly, Frank should be proud of him for feeling his feelings like this.

Of course, Frank would also remind him that if he had been honest with Buck about the whole stupidly in love thing, he maybe wouldn’t have to be feeling any of these feelings at all. But he wasn’t — he put it off and put it off instead, at first because of proximity to the break up, and then because they had fallen back into a rhythm — field trip chaperoning and beach days and more nights with Buck crashing on his couch than without —  that he was reluctant to break. And yes, Frank, he knows they could’ve kept that rhythm, and he knows he shouldn’t assume Buck’s feelings for him, he gets it, okay, but honestly? 

He’s scared. 

Terrified to his bones, actually, and he’s secure enough in his emotions to admit that to himself. The idea of summiting the mountain of his feelings for Buck with no idea what will be on the other side ranks right up there on his list of greatest fears with tight spaces and getting shot in broad daylight, and he’s not sure any amount of therapy would make him okay with living a life that Buck wasn’t a part of. And he knows, he knows, as deeply in his bones as that terror is, that Buck would never, ever leave him and Chris completely, but there’s still a smidge of ever-present fear keeping guard at the top of the mountain and not letting him pass.

Maybe one day that fear will finally melt away and let him through. Until then, the only thing melting is the ice cream in his bowl, so he shovels another spoonful into his mouth and tries to focus on the movie Chris picked out instead of the flurry of nonsense happening in his head.

He gets about 10 minutes of peace, just long enough for Chris to finish his own ice cream, place the bowl on the coffee table, and turn to face him head on, eyebrows furrowed in a surprisingly Buckley manner.

Eddie pauses the movie. “You okay bud?”

Chris nods. “I’m fine. Are you okay?”

He has no idea how he sees through him so easily, but he always does. And he never wants to lie to Chris, but he also doesn’t think talking to your eleven year old about your love life is very healthy, no matter how close the two of you may be.

“I’m…a little blah today, I guess,” he says, shrugging. A very broad truth, but the truth nonetheless.

Chris nods sagely. He reaches behind them, tugging the blanket off the back of the couch and tucking it securely around the two of them. He picks up the remote and snuggles deeper into Eddie’s side, and Eddie wraps his arm around his shoulders and gives him a squeeze, thankful that Chris doesn’t think he’s too big for this kind of affection just yet.

Chris presses play, monstrous roars and metallic shrieks filling the living room again. “I bet the giant robot fights will help you feel better.”

Eddie snorts through his nose, leaning down to rest his cheek on top of Chris’ head. “I bet you’re right. I’ll be better in no time now.”

I’ll be better in no time I’ll be better in no time I’ll be better in no time

If he repeats it enough, maybe it’ll stick. Someday. Eventually.

~~~~~~~~~~

They meet at the zoo bright and early next morning, Buck full of big smiles and bear hugs as usual. Chris has the day planned to the letter, so they don’t take a break until well into the afternoon, Eddie and Buck collapsing onto a shaded bench while Chris is distracted by one of the zookeepers talking about brown bear hibernation. 

Buck hasn’t said a word about the date all day, so Eddie could keep avoiding it too. But he should be supportive, he supposes, even if it has the potential to ruin their otherwise perfect day.

“So,” he says as neutrally as possible. “How was last night?”

Buck shrugs and smiles, but it’s tight, not as bright as Eddie’s been seeing all day. “Her name’s Jessica, she works in PR, has a chocolate lab named Goose. We split a giant pretzel at the bar and she laughed at all of my jokes.”

“Wow, she must really like you, most of your jokes are terrible.”

Buck throws his head back and laughs loudly, shoving Eddie’s shoulder with his own. “They are not, asshole, I’m a comedic genius.”

“I think everyone on our team would beg to differ,” Eddie says, chuckling, trying not to chase after Buck’s warmth as he sits back upright. “So it went well?”

Buck shrugs again. “For the most part.”

“But?”

He sighs harshly through his nose. “She talked about her ex, like, the entire night. Every time she asked me a question, I’d answer, it would somehow connect back to him, and she’d go on a 10 minute tangent. I think I knew more about him than her by the end of the night.”

Eddie winces, “Yikes, that sucks.”

“And then,” Buck continues, “she still asked me if I wanted to go back to her place!”

Eddie’s stomach flips uncomfortably, because it was hard enough keeping his cool hearing about an innocent date, he’s not sure he’d be able to handle hearing about anything beyond that. “Did you? Go with her?”

Buck shakes his head hard. “No way, I told her I was too tired and bailed. I honestly wish I could’ve bailed sooner, but I didn’t know how to without looking like a douche.”

The words tumble out of him before he can stop them. “You could’ve called me.” Buck cocks his head towards him, confused, and Eddie is just as confused himself, but it seems his subconscious has already worked this out. “Adriana does it with her friends. If a date starts going south, she’ll text them so they call with a fake emergency and she can leave. Apparently it works every time.”

It’s quiet for a bit as Buck mulls the idea over, absentmindedly picking at his nails. “You don’t think I should just stick it out?” he asks quietly, like he’s afraid to voice the thought too loudly. “Maybe I’m just rusty at the whole dating thing.”

Eddie scoots down the bench until they’re pressed together from hip to ankle. “You just got out of a relationship where you thought sticking it out would work,” he says as kindly as he can. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing when you don’t want something, and it’s not fair to anyone to keep forcing it, especially to yourself.” It’s pretty good advice, if he does say so himself, even if it’s partially motivated by the green-eyed part of him that doesn’t want any of Buck’s dates to work out.

But he wants Buck to be happy, more than anything else. And that trumps useless jealousy every time. 

Buck ducks his head and smiles that soft, sweet smile that Eddie loves best. “You’d really come up with a fake emergency for me?”

Eddie knocks their shoulders together again. “Of course.” I’d do anything for you goes left unsaid.

Before he can say anything else that tells on himself too much, Chris makes his way back over to them, his smile so big it practically splits his face in half. “Dad! The zookeeper said they’re gonna feed the bears at 4! Can we get ice cream and come back so we can watch?”

“Sure we can,” Eddie says. “I think I just need to get some—”

“I got it, Eds,” Buck says, patting his knee as he stands. “Chris, did the zookeeper tell you anything you didn’t already know?”

That launches Chris into fact after fact, the two of them chattering as they walk to the ice cream stand. Eddie lags behind a bit, watching them laugh, and tries not to think too hard about how wants this — ice cream and bear facts and Buck being theirs — forever.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buck goes on more dates — six more, to be precise — and he doesn’t call for a bailout during any of them. It’s a good sign — no call means the date is going well which means Buck is happy and having a good time — and Eddie knows he should be happy for him, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t the teeniest, tiniest bit disappointed when he doesn’t see Buck’s contact flash across his phone.

He does not sulk about it, though.

At least not obviously enough for Chris to notice.

He does stop buying ice cream. Just in case.

And he does ask Buck about the dates, every time, because he’s a good friend, damn it, and he wants to support Buck in everything he ever does, including getting his groove back. He’ll push any and all of his own feelings aside if it means Buck knows that he’s in his corner no matter what.

He’s doing exactly that the night of date number seven, trying instead to focus on watching the Rangers game and not on the fact that Buck is currently at a Mexican restaurant not half a mile away from his house, or how easy it would be to put in an order for pick up so he can casually scope the place out and see how Buck is doing.

He will not be doing that, though, because that crosses far too many lines for his liking. He also doesn’t want to have to explain that one to Frank.

Jonah Heim hits a triple, and Eddie’s phone starts to buzz. And buzz. And buzz. And buzz. 

[from: Buck] eddie sos pls help

[from: Buck] this man has been so rude to our waiter i’m about to lose it

[from: Buck] and i love this place i don’t want them to think i approve of this horrible behavior

[from: Buck] i’m hiding in the bathroom i’m so embarrassed

[from: Buck] i can’t be here anymore pls save me

[from: Buck] eddie

[from: Buck] eDDIE PLEASE

A thrill goes through him, quickly squashed by guilt, because he really should not be so pleased about this. That doesn’t keep a small smile from spreading as he types back, fully prepared for this situation like he promised he would be.

[to: Buck] I’m on it. Go back to the table, I’ll call you in 5. Just play along. 

He gets about 25 heart emojis in response, which sets off another thrill, which brings more guilt. He waits a bit, long enough for a home run from the Guardians to put the Rangers behind, before he clicks Buck’s number. 

Buck answers on the second ring. “Hey Eds, everything okay?”

Eddie hopes the one fluke drama class he took in high school will serve him well now. “Hey man, sorry to interrupt your date, but Chris and I are headed back from the beach and our tire just blew out.” 

“Oh no, are you guys okay?” His concern is so genuine it makes Eddie’s heart beat a little faster before he remembers it's all an act.

“We’re fine,” he says, “but the closest mechanic is like a 5 mile walk from here. I really hate to ask, but—“

“No, it’s okay, I’m on my way. Maybe now you’ll finally listen to me and get Triple A, huh?”

That’s not a lie, he’s been bugging Eddie about it for years now. “You can lecture me all about it later.”

“Oh I will,” he says, and Eddie can hear his smile. “Sit tight, I’ll be there soon.”

They hang up, and it strikes Eddie that if this were real, if he had actually called Buck while he was busy and needed his help, he doesn’t think the conversation would have gone any differently. Buck has always been willing to drop everything for him and Chris, and six months ago that would’ve made him feel awful, like he was taking advantage, but now he just feels…protective. Even in a fake scenario like this. He knows how big and golden Buck’s heart is, but his date clearly doesn’t, and something about that makes Eddie want to shout about it from the top of the Hollywood sign so everyone knows, keep watch over it like a bouncer at a club, only letting the worthy few in.

They weren’t kidding when they said love makes you stupid, even the unrequited kind.

His phone buzzing again breaks him out of his spiral.

[from: Buck] you are my hero 

[from: Buck] he barely even looked at me when i left he was too busy berating the staff

[from: Buck] thank you so much i owe you so big

Eddie doesn’t think before he texts back, just acting on instinct and what he wants.

[to: Buck] You can start your payback by bringing dinner over.

Which he immediately regrets, because maybe Buck doesn’t want to come over. Maybe he’s so affected by the date that he wants to be alone, or maybe he’s on the way to meet up with someone else, and Eddie has served his purpose and been a good friend so why would he—

Another succession of buzzes. 

[from: Buck] done

[from: Buck] me and general tso are on our way

[from: Buck] hope you have beer because i need about 5

And there goes Eddie’s heart singing again. He really needs to get that under control.

20 minutes later, the Rangers are still losing, and the front door swings open revealing Buck, backlit like some kind of angel, holding way too many bags of Chinese takeout. 

“Hope you’re hungry,” he says, dropping the food in the kitchen before flopping next to Eddie on the couch. “I didn’t get to eat dinner and I also had a coupon.”

Eddie snorts. “Of course you did.” They sit in silence for a minute while Eddie debates bringing the date up at all. But, again, he’s a good friend, so he does. “So it was that bad, huh?”

Buck closes his eyes and sighs loudly through his nose. “Imagine the worst person you’ve ever met, multiply their bad attitude by 100, put them in a Patagonia quarter zip and All Birds shoes, and that’s what I got tonight.”

Eddie winces. “So a huge douchebag.”

“He made two waiters cry,” Buck says, “and that was before we even got our appetizers.” He sighs again and looks over at Eddie, eyes and smile both soft and unguarded. “Thank you for saving me.”

Again, Eddie doesn’t think before he answers. “I’ll always save you.” 

Maybe it’s too revealing, maybe he’s showing too many of his cards, but it makes Buck’s smile widen and his eyes get even softer, so Eddie can’t really find it in himself to take his words back. 

“I know you will,” Buck says quietly, reverently, and with a baseball game as background noise and the smell of takeout wafting through the air, Eddie lets himself forget about dates and douchebags and pretend that this is the way things will always be.

~~~~~~~~~~

It happens again. And again. And again and again and again. Every other night for two weeks straight.

Eddie should feel bad, probably, but Buck always looks so relieved when he enters the Diaz house after another disaster, and Eddie can’t help but preen just a little bit at the fact that he is the reason for that relief, for the light in Buck’s eyes, if only for the night.

He’s being a good friend. And maybe a little selfish. But Buck is happy and not dating assholes, so it’s fine.

It’s almost enough.

It’s all Eddie’s got.

“90 minutes of true crime facts?” Chim asks when Buck recounts his latest aborted date in the loft between calls. “That’s annoying and slightly terrifying.”

“I know,” Buck says. “That’s why I left before dessert.”

“I don’t get it,” Hen chimes in from her perch at the kitchen counter. “You used to sleep with anything that moved, and now you can’t even make it through dinner?”

Buck clutches his chest in mock offense. “It’s called having standards, Henrietta. I’m older and wiser now, and I know what I want, and it is not hearing about other people’s murders every day for the rest of my life.”

He says it with such confidence, such surety, and Eddie’s proud, so proud, that Buck knows himself and his worth, but it also kind of stings. He knows what he wants too — who he wants — but he’s pretty sure he’ll never get to have it. He’ll get scraps, the aftermath of bad dates, until there are no more bad dates to speak of, and then everything will be different, and Buck will be gone. And Eddie will somehow have to figure out how to keep going with shrapnel for a heart.

If you talk to him…Frank’s voice echoes in his head, and it’s right, it’s been right, it’s always right, but it’s too late. Eddie missed that boat, and now all he can do is wave from the docks.

Buck’s arm coming to rest across his shoulders brings him back to Earth. “Luckily, I’ve got my knight in shining armor to bail me out and save me.”

“Oh?” Hen asks, eyebrows high. 

Buck nods. “Fake emergency call. Works like a charm.”

“For every bad date?”

“Every one.” 

“Every one?” Chimney repeats.

“Come on, like you two wouldn’t do that for each other.” The matching wide-eyed, jaw-dropped looks of surprise say otherwise. Eddie wants to sink into the couch and disappear forever.

Luckily, Bobby saves him from becoming part of the furniture. “Buck!” he calls from the truck bay. “Come help Ravi clean out the storage closet.”

“On it!” Buck shouts back. He pats Eddie’s chest before bounding down the stairs, and Eddie hates how quickly he misses the warmth, the grounding presence of Buck’s hands on him. Thoughts like that don’t make the “getting over being in love with your best friend” thing very easy.

He doesn’t realize he’s still staring after Buck until a throat clears from the kitchen. Eddie snaps his eyes over, and Hen and Chim are still staring at him, the shock on their face morphing into realization, because of course they figured everything out almost immediately. 

“I know,” he says, scrubbing his hands over his face, half exhausted, half hiding. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe you should,” Chimney says. Eddie peaks through his fingers to look at him, and he looks more sympathetic than anything else now. “With Buck, at least.”

And there’s so many things he could say to that — He’s just getting used to dating again, He doesn’t want me like that, I’ll get over it soon, maybe, hopefully — but one statement, probably the most truthful statement, stands out above the rest.

“If I keep bailing him out like this, I get to keep him a little longer. He’ll find someone eventually who’s everything he wants, but until then, he’s got me.” It’s pathetic, and unbelievably selfish, but Eddie’s too tired to really care. 

Hen moves then, joining him on the couch, resting a gentle, comforting hand on the back of his neck. “You don’t think you’re everything he wants?” she asks.

He doesn’t have an answer that won’t involve a long, painful session with Frank after he admits it out loud, so he stays quiet, and she lets him. Her nails scratch through his hair, lulling him into the closest he’s gotten to peace in months, and for a few minutes, he can pretend this stupid plan of his isn’t breaking is own heart.

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s almost 10pm on a date night, and Eddie hasn’t heard from Buck. They were meeting at 6, so he figured by 8:30, Buck would be on his couch eating lo mein and venting. But 8:30 came and went, and so did 9, and so did 9:30, and Eddie’s heart sank lower and lower until it felt like it was crushing his intestines, because he knows exactly why Buck hasn’t called. He still doesn’t believe in jinxes, but it is some kind of sick, universal irony that he put words to feelings he had vowed would never see the light of day, and not a week later, they were coming back around to bite him in the ass.

He makes it until 10:30 before he breaks out the Ben and Jerry’s from the freezer. At least Chris is asleep and can’t judge him.

This is his own fault. Just like when Buck first got back into dating, Eddie had been so desperate to cling to him, to their family, in any way he could, that he completely disregarded preparing to live life any differently. And part of him quietly hoped that it wouldn’t come to this — that somehow, Buck would figure out all the things that Eddie couldn’t express, that he doesn’t belong in a hazy bar or candlelit restaurant with some stranger he met on an app. He belongs somewhere with people who know him, who see him, who will fight against hell and high water and everything in between to be in his corner.

But Buck doesn’t know any of that, because he’s not a mind reader, as Frank constantly reminds him, and Eddie was too much of a coward to tell him the truth.

Not even the ice cream takes the sting out of that.

When he’s laying in bed an hour later, trying in vain to fall asleep, he remembers that he should probably text Buck and check in. That’s what you do when your best friend has a seemingly successful date — you debrief and congratulate him and tell him you hope it keeps going well. 

But he’s just…can’t.

So he doesn’t.

He puts his phone down and rolls over and adds guilt to the pile of emotions threatening to collapse in his chest.

~~~~~~~~~~

The first thing he hears when he walks into the locker room the next day is Chimney asking, “So, Buckaroo, what did your date do wrong this time?”

Which is followed by Buck laughing and saying, “It actually went really well. We already have date number two planned for next week.”

Which is followed by Eddie seriously considering leaving and calling in sick. He doesn’t even care if that’s dramatic — his stomach is churning, so it’s not really a lie.

Hen spots him before he can bolt, though, and she gives him a look like she can hear his heart crumbling from across the room. 

Busted. 

He tries his best to pull it together, because if Hen already noticed something was wrong, Buck will definitely notice, and Eddie will be damned if he’s the one to wipe Buck’s smile off his face. He squashes everything down — including Frank’s voice echoing that he can’t keep ignoring how he’s feeling — and walks to his locker to get changed.

“Good night last night?” he asks as enthusiastically as he can.

Buck nods. “Yeah, Alex is great. He’s a nurse, he volunteers at an animal shelter on the weekends, supposedly makes a mean chili.”

“Sounds like he’s the whole package,” Eddie says. 

Buck’s face does something complicated for a minute, like a dark cloud passes over it, and his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes afterwards. Eddie’s stomach twists up even worse. He slams his locker closed and faces Buck where he’s bent over tying up his boots. 

“Hey,” he says quietly, waits for Buck to meet his eye. “I’m happy for you, you know that right? You deserve someone good who’s gonna give you the world.” 

The cloud passes again, but Buck’s smile looks more real afterwards, so Eddie takes it as a win. He claps Buck’s shoulder before leaving the locker room, silently promising to do better, to be there for Buck like he should. He’ll listen to him talk about this Alex guy, he'll be friendly whenever he meets him, he’ll be right by his side at the altar at their wedding if it comes to that, anything that’ll prove that he isn’t going anywhere.

If it means living with more heartache and wrestling with more longing, then fine, he will — it’s a small price to pay for Buck’s happiness.

~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a knock at the door as Eddie clears the last of the dinner plates. He catches Chris’ eye across the counter, who looks just as confused as he is — anyone they’d normally expect either has a key or would have texted first.

“It’s probably some salesman,” Eddie says.

“Or a Girl Scout selling cookies,” Chris says brightly. “If it is, can we get Thin Mints?”

Another knock.

Eddie nods towards the door. “See who it is first, then we’ll negotiate.”

Chris heads off, and hears the familiar sounds of the deadbolt unlocking and the door swinging open before—

“Oh! Hi Buck!”

Eddie pauses where he’s loading the dishwasher. That’s weird — he knows for sure he and Alex had another date tonight (number five to be exact, but he kind of hates that he knows that).

Sure enough, the voice he’d recognize anywhere echoes back to him. “Hey buddy. Am I interrupting dinner?”

“No, we just finished. Come in! Dad’s cleaning up the kitchen.”

Jackets are rustled into place and shoes are kicked off before Buck and Chris round the corner back into the kitchen. Buck’s definitely dressed for a date — deep red button down and those perfect jeans again — but his hair is loose from its gel and falling over his forehead, like he’s been running his fingers through it, which he only does when he’s stressed.

“Hey,” he says. He’s smiling, soft and easy like he usually does in this kitchen, but it’s strained, just a touch, and there’s a slight tremor in his voice.

Hmm.

“Hey,” Eddie says back. “Everything alright? How was the date?”

“It was fine. Short. Sorry I didn’t call first, I was—” he’s fidgeting now, his fingers drumming against his pant leg like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, and it clicks for Eddie then that Buck’s not so much stressed as he is nervous. And he’s not sure if it’s from the date or from coming here or what, but he knows he can’t — won’t — let it stand.

“Buck,” he says quietly, stepping forward to place a hand on his shoulder. He can feel his pulse beating like hummingbird wings through his shirt. “It’s okay. You’re always welcome here, day or night, call or no call, no matter what.”

He feels Buck relax underneath his touch. There’s still an energy simmering under his skin that Eddie can practically see, but for now, he thinks this is enough. As long as Buck knows he doesn’t have to be anxious about being here, with his family.

“Well,” Buck says, voice steadier now, “let me be useful, at least. Can I help clean?”

“Nah, I’m almost done.”

“You can help me with my science homework,” Chris says from the kitchen table, pulling out his folders from his backpack. “As long as you read the instructions first.”

Buck laughs and Eddie swears the whole room gets brighter. “Deal. Show me what we’re learning now.”

The rest of the evening is so…normal. Buck and Chris finish homework while Eddie puts the house back together. They pile on the couch and play Mario Kart until they’re eyes go crossed and Chris is falling asleep at the wheel. They get him in bed, together, before flopping back on the couch, slightly tangled up in each other, and it feels so domestic, so good, that Eddie is almost worried he’s dreaming. But underneath the peace, he can tell the gears in Buck’s head are still churning about something, so he mutes the TV and turns his whole body to face Buck.

“Okay. What’s up? You’ve been practically vibrating since you got here.”

Buck doesn’t look at him, instead moving to stand and pace across the living room, still caught up in his thoughts. Eddie wants to help, but he doesn’t want to push too far, so he waits.

“I was really trying with Alex,” Buck says finally, and Eddie wills himself to stay calm, neutral, supportive. If Buck and Alex have called it quits, he is not going to be happy about it. 

At least not when Buck’s in the same room.

He keeps going. “He was cute and sweet and funny and he's a nurse, for God’s sake, he’s basically a saint. But something was— he just wasn’t—”

“He wasn’t what?”

Buck sighs, hands moving up to run through his hair again. “He wasn’t enough. And it wasn’t even because of something he did this time!”

Even though the words aren’t directed at him, they still sting, and he almost feels bad for Alex. Almost. It’s overshadowed by the pride Eddie always feels when Buck puts himself first. “Why wasn’t he enough?” he asks.

Buck comes to a stop right in front of Eddie and looks at him, really looks at him, long enough for Eddie to start feeling buzzy himself. And for the first time since he arrived, Buck is still and steady and sure.

“He wasn’t enough because he wasn’t you.”

Eddie’s pretty sure the Earth stops spinning. 

“What?” he asks quietly, so he doesn’t break whatever spell he’s fallen under because there’s no way — no way — that Buck meant that the way Eddie wants him to mean it. 

“He wasn’t you, Eds,” Buck says like it’s the simplest, most obvious thing anyone has ever said. “I’ve been going on dates for months now, and I keep trying to find someone who makes me feel as safe and cared for and fucking content as I feel when I’m with you and Chris, and no one’s even come close.” He shrugs. “I think you’ve ruined me.” He winces at his word choice. “In a good way. In the best way.”

Eddie’s brain is completely scrambled, held together only by something that feels a lot like hope. “But—the girl who talked about her ex? And the guy that was mean to the waiters?”

“I mean, yeah, there were some bad ones at first. They got better and more normal eventually, but still. No matter how nice they were or how much fun we seemed to be having, all I could think about was how I was one text message away from being where I actually wanted to be.” 

So many things are flying through his head — shock, a little fear, that hope that’s still growing brighter and brighter. They’re all going so fast that he can’t make any of them stick long enough to form words, to do something, anything, to show Buck that he feels the same, so he says nothing. Which is the absolute wrong thing to do, because he watches Buck retreat back into his head, curling in on himself like he’s trying to protect all his softest parts.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, looking anywhere but Eddie, fingers twitching at his sides again. “This is a lot to dump on you like this. I should’ve waited or something, I don’t know—”

That gets Eddie’s ass in gear. He doesn’t think, he just moves, standing and meeting Buck in the middle of the living room and hauling him in by his fancy shirt collar. Eddie crashes their lips together, and Buck freezes for half a second before melting into it, arms coming around Eddie and pulling them together as close as possible. He feels hands roam up his back and soft moans vibrate against his lips, and he’s pretty sure there’s nowhere else he’s ever going to want to be in his life. Buck bites his bottom lip gently and gets a gasp out of him, and he knows for sure that if he were to die here, in Buck’s arms, with the taste of him still lingering on his tongue, he’d die happy.

He hopes he doesn’t, though. They finally found their way here. They’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for.

“You’ve ruined me too,” he whispers, pulling far enough away to speak but still close enough to feel every inch of Buck, grabbing hold of this miracle chance to tell him everything he’s been feeling for far too long. “You’re all I want, Buck. All I ever want. And I thought I missed my chance when you started dating again, so I just held on to those little post date moments with you, but—” he brings his hands up to cup Buck’s face, marveling at how perfectly they fit together. “You belong here. With us. Chris and I want you, we need you.”

He barely finishes his sentence before Buck is kissing him again, sweet and syrupy slow but still all consuming, pulling Eddie under and making his heart race. Kissing Buck is everything — fireworks and butterflies and the comfort of being exactly where you’re meant to be. It’s more exhilarating than a rope rescue, easier than breathing. It feels like new beginnings and happy endings and home. 

It feels like forever. 

They break apart for air, and Eddie realizes he confessed everything except the most important part. “I love you. So much. In case that wasn’t clear.”

Buck’s smile puts any sunny day to shame, and he leans in to trail kisses down Eddie’s jaw, over his chin, and back to his lips, where Eddie wants them to stay forever.

“I love you too,” he says, punctuated with another kiss. “And Chris.” Another. “Like a huge, stupid amount.”

“Not stupid,” Eddie says, resting their foreheads together. “Perfect.”

It really, really is.

~~~~~~~~~~

[from: Buck] eds

[from: Buck] i’m on a date right now

[from: Buck] with the hottest, smartest, kindest, most incredible guy i’ve ever met in my whole life

[from: Buck] so if i don’t text you later

[from: Buck] it’s probably because i’m getting lucky

Eddie rolls his eyes as his phone keeps buzzing, but he can’t help the fond, likely lovestruck smile that creeps across his face. He looks across the table at Buck, who looks damn near angelic in the low light of the Mexican restaurant where everything kind of started, and sees the same smile mirrored back at him. He nudges Buck’s foot under the table with his own and picks up his phone.

[to: Buck] I have it on good authority that you definitely will get lucky if you put your phone down.

There’s a clatter across the table, and Eddie laughs, freer and happier than he can ever remember being.

[from: Buck] done

[from: Buck] no more games

[from: Buck] i’m all yours