#thinking about that stupid fucking ORC.

[james-fun-in-the-sunderland]

ode to treading water and passing ideation .... (wip)

[pillsburydoughboysupreme]

guys i’m being a nerd again and im making a conlang (maybe) based off the way too much thinking i did for my orc character in dnd. i haven’t played dnd in months but that’s beside the point.

the point is i want More Sounds. so i started looking at the international phonetic alphabet. but alas i am stupid and half of them sound identical.

[probablybadrpgideas]

Number of Goblins, ranked

One Goblin - That's just a goblin. He's probably just getting his groceries or something. Leave him alone, you asshole.

Ten Goblins -- That's a fairly normal amount of goblins. There's generally around ten goblins in any given situations. They're just here for aesthetic, so you know it's a fantasy world. Remember to tip them when you leave.

One Hundred Goblins -- Ok this is too many goblins, but this is a reasonable amount of too many goblins. Like, this is maybe an army of goblins or something? My point is that they're probably here for a good reason. Best not to mess with them, they're likely load-bearing in some way.

One Thousand Goblins -- This is probably a goblin town, in which case this is really more a case of One Human, which is a completely different list only available on goblintube. If not, all these goblins are lost. Return them to the goblin town. The orcs are worried.

One Million Goblins -- A million goblins? I'm not sure I've even seen a million things in my life , and now there's a million goblins? That's, like, all the goblins. Why are you at a convention of all the goblins? Are you a goblin? Actually, no, that would make sense. Yeah, that's probably what's going on here. Sorry you had to find out this way.

One Billion Goblins -- Ok, look, at this point you have clearly been sent to a future time where humanity is extinct and goblins have inherited the earth. I can think of no other explanation for a billion goblins. This sadly means that you're the weirdo, and you have to go be a cryptid now. At least you can find a phone and read the goblin creepypastas about you.

One Trillion Goblins -- How? What is happening? This is more goblins then there are birds, and they'll all in your house? How is your house this big? Wait, forget the goblins, how is your house this big? Are the goblins here to guillotine you? Probably! Move out of your stupid mansion and let the goblins have it, you weird rich bird-hoarding freak.

One Quadrillion Goblins -- One quadrillion? I'm only like 80% sure that's even a real number! Luckily, you won't have to deal with a quadrillion goblins for long, because soon they'll collapse together under their gravity, forming a far more manageable single planet-sized goblin. Picard's not gonna be happy about this one!

More Goblins -- Fuck off, you do not have more then a quadrillion goblins. Why are you lying? Are you worried I won't like you if you don't claim to have an implausible number of goblins? Don't worry. Your worth is not dependent on your goblin numbers. Go back to the actual number of goblins secure in the fact I love you, no matter how few goblins you have <3

[monstersflashlight]

Set up by a baby-orc (Orc’s POV)

A/N: Hi there lovelies, I thought it would be really cute to see what he was thinking in this scene, so here we have it. (Part 1 here)

Orc!reader (POV) x fem!human || sfw, meet-cute, soulmates

When your big sister asked you to pick up her kid, you were more than happy to do so. You were the cool uncle and you had to maintain that status or your brother Inar would take that place, and you loved that big stupid dude, but you weren’t against dirty play to be the cool uncle. Like showing up to the daycare and taking him to get ice cream. Even if your sister would hate you later for it.

You could sense your nephew inside, the line joining you wasn’t as strong as the one linking you with your brothers and sisters, but it was enough to feel his happiness and alert him you were already there.

Your special hearing could pick up his fast steps as you heard a sweet voice asked: "Who?" He appeared through the door with a human woman and your breath got caught in your throat. She was the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen, her wide hips and voluptuous figure making your dick twitch in the most uncomfortable moment.

"My uncle!" Your favorite baby orc exclaimed, pointing across the patio directly at you.

If you thought she was beautiful before it was nothing like what you felt when she looked up and your eyes met. She looked amazed at you as she gaped in the tiniest way, making you gape back at her. And then it clicked, she was her. Your mate. The one you’ve been waiting forever to meet. She was your fucking mate and you were gaping at her like a stupid orc.

She walked to you moving her hips, your nephew next to her talking excitedly about something you didn’t comprehend. When she was standing right in front of you, you took a deep breath, her scent hitting you like a tidal wave. She smelled perfect, like the forest in the spring and your favorite food at the same time. She smelled so perfect you couldn’t stop breathing in and out almost driving yourself to hyperventilation.

She looked down at your nephew, and you snapped out of your stupor.

“I told you she was human! Look! Look! Her skin is not green!” Your nephew sounded so excited you smiled down at him, his words making you blush as she giggled. Your heart skipped a beat, her laugh was the most amazing sound you’d ever heard.

“I can see that,” you said in a choked voice, almost too low. She squirmed in the tiniest way, but you were hyper-aware of every breath she took, every tiny movement of her delicious body. Your eyes were fixated on her as your brain filled with adoration and desperation. It was so intense it took your breath away.

Your nephew couldn’t catch the tension in the air as he kept talking. “Isn’t she pretty? She doesn’t have tusks like me!” He said it like it was such a weird thing that you had to bite down on your lip not to laugh. He was so freaking cute.

“Yours will grow eventually, though,” you explained, kneeling on the floor in front of him, you still towered over him but his little green face was closer to him when you said it. You looked at her and realized you were still a bit taller than her, even on your knees, and you couldn’t avoid realizing how hard it would be to fit inside of her… But somewhat you knew she would take you better than any other creature on earth.

“They will?!” Your nephew sounded so shocked by that information that you cursed internally because he should know that. Baby orcs should have that kind of information, fuck.

“Yes, hon, yours will grow until they are as big as your uncle’s,” she explained, touching his head affectionately and making your insides go all gooey with appreciation.

She shivered almost imperceptibly, but you saw. You couldn’t avoid staring at her frame in front of you, your insides turning and moving, asking you to get closer, to touch her, to claim her. But you couldn’t. She was humans and humans didn’t have the mating instincts orcs had. You would have to woo her first, explain everything and made sure she understood what it meant completely.

She looked around uncomfortably and you regretted being such a creep that couldn’t stop staring at her. “I should go back to the kids,” she let out, looking at you and rapidly to the ground.

“Yeah. Yes. I guess so.” He said as she walked a few steps backwards. But you couldn’t let her go just like that, so your impulsive side won and you said: “I’ll be seeing you again… that’s a promise,” you knew you did good when you saw a big smile breaking in her gorgeous face. She didn’t turn back, but you didn’t care, her smile would keep you content for days.

You stared at her until she was at the door of the school, and when she turned around and her eyes caught you, your smile was so big she blushed and ran inside, making you chuckle as you took your nephew to the car, already planning how to woo her completely.

You’d see her soon enough.

[theres-a-body-here]

Scumtober - Day 10 (Neighbors)

Male!Minotaur x Male!reader

Your fingers curl tightly around the shovel handle, knuckles turning white as you try to thrust it into the hard earth again and again. A few stray locks of hair fall onto your forehead as you lean forward, sweat trickling down your brow. You curse under your breath, "Stupid furry rat bastard… Useless little shit… Fuck…"

You liked babysitting for the Ulgan family. Despite how society views Orcs, they treat you well. The kids were mild-mannered, the neighborhood was safe, and the pay was great. So, you came into work today expecting a normal day while the mister and misses went out for a date.

But Dura's old ass hamster decided it was the perfect time to straight up die.

You sigh heavily, leaning on the shovel handle. As you stare down at the chopped dirt beneath you, you realize digging a grave here is nearly impossible right now.  It was winter after all, the ground was frozen solid.

Your gaze shifts towards the window where you spot Dura happily chowing down on a bowl of ice cream. Not exactly a nutritious choice, but she did cry a lot after finding Hammy stiff in his cage earlier today… It wasn't until you promised her a whole gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream from the store that she finally stopped the water works.

You let out a deep growl of frustration and plunge the shovel blade directly into the frozen soil with all your might. Angrily, you rip it free and stab it back into the ground once more.

Frustration bubbles within you as you think about having to explain death to a ten-year-old orcling. Though, you shouldn't have been surprised, considering how fragile hamsters are. To be honest, you kinda expected her to squish the damn thing some day. But here you are now, dealing with this mess.

You grit your teeth, continuing to stab at the ground with the shovel.

A sudden, low laugh draws your attention upward to see a tall figure looming over the wooden fence that separates the Ulgans' yard from the next door neighbors'.

Donovan.

The minotaur leans casually on the top of the fence, watching you curiously with his arms crossed over his broad chest.

"Calm down killer," He says teasingly. "Does the backyard owe you money or something?" His deep laughter echoes through the otherwise silent street.

Wiping the sweat off your brow with your arm, you glare up at him. "Shove it asshole," you sneer.

Of course he would find this funny.

"Alright alright," Donovan replies with another chuckle. He watches you dig for a moment longer before starting to speak again.

"So uh… How's business treating ya? Still likin' your job?"

"Ehh," you say, letting out a loud exhale. "Been better. The little one's pet died."

"Shit," he mutters sympathetically as he watches you struggle to make any dent into the frozen soil.

With a roll of his eyes, he grips the top of the fence and in one swift motion, he vaults over it, landing with a thud onto the ground.

"Here, gimme that," he offers, reaching for the shovel. His hand wraps around its base and easily rips it from your grip.

"H-Hey, dickhead! I could've done it myself!" You snap at him, smacking his muscular back as he starts to dig up some dirt with ease.

"Hey!" he exclaims, spinning around to face you with a raised eyebrow. "What was that for?"

"For being made out of hamburger," you retort sarcastically as you stretch your arm toward the shovel in his hand.

"Made outta hamburger?" He repeats, raising an eyebrow at you as he hoists the shovel high above your head. "And just what kind of burger would that be, huh?" He asks teasingly, his snout curling into a shiteating grin.

"A big stupid one," you retort, jumping upwards slightly in an attempt to grab the damn thing from him.

He chuckles as he watches you jump like an angry honeybadger.

You give him a annoyed expression. "Dude, come on," you complain, gazing up at him as he holds the shovel out of your reach.

"Let me do this for you," he insists as he leans down towards you, all traces of humor gone from his voice. 

He looks serious, like he truly wants to help you bury some orcling's dead hamster.

"Fine," you say with a heavy sigh, stepping back and gesturing towards the hole he started.

"Go ahead then."

He gives you a warm smile before getting to work. His strong arms swing the shovel effortlessly into the ground as his tail wags happily.

As he digs, you finally take note of his fit. White T-shirt and grey sweats. Classic lazy bum style.

It looks good though.

...

Very good.

...

You wouldn't mind taking a bite outta him.

Wait, how far is he digging?

You lean over to get a closer look at the hole.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's enough!" You call out, rushing forward to tap his strong shoulder. Your hand comes to rest gently on his firm muscles. 

Looking down at you with wide eyes, he stops digging immediately before glancing at the hole.

It was at least ten feet deep.

After a brief pause, Donovan returns your gaze with a sheepish smile before shrugging. 

With a huff, you glance over at the house again to check for any sign of Dura. She doesn't seem to be in the kitchen anymore. The small orcling probably left to watch TV in the living room.

With the coast clear, you nonchalantly nudge the small corpse into the gaping hole with your foot and watch as it tumbles down into darkness below.

"Alright," you say with a nod. "Fill it."

He flashes you a quick salute before refilling the freshly dug hole. In minutes, there's nothing left but a patch of disturbed dirt to show that anything ever happened here at all.

You clap your hands and close your eyes.

"Here lies Hammy, who lived a wonderful..."

You peek at your fingers to count.

"Two years."

After your mini eulogy, you open your eyes and peer over at Donovan.

"Okay, you can leave now," you command, jabbing a finger towards the fence line. 

He claps his hands together and presses them under his maw, batting his eyelashes dramatically. 

"Don't I get a reward for helping?" He asks coyly, giving you a smile that makes you wanna bite him.

You can't afford to argue with him when Mom and Pop can come back at any moment.

Rolling your eyes, you slowly walk over to him, stopping to stand on your tiptoes directly beside him. Leaning in close, you press your lips firmly against his furry cheek.

Donovan stands there dazed for a moment before scratching his chin

"I was actually thinking you could make me some mac and cheese or someth-"

Before he can finish his sentence, you get a tight hold of his horns before shaking his head back and forth.

Scumtober 2024 Masterlist

[thechekhov]

Chekhov Reads Dungeon Meshi: CH49

Mmmmmbig chicken.

It's not non-sense, it's common-sense. But dang, orcs really have that toxic adventuring gender stuff down, huh.

Dwarves are comprised of many basic shapes, such as...... cube....and.......two circle.....

.....It's..........TURNING into a dungeon.

Like an architectural structure has a natural evolutionary progression, including, apparently, becoming a dungeon if enough magic leaks into it? This is fascinating. Like magical radiation that poisons the natural architecture and creates monsters. That's fucked up.

But I need to know more immediately.

Though wait, I think Marcille's flashback chapters talked about creating and maintaining dungeons so it MUST be a well understood phenomenon.

It's a small detail, but the group having a horse (pony?) with them and Senshi later getting attached to a horse-like monster feels extremely intentional. I wonder if it'll be explicitly mentioned or if I'm just reading too much into things.

......Anne was the name of the Kelpie. :( That's 100% of purpose. Oh no. Why do you do this to me.

....aaaand that's where Senshi's strong parental instincts kick in.

................................ damn, poor kid.

Dwarves are tough. A part of me wonders if that guy was hanging on to whatever life he had left, just barely making it through to feed Senshi........ A walking corpse, by all other names, hanging on for the sake of it.

It's really cool to see Senshi grow so much in the span of a few panels. And the orcs softening up is such a common theme it's not even surprising.

Oh.

OH.

Oh no.

He's a fucking idiot but it's like. Healing? How stupid he is.

It's a level of not giving a fuck that you can aspire to.

Marcille like "let me see if I can get you an itemized list....."

Laios pls.

This boy is Sherlocking the fuck out of SOMETHING but I can't tell what.

Laios is an unstoppable force. He does not give a fuck.

But also. Hippogriff?

You're telling me a shroom mushed this Hippogriffin?

Okay, but seriously. "Step into the magic mushroom circle to clip through the floor and break your model by downloading a new unapproved mod" sounds JUST like something the dungeon would have.

well hey! The kick had a reasoning behind it!

humans: we wanna unlock the secrets of genome editing!

Mushroom CRISPR:

okay why is this genuinely getting to me.

(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Bro. I love them.

AAAAA NOT THROUGH THE GENE EDITING CIRCLE

[itsthesinbin]

Laios Touden x Fat!Reader (SFW AND NSFT)

I'm gonna do individual posts just so i dont feel pressured to write a bunch at once

here's the first of the fat!reader stuff- my boy Laios!

for my fat bitches and bastards who get tired of ONLY seeing chubby!readers and how they're all cutesy and insecure about their bodies.

SFW

⦁ We already know Laios likes fat fucks. It's canon from the short orc segment tbh. ⦁ Golden retreiver boyfriend with the brain of an orange cat. He's very affectionate and very stupid (lovingly). ⦁ He's physically affectionate and kinda just. grabs part of you when cuddling. He doesn't mean anything by it but they're called love handles for a reason. ⦁ Emotional support stomach. Like how a woman just grabs her boob for no reason, Laios does the same to your stomach (or your boob if you have them and let him do that). ⦁ "Laios" "Yes?" "Stop jiggling my stomach." And he gives you the puppy eyes cause he's a big weenie. He catches you doing it to yourself later and just "WELL WHY CAN'T I DO IT THEN!!!!" Sometimes you just gotta slap your flab around don't lie to me and say you don't do it. ⦁ Putting the tall in Tall-Men, his clothes fit you so you're often stealing them. He actively gives you clothes to wear and wash so they'll smell like you/your soap when he goes into the dungeon. ⦁ If you go into the dungeon with him to find Falin, he gets worried about your caloric intake (and everyone else's but bigger ppl like you, himself, and Senshi need more calories) and double checks with Senshi that you got enough food. Senshi gets offended that he thinks you're not being fed, but Laios is just worried about you. ⦁ Personal hot water bottle. Extra body fat means you keep heat so if he's cold he's instantly in your sleeping bag- or he begs you to get in his.

NSFT

⦁ Please sit on his face please please please please please please for the love of god please. ⦁ Very much the type to get a GOOD hold on your hips and ass. If it's got meat he's grabbin it. ⦁ Has asked for a boob job at least once if you got them. He'll respect if you say no, of course, but he does pout a little. Not in a guilt trippy way his dumb ass does NOT know how to hide his emotions. ⦁ He's very sloppy and inexperienced, but he is VERY enthusiastic. ⦁ Praise kink to the max- loves telling you how good you look and feel, and absolutely melts if you do the same to him. ⦁ Sucks dick/eats pussy like it's his last meal you WILL be walking funny later.

[ameliathornromance]

Are you the Final Girl?

Slasher!Orc X Reader

Chapter 3

Masterlist <--- TWS: Murder, reader sees a corpse that has been butchered, dead dove do not eat

You awoke with a stir, checked the clock beside your bed with bleary eyes.

2:45am.

You groaned and rolled over, facing away from the bright digital light and shut your eyes.

Before you were about to drift off, a buzz from your phone made you jump. Rolling over once again, you picked up your phone from your bedside and checked the caller ID.

You had expected it to be Jack, calling to ask for some help getting back home from a pub or something like that. But it wasn’t Jack.

Jennifer’s big, pearly white grin beamed at you on the screen. You picked up the call. “Jen? It’s really late, what are you-”

“Could you meet me?” She said, quickly. “Please. I… I think someones following me.” The urgency in her voice made you sit up right in your bed.

“Where are you?” you asked, throwing the bedcovers off yourself and setting your feet down on the carpet.

“I’m in the middle of the Science block campus. I didn’t want to lead anyone back to my dorm room.” Jennifer said, quickly. Her breath was frantic and quick, as if she might have been running.

“Alright, stay where you are, I’m on my way.” You pulled on a pair of jeans and found a long sleeve jumper and left your dorm room, phone held up to your cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Shh!” Jennifer’s voice moaned with terror.

You felt your stomach drop through your body. You stayed shushed as you began to run down the hallway.

“You don’t have to say anything back, but I’m running now okay? Don’t worry Jen.”

Something told you that this wasn’t just any old creepy guy walking down the same street as you incident.

“I think he’s… oh my God, is that a machete?”

You practically flung yourself at the accommodation doors as Jennifer gasped from the other end of the phone. “What the fuck are you?! Get away from me, I swear you’ll-” but Jennifer never got to finish her sentence.

Her screams rang down the phone, making you flinch at the screen. “Jennifer!” you bellowed, but it was no use.

An unnerving, squelching, followed by a crack and a snap broke up Jennifer’s high pitched screams and cries for help.

If you were running before, you must have been sprinting by now. Heart in your throat, you hung up the phone as you could now hear Jennifer’s screams in life now, more bloodcurdling and terrifying than down the phone.

Your mind raced, what would you do once you got there? It sounded like that the attacker had a weapon, if he really had something dangerous, what good could you do? In your haphazardly thrown together outfit and only phone on hand?

As you turned the corner, past the Humanities block, just before the science block, the screaming fell silent.

And suddenly, you could hear your heart in your ears, thundering and pounding as if it were maintaining the beat of an orchestra. You clamped a hand over your mouth and sank behind a group of bushes that had been rounded with shears.

A battle waged inside of you, one half of you screaming at you to get up and run for your life, knowing that if you turn that final corner where the science block ended, you would die, while the other half shrieked at you that your best friend was dying and she needed your help.

The first half of you won over.

Heavy, slow, pants came into ear shot. Judging from the direction, it had to have been from the science block corner ahead.

You squeezed your eyes tightly shut and cuddled into a ball, hoping that you would become one with the plant.

Burying your head in your knees, the thunk, thunk, thunk of the attacker’s footfalls echoed around inside your head as if you were standing right next to a church bell.

Your stupid, stupid curiosity got the better of you and you dared to peek out from behind the shrubbery.

You froze.

Standing under the lamp light, a man cast a tall, broad shadow down the path. His face was obscured by shadows and long, thick, mangy hair that hung around his head, greasy from bodily fluids.

In his hand, he clutched a long, wide blade that dripped something thick onto the pavement beside him.

His head turned to the left, then to the right, his body as still as a statue. Deciding on which way to go, he stalked off to the left and into the darkness.

You didn’t know how long you sat there for, behind the bushes in the freezing Autumn air.

Finally, you gathered up the courage enough to stand, legs numbed from being coiled so tightly to your chest and stumbled over to the edge of the science building.

“J-Jen?” You called out. Your voice didn’t feel like your own, rather, like it was coming from all around you.

“Jen? C’mon… don’t screw around.” But as you got closer and closer to the mass of viscera on the floor, you could no longer deny it.

This, bloody mush on the floor, was Jennifer. Your best friend.

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Taglist <3

@soapjay @greenie-c @sunndust @gonemorre

If you'd like to be added to the taglist, please comment under this post!

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

You know, I'm a huge fan of mirkwood elves being considered creepy and downright terrifying by almost everyone on Middle Earth, even by other elves. Your headcanons of them being nocturnal and eating the fuckin spawn of ungoliant of all things add on to this, sooo, can I have some incorrect quotes about some scary elves?

As asked for, some incorrect quotes:

Legolas: *starting to gut the spider carcasses after a skirmish*

The twins, who are visiting: what are you doing?!

Legolas: look, we can share if you want-

~~~~~

*in Imlardis*

The twins: *throw the curtains wide open* good morning!

Legolas: *hisses* wHAT DEVILISH CONTRAPTION-

~~~~~~~~~

Elrond: *talking about how food is scarce atm in Imlardis*

Thranduil: *pauses* you kill dozens of orcs on the regular, and you still don’t have enough food?

~~~~~~~~~

Faramir: I heard that those elves of Mirkwood will eat anyone and anything they deem an enemy.

Aragorn: oh, that’s an exaggeration-

Legolas:......

Aragorn: that’s an exaggeration, right legolas-

~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas: you two are like the sun

The twins: awww, thank you-

Legolas: a nuisance.

~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas: look if you’re stupid enough to challenge my people, you get eaten if you loose. That’s the rules of engagement.

~~~~~~~~~~

Thranduil: nighttime is Funtime

*silvans cackling in the distance as they slaughter all who cross their path*

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thranduil: of course I would never hurt a tree! They are Eru’s gift to the universe!

Thranduil: you, however-

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Galion: oh, the noldor are always like “oh no! The darkness! By god what will we do when there are no farms! The night is so scary”

Galion: bitch, what do you think life was like before ya’ll came?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas: Eru may judge me, but honestly, fuck him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas: *dragging a spider corpse* life’s too short to care about other people’s opinions-

Aragorn: you’re immortal!

Legolas: fine, life’s too long to care about other people’s opinions. Happy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Glorfindel: alright, looks like- wHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

Arwen:*snacking on a spider leg* this is really good!

Legolas, vibrating with excitement: I know, right!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*in valinor post lotr*

Gandalf: ok, Thranduil has finally sailed, which means I need to get out of here before he catches me because he will definitely eat me for endangering his son-

Thranduil: hello, Gandalf!

Gandalf: *incoherent screaming*

[banj0possum]

Hiii! Could you please do a scenario where the reader is gushing over a fictional character and saying stuff like how hot they are and that they (reader) want to marry them (fictional character). And then the reaction of your characters to all that (specifically darik and hallow I think were the names) thanks!!

When Their Darling Simps For A Fictional Character

My OCs x GN Reader

hey silly billys !! ill be on a little hiatus for a bit because ill be visiting family <3 thank you for all the love yall have given me and my characters!

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘��༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅���⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

Adrian sees you on your phone and smiling at...a cartoon character??

Over the course of the week, he teases and makes fun of you for it, but quickly goes through the stages of grief over how he's not getting your attention as much as before.

At first, he denies that he's jealous of a fucking picture, but that denial is soon forgotten once he hears you comment about how hot they were and he's fuming.

He'll try any way to get you to pay attention to him, slap your phone out of your hand, throw balls of paper at you, anything to make you stop ogling over that dumb character and be with him!!

"Stop looking at that stupid fanfiction and pay attention to me!"

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Brandon is not hiding the fact that he's jealous.

I mean he's trying, but you can clearly see he has beef with your fictional husbando.

He goes home and does research on the character, asking you all casual sounding what you like about them and change a bit of his style depending on your answer.

If you like how masc they are, he's gonna show off his muscles more during training, take off his shirt drenched with sweat in front of you, anything he can think of to make you think he's more manly and therefore more worthy of your love and attention.

"Hey (Y/N)! Check out my new haircut! You know, it kinda reminds me of that character you like right?...right?"

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Valeth brought you a few books to read and he notices you taking a liking to a certain character in one of them.

You tell him how dreamy and attractive the character is and how awesome they are, and he's trying not to grab your little book and throw it in the fire.

He would never want you to hate him for destroying something you love but goddAMN would it be satisfying.

He makes sure to note what characteristics you like about them and see if he can display them himself.

The big orc would even try to hide your book in a high shelf so you can't read it and pay attention to this fictional character instead of him :(

"Duckling? How about you put down that book and we prepare dinner together? I've missed spending time with my love~"

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Bo hates it. But he stays quiet about it, there's no way he can tear apart something that doesn't exist...

He's really salty and a bit whiny about it, begging you to compliment and love on him instead.

"Why settle for some fake when ya got the real thing right 'ere darlin'?"

Ribs is tearing apart anything that depicts the character. Say goodbye to your comic books or magazines.

He just throws a little pouty tantrum because you love someone that isn't the horde.

"You're our mate! Now please come here so I can hug you!" >:I

Soda is sitting across from you as you ramble about how cool this character is and he's not listening at the slightest. Fuck this guy, who even are they???

After you're done, he crawls up to you and pulls you into a tight cuddle.

"Thats nice...can we go back to kissing now?"

Screw just thinks you like the merch and not the character so he collects anything with your favorite character on it.

However, the others get mad at him for it and explain. Screw then takes it all away and hides it somewhere you'll never find.

"mmm I think we're cooler.."

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Wolfie isn't happy. He takes whatever thing you have of your character, and he rips it to pieces.

You run after him as he has your treasured item in his mouth and you hear his muffled laughing as he shakes his head around, ruining it..

He makes it his mission to jump in your lap whenever he sees you gushing about your little character, or pawing your face so you can look at him and love him now. It's been 5 minutes (Y/N)! It's his turn!

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Dorik's eye twitches as he watches you smiling and giggling over some picture. What's so good about it anyway?

He tries to get your attention on him by being extra obedient, making your favorite food, turning on your favorite movie for the both of you to watch, running you a hot bath, anything to make you praise him and not that stupid little image!

He almost settles to whining and begging for your attention, asking why and how you like this drawing and not him! He's your loyal servant after all!

"Master! They don't deserve someone as wonderful and perfect as you! Let's just eat dinner together and forget about them!"

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Kalva is a bit like screw and supports your interest in the character, but only if you praise him for finding little trinkets and stuff of them.

He loves seeing you happy, even though he hates the fact that you talk about them like they're your mate or something, but that's nonsense, he's your mate!

There will not be anything of that character in your shared bed/nest. You have a personal space for them, but your bed is special to only you and him.

He coos to sleep next to you, mumbling about you possessively while he huddles close to your warmth.

"Cute mate, my little mate, you're my mate! My happy little darling!"

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Jasper wouldn't really care unless you directly tell him you like them better than him then he's committing a war crime.

If he hears you saying you want to marry them, he's stealing all your merch of the character and burning them.

He might distract you with Jonesy like pushing a glass off a table and framing it on the cat so you could stop paying attention to your fanfics or whatever.

"H-hey, Jonesy's on the table again...maybe you should switch apps...take some pictures.."

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Viktor tries to stay cool but deep down, he's very very jealous of how much you like this character.

He's one of the only ones to actually confront you about it and he's adorable whilst doing so.

"M-my dear, maybe you should read some other books? I-I know how much you love that one but maybe uhm..we could read one together?"

Garrick doesn't even hide his hatred towards them, he insults and belittles them every chance his gets.

Why be interested in someone like them when you got 3 supernatural men hopelessly in love with you?

"Oh they're strong? Bet I could beat em in a fight. Can they turn into a bat? Probably not..I can though!"

Silas ignores it, he's sure it's just a little interest that will go away sooner or later.

But if he hears you talking about wanting to marry them, he's sitting you down and asking you why you'd want to do that. He hints a lot about him being a better pick.

"Darling I'm sure you can do better than them..I mean..you sure theres no other..attractive..intelligent and interesting people in your life?.."

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Baron has to keep his cold exterior from breaking every time you ramble to him about your favorite character. He's read the books you've read because he's a creep because he wanted to know you better and he can't help but find some similarities between him and that character of yours.

He wants to speak up about it but he's scared what he might imply. A bit of him is a bit flattered that you find people like him hot, maybe he should show off those characteristics more often around you.

"They're uhm..interesting, Boss..sounds a lot like someone I know..."

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Caspian is a whiny bitch when he finds out your liking to that character, he'll try to guilt trip you into dropping your interest in them because 'he should be your only love!'

He'll try his best to get you to look at him instead of that ugly little book.

"You love them more than me don't you? You're so very mean sometimes my treasure!"

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Hallow is hiding the book, no ifs, ands or buts. He's not letting some big strong hero protagonist person take up your attention. If you try finding it, he's ripping it up and disappearing for days.

He'll be extra cuddly to you from then. He'll make sure he's the one who makes you happy, not your other little friend.

"I'll give it back to you doll, if you give me a kiss~"

[welcomingdisaster]

Things to do When You’re Bored on Thangorodrim

Cry 

Hit the rocks a little 

Regret things 

Cry some more 

Look at the stars and feel inspired 

Hit the rocks some more 

Feel stupid about smashing up your good hand on the rocks 

Try to count the orcs passing underneath 

Give up 

Take a nap 

Feel distantly impressed the orcs are still marching 

Try to count the orcs again 

Do a lot of orc-multiplication in your head 

Realize they’re marching in a circle 

Feel kind of gaslit 

Look up at the stars 

Sing a little ditty (to the stars) 

Watch the orcs leave 

Take a nap 

Nothing, for an unknown amount of time

Try some bird calls

Feel kind of embarrassed about the quality of your bird calls 

Take a nap 

Watch the bats 

Chip off a bit of the rock and toss it in general direction of the bats to trick them into thinking it’s an insect 

Feel kind of satisfied about tricking the bats 

Feel kind of guilty about tricking the bats 

Miss your father

Get pissed at your father. What the fuck, right? 

Take shelter from the rain against the rock wall 

Get wet 

Think about how pretty lightning is 

Regret things 

Cry 

Kick the rock wall 

Chew your nails 

Scold yourself for falling back into bad habits 

Do long division in your head 

Scream 

Nothing, for an unknown amount of time 

Wake up

Look down at the marching orcs 

Think about that one time four hundred years ago you came to court with your robes undone in the back 

Miss your brothers 

Miss your mother 

Miss your father 

Think about how your father’s dead 

Regret things

Wonder what they’re doing back home 

Imagine a lot of lamps, probably 

Think about the making of lamps 

Cry 

Feel kind of stupid about crying re: lamps 

Hope the bats didn’t actually eat the rock you tossed 

Apologize to the bats for tricking them with the rock

Sing a little ditty (to the bats) 

Chew your nails 

Scream 

Kick the rock wall 

More long division 

Invent a new kind of pull-up which involves being chained to a sheer rock face by your right hand and crying a lot 

Watch eagles 

Sing a little ditty (to the eagles) 

Come up with an elaborate story in your head about how the eagles are in love 

Realize the eagles are brothers 

Feel guilty about the story you made up in your head 

Take a nap 

Look up at the stars 

Do your pull up a whole bunch of times 

Lick the rock wall 

Try to remember how to write a villanelle  

Eat a piece of your own skin that peeled off your hand after you hit the rock wall 

Feel gross 

Hope your brothers are coming to get you 

Hope your bothers aren’t coming to get you 

Cry

Swing back and forth on the chain a little 

Sing a little ditty (just in general) 

Wave to the eagles as they return 

Watch eagles 

Try to think of good and pure things while watching the eagles 

Fuck it, incest eagles 

[sorcerous-caress]

AAHHH thank you thank you for answering my tiefling ask! Ardour is a pleasure! Could you write some more on him? Maybe about his fantasys?

Top 5 🔥HOTTEST🔥 fantasies that tiefling guys😈 keep secret from you😲? (GONE WRONG😱) (GONE SEXUAL!!🥵)

CLICK BELOW NOW👇👇👇👇👇👇

I'm happy you liked him, I'd love to talk more about him.

Worship kink / switch

He doesn't want to admit how much he admires humans in secret. All your beautiful inventions, the soul moving art and breathtaking architecture.

The temples you build for your gods that made all other races' temples obsolete in comparison. Humans are in high demand when it comes to the heavens. They make the most devoted paladins, the most overzealous clerics. The bread and butter of the whole holy ordeal, genuinely believing in the cause and ready to throw their life away for it.

Humans devotion is no joke, it outweights stars in its mass at times.

Ardour wants it all.

Dreams of it, fantasies about it. How docile and obedient you'd look kneeling before his throne, wearing the best armour with the most beautiful carvings. While at night you'd be clad in sinful outfits, silk barely hiding your intimate parts as you await him at his chambers.

Sadly, this isn't the medieval ages, and he can barely afford rent, let alone real silk.

No, he has his stupid lectures where stupid human professers passively explain lessons while he pays zero attention, getting distracted whenever they bend over or unbutton the top of their blouse.

It's so stupid. He has demon blood in him! He shouldn't be getting scolded for missing another assignment. They should be kneeling at his feet!

Yet humans hold all the authority positions in all cities. Human leaders, political figures, and army commanders. They have expanded so much that there is no corner on this earth where you could run to without bumping into a human thinking they can order you around.

What he hates the most, is that he's into it. As much as he dreams about being the one wearing the crown, the aching between his legs whenever he imagines you keeping him on a leash tells another story.

Fuck your kind is so cool. How did you come up with all of those ideas? How are you this creative? So brave and adventurous...so...preveted and ready to fuck anything with self awareness. Letting orcs breed you, allowing dragons to use your like fleshlights, seducing assimars and demons alike.

Why does he feel the need to please you whenever you're around? Why does he feel lesser and below you? Why does he enjoy it so much?

The way he scurries to fetch you a drink whenever you even hint at being thirsty, the way he priorities you over his studies and immediately asnwers your calls/texts.

He wants to be the dangerous tiefling making the naive human desperate for his attention, how the fuck did he end up being the one wrapped around your finger?

He failed a couple of exams when you booty dialled him at 3AM. because you were horny and even the thought of refusing felt like sin scorching his throat.

It annoys him.

All thoughts leave his brain the second you open the door, wearing nothing but a shirt, which makes the overpriced Uber ride here actually worth it.

It's like a switch flips in his brain and he immediately wants to serve you. Let him taste you, please please let him eat you out. He'll beg and cry if you want, he needs his sharp teeth biting up your thighs right now or he will lose his mind.

Ardour's mouth is the first to betray him in every scenario. Every lewd thought and preveted desire is spoken out loud between mouthfulls of cum he swallows down. Exposing how much he kept leaking in his pants during the ride here just by thinking about you, fisting his cock while describing how he saves every selfie you send him for jerk off material.

-

Degrading your kind, saying all humans are nothing but dumb sluts who need to learn their place whilst he's on his knees, grinding against your leg.

You pull him by the horns to shut him up by pushing his mouth against your wet heat.

Foot fetish

This one ties to the worship kink.

Is he ashamed of the fact a footjob gets him cumming in record time? Yeah, a lot actually.

But his brain doesn't have the capability of shame when he gets to kiss your ankles, forked tongue licking up and down your leg. The humiliation of the act itself is its biggest appeal to his libido, arousal pooling inside him as he holds your foot between his claws and digs against the skin.

Part of him wants to eat you alive. Gnaw at your flesh and bite to the bone of your meaty leg.

Fuck why are humans so plump?

So he settles for a taste, a show of submission. Your ankle is his favourite part to pay attention to, it's so fragile and easy to break. It's one of the weakest parts of the human body.

Each time he has his mouth on it, he can picture it crystal clear.

Biting down.

The crunching sound.

The fantasy makes him whimper against your feet, sucking harder on your skin. Lifting your leg up and kissing the sensitive area at the underside of your knee where the skin is the most sensitive. With each graze of his razor teeth against it, your heart skips a beat as primal fear mixes with arousal.

Ardour also likes the rough feeling of your heel grinding between his legs, be it you applying pressure on it or him grabing your foot and forcing it against his cock.

The leaking cum dripping down on your foot, leaving it all sticky and messy as he gets off on the disgusted look on your face. Looking down at him like he's an idiot, like he's a filthy fiend beneath you. He's tempted to lick the cum off of your foot clean just to be degraded more for how disgusting he is.

-

Does he have a folder on his phone exclusive to pictures of your bare legs? Of curious he does Doesn't.

Public sex

Despite all the loser stereotypes he falls under, he's actually someone who enjoys being in public.

...maybe a bit too much.

What matters is that he scoffs at the anti-social virgin incels who stay glued to their computer all day. No shit they can't find a date if they're busy gooning it out to pornbots on twitter, maybe touch some grass and get some bitches?

Is what he says when he goes out and attempts to flirt with humans in the area after paying for a full course flirting tutorial from a pick-up artist, watching a sigma motivational video on youtube, and asking for advice on reddit, in that order.

He fails. A lot.

After he scores you, it feels better than wining the lottery as he swears up and down that it was all the effort and lessons which helped him, definitely not just you taking pity on a rando in a dating app.

At least he stopped approaching strangers now. Other humans are hot duh, but he's not going to fucking fumble this bag by even insinuating he's interested in anyone other than you.

Even if another human approaches him, no thank you. He is locked on, he has you now, and the world will have to claw you out of his cold, dead hands!

So now, he brings you to the public instead. He can't afford expensive restaurants, so your dates consist of fast food joints, the park and...campus library? He has a subscription card there that he wants to use before it expires.

The dates start off as innocent enough, but you can't help but feel his glances increasing in frequency the more time goes on.

His touches start to linger. Ardour's tail swishing around before he suddenly wraps it around his leg as he stiffens.

He's getting hard in public.

It's just...you're sitting here all beautiful in front of him, how is he supposed not to get turned on?

Especially when all the other humans who pass by give the two of you a second look. They know you're with a tiefling from the way he's possessively sticking to your side. Ardour thinks about how they know you're together, fuck what if they imagine you two fucking? Everyone in here knows he's getting you gasping under him in bed.

At least in his brain.

"A tiefling and a human, how scandalous...for you."

"They probably think you're a whore for dating a fiend you know? Humans never liked my kind."

"My bite marks are still visible on your neck..come on don't hide them. I want others to see."

"That one scowled at me. Ha, she probably wonders if I'm manipulating you into sleeping with me."

You either take him to a bathroom and fuck him, or he'll start getting more bolder and shameless in front of everyone.

He won't fucking shut up.

Now the librarian is giving the two of you nervous glances.

Oh, he will take it as far as he can. Last time, his tail was busy flicking against your sensitive heat under the table while you struggled to order food. Another time, he was bold enough to pull you into his lap in the middle of the park, squeeze and fondle your chest while biting your neck.

Being seen in the public with you does something to his brain and makes it leak braincells alongside his regard for the law.

It's like it's his life mission to prove every bad stereotype about tieflings right, out of spite. Each time an elderly couple of elves scowl at him hugging you, he wants to fuck you in front of them and show them that there is nothing they can do.

They can think of him as filthy as they want, they can paint him to he a sinful devil as much as they want. Because. They. Can't. Do. Shit.

-

You chose him with all of his suppoded filth and sins. You chose to be with him and he wants to show the whole world how this human is willingly letting a tiefling fuck them, how humanity still repeats its mistakes of playing with fire.

The tree huggers should stay busy clutching their pearls and not get near his human.

Blood kink

....listen he doesn't mean to have that one. Like he genuinely doesn't even know why he has it, he's not even into any extreme kinks-

Okay that's just a bunch of lies.

You had a nosebleed one time, and he purposely was late in getting a tissue so it'd trickle down your lips and chin. He came back eventually but refused to hand it to you.

Instead, he dapped it under your nose while licking the blood up your chin and lapping at your lips. The metallic taste went down his throat like ambrosia as his tongue slipped between your lips, making you taste your own life essence.

His tail curled around you, clawed hands pulling you against him as the tissue fell to the ground. Blood dripping down again and mixing with the kiss Ardour's melting into.

You tasted as divine as he imagined. Some demons do enjoy the taste of souls. He's just a tiefling, so he doesn't have the faintest idea how to get one, let alone eat it, but your blood held a hint of life in it.

He's not going to drink your blood. He's not some vampire. Actually, he thinks he might need to visit emergency care if he does it.

It's just that he always wondered why infernal pacts were signed with blood. Why names were carved into flesh, why the hells had this obsession with the souls of the living.

But oh, now he understands.

He won't bite you. He's too much of a scaredy cat for that. Lowkey he thinks all humans are fragile things, and if he breathes too hard in your general direction, then you might collapse.

But if you happened to get a papercut, a nose bleed, a scrapped knee.

He's more than happy to be of assistant.

Lapping up at the wound with his forked tongue, moaning against your flesh as he savours the taste of your life escaping your vessels. Into him.

Fuck it's going inside him, he's literally taking your life.

Oh he's just being so mean, isn't he? He shouldn't do that to poor humans, he shouldn't find your taste this appealing.

The bloodline of Beelzabul pumps through his heart.

A beat

Faster

And faster.

He wants to eat you.

He won't. He can't. It's weird. Blood is gross.

But he is gross. He is already filthy and a creep, he's already labeled a sinner.

So why not worship at your shrine for forgiveness? He will grovel for repentance as much as you want, let you grind down on his cock with your heel as much as you like.

Just let him keep lapping at your wounds like a dog until they close and heal. Let him indulge in the heritage he should be ashamed of.

He is so so weak and the call of your flesh is so so sweet.

-

Horn pulling

Ardour is someone who takes extreme care of his horns. Like most tieflings, It's his pride and joy.

Various accessories to match his outfits, polishing and shining them to bring out their vibrant colours. He especially puts in more effort after the two of you start hanging out because of your clear affinity for them.

░M░Y░P░U░S░S░Y░I░N░B░I░O░🍆🍑💦

So why would he let anyone pull them? Isn't that counterproductive?

Have you ever built a wooden brick tower just to tear it down?

A sandcastle for the waves to wash away?

A beautifully wrapped present to tear open?

Just like you keep having to replace the clothes he keeps accidentally tearing with his claws from excitement, he too keeps making his horns presentable for you to ruin them time after time.

Starting slow, circling your fingerpads around the sharp tips. Squeezing it between your thumb and pointer and watching him shudder. Flicking it as his eyes go wide from the delicious vibration running down.

Wrapping your soft human hand around it, so chubby in comparison to his boney rigged hand. Feeling up and down his horns, giving him the pretense of safety as he fully embraces what's about to come.

You tighten your fist around it, tapping your nail against its hard surface.

A rough tug follows.

Ardour takes a sharp breath as his knees shake on the floor, his face buried in your lap with his arms wrapping under your knees.

You could go for hours and pull all kinds of embarrassing sounds out of him. Make him sing beautifully with his moans and whimpers as you sit dignified on the couch, toying with his horns while he's becoming a mess below.

It gets him to become loud in bed too, whenever he's drunk on the feeling of your insides squeezing his cock and you harshly pull on his horns. He's baring his teeth and looking feral at you, drool dripping from the corner of his mouth as you see the clear signs of hunger in his wide firely pupils amdist the black cornea.

You know he won't hurt it, you, but it's hard to convince your human instincts of that fact when his teeth look sharper than any scalpel. When he's slamming himself inside you of body like it's his only purpose.

When he won't stop babbling about how much of a puny human you are. Weak and helpless in comparison to him. How you either have a death wish or secretary are as much of a freak as he is to allow another species to fuck you like this.

You know his kind could devour you? The bad reputation of tieflings didn't fall out of the fucking sky for no reason. Every rumour held an ounce of truth in it.

All the stories they told you about the corruption bad evil race, the scary horned demon decadents.

Ardour's tail wrapping around to fit insides your wet hole, fucking you alongside his cock as you clench around it.

"Keep your grip on my horns, human. If you let go again, I might just eat you."

Sending you over the edge, tugging at his horns through your orgasm with desperation as his thrusts stutter from the intense way your insides spasm.

Pouring himself inside you, hot liquid filling you up as his tail slithers out of your used hole. Sticky and covered in his own cum.

He doesn't pull out. Intense gaze meeting your own as the tip of his tail nudges your lips, urging you to lick his mess up.

"Please." He pleads, all powerful a second ago and now nothing but meak and desperate. "Please, I want you to taste me....us. both of us."

Looking at you like you hung the moon and the stars, how could you refuse?

Collapsing on top of you afterwards. Cock being warmed by your insides and plugging you full. Ardour cuddles you closer, littering kisses up your neck.

He thanks you for being with him, letting him do this. Treating him...with warmth. The hells fire runs through his veins, and yet you're the warmest thing he has ever felt.

Falling asleep together, holding you tightly during the night.

-

-

Some fluffy facts to balance things out

Wonders how humans function without tails for balance or horns. Says your kind is clumsy because of it so it's his job to catch you if you trip.

If you meet another tiefling, you'd realise how much of an edgelord he is in comparison to how chill they are. He denies it and says all tiefling should be like him and stop pandering to humans by pretending to be goody two shoes. He says that while sitting with numb legs because his cat is sleeping on his lap and he refuses to move.

Actually, he knows infernal. It's a little broken, but he's trying his best between all the late night studying he has to do for his tests. His dream is to get a matching tattoo with you in infernal. Definitely tries using it during sex but gets embarrassed from his bad pronunciation and stops.

He loves human Halloween and thinks it's the best holiday ever. Who gives a shit about the pissed vampires saying it's weird for the humans to dress up like them? Really wants to do matching outfits with you.

On that note, you can easily convince him to cosplay. He had an anime phase as a teen but forced himself to stop in order to get into the "alpha sigma" mindest for college and pull cute humans.

Flames people in online games and is generally a very bad teammate, gets banned frequently. If you play with him, he becomes worse because he tries to show off to you but ends up ruining everything.

Thinks porn is for losers. he doesn't see anything wrong with having a folder of your saved selfies to jerk off to. Hey, it's not porn! At least his brain isn't rotted like those weirdos on human fetish forums.

What do you mean how does he know what that is? Uh...don't worry about it.

He's banned anyway.

But the idiots forgot to ban his alt so.

Actually watches the tiktoks you send him. Yes all of them.

his own fyp is filled with work 24/7 grindest ones that he secrelty hates but thinks they help him. Watching the entertaining ones you send him is actually the most fun he has on the app.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I'm sorry.

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

New Phyrexia disturbed me - and not how it should have

This is going to be a VERY opinion-heavy post. Before I say anything, I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not condemning the entirety of the New Phyrexia arc, nor am I saying that the people who wrote these stories meant for them to be taken this way. This is just a post getting into why the New Phyrexia arc rubbed me the wrong way again and again, and why it's... kind of ruined my love for Magic, if I'm completely honest.

Also, yes, I understand that New Phyrexia was meant to horrify and unsettle people - but I feel like it unsettled me in ways that they kind of weren't going for. I expect horror to unsettle me and show me some fucked up shit, for lack of a better terminology - but I also was expecting, in the fantasy/scifi horror shit, I'd get some stuff that didn't feel like it hit so close to home.

More under the cut.

First of all, it has always felt as if Magic can never quite decide if Phyrexians are people or monsters. This is worsened in New Phyrexia, where time and time again, we are given reason to think that New Phyrexians are people that are simply heavily indoctrinated from birth. Yes, the glistening oil works in strange ways, and they have somewhat of shared knowledge amongst their entire network, but by and large, you see time and time again, that Phyrexians have individuality. This seems intentional - you are shown from the start that Elesh Norn is an egomaniac, a fool, and that her plans of grandeur are insane. But her insanity shapes this world.

In that way, everyone in this world are... mostly actually victims of her insanity. Ixhel and Urabrask on New Capenna stand out as examples of times where Phyrexians show that they are not the heartless monsters they are made out to be. In Urabrask's first cards, he claims that he wishes the Mirrans to be left alone.

Yet, in ONE, we see time and time again that red Phyrexians and Mirrans are fighting still, Urabrask doesn't seem to be paying that much attention to the Phyrexians, and... frankly, I don't know what the Halo subplot was supposed to be about (forgive me, if this was addressed in passing, I only skimmed the latter half of MOM to see what big things happened, because i was so upset with it at that point I didn't really WANT to read it anymore). Yes, I have read the creators saying time and time again that just because Urabrask doesn't say outright he wants the multiverse compleated, it doesn't mean it's not what he wants, deep down. However... this still harks back onto one idea.

Sapient creatures being born evil.

This is a trope that I LOATHE in fantasy/scifi to my core. I understand that Phyrexians, for all intents and purposes, are created in a monstrous fashion. They are not created in a similar way to people. However, in the end, they still ACT LIKE PEOPLE. They have individuality, free will (yes, even if it is limited by the strict theocratic control of Norn, they still have it - how did Ixhel create, otherwise? How did Sheoldred rebel? Why did Nahiri snap at Nissa to show the skyclaves? Why did Tamiyo freeze upon seeing children?), and whether you like it or not, this makes them people. They are extremely different people, and yes, their existence does present conflict - but they. are. still. people.

I understand how it may feel offensive to real people to call the (rightful) fear and concern towards Phyrexians to be racism, as I feel like that waters down the term. However... again, knowing that Phyrexians are largely a cult that has been severely indoctrinated by Elesh Norn... it becomes difficult not to feel bad for them, and as if they have all been written off simply because they have a terrible leader. It comes across, to me, as another case of fantasy racism; similar to orcs being portrayed as idiot, warmongering beasts in some settings, or goblins being portrayed as stupid people little better respected than animals (and full of antisemitic stereotypes), just with less baggage attached.

It comes across as them having wanted to create a sapient race of people that was okay to bash and throw under the bus, so to speak. And yes, they gave plenty of reasons for why these people needed to go... but ultimately, it still feels like people went out of their way to create a civilization of people and show us justification for exterminating them.

I'm not trying to water down the term racism, but like... maybe I don't know the right words, but you understand why that might be uncomfortable, right?

Furthermore, at the start, I thought the transformative nature of Phyrexians was cool. Hot, even, as plenty others here on Tumblr think. Yes, I always sort of knew it was meant to be horrifying, too... but I also thought that the creators also were making them semi-alluring on purpose. (Look at Elesh Norn in promotional art. Look at her in the ONE trailer!! Look at the email they sent out for Arena on Valentine's Day, for god's sake!) But as time goes on... I start to get this uncomfortable feeling that this borderline sensual, sexual tension the Phyrexians produce is supposed to be PART of the horror.

And that's where things start getting uncomfortable for me. I am a transgender man. I don't know if I like sexualized, different people that transform themselves... being treated as horrible monsters that can't be coexisted with. I know plenty of trans people felt otherwise about Phyrexians; I understand this likely wasn't even the intention. BUT it still felt that way to me, for someone living in a country where trans people are getting more and more hunted on the daily.

Suddenly, it wasn't so fun anymore, to look at Elesh Norn and see her as heehoo sexy dommy mommy everyone joked at her being. It felt, to me at least, like she was a caricature of what I was. Of what people like me are. Monstrous. Out to destroy the world. Egomaniacs who want to force others down our same "lifestyle."

This is not helped by how Strixhaven, despite being an obvious play on Hogwarts & Harry Potter, came back into importance in MOM. They made a new Planeswalker from that plane, even! I loathe Strixhaven, and I was not at all pleased to learn that they have made it more important. The stories from the original Strixhaven set make me uncomfortable, too; Lukka arrives at a tavern and is asking for food, as he is not doing so well, and people comment on how he dresses strange, and when he (not rudely!) tells them they wouldn't know where he's from even if he told them, they react by SHOOTING FIREBALLS AT HIM.

These people saw a stranger. And decided the appropriate reaction was to shoot fireballs. (More on Lukka later, as I'm not done with him yet) but you understand how that might have also been deeply uncomfortable, right? Like yes, it did seem very intentional, to show how unkind the general populace of Arcavios can be... but there never seemed to be any point to that?? So it just came across as people hating a guy for dressing unconventionally for ""flavor"" to the very-obviously-based-on-TERF-school set. Which. WHY?

I also was not blind to how most of the compleated Planeswalkers were the nonhuman ones. Barring Lukka and Jace, every compleated Planeswalker was nonhuman, which I think... was done purposefully, because nonhumans are viewed as inherently more "monstrous" to our primal little monkey brains. (I don't think it was coincidence; there are PLENTY of human planeswalkers, to the point the majority could have easily not been human.) But this makes me uncomfortable too, because it feels like it, again, not only implies that Phyrexians are not people and are monsters (even though they had been given traits again and again that very firmly confirmed them as people), but that these nonhuman planeswalkers are inherently more monstrous, too.

Ajani - leonin. Tamiyo - moonfolk. Tibalt - (half) devil. Nissa - elf. Vraska - gorgon. Nahiri - kor.

And of the human Planeswalkers compleated, they chose Lukka and Jace. Jace, who has had a steep history of being viewed as less than human and little more than a tool (even sometimes by himself, as much as he hates it), and Lukka, who was also viewed as less than human by the society he came from, and was essentially labeled a sick dog to be shot on sight by his home city. (But more on him and why I particularly hate what was done with him later.)

And like... I'm not saying that corruption arcs or that transformation horror can't be done in a tasteful way!! It just started to feel like, as time went on, that this stuff was... malicious. I already was uncomfortable with how Phyrexians were seemingly being set up to be offed or taken out the picture completely (for there being no feasible way for them to coexist in the multiverse), so maybe I was looking for flaws, even where most wouldn't see them. But, I mean.. it just... Idk man. That part, too, gets under my skin.

And Lukka. LUKKA. I loathe what has been done to his character like none other. It is frequent fan interpretation that Lukka is stupid, Lukka deserves everything that has happened to him, and that it's a good thing he is gone. However, having read everything he has ever appeared in, I am so infuriated that even the creators THEMSELVES seemed to have bought into this idea.

For those that don't know, Lukka first appeared in Ikoria: Lair of Behemoths - Sundered Bond, a digital novella. He was born and raised in Drannith, a heavily militarized city, one of three so-called "sanctuaries" that have actually managed to stay around on Ikoria. Ikoria is a world of kaiju-esque mutated, crazy monster animals, and he was raised in propaganda by Drannith's military, the Coppercoats. He is 40+ years old when we meet him; he has served the Coppercoats for half of that, and then another 2 years or so as Captain of a Specials force team. You see, through him, that he's actually a very caring leader and a rather simple guy: he is betrothed to Jirina Kudro, the daughter of General Kudro, leader of the Coppercoats, and his concerns seem to only be getting his team back home in one piece and getting quality time with his wife. He's not perfect, he's rough around the edges, would probably be an asshole to hang out with in real life, but it FITS for the world he comes from.

And then, he accidentally bonds with a winged cat that slaughters 3/4 of his team in front of him, within minutes of each other. General Kudro has kept the bonding magic Lukka experienced a secret from Drannith populace. He believes it makes Lukka "sick." (Need I explain why a leader referring to a group of people as inherently 'sick' is bad??) Even Jirina, for as much as she apparently loves her father, so emphatically believes her father will kill Lukka for this that she helps him escape! the city!!!

To recap, Lukka has his entire world upended from beneath his feet in the course of like, a day. He becomes the public enemy of the city he has defended with his life for years. In his eyes, it is us (the humans of Ikoria) versus them (the monsters of the plane). This is how he has been raised and trained; he did not choose the bonding and is (rightfully!) upset and horrified at it (ONE was incorrect when it said he "always knew he was different;" lukka made no such acknowledgments in Sundered Bond, that was an invention of ONE). He later then meets Vivien, who tells him how her home plane was DESTROYED (um??? Vivien? Why would you tell a man whose life is going to shit about that??) which makes Lukka vow to himself that he will not lose his home.

Later in the story, Lukka learns of a presence in a particular crystal called the Ozolith, and he goes to it. There, for reasons that would take too long to explain, a three-way battle ensues, and an unknown Planeswalker reaches out to Lukka through the Ozolith. The Planeswalker shows Lukka one of the bonders he has met along the way getting killed by a skysail's bolt meant to kill monsters and it is only then that Lukka accepts the power of the Ozolith.

Anyway, saying all this to say... Lukka is a villain, yes. But contrary to popular belief, he is NOT stupid. He is just as smart as anyone would be in the situation he was put into, coming from the world he comes from. He wanted, again and again and again, nothing more than to just go home. He even tried to spin his bonding into a way that Drannith could defend itself, by telling Kudro they should use monsters instead of peoples' lives (but Kudro wasn't hearing it; and the kicker? Drannith would go on to use bonders & monsters to protect the city anyway, after Lukka had been run off the world).

Lukka had a SHIT deck of cards handed to him in Ikoria, and he - REASONABLY - lashed out. It was just that when he lashed out, he had the power of a Planeswalker manipulating him, whispering in his ear, and the power to actually make people listen. He believed his choices were come home and die like a good soldier, or force them to let him come home. Maybe other people fault him for that, but I don't fault him for choosing to live, even if doing so caused much violence and bloodshed.

But yes, he was still a villain, and in Strixhaven, he was relegated to villain again, when people once again presume him to be an Oriq - which he doesn't even know what that is - and finally, he simply decides that if everyone keeps calling him one, he might as well be one. This comes after nearly starving to death and having his new bond, Mila, save his life. Had someone from Strixhaven maybe, I don't know, taken pity on this very clearly struggling guy.... I don't know! I feel like his role in Strixhaven really never would have happened. THE GUY LITERALLY JUST WANTED FOOD AND WATER. I cannot emphasize that enough

Anyway, saying this all to say, Lukka's arc felt like it was headed toward a redemption of some kind. He had been given a raw deal, reacted very humanly but very poorly, and now, the only way he had to go was up.

Instead, we got Vivien shooting him dead. Calling him "lukka-thing." We got Vivien saying nothing as she faces down the man she called a friend and seemingly felt bad for by the end of Sundered Bond and killing him.

As someone from a country that is VERY obviously careening toward more VERY conservative bullshit... THAT PLOT DID NOT SIT WELL WITH ME. It felt VERY MUCH like I was being told "if you are born into shit circumstances or bad things are done to you, and you don't sit there and take it, you will be punished for not simply taking it. And that punishment may very well be death."

I especially did not care for how Jirina seemed to be veering into her father's mindset in the story in MOM. And yes, she was called out for this, but the story also seemed to be trying to lean into this "survival, no matter the cost" vibe, which seemed like it was subtly justifying what she did, since it DID technically work in the end. Vivien's emo ass "but survival is the only law out here now" or w/e it was she said to herself as she killed Lukka definitely didn't help that feeling, either.

It upset me very much to see a character born into a shitty society, given raw deal after raw deal, and then be told that he deserved to die instead of get help. Or worse, that dying WAS getting help. It was "putting him out of his misery." He was "irreversibly changed," and "didn't know better anymore," he "couldn't be helped." That, combined with how compleation started to feel like a very negative allegory for transgender people after a point to me (see near the beginning of this), made Lukka's death feel like rapidfire punch after rapidfire punch to the gut.

AND NOT IN THE WAY THAT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN! I would have loved to see Vivien upset that she can't get to apologize. I would have loved to see Vivien agonizing over the decision to kill him. I would have loved her maybe showing some more REMORSE over having to do it, even if she did feel it was the only way forward. We have seen that New Phyrexians, especially compleated Planeswalkers, are still themselves, even while compleated, so the fact Lukka had nothing to say to her either felt hollow, too. He thought she was his friend and she turned on him; why didn't he have anything to say about that?

Urabrask being pulled apart at the limbs, then, felt like the final message to me: New Phyrexians are not people, they are monsters, end of discussion. They are not making it out of this. Stop asking/talking about it.

Suffice to say, by the time I got to the story of Elspeth becoming an archangel, everything felt hollow and gross for me. I've seen the promo art of Aftermath showing Nahiri and Nissa at least recovered; I get the feeling most of them, bar Tamiyo, Tibalt, and Lukka, probably have recovered or will recover.

But, frankly, I don't think I'm very invested anymore. New Phyrexia felt like it crossed a lot of lines, and not in the way that I would have appreciated horror to do so. It hit on a lot of sensitive subjects that made it rather difficult to enjoy as mere entertainment. Maybe I am just oversensitive, due to the day and age I am living in, due to the fact I am deeply unhappy with the fact I am forced to live closeted irl and feel hypervigilant of all slights, but it felt very gross to me.

Lukka's death in particular just... sealed the deal for me. I know he wasn't a big deal. Maybe he was always intended to just be a villain that gets killed off. But it's not even necessarily about him, in particular, it was about what his death represented. It was about how he was a product of propaganda and hatred, and how he was never given a chance to be better. it's about how I was told that death was the only way forward for him.

Maybe when I was 12 I would have liked that, but I'm over my obsession with the 'death is the only salvation.' SO MUCH MEDIA uses this trope, and frankly, I'm fucking sick of it.

I want to see people, even some of the most depraved fucking people you can imagine, getting better. I want to see that people can change and recognize the error in their ways. I'm tired of being told to look and see "us vs. them."

I'm not saying that you can't have conflict. But I am saying that if you're going to have conflict of this scale, I would prefer it to be solved in ways that don't essentially boil down to "kill/put away the Them."

Because that fucking blows.

If you've made it this far, I am grateful, but again, please keep in mind that this is the ramblings of a deeply mentally unwell ADHD-addled 22 year old (who is not on and cannot get Adderall right now). Emotional dysregulation IS a big problem I deal with, and the world I live in right now fucking sucks. If you're reading this going "oh my godd, let people enjoy things, you crybaby" then please just... move on? Because I'm not trying to tell people not to enjoy it, quite the contrary I WISH these things didn't bother me so much because I JUST got into Magic, and I would love to keep enjoying it! And Im happy for you if you have tolerance/could enjoy it through these things!

I'm just... sad. I'm very, very disappointed in this story. It was pretty, it was flashy, people clearly put in effort, but it felt like a low blow, all things considered, and worse, it touches literally all aspects of canon and cannot be safely disregarded. Much like War of the Spark, it affects almost everything, and will for a while yet.

[monstersflashlight]

Commission for Shylia

Request: Orc x female human that were childhood best friends and grew up together. Maybe they realize feelings getting jealous of the other going on dates?

A/N: Thank you so much for commissioning. <3 This is mainly plot but gets a bit rowdy towards the end, enjoy!

Out of jealousy

Orc x fem!reader || teasing, heavy petting, fingering, public sex (not caught)

You went on a date with a supposedly nice guy and had a good enough time, your brain supplying you a thousand other ideas that would be more fun that the dude’s boring job in the football league. But even then, when you entered your neighborhood, he leaned over the console to give you a half hug in goodbye and you accepted, already planning on deleting his number and telling him you didn’t want a second date. You knew you were being rude, and probably a bit unfair, he wasn’t the one to blame for your emotional unavailability. That was on you, and on your fucking stubborn orc best friend.

The same orc best friend who opened the door of the car you were in with a growl. “Get out,” he grunted. You weren’t sure if he was saying it to you or to your human date.

“What are you doing?” You asked him, confused by his antics. He was glaring at your date like he personally offended him, and you were starting to get angry. Who the fuck did he think he was? Why was he so mad? You dropped a thousand hints for him to ask you out, and he didn’t act on it.

He turned to you with a soft smile framed by his adorned tusks. Fuck, you hated when he smiled at you (but not really, you loved his smile). “I’m not talking to you, sweet-cheeks. I’m talking to that asshole who was about to touch you.” If words had colors, his would be green with jealousy.

“What are you doing?” You asked again, getting out of the car and in front of him, a finger pressed to his chest accusatory.

“You deserve better than him. He’s a piece of shit.” He was fed up, his breathing hard. And then he added: “He’s not even a monster, and I know how much you like monsters.” You gaped, completely taken aback by his words.

“Wha- what?” You stuttered, your heart beating fast. You thought he didn’t know you had a thing for monsters, you thought he didn’t know you had a thing for him.

He smirked, a hint of amusement in his eyes as he looked down at you. Ugh, you hated (secretly loved) how tall he was. “I’ve been in your room, remember? I’ve seen all those monster romances on your shelf.”

“Excuse me, but who the fuck are you?” The dude who you were with asked in the middle of your embarrassment. He was still inside the car but had half his body out.

The orc in front of you remembered then that you were with somebody and his face dropped, you would be scared if you didn’t know he was such a sweetheart. “I’m his fucking mate, and you need to flee. NOW.” Your world stopped.

“Mate?” You choke out. “What do you mean mate?” Your tone is increasingly angry.

You knew what mates were. You’d been living next to his family since you were little. You were there when his brother came back and said he met his girlfriend at the gym. You were there. “Mates” was a big as fuck word for an orc to say, and if what you think was true, if what he said was true… Then he was going to get his ass kicked by a very angry human in about five seconds.

“Leave,” you ordered your date.

Your tone must be angry enough that he didn’t even ask, he just turned the car on and drove away. In other circumstances, you would have laughed at the stupidity of the situation. But right there, your rage was burning high as you glared daggers at the orc in front of you, your best friend, your oldest friend. He was looking at the ground, unable to meet your eyes.

You weren’t sure you could deal with that right now, not with how much anger was inside of you. So you turned on your feet and walked to your house, just a dozen meters away.

“Where are you going?” He asked, his tone soft and calming.

You turned to look at him, anger and pain mixing in a bitter tone: “Away from you.”

“Did I- Do you…?” He tried to ask, you weren’t sure what he was about to say but his nervous stutter only made you angrier, making you stop in your tracks and step into his personal space, looking up at him defiantly.

“Since when did you know?” You asked. You knew the answer, but you needed him to verbalize it, you needed him to accept that he knew since you two met. That he had been waiting for you (without any reason) for years.

He tried to play confused: “What?” You raised an eyebrow, daring him to lie. “Since we moved in,” he confessed.

You stared at him, looking miserable in front of you, and all the anger inside of you bleed out, only a spark of hope and pain left inside of you. “Now explain why you didn’t say anything before.” He gaped at you, his mouth opening and closing a few times, trying to talk but not finding the words. In other circumstances you would have taken pity on him, but not now. “I’m waiting.”

He sighed, defeated. “You said you wanted to explore and experience the world and I didn’t know if you…”

And then you understood. “You didn’t know if I wanted to do that with you?” He nodded and you almost laughed at his stupidity. You got on your tiptoes and grabbed his face, pulling him down until his face is at eye level with yours. “You are so fucking stupid I want to hit your pretty face until you are more red than green,” you told him. “I’m in love with you, you stupid maroon!” You finally confessed, staring at his eyes when you did.

“What?” He looked flabbergasted, and you couldn’t contain a giggle.

“In love. With a stupid orc,” you repeated slowly.

You didn’t get time to react before he was on you. He was so fast you couldn’t even scream as he grabbed you and hauled you up to devour your mouth in one eager kiss. You moaned around his lips, his tusks framing your mouth in the most amazing way as you lost yourself in the pleasure of having him against you… finally.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long, you drive me insane,” he mumbled against your mouth.

“Good. I hope you suffered as much as I did just because you are stupid,” you said hitting his arm without force as you claimed his mouth in another frantic kiss.

“You are the one to talk…” He retorted as he kissed you with such passion you felt your pussy tingle.

He walked with you attached to him like a koala until your back was pressed against the side of your house, where the darkness made it impossible to see from the street. Or at least you hoped so, because the movements made your dress roll up and his clothed dick found the space between your thighs, where you were painfully wet already.

You both started panting, your kisses messy and heavy as you ground against the other. It was exhilarating in the best way possible. You felt like a teenager again, even though that was so long ago you barely remembered, but having him against you and his big body rubbing against all your right places, you were losing your mind in need.

“Let me make you feel good,” he whispered against your lips and you moaned in response. “Goddess, you sound so good, it’s driving me insane.”

You couldn’t hold back your teasing even if you tried: “I bet I’ll sound better when I scream your name.”

You felt his knees almost give out under him. “Ugh-ngh, you can say shit like that when I’m holding you up, I might drop you when all my blood rushes south,” he reprimanded as you giggled. You were about to retort like the little shit you were when his hand slipped under your panties and found your aching clit. Your voice broke in a moan as you threw your head back in pleasure, your hips moving faster against his hand. “Just like that, good little mate, taking your pleasure off my fingers. Are you going to come? Are you going to be a perfect mate and come against my fingers?” His words were making you frantic with your movements.

You could feel the pressure building in your lower abdomen as he kept rubbing your clit, one of his fingers finding your hole and playing with you. Your brain short-circuited as he bite the side of your neck, making you scream his name and exploding messily in his arms.

You were so wrapped in your pleasure you almost didn’t hear him when he made a choked sound and thrust up against your drenched pussy, his hips moving uncontrollably. “Did you just come in your pants?” You asked, amused, as he panted against your neck, his tusks making you shiver at the contact.

“Shut up,” he said without any force behind it. “I just touched my mate’s pussy for the first time, I’m allowed to come in my pants.”

Your amusement died with his words, your heart feeling so full it could explode. “Tell me you love me,” you whispered.

“Love is a weak word compared to what I feel for you, my mate,” he told you, looking at you like you held the moon. You melted, your body languid against the wall, caged by his arms.

“I love you too, my mate,” you let out in a breath, kissing his cheek sweetly. At the words he grunted, and you could feel his dick twitching where it rests against your pussy.

Well, maybe going out on a date to make him jealous wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Reminder that you can commission me (info here) and you can also suscribe to my Patreon "monster fucker" tier to get a commission (info here).

[utilitycaster]

Hi! Hope you don’t mind me asking but, I’ve seen you comment about a “fjord moon” theory every so often in your tags, and I’m quite curious what’s it about? I don’t think I’ve ever heard about it, is it something more prevalent in twitter spaces?

It started in Reddit spaces but it had a moment within the fandom at large during Campaign 2, especially after a YouTube video surfaced shortly after the campaign had come back from hiatus in August 2020. It hasn't come up lately since Campaign 3's plot pretty thoroughly debunked it, which wasn't necessary for reasons I will cover below.

I talked about how stupid it was at the time, and will do so again but I don't feel like looking back through my archives to find that post, so: the idea was that Fjord was from Ruidus. I call it a theory because its creators called it a theory but it was really just a lot of incoherent yelling that unfortunately happened to fall into the hands of a prolific and popular but talentless video maker and was boosted by a prolific and popular but deeply stupid figure on CR Twitter.

You can read it here but in short he basis was that Fjord was actually a Spelljammer Space Orc (Scro; yes this is just Orcs backwards; Spelljammer is not exactly the most brilliant of concepts) because he was intelligent and walked upright, ignoring that Spelljammer was, at the time, from D&D 2e only which can generously be described as "wicked racist in the depiction of orcs". Not that 5e is not without its foibles, but it had largely 86-ed the worst of the racism that pervaded earlier orc depictions. Also Garthok pre-dated Fjord and was a half-orc with the same intelligence, but what are facts to an idiot. So anyway this guy working off a deeply racist older concept for orcs spun this into a wild conspiracy theory involving the fact that Travis likes Dragonball Z; something about the film Spaceballs (as far as I know Travis has said absolutely nothing about this, this is just that the Mel Brooks Star Wars parody and my personal childhood favorite Spaceballs exists I think?) and various other random pulls from science fiction media. This guy asked a question at a panel and mistook the cast looking at him like he had lost the plot as a sign he was onto something. Somehow, people listened to him.

Here's the thing about theorycraft. It is more important, in writing a theory, that you base it on evidence than that you get it correct. Any dipshit can guess and any lucky dipshit can guess correctly, but if you show that you can't structure an argument for beans, anyone who can structure an argument for beans will rightfully look at you and say "well, they predicted something once, but that's a fucking fluke because they're a fucking joke." Theories should explain something that needs explanation (Fjord having an INT of 14 and the name Fjord and being an orphan does not). They should not solely rest on things the cast likes or things that merely exist in-world and certainly not from Spaceballs and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the connection of which to Critical Role in that Reddit post is not explained, ever.

To give some examples of good, mediocre, and bad but at least not nearly that bad theorycraft: the theory that Ashton was a meteor that was around early in C3 is in my mind not very good, but at least it fits within Exandria canon and explained something about Ashton needing explanation at the time. The theory that The Emissary is the source of the stasis bubbles is in my mind a very good one explaining several key mysteries (source of stasis bubbles; why Erathis sent him rather than coming himself). The theory that Bor'Dor was a dog was fucking stupid and made no sense nor did it explain anything that needed explanation (and also wildly misjudged how border collies behave) but did at least not say "also, the TV show Lassie...exists in our reality, and this is evidence" The Fjord Moon Theory is maybe the stupidest and worst CR theory I've seen in my entire life, and it's up there for fandom theories over all. I get that it was August 2020 and I don't begrudge people who were very bored and scared from joking about it while not taking it seriously, but I do begrudge those who did take it seriously because like, come on.

Anyway, I bring it up in tags sometimes because many of the worst C3 takes on Twitter that make it to me via "can you fucking believe this" screenshots in the groupchat are either started or propagated by Former Moon Theory People.

[ann-atar]

Was watching parts of season 1 and now can clearly see Sauron's mind at work when he meets Galadriel and the Numenorians:

Meets Galadriel and they're fighting for resources on the raft, and since she's stronger than the others he puts her in the temporary ally category (much like that poor old soul he took the heraldry from despite that man's kindness)

They get to Numenor and he tries telling her to fuck off because he wants to reinvent himself, which works for about five minutes because

... surprise, surprise, he can't reinvent himself (join the Smith's guild)!

It's Deceiving Time! Manipulates Galadriel's need to find a cause, in this case saving the Southlands and returning them their king

And during the Southlands episodes you can see his shitty little smirk when he sees how readily Galadriel and the Numenorians buy into that cause.

Does he give an actual crap about Galadriel, the Numenorians, or the Southlanders? No, but he sees a concentration of orc (Uruk!) power and that *does* intrigue him

Further manipulates Galadriel by faking a more human connection with her, why? Because despite her trauma-informed response to the idea that she can save the Southlands through him she's very smart, and Sauron's not stupid either and knows that at some point she will smell a rat

Meets Celebrimbor and hears about the elves' potential project. And now in those early scenes I think we do see some of the best of what [good] Sauron might be capable of because he is genuinely excited about making something new, unique, and powerful. Creation does thrill him, which is why he went in so hard for the smiths' guild in Numenor. If there is any light left in him we get to see it during those early days at the forge in Eregion, but ...

Galadriel is smart as hell and she finds out the truth, and Sauron tries to murder her in cold blood, then cuts and runs.

When I watched the "reveal" scene with Galadriel I was even more infuriated than I was the first time because he does everything he can to put an illusion in her mind and deceive her in that scene, and why? Not because he actually thought she would join him, no: he wants to pull her into a dream not to win her over, but because it would make her easier to kill. Easier to dump in the river like trash, so he could get away.

And he feels nothing about that except momentary irritation, and maybe a little thrill at Galadriel's horror when he impersonates her brother. It's almost too creepy.

I have to say that I was unprepared for how hard that hit during the rewatch even though in retrospect it was obvious that any bond they had -- or would have had if Sauron was anyone but Sauron -- was carried entirely by Galadriel.

Like, Sauron put hardly any work in, was just smirking on the sidelines while she elevated him into the position of Lost King of the Southlands.

Any then? Oh well, Sauron's little game is over, time to go! If Elrond hadn't saved her she would have been cold and dead.

All this to say: they really set everything up so well because when you go back to those early episodes his otherworldly coldness is right there. And so is Galadriel's pain; she was an easy mark, was low-hanging fruit for Sauron and it sucks, but also makes one really appreciate these actors.

And now in season 2 you can see those moments of disgust and self-loathing where Galadriel must be thinking: why didn't I see it, when the truth was right there?

I hope next season's Galadriel can forgive herself because this season has been rough.