#think of this as a very late attack
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Hey @sayijo ...
Your surprise is here. :)
#she is so fun to draw#I've actually been planning this since before june#but i didn't get around to sketching it until august and I've been procrastinating until now haha#figuring out a good outfit was really really hard and eventually i mostly just had to make it from scratch so i hope it looks alright#think of this as a very late attack#helen borg#oc: helen#oc: helen borg#ninjago#ninjago oc#oc#original character#others ocs#not my oc#art#artists on tumblr#i am the person from those asks in case you're still unsure hehehe#clp art#i promise I'm not usually lazy with hands I was just so tired when I got to that part of the lineart
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so like is it specifically planets the solver craves or can it get by with just eating dirt off the ground
#thank you those people in that one server i havent been there long enough to remember names#for bringing up the idea#is very funny#god i have genuinely no idea what to do for n's dialogue boxes. cannot think of a gimmick whatsoever#suprise attack by the artstyle change. i am imploding right now#cannot settle on any style whatsoever. genuinely changing by the hour#so strangely proud of ns hand in this one i dont know what it is about it but i really like it#hats still pisses me off though. why so difficult to draw#murder drones#art#murder drones uzi#murder drones n#serial designation n#murder drones cyn#or its#murder drones absolutesolver#who knows at this point#murder drones skig#still fighting tooth and nail for the tail to be named skig. it fits so well#iz go attack glitch headquarters for me#i think its late enough i can keep this unspoilered
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my stardew farmer ^_^ he doesnt have a green thumb for shit so he keeps animals and does mining
some tidbits i came up with while playing hehe
reclusive and doesnt really go out of his way to talk or visit people unless its an errand. but he also doesnt try to befriend others to get something out of it, so he has a very easygoing approach to making friends. on good terms with linus and sebastian since he runs into them most often.
if he respects or takes a liking to someone, he'll greet them with miss/mister (name). if you get close to him he starts using first name basis. if he doesn't like you, he'll refer to you by your title without using your name. only a few people have caught on to this.
the farm he inherited, Milky Way Farm, was the site of a meteorite crash and sometimes you can find shards of meteor debris littered around the farm (i picked the hilltop farm bc of this lol)
lost his sweater and pants a long ass time ago and doesnt have the time to look for them, so hes been working in his sleep clothes ever since
isnt actually grandpa's real heir to the farm... ;)
#sorry i havent been getting around to artfight attacks or art of anything lately bc my pen :) decided now would be the perfect#time to fucking bail on me :))) its gen 1 apple pen too so the fucker is discontinued hate and death on plsnet earth#like it TECHNICALLY works but only if i pair and re-pair it with the ipad until it senses it and that can be up to 38 tries#even then itll suddenly stop working if i take it off the ipad for more than 10 fucking seconds so i am not having a good time. this is the#second pen that this has happened to and i dont think its my ipad or software jesus christ. whatever. ill pretend not to care so it#fixes itself faster#ANYWAY COSMO!! YEAH. STARDEW IS STUPIDLY ADDICTING. i got it during the sale but im playing it on ios rn since i#dont have steam on my pc rn. i started a new save after the first one fizzled out and i think im doing way better this time yay#its a special kind of stress when u need to be in bed and its 1:50AM but the cat is in the fucking way#i wanna make more stuff with this guy i have a lot of stuff i wanna draw for him. i have a little backstory for him in mind#ill probably make a separate post to explain it but its a very long series of misunderstandings and ouran haruhi gender fuckery#my art#myart#my oc#oc#stardew farmer#sdv farmer#sdv#stardew valley#doodles#stardew
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day 1 fav oc: i can't separate them it's not fair....they drive me to madness a little bit which is great cause i can understand them better. featuring some old stuff and some new stuff i'm workin on
#my art#oc#mika#heidi#oc-tober#bweirdoctober#look what i found! my stinky girls! ooooo it's a horrible girls (crawling darkly) (screaming) (twisting) (convulsing) (attack regardless of#already a day late it's the 2nd of october in my time zone#i remember mockley got this spot last year and wow would you believe it...these two get it this year#can't remember if i've said this or not but i've had a breakthrough with drawing people where it's started to be fun#even if i still lack the skills to do it well#good LIRD it took a while to get there....i've always liked life drawing but translating that to just regular ol drawing#was NOT easy#anyway thank u to my ocs i.e these two for getting me there. MUAH#genuine genuine brainrot. in august there were days where i physically couldn't stop thinking about them#to be fair august was not so good. and this was probably a symptom of my brain finding ways to cope. but nevertheless#helped me nail down some of their story beats and world building at the very very least
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the black suits possibly the most autistic band ever. except for john he just has adhd. but everyone else. im shooting them with my autism beam. nato and chris especially
#nato is definitely autistic but chris is so very autistic to me#to me his spinterest is rock music#also when john was late and he got really upset?? AUTISM.#also his bitchfits (as john called them) are confirmed to be anxiety attacks#but i definitely identify with them when i (autistic) have meltdowns#especially the scene after john was late to practice where everyone was talking over each other and it got really loud..#very autistic to me he got overstimulated#also the way he moves.... in the rock n roll band recording that we have i think he literally flaps his hands#idk hes just autistic to me#oh my GOD im rambling#brandon i dont have as many thoughts about sorry brandon#but he is autistic#brandon music spinterest real!!#if anyone has any thoughts about brandon being autistic PLEASE talk to me about it#anyway#the black suits
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Soulmates AU in which your soul is bounded to your soulmate's soul.
What does that mean exactly? That when you die, if your soulmate is still alive you can't move on. Instead your soul is stuck by your soulmate's side until they die too, so the two souls can become one in death. Depending on how strong the bond between the two is, one could see (and even interact!) with their deceased soulmate.
Now this but, you know by now, JeanMarco. With Marco waking up and the first thing he saw was Jean's terrified face while looking at the dead body- Marco's half eaten dead body. He learns it pretty quickly that he can't leave Jean's side, bound to follow his best friend around. He also learns that is possible for Jean to see and hear him during the ceremony of burning the fallen soldiers during Trost ; it lasted so little, too little for all the things Marco wanted to say. If he knew Jean was listening from the beginning, he would've started with exposing Reiner and Berthold right away. By the time he took notice that not only Jean was looking at him, but listening too, it was too late. Every other word from him was meet with silence, unheard by the living.
Isn't until the 57th expedition outside the walls that Marco learns that he can interact with Jean too, touch him. In his panic after Jean's failed attack on the Female Titan Marco didn't think and went straight to his best friend's side, touching his shoulder while looking for any injuries. Jean's eyes went straight to the place Marco's was touching, looking confused- until he followed the arm and saw Marco in front of his very own eyes. And just like everything, it lasted too little for Marco's liking. The Female Titan took hold of Reiner, crushing him in her hand, and Jean could no longer see him.
It was later, much much later than either of them would've liked, for Marco to understand how everything works. To know that he could only interact with Jean when his mind was filled with thoughts of Marco. By then Jean already began to move on, the secret of Reiner and Berthold's true selves already out. So Marco could only watch, unable to be there for his other half- for Jean.
And it was when they saw the ocean for the first time that Marco understood why he was truly stuck by Jean's side. When he saw his best friend having fun with the others and realized just how much he loves him. When he realizes that all he truly wants is to be by Jean's side, the way they promised each other to do during their training days.
Edit : Think of Ben and Klaus Hargreeves for easier visual.
#Jean starting to think of Marco less and less until he becomes a mere memory in the back of his head#While Marco keeps thinking of Jean more and more hoping for at least one more second together#Marco telling Jean to calm down while he's attacking Annie in her crystal and that being the only reason he even stopped :)#Them having so many small moments but Jean thinking he lost his fucking mind#Sometimes Marco's voice would tell Jean to dodge or something and Jean would hesitate one second- just for it to be the right call#Marco yelling 'Jean! Look out!' when Gabi gets inside the airship and Jean looks towards the entrance but is too late-#Gabi already shoot Sasha by then#Marco feeling SO GUILTY over it because he couldn't warm them sooner#But also Marco and Sasha chilling together because Sasha couldn't leave Connie's side either#And her describing to him all the food Niccolo has cooked for her! The taste and the different textures and the bright colors!#'Of course I love Connie! He's my other half my twin! You must love Jean very much too to be stuck by his side all this time!'#'Of course I do. He's my other half too. My everything' and that's when they realize that their situation isn't the same#That Marco's love for Jean wasn't the same as Sasha's love for Connie#anyway#aot#jean kirstein#jeanmarco#aot jean#marco bodt#marco bott#snk#aot marco#jean kirschstein#soulmate au#JeanMarco Soulmate AU#I mean it can be platonic if you truly want. But I don't want to so there's that lol#Hesitate no second*
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anyways. my very first attempt at malenia
#elden ring#my post#this starts late (?) bc i didnt want to get the cutscene in the clip but fumbled to start the recording bc she does kinda rush you#and i was not at all prepared#anyways im genuinely tempted to just write a long post dumping my thoughts on malenia and her fight and how im puzzling through it#ive reached peak intrinsic motivation elden ring#the only reason why i probably should wait to make the post is bc ive only gotten as far as first phase half health#i have another recording thats abt a minute and a half long attempt and i gave it a few tries today#its worth mentioning that the night before i decided to finally start fighting malenia i told my friend (who managed to beat her) that bc#a lot of the last few endgame bosses didnt take me too long to beat i was worried that malenia wouldnt take me very long#and he just told me she would throw me into a meat grinder. and i lasted 12 seconds against her after that intro cutscene#anyways the fact that she's a very straightforward and easy to see boss makes it very easy to break her down and figure out how she#works n why she's hard and figure out a plan and everything i really like it. no particle effects just some sparks and sword trail lines#i keep getting caught by her flurry attack n today my plan (while talking to my friend) was to figure out why i kept getting caught by#it despite it being very obviously telegraphed n then putting together why i struggle with it. its REALLY fun to think technically abt her#anyways. fun part abt me getting killed by the grab + impale is that i honestly wasnt sure if that was actually implemented in the game#bc id never seen it in gameplay and. here we go. ten seconds in there it is
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Finally got around to watching ep 11 (´;ω;`)
#I'm late...#I'm sorry I wasn't able to watch the episode by time last week but again. Food poisoning. And then the new chapter came out#I feel like I had much more to say when I started watching it last week...#Mmmmhh. I really like when bsd animation uses the colored lineart effect for flashbacks / subspaces (Anne's Room‚ Poe's books).#I think it's one of the prettiest and most original things of the bsd animation.#I've always felt like the Natsume reveal was a bit coming out of nowhere lol.#Here's this legendary ability user everyone knows but no one has ever seen with this immensely unthinkable powerful ability...#That the reader literally wasn't ever made aware of in the previous 49 chapters lol#After all that build up‚ his ability even feels a little underwhelming.#Which I suppose was the intended result‚ but I'm not sure it really works all that well in the end.#Then Naomi's words “Come to think of it‚ the things that happen when Mii-chan vanishes [...]‚ disasters are stopped every time”#really feel soooo out of place when so-called Mii-chan was never before mentioned up to this episode (╥﹏╥)#But I'll stop complaining. It's nothing big really#Fukuzawa and Mori's relationship is very homoerotic. Tbh#I looooove the ss/kk I don't even have much to say just watching scenes of them interacting together fills my heart of a warm feeling :')#The animation quality is very poor and the drawings are very undetailed but really I love ss/kk too much to care.#A lot of emphasis is put by the fandom on Atsushi's cruel remark towards Akutagawa in this ch/ep and it *is* cruel but really...#Akutagawa had literally just attacked Atsushi in a death-threatening way‚ futilely and completely unprompted#I can't find it in myself to blame Atsushi if he was irritated and lashed out at him.#And all their other moments are just so cute. What do you mean Akutagawa is deeply interested in understanding Atsushi's motivations.#What do you mean Atsushi can't get Akutagawa out of his mind!!!! They're so cute#So many more cute moments were cut out too rip lawnmower line you'll always be missed rip date line you'll always be missed#I feel like Pushkin's character is another instance of‚‚‚ Wow me and the author's morals really don't align at all#I really don't like the narrative of “weaker people will constantly try to harm and take advantage of strongest ones”#random rambles#Fun fact when I watched this episode for the first time I asked my mother to join me. Because I know a ss/kk scene was coming and I really–#didn't want to watch it alone. Well as it turned out the whole first half of the episode was dedicated to old man fighting–#and she gave up after that 😂😂 But I'm still grateful to her for trying.
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Finally finished Attack on Titan. My God. Just. Wow.
#I started it when it first came out then was very odd and on#I eventually watched like 3 seasons in and never watched the last season or the long finale eps#I started getting my brother more into anime over the last like 2 years or so#he discovered AOT and finished it a while ago now and has been pushing for me to finish it too for like probably over a year at least#I’ve always been reluctant cause it’s such a heavy show and I had to be in the mood#finally the stars aligned tonight and we watched the final finale ep.#I cried several times.#it was perfect#it was painful and perfect#my fucking heart#hard to believe I finally finished it after over a decade from when I started it#and now I have lots of convos about it with my brother to look forward to#we’ve already discussed plenty tonight. but it’s getting late and idk if my brain’s even fully processed it all#attack on titan#top tier in my books#I don’t think I could ever do justice to the show trying to explain what was so good about it#gotta appreciate the little things. need to take the time to look at where I am rather than just where I want to reach.#peace and freedom are always worth reaching for even if war and suffering are inevitable to life. cherish the lives around you.#those are my takeaways from the series. those are the messages I received. and what a tragic and beautiful journey it was.
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So getting to see a Chantry in [redacted] in Veilguard has confirmed that they can have basements and other storage rooms, etc., that people don't frequent, and therefore, confirms my headcanon of how Meredith has definitely had her illicit hook ups with various women of the Chantry over the years in those rooms, away from prying eyes.
Meredith has lived nearly her entire life in The Gallows. When she was a Knight-Templar, she was limited in how often she could leave her post (and even then, only really had the free opportunity to go to the Chantry daily for prayer), so her only outlet was to seek out connections among Chantry Sisters (or as she got older, a Chantry Mother or two) over the years. When she became Knight-Captain, she had more power and ability to maintain some casual relationships here and there but always in secret. While not doing this as often after becoming Knight-Commander (and therefore, having much more power to do as she pleases), she still has a few 'old flames' who she may meet up with now and again, even as her life is devoted to the Order; her hypersexuality and behaviour of seeking sex as a replacement for social interaction outside of work demands it (Though that isn't to say she can't develop intimate relationships outside of this arrangement, but it's rare and must remain just as private as the late night trysts do).
I've talked about this before, but marriage among Templars is rare, and requires special permission (provided that the aforementioned non-templar partner is able to sustain themselves, should the templar be relocated to a new post elsewhere). Marriage in Thedas for the most part is seen as a means of procreation rather than love necessarily, and so for a templar to marry in a same-sex partnership would be a rarity, and one Meredith could never see herself pursuing. Pair this fear of ostracization with her hypersexuality as mentioned above, this form of religious repression is quite prominent for Meredith.
That said, her high level of sexual desire and sex drive has enabled this sex-seeking behaviour over the years, and the Chantry certainly serves not only as just a place of worship, but as a place to allow herself sexual freedom (with obvious limitations).
** In the cases with people of their own influence/power of their own accord (e.g., with @sanctamater 's Lady Amelia Comstock, or @thesxmmersword 's Ser Cauthrien), who have homes outside of the Gallows or Chantry have allowed for relationships to develop behind closed doors, though those must remain private and kept out of the spotlight as Meredith's duty to the Order will always come first, even at the detriment of those longer-term relationships / feelings of love.
#HEADCANON.#[ Anyway I know I always talk a LOT about Meredith and her personal life/sex life but ]#[ the Chantry thing got confirmed and here we are.]#[ Also you cannot tell me that there aren't any sapphic chantry women at all... it's often giving lesbian nun tbh ]#[ Also Mere is a Freak™ but she can't exactly sneak someone up to her personal quarters late at night without raising suspicion ]#[ Claire and I have talked about how post-Qunari attack in Act 2 means a struggle for their relationship ]#[ because Amelia needs more from Mere and she simply can't given it bc her duty will always come first ]#[ pair that with her growing insanity at the start of act 3 and they're basically divorced w/o being divorced ]#[ like i just think it's very Interesting how in AUs one big thing she wants to have in her life is a long term relationship#without being attached to the Order/Chantry ]#[ like this woman is so fucking repressed and paranoid and traumatized and doesn't get to be a PERSON in her canon lifetime!!!! ]
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"Can I do an insight check on the honey? Is it bad?"
"If we get the bees on our side, we'll be unstoppable. They're everywhere."
#this whole scene was just. so much.#fabian has a new nenemis and it is the girl who runs the aviary club because he insulted her honey#and she fucking ATTACKED HIM#and every single member of the party immediately pulled out all the stops to either give her advantage or give fabian disadvantage#i think that was the first time gorgug ever used that spell#dimension 20#APIARY#IT'S THE APIARY CLUB#on my defense they met the head of the aviation club earlier#and it's very late
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im so scared. i'm so so so fucking scared.
#i havent been super active lately but im having very intense anxiety attacks about last night and i think the best course of action for me#rn is not engaging with anything political until i can calm down#so im signing off for awhile until the dust settles a bit#im trying to tell myself i have enough privilege that im gonna be ok because i feel like selfishness is the only thing thats gonna get me#thru this since i genuinely cannot save the lives of every gazan trans person pregnant woman latino immigrant etc#but unfortunately unlike the rest of this country i was born with care about other people disorder#im also trying to tell myself that social progress always prevails because it does in fact always do#so even if it takes lots of dirty work and it wont happen in my lifetime it will one day come thru#so yeah those are my thoughts.... see ya'll a bit later
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He lives in Amity Park. Just one of seventy thousand people making a living under the shield.
He makes a modest salary working at a garage. There's a handful of cars per day, coming in for oil changes or tune-ups, and the work is divided between him and two coworkers.
He considers himself to be pretty average. One face lost within a sea of thousands. Unnoticed and unmemorable.
He doesn't mind. He's a pretty bland person overall. He doesn't do much other than work, eat, watch whatever's showing on TV when he's at his small apartment, and sleep; and he doesn't feel he needs more from life than that.
He moved to Amity Park a few years ago, after wandering from place to place.
The ghost thing was new to him. He can't remember seeing a ghost until after moving here. And when the purpose of the shield was explained to him, he couldn't imagine ghosts beyond a vague idea. They were said to be slightly translucent and able to fly. And, in Amity Park, ghosts are just another part of their way of life. A normal sight to see. Especially Phantom.
Even now he can't build a clear mental image or description when it comes to ghosts. He never had a chance to really take one in.
Every time he sees Phantom, his mind goes blank, in pure terror.
Even on the other side of the shield, high in the sky 500 feet away, barely even close enough to make out the cape and suit, the ghost would cause him to freeze in place on the sidewalk, forgetting how to breathe while people push past him to continue on their way.
---
He's at the garage when the sirens come on. In an oil-stained jumpsuit, on his back beneath a car.
At first he's confused, cocking his head to listen, but someone yells that it's the shield.
He should've recognized the sound. There's a drill twice a year. Somewhat of a holiday. The entire town meets up in the shelters under the city. But the timing is off. Wrong month, wrong day, wrong time. For one thing, there is no work on Drill Day. So he didn't make the connection at first.
He puts his wrench down and follows the others out of the garage.
When he steps through the door, he sees Phantom in the distance, throwing parked cars, and he freezes as the others run.
It gets hard to breathe. He can't get enough air. His vision zeroes in on Phantom, the rest of the world vanishing. His heart pounds in his chest like it's trying to free itself. Phantom is coming nearer. He feels dizzy. His head is swimming. He... he has to sit... His knees hit the asphalt. His palms keep him from falling, his eyes never leave Phantom. The ghost comes nearer, casually, meanderingly, blasting random objects. As near as three businesses down. Two. Phantom turns and blows up the building across the street.
Phantom turns back around. Eyes focused overhead, at the garage building. A giddy-looking grin. Then the eyes drift downward.
They lock on him.
"What do we have here? A flea that forgot how to scurry away?"
He shudders at the sound of the voice. Trembles as Phantom floats nearer. He cringes on the ground, seeing his death mere feet away. Stares wide-eyed.
Phantom's grin fades, eyebrows furrowing as eyes study his face. Then, "You?" The eyes narrow, a sneer crossing the face. "I should have finished you."
He shrinks back as Phantom reaches for him. Squeezes his eyes tightly shut. Death. Death.
But instead, a strong hand grips his upper arm—and something seems to light up behind his eyes.
Memories flow through him like water.
A sister. Spinning on her heel with long orange hair flying, a superior, righteous expression as she says something.
Parents. Both wearing tight jumpsuits, excited, building a deadly weapon at the dinner table while asking about school.
Friends. One in black and one with glasses, putting a finger to their earpieces as they talk over each other making suggestions.
...Himself.
Tiredly brushing long black bangs out of his eyes as he reaches for a toothbrush. Lying on his back looking up at the stars. Observing a translucent, slightly glowing gloved hand, wiggling the fingers.
He exhales with a hiss. And snaps his eyes open to glare at Phantom. "You!" He jerks back, breaking Phantom's grip on his arm.
He was robbed of ten years of his life. Of who he is. He lived through ten years not realizing what was going on around him. Accepting the shield and the destruction as normal! And it was a part of himself doing all of this! Making the shield necessary! Out having a joyride at everyone's expense!
He's so angry. Furious.
He can feel his eyes light up for a split second, and a flash of green sparking in his palms. "I'll destroy you!"
He doesn't run for the emergency ecto-gun in the garage.
He lunges at Phantom with his bare hands, palms repeatedly trying to glow, sparking for only an instant at a time, like an igniter without fuel to back it up.
#danny phantom#dp#the ultimate enemy#dan phantom#dark danny#danny fenton#au#asj post#asj writing#I tried looking up what a panic attack feels like. I probably didn't write it very well though. But well I tried.#Hmm. It might be possible to interpret this ficlet more than one way.#rest of tags are ficlet spoilers#I'm still interested in the Tue 'human side doesn't die' possibility.#I'd always thought it was assumed that Dan killed his human side. But Vlad never said. Just said Dan did something pretty bad to him.#My 1st dp fic idea had an unconscious Danny. But I've been thinking about it again lately. I'm pushing the idea a little farther each time.#The idea here was that Danny's kinda an empty shell without much inside. Just going through life blankly and without memory.#He's a bg character. The only unique thing about him is that feeling of fear.#But when Dan touches him it creates a connection. So part of what was taken can return through that connection.#But there's a chance you could see the story as about a stranger who has some kind of skin-to-skin–contact mind-reading ability.#It could be someone other than Danny. Who takes Danny's memories from Dan.#...I didn't end the story early. I'd imagined the ending being him lighting like my computer's been doing and leaping for Dan.#(The computer had gotten better after awhile but after I reset/recovered it it's gotten bad again.#Last time I turned it on it took try after try after try. The power button light would only flash on for a split second. A blink.#Then after several tries the power button would flash on for slightly longer and I'd hear a part shift. Like a cutoff sentence like 'D—'.#the computer eventually came on though.)#I imagined more at the beginning and more at the end and more about the panicking. Just didn't think of the words to use.#The only reason he can punch at Dan at all is because of the residual power. It's like the Fenton Gauntlets that let humans touch ghosts.#Drill Day is like a fair. It's part practice part fun and part getting rid of old food supplies to get ready to restock.#People sometimes think Danny looks familiar but he gives a different name and shows no recognition. So he must just be a stranger.#'Danny died in the NB explosion right?' or 'That out-of-state billionaire adopted him.' or 'There'd been that Masters Mansion explosion.'
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Important photographs
#the klock keeps ticking#baby cat baby ass little sausage brainless idiot#she looks so pissed off in half these pictures lol shes not having any of my shit#i do really like the one where shes sleeping all happy cuz her one paw is up triumphantly#makes me think she was having a dream where she caught a big fish#she also meows soooo much its her favorite thing to do#she gets very happy when i get home late from work cuz shes been waiting all night to put her face in my stinky shoes#rn shes trying to attack bugs through the window
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me every day: yes, I understand that I have ptsd. yes, it will frequently disrupt my life in sometimes (seemingly) random ways. sometimes this will necessitate leaving work or disclosing things about myself to a supervisor or friend or bystander because it's freaking them out and THEY are now panicking and often wanting to call me an ambulance. this is just a fact. it's fine. i'm dealing with it. most years are easier than the ones before them. it's fine.
me when my ptsd is actually triggered: what is happening right now. why can't I breathe. why can't I stand up. why do I feel like I'm about to throw up and die. oh, I know!!! I must be having an allergic reaction to something!!!! I'm suddenly coming down with the flu in the span of 3 minutes!!! this is so weird!!!!!!!
#EDIT: talk of PTSD proceed with caution#it's morphed a little over the years lololol#used to present as very obvious and unmistakable panic attacks with crying and hyperventilating#10 years later and it's quieter. 70% of the time the whole world just shrinks to a 1 foot bubble around me and everything goes dark#at least i didn't actually throw up this time around#and i was able to pinpoint the trigger about 2 hours in#once i was able to think again#and it was a song. 30 seconds of a song.#noticed right away that something felt wrong so i hit stop#but it was too late lmao within 5 minutes it was hard to breathe and the room was spinning and within 10 i crawled upstairs and passed out#but yeah like in the moment i often don't understand what's happening#i don't realize until I've passed out and woken up again#i had to lay down on the floor in the backroom of my retail job once and it scared the shit out of everyone#i usually stay somewhat lucid but i rarely realize I'm reacting to a trigger until after I've recovered#which means then I'm laying on a floor woozily insisting I'm fine#and then have the SUPER FUN TIME of having to explain everything after the fact once my brain and body are working again#I have a few long time coworkers who realize I've been triggered before I do lmao#They're like. Bro. You need to sit down. Right fucking now or you're gonna fall#rray.txt
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bashir garak or ezri
Oooh great picks! I shall answer for all three😊
Julian
one aspect about them i love
That whole backstory with Kukalaka is SO endearing honestly; it really just gets to the heart of who he is, even by itself- but when paired with the whole 'Jules' reveal, it takes on a whole new poignancy
one aspect i wish more people understood about them
I've seen Julian described as naive a lot, usually because he "assumes the best of people"- and I'm not saying that isn't a valid read, but it just feels very incomplete to me! Yes he's childish sometimes, but he's not a baby lol- he's just strongly, strongly driven by the belief that people can always become better. We see him get VERY angry and snarky and (fearlessly) combative with people he believes are in the wrong; people who don't show any flexibility in their perspectives. But the moment a person shows any sort of inclination towards growth or evolution? He puts everything aside and believes in them. To me, this is not naivety- this is courage; even if (especially if!) he may get it wrong sometimes. DS9 (like the real world) is full of people who'll insist that wrongdoers will never change and only deserve to be punished for their mistakes- and imo, Julian makes a fascinating, refreshing, and essential foil to this. (On a more specific note- he does NOT hang out with Garak because he doesn't fully understand the atrocities Garak committed!! Not beyond 'The Wire', anyway. He literally heard (and at the time, fully believed) multiple stories involving Garak being 1. a Gul during the Occupation, 2. a mass murderer (with victims both Cardassian and Bajoran), and 3. an interrogator of literal children. If not the exact details, he certainly knows the magnitude of Garak's crimes- he just chooses to go to great lengths to save his life anyway. This says something way more interesting about him, I think- about his inclination to believe in anyone he thinks would grow better if given the chance, and his willingness to be the one giving them that chance. Which, incidentally, is also why I struggle to see him cutting off his parents, though I do understand why people find value in reading & writing stories like that)
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character
He is a polyglot, but this is one skill he very much keeps to himself. The reasons why are complicated, and linked with how his ideas of home and family and lineage and history and Earth and connection and talking and talkative-ness and "skill" are all somewhat tainted by the discovery of what his parents did to him
one character i love seeing them interact with
SO many options, but let's talk about Jadzia- I love how they moved past the initial awkwardness of Julian's crush on her into this deep, supportive, fun (!!!) and extremely loving bond. There's a lot they have in common (Extreme Imposter Syndrome Buddies :D) which means they always know when the other needs a good pep talk, and it's adorable. I love how they have no boundaries sometimes (Jadzia buying him porn will always be funny), I love that they're in cahoots, I love that they make each other laugh- they care about each other so much!! I honestly think it was one of the best-written friendship arcs between a male and female character on Trek, which is why I'm always so *sighs deeply* about Julian's feelings for Jadzia being dredged up again in- ///cuts myself off because you've heard this rant before from everyone and their moogie haven't you///
one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more
Fascinating conversations Julian Bashir and Kira Nerys could've had (my beloved): long-term health issues in Bajoran mining victims & Resistance fighters; nature vs nurture and their "dangerous" Augment/Mirror selves; Sisko as Commanding Officer vs Sisko as Emissary; nerding out over Bajoran music; why must Jadzia Dax be so beautiful; complicated connections with cultural roots; Kirayoshi & postnatal care; the concept of "forgiveness"; revisiting that "frontier medicine" scene to highlight how much they've both changed; Kira offering a kinder approach to "Jules Bashir died in that hospital" through the concept of a pagh
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character
He never, ever let the whole Jem'Hadar thing go. In fact, he actually set up this secret rehabilitation centre in Goran'Agar's name after the war, which now provides intensive care for all the Jem'Hadar and Vorta left behind in the AQ. He told me himself :)
Garak
one aspect about them i love
It's been years since my first watch, but I'll never forget how excited I got every single time I saw "Special Guest Star Andrew Robinson" in the credits lol. You just know you're in for a great one; he's such a fantastic and scene-stealing character!
one aspect i wish more people understood about them
I just feel like, for a character whose most famous line is "They're all true, [especially the lies]", there is WAYYY too much discourse about him that approaches him from extremes? And it always misses the point imo. Garak was a spy, assassin, interrogator and torturer for the Cardassian government, who participated in (or at the very least, aided) a colonial and genocidal occupation, and expresses supremacist, xenophobic and fascist beliefs for the majority of the series. Erasing any of this is would be erasing not just who he was, but who he is. But the lack of imagination re how to move forward with him if we are engaging with such themes is equally, if not more, frustrating to me. Sure, a lot of the cutesy art and fanfics can have him behaving overly sincere and out of character- but the counter response is always "how dare you woobify this racist war criminal he's violent and dangerous and bigoted and therefore he would NOT do or say or feel any of that!!!", and- okay, so is the idea of him designing and sewing dresses out of character, then...? Is the image of him debating books over lunch with a bib tucked in too woobified? Is the notion of him trying to set up a fellow (Bajoran!!) business owner on a date too fanfic-ey? Because guess what- that's literally how he behaves on the show! Garak is a self-aware self-woobifier, that's literally the whole point, he's "just a plain simple tailor" wink, wink- and without at least some element of that comical mundanity, that sort of absurdist domesticity, the character just isn't recognisable imo. Garak is the con artist who fell for his own con; he's spent so long playing various roles that he now over-performs everything and has no idea where the performance ends and the genuine begins, literally what makes his character work is that you're looking at this war criminal just doing benign stuff like sampling drinks or watching a tennis match or gifting his friend chocolates and wondering just WHAT is going on inside his head- and, "he did horrible things and therefore must be incapable of any form of sincerity or affection or regret and the perception of any of those things is woobification" is such a reductive (and boring!) approach to him imo. I don't mean any of this as apologia; there are many, many ways in which a person can be bigoted and cruel, and Garak is those things- I just feel like people often misrepresent the manner in which he is those things (usually by making him unfunny and weirdly macho, which I just cannot understand at all😂)
TL;DR- Garak the poor sad misunderstood baby who never enjoyed any of the bad things he did and only thinks about Julian Bashir 24/7 is out of character, sure- but Garak the violent emotionless villain who treats all Bajorans abusively 24/7 and will never ever grow or change is... just as divorced from canon imo (imo!! Emphasis on "o"!!)
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character
Garak himself doesn't always fully remember the details of his past; he has this very Cardassian ability to specifically delete anything he wants to from his memory, and he's better at it than most (though, still not always successful). Only thing Garak regularly tops is the List Of People Garak Lies To basically
one character i love seeing them interact with
Well, apart from the obvious- I think every scene between him and Odo in IC/TDIC is incredibly immersive and top tier! The actors are SO good together, and the only reason Odo isn't in the next category is I actually think it's perfectly in character for both of them to just never bring up the whole torture thing ever again
one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more
KIRAAAAA but tbh, I'm more interested in their post-canon dynamic than anything, so instead I'll go with Sisko! Every time these two are on screen together, amazing. The effortless back and forth. The intellectual battling. The subtly flirty line deliveries(!!!) The palpable shifts in the power dynamic. The oddly respectful snarking. Again, the way these two actors are SO GOOD
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character
Some may claim that Garak hates the more outlandish civilian outfits that Jake and Julian wear. I say he made them
Ezri
one aspect about them i love
The sheer impact of actually getting to spend a whole season with the next Dax (after years of only hearing about Curzon) just cannot be overstated imo. Like, we the audience got to experience firsthand what it was like for Benjamin to first see Jadzia walk out of that shuttle; for Jadzia to wake up one day and find herself the newest link in a long-revered chain- we actually saw the new host struggling to adjust, reconciling all those lifetimes of memories all over again, rekindling and redefining Dax's old relationships (the relationship with the audience very much included!)- and then on top of that, the new host wasn't even trained to take on the symbiont?? What an incredible character premise! I was obsessed from the moment she said "Hello Benjamin it's me Dax"
one aspect i wish more people understood about them
Ezri is Jadzia's successor; not Jadzia's replacement. She cannot replace Jadzia- that's literally the entire point of her arc, that she should stop trying! She's a fascinating character in her own right, and also extremely interesting to think about and discuss independent of whom she will end up/should've ended up with
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character
Ezri Tigan was not "anxious" in a rambly nervous way like Ezri Dax, but more hyper-competent and "I'm always unhappy because everything I do HAS to be perfect so I'm never satisfied and I hate myself" (which was definitely how she was trained to think by her mother). For this reason, joining with Dax actually ends up being good for her in the long run! Nothing drives an oppressive voice out of your head quite like suddenly having eight other voices in there lol
one character i love seeing them interact with
I know some people don't like her and Worf mistakenly thinking they're in love and hooking up and then realising they work better as friends, but I actually think it's very understandable for both of them, and the friendship they form afterwards is so wholesome. That scene where he asks for her advice and she just calls out corruption in the Klingon empire is one of my favourite Ezri scenes ever :D
one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more
It is my firm belief that Sisko and Ezri's S7 arcs should have revolved around each other. Ben's journey at this point is so tied up in his ever-growing disconnect from linear time and corporeality, and imo nothing grounds this better than his three-lifetime bond with Dax! He should have talked about the Prophets and Benny Russell and the whole concept of destiny with his favourite old worm. It also would've been revelatory for Ezri, who herself is trying to adjust to the non-linearity (300 years of memories she can't easily get in order) and non-corporeality (whose body IS this anyway???) of being Dax
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character
I know we all have our theories as to why and how and when exactly she and Julian break up, and while I do enjoy the drama sometimes, I still fundamentally feel like it would be short and amicable and they'd remain close friends for life. Or maybe I'm just a big sap hehe
#ask game#cw torture mention#thank you so much for this opportunity to ramble! :)#just wanna clarify- I wasn't saying g@rak's former career & (lack of) morals CAN'T be a point of contention between him and bash1r#I just don't think jul1an would hold his /past/ deeds over him#but if he speaks in *defense* of those past deeds? that could definitely raise some issues (esp if they're together in this scenario)#also there's plenty of messed up things g@rak does in the show's PRESENT to choose from! torturing 0do/trying to murder the founders/or#even that one bajoran conference- jul1an would find these actions indefensible imo (and I have read some good fics exploring this)#ITPM is... interesting because I actually don't think late s6 bash!r would condemn him for it very much#I mean even s!sko seemed more pissed about the fact that he'd been tricked into murdering the guy than the fact that the guy was murdered#(and his anger quickly dissipated once he realised he hadn't been AS tricked as he was telling himself he was)#bottom line is g@rak as War Criminal & Cardassian Oppressor IS interesting to explore! I just don't think it would (or should) negate#the possibility of growth or change (which he does undergo on the show) and definitely not a relationship with jul1an#who in canon doesn't really seem to consider g@rak's past (or even present) a deal breaker#(not attacking anyone PLEASE don't start Discourse about this thank you!!!)
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