#think lizzie from rivals vibes

[seriousbrat]

Oh something I came up with for Hope Lupin is that she's an author who writes paperback fantasy romances under a pen name. They're a little bit on the trashy side lol but also very romantic and quite successful! And she's definitely inspired by the wizarding world, but Lyall has to read all her manuscripts before sending them to print to make sure they're not breaking the statute of secrecy. Her reviews always emphasise her beautiful writing and her ability to come up with such fantastic things!

Her most popular series is about a young woman who moves to an old house in the country and falls in love with the ghost of a gentleman who lived there in the regency era. (Inspired by Lyall's work with spirits obviously, though with a lot of creative liberty taken such as ghosts being able to have sex lol)

[putonmyfavoriteshow]

Life With Luca thoughts/reactions

WOW, I really enjoyed that way more than I expected to!

OK, so timeline wise the math isn't really mathing for me lmao. Like how do they both have 14 yr olds and Simon being in college already?? The show only ended in 2009/2010 which was 13/14 years ago?? What year is it in this universe??? They both had children the year they went off to college lmao??

But I'm happy to ignore logic since I actually enjoyed the newbies a lot.

I liked that Luca/Skylar weren't just a repeat Casey/Derek dynamic and weren't rivals who full on hated each other but just grew up differently and had some jealousy/hostility toward the other because of that, but actually were a lot sweeter together during more serious moments. I think their personalities perfectly reflected how they were raised - Luca is a bit of a rebel, but he's very much Casey's son, he's trained in First Aid! and has a granola bar in his pocket at all times, albeit stale AF, and takes care of his siblings even if he can be lazy about it sometimes. Skylar is more mature minded but she has the freedom of Derek's parenting so she's not nearly as high strung as Casey is, but she is more organized and put together to make up for Derek's lackadaisical way of living.

I LOVED SIMON!!! He was easily my favorite new character. I can't believe I went from forgetting he even existing to absolutely adoring him. He was so lovable and silly and he must have such a wild childhood being the Venturi-McDonald baby, I would love more backstory on him!

Molly/Kai were adorable and the perfect little chaotic kiddos to round out the ensemble :3

George/Nora - although I wasn't as invested in them, their relationship is so adorable and they're just as dorky and sweet as they were in the series.

The random jewelry heist B-plot was so random, but kinda funny. I'm down for some chaotic hijinx, and I love how it ended with that theif falling through the ceiling XD

The return of Lassiter and Sam were great. It would've been great to see any of the show regulars honestly but I'm glad we got some. I think the return of D-Rock really got me. When they started singing the song I had tears in my eyes. And Ralph as a surgeon was such a great way to explain his absense lmao.

I missed Edwin/Lizzie/Marti. I think that was my only real let down with the movie. They didn't need to be in the whole thing but even a video call would have been nice :/

Career-wise I'm glad they went with Derek as a rock star and Casey as a lawyer. Even though Derek was the hockey guy, seeing him roam around as a rock star with his daughter really just fits his vibe. And I'm so glad the movie course corrected VWD Casey because I was never a fan of her dropping out of college to dance in NY like ?? sure Casey loves to dance but she loves to use her big brain even more!!! Plus fighting for justice?? THAT'S SO CASEY DASEY!!! So it was taboo then, I feel like it's even more taboo now, but had you lived it you would get it! These two always had way too much tension and never quite fell into a sibling-like relationship. They were insanely obsessed with each other making everyone around them uncomfortable, so they were destined to be messed up soulmates <3 It may be an ick for some and that's valid, but for me they'll always be "the exception the the rule" ;) Also Ashley and Mike were always pushing the limit on them, they knew what they were doing! Ok, so now that that's out of the way, I knew that we weren't going to get canon Dasey out of this, but I'm so glad the writers delivered on giving us some great Dasey content regardless. The fact that both Skylar's mom and Casey's hockey husband were both entirely absent and no love interest was given was wise. We basically got to see Derek and Casey play house and be the married vibes that they are which is honestly what us hardcore LWD/Dasey fans want anyway. Mike & Ash didn't miss a beat! That was really Casey and Derek back on my screen and it made me really emotional <3 Maybe the movie didn't have a whole lot of just them, since their children were the focal point but the way it ended, it just made me want more and feel like we were being set up for ...possible canon Dasey? But even if not canon, I think that if the show does get picked up, we can get so much fun Dasey content from it to build from anyway (canon is overrated sometimes lbr) Plus I genuinely enjoy seeing Derek and Casey in parental roles so that would be awesome. And SIMON MORE SIMON PLEASE!!!! <3

[author-a-holmes]

🌙 and 👻 for the October ask game!

Thank you for the ask hun! (Link to the Ask Game; Here)

🌙 Moon: Do any of your OCs have dark backstories or secrets they’re trying to keep?

I had to give this one a bit of a think because I have such a cast of characters now across several projects lol.

No one in the Fey Touched Trilogy has a dark backstory, and I don't think they're keeping any huge secrets. Everyone HAS secrets, of course, but nothing earth shattering...

I think the biggest "secret", that's no longer really a secret for anyone who has read Changeling, if Lizzy's mixed parentage. But even that wasn't neccessarily something that her mum, Madeline, was intending to keep from her forever.

👻 Ghost: Can you tease some wip ideas that have been haunting you/something you want to write in the future?

The Chronicles of Verald.

I've described this project to my best friend as "The idea that is standing behind me, in the shadows at the corner of the room, grinning widely, while holding a baseball bat."

It's so freaking intimidating to me, but I've just got this GUT feeling it's going to be ridiculously fun to write.

It's going to be a series of Romantic Fantasy books, a minimum of nine, possibly as many as 12, that follow a character called Mallory Forbane who is a Viken. Vikens are rare and the only people who have the ability to manipulate and edit curses cast by Volvar, the spell-casters of the world.

The other lead character, Nikalas Greyson, is a Draugr, cursed to immortality, his curse is mutating and he requires the help of a Viken every few centuries to manipulate the curse back into a bareable state.

Nik's going to be a Morally Grey character on the darker side of that spectrum, and I really want to lean heavily on the rivals-to-lovers trope between him and Mallory over the course of the series.

But this beast is such a monster, I'm not even letting myself work on the outline properly under Fey Touched is complete. I have a metric tonne of worldbuilding for this already, and character outlines, and backstories, and plot details, and original cursed creatures/monsters. I've even outlined book one, because I was doing something different with my outlines and wanted to see if the idea was even viable... but then I've put it away, but it's constantly on my mind.

I have a dedicated sideblog for this project, and I just reblog stuff that makes me think of the story or gives me vibes or idea's, so it's definitely what I'd call an active project, even though I'm not currently working on it in any meaningful way.

[thatonefatgumsimp]

same warning as prev post, pls read. (Also srr the list looks less list-y I can't split it between rb's and I was too impatient to wait and put them all in one post).

7. Cleo: "HER LITTLE JINGLES- I agree with the person in the comments of their videos who said it, Joe's personality totally is rubbing off on her. Love it, amazing intro lol. The Tango and Cleo team up is a surprise to be sure, but a welcome one nonetheless. Very chill rn actually! 'We'll probably be stabbing each other in no time!' Perhaps, but today is not that day...hopefully- CLEO'S CACKLE AT SCAR FAILING- 💀 mood 'yeah I'm sure, I'm sure there was' LIZZIE LMAOO meanwhile, Cleo just staring at it like: LIIIZZIEEEEEEE! Omg- 💀😭 /lh their base above Lizzie's looks pretty nice honestly! No cuz 'the speeper kepepitiper' is giving me 'combabidaber' vibes from when Scar tried to pronounce comparitor when he and Grian set up those launchers in Doc's perimeter- 'there's a demon' MUMBO! Mumbo's nervous laughter- 💀 'it's great, isn't it? It's my favorite!' Honestly I think probably one of the fandom's favorites to draw too! Or at the very least, my favorite to draw :3 WAIT WHAT DOES THE AXIS THING MEAN?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! 'Hey Bdubs, where's your boyfriend?' Canon boyfriends? :O c!Ethubs canon boyfriends?! Oop- aaaand my yt crashed 😔 it couldn't handle Cleo's amazingness smh. Pupper alliance <3 'YOU'RE CANADIAN, YOU SPELL WITH EXTRA Us TOO!' her just going 'why do we need wool?!' 'I'm basing with Etho now'. Ooh this is gonna be fun to watch!"

8. Gem: "SHE'S HERE! SHE'S HERE! GEMISGREATGEMISGREATGEMISGREAT! SHE'S SO GONNA GEMINISLAY THIS LIFE SEASON! 'We've both got to get to the cherry blossoms, Lizzie!' Mmmm cherry blossom...OK I got distracted, but I alr love this team up lol. 'We will watch Gem' 'YOU'RE DOING AMAZING, SWEETIE!' now we just need an obligatory 'BEHIND YOU, GEM!' 'This band is falling apart' 💀 I love this trio sm already...I'm so making fanart- 'SHE'S JUST GEM-' iconic ✌💀 also watching Gem's POV after seeing Skizz's, I get why it looked so creepy now...rip Skizz o7 for having to do that 'Scott and the Gems' THEIR RIVAL BAND OH NO /lhj love their houses <3 Scott's 'I told you!' carries so much sass and I love that tbh. Ohhh this series is gonna be great I can already tell. 'I got a little worried about how clingy everyone was' awwweh and she built a little fishing pond! I just love how aesthetic her bases always are even if they're just simple little bases :3"

9. Tango: "NOT TANGO GETTING THE EASIEST TASK OF ALL TIME- 💀 Tangocleodayonealliancetangocleodayonealliancetangocleodayoneall- 'if you hear a high pitched squeal, that's me and it's time to flee' this man is a whole mood cuz same- ohh no his /gift broke ): I keep getting distracted, but like- can you blame me? These people are great at making content! Absolutely amazing! Tango trying to find Scar to talk to him lol 💀 SCAR JUST EXPLAINING AHSOKA(? Idk how to spell it...) TO TANGO IS THE BEST LMAO also so glad Tango included a good part of the conversation since Scar didn't /lh was excited to see how the conversation went. This has just made me more curious as to what Big B is up to...to keep with the Star Wars theme of the previous conversation, the gaslight is strong with this one! Tango teaching Jimmy about the goodies is great. 'Tango, I'm gonna force you to adopt me pretty soon' well that's one way to ask about an alliance lol- PEARL'S DOG'S NAME BEING MAILBOX LMFAO- I CAN'TTT 😭💀 Etho just lying for funsies lol love that for him...Tango's 'oh it's you...' to Impulse 💀 Cleo saying 'TANGO!' and then Tango rushing to explain and stumbling over his words I- lol. Are Tango and Skizz always like this hanging out together? Lol 💀 /lh ohhhh no the fighting- o7 Tango Cleo team up, died before it started. 'Who could we team up with?' I'm with the people in Skizz's comments who said they should convince Scar and Jimmy to team or ally with them. I think that'd be fun! :3 Bdubs' innocent 'am I?' 💀 Skizz's confusion at who Willy is BC he can't play DO2 lol-"

10. Scott: "OK, not to throw shade, but Scott being ONE OF the only ones so far to not have to ask if the secrets were supposed to stay secret (or share it, like somebody /lh cough cough) is amazing. I'm excited already! PEARL JUMPSCARING SCOTT LMAOOO poor Scott- 'y'all were obsessed with flower husbands, it's actually just me & Pearl' 💀 nah cuz I choked on my chicken tender lmaoo- Scott talking about gift items while little shinies spin on the screen. Perfect. SCOTTTTT LMAOOO 'everyone needs a hobby'. I'm not gonna live through this ep, but in a different way from Martyn's. Watching Martyn's, I almost died of an anxiety induced heart attack (/lhhj). Meanwhile watching Scott's, I'm gonna die choking on my food from laughter! 'CAN A MAN TALK TO A MAN?' 💀 'JIMMY!! How do you survive sometimes?!' paired with his laughter lol- 'oh I forgot there was no regeneration' 'ohh my-' 'Every. Single. Time.' he's not wrong, but also o7 lol Scott bringing doors underwater tho. Sometimes, I think he might be the only responsible one here /lh SCOTT QUOTING MEAN GIRLS- 😭😂 'you're doing amazing, sweetie!' Lol- yup, def my favorite alliance so far, the second POV confirms it. 'That sounds like an 80s rock band' indeed it does, Scott. 'Very different answers' 💀 yeah...Martyn's not having too hot of a time...o7 'THIS BAND IS FALLING APART' 💀 'they're intimidated' after watching 9 other POVs, can confirm. 'You know, I was going to before you told me not to, so thanks' I- 💀 this ep is fr a hard mode try not to laugh challenge- it's amazing! Scott zooming in on Jimmy and waving at him lol 'Scott and the Gems' 💀 which Scott though? Cuz both of their content is like finding a precious jewel so could be either- (srsly tho love the content from these three <3) 'I JUST GOT GOATED!' but in which way, Impulse? /lhhj 'where have you heard that before?!' 'Don't think about it-' ohh poor sweet Gem...also. IMPULSE! 'I'm gonna use the diving board' good idea, it saves time. Omg he got so many goodies- noice. Gem's relieved sigh of 'thank you-' 💀 'Gem I got us a sheep, we have one' and a very cute sheep at that :3 well...I WOULD be sad ep 1 is over, but I still have the second session POVs to watch after I catch up. BUT WOOO HYPE! LET'S GOOOOOO! Oop hold on, gotta vibe to his outro music."

11. Bdubs: "O h ... Oh my God...it's over an hour, I can't sit still that long- I will try- 'you stole my horse last time, Bdubs, I don't forget' meanwhile, me, who has no context for, like, half the life series cuz I never end up finishing: Bdubs' indignant gasp and 'how dare you' 💀 also I think Joel's habit of horse killing is rubbing off on Lizzie lol- 'how did you get a saddle this early on?' Bdubs: 👀 [you feel the weight of your sins crawling on your back] lol- 'I didn't kill the cows, it's worse-' o7 'WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BDUBS??' 💀 lmaoo- So completely normal about c!Ethubs- 'GEM ACCOSTED ME!' 'sounds about right-' 💀 I'm gonna love the sibling vibes coming from those two this series lol- Bdubs and his chainmail lol! Common Canadian David Attenborough W /lhhj ohh no Bdubs' mic didn't just cut out, his prox mod malfunctioned! Noooo rip- Bdubs' 'STOPP!' in response to Martyn having 16 hearts was me all through his POV when he took risks or damage. 'It could be like the Alps, but bad' 💀 Mumbo lmaoo- 'we could be called the Axis!' OK, now that ik what that means after a kind tumblr user explained to me- uhmmm...yeah let's just say it's good Cleo was there- 'YES I KNOW IT'S UPSIDE DOWN!' 💀😂 MAILBOX- 😭💀 Bdubs is so great at naming things lol /lh 'oh, Etho? He's uhhhhhh-' so normal- OK so I sat still for 39 minutes then I got distracted, back to it. 'Alright, hopping off' 💀 'Bdubs, I'll give you one too. I know you love these.' SO. NORMAL. I SWEAR- BDUBS HOW DID YOU GET IN THE TREES?! His immediate yes to iron horse armor lol! Martyn and Bdubs: -talking about horse armor- Scar: Jimmy, I'll burn your house down- it's even better after multiple times lmao 💀 'oh I am? OK' pfttttt- DO2 references go brrrrr 'OK bye' 💀 perfect ending lol-"

12. Pearl: "pftttt someone in the comments comparing Pearl's base to a hobbit hole- okokok I'm watching the video now- Pearl jumpscaring Scott 💀 'DON'T KILL THOSE COWS!' lol oouh nice Etho and Pearl gift heart exchange 'it's not that you can't speak horse, they can't speak you' 'WHO KEEPS LEAVING FLOATING TREES?!' poor cleaning lady, having to clean even outside of Hermitcraft o7 'did I hear a Lizzie?' 'Yeah, where are you?' lol :O protection pact? Alliance? Lizzie Pearl alliance? Funsies! 'Don't worry, I'll save you' 🥺 literally goals- NOT PEARL AND JOEL FIGHTING FOR THE GIFTED HEART- 💀 literally tho why do Jimmy and Pearl give such sibling vibes lol- 'that's so spooky' yes, yes it is. Also the fact that, as far as I can remember, only Pearl and Jimmy mentioned something about the secret keeper like that (Pearl said it's spooky, Jimmy said the symbol looked familiar) 'n'awwwwwww! I just witnessed a moment :3' yes you did, Pearl. And it was very wholesome. 'Oh, but you're absolutely wonderful, Mumbo!' 💀 that's really nice of her to say, but like, the timing lmao- DOGGIE! Doggie <3 'I see a camel's butt over there' c a m e l 'no high-fiving!' Lol! ARCHIMEDES AWWWWWEH 🥺 THAT'S THE PERFECT NAME! 'Did you kill Alfred?' Oop- Scar's in troubleeeeeeee~ /lh :O Joel alliance! Noice. 'Cuz it's got a cherry wood door! It's all you need!' Lol I meannnn true, what better way to spice up a dirt hut than with a pretty door :3 noooo I don't want it to end D: ...oh wait I still have all the session 2s to watch- ...OK fine it can end lol- gosh that was a great episode! Also ty Pearl for reminding me to bug my mom (/lh) about preordering a hoodie :3"

Also WOO ONLY 5 MORE POVs THEN I CAN MOVE ON TO SESSION 2!

Which Secret Life POVs I've Watched So Far (will be updated and edited as I finish)

OK so I may or may not have gotten distracted again- oops- but basically I'm putting here which POVs I've already watched in full and what my first thought about each one was.

-WARNING: wall of texts and ramblings from an mcyt obsessed audhd under the cut...and also spoilers. Don't click unless you're ready for simultaneously spoilers and an ungodly amount of text lol-

Grian: "God this series is so hype I can't wait to see what all happens and- OMG GEM IS HERE! :D GEM IS GREAT! I can't wait to see her kick Etho's ass at PvP again /lh ...waiminute...is that logo on the statue...is that the Watcher logo??? Huh??? Wait...and why does it have the same mossiness of the Entity and Grian's s9 base? Suspicious...OMG the chaotic Best Friend energy with Mumbo and Grian- tbh would be me and my best friend on any given day. Amazing. Their laughter is so infectious too lmao- Oough merch! Pretty :3 Wait it's over already? Aweeeeh ): can't wait for the next episode tho!"

Mumbo: "Wait he switched sides of the circle when Martyn punched Jimmy lmaoooo just like 'these people are crazy, save me, Grian-' 💀 The best friend energy omg still amazing I love their dynamic so much! Ooh a sideways house that *IS* an interesting idea! WHY DOES JIMMY KEEP BREAKING THE CRAFTING TABLES LMAO Hmmmmm Impulse ik cherry blossom is great, but that salesman voice is indeed very sus. I'm with Mumbo on this one."

Skizz: "Idk I watched it when I was very tired last night and all I remember is 'Awwweh a frog! Take care of him...WH- TANGO!!!' and also him apologizing to Gem which was very nice. Oh yeah and love island <3"

Jimmy: "Alright, Timmy, you've got this. Just don't die and- OMG MARTYN NOOOO LMAOO- Aweeeh it's like when you have a really young sibling or you're, like, a parent or something and you kiss the child's scraped knee to make it feel better- 🥺 wholesome. THANK YOU! I thought I was alone in recognizing that symbol, thank you for acknowledging it. JIMMY LOOK OUT OMG YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK! OK but the task. This man is an absolute menace lol. Aweh that's very nice of Scar to compliment Jimmy's outfit! SCOTT LMFAOOOO YOU'RE SO RIGHT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME 💀 Jimmy building in the Mesa? Tumble Town 2 electric boogaloo?? 'Hmmmm if Scar's building a shack, we're gonna have to have a shack-off, mine's better.' NO JIMMY DON'T STEAL THE CAMEL! D: pftttt Scar would- remember the Relation-ship? And the Ranch? Arson boy lol. THE VALLEY GIRL ACCENT I CAN'T- 😭"

Scar: "OK, Scar, you can do the task, I believe in you. I've seen 4 other POVs which prove that you failed, but I still believe in you. OMG THAT'S WHY HE COMPLIMENTED JIMMY'S OUTFIT LMAOOO I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION- So true, Scott. So true. But you can't stop them, they're still gonna end up neighbors. I know, I already watched Jimmy's POV. SCAR NOOOO YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM- The way he jumped in the water- 💀 hc that c!Scar shook out his long-ish messy brown hair like a dog after that. Cuz he would. 'I'll make an exception for you. The first and ONLY exception.' if someone doesn't use this as, like, a fanfic title or something I swear- literally perfect material for a c!Scarian fic title. AWEEEEEEH HE CALLED GRIAN THE LIGHT OF HIS LIFE- I CAN'T BHATGLFYSJBJSRSKBLBK 🥺 Scar just like 'y'all crazy. Bye.' AWEEEEH GRIAN AND SCAR'S CAMEL RIDE! DESERTDUODESERTDUODESERTDUODESERTDUO! The way they stare at the hole Big B dug like *insert surprised Pikachu here* awwwwweh the way he let Grian have the cactus monopoly 🥺 you will never not convince me that bullying is their love language. c!desertduo bullies each other affectionately...I'm so normal about c!desertduo I promise- HE TALKED ABOUT ASOKA FOR 30 MINUTES OFC HE DID- 💀😭 I was wondering why he didn't include it lmao- NOT SCAR TREATING THE CAMEL LIKE A DISNEY RIDE LOL learning about the task goodies with Tango, Jimmy, and Scar 101 'IS IT A ROCKET' LMAOOOOO- HE'S SUFFOCATING AGAIN- SCAR BE CAREFULLLLL!!! Ik it's not in the comments, but, I GOT TO THIS POINT AND I'M ENJOYING IT, SCAR! Love this series sm and I'm only 5 POVs in lol. 'It's looking kinda like a shack' 'fancy house and exotic materials' indeed, Etho. Also yes, Scar, part of what gave it away is that ur favorite color is orange lol /lh the fact that Jimmy is the only one I've seen to call him 'Obi' when he says 'Hello There'- amazing. 'Nonono it's not a shack, look at that entrance!' But, Scar, you just said- ...OK- 'this is my shack' OK, Scar I'm confused. Is it or isn't it a shack? Ofc he cut out the arson threats and allegations smh /lh 'until next time, we'll see you later, and don't forget to subscribe because you may just become. SCARRRRED FOR LIFE!' ...yes I've memorized his outro-"

Martyn: "Wait OK before we start- are we sure that punching Jimmy didn't just, like, transfer the canary's curse? /lh like it could also be that he won last series and now he's the 'wet cat' of the first episode like I saw in another post, but like, what if?? I guess we'll see, huh? The awkward 'goodbye' and then walking the same way lmaooo 💀 Lizzie and Gem: 'WE HAVE TO GET TO THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS!' Martyn: 'uhhhhh anyways so-' what am I gonna get? Well uhhh probably one of the life hoodies, but I'll probably have to convince my mom to get it as a Christmas gift cuz I already spent a lot in the last month cuz I have no self control- but yeah probably the balloon hearts hoodie or the drippy hearts one. Love those. 'Ofc no wearing helmets' Scar, who has a helmet: 'Hi, Martyn!' 'oh mY GOd you scared me-' Payback for the jumpscare to Grian last series /lh /hj 'friends?' 'friends?' 'friends?' 'Helloooooo!' 'Martyn!' Idk why but that interaction made me exhale like- just imagine shouting through the walls in a cave to your friends irl. Omg now I'm imagining it with the reverb- 'you couldn't spare a heart, could you?' gives off the vibes of 'please sir, could I have some more?' Oliver Twist who? /lhj Bdubs and his chainmail lol 'THERE'S A SPAWNER?!' yeah...he's definitely having a rough first session- o7 'what is happening out there-?' I'd like to know too, Martyn, unfortunately I haven't watched their POVs yet. Also Etho saying 'BDUBS RUN! HIDE!' I- I'm normal about c!Ethubs I promise- 'YOU GOT HORSE ARMOR?!' ofc the local horsegirl /lhhj would ask about that lol- NOT ETHO TURNING INTO CANADIAN DAVID ATTENBOROUGH AND NARRATING HIS, MARTYN'S, AND BDUBS' ADVENTURES THROUGH THE CAVE- I- 💀 'this could go viral' true, Bdubs lol. BDUBS' MIC CUTTING OUT I'M CRYING- Gem's reaction of 'a what?!' and Scott's response of 'we just don't have a healer' is just perfect lol. Love that. WE'RE PLAYING THE MARTYN GETS NERFED MOD! TODAY WE CODED IT SO ALL THE MOBS ATTACK MARTYN AND ONLY MARTYN! that's the vibes Scott's comment gave me lol- 12 HEARTS?!? MARTYN!! OMG BE MORE CAREFUL!!! This Martyn nerf hitting hard- 'this could be really bad if I get poisoned-' YES IT COULD, MARTYN, YOU'RE ALREADY AT 12 HEARTS- IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO BE THE FIRST TO YELLOW- /lh bro Martyn being risky is making my anxiety go 📈📈📈📈📈 BE MORE CAREFUL, MARTYN, PLS- I BEG OF U- MARTYN GOING TO THE NETHER- 📈📈📈 MARTYN THERE ARE GHASTS- PLEASE- I- AAAAAAAAAAAAA! MARTYNNNN! OMG! IS HE ALWAYS THIS RISKY, USUAL MARTYN VIEWERS?! CUZ IF SO IDT I'M GONNA SURVIVE BINGING ALL THE LIFE SERIES- 'ughhh I swear, dude, I swear, I'm gonna cry!!!' I AM TOO, PLEASE STOP GETTING INTO DANGER, MARTYN- Martyn saying damnit is me the whole time he's out risking his hearts. My heart can't take this kind of pressure, Martyn please stop being so riskyyyy- 😭 nINE HEARTS- MARTYN!!!! Istg I'm not surviving this episode- my heart is just- 📈📈📈📈📈📈📈 his pICKAXE BROKE?! OH YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! 'OH MY GOD, THE SUN!' I'M HAPPY TOO, HOPEFULLY HE DOESN'T LOSE TOO MANY MORE HEARTS. 'I've been to the nether and everything!' Yeah, imma be honest, I don't get that one. Like, didn't you write a song lITERALLY CALLED 'Screw The Nether' with friends????! /lh Lizzie's 'oh wow' 💀 fIVE AND A HALF HEARTS!! MARTYNNNN!!! OMG! 📈📈📈 NOT THE DROWNED- 😭 LEAVE HIM ALONE, BRUH, HE JUST TRYNA SURVIVE- Martyn panicking- same, bestie- Lizzie just like 'oh you stole my bed? Didn't notice' 💀 #1 way to tempt a horsegirl: offer something to protect his horse /lhj Cleo's laugh lol- infectious. MARTYN ZOOMING IN AND JIMMY JUST BRINGING BACK SCAR'S CAMEL IN THE BACKGROUND I CAN'T-"

OK I'm posting this and I'll rb for the other POVs, but Cleo's next.

So let's see, next rb is probably gonna be Cleo, Gem, Tango, Scott, Bdubs, and Pearl.

Third rb is probably gonna be Etho, Joel, Lizzie, Impulse, and BigB.

3 maybe 4 rb max.

[razzle-zazzle]

Besides Gisu, do you think Dion would be friends with any of the other interns?

Dion and Morris. It takes a while for their animosity to shift into "man fuck that guy (affectionate)" but like,,,, Morris and Dion being idiot rivals my beloved. Their rivalry is genuine but it's just a funny bit they do. They have a hairstyle rivalry. They are each other's break from their respective responsibilities through stupid dares and teenage dumbassery. They bicker like an old married couple they hang out as friends they only have one braincell between them and you can never tell which one of them has it at any given moment. Morris 100% has a quotebook for stupid/funny things his friends say and Dion contributes a lot to the "stupid" category. Queepie and Gisu getting pulled into shenanigans. Yes. I have a lot of thoughts on these two interacting oh my godddddd

Dion would be the "GET YOUR FUCKING DOG" meme with Sam. I'm sorry but he would. She terrifies him on a deep level even when they're interacting amicably.

Dion's eldest sibling syndrome,,,, Adam's big brother/dad friend vibes,,,,, again it would take a while but they could have a fun little friendship maybe :]

I have no idea how Dion and Lizzie would even get along. I feel like they could interact nicely enough but maybe wouldn't be close friends you know? I'm fully down to be proven wrong on this though.

And then Dion and Norma,,,, they're like on the verge of being foils to one another but they also strike me as characters who would simply refuse to interact with one another on principle. Lock them in a room together and they will find a way to ignore eachother out of mutual dislike. But I'm going to throw them in a river and make them interact anyway because I think it would be funny :]

[mayeetjim]

Marvs guide to empires

First up is Scott Smajor, local gay who worships a deer. May or may not be the reincarnation of this deer, I watched one episode. In this episode he has three bees all named Archibald. He is up in the mountains and is an elf. Don't watch him if accents bother you much, but other than that great vibes.

Rivendell

Plot relevant.

Next I'm going to Pix, who build Pixandria from the sand up, and has a specialty in copper. This is who I watch. Also related to spirituality, he has the Vigil, ehivh commemorates the deaths of the leaders of the Empires. He has a very fun relationship with death on the server, which creates very fun headcanons'. He survives on Honey and flesh, and had a copper farm called Under David. He is the Copper King.

Pixandria

Semi plot relevant?

The rest of these I have no seen a single episode for

Fwhip. I know his main thing is explosions, and he settled in a plains biome. It seems very evil, and there are corrupted bits everywhere. There are heads on spikes and they used to have potato's, but now export gunpowder.

Grimmlands

Gem

Magic! She uses amythyst and it's very fun. She's the potions person and is open to everyone

Crystal Cliffs

Joey

Yes it's Joey Graceffa. He has a jungle base and it seems pretty cool. his elytra is textured to be parrot wings. He deals with totems of undying, which he gets from a building technically in pixandria. There's a fire temple and a water temple, and there will probably be earth and air as well.

Lost Empire

Katherine

Ooooh my gods the textures and themes here are so pretty. Flowers galore. Tower of trust is really fun and folks can give tributes to get flowers from here. She's making a bee army and iron golems. They work with dyes and flowers

House Blossom/The Overgrown.

Lizzie :D

I know she is old. There is backstory here high recommend it even I have heard the musical episode she did. Omg her singing voice. Lily pads, primarine, if you like ocean biomes you're in the right place. She is fun

The ocean empire

Sausage ,:3

Once friends with Pix, he seems to be rivals with him now. He once sent tonnes of "mythland npcs" to attack pix. He's in a dark oak forest and mmmm I love that biome. He has taken pranks and added them to his army, also corruption? Idk

Mythland

Pearl :)

Oak forest! She's a farmer! There's not a lot about her 😔

Smallholding

Shubble

Forest hills, she has a mushroom house. Pretty Sure she's a gnome? Her and Joey joined after others, so woo

The Undergrove

Joel

Omg his mega.build is so cool. He's in a mesa biome and omg the terracotta. He's married to Lizzie canonically I think. He makes clones and had the highest death number on the server. He scares me. Shrek

Mezalea

Jimmy

Fish man in a swamp. I think he's the "good guy". He deals with slime and is a friend of pix and is in a relationship with Scott. He hates salmon, and do pic made him a salmon statute, but fixed it to be cod. He's weak alone but has the power of friendship

The cod empire

[royallygray]

OOOH THE PERI RESPONDED :D

The Scott and Cleo getting married for tax benefits is firstly: just good? since Scott does Not want to be too close to anyone Not Chill abt villains so he's just straight up not dating.

it's actually really sad for Scott and Cleo when you look at it from an outside perspective of "damn, theyve altered their entire lives to fit Pearl's life" and... yeah. that is what it is. It's sort of a parallel/statement to people who break their backs to keep their parents or like bio family in their lives even though it restricts them from doing what they want. Also Scott and Cleo have thought over this several times. And while Scott and Pearl rejected the soulbond at like 18/19 (she's a year older than him), they've been adults for a while now and they have civil conversations. And Scott does stand for Pearl's major end goals, just not her ways of doing it.

But the issue between Scott and Pearl (I fucking LOVE thinking about their dynamic because it's so bloody complicated) is that Scott cares about Pearl, and Pearl does Not care about Scott. Other than keeping him alive (bc then she'll die), she doesn't give two shits about him. However, she trusts Scott. But Scott doesn't trust her, because why the fuck should he.

Like, yes, he hears all her thoughts, but he doesn't trust her in the sense that he is On Edge around her constantly. ALSO IVE ACCIDENTALLY DONE THAT BUT THAT'S PART OF MY HEADCANON FOR THE LIFE SERIES

Pearl trusts more people than she cares for. Scott cares for more people than he trusts. The amount of people Scott trusts are about on par with the amount that Pearl trusts.

I'm so fucking obsessed with them it rivals Joel and Etho. Or Joel and Joel. Speaking of I need to write that and make them kiss. they haven't kissed yet. Joel and Joel need to kiss. they're probably gonna make out courtesy of cc!GeminiTay but yeah

Anyways Scott and Cleo getting married for tax benefits is directly inspired by Tubbo and Ranboo in dsmp. But also there's no one else they'd rather be with. And no one else they could be with. And also they love each other to death.

I'm so proud of Evo Elementary. It's directly inspired by my elementary school, at least in vibes and size (while I was going). It's a very small school. Literally only Evo gang and some random filler mfers and also Lizzie went there.

It also got shut down immediately after Jimmy graduated. Because of cult activities. The Watchers. idk if I said that in the other one, but yeah. Essentially, they were getting taught by Watcher followers. Not the Watchers themselves, since those are like actual gods, but like. cult followers.

I GOTTA DO MY DUOLINGO BEFORE I FUCKING LOSE MY STREAK HOLD ON

right. I've done it. also I high-key wanna quit but I'm in too far now. bro. I'm almost at a year. I can't stop now. which means I can't ever stop because it'll take another year to get to here. like. anyways.

BACK TO STUFF

Also I STILL HAVENT WATCHED THE REST OF ASMP. EVEN THOUGH ITS FUCKING CRUCIAL TO GUQQIE'S CHARACTER WHICH IS LITERALLY IMPORTANT AS FUCK. BECAUSE IT'S ASMP!GUQQIE AND ASMP!AIMSEY. AND I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW THEIR STORY. BECAUSE. IM FUCKIN LAZY OR SMTH

or maybe I'm just not hyperfixated on watching content rn. like. I could watch Life, but I'm not--ooh that reminded me of the cereal. god I haven't had cereal in so long. I used to eat cereal every day for breakfast and then in Covid I got sick of it and broke my literal years long streak

hey like duolingo

eh

nah

Anyways the Life cereal is good but if it gets too soggy it's ass because the sugar pieces fall off and also it's literally mush.

also do you cereal and then milk or milk and then cereal. because cereal and then milk is the only correct answer. you can milk and then cereal if you have leftover milk from your first cereal but you must do it in that order. cereal, milk, then cereal. maybe more milk if you need it. cereal if you want more. keep circling. until you're full. om nom nom

anyways.

Jimmy is four years younger than the rest of the gang (Grian, Scott, Cleo, Mumbo, Lizzie) and five years younger than Pearl. I just didn't want to write him into EEP bc I'm lazy

Also he meets Tango when he goes to Hermit Academy. Tango's a year older. also it's not rude at all I'm very interested in your questions and it's all good and I love it :D

Well Pearl doesn't actually rob people, is the thing. She and Martyn (and Lizzie. And BEST+TIES. And Grian) have day jobs.

Pearl is a CEO. She is the boss, under the alias of Luna Syzygy. I forgot what the last name means. I think it's something about Eclipse or smth? it's something about the moon and sun bc skyblings. y'know.

Anyways Pearl runs this redstone electricity company (oddly fitting since she made the wordle. like I made her this WAYY before that happened.) and Bdubs, Impulse, Etho, Tango, Skizz, and Lizzie are all employed there.

Bdubs (idk if he does redstone) is employed because it also semi works as an architecture thing because they need an architect to understand how buildings work so that they can put the wiring in there. Sometimes Mumbo shows up, but mostly he sticks to his own thing. Pearl also does architecture, which is why she's the CEO. She also founded the company.

Did I mention that it's called Lunar Enterprises? Also the top floors are the order of operations for villainy, but like. it's literally just BESTIES' and Pearl's offices.

Lizzie's the front desk secretary. She likes chatting with people and also being a massive BITCH to whoever doesn't care enough to respect her.

Hold on I'ma make a list of jobs

Bdubs - architect of Lunar Enterprises

BigB - Hero (heroes get paid bc it's government funded blah blah blah)

Etho - redstoner of Lunar Enterprises

Gem - Hero

Grian - he's like a carpenter thing person

Scar - Hero

Impulse - redstone engineer of Lunar Enterprises

Martyn - works in some sort of customer service. or some type of supervisor at something. I really don't know

Lizzie - secretary of Lunar Enterprises

Mumbo - electrician but redstone. and also inventor

Pearl - CEO of Lunar Enterprises

Ren - Hero

Skizz - moral support of Lunar Enterprises, probably also a teacher or smth. BAND TEACHER. yep

Scott - surgeon

Joel - loves his wife. civil engineer and works to make roads and shit work

Jimmy - uhhh vibes. literally no idea. art coach. private art lessons. or maybe some sort of sports. but art. OMG FILM EDITING. yes

Tango - redstone engineer at Lunar Enterprises

Cleo - college (university for the Brits) professor

why are there no women in stem I've made a horrible mistake

actually Pearl is CEO which means she's a redstoner, redstone engineer, and also an architect. so I've helped myself out there.

Cleos a history prof btw. but is also just Good aka she knows science and math and just everything bc I said so

I would make Scott god awful at math courtesy to cc except he's a fucking surgeon

oh yeah Scott gets his soul back dw. it just takes it while Pearl's using it which is very very bad and it does actually slowly debilitate at his soul (def used that word wrong)

GOTTA EXTEND DUOLINGO BRB

okay I'm back and I've done more than extend Duolingo but we're back

it doesn't have... incredibly lasting effects? like Pearl taking Scotts soul power shit. but like. it's like a muscle. the more you use it, the faster it's used to it

the first time which is the one you did fanart for, it wasn't actually that bad. it took a lot, but it was pretty easy to regenerate.

But Pearl kept using Scott's soul as a backup and it regenerated less and less and Scott was anxious as hell because he needed to use his soul too. (it doesn't get used nearly as much when you're the one using your own soul, bc that's what it's built for. it's not built for over extension [which is what Scar doss--] but it's def built for you to use. 24/7, even, but you have to work up to that)

that's so unclear I'm so sorry

also I haven't read wof lol

i read the first book and then the first two chapters of the second bc all my friends were OBSESSED

And like other than the dragons. actually it was pretty cool it just wasn't really. my style ig? like the politics of it are actually interesting when I think about it and I- ah I didn't like the characters that much. hm.

being reflective as I've gotten older has been very interesting imo because it lets me figure out WHY I don't like stuff

like I used to not like onions "because they taste bad". and then I learned what texture was and I was like "they're an awful fucking texture and they should die" and I am right on that

anyways which dragon type (breed? idk seawing, Nightwing, mudwing, etc you literally know 100000x more than I do) do you think I would be and can I get a basic description of it? that'd be cool. also cool if you don't lol

I need to ask that hermit permit blog to do that that'd be cool.

like the ask would go "hi! can I have a permit that allows soul horizon!Cleo and Scott to brew potions? thanks!"

no but imagine. OH MY GOD

so bench trio (TommyInnit, Tubbo, and Ranboo, idk if you had a dsmp phase/hyperfixation/lifestyle/it doesn't fucking ever leave you) are Cleo's students. just imagine Tommy getting surgery for smth (let's say appendicitis because I dont wanna give him heart issues but anyways whatever) and then one day Cleo brings Scott to class and she's like "hi this is my husband we got married platonically we're soulmates"

and Tommy is literally exploding inside because what the fuck this guy has seen my inner organs

OH MY GOD NO I MADE THE "LITERALLY EXPLODING INSIDE" AFTER I DECIDED IT WAS APPENDICITIS AND I STILL DIDNT REALIZE THE IRONY LMAO NOO

anyways Scott isn't even a main character rip

he's barely fucking relevant to the main story rip

Lizzie is not 10 ft tall as Riptide but that would be funny as fuck. She does use Guise Magic (it's just magic but people wanted to call it something) (it's for disguises) to make her fairy wings look more webbed

Lizzie's a fairy fae. because fae is like a huge overarching creature that encompasses fuck all with pointed ears. (Scott is an elf fae, scar is a vex fae and an elf fae, idk who else)

Soulmates and not soulmates are both normal. it's pretty 50/50, except soulmates need two people, so it's actually more like 67/33

because it's around one non-soulmate person to each soulmate pair

which is not canon because we have seven soulmate pairs and four non-soulmate ppl in the Life series but whatever

THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTIONS PERIIIII

Psst Royal

Do you wanna rant about anymore soul horizon lore? I would like to hear about soul horizon lore if you wanna ramble :D

Also would you like to read the essay I wrote about llkau Pearl's psychological truama and manipulation from her mother?

yes I am always down to rant about soul horizon lore. also YES I WANT PEARLS PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA HEHEHEHEHEHEH

Anyways hello. I am normal sized again wow.

Okay so personally--FUCK I HAVE A MEGA STUPID ASSIGNMENT IM GONNA NEED TO DEAL WITH THAT IN SOME AMOUNT OF TIME--i have recently been obsessed with soul horizon divorcée quartet.

THEYRE. SO FUCKING SPECIAL TO ME. BECAUSE THEYRE LOSERS

OMG OMG I NEED TO EXPLAIN THE EEP

WE DONT CARE ABOUT THE EEP WE CARE ABOUT SCOTT AND CLEO AND PEARL AND MARTYN

Scott and Cleo are canonically married. why did I do this, you may ask? tax benefits. and they were living with each other anyways. and also idk how marriage licenses work but it makes the pay a whole lot like even-er because Scott's a doctor and Cleo's a teacher

Well they're a college professor. idk how much more college professors get paid and I am too lazy to google it

hold on actually

ok so according to the first results: 96k to 300k per year which makes the second result so fucking sad like. the second result is 30k-97k a year. like. rip

compared to high school teachers: 45k-100k per year. Jesus Christ. and then the second result is 38k-46k.

rip teachers honestly

AYY SCOTT IS LOADED. I THINK. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT COSTS I HAVE NO LIFE EXPERIENCE I AM A BLOB FLOATING IN THE WIND DESPERATELY CLINGING TO LIFE

330k-630k. Yahoo. scott has it good. he's a surgeon because... I said so. he's like a surgeon but also a doctor. I think. mostly a surgeon tho but I am going to call him a doctor for the rest of this because in my mind he wears the coats. like a lab person. with cyan hair

SO. WHERE DO WE ACTUALLY BEGIN WITH THE LORE.

Well. It starts in elementary school. I... don't actually have lore for Cleo and Scott for this part but I do for Pearl and Martyn! So Pearl and Martyn are the same age, and they went to Evolution Elementary and Middle. They're in the same building. People just call it Evo

Also Jimmy barely made it through that school bc the year after he graduated it got shut down bc it was hosting cult activities. hmmm. weird

All the Evo gang went to Evo Elementary. shocker. And Lizzie.

And then they graduated, and they went to Hermit High Academy. Which I love. All the Hermits are there, except for Joel and Skizz (THEY WEREN'T HERMITS WHEN THIS STARTED AND ID ALREADY DONE THIS BACKSTORY), Cleo (she was at EEP), Gem, and Scar.

Also EEP stands for Empires Education Program. I love the EEP. All Empires people went there.

The two significant years-

hold on hold on hold on. okay. so.

Year order. we need this

also my sibling once told me that I text like someone with ADHD and I cannot help but feel like that's relevant here.

hello it is now a completely different day and place (I'm at the kitchen table and it is midnight)

(It has been thirty minutes I'm in my bed again and I am going to fall asleep. I need to take my meds. I have now taken my meds. now if I wanted to I could just fall asleep. I'm gonna keep talking here.)

In the Empires Education Program (which is referred to by people who want to mock it and also the attendees of it as the eep. Others say Empires or E E P (separated letters)) there are two years of people attending that we care about.

Everyone that was in Empires or SOS, minus False, Pearl, Jimmy, and Gem is part of the EEP.

The secondary year we care about (the grade below) has Oli, Owen, Mog, Eloise, and a few others unnamed (prolly from Witchcraft) because I refuse to make this class smaller than Magic School Bus's.

Everyone (minus Pearl, Jimmy, and Gem) in Empires S1 is in the first year of EEP. The second year has everyone else (minus False) that was in Empires S2 and SOS.

The primary year we care about (the most plot relevant people are here) has Scott, Cleo, Lizzie, Joel, Shelby, Katherine, fWhip, Pix, Sausage, and Joey. You might notice that Cleo is in here, and they are not part of this group. Cleo is in here because I said so. Also I needed a place for her to be besties with Scott. And Cleo would be a great addition to this crew, just saying.

... genuinely it is a completely different day and I am in a separate building and I have no idea what my ultimatum here was

Anyways. Martyn is a vigilante, Pearl's a villain, Scott's a doctor, and Cleo's a professor.

The funny thing that I'm absolutely in love with is how they semi get along. but mostly don't.

see. Scott and Pearl had that whole scene where Pearl literally ran out of magic and started ripping it out of Scott's soul. Magic is part of your soul, so it comes from a similar place as your soulbond.

And so Scott and Pearl have a well justified rivalry. And also after they broke the soulbond -- OH I JUST REMEMBERED THE REALLY FUNNY SHIT -- they both became Worthy, Scott significantly earlier than Pearl.

I still gotta explain the Worthy thing dammit

Anyways the really funny shit is that normally, when you reject your soulbond, you essentially function exactly the same as a person without a soulbond except you've got a weird tattoo, and you will die at the same moment that they do.

EXCEPT the divorce quartet are part of the Eighteen (which irl are just the life series members), and this means that the rejection doesn't work. It works at first, and Pearl and Scott have silent minds for the first time ever, and then they hear the slight whisper of the other one's voice and just. they're suffering.

It's funny as fuck, imo, because I'm the sadist author that makes the characters suffer. hehe

essentially, the telepathy hurts more after they rejected it than before. And also they also have the normal consequence of "if the one dies, then the other one dies too" which normal soulmates don't have.

But because of the rejection not working, the four of them realized that they're Winners. And they all figure out that they're Winners because Pearl believes that Mortality mythology (aka life series canon events) is real.

And Martyn was like "hah Pearl you're crazy"

and Pearl straight up goes "Jimmy's the Canary"

and the three of them stare at Pearl

because EVERYONE has heard the legend of the canary. It doesn't fucking matter who you are.

And Cleo's straight up like "holy shit"

And Scott knew the entire time bc he shares a brain with Pearl except he semi didn't believe it but he knew that Pearl believed it

But now they figure out that Scott is the Stars (2nd winner), Pearl is the Moon (3rd winner), Martyn is Mars/water/The Tower (4th winner), and Cleo is Pluto/fire/Death (6th winner).

And then perhaps Grian just walks out of the house and is like what're y'all talking about.

And then Pearl just stares at him. because she remembers what his soulmark is.

It's the sun and the earth. which is the missing duo of winners.

and Pearl is like. Grian. You're a winner.

and Grian's like "wtf are you on"

"like of mortality mythology"

"wat"

Scott: so is he the sun or the earth

Pearl: probably the sun. have you seen that face

Grian: wtf

Martyn: welcome to divorce club, Grian

Pearl: Martyn stfu

Martyn: yeah I'm scared of you so I will actually do that

Also Martyn and Pearl are besties

also I gotta write the scene where they divorce bc it's actually rly cute. not like Scott&Pearl and Martyn&Cleo but like. Scott and Martyn are cute. And Pearl and Cleo are cute. And Cleo and Scott<3 and Martyn and Pearl are like besties. so.

yeah

they. them. they're the perfect combination of like. a lot of shit. because all of them are morally gray.

hey that's almost my name

My name is actually a play on the phrase "morally gray", fun fact

Since Pearl is literally a villain. Martyn is a more hero aligned vigilante. Scott and Cleo, while being civilians, do actively help Pearl by giving her potions and shit since she and Martyn can go to the Nether to get the ingredients, and Scott and Cleo have a permit to brew potions.

Like. Scott and Cleo are like passive and will not get outed in the grand scheme, but technically they break the law daily. And I love them so much for that. Like. They know WAYYY too much to be civilians. Not even JOEL knows as much, and he's the motherfucking husband of Riptide, who is the sister of Scarlet AND Sparrow. AND the Canary.

Anyways. Um. If you want to ask any clarifying questions, I would be more than happy to answer those.

This was rly incoherent and I'm sorry abt that but y'know :D

THANK YOU PERI @periwinklepaint FOR THE ASK :D :D

[hipsterfishboi]

JUDGING RANDOMISED MONSTER HIGH/EVER AFTER HIGH SHIPS

Last night I had no internet, so I put the names of 16 MH characters and 16 EAH characters in a hat, shook it around a little and then produced all the names into 16 ships. I will then be ranking them (and maybe adding a couple of headcanons and such because this is mY POST).

Put under the cut because of how long it is.

1.       Raven Queen x Hopper Croakington

Not one I expected for this and honestly, I can’t think of anything for them. They seem like the kind of ones to have gone on one date before Raven decided she doesn’t have time to deal with his inability to talk to her and constant simping over Briar.

3/10. Barely any vibes, let alone good or bad vibes :/

 2.       Frankie Stein x Sirena Von Boo

This one could be cute, Frankie tutoring Sirena in Mad Science and both of them slowly getting crushes on each other, though Sirena not wanting to break the bro code of not dating your friend’s ex. Both have such drastically different dumbass energies and I love it.

6/10. I can see this being a cute little relationship.

 3.       Johnny Spirit x Cerise Hood

Oh damn. Needless to say, Cerise would not take any of Johnny’s shit, perceived bad boy or not. I feel like they are both drastically different when they get into relationships, with Johnny being the type to make big romantic gestures, whereas Cerise is all about the small details. They would probably be p good for each other.

8/10. This is honestly really cute tbh.

 4.       Briar Beauty x Andy Beast

This could be funny, an opposites attract sort of situation. Briar being the extroverted thrill seeker she is, whereas Andy being a more socially awkward technologically-behind guy. I can see Briar sitting with Andy and showing him how to use various different types of teach, and Andy talking to Briar about Skull Shores and carrying her to bed when she inevitably falls asleep around him.

9/10. The Vibes are toit.

 5.       Daring Charming x Gigi Grant

First of all, Gigi deserves better so let’s jot that the fuck down. And I can’t really see her getting along with Daring, who would 100% try and use her for selfish wishes.

0/10. The vibes are rancid.

 6.       Faybelle Thorn x Clawd Wolf

Clawd does not deserve this. Faybelle would use his trusting nature and loyalty to her benefit and then dump him when his usefulness had stopped, smh. She needs to be called out on her shit.

-5/10. No.

 7.       Cedar Wood x Porter Geiss

YEEEEEEEES. The vibes on this are so fucking good. Just- the duo meeting because Porter’s doing some stupid shit and accidentally knocks her art supplies down and then they get started talking on art. They would 100% have dates which is just the both of them painting each other and talking and being wholesome. Porter has her back whenever she may need help and will knock anybody out who insults his beautiful girlfriend. He is the personification of that one Will Smith picture where he’s showing off his wife.

10000000000/10. Chef Kiss.

 8.       C.A. Cupid x Deuce Gorgon

Probably happens in a verse where he and Cleo aren’t a thing. Just talking about Greek shit™ together. The softest fucking dates. Both of them would be so fucking devoted in a relationship. I see them more as friends, but even that potential was wasted.

4/10. I can’t see them as a couple too much, but 10/10 friends.

 9.       Draculaura x Chase Redford.

Okay these two would be adorable, even if just aesthetically. Chase being a soft dumbass who is constantly in awe of his tiny vamp gf. She doesn’t always understand all the rules that are put in place, but she thinks it’s cute he’s so passionate about them.

7/10. Adorable

 10.   Alistair Wonderland x Vandala Doubloons.

Adventure buddies to lovers. Alistair showing Vandala around Wonderland and generally helping her trust solids, let alone humans more. They would probably develop a lot of inside jokes nobody else would get. Vandala teaching Alistair to swordfight for that romantic tension. Dumbasses who just love adventure and accidentally fell in love along the way.

9/10. Pretty hecking sweet.

11.   Hunter Huntsman x Duchess Swan

Unless it’s some sort of Rivals to friends to lovers it wouldn’t happen. They might be interesting with the dichotomy of hunter / animal that can often be hunted. Hunter would probably have his work cut out making Duchess a semi-decent person.

6/10. Sweet concept but I can’t see it from where they are in the series.

 12.   Operetta x Darling Charming

Strong independent lady musician x Strong independent lady knight. I LOVE IT. They would be such an iconic power couple and honestly, we stan. Operetta taking no shite from the Charming family about what a woman should or shouldn’t be and setting them in their places. I adooooore this.

10/10. It’s amazing.

 13.   Maddie Hatter x Venus McFlytrap

Venus would be dumbfounded by most of the shit Maddie says, but probably would appreciate the help that Maddie could and likely would provide for the cause of preserving the flora of the planet. She’d likely love to hear about Wonderland and the plants there.

7/10. Good vibes.

 14.   Heath Burns x Dexter Charming

Awkward nerd x extroverted dumbass is an amazing trope. Heath and Dexter becoming flustered dumbasses around one another, but not realising as all their friends try and explain that they like each other. Heath would 100% be the one to confess first because it’s Heath™. Just… soft, stupid dumbasses.

8/10. Good bois. I’m lov.

 15.   Cleo deNile x Lizzie Hearts.

UTTER POWER COUPLE. The energy these girls have together is wonderful. Two powerful princesses who would utterly rule wherever they saw fit. Someone tries to insult Lizzie, they get roasted to filth by Cleo and if they try anything with Lizzie? Off with their head. They are both so sweet towards each other, with Lizzie making outfits for Cleo whenever she asks for it and Cleo being down to model for her girlfriend whenever she asks. They’re both so in love and soft for each other, though may have a couple of fights because they both have such strong personalities, though would always make it out the other end stronger for it

100/10

 16.   Sparrow Hood x Hoodood Voodoo

I can’t really see this one, I can see them maybe being friends but… anything beyond that isn’t really.

1/10

[vickylavey]

Posting on a new post bc I'm not a Heathen who does this shit on other ppls posts.

None of u mention my V.tM AU that bitch tracks too

The BRILLIANCE of a TD/MonProm crossover is they already have sooo many overlapping elements, esp in a competition setting, that it rlly spices shit up. Like u expect having similar personalities would make it Bland, but both casts are exciting enough that there's sooo much u can draw from this.

Ezekiel & Leonard are the firsts murdered or kicked off. Change My Mind.

Ambitious gals Courtney & Vera. They aren't friends, they're RIVALS. Vera actually wins this one out, though. Courtney just doesn't have the same resources or cunning Vera does, but Vera thinks Courtney's moxie is cute.

Vera sees Heather as a conniving bitch & destroys her in a dramatic, spectacular, very public fashion.

Best Bimbos Miranda & Lindsay. They're v good friends, sharing beauty products & exchanging Bimbo Culture. However, Miranda isn't nearly as popular. The whole authoritarian vibe is even worse than Heather, it doesn't bode well w... rlly anyone.

Tired goth gals Joy, Faith, Hope, & Gwen. Nobody's sure what they are. Are they friends? In an alliance? Was Gwen adopted into the coven? All we know is they're seen standing together a lot & sharing looks.

Damien & Duncan, punk crime bastards in arms when the occasion suits them. However, Duncan's streetwise & survival skills eventually gets the better of Damien....

Naive sweethearts that just wanna be a part of smth Beth & Cal. SCOTT & OWEN FRIENDSHIP OF THE AGES. Lizzie bringing out the WORST in Vicky. Amira only encourages the madness from her cozy alliance w Vera. The brotherhood of The Boys is sooo much chiller w Oz & Brian, even with Damien creating chaos.

[inlovewithamantwicemyage]

Rivals on the streets (4)

Phew. How awkward. You just dropped him at his hotel. Nothing. Not a hug neither a kiss. What was he expecting? Study the text for real?

You closed the door of your apartment. It was quiet. The table was covered in text pages. But, hey, just between some you saw a green sticky note:

"Had a wonderful time. Hope we can do this somewhen again. RA"

Alarm clock was ringing. Another morning, another day.

Your mascara was smeared. You have forgotten to remove your make up and it was definitely showing. Your wardrobe was a mess. You are not the tidiest person on earth, for sure. However, you took your time to drink coffee and your toes were warmed by the sunlight that shone through the big windows of the room.

"Hey, (y/n)! Looking awesome.", Thomas grinned and greeted you. Completely clothed in black with red lipstick. "It will drive Benjamin crazy. Didn't he ban makeup for all of us today. Do you remember... the masks?"

Oh damn it! Today it was masking time and the cosmetics are really sensitive to every other substance.

"Thanks, as you can see, I completely forgot about it. I just go err .. you know."

On your way to the bath you bumped into your favorite co-worker.

"Hey slow down (y/n). How's your morning going?"

"I am sorry Richard, but I am in a hurry, see you!"

Why does this makeup stained your lips so much. Urgh. At least the rest of your face is 'all natural'. Still rubbing your lips off, you left the bathroom.

The team had already gathered in the mask and mostly all was down. Richard, who was, how could it be otherwise, already done with his plastic scanned you and his eyes widened. You came close to his ear and whispered seductively: "You could have joined me and, by the way, do you need a place to stay for tonight?" You could see him debating in his mind.

"You haven't been yourself lately. The, hopefully, noble man I am, will not accept your request. (Y/N), we are coworkers, we cannot do this."

Did he just coworkerzoned you?

"(Y/N)! Come on, this is our kind of rush hour and you're congestion. Mister Armitage can talk to you later.", Benjamin shouted above all heads.

What a modestly man. "Ok Richard, sorry I misunderstood some vibes. Maybe then just... tea?"

"Have you ever loved someone so much it ached? Especially when it's someone you used to hate." You risked a quick glance. Rhin was captured and in less than 20 hours executed.

"Rhin, my king, is there any hope? Should I contact someone? I don't have a lot of time, my father will be worried, moreover, suspicious of my visit..." Just bars separated you. You heard vulgar voices coming down the stairs.

„Hey Sweetheart, today at the pub is open-end, how about a hell yeah!", Thomas asked you on your way to undress.

The Pub screamed tropical islands. The staff ornates the turquoise walls with a mix out of palm trees and flamingos. The air smelled rich coconut-ish mixed with heavy rum. Almost the whole crew had arrived before the owner started playing ukulele and opened the night.

„Wow, (y/n), legit everybody is getting drunk tonight. I promise it." Most of the cast were wearing colorful shirts but one woman was over the top. Shimmery like diamonds in the sunlight and smooth as a fish in the water. At the moment she laughed and gossiped with some people, including Richard.

Wow he was here? How unexpected.

Thomas detangled his dark curls: "Jealous? That's Lizzy from the makeup-team. She is hot. Seems like Rich is not so ... noble." He smirked

It was getting late and you already lost Thomas in the crowd like years ago just from time to time you heard a "hell yeah".

Fancy manicured fingers were tapping your shoulder: "Hey girl! You look beautiful and I love your performance... wow I love your shoes!", it was a really tipsy Lizzy and Richard was following her. She pulled you softly a bit closer and murmured: "Richard is so hot. I wish we had more guys like him in my town... what do you think? I just heard it on the grapevine that he is about to burn bridges with his old crush because she changed so much. Nothing in particular, you now, just gossip. Do you think I should give it a shot?"

Lizzy was a model, she had dark, sunkissed skin and curves like a goddess. "Of course you should give it a try. I mean ... if he had one... that explains a lot..."

You didn't consider him having an actual girlfriend or anything comparable because he was just always busy. This rumor spreads like wildfire and Lizzy wasn't the only participant in kind of bewitching him with spells of love. In this moment you realized that you could just skip your plan because someone else was doing the dirty work for you therefore you could focus even more on your job. However, what a shame. You really would like to know if he kisses in reality as good as on script.

From behind you smell musky cologne, Richard's. "Can I have this dance?", he adjusts your necklace central again. Even though your dance was a misplaced combo in terms of music choice and Richard dances like a dad, you had a lot of fun together.

"The viewers are all over you!", you complimented him.

"Stop it. No business. Not now. Do you have any plans after this?"

"I thought no business? Well, I will participate in a movie project."

"Terrific! But I meant it more literally."

"Are you flirting with me?", you laughed out loud.

"Stop laughing.", he answered stern.

His comment, however, made this conversation twisted. Richard Armitage tried to hook up with you. In a rainbow colored bar, crowded and steamy after he dumped you.

"Who do you think you are? I got your point. You are not really interested and I am okay with that. But don't play it dirty, Mister Armitage. I am not that kind of woman."

Richard crossed his arms: "Please, hear me out. It's not-"

"Why the fuck should I listen to you, oh please, give me one reason why I shouldn't leave this place right now." You raised your chin high.

His eyes had turned cold and the last thing you heard while leaving the bar was Richard's voice: "It's okay. I understand. You can leave."

[kickdownthewalls]

TOP 20 ROCK/METAL ALBUMS OF 2018

This has been a year of surprises and disappointments in pretty equal measure. Judas Priest blew me away with their latest record (and tour) and Immortal made one of the most triumphant comebacks in metal history. On the other hand, Voivod’s new one felt strangely by-the-numbers, as did the latest from Riot V and Monster Magnet. Still, the sheer amount of releases out there, just in the traditional metal and thrash scenes, is somewhat mind-boggling, and there were plenty of excellent albums to be found.

(Countries represented this year: Italy, UK, Sweden, Norway, Germany, USA, Canada, Switzerland, Portugal, and Denmark).

20. BURNING WITCHES - Hexenhammer

Switzerland is a tiny nation, but they have given the world some of the most creative and diverse bands over the years, from Krokus to Celtic Frost to Samael and beyond. Burning Witches combine elements of melodic thrash and classic heavy metal for a sound that works quite well and is perfectly suited to Seraina Telli’s powerful vocal delivery. The album has its ups and downs but the title track and “Open Your Mind” are both flat-out brilliant.

19. PERPETRATÖR - Altered Beast

This is how I like my thrash metal: fast, evil, dirty, but still well-played and composed. Perpetratör hail from Portugal and this is only their second full album, but it is a scorcher. Songs like “Extreme Barbarity” and “Terminal Possession” are brutally fast in the vein of the early Germans, but the band explore some more mid-tempo riffs here and there as well. Like all my favorite thrash bands, these guys sound like they are playing just on the edge of what they can get away with and the effect is electric.

18. ARTILLERY - The Face of Fear

These Danish thrashers are one of those bands that has always had consistently quality releases but, for whatever reason, never really made the impact others in the genre have over the years. While the line-up has changed over time, the current incarnation has done three albums together now and sounds quite comfortable here. The drum sound is a bit ‘bonky’ for my tastes, but the quality of the tunes rises above it. Bonus points for the variety of songs on offer, too, from speedy, complex thrash, to power ballads to straight-ahead heavy metal.

17. LUCIFER - II

Lucifer’s brand of retro doom rock is both obvious in its influences and original in its assembly of said influences. The jazzier side of early Sabbath is the most prevalent element at work here, with riffs that range from heavy and evil to mournful and atmospheric. Despite some line-up changes, the sound is pretty consistent with the excellent debut from 2015, with perhaps a bit more clarity in the production (though nowhere near polished-sounding, fear not).

16. WITCHING HOUR - ...And Silent Grief Shadows the Passing Moon

The number of excellent bands with ‘witch’ in their name is strangely high this year and Germany’s Witching Hour are another to add to that list. This is their third full-length and displays a great deal of maturity and talent for writing complex yet compelling songs. Elements of black and thrash metal abound, but there is a lot of other stuff going on here, too, and lots of melody. The bass playing is particularly impressive and really adds a whole extra dimension to the music, while the vocals are a potent mix of plaintive and grim and complement the dark, intricate songs beautifully. This was a late-year release and, given some more spins, it will likely rise on this list.

15. SATAN - Cruel Magic

It is rare that a band can pull together their classic line-up the way that Satan did in 2013, let alone one that can then proceed to release three albums back-to-back that fall right in line with their old material. Cruel Magic is the latest of these and has all the hallmarks that made Satan great: finely-crafted heavy metal that is speedy and complex, organic production, and an overall sound that is truly their own. They may have only caught the tail-end of the NWOBHM but damn if they weren’t one of the scene’s best and it is heart-warming to see and hear them continuing the legacy 35 years later.

14. ABYSMAL GRIEF - Blasphema Secta

Abysmal Grief are Italian doom masters that create a sound that is heavy, gothic, creepy, and relentless all at once. Most songs are in the 8-9 minute range and are usually centered around a few core riffs, but the way the band build them up and vary them throughout really pulls the listener in. Keyboards are used quite a bit and to great effect, while the vocals range from mournful to menacing. The band has kept a very consistent style since day one, with only the production getting a little better with each release, and Blasphema Secta sounds both heavier and cleaner than anything prior.

13. STRIKER - Play to Win

Been following these stalwart Canucks since their debut EP a decade ago and I’m glad to see that they have continued to evolve and refine their sound with each new album. Play to Win is probably the most ‘commercial’ release to date, with tons of melody and big choruses, but there is still plenty of heaviness on tracks like “Heart of Lies” and “Summoner” to keep a nice balance. Striker has gotten really good at writing distinctive songs that aren’t just a collection of riffs but actual, well-constructed tunes.

12. BULLET - Dust to Gold

This Swedish quintet has been bashing it out for 15+ years and still manages to release an invigorating collection of hard rockin’ metal tunes. Stylistically, Dust to Gold covers a fair amount of ground, from heavy metal in the vein of Accept and Grave Digger to more upbeat rockers ala Krokus and AC/DC. The common denominator throughout is a sense of fun that is missing from entirely too many albums these days.

11. LEATHER - II

Leather’s powerful voice was always the thing that raised Chastain from a good band to a great one and I’m pleased to report that she sounds just as good in 2018 as she did in 1988. The opening track “Juggernaut” is one of the best speed metal songs I have heard in a while and the rest of the album is consistently good, too. Shades of Dio and Priest color the wide range of tunes here and the band turn in some excellent, spirited performances. Glad to see Leather back on the scene and, as much as I enjoyed the Chastain reunion records, I think this one is even better.

10. HAUNT - Burst Into Flame

Although I enjoyed the first Haunt EP, the full-length debut really takes it up a notch. This is classic, old-school heavy metal that reminds me a bit of the first couple of Cauldron albums, with some wonderful dual-guitar work thrown in for good measure. The vocals are clean but remarkably restrained compared to some of the screamers out there, making for a nice change of pace. Songs “Reflectors” and “Burst Into Flame” have a haunting (ahem) timelessness to them and the album flows really well from start to finish.

9. THE NIGHT FLIGHT ORCHESTRA - Sometimes the World Ain't Enough

Despite featuring members of Soilwork and Arch Enemy, this is a long, long way from death metal, melodic or otherwise. Although the band’s first effort had a distinctly late-70s hard rock vibe to it, each record since has taken the listener deeper into the world of 80s AOR. Unlike a lot of the sterile, radio-friendly acts from that actual era, NFO bring a warmth and heartfelt approach that really brings the music alive. This is the band’s fourth album and probably their weakest, but it still stands well above the average album of 2018. Songs like “Turn To Miami” and “Pretty Thing Closing In” are immediate, timeless classics.

8. THE CROWN - Cobra Speed Venom

Although Deathrace King is still one of my top 5 death metal records of all time, The Crown never really were able to duplicate its genius. Cobra Speed Venom, however, comes damn close. It has all the brutality that the band is known for but brings back a lot of the punky/thrash energy and memorable riffs that have been missing for a while. The first three songs might be the best start to any album this year; just relentless, mayhemic brilliance. Top it off with one of the coolest and most original album covers I’ve seen in a while, along with three bonus tracks that are actually worth adding, and you have one hell of a return to form.

7. SAXON - Thunderbolt

Saxon certainly made some missteps in the late 80s, but I can’t think of another band that has remained as true to form over the years, while also consistently putting out quality albums and touring relentlessly. Thunderbolt is no Wheels of Steel or even Call To Arms, but it is still a solid record that is as good or better than the last couple. From the melodic timelessness of “The Secret of Flight” to the moody “Nosferatu (The Vampire’s Waltz)” to the raging “They Played Rock and Roll,” there is also a diversity rivaled only by Priest on this list.

6. BLACK OATH - Behold the Abyss

When it comes to true, epic, soul-crushing doom metal, Black Oath have become true masters. I have been following this band since the Portrait of the Dead single back in 2010 and am pleased to say they just keep going from strength to strength. Behold the Abyss balances a lush production, clean vocals, and plenty of melody, with dreadnought riffage and blissfully dark, esoteric lyrics. A rich, dynamic work of black art.

5. SIGN OF THE JACKAL - Breaking the Spell

This amazing Italian band has created a style that is equal parts early 80s Warlock and late 80s Judas Priest. Great, driving metal tunes that sometimes border on speed metal with plenty of screaming solos and hooky choruses. The recording, the mix, the energy, everything about this record is incredibly old-school and authentic, right down to the 32-minute running time.

4. AUDREY HORNE - Blackout

Ever since these Norwegian rockers abandoned all pretense and went full-on retro with their Youngblood album, I have been hooked. They compose hard-hitting rock tunes with tons of hooks and Lizzy-esque harmonies that give a nod to metal and punk without really being either. The first three songs - “This is War,” “Audrevolution,” and “Blackout” - are all perfectly built and give a great cross-section of the band’s diverse sound. Toschie’s vocals are as unique as his fashion sense and, as much as I loved the last two records, I think this one may be their best yet.

3. BRAINSTORM - Midnight Ghost

Brainstorm has long since perfected their style (as far back as Soul Temptation, some fifteen years ago), and each new release is really just varying levels of execution. As good as Scary Creatures was a couple years back, Midnight Ghost is truly brilliant and may possibly take the title as my favorite Brainstorm outing. All of the usual plusses are in place - great production, top-notch musicianship, catchy tunes - but the songs themselves are just a tad bit more finely honed and memorable. “Ravenous Minds” and “When Pain Becomes Real” in particular are killer and there is nary a dull moment here.

2. IMMORTAL - Northern Chaos Gods

My first Immortal record was At the Heart of Winter and it is still my favorite black metal album, hands down. The combination of raw, icy riffs with the mind-blowing drumming and just enough melody to keep it all together was/is intoxicating. Immortal has never done a bad album, but some are definitely better than others and Northern Chaos Gods is one of the best ones. The ferocity is up there with Pure Holocaust and Demonaz’s vocals, while not quite as distinctive as Abbath’s, fit the music perfectly. The band wisely took their time to put this record together and the results speak for themselves.

1. JUDAS PRIEST - Firepower

Priest has been one of my favorite metal bands since I first got into them back in ’82 and they are still right up there with Sabbath, Accept, and Mercyful Fate, with a catalog that is as diverse as it is brilliant. After the disappointing Nostradamus and good-but-not-great Redeemer of Souls, it was a real pleasure to hear Firepower, a true, all-guns-blazing Priest record. The production is 1000% better than anything they have released in the last two decades and the material is both diverse and top-notch. Songs like “Firepower,” “Never the Heroes,” “Children of the Sun,” and “No Surrender” have such a classic sound to them and Rob has not sounded this good since Painkiller. Even the weakest tracks (“Lone Wolf” and “Sea of Red”) have grown on me a bit, so I am confident that Firepower will go down in history as one of the band’s crowning achievements.

I must also mention some very impressive EPs, demos, and singles that were released this year, namely those from CIRITH UNGOL, ROUGH SPELLS, ÜLTRA RAPTÖR, PULVER, SIGNIFICANT POINT, TENTATION, ANCIENT SÉANCE, SABÏRE, and OCCULT BURIAL. If you aren’t familiar with any of these bands or haven’t heard their latest, I highly recommend getting acquainted immediately.

As usual, my list could have gone on much longer, but here are the bands that just missed the top 20: AMORPHIS, AURA NOIR, BEHEMOTH, BLACK REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB, BLACK VIPER, BLADE KILLER, CAULDRON, DIMMU BORGIR, DREAM CHILD, GOAT WORSHIP, GRAHAM BONNETT BAND, IRON ANGEL, KHEMMIS, KRISIUN, NIGHT VIPER, PRIMAL FEAR, PROFESSOR BLACK, RIOT V, SABOTER, SKULL FIST, SUBSTRATUM, TAD MOROSE, VISIONS OF ATLANTIS, VULCAIN, WHITE WIZZARD, WITCHFYRE, and WYTCH HAZEL.

What is on the horizon for 2019? Well, I am already psyched about the new ones from CANDLEMASS, DELAIN, ROCK GODDESS, FLOTSAM & JETSAM, CHAINBREAKER, SOILWORK, WITHIN TEMPTATION, MORTAL SCEPTER, HAMMERFALL, and TYTUS, plus possible releases from SACRED REICH, DEATH ANGEL, and EXCITER all have me really looking forward to the coming twelve months. The world is crumbling around us, but at least the metal scene is stronger than ever!

[youhadmeathohoho]

Does this movie have a good name?

No.

I’ll tell you what does have a good name though: the butler. He’s called Gerard. Gerard the Butler. Classic! And if you think that’s funny, well, erm, actually you’re going to be disappointed, because that’s it for this movie’s attempts at LOLs. Shame.

Are we located in a small, picturesque, snow-covered town?

If we are, we don’t get to see it; because today, my friends, we are enduring the sub-genre I like to call “Haughty Holiday House”, in which a lovely young lady’s career takes her to a cavernous, forbidding mansion, whose frosty inhabitants learn to find joy again with our heroine’s assistance.

We spend pretty much the entire duration of this movie inside Ashford, an allegedly magnificent house, or on its supposedly splendid grounds. Location-wise, I do not sense that the production managed to secure a magnificent house, so instead they pray that having people ascend staircases regularly will give us a sense of grandeur. Other than that, it’s down to the props department, who I think you’ll agree have made valiant efforts:

Is the lead character’s name festive?

She’s called Lizzie Richfield, which is not festive, but instead has a regal / upper class vibe. And that’s odd, because Lizzie is a down-to earth type who suddenly finds herself mingling in high society when she takes a job as “house manager” at a local mansion. So why is Lizzie’s surname “Richfield”? Come on, guys, I think you mean “Poorfield”.

(Meanwhile, the haughty family’s surname is Marley, which is perhaps a subtle reference to “A Christmas Carol.” Oh Hallmark! This is no time for subtlety! Just call these people Scrooge and get on with it!)

How busy is said lady?

Not even slightly.

SAY WHAT???

See, Lizzie has just been made redundant, so at the start of proceedings she’s basically hanging out in her PJs all day, eating Nutella straight from the jar, watching repeats of “Homes under the Hammer” - until her sister hands her the gig at the mansion. Then she gets pretty busy, arranging shiz connected to the sale of the house, while also thawing out Gerard (the) Butler, Glacial Grandma, and of course her love interest, Repressed Robert.

Recognise anyone?

Yes: Danica McKellar (Lizzie) is at this point better known for starring in Hallmark Christmas movies than for having played Winnie - Kevin Arnold’s number one crush - on 80s yearn-fest “The Wonder Years”.

And I thought I recognised her potential beau, Repressed Robert, and was perplexed by my feelings of goodwill towards him, until eventually I realised that he just really resembles crooner Will Young.

How are everyone’s Christmas Spirit levels?

Lizzie loves Christmas because of her dead dad. Repressed Robert doesn’t love Christmas because of his dead mum and dad.

I guess people are complex.

Does anything magical or supernatural happen?

Despite all the odds, a humble tin of Folger’s Classic Roast Coffee makes it big in Hollywood!

Does a misunderstanding threaten the lady’s path to Happy Ever After with the man?

Okay, so Repressed Robert has a rival for Lizzie’s affections - his very own brother! He’s called Kip, wears a leather jacket, and is modelled on Prince Harry:

At the party organised by Lizzie a.k.a. the Final Ever Annual Marley Family Christmas Gala, Repressed Robert is dancing with Lizzie - and is about to tell her he wants to drink Folger’s with her 4eva - when Kip drags her away to deal with a ‘dessert emergency’!

But when they get outside, he reveals that there is no ‘dessert emergency’! OH NO HE DIDN’T!! Turns out the rascal just wanted to steal her away from Repressed Robert so that he could, in a classic playboy move, invite her to jet off to Athens with him.

Next, some fabulous Bad-At-Overhearing ensues:

LIZZIE: I would love nothing more than to go to Athens with you!

ROBERT overhears badly and skulks off

LIZZIE: But I can’t! My heart belongs to someone else.

Is there a twiiiist?

It turns out that the reason meanie Repressed Robert is trying to sell the mansion is not that he scoffs at family history, but because in fact Glacial Grandma is not in the best of health, and all the stairs are too much for her. Why this needs to be kept secret from everyone else is not clear. Also, at the end of the movie he decides not to sell the mansion because he learned about love and family and whatever, and I guess is totally over Gma’s staircase struggles?

Is this movie bang on trend?

Lizzie uses the world wide web to hunt for a job. She also announces that she will “need GPS to find my way around this house.”

Any missed opportunities?

• When we first meet Lizzie, she has lost her job in insurance and there’s a lot of talk about needing to find her true vocation. We learn that she studied Art History, which is what makes her qualified to work in a Really Haughty House. Then she organises a party, and everyone decides she should be a professional party planner. I think that, given her Art History background, it would be better if she’d ended up as some kind of curator of Really Haughty Houses. Maybe opening them up to normal peasants, so as to neutralise their haughtiness.

• I think one of the writers once watched one-third of a Pride and Prejudice adaptation, and got some vague ideas about a romantic hero needing to be aloof:

And sure, Repressed Robert is kind of awkward and not great at expressing his feelings, but they should have gone way further. He should have started off being genuinely rude and dismissive to Lizzie, so that she could despise him and preferably announce to someone that she wouldn’t marry Robert if he were the last man on Earth. This would make their journey to smooching far more satisfying.

• Gerard (the) Butler slowly loosens up and becomes one of Lizzie’s allies. But why doesn’t he get a bit too relaxed at the Gala and do a comedy dance? And get flirty with the housekeeper while he’s at it?

Best dialogue?

“Come on! Give chance a chance!”

On reflection, is this movie about Christmas?

There are a lot of Christmas decorations everywhere, so I suppose yes.

Overall rating?